hosts.txt

This is the Asgardian
refugee vessel Statesman.
We are under assault.
I repeat, we are under assault.
The engines are dead, .life support failing.
Requesting aid .from any vessel within range.
We are 22 jump points .out of Asgard.
Our crew is made up .of Asgardian families.
We have very few soldiers here.
This is not a warcraft.
I repeat, this is not a warcraft.
Hear me and rejoice.
You have had the privilege
of being saved .by the Great Titan.
You may think .this is suffering.
No.
It is salvation.
Universal scales .tip toward balance
because of your sacrifice.
Smile.
For even in death,
you have become .Children of Thanos.
I know what it's like to lose.
To feel so desperately .that you're right...
yet to fail, nonetheless.
It's frightening.
Turns the legs to jelly.
But I ask you, to what end?
Dread it, run from it...
destiny arrives all the same.
And now, it's here.
Or should I say...
I am.
You talk too much.
The Tesseract.
Or your brother's head.
I assume you have .a preference.
Oh, I do.
Kill away.
All right, stop!
We don't have the Tesseract.
It was destroyed on Asgard.
You really are .the worst brother.
I assure you, brother...
the sun will shine .on us again.
Your optimism is misplaced, .Asgardian.
Well, for one thing, .I'm not Asgardian.
And for another...
we have a Hulk.
- Let him have his fun.
Allfathers...
let the dark magic flow .through me one last...
time.
That was a mistake.
No!
You're going to die for that.
Shh.
My humble personage...
bows before your grandeur.
No other being .has ever had the might...
nay, the nobility...
to wield not one, .but two Infinity Stones.
The universe lies .within your grasp.
There are two more stones .on Earth.
Find them, my children, .and bring them to me on Titan.
Father, .we will not fail you.
If I might interject.
If you're going to Earth, .you might want a guide.
I do have a bit of experience .in that arena.
If you consider .failure experience.
I consider .experience experience.
Almighty Thanos...
I, Loki, prince of Asgard...
Odinson...
the rightful king .of Jotunheim...
god of mischief...
do hereby pledge to you...
my undying fidelity.
Undying?
You should choose your words .more carefully.
You...
will never be...
a god.
No!
No resurrections this time.
No. Loki.
Seriously, .you don't have any money?
Attachment to the material is .detachment from the spiritual.
I'll tell the guys .at the deli.
Maybe they'll make you .a metaphysical ham on rye.
Oh. Wait, wait, wait. .I think I have 200.
Dollars?
- Rupees. .- Which is?
- Uh, buck and a half.
What do you want?
I wouldn't say no .to a tuna melt.
Thanos is coming.
He's coming.
Who?
Slow down, slow down. .I'll spell it out for you.
You're totally rambling.
-  No, I'm not. .-  You lost me.
Look, you know how .you're having a dream,
and in the dream .you gotta pee.
- Yeah. .- Okay.
And then you're like... ."Oh, my God.
there's no bathrooms. .What am I gonna do?
Oh! someone's watching. .Right.
Oh, I'm gonna .go in my pants."
And then you wake up .and in real life
you actually have to pee.
- Yes. .- Yeah.
- Okay. .- Everybody has that.
Right, that's the point .I'm trying to make.
Apropos of that, last night .I dreamt we had a kid.
It was so real.
We named him .after your eccentric uncle.
Uh, what was his name?
- Right. .- Morgan! Morgan.
- So you woke up... .- Naturally.
...and thought that we were...
- Expecting. .- Yeah.
- Yes? .- No.
I had a dream about it. .It was so real.
If you wanted to have a kid...
you wouldn't have done that.
I'm glad you brought this up, .'cause it's nothing.
It's just a housing unit .for nanoparticles.
You're not helping .your case, okay?
No, this is detachable. .It's not a...
You don't need that.
I know, I had the surgery.
I'm just .trying to protect us...
and future usses .and that's it.
Just in case there's a monster .in the closet.
- Instead of, you know... .- Shirts.
You know me so well.
- God. .- You finish all my sentences.
You should have shirts .in your closet.
Yeah.
You know what there should be? .No more surprises.
We're gonna have .a nice dinner tonight.
- Show off this Harry Winston.
Right? And we should have .no more surprises. Ever.
I should promise you.
- Yes. .- I will.
Thank you.
Tony Stark.
I'm Doctor Stephen Strange. .I need you to come with me.
Oh, uh, congratulations .on the wedding, by the way.
I'm sorry, you giving out .tickets to something?
We need your help.
It's not overselling it .to say that
the fate of the universe .is at stake.
And who's "we"?
Hey, Tony.
Bruce.
- Pepper. .- Hi.
- Oh. .- You okay?
At the dawn .of the universe,
there was nothing. Then...
Boom.
The Big Bang sent .six elemental crystals...
hurtling across .the virgin universe.
These Infinity Stones
each control an essential .aspect of existence.
Space.
Reality.
Power.
Soul.
Mind.
And Time.
Tell me his name again.
Thanos.
He's a plague, Tony.
He invades planets. .He takes what he wants.
He wipes out .half the population.
He sent Loki.
The attack on New York, .that's him.
This is it.
What's our timeline?
No telling. He has .the Power and Space Stones.
That already makes him
the strongest creature .in the whole universe.
If he gets his hands .on all six stones, Tony...
He could destroy life
on a scale .hitherto undreamt of.
Did you seriously just say ."hitherto undreamt of"?
Are you seriously leaning .on the Cauldron of the Cosmos?
- Is that what it is?
I'm going to allow that.
If Thanos needs all six, .why don't we just
stick this one down .a garbage disposal?
No can do.
We swore an oath to protect .the Time Stone with our lives.
And I swore off dairy...
but then Ben & Jerry's named .a flavor after me.
- Stark Raving Hazelnuts. .- Not bad.
A bit chalky.
A Hunk of Hulk of .Burning Fudge is our favorite.
- That's a thing? .- Whatever.
Point is, things change.
Our oath to protect .the Time Stone cannot change.
And this stone may be the best .chance we have against Thanos.
Yeah, so conversely,
it may also be .his best chance against us.
Well, if we don't do our jobs.
What is your job exactly?
Besides making .balloon animals.
Protecting your reality, .douchebag.
Okay, guys. Could we table .this discussion right now?
The fact is .we have this stone.
We know where it is.
Vision is out there somewhere .with the Mind Stone...
and we have to find him now.
Yeah, that's the thing.
What do you mean?
Two weeks ago, Vision turned .off his transponder.
He's offline.
- What? .- Yeah.
Tony, you lost .another super-bot?
I didn't lose him. He's more .than that. He's evolving.
Who could find Vision then?
Shit.
Probably Steve Rogers.
Oh, great.
Maybe.
But...
Call him.
It's not that easy.
God, we haven't caught up .in a spell, have we?
No.
The Avengers broke up. .We're toast.
Broke up?
Like a band? .Like... Like the Beatles?
Cap and I fell out hard.
We're not on speaking terms.
Tony, listen to me.
Thor's gone.
Thanos is coming.
It doesn't matter .who you're talking to or not.
Flip phone.
Say, Doc, you wouldn't .happen to be
moving your hair, would ya?
Not at the moment, no.
- You okay?
- Help him! .- Banner!
- Wong! Look alive! .- Go, go! We got it!
Friday, what am I looking at?
Not sure. .I'm working on it
Hey! You might wanna .put that Time Stone
in your back pocket, Doc!
Might wanna use it.
Ned, hey. I need you .to cause a distraction.
Holy shit.
We're all gonna die!
There's a spaceship!
- What's going on? .- Oh, my God!
What's the matter .with you kids?
You never seen .a spaceship before?
Friday, evac anyone .south of 43rd Street.
Notify first responders.
Will do.
Hear me and rejoice.
You are about to die
at the hands .of the Children of Thanos.
- Be thankful...
that your meaningless lives .are now contributing...
I'm sorry, .Earth is closed today.
You better pack it up .and get outta here.
Stonekeeper.
Does this chattering animal .speak for you?
Certainly not. .I speak for myself.
You're trespassing in .this city and on this planet.
He means get lost, Squidward.
He exhausts me.
- Bring me the stone.
Banner, you want a piece?
Mmm, no, not really.
But when do I ever get .what I want?
That's right.
Okay. Push!
It's been a while.
It's gonna be good .to have you, buddy.
Okay. Shh.
Let me just... I need to .concentrate here for a second.
Come on, come on, man.
- God!
Where's your guy?
I don't know. We've sorta .been having a thing.
- It's no time for a thing. .- I know.
That's the thing right there. .Let's go.
Dude, you're embarrassing me .in front of the wizards.
Tony, I'm sorry. .Either I can't or he won't.
It's okay.
Hey, stand down. .Keep an eye on him. Thank you.
- I have him. .- Damn it.
Where'd that come from?
It's nanotech.
You like it? .A little something I...
Doctor Banner, if the rest .of your green friend
won't be joining us...
Gotta get that stone .outta here, now.
It stays with me.
Exactly. Bye.
Tony, you okay?
- How we doing? Good? Bad? .- Really, really good.
Really good. .Do you plan on helping out?
I'm trying. He won't come out.
Hammer.
Come on, Hulk! .What are you doing to me?
Come out! Come out! Come out!
No!
What do you mean, "no"?
Hey, man. .What's up, Mr. Stark?
- Kid, where'd you come from? .- A field trip to MoMA.
Uh, what is this guy's .problem, Mr. Stark?
Uh, he's from space.
He came here to steal .a necklace from a wizard.
Your powers are quaint.
You must be popular .with children.
It's a simple spell .but quite unbreakable.
Then I'll take it .off your corpse.
You'll find removing a .dead man's spell troublesome.
You'll only wish .you were dead.
No!
Kid, .that's the wizard. Get on it.
On it!
Not cool.
Gotcha!
Wait!
Uh, Mr. Stark, .I'm being beamed up.
Hang on, kid.
- Oh!
Ugh.
Wong, you're invited .to my wedding.
Give me a little juice, .Friday.
Unlock 17:A.
Pete, you gotta let go. .I'm gonna catch you.
But you said .save the wizard!
I can't breathe.
We're too high up. .You're running out of air.
Yeah. That makes sense.
Mr. Stark, it smells .like a new car in here!
Happy trails, kid.
Friday, send him home. .Yep.
Oh, come on!
Boss, incoming call .from Miss Potts.
Tony? Oh, my God.
Are you all right? .What's going on?
Yeah, I'm fine. .I just think
we might have to push .our 8:30 res.
Why?
Just 'cause .I'll probably
not make it back for a while.
Tell me .you're not on that ship.
Yeah.
God, no, please tell me .you're not on the ship.
Honey, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, .I don't know what to say.
Come back here, Tony. .I swear to God.
- Pep. .- Come back here right now.
Come back.
Boss, .we're losing her.
I'm going too.
Oh, my God!
I shoulda stayed on the bus.
Where you going?
The Time Stone's been taken.
The Sanctum remains unguarded.
What will you do?
I'm gonna make a call.
Sing it, Drax!
Why are we doing this again?
It's a distress signal, .Rocket.
Someone could be dying.
I get that, .but why are we doing it?
'Cause we're nice.
And maybe whoever it is
will give us a little .cheddar cheese for our effort.
- Which isn't the point. .- Which isn't the point.
I mean, .if he doesn't pony up...
We take his ship.
- Exactly! .- Bingo!
All right!
We are arriving.
All right, Guardians,
don't forget .this might be dangerous...
so let's put on .our mean faces.
Groot, put that .thing away, now.
I don't wanna tell you again.
- Groot.
I am Groot!
- Whoa! .- Language!
- Hey! .- Wow.
You got some .acorns on you, kid.
Ever since .you got a little sap,
you're a total d-hole.
Now, keep it up, and I'm gonna .smash that thing to pieces.
What happened?
Oh, my God.
Looks like .we're not getting paid.
Wipers! Wipers!
Get it off.
How the hell .is this dude still alive?
He is not a dude.
You're a dude.
This... This is a man.
A handsome, muscular man.
I'm muscular.
But who are you .kidding, Quill?
You're one sandwich .away from fat.
Yeah, right.
It's true, Quill. .You have put on weight.
What?
Gamora, do you think I'm...
He is anxious, angry.
He feels .tremendous loss and guilt.
It's like a pirate had a baby .with an angel.
Wow.
This is a real wake-up call .for me. Okay.
I'm gonna get a Bowflex. .I'm gonna commit.
I'm gonna get some dumbbells.
You know you can't .eat dumbbells, right?
It's like his muscles
are made .of Cotati metal fibers.
Stop massaging his muscles.
Wake him up.
Wake.
Who the hell are you guys?
The entire time I knew Thanos, .he only ever had one goal.
To bring balance .to the universe
by wiping out .half of all life.
He used to kill people .planet by planet,
massacre by massacre.
Including my own.
If he gets .all six Infinity Stones...
he can do it with the snap .of his fingers like this.
You seem to know .a great deal about Thanos.
Gamora .is the daughter of Thanos.
Your father killed my brother.
Oh, boy.
Stepfather, technically.
And she hates him .as much as you do.
Families can be tough.
Before my father died,
he told me .that I had a half-sister...
that he imprisoned in Hel.
And then she returned home .and stabbed me in the eye.
So I had to kill her.
That's life though, .isn't it, I guess.
Goes round and round and...
I feel your pain.
I feel your pain as well, .because...
I mean, .it's not a competition,
but I've been through a lot.
- My father killed my mother.
And then I had to kill .my father.
- That was hard.
Probably even harder .than having to kill a sister.
Plus, I came out with .both my eyes, which was...
I need a hammer, not a spoon.
How do I open this thing? .Is there some sort of, uh...
A four-digit code, maybe? .Maybe a birthdate.
- Uh, what are you doing? .- Taking your pod.
No, you're not.
You will not be taking .our pod today, sir.
Uh... Quill, are you making .your voice deeper?
- No. .- You are.
You're imitating the god-man. .It's weird.
No, I'm not.
He just did it again! .- This is my voice.
Are you mocking me?
- Are you mocking me? .- Stop it. You did it again.
He's trying to copy me.
I need you to stop doing that.
Enough! .- He's doing it first.
We need to stop Thanos.
Which means .we need to find out
where he's going next.
Knowhere.
He must be going somewhere.
No, no. Knowhere?
It's a place. .We've been there. It sucks.
- Excuse me, that's our food. .- Not anymore.
Thor, why would he .go to Knowhere?
Because for years...
the Reality Stone's been .safely stored there
with a man .called the Collector.
If it's with the .Collector, then it's not safe.
Only an idiot .would give that man a stone.
- Or a genius. .- How do you know...
he's not going .for one of the other stones?
There are six stones .out there.
Thanos already has .the Power Stone...
because he stole it last week .when he decimated Xandar.
He stole the Space Stone .from me...
when he destroyed my ship and .slaughtered half my people.
The Time and Mind Stones .are safe on Earth.
They're with the Avengers.
- The Avengers? .- Earth's mightiest heroes.
Like Kevin Bacon?
He may be on the team. .I don't know.
I haven't been there .in a while.
As for the Soul Stone, well, .no one's ever seen that.
No one even knows where it is.
Therefore Thanos can't get it.
Therefore he's going .to Knowhere.
Hence he'll be getting .the Reality Stone.
You're welcome.
Then we have to go .to Knowhere now.
Wrong. Where we have to go .is Nidavellir.
- That's a made-up word. .- All words are made up.
Nidavellir is real? Seriously?
That place is a legend.
They make the most powerful, .horrific weapons
to ever torment the universe.
I would very much like .to go there, please.
The rabbit is correct
and clearly the smartest .among you.
Rabbit?
Only Eitri the Dwarf can .make me the weapon I need.
I assume .you're the captain, sir.
You're very perceptive.
You seem like a noble leader.
Will you join me .on my quest to Nidavellir?
Let me just ask the captain. .Oh, wait a second, it's me!
- Yeah. I'll go. .- Wonderful!
Uh, except for that .I'm the captain.
Quiet.
- That's my backpack. .- Go sit down.
Look, this is my ship.
And I'm not goin' to...
Wait, what kinda weapon .are we talkin' about here?
The Thanos-killing kind.
Don't you think that we should .all have a weapon like that?
No. You simply lack .the strength to wield them.
Your bodies would crumble
as your minds collapsed .into madness.
Is it weird that I wanna do it .even more now?
Mmm, a little bit, yeah.
If we don't go to Knowhere
and Thanos retrieves .another stone...
he'll be too powerful to stop.
- He already is. .- I got it figured out.
We got two ships
and a large assortment .of morons.
So me and Groot will go .with the pirate angel here.
And the morons .will go to Knowhere
to try to stop Thanos.
- Cool? Cool. .- So cool.
For the record...
I know that .you're going with him
because it's where .Thanos isn't.
You know, you really shouldn't
talk that way .to your captain, Quill.
Come on, Groot.
Put that game down. .You'll rot your brain.
I bid you farewell .and good luck, morons.
Bye.
Vis?
Is it the stone again?
It's as if .it's speaking to me.
What does it say?
I don't... I don't know, .but something.
- Hey.
Tell me what you feel.
I just feel you.
So there's a 10:00 a.m. .to Glasgow...
which would give us more time .together before you went back.
What if .I miss that train?
There's an 11:00.
What if I missed .all the trains?
What if this time .I didn't go back?
But you gave Stark your word.
I'd rather give it to you.
Well, there are people who are .expecting me too, you know.
We both made promises.
Not to each other.
Wanda.
For two years, .we've stolen these moments...
trying to see .if this could work and...
I don't know.
You know what, I'm just .gonna speak for myself.
I think...
- It works. .- It works.
It works.
Stay.
Stay with me.
Or not. If I'm overstepping...
What are they?
What the stone .was warning me about.
I have to go.
No, Vision.
Vision, if that's true,
then maybe .going isn't the best idea.
Wanda, I...
- Vision!
The blade, .it stopped me from phasing.
- Is that even possible? .- It isn't supposed to be.
My systems are failing.
I'm beginning to think .we should have stayed in bed.
Vis!
Give up the stone, .and she lives.
Hands off.
Come on. Come on.
Come on, you gotta get up.
You gotta get up. .Come on. Hey.
Hey. We have to go.
Please. Please leave.
You asked me to stay.
- I'm staying. .- Please.
- Get up. .- I can't.
We don't wanna kill you, .but we will.
You'll never get .the chance again.
Can you stand?
Thank you, Captain.
Let's get you on the jet.
Now, I thought we had a deal.
Stay close, check in, .don't take any chances.
I'm sorry.
We just wanted time.
Where to, Cap?
Home.
We'll be safe. .We'll be safe.
Zehobereians.
Mother! Where's my mother?
Choose a side or die.
Mother!
One side .is a revelation...
the other an honor .known only to a few.
What's wrong, little one?
My mother. Where is my mother?
What's your name?
Gamora.
You're quite the fighter, .Gamora.
Come.
Let me help you.
Look.
Pretty, isn't it?
Perfectly balanced, .as all things should be.
Too much to one side .or the other...
Here. You try.
Now, go in peace .to meet your maker.
- Uh-uh.
Concentrate.
There. You've got it.
Gamora.
Do you know if these grenades
are the blow-off-your-junk .kind or the gas kind?
Because I was thinking about
hanging a couple .on my belt right here.
But I don't want to .if they're the...
I need to ask a favor.
Yeah, sure.
One way or another,
the path that we're on .leads to Thanos.
Which is what .the grenades are for.
Uh, I'm sorry. .What's the favor?
If things go wrong...
If Thanos gets me...
I want you to promise me...
you'll kill me.
What?
I know something he doesn't.
And if he finds it out,
the entire universe .could be at risk.
What do you know?
If I tell you, you'd know too.
If it's so important...
shouldn't I?
Only if you wanna die.
Why does somebody always .have to die in this scenario?
Just...
Trust me. .And possibly kill me.
I mean, I'd like to.
- I really would. But you...
Swear to me.
Swear to me on your mother.
Okay.
Okay.
- Oh. .- Dude.
How long have you been .standing there?
An hour.
An hour?
Are you serious?
I've mastered the ability
of standing .so incredibly still...
that I become .invisible to the eye.
Watch.
You're eating a zarg-nut.
But my movement...
was so slow...
that it's imperceptible.
Mmm, no.
I'm sure I'm invisible.
Hi, Drax.
Damn it.
This place looks deserted.
I'm reading movement .in the third quadrant.
Yep, .I'm picking that up too.
Let's put down right here.
I don't have it.
Everyone .in the galaxy knows
you'd sell your own brother...
if you thought it would add .even the slightest trinket...
to your pathetic collection.
I know you have .the Reality Stone, Tivan.
Giving it to me will spare you .a great deal of suffering.
I told you.
I sold it.
Why would I lie?
I imagine it's like .breathing for you.
Like suicide.
You do understand.
Not even you would surrender .something so precious.
I didn't know what it was.
Then you're more of a fool .than I took you for.
It's him.
Last chance, charlatan.
Where's the stone?
Today...
Drax. Drax.
...he pays for the deaths .of my wife and daughter.
Drax, wait.
Not yet, not yet, not yet.
Drax.
Drax, Drax, Drax. .Listen to me.
He doesn't have the stone yet.
If we get it, .then we can stop him.
We have to get .the stone first. Yeah.
No.
No. For Ovette, for Camaria.
Sleep.
Okay.
Gamora, Mantis, you go right.
The other right.
Why?
Why you, daughter?
That was quick.
Magnificent! Magnificent! .Magnificent!
Is that sadness .I sense in you, daughter?
In my heart, .I knew you still cared.
But one never knows for sure.
Reality is often .disappointing.
That is, it was.
Now...
reality can be .whatever I want.
You knew I'd come.
I counted on it.
There's something we need .to discuss, little one.
Thanos!
No!
Let her go, Grimace.
Peter.
I told you to go right.
Now? Really?
You let her go!
- Ah, the boyfriend.
No.
Like to think of myself
more as a Titan-killing, .long-term booty call.
- Let her go. .- Peter.
I'm gonna blow that nutsack .of a chin right off your face.
Not him.
You promised. You promised.
Oh, daughter.
You expect too much from him.
She's asked, hasn't she?
Do it.
Mmm.
- Do it!
I told you to go right.
I love you more than anything.
I love you too.
I like him.
Still no word from Vision?
Satellites lost him .somewhere over Edinburgh.
On a stolen Quinjet
with four of the world's .most wanted criminals.
You know they're .only criminals because
you've chosen to .call them that, right, sir?
My God, Rhodes.
Your talent for horseshit .rivals my own.
If it weren't .for those Accords,
Vision would've been .right here.
I remember your signature .on those papers, Colonel.
That's right.
And I'm pretty sure .I paid for that.
You have second thoughts?
Not anymore.
Mr. Secretary.
You got some nerve.
I'll give you that.
You could use .some of that right now.
The world's on fire.
And you think all is forgiven?
I'm not looking .for forgiveness.
And I'm way past .asking permission.
Earth just lost .her best defender.
So we're here to fight.
And if you wanna .stand in our way...
we'll fight you too.
Arrest them.
All over it.
That's a court-martial.
It's great to see you, Cap.
- You too, Rhodey.
Hey.
Wow. You guys...
really look like crap.
Must've been .a rough couple years.
Yeah, well, the hotels .weren't exactly five star.
Uh, I think .you look great.
Uh...
Yeah, I'm back.
Hi, Bruce.
Nat.
This is awkward.
So we gotta assume .they're coming back, right?
And they can clearly find us.
We need all hands on deck. .Where's Clint?
After the whole .Accords situation,
he and Scott took a deal. .It was too tough
on their families. .They're on house arrest.
- Who's Scott? .- Ant-Man.
There's an Ant-Man .and a Spider-Man?
Okay, look.
Thanos has the biggest army .in the universe...
and he is not gonna stop .until he gets...
Vision's stone.
Then we have to protect it.
No, we have to destroy it.
I've been giving .a good deal of thought
to this entity in my head.
About its nature.
But also its composition.
I think if it were exposed
to a sufficiently powerful .energy source...
something very similar to .its own signature, perhaps...
its molecular integrity .could fail.
Yeah, and you with it.
We're not having .this conversation.
Eliminating the stone .is the only way
to be certain that .Thanos can't get it.
That's too high a price.
Only you have .the power to pay it.
Thanos threatens .half the universe.
One life cannot stand .in the way of defeating him.
But it should.
We don't trade lives, Vision.
Captain, 70 years ago, .you laid down your life...
to save how many .millions of people?
Tell me, .why is this any different?
Because you might .have a choice.
Your mind is made up
of a complex construct .of overlays.
Jarvis, Ultron, .Tony, me, the stone.
All of them mixed together,
all of them .learning from one another.
You're saying Vision isn't .just the stone?
I'm saying that .if we take out the stone...
there's still a whole lot .of Vision left.
Perhaps the best parts.
Can we do that?
Not me, not here.
Well, .you better find someone
and somewhere fast.
Ross isn't just gonna .let you guys
have your old rooms back.
I know somewhere.
The Kingsguard
and the Dora Milaje .have been alerted.
And the Border Tribe?
Those that are left.
Send word .to the Jabari as well.
M'Baku likes a good fight.
And what of this one?
This one may be tired of war.
But the White Wolf .has rested long enough.
Where's the fight?
On its way.
In all the time .I've served Thanos...
I have never failed him.
If I were to reach .our rendezvous on Titan...
with the Time Stone .still attached
to your vaguely .irritating person...
there would be judgment.
Give me...
the stone.
Wow, you're a seriously
loyal piece of outerwear, .aren't you?
Yeah, uh, .speaking of loyalty...
What the...
- I know what you're gonna say. .- You should not be here.
- I was gonna go home. .- I don't wanna hear it.
But it was such a long way .down and I just thought
- about you on the way... .- And now I gotta hear it.
...and kinda stuck to the side .of the ship.
And this suit is ridiculously .intuitive, by the way.
God damn it.
So, if anything, it's kinda .your fault that I'm here.
- What did you just say? .- I take that back.
And now, I'm here in space.
Yeah, right where .I didn't want you to be.
This isn't Coney Island. .This isn't a field trip.
This is a one-way ticket.
You hear me? Don't pretend .you thought this through.
No, I did think this through.
You could not have possibly .thought this through.
You can't be a friendly .neighborhood Spider-Man...
if there's no neighborhood.
Okay, that didn't .really make sense,
but you know .what I'm trying to say.
Come on. We got a situation.
See him down there? .He's in trouble.
What's your plan?
- Go. .- Um...
Okay, okay... Uh...
Okay. Did you ever see .this really old movie, "Aliens?"
Painful, aren't they?
They were originally designed .for microsurgery.
- And any one of them...
could end your friend's life .in an instant.
I gotta tell you, .he's not really my friend.
Saving his life is more .of a professional courtesy.
You've saved nothing.
Your powers .are inconsequential
compared to mine.
Yeah, but the kid's .seen more movies.
Yes! Wait. .What are those?
Hey, .we haven't officially met.
Cool.
We gotta turn .this ship around.
Yeah, now he wants .to run. Great plan.
No, I want to protect .the stone.
And I want you .to thank me.
Now, go ahead. I'm listening.
For what? .Nearly blasting me into space?
Who just saved .your magical ass? Me.
I seriously don't know
how you fit your head .into that helmet.
Admit it, you should've .ducked out when I told you to.
I tried to bench you. .You refused.
Unlike everyone else in your .life, I don't work for you.
And due to that fact,
we're now .in a flying doughnut...
billions of miles from Earth .with no backup.
- I'm backup. .- No, you're a stowaway.
The adults are talking.
I'm sorry, I'm confused .as to the relationship here.
What is he, your ward?
No.
- I'm Peter, by the way. .- Doctor Strange.
Oh, you're using .our made-up names. Um...
I'm Spider-Man, then.
This ship is .self-correcting its course.
Thing's on autopilot.
Can we control it?
Fly us home?
- Stark? .- Yeah.
Can you get us home?
Yeah, I heard you.
I'm thinking I'm not .so sure we should.
Under no circumstances
can we bring .the Time Stone to Thanos.
I don't think .you quite understand
what's at stake here.
What? No. It's you .who doesn't understand...
that Thanos has been .inside my head for six years.
Since he sent an army .to New York
and now he's back.
And I don't know what to do.
So I'm not so sure
if it's a better plan to fight .him on our turf or his...
but you saw what they did, .what they can do.
At least on his turf, .he's not expecting it.
So I say we take .the fight to him.
Doctor.
Do you concur?
All right, Stark. .We go to him.
But you have to understand...
if it comes to saving you
or the kid .or the Time Stone...
I will not hesitate .to let either of you die.
I can't, because the universe .depends on it.
Nice. Good, moral compass.
We're straight.
All right, kid.
You're an Avenger now.
I thought .you might be hungry.
I always hated that chair.
So I've been told.
Even so, I'd hoped you'd .sit in it one day.
I hated this room.
This ship.
I hated my life.
You told me that too.
Every day.
For almost 20 years.
I was a child .when you took me.
I saved you.
No.
No. We were happy .on my home planet.
Going to bed hungry...
scrounging for scraps.
Your planet was .on the brink of collapse.
I'm the one who stopped that.
Do you know .what's happened since then?
The children born...
have known nothing but .full bellies and clear skies.
It's a paradise.
Because you murdered .half the planet.
A small price to pay .for salvation.
You're insane.
Little one, .it's a simple calculus.
This universe is finite, .its resources finite.
If life is left unchecked, .life will cease to exist.
It needs correction.
You don't know that!
I'm the only one .who knows that.
At least, I'm the only one .with the will to act on it.
For a time...
you had that same will...
as you fought by my side.
Daughter.
I'm not your daughter.
Everything I hate about myself .you taught me.
And, in doing so,
made you the fiercest woman .in the galaxy.
That's why I trusted you .to find the Soul Stone.
I'm sorry I disappointed you.
I am disappointed.
But not because .you didn't find it.
But because you did.
And you lied.
Nebula.
Don't do this.
Some time ago,
your sister snuck aboard .this ship to kill me.
Please don't do this.
And very nearly succeeded.
So I brought her here.
To talk.
Stop. Stop it.
I swear to you on my life.
I never found the Soul Stone.
Accessing memory files.
You know .what he's about to do.
He's finally ready, .and he's going for the stones.
- All of them. .- He can never get them all.
He will!
He can't, Nebula.
Because I found the map .to the Soul Stone...
and I burned it to ash. .I burned it.
You're strong.
Me.
You're generous.
Me.
But I never taught you to lie.
That's why .you're so bad at it.
Where is the Soul Stone?
Vormir!
The stone is on Vormir.
Show me.
I am Groot.
Tinkle in the cup.
We're not looking. .What's there to see?
What's a twig? Everybody's .seen a twig before.
I am Groot.
Tree, pour what's in the cup
out into space .and go in the cup again.
You speak Groot?
Yes, they taught it on Asgard. .It was an elective.
I am Groot.
You'll know when we're close.
Nidavellir's forge harnesses
the blazing power .of a neutron star.
It's the birthplace .of my hammer.
It's truly awesome.
Okay, time to be the captain.
So, dead brother, huh?
Yeah, that could be annoying.
Well, he's been dead before.
But, no, this time I think .it really might be true.
And you said .your sister and your dad?
Both dead.
But still got a mom, though?
Killed by a dark elf.
A best friend?
Stabbed through the heart.
You sure you're up to this .particular murder mission?
Absolutely.
Rage and vengeance, .anger, loss, regret...
they're all .tremendous motivators.
They really clear the mind.
So I'm good to go.
Yeah, but this Thanos .we're talkin' about...
he's the toughest there is.
- Well, he's never fought me. .- Yeah, he has.
He's never fought me twice.
And I'm getting a new hammer, .don't forget.
It better be some hammer.
You know, I'm 1,500 years old.
I've killed twice .as many enemies as that.
And every one of them .would've rather killed me,
but none succeeded.
I'm only alive .because fate wants me alive.
Thanos is just the latest .in a long line of bastards...
and he'll be the latest .to feel my vengeance.
Fate wills it so.
Mmm-hmm.
And what if you're wrong?
If I'm wrong, then...
what more could I lose?
I could lose a lot.
Me, personally, .I could lose a lot.
Okay.
If fate does want you .to kill that crapsack...
you're gonna need more .than one stupid eyeball.
- What's this? .- What's it look like?
Some jerk lost a bet with me .on Contraxia.
He gave you his eye?
No, he gave me 100 credits.
I snuck into his room later .that night and stole his eye.
Thank you, sweet rabbit.
Hmm.
Huh?
Oh.
I would've washed that.
The only way I could sneak it .off Contraxia was up my...
Hey, we're here!
I don't think .this thing works.
Everything seems dark.
It ain't the eye.
Something's wrong.
The star's gone out.
And the rings are frozen.
I hope .these dwarves are better
at forging .than they are cleaning.
Maybe they realized .that they live
in a junk pile .in the middle of space.
This forge hasn't gone dark .in centuries.
You said Thanos .had a gauntlet, right?
Yes, why?
It look .anything like that?
I am Groot.
Go back to the pod.
Eitri, wait!
Stop!
Stop.
Thor?
What happened here?
You were supposed .to protect us.
Asgard was supposed .to protect us.
Asgard is destroyed.
Eitri, the glove. .What did you do?
300 dwarves .lived on this ring.
I thought if I did what .he asked, they'd be safe.
I made what he wanted.
A device capable of harnessing .the power of the stones.
Then he killed .everyone anyway.
All except me.
"Your life is yours," he said.
"But your hands .are mine alone."
Eitri, this isn't about .your hands.
Every weapon .you've ever designed,
every axe, hammer, sword...
it's all inside your head.
Now, I know it feels .like all hope is lost.
Trust me, I know.
But together, you and I, .we can kill Thanos.
Mantis, listen very carefully.
I need you .to meet me on Titan.
Hey, what's going on?
I think we're here.
I don't think this rig has .a self-park function.
Get your hand .inside the steering gimbal.
Close those around it.
- You understand? .- Yep, got it.
This was meant for .one big guy, so we gotta
- move at the same time. .- Okay, okay. Ready.
- We might wanna turn.
Turn! Turn! Turn!
You all right?
That was close.
I owe you one.
Let me just say, if aliens
wind up implanting eggs .in my chest or something...
and I eat one of you, .I'm sorry.
I do not want another .single pop culture reference
out of you for the rest .of the trip. You understand?
I'm trying to say .that something is coming.
Thanos!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Please don't .put your eggs in me!
- Stay down, clown.
Die, blanket of death!
Everybody stay where .you are. Chill the eff out.
I'm gonna ask you .this one time.
Where is Gamora?
Yeah. I'll do you one better. .Who's Gamora?
I'll do you one better. .Why is Gamora?
Tell me where the girl is .or I swear to you
I'm gonna French fry .this little freak.
Let's do it. You shoot my guy .and I'll blast him. Let's go!
Do it, Quill! I can take it.
- No, he can't take it! .- She's right. You can't.
Oh, yeah? You don't wanna tell .me where she is? That's fine.
I'll kill all three of you
and I'll beat it .out of Thanos myself.
Starting with you.
Wait, what, Thanos?
All right, let me ask you .this one time.
What master do you serve?
What master do I serve?
What am I supposed to say, ."Jesus"?
You're from Earth.
I'm not from Earth, .I'm from Missouri.
Yeah, that's on Earth, .dipshit.
What are you hassling us for?
So you're not .with Thanos?
With Thanos?
No, I'm here to kill Thanos.
He took my girl. .Wait, who are you?
- We're the Avengers, man. .- Oh.
You're the ones .Thor told us about.
You know Thor?
Yeah.
Tall guy, not that .good-looking, needed saving.
Where is he now?
This is the plan? We're gonna .hit him with a brick?
It's a mold.
A king's weapon.
Meant to be .the greatest in Asgard.
In theory, it could even .summon the Bifrost.
Did it have a name?
Stormbreaker.
That's a bit much.
So how do we make it?
You'll have to restart .the forge.
Awaken the heart .of a dying star.
Rabbit, fire up the pod.
The hell happened .to this planet?
It's eight degrees .off its axis.
Gravitational pull .is all over the place.
Yeah, we got one advantage. .He's coming to us.
We'll use it. .All right, I have a plan.
Or at least .the beginnings of one.
It's pretty simple. .We draw him in,
pin him down, .get what we need.
Definitely don't wanna .dance with this guy.
We just want the gauntlet.
- Are you yawning?
In the middle of this, while .I'm breaking it down? Huh?
Did you hear what I said?
I stopped listening after .you said, "We need a plan."
Okay, Mr. Clean .is on his own page.
See, "not winging it" .isn't really what they do.
Uh, what exactly .is it that they do?
Kick names, take ass.
Yeah, that's right.
All right, just get over here, .please.
Mr. Lord, can you get .your folks to circle up?
"Mr. Lord." Star-Lord is fine.
We gotta coalesce.
'Cause if all we come at him .with is a plucky attitude...
Dude, don't call us plucky.
We don't know what it means.
All right, we're optimistic, .yes. I like your plan.
Except it sucks, .so let me do the plan...
and that way .it might be really good.
Tell him about the dance-off .to save the universe.
- What dance-off? .- It's nothing.
Like in Footloose, the movie?
Exactly like Footloose.
Is it still the greatest movie .in history?
It never was.
Don't encourage this, .all right?
- Okay. .- We're getting no help
- from Flash Gordon here. .- Flash Gordon?
By the way, .that's a compliment.
Don't forget, I'm half human.
So that 50% of me .that's stupid...
that's 100% you.
Your math .is blowing my mind.
Excuse me.
But does your friend .often do that?
Strange, we all right?
You're back. You're all right.
- Hi. .- Hey, what was that?
I went forward in time .to view alternate futures.
To see all .the possible outcomes
of the coming conflict.
How many did you see?
14,000,605.
How many did we win?
One.
The stone .had better be up there.
For your sister's sake.
Welcome, Thanos, son of Alars.
Gamora, daughter of Thanos.
You know us?
It is my curse to know all .who journey here.
Where is the Soul Stone?
You should know...
it extracts a terrible price.
I am prepared.
We all think that at first.
We are all wrong.
How is it you know .this place so well?
A lifetime ago, .I, too, sought the stones.
I even held one in my hand.
But it cast me out, .banished me here.
Guiding others to a treasure .I cannot possess.
What you seek .lies in front of you.
As does what you fear.
What's this?
The price.
Soul holds a special place .among the Infinity Stones.
You might say it has .a certain wisdom.
Tell me what it needs.
To ensure that .whoever possesses it...
understands its power...
the stone demands a sacrifice.
Of what?
In order to take the stone,
you must lose .that which you love.
A soul...
for a soul.
All my life, .I dreamed of a day...
a moment...
when you got .what you deserved.
And I was always .so disappointed.
But now...
You kill and torture...
and you call it mercy.
The universe has judged you.
You asked it for a prize, .and it told you no.
You failed.
And do you wanna know why?
Because you love nothing.
No one.
No.
Really?
Tears?
They're not for him.
No.
This isn't love.
I ignored my destiny once.
I cannot do that again.
Even for you.
I'm sorry, little one.
No!
Drop to 2600, heading 0-3-0.
I hope you're right .about this.
Or we're gonna land .a lot faster than you want to.
When you said we were .going to open Wakanda
to the rest of the world...
this is not what I imagined.
And what did you imagine?
The Olympics.
Maybe even a Starbucks.
Should we bow?
Yeah, he's a king.
Seems like I'm always .thanking you for something.
- What are you doing?
Uh, we don't do that here.
So how big of an assault .should we expect?
Uh, sir, I think you should .expect quite a big assault.
How we looking?
You will have my Kingsguard,
the Border Tribe, .the Dora Milaje, and...
And a semi-stable .100-year-old man.
How you been, Buck?
Uh, not bad, .for the end of the world.
Whoa.
The structure is polymorphic.
Right, we had to attach .each neuron non-sequentially.
Why didn't you just reprogram
the synapses .to work collectively?
Because we didn't think of it.
I'm sure you did your best.
Can you do it?
Yes, but there are more than .two trillion neurons here.
One misalignment could cause .a cascade of circuit failures.
It will take time, brother.
How long?
As long as you can give me.
Something's entered .the atmosphere.
Hey, Cap, we got .a situation here.
God, I love this place.
Yeah, don't .start celebrating yet, guys.
We got more incoming .outside the dome.
It's too late.
We need to destroy .the stone now.
Vision, get your ass .back on the table.
We will hold them off.
Wanda, as soon as that stone's .out of his head...
you blow it to hell.
I will.
Evacuate the city. .Engage all defenses.
And get this man a shield.
I don't think
you get the scientifics here.
These rings are gigantic. .You wanna get them moving...
you're gonna need something .a lot bigger
to yank 'em loose.
- Leave that to me. .- Leave it to you?
Buddy, you're in space. .All you got is a rope and a...
Fire the engines!
More power, rabbit!
Well done, boy.
That's Nidavellir.
Damn it.
"Damn it"? What's "damn it"?
The mechanism .is crippled.
- What? .- With the iris closed,
I can't heat the metal.
How long will it take .to heat it?
A few minutes, .maybe more. Why?
I'm gonna hold it open.
That's suicide.
So is facing Thanos .without that axe.
How we looking, Bruce?
Yeah, I think .I'm getting the hang of it.
Wow! This is amazing, man.
It's like being the Hulk .without actually...
I'm okay. I'm okay.
I've got two heat signatures
breaking through .the tree line.
Thank you .for standing with us.
Where's your other friend?
You will pay for his life .with yours.
Thanos will have that stone.
That's not gonna happen.
You are in Wakanda now.
Thanos will have nothing .but dust and blood.
We have blood to spare.
They surrender?
Not exactly.
What the hell?
Looks like we pissed her off.
They're killing themselves.
You see the teeth .on those things?
All right, back up, Sam.
You're gonna get .your wings singed.
Cap, if these things .circle the perimeter
and get in behind us...
there's nothing .between them and Vision.
Then we better keep 'em .in front of us.
How do we do that?
We open the barrier.
On my signal, open North-West .Section Seventeen.
Requesting .confirmation, My King.
You said open the barrier?
On my signal.
This will be .the end of Wakanda.
Then it will be .the noblest ending in history.
Wakanda forever!
Now!
How much longer, Shuri?
I've barely begun, brother.
You might want to pick up .the pace
Allfathers, give me strength.
You understand, boy?
You're about to take .the full force of a star.
It'll kill you.
Only if I die.
Yes.
That's what killing you means.
Hold it! Hold it, Thor!
Thor! Say something. Come on.
Thor, you okay?
I think he's dying.
He needs the axe!
Where's the handle?
Tree, help me find the handle!
There's too many of 'em!
You guys .are so screwed now!
Bring me Thanos!
Oh, yeah.
You're much more of a Thanos.
I take it the Maw is dead.
This day .extracts a heavy toll.
Still, he accomplished .his mission.
You may regret that.
He brought you face-to-face
with the Master .of the Mystic Arts.
And where do you think .he brought you?
Let me guess. Your home?
It was.
And it was beautiful.
Titan was like most planets.
Too many mouths, .not enough to go around.
And when we faced extinction, .I offered a solution.
Genocide.
But random, dispassionate, .fair to rich and poor alike.
They called me a madman.
And what I predicted .came to pass.
Congratulations, .you're a prophet.
I'm a survivor.
Who wants to murder trillions.
With all six stones, I could .simply snap my fingers.
They would all cease to exist. .I call that mercy.
And then what?
I'd finally rest...
and watch the sun rise .on a grateful universe.
The hardest choices require .the strongest wills.
I think you'll find our will .equal to yours.
Our?
Piece of cake, Quill.
Yeah, if your goal .was to piss him off.
Boom!
- Don't let him close his fist.
Magic.
More magic.
Magic with a kick.
Magic with a...
- Insect!
Well, well.
You should've killed me.
It would've been .a waste of parts!
Where's Gamora?
Is he under? .Don't let up.
Be quick. He is very strong.
Parker, help! Get over here.
She can't hold him .much longer. Let's go.
We gotta open .his fingers to get it off.
I thought you'd be .hard to catch.
For the record, .this was my plan.
You're not so strong now, huh?
Where is Gamora?
My Gamora.
No, bullshit!
Where is she?
He is in anguish.
- Good.
He... He mourns.
What does .this monster have to mourn?
Gamora.
What?
He took her to Vormir.
He came back .with the Soul Stone.
But she didn't.
Okay, Quill, you gotta cool it .right now. You understand?
Don't, don't. Don't engage. .We almost got this off!
Tell me she's lying.
Asshole, .tell me you didn't do it!
I had to.
No, you didn't.
- No, you didn't.
- No, you didn't! .- Quill!
Hey, stop! .Hey, stop! Stop!
- Hey, stop! Stop!
It's coming, it's .coming. I got it, I got it!
Oh, God.
Come and get some, .space dogs!
Come on! Get some! Get some!
Come on! Get some!
- How much for the gun? .- Not for sale.
Okay. How much for the arm?
Oh, I'll get that arm.
New haircut?
Noticed you've copied .my beard.
By the way, this is .a friend of mine, Tree.
I am Groot.
I am Steve Rogers.
Fall back! Fall back, now!
Focus that fire .on the left flank, Sam.
I'm doing it.
Why was she up there .all this time?
She's on the field. Take it.
Guys, we got .a Vision situation here.
Somebody get to Vision!
- I got him! .- On my way.
He'll die alone. As will you.
She's not alone.
Oh, no, you don't.
This isn't gonna be .like New York, pal.
This suit's already kicked .the crap outta the Hulk.
What? No! No!
Guys! .Vision needs backup, now!
Hulk? Hulk,
I know you like making your .entrance at the last second.
Well, this is it, man. .This is the last, last second.
Hulk! Hulk!
Hulk!
No!
Oh, screw .you, you big, green asshole!
I'll do it myself!
Come on! Yeah!
- See ya!
Hulk, we got a lot .to figure out, pal.
I thought you were formidable, .machine.
But you're dying, .like any man.
Get outta here!
Go!
That was really gross.
I thought I told you to go.
We don't trade lives, Captain.
I got you. I got you.
I'm sorry I can't remember .anybody's names.
You're full of tricks, wizard.
Yet you never once used .your greatest weapon.
A fake.
You throw another moon at me, .and I'm gonna lose it.
Stark.
You know me?
I do.
You're not the only one .cursed with knowledge.
My only curse is you.
Come on!
All that for a drop of blood.
You have my respect, Stark.
When I'm done, half of .humanity will still be alive.
I hope they remember you.
Stop.
Spare his life...
and I will give you the stone.
No tricks.
Don't.
One to go.
Where is he?
Did we just lose?
Why would you do that?
We're in the endgame now.
Are you okay?
What? What is it?
He's here.
Everyone, on my position. .We have incoming.
What the hell?
Cap.
That's him.
Eyes up. Stay sharp.
Wanda.
It's time.
No.
They can't stop him, Wanda, .but we can.
Look at me.
You have the power .to destroy the stone.
Don't.
You must do it. Wanda, please.
We are out of time.
I can't.
Yes, you can.
You can.
If he gets the stone, .half the universe dies.
It's not fair.
It shouldn't be you, .but it is.
It's all right.
You could never hurt me.
I just feel you.
It's all right.
It's all right.
I love you.
I understand, my child.
Better than anyone.
You could never.
Today, I lost more .than you can know.
But now is no time to mourn.
Now is no time at all.
No!
I told you...
you'd die for that.
You should have...
You should...
You should have .gone for the head.
No!
Daughter?
Did you do it?
Yes.
What did it cost?
Everything.
What did you do?
What'd you do?
Where'd he go?
Thor.
Where'd he go?
Steve?
Up, General. Up!
This is no place to die.
I am Groot.
- Oh...
No, no, no!
Groot! No.
Sam!
Sam, where you at?
Something's happening.
Quill?
Steady, Quill.
Oh, man.
Tony.
There was no other way.
Mr. Stark?
I don't feel so good.
You're all right.
I don't... I don't know .what's happening.
I don't know...
I don't want to go.
I don't want to go, sir. .Please.
Please, I don't want to go. .I don't want to go.
I'm sorry.
He did it.
What is this? .What the hell is happening?
Oh, God.
Still no word .from Stark?
No, not yet.
We're watching every satellite
on both hemispheres, .but still nothing.
- What is it?
Multiple bogeys .over Wakanda.
Same energy signature .as New York?
Ten times bigger.
Tell Klein .we'll meet him at...
- Nick! Nick!
They okay?
There's no one here.
Call Control.
Code red.
Nick.
Hill.
Oh, no.
Mother...
Fuck Wolverine.
First, he rides my coattails .with the R rating.
Then the hairy motherfucker .ups the ante by dying.
What a dick.
Well, guess what, Wolvie?
I'm dying in this one, too.
To understand .why I took a cat-nap
on 1,200 gallons .of high-test fuel...
I need to take you back
to the dewy slopes .of six weeks ago.
I'd gone international,
taking out mass murderers, .gangsters,
unspeakable monsters.
People nobody would touch. .Except me.
I'm gonna touch them all over.
Hey, it's Gail calling.
Love the shiny suit.
Really brings out
the sex trafficker .in your eyes.
I don't .speak Cantonese, Mister...
Well, I'm not even gonna .attempt that.
But I did take 8th grade Spanish, so...
Which literally .translates to...
I don't bargain, .pumpkin fucker.
Oh. Oh, this isn't Gilbert's.
I am so sorry.
I thought this was .an anal-bleaching party.
Don't worry. .You're not going to die.
Although these will kill you.
Hit it, Dolly.
I'm merely .a vessel for the Lord.
Taking the hands out .of the guns of the criminals!
Whoo! Do not go in there!
Let's see .Captain America do that.
Too exotic?
Oh, God! Oh, God, .time out! Time out!
Cut. I've got bad guy blood, .right in my open eye.
Oh, that's so gross.
Fuck.
Looks like you left .a little landing strip there.
I like it.
Oh, man!
My world tour .brought me home
to this guy, .Sergei Valishnikov.
But we'll get to him .in a moment.
'Cause I know .what you're thinking.
"I'm so glad .I left the kiddos at home."
But that's where .you'd be wrong.
That babysitter of yours .is high as fuck right now...
and, believe it or not, .Deadpool 2 is a family film.
True story.
And every good family film .starts with a vicious murder.
Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.
Holy shit pickles! .That guy's on fire.
That's not CGI, folks. .He's actually on fire.
Yeah. You know I get paid .to take out bad guys, right?
But this guy?
He was .one of the worst of 'em.
Hurry up and open .this fucking door,
and let's kill .this motherfucker!
Ugh. So gross.
A panic room? Really?
Can you come out?
I really have to go. .It's my anniversary.
Over and over, .I hear people say,
"I just don't have .enough confidence."
Listen, confidence is not .something you have.
It's something you create.
And you can create it .at any moment in time.
A sense of confidence .is nothing
but a sense of power .within yourself...
a sense of certainty that .you can pull something off.
Start the fucking car!
Dopinder!
Start the fucking car!
Shoot that motherfucker! .Shoot him!
Whoo! Oh, I shit my pants.
Actually, that may .have been me.
Oh, mission accomplished?
Oh, in a George W. .sort of way.
Fucker can't stay .in a panic room forever.
Oh, you're living .the dreams, DP.
It has been .quite the run, Dopinder,
and who'da thought?
Now I'm talked about .in the same sentence as Jesus.
Passion of the Christ, then me.
At least domestically.
We beat them overseas,
where there's no such thing .as religion.
I do want to live .the dreams, Pool Boy.
Taxiing is not as sexy .as it looks.
I want to fill my... Pockets?
What's your poison? .A little, uh, cokey cokey?
Can't maintain an erection
without buying shoes online?
I've never experienced .that last one.
Talk to me, Goose.
I was going to say "soul". .I want to fill my soul.
I want to belong to something, .like you, Pool, sir.
Dopinder... Hmm?
You never cease .to surprise me.
You know, the depth of .your heart is extraordinary.
We all need .a sense of belonging.
We all need .a genuine sense of home.
A place in this world.
I want to become .a contract killer.
I'm sorry. What did you say?
Remember when .I kidnapped Bandhu
and threatened him .with great violence?
You kind of killed him.
And then remember the movie .Interview with the Vampire?
Don't want to.
When Tom Cruise fed
10-year-old .Kirsten Dunst blood
for the first time...
and she looked up .at his smooth,
handsome face and said...
"I want some more."
Oh, Pool, picture me, .a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.
I'll never not picture that.
But I can't wait .to never speak of this,
as soon as possible.
We're here.
Dopinder, it's me again.
Look, a saner man .might discourage you
from joining .the deadly merc business...
what, with your concave chest
and your .paper towel tube arms.
But you're an eagle...
and goddamn it, .an eagle's gotta soar.
You gotta grab those dreams,
grab those dreams .by the dick tip...
and make it rain!
I don't know what that means.
Me neither.
I'm gonna see you...
at the office.
In the sky.
You're my Tom Cruise!
And you're my Kristen Dunst!
Kristen? Kirsten?
Sorry I'm late.
There was a bunch of
handicapable children .stuck in a tree...
and I had to, uh... Uh-uh.
You're right. .I was fighting a caped badass.
But then we discovered .his mom is named Martha, too.
No.You got me.
I was rounding up .all the gluten in the world
and launching it into space...
where it can't not .hurt us ever again.
Try again.
Diarrhea?
We can't be sure .until I get this suit off...
but, uh, .all signs point to yes.
Traffic?
Hmm?
Kiss me .like you miss me, Red.
Well, come here.
I'm gonna shower .and get out of this suit.
Don't you want .your surprise?
Do I look like .a patient burn victim?
I got one for you, too.
Happy anniversary, baby.
Open, open, open.
Skee-Ball token.
Our first date.
Yup.
That's genuine, .high-grade lead.
I'll keep it forever.
Thank you, baby.
Open yours. All right, all right.
Oh...
That's just the most .beautiful thing that I've...
I don't know .what this is.
My IUD.
A bomb?
No, dick for brains. .My birth control device.
What, you mean that your...
Baby factory's open .for business.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! I want a boy!
Or a little girl! .Definitely one or the other!
Oh! And I want our kid .to have only one name.
Like Cher or Todd.
You gotta pump a baby .in me first, cowboy.
Yes, I do.
Let's watch some porn .and show that bed who's boss.
Let's do that.
♪ Papa... ♪
♪ Can you hear me? ♪
♪ Papa, can you see me? ♪
Does this song .sound familiar to you?
May.
Connor, if it's a boy. .May, if it's a girl.
So weird.
Family was always .an F-word to me.
My pile of shit father .took off and bailed.
I mean, it's not like I have .a lot of strong role models
to draw off of for Todd.
Hey. Look at me.
You are not your father.
Besides...
I will never, ever .let our child be named Todd.
But here's the thing,
isn't that how .it always works?
Like in Star Wars,
men are destined .to become their father...
and then have consensual sex .with their sister?
I think you missed .big, big chunks of that movie.
No, I'm pretty sure .Luke nailed her.
Baby, that's Empire.
The point is, kids...
they give us a chance .to be better than we are.
Better than we used to be.
You're a lot smarter .than I look.
I'm gonna go make dessert.
You get the strap-on. .Let's make a super baby.
Pretty sure it doesn't work .that way, but we can try.
What about Krystal? .But with a "K"?
It's too stripper-y.
Kevin with a "K"!
No, too stripper-y, too.
Uh, Earl!
He's gonna go straight to jail
if we name him Earl.
What about Bruce?
No.
Get down.
What?
Baby? Baby?
I'm okay.
Thank God I didn't have to use .the cream cheese spreader.
Please.
Please. Please.
Baby, I'm so sorry.
No!
♪ Papa, can you hear me? ♪
Is it just me, or does
Do You Want to Build .a Snowman? from Frozen...
sound suspiciously like
Papa, Can You Hear Me? .from Yentl?
♪ Papa, can you hear me? ♪
And nobody .fucking realizes it.
Wade, you gotta go home.
You've been sitting here .for three days, okay?
You smell like sauerkraut .left in the warm rain.
Like wet garbage .in hot urine.
You smell like .a dog ate kitty litter...
and then farted his way .out of the living room.
I mean, like Rush Limbaugh's
couch cushions .after Shark Week.
I love Frozen.
I loved her. I loved her .like an ocean loves water.
An ocean is water.
More importantly, I liked her. .I really liked her, you know?
George Michael was right.
I'm never gonna .dance again. Fuck!
He's dead, too.
At least we still have Bowie.
Oh, Mr. Pool. .David Bowie is...
Uh, uh, uh...
still with us.
We do. .We'll always have Bowie.
I'm sorry.
Shot after shot,
it's not gonna change the fact .that I think you're...
Are you pissing? .Are you urinating right now?
You're making the face that .you make when you urinate.
Is he pissing? I'm on it!
There you go, Dopinder.
If you want to be .a contract killer...
you gotta handle a mop .before you handle a gun.
Although I don't .quite understand
how they are at all similar.
'Cause I could shove either .one up your ass and kill you.
Now, leave me.
I get it.
Go home, Wade.
I don't have a home, .Weas, you know. I got a...
Okay, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
You know what "fine" .stands for, Wade?
Fucked up, insecure, .needy, and emotional.
According to the...
Kubler-Ross.Yeah.
According to .the Kubler-Ross model...
denial is just one of .the five stages of grief.
Jesus Christ, Buck!
No more speaking lines .for you.
Hey, bud. Bud.
- Huh? .- Got a match?
Match?
Yes, I have one right here.
Don't make a move. .This is a stick-up.
- What? .- You heard me.
Mister, Mister, .put down that gun.
Shut up. Now, come on. .Your money or your life?
Look, bud. I said, ."Your money or your life."
"I'm thinking it over!"
Motherfuck!
Fuck!
The hell you doin' here?
Don't you know how to knock?
I thought you saw me...
with your ears.
You're lucky I didn't .shoot you in the...
The wall?
The refrigerator? .I'm in so much pain.
I heard the news, .sweetie.
I'm very sorry. I am.
What am I gonna do, Al?
Probably something terrible.
Knowing you.
It was my fault.
I fucking did this.
And all I wanna do .is grab her and see her
and tell her that I'm sorry, .and I can't.
She's gone.
Sweetheart, .can you speak up?
It's a little hard .to hear you
with that pity dick .in your mouth.
Now, look, sugar. .You need to just keep living.
Thank you...
Matthew McConaughey, .your words are a treasure.
Listen to the pain.
It's both history teacher .and fortune teller.
Pain teaches us .who we are, Wade.
Sometimes, it's so bad, .we feel like we're dying.
But we can't really live till .we've died a little, can we?
Wade?
Wade? I'm right here, Althea.
And that is .the most beautiful thing
I've ever heard.
And you're absolutely right.
I'm about to do .something terrible.
Precious, aren't they?
Whoa!
Are you a superhero?
Fucking A, sweetie.
What's your name?
Captain Delicious Pants.
Who's Captain Delicious Pants?
I can't believe .he's still alive.
I can't believe you left .the house in that shirt.
There's gotta be .some way to die.
I just need to die harder.
Trademark Fox.
Y'all caught up now?
Open for business.
Your crazy .matches my crazy.
I will never, ever .let our child be named Todd.
Skee-Ball token.
You're a lot smarter .than I look.
About why .we're so good together.
I love you, .Wade Wilson.
Ness?
Ness?
Ness.
Ness, there's something here. .I can't get to you.
Your heart's not .in the right place.
Wait, hold on. What?
Your heart's not .in the right place.
Wait. What do you mean
my heart's not in the right .place? What does it...
I'm terribly sorry .for your loss, Wade.
You're broken.
Oh, God. .I know that voice.
Well, Russell.
I hear you're handy .at picking locks.
There will be no need .for that here.
There's no locks on our doors, .no bars on our windows.
I know what you're thinking.
Why don't the kids just run?
Who would choose to stay .in such a place?
You stay because...
deep down inside, you know .you're unfit to leave.
Don't worry.
We can fix that.
Blessed are the wicked .who are healed by my hand.
"Heart's in the right place."
"Heart's in the right..." .What does that mean?
Take your mask off, Wade.
I wish you'd said "pants".
Let's play a game.
It's called ."Adrien Brody or Adam Brody?".
Now, close your eyes .and open your mouth.
You don't need .to be funny here.
We must talk.
You need fresh start.
Such a glare.
It's like I'm on stage .at the Gaiety.
With training, .you can be X-Man.
You're wasting your time, .Shiny Jesus.
I'm not X-Man material.
Understatement of the year.
Wade, Yukio.
Yukio, Wade.
What in the fuck knuckles .is this?
She's my girlfriend, .you intolerant shit.
Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, .Fox & Friends.
I'm just surprised .anyone would date you.
Especially Pinkie Pie .from My Little Pony.
I like this guy.
Give him a chance.
It's great seeing you .like this.
Yeah.
Bye, Wade!
Now, some ground rules .while under our roof.
"Rule number one. .No killing...
"anyone ever, .no matter how bad.
"Rule two. Label everything .in refrigerator."
Wade?
Wade?
Don't try to chase me. Wade!
I'm not ready .to be touched again.
All these old guys .on the wall.
Who lives here, .Calista Flockhart?
Those were already damaged .after they fell there!
What am I supposed .to do around here, anyway?
Sit in a share circle, .talk about my feelings?
And how would I .do that exactly?
'Cause where the fuck .is everyone?
It's always just you
and Negasonic Teenage .Longest Name Ever...
Enough!
I said no touching!
What the fuck?
You'd think the studio .would throw us a bone.
One that doesn't end up .in my mouth.
The first movie .made more money
than the guy .who invented pants.
They can't just dust off .one of the famous X-Men?
How 'bout that putz .with the giant pigeon wings?
What do those do anyway, huh?
Carry him .three feet off the ground
to snatch up .the nearest muffin crumb?
No, no, no!
I am not X-Man material .at all.
First off...
I'm not even a virgin. .Second and more...
I should have left you
in the self-pitying mess .I found you in.
But this is what friends do. .They show up!
Not when convenient or easy.
When hard, .and you always make it hard.
You are unwell.
I'm sticking my neck out .bringing you here.
Wait. .One of the assholes
who killed Vanessa got away.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
I thought you were gonna .kiss me for a second there.
Please know I wouldn't be .able to stop you if you did.
Wade, whoever they are...
we track them down .and bring them to justice.
It was me.
I'm the asshole who got away.
I killed every last one .of them, except me.
Couldn't kill me.
We were gonna start a family.
We were, uh...
We were gonna be a family.
Wade...
Vanessa is gone. .She's not coming back.
This may not be .family you want...
but it's family you need.
You have a good heart.
It belongs here .where it can grow.
What did you say?
About my heart?
I think .I'm in the right place.
I'mma tell you .what the big lie is.
Toilet paper.
What's so bad .about toilet paper?
Gets the job done.
Does it really .get the job done?
All right. Say you wake up .tomorrow morning...
and, hypothetically, find some .fresh shit on your face.
Your cheek, maybe .a little bit in the beard.
What the hell? .I'm about to be fucking sick!
What do you do?
Do you go to a bathroom
and tear off .a piece of dry tissue...
and rub it around .on your beard a little bit
and then go on, .get on with your day?
Go to church, .maybe dinner and a movie,
like nothing happened?
Where is this .coming from, man?
But something did happen.
Your face smells like shit. .Right?
So what you would do,
is you would get some soap, .you'd get some hot water...
and you would scrub .the fucking shit
out of your beard .for 10 straight minutes.
You could not .scrub it enough.
Are you trying .to make me feel disgusting?
I'm starting to feel...
Toilet paper is .a pretty fine appetizer.
But, then...
Huggies Natural Care .wet wipes.
That's your main course.
They're soft, they're moist. .They're for babies.
Finally, one more pass .with toilet paper,
maybe clear out .that excess moisture.
Maybe treat yourself .to a blow and go,
if you can get you .a hair dryer.
Just about 30 seconds .would do you good.
The fuck?
Year.
What?
What year is it?
What kind of dumbass question .is that to ask?
We have 8 weeks of .boot camp ahead of us, men.
That'll get us .toned and prepared
for all manner of combat.
Not working out at all.
Masking tape.
It is no friend .to chilled aluminum.
Velcro. .Color-coded, efficient,
environmentally friendly.
Who is he talking to?
And why is he dressed like .a registered sex offender?
Can we focus .for a moment, ladies?
Please, we need to talk about .next month's meal plan.
Obviously, .everyone hated the ceviche.
I read the suggestion box.
I'm gonna stop you .right there.
I see through this weak act.
You may have fooled Colossus .with this nice guy shit...
but not me.
Don't be mean.
Back off, NTW.
No, no, no. Let her go.
Let her go, it's okay.
She has a right .to be skeptical.
Look at me. .I'm an easy target.
You know, historically,
mischief has been .my mistress...
so I understand, you know. .But I like to think...
that you guys have .really rubbed off on me.
I like to think that I've .rubbed off around you, too.
A lot.
And for the first time .in a long while...
I like me.
I accept your apology. I never apologized.
I was talking to your heart.
See? You're not .lost cause you thought.
I'm proud. You're everything .I knew you can be.
Thank you, Colossus.
Just trying to be .the world's best X-Man.
Sorry, X-Person.
Hmm. Something wrong .with the soap.
It's fine.
I just filled it. Give it .a few more pumps there.
Now, if you'll excuse me...
it's dust bunny season...
and I'm hunting wabbits.
Bye, Wade!
Fuck. .Fuck you.
No one is born perfect.
But you can be.
I know you're doing .what comes naturally.
You can't help yourself.
But you can.
It takes work, discipline...
and treatment.
Your abilities...
I know how seductive they are.
How powerful .they make you feel.
But you must learn .never to use them...
so they will never use you.
Please don't cry.
I'm going to help.
I'm gonna make you feel .what you should feel.
How you need to feel...
every time you're tempted .to act upon your urges.
Suck my mutant dick, .you four-eyed fuck.
Wade.
Wade!
Come in! .Hey, I was just doing
a little bit .of light reading here...
We have mission.
Well, you guys be .safe out there.
I'll be praying for you.
No, I want you to join.
I'm sorry, what?
You heard me.
Trust me, .that's a terrible idea.
I'm really not ready.
You are ready. I'm not.
Be at the X-Jet in five.
I can do thirty.
Now. I can do now.
Final offer.
Irene Merryweather, WHIT News.
Live here .at a breaking news situation
at the Essex House .for Mutant Rehabilitation.
A mutant boy .is appearing to have
some sort of an incident...
- with police here behind me. .- Get away from me!
There are two police vehicles .that are overturned.
There are open fires. Fuck off! Stay back!
A scene of .absolute chaos here.
Calm down.
I'll burn you! .You stay back!
Get away from me!
You wanna fucking die?
And it appears as if the X-Men .are arriving...
Scatter!
...with what appears .to be a trainee.
Everyone, calm down! .The pros are here. I...
We're the X-Men!
A dated metaphor for racism .in the '60s.
So, respect.
At ease, Officer.
What are you doing?
My job!
You're the one who said .I was ready,
and I frankly disagreed .with you.
But here we are, trying to .overcome our differences.
Like Beyonce says, "Please...
"Please, stop cheating on me."
Hey!
This is the fifth incident.
This kid needs to be .in the Ice Box, not here.
Russell belongs in our care.
Not in prison. .I assure you...
we have everything .under control.
Stay back! .I'll burn you!
Not getting a real
"under control" .vibe here, Marty.
It is Glen, isn't it? Daniel.
I'll ask the questions, .Miguel.
Let me talk to the kid.
You stay here with your weird, .secret sex lips.
You wanna die?
This kid's adorable.
I don't know why I packed .the hollow points.
I'll burn your balls off!
First day. .I'm so nervous!
Did you just say ."hollow points"?
Yeah, probably should've
brought a Super Soaker.
Hi, there!
Stay back .or Justin Bieber dies!
Justin Bieber. .He called you Justin Bieber.
Hold on! Wait, wait, wait!
Okay, let's not do .whatever that is.
Okay? Let's just talk!
It's Russell, right?
Firefist.Firefist.
Ooh, that's a great name. .Where does it burn?
Just the fist, or all the way .up to the elbow?
Definitely all .the way up to the elbow.
Come quietly, .or there will be trouble.
You stole that from Robocop! .That's from Robocop!
Just stand down!
You're embarrassing me. .Look, Fire...
Oh, my God! I can't say it! .I'm so sorry!
Oh, shit! .That fucking does it!
Put your hands .behind your knees
and get down .on your head! Now!
Wade! What was first rule?
Label everything .in the refrigerator!
Do not escalate! .Rules are meant to be broken!
That's the exact opposite
of what they're meant for!
Fuck! Fine!
I'll start from the beginning.
My name is Deadpool, .and I'm an X-Man.
Trainee! Shut it!
Look, I get it.
All right, you're scared.
Alone.
You got no family.
I didn't have .a family, either.
You live in this dump. .Guess what?
I used to live in a shithole .just like it.
But you know something?
A wise woman .once said to me...
"Speak up."
"I can't hear you with that .pity dick in your mouth."
Too much? I went too far.
That was effervescent.
Stay in school, kid.
Or don't. I didn't.
And I'm an X-Man.
Trainee.
Fuck it!
Superhero landing coming up!
Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck!
That is so not practical.
I could get used .to this X-Man shit.
Trainee!
Trainee!
Get a power restraint .on him. Now!
Calm down, squirt. .It's over. We got ya.
What's that do?
Power-dampening collar.
Shuts down .all mutant abilities.
You can't get it off. .Unless you've got a grenade.
Huh. Could've used .one of those in the first act.
Thank you!
That was absolutely thrilling.
True heroism in action.
We are in your debt.
We can take it from here.
Take me .to the Ice Box, please!
Anywhere's better than here.
Believe me, son,
you do not wanna go .to the Ice Box.
That place makes Hitler's anus .look like Waikiki.
Let's get you inside, .young man.
No, wait, wait. Wait.
You guys stay there.
Those guys hurt you?
Who?
Baldilocks? Jared Kushner?
Both of 'em?
Oh, fuck it.
Four or five moments!
I'm sorry?
Four or five moments!
That's all it takes .to be a hero.
People think .you wake up a hero...
brush your teeth a hero...
ejaculate into .a soap dispenser a hero.
But, no, being a hero .takes only a few moments!
A few moments...
doing the ugly stuff .no one else will do.
No!
Stand down! .Hold your fire!
Wade, what did you do? Colossus, no!
You were right, Wade. .You are not X-Men material.
No shit, Shiny Gandhi!
What was your first clue?
The hollow point .through that fuckhead's face?
That kid was abused!
- You can always tell! .- We have rules!
You are not judge, .jury or executioner!
Fuck your rules! .I fight for what's right!
And sometimes .you gotta fight dirty!
You let me down .for the last time, Wade.
Okay, .get these guys in the pod.
Take them to the Ice Box.
Hey, baby!
I wonder what gang .I'll be in.
Yeah!
- Is there, like, a Sorting Hat? .- Hi.
I've always seen myself as
more of .an East Coast Hufflepuff.
I've made a critical error .on my Airbnb reservation.
This is not what the website .looked like at all.
I love the decor though.
I had no idea .hopeless was a color.
Hard left, douchebag.
Please, after you.
Another disgusting minority .off the streets.
We'll sleep well tonight.
Let's get a bagel.
Nighty-night, .you annoying prick!
You're a long way .from your superpowers.
Yeah. Just a touch of cancer.
Not to worry, .we're old friends.
Fuck!
I wanted to be a superhero.
Always wanted .a real super suit.
What happened?
When was the last time you saw .a plus-sized superhero?
Never.
The industry discriminates.
Fuck superheroes.
The thing that .pisses me off the most...
I never stood up .for myself in there.
My whole life.
I've been waiting for someone .to come and save me.
Nobody's gonna sacrifice .anything for me.
I gotta start taking care .of myself.
I have a mission now.
The first thing I wanna do .when I get out of here...
burn the headmaster alive...
and then take a selfie .with his smoldering corpse.
Aw. That's, like, .my favorite part of the Bible.
I don't have .a sock puppet on me...
but what did he do to you?
Did he taste the rainbow?
I'd whisper it, .but Skittles would sue us.
Fucker hates mutants.
He tried to beat .the genes out of us.
Nothing worse than .a "pray the gay away" type guy.
Sick piece of shit.
Tomorrow, we'll find .the biggest guy in here...
and we'll make him our bitch!
What was that?
That is the biggest guy .in here.
Fun fact about the Ice Box...
though no one's ever seen it,
they keep a monster .in the basement.
Right next to a huge,
steaming bowl .of foreshadowing.
Look.
I can't protect you.
With this collar on,
my superpower .is just unbridled cancer.
Give me a bow and arrow, .I'm basically Hawkeye.
Now, if you'll excuse me...
I've got tumors to grow. .Vanessa awaits.
I'll start by making us .a shank.
Good listening. I stole that guard's pen...
and stashed it .in the old prison wallet,
if you know what I'm saying.
I really hope I don't know .what you're saying.
I know it's in there, .I just need to get it out.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
I can hear you .rummaging around in there.
Do they make Purell .for your ears?
And to update you
on the story reported earlier,
after a lengthy standoff
outside the Essex House .for Mutant Rehabilitation...
two mutants were arrested
and transported .to the Ice Box...
Entering repair mode.
...several .police cars were destroyed
and the X-Men were called in .to restore order.
Cells seven and nine
now off-limits .for medical personnel.
Cells seven and nine
now off-limits .for medical personnel.
Psst!
Don't do that.
What? Why are you .winking at me?
I got your back.
Oh, my God.
You're sick, .I gotta protect you.
Just leave me alone, kid.
Oh, great.
Well, hello there, new fish.
It's nice to see some .fresh faces around here.
I've done some .light catalog work...
but, really, modeling is just .a stepping stone to acting.
I was talking to him.Oh.
Have we met? .I can't place your mustache.
Black Tom Cassidy. White Wade Wilson.
What's your superpower? .Cultural appropriation?
You're supposed to be .the toughest cunt in here.
You don't look .like much to me.
First rule of the yard, .fuckface...
find the biggest guy .and make him your...
Second biggest guy.
The last thing I need .is more hepatitis.
Oh, it's slippery, too. .This table needs a wipe down!
Can we get a wipe down .on the table?
Kid, I think you picked .the wrong side.
No, I didn't! .He's my friend!
Zip it. We're not friends.
You're about to get .dick-slapped.
I had so much fun! .You were like...
And I was like, ."Take a seat, shit dick."
Just let me die in peace.
We make a great team!
Oh, God! We're not a team.
Why'd you say that back there? .We're friends, partners.
We're not partners .or friends.
This doesn't end with us .riding into the sunset.
It ends with me .dying of cancer...
and you winning the Ice Box .award for softest mouth.
There's only one person .in this world
that I care about, .and she's gone.
You wanna survive?
Stop trying to shank .the biggest guys in here...
and make friends with them.
Make friends with someone.
Anyone but me.
Maybe even Black Tim.
Black Evan, I don't know.
All I remember is .he was African-American.
System malfunctioning.
Cells 7, 12, 14, 27.
Back in your cells, you filthy .mutants! Get in there!
Cells 1, 3, 7, 8.
Searching.
Cell 04 located.
Door won't open!
On your fucking knees!
That was our cell.
What did I do to piss off .a grumpy old fucker
with a Winter Soldier arm?
Get away from me, kid!
Listen to me! Go!
Hello, Russell.
Who are you?
I'm Batman.
Ooh!
Oh. That's got some zip.
Don't feel bad. .Even I can't kill me.
Talk!
What kind of .spineless shit stick
tries to kill .a 14-year-old boy?
You might wanna start talking!
'Cause I got a long history of .firing at times like this!
The name's Cable.
I'm from the future. .Just walk away.
Oh!
So, you're from the future.
I have .three questions then.
One, is dubstep still a thing?
Two, do people still homebrew?
And three, .does Dopinder ever find love?
Dubstep's for pussies.
You're so dark!
Are you sure you're not .from the DC universe?
I love dubstep!
Is that a fanny pack?
I used to have one of those .in 1990-never.
Something to remember you by.
Give me that back! .That goes with me everywhere.
Like the memory .of your fucking fanny pack!
Why are you protecting .the kid?
I don't give a fuck .about him...
and his Are You My Mother? .complex!
What's this one do?
In every film, .there's a moment
when the hero .hits rock bottom.
InCool Runnings, .it was when John Candy's
prized bobsled broke.
InHuman Centipede, .it was when those people...
signed on to be in that movie.
But in this film, well...
you're looking at it.
On your fucking knees, mutant.
Rock...
meet bottom.
I love you, Wade Wilson.
Ness?
Hey, Ness!
Ness, can you let me in?
Please! Please.
Jesus.
You're not giving me .a lot of direction here.
I'm at the end of my rope.
Then I joined the X-Men.
I went to prison. I, uh...
Is it the kid?
Kids give us a chance to be .better than we used to be.
The kid!
That's exactly what she meant.
Your heart needs to be .in the right place.
I'm not gonna .abandon this kid.
He's never had anyone, ever.
I need to be selfless.
Yeah, but what does .that mean?
It means .I'm gonna save Russell.
Maybe I couldn't .save Vanessa...
but maybe I can save a robust .teenager from New Zealand.
Yeah, but what I mean is, .like, the world "selfless."
I literally don't know .what that means.
Jesus Christ.
Okay, look. .According to my guy, okay...
those muties .are being transferred
to a supermax, 80 miles away.
Great, I'll pick 'em off .along the way.
Hold your testicles there, .buddy, okay?
We're talking about .an armored convoy...
and a vicious super soldier .from the future...
that is looking to turn your .skull into a fuckable ashtray.
You know what we need to do?
We need to build .a fucking team.
We need 'em tough, .morally flexible...
and young enough .so they can carry
this franchise 10 to 12 years.
A team of .highly-skilled motherfuckers.
I'm talking about some .Ocean's 14shit. Rogue Two.
John Wick 3,but with .the original director.
My body is an .instrument of death.
Not now, Dopinder.
I could be of great use.
What's your superpower?
Courage. That's adorable.
Do you have the courage .to check and see...
if there are enough sanitary .napkins in the dispenser?
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry .you had to see that,
although I'm glad .you heard it.
All right, I'll put out .a call for resumes.
But we're not paying .medical or dental.
It's time to get back .on LinkedIn.
Attention, all inmates!
Transport to Cross Force .Maximum Security
Mutant Containment Facility...
will begin at 0800 hours.
Inspection of your cells .and out processing
will begin at 0600.
Oi.
What the fuck .do you want?
That's my fucking pudding.
Fuck your pudding! You like pudding?
Hello?
I know you're in there.
Must be hard .being the biggest guy in here.
Lonely at the top, eh?
They're moving us tomorrow.
Maybe I can get you .out of here.
And we can make .the whole world our bitch.
We need a secret code.
No, .that's stupid, Russell. Idiot.
We're a team.
We're like thugs, .we're like gangsters.
I'm like Tupac, .and you're like Ice Cube.
Supposedly, .she can rap, too.
Yeah.
I like that.
Terrific, .these are all terrific.
Meet Bedlam.
Cool name! Superpowers?
I can distort .electrical fields.
Including the one .inside your brain...
causing anxiety, confusion...
pain.
So, basically, .you're Dave Matthews.
We can use him.
I'm Zeitgeist.
Cool. I like it.
So you have the power
to put your finger .on the pulse of society?
No.
No, I spit acidic vomit.
Oh.Do you want me
to demonstrate? DEADPOOL: No!
We'll take .your word for it.
Thank you. Yeah. Listen, .we've all eaten at Arby's, okay?
And this is the Vanisher.
But...
Vanisher!
Nice! Right?
He's not here, is he?
He may be running late.
My name's Rusty, .but I go by Shatterstar.
That's good, yeah.
"Rusty" is terrible.Toughie.
So, uh, where are you from? .The planet Mojo World.
So you're an alien, I guess. Bad name.
How does that, uh, help us?
I'm basically better .than you at everything.
Just once, I'm gonna find .a planet of people
that are worse than me .at everything.
A whole bunch .of functional idiots.
I'm gonna go there, and I'm .gonna be their Superman.
Isn't that Canada?
You shut your .goddamn trash mouth!
Meet... Domino.
What's your shtick? I'm lucky.
That's not a superpower.
Yeah, it is. No, it isn't.
Yes, it is. No, it isn't.
Yeah, it is. No, it isn't.
Yes, it is. No, it isn't.
Yeah, it is. Really isn't.
No, it isn't.Yes, it is.
Told you.
Get out of my head!
I'm not in your head.
I'm in an .11-year-old's bedroom.
Well, if you're so lucky,
then what are you .doing here with us?
I don't know yet.
What's that supposed to mean?
There's a reason why I'm here, .and I'll know when I know.
Everything usually .just kind of works out for me.
Like 2008 Ryan Reynolds.
I don't know who that is.
You're hired.
Lucky me.
I like her!
And last, but not least...
Peter.
Am I getting .catfished here or...?
Any powers you wanna .tell us about?
No.
I don't have one.
Um, I just saw the ad.
No superpowers at all?
Uh, I have both .Type 1 and 2 Diabetes.
Ow! Oh!
That's all the diabetes.
Right? .Yeah, you got 'em all.
If you find a Type 3, .let us know.
Yeah.
You're in.
Yeah. Fuck!
It's fulfilling work.
Let's go!
This is Convoy 17 .departing the Ice Box.
We are en route.
Peacetime makes people soft.
I was born into war.
Bred into it.
Okay.
What's the most pain .you've ever felt?
These restraints are pretty...
People think .they understand pain.
They have no concept of it
beyond their own .worst experience.
5 years old. That's what?
A bee sting.
Oh, yeah.
20 years old, shrapnel.
40 years old, disease.
Maybe the kind that leaves you .more machine than man.
Yeah, getting old's .not for sissies.
That's what my .Grandma Ginny used to...
I've got a list.
We're gonna work down it.
Together.
Number one, .I'm gonna bend something.
Something that was not .meant to bend.
I'm gonna .stop you right there
because I'm not gonna .make it to two.
I won't even .make it to one.
I don't do well with pain, .you know.
If I stub my toe, .I'm done for the day.
I cried when they .canceled Felicity.
When I get really scared, .I get nervous erections.
I have one right now.
Don't look. .It'll only make it worse.
I don't want you .to hurt me,
and I'll tell you .anything you wanna know.
Except for where they are.
Russell's in a convoy .heading southbound
on Gerry Duggan Parkway.
The monster's with them. .I wouldn't fuck with him.
You all know the plan.
Intercept the convoy,
grab the boy. .But not inappropriately!
You know what,
I wouldn't fuck with .Deadpool either.
Because he's built a team. .He's unstoppable.
He has an ass pen. .He'll stab you with it.
Watch out for this guy, Cable!
He's very short, 5'11". .Not like in the comics.
And if we succeed, .we all go home early.
So if you go after .them, Cable, I warn you...
there's a wind advisory .in effect.
A little turbulent up here.
I don't know much .about this Cable fella...
but I guarantee .he hasn't killed
as many people .as melanoma has.
We're getting close!
As a former X-Man...
Trainee. Thank you, Bedlam.
I was always appalled .by the blatant sexism
in the group's name.
X-Men! Men!
The point is, our group .will be forward thinking.
Gender neutral.
From now on, .we'll be known as...
X-Force.
Isn't that .a little derivative?
I don't recall asking .your opinion, Peter!
That wasn't me.
Hang the laundry out .at 1,300 feet...
intercept the convoy, .and grab the boy.
Let's bring on .the carnage, baby!
Get me on the ground, .watch me go!
Yeah!
I can't wait to kill!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
I just wanna say .how proud I am of this team.
You know, .you guys look amazing!
Vanisher, I have no doubt .you look amazing too.
This is the family
that I've always dreamed .of having and I...
Ah, shit.
I just get a little choked up .sometimes.
I hate to interrupt, .but is anybody nervous
about the high winds?
Gary. My name's Peter.
I realize that you're .new to this, but relax.
You've been chosen .by a higher power.
Did he just call himself God? .I think he did.
I'd like to go home. And I'd like...
the McRib to be available .year round,
but sometimes dreams .don't come true.
I spent 10 years .in Special Forces.
You think we didn't .jump out of the plane
because of a light breeze?
You're in this shit now, .Mustache!
I'm only yelling .to impress the other guys.
I'd never let anything .happen to you, Sugarbear.
Leonard, hit it!
Go! Go! Go!
Let's get some!
Whoo!
Oh, yeah!
Convoy, 12 o'clock! .On my command!
Deploy! Oh, hey now!
Whoa!
Little off course here.
Holy mommy fucking shit!
Ah, there they are.
Look at these gorgeous .sons of bitches.
Oh, yeah! .That's right, Bedlam!
No! Tripping .motherfucking billies!
Shatterstar. .Okay, you got this.
Left!
Left!
You'd have to be insane .to take off in this.
No, stage left, you idiot!
Well, I guess .we found something
you're not better at.
Vanisher.
Maybe the wind can't blow .what it can't see.
Oh! Really?
All right, .we could do this with four.
Sugarbear. .You got this, buddy!
That's the stuff! .That's the X-Force spirit!
Never underestimate .a man with a mustache!
Just ask anyone in Brooklyn.
We did it!
You're a goddamn .superhero, you!
X-Force!
X-Force.
Oh!
Peter.
I got you, buddy!
You're gonna be fine! .This is not good, man!
You got this, big guy! .Here we go, Peter!
Look at me. .We're X-Force, right?
Yeah, we're X-Force. We're X-Force.
Oh, my God! .What the fuck?
Fucking acidic vomit!
Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up .in my mask.
Okay, .I'm over the convoy.
Where did the rest .of the team land?
Good news and bad news.
Bad news is .the whole team is dead.
The good news is,
I don't think anyone's .gonna miss Shatterstar.
He was a bit of a prick. .Oh, but Paul!
Peter!
Peter, I'm gonna .miss him most.
But there is .a slight chance
Vanisher could make it.
Nope, no chance. He's dead.
The whole team?
Only the main ones. .We're still good.
Fuck, you are dumb.
Whoever planned this stunt's
been smoking .a lot jazz cabbage.
I'll tell you that much.
That's pretty obvious!
Looking good, Vanisher.
They're headed .into the tunnel.
I'm that kid's only hope,
so sit tight .and wait for my word.
Whatever.
We're gonna lose 'em. .I'm dropping in.
Uh, that's .a negative, sole survivor.
Luck is not a superpower! .We are so fucked!
No, we most certainly .are not fucked.
Seriously, .I don't get it!
What, you shoot luck lasers .out of your eyes?
It's just .it's hard to picture.
And certainly .not very cinematic.
I mean, luck?
What coked out, .glass pipe-sucking
freakshow comic book artist...
came up .with that little chestnut?
Probably a guy .who can't draw feet!
Once again, it all falls .on my shoulders.
It's why I'm cursed to be .a solo act.
Wander the Earth... I'm in.
I'm sorry, what did you say?
I'm in.
How in the fuck .are you in already?
Oh, shit.
It's Cable. 12 o'clock.
Okay.
New plan. Use all of your .imaginary powers
to stop Cable .from killing that kid.
I'm coming up on your six.
That gun is amazing!
Hey! .Asshole!
Where is he? .I can't see him.
He's on top of you.
He's tearing you open!
He's going in .through the back!
Oh, God, he's inside!
You hear yourself, right?
Accidental double entendres!
Russell! Russell Collins!
Hands off that kid, .John Connor!
No, no, no!
Shit!
Two can play that game!
Got it! No, I don't.
Showtime, mama!
Lady Luck, take the wheel.
I'd ask who you are, but .you'll be dead in a second.
I'm Domino, and doubtful.
Hang in there, Doms!
Oh, this is really hard.
And give me back .my Skee-Ball token.
You're doing great.X-Force.
I guess dubstep never dies.
Whoo!
You killed Black Tom, .you racist son of a bitch!
That's unfortunate.
We got no brakes!
Figure it out!
There's nothing I can't kill.
Well, as Scoutmaster Kevin .used to say...
"There's a first time .for everything, son."
Give me your best shot, .One-Eyed Willy.
Those bullets were, like, .super fast.
Here we go.
Domino, mind slowing us down?
Here goes nothing.
Knock, knock.
That's my boy.
Holy...
I'll be first to admit...
this did not go .according to plan.
I'll also be the first .to admit that
that plan was .written in crayon.
Looks like Russell found .a new friend. Jelly.
Turns out Domino's .a bit of a badass,
and maybe, .possibly mildly lucky.
But Cable? Ugh. .That guy's in a mood.
A mood that is
about to get .significantly worse.
Something is so terribly, .terribly wrong.
Oh.
Oh, God, that hurt.
Suck it, Mel Gibson.
Russell.
Russell!
Russ, where are ya?
Russell. Russell, you're okay!
Oh, thank God. .Oh, my God!
Juggernaut!
I thought that was you!
I should've worn .my white pants.
You probably get this a lot, .but I am a huge fan.
Uncanny X-Men183. Thor411.
X-Men Unlimited12.
You know, it has always been .a dream of mine...
to see my face .reflected in your helmet...
as you charge at me .with murderous intent.
I don't mean right now.
I'm gonna rip you .in half now.
That is such .a Juggernaut thing to say.
Oh, my God! .I can't feel my legs.
I can't feel...
Oh, no, they're right here.
Got 'em. .God, Russell.
I have a mission.
To get my revenge.
I'm going to burn .that headmaster alive.
You're not the revenge type.
Take it from a friend.
Friend? You were sick, .and I protected you.
You said it yourself.
"I'm not your friend. .Find someone stronger."
So I did.
Russell, I couldn't .protect you back then.
But I can now. What do you .want me to say, huh?
"I care about you"? .'Cause goddamn it,
I care about you, Russell.
What's Juggernaut got .that I don't have?
Don't you say legs! .I know you're gonna say legs!
Legs! Still hurts to hear out loud!
What is that? .That's not a real rope!
You get back here, young man!
Doms!
Doms, get me .out of here, please.
Use my arms .as backpack straps.
I think we may have found
your cosmic reason .for being here.
I'm pretty sure .this isn't it.
X-Force.
No child is hopeless.
Don't give up on the boy. .How could he just walk away?
It was the coldness .in his eyes.
You should've heard it.
I guess family .really is an F-word.
Rub my legs, Mama.
Why would I .rub your legs?
Please, they hurt. .I have growing pains.
What in the...
Why is your hand .so tiny again?
That's not my hand.
Oh! Mary, .mother of Joseph!
That was nice for me.
Wade! I heard what happened .with the convoy and...
Why wouldn't you .cover that up?
A warrior has nothing .to be ashamed of.
Yeah, but you do. .Look at you.
You're just .straight shirt-cocking it,
toddler-style.
Oh, yeah. .Full Winnie the Pooh.
The hell's happening? .Describe it.
I wouldn't ask him to do that, .if I were you.
It's like, um... Here we go.
It's like he was .giving birth anally,
but they quit halfway through.
They got the legs out, .and they said,
"You know what, I'm done."
Happy?
It's like he's a Muppet .from the waist down.
But this time, you can see
the Muppet's dick.
Grover's got a cock .the size of a twig.
Mr. Weasel, I can .no longer be double-parked.
I've had three tickets .already.
No, no, no, DP, .not again!
This has happened before?
Jesus! Either vomit or don't.
The indecision is killing me.
Why couldn't God .take my hearing?
Oh. Wow!
Cool your pits. .They're growing back.
I'm talking about your face.
I've never seen you .without your mask before.
Jesus Christ! Looks like an avocado.
Your legs, though, .they're cute.
You wanna borrow .a pair of pants?
I'm glad everybody dropped by.
You must be wondering .why I didn't call you here.
I'll tell you why I'm here.
"The Time Traveler's Wife's" .husband...
beat me within .an inch of my life.
He was torturing me!
But all I told him was .everything he wanted to know.
So, I'm here .to help us gear up.
So we can go after him .without me.
No!
I'm doing this alone.
The Juggernaut
will kill you all. Fair enough.
I just need a couple of .hours to get some legs
under me. What will you do?
I don't care .what the kid did to me.
I ain't letting Cable .get to him,
even if I have to .teabag him to death.
It's really just a sip of tea .at this point.
Zip it, black Black Widow! .I'm flowing.
The first order .of business is
to get me in front of Cable...
so I can pull all the fucking .blood out of his body...
and fashion his bones .into holiday jewelry.
Then, .I'm gonna take his skin...
and stretch it out .over a homemade mating drum.
He's standing right .behind you, isn't he?
What in the ass?
Is this apartment listed .on Tinder? Grindr?
You picked the wrong shithole .to fuck, future boy.
Ugh. Is that really necessary?
No. It's his ."Basic Instinct."
What can we help you with?
I'm here to proposition you.
Oh, boy!
He's really teeing it up, .isn't he?
Who gets to make .the first joke?
I think we should all do it .at the same time.
Good call.
For $45, you get sucky-suck.
I only do over .the pants, mouth stuff.
Fuck!
The Proposition .has a wonderful
Guy Pearce performance.
Wait, wait, wait! .I wanna do mine over.
Give us the line again. I need your help!
Trust me, I'm even less happy .about this than you are...
but you unleashed .the Juggernaut, you dumb cunt!
I can't bring him down alone.
So here we are.
We're no longer .accepting applications
for X-Force, unfortunately.
Even if we were...
there's a wind advisory .in effect until at least...
We don't have a lot of time.
Your friend's about .to make his first kill.
No offense, .but if you know so much...
why not travel back to when .he was a baby, kill him then?
Or better yet, head back .a little further,
kill baby Hitler.
I use a device .to slide through time.
The longer I travel, .the harder it is to control.
I got two charges: .one to get me here,
one to get me home.
Well.
That's just lazy writing.
Your boy's .gonna kill the headmaster
of the orphanage tonight.
After that, .he gets a real taste for it.
Like 10-year-old .Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker!
So he keeps killing...
and killing, and killing,
and killing.
Until one day, he kills .the wrong fucking people.
My people.
Relax.
I'm retrieving something .from my utility bag.
It's a goddamn fanny pack...
and you know it, .you sick son of a bitch!
The difference .is night and day.
You remind me of my wife.
I'm sorry.
I said, "You remind me .of my wife."
No, I'm sorry .that you said that...
while making heavy eye contact .and applying lip balm.
She always struggled.
But she was funny...
and filtered her pain .through the prism of humor.
Something I could .never master.
It was my fault she died.
It was my job .to stop people like him.
I came close a few times.
He wasn't too happy .about that.
He was trying to hurt me...
and he knew exactly .how to do it.
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand.
He came into my home...
and took the only thing .that made it a home.
Sound familiar?
I'm sorry.Uh-huh.
No, I'm really sorry.
But that isn't Russell.
It doesn't have to be him. .If you knew what I knew...
Yeah, he's got anger issues...
maybe a small .learning disability...
splash of diabetes...
but nothing .that can't be fixed.
If you could go back...
and stop the people that took .your girl, would you?
No.
I'd buy them all .a bouquet of hand jobs.
Of course I fucking would!
But I wouldn't kill a kid.
I'm not asking you .to kill a kid!
I'll kill the kid.
I'm asking you to save .hundreds of other kids.
Russell's gonna burn down .that orphanage.
And I can imagine .your dead girlfriend...
would want you to do .the right thing, wouldn't she?
So, what's it gonna be, .handsome?
Give me a chance to save him.
What? You said...
once he kills someone, .he gets a taste for it.
If we can get to him .before that happens...
promise you'll give me .a chance
to put him .on a different path.
Define "chance."
I don't know. .How long does it take
to save someone's soul? .That's not...
I'll give you 30 seconds.
What? No! Best I can do.
Take it or leave it.
He's doing it!
Look at the little fella. .He's doing it.
There he goes.
Jesus Christ!
Just shirt-cocking it.
Ugh.
There you go, little fella.
Go on, you're doing it!
My beautiful, hairless, .Twizzler-legged baby boy.
Christ!
That's disturbing.
30 seconds.
Deal.Deal.
Man, that sucks they didn't .have anything in your size.
I really wanted to match, .you know?
Being a menacing team.
Oh, man, it sucks.
That was some .cold-ass shit, kid.
And that is just .the first five steps
to a prostate-assisted orgasm.
Where the hell .are we going?
You said it yourself.
Nothing can stop the .Juggernaut. We need backup.
I will bathe in the blood .of your enemies.
Can you turn off the music?
You'll do no such thing.
Why don't you just say it .in an Indian accent?
I'm sorry? Apology accepted.
This is a side of you .I do not like.
Let me guess,
some of your best friends .in the future are Indian.
What the hell are you...?
Once again, intolerance rears .its ugly head.
I am so sorry. .It gets better.
I'm not a fucking racist, .moron!
That's precisely .what a racist would say.
I'm with the old white guy .on this one.
And that's a twist.
When this is over...
I'm going to fuck you to death .with your own broken feet.
And a sexual predator, too. .That's rich.
I should have .finished college.
So what exactly do you
do in the future, anyway, huh?
Some kind of soldier?
Yeah, something like that.
I was a soldier. .Special Forces.
I bet 50 years from now, .we're bestest buddies.
50 years from now, .you're very dead.
Your entire generation fucked .this planet into a coma.
Boom!
Spoiler alert.
Planets.
Next time, Uber.
Here's a spoiler alert.
You're not a fucking hero.
You're just an annoying clown .dressed up as a sex toy.
Well, I got news for you.
My heart .is in the right place.
Russell's not .gonna kill anyone.
Because of me, he's gonna know .what real love looks like.
We're all going to die.
Because of you, .I'll always know
what a grown man .with baby balls looks like.
I'm a grower, not a shower.
God, I wish this were a bus
where I could pull .the string and get out.
It's a good thing .Cable's not driving,
or you'd be in the back.
- I am in the back. .- Right here!
I made mistakes!
I wanna take them back!
You trusted me. .I took that trust...
and turned it .into a glory hole
in an airport bathroom.
The one in Minneapolis. .You know the one.
But even you know I'm not .a complete piece of shit.
I was once an X-Man.
Trainee!
You're still using .my Velcro labels. Aw.
They do stick better .than tape.
Hi, Wade!
Please don't.
Say whatever it is you're here .to say. Make it quick.
Right. Quick.
It's the kid. .Just like you, I let him down.
And just like me,
he's never had anyone .sacrifice anything for him...
because the whole world .wrote him off
as a piece of shit .a long time ago.
Look, he's teamed up .with the Juggernaut!
The Juggernaut!
Who's, like, my favorite .Marvel character ever...
And hi, Yukio! That was really .nice of you to say hi...
so I'm saying hi back.
You guys make .a super cute couple.
Yeah. Where was I?
Oh, yeah. You should never .meet your heroes...
because, honestly, .he's a bit of a dick!
And like a lot of dicks, .he's hard as a rock...
and causes nothing .but problems!
Look, you can stop the .Juggernaut. I know you can.
Do you know what would happen .to me if I helped you?
I would be disgraced.
You are a criminal, .a fugitive.
But worst of all...
you broke my heart, Wade.
Then you know what?
Your heart's in .the wrong place, big guy.
Doing the right thing .is sometimes messy...
and fucked up, and not .particularly convenient!
So stay here .in Chateau de Virgin...
while we go get our fuck on!
You're doing great.
So you wear .that helmet because
your brother .tries to read your mind?
Yeah, but he's in .a wheelchair, so even-steven.
Someone's coming. .It's Russell, sir.
And he's not alone.
Secure the children.
They will not replace us.
What do you say .we go fuck some shit up?
"Let's fuck some shit up" .is my legal middle name.
Watch my back. .I've got the old man.
Amen, brother.
Time to make the chimichangas.
30 seconds.
I finally know why I'm here.
I was raised in this place.
Well, not raised. .I was tortured.
Wow! It's your cosmic reason .for being here.
Shall we? This is gonna be fun.
Yeah!
Hey! Been meaning .to ask you...
what's with the dirty, .disgusting hobo bear?
It's not dirt. It's the blood .of my dead daughter.
Are You Bear, God? .It's Me, Margaret.
Give me some.
They say .laughter heals anything...
except, of course, that.
We should just cue the music.
Welcome home, Russell. .We missed you.
Russell!
You don't need to do this! .Let's talk!
Why are you dressed .like the Unabomber?
That's why!
Told you this little fucker's .too far gone.
Zip it, Thanos! .We have a deal and you fuck...
Hey!
I'm gonna shove that .cab driver right up your ass.
My body and my hands .are so soft.
You should probably .head back to the car.
I think I'll head .back to the car.
It works best .when you pull the trigger.
That gun is amazing!
Say it!
You are an abomination!
Now, I'm gonna shove .the red guy up the old guy.
I believe him! .Every man for themselves!
Gotcha!
Beat it, midget!
Hey, big guy, .the sun's getting real low!
Oh, shit fuck!
Come here, beautiful.
Whoo!
Say it!
You came for me.
I'm not giving up on you,
and you are not .giving up on that boy.
Who says that rules .aren't meant to be broken?
It's time to fight dirty.
Time to sweep the leg, Johnny.
Hey! Pick on someone .your own size!
That's such .a you thing to say!
Go get him, tiger!
Big CGI fight coming up!
He's doing great.
Say it!
- Russell. .- Bingo!
You see that bus?
I'm gonna .shove it up your ass.
That's right! .I'm fighting dirty!
Oh, great!
There they are! .Those freaks!
A bunch of armed .pedophiles in nursing shoes.
Can I have .one of those guns?
No.That's fine.
Get off this property, .mutant scum!
I'm just gonna .use this brick.
Maximum effort.
Who says you .can't go home again?
Oh!
Yeah!
Say it.
Say what you said .every time you tortured me!
Say it!
Blessed are the wicked .who are healed by my hand!
Blessed are the wicked...
who are healed...
by my hand.
You commie motherfucker!
Oh, my God. .Did you feel that, too?
Only best buddies .execute pedophiles together.
You got 30 seconds, .you jabbering butt plug!
Now we're getting it.
I need a bus .to get you all out of here.
Orphans.
Oh, geez.
It's time to burn .for what you've done!
A child should not be burdened .with such power!
Russell! Wait!
Oh!
Wait! He hasn't killed .anyone yet!
What more do you need to see? .Don't you fucking dare!
He's just a kid!
Tick, tock. Meter's running!
I'm gonna melt you down .and make a cock ring.
I told you! Leave me alone! Come on!
Listen to me!
That's how we do it
in Mother Russia.
They say millennials are .the hardest to reach.
Oh, no. .You're doing amazing.
Damn, it feels good .to be a gangsta!
Go home, Wade!
You're ruining everything!
I'm getting good at this shit.
Go, go, go!
He dies tonight, Wade.
You can't stop me!
He even runs .like a fucking pervert.
Like an online predator .who lost his laptop.
There's one bullet left .in that gun.
Wait, wait, wait! .Please, just give me a second!
I got this.
Russell! Stay back! Go home, Wade!
Let's talk. It doesn't .have to go this way!
That piece of shit...
he deserves to die .for what he did to you.
He hurt you badly. .Makes you wanna hurt others.
But if you kill him, he wins.
You become everything .he says you are, but worse.
You're just a kid.
You don't wanna hurt anyone.
How do you know what I want?
Because I've been inside you.
That came out wrong.
I've been inside your shoes.
Which is also off-putting.
It's not a great analogy.
The point is...
there are people...
There are people .in this fucking world...
besides him, .who will treat you right.
It isn't too late. .Don't do it.
I never should've left .you there.
I never should've left you .in that prison.
I can't trust you.
I can't trust anybody!
Wonderful kid.
You can't stop me, Wade!
I got one more idea.
It's just a really bad one, .even for me.
Wade, what are you doing?
All right. This is for .all the marbles, kid!
You're gonna kill .someone today...
Blessed are the wicked...
...then it's gotta be me.
...who are healed by my hand!
Fuck this!
Tell me they got that .in slow motion.
Oh, that's not good.
No, sir.
You sacrificed yourself .for me.
Yeah.
And it was the best thing .I ever did.
I told you .I care about you.
You're a good kid, Russell.
Hey.
The bear.
It worked.
Because of you.
No, Wade, because of you.
Stop, stop, stop!
Stop!
Just let it happen, okay?
I guess my heart was finally .in the right place.
That riddle .is so fucked up.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Don't be. Don't be.
I've been trying to make .this happen for a while.
Please, just don't leave me.
I don't wanna die .without an audience.
We are not going anywhere.
Oh, God, I hope .the Academy is watching.
Just rest, okay?
Papa.
♪ Papa, can you hear me? ♪
♪ Papa, can you find me .in the night? ♪
Before I go...
Sorry, I got a bit more in me.
Domino.
I want you to have .my Adventure Timewatch.
Turns out .that I'm the lucky one.
Thank you.
Hey, Sabrina, .the Teenage Witch.
I liked you better .with your hair short.
Think everyone did.
Hi, Yukio. Hi, Wade!
And you...
Chrome Bone.
I haven't always been .the best friend to you.
But you've always been .that to me.
So thank you.
Say "fuck" for me.
Just once. Come on,
we'll do it together. .It's no big deal.
Here we go. One, two, three. .F... F... F...
Fuck.
Wow! Enjoy hell, swamp mouth.
And you, Cable.
You get back to your family. .You tell 'em Wade says hi.
And promise me. .Promise me one thing.
That you'll start .judging people...
not by the color .of their skin,
but by the content .of their character.
- Jesus. .- R-Dog?
There you are. Hey!
You're a superhero now, bubba.
That's why it's high time .that you had a super suit.
This one is yours.
You might wanna .get it steam cleaned.
Especially around the pants.
And let it out .a little in the waist.
But, hey.
Look.
Family is not an F-word.
All right?
There's one out there .for you.
Just keep looking, okay?
Guys, for a second there...
we made a pretty good team.
Oh, it's so hard to go.
I just love being around .you guys so much.
So, so much.
Mmm.
No, I can feel it now. .Here it comes, yeah.
I feel the soul .exiting the husk.
Yeah.
Can you see it?
Do you see .that beautiful bright light?
There it is.
Oh, that's the sun.
Don't stare .directly into that.
I just have a few final words.
Woodpecker.
Gingivitis.
Codswallop.
Do You Want to .Build a Snowman?
Sorry I'm late.
There was a bunch
of handicapable children .who were stuck in a tree.
No.No.
But I did have to help a kid.Yeah.
He's got a terrible name. It's just awful.
Ugh. I tried to tell him.
Is this heaven?
It is now.
I am so sorry.
It's okay.
I missed you so much.
What is it? What's wrong?
It's not time.
What do you mean .it's not time?
I'm here, I made it.
You can't stay. No, no, no.
I'm staying. I'm not going .anywhere without you.
It's okay.
There's a time for us. .It's just not now.
They need you. Who?
Your F-word.
Why?
You'll find out.
It's all right. I'll be here.
It's pretty fucking .awesome over here.
I can have anything I want.
Can every day be .International Women's Day?
It is heaven.
I love you.
I know. I love you, too.
Now, go.
Go on. Go, get out of here.
Go.
Hey!
Kiss me .like you miss me, Red.
Well, come here.
Don't fuck Elvis.
Ooh, too late. I'm sorry?
Time to make the chimichangas.
30 seconds.
Hey. Been meaning .to ask you...
what's with the creepy, .dirty hobo bear?
It's my daughter's teddy bear.
Her name's Hope.
Well...
What are you doing?
Somebody swiped right.
Tell me they got that .in slow motion.
You sacrificed .yourself for me.
It would seem I...
Huh?
Genuine, high-grade lead.
You time-sliding .son of a bitch!
You did this for me?
Wait. You can't go back.
You used .the last of your fuel.
What about your girl, .your wife?
Now, my family's safe. .And I didn't do it for you.
No, I'm gonna stick around .for a while...
and make sure the world
doesn't shit itself .into oblivion.
No. You did it for me.
No, I didn't.
You did. I really didn't.
Pretty sure you did. .No, I'm positive I didn't.
Fine. All right, .let's flip a coin. Okay?
Heads, you did it for me. .Tails, you did it for me.
I'm not even gonna look, .because you did it for me.
Say it again.
He did it for me. CABLE: Jesus.
We must get the collar off. .Forget it. It's no use.
These collars .don't just come off.
Wade.
I have an idea.
No, no, no! .Let's not do that. Please!
I'd rather die of cancer. .Let's just...
Oh, God! They do say the pen .is grosser than the sword.
We need the code.
Try, uh, seven?
Settle down, .Captain Lucky.
It's not gonna be one number.
Oh, God, that's lazy writing.
I still got it.
Put that back .in your prison wallet.
I don't know how to thank you.
But I do know how to hug you.
No.Yes.
Here we go. Bring it in.
Come on.
Pelvis to pelvis.
Let's go tip to tip.
There we go. .The kids call this docking.
Is there a knife in my dick?
There's a knife in your dick. .I'm just gonna back up now.
Yeah, yeah. No need to go full Yentl.
Gonna pretend .like that never happened.
Let's go home, Russell.
All you dirty mutants
are gonna rot in hell .with the boy!
Your souls .are beyond redemption!
Let's see your soul, perv!
No, no! No! No more! .We're better than that!
We're better than him!
No more senseless violence! .No more bloodshed!
We'll let karma .take care of him.
The day of reckoning is here!
I'm gonna miss him. .He seemed great.
Whoo!
Courage, motherfuckers!
And karma, motherfucker.
I could hear you .coming the last 30 seconds.
I could barely keep .a straight face.
I want some more.
I bet you do, Brown Panther.
We should leave .before Fuckernaut wakes up.
Good call. .You guys coming with us?
No, we'll get the kids .back to the mansion.
Besides, we're X-Men.
No, you're X-People.
You're exhausting.
I see what you did there. .Puns.
Our door's always open.
That's kind, but .I'm not ready to date again.
Let alone two women.
God, you're a douche.
Bye, Wade! Bye, Yukio!
What do you get
when you take .eight feet of chrome...
one pinch of courage...
a cup of good luck...
a dab of racism...
a splash of diabetes...
and a wheelbarrow .full of stage four cancer?
Answer: a family.
See? I didn't lie .what kind of film this was.
If there's anything .you take away today...
other than the need to Google, ."What the fuck is dubstep?"...
it's that we all need .to belong to someone.
How something .so small generates
enough energy .to reverse time is...
Oh, just fix it, Eleven,
or I'll take it .to the Genius Bar.
Cable's gonna kill you .when he finds out.
Never heard of him.
Why do you think .I'm helping him?
The Lord works .in mysterious ways,
don't I? A good day.
Bye, Wade!
Bye, Yukio!
That was probably a bad idea.
What have we done?
I hope we sharpened .the cream cheese spreader.
I'll be right back!
We're definitely naming .our kid Cher!
Whoo!
Peter!
Whoo! X-Force!
Walk away! Just walk away!
But we're X-Force! Nope! We're not.
X-Force is just .a marketing tool
designed by Fox executives...
to keep Josh Brolin employed.
It doesn't exist.
All right, well, .this has been pretty scary!
And I need to feed my cat!
Go home, Sugarbear. Go home.
Okay. Will you give .Domino my email?
Wade, is that you?
I guess Stryker finally
figured out .how to shut you up.
Hey! It's me! .Don't scratch!
Just cleaning up .the timelines!
Look, eventually you're .going to hang up the claws...
and it's gonna make .a lot of people very sad.
Huh?
But one day, your old pal .Wade's gonna ask you...
to get back .in the saddle again.
And when he does, .say yes.
Oh, right.
Love you!
Goddamn, that's beautiful.
You're welcome, Canada.
Boy howdy.
Hi. This is a toughie.
Yeesh.
Oh, yes. You're already .practicing your salute, huh?
Yes, you are. Well, we'll .take care of that, won't we?
Jesus Christ! This is .so much harder than I thought.
Oh, I'm going to hell.
That makes two of us.
You can do this.
This is crazy. This is crazy. .This is crazy. This is crazy.
All right.
Maximum effort.
That's okay. .Let me see here.
Oh, God.
That's why you're .such a little bastard.
No one's ever changed you.
Yeah, you got a big, old .stinky in there, don't you?
God, it smells like .Hitler's anus...
which would makes sense, .wouldn't it? Yeah.
I think we both know
I don't have .what it takes to do this...
so I'm just gonna change .your diaper real quick...
and then I'm gonna come back .with my friend, Cable.
He loves killing kids.
This is the Asgardian
refugee vessel Statesman.
We are under assault.
I repeat, we are under assault.
The engines are dead, .life support failing.
Requesting aid .from any vessel within range.
We are 22 jump points .out of Asgard.
Our crew is made up .of Asgardian families.
We have very few soldiers here.
This is not a warcraft.
I repeat, this is not a warcraft.
Hear me and rejoice.
You have had the privilege
of being saved .by the Great Titan.
You may think .this is suffering.
No.
It is salvation.
Universal scales .tip toward balance
because of your sacrifice.
Smile.
For even in death,
you have become .Children of Thanos.
I know what it's like to lose.
To feel so desperately .that you're right...
yet to fail, nonetheless.
It's frightening.
Turns the legs to jelly.
But I ask you, to what end?
Dread it, run from it...
destiny arrives all the same.
And now, it's here.
Or should I say...
I am.
You talk too much.
The Tesseract.
Or your brother's head.
I assume you have .a preference.
Oh, I do.
Kill away.
All right, stop!
We don't have the Tesseract.
It was destroyed on Asgard.
You really are .the worst brother.
I assure you, brother...
the sun will shine .on us again.
Your optimism is misplaced, .Asgardian.
Well, for one thing, .I'm not Asgardian.
And for another...
we have a Hulk.
- Let him have his fun.
Allfathers...
let the dark magic flow .through me one last...
time.
That was a mistake.
No!
You're going to die for that.
Shh.
My humble personage...
bows before your grandeur.
No other being .has ever had the might...
nay, the nobility...
to wield not one, .but two Infinity Stones.
The universe lies .within your grasp.
There are two more stones .on Earth.
Find them, my children, .and bring them to me on Titan.
Father, .we will not fail you.
If I might interject.
If you're going to Earth, .you might want a guide.
I do have a bit of experience .in that arena.
If you consider .failure experience.
I consider .experience experience.
Almighty Thanos...
I, Loki, prince of Asgard...
Odinson...
the rightful king .of Jotunheim...
god of mischief...
do hereby pledge to you...
my undying fidelity.
Undying?
You should choose your words .more carefully.
You...
will never be...
a god.
No!
No resurrections this time.
No. Loki.
Seriously, .you don't have any money?
Attachment to the material is .detachment from the spiritual.
I'll tell the guys .at the deli.
Maybe they'll make you .a metaphysical ham on rye.
Oh. Wait, wait, wait. .I think I have 200.
Dollars?
- Rupees. .- Which is?
- Uh, buck and a half.
What do you want?
I wouldn't say no .to a tuna melt.
Thanos is coming.
He's coming.
Who?
Slow down, slow down. .I'll spell it out for you.
You're totally rambling.
-  No, I'm not. .-  You lost me.
Look, you know how .you're having a dream,
and in the dream .you gotta pee.
- Yeah. .- Okay.
And then you're like... ."Oh, my God.
there's no bathrooms. .What am I gonna do?
Oh! someone's watching. .Right.
Oh, I'm gonna .go in my pants."
And then you wake up .and in real life
you actually have to pee.
- Yes. .- Yeah.
- Okay. .- Everybody has that.
Right, that's the point .I'm trying to make.
Apropos of that, last night .I dreamt we had a kid.
It was so real.
We named him .after your eccentric uncle.
Uh, what was his name?
- Right. .- Morgan! Morgan.
- So you woke up... .- Naturally.
...and thought that we were...
- Expecting. .- Yeah.
- Yes? .- No.
I had a dream about it. .It was so real.
If you wanted to have a kid...
you wouldn't have done that.
I'm glad you brought this up, .'cause it's nothing.
It's just a housing unit .for nanoparticles.
You're not helping .your case, okay?
No, this is detachable. .It's not a...
You don't need that.
I know, I had the surgery.
I'm just .trying to protect us...
and future usses .and that's it.
Just in case there's a monster .in the closet.
- Instead of, you know... .- Shirts.
You know me so well.
- God. .- You finish all my sentences.
You should have shirts .in your closet.
Yeah.
You know what there should be? .No more surprises.
We're gonna have .a nice dinner tonight.
- Show off this Harry Winston.
Right? And we should have .no more surprises. Ever.
I should promise you.
- Yes. .- I will.
Thank you.
Tony Stark.
I'm Doctor Stephen Strange. .I need you to come with me.
Oh, uh, congratulations .on the wedding, by the way.
I'm sorry, you giving out .tickets to something?
We need your help.
It's not overselling it .to say that
the fate of the universe .is at stake.
And who's "we"?
Hey, Tony.
Bruce.
- Pepper. .- Hi.
- Oh. .- You okay?
At the dawn .of the universe,
there was nothing. Then...
Boom.
The Big Bang sent .six elemental crystals...
hurtling across .the virgin universe.
These Infinity Stones
each control an essential .aspect of existence.
Space.
Reality.
Power.
Soul.
Mind.
And Time.
Tell me his name again.
Thanos.
He's a plague, Tony.
He invades planets. .He takes what he wants.
He wipes out .half the population.
He sent Loki.
The attack on New York, .that's him.
This is it.
What's our timeline?
No telling. He has .the Power and Space Stones.
That already makes him
the strongest creature .in the whole universe.
If he gets his hands .on all six stones, Tony...
He could destroy life
on a scale .hitherto undreamt of.
Did you seriously just say ."hitherto undreamt of"?
Are you seriously leaning .on the Cauldron of the Cosmos?
- Is that what it is?
I'm going to allow that.
If Thanos needs all six, .why don't we just
stick this one down .a garbage disposal?
No can do.
We swore an oath to protect .the Time Stone with our lives.
And I swore off dairy...
but then Ben & Jerry's named .a flavor after me.
- Stark Raving Hazelnuts. .- Not bad.
A bit chalky.
A Hunk of Hulk of .Burning Fudge is our favorite.
- That's a thing? .- Whatever.
Point is, things change.
Our oath to protect .the Time Stone cannot change.
And this stone may be the best .chance we have against Thanos.
Yeah, so conversely,
it may also be .his best chance against us.
Well, if we don't do our jobs.
What is your job exactly?
Besides making .balloon animals.
Protecting your reality, .douchebag.
Okay, guys. Could we table .this discussion right now?
The fact is .we have this stone.
We know where it is.
Vision is out there somewhere .with the Mind Stone...
and we have to find him now.
Yeah, that's the thing.
What do you mean?
Two weeks ago, Vision turned .off his transponder.
He's offline.
- What? .- Yeah.
Tony, you lost .another super-bot?
I didn't lose him. He's more .than that. He's evolving.
Who could find Vision then?
Shit.
Probably Steve Rogers.
Oh, great.
Maybe.
But...
Call him.
It's not that easy.
God, we haven't caught up .in a spell, have we?
No.
The Avengers broke up. .We're toast.
Broke up?
Like a band? .Like... Like the Beatles?
Cap and I fell out hard.
We're not on speaking terms.
Tony, listen to me.
Thor's gone.
Thanos is coming.
It doesn't matter .who you're talking to or not.
Flip phone.
Say, Doc, you wouldn't .happen to be
moving your hair, would ya?
Not at the moment, no.
- You okay?
- Help him! .- Banner!
- Wong! Look alive! .- Go, go! We got it!
Friday, what am I looking at?
Not sure. .I'm working on it
Hey! You might wanna .put that Time Stone
in your back pocket, Doc!
Might wanna use it.
Ned, hey. I need you .to cause a distraction.
Holy shit.
We're all gonna die!
There's a spaceship!
- What's going on? .- Oh, my God!
What's the matter .with you kids?
You never seen .a spaceship before?
Friday, evac anyone .south of 43rd Street.
Notify first responders.
Will do.
Hear me and rejoice.
You are about to die
at the hands .of the Children of Thanos.
- Be thankful...
that your meaningless lives .are now contributing...
I'm sorry, .Earth is closed today.
You better pack it up .and get outta here.
Stonekeeper.
Does this chattering animal .speak for you?
Certainly not. .I speak for myself.
You're trespassing in .this city and on this planet.
He means get lost, Squidward.
He exhausts me.
- Bring me the stone.
Banner, you want a piece?
Mmm, no, not really.
But when do I ever get .what I want?
That's right.
Okay. Push!
It's been a while.
It's gonna be good .to have you, buddy.
Okay. Shh.
Let me just... I need to .concentrate here for a second.
Come on, come on, man.
- God!
Where's your guy?
I don't know. We've sorta .been having a thing.
- It's no time for a thing. .- I know.
That's the thing right there. .Let's go.
Dude, you're embarrassing me .in front of the wizards.
Tony, I'm sorry. .Either I can't or he won't.
It's okay.
Hey, stand down. .Keep an eye on him. Thank you.
- I have him. .- Damn it.
Where'd that come from?
It's nanotech.
You like it? .A little something I...
Doctor Banner, if the rest .of your green friend
won't be joining us...
Gotta get that stone .outta here, now.
It stays with me.
Exactly. Bye.
Tony, you okay?
- How we doing? Good? Bad? .- Really, really good.
Really good. .Do you plan on helping out?
I'm trying. He won't come out.
Hammer.
Come on, Hulk! .What are you doing to me?
Come out! Come out! Come out!
No!
What do you mean, "no"?
Hey, man. .What's up, Mr. Stark?
- Kid, where'd you come from? .- A field trip to MoMA.
Uh, what is this guy's .problem, Mr. Stark?
Uh, he's from space.
He came here to steal .a necklace from a wizard.
Your powers are quaint.
You must be popular .with children.
It's a simple spell .but quite unbreakable.
Then I'll take it .off your corpse.
You'll find removing a .dead man's spell troublesome.
You'll only wish .you were dead.
No!
Kid, .that's the wizard. Get on it.
On it!
Not cool.
Gotcha!
Wait!
Uh, Mr. Stark, .I'm being beamed up.
Hang on, kid.
- Oh!
Ugh.
Wong, you're invited .to my wedding.
Give me a little juice, .Friday.
Unlock 17:A.
Pete, you gotta let go. .I'm gonna catch you.
But you said .save the wizard!
I can't breathe.
We're too high up. .You're running out of air.
Yeah. That makes sense.
Mr. Stark, it smells .like a new car in here!
Happy trails, kid.
Friday, send him home. .Yep.
Oh, come on!
Boss, incoming call .from Miss Potts.
Tony? Oh, my God.
Are you all right? .What's going on?
Yeah, I'm fine. .I just think
we might have to push .our 8:30 res.
Why?
Just 'cause .I'll probably
not make it back for a while.
Tell me .you're not on that ship.
Yeah.
God, no, please tell me .you're not on the ship.
Honey, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, .I don't know what to say.
Come back here, Tony. .I swear to God.
- Pep. .- Come back here right now.
Come back.
Boss, .we're losing her.
I'm going too.
Oh, my God!
I shoulda stayed on the bus.
Where you going?
The Time Stone's been taken.
The Sanctum remains unguarded.
What will you do?
I'm gonna make a call.
Sing it, Drax!
Why are we doing this again?
It's a distress signal, .Rocket.
Someone could be dying.
I get that, .but why are we doing it?
'Cause we're nice.
And maybe whoever it is
will give us a little .cheddar cheese for our effort.
- Which isn't the point. .- Which isn't the point.
I mean, .if he doesn't pony up...
We take his ship.
- Exactly! .- Bingo!
All right!
We are arriving.
All right, Guardians,
don't forget .this might be dangerous...
so let's put on .our mean faces.
Groot, put that .thing away, now.
I don't wanna tell you again.
- Groot.
I am Groot!
- Whoa! .- Language!
- Hey! .- Wow.
You got some .acorns on you, kid.
Ever since .you got a little sap,
you're a total d-hole.
Now, keep it up, and I'm gonna .smash that thing to pieces.
What happened?
Oh, my God.
Looks like .we're not getting paid.
Wipers! Wipers!
Get it off.
How the hell .is this dude still alive?
He is not a dude.
You're a dude.
This... This is a man.
A handsome, muscular man.
I'm muscular.
But who are you .kidding, Quill?
You're one sandwich .away from fat.
Yeah, right.
It's true, Quill. .You have put on weight.
What?
Gamora, do you think I'm...
He is anxious, angry.
He feels .tremendous loss and guilt.
It's like a pirate had a baby .with an angel.
Wow.
This is a real wake-up call .for me. Okay.
I'm gonna get a Bowflex. .I'm gonna commit.
I'm gonna get some dumbbells.
You know you can't .eat dumbbells, right?
It's like his muscles
are made .of Cotati metal fibers.
Stop massaging his muscles.
Wake him up.
Wake.
Who the hell are you guys?
The entire time I knew Thanos, .he only ever had one goal.
To bring balance .to the universe
by wiping out .half of all life.
He used to kill people .planet by planet,
massacre by massacre.
Including my own.
If he gets .all six Infinity Stones...
he can do it with the snap .of his fingers like this.
You seem to know .a great deal about Thanos.
Gamora .is the daughter of Thanos.
Your father killed my brother.
Oh, boy.
Stepfather, technically.
And she hates him .as much as you do.
Families can be tough.
Before my father died,
he told me .that I had a half-sister...
that he imprisoned in Hel.
And then she returned home .and stabbed me in the eye.
So I had to kill her.
That's life though, .isn't it, I guess.
Goes round and round and...
I feel your pain.
I feel your pain as well, .because...
I mean, .it's not a competition,
but I've been through a lot.
- My father killed my mother.
And then I had to kill .my father.
- That was hard.
Probably even harder .than having to kill a sister.
Plus, I came out with .both my eyes, which was...
I need a hammer, not a spoon.
How do I open this thing? .Is there some sort of, uh...
A four-digit code, maybe? .Maybe a birthdate.
- Uh, what are you doing? .- Taking your pod.
No, you're not.
You will not be taking .our pod today, sir.
Uh... Quill, are you making .your voice deeper?
- No. .- You are.
You're imitating the god-man. .It's weird.
No, I'm not.
He just did it again! .- This is my voice.
Are you mocking me?
- Are you mocking me? .- Stop it. You did it again.
He's trying to copy me.
I need you to stop doing that.
Enough! .- He's doing it first.
We need to stop Thanos.
Which means .we need to find out
where he's going next.
Knowhere.
He must be going somewhere.
No, no. Knowhere?
It's a place. .We've been there. It sucks.
- Excuse me, that's our food. .- Not anymore.
Thor, why would he .go to Knowhere?
Because for years...
the Reality Stone's been .safely stored there
with a man .called the Collector.
If it's with the .Collector, then it's not safe.
Only an idiot .would give that man a stone.
- Or a genius. .- How do you know...
he's not going .for one of the other stones?
There are six stones .out there.
Thanos already has .the Power Stone...
because he stole it last week .when he decimated Xandar.
He stole the Space Stone .from me...
when he destroyed my ship and .slaughtered half my people.
The Time and Mind Stones .are safe on Earth.
They're with the Avengers.
- The Avengers? .- Earth's mightiest heroes.
Like Kevin Bacon?
He may be on the team. .I don't know.
I haven't been there .in a while.
As for the Soul Stone, well, .no one's ever seen that.
No one even knows where it is.
Therefore Thanos can't get it.
Therefore he's going .to Knowhere.
Hence he'll be getting .the Reality Stone.
You're welcome.
Then we have to go .to Knowhere now.
Wrong. Where we have to go .is Nidavellir.
- That's a made-up word. .- All words are made up.
Nidavellir is real? Seriously?
That place is a legend.
They make the most powerful, .horrific weapons
to ever torment the universe.
I would very much like .to go there, please.
The rabbit is correct
and clearly the smartest .among you.
Rabbit?
Only Eitri the Dwarf can .make me the weapon I need.
I assume .you're the captain, sir.
You're very perceptive.
You seem like a noble leader.
Will you join me .on my quest to Nidavellir?
Let me just ask the captain. .Oh, wait a second, it's me!
- Yeah. I'll go. .- Wonderful!
Uh, except for that .I'm the captain.
Quiet.
- That's my backpack. .- Go sit down.
Look, this is my ship.
And I'm not goin' to...
Wait, what kinda weapon .are we talkin' about here?
The Thanos-killing kind.
Don't you think that we should .all have a weapon like that?
No. You simply lack .the strength to wield them.
Your bodies would crumble
as your minds collapsed .into madness.
Is it weird that I wanna do it .even more now?
Mmm, a little bit, yeah.
If we don't go to Knowhere
and Thanos retrieves .another stone...
he'll be too powerful to stop.
- He already is. .- I got it figured out.
We got two ships
and a large assortment .of morons.
So me and Groot will go .with the pirate angel here.
And the morons .will go to Knowhere
to try to stop Thanos.
- Cool? Cool. .- So cool.
For the record...
I know that .you're going with him
because it's where .Thanos isn't.
You know, you really shouldn't
talk that way .to your captain, Quill.
Come on, Groot.
Put that game down. .You'll rot your brain.
I bid you farewell .and good luck, morons.
Bye.
Vis?
Is it the stone again?
It's as if .it's speaking to me.
What does it say?
I don't... I don't know, .but something.
- Hey.
Tell me what you feel.
I just feel you.
So there's a 10:00 a.m. .to Glasgow...
which would give us more time .together before you went back.
What if .I miss that train?
There's an 11:00.
What if I missed .all the trains?
What if this time .I didn't go back?
But you gave Stark your word.
I'd rather give it to you.
Well, there are people who are .expecting me too, you know.
We both made promises.
Not to each other.
Wanda.
For two years, .we've stolen these moments...
trying to see .if this could work and...
I don't know.
You know what, I'm just .gonna speak for myself.
I think...
- It works. .- It works.
It works.
Stay.
Stay with me.
Or not. If I'm overstepping...
What are they?
What the stone .was warning me about.
I have to go.
No, Vision.
Vision, if that's true,
then maybe .going isn't the best idea.
Wanda, I...
- Vision!
The blade, .it stopped me from phasing.
- Is that even possible? .- It isn't supposed to be.
My systems are failing.
I'm beginning to think .we should have stayed in bed.
Vis!
Give up the stone, .and she lives.
Hands off.
Come on. Come on.
Come on, you gotta get up.
You gotta get up. .Come on. Hey.
Hey. We have to go.
Please. Please leave.
You asked me to stay.
- I'm staying. .- Please.
- Get up. .- I can't.
We don't wanna kill you, .but we will.
You'll never get .the chance again.
Can you stand?
Thank you, Captain.
Let's get you on the jet.
Now, I thought we had a deal.
Stay close, check in, .don't take any chances.
I'm sorry.
We just wanted time.
Where to, Cap?
Home.
We'll be safe. .We'll be safe.
Zehobereians.
Mother! Where's my mother?
Choose a side or die.
Mother!
One side .is a revelation...
the other an honor .known only to a few.
What's wrong, little one?
My mother. Where is my mother?
What's your name?
Gamora.
You're quite the fighter, .Gamora.
Come.
Let me help you.
Look.
Pretty, isn't it?
Perfectly balanced, .as all things should be.
Too much to one side .or the other...
Here. You try.
Now, go in peace .to meet your maker.
- Uh-uh.
Concentrate.
There. You've got it.
Gamora.
Do you know if these grenades
are the blow-off-your-junk .kind or the gas kind?
Because I was thinking about
hanging a couple .on my belt right here.
But I don't want to .if they're the...
I need to ask a favor.
Yeah, sure.
One way or another,
the path that we're on .leads to Thanos.
Which is what .the grenades are for.
Uh, I'm sorry. .What's the favor?
If things go wrong...
If Thanos gets me...
I want you to promise me...
you'll kill me.
What?
I know something he doesn't.
And if he finds it out,
the entire universe .could be at risk.
What do you know?
If I tell you, you'd know too.
If it's so important...
shouldn't I?
Only if you wanna die.
Why does somebody always .have to die in this scenario?
Just...
Trust me. .And possibly kill me.
I mean, I'd like to.
- I really would. But you...
Swear to me.
Swear to me on your mother.
Okay.
Okay.
- Oh. .- Dude.
How long have you been .standing there?
An hour.
An hour?
Are you serious?
I've mastered the ability
of standing .so incredibly still...
that I become .invisible to the eye.
Watch.
You're eating a zarg-nut.
But my movement...
was so slow...
that it's imperceptible.
Mmm, no.
I'm sure I'm invisible.
Hi, Drax.
Damn it.
This place looks deserted.
I'm reading movement .in the third quadrant.
Yep, .I'm picking that up too.
Let's put down right here.
I don't have it.
Everyone .in the galaxy knows
you'd sell your own brother...
if you thought it would add .even the slightest trinket...
to your pathetic collection.
I know you have .the Reality Stone, Tivan.
Giving it to me will spare you .a great deal of suffering.
I told you.
I sold it.
Why would I lie?
I imagine it's like .breathing for you.
Like suicide.
You do understand.
Not even you would surrender .something so precious.
I didn't know what it was.
Then you're more of a fool .than I took you for.
It's him.
Last chance, charlatan.
Where's the stone?
Today...
Drax. Drax.
...he pays for the deaths .of my wife and daughter.
Drax, wait.
Not yet, not yet, not yet.
Drax.
Drax, Drax, Drax. .Listen to me.
He doesn't have the stone yet.
If we get it, .then we can stop him.
We have to get .the stone first. Yeah.
No.
No. For Ovette, for Camaria.
Sleep.
Okay.
Gamora, Mantis, you go right.
The other right.
Why?
Why you, daughter?
That was quick.
Magnificent! Magnificent! .Magnificent!
Is that sadness .I sense in you, daughter?
In my heart, .I knew you still cared.
But one never knows for sure.
Reality is often .disappointing.
That is, it was.
Now...
reality can be .whatever I want.
You knew I'd come.
I counted on it.
There's something we need .to discuss, little one.
Thanos!
No!
Let her go, Grimace.
Peter.
I told you to go right.
Now? Really?
You let her go!
- Ah, the boyfriend.
No.
Like to think of myself
more as a Titan-killing, .long-term booty call.
- Let her go. .- Peter.
I'm gonna blow that nutsack .of a chin right off your face.
Not him.
You promised. You promised.
Oh, daughter.
You expect too much from him.
She's asked, hasn't she?
Do it.
Mmm.
- Do it!
I told you to go right.
I love you more than anything.
I love you too.
I like him.
Still no word from Vision?
Satellites lost him .somewhere over Edinburgh.
On a stolen Quinjet
with four of the world's .most wanted criminals.
You know they're .only criminals because
you've chosen to .call them that, right, sir?
My God, Rhodes.
Your talent for horseshit .rivals my own.
If it weren't .for those Accords,
Vision would've been .right here.
I remember your signature .on those papers, Colonel.
That's right.
And I'm pretty sure .I paid for that.
You have second thoughts?
Not anymore.
Mr. Secretary.
You got some nerve.
I'll give you that.
You could use .some of that right now.
The world's on fire.
And you think all is forgiven?
I'm not looking .for forgiveness.
And I'm way past .asking permission.
Earth just lost .her best defender.
So we're here to fight.
And if you wanna .stand in our way...
we'll fight you too.
Arrest them.
All over it.
That's a court-martial.
It's great to see you, Cap.
- You too, Rhodey.
Hey.
Wow. You guys...
really look like crap.
Must've been .a rough couple years.
Yeah, well, the hotels .weren't exactly five star.
Uh, I think .you look great.
Uh...
Yeah, I'm back.
Hi, Bruce.
Nat.
This is awkward.
So we gotta assume .they're coming back, right?
And they can clearly find us.
We need all hands on deck. .Where's Clint?
After the whole .Accords situation,
he and Scott took a deal. .It was too tough
on their families. .They're on house arrest.
- Who's Scott? .- Ant-Man.
There's an Ant-Man .and a Spider-Man?
Okay, look.
Thanos has the biggest army .in the universe...
and he is not gonna stop .until he gets...
Vision's stone.
Then we have to protect it.
No, we have to destroy it.
I've been giving .a good deal of thought
to this entity in my head.
About its nature.
But also its composition.
I think if it were exposed
to a sufficiently powerful .energy source...
something very similar to .its own signature, perhaps...
its molecular integrity .could fail.
Yeah, and you with it.
We're not having .this conversation.
Eliminating the stone .is the only way
to be certain that .Thanos can't get it.
That's too high a price.
Only you have .the power to pay it.
Thanos threatens .half the universe.
One life cannot stand .in the way of defeating him.
But it should.
We don't trade lives, Vision.
Captain, 70 years ago, .you laid down your life...
to save how many .millions of people?
Tell me, .why is this any different?
Because you might .have a choice.
Your mind is made up
of a complex construct .of overlays.
Jarvis, Ultron, .Tony, me, the stone.
All of them mixed together,
all of them .learning from one another.
You're saying Vision isn't .just the stone?
I'm saying that .if we take out the stone...
there's still a whole lot .of Vision left.
Perhaps the best parts.
Can we do that?
Not me, not here.
Well, .you better find someone
and somewhere fast.
Ross isn't just gonna .let you guys
have your old rooms back.
I know somewhere.
The Kingsguard
and the Dora Milaje .have been alerted.
And the Border Tribe?
Those that are left.
Send word .to the Jabari as well.
M'Baku likes a good fight.
And what of this one?
This one may be tired of war.
But the White Wolf .has rested long enough.
Where's the fight?
On its way.
In all the time .I've served Thanos...
I have never failed him.
If I were to reach .our rendezvous on Titan...
with the Time Stone .still attached
to your vaguely .irritating person...
there would be judgment.
Give me...
the stone.
Wow, you're a seriously
loyal piece of outerwear, .aren't you?
Yeah, uh, .speaking of loyalty...
What the...
- I know what you're gonna say. .- You should not be here.
- I was gonna go home. .- I don't wanna hear it.
But it was such a long way .down and I just thought
- about you on the way... .- And now I gotta hear it.
...and kinda stuck to the side .of the ship.
And this suit is ridiculously .intuitive, by the way.
God damn it.
So, if anything, it's kinda .your fault that I'm here.
- What did you just say? .- I take that back.
And now, I'm here in space.
Yeah, right where .I didn't want you to be.
This isn't Coney Island. .This isn't a field trip.
This is a one-way ticket.
You hear me? Don't pretend .you thought this through.
No, I did think this through.
You could not have possibly .thought this through.
You can't be a friendly .neighborhood Spider-Man...
if there's no neighborhood.
Okay, that didn't .really make sense,
but you know .what I'm trying to say.
Come on. We got a situation.
See him down there? .He's in trouble.
What's your plan?
- Go. .- Um...
Okay, okay... Uh...
Okay. Did you ever see .this really old movie, "Aliens?"
Painful, aren't they?
They were originally designed .for microsurgery.
- And any one of them...
could end your friend's life .in an instant.
I gotta tell you, .he's not really my friend.
Saving his life is more .of a professional courtesy.
You've saved nothing.
Your powers .are inconsequential
compared to mine.
Yeah, but the kid's .seen more movies.
Yes! Wait. .What are those?
Hey, .we haven't officially met.
Cool.
We gotta turn .this ship around.
Yeah, now he wants .to run. Great plan.
No, I want to protect .the stone.
And I want you .to thank me.
Now, go ahead. I'm listening.
For what? .Nearly blasting me into space?
Who just saved .your magical ass? Me.
I seriously don't know
how you fit your head .into that helmet.
Admit it, you should've .ducked out when I told you to.
I tried to bench you. .You refused.
Unlike everyone else in your .life, I don't work for you.
And due to that fact,
we're now .in a flying doughnut...
billions of miles from Earth .with no backup.
- I'm backup. .- No, you're a stowaway.
The adults are talking.
I'm sorry, I'm confused .as to the relationship here.
What is he, your ward?
No.
- I'm Peter, by the way. .- Doctor Strange.
Oh, you're using .our made-up names. Um...
I'm Spider-Man, then.
This ship is .self-correcting its course.
Thing's on autopilot.
Can we control it?
Fly us home?
- Stark? .- Yeah.
Can you get us home?
Yeah, I heard you.
I'm thinking I'm not .so sure we should.
Under no circumstances
can we bring .the Time Stone to Thanos.
I don't think .you quite understand
what's at stake here.
What? No. It's you .who doesn't understand...
that Thanos has been .inside my head for six years.
Since he sent an army .to New York
and now he's back.
And I don't know what to do.
So I'm not so sure
if it's a better plan to fight .him on our turf or his...
but you saw what they did, .what they can do.
At least on his turf, .he's not expecting it.
So I say we take .the fight to him.
Doctor.
Do you concur?
All right, Stark. .We go to him.
But you have to understand...
if it comes to saving you
or the kid .or the Time Stone...
I will not hesitate .to let either of you die.
I can't, because the universe .depends on it.
Nice. Good, moral compass.
We're straight.
All right, kid.
You're an Avenger now.
I thought .you might be hungry.
I always hated that chair.
So I've been told.
Even so, I'd hoped you'd .sit in it one day.
I hated this room.
This ship.
I hated my life.
You told me that too.
Every day.
For almost 20 years.
I was a child .when you took me.
I saved you.
No.
No. We were happy .on my home planet.
Going to bed hungry...
scrounging for scraps.
Your planet was .on the brink of collapse.
I'm the one who stopped that.
Do you know .what's happened since then?
The children born...
have known nothing but .full bellies and clear skies.
It's a paradise.
Because you murdered .half the planet.
A small price to pay .for salvation.
You're insane.
Little one, .it's a simple calculus.
This universe is finite, .its resources finite.
If life is left unchecked, .life will cease to exist.
It needs correction.
You don't know that!
I'm the only one .who knows that.
At least, I'm the only one .with the will to act on it.
For a time...
you had that same will...
as you fought by my side.
Daughter.
I'm not your daughter.
Everything I hate about myself .you taught me.
And, in doing so,
made you the fiercest woman .in the galaxy.
That's why I trusted you .to find the Soul Stone.
I'm sorry I disappointed you.
I am disappointed.
But not because .you didn't find it.
But because you did.
And you lied.
Nebula.
Don't do this.
Some time ago,
your sister snuck aboard .this ship to kill me.
Please don't do this.
And very nearly succeeded.
So I brought her here.
To talk.
Stop. Stop it.
I swear to you on my life.
I never found the Soul Stone.
Accessing memory files.
You know .what he's about to do.
He's finally ready, .and he's going for the stones.
- All of them. .- He can never get them all.
He will!
He can't, Nebula.
Because I found the map .to the Soul Stone...
and I burned it to ash. .I burned it.
You're strong.
Me.
You're generous.
Me.
But I never taught you to lie.
That's why .you're so bad at it.
Where is the Soul Stone?
Vormir!
The stone is on Vormir.
Show me.
I am Groot.
Tinkle in the cup.
We're not looking. .What's there to see?
What's a twig? Everybody's .seen a twig before.
I am Groot.
Tree, pour what's in the cup
out into space .and go in the cup again.
You speak Groot?
Yes, they taught it on Asgard. .It was an elective.
I am Groot.
You'll know when we're close.
Nidavellir's forge harnesses
the blazing power .of a neutron star.
It's the birthplace .of my hammer.
It's truly awesome.
Okay, time to be the captain.
So, dead brother, huh?
Yeah, that could be annoying.
Well, he's been dead before.
But, no, this time I think .it really might be true.
And you said .your sister and your dad?
Both dead.
But still got a mom, though?
Killed by a dark elf.
A best friend?
Stabbed through the heart.
You sure you're up to this .particular murder mission?
Absolutely.
Rage and vengeance, .anger, loss, regret...
they're all .tremendous motivators.
They really clear the mind.
So I'm good to go.
Yeah, but this Thanos .we're talkin' about...
he's the toughest there is.
- Well, he's never fought me. .- Yeah, he has.
He's never fought me twice.
And I'm getting a new hammer, .don't forget.
It better be some hammer.
You know, I'm 1,500 years old.
I've killed twice .as many enemies as that.
And every one of them .would've rather killed me,
but none succeeded.
I'm only alive .because fate wants me alive.
Thanos is just the latest .in a long line of bastards...
and he'll be the latest .to feel my vengeance.
Fate wills it so.
Mmm-hmm.
And what if you're wrong?
If I'm wrong, then...
what more could I lose?
I could lose a lot.
Me, personally, .I could lose a lot.
Okay.
If fate does want you .to kill that crapsack...
you're gonna need more .than one stupid eyeball.
- What's this? .- What's it look like?
Some jerk lost a bet with me .on Contraxia.
He gave you his eye?
No, he gave me 100 credits.
I snuck into his room later .that night and stole his eye.
Thank you, sweet rabbit.
Hmm.
Huh?
Oh.
I would've washed that.
The only way I could sneak it .off Contraxia was up my...
Hey, we're here!
I don't think .this thing works.
Everything seems dark.
It ain't the eye.
Something's wrong.
The star's gone out.
And the rings are frozen.
I hope .these dwarves are better
at forging .than they are cleaning.
Maybe they realized .that they live
in a junk pile .in the middle of space.
This forge hasn't gone dark .in centuries.
You said Thanos .had a gauntlet, right?
Yes, why?
It look .anything like that?
I am Groot.
Go back to the pod.
Eitri, wait!
Stop!
Stop.
Thor?
What happened here?
You were supposed .to protect us.
Asgard was supposed .to protect us.
Asgard is destroyed.
Eitri, the glove. .What did you do?
300 dwarves .lived on this ring.
I thought if I did what .he asked, they'd be safe.
I made what he wanted.
A device capable of harnessing .the power of the stones.
Then he killed .everyone anyway.
All except me.
"Your life is yours," he said.
"But your hands .are mine alone."
Eitri, this isn't about .your hands.
Every weapon .you've ever designed,
every axe, hammer, sword...
it's all inside your head.
Now, I know it feels .like all hope is lost.
Trust me, I know.
But together, you and I, .we can kill Thanos.
Mantis, listen very carefully.
I need you .to meet me on Titan.
Hey, what's going on?
I think we're here.
I don't think this rig has .a self-park function.
Get your hand .inside the steering gimbal.
Close those around it.
- You understand? .- Yep, got it.
This was meant for .one big guy, so we gotta
- move at the same time. .- Okay, okay. Ready.
- We might wanna turn.
Turn! Turn! Turn!
You all right?
That was close.
I owe you one.
Let me just say, if aliens
wind up implanting eggs .in my chest or something...
and I eat one of you, .I'm sorry.
I do not want another .single pop culture reference
out of you for the rest .of the trip. You understand?
I'm trying to say .that something is coming.
Thanos!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Please don't .put your eggs in me!
- Stay down, clown.
Die, blanket of death!
Everybody stay where .you are. Chill the eff out.
I'm gonna ask you .this one time.
Where is Gamora?
Yeah. I'll do you one better. .Who's Gamora?
I'll do you one better. .Why is Gamora?
Tell me where the girl is .or I swear to you
I'm gonna French fry .this little freak.
Let's do it. You shoot my guy .and I'll blast him. Let's go!
Do it, Quill! I can take it.
- No, he can't take it! .- She's right. You can't.
Oh, yeah? You don't wanna tell .me where she is? That's fine.
I'll kill all three of you
and I'll beat it .out of Thanos myself.
Starting with you.
Wait, what, Thanos?
All right, let me ask you .this one time.
What master do you serve?
What master do I serve?
What am I supposed to say, ."Jesus"?
You're from Earth.
I'm not from Earth, .I'm from Missouri.
Yeah, that's on Earth, .dipshit.
What are you hassling us for?
So you're not .with Thanos?
With Thanos?
No, I'm here to kill Thanos.
He took my girl. .Wait, who are you?
- We're the Avengers, man. .- Oh.
You're the ones .Thor told us about.
You know Thor?
Yeah.
Tall guy, not that .good-looking, needed saving.
Where is he now?
This is the plan? We're gonna .hit him with a brick?
It's a mold.
A king's weapon.
Meant to be .the greatest in Asgard.
In theory, it could even .summon the Bifrost.
Did it have a name?
Stormbreaker.
That's a bit much.
So how do we make it?
You'll have to restart .the forge.
Awaken the heart .of a dying star.
Rabbit, fire up the pod.
The hell happened .to this planet?
It's eight degrees .off its axis.
Gravitational pull .is all over the place.
Yeah, we got one advantage. .He's coming to us.
We'll use it. .All right, I have a plan.
Or at least .the beginnings of one.
It's pretty simple. .We draw him in,
pin him down, .get what we need.
Definitely don't wanna .dance with this guy.
We just want the gauntlet.
- Are you yawning?
In the middle of this, while .I'm breaking it down? Huh?
Did you hear what I said?
I stopped listening after .you said, "We need a plan."
Okay, Mr. Clean .is on his own page.
See, "not winging it" .isn't really what they do.
Uh, what exactly .is it that they do?
Kick names, take ass.
Yeah, that's right.
All right, just get over here, .please.
Mr. Lord, can you get .your folks to circle up?
"Mr. Lord." Star-Lord is fine.
We gotta coalesce.
'Cause if all we come at him .with is a plucky attitude...
Dude, don't call us plucky.
We don't know what it means.
All right, we're optimistic, .yes. I like your plan.
Except it sucks, .so let me do the plan...
and that way .it might be really good.
Tell him about the dance-off .to save the universe.
- What dance-off? .- It's nothing.
Like in Footloose, the movie?
Exactly like Footloose.
Is it still the greatest movie .in history?
It never was.
Don't encourage this, .all right?
- Okay. .- We're getting no help
- from Flash Gordon here. .- Flash Gordon?
By the way, .that's a compliment.
Don't forget, I'm half human.
So that 50% of me .that's stupid...
that's 100% you.
Your math .is blowing my mind.
Excuse me.
But does your friend .often do that?
Strange, we all right?
You're back. You're all right.
- Hi. .- Hey, what was that?
I went forward in time .to view alternate futures.
To see all .the possible outcomes
of the coming conflict.
How many did you see?
14,000,605.
How many did we win?
One.
The stone .had better be up there.
For your sister's sake.
Welcome, Thanos, son of Alars.
Gamora, daughter of Thanos.
You know us?
It is my curse to know all .who journey here.
Where is the Soul Stone?
You should know...
it extracts a terrible price.
I am prepared.
We all think that at first.
We are all wrong.
How is it you know .this place so well?
A lifetime ago, .I, too, sought the stones.
I even held one in my hand.
But it cast me out, .banished me here.
Guiding others to a treasure .I cannot possess.
What you seek .lies in front of you.
As does what you fear.
What's this?
The price.
Soul holds a special place .among the Infinity Stones.
You might say it has .a certain wisdom.
Tell me what it needs.
To ensure that .whoever possesses it...
understands its power...
the stone demands a sacrifice.
Of what?
In order to take the stone,
you must lose .that which you love.
A soul...
for a soul.
All my life, .I dreamed of a day...
a moment...
when you got .what you deserved.
And I was always .so disappointed.
But now...
You kill and torture...
and you call it mercy.
The universe has judged you.
You asked it for a prize, .and it told you no.
You failed.
And do you wanna know why?
Because you love nothing.
No one.
No.
Really?
Tears?
They're not for him.
No.
This isn't love.
I ignored my destiny once.
I cannot do that again.
Even for you.
I'm sorry, little one.
No!
Drop to 2600, heading 0-3-0.
I hope you're right .about this.
Or we're gonna land .a lot faster than you want to.
When you said we were .going to open Wakanda
to the rest of the world...
this is not what I imagined.
And what did you imagine?
The Olympics.
Maybe even a Starbucks.
Should we bow?
Yeah, he's a king.
Seems like I'm always .thanking you for something.
- What are you doing?
Uh, we don't do that here.
So how big of an assault .should we expect?
Uh, sir, I think you should .expect quite a big assault.
How we looking?
You will have my Kingsguard,
the Border Tribe, .the Dora Milaje, and...
And a semi-stable .100-year-old man.
How you been, Buck?
Uh, not bad, .for the end of the world.
Whoa.
The structure is polymorphic.
Right, we had to attach .each neuron non-sequentially.
Why didn't you just reprogram
the synapses .to work collectively?
Because we didn't think of it.
I'm sure you did your best.
Can you do it?
Yes, but there are more than .two trillion neurons here.
One misalignment could cause .a cascade of circuit failures.
It will take time, brother.
How long?
As long as you can give me.
Something's entered .the atmosphere.
Hey, Cap, we got .a situation here.
God, I love this place.
Yeah, don't .start celebrating yet, guys.
We got more incoming .outside the dome.
It's too late.
We need to destroy .the stone now.
Vision, get your ass .back on the table.
We will hold them off.
Wanda, as soon as that stone's .out of his head...
you blow it to hell.
I will.
Evacuate the city. .Engage all defenses.
And get this man a shield.
I don't think
you get the scientifics here.
These rings are gigantic. .You wanna get them moving...
you're gonna need something .a lot bigger
to yank 'em loose.
- Leave that to me. .- Leave it to you?
Buddy, you're in space. .All you got is a rope and a...
Fire the engines!
More power, rabbit!
Well done, boy.
That's Nidavellir.
Damn it.
"Damn it"? What's "damn it"?
The mechanism .is crippled.
- What? .- With the iris closed,
I can't heat the metal.
How long will it take .to heat it?
A few minutes, .maybe more. Why?
I'm gonna hold it open.
That's suicide.
So is facing Thanos .without that axe.
How we looking, Bruce?
Yeah, I think .I'm getting the hang of it.
Wow! This is amazing, man.
It's like being the Hulk .without actually...
I'm okay. I'm okay.
I've got two heat signatures
breaking through .the tree line.
Thank you .for standing with us.
Where's your other friend?
You will pay for his life .with yours.
Thanos will have that stone.
That's not gonna happen.
You are in Wakanda now.
Thanos will have nothing .but dust and blood.
We have blood to spare.
They surrender?
Not exactly.
What the hell?
Looks like we pissed her off.
They're killing themselves.
You see the teeth .on those things?
All right, back up, Sam.
You're gonna get .your wings singed.
Cap, if these things .circle the perimeter
and get in behind us...
there's nothing .between them and Vision.
Then we better keep 'em .in front of us.
How do we do that?
We open the barrier.
On my signal, open North-West .Section Seventeen.
Requesting .confirmation, My King.
You said open the barrier?
On my signal.
This will be .the end of Wakanda.
Then it will be .the noblest ending in history.
Wakanda forever!
Now!
How much longer, Shuri?
I've barely begun, brother.
You might want to pick up .the pace
Allfathers, give me strength.
You understand, boy?
You're about to take .the full force of a star.
It'll kill you.
Only if I die.
Yes.
That's what killing you means.
Hold it! Hold it, Thor!
Thor! Say something. Come on.
Thor, you okay?
I think he's dying.
He needs the axe!
Where's the handle?
Tree, help me find the handle!
There's too many of 'em!
You guys .are so screwed now!
Bring me Thanos!
Oh, yeah.
You're much more of a Thanos.
I take it the Maw is dead.
This day .extracts a heavy toll.
Still, he accomplished .his mission.
You may regret that.
He brought you face-to-face
with the Master .of the Mystic Arts.
And where do you think .he brought you?
Let me guess. Your home?
It was.
And it was beautiful.
Titan was like most planets.
Too many mouths, .not enough to go around.
And when we faced extinction, .I offered a solution.
Genocide.
But random, dispassionate, .fair to rich and poor alike.
They called me a madman.
And what I predicted .came to pass.
Congratulations, .you're a prophet.
I'm a survivor.
Who wants to murder trillions.
With all six stones, I could .simply snap my fingers.
They would all cease to exist. .I call that mercy.
And then what?
I'd finally rest...
and watch the sun rise .on a grateful universe.
The hardest choices require .the strongest wills.
I think you'll find our will .equal to yours.
Our?
Piece of cake, Quill.
Yeah, if your goal .was to piss him off.
Boom!
- Don't let him close his fist.
Magic.
More magic.
Magic with a kick.
Magic with a...
- Insect!
Well, well.
You should've killed me.
It would've been .a waste of parts!
Where's Gamora?
Is he under? .Don't let up.
Be quick. He is very strong.
Parker, help! Get over here.
She can't hold him .much longer. Let's go.
We gotta open .his fingers to get it off.
I thought you'd be .hard to catch.
For the record, .this was my plan.
You're not so strong now, huh?
Where is Gamora?
My Gamora.
No, bullshit!
Where is she?
He is in anguish.
- Good.
He... He mourns.
What does .this monster have to mourn?
Gamora.
What?
He took her to Vormir.
He came back .with the Soul Stone.
But she didn't.
Okay, Quill, you gotta cool it .right now. You understand?
Don't, don't. Don't engage. .We almost got this off!
Tell me she's lying.
Asshole, .tell me you didn't do it!
I had to.
No, you didn't.
- No, you didn't.
- No, you didn't! .- Quill!
Hey, stop! .Hey, stop! Stop!
- Hey, stop! Stop!
It's coming, it's .coming. I got it, I got it!
Oh, God.
Come and get some, .space dogs!
Come on! Get some! Get some!
Come on! Get some!
- How much for the gun? .- Not for sale.
Okay. How much for the arm?
Oh, I'll get that arm.
New haircut?
Noticed you've copied .my beard.
By the way, this is .a friend of mine, Tree.
I am Groot.
I am Steve Rogers.
Fall back! Fall back, now!
Focus that fire .on the left flank, Sam.
I'm doing it.
Why was she up there .all this time?
She's on the field. Take it.
Guys, we got .a Vision situation here.
Somebody get to Vision!
- I got him! .- On my way.
He'll die alone. As will you.
She's not alone.
Oh, no, you don't.
This isn't gonna be .like New York, pal.
This suit's already kicked .the crap outta the Hulk.
What? No! No!
Guys! .Vision needs backup, now!
Hulk? Hulk,
I know you like making your .entrance at the last second.
Well, this is it, man. .This is the last, last second.
Hulk! Hulk!
Hulk!
No!
Oh, screw .you, you big, green asshole!
I'll do it myself!
Come on! Yeah!
- See ya!
Hulk, we got a lot .to figure out, pal.
I thought you were formidable, .machine.
But you're dying, .like any man.
Get outta here!
Go!
That was really gross.
I thought I told you to go.
We don't trade lives, Captain.
I got you. I got you.
I'm sorry I can't remember .anybody's names.
You're full of tricks, wizard.
Yet you never once used .your greatest weapon.
A fake.
You throw another moon at me, .and I'm gonna lose it.
Stark.
You know me?
I do.
You're not the only one .cursed with knowledge.
My only curse is you.
Come on!
All that for a drop of blood.
You have my respect, Stark.
When I'm done, half of .humanity will still be alive.
I hope they remember you.
Stop.
Spare his life...
and I will give you the stone.
No tricks.
Don't.
One to go.
Where is he?
Did we just lose?
Why would you do that?
We're in the endgame now.
Are you okay?
What? What is it?
He's here.
Everyone, on my position. .We have incoming.
What the hell?
Cap.
That's him.
Eyes up. Stay sharp.
Wanda.
It's time.
No.
They can't stop him, Wanda, .but we can.
Look at me.
You have the power .to destroy the stone.
Don't.
You must do it. Wanda, please.
We are out of time.
I can't.
Yes, you can.
You can.
If he gets the stone, .half the universe dies.
It's not fair.
It shouldn't be you, .but it is.
It's all right.
You could never hurt me.
I just feel you.
It's all right.
It's all right.
I love you.
I understand, my child.
Better than anyone.
You could never.
Today, I lost more .than you can know.
But now is no time to mourn.
Now is no time at all.
No!
I told you...
you'd die for that.
You should have...
You should...
You should have .gone for the head.
No!
Daughter?
Did you do it?
Yes.
What did it cost?
Everything.
What did you do?
What'd you do?
Where'd he go?
Thor.
Where'd he go?
Steve?
Up, General. Up!
This is no place to die.
I am Groot.
- Oh...
No, no, no!
Groot! No.
Sam!
Sam, where you at?
Something's happening.
Quill?
Steady, Quill.
Oh, man.
Tony.
There was no other way.
Mr. Stark?
I don't feel so good.
You're all right.
I don't... I don't know .what's happening.
I don't know...
I don't want to go.
I don't want to go, sir. .Please.
Please, I don't want to go. .I don't want to go.
I'm sorry.
He did it.
What is this? .What the hell is happening?
Oh, God.
Still no word .from Stark?
No, not yet.
We're watching every satellite
on both hemispheres, .but still nothing.
- What is it?
Multiple bogeys .over Wakanda.
Same energy signature .as New York?
Ten times bigger.
Tell Klein .we'll meet him at...
- Nick! Nick!
They okay?
There's no one here.
Call Control.
Code red.
Nick.
Hill.
Oh, no.
Mother...