Feedback means different things in different contexts, so it's worth thinking about what sort is meant:
- Appreciation - you've been working really hard and we love you
- Coaching - you can't expect to get everything right, maybe if you try...
- Evaluation - you don't know Golang well enough to anchor a team
When continuously learning we open ourselves up to being wrong and being criticised all the time. We make ourselves vulnerable to our colleagues, and so we each have a duty of care to be kind.
Avoid the following:
- You always/never - these absolutes are unlikely to be true, and only a Sith deals in absolutes
- You make me - no, they don't: you are responsible for your own feelings and actions
We often see our own shortcomings as a result of circumstance, and the shortcomings of others as character traits. Be aware of this bias.
Explicit disagreement is always better than implicit misunderstanding. To move from the latter to the former requires some degree of courage, which is handily one of the five values of eXtreme Programming. If such conversations don't require courage, then by definition they're not difficult.
The following format is a handy tool for starting difficult conversations:
I saw you doing this, and I believed that, and I felt this
Start with what you saw/heard/read. This immediately exposes any misunderstandings of fact.
What was the conclusion you came to? Just because you believed someone was being unreasonable doesn't mean that they were. Your interpretation of events is your own, and by focusing on your interpretation instead of making accusations you can help to avoid a confrontation.
What was your emotional reaction? Reasonable people will not begrudge you your emotions. It's important to stop and think what really constitutes as an emotion though, because as adults we are atrociously bad at identifying them.
| Feeling | Not A Feeling |
|---|---|
| Sad | I feel that the bug you committed has really hurt velocity |
| Happy | I feel using Golang has made us much more productive |
| Frustrated | I feel like you're not listening to me |
You'll notice that in the above table the right-hand column are all beliefs, masquerading as feelings to make them irrefutable by others.
Most folks feel uncomfortable giving critical (AKA useful) evaluation and coaching. A question that may elicit useful input is:
What do I do to get in the way of my own success?
Negative emotional reactions to feedback fall into the following three categories. If you catch yourself having a negative reaction, see if you can identify if any of these apply.
- Truth - I don't agree with the facts you're putting forward
- Relationship - I don't think you are allowed to say that to me, or I don't like how you're treating me
- Identity - That's not who I am
Don't look for what's wrong about feedback, instead look for what's different. That's where the interesting stuff lies, and that's where you'll get to the bottom of misunderstandings and different interpretations.
Try to avoid changing the topic of conversation to "well yeah, but you always end up committing commented-out code". If there's another issue that comes up, that's fine to discuss, but deal with one situation at a time.
- Thanks For The Feedback (Deejay has a physical copy)
- Difficult Conversations