From 8e039523a831306651b1073b192f185f3bbfb054 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: jamster3000 <148760154+Jamster3000@users.noreply.github.com> Date: Thu, 21 Nov 2024 11:41:24 +0000 Subject: [PATCH] Delete data directory --- data/amountOfQuestions.txt | 0 data/datasets/ER.csv | 2017 - data/datasets/ET.csv | 317 - data/datasets/SR.csv | 105 - data/datasets/advice.txt | 221 - data/datasets/facts.txt | 7301 ---- data/datasets/jokes.csv | 8742 ----- data/datasets/movie data.json | 41 - data/datasets/recipies.json | 16657 -------- data/datasets/rememberTrainingData.csv | 39 - data/datasets/responses.csv | 140 - data/datasets/riddles.csv | 388 - data/datasets/trivia.json | 47210 ----------------------- data/expected context.txt | 1 - data/last time used.txt | 1 - data/log.txt | 1026 - data/new user.txt | 1 - data/quiz difficulty.txt | 1 - data/tempFile.txt | 1 - data/user data.csv | 2 - data/user passcode.txt | 0 data/userRemember.csv | 1 - data/verison.txt | 1 - data/wiki links.txt | 1 - 24 files changed, 84214 deletions(-) delete mode 100644 data/amountOfQuestions.txt delete mode 100644 data/datasets/ER.csv delete mode 100644 data/datasets/ET.csv delete mode 100644 data/datasets/SR.csv delete mode 100644 data/datasets/advice.txt delete mode 100644 data/datasets/facts.txt delete mode 100644 data/datasets/jokes.csv delete mode 100644 data/datasets/movie data.json delete mode 100644 data/datasets/recipies.json delete mode 100644 data/datasets/rememberTrainingData.csv delete mode 100644 data/datasets/responses.csv delete mode 100644 data/datasets/riddles.csv delete mode 100644 data/datasets/trivia.json delete mode 100644 data/expected context.txt delete mode 100644 data/last time used.txt delete mode 100644 data/log.txt delete mode 100644 data/new user.txt delete mode 100644 data/quiz difficulty.txt delete mode 100644 data/tempFile.txt delete mode 100644 data/user data.csv delete mode 100644 data/user passcode.txt delete mode 100644 data/userRemember.csv delete mode 100644 data/verison.txt delete mode 100644 data/wiki links.txt diff --git a/data/amountOfQuestions.txt b/data/amountOfQuestions.txt deleted file mode 100644 index e69de29..0000000 diff --git a/data/datasets/ER.csv b/data/datasets/ER.csv deleted file mode 100644 index 1a2142f..0000000 --- a/data/datasets/ER.csv +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2017 +0,0 @@ -text,emotion -I have nothing to do right now,bored -bored,bored -I am so bored right now,bored -honestly I am bored right now,bored -I'm bored out of my mind,bored -I am very bored right now,bored -I feel like I'm going to die of bordem,bored -There's nothing to do,bored -right now I am feeling very hungry,unhappy -hungry,hungry -I am hungry,hungry -I am starving,hungry -I feel like I could eat a horse,hungry -I am okay but my sholder hurts,pain -to be honest I'm feeling sad right now,sad -I'm so happy right now,happy -im feeling quite sad and sorry for myself but ill snap out of it soon,sad -i feel like i am still looking at a blank canvas blank pieces of paper,sad -i feel like a faithful servant,love -i am just feeling cranky and blue,anger -i can have for a treat or if i am feeling festive,happy -i start to feel more appreciative of what god has done for me,happy -i am feeling more confident that we will be able to take care of this baby,happy -i feel incredibly lucky just to be able to talk to her,happy -i feel less keen about the army every day,happy -i feel dirty and ashamed for saying that,sad -i feel bitchy but not defeated yet,anger -i was dribbling on mums coffee table looking out of the window and feeling very happy,happy -i woke up often got up around am feeling pukey radiation and groggy,sad -i was feeling sentimental,sad -i walked out of there an hour and fifteen minutes later feeling like i had been beaten with a stick and then placed on the rack and stretched,sad -i never stop feeling thankful as to compare with others i considered myself lucky because i did not encounter ruthless pirates and i did not have to witness the slaughter of others,happy -i didn t feel abused and quite honestly it made my day a little better,sad -i know what it feels like he stressed glaring down at her as she squeezed more soap onto her sponge,anger -i also loved that you could really feel the desperation in these sequences and i especially liked the emotion between knight and squire as theyve been together in a similar fashion to batman and robin for a long time now,love -i had lunch with an old friend and it was nice but in general im not feeling energetic,happy -i just know to begin with i am going to feel shy about it,fear -i feel try to tell me im ungrateful tell me im basically the worst daughter sister in the world,sad -i feel that it is something that will never really be resolved,happy -i just feel like all my efforts are in vain and a waste of time,sad -i feel absolutely foolish for allowing myself to actually believe that this might be it for us the month weve been praying so hard for,sad -i waited for an eternity for it to download and now im remembering a day when i had to wait to go to walmart to buy a whole cd just to hear one song and feeling kinda dumb with my impatience,sad -i don t know if anybody will ever be able to feel how i feel or at least relate when everything is lost you find yourself missing and longing for it them,sad -i feel as if i am the beloved preparing herself for the wedding,happy -i would feel i missed out on a wealth of treasures if i did not read,sad -i finished the film i feel kind of regretful that i wasnt able to catch this on the big screen,sad -i feel like im caring about my body not in just an attempt to be the right size but to feel good and have a full life,love -i feel so damaged i just want you to have care of me continuer,sad -i have found in the past when i blog daily i have more to say and i get out my feelings and emotions in more creative ways,happy -i to candy factory it was clearly a tourist production line but it didn t feel unpleasant or hurried just well planned and professional an interesting and picturesque visit,sad -i feel that i m so pathetic and downright dumb to let people in let them toy with my feelings and then leaving me to clean up this pile of sadness inside me,sad -i am feeling very blessed today that they share such a close bond,happy -i constantly feel these fits of discontent,sad -ive been consumed by guilt and other feelings of discontent,sad -i feel like taking a whack at someone s eye and spitting on it a cranky old lady i try to cheer myself up,anger -i feel really special and important,happy -i sit the chicken preferably bone in chicken thighs skinless because i feel they have the most flavor in a crock pot so that it becomes tender and falls apart,love -i feel empty and i wait for new signs,sad -i honestly do not feel discouraged today as i usually do,sad -i only feel such an aching rush if im hearing it,sad -i feel mmf and i cant be bothered to fight it,anger -i cant sleep i switch on music if i need to wake up i switch on music if i feel morose music it is that comes to my rescue whenever i feel ecstatic the tunes are by my side if i want to meet my wild side hail music,sad -i feel so discontent with this decision,sad -i know it so difficult especially when you feel you have been wronged,anger -i see the starlight caress your hair no more feel the tender kisses we used to share i close my eyes and clearly my heart remembers a thousand good byes could never put out the embers,love -i hope i m proved wrong but i can t see the england u international hitting double figures next season and unless they invest in the rest of the team to provide him with service i feel they re doomed,sad -i could smell the chlorine feel my aching muscles see my portly mustached coach and prepubescent teammates and hear the whistles and hollers from the parents in the stands,sad -i have a feeling hes going to be way more successful than i am,happy -i love this song and it always makes me feel happy,happy -i everyone this will be a bit of a brief post as ive got a stinking cold at the moment and am feeling very very crappy but i have another page done on,sad -i feel a special draw toward and awed admiration for the firefighters who led the charge into the towers when everyone else was rushing out,happy -i didn t feel accepted,happy -i feel sometimes i am like heartless tin woodman sometimes like cowardly lion but i really want to believe there is a href http www,anger -i just feel discouraged because the industry is enormous what makes me special in a sea of pretty girls,sad -i appeared in his office stony expression back on my face prepared to sever ties with the man while feeling heartbroken at the prospect,sad -i suppose a couple days of not feeling so hot is better than whooping cough the visit went really well,love -i miss our talks our cuddling our kissing and the feelings that you can only share with your beloved,love -i feel energetic and excited to see my results at the end of the week,happy -i feel so shamed that i want to give up,sad -i feel perfect with you on facebook href http www,happy -i hope he will pull out the tissue paper himself but i feel like to him sunday will be just another day to be cute and wonderful,happy -i also feel it is unfortunate that nearly all the readers of going to meet the man will be african americans unlike myself,sad -i look and feel miserable,sad -i try to share what i bake with a lot of people is because i love people and i want them to feel loved,love -i feel very strange today,fear -i have no extra money im worried all of the time and i feel so beyond pathetic,sad -i have a feeling that was because we opted to shoot more photojournalistically and completely prop free which is a personal fave of mine,happy -i must say to get to this point where i feel nothing but just friendly feelings towards him takes alot of time,happy -i feel that this is important in itself the fact that we all have our own individual way of grieving,happy -i cant help to also feel a little restless,fear -i have a lot to learn i feel like people are supportive of me,love -i feel in perfect height or just height threads picture images,happy -i feel like im an unwelcome presence whenever she is around,sad -i can really decode but im sorry i have to vomit my feelings out because i am so cranky and everything is getting on my nerves,anger -i feel like ive been punished and i can turn it around and dont have anything to be afraid of,sad -i am feeling pretty guilty about posting pictures of some stray cat i cuddled on the street and not even posting pictures of my own two cats,sad -i was trying really hard to be a people pleaser and itd left me feeling so defeated,sad -i have a feeling there will be many sarcastic quotes in this and future posts about him yikes,anger -i feel so damn fucking disgusted violated and hurt and angry and everything,anger -i feel stressed or my family is being negative work is my getaway and every stressor goes away because of the kids,sad -i told her that i woke up feeling mad that i am a woman and that i am probably always going to have to worry about being raped,anger -i feel for you despite the bitterness and longing,love -i feel ecstatic and light as air,happy -i would lie in bed and feel it somehow sparkle and i knew that even if most meningiomas are benign mine was growing and needed to come out sooner rather than later,happy -i still feel like im getting away with something naughty,love -i didnt feel rushed,anger -i feel a tad bit envious of my younger self i was in great running shape young and had my whole life ahead of me,anger -i feel like the people i know are really generous and i have my needs met,happy -im feeling a bit out of my depth with my colouring skills amongst all this talent though so please be gentle with me,love -i feel like hes a little pissed at me,anger -i have gained some weight i feel very insecure in my self image,fear -i feel like i ve been having some issues with focus and exposure lately and i m not sure if it is my camera or me,happy -im feeling more fucked up than last night,anger -i can feel violent biff whole length is hit by thunder same desire fire is ignited very quickly,anger -i am reading something the saints have written i feel a real pang of sweet pain for the love they have for our lord,love -im not trying to sound sarcastic but only trying to make the point that amid the daily pressures of life as wife and mom we often may find ourselves feeling kind of unimportant or robotic if you will in carrying out our tasks,sad -im not crying in a corner or feeling so out of control irritable that i cant handle it,anger -im feeling nostalgic cant beat the corys iframe allowfullscreen allowfullscreen frameborder height src http www,love -i love the foamy feel it is so gentle on the skin doesnt sting or irritate whatsoever,love -i feel so stupid at how easily i cry these days,sad -i feel very privileged to watch such beautiful dancers move and call it work,happy -i feel cold in,anger -i really feel like damaged goods,sad -i feel the cool edge of the barrel against my head,happy -i do feel completely isolated,sad -i didnt feel all too devastated until i saw people running from the smoke and all,sad -i am still feeling good,happy -i saw lil seb i feel in love and thought he be perfect to carry around with me while i explore baltimore,happy -i feel awful still but really,sad -i always feel regretful a few weeks after,sad -i have personally experienced this gut wrenching feeling and kicked myself later for making those dumb mistakes that result when anxiety gets in the way,sad -i went from feeling helpless to powerful,sad -i am actually feeling a little triumphant watching this economic crisis unfold,happy -i want to without feeling too inhibited,sad -when i was doing research a few months ago,anger -i don t feel all that petty about crying over skin,anger -i feel insulted by saying real is bigger than man u real is a cows shit,anger -i love for my girls to have an imagination and read fair tales but i feel strongly that reality is also important,happy -i have heard that there are women out there whose pinterest experiences causes them to feel inadequate as mothers wives and friends,sad -i ahem guess i havent been feeling compassionate,love -i run a full computer scan with my avast antivirus it shows no viruses however i m still feeling kind of paranoid about these programs,fear -i for one am feeling a bit anxious at how long we are staying but i know we need to do this,fear -i am feeling pretty pleased with the amount of work trackchanges has allowed me to document,happy -im honest im surprised at myself for feeling so emotional about it all having adopted a rather juvenile sneer against heaney as a bored year old in school,sad -i knew there were a lot of hormonal things going on in my body too but the uncontrollable crying was still from feeling so uncertain about everything,fear -i feel as though im doomed to finding a man,sad -i really feel so lame today,sad -i feel like a graph doesnt show the data accurately enough to be useful,happy -i have a lot of feelings of love and warmth for her but sometimes i think i tortured her,anger -i and feel quite ungrateful for it but i m looking forward to summer and warmth and light nights,sad -i was feeling frightened to the core what if my friends laughed at me what if sir was too harsh what if,fear -i don t know why this makes me feel so distraught,fear -i feel such gratitude for the generous gifts we received on our wedding day over years ago,love -i feel like it will not be as good if i do it early,happy -i see her face i just think about the amazing journey that shes been on here with us and i feel so privileged to have been a part of it,happy -i was fond of but to whom i have remained quiet about my liking for them either because i am confused about my feeling or because i feel inadequate about myself,sad -im feeling truly adventurous ill go for a faux hawk of some sort,happy -im tired of feeling like damaged goods for being a victim,sad -i feel like im a gorgeous person,happy -i feel insulted as if he feels he doesn t have to work for my money anymore he can put out anything people will buy it and radio will find something to play just because its him,anger -i feel a funny mix of emotions,surprise -i will never forget as he shot the dye into me telling me ok youre going to feel a hot flash and then it will feel like youve pissed yourself,love -i shouldnt feel threatened by that,fear -ive been having more frequent hot flashes throughout the day sometimes and im starting to feel just a tender touch of achy pain in one spot in my back which i hope isnt another new bone tumor metastasis,love -i have more of an idea of what to expect how time consuming a newborn baby is how much they feed how they might disrupt your sleep the potential for feeling isolated how you have to scale back what you can reasonably expect to do in a day and so on,sad -i feel so much love for him and he is so supportive,love -i feel accepted by the boys,happy -i was sleeping when i heard the neighbours screaming,fear -i mean i feel like such a fucking obnoxious bitch admitting this but i get a lot of messages from guys on myspace during the week,anger -i will just say i feel emotionally calm and centered i just feel that as my self respect grows my desire for better things naturally progresses,happy -i often feel offended when people other fans think i name my son joshua as joshua in josh groban,anger -i really forgot how it feels to laugh sincerely and he is the one who make my sincere laughter come back,happy -im feeling a little dazed at the amount of items that i no longer use for decorations,surprise -i think my taiko experience so far has been at the root of my feeling dissatisfied and somewhat unhappy lately but theres just something else that i havent been able to explain,anger -i get the feeling that tyler is not very fond of the idea,love -i feel so incredibly hopeless about losing weight,sad -i didnt want to feel outcasted as the uptight religious mormon girl nor did i want to feel like i had to remind everyone i did not drink smoke or wear short dresses,fear -i suspect that it will really appeal to christian readers but as an atheist i ended up feeling insulted by its religious message and its treatment of the topic,anger -i viewed back the new year card that you presented me i can feel your sincere,happy -im tired or feeling a little shitty it always puts me in a better mood,sad -i have stayed at heritage christian because of the fulfillment that i feel in doing christ s work in action by being the hands the eyes the legs and the voice of supporting the individuals that i have been blessed to know and support,happy -i am just feeling overwhelmed and there is nothing i can do to fix it,surprise -i was looking at her and leaning a bit forward feeling really keen on to her,happy -i don t feel alarmed and wonder if i should,fear -i didn t feel frightened i m rarely scared of any place but i couldn t help feeling uneasy in the company of so many big groups of men and the only woman visible anywhere,fear -i begged her to come in the house with me when we got back and she did but left right away feeling distinctly unwelcome,sad -i really want people to read my blog s but i can t write anything interesting enough i just write what i m feeling and who wants to read that boring kind of thing,sad -id been feeling a bit funny all day verging on the kind of pre menstrual where you hate yourself so id been trying to take it really easy and just doing my own thing,surprise -i just feel really listless right now,sad -i expected to feel more but nope i dont and thats a pleasant surprise,happy -when going to the exam,fear -im feeling a little better and with more christmas spirit i thought that by this date id had all my christmas decorations up but im not finish even with the lights,happy -i started feeling a little vulnerable when the giant spotlight started blinding me,fear -im sure much of the advantage is psychological the feeling ive out clevered the competition who are now hopelessly burdened with their big chainring jump,sad -i am not a vegetarian and probably never will but i am feeling increasingly sympathetic towards those who are and towards the animals being slaughtered for our benefits,love -i recommend bacon for dinner if you want to feel like youre doing something naughty,love -i have arrived home feeling some remorse and a bit troubled,sad -i feel like waiting for you to be online and you didnt makes me furious,anger -i mean if someone wrote fanfiction about my book and made my villain gay for say druian i d be sitting there reading it and feeling furious,anger -i feel the cool water on my skin and the sun hugging me in warm comfort,happy -i feel anything internally i m convinced that i m feeling my last breath heartbeat burp whatever,happy -i have a feeling often and often that its dangerous to wait for things that if you wait for things they only go further and further away,anger -i feel like thats petty so i convince myself that i dont give a shit,anger -ive this bad feeling that im being hated,sad -i was going to tell you more about my trip to oregon but right now im not super feeling it and reading about other peoples vacations gets a little boring right,sad -i leave the meeting feeling more than a little disheartened,sad -i feel lucky really,happy -i could feel the muscles in my arches ankles and calves working to support my stride and i felt so much more graceful,happy -i feel better without it,happy -i was feeling pretty pleased with myself with the addition of two year birds and so i decided to walk around the fire station area which has produced good birds in the past,happy -i want people to have confidence that if they were in my chair they would leave looking and feeling amazing,happy -i also remember feeling like all eyes were on me all the time and not in a glamorous way and i hated it,happy -i think i just mostly feel uncertain,fear -i feel so cool like ice t huhwe neun gatda beoryeo priceless sesang ye ban bani namja neottaemune na ulji anha gucha hage neoreul jabgeo na mae dallil ireun jeoldae no,happy -i feel like ive been tortured in my sleep lately and im not quite sure why,fear -i feel invigorated full of energy ready for the day ahead,happy -i really have much of a clue how my ex actually feels or felt about anything really except that he hated it when i didnt screw the lids back on jars in the kitchen,anger -i woke up feeling ugly and im sure i looked like a hot mess,sad -i feel a strange obligation to be interested and encouraging even when the kid is clearly taking the piss,fear -i contributed my ideas and opinions during discussions and i feel that i contributed ideas that were valued and taken into consideration,happy -i was starting feel a bit regretful for the break up so i thought id write this list to remind me why i broke it off,sad -i cannot wait for school to end so i can change into a tank top and shorts and head to the gym and then to release my toxins and stretch and realize that homework is important but feeling good is even better,happy -i don t know this shit happens but every time i find out about yet another secret makeshift graveyard full of women s bones i feel that enraged impotence just like it was the first time,anger -i do not feel outraged by the change in name changing tanjore to thanjavur and mysore to mysuru makes more sense but since the previous cities were named by the very people who made them what they are today from mere villages to major power centres it s not a crime to retain those names,anger -i am more well read and i feel like im becoming more intelligent and articulate,happy -i feel so terrified to tell her,fear -i feel pretty rotten,sad -im not really terrified of childbirth this time around and even though i know no matter what unexpectedly pops up you really can survive it and even though the author of my baby planner would be beaming with pride that i followed her instructions to the letter im still feeling a bit uncertain,fear -i own the brushes are constantly used and i feel that they are a worthwhile investment,happy -i didnt regret anything after bought this and i feel so satisfied about it thankyouu lt,happy -i feel lonely and he always talks to me,sad -i feel repressed enough as it is and these sorts of repressive measures and guidelines only succeed in making me want to have more sex and partaking of the revelry that comes with being a dirty slut,sad -i can only feel rejected and tossed aside and hurt for so long before i get enough guts to just pick up and move on,sad -i feel eager to push forward but so far havent applied myself completely to it,happy -i feel overwhelmed by my circumstance in all of my mere human ness i will remember that god has landed here,surprise -im feeling a little vulnerable,fear -i wouldnt buy it but if someone gave me some id wear it if i was feeling a particularly vain that day but not really,sad -i still don t feel devastated by the break up,sad -i am at day and i am feeling terrific,happy -i almost feel a little bit weird about saying anything because it would almost feel like gossip,surprise -i have been feeling suitably punished,sad -i always feel vaguely suspicious giving my personal details to random strangers i tell myself not to give her my real date of birth,fear -i do think as he was feeling a bit of humiliated they did not have an excellent alternative they wanted all of us to clarify the fact that stop mortgage is working,sad -i cant seem to get passed feeling stunned,surprise -i began feeling shaky my heart was sort of skipping around i felt like someone who had been drinking coffee all day long,fear -i hope all of you epers feel terrific too,happy -i do reviews only on my personal experience please do not feel insulted or put off by my words i intend only to advise,anger -i feel very vulnerable and exposed too when i was in school i never thought this was how my life was going to be,fear -i feel for the death of this innocent child i dont trust her or her story,happy -i do know that when i see the colour purple it makes me feel calm,happy -im feeling less grumpy after that,anger -i need to be able to pursue the creative opportunities i crave without feeling like i m throwing my family under the bus funny how they still want to be fed even when i have a big gig to prepare for,surprise -i like the new ones better i feel they are superior to the originals in every single way,happy -i can feel a sense of comfort with nostalgic sweetness,love -i came home with these bits and bobs feeling very pleased with myself and ready for some sunny british weather,happy -i feel strongly that those who finger point and wish to control other peoples lives are not feeling very peaceful and content within their own lives,happy -i feel no need to offer it though i do feel a bit suspicious in the area of is she doing this just to try and lump all the people who have bothered to argue cogently with her in with the woman hating misogynists,fear -i rarely feel inspired and ready to write,happy -i feel loyal to skirtsports,love -i have to think for days what to text him and i feel really nervous if he doesnt answer,fear -im kinda relieve but at the same time i feel disheartened,sad -i have tuned in to some country music the past year but it has only left me feeling empty,sad -i have panic attacks when the phone rings and just feel so isolated,sad -i have had a seizure i am not allowed to take part even though i feel fine,happy -i firmly believe that you shouldnt have to spend a lot to look feel fantastic and i love mixing style steals with higher end items,happy -i feel like such a goof ball for the things i am curious about but i see life as this adventure that i get to embark on and i want to squeeze every ounce of good from it,surprise -i feel i have rushed moments where i begin to take this life here for granted i just look at them they look at me and my graced life becomes the stage again warts crushed worms under foot and all the other conflicts that come with it,anger -i feel for him and im sympathetic because i have known people who have struggled with alcohol and drug addiction,love -i do feels amazing and is an investment for something greater,happy -i have a positive or negative experience depends largely on how much i feel control was either respected or taken from me,happy -im just feeling insecure and while i can easily diagnose these dispositions it doesnt help,fear -ive been sitting in my wheel chair to move laundry and while the chair isnt terribly maneuverable due to the confines of the small laundry area at least it feels fairly safe even it it is still quite a struggle,happy -i wait to hear if you feel i should find this is acceptable,happy -im feeling very remorseful at the moment,sad -talking to a very good friend who had just had a very bad experience which was changing his whole way of looking at life etc,sad -when i noticed two spiders running on the floor in different directions,anger -i am feeling so invigorated and so ready to keep pushing on to goal,happy -i feel like a super hero now that she naps amp sleeps in her crib,happy -i feel like its one of the most valuable tools in my art box,happy -i began to feel a lot better about the situation and decided to just keep doing what i was doing,happy -i am left feeling underwhelmed and ungrateful,sad -i feel that popular culture especially in the uk and the usa is mired in an unsavoury mix squalor and stupidity,happy -i want to feel good but during that short week you don t get a chance,happy -i feel like im alone in missing him and because of that i feel a bit foolish for missing him as much as i do,sad -i did though and woke up feeling terrific,happy -i know that part of the problem is that i feel like i have become more boring and less of an interesting person since those days,sad -i feel that anger toward someone else not caring about someone else being selfish creating a negative impression of someone else not noticing the person next to them not saying hello to someone they must recognize where is my good heart,love -i feel so useless as i am bent on p here on the floor,sad -i know sweetie turning in a month but you re still years old it s hard to comprehend what s going on except that the feeling isn t pleasant,happy -i feel bitter about me being like this but then i really am not,anger -i thought it would be fun and therapeutic and that i would feel useful and helpful by keeping up her blog,happy -i feel pretty confident in saying this,happy -i don t speak more than a few words of the local language and i have to rely on him to translate the conversations for me i feel submissive,sad -i just feel like if i can just make it through this week it will be ok,happy -i want to be happy again and i have forgotten what it is like to feel content,happy -i have just been feeling so thankful humbled and blessed for my family and where we are in our life,happy -i feel greatly humiliated by the beauty of everything,sad -im feeling a bit needy i keep thinking i would appreciate any attention but of course that is not true,sad -i feel them at all and cannot just be content becoming a widow nun derby girl or something is what they become for me in my head,happy -i feel privileged and beyond lucky to have met him,happy -i feel discouraged and realize face palm that i need to look at things with a different perspective to be grateful about anything i can find,sad -i want to feel pretty or handsome or something,happy -i have to say i really feel a little useful for the progress of the second half the replacement of the shirt plus the coach s hairdryer,happy -i do feel very excited about travelling because it s not often that i get to travel and it s definitely not often that i get to do it for free,happy -i walk into a restaurant well any public place i feel like all eyes are on me and i feel really paranoid,fear -ill just cut amp paste it next time i feel the urge to type something as whiney as that,sad -i was feeling and was surprised when i told him i felt fine no fatigue,surprise -i especially enhappyed listening to shotgun lovesongs on audio book as it just seemed to give even more depth and feeling to what is truly a very special novel,happy -i can say is that i feel like myself when i put on a skirt heels and lipstick and when i wear clothing which has come to be accepted as neutral and nondescript like a t shirt and jeans i dont feel like myself,love -i am sure she makes all waiting couples feel this way but we left feeling like she is pulling for us and she will be so thrilled when it all works out,happy -i feel rude taking pictures of them,anger -i got a sore throat then a runny nose then a full blown congested head cold which fell on the bank holiday tuesday and has left me feeling low and blue and bleurgh since then,sad -i meet up with the team i don t feel welcomed or accepted,happy -i feel completely restless and then i feel fine where i am,fear -i feel complimented or insulted,anger -i am feeling lots of movement now but gar is unsure whether he feels or not,fear -i have had several new members tell me how comfortable they feel with how accepted they are by the existing members and that is great to hear,love -i wont vote this year just to feel naughty and inflammatory,love -i feel reassured that i was able to observe myself clinging with such clarity,happy -i was very happy with impact made by valbuena and diaby especially the latter who i feel has what it takes to overhaul a shaky usual starter,fear -im dealing with issues that have me feeling kind of depressed and it stormed rained all afternoon not helping things,sad -i don t really like to shop for the most part but when i feel threatened that s when i want to spend,fear -i am talking purely about feeling here but i just didnt feel that emotional when the boy was killed,sad -i do love the idea of having slave brothers but not at expense that i feel ignored lonely and frustrated and so depressed,sad -i feel grumpy i am short with my wife or children,anger -i feel terrible about it though because i know how much courage it takes to ask,sad -i notice that is generally toward the end of the day that i start feeling really doubtful,fear -i got a feeling that it was rushed to,anger -i like the domestic scene salty sweet combos recipe reviews the smell of rosemary babies the feeling of having exercised hand clapping rhymes books lost teacups and laundry that has been washed dried folded and put away,sad -i feel india management should and must be regretting the vital mistake they made during wc when they made a deadly mistake of dropping laxman for dinesh for just his fielding qualities when we all know that laxman is not at all a bad slipper,happy -i would have to think oh the poor lady always being sick always being stressed feeling so isolated,sad -i pretty much get a feeling that i am not liked at all by them,love -i feel the need to put my deepest darkest vulnerabilities into words it s not pleasant but it helps me,happy -i also loved bruise brothers it was so much fun playing alongside so many brilliant skaters and feeling useful on track,happy -i felt ashamed of these feelings and was scared because i knew that something wrong with me and thought i might be gay,fear -im feeling wonderful these days,happy -ive never had a cavity and the dentist always praises me and makes me feel fabulous because of my outstanding dental health,happy -i feel needy when i ask someone to hang out with me and i end up not trying after a few times of being told no i have plans sorry,sad -i was living with when i first started coming to the gatherings on sunday mornings i feel quite fearless now,happy -im starting to feel unwelcome in there,sad -i saw him on galaxies magazine i feel curious why this singer is so famous,surprise -i feel so frightened at the thought of opening up my heart,fear -i feel tortured being away from my baby,anger -i feel like i m trying to convince the most skeptical disbelieving person in the world that yes i really do have bipolar disorder,fear -i feel like being sincere i am speechless lacking in my ability to combine meaningless characters into a diagram of thoughts,happy -i have had my treasury selection on the front page a couple of times and believe me it is a real squeeee moment you feel jolly and smug and treat yourself to extra chocolate that day,happy -im feeling kind of petty and selfish,anger -i will feel comfortable handing it over to an editor,happy -i feel very loyal to it and i like doing it for as long as they want to do it and as long as we all want to do it,love -i won t feel like the jolly green giant while clothes shopping,happy -i feel irritable when he starts talking about it because it can go on for ev er,anger -i was feeling somewhat irritable through the whole thing,anger -i always feel accepted by them,happy -im praying you didnt feel a thing and it was peaceful for you,happy -i can still feel the anger pounding in my ears but the certainty is starting to trickle away leaving me shaken and unsure,fear -i know how i feel about spamming when it happens to me and i was not impressed,surprise -i am feeling too grouchy to be properly penitential,anger -i was feeling sentimental and so it made sense to commemorate the milestone with a book,sad -i didnt often feel helpless,sad -i can not help but feel distraught about it,fear -i had the same physical problems years ago that i have today i would have thought i would never make it to while i now feel less bothered by those same problems since i dont have a choice and dont care to let them bother me,anger -i always want my guests to know how much i appreciate them coming to visit so i strive to really make them feel welcomed and loved,happy -i am feeling isolated with this infection as i have not told any of my friends only my sister and my mother who do not live close to me therefore feel i don t have anyone to talk to,sad -id love to go shopping for sure because i am annoyed feeling bitchy as of right now towards everyone especially you you you,anger -im going to have to spend the next five hours listening to three days grace to work it out of my system and you know how i feel about their rebellious apostrophe neglect,anger -i feel so dumb photographing myself okay i even feel dumb trying to smile for justin,sad -i feel its hardly a loss since the food at kao chi is not only delicious but also more budget friendly,happy -i dont remember a day i was not romantic and feel passionate about the feeling of life,love -i feel worthless confused edgy and mentally drained,sad -im trying to wein off them with doctors guidance of course but if i miss a day i feel agitated about everything,fear -i guess but it feels like the most unpleasant joke youve ever heard,sad -i ever feel ugly or ashamed of my body,sad -i feel lucky to have escaped without worse consequences,happy -i figured i have to blog about what i feel passionate about or im not doing myself or this blog any justice,love -i am feeling wonderful filled with hope and faith,happy -i like good jokes i like to have a good company and subkect of talking i like a man that can make a woman feel horny,love -im feeling very agitated right now,anger -i feel about one of my most beloved songs of all time,love -i don t always feel quite as graceful but that s a story for another time,happy -i see the more i feel is fake,sad -i had started about two days ago with some sound sensitivity that i hadnt been having for a little while and then i started with feeling almost like motion if you will from movements and then started with smell sensitivity but luckily it hasnt bothered me since last night,anger -i really dont think seriously happy and focused like i am familiar with feeling nonetheless rather i feel strangely distracted and uncomfortable,anger -i feel like a super hero of sorts,happy -i feel assaulted by all directions,sad -i have to admit that i m feeling quite gloomy today the first real day on my own in atlanta,sad -i just need a few minutes to feel put upon and gloomy or to rage and spit,sad -i had struggled through a difficult pregnancy i was feeling apprehensive and excited at the same time about the soon to be newest member of our family,fear -i feel guilty about feeling guilty over my health crisis when i am so damn lucky to be here,sad -i thought i would i just feel blank,sad -i still feel quite contented amp happy lah,happy -i legislators certainly feel they need this protection given the fact that car bombings blamed on al qaeda in iraq continue to hit iraqi cities and the parliamentary building itself was bombed in by a suicide bomber though not a vehicle bomb,sad -i mention that i feel really unwelcome,sad -i was feeling much more agitated than usual had difficulties sleeping and constantly required my parents presence,fear -i must tell you that i have been doing much more yoga lately and i feel all lovely and loose in my joints and muscles,love -i feel quite clever,happy -id like to be losing a month but i know that a month is not sustainable for me and i am losing a month without feeling deprived which is more awesome than i can explain,sad -i almost always feel dissatisfied with novels after i finish them,anger -i feel like im just not passionate about anything anymore,happy -i feel cool because the plane has four seats instead of only two,happy -i still cannot find the damned tin certificate but i feeling mellow i clean up cart out two salt bags full of junk to the rubbish bin,happy -im having a picnic feeling a little playful,happy -i wrote maybe a truth because i want to tell one guy something and i am afraid to tell him how i feel because he pissed me off,anger -i feel so embarrassed and humiliated korean attack victim accuses police sydney morning herald posted on pm with a href http brisbanehub,sad -ive had times of feeling really lonely even though ive got facebook friends,sad -i am feeling so sad right now,sad -i feel some kind of artistic stream in my head,happy -i feel alarmed her fingers gripping tight i see her pleading eyes so i start to disguise and say that everythings alright,fear -i am on the same exact combination i was on when i conceived tate i started feeling so hopeful this month,happy -i remember feeling disheartened one day when we were studying a poem really dissecting it verse by verse stanza by stanza,sad -i drew this because i feel hated,sad -i feel shamed that i hoped for one last christmas because i know she would never want to live life as she is now helpless and weak,sad -i had no particular feelings about him before except that he seemed decently clever taking pictures of the alien instead of the chaos,happy -i feel pretty pathetic now,sad -i cant tell you what this feels like on the face but it certainly felt wonderful on my body,happy -i feel rich comments,happy -i feel like a failure at parenting and each time one of the boys screams at me talks back to be or just blatantly disregards me i am convinced ive lost the battle,happy -i are just relaxing together and i feel ecstatic and blissfully happy because i know he loves me and i love him,happy -ive filled in some of the holes beneath my desk with foil as i feel distressed by the idea of losing one of my sewing machine feet or the bobbin case down there,fear -i would say just try being kind to yourself and feel proud for another day without alcohol x,happy -i dolphins feel sweet taste of victory defeat cincinnati bengals in overtime a href http twitter,happy -i feel superior but in the end i feel worthless and i feel everyone else to be just as worthless,happy -i have been feeling extraordinarily indecisive about which innocent crush fabrics i love the most,fear -i don t like pushy sales folk and ask for help when i need it but sometimes i struggle and feel too proud to reach out and that s when i need others to reach out their hand,happy -i could still feel all romantic ish,love -im betraying my youth and class origins here but the working world still feels very strange to me,fear -i feel stupid because i didnt buy in sooner,sad -i feel like if he was innocent he wouldn t feel like he has anything to prove,happy -i can feel her pissed off attitude towards me from far away,anger -i feel that the pagers definitely damaged the deaf community social time,sad -i feel restless and move walking a long way to find another right place,fear -ill be turning a year older with you oyyy you feel special noh,happy -im kind of embarrassed about feeling that way though because my moms training was such a wonderfully defining part of my own life and i loved and still love,love -i did not feel intimidated by the wealth of past greek writing but was instead inspired soothed relaxed stimulated by the landscape the legends and the history,fear -im feeling artistic here are a couple of drawings i did in the dust on ms car after it rained a couple of months ago,happy -i love being swung around the dance floor with him leading making me feel graceful,happy -i stop working on my homework and take a break without feeling irritable,anger -im not feeling very graceful today,happy -i thought i would miss feeling useful,happy -i am right now made me feel special,happy -i enhappyed it for the most part for an entertainment value due to it being a fast and mostly fun read i also had several qualms with it at the same time that left me feeling dissatisfied,anger -i believe everyone can feel energetic after listening,happy -i still can t shake the feeling of him loving us both equally,love -i have been a pro at hiding my true feelings but the cracks are coming through so i am going to repair them and throw myself into being the supporting happy rock again,happy -i would come inside in the evenings bone weary and covered in muck feeling like i was finally accomplishing something worthwhile something in which i could have real pride and happy,happy -i find enlightening and brilliant when i am feeling happyful can be annoying and slightly grating when the cluttered mind gets going,happy -i feel tortured,anger -i have a feeling he would ve got something much cheaper and less fabulous,happy -i feel greedy to want it to recede some more but there you have it i do want that,anger -i wasnt feeling well so we had to cancel our plans to join a larger family gathering,happy -i have been feeling lied to and abused by lenders,sad -i feel angered by this and confused on how she could remarry already and especially to my father s own brother,anger -i sure feel triumphant lately,happy -i feel so rebellious on my parents for not letting them know what i m doing for the moment and for my friends who were away for a long time and were thrilled to meet me there,anger -i actually just took a two hour break because i was feeling too pissed to keep writing,anger -i feel shaky discussing it with anybody especially in public as though i m a little ball of explosive tears just waiting to spill out everywhere,fear -i was feeling hopeless than desperate having been suffering from acid reflux for weeks,sad -i can feel the ice cold water freezing my insides especially coming in through the bottom of my feet and the numbness starts,anger -i was feeling a bit nostalgic and typed all this up literally without thinking about what i was writing,love -i somehow feel more insecure than ever about explaining my research,fear -i feel i have to do its my creative calling my lifes passion,happy -i was just telling you how i feel about you and all you reply back was just since when you started caring for me so much,love -i just listened to ed and then after feeling regretful i just laid on the floor with a sore throat and my heart beating in strange rhythms,sad -i feel so disgusted with myself for feeling the way i do,anger -i also feel slightly relieved that we didnt have it out with him about the racist language,happy -i definitely feel like those are tender mercies from heavenly father,love -i feel much more comfortable finding those people who have articulated a vision that matches mine who have found the words to say what i am thinking and more importantly what i am feeling i am an a href http en,happy -i was feeling very bitter towards him so my responses where kind of cold,anger -i feel unusually mellow not having to worry about any of the aforementioned things not having to rely on tylenol pm or nyquil to lull me to sleep,happy -i manage to complete the lap not too far behind the front runners and am feeling pretty jubilant until i realise that this is just the warm up,happy -i feel like i have to fucking go back and clarify every statement so that i dont get people agitated,anger -i feel for peter he was convinced of his unworthiness,happy -i was doing okay even done some enclosed seams and was feeling quite proud of myself until i realised id done the seams too big,happy -im feeling rather festive here in south florida,happy -im still feeling a little shocked over yesterdays news that pope benedict xvi has decided to resign,surprise -i am feeling so proud,happy -i got into austin just after last night exhausted and still feeling pretty lousy from the cold i got in seattle last week,sad -i remember feeling loved and beautiful and special and sweaty to be honest,love -i feel extremely shitty today,sad -i love it when people cleverly and humorously tear apart a book that has gotten too big for its boots and now i m feeling inspired to do the same myself,happy -i was feeling really hot and i thought id whip up a sorbet to cool me down,love -i get why she is concerned because i have been pretty honest about feeling shitty about all of it,sad -i would eventually go in to these stores but i had to work up a lot of courage and i would still feel super uncomfortable once inside which we all know is not normal for me,happy -i feel so blessed to be a part of your days,happy -i did feel superior in one thing,happy -i am feeling more determined than ever now and i will reach my goal weight,happy -i call my ex so i don t have to feel guilty about all the other men i m sleeping with whilst he s doing a four year stretch,sad -i read somewhere that even if the rest of the relationship is perfect and there is one problem that can t be solved or you feel isn t being resolved it will consume the rest of the relationship,happy -i suddenly feel like the grouchy grinch or jack skellington,anger -i sensed such a feeling when i understood i was admitted to the university i was at home,happy -i have this mixed up kinda feeling and i really feel unimportant to the people around me,sad -i needed to relax b i didnt really feel like being productive and c the weather was not,happy -i can feel that my hopes have not been in vain she said,sad -i popped a fever and even my co workers we urging me to go home before i even had a chance to open my mouth and voice the obligatory i m not feeling so hot,love -i feel so helpless knowing i cant protect them and i worry about the others now,fear -i honestly feel at heart we should be faithful to each other if its yo girl,love -i can feel you moving everyday now and its kind of weird to not be able to call you by name,fear -i think about it i feel a rushed mixture of excitement and nerves,anger -i feel hated there but had to remind my selfish self that none of this was about me,sad -i have told about this to one of my closest friend and well i am feeling somewhat scared to entrust my secret someone else but at the same time i am also feeling better thinking that now i have someone to share my feeling about that someone special,fear -i feel is a mistake as she is not as strong as she needs to be,happy -i feel extremely intimidated,fear -i feel that i dont have to get so envious,anger -i know how you feel i was depressed once for several days,sad -i know that i m going to get my dark chocolate every day and not feel deprived,sad -i feel lovely inside,love -i was feeling pretty good about the day ahead but that then took a turn for the absolute worst when i suddenly realised i have a dreadful fear of water i can t stand in,happy -i have to find a few baskets for storage and put up some hooks for drying yarn but it already feels so special,happy -i feel like it is a valuable addition to any teachers repertoire,happy -i listened to oral arguments for a case that left me feeling frustrated and confused,anger -i feel as though marjane had to live a very rushed childhood not so much for what was happening in her surroundings but because of her eager need to know everything,anger -i feel freaking fantastic this morning,happy -i feel so squeezed hate this feeling thats why i dont really like squeezing on buses or in the mrt unless im with people which wont be that bad as compared as being alone,sad -i woke up feeling ecstatic for about seconds and then reality hit and it just made me all upset again,happy -i feel disgusted by u,anger -i suck in a deep breath and my lungs are left feeling needy,sad -ive never been particularly bothered about my age or the ageing process and while i feel slightly surprised that im nearly i dont really mind,surprise -i wear this story as a protection from feeling the vulnerability of merely loving and depending on another human,love -im just feeling personally devastated that this happened at my college in the school im studying under,sad -i not talking about relationships here just that initial moment of attraction when you first meet someone how does it feel at that point to be abit disadvantaged,sad -i still find myself visiting there on my blah days when im feeling lost on how to obtain the happy of a peaceful existence,sad -i seem to feel some fondness for this curious old man,surprise -i want so much to feel successful and not frantic that my prep time can be what takes up my own time for painting my own projects,happy -i dont come from a perfect past i come from a past that feels very messy and loud and chaotic and full of words words words that never really meant much or were lies,sad -i always feel so inadequate,sad -i feel bad saying that and like its just an excuse or something,sad -i feel like i m being punished gt gt gt gt gt something which you could have avoided by gosh just being honest,sad -i am feeling so super accomplished ive even forgotten what i was going to post about,happy -i feel less useless on a day like this lol,sad -i refuse to stay silent when confronted with pricks who instead of no response or sorry not interested actually go out of their way to make someone feel shitty,sad -i just started taking mine yesterday and i feel kinda funny,surprise -im feeling really horny with all this new power,love -i am feeling rejection low self esteem and purposeless,sad -i let emotion leak into the decision process and ended up with m feeling resentful,anger -i actually feel more energetic than usual rather than drained,happy -im starting to feel a little more energetic when the boys dont wear me out that is,happy -i hope your words make you feel brave and scared and everything else in between,happy -i feel our culture and artistic history is slowly slipping away except in the small groups that try to keep it alive,happy -i just did not feel inspired to blog and frankly creating blog posts had become a chore,happy -im feeling a little giggly here,happy -i did not even think to put shoes on i walked on the snow and could feel warmth from the divine love emanating from his spirit,happy -i still feel violent but my ideas of torturing are far more tame than they were yesterday,anger -i will sometimes feel a dull ache in the leg while sitting but i think that can be expected at this point,sad -i dunno i just feel so useless,sad -i would love to open up a beauty salon for real women one day somewhere those who do not necessarily have perfect bodies skin can come without feeling intimidated,fear -i want and don t want but i m starting to feel resentful about him missing all the signals i m sending him,anger -i also find that it gives me a light energy lift and maybe this is my imagination but i also feel a connection and partnership with my plant friends which is a terrific way to start off the gardening season which i did in earnest this weekend and will post details of during the week ahead,happy -i feel pretty safe but i do realize that we do have outside influences coming to our campus but i havent seen any real law enforcements come down either,happy -i don t feel too troubled about this,sad -i feel shaken by what the mps did but you make it all better,fear -i think about them tomorrow tomorrow but right now i m tired and was already a bit frustrated so i m just feeling completely drained,sad -i got back up after feeling in vain really because of scarlets reply regarding a myspace message,sad -i feel like such a pathetic talentless unloveable loser,sad -i sit here at munching on vegetables hummus and ranch i am feeling very distraught,fear -im feeling im caring im healing im sharing amp a supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver,love -i stood for a few minutes more feeling a strange heavy numbness settling over me even as my heart beat faster then slowly sat down again thinking,fear -i feel i should say what i want since you are in fact reading my diary i feel that many of my beloved readers are becoming offended with some of the things i say and post here,happy -i think im mad at myself for just feeling this jaded after only five months of nursing,sad -i concluded that if my wife cheated on me with a man i would feel betrayed and devastated and my trust in her would plummet,sad -i felt even more frustrated and discouraged when i realized my reputation had been damaged but i also realized i had a choice i could feel resentful for the situation i was in or i could rebuild my good reputation,anger -im feeling so melancholy all day i know this is because ive been reading the perks of again,sad -i hope you do because otherwise your wife will start to feel if she hasn t already unimportant in your life,sad -i got there i didnt feel too bad i didnt feel much different if im honest,sad -i just cant stand that thick dragging feeling of oil paints so im glad i had the underlying texture on the wood to give the painting some extra interest,happy -im writing for those who have been told that they are weak or that their strengths are weaknesses and they were made to feel ashamed,sad -i don t know if it s normal to feel cranky and weepy at this stage of my pregnancy but lately i ve been feeling really sad and disappointed for not giving birth last weekend after i felt that i was having labor pains early friday morning until the morning of saturday,anger -i just feel awful and unlovable and thoroughly sorry for myself,sad -im feeling kind of irritated that the school year is over halfway over and all hes been getting is speech,anger -i was feeling ignored lied to full half or no truth omission avoidance being left out on things as if this was just a game to you and as if you really did not want me around,sad -i was happy to feel her embrace and devastated i d not gotten in touch before this,sad -i feel gulity and feeling like im not being loyal and feel like im even cheating on her with,love -i know that god has a huge plan for my life but i cant stop myself from feeling impatient and i know its bad but i sometimes well almost all the time question him about this,anger -i guess i feel kinda loyal to them since i ultimately plan on jumping ship in mid to late september to escape from california,love -i feel like this is a perfectly acceptable number since baby is really starting to crowd my lungs a bit more now,happy -i really do feel so peaceful right now as i type this,happy -i hope she leaves you and i hope you feel heartbroken that you messed up your marriage,sad -i feel like i havent sit still since my birthday which i am loving,love -i feel doubtful and afraid,fear -i feel honoured that this small person who i have only known for a short time felt that he could trust me enough yet other adults around him are so hideous,happy -i hated feeling dumb,sad -i love those kiddos and yet am left feeling so helpless,sad -i feel like i m just a good actress then maybe,happy -i feel ugly and sad and i just want to stop comparing myself,sad -i did things that i always wondered about and now feel remorseful for,sad -i admit that i feel as if i only have a little but that little i am determined to offer to the lord bit by bit to do as he pleases when he pleases where he pleases how he pleases,happy -i wasn t feeling especially sympathetic,love -i accept the medication until i dont feel too troubled by those i will never have the full benefices from them,sad -i don t mean this to be harsh selfish or uncaring but i feel that my readers will benefit most from the content that i provide rather than what is linked to a party,happy -i realize that i sound a little overdramatic when i say that but if you sincerely feel that way you have clearly missed the point of all of these posts,sad -i didnt feel like explaining to her that im genuinely curious and want to learn and understand and at least have some idea of what people are saying to me,surprise -i feel like ive been running around without any sense of direction or longing of purpose or life goals,love -i feel strangely defeated,sad -i sound desperate and pathetic to myself but i feel frantic in my need for him,fear -i left gastro feeling impressed,surprise -i feel sorry for those who had to leave hearth and home to work the sale,sad -i got to christmas feeling positive about the future and hopeful that hospital admissions were finally behind me,happy -i feel loyal to a href http www,love -i just feel very cheated and quite frightened that i was invaded like this,fear -i still feel horny from that little a href http blogs,love -i was taught to complain and feel unhappy but it was not until quite recently i clearly understood the importance or gratitude and started to make it important in my life,sad -i really did not feel so impressed with houston when i came here last time,surprise -i actually feel more compassionate towards them,love -i kind of asked somebody if they confirmed my feeling and they ignored me so i guess i went on,sad -i did that last night and woke up feeling groggy until about lunch time,sad -i feel extremely passionate about this topic because that person used to be me,love -i knew just the thing he needed what every guy needs when he s feeling overwhelmed james bond,fear -im feeling good though,happy -i always feel triumphant when my recycling bin is brimming over and my garbage bin contains only household scraps,happy -i still feel a tad bit skeptical,fear -i normally would want to eat this when i feel the world is dull,sad -i just want someone who ll make feel that i m terrified the one who ll make me crazily say i m in love i m terrified for the first time,fear -i was stone heavier and feeling hopeless,sad -i feel like i want to hide away amp be distracted at the same time,anger -i know you re only doing this because i want it not because you re feeling submissive or even sexual,sad -im just going to continue feeling this pain and suffering in my chest every time i breathe,sad -i feel from no longer being burdened with those i have to tip toe around and be careful about what i am saying or feeling is unbelievable,sad -i feel it was very rude to put a camera that close to anybody s face in any situation,anger -i learnt that expectations of people are not always met and may leave you feeling immensely disappointed most of the time,sad -i am feeling the purpose of caring for those of us who are caregivers as well,love -id feel so defeated and id have to lick my wounds,sad -i have had several new members tell me how comfortable they feel with how accepted they are by the existing members and that is great to hear,happy -i don t like to use the h word recklessly but i would admit to feeling jolly these days and i have a reason alfie is now the fourth most popular name in the uk well england and wales,happy -i feel amazed when i saw the final result even thos without fishes inside,surprise -i can barely speak at all even though i feel just fine,happy -i finally know what it feels like to be heartbroken,sad -i cant feel remorseful for saying it,sad -i was feeling festive yesterday,happy -i pray regularly now my prayer life doesnt feel passionate,happy -i woke up this morning feeling hopeful and energetic,happy -i often feel angry or wound up about all the injustices and while the concerns are important and taking action is worthwhile existing in a constant state of feeling over wound cant be healthy,anger -i am feeling like something sweet there is always fruit,love -i wish that i could re establish a reasonable level of motivation that isnt predicated on the need to make people feel like less intelligent human beings than they probably are,happy -i feel have shown me that timing is veery important,happy -im with my boyfriend and friends i feel fine and genuinely happy but the minute im alone i feel depressed,happy -im feeling relaxed,happy -im feeling a little lethargic lately but school is still school,sad -i posted i think it was about feeling sorta shitty and well i didnt want that to be the last post in my blog any more,sad -i shall move right along to the post interview portion of the day the results of which will be far more exciting and interesting to you i feel sure,happy -i look at my calendar i feel overwhelmed by all of the appointments and obligations coming up,fear -i hide what i am truly feeling thinking for fear that it will lead to something far more dangerous,anger -i can have such a faith because i believe that there are people who have left feeling dismayed and disappointed in a god who did no miracles in their lives,sad -i was feeling mad about the dress and mad at myself for being mad about the dress,anger -i feel unwelcome in this town as if my time here has been spent my quota of memories well past brimming and my eviction notice is long overdue,sad -i bet yahoo feel pretty shitty right now,sad -i do feel privileged to give as dh cannot he was in europe during the mad cow outbreak and they wont allow him to donate,happy -i probably know where im going like i know the back of my hand i still feel thrilled because i know every trip would reveal something new to me,happy -i told my colleagues in the qa team that after knowing almost everything in the floor back when i was an agent now i feel like im a kid curious of almost everything,surprise -i was sold more on the feeling than the food at the time but i can still say all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun in under seconds for a free burger,happy -i went to see the entrance examination results at university i rehappyced at my success,happy -i feel he is an terrific really worth bet,happy -i feel myself becoming vicious once more,anger -i found out in a nutshell at this time you are feeling uptight and you are urgently in need of rest and relaxation but perhaps even more than that you need to overcome that feeling that you have been hard done by and treated with a complete lack of consideration,fear -i feel idiotic but now my friends and family are going to make fun of me for it and now that i thought i had a good reason to be proud this shit happens,sad -i feel awards are for people who are enormously talented,happy -im still not a fan but i feel less agonized by it and the teachers comments after the fact made the struggle really worth it,sad -i think it is the worst feeling it gives me the shivers and just thinking about it makes my teeth feel strange,surprise -ive been feeling so restless lately why i bleached my hair so much a month ago,fear -i feel like i havent blogged in a super long time,happy -i am no longer a virgin with girls i m starting to feel very indecisive once again,fear -i admit that there is a sort of a mexigoth feel or vibe to it which i am fond of,love -i feel jealous angry or bitter ask why,anger -i have a feeling a forks version of that charming little tale will happen soon,happy -i still feel like the debate was vicious on both sides,anger -i wear funny cartoon t shirts of course with my favorite cartoon characters like bugs bunny and tweety bird that is when i feel humorous and in high spirits like going to a park or a mall with my crazy and dorky friends,happy -im in so much pain and i feel like a useless lump face,sad -i feel it is vital to lay everything on the table now im not interested in setting myself up for further humiliation and disappointment,happy -i feel confused and so uncertain of where im even at,fear -i am still feeling gloomy and down,sad -i am feeling fine i guess,happy -i would end up feeling rejected and feeling like they just played a cruel joke on me by getting my hopes up just to purposely crush them,sad -i then felt a feeling of awkwardness and discontent cuz he said yeah me too and not im sorry,sad -my last genetices midterm a decent grade,happy -i still feel like i am in the process of learning how to write in a blogging style but slowly i am becoming better at it,happy -i feel a little bit more nostalgic when those memories come to mind,love -i don t know when i will want to tell her and feel guilty and disappointed that everything i am thinking about her and our relationship right now is negative,sad -i was creating a relationship to counter a self accepted and allowed self definition of being inferior to them which means i was feeling lousy thinking i was less than because i was not being in the limelight of praise of gain,sad -i can t tell you how awful that comment made me feel its not supportive it s condescending,love -i lost touch with her several years ago and feel a little bitter towards her and yet not quite willing to get rid of a reminder of the good times we had,anger -ill just run to people watch feel the wind in my face see the lovely colours of nature and look at the planes flying higher up in the distance,love -i could make just one person feel loved for just a mere moment then my job here on earth has been fulfilled,love -i have a feeling its going to be a little sweet for my tastes,love -i feel very honoured that people think this of me,happy -i feel they had unprotected sex on several occasions she was like what if i get pregnant he was like whatever caught in the heat of passion,fear -i feel horny a class arialblue href chat,love -i feel like being casual,happy -i always feel fearless january st,happy -i am not feeling very happyful today its been a rough day,happy -i see wonderful godly parents taking care of their childrens i praise god even though i feel jealous,anger -i feel so blessed to have known both,happy -i sin against him and am filthy before him and yet i only feel his gentle love beckon me back into his arms and feel his righteousness rush over me,love -im just feeling whiney,sad -i feel so amazing and i m so by a href http yourweightlossmethods,happy -ive been disregarded devalued or heartbroken or when i am between boyfriends and in need of someone to make me feel valued attractive loved and adored i have certain men i call,happy -ive been feeling pretty mellow lately aside from stressing at work from time to time but thats work for you,happy -i feel like a smug mom since i know i was finally not the one to cause such chaos and mayhem,happy -i have come to find that i feel the most artistic creative inspired during the late hours of the night,happy -i like to show the homeowners these catalogs to get the feel of this a rel nofollow target blank href http www,sad -i see newborn pictures though especially the kind taken in the hospital i mostly feel acutely sympathetic to the exhausted people holding these tiny swaddled and red faced confusing beasts,love -i went to bed feeling pretty proud of myself even with the flubs i had a positive day,happy -i do like that but it just makes me feel so unimportant,sad -i am doing this namely for myself but i feel that anything i write might be useful to someone else,happy -i feel strongly that by supporting because i am a girl we can have a positive impact on girls both on and off the soccer field said christine sinclair captain canadian women s national team,happy -i feel that i was being skeptical and that it was only paranoia,fear -i feel very overwhelmed,surprise -i feel like it just gets ignored or perhaps i really have done a damn good job convincing the world that alls well when really i was only dreaming as one omd song goes,sad -i stand next to her feeling less than glamorous in my baseball t shirt levi s and black sneakers,happy -i feel much less dismayed,sad -ive been feeling for years all the things im so afraid of feeling they got him guilty on six counts he was remanded to jail,fear -i feel like my rejected little artist comes by to remind me not to ignore it from time to time,sad -i cant believe this is right but i feel a lot less alarmed since the sea is still at a steady,fear -im feeling excited when climb up but its so hard to get down,happy -i am starting to feel really isolated and it frustrates me,sad -i feel aching for honest release,sad -i type this i can see my unacceptably huge muffin top protruding out of my top and i feel disgusted that i am letting all my hard work of previous rounds go to waste,anger -i was missing him desperately and feeling idiotic for missing him,sad -i was feeling reassured,happy -i cant find it and yet i feel that i am longing for something,love -i feel im really just pissed,anger -i left feeling entertained but empty,happy -i only find out that they are looking and feeling complacent just before a match started and i have no other way to find out except through the assistant manager,happy -i feel useless hopeless and stupid,sad -when i passed the university entrance exam,happy -i tried to build up layer after layer of pencil to obtain definition and again i was left feeling dissatisfied,anger -i feel sorry for a href http bluestarlight,sad -im feeling pretty resentful,anger -i feel a tinge of nerves just thinking about having to talk to the handsome man himself,happy -i feel curiously invigorated,happy -when my father shouted at me for going to a party with my sister,anger -i am so busy feeling disgusted of myself that i have no mood to revenge on them,anger -i feel frightened to see a million youngsters aspi,fear -i use it as my blog name because it allows me to maintain a certain degree of anonymity without feeling like i m using a fake identity,sad -i was feeling pretty bitchy,anger -i feel mellow i feel free and i feel completely unmoved by society,happy -im feeling pretty cool calm and collected and sho nuff ready,happy -i feel a little frantic because i know peoples will be leaving soon and just a little while ago i felt like i had hella time to waste and to hold off on things,fear -im feeling more generous its intelligent background music that sounds much better in a large living room than in the confined space of the car or worse still on your walkman,happy -i no longer feel terrified,fear -i believe you have to truly regret feel remorseful that you have these feelings even if you feel like you can t control them,sad -i were howling with comet and the baby was kicking so much for john to feel it was so funny,surprise -i am feeling so comfortable and so happy he says,happy -i was able to go to a st party i am back feeling sociable and i really hope to get back into going to the munch but that requires a walk a min bus journey another walk then the munch and then all that back again which at the moment is a little too much,happy -i knew i was feeling agitated irritated and depressed all at the same time,anger -i can be mettaful and be feeling crappy,sad -i feel too energetic and some days i just feel the opposite,happy -i went through quite a few years of feeling too scared to create,fear -i feel that my heart broke for barney,sad -i feel need to be stressed to be shared,anger -i have bad feelings towards guys because all the men in my family are really stubborn very aggressive and very competitive,anger -i feel for matters at hand to be resolved these are no tears of self pity,happy -i feel less weird about soliciting guys for them because well i am a guy i guess and i dont feel bad about exploiting them maybe,surprise -i feel rotten and ive forgotten myself,sad -i can talk to her about almost anything i want to and she just listens and she doesnt make me feel like a whiney brat and she helps me sort my thoughts and make decisions while keeping me where she feels im safe,sad -i feel sad that someone i once knew is leaving as someone i once knew,sad -i am so sorry for making you feel unimportant lately,sad -im so grateful to feel peaceful at the end of the day,happy -i feel honoured to have had the post of conductor with cavatina singers,happy -i had one sip and already i feel dazed,surprise -i think there is no where id rather be right now than watching her little face relax her arms go slack and feeling her super soft forehead,happy -i focus on little things that make me feel glamorous,happy -i do have some pictures in my head of stuff i d like to sew when i get a chance if i m feeling brave i will blog about these projects if for no other reason to make others feel better about themselves,happy -im seeing the sausage being made but rather than feeling appalled im broadening my understanding of what makes a good book,anger -i feel like i am an island of pain and i need to be isolated from them all so i dont contaminate them with my sadness,sad -i have spent days on the problem i am now feeling eager to finish the job the plan is go into work try my solution and then get on the phone to tell the customer what to do div style clearboth padding bottom,happy -i feel they are amazing unique people and i love them so very much,surprise -i am left feeling dazed and confused,surprise -i was feeling anxious and just could not sleep,fear -i do not feel any regret that is a sorrow for an act or a failure to act because i think my daughter s experience here has been valuable and like most experiences imperfect,happy -i was laughing at my husband because he was still feeling skeptical with me cooking nice gozelemes,fear -i was feeling a little more resentful of what appeared to be poor planning by the organizers,anger -i really do like the feeling of accomplishing something worthwhile,happy -i feel suck mad and sad,anger -im feeling particularly smug create my own,happy -i feel it more when i see you not bothered,anger -i don t want you my reader friends to feel like you need to feel sorry for me,sad -im saying i feel fake,sad -i love that giddy feeling of finding someone a little bit cute and wanting to know more about them,happy -i can t write because i feel afraid that my silly little thoughts are not enough to help you,fear -i am definitely feeling a bit melancholy but ill save the reflections for tomorrow,sad -i feel like im smart now,happy -im feeling confident about it,happy -i feel peaceful with them being where they are but miss them like crazy i get giddy from the picture texts and random phone calls,happy -im just angry but i know she is hurt she feels dirty,sad -i feel super awkward and out of place right now,happy -i have to find myself sitting in front of the consultant feeling furious and increasingly upset at her patronising refusal to allow me to make a choice over the kind of birth i wanted,anger -i have a feeling they might be pleasantly surprised,surprise -i already did feel deprived when after claire was born i reacted to the epidural and experienced extreme shakes for a couple of hours and was unable to hold her during that special quiet alertness newborns experience,sad -i choose not to feel guilty unworthy or doubted,sad -i may feel discouraged and frustrated,sad -i want him to become more fully himself and that is the happy i feel when like yesterday he says with an excited whisper mama,happy -i wasnt feeling it and i didnt want to fake it,sad -i don t know why i should feel humiliated to write about it,sad -i feel so tortured by it,fear -i feel benevolent towards you today,happy -i have a mini list of good things about me that i can refer to the next time i m feeling shitty,sad -i often look around and feel very overwhelmed,fear -i just feel annoyed at the way they share their success or even just the way they talk,anger -i had feeling that if i didn t help that this can turn into a bad scene,sad -i have lost lbs have never been sick got off blood pressure and cholesterol meds and i feel terrific,happy -i feel that im most amazed still by silent knight which is an instrumental song ala hizaki,surprise -i feel of love again i was glad he was appearing now i am wondering how itd be if he truly loves me,happy -i feel like i deserve to be broke with how frivolous i am,sad -i turn up feeling more than a little apprehensive,fear -i look back at i feel very guilty about the money i spent on myself which could have been spent on the family,sad -i feel splendid sublime euphoric,happy -i nearly barfed on the day before came inside to ask me how i was feeling and as i assured her i was better and it was most likely something i ate she winked at me and said well you know there is something else that can make young women sick like that as well,happy -i consistently anticipation it s like that because i feel so admired and i feel so like safe in nature,love -i feel content to just be present giving my full attention to this weather masterpiece,happy -i think about my life there is a strong feeling that im such a innocent skin deep young lady,happy -i wouldnt want him to feel burdened by it all or one day resent adrian for making his life harder,sad -i know she feels helpless but that kiss that cuddle the hug every morning and the love you every night,sad -i feel thrilled and quite humbled i wasn t expecting anything like that and it s a funny feeling,happy -i was feeling kind of hostile anyway so that was okay with me,anger -i havent had that feeling for a while so trust i was greatly appreciative,happy -i told him well that just makes me feel really unimportant that you cant make the effort to get it straight,sad -im feeling playful i thought i would share my answers with you folks,happy -i said as five years of pain and futility lifted from my shoulders and took wing around me in angelic style i feel all jolly again,happy -i feel a sort of sweet relief when i look around and realize that or house looks like a home not a radio shack and that makes me happy,love -i feel as hungers savage tooth and when no dinner is in sight the dinner bells a sound of ruth,anger -i didn t take the time to count the money partly because the cashier was already ringing up the next customer and i was feeling a bit rushed and in the way with the next person in line crawling up my back,anger -i hate hate hate watching people work and me sitting and most of all i hate people having to take care of me so i thought i was healing at a fine rate i was feeling fairly strong and energetic just seemed to get tired quickly and i could manage the surgery healing pain,happy -i can stop feeling discouraged or full of self pity when another wave crashes down on us,sad -i feel are most valuable i think he discounts as annoying or silly,happy -i brought it to god and as im dying or feeling low during the killer push ups or power kicks i just say lord help me i can do this and i am,sad -i am feeling thankful that there are so many people who care about art and want to make things,happy -i also at first felt a hint of guilt but it was for a short period of time and then i just started to feel pissed off with the harassment,anger -i appreciate when he shows how he feels because i know that he is not naturally an affectionate person,love -i didnt think that it would come that fast or would come at all but i suppose it is because i feel cranky today,anger -im sure of how i feel and what i want in life everything has gotten messy,sad -i had tuition the next day because i wasnt feeling well n i felt so damned sleepy,happy -i allowed myself to eat foods that i know bother me because after all since i feel awful it may as well have come as a direct result of eating something i enhappy,sad -i feel so reassured by them,happy -i feel nay am gorgeous on the right track getting good grades making people happy mildly talented a good cook have a very good ear for musical notes love anime have people who care about me idiots and have a life i can do something with,happy -i feel paranoid about this you havent talked to me in two days and im scared,fear -i have a job where i am needed and where i am missed when i go away and its not just the things that i do that are missed but me as a person and that feels amazing,happy -i feel i have talented people around us in the organization,happy -i was making up a batch of waffles for breakfast the other morning it occurred to me that i might be feeling homesick,sad -im feeling much better and im ready to get outta heaaa,happy -im just feeling a little melancholy at the end of the year,sad -i am giving my pt takes the time to work with his patients and is determined to have them feeling better leaving then they did when they walked through the doors,happy -i was feeling unhappy and i said no,sad -i have tried to live a good honest life and yet it feels like im being punished,sad -i thank you from the bottom of my heart because you ve gifted me with the confidence i needed to feel like the things i want to share will be welcomed and maybe understood and maybe even helpful,happy -i began to feel like maybe i had rushed into this and not prayed or thought through it enough,anger -ive been feeling kinda gloomy lately,sad -i feel my morals are being seriously assaulted and comprimised,fear -i feel frightened and exhilarated by the scene,fear -i really want to be a better person and i finally feel confident enough in myself to take the next step and create the building blocks of a new successful life,happy -i feel eager to go back,happy -i feel no bitter feelings for the fans that drove me out of the fandom anymore either,anger -i also feel unsure when asked to remember some of the computer science concepts such as algorithmic efficiency that i studied at university,fear -im feeling quite festive,happy -im already feeling stressed two weeks before thanksgiving,sad -i alternate between feeling perfectly happy with this plan and very sad and disappointed that we dont get to experience a real vaginal birth,happy -i feel pretty shitty and it s not my fault other people don t appreciate what i do but still i can t help feeling as if i deserve it,sad -i do however feel like one of those pathetic girls who make up excuses because of a guy,sad -i was angry at myself for feeling drained and exhausted especially since i had to go to my second and third jobs and wouldnt be home until much later that evening,sad -i feel very excited about the future of gaming right now,happy -i feel as if i am naturally talented in though i know each one needs improving,happy -i am feeling stressed like that is to the water,anger -i am feeling better right now,happy -i guess my nephew feels like crap but the popular opinion is he ll be okay in a few days,happy -i touch you with my feelings hold you with my thoughts and with a smile i fall in love not caring at all display the heart,love -i already feel very glamorous have a great day everybody,happy -i feel so brave and courageous of the tiny me,happy -i look at your pictures but can not touch or feel although they are gorgeous there are not real,happy -i feel like i have a job to do on this planet so as soon as my purpose is determined i plan to try my hardest to fulfill it,happy -i had been feeling which was longing to be able to put my comfy amp forgiving yoga pants on at the end of the work day,love -i know that right before going into the psych ward i was my lowest ever and hadn t eaten in two weeks and then i had to eat and then i had to take a bunch of medications and the weight just went sky high and i feel terrible right now,sad -i feel like the nytimes publishes an article like this every year or so and each time we get pissed and feisty quick to lash out with a slew of offended and defensive responses,anger -i feel pretty fucked up these days cant breathe properly,anger -i couldn t help but feel slightly skeptical and apprehensive as i realized the tough task funes was taking on that night,fear -i feel i would give up the sense of touch feeling is because i am afraid to feel pain or suffering which i admit is probably one of the harder parts of life,fear -im all about helping people integrate their feelings thoughts and actions through creative expression,happy -i feel is more energetic in urban singapore than elsewhere,happy -i kava and vanuatu kava he described a time to me when he had had bowls of kava and was feeling very relaxed the kava was definitely speaking to him,happy -i feel that the most caring member will leave a gigantic hole which most likely fukumura mizuki will fill in eventually,love -i feel not worthwhile,happy -i first had cordelia i didnt feel a strong urge to run which is strange for me but it has come back,happy -i am feeling awfully lonely today and i dont want to burden any particular person with this because everyone has their own shit,sad -i must say that i feel a little depressed because everything i know could be completely meaningless,sad -i guess i feel a little vulnerable because i have to undergo all these physical changes in front of the whole world and it seems a little daunting,fear -i feel thats the most tragic human trait,sad -i feel so helpless when i look out at the world,fear -i feel quite jaded and unenthusiastic about life on most days,sad -i feel bad that i dont have a groupie shot with dan,sad -im sure he remembers what it feels like to have a delicious pregnant wife,happy -i dont have training to count on to see the girls i feel even more miserable,sad -i can feel my brain aching from the intense concentration required to try and keep up,sad -i feel sure is greater to those who are not dazzled by the divine radiance and human comradeship seems to grow more intimate and more tender from the sense that we are all exiles on an inhospitable shore,happy -i feel that he was completely humiliated and his grandfather s laughing in the dream roused him since the laughing echoed the taunts of the elite,sad -i could say i was feeling fear or anxiety or that im terrified of what the future may bring,fear -i walked away from her i was left feeling slightly crappy about my life she s one of those women who ll subtly put you down put your children down too given half the chance,sad -im feeling especially festive since i am wait for it all done my christmas shopping,happy -i feel like the cool mom,happy -im caught up on sleep and no longer feel like a zombie im excited to focus on being a good wife mother and homemaker again,happy -i told him that i have been feeling like he cant really be bothered with me,anger -i feel not having a generous spirit or a forgiving nature closes me off from accepting gifts from the universe,happy -ive been feeling mellon collie aka melancholy the past few days and i,sad -i remember feeling so thankful to be able to put my feet up and enhappy taking care of newborns right before id be able to take care of my own,happy -i feel badly about reneging on my commitment to bring donuts to the faithful at holy family catholic church in columbus ohio,love -i feel like i am now at an age where it is not as socially acceptable to hang with the guys haha and i have to force myself to make conversation with their wives girlfriends,happy -i cant give you an exact reason but the book left me feeling discouraged while the movie is uplifting,sad -im not excited to be able to dress in my style and to put on some lipstick but i feel determined to keep this feeling inside me,happy -i couldnt help but feel a little selfish for wanting her to stay but in relationships of this sort youd better get used to some premature goodbyes,anger -i get the feeling that im butchering a feeling that was as delicate as it was wordless but so be it,love -i have a feeling this will be a lovely little thing of a perfume,love -i feel so isolated cut off out of sinc,sad -i feel with every day have a sweet feeling,happy -i dont know what exactly i feel mostly annoyed and bored and upset and that kind of negative emotions,anger -i feel kinda cool,happy -im quite bored but feel intelligent for no real apparent reason,happy -i was still feeling distressed richie got another catheter bag he took off the old bag and connected the new one,fear -i was beginning to feel defeated,sad -i cant help feeling like something violent happened as soon as the cameras turned off wish i could find it on youtube,anger -im tired of feeling annoyed and drained,anger -i just cant shake the feeling that my impulse to add endgame bonuses or special actions would make a rather elegant game needlessly complex,happy -i mean i feel like i always have to be someone else for people to like me becuase they wont understand my sarcastic side,anger -i feel fully convinced that tattoos are allowable for christians,happy -i feel that if i surrender to what life has to offer me what life has to teach me then i can rest assured that it s all meant to lead to my ultimate happiness,happy -i heard that he still has feelings for me i make him horny and i believe he even made mention of hooking up but it wouldn t be fair to insert her here,love -i am asked to lead a prayer meeting i feel a solemn responsibility to prepare myself spiritually and to plan carefully,happy -im also eating much more nutritious food and feeling more energetic as a result,happy -i want to commit to continuing to post here once a week or so but i want those posts to only be about books i feel completely passionate about or have a diversionary story to connect to them that might make you laugh,happy -i feel as though i am boring or a bit dull because it is hard to keep up with her energy and i do not want her to get the wrong impression,sad -i like the three finger hands those simple details give it that otherworldliness feel again the paint choices while not terrible by any stretch of the imagination it doesn t blow me away and i would have liked to have seen these both in translucent blue,sad -i said earlier that the overall feeling is happyful happy thankful and that s spoken in just about every other post i have of mason,happy -i cant stop the happyful tears from flowing as i feel this sweet baby moving,love -i know what you feel like that when fake ones come i reject them without even knowing who you are,sad -i feel in love with a cute little maltese,happy -i said it when i read about people who are loosing more weight losing it quicker or who are just being generally more fabulous than me i feel envious,anger -i am feeling extremely devastated right now because ebloggy does not work just when the mental sewage system is clogged up its diarrhoea time and there is no virtual toilet paper in sight,sad -i want to share what happened when i asked my sister why all these bad things had been raining down on me because in truth i was feeling very low,sad -i feel shamed in a way but in another way i just dont care anymmore,sad -i feel like that i should be loyal to microsoft for the rest of my life now,love -i wanted to press charges against the people up the street and i guess he didnt feel like being bothered,anger -i don t always feel a bit homesick,sad -i was questioning myself and feeling nervous about being able to hit the targets,fear -i believe a publisher editor should bless his products with as light a hand as is possible and i feel that having my artwork on any of my chapbooks would strike one as being a little self aggrandisement and vain,sad -i was feeling adventurous so i decided to give it a new life,happy -ill especially feel like im going to pass out or throw up if im really hot and it comes all of the sudden,love -i did not realize how absolutely bad i was feeling with weight pain and the emotional toll until i was gluten free for weeks,sad -i feel like i knew some of it though so it wasnt a total bombing of the innocent,happy -i am feeling triumphant i bang my helmet hard into a beam that they all pass easily under,happy -i shake my hand off which feels slightly stunned from making contact,surprise -i feel thrilled when one of the students signs up on facebook and manages to locate me when it was just a few months ago we started computer lessons at the school,happy -i feel sure that were i placed into a spanish speaking culture where no one spoke english it wouldn t take me long to be able to converse on a rudimentary level but that s unlikely to happen,happy -i feel food smarter already and slightly annoyed calories counting is so annoying,anger -i feel really amazed at times at what ive come through in the past months,surprise -i feel my heart aching really,sad -i didn t feel amazed,surprise -i gotta feeling that tonight s gonna be a good night as i follow you home break in and hug you through the shower curtains as you shower,happy -i feel a positive responsibility to see this through to reward our efforts and to make sure were all proud of the end result,happy -i feel reluctant to go overseas one interesting fact is how the whole education system is so screwed up that to us ip seems so wow cus only a few schs get to go ip but to the schs,fear -i wrote words without really feeling all that distressed about it,fear -i pray that you will join me by leaving comments and ideas and leave each time feeling a little more tranquil and a little less stressed,happy -i keep reading more and more comments articles that are being posted about my very church my church that was established to show love to those who feel none to show hope in a hopeless world to show happy in places that knows it not my heart literally breaks,sad -im feeling rejected,sad -ive been hiding my eyes between tight hands raising my arms shouting and cursing and feeling passionate,love -i expected but it did feel hopeful and it definitely shed new light on her family,happy -i can offer is that i felt like reggie must feel a kind of carefree power except unlike her expansive drive it didn t last more than a second,happy -i understand now feel what my beloved meant when he said i wish there had never been anyone but you,love -i didn t consider that she maybe had difficulty in feeling accepted into a certain group of people and she was afraid of being rejected,love -i feel skeptical about relationships between others when they seem so upfront about there emotions,fear -i feel this isn t part of the agreement this isn t the casual friendship we built up to make being around each other bearable,happy -i feel a strong link to that in what i am doing now,happy -i feel sort of like a proud mama duck watching her chicks grow,happy -i am feeling more and more eager to get on with my move,happy -im feeling kinda grumpy so im going to post videos that cheer me up,anger -i have to force myself to do it because i am a missionary haha i feel like my personality isn t the perfect one for being a missionary,happy -i television of the feelings and so called suffering of the arabs whose homes are being inspected because of the chance they are hiding arab terrorists or something of the kidnapped boys,sad -i also feel ashamed at the hurt caused and ashamed at the things ive done that were not in my character and were down to being manic or whatever you want to call it,sad -im feeling disheartened and have not been looking for matthew guion pictures,sad -i feel that my husband should have been punished more for his addiction with porn not only that but with all the abuse me and our children have suffered from his hands,sad -i feel amused and free,happy -i feel anxious and off,fear -i feel like i just don t want to be bothered i just listen to music,anger -im feeling pretty on top of things,happy -i feel that i am smart person who thinks about things before i do them and i try to keep a level head on me,happy -i really didnt feel like going out at all but roger was very keen so we all went off to the big noise where my mood lightened slightly,happy -i am feeling frustrated or angry with my husband in general,anger -i feel like the th photo doesnt even look like him but its real cute so i had to share,happy -i am now feeling much more relaxed and settled in my life and am enhappying blogging just as much as i did when i first started,happy -i started to feel thankful for my bed,happy -i find myself trying to discreetly smell his breath but then feel guilty for being so suspicious,sad -i mean it was the same feeling i got around anthony and his dog weewee i know anthony probably has to give weewee up because he has dogs but that dog is devoted to anthony alone,love -i have that feeling most days of the week im sincere,happy -i feel my blog is getting a bit bombarded with beauty posts and i feel im boring you all what dya think,sad -i have a train case full of pretty make up and a drawer full of great hair products but each morning i feel bothered to do little more then lather my face with lotion before heading out for work,anger -i seem to remember it was gold dust not willy wonka style gold tickets but i m feeling generous and although i liked the new faceplate for me the redesign just didn t work,love -i can feel more productive,happy -im feeling generous ill show you when its done,love -i feel liked because people clicked like,love -im feeling uber romantic and lovey dovey this week,love -i know my willpower is stronger than my behaviour over the weekend and i need to focus on the happy and health that all the great food i brought with me gives and how i couldve if i really wanted to indulge indulged in that great stuff i know its not the same but i would feel amazing,happy -im tired of my family being so concerned about stevens man feelings when he does stupid shit that pisses me off like wrecking my expensive sweater and my pendleton blanket,sad -i can t help feeling a little punished for using a larger resolution,sad -i feel it is my sincere duty to rid you of that house that god scared into being built,happy -i start to lose that sense of independence in that i feel a lot more hesitant to do things,fear -i would have to get off and walk the hill which always made me feel terrible,sad -i never knew i could be so weak i couldnt even fight what i was feeling i knew i hated to feel that way yet i just let the emotions run free i acted waaay childishly like a child deprived of candies,anger -im not feeling quite as jolly though,happy -i feel like i have an ugly duck face when i see him,sad -i live in between my moments of sun sometimes i feel like a doll on a shelf or some perverse performing puppet,sad -i am feeling amazing,surprise -i somehow feel glad shes now in malacca with me my younger sis,happy -i was constantly amazed by the world building maybe because it came hand in hand with the gripping pace in the books i feel like there are your sections devoted to character your sections devoted to world building and specific small sections devoted to plot,love -i can feel the discontent sometimes for my connection is so slow,sad -im fine but i feel i have wronged someone,anger -im too used to having too many expectations and too much pressure put upon me to achieve things that i feel inadequate when i take it slowly,sad -i feel unimportant and small here lately,sad -i don t like orange but today i m feeling strangely sympathetic towards it,love -i cannot help but feel insulted that my master did not see the need to greet me upon my waking,anger -i almost feel hesitant to write about this it s a topic that s so near and dear to my heart,fear -i struggle with those pressures when i don t feel like pulling myself together when i want to toss a scarf over my messy hair and grab some milk at the store when i want to snarl at someone rather than do racism for the umpteenth time,sad -i feel as if there is anyone who really understands the insincere motives of females its me,anger -i know jack and he doesnt give up on men easy he just dumps them when he feels successful,happy -i feel shy now,fear -i feel and im amazed of how often i think i need to save the world,surprise -i feel a cold or sore throat coming on i simply use a onguard regime to nip it in the bud,anger -i was feeling calmer and more trusting on his restraints that he was helplessly trying to remove,happy -i go around people and i act normal but it feels strange,surprise -i tried to pretend that it was normal and unfortunately it was normal to feel unloved and afraid that terrible things would happen if i didn t smile and play along,sad -i am feeling all nostalgic i went on pinterest and found some great looking recipes for tomatoes and had to share a href http media cache ec,love -i have just moved here and already i feel welcomed,happy -i feel a little bit depressed for that reason alone,sad -i feel is most important and an issue often glossed over in education and clinical training is the mental health of the therapist,happy -i feel really strange about this,surprise -i was feeling very pleased with myself for having resisted the very strong urge to buy fabric,happy -i feel most vigorous while inspiration and motivation grip at my consciousness are also the times when physically i feel most dispirited,happy -i definitely succumbed to pre holiday sales but i feel good going into the holiday season i probably shouldnt say that though,happy -ill feel delighted,happy -i feel i should share with you this wonderful business concept that will change your life if like me you have little time to spend in the kitchen grocery shopping or browsing the net for new exciting recipes,happy -i feel frustrated cause i think i know whats best,anger -i am generally not a fan of tingling cleansers as my skin can be quite sensitive but this doesnt give me rashes or leave my skin feeling too irritated,anger -i will be happy when someone i know from across the internet feels happy as well,happy -i absolutely love working and the feeling of accomplishment i get from it but i am tangibly physically unhappy with the family life i am missing right now,sad -i suppose i feel neurotic about my birthday because i thought i would be established at this point,fear -i feel that the content i have in mind isnt really that great after all,happy -i do remember my left quad starting to feel strange not hurting yet an aggravating feeling about a week or two before the marathon,surprise -i have no idea what to do i have no idea how to help him and i m feeling pretty damn useless right now,sad -i hardly feel deprived,sad -i haven t been here for even a year yet i can t help but feel slightly disillusioned about the peace corps ideal,sad -i made her feel like crap and i said i hated her and i stopped loving her before the summer because shes never home anymore,anger -i feel rude if i bbm non stop,anger -i hate this feeling of helpless,sad -im now winded at the end of a tough rally but during the rally i feel good enough to stay in the point,happy -i feel quite distracted as mum told me that my paws werent looking their best so instead of a nap ive had to do another pawdicur,anger -i just feel rejected by him over and over which is just weird,sad -i from behind she could practically feel his outraging distress which amused her slightly,happy -i began to feel woeful as i stared into the abyss of goal less task less list less ness but luckily huda came to the rescue with in,sad -i can remember mailing my first notice of intent into the school board and feeling terribly rebellious and nervous,anger -i silently chant feeling the calm beginning to return,happy -i feel like im supporting a community that i love with each purchase,love -i say this mostly because i wasnt feeling so well later that evening,happy -i would definitely recommend reading this especially if you are going through some trying times or feeling a bit hopeless and overwhelmed,sad -i feel worthless and the precious time i lost is unbearable,sad -i do not know what to say here i could not get a feeling for this soundtrack it rather distracted me and did not seem to really fit,anger -i had been feeling resentful of my parents for some few hours,anger -i suppose it all goes along with feeling unwelcome and mostly being shunned,sad -im just tired of feeling bitchy and completely worthless,anger -i feel especially troubled is the fact that these israelis arguably constitute the section of society most inclined to reach a deal with the palestinians,sad -i feel like ive been so inspired and have been stretching myself in all kinds of directions but finally feel like setting down and going with the flow,happy -i do not know if ill ever get used of feeling inadequate in as much that ive always prided myself to be a person who have somehow already established himself in a cut throat industry where second guessing your expertise and decision can ruin global corporations,sad -i cant even describe to you what it feels like when suffering from a life threatening disease how easy it is to just give in and answer those knocks of death at your lifes door,sad -i feel like youve hated me ever since i was born and you wish i was never born,anger -i also feel the circumstances are out of my control and hostile,anger -i feel happy about this,happy -i feel like our society has programmed little girls to begin dreaming of having a prince charming a big wedding and a happy family at a very young age,happy -i manage feelings for prince charming and the boy,happy -i aimlessly do whatever i feel like doing with no sense of rhyme or reason and get easily distracted and start something else bouncing pointlessly without finishing what i started,anger -i have a feeling that she is going to be very annoyed with me by the end of the race because i am going to be more interested in taking pictures than paying attention to pace,anger -i started to feel a lil bit pissed off when i shared out advertorial by creating blog post or sharing in my social networking but there are some other people out there sharing out their adverts by asking people to click on those links,anger -i realized that clothing is made in all sizes and i do not have to look like a model to feel more acceptable to myself,happy -i never feel like it s actually dangerous but the sirens drown out the pogues and the reggae both about three times an hour,anger -i do what i do because it feels lame to go along with the customary flow,sad -im over having this feeling of doubt because i know that when he goes to his friends house there are a bunch of slutty chicks there,love -i always feel pressured when i play against someone,fear -i feel very privileged you did and i hope you stay awhile and comment if you want to,happy -i just need to swear off feelings caring relationships,love -i feel successful in balancing my paid work and family life or i am satisfied with the balance i have achieved between my work and life on a scale of to,happy -i was feeling fine,happy -i feel so hateful this morning,anger -i know have no problem meeting new people and feeling accepted,love -im feeling less adventurous,happy -im feeling generous lets make that winners and,happy -i feel what i m thinking so she can be reassured about what she means to me,happy -i will choose not to focus on him instead focusing on how i feel i will try not to focus on him and instead of being agitated by him i will choose to let the negative feeling go,fear -i feel sort of helpless,sad -i seek out a rejected love because i feel as though i dont deserve faithful and monogamous love,love -i love your style and feel very comfortable with your writings,happy -i just don t feel as impressed and as happy with things like i used to,surprise -i feel like the popular kid at school,happy -i have a feeling all these days of troubled minds are useless i will let it remain status quo eventually d,sad -i have a task i hate to do i put the kitchen timer on for fifteen minutes it makes me feel like i wont be tortured for long,anger -i feel like i have been sitting in this stupid chair for hours,sad -i have angel alone and although i feel a little more relaxed i know im still stressing majorly about travelling tomorrow and all of the things we need to do before tomorrow,happy -i feel reassured that if something happened to me my guests would be able to easily get the help they need,happy -i feel like im so spiteful so negative about everything and everyone now,anger -i am beginning to feel like a fabulous adult,happy -i feel the cool night air against my face,happy -i feeling so aggravated about all of this,anger -i don t feel all that romantic,love -i feel we are being very blessed,love -i gotta tell you for a while i been feeling gloomed and doomed and some ugly grey clouds been hanging round me,sad -i feel guilty for protecting myself when instead i should put more effort into supporting those around me,sad -i feel as though that talking for a month is acceptable but please pretty please get together after that,happy -i could think was i wonder how many days i have until i am feeling terrible,sad -i dont know what it is about me and sweets they make me feel bouncy and pleased with everything,happy -i feel it has damaged your relationship with tygerman and ours with each other,sad -i genuinely feel pertaining to him suffering from that stanley said,sad -i am breast feeding my newborn and was wondering how long will be breasts feel tender and super large,love -i did find myself wondering just how her stepchildren may feel about featuring so prominently in the book their relationship with valente is not always peaceful and harmonious and she does comment quite frankly on how they made her feel on occasions,happy -i knew my dress instantly last time because it made me feel special thats the reaction i wanted this time too,happy -i feel god calling me there and if he wills it i ll be a priest for him and the rest of the faithful,love -ive been told over and over im not allowed to feel unhappy,sad -i alternate between feeling embarrassed and excited that my almost teen sister and i share some similar interests in books,sad -i feel invigorated when i look at this image just as i did when i looked at the other two photos,happy -i almost feel as if i am paving the way to the more pleasant memory that prabhupada saved me and that my life now is real,happy -im feeling good i increase,happy -im feeling exhausted today,sad -im feeling pretty terrible ill health and life took over and i was unable to get my package sorted out and posted in time for which i,sad -i honestly was not sure if the pain i was feeling was a case of irritable bowels or indeed contractions,anger -i master myself and force some sunshine that i do not feel at all into my voice to indicate that this unfortunate lapse of several minutes is over and we are going to move past it start over try again,sad -im not sure why at i still feel as if i need to be socially accepted,happy -i love to be beside the ocean when i feel distressed,fear -i do wear diapers once in a while but only when i m feeling casual,happy -i feel like this semester has been good for me,happy -i want to feel emotions other than sorrowful ones without the help of drugs,sad -im lazy my characters fall into categories of smug and or blas people and their foils people who feel inconvenienced by smug and or blas people,happy -i feel gracious what about you,love -i sit six weeks into my sabbatical and i feel completely worthless,sad -i get projects where i am stuck and i feel so foolish when i have so many questions to ask,sad -i have a feeling that the robin that builds her next under our deck is getting pissed too,anger -i feel grouchy and i cannot think properly when i am deprived of food for more than two hours,anger -im the type of person where the sun helps me feel and the gloomy nature of rainy cloudy days makes me depressed,sad -i dont want to say the word problems and i feel like i know these will probably get resolved but man,happy -i think it goes back to never feeling accepted when i was growing up a learned internal diatribe i need to let go of,happy -i am feeling a little disheartened,sad -i feel your delicate fingers,love -i feel so amazing about taking this trip as i think ill finally be able to relax and feel comfortable at home and somehow just melt back into it,surprise -i still feel extremely helpless,fear -someone acting stupid in public,anger -i feel innocent on summer nights,happy -i feel impressed by the professionalism and specifications the maintenance sets itself,surprise -i had the feeling that i missed something as characters moved from place to place,sad -i am feeling a little stressed to think that the trip is so close to being reality,anger -i feel more and more convinced especially after a very rough last year that finding someone you love and who loves you wholeheartedly in return can change the course of your life and give the spice and emotional support to live it,happy -i feel so alone in the world with nobody to talk to to share my feelings with,sad -i started noticing then puzzling finally feeling a bit alarmed,fear -i feel it my solemn duty to warn you,happy -ive begun my fall semester and i feel thrilled,happy -i dont see how we can move beyond it but then rarely do i feel this uncertain about things,fear -i get really frustrated whenever i talk with them i also feel compassionate toward them because they believe so passionately in things that are just dead wrong and frankly dont make sense,love -i feel cheated and at another i feel ashamed to have missed such a glaring defect,sad -i think i may be feeling sociable,happy -i am feeling a little apprehensive but i m sure that will pass once i have the first treatment and with your prayers,fear -im back and feeling creative,happy -i do think about certain people i feel a bit disheartened about how things have turned out between them it all seems shallow and really just plain bitchy,sad -i don t need to drop feelings like a hot potato or slam the door shut on them,love -i feel little impatient especially thinking of who the scoundrel will be coming to impose his her their will on me,anger -i found out i was pregnant which is alot but it makes me feel a little less scared knowing that my doctor is watching everything and were taking things day by day,fear -ive read from others who have gone through similar circumstances it appears quite common and helps me feel less neurotic,fear -i haven t ran in a long time since my half marathon so my legs are feeling a bit shaky now,fear -i was not feeling up to it yet i blamed my fiances deployment for bringing me down,sad -i type i feel bouncy and excited to get out my ideas,happy -i experienced a v drink today which is supposed to give you boundless energy for a while though full of the cold as i am i didnt feel bouncy though h noticed my speech quicken after minutes or so,happy -i say but freedom i feel alone,sad -i will help you in setting the table picking up the dishes after we finish eating and if i feel particulary charming on that day will not pick at my food search for lizards in your house or come out looking green to my gills after having used your restroom,happy -i get ready to blog i feel so boring,sad -i feel pathetic because i shouldn t complain about these things when out there people are having really hard times and this is only bullshit,sad -i know i dont normally share other peoples give aways unless i feel very passionate about them,happy -i love feeling carefree and without all these nervous feelings shooting through my body like i just saw myself on americas most wanted,happy -im feeling a little groggy this morning since i am back at work after alex and i returned late last night from a long weekend in los angeles,sad -i worked as an editor and part of my job was to reject manuscripts i hated it because in those cover letters i could feel the writer s anticipation and longing,love -i was able to feel pretty,happy -i yori aoshi and possibly other stuff brought back a lot of old forgotten values and feelings i had towards a relationship if anything the innocent feel to it where nothing is complicated and its just about being with each other,happy -i get the feeling that theyll all gel together anyway because im too impatient to wait on change,anger -i was feeling playful so i made a little snowman he was only about feet but i thought he was cute,happy -i sometimes feel like i am being paranoid but i know that these thoughts are silly,fear -i would have depressions and feel like a burden to my husband who is supporting us,happy -i dont want to deny what i feel my body aching for,sad -i was so tired of feely lousy,sad -i know what i want will take next semester but i feel entirely too complacent,happy -i am struggling to enhappy the things i used to love i go out and surround myself with people despite that all i really want to do is isolate myself from everyone and hide under the duvet i feel lonely and apathetic to almost everything around me,sad -i just found out that my gut feeling unpleasant though it was was correct,sad -i remember sometimes feeling relieved to be around my grandparents and older people,happy -i feel threatened by people who actually learned stuff in college,fear -i asked her if she could feel her precious dogs soul,happy -i feel oh so irritable and then it all spins round again,anger -i feel like i dont need school to be intelligent,happy -i am so excited to meet her honored i get to carry her feel so special each and every time she kicks,happy -i feel agitated and anxious and just plain weird,fear -i knew that comment was insulting but i was so angry at being told how i should feel by those who hadnt a clue that i didn t care if they felt insulted,anger -i feel so embarrassed about my clothes when i am at school,sad -i didnt feel as if i impressed the motherlover,surprise -i never allowed myself to feel humiliated i had done nothing wrong and life was difficult enough without being denied any self respect,sad -im feeling the need to stop and make some delicious meaty pasta or something despite having gone out for a roast dinner earlier,happy -i feel sympathetic to the dalai lama,love -i will not convey all the relevant information perhaps because i feel intimidated embarrassed or too deferential,fear -i feel broke inside but i won t admit,sad -i feel embarrassed writing about it,sad -im feeling quite optimistic but im still keeping my fingers crossed,happy -i feel like such a crappy mom right now,sad -i left the game feeling a little devastated and sat contemplating my choices for some time afterwards,sad -i started to question whether or not i was on course because i was feeling that confused,fear -ive been feeling really gloomy about some situations in my life and im stuffing my emotions with good,sad -i guess i could say i was feeling pretty shitty like all the feelings ive suppressed from truc were starting to arise,sad -i was like ya i feel everything i m not numb at all,sad -i feel satisfied with one viewing for the moment,happy -i was feeling sorry for myself why me,sad -i was feeling on the upswing and mentally i felt well stable,happy -i feel generous and remain composed,happy -i always think about are act the way i want to feel so even when im grumpy i still need to act pleasant and happy and then i will start to feel more that way,anger -i could feel his triumphant smirk at my back,happy -i know what it feels like to be the popular boy band on top of the pops looks like were heading in one direction,happy -i feel like i should also mention that there was some content that i wasnt thrilled with either,happy -i didn t feel ecstatic after each workout or anything like that,happy -i feel really groggy today like my entire face and body is suddenly all thick and mud like,sad -i don t know i feel really helpless about it,fear -i feel hurt and i decide not to say that i am hurt but instead make up a story that takes the other person off the hook for being rude mean or unkind to me,sad -i am sorry if you feel offended by my humorous statement my friend,anger -i think i should ignre this feeling for the sake of our precious friendship,happy -i log on feeling vaguely sociable and after a short amount of time im all socialised out,happy -i get the feeling he was as surprised as everybody else when people started getting sick,surprise -im feeling rather listless right now,sad -i feel brave again tubing were even going to try ice climbing in nipigon and dog sledding,happy -i want to find peace because there are so many things going on in the world that affect so many others and i feel selfish for being so sad four years later,anger -i am suppose to be doing but i keep putting them off you know feeling inadequate and all that stuff,sad -i feel incredibly selfish to say it but i was lead to believe i could trust that no matter what i would have the attention and space i needed from the people i felt loved me,anger -i started out feeling amazing,happy -i hate him and the feeling is pretty mutual i find him obnoxious and he thinks im a bitch once again it has nothing to do with what happened and nobody thinks less of anybody because of it,anger -i it seemed like forever i want to put my phone life in knowing loving feeling seeing believing trusting and caring for her,happy -i also feel very nostalgic about all these highschool memories,love -i do feel more productive when the sun shines,happy -i feel for goes far beyond artistic reverence,happy -i feel spiritually invigorated if physically tired,happy -im feeling the christmas spirit so it seems like the perfect time to mention an idea ive had swimming around in my head,happy -im assuming the inquisition er did not mean subspace but more of a state of feeling very submissive,sad -i can say is that despite my occasional jokes to the contrary i feel its vital the modern reader understand that not every german was a devout nazi and many in fact detested the partys ideology especially academics and those who were forcibly conscripted into service like gunther and company,happy -i feel so dissatisfied angry and embarrassed,anger -i feel ok about this work because it is not so bad and it is not so good,happy -i was so depressing i feel like i broke up this was a week after she got engaged,sad -i was feeling restless,fear -im feeling terrific and in great shape im optimistic that ill heal well and quickly while remaining realistic that im going to feel fairly crap for the first week,happy -i do go for days as has happened recently i feel clearer and more compassionate,love -i feel more outgoing than ever,happy -i can t help but feel amazed,surprise -i don t always feel like i have amazing style and most days i choose comfort over anything else but there is one thing that i feel makes all the difference in how i feel about myself and that is makeup,surprise -i feel quite delighted at my tyre planter that just keeps on blooming away,happy -i feel a bit frantic today with everything i need to get done,fear -i feel like the little dorky nerdy kid sitting in his backyard all by himself listening and watching through fence to the little popular kid having his birthday party with all his cool friends that youve always wished were yours,happy -i feel pretty a href http unspokenwords keptinside,happy -i feel this so much more poignantly since the loss of our sweet boy oliver,happy -i left that day feeling a little dirty and wondering if i should morally take the class,sad -i still feel really shaken about the whole thing,fear -i hemmed and hawed over it and finally decided to fight it since the thought of it left me feeling so outraged and unjust,anger -i get this overwhelming feeling that i am truly blessed,happy -i guess in non metaphoric terms i seem grumpy unhappy unfeeling and bitchy,anger -i feel guilty that s why,sad -i have a lot of respect for this kind of photography more than what i feel towards that fake sort of thing consisting mostly of fog effects and girls who look just out of a lewis carroll s novel a genre held in regard by many emerging photographers,sad -i was feeling a little sentimental,sad -i dont know if it was because i almost got a feeling that he actually might like me or if it was because i got the feeling that he liked olivia,love -i was feeling quite grumpy when ajmed parked the jeep in front of yet another huge rock in the early dusk,anger -i was made to feel ashamed of who i was,sad -i feel insecure about my arms,fear -i wish that i d feel as dignified in my homeland as i do in every other country,happy -i feel that students in my classroom will enhappy and respect the opportunities to use their own artistic creativity,happy -i like the kickoffs to borrow an expression from an englishman i know because i don t feel rushed in the morning,anger -i feel my sweet boy traveling this difficult road alongside me,love -i feel rich for a special occasion i will buy crab,happy -i still wear it often especially if i am feeling anxious or worried about the future,fear -im fighting some sniffles that developed last night wasnt feeling the most energetic this morning,happy -i feel just like john from brave new world,happy -i allow that mormonism is crazy i feel like krakauer almost randomly chose a religion to pick apart and deem violent,anger -i was feeling crappy i still decided to go,sad -i generally refrain from putting friends bands up here mostly because i feel pretty goddamn weird about it but fuck it,fear -i feel terrific but won t hammer it home,happy -i am older and my life is very different i can feel how amazed i was that morning,surprise -i just want to stop feeling this terrified of the unknown,fear -i know is that i feel somewhat defective in the romance department,sad -i feel this way about blake lively,happy -i cant dos that leave me feeling helpless,fear -im feeling more hopeful today than i did yesterday,happy -i do things according to my own feelings intuition disturbed by tuitions studies sci volunteer corps hauntings dogs charmed guitar piano horror movies thrillers mysteries lame movies lame cartoons any songs with good lyrics music,sad -i dropped erik off feeling rather discontent with the evening,sad -i slipped out feeling a bit shaken,fear -i feel charming i feel whimsy,happy -i am sure he has no idea the way i truly feel not only am i immensely attracted to him but he is intelligent and we can actually enhappy conversation,happy -im starting to feel submissive by just admitting that,sad -i feel useless return false,sad -i wanted to pen it down for memory sake but i was still feeling extremely emotional days after the episode and had no idea how to start,sad -i am going to several holiday parties and i can t wait to feel super awkward i am going to several holiday parties and i can t wait to feel super awkward a href http badplaydate,happy -i wake up every morning excited about breakfast rather than feeling like i cant be bothered,anger -i feel that theyve suddenly isolated me into a corner of the past but its as if i have suddenly become a memory attached to a name on a phone list,sad -i will just say that i feel jealous and angry,anger -i think real men are those that open doors for you who behave chivalrously like walking on the sidewalk closest to the street to keep you safe who hold your hand and make you feel like you are treasured,love -i am feeling so violent i just fucking shuddered in anticipation,anger -i feel that with my superior vegan diet i should not get sick at all,happy -i do feel respected where i work though,happy -i feel amazed and surprised when the exact question i am trying to ask,surprise -i passed an exam that i was absolutely certain that i had failed,happy -i look in my wallet and i feel a cold chill,anger -i wonder what the other students in my classes feel of my being fearless to throw answers out there,happy -i feel strong for a few reasons,happy -i feel resentful in that i sacrificed alot for her for very little in return,anger -climbing a mountain to see a view,fear -im feeling very distracted today,anger -ive spent the last several days feeling irritated with myself because im not writing,anger -im on a double at work i wasnt feeling overly sociable when i met my new roommate so i hope she doesnt think im a complete bitch,happy -i feel but i m not convinced that twitter is the best tool for this,happy -i feel fucked tape re recorded,anger -i feel simply amazed when i look back,surprise -i feel a little damaged,sad -i was asked to do the illustration work for the second volume of the city of hell chronicles i was really excited but i couldn t help feeling a little apprehensive at the same time because as i have described before i m fairly new to all this,fear -im feeling incredibly grumpy today a combination of hay fever rain and the stress of our hopefully imminent move,anger -i feel assured that everything will be alright regardless of what im currently going through,happy -i was literally swishing around in the water feeling like a very unsuccessful drowned hamster,sad -i was feeling all depressed about fabric prices and about how much money this hobby costs,sad -i have got a feeling typhoon aint as popular as back then when solbi was in it,happy -i feel threatened because she attacked me in the arena,fear -i feel pathetic and uninspired,sad -i feel not just attracted to but completely enthralled and captivated by him like hes some kind of other worldly creature with nothing inside him but a really bright light,surprise -i feel like its rude to ignore people,anger -im feeling fabulous today because i love my job,happy -im tired of talking about myself i feel so vain i love it,sad -i feel there are very smart people that can count all these numbers but i am not one,happy -i mean obviously yes i did a hour round trip to perform for minutes and had a seriously dodgy chinese meal which has left me feeling decidedly delicate but overall i really enhappyed myself,love -i feel like an ungrateful asshole,sad -im not really feeling so whiney,sad -i wont say the insecure feelings are gone but if i feel shitty i just grab the card and read it,sad -i am surprised that she is shocked by what i have said and begin to feel dismayed as she becomes increasingly sympathetic in her responses towards me,sad -i wasn t sure what prompted the thought since i m feeling so blessed these days and the idea of giving up hasn t been a part of my thought process and rarely is in as long as i can remember,love -i get a day off from writing and feeling pressure to be funny and get to laugh at your stories and share some blog love monday is the wonderful a href http geremiafamily,surprise -i love this connection with the outdoors hearing the birds just returned from afar and my face getting nipped by the gentle chill of a spring breeze and feeling like im doing something productive,happy -i wish there was something like this when i was younger i had a hard time asking questions without feeling embarrassed or awkward,sad -i kept trying to feel shocked or depressed or somehow affected but i could not,surprise -i think this is because i feel as if it is unimportant to be out with people or talk to people because it seems as if i have little to say that is interesting,sad -im feeling positive but its impossible to describe the busy exhausted adrenaline filled craziness of having a preemie in the nicu,happy -i feel a little apprehensive about all of the grue activities this weekend,fear -i hate being the party girl because i feel like such a hypocrite because i always hated them,sad -i went to al anon amp talked to my sponsor about what ive been feeling lately amp my problems amp he assured me that i was making progress,happy -i guess all married couple have days every now and then when one partner feels like being domestically violent toward the other,anger -i feel foolish and miserable for getting drunk so easily,sad -i am feeling neglectful i feel like i should have stayed for a month or two but i could not,sad -i am still setting myself the challenge of painting roses in a way that i feel i am capturing their beauty and sweet perfume,happy -i really feel like i am very eager to destroy someones life and yet i always want to help everyone around me,happy -i just sank into feeling completely satisfied by the time it was done and oh the sex was super excellent because they had both been dying to get at each other so it had an edge of intensity both times and the build up made it worth the while even beyond how hot it was,happy -i feel blessed that i am allowed to take things for granted,happy -i was a little sprog and feeling all throw up y and listless and unable to eat mum would go okay think about this what in the whole world could you possibly eat,sad -i just don t understand the betrayal the lying the hiding and the making me feel like crap with comments of you re paranoid,fear -i am continually having to dig deep within myself to push forward to do more and right now im feeling an awful like its not getting me much of anywhere and all the extra energy has been completely wasted,sad -winning a rowing race at a karapiro regatta with other friends,happy -im still a little mixed on how i feel about him back especially because i liked the a href,love -i often feel like a traitor to my sex but i am assured by the fact that i feel i am helping men become better candidates for interaction,happy -i dont know why for some reason i feel really pissed off by this person ive supported for years,anger -im also pretty upfront about stating that i feel agitated and to just give me a bit of space to deal,fear -i have rarely left a meeting feeling more angry and upset,anger -i just didn t feel thrilled by the whole experience,happy -i feel a longing to begin and to be there even right now,love -i feel as if i am being punished for using your adsense and affiliate products and for the success of my website,sad -i feel disgusted by most people,anger -i still had the feeling and it surprised me,surprise -i started having that creepy feeling again like she still hated me,anger -i feel stumble a class content link href https plusone,happy -i don t feel disgusted with it by then it s safe to try writing,anger -i feel most vulnerable exhausted and plum used up i look up to the heavens and catch myself muttering pleading god be enough,fear -i feel disgusted that a situation like this had to happen in the first place,anger -i am tired of feeling more than someone else feels and being embarrassed that i said something that was not mutual,sad -i ignore peoples talking when i feel hurt already,sad -i was feeling a little unsure about my retro flowered piece,fear -i feel like he is kinda cute too,happy -i knew i didn t feel pretty enough for these clothes,happy -ive never had a maternal instinct a feeling of broodiness nor have the urge to say aww he she is so cute when an of course kicking and screaming little brat is in the room,happy -i actually feel a bit reluctant to really tell you too much about it,fear -i got everything squared away and was feeling fairly productive already,happy -i did a sketch of mikala and started working on panel four but im feeling particularly drained tonight,sad -i dont agree with this neo religious terminology or practice as i feel if one is to be faithful to a certain custom how is it believed that say a year old modification in commandment will be just as or more bona fide and sacred than its original gesture,happy -i think i have a right to know if my neighbour can t see if i m feeling envious or embarrassed or can t tell the difference between the don t walk guy from the walk guy,anger -i was and championed me to feel and be fearless,happy -i feel no i have not been the victim of a violent crime and no i have never had to deal with a girl being pregnant with my child,anger -i feel a little naughty whenever i wear such a colour combo,love -im feeling stupid feeling stupid coming back to you,sad -i am feeling pretty confident that on monday i will get up and slip in to the water at masters swim and enhappy my time with everyone there,happy -i like to eat chinese food to celebrate being with friends and french food when i m feeling romantic,love -that day i was alone at home after coming home from school i did not know where everyone else had gone,fear -i started this blog with pure intentions i must confess to starting to feel a little disheartened lately by the knowledge that there doesnt seem to be anybody reading it,sad -i am feeling not so cute and my clothes are kind of snug so its time to clean up my act,happy -i want a conditioner that will make me feel pretty and outgoing,happy -im not allowed to do anything outside of the house until ive lost weight until im thin enough to feel acceptable,happy -i feel like im being naughty coming home on a tuesday morning,love -i dropped back to sleep for an hour or two and had very realistic peculiar dreams which are now stuck in my head making me feel a bit dazed,surprise -i feel stressed out all the time i said and then i think about how people say stress causes cancer and i know it isn t true but i can t stop thinking that i need to relax or else my cancer will come back and then i get stressed out because i m stressed and it makes me feel worse,sad -i am in no way pessimistic but i often have to bite my tongue in the netherlands when i feel a sarcastic comment popping up in my head,anger -i feel far less lonely,sad -i feel the need to work on caring,love -i was feeling slightly more lethargic on the first two weeks but i was back to my normal energy levels this week,sad -i was doing less yoga and feeling more agitated by my impetuous decision,fear -i was sitting on my rear feeling proud of myself for being on top of my game for once i realized that i shouldn t pass up an opportunity to share something i ve learned from the men in my life that get to celebrate father s day starting with my dad,happy -i want them to feel as thought it is family friendly and will be enhappyed by all ages,happy -i do apologize in advance if you may feel offended,anger -i hate wearing watch but at the same time i will feel distressed if i dont know what time is it,fear -i feel so strong and i find a new way you never come back and i try to stay on the sunny side of life and i know that i will forget you i feel it deep in my heart no matter that you never loved me i do not regret the separation i welcome the new start,happy -i am feeling pretty relaxed though,happy -i am so honored to receive the award because i feel it s another step toward being welcomed into this incredible tradition of storytelling,happy -i think i spent too much of my young life feeling romantic to have much saved up for adult me,love -i woke up feeling groggy and in so much pain,sad -i feel safe around you and i never wanna lose you or let you go ever,happy -i feel so dumb about it,sad -i tell myself i dont open my mouth and say what i really feel because i know im a loon and im smart enough to know im a loon and i never ever know if what im doing the choices i make are really what i want or need or even the right thing or if its the disease,happy -i still dont know how i feel i hated getting wisconsin plates,anger -i came home still feeling pretty rotten,sad -im bored and feeling ignored,sad -im closer to the end of my road than to the beginning and i feel very tender towards myself,love -i feel so hopeless and unloved and unwanted,sad -i feel honoured and lucky to be the one making these images her,happy -im unsure if the color suits me ive become so used to either only wearing either nude brown berry or dark lip colors that i feel insecure wearing anything light,fear -i know what a car feels like when its running out of gas so i maneuvered to a blank spot in the parking lot and had myself a little think,sad -im just not mentally there but can still feel the itch in my legs to run and once i get out there im so glad i did,happy -i feel so eager to do things the way he wants and likes,happy -ive had in a long time and i feel fantastic about it,happy -i feel the need to preface this by saying that i am strongly in favor of keeping violent or otherwise inappropriate videogames out of the hands of minors and i believe that this is an issue that parents and the government need to work on together,anger -i think its cos its a bit stormy out i always feel irritable and uncomfortable when its like that,anger -i feel i cannot be loyal i should step down,love -i feel enough something way deeper and sincere than love,happy -i now know how bad it feels like to have someone disappointed in me,sad -i use to never ever kiss anyone but i ve kissed different people in the last week and a half and needless to say im feeling a but slutty,love -i wish there was something i could do sitting here in the midwest i feel so helpless,fear -i feel too greedy to actually ask them,anger -i have just finished my jubilation piece and i feel jubilant,happy -i feel pretty oh so pretty i feel pretty and,happy -im feeling a little apprehensive as we come near the time we go back to mayo clinic,fear -i thought to myself feeling amused,happy -i was feeling somewhat shaky and i know that i was experiencing the onset of the infamous bonk,fear -i still feel shaky but it is gradually getting better i have no idea what is going on,fear -im feeling generous so i think ill add a few more bonuses such as my santa babes from my gallery of perversion,happy -i am a big believer in the phrase that some people are all style no substance and i feel that if you have nothing worthwhile to say just dont say it,happy -i feel at this point i have to give some credit to my beloved former teacher ajahn brahmavamso as well as all other little and big gurus and lovers i had in my life,love -i feel most frightened,fear -i feel undeservingly lucky to be surrounded by their love and warmth,happy -i just act how i feel im becoming what ive always hated,anger -i feel so privileged to have spent so much time with him,happy -i feel strongly about amused,happy -i see you the light in the room brightens i get a glow in my eyes i feel ecstatic,happy -i feel it is a vital sentiment that should be cherished and further nourished for every seconds of my life,happy -i feel that perhaps an opportunity was missed to look a little closer at the individual stories of the indigo tribe in their offline state it s easy to see that with the hal sinestro antics and the william hand side plot oh,sad -i feel that getting the word out about free software is at least as important as getting the word out about sexual freedom,happy -i find it may be a way for me to release my feelings so that i am not troubled when i face the one who has punished my family,sad -i would pick out for myself but i will give them a try when i am feeling adventurous,happy -i always feel like im the least liked,love -i dont know i think her choice was the right one i do know how it feels to have to find a community in which you are valued taken seriously and appreciated,happy -i were not told of this news i would not feel regretful rather be unable to quiet my heart now,sad -i mean i am happy for others but how can a person feel ok with something when they themselves just suffered through a loss,happy -i tend to feel like my stove runs hot so i am either usually at lower temperatures than a lot of recipes suggest or shorter times,love -i just feel extremely stressed because everything is happening so fast i cant manage to get my head around it,sad -i am feeling brave i will attempt it,happy -i must say it was first numb then ouch my head feel dazed,surprise -i feel like i dont even know how to trust that im trusting well enough,happy -i cannot help feeling a little sceptical,fear -i start feeling smug that ive been good about writing posts i blink and then a month vanishes,happy -i feel i ve had more unhappy years than happy ones,sad -i came home looking good and feeling much more outgoing,happy -i feel that it is a little dangerous to let scientists be independently funded while working in these communal labs with no supervision or regulation,anger -i feel like if i continue i ll start the babble and bore the heck out of anyone reading so i ll just try to finish it with a few thankful thoughts,happy -i feel thankful to be strong enough and courageous enough to have taken the steps to change my life,happy -i feeling so agitated right now,anger -i suppose i ended up feeling that some of these clues were a bit too clever for their own good,happy -im also feeling brave enough to publish my thoughts about them again too,happy -i feel unbearably tortured knowing that im helpless i cant invade north korea and take down kim jong un i cant actually save the world,fear -i dunno it feels like you should be since she is the most god damn beloved character in the game right next to rinoa,love -i always feel guilty and come to one conclusion that stops me emily would be so disappointed in me,sad -im in the second trimester i feel amazing,surprise -i feel that my generosity is abused when you steal after visiting my home,sad -i have had i feel like there is not too much i can feel thankful,happy -i am feeling a bit discouraged but am hopefull the bees will know what to do,sad -i know i should write something but i m feeling a bit blank at the moment,sad -i feel that people often offer compliments not because they are sincere true but because they want the person to feel good,happy -i feel overwhelmed by the fast pace of cities,fear -i end up feeling lonely,sad -i feel shamed for me being me cuz xxx said that yes sometimes it s hard and its frustrating etc,sad -i feel naughty saying how beautiful it was feeling that heat on my bones yesterday,love -i am feeling quite apprehensive regarding this module as it will be the first time i ve dissected a human body wonderfully donated to the biomedical services of the university by generous members of the public and the first time i ve had to learn anatomy in detail,fear -i would buy something from tropical smoothie and eat half of it and then feel like i was disgusted to even take an extra sip or bite,anger -i feel disgusted and lose respect for them as a lady he said,anger -i feel so ungrateful to be wishing this pregnancy over now,sad -i feel grouchy at one point then it changes to a panic then to having this feeling like someone or something is after me,anger -i am sure im not alone when i say i am feeling drained from the events of the past week,sad -i am already feeling so tortured for having to wait for the results i need to sleep early coz i wake up at am these days,anger -i assure you marilla that i feel like praying tonight and im going to think out a special brand new prayer a href http www,happy -i feel so unpleasant gt lt,sad -im not sure how much each diploma will cost or if its even recognized in this country but its something to make me feel productive and add to my resume when the babys old enough to allow me to go back to work,happy -i am just making people upset and feel irritated,anger -i feel like they hated me but i m too scared to listen to the tape,anger -im feeling happy sad or angry,happy -i finally decided that it was partially due to the fact that i feel that the posts should have something important or at least interesting to share,happy -i had finished my first leg the toughest longest and hottest one of my three but i was not feeling so hot,love -i woke up this morning feeling not grumpy but just not in the best of moods,anger -i remember watching this as a child and feeling a bit outraged on charlie browns behalf when peppermint patty invites herself over to his house for thanksgiving and then gets angry when she doesnt get the meal she expects,anger -i feel mellow antonios,happy -i dont know why but i just cant help but feel this innocent yet awkward feeling towards her,happy -i couldn t help feeling curious about what looked like fishing tackle hung in an adjoining cubicle an outsize plastic mac and sou wester dangled over an enormous pair of wellies,surprise -i have often observed that at times when it seems i should feel something im surprised by how disconnected i feel to the people and world around me,surprise -i just love the way you feel and i wholeheartedly vote for adopting the gorgeous and healthy and scented amber queen lovely lady,happy -i wish santa claus was a real person cause i didnt feel as greedy when i was a kid and thought i was getting my loot for free,anger -i feel as though my descriptions are skimmable and unimportant,sad -i get this feeling that tells me its ok if you don t do it today you ll start again tomorrow when you have more energy,happy -i cannot imagine what african americans feel inside their hearts and guts when they see such a hateful image,anger -i feel inhibited from spilling my,sad -i still feel crappy ill take it as a sign that i need to get things finalized here for the kid,sad -i went to bed feeling less anxious and nervous than i had before that call and for that i was thankful,fear -i wont lie either i was feeling pretty superior as i was out there running knowing that very few people make a christmas day workout a priority,happy -im watching my sodium which mostly means im feeling stunned and overwhelmed at how much is in everything we eat,surprise -i lose it and make myself heard i feel like an idiot because i suddenly realize my point was either unimportant or unnecessary,sad -i got a lot of ideas and feel like the weekend had a very positive effect on me,happy -i am sure it will change a number of times before i am through but just at the moment i am feeling incredibly eager to get started if only all this other pesky university work would go away and start creating my fashion master piece,happy -ive been feeling kind of bitchy lately,anger -im feeling inspired today,happy -i feel like im not being loyal to my boyfriend even though i have not acted on my feelings for this guy,love -i guess we would naturally feel a sense of loneliness even the people who said unkind things to you might be missed,anger -i am feeling morose for i have been reading wuthering heights,sad -i feel ungrateful for stupid shit like,sad -i was willing to be honest with myself and put a name to what i was feeling i was shocked,surprise -i was feeling particularly discouraged at how little weve seen of him lately and i decided that i needed to stop being negative and instead refocus my thoughts and remember some of the many things we have to be grateful for right now,sad -im feeling hopeful about a great deal of things which is a good thing,happy -ive been feeling quite disillusioned with christmas this year,sad -i feel is love and peace acceptance and a gentle guiding an encouragement to have faith and stand tall regardless of human reactions and to rest regularly in the field of love within via meditation,love -i feel this way i do not just get to appreciate the amazing things i have right here and now i also get to dig up happy memories hidden back of my mind and i get to become inspired with hope for the future,happy -i guess this is a memoir so it feels like that should be fine too except i dont know something about such a deep amount of self absorption made me feel uncomfortable,happy -i feel so beaten down and defeated,sad -i have to be overactive and stressed out to feel like i m actually doing something useful,happy -i feel that i am not valued i am under paid and worked like a slave unfortunately this is not just a personal feeling,happy -i have also been getting back into my gym routine so im feeling positive about this now,happy -i couldn t help but feel as if rin was not as strong as a protagonist as isi enna or razo i did end up finding a lot to like in forest born,happy -i feel such a longing to be near him when we dont,love -i dont know whats wrong with me i try studying but i just feel like im fluffing around and getting distracted all the time,anger -i agree with that overall life philosophy but sometimes people and even kids need their negative emotions acknowledged so that they don t feel ignored and negated in what they are truly feeling,sad -i eat or sleep i cant get myself to feel the life loving energy i felt so easily before,love -i am feeling very irate right now because i have to wait for another one fucking month just to get my hair done,anger -i feel frustrated that i cant answer questions for distributors or customers,anger -i could get fucking stuffed in fucking chocolate without feeling weird and fat do you have troubles sleeping at night,surprise -i feel like im being punished for something that i didnt do,sad -i dont give a fuck because i feel like i cannot elicit any positive change or shifts within my current client load,happy -i wrote this article because if the extroverts can become more educated about introverts introverts will be able to feel free to stay true to who they are and that s a good thing from society s point of view,happy -i severed i feel suddenly empty much smaller and oh so tired,sad -i resisted doing because i didn t feel it would be acceptable and one of the group leaders encouraged me to do it anyway,happy -i could feel myself getting calm and feeling better,happy -i am feeling a little happy with him,happy -im feeling very bitchy about this episode in general,anger -i am feeling inspired,happy -i forgive stanley hes not so quick to forgive as well and accuses me of making a foolish mistake and making him feel unwelcome in our apt,sad -i the only wife that consistently feels inadequate,sad -i feel selfish for praying through things,anger -i feel excluded and worthless my connection to everyone summarily cut off,sad -i am awake again early enough to see the dark of the night turn to the soft half light of dawn and feel the cool breeze change from a misty foggy coldness to a freshness which heralds a nice day,happy -i do feel pressured to do this though,fear -i just sit and feel thankful,happy -i have been out there over the last few weeks i experienced for the first time a feeling of loving the actual act of running of pushing my daughter in the jogger of getting outsprinted by my wife although this would happen if i was in top shape anyway of having cold air nail you in the face,love -i feel this game is so precious to everyone not only to the players,happy -i wonder maybe he has this awesome excuse and i will feel even more idiotic when he tells me it but i know he wont tell me it because he is not gonna call,sad -i think hes well aware of the internets reactions to gates and igle leaving and i imagine hes probably feeling a bit apprehensive of fans reactions to his work,fear -i feel strangely sympathetic towards the citizens of the capitol for some reason and the cast s overall chemistry was good the look and feel of the movie was great and i found the story to be engaging and interesting enough to be watchable,love -im glad i feel this way because if i didnt then id know that i had finally hit that point of not caring about anyone or anything,love -i feel that my charlie card is much more valuable than my credit card,happy -i just feel so fucked up by everything that the only place i can confide and spill my emotions is here because there isnt anyone like you,anger -i think for once i feel quite content at the moment and free of worry,happy -i am writing this on a sunday evening feeling considerably more relaxed well sort of than i did this time last sunday and also at the end of what has been a long stressful but ultimately rewarding week,happy -im not feeling very festive this year,happy -i hate this feeling to see you that way youre so talented yet you cover yourself you locked yourself,happy -i feel like love should be messy,sad -i have posted thus far and keep up with what else is to come please feel free to a title celeen gallery amp gifts facebook page href http http www,happy -i hope that they can tell a difference and that i feel less tortured by the experience,anger -im feeling nostalgic about listening to this kind of music again,love -when i was walking around all alone at night,fear -i know i know you have looked at these pictures and are likely not feeling too sorry for us,sad -when my grandmother died after a long illness,sad -i feel humiliated this weekend as my children ran wild,sad -i was feeling very bah humbugish coming out of this year s thanksgiving weekend and was not thinking pleasant christmas thoughts about the gift giving guilt trip conspiracy run by the marketing racket the decorating and the whole thing in general,happy -i feel i am on an emotional roller coaster,sad -im feeling pretty pleased with myself,happy -i came to tv stations for first debut stage i feel like it was an happyful miracle,happy -im feeling kinda horny so i just booked a flight from burbank to los angeles,love -i am feeling uncertain about anything that we can have an open dialogue about it,fear -i find myself feeling so lost and desperate because of the things that happen every day but being a human of course i have times where i just cannot be comforted,sad -im feeling a little mellow right now i have to admit that im actually feeling pretty low key and happy,happy -i feel like someone needs to invest money in it because it could be gorgeous,happy -i feel wonderful shayla admitted,happy -im feeling confident that im back on form,happy -i obviously wasn t feeling particularly friendly and neither was i but we said yes anyway,happy -i feel like this is a little timid on the part of these writers,fear -i feel about petty games,anger -i wanted to feel about our wedding and i hated that i felt resentful of what is supposed to be a happyous and celebratory occasion,anger -i feel privileged to meet true heroes male and female yet by the masses unsung the world is full of heroes of heroes old and young,happy -i feel a bit sad that todays youngsters will never get to experience the bit of culture that my generation and those before it did,sad -i might do some self analysis just to maybe show you all how to do it yourselves if you want to or i ll talk about certain activities or exercises that will help you feel better or become a better person,happy -i have been met at the airport and taken under lucy s wing to feel welcomed and looked after,happy -i told my dad i would make him a wall hanging for christmas so now i feel a bit more confident with making these stars to head into that project,happy -i find that despite the fact that i feel like i really liked this book i certainly read through the entire thing like i had a physical need to find out what happens next i cant think of anything to say about it,love -ive seen a lot of seizures but never this many at once and of course i always feel totally helpless,fear -i feel a little lame admitting it because these are not high ticket price items however i didnt want to buy both so i had to make a choice,sad -i feel stronger clearer but a little annoyed not quite sure why,anger -i am looking forward to how amazing it makes me feel i will probably post more details about it in the coming days for anyone who is curious about this nutty thing we do on occasion,surprise -i am not always feeling creative,happy -i just feel enraged and impotent seemingly unable to enact the change i want to see,anger -i just wanted the dark of night to swallow me up into the depth of sleep similar to a coma so as not to feel and endure the suffering deep within,sad -i am less in shock and currently feeling insulted about being hung out to dry this past weekend burning his things seems a pretty fair rewards for my unappreciated grace under pressure,anger -i owned yet did not feel fully welcomed i decided to reach out to hans among others sending an email to his old inbox even though we had not communicated in over ten years,happy -i am so thankful for my dream i started drawing again made me feel talented and framed my dream i can go after whatever i want,happy -i feel a strong shift recently,happy -deception from a person i loved very much,anger -i won t feel like there would be a dull moment with him,sad -i also get this as another take home message you need to push your own limits do things that make you feel uncomfortable that scare you,fear -ive spent a good chunk of the day feeling quite agitated in a taut way as though it wouldnt take much for me to really snap and chew someones head off,fear -i feel ok with nothing sexually or whatsoever going on,happy -i am good at what i do at helping and reaching kids that are often shrugged off as aggressive not worthwhile or unpleasant makes me feel useful,happy -i leave class feeling more confused every week,fear -i must say that i do feel better in myself and im really excited about reaching views for my beloved blog i love wearing tights,happy -i have a hard time caring about the family of the main characters although the early seasons close attachment to dons marriage made bettys stories feel worthwhile because she was being lied to be an identify thief,happy -i feel like they think i hate them or something and its just weird,fear -i enhappy going to churches acquired there feeling is always so peaceful and tranquil thats why ive had a wish to visit pochayiv monastery and without comments it was really worthy,happy -i feel so ungrateful when thinking saying these things but im not sure how to make myself better,sad -i brought to his attention tonight is i don t feel that he is very considerate,love -i cant get sleep she said irritated i am feeling cold,anger -im not going to lie it feels really weird to be writing this right now,surprise -i wear this i feel really radiant and i think the glow is the right amount of shimmer so that its stand out but not overly glittery or shiny,happy -when i broke my leg i felt fear,fear -i feel incredibly mellow and spacey,happy -i and others feel when angry is a huge wave of relief from what we previously felt sitting in the dank room of fear and powerlessness,anger -i feels at all bitter over his treatment he gave no indication on monday night,anger -i really feel hesitant,fear -i feel threatened and my sense of security feels threatened i freak out,fear -i do hope youre all feeling fab,happy -i was out the exit door feeling strange because at the last stage the entire thing seemed to slip out of my hands like a slippery fish and also hopeful that i know what to do and if i can look at it positively it means just one more trip to retry,fear -im old enough to have experienced lots of the stuff that jake encounters in albeit as a child and it jives with and jogs my recollections and induces a feeling of longing for older simpler times,love -ive already noticed that ive lost weight i feel lighter and more energetic and i feel happier,happy -i was feeling fine until whammo,happy -i don t like it when things feel as if they re being rushed,anger -i had a good feeling about the presentation and the reactions from the audience were fine,happy -i sat in the car and read my book which suited me just fine i also wasnt feeling very sociable that morning due to a rather bad nightmare the night before so reading my book was the best thing to do,happy -ill watch either the firth version or if im feeling adventurous ill watch the fictional fantasy fulfilled version of it a,happy -i feel so disturbed and unsettled that i m not sure what to do at this point,sad -i feel that it was a good investment to make this building into a restaurant,happy -i feel terrible that i am not consumed by guilt,sad -i do what i can to still feel like a valuable member,happy -im sure there are situations when this happens with the older crowd i feel its dangerous to do online dating when youre young,anger -i feel completely blessed to be a part of this group,happy -i feel so foolish and cross with myslef,sad -i do feel stressed i have a bunch of tools in my pocket to fight back with,anger -i feel like im perpetually half watching a sad movie,sad -i saw that there were more stones jackie was standing there a certain way i can sense that she was feeling a bit agitated,fear -i usually increase the font and maybe if i am feeling brave change to a non standard font style,happy -one afternoon,fear -i realize that while i am feeling generous i should definitely get myself some shoes it has been over a year and i do not have any for the fall,happy -i feel like we each have voices and we are each eager to hear what the other has to say,happy -i feel grouchy,anger -i feel so lucky that my mom is alive and i get to talk to her daily and,happy -i need not feel annoyed that they beg but rather love them and feel compassion that circumstances have compelled them to resort to begging,anger -i feel like if you shop smart you can still add a few things here and there to your wardrobe without breaking the bank,happy -i feel embarrassed even typing those absurd words now because the truth is that my son has been living on our countertops since we brought this puppy home two weeks ago,sad -i cant be sure if i subconsciously feel abit guilty for arguing with my mum,sad -i spent the last two weeks feeling very afraid,fear -i feel so ugly fat and lonely,sad -im feeling quite well acquainted with,happy -i want a relationship where partners empower each other not feel burdened by their histories and eccentricities,sad -im feeling slightly more graceful in the ballet of it all but thats always temporary,happy -i was feeling pret t y tender let me tell you,love -i was feeling a bit skeptical about my frog prince,fear -i feel its been very successful in doing that,happy -i feel relieved when she goes to bed because shes worn me out but im always excited to get her out of her crib the next day even when she wakes us up earlier than we want,happy -i feel like if your going to fall in love with an object then you need to at least make it a useful one like a vibrator or a dildo,happy -i want to do those things while im still young and feel a little fearless,happy -i can sometimes feel the stares i get when i dont show the tears or emotions in a tender moment or even in a difficult time,love -i go closest to feeling the happys when i am physically beside friends i adore and am spending precious quality time together,happy -i am feeling extremely disturbed and distressed,sad -im feeling apprehensive about it,fear -im feeling very jaded and uncertain about love and all basically im sick of being the one more in love of falling for someone who doesnt feel as much towards me,sad -i get up to refill my coffee and feel that pleasant and familiar ache it reminds me how much i miss the whole body conversations you can have when you re sitting on a good good horse,happy -i said before i feel like a hypocrite advocating for diabetes support and awareness without supporting my own situation,love -i feel as if is useful,happy -i feel ugly so i must be,sad -i am feeling a little stressed about my book club coming up and dont know how im going to fit people into that place,anger -i did not directly react to the spot fixing controversy she espressed her feelings feeling on twitter by tweeting the lyrics of a popular bollywood film song,happy -i feel idiotic calling again though,sad -id been feeling a bit curious,surprise -i feel a lil bit gloomy,sad -i feel extraordinarily horny like fucking a great deal of people,love -im feeling really sentimental about things that are kind of far away from happening yall,sad -i just feel you so so don t be afraid i should hurt even more and pray again so i can find you again the more time passes the more it hurts i need you go back in time just one time forgive my sins if only i could turn things back this pain would be so so sloth,fear -i feel like i come from a pretty innocent happy go lucky idealistic mindset that i feel like make me not such an ideal candidate to help those in the church fully understand who they are in christ and how they can live for him,happy -i have found my core i even painted it and it is a beautiful glowing warm place that i see and feel as this gorgeous orange energy,happy -i just finished watching the desendants and young adult and im left feeling strangely blank,sad -i feel that being faithful isnt enough in your eyes,love -i feel a bit dissatisfied,anger -i feel like you think im heartless and honestly im really not not about this,anger -i know i cannot rest of my laurels and its a a way of life now otherwise my bg will rocket again but my god it feels super good to know that i have made a massive difference in only months,happy -i always feel scared when i see a cop instead of feeling safe,fear -i also feel paranoid and anxious,fear -i want to wake up every morning and feel excited about what s to come,happy -i remember wandering down a back road with my father sitting on my throne watching the trees whiz by feeling the rumble of our bike beneath us like a contented giant cat,happy -i wouldnt feel suspicious for muslim terrorist like to blow things up hijack planes kidnap use bio warfare and shoot,fear -i called this ward member and she said that shed been feeling really unhappy today,sad -i was still feeling distraught about the lack of progress on the baby front as well,fear -i had applied for a job and they had assured me that the exams would take place a few months later a week later i went to obtain some more information and they told me that the exams had already taken place,anger -i do is send that heavy energy down into her as an offering and i keep the piece on the ground until i feel that that energy has drained out of it into the earth,sad -i want as much of you as you are willing to give me and i plan on making you feel very generous,happy -i feel this is entirely in vain,sad -i want nothing more than to continue this journey empowering women who because of their illness feel helpless and isolated,sad -i feel very very rich and fulfilled and a part of the grand scheme of the universe,happy -i got outside i beat myself up pretty bad mentally of course for not going with my gut feeling but again i was hesitant b c ive never done this before and that was actually my very st time meeting with a seller and feeling good about a particular property,fear -i don t feel sorry for wisdom i know how many sleep hui live to be now and enthusiasm for the new china s socialist construction work,sad -i was feeling extremely whiney and lonely and sad,sad -i feel isolated and overwhelmed this lie can cause me to abandon any project that a class zem slink title god href http en,sad -i mean i feel even more disgusted at myself after ive moved here when im usually just disgusted at the human race in general something like that,anger -i cant even believe that i have reached a half century young and feel so terrific,happy -i add ciaran and his feelings into all of this it becomes a very messy oozing and uncomfortable topic,sad -i don t feel they re being rude or impudent,anger -i feel horny tonight a href http www,love -i am working to create a nice community page for you guys so you can connect easily without feeling awkward about approaching people,sad -im feeling rather nervous,fear -i am going to feel for caring so much and letting people in my world then this shall be the last time i am doing so,love -i think my mother told me that they feel threatened where they live,fear -i feel like everytime i blog i am relaying a story about the wonderful food that i had to sit and admire but its a big deal,happy -i have a feeling some violent surprises are in the offing,anger -i wake up feeling like irma my handsome husband always reassures me that i am no irma and that i must take myself off head high to buy some shoes,happy -i feel an overwhleming desire to say something completley moronic like hope your new year is a kick,sad -i feel we have ignored the talents achievements and skills our our female politicians instead seeking moreso than male politicians to concentrate on their pasts,sad -i have been given appointments with oncologists and radiologists per protocol following breast cancer surgery i have to admit that i feel strange,fear -i feel a flare of anger because it still pains me to think of mal being abused like that but i can t help wonder now if he might be right,sad -i started feeling bad i began taking zicam and it seemed to help for the first week until the day i was driving to the race,sad -i feel i cant breathe at times but its the cute nervous where you know this person is the one you should be with because you dont feel it with anyone else,happy -i still had the feeling something weird had just gone down,surprise -i felt a sense of relief that i could feel again even though it was unpleasant,sad -i just feel gassed and low energy,sad -i started feeling funny last monday i just knew i was pregnant,surprise -i would plea all the emerging law students and lawyers and common people like us who feel they have to be punished should raise their voice and protest,sad -im not sure what will come of this decision but im feeling excited to participate again,happy -im feeling appreciative of the physical world around me and if there are other riders in sight i often admire their physical stamina and riding style,happy -i bike back to my neighborhood and stop by a mall near my house and pick up a rmb tool set and take my monitor apart lcd wireless card bluetooth card isight camera so that i can bring them just the monitor casing heh i m feeling clever at this point,happy -i feel like it would be a terrific example for any other gross disgusting animals of gross disgustingness where i stand on the geneva convention,happy -im feeling generous today oh man all of my fave clothing items are going to be widely known after this i am going to list a few other womens clothing sites that nearly my entire closet lives off,love -i am so sorry for you to feel heartbroken when this should be a happy time in your life,sad -i feel terrible for never really listening to the women who had told me it was hard for them,sad -i know how much work goes into the creation and i feel the author deserves a chance to prove that their work is worthwhile,happy -i feel a strange type of peace with this go around that i never felt with ally,surprise -i feel really dumb and stupid for doing this,sad -i suffer this kind of exhaustion i feel useless,sad -i still didnt feel satisfied with and about myself,happy -i really feel entertained and informed when i listen to it,happy -i kept all the money then i would feel greedy,anger -i know i sure do and i m feeling festive,happy -i feel as devastated as i do right now i cannot imagine how her family feels,sad -i am feeling really adventurous,happy -i feel i would stop trout class delicious title share this on del,happy -i thought it would be a good time to check in on weasel nation to see how they were feeling about their donut loving coach and their floundering football team,love -i feel this gentle desire to treat my body differently like a pregnant woman whose in the process of giving birth to her new self,love -i was really starting to feel discouraged,sad -i often feel dissatisfied when i don t have at least one project going on,anger -i believe that im love i believe that youre love i believe that all life experiences and emotions are inspired by and exist as love even experiences and emotions which feel fearful,fear -im feeling discouraged sad angry afraid of tomorrow ect,sad -i am fighting with all my might to not feel defeated from the sinus allergy situation,sad -i go home feeling simultaneously gutted and determined,happy -i feel peaceful and prepared to face the day,happy -i feeling soo agitated,fear -i feel like an obnoxious american in the amazing race not discounting on people who cant speak english,anger -i feel a bit intimidated by,fear -i am feeling unsure of how to handle a new phase one of my kids is in or feeling badly for how i ve handled a situation this book is a clear reminder for me that my job is to help teach them each how to make good decisions,fear -i feel personally ashamed that god made the sacrifice he did,sad -i couldnt hellip even when it made my heart ache to simply look at you hellip because i loved you so much and i knew you would never return my feelings hellip and i couldnt bring myself to hate you for the idiotic stunt you pulled in the other room either though i do ask that you dont repeat it,sad -ive come to appreciate in the uk where the general lack of chilli and other spicy foods usually leaves me feeling somewhat appalled,anger -i feel honestly sorry for you,sad -i was feeling hesitant to part with any more money after my spendy trip to melbourne i chose instead to modify my existing copy of a href http www,fear -i didn t leave feeling sarcastic and annoyed at having to treat someone as though they re better than me,anger -i am actually quite likes this kind of busy feeling just because i am forget every unhappy things then i wont keep on think of it,sad -im feeling so lethargic and these shows are keeping me amused,sad -i feel depressed i am in despair why does it have to be this way why didn t they start treatment earlier,sad -i feel that he s being sincere when he says that he does love me but there s this whole other part of me that keeps telling me that he still loves the other girl,happy -i feel like there s a reason to buy another tom petty record,anger -im feeling very curious ill pull out geology maps,surprise -i feel like im being punished for existing,sad -i compare my insides to other people s outsides i feel inadequate,sad -i feel as if he was getting beaten to areas of the ice a defenseman shouldn t,sad -i feel everyone should be valued at their worth and must have their primary rights,happy -i feel that if this issue isn t resolved it may result in people abandoning this wonderful plugin,happy -i would feel really dumb,sad -i was still feeling bitchy not sad,anger -i feel like it s totally vain and totally necessary at the same time,sad -i feel jaded about everything,sad -i feel a petty sting of worry that i wont have tv reception for the breeders cup,anger -i feel so impressed by a dental work in front of me as well as a cost which we am deliberation suicide,surprise -i feel a little vain i guess but last time i did this i seriously composed a a href http inthewarmholdofyourlovingmind,sad -i woke up feeling artistic ish,happy -i have a feeling the googler in this case was again dissatisfied with his search results,anger -i feel less hesitant predicting that the oeuvre of nick dewitt will continue to bear fruits that seem to come from distant times forward and or back,fear -i am nowhere perfect but i feel helpless to save my family because they are so far away,sad -i have a feeling that alot of people think and feel this way and im sure its just apart of growing up,happy -i feel that perfume ought to last all day long and never having to reapply which is certainly not the case with dorothy jessica parker s lovely,love -i mulled this idea over in my head as much as i loved it i also noticed myself feeling a bit hesitant about what it might mean for her our,fear -i left feel serence and impressed by the man he is,surprise -i prevent them from inevitably feeling insulted when i tell them that life here just isn t enough for me anymore,anger -ive explained that he is very creative and loves to makes things and i feel that he is very smart and intelligent and he is lacking in some areas that i agree with,happy -i feel like im not gonna lie im really surprised that i feel like i should share this,surprise -im only trying to tell you exactly how i feel beeeeeeeeeeeing this sincere,happy -i feel so respected now,happy -im in college and feeling really lonely,sad -i really want to watch it for the obvious romance reasons and i have a feeling like it would be a really funny kind of drama too i can also somewhat relate to the female main character who works with this boss who has a lot of pride and is a bit what you would like to call him as cocky,surprise -ill dream about sol and wake up feeling distressed,fear -i would really like to think this is all going to work out and that there was just some mistake made but im feeling pretty doomed here,sad -i feel like i am in paradise kissing those sweet lips make me feel like i dive into a magical world of love,love -im at work and hes at school most likely feeling like garbage and suffering through his day when he really should be home snuggled up in bed with his mom making him chicken soup for lunch,sad -i love to hear from my friends so feel free to leave me a comment,happy -i feel like the moment i see him is the most precious time,happy -i feel it in the knot that forms in the back of my throat i feel it in the pit of my stomach i even feel it in my hands as they begin to go numb when my thoughts dwell on the particular shame filled topic,sad -i feel reassured when i listen to waldmans songs,happy -i just love the polar bear in the back ground feeling a little camera shy at the moment,fear -i feel vain today,sad -i feel deeply honoured more than anything,happy -i told my baby to kick or move so that daddy can feel you like i always do and of course my cute little cupcake did as i told and hubby woke up from his sleep and we just laughed,happy -i could go on and on right now about what weve been through this year and what ive learned what micah could do when and such but i wont because this would be a book and honestly im not feeling fabulous today and micah has been dealing with a giant cold since thursday and we are wiped,happy -i feel appalled at my sadness and hurt,anger -i feel free i feel freedom,happy -i feel that he was being overshadowed by the supporting characters,love -i often feel embarrassed for amount of time spent preparing for practice and games as compared to lessons,sad -i confess to struggling this weekend many times at the end of the day i would feel sad and whine to my af adorable fiance that i waaaant to eaaaat,sad -i will share my home my life and what i feel is gorgeous fun and noteworthy all the while tracking my existence day to day,happy -i feel a bit bitchy today lt take a look its free and it doesnt concern you so i was reading the critics for mamma mia,anger -i feel like a rag doll badly abused,sad -i am afraid of my emotions because certain people cause me to feel assaulted by feeling and i just get hammered by their waves as if i am an tempestuous ocean raging and only god knows why,sad -i could feel the depth and richness of the hot pot starting to develop but every small event took me away from gathering the heat to speed along the process,love -i am frankly surprised that you consider the minds of the quorum members weak and susceptible to doubt and furthermore im surprised that you feel that their faith in the church could be shaken by the letter i posted on my blog,fear -i feel like i m going to become sleep deprived even though there s only two days left of going to school,sad -i get the feeling of the idiotic girls i see everyday at school,sad -i do feel that being the wife mother submissive that i am are all tied together i am not offended by the idea that i am submissive to my children,sad -ive also been feeling depressed lately because of things that even i myself cannot understand,sad -id told him about my private session with cn was that it was remedial sparring help so i was feeling a little unpleasant pressure from the beginning to pull off something spectacular and it was difficult to try to relax,sad -i don t feel i need to stop being festive,happy -i am feeling overwhelmed i dont feel hopeless to often but i do cycle through frustration anxiety and sometimes anger that i have to go through this,surprise -i feel dazed and empty and like somthing is missing in my brain,surprise -i feel personally hated when i read their poems,sad -i feel like texans are some of the most friendly and genuinely kind people you will ever meet but i still have my issues of old attitudes that just don t change nearly quickly enough for my taste,happy -i spent most of the first day feeling pissed off thanks to the tourism and hospitality workers who trump thailands comparatively feeble efforts to fleece gullible white people,anger -i experience genuinely great i feel delighted,happy -i was feeling very spiteful and was only encouraged by this bit of information,anger -i need the damn thing to suddenly animate and dance a jig while singing i feel pretty oh so pretty,happy -i feel like this sums up the vanity of humans funny pictures funny quotes funny memes funny pics fails autocorrect fails,surprise -i think youre being a dick bitch id just walk away instead of laying out everything i feel when im pissed i shut down and look out the window in steely silence,anger -i scare myself so much with these dreams wake up feeling out of control and convinced that ive hurt somebody,happy -i am feeling much better and thought i should get going on the blogging front,happy -i became attached early on and feeling the decline in the relationship scared me,fear -i do connect with a family and feel my work is valuable,happy -i feel defeated conflicted poor lonely rejecte,sad -i zapper controls seemed to feel the most user friendly and you could easily access everything with them,happy -i feel like im heartless cuz a week after my boyfirend of months broke up with me i was thinking about another guy,anger -i touched them and boy did they feel weird like jelly,fear -i feel i m so emotional and messed up that i can t even think about writing in this blog and so i get out of the habit and months go by and comments go unread and suddenly i forget how to do this,sad -i am now in cyprus seeing my timeline so visibly and i ask myself why do i feel so stressed at home when i could feel so relaxed like i do now,sad -i got a very nasty electrical shock when i was tampering with some electrical applainces,fear -im so full of feeling i can easily believe i must be sentimental,sad -i feel about any other part of pride i still believe in what dykes on bikes stand for and am still proud to lead the pride march because of it,happy -i feel that i can t trust my mentor with secrets because i am afraid that he or she would tell my parent guardian,fear -id let you kill it now but as a matter of fact im not feeling frightfully well today,happy -i feel blessed harper hasnt come down with anything worse but i know its only a matter of time,love -i feel guilty a little and also mildly worried but not bad enough to actually pursue anything,sad -i feel when i mad at you,anger -ill admit there is definitely some sort of testosterone laden feeling of accomplishment in being a fucking savage helping women who cannot control a way unruly crowd,anger -i thought getting confirmation on publishing would make it so easy to sit down and write and it for sure is a great feeling but i am terrified,fear -when we were able to afford a new sofa a leather one which cost sek i had waited for it for years,happy -i suggest you do though it might be hard cause it is a bit slow at times if you don t feel a bit of a tug at your heart or perhaps feel a tear forming in your tear ducts i will declare that you are heartless and thus should be banished from the rest of the world,anger -i feel like it title share on reddit reddit a target blank rel nofollow class technorati href http technorati,sad -i need even with his love and grace i still feel like i would feel lost without human companionship and i dont know how well id be able to deal with the loss of some of my best friends,sad -i believe a lot of people can feel this way not in an entirely sympathetic turn for the victim and those closest to him but an inherent fear of something like this happening to oneself,love -i was a little worried about telling her the thing about voldemort but i know how id feel if i still liked someone and they started dating someone else,love -i arrived home with a strange feeling of happiness and discontent,sad -i know exactly how she feels because i hated it so badly i got so depressed i was cutting myself when i got so low i started thinking about suicide i did run away to nyc the farthest place from them where they wouldnt be able to find me,anger -i dont know why but i am feeling fab u lous today,happy -i felt and still feel really horribly that i scared the poor guy so much that he dropped his tail but im eternally grateful to him for teaching me this fact,fear -i feel happyful somehow i feel lost i do not know whats going on or what i am supposed to do next,happy -im going to be very honest with you it feels amazing,surprise -ive just been feeling extremely outcasted and insecure,fear -ive been feeling quite nostalgic lately so i thought i would compile a list of my favourite books from my childhood,love -i really feel like writing about or supporting their product in the payperpost marketplace,love -im tired of feeling lethargic hating to work out and being broke all the time,sad -i feel most productive when i feel like i m building something even if it s something no one wants or will use or read,happy -i have a well staffed office or a relatively less busy schedule things run more smoothly and i feel less stressed,sad -i do feel productive anyway,happy -i would come home and pour a glass of wine sulk in my feelings until the sweet rest of intoxication took over and sleep pulls me into her bosom,love -i didn t feel useless anymore,sad -i did not feel very much convinced of likelihood of dennis weaver to be using cocaine,happy -i feel funny things happening to my face and all over my body,surprise -i also feel that it should be pence as i am sure readers will not mind paying that,happy -i guess i feel betrayed because i admired him so much and for someone to do this to his wife and kids just goes beyond the pale,happy -ill find you everyday if you feel not annoyed,anger -i just feel its more romantic when these characters do not jump on each other on the first opportunity they get,love -i feel practically virtuous this month i have not exceeded my target of only buying things,happy -i didn t know that i would feel so completely exhausted,sad -i also feel valued as a whipping girl for him to take out frustration and anger on maybe to a bit less of a degree than i would like,happy -diagnosis that i have a stomache ulcer,fear -i can run i can dress up in public for fun and i can be the center of attention without feeling humiliated,sad -i am under pressure at the place i spend most of my week on past experience i will tend to feel more unhappy for longer periods,sad -i feel that pain now and am fearful that i will have to endure that for many years to come,fear -i feel confident that you and i have something solid,happy -i usually love being home im starting to feel anxious about all of this,fear -i want that feeling that someone is devoted to me and wants to keep me strong and go through things with me,love -i was feeling at the time i wrote this say something like oh dont worry leanne youll find your prince charming someday,happy -i don t exactly feel sociable still,happy -i talked to my parents about the fact that i was no longer having any romantic feelings or desires for affection with my beloved and that i wanted to break up with him because i was feeling like i was playing him because the emotions weren t there,love -i feel unloved and know im hated,sad -i tried to pinpoint the exact thought that made me feel crappy after presented with a task,sad -i feel like many times when i m generous with whatever i feel like i ve kept track of things i ve given them or given up for them and have a tally of what they owe me,happy -i party darling don t close ss ur eyes just look at me wll feel hotest body excotick beaty between in my to leg s will be yummyy and u wll be deisire just take a horny enjoin movie record,love -i still feel damaged,sad -i tried hard to avoid kim and her insults i tried hard not to feel as though i wasnt really respected by anyone or perhaps i wasnt at all welcome,happy -i truly feel that we are family and for that i am so thankful,happy -i do see some of the value and ideas in functional programming style but somehow i feel really really hesitant to switch my java and python programming environments with tested and proven libraries to emerging ones in haskell domain,fear -ill think about my new sewing room and the awesome feeling it is to have a place where i can be as messy as i like without anyone moaning,sad -im no longer feeling bitchy,anger -i have been feeling really burdened by our debt which keeps growing but my husband seems to think it will magically disappear,sad -i hope that today you too may get into something that makes you feel fiercely passionate,love -i was back in my hometown feeling unhappy in need of an escape,sad -i feel funny inside is that a reference to the circus going on in his underpants,surprise -i don t hug my family i usually don t hug my friends there are only a few people i m willing to hug but if you get the chance to hug someone do it we all know they feel amazing,happy -i believe my ground game is where i feel most superior,happy -i wonder amp sometimes feel tragic also about the universal conspiracy,sad -i how he is feeling about the fight i m disappointed and kind of disgusted with myself,sad -i just really was feeling appreciative of and connected to nature,happy -i feel inadequate because it prompts comparison,sad -i have now synced it with my itunes and feel delighted that music will be more accessible to me no matter where i am and can once again feature heavily in my life,happy -i definitely feel appreciative of my boyfriend,happy -i feel like ive hit a sweet spot in life,happy -i know everyone if anyone who reads this feels skeptical to try beachbody,fear -i feel smug,happy -i always read but feel hesitant to comment and unsure of what to say,fear -i feel like the lame man at the beautiful gate leading to the temple,sad -i feel like i m really doing something worthwhile,happy -im feeling smug that i didnt wear pearls,happy -i must admit by the time i got back dripping i was feeling like id been beaten it was very much a run of three thirds,sad -i stand between the two but did not hold off their eye contact this let in one of the wangxuehai feel awkward at that time actually don t know what to say,sad -im at the end of the day and im just exhausted and feeling very discouraged and under appreciated right now,sad -im just feeling grumpy and impatient and im ready to get things moving,anger -i should admit when consuming alcohol myself in small amounts i feel much less inhibited ideas come to me more easily and i can write with greater ease,fear -i wish i wouldve stopped and just walked my knee is ridiculous and acts up from time to time usually after miles it starts to feel tender while running but i can deal with it no biggie,love -i feel the need to write i always want to write in a clever way,happy -i do walk on the treadmill i feel really smug all day so it s worth it,happy -i have a good feeling about im determined to make it the year i succeed,happy -i feel an ache when my phone chimes and it s not a sweet text from my sweetheart,happy -im trying to smile for the camera and keep my eyes open while im really feeling terrified and screaming about as loud as i can with my eyes tightly closed,fear -i didnt want to shoot him sorry to be a party pooper because i have been a lecture basher before and i know how it feels when people are hostile to you,anger -i almost feel funny not adding a picture at the bottom of my post like denis and dave,surprise -i know that feeling awkward and not having friends in a space contributes to this,sad -i start feeling dumb,sad -i feel him i touch him with my hands i form him without wanting to i give him to myself i take him away from myself how impatient i am to see him,anger -im in the middle of my conversion to understanding the gospel and sometimes it feels very much like an identity crisis so please bear with me as i am very timid in this new role and life,fear -i feel for the author but i m also hesitant over whether or not i should comment on this subject,fear -i don t feel sorry for helen s camp going hungry anymore,sad -i also reply to most comments so please feel free to share your thoughts and let s talk,happy -i feel calm just thinking about it,happy -i feel a hesitant touch at my back and i lean back into the familiarly small hands,fear -im trying to regroup after anatomy as ive been feeling depressed and exhausted for the past three weeks or so,sad -i feel dumb to not have the slightest clue about it lolll p but all in all i appreciated every second of my birthday and felt very blissful to have everyone in my life,sad -i feel accepted and loved and forgiven the grace of god is so healing,happy -i was feeling pretty strange like dinosaur soldier after i read them because in a weird sort of adult or perhaps college aged way my brain was analyzing the books,fear -i did see a few people looking at the points and steps on the board behind me when they forget the next one which made me feel glad to have the aid in the back to prevent me from running back and forth to people who required help constantly,happy -i guess i could have done so many things before giving up i suppose i feel so content with loosing that like with the rest of things that should matter in this world i just dont care,happy -i think that in this way though the readers will most likely agree with what i wrote and hopefully feel more passionate about scientific research,love -i almost always feel the inside of my tire but in my rushed state i failed to do this important step,anger -i have would be that common ground but i always feel like i m a casual observer rather than an enthusiast,happy -i feel for the kids of troubled homes and i feel for the ones who could change that around,sad -i just cant shake my mood and i feel more listless and unsettled than relaxed,sad -im just feeling so dazed everyday,surprise -im starting to feel graceful oh happiness,happy -i as representative of everything thats wrong with corporate america and feel that sending him to washington is a ludicrous idea,surprise -i can finish even if i have to eat and feel satisfied bellmont cabinets before it leaves bellmont cabinets a wipe out on the spot it is not necessary to wipe out for when you o,happy -i doubt the streets would stink any less and since i found parisian summer to be pretty cold im feeling very apprehensive about visiting in winter,fear -im on day of feeling lousy but im starting to feel human again,sad -i feel beaten and discouraged,sad -i sincerely feel will benefit any relationship whether it is romantic family work or socially oriented,love -i like the feel of the game but im not very fond of the color scheme,love -i could feel every muscle in my body working as one to move with grace i know me graceful power and control,happy -i so desperately want to be able to help but i feel so helpless,fear -i feel grouchy tonight,anger -i looked at him feeling quite amused and relieved,happy -i feel more well rested though my sinuses still hurt and my voice isn t quite back to normal,happy -i feel as though my time is not valued,happy -i called myself pro life and voted for perry without knowing this information i would feel betrayed but moreover i would feel that i had betrayed god by supporting a man who mandated a barely year old vaccine for little girls putting them in danger to financially support people close to him,happy -i feel vaguely cheated and a little amused,happy -i started feeling pathetic and ashamed,sad -i am feeling pretty wonderful,happy -i cry and feel heartbroken every month when i get my period,sad -i asked feeling utterly useless,sad -i feel horrible i know this is a bad situation but please dont judge me i really feel bad and the age of consent is in texas so our relationship is legal,sad -i feel when i am thrilled with my hair i have an extra bounce in my step and i don t worry about my outfit and make up as much,happy -i feel confident that it wasn t my company that was bothering him,happy -im feeling a little tender and mashed today and im doing my best,love -i found myself feeling a bit shamed defensive and excluded,sad -i love if i feel a cold coming on,anger -i am feeling so helpless ma i am being unable to fight your illness i am being unable to take you out from that pain i feel helpless today,sad -i trust heavily when i feel that the trust is worthwhile,happy -i anticipated feeling ecstatic jubilant over the moon wired giddy,happy -i can feel all supportive and jrock ish in school tommorrow,love -i guess it s all about trying to internalize the serenity prayer without also feeling walked over and abused,sad -i wrote feel there rather than think or believe because i know objectively that i am smart probably smarter than most people but most of the time im more conscious of what i dont know than what i do know,happy -i spent a lot of time feeling overwhelmed with the amount of information he provided while reading the textbook,fear -i feel like the world is just being bitter and cold but its degrees out sunny and bold something went a rye before early tea time and i cant figure it out yet,anger -i see people who have accomplished so much more than me and i feel envious and incompetent,anger -i have i feel pathetic for lying if i say no,sad -i started to see a concerning pattern i d rush home at the end of the evening s activities to write out a post sometimes i d be feeling frustrated and flustered while sometimes i was eager and inspired,anger -i had been feeling fabulous and full of energy but easter weekend wiped me out and i havent been able to recover,happy -i feel im supposed to hate dams amp all the control of nature that they represent but sometimes they really are the most elegant amp awe inspiring structures,happy -i feel like i got to know her a bit and what i did get to know i really liked,love -im okay but feeling a little apprehensive as my dad has a minor operation today,fear -i just feel too overwhelmed i can t see the forest for the trees as the saying goes,fear -i cant help but feel sentimental about the fact that we were drawn here,sad -i feel i should make is how surprised but entertained i was by the inclusion of so many popular culture and gaming references in the story mode of the game,surprise -i feel so tortured by it,anger -i feel a bit rude leaving you hanging there from my last post with an almost done room and then radio silence,anger -im having ssa examination tomorrow in the morning im quite well prepared for the coming exam and somehow i feel numb towards exam because in life there is much more important things than exam,sad -i constantly worry about their fight against nature as they push the limits of their inner bodies for the determination of their outer existence but i somehow feel reassured,happy -i feel its important to share this info for those that experience the same thing,happy -i truly feel that if you are passionate enough about something and stay true to yourself you will succeed,happy -i feel like i just wanna buy any cute make up i see online or even the one,happy \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/datasets/ET.csv b/data/datasets/ET.csv deleted file mode 100644 index a851c19..0000000 --- a/data/datasets/ET.csv +++ /dev/null @@ -1,317 +0,0 @@ -name,ET -hello,greeting -hi,greeting -hi there,greeting -hey,greeting -greetings,greeting -yo,greeting -howdy,greeting -morning,greeting -afternoon,greeting -good afternoon,greeting -evening,greeting -night,greeting -remember ,remember -remember close window,remember -remember what ,remember -remember to ,remember -remember that, remember -remember I ,remember -bye,bye -need leave,bye -been while,been while -how are you,how are you -hello how are you, how are you -hi how are you,how are you -hey how are you,how are you -greetings how are you,how are you -yo how are you,how are you -howdy how are you,how are you -okay,how are you response -fine,how are you response -i am great,how are you response -not bad,how are you response -I'm okay,how are you response -I'm alright,how are you repsonse -well,how are you response -same old same old,how are you response -i am great thanks how are you,how are you response -good thanks how are you,how are you repsonse -blackjack,play blackjack -play blackjack,play blackjack -pontoon,play blackjack -twenty one,play blackjack -21,play blackjack -guessing game,play guessing game -number guess game,play guessing game -rock paper scissors,play rps -random wikihow,random wikihow article -give random wikihow article,random wikihow article -wikihow article,random wikihow article -random one,random wikihow article -search wikihow article,search wikihow -rps,play rps -tell me joke,tell joke -how to cook ,search -how to bake ,search -how about a joke,tell joke -something funny,tell joke -make me laugh,tell joke -i dare you to make me laugh,tell joke -shoot with joke,tell joke -tell me a joke,tell joke -tell me riddle,tell riddle -how about a riddle,tell riddle -how to ,how to -shoot with riddle,tell riddle -tell me a riddle,tell riddle -give me brain teaser,tell riddle -lets play trivia,play trivia -give me question,play trivia -question me,play trivia -let play pub quiz,play trivia -how about trivia quiz,play trivia -test knowledge,play trivia -trivia time,play trivia -round of trivia,play trivia -want to play trivia,play trivia -quiz,play trivia -xkcd,xkcd -show me funny comic,xkcd -funny comic,xkcd -show something funny,xkcd -xkcd funny,xkcd -quit,quit -exit trivia,quit -enough trivia,quit -had enough trivie,quit -no more trivia,quit -stop trivia,quit -exit pub quiz,quit -enough pub quiz,quit -had enough pub quiz,quit -no more pub quiz,quit -stop pub quiz,quit -exit quiz,quit -enough quiz,quit -had enough quiz,quit -no more quiz,quit -stop quiz,quit -open wiki game,wiki game -wiki game,wiki game -lets play the wiki game,wiki game -lets play wikipedia race,wiki game -wikirace,wiki game -play wikirace,wiki game -wikispeedia,wiki game -play wikispeedia,wiki game -wikiladder,wiki game -wikiclick,wiki game -wikiwhack,wiki game -play wiki game,wiki game -play wikipedia race,wiki game -give me fact,fact -fun fact,fact -give me fun fact,fact -tell me interesting fact,fact -give random fact,fact -share fun fact,fact -provide me with fact,fact -tell me some dont know,fact -Fascinate me fact,fact -impress me with fact,fact -educate me with fact,fact -drop fact,fact -hit me with fact,fact -play akinator,akinator -open akinator,akinator -let play game akinator,akinator -play game,play game -let play a game,play game -what game you know,list games -list game,list games -list games you know,list games -tell me games you familiar with,list games -what choices i have,list games -what games you know,list games -what akinator,describe akinator -what wiki game,descrive wiki game -bye,bye -bye bye,bye -see you later,bye -got to go,bye -goodbye,bye -nice chatting,bye -until next time,bye -nice talk,bye -I'm off,bye -cheerio,bye -catch you later,bye -thank you,thank -great thanks,thanks -thanks,thank -that's helpful,thank -awesome thanks,thank -thanks for help,thank -appreciate it,thank -thanks for that,thank -much obliged,thank -set pass code,set passcode -set password,set passcode -change passcode,set passcode -facotry reset,factory reset -reset factory setting,factory reset -reset yourself factory reset,factory reset -reset to default setting,factory reset -reset factory default,factory reset -clear all memory setting,factory reset -what passcode,what is passcode -what weather now,current weather -what current weather like,current weather -currect weather,current weather -what weather like,current weather -weather now,current weather -current weather,current weather -weather tomorrow,weather tomorrow -what weather like tomorrow, -what weather tomorow,weather tomorrow -tomorrow weather,weather tomorrow -weather on ,weather day -what is the weather like on ,weather day -play youtube video,choose youtube video -what my name,users name -tell my name,users name -give advice,advice -tell advice,advice -advice,advice -many questions you know,question amount -many questions in knowledge,question amount -size of question data,question amount -total number questions know,questions amount -many questions you know,questions amount -chewie,chewie -wax on,wax on -i get you pretty,wizard of oz -mama says,mama says -roads,roads -i your father,father -where is everyone joan,rd1 -who is,rd2 -captain hollister,rd3 -tod hunger,rd4 -todhunter,rd4 -selby,rd5 -perterson,rd6 -chen,rd7 -rimmer,rd8 -wait try tell everybody dead,rd9 -who are you,who are you -tell who are you,who are you -what call you,call bot -why give name,why named -why Joan,why named -love me,love user -are robot,robot -are human,human -change your name,change bot name -are you real,real or not -what you do night,last night -what weather like for ,specific weather location -what you do,what doing -what you want,what next -do collect any,collection -you hobby,bot hobby -can talk,talk request -have question,question bot -say something,something -wasn't talk you,not talking bot -not talk you,not talking bot -wasn't direct you,not talking bot -will live forever,bot live forever -what you favourite,bot favourite -who create you,created -what gender you are,gender -are you male,gender -are you female,gender -what verion you,bot version -version,version -what thinking,user thinking -what know about me,knowledge about user -time,time -what time is it,time -what is the time,time -tell me time,time -current time,time -time right now,time -need know time,time -could give time,time -have current time,time -time at moment,time -what is the date,date -what today date,date -could tell current date,date -need today date,date -date,date -day,day -what day is it,day -what day,day -day today,day -current day,day -tell what day,day -what month is it,month -month,month -tell month,month -what month,month -what year,year -tell me year,year -current year,year -space new,space news -latest space new,space news -show space new,space news -weather monday,weather monday -weather tuesday,weather tuesday -weather wednesday,weather wednesday -weather thrusday,weather thrusday -weather friday,weather friday -weather saturday,weather saturday -weather sunday,weather sunday -weather in hour,weather hour -tell weather in hour,weather hour -weather one hour,weather hour -when did movie release,movie release -what rating of ,movie rate -what is the run time of ,movie runtime -what genre is ,movie genre -genre of ,movie genre -who is the director for ,movie director -who directed ,movie director -who wrote ,movie writer -who is the writer for ,movie writer -who acted in ,movie actor -actor for ,movie actor -what is the plot of ,movie plot -what languages are ,movie language -what awards did win,movie award -late news,latest news -tell late news,latest news -what go late news,latest news -what go world,latest news -what go world,latest news -scan current website,scan open website -scan open website,scan open website -scan copy website,scan copied website -search for ,search -show recipies for ,search -ingredients for ,ingredients -suggest meal,meal suggestion -later,later -thanks reminding,thank -forgot,forgot -slip mind,forgot -forget something,forget -what does it mean,"pronoun | third-person singular personal pronoun, refers to one inanimate object or to one person or animal with no gender or unknown gender" -the meaning irregardless,adverb | regardless; a combination of irrespective and regardless sometimes used humorously -by,"1 | adverb | so as to pass a given point\n2 | adverb | in reserve; not for immediate use\n3 | preposition | near or next to, beside, alongside, especially movement through the vicinity and then beyond; not later than, at some time before; to the specified amount or measurement; according to the method or manner of" -capital madagascar,"Antananarivo, Madagascar" -capital madagascar,"Antananarivo, Madagascar" -hello,"Hello, human." \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/datasets/SR.csv b/data/datasets/SR.csv deleted file mode 100644 index 9804b96..0000000 --- a/data/datasets/SR.csv +++ /dev/null @@ -1,105 +0,0 @@ -text,sentiment -okay,positive -one more,positive -few more,positive -yes,positive -yes please,positive -continue,positive -okay sure,positive -next,positive -sure why not,positive -url,positive -description,positive -open url,positive -y,positive -n,negative -yeah,positive -yep,positive -absolutely,positive -definitely,positive -certainly,positive -affirmative,positive -for sure,positive -indeed,positive -of course,positive -without a doubt,positive -sure thing,positive -i suppose so,positive -its possible,positive -i'm leaning towards yes,positive -I'm open to it,positive -I'm afraid not,negative -positively,positive -assuredly,positive -unquestionably,positive -naturally,positive -without question,positive -most certainly,positive -undoubtedly,positive -absolutely yes,positive -aye,positive -absolutely by all means,positive -indeed so it is,positive -verily,positive -by the gods yes,positive -I swear it,positive -with great conviction,positive -without hesitation,positive -in full agreement,positive -beyond a shadow of a doubt,positive -no,negative -no thanks,negative -nope,negative -nah,negative -negative,negative -not at all,negative -no more,negative -definitely not,negative -certainly not,negative -absolutely not,negative -I'm afraid not,negative -I'm not sure,negative -I'm leaning towards no,negative -I'm not entirely certain,negative -no way,negative -never,negative -not really,negative -not necessarily,negative -not likely,negative -unlikely,negative -enough,negative -dont show,negative -dont show context,negative -dont show game,negative -not interested,negative -enough now,negative -impossible,negative -not a chance,negative -under no circumstances,negative -by no means,negative -definitely no,negative -nay,negative -not at all my friend,negative -alas no,negative -no thank you,negative -regretfully no,negative -against my better judgment,negative -I must decline,negative -not show,negative -forbidden it is,negative -the fates decree otherwise,negative -alright that enough,negative -I cannot in good conscience,negative -pass,negative -dont know,negative -unsure,negative -tell me,negative -no idea,negative -im stumped,negative -skip question,negative -clueless,negative -completely blank,negative -I don't know,negative -dont remember,negative -interesting but I don't know,negative -am clueless this one,negative \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/datasets/advice.txt b/data/datasets/advice.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 4ae186b..0000000 --- a/data/datasets/advice.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,221 +0,0 @@ -Remember that spiders are more afraid of you, than you are of them. -Smile and the world smiles with you. Frown and you're on your own. -Don't eat non-snow-coloured snow. -Cars are bad investments. -If you have the chance, take it! -Never cut your own fringe. -Make choices and dont look back. -Happiness is a journey, not a destination. -True happiness always resides in the quest. -Never pay full price for a sofa at DFS. -Avoid mixing Ginger Nuts with other biscuits, they contaminate. Keep separated. -Always block trolls. -If you're feeling tired or anxious, a pint of water will almost always make you feel better. -Life is better when you sing about bananas. -If it ain't broke don't fix it. -It's unlucky to be superstitious. -Sometimes it's best to ignore other people's advice. -Don't judge a book by its cover, unless it has a synopsis on the back. -If you cannot unscrew the lid of a jar, try placing a rubber band around its circumference for extra grip. -Don't put off breaking up with someone when you know you want to. Prolonging the situation only makes it worse. -Don't feed Mogwais after midnight. -Your smile could make someone's day, don't forget to wear it. -When the cistern is filling, the seat is probably still warm. -Never buy cheap cling film. -Don't cross the streams. -Don't wear clean trousers when walking your dog in the park. -When you're looking up at birds flying overhead, keep your mouth closed. -As you get older, learn never to trust a fart. -When in doubt, just take the next small step. -Never let your Mother cut your hair. -Everything in moderation, including moderation itself. -Don't let the bastards grind you down. -To improve productivity, always have a shittier task to put off. -Only those who attempt the impossible can achieve the absurd. -If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a few payments. -There is no reason at all to believe that White Wine is any different to water when it comes to removing Red Wine stains. -The most delicious cocktails often have the highest alcohol content. Always pace yourself to preserve your dignity. -Never run a marathon in Crocs. -Never run with scissors. -Don't use Excel or Powerpoint documents for your basic word processing needs. -Always double check you actually attached the file to the email. -Try to pay at least one person a compliment every day. -If you are feeling down, try holding a pencil between your top lip and your nose for five minutes. -Build something out of LEGO. -Try going commando to an important meeting, NB: don't wear a skirt. -If you need cheering up, try searching online for photos of kittens. -A long walk alone with some time to think, can work wonders. -Walking is a perfectly valid solution to traffic congestion problems. -It's wrong to be right. -Don't promise what you can't deliver. -Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative. -The more ideas that you give away, the more ideas that will come to you. -Do not seek praise, seek criticism. -Try to do the things that you're incapable of. -If you get stuck, try doing the opposite of what the solution requires. -Don't give a speech. Put on a show. -Don't be afraid of silly ideas. -Fail. Fail again. Fail better. -Once in a while, eat some sweets you used to enjoy when you were younger. -Giving someone a hug can be mutually rewarding. Try to give at least one hug a day to someone. -If you're squashed close to strangers on public transport, try not to be rude to them. No one likes those situations. -You don't need to floss all of your teeth. Only the ones you want to keep. -When having a clear out, ask yourself if an item has any financial, practical or sentimental value. If not, chuck it. -Take time once in a while to look up at the stars for at least 5 minutes, in order to comprehend your cosmic significance. -The number of vampires in the average home, is directly proportional to the amount of garlic bread in the fridge. -Visitors are like fish: As much as you might like them, after three days they start to smell. -Don't try and bump start a motorcycle on an icy road. -It is easy to sit up and take notice, what's difficult is getting up and taking action. -Don't eat anything your grandparents wouldn't recognise as food. -Eat food. Not too much, mostly plants. -Work is never as important as you think it is. -You will always regret the round of Tequila. -You will always regret the round of Jägermeister. -Mercy is the better part of justice. -Being kind is more rewarding than being right. -Just because you are offended, doesn't mean you are right. -Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one. -Age is of no importance, unless you are a cheese. -For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. -Put a piece of kitchen roll in with your bag of leaves to make them last longer. -Never set an alarm clock unless you know how to switch it off -If you don't want something to be public, don't post it on the Internet. -Never write in an email to someone, something which you wouldn't say to that person's face. -Turn jeans inside out when washing them to help preserve their colour. -Hold the door open for the next person. -Don't be afraid to ask questions. -Brush your teeth the moment you get up. -Drink a glass of water before meals. -You can have too much of a good thing. -The higher up you are in a company, the more likely it is that your boss is a psychopath. -Sometimes, you just need to say sorry. Even if it's not your fault. -Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -Don't give to others advice which you wouldn't follow. -If you are ever in doubt about whether or not to wash your hair: Wash it. -It's always the quiet ones. -Learn from your mistakes. -Everybody makes mistakes. -Alway do anything for love, but don't do that. -Tell it like it is. -Respect your elders. -Do, or do not. There is no try. -When you look around and don't see anyone you respect, its time to leave. -A problem shared is a problem halved. -If you don't ask, you don't get. -Don't ever name files or folders using the word "Final". -To cleanly remove the seed from an Avocado, lay a knife firmly across it, and twist. -Give up your seat for someone who needs it. -You're not as fat as you think you are. -It's not about who likes you, it's about who you like. -Lemon and salt works wonders on tarnished brass. -Step 1. Give a shit. Step 2. Don't be a dick. Step 3. Know when to let go. -One of the top five regrets people have is that they didn't have the courage to be their true self. -One of the top five regrets people have is that they didn't stay in contact with friends. -A common regret in life is wishing one hadn't worked so hard. -A common regret in life is wishing one had the courage to be ones true self. -Don't assume anything is possible or impossible until you've asked the people who will be doing the work. -A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse. -If you think your headphones are dying, check the socket for fluff with a straightened paperclip. -You spend half your life asleep or in bed. It's worth spending money on a good mattress, decent pillows and a comfy duvet. -Winter is coming. -Do not check work email on your days off. -Why wait until valentines day for a romantic gesture? -Taking photos with tablet devices looks weird. -When hugging, hug with both arms and apply reasonable, affectionate pressure. -When you're at a concert or event, enjoy the moment, enjoy being there. Try leaving your camera in your pocket. -Stop procrastinating. -If you have grandparents or parents - Talk to them more. Ask them about their life experiences. -YOLO -Repeat people's names when you meet them. -If you find yourself distressed about something, ask yourself if it will still matter tomorrow or next week or next month. -The person who never made a mistake never made anything. -If you want to be happily married, marry a happy person. -Everything matters, but nothing matters that much. -You're not that important; it's what you do that counts. -Keep it simple. -If you're going bald, don't comb your hair over your bald patch. -If your hair is thinning, try dying your hair a similar tone to your scalp. -If you can't do anything about it, there's no point in worrying about it. -If you don't like the opinion you've been given, get another one. -When painting a room, preparation is key. The actual painting should account for about 40% of the work. -Pedantry is fine, unless you're on the receiving end. And not a pedant. -Always the burrito. -Today, do not use the words "Kind of", "Sort of" or "Maybe". It either is or it isn't. -Don't take life too seriously. -Some people would be better off if they took their own advice. -As things get closer to the light, the shadows get darker. -The most important thing is the thing most easily forgotten. -When faced with a choice, do both. -Accept advice. -Try using an old idea. -State the problem in words as clearly as possible. -What could you increase? What could you reduce? -Life is short enough, don't race to the finish. -When something goes wrong in life, just shout "plot twist!" and carry on. -Life can be a lot more interesting inside your head. -What's stopping you? -Enjoy a little nonsense now and then. -You have as many hours in a day as the people you admire most. -Stop using the term "busy" as an excuse. -Big things have small beginnings. -Some of life's best lessons are learnt at the worst times. -Eliminate the unnecessary. -The quieter you become, the more you can hear. -No one knows anyone else in the way you do. -Do a bit more for your friends. -Do something selfless. -Remedy tickly coughs with a drink of honey, lemon and water as hot as you can take. -If you've nothing nice to say, say nothing. -If it still itches after a week, go to the doctors. -Always bet on black. -Be a good lover. -Plant a tree. -Good things come to those who wait. -Everyone has their down days. Don't take it out on innocent bystanders. -It always seems impossible, until it's done. -Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience. -Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience. -Rule number 1: Try not to die. Rule number 2: Don't be a dick. -Most things look better when you put them in a circle. -Always get two ciders. -You can fail at what you don't want. So you might as well take a chance on doing what you love. -You can fail at what you don't want. So you might as well take a chance on doing what you love. -One of the single best things about being an adult, is being able to buy as much LEGO as you want. -The sun always shines above the clouds. -Measure twice, cut once. -Do not compare yourself with others. -Don't always believe what you think. -Learn to handle criticism. -Don't take it personally. -Value the people in your life. -Don't always rely on your comforts. -Exercise in the rain can really make you feel alive. -Have a firm handshake. -Look people in the eye. -Sing in the shower. -Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference. -Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Employ correctly with apt timing. -Don't burn bridges. -Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them. -The best sex is fun. -The best nights out are when people around you are simply having fun. -Try to not compliment people on things they don't control. -Don't waste food. -Always seek out advice or opinions when making a decision. -Play is the true mother of invention. -Most things done in secrecy are better left undone. -You never really grow up. -No "brand" is your friend. -The hardest things to say are usually the most important. -Quality beats quantity. -Things are just things. Don't get too attached to them. -Once you find a really good friend don't do anything that could mess up your friendship. -Try making a list. -Identify sources of happiness. -Gratitude is said to be the secret to happiness. -Try buying a coffee for the creator of a free public API, now and then. -Most things are not as bad as you think they are. -Share positive energy. -Respect other people's opinions, even when they differ from your own. -Vinegar is a powerful cleaning agent. -Don't drink bleach. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/datasets/facts.txt b/data/datasets/facts.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 04c880a..0000000 --- a/data/datasets/facts.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,7301 +0,0 @@ -6 million lives were saved by Bill Gates with vaccines and better healthcare. -Ancient Babylonians did math in base 60 instead of base 10. That's why we have 60 seconds in a minute and 360 degrees in a circle. -Harry Potter books have been translated into more than 70 languages. -Human inhabitants first settled in the Amazon rainforest at least 11,200 years ago -There is a pilgrimage site in Sri Lanka that is holy to four religions for a "sacred footprint": Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism and Christianity. -The Sun formed about 4.6 billion years ago from the collapse of part of a giant molecular cloud that consisted mostly of hydrogen and helium -Iran arrested 14 squirrels for spying in 2007 -Nearly one tourist has died every week in Hawaii, on average, from 2012 to 2015. -3 in every 10 teen girls in the U.S. get pregnant -3.4 million people die each year from water-related causes -A young Isaac Newton once threatened to burn his mother and stepfather alive. -In Peru, there's a billboard that creates drinkable water out of thin air -In 2005, an Ethiopian girl was being brutally beaten by 7 men when a pride of lions chased them away. They even stayed with her until help arrived. -Benjamin Franklin wrote "Fart Proudly", a scientific essay about farts. -Popcorn was first domesticated in Mexico 9,000 years ago. -The 2011 earthquake near Japan increased the Earth's rotation speed, shortening the day by 1.8 microseconds. -When Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the Moon, they honored soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin by leaving behind one of his medals. -Sweat itself is odorless. It's the bacteria on the skin that mingles with it and produces body odor. -Pluto was discovered by a young research assistant in 1930. -Killing someone to prevent the theft of property is legal in Texas -In 1900, all the world's mathematical knowledge could be written in about 80 books; today it would fill more than 100,000 books. -Pluto, Mickey Mouse's dog, was named after the planet, not the other way around -All pandas in the world are on loan from China -In 1989, Margaret Thatcher pleaded with Mikhail Gorbachev to keep the Berlin Wall up. -China uses 45 billion chopsticks per year. -There's only one STOP sign in the entire city of Paris. -The Titanic could have been saved if it wasn't for a 30-second delay in giving the order to change course after spotting the iceberg -In 2013, a fake tweet temporarily wiped out US$130 billion off the stock market -A tiger's roar can be heard as far as 1.8 miles (3 km) away -It's illegal for foreigners to take Indian currency (rupees) out of India -Recycling one ton of paper saves 682.5 gallons of oil, 7,000 gallons of water and 3.3 cubic yards of landfill space -With over 4 billion people and 30% of Earth's total land area, Asia is the Earth's largest and most populous continent. -New Brain Connections Are Created Every Time You Form a Memory -The Pentagon has a plan for combating a zombie apocalypse -Civilian casualties on D-Day and D+1 are estimated at 3,000 people. -North Korean archaeologists announced the world in 2012 they "discovered" lair of the UNICORN ridden by legendary King Tongmyung 2000 years ago. -Every minute,2 million searches are performed on Google. -A beautiful face attracts more partners than a beautiful body, according to a scientific survey. -There is a persistent storm at Lake Maracaibo, Venezuela. Lightning storms occur for about 10 hours a night, 140 to 160 nights a year, for a total of about 1.2 million lightning discharges per year. -27,000 trees are felled each day for toilet paper -Farting helps reduce high blood pressure and is good for your health. -The Blue-ringed octopus is one of the world's most venomous marine animals: it can kill you in one bite, there is no anti-venom. -People who spend a lot of time on the internet are more likely to be depressed, lonely and mentally unstable, a study found. -Until the 1970s in Belgium, table beer was served in schools refectories. -When Fidel Castro seized power in Cuba, he immediately ordered all game sets of Monopoly to be destroyed. -In 2010, the Catholic Church had an income of US$97 billion. -Monkey brains are eaten as a delicacy in parts of China, South Asia and Africa. -The roar of a lion can be heard from 8 kilometers (5.0 miles) away. -Australian koalas are in danger of extinction because over half of them have chlamydia. -Classical Greek culture, which flourished during the 5th to 4th centuries BC, had a powerful influence on the Roman Empire and provided the foundation of modern Western culture. -Goldfish can see infrared radiation that is invisible to us. -Chimpanzees share 99% of their DNA with humans, and mice are 98% genetically similar to humans. -Men with attractive wives report higher levels of satisfaction with their marriages, a study says. -The three largest branches of Christianity are the Roman Catholic Church, the Eastern Orthodox Church and the various denominations of Protestantism. -Dinosaurs lived on Earth for 150 million years. We've been around for just 0.1% of that time. -15 billion cigarettes are smoked worldwide every day -Goldfish can't close their eyes as they have no eyelids. -In 2008, a chimpanzee named Anjana adopted and raised two baby white tigers named Mitra and Shiva after a hurricane. -WW1 was the sixth deadliest conflict in world history. -The smallest known dinosaur was about four inches (10 cm) tall and weighed less than a chihuahua. -Leonardo DiCaprio's name is Leonardo because his mother was standing in front of a Leonardo Da Vinci's portrait when he first kicked. -Hiroshima and Nagasaki are not radioactive anymore mostly because the bombs didn't touch the ground but were detonated in the air. -In 1990, Harry Potter author J. K. Rowling was on a crowded train from Manchester to London when the idea for Harry suddenly "fell into her head". -11.2 million people live in Cuba as of 2019. -At least 690 executions were recorded by Amnesty International in 20 countries in 2018, a decrease of 31% compared to 2017. -Prostitutes in the Netherlands pay taxes -At least 1 in 25 people sentenced to the death penalty in the U.S. are innocent. -Over 1.5 million Venezuelans --4% to 6% of the country's population-- left Venezuela following Hugo Chavez's Bolivarian Revolution -Leif Erikson is regarded as the first European to land in North America, nearly 500 years before Columbus. -Banana ketchup is popular in the Philippines. -The South American revolutionary Simon Bolivar was, at various times, president of Bolivia, Colombia, Ecuador, Peru and Venezuela. -A Father's Diet Before Conception Plays a Crucial Role in a Child's Health. -When George Washington passed away in 1799, Britain's entire Royal Navy lowered its flags at half mast. -Low vitamin D levels during pregnancy have been linked to autism. -1 in 5 people in the world still lacks access to modern electricity -After the Vietnam war, farmers recycled thousands of external fuel tanks from U.S. aircraft to create river boats and canoe -In Thailand, Burma, Sri Lanka, Cambodia and Lao, the Buddhist New Year is celebrated for three days. -In 2012, Elvis Presley's underwear was auctioned off but no one bought it. -We Are Living In The Most Peaceful Time In Human History. -In Iran, a law from 2013 allows Men to marry their 13-year-old adopted daughters -Monkeys can count. -Steve Jobs was dyslexic -The Mount Everest grows 0.1576 inches (4mm) each year -No man has been on the Moon in the last 41 years. -Elvis Presley didn't write any of his songs. -The Death Penalty is legal in 32 U.S. states. -In 2001, Argentina had 5 presidents in 10 days. -It took Danny Elfman just two days to compose The Simpsons famous theme in 1989 -The Eiffel Tower was built for the 1889 Paris Exposition and was not intended to be permanent -Martin Luther King Jr. plagiarized a significant portion of his doctoral dissertation from one written by another student 3 years earlier. -With over 95.5 million inhabitants as of 2019, Egypt is the most populous country in the Arab world and the third-most populous in Africa. -The second-largest lake in Bolivia is called Lake Poopo. It's not a freshwater lake -It's scientifically proven: being in love makes you a less productive person. -On any given workday, up to 50,000 employees worked in the WTC twin towers before 9/11. -It snowed in the Sahara Desert in 1979. -Over 20,000 people die of Cancer every day. -In 1994, a 75-pound bag of cocaine fell out of a plane and landed in the middle of a Florida crime watch meeting. -1 billion people speak English. That's 1 in every 7 on earth. -Between 1974 and 1983, up to 30,000 people went "missing" in Argentina. Most were killed by the military junta running the country. -Anne Frank's family was denied visas by the U.S. because of stricter immigration policies. -The Queen of the Netherlands is Argentinian -The Titanic's chief baker "fortified" himself with alcohol and thus survived the freezing water for 2 hours until he was rescued -Hawaii's largest-ever earthquake occurred in 1868 and the aftershocks are still being observed. -In 2011, the population of Ireland was about 6.4 million, ranking it the second-most populous island in Europe after Great Britain. -Most homes in Bolivia have a dried llama fetus thrown under its foundations for luck -An earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards. -William Shakespeare's six surviving signatures have different spellings, including "Shakspere -Shaksper" and "Shakspeare.". The right spelling has been in dispute for centuries. -When the first prototype of Apple's iPod was shown to Steve Jobs, he dropped it in an aquarium and used the air bubbles to prove there was empty space and it could be made smaller -Earth is the only place in the solar system where a total solar eclipse can happen -The tiger's stripes are not only found on their fur, but also on their skin -There is more CO2 (carbon dioxide) in the atmosphere today than at any point in the last 800,000 years. -In Switzerland, some people still regularly eat dog and cat meat. It's legal in the country -Google hired a camel to create the Street View of a desert. -There's a virus that attacks human DNA making people less intelligent, impairing brain activity, learning and memory -Square Watermelons are grown by Japanese farmers for easier stack and store. -A new scientific method called 'toxineering' turns venoms into painkillers -Elvis Presley was naturally blonde. He dyed his hair black. -The "smell of rain" is caused by a bacteria called actinomycetes. -Texas declared its independence from Mexico in 1836 and became a Republic until it joined the U.S. in 1845 -Every hour, at least 1 person is killed by a drunk driver in the U.S. -A Colombian woman was raised by monkeys after being kidnaped and abandoned in the jungle as a child. -A face-recognition software determined that Leonardo Da Vinci's Mona Lisa is 83% happy, 9% disgusted, 6% fearful, and 2% angry. -China is the world's largest exporter and second-largest importer of goods. -A new word in English is created every 98 minutes. -In North Korea, the year is counted after the birth of its founder, Kim II-Sung. In 2013, it was the year 202. -North Korea is the world's only necrocracy: a government that still operates under the rules of a former, dead leader. -Judas sold Jesus for the equivalent of 4 months' pay of a working man. -The Simpsons crew sent flowers to South Park studios when they parodied Family Guy. -Thousands of marine creatures die by mistakenly swallowing plastic bags that resemble jellyfish -The Statue of Liberty used to have a reddish brown color -Iceland has Europe's largest banana plantation. -Snakes can open their mouth up to 150 degrees -Over 5,000 climbers have successfully reached Mount Everest's peak, including a 13-year-old, a blind person, and a 73-year-old woman -Lionesses find lions with darker manes more attractive. -During the Christmas season, almost 28 LEGO sets are sold every second. -If you announce your goals to others, you are less likely to make them happen because you lose motivation, studies confirmed -1.3 million Earths could fit inside the sun, an average-sized star. -Italy is the largest producer of wine in the world. -In 1600, a volcano eruption in Peru caused a famine that killed about 2 million people in Russia -Bill Gates continued to fly coach until 1997, when his net worth was already US$36 billion. -Four Japanese scientists measured the amount of friction between a shoe, a banana skin and the floor: it's 0.07. -Sweden has the largest scale model of the solar system in the world. It is in the scale of 1:20 million and stretches 950 km across the country -There are more than 1,000 species of banana. We eat only one of them. -The Golden Gate Bridge project cost more than US$35 million, completing ahead of schedule and under budget. -Jamaica, Colombia and St Lucia are the only countries where a woman is more likely to be a boss than a man. -Mexican General Santa Anna had an elaborate state funeral for his amputated leg. -The oldest octopus fossil is 296 million years old. -Research conducted on comedians and funny people have shown they are usually more depressed than average. -You can tell the age of a whale by counting the rings in its earwax -Canada's lowest recorded temperature was -81.4 degrees Fahrenheit (-63 C) in 1947 -Every second, Americans collectively eat 100 pounds of chocolate. -Despite being a Jew, Karl Marx hated Judaism and said that "money is the jealous god of Israel." -The UK spent US$15.8 billion in a health service computer system that failed and was shut down in 2013 -When a Google employee dies, their spouses receive half pay from the company for 10 years and their children US$1,000 per month until they turn 19. -There is a prison in Bolivia where inmates rent their own cells, can live with their families, charge tourists for tours and at one point produced almost all the cocaine in Bolivia -The cities of Aachen, Regensburg, Frankfurt-am-Main, Nuremberg, Weimar, Bonn and Berlin have all been capitals of Germany -The Netherlands close eight prisons in 2013 due to lack of criminals -The budget for the Movie "Titanic" was higher than the Titanic itself -In Korea and Japan, there is a Cat Cafe where you can go to drink coffee and hang out with cats for hours. -There's a nail polish that detects date rape drugs by dipping a finger into the drink. -Al Pacino was the first "face" on Facebook. -The Macaw is the national animal of Brazil. -JFK bought 1,200 cuban cigars just hours before signing the embargo against Cuba. -There are 17 to 20 species of penguins, depending on which scientist you ask -With some males exceeding 250 kg (550 lb) in weight, the Lion is the second-largest living cat after the tiger. -One tiger alone killed 430 people in Nepal and India in the 19th century -Leonardo Da Vinci was the first to explain why the sky is blue. -Olympic Gold Medals only contain 1.34% of gold. -Cocaine can be purchased for about US$5 per gram in Colombia while in the U.S. it sells for at least US$100. -More Colombians die every year from American tobacco than Americans die from Colombian cocaine. -Hawaii, Vermont, Alaska, and Maine have all banned billboards. -Brazil was once called "United States of Brazil." -The least corrupt countries in the world are New Zealand and Denmark, according to the Corruptions Perception Index. -The national anthem of Spain has no words -Christopher Columbus correctly predicted an eclipse to trick the native inhabitants of Jamaica into giving him food and supplies. -The city of Lusail, host of the 2022 FIFA World Cup Final game, does not exist yet -Benjamin Franklin, one of the Founding Fathers of the U.S., was also a leading author, printer, political theorist, politician, freemason, postmaster, scientist, inventor, civic activist, statesman, and diplomat. -Elvis Presley is considered the best-selling individual artist of all time, with over 500 million records sold. -Brazil occupies 47.3% of South America and borders all other countries except Ecuador and Chile. -The Amazon represents more than half of the Earth's rainforests -Most Hindus say Euthanasia interrupts the timing of the cycle of rebirth and both the doctor and patient will take on bad karma as a result. -1,665 steps are needed to climb all the way to the top of the Eiffel Tower -Mars is red because it is covered in rust (iron oxide). -75%of people who marry partners from an affair eventually divorce. -An Octopus with 96 tentacles was caught in Japan in 2008. -Kissing can cause tooth decay. -The smallest horse in the world is just 17 inches (43 cm) tall and weighs 57 lb (26 kg) -Sam Houston, the general who won Texas independence from Mexico, was removed from his post as Governor after refusing to support the Confederacy on the Civil War. -The Quran, Islam's most sacred book, means recitation in Arabic. -2200 years ago, Eratosthenes estimated the Earth's circumference using math, without ever leaving Egypt. He was remarkably accurate. Christopher Columbus later studied him. -A Jewish sect, Neturei Karta, supports Palestine and calls for a peaceful dismantling of the State of Israel. -Since 1900, there have been an average of 18 major earthquakes and one great earthquake per year. -The word "volcano" originally comes from the name of the Roman god of fire, Vulcan -The southernmost active volcano on Earth is in Antarctica. It spews crystals and is very close to the U.S. Research Center -People who endure more than 45-minute commute are 40% more likely to divorce. -Babies are born with no bacteria in their bodies. -During WW2, Japan received Jewish refugees and rejected the resulting Nazi German protests. -Scientists can turn peanut butter into diamonds. -77%of Russia is made up of Siberia -With 61 million inhabitants, Italy is the 5th most populous country in Europe. -Bullying affects nearly 1 in 3 American schoolchildren in grades six through 10. -There's a hotel in Bolivia made almost entirely of salt, complete with salt beds and chairs -Famous left-handed people include Napoleon, Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Einstein, Newton, Bill Gates, Oprah, Obama and Jimi Hendrix. -The average visitor to Las Vegas gambles US$447. -Half of all women who die from homicide are killed by their current or former husbands or partners. -Study after study has found that marijuana is less harmful than alcohol and tobacco. -When you get a book published in Norway, the Government will buy a 1000 copies and distribute them to libraries. -Sudan has more pyramids than Egypt. -It is illegal to own a hamster in Hawaii . -The World's Oldest Company operated in Japan from 578 AD to 2006. -During the Vietnam War, American troops would eat small amounts of C4 plastic explosive to get high -A 20-month-old baby became the youngest professional soccer player ever, after being signed up by a Belgian club -Coffee beans aren't beans. They are fruit pits. -Apollo astronauts trained in Iceland because it was felt that the terrain would most resemble the surface of the moon. -Breast cancer is one of the most survivable types of cancers over a five year period. -When Benjamin Franklin invented his own harmonica, it became so popular in Europe that Mozart and Beethoven composed music for it. -The World's Largest Chocolate Bar Weighed 5,792 kg (12,770 lb). -Apple's co-founder sold all his shares for $800.Today, they would have been worth US$35 billion. -Cuddling triggers the same neurological reaction as taking painkillers. -Global warming could drive to extinction as many as 1 in 6 animal and plant species. -On Mars, sunsets are blue. -Isaac Newton was a Member of Parliament for a year and said only one sentence: he asked a nearby usher to close an open window. -The practice of burying the dead may date back 350,000 years. -Fat Man was the codename for the atomic bomb that was detonated over Nagasaki. -Men are struck by lightning five times more often than women. -Every day, nearly 4000 teens in the U.S. smoke their first cigarette while 1,000 start smoking on a daily basis -The King James Bible has inspired the lyrics of more pop songs than any other book. -The boomslang snake's venom causes you to bleed from all holes of your body -There's US$75 trillion in the entire world. If this is distributed amongst all people on Earth, each person will have less than $11,000. -Washoe, the chimpanzee, was the first non-human to learn American Sign Language. She also passed on her knowledge to other chimpanzees. -Iquitos, Peru is the largest city in the world inaccessible by road. It's located deep in the Amazon rainforest and has over 400,000 people -Twitter has 310 million monthly active users, almost the same as the U.S. population -Bob Marley's final words were "Money can't buy life." -The Bible is partially or completely available in 3,384 languages, as of 2019. -Snakes range in size from the tiny, 10 cm-long thread snake, to the reticulated python of up to 6.95 meters (22.8 ft) in length -The official name of Spain is the "Kingdom of Spain. -The Emperor Penguin is able to dive to depths of over 500m and stay under water for up to 27 minutes -There are species of ants that enslaved other ants -English was first introduced to Ireland in the Norman invasion in the 12th century. -Bananas don't grow on trees. They are produced by herbaceous plants. -About 50% of Asians have trouble metabolizing alcohol due to a missing liver enzyme needed to process it. -Legalizing marijuana would generate $8.7 billion in federal and state tax revenue per year. -Over 100,000 people have applied for a one-way trip to colonize Mars in 2022. -All of the bacteria in our body collectively weighs about 4 pounds. -The combined wealth of the 85 richest people is equal to that of poorest 3.5 billion --half of the world's population -Leo Da Vinci's studies of river erosion convinced him that Earth is much older than the Bible implies. -Unfaithful men have lower IQs according to a scientific study. -A Giraffe's legs alone are taller than most humans: about 6 feet (1.81 m). -Police officers in one state in India are given a slight pay upgrade for having a moustache -1 in 3 worldwide deaths in 2012 were caused by Cardiovascular diseases. -The average human will yawn around 250,000 times over the course of his life. -Zebras are responsible for more injuries to U.S. zookeepers than any other animal -Steve Jobs was adopted. His biological father was Abdulfattah Jandali, a Syrian Muslim -In 2012, A 10-Year-Old Accidentally Conceived an Unstable Molecule in Science Class called: Tetranitratoxycarbon -10% of pregnancies end in miscarriage -Drug possession and trafficking are punished in Singapore with the death penalty. -All three Grammys Elvis Presley won, were for his gospel songs. -The earliest evidence of human presence in Ireland is dated at 12,800 BC. -In Judaism there are4 different New Year days. -Alexander the Great washed his hair in saffron to keep it shiny and orange. -62 million girls were out of school in 2014 -Capuchin monkeys show biases against humans who deny help to others. -Recycling a single plastic bottle can conserve enough energy to light a 60W bulb for up to 6 hours -A Bonsai Tree planted in 1626 survived the atomic bomb at Hiroshima and now resides in a U.S. Museum. -Japan consists of over 6,800 islands. -If a zebra is attacked, its family will come to its defense circling the wounded zebra and attempting to drive off predators -Argentina is subdivided into 23 provinces and one autonomous city, Buenos Aires. Each have their own constitutions, but exist under a federal system. -Los Angeles, California, is the second most populous city in the U.S. -Australia is the world's sixth-largest country by total area. -Inca architecture was built to be earthquake resistant. Inca masonry is effective in withstanding even major tremors. -Modern humans first arrived in Iberia (now Spain), from the north on foot, about 35,000 years ago -Martin Luther King Jr. had previously used his "dream" rhetoric many times before his famous speech in other lesser-known speeches. -The average divorcee takes almost 18 months to get over the split. -Between 10 and 20 volcanoes are erupting somewhere on Earth every day -6 out of 10 teenagers in the U.S. say they witness bullying in school once a day. -There are 40 extant species of dolphins. -The Amazon rainforest encompasses an area of 5,500,000 sq kilometres (2,100,000 sq mi), two times the size of Argentina -There are more than 400 distinct phobias well recognized by psychologists -Globally, women are paid less than men. Women in most countries earn on average only 60 to 75% of men's wages -Fidel Castro was born on a Friday the 13th. -William Shakespeare was born and died on the same day -72%of Spain speaks Spanish. The rest speaks Catalan, Galician, Basque and others -Hawaii is the only U.S. state with a majority Asian American population, at 58%. -Paraguay boasts the world's third-biggest fleet of tug-propelled barges, behind the U.S. and China. -Small traces of gold have been found in the leaves of Eucalyptus trees. -Spain was the third most visited country in the world in 2013 -Racial segregation in South Africa began in colonial times under the Dutch Empire, then the British, and became an official policy in 1948, lasting until 1991 -Every Christmas, 1 million letters are addressed to Santa Clausat his own postal code: "H0H 0H0, North Pole, Canada." -The average number of readers of any given published scientific paper is said to be 0.6 -People in the United States eat 9 billion chickens and 150 million cattle, pigs and sheep annually, and we use around 26 million animals for research, 95% of which are rodents, birds and fish. -The Bible, Steve Jobs' Bio, and the Hunger Games, are the most highlighted kindle books ever -Along with 1.4 million tons of debris removed, 19,435 body parts were recovered from the WTC after 9/11. -Apple is the world's largest IT company by revenue and total assets, and the world's second-largest mobile phone manufacturer. -D-Day was originally set for June 5 but had to be postponed for 24 hours due to bad weather. -Anne Frank's sister, Margot, also had a diary. It was never found. -95% of all data in the world is still stored on paper. Most of it is never looked at again -The Liberty Bell and Big Ben were cast by the same bell foundry and both bells are cracked. -A secretary once told Steve Jobs she was late for work because her car wouldn't start. That afternoon, Jobs threw her a set of keys for a brand new Jaguar, saying: "Here, don't be late anymore." -The Aztecs used Cacao seeds as a form of currency. -Most of New Zealand's population of 4.5 million is of European descent. The indigenous Maori are the largest minority at almost 15%. -The West first learned of the giant panda in 1869, when a French missionary received a skin from a hunter -There are 5 planets you can see with the naked eye, not using a telescope: Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn -There are virtually no differences in brain anatomy between people with autism and those without. -Mars has the tallest known mountain on a planet of our Solar System, with a height of 22 km (14 mi). -The word 'Buddha' is a title, which means 'one who is awake', in the sense of having 'woken up to reality'. -The word "desert" comes from the Latin "desertum" which means "an abandoned place". -The Fastest Goal in Soccer history was scored just over 2 seconds after kick-off -Indonesia is the world's largest island country, with more than 13,000 islands. -Facebook is primarily blue because Mark Zuckerberg suffers red-green color blindness. -South Africa is one of the few in Africa never to have had a coup d'etat, and regular elections have been held for almost a century -In professional shooting, Alcohol is considered to be a performance-enhancing drug because it relaxes you and slows your heart rate enough to give you an edge. -The original torch of the Statue of Liberty replaced in 1984 by a new copper torch covered in 24k gold leaf -1 in every 8 deaths on earth are linked to air pollution, a study says -Sympathizing with Kim Jong-un, leader of North Korea, is an illegal act in South Korea. Even blogging can land you in jail -Spiders can survive for hours underwater by entering a self-induced coma -Couples who are in love synchronize their heart rates after gazing into each others' eyes for three minutes. -51% of Italians can't afford a vacation. -The main exporter of Brazil nuts is not Brazil. It's Bolivia -Israel is so small, you can run through it from west to east in 2 hours and from top to bottom in 9 days. -Late-night dancing was illegal in Japan until 2015. -Right-handed people tend to chew food on the right side while left-handed tend to chew on the left side. -Barack Obama won a Grammy in 2006 for the audio version of his memoir, "Dreams From My Father." -A cooling cap can prevent breast cancer patients facing chemotherapy from losing their hair. -The heart symbol was first used to denote love in the 1250. Prior to that, it represented foliage. -If Bill Gates was a country he would be the #63 richest on earth. -Researchers found 1,458 new species of bacteria in belly buttons. -Argentina's economy is Latin America's third-largest and the second largest in South America. -In Japan there are more pets than children. -Every day, 16% of the searches that occur are ones that Google has never seen before. -Starbucks spends more money on health insurance for its employees than on coffee beans. -An 11-year-old girl gave Pluto its name -4% of the sand on Normandy beaches are still made up of metal particles from D-Day landings. -When two people kiss, they exchange between 10 million and 1 billion bacteria. -"Mortimer Mouse" was the original name of Mickey Mouse before Walt Disney's wife, Lillian, convinced him to change it. -In Cuba, the tourist economy operates with a different currency, the Convertible pesos (CUC), set at par with the US dollar. -Sign Language is one of three official languages of New Zealand. -George Washington is the only U.S. president to have received 100% of the electoral votes. -Contrary to popular belief, there are no wild tigers in Africa. Only in Asia. -Cuba has one of the highest literacy rates in the world: 99.8%. -Indonesia is home to the world's largest Islamic population. -Steve Jobs believed that his vegan diet would eliminate the need of showering -The first cloned dogs, six Canadian Labradors, started to work for South Korea's customs service as sniffers in 2009 -8 of the 12 host cities for the 2014 FIFA World Cup in Brazil are among the 50 most violent cities in the world -Africa is larger than China, USA, India, Mexico and a big part of Europe combined. -The Statue Of Liberty Was Inspired By The Roman Pagan Goddess Libertas -The type of music you listen to affects the way you perceive the world. -Honey is the only food that will never rot, it can last 3000 years. -3 Olympic swimming pools can hold all the gold ever mined in the world. -In the UK, all horses, ponies and donkeys must have a horse passport -Around 5,000 people attempted to escape over the Berlin Wall, with an estimated death toll ranging from 136 to more than 200. -Chimpanzees can identify each other from pictures of their butts. -10% of US electricity is made from dismantled atomic bombs. -With 83 million people, as of 2019, Germany has the EU's largest population -British Pennies are used to adjust the time in London's Big Ben clock tower. -American Civil War soldiers had a code of honor that forbade shooting at men while they were pooping. -Earth is the only place in the Solar System where water can be present in its three states: solid, liquid and vapour -Yoda, from Star Wars, was almost played by a monkey. -The Salema Porgy is a species of fish that can cause hallucinations when eaten. In Ancient Rome it was consumed as a recreational drug. -The longest kiss ever recorded lasted 58 hours, 35 minutes and 58 seconds. -Berlin is 9 times bigger than Paris and has more bridges than Venice -Every 13 minutes, a woman dies from breast cancer in the U.S. -If we could capture just 0.1% of the ocean's kinetic energy caused by tides, we could satisfy the current global energy demand 5 times over. -Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world's lakes combined -Our moon is bigger than Pluto and 1/4 the diameter of Earth -The giant panda is actually a bear -The Titanic is the only ocean liner to ever be sunk by an iceberg -Alaska has a sand desert with dunes over 150 feet (45 m) high -After World War I, there were so few men in Germany that only 1 in 3 women would find a husband -7% of Americans claim they never bathe -Autism affects about 21.7 million people in the world. -Apple headquarters' employees earn an average of US$125,000 a year. -Nguyen Ngoc Loan, the executioner from the famous Vietnam War photo, opened a pizza joint in Virginia after the war -Saturn's moon Enceladus has ice volcanoes -In Russia there are 9 million more Women than men -Bill Gates bought Da Vinci's Codex Leicester in 1994 for US$30 million. A few pages were used as screen saver on Windows 95. -For every 1 million tons of oil shipped, about 1 ton is spilled -Whales can suffer from sunburns -In 2015, a U.S. journalist was sentenced to 5 years in jail for posting a link on the web -South Koreans drink twice as much alcohol as Russians -A newborn baby has about one cup of blood in his body. -4%of women in the U.S. are pregnant right now -The world's longest hangover lasted 4 weeks after a Scotsman consumed 60 pints of beer. -In 1962, John F Kennedy secretly installed a taping system in the White House. -Men with shaved heads are perceived as an inch taller and 13% stronger than men with hair. -Ancient Greece's boys went to school at the age of 7 if they lived in Athens, or went to the barracks if they lived in Sparta. -Sleeping less than 7 hours each night reduces your life expectancy. -The average Facebook U S. user spends 38 minutes a day on the site. -The Guarani language, one of the official languages of Paraguay along with Spanish, is one of the most-widely spoken indigenous languages of the Americas and the only one whose speakers include a large proportion of non-indigenous people. -Wherever you are in the state of Florida, you're never more than 60 miles from the nearest body of salt water. -The 15-minute chimes on Big Ben have lyrics: "All through this hour / Lord be my guide / And by Thy power / No foot shall slide." -On September 11, 2001, 2,996 people were killed in the terrorist attacks at the World Trade Center in NYC, the Pentagon building in Virginia, and in a plane crash in Pennsylvania. -Muslims use only the right hand for eating and drinking. -Bill Gates' children will only inherit US$10 million each, out of his US$72 billion net worth. -In his first few days in office, Barack Obama ordered the closing of the Guantanamo Bay detention camp, but Congress prevented it. -The First Disneyland Admission Ticket Ever Sold was purchased for US$1 in 1955. -In Japan, KFC is a typical feast of Christmas Eve. -Greater London's population was estimated to be 8.63 million in January 2015, the highest level since 1939 -Your bones are composed of 31% water -The Netherlands has more bicycles than people, 1.3 per person -From the Middle Ages up to 1809, Finland was part of Sweden. -The Aztecs sacrificed 1% of their population every year, or about 250,000 people. -1 out of 42 boys and 1 in 189 girls are diagnosed with autism in the U.S. -Up to 1.5 billion people still do not have access to reliable phone services -Christians believe that Jesus is the Son of God and the savior of humanity whose coming as the Messiah was prophesied in the Old Testament. -The Moon is not round, but egg shaped. -Venezuela had the world's highest inflation rate in 2015 with over 141% -Japan suffers 1,500 earthquakes every year. -Some parts of Antarctica have had no rain or snow for the last 2 million years -Exercise, like walking, can reduce breast cancer risk by 25%. -Julius Caesar, Mark Antony and Octavian, all made pilgrimages to Alexander the Great's tomb in Alexandria. -Contact lenses were first proposed by Leonardo Da Vinci in 1508. -From birth to toilet training, a baby goes through an average of 8000 diaper changes. -The last person who died at the Berlin Wall attempted to escape in a hot air balloon but fell to his death. -While dinosaurs were ancestrally bipedal, many extinct groups included quadrupedal species, and some were able to shift between these stances. -The Longest Tunnel in the World is 57 km long and goes from Switzerland to Italy underneath Alps. It took 17 Years to Build. -Many scientists believe that an asteroid hit the Yucatan Peninsula of Mexico 65.5 million years ago and caused or contributed to the extinction of dinosaurs. -1089 x 9 = 9801. -President Obama has read every Harry Potter book. -Switzerland sent 31 soldiers to Afghanistan in 2003, its first military deployment since 1815. -The 'de-militarized' zone between North and South Korea is the world's most militarized zone -Airlines make more money selling air miles than seats: between 1.5 and 2.5 cents per mile. -An average swimming pool loses 1,000 gallons (3,785 L) a month to evaporation and other causes -Over 30% of cancer could be prevented by avoiding tobacco and alcohol, having a healthy diet and physical activity. -The Atlantic Ocean is big enough to let every person in the US have their own cubic kilometer in it. -Part of the White House was built by slaves -John F Kennedy had such concerns about the space program's high cost, that he proposed partnering with the Soviet Union on a joint expedition to the moon. -Martin Luther King Jr. is a Grammy Award winner for Best Spoken Word Album. -During the past 40 years, at least 20% of the Amazon rainforest has been cut down -In the UK, accents change noticeably about every 25 miles (40km) -When the "Elephant Whisperer" Lawrence Anthony died, a herd of elephants arrived at his house to mourn him -Women are approximately two times more likely than men to suffer from major depression. -The American Civil War broke out in 1861 when the Confederates attacked a U.S. fortress, Fort Sumter, and ended with the surrender of all Confederate armies in 1865. -Australia has the world's 12th-largest economy and it had the world's 5th-highest per-capita income in 2014. -Marijuana is legal and is not even classified as a drug in North Korea. -10 times more people suffer from major depression now than in 1945. -In 1963, an East German soldier stole a tank drove it through the Berlin Wall to escape. -Florida was the first part of the continental U.S. to be visited by Europeans. Spanish conquistador Juan Ponce de Leon gave it its name, meaning "flowery land." -You can navigate YouTube in more than 80 different languages, covering 95% of the Internet population -1 in 8 adolescents in the U.S. have clinical depression. -Christopher Columbus Italian name was Cristoforo Colombo. He was a citizen of the Republic of Genoa. -Martin Luther King Jr. was jailed 29 times. -1 in 3 Jews in the U.S. put up a Christmas tree in their home during the holiday season, a survey found. -In China, over 35 million people still live in caves. -August 2014 was the warmest August ever recorded globally. -Judaism believes in another Torah (Bible) that Moses passed down orally in an unbroken chain from generation to generation for 1,400 years. -Oil is cheaper than water in Venezuela and Saudi Arabia -Instant Coffee was invented by a man called George Washington around 1910. -The key to happiness is spending your money on experiences rather than possessions, according to studies. -1 in 50,000 penguins are born with brown rather than black plumage -James Harrison has donated blood over 1,000 times saving over 2 million unborn babies from Rhesus disease. -100 million people come to India's Kumbh Mela Festival, the world's biggest gathering of humans -The "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas" sign was created in 1959. -California contains both the highest point (Mount Whitney) and the lowest point (Death Valley) in the contiguous United States. -The concept behind the word "cool" might come from the African word "itutu", brought to America by slavery -Venus has more volcanoes than any other planet in the solar system, with over 1600 -Advertising to children under the age of 12 is illegal in Norway and Sweden. -The longest hot dog ever was made in Paraguay and had 668 ft (203 m). -600,000 hacking attempts are made to Facebook accounts every day. -Slavery was not made a statutory offense in the UK until April 6, 2010 -If an atom were as big as the Solar System, a neutrino would as small as a golf ball -The head of the Statue of Liberty was displayed at the World's Fair of 1878 in Paris -In 1942, the Canadians and the British Navy launched a practice invasion of France, the "Dieppe Raid." 20% were killed, 10% wounded, 30% captured. The lessons learned in that disaster lead to D-Day's success. -Mount Everest is littered with not just the corpses of climbers but an estimated 50 tons of waste, making it world's dirtiest mountain -In October 1941, more than 50,000 Jews were killed by Romanian troops in what is now known as the "Odessa massacre." -It takes approximately 400 cacao beans to make one pound (450 gr.) of chocolate. -The Earth, seen from the moon, also goes through phases. -The average lifespan of a dolphin is 15 years. However, some of them lived 50 years. -Dinosaurs are not, technically, extinct, since birds are considered by science as a type of dinosaur. -Gold is edible. -The eruption of the Krakatoa volcano in Indonesia is believed to be the reason why the sky is red in Edvard Munch's painting "The Scream", set in Norway -A lack of exercise is now causing as many deaths as smoking across the world, a study suggests. -Arabic is an official language in Israel along with Hebrew. -In an average lifetime human skin completely replaces itself 900 times. -Walt and Roy Disney formed Disney Brothers Cartoon Studio in 1923. In 1926, the name was changed to Walt Disney Studio. -Humans have the same number of hair follicles as chimpanzees. -The CIA had a plot to use a depilatory chemical on Fidel Castro to cause his beard to fall out. -The movie Gravity was more expensive than the Indian Mars mission. -"Good cholesterol" (HDL) can "turn bad" and solidify into fat-clogs. -Iceland's population is smaller than that of Anaheim, California. -With a mainland area of 2,780,400 km2 (1,073,500 sq mi), Argentina is the eighth-largest country in the world. -Saturn's rings are only 30 to 300 feet (9 to 90 meters) thick -Around 1300 CE, Polynesians settled in today's New Zealand, and developed the distinctive Maori culture. -Denmark's population is the second happiest in the world according to the 2019 World Happiness Report. -13.8% of the world's population are Hindus. -Elvis Presley was just 22 years old when he paid US$102,500 for Graceland, the Memphis mansion that served as his home base for two decades. -The largest recorded earthquake in the U.S. was a magnitude 9.2 that struck Prince William Sound, Alaska in 1964 -Sweden had a Charles VII but no Charles I to VI -The name "Jessica" first appeared in Shakespeare's play "The Merchant of Venice. -Spiders can walk on water, and breathe under it, too -In the Netherlands, there are dozens of public facilities where you can bring recreational drugs including marijuana, cocaine and ecstasy to test if they are safe. -Europe and Africa are only separated by 14.3 km (8.9 mi) of ocean and there are talks of creating the longest bridge ever. -Alexander the Great founded 70 cities, naming at least 20 after himself and one after his horse. -Your mobile phone has more computing power than the computers used for the Apollo 11 moon landing. -The lion from MGM is called "Leo the Lion". -The United States and Gabon are the only two countries that allow experimentation on chimpanzees. -In Buddhism, Karma is the force that drives the cycle of suffering and rebirth for each being. -Pluto has ice made out of water and a blue sky -In his lifetime, a man spends almost six months shaving. -20% of women in the U.S. earn at least $5,000 more than their spouse -Penguins can jump up to 6 feet (1.8 m) out of the water -80% of humanity lives on less than US$10 per day -Einstein's Nobel Prize money went to his ex-wife as a divorce settlement. -7 million Buddhists are found outside of Asia. -The average adult in Switzerland has a net worth of US$513,000 -The First YouTube Video was uploaded in April 2005, featuring its co-founder Jawed Karim at the San Diego Zoo -In 2008, Norway knighted a penguin. -Barack Obama, the 44th President of the U.S., was the first African American to hold the office and the first born outside of the continental U.S. -Covering nearly 40 square miles, Walt Disney World Resort in Florida is about the size of San Francisco or two Manhattan islands. -U.S. troops in Vietnam employed over 5,000 'war dogs' -In 1973, Nixon gave Colombia a lunar rock collected during the Apollo 17 landing. The plaque reads "Presented to the People of the Republic of Columbia." -As of 2008, land degradation affected 1.5 billion people globally -North Korea, independent since 1948, is not recognized by Japan and South Korea. -The Horse Head used in the movie "The Godfather" was real -During Islam's Golden Age, scientists were paid the equivalent of what pro athletes are paid today. -There're more bacteria in your mouth than there are people in the world. -An Indian man claims he hasn't eaten or drunk for 70 years. After many tests, doctors still don't know how it's possible -Whales drown if they remain underwater for over 30 minutes -After Christianity, the largest religious affiliation in the U.S. is Judaism. -The blood you donate is sold on the open market and it's a US$4.5 billion per year industry. -Every second, the Sun sends to earth 10 times more neutrinos than the number of people on earth -The Italian mafia accounts for 7% of Italy's GDP. -Despite assassination plots, an invasion and five decades of economic sanctions, Fidel Castro outlasted nine U.S. presidents in power, from Eisenhower to Clinton. -Lack of oxygen in the brain for 5 to 10 minutes results in permanent brain damage -Residents of Churchill, Canada, leave their cars unlocked to offer an escape for pedestrians who might encounter Polar Bears -All Dutch electric trains are powered by wind energy, serving 600,000 passengers daily -40% of schizophrenics are left-handed, despite being only 10% of the world's population. -If your laptop feels hot, don't put it on your lap if you're a man, it may cause infertility. -JFK's application to Harvard was just 5 sentences long. -Modern versions of enslavement are estimated to trap about 45 million people worldwide. -More gold is recoverable from a ton of personal computers than from 17 tons of gold ore. -Japan has more than 50,000 people who are over 100 years old. -France once controlled more than 8% of the world's land. -15% of American adults do not use the Internet -The Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962 started as a result of information from a Russian spy who was executed by Russia the following year. -The water in a blue whale's mouth weighs as much as its entire body -The chances of us eating even one spider in our sleep throughout our lifetime is close to 0% -Dolphins and whales give birth with the tail first instead of the head. -Demand for quinoa in Western nations has pushed up prices so much that poorer people in Peru and Bolivia, where quinoa is from, can no longer afford their staple crop -If you have US$10 in your pocket and no debts, you are wealthier than 25% of Americans. -Lack of sleep can cause weight gain of 2 pounds (0.9 kg)in under a week. -It takes the Solar System about 240 million years to complete one orbit of the Galaxy -Most dinosaurs are known from just a single tooth or bone. -In 1908 the Imperial Russian Olympic Team arrived in London 12 days too late for the games because they were not using the Gregorian calendar yet -George Washington died after his doctors removed 40% of his blood (80 ounces) over a 12-hour period to cure a throat infection. -Exposure to Secondhand smoke causes nearly 50,000 deaths each year in the U.S. alone -LSD was legal in California until 1966. -Chimps use medicinal plants to treat themselves for illness and injury. -The name "Amazon" comes from the "Amazons" of Greek mythology, a race of woman warriors. In many tribes of the area, women fought alongside the men -Some historians believe that Columbus visited Iceland's Snaefellsnes Peninsula in 1477 and there learned of Viking explorations of the New World. -Warner Music collected over US$2 million in royalties in 2008 for public usage of the "Happy Birthday" song. -Chicken contains 266% more fat than it did 40 years ago. -In 1891, London built a structure designed to surpass the Eiffel Tower in height. It was unsteady, never completed and demolished in 1907 -Apple has more operating cash than the U.S. Treasury. -Elvis Presley hated John Lennon and wanted to beat him up for his anti-war stance. -31% of rock star deaths are related to drugs or alcohol. -The Sagrada Familia church in Spain, has been under construction for over 130 years and it's only expected to be complete by 2026 -In 1801, the Kingdom of Ireland and the Kingdom of Great Britain merged to create a United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland. -In military terms, D-Day means a date and H-Hour a time for combat operations. -The Bible is widely considered to be the best-selling book of all time, with estimated total sales of over 5 billion copies. -95% of Paraguayans are mestizos: people of mixed Spanish and Native-American ancestry. -Octopuses are eaten alive in Korea. -Every August 13 this celebrated "Left-Handers Day" since 1996. -Angel Falls in Venezuela is 17 times higher than Niagara -1 in 10 known species in the world lives in the Amazon Rainforest -The world's largest pyramid is not in Egypt but in Mexico. -Martin Luther King, Jr.'s original name was Michael Luther King, Jr. -In France, you can marry a dead person. -There's a volcano in Indonesia that spews blue flames. -Traffic in central London moves at the same speed as horse-drawn carriages a century ago -Iceland was the most peaceful place on Earth for six years straight since 2010, according to the Institute for Economics and Peace. -Koalas sleep up to 20 hours a day. -14 billion pounds (6B Kg.) of garbage are dumped into the ocean every year. Most of it is plastic. -London attracted over 16 million international visitors in 2014, making it the world's most visited city -142 million girls throughout the world will be married before the age of 18 by 2020 if present trends continue -Hinduism has no single founder, founding incident or date of origin. -The Musicians of the Titanic kept playing music for hours as the ship sank. -Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the Sun. -Men spend almost a year of their lives staring at women, a survey found. -About 24,000 people are killed by lightning strikes around the world each year. -Holding a vibrator against a person's throat relaxes the vocal muscles, thereby improving their voice quality -Severe Depression can cause us to biologically age more by increasing the aging process in cells. -If it were a country, California would be the 8th economy in the world and the 35th most populous. -Koalas are excellent swimmers. -Climbing the Mount Everest cost around US$65,000 -37% of Americans think global warming is a hoax. -89% of people in Sweden speak English. -3.2 million people visit the Statue of Liberty every year -If you were to put Saturn in water, it would float -The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) reported in 2010 that 97,123 animals suffered pain during experiments while being given no anesthesia for relief. -About 90% of the world's earthquakes occur along the Ring of Fire, an area in the basin of the Pacific Ocean. -The FBI has a Twitter slang dictionary -Harry Potter's author J.K. Rowling lost her billionaire status because she donated so much of her money to charity. -A Japanese man survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki atomic bombings during WW2. -Two zebras died of hunger in a zoo in Palestine and were replaced with donkeys painted with black and white stripes -The Sunrise in parts of China can be as late as 10 AM because the country joined its five time zones into a single one. -D-Day was the largest seaborne invasion in history, with over 156,000 men landing in Normandy. -Four forward compartments could flood without risk of the Titanic sinking. Six did -The woman who rented her garage to Larry Page and Sergey Brin in 1998 when they were creating Google later became the CEO of YouTube -80% of information stored on all computers in the world is in English. -The U.S. government poisoned alcohol during Prohibition in the 20s and 30s, killing over 10,000 people -Pluto has a heart shape on its surface -George Washington was worth US$525 million in his day, when adjusted for inflation. -Sharks kill 12 people per year while people kill 11,417 sharks per hour. -Italy has the eighth-largest economy in the world. -The first heart transplant using a "dead heart" was performed by surgeons in Australia, in October 2014. -Steve Jobs never wrote a single line of programming code -Elizabeth II is the Queen of New Zealand and the head of state. -Kokura, Japan, was the original target of the atomic bomb that landed in Nagasaki. -China is the world's largest supplier of Bibles. -Women spend nearly one year of their lives deciding what to wear -Placebos are 31% to 38% effective in treating depression, compared to 46% to 54% for antidepressants. -George Washington was a ginger. -The average ocean depth is 2.5 miles (4 km). -Parents of new babies miss out on 6 months worth of sleep in the first 2 years of their child's life. -29,000 rubber ducks were lost at sea in 1992, and are still being found, revolutionizing our knowledge of ocean science. -Atomic bomb tests were a major tourist attraction in Las Vegas during the 1950s. -New Zealand is part of the "Zealandia" continent, of which, 93% is submerged. -In Norway, stripping counts as an art form for tax purposes. -Alexander The Great succeeded his father, Philip II, to the throne of Macedonia at the age of 20. -Chocolate magnate Milton Hershey canceled his reservations for the Titanic due to last minute business matters. -Over 800,000 people are arrested for marijuana in the U.S. each year. -Unlike many religions, Buddhism has no single central text that is universally referred to by all traditions. -Anne Frank wrote most of her diary in the form of letters to a person named "Kitty." -1 in 3 Americans is obese. -Venezuela was the most murderous place on Earth in 2015, where one person was murdered every 21 minutes -Bolivia was named after Simon Bolivar, a military leader who led Colombia, Venezuela, Ecuador, Peru, Panama and Bolivia to independence. -Shakespeare invented about 1,700 words that we use today -The top ten deadliest snakes can be found in Australia -The CIA reads up to5 million tweets a day -In 2013, Yuichiro Miura, an 80-year-old Japanese, became the oldest person to make it to the top of Mount Everest and down -Neptune has the strongest winds in the Solar System: 2,100 km/hour (1,304 mph) -More than 1,000 white farmers have been killed in South Africa since 1990 -There are more skin cancer cases due to indoor tanning than lung cancer cases due to smoking. -The average woman in the UK owns 19 pairs of shoes, but wears only 7 -In Germany, there's no punishment for a prisoner who tries to escape from jail because it is a basic human instinct to be free -If you drilled a tunnel straight through the Earth and jumped in, it would take you about 42 minutes to get to the other side. -Sweden banned spanking and other corporal punishments of children in 1979 -Denmark's current flag design was first used in 1219. No other modern country has used its flag for so long. -Alexander The Great began his reign by eliminating potential rivals to the throne, including his cousin, the former Amyntas IV, who was executed. -A 2011 poll of nearly 1,000 biomedical scientists conducted by the science journal Nature found that more than 90% agreed that the use of animals in research is essential. -Krusty the Clown was originally created to be Homer's secret identity -In 2013, soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo opened a museum dedicated to himself -Mexico's official name is United Mexican States. -There's only one all-white humpback whale known in the world -California has been the birthplace of the film industry, the hippie counterculture, the Internet, and the personal computer. -Cubans were prohibited from owning cell phones until 2008. -South Africa is the world's 24th-most populous nation, with over 55 million people -Paris was originally a Roman city called "Lutetia". -The population of Finland is 5.5 million as of 2019, with a density of 18 inhabitants per square km, the lowest in the EU. -At the ocean's deepest point, the water pressure is the equivalent of having 50 jumbo jets piled on top of you. -Leonardo Da Vinci was homeschooled and lacked a formal education in Greek and Latin. -George Washington stopped the Revolutionary War to return a lost dog to the enemy. -Most of Las Vegas' iconic hotels and even its famous welcome sign aren't technically located in the city of Las Vegas. They are in an unincorporated township called Paradise, Nevada. -The Afghan War is the longest war in U.S. history. -The year 2010 was the warmest on record. -Your heartbeat changes and mimics the music you listen to. -Benjamin Franklin invented the bifocals eyeglasses in 1784. -Antarctica is the largest desert in the world. -Humans have been hunter-gatherers for 99% of their history. -The Soviets landed a spacecraft on Venus in 1970. It became the first to land on another planet and the first to transmit data from there back to Earth -In 1986, a volcanic lake in Cameroon, Africa burped a C02 gas cloud that killed 1,746 people in minutes -There's a cruise ship that runs between Stockholm, Sweden, and Helsinki, Finland, just to purchase cheap alcohol. -The Harry Potter brand has been estimated to be worth as much as US$15 billion. -Within three days of death, the enzymes that once digested your dinner begin to eat you. -In 1998, TIME Magazine named Bart Simpson one of the most influential people of the century. -The declaration and fight for independence of Argentina that started in 1810 was followed by an extended civil war that lasted until 1880. -There are 100 divorces every hour in the U.S. -Islam believes to be the complete and universal version of a primordial faith revealed many times before through prophets like Adam, Noah, Abraham, Moses, and Jesus. -Worldwide, an estimated 5,000 women and girls are murdered every year for a perceived dishonor to their families -The Eiffel Tower is the most-visited paid monument in the world: 6.07 million people in 2018 -In 2019, Apple grew to 139,000 employees around the world. -Hinduism believes the conditions of one's present life are due to karma, or accumulated good or bad behavior in past lives. -About 300,000 pedestrians, the population of Iceland, pass through Times Square every day. -The Ancient Greeks exercised naked. -About 153,000 people will die on your birthday. -On its one-year anniversary, the NASA's Curiosity Rover sang the Happy Birthday tune to itself on Mars. -Doctors' sloppy handwriting kills more than 7,000 people annually. -Brazil's economy is the world's 8th-largest by GDP as of 2019. -Some Fish, like the Triggerfish, can swim backward. -Listening to music while working out measurably improves physical performance. -The Quran emphasizes bodily resurrection, a break from the pre-Islamic Arabian understanding of death. -1.9 million people were working for McDonald's in 2019 and its franchisees around the world. -Since 1870, global sea levels have risen by about 8 inches (20 cm). -When Columbus "discovered" the Americas, the continent was already inhabited by 90 million people which was a third of the world's population. -The average office desk has 400 times more bacteria than a toilet. -The strongest beer in the world has a 67.5% alcohol content. -The death penalty was outlawed in the UK partly because a man was wrongfully executed for the murder of his wife and daughter in 1950. -The majority of Internet traffic is not generated by humans, but bots like Google and Malware -There were once camels roaming in the deserts of Arizona. -Being hit by lightning causes weird skin designs called "Lichtenberg figures." -In the UK, if you reach your 100th birthday, you get a personalized card from the Queen -There's no physical description of Jesus in the Bible. -Germany's decades-long tendency to population decline has been offset by waves of immigration -People who work 11 hours or more a day are 67% more likely to have a heart attack than people with an 8-hour work day, according to a study. -There is a sect, offshoot of Christianity, that believes Jesus is currently living in China as a Chinese woman. -A porcupine can fight off a pride of lions. -75% of the world's active and dormant volcanoes are in the Ring of Fire, an area in the basin of the Pacific Ocean. -Only female mosquitoes drink blood. Males are vegetarians. -Herrings communicate through farts. -The first webcam was created in Cambridge to check the status of a coffee pot. -About 100 billion people have died in all human history. -Neuroscientists believe babies don't dream for the first few years of their life. -The Queen of England owns a McDonald's near Buckingham Palace. -Bart Simpson's name is an anagram of BRAT. His full name is Bartholomew Jojo Simpson -2.4 billion people used Facebook at least once a month in Q2 2019, while 1.5 billion used it every day. -There's a Golf Club on the border of Sweden and Finland: half the holes are in one country and half in the other. -The inventor of the Chocolate Chip Cookie sold the idea to Nestle Toll House in return for a lifetime supply of chocolate. -Paraguay and Brazil's Itaipu Dam is the hydroelectric plant that produces more energy in the world, setting a new world record in 2016. -Smoking costs the U.S. US$333 billion per year in health-care expenses and lost productivity to boot. -Publisher Bloomsbury offered just 2,500 in advance for Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, the first book of the series. -Pandas can poop up to 40 times a day -Anne Frank was born Annelies Marie Frank on June 12, 1929. -350 million people of all ages around the world suffer from depression. -Giraffes only need 5 to 30 minutes of sleep in a 24-hour period. -Michael Phelps, the most decorated Olympian of all time, was bullied as a kid for his gangly form and big ears. -The fastest a dolphin can swim near the surface is 33.5 mph (54 km/h). -Harry Potter and author JK Rowling share the same birthday -There are more living organisms in a teaspoonful of soil than there are people on earth. -There are 177,147 ways to tie a tie, according to mathematicians. -One of the widest freeways in the world is the Katy Freeway, part of the Interstate 10 in Texas, with up to 26 lanes across -All characters on The Simpson's have just 4 fingers on each hand, except for one with five: God -The pyramids were built by paid laborers. Not slaves. That's a myth by Herodotus, the Greek historian -In 15 years of conquest, Alexander The Great never lost a battle. -Iran sentences its citizens to the death penalty if they decide to change their religion from Islam. -English words "I", "we", "two", and "three" are among the most ancient, from thousands of years. -Facebook has 100 million active users in Africa. -China has the world's largest standing army and second-largest defense budget as of 2019. -Pluto never made a full revolution around the sun while it was still considered a planet -Benjamin Franklin was born in Boston, Massachusetts, on January 17, 1706. He lived 85 years. -1 billion people still defecate in the open, in the absence of a toilet -Scientists have discovered that monkeys are susceptible to optical illusions, just like humans. -If you were drafted during the American Civil War you could legally pay someone else $300 to go in your place. -Qatar's 2022 World Cup will take more lives than 9/11 due to horrible working conditions for migrant workers building stadiums and infrastructure -In 1981, a man who had been bullying residents of a small Missouri town was murdered in broad daylight when 46 people rose up against him, in an act of vigilante justice. -All characters on The Simpson's are based on, and named after his creator Matt Groening's family -Saturn's rings are younger than the dinosaurs. They were likely formed just 100 million years ago. -Las Vegas is home to 17 of the 20 largest hotels in the U.S. -In western Iran, there's a viper with a fake spider for a tail -Apple sold 572,000 iPhones per day in 2018. -You can change your language on Facebook to "Pirate." -On average, soccer players run as far as 9.5 miles in a single match. -Smoking causes 1 in every 5 deaths in the U.S. every year -Of modern countries currently independent, New Zealand was the first to allow women the vote. -La Tomatina is an annual festival held in Spain where people throw thousands of tomatoes at each other. -After WW1, Finland, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, and Poland emerged as independent nations. -Alexander the Great was tutored by Aristotle until the age of 16. -Every Apple iPhone ad displays the time as 9:41 AM, the time Steve Jobs unveiled it in 2007 -Kissing someone for one minute burns about 2 calories. -Stalin didn't start learning Russian until he was 8. His mother tongue was Georgian -2,520 is the smallest number that can be exactly divided by all the numbers 1 to 10. -Dolphins have the longest memory in the animal kingdom. -The 7 spikes on the Statue of Liberty's crown represent the 7 oceans and the 7 continents of the world, indicating the universal concept of liberty -Romantic love is biochemically indistinguishable from having a severe obsessive-compulsive disorder. -It would take less than 6 months to get to the Moon by car at 60mph (95km/h). -Research shows that if you're afraid of spiders, you're more likely to find one in your bedroom -20,000 children die worldwide every day due to poverty -The theory that the Sun is the center around which the planets orbit was first proposed by the ancient Greek Aristarchus of Samos in the 3rd century BC -The Amazon rainforest has been in existence for at least 55 million years -During his time as a Congressman and later as U.S. President, John F Kennedy donated all of his salary to charity. -The English word Bible comes from the Latin "biblia" which means "books". -Sideburns are named after American Civil War General, General Burnside. -In the U.S., 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime. -Spiders eat their own webs to recycle them -Prostitution is legal in Canada. Buying the services of a prostitute is not -Humans killed at least 2.8 million whales in the 20th century -Japanese Trains are among the world's most punctual: their average delay is just 18 seconds. -Hinduism worships over 33 million gods or demigods. -Depression can cause you to dream up to 3 to 4 times more than you normally would. -Nelson Mandela slept on a thin mat on a stone floor for most of his 27 years in prison. -Proportionally speaking, the most destructive war in modern history was the War of the Triple Alliance, which took the lives of over 60% of Paraguay's population, leaving a woman/man ratio of 4 to 1. -North Korea has 51 "Social Categories" ranked by their loyalty to the regime. -About 2,000 pandas are found in the wild -The oldest known fossil penguin species lived in the early Paleocene epoch of New Zealand, about 62 million years ago -Heavy marijuana smokers are at risk for some of the same health effects as cigarette smokers, like bronchitis and other respiratory illnesses. -All of the 20 richest women in the world --except for #17-- inherited their money from either their husband or their father -London was founded by the Romans, who named it Londinium -160,000 U.S. children miss school every day due to a fear of bullying. -Coffee is most effective if consumed between 9:30 am and 11:30 am. -In the U.K., it is legal for kids over 5 years old to drink alcohol at home or on other private premises -YouTube was founded by 3 former employees of PayPal -The moon is moving away from us by 3.78 cm (1.48 in) a year. -The estimated number of dinosaur species that existed in the Mesozoic era is between 1,543 and 2,468 species. -An American Soldier ran across the border to North Korea in 1962 and lived there for the rest of his life. -There are Potato Chips Dipped in Milk Chocolate. -Before trees were common, the Earth was covered with giant mushrooms. -About 300 couples marry in Las Vegas every day. -Antarctica is about 1.3 times as large as Europe -In 2001, the World Christian Encyclopedia counted 33,830 different Christian denominations. -Cats, from lions and tigers right down to domestic felines, cannot taste anything sweet. -1 out of every 8 Americans is from California, the most populous state, with 39.9 million people as of 2019. -Facebook has 43,030 full-time employees as of September 30, 2019. -A cat has been the mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska for 15 years -McDonald's is not the world's largest restaurant chain. Subway is. -60% of the world's population live in countries where the death penalty is legal, such as China, India, the U.S. and Indonesia. -In London, it is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament -The average toilet uses 6 litres (1.6 gal) of clean water in a single flush -Ancient Egyptians worshiped over 1,400 different gods and goddesses. -HP Printer black ink is more expensive than blood. -Floating cities above the clouds of Venus may be our best bet for becoming a two-planet species. Conditions there are so similar to Earth a human wouldn't need a pressurized suit, the gravity is similar and transit times are shorter than to Mars -A child dies every 8 seconds from contaminated water -In ancient Greek, the word "idiot" meant anyone who wasn't a politician. -Finland is the world's happiest country, according to the 2019 World Happiness Report. -The parliament of Iceland, established in 930, is the oldest active parliament in the world. -There's a toilet-themed restaurant in Taiwan, where food is served on miniature toilets -Nelson Mandela and his first wife divorced after 13 years because of his adultery, and the fact that she was a member of the Jehovah's Witnesses, a religion requiring political neutrality. -In 2010, Minnesota used more cats for testing than any other state (2,703), New Jersey used the most dogs (6,077), and Massachusetts used the most primates (7,458). -The Statue of Liberty was intended for Egypt. -Earthquakes turn water into gold. -George Washington never wore a wig: his hair was naturally long and lustrous, although he did use powder to make it white. -There are about 500,000 detectable earthquakes in the world each year. 100,000 of those can be felt, and 100 of them cause damage. -A teaspoon of water contains about 500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 atoms in it. -The average smoker in the U.S. spends US$1,500 to US$3,300 a year -Disney owns 80% of ESPN. -By the end of 2019, Facebook had offices in 70 cities worldwide. -Martin Luther King Jr. was the youngest person to win the Nobel Peace Prize until Malala won it on 2014. -An individual horse has a peak power output of 14.9 horsepower -China is the world's most populous country, with an estimated 1.4 billion people as of 2019, and the third-largest by land area. -The richest man in Asia, Sir Ka-shing Li, dropped out of school at the age of 15. -A person from Las Vegas is called a "Las Vegan". -Bananas are slightly radioactive. -Human life expectancy has increased more in the last 50 years than in the previous 200,000 years of human existence. -Flowers can grow faster by listening to music. -The word "Dinosaur" comes from the ancient Greek and means "terrible lizard". -France is the most visited country in the world: 83 million tourists in 2012. -Of all the solar system's planets, Venus is the closest to a twin of Earth, with a similar size, orbit and composition -If you have a pizza with radius Z and thickness A, its volume is = Pi*Z*Z*A -The Bible was Isaac Newton's greatest passion, writing more about religion than science and mathematics. -Underweight models are banned in Israel to fight against anorexia. -If people worldwide switched to energy efficient lightbulbs the world would save US$120 billion annually -It's illegal in many countries to perform surgery on an octopus without anesthesia due to their intelligence. -In 1999, the U.S. government paid the Zapruder family US$16 million for the film of JFK's assassination. -The original tapes of the Apollo 11 moon landing were erased and re-used by mistake. -Women speak about 20,000 words a day. That's 13,000 more than the average man -In the border between Egypt and Sudan, there are795 sq miles (2,060 km2) of land unclaimed by neither. -McDonald's makes about US$75 million per day. -Tokyo Disneyland was the first Disney theme park outside of the U.S. It was opened in April 1983. -Vietnamese don't call it the "Vietnam War," they call it the "Resistance War Against America. -Recycling one aluminum can saves enough energy to listen to a full album on your iPod -The official Twitter account of @Sweden is given to a random citizen every week to manage -Brazil has the 2nd highest number of airports in the world, after the U.S. -There are more life forms living on your skin than there are people on the planet. -Vegetarians are 19% less likely to die from heart disease, a study found. -It snows metal on planet Venus -Newton invented/discovered calculus in about the same amount of time the average student learns it. -Every adult Muslim must go on a pilgrimage to Mecca at least once in a lifetime if he is physically and financially capable. -A man in Nebraska is breeding red cows and sending them to Israel so that Jews build a Third Temple and "Jesus comes again". -90% of the world's fresh water is in Antarctica -Historically, for every 100 climbers who have made it to the summit of Mount Everest, 4 have died -6 months takes to make an episode of The Simpsons -Robert F. Kennedy was shot by a Palestinian because of his strong support for Israel. -London ranked as the 6th most expensive city to live in 2016 -Some Buddhist monks in Japan used to practice self-mummification by adhering to a special diet, then sealing themselves alive into burial chambers. -Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel which he politely declined. -In Finland, 9 out of 10 plastic bottles are returned for recycling and almost 100% of glass bottles are also recycled. -The word "mortgage" comes from a French word that means "death contract". -D'oh! is a real word in the Oxford English Dictionary . In The Simpsons scripts, it just says "annoyed grunt. -Benjamin Franklin was an advocate of "air baths", during which he would spend up to an hour reading or writing in his house completely naked. -Benjamin Franklin organised and was the first secretary of the American Philosophical Society. He was elected president in 1769. -Christianity is the world's largest religion, with over 2.4 billion adherents, about a third of the world's population. -Over 3 million people perished from war, slavery, and the mines in Hispaniola under the rule of Christopher Columbus. -Every resident of Alaska gets an annual "oil royalty check", a payment representing their share of revenue from Alaskan oil. In 2008, it was US$2,069 -In 5,000 years of human history, only one disease has been eradicated: smallpox. -Sitting for more than three hours a day can cut two years off a person's life expectancy. -Switzerland has the second highest life expectancy in the world with 83.4 years -Con artist Victor Lustig "sold" the Eiffel Tower to a scrap metal dealer -California's official state animal, the California grizzly bear, is extinct. -Mexico is the world's fattest country. -According to astronauts, space smells like seared steak, hot metal and welding fumes -In 2006, a woman farted on a plane and tried to cover up the smell by lighting matches, causing an emergency landing -Finland is part of Fennoscandia, not Scandinavia. -At its economic height, in the 5th and 4th centuries BC, Ancient Greece was the most advanced economy in the world. -Steve Jobs was awarded 141 new patents since his death -The stripes on each tiger are unique, like human fingerprints -Six ten-billionths of the Sun is gold -The first Google Doodle was dedicated to the Burning Man festival attended by Google founders in 1998. -Excavations throughout Italy revealed a Neanderthal presence dating back to some 200,000 years ago, while modern Humans arrived about 40,000 years ago. -First marriages that end in a divorce usually last approximately 8 years. -While most of the Amazon rainforest is in Brazil (60%), it's also in Peru (13%), Colombia (10%), Venezuela, Ecuador, Bolivia and three countries. -The Sahara desert stretches farther than the distance from New York to Los Angeles. -The global average sea level rose by 19 cm (7.4 in) from 1901 to 2010, as oceans expanded due to warming and melting ice -Beer was illegal in Iceland until March 1, 1989. Now, the date is celebrated every year in Reykjavik as Bjordagur, or Beer Day. -Pluto was demoted to dwarf planet status not because it was too small, but because it's not unique among a mass of objects that orbit the sun beyond Neptune -Many expensive Perfumes contain whale poop -In 1993, the U.S. Congress and President Clinton apologized for overthrowing the Hawaiian Kingdom in 1893 and acknowledged that the U.S. annexed Hawaii unlawfully. -A Vietnam War Sniper crawled for 3 days across 2000m of open field, killed a general with one shot, then crawled back -Fidel Castro holds the record for the longest speech ever delivered to the United Nations: 4 hours and 29 minutes, on Sept. 26, 1960. -Author J. K. Rowling wrote the final chapter of the last Harry Potter book in 1990, 7 years before the release of the first book. -The largest earthquake ever recorded was a magnitude 9.5 in Chile back in 1960. -The Minangkabau tribe of Indonesia, where marriage perpetuates the female line, refer to a husband as the "borrowed man." -1 in 3 people people lack access to basic sanitation services, such as toilets or latrines -All prisoners in Norway have internet in their cells. -Norway's public Universities are free for students from anywhere in the world. -Every year, Walt Disney World's "Lost and Found" collects more than 6,000 cell phones, 3,500 digital cameras, and 18,000 hats. -There's a direct descendant of Christopher Columbus alive today. He's a Spanish noble. -Barack Obama was the first sitting U.S. president to visit a federal prison. -Humans are 50% heavier and four inches taller in the past 100 years than they have been throughout most of human history. -In 1998, all 11 members of a soccer team in Africa were killed by lightning while leaving the other team unhurt. -A 13-year old boy in Florida was once arrested for excessive farting in school. -100 acres of Pizza are served in the U.S. every day -JFK has been the only Roman Catholic U.S. president. -Canada's population density is among the lowest in the world, at 3.7 inhabitants per sq km (9.6/sq mi) -Anne Frank's concentration camp was liberated by British troops just weeks after her death. -Al-Qaeda initially considered targeting nuclear power plants on 9/11 but decided against it, fearing things could "get out of control." -The Eiffel Tower is the tallest structure in Paris: 324 metres (1,063 ft) high -Many Fish can taste without even opening their mouths. -People in Africa and Asia have to walk an average of 3.7 miles (6 KM) to collect water. -Your brain uses 20% of the total oxygen and blood in your body -A man rode his bike from Sweden to Mount Everest and then tried to summit. He turned around 300 feet from the top -The US National Institutes of Health (NIH) spends $14 billion of its $31 billion annual budget on animal research. -If you earn more than US$21,000 a year, you are part of the richest 4% of the planet -Benjamin Franklin attempted to abolish slavery already in 1790. -Angelina Jolie's breast cancer announcement doubled the number of women being tested in its first few months. -In 1962, the U.S. blew up a hydrogen bomb in space that was 100 times more powerful than Hiroshima. -The U.S. purchased Alaska from Russia for just US$7.2 million in 1867 -California has more than 130,000 people in prison. -Apple earns US$300,000 per minute. -You can't cry on space because your tears won't ever fall -Two actors have died playing Judas in live Biblical productions by accidentally hanging themselves for real during his death scene -The Danish monarchy is over 1000 years old, making it the oldest monarchy in Europe still existing today. -The "I'm feeling lucky" button costs Google US$110 million per year, as it bypasses all ads. -50%is the lifetime risk of developing Cancer for a man in the U.S. -Swedish scientist Svante Arrhenius was the first to claim that fossil fuel combustion may eventually result in enhanced global warming already in 1896. -In 2004, Gates predicted that the problem of spam email would be gone within two years. -There is a "Gospel of Judas" not found in the Bible that speaks of Judas as the only one of Jesus' disciples who fully understood his teachings. He turned Jesus over to the Romans because Jesus asked him to. -Newton was secretly an Alchemist. -The Netherlands is the world's largest per capita consumer of coffee, averaging 2.4 cups of coffee per person per day -The world's biggest family lives together in India: a man with 39 wives and 94 children -In 1999, the founders of Google actually tried to sell it to Excite for just US$1 million. Excite turned them down. -A clean mouth has between 1,000 and 100,000 bacteria on each tooth. -In the wild, male lions live 10 to 14 years. -Baby foreskins are commonly used in cosmetic treatments. -George Washington is worshipped as a god by Japanese Shinto priests in Hawaii. -Japan's birth rate is so low adult diapers are sold more than baby diapers. -It's scientifically proven that even a small dose of POWER changes how a person's brain operates and diminishes empathy -McDonald's restaurants feed 68 million people every day. That's more than the entire population of the U.K. -.Sucking a king's nipples was a gesture of submission in ancient Ireland. -The world's oceans contain nearly 20 million tons of gold. -The San people of Southern Africa today use the same set of tools that were found in a Cave, dating to 44,000 years ago. -A russian woman in the 1700s gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quadruplets in just 40 years with the same man -Koala bears aren't bears: They're marsupials. -Tomato ketchup can prevent heart disease more effectively than fresh tomatoes. -The 'intense world theory of autism' suggests that autistic people shut down because they experience and feel too much. -Breathing the air of Beijing has the same health risks as smoking 21 cigarettes a day -The Earth's average global land and ocean surface temperature for September 2019 was 0.95C (1.71F) above the 20th century average. -In 1672, an angry mob of Dutchmen killed and ate their prime minister -McDonald's first menu items were hot dogs, not hamburgers. -Denmark has a population of 5.8 million people as of 2019. Despite a low birth rate, it keeps growing thanks to immigration. -Fortune cookies are not a traditional Chinese custom. They were invented in early 1900 in San Francisco. -It would take 1,200,000 mosquitoes, each sucking once, to completely drain the average human of blood. -In 2007, the CIA released documents that revealed the agency's collaboration with the italian mafia in a failed 1960 attempt to assassinate Fidel Castro. -North Korea is officially not Communist. Since 2009 its ideology is called "Juche". -Men lie 6 times a day, twice as often as women. -The New York Times wrote an article about every single 9/11 victim. -An Octopus doesn't have 8 arms but 6 arms and 2 legs. -The Mahabharata, used to teach the principles of Hinduism, is 1.8 million words long and is the longest poem in the world. -There are more bicycles in Copenhagen, Denmark, than people. -Cuba is the largest island in the Caribbean, with an area of 110,860 square kilometres (42,800 sq mi). -After 9/11, the Maasai tribe of Kenya gave 14 of their most important cattle to America as aid. -The Statue of Liberty has a 35-foot (10,6m) waistline -A third of all divorce filings of 2011 in the U.S. contained the word "Facebook." -In Iceland, you can hand-draw a map on a piece of mail without an address, and it will still make it to its destination. -Young elephants, pandas, koalas, and hippos eat the feces of their mothers. -Between 40% and 80% of the population of Classical Athens were slaves. -People who regularly eat dinner or breakfast in restaurants double their risk of becoming obese. -At any given time, 0.7% of the world is drunk. So 50 million people are drunk right now. -When the Golden Gate Bridge opened on May 27, 1937, the celebration lasted a week. -Bill Gates was arrested in New Mexico in 1977 for jumping a red light and driving without a license. -Both of Nelson Mandela's parents were illiterate. -Dogs have 13 blood types, horses have 8, cows have 9 while Humans only have 4 -YouTube has over 2 billion users, almost one-third of all people on the Internet -Norway introduced Salmon Sushi to the Japanese in the 80s. -In 1917, Germany invited Mexico to join WW1 by attacking the U.S. in order to recover the lost territories of Texas, New Mexico and Arizona -Americans throw away 2.5 million plastic bottles per hour. Each one takes 500 years to decompose -There's an empty place next to Muhammad's Tomb, Islam's main Prophet, reserved for Jesus. -Christmas was illegal in the U.S. until 1836 as it was considered an Ancient Pagan Holiday. -London's "Big Ben" is not the tower. It's the bell inside it. -Crucifixion is still an official form of death penalty in Sudan. -Elephants and chimpanzees can display behavior patterns similar to post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. -Spending money on others yields more happiness than spending it on yourself, a study concluded -M&Ms were created in 1941 as a means for soldiers to enjoy chocolate without it melting. -One-third of first heart attacks are fatal, and another third result in permanent damage to the heart. -Barack Obama's late father was a senior economist for the Kenyan government. -Denmark has been inhabited since around 12,500 BC and agriculture has been evident since 3,900 BC. -The average person takes 183,755,600 steps in a lifetime. -Kissing someone is more sanitary than shaking hands, if you want to avoid a cold. -Between 1492 and 1503, Christopher Columbus completed four round-trip voyages between Spain and the Americas, all of them under the sponsorship of the Crown of Castile. -A bolt of lightning contains enough energy to toast 160,000 pieces of bread. -In Mexico, artists can pay their taxes with artwork. -January 2019 was the hottest month ever in Australia, with average temperatures exceeding 30 C (86 F). -Texas has its own pledge of allegiance -Anne Frank was born in Frankfurt, Germany, but her family moved to Amsterdam in the early 1930s when the Nazis gained control. -Mount Everest has about 200 dead bodies on it, which are now landmarks on the way to the top -The weird bright dots you see floating when you look at the sky are your white blood cells -In Denmark, it's illegal to burn foreign flags, but not illegal to burn the Danish flag. -The tower where Big Ben is located is officially known as "Elizabeth Tower." It was completed in 1859. -Michael Jackson wanted to do a Harry Potter musical, but J.K. Rowling said no. -The Swiss own more guns per head than the Iraqis -1 billion hours of video are watched on YouTube every day -The word "bride" comes from an old proto-germanic word meaning "to cook". -41 new species are discovered by scientists every single day -Our galaxy probably contains at least 2 billion planets like Earth. -Brazil has been the largest producer of coffee for the last 150 years. -Just 9 months after his inauguration, Barack Obama was named the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize laureate. -Licence plates in the Canadian Northwest Territories are shaped like polar bears -Government vehicles in Cuba are legally required to pick up any hitchhikers. -Almost a third of San Francisco's air pollution comes from China -As a child, Elon Musk was bullied so severely, he once had to be hospitalized because of a beating from other students. -The Eiffel Tower was going to be demolished in 1909, but was saved because it was repurposed as a giant radio antenna -South Africa is called the "Rainbow Nation" because it has 11 official languages -Obama was the first sitting U.S. president to visit Cuba in almost a century. -The average temperature in Mars is -81F (-63C). -India has the largest slave population in the modern world with over 18 million slaves -The first magazine ever seen was launched in 1663 in Germany -The average women in Bolivia, Indonesia, and Guatemala is short enough to be considered a Dwarf (4'10 or under). -The 3 tallest statues in the world are of Buddha. -99% of a Panda's diet consists of bamboo -The U.S. Navy has 75 trained dolphins to detect enemy swimmers and underwater mines. -Dolphins Recognize and Admire Themselves in Mirrors. -Benjamin Franklin published a paper saying America's population growth was so fast, it would surpass Britain in 100 years. This alarmed British leadership and was a factor in their oppression of the colonies. -Each Russian consumes 18 litres (4.8 US gal) of alcohol per year, doubling what experts consider dangerous -There are no terrestrial (land) snakes in New Zealand. -A year on Marshas 687 earth days. -There are more left-handed people with IQs over 140 than right-handed people, a study found. -India is the world's largest democracy, with 1.2 billion people -The official color of the Golden Gate Bridge is called International Orange. -Most scholars say Jesus never viewed himself as creating a new religion per se, just reforming Judaism. -A survivor of Hiroshima's atomic bombing went to Boston in 1951 and won the Marathon. -The word "Scientist" first appeared in 1833 -Philematology is the science of kissing. -Nelson Mandela lost his son to AIDS. -Women in ancient Rome wore the sweat of Gladiators to improve their beauty and complexion -The doctor who claimed a link between vaccines and autism, Andrew Wakefield, created fraudulent data for his paper and lost his medical license as a result. -Anne Frank lost her German citizenship in 1941 and thus became stateless. -Napoleon wasn't short. He was actually above the average Frenchman. -Philophobia is the fear of falling in love. -China has treatment camps for Internet addicts -Australia is one of the most sparsely populated countries in the world, with just 3.3 people per sq km. -Millionaire Harris Rosen adopted an urban neighborhood in Florida, giving all families daycare, boosting the graduation rate by 75%, and cutting the crime rate in half. -The Roman Emperor Gaius Caligula made his horse a senator -32 million inappropriate videos were removed from YouTube in 2018 by a team of 10,000 reviewers -An average person in the U.S. eats 35 tons of food in a lifetime. -Boys are nearly five times more likely than girls to have autism. -Declawing cats is legal in most U.S. states but banned in at least 22 countries including Germany, Finland, Switzerland, Australia, New Zealand and Japan -1 in 5 people in France has experienced depression making it the most depressed country in the world. -Israel is the only country in the world to draft women into Military service. -Scientists can grow teeth from urine -At over 162.6 ha (401 acres), the Hindu temple Angkor Wat in Cambodia is the largest religious structure in the world. -49% of pregnancies in the U.S. are unintended. That's more than 3 million children per year -Turning back the giant hands on Big Ben's four clock faces takes an incredible 5 hours in total. -Recycling one ton of plastic can save up to 2,000 gallons of gasoline -Spain is the second largest country in Western Europe and the European Union -Although myths and speculation about a "Southern Land" date back to antiquity, Antarctica was only first sighted in 1820 by a Russian expedition -"Holland" is a province, South and North, in The Netherlands, not the name of the whole country -Researchers Joseph and Charles Vacanti grew a human "ear" seeded from implanted cow cartilage cells on the back of a living mouse to explore the possibility of fabricating body parts for plastic and reconstructive surgery. -In 1939, 835 sheep were killed by a single lightning strike in Utah. -In the U.S., Hispanics (70%) are more likely than whites (44%)to say global warming is caused by humans. -Marilyn Monroe was Jewish: she converted for her husband Arthur Miller. -Argentina has dropped 13 zeroes off their currency since 1970, a factor of ten trillion. -A 99-year-old man divorced his 96-year-old wife after 77 years of marriage because he discovered an affair she had in the 1940s. -Someone in the U.S. needs blood every two seconds. -96 elephants are killed every day in Africa. -About 200 Christmas trees catch fire every year in the U.S. -The Golden Gate uses the largest bridge cables ever made, long enough to encircle the world more than 3 times at the equator. -Daniel Radcliffe's stunt double for the first 6 Harry Potter movies was paralyzed from an accident on set in the 7th movie. -The letter u as an abbreviation for "you" was first used by Shakespeare -In Florida, it's against the law for a person to appear in public clothed in liquid latex. -Islam is the second-largest and the fastest-growing religion in the world. -Saturn's rings are not solid. They are made up of bits of ice, dust and rock -Google headquarters is called "The Googleplex", which comes from the word "googolplex", meaning a 1 followed by one hundred 0s. -Google intends to scan all known existing 129 million unique books before 2020. -Scientists finally concluded that the chicken came first, not the egg, because the protein which makes egg shells is only produced by hens -President Jimmy Carter pardoned all Vietnam draft dodgers on his second day in office -More than 600 women dressed as men in order to fight in the American Civil War. -Nearly 1 billion people will go to bed hungry tonight -The Berlin Wall was torn down by mistakenly-empowered citizens after an East German spokesman misspoke at a press conference and mentioned immediate border crossing privileges for every citizen. -Every minute, more than 500 hours of video are uploaded to YouTube -The Berlin Wall was more than 140 kilometres (87 mi) long. -The life span of giant pandas in the wild is approximately 20 years -The Queen of the UK is the legal owner of one-sixth of the Earth's land surface -Chimpanzees can develop their own fashion trends. -When a person dies, his sense of hearing is the last to go. -Capuchin Male Monkeys urinate on themselves to attract a mate. -Astronauts on the International Space Station witness around 15 sunrises and 15 sunsets every day -Nelson Mandela was South Africa's first black president. -Canada is the World's Most Educated Country: over half its residents have college degrees -Snakes kill 100,000 people every year -The name "Argentina" comes from the Latin word for silver, argentum. The original European settlers believed the country was full of silver. -There are 100,000 miles of blood vessels in an adult human body. -Clocksmiths climb the 334 stairs of the Elizabeth Tower 3 times a week to wind Big Ben's clock, whose timing can be affected by the weather, atmospheric pressure or simply by being 156 years old. -The U.S. Civil War had a Balloon Corps established by Abraham Lincoln. -Anne Frank and seven others remained in hiding for 2 years in the "Secret Annex", a small apartment behind her father's business in Amsterdam. -Coconut water can be used (in emergencies) as a substitute for blood plasma. -"Friendstalker" was one of the early names considered for Twitter -Facebook tracks which sites you visit, even AFTER you have signed out. -Giraffes only need to drink once every few days. Most of their water comes from all the plants they eat. -Dolphins can communicate with one another over a telephone, and appear to know who they are talking to. -More than 100,000 babies are born addicted to cocaine each year in the U.S., due to their mothers' use of the drug during pregnancy. -Mars is populated entirely by robots. Seven to be precise. -There are more Siberian tigers living in captivity than in their native habitat -The name "Australia" comes from the Latin "Terra Australis" or "Southern land". -Some prehistoric penguin species attained enormous sizes, becoming as tall or as heavy as an adult human -95% of the spiders in your house have never been outside -Marijuana has been legal for personal use in Alaska since 1975, and it's still legal today. -Medicinal Marijuana is Considered Kosher in Some Cases by Judaism. -The scientific term for French kissing is cataglottism. -In order to discover that penguins sleep more deeply in the afternoon, scientists crept up on sleeping penguins at different times of the day and poked them with a stick until they woke up -London lost nearly a third of its population during the Black Death in the mid-14th century -Family Guy once used footage from 9-year-old YouTube video in one of its episodes without permission from the owner. The owner's original clip was then removed from Youtube for copyright infringement. -40%of births in the U.S. come from unmarried women -In 132 AD, a Chinese inventor built a seismograph which, at the moment of an earthquake, expelled a copper ball out of the mouth of a dragon and into the mouth of a frog. -Rain has never been recorded in parts of Chile's Atacama Desert, the driest place on Earth. -Walt Disney borrowed most of the US$1.5 million needed to make Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. It took 3 years to complete and became the highest-grossing sound film of its time. -Bill Gates' SAT score was 1590out of 1600. -When Louis Pasteur was working on the rabies vaccine, if he or his assistants got infected, they were to be shot in the head -A man married a dog in India as atonement. -It's illegal in Iceland for parents to threaten children with fictional characters. -Dreams get weirder as the night wears on -A blue whale is larger than a basketball court -Around 300 species of Octopuses are recognized. -A heartbroken Argentine farmer spent decades cultivating a guitar-shaped forest to honor his late wife. -In 1977, we received a signal from deep space that lasted 72 seconds. We still don't know how or where it came from -There's a restaurant in Japan using monkeys as waiters. -Islam view heaven as a place of physical pleasures to come. -If Texas were a nation, it would be the world's 7th largest oil producer. -India's Hindu calendar has 6 seasons: spring, summer, monsoon, autumn, winter and prevernal -Cancer causes more deaths than AIDS, tuberculosis, and malaria combined. -Over 20 million bats live in the Bracken Cave in Texas, the world's largest colony of bats -The world's largest gold bar weighs 250 kg (551 lb). -The practice of eating horseflesh is called hippophagy -Australia had the 3rd-highest human development index in the world in 2018, which measures quality of life, health, education and economic freedom. -The first time two men kissed on-screen was in 1927. -in the fiscal year of 2014, the DEA spent an average of US$4.20 per marijuana plant they uprooted. -Giraffes are the tallest animals in the world. Males can grow up to 18 feet (5.5 meters) tall. -Before his passing, George Washington had become opposed to slavery, and in his will he ordered his 300 slaves to be freed after his wife's death. -The longest complete dinosaur is the 27 meters (89 feet) long Diplodocus, which was discovered in Wyoming, U.S. -Christianity began as a Second Temple Judaic sect in the mid-1st century in Judea. It quickly spread to Europe, Mesopotamia, Asia and by the 4th century had become the official state church of the Roman Empire. -The height of the Eiffel Tower varies by 5.9 inches (15 cm) due to temperature changes. -When George Washington died, Napoleon ordered 10 days of mourning in France. -90% of all the rice in the world is consumed in Asia. -Sweden pays studentsUS$187 per month to attend high school -Isaac Newton lost the equivalent of US$3 million in today's money on stock market in 1720. -Sweden has run out of trash so it's importing garbage from Norway. -Dead people can get goose bumps. -More than a third of single Italian men between the ages of 30 and 35 live with their parents. -Koalas hug trees to cool off on hot days. -Bananas are the most popular fruits in the U.S. -Shakespeare directly mentions America only once -Energy drinks still don't have as much caffeine as a Starbucks coffee. -In order to legally give someone a tattoo in South Korea, one must obtain a doctor's license. -At the Wife Carrying World Championships in Finland, first prize is the wife's weight in beer. -98% of Canadians can speak either or both English and French. -While most penguins are monogamous, they spend most of their year apart -Mount Everest shrank one inch (2.5 cm) due to the 2015 earthquake in Nepal. -Jacksonville is the most populous city in Florida and the largest city by area in the contiguous U.S. -During WW2, the lights of Big Ben were dimmed so that German bombers could not use it for reference. -Colombia's drug trade is worth US$10 billion. That's one-quarter as much as the country's legal exports. -Couples who live together before engagement have a higher divorce rates than those who wait. -Martin Luther King Jr. added the "I have a dream" line during his speech, it was improvised. -Snakes are unable to close their eyes. They can't blink and they must sleep with their eyes open. -President Richard Nixon pardoned a lieutenant, who gathered 70-80 Vietnamese civilians into a ditch and murdered them during the My Lai massacre, from his sentence of house arrest -In 1997, an Israeli court charged and prosecuted a Jew for depicting Islam's prophet Muhammad as a pig. -Tigers are the only predators known to regularly prey on adult bears -AIDS is now the leading cause of death among adolescents in Africa -Fidel Castro's 2016 funeral procession went from Havana to Santiago de Cuba, tracing in reverse the route of the "Freedom Caravan" of January 1959 in which Castro took power. -No one has ever seen a giraffe swimming. -Norway has the world's highest gas prices at $10.12 a gallon of premium gas. -The 1950s sleeping pill thalidomide, which caused 10,000 babies to be born with severe deformities, was tested on animals prior to its commercial release. -64% of children who were bullied did not report it. -30% of all cancers diagnosed in women are breast cancers. -In 1944, by a huge coincidence, a crossword puzzle was printed with answers all containing D-Day operation "code names", which sent MI-5 into a panic thinking their invasion plans had been discovered. -Australia was inhabited by indigenous people for about 50,000 years before the British came. -In 1940, 12-year-old boy Fidel Castro wrote a letter to President F. Roosevelt to request a $10 bill because he had never seen one before. -Breathing the air in Mumbai, India, for just one day is equivalent to smoking 100 cigarettes -20 prisoners were executed in the United States in 2019. -The poorest place in the U.S. is Allen, South Dakota, where 96% are Native American -There will be a 50% increase in lightning strikes by 2100 if global warming continues, according to a scientific report. -A group of giraffes is called a tower. -Students who chew gum have better math test scores than those who do not, a study found. -White Chocolate isn't technically Chocolate, as it contains no cocoa solids or cocoa liquor. -An apple didn't hit Isaac Newton in the head, but it did make him wonder if the force that makes apples fall influences the moon's motion around Earth. -The five most practiced religions in the world --Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Chinese folk religion and Buddhism-- have their origins in Asia. -Bolivia has 37 official languages -Isaac Newton developed a sunlight phobia from staring at the sun. -The largest county in the U.S., located in Alaska, is roughly the size of Germany -Breast Cancer kills 450 men in the U.S. every year. -5 to 6 billion years from now, as the Sun becomes a red giant, Saturn's moon Titan will become warm enough for life to possibly evolve in manner similar to Earth. -Christianity is severely persecuted in at least 27 countries. -No U.S. president has been elected after being divorced except for Ronald Reagan. -Over 20% of the U.S. population still believe that vaccines cause autism. -75% of school shooting incidents have been linked to bullying and harassment. -Antarctica is the coldest, windiest, highest and driest continent on Earth -A blue whale's heart can be as large as a car -A natural predator of the Moose is the Killer Whale. They have been known to prey on moose swimming around America's Northwest Coast -McDonald's' golden arches are recognized by more people than the cross. -There is a food substitute intended to supply all daily nutritional needs, known as "Soylent". -Homo sapiens reached the region of Indonesia around 45,000 years ago. -The boiling point of water at the top of Mt. Everest is 71 C (160 F) -Laughing 100 times is equivalent to 15 minutes of exercise on a stationary bicycle. -1 Can of Soda a day increases your chances of getting type 2 diabetes by 22%. -More than 1 billion people still do not have access to fresh water -The highest race horse speed ever recorded was 43.97 mph (70.76 km/h) -In Ancient Greece, a crucial part of a wealthy teenager's education was a mentorship with an elder, which in a few places and times may have included pederastic love. -Venezuela's name comes from the Italian word "Veneziola" (little Venice). Explorer Amerigo Vespucci saw native stilt houses built in Lake Maracaibo, reminding him of Venice -Italy is home to the largest number of UNESCO World Heritage Sites with 50. -"Aotearoa," often translated as "land of the long white cloud," is the current Maori name for New Zealand. -Only 333 bodies of the Titanic's victims were recovered, one in five of the over 1500 victims -There's a bar in Ireland that opened in the year 900 A.D. and is still operational. It's called "Sean's Bar". -In 1962, the CIA told South Africa the location of Nelson Mandela, leading to his arrest, which put him in jail for 27 years. -The Sun is thought to have completed about 20 orbits during its lifetime and just 1/1250th of an orbit since the origin of humans -There are more tigers privately owned by U.S. citizens than in the wild worldwide -350,000 Tweets are sent every minute -The world consumes close to 2.25 billion cups of coffee every day. -Indonesia has the world's highest rate of deforestation, with Brazil as a close second. -German casualties on D-Day were around 1,000 men, while Allied casualties were at least 10,000. -There's high-speed Internet on the way up to Mount Everest -Florida is the 3rd most populous state in the U.S. -Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate birthdays because the only two accounts of birthday parties in the Bible ended in murder -Giraffes make no sound. Not because they can't, but they choose not to. -Brazil is the 5th largest country in the world and it's home to 210 million people as of 2019. -Scientists detected traces of Cannabis on pipes found in William Shakespeare's garden -You are more likely to die from a falling coconut than from a shark attack. -The Bible is the most shoplifted book in the world. -The first animated film to star Mickey Mouse appeared in 1928 at the Colony Theatre in New York. -There is a section of the Berlin Wall in the men's bathroom of the Main Street Station casino in Las Vegas. -Some chickens are half male, half female -In Alaska, there's a pizza place that delivers the pizza by plane -Despite its "Sunshine State" nickname, Florida is not the sunniest U.S. state. Arizona is, closely followed by Nevada. -From bottom to top, Mount Everest is not the world's tallest mountain. Mauna Kea in Hawaii is about 1 km (3280 feet) taller. -Music video 'Gangnam Style' was so popular, it broke YouTube's view counter, which had to be upgraded -In 1913, Argentina was the world's 10th wealthiest nation per capita. Now it's the 54th. -More than 1 in 20 soccer injuries are caused by celebrating goals on the pitch -California was the first U.S. state that banned Marijuana a century ago. -A full day on the moon, from one sunrise to the next, lasts about 29.5 Earth days on average. -Bananas are the best-selling items at Walmart. -During pregnancy, if the mother suffers organ damage, the baby in the womb sends stem cells to repair the damaged organ -Canada is the second largest country in the world by total area -Slugs like beer. -One-third of Earth's land surface is partially or totally desert. -Breastfeeding a baby may reduce by 22% a woman's risk of developing Alzheimer's disease, a study says. -The Sun accounts for about 99.86% of the total mass of the Solar System -Nelson Mandela was born July 18, 1918, in the Transkeian Territories of South Africa's modern Eastern Cape province. -A group of zebras is called a "dazzle" -Scientists have developed a way of charging mobile phones using urine -A refereeing decision in a soccer match between Argentina and Peru in 1964 led to a riot in which 300 fans were killed -There are over 500,000 alcohol-related deaths in Russia each year -In the last 60 years, over 23,000 North Koreans have defected to South Korea. Only two South Koreans have gone to the North -Ostriches and zebras often live together to protect each other from predators. The ostrich can see better and the zebra can hear or smell danger better -Spider silk is about 5 times stronger than steel of the same weight -A Marijuana-derived compound forces cancer cells to freeze and prevents them from spreading. -There's a nude beach under the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. -Alexander The Great died in the palace of Nebuchadnezzar II, in Babylon, at age 32. He was a king for just 12 years. -The average person spends 3 months of its lifetime sitting on the toilet. -Latin and Irish have no words for "yes" or "no." -Premature babies are more likely to be left-handed, many studies suggest. -Zebras are actually black, with white stripes -A day's worth of Twitter posts would fill a 10-million-page book -The first soccer game televised was a friendly match between Arsenal's first and second team in 1937. -Cats share 95.6% of their DNA with tigers -About 1 in 9 people lack access to an improved water source -Millionaires who have earned their wealth are moderately happier than those who inherited it, a 2018 psychology study found. -Snakes can have two heads and fight each other for food -A sample of Sir Isaac Newton's apple tree was sent into space to 'defy gravity'. -Earth, Texas is the only place on Earth named "Earth". -Educated mothers are more than twice as likely to send their children to school -The attack on the World Trade Center on 9/11 resulted in the largest loss of life by a foreign attack on American soil. -Switzerland only gave women the right to vote in 1971 -Your mind "rewrites" monotonous speech of boring people to make them sound more interesting -Having an orgasm at least 3 times a week cuts in half the likelihood of coronary heart disease. -30 million people in China live on less than US$1 per day, as of 2019. -Brazil is defined as a "federal republic" composed of the Federal District, 26 states, and 5,570 municipalities. -People with autism are less likely to catch yawns. The more severe their condition, the less common the behavior gets. -Mexico has68 official languages. -Girls who complete secondary school are 6 times less likely to become child brides -La Paz, Bolivia, was the first South American city to get an electricity supply. It was powered by llama dung -Penguins have an organ near the eye that filters salt from the water out of their system -Nelson Mandela was not removed from the U.S. terror watchlist until 2008. -123 - 45 - 67 + 89 = 100.123 + 4 - 5 + 67 - 89 = 100.123 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 + 8 - 9 = 100.1 + 23 - 4 + 5 + 6 + 78 - 9 = 100. -The coldest place on Earth is a high ridge in Antarctica where temperatures can dip below -133F (-93.2C) -The word "school" comes from the ancient Greek for "free time." -A human baby has over 60 more bones than an adult. -There has never been snakes in Ireland because being cold-blooded, snake couldn't survive the frozen ground during the ice age in the past. -Each year, Americans throw out enough soda cans and bottles to reach the moon and back 20 times -Barack Obama had the most followers on Twitter of any world leader in his last year in power, 2016. -It's completely legal for minors to smoke cigarettes in the U.S. and parts of Europe, but they can't purchase them -The rate of children leaving primary school in conflict affected countries reached 50% in 2011 -Chocolate has an anti-bacterial effect on the mouth and protects against tooth decay. -South Africans can legally attach flamethrowers to cars to repel carjackers -The Sun does not have a definite boundary, and in its outer parts, its density decreases exponentially with increasing distance from its center -An extra year of education can help a girl earn 20% more as an adult -There are more than 100 types of cancers; any part of the body can be affected. -Abraham Lincoln, Walt Disney, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Henry Ford, Thomas Edison and Steve Jobs, all of them had no college degree. -Bill Gates aimed to become a millionaire by the age of 30. However, he became a billionaire by 31. -Apple iPad's retina display is actually manufactured by Samsung. -Until the early 19th century, Australia was best known as "New Holland". -30,000 websites are hacked every day -Italian Traffic Police has two Lamborghini Gallado in service. -On April 1, 1974, black smoke was seen rising from Mount Edgecumbe, a volcano in Alaska. When a Coast Guard pilot came closer to investigate, he found 70 tires burning and the words "APRIL FOOL" spray painted into the snow -Cows emit more methane than the oil industry and are a huge factor in global warming. -With over 520 million followers as of 2019, Buddhism is the world's 4th-largest religion. -18 people were rescued alive from the rubble of the WTC after 9/11. -60%of South Korean families use professionals to find a name for their babies -In Australia, there are more kangaroos than people. -Ancient Greek democracy, the world's first, lasted for only 185 years. -Because guinea pigs are prone to loneliness, it's illegal in Switzerland to own just one -Speed dating was invented by a Rabbi in 1999. -One pint of donated blood can save up to 3 lives. -Violent homes have the same effecton children's brains as combat on soldiers -Every 90 seconds, one woman dies during pregnancy or childbirth -During the American Civil War, it was necessary to print out money in a hurry, so the Treasury released paper bills with designated values of fractions of a dollar. -David Bowie performed at the Berlin Wall in 1987 while East Germans gathered to listen behind. You could hear them cheering and singing along from the other side. -The International Space Station is as roomy as a five-bedroom house and travels at 17,500 mph -In Germany, it is illegal to run out of fuel on highways -JFK was the 35th President of the U.S. from January 1961 until his assassination in November 1963. -The CIA operation to invade Cuba and take down Castro was dubbed "Operation Castration." -According to Bill Gates, by 2035, there will be almost no poor countries left in the world -Your favorite song is probably such because you associate it with an emotional event in your life -In the 1950s, Las Vegas crowned a Miss Atomic Bomb. -In 2011, a monkey was arrested in Pakistan for crossing the border with India. -The U.S. dropped more than 2 million tons of bombs on Laos from 1964 to 1973 during the Vietnam War. That's equal to a planeload every 8 minutes for 9 years. -There's an Island in Brazil where civilians are forbidden to go: it has up to 5 snakes per square meter -Cheese is the most stolen food in the world. -Christianity was the main religion in Egypt between the Fourth and Sixth Centuries. -No one knows what Christopher Columbus looked like. No authentic contemporary portraits of him were found. Most just reconstructed his appearance from written descriptions. -When awake, the human brain produces enough electricity to power a small light bulb -Nelson Mandela's name at birth was "Rolihlahla" which means troublemaker." -You don't like the original version of a song because it's better. You like it because it's the one you heard first. -The Eiffel Tower was originally intended for Barcelona, Spain, but the project was rejected -At their current birth rate, South Koreans will go extinct by 2750 -Nearly 700 million Chinese people drink contaminated water. -Rapper Tupac Shakur was a voracious reader, and particularly enjoyed Shakespeare -Multivitamins increase the risk of cancer and heart disease, according to recent studies. -Male seahorses can get pregnant -The World's Oldest Dress was found in Egypt and it is 5,000 years old. -The highest temperature ever recorded in Antarctica is 58.2F (14.5C) -Between 1525 and 1866, 12.5 million Africans were kidnaped and sold into slavery in the Americas. -Our bodies contain about 0.2 milligrams of gold, most of it in our blood. -Your voice would be deeper on Venus because its dense atmosphere would cause your vocal cords to vibrate more slowly -The world's most expensive divorce was estimated at US$2.5 billion. -Newborn babies can only see in black and white for a few months. -Spiders are scared of ants due to the formic acid they contain -Beer was not considered an alcoholic beverage in Russia until 2013. -Americans make up 5% of the world's population, and yet, produce 30% of the world's waste and use 25% of the world's resources -China executes the death penalty more than 4 times as the rest of the world combined. -A strawberry isn't an actual berry, but a banana is. -The International Space Station is the most expensive object ever built, at US$150 billion. -JFK died younger than any other U.S. president to date. -Elvis Presley failed a music class in High School. -Dolphin meat is consumed in Japan and Peru -There are 28 million cancer survivors worldwide. -42%of people in the U.S. have tried marijuana at least once. -Africa is home to the world's largest living land animal, the African elephant, and the tallest, the Giraffe. -The longest pregnancy in humans on record is 375 days (12.5 months) -The atmosphere in Titan, Saturn's Moon, is so thick and the gravity so low, that humans could fly through it by flapping "wings" attached to their arms -Monkeys are trained and employed as harvesters of large coconut plantations in Malaysia and Thailand. -The postage stamp of The Statue of Liberty depicts not the real statue in New York, but the replica in Las Vegas. -Sand from the Sahara is blown by the wind all the way to the Amazon, recharging its minerals. The desert literally fertilizes the rainforest. -Koalas store leaves in their cheek pouches to eat them later. -In Newfoundland, Canada, the Atlantic Ocean sometimes freezes so people play hockey on it. -When Montenegro became independent from Yugoslavia, its Internet domain name went from .yu to .me -The Statue Of Liberty's full name is "Liberty Enlightening the World. -Usain Bolt owns a 3-ton segment of the Berlin Wall. -Only about 9% of marijuana users become clinically dependent, according to a study. -McDonalds' Caesar salad is more fattening than their hamburger. -People pay thousands of dollars to hunt Zebras and other African wildlife on large ranches in Texas -Husbands can object to their wives working and prevent them from accepting jobs in 15 economies -In 1943, a fissure opened in a farmer's cornfield in Mexico, growing into a five story tall volcano in only a week and up to 1,100 feet after a year -The Steppe eagle is the national animal of Egypt. -Cenosillicaphobia is the fear of an empty beer glass. -Heart disease is the No. 1 killer of women. -The word "queue" is pronounced the same way when the last 4 letters are removed. -New Zealand is the fastest country in the world to start a business: just one day. -The World Trade Center's most famous survivor and president of its support group, Tania Head, was later found to be a fraud: she wasn't even in NYC on 9/11. -The Komodo dragon is the national animal of Indonesia. -Portions of Anne Frank's diary were removed because she described her intimate parts. -In some European countries, children are given gifts on December 6 rather than in Christmas Day. -41% of children in Africa aged 5 to 14 are involved in child labour. -There is a US$1000 sports bra which uses heat sensors to detect signs of breast cancer up to 6 years earlier than a mammogram can. -Since 2007, an unfinished skyscraper in Caracas, Venezuela, has been re-appropriated by squatters into a vast 'vertical slum' which now includes grocery stores, hairdressers, and an unlicensed dentist -Marital infidelity was punishable with jail in South Korea until 2015. -"Happy hours" are banned in Ireland. -A majority of Hindus eat meat, only 30% do not. -A couple from Paraguay moved in together in 1933. After 80 years, 8 children and 50 grandchildren, the 103-year-old man married his 99-year-old bride. -People with unfortunate initials, such as P.I.G. or A.S.S. have significant lower life expectancy, due to psychological stress related to childhood bullying. -A giraffe's neck can measure up to 6 feet (1.8 m) long -A giraffe's spots are like human fingerprints: no two individual giraffes have exactly the same pattern. -1%of the World's Water Is Drinkable -Most astronauts become two inches taller in space -Anne Frank, Martin Luther King Jr. and Barbara Walters were all born in the same year. -In August, 2015, Big Ben's Clock was discovered to be running 6 seconds fast, and coins were removed from its pendulum to correct the error. -Voting is mandatory in Brazil. -The Simpson's couch gag is actually a trick used by the writers to make the show longer or shorter -The French government gives medals to citizens who have "successfully raised several children with dignity." -Most lifeboats launched off the Titanic were not filled to capacity -New Zealand was undiscovered and completely devoid of human beings no more than 800 years ago. -Fidel Castro led Cuba for five decades and was the world's third longest-serving head of state, after Britain's Queen Elizabeth and the King of Thailand. -Octopus wrestling was a popular sport in the 1960s. A diver would fight an octopus in shallow water and drag it to the surface. -The beautiful symmetry of a total solar eclipse happens because by pure chance the sun is 400 times larger than the moon, but is also 400 times farther from Earth, making the two bodies appear the exact same size in the sky. -McDonalds opens a new restaurant every 14.5 hours. -2% of couples have fallen in love in a supermarket, according to a survey. -In 1863, Venezuela became the first modern country to abolish the death penalty for all crimes -Although some individual zebras have been domesticated, most cannot. They are unpredictable and known to attack people -The Confederacy was never recognized by any foreign country during the American Civil War. -Due to the Paraguay's central location in South America, it is sometimes referred to as the "Heart of South America". -Ounce by ounce, Nutritious food costs up to 10 times more than junk food. -McDonald's is the world's largest distributor of toys. -Gold has been discovered on every continent on earth. -The smell of chocolate increases theta brain waves, which triggers relaxation. -After hitting the iceberg, it took the Titanic 2 hours and 40 minutes to sink -America's first slave owner was a black man -Nazi Joseph Goebbels' wife's descendants are Germany's richest family nowadays -A month after the nuclear bombing of Hiroshima, a typhoon hit the city killing another 2,000 people. -Mobile phones have 18 times more bacteria than toilet handles. -Norway was ranked the world's #1 country in the 2014 Prosperity Index for wealth and well-being. -Alexander the Great was simultaneously the King of Macedonia, Pharaoh of Egypt, King of Persia, and King of Asia. -Written language was invented independently by the Egyptians, Sumerians, Chinese, and Mayans. -North Korea is the world's only nation to currently have a US Navy ship captured. -The weird offspring of a donkey and a zebra is called a "zonkey. -Coffee is the world's second most valuable traded commodity, only behind petroleum. -The extinct Ubykh language, spoken in the Caucasus until 1992, holds the record for most consonants: it had 83 but only two vowels. -John F. Kennedy won a Pulitzer Prize in 1957, although much of the book was ghostwritten by his aide Theodore Sorensen. -Mexico is the 11th most populous country in the world with 121 million people. -Of all women killed globally in 2012, it is estimated that almost half were killed by a partner or relative compared to less than 6% of men -About 69% of smokers want to quit completely -Your brain keeps developing until your late 40s -The RMS Titanic was built in Belfast, Northern Ireland. -More people in the world are suffering from obesity than from hunger. -Cockroaches get lonely and even become ill if they are left alone for too long. -Everything you say to Siri is sent to Apple, analyzed and stored. -Cockroaches shed their skin. -Cockroaches raised in space become quicker, stronger, faster, and tougher than cockroaches on Earth. -Uranus was the first planet discovered with a telescope -Uranus orbits the Sun at a distance of about 2.8 billion km (1.7 billion mi) and completes one orbit every 84 years -The surface gravities of Venus, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune are all quite similar (within 15%) to Earth's -In Ancient Rome, the punishment for killing one's father was the death penalty, consisting of being sewn up in a sack along with a viper, a dog, and a rooster -Cockroaches have their own Neighborhoods. -63 Earths can fit inside Uranus -Many fish species are known to change sex during the course of their lives. -Uranus' axis of rotation is tilted sideways, so its north and south poles lie where most other planets have their equators -Headless cockroaches are capable of living for weeks. They die from starvation. -Uranus has the coldest planetary atmosphere in the Solar System, with a minimum temperature of -371.56 F (224 C) -Cockroaches are among the world's fartiest species. -There is a newly found cockroach species in the U.S. that can survive freezing temperatures. -The weeks before Christmas is the most popular time for couples to break up, according to data analyzed from Facebook. -Uranus is the third-largest planet in the Solar System -The summer in Uranus is 42 years long -The wind speeds on Uranus can reach 560 mph (900 km/h) -Jupiter has 67 moons, Saturn has 62, Uranus 27, Neptune 14, Mars 2 and Earth just one -Uranus' moons are named after characters from the works of Shakespeare and Alexander Pope -Uranus was originally called "George's Star" (Georgium Sidus) -Cockroaches appeared 120 million years before dinosaurs. -If you point your car keys to your head, it increases the remote's signal range. -The world's largest grand piano was built by a 15-year-old in New Zealand. -There were only 9 developers on the team for GoldenEye 007 for Nintendo 64. -There is an underwater version of rugby, unsurprisingly called "underwater rugby". -When mice live in the wild, they typically only live for about six months. -Giant Pandas eat approximately 28 pounds of bamboo a day – that's over 5 tons per year! -The Nobel Peace Prize is named for Alfred Nobel, the inventor of dynamite. -You fart on average 14 times a day, and each fart travels from your body at 7 mph. -One of the ingredients needed to make dynamite is peanuts. -The largest living organism in the world is a fungus. It is in Oregon, covering 2,200 acres and is still growing. -A horse's canter is a 3-beat gait. On the second beat, opposite front and rear legs hit the ground at the same time. After the third beat is a "rest", or suspension, when all three legs are off the ground. -The shortest war in history lasted for only 38 minutes. -Want chocolate smelling poo? There is a pill for that. -Sea Lions have rhythm. They are the only animal able to clap to a beat. -While you sleep you can't smell anything – even really, really bad or potent smells. -Some tumors can grow hair, teeth, bones, even fingernails. -Your brain uses 10 watts of energy to think and does not feel pain. -Glass balls can bounce higher than rubber ones. -Your fingernails grow faster when you are cold. -Applesauce was the first food eaten in space by astronauts. -Snails take the longest naps with some lasting as long as three years. -The average person spends two weeks of their life waiting at traffic lights. -Before 1913 parents could mail their kids to Grandma's – through the postal service. -Don't like mosquitoes? Get a bat. They could eat 3,000 insects a night. -A typical cough is 60 mph while a sneeze is often faster than 100 mph. -Some fish cough. Really. -Are you terrified that a duck is watching you? Some people are. That is anatidaephobia. -American Black bears are not just black but include bears of varying colors including blonde, cinnamon, brown, white and even silver-blue. -Because of the 4 stages of the Water Cycle – Evaporation, Condensation, Precipitation and Collection – water falling as rain today may have previously fallen as rain days, weeks, months or years before. -Goats have rectangular pupils in their eyes. -Cans of diet soda will float in water but regular soda cans will sink. -Birds can not live in space – they need gravity to be able to swallow. -Some perfumes actually have whale poo in them. -Your feet typically produce a pint of sweat every single day. -The snow on Venus is metal. -Baby koalas are fed poo by their parents after they are born which helps them digest Eucalyptus leaves later in life. -Many mammals, including cats and dogs, walk on their toes in contrast to humans, who walk on the soles of their feet. -20% of all the oxygen you breathe is used by your brain. -You can cut a pie into 8 pieces with only three cuts. -If a Donkey and a Zebra have a baby, it is called a Zonkey. -The most difficult-to-pronounce town is in Wales: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll llantysiliogogogoch. -A tsunami can travel as fast as a jet plane. -There is a 50% chance that in a group of 23 people, two will share the same birthday. In a group of 367 people, it is a 100% chance. But only 70 people are required for a 99.9% chance. -When you look at a bright sky and see white dots, you are looking at your blood. Those are white blood cells. -Your small intestine is the largest internal organ in your body. -Love carrots? Don't eat too many or you will turn orange. -Cows can walk up stairs but not down them. -Tiger shark embryos begin attacking each other in their mother's womb before they are even born. -The surface of Mars is covered in rust, making the planet appear red. -Apple paid a couple $1.7 million dollars for their plot of land, which was only worth $181,700. -To properly write adjectives in order, you would list them by amount, value, size, temperature, age, shape, color, origin, and material. -Indonesia consists only of islands - 13,667 total -People who ride on roller coasters have a higher chance of having a blood clot in the brain -The tallest freestanding sculpture in the world is Chief Crazy Horse in South Dakota, USA -Marie Curie, the Nobel prize winning scientist who discovered radium, died of radiation poisoning -898 tornadoes were recorded to have occurred in the United States in the year 2000. -The word Popcorn is derived from the middle English word "poppe," which means "explosive sound" -The food that is digested in your stomach is called "chyme." -Alcohol beverages have all 13 minerals necessary for human life -The word housekeeping was invented by Shakespeare -The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sportsgames (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after theMajorLeague All-Star Game. -Lack of sleep can affect your immune system and reduce your ability to fight infections -All dogs are the descendant of the wolf. These wolves lived in eastern Asia about 15,000 years ago -It is not possible to tickle yourself. The cerebellum, a part of the brain, warns the rest of the brain that you are about to tickle yourself. Since your brain knows this, it ignores the resulting sensation -Parma ham is only Parma ham if it is made in the Parma region of Italy. The British chain supermarket Asda, made and packaged its own "Parma ham" and was successfully sued by the real Parma ham people (Parma Ham Trade Association) -With winds of 50 miles per hour, The Statue of Liberty sways three inches and the torch sways five inches -A famous bullfighter, Lagarijo, killed 4,867 bulls in the 19th century. -Police detectives have used snapping turtles to help them locate dead bodies -The national sport of Japan is sumo wrestling -The early occurrence of a fetus yawning is at eleven weeks after conception -In a month, a fingernail grows an eighth of an inch -Edward VIII did not officially become the King of England as he abdicated the throne to marry an American divorcee -The book "Little Red Riding Hood" was banned in 1990 by two school districts in California. They did this because in the book there was a picture of a basket that had a bottle of wine in it -The reason why golf balls have dimples on them is because it helps in the ball to move a farther distance by reducing drag -Americans consume the most peanut butter in the world -Celtic warriors sometimes fought their battles naked, their bodies dyed blue from head to toe -To make butter more attractive in colour, carrot juice was used by people in the Middle Ages -Early hockey games allowed as many as 30 players a side on the ice -Most fleas do not live past a year old -It takes seven to ten days to make a jelly belly jellybean -Some asteroids have other asteroids orbiting them -There is enough concrete in the Hoover Dam to pave a two lane highway from San Francisco to New York -Every 238 years, the orbits of Neptune and Pluto change making Neptune at times the farthest planet from the sun -There is a certain species of kangaroo that is only 2.5 centimetres long when it is born -In a lifetime, the average house cat spends approximately 10,950 hours purring -The real name of Toto the dog in "The Wizard Of Oz" was Terry -Stannous fluoride, which is the cavity fighter found in toothpaste is made from recycled tin -It takes 12 honeybees to make one teaspoon of honey -Thomas Watson, who was the chairman of IBM in 1943 predicted that their would probably only be a world market for five computers. -The largest hamburger cooked in the world weighed in at 6,040 pounds -The first lighthouse was in Alexandria in 290 B.C -Heinz first started making ketchup in 1876 and the recipe has remained the same ever since -The largest wedding chapel in Las Vegas is the Viva Las Vegas Chapel, which can seat 100 people -The most popular name for a pet in the United States is Max -Spiral staircases in medieval castles are running clockwise. This is because all knights used to be right-handed. When the intruding army would climb the stairs they would not be able to use their right hand which was holding the sword because of the difficulties of climbing the stairs. Left-handed knights would have had no troubles, except left-handed people could never become knights because it was assumed that they were descendants of the devil -The largest shopping mall in the world is the West Edmonton Mall located in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada -The CN Tower located in Toronto, Ontario Canada took a total construction time of 40 months to complete at an original cost of $63 million -The 20th president of the United States, James Garfield, was able to write Greek with one hand and Latin with the other at the same time -The country of Andorra has a zero percent unemployment rate -In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles -A woman has approximately 4.5 litres of blood in her body, while men have 5.6 litres -In India, pickled ginger, minced mutton and a cottage cheese like substance are popular pizza toppings -Oral-B were the first toothbrushes to go to the moon when they were aboard the Apollo 11 mission -A maple tree is usually tapped when the tree is at least 45 years old and has a diameter of 12 inches -In 1998, a law passed in the U.S. state of Virginia allows drivers to keep their road kill, as long as they report it within 12 hours. updated -A language becomes extinct in this world every two weeks -An acre of trees can remove about 13 tons of dust and gases every year from the surrounding environment -The decomposition point of Olive Oil is 220 degrees Celsius -Ten radishes only contain eight calories -Annually a thousand people are killed by scorpions in Mexico -Every year, 100 million sharks are killed by people -Tug of war was an Olympic event from 1900-1920 -Of all the countries, Brazil has the most plant species, with over 56,000 -One female mouse can produce up to 100 babies a year -Impotence is grounds for divorce in 26 U.S. states -Women who are romance novel readers are reported to make love 74% more often with their partners than women who do not read romance novels. -The monogram "RR" for Rolls-Royce has never been altered, except for when Sir Henry Royce passed away in 1933. Then it was changed from red to black. -People with darker skin will not wrinkle as fast as people with lighter skin -Fido means faithful in Latin -Pebbles cereal was actually named after the shape of the cereal and not the Pebbles Flintstone character -A group of kangaroos is called a mob -The only predator that polar bears have are humans -Many insects can carry 50 times their own body weight -The last land battle of the U.S. Civil War was fought in Texas -Annually 7 million tons of textiles and clothing is thrown out. Out of this, only 12% is used again or recycled -A scorpion can have up to 12 eyes -A snake charmer in Bangladesh once found 3,500 poisonous cobras and their eggs hidden underneath the floors of two suburban homes -The IRS employees tax manual has instructions for collecting taxes after a nuclear war -There are approximately fifty Bibles sold each minute across the world -The pectin that is found in apples aids in lowering cholesterol levels -Post-It Notes, which are adhesive notes, were invented while looking for a way to improve the acrylate adhesive found in tapes -Crayola Crayons currently has over 120 different crayon colours -The width of a tornado can range from less than ten yards to more than a mile. -In Johannesburg, the average car will be involved in an accident once every four years. -The youngest actress to be nominated as best actress is Keisha Castle-Hughes who was nominated at just 13 years old -The Taj Mahal was actually built for use as a tomb -According to studies, an average roll of toilet paper lasts about five days in the bathroom -A fall of 30 feet can be survived my most cats -The largest member of the dolphin family are orcas -In 1477, the first diamond engagement ring was given to Mary of Burgundy by Archduke Maximillian of Austria -The hormone replacement drug "Premarin" is made from the urine of pregnant horses -TWIX Caramel Cookie Bars were first introduced in 1979 -Nintendo was first establish in 1889 and they started out making special playing cards -People over the age of fifty will start to lose their dislike for foods that taste bitter -In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers -Elephants have been known to learn up to 60 commands -On average 1,668 gallons of water are used by each person in the United States daily -Copper is the second most used metal in the world. -Milton Bradley originally wanted to name the game Twister, Pretzel; but he could not since the name was copyrighted -According to studies, men prefer to have white bedrooms and women prefer to have blue bedrooms -If someone was to fly once around the surface of the moon, it would be equal to a round trip from New York to London -St. Patrick never really drove out any snakes from Ireland. This story was an analogy of how he drove paganism out of Ireland -The most common seasonings found in American homes are chili powder, cinnamon, and seasoned salts -People who have eaten beetles say that it tastes like apples -Montreal was named after a local mountain "Mont Royal." -In an average lifetime, a person will spend 4 years travelling in an automobile and six months waiting at a red light. -A small drip from a faucet can waste up to 50 gallons of water daily, which is enough water to run a dishwasher twice on a full cycle -The longest Monopoly game ever played was 1,680 hours long, which is seventy straight days -Over 1,600 people in North America have been victims of trunk entrapment (being locked inside of a car trunk) -In 1992, when EuroDisney first opened in France, the public beat some of the park characters because at the time most people had been against the park being built -A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. Thus the saying, I will be there in a jiffy. -There is a muppet named Kami that appears on the South African version of the T.V. show "Sesame Street" that is HIV-positive -There are approximately one hundred million people in the United States that have a chronic illness -The oldest working Post Office in the world is located in the village of Sanquer, located in the Scottish Lowlands. It has been operating since 1712 -Approximately three jars of peanut butter are sold every second -In Australia, the average person uses 876 gallons of water daily. In Switzerland they use only 77 gallons of water per person daily -Hair will fall out faster on a person that is on a crash diet -In 1890, there was no sunshine for the whole month of December in Westminster in London. -Charles Darwin spent 39 years studying earthworms -The Boeing 737 is nicknamed the Fat Albert -Florida has twice as many lightning injuries and deaths than any other state -Chocolate can be fatal to dogs. Chocolate contains a chemical theobromine, which is poisonous to dogs -In China, there is a species of yam that is used to make a dye -Annually, approximately 46 millions Cokes, five million pounds of french fries, and seven million hamburgers are consumed at Walt Disney World Resort -The Chihuahua Desert is the largest desert in North America, and is over 200,000 square miles -Every continent begins and ends in the same letter. eg AfricA, EuropE -Baseball games between college teams have been played since the Civil War -The real name of actress Whoopi Goldberg is Caryn Elaine Johnson -Researches have discovered that eating five or more apples a week is linked to better functioning of the lungs -Boeing completed more than 15,000 hours of wind-tunnel testing on the first 747 -The most popular ethnic food in the United States is Italian food -Parts of the Dead Sea Scrolls appeared for sale in the June 1, 1954 issue of the Wall Street Journal -The YKK that you see on zippers stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushiki Kaisha which is the name of the founder of the zipper manufacturing company in Japan -The theme song of the Harlem Globetrotters is "Sweet Georgia Brown." -27% of female lottery winners hid their winning ticket in their bras -To lose one pound of fat, a person has to burn approximately 3,500 calories -In 1969, the American side of Niagara Falls was stopped completely for several months -The name for insect poop is frass -A can of Pepsi has 41 grams of sugar. This amount to about seven teaspoons of sugar -Montreal is actually located on an island -There are over 2,000 species of butterflies in the rainforests of South America -The world record for the number of body piercings on one individual is 702, which is held by Canadian Brent Moffat -Before toilet paper was invented, French royalty wiped their bottoms with fine linen -The earliest known example of an organized market for equities dates from Rome, second century B.C -There are over 2,000 different species of cactuses -Each day 400 gallons of recycled blood are pumped through the kidneys -Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning -Bananas were discovered by Alexander the Great in 327 B.C. when he conquered India -Levan, which is located in Utah, got its name from "navel" which is levan spelt backwards. It was named this because it is in the center of Utah -Approximately one out of four injuries by athletes involve the wrist and hand -Former U.S. President Abraham Lincoln suffered a nervous breakdown in 1836 -Musk is extracted from the bottom of a civet, and is used as an ingredient to make perfumes. -The first human heart transplant happened on December 3, 1967. Unfortunately the patient only lived for eighteen days, succumbing in the end to pneumonia -In New York City there are 6,374.6 miles of streets -The sound made by the Victoria Falls in Zimbabwe is so loud that it can be heard 40 miles away -Ancient Egyptians used to think having facial hair was an indication of personal neglect -In Czechhoslovakia, there is a church that has a chandelier made of human bones -The largest hotel in the world is the MGM Grand, which has 5,034 rooms and is located in Las Vegas, Nevada -The fleshy bulbs on each side of your nose are called the Alea (AY-lee) singular Ala (AY-luh) -Male koalas mark their territory by rubbing their chests on a tree. Male koalas have a dark scent gland in the middle of their chest -Roses generally need around 6 hours of sunlight to grow properly. -Buttermilk does not contain any butter, but is a cultured milk product which is usually made from fat free milk -Pineapples were first called "anana", which is Caribbean for "excellent fruit." -The tallest woman that ever lived was Zeng Jinlian who was 8 feet 2 inches tall of China. Shed died at the age of 17 -An adult "Gold Frog" measures to be 9.8 millimeters in body length -Each day, anywhere from 35-150 species of life go extinct -Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned his wife or mother because they were both deaf -Alexander the Great made his troops eat onions as he believed it would prove their vitality -Bill Russell was the first black head coach of a major league pro sports team -In 1945, a seven ounce bathroom cup was the first item Tupperware marketed -Central air conditioners use 98% more energy than ceiling fans. -The dromedary camel can drink as much as 100 litres of water in just 10 minutes -According to the American Institute of Stress, job stress approximately costs the U.S. industry over $300 billion dollars per year -It takes 72 minutes for the restaurant at the top of the CN Tower to make one revolution -Coffee beans were chewed for more than 400 years before the first cup of coffee was brewed -All of the Peking ducks in the United States are descendents from three ducks and one drake imported to Long Island, New York in 1873 -The first British ship to use the SOS distress signal was the Titanic -The Spring peeper (a frog) can survive the winter season with 65% of its body water as ice -Studies have shown that the scent of Rosemary can help in better mental performance and make individuals feel more alert -The search engine Google got its name from the word "googol," which refers to the number one with a hundred zeros after it -The Goliath beetle is about the size of your fist and can weigh as much as 3-4 ounces -Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion -The Chihuahua was named after the Mexican state where they were discovered -There are no snakes in New Zealand -The most popular grown bulbs are tulips -Every day the human stomach produces about 2 liters of hydrochloric acid -The country of Bolivia is named after a fighter Simon Bolivar -In 1949 UNICEF produced the first charity Christmas card. The picture shown on the card was painted by a seven year old girl -Archeologists report that cannabis was most likely the first plant cultivated by humans. Cannabis was used for linen, paper, and garments -The garfish has green bones -Women who drink more than two cups of coffee a day have a higher chance of developing osteoporosis -The banana was officially introduced in 1876 in the U.S. at the Philadelphia Centennial Exhibition. The bananas were wrapped in tinfoil and were sold for 10 cents each -A yawn usually lasts for approximately six seconds -In 1894, the carnival made its debut in North America -The artist Vincent Van Gogh sliced part of his ear off in madness -According to Scientists, vampire bat saliva is the best known medicine for keeping blood from clotting. -People from North America prefer pickles with warts, where as Europeans prefer pickles with no warts -People that suffer from gum disease are twice as likely to have a stroke or heart attack -Close to 50% of the water used in a home originates from the bathroom -After the Krakatoa volcano eruption in 1883 in Indonesia, many people reported that, because of the dust, the sunset appeared green and the moon blue. The moon was said to appear blue for almost two years. -The country with the highest consumption of chocolate per capita is Switzerland, with 22 pounds per person, per year -In China, September 20 is "Love Your Teeth Day." -Actor Richard Gere was considered to play the role of John McClane in the movie Die Hard. Bruce Willis played the part instead -The record for the world?s worst drivers is a toss-up between two candidates: First, a 75-year-old man who received 10 traffic tickets, drove on the wrong side of the road four times, committed four hit-and-run offenses, and caused six accidents, all within 20 minutes on October 15, 1966. Second, a 62-year-old woman who failed her driving test 40 times before passing it in August, 1970 (by that time, she had spent over $700 in lessons, and could no longer afford to buy a car) -Half of a cup of figs will give you just as much calcium as half a cup of milk -A "hairbreadth away" is 1/48 of an inch -In 1281, the Mongol army of Kublai Khan tried to invade Japan but were ravaged by a hurricane that destroyed their fleet -Studies show that couples that smoke during the time of conception have a higher chance of having a girl compared to couples that do not smoke -The reason why some people get a cowlick is because the growth of their hair is in a spiral pattern, which causes the hair to either stand straight up, or goes to a certain angle -Approximately 50% of Americans admit they have ran a red light -In 1755, the first Canadian post office opened in Halifax, Nova Scotia. The fist Deputy Postmaster General was American inventor Benjamin Franklin who was later dismissed for sympathizing with the American revolutionary cause -Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California. -On average, 90% of the people that have the disease Lupus are female -Unlike other four legged mammals, kangaroos cannot walk backwards -The itch from a mosquito bite can be soothed by cutting open a clove of garlic and rubbing it on the bite -A superstition in baseball is to never lend your bat to anyone or you will be jinxed -In 1998, approximately 1.6 billion tree seedlings were planted in the United States. This amounts to about five trees per American -There are species of fish that can walk on land in search of water when its water source dries up. Some can survive as long as three days on land such as the snakehead fish -Racecar driver Lee Petty once left a pitstop and did a full lap at Nascar with a pit crew member still on the hood -The first fashion house to be set up was in 1858 by Charles Worth. He opened his store in Paris with the idea of having pre-made gowns presented on models to his customers -St. Patrick explained the Holy Trinity to King Laoghaire, using the shamrock to illustrate the trinity -More twins are born in the Western world than in the Eastern world -Nine egg yolks have been found in one chicken egg -The record for the longest Monopoly game played in a bathtub is ninety-nine hours -The 1988 move "Big" which was directed by Penny Marshall was the first movie by a female director to gross over $100 million domestically -When the Galileo Probe entered Jupiter's atmosphere, it was traveling at a speed of 106,000 miles per hour. This is the fastest impact speed ever achieved by a man-made object. -In 1972, a gorilla by the name of "Koko" was taught ASL (American Sign Language) for the deaf. By the year 2000, the gorilla could understand approximately 2,000 English words -3000 children die every day in Africa because of malaria -Approximately 125 people die in the United States from an anaphylaxis to foods each year -The word "vamp" is used to describe the upper front top of a shoe -Construction on the White House began in October of 1792 -Leonardo da Vinci was dyslexic, and he often wrote backwards -The male platypus has poisonous spurs on its legs -Polar bears can smell seal from 20 miles away -Canadians Scott Abbott and Chris Haney invented Trivial Pursuit. They were planning on playing Scrabble and realized that some of the pieces were missing so they came up with the idea of making their own game; Trivial Pursuit -On average, there is about three molecules of ozone for every 10 million air molecules. -A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day -The Barbie doll has more than 80 careers -James Buchanan was the only unmarried president of the United States -The Stanley Cup originally was only seven and a half inches high -In 1991, during an attempted political coup on Russian President Boris Yelstin, food supplies had dwindled down at the parliament buildings so they ordered Pizza Hut to deliver pizzas -Some people drink the urine of pregnant women to build up their immune system -The five Olympic rings represent the five continents linked together in friendship -Ray Kroc bought McDonalds for $2.7 million in 1961 from the McDonald brothers -The first person to die in the electric chair was William Kemmler, an ax murderer from New York on August 6, 1890 -Finland has 187,888 lakes and 179,584 islands -The average adult has approximately six pounds of skin -A crocodile can open and close its jaw but cannot move it side to side -There are over 1,000,000 swimming pools in Florida, eventhough the ocean is no farther than 80 miles away -99% of the blueberries that are produced in the United States are produced in the state of Maine -On May 9, 1999 approximately 600,000 gallons of whiskey flowed into the Kentucky River during a fire at Wild Turkey Distillery in Lawrenceburg -Thomas Jefferson had three achievements placed on his headstone at his request, "Here Was Buried Thomas Jefferson/Author Of The Declaration Of American Independence/Of The Statute Of Virginia For Religious Freedom/And Father Of The University of Virginia.? He never mentioned being President of the United States -Humans and cows have the same gestation period, which is about nine months -In the Victoria era, red tulips were a declaration of love -The sport Lacrosse was initially played by Native American Indians. They played the sport to prepare for war -It takes a sloth up to six days to digest the food it eats -According to Scandinavian traditions, if a boy and girl eat from the same loaf of bread, they are bound to fall in love -In 1796, Napoleon was only 26 years old when he took command of the French Army of Italy -A bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed every animal in the Berlin Zoo except the elephant, which escaped and roamed the city. When a Russian commander saw hungry Germans chasing the elephant and trying to kill it, he ordered his troops to protect it and shoot anyone who tried to kill it -The expression "Tying the Knot" comes from an old Roman custom where the brides clothes were tied up all in knots and the groom was supposed to untie the knots -Snake is a delicacy in China -In 1999, All Nippon Airlines, had one of its jets fully decorated with Pokemon characters from nose to tail on its exterior -The Dead Sea has been sinking for last several years -Uranus has 27 moons -Actress Sally Field was paid $4,000 a week for her role in the TV show The Flying Nun -More pollution is emitted from the average home compared to the average car. -The snow leopard protects itself from extreme cold when it sleeps by wrapping its 3-foot-long tail around its nose -Only 4% of babies are born on their actual due date -In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile Services(two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number theotherchannel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, butnochannel 1. -There are more Subway restaurants in Canada than there are McDonald restaurants -The CN Tower, in Toronto, is the tallest freestanding structure in the world with a height of about 553 metres -Construction on the Leaning Tower of Pisa began on August 9th, 1173 -President Lyndon Johnson used to smoke three packs of cigarettes a day -The Tibetan name for Mount Everest is Chomolungma -The word "laser" stands for "Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission by radiation." -In a lifetime, on average a honey bee produces 1/12th of a teaspoon of honey -There are 315 species of parrot in the world -The TV show Doctor Who, when it was popular, had an audience of 110 million people -The cost to build the Empire State Building was $40,948,900 -A person who smokes a pack of cigarettes a day will on average lose two teeth every ten years -Wasps that feed on ferment occasionally get drunk and pass out -The largest cereal company in the world is Quaker Oats, located in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, USA -The first Olympic games only had one event - a foot race -Colonel Sanders traveled over 250,000 miles a year visiting various parts of his Kentucky Fried Chicken Empire -Some desert snails have been known to sleep for three to four years -Over 80% of the brain is water -From the age of thirty, humans gradually begin to shrink in size -Jackrabbits can reach a speed of fifty miles per hour and can leap as far as twenty feet -There are 40 official jelly belly flavours -Early sewing machines were destroyed by mobs or workers who felt their jobs were threatened by automation -In 1992, the Antarctic Ozone hole was larger than the continent of North America. -Someone gets divorced every ten to thirteen seconds -There is a certain type of Hawk Moth caterpillar from Brazil that inflates its thorax, which makes its head look like a head of a snake when it feels it is in danger or alarmed -The CIA has made a disk camera that is as big as a quarter. This gadget can take many pictures at a time when the disk is opened. -The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows." -In Hong Kong, delivery times are primarily influenced by traffic conditions on elevators. It often takes drivers longer to travel vertically than horizontally, as access to elevators is so congested during "high peak" hours. This is due to the volume of people residing in high rises -The ancient Greeks had a fascination with the planet Mars. They attributed the planet to Ares, their god of war, because of its red colour -The only lizard that has a voice is the Gecko -In Israel, religious law forbids picking your nose on Sabbath -In twins, there is a great chance that one will be left handed -In the 1920's, Q-Tips were invented by Leo Gerstenzang who got the idea after watching his wife clean their baby's ears with cotton stuck onto a toothpick. -In the Pacific Islands when people get burns they often use a banana leaf as treatment -Acorns were used as a coffee substitute during the American Civil War -An airplane mechanic invented Slinky while he was playing with engine parts and realized the possible secondary use for the springs. Barbie was invented by Ruth Handler after watching her daughter play with baby dolls imagining then in grown up roles -When the female grasshopper lays eggs, she covers her eggs with a pasty liquid that protects the eggs throughout the winter -The longest recorded duration of a total solar eclipse was 7.5 minutes. -On average, an American makes three pounds of garbage in a day -Even if you eat food standing on your head, the food will still end up in your stomach -The word breakfast was coined due to the fact that after sleeping for hours, we are "breaking our fast." -The cardigan was originally made to be a military jacket made of knitted wool -The month of December is the most popular month for weddings in the Philippines -The deepest cave in the world is the "Lamprechtsofen-Vogelshacht" cave which can be found in Salzburg, Austria. The cave is 5,354 feet deep -The capital of Vermont, Montpelier is the only state capital in the United States that does not have a McDonalds -The longest engagement lasted 67 years, and the couple ended up marrying when they were 82 years old -Milk and cheese can aid in the reduction of tooth decay -On average, a strawberry has 200 seeds on it -Coconuts kill more people in the world than sharks do -The average person spends two weeks of their life kissing -Research has indicated that indoor pollution is 10 times more toxic than outdoor pollution -Eating a banana at night can help in falling asleep -The stapler was invented in Spring Valley, Minnesota. -The first television newscaster was Kolin Hager, who used to broadcast farm and weather reports in 1928 -Pixie, a Siberian Husky, gave birth to 7 puppies, one of which was bright green -Back in 1953, it took 27 hours to make one Marshmallow Peep. Now it takes only six minutes -On average, an ear of a corn has 16 rows and approximately 800 kernels -The green ring that is formed around the yolk of eggs that have been cooked too long is formed by the chemical reaction from the iron in the yolk and the sulphur in the white part of the egg -The silk that is produced by spiders is stronger than steel -The first president to have a picture taken was John Quincy Adams -Some brands of toothpaste contain glycerin or glycerol, which is also an ingredient in antifreeze -1 in 2000 babies are born with a tooth that is already visible -It was during World War II that clothes with elastic waists were introduced. This is because the metal used in zippers was badly needed for the war -In 1902, the game table tennis was brought to the U.S. from Europe by Parker Brothers -Next to bone marrow, hair is the fastest growing tissue in the human body -When playing competitive darts the player must be 7 feet 9 1/4 inches back from the dartboard. Also the board must be 5 feet 8 inches above the floor -Earthworms have 5 hearts -If all the gold sitting in the oceans and seas were mined, every person on this plant would get about 20 kilograms of gold each. -To make an espresso 42 coffee beans are needed -The oil that is found in poison ivy is called "urushiol." -Of all the days of the week, the most popular day for people to eat ice cream is Sunday -The first museum in Moscow that was set up in 1791 was the Natural History Laboratory at Moscow University. This later was changed to the Zoological Museum -A surfer once sued another surfer for "stealing his wave." The case was thrown out because the court was unable to put a price on "pain and suffering" endured by the surfer watching someone else ride "his" wave -Many people in parts of China eat insects. Some common insects are bean worms, scoprions, and locusts -The largest dog in the world is the Irish Wolfhound -Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a fifty thousand-word novel, "Gadsby," without any word containing the letter "e." -The projection light used for IMAX theaters can be seen from space. -The human liver performs over 500 functions -Ballroom dancing is a course at Brigham Young University in Utah -The word "maverick" came into use after Samuel Maverick, a Texan, refused to brand his cattle. Eventually any unbranded calf became known as a Maverick -Finnish folklore states that when Santa comes to Finland to deliver gifts, he leaves his sleigh behind and rides on a goat named Ukko instead -More than $1 billion is spent each year on neck ties in the United States -In the 18th century, potatoes were given out as a dessert. They were served in a napkin, salted and hot -The only poisonous birds in the world are the three species of Pitohui. The Hooded Pitohui from Papua New Guinea is the most deadliest out of the three -Pretzels were originally invented for Christian Lent. The twists of the pretzels are to resemble arms crossed in prayer -The American Airlines Center in Dallas has more toilets per capita than any other sports and entertainment venue in the country -After 8 months, babies are more likely to get a diaper rash -The first modern toothbrush was invented in China. Its bristles came from hogs hair or the mane of a horse that were then put into ivory handles -The New Zealand Kiwi bird cannot fly -66% of wedding cards are hand delivered by people -Heavier lemons produce more, and tastier, juice -The leading cause of poisoning for children under the age of six in the home is liquid dish soap -The same amount of calories are burned by doing 6 sessions that are 5 minutes each of an activity and doing 1 session of that activity for 30 minutes -General William Booth is the founder of the Salvation Army -Iguanas can stay under water for up to thirty minutes -The fastest flying butterfly is the Monarch, which has been clocked with a speed as high as 17 miles per hour -Egyptian pyramid builders used to eat a lot of garlic because they thought it would increase their strength -The average office document gets copied 19 times -In just the first 56 days of life, the larva of the polyphemus moth eats about 86,000 times its birthweight -Every hour one billion cells in the body must be replaced -American actor Jack Nicholson, and American singer Bobby Darrin were raised believing their grandmothers were their mothers and their mothers were their older sisters -The average height of an NBA basketball player is 6 feet 7 inches -One in five Americans move homes every year -The chocolate chip cookie was invented in 1933 -The capital of Burkina Faso is Ouagadougou -A catfish has about 100,000 taste buds -The Liberty Bell was the first mechanical slot machine, which was invented by Charles Fey, a car mechanic in 1895. -A Russian man who wore a beard during the time of Peter the Great had to pay a special tax -The silkworm moth has lost the ability to fly ever since it has been domesticated -The first cheerleaders in the U.S. were men -In 1965, the price for an issue of TV Guide was 15 cents -In 1565 In St. Augustine, Florida the first orange trees were planted -Nose prints are used to identify dogs, much like humans use fingerprints -In the United States, six tubs of Cool Whip, a brand of whipping cream, are sold every second -The most popular chocolate bar in the United Kingdom for the last 15 years has been Kit Kat -White-Out was invented by Bette Nesmith Graham, who is the mother of Michael Nesmith from the "The Monkees." -There are over 2,000 different types of cheese in the world -Historically, a blue ribbon has been awarded for first prize -Seventy-one percent of households report they have at least one snorer. Forty-five percent of those surveyed admit they snore, 35% said their partner snores, 12% said their child snores and 9% reported their pet snores -The original meaning of the word grocer was referring to a person who traded food in wholesale. These people would usually sell in large quantities, or by the "gross." -Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas -Actress Michelle Pfeiffer was the first choice to play Clarice Starling in the movie "Silence of the Lambs." She turned down the role because she found it too scary -The White House has 35 bathrooms, 3 elevators, 132 rooms, and 412 doors in it -Due to the deforestation of the forests in North China, over one million tons of sands blows into Beijing from the Gobi desert. It sometimes causes the sky to turn yellow. -Cows are able to hear lower and higher frequencies better than human beings -Approximately 60% of the water used by households during the summer is used for watering flowers, and lawns -The largest diamond that was ever found was 3106 carats. -In 1970, Chip maker Intel purchased a pear orchard to build their corporate headquarters on -The mating call of a male toadfish, who are underwater, is so loud that it can be heard by humans above water -The most popular jelly belly jellybean flavour is buttered popcorn -The Nike swoosh was invented by Caroline Davidson back in 1971. She received $35 for making the swoosh. The first shoe with the swoosh was introduced in 1972 -Slaves under the last emperors of China wore pigtails so they could be picked out quickly -An adult esophagus can range from 10 to 14 inches in length and is one inch in diameter -A squash ball moving at 150 kilometers per hour has the same impact of a .22 bullet -Telephonophobia is the fear of telephones -The word alligator comes from the Spanish word El Lagarto, which means "The Lizard." -While still in college, Bill Gates and Paul Allen once built a special purpose machine called "Traff-O-Data." It was a machine that would analyze information gathered by traffic monitors. They never found any buyers. -The citric acid found in lemon juice is said to be able to dissolve a pearl -Robert Southey wrote the story "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" in 1834 -The tallest woman in the world is American Sandy Allen who is 7 feet 7 inches -Astronauts get taller when they are in space -Only 5 to 10 percent of cheetah cubs make it to adulthood -Dentyne gum was invented in 1899 by a druggist from New York named Franklin V. Canning -It takes about three hours for food to be broken down in the human stomach -When former Texas Governor James Hogg was on his deathbed he made a special request that a pecan tree be planted at the head of his grave instead of a tombstone. The governor passed away on March 2, 1906, which is Texas Independence Day. The pecan tree is now the state tree of Texas -In a year, there are 60,000 trampoline injuries that occur in the U.S -There is an organization called SCROOGE in Charlottesville, Virginia that stands for Society to Curtail Ridiculous, Outrageous, and Ostentatious Gift Exchanges. This was formed to keep gift giving affordable and simple -The first World Series baseball playoffs occurred in 1903 -Archipelago is the word to describe a large group of islands that are located close together -The life expectancy of a garbage disposal is about 5 to 10 years -In the original movie "101 Dalmatians," there are exactly 6,469,952 spots on all 101 Dalmatians as they are shown in 113,760 frames of the film combined -The average North American car contains 300 pounds of plastics -A person who is a specialist in wine making is called an oenologist -You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog -The number one cause of rabies in the United States are bats -The music for "The Star Spangled Banner" comes from a British drinking song named "Anacreon." -27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell." (big surprise, eh?) -Close to fifty percent of the bacteria in the mouth lives on the surface of our tongue -Less than 1% of the women in the world will ever be able to wear a diamond that is the size of a carat or more -Ketchup originated in China as a pickled fish sauce called ke-tsiap -In Britain, The Red Lion is the most common name for a pub -In 1997, the record for the highest skydive by a dog at 4,572 feet was established by a dog named Brutus -The majority of burglaries occur during the daytime when people are not home -Traditionally, wild cabbage was used as an aphrodisiac -Tiger Woods was introduced to golf at nine months of age by his father -A person will burn 7 percent more calories if they walk on hard dirt compared to pavement -It would take 29 million years for a car travelling 100 miles per hour to reach the nearest star -Blue Jays can imitate the calls of hawks -There are over three trillion craters on the moon, with some being having a diameter over three feet -In India, a 9-year-old girl was "married" to a stray dog, which tribal custom requires in order to protect a child whose first tooth appears on the upper gum -There is now an ATM at McMurdo Station in Antarctica, which has a winter population of two hundred people -In Canada, men are three times more likely than women to have seen a doctor in the last year -The most expensive spice in the world is saffron -In one night, an adult hippopotamus eats approximately 150 pounds of grass -Cows can detect odors up to five miles away -There are about 125 million multiples (twins, triplets, etc.) worldwide -Arthur Giblin was the inventor of the first "flushable" toilet -Consuming chocolate was once considered a sin during the 16th and 17th century. During that time it was provided in the form of a drink and since drinking wine during lent was a sin, so was drinking chocolate -Approximately 40% of the states in the U.S. have severe, or extreme pollution problems -Wendel Clark holds the record for the longest span between NHL All-Star appearances, with 13 years (1986-1999) -Ancient Egyptians believed that onions would keep evil spirits away -Dill seeds are so small that approximately 10,000 dill seeds would be required to make an ounce -To make one pound of whole milk cheese, 10 pounds of whole milk is needed -If all the insects in the world were put on a scale, they would out weigh all creatures -Women smile more than men do -A ripe cranberry will bounce. Another name for a cranberry is bounceberry -Termites work 24 hours per day -- they do not sleep -The Romans used to clean themselves with olive oil since they did not have any soap. They would pour the oil on their bodies, and then use a strigil, which is type of blade, to scrape off any dirt along with the oil -The act of stretching and yawning is referred to as pandiculation -In the 1960 movie "Psycho" by Alfred Hitchcock, chocolate syrup was used to show the blood in the shower scene -Carolyn Shoemaker, famous astronomer, has discovered 32 comets and approximately 300 asteroids -The longest fangs of a snake are found on the Gaboon Viper (Bitis gabonica), and can reach over 2 inches in length -Once a human reaches the age of 35, he/she will start losing approximately 7,000 brain cells a day. The cells will never be replaced -Approximately 100,000 people get married in Las Vegas each year -Amish people do not believe in the use of aerosal air fresheners -Coca-cola used to use the slogan "Good to the last drop," in 1908. This slogan was later used by Maxwell House -The blind cavefish is born with eyes, but they fall off as the fish grows -The Indian election in 1984 was the largest election of any country. Over 379,000,000 voters were eligible to vote at over 480,000 polling stations -A single chocolate chip gives enough energy to a human being to walk 150 feet -There are 54 bones in your hands including the wrists -The name for Oz in "The Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz." -The town of Churchill, Manitoba, located in Canada, is known as the "Polar Bear Capital of the World" -Amtrak is the combination of the words "American" and "Track" -On average, an American relocates 11 times in their life -Fires onland generally move faster uphill than downhill -The cartoon character Popeye was actually based on a real person named Frank "Rocky" Fiegel who was a tough guy who was quite similar to Popeye physically -Frisbee got its name from William Russel Frisbee, who was a pie baker. He used to sell his pies in a thin tin pan, which had Frisbee written on it. When Walter Frederick Morrison thought of the idea of making saucer like disks to play catch, he visited the campus of Yale and noticed people there were using the pie pan to play catch so he therefore renamed his invention to Frisbee -Some arthritis medications contain gold salts, which is used as an anti-inflammatory -Lemon juice can aid in reducing the swelling caused by insect bites -LSD is made from lysergic acid, which is found in ergot, a type of fungus -DC-10, the name of an airplane stands for "Douglas Commercial." -In approximately 18 months, the papaya tree can grow to be 20 feet tall -Parrots cannot eat chocolate because it is poisonous to their body -Americans are responsible for generating roughly 20% percent of the garbage in the world -Termites are roasted and eaten like popcorn in South Africa -The official state tree of Illinois is The White Oak -In 1971, the postal code was introduced in Ottawa, Ontario -The tridacna clam can grow up to four feet long and weigh up to 500 pounds -The state that has the most diners in the world is New Jersey, which is referred to as the "Diner Capital of the World." -Approximately 1-2 calorie are burned a minute while watching T.V -The first recipe for a lasagna type dish was found to be from a British cookbook in the 14th century. Therefore, Italians were not the first ones to come up with the popular dish as believed -If an identical twin grows up without having a certain tooth, the other twin will most likely also grow up with that tooth missing -Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined -According to legend, tea originated in China when tea leaves accidentally blew into a pot of boiling water -Kite flying is a professional sport in Thailand -Urine from men?s public urinals was sold as a commodity in Ancient Rome. It was used as a dye and for making clothes hard -1 out of 350,000 Americans get electrocuted in their life -New Mexico is known as the "Land of Enchantment." -In 1890, Scott Paper produced the first toilet paper to be available on a roll -An elephant in the wild can eat anywhere from 100 - 1000 pounds of vegetation in a 16 hour period -Some of the other names that were thought of for the dwarfs in the Disney movie "Snow White" were Awful, Dirty, Shifty, Hotsy, and Jumpy -In the U.S., over 35 million people have used some sort of illegal drug in the last year -96% of candles that are purchased are by women -The oldest bird on record was Cocky, a cockatoo, who died in the London Zoo at the age of 82 -A cow averages 40,000 jaw movements a day -The reason the soft drink Dr Pepper is called that is because the inventor Wade Morrison named it after Dr. Charles Pepper who had given him his first job -Annually 17 tons of gold is used to make wedding rings in the United States -Women on average live seven years longer than men do -A British term for slot machine is "fruit machine" or "one-armed bandit." -In 1946 Danon Yogurt were the first to add fruit to commercially produced yogurt in U.S -The first domain name ever registered was Symbolics.com on March 15, 1985. -The first flavour of a cheese ball was called "Cheddy Blue." -Over 500 million gallons of Kool-Aid drink are consumed each year -The waste produced by one chicken in its lifetime can supply enough electricity to run a 100-watt bulb for five hours -Hydrogen solid is the most dense substance in the world, at 70.6g/cc -Missouri has been to most NCAA tournaments than any other college without reaching the final four -The hump of a camel can weigh up to 35 kilograms -Lake Malawi has the largest number of fish species in the world -The first Labor Day holiday was celebrated on Tuesday, September 5, 1882, in New York City -The word "sophomore" means "sophisticated moron." -Jim Bristoe, an American, invented a 30-foot-long, 2-ton pumpkin cannon that can fire pumpkins up to five miles. -There are about 61,300 pizza restaurants in the United States of America -To tell if a egg is fully cooked or raw, just spin it. If the egg wobbles then it is still raw, and if it easily spins it is fully cooked -Used in art the word "sfumato" refers to the subtle blending of an outline by gradually blending one tone into another -There is a species of bird, Antpitta avis canis Ridgley, that barks like a dog -The flu pandemic of 1918 killed over 20 million people -Approximately 20% of Americans have a passport -The Nobel prize was first awarded in 1901 -The reason why milk is white is because it contains a protein called Casein, which is white. Milk also contains fat, which is also white -After twenty-seven years, Betty Rubble made her debut as a Flintstones Vitamin in 1996 -When telephone companies first began hiring telephone operators, they chose teenage boys for the job. They switched to women because the teenage boys were wrestling instead of working and pulling pranks on callers -In a lifetime, the heart pumps about one million barrels of blood -The Sears Tower in Chicago contains enough steel to build 50,000 automobiles -The first words that Thomas A. Edison spoke into the phonograph were, "Mary had a little lamb." -There are 400 species of bacteria in the human colon -In the 20th century, over three million people have died from earthquakes -In ancient Egypt, the only person who was allowed to wear cotton was the High Priest -Blueberries have more antioxidents than any other fruit or vegetables -The Mount Horeb Mustard Museum which is located in Wisconsin has the biggest collection of prepared mustards. They have approximately 4,000 different jars and tubes from all over the world -Bananas trees are not really trees. They are considered to be giant herb plants -Sponge Candy was invented in Buffalo, NY -When the volcano Krakatoa off the Java islands exploded in 1883, it was so loud that it woke some people up in South Australia -Pearls are rarely found in North American oysters -The average cocoon contains about 300-400 metres of silk -Lake Nicaragua boasts the only fresh-water sharks in the entire world -Boxing champion Gene Tunney taught Shakespeare at Yale University -The most popular pickle is the Dill pickle -Diabetes is the fourth leading cause of death in the U.S., accounting for about 180,000 deaths per year -Every year approximately 3,000 people choke to death -Cow is a Japanese brand of shaving foam -The fastest running bird is the Ostrich, which has been clocked at 97.5 kilometres per hour -When the divorce rate goes up in the United States, toy makers report that the sale of toys also rise -Q-Tip Cotton Swabs were originally called Baby Gays -The Pacific island of Tonga once issued a stamp that was banana shaped -A mole can dig a tunnel three hundred feet long in a single night -The only commercial aircraft that is able to break the sound barrier is the Concorde. -U.S. Postal Service processes 38 million address changes each year -In 1984, Ronald Reagan declared the month of July to be "National Ice Cream Month." -The small intestine in the human body is about 2 inches around, and 22 feet long -In 1905, the first pizzeria in the U.S. opened in New York City -In the early nineteenth century some advertisements claimed that riding the carousel was good for the circulation of blood -For the blockbuster movie "The Terminator," O.J. Simpson was considered to play the role of the Terminator, but producers did not choose him as they thought he would not be taken seriously -The actor who played the T-1000 in Terminator 2 (Robert Patrick) and the lead singer of Filter are brothers -The sole purpose of a drone bee is to mate with the queen bee -Cleopatra married two of her brothers -In an average lifetime, people spend four years traveling in cars and six months waiting for red light to turn green -At one time, pumpkins were recommended for removing freckles -In just one drop of liquid, 50 million bacteria can be present -The Montreal Canadians hockey team has won the most Stanley Cups with 24 -Nylon is a man-made fibre that is made from coal and petroleum -When the First Lady, Eleanor Roosevelt, received an alarming number of threatening letters, soon after her husband became President at the height of the Depression, the Secret Service insisted that she carry a pistol in her purse -Swiss engineer George de Mestral, who got the idea after noticing burrs were sticking to his pants after his regular walks through the woods, invented Velcro. -Bees can communicate with other bees by dancing. Their dance can alert other bees as to which direction and the distance nectar and pollen is located -The steepest street in the world is Baldwin Street located in Dunedin, New Zealand. It has an incline of 38% -One billion pounds of pasta would need approximately 2,021,452,000 gallons of water to cook it. This is equivalent to 75,000 Olympic-size swimming pools -The average Super Bowl party has 18 people -An ant can detect a movement through 5 centimeters of earth -One out of 200 women is colorblind -On average, the rainfall across the Amazon is 7 feet annually. -Passion fruits have a tranquilizing effect on the body -In 1982, Larry Walters tied 24 weather balloons to his lawn chair in Los Angeles and climbed to an altitude of 16,000 feet -Centuries ago in India, a person could get their nose chopped off for breaking the law -The amount of blood a female mosquito drinks per serving is five millionths of a liter -An adult porcupine has approximately 30,000 quills on its body, which are replaced every year -The name for Ivory Soap was inspired by a verse from the Bible. Harley Proctor got though of the name when the minister read from Psalms 45:8, "All thy garments smell of myrrh and aloes and cassia, out of the ivory palaces whereby they have made thee glad." -A survey done by Clairol 10 years ago came up with 46% of men stating that it was okay to color their hair. Now 66% of men admit to coloring their hair -The name of the squiggly line "~" is called a tilde -In 1747, the first American mention of the Christmas tree occurred. However, it was a not a tree but instead a pyramid made out of wood and decorated with apples and evergreen boughs -There are more Barbie dolls in Italy than there are Canadians in Canada -The study of ants is called Myrmecology -In the United States, you are more likely to be killed by a bee sting than a shark attack -Coca-Cola was the first soft drink to be consumed in outer space -Frozen food can be just as nutritious as fresh food -Fourteen people die each day from asthma in the United States -The average amount of time spent kissing for a person in a lifetime is 20,160 minutes -The human body has approximately 37,000 miles of capillaries -The most expensive shoes in the world are ruby slippers located in Harrods in London, which cost $1.6 million, has a full time security guard. The shoes are made from platinum thread and has 642 rubies in them. It took over 700 hours to produce the shoe -Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star -The city of Denver was originally chosen to host the 1976 Winter Olympics, but had to withdraw because Colorado voters rejected to finance it -The longest bout of sneezing recorded was by Donna Griffith. It began in January 13 1981 and continued until September 16 1983 and lasted for 978 days -The Taj Mahal, located in Agra, India, was actually built for use as a tomb by Mogul ruler Shah Jehan for his wife, Arjuman Banu Begum -In 1943, the July issue of "Transportation Magazine" had an article entitled "1943 Guide to Hiring Women." -Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray -Scientists with high-speed cameras have discovered that rain drops are not tear shaped but rather look like hamburger buns. -Ancient Egyptian women used to wear perfume cones made of wax that would melt in the heat letting out a nice fragrance -Mardi Gras means "Fat Tuesday." This is the festival that New Orleans, Louisiana is famous for having every year -There was once a fish caught in Delaware Bay with a watch still ticking inside -In Singapore, it is illegal to sell or own chewing gum -The nut "filbert" got its name from St. Philbert which is celebrated on August 22nd, which is also when the nut matures -Some species of dolphin sleep with one eye open -The chewing gum Juicy Fruit has 10 calories. This is approximately the same as a bite of whole wheat bread -In ancient Egypt, doctors used jolts from the electric catfish to reduce the pain of arthritis -In order to scare away predators, Giant petrels, a type of seabird, throw up all over the intruder -Elvis Presley used to be a truck driver before he started singing -The average cow produces about 2,305 gallons of milk each year -Former U.S. president Ronald Reagan worked as a lifeguard in his youth at a beach near Dixon, Illinois and saved over 77 lives -In 2000, there were 1,579,566 drug arrests in the United States. Of those, close to half were for marijuana -Just like fingerprints, every cats nose pad is different -Popeye is 34 years old, weighs 158 lbs, and is 5 feet 6 inches tall -Researchers have shot footage of Orcas (killer whales) attacking and killing great white sharks -In 1992, approximately 750 deaths occurred in the United States due to workplace violence -In the movie "Babe", the piglet was played by over 30 different piglets they outgrew the part so quickly during the production of the film -Research indicates that people prefer the colour blue for their casual clothing -The leading cause of deaths for children between the ages of 1 and 4 are motor vehicle crashes -The first toilet being flushed in a motion picture was in the movie "Psycho." -The human brain has about 100,000,000,000 (100 billion) neurons -One acre of wheat can produce enough bread to feed a family of four people for about ten years -Queen Victoria used marijuana, to help relieve menstrual cramp pain -On a ship a toilet is called a head -Approximately 10.5 gallons of water is used in a dishwasher. Washing the dishes by hand can use up to 20 gallons of water -The thing that hangs from the top of the beak of a turkey is called the snood -Ticks can be as small as a grain of rice and grow to be as big as a marble -An American chews an average of 300 sticks of gum in a year -Most cows give more milk when they listen to music -Giant flying foxes, which are a type of bat, that live in Indonesia have wingspans of nearly six feet -Since 1950, over 230 million eggs of Silly Putty have been sold -Oral-B is a combination of oral hygiene and the letter B, which stands for the word better -Frank Wathernam was the last prisoner to leave Alcatraz prison on March 21, 1963 -A blink lasts approximately 0.3 seconds -In 1903 Mary Anderson invented the windshield wipers -Both Thomas Jefferson and Jimmy Carter, U.S. presidents, were peanut farmers at one time -A cow releases about 125 gallons of gas per day -The Apollo 17 crew were the last men on the moon -Spartacus led the revolt of the Roman slaves and gladiators in 73 B.C -The Mexican version of the Tooth Fairy is known as the Tooth Mouse, which takes the tooth and leaves treasures in its place -In a day the blue whale calf drinks approximately 130 gallons of milk -A person would have to drink more than 12 cups of hot cocoa to equal the amount of caffeine found in one cup of coffee -The oldest documented footwear found was a 8,000 year-old sandal found in a cave located in Missouri, USA -Broccoli was first introduced into France during the royal marriage of Catherine de Medici to Henry II of France -By federal law, for a noodle to actually be a noodle it must have 5.5 percent egg solids in it, otherwise it cannot be called a noodle -The human heart beast roughly 35 million times a year -People that use mobile phones are 2.5 time more likely to develop cancer in areas of the brain that are adjacent to the ear they use to talk on the mobile phone -Turkeys can have heart attacks. When the Air Force was conducting test runs and breaking the sound barrier, fields of turkeys dropped dead because of heart attacks -The act of sneezing is referred to as sternutation -The average medium size piano has about 230 strings -A study revealed that men that were born with a low birth weight were less likely to get married -It takes about 63,000 trees to make the newsprint for the average Sunday edition of The New York Times -On average, you would need 12.5 gallons of milk to make one gallon of ice cream -A leech can gorge itself up to a maximum of five times its body weight -There are places in Saskatchewan called Elbow, Eyebrow, and Drinkwater -A butterfly has to have a body temperature greater than 86 degrees to be able to fly -The beeswax that is produced by Honey bees comes from eight paired glands that are located on the underside of their stomach -People in low-income homes spend 50% more time playing video games than people in high-income homes -Lighthouse keepers were nicknamed "wickies" because they tended the lamps wick -Taco Bell serves over 35 million consumers each week in the USA -During the Roman times, people used urine, called lotium in Latin, as a hair product -There are approximately 90 people that have been frozen after their death. -The smallest will ever written was 3.8 cm in diameter. It had 40 words written on it and was signed by two witnesses -The length of a human esophagus is 25 centimeters -In 1942 the Jello company introduced Cola flavored jello, which only lasted a year -Males account for 60% of toy injuries that occur in the U.S -The company "Sony" was originally called "Totsuken." They felt the name "Sony" would be easier to pronounce. The name was invented by a cross between the name "sonus" and "sonny." The name sound and sonic are derived. Sonny was used to represent a young man or boy, which would show a energetic young company -The Red Cross is called the Red Crescent in Arab countries -The Olympics were originally held for the Greek god Zeus -The oldest inhabited house in Scotland is the Traquair Castle. The castle has had 27 kings as visitors -Four billion pounds of watermelon were grown in the United States in 1999 -Wham-O manufactured twenty-thousand hula-hoops a day at the peak of hula-hoop popularity in 1958 -JELL-O was declared The "Official State Snack" of Utah in January 2001 -Elvis Presley was obsessed with brushing his teeth -When the Statue of Liberty was moved from France to the United States, 214 crates were used to transport it. The Statue was also reduced to 350 pieces -There are approximately 2000 thunderstorms that are active at the same time which results in 100 lightning flashes a second. -In-vitro babies are born in Australia more than any other country in the world -Uranus? winter and summer seasons last the equivalent of 21 Earth years -More people die from eating sharks then from being eaten by them. This is due to a poison in shark meat -The murder rate in the United States is about four times greater than in Japan. In Japan, no private citizen can buy a handgun legally -The rarest chocolate bar in the world is the Porcelana bar. There are only 20,000 of these bars produced a year, and they sell for $90 per pound -The reason why locusts swarm are because when they are in groups, a "hot-spot" behind their hind legs is stimulated, which in turn causes their destructive nature. A large swarm of locusts can eat eighty thousand tons of corn in a day -There are an equivalent number of cows and people in Friesland, Netherlands -Centipedes always have an uneven pairs of walking legs -A chicken once had its head cut off and survived for over eighteen months, headless -The largest diamond found in the United States was a 40.23 carat white diamond. It was found in 1924 and nicknamed the "Uncle Sam." -Following directions off the Internet and chemicals obtained from a mail order company, a team of U.S. scientists created an identical copy of the polio virus. -Every day, the Hubble telescope transmits enough data to fit 10,000 standard computer disks -The average number of people that go to a party for the Super Bowl is 17 -The amount of Kit Kat chocolate bars that are made at the York factory every 15 minutes are enough to outstack the Eiffel Tower -The skin of a shark is made up of "tiny teeth" which are called dermal denticles -The strongest gust of wind was recorded at the Mount Washington Observatory on April 12th, 1934, and measured 231 miles per hour. -The company Chanel claims that every 30 seconds, somewhere in the world, a bottle of Chanel No 5 is sold -The reason why bubbles are round is because this is the most efficient shape that the soap film can take for the amount of air trapped inside -It is very common for babies in New Zealand to sleep on sheepskins. This is to help them gain weight faster, and retain their body heat -From 1526 to 1707, the first six Mogul emperors of India ruled in unbroken succession from father to son -A one kilogram packet of sugar will have about 5 million grains of sugar -Bats emit ultrasonic sounds to communicate with each other -Rats can survive up to 14 days without any food -Canola oil is actually rapeseed oil but the name was changed in Canada for marketing reasons -Three consecutive strikes in bowling is called a turkey -In a year, about 90 million jars of Skippy Peanut Butter are sold. This works out to three jars sold every second -In a lifetime, an average man will shave 20,000 times -The Pentagon has 284 restrooms -From 1967-1976, the town of Tororo located in Uganda had thunder 251 out of the 365 days in a year for those years. -Children grow faster in the springtime than any other season during the year -Another name for licorice is "Sweet Wood" or "Spanish Juice." -The reason the Animal Crackers box is designed with a string handle is because when the popular circus theme was introduced in 1902 they thought it would also be a good idea to package them with a string as a Christmas novelty so they could be hung from Christmas trees -Sheep can detect other sheep faces like humans do. They can remember up to 50 sheep faces -The loudest insect in the world is the male cicadas, which are like crickets. When they rub their abdomens, the sound made can be heard from 1300 feet -Each year 96 billion pounds of food is wasted in the U.S -Pretzel snacks have been around for over 1300 years. A European monk invented the snack using used leftover bread dough -Sharks are capable of surviving on average six weeks without eating. The record observed in an aquarium is fifteen months by a species of shark known as the "swell shark." -The destruction of the Berlin Wall began when private citizens began to demolish entire sections of the Wall without interference from government officials on November 9, 1989 -Most American women have their first baby when they are 24.3 years old -Frogs do not need to drink water as they absorb the water through their skin -A group of larks is called an exaltation -The Kool Aid Man used to be known as "Pitcher Man" when he was first introduced in 1975 -Wheel of Fortune star Vanna White holds the record for putting her hands together approximately 140,000 times to clap -Men sweat more than women. This is because women can better regulate the amount of water they lose -Research has indicated that approximately eleven minutes are cut off the life of an average male smoker from each cigarette smoked -The triangular shape that Toblerone chocolates are packaged in, is protected by law -In 1945, the first "floating ice cream parlor" was built for sailors in the western Pacific. This "floating ice cream parlour" could produce ten gallons of ice cream every seven seconds -The formula for Coca-cola has never been patented -The average day is actually 23 hours, 56 minutes and 4.09 seconds. We have a leap year every four years to make up for this shortfall -Before its name was changed, the African Penguin used be called the Jackass Penguin because of its donkey-like braying call -During the high feeding season, it has been estimated that an adult blue whale can eat up to 40 million krill in one day. (Krill are shrimp like creatures) -Pound for pound, leopards are said to be seven times stronger than humans -One average, men spend 60 hours a year shaving -Botanically a rhubarb is a vegetable. It was changed to a fruit in 1947 by a U.S. Custom Court -Sawney Beane, his wife, 8 sons, 6 daughters, and 32 grandchildren were a family of cannibals that lived in the caves near Galloway, Scotland in the early 17th Century. Although the total number is not known, it is believed they claimed over 50 victims per year. The entire family was taken by an army detachment to Edinburgh and executed, apparently without trial -The movie that grossed the most money that was adapted from a T.V. cartoon is Scooby-Doo -There are five million scent receptors located in a human beings nose -When Coca-Cola was invented, American tourists that visited Spain were surprised to see that Coke was three times as expensive as a glass of brandy -Some silkworms can spin cocoons that contain more than two miles of silk -The mother of famous astronomer Johannes Kepler was accused of being a witch -At one time, Pumpkins were recommended for the removal of freckles and curing snake bites -Approximately 200 pets are buried in a pet cemetery out of the thousands of pets that die each day -The average Hostess Twinkie is 68 percent air as measured by volume according to university researchers -In Haiti, only 1 out of every 200 people own a car. This is ironic considering approximately 33% of the country's budget on import is spent on equipment for fuel and transportation. -Every U.S. bill regardless of denomination costs just 4 cents to make -About 30% of American admit to talking to their dogs or leaving messages on their answering machines for their dogs while they are away -Caterpillar means "hairy cat" in Old French -The ostrich has two toes on each feet which gives it greater speed -On September 3, 1970, a hailstone was found in Coffeyville, Kansas that was eight inches in diameter and weighed 1.67 pounds. -Honorificabilitudinitatibus is the longest English word that consists strictly of alternating consonants and vowels -It can take up to a month for a rattlesnake to re-supply its venom -Close to 3 billion movie tickets are sold in India every year -The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left -There were approximately 2,228 people on board the Titanic when it sank. Of this, only 706 people survived -An elephant can live up to the age of seventy, or in some cases even more -The name "cranberry" comes from German and Dutch settlers. The berry was intially called "crane berry." The reason it was called this was because when the flowers bloom, the petals of the flowers twist backwards and look very much like the head of a crane. Eventually the name was shortened down to be "cranberry." -In New Mexico, over eleven thousand people have visited a tortilla chip that appeared to have the face of Jesus Christ burned into it -On average, he ratio of yellow kernels to white kernals in a bag of popcorn is 9:1 -The first toilet stall in a public washroom is the least likely to be used. It is also the cleanest -In 1955, only 330 Volkswagen Beetle's were sold at a price of $1800 each in the United States. -Printed on the tablet being held by the Statue of Liberty is July IV, MDCCLXXVI -The country of Fiji is made up of 332 islands -The first company to mass produce teddy bears was the Ideal Toy Company -Princess Anne from the British royal family competed in the 1976 Summer Olympics -Brazil produces the most oranges in the world -The eyeball of a human weighs approximately 28 grams -A human head remains conscious for about 15 to 20 seconds after it is been decapitated -Witchcraft means "Craft of the Wise Ones." -500,000 kids in the US live in same sex households -In July 1874, a swarm of Rocky Mountain locusts flew over Nebraska covering an area estimated at 198,600 square miles. It is estimated that the swarm contained about 12.5 trillion insects. These insects became extinct thirty years later -Tropical rainforests cover about 7% of the Earth and receive over 80 inches of rain every year -The feet have approximately 250,000 sweat glands -Approximately 7.5% of all office documents get lost -The desert tortoise can live without having to drink any water. It extracts the water it needs from the vegetation it eats -There were 13 couples celebrating their honeymoon on the Titanic -Robert Wadlow is the tallest man recorded in history. He grew to be eight feet and eleven inches and weighed 490 pounds when he died -Research indicates that plants grow healthier when they are stroked. -France is known as the perfume capital of the world -Constipation is caused when too much water is absorbed in the large intestine and the feces become dry -One ton of grapes can produce 720 bottles of wine -Eating about twenty tart cherries a day could reduce inflammatory pain and headache pain -In 2001, the five most valuable brand names in order were Coca-Cola, Microsoft, IBM, GE, and Nokia -Milk chocolate was invented in Switzerland by David Peter in 1876 -In November 1999, two women were killed by a lightning bolt. The underwire located in their bras acted as a electrical conductors, and when the lightning bolt hit the bra they left burn marks on their chest -Basketball was invented by Canadian James Naismith in 1891 -Over 100,000 birds and sea animals are killed every year due to plastic garbage -The big toe is the foot reflexology pressure point for the head -85% of weddings are held in a synagogue or church -The sport of surfing originated in Hawaii -Before soccer referees started using whistles in 1878, they used to rely on waving a handkerchief -Tobacco kills more Americans each year than alcohol, cocaine, crack, heroin, homicide, suicide, car accidents, fire and AIDS combined -The best time for a person to buy shoes is in the afternoon. This is because the foot tends to swell a bit around this time -Dead cells in the body ultimately go to the kidneys for excretion -Americans, on average, spend 18% of his or her income on transportation as compared to only 13% spent on food -There are some species of snails that are venomous. Their venom can be fatal to humans -The first box of Crayola that was ever sold had the same eight colours that are sold in the box today consisting of red, blue, yellow, green, violet, orange, black and brown. The box was sold for a nickel in 1903 -A turtle can breathe through its butt. -The rarest coffee in the world is Kopi Luwak, which is found in Indonesia. It cost about $300 a pound -The average America online user spends 70 minutes day online -People of Ancient China believed that swinging your arms could cure a headache -In 1938, Cliquot Club ginger ale was the first soft drink to be canned -The largest apple pie ever baked was forty by twenty three feet -Roughly 44% of junk mail is thrown away unopened -Catfish have taste buds located on their whiskers -The laundry detergent Tide, has a market share of about forty percent market -A Canadian, Troy Hurtubise, spent $100,000 and almost went bankrupt building a RoboCop style suit so that he could withstand a bear attack -In the United States, 8.5 million cosmetic surgical and non-surgical procedures were done in the year 2001 -Ian Fleming named his character "James Bond" after real-life ornithologist and author -Most dinosaurs walked on their toes. -On December 17 1991, the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Miami Heat 148-80, the largest margin of victory in an NBA game -There are mirrors on the moon. Astronauts left them so that laser beams could be bounced off of them from Earth. These beams help give us the distance to the moon give or take a few metres. -The U.S. army packs Tabasco pepper sauce in every ration kit that they give to soldiers -The trunk of an elephant can hold up to two gallons of water -Every year, an igloo hotel is built in Sweden that has the capacity to sleep 100 people -During the holiday season, approximately $220 million worth of Poinsettias are sold -A newborn kangaroo weighs approximately 0.03 ounces and is small enough to fit in a teaspoon -When Scott Paper Co. first started manufacturing toilet paper they did not put their name on the product because of embarrassment -The most senior crayon maker Emerson Moser retired after making 1.4 billion crayons for Crayola. It was then that he revealed that he was actually colorblind -Scientists have determined that having guilty feelings may actually damage your immune system -Forty-one percent of women apply body and hand moisturizer at least three times a day -Pretzel that have no salt on them are called "baldies." -The 1912 Olympics was the last Olympics that gave out gold medals that were made entirely out of gold -Monopoly is the best-selling board game in the world -There was a book written fourteen years before the sinking of the Titanic happened titled "Futility" by Morgan Robertson. This book was remarkably similar to the tragedy that happened to the Titanic in 1912 -One ounce of chocolate has about 20 mg of caffeine in it -Studies have shown that classical music helps cows produce more milk -Two out of five people end up marrying their first love -The name "Muppet" was coined by Jim Henson. The word was made from a combination of the word "marionette" and "puppet." -In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years -The Christmas season begins after sunset on December 24th and lasts until January 5th. This is also known as the Twelve Days of Christmas -Mosquitoes are attracted to the color blue more than any other color -In Italy, Santa Claus is known by the name Babbo Natale -Two objects have struck the earth with enough force to destroy a whole city. Each object, one in 1908 and again in 1947, struck regions of Siberia. Not one human being was hurt either time -When blue whales are first born, they gain as much as 200 pounds a day while they are calves -Families who do turn off the television during meals tend to eat healthier. This was regardless of family income, or education -About 25 percent of all the energy consumed in the US is from natural gas -American novelist Mark Twain was the first known author to submit a typed manuscript -The sound made by the toadfish when mating underwater is so loud that it can be heard by humans on the shore -In America, approximately 20% of children between the ages of 2 - 7 have televisions in their rooms -Traveling by air is the safest means of transportation. -In 1996, toy company Mattel released a "Harley Davidson" Barbie. This dolls distinctive feature is a birth mark on her face that changes position with every new release of the doll -The most common injury caused by cosmetics is to the eye by a mascara wand -There have been close to 200 coups and counter-coups in the country of Bolivia -On average, pigs live for about 15 years -Roughly 42% of people in the United Kingdom snore -No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl -Beluga whales which are also called "white whales" are not born white. They are born grey in color, and by the age of six become completely white -Tiger Woods is the first athlete to has been named "Sportsman of the Year" by magazine Sports Illustrated two times -The eight most popular foods to cause food allergies are: milk, eggs, wheat, peanuts, soy, tree nuts, fish, and shellfish -Club Direct, a travel insurance company in Britain, provides insurance plans for protection from falling coconuts -There are some bananas that are red instead of yellow -Only one out of every three people wash their hands when leaving a public bathroom -570 gallons of paint would be needed to paint the outside of the White House -Every three seconds a baby is born somewhere in the world -The total mileage driven by all U-Haul trucks in a year is enough to move a person from the Earth to the moon five times a day for an entire year -Pluto was discovered on February 10, 1930 by Clyde Tombaugh -Termites have been around for over 250 million years -The average person changes their career every 13 years -The New York Yankees have appeared in the World Series a league leading 38 times and won 26 titles -Approximately 18 billion disposable diapers end up in landfills each year. These diapers can takes as long as 500 years to finally decompose -Over 4.5 billion sticks have Trident gum have been chewed. If the stick of gum were laid out end to end they could circle the globe approximately 1.8 times -Oak trees can live 200 or more years -The brain of an ant has about 250,000 brain cells -About 26 per cent of all indoor water used by households in Sydney, Australia are for laundry -A rainbow can occur only when the sun is 40 degrees or less above the horizon -If you spray an antiseptic spray on a polar bear, its fur will turn purple -Over $7 billion a year is spent on chocolates by consumers -During World War II, Russians used dogs strapped with explosives to blow up German tanks. They trained the dogs to associate the tanks with food and ended up destroying about 25 German tanks using this method -Every year Alaska has about 5,000 earthquakes, 1,000 of which measure above 3.5 on the Richter scale -A fetus develops fingerprints at eighteen weeks -It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot -The cornea is the only living tissue in the human body that does not contain any blood vessels -In the U.S. peanuts account for 66% of all snack nuts -There are approximately 7,000 feathers on an eagle -Sharks can sense a drop of blood from a mile away -As a defense mechanism, the North American Opossum closes its eyes and becomes totally limp. Basically it plays dead -The longest town name in the world has 167 letters -A cesium atom in an atomic clock that beats over nine billion times a second. -The mythical Scottish town of Brigadoon appears for one day every one hundred years -Kermit the frog delivered the commencement address at Southampton College located in the state of New York in 1996 -In World War II, the German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet -The phrase "Often a bridesmaid, but never a bride," actually originates from an advertisement for Listerine mouthwash from 1924 -Over 50% of lottery players go back to work after winning the jackpot -The largest cultivated crop in the United States is corn -Walt Disney holds the record for the most Oscar nominations with sixty-four -On average, Americans eat one hundred acres of pizza a day. This amounts to about three hundred fifty slices per second -As an iceberg melts, it makes a fizzing sound because of the compressed air bubbles popping in the ice -The Arctic Ocean covers an area of about 14,056,000 sq miles -At one time the group "Grateful Dead" were called "The Warlocks." -Bats can detect food up to 18 feet away and what type of insect the food may be using their sense of echolocation -At the equator the Earth spins at about 1,038 miles per hour -People whose mouth has a narrow roof are more likely to snore. This is because they have less oxygen going through their nose -In one day, a human sheds 10 billion skin flakes. This amounts to approximately two kilograms in a year -On average, an American home has 3-10 gallons of hazardous materials -On average, 35 meters of hair fibre is produced on the adult scalp -Dalmatian puppies do not have any spots on them when they are born. They actually develop them as they get older -Male goats will pee on each other in order to attract mates -A dog by the name of Laika was launched into space aboard the Russian spacecraft Sputnik 2 in 1957 -In 2002, dogs have killed more people in the U.S. than the Great White shark has killed in the past 100 years -The study of twins is known as gemellology -On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper right-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner -During one seven year period, Thomas Edison obtained approximately three hundred patents. In is whole life he obtained over one thousand patents. -When Black Jack Ketchum was hung back in 1901 in Clayton New Mexico, the noose actually ended up taking his head off. The head had to be sewn back on so Black Jack could be buried properly -Every 40,000 children are killed by fires -The highest recorded speed of a sneeze is 165 km per hour -In 1985, a pregnant women was falsely accused of shoplifting a basketball -The adult electric eel can produce a five hundred volt shock, which is enough to stun a horse -When the are in danger, kangaroos will beat the ground loudly with their hind feet -To manufacture a new car approximately 148,000 liters of water is needed. -In 410 A.D. Alaric the Visigoth demanded that Rome give him three thousand pounds of pepper as ransom -Actress Jamie Lee Curtis invented a special diaper for babies that has a pocket -Honeybees use the sun as a compass which helps them navigate -An average driver spends approximately 2 hours and 14 minutes kissing in their car in a lifetime -In gangster slang, a boxing match that is fixed is called a "barney." -In a year, an average person uses the toilet 2500 times a year -A honey bee has four wings -The Bank of America was originally called the Bank of Italy until the founder, Amedeo Giannini, changed the name in 1930 -Other than London, Liverpool is the most filmed British city, and was used to film more than 140 films in 2002 -The body of the average baby is 75% water -A Chinese Scientist discovered that the Earth is round during the Han Dynasty by measuring the sun and moon's path in the sky. He recorded this fact down in the imperial records but went unnoticed until it was unearthed recently but Chinese archaeologists. -Each year, Americans throw away 25 trillion Styrofoam cups -On average, Guinness sells 7 million glasses of beer a day -An artist from Chicago named Dwight Kalb created a statue of Madonna made out of 180 pounds of ham -Reports from owners of cats and dogs indicate that 21% of dogs and 7% of cats snore -The scarlet tanager, a songbird native to Illinois, can eat as many as 2,100 gypsy-moth caterpillars in one hour -To make one raindrop of water, it takes approximately a million cloud droplets -At 120 miles per hour, a Formula One car generates so much downforce that it can drive upside down on the roof of a tunnel -The smallest bone in the human body is the stapes bone which is located in the ear -India used to be the richest country in the world until the British invasion in the early 17th Century -Some African tribes refer to themselves as "motherhoods" instead of families -Between 1902 and 1907, the same tiger killed 434 people in India -The word vaccine comes from the Latin word "vacca," which means cow. This name was chosen beacause the first vaccination was derived from cowpox which was given to a boy -James Bond is also known as Mr. Kiss-Kiss-Bang-Bang -A snail can crawl across a razor blade without getting injured. This is possible because they excrete a slime that protects them -Behram, an Indian thug, holds the record for most murders by a single individual. He strangled 931 people between 1790-1840 with a piece of yellow and white cloth, called a ruhmal. The most murders by a woman are 612, by Countess Erzsebet Bathory of Hungary -Approximately 97.35618329% of all statistics are made up -The largest spider ever was the Megarachne which had a diameter of 50 cm. The fossil was found in Argentina -In Russia, when flowers are given for a romantic occasions, flowers are given in odds numbers as even number of flowers is given at funerals only -Next to man, the porpoise is the most intelligent creature on earth -The hippopotamus has the capability to remain underwater for as long as twenty-five minutes -The Australian box-jellyfish has eight eyes -In 1916, an elephant was tried and hung for murder in Erwin, Tennessee -In the UK, one third of accidental deaths that happen occur in the home -After the U.S Civil War, about 33%-50% of all U.S. paper currency in circulation was counterfeit -Tycho Brahe, a 16th century astronomer, lost his nose in a duel with one of his students over a mathematical computation. He wore a silver replacement nose for the rest of his life -Termites do more damage in the U.S. ever year than all the fires, storms and earthquakes combined. They do an average of $750 million in damage annually -Burger King restaurants serve over 400 million ounces of orange juice annually -Each year the Pentagon estimates their computer network is hacked about 250,000 times annually -The first president to ride in an airplane was Franklin Roosevelt -The only flying saucer launch pad in the world is located in St. Paul, Alberta, Canada -The sex of a baby crocodile is determined by the temperature in the nest and how deeply the eggs are buried -The coliseum in Rome was used regularly for about 400 years -Children laugh about 400 times a day, while adults laugh on average only 15 times a day -The first formal rules for playing the sport of baseball required the winning team to score 21 runs -The University of Plymouth was the first university to offer a degree in surfing -Retail sales for soft drinks in the United States in 2001 were more than sixty billion dollars -Hens will produce larger eggs as they grow older -In the United States, about 33% of land is covered by forests -Lemons contain more sugar than strawberries -Shridhar Chillal from India is known to have the record for the longest fingernails in the world, which were each at least three feet long -In 1905, Chapman and Skinner in San Francisco invented the first portable electric vacuum. -Minimum wage was 0.25 per hour when it was first enacted in 1938 -The conjunctiva is a membrane that covers the human eye -In 1785, the city of Paris removed bones from cemeteries to ease the overflow of dead people. They took these bones and stacked them in tunnels now known as the Catacombs. You can visit these tunnel attractions and work your way along long corridors, which are stacked with skulls and bones -It is estimated that over fifty-four million people died in World War II, which was the bloodiest war in history -Arabic numerals were not invented by Arabs, but were invented in India by the Hindus -The first ever "World Summit on Toilets" was held in Singapore in November 2001 -Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana -Researchers have developed odourless socks. The sock fabric is made by attaching molecules that contain chlorine called halamines to textile fibers -Alexandre Gustave Eiffel, the man who designed the Eiffel Tower, also designed the inner structure of the Statue of Liberty in New York Harbour -In the 1985 Boise, Idaho mayoral election, there were four write-in votes for Mr. Potato Head -MS-DOS was originally calle QDOS and was bought of the author by Microsoft for a small fee. The rest is history -The Roman emperor Commodus was at one time going to change the name of Rome to Colonia Commodiana -The state of Alaska has almost twice as many caribou as people -Another way to say "every 9 years" is Novennial -In the spring of 1975, a baby in Detroit fell 14 stories and landed on Joseph Figlock, who was walking below. A few years later it happened again. Figlock and both babies survived -Close to fifty percent of Internet shoppers spend over five hours a week online -Los Angeles is the most polluted city in the USA -For people that are lactose intolerant, chocolate aids in helping milk digest easier -Using recycled aluminum cans and making news cans out of them saves 75% energy compared to making it from new material. -In a year, Americans eat approximately 20 billion pickles -Althaiophobia is the fear of marshmallows -There are are roughly 100 million single adults living in the USA -In the year 2000, there were approximately 11,000 injuries that were treated in a hospital in the U.S. that resulted from fireworks -4% of an apples is made up of minerals and vitamins, and over 80% is made up of water -From all the oxygen that a human breathes, twenty percent goes to the brain -In 1902, the coat hanger was invented Albert Parkhouse who was frustrated at the lack of hooks available to hang up his coat at work. His company thought it was a good idea and patented the invention and unfortunately, Parkhouse never received any money for his idea -The longest game of Monopoly played underwater is 45 days -In WWII, when allied armies reached the Rhine River the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it). Gen. Patton had himself photographed in the act -Peaches were once known as Persian apples -Dustin Phillips of the U.S. has the record for ketchup drinking. He drank a 14-ounce bottle of tomato ketchup through a ? inch straw in 33 seconds on September 23, 1999 -Ninety-five percent of tropical fish sold in North America originate from Florida -The blackberry bush is also called the "bramble." -The city of Tokyo was originally called Edo -The sun shrinks five feet every hour -There have been 191 coops in Bolivia since it became a sovereign country in 1825 -During World War II, Kit Kat was unavailable due to milk shortages, so the chocolate bar was made without milk -The first TV commercial advertisement was by the Bulova Watch company on July 1, 1941. The watch company paid $9.00 for an announcement that was 10 seconds long -Bill Gates began programming computers at age 13 -Tobacco contains over 50 chemicals that can cause cancer -Sailors once thought that wearing a gold earring would improve their eyesight -The smallest bird in the world is the bee hummingbird. The bird is 2.24 inches long -A species of earthworm, "Megascolides australis," in Australia can grow up to fifteen feet in length -The full name of the Titanic ship is R.M.S. Titanic, which stands for Royal Mail Steamship -Electronic companies sell five times as many big-screen TVs during Super Bowl Week -A U.S. company came out with a toilet night-light that sends out a green warning beacon when the seat is up -A little under one quarter of the people in the world are vegetarians -There are approximately 1300 species of scorpion but only 25 of them are deadly -An egg shell can have up to 17,000 tiny pores on its surface -A lifespan of an eyelash is approximately 150 days -66% of home based businesses are owned by women -There are approximately 60 muscles in the face -In 1924, Kleenex tissues were originally designed as a cold cream remover -A women from Berlin Germany has had 3,110 gallstones taken out of her gall bladder -Every second, 8000 Coca-Cola Company products are consumed in the world -If all the strawberries produced in California annually were put side by side, they would wrap around the Earth fifteen times -Devon, England has about 33,000 miles of hedgerows, more hedgerows than any other country -"Bookkeeper" is the only word in English language with three consecutive double letters -An average home creates more pollution than does the average car -Four out of five brides in the U.S. have a job -75-90% of primary physician visits are due to stress -The reason why the Canadian Arctic is called the "Land of the Midnight Sun" is because during the summer many communities have light 24 hours of the day. Many people have to cover their windows with tin foil to keep the light out when they sleep -Teenage cosmetic surgeries nearly doubled in the USA between 1996 and 1998 -A rocket-like device can be traced back to Ancient Greece when a flying steam-powered pigeon was built out of wood. -The Cincinnati Reds are the oldest professional baseball team -In 1871, horse cars were introduced. It was simply a car that was pulled over a track by a horse. -High Priests in ancient Egypt were the only ones who were allowed to wear garments made from cotton -Kellogg?s started selling their most famous product, Corn Flakes, in 1906 -Chocolate was used as medicine during the 18th century. It was believed that chocolate could cure a stomach ache -Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada has the largest bar per capita than anywhere else in the world -The Eiffel Tower was the tallest structure in the world before the construction of the Empire State Building in 1930 -The first American celebration of St. Patricks Day was at Boston in 1737 -The name of the popular sports drink Gatorade was named for the University of Florida Gators where it was developed -The largest employer in Central Florida is Walt Disney World. There are approximately 50,000 people working there -In his youth, United States president George W. Bush used to play for the Midland (Texas) Central Little League. He played the position of the catcher -The number of births that occur in India each year is higher than the entire population of Australia -Bobby Carpenter was the first American player to score 50 goals in a season -The word, tattoo originated from the Tahitain word "tattau" which means "to mark." -There was no punctuation until the 15th century -All babies are colour blind when they are born -Rocky Mountain spotted fever is a disease caused by ticks -There are approximately 9,000 taste buds on the tongue -A fetus starts to develop fingerprints at the age of eight weeks -The reason why your nose gets runny when you are crying is because the tears from the eyes drain into the nose -Gorillas can catch human colds and other illnesses -On October 15, 1794, the first silver dollar coins were released to be circulated to the public -In one day, the Tootsie Roll Industry makes over 16 million lollipops -In many of the milk ads that are shown, a mix of thinner and white paint is used instead of milk -Baskin Robbins once made ketchup ice cream. This was the only vegetable flavoured ice cream produced. However, they discontinued it since they thought it would not sell well -The strike note of the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is e-flat -A Connecticut Toy maker, Herobuilders, sells action figures of President George W. Bush, Islamic militant Osama bin Laden, New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani and British Prime Minister Tony Blair, which are all major figures tied to the September 11, 2001 WTC attacks -Majority of brides plan their wedding for approximately 7 to 12 months -Benjamin Franklin invented the rocking chair. -Persia changed its name to Iran in 1935 -In the wild, the poinsettia flower can reach a height of 12 feet, and have leaves that are eight inches across. -Construction workers hard hats were first invented and used in the building of the Hoover Dam in 1933. -A study indicates that smokers are likely to die on average six and a half years earlier than non-smokers -Bill Gates donated close to $100 million to fight AIDS in India. As a percent of his total wealth, this would be comparable to him donating ten cents if he only had $60 -In 1999, a three headed turtle was discovered by Lin Chi-Fa in his pond in Southern Taiwan -Approximately one out of every 55 women from Canada give birth in their car on the way to the hospital or clinic -The first United States president to visit China was Richard Nixon -The most popular show amongst baby boomers is Star Trek. -The first jet engine was invented by Frank Whittleof of England in 1930. -In a day, an elephant can drink 80 gallons of water -In 1948 and 1950 the oldest ears of popping corn were discovered. They were located in the Bat Cave of west central New Mexico. They ranged in size from smaller than a penny to approximately two inches, and were about 4,000 years old -It cost the soft drink industry $100 million a year for thefts committed involving vending machines -Watermelon is considered a good gift to give a host in Japan and China -The planet Venus spins opposite to the other planets in the solar system -During a typical human life span, the human heart will beat approximately 2.5 billion times -Frog-eating bats identify edible frogs from poisonous ones by listening to the mating calls of male frogs. Frogs counter this by hiding and using short, difficult to locate calls -Dieting can cause bad breath since less saliva is produced which leads to dry mouth -At lift off, US space shuttles weight about 4.5 million pounds. -When an orange is shown in any of the "Godfather" movies, this means that someone is about to die or a close call is to occur. -Doctors in Canada use an adhesive similar to Krazy Glue instead of stitches, lowering the possibility of bacterial infection and minimizing scarring -Soil that is heated by geysers are now making it possible to produce bananas in Iceland -Chameleon is derived from the Greek, meaning "little lion." -The name Aspirin was invented from "A" in acetyl chloride. The "spir" comes from spiraea ulmaria which is the plant that they got the salicylic acid from, and the "in" was used because back then it was popular to end the name of medicines with "in." -About 30% of Canadians rely on getting their water from the ground for their domestic use -The eye of a human can distinguish 500 shades of the gray -Most heart attacks occur between the hours of 8 and 9 am -No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses -Gloucestershire airport in England used to blast Tina Turner songs on its runways to scare birds away -The first German car to be built solely outside of Germany is the BMW Z3. -In China, fish is eaten more than three times what it is in the United States -The United Parcel Service shipped the killer whale Keiko (star of Disney movie "Free Willy") from Mexico City to Newport, Oregon in 1998 -Hippos can live up to 40 years in the wild -The windiest place in the world is Mount Washington, New Hampshire, USA. The highest wind was on April 12, 1934 when it reached 231 mph. -The first restaurant to open in Hollywood was the Musso & Frank Grill in 1919 -Corn Flakes were invented after Will Keith Kellogg and his brother Dr. John Harvey Kellogg set about developing a nutritious cereal for the patients of a health resort in 1890 -The three wealthiest families in the world have more assets than the combined wealth of the forty-eight poorest nations -Huge Moore, the inventor of Dixie cups got the idea for the name from a neighboring factory, the Dixie Doll Company -The turkey was once nominated to be the official bird of the United States -In 1958 the United States sent three mice into space named, Mia, Laska and Benji -On average, Americans spend five times more of their time in their cars than they do on vacation -Natural gas does not have any odor. In order to detect a gas leak, some gas companies add a chemical that smells similar like rotten eggs. -Spiders have claws at the ends of their legs -Warner Brothers Corset Company created the bra cup sizing system, which is now used universally used by manufacturers -In the U.S. 7 out of 10 homes use candles -Daytime dramas are called Soap Operas because they were originally used to advertise soap powder. In America in the early days of TV, advertisers would write stories around the use of their soap powder -It takes approximately 12 years for Jupiter to orbit the sun -98% of houses in the United States have at least one television set -Reserves from the Irish army were used as extras in the movie "Braveheart." -80% of people that are on weight loss programs exercise on average three times a week -The first Valentine candy box was invented by Richard Cadbury in the 1800's. -An olive tree can live up to 1500 years -96% of people put the peanut butter on first when making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich -Scientists have actually performed brain surgery on cockroaches -By donating just one pint of blood, four lives can be saved -The biggest hamburger that was served was 8,266 pounds. It was made at the Burger Fest in Seymour, Wisconsin -Pilgrims did not eat potatoes for Thanksgiving as they thought they were poisonous -On average, a hen lays 300 eggs per year -BluBlocker sunglasses were developed with lenses that were used in the NASA space program for American astronauts -There are an estimated 2,500 collisions between birds and planes each year in the US -Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton -A chicken is 75% water -During his lifetime, artist Vincent Van Gogh only sold one of his paintings (The Red Vineyard) -Coffee has about five times the amount of caffeine as a can of Coke -It takes the Hubble telescope about 97 minutes to complete an orbit of the Earth. On average, the Hubble uses the equivilent amount of energy as 30 household lightbulbs to complete an orbit. -Approximately 850 peanuts make a 18 oz jar of peanut butter -The age of a saguaro cactus is calculated by its height -The most expensive animated movie is "Prince of Egypt", which cost $70 million to make -The oldest roller coaster in the world is the Leap-The-Dips roller coaster located in Lakemont Park in Pennsylvania. The roller coaster was built in 1902 -There are three golf balls sitting on the moon -The name Santa Claus came from Saint Nicholas who was a bishop in the town of Myra, and was known to be very nice to children -Microsoft made $16,005 in revenue in its first year of operation -At the 1960 Winter Olympic Games, Walt Disney was head of the committee that organized the opening day ceremonies -No other animal gives us more by-products than the hog. These by-products include pig suede, buttons, glass, paint brushes, crayons, chalk, and insulation to name a few -The ruby red slippers in the movie "The Wizard of Oz" were sold off at an auction for $660,000 -40 percent of the almonds in the world are used by manufacturers of chocolate -Olives, which grow on trees, were first cultivated 5,000 years ago in Syria -A person infected with the SARS virus, has a 95-98% chance of recovery -When explorers first arrived in Venezuela, they were reminded of Venice. They named the country "Little Venice", which translated into Spanish is Venezuela -Between 12%-15% of the population is left-handed -When a polar bear cub is born, it can not see or hear. It takes approximately a month for the cub to start to see and hear -Girls have more tastebud than boys -Dandelion root can be roasted and ground as a coffee substitute -Platypuses mate in the water -Julie Nixon, daughter of Richard Nixon married David Eisenhower, grandson of Dwight Eisenhower -A flea can jump 150 times its size. That is the same as a person able to jump up 1,000 feet in the air -Morihei Ueshiba, founder of Aikido, once pinned an opponent using only a single finger -The game of squash originated in the United Kingdom. It came about after a few boys, who were waiting for their turn to play racquets, knocked a ball around in a confined area adjoining the racquets court -New Jersey has a spoon museum that has over 5,400 spoons from across the world -Hydrogen is the most common atom in the universe -There is a town named Dildo in the province of Newfoundland, Canada -The postage rate for a letter in 1693 was determined through how much light could pass through the letter. The postage rate would be more expensive if less light went through, and this process was called candling -The Sears Tower located in Chicago, Illinois is made up 76,000 tons of steel -There are more recreational golfers per capita in Canada than any other country in the world -The largest bill U.S. bill made is for $100,000 -Playwright Shakespeare was only 18 years old when he married Ann Hathaway, who was 26 years old at the time -Wherever a person is standing in the state of Michigan in the United States, they are within 85 miles of one of the Great Lakes -It only takes a male horse 14 seconds to copulate -The driest place on earth is Calama, in the Atacama Desert in Chile -After being picked an orange cannot ripen -The stomach of an adult can hold 1.5 liters of material -On average, a whole chicken from the grocery store weighs 3 pounds 12 ounces -A galactic year is 250 million Earth-years. This is the time it takes for our solar system to make one revolution around the Milky Way Galaxy. -Singer Paula Abdul used to be a cheerleader for the Los Angeles Lakers -Water expands 9% when it is frozen -The origin of apples traces back to the Middle East over 4,000 years ago -The colours yellow, red, and orange are used in fast food restaraunts because those are the colours that stimulate hunger -99% of pumpkins that are sold are sold for decoration -On Sunday, December 7, 1941 at 7:55 AM, the attack on Pearl Harbor commenced -If all the cars from the U.S. were taken and lined up from bumper to bumper, there would be enough cars to go to the moon from earth and back. -The elephant is the national animal of Thailand -A Canadian Tour company offers a two-day course in igloo building -When the Pez mint dispenser was first introduced it was meant to replace the activity of smoking -Gardening is said to be one of the best exercises for maintaining healthy bones -The speed of sound must be exceeded to produce a sonic boom. -Over 600,000 people died as a result of the Spanish influenza epidemic -From all the vegetables, beets contain the most sugar -Smelling bananas can help a person lose weight -In Miami, Florida, roosting vultures have taken to snatching poodles from rooftop patios -Only female mosquitoes bite humans. Male mosquitoes live on natural liquids from plants and other resources -An estimated 690 million people live in Africa -The difference between horns and antlers is that horns never stop growing and antlers shed and grow every year -African Baobab tree's circumference can reach 180 feet. If the trunk is hollow, 20 people would be able to fit inside of it. -On average, the Pentagon uses 666 rolls of toilet paper in one day -The USS Abraham Lincoln has five gymnasiums on the ship and a basketball league with 22 teams -Found in Argentina, the ornate horned frog can eat an entire mouse with one swallow -Great Britain was the first country to issue postage stamps in 1840 -During World War II, there was not enough sugar in the U.S. to make candy as it was sent to the troops overseas. At this time, popcorn was consumed three times more than its usual amount -The most famous movie theatre is the "Chinese Theatre" located in Los Angeles, USA -In the U.S., the sport that causes the most injuries among the age group of 15-24 is basketball -Oscar Wilde and his friends came up the with the word "dude." It came from the words "duds" and "attitude." -By weight, the sun is 70% hydrogen, 28% helium, 1.5% carbon, nitrogen, and oxygen, and 0.5% all other elements. -Melba toast is named after an Australian opera singer Dame Nellie Melba -Astronomers once believed a planet named Vulcan existed between Mercury and the Sun -Talc was used by cavemen 15,000 years ago as an ingredient added to make paint -Ants do not sleep -The only married couple to fly together in space were Jan Davis and Mark Lee, who flew aboard the Endeavor space shuttle from Sept 12-20, 1992 -Valentina Tereshkova was the first woman to enter space. She spent three days in space and completed forty-eight orbits of Earth -More than 3000 years ago children played with circular hoops made with grape vines. This toy was swung around the waist. Years later this toy was made by company called Wham-O and the Hula-Hoop was invented in 1958 -Owls swallow their prey whole because they have no teeth. After approximately 12 hours they cough up the feathers, bones, and fur in a shape of a football pellet -Sharks have survived on earth for about 400 million years -Ukrainian monk, Dionysius Exiguus, created the modern day Christian calendar -The revenue that is generated from gambling is more than the revenue that comes from movies, cruise ships, recorded music, theme parks, and spectator sports combined -Every 30 seconds a house fire doubles in size -An alligator has about 80 teeth in its mouth at one time. An alligator can go through 3,000 teeth in a lifetime -The story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was written in 1939 for a store promotion by an advertising employee of the department store Montgomery Ward -Actor Charlie Chaplin made 81 movies over a career that spanned 50 years -The music group Simply Red got its name from band member Mick Hucknall, who has red hair -Every three minutes a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer -The lifespan of a rhinoceros is generally 50 years -41% of women apply body or hand moisturizer a minimum three times a day -The largest ice cream sundae was made with 4,667 gallons of ice cream, was 12 feet high and had 7000 pounds of toppings on it. This was made in Anaheim, California in 1985 -The name of the award given to honor the best sites on the Internet is called "The Webby Award." -The United States Mint once considered producing donut-shaped coins. -A Hungarian named Ladislo Biro invented the first ballpoint pen in 1938. -Many years ago, a fish was caught that was 33 inches long and seemed to be heavier than it should. When they cut the fish, fishermen found a full of bottle of ale inside it -George Washington grew hemp in his garden -In New York City, approximately 1,600 people are bitten by other humans annually -In 1980, Saddam Hussein received a key to the city of Detroit -The song "Strawberry Fields Forever" sung by the Beatles refers to an orphanage located in Liverpool -False Bay, on the southern tip of Africa and close to Cape Town, South Africa, is a breeding ground for great white sharks, which feed off the thousands of seals in the bay. However, it is the only area in the known world in which these sharks are known to breach - they attack the seals by coming up vertically, often leaping clear of the water with their prey in their mouths -In 1952, the first TV toy commercial aired. It was for Mr. Potato Head -In the United States, approximately seven billion pounds of chocolate and candy are manufactured each year -Mules have one horse and one donkey for a parent -On average, 350 squirts are needed from milking a cow to make a gallon of milk -On average, a baby in the United States will eat fifteen pounds of cereal in their first year of life -The name Hasbro was invented by the name of the founders: HASsenfeld BROthers -Due to sugar shortages to make candy during World War II, movie theatre owners turned to popcorn, which is now the best selling snack at movie theatres today -A group of whales is called a pod or gam -Even though a polar bears fur looks white it is actually colourless and is made with hollow tubes. The reason the bear looks white is because the rough inner surface of the tubes make light scatter and reflect at many different angles which gives the white appearance -There is a type of coffin made that can be used as a wine rack or picnic table before its final use -One gallon of used motor oil can ruin approximately one million gallons of fresh water -After the Eiffel Tower was built, one person was killed during the installation of the lifts. No one was killed during the actual construction of the tower -Approximately 87% of dog owners say that when they watch T.V. their dog curls up beside them or at their feet -Bernd Eilts, a German artist, turns dried cow manure into wall clocks and small sculptures. He is now expanding his business to include cow dung wrist watches -People who meet their calcium need reduce their risk of developing kidney stones -The human heart weighs less than a pound -The first Life Saver flavour, which was peppermint, was invented in 1912 and it was called Pep-O-Mint -The average life span of a peasant during the medieval ages was 25 years -Before 1859, baseball umpires were seated in padded chairs behind home plate -On February 10, 1964 the first self-adhesive stamps were issued -The ocean sunfish can produce thirty million eggs at once -The highest point in France is Mont Blanc, located in the Alps. -The American Automobile association was formed in 1905 for the sole purpose of warning motorists of police speed traps -In England, a cigarette is referred to as a fag -Moscow was founded in 1147 by Yury Dolgoruky -In 1976, fourteen banks merged to form a bank credit card called "Mastercharge." This was later renamed to what is now know as "Mastercard." -There are over 500 different types of bananas -In 1848, the first American pasta factory opened in Brooklyn, New York. The name of the man that opened it was Antoine Zerega -Albert Einstein was cremated and his ashes were spread over a river located in New Jersey -Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does -The longest acceptance speech in the history of the Oscars was by Greer Garson in 1942. She received an Oscar for Best Actress for the movie Mrs. Miniver, and her speech was five minutes and 30 seconds long -Octopi change colours when they become frightened. Normally they are a brownish colour, but can change to green or blue when fear sets in -A "gelotologist" is a person who studies laughter -A 13-year-old boy in India produced winged beetles in his urine after hatching the eggs in his body -Fat is important for the development of children and normal growth -The state of California has more 7-Eleven stores than any other state. There are approximately 1,200 stores -The deepest underwater penguin dive is 1,772 feet by an Emperor Penguin -38% of Americans eat breakfast everyday -There are over 100 styles of BluBlocker sunglasses available on the market -When a predator is chasing an impala, a type of antelope, it runs in a zig zag formation jumping as high as three metres -David Rice Atchinson was President of the United States for exactly one day. This happened due to a glitch in American law at the time. new -To make one glass of orange juice, 50 glasses of water are needed to grow enough oranges to make the juice -Tomatina is the legendary Spanish tomato-throwing festival held in Bunol, Spain -Pigs have no sweat glands, which is why they stay in water or mud to keep cool -There is no element on Mendeleev's (the current) periodic table of elements abbreviated, either partially, or fully, with the letter J. -One of the Bond girls in the James Bond movie, "For Your Eyes Only," used to be a man -In February 1878, the first telephone book was published in New Haven, Connecticut. The book was one page long and had fifty names in it. -Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage" -Roman emperors ate flamingo tongues which were considered a delicacy. Also parrotfish livers, and pheasant brains were feasted on -In 2002, the most popular car color in North America was silver. -Forty percent of Americans iron their clothes while wearing their underwear or being completely naked -About 85% or product warning labels on household products are inadequate -The largest volcano known is on Mars: Olympus Mons, 370 miles wide and 79,000 feet high, is almost three times higher than Mount Everest -Mexican jumping beans jump because of moth larvae inside the bean -There are 691 drinking fountains in the Pentagon -Author Robert May considered the names of Reginald and Rollo before he settled on "Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer." -A study concludes that kids who snore do poorly in school -Chocolate maker Cadbury uses more than sixty thousand tonnes of cocoa each year, in the United Kingdom alone -There are more pigs than humans in Denmark -A human eyeball weighs an ounce -The "Mexican Hat Dance" is the official dance of Mexico -The first open heart surgery was performed by Dr. Daniel Hall Williams in 1893 -The DNA of humans is closer to a rat than a cat -Peladophobia refers to the fear of bald people -One Neptune year lasts 165 Earth years -In the U.S., 75% of the pencils sold are painted yellow -A person that is struck by lightning has a greater chance of developing motor neurone disease -In Canada, the $1 and $2 come in the form of coins. The $1 is nicknamed a "loonie" because it contains a loon on it and the $2 is nicknamed the "twonie" because it is the equivalent of two "loonies." -Singer Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem -On average a business document is copied 19 times -Pigeons can see ultraviolet lights -The list of ingredients that make up lipstick include fish scales -An average person consumes the equivalent of 26 gallons of milk a year, including almost 28 pounds of cheese -65% of the candy that is produced in an year is consumed by American adults 18 years and older -The little circles of paper that are cut out after a paper has been punched by a hole puncher are called "chad." -Teflon is the most slipperiest substance in the world -The lifespan of a firefly is about seven days. During these days, they are busy trying to find a mate -A crocodile can run up to a speed of 11 miles per hour -Fried spiders taste like nuts -In one day, adult lungs move about 10,000 litres of air -Cows do not have any upper front teeth. Instead they have a thick pad on the top jaw -On average, Americans move to a new place eleven times in their lifetime -Energy is being wasted if a toaster is left plugged in after use -The Golden Gate Bridge was first opened in 1937 -In an episode of the 1962 cartoon The Jestons, Jane Jetson is talking through a video phone. The phone number of The Jetsons was VENUS-1234 -Trees that are near street lights do not shed their leaves as fast as a tree that is in the country -No president of the United States was an only child -7-Eleven is the largest retail chain in the world. Click Here For More Details -A Singapore singing group by the name of "The Oriental Singers," sang non-stop for 74 hours and five minutes -Every 25 miles a car produces one pound of pollution. -There was a molasses flood in Boston on January 15, 1919 that killed 21 people and injured 150 people -There are over one billion people that are actively involved in rice growth -On April 4, 1974, John Massis of Belgium pulled two New York Long Island railroad passenger cars totaling 80 tons with a thick rope, with a small bit attached, using only his teeth -The oldest major soft drink in America is Dr. Pepper, which originated in Waco, Texas in 1885 -Hockey pucks were originally made from frozen cow dung -In L.A., U.S.A., a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than 2 inches wide -The Arctic Tern, which is a small bird, can fly a round trip from the Arctic to the Antarctic and back. This can be as long as twenty thousand miles per year. This is the longest migration for a bird -The word "America" comes from the European explorer "Amerigo Vespucci -Over 100 million birds die annually by crashing into glass windows in the United States -In 1933, Mickey Mouse is believed to have received 800,000 fan letters -Male rabbits are called "bucks," females are "does." -It took eleven years to built the Taj Mahal, (1632-1643) -Mangos are known throughout the world as the "King of Fruits." -The temperature of milk when it is coming out of a cow is about 36 degrees celsius -Wild Flamingos are pink because they consume vast quantities of algae and brine shrimp -The word "diastema" is the word for having a gap between your teeth -While digging, an Armadillo can hold its breath for up to six minutes -Of all the restaurants that are opened, 90% of them fail in the first year. Of the remaining ones that survive, 90% of those fail in the second year -The sun is approximately 75% hydrogen, 25% helium by mass -When a porcupine is born, its quills are soft and mostly white, but harden within hours -Since 1978, at least 37 people have died as a result of shaking vending machines, in an attempt to get free merchandise. More than 100 people have been injured -The first drug to be sold in the form of a tablet is Aspirin -Great White sharks have about 3,000 teeth -Former U.S. President Franklin Pierce was arrested during his term as President for running over an old lady with his horse, but the charges were later dropped -The world record for time without sleep is 264 hours (11 days) by Randy Gardner in 1965 -The giant squid is the largest animal without a backbone -There is enough water in American swimming pools to cover the whole city of San Francisco seven feet deep -215 jeans can be made with one bale of cotton -Pineapples were first introduced into Europe by Christopher Columbus -When a women is pregnant, her senses are all heightened -The Food and Drug Administration says the most common injury from cosmetics comes from scratching the eye with a mascara wand -It has been medically been proven that laughter is an effective pain killer -Cataloupes are named after the gardens of Cantaloupe, Italy where some belive this melon was first grown -In the 13th century, quality standards for paste were assigned by the Pope -In a year, the average person walks four miles to make his or her bed -The first television broadcast of the Oscars took place in 1953, hosted by Bob Hope on NBC -Most snakes have six rows of teeth -NASDAQ stand for, "National Association of Securities Dealers Automated Quotations." -An average women has 17 square feet of skin. When a women is in her ninth month of pregnancy she has 18.5 square feet of skin -The average American eats 35,000 cookies in his/her lifetime -The greatest snowfall ever in a single storm was 189 inches at the Mount Shasta Ski Bowl in February, 1959. -French astronomer Adrien Auzout had once considered building a telescope that was 1,000 feet long in the 1600s. He thought the magnification would be so great, he would see animals on the moon -The first email was sent out by Ray Tomlinson in 1971 -The city of Chicago has the only post office in the world where you can drive your car through -The most overdue book in the world was borrowed from Sidney Sussex College in Cambridge, England and was returned 288 years later -There are about 34,000 species of spiders -In 1968, Abbie Hoffman played with a yo-yo while testifying before a congressional committee. He was found in contempt -The biggest candy eaters are the Dutch, who average 65 pounds of candy per person in a year -55,700 people in the US are injured by jewelry each year -American President Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929) used to like Vaseline being rubbed on his head while he ate breakfast in bed -In 1657, the first chocolate house was opened in London, England -The Xerox company was initially called the Haloid Company -On average, Americans spend 33% of their life sleeping -One out of every five births in the United States are delivered by Cesarean section -Studies indicate that surgeons who listen to music while they operate improve in their performance -Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark -Thailand used to be called Siam -A sneeze can travel as fast as one hundred miles per hour -The Pentagon cost $49,600,000 to build in 1941 -Desert snails can stay in their shell for up to three years -The revolving door was invented in 1888, by Theophilus Van Kannel. -The Lion King is the top grossing Disney movie of all-time with domestic gross intake of $312 million -The state that grows the most cranberries is Wisconsin. More than 300 million pounds of cranberries are grown in Wisconsin -The smallest frog is the "Brazilian baby frog", which is smaller than a dime -The idea of Christmas cards was invented by Englishman Henry Cole in 1843 -Air is passed through the nose at a speed of 100 miles per hour when a person sneezes -Britons eat over 22,000 tonnes of french fries a week -People from the United States eat the most chicken per person than anywhere else in the world -Sanskrit is considered as the mother of all higher languages. This is because it is the most precise, and therefore suitable language for computer software -The origins of the soldier term "G.I." is an abbreviation for "Government Issue," which was stamped on all government kits supplied to recruits in the US Army during World War II -Watermelons are a popular gift to bring to a host in China or Japan -Beethoven used to take hay baths to remedy the swelling he used to get in his legs -On average Americans spend 18% of their income on transportation -Of all the words Dr. Seuss made up in his storybooks, only one has stuck in the English vocabulary: grinch, which is refers to a killjoy -- and it took more than 20 years -Montreal has an underground city, which has over 2,000 shops and 26 kilometres of walkways. This is the largest underground network for any city -The official state mammal of Texas is the armadillo -The word Himalayas means the "home of snow." -A man filed a lawsuit against his doctor because he survived longer than what the doctor had predicted -It took approximately 2.5 million blocks to build the Pyramid of Giza, which is one of the Great Pyramids -The platypus uses its bill to find animals that it feeds on. Its bill can sense the tiny electric fields that their preys emit -Central Park located in New York has 125 drinking fountains -The largest school in the world is City Montessori School in India and has over 25,000 students in grade levels ranging from kindergarten to college -Washing machines use anywhere from 40 to 200 litres of water per load -Australia has had stamps that actually look like gems. In 1995 and 1996 they used a special technology to make the stamps look like diamonds and opals. -There are only four words in the English language which end in -In only eight minutes, the Space Shuttle can accelerate to a speed of 27,000 kilometres per hour. -In a study conducted regarding toilet paper usage, Americans are said to use the most toilet paper per trip to the bathroom, which was seven sheets of toilet paper per trip -German cockroaches can survive for up to one month without food and two weeks without water -George Washington had teeth made out of hippopotamus ivory -The amount of aluminum that Americans throw out in three months is enough to rebuild all American commercial planes -Humans breathe in and out approximately one litre of air in ten seconds -British scientists have found evidence that heart attacks increase significantly for people who watch soccer penalty shoot-outs -Fine-grained volcanic ash can be found as an ingredient in some toothpaste -The most disliked vegetable by Americans is Brussels sprouts -The first ice hotel was built in Swedish Lapland -A myrmecologist studies ants -Rice is thrown at weddings as a symbol of fertility -More than 90% of shark attack victims survive -The average temperature on Earth is 15 degrees celcius. -To produce a dozen eggs, a hen has to eat about four pounds of feed -Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets -When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was "Bite the wax tadpole". It did not sell well -In the United States, 80% of households have oatmeal in their kitchen -A cockroach can change directions up to 25 times in a second -In 1825, the first toilet was installed in the White House -Cricket chirping can tell the temperature outside. Counting how many times a cricket chirps in 15 seconds and then adding 40 to that number will approximately tell you what the temperature is in Fahrenheit -Every year, 50,000,000 automobiles are produced in the world. -Pikeville, Kentucky consumes the most Pepsi per capita then any other American city -After the death of the genius, Albert Einstein, his brain was removed by a pathologist and put in a jar for future study -Cubic Zirconia is 55% heavier than real diamonds. -The fastest speed a raindrop had reached when falling is seven miles per hour. -Battle Creek, Michigan is referred to as the "Cereal Bowl of America." The city produces the most breakfast cereals than any other city in the world -The stringy thing that is seen in egg whites is called "chalazae." -The city of Argentia which is located on Newfoundland's southwest coast, is Canada's most fog-bound community. It has 206 days of fog each year. -Seven percent of a humans body wieght is made up of blood -Most snails are hermaphrodites, meaning they have both female and male reproductive organs -Dogs can be trained to detect an upcoming epileptic seizure -American women, on average, spend 55 minutes per day getting showered, dressed, and groomed -Germany produces more than 5,000 varieties of beer and has about 1,300 breweries in country -In some parts of the Atacama Desert it has never rained -In 1681, the last dodo bird died -Strawberries are a member of the rose family -It is common in Israel and Egypt to eat watermelon with feta cheese -The most popular recipient of Valentine cards are school teachers -The average stay for a prisoner on Alcatraz, when it was used as a prison, was five years -Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy -About twenty-five percent of the population sneeze when they are exposed to light -In Japan, tipping at restaurants is not a norm. However, some restaurants might add a 5 - 10 % service charge to the bill -The first automobile racetrack in America was the 'Indianapolis Motor Speedway,' which had 3 million cobblestones. -A cow has four compartments in its stomach -The most popular place to burn candles in the house is the living room -In Japan, by the time man reaches the age of 60, he is commemorated with a special ceremony. This ceremony features the man wearing a red kimono, which denotes that he no longer has the responsibilities of being a mature adult -The all-time most nominated Grammy artist with 77 nominations is Quincy Jones -In 1845, inventor Thomas Adams started the world's first chewing gum factory. -In 1693, the postage rate of a letter was determined by how much light went through the letter. The less the light went through the letter the more expensive the rate would be. This technique was referred to as candling -Polar bears have been known to swim more than 60 miles without resting -Before 1883, the three-cent U.S. stamp was also used for advertising. The advertisment was located on the back of the stamp for various products -The largest ketchup bottle in the world is a 170 feet tall and is located in Collinsville, Illinois, USA. It was built in 1949 by the W.E. Caldwell Company as a water tower -Bo Jackson set a Monday Night Football record by rushing for 222 yards in one game against the Seattle Seahawks, including a 91-yard TD run -There are approximately 75,000,000 horses in the world -The fins of the Spiny Dogfish Shark are sometimes used as sandpaper for wood products -The Super Bowl is so popular that it is the number on at-home party event of the year -There was a time in Japan where a wife being left handed was a ground for divorce -The United States produces enough plastic film annually to cover the entire state of Texas -It is possible to get high by licking a toad. The Cane Toad produces a toxin called bufotenine to ward off predators. When licked, this toxin acts as a hallucinogen -Stinging insects kills approximately 25 people annually in the U.S -The first commercial microwave oven was called the "1161 Radarange" and was the size of a refrigerator -Chances of a women getting breast cancer are increased by excesseive use of alcohol -A common name for pincurls is also spitcurls because woman sometimes wet their hair with their saliva before curling it -The first hot air balloon flight traveled for 5.5 miles over Paris and lasted for 23 minutes -Birds do not sweat, as they do not have sweat glands -Former U.S. President Ronald Reagan once wore a Nazi uniform while acting in a film during his Hollywood days. The name of the movie was "Desperate Journey," which was filmed in 1942 -The town of Olney, Illinois celebrates a "Squirrel Day" festival to honour the 200 albino squirrels that live in the town. The festival includes a squirrel blessing by a priest -In the United States there are about three million honey producing colonies -Adult earwigs can float in water for up to 24 hours -January is named for the Roman god Janus. Janus was a temple god who could look forward and backward at the same time -Pepper was sold as individual grains during the Elizabethan times. The guards at the London docks had to sew up their pockets so they would not steal any of the pepper -On average, the life span of an American dollar bill is eighteen months -A diet high in fat is said to impede memory -There are more than 1,000 chemicals in a cup of coffee. Of these, only 26 have been tested, and half-caused cancer in rats -The heart of an adult giraffe weighs on average 26 pounds -Two million red blood cells die every second -The first American astronaut in space was Alan B. Shepard Jr -The world record for donut eating is held by John Haight, who ate 29 donuts (52 ounces) in a little over six minutes -Hundreds of years ago, only the wealthy people used to wear underwear -Buffalo wings, got their name because the spicy chicken wings originated in Buffalo, New York -The board game Scrabble was originally called "Criss Cross Words" by inventor Alfred Butts -Men are more likely to be colorblind than women. About one of out of 12 men are colorblind -Edwin Armstrong invented FM radio in 1933. The first men to use FM radio to communicate with Earth from the moon's surface were named Edwin Aldrin and Neil Armstrong. -The MGM lion, whose name was Leo, lived in Memphis until his death -The Bible was written by over 40 authors over a period of 1500 years -The range of a medieval long-bow is 220 yards -Studies indicate that weightlifters working out in blue gyms can handle heavier weights -African heart-nosed bats can have such a keen sense of sound that they can hear the footsteps of a beetle walking on sand from six feet away -Many of the stars that were in the Poltergeist Trilogy had strange deaths -The sap of a banana plant leaves serious stains on hands and clothes that is extremely hard to remove -In Ireland, a prime minister is a called a Taoiseach -American President John Tyler had 15 children -Even though red roses looks the same, there are over 900 different types of red roses -People in France own more pets in the world per person than any other country -In a five card poker game there are 2,598,960 possible hands -The most common pear world-wide is the Bartlett. It is bell-shaped, sweet and soft with a light green colour -Annually, British people eat more than 15 pounds of beans -The largest known hailstone to have fallen was in Germany in 1925, which weighed close to four and a half pounds. -The Kraft company produces enough Cool Whip, a brand of whipping cream, in one year to fill the entire Grand Canyon -Karate actually originated in India, but was developed further in China -A seagull can drink salt water because it has special glands that filter out the salt -95% of the entire lemon crop produced in the U.S. is from California and Arizona -There are more than 3000 documented caves located in the state of Tennessee -Soy crayons have been invented to replace wax crayons and one acre of soybeans can produce over 80,000 crayons -People drank gold powder mixed in with water in medieval Europe to relieve pain from sore limbs -Basketball great Wilt Chamberlain never fouled out of a game -A ear trumpet was used before the hearing aid was invented by people who had difficulty hearing -In 1982, a cactus in Phoenix, Arizona killed a man. David Grundman fired two shotgun blasts at a giant saguaro cactus that ended up falling on top of him -The most popular American city for Kool-Aid sales is St. Louis, Missouri -A human embryo is smaller than a grain of rice at four weeks old -In 1923, the first neon sign was introduced in the U.S. Two neon signs were sold to a Packard car dealership for $24,000 which read, "Packard." -Silk was developed in China were it was kept a secret for more than two thousands years. Anyone found trying to smuggle silkworm eggs or cocoons out of the country was immediately put to death -Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been mixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since -Sir John Harington, the godson of Queen Elizabeth I, was the inventor of the toilet -The Popsicle was invented by 11 year-old Frank Epperson in 1905. He left his drink outside with a stir stick in it and he noticed that it had frozen. He applied for a patent in 1923 and named it "Epsicle." The name was later changed to Popsicle -In the U.S., approximately 46% of the chicken that is eaten by people comes from restaurants or other food outlets -One pound of maple syrup can make eight pounds of candy or sugar -Uranus is the only planet that rotates on its side -The peanut is not a nut, it is actually a legume -Approximately 71% of American chocolate eaters prefer to eat milk chocolate -A colony of bees have to fly almost fifty-five thousand miles and tap two million flowers to make one pound of honey -Popped popcorn should be stored in the freezer or refrigerator as this way it can stay crunchy for up to three weeks -The first fruit eaten on the moon was a peach -The name "Lego" came from the Danish word LEg Godt, which means "play well." -Female and male black bears cannot tolerate being around each other except when they breed -In 1998, Ten Speed Press publishing company published a book, "The Eat A Bug Cookbook" by David George Gordon that contains over 33 bug recipes -Twelve men have landed on and explored the moon -The football team Green Bay Packers comes from a meat packing company called Acme Packing -Unlike a frog a toad cannot jump -The average weight of a newborn baby is 7 lbs. 6 oz. For a triplet baby it is 3 lbs. 12 oz -Baseball was the first sport to be pictured on the cover of Sports Illustrated -A group of tigers is called a streak -Hippos drink as much as 250 litres of water in any given 24 hour period -The Beatles have sold more records than anyone else with over a billion worldwide -After the "Popeye" comic strip was launched in 1931, spinach consumption went up by thirty-three percent in the United States -The largest type of penguin is the Emperor Penguin which can stand to be almost 3.5 feet tall and weigh more than 90 pounds -Over 175 million cubic yards of earth was removed for the creation of the Panama Canal -7-Eleven was the first convenience store to have television advertising. The animated commercial ran in 1949 and had a singing rooster and owl -A honey bee strokes its wings about 11,500 times a minute -On average men spend 51 minutes a day grooming themselves -Sharks are so powerful that their bite can generate a force of up to 18 tons per square inch -The designated instrument for the city of Detroit is the accordion -Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World: 70% -On average, Americans spend $1300 on utility bills annually -The New York Stock Exchange started out as a coffee house -There are approximately 2,700 different species of mosquitoes -Colonel Sanders original white suit was auctioned off for $80,000 in February 2002 -EPCOT stands for "Experimental Prototype City Of Tomorrow." -The reason why tattoos do not vanish even though we shed our skin is because the dye is injected deeper into the dermis part of the skin. It is only the epidermis that we shed -Over 170,000 Indians from 210 tribes live in the Brazilian Amazon Rainforest -Cashew nuts contain oil in the shell that is very irritating to the skin -A caterpillar grows roughly 27,000 times its size when it first emerges as an egg -Lightning strikes the Empire States Building about seven times a year -Snake venom is ninety percent protein -More than three thousand people work on research in Antarctica each year -The first product that the toy company Mattel came out with was picture frames -Scientists have discovered a way to make biodegradable plastic from plants by using genetic engineering. -The Earth orbits the Sun at a speed of about 108,000 km per hour -In 1897, Bayer, who is the makers of Aspirin, once marketed the drug heroin -In Australia, a common "Boxing day" activity is surfing -In 1986, a drunk fan got into a pace car at Talladega Superspeedway, and started joyriding on the track in front of a nationwide audience. The police cruisers who had to chase him around the track were not amused when they caught and arrested him -Mary Hart, the co-anchor of Entertainment Tonight, has each of her legs insured for one million dollars -The two top toys in 1950 were Silly Putty which sold for $1, and Crayola crayons which sold for 50 cents -The King Cobra has enough venom in its bite that it can kill up to 13 adults -Earl Dean developed the bottle design for Coca-Cola -The word "super" to a beekeeper refers to the hive box where the honey is stored -Only 23% of New Zealand families have more than two children -Deliberately infecting people with malaria has been used to cure different viral infections. The high fever will strengthen the immune system and fight the virus. In recent times this has been considered as a treatment to HIV -By partially filling saucers with vinegar and distributing the saucers around a room, you can eliminate odors -The only animals that are capable of turning their heads 180 degrees are from the genus Galago, such as the Tarsier -In the United States birds and planes collided more than 22,000 times between the years of 1990 and 1998 -The average number of pillowcases washed a day at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas is 15,000 -Over 40 million Americans have chronic bad breath -There are 158 verses in the Greek National Anthem -A regulation baseball has exactly 108 stitches -In a study that was done by the University of Chicago in 1907, it was concluded that the easiest color to spot is yellow. This is why John Hertz, who is the founder of the Yellow Cab Company picked cabs to be yellow -On average it takes a shark seven days to replace a tooth -The biggest religious building in the world is a Hindu Temple, Angkor Wat, located in Cambodia. It was built at the end of the 11th century -In Britain, there are approximately 50,000 pubs with 17,000 different names -Snails eat with a rasping mouth called a "radula," which has thousands of teeth -A dragonfly has a lifespan of for to seven weeks -Chewing on gum while cutting onions can help a person from producing tears -The majority of American models are skinnier than 98% of American women -The first jigsaw puzzle was created by map maker John Splisbury who mounted one of his maps on a sheet of hardwood. He proceeded to cut around the borders of each country use a fine saw -Owen Falls Lake is the largest man-made lake in the world -The patent number of the telephone is 174465. -On average, 81% of Americans 16 years of age and older watch television at least once in a day -If a raisin is dropped into a glass of champagne it will bounce up and down in the glass -Reptiles do not perspire, and do not have any oil glands -Eating chocolate three times a month helps people live longer as opposed to people who overeat chocolate or do not eat chocolate at all -There is a doggy disco held in Italy every year where owners can dance with their dogs -The average number of guests that attend a wedding in the U.S. is 189 -In ancient Egypt, the dung beetle symbolized eternal rebirth and the Sun God Khepri -If a cockroach breaks a leg it can grow another one -Budweiser beer is named after a town in Czechoslovakia -Each day the sun causes about one trillion tons of water to evaporate -Actress Debra Winger helped to perform the voice of E.T. in the movie ?E.T. The Extra Terrestrial (1982)." -There are more than 640 muscles in the human body -Airports that are at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density -Every second, two Barbie dolls are sold somewhere in the world -The Ice Cream cone was invented in the summer of 1904 by Charles Menches. It made its debut one year later at the St. Louis World Fair -The rhinoceros beetle can carry up to 850 times its weight on its back. This is equivalent to a person carrying over 50 mini-vans on their back -The game rugby was originated at Rugby school located in England in 1823. This happened when William Webb Ellis, while playing soccer, picked the ball up in his hands and started running with it -The first episode of the popular television sitcom Happy Days was titled "All The Way." -Scientists have discovered that the longer the ring finger is in boys the less chance they have of having a heart attack -When the body is resting, it takes in about 10 litres of air every minute -George Washington had to borrow money to go to his own inauguration -There have been over fifty million Mr. Potato Heads sold since it came out in 1952 -All of Chrysler's PT Cruisers are built in Mexico. -Movies approximately make five times more from video sales than ticket sales -There has only been 193,000 metric tonnes of gold discovered to date. -In 1958, the United States Coast Guard off western Greenland measured the tallest known iceberg at five hundred and fifty feet -Baby donkeys or baby mules are also known as "Foals." -When Sony introduced the walkman, it had a variety of different names in different countries. It was called "Soundabout" in the U.S., "Stowaway" in the U.K., and "Freestyle" in Australia -In Canada, the most productive day of the workweek is Tuesday -Author Dr. Seuss wrote the book "Green Eggs and Ham" because the editor made him a bet that he could not write a book, which contained less than fifty words -Armadillos have four babies at a time, and they are always the same sex -The tallest mammal in the world is the giraffe -Obsessive nose picking is referred to as rhinotillexomania -The spider used in the 2002 movie Spider-Man was a Steatoda spider, not a black widow. The spider was given anaesthesia, and was then painted blue and red -Donkeys can live between 30 to 50 years in captivity -In the United States, approximately 25,000 eye injuries occur that result in the person becoming totally blind -Australian Graham Barker extracted his own belly button fluff every day for 18 years acquiring a record-breaking amount of fluff. He hopes to accumulate enough fluff to stuff a pillow -Every year, surgical tools are left in approximately 1,500 patients in the USA. Fatter patients are more prone to having a surgical tool left inside of them due to the additional amount of space in their bodies -Medical reports show that about 18% of the population are prone to sleepwalking -In Ancient Egypt, cats were often buried with their masters, or in a special cemetary for cats -In Ontario, an average household income of a golfer is greater than $60,000 -The Danish company Lego, which began in 1932, first manufactured ironing boards, and stepladders -Mice will nurse babies that are not their own -Saturday is the most popular day for people to eat out in the United States -Singer Alice Cooper once had a live chicken thrown at him during a concert in Toronto. He threw the chicken back at the crowd and all the publicity surrounding the incident skyrocketed his singing career -Between 1997-2002, there was an increase of 228% in cosmetic procedures in the United States -Elmer Smith was the first player to hit a grand slam in a World Series -Ancient Egyptians used the spice Thyme to help preserve mummies -On average, an American family sends and receives 28 Christmas cards each year -In Belgium, 94% of children under the age of fourteen own LEGO products -In ancient Rome, lead poisoning was a prevalent disease amongst the wealthy because of their extensive use of lead. Many Roman women died because of lead poisoning caused by the use of make-up that contained lead -The famous jewelry store Tiffany & Co. was established on September 18, 1837 in New York City. The amount of sales that were made the first day were $4.98 -Depending on the size, it can take an oyster anywhere from few months to many years to form a pearl -In one minute, the heart of a giraffe can pump 160 gallons of blood -Each day Americans 15 and over spend an average of 55 minutes of driving -Storks were a symbol of fertility in Europe and were considered to bring good luck -The largest pig on record was a Poland-China hog named Big Bill, who weighed 2,552 lbs -The parents of Albert Einstein were worried that he was mentally slow because it took him a long time to learn how to speak -Badminton originates from a sport in India called "poona." -In October 1973, Swedish sweet maker Roland Ohisson of Falkenberg was buried in a coffin made of nothing but chocolate -More than 100 professional cyclists participate in the Tour de France every year and the race is over 3,200 kilometers -In the United States, turkeys are mostly raised in California -The only state to grow pineapples is Hawaii -There are more than 50 different types of pumpkins. Some of them have names such as Munchkin, Funny Face, and Spooktacular -In order to mate, a male deep sea anglerfish will bite a female when he finds her. The male will never let go and will eventually merge his body into the female and spend the rest of his life inside the female mate. The males internal organs will disappear apart from the testes that are needed to for breeding -Tacoma Narrows Bridge which was located in Washington was nicknamed "Galloping Gertie" because of the unusual way it twisted and swayed with even with the slightest winds when people would drive on it. The bridge collapsed on November 7, 1940, fortunately no humans died, except for a dog -At least 7% of all health care costs in the United States are attributed to smoking -On September 7, 1997, the first flight of the F-22a occurred. -There are five years in a quinquennium -The average life span of a mosquito is two weeks -Eating 11 pounds of apples will make you gain one pound of weight -The shark cornea has been used in eye surgery, since its cornea is similar to a human cornea -The largest fish in the world is the whale shark. It can weigh several tons and grow to more than fifty feet in length -The fastest bird in the world is the Peregrine Falcon, which can reach speeds in excess of two hundred miles per hour -The world camel population is close to 19 million -The word "Denim" comes from the French phrase "serge de Nimes" which is a fabric made in a town located in southern France -February 17th, 1930, was the first flight by a cow in an airplane. The milk that was produced by the cow during the flight was put into containers and parachuted over the city of St. Louis -The most popular gift that teachers receive in the United States from their students is chocolate -The Bible has been translated into Klingon -The name for the sign "&" which represents the world "and" is ampersand -The Eiffel Tower weight is approximately 9441 tons -The first translation of the Bible into English was in 1382 A.D., by John Wycliff -The meaning of Siberia is "sleeping land." -Ancient Romans at one time used human urine as an ingredient in their toothpaste -Billie Jean by Michael Jackson was the first video to air on MTV by a black artist -Eyebrow hair lasts between 3-5 months before it sheds -An elephant cannot jump -Scientists say that babies that are breastfed are more likely to be slimmer as adults than those that are not breastfed -The reason why the Mexican sombrero hat is so wide is to provide shade for the entire body -Amazingly, goalies in the National Hockey League played without masks until the year 1959 -According to research, the most productive workday is Tuesday and the least productive is Friday -The makers of Crayola produce over 2 billion crayons in a year -The human face is made up of 14 bones -Mangos are valued for their reputation as an aphrodisiac in countries such as Guatemala and India -There are over 9 million beef and dairy cattle in New Zealand -The coconut is the largest seed in the world -Basketball superstar Wilt Chamberlain holds 56 NBA records -In 1990, the largest watermelon ever grown was 262 pounds, by Bill Carson of Tennesse, USA -Some toothpastes contain antifreeze -During the Gold Rush in 1849, some people paid as much as $100 for a simple glass of water -The only English place that has a name that ends with an exclamation mark is "Westward Ho!" -There are at least six universal facial expressions. They are: happiness, sadness, disgust, fear, anger and surprise -In the movie "The Exorcist" the vomit that (Regan) Linda Blair hurls at Father Damien Karras is thick pea soup -The Library of Congress, located in Washington D.C., is the largest library in the world -There is a substance in the skin of the African clawed frog that helps in fighting infection -The Sea of Tranquility on the moon is deeper than the highest mountain on Earth -The most popular vacation destinations for Americans in 1956 was Niagara Falls -In 1967, the first successful heart transplant was performed in Cape Town, South Africa -"Pomology" is the science of growing an apple -The total number of episodes for the sitcom "I Love Lucy" was 180 -The town with the most stop signs per capita than any other in the US: LaConner, Washington -There is a Harley-Davidson that was designed as an exact replica of a hamburger -The blue whale is the loudest animal on the earth. Its whistle can reach up to 188 decibels -Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, andchocolate. -Mosquitoes prefer children over adults -When baby sharks are born, they swim away from their mothers right away and are on there own. In fact, their mothers might see them as prey -Soaking beans for twelve hours in water before they are cooked can reduce flatulence caused by beans -The vegetable that is eaten most by Americans is potatoes. On average, a person eats about 140 pounds of potatoes annually -In the dry valleys region of Antarctica, it has not rained in 2 million years according to scientists -Keeping your car tuned up is a good way to save on gas. A car that is tuned up is 9% more efficient on gasoline. -The venom of the king cobra is so deadly that one bite can kill twenty people or one elephant -There is a law in the state of Idaho that does not permit one citizen to give another citizen a box of candy that is heavier than 50 pounds -The kidneys filter over 400 gallons of blood each day -Another word to refer to old age is senectitude -The most popular meal ordered at restaurants in the U.S. is fried chicken -Kit Kat chocolate bar was introduced to the market in 1935 -Fear of clowns is called coulrophobia -The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night -Common pesticides such as roach, termite and flea insecticide can be found in the bodies of majority of Americans -There is no tipping in Iceland -The founder of JC Penny had the middle name of Cash -Eating parsley after eating an onion can help in getting rid of onion breath -Gorilla gorilla gorilla is the scientific name for the animal gorilla -In the U.S. the most common excuse made to get out of paying a ticket is to say they missed the sign -On average, it is estimated that females injure themselves ten time more than males do while playing sports -A house cat spends 70% of its time sleeping -The first hair dryer was a vacuum cleaner that was used for drying hair -Whale eyes are the size of a grapefruit -Painting a house yellow or having a yellow trim helps in selling a house faster -On August 21st, 1911, someone stole the Mona Lisa, the most famous painting in the world, from the Louvre Museum. It was recovered two years later -The Great Wall stretches for about 4,500 miles across North China -Frosted Flakes mascot "Tony the Tiger" has a wife, son (Tony Jr.) and daughter (Antoinette) that were used in early advertising commercials -The iron disulfide (Pyrite) is considered "fool's gold" because it looks very similar to gold. -Smiling releases endorphins in the body, which makes people feel better -A dentist from Buffalo New York named Alfred P. Southwick invented the electric chair. -ABBA got their name by taking the first letter from each of their names (Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny, Anni-frid.) -The space between your eyebrows is called the Glabella -Grapes are grown around the world more than any other fruit -The best selling game in history for coin-operated machines is Pac-Man -Google receives more than 200 million search queries a day, more than half of which come from outside the United States. Peak traffic hours to google.com are between 6 a.m. and noon PST, when more than 2,000 search queries are answered a second -There is a Hamburger hall of fame in Seymour, Wisconsin -The Olympic torch weighs about 3 pounds -The famous Christmas song "Jingle Bells" was written for a Thanksgiving program in 1857 by James Pierpont. At the time, the song was called "The One-Horse Open Sleigh." -The average bank teller loses about $250 every year -Initially golf balls were made out of wood. After that they were made out of leather which was stuffed with feathers -Russian I.M. Chisov survived a 21,980 plunge out of a plane with no parachute. He landed on the steep side of a snow-covered mountain with only a fractured pelvis and slight concussion -About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money -The oldest actor to win a Best Actor Oscar is Henry Fonda. He was 76 when he won it -Babies who wear disposable diapers are five times more likely to develop diaper rash than those that wear cotton diapers -The first lighthouse built in the USA was in Boston, MA in 1716 -The Snickers chocolate bar was invented in 1930 -When Nylons first went on sale in the United States in 1940, four million pairs were sold in only a few days -On average, a man spends about five months of his life shaving -Oprah Winfrey was the first black woman to anchor a newscast in Nashville at WTVF-TV -Ever year, Americans spend close to $25 billion on beer -In 1888, an Egyptian peasant discovered an estimated three hundred thousand mummified cats in Beni Hassan, Egypt. Of the cats that were not stolen once, the find was made public, the remaining mummified cats were shipped to Great Britain to be used as agricultural fertilizer -The smallest stamp in the world was issued in 1863 by the Columbian state of Bolivar and measured 9.5 x 8mm -There are over 1,800 known species of fleas -Ivory soap slogan "99-44/100% Pure" was cleverly invented by Harley Proctor who with the help of chemists determined that Ivory soap was only 56/100 pure. Proctor simply subtracted 56 from 100 and came up with "99-44/100% Pure" -The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA -Brain damage will only occur if a fever goes above 107.6 degrees farenheit -It requires 63 feet of wire to make a Slinky toy -Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on the cartoon show "Scooby-Doo." Casey Kasem, being a strict vegetarian, also requested that Shaggy follow the same diet on the show -In the U.S., the milk production per dairy cow is approximately 12,000 pounds -In America, 38% of doctors are Indians -People with allergies can lower allergy reactions by laughing -Some farmers in Japan have learned to grow their watermelons into a square shape. They did this to conserve shelf space -The heaviest United States President was William Howard Taft who weighed 332 pounds -Tasmania is said to have the cleanest air in the world -Studies show that divorced women have more trouble starting new relationships than divorced men -Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ? -An individual coral animal is called a polyp -There are dolphins that live in the Amazon River that are the colour pink -Navel oranges got their name because the bottom of this type of orange resembles a belly button or navel -Tohru Iwatani, the inventor of the video game Pac-Man, came up with the idea when he saw a pizza with a slice missing at a dinner party -One tree can filter up to sixty pounds of pollutants from the air each year. -In America, one out of every two marriages ends up in divorce -A chance of a woman having twins is increased after the age of 35. About 1 in 27 women will give birth to twins after this age. After 50 the chances of having twins is 1 in 9 -The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated -The Hollywood sign was first erected in 1923. It was first erected as "Hollywoodland." -The first commercial chewing gum was sold in 1848 by John B. Curtis, who also made the gum. He called the gum "State of Maine Pure Spruce Gum." -Touching and stroking a plant will aid in it growing healthy -Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age ofthe Rolling Stones: 50.6. -Business.com is currently the most expensive domain name sold for $7.5 million -31% of employees skip lunch entirely -Olive oil can help in lowering cholesterol levels and decreasing the risk of heart complications -Ho-Ho-Kus, a small town in New Jersey, is the only town in the United States of America that has two dashes in its name -Romans, in the third century, believed that the lemon was an antidote for all poisons -During the Easter season, 600 million Marshmallow Peeps are bought my Americans. The Marshmallow Peep is the most popular Easter candy besides chocolate -In the Great Fire of London in 1666, only six people were killed -During World War II, the 2nd Polish Corps had a brown bear named Wojtek, who helped move boxes of ammunition during the battle of Monte Cassino -In the United States, every year about 15 people die from dog bites -Sheep can survive for up to two weeks buried in snow drifts.Click Here For More Details -The Crayola colour flesh was changed to peach in 1962 because of the fact that people have many different skin colours -7 out of 10 people believe in life after death -The largest coral reef in the world is the Great Barrier Reef located in Australia. The reef is approximately 2023 kilometers long -On a bottle of brandy VSOP stand for "Very Special Old Pale." -The word "dexterity", to do with skill is related to the right hand. The opposite of the word "deter" is "sinister", to do with evil, it is related to the left hand -Male sea horses are the ones that get impregnated rather than the females. Males have a pouch on their belly that provides incubation for the female?s eggs and they can have up to 1500 babies at one time -NASA scientists have concluded that the state of California is moving north and will collide with the state of Alaska in roughly 150 million years -The best selling chocolate syrup in the world is Hershey -The word Karate means, "empty hand." -There are some types of chocolates that are actually good for the arteries and heart -The speed at which honey bees fly is at 15 miles per hour -The average life expectancy of an ant is about 90 days -The appliance that uses the most use of water in the home is the toilet -The first movie to ever cost $100 million to make is Terminator 2: Judgment Day in 1991 -In the first century, people used to drink goats milk to sweeten their breath -The first product that Sony came out with was the rice cooker -In the United States, ice cream is sold the most on a Sunday -Over the course of one year, a coffee tree only produces about 1.5 pounds of coffee -The substance that gives red wine and dark beer its color is said to have a positive effects on cholesterol and blood pressure -Tripolini pasta was named for the Italian conquest of Tripoli in Libya -In 2002, the most popular boat name in the U.S. was Liberty -One out of 20 people have an extra rib -44% of kids watch television before they go to sleep -In 1865, the U.S. Secret Service was first established for the specific purpose to combat the counterfeiting of money -In 1967, the IMAX film system was invented by Canadian Ivan Grame Ferguson to premier at Expo 67. -Approximately 40% of the U.S. paper currency in circulation was counterfeit by the end of the Civil War -Every three days a human stomach gets a new lining -In 1873, Colgate made a toothpaste that was available in a jar -The Kodiak, which is native to Alaska, is the largest bear and can measure up to eight feet and weigh as much as 1,700 pounds -The Gastric Flu can cause projectile vomiting -The second best selling game of all time is Jenga. Jenga is a Swahili word, meaning "to build." -Cinderella is known as Rashin Coatie in Scotland, Zezolla in Italy, and Yeh-hsien in China -The fur of the binturong, also known as the "Asian Bear Cat," smells like popcorn. The scent is believed to come from a gland located near the tail -In 1894 the first big Coke sign was found on the side of a building located in Cartersville, Georgia, and still exists today -The longest distance a deepwater lobster has been recorded to travel is 225 miles -Orcas (killer whales), when traveling in groups, breathe in unison -The Great Pyramids used to be as white as snow because they were encased in a bright limestone that has worn off over the years -NASCAR stands for National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing -Paul Hunn holds the record for the loudest burp, which was 118.1 decibels, which is as loud as a chainsaw -A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana -There are six million parts in the Boeing 747-400. -The first TONKA truck was made in 1947 -Sugar Bear (the mascot for Golden Crisps cereal) was born in 1963 -The Tonle Sap River in Cambodia flows north for almost half the year and then south for the rest of the year -Japanese research has concluded that moderate drinking can boost IQ levels -For more than 3,000 years, Carpenter ants have been used to close wounds in India, Asia and South America -Baskin Robbins plain vanilla ice cream is the number one selling flavour and accounts for a quarter of their sales -Elizabeth Taylor has appeared on the cover of Life magazine more than anyone else -The typical lead pencil can draw a line that is thirty five miles long -The word "toy" comes from an old English word that means "tool." -Smokers are twice as likely to develop lower back pain than non-smokers -Humans are born with 300 bones in their body, however when a person reaches adulthood they only have 206 bones. This occurs because many of them join together to make a single bone -The reason why hair turns gray as we age is because the pigment cells in the hair follicle start to die, which is responsible for producing "melanin" which gives the hair colour -In 1960 there were 16,067 gambling slots in Nevada. By 1999, this number rose to 205,726 slots which would be one slot for every 10 people residing there -The two factories of the Jelly Belly Candy Company produces approximately 100,000 pounds of jelly beans a day. this amounts to about 1,250,000 jelly beans an hour -Pucks hit by hockey sticks have reached speeds of up to 150 miles per hour -The "naked recreation and travel" industry has grown by 233% in the past decade -The Planters Peanut Company mascot, Mr. Peanut, was created during a contest for schoolchildren in 1916 -The expression cooked "al dente" means "to the tooth." What this means is that the pasta should be somewhat firm, and offer some resistance to the tooth, but should also be tender -Of married couples, 70% of men and 60% of women have cheated on their spouse -The first couple to be shown on a sitcom sleeping in the same bed was "Mary Kay and Johnny." -Asthma affects one in fifteen children under the age of eighteen -Throughout the South, peanuts were known as "Monkey Nuts," and "Goober peas," before the civil war -Scallops have approximately 100 eyes around the edge of its shell -In 1810, Peter Durand invented the tin can for preserving food -Men in their early twenties shave an average of four times a week -Colour is not an indicator for the taste or ripeness in cranberries -Each year there are approximately 20 billion coconuts produced worldwide -A chicken with red earlobes will produce brown eggs, and a chicken with white earlobes will produce white eggs -Not all polar bears hibernate; only pregnant females polar bears do -There is a restaurant in Stockholm that only offers all-garlic products. They even have a garlic cheesecake -Serving ice cream on cherry pie was once illegal in Kansas -Superman The Escape rollercoaster, located in California at Six Flags Magic Mountain, goes from 0 to 100 miles per hour in only 7 seconds -Five thousandths of a millimeter is the tolerance of accuracy at the LEGO mould factories -2.5 cans of Spam are consumed every second in the United States -The Koala bear is not really a bear, but is really related to the kangaroo and the wombat. -One gallon of pure maple syrup weighs 11 pounds -Instead of a Birthday Cake, many Russian children are given a Birthday Pie -The largest employer in the world is the Indian railway system in India, employing over 1.6 million people -The word "comet" comes from the Greek word "kometes" meaning long hair and referring to the tail -The average price for a major league baseball game in 2004 is $19.82 -The hydra, which is related to the jellyfish, can grow its body back in a couple of days if it is cut in half -The deepest mine in the world is the East Rand mine, which goes to a depth of about 3,585 metres -Native Indians have been known to paint their doors blue, which they believe keeps the bad spirits out -Before air conditioning was invented, white cotton slipcovers were put on furniture to keep the air cool. -It would take about fourteen and half million notes of currency to build a mile high stack -It costs about 3 cents to make a $1 bill in the United States -Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself." -The cross bow was invented by the Chinese and records of its usage goes back to as far as the Three Kingdom Period (220 a.d.-280 a.d.). -It is estimated that by the end of 2000, there has been 142,600 tonnes of gold mined in the world -One-third pound stalk of broccoli contains more vitamin C than 204 apples -The Flintstones cartoon was the first thirty-minute cartoon to be aired during prime time -The abbreviation Xmas for the word Christmas is of Greek origin. Since the word for Christ in the Greek language is Xristos, which starts with the letter "X," they started putting the X in place of Christ and came up with the short form for the word Christmas -Dipsomania refers to an insatiable craving for alcoholic beverages -Pitcher Darold Knowles once pitched all seven games of one World Series -In a day, kids in the U.S. that are between the ages of 2 - 8 spend 28 minutes of their time coloring -The Ancient Greek women made a type of cheek blush by painting their cheeks with herbal pastes which was made out of crushed berries and seeds -Herbert Hoover, who was the 31st president of the United Stated, turned over all the Federal salary checks he received to charity during the 47 years he was in government -Macadamia nuts are not sold in their shells because it takes 300 pounds per square inch of pressure to break the shell -Japan has approximately 200 volcanoes and is home to 10% of the active volcanoes in the world -Before 1928, yo-yos used to be called bandalores in the United States -The only South East Asian country that has never been colonized by a Western Power is Thailand -In 1631, two London bible printers accidentally left the word "not" out of the seventh commandment, which then read, "Thou shalt commit adultery." This legendary book is now known as the "Wicked Bible." -Irish Wolfhound dogs have a short lifespan and live about 7-8 years -When Queen Elizabeth I of England died she owned over 3,000 gowns -Female alligators lay about 40 eggs that hatch in 60 - 70 days -The nickname for a Japanese businessmen is "Salarymen." -Emus cannot walk backwards -The external tank on space shuttles is not painted. It is the only part of the shuttle that is lost after launch, so it is not necessary to worry about metal corrosion. -The most popular Twizzler candy flavour is strawberry -Thirty percent of all bingo players are under the age of 35 -Infants spend more time dreaming than adults do -The famous Casanova (Giacomo Casanova) was a librarian for many years before he died -The only species of turtle that lives in the open ocean is the sea turtle -Toronto was the first city in the world with a computerized traffic signal system -Seniors who drink a cup of coffee before a memory test score higher than those who drink a cup of decaffeinated coffee -Some octopuses have been known to eat their arms off when they are exposed to stressful situations -On average, 749 pounds of paper products is used by an American individual annually -The skeleton of a spider is located on the outside of the body. The name for this is exoskelton -Incas used to create pots in the shape of peanuts that were highly prized -Over 200 varieties of watermelons are grown in the U.S -The most dangerous job in the United States is that of a fisherman, followed by logging and then an airline pilot -The words "abstemioius," and "facetious" both have all the five vowels in them in order -French soldiers during World War I had the nickname "poilu" which translates to "hairy one." -Former U.S. President William Taft converted the White House stable into a four car garage in 1909 -People living on the east coast prefer creamy peanut butter, while people living on the west coast prefer chunky peanut butter -Some snails live on branches in trees -Tomato ketchup is a good conditioner for the hair. It also helps get the greenish tinge that some blonde haired people get after swimming in water with chlorine in it -Soldiers disease is a term for morphine addiction. The Civil War produced over 400,000 morphine addicts -The longest chapter in the Bible is Psalm 119, which is 176 verses -During the First World War, cigarettes were handed out to soldiers along with their rations -The longest freshwater shoreline in the world is located in the state of Michigan -There are bananas called "Red banana" that are maroon to dark purple when ripe -Franklin Pierce was the first U.S. President to have a Christmas tree in the White House -Walt Disney had originally suggested using the name Mortimer Mouse instead of Mickey Mouse -The length of brink of the Canadian "Horseshoe" Falls located in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada is 2600 feet -The smile is the most frequently used facial expression. A smile can use anywhere from a pair of 5 to 53 facial muscles -The right lung of a human is larger than the left one. This is because of the space and placement of the heart -Native Americans used to use pumpkin seeds for medicine -Corals take a long time to grow. Some corals only grow one centimeter in one year -Walmart-mart sells more apparel a year than all the other competing department stores combined -Canada has more inland waters and lakes than any other country in the world -Ramses II, a pharaoh of Egypt died in 1225 B.C. At the time of his death, he had fathered 96 sons and 60 daughters -Since its introduction in February 1935, more than two hundred million Monopoly board games have been sold worldwide -Women are twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression than men in the United States -The smallest man ever was Gul Mohammed (1957-1997) of India, who measured 1 feet, 10? inches -500,000 tons of dog excrement are dumped annually on the streets of Paris -In Belgium, there is a museum just for strawberries -The Simpsons is the longest running prime-time animated series on television history -The more a person struggles to get out of quicksand the faster they will sink. Staying still, and being calm will actually make the body float in the quicksand because the body is less dense than the quicksand is -On average, a Canadian girl owns seven Barbie dolls, whereas an American girl owns eight -A piece of French toast that was partially eaten by Justin Timberlake sold on eBay -Atari had to bury millions of unsold "E.T." game cartridges in a New Mexico desert landfill in 1982 -The biggest disco ball in the world has a diameter of 2.41 meters and 137.89 kilograms. It also has 6,900 mirror squares on it -An average city dog lives approximately three years longer than an average country dog -On average, falling asleep while driving results in 550 accidents per day in the United States -Scatologists are experts who study feces. (aka. crap, dung, dookie, dumps, feces, excrement, etc.) -Pumpkins contain potassium and vitamin A -The greatest mountain range is the Mid-Ocean Ridge, extending 64,374 km from the Arctic Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean -Pepsi got its name from the ingredient pepsin, which is said to aid in digestion, however, it is not known -The spray WD-40 got its name because there were forty attempts needed before the creation of the "water displacing" substance -Contrary to popular beliefs, chocolate does not cause acne -Detroit, Michigan has more registered bowlers than any other city in the USA -The fastest moving land snake is the Black Mamba, which can move up to 7 miles per hour -Annually Americans eat 45 million turkeys at Thanksgiving -Rabbits can live up to ten years -The average life span of a single red blood cell is 120 days -Over 250 million Slinky toys have been sold since its debut in 1946 -In 1961, Italian artist Piero Manzoni packed his feces in cans, signed and mounted them, and then sold them as art -The last thing Elvis Presley ate before he died was four scoops of ice cream and 6 chocolate chip cookies -Some Chinese chopsticks contain gold as on of their materials -The chances of making two holes-in-one in a round of golf are one in 67 million -The watch was invented by Peter Henlein of Nuremberg in 1510. -In North America there are approximately 618 roller coasters -The concept of Boxing Day, which is on December 26th, was to give boxes of food and clothing to the poor. It is now viewed in some countries as a time to get merchandise from stores at reduced prices -Crayola is a French word that means "Oily chalk." -Every year, Burger King restaurants prepare over 950,000 pounds of bacon for their breakfast customers -Isaac Newton used to be a member of parliament -Dumbest Dog: Afghan hound -At just four years old Mozart was able to learn a piece of music in half an hour -It would take twenty new mid-size cars to generate the same amount of pollution that a mid-size 1960's car did. -The honey badger can withstand hundreds of bee stings that would otherwise kill another animal -There are 500,000 detectable earthquakes in the world each year -Black pepper is the most popular spice in the world -In Greece, the climate is so warm that many of the cinemas do not even have roofs -The word "moose" comes from the native Algonquian Indian word meaning "twig eater." -An armadillo can walk under water -There are over one hundred billion galaxies with each galaxy having billions of stars -The Uape Indians, who live in the Amazon, mix the ashes of their recently cremated relatives with alcohol, then all members of the family drink the mix with fond memories of the deceased -The word "diamond" comes from the Greek word "adamas," which means "unconquerable." -On average, a typical dairy cow lies down and stands up about 14 times a day -For the movie "Tootsie" actor Dustin Hoffman thought of the title. His mother used to call him that as a child -The world record for rocking non-stop in a rocking chair is 480 hours held by Dennis Easterling, of Atlanta, Georgia -The Sears Tower consists of nine framed tubes, which connects nine skyscrapers as one building -The first subway system in America was built in Boston, Massachusetts in 1897 -There are approximately 45 billion fat cells in an average adult -To make one pound of butter, 29 cups of milk are needed -In the summer of 1858, the smell of the sewage in the Thames River in London was so bad that the Members of Parliament had to leave from the chamber of the House of Commons. This was a result of two million people dumping all their sewage into the river -One out of five people that eat ice cream binge on ice cream in the middle of the night. The person is usually between 18 - 24 years old -The Basenji dog is the only dog that is not able to bark -There is a dog museum in St. Louis, Missouri -There is a city called Smackover located in Arkansas -The labels for Crayola crayons come in 18 different colors -The temperature of milk when it leaves the body of a cow is 101 degrees Fahrenheit. The milk is then quickly chilled and stored at a temperature of 40 degrees Fahrenheit -In Spain, it is common to pour chocolate milk or cafe au lait on cereal for breakfast -Over 50% of the wedding in the U.S. occur in the afternoon -Before the fur trade had started in Canada, it was estimated that there were over 6 million beavers -Eating dandelions can make you urinate more -Enough paper is recycled in the USA every day, that a 15 mile long train of boxcars could be filled up with paper. -The palms of your hands and the soles of your feet cannot tan, or grow hair -At the White House, president John Adams was said to be the first to display fireworks there -About 10% of the 100,000 thunderstorms that occur in the USA every year are classified as severe. -Sylvia Plath was a famous poet who killed herself at age thirty-one by sticking her head into a gas oven -A baseball will go farther in hot temperature than in cold temperature -A rabbit is not able to vomit -The aorta, which is largest artery located in the body, is about the diameter of a garden hose -Niagara Falls actually stopped flowing back in 1848 for about 20 hours because there was ice that was blocking the Niagara River -The world's first underground was the London Underground in1863. It has 275 stations and 253 miles of track. -The first American president to deliver a speech over the radio was Warren G. Harding -There are more than 40 million Americans that have "chronic halitosis," which is bad breath that never goes away -The human body makes anywhere from 1 to 3 pints of saliva every 24 hours -Cheetahs are the fastest land animal and can reach speeds up to 72mph -The purpose of tonsils is to destroy foreign substances that are swallowed or breathed in -The country with the highest consumption of candy at 29.5 pounds annually per person is Denmark -One of the most dangerous insect in the world is the common housefly. They carry and transmit more diseases than any other animal in the world -Every day, over 1,300 babies are born prematurely in the USA -The sun is approximately 149 million kilometres from the earth -The Great White Shark can grow to be more than twenty feet long and can weigh approximately 4,000 pounds -In 1832, in Paisley, Scotland the first municipal water filtration works was opened -The only popcorn museum in the world is lcoated in Marion, Ohio, USA -Any animal that has skin hair or fur can get dandruff, but in animals it is called "dander." -The average ice berg weighs 20,000,000 tons -In 1819, the USA purchased Florida from Spain for the cancellation of a $5 million debt -In a lifetime, the average driver will honk 15,250 times -Jewelers Tiffany & Co., based in New York, are responsible for making the Super Bowl trophy -Skippy Peanut Butter is sold more in the world than any other peanut butter -The highest bridge in the world is located in the Himalyan mountains. It was built by the Indian Army, in 1982, and is about 5,600 metres above sea level -In 1893, the first mosque in the United States was built -Actress Meryl Streep holds the record for the most Oscar nominated actress, with a record of 13 nominations -In a year approximately 900 million trees are cut down to make the raw materials needed for American pulp mills and paper -Enamel is hardest substance in the human body -A leech has 32 brains -Thomas Edison designed a helicopter that would work with gunpowder. It ended up blowing up and also blew up his factory. -In the late 1800's, washing machines and butter churners were sometimes powered by dogs walking on treadmills. -In China, people eat a bar of chocolate for every 1,000 chocolate bars eaten by the British -Namco, who are the manufacturers of Pac Man the video game, has estimated that the original arcade game has been played over 10 billion times by individuals -In Ivrea, Italy, thousands of citizens celebrate the beginning of Lent by throwing oranges at one another -The sloth moves so slowly that green algae grows in the grooves of their hair -In the world, the United States and France have the most pet dogs. Approximately one out of every three families has a pet dog. Switzerland and Germany are the lowest only having one dog per every ten families -There are 50% more males that are left handed compared to females -Armadillos breed in July, but get pregnant in November after delaying implantation. This allows the young to be born during the spring when there is an abundance of food -Carbon monoxide can kill a person in less than 15 minutes -The Nobel Peace prize was first awarded in 1901 to Jean Henry Dunant, who was the founder of the Swiss Red Cross -In August 1999, Lori Lynn Lomeli set a record by spinning 82 Hula Hoops at the same time for three full revolutions -The wheelbarrow was invented by the Chinese. -The colour blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones -Over 20 million BluBlocker sunglasses have been sold since its debut in 1986. They now come in over 100 different styles -Crabs have very small hairs on their claws and other parts of their body to help detect water currents and vibrations -In 1962, the first Wal-Mart opened up in Rogers, Arkansas -Duracell, the battery-maker, built parts of its new international headquarters using materials from its own waste -Vampire bat saliva has been responsible for many advances in research into stroke recovery -During the making of the the movie "Fight Club," actor Brad Pitt chipped his tooth. However, he did not get his tooth capped until after the movie was done filming as he thought it would look better chipped for his character -A common drink for Tibetans is Butter Tea which is made out of butter, salt, and brick tea -Bourbon was first made by a Baptist minsister from Bourbon County in Kentucky in 1789. That is where it got its name -The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites -McDonald restaurants serve food and drink to an amazing 43 million customers on a daily basis -The game Monopoly was once very popular in Cuba; however, Fidel Castro ordered that all games be destroyed -Nearly half of all Americans suffer from symptoms of burnout -During the era of Louis XIV, women used lemons to redden their lips -70% of the poor people in the world are female -The thickness of the Arctic ice sheet is on average 10 feet. There are some areas that are thick as 65 feet -The adult human body requires about 88 pounds of oxygen daily -The biggest pumpkin the world weighs 1,337.6 pounds -The highest consumption of Pizza occurs during Super Bowl week -Approximately 55% of movies released are Rated R -The Roman emperor Domitian took great pleasure in being secluded in his room for hours and catching flies and stabbing them with pens -Tarantulas can live up to 30 years -On average redheads have 90,000 hairs. People with black hair have about 110,000 hairs -More than half the time spent in United States courts is cases that involve automobiles -One barrel of petroleum holds 42 gallons -The smoke that is produced by a fire kills more people than a burn does because of carbon monoxide and other dangerous gases -The Saguaro Cactus, found in South-western United States does not grow branches until it is 75 years old. -In Belgium, 172,000 tons of chocolate are produced in a year -The word Nike comes from Greek Mythology. Nike is the goddess of victory and was often depicted as a small winged figure whom the goddess Athene carried -The biggest bug in the world is the Goliath Beetle which can weigh up to 3.5 ounces and be 4.5 inches long -Leaving the water running while brushing your teeth can waste four gallons of water in a minute -Steve Fletcher holds the record for the largest gum wrapper collection. His collection has 5300 gum wrappers from all across the world -There was once a country called Prussia. After World War II, it was divided among Poland, Germany, and the USSR -The word Spain means "the land of rabbits." -In 1936, the first practical helicopter was invented. It was the German Focke-Wulf Fw 61. -The word tulip comes from the Turkish word for turban -Psychokinesis refers to the ability of moving objects through psychic power -In Britain, one out of every four potatoes is eaten in the form of french fries -The movie "Chicken Run" made in 2,000 had the most plasticine used in an animated movie. They used 2,380 kg of plasticine for the movie -During WWII, because a lot of players were called to duty, the Pittsburgh Steelers and Philadelphia Eagles combined to become The Steagles -The titan arum flower is the largest flower in the world and gives off a horrible odor that smells like rotting flesh when it blooms -Every day, the average person swallows about a quart of snot -When the only queen ant dies, so does the entire colony, because no new workers are born -The Dutch people are known to be the tallest people in Europe -The average American kid will eat approximately 1.500 peanut butter sandwiches by high school graduation -It has been suggested that shepherds are responsible for inventing the game golf. It is said that they used to use their staffs to hit the stones -There are about 6,800 languages in the world -Studies have shown that by putting on slow background music it can make a person eat food at a slower rate -By walking an extra 20 minutes every day, an average person will burn off seven pounds of body fat in an year -Ironically, when doctors in Los Angeles, California went on strike in 1976, the daily number of deaths in the city dropped 18% -Octopus and squid are thought to be the most intelligent of all invertebrates -On average, a beaver can cut down two hundred trees a year. -The name of the first menthol cigarette in the United States was "Spud." -A world record 328 pound ovarian cyst was removed from a woman in Galveston, Texas, in 1905. updated -The fastest shark is the "Shortfin Mako," which can swim as fast as sixty miles per hour -The flatulation from domesticated cows produce about 30% of the methane on this planet -Ironically, watermelons, which are 92% water, originated from the Kalahari Desert in Africa -The first tattoo machine was invented by Samuel O'Reilly. He did this by using equipment that Thomas Edison used to engrave hard surfaces. -In a lifetime, an average human produces 10,000 gallons of saliva -Chili Powder was invented in the 19th century in the American Southwest -The sea cucumber spills its internal organs out as a defense mechanism -Approximately 25,000 workers died during the building of the Panama Canal and approximately 20,000 of them contracted malaria and yellow fever -Braces were first invented by Pierre Fauchard in 1728. The braces were made by a flat strip of metal, which was connected to the teeth by thread. -There is a town in Texas called Ding Dong. In 1990, the population was only twenty-two people -The total volume of mail that went through the Canadian postal system in 1950 was 1,362,310,155 items -The highest toll paid by a ship to cross the Panama Canal was by the Crown Princess on May 2, 1993 in the amount of $141,349.97 U.S. funds -The name of the famous snack "Twinkies" was invented by seeing a billboard in St. Louis, that said "Twinkle Toe Shoes." -The word "Nazi" is actually an abbreviation for Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei, which refers to the National Socialist German Workers Party -The unique characteristics of Barbie dolls in Japan are that they have their lips closed with no teeth showing -The Coca Cola company offers more than 300 different beverages -Neptune was the first planet in our solar system to be discovered by mathematics -Camel is considered unclean meat in the Bible -Soldier Field is the oldest field in the NFL -In the U.S., over one million gallons of cosmetics, drinks, and lotions are sold that contain aloe in them per year -Eating eight strawberries will provide you with more Vitamin C than an orange -Mosquitoes have teeth -To be born on Sunday was considered a sign of great sin during the Puritan times -The citrus soda "7 UP" was created in 1929. The original name of the popular drink was "Bib-Label Lithiated Lemon-Lime Soda", but it got changed to "7 UP." -The average four year-old child asks over four hundred questions a day -Prosopagnosia refers to the inability to identify people by their faces. In severe cased prosopagnosia a person may not be able to identify themselves in a mirror -On November 29, 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter." -An adult sheep can eat between 1 to 4 kg of food per day -In 1888, Hollywood was founded by Harvey and Daeida Wilcox, who named the city after their summer home in Chicago -Blood is such a good stain that Native Americans used it for paint -In 1876, the first microphone was invented by Emile Berliner. -On average, a person will spend about five years eating during their lifetime -Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, Diamonds - Julius Caesar -Many cancer patients that are treated with chemotherapy lose their hair. For some when the hair grows back, it can grow back a different colour, or be curly or straight -A volcano has enough power to shoot ash as high as 50 km into the atmosphere -The longest hiccups on record was by an American pig farmer whose hiccups persisted from 1922 to 1987 -Coupons were introduced in 1894 when Asa Candler bought the Coca-Cola formula for $2,300 and gave people coupons that he had written out to receive a free glass of coke -Panthers are known as black leopards, as they are the same species of leopard. If looked at closely, black spots can be seen on a panther -Approximately 25% of all scald burns to children are from hot tap water and is associated with more deaths than with any other liquid -In London, during rush hour traffic moves on average at 13 kilometres an hour -Tomatoes and cucumbers are fruits -In the United States, approximately 50 million people fish per year -Cattle can produce up to 180 litres of saliva in one day -Dolphins hear by having sound waves transmit through their skull to their inner ear region -Teflon was accidently discovered by scientist Dr. Roy Plunkett while he was conducting a coolant gas experiment in 1938 -The risk of cardiovascular disease is twice as high in women that snore regularly compared to women who do not snore. updated -Close to 80% of people who watch the Super Bowl on television, only do so to view the commercials -The first theatre to show motion pictures was the Nickelodeon on June 19, 1905 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. It was opened by Harry Davis on Smithfield Street -The White House has a movie theater, swimming pool, bowling lane, jogging track, and a tennis court -About two hundred years before the birth of Christ, the Druids used mistletoe to celebrate that winter was approaching -In the game of Monopoly, the most landed on properties are B&O Railroad, Illinois Avenue, and "Go." -Lions cannot roar until they reach the age of two. -A baby kangaroo is called a joey -Montreal is the second largest French speaking city after Paris -There were 43,687 toilet related accidents in the United States in 1996 -In Albania, nodding your head means "no" and shaking your head means "yes." -Ringo Starr appeared in a Japanese advertisement for apple sauce. Ironically his name means "apple sauce" in Japanese -The average US worker toils for two hours and 47 minutes of each working day just to pay income tax. Indeed, the average American pays more in taxes than for food, clothing and shelter put together -There is cyanide in apple pips -True spiders always have organs for spinning silk known as spinnerets -Great Britain has the highest consumption of ice cream than any other European nation -The movie "Cleopatra" cost $44 million to make in 1963. The same movie would now cost $300 million to make taking inflation into account -A species of dolphin is born naturally blind in the Indus and Ganges rivers in South Asia. These dolphins have a highly sophisticated sonar system and swim on only one side of their body -Kermit the Frog was named after Kermit Scott, a childhood friend of creator Jim Henson, who became a professor of philosophy at Purdue University -Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement." -Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio. -Play-Doh was introduced in 1956 by Hasbro Inc. The only color availabe was an off white, and it came in one size which a one and a half pound can -The USSR launched the world's first artificial satellite, Sputnik 1, in 1957. -An oyster can change its gender -From all the states, Montana has the most different species of animals -The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.M.O.M.). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is -Queen Elizabeth I always wore a necklace with a little perfume bottle attached everywhere she went -A group of people that are hired to clap at a performance are called a claque -The tallest tree recorded is located in Humboldt Redwoods State Park, California. It is a coast redwood and has been measured at 117 metres high -Anti-American demonstrators protesting in Bangladesh after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks carried posters of Osama bin Laden sitting alongside Bert, a beloved Sesame Street Muppet character -Polar bear livers contain so much Vitamin A that it can be fatal if eaten by a human -Leather skin does not have any smell. The leather smell that you sense is actually derived from the materials used in the tanning process -Finland is also known as "the land of of the thousand lakes," because of the over 188,000 lakes found in this country -In an year, an average American kid eats 46 slices of pizza -In Las Vegas, casinos do not have any clocks -When Kleenex was first introduced to the market in 1924, it was marketed as a make up or cold cream remover -In the year 1900, for a women to be a telephone operator she had to be between the ages of 17 and 26 and not be married -The first spacecraft to visit the planet Venus was Mariner 2 in 1962. -Babies that are exposed to cats and dogs in their first year of life have a lower chance of developing allergies when they grow older -Urophobia is the fear of urine or urinating -In 1949, forecasting the relentless march of science, Popular Mechanics said "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -Water that is safe to drink is referred to as POTABLE -Actor John Ritter was the voice of Clifford, from "Clifford The Big Red Dog." -Chocolate accounts for less than two percent of the fat in the American diet -The accent that Mike Myers used for the character Shrek came from the accent that his mother would use when she was telling him bedtime stories when he was a child -In the Netherlands, there are special traffic lanes for bicycles. There are approximately 17,000 kms of cycle lanes with special bicycle traffic lights. -It was believed by Ancient Hindus that the world was a sphere and rested on the back of four elephants, which stood on a turtle -Alexander the Great and Julius Caesar were both epileptic -Every year, more than one million miles of Twizzlers licorice is made -A penguin swims at a speed of approximately 15 miles per hour -The word Thailand means "land of the free." -A rose imprint that was fossilized in a slate was discovered in Florisant, Colorado, which is said to be thirty-five million years old -U.S. bills are 2.61 inches wide, 6.14 inches long, and are .0043 inches thick and weigh 1 gram -The highest mountain in the Western Hemisphere is Mount Aconcagua in Argentina. It rises 22,834 feet above sea level -The Barn Owls hearing is so highly developed that they can hunt for their prey in total darkness -The average number of bridesmaids at a wedding is four -In 1876, Maria Spelterina was the first woman to ever cross Niagara Falls on a high wire -On April 6, 1925, the first in-flight movie was shown. It was a silent film and appeared on a Deutsche Luft Hansa flight -The temperature of lightning bolts is sometimes hotter than the surface of the sun. -When Burger King introduced the Whopper Sandwich in 1957, it cost only thirty-seven cents -Chopsticks originated from China approximately 4,000 years ago -The favorite honeymoon place is Hawaii -The 1960 Summer Olympics were the first Olympics to be aired on television by CBS -The Canadian holiday Boxing Day got its name from the custom of giving. Servants were given boxes which had money hidden inside them from their employers. The servants would have to break the box into pieces to get the money -In proportion, if Jupiter were a basketball, then the sun would be the size of the Louisiana Super Dome -The Toronto Maple Leafs used to be called the Toronto Arenas, then the St. Patricks and finally the Maple Leafs -Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world -In 1391, China began producing toliet paper for use by its Emperors -In the United States, the most frequent month for a tornado to occur is in May. -There are some ice creams that are 75% air -In the United States, lightning hits the ground 40 million times a year. -A mother hen turns her egg approximately 50 times in a day. This is so the yolk does not stick to the shell -The reason why flamingos are pink is because they eat shrimp which have a red pigment -Totally Hair Barbie is the best selling Barbie of all time. It sold over ten million units -Jellyfish have been on Earth for over 650 million years. This is before sharks and dinosaurs -Although white wine can be produced from both red and white grapes, red wine can only be created from red grapes -Shirley Temple was considered to play the role of Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz." -One million cloud droplets are needed to make enough water to produce one raindrop. -In the world, the Netherlands has the highest concentration of museums in the world. Just in Amsterdam alone there are 42 museums -Amongst pre-schoolers, Caillou is the fastest-ever-growing television show and is seen in close to 97% of U.S. households -Rice flour was used to strengthen some of the bricks that make up the Great Wall of China -Research has indicated that a tie that is on too tight can increase the risk of glaucoma in men -Each year all of the Hostess bakeries combined bake 500 million Twinkies a year. (A twinkie is a sponge cake with a creamy filling.) -Charlie Chaplin once lost a contest for a Charlie Chaplin look a like -Pluto is the only planet in our solar system that has not been visited by a spacecraft -The worlds tallest free fall rollercoaster is The Giant Drop located in Australia. The drops is 120 meters which is equivalent to a 39 storey building -Stalks of sugar cane can reach up to 30 feet -The markings that are found on dice are called "pips." -Joseph Gayetty is credited for inventing toilet paper in 1857. Unfortunately, his invention failed and did not catch on until ten years later -A newly hatched fish is called a "fry." -The music band UB40 got its name from an unemployment form in England -The Olympic Flame was introduced in 1928 in Amsterdam -The YKK on the zipper of your Levis stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the worlds largest zipper manufacturer -Armadillos can be housebroken -The material to build the Taj Mahal was brought in from various parts of India by a fleet of 1000 elephants -Medical research has found substances in mistletoe that can slow down tumor growth -In the USA, 32% of employees eat lunch and work at the same time -In Alabama, it is against the law to wear a fake mustache that could cause laughter in the church -In the United States, more than 4.2 million couples live together that are not married -Bill Gates house was partially designed using a Macintosh computer. new -The male howler monkey of Central and South America is the noisiest land animal, which can be heard clearly from a distance of ten miles away -Nerve cells can travel as fast as 120 metres per second -It is said that grapefruit got its name because it grows like grapes in clusters. One cluster can have up to 25 grapefruits -Abdul Kassam Ismael, Grand Vizier of Persia in the tenth century, carried his library with him wherever he went. Four hundred camels carried the 117,000 volumes -An average adult produces about half a litre of flatulent gas per day, resulting in an average of about fourteen occurrences of flatulence a day -Maine is the toothpick capital of the world -Peanut butter is an effective way to to remove chewing gum from hair or clothes -The longest kiss on record lasted 30 hours and 45 minutes. Dror Orpaz and Carmit Tsubara recorded it on April 5, 1999 at a kissing contest held in Tel Aviv, Israel -The most expensive perfume in the world is Parfum VI, which was made by Arthur Burnham. A 4 inch bottle which is covered with diamonds and 24-carat gold costs $71,380 -If Wal-Mart was classified as a country, it would be the 24th most productive country in the world -Cimeti?re du P?re Lachaise located in Paris is the most visited cemetery in the world. The cemetery opened in 1805 and has over one million people buried there, including rock star Jim Morrison -In Australia, a dust-devil is called a "willy-willy -The Leaning Tower of Pisa is 58.36 metres above the ground -Americans write approximately 50 billion checks a year making it the second most frequent payment method used after cash -The name "Snickers" for the popular candy bar was named after a horse that the Mars family owned -The #1 peanut producing state is Georgia -Keeping Warm With an Axe, is the title of a real how-to book. Click Here For More Details -An artificial Christmas tree last up to six years in a home -Women are four times more likely to have foot problems than men -In 1783, the hot air balloon was invented in France. -There was an army general during the Liberia Civil War who used to lead his army into battle naked. His nickname was "General Butt Naked." Joshua Milton Blahyi (his real name) is now an evangelical preacher in Monrovia -There are no two zebras who have stripes that are exactly the same -The Angel Falls in Venezuela were named after an American pilot, Jimmy Angel, whose plane got stuck on top of the mountain while searching for gold -Lake Ontario was originally named Lake St. Louis -Actor John Travolta was offered the role of Billy Flynn many times for the movie "Chicago." Richard Gere ended up playing the role -The Canadian province of New Brunswick had a bloodless war with the US state of Maine in 1839 -There are more than 2,400 flea species in the world -Ninety-nine percent of pumpkins sold in the United States are for the sole purpose of decoration -David McConnell started the California Perfume Company (CPC) in 1886. Today the company is known as Avon, which he named after his favorite playwright William Shakespeare, and Stratford on Avon -Americans did not commonly use forks until after the Civil War -Chicago has the largest cookie factory, where Nabisco made over 4.6 billion "Oreo" cookies in 1997 -There was a post office on the Russian space station Mir. Visiting cosmonauts would use unique postal "markers" to stamp envelopes and other items as having flown aboard the Mir space station -In one day, 230 marriage licenses are issued in Las Vegas -Every second there are 418 Kit Kat fingers eaten in the world -The Great Comet of 1843 had a tail that was over 300 kilometres long. -The dumbest dog in the world is the Afghan Hounds -There are no blossoms on the branches of a fig tree, instead it is inside the fruit -The largest chicken egg ever laid weighed a pound and had a double yolk and shell -Billiards used to be so popular at one time that cigarette cards were issued featuring players -Chewing gum has rubber as an ingredient -An orca whale can hold its breath for up to 15 minutes -Alexander the Great was an epileptic -Wood frogs can be frozen solid and then thawed, and continue living. They use the glucose in their body to protect their vital organs while they are in a frozen state -Canadians eat more Kraft Dinner (Macaroni and Cheese) per capita than any other country in the world -In a day, a mature oak tree can draw approximately 50 gallons of water -The reason why bubble gum is pink is because the inventor only had pink colouring left. Ever since then, the colour of bubble gum has been predominantly pink -Emilio Marco Palma was the first person born in Antarctica in 1978 -A top freestyle swimmer achieves a speed of only 4 miles per hour. Fish, in contrast, have been clocked at 68 mph -Every single hamster in the United States today comes from a single litter captured in Syria in 1930 -Research on pigs led to the development of CAT scans. -The Hundred Years War lasted for 116 years -Some dolphins can swim up to 40 kilometers an hour -In the last 30 years, only seven people have been killed by a polar bear in Canada -The longest U.S. highway is Route 20, which is over 3,365 miles -The largest LEGO castle that was ever built was built with 400,000 LEGO bricks and was 4.45 m x 5.22 m -In the U.S. there are approximately 65.8 million cats -One of the steepest main streets in Canada is located in Saint John, New Brunswick. Over a distance of two blocks the street rises about 80 feet -Avery Laser Labels are named after company founder R. Stanton Avery -On September 9, 1950 dubbed laughter was used for the first time on television. It was used for the sitcom "The Hank McCune Show." -A violin actually contains 70 separate pieces of wood -The human heart can create enough pressure that it could squirt blood at a distance of thirty feet -One out of four American households own a cat -Queen Lydia Liliuokalani was the last reigning monarch of the Hawaiian Islands. She was also the only Queen the United States ever had -Every day 2,700 people die of heart disease -There are 10 million bacteria at the place where you rest your hands at a desk -The quills of a porcupine are soft when they are born -An average American child watches approximately 28 hours of television in one week -The A.A. Milne character of Winnie the Pooh made his animated film debut in 1966 in Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree -People have the tendency to chew the food on the side that they most often use their hand -Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country -The Lemon shark grows about 24,000 new teeth a year. A new set of teeth grow approximately every 14 days -One billion seconds is about 32 years -An average American eats approximately 60 hot dogs per year -The water displacement product, WD-40, can be found in 80% of American homes -Dexter is the smallest type of cow. This cow was bred to be a small size for household living -As part of the original design, the names of 72 French scientists and other famous people is imprinted on the sides of the Eiffel tower -Thirty to 40 gallons of sugar maple sap must be boiled down to make just one gallon of maple syrup -A seven year old boy was the first person to survive the Horeshoe Falls (Niagara Falls) in just a life jacket -The longest punt return for a touchdown was 103 yards -The most popular Hot Wheels vehicle sold is the Corvette -The slowest growing finger nail is on the thumb nail and the fastest growing is the finger nail on the middle finger -Flu shots only work about 70% of the time -People of Salt Lake City eat the most lime-flavoured gelatin Jell-O in the United States -In a survey conducted in 2000 by Kimberly-Clark, it was found that men prefer to fold their toilet paper, and women like to wad it -On average, a person has two million sweat glands -France, Switzerland, United Kingdom, Greece, and Australia have always been in the modern Olympics since it began in 1896 -The longer white infants from low-income families are breast-fed, the less likely they will be overweight as young children, researchers said on Monday -The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is one of the few places in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane -The most popular treat for Halloween trick-or-treaters are candy bars with Snickers being the most popular -Corned beef got its name because this beef was preserved with pellets of salt that were the size of corn kernels, which was also referred to as "corns" of salt -In 1908, the first machine to make lollipops opened for business in New Haven, Connecticut -In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary named Jannene Swift officially married a fifty pound rock. More than twenty people witnessed the ceremony -The most diners per capita in the world are located in the U.S. state New Jersey -In Denmark, people eat about 36 pounds of candy a year. The highest consumption of candy of any country -John Van Wormer invented paper milk cartons after dropping a bottle of milk one morning. The bottle broke spilling the milk everywhere. That annoyance was enough for Van Wormer to come up with the idea. -The long fibres that are found in bananas are excellent in making paper. The long fibres that are found in the banana plant can make the banana fibre paper approximately 3000 times stronger than regular paper -The state of Tennessee was known as Franklin before 1796 -Over 90% of poison exposures occur in homes -Honolulu, Hawaii boasts the only royal palace in the United States of America -Seven asteroids were especially named for the Challenger astronauts who were killed in the 1986 failed launch of the space shuttle -Americans consumed more than twenty billion hot dogs in 2000 -The production of toilet paper in China began in 1391, which was used for the Emperors -The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yorewhen the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on theground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. -It would take approximately twenty-four trees that are on average six to eight inches in diameter to produce one ton of newsprint for the Sunday edition of the New York Times -Every year, kids in North America spend close to half a billion dollars on chewing gum -The tuatara lizard of New Zealand has three eyes, two in the center of its head and one on the top of its head -The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people -The largest number of children born to one woman, who was a Russian peasant is 69 -In a lifetime, an average driver will release approximately 912 pints of wind inside a car -The loss of eyelashes is referred to as madarosis -Approximately 75% of human poop is made of water -The popular chocolate bar "Three Musketeers" got its name because when it was first introduced in 1932 there were three individual bars. The flavours were strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla -Every photograph of the first American atomic bomb detonation was taken by Harold Edgerton -Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year -In 1864, A Quebec farmer found a frog inside a hailstone -Actor Sylvester Stallone once had a job as a lion cage cleaner -The first time there was an instance where they had a separate toilet for women and men was in 1739 at a ball in Paris -In the marriage ceremony of the Ancient Inca Indians of Peru, the couple was considered officially wed when they took off their sandals and handed them to each other -Some birds have been know to put ants into their feathers because the ants squirt formic acid, which kills parasites -On average, 42,000 balls are used and 650 matches are played at the annual Wimbledon tennis tournament -The WD in WD-40 stands for Water Displacer -Lachanophobia is the fear of vegetables -Lake Baikal, in Siberia, is the deepest lake in the world -In the Middle Ages, peacocks and swans were sometimes served at Christmas dinners -India has the most post offices in the world -Women take three times longer than men when using the toilet -In America, approximately 25% of kids aged 6-14 have a magaznie subscription -Canada has more donut shops per capita than the United States -In 1886, Coca-cola was first served at a pharmacy in Atlanta, Georgia for only five cents a glass. A pharmacist named John Pemberton created the formula for Coca-cola -75% of all raisins eaten by people in the United States are eaten at breakfast -Whale oil was used in some car transmissions until 1973 -Flamingos are able to fly at a speed of approximately 55 kilometers an hour. In one night they can travel about 600 km -1 out of every 4 kids in the USA is overweight -"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo -In 1903, there were originally only eight Crayola crayons in a box and they sold for five cents -Men are able to read fine print better than women can -On average, 150 couples get married in Las Vegas each day -Spiders usually have eight eyes, but still they cannot see that well -One ragweed plant can release as many as a million grains of pollen in one day -The Central African raffia palm is known to have the longest leaves. The leaves can measure up to 82.5 feet long. -Due to the shortages of lead and metals during World War II, toothpaste was packaged in plastic tubes and have been ever since -It is estimated that 93% of American children will go out trick or treating for Halloween -In humans, the epidermal layer of skin, which consists of many layers of skin regenerates every 27 days -A group of crows is called a murder -Ellen Macarthur, yachtswoman, had a total of 891 naps in 94 days that were each 36 minutes long while on her Vendee Round the Globe yacht race -Davao City, located at the Southern state of Philippines, is the largest city in the world in terms of area -Castaways Travel, a Houston-area travel agency, offers an all-nude flight to Cancun Mexico. Once the plane reaches cruising altitude, you are allowed to take off all your clothes and roam about the cabin -People generally read 25% slower from a computer screen compared to paper -Certain female species of spiders such as the Australian crab spider, sacrifice their bodies as a food source for their offspring -One grape vine produce can produce about 20 to 30 glasses of wine -The TV show "Saturday Night Live" made its debut on October 11, 1975 -In a pack of Skittles candy, there is an equal 20% distribution of each flavour -The Hubble telescope is so powerful that it is like pointing a beam of light at a dime that is two hundred miles away. -The word "umbrella" is derived from the Latin root word "umbra", which means shade or shadow -An ear of corn consists of 80% water -Leonardo Da Vinci never signed or dated his most famous painting, the Mona Lisa -Every day, over five billion gallons of water are flushed down toilets in the United States -In one trip, a honey bee visits about 75 flowers -Barney, the famous dinosaur that entertains kids is from Dallas -Jupiter is the fastest rotating planet, which can complete one revolution in less than ten hours -A chicken loses its feathers when it becomes stressed -Sharks are immune to cancer -Manicuring the nails has been done by people for more than 4,000 years -Approximately 1 billion stamps are produced in Australia annually -The study of the iris of the eye is called iridology -The word Cotton originates from the Arabic word "Qutun." -In 1946, the New York Yankees became the first baseball team to travel by plane -Mummy powder was once thought to be a cure for all remedies. English men used to carry the powder with them in a tiny bag wherever they went -By recycling just one glass bottle, the amount of energy that is being saved is enough to light a 100 watt bulb for four hours -Slinkys were invented by an airplane mechanic; he was playing with engine parts and realized the possible secondary use of one of the springs -The most popular brand of raisins is Sunmaid -Estuarine crocodiles are the biggest of all 26 species of the crocodilian family -Alaska got its name from the Aluet word "Alyeska" which means "The Great Land." -The Mall of America, located in Bloomington, Minnesota is so big that it can hold 24,336 school buses -Every second, 630 steel cans are recycled -The word witch comes from the word "wicca" which translates to the "wise one." -In the United States, poisoning is the fourth leading cause of death among children -Surveys indicate that the number one reason people play BINGO is for leisure -In 1916, Charlie Chaplin was making $10,000 a week, making him the highest paid actor of his time -Annually, an Australian eats 15 kg of bananas, which comes out to 27 meters of bananas -The largest stamp was issued by China and measured 210 x 65 mm -The best selling Crayola crayon box is the set of 24 crayons -People that smoke have 10 times as many wrinkles as a person that does not smoke -The name of the character that is behind bars in the Monopoly board game is Jake the Jailbird -In Colorado, there are about 83,000 dairy cows -Just by recycling one aluminum can, enough energy would be saved to have a TV run for three hours. -The first telephone call from the White House was from Rutherford Hayes to Alexander Graham Bell -A glockenspiel is a musical instrument that is like a xylophone. It has a series of metal bars and is played with two hammers -Diamonds were first discovered in the riverbeds of the Golconda region of India over 4,000 years ago. -French artist, Michel Vienkot, uses cow dung as paint when he creates his pictures -There are 122 pebbles per square inch on a Spalding basketball -The seventeenth president of the United States, Andrew Johnson did not know how to read until he was 17 years old -Bhutan issued a stamp in 1973 that looked like a record and actually would play the Bhutanese national anthem if placed on a record player -Asparagus comes in three colors: green, white and purple -Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, JohnHancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, butthe last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. -A cubic yard of air weighs about 2 pounds at sea level. -Pancakes are served for breakfast, lunch and dinner in Australia -A lion feeds once every three to four days -Chedder cheese is the best selling cheese in the USA -In the movie "The Matrix Reloaded" a 17 minute battle scene cost over $40 million to produce -According to research, Los Angeles highways are so congested that the average commuter sits in traffic for 82 hours a year -Over one million Pet Rocks were sold in 1975, makine Gary Dahl, of Los Gatos, California, a millionaire. He got the idea while joking with friends about his pet that was easy to take care of, which was a rock -The game Monopoly has been played by approximately 500 million people in the world, and the game is available in 26 languages -The dragonfly has not changed over the last 300 million years -Cotton crops can be sprayed up to 40 times a year making it the most chemical-intensive crop in the world -The "Star Spangled Banner" did not become a national anthem until 1931. It was designated by an Act of Congress -Every year in the U.S., there are 178,000 new cases of lung cancer -On average, the American household consumes six pounds of peanut butter annually -A housefly can only ingest liquid material. They regurgitate their food to liquify the food that they are going to eat -Bugs Bunny was originally called "Happy Rabbit." -In 1685, New France used playing cards as currency because of the shortage of coins -Sharks have upper and lower eyelids, but they do not blink -The size of a red blood cell is 708 microns. This is equivalent to one millionth of a meter -In 1657, the first chocolate house was opened in London, England. The cost of chocolate was about 13 shillings per pound and was a drink that only the elite enjoyed -In the movie "Gandhi" 300,000 extras appeared in the funeral scene. Of the 300,000, approximately 100,000 received a small fee, and the other 200,000 did it for free -O.J. Simpson had a severe case of rickets and wore leg braces when he was a child -The majority of cats do not have any eyelashes -The hottest chili in the world is the Tezpur chili pepper -Over half the textile fibers that are used in the world are cotton -You can send a postcard from Hell. There is a small town located in the Cayman Islands called "Hell." They even have a post office -The property (ID, Facts) VALUES on the Monopoly game board are the same today as they were in 1935 -The song "Happy Birthday" brings in about $2 million in licensing revenue to Warner Communications who hold the copyright to the song -Ed Cox from San Francisco invented the pot scrubbing S.O.S. pads in 1917. His wife came up with the name, which stands for "Save Our Saucepans." -Another word for hiccups is "singultus." -Better wine can be produced by the soil being of poor quality. This is because the vines have to "work" harder -A white tiger can only be born when both parents carry the gene for white colouring -Lipogram refers to writing that does not have certain letter or letters -In October 1986, Pepsi paid close to $840 million to Nabisco for the Kentucky Fried Chicken empire -Edinburgh has more booksellers per head of population than any other city in Britain -The most common rock on Earth is basalt -The papaya tree is known as "the medicinal tree" in some cultures because it?s seeds and leaves have been used as ingredients in different medicines -In one gram of soil, about ten million bacteria live in it -When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone back in 1876, only six phones were sold in the first month. -Americans eat approximately 20 pounds of pasta per person each year -Minnows have teeth located on a bone in their throat -Japan uses the most energy per year than any other country. -Over 436,000 U.S. Troops were exposed to depleted uranium during the first Gulf war -Approximately two gallons of water are used to brush your teeth -Two-thirds of Canadians live in Quebec and Ontario -The first television show to show any portion of a toilet was on "Leave it to Beaver." After fighting for ten weeks to show the toilet, CBS would only allow the producers to show the toilet tank, and not the whole toilet -German immigrant, Louis Prang was the first to bring Christmas cards to America -In total, Americans eat more than 45 billion sandwiches each year, while sales of custom-made sandwiches are rising 15 percent per year -Ninety percent of the population has an innie belly button -The fear of Halloween is called Samhainophobia -In France, the Big Dipper is called the "casserole." -The first African-American to receive a Nobel Peace Prize was Ralph J. Bunche in 1950 -Dolphins can swim and sleep at the same time -Of all the golfers in Canada, 71.4% golfers are male, 28.6% are female -Research indicates that babies who suck on pacifiers are more prone to ear aches -In 1917, Margaret Sanger was jailed for one month for establishing the first birth control clinic -Iguanas can recognize their human handlers and greet them differently, compared with strangers -Being lactose intolerant can cause chronic flatulence -Some of the titles that were considered for the hit T.V. show "Friends" were Six Of One, Across the Hall, and Insomnia Cafe -The only bone fully grown at birth is located in the ear -The incidents of immune system diseases has increased over 200% in the last five years -"dous":tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous -Bananas contain a natural chemical which can make a person happy. This same chemical is found in Prozac -The only desert in Canada is located in Osoyoos, British Columbia -The city of Seoul has been the capital city of Korea for more than 600 years -Romans used to believe that walnuts could cure head ailments during the Renaissance, since their shape was similar to that of a brain -There are coffee flavored PEZ -Half of the 42 U.S. Presidents are of Irish descent -The General Lee cars used in the popular show The Dukes of Hazards were 1969 Dodge Chargers -The word "limelight" that is used in theatre to refer to the performers on the stage originated because before electricity was available lime was burned in a lamp, which created a white light that was directed at the performers -In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry ice cream in your back pocket -In 1988, the largest ice cream sundae in history was made. It was made in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, and weighed in at over 24 tons -Sports Illustrated has the largest sports magazine circulation -There are some hospitals in Shanghai that have issued a rule that a nurse must wear lipstick while on duty -Thirteen percent of the human population reside in deserts -There are more chickens than people in the world -In 1958, the Crayola crayon color "Prussian Blue" was changed to "Midnight Blue" by the request of teachers as kids could not relate to Prussian history -Americans on average use about 580 pounds of paper per year per person -Wild turkeys can run at speeds of up to 25 miles per hour -Annually, fires that occur at home kill more Americans than all natural disasters combined -The only sound Seahorses make is a small clicking or popping sound during feeding or courtship -The Baltimore Orioles opened the 1988 baseball season by losing the first 21 games and 107 altogether for the entire season -Border collies are the most intelligent breed of dog -Coca-Cola used to contain cocaine when it was initially introduced -All the Krispy Kreme donut stores collectively could make a doughnut stack as high as the Empire State Building in only 2 minutes -Pepsi originally contained pepsin, (the same stuff in pepcid AC) thus the name -The first letter Vanna White ever turned on the game show Wheel of Fortune was the letter "T." -Harley Proctor got the idea to name the soap "Ivory" while he was listening to a bible reading at a church in 1879 -The average American drinks 400 glasses of milk in a year -Canada beat Denmark 47-0 at the 1949 world hockey championships. -Each Jelly Belly jelly belly bean has 4 calories -Kissing can aid in reducing tooth decay. This is because the extra saliva helps in keeping the mouth clean -There is a place called Hell, Michigan. It is about 50 miles from Detroit, Michigan -In 1929, the Coca-Cola slogan was "The Pause That Refreshes." -Bamboo plants can grow up to 36 inches in a day. -Since the United Nations was founded in 1945, there have been 140 wars -Goat meat contains up to 45 percent less saturated fat than chicken meat -Chef Boyardee is actually a real person. His real name is Hector Boiardi and he was born in northern Italy in 1898 -Bill Bowerman, the co-founder of the shoe company Nike, got his first shoe idea after staring at a waffle iron. This gave him the idea of using squared spikes to make the shoes lighter -In 1989, the space shuttle Discovery carried 32 fertilized chicken eggs into orbit -The most recycled product in the world is the automobile. -Before the 17th century, carrots used to be the colour purple -William Taft who was the U.S. president between 1909-1913 once got stuck in the White House bathtub -If all the Oreo cookies ever sold were stacked on top of one another, they would be as high as 13.3 million Sears Towers -Ancient Egyptians kissed with their noses instead of with their lips -Krispy Kreme make five million doughnut a day -There were no red colored M&Ms from 1976 to 1987 -There are over 600 different pasta shapes -Some people start to sneeze if they are exposed to sunlight or have a light shined into their eye -In 1989, twenty-three people were hired in Jacksonville Florida just to flush toilets so the pipes would not freeze -Lake Baikal is the oldest freshwater lake on Earth, having formed between 20 and 25 million years ago -From 1939 to 1942, there was a undersea post office in the Bahamas -Atlantic salmon can jump as high as 4.5 meters out of the water -Although the outsides of a bone are hard, they are generally light and soft inside. They are about 75% water -Each nostril of a human being register smell in a different way. Smells that are made from the right nostril are more pleasant than the left. However, smells can be detected more accurately when made by the left nostril -Children who are breast fed tend to have an IQ seven points higher than children who are not -There are no ants in Iceland, Antarctica and Greenland -In the United States, approximately 135 million cars travel every day on the streets, roads, and interstates. -A salmon with two mouths, two sets of teeth and two tongues was caught by Bob Bateman of Canada -There is a "cemetery town" in California named Colma. Concerns about the public health, crime, and the need for space forced the city of San Francisco to outlaw burials in 1902. The city of Colma, which is five miles south of San Francisco, was established to bury the dead. The ratio of dead to living people is 750 to 1 -The most reproduced image in the world is Mickey Mouse, which can be found on over 7,500 different items -On average a person passes gas 14 times a day -Vasaloppet, which is located in Sweden is the oldest, longest, and the biggest cross-country ski race in the world. Every year, 14,000 people compete in the race -The clown fish has the ability to change its sex. If a breeding female dies, the male fish will change its sex and mate with another male -Bats sleep during the day and feed at night. The place that bats sleep in is called the "roost." -The puma and the leopard are the highest jumping mammals. They are able to reach a height of 16.5 feet -The chances of getting a cavity is higher if candy is eaten slowly throughout the day compared to eating it all at once and then brushing your teeth -On average, a car driver will swear or blashpheme 32,025 times in their lifetime while driving -The average ear grows 0.01 inches in length every year -The first penny candy to be wrapped in America was the Tootsie Roll in 1896 -Male owls weigh less and are smaller than female owls -The city of Las Vegas has the most hotel rooms in the world -Cows drink anywhere from 25-50 gallons of water each day -In the United Kingdom, three million people play bingo every year -Every square inch of the human body has about 19,000,000 skin cells -In 1994, 7-Eleven coined the term "brain freeze." The word was developed to explain the feeling people get when drinking a Slurpee. -A swordfish can live as long as 25 years and weigh up to 1,200 pounds -Due to eating habits in the USA, one in three children born in the year 2000 have a chance of getting type II diabetes -Each honeycomb in Honeycomb cereal has seven holes -The Nile river is 6,690 kilometers long -By law, information collected in a U.S. census must remain confidential for seventy-two years -Eighty percent of 10 year old girls in the USA go on a diet -97% of all paper money in the US contains traces of cocaine -The name "Grey Poupon" used for mustard comes from two people: Maurice Grey and Auguste Poupon. Grey was the inventor of a machine that mass produced fine textured mustard, and Poupon was an already established maker of mustard. In 1886 the Grey-Poupon firm was formed -The Faberge, "Winter Egg" was sold in 1994 for $5.6 million. This is the most expensive decorative egg that has ever been sold -The name "Tonka" trucks was named after Lake Minnetonka located in Minnesota. Tonka means "great" in Sioux -Turkeys have a wingspan of approximately 4.5 feet -The first music video ever played on MTV Europe was by Dire Straits, "Money For Nothing." -Arnold Palmer was the first player to win $1 million on the PGA Tour -Three years after a person quits smoking, there chance of having a heart attack is the same as someone who has never smoked before -In a year, the average Americans eats approximately 18 pounds of Turkey -The household wrench was invented by boxing heavyweight champion Jack Johnson in 1922 -Squids move through the ocean using a jet of water forced out of the body by a siphon -Back in 1796, dimes were called dismes -Pilgrims did not eat with forks. They only used spoons, knives and their fingers -The average human has about 20 square feet of skin weighing about 6 pounds -Mass murderer Charles Manson recorded an album titled "Lie." -On average, each American consumes approximately two hundred and sixty pounds of meat in a year -The term "The Big Apple" was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930s who used the slang expression "apple" for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple -The United States has paved enough roads to circle the Earth over 150 times. -Decaffeinated coffee is not 100% caffeine free. When coffee is being decaffeinated, 2% of the caffeine still remains in it -Sales of antacids increase by as much as 20% the day after the Superbowl -Automobile building is the largest manufacturing industry in the world. -Polar bears can eat as much as ten percent of their body weight in less than one hour -Marlboro was the first cigarette company to market a cigarette that had a red filter called "beauty tip." This was done to hide the lipstick marks left on the filter from women smokers -In Japan, the number four is considered to be unlucky because the Japanese word for four sounds very similar to the word death -The life expectancy of a $100 bill is nine years -The words moron, imbecile, and idiot are not interchangable. The one with the highest level of intelligence is a moron, followed, by an imbecile, and then idiot -Anise is the scent on the artificial rabbit that is used in greyhound races -The first known American novelist to hand in a manuscript that was typed was Mark Twain. His typewriter was a Remington No.1, which was invented by Christopher Sholes and Carlos Glidden. -The city of Nottingham in England was the first city to have Braille signs (signs for the blind) in its shopping malls for the blind -The only woman that has appeared on a U.S. paper currency is Martha Washington -The name of the Taco Bell dog is Gidget -Each year approximately half of billions dollars is spent on bubble gum by the kids in North America -The number one cause of blindness in adults in the United States is diabetes -A drink used to be made by the Aztecs for the gods which had the ingredients of ground cocoa mixed in with spices and corn -In America, the most common mental illness is Anxiety Disorders -The stage were the television sitcom "Friends" is shot on is said to be haunted -Gases that build up in your large intestine cause flatulence. It usually takes about 30 to 45 minutes for these gases to pass through your system -The largest earthworm on record was found in South Africa and measured 22 feet -Whooping cranes are born with blue eyes that change to bright gold by the time they six months old -Belize is the only country in the world with a jaguar preserve -Tomatos were once referred to as "love apples." This is because their was a superstition that people would fall in love by eating them -The American Kestrel hawk weighs only four ounces -A 27 year old heir to a sausage empire was handed a ticket for 116,000 pounds for driving at 80 km/hr in a 40 km/hr zone. This is because the speeding tickets in Finland are based on how much money a person makes -In China, pancakes are generally served as side dishes. They are stuffed with meat, bean sprouts, and other vegetables -93% of all greeting cards are purchased by women -Paper money is not made from wood pulp but from cotton. This means that it will not disintegrate as fast if it is put in the laundry -The most deadly fires that occur in the home happen between 6pm and 10pm -There are over 200 parts in a typical telephone -There is an automobile model called Stutz Bearcat. -If you were standing on Mercury, the Sun would appear 2.5 times larger than it appears from Earth -The water inside of a coconut is identical to human blood plasma. Many lives in third world countries have been saved from coconut water fed through an IV -The least likely day to eat out in the United States is Monday -Little Miss Muffet was a girl from the 16th century whose name was really Patience -In 1978, the World Water Speed record was made by Ken Warby from Australia. His average speed was 317.6 mph, and his jet-powered hydroplane was 27 feet long called "Spirit of Australia." Warby built the boat himself in his back yard -Chameleons can move their eyes independently. One eye can be looking forward and one eye backward at the same time -Over 90% of diseases are caused or complicated by stress -In 1953, racecar driver Tim Flock raced at Nascar with a monkey in the seat beside him -Taipan snakes have 50 times more toxic than a cobra snake -Influenza caused over twenty-one million deaths in 1918 -English sailors were referred to as "limeys" because sailors added lime juice to their diet to combat scurvy -Ukrainian people celebrate Christmas on January 7th, which is the Orthodox Christmas Day -Gorillas are considered apes, not monkeys. The way to distinguish between an ape and a monkey is that apes do not have tails -Early Romans used to use porcupine quills as toothpicks -The longest human beard on record is 17.5 feet, held by Hans N. Langseth who was born in Norway in 1846 -Honey is used sometimes for antifreeze mixtures and in the center of golf balls -The size of a raindrop is around 0.5 mm - 2.5 mm, and they fall from the sky on average 21 feet per second. -In the United States, the first cookbook was published in 1796 and it contained a recipes for watermelon rind pickles -The word "walkman" was included in the Oxford English Dictionary in 1986 -A headache and inflammatory pain can be reduced by eating 20 tart cherries -There is an area located off the south-eastern Atlantic coast of the United States called the "Bermuda Triangle." It is known for a high rate of unexplained losses of ships, small boats, and aircraft, which has led some people to believe that this triangle has supernatural powers -State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska -Some toothpastes and deodorants contain the same chemicals found in antifreeze -The Shroud of Turin is the single most studied artifact in human history -Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie; 2) Poodle; 3) Golden retriever -Humpback whales are capable of living up to 95 years -The 1912, a wrestling match in Stockholm between Finn Alfred Asikainen and Russian Martin Klein lasted more than 11 hours. Klein eventually won, but was to tired to participate in the championship match -Manitoulin Island is the largest island in a fresh water lake. It is located in Canadian Lake Superior -The Chinese politician Mao Zedong refused to ever brush his teeth and instead just washed his mouth with tea -The Super Bowl is broadcast to over 182 countries in the world -In 1884, Dr. Hervey D. Thatcher invented the milk bottle. -Some Ribbon worm will eat themselves if they cannot find food. This type of worm can still survive after eating up to 95% of its body weight -Singer Chaka Khan came out with a line of chocolates called "Chakalates." -In a day 34,000 children die every day from causes that are related to poverty and hunger -The speed of light is generally rounded down to 186,000 miles per second. In exact terms it is 299,792,458 m/s. -October 12th, 1999 was declared "The Day of Six Billion" based on United Nations projections. -10 percent of all human beings ever born are alive at this very moment. -The Earth spins at 1,000 mph but it travels through space at an incredible 67,000 mph. -Every year over one million earthquakes shake the Earth. -When Krakatoa erupted in 1883, its force was so great it could be heard 4,800 kilometres away in Australia. -The largest ever hailstone weighed over 1kg and fell in Bangladesh in 1986. -Every year lightning kills 1000 people. -In October 1999 an Iceberg the size of London broke free from the Antarctic ice shelf . -If you could drive your car straight up you would arrive in space in just over an hour. -Human tapeworms can grow up to 22.9m. -The Earth is 4.56 billion years old...the same age as the Moon and the Sun. -The dinosaurs became extinct before the Rockies or the Alps were formed. -Female black widow spiders eat their males after mating. -When a flea jumps, the rate of acceleration is 20 times that of the space shuttle during launch. -If our Sun were just inch in diameter, the nearest star would be 445 miles away. -The Australian billygoat plum contains 100 times more vitamin C than an orange. -Astronauts cannot belch – there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs. -The air at the summit of Mount Everest, 29,029 feet is only a third as thick as the air at sea level. -One million, million, million, million, millionth of a second after the Big Bang the Universe was the size of a ...pea. -DNA was first discovered in 1869 by Swiss Friedrich Mieschler. -The molecular structure of DNA was first determined by Watson and Crick in 1953. -The first synthetic human chromosome was constructed by US scientists in 1997. -The thermometer was invented in 1607 by Galileo. -Englishman Roger Bacon invented the magnifying glass in 1250. -Alfred Nobel invented dynamite in 1866. -Wilhelm Rontgen won the first Nobel Prize for physics for discovering X-rays in 1895. -The tallest tree ever was an Australian eucalyptus – In 1872 it was measured at 435 feet tall. -Christian Barnard performed the first heart transplant in 1967 – the patient lived for 18 days. -An electric eel can produce a shock of up to 650 volts. -'Wireless' communications took a giant leap forward in 1962 with the launch of Telstar, the first satellite capable of relaying telephone and satellite TV signals. -The earliest wine makers lived in Egypt around 2300 BC. -The Ebola virus kills 4 out of every 5 humans it infects. -In 5 billion years the Sun will run out of fuel and turn into a Red Giant. -Giraffes often sleep for only 20 minutes in any 24 hours. They may sleep up to 2 hours (in spurts – not all at once), but this is rare. They never lie down. -Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas have 14 and crayfish have 200. -An individual blood cell takes about 60 seconds to make a complete circuit of the body. -Utopia ia a large, smooth lying area of Mars. -On the day that Alexander Graham Bell was buried the entire US telephone system was shut down for 1 minute in tribute. -The low frequency call of the humpback whale is the loudest noise made by a living creature. -The call of the humpback whale is louder than Concorde and can be heard from 500 miles away. -A quarter of the world's plants are threatened with extinction by the year 2010. -Each person sheds 40lbs of skin in his or her lifetime. -At 15 inches the eyes of giant squids are the largest on the planet. -The largest galexies contain a million, million stars. -The Universe contains over 100 billion galaxies. -Wounds infested with maggots heal quickly and without spread of gangrene or other infection. -More germs are transferred shaking hands than kissing. -The longest glacier in Antarctica, the Almbert glacier, is 250 miles long and 40 miles wide. -The fastest speed a falling raindrop can hit you is 18mph. -A healthy person has 6,000 million, million, million haemoglobin molecules. -A salmon-rich, low cholesterol diet means that Inuits rarely suffer from heart disease. -Inbreeding causes 3 out of every 10 Dalmation dogs to suffer from hearing disability. -The world's smallest winged insect, the Tanzanian parasitic wasp, is smaller than the eye of a housefly. -If the Sun were the size of a beach ball then Jupiter would be the size of a golf ball and the Earth would be as small as a pea. -It would take over an hour for a heavy object to sink 6.7 miles down to the deepest part of the ocean. -The grey whale migrates 12,500 miles from the Artic to Mexico and back every year. -Each rubber molecule is made of 65,000 individual atoms. -Around a million, billion neutrinos from the Sun will pass through your body while you read this sentence...and now they are already past the Moon. -Quasars emit more energy than 100 giant galaxies. -Quasars are the most distant objects in the Universe. -The saturn V rocket which carried man to the Moon develops power equivalent to fifty 747 jumbo jets. -Koalas sleep an average of 22 hours a day, two hours more than the sloth. -Light would take .13 seconds to travel around the Earth. -Neutron stars are so dense that a teaspoonful would weigh more than all the people on Earth. -One in every 2000 babies is born with a tooth. -Every hour the Universe expands by a billion miles in all directions. -Somewhere in the flicker of a badly tuned TV set is the background radiation from the Big Bang. -Even travelling at the speed of light it would take 2 million years to reach the nearest large galaxy, Andromeda. -The temperature in Antarctica plummets as low as -35 degrees celsius. -At over 2000 kilometres long The Great Barrier Reef is the largest living structure on Earth. -A thimbleful of a neutron star would weigh over 100 million tons. -The risk of being struck by a falling meteorite for a human is one occurence every 9,300 years. -The driest inhabited place in the world is Aswan, Egypt where the annual average rainfall is .02 inches. -The deepest part of any ocean in the world is the Mariana trench in the Pacific with a depth of 35,797 feet. -The largest meteorite craters in the world are in Sudbury, Ontario, canada and in Vredefort, South Africa. -The largest desert in the world, the Sahara, is 3,500,000 square miles. -The largest dinosaur ever discovered was Seismosaurus who was over 100 feet long and weighed up to 80 tonnes. -The African Elephant gestates for 22 months. -The short-nosed Bandicoot has a gestation period of only 12 days. -The mortality rate if bitten by a Black Mamba snake is over 95%. -In the 14th century the Black Death killed 75,000,000 people. It was carried by fleas on the black rat. -A dog's sense of smell is 1,000 times more sensitive than a humans. -A typical hurricane produces the nergy equivalent to 8,000 one megaton bombs. -90% of those who die from hurricanes die from drowning. -To escape the Earth's gravity a rocket need to travel at 7 miles a second. -If every star in the Milky Way was a grain of salt they would fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. -Microbial life can survive on the cooling rods of a nuclear reactor. -Micro-organisms have been brought back to life after being frozen in perma-frost for three million years. -Our oldest radio broadcasts of the 1930s have already travelled past 100,000 stars. -The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial. -President Kennedy was the fastest random speaker in the world with upwards of 350 words per minute. -Odontophobia is the fear of teeth. -In the early days of the telephone, operators would pick up a call and use the phrase, "Well, are you there?". It wasn't until 1895 that someone suggested answering the phone with the phrase "number please?" -The surface area of an average-sized brick is 79 cm squared. -Cats sleep 16 to 18 hours per day. -Karoke means "empty orchestra" in Japanese. -The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. -Rhode Island is the smallest state with the longest name. The official name, used on all state documents, is "Rhode Island and Providence Plantations." -When you die your hair still grows for a couple of months. -The newspaper serving Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, the home of Rocky and Bullwinkle, is the Picayune Intellegence. -It would take 11 Empire State Buildings, stacked one on top of the other, to measure the Gulf of Mexico at its deepest point. -The first person selected as the Time Magazine Man of the Year - Charles Lindbergh in 1927. -The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million. -It took Leo Tolstoy six years to write "War & Peace". -On the new hundred dollar bill the time on the clock tower of Independence Hall is 4:10. -Each of the suits on a deck of cards represents the four major pillars of the economy in the middle ages: heart represented the Church, spades represented the military, clubs represented agriculture, and diamonds represented the merchant class. -The names of the two stone lions in front of the New York Public Library are Patience and Fortitude. They were named by then-mayor Fiorello LaGuardia. -Lucy and Linus (who where brother and sister) had another little brother named Rerun. (He sometimes played left-field on Charlie Brown's baseball team, [when he could find it!]). -1 in 5,000 north Atlantic lobsters are born bright blue. -Henry Ford produced the model T only in black because the black paint available at the time was the fastest to dry. -Mario, of Super Mario Bros. fame, appeared in the 1981 arcade game, Donkey Kong. His original name was Jumpman, but was changed to Mario to honor the Nintendo of America's landlord, Mario Segali. -Women are 37% more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men are. -Diet Coke was only invented in 1982. -There are more than 1,700 references to gems and precious stones in the King James translation of the Bible. -American car horns beep in the tone of F. -Turning a clock's hands counterclockwise while setting it is not necessarily harmful. It is only damaging when the timepiece contains a chiming mechanism. -There are twice as many kangaroos in Australia as there are people. The kangaroo population is estimated at about 40 million. -Police dogs are trained to react to commands in a foreign language; commonly German but more recently Hungarian. -St. Stephen is the patron saint of bricklayers. -The average person makes about 1,140 telephone calls each year. -Stressed is Desserts spelled backwards. -If you had enough water to fill one million goldfish bowls, you could fill an entire stadium. -Mary Stuart became Queen of Scotland when she was only six days old. -Charlie Brown's father was a barber. -Flying from London to New York by Concord, due to the time zones crossed, you can arrive 2 hours before you leave. -Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet (2 m) away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. -You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV. -The largest number of children born to one woman is recorded at 69. From 1725-1765, a Russian peasant woman gave birth to 16 sets of twins, 7 sets of triplets, and 4 sets of quadruplets. -Beatrix Potter created the first of her legendary "Peter Rabbit" children's stories in 1902. -In ancient Rome, it was considered a sign of leadership to be born with a crooked nose. -The word "nerd" was first coined by Dr. Seuss in "If I Ran the Zoo." -A 41-gun salute is the traditional salute to a royal birth in Great Britain. -The bagpipe was originally made from the whole skin of a dead sheep. -The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear. Any cup-shaped object placed over the ear produces the same effect. -Revolvers cannot be silenced because of all the noisy gasses which escape the cylinder gap at the rear of the barrel. -Liberace Museum has a mirror-plated Rolls Royce; jewel-encrusted capes, and the largest rhinestone in the world, weighing 59 pounds and almost a foot in diameter. -A car that shifts manually gets 2 miles more per gallon of gas than a car with automatic shift. -Cats can hear ultrasound. -The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. -Paul Revere rode on a horse that belonged to Deacon Larkin. -Minus 40 degrees Celsius is exactly the same as minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit. -Nobody knows who built the Taj Mahal. The names of the architects, masons, and designers that have come down to us have all proved to be latter-day inventions, and there is no evidence to indicate who the real creators were. -Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell. -7.5 million toothpicks can be created from a cord of wood. -The earliest recorded case of a man giving up smoking was on April 5, 1679, when Johan Katsu, Sheriff of Turku, Finland, wrote in his diary "I quit smoking tobacco." He died one month later. -"Goodbye" came from "God bye" which came from "God be with you." -February is Black History Month. -Jane Barbie was the woman who did the voice recordings for the Bell System. -The first drive-in service station in the United States was opened by Gulf Oil Company - on December 1, 1913, in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. -The elephant is the only animal with 4 knees. -Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights. -Dogs have four toes on their hind feet, and five on their front feet. -Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. -The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000. -The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/two communications) -111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 -If you spell out consecutive numbers, you have to go up to one thousand until you would find the letter "a" -If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom. -In the TV series I Love Lucy, Ricki Ricardo never actually said "Lucy you have some 'splaining to do" -The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. -Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. -Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% -Cost of raising a medium-sized dog to the age of 11: £4000 -If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. -If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. -If you keep your eyes open by force when you sneeze, you might pop an eyeball out. -In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders. -Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow. -A crocodile can't move its tongue and cannot chew. Its digestive juices are so strong that it can digest a steel nail. -A person can live without food for about a month, but only about a week without water. -If the amount of water in your body is reduced by just 1%, you'll feel thirsty. -If it's reduced by 10%, you'll die. -Ethernet is a registered trademark of Xerox, Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T. -Bill Gates' first business was Traff-O-Data, a company that created machines which recorded the number of cars passing a given point on a road. -Uranus' orbital axis is tilted at 90 degrees. -Outside the USA, Ireland is the largest software producing country in the world. -The first fossilized specimen of Australopithecus afarenisis was named Lucy after the paleontologists' favorite song "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," by the Beatles. -Figlet, an ASCII font converter program, stands for Frank, Ian and Glenn's LETters. -Every year about 98% of atoms in your body are replaced. -Hot water is heavier than cold. -Plutonium – first weighed on August 20th, 1942, by University of Chicago scientists Glenn Seaborg and his colleagues – was the first man-made element. -If you went out into space, you would explode before you suffocated because there's no air pressure. -The radioactive substance, Americanium – 241 is used in many smoke detectors. -Sound travels 15 times faster through steel than through the air. -On average, half of all false teeth have some form of radioactivity. -Only one satellite has been ever been destroyed by a meteor: the European Space Agency's Olympus in 1993. -A chip of silicon a quarter-inch square has the capacity of the original 1949 ENIAC computer, which occupied a city block. -At a jet plane's speed of 1,000 km (620mi) per hour, the length of the plane becomes one atom shorter than its original length. -Western Electric successfully brought sound to motion pictures and introduced systems of mobile communications which culminated in the cellular telephone. -On December 23, 1947, Bell Telephone Laboratories in Murray Hill, N.J., held a secret demonstration of the transistor which marked the foundation of modern electronics. -Ostriches are often not taken seriously. They can run faster than horses, and the males can roar like lions. -Seals used for their fur get extremely sick when taken aboard ships. -Sloths take two weeks to digest their food. -Guinea pigs and rabbits can't sweat. -According to the Wall Street Journal, the cockfighting market is huge: The Philippines has five million roosters used for exactly that. -The porpoise is second to man as the most intelligent animal on the planet. -Young beavers stay with their parents for the first two years of their lives before going out on their own. -Skunks can accurately spray their smelly fluid as far as ten feet. -Deer can't eat hay. -Gopher snakes in Arizona are not poisonous, but when frightened they may hiss and shake their tails like rattlesnakes. -On average, dogs have better eyesight than humans, although not as colorful. -The duckbill platypus can store as many as six hundred worms in the pouches of its cheeks. -The lifespan of a squirrel is about nine years. -North American oysters do not make pearls of any value. -Human birth control pills work on gorillas. -Gorillas sleep as much as fourteen hours per day. -A biological reserve has been made for golden toads because they are so rare. -There are more than fifty different kinds of kangaroos. -Jellyfish like salt water. A rainy season often reduces the jellyfish population by putting more fresh water into normally salty waters where they live. -The female lion does ninety percent of the hunting. -A group of twelve or more cows is called a flink. -You can tell the sex of a horse by its teeth. Most males have 40, females have 36. -Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton. -Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. -Every person has a unique tongue print as well as fingerprints. -Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode. -Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them. -The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed. -It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland. -Horatio Nelson, one of England's most illustrious admirals was throughout his life, never able to find a cure for his sea-sickness. -Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible. -Queen Elizabeth I regarded herself as a paragon of cleanliness. She declared that she bathed once every three months, whether she needed it or not -The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. -There are more chickens than people in the world (at least before that chicken-flu thing). -All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. -The slogan on New Hampshire license plates is "Live Free or Die." These license plates are manufactured by prisoners in the state prison in Concord. -Hydrogen gas is the least dense substance in the world, at 0.08988g/cc. Hydrogen solid is the most dense substance in the world, at 70.6g/cc. -The longest place name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotam-eteaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokai-whenu a kitanatahu – a New Zealand hill. -Only 1 in 2,000,000,000 will live to be 116 or older. -When you tie a noose, the rope is wrapped twelve times around because it's the same length as a persons head. -The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," uses every letter in the alphabet. -The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie" (Thus the name of the Don McLean song). -The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." -In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. -It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. -There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun. -The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1. -Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars. -When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year. -Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can. -Most American car horns honk in the key of F. -The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; '7′ was selected after the original 7-ounce containers and 'UP' for the direction of the bubbles. -A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. -To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs – it will let you go instantly. -Reindeer like to eat bananas. -More people are killed annually by donkeys than airplane crashes. -Because of the rotation of the earth, an object can be thrown farther if it is thrown west. -The average person spends 6 months of their life sitting at red lights. -More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money throughout the world. -Caesar salad has nothing to do with any of the Caesars. It was first concocted in a bar in Tijuana, Mexico, in the 1920′s. -Seattle's Fremont Bridge rises up and down more than any drawbridge in the world. -Nearly 80% of all animals on earth have six legs. -Ninety percent of all species that have become extinct have been birds. -There is approximately one chicken for every human being in the world. -Most collect calls are made on father's day. -Each of us generates about 3.5 pounds of rubbish a day, most of it paper. -Women manage the money and pay the bills in 75% of all Americans households. -Daylight Saving Time is not observed in most of the state of Arizona and parts of Indiana. -Bees have 5 eyes. There are 3 small eyes on the top of a bee's head and 2 larger ones in front. -One-fourth of the world's population lives on less than $200 a year. Ninety million people survive on less than $75 a year. -Only female mosquito's' bite and most are attracted to the color blue twice as much as to any other color. -The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. -Annual growth of WWW traffic is 314,000% -In 1778, fashionable women of Paris never went out in blustery weather without a lightning rod attached to their hats. -The pop you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually a bubble of gas burning. -A literal translation of a standard traffic sign in China: "Give large space to the festive dog that makes sport in the roadway." -In a lifetime the average human produces enough quarts of spit to fill 2 swimming pools. -Barbie's measurements, if she were life-size, would be 39-29-33. -One third of all cancers are sun related. -It has been estimated that humans use only 10% of their brain. -1 in 8 Americans has worked at a McDonalds restaurant. -70% of all boats sold are used for fishing. -The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes. -The thumbnail grows the slowest, the middle nail the fastest, nearly 4 times faster than toenails. -The Human eyes never grow, but nose and ears never stop growing. -If Texas were a country, its GNP would be the fifth largest of any country in the world. -There are 1 million ants for every human in the world. -The 'Golden Arches' of fast food chain McDonalds is more recognized worldwide than the religious cross of Christianity. -Former basketball superstar Michael Jordan is the most recognized face in the world, more than the pope himself. -The average talker sprays about 300 microscopic saliva droplets per minute, about 2.5 droplets per word. -The Earth experiences 50,000 Earth quakes per year and is hit by Lightning 100 times a second. -If we had the same mortality rate now as in 1900, more than half the people in the world today would not be alive. -During a severe windstorm or rainstorm the Empire State Building sways several feet to either side. -In the last 3,500 years, there have been approximately 230 years of peace throughout the civilized world. -The Black Death reduced the population of Europe by one third in the period from 1347 to 1351. -The average person spends about two years on the phone in a lifetime. -Length of beard an average man would grow if he never shaved 27.5 feet -Over 60% of all those who marry get divorced. -400-quarter pounders can be made from 1 cow. -Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7 -In Aspen Colorado, you can have a maximum income of $104,000 and still receive government subsidized housing. -Dr. Kellogg introduced Kellogg's Corn Flakes in hopes that it would reduce masturbation. -In medieval France, unfaithful wives were made to chase a chicken through town naked. -Eating the heart of a male Partridge was the cure for impotence in ancient Babylon. -A bull can inseminate 300 cows from one single ejaculation. -When a Hawaiian woman wears a flower over her left ear, it means that she is not available. -The only nation whose name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan. -The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate. -The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. -The shape of plant collenchyma's cells and the shape of the bubbles in beer foam are the same – they are orthotetrachidecahedrons. -Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan. -PEZ candy even comes in a Coffee flavor. -The first song played on Armed Forces Radio during operation Desert Shield was "Rock the Casba" by the Clash. -Golf courses cover 4% of North America. -The average person will accidentally eat just under a pound of insects every year. -Until 1994, world maps and globes sold in Albania only had Albania on them. -The value of Pi will be officially "rounded down" to 3.14 from 3.14159265359 on December 31, 1999. -The Great Wall of China is the only man-made structure visible from space. -A piece of paper can be folded no more then 9 times. -The amount of computer Memory required to run WordPerfect for Win95 is 8 times the amount needed aboard the space shuttle. -The average North American will eat 35,000 cookies during their life span. -Between 25% and 33% of the population sneeze when exposed to light. -The most common name in world is Mohammed. -Most toilets flush in E flat. -2,000 pounds of space dust and other space debris fall on the Earth every day. -Each month, there is at least one report of UFOs from each province of Canada. -40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. -You can be fined up to $1,000 for whistling on Sunday in Salt Lake City, Utah. -It takes about 142.18 licks to reach the center of a Tootsie pop. -The serial number of the first MAC ever produced was 2001. -It is illegal to eat oranges while bathing in California. -If done perfectly, a rubix cube combination can be solved in 17 turns. -The average American butt is 14.9 inches long. -More bullets were fired in 'Starship Troopers' than any other movie ever made. -60% of electrocutions occur while talking on the telephone during a thunderstorm. -The name of the girl on the statue of liberty is Mother of Exiles. -3.6 cans of Spam are consumed each second. -There's a systematic lull in conversation every 7 minutes. -The buzz from an electric razor in America plays in the key of B flat; Key of G in England. -There are 1,575 steps from the ground floor to the top of the Empire State building. -The world's record for keeping a Lifesaver in the mouth with the hole intact is 7 hrs 10 min. -The world record for spitting a watermelon seed is 65 feet 4 inches. -In the Philippine jungle, the yo-yo was first used as a weapon. -Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. -The three most recognized Western names in China are Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, & Elvis Presley. -There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo. -There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S that there are real ones. -The crack of a whip is actually a tiny sonic boom, since the tip breaks the sound barrier. -Lawn darts are illegal in Canada. -There are more psychoanalysts per capita in Buenos Aires than any other place in the world. -Between 2 and 3 jockeys are killed each year in horse racing. -5,840 people with pillow related injuries checked into U.S. emergency rooms in 1992. -The average woman consumes 6 lbs of lipstick in her lifetime. -Some individuals express concern sharing their soap, rightly so, considering 75% of all people wash from top to bottom. -Conception occurs most in the month of December. -CBS' "60 Minutes" is the only TV show without a theme song/music. -Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace. -'Obsession' is the most popular boat name. -On average, Americans' favorite smell is banana. -If one spells out numbers, they would have to count to One Thousand before coming across the letter "A". -3.9% of all women do not wear underwear. -This common everyday occurrence composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, and 9% dioxide is called a 'fart'. -Meteorologists claim they're right 85% of the time (think about that one!) -The only real person to ever to appear on a pez dispenser was Betsy Ross. -Mike Nesmith's (the guitarist of The Monkeys) mom invented White Out. -Only 6 people in the whole world have died from moshing. -The storage capacity of human brain exceeds 4 Terabytes. -In Vermont, the ratio of cows to people is 10:1 -Any free-moving liquid in outer space will form itself into a sphere, because of its surface tension. -The average American looks at eight houses before buying one. -Koala is Aboriginal for "no drink". -Shakespeare spelled his OWN name several different ways. -Arnold Schonberg suffered from triskaidecaphobia, the fear of the number 13. He died at 13 minutes from midnight on Friday the 13th. -Mozart wrote the nursery rhyme 'twinkle, twinkle, little star' at the age of 5. -Weatherman Willard Scott was the first original Ronald McDonald. -Virginia Woolf wrote all her books standing. -Einstein couldn't speak fluently until after his ninth birthday. His parents thought he was mentally retarded. -Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T. -Kelsey Grammar sings and plays the piano for the theme song of Fraiser. -Thomas Edison, acclaimed inventor of the light bulb, was afraid of the dark. -You can sail all the way around the world at latitude 60 degrees south. -On the ground, a group of geese is a gaggle, in the sky it is a skein. -To Ensure Promptness, one is expected to pay beyond the value of service – hence the later abbreviation: T.I.P. -The scene where Indiana Jones shoots the swordsman in Raider's of the Lost Ark was Harrison Ford's idea so that he could take a bathroom break. -Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. -If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. -One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 1930s lobbied against hemp farmers they saw it as competition. -The name of all continents in the world end with the same letter that they start with. -The longest word comprised of one row on the keyboard is: TYPEWRITER -The average person spends 12 weeks a year 'looking for things'. -"Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und" -The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. -Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays. -Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy. -The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint – no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers. -Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball. -The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away. -The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti. -The word "dexter" whose meaning refers to the right hand is typed with only the left hand. -The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead." -The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses. -The pupils of a goat's eyes are square. -Van Gogh only sold one painting when he was alive. -A standard slinky measures 87 feet when stretched out. -The highest per capita Jell-O comsumption in the US is Des Moines. -If a rooster can't fully extend its neck, it can't crow. -There were always 56 curls in Shirley Temple's hair. -The eyes of a donkey are positioned so that it can see all four feet at all times. -Worcestershire sauce in essentially an Anchovy Ketchup. -Rhode Island is the only state which the hammer throw is a legal high school sport. -The average lifespan of an eyelash is five months. -A spider has transparent blood. -Every acre of American crops harvested contains 100 pounds of insects. -Prince Charles is an avid collecter of toilet seats. -The most common street name in the U.S. is Second Street. -Tehran is the most expensive city on earth. -The sweat drops drawn in cartoon comic strips are called pleuts. -Babies are most likely to be born on Tuesdays. -The HyperMart outside of Garland Texas has 58 check-outs. -The Minneapolis phone book has 21 pages of Andersons. -In the 1980′s American migraines increased by 60%. -Poland is the "stolen car capital of the world". -Jefferson invented the dumbwaiter, the monetary system, and the folding attic ladder. -The S in Harry S. Truman did not stand for anything. -In Miconesia, coins are 12 feet across. -A horse can look forward with one eye and back with the other. -Shakespeare is quoted 33,150 times in the Oxford English dictionary. -The word Pennsylvania is misspelled on the Liberty Bell. -NBA superstar Michael Jordan was originally cut from his high school basketball team. -You spend 7 years of your life in the bathroom. -A family of 26 could go to the movies in Mexico city for the price of one in Tokyo. -10,000 Dutch cows pass through the Amsterdam airport each year. -Approximately every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls their hamstring. -Simplistic passwords contribute to over 80% of all computer password break-ins. -The top 3 health-related searches on the Internet are (in this order): Depression, Allergies, & Cancer. -Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older. -The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer. -All US Presidents have worn glasses; some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public. -Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there. -Walt Disney was afraid of mice. -The site with the highest number of women visitors between the age of 35 and 44 years old: Alka-Seltzer.com -The 3 most valuable brand names on earth are Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser (in that order). -The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they can be easily confused at a crime scene. -The mask worn by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white. -Dr. Jack Kevorkian first patient has Alzheimer's disease. -Fictional/horror writer Stephen King sleeps with a nearby light on to calm his fear of the dark. -The very first song played on MTV was 'Video Killed The Radio Star' by the Buggles. -Americans travel 1,144,721,000 miles by air every day -The the U.S. you dial '911′. In Stockholm, Sweden you dial 90000 -38% of American men say they love their cars more than women -The U.S. military operates 234 golf courses -100% of lottery winners do gain weight -Bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were all invented by women -Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom." -Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself. -Over 1000 birds a year die from smashing into windows! -Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours! -Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States! -166,875,000,000 pieces of mail are delivered each year in the US -Daffy Duck's middle name is "Dumas" -In Disney's Fantasia, the Sorcerer's name is "Yensid" (Disney backwards.) -In The Empire Strikes Back there is a potato hidden in the asteroid field -James Bond's car had three different license plates in Goldfinger -Canada makes up 6.67 percent of the Earth's land area -South Dakota is the only U.S state which shares no letters with the name of it's capital -The KGB is headquartered at No. 2 Felix Dzerzhinsky Square, Moscow -The Vatican city registered 0 births in 1983 -There are 269 steps to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa -Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand while drawing with the other -A group of cockroaches is called an intrusion. -Nearly half the gold ever mined has come from one place: Witwatersrand, South Africa -Hummingbird wing speed varies depending on the species. -The smaller the hummingbird, the faster it flaps its wings. -Ruby-throated hummingbird wings beat about 50 times a second. -A rufous hummingbird's wings beat as fast as 52 to 62 wingbeats per second. -The giant hummingbird of the Andes, about the same length as a cardinal, hums at 12 beats a second. -The bee hummingbird of Cuba, the smallest bird on earth at only 2 inches from bill tip to tail tip, buzzes along at 80 beats per second. -Canadians say "sorry" so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can't be used as evidence of admission to guilt. -Back when dinosaurs existed, there used to be volcanoes that were erupting on the moon. -One habit of intelligent humans is being easily annoyed by people around them, but saying nothing in order to avoid a meaningless argument. -If a Polar Bear and a Grizzly Bear mate, their offspring is called a "Pizzy Bear". -In 2006, a Coca-Cola employee offered to sell Coca-Cola secrets to Pepsi. Pepsi responded by notifying Coca-Cola. -There were two AI chatbots created by Facebook to talk to each other, but they were shut down after they started communicating in a language they made for themselves. -Nintendo trademarked the phrase "It's on like Donkey Kong" in 2010. -The famous line in Titanic from Leonardo DiCaprio, "I'm king of the world!" was improvised. -A single strand of Spaghetti is called a "Spaghetto". -Hershey's Kisses are named that after the kissing sound the deposited chocolate makes as it falls from the machine on the conveyor belt. -Princess Peach didn't move until 1988, designers believed it was too complicated to make her a movable character. -To leave a party without telling anyone is called in English, a "French Exit". In French, it's called a "partir à l'anglaise", to leave like the English. -If you cut down a cactus in Arizona, you'll be penalized up to 25 years in jail. It is similar to cutting down a protected tree species. -The Buddha commonly depicted in statues and pictures is a different person entirely. The real Buddha was actually incredibly skinny because of self-deprivation. -In Colorado, USA, there is still an active volcano. It last erupted about the same time as the pyramids were being built in Egypt. -The first movie ever to put out a motion-picture soundtrack was Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. -Fruit stickers are edible, though the same as any fruit, washing prior to eating is recommended. The glue used for them is regulated by the FDA. -The scientific name for Giant Anteater is Myrmecophaga Tridactyla. This means "ant eating with three fingers". -Astronaut is a compound word derived from the two Ancient Greek words "Astro" meaning "star" and "naut" meaning "sailor". So astronaut literally means "star sailor". -At birth, a baby panda is smaller than a mouse. -Iceland does not have a railway system. -The largest known prime number has 17,425,170 digits. The new prime number is 2 multiplied by itself 57,885,161 times, minus 1. -Forrest Fenn, an art dealer and author, hid a treasure chest in the Rocky Mountains worth over 1 million dollars. It still has not been found. -The lead singer of The Offspring started attending school to achieve a doctorate in molecular biology while still in the band. He graduated in May 2017. -There is a company in Japan that has schools that teach you how to be funny. The first one opened in 1982. About 1,000 students take the course each year. -The Lego Group is the world's most powerful brand. There are more Lego Minifigures than there are people on Earth. -The Bagheera kiplingi spider was discovered in the 1800s and is the only species of spider that has been classified as vegetarian. -There is a boss in Metal Gear Solid 3 that can be defeated by not playing the game for a week; or by changing the date. -The Roman – Persian wars are the longest in history, lasting over 680 years. They began in 54 BC and ended in 628 AD. -Elvis was originally blonde. He started coloring his hair black for an edgier look. Sometimes, he would touch it up himself using shoe polish. -If you translate "Jesus" from Hebrew to English, the correct translation is "Joshua". The name "Jesus" comes from translating the name from Hebrew, to Greek, to Latin, to English. -Ed Sheeran bought a ticket to LA with no contacts. He was spotted by Jamie Foxx, who offered him the use of his recording studio and a bed in his Hollywood home for six weeks. -The first service animals were established in Germany during World War I. References to service animals date as far back as the mid-16th Century. -An 11-year-old girl proposed the name for Pluto after the Roman god of the Underworld. -The voice actor of SpongeBob and the voice actor of Karen, Plankton's computer wife, have been married since 1995. -An Italian banker, Gilberto Baschiera is considered a modern-day Robin Hood. Over the course of 7 years, he secretly diverted 1 million euros to poorer clients from the wealthy ones so they could qualify for loans. He made no profit and avoided jail in 2018 due to a plea bargain. -Octopuses and squids have beaks. The beak is made of keratin – the same material that a bird's beak, and our fingernails are made of. -An estimated 50% of all gold ever mined on Earth came from a single plateau in South Africa: Witwatersrand. -75% of the world's diet is produced from just 12 plant and five different animal species. -The original Star Wars premiered on just 32 screens across the U.S. in 1977. This was to produce buzz as the release widened to more theaters. -The British government coined the slogan, "Keep Calm and Carry on" during World War 2 in order to motivate citizens to stay strong. -Tirana, the capital of Albania has a lot of things in common with other European capitals – except one.  It's one of two capitals without a Mcdonald's. The second is Vatican City. -Sour Patch Kids are from the same manufacturer as Swedish Fish. The red Sour Patch Kids are the same candy as Swedish Fish, but with sour sugar. -The largest Japanese population outside of Japan stands at 1.6 million people who live in Brazil. -IKEA is an acronym which stands for Ingvar Kamprad Elmtaryd Agunnaryd, which is the founder's name, farm where he grew up, and hometown. -In 2009, Stephen Hawking held a reception for time travelers, but didn't publicize it until after. This way, only those who could time travel would be able to attend. Nobody else attended. -Violin bows are commonly made from horse hair. -There are less than 30 ships in the Royal Canadian Navy which are less than most third-world countries. -Larry the Cable Guy's real name is Daniel Lawrence Whitney. His notable Southern accent is fake – he was born and raised in the midwest, not the South. -The youngest Pope in history was Pope Benedict IX who was 11 years old at the time of the election. He is also the only person to have been the Pope more than once. -Costa Coffee employs Gennaro Pelliccia as a coffee taster, who has had his tongue insured for £10 million since 2009. -Johnny Cash took only three voice lessons before his teacher advised him to stop taking lessons and to never deviate from his natural voice. -There is an island called "Just Enough Room", where there's just enough room for a tree and a house. -Medieval chastity belts are a myth. A great majority of examples now existing were made in the 18th and 19th centuries as jokes. -Nowadays, millionaires with just $1 million aren't considered wealthy anymore by most Americans. Now, the typical American sees at least $2.4 million as wealthy. -Hanna-Barbera pitched The Flintstones to networks for 8 weeks before it was finally picked up. It became the first-ever animated show to air during primetime. -There is a company that sells mirrors that make people look 10 pounds thinner. Overall, the mirrors have contributed to 54% of total sales for retailers that use it. -There's no period in "Dr. Pepper". It was removed because the old logo font made it look like "Di: Pepper". -Standing around burns calories. On average, a 150-pound person burns 114 calories per hour while standing and doing nothing. -Although GPS is free for the world to use, it costs $2 million per day to operate. The money comes from American tax revenue. -In World War II, Germany tried to collapse the British economy by dropping millions of counterfeit bills over London. -The human eye is so sensitive that, if the Earth were flat and it was a dark night, a candle's flame could be seen from 30 miles away. -When Space Invaders was created, Tomohiro Nishikado left in the lag caused by more invaders on the screen in order to create greater difficulty in the games. -The color red doesn't really make bulls angry; they are color-blind. -65% of autistic kids are left-handed, and only 10% of people, in general, are left-handed. -In 2007, Scotland spent £125,000 devising a new national slogan. The winning entry was: "Welcome to Scotland". -Until 2016, the "Happy Birthday" song was not for public use. Meaning, prior to 2016, the song was copyrighted and you had to pay a license to use it. -There is a punctuation mark used to signify irony or sarcasm that looks like a backwards question mark ⸮ -Researches have found that flossing your teeth can help your memory. Flossing prevents gum disease, which prevents stiff blood vessels, which cause memory issues. -A cluster of bananas is called a "hand". Along that theme, a single banana is called a "finger". -The Hobbit has been published in two editions. In the first edition, Gollum willingly bet on his ring in the riddle game. -For nearly 60 years, Texas didn't have an official state flag between 1879 & 1933. During that time, the Lone Star flag was the active, but the unofficial flag. -A wildlife technician, Richard Thomas, took the famous tongue twister, "how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood" and calculated a rough estimate of what the answer would actually be. It came out to be around 700 pounds. -Red Solo cups are a common souvenir to bring back from the United States. The novelty comes from the cups being used in many party scenes in movies. -Swedish meatballs originated from a recipe King Charles XII brought back from Turkey in the early 1800s. -Those cute furry bits inside a cat's ear are called "ear furnishings". They ensure that dirt doesn't go inside and also helps them to hear well. -Scientists discovered sharks that are living in an active underwater volcano. Divers cannot investigate because they would get burns from the acidity and heat. -There are times when Pluto is closer to the Sun than Neptune – one of these timelines was from 1979 to 1999. -There is a town in Nebraska called Monowi with a population of one. The only resident is a woman who is the Mayor, Bartender, and Librarian. -The Ethiopian calendar is 7.5 years behind the Gregorian calendar due to the fact that it has 13 months. -In 1994, the company that had a patent on GIFs tried to charge a fee for using GIFS. The PNG was invented as an alternative, and the company backed down. -China is spending $3 billion dollars to build panda-shaped solar farms in order to get more young people interested in renewable energy. -Mercury and Venus are the only two planets in our solar system that do not have any moons. -The average American child is given $3.70 per tooth that falls out. -To properly write adjectives in order, you would list them by amount, value, size, temperature, age, shape, color, origin, and material.The world's first motel is in San Luis Obispo, which was built in 1925. When opened, it cost $1.25 for a two-room bungalow with a kitchen and a private adjoining garage. -Videogames have been found to be more effective at battling depression than therapy.The world's first motel is in San Luis Obispo, which was built in 1925. When opened, it cost $1.25 for a two-room bungalow with a kitchen and a private adjoining garage. -Scotland was one of the few countries able to hold off being conquered by the Romans in the first century A.D. -I Will Always Love You was originally written and recorded in 1973 by Dolly Parton. It was written as a farewell to her mentor of seven years. -"Opposites attract" is a common myth. People are actually attracted to people who look like family members or those with a similar personality type. -Llamas can be used as guards against coyote attacks on sheep herds. Studies have proven that just one guard llama is an effective protector and can even kill the attacking coyotes. -The unique smell of rain actually comes from plant oils, bacteria, and ozone. -Vanilla flavoring is sometimes made with the urine of beavers. -If you heat up a magnet, it will lose its magnetism. -The most expensive virtual object is "Club NEVERDIE" in the Entropia Universe which is worth $635,000. It was originally bought at $10,000. -Cruise ships have morgues that can store up to 10 bodies at once. The average amount of people that die on cruise ships per year is 200. -Birds are the closest living relatives of crocodilians, as well as the descendants of extinct dinosaurs with feathers. This makes them the only surviving dinosaurs. -Small as they may be, ladybugs have a unique smell that humans are incredibly sensitive to. -During WWII, a U.S. naval destroyer won a battle against a Japanese submarine by throwing potatoes at them. The Japanese thought they were grenades. -The Marshal Mathers foundation for at-risk and disadvantaged youth was founded by Eminem. -Since 1955, 50% of the population of Niger is consistently under 16 years old. The total current population is 21,600,000. -The author of Mary Had a Little Lamb, Sarah Josepha Hale, is most responsible for the creation of Thanksgiving being a national holiday. -The oldest unopened bottle of wine was found in a Roman tomb that is over 1,650 years old. -Chicken Run is the highest-grossing stop motion animated film, even beating The Nightmare Before Christmas. -Nobody knows how the Academy Awards came to be referred to as the Oscars. The earliest mention was 1932, and was made official in 1939. -More tornadoes occur in the United Kingdom per square mile than any other country in the world. -Owners of personalized license plates in Uganda are facing a tax increase of over 300%, which will raise the tax from $1,498 to $5,992. -Popularized by the Shakespeare play, many people think Julius Caesar's last words were "And you, Brutus?" In reality, he said "You too, my child?" -Times Square was originally called Longacre Square until it was renamed in 1904 after The New York Times moved its headquarters to the newly built Times Building. -Daniel Craig was an anonymous Storm Trooper in Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Originally, he denied his cameo and claimed he wouldn't bother being an extra in a movie. -Queen Elizabeth has a personal net worth of 425 million dollars. That includes the $65 million Sandringham House and $140 million Balmoral Castle. -Although there is currently no drug proven to make someone tell the truth, some countries like Russia, Canada, and India use truth serums. -Only primates, humans, and opossums have opposable thumbs. Out of these, the opossum is the only one with no thumbnail. -One of the World Trade Center's was built to be 1,776 feet tall on purpose to reference the year the Declaration of Independence was signed. -The word "kimono", literally means a "thing to wear". Ki is "wear", and mono is "thing". -There is a statue of Tesla in Silicon Valley that radiates free Wi-Fi. It was done as an homage to his vision for wireless communication. -It snows metal on planet Venus! There are two types that have been found, galena and bismuthinite. -Tic Tacs got their name from the sound they make when they are tossed around in their container. -Only official members of federally accepted Native American tribes may legally possess or collect eagle feathers. If a normal citizen has one, it is illegal. -By the time they have been retired for 2 years, 78% of former NFL players have gone bankrupt or are under financial stress because of joblessness or divorce. -500 seeds of 5 different types of seeds were taken into orbit around the moon and later planted around the U.S. as well as a few countries. They were called Moon Trees. -In order to protest the high tariffs enforced by a U.K. censorship board, a filmmaker sent in a 10-hour "movie" of white paint drying. They had to watch the entire film. -The popular LMFAO group who created the viral hit, Party Rock Anthem, is made up of an uncle-nephew duo. -50% of apartments in Los Angeles don't come with a fridge. This is legal, as fridges are considered an "amenity", and therefore landlords are not required to provide one. -Norway has a 25-year statute of limitation on murder. This means if the murder happened more than 25 years ago, they cannot be charged. -Several of the facts on Snapple caps have been found to be outdated, incorrect or exaggerated. -Both of the drummers from Queen and Duran Duran had the same name – Roger Taylor. -There is a company in the U.K. that offers "being hungover" as a valid reason for calling off work. They are allotted four hungover days per year. -The majority of blind people in the U.S. and the U.K. cannot read braille. Statistically, less than 1% of blind in the U.K., and under 10% in the U.S. -It's not just humans who are right or left-handed. Most female cats prefer using their right paw and males are more likely to be left-pawed. -Over 290 people have died climbing Mount Everest since 1922. Most deaths occur because of avalanches, and not all bodies have been recovered. -A bolt of lightning can reach 53,540 degrees Fahrenheit. That's 5 times hotter than the surface of the sun, which is 10,340 degrees Fahrenheit. -There is a village in Russia called Tsovkra where every resident can tightrope walk. It is a tradition that dates back over 100 years but no one knows how it started. -When Shakira was in second grade, she was rejected by the school choir because her vibrato was too strong. The music teacher told her that she sounded like a goat. -Four of the top seven highest-grossing films of all time were released in 2015. Avengers: Age of Ultron, Furious 7, Jurassic World, and Star Wars: The Force Awakens. -Four Nile crocodiles have been found in Florida. They are the second-largest crocodile and are more dangerous than the native crocodiles and alligators in Florida. -Julius Caesar's only son, Caesarion, was the last Pharaoh of Egypt. Even though Cleopatra swears he is Caesar's son, Caesar never officially acknowledged him. -The quietest room in the world in Minnesota is measured in negative decibels – so quiet that you can hear your own heartbeat and your bones moving. -"Tsundoku" is a Japanese word for the habit of buying too many books, letting them pile up in your house, and never reading them. -The Guinness World Record for the time longest spend searching for the Loch Ness Monster is held by Steve Feltham who camped at Loch Ness for 25 years. -Brain fibers lose 10% of their total length every decade. They can shrink even more so under acute stress. -Chewing gum boosts mental proficiency and is considered a better test aid than caffeine – but nobody knows why. -Per capita, the happiest countries in the world also rank highest in terms of consumers of antidepressants. -Even though Irish is the official language of Ireland, Polish is more widely spoken. -There's a bar in Yukon that serves a "Sourtoe cocktail". It consists of a shot of whiskey with a human toe floating in the glass. An estimated 60,000 people have had it. -The Stockholm archipelago has more islands than the Pacific Ocean at around 30,000. -Pope Francis has been given many extravagant gifts over the years, and one of them was a Harley-Davidson motorcycle. However, rather than keeping it for his own pleasure and adventures, he sold it off and used the money to benefit homeless people. -In Japan, Domino's started testing pizza delivery via reindeer in 2016. -The motto on the United Kingdom's Royal Coat of Arms is in French. The motto is "Dieu et mon droit", which means "God and my right". -The average household income of the top 1% in the United States is $1,260,508 per year. -Disney sold the streaming right for the original Star Wars films in 2016 to Turner until 2024. Disney has since decided to start a streaming service and has tried asking for the rights back, but Turner refuses every time. -Gaming-related accidents increased by 26.5% during the first 5 months of Pokémon Go being released. This included 2 deaths and $25.5 million in damages. -Helen Keller was related to Robert E. Lee. Her paternal grandmother was second cousins with him. -During the 1908 Olympics in London, the Russians showed up 12 days late due to the fact that they were using the Julian calendar instead of the Gregorian calendar. -Non-violent attempts to escape Mexican prisons are not punished because "it's human nature to want freedom". -The line, "Born and raised in South Detroit" in Journey's "Don't Stop Believin" actually refers to Canada, not Michigan. -On one slow news day on April 18, 1930, a BBC radio announcer blatantly said "there is no news". -If you cut a starfish, it won't bleed – it doesn't have blood! Rather, they circulate nutrients by using seawater in their vascular system. -12% of the world's total languages are found in Papua New Guinea, which has over 820 indigenous languages. There are more languages on this island than in any other country. -The hottest temperature ever recorded in Washington state was at Ice Harbor Dam at 118 °F (47.8 °C) on August 5, 1961. -In efforts to undercut the Dreamcast's sales of the upcoming SEGA release, Sony announced the PlayStation 2 and exaggerated its performance capabilities. -Nepal has the most mathematical flag in the world. It even has an article in its constitution that details the steps of drawing the flag. -Mount Rushmore cost less than one million dollars to construct. It took 14 years to build – from 1927 to 1941 and took 400 workers. -Samsung means "three stars" in Korean. This was chosen by the founder because he wanted the company to be powerful and everlasting like stars in the sky. -On average, 46.1% of Americans have less than $10,000 in assets when they die. -While shedding, geckos will eat their skin in order to prevent predators from finding and eating them more easily. -Bees actually have knees. The expression comes from the fact that they store large build-ups of pollen in hairy baskets on their knees. -Between North and South Korea lies 155 miles of no man's land where hundreds of rare animal species thrive. -While watching a Merry-Go-Round from a bench in Griffith Park, Los Angeles, Walt Disney was struck with inspiration for the creation of Disneyland. -There is a Scottish tartan designed for Mars exploration. It was officially registered in 2016 to be worn during Mars science, exploration and outreach activities. -Santa Claus was issued a pilot's license from the U.S. government in 1927. They also gave him airway maps and promised to keep the runway lights on. -When you exercise, the burned fat metabolizes to become carbon dioxide, water, and energy. Meaning: you exhale the fat that you lose. -The word "velociraptor" comes from the Latin words "velox" which means swift, and "raptor" which means robber. Literally – speedy robber! -The largest stadium in the world is the Rungrado 1st of May Stadium in North Korea. It can hold up to 114,000 spectators. It covers 51 acres and is 197 feet tall. -Polar bears often hunt walruses by simply charging at a group of them and eating the ones that were crushed or wounded in the mass panic to escape. Direct attacks are rare. -The group of spikes at the end of stegosaurid tails are called the "thagomizer". They had no distinct name until the term was coined in 1982 by a cartoonist. -There is a correlation between pulling an all-nighter and snapping out of depression. This is because the brain gets more active the longer it goes without sleep. -Adult cats only meow at humans, not other cats. Kittens meow to their mother but once they get a little older, cats no longer meow to other cats. -When shuffling a deck of cards, the number of possible arrangements is approximately 8×1067. That's more than the number of stars in the observable universe. -There is a United Arab Emirates' territory inside an Oman's territory that itself is inside the United Arab Emirates country. It is called Madha village. -Disappointment Island is an uninhabited island in New Zealand. Over 65,000 pairs of white-capped albatross live there. In 1868, a steel tanker crashed on the island which killed 68 people, leaving the 15 survivors waiting 18 months to be rescued. In 1907, another ship ended up crashing there and 12 men drowned. -During the entire run of Gilligan's Island, it was never revealed if "Gilligan" was his first or last name. -When Jorge Garcia first got the part on LOST as Hurley, he lost a total of 30 pounds in weight before filming started. -Gorillas can catch human colds -Female turtles hiss and male turtles grunt. -Abe Lincoln was a champion wrestler. He was also a licensed bartender. -There's a city named Rome on six out of seven continents. -Apples come from the same plant family as roses. So do plums, raspberries, and many other delicious fruits. -Turns out, a dog's paw print is just as unique as a human's. -A camel can drink up to 40 gallons of water in one go. -Fortune telling is illegal in Maryland. -The technical term for a fear of long words is ""hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia." -The White House has 35 bathrooms. -Greyhounds can run up to 45 mph. -Hiking naked is illegal in Switzerland. -New York's Central Park is bigger than Monaco. -There are over 9,000 benches in Central Park. -There are over 700 ancient Egyptian hieroglyphic symbols. -Saturn's surface is less dense than water. -To make one pound of honey, a bee has to fly 90,000 miles. -One bee typically only makes one twelfth of a teaspoon of honey in its lifetime. -The human hand has 54 bones. -Most U.S. stamp adhesive contains about one-tenth of a calorie. British stamps could set you back 5.9 calories. -Crows hold funerals for their dead. -The oldest domestic cat on record lived for 38 years. -The longest noodle ever made is more than 10,000 feet long, or almost two miles. -A flock of peacocks is called a party. -The Supreme Court has its own basketball court. -We believe that time stops at the speed of light. -The founder of sportswear companies Puma and Adidas were brothers. -While SPAM is most popular in Hawaii, it was actually invented in Minnesota. -The world's longest French fry is 34-inches long. -Garlic bulbs are full of Vitamin C, iron, potassium, magnesium, zinc and more. They also has 17 amino acids. -On the South Atlantic island of Tristan da Cunha, potatoes were once used as currency. -According to Tori Avey, coffee became a popular drink in America after the Boston Tea Party of 1773: making the switch from tea to coffee was considered a patriotic duty. -The double coconut palm produced the biggest seed in the world: 45 pounds. -Ice cream was once called "cream ice." -Pound cake is so-called because the recipes once called for a pound of butter, a pound of sugar, a pound of eggs and a pound of flour. -Peanuts aren't nuts, they're legumes. -Carrots weren't always orange: they were once exclusively purple. -Cherries are a member of the rose family (Rosaceae) as are quince, pears, plums, apples, peaches and raspberries! -Lima beans have an amazing ability to command wasps as a defense. If insects are eating the lima bean's leaves, the plant gives off a substance that acts as a signal to parasitic wasps to swoop in and destroy their enemy (i.e. the leaf-eating insects). -Apples float because they are one-quarter air! -Ripe cranberries will bounce like a ball. (Go on, try it!). They also float. -German Chocolate Cake is not from Germany. German is actually the last name of the man who invented a kind of baking chocolate (Sam German). -The Wright Brothers only flew together once (though both piloted the planes individually): on May 25, 1910 they took a six-minute flight piloted by Orville with Wilbur as his passenger. -Regardless of their size, naval tradition declares submarines be called "boats" rather than "ships." -Hedy Lamar was a famous Hollywood film actress who also invented what became modern day Wi-Fi. -Walt Disney started sketching regularly when he was just four years old. -Abraham Lincoln lost five separate elections before he became president of the U.S. -Pablo Picasso entered art school around the age of 10. The Picasso Museum in Barcelona, Spain includes many "early works" from his childhood. -Frederick Douglass taught himself to read and write. -Before European contact (which caused populations to diminish rapidly) California indigenous tribal groups spoke more than 200 unique dialects. -Amelia Earhart first saw a plane at the age of 10, but didn't take an airplane ride until 1920 when she was 23 years old. -Abe Lincoln was a professional wrestler long before he became the 16th President of the United States. -After landing in Ireland after her first solo Atlantic flight, a farmer asked Amelia Earhart where she was from. When she said America, he almost didn't believe her! -Frederick Douglass birth name was Frederick Augustus Washington Bailey. When he married he chose the last name Douglass after the hero clan in Sir Walter Scott's famous poem, Lady of the Lake. -Frida Kahlo created 143 paintings. Of these, 55 were self-portraits. -Babe Ruth was the first baseball player to hit a home run in the All-Star game, at Chicago's Comiskey Park in 1933. -Some tornadoes can be faster than Formula One race cars! -There are 2,000 thunderstorms on Earth every minute. -The wind is silent until it blows against something. -There are ice caves in Iceland that have hot springs. -The fastest recorded raindrop was 18 mph! -The US gets over 1200 tornadoes a year. -Clouds look white because they are reflecting sunlight from above them. -Yuma, Arizona gets over 4000 hours of sunshine a year, making it the sunniest place on earth. The least sunny place is the South Pole, where the sun only shines on 182 days a year. (Which would you rather live in?) -Rain contains vitamin B12. -A hurricane releases enough energy in one second to equal that of 10 atomic bombs. -It can be too warm to snow, but never too cold. -Tropical storms and hurricanes started getting "named" in 1953. -You can tell the weather by counting a cricket's chirps! -Worms wiggle up from the ground when a flood is coming. -The moon is very hot (224 degrees Fahrenheit, average) during the day but very cold (-243 degrees average) at night. -Sally Ride was the first American woman to fly in space, on June 18, 1983. -Even in an airplane, a trip to Pluto would take about 800 years. -Ham the Astrochimp was the first hominid in space, launched on Jan. 31, 1961. -A neutron star can spin 600 times in one second. -Jupiter is the fastest spinning planet in the solar system (it only takes about 10 hours to complete a full rotation on its axis). -Sound does not carry in space. -The Earth's core is as hot as the surface of the sun. -The very first animals in space were fruit flies...they were sent up in 1947 and recovered alive. -In 2011, ten-year-old Kathryn Aurora Gray discovered a supernova (a star that has run out of energy, explodes and then collapses before it dies) that no one else had seen before. -Europa, one of Jupiter's moons, has saltwater geyers that are 20x taller than Mt. Everest. -Saturn's rings are made from trillions of chunks of orbiting ice. -Alpha Centauri isn't a star, but a star system. It is 4.22 light years away. -One day on Venus is almost 8 months on Earth. -Jupiter's Great Red Spot is a storm that has been raging for over 200 years. -Many people believe that early mermaid sightings can be attributed to dehydration + manatees. -Sloths cannot shiver to stay warm, and so have difficulty maintaining their body temperature on rainy days. -In the wild, some reindeer travel more than 3000 miles in a single year. -Only half of the dolphin's brain goes to sleep when asleep and the other half stays awake. -Other than humans, emperor penguins are the only warm-blooded animal to stay on Antarctica for the winter. -The biggest fossil of a spider was found in China. It is one-inch long and 165 million years old. -The largest living animal is the blue whale, which can measure as much as 100 feet. -Nearly 10 percent of all of a cat's bones are in its tail. -In the winter time reindeer grow their facial hair long enough to cover their mouths, which protects their muzzles when grazing in the snow. Beard-os! -Dolphins have been seen wrapping sea sponge around their long snouts to protect them from cuts while foraging for food. -Shrimps hearts are in their heads. -While pandas sometimes eat fish or small animals, 99% of their diet is bamboo. -A fox uses its tail to communicate with other foxes. -Dogs have wet noses because they secrete a thin layer of mucus, which actually helps dogs smell! -The female hummingbird builds the world's smallest birds nest (approximately 1.5 inches in diameter, around the size of a walnut!). She weaves it from spiderwebs which allows it to expand as the chicks grow. -The largest land animal in Antarctica is an insect: the columbola (which looks like an earwig). Penguins are considered marine animals. -There are 222 owl species in the world. Most are nocturnal, but a few are active during the daytime, such as the Barred Owl. -Sloths are strong swimmers, especially good at the backstroke. -Sharks do not hunt humans or consider humans food. Sharks incidents occur when sharks are hunting for seals, dolphins or other "human-sized" prey. It's a case of mistaken identity! -In 1962, Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points in a single NBA basketball game. No one has broken this record (not even Steph Curry!). -Babe Ruth began his career as a pitcher: Ruth was both a left-handed pitcher and left-handed batter. -The record for the long jump is held by Mike Powell: 29 ft. + 4 inches. That's like jumping the length of two minivans! -The most medals won for Olympic basketball (male or female) are both held by women: Teresa Edwards and Lisa Leslie with four gold medals each. -Wilma Rudolph (who set the world record in 1960 for 100, 200 and 4x100-meter relay) had polio, scarlet fever and pneumonia as a child, leading doctors to believe she'd never walk again. -In 1919, Cleveland Indians pitcher Ray Caldwell was struck by lightning in the middle of the 9th inning. He kept playing! -The 'G' on the Green Bay Packers helmet stands for "greatness" not Green Bay! -Baseballs last an average of seven pitches. -Manon Rheaume is the only woman to have played in an NHL game. -Golf is one of only two sports every played on the moon. In 1971, Alan Shepard hit a ball with a six-iron while on the moon as part of the Apollo 14 mission. The other sport was a javelin toss, during the same visit. -The shortest player in the National Hockey League (NHL) was goaltender Roy Woters who measured 5 ft. 3 in. tall. -The tallest player in the NHL is Zdeno Chara, who is 6 ft. 9 in. tall. -The nose can detect a trillion smells! -Human teeth are as strong as shark teeth! -Your blood is as salty as the ocean. -Not only does everyone have unique fingerprints, but humans also have unique tongue-prints! -The average brain weighs about three pounds. A newborn brain weighs about 3/4 of a pound. -A human body contains almost 100 trillion cells. -Eyelashes live for about 150 days before falling out. -You can't breathe and swallow at the same time. -Pteronophobia is the fear of being tickled by feathers. -Two infectious diseases have been successfully wiped out: Smallpox and Rinderpest. -The following can be read forward and backward: Do geese see God? -Captive pandas may sometimes fake pregnancies. -The first alarm clock could only ring at 4 am. -It's a common misconception that Vincent van Gogh only sold one painting in his lifetime. -Four people lived in a home for 6 months infested with about 2,000 brown recluse spiders, but none of them were harmed. -Madonna has brontophobia, which is the fear of thunder. -Paraskavedekatriaphobia is the fear of Friday the 13th. -Butterflies cannot fly if their body temperature is less than 86 degrees. -Neurons multiply at a rate 250,000 neurons per minute during early pregnancy. -Elephants have the longest pregnancy in the animal kingdom at 22 months. The longest human pregnancy on record is 17 months, 11 days. -A female oyster produces 100 million young in her lifetime, the typical hen lays 19 dozen eggs a year, and it is possible for one female cat to be responsible for the birth of 20,736 kittens in four years. Michelle Druggar holds the record for largest human family, having given birth to 17 children. -750ml of blood pumps through your brain every minute which is 15-20% of blood flow from the heart. -The human brain is about 75% water. -Dragonflies are capable of flying sixty miles per hour, making them one of the fastest insects. This is good since they are in a big hurry, as they only live about twenty-four hours. -Flies jump backwards during takeoff. -A housefly will regurgitate its food and eat it again. -Termites outweigh humans by almost ten to one. -A spider's web is not a home, but rather a trap for its food. They are as individual as snowflakes, with no two ever being the same. Some tropical spiders have built webs over eighteen feet across. -More people are afraid of spiders than death. Amazingly, few people are afraid of Champagne corks even though you are more likely to be killed by one than by a spider. -Your brain consumes 25 watts of power while you're awake. This amount of energy is enough to illuminate a lightbulb. -Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. -Possums have one of the shortest pregnancies at 16 days. The shortest human pregnancy to produce a healthy baby was 22 weeks, 6 days -- the baby was the length of a ballpoint pen. -The most poisonous spider is the black widow. Its venom is more potent than a rattlesnake's. -13% of Americans actually believe that some parts of the moon are made of cheese. -Fish that live more than 800 meters below the ocean surface don't have eyes. -Butterflies range in size from a tiny 1/8 inch to a huge almost 12 inches. -Some Case Moth caterpillars (Psychidae) build a case around themselves that they always carry with them. It is made of silk and pieces of plants or soil. -Most household dust is made of dead skin cells. -One in eight million people has progeria, a disease that causes people to grow faster than they age. -The male seahorse carries the eggs until they hatch instead of the female. -Negative emotions such as anxiety and depression can weaken your immune system. -Stephen Hawking was born exactly 300 years after Galileo died. -Mercury is the only planet whose orbit is coplanar with its equator. -The Morgan's Sphinx Moth from Madagascar has a proboscis (tube mouth) that is 12 to 14 inches long to get the nectar from the bottom of a 12 inch deep orchid discovered by Charles Darwin. -Some moths never eat anything as adults because they don't have mouths. They must live on the energy they stored as caterpillars. -In 1958 Entomologist W.G. Bruce published a list of Arthropod references in the Bible. The most frequently named bugs from the Bible are: Locust: 24, Moth: 11, Grasshopper: 10, Scorpion: 10, Caterpillar: 9, and Bee: 4. -People eat insects – called "Entomophagy"(people eating bugs) – it has been practiced for centuries throughout Africa, Australia, Asia, the Middle East, and North, Central and South America. Why? Because many bugs are both protein-rich and good sources of vitamins, minerals and fats. -Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave. Go on, try it then -Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. -In York, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow (except on Sundays) -No piece of square dry paper can be folded in half more than 7 times -The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. -The Beetham Tower cost over £150 million to build. -The Beetham Tower has 47 floors. -An average human loses about 200 head hairs per day. -Mexico City sinks about 10 inches a year -It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. -In France, a five year old child can buy an alcoholic drink in a bar -During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance. -The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher. -The top butterfly flight speed is 12 miles per hour. Some moths can fly 25 miles per hour! -The Brimstone butterfly (Gonepterix rhamni) has the longest lifetime of the adult butterflies: 9-10 months. -A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight. -Representations of butterflies are seen in Egyptian frescoes at Thebes, which are 3,500 years old. -14% of all facts and statistics are made up and 27% of people know that fact. -Eskimos have over 15 words for the English word of 'Snow' -Butterflies can see red, green, and yellow. -Some people say that when the black bands on the Woolybear caterpillar are wide, a cold winter is coming. -Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was born on and died on days when Halley's Comet can be seen. -US Dollar bills are made out of cotton and linen. -The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of pickle types the company once had. -Americans are responsible for about 1/5 of the world's garbage annually. -98% of all murders and rapes are by a close family member or friend of the victim. -A B-25 bomber crashed into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building on July 28, 1945. -The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper. -Benjamin Franklin was the fifth in a series of the youngest son of the youngest son. -Paraskevidekatriaphobia means fear of Friday the 13th, which occurs one to three times a year. -In Italy, 17 is considered an unlucky number. In Japan, 4 is considered an unlucky number. -In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles. -The ZIP in "ZIP code" means Zoning Improvement Plan. -Coca-Cola contained Coca (whose active ingredient is cocaine) from 1885 to 1903. -It's estimated that at any one time around 0.7% of the world's population is drunk. -40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. -Every person, including identical twins, has a unique eye & tongue print along with their finger print. -The "spot" on the 7-Up logo comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino. -The "save" icon in Microsoft Office programs shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards. -Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin both married their first cousins -John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son. -Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister. -Chocolate can kill dogs; it directly affects their heart and nervous system. -Daniel Boone hated coonskin caps. -55.1% of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses. -Dr. Seuss pronounced his name "soyce". -Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine. -India has a Bill of Rights for cows. -American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by taking out an olive from First Class salads. -About 200,000,000 M&Ms are sold each day in the United States. -Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. -There are 318,979,564,000 possible combinations of the first four moves in Chess. -There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. -Coconuts kill about 150 people each year. That's more than sharks. -Half of all bank robberies take place on a Friday. -The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before it. -The first bomb the Allies dropped on Berlin in WWII killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. -The average raindrop falls at 7 miles per hour. -Bruce Lee was so fast that they had to slow the film down so you could see his moves. -IBM's motto is "Think". Apple later made their motto "Think different". -The original name for butterfly was flutterby. -One in fourteen women in America is a natural blonde. Only one in sixteen men is. -The Olympic was the sister ship of the Titanic, and she provided twenty-five years of service. -When the Titanic sank, 2228 people were on it. Only 706 survived. -Every day, 7% of the US eats at McDonald's. -During his entire life, Vincent Van Gogh sold exactly one painting, "Red Vineyard at Arles". -By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. -One in ten people live on an island. -28% of Africa is classified as wilderness. In North America, its 38%. -Humphrey Bogart NEVER said "Play it again, Sam" in Casablanca -They NEVER said "Beam me up, Scotty" on Star Trek. -Sharon Stone was the first Star Search spokes model. -More people are afraid of open spaces (kenophobia) than of tight spaces (claustrophobia). -There is a 1 in 4 chance that New York will have a white Christmas. -The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Libraries. -$203,000,000 is spent on barbed wire each year in the U.S. -Every US president has worn glasses (just not always in public). -Jim Henson first coined the word "Muppet". It is a combination of "marionette" and "puppet." -The Michelin man is known as Mr. Bib. His name was Bibendum in the company's first ads in 1896. -The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want. -About 14% of injecting drug users are HIV positive. -A word or sentence that is the same front and back (racecar, kayak) is called a "palindrome". -One in every 9000 people is an albino. -There are about a million ants per person. Ants are very social animals and will live in colonies that can contain almost 500,000 ants. -You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world. -Every year 4 people in the UK die putting their trousers on. -Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds; dogs only have about ten. -Each year in America there are about 300,000 deaths that can be attributed to obesity. -Many butterflies can taste with their feet to find out whether the leaf they sit on is good to lay eggs on to be their caterpillars' food or not. -There are more types of insects in one tropical rain forest tree than there are in the entire state of Vermont. -About 55% of all movies are rated R. -About 500 movies are made in the US and 800 in India annually. -Arabic numerals are not really Arabic; they were created in India. -There is actually no danger in swimming right after you eat, though it may feel uncomfortable. -There are about 2 chickens for every human in the world. -The word "maverick" came into use after Samuel Maverick, a Texan refused to brand his cattle. -Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey. -Termites have been known to eat food twice as fast when heavy metal music is playing. -There are more beetles than any other animal. In fact, one out of every four animals is a beetle. -The rhinoceros beetle is the strongest animal and is capable of lifting 850 times its own weight. -On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the American flag is flying over the Parliament Building. -$283,200 is the absolute highest amount of money you can win on Jeopardy. -Rats and horses can't vomit. -Winston Churchill was born in a ladies room during a dance. -Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. -Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. -You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. -Hedenophobic means fear of pleasure. -Ancient Egyptian priests would pluck every hair from their bodies. -An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. -The catfish has over 27000 taste buds (more than any other animal) -A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. -Many insects can carry 50 times their own body weight. This would be like an adult person lifting two heavy cars full of people. -There are over a million described species of insects. Some people estimate there are actually between 15 and 30 million species. -Most insects are beneficial to people because they eat other insects, pollinate crops, are food for other animals, make products we use (like honey and silk) or have medical uses. -Butterflies and insects have their skeletons on the outside of their bodies, called the exoskeleton. This protects the insect and keeps water inside their bodies so they don't dry out. -Elephants are the only mammals that cannot jump. -11% of the world is left-handed. -A healthy (non-colorblind) human eye can distinguish between 500 shades of gray. -Lizards can self-amputate their tails for protection. It grows back after a few months. -A honeybee can fly at fifteen miles per hour. -A "jiffy" is the scientific name for 1/100th of a second. -The average child recognizes over 200 company logos by the time he enters first grade. -The first novel ever written on a typewriter is Tom Sawyer. -A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair. -Elwood Edwards did the voice for the AOL sound files (i.e. "You've got Mail!"). -A polar bears skin is black. Its fur is actually clear, but like snow it appears white. -Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis middle name was Aron. -Donkeys kill more people than plane crashes. -There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. -Cats' urine glows under a black light. -A "quidnunc" is a person who is eager to know the latest news and gossip. -Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors, the helicopter, and many other present day items. -In the last 4000 years no new animals have been domesticated. -25% of a human's bones are in its feet. -"Canada" is an Indian word meaning "Big Village". -Only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older. -Rape is reported every six minutes in the U.S. -The world's longest snake (by reliable documentation) is the reticulated python, with a maximum length of, perhaps, 30 feet. -Common Cobra venom is not on the list of top 10 venoms yet it is still 40 times more toxic than cyanide. -The venom of the Australian Brown Snake is so powerful only 1/14,000th of an ounce is enough to kill a human. -Truck driving is the most dangerous occupation by accidental deaths (799 in 2001). -Elephants only sleep for two hours each day. -The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. (the heart is not a muscle) -In golf, a 'Bo Derek' is a score of 10. -In the U.S, Frisbees outsell footballs, baseballs and basketballs combined. -If you plant an apple seed, it is almost guaranteed to grow a tree of a different type of apple. -The only real person to be a PEZ head was Betsy Ross. -There are about 450 types of cheese in the world. 240 come from France. -A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours. -In Iceland, a Big Mac costs $5.50. -Broccoli and cauliflower are the only vegetables that are flowers. -There is no solid proof of who built the Taj Mahal. -In a survey of 200000 ostriches over 80 years, not one tried to bury its head in the sand. -"Judge Judy" has a $25,000,000 salary, while Supreme Court Justice Ginsberg has a $190,100 salary. -Andorra, a tiny country between France & Spain, has the longest average lifespan: 83.49 years. -In America you will see an average of 500 advertisements a day. -John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles. -You can lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs. -"Duff" is the decaying organic matter found on a forest floor. -The US has more personal computers than the next 7 countries combined. -Kuwait is about 60% male (highest in the world). Latvia is about 54% female (highest in the world). -At the height of its power in 400 BC, the Greek city of Sparta had 25,000 citizens and 500,000 slaves. -Julius Caesar's autograph is worth about $2,000,000. -People say "bless you" when you sneeze because your heart stops for a millisecond. -US gold coins used to say "In Gold We Trust". -In "Silence of the Lambs", Hannibal Lector (Anthony Hopkins) never blinks. -In the 17th century, the value of pi was known to 35 decimal places. Today, to 1.2411 trillion. -Pearls melt in vinegar. -"Lassie" was played by a group of male dogs; the main one was named Pal. -Nepal is the only country that doesn't have a rectangular flag. -Switzerland is the only country with a square flag. -Antarctica is the only continent on which no Lepidoptera have been found. -There are about 24,000 species of butterflies. The moths are even more numerous: about 140,000 species of them were counted all over the world. -Gabriel, Michael, and Lucifer are the only angels named in the Bible. -Johnny Appleseed planted apples so that people could use apple cider to make alcohol. -Abraham Lincoln's ghost is said to haunt the White House. -God is not mentioned once in the book of Esther. -The odds of being born male are about 51.2%, according to census. -Scotland has more redheads than any other part of the world. -Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane in case there is a crash. -The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad. -The surface of the Earth is about 60% water and 10% ice. -For every 230 cars that are made, 1 will be stolen. -Lightning strikes the earth about 8 million times a day. -Humans use a total of 72 different muscles in speech. -If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode. -The U.S. Post Office handles 43 percent of the world's mail. -Venus and Uranus are the only planets that rotate opposite to the direction of their orbit. -John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and James Monroe died on July 4th. -Baby Ruth candy bar was named after Grover Cleveland's daughter, Ruth, not the baseball player. -Dolphins can look in different directions with each eye. They can sleep with one eye open. -The Falkland Isles (pop. about 2000) has over 700000 sheep (350 per person). -There are 41,806 different spoken languages in the world today. -The city of Venice stands on about 120 small islands. -The past-tense of the English word "dare" is "durst" -Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon. -Of all the words in the English language, the word 'set' has the most definitions! -What is called a "French kiss" in the English speaking world is known as an "English kiss" in France. -"Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order. -"Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel. -In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child -A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off! -You can't kill yourself by holding your breath -There is a city called Rome on every continent. -The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is present at all important meetings of the University of London -Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails! -Present population of 5 billion plus people of the world is predicted to become 15 billion by 2080. -Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian, and had only ONE testicle. -Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th." -Coca-Cola would be green if coloring weren't added to it. -On average a hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute. -More people are killed each year from bees than from snakes. -The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words. -More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food. -The placement of a donkey's eyes in it's' heads enables it to see all four feet at all times! -The six official languages of the U.N. are: English, French, Arabic, Chinese, Russian and Spanish. -Earth is the only planet not named after a god. -It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA. -You're born with 300 bones, but by the time you become an adult, you only have 206. -The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds -Owls are the only birds that can see the color blue. -A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years! -A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue! -The average person laughs 10 times a day! -The Bible, the world's best-selling book, is also the world's most shoplifted book. -Someone paid $14,000 for the bra worn by Marilyn Monroe in the film 'Some Like It Hot'. -Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end. -More than 1,000 different languages are spoken on the continent of Africa. -Buckingham Palace in England has over six hundred rooms. -There was once an undersea post office in the Bahamas. -The "pound" key on your keyboard () is called an octotroph. -The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. -Table tennis balls have been known to travel off the paddle at speeds up to 160 km/hr. -Pepsi originally contained pepsin, thus the name. -The original story from "Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights" begins, "Aladdin was a little Chinese boy." -Honey is the only natural food that is made without destroying any kind of life. -The volume of the earth's moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific Ocean. -Cephalacaudal recapitulation is the reason our extremities develop faster than the rest of us. -Chinese Crested dogs can get acne. -Each year there is one ton of cement poured for each man woman and child in the world. -The house fly hums in the middle octave key of F. -The only capital letter in the Roman alphabet with exactly one end point is P. -The giant red star Betelgeuse has a diameter larger than that of the Earth's orbit around the sun. -Hummingbirds are the only animals that can fly backwards. -A cat's jaw cannot move sideways. -The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. -The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. -Some lions mate over 50 times a day. -The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. -The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." -Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is just one syllable. -A rat can last longer without water than a camel. -A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. -A 2" X 4" is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2". -There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple, silver and month. -The caterpillars of some Snout Moths (Pyralididae) live in or on water-plants. -The females of some moth species lack wings, all they can do to move is crawl. -If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. -The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA." -Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson." -California consumes more bottled water than any other product. -California has issued 6 drivers licenses to people named "Jesus Christ." -In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die. -Nevada is the driest state in the U.S.. Each year it averages 7.5 inches (19 cm) of rain. -In Utah, it is illegal to swear in front of a dead person. -Salt Lake City, Utah has a law against carrying an unwrapped ukulele on the street. -Arizona was the last of the 48 adjoining continental states to enter the Union. -Wyoming was the first state to give women the right to vote in 1869. -Denver, Colorado lays claim to the invention of the cheeseburger. -The first license plate on a car in the United States was issued in Denver, Colorado in 1908. -The state of Maryland has no natural Lakes. -Residents of Houston, Texas lead the U.S. in eating out - approximately 4.6 times per week. -Laredo, Texas is the U.S.'s farthest inland port. -Rugby, North Dakota is the geographical center of North America. -Butte County, South Dakota is the geographical center of the U.S. -Louisiana's capital building is the tallest one of any U.S. state. -Hawaii is the only coffee producing state. -One in seven workers in Boston, Massachusetts walks to work. -The "Dull Men's Hall of Fame" is located in Carroll, Wisconsin. -Gary, Indiana is the murder capital of the U.S. - probably the world. -Alabama was the first state to recognize Christmas as an official holiday. -The largest NFL stadium is the Pontiac Silverdome in Detroit, Michigan. -Michigan was the first state to have roadside picnic tables. -No matter where you stand in Michigan, you are never more than 85 miles from a Great Lake. -The official beverage of Ohio is tomato juice. -Georgia's state motto is "Wisdom, Justice and Moderation." -The U.S. city with the highest rate of lightning strikes per capita is Clearwater, Florida. -It's illegal to spit on the sidewalk in Norfolk, Virginia. -The first streetlights in America were installed in Philadelphia around 1757. -If you were to take a taxicab from New York City to Los Angeles, it would cost you $8,325. -In New York State, it is illegal to but any alcohol on Sundays before noon. -There were 240 pedestrian fatalities in New York City in 1994. -The first McDonald's restaurant in Canada was in Richmond, British Columbia. -In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting advertising space on his cows. -There are more donut shops in Canada per capita than any other country. -0.3% of all road accidents in Canada involve a Moose. -In Quebec, there is an old law that states margarine must be a different color than butter. -The largest taxi fleet in the world is found in Mexico City. The city boasts a fleet of over 60,000 taxis. -More than 90% of the Nicaraguan people are Roman Catholic. -Cuba is the only island in the Caribbean to have a railroad. -Jamaica has the most churches per square mile than any other country in the world. -The angel falls in Venezuela are nearly 20 times taller than Niagara Falls. -Canada is the only country not to win a gold medal in the summer Olympic games while hosting. -The Amazon is the world's largest river, 3,890 miles (6,259 km) long. -The people of France eat more cheese than any other country in the world. -King Louis XIX ruled France for 15 minutes. -The most common name in Italy is Mario Rossi. -Greece's national anthem has 158 verses. -In ancient Greece "idiot" meant a private citizen or layman. -Bulgarians are known to be the biggest yogurt eaters in the world. -Czechs are the biggest consumers of beer per male in the world. -A Czech man, Jan Honza Zampa, holds the record for drinking one liter of beer in 4.11 seconds. -Netherlands is the only country with a national dog. -When we think of Big Ben in London, we think of the clock. Actually, it's the bell. -The Automated Teller Machine (ATM) was introduced in England in 1965. -Buckingham Palace has 602 rooms. -Until 1997, there were more pigs than people in Denmark. -There is a hotel in Sweden built entirely out of ice; it is rebuilt every year. -Sweden has the least number of murders annually. -The country code for Russia is "007". -Russians generally answer the phone by saying, "I'm listening". -The U.S. bought Alaska for 2 cents an acre from Russia. -1 in 5 of the world's doctors are Russian. -Antarctica is the only continent that does not have land areas below sea level. -The people of Israel consume more turkeys per capita than any other country. -Nepal is the only country that has a non-rectangular flag. It is also asymmetrical. -1,800 cigarettes are smoked per person each year in China. -Respiratory Disease is China's leading cause of death. -There are more than 40,000 characters in the Chinese script. -More people speak English in China than the United States. -The toothbrush was invented in China in 1498. -Mongolia is the largest landlocked country. -Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000 and just 108.7 acres. -In Japan, watermelons are squared. It's easier to stack them that way. -98% of Japanese are cremated. -The number "four" is considered unlucky in Japan because it is pronounced the same as "death". -The average Japanese household watches more than 10 hours of television a day. -The Philippines has about 7,100 islands, of which only about 460 are more than 1 square mile in area. -Yo-yos were used as weapons by warriors in the Philippines in the 16th century. -Australian soldiers used the song "We're Off to See the Wizard" as a marching song in WWII. -The Australian $5 to $100 notes are made of plastic. -The Nullarbor Plain of Australia covers 100,000 square miles (160,900 km) without a tree. -Tasmania, Australia has the cleanest air in the inhabited world. -The first female guest host of "Saturday Night Live" was Candace Bergen. -In 1933, Mickey Mouse, an animated cartoon character, received 800,000 fan letters. -The Simpsons is the longest running animated series on TV. -The average human brain has about 100 billion nerve cells. -Nerve impulses to and from the brain travel as fast as 170 miles (274 km) per hour. -The thyroid cartilage is more commonly known as the adams apple. -The average life of a taste bud is 10 days. -The average cough comes out of your mouth at 60 miles (96.5 km) per hour. -Relative to size, the strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. -When you sneeze, all your bodily functions stop even your heart. -Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. -Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do. -Children grow faster in the springtime. -It takes the stomach an hour to break down cows' milk. -Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people do. -There are 10 human body parts that are only 3 letters long (eye hip arm leg ear toe jaw rib lip gum). -If you go blind in one eye you only lose about one fifth of your vision but all your sense of depth. -The average human head weighs about 8 pounds. -An average human scalp has 100,000 hairs. -The average human blinks their eyes 6,205,000 times each year. -Your skull is made up of 29 different bones. -Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the deaths of their cats. -Hair is made from the same substance as fingernails. -The surface of the human skin is 6.5 square feet (2m). -15 million blood cells are destroyed in the human body every second. -The pancreas produces Insulin. -The most sensitive cluster of nerves is at the base of the spine. -The human body is comprised of 80% water. -The average human will shed 40 pounds of skin in a lifetime. -There are 45 miles of nerves in the skin of a human being. -Canadian researchers have found that Einstein's brain was 15% wider than normal. -While in Alcatraz, Al Capone was inmate 85. -Astronaut Neil Armstrong first stepped on the moon with his left foot. -Jim Morrison, of the 60's rock group The Doors, was the first rock star to be arrested on stage. -Frank Lloyd Wright's son invented Lincoln Logs. -Peter Falk, who played "Columbo," has a glass eye. -Barbie's full name is "Babara Millicent Roberts." -The mother of Michael Nesmith of "The Monkees" invented whiteout. -Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump." -It is believed that Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. -The shortest British monarch was Charles I, who was 4 feet 9 inches. -Tina Turner's real name is Annie Mae Bullock. -Beethoven dipped his head in cold water before he composed. -President John F Kennedy could read 4 newspapers in 20 minutes. -Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns. -Anne Boleyn, Queen Elizabeth I's mother, had six fingers on one hand. -Orville Wright was involved in the first aircraft accident. His passenger, a Frenchman, was killed. -The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly. -Cher's last name was "Sarkissian." She changed it because no one could pronounce it. -Sugar was first added to chewing gum in 1869 by a dentist, William Semple. -Paper was invented early in the second century by Chinese eunuch. -Sir Isaac Newton was only 23 years old when he discovered the law of universal gravitation. -Hannibal had only one eye after getting a disease while attacking Rome. -A blue whales heart only beats nine times per minute. -A cat uses its whiskers to determine if a space is too small to squeeze through. -A chameleon's tongue is twice the length of its body. -A crocodiles tongue is attached to the roof of its mouth. -Rodent's teeth never stop growing. -The penguin is the only bird that can swim but can't fly. -The cheetah is the only cat that can't retract its claws. -Cats have over 100 vocal sounds; dogs only have 10. -Insects outnumber humans 100,000,000 to one. -Sharkskin has tiny tooth-like scales all over. -Chameleons can move their eyes in two directions at the same time. -Koalas never drink water. They get fluids from the eucalyptus leaves they eat. -A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime. -When sharks take a bite, their eyes roll back and their teeth jut out. -Camels chew in a figure 8 pattern. -Proportional to their size, cats have the largest eyes of all mammals. -Sailfish can leap out of the water and into the air at a speed of 50 miles (81 km) per hour. -The catfish has the most taste buds of all animals, having over 27,000 of them. -A skunk's smell can be detected by a human a mile away. -A lion in the wild usually makes no more than 20 kills a year. -The state of Florida is bigger than England. -The average American/Canadian will eat about 11.9 pounds of cereal per year! -There are over 58 million dogs in the US -In Raiders of the Lost Ark there is a wall carving of R2-D2 and C-3P0 behind the ark -"I" is the most spoken word in the English language -"You" is the second most spoken English word -Spain leads the world in cork production -There is a city in Norway called "Hell" -The human feet perspire half a pint of fluid a day -An Olympic gold medal must contain 92.5 percent silver -There are 240 dots on an arcade Pac-Man game -A pound of houseflies contains more protein than a pound of beef -The average American works 24,000 hours in their lifetime just to pay their taxes -40% of all people who come to a party in your home snoop in your medicine cabinet -A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. -Non-dairy creamer is flammable. -Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head." -There are more than 10 million bricks in the Empire State Building. -The World's Oldest Hotel Has Been Operating Since 705 A.D. -Yawning Cools Your Brain -It Takes 68 Days to Swim the Full Length of the Mississippi River -There Is a Boston Typewriter Orchestra -Fleas Are Among the World's Best Jumpers -An Apple Can Last up to 10 Months -The Word "Tragedy" Comes from an Ancient Greek Word Meaning "Goat Song" -The Creator of the Pringles Can is Buried in One -The Wizard of Oz's Full Name is Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkel Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs -Penguins Used to Be Six Feet Tall -A Brewery in Canada Makes Beer Using Water from 20,000-Year-Old Icebergs -The Slinky Was Created by Accident -At Any Given Moment, There Are Approximately 2,000 Thunderstorms Happening on Earth -Michelangelo Hated Painting the Sistine Chapel and Wrote a Poem About It -The Letter Z Was Removed from the Alphabet for 200 Years -The National Hot Dog and Sausage Council Ruled that Hot Dogs Aren't Sandwiches -A Coffee Taster Had His Tongue Insured for £10 Million -The Chills You Get When Listening to Music Are Caused by Your Brain Releasing Dopamine -More People Tuned Into Prince Charles and Princess Diana's Wedding Than for the Friends, Cheers, Seinfeld, and M*A*S*H finales combined -There are 10 Different Ways to Pronounce the Letters "Ough" -The Word for Black Belt in Japanese Translates to "First Step" -The World's Largest Pumpkin Weighs More Than a Sports Car -"Natiform" Is a Term for Something That Looks Like a Bum -Doctors Who Play Video Games More Than Three Hours a Week Make Fewer Operating Room Errors -The Average American Woman Owns Seven Pairs of Jeans and Only Wears Four -The Lines on the Inside of Your Wrist Have a Name -New York City Is Going to Get Bigger to Prepare for Climate Change -A Sneeze Sounds Different Around the World -A Belgian Pigeon Named Armando is Worth $1.4 Million -Mars Exploration Has Its Own Scottish Tartan -There Are More Than 60 Different Species of Eagles But Only Two Live in North America -A Symbol Used in Place of a Curse Word Is Called a Grawlix -Hairiness is Correlated With a Higher I.Q. -Spam Mail Got Its Name from Monty Python -Facebook's Blue Color Scheme is for Mark Zuckerberg's Benefit -A Pianist Set a Guinness World Record by Performing at a Record-Breaking Height in Honor of her Mom -Picasso Was a Suspect in the 1911 Mona Lisa Theft -President Obama is a Two-Time Grammy Winner -There's a Word for When You Can't Remember a Word -The Record Lowest Temperature in the U.S. Was -80°F -Male Monkeys Will Pay to Look at Female Monkeys -A "Ghost Word" Is a Word that Became a Word by Error -Legal Sea Food's Clam Chowder Has Been Served at Every Presidential Inauguration Since Reagan -The Burnt Part of a Candlewick Is Called the "Snaste" -Horseshoe Crabs Have Eyes All Over Their Bodies -Lenny Kravitz and Al Roker Are Related -Cheese May Prevent Nightmares -French Poodles Aren't French -Night Owls Tend to Be Smarter Than Early Birds -Every Dutch Police Car Has a Teddy Bear in It -There Is a Blonde Zebra in Africa -It's Illegal to Sell Photos of the Eiffel Tower at Night -There's a Patron Saint for Dentists -David Hasselhoff's Divorce Settlement Included Ownership of the Nickname "The Hoff" -The World's Longest Fingernails Are More Than Two Feet Long -Neanderthals Mass Produced Tools in a "Flintstone Factory" 60,000 Years Ago -Three Presidents Have Died on July 4th -Scientists Believe They've Found Fossils from the Day the Asteroid Killed the Dinosaurs -Barry Manilow Wrote the State Farm and Band-Aid Jingles -The "ManhattAnt" Is a Species of Ant Unique to New York City -Mr. Clean's Name Changes Around the Globe -The Earth Weighs About 13,170,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Pounds -The World's Oldest Tortoise is Twice as Old as Queen Elizabeth -Charles Dickens Always Had His Bed Facing North -One Region in Canada Has Lower Gravity Than Other Parts of the World -350 Slices of Pizza Sell Every Second in America -The World's Largest Waterfall Is Underwater in the Ocean -It Only Appears as if Our Hair and Nails Keep Growing After We Die -The World's Fist Hamburger Was Actually a Smushed Meatball -Ernest Hemingway's Former Home is Overrun With Cats -Tiny Pumpkin Toadlets Have a Glow-in-the-Dark Skeleton -"Aviation English" Is the Language All Pilots Must Speak, No Matter What Nationality They Are -Otters Hold Hands -Early Americans Used Corn Cobs as Toilet Paper -Ketchup Used to Be Considered a Medicine -Polar Bears Don't Have White Skin or Fur -Sudan Has Almost Twice as Many Pyramids as Egypt -Barbie and Ken Have Full Names -About 1 Out of Every 2,000 Babies Is Born With a Tooth -T-Mobile Owns the Color Magenta -The Only Words That Rhyme With "Purple" Are "Hirple" and "Curple" -The Spanish National Anthem Has No Lyrics -The Vatican's ATMs Are in Latin -There Are Frogs Smaller Than Your Fingernails -Spotted Skunks Do Handstands -A "Gowpen" Is What You Call It When You Cup Your Hands -There's a Town in Western New York Populated by Psychics -Asteroids Named After Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan Met Up Near Earth -Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights Was Originally a Political Movie -San Francisco is Mostly Water -Early Horses Had 14 Toes Total, While Modern Horses Only Have Four -Shakespeare Popularized the Name Jessica -There is a Hot Pink Lake in Australia -There Has Been One Documented Albino Penguin Chick -Stephen King Bought-and Smashed-the Automobile That Nearly Killed Him -The Empire State Building Has Its Own ZIP Code -Chuck E. Cheese is a Nickname -A Dog's Nose Is the Equivalent of a Human Fingerprint -"She Sells Seashells by the Seashore" Was Likely Written About a 1800s Female Paleontologist Who Sold Dinosaur Bones -The Color Orange Was Named After the Fruit -The Largest Sand Castle Ever Can Be Seen from Space -George Washington Was a Prolific Whiskey Maker -New York's Washington Square Park is a Former Graveyard -Jerry Springer Was Born in a London Subway Station During World War II -There's an Opposite of Deja Vu -Selfies Kill More People Than Sharks -There Are Seven U.S. Towns Named After Santa -There Are More Than a Million Ants For Every Person on Earth -Dextrophobia Is the Fear of Having Objects to Your Right -Andrew Jackson Owned a Lewd Parrot -The Longest Underwater Kiss Lasted 20 Minutes and 11 Seconds -Christmas With the Kranks Was Inspired by John Grisham -Aquatic Snail Teeth Are the Hardest Natural Material -Elephants Bury Their Dead -Jane Austen Referenced Baseball 40 Years Before it Was Officially Invented -Purdue University Created a Licking Machine to Finish Tootsie Pops -A British Man Created an All-Lego House -A Cat Served as the Mayor of an Alaska Town -You Can See Four States from the Top of Chicago's Willis Tower -Champagne Was Once Used as Shoe Polish -Astronauts Celebrate Christmas in Space -The Inventor of the Internet Regrets the URL Setup -The Pacific Ocean Houses a Mysterious Singing Whale -Sea Cucumbers Fight by Shooting Out Their Internal Organs Which Will Grow Back -Dentistry Is One of the Oldest Professions, Dating Back to 7000 B.C. -The Word "Computer" Was Used to Refer to a Person in the 1600s -Darth Vader Never Says "Luke, I Am Your Father" -The Very Middle of America is 2 Miles Northwest of Lebanon, Kansas on a Pig Farm -Bulls Can't See Red -Platypuses Moms Nurse Their Babies By Sweating Milk -There's an Island in Japan Almost Entirely Populated by Bunnies -British Military Tanks Are Equipped With a Tea-Making Area -Daniel Radcliffe Was Allergic to Harry Potter's Glasses -Most Wasabi Paste Isn't Real Wasabi -Avocados Don't Ripen on Trees -Olympic Gold Medals Are Only Partially Gold -There's Only One Flying Mammal in the World -You Need 10 Years of Cheesemaking Experience to Even Apply to Become a Master Cheesemaker -You're Most Likely to Die on Your Birthday -Your Dog Is as Smart as Your Toddler -McDonald's Serves Spaghetti in the Philippines -Google Was Nearly Called BackRub -The Winner of the North American Wife Carrying Championship Gets Their Spouse's Weight in Beer -Turkeys Sing -Pizza Hut Used to Buy More Kale Than Anyone in the U.S. -Divers Found the Remains of a 27,000-Year-Old Giant Sloth Stuck in a Sinkhole -A Flock of Ravens Is Called an "Unkindness" or a "Conspiracy" -In Michigan, You're Never Further than Six Miles from a Body of Water -Cell Phones Are Illegal in One West Virginia Town -A Grizzly-Polar Bear Hybrid Is Either Called a "Grolar Bear" or "Pizzly Bear" -"Albert Einstein" Is an Anagram for "Ten Elite Brains" -Waffle House Informs FEMA Decisions -The Bigger Your Brain, the Longer You Yawn -There's a Flower Shop in the White House -The Pittsburgh Pirates Considered Building Their Stadium Over a River -The First 3D Film Was Shown in 1922 -Ostriches Can Outrun Horses -Robert Downey, Jr. Used to Be Mr. Peanut's Voice -Theres Is a Global Drone Racing League for Elite Drone Pilots -Canada Has a Completely Indoor Town -The Largest Collection of Comic Books Is Nearly 102,000 Strong -Owls Have Three Sets of Eyelids -Béla Lugosi Was Buried in His Dracula Costume -The World's Largest Teddy Bear Collection Numbers More Than 8,000 -Two of John Tyler's Grandsons Are Still Alive -Cockroaches Can Survive Decapitation -One Year on Uranus Is 84 Years on Earth -In an Average Grocery Store, One-Quarter of All the Products Contain Ingredients That Come from Corn -You Can Die From Laughter -A Blue Whale's Heart is More Than Five Feet Long -A 3,500-Year-Old Tablet May Contain the World's Oldest "Yo Mama" Joke -Spiders Can Regrow Their Legs -Steve Jobs' Last Words Were Awe-Inspired -The Scientific Name for a "Brain Freeze" is Sphenopalatine Ganglioneuralgia -Cows Get Excited When They Problem Solve -Nearly One-Third of Alaska Lies Within the Arctic Circle -Roses Can Grow Taller Than People -No Two Tigers Have the Same Stripes -Sharks Can Grow Thousands of Teeth -Your Left Lung Is Smaller than Your Right Lung -The Killer's "Mr. Brightside" Lyrics Repeat Because of Procrastination -Early Pacemakers Had Wall Plugs -Arizona's Meteor Crater Is Actually Named After a Post Office -More Than 95 Percent of Passengers Involved in Plane Crashes Survive -U.S. Paper Money Contains Hundreds of Species of Microorganisms -New Hampshire Drinks the Most Alcohol of Any State -Green Bay, Washington, Is Known as the "Toilet Paper Capital of the World" -Betty White Predates Sliced Bread -Random Facts Infographics -There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. -The Grand Theft Auto franchise has lawsuits that total over $1 billion. -All clocks in Pulp Fiction are set to 4:20. -A dime has 118 ridges on its edge. -On average, a secretary will use its left hand for 56% of what they type on a keyboard. -The largest pair of eyes in the world belongs to the giant squid. -The Pokemon Rhydon was the first to ever be created. -Super Mario Land was the most popular game on the Game Boy during its release. -Japan has 23 vending machines per person. -Soccer balls were once used for playing basketball. -A candle's flame is hot and blue in zero gravity. -Putting sugar on a cut will make it heal faster. -X-rays can't detect real diamonds. -There are 7 different types of twins. -The national flag of Libya was formerly just the color green. -The plastic tips of shoelaces are called aglets. -Sign language has tongue twisters. -Penguins fly underwater. -Minnie the Mouse's first name is not Minnie. -Rudolph the Reindeer is female. -A jiffy is a proper unit of time. -April 11, 1954, was recorded as the most boring day in the world. -Tiramisu translates to 'take me to heaven' in Italian. -Buttermilk does not contain any butter. -Brunch was invented as a way of curing hangovers. -Hitler's nephew betrayed him. -The continental plates move at the same rate that fingernails grow. -Sailors working for the Royal Navy need special permission to grow their beards. -There are fewer stars than there are trees on Earth. -Mary and James are the most popular names around the world. -Children are born less frequently on Saturdays. -Danish mothers are known to be the most hardworking moms in the world. -75 burgers are sold in McDonald's every second. -1,700 people become millionaires every day in the U.S. -You can't hum while holding your nose. -You are more likely to have a weird or scary dream when sleeping on your stomach. -Your eyeballs do not grow or change their size as you age. -Blue-eyed people have higher alcohol tolerance. -Pubic hair lives for about 3 weeks long. -Male bees can only mate once. -Smelling green apples help with weight loss. -A snail has 2,500 teeth. -You can die from staying up for two weeks straight. -Pigeons can't fart. -Space partly smells like diesel fuel and barbeque. -One strand of hair can hold up to 3 ounces of weight. -Watching horror movies before viewing abstract art will enhance the experience. -Children's book author, Roald Dahl was a spy. -NASCAR drivers lose weight while racing. -Indians read the most in the world. -Cap'n Crunch was once sued for not using real berries. -The most widely printed book in the world is the catalog for IKEA. -Crocodiles are one of the planet's oldest living creatures. -The Aurora Borealis has a sister phenomenon. -The salty taste of bacon isn't natural. -There was a fifth member of the Beatles. -Apple once had a clothing line. -3 Musketeer chocolate bars used to have 3 flavors. -You cannot crack your knuckles. -The bones of the human body can multiply in density. -Your funny bone is a nerve. -A french pig was executed for killing a child. -Pineapples are named after pinecones. -Scotland has over 400 words to refer to snow. -There are more than 200 flavors of Kit Kat in Japan. -New Zealand was once auctioned on eBay. -There is a city in Oregon called Boring. -Leeches were used to predict the weather. -The '?!' punctuation mark has a term. -A man in Florida once threw a live alligator through a drive-thru window. -Great Britain once had a number where you can report rogue traffic cones. -The largest recorded snowflake is 15 inches wide. -American Airlines saved money by getting rid of olives from their meals. -'OMG' was first used in a letter to Winston Churchill in 1917. -Sailors consider black cats good luck. -A janitor invented the flaming hot Cheetos. -Melting glaciers make fizzy noises. -Male students attending Brigham Young University cannot grow beards. -A pistol can only be used by one hand. -Black taxis in London are tall for a reason. -Flipping a shark will render it temporarily immobile. -The largest living organism is an aspen grove. -Someone will write and recite a poem at your funeral if you die in the Netherlands. -Alan Shepard played golf on the moon. -Ioannis Ikonomou has been the chief translator of the European Parliament since 2002. -Kummerspeck is German for the weight gained during emotional eating. -SEARS once sold houses. -An encrypted monument stands outside of the CIA headquarters in Virginia. -Cold water is just as cleansing as hot water. -David Bowie helped topple the Berlin wall. -Tap water in Manhattan is not Kosher. -A park ranger from the U.S was once hit by lightning 7 times. -The fedora was originally a hat made for women. -The story of Beauty and the Beast was aimed to make women open to arranged marriages. -Timothy Leary escaped prison. -Bottled water has an expiration date. -Many pets from the U.S run away on July 4th. -Queen Elizabeth cannot sit on the Iron Throne. -Incan people used knots to keep track of records. -Monty Python has one of the most requested songs for funerals in England. -The state of Virginia may contain hidden treasure. -Fake ambulances are hired in Russia by the wealthy. -Most businesses do not see the practicality of having diaper tables. -The world's most successful pirate was a woman. -The KKK was taken down with help from Superman. -The Baseball Hall of Fame had a secret inductee. -Milk wagons are the reason why we have roadway lines. -The most successful predator is a wild dog. -A man was once saved by a sea lion. -Saliva can be used to monitor alcohol intake. -The world's largest pyramid cannot be found in Egypt. -Some pandas fake a pregnancy to get better healthcare. -Cacti come in many different colors other than green. -The inventor of the frisbee became a frisbee himself. -Dolphins have names. -One species of ants can only be found in Manhattan, New York. -Around 30,000 rubber ducks were lost at sea in 1992. -Charles Darwin's pet turtle outlived him. -Losing weight alters brain activity. -The folds in a chef's hat represents the number of ways you can cook an egg. -Cactus spines can be used to make hooks. -Depending on how they descend, waterfalls have different classifications. -Neil Armstrong never said 'That's one small step for man'. -The odds of getting a royal flush is 1 in 649,740. -Driving south from Detroit will lead to Canada. -More people speak English as their second language than those who use it as their mother tongue. -Sleep deprivation makes it harder to lose weight. -The world's largest single drop waterfall is the Kaieteur Falls. -Your teeth are unique. -The most popular state bird is the Northern cardinal. -Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13. -A single dollar bill costs 5 cents to make. -Baby sea otters are unable to swim. -The King of Hearts is the only King without a mustache. -Only two diseases have been completely eradicated. -The only English word that ends with 'mt' is Dreamt. -The opposite sides of dice will always equal 7. -The metal studs found on denim jeans serve a particular purpose. -The average adult spends more time on the toilet than exercising. -Bananas get their curved shape by growing towards the sun. -Your fingernails on your dominant hand grow faster. -Apple seeds contain cyanide. -Frigate birds can sleep while flying. -Only one capital in the U.S has no McDonald's. -People used to answer the phone with "ahoy". -Playing dance music helps ward off mosquitoes. -Billy goats urinate on their heads to become more attractive. -Among all the Disney princesses, Mulan has the highest kill count. -Pinocchio cannot say 'my nose will grow now'. -You are 13.8% more likely to die on your date of birth. -Alaska is the only state whose name is on a single row on the keyboard. -Many oranges are green. -Vantablack has a trademark. -A man once set a record by putting on over 260 t-shirts. -Queen Elizabeth is a trained mechanic. -Optical illusions can be found at the bottom of the sea. -123456 is the most common password. -The average American spends 2.5 days annually looking for lost items. -Technicolored squirrels roam the lands of Southern India. -Basenji dogs can't bark. -Dragonflies can't walk. -Space travel makes mice run in circles. -The chicken is the closest relative to the T-Rex. -Two-thirds of millennials go to sleep naked. -Sloths hold their breaths longer than dolphins. -More monopoly money is printed annually rather than actual currency. -'Schoolmaster' is an anagram of 'the classroom'. -Ravens are always aware when someone is watching them. -An eagle is capable of killing a young deer and flying away with it. -Baby spiders are called spiderlings. -A palindrome is a sentence that is the same when read backward and forwards. -The average male will become bored after 26 minutes of shopping. -Baby octopuses are the size of a flea. -The premiere of the TV reality show '16 and pregnant' helped lower the rate of teen pregnancy. -Up to 20% of power outages in the U.S are due to squirrels. -The Mayo Clinic made glow in the dark cats while trying to find a cure for AIDS. -The Antarctic glaciers are made up of 3% penguin urine. -The happiest prisoner on death row had an IQ of 46. -Violin bows are made from horsehair. -IKEA is an acronym. -Stephen Hawking held a reception for time travelers in 2009. -A Norwegian Island made dying illegal. -People who post their fitness routine on social media are more likely to have psychological problems. -Dr Pepper does not have a period. -There is an underwater version of rugby. -You can burn calories just by standing. -Mice typically only live for 6 months in the wild. -The backward punctuation mark is used to identify sarcasm. -If a body is too obese, it can cause complications when being cremated. -Flossing your teeth improves memory. -A common souvenir people bring from the U.S are red solo cups. -Ben & Jerry's made a graveyard for their former flavors. -Pluto was one temporarily closer to the sun than Neptune. -About $3.70 is given to an American child per tooth they lose. -There is a scientific term for brain freezes. -Only one letter in the English alphabet cannot be found on the periodic table. -The calling shotgun for the front passenger seat comes from a messenger. -A single strand of spaghetti is individually referred to as spaghetto. -Pointing your car keys to your head helps you find your car faster. -The fat Buddha statue and in pictures is not Buddha himself. -A jockey from 1923 managed to finish a race after dying. -The largest prime number has 17,425,170 digits. -The largest grand piano in the world was built by a teenager. -A Polish doctor once faked an outbreak to keep the Nazi's away. -The 1996 film called Scream increased the usage of caller IDs in the U.S. -The spiked dog collars are meant to protect their necks from attacks. -Jack Daniels died from a toe injury. -The boss in Metal Gear Solid 3 takes a week to beat. -The correct English translation for Jesus is Joshua. -The first service animals were established in Germany. -The planet was named Pluto thanks to an 11-year-old girl. -Around 50% of the mined gold on Earth comes from one source. -12 plants and 5 animals make up 75% of diets around the world. -Shakira was rejected from her elementary choir group. -Minnesota has the world's quietest room. -The Japanese have its own word for book hoarders. -Every decade, brain fibers lose 10% of their strength. -The happiest countries in the world have the highest antidepressant consumers. -The official language of Ireland is not the most spoken in the country. -Sourtoe cocktails are served in Yukon. -The release of Pokemon GO increased game-related accidents by 26.5%. -A BBC radio announcer once stated that they did not have any news. -Starfishes do not have blood. -The most mathematical flag in the world belongs to Nepal. -It did not take more than $1M to build Mt. Rushmore. -Samsung translates to 'three stars' in Korean. -Geckos eat the skin they shed. -The U.S. government issued Santa Claus a pilot's license. -Polar bears charge at a group of walruses while hunting. -You are able to become less depressed if you stay up. -Adult cats will only meow at humans. -There are more possible arrangements in shuffling a deck of cards than there are stars in the sky. -Therapy has been found to be least effective at battling depression compared to playing video games. -Bi-weekly has two connotations. -In 1911, the Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre. -Connecticut accidentally issued an Emergency Evacuation Alert in 2005. -Russians believe that eating ice cream will keep you warm. -Lemurs were one the size of gorillas. -Adding all the numbers on a roulette wheel will equivalent to 666. -The day after Thanksgiving is the busiest day for American plumbers. -Mount Everest is not the tallest mountain in our solar system. -Russell Horning is famous on the internet as the Backpack Kid. -The oldest currency in the world is the British pound. -The Great Pyramid of Giza has more than four sides. -The only innate fear we have at birth is the fear of falling and loud noises. -The average horse is capable of 746 watts of power. -The Leaning Tower of Pisa is tilted due to the soil at its base. -Slavery was once legal in Mauritania. -England and Portugal still maintain their alliance until today. -Garlic is known to attract leeches. -Uranus takes 84 years to orbit the sun. -A shape with 26 sides is known as a rhombicuboctahedron. -Applying equal pressure on an egg will prevent it from breaking. -There are over 6,000 species of grass. -The Earth holds about 11 quintillion pounds of air. -There is a term for a person that is perpetually afraid of being late. -The queens in ant colonies live for around 30 years. -The map size in GTA V is twice the actual size of Manhattan. -The paint on the Eiffel tower is equivalent to ten elephants. -The largest living thing on Earth is a tree. -You can fit about 400 grapevines in one acre of land. -Multiplying 1089 by 9 will give you the same numbers in reverse. -August 17th celebrates Black Cat Appreciation Day. -Eminem's 'Rap God' holds the world record for the most words in a hit single. -A British scientist studying chocolate has her taste buds insured. -The Titanic included dogs as their passengers. -China has a series of underground tunnels. -Pitbulls are ranked as the most affectionate breed of dogs. -Tanning beds increase your risk of developing melanoma. -One of the cleanest dog breeds in the world are poodles. -Owls have specialized feathers. -The human brain uses 20% of the oxygen in your body. -Staying in a negative relationship can lower your immune system. -The insect population of the world is 1 billion times more than the world population. -People once believed that chewing on tree bark will keep your gums healthy. -Kangaroos never stop growing. -Red blood cells circulate your body at an amazing speed. -The flashes of light when you rub your eyes are called phosphenes. -Cordozar Calvin Broadus Jr. is Snoop Dog's real name. -Lemurs use millipedes as an insect repellent and to get high. -The phrase "hands down" comes from horseracing. It refers to a jockey who's so far ahead that he can afford to drop his hands and loosen the reins (usually kept tight to encourage a horse to run) and still easily win. -There are some spiders that keep tiny frogs as pets to stop pests that try to eat the spider's eggs. -In a room with just 23 people, there's a 50-50 chance that at least two people have the same birthday. -Hot water freezes faster than cold water. -The couple in the painting "American Gothic" are actually father and daughter and not husband and wife. -The chainsaw was originally created to aid in childbirth. -Sharks have no bones. -Orcas are a natural predator to moose. -A chicken named Mike lived for 18 months after its head was chopped off. -The Brontosaurus never existed. -Wombat poop is square. -Soft-shelled turtles urinate through their mouth. -On average, the closest planet to Earth is Mercury. On average, the closest planet to Pluto is also Mercury. -Square watermelons are grown in Japan. -German Chocolate Cake has nothing to do with Germany. It was named after English-American Samuel German who developed a formulation of dark baking chocolate that came to be used in the cake recipe. -The US has lost 6 nuclear weapons. -Whale sharks have teeth on their eyeballs. -It's legal for anyone over 5 years old to drink alcohol in the UK. -Bubbles are the number one cause of damage to ship propellers. -A woodpecker's tongue wraps around its brain. -Red, green, yellow, and orange bell peppers are all the same type of pepper with their color difference being caused by being at different stages of ripeness. -You could fit all the planets between the Earth and the moon. -Australia exports camels to the Middle East. -Australia exports sand to Saudi Arabia. -Camels originated in North America. -It took Erno Rubik, the creator of the Rubik's Cube, about one month to solve the cube after he created it. -If a Lone Star Tick bites you, you may become allergic to red meat. -A dog named Duke was the mayor of Cormorant, Minnesota for four consecutive terms before retiring at 91 in dog years. -The Canary Islands were named after dogs, not canaries. -The Dingo Fence in Australia is longer than the distance between New York City to London. -Tommy Fitzpatrick stole a small plane in 1956 from New Jersey on a bet and then landed it on the narrow street in front of the bar where he had been drinking in Manhattan. Two years later, he did it again after someone didn't believe he had done it the first time. -Broccoli, Brussels sprouts, cabbage, cauliflower, collard greens, gai lan, kale, kohlrabi, and savoy are all the same species of plant called "Brassica oleracea" -Mark Twain was born on the same day Halley's Comet flew by the earth. He said "I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it." Halley's Comet appeared on April 21, 1910, which is the day Mark Twain died. -There are more public libraries in the US than Starbucks or McDonalds. -Kermit Roosevelt, Theodore Roosevelt's grandson, overthrew Iran for the US government. -The longest boxing match went 110 rounds and over 7 hours. -More than eighty percent of the Earth's ocean is unmapped, unobserved, and unexplored. -There are more trees on earth than stars in the Milky Way galaxy. -Australia once lost a war to emus (the birds). -A giraffe and a human have the same number of bones in their necks. -It's suspected that on Neptune and Uranus, it rains diamonds. -If sound could travel through space, the noise that the sun would be the equivalent to a train horn from 1 meter away. -There are different sizes of infinity. -Smallpox is the only infectious disease that affects humans to have been eradicated. -Drinking too much water can be fatal. -There are at least 200 dead bodies on Mt Everest, some of which are used as climbing markers. -When a person gets a kidney transplant, they usually just leave the original kidneys in their body and put the 3rd kidney in the lower abdomen. -The founder of Match.com, Gary Kremen, lost his girlfriend to another man she met on Match.com -If you could fold a piece of paper in half 42 times, it would reach the moon. -The first can opener wasn't invented until almost 50 years after the invention of the can. -During World War 2 the US created a bomb that used live bats. -Most people have an above-average number of arms. -In 1919, a wave a molasses rushed through the streets of Boston killing 21 people and injuring 150. -Twinkies only have a shelf life of 45 days. -The fortune cookie was likely invented in the US by people of Japanese descent. -You don't need to wait 24 hours to file a missing person report. -"Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo" is a grammatically correct sentence. -The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) uses Waffle House Restaurants being open or closed as one way to determine the effect of a storm and the likely scale of assistance required for disaster recovery. -There's a real music piece name 4′33″ that involves all the musicians just silently holding their instruments. -The US Supreme Court ruled in 1893 that a tomato is a vegetable and not a fruit. -The smallest park in the world is a circle in a street 2 feet across. -15% of all public corporations in the United States use a drab two-story office space in Delaware as their tax haven including half of all Fortune 500 companies. -A town in Pennsylvania has had an uncontrolled fire burning since 1962. -A jail for polar bears exists. -There is a part of Yellowstone National Park where a person could theoretically get away with murder due to a loophole. -The eighth power of a number is a zenzizenzizenzic. -Cosmic Latte is the average color of the universe. -There was a proposed Amendment to the US Constitution in 1916 that would put all acts of war to a national vote, and anyone voting yes would have to register as a volunteer for service in the United States Army. -A Japanese company gives its non-smoking employees 6 extra vacation days to compensate for smoking breaks. -"Military Grade" is a marketing ploy. In the actual military, "military grade" is defined as "meeting the bare-minimum requirements of durability, while also costing the least." -A Georgia teacher who bought a $400 travel insurance policy was rewarded $10,000 because she read the fine print of the contract. -Babies have 300 bones when born while an adult only has 206 bones. -One teaspoon of neutron star material weighs six billion tons. -Due to their fur, the polar bear is relatively "invisible" to an infrared camera -Venus spins the wrong way compared to other planets. -Nintendo has existed as a company since 1889 -In 1961 two hydrogen bombs were accidentally dropped over North Carolina. A glitch prevented them from detonating. -Oxford University is older than the Aztec Empire -NASA mistakenly erased the original tape of the first steps on the moon. -Camels store water their bloodstream, not their hump which is fatty tissue. -Earth used to be purple. -There are only two countries in the world that use the color purple in their flag. -Canada's forests make up nearly 9% of the world's total forest area. -1 out of every 200 men is a direct descendant of Genghis Khan. -There are only two countries in the world that have "The" as part of their country's name. -People living in the southern hemisphere see the moon upside down compared to people living in the northern hemisphere. -More photos were taken in the past seven years than in all of the previous history. -You have no major muscles in your fingers. All muscles that control finger movement are in your forearm and palm. -Sharks lived on earth before trees. -Because there are more molecules of air in one breath than there are breaths in the atmosphere, every breath you take likely contains at least one molecule of Newton's last breath. -George Washington never knew dinosaurs existed. -90% of the world's population lives in the Northern Hemisphere. -Most of the visible stars you see in the night sky are binary stars - two stars orbiting each other. -In space, you don't need welding materials to get two metals to fuse. They will do it on their own if you place them close enough together. -A day on Venus lasts longer than a year on Venus. -Jupiter has over 70 moons. -If the sun dies, it'll take about 8 minutes before we realize it has. -The festive tradition of the Christmas tree dates back thousands of years to the Romans and Ancient Egyptians. -There are more than 1,000 kinds of bats in the world. -Bees are found everywhere in the world apart from Antarctica. -The average star is between 1 and 10 billion years old -It is illegal to stand within 90 meters of the Queen without socks on. -Australia has the most amount of reptiles in the world -You might think that stars are all the same, but each star is a different color depending on their temperature. -As well as having unique finger prints, we all have unique tongue prints. -There are more stars in space than there are grains of sand on a beach. -It would take only one hour to drive to space. -It is impossible to lick your own elbow. -A hippopotamus can run faster than a man. -Water covers 70% of Earth. -Most insects hatch from eggs. -The sun looks super close but it would take 70,000 years in our fastest spaceship to reach it. -About 70% of an adult's body is water. -Your nose and ears continue growing for your entire life. -Dogs' hearing is 10 times better than a human's. -A dog's nose is like a human finger print – unique to its owner. -Apples float on water! -Number four is the only one with the same amount of letters. -You can not talk and inhale or exhale at the same time... try it! -More than 480million people have played Monopoly. -Your heart is about the same size as your fist. -A Tiger's skin is striped, like it's fur. -Frogs drink water through their skin. -A pet hamster can run up to 8 miles a night on a wheel. -Monkeys can go bald in old age, just like humans. -No word in the dictionary rhyme with the word orange. -The opposite sides of the dice always add up to seven. -An average yawn lasts six seconds. -Dogs can smell 100,000 times better than humans. -Only male toads croak. -Owls can't move their eyeballs -There is a tree called the Idiot Fruit, it grows in Australia's Daintree rainforest -When you grow up you'll have 32 teeth -Every step you take uses 200 different muscles in the body. -There may have been four different Ice Ages, where the world was completely covered in ice, not just one. -It won't be possible to walk on planets like Jupiter, Neptune, Saturn or Uranus as they don't have a solid surface and are made of gases mostly. -A bolt of lightning is five times hotter than the sun. -A prawn or shrimp's heart is in their heads. -Humans share 50% of their DNA with bananas. -The world's tallest man was Robert Wadlow from Michigan, America. He measured 8 feet and 2 inches (or 272cm). -'Arachibutyrophobia' is the fear of getting peanut bar stuck to the roof of your mouth. -All babies are born with blue eyes. -The world's heaviest carrot grown by Christopher Qualley in the USA weighed 10.7kg (or 22.44 lb). -French fries originated in Belgium, not France. -Emperor penguins can last 27 minutes underwater and can dive as deep as 500m. -Octopuses have blue blood and nine brains. -There are about 100,000 muscles in an elephant's trunk, but not a single bone. -You can hear a lion's roar from a distance of 3 miles. -Prairie dogs "kiss" each other as a way to identify each other. -Female lions do about 90% of the hunting. -Cows get stressed when they are separated from their best friends. -There are over 400 million dogs in the entire world. -Orcas are not whales at all, they are actually a type of dolphin. -Cats only meow to talk to humans. They do not meow to communicate with other cats. -Baby elephants use their trunks the same way that baby humans use a pacifier. Baby elephants find sucking on their trunks very calming. -Octopuses have nine brains. -Cows have 4 stomachs. -Rats are ticklish! And they laugh when they are tickled. -Male seahorses are the ones who give birth. -Bats can eat up to 1,000 insects in an hour. -Polar bears are not white-their fur is actually transparent. -Flamingos eat with their head upside down. -Bats are the only mammals that can fly, but their leg bones are so thin that it is almost impossible for them to walk. -Ants don't have lungs. -Grizzly bears can run up to 30 miles per hour. -Next to humans, mosquitoes are the deadliest animal on Earth. -Ostrich's eyes are bigger than its brain. -A group of frogs is called an army. -Hummingbirds can fly backward. -Kangaroos cannot walk backward. -Horses and cows can sleep standing up. -Hippopotamus milk is pink. -Starfish have no brains. -Alaska is both the most western and most eastern state in the United States. -Greenland is the world's largest island. -The English language is spoken in more than 100 countries around the world. -Vatican City is the smallest country in the world. -Antarctica is the only continent with no permanent human residents. -Dust from the Sahara Desert in Africa can travel great distances-even as far as Texas. -Maine is the closest state to Africa. -The state of California has more people than the entire country of Canada. -The Dead Sea is the lowest place on the planet. -Istanbul is the only city in the world located on two continents-Europe and Asia. -Water covers about 70% of the Earth's surface. -Russia is just two miles from Alaska. -The Atlantic Ocean is saltier than the Pacific Ocean. -People can fart after they die. -Clouds aren't weightless-they can actually be way over a million pounds. -Because bananas contain potassium, they are radioactive. -Human babies have more bones than adults. -Chalk is made up of fossils. -The acid in your stomach can dissolve steel. -All planets spin counterclockwise except for Venus. -Because of gravity, you would weigh less on the moon than on Earth. -The human brain cannot feel pain. -On average, the human body is made up of 60% water. -Plankton, seaweed, and other ocean organisms create over half the world's oxygen. -White is not actually a color, but the absence of all colors. -Strawberries are the only fruits with their seeds on the outside. -When cranberries are ripe, they can bounce like a ball. -Wind is actually silent. What we hear is the wind blowing against an object. -Contrary to popular belief, lightning can strike twice. -The human nose can detect a trillion different scents. -Human noses and ears never stop growing. -The human heart beats 115,000 times a day. -Women's hearts beat faster than men's. -Apples are actually a part of the rose family. -The planet Neptune's days are 16 hours long. -Humans lose about 50-100 hairs a day. -Boys have fewer taste buds than girls. -You can still see traces of Neil Armstrong's footprints on the moon. -It takes your body about 12 hours to fully digest food. -About half of the bones in your body are in your hands and feet. -Alexander the Great was buried alive. -Cleopatra wasn't Egyptian-she was Greek. -The Statue of Liberty was originally supposed to be located in the Suez Canal. -Tug of war used to be an Olympic sport. -Abraham Lincoln was a champion wrestler. -During the Victorian era it was popular for people to take photographs of their loved ones after they had died. -Thomas Edison and John Adams died hours apart on July 4, 1826. -The war between the Netherlands and the Isles of Scilly lasted 335 years, and not a single person was killed. -Romans used urine as mouthwash. -Before becoming president, Lincoln lost 5 different elections. -Thomas Edison did not invent the lightbulb. -Most people cannot lick their elbows. -You cannot sneeze with your eyes open. -The Olympics used to give medals for art, not just sports. -A jar of Nutella is sold every 2.5 seconds. -French fries are Belgian, not French. -Before alarm clocks, people would pay someone to knock on their window and wake them up. They were called knocker-uppers. -Make tea not war! All British armored vehicles have the equipment needed to make tea. -There are 31,557,600  seconds in a year. -Arithmophobia is the fear of numbers. -Your nose may not grow like Pinocchio's, but it does get warmer when you tell a lie. -Tomatoes and avocados are actually fruits, not vegetables -The Queen of England has two birthdays. -The number four is the only number to have the same amount of letters as its value. -Every human has a unique tongue print. -In your lifetime, you will spend 25 years sleeping. -You cannot smell while you sleep. -Brown is the most common eye color. -You will get cell phone service on the top of Mount Everest. -You can buy a square watermelon in Japan. -Newborn babies are colorblind. -Three presidents, all Founding Fathers-John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and James Monroe-died on July 4. Presidents Adams and Jefferson also died the same year, 1826; President Monroe died in 1831. Coincidence? You decide. -The Barbie doll's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts, from Willows, Wisconsin. Her birthday is March 9, 1959, when she was first displayed at the New York Toy Fair. -There actually aren't "57 varieties" of Heinz ketchup, and never were. Company founder H.J. Heinz thought his product should have a number, and he liked 57. Hint: Hit the glass bottle on the "57," not the bottom, to get the ketchup to flow. -One of President John Tyler's grandsons is still alive today-and he was born in 1790. How is this possible? President Tyler, the 10th US president, was 63 when his son Lyon Tyler was born in 1853; Lyon's son was born when he was 75. President Tyler's living grandson, Harrison Tyler is 92. Lyon's other son Lyon Jr. passed away in 2020 at the age of 95. The Tyler family still maintains the President's home, Sherwood Forest Plantation in Virginia. -The tallest man ever recorded was American giant Robert Wadlow (1918–1940), who stood 8 feet 11 inches. Wadlow's size was the result of abnormally enlarged pituitary gland. -The tallest living man is 37-year-old Sultan Kosen, from Turkey, who is 8 feet, 2.8 inches, who set the record in 2009. His growth is also due to a pituitary issue. -The oldest person ever to have lived (whose age could be authenticated), a French woman named Jeanne Louise Calment, was 122 years old when she died in 1997. -Sliced bread was first manufactured by machine and sold in the 1920s by the Chillicothe Baking Company in Missouri. It was the greatest thing since...unsliced bread? -The Earl of Sandwich, John Montagu, who lived in the 1700s, reportedly invented the sandwich so he wouldn't have to leave his gambling table to eat. -The first college football game was played on November 6, 1869, between Rutgers and Princeton (then known as the College of New Jersey) in New Brunswick, New Jersey. Rutgers won. -Experiments in universities have actually been carried out to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, both with machine and human lickers (because this is important scientific knowledge!). The results ranged from 252 to 411. -The Four Corners is the only spot in the US where you can stand in four states at once: Utah, Colorado, Arizona and New Mexico. -Canada is south of Detroit . -The original name for the search engine Google was Backrub. It was renamed Google after the googol, which is the number one followed by 100 zeros. -The oldest-known living land animal is a tortoise named Jonathan, who is 187 years old. He was born in 1832 and has lived on the island of St. Helena in the Atlantic Ocean since 1882. -Bats are the only mammal that can actually fly. -Wombats are the only animal whose poop is cube-shaped. This is due to how its intestines form the feces. The animals then stack the cubes to mark their territory. -The most common wild bird in the world isn't the sparrow or blue jay-it's the red-billed quelea, which live in Africa and have an estimated population of 1.5 billion. -The heart of the blue whale, the largest animal on earth, is five feet long and weighs 400 pounds. The whale in total weighs 40,000 pounds. -For comparison, an elephant's heart weighs around 30 pounds. And a human heart? A mere 10 ounces. -Elephants can't jump. -Cows don't actually have four stomachs; they have one stomach with four compartments. -The platypus doesn't have a stomach at all: Their esophagus goes straight to their intestines. -This is one animal myth that's true: Eating parts of a pufferfish can kill you because, in a defense mechanism to ward off predators, it contains a deadly chemical called tetrodotoxin. There's enough in one pufferfish to kill 30 people-and there's no antidote. Still, pufferfish, called fugu, is a highly-prized delicacy in Japan, but can only be prepared by well-trained chefs. -Polar bears have black skin. And actually, their fur isn't white-it's see-through, so it appears white as it reflects light. -Tigers' skin is actually striped, just like their fur. Also, no two fur patterns are alike. -Flamingoes are only pink because of chemicals called carotenoids in the algae and fish they eat; their feathers are grayish white when they're born. -Mosquitoes are the deadliest animal in the world: They kill more people than any other creature, due to the diseases they carry. -What do Miss Piggy and Yoda have in common? They were both voiced by the same person, puppeteer Frank Oz. -Psycho was the first movie to show a toilet flushing. -One of the most famous movie lines in history was never said. We often quote, "Play it again, Sam," from Casablanca; but the real line is, "Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By.'" -The green code in The Matrix was actually created from symbols in the code designer's wife's sushi cookbook. -The wedding of Princess Diana and Prince Charles was watched by 750 million people worldwide in 1981; sadly, 2.5 billion watched her funeral in 1997. -With 3.572 billion viewers, half the world's population watched the 2018 FIFA World Cup of soccer (or football, as many international fans call it), which is held every four years. That number is on par with the 2016 Summer Olympics; but only a quarter of the world watched the less-popular Winter Olympics in 2018. -There are no muscles in your fingers: Their function is controlled by muscles in your palms and arms. -The hardest working muscle in your body is your heart: It pumps more than 2,000 gallons of blood a day and beats more than 2.5 billion times in a 70-year life span. -It's impossible to hum while holding your nose . -Skin is the body's largest organ. -The earth's circumference is 24,900 miles. -All of an adult human's blood vessels, if laid out end to end, would be about 100,000 miles, so they could encircle the earth four times. -According to recent research, the human nose can distinguish at least a trillion different odors. -The longest fingernails ever were over 28 feet in total. American Lee Redmond started growing them in 1979 and set the record in 2008. Sadly, she lost her nails in a car crash in 2009. -The origin of the word "sinister" reflects a historical bias against left-handed people. It comes from the Latin word for "left," which was also seen to be unlucky or evil. -There is not one letter "q" in any US state name, the only letter in the alphabet to be missing. "J" and "z" are only represented once each, in New Jersey and Arizona. -The word "strengths" is the longest word in the English language with only one vowel. -Cartoonist Mort Walker, creator of Beetle Bailey, came up with names for the things we often see in comics and cartoons: "briffit" is the dust cloud a character makes when he runs away quickly; "plewds" are the beads of sweat when a character is under duress; and "grawlix" are symbols such as "#@*%" that stand in for curse words. -A mash-up of two words to make a new word (such as breakfast and lunch into brunch, or motel from motor and hotel) is called a portmanteau. In case you're wondering, the word "portmanteau" itself is not a portmanteau; it's a compound word that refers to a duel-sided suitcase. -The dog ate John Steinbeck's homework-literally. The author's pup chewed up an early version of Of Mice and Men. "I was pretty mad, but the poor fellow may have been acting critically," he wrote. -Among lost works, this story might be even worse: Ernest Hemingway's first wife, Hadley, left a suitcase full of the author's writing on a train. When she went back to get it, it was gone. "I had never seen anyone hurt by a thing other than death or unbearable suffering except Hadley when she told me about the things being gone," Hemingway wrote in A Moveable Feast. -The original title of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice was First Impressions. -Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein when she 18, during a ghost story competition while staying in Switzerland with writers Percy Shelley (her lover) and Lord Byron. -German chocolate cake doesn't come from Germany. It was named for a person, Sam German, who created a type of baking chocolate for Baker's in 1852. -Hawaiian pizza was created in Ontario, Canada, by Greek immigrant Sam Panopoulos in 1962. -Almost all commercially grown artichokes, 99.9 percent, come from California. One town in particular, Castroville, is nicknamed "the Artichoke Capital of the World." -The different colors of Froot Loops cereal all taste the same-they're not individual flavors. -What's inside a Kit Kat? Broken Kit Kats that are damaged during production-they get ground up and go between the wafers inside, along with cocoa and sugar. That's a way to not let anything go to waste! -Pound cake got its name because the original recipe required a pound each of butter, flour, sugar and eggs. That's a lot of cake-but it was meant to last for a long time. -The difference between jam and jelly is that jam is made with mashed up fruit while jelly is made with fruit juice. -Preserves are like jam but made with more whole fruit. Marmalade is preserves made from citrus fruit. -Flamin' Hot Cheetos were developed by a janitor at Frito-Lay, Richard Montanez, who got the idea after putting chili powder on some reject Cheetos and then pitched it to the CEO. He's now a successful executive and motivational speaker, and a movie is in the works about his life. -Coca-Cola actually sells soup in a can. Bistrone is a nourishing meal on the go, available in two flavors in Japan. -The biggest pizza ever created was 13,580 square feet, made in Rome, Italy, in 2012. The pizza was gluten-free and named "Ottavia" after a roman emperor. -The tallest building in the world is the Burg Khalifa in Dubai, standing at over 2,700 feet. -The tallest building in the US is One World Trade Center in New York, which comes in at number six on the worldwide list. It stands at exactly 1,776 feet as a nod to the date of the Declaration of Independence. -The Empire State Building in New York was the tallest building in the world from 1931 until 1971, and was the first building of over 100 floors. -Contrary to popular belief, it's really, really hard to see the Great Wall of China from space, particularly with the naked eye. -The first footprints on the moon will remain there for a million years. -Days on Venus are longer than years. Due to its slow axis rotation, it takes 243 Earth days to spin once; but it only takes 225 Earth days to go around the sun. -Humans could never "land" on Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus or Neptune because they are made of gas and have no solid surface. -But you could ice skate on one of Jupiter's moons, Europa, which is covered in ice. An Axel jump would take you 22 feet in the air! -Our modern interpretation of Santa Claus with a red outfit and white beard is due in large part to holiday Coca-Cola ads that began in 1931. -Queen Victoria's husband, Prince Albert, wasn't the first to introduce Christmas trees to Britain from his native Germany-Queen Charlotte did that in the late 1700s. But, Victoria and Albert are credited with popularizing the custom in the mid-1800s. -Buckingham Palace in London, England, has 775 rooms, including 78 bathrooms. -The White House in Washington, DC, has 132 rooms, including 35 bathrooms. -It takes 570 gallons to paint the exterior of the White House. -The teddy bear is named after President Theodore Roosevelt. After he refused to shoot a captured black bear on a hunt, a stuffed-animal maker decided to create a bear and name it after the president. -Lincoln Logs were created by John Lloyd Wright, son of famous architect Frank Lloyd Wright, in the 1920s. They were named after Abraham Lincoln, who grew up in a log cabin. -Play-Doh started out as a wallpaper cleaner before the head of the struggling company realized the non-toxic material made a good modeling clay for children and rebranded it. -In the 1940s, a retired schoolteacher came up with Candyland to entertain children who were hospitalized from polio. Because its color system required no reading, young kids could easily play. -People started wearing pajamas, originally spelled "pyjamas," instead of nightgowns so they'd be prepared to run outside in public during World War I air raids in England. -At Medieval Times dinner attractions, you eat with your hands because people didn't use utensils in the middle ages. -Freelancers originally referred to self-employed, sword-wielding mercenaries: literally "free lancers." -We shake hands to show we're unarmed. -Although no longer connected to the beer company, Guinness World Records was founded by the managing director of Guinness Brewery in the 1950s. . -Michelin stars are highly coveted by elite and upscale restaurants the world over-but they're actually given out by the Michelin tire company, the same one whose mascot is the marshmallow-like Michelin Man. If you want to get fancy, pronounce it in the original French, "mich-LEH." -More people visit France than any other country (Spain is second; the US third). -You can still stay at the world's oldest hotel, Nisiyama Onsen Keiunkan in Japan, which was founded in 705 AD. -The longest place name in the word, at 85 letters, is "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu," New Zealand. Locals just call it Taumata Hill. -The coldest temperature ever recorded occurred in Antarctica, -144 Fahrenheit, as reported by researchers in a scientific journal in 2018. -The hottest temperature ever recorded occurred in Furnace Creek, Death Valley, California, at 134 degrees Fahrenheit on July 10, 1913. -Japan records the most earthquakes of any country in the world; but the most earthquakes actually occurs in Indonesia. -Each year 16 million thunderstorms happen around the world, and at any given moment, there are about 2,000 thunderstorms in progress. -Sweden has 267,570 islands, the most of any country in the world. -Australia contains a number of pink lakes, but the most stunning is the Pepto Bismol-colored Lake Hillier. The color may be the result of certain algae. -At over 29,000 feet tall, Mt. Everest is the highest point on Earth, but it doesn't compare to the deepest point on Earth, the Mariana Trench, which is over 36,000 feet deep-nearly seven miles-in the Pacific Ocean. -This isn't exactly a "fun" fact, but there are over 200 dead bodies of climbers on Mt. Everest because it's so difficult to bring them down. -Only two people have ever swum the entire length of the 2,350-mile Mississippi River: Slovenian long-distance swimmer Martin Strel in 2002 and American former Navy SEAL Chris Ring in 2015. Strel swam for 68 days in a row; Ring took one day off a week, taking 181 days. -Visitors are not allowed to scatter loved ones' ashes at Disney World or Disneyland. This is apparently a problem, particularly around the Haunted Mansion attraction. -The man who designed the Pringles can, Fred Bauer, is buried in one-or at least some of his ashes are. -There's a world record for the holder of the most world records: Ashrita Furman, who's set more than 600 records and currently holds more than 200. His records have ranged from fastest mile on a pogo stick, longest time to hula hoop underwater and greatest distance traveled on a bicycle balancing a milk bottle on the head. -The sun makes up more than 99% of the mass in our solar system. -Lined up, all of the planets in the solar system could fit between the Earth and the moon. -The Great Wall of China is not actually visible from space. -One million Earths could fit inside the sun. -It rains diamonds on both Jupiter and Saturn. On these planets, lightning turns methane in the atmosphere into carbon, which hardens into bits of graphite and diamond as it falls to the ground. -Outer space is completely silent. -It takes about ten minutes for light to travel from the sun to the Earth. -The largest known volcano in the solar system is Olympus Mons, located on Mars. It's roughly triple the height of Mt. Everest. -On Mars, sunsets appear blue due to the way light is captured in the atmosphere. -Because there is no atmosphere, wind, or water to erode them, astronaut footprints on the moon will likely remain there for hundreds of millions of years. -One spacesuit for a NASA astronaut costs $12 million to make. -Uranus is the only planet to spin on its side. -The diameter of Pluto is smaller than the horizontal length of the United States. -The Kármán line, the invisible boundary that officially separates Earth from outer space, is located 62 miles above sea level. So you're only about 62 miles from space right now! -It's impossible to burp in space. The lack of gravity in space prevents air in your stomach from separating and rising up from food you've eaten. -Saturn is the lightest planet, and it's also the only planet that would float in water. -Saudi Arabia is the largest country in the world without a single permanent river. -Haiti is the only country that recognizes voodoo as a religion. -Over 800 languages are spoken in Papua New Guinea. -Cyprus is the only country without its own national anthem. In 1966 it decided to adopt the Greek national anthem as its own. (The Greek national anthem also contains 158 verses.) -Although soccer is very popular in Greenland, they can't join FIFA because their harsh weather conditions make it impossible to grow a grass field, one of the requirements for membership. -Uzbekistan and Liechtenstein are the only countries that are doubly landlocked. -The Canary Islands, an island nation off the northwest coast of Africa, got its name from "canis" the Latin word for dog. Early sailors landed on the island, found it overrun with wild dogs, and gave it its name. The bird species canary actually got its name from the islands, not the other way around. -Chile didn't legalize divorce until 2004, making it the last country in the Western Hemisphere to do so. -Japan is made up of 6,852 islands. -Istanbul, in Turkey, is the only city to be located on two continents. The western half is located in Europe, and the eastern half is located in Asia. The two halves are separated by the Bosporus Strait. -A town in Wales is famous for having the longest name of any place in an English-speaking country. Its full name is: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, although it is usually abbreviated to Llanfair. -Amman, the capital of Jordan, used to be called Philadelphia when it was taken over by ancient Greeks. -New Zealand was the first modern country to grant women the right to vote, which it did in 1893. -The Louvre in Paris, France, is the world's most-visited museum. Roughly ten million people visit it each year. -Ethiopia follows a calendar, the Coptic Orthodox Church's, that is seven years behind the rest of the world. They celebrated the new millennium in 2007. -Over 40 buildings in New York City are so large that they have their own zip codes. -The shortest river in the world is located in Montana. It's called the Roe River and only flows for 200 feet. -Hawaii is the only state to commercially grow coffee. -Hawaii is also home to the only royal palace in the United States ever used by a monarch. It's called the Iolani Palace, and it was used by the royal family of Hawaii until they were overthrown in 1893. -Nebraska is the only state that is triply landlocked: it is three states from the ocean on every side. -Alaska has a longer coastline than the coastline of all other 49 states combined. -There are roughly 200 chickens for every person in Delaware. -Alaska, the biggest state, is 429 times larger than Rhode Island, the smallest state. However, Rhode Island has a higher population. -California is home to the tallest living object in the world. It's a redwood tree named Hyperion that is 379.7 feet high. -The Florida Everglades is the only place on Earth where alligators and crocodiles live together in the wild. -Texas is larger than any European country, excluding Russia. -The first-ever Ferris wheel was built in Chicago, IL for the 1893 World's Fair. -About 80% of the land in Nevada is owned by the federal government. -Neither kangaroos nor emus can walk backward. Both animals are included on Australia's official crest to represent continuous progress. -The bite of a grizzly bear is strong enough to crush a bowling ball. -Bats give birth while hanging upside down, and they catch their newborn with their wings as it drops. -Octopi have three hearts. -Dolphins have names for each other and are the only species other than humans known to do this. -Elephants are unable to jump. -Under their white fur, polar bears have black skin to help absorb heat from the sun. -Cats don't have sweet taste buds and therefore can't taste sugar. -Sloths can swim about three to four times faster than they can move on land. -A flock of hummingbirds can be referred to as a hover, a glittering, a bouquet, a tune, or a shimmer. -Only female mosquitoes bite humans. Male mosquitoes drink flower nectar. -Baby T-rexes were covered with feathers, which they may have kept as adults. -The largest animal to ever have existed is the blue whale. It can grow up to 98 feet (30 meters) and weigh 200 tons. -Camels store fatty tissue, not water, in their humps. Storing fat in one area helps keep them cooler than if it was distributed across the rest of their body like fat is in most other animals. -Anteaters eat roughly 35,000 ants a day. -Koala fingerprints look extremely similar to human fingerprints. -Male platypuses have spurs on their back feet that can release venom, making them one of the few poisonous mammals. -It's a common tradition in Japan to eat KFC on Christmas. In order to ensure they get their fried chicken, over three million people a year preorder their Christmas meal, sometimes months in advance. -UPS delivers about 20 billion cards and gifts during the holiday season. -Americans eat roughly 150 million hot dogs every 4th of July. -During the holiday season, some people in Wales celebrate Mari Lwyd. This tradition involves a group of people caroling with a real horse skull, and it's thought to come from ancient Celtic celebrations. -The most covered Christmas song is Silent Night. Since it was written in 1818, there have been over 26,000 versions of it. -In Thailand, during the Buddhist New Year celebration of Songkran, passerby are sprayed with water from giant statues of Buddha. -The first Thanksgiving likely didn't include turkey, and other staples like cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes weren't on the menu either. The pilgrims and Wampanoag Native Americans likely dined on foods such as seal, deer, eel, squash, berries, and cornmeal. -Real Christmas trees are actually better for the environment than fake ones. This is both due to the toxic materials needed to make fake trees, and the fact that Christmas tree farms serve as a habitat for wildlife. -Since "Hanukkah" is a Hebrew word translated to English, there is no official correct spelling of it. Some spelling variants include Chanukkah, Chanukah, Hannuka, and Hannukah. -Since 1945, all British tanks have included equipment to make tea. -Ancient Romans used human urine as mouthwash. The ammonia in urine is an effective natural cleaning agent. -The world's shortest war, the Anglo-Zambian War, lasted less than 45 minutes. It was fought between the United Kingdom and the Zanzibar Sultanate in 1896 and was won by the British. -Tug of war was an Olympic sport between 1900 and 1920. -Ronald Reagan, in addition to being the US president and a film star, was also a lifeguard when he was younger and saved multiple people from drowning. -The oldest known advertisement is over 5,000 years old. It advertises the sale of a slave named Shem in ancient Egypt. -Winston Churchill smoked an average of 10 cigars a day. -The first face to appear on the US $1 bill wasn't George Washington. It was Salmon P. Chase, the Secretary of Treasury and designer of banknotes when the first $1 bill was released in 1862. -Ancient Egyptians invented many items we still use today, such as pens, keys, locks, and toothpaste. -In medieval Europe, animals were often taken to court and tried for various crimes such as eating part of the harvest, damaging property, or injuring or killing people. If found guilty, the animal could be exiled or even sentenced to death. -The youngest soldier in the Civil War was a nine-year-old boy from Mississippi. The oldest soldier was an 80-year-old man from Iowa. -Charles de Gaulle, the former president of France, is in the Guinness Book of World Records for having survived the most assassination attempts in the world. He survived over 30 of them before dying naturally at age 79. -Incans, who ruled in South America from the 13th century to 1572, were able to perform successful skull surgeries. Over 100 Incan skulls have been discovered with holes drilled into them, and archaeologists estimate the survival rate for this surgery was around 80% (compared to about 50% in America during the Civil War). -In the 19th century, golf balls were made of a leather pouch stuffed with feathers and were often called "feathery" balls. -Humans have more than five senses. In fact, we have nearly 20, including pain, hunger, thirst, and balance. -The only letter that doesn't appear in the Periodic Table of Elements is J. -Laid end to end, an adult's blood vessels could circle the Earth at the equator four times. -Babies don't shed tears until they're between two weeks and several months old, as their tear ducts haven't fully developed yet. -There are 18 volcanoes in the United States with the potential to erupt again. -Scientists don't know why we yawn, but it may be a way to help regulate body temperature or even cool down the brain. -Although oxygen is colorless as a gas, when it's a liquid or solid it has a pale blue color. -If you pour a handful of salt into a full glass of water, the water level will actually go down slightly (about 2%). This happens due to solvent molecules becoming more ordered in the presence of the dissolved salt, which reduces the space the solution takes up. -Earth is not a perfect sphere. The poles are slightly flattened out, and the equator bulges due to the planet's rotation. -Although clouds look light and fluffy, they can weigh over one million pounds. -Hot water actually freezes faster than cold water due to something called the Mpemba effect. -About ⅕ of the world's oxygen is produced by the Amazon rainforest. -You have roughly the same number of bacteria cells in your body as you do human cells. -About two thousand rainstorms occur on Earth every minute. -In the Brothers Grimm version of Cinderella, in order to get their feet to fit inside the glass slipper, one of Cinderella's stepsisters cuts off her own heel, and another cuts off her big toe. -Samuel L. Jackson was a cheerleader in college. -In 2014, a group of researchers in England determined that the song "Wannabe" by The Spice Girls was the catchiest song ever written. People could identify it in about 2.3 seconds, well below the average of 5 seconds it took to recognize other songs. -The same woman, E.G. Daily, was the voice of both Tommy Pickles in Rugrats and Buttercup in The Powerpuff Girls. -None of the four members of The Beatles could read or write music. -Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling created the game of Quidditch after a fight with her then-boyfriend. She said her frustration from the fight caused her to come up with the idea of the violent game. -In 2016, Mozart sold more CDs than any other artist, beating artists such as Beyonce, Adele, and Justin Bieber. -During World War II, actress Audrey Hepburn delivered messages for resistance fighters in the Netherlands. -Barack Obama, Martin Luther King Jr, and Hillary Clinton are all Grammy winners in the Spoken Word category. -In 1944, Disney's Snow White became the first film to release a soundtrack. -In Game of Thrones, the cloaks that members of the Night Watch wear were created by shaving down and dying rugs bought from IKEA. -The first TV commercial aired on July 1, 1941. It was an ad for Bulova watches. -In 1963, major league baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, an hour after Neil Armstrong set foot on the surface of the moon, Perry hit is first, and only, home run while playing for the San Francisco Giants. -Retired basketball sensation Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike each year than all the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. -The Olympic flag's colors are always red, black, blue, green, and yellow rings on a field of white. This is because at least one of those colors appears on the flag of every nation on the planet. -The average lifespan of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. -Dueling is legal is Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. -All major league baseball umpires must wear black underwear while on the job in case their pants split. -In 1920, Babe Ruth out-homered very American League team. -Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep his head cool. He changed it every two innings. -Every year 56,000,000 people attend major league baseball games. -In 18th century England, gambling dens employed someone whose job was to swallow the dice if there was a police raid. -A Costa Rican worker who makes baseballs earns about $2,750 annually. The average American pro baseball player earns $2,377,000 per year. -There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. -The moon is moving away from the Earth at a tiny, although measurable, rate every year. 85 million years ago it was orbiting the Earth about 35 feet from the planet's surface. -The star Antares is 60,000 times larger than our sun. If our sun were the size of a softball, the star Antares would be as large as a house. -In Calama, a town in the Atacama Desert of Chile, it has never rained. -At any given time, there are 1,800 thunderstorms in progress over the earth's atmosphere. -Erosion at the base of Niagara Falls has caused the falls to recede approximately seven miles over the past 10,000 years. -A ten-year-old mattress weighs double what it did when it was new due to debris that it absorbs over time. That debris includes dust mites (their droppings and decaying bodies), mold, millions of dead skin cells, dandruff, animal and human hair, secretions, excretions, lint, pollen, dust, soil, sand, and a lot of perspiration, which the average person loses at a rate of a quart a day. Good night! -Every year 16 million gallons of oil runs off pavement into streams, rivers, and eventually, oceans in the United States. This is more oil than was spilled by the Exxon Valdez. -In space, astronauts cannot cry because there is no gravity and tears can't flow. -Most lipstick contains fish scales. -A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time: 1/100th of a second. -If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies you have $1.19. you also have the largest possible amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. -Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. -Recycling one glass jar saves enough energy to operate a television for three hours. -The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. -The main library at Indiana University sinks over an inch a year. When it was designed engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. -A category three hurricane releases more energy in ten minutes that all the world's nuclear weapons combined. -There is enough fuel in full jumbo jet tank to drive an average car four times around the world. -An average of 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. -Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes. -The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of fuel it burns. -San Francisco cable cars are the only National Monuments that can move. -February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. -Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. -A rainbow can be seen only in the morning or late afternoon. It can occur only when the sun is 40 degrees or less above the horizon. -Lightning strikes the Earth 100 times every second. -La Paz, Bolivia has an average annual temperature below 50 degrees Fahrenheit. However, it has never recorded a zero-degree temperature. Same for Stanley, the Falkland Islands, and Punta Arenas, Chile. -There are over 87,000 Americans on waiting lists for organ transplants. -Catsup leaves the bottle at a rate of 25 miles per year. -Toxic house plants poison more children than household chemicals do. -You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning. -It is physically impossible for you to lick your elbow. -Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different. -Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day. -It takes approximately 12 hours for food to entirely digest. -A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h. -Women blink nearly twice as often as men. -Most of the dust particles in your house are dead skin. -There is a company that will (for $14,000) take your ashes and compress them into a synthetic diamond to be set in jewelry for a loved one. -There are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth. -The longest bout of hiccups lasted nearly 69 years. -Babies is born without kneecaps. They appear between the ages of 2 and 6. -Men can read smaller print than women. Women can hear better. -Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. -If you sneeze too hard you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force they can pop out. -A kiss stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals that cause relaxation. Women seem to like light and frequent kisses while men like them more strenuous. -Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. -Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. -The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. -Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow. -According to Chinese acupuncture, there is a point on the head that you can press to control your appetite. It is located in the hollow just in front of the flap of the ear. -In a recent survey, Americans revealed that banana was their favorite smell. -When opossums are "playing 'possum," they are not playing. They actually pass out from sheer terror. -The two-foot long bird called a Kea that lives in New Zealand likes to eat the strips of rubber around car windows. -Snakes are true carnivores as they eat nothing but other animals. They do not eat any type of plant material. -The Weddell seal can travel underwater for seven miles without surfacing for air. -According to tests made at the Institute for the Study of Animal Problems in Washington, D.C., dogs and cats, like people, are either right-handed or left-handed-that is, they favor either their right or left paws. -An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes. -Crocodiles and alligators are surprisingly fast on land. Although they are rapid, they are not agile, so if you ever find yourself chased by one, run in a zigzag line. You'll lose him or her every time. -Horses can't vomit. -Butterflies taste with their feet. -Penguins can jump as high as six feet in the air. -All polar bears are left-handed. -An eagle can kill a young deer and fly carrying it. -It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog vomits its entire stomach out so the organ is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and swallows the stomach back down again. -The leg bones of a bat are so thin that no bat can walk. -The katydid bug hears through holes in its hind legs. -Slugs have four noses. -Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water. -In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years there were no reported cases of an ostrich burying its head in the sand. -It's possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs. -A snail can sleep for three years. -The chicken is one of the few things that man eats before it's born and after it's dead. -Some dogs can predict when a child will have an epileptic seizure and even protect the child from injury. They're not trained to do this, they simply learn to respond after observing at least one attack. -A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. -Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants. -There are only three types of snakes on the island of Tasmania and all three are deadly poisonous. -It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky. -Dolphins sleep with one eye open. -A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. -A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. -Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason. -The jellyfish is 95% water. -A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside. -Only female mosquitoes bite. -Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue whale. -The world's youngest parents were age 8 and 9. They lived in China and had their child in 1910. -Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI. -In the 16th and 17th centuries in the country of Turkey, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death. -Abraham Lincoln's dog, Fido, was also assassinated. -In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. -About 3,000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30. -The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C. -If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. -The youngest pope was 11 years old. -Richard Versalle, a tenor performing at New York's Metropolitan Opera House, suffered a heart attack and fell 10 feet from a ladder to the stage just after singing the line, "You can only live so long." -60.7 percent of eligible voters participated in the 2004 presidential election, the highest percentage in 36 years. However, more than 78 million did not vote. This means President Bush was re-elected by less than 31% of all eligible voters in the United States. -David Bowie used to think he was being stalked by someone who is dressed like a giant pink rabbit. Bowie noticed the fan at several recent concerts, but became alarmed when he got on a plane and the bunny was also on board. -Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin, John Wilkes Booth, and whose shame created the expression for ignominy: "His name is Mudd." -Wayne's World was filmed in two weeks. -The first Fords had engines made by Dodge. -In Ancient Egypt , priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. -More than 8,100 US troops are still listed as missing in action from the Korean War. -As of January 1, 2004, the population of the United States increases by one person every 12 seconds. There is a birth every eight seconds, an immigrant is added every 25 seconds, and a death every 13 seconds. -Inn the great fire of 1666, half of London was burnt down but only six people were injured. -Toto was paid $125 per week while filming The Wizard of Oz. -The only member of the band ZZ Top without a beard has the last name Beard. -In Egypt around 1500 B.C., a shaved head was considered the ultimate in feminine beauty. Egyptian women removed every hair from their heads with special gold tweezers and polished their scalps to a high sheen with buffing cloths. -George Lumley, aged 104, married Mary Dunning, aged 10, in Nortallerton, England on August 25, 1783. She was the great-great granddaughter of the woman who'd broken her engagement to Lumley, eighty years before. -In Elizabethan England, the spoon was so novel and prized that people carried their own folding spoons to banquets. -It costs more to buy a new car today in the United States than it cost Christopher Columbus to equip and undertake three voyages to and from the New World. -Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone. -Millie the White House dog earned more than four times as President Bush in 1991. -A law passed in Nebraska in 1912 set hard rules of the road. Drivers in the country at night were required to stop every 150 yards, send up a skyrocket, then wait eight minutes for the road to clear before proceeding cautiously, all the while blowing their horn and shooting off flares. -Louis XIV of France really was as unpleasant a fellow as he's been depicted. In 1674, when he was visiting a school at Clermont, he heard from the school's authorities that one of the children, a nine- year-old Irish lad named Francis Seldon, had made a pun about the king's bald head.Louis was furious. He had a secret warrant drawn up for the child's arrest, and young Seldon was thrown into solitary confinement in the Bastille. His parents, members of one of Europe's richest merchant families, were told simply that the child had disappeared. Days turned to months, months to years, and Louis himself passed away. But Francis spent sixty-nine years "in the hole" for making fun of the king's baldness. -The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and the chocolate bar in his pocket melted. -23% of all photocopier faults world-wide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts. -"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed using only the left hand. -71% of office workers stopped on the street for a survey agreed to give up their computer passwords in exchange for a chocolate bar. -The electric chair was invented by a dentist. -A Boeing 767 airliner is made of 3,100,000 separate parts. -The first FAX machine was patented in 1843, 33 years before Alexander Graham Bell demonstrated the telephone. -Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. -"Typewriter" is the longest word that can be made using the keys on only one row of the keyboard. -In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones: Bhutan. -More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call. -No word in the English language rhymes with month, silver, or purple. -The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language. -"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. -The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. -The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards." -There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. -The word "testify" is based on the Ancient Roman practice of making men swear on their testicles when making a statement in court. -In England in the 1880s, "pants" was considered a dirty word. -According to many language experts, the most difficult kind of phrase to create is a palindrome, a sentence or group of sentences that reads the same backward and forward. A few examples: Red rum, sir, is murder. Ma is as selfless as I am. Nurse, I spy gypsies. Run! A man, a plan, a canal - Panama. He lived as a devil, eh? -The dot that appears over the letter i is called a "tittle." -If you were to spell out numbers, you would you have to go until 1,000 until you would find the letter A. -There is a bar in London that sells vaporized vodka, which is inhaled instead of sipped. -In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks, and spoons. -Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. -Coca-cola was originally green. -The only food that does not spoil: honey. -The Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner. -Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation. -Almonds are members of the peach family. -Cranberry is the only Jell-O flavor that contains real fruit flavoring. -The drive-through line on opening day at the McDonald's restaurant in Kuwait City, Kuwait was seven miles long at its peak. -American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class. -Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. -The average American drinks about 600 sodas a year. -Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50. -One in every four Americans has appeared on television. -In 1998, more fast-food employees were murdered on the job than police officers. -There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year. -Title 14, Section 1211, of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, makes it illegal for U. S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles. -There are more cars in Southern California than there are cows in India. -Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36. -Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000. -Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3. -Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants. -In 21 states, Wal-Mart is the single largest employer. -It's against the law in Kansas to catch fish with your bare hands. -Maine is the only state a one-syllable name. -There are 2,000,000 millionaires in the United States. -The United States has five percent of the world's population, but twenty-five percent of the world's prison population. -It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona. -In the United States, a pound of potato chips costs two hundred times more than a pound of potatoes. -More than 2 billion pencils are manufactured each year in the United States. If these were laid end to end they would circle the world nine times. The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words. -Mailmen in Russia now carry revolvers after a recent decision by the government. -One out of five people in the world (1.1 billion people) live on less than $1 per day. -Quebec City, Canada, has about as much street crime as Disney World. -The largest ocean liners pay a $250,000 toll for each trip through the Panama Canal. The canal generates fully one-third of Panama's entire economy. -In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. -The Spanish word esposa means "wife." The plural, esposas, means "wives," but also "handcuffs." -City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong. -Of the six men who made up the Three Stooges, three of them were real brothers (Moe, Curly and Shemp). -If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand 7 feet, 2 inches tall. -On average, people fear spiders more than they do death. -Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. -In Tokyo you can buy a toupee for your dog. -A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. -The world's oldest wooden wheel has been around for more than 5,000 years -Dead skin cells are a main ingredient in household dust -Sudan has more pyramids than any country in the world -The bumblebee bat is the world's smallest mammal -The circulatory system is more than 60,000 miles long -There are parts of Africa in all four hemispheres -The cornea is one of only two parts of the human body without blood vessels -The world's first animated feature film was made in Argentina -German chocolate cake was invented in Texas -Marla Gibbs continued to work as a flight attendant for two years after being cast on a hit TV show -The Philippines consists of 7,641 islands -A one-way trip on the Trans-Siberian Railway involves crossing 3,901 bridges -The Golden Girls was supposed to have a different theme song -There's enough gold inside Earth to coat the planet -Cleveland was once the country's fifth-largest city -Human beings can use only a small fraction of Earth's water -Wally Amos is responsible for making more than just cookies famous -The brand name Spam is a combination of "spice" and "ham" -It takes a drop of water 90 days to travel the entire Mississippi River -People once ate arsenic to improve their skin -The first person processed at Ellis Island was a 15-year-old girl from Ireland -Japan has one vending machine for every 40 people -Lemons float, but limes sink -Professional athletes used to perform in vaudeville during the off-season -The first time the word "period" was used on TV in reference to menstruation was 1985 -McDonald's once made bubblegum-flavored broccoli -Some fungi create zombies, then control their minds -The first oranges weren't orange -There's only one letter that doesn't appear in any U.S. state name -A cow-bison hybrid is called a beefalo -Johnny Appleseed's fruits weren't for eating -Scotland has 421 words for snow -Samsung tests phone durability with a butt-shaped robot -The Windy City nickname has nothing to do with Chicago's weather -Peanuts aren't technically nuts -Armadillo shells are bulletproof -Firefighters use wetting agents to make water wetter -The longest English word is 189,819 letters long -"Running amok" is a medically recognized mental condition -Some octopus species lay 56,000 eggs at a time -Cats have fewer toes on their back paws -Blue whales eat half a million calories in one mouthful -That tiny pocket in jeans was designed to store pocket watches -Turkeys can blush -Most Disney characters wear gloves to keep animation simple -The man with the world's deepest voice can make sounds humans can't hear -The current American flag was designed by a high school student -Cows don't have upper front teeth -Thanks to 3D printing, NASA can basically email tools to astronauts -Only a quarter of the Sahara Desert is sandy -Bananas grow upside down -There were active volcanoes on the moon when dinosaurs were alive -Dogs sniff good smells with their left nostril -Avocados were named after reproductive organs -T. S. Eliot wore green makeup -The word "fizzle" started as a type of fart -Human noses and ears get bigger as we age -No number before 1,000 contains the letter A -The # symbol isn't officially called hashtag or pound -The French have their own name for a French kiss -You can thank the Greeks for calling Christmas "Xmas" -Movie trailers originally played after the movie -Mercedes invented a car controlled by a joystick -H&M actually stands for something -The U.S. government saved every public tweet from 2006 through 2017 -Theodore Roosevelt had a pet hyena -The CIA headquarters has its own Starbucks, but baristas don't write names on the cups -Giraffe tongues can be 20 inches long -There's only one U.S. state capital without a McDonald's -Europeans were scared of eating tomatoes when they were introduced -The inventor of the microwave appliance received only $2 for his discovery -The Eiffel Tower can grow more than six inches during the summer -Glitter may have originated on a ranch -Frankenstein's Creature is a vegetarian -Medical errors are a top cause of death -Sloths have more neck bones than giraffes -Bees can fly higher than Mount Everest -Ancient Egyptians used dead mice to ease toothaches -Cap'n Crunch's full name is Horatio Magellan Crunch -Paint used to be stored in pig bladders -Humans have jumped farther than horses in the Olympics -The Terminator script was sold for $1 -Pigeon poop is the property of the British Crown -Onions were found in the eyes of an Egyptian mummy -Abraham Lincoln was a bartender -Beethoven never knew how to multiply or divide -Japan released sushi-inspired Kit Kats -An espresso maker was sent into space in 2015 -The word "aquarium" means "watering place for cattle" in Latin -An employee at Pixar accidentally deleted a sequence of Toy Story 2 during production -Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and Ron Wayne started Apple Inc. on April Fools' Day -The inventor of the tricycle personally delivered two to Queen Victoria -Your brain synapses shrink while you sleep -A waffle iron inspired one of the first pairs of Nikes -Boars wash their food -Baseball umpires used to sit in rocking chairs -The first commercial passenger flight lasted only 23 minutes -The world's first novel ends mid-sentence -The French-language Scrabble World Champion doesn't speak French -A woman called the police when her ice cream didn't have enough sprinkles -Uncle Ben's rice was air-dropped to World War II troops -The British Empire was the largest empire in world history -South American river turtles talk in their eggs -Penicillin was first called "mold juice" -The first stroller was engineered to be pulled by a goat (or animal of similar size) -May 20, 1873, is the "birthday" of blue jeans -170-year-old bottles of champagne were found at the bottom of the Baltic Sea -The MGM lion roar is trademarked -Neil Armstrong's hair was sold in 2004 for $3,000 -Irish bars used to be closed on Saint Patrick's Day -Nikola Tesla hated pearls -Thomas Edison is the reason you love cat videos -Brad Pitt suffered an ironic injury on a film set -Pregnancy tests date back to 1350 B.C.E. -Martin Luther King Jr. got a C in public speaking -Bees can make colored honey -Bananas glow blue under black lights -Wimbledon tennis balls are kept at 68 degrees Fahrenheit -Adult cats are lactose intolerant -Albert Einstein's eyeballs are in New York City -The Pope can't be an organ donor -A one-armed player scored the winning goal in the first World Cup -The world's oldest toy is a stick -Polar bear fur is actually clear, and their skin is black. -Baby flamingos are born grey, not pink. -A woodpecker's tongue actually wraps all the way around its brain, protecting it from damage when it's hammering into a tree. -A shrimp's heart is located in its head. -Elephants suck on their trunks for comfort. -Anteaters have no teeth. -Nine-banded armadillos always have quadruplets, and they're always identical. -Wombat poop is cube-shaped. -Hippos and horses are actually distant relatives. -All clownfish are born male. -In the UK, The Queen legally owns all unmarked swans. -To keep from drifting apart, sea otters hold hands while they sleep. -Goats have accents. -Dolphins give names to each other. -Gorillas can catch human colds - you're probably still safe to go to the zoo with the sniffles, though. -Forget bald eagles. The turkey was once almost named the national bird. -A group of owls is called a parliament. -There are 32 muscles in a cat's ear. -Snails can regenerate their eyes. -Want to know if your pet turtle is a boy or girl? Listen closely! Female turtles hiss and male turtles grunt. -A starfish can turn its stomach inside out. -French Poodles are actually from Germany. -Seahorses mate for life and can often be seen holding each other's tales. -A group of porcupines is called a prickle. -Andrew Jackson's parrot had to be removed from his funeral because it wouldn't stop swearing. Polly wants her mouth washed out. -Sloths can hold their breaths for up to 40 minutes. -Henry VIII knighted all four of his "Grooms of Stool" - the people in charge of wiping his butt for him. -Jeannette Rankin was elected to Congress four years before women could even vote. -Women couldn't apply for credit at a bank until 1974. -Before the invention of modern false teeth, dentures were commonly made from the teeth of dead soldiers. -In ancient Egypt, servants were smeared with honey so flies would flock to them instead of the pharaoh. -It was once considered sacrilegious to use a fork. -Abe Lincoln was a champion wrestler. He was also a licensed bartender. Maybe they should call him an "Abe of all trades." -George Washington owned a whiskey distillery. -More than two percent of the American population was killed during the Civil War. -Joseph Stalin used to have people removed from photos after they died or were removed from office. -Since 1945, all British tanks have been equipped with the necessary items for making tea. -Pope Gregory IV once declared war on cats because he believed Satan used black cats. His declaration lead to the mass extermination of cats. -That lack of cats led to a rat infestation which led to the spread of the plague. -John Adams was the first president to live in the White House. -Go to bed! Chernobyl, the Exxon Valdez Oil Spill, and the Challenger explosion have all been attributed to a lack of sleep. -The average person living in Sweden eats about 22 pounds of chocolate a year. -While the Wright Brothers are famous as a pair, they actually only flew together once. They promised their father they'd always fly separately. -Montana has three times as many cows as it does people. -Parts of the Great Wall of China were made with sticky rice. -Ninety percent of the world's population lives above the equator. -Finland has more saunas than cars. -Sixty percent of the World's lakes (three million total) are located in Canada. -Virginia is the only state that has the same state flower and state tree, the Dogwood. -Think before you season. In Egypt, it's considered incredibly rude to salt food that has been served to you. -Ninety percent of Libya is desert. -The height of the Eiffel Tour can vary up to six inches, depending on the temperature. -Spend too much on drinks when you eat out? A small town in Italy actually has a fountain that serves free wine. -Pilots and their co-pilots are required to eat different meals before flights so that they don't both end up with food poisoning. -Roughly 600 Parisians work at the Eiffel Tower each day. -Want to go to Rome? Which one? There's a city named Rome on six out of seven continents. (You really dropped the ball, Antarctica.) -When visiting Key West, you're actually closer to Havana than you are to Miami. -Mary, of "Mary Had A Little Lamb" fame, was a real person and the song is based on a true story. -"Happy Birthday" was the first song ever played on Mars. Mars Rover Curiosity played the song to itself on its first anniversary on the planet. -While listening to music, your heart can sync to the rhythm. -President Nixon was an accomplished musician. He played five instruments, including the accordion. -Got a song stuck in your head? That's called an "earworm." -None of The Beatles could actually read music. -However, George Harrison could reportedly play 26 instruments. -Barry Manilow did not, in fact, write "I Write The Songs." -Metallica is the only band to perform on all seven continents. -Most department stores tend to play slower music, in order to slow down customers and keep them shopping longer. The opposite is true for restaurants. -Monaco's orchestra is bigger than its army. -A concert promoter once sold a thousand tickets to a Spice Girls concert in Hawaii that was never actually booked. Maybe that's where they got the idea for Fyre Fest. -Leo Fender, the inventor of the Stratocaster and the Telecaster, couldn't play guitar. -In 2016, Mozart sold more albums than Beyoncé. -During a fundraiser for Hurricane Katrina relief efforts, someone donated $35,000 so that VH1 Classic would have to play "99 Luftballons" on repeat for an entire hour. -"A Boy Named Sue" wasn't written by Johnny Cash. Shel Silverstein wrote it. -In 2015, Belfast police used ice cream truck music to deter teenage rioters. -Gatorade was named after the University of Florida Gators. -China didn't win its first Olympic medal until 1984. -The average golf ball has 336 dimples. -Tennis was originally played with bare hands. -The Cleveland Browns are the only team to neither play in or host a Super Bowl. -Wilt Chamberlain is in the Volleyball Hall of Fame. -Some golf balls are filled with honey. -Despite taking about three hours to play out, the average baseball game only has about 18 minutes of active playing time. -MLB umpires are required to wear black underwear in case they split their pants. -Bo Jackson refused the teams that originally tried to draft him in both baseball and football. -Both volleyball and basketball were invented in Massachusetts. -Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls once went eight seasons (starting in 1990) without a three-game losing streak. -NFL refs also get Super Bowl rings. -President Hubert Hoover invented a game called "Hooverball" which was a cross between tennis and volleyball and was played with a medicine ball. -Only one city has won three major championships in one year. In 1935, the Detroit Lions won the Super Bowl, the Tigers won the world series, and the Red Wings won the Stanley Cup. -More than 100 baseballs are used during a typical professional baseball game. -You can't hum while plugging your nose. -Tomatoes have more genes than humans. -We're one to two centimeters taller in the morning than at night. -One quarter of all our bones are in our feet. -The human body contains enough fat to make about seven bars of soap. -You can't lick your elbow. -You can't tickle yourself. -By the time we die, we'll have spent roughly a year sitting on the toilet. -You are always looking at your nose; your brain just chooses to ignore it. -Astronauts can grow up to two inches taller while they're in space. -Some blood vessels in a blue whale are actually big enough for humans to swim through. -We're the only species known to blush. -You only breathe out of one nostril at a time. -Babies are born with more bones than adults. (Babies have 300 bones while adults only have 206.) -Most newborns lose all the hair they were born with by the time they're six months old. -It's impossible to burp in space. -Everyone has their own unique smell, except identical twins. -Thumbs have their own pulse. -Goosebumps developed to make our ancestors' hair stand up, making them appear more threatening to predators. -A sneeze shoots through the air at 100 miles per hour, sending 10,000 germs flying. -Know how a bat or whale uses echolocation to communicate? Humans are also capable of echolocation. -Stomach acid is strong enough to dissolve metal. -The longest hiccuping spell lasted a whopping 68 years. -Guide dogs do their "business" on command - to make things easier for their owners. So considerate! -In WWII British soldiers had to make do with only three sheets of toilet paper per day! -In Russia, beer was considered a soft drink, not alcohol, until 2011! -Strawberries are NOT berries, but bananas actually are! -A tomato is actually a fruit. -The cashew nuts we eat are actually attached to a large cashew apple that is used to make soft drinks in Brazil. Ca-shew on that fact! -Mice actually do not like cheese! They prefer sweets if given the choice - they like to eat fruit, seeds, and grains! -Turkey was probably not eaten at the first Thanksgiving - instead, wildfowl, goose, and even possibly... passenger pigeons and swans were consumed! -A flock of ravens is called a conspiracy. Dark stuff! -Caterpillars have 12, count 'em, 12 eyes! -Mice have pretty funny names: A female mouse is a doe and a male mouse is a buck. Baby mice are sometimes called pinkies because of their color and sometimes called pups. -Did you know that gorillas, monkeys, bonobos, and other primates make a new nest to sleep in every night?! -Chickens don't just eat seeds, they like to eat insects and also mice and lizards! Ew, chickens! -Giraffes don't just have long necks: They have long tongues! Their tongues are between 18 and 20 inches long. -In Arizona, you can't feed garbage to pigs without getting a permit. -Sea otters like to hold each other's paws when they sleep, so they don't drift apart while dreaming. How sweet is that?! -Did you know that jellyfish have been around even before dinosaurs? -All clownfish are born male! They can also all change their sex to female, but they can't turn it back to male after doing so. So Nemo could become a girl fish all along! -Did you know apples come from the same plant family as roses? So do plums, raspberries, and many other delicious fruits. Next time, instead of roses, just send your mother a lovely bouquet of plums! -The first Akita dog came to this country in 1937 - as a present for Helen Keller! -Turns out, a dog's paw print is just as unique as a human's. Good news for dog detectives! -A camel can drink up to 40 gallons of water in one go. That's seriously impressive! -Don't bring your crystal ball to Maryland! Fortune telling is illegal in the state. -Speaking of ferrets, did you know they used to be used to protect grain stores from rodents? -The technical term for a fear of long words is ""hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia." No way you can self-diagnose yourself with that one! -The White House has 35 bathrooms. So every bathroom break can be different for POTUS! -Greyhounds can run up to 45 mph. So don't challenge one to a race! -Hiking naked is illegal in Switzerland. Though we must say, it doesn't seem like a good idea in general! -A flock of flamingos is called... wait for it... a flamboyance! Fancy. -New York's Central Park is bigger than Monaco. That's right, one park is bigger than an entire country! -Using ferrets to hunt other animals is illegal in West Virginia. Good to know! -Don't let the chicken cross the road in Georgia (the country.) No, seriously. It's illegal! -Here's a fact to sit on: there are over 9,000 benches in Central Park. -Theodore Roosevelt's kids had a pet bear, badger, and hyena, to name but a few animals - and they brought them all to the White House! -There are over 700 ancient Egyptian hieroglyphic symbols. That's a lot compared to 26 letters of alphabet! -A woodpecker's tongue is bigger than its entire head. It keeps it wrapped up around its brain to protect it from the impact of all that pecking! -Saturn's surface is less dense than water. That means it could float in your bathtub - if it were big enough. -The expression "heart of gold" was invented by Shakespeare. -To make one pound of honey, a bee has to fly 90,000 miles! Though one bee typically only makes one-twelfth of a teaspoon of the stuff in its lifetime. -Some lipsticks apparently contain fish scales. Eek! -An ostrich's eye is actually bigger than its brain. Ostriches also have the largest eye of any land animal. -The United States apparently makes 25 percent of the world's cheese. That's a whole lot of cheese! -Here's one to tickle your funny bone: the human hand has 54 bones. That's more than a quarter of the bones in the whole body. Wow! -Want a license plate in the shape of a polar bear? All you have to do is move to Nunavut Province in Canada! -How do you tell if a cranberry is ripe? It'll bounce like a rubber ball. -Most U.S. stamp adhesive contains about one-tenth of a calorie. British stamps could set you back 5.9 calories. Of course, one lick won't transfer all of that to your belly. -Here's a little funny and creepy fact: not only are groups of crows called murders, but the birds actually hold funerals for their dead. Spooky! -Bees are the only insect that produce food that people eat. Thanks, bees! -Squeamish? Don't go to any cheese shops in Sardinia, lest you find yourself face to face with Casu Marzu, a cheese that gets its taste from live maggots. Eek! -Lettuce is a member of the sunflower family. Is your mind blown? -Jin Songhao of China won the world record for longest skin contact with snow at 46 minutes and 7 seconds! -The heaviest onion on record was grown by Pete Glazebrook of England. It weighed 17 pounds! -The title of tallest Mohawk goes to Kazuhito Watanabe, a Japanese fashion designer. His 'hawk' measures three feet 8.6 inches! -Elmer Fudd's original name was Egghead. -The actors who voiced Mickey and Minnie mouse from the 1980s to the 2010s were married! -In some Harry Potter movie scenes where Harry, Ron, and Hermione are doing their Hogwarts schoolwork, the actors were actually doing their REAL schoolwork! -Forgetful? Move to Eastern Pennsylvania where the word "jawn" can be used to a person, place, or thing you just can't remember. -The oldest domestic cat on record lived for 38 years. She was Creme Puff of Austin, Texas. -Apparently, the world's fastest ant runs faster than Usain Bolt! -Little brown bats make for the longest nappers - in captivity, they nap up to 19.9 hours a day. Wish we could take a nap that long! -The longest noodle ever made is more than 10,000 feet long. That's almost two miles! Wonder how long it would take us to slurp that? -Otto the bulldog broke the record for a dog to skate through the longest human tunnel when he skated through the legs of 30 people without any assistance. Otto, you're our hero. -A flock of peacocks is called a party. Party hard, peacocks! -The Supreme Court has its own basketball court, with a great nickname: "The highest court on the land!" Get it?! -Time stops at the speed of light. -The average human body carries more bacteria cells than human cells. -Humans wouldn't be able to taste food without saliva. -If Betelgeuse exploded right now, the star's last light show would brighten our sky for around two months. -Oona Chaplin, who played Robb Stark's wife in Game of Thrones, is Charlie Chaplin's granddaughter. -The founder of sportswear companies Puma and Adidas were brothers! Rudolf "Rudi" Dassler is the brain behind Puma, while his big bro Adolf "Adi" Dassler gave the world Adidas. -The only letter of the alphabet that doesn't appear in any American state is q. -The original Ferris Wheel was designed and constructed in Chicago, Illinois, by George Washington Gale Ferris, Jr. -While SPAM is most popular in Hawaii, it was actually invented in Minnesota. The state even serves as home to the SPAM museum! -Glaciers, ice caps, and ice sheets hold nearly 69 percent of the world's freshwater. -Whale songs can be used by scientists to sonically map out the ocean floor. -The first person charged with speeding in a vehicle was going eight miles per hour. -Cardinals cover themselves in ants to get rid of lice and other harmful parasites that might be in their feathers. -More human twins are being born now than ever before. -A narwhal's tusk reveals its past living conditions. -The first person convicted of speeding was going eight mph. -"New car smell" is the scent of dozens of chemicals. -The world wastes about 1 billion metric tons of food each year. -The severed head of a sea slug can grow a whole new body. -Hair and nails grow faster during pregnancy. -The world's smallest reptile was first reported in 2021. -Many feet bones don't harden until you're an adult. -Some sea snakes can breathe through their skin. -The heads on Easter Island have bodies. -The moon has moonquakes. -Goosebumps are meant to ward off predators. -There's no such thing as "pear cider." - Pineapple works as a natural meat tenderizer. -Humans are the only animals that blush. -The feeling of getting lost inside a mall is known as the Gruen transfer. -The wood frog can hold its pee for up to eight months. -The hottest spot on the planet is in Libya. -You lose up to 30 percent of your taste buds during flight. -Your nostrils work one at a time. -Only two mammals like spicy food: humans and the tree shrew. -A chef's toque contains 100 folds. -Rabbits can't puke. -The "M's" in M&Ms stand for "Mars" and "Murrie." -The human body literally glows. -Copper door knobs are self-disinfecting. -Cotton candy was invented by a dentist. -Marie Curie is the only person to earn a Nobel prize in two different sciences. -Fingernails don't grow after you die. -The English word with the most definitions is "set." -Creedence Clearwater Revival has the most No. 2 Billboard hits-without ever hitting No. 1. -Pigeons can tell the difference between a painting by Monet and Picasso. -The dot over the lower case "i" or "j" is known as a "tittle." -Chewing gum boosts concentration. -Superman didn't always fly. -The first computer was invented in the 1940s. -Space smells like seared steak. -The longest wedding veil was the same length as 63.5 football fields. -Bees sometimes sting other bees. -Kids ask 300 questions a day. -The total weight of ants on earth once equaled the total weight of people. -"E" is the most common letter and appears in 11 percent of all english words. -A dozen bodies were once found in Benjamin Franklin's basement. -The healthiest place in the world is in Panama. -A pharaoh once lathered his slaves in honey to keep bugs away from him. -Some people have an extra bone in their knee (and it's getting more common). -Pringles aren't actually potato chips. -There's a giant fish with a transparent head. -There's a decorated war hero dog. -Showers really do spark creativity. -Abraham Lincoln's bodyguard left his post at Ford's Theatre to go for a drink. -Dolphins have been trained to be used in wars. -Playing the accordion was once required for teachers in North Korea. -Children's medicine once contained morphine. -Plastic Easter eggs and plastic Easter grass were invented by a man who holds more patents than Thomas Edison. -Water makes different pouring sounds depending on its temperature. -Most laughter isn't because things are funny. -One man has saved more than 200 people from suicide. -Our European ancestors were cannibals. -Dogs actually understand some English. -You have a nail in your body. -Redheads aren't actually going extinct. -Pro baseball once had women players. -Koalas have fingerprints. -Humans are just one of the estimated 8.7 million species on Earth. -Riding a roller coaster could help you pass a kidney stone. -Dinosaurs lived on every continent. -Bee hummingbirds are so small they get mistaken for insects. -Sea lions can dance to a beat. -Rolls-Royce makes the most expensive car in the world. -The famed "Typhoid Mary" infected more than 50 people by cooking for them. -The legend of the Loch Ness Monster goes back nearly 1,500 years. -Nutmeg can be fatally poisonous. -Chinese police use geese squads. -The first iPhone wasn't made by Apple. -There's a country where twins are most likely to be born. -The Comic Sans font came from an actual comic book. -For 100 years, maps have shown an island that doesn't exist. -Babies are physical anomalies. -The Queen has some hidden hideaways. -The man who wrote Dracula never visited Transylvania. -The Australian government banned the word "mate" for a day. -Many languages have the same roots. -A tick bite can make you allergic to red meat. -Harriet Tubman was even more heroic than you thought. -Tornadoes can cause "fish rain." -Napoleon was once attacked by thousands of rabbits. -Star Trek's Scotty stormed the beach at Normandy. -Apple Pie isn't actually American. -Pigs are constitutionally protected in Florida. -Mr. Cherry breaks all the records you've never heard of. -Sweat doesn't actually stink. -Some planets produce diamond rain. -Sharks can live for five centuries. -There's an entire town under a rock. -It is illegal to sell a "bounceless" pickle to somebody in Connecticut. -The Bermuda Triangle isn't any more likely to cause a mysterious disappearance than anywhere else. -There's a world record-and a happy ending-for the greatest distance thrown in a car accident. -You can sneeze faster than a cheetah can run. -The fire hydrant patent was lost in a fire. -Saudi Arabia imports camels from Australia. -One man once survived two atomic bombs. -The cast of Friends still earns around $20 million each year. -Pluto technically isn't even a year old. -Cows kill more Americans each year than sharks do. -Newborns don't have kneecaps. -In Germany, people help toads cross the road. -Cheetahs don't roar. -France has a dozen time zones. -Humans aren't the only species to adopt. -Blue Ivy Carter is the youngest person ever to appear on a Billboard chart. -The majority of Americans choose dogs over love. -The first Star Wars was expected to be a flop. -Your liver can regrow itself in three weeks. -Danes once bred a pig to look like the flag. -A 70-year-old woman once completed seven marathons in seven days, across all seven continents. -Dogs like squeaky toys for a dark reason. -The man who founded Atari also started Chuck E. Cheese. -One man was once constipated for nearly two months. -Most people break up on Mondays. -There may be 2,000 active serial killers in the U.S. right now. -Beethoven could still hear after going deaf. -Ants have a built-in FitBit. -Stressed men have altered proclivities. -Crows holds grudges. -Canada once heavily targeted LGBTQ individuals. -Bill Gates has donated nearly half his fortune. -You can always "see" your nose. -A restaurant in New York employs grandmas as chefs. -Shaq only ever made one three-pointer. -America's first bank robber deposited the money back into the same bank. -Germany uncovers 2,000 tons of unexploded bombs every year. -Sharks existed before trees. -And trees weren't always biodegradable. -Detroit undercover cops in a drug ring once fought another group of undercover cops. -You're pronouncing Dr. Seuss' name wrong. -Nearly all species to have ever existed on Earth are extinct. -The Silverback gorilla can lift almost a literal ton. -Every time you shuffle a deck of cards, you get a combination that's never existed. -There is an immortal jellyfish. -America accidentally dropped an atom bomb on South Carolina in 1958. -Baby blue whales grow 200 pounds per day. -Actor Bill Murray uses a 1-800 number instead of an agent or manager. -Cats once delivered mail in Belgium. -It's a myth that people are either "left-brained" or "right-brained." -Women are attracted to the scent of Good & Plenty licorice candy and cucumber. -There's a device that creates energy from snowfall. -A mermaid "documentary" once fooled so many people that the U.S. government had to issue a statement. -The Iowa State Fair holds quirky competitions like a beard-growing contest and a husband-calling contest. -There's a textbook written entirely by an AI author. -Earth won't always have the same North Star. -There's an entire family in Italy that feels almost no pain. -The word "hipster" goes all the way back to the 1930s. -Guinea pigs were once sacrificed wearing earrings and necklaces and wrapped like sushi. -Hitler had a flatulence problem. -Scientists were able to take a picture of an atom's shadow. -Maine is the only state that borders just one other state. -The Twitter bird's official name Is Larry. -The longest book title contains 1,809 words. -Allergy season is getting longer and more intense each year. -There's a reason there's a hole in your pen caps. -You can learn the High Valyrian language from Game of Thrones with an online course. -Some Maryland residents are taxed for the rain. -Scientists have partially revived disembodied pig brains. -Astronauts in space are exposed to the same amount of radiation as 150 to 6,000 chest x-rays. -Beaver bum goo is occasionally used to enhance vanilla flavorings. -The U.S. almost went to war with Canada over a pig. -Tornados used to be called "twirlblasts" and "twirlwinds" in the 18th century. -The Sundance Kid took his nickname from the town of Sundance, Wyoming. -Eating your offspring may be a sign of good parenting in some species. -The word "MacGyvered" is in the Oxford English Dictionary. -Kentucky has more bourbon than people. -Jupiter's red spot is getting taller and smaller at the same time. -There are microscopic mites that live on the human body. -There are many species of sea cucumbers that breath through their anus. -Every day, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents. -If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire, town hall, you are entitled to receive 10 cents from the town. -The IRS admits that one in five people who call their helpline get the wrong answer to their question. -A border collie named Striker, from Hungary, set the record for fastest dog to open a car door window. -The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it. -If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white. -More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. -17.35 seconds is the fastest anyone has run across 100 meters of ice. (Nico Surings, 2006) -The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. -The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. -A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. -A hard-working adult sweats up to 4 gallons per day. Most of the sweat evaporates before a person realizes it's there. -A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. -Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. -America once issued a 5-cent bill. -Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy. -Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day. -Bats always turn left when exiting a cave. -Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand. -Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight. -The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head. -During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food. That's the weight of about 6 elephants. -Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic." -Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk. -Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego. -It takes a lobster approximately seven years to grow to be one pound. -More people use blue rather than red toothbrushes. -Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister. -One-quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet. -Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's "Centennial Baby" since she was the first baby born on the centennial anniversary of Canada's independence. -Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. -Since 1896, the beginning of the modern Olympics, only Greece and Australia have participated in every Games. -The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year. -The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie Barbarella. -The Earth weighs around 6,588,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons. -The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver." -The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672. -The name "Jeep" came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "general purpose" vehicle, G.P. -Columbia University is the second-largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church. -The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like the ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside, they would crack and break off-thus the saying. -The U.S. government keeps its supply of silver at the U.S. Military Academy, West Point, New York. -You blink over 20,000,000 times a year. -The word "samba" means "to rub navels together." -You'll eat about 35,000 cookies in a lifetime. -Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise, it will digest itself. -Each year, you swallow 14 insects-while you sleep! -The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. -Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where he/she grew up are 1 in 2. -Portion of potatoes sold that are French-fried: 1/3. -The only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt. -The only president awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals. -Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school. -Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined. -All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. -Ingrown toenails are hereditary. -In most advertisements, including in newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. -When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third-largest city. -The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's It's a Wonderful Life. -"Bingo" is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box. -The Beatles song "Dear Prudence" was written about Mia Farrow's sister, Prudence, when she wouldn't come out and play with Mia and the Beatles at a religious retreat in India. -When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food. -A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't. -Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed-and continue living. -A group of unicorns is called a blessing. -One of Hewlett Packard's first ideas was an automatic urinal flusher. -Illinois has the most personalized license plates of any state. -There are no venomous snakes in Maine. -North Dakota has never had an earthquake. -Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot. -If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. -If all Americans used one-third less ice in their drinks, the United States would become a net exporter instead of an importer of energy. -The Hoover Dam was built to last 2,000 years. Its concrete will not be fully cured for another 500 years. -If the entire population of earth was reduced to exactly 100 people, 51% would be female, 49% male; 50% of the world's currency would be held by 6 people; one person would be nearly dead; one nearly born. -A Swiss ski resort announced it would combat global warming by wrapping its mountain glaciers in aluminum foil to keep them from melting. -Ten years ago, only 500 people in China could ski. This year, an estimated 5,000,000 Chinese will visit ski resorts. -Russian scientists have developed a new drug that prolongs drunkenness and enhances intoxication. -A perfect SAT score is 1600 combined. Bill Gates scored 1590 on his SAT. Paul Allen, Bill's partner at Microsoft, scored a perfect 1600. Bill Cosby scored less than 500 combined. -The entire fleet of Unicoi County Tennessee's salt trucks was rendered out of commission in one accident. All three trucks were badly damaged when one of them began skidding down a road, causing a chain reaction accident. Officials blamed road conditions. -The busiest shopping hour of the holiday season is between 3–4 p.m. on Christmas Eve. -Only 30% of stolen artwork worth more than $1,000,000 each is recovered. -During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool, you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine. -Actor Bruce Willis filed a lawsuit against the movie studio that produced his film Tears of the Sun, alleging he was struck in the forehead by a fake bullet. Since 2002 (when the movie was in production), the lawsuit claims he has endured "extreme mental, physical, and emotional pain and suffering." -Billboard magazine has recently launched a top-20 chart of cell phone ringtones. -The Chicago Cubs are suing former Hartford Courant newspaper carrier Mark Guthrie to get back $301,000 in pay that was intended to go to a Cubs pitcher with the same name. The Tribune Company owns both the Hartford Courant and the Chicago Cubs. -The company that manufactures the greatest number of women's dresses each year is Mattel. Barbie's got to wear something! -La Paz, Bolivia, is the world's most fireproof city. At 12,000 feet about sea level, the amount of oxygen in the air barely supports a flame. -Each year, more people are killed by teddy bears than by grizzly bears. -The New York City Police Department has a $3.3 billion annual budget-larger than all but 19 of the world's armies. -China is the world's largest market for BMW's top-of-the-line 760Li. This car sells for $200,000 in China-more than almost all people in China make in a lifetime. -Solid structures (parking lots, roads, buildings) in the United States cover an area the size of Ohio. -Physicists have already performed a simple type of teleportation, transferring the quantum characteristics of one atom onto another atom at a different location. -The Nike swoosh was designed by a Portland State University student and purchased by Nike for $35. -Seven percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all. -When you hear a bullwhip snap, it's because the tip is traveling faster than the speed of sound. -Orthodox rabbis warned that New York City drinking water might not be kosher because it contains harmless micro-organisms that are technically shellfish. -In 1997, a woman in Bradenton, Florida, lost her cat. In 2004, she got a call from the local animal shelter. The cat turned up wandering the streets in San Francisco, California. The cat's identity was proven with a microchip that had been implanted prior to 1997. -Oslo, Norway, is the world's most expensive city. A gallon of gas costs almost $5, and it costs $1.32 to use the public restrooms. -Researchers have found that doctors who spend at least three hours a week playing video games make about 37% fewer mistakes in laparoscopic surgery than surgeons who didn't play video games. -There are 150,000,000 cell phones in use in the United States, more than one per every two human beings in the country. -The House of Representatives earmarked $50,000,000 to create an indoor rain forest in Iowa. -In the Caribbean, there are oysters that can climb trees. -People with initials that spell out GOD or ACE are likely to live longer than people whose initials spell out words like APE, PIG, or RAT. -The average North Korean 7-year-old is almost three inches shorter than the average South Korean 7-year-old. -72% of Americans sign their pets' names on greeting cards they send out. -Every year, 2,700 surgical patients go home from the hospital with metal tools, sponges, and other objects left inside them. In 2000, 57 people died as a result of these mistakes. -In a nod to astronauts, Texas is the only state that permits residents to cast absentee ballots from space. -In 2003, the Transportation Security Administration dropped a requirement that air marshals pass a marksmanship test. Some applicants were even hired after they repeatedly shot flight attendants in mock hijacking episodes. -The UK's best-selling hiking magazine published faulty coordinates for descending Scotland's tallest peak (Ben Nevis) and recommended a route that leads climbers off the edge of a cliff. -There is a Starbucks in Myungdong, South Korea, that is five stories tall. -The weight of air in a milk glass is about the same as the weight of an aspirin tablet. -The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma. -Fidgeting can burn about 350 calories a day. -In 1993, the board of governors at Carl Karcher Enterprises voted (5 to 2) to fire Carl Karcher. Carl Karcher is the founder of Carls Jr. restaurants. -There are currently more U.S. 100-dollar bills in Russia than there are in the United States. -The Pentagon in Washington, D.C., has five sides, five stories, and five acres in the middle. -Two very popular and common objects have the same function, but one has thousands of moving parts, while the other has absolutely no moving parts-an hourglass and a sundial. -A flamingo can eat only when its head is upside down. -A snail can have about 25,000 teeth. -Moisture, not air, causes super glue to dry. -An average American will spend an average of 6 months during his or her lifetime waiting at red lights. -The California Department of Motor Vehicles has issued six driver's licenses to six different people named Jesus Christ. -Brushing your teeth regularly has been shown to prevent heart disease. -Married men change their underwear twice as often as single men. -Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the U.S. Treasury. -Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man if they had to do it all over again: 50%. -Chances that a burglary in the United States will be solved: 1 in 7. -When George Lucas was mixing the American Graffiti soundtrack, he numbered the reels of film starting with an R and numbered the dialog starting with a D. Sound designer Walter Murch asked George for Reel 2, Dialog 2 by saying "R2D2." George liked the way that sounded so much he integrated that into another project he was working on. -A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night. -Until 1796, there was a state in the United States called Franklin. Today it is known as Tennessee. -Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food. -The world's oldest piece of chewing gum is 9,000 years old. -Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe. -Honeybees have hair on their eyes. -Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung. -Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying. -Dogs and cats consume almost $7 billion worth of pet food a year. -1,525,000,000 miles of telephone wire are strung across the U.S. -101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan are the only two Disney cartoon features in which both parents are present and don't die during the movie. -315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled. -85,000,000 tons of paper are used each year in the U.S. -There are between 5,000 and 7,000 tigers kept as pets in the United States. -A fully loaded supertanker traveling at normal speed takes a least twenty minutes to stop. -A hummingbird weighs less than a penny. -A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to 7 miles away. -A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water. -All porcupines float in water. -An animal epidemic is called an epizootic. -Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute. -Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball. -Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific. -Bubble gum contains rubber. -Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down-hence the expression "to get fired." -David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie. -Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants. -Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded. -Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head. -Giraffes have no vocal cords. -A British gymnast survived a fall from a fourth-story window because he went into a somersault and came down on two feet. -Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete. -Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the longest anagrams. -If NASA sent birds into space, they would soon die; they need gravity to swallow. -In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast. -In Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals. -Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category. -It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland. -Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag was sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992. -63% of its original size: "L.A." -637 people once gathered together dressed as gorillas. It was to help raise money for the Dian Fossey Gorilla Fund, and it was the largest crowd to gather together dressed as gorillas. -The longest book title ever written: "Per favore dite a mia madre che faccio il pubblicitario lei pensa che sono un pierre e che quindi regalo manciate di free entry e consumazioni gratis a chi mi pare, rido coi vips, i calciatori le veline e le giornaliste, leggo Novella e mi fotografano i paparazzi, entro neI privé saltando la coda, bevo senza pagare, sono ghiotto di tartine e gin tonic, ho la casa piena di oggetti di design, conosco Paris Hilton, Tom Ford ed Emilio." (Davide Ciliberte). -Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. president to be born in a hospital. -Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2) poodle; 3) golden retriever. Dumbest dog: 1) afghan. -Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4. -Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%. -The portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3. -President who discovered a new proof for the Pythagorean Theorem: Jimmy Carter. -Only animal besides a human that can get sunburn: a pig. -Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses. -It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is "shake," and the 46th word from the last word is "spear." -The parachute was invented by Leonardo da Vinci in 1515. -"Canada" is a Native American word meaning "big village." -The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe. -A full 7% of the entire Irish barley crop goes to the production of Guinness beer. -Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. -Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery. -The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. -Hugh "Ward Cleaver" Beaumont was an ordained minister. -The average garden-variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head. -The only planet without a ring is earth. -John Madden is an accomplished ballroom dancer. -As you age, your eye color gets lighter. -The blue whale can produce sounds up to 188 decibels. This is the loudest sound produced by a living animal and has been detected as far away as 530 miles. -If the Nile River were stretched across the United States, it would run nearly from New York to Los Angeles. -Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores. -Two 1903 paintings recently sold at auction for $590,000. The paintings were in the famous "Dogs Playing Poker" series. -The biggest dog on record was an Old English Mastiff that weighed 343 pounds. He was 8 feet, 3 inches, from nose to tail. -The time spent deleting spam email messages costs U.S. businesses $21.6 billion annually. -More than 2,500 left-handed people are killed each year by using products that are made for right-handed people. -Banging your head against a wall for one hour burns 150 calories. -In Switzerland, it is illegal to own just one guinea pig. -The color orange was actually named after oranges. -Snakes can predict earthquakes. -Crows often hold grudges against specific people. -The oldest "your mom" joke was discovered on a 3,500-year-old Babylonian tablet. -You get Goosebumps when you're scared to make yourself look bigger. -May 29 is officially "Put a Pillow on Your Fridge Day." -Cherophobia is the irrational fear of fun or happiness. -7% of American adults believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows. -If you lift a kangaroo's tail off the ground, it can't hop. -Bananas are curved because they grow towards the sun. -Most Korean people don't have armpit odor. -The original London Bridge is now in Arizona. -During your lifetime, you will produce enough saliva to fill 50 bathtubs! -If Pinocchio said, "My Nose Will Grow Now," it would create a paradox. -Polar bears could eat as many as 10 penguins in a single sitting... -Car manufacturer Volkswagen makes sausages. -Movie trailers were originally shown after the movie, which is why they're called "trailers." -Hawaiian pizza is a Canadian invention. -The smallest bone in your body is in your ear. -Tennis players can be fined up to $20,000 for swearing while playing at Wimbledon. -Only 5% of the ocean has been explored. -Most people fart around 14 to 23 times a day! -There is a species of spider called the Hobo Spider. -A lion's roar can be heard from 5 miles away. -Saint Lucia is the only country in the world named after a woman. -The national animal of Scotland is a unicorn. -The United States Navy used Xbox controllers for their periscopes. -The word "burrito" means "little donkey" in Spanish. -A baby octopus is about the size of a flea when it is born. -A sheep, a duck, and a rooster were the first passengers to take a trip in a hot air balloon. -In Uganda, around 48% of the population is under 15 years of age. -On average, men get bored of a shopping trip after 26 minutes. -In the 16th Century, Turkish women could initiate divorce if their husbands didn't provide enough coffee. -Recycling just one tin can saves enough energy to watch television for 3 hours. -After the premiere of 16 and Pregnant, teen pregnancy rates dropped. -Squirrels cause approximately 10-20% of US power outages. -Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter are all banned in China. -95% of people text things they could never say in person. -Honeybees can recognize human faces. -The Battle of Hastings didn't actually take place in Hastings. -Human blood cells have different lifespans. -A swarm of 20,000 bees followed a car for two days because their queen was stuck inside. -Eating carrots can turn your skin orange. -Bob Dylan's birth name was Robert Zimmerman. -A crocodile can't poke its tongue out. -Sea otters hold hands when they sleep so they don't drift away from each other. -A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale. -The word "y'all" dates back to at least 1631. -J.K. Rowling chose the unusual name "Hermione" so young girls wouldn't be teased for being nerdy. -Hewlett-Packard's (also known as HP) name was decided in a coin toss in 1939. -There are a total of 1,710 steps in the Eiffel Tower. -The names of the Pokémon Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan are based on Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan. -Pigs are considered to be the world's fifth-smartest animal. -Pirates wore earrings because they believed they improved their eyesight. -Los Angeles original name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula." -The Twitter bird actually has a name – Larry. -Octopuses actually have six arms and two legs! -Pound cake got its name because the original recipe contained a pound of butter, sugar, flour, and eggs. -There are only two times that we know of that snow fell in the Sahara desert. -Mike Tyson once offered a zoo attendant $10,000 to let him fight a gorilla. -ABBA turned down 1 billion dollars to do a reunion tour. -Abraham Lincoln fed his cat with a gold fork. -There is a nut on a helicopter nicknamed the "Jesus Nut." -Some insects and small birds see the world in slow motion. -A goat called William Windsor served as a Lance Corporal in the British Army. -The most venomous jellyfish in the world is the Irukandji. -March 20th is known as Snowman Burning Day. -Queen Elizabeth II wasn't allowed to sit on the Iron Throne from Game of Thrones. -There is an official Wizard of New Zealand. -An apple, potato, and onion taste the same if you eat them with your nose plugged. -The longest word you're likely to encounter on an everyday basis is "uncharacteristically." -A company in Poland makes dinnerware out of wheat so you can eat your plate! -The average person walks the equivalent of five times around the world in their lifetime. -Michael Jackson offered to make a Harry Potter musical, but the offer was rejected. -The world record for stuffing drinking straws into your mouth at once is 650. -Nutella was invented shortly after WWII ended because chocolate was so expensive. -North Korea has its own space program. -According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg. -Ants leave maps for other ants when they walk. -Tears contain a natural painkiller, which reduces pain and improves your mood. -Saturn is the only planet in our solar system that could float in water. -Male cats have longer tails than female cats. -Dolly Parton lost in a Dolly Parton look-alike contest. -George W. Bush was once a cheerleader. -In total, there are 205 bones in the skeleton of a horse. -Coca-Cola once bought all the website URLs that can be read as ahh, all the way up to 62 h's. -Each year there are more than 40,000 toilet-related injuries in the US. -Strawberries can be red, yellow, green, or white. -Walt Disney World is the second-largest buyer of fireworks in the US. -Four people lived in a home for six months infested with over 2,000 venomous spiders. -If you fell into a volcano, you'd float on the lava instead of melting. -In June 2017, the Facebook community reached 2 billion active users. -Samuel L. Jackson requested a purple lightsaber in Star Wars to accept the part of Mace Windu. -The giant stone heads on Easter Island have hidden bodies! -Kleenex tissues were originally used as filters in gas masks. -In 1998, Sony accidentally sold 700,000 camcorders that could see through people's clothes. -During your lifetime, you will spend around seventy-nine days brushing your teeth. -Ronald McDonald is "Donald McDonald" in Japan because it makes pronunciation easier for the Japanese. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/datasets/jokes.csv b/data/datasets/jokes.csv deleted file mode 100644 index 62b4d3f..0000000 --- a/data/datasets/jokes.csv +++ /dev/null @@ -1,8742 +0,0 @@ -setup,punchline -What did the fish say when it hit the wall?,Dam. -How do you make a tissue dance?,You put a little boogie on it. -What's Forrest Gump's password?,1Forrest1 -What do you call a belt made out of watches?,A waist of time. -Why can't bicycles stand on their own?,They are two tired -How does a train eat?,"It goes chew, chew" -What do you call a singing Laptop?,A Dell -How many lips does a flower have?,Tulips -How do you organize an outer space party?,You planet -What kind of shoes does a thief wear?,Sneakers -What's the best time to go to the dentist?,Tooth hurty. -Knock knock. Who's there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who?,Never mind. It's pointless. -Knock knock. Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who?,"No, cows go moo." -Knock knock. Who's there? Little old lady. Little old lady who?,I didn't know you could yodel! -What's the best thing about a Boolean?,"Even if you're wrong, you're only off by a bit." -What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy?,Inheritance -Where do programmers like to hangout?,The Foo Bar. -Why did the programmer quit his job?,Because he didn't get arrays. -Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?,It ended in a tie. -What do you call a laughing motorcycle?,A Yamahahahaha. -A termite walks into a bar and says...,'Where is the bar tended?' -What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe?,Narnia business! -Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?,Because Oct 31 == Dec 25 -"A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks...",'Can I join you?' -How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?,None that's a hardware problem -"If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program",the rest of them will write Perl -To understand what recursion is...,You must first understand what recursion is -There are 10 types of people in this world...,Those who understand binary and those who don't -What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?,Put it on my bill -What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?,It gets toad away -did you know the first French fries weren't cooked in France?,they were cooked in Greece -Which song would an exception sing?,Can't catch me - Avicii -Knock knock. Who's there? Opportunity.,That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice! -Why do Java programmers wear glasses?,Because they don't C#. -Why did the mushroom get invited to the party?,Because he was a fungi. -Do you know what the word 'was' was initially?,Before was was was was was is. -I'm reading a book about anti-gravity...,It's impossible to put down -"If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in there?",European -Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?,Never mind...it's tearable -I just watched a documentary about beavers.,It was the best dam show I ever saw -If you see a robbery at an Apple Store...,Does that make you an iWitness? -A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...,"I'm sorry, we don't serve food here" -Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?,Because he was a little horse -If you boil a clown...,Do you get a laughing stock? -Finally realized why my plant sits around doing nothing all day...,He loves his pot. -Don't look at the eclipse through a colander.,You'll strain your eyes. -I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.,"I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!" -Why do chicken coops only have two doors?,"Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans" -What do you call a factory that sells passable products?,A satisfactory -When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery?,"Yep, people are just dying to get in there" -Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?,He couldn't see himself doing it -How do you make holy water?,You boil the hell out of it -I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.,I woke up exhausted! -Why is peter pan always flying?,Because he neverlands -How do you check if a webpage is HTML5?,Try it out on Internet Explorer -What do you call a cow with no legs?,Ground beef! -I dropped a pear in my car this morning.,"You should drop another one, then you would have a pair." -Lady: How do I spread love in this cruel world?,Random Dude: -A user interface is like a joke.,If you have to explain it then it is not that good. -Knock knock. Who's there? Hatch. Hatch who?,Bless you! -What do you call sad coffee?,Despresso. -Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?,To make ends meat. -Did you hear about the hungry clock?,It went back four seconds. -Well...,That’s a deep subject. -Did you hear the story about the cheese that saved the world?,It was legend dairy. -Did you watch the new comic book movie?,It was very graphic! -I started a new business making yachts in my attic this year...,The sails are going through the roof. -"I got hit in the head by a soda can, but it didn't hurt that much...",It was a soft drink. -I can't tell if i like this blender...,It keeps giving me mixed results. -I couldn't get a reservation at the library...,They were fully booked. -I was gonna tell you a joke about UDP...,...but you might not get it. -The punchline often arrives before the set-up.,Do you know the problem with UDP jokes? -Why do C and Java developers keep breaking their keyboards?,Because they use a strongly typed language. -What do you give to a lemon in need?,Lemonaid. -Never take advice from electrons.,They are always negative. -"Hey, dad, did you get a haircut?","No, I got them all cut." -What time is it?,I don't know... it keeps changing. -"A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?","Pop,goes the weasel." -Bad at golf?,Join the club. -Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?,Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump. -Can February march?,"No, but April may." -Can I watch the TV?,"Yes, but don’t turn it on." -"Dad, can you put my shoes on?",I don't think they'll fit me. -Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?,They say the business is toast. -Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?,They had a reptile dysfunction. -Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?,There was nothing left but de Brie. -Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?,It was udder destruction. -Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?,They say he made a mint. -Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?,He's all right now. -Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?,"It's ok, he woke up." -Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?,He had loco motives -Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?,"The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere." -Did you hear about the runner who was criticized?,He just took it in stride -Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?,He had a very esteemed colleague. -Did you hear about the submarine industry?,It really took a dive... -Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?,Now we just have to call him Dav. -Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?,"It reads ""Small medium at large.""" -Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun?,She was a roman catholic. -Did you hear the news?,FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on. -Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?,Neither did he. -Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?,But most just have 4. -What do ghosts call their true love?,Their ghoul-friend -Did you know that protons have mass?,I didn't even know they were catholic. -Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?,Just in case you get a hole in one. -Do I enjoy making courthouse puns?,Guilty -Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?,The stock market. -Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?,"In a nutshell, it's an oak tree." -Ever wondered why bees hum?,It's because they don't know the words. -Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?,They mostly wrap. -Have you heard of the band 1023MB?,They haven't got a gig yet. -Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?,"Never mind, I shouldn't spread it." -How are false teeth like stars?,They come out at night! -How can you tell a vampire has a cold?,They start coffin. -How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?,He was a good conductor. -How come the stadium got hot after the game?,Because all of the fans left. -How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?,He felt his presents. -How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?,He ate the pizza before it was cool. -How do hens stay fit?,They always egg-cercise! -How do locomotives know where they're going?,Lots of training -How do the trees get on the internet?,They log on. -How do you find Will Smith in the snow?, Look for fresh prints. -How do you fix a broken pizza?,With tomato paste. -How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?,You use a pumpkin patch. -How do you get a baby alien to sleep?, You rocket. -How do you get two whales in a car?,Start in England and drive West. -How do you know if theres an elephant under your bed?,Your head hits the ceiling! -How do you make a hankie dance?,Put a little boogie in it. -How good are you at Power Point?,I Excel at it. -How do you organize a space party?,You planet. -How do you steal a coat?,You jacket. -How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?,You will see one later and one in a while. -How does a dyslexic poet write?,Inverse. -How does a French skeleton say hello?,Bone-jour. -How does a penguin build its house?,Igloos it together. -How does a scientist freshen their breath?,With experi-mints! -How does the moon cut his hair?,Eclipse it. -How many apples grow on a tree?,All of them! -How many bones are in the human hand?,A handful of them. -How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?,"Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it." -How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?,Let's go ride bikes! -How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?,1 or 2? 1... or 2? -How many seconds are in a year?,"12. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc" -How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?,A Brazilian -How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?,Ten-tickles! -How much does a hipster weigh?,An instagram. -How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?,A little shaken. -Is the pool safe for diving?,It deep ends. -Is there a hole in your shoe?,No… Then how’d you get your foot in it? -What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti?,"Pasta la vista, baby!" -Whats 50 Cents name in Zimbabwe?,200 Dollars. -Want to hear a chimney joke?,Got stacks of em! First one's on the house -Want to hear a joke about construction?,"Nah, I'm still working on it." -Want to hear my pizza joke?,"Never mind, it's too cheesy." -What animal is always at a game of cricket?,A bat. -What are the strongest days of the week?,Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays. -What biscuit does a short person like?,Shortbread. -What cheese can never be yours?,Nacho cheese. -What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?,A spelling bee. -What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?,"She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all." -What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?, Billy Jeans! -What did one nut say as he chased another nut?, I'm a cashew! -What did one plate say to the other plate?,Dinner is on me! -What did one snowman say to the other snow man?,Do you smell carrot? -What did one wall say to the other wall?,I'll meet you at the corner! -What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?,Lil Caesars -What did the 0 say to the 8?,Nice belt. -What did the beaver say to the tree?,It's been nice gnawing you. -What did the big flower say to the littler flower?,"Hi, bud!" -What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school?,Bison. -What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?,"Look, no hands!" -What did the dog say to the two trees?,Bark bark. -What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?,Cool Ranch! -What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?,Damn! -What did the grape do when he got stepped on?,He let out a little wine. -What did the judge say to the dentist?,"Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?" -What did the late tomato say to the early tomato?,I’ll ketch up -What did the left eye say to the right eye?,"Between us, something smells!" -What did the mountain climber name his son?,Cliff. -What did the ocean say to the beach?,Thanks for all the sediment. -What did the ocean say to the shore?,"Nothing, it just waved." -Why don't you find hippopotamuses hiding in trees?,They're really good at it. -What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?,Aye Matey! -What did the Red light say to the Green light?,Don't look at me I'm changing! -What did the scarf say to the hat?,"You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer." -What did the shy pebble wish for?,That she was a little boulder. -What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed?,Don't look I'm changing! -What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor?,Make me one with everything. -What do birds give out on Halloween?,Tweets. -What do I look like?,A JOKE MACHINE!? -What do prisoners use to call each other?,Cell phones. -What do vegetarian zombies eat?,Grrrrrainnnnnssss. -What do you call a bear with no teeth?,A gummy bear! -What do you call a bee that lives in America?,A USB. -What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?,A stick. -What do you call a careful wolf?,Aware wolf. -What do you call a cow on a trampoline?,A milk shake! -What do you call a cow with two legs?,Lean beef. -What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?,Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. -What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice?,A Popsicle. -What do you call a dictionary on drugs?,High definition. -what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?,a labracadabrador -What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?,R2 detour. -What do you call a duck that gets all A's?,A wise quacker. -What do you call a fake noodle?,An impasta. -What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn?,A metro-gnome -What do you call a fat psychic?,A four-chin teller. -What do you call a fly without wings?,A walk. -What do you call a girl between two posts?,Annette. -What do you call a group of disorganized cats?,A cat-tastrophe. -What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?,An Orca-stra. -What do you call a monkey in a mine field?,A babooooom! -What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?,Shakespeare. -What do you call a pig that knows karate?,A pork chop! -What do you call a pig with three eyes?,Piiig -What do you call a pile of cats?, A Meowtain. -What do you call a sheep with no legs?,A cloud. -What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler?,A poutine. -What do you call an alligator in a vest?,An in-vest-igator! -What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe?,Roberto -What do you call an eagle who can play the piano?,Talonted! -What do you call an elephant that doesnt matter?,An irrelephant. -What do you call an old snowman?,Water. -What do you call cheese by itself?,Provolone. -What do you call corn that joins the army?,Kernel. -What do you call someone with no nose?,Nobody knows. -What do you call two barracuda fish?, A Pairacuda! -What do you do on a remote island?,Try and find the TV island it belongs to. -What do you do when you see a space man?,"Park your car, man." -What do you get hanging from Apple trees?,Sore arms. -What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?,A bah-humbug. -What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk?,A fowl smell! -What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?,Hare spray. -What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?,Frostbite. -What do you give a sick lemon?,Lemonaid. -What does a clock do when it's hungry?,It goes back four seconds! -What does a female snake use for support?,A co-Bra! -What does a pirate pay for his corn?,A buccaneer! -What does an angry pepper do?,It gets jalapeño face. -What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?,They will give you a piece of your mind. -What has ears but cannot hear?,A field of corn. -What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?," I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand..." -What is a tornado's favorite game to play?,Twister! -What is a vampire's favorite fruit?,A blood orange. -What is a witch's favorite subject in school?,Spelling! -What is red and smells like blue paint?,Red paint! -What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?,I don't know and I don't care. -What is the hardest part about sky diving?,The ground. -What is the leading cause of dry skin?,Towels -What is the least spoken language in the world?,Sign Language -What is the tallest building in the world?,"The library, it’s got the most stories!" -What is this movie about?,It is about 2 hours long. -What kind of award did the dentist receive?,A little plaque. -What kind of bagel can fly?,A plain bagel. -What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?,A stega-snore-us. -What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator?,A Fermilabrador Retriever. -What kind of magic do cows believe in?,MOODOO. -What kind of music do planets listen to?,Nep-tunes. -What kind of pants do ghosts wear?,Boo jeans. -What kind of tree fits in your hand?,A palm tree! -What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?,A nervous wreck. -What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?,A tuba toothpaste. -What time did the man go to the dentist?,Tooth hurt-y. -What type of music do balloons hate?,Pop music! -What was a more important invention than the first telephone?,The second one. -What was the pumpkins favorite sport?,Squash. -What's black and white and read all over?,The newspaper. -What's blue and not very heavy?, Light blue. -What's brown and sticky?,A stick. -What's orange and sounds like a parrot?,A Carrot. -What's red and bad for your teeth?,A Brick. -What's the best thing about elevator jokes?,They work on so many levels. -What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?,"You can tune a guitar but you can't ""tuna""fish!" -What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?,"One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter." -What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?,An ion! -What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher?,They can't control their pupils. -What's the worst thing about ancient history class?,The teachers tend to Babylon. -Whats brown and sounds like a bell?,Dung! -Whats E.T. short for?,He’s only got little legs. -Whats Forest Gumps Facebook password?,1forest1 -Whats the advantage of living in Switzerland?,"Well, the flag is a big plus." -Whats the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?,About 5000 miles. -When do doctors get angry?,When they run out of patients. -When does a joke become a dad joke?,When it becomes apparent. -When is a door not a door?,When it's ajar. -Where did you learn to make ice cream?,Sunday school. -Where do bees go to the bathroom?, The BP station. -Where do hamburgers go to dance?,The meat-ball. -Where do rabbits go after they get married?,On a bunny-moon. -Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?,The baa-baa shop. -Where do you learn to make banana splits?,At sundae school. -Where do young cows eat lunch?,In the calf-ateria. -Where does batman go to the bathroom?,The batroom. -Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch?,Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy. -Where does Napoleon keep his armies?,In his sleevies. -Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?,At the bottom! -Wheres the bin?,I haven’t been anywhere! -Which side of the chicken has more feathers?,The outside. -Who did the wizard marry?,His ghoul-friend -Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?,The hip Doctor! -Why are fish easy to weigh?,Because they have their own scales. -Why are fish so smart?,Because they live in schools! -Why are ghosts bad liars?,Because you can see right through them! -Why are graveyards so noisy?,Because of all the coffin. -Why are mummys scared of vacation?,They're afraid to unwind. -Why are oranges the smartest fruit?,Because they are made to concentrate. -Why are pirates called pirates?,Because they arrr! -Why are skeletons so calm?,Because nothing gets under their skin. -Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?,It's two-tired. -Why can't you use Beef stewas a password?,Because it's not stroganoff. -Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?,Because then it'd be a foot! -Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?,The p is silent. -Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie?,Because it was rated arrr! -Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?,"He was too far out, man." -Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?,He made a grave mistake. -Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships?,So they could Scandinavian. -Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?,Because he had a vowel movement. -Why did the barber win the race?,He took a short cut. -Why did the belt go to prison?,He held up a pair of pants! -Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall?,To prove that he was framed! -Why did the chicken get a penalty?,For fowl play. -Why did the coffee file a police report?,It got mugged. -Why did the cookie cry?,Because his mother was a wafer so long -Why did the cookie cry?,It was feeling crumby. -Why did the cowboy have a weiner dog?,Somebody told him to get a long little doggy. -"Why did the fireman wear red, white, and blue suspenders?",To hold his pants up. -Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?,To go with the traffic jam. -Why did the half blind man fall in the well?,Because he couldn't see that well! -Why did the house go to the doctor?,It was having window panes. -Why did the kid cross the playground?,To get to the other slide. -Why did the man put his money in the freezer?,He wanted cold hard cash! -Why did the man run around his bed?,Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep! -Why did the melons plan a big wedding?,Because they cantaloupe! -Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?,Because it was well armed. -Why did the opera singer go sailing?,They wanted to hit the high Cs. -Why did the scarecrow win an award?,Because he was outstanding in his field. -Why did the tomato blush?,Because it saw the salad dressing. -Why did the tree go to the dentist?,It needed a root canal. -Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?,Lack of concentration. -Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub?,Because he is 2 square. -Why didnt the orange win the race?,It ran out of juice. -Why didnt the skeleton cross the road?,Because he had no guts. -Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?,Because they might peel! -Why do bears have hairy coats?,Fur protection. -Why do bees have sticky hair?,Because they use honey combs! -Why do bees hum?,Because they don't know the words. -Why do birds fly south for the winter?,Because it's too far to walk. -Why do choirs keep buckets handy?,So they can carry their tune -Why do crabs never give to charity?,Because they’re shellfish. -Why do ducks make great detectives?,They always quack the case. -Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.?,Because it's indivisible. -Why do pirates not know the alphabet?,"They always get stuck at ""C""." -Why do pumpkins sit on peoples porches?,They have no hands to knock on the door. -Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?,Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat. -Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?,"Dunno, they're just a bit shady." -Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?,Because they can't even. -Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?,To prevent bat breath! -Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?,Because they're so good at it. -Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?,Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan. -Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?,Because it's a little meteor. -"Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base?",Because there’s a Shortstop in between! -Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?,"So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian." -Why does Superman get invited to dinners?,Because he is a Supperhero. -Why does Waldo only wear stripes?,Because he doesn't want to be spotted. -Knock-knock.,A race condition. Who is there? -What's the best part about TCP jokes?,I get to keep telling them until you get them. -A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.,"A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t." -There are 10 kinds of people in this world.,"Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke." -Two guys walk into a bar . . .,"The first guy says ""Ouch!"" and the second says ""Yeah, I didn't see it either.""" -What did the router say to the doctor?,It hurts when IP. -An IPv6 packet is walking out of the house.,He goes nowhere. -A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer.,"Bartender says, ""here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!""" -"3 SQL statements walk into a NoSQL bar. Soon, they walk out",They couldn't find a table. -I saw a nice stereo on Craigslist for $1. Seller says the volume is stuck on high,I couldn’t turn it down. -Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy?,Inheritance. -What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?,A maybe. -Why was Cinderalla thrown out of the football team?,Because she ran away from the ball. -What kind of music do welders like?,Heavy metal. -Why are Dad Jokes so good?,Because the punchline is apparent. -Why dot net developers don't wear glasses?,Because they see sharp. -Why is seven bigger than nine?,Because seven ate nine. -Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?,In case they get a hole in one! -What do you call a suspicious looking laptop?,Asus -What did the Java code say to the C code?,You've got no class. -What is the most used language in programming?,Profanity. -Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?,Because DEC 25 = OCT 31 -What goes after USA?,USB. -Why don't eggs tell jokes?,Because they would crack each other up. -How do you make the number one disappear?,Add the letter G and it’s “gone”! -"My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.",I had to draw my own conclusions. -The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: I didnt see you at camouflage training this morning.,"Thank you very much, sir." -Why does Waldo only wear stripes?,Because he doesn't want to be spotted. -"A male developer often gets called as a Dev, then what would you call a female developer?",Devi. -Why did the kid throw the watch out the window?,So time would fly. -Where did the API go to eat?,To the RESTaurant. -Why did the rooster cross the road?,He heard that the chickens at KFC were pretty hot. -Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?,He was Bjorn again -What does the mermaid wear to math class?,Algae-bra. -Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage?,It was wrong on so many levels. -"Hey, wanna hear a joke?",Parsing HTML with regex. -Why didn't the skeleton go for prom?,Because it had nobody. -A grocery store cashier asked if I would like my milk in a bag.,"I told her 'No, thanks. The carton works fine.'" -99.9% of the people are dumb!,Fortunately I belong to the remaining 1% -I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.,They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts. -"You see, mountains aren't just funny.",They are hill areas. -What do elves post on Social Media?,Elf-ies. -"A 90 year old man is having a checkup at his doctors office. The old man is chatty that day and starts to brag about his life. He boasts about his 20 year old wife who is having a baby because he got her knocked up. He claims it's an amazing feat considering his old age. The doctor listening to this very intently says, Well, this reminds me of a story. Let me tell you about it.I know this man who is a hunter who goes bear hunting every single season. One day during hunting season the man is in such a rush to get out into the woods he grabs an umbrella instead of his shotgun. Anyway, he was out in the woods and he comes across a ferocious grizzly who is very mad. Horrified he raises his umbrella and points it at the bear trying to scare it away. He closes his eyes and squeezes the handle tightly. Then BOOM! the bear drops dead from a gunshot wound to the head.The old man replies, That's impossible! Someone else must have shot the bear.The doctor replies, Exactly...", -How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? Through a catalogue!!, -Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her birdbath? Enough tequila mockingbird., -Knock-knock!Who's there?Chips.Chips who?Chips Ahoy!, -"Yo momma so dumb, she spent twenty minutes staring at a orange juice bottle because it said, 'Concentrate'.", -Q. How do you kill a blond?A. Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool., -"Yo mama is so fat, when she got on the scale it said To be Continued!", -Yo Momma so dirty she has to sneak up on the water, -"Yo mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale she screwed it to the bottom of the floor.", -"Did you hear about the new dictionary for masochists?It has all the words, but they're not in alphabetical order.", -"A tearful woman phoned a reducing salon to wail that her husband had just given her a lovely present and she couldn't get into it. The operator gave her an appointment and added, Don't worry, madam, we'll have you wearing that dress in no time.Dress? the matron sobbed. It's a Porsche!", -Never ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night., -"A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells him the price is $3.The man pulls out a $20 bill and hands it to the bartender.The bartender replies, Sorry I can't accept that.The man then pulls out a $10 bill and hands it to the bartender.The bartender refuses to accept it.The man finally pulls out a $5 bill and gives it to the bartender.The bartender once again refuses to accept it.When the man asks the bartender why he won't accept any of the bills the man is giving him, the bartender replies, Sorry sir, this is a singles bar.", -"A man walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a beer. The whole bar is looking at the man curiously as he sits down. The bartender looks at his nice suit and tie and asks him if he's from around here. The man replies, No sir, I'm from Pennslyvania.The bartender asks the man what he does for a living up in Pennyslyvania.The man replies, I am a Taxidermist.The bartender slowly asks, What is a Taxidermist?The man answers back, Oh, I just mount animals.The bartender grins wide and yells to the whole bar, It's OK Boys!! He's one of us!", -"2 guys decide to go down to Mexico and start a bungee jumping business. So they go down to Mexico and start setting up the equipment on a bridge while a curious crowd gathers at the bottom of the bridge and watches. Once the equipment is set up one of the friends decides to test out the stuff. So he sets off and as he bounces back up the first time he comes up with a bloody lip. The second time he bounced back up he had a black eye and a gash on his face to go along with the bloody lip. The other friend tried to catch him but missed. The third time he came back up his face was swollen on the right side and he had blood all over his face. The friend finally caught the other man and tried to tend to the wounds. He asks the friend if the cord was too long.The friend replies, No...Cord....fine....The first friend cries out, Well what the hell happened down there??The second friends slowly replies, What...the....hell.... is a...pinata?", -Yo Momma is so dumb she had to call 411 to get the number for 911., -"Yo Mama so dumb, her favorite color is clear.", -"Yo Mama so big, fat, and clumsey, when she tried to get to Wal-Mart, she stumbled over K-Mart and landed right on Target.", -"Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins. What a coincidence! the man said with some obvious pride. I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team. The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, You, sir, are the father of triplets. Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence, he answered. I work for the 3M Corporation. An hour later, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. Don't tell me, another coincidence, said the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said, I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel! After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. The nurse asked, Sir, are you all right? Yes, says the man, I'm okay now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store.", -"A local psychic hotline opened up a new number especially for frogs, called The Psychic Frog-line. A frog called, wanting to know his future. You will meet a beautiful young girl, predicted the psychic. This is great! said the frog. Where will I meet her? At a party? At the pond? No, replied the psychic. Next semester in a biology class.", -How many paranoids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?What exactly do you mean by that?, -How was copper wire invented?Two lawyers were fighting over a penny., -"A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, not wanting to serve a mushroom, says Uh uh, I'm not serving no mushroom.Aw, come on - I'm a fungi! the mushroom replies.", -"3 men were on the way to Heaven, but God would only let the man with the worst death in. The first man says, Well, I was on the way to my apartment because I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So when I got to my apartment on the 3rd story, my wife was in the shower, but there was a guy hanging from a window sill. I step on his fingers, but he didn't budge. So I took a hammer and smashed his fingers so he fell, but wasn't dead. So I took the refrigerator and threw it down on him. I got a heart attack because it was the first time I killed someone.The second man says, I was climbing down the stairs of my apartment on the 4th story when I tripped, and I was hanging on a window sill. A guy comes, and steps on my fingers for no reason. I didn't want to fall, so I held on. But he took a hammer and smashed my fingers. Then I landed on bushes, so I was alive still. A refrigerator came out of nowhere and killed me.The third man says, How would you feel if you were hiding in a refrigerator because you had an affair with a guy's wife, and the guy throws the fridge down to kill an innocent guy?", -"A man went to a psychiatrist and explained his problem. Two weeks ago I had a dream that I was a tippee. Then, the next day, I dreamt I was a wigwam. In my next dream, I was a teepee again, and this has been happening the whole too weeks! What's wrong with me, Doc?.It's simple. You're just two tents.", -"Two scientists were discussing their latest behaviour-modification research. We've started something new, said the first scientist. For some of our more dangerous experiments, we're now using lawyers.Lawyers? questioned her colleague. But we've always used rats.Well, you know how it is. You get so attached to the rats.", -My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless!, -"Q. How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?A. I'm just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised.", -Why don't ghosts make good magicians?You can see right through them!, -"One time, when I was a kid, I forgot to do my homework, so I stole someone else's and turned it in. After class, the teacher pulled me over. She asked why I didn't turn in the homework. I said, guess I forgot to change the name on it!", -I had four cappuccinos at one time. I was bouncing off the walls. Good thing they were padded., -"I didn't mean to agitate the police officer. Water balloons are good fun, but he had to get all mad. Then he grabbed that metal baton thingy. That's a lot less fun than a water balloon. I even said think fast! He didn't say that to me when he used the baton on my face.", -"Why is boxing a sport? If I beat someone up in an alley and someone sees it, I get arrested. If I beat someone up in an arena where thousands see it happen, I get cheered. I've done both. I like the alley better though.", -How many Existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?What light bulb?, -"Yo Momma is so big that when pirates see her they say, LAND HO!", -"A mom was out walking with her 4 year old daughter. the child picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. The mother asked her not to do that.Why?Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.At this point, the child looked at her mom with total admiration and asked, Wow! How do you know all this stuff?Uh, the mom was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, Um, it's on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy.Oh.They walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but the child was evidently pondering this new information.I get it! she beamed. Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy.", -"Yo mama's so dumb, she thought that a Playstation was a day care place.", -Knock KnockWho's there?MadamMadam who?Madam foot's caught in the door!, -"Yo mama's so fat that when she went bungee jumping, she took down the whole bridge with her.", -Yo mama's so fat that she rents herself out as a jumping castle., -Knock KnockWho's there?JulyJuly who?July like Bill Clinton, -"One day on a farm a farmer gets a new rooster and puts it in the hen house. The new rooster is talking to the old rooster and the old rooster says, Just let me have 2 chickens and I'll leave you alone. The young rooster says, No old man these are my chickens. So the old rooster says, Why don't we have a race around the chicken coop to see who deserves the chickens? The young rooster figuring he is faster agrees, and even desides to give the old rooster a 15 second head start. So when the race begins the old rooster takes off and 15 seconds later the young rooster begins running. By the time the roosters round the first bend the young rooster has almost caught the old rooster. Then as the go by the house BANG the farmer fires his shoot gun and says, Damn, third gay rooster this month.", -"Famous Last WordsOh come on, nobody's died from this in years.I saw it on Jackass last night.My dad did it when he was a kid.Yes, I'm sure that the power is off.It'll only hurt for a couple of days.See, I'm not afraid of heights.", -"Famous Last Words:The gun isn't loaded, ok?Yes, I double checked.This fuse should give us plenty of time.I don't think he has a gun.This is a very safe neighborhood!I am 100% sure of the blast radius.", -"My college doesn't allow pets in my dorm, so when I got a kitten I had the guys in my dorm refer to him as the Book to avoid suspicion.One morning, as I carried the kitten out to my car in a crate, my girlfriend stopped me and asked, where are you taking the Book?She's getting Spayed today, I said.Hmm... she said. I guess that means no sequels!", -"Darn those pushy metric system advocates! Give them 2.54 cm., and they'll take 1.6093 km!", -"Famous Last WordsWe'll be safe here, trust me.Who cares about the severe weather warning, those forecasters are always wrong anyway.We're not as high up as it looks, here I'll show you.Who cares about those heart condition warnings anyway, I wanna ride this thing!My friend did this a while ago. I don't know how it turned out, I haven't seen him since.It's just a slight tingle.WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!!???", -"FAMOUS LAST WORDS One sec, I've got to go the bathroom!It doesn't hurt... that... bad...This stuff works just as well!It looks like it's coming right towards us!Here, let me handle this, forget the cops!I read this in a 'how-to' magazine once.No I'm not a skydiver, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express Last Night.Proper equipment is for rich people.I don't know. Let's find out!I did it in a video game last night.Did you hear that? Sounded like something big. Where's that flashlight?And finally...OH SHIT!!!!", -"I broke in to a gun shop last week. I didn't know that the owner lived on-site. He must have spent every night for the last ten years thinking of what he would do to the poor, hapless soul who would try to break in. I pointed my gun at him and he held up a grenade as he ran at me. I should be able to breath again in a few years. The old shopkeeper is dead, but, man, he got a hell of a laugh in before he left the world, Kamikaze style.", -"Yo mama's so fat, her Inuit name is Denali!", -"Yo momma is so dumb, she thought a GameCube was a Rubik's puzzle.", -"Yo Momma's so fat, when she jumps in the ocean, people head for higher ground.", -"Yo self-centered momma is so fat, the world really does revolve around her!", -"Yo mama is so fat, your family photos have to be shot from a plane.", -"Yo mama is so fat and lazy, that her hair-do has been turned into a National Forest.", -"Yo Mama so stupid, she got fired at the M M factory because she threw out all the W's!", -3 people were asked to find the hardest word in the dictionary. One person found the word happiness. One person found the wordphotosynthesis. The last person found the word dick., -Knock Knock! Who's there? Little boy blue. Little Boy Blue who?Micheal Jackson!!!!!, -Why are constipated people so mean and rude?..because they don't give a crap!, -"What do hookers and bungee jump cords have in common?They're both cheap, fast and if the rubber breaks, your dead!", -"Yo mama so old that when I told her to act her age, she died!", -"Bob and Bo are hunting. Bob had a sever case of diarrhea so he decided to stay and rest up. Bo goes out and kills a big deer and guts it. He then thinks it would be funny if he laid the deers guts in Bob's sleeping bag so he does and goes to sleep. Then he wakes up the next morning and see's that Bob and the guts are gone. Then he notices Bob and asks how's he feeling. Bob says, My diarrhea was so bad I crapped my guts out but with God's grace and these two fingers I got them all back in.", -"Timmy had been having a hard time in math class and got an 'F' on almost all of his report cards. His mom thought he'd be better off if he went to a private Catholic school. The very first day of school Timmy came home, went straight to his room and began working until he finally just fell asleep on his bed. This continued for a long time until he got his first report card from the new school and his mom was so proud when he got an 'A' in Math. She said, I knew you'd do better in a private school. Then she says how did you do so well? and Timmy replies, When I walked in and saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business.", -"If it sounds like a duck, has a beak like a duck and feet like a duck, and swims like a duck, you still better make sure that it ain't a platypus!", -"A man is driving along an old dirt road when he sees this giant mud hole, but, he is not quick enough to swerve and avoid it. He climbs out of his car and walks along the road until he reaches a farm house. He goes in and asks the farmer to help him out of the hole. The farmer agrees and between the two of them they get the car out in about 15 minutes. The man offers to pay the farmer and asks how much he should give. The farmer says, $200 should cover it because it took me a whole day. The man gets angry and shouts, All day! It hardly took you 15 minutes. The farmer says, Yea, but I had to fill the hole with mud too.", -"A boy asks his dad,Dad, what is 6.9?The dad answers, 69 interrupted by a period!", -Why does Santa have such big balls?Because he only comes once a year!, -You're so stupid that you sold your car for gas money!, -"Once upon a time 5 Indians captured 3 Americans and they said to go get fruit or they'll beat them up.The 1st guy comes back with apples and the Indians tell him to shove 10 apples up his butt. He says Ok - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... then he dies and goes to Heaven.The 2nd guy comes back with oranges and he was told the same. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9... then he bursts out laughing and laughs himself to death and he goes to Heaven. The 2 guys meet in Heaven and the 1st one says why did you stop? you were so close!Because I saw the 3rd guy, he had pineapples!!!", -How do you fit 4 gay guys on a chair?Turn it upside down!, -What do Osama Bin Laden and crabs have in common.They both irritate bush!, -"2 men were out camping. At about 3:00 one man had to go to the bathroom. There were no toilets around and the men had no toilet paper! The man took a crap in the forest, but then had noting to wipe his butt with. He asked his friend what to do, and his friends said to wipe his butt with a 1 dollar bill. 5 minutes later the man came back with crap all over his hands. The friend asked what happened and the man said, I didn't have a 1 dollar bill, so I used 4 quarters!", -What is grosser than gross?When a midget walks by and says your hair smells nice!, -What is the name for a bandaid on a pumpkin?A pumpkin patch!, -"You're so stupid, you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.", -Your so stupid you tried to kill a fish by drowning it!, -Your so stupid you invented glow in the dark sun glasses!, -You're so dumb you invented water proof tea bags!, -"You're so fat, when you went outside wearing a yellow dress everybody called TAXI", -"You're so ugly, you can't even turn on a lightbulb!", -You're so fat that everybody has to talk behind your back!, -"Yo mama so ugly, when she went to go rob a bank she didn't have to use no gun, she just reached her head over the counter and said put the money in the bag!!!!!", -"A man had just got his car stuck in a mudhole during a drive in the country and he needed help getting it out. So he walked until he found a farm and asked the farmer for help. The farmer agrees to help the guy out. So he takes a horse out of the stable and leads him to the car. The farmer then ties a harness around the horse and the other end to the car.The farmer yells, Pull, Sandy!The horse just stands there.The farmer yells, Come on now, pull Twister!The horse once again just stands there.Finally the farmer yells, Ok dangit, PULL RANGER! You're just standing there!Finally the horse springs forward and with all the strength he has he pulls the car out of the ditch and onto the roadside.The man thanks the farmer many times, but before leaving asks the farmer why he yelled out names of horses that weren't there.The farmer just smiles and replies, Oh, you see Ranger there is completely blind and a lazy horse. He wasn't going to pull if he thought he was the only one trying.", -"One day, I went to the shooting gallery at the fair, one with the smiling clowns. I aimed and fired. Imagine my reaction when the target started yelling obscenities and charged.WOW! These fairs are really getting high-tech, I thought. Just to impress the girls watching, I held my ground and continued firing. Pretty soon, he lost all of his teeth, but he still kept coming. And that was some realistic blood! I aimed up at the forehead, and the target dropped like a rock. A security guard walked up to me and said, How do you feel? You just killed a carnie, you sicko!Wow, real carnival people! I said, I gotta get some of those for my shotgun at home! Carnies are cheaper than paper targets, and you don't have to worry about the guilt from killing the precious trees!", -"A city mouse had a country mouse stay for the weekend, and spent the whole time offering urban advice. On the last evening of the country mouse's visit, they were dining in the kitchen when in came the largest cat the country mouse had ever seen.Don't panic, said the town mouse, Leave this to me.Marching up to the cat she said, Bow wow wow wow! The cat turned and ran from the room. How did you do that? asked the country mouse.Like I told you, said the town mouse, it pays to learn a second language.", -"There were three guys on the C.N. tower and the tour guide told them that if either one of them could throw their watches over the side and run down and catch it, they would win 1 million dollars.The first guy threw his watch over and when he got down, it wasshattered into a million pieces. The same thing happened to the second guy. The third guy threw his watch over, went home and gota shower, had his dinner, and came back and caught his watch. The all wondered how he did it and he said, I set it two hours slow", -"The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds. Impossible, said the embarrassed man, You really know what I think?Yes, the lady replied, 'I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it.", -"One night Aggie says to George Think I'll go to bingo the night George... when I'm gone you make sure the youngsters get in and go to bedNow George and Aggie had thirteen kids the last time they counted.So when Aggie went off to bingo, George went out and made the youngsters come in and get to bed. For about three or four hours,one little boy kept crying and crying, so George takes off up with a split and hits the floor, the little boy cries harder andharder.George sputters out What are you bawling about? The little boy replies I want to go to me own home.", -"A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? The first man approached him and said, Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent? The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... My wife's first husband.", -"Two guys own a zoo. To their angst their lone female gorillagoes into heat. Knowing she will be violent if not looked after they take her to a vet for advice. He says she needs to be bredby a male gorilla. Knowing they can't find a male they weigh their options. One says to the other, hey that guy that cleans the cages is kind of crazy, maybe he'll do it. They ask him if he'd do it for $500. He asks for some time to think about it.The next day he comes back to the guys and says he'll do it on three conditions. 1) No commitments, once it's done it's over. 2) If there is any kids I'm not responsible.The two say O.K. no problem, what's your third condition? Well he says it's going to take me a few weeks to come up with the 500 dollars......", -"Yo mama so fat, when she sat on a quarter, boogers came out of George Washington's nose.", -Can you go skinny dippin' if you're fat?Is it possible to fight on a luv seat?If you drink tap water can you tap dance? by:lilpapa92, -"The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, I'm the Boss. He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. Your wife called, she wants her sign back", -"A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line. Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?", -"1. The female always makes the rules. 2. The rules can change without notice. 3. Males can't know the rules. 4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some of the rules. 5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong. 6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something that the male did or said which was wrong. 7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The female can change her mind. 9. The male must never change his mind without the consent of the female. 10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The male must always remain calm unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The female must never let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. If the female has PMS, there are no rules. 14. The male cannot diagnose PMS.", -"One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, Please send me a sister. Santa Clause wrote him back, Ok, send me your mother.", -"A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, When did you bag him? The host said, That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife. What's he stuffed with? asked the visiting hunter, and the host said, My wife.", -You're so stupid that when you send a FAX you put a stamp on it, -"Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink.The first man went down yelling, ''Beeeerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer. The second guy went down the slide yelling,''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''", -"An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer , to come to his home.When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.", -"A man and his friend are out camping and the first one needs to go to the bathroom and they have no toliet paper so he asks his friend what to do. His friend says just wipe it with your hand and smack it on a rock. So the man does so and smacks his hand on a rock and it hurts him really bad, so to reduce the pain he sucks on his hand.", -"A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, What happened? The guy replies, I just found out my younger brother is gay. He finish's his shots and leaves. The next day he comes back and orders five shots and the bartender asks, What happened this time? The man replies, I just found out my older brother is gay and I always looked up to him. The man finish's his shots and leaves. The next day he comes back and orders twelve shots. The bartender says, Doesn't anybody in your family like women? The man replies, Yea, my mom.", -"Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.", -"Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around? The other cow answers, Yeah, makes you glad we're penguins, doesn't it?", -What is the difference between a BMW a porcupine? A porcupine has pricks on the outside., -"A bear and a rabbit are walking together and they find a magic lamp. They decide to rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, Thank you for releasing me I will give you both 3 wishes. The bear thinks and says, I wish all the other bears in this forest were lady bears. Then the rabbit says, I wish for a little motorcycle that is perfect for me. The genie grants both wishes. Then the bear decides his second will be for all the bears in the country besides him to be female The rabbit wishes for a little helmet that fits his head and has holes for his ears. Then the bear says, Why not have all the bears in the world be girls. Then the rabbit, thinking quickly, says, I wish the bear was gay, and speeds off on his motorbike.", -"In Midtown Manhattan a police officer arrives at the scene of what appears to be a bad accident. A pedestrian is lying in the crosswalk. The driver of the car under suspicion says, I swear I didn't touch him! I saw him at the crosswalk, I came to a complete stop, motioned for him to cross, and he fainted.", -"The movie producer was planning his next blockbuster - an action docudrama about famous composers. So he set up a meeting with Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger and offered them the chance to select which famous musicians they'd portray.Chopin has always been my favorite, said Van Damme. That's the part for me.I've always admired Mozart, Stallone said. I'd love to play him.The producer turned to Schwarzenegger. And you, Arnold? Who do you want to be?There was a long silence, then he replied, I'll be Bach.", -"The sky was darkthe moon was highall alonejust her and IHer hair was so softHer eyes so blueI knew just whatshe wanted to doher skin so softher legs so fineI ran my fingersdown her spineI didn't know howBut I tried my bestI started by placingmy hand on her breastI remember my fearMy fast beating heartbut slowly she spreadher legs apart,and when I did itI felt no shameand all at oncethe white stuff cameAt last it's finishedit's all over nowmy first time everat milking a cow", -"That sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes when you're sad, no one understands your pain. Sometimes when you're happy, no one sees your smile. But you just have to fart once, and EVERYBODY knows.", -"A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.Excuse me, he says, taking the guy aside, but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?Maybe I can help a leetle beet, says the Frenchman. What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way.Wow! Thanks! says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.So he goes back to the Frenchman. I'm sorry to bother you again, he says, but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl.Okay, says the Frenchman, I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way.Thanks! says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it any more and goes back to the Frenchman.Look, he says, I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?Well, says the Frenchman, maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?", -You're so poor I went in your front door and came out the back., -Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake, -"The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, What's with that guy over there by the wall? The clerk says, Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative. The owner says, You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives! The clerk says, Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!", -"A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong? The doctor replied, Well, I can clearly see your nuts!", -Why don't you slip into something comfortable.Like a coma., -I haven't seen anyone run that fast since Twinkies went on sale., -"1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot not try to understand her at all.5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change she does.9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage after marriage.", -"A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal. A rehearsal? his buddy asks, Don't you mean a performance? No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes.", -"Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten...As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, Your wish is granted, and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold,he is turned back into a prawn.With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. Where's Christian? he asked.He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark, came the reply.Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again. Christian replied No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. Justin cried back No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian!", -"The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, Anybody?Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.Mrs. Parks said, Very good, Billy, then turned to Mary and continued, As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:One, you have a dirty mind,Two, you didn't read your homework, andThree, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.", -"On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. Top of the mornin' to yer, sir says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. What are those? asks the attendant. They're called tees replies Tiger. Well, what on the good earth are they for? inquires the Irishman. They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving says Tiger. Frickin 'eck says the Irishman, BMW thinks of everything!.", -What do you call an Irishman sitting in your backyard?Paddy O'Furniture, -A tutor who tooted the fluteTried to teach two young tooters to tootSaid the two to the tutorIs it harder to toot orTo tutor two tooters to toot?, -"Broccoli, while not exoccoli,Is within an inach of being spinach.", -Q. What's worse than raining cats and dogs?A. Hailing taxicabs!, -"A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, Did God make me? Yes, the grandpa replied. Did God make you, too? Yes, the grandpa said. Well, the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, He sure is doing a better job nowadays.", -"A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'.'' The 4-year-old happily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, ''Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios. The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, ''And what would YOU like for breakfast?'' ''I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers, ''but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!''", -"Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, Mommy, can little girls have babies?No, said his mom, Of course not. Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, It's okay, we can play that game again!", -"Some useful descriptions of people you may come into contact with from day to day.1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.3. A room temperature IQ.4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.7. Bright as Alaska in December.8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.9. Fell out of the family tree.10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.12. He's so dense, light bends around him.13. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.14. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.15. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.17. Takes him a hour-and-a-half to watch 60 Minutes.18. One burger short of a happy meal.", -"1...Silence, the final frontier - Where no woman has gone before. 2...The undiscovered side of Banking - How to make deposits. 3...Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome - You don't need new shoes everyday. 4...Learn how not to inflict your diets on other people. 5...Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife. 6...An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit. 7...Man Management - Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game. 8...Personal Space - Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partner's toothbrush. 9...Valuation - Just because it's not important to you. 10..Communication Skills I - Tears as the last resort and not the first. 11..Communication Skills II - How to think before speaking. 12..What he really wants - Is buying the right razor blades so difficult? 13..Driving a car safely - A skill you can also acquire. 14..Real women drink their share at a party. 15..Telephones - How to hang up. 16..Parking - Beginner's Course. 17..Parking - Reversing into a parking space. 18..The Natural Habitat of the Towel - Why they prefer the floor. 19..Managing your weight - It's not water retention, it's fat. 20..Learning to cook I - Bran in not food. 21..Learning to cook II - Bringing back bacon and eggs. 22..Compliments - How to accept them gracefully.", -"It was the first day of college, and time for the usual 'authoritative declaration of the not to be broken rules'. The principal, in typical intimidating fashion, addressed the students:The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students. The male dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all the female students. The principal, sensing he was on a roll, stood tall and powerful as he covered the punishments for breaking the rules. Be wary, anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20. It doesn't stop there though, anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions? How much for a season pass?", -"A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at his local zoo when along came a gust of wind which swept some dust into his eye. The guy rubbed his eyelid which sent the gorilla crazy. He bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.When the guy finally came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. The zookeeper nodded knowingly as he explained that pulling down your eyelid means screw you in gorilla language. Obviously this didn't make the victim feel all that compensated for what had happened so he vowed revenge. The next day, shopping list in hand, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Placing the sausage in his pants, off he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Of course he knew that gorillas were natural mimics so he proceeded to put on one of the party hats. As expected, the gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up the other horn, and did the same. Finally, the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.", -"There was once this guy who was on a quest to cross the Sahara desert solo, we will call him Simon, for that is a good name for a camel rider. Well he started out and things were going along just fine for weeks, however gradually he noticed a change in his camel, slowly but surely it seemed to be traveling slower and slower. It had been a while since he had drunk water but camels were supposed to be able to survive for long periods without water he thought to himself. Well eventually the poor ol' camel just stopped altogether. Great! thought Simon, now I'm really in trouble. After some time trying to pull the camel, push the camel and do anything he could to get the camel moving, he was resigned to the fact that he wasn't going anywhere fast.Suddenly, almost out of nowhere this guy comes driving up to him in a small truck with a sign on the side Camel Starters R US. Well Simon couldn't believe his luck. This is unbelievable! he says as the truck approaches. The driver leans out the window and says Got some camel trouble there buddy? The reply was swift, Sure have, can you help?. Sure I can, says the driver and before you know it he has the camel up on the back of the truck and he says to Simon Hop in.After a bit of a drive they arrive at what appears to be the Camel Starters R US workshop. The driver loads the camel onto the mechanics 'pit' and proceeds down underneath to look at the underside of the camel. Yep, I can see what the problem is there I'll have your camel started in no time matey. Sometimes they just get a bit disoriented and lose their way, but we know the trick to get 'em going again, don't you worry. Fantastic Simon replies. The driver then grabs a couple of bricks extends his arms out horizontally and brings them together in a mighty thump right on the camels balls. VRRRROOOOOOOMMMMMMMM... the camel is gone in a plume of dust. Incredible, look at him go! says Simon But I just have one problem, the camel is definitely started, but how the heck am I going to catch him? The driver responds, Hop up on that stand for me son.", -"Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi.", -"There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, You're beautiful! and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said You're cute! Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of beautiful it was cute.She said, What happened to 'beautiful?' His reply was, The drugs are wearing off!", -"-Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. -Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. -Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. -Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it. -Good girls wax their floors. -Bad girls wax their bikini lines. -Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. -Bad girls know they could do it better. -Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. -Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls. -Good girls wear high heels to work. -Bad girls wear high heels to bed. -Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' -Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''", -"One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!'' ''No. You had your chance.'' A minute later the boy screamed ''Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?'' ''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.'' ''Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass of water?''", -"A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned. What happened, my child? I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie, so I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye. Okay; how did you get the other black eye? Well, I thought I'd done something wrong, so I put her wedgie back.", -"A lawyer was having a nice peacful time at home one day when the phone rang. He answered it and it was a man asking for donations towards a charity.The lawyer tries to tell the man politely that he wouldn't donate. But the man kept pushing and pushing. The man said over the phone, But Sir, I know for a fact you are a very wealthy lawyer, you make tons of money each year, and as I look over this information sheet I don't see any donations you have made to any charities in the last five years. Don't you think it's time you gave something back to the community that's treated you so well?The lawyers now pissed replies, Look! I have a sick mother who requires an expensive surgery, my brother is handicapped and needs money to install ramps into his home so he can get back to a normal life, my sister needs money to get her dog an operation, and my father was injured on the job and now they're repossessing his house unless he comes up with $5000 by the end of the week.The man over the phone stammers, I-I-I'm sorry sir. I had no idea that many people needed money from you.The lawyers replies, Damn right! And if they can't get me to give them a dime, what makes you think you stand a chance??", -Yo Mama's so fat the only thing stopping her from getting into Jenny Craig is the door!, -"A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth, and in the end, there were two little baby boys.The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, All right, who's the other father?", -Knock-knockWho's there?JoeJoe who?Jo mama, -I would punch you but I couldn't make you any uglier., -Knock-knockWhose there?SaysSays who?Says me, -"An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, Don't touch me! Why not? he asks. She answers back, Because I'm dead. The husband says, What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another. She says, No, I'm definitely dead. He insists, You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead? Because nothing hurts.", -"Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After hertalk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is. Billy, the lad replies. And what is your question, Billy? asks the Senator. I actually have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second -why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question? A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. Larry, replies the boy. And what is your question? she asks. I have five questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you tookwhen you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Billy????", -"Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.The little girl was softly sobbing. Why are you crying? asked the little boy. I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger, said the girl. When he heard this, the little boy started to cry. Why are you crying? asked the girl. The boy looked at her worriedly and said, I'm here for a urine test.", -What is Beethoven doing today?-Decomposing., -"An Ontario coupling were on vacation, driving around the province of Nova Scotia. At noon, they arrived at the town of Tatamagouche. The two began to bicker about the pronunication of the town's name. The husband suggested that they stop for lunch and ask.At the restaurant, they placed their order. The wife asks, Excuse me, but could you slowly pronounce the name of this place?The employee looks surprised, but complies.Bur ... ger ... King", -"One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, Dear God, please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to church.... And, as she was running she tripped and fell. When she got back up she began praying again, Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!", -"According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...", -"There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime and John would always take the nickel - they said, because it was bigger.One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!", -"A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show, Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades? The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; after all, it WAS the captain's parrot. One stormy day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean... of course, the parrot was adrift on this same very piece of wood with him. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... then another ... and then another. After almost three days the parrot finally says, OK, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?", -"You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, Attention, K-mart shoppers!", -"An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.", -"Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. I think accountants are the easiest to operate on, said the first surgeon. You open them up and everything inside is numbered. I think librarians are the easiest to operate on, said the second. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order. I like to operate on electricians, said the third. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded. I like to operate on lawyers, said the fourth. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable. I like engineers, said the fifth. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end...", -"Beckham went into training one day and saw Owen with a thermo-flask. He asked him what it was for and Owen said It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold. The next day Beckham came into training with a thrmo-flask. So Owen asked him what he had in it. He said well you said it kept hot things hot, and cold things cold so Posh told me to put in some coffee and enough choc-ices for the lads but when I looked into the thermo-flask, when I got here, the choc-ices had melted!", -"A little boy was watching a handyman at work on the upper story of a house. Suddenly the man drops a hammer, and comes down the ladder to retrieve it.The little boy calls out, My daddy would have two hammers so he wouldn't have to come the ladder when he dropped one.The handyman says, Yeah, that's great, kid, and climbs back up the ladder and returns to work. Within a few minutes, he drops his screwdriver, and comes back down the ladder.The little boy calls out again, My daddy would have two screwdrivers so he wouldn't have to come down the ladder when he dropped one.The handyman mutters something and returns up the ladder. A few minutes later, the man realizes he has to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, he has no way into the house, so he climbs down the ladder and goes behind a bush. When he's finishing up, he notices that the little boy has followed him. I suppose your daddy has two of these too? he asked.Nope, says the little boy, but my daddy's is twice as big!", -"A man speaks frantically into the phone, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!Is this her first child? the doctor queries.No, you idiot! the man shouts. This is her husband!", -"One day when Jimmy was at school, the teacher told him that for his homework he had to write out the first three letters of the alphabet.When he went home he was struggling so decided to ask his mum. His mum was in the kitchen cutting the salad when he asked her Mum, what is the first letter of the alphabet?Just as he had finished asking this question his mum sliced her finger open and shouted SHIT!!!Jimmy wrote this down and went outside to see his older brother.He asked him big brother, whet is the second letter of the alphabet?His brother was crouched on the floor talking to a drugged up teenager and jimmy heard him say only if you give me some heroin!Jimmy wrote this down and went into the living room and saw his little sister watching superman.Sister, what is the third letter of the alphabet?His sisters eyes were fixed on the the TV and she ignored Jimmy. Superman!!! she shouted out in excitment.The next day when Jimmy went into school the teacher asked him if he had done his homework.Jimmy then shouted out SHIT!!! His teacher was very angry and shouted right young man, you're going to the head teacher!and Jimmy replied by saying only if you give me some heroin! The teacher's face went red with anger and dragged Jimmy to the head teacher's office by his ear. When Jimmy and the teacher were in the head teacher's office the headteacher asked, who do you think you, are young man?So Jimmy shouted SUPERMAN!!!!!", -"There was a pregnant women. On the way to the hospital, she got into a wreck. When she woke up her babies were already born. She asked the docter if she could see her babies. He said yes, and don't worry your brother named them. The pregnant woman freaked out and said her brother was an idiot. The doctor said the girl's name is Denice. The pregnant women said, Maybe my brother is not such an idiot. Then the docter said that the boy's name is da nephew.", -"A girl and her best friend were at a cafe. The girl said her boyfriend finally told her about marriage. Her best friend asked her what he said. He is married and has 3 kids, she replied.", -Yo momma is so fat she has more chins than a chinese phone book!, -"1. Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met. 2. Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today. 3. Ask people if they have seen your pet shark. 4. Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys. 5. Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim. 6. Hit strangers with your flutter board. 7. Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you. 8. Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....'' 9. Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move. 10. Swim near a stranger and say, ''Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.'' 11. Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool. 12. Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!'' 13. Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board. 14. Laugh at fat people in swimsuits. 15. Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool. 16. Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed. 17. Try to negotiate the price of getting in. 18. Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off. 19. When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount. 20. Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ''Wheee! I'm Batman!'' while running around. 21. Hit strangers with your wet towel. 22. Throw people's things into the pool. 23. Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale. 24. Play Marco-Polo by yourself. 25. Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.", -"COMPETITIVE SALARY We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY We have no time to train you.CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED Some time each night and some time each weekend.DUTIES WILL VARY Anyone in the office can boss you around. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL We have no quality control.CAREER-MINDED Female Applicants must be childless .APPLY IN PERSON If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE You'll need it to replace three people who just left.PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.", -If two's a company and three's a crowd... what's four and five? NINE!!!!, -"Quickly read through the following text and count the number of F's in it.FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS Managed it?Scroll down only after you have counted them! OK?How many?Three?Wrong, there are six - no joke! Read again!FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS The reasoning is that the brain cannot process the word OF.Incredible or what?Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius. Three is normal.", -Ghost Stories by I.C. SpooksRocket to the sun by R.U.NutsYour Book of Glamour by Q.T PieThe Camel Ride by Major Bum - issoreHow to Grow Shorter by Neil DownHow to Grow Taller by Stan Dup, -"Crime and Punishment by Laura NordaThe Use of Natural Fertilizers; by G.G. DunnitThe Way to Quick Riches; by Robbin BanksHolidays in Britain; by A. Pauline WhethaContagious Diseases; by Willie CatchitDriving Through Germany; by Otto MobileBroken Window; by Eva BrickMonsters; by Frank N. SteinCliff Tragedy; by Eileen DoverEven More to come, i promise!!!!", -A Hole in the Bucket by Lee KingLong Walk by Miss. D. BusThe Playground by C. SawFitting Carpets by Walter WallAround the World by Sir CumfrenceFlexibility by Ben DoverBladder Controld by Idon P. Freely, -"Three men are outside a pub when one said, I dare you to go in and ask for a free glass of milk!One of the other men went in the pub and said, Can I have a free glass of milk?Only if you pick the scabs of my daughter's fanny!replied the barmaid.Screw that!The other man walked in and said, Can I have a free glass of milk?Only if you pick the scabs off my daughter's fanny!replied the barmaid.Screw that!When the two men went back outside they told the third one that they could only get a free glass of milk if they picked the scabs off the barmaid's daughter's fanny.The third man said, I wouldn't mind doing that.The third man went in and said I will pick the scabs off your daughter's fanny if you give me a free glass of milk.Ok, agreed the barmaid.He went upstairs and picked the scabs of her daughter's fanny and put them in a crisp packet and sealed it up for freshness, then chucked it out the window.He went outside to meet the others and told them that he got a free glass of milk.The others said, So...we got a free packet of crisps that flew from the sky!", -"A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. It's a period,'' said the little boy. Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?'' I don't know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.", -"It was a dark and stormy night in the small Newfoundland village when Jarge's wife suddenly went into labor. The doctor came to the house and realized there was no time to get to the hospital in the city, the baby was coming now!Just then the power went out. Jarge brought out the kerosene lantern and held it for the doctor.Within minutes, Jarge's son was born. The elated parents were surprised when the doctor declared that another baby was coming. Soon, another baby had come into the world. And then a third. Jarge, somewhat in shock at the sudden prospect of supporting such a large family, started to back away. But wait, the doctor soon realized the end was not in sight. Bring the light closer, Jarge, I think there's another one!No way, cried Jarge, fleeing from the room. It's the light that's attracting them!", -"My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!My mother taught me RELIGION -You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!My mother taught me LOGIC -Because I said so, that's why.My mother taught me more LOGIC -If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.My mother taught me FORESIGHT -Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.My mother taught me IRONY -Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -Shut your mouth and eat your supper!My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!My mother taught me about STAMINA -You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished.My mother taught me about WEATHER -It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -Stop acting like your father!My mother taught me about ENVY -There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -Just wait until we get home.My mother taught me about RECEIVING -You are going to get it when we get home!My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.My mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job.My mother taught me ESP -Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?My mother taught me HUMOR -When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.My mother taught me about GENETICS -You're just like your father.My mother taught me about my ROOTS -Do you think you were born in a barn?My mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -When you get to be my age, you will understand.And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!", -"One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work. Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?'' ''No, I guess not,'' says God. The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one. Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?'' To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''", -"An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table.He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, DON'T TOUCH THOSE-they're for the funeral!", -"A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. She slept with nearly every man on the ship, his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. She was a real lady, his mistress said. How so? the encouraged man asked. She came on board with her husband and never left his side.", -"An oil company was drilling test pits on the West coast of Newfoundland and never found anything so instead of filling the hole up they got a clever idea to cover the hole with an outhouse. So a week after, a Newfoundlander came across it in the woods and decided to use it. The next day another fella came and found him dead on the toilet.The police open an investigation to try and find out what happened to him. They asked his wife if there was anything wrong with him or if he was acting strange that day. His wife replied, My husband was in perfect shape, the only thing strange about him is that he holds his breath until he hears a splash.", -"A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, And how much money do you make a week? Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, I make $200.00 a week. The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, Here's a week's pay,now GET OUT! Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here? With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, Pizza delivery guy", -"I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, Ishouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the pharmacy.I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in deadThe voices told me to clean all the guns today.The dog ate my car keys, so now I have to hitchhike to the vet.", -"The following are quotes made by real police officers:If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while. So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh? No, sir, we don't have quotas any more. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want. Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. Life's tough; it's tougher if you're stupid. In God we trust, all others are suspects.", -"At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.", -"A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?'' And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.'' Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?'' And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''", -"A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. What are you going to do with the prize money? the officer asked. The man responded, I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license. At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk. This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, Are we over the border yet?", -"A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.The girl replied, I'm drawing God.The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like.Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, They will in a minute.", -"The following are messages written by children to God,Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -NormaDear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -JaneDear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -NanDear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -NeilDear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -JaneDear God, Did you really mean do unto others as they do unto you? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!-DarlaDear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -JoyceDear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -BruceDear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -DannyDear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -LarryDear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -SamDear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions.-Ruth M.Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -NanDear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, ChrisDear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna-Unknown email sent me it", -"A man is walking down the docks when he sees a quadriplegic woman crying in a corner. Trying to be a nice guy he walks up and asks her what's wrong.I've never been hugged. replies the woman. The man figures it would be a nice thing to do, so he picks her up and hugs her. She smiles. Then her face drops and she starts crying again.What's the matter now? asks the man. I've never been kissed, says the woman. The man leans down and kisses the woman on the lips for a brief moment. The woman smiles for a bit, then starts sobbing again.The man, a bit annoyed, asks her again what's wrong. The woman replies, Because I don't have arms and legs I've never been screwed.The man picks up the woman and carries her down the dock, then tosses her off the side of the dock into the water.The man yells at the woman, NOW YOU'RE SCREWED!", -"SHAPING UP FOR A GOOD EXCUSE A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube. The man says, Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack. Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample. I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death. Well, then, we need a urine sample.I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar.All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line. I can't do that, officer.Why not? Because I'm drunk.", -"A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door. Is there a problem Officer? The policeman says, Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please? The driver responds, I'd give it to you but I don't have one. You don't have one? The man responds, I lost it four times for drunk driving. The policeman is shocked. I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please? I'm sorry, I can't do that. The policeman says, Why not? I stole this car. The officer says, Stole it? The man says, Yes, and I killed the owner. At this point the officer is getting worried. You what!? She's in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. The senior officer says Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The man steps out of his vehicle. Is there a problem sir? One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Murdered the owner? The officer responds, Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please? The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing. The officer says, Is this your car sir? The man says Yes, and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence. The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner. The man replies, I bet you the liar told you I was speeding, too!", -"3 men were sitting in a plane. They were talking about peace when the subject of weapons came up. They decided to never use weapons again to hurt anyone else.The first man pulled out a heavy rock from under his seat and said, I used to throw rocks like this at people I disliked. Now I know better, and with that he yanked open the emergency exit and tossed out the rock.The second man pulled out a knife and decided he didn't want to harm anyone either, so he tossed it out the open door.The third man gets up and opens the storage compartment and takes out a bomb. Well, I always carry one of these around, I always wondered what it would be like to set it off. Now I know better, and he tosses it out the window.The plane lands and the 3 men have to drive back in a rented car to their hotel.On the way back they notice a small child sobbing on the street. They ask her what's wrong and she replies, I was walking home and I saw this rock come falling from the sky and kill a poor rabbit who was nibbling a carrot.The first man looks ashamed but says nothing. The 3 men drive away.Then a few minutes later they come across an old man sobbing hysterically. They ask him what's wrong.He replies, My wife of 50 years and I were sitting on a bench feeding the ducks at the pond, when a knife fell out of the sky and killed her!The second man looks shocked but says nothing. The 3 men drive away again.A few more minutes later they come across a red-faced man rolling around on the ground laughing and clutching his sides. They go up to him and ask, Why are you laughing? What happened?The man calms himself down and replies, I was sitting outside of my house on my porch, when I farted and my whole house blew up!", -"A man is flying on a very expensive airline in first class when the sudden urge to relieve himself overwhelms him.He runs to the bathroom to find its occupied. He bangs and bangs on the door but no one comes out. The flight attendant notices the man is in distress so she tries to help him. She takes him to a bathroom exclusively for the supermodels who frequently fly on this airline. She lets him use it very quickly but warns him to not, under any circumstance, press any of the 3 buttons next to the toilet.The man gets into the bathroom and automatically sees the buttons. They're labeled WW, WA, and ATR.The man sits down on the toilet and immediately relieves himself. While sitting down he cant help but wonder about the buttons. He pushes the first one slowly, and all of a sudden warm water comes at his butt and washes it thoroughly. He thinks that the supermodels must really have it made.He then pushes the second button. He hears a slight hissing noise then feels warm air gently drying his butt. Wowee, this is the life. Supermodels sure are lucky thinks the man.Then he decides what the hell, might as well try the last button.The next thing the man knows he is lying in the hospital in extreme pain. The flight attendant is leaning over the man telling him to relax.What happened? asks the man.The flight attendant turns around and picks up a jar filled with water with a carrot or something floating in it. Then says, I told you not to push that button. ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Remover.", -"A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her mother of six rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. Mother of six, he would say, get me a beer! Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight? This situation persisted to boiling point. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, Hey, mother of six, I think it's time to go!The wife seized the moment and shouted back, I'll be right with you - father of four!", -"A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.The wife cried, What are we going to do?Nothing, said the hunter husband. The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.", -"Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again. HOW TO SATISFY A MAN:Show up naked with food.", -"One evening, a little boy and his family were having supper at his grandma's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.When he received his plate, the little guy began eating right away.Wait until we a say a prayer, his mother admonished. I don't have to, he replied.Of course you do, his mother insisted. We always say a prayer before eating at home.That's at home, he explained. This is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!!", -"As an architect watched a mechanic remove engine parts from his car, a surgeon, waiting for his own car to be repaired, walked over. They introduced themselves, and began talking about their lines of work.You know, said the architect, I sometimes believe a mechanic's work is as complicated as the work that we do.Perhaps, the surgeon commented. But let's see him do it with the engine running.", -"There was a farmer who was very protective of his daughters. Before every date, he would meet the young man at the porch with his shotgun, and if he didn't measure up, he'd make sure they left.One day all three of his daughters were going out on the same night. The first young man drove up and approached the porch.Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go? The farmer liked this guy, and let him leave with his daughter.Shortly, the next guy drove up and approached the porch. Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here to get Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready? The farmer liked this guy too, and let him leave with his second daughter.Soon the third guy drove up and approached the porch.Hi, my name is Chuck... and the farmer shot him.", -"The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.Everything can be filed under Miscellaneous.Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.Following the rules will not get the job done.Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger handle this?No matter how much you do, you never do enough.The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.", -"A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. What's up? he asks. I'm having a heart attack! cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on! The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. ''You bastard, says the husband. My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!", -"A man took a walk along a railroad track. Not paying attention, he got his foot stuck in a gap in the rails. Just then the whistle of the 10 a.m. train sounded in in the distance.He tried frantically to free himself, but to no avail. Looking up he prayed, God, please get me free! The Whistle sounded, again he pulled, no movement. God! If you get my foot out I will stop smoking. The whistle sounded closer. Still pulling, he only seemed to get more stuck. God! If you get my foot out I will stop smoking and drinking. Looking up he could now see the train engineer in the window of the engine. His foot still would not move. God!!! If you get my foot out I will stop, smoking drinking and give my money to the poor!At that moment his foot slipped from its grasp in the rail and he rolled clear of the train's wheels............. Never mind God I took care of it myself.", -"After a party, one man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.What are you doing out here at 2 o'clock in the morning? the officer asked.I'm going to a lecture, the man said.And who would be giving this lecture at this hour? the cop asked.My wife, the guy replied.", -"A groom and his bride are standing at the alter when the woman looks at her prospective husbandand sees he has a set of golf clubs.What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church? she whispers.Well, he replies, this won't take all afternoon, will it?", -"A little old lady answered her door only to be confronted by a young vacuum cleaner salesman.Good morning, said the young man. If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.Go away! said the old lady. I haven't got any money, and she proceeded to close the door.Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door. Don't be too hasty, he said, not until you've seen my demonstration.With that he emptied a bucket of dirt onto her hallway carpet. If this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this dirt from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.Well, she said, I hope you're hungry, because the electricity was cut off this morning.", -"An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a fat man are all going skydiving. When they get to jump the Englishman shouts, God save England!The Scotsman shouts, God save Scotland!The Irishman shouts, God save Ireland!Then the fat man jumps and shouts, God save whoever I land on!", -"A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation. The angel says, We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon? The preacher says, Once in a while someone fell asleep. The angel says, Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!", -What's another name for a push-up bra? False advertisement, -"A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, What are you waiting for? The husband replies, Autumn.", -"A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ''Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'' ''My darling,'' he replied, ''think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.''", -"A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have? Somebody else's pants. the boy replied.", -"A woman was watching her son pitch in a little league baseball. He wasn't very good, walking all of the batters that came up to bat, but after every pitch, the mom was yelling wildy and cheering her wonderful son on. Because of all the batters he had walked, the score was 14-0 in the 1st inning. Finally, one little boy came up, hit a grounder, and made it safely to first. Dang it, the mother muttered, there goes his no-hitter.", -Men who walk in front of car get tired. Men who walk in back of car get exhausted., -What kind of soup do you order at a gay Chinese resturant?Cream of Yungi , -"Saddam and an American were in the bathroom peeing in the urinals. When the American was done, he was going to leave without washing his hands.Saddam said, You know, I learned to wash my hands.The American replied, Well, I learned not to pee on my hands.", -Yo mama is so dumb it took her an hour to make minute rice!!!, -"When the phone rang, she excused herself from the sofa. A few seconds later she rejoined her male companion.Who was it? he asked. My husband, she replied. I better get going, he said. Where was he?Relax. He'll be late, he's playing poker with you.", -How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?, -"Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat.", -"As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. How did everything go? her mom asked. Oh, mother, she began, The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother! the new bride sobbed over the telephone. But, honey, the mother countered, What four-letter words? I can't tell you, mother, they're too awful! Come get me, please! Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tell mother what four-letter words he used. Still sobbing, the bride said, Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook.", -"My friend, said St. Peter to the recently deceased, you did lead an exemplary life on earth - but there is one instance of your taking the name of The Lord in vain. Would you care to tell us about it? I recall, replied the new applicant, it was in 1965 on the last hole at Pinehurst. I only needed a par four to break 70 for the first time in my life. Was your drive good? asked St. Peter, with increasing interest. Right down the middle. But when I got to my ball, it was plugged deep in a wet rut made by a drunk's golf cart. Oh dear, said St. Peter, A real sucker! Is that when you... No. I'm pretty good with a 3-iron. I played the ball close to my feet, caught the sweet spot and moved it right onto the green. But it bounced on a twig or something - it was a very windy day - and slid off the apron right under the steepest lip of the trap. What a pity! said St. Peter consolingly, Then that must have been when... No. I gritted my teeth, dug in with and open stance, swung a smooth outside arc, and backspun a bucket's worth of sand up onto the green. When everything settled down, there was my ball, only ten inches off into the cup. JESUS CHRIST! shrieked St. Peter, don't tell me you choked the putt!", -"The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation. Your holiness, said one of the Cardinals, Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match. The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life. Not to worry, said the Cardinal, We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose! Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. I came in second, your Holiness, said Nicklaus. Second!? exclaimed the surprised Pope. You came in second to Shimon Peres!!?? No, said Nicklaus, second to Rabbi Palmer.", -"A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, What are you going to use on this hole son?The young man says, An eight iron, father. How about you?The priest says, I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.The young man says, I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.", -"Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his priest. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. I have observed, said he in a calm voice, that the best golfers do not use foul language. I guess not, said Fred, what the hell do they have to swear about?", -"A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week. The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club, and became active. After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter. After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action. After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!", -"Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m. Sunday. But one of them got transferred, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman standing near the tee said, Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group? They were hesitant but said she could come once to try it. She said Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or quarter to seven. She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or quarter to 7. Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, how do you know if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed? She said That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed. A guy asked what if it's pointed straight up? She said Then I'll be here at nine o'clock.", -"A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk. While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole. He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th. Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh. No I wouldn't. Well if you must know, she answered, I sell sanitary towels. She said, See I knew you would laugh. That's not what I'm laughing at he replied, I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!", -"The lady golfer was a determined, if not very proficient player. At each swipe she made at the ball, earth flew in all directions. Gracious me, she exclaimed red-faced to her caddie, the worms will think there's an earthquake. I don't know, replied the caddie, the worms round here are very clever. I'll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety.", -"I'll go and ask if we can go through, said Max to Jerry. The two golfers had been concerned for some time at the snail-like progress of two women, originally some holes ahead and now just in front of them on the ninth fairway. Max returned after only a few paces towards the ladies. Jerry, this is very embarrassing, but would you mind going? That's my wife up ahead and she's playing with my mistress. Jerry returned having got no further forward than Max. I say, he said, what a coincidence...", -"He was a smooth operator, and at the club's annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and was boasting to her. You know, they're all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is? Well, where do you want me to start ? came the quick response.", -"Bill and Ralph, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together and play it as it lays on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 first hole down the middle and about 260 yards. They drive up for the second shot, and Bill hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach, but Ralph slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole. Guess I get a free drop from the cart path, he says. Oh no, says Bill, We agreed. Play it as it lays. So Ralph drives Bill up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and rolls to within 3 ft. of the pin. Ralph drives back to the green. Bill says, Great shot back there! What club did you use? Ralph responds, Your six iron.", -"Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. No problem, answered the pro. But, you have to understand, one of the guys, named George, explained, that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter. The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Gary. How old are you? George asked. I'm ninety-four, Gary responded. Fabulous, said George. But how's your eyesight? At this, Gary blew up. Don't insult my eyes, he yelled. I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me! Okay, okay, the others said. Let's play golf. George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Gary. Did you see where it went? he asked the ancient one. Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle! Gary yelled. Okay, I'm sorry, said George. Where did it go? Gary dropped his head, and muttered, I forgot.", -"A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree. With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.", -"Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of his buddies to complete a foursome. His buddies ask him if his friend can play golf. Dick says that he is very good. This guy hits the ball on the first hole in the bush, so his buddies look at him and say, You said your friend was a good golfer. Dick says Yes, he is watch him play. They see the ball come out of the bush on the green. This guy takes two putts to make par. Second hole is par 3. This guy hits the ball into the lake. The two buddies looks at Dick again and say You said this guy was good Dick replies that this guy was a great player. So the guy walks into the the lake. Three minutes later they can't see the guy. All of a sudden they see a hand come out of the water. They tell Dick to dive in the lake to go get his friend, he's drowning. Dick replies No, that means he wants a 5 iron.", -"Your late teeing off, Fred. Yup, well being Sunday I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church, or to play golf But why are you so late? I had to toss for it fifteen times!", -"Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day. Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.Help me find my ball; you look over there, he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. I've found my ball! he announces triumphantly.Sid looks at him forlornly, After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!And a liar, too! Sid says with amazement. I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!", -"The worst member of Augusta approached Ben Crenshaw after the Master's Tournament. He challenged him to a match - double or nothing the prize money he had just one. Crenshaw was hesitant but, hey, who doesn't need more money, right? To make it fair he offered the guy any handicap he wanted. The member requested two gottcha's. Crenshaw wasn't sure what a gottcha was but since the man was insistent, he agreed. They went out to the first tee and the member took a swing at his ball and sliced mightily. Crenshaw got up and teed up his ball. The guy came up behind Crenshaw and swung his driver hard between Crenshaw's legs. GOTTCHA! he screamed. Crenshaw squirmed in agony, fell to the floor clutching his groin with tears streaming down his face. That's one gottcha gone said his challenger. Crenshaw took quite some minutes to compose himself again and played on. At the end of the round the people couldn't believe that Crenshaw had lost. His only comment, Ever play a round of golf waiting for the second gottcha?", -"Bill and Ralph meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. Bill has a little dog with him and on the next green, when Bill holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs. Ralph is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt? Bill replies, Somersaults. Ralph exclaims, Somersaults! How many of them does it do? Bill calmly replies, Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!", -"Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't let me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.You are invited to use it without charge... 01) Beating around the bush 02) Jumping to conclusions 03) Climbing the walls 04) Swallowing my pride 05) Passing the buck 06) Throwing my weight around 07) Dragging my heels 08) Pushing my luck 09) Making Mountains out of molehills 10) Hitting the nail on the head 11) Wading through paperwork 12) Bending over backwards 13) Jumping on the bandwagon 14) Balancing the books 15) Running around in circles 16) Eating crow 17) Tooting my own horn 18) Climbing the ladder of success 19) Pulling out the stops 20) Adding fuel to the fire 21) Opening a can of worms 22) Putting my foot in my mouth 23) Starting the ball rolling 24) Going over the edge 25) Picking up the pieces.Whew! What a workout! I think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down...", -"9. Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 8. You know, Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car - GO CRAZY. 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son? 5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies - you know, that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring, now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. 1. Father's Day? Aaahh-don't worry about that - it's no big deal.", -"The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes? Why? Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.", -"I. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. II. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket. III. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. IV. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. V. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. IV. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.", -"When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, Does your boss know that you discourage business? Actually, it is my boss's idea, the employee replied sheepishly. We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.", -"If you messed up your life, you could press Ctrl, Alt, Delete and start all over! To get your daily exercise, just click on run! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend. Hit any key to continue life when ready. To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. When you lose your car keys, click on find. Help with the chores is just a click away. You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash. We could click on send and the kids would go to bed immediately. To feel like a new person, click on refresh. Click on close to shut up the kids and spouse. To undo a mistake, click on back. Is your wardrobe getting old? Click update. If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on delete.", -"While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password! What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!", -"A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office? I give it to them, replied the lawyer, and then I send them a bill. The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.", -"A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, From now on, I want you to know that - I - am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? His wife replied, The funeral director.", -"A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Costume party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new action. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of excuse he would have for his notorious behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there. Then she asked, Did you dance much? He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you . . . the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one hell of a time!", -"The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, I've never seen anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet? Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead.", -"A man called the gorilla exterminator because a gorilla was in the tree in his front yand. When the exterminator came he had a gun, a stick, and a dog. He explained that he would climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until it falls from the tree. Then my dog will bite his testicles off.The guy suspiciously asked, What is the gun for?The exterminator replied, If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, then you shoot the dog.", -"Have you ever wondered.....Why Most homes have lots of windows in the house, how ever, more than half of them are usually covered up with blinds so people can't see you. If blind people can still see kindness in a person.Would they still have the same motto No Shirt, No pants, No service in a porn shop.Why on children's tylonnel they put Do not drive right after you have taken this.Why Many packaged peanut bags will say May contain traces of peanuts on them? Will you be smarter if you eat smartiesWill you be dumber if you lift dumb bellsAND FINALLY.....Will you be able to figure out how long you slept if you bring a ruler to bed with you?", -"1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, Hi Greg. How's your day been?6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, That's mine!7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.12) Ask, Did you feel that?13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.14) When the doors close, announce to the others, It's okay, don't panic, they open again!15) Swat at flies that don't exist.16) Tell people that you can see their aura.17) Call out, Group Hug! and then enforce it.18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, Shut up, all of you, just shut up!19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, You're one of THEM! and back away slowly.22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, I have new socks on.26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passnegers, This is MY personal space!", -"If you're fat. can you still disapear into thin air?If you're fat, can you still have slim chances of doing something?", -"Joe walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. Can I help you, fella? asks the cop. Yes! Somebody stole my car! Joe replies. The cop asks, Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it? It was at the end of this key! Joe replies. At this point, the cop looks down and sees Joe's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Joe, Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself? Joe looks down sadly and moans, Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!", -What's the difference between yo mamma and a water buffalo?About 20 pounds!How do you even out the difference?Either force feed the buffalo or shave your mom., -You know you're a redneck if:1) You drive your house and sleep in your car.2) You think a loaded dishwasher means your wife is drunk.3) You have more than 2 relatives named Buh Buh.4) You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.5) You've been to a wedding reception at the waffle house., -"This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.", -"You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...You automatically double-knot everything you tie. You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you. You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells. You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head? You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!", -"A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee? Her grandson said, Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'", -"Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg. Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth. For Trouser had learned that .... a mime is a terrible thing to taste.", -"A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.But officer, the man began, I can explain.Just be quiet, snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.But, officer, I just wanted to say, And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.Don't count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. I'm the groom.", -"It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. You're not going to have time to finish this, the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. Yes, I will, replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.No, you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late. The student looked incredulous and angry. Do you know who I am? No, as a matter of fact I don't, replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. Do you know who I am? the student asked again in a louder voice. No, and I don't care, replied the professor with an air of superiority. Good, replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.", -"The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'A small voice from the back of the room rang out, And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled", -"One spring afternoon, I came home to find two little girls on the steps of my building. Both were crying hard, shedding big tears. Thinking they might be hurt, I dropped my briefcase and quickly went over to them. Are you all right? I asked. Still sobbing, one held up her doll. My baby's arm came off, she said. I took the doll and its disjointed arm. After a little effort and luck, the doll was again whole. Thank you. came a whisper. Next, looking into the tearful eyes of her friend, I asked, And what's the matter with you, young lady? She wiped her cheeks. I was helping her cry, she said.", -Knock Knock.Who's there?Banana.Banana who?Knock Knock.Who's there?Banana.Banana who?Knock Knock.Who's there?Banana.Banana who?Knock Knock.Who's there?Banana.Banana who?Knock Knock.Who's there?Orange.Orange who?Orange you glad I didn't say banana!, -"1 How do you fit an elephant into your fridge within 3 steps?2 How do you fit a zebra in your fridge?3 King of the jungle , the lion every animal in the jungle will come to his wedding but one animal won't which one is it?4 A man needs to get to the other side of a bridge desperately there are killer alligators that live in the river and there is no boat how do you get across??1. step 1- open the fridge. step 2- put elephant in the fridge. step 3- close the fridge.2. step 1- open the fridge. step 2- take the elephant out. step 3- put the zebra in. step 4- close the fridge. 3. The zebra because it is in the fridge.4. Swim because the alligators are at the wedding.", -"Yo mamma so fat when she sat on a jelly bean it got lost between her butt and her backbone, and we have been looking for it still for 31 years.", -"Simon the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Simon in tears. We can't see each other any more... she sobbed. Why? gasped Simon. Daddy says that crabs are too common, she wailed. He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways. Simon was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable. Suddenly the doors burst open, and Simon the crab strode in. The lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, Simon the crab made his way across the floor, and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS; yes FORWARDS, one claw after another! Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush for quite a while. Finally, the crab spoke - Bugger, I'm pissed.", -What do you call a bear who's into gardening?A Hairy Potter!, -"A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph, with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce. The husband says nothing, but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.She then says, I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, I want the house. Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, I want the kids too.The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too. The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, Is there anything you want?The husband says, No, I've got everything I need. She asks, Really? What's that?The husband replies, just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, I've got the airbag!", -"Insurance Form Statements...Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.", -"So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.There are 365 days per year available for work.There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!", -"1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all. 2. Yelling at me for barking...I AM DOG!! 3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?!! 4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. EXACTLY whose walk is this anyway? 5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose..........stop it. 6. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy the carpet? 7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet. 8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous. 9. Dog sweaters. Hello ????? Have you noticed the fur? 10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now, you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 11. When you stop to pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me? 12. Taking me to the vet for the big snip, then acting surprised when I FREAK out every time we go back. 13. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.", -"Abraham Lincoln, Bill Clinton, and George Washington were all on an airplane looking out the door. George Washington says, I'm going to make somebody happy then throws a $20 out of the plane. Bill Clinton says, I'm going to make two people happy then throws 2 $20's out of the plane. Abraham Lincoln says I'm going to make everybody happy and throws Bill Clinton out of the plane.", -"A man noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone. Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake, said an irate voice. The man thanked his caller and politely asked his name before hanging up.The next morning at four o'clock, he called his neighbour back. Sir, he said, I don't have a dog.", -"After giving a woman a full medical examination, the doctor explained his prescription as he wrote it out. When you get up, take the green pill with a glass of water. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water.Exactly what is my problem, Doctor? the woman asked.You're not drinking enough water.", -"A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. Don't be angry at your sister, the mother says. She doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts. A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling, and her brother says, Now she knows.", -"A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a l lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, You must be single. The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was equally intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?The drunk replied, Cause you're ugly.", -"When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots.' Then she will get on with her life. A male has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3 am on a Sunday morning, he will call and say, I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us. This is known as the 'I Hate You, I Love You' drunken phone call and 99 percent of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need", -"Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.", -"Honey, said this husband to his wife, I invited a friend home for supper.What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!I know all that.Then why did you invite a friend for supper?Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married.", -"A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I'll be across the field. A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking What's wrong? I told you to be quiet.The son answered, Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said Should we eat them here or take them with us? I panicked...", -"Mummy, Mummy. I was at the playground and Daddy... Mummy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story, so Little Johnny tells her. I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...At this point Mummy cut him off and says, Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and ... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.", -"A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn. No problem, chimed the Rabbi. My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening. With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. What's wrong? asked the farmer. He replied, I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal. His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. What's wrong? the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground! That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.", -"A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. Well...explained the husband...it all goes all the way back to our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and we took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. He continues...well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once. We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and my wife quietly spoke...that's twice. You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the beast, and shot the mule dead. I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned to me and quietly said...that's once.", -"A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room. Grampa, Grampa, he says excitedly, as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog! What? said his grandpa. Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland!!!", -"A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. You need to use 'big people' words, she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. I went to visit my Nana. No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words! She then asked Mitchell what he had done. I took a ride on a choo-choo. She said, No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words. She then asked Bobby what he had done. I read a book, he replied. That's WONDERFUL! the teacher said. What book did you read? Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, Winnie the Shit.", -"A five year old boy was living with his mother, as his parents had divorced. One Sunday, she decided to take him to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas, giraffes and bears, they came upon the elephant exhibit. That's an elephant, the mother said. After the child repeated after her, he asked, Mommy? What's that thing hanging down from the elephant? The mother replied, That's his trunk, sweetheart. No, no, said the child, Behind that! Oh, that's his tail, she said. No, no! the boy exclaimed. That thing in the middle! The woman was flustered and replied, Uhhhh, that's nothing, honey! And they moved on..... The next weekend, the boy's father came to pick him up and the child cried, Daddy, let's go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned! The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart. Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, Elephant! Very GOOD, beamed the father. I'm proud of you for remembering all these animals! The boy asked, Daddy? What's that thing hanging down on the elephant? The father replied, That's his trunk. No!, the boy moaned, Behind that! That's his tail, the father replied. No, no! That thing in the middle! The father stammered, Er...what did your mother say it was? She said it was nothing! Well, the man said, puffing out his chest. Your mother's spoiled!", -"One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, ...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused then asked the class, And what do you think that man said? One little boy raised his hand and said, I know..he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'", -"As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. Excuse me, General, she asks quietly, but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy? The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.", -"Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith, the Sunday School teacher, smiling sweetly said, Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly an face, it would freeze and I would stay like that. Bobby looked up and replied, Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.", -"Heard over the hospital public address system:Due to a mix up in Urology, no apple juice will be served this morning.", -"When ice skating, never judge a brook by its cover.", -Children certainly brighten up a home. Who ever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light?, -"An American supply teacher came to a Canadian class one day. She told the students that she was an American and she asked if anyone else in the room was an American.Even though not many people in the room were, everyone put up their hand not to be left out, except one girl.The teacher stared at the girl and asked If you're not an American, then what are you? The girl replied, I'm a proud Canadian.The teacher asked Why are you a Canadian? The girl answered, Because my parents are both Canadians.The teacher asked What if both of your parents are stupid, then what will you be? The girl answered, Then I would be an American!", -"There were three kids named My, Butt, and Stupid. They were pretty dumb and didn't know the word and. One day, they were playing ball on the sixth floor. Then, suddenly Stupid dropped the ball out the window. My jumped out the window to get the ball, while Butt tried to jump out the window to catch My. Stupid saw that the two of them fall out the window and ran down the stairs. When he got down, he saw a policeman looking at My and Butt. The policeman asked Son, what is your name? Stupid answered I'm Stupid! The policeman said You're not stupid, son, now do you know what happened here? Stupid answered My Butt fell out the window!", -"One day, a grieving relative came to a grave yard to talk to the grave digger. The woman said to him I am very poor, and I don't know how I can pay for my husband to be buried! The grave digger replied No problem, I have ways for you to save money while having your husband buried. How? The woman asked. It's very simple, the grave digger replied. To save money on the coffin, all you do is put your husband's body in a large plastic bag, instead of a coffin. To save money on space of the burial, bury your husband standing up instead of laying down. To save money on the headstone, all you need to do to identify your husband is to bury only half of his body and leave his head and half of his body above groud. This also saves money and labour of me digging a whole grave!", -"One day 4 Friars decided to take an early retirement. So they retired and spent most of their time at home. Getting bored with retirement they decided they needed to try something new. After talking it over they decided to open a floral shop in the town. They knew a bit about gardening and could probably make some nice profits.So they set up shop and had the best flowers in all of town. People always bought their flowers instead of the competitions down the street. The competitions owner was pretty mad and one day he went up to the friars and said, If you dont close this shop down in one week I will make you pay.Not willing to back down to a threat the friars stayed in business for another week. Then the competitions owner came up to them with a message, My son Hugh is getting out of jail in an hour. He'll be here to make sure you close down this shop.An hour or two later a huge man came into the shop and started wrecking everything. He smashed vases, ripped apart flowers, and broke the shops windows while the terrified friars hid under the shops counter. When Hugh was through he left but gave them a warning, If you rebuild your business I'll be back.The Moral - Only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.", -What do you get when you see peas spinning in circles?World Peace , -"A genetic scientist managed to create dolphins that would live to 250 years of age - if they were fed seagulls.One day the scientist's supply of gulls ran out, so he went out to trap some more. On the way back, he came upon two sleeping lions. Not wanting to wake the big cats, he gingerly stepped over them and was promptly arrested for...Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises!", -"Once there was a girl at a restaurant and ordered anything in a saucer. The waiter was walking to her table when the girl tripped him. The waiter said Why did you trip me? And the girl, without the least of the waiter's worries simply said I wanted to see a flying saucer!", -"Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the - I didn't ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted. Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road - Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so. Well, said the farmer, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'", -Yo mama so fat she's got a real horse on her polo shirt., -"Once there was a mom and a dad , they had a daughter called Angelica. So the dad was very thirsty because he had been driving a lot, so he asked his daughter sweetheart can I have some of your juice? She answers daddy no drinking and driving, that's what the law says!!!", -"Once there were 3 guys, a Cuban, an American, and an Italian. So they worked together,and it was lunch time, so the American opens his lunch box and sees peanut-butter and jelly sandwich and he says, If I get a peanut-butter jelly sandwich one more time I'm going to kill myself.Then the Italian opens his lunch box and sees spaghetti and he says, If I get spaghetti one more time I'm going to kill myself.Lastly, the Cuban opens his lunch and sees black beans and he says, If I get black beans one more time, I'm going to to do the same.The next day the all open their lunch boxes, and the Cuban sees black beans again, so he kills himself, then the Italian sees spaghetti again, so he kills himself also. Lastly, the American sees peanut-butter and jelly sandwich again so he kills himself too.Then, at the funeral, their wifes are talking and the American wife says Oh..! he should at least told me about his lunch, that way he wouldn't have killed himself.Then the Italian wife agrees and says the same, and then the Cuban wife says, But I don't understand, he makes his own lunch!", -"Great Chicken Recipe:When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for those who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try. Baked Stuffed Chicken 2-3 kg chicken 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing 1 cup uncooked popcorn salt pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan in the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows out of the oven door and flies across the room, the chicken is done.", -"Little Johnny was on a plane when the stranger in the next seat said, Let's talk. Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers. Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, What would you like to discuss? The stranger said, How about nuclear power? Johnny said, That could be interesting. But first, I have a question. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same thing, grass. Yet a deer excretes pellets, while a cow excretes a flat patty, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is? The stranger said, I have no idea. Johnny said, Well, then, why do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?", -Knock-knockWho's thereWhoWho whoI don't know what the heck your talking about but good owl impression., -"Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.One asked the other, You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?Yes, said her friend. My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker.Her friend asked, What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.", -"Three ministers were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church.The first minister said, I shot at them with a shotgun, but it only spoiled the woodwork.The second said, I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!The third said, I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since.", -Knock Knock??who's there?HatchHatch-who?Bless you, -Who's Bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby?His baby cause he is a little Bigger., -Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team?She kept running away from the ball!!, -Knock KnocK???Who's there?YaYa who?Where did that cowboy come from??, -"A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments. The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant . Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about. As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer. Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation! Morris replied, Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant? Did you see me order this meal? Did you see the waiter bring me this food? And did you see me eat it? Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was done under Rabbinical supervision!", -"If a man becomes president, his wife is the first lady.If a woman became president, what would you call her husband?Whipped.", -"1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 102. When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look stupid? don't answer him. - Michael, 143. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 144. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 95. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 136. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 137. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 108. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 119. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 1410. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.- Kyoyo, 911. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.- Armir, 912. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 913. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.- Joel, 1014. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13 15. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8", -"A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. How did you know? his mother asked. Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied, I think it's printed on the bottom.", -"A Duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow. Who is this incredibly fine archer? cries the Duke. I must find him. After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets. You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you? asks the Duke worriedly. No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.That is truly astonishing, says the Duke. I hereby admit you into my service, but I must ask one favor in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.Well, said the boy, first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it.", -"A Husband and Wife go to the hospital to deliver their child. The doctor meets them and tells them that he has a new system that will allow the father to take part or all of the mothers labor pains. They both agree and the delivery begins. The doctor turns the dial to 10%, so that the father will take 10% of the mothers pain. The husband says he feels fine, so the doctor puts it up a notch. The husband still feels fine, so the doctor puts it up to 30%. The husband still feels fine, so it goes up to 50%. The husband tells the doctor to go ahead and put it up to 100%. The husband still feels fine and the child is delivered and the wife felt virtually no pain at all. They both go back home with their child, where they find the mailman dead on their steps!!!", -"He who laughs last, thinks slowest.", -"Signs you're a redneck Jedi;-You ever heard the phrase, May the force be with y'all.-Your Jedi robe is camouflage.-You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.-At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.-You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.-You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.-The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.-Wookiees are offended by your B.O.-You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.-You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.-Your father has ever said to you, Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot.-You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.-You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.-You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.-You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.-Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.-You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.-You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.-You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.-If you hear . . . Luke, I am your father... and your uncle...", -"There was a boy and a teacher walking down the street one day. The teacher bought the boy some gum and after chewing it for a while it fell out of his mouth. He went to pick it up and the teacher said, Never pick up things from the floor. Then, the teacher bought him an ice cream. It fell on the floor and he went to pick it up. Again, the teacher said to him, Never pick up things from the floor. Next, the teacher bought the boy a lollypop. It fell to the floor and once again he went to pick it up. The teacher told him, Never pick up things from the floor. After walking down the street some more there was a ditch ahead, but neither the boy nor the teacher noticed it. As they walked on the teacher fell in and started yelling at the boy, Help me! Help me!The boy just looked down at her and said, Never pick up things from the floor...", -"Little Johnny's school was having show and tell, so the teacher started a 'Guess What's Behind My Back' game. She went to her desk and picked something up. Okay class, she said, guess what's behind my back. It's red, round, and shiny. I know, teacher! It's an apple! shouted Little Johnny! The teacher replied, No little Johnny, it's a cherry, but I like the way you think. The teacher went to her desk again and picked up another item. Okay class, she said, what am I holding now? It's yellow, and soft. I know, teacher! It's a banana! No, Little Johny, said the teacher, it's a tennis ball, but I like the way you think. At this point little Johnny was frustrated. Okay teacher, he said, standing up, this one's for you! He stuck his hand in his pocket and pulled it out with his hand closed around it. Okay what am I holding? It's round, hard, and has a head. Shocked the teacher yelled, Little Johnny! Go to the office right now! That's inappropriate and you're in big trouble! For what, teacher? Little Johnny said, grinning, It's just a quarter, but I like the way you think!", -"Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it. The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.", -"The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. The hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk to the gills, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution , in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew, I thought, got away with that one! Then he said, We need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked him why, he said, Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, Oh shit! cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.", -"A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, Children, I would like you to close your eyes and taste these. The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint, said the teacher. It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all of the time.Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, Spit 'em out, guys; they're assholes!", -"A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, Get me a beer before it starts! The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Ten minutes later, he says, Get me another beer before it starts! She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute! The wife is furious. She yells at him Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore... The man sighs and says, It's started...", -Why did Michael Jackson cover his body in cheese spread?Because kids will do anything for the taste of Dairylee., -What do you call a blond who can change a lightbulb?Talented, -What do you call a man who put the toilet seat down after use?Don't know it's never happened., -How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?One I hope., -"Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the miracle products, she asks her husband - Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am? Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,... Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five. Oh, you flatterer! she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying... WHOA, hold on there sweety! Andy interrupted. I haven't added them up yet!", -"All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend - My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade. The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He yells - Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!", -What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball? You can drive a golf ball 200 yards., -"There is an old lady driving on Interstate 22. A police car pulls her over and explains to the lady she is going 22 mph. She said, ''I know, isn't that the speed limit? The officer said, ''No, this is Interstate 22''. The police officer looks in the back seat and there are three children looking quite ill. He asks her if they need help and she explains, ''No, we just left Interstate 119.", -"A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a Dear John letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky.The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:Dear Becky,I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.Take care, Ricky.", -"This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. It's free, Peter replied; this is Heaven. Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, What are the green fees?. Peter's reply, This is heaven, you play for free. Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. How much to eat? asked the old man. Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free! Peter replied with some exasperation. Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables? the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven. With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!", -"- Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you. - No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. - Friendly fire ain't. - The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. - The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already had it mined. - The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at. - Incoming fire has the right of way. - If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush. - If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. - The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. - Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.", -"The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage of about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession , one of them looked at his watch. Hey! We need to get back! No need to panic, said a fellow bassist. I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled. A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. Well, of course, said her companion. Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.", -"A Licensed Counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...You all have obsessions, he observed. To the first mother, he said, You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.He turned to the second Mom. Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.He turns to the third Mom. Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, Come on, Dick, we're leaving.", -"An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, Going to a party?'Yeah,' the man answered, 'I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.' 'But you look like Abe Lincoln.' protested the barkeep. 'That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.'", -"- Nice Set of Floppies!- Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.- I'd like to play on your laptop.- Need me to unzip your files?- If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!- I'd like to boot up your PC!- I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!- I've got a 21 inch... - I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...- Your homepage or mine?", -"There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.When asked to define great he said, I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.", -"So, this guy, Bill is sitting in a bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe, says 'That's amazing. Where did you get him?' Bill answers 'well, I got this magic lamp with a genie.' So Joe asks 'that's great, could I use it?' Bill says 'sure ' and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He continued, 'I want a million bucks'. Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks!Joe exclaims 'Hey! I asked for 1 million BUCKS! Not DUCKS!' Bill explained.'Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?", -"A Mexican, an Asian, an African, and an American all somehow come across a genie at the same time. They rub the lamp and the genie pops out and agrees to grant them all one wish each. The genie turns to the Mexican and asks what he wished for.I wish that myself and all of my people could return to Mexico and live without poverty and wars. With that, the Mexican disappeared. The genie then turns to the Asian and asks what he wished for.I wish that myself and all my people could go return to our countries in Asia and live in peace and happiness.And the Asian disappears. The genie next asked the African what he would like.I wish that myself and all of my African Brothers and Sisters could return to our homelands in Africa and live in wealth and be bothered no more by the rest of the world.With that, the African disappears. The genie turns to the American and asks what he wishes for.Before I make my wish, am I to understand that all of the Mexicans, Asians, and Africans are each in their countries forever?The genie nodsI wish for a Coke.", -"A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Roshashanna.Oh, the Catholic girl says. That's the holiday when you light the eight candles, right? No, the Jewish girl replies. That's Hannukah.Oh, right, the Catholic girl says. Roshashanna is the holiday when you eat the unlevened bread?No, the Jewish girl replies. That's Passover. Roshashanna is the holiday when we blow the shofar.See, the Catholic girl says. That's what I like about you Jews...you're so good to the help.", -"One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!", -"A length of Rope went into a bar, sat on a stool, and ordered a beer. The Bartender said, We don't serve Ropes here. Dismayed and disappointed, the Rope went out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and asked, Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?. The man obliged, and with this done, the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer. The Bartender looked him over and said, Say, aren't you the same rope who was in here before?! No, was the reply, I'm a frayed knot.", -"Bill walked into his favorite dive bar, took his regular stool, looked around, and asked Louie, the bartender, Where's Beverly, the waitress?She's dead, replied the bartender. Dead? asked Bill. She died from herpes, said the bartender. Bill replied, You don't die from herpes. You do if you give it to Big Louie! said the bartender.", -"A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife? The man said, We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month. The bartender said, That should make you happy. The man sadly shook his head and said, Not when the month is up today!", -"Four business men are flying over the the UK having tea and taking in the sitesThe first man who is English looks out of the window and cries Ah there is my beautiful EnglandA while later the second man who is Irish looks out and criess There is my beautiful IrelandA while after that the Third man looks out and criess There is my beautiful ScotlandThe fourth man who is Chinese feels very left out. He comes up with an idea. Picking up the tea set they have been using, he tosses it out of the window and cries Ah my beautiful China", -"Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. Why do you do that, mommy? he asked. To make myself beautiful, said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. What's the matter? asked Little Johnny. Giving up?", -"An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. Where did you get such a great bike?, asked the first. The second engineer replied, Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.' The first engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.", -"A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, Have you been drinking, sir? Why? Was I weaving all over the road? No, replied the policeman, you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away.", -"Farmer John was taking his cow and it's newborn calf to sell in the auction. On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree. Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however, left the newborn calf behind. Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry. Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by. They recognized John and untied him. When they did, farmer John picked up a long stick and started whipping the calf with it. 'Why are you thrashing the poor calf?' his neighbors asked?To which farmer John replied, 'I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly...I am NOT your mother! I am NOT your mother!!!", -"A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, Who is this? This is the maid., answered the woman. We don't have a maid! I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house. Well, this is her husband. Is she there? Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband. The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, Listen, would you like to make $50,000? What do I have to do? I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with. The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. What should I do with the bodies? Throw them in the swimming pool! What?! There's no pool here? Long pause... Uh .... is this 832-4821?", -You're so fat you make sumos look anorexic., -You're so fat Richard Simmons laughs at you., -"Dear Mother and Dad, It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are sitting down, okay? Well, then, I'm getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I have nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment. It's really a basement room, and it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection that prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. I have bumps all over my down there but this will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily. I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race, color and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by this fact. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital. I am not pregnant. I am not engaged. I do not have a disease and there is no miscegenation in my life. However, I am getting a D in history and an F in science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective. Your loving daughter, JL", -"It's a beautiful spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.She's got on a close-fitting, lowcut, pink summer dress with spaghetti straps.As they walk thru the ape exhibit, and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.He jumps up on the bars, he grunts, he pounds his chest.He is obviously excited at the sight of the young lady in the sundress.The husband, noticing the apes excitement,suggests that his wife tease the ape.The husband suggests that she pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom.She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited,making noises that would wake the dead.Then her husband suggests that she let one of the straps of her dress slip down.She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear down the bars.Her husband suggests she lift her dress up her thighs and she does.This about drives Mr. Gorilla crazy.Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her inside with the gorilla, slams the door shut, and gleefully rubbing his hands together, says:Now, tell him you have a headache.", -"There was a little guy in a bar drinking his beer, when all of a sudden a big guy comes and knocks him off his stool and says that was a karate chop from JapanThe little guy get's back up on his stool again and start's to drink his beer again, when all of a sudden the big guy knock's him of his stool again, and says that was a karate kick from China, So the little guy get's back up and leave's for a moment then come's back in and goes up to the big guy hits him and knock's him off of his stool out cold.... he then, tell's the bartender when he gets up to ask me, that was a crowbar from Sears", -You might be a redneck if you think fast-food is hitting a dear at 65mph., -"Two crisps are walking down the road when a car pulls up alongside and the driver leans out and says Do you fancy a lift?. The crisps reply, No thanks we're Walkers.", -"Attending the funeral of an actress who had been married ten times, a friend sobbed to the priest, Well, at least they're together at last.The clergyman looked around. Which of her husbands is buried here?None, said the friend. I meant, her legs.", -"After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer. The first sits down and says, Hey, Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona. The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The second says, I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of Beers.' One Budweiser please. The bartender gives him one. Another guy says, I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors. The bartender gives him one. The guy from Guiness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other presidents look over at him and ask, Why aren't you drinking a Guiness? The Guiness president replies, Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I.", -"You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, She's/he's fantastic in bed. That's Advertising. You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, Hi, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, By the way, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, I hear you're fantastic in bed. That's Brand Recognition.", -"Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, ...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.", -"A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll? Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient. Oh, says the little girl, I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch.", -"There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary. He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation. Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'", -"A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up. He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, Did you have a good trip? Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas. Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box.", -"Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment. So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, How many bibles did you sell? The boy stood up and said, 35. Is that all you sold? the preacher asked. He looked at the second boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said, 75. That is good, the preacher replied. He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impediment said ''I-I-I s-s-sold 175.'' The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how did he sell all of the bibles. He said ''I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them'''", -"A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike. How'd you get that, son? By hiking. Hiking? Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike.", -"A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horny. One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find. As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he had promised himself he would take the first thing he could get, he grabbed the lion and screwed it. Just as the gorilla finished, the lion awoke and was really pissed. The lion started chasing the gorilla through the zoo and was beginning to gain on him. The gorilla turned a corner and saw a park bench with a newspaper on it. Thinking quickly, the gorilla sat down on the bench and held the newspaper in front of him like he was reading it. When the lion turned the corner he stopped at the park bench. Not knowing what was behind the newspaper he asked the reader if he had seen a gorilla run by. From behind the paper, the gorilla said, You mean the one that screwed the lion? The lion shook his head and shouted, Oh No! It's already in the papers!", -"A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup, drove down to the woods, and shagged them all. The next day he called the vet again, and asked how he would know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked not even one was lying down. So he loaded them up in his pickup again, drove them to the woods, and shagged them all again. To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck, drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time. By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says, Hmmm - that's weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn.", -"A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, Dad, am I pure polar bear? The dad replies, Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear. Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, Mom, am I pure polar bear? She answers, Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear? His grandmother answers, Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie? The baby polar bears replies, Because I'm f-ing freezing!", -"A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see! So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. Randy, he said, I'm counting on you to do your stuff. And without a word, Randy strutted into the henhouse. He was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But he didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself. But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy.Shhhhh, Randy whispered, The buzzard's getting closer.", -"A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas? The little girl replies, I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe. Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, I thought Barbie comes with Ken. No, said the little girl. She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.", -"One very loooooong summer day, not so long ago, a guy was driving down a long and never-ending road, when he noticed a sign that saidTen miles ahead Sisters of Mercy brothel.The guy really confused by somewhat intrigued decides that it is weird but if it were true he might check it out.Later down the road he finds the same sign but it reads five miles ahead the Sisters of Mercy brothel.So now the guys decides that he is definitely going to stop at the brothel five miles down the road.FIVE MILES LATER...He drives into a parking lot in front of a small windowless building with one door that says entrance to the Sisters of Mercy brothel.He gets up to the door and on the doorknob Knock three times is inscribed on it.So the guy filled with intrigue knocks three times, and immediately after the third knock an extremely old nun opens the door and says.Hello, are you looking for a few good nuns.Yes, yes I've been on the road all week and I'm pent up like hell, god I am.As the nun gives the guy a cold look she tells him to come inside and follow the winding path.So the guy goes through about fifteen hallways and finally comes across a door that says WAITAnd after a five minute wait the biggest butch of a nun comes and says high you came for a nun.After having the shit scared out of him by the big nun she tells him that the nun of his dreams is on the other side of that door, but she tells him he has to strip naked right here and bend over facing the door keeping his eyes closed.After doing those two tasks he feels the door in front of him swing open, and suddenly a sharp pain in his ass, he was kicked outside and the door slam shut and lock behind him.As he walked around the long building buck naked, he gets back to the parking lot realizing that his car is missing, and the front door is locked. As he turns around he notices a card on the ground and opens it up and he reads!CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY!", -"10. Bring some dry ice make it look like your computer is smoking. 9. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 8. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 7. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 6. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell COVEEEEERRRRRR! peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. Oh, good. It worked this time, and calmly start to type again. 5. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 4. Sneak up behind some engrossed in their work screaming, DISK FIGHT!!! and bop them on the head with a disk. 3. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. 2. Get a pair of 3-d glasses. Wobble around while walking and keep yelling, Whoa, that looked so real! 1. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you", -"14. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor; then say, Whoops, could you kick that back over here please? 13. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast. 12. Take in a wineskin filled with water. Stand and slowly squeeze it out into the toilet, every 15-20 seconds moan or sigh. 11. Say, Boy, that sure looks like a maggot. 10. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your Cross-Dressers Anonymous newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 9. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, Peek-a-boo! 8. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, May I borrow a highlighter? 7. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 6. Say, Hmmm, I've never seen that color before. 5. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. 4. Say, Now how did that get there? 3. Say, Interesting... more floaters than sinkers. 2. After flushing, say, Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do? 1. Fill a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, Whoa! Easy boy!", -Yo momma is so fat that she is on both sides of the family!, -"This lonely little boy was sitting at home, and he recently discovered the noises and smells that can emit from his body in the form of a fart.So the bored little boy decided to travel the world looking for the best fart,He went to Canada and realized that the cold temperature caused the farts to be really short.He went to Mexico and realized all the spicy foods caused really uncomfortable farts.All other parts of the world had interesting farts but not what the boy was looking for.Feeling that he failed, the boy went back home after his yearly trips around the world, only to walk in on his mom bending over into an oven attempting to pull a cake out.In the middle of her attempt she ripped the biggest fart in the world,The boy was immediately excited he found the best fart,Which proves the moral of the storyHOME IS WHERE THE FART IS!", -"A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -Cold As Ever.' Yeah?! she replies. When you die, I'm gettingyou a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -Stiff At Last.'", -"All the little rascals sat down for class, and the teacher decided to start off the day with a spelling quiz.The teacher first asked Darla, Darla, can you spell dumb?D-u-m-b, said DarlaThe teacher then said, Can you use it in a sentence?Buckwheat is dumb.Okay, can you spell stupid? said the teacher.S-t-u-p-i-d.Can you use it in a sentence?Buckwheat is stupid.Buckwheat, can you spell dictate?D-i-c-t-a-t-e.Can you use it in a sentence?I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good.", -"A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.So did you follow him?Yes, I did.And...where did he go?Over to your house...", -"I woke up one morning knowing I was going to have a bad day. I went to put on my shirt, but when i picked it up, one of the buttons fell off. When i went to put on my pants the button fell off of them too. I went downstairs to eat my breakfast, my toast fell off the plate. By then i was getting very frustrated. I picked up my brief case, and as you have guessed by now, something fell off. I decided to walk to work. When I got in I told my boss, I've really got to use the bathroom. He said, Why didn't you use it at home? I replied, Because everything I touched, something fell off so I'm afraid.", -"He who laughs last, doesn't get the joke.", -"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?", -"There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can not!", -Vacation begins when dad says. I know a shortcut!, -Energizer Bunny arrested... charged with battery., -"Lottery, a tax on people who can't do math", -all generalizations are false, -"Yo momma so fat, and you so poor, she stepped in your house and the tires popped.", -"Eat right, stay fit, die anyway!", -"IRS... we've got what it takes, to take what you've got", -Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot., -"DNA, national dyslexic association", -"Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.", -I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it., -No one is listening to you until you make a mistake., -"Dyslexics of the world, untie!", -"DARE, to keep cops off donuts", -"On the other hand, you have different fingers.", -"Save a tree, eat a beaver!!", -Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool., -"Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.", -"Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else!", -"Always go to other peoples funerals, or they wont come to yours.", -Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time., -Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks., -Nobody's perfect-I'm a nobody., -Ask me about my vow of silence.., -Courdory pillows--they're making headlines., -What is another word for Thesaurus?, -The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread., -"How many gay people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?8, one to screw it in, and seven to stand back and say Fabulous!", -"The bandage was wound around the wound.The farm was used to produce produce.The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuseWe must polish the Polish furniture.He could lead if he would get the lead out.The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.I did not object to the object.The insurance was invalid for the invalid.There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.They were too close to the door to close it.The buck does funny things when the does are present.A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.The wind was too strong to wind the sail.After a number of injections my jaw got number.Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?", -"-The Vain PersonOne who loves the smell of his own farts.-The Amiable PersonOne who loves the smell of other people's farts.-The Proud PersonOne who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.-The Shy PersonOne who releases silent farts then blushes.-The Imprudent PersonOne who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.-The Unfortunate PersonOne who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.-The Scientific PersonOne who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.-The Nervous PersonOne who stops in the middle of a fart.-The Honest PersonOne who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.-The Dishonest PersonOne who farts but blames the dog.-The Foolish PersonOne who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.-The Thrifty PersonOne who always has several farts in reserve.-The Anti-Social PersonOne who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.-The Strategic PersonOne who conceals his farts with loud coughing.-The Sadistic PersonOne who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.-The Intelligent PersonOne who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.", -"There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.", -"10. Conversations often begin with Put the gun down, and then we can talk.9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.8. The cat is on Valium.7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.3. Family meetings are often mediated by law enforcement officials.2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.", -"1. Your boss is always yelling, I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.3. I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.5. You want to see if it's like the dream.6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add Exotic Dancer to your exaggerated resume.7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.9. Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.10. No one steals your chair.", -"Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah. Sarah said, Cows have spots. Terrence said, ''Baseball is a sport. Carla said, Computers are electronic. Bobby said, Urinate. Mrs. Flebs said, Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence. Bobby said, Not urinate, it's you're an eight. And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.", -There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off singing - I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone, -"A lil boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, Where`s Mom and Dad? and she replied, They`re up in bed, so the lil boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma Where`s Mom and Dad? and she replied, They`re still up in bed, and the lil boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the lil boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, Where`s Mom and Dad? and his grandmother replied They`re still up in bed and the little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, What give's? Every time I tell you they`re still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here? The little boy replied, Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead.", -"Her name was Virginia. They called her Virgin for short, but not for long!", -"And out of the night came the terrible scream,Who put the sand in the Vaseline!?", -"If my dog was as ugly as your mom, I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards!", -"A woman, calling a local hospital, said, Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse. The voice on the other end of the line said, What is the patient's name and room number? She said, Sarah Finkel, in Room 302. I will connect you with the nursing station. 3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You? I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302. Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock. The woman said, Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic ...that's wonderful news! The nurse said, From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend! Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit!!", -"A panda walks into a bar and eats lunch. When he is finished he shoots the waiter and leaves. The owner ran after the panda and asked him why he did such and thing. The panda replied, Look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary. The owner did so and it read, Panadas are black and white animals. They eat shoots and leaves.", -"All the boys and girls in Mrs. Dovers class are drawing. Mrs. Dover came over to Tommy and said, What picture are you drawing? Tommy said, A cow eating grass. Ok, where's the grass? The cow ate it all. Ok, where's the cow? He went to go look for more grass.", -What's the difference between two yards?A. Usually a fence., -Knock Knock?Who's there?MeganMegan who?Makin a list chekin it twice gonna find out who's naughty or nice., -"There were 3 tomatoes. A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato started to fall behind and the papa tomato called over to him and said, Ketchup!", -"All lazy peoples' slogan must be The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. But fear not for all of you who wake up early just keep this in mind:The first cat gets the mouse.", -Knock Knock!Who's there?Yo da lay he.Yo da lay he who?I didn't know you could yodel!, -"A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ...I'm a gynecologist.At that point, the proctologist fainted.", -"Adam and Eve said, Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us. And God said, No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves. And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal. And God said, No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG. And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well. And God said, No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration. And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.", -"1. Look at the size of his putter. 2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent. 3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker. 4. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 6. Lift your head and spread your legs. 7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired. 8. Just turn your back and drop it. 9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls. 10. Damn, I missed the hole again.", -"A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!'' The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''", -"A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears with an otoscope, he asked, Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here? The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there? Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, Do you think I'll hear Barney in there? Oh, no! the little girl replied. Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants.", -"A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.' So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche. Wow! the man said, Can I take it for a test drive? Sure, answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly. When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500? Then the lady replied with a laugh, My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'", -"A man left for work one Friday afternoon, but since it was payday, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck instead of just going straight home. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and a two-hour tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply asked, How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?The man replied, That would be fine with me.Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough that he could see her a little bit out of the corner of his left eye.", -"Knock-KnockWho's There?RitaRita who?Rita book, you might learn something!", -Q. What do you call a guy that sits on your doorstep?A. A Matt., -"Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Johnny a three-year-old had a lot of problems with potty training and his mother was with him constantly. One day they stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying her taco, the mother smelled something funny, so of course she checked her seven-month-old daughter and she was clean. Then Mom realized that Johnny had not asked to go potty in a while, so she asked him if he needed to go, and he said No. She kept thinking, Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me. Then she said, Johnny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident? No, he replied. she just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! she asked one more time, Johnny, did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!! While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.", -"A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant? The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?", -"One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, What setting do I use on the washing machine? It depends, she replied. What does it say on your shirt?He yelled back, University of Oklahoma.", -"1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos -- you never know what's going to burn your butt.2) I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.3) Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.5) I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.6) Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?7) My reality check bounced.8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.9) I don't suffer from stress; I am a carrier!10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.12) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.13) Be careful, a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.14) Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.15) The more bull you put up with the more bull you are going to get.16) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home. ADJUST!!!18) Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!19) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.20) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.21) I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.22) What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!23) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine?... It's the one with bite marks on the cap!!!", -Yo daddy so bald he has to have holes in his pocket to finger through his hair., -"A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. Pardon me, she said, I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently. I'm very sorry, replied the young man, Is there anything I can do for you? Yes, she said. As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better. Sure, answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, Goodbye mother! As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. How can that be? he asked, I only purchased a few things! Your mother said that you would pay for her, said the clerk.", -Why is the letter E like London? Because it is the Capital of England, -"What disasters would happen if a waiter dropped a plate of turkey?The downfall of Greece, the overthrow of Turkey and the break up of China", -Knock-Knock?Who's there?Alison.Alison who?Alison to the radio sometimes!, -"A man is walking down the street. Further down the street he notices Little Johnny. Little Johnny is sitting in a red wagon, wearing a fireman's hat. The wagon is tied to a dog, by its balls. The man says to LittleJohnny Little Johnny you could go alot further, if you tied the rope around the dogs neck. Little Johnny replies If I did that, I wouldn't have a siren", -"A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to borrow the car because he has a hot date. The dad says, ''Sure, as soon as you cut your long hair.'' The boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted his dad replies, ''Dad, Jesus had long hair...''And the dad replied, ''Yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went too, didn''t he?''", -"A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife. What did the doctor say?He said you're going to die, she replied.", -"Yo' mama so poor, all she got you for Christmas was a video of other kids playin' with their toys!", -"Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby, so Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home. I promise not to mention his ears at all, said Little Johnny.At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, Oh, what a beautiful little baby! The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, Thank you very much, Little Johnny. He then said, This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good? The mother, a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies Why, yes ... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask? Little Johnny said, Well, it's a good thing, cause he sure as shit can't wear glasses.", -"What's the difference between a jailer and a jeweler?One sells watches, one watches cells!", -Yo mamma so stupid she threw a clock out the window to see time fly., -"A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, What's so funny, Pat? I just saw one of your garters! Get out of my classroom, she yells, I don't want to see you for three days! The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, What's so funny, Billy? I just saw both of your garters! Again, she yells, Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe; I don't want to see you for three weeks! Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns, to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. Where do you think you're going? she asks. From what I just saw, my school days are over!", -"It was recess and the pre-schoolers came in. The teacher asked Susie what she did today. ''Well, I played in the sandbox,'' she said. The teacher said, ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie.'' So Susie did. Then Billy came in and the teacher asked what he did. ''I played in the sandbox with Susie,'' he said. ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie,'' the teacher said. So Billy did. Then the little Russian boy said, ''Well, I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Billy and Susie were throwing rocks at me.'' The teacher said, ''Well, that sounds like discrimination. If you can spell that, I'll give you a cookie.''", -Yo mama is so stupid that she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind., -"Yo mama so short, she did a suicide jump off of the curb.", -"Your IQ is so low, you have to dig for it!", -"At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement. Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. The string is for us to go to the bathroom, explained the waiter, that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to wash our hands. The customer asked, Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in? The waiter whispered confidentially, I don't know about the others, but I use the two spoons.", -It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets., -How did the redneck die drinking milk? The cow sat on him!, -"Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.Who is it? calls one of the nuns. Blind man, replies a voice from the other side of the door.The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.Nice gazongas, says the man, where do you want these blinds?", -"Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, and everyone elses' stinks.", -What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk., -"There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me. And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her,she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband. She said, Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him. You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him? I sure did, said the wife. I wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.", -"1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room. 5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old. 11. Play-Doh and microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCRs do not eject PBJ sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.", -Yo momma's so fat that I ran out of gas trying to drive around her., -"Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy. ''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours. Instead, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours. He almost died!'' ''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours. Instead she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!'' All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway. ''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''", -"A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. ''Put these on,'' he said to his wife. She did and they were nearly twice her size. ''There's no way I can wear these. They're too big,'' she said. ''Good, now you know who wears the pants in this family.'' Flustered, the wife takes off her panties and gives them to her husband. ''Put these on,'' she commands. The husband looks at the small pair of panties and says, ''There's no way I can get into these.'' To which the wife replied, ''You're right about that until you change your attitude.''", -"A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned.The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford? Hismother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would.Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt? His sister looks up and says, Omigod! Definitely!The kid goes back to his father and says, Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with a couple of sluts.", -"A man asked God how much a million dollars was to him.God replied, Oh, about one penny.Then the man asked how much an eternity was to him.God replied, Oh, about a second.Then the man asked. Can I have a million dollars and live an eternal life?God replied, Sure, just wait a sec.", -"One day in summer, Jack was going to visit his friend John. When he got to his house, he saw John, who was dressed in his warmest winter coats. What are you doing? Are you nuts? It's the middle of summer! cried Jack. I am painting my house. And on the can, it says you must put two coats on.", -"A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child? The wife replied, I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son. With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, Thank God he didn't ask about the other three.", -"George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, I sure would like to go to Disneyland. George said, No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One. The second kid said, I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's. George said, I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them! The third kid said, I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!! George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, But you don't look like you are injured. The kid says, I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!", -What did the baby lightbulb say to his mother?I wuv you watts and watts!, -"Yo' Mama's teeth are so yellow, her tonsils have to wear sunglasses.", -Yo mama is so dumb she brought toilet paper to a craps game., -Q. What happens when you cross a Bulldog with a Shih tzu? A. You get Bullshit., -Yo mama so ugly when she threw a boomerang it never came back!, -"A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now. To which the boy replied, What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?", -"Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem. Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem. Thou shall not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll. Thou shall not sit in front of the television or computer monitor as thou are not transparent. Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy behind. Thou shall not lie down with thy behind in thy human's face. Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors. Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it. Thou shall not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself. Thou shall not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down. Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity. Thou shall not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow. Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house. Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat. Thou shall show remorse when being scolded.", -"A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch, when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, Do you have any last requests? The guy says, Yeah... could you please do could you please do something to scare me?", -"A couple had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night, there would be screams and shouts from their house. The old man often screamed these words at her in public, I'm sick and tired of you! When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you! The old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances in the neighborhood of cats, dogs and people were blamed on him. At the age of 80 the old guy died, and his wife put him in a casket. Later that night, she went to a bar and partied as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor asked her, Aren't you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you? The old lady calmly replied, Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket in face down.", -"Six Most Important Men in a Woman's Life THE DOCTOR, because he says, Take your clothes off. THE DENTIST, because he says, Open wide. THE HAIRDRESSER, because he says, Do you want them teased or blown? THE MILKMAN, because he says, Do you want it in the back or in the front? THE INTERIOR DECORATOR, because he says, Once it's in you'll love it. THE BANKER, because he says, If you take it out too soon you'll lose interest.", -"Yo mama's so dumb, she drowned during the wave at the football stadium.", -"As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this!.", -"How are women and a tornado alike?They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.", -Ben DoverMike HuntPhil McCrackinAjock StrapAnita CockIpe FreelySeymour Buttes, -"HER DIARY Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, Nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, I love you, too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it any more, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY Today the Yankees lost, but at least I got laid.", -"A little boy is leaving school at the end of the day. As he strolls along the sidewalk, a car pulls up to the curb, and a man winds down the window. Hey, kid, I've got candy in my car. Hop in and I'll give it to you. No. I'm not going to. The boy walks on. Further down the road, the car pulls over again. Hey there kid, if you get in my car, I'll give you all this candy, and a big bottle of cola. How about it? No way! Now leave me alone! The boy walks on, quickening his pace. The car again pulls over beside him. Look, kid, I've got a puppy at home you'd love to see. Get in and I'll take you there. You can have all the candy and the cola on the way. What d'you say to that? The boy is getting agitated. He stops walking, and leans down to the car window. Look, I don't care what you promise me Dad. I'm NOT riding in your Lada!", -"-This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. -Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early. -Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing Put Me In My Little Bed accompanied by the Pastor. -Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study. -This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. -The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join her. -On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper. -The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.", -"A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50. Why so little? she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, Look, I should tell you first ... that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty vulgar stuff. The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird carefully looked around the room, then it looked at her and said, New house ... new madam. The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, That's not so bad. When her two teenage daughters returned from school the parrot looked at both of them, and said, New house ... new madam ... new hookers. The girls were at first a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the whole situation. She then began to think about how to explain this to Keith, her husband. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. Before he had time to close the door, the bird took one look at him and said, Hi Keith.", -"Two drunks get thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, I sure wish I could do that!The other one looks at him and says, Well, I think I'd pet him first.", -"Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand So, says the second drunk, what's your point? Well, says the first, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!", -"The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it.One day, this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, I'd like to try the bet. After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away, then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what? The man replied, I work for the IRS.", -"A preacher goes into a bar and says Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up. Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die? The drunk says When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.", -"After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. But sir, said the clerk, you have the best room in the hotel. I insist on another room!!! said the drunk. Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502? asked the clerk. Well, for one thing, said the drunk, it's on fire.", -"A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun? One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun? One male parrot said to the other, Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!", -"The captain called the sergeant in. Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me. So the sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. Listen up, men, says the sergeant. Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh, by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander. Later that day the captain called the sergeant into his office. Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful next time? Yes, sir, answered the sarge. A few months later, the captain called the sergeant in again with, Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful. So the sergeant calls for his morning formation. Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. Not so fast, McGrath!", -"A grasshopper walks into a bar.The bartender smiles and says Hey, ya know we have a drink named after you!The grasshopper stops and says Really? You have a drink called Steve?", -Borrow money from a pessimist---They don't expect it back., -A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory., -Where does Superman's goldfish live ?In the superbowl...., -Where does Batman's goldfish live ?In the BAT-TUB!! ahahaha..., -"An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. Hey, he says, What's with the steering wheel down your pants? Ach, says the Irish man, it's drivin' me nuts!", -"Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample. The old man says, What? So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, what? So the doctor yells it, I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE! With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, He needs a pair of your underwear!", -"A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. He service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said It looks like you've blown a seal , the man replies No, it's just frost on my moustache.", -What do you call a fly without wings?A walk., -"Two atoms are walking down the street when one atom says to the other, I think I lost an electron.The other atom says Are you sure?Yeah I'm positive!", -What do you call a pretty woman in Poland?A tourist, -"What is worst tasting, a bag of onions or porkloaf? Porkloaf, why? Because porkloaf spelled backwards is faolkrop which sounds like fowl crap.", -"10. Hey! Now there's a gift! 9. Well, well, well... 8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit. 7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement. 6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires. 5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious! 4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program. 2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity. 1. I really don't deserve this", -"UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOKDRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.SICK DAYSWe will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. PERSONAL DAYSEach employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday Sunday. BEREAVEMENT LEAVEThis is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.RESTROOM USEEntirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic Offenders category.LUNCH BREAKSkinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week!THE MANAGEMENT", -"A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat. The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager. Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, All right buddy, what's your name? Sam, the man moaned. Where ya from, Sam? With pain in his voice Sam replied The balcony.", -"Your mom's so fat, I have to take a bus a train and a cab just to get on her good side.", -Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion., -"Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, OK!", -"A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, Yes, Officer?What are you doing? the policeman asked. What does it look like? answered the young man. I'm reading this magazine. Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, And what is she doing? The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, What does it look like? She's knitting.And how old are you? the officer then asked the young man. I'm nineteen, he replied. And how old is she? asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen.", -"A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. It's the minister, Mommy, the child said to her mother. Then she added, Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle.", -"While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. What is the big brass gong and hammer for? one of his friends asked. That is the talking clock, the man replied. How's it work?Watch, the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!", -"A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned.Tell me, she asked the rather elderly salesman, is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater.", -"The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. Oh, there's not much to it, admitted the clerk happily, I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office.", -"One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!Her mom replies, Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad.", -"The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.The lady said, Who's paying for this? Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!", -"Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed! As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.The millionaire was impressed. He said, That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars? The guy catches his breath, then says, Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!", -"The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude... A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, I guess you'd be eating alone, sir.", -"There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce. As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, And this gentleman wants to buy the other half. The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son? The boy replied, Minnesota, sir. Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota? inquired the manager. The boy replied, They're all just whores and hockey players up there. My wife is from Minnesota, exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, Really! What team did she play for?", -"A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter? A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, It's my dog. Why?Well, squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, I believe my dog just killed it, sir. What? roared the big man in disbelief. What in the hell kind of dog do you have? Sir, answered the little man, it's a little four week old female puppy. Bull! roared the biker, how could your puppy kill my Doberman? It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.", -Two ducks walk into a bar...One duck looks at the other and says Guess you didn't see it either., -A test-tube baby has a womb with a view., -If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?, -"A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why? they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.", -"These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards:1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 6. The student has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 7. This child has been working with glue too much. 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others. 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.", -"An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, what'll you have? The man says, Give me three pints of Guinness please. So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one. The man says, You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died. The man said, Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.", -"A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink, so he puts a sign on it saying, I spat in this beer, do not drink! After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, So did I!", -"Your mama so fat that when she goes swimming in the ocean all the whales start singing, We are familly even though you fatter than me.", -Your dad's bald spot is so big you could draw an H on it and call it a helicopter landing pad., -"What do you call something with 4 eyes, 3 noses, 7 ears, and 2 mouths?Ugly!", -"A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, Mommy, I have to pee. The mother said to the little boy, It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.' The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, Daddy, I have to whisper. The father looked at him and said, Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear.", -"There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale. A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish. The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that. The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!", -"1. If I like it, it's mine.2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine. 7. If it looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine.9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.10. If it's broken, it's yours. Also...11. If you built it, I get to knock it down.", -"Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.", -"A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.That was a honey bee, his father said, one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week.Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.That was a butterfly, his father said, one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week.The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter.Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it.The boy looked at his father and said, Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?", -"There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim said, No, that's okay. God will take care of me. So, the man in the boat drove off. The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in. Jim replied, No, that's okay. God will take care of me. The person in the boat then left. The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim said, That's okay. The woman said, Are you sure? Jim replied, Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me. Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God. Jim said to God, You told me that you would take care of me! What happened? God replied, Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?", -A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did., -"An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked theCommanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition! So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked How did you do it? Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a three-day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!", -"A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. So the farmer says Oh, shoot! It went in one ear and out the udder...", -"Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. Certainly madam, he replied courteously. Is the restaurant open still? inquired Mary. Sorry, no, came the reply, but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu? Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please, said Mary. Certainly madam, he replied. And can I have breakfast in bed? asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please, Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.Morning, madam...sleep well? Yes, thank you, Mary replied. Food to your liking? Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though... they really weren't that nice at all, replied Mary truthfully. Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion, said the receptionist. OK, I will, thanks! replied Mary, who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.Supercauliflowercheesetheeggswerequiteatrocious!", -"Once upon a time... There lived a king. The King had a beautiful daughter, the Princess. But the kingdom was a sad place. There was no laughter, and no joy. The problem was, that everything the Princess touched would melt. No matter what, metal, wood... anthing she touched would melt!! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his beautiful daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured. The King was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt at her touch, would marry her and inherit the King's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first Prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. When the Princess touched it, it melted. The Prince went away sadly. The second Prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But, alas, once the Princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed. The third Prince approached. He told the Princess, Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there. The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand...and it did not melt!! The King was overjoyed! Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed! And the third Prince married the Princess and the both lived happily ever after. The question is?!?!?!? What WAS the object in the Prince's pocket??? They were MM's, of course. THEY melt in your MOUTH, NOT in your HAND!! ", -Why did the bubblegum cross the road?Because he was stuck to the chickens leg., -Why did President George W. Bush go into a gorilla's nest in the jungle?To be with his family!, -"A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fitted under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised its level of unruliness.Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.", -"A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy father and thy mother, she asked Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat one little boy answered, Thou shall not kill.", -"A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, Who am I? Ready to play the game she said, I don't know! Who are you? WOW! cried the child. Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!", -"A man was about to die, so he went to a black magic store to get a voodoo dick. The man at the store said, It works. Anything you tell it to go to, it goes. So your wife can just say, 'Voodoo dick, my pussy.'The man buys it and gives it to his wife. She says, Voodoo dick, my pussy. It goes in and starts screwing. But she doesn't know how to get it out. So she speeds to the hospital, but a cop catches her. He says, What's the hurry? She says, There's a voodoo dick stuck in my pussy. The cop says, Voodoo dick, my ass!", -A man and wife are out shopping one day.The wife turns to her husband and says; Darling it's my mum's birthday tomorrow what shall we get her? Perhaps something electric?A chair? replies the husband., -"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?Nothing, you already told her twice...", -"Joe and Ted finished an exam and talked to each other afterwards.I did terrible, said Joe. I think I was filling in the wrong bubbles!Me too, replied Ted.Well, why did you do terrible? asked Joe.I forgot to bring a pencil!", -"1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?6. Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing?7. Why does fat chance mean the same thing as slim chance?8. Why do tug boats push their barges?9. Why do we sing Take me out to the ball game when we are already there?10. Why are they called stands when they are made for sitting?11. Why is it call after dark when it is really after light?12. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?13. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?14. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?18. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?19. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?", -"Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one! Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, Teacher, they're on the wrong feet. She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, These aren't my boots. She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, Why didn't you say so? like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em. Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, Now, where are your mittens? He said, I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots. Her trial starts next month.", -"Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if... your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles you have a shuttle called Billy Joe Bob he refers to Klingons as Critters he refers to Photon Torpedoes as Popguns he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section he says, Got your ears on, good buddy instead of open hailing frequencies he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it he says, Yee-Ha! instead of Engage he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser he insists on calling his executive officer Bubba he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of Bassmaster he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens he paints the starship John Deere green he refers to a Pulsar as a Blue Light Special he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a swamp his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale he sings Lucille instead of Kathleen his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge his idea of a gas giant is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies he sets phaser to Cajun", -A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces I'm looking for the man who shot my paw., -"I half a spelling checker, It came with my pea sea; It plainly marks four my revue, Mistakes I kin not sea. I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your please two no, Its letter perfect in it's weigh, My checker tolled me sew.", -"Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking. Certainly, she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the tellers. The line starts over there.", -"My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!", -Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and let me in!, -"A policeman pulls over a reckless driver along the road. Going up to the driver's window, he takes one look and notes, Your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking? The driver looks up out of those bloodshot eyes and responds, Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?", -"The Dean from the University of Northern Colorado was a victim of a hit and run. He was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. My mother-in-law just tried to run me over! the shaken Dean told the cop. The car hit you from behind, the officer said. How could you tell it was your mother-in-law? I recognized the laugh!", -"A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor, who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said, Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat. The lawyer said, You are correct. How much was the meat? The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150, for legal consultation.", -When is it Michael Jackson's bed time? When the little hand meets the big hand., -What do you call happiness? Seeing your mother-in-law's photo on the back of a milk carton!, -"What's the difference between an alchoholic a drug addict? The alchoholic drives over the stop sign, while the drug addict waits for it to turn green.", -Barry calls his boss. I'm having problems with my eyes. What's wrong with them? his boss asks. I just can't see myself coming into work today., -"If I wanted to think of a better come back, I'd dig it out of your $$!", -"One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Newfie walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the foam. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Newfie too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU THIEF!", -Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick ? A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck., -Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for ? A. They are Braille for suck here., -Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ? A. You come in one and go in the other., -Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job ? A. After 5 years your job will still suck., -Q. What's the best thing about a blow job ? A. Ten minutes of silence., -Q. How is a woman like a laxative ? A. They both irritate the shit out of you., -Q. Why do husbands die before their wives ? A. They want to, -Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull ? A. Lipstick., -"10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.8. Ohh, this diamond is way too big!7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.5. Honey does this outfit make my butt look too small?4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.1. Hey, pull my finger!", -"An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall. One of them says, Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed reallyquick. How did you get it fixed? Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her.Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out,Honey, look!She rolls over, turns on the light and says, You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?", -"There once was a pack of Indians and the Indian Chief could never seem to fart. So eventually he got one of his Indian people to call up a doctor and tell him Big Chief no fart!. So the doctor came up the next day with a pill and hesays Here, take this and call me the next day to tell me what happened. So the Indian calls back up the next day and says Still, Big Chief no fart! So the doctor brought up an even bigger pill. The next day the Indian calls the doctor up and says Once again, Big Chief no fart!. So the doctor had enough of this and brought this HUGE pill, I mean this pill had to be taken in by tanks. So the next day the Indian calls up the doctor and says...BIG FART, NO CHIEF!!.", -"A man went to his dentist because he has a strange feeling in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?The man replies, All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything. Well, says the dentist, That's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It has eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome. Why chrome? asks the patient.To which the dentist replies, It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!", -"There once was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. He retired following a happy thirty-year career. Shortly thereafter his company contacted him about a seemingly impossible problem with one of their million-dollar machines.The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. After spending a day studying the huge machine, he marked a small X in chalk on a machine component and proudly stated, This is where your problem is. The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly.The company was astounded to receive a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.The engineer responded briefly:One chalk mark ..............$1Knowing where to put it .....$49,999", -"That wife of mine is a liar, said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. How do you know? the friend asked. She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley. So? the friend replied. So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!", -"There were 2 guys who were best friends, Bob and Carl, that went walking everyday past a very fancy restuarant made up of very clear, expensive glass. Well everytime they went by, they would always make jokes about the rich snobs who dined there . So one day Bob made a bet with Carl that he could make half of the people throw up. As soon as Carl agreed on the bet, Bob went and put his boogers and some dog poop all over the glass and indeed half of the people did throw up. So Carl lost some money but wanted to get it back. So he made a bet the he could get the other half of the people to throw up. Bob thought there is no way of doing this but he did. Carl went up and licked it all off! And in the end they both broke even.The End ", -"There once was a very old man,whose verses no one could scan.And when they asked, Why?he said, I don't know, Ijust put too many words in the last line, I guess.", -There was an old man from Purduewhose limericks stopped on line two., -"An engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were on their way to a tech conference on the other side of the mountains.Half way down the other side, the brakes gave out, and the engineer steered for all his life to keep the car from going clean off the edge.It was at the last second, skidding sideways towards doom, that the car finally stopped. One tire dropped over the edge.The three sprang from the car, shaking and panting. The engineer was the first to speak.We could have been killed! I would like to get under the car and see just what happened to those brakes. Something has to be fixed.The systems analyst agreed. Yes, but I'd like to see the design blueprints. We could fix the problem with these cars with a little research.The programmer was scratching his head. I wonder if that's repeatable.", -"What's the difference between a Scot and Mick Jagger?Mick Jagger sang Hey, you, get offa my cloud.The Scot says Hey, McCloud, get offa my ewe.", -"A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, a golden rat interested him and he went to purchase it.That'll be $20 for the rat and $1,000 for the story behind it, said the shop owner. Thanks, but I'll just take the rat for $20 and leave the story. He bought the golden rat and left the store. While walking down the street, he saw all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, even more rats came. He went down to the docks and still more rats ran out and followed him. So he walked out into the water, and all the rats drowned. He returned to the curio store soon after. Sooo, said the proprietor. You've come back for the story, I thought so! Nope, said the man. Got any golden lawyers?", -"A man arrives at his laywer's funeral and and was very dismayed by the presence of this one person. He turns to the people around him. 'Why are you all at this man's funeral?' A man turns towards him and says, 'We're all clients.''And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.' 'Huh? No, we came to make sure he was dead.'", -"Yo momma's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this:Washington, California...", -What is a horse's favourite Shakepearean play?Rodeo and Juliet, -"Here's the day's stock market report:Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remained unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.Coca Cola fizzled.Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Rain dampened the rally.Balloon prices were inflated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.", -"Yo moma's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen.", -"Yo moma's like a fine restaurant, she only takes deliveries in the rear.", -"Yo momma's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow.", -"A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first she said. What does your mother do all day? Tim stood up and proudly said, She's a doctor.That's wonderful. How about you, Amie? Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy? Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy works in a topless bar!The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.Billy's father said, I'm actually an attorney. But, how can I explain that to a seven-year-old?", -"Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet below ground instead of the usual 6?Because deep down, they're not so bad!", -"Which is heavier, 20 pounds of rocks or 20 pounds of sugar?Their both 20 pounds! doy!", -Better to be pissed off than pissed on., -"Whew, that's one terrific spread! I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. Talk about a huge breast! It's Cool Whip time! If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst! Are you ready for seconds yet? Are you going to come again next time? It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? Just wait your turn, you'll get some! Don't play with your meat. Just spread the legs open stuff it in. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? I didn't expect everyone to come at once! You still have a little bit on your chin. Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it. How long will it take after you stick it in? You'll know it's ready when it pops up. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that! How many are coming? That's the biggest one I've ever seen! Just lay back take it easy...I'll do the rest. How long do I beat it before it's ready?", -What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?time to get a new fence!, -What do you call a pig who knows karate? A Pork-Chop!, -"An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over. What seems to be the trouble young man? asked the old gentleman. The officer said, Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car back there? To which the old gentleman exclaimed, Thank you son, I thought I went deaf!!!.", -"Roses are red,Grass is green.You have the shapeOf a washing machine.", -What's brown and has holes in it?Swiss shit!, -Definition of Agony?One armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls, -"A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now. The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt. Yep, he said, Just what I thought, just about the same size. The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking? The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. What's the matter? he asked. To which she replied, You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?", -"After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The Moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home... ....including the curtain rods.", -"For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?Tommy burst into tears and confessed, I think Mommy ate it!", -"A little nine-year-old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. Mommy she said Can we leave now? No, her mother replied. Well, I think I have to throw up! Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush. In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. Did you throw up? her mother asked. Yes, the little girl replied. Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly? I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy, the little girl replied, They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'.", -"Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an after-hours appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!To which the bird replied, Killer, get him!!!", -"One day, I had to pick up my ne're do well brother because his car had broken down. I probably shouldn't have done this, but I wanted to show off my cool new car I got, so I agreed. I left work at about five o clock and I went to the gas station before I picked up my brother. Of course, after a few bad incidences with the gas station attendants, I discovered that self serve was the way to go, so I pulled up and hopped out of my car. When I was finished pumping the gas, I pulled out the pump, but I had forgotten to completely let go of the handle, so some gas spilled out onto the sleeve of my jacket .'Big deal' I thought, and I paid for the gas and got back into the car. Well, something you must know about my brother is that he's a terribly addicted smoker, and of course, he has no regard for peoples things, not even their new car with leather seats. So, of course, the first thing that brother of mine does when he gets in the car, is lights up a cigarette. Remember the gas I spilled on my jacket? Well, needless to say, one spark from that lighter sent my arm bursting into flames. CRAP! I screamed. I pulled the car over and jumped out. I was waving my arm around like crazy trying to get that fire out. Luckily, a policeman drove by and stopped to help me. He had a fire extinguisher in his cruiser and he used it to put out the fire on my arm. Thank you officer I said If you hadn't stopped to help me, my arm could have burned off! It was no problem ma'am, the officer replied in very formal police style,but I'm sorry, I'm going to have to give you a fine Why officer? I said, completely shocked He Replied FOR USING A FIREARM WITHOUT A LICENCE", -"During training exercises, the lieutenant who wasdriving down a muddy back road encounteredanother car stuck in the mud with a red-facedcolonel at the wheel.Your jeep stuck, sir? asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.Nope, replied the colonel, coming over and handinghim the keys, Yours is.", -"On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. Oneday the tower received a call from an aircraft asking,What time is it?The tower responded, Who is calling? The aircraft replied, What difference does it make?The tower replied It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to Happy Hour.", -"- Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'- I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!- Nice Asimov.- Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody.- Earth woman, prepare to be probed!- I'm the droid you're looking for.- Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears.- Hey, baby. I own Microsoft.- Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'- If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me masturbate while I download pictures of Jeri Ryan?", -"A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? he said to her.I don't know, replied the beautiful young woman. It depends how personal it is.OK, the guy said. How many men have you slept with?I'm not going to tell you that! the woman exclaimed. That's my business!Sorry, said the guy, I didn't realize you made a living out of it.", -"Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God, invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell. God, always fair, said to the devil, The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided. Don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven? The devil, smiling, responded Yeah, but we've got all the refs!", -"You're so dumb, you studied for a blood test!", -"A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new... He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new... He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again...", -Children in the back of the car cause accidents. Accidents in the back of the car cause children, -"A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. You, sir, are drunk! And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!", -"A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one, said the driver. ''Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!'' So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, ''This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.'' So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he approached the back door, he was suprised to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he'd just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can't find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger's house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party. A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. ''Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don't believe me!'' ''So YOU'RE the guy!'' The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ''HONEY!?!...HERE'S THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!'''", -"A small boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, What is this, father? The father responded, I have no idea what it is. While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, Go get your mother.", -"A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, ''You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?'' ''What, my dear?'' she asked gently. ''I think you bring me bad luck.''", -"-Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. -Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.-Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.-Bathhouses are against the law.-In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.-No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. -Women may not drive in a house coat. -It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.", -"A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, Hey lady, you are really ugly. Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, Hey lady, you are really ugly. She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, Hey lady, you are really ugly. The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, That's not good, and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, Hey lady. She paused and said, Yes?The bird said, You know.", -"The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.", -"In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert. A woman standing next to him said, You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert. The man looked at her and said, Lady, I'm Albert.", -"God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway. The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered . . . 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4.Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.8. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... 9. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.10. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.11. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.12. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?13. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. 14. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 15. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.", -"A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother said to her, No. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, Now Brenda, we just have five of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now. Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, there, there, Brenda, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out. When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, Brenda, just control yourself, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes.The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Brenda, he began. The mother replied, I'm Brenda - my little girl's name is Ashley.", -"486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete - Any computer you own. Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago. Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object. Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.", -"Humphrey comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, What's in the bags? Sand, answered Humphrey. The guard says, Well, we'll see about that. Get off the bike. The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Humphrey overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Humphrey, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, What have you got? Sand, says Humphrey. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Humphrey, and watches him cross the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events repeated everyday for three years. Finally, Humphrey doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. Hey, Buddy, says the guard, I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling? Humphrey sips his beer and says, Bicycles.", -"A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish? He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, What is her name? He answers, Monica Lewinsky. There is a long pause, then his mother asks, What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?", -"Q) How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb?A) One, but it takes 3 lightbulbs.", -Q)Where do penguins go to dance?A)The snowball, -Q)Where do eskimo pigs live?A)In a pigloo., -Q)Why does a traffic light turn red?A)You would to if you had to change in front of all those people., -Q)what do you call a polar bear in the jungle?A)lost!, -Q)A hippo is sitting on your chair....what time is it?A)Time to get a new chair, -Q.Why shouldn't you wear snow boots?A.Because they will melt!, -Q. Why would Snow White be a good judge?A.Because she's the fairest in the land., -Q.Where do tough chickens come from?A.Hard boiled eggs!, -Q.Why did the house go to the doctor?A.To get a cure for his window pane!, -What did the chef name his son?Stu, -How do you fix a broken tomato?With tomato paste!, -"After many years of marriage, a husband turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported Goony bird and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, Goony bird! The table!Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, Goony bird! The shelf!Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.Wow! said the wife, If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will! So she bought the bird and took it home.When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. Honey! she exclaimed, I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, Goony Bird, my foot!", -What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food? Let us prey., -"There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Ferraro 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Ferraro dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted 240-S.The dealer asks, Why 'S'?The snail replies, 'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving.Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say Wow! Look at that S-car go!", -What did the cat say to the elephant?......................meOW!, -"Two tone paint work - Original color and rust.One careful owner - But the other nine were clumsy as anything.10,000 trouble-free miles - Crashed in the last 20 feet.Heated rear window - So you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter.Very clean - Only washed if and when it rains.Lady owner - The glove box is full of half-used cosmetics.Clean interior - All the rubbish is under the floormats.Immobilizer - The gear shift comes off in your hand.Anti-theft device - I can let you have a Rottweiler cheap.Drives beautifully - ... in a straight line; the steering is all over the place.Low mileage - The odometer is on its third time around.Full service history - Charlie in the garage round the corner checked it over last week.Economical - Doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph.", -"A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser? Nah, the first girl replied. That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all. The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, Well, how was his kissing? Ugh! the first girl exclaimed. Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross! The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, Well, how was his kissing? Well, the first girl replied, his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!", -"On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out. and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesn't work? they wondered, Are we stuck together forever? St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking some what bedraggled. Yes, he informed the couple, you can get married in Heaven. Great,said the couple, but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven? St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. What's wrong?, asked the frightened couple. COME ON! St. Peter shouted, It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?", -"A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book. How current is your copy? he asks. I get a download every ten minutes, St. Peter replies, why do you ask? I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet. I'm glad to hear that, Pete says, but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life? The guys thinks for a moment and says, Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next. So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN! St. Peter, duly impressed, says Wow! When did this happen? About three minutes ago.", -"In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive....", -"Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket. How can the three of you travel on one ticket? asks a lawyer. Watch and you'll see, answers an engineer. Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them. When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, Ticket, please. The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. On the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all! How on earth are you going to pull this off? asks a lawyer. Watch and you'll see, answers an engineer. They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom. Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. Ticket, please!", -"- Watching a nature show where animals fornicate, he keeps winking and doing the eyebrow thing.- When you ask him what kind of car he likes to drive, he solemnly replies, The skin bus to tuna town, and then laughs until he cries.- You note that integrity is so important in a man, he notes that what he looks for in a chick is you know.- He whispers, You're beautiful, to your thighs, then glances up at your face and says, Oh you, too.- When you comment on the rarity of men these days who seek mature relationships, he giggles quite a bit. - In conversation with others, he refers to you as his quality tail.- Washing dishes after you've cooked him dinner for the first time, you reach behind you to take the paper towels off the paper-towel rod and then realize that you don't own a paper-towel rod.- When you're insulted by his motel suggestion at the end of your first date, he looks impressed and says, Hotel?- When you proudly recount your glorious high school valedictory speech to him, he praises your multi-talented mouth.- When you tell him what you do for a living, he stares at your breasts and loudly asks, What do they do?", -An epileptic young woman named CampWas seduced on her couch by a trampBut the first time he squeezed herShe had a Grand seizureAnd broke both his balls and a lamp., -"You're so fat, when you sleep over someone's house, you sleep OVER someone's house!", -"You're so dumb, you tried to rip the lips off a chicken!", -"This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm? Because he was conceived during a mighty storm. Why is my sister named Cornflower? Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her. And why is my other sister called Moonchild? We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived. Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?", -"Russian Roulette, by Hugo First", -"The Lazy Boy, by Yu Doit", -"There was an Iraqi force moving thru the desert. As they were approaching some mountains they heard One U.S. Marine can take out 10 Iraqi fighters! The General of the army sent out ten of his men to take care of the american, none of them came back after some shooting. Then he heard, One U.S. Marine can take out 100 Iraqi fighters! So the General sent out 100 of his men after a long time of shooting none of his men returned. Then he heard One U.S. Marine can take out 1000 Iraqi fighters! The General, angry now, sends 1000 fighters. After a very long time of shooting one man comes back. In his dying breath he said, Don't send anymore men! Its a trap, there are two of them.", -"He's great on the court, a sportswriter spoke of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. But how's his academics?Why, he makes straight A's, replied the coach.Wonderful! said the sportswriter.Yes, agreed the coach, but his B's are a just little crooked.", -"How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?Only one - but he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.", -What do soccer players drink?Penaltea!, -"At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, Yes I am, I married the wrong man.", -"My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street. Oh, that's terrible Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions.", -How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it!, -"A father watched his young son practice baseball in the backyard by throwing the ball up and swinging at it. Time and time again the bat missed contact. The boy noticed his father watching, and said, Wow, Dad! Aren't I a great pitcher?", -I found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him., -"It was a dark, stormy, night. The marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.A general stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out Sir, good evening, sir!The general, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said, Good evening, soldier, nice night, isn't it?Well, it wasn't a nice night, but the private wasn't going to disagree with the general, so the he saluted again and replied, Sir, yes sir!The general continued, You know, there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?The private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded, Sir, yes sir!The general, pointing at the dog, This is a golden retriever, the best type of dog to train.The private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said Sir, yes sir!The general continued, I got this dog for my wife.The private simply said, Good trade, Sir!", -"On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks And get me a whisky, you cow! The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, And get me another whisky, you idiot. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you. The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!", -"Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlordsCould you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.", -"One day there was a woman who lost her cat named LOVE. It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, I'm looking for LOVE. The policeman arrested her on the spot.", -"10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.9. Today is our what?8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?7. I thought we only celebrated important events?6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought, Why bother?4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.", -"What do u call, a hippopotamus that dances? A hiphopanominus", -How do you make a Kleenex dance?Put a little boogie in it!, -What is the square root of 69?Ate something , -Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho ho ho., -"I used to think you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts", -Why do firemen use red suspenders?To hold their pants up!!!, -"You're so dumb, you staple in the middle of the paper!", -Yo momma is so stupid that she gets lost in a telephone booth., -Why didn't the chicken cross the road?Because he was attempting to cross it when yo mamma got hungry., -Q:What do you call a 500 pound Russian that can bend you like a bendy straw?A:Sir, -What's black and white and played all over?Black and White , -Why did the chicken cross the playground?To get to the other slide!, -How many nerds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?One to be the cunsultant. One to be the labor manager.Two to hire people.Four to actually screw in the lightbulb.Five to be the ladder and ten to be the company board of directors., -"Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, Give me all your money or I'll shoot, the man shouted, That's not what I said!", -"The cop got out of his and walked up to the kid who was stopped for speeding. He rolled down his window.I've been waiting for you all day, the cop said.The guy replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could. When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.", -"Don't be afraid of the dog, said the lady to young Johnny, who was delivering her groceries. You know the old proverb, 'A barking dog never bites?'Yes, replied young Johnny. You know the proverb. I know the proverb. But does your dog know the proverb?", -"Three little boys went into a candy store. I want two cents worth of jelly beans, the first boy said to the clerk. The clerk frowned. The jelly beans were on the top self, and he didn't like climbing up there just to sell two cents worth, but he did it. When he came down, he put away his ladder and turned to the second boy.What will you have? he asked.I'll have two cents worth of jelly beans, too, said the boy. Angrily, the clerk got the ladder and climbed up to get the jelly beans. While he was still up there, he turned to the third boy.You don't want two cents worth of jelly beans, do you? asked the man.No, sir, answered the third boy, so the man climbed down and put away the ladder.Now, what do you want? the clerk asked the boy.A nickel's worth of the jelly beans, replied the lad.", -"A fine-looking gentleman sat down in the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself. After he was given the check, he summoned the head waiter.Ah, my friend, he said, that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners and thrown into the gutter just as if I were a bum!I am so sorry, sir said the head waiter. But, you understand-Oh it's quite all right! interrupted the gentleman, but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again.", -What do you call a herd of white people?AvalancheWhat do you call a herd of black people?MudslideWhat do you call a herd of mexicans?Jailbreak!, -"Give away something other than candy. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, Trick or Treat! Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, Top Secret in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, It's about time you got here, give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, Come in. When they do, have everyone yell, Surprise!!! Act like it's a surprise party. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural whirring sound. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, Crawl for it! When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay. Answer the door with a mouthful of M M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.", -"In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be? Little Stevie raised his hand and said, I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche. The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, I would want silicon. The teacher said, Why Johnny? He responded by saying, Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!", -"Friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard.", -"While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never believe this!", -Q. How do you know when you're REALLY ugly? A. Your dog humps your leg with his eyes closed, -"A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum.You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'", -"A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read, I am perfectly well.A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel - collect - on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message, This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind.", -"While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the good old days.Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?Yup, we sure are, Roy replied.Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate? another man asked.The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up.", -"1. Happy Anniversery!2.You're wearing THAT to the party!!??3.Do I look fat in this?4.You didn't know it was my birthday today!?5.Oh my god! Can't we just be friends!6.Listen honey we have to talk... I think, I'm pregnant.7.Here's 100 dollars!8.Hey! Is it okay if some of my friends come over to watch football and we go crazy when our team loses.9.Sweetie can we not do it tonight?10.Honey I'm home! How have you been today?!", -1. Happy aniversery!2. Do I look fat in this?3. Heres 100 dollars! Buy whatever you want.4. I think im pregnant.5. Do you wanna come shopping with me and my friends? We're going to Victoria's Secret.6. I'm cheating on you with 1 other man and 2 women.7. Hunney... can we not do it tonight. I'm just not in the mood.8. Do you just wanna go on a vacation just me and you? We can go to the Bahamas!9. I'm sorry.10. Whenever you wanna get divorced just tell me., -"Three men, a fat man, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican, are standing on a bridge. The Russian removes a bottle of vodka from his coat, takes a sip, and then throws the bottle over the bridge.The Puerto Rican asks, Why did you do that? That was perfectly good bottle of vodka!The Russian replies, There's plenty of that where I come from.The Puerto Rican doesn't want to be upstaged, so he removes a joint from his pocket, takes a long puff, and then throws the rest of it over the bridge.The fat man exclaims, Hey! What the hell did you do that for? That was a perfectly good joint!The Puerto Rican replies, There's plenty of that where I come from.Now, the fat man doesn't want to be upstaged, so he searches through his pockets but he can't find anything. He looks around for a moment, then rips off his stomach and throws it over the bridge.The Russian exclaims, What the hell did you do that for?Thats gross!The American replies, There's plenty of that where I come from.", -"After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her. Adam answered, Yes Lord, but what is a kiss? So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable. And the Lord replied, Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve. Adam said, What is a caress? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, Lord, that was even better than the kiss. And the Lord said, 'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve. Adam asked, What is 'make love' Lord? So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went behind the bush with Eve, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, Lord, what is a headache?", -"Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise mangive wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstilesideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.", -"After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, What's that? Adam replied, Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home.", -"A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. Thank you very much, said he, for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!", -"The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, Pastor, I will contribute $1,000. Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000. Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, Pastor, I will double my last pledge. He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, Pastor, I will give $20,000! This prompted a deacon to shout, Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!", -"A man named Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day, when he accidentally got too close to the edge and fell. On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall. He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down for more than a thousand feet. He couldn't hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff. So Jack began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something. HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? HELP! He yelled for a long time, but no one heard him. He was about to give up when he heard a voice. Jack, Jack, can you hear me? Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here! I can see you, Jack. Are you all right? Yes, but who are you, and where are you? I am the Lord, Jack. I'm everywhere. The Lord? You mean, GOD? That's Me. God, please help me! I promise if you'll get me down from here, I'll stop sinning. I'll be a really good person. I'll serve You for the rest of my life. Easy on the promises, Jack. Let's get you off from there; then we can talk. Now, here's what I want you to do. Listen carefully. I'll do anything, Lord. Just tell me what to do. Okay. Let go of the branch.What?I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me. Let go. There was a long silence. Finally Jack yelled, HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?", -"A Little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark. The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. You don't have to be afraid of the dark, she explained. Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you. The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, Are you sure he's out there? Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him, she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?", -"This husband and wife couldn't have any children, so they went to the pastor and asked for prayer.The pastor prayed for them and annointed them with oil.Sure enough, about 9 months later they had triplet babies. The couple once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. What was that all about? he asked.She replied, I'm just glad you used three in one oil and not WD40.", -"A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson; If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, Ryan, you be Jesus!", -"At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said, Johnny, what is the matter?Little Johnny responded, I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.", -"This form is designed for excuse you'll need for the trouble you've caused.. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. Dear:a) Momb) Dadc) Love of my lifed) Teachere) Local Police Chief Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that youra) Carb) Housec) Petd) Haire) Left arm was severely damaged by mya) infantileb) puerilec) ineptd) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistice) woefully under appreciated prank.How could I have known that thea) carb) jet skic) large helium balloond) rodent driven sledgee) Zamboni I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of youra) houseb) wifec) Cub Scout troopd) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torche) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans, you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability toa) imagineb) fathomc) comprehendd) appreciatee) pay for and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights toa) hate meb) sue mec) spank med) take my firstborne) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond, but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around ata) schoolb) workc) churchd) the bowling alleye) the municipal jail, and to remember that I am first and foremost youra) friendb) childc) siblingd) lease co-signere) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant. I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one thata) was so stupidb) was so sillyc) would have been funny if it workedd) you would have done, if you had thought of it firste) I'm going to use again on someone else.", -"1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.2. Cry. Cry often.3. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago...or with other boyfriends.4. Make them apologize for everything.5. Get mad at them for everything.6. Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.7. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his Little Princess.8. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.9. Criticize the way they dress.10. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24/7. Then compare and contrast.", -Grandchildren are God's rewardfor not killing your children., -"A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled. Jerves, she said, take off my dress. He did this carefully. Jerves, she continued, take off my stockings and garter. He silently obeyed her. Jerves, she then said, remove my bra and panties. As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and then said, Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!", -"This Is From A Florida Newspaper...A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash,ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor,cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill,the wife went down several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom,sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen,heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them on the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how her husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.", -"Shit may be the most powerful word in the english language:You can be shitfaced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or decide to shit or get off the pot.You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, or tell others to eat shit and die.You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.People can be shitheaded, shitbrained, shitblinded, and shitover. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some Days are just shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the Wrong shit, or alot of weird shit.You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit , or find yourself upshitcreek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and othertimes you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.And remember:once you know your shit,you don't need to know anything else.", -"If a rabbit were racing cabbage, who would win?The cabbage, because it's a head.", -"It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinkin'? PERVERT I know what you were thinking!", -"Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. It's a very handy thing, God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability. Adam jumped up and blurted, Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!! On and on he went, like an excited little boy who...well...had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. it seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturition while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.Fine, God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, What's left in here? Oh yes, he said, Multiple orgasms...", -"Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was o.k. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said o.k..After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!As I waved back, I said loudly, What is the good news?The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time! Alex shouted.The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.", -"A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. Think it's safe to cross? the man asked.I reckon so, replied the farmer.The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface, the man said to the farmer, I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!Well, shoot! said the farmer, scratching his head. It only come up chest-high on my ducks!", -"Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, Is God male or female?After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, Well, honey, God is both male and female.This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, Is God black or white?Well, God is both black and white.This further confuses him so he asks, Is God gay or straight?At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, Honey, God is both gay and straight.At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, Mom, is God Michael Jackson?", -"Two men were running for the same seat in their state senate. The two men had just finished meeting for lunch in a restaurant. Said the first man I'm going to win the election because I put in a personal touch. For example, I left the waiter a ten dollar tip so that he would vote for me. That's nothing, replies the second man to the first, I left the waiter a 5 cent tip, and told him that I was your campaign manager.", -Where should a dressmaker live?On the outskirts of the city., -Why was the broom tired?It over swept., -"An American and Japanese were sitting next to each other on a plane. The American turned and asked the Japanese, What kind of -ese are you?The Japanese man answered I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean.What kind of -ese are you? the American repeated. The Japanese was showing obvious confusion. Irritated, the American explained, Are you Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, what? Oh, I'm Japanese.Soon after, the Japanese turned to the American and asked him what kind of -key he was. The American, now annoyed, replied, What d'you mean, 'key'?The Japanese asked again, Are you a monkey, a donkey, or a Yankee?", -The Japanese eat little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans. CONCLUSION:Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what gets you., -"Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.", -"There was a couple doing yard work, and the wife stops to go up and take a shower. The husband is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out of the upstairs bathroom window, Where's the rake?She can't hear him, so he points to his eye , points to his knee and then makes raking motions.What? she yells, confused. So he goes through the whole routine again.She nods as if she understands and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her bum and then rubs her crotch.Her husband is somewhat confused, but totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom. What did you say?She answered, I said, 'Eye, left tit, behind, the bush.'", -"An angry wife met her husband at the door. She could smell alcohol on his breath and there was lipstick on his collar. I assume, she snarled, that there's a reason you're waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?There is, he replied. Breakfast.", -"You're so dumb, you invented the solar powered flashlight!", -"A teacher was teaching a class about the big bang theory. She asked Billy to go outside and observe his surroundings. She then asked... Billy did you see the sky? Yes, said Billy. Did you see the sun? Yes, said the boy. Did you see God? No, said the boy. The Teacher said, So God really isn't there. A little girl started to ask Billy some questions. Did you see the sky? Yes was the reply Did you see the sun? Again, yes was the answer. Do you see the teacher's brain? Because according to her, she doesn't have one!!!", -"The Bathroom Door is Closed. Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out. Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken. I am not trapped. I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY. Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done. Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door. Do not go running back to the phone yelling, She's in the BATHROOM! Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in. Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two, but not now. Do not slide pennies, Lego's, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome. If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done. And yes, I still love you. Mom", -"A mother was driving her kids to school one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back, said one youngster. No, said another, he's just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close. They use the dogs, she said firmly, to find the fire hydrant.", -"A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old daughter ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. Daddy, what happened to him? the daughter asked. He died and went to Heaven, the dad replied.The little girl thought a moment and then said, Did God throw him back down?", -"A little boy had just got home from Sunday School and mom was cooking lunch. Mommy, is it true that before you're born you're just dust and after you die you go back to being dust? That's right son, why? Well that's just what they said at church today. Run up stairs and wash your hands son, lunch will be ready in a few minutes. About 10 minutes went by and she called out for him to come down. I'll be there in a minute. As they were about to sit down at the table, the little boy asked again about being dust before being born and after you die. Once again mother said yes son. The little boy looked at her and said, then you better get up to my room pretty quick, because something under my bed is either coming or going!!", -"An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, Stop....Acts 2:38! . The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you. Scripture? replied the burglar. She said she had an AXE and two 38's!", -"A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?", -"Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fallInto the clutches of cholesterol;At polyunsaturates, I'll never mutter,For the road to Hell is paved with butterAnd cake is cursed and cream is awfulAnd Satan is hiding in every waffle.Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,And Lucifer is a lollipop,Teach me the evils of hollandaiseOf pasta and globs of mayonnaise;And crisp fried chicken from the southLord, if you love me, shut my mouth.", -"A little girl and her father decided to go to church, because her father wanted to introduce her to the Christian World. As they sat down, a collection plate begins to be passed around. As the plate came to the girl's father, he searches his pockets for money. Then his daughter whispers in his ear, Don't worry Daddy, I'm already free and covered.... I'm under 5.", -"One night, a man and his wife decide to go out on a date. They get all dolled up, call the cab, and put the cat out. When the cab arives, they head out the door just as the cat darts back inside. The man head backs in to chase out the cat, and his wife heads to the cab. Not wanting to let on that no one would be home that night, she explains to the driver, He's just going back in to say good-night to my mother.In a few minutes, the man returns to explain, Sorry it took me so long. The old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!", -"A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where there laid out on the bed was a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear.The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on the bed was a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party.By this time the wife is irrate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three items. In one neat pile is a set of three white buttons, another is a white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood. The husband yells at the wife, What the hell are these for? The wife yells back, You can take your clothes off and take the three white buttons and put them on the front of you and go as a domino, and if you don't like that one, you can take the belt and put it on and go as an Oreo cookie. And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudge sickle.", -"One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with This was England's finest hour. Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, Winston Churchill. Congratulations, said the teacher you may go home. The teacher then said, Ask not what your country can do for you. Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, John F. Kennedy. Very good says the teacher, you may go. Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, I wish those girls would just shut up. Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday.", -"Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?He sold his soul to SantaDid you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?He's all right now.Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.How do crazy people go through the forest?They take the psycho path.How do you get holy water?Boil the hell out of it.How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?She says, Daddy, I want a new apartment.What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?Dam.What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?Polaroids.What do prisoners use to call each other?Cell phones.What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?National Dyslexics Association.What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?A stick.What do you call cheese that isn't yours?Nacho Cheese.What do you call Santa's helpers?Subordinate Clauses.What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?Quatro sinko.What do you get from a pampered cow?Spoiled milk.What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?Frostbite.What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?A pachydermatologistWhat has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a treewould kill you?A pool table.What is a zebra?26 sizes larger than an A bra.What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?Sanka.and what kind of lettuce?Iceberg.What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?A nervous wreck.What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?The taste.What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?Anyone can roast beef.Where do you find a no legged dog?Right where you left him.Where do you get virgin wool from?Ugly sheep.Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?They all have phones.Why do bagpipers walk when they play?They're trying to get away from the noise.", -"Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50. The second boy says, That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100. The third boy says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!", -"One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire. His father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.' The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.' But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.' The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape. The father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.' The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duct tape!' The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Awhile later, the son came home with two ducks under each arm. The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!' The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'", -"A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm way out in the country side.Just days after he moved, he realized he was out of chicken feed, so he went down to the nearest store. . Can I get me some chicken feed? the man asked. Yup, but ya can't have none unless you can prove to me you actually got chickens. Don't want no one eatin' it or nothin' an' gettin' sick, the clerk responded. He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the chicken. Here's my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed. He got his feed and drove home. The next day he ran out of dog food for his dog. Once again, he drove down to the store, foolishly not thinking about bringing his dog. It was the same case. He had to present his dog to the stubborn clerk. He went back home and retrieved his dog, and got his dog food. The next day, he went down to the store again, this time with a shoe box with a lid on it that had a hole in the top. He walked into the store and said to the clerk, Smell this. That smells like... crap! she said with a look of surprise on her face. Oh... toilet paper.", -"A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said No way! You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ. Well, she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married, to a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said I'll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond, you're marrying a By-God West Virginian boy, so he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. In a couple of days they returned. The confused father asked Where is your sister? They replied We were almost there Dad, but we got to this overpass with a sign that said 'Clarence 13'6'' so we turned around and drove the hell out of there!", -"You know you've had too much coffee when...You can type sixty words a minute with your feetInstant coffee takes too longYou chew on other people's fingernailsYou answer the door, before people knockYou sleep with your eyes openYou go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffeeYou don't even wait for the water to boil anymoreYou're the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don't even work thereYou help your dog chase its tailYou lick your coffeepot cleanYou go to AA meetings just for the free coffeeYou're so wired you pick up FM radioYou have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!", -"A man goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks Wow, this is cool. He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums. This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk. When he gets there, he asks the manager, Mister, that's it!! Why won't those drummers stop?! I can't get any sleep! The manager replies, No! The drums must NEVER stop. It's terrible if the drums stop drumming. Why?When drums stop... bass solo begins.", -"Knock knock.Who's there?You.You who?Yoo hoo, I'm right over here!", -"Two small boys, one catholic and one protestant get lost in the woods. Darkness comes down and they near a monastery. Upon entering they are asked their faith, telling the head monk their religions. The Catholic lad gets the best of treatment, good food, a good bed near the fireplace. The protestant lad however gets a bowl of cold gruel, and is told to sleep by the drafty door to keep the cold out of the room.In the morning the head monk asks the boys how it was. I dreamt I was in heaven, Father said the Catholic boy. It was just wonderful. I dreamt that I was in hell said the protestant boy. And what was that like? said the holy father. Just like this place, couldn't get near the fire for catholics!", -"Yo momma so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help!", -"Yo momma so fat, when she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutes of your show!", -"Yo momma so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet!", -"Yo momma so fat, when she goes swimming she gives the pool stretch marks!", -"Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party!", -"Yo momma so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts!", -"Yo momma so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller!", -"Yo momma so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin!", -"Yo momma so fat, she pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet!", -"Yo momma so fat, she made weight watchers go blind!", -"Yo momma so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!", -"An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, So, what's the catch?", -"Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Ulaiy . After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones.Thomas said the he wasn't going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!, he said enthusiastically. Why are you going to have that? asked his friend. Well, said Thomas, When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see... 'Here Lies The Body of an Honest Lawyer', they'll say Yeah, that's Ulaiy.", -"A middle-aged couple had two beautiful teenage daughters and decided to try one last time for a son. After months, the wife finally got pregnant and after nine months, bore a healthy baby boy. The elated father rushed to the nursery to check on his infant. He was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever saw.He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered. Then he gave her a stern look and asked, Have you been fooling around on me?The wife smiled sweetly, Not this time...", -"A mortician was examining Mr. Zeron's body before sending it to be cremated. He discovered the longest private part he had ever seen on Zeron. He felt it a pity to cremate him with it, so, apologising to the corpse, the mortician used his tools to remove the tremendously huge private part.The mortician stuffed the prize possesion into his briefcase and took it home to show his wife. I have something to show you that you won't believe, he said and opened his briefcase.Upon seeing it, his wife cried, Oh my God! Zeron is dead!", -"A man walks up to a bartender one night and asked for a beer.Certainly, sir. That'd be one cent.The guy was surprised at the incredible price.The guy, unable to believe such prices, looked up the menu and ordered a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg.Certainly, sir. That'd be five cents including the beer.The guy couldn't trust the bartender no more and called for the manager.The manager's upstairs with my wife.The guy curiously asked why he was with his wife.He do my business, I'll do his.", -"In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing lady. Conversation broke out and turned erotic. The lady proposed, If each of you would give me $1, I would show you my legs. The men, charmed by her beauty, handed over the money. The lady pulled her dress up a little to show her legs.She followed, If each of you would give me $10, I would show you my thighs. Driven by lust, the men forked out the money and the lady pulled up her dress more to show her thighs.The men, getting excited, pulled off their coats. The lady then said, If each of you would give me $100, I would show you where I had my appendicitis operated on. The men, being men, naturally surrendered their money for more. The lady turned to the window and pointed at a hospital, There!", -"A woman had an appointment in the morning with her gynecologist and was running late. She hadn't had the time to give herself a proper washup so she took a washcloth and gave herself a wash in 'that area' in front of the sink. She threw the cloth into the wash basket after making sure she was presentable and drove to her appointment.She was silent throughout the checkup and ignored the gynecologist when he said, My... We have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?It was only until after the day was over when her daughter called to ask if she had seen where her washcloth was. The woman told her to get a fresh piece from the cabinet but the daughter said, No, I need that one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it.", -"A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he arrived at classroom, he saw ten rods with platforms with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the angrier he got. Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?! With that, the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so, as the student reached the door the professor called, Hey mister, what's your name?The enraged student turned around, pulled up his pant legs and said, You tell me, buddy. YOU TELL ME!", -"What's the usual tip? a man growled when, Brett, a college boy delivered his pizza. Well, Brett continued, this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great.Is that so? grunted the man. In that case, here's five dollars.Thanks, Brett said, I'll put it in my college fund. By the way, what are you studying? inquired the man. And Brett replied, Applied psychology.", -"A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and not to talk about private matters in public.At first he holds it in because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table, so he turns to the little girl and says, Will you excuse me, I have to go powder my nose. And, saying that, he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom. When he returns, the little girl looks up at him and asks, Did you powder your nose? Yes, said the little boy, stepping back into the sandbox. Well, then, says the little girl, you'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out.", -"A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman. Good day, madam. How may we help you today?Very uncomfortably she asks, Sir, what is the price of this lovely rug? He answers, Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely to shit when you hear the price!", -Q. What animal talks the most? A. The yak., -"How do you keep an idiot in suspense?Keep scrolling down!Not far now!Keep going!Solve this problem while you wait for the answer to pop up.6!Not enough? Solve this!!The answer will pop up shortly...Whoops, there was a mistake. Go back to the 2nd line.", -"Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be. Great! said the first guy, I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery! No problem, replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. And what do you want to be, St. Peter asked the other guy. I'd like to be one cool stud! was the reply. Easy, replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone. After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. You'll find them easily, he says, One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!", -"A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.A $40 speeding ticket was included.Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.", -"A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl said, But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It is physically impossible! she said. Undaunted, the little girl said, Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah. To this, the teacher said, What if Jonah went to hell? The little girl replied, Then YOU ask him!", -"It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!", -"Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.My name is Billy. What's yours? asked the first boy.Tommy, replied the second.My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living? asked Billy. Tommy replied, My Daddy's a lawyer.Honest? asked Billy.No, just the regular kind, replied Tommy.", -Two white horses fell in the mud and three came out., -"You're so dumb, you drowned when you were bathed in sunlight.", -"This young girl about 7 year old had a dog which she took for a walk everyday after school. Well, one day her dog was in heat, so her father told her that she couldn't walk the dog for a week or so because it wasn't feeling well. His daughter became very upset and cried for most of the night.The next day the father came up with a plan. He put some gasoline on the dogs rear end to hide the smell from the male dogs.Well when the girl got home she was happy to find that she could now walk her dog again.About an hour later, the girl returned without the dog.The father asked, What on earth has happened to the dog?The girl replies, Well she ran out of gas a few blocks back, and is being pushed home by another dog.", -"Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare.Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!", -"What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?You may have graduated, but I have several degrees.", -"I see London, I see France, I see your underpants.", -"A little boy and his older sister were building paper airplanes when his sister said, We should stop building planes now and play with the ones we've got. We don't need to waste any more paper.Why?Because if we use too much paper we'll lose all the trees, and everyone will die..Because we don't have any paper?", -"A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.The wife replies, No you should do it, and besides it is in the bible that man should do the coffee.The husband replies, I can't believe that, show me. So she fetched the bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him the top of several pages, that it indeed says........HEBREWS", -Why do gorillas have big nostrils?Because they have big fingers!!!, -What kind of soup weighs 1000 pounds?Won ton soup!, -"A lawyer, a carpenter and an astronaut were having drinks in a bar when suddenly one gets up and hits the other.who hit me?It wasn't me.I didn't see too much either.It must have been the dogWhat dog?I'm blind so I couldn't see a dog.Doh, that means I hit myself.hahahahaha how strange I thought you guys had hit me. Sorry about that.", -"A man drove up to a beautiful lady at a stop light. She was in a nice Porsche. He asks her, Excuse me, miss, you have Grey Poupon?I sure hope not, I just got my car waxed; damn those birds.", -"My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.", -"A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet. ''", -"Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper... It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while!", -"One day a blond from Cali decides to move take a trip to North Carolina to see her brunette friend. Of course, being a blond, she assumes that NC is like a whole different country. When she gets there her friend is driving her back to the house. The blond asks Do those traffic lights mean something different here? and the brunette, playing a prank on the blond, says Yes. When the light it green, all the brunettes go. When the light is yellow, all the red heads go, and when the light is red, all the blonds go. The very next day the blond goes to pick up some groceries for her and her friend. The light turns green. A lot of cars go and the blond is thinking, Well, there sure are a lot of brunettes here. Then the light turns yellow and a few more cars go. She thinks Well, there are a fair amount of red heads. Finally the light turns red and she goes and CRASH!!! She gets into a car accident.The policeman is talking to her and he is about to give her a ticket for running a red light. He says to her Miss, why did you run the red light and she answers What do you expect, I'm a blond!", -"It ain't easy to be a dick;I've got a head I can't think with,An eye I can't see out of.I have to hang around with two nuts all the time.My closest neighbour is a real asshole.My best friend is a pussy.And every time I get excited, I throw up;And worst of all, my owner beats me.", -"Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a tenant for their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in anearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. There's just one problem, explained the model. Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath.That's not a problem, replied Doris. We have a tinbath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water.What about your husband? asked the model.Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings, replied Doris.Good, said the model. Now that that's settled, I'llgo to the studio and see you tonight.That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiledand explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he did not believe her.It's true, I tell you! said Doris. Look, if youdon't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself.The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointedtowards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.Well, do you believe me now? she asked Fred.Yes, he replied. I've never seen anything like itin my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?Just to show you the difference. answered Doris.But I guess you've seen me millions of times.Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dartteam hadn't.", -"Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jewshad to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry fromthe Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He wouldhave a religious debate with a leader of the Jewishcommunity. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jewswould be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, theJews would have to leave. The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe,to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, couldnot speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So itwas decided that this would be a silent debate. On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishesat opposite each other for a full minute before the Poperaised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice ofwine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stoodup and said, I concede the debate. This man has bested me.The Jews can stay. Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking himwhat had happened. The Pope said, First I held up three fingers to representthe Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remindme that there was still one God common to both our religions.Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was allaround us. He responded by pointing to the ground to showthat God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wineand the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. Hepulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had ananswer for everything. What could I do? Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe,asking what happened. Well, said Moishe, first he said tome, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I saidto him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would becleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, theJews ... we stay right here! And then? asked a woman. Who knows? said Rabbi Moishe. We broke for lunch.", -"Late one night in the Washington D.C., a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. Give me your money! he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman! In that case, replied the robber, give me MY money!", -"There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and continues in his direction. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.The car gets really close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him. The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel.The squirrel says to the man says, See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?", -"In a recent survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities they live in are noisier now than they were five years ago. The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.", -"Dear Dad, $chool i$ really $well. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I have $o much $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o if you like, $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love Your $onDear Son,I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmy, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep an hoNOrs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can't study eNOugh. Love, Dad", -Knock Knock!Who's There?Dishwasher.Dishwasher Who?Dishwasher whay I sphoke vhefore I hafe fawse feeth, -"Men are like... Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.Men are like... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.Men are like... Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.Men are like... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at but not so bright.Men are like... Bank accounts, without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.Men are like... High heels, they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.", -Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?MENstruationMENopauseMENtal breakdownGUYnecology HIMmorrhoid , -"A couple were at the beach watching a volleyball game when they notice a pair of adults nearby kissing passionately, the woman running her hands down the man's arms, massaging erotically while nibbling on his ear. The couple was intrigued yet they don't want to miss the exciting match so the girl asked her boyfriend if she should watch the match or them. The guy replied, Watch them. You already know how to play volleyball.", -"An agitated patron calls on to the blond waiter and inquired why there was a footprint on his meal.Well, the innocent-looking blond waiter replied. You rushed in here, ordered an omelette and asked me to step on it.", -"This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:Millennia Year Application Software System .Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.Last week my secretary said to me, I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before. I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, Here, stick this in MYASS.", -"Five toads arrived at the Heaven's Gates. The man in charge asked for each toad's name and what they had been doing. The first gave his name and said he had been going in and out of puddles. The man let him through the gate. He interrogated the next three toads and all three too said they had been going in and out of puddles. Since there was nothing wrong, the man let them all in.Then he reached the last toad. She was a pretty one, in toad's sense, and when asked what her name was, she replied, Puddles.", -"A blond was using a pager for the first time. When the operator instructed her to key in 10 to leave a voice message, she followed and after the beep, said, Excuse me, may I speak to Zeron please?", -"Rich and Kim, a couple, were in a room when Kim asked Rich if he would ever forget her. He replied that he would never forget her. Then she said, Knock-knock! and, of course, Rich said, Who's there? See! she exclaimed sulkily. You have forgotten already.", -"A woman went to shop for a mirror when she chanced upon an expensive one. When she asked why, the salesman told her it was magical, that if you recited a rhyme in front of it, your wishes would come true. The woman bought it and hung it on the door at home.Mirror Mirror on the doorMake my busts a forty-fourThe woman instantly had a huge chest. She told her husband but he was in doubt. He went to the mirror then and said:Mirror Mirror on the doorMake my penis hit the floorHis legs were missing, leaving stumps mid-thigh.", -"A man selling hats went to a jungle for a rest. A monkey came and stole a hat. The man couldn't catch the monkey. He realized the monkey followed the man's actions. He threw the hat to the ground. The monkey threw the hat to the ground. He picked up both hats and went away.The man then had a grandson who followed the family business and sold hats. The grandson went to a jungle to rest while selling hats. A monkey came and stole a hat. The grandson thought of his grandfather's story, and threw the hat on the floor. The monkey ran and picked up the hat. It then slapped the grandson, saying, You think you're the only one having a grandfather?", -"Yo momma's so old, her memories are in black and white!", -"Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, What do you think about all this Satan stuff?The other boy replied, Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad.", -"Yo moma's like a mail box, open all day and all night.", -"A king is sentencing his prisoners. The first person enters and says that he stole a horse. Hang him, the king yells. The second person comes in and says he stole old ladies' purses. You heartless fiend! Shoot him the king growls. The third person comes in and says that he pirated software on the internet and stole billions of dollars from internet companies. Well what the heck are you guys doing just standing there?, he tells his men, Hire him already!", -"One day, a man held a contest. The winner would be who could get the most ping pong balls in one day.The first man comes back with 100.The second man comes back with 110.The third man comes back with a whole ton of bruises. The men ask him why he didn't collect any ping pong balls and why he was bruised. He said,Ping pong balls? I thought he said King Kong's balls!", -"There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, What is three plus four? The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, Seven. The uncle said, Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets. So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, What is five plus five? The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boysaid, Eleven.", -"A redneck couple had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, the man took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.The woman said to the bellman, We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.But, madam, replied the bellman.Don't 'But madam' me, she continued. You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager.Madam, the bellman said, this isn't your room; this is the elevator!", -"Little Johnny got on a bus and sat down next to a man. He noticed that the man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked him, Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?The man smiled kindly and answered, I wear this collar because I am a father.Little Johnny thought a second and responded, Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?The priest thought for a minute, and said, I am the Father for many.Little Johnny quickly answered, My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?The priest, flustered, said impatiently, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people.Little Johnny sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards.", -"A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.When she awakens, several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children. The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is How are my children? Fine says the doctor, your brother named them. She thinks to herself, Oh no, my brother's an idiot.What did he name them? she asks the doctor.He named the girl Denise said the doctor.Well, maybe I misjudged my brother, Denise isn't such a bad name, she realizes. What did he name the boy?Replies the doctor Denephew.", -"After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.Thank heavens, his date replied. If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!", -"God says the world is going to end, so he chooses three famous people to tell everyone. So, George Bush, Bill Gates, and Saddam Hussein come to see, him. God tells them that the world is going to end and tells them to tell their people. George Bush goes live on CNN and tells America, Folks, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you were right all along, there is a God. The bad news is that he is ending the world. Saddam goes to tell all of his people of his encounter, My people, I have some bad news and some worse news, the bad news is that those damn Americans were right all along, there is a God. The worse news is that he is ending the world. Then Bill Gates writes an e-mail to all of his friends and employees, Hi people, Iv'e got some great news and even better news. The great news is that God thinks I am one of the most famous people on earth. The even better news is that we don't have to upgrade from Windows XP.", -Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas?A. He felt his presence!, -Q. How did the blond injure herself raking leaves?A. She fell out of the tree!, -Q. What did Stevie Wonder say about the cheese grater he got for Christmas?A. It was the scariest book he had ever read!, -"An American. an Englishman and a Chinese man were all taking part in a quiz contest. One question asked them was to fill in a blank in a song title and then spell the word. The song title was 'Old Macdonald had a ----'.The American was first to answer - he said 'ranch', spelt R-A-N-C-H.Wrong said the quiz master.The Englishman answered next - he said 'estate', spelt E-S-T-A-T-E.Wrong said the quiz master.Then the Chinese man answered - he said 'farm'.Please spell it said the quiz master.E - I - E - I - O", -"As part of his plan to let the Yanks know that he is not only still alive but ready to kick ass, Saddam sent a letter to George W Bush. The letter was immediately recognised as from the former dictator of Iraq and was detoxified and checked for explosives before being opened. In it was a single sheet of paper with the characters:-370HSSV 0773HThe president couldn't work out what this meant, so he had an aide type a copy and sent it to that very smart man, Donald Rumsfeld. The Secretary of Defence and his aides studied it for a week, using the most powerful code cracking computers the NSA could come up with, and were still stumped .They sent it to Langley, where the CIA similarly had no luck. The FBI did no better. In desperation they even tried the British - no joy there - and MIT. Nobody could make any sense of the message.Eventually, they called in the Mossad, Israel's secret service. They looked at it for a few seconds and e-mailed back to Washington, Tell the President he's holding the paper upside down.", -"If you were any more pointless, you would be a circle.", -If your IQ was any lower you would trip on it., -Yo momma is so fat when she sits down in class she sits by everyone., -Yo momma is so fat when I put her on the family tree the branch broke., -Yo momma is so fat her belt size is the equator., -A woman went to a wishing well and wished that she could become a better driver. So she turned into a man., -"Did you hear about the blond who tried to hijack a submarine?She demanded $100,000 and a parachute.", -"You know something is wrong with today's educational system when you figure out that of the three R's, reading, writing, and arithmetic, only one actually starts with an R.", -"It's chilly in here, the wealthy customer sniffed. Will you please turn down the air conditioner?No problem sir, said the waiter.After a few minutes, the man flagged the server again. Now I'm too warm.All right, said the waiter. But soon the customer was chilly again.Finally a patron at a nearby table whispered to the waiter, I commend you for your patience. That guy is certainly keeping you busy.No he's not, the waiter said with a shrug. We don't even have an air conditioner.", -"These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool, and all the kids go in. As they're changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, Did you notice how small the rich kid's penises were? Yeah, says his mate, It's probably because they've got toys to play with.", -"Bill pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man! What makes you say that? the bartender inquired. Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, `My old man's home! My old man's home!'", -What do Michael Jackson and plastic bags have in common? They are both made out of plastic and are dangerous for children to play with., -"There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, Wow, these seats are big! The person next to him answered, Everything is big in Texas. When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, Wow these mugs are big! The bartender replied, Everything is big in Texas. After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, Second door to the right. The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, Don't flush, don't flush!", -"How many cartoon characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?nine - three to find a light bulb, three to figure out how to remove the old one, three to screw it in, and all of them to complicate it!", -"How do you know, your computer hates you?When it grows and pop ups.", -How do you know that you're a computer geek?You catch a computer virus and take a virus scanning pill every week., -What exactly does the government do?They seem to complicate all the simple things while trying to do the opposite., -"Once upon a time, there was an elderly couple. Next door, there lived a Peeping Tom. One day, the couple received a phone call. The woman said, Fred! Peeping Tom tells us to shut the blinds or he'll call the police!", -"One day my wife was changing my daughter's diaper, and my 3 year old son walked in and saw her and asked, Mommy, where is her thingy?I almost had a heart attack, laughing so hard that day.", -How many worms does it take to screw in a light bulb?What kind of an idiot thinks worms can screw in light bulbs?!, -You know that you're a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back., -"A man walked into the ladies department of a store and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. What type of bra? asked the clerk. Type? inquires the man, There is more than one type? Look around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer? Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, It is all really quite simple... The Catholic typesupports the masses. The Salvation Armytype lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian typekeeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makesmountains out of mole hills.", -"Said the pig to his pop, There's the candy shop. Oh, please Let's go inside. And I promise I won't make a kid of myself if you give me a people-back ride.", -The idiots we have today.They're so stupid they make turkeys seem smart.They even make sponges seem smarter., -"There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying.No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.", -"A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, You look terrible. What's the problem? My mother died in August, he said, and left me $25,000. Gee, that's tough, he replied. Then in September, the friend continued, My father died, leaving me $90,000. Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed. And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000. Three close family members lost in three months? How sad. Then this month, continued, the friend, absolutely nothing!", -"A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for sometime at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her. Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk! she screamed. Funny, he muttered, you even sound exactly like her.", -All of the following town names are REAL:Long Dong Blowhard Pickles Gap Petting Mount Mee Titting Lickdale Yocumtown Fugit Assinippi Big Cockup and Little Cockup Cocktown Sally's Gap Dick Johnson Beaver Bottom Black Butte Sandy Balls Tilicum Cockburn Bangor Dyckesville Ballville Prickwillow Black Charlie's Opening Kinmount Euren Cockland Assville Spuzzum Bloody Dick Shafter Beaver Mt. Buggery Handcock Town Shitlingthorpe Bastard Sackville Twatt Muff Licking Valley , -"There were three monks and a lady arguing about something that the lady was sure she was correct in, but could not convince the monks otherwise. She then prayed to God and asked for a sign. Lightning hit and she said, Is that enough proof for you? They replied that lightning strikes all the time and is a natural occurrence. She asked for another sign, and lightning struck a nearby tree; again, they denounced her, saying that it was a natural occurrence. She asked again and a voice rumbled from the sky saying, SHEEEEE'S RIIIIGHTTTT!She then thought she had beaten them, when one of them said, Well, it's still three to two.", -"A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry. The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry. She immediately replies, The red-head in the middle. Stunned, the young man says, That's amazing, Mom. You're right. How did you know?I don't like her, she says.", -"A golfer was having a round of golf with the local vicar. The golfer took his birdie put, but then a gust of wind blew the ball just wide of the hole. The golfer, being very bad tempered, then exclaimed Damn - missed the bugger!.The vicar said to the man Please do not use foul language again.They moved onto the next hole and exactly the same thing happened - a gust of wind blew the ball just wide. Once again the golfer shouted Damn - missed the bugger!This annoyed the vicar, so he turned to the man and said Please do not use bad language again, or the heavens shall open and God will strike you down with a bolt of lightning!But once again, on the next hole a gust of wind blew the ball just wide, and the golfer screamed Damn - missed the bugger!As soon as he said this the heavens opened and a lightning bolt shot down and struck the vicar. Then God's voice boomed Damn - missed the bugger!", -"A tourist to New York City, Bob, was marveling at the Poe opera house. As a man passed by Bob asked Was this building named for the great author and poet Edgar Allen Poe?No, replied the man, the building was named for James Poe.What did he write? asked Bob.Said the man, A check.", -"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.", -"An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, What are you doing naked? The daughter responds, This is the dress of love. When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, What are you doing naked? She responds, This is the dress of love. Well, he says to her, go iron it.", -"A young man entered a bar, walked to the counter and told the barman,May I have a question, sir? I heard that a drink of beer will bring you the courage to do something terrible that you hate to do? Is that right, sir?Yes, I guess so, the barman answered with a smile.How much beer then?It depends. Why don't you try and find out?OK, then give me a glass of beer please.Sitting in the corner, the young man kept asking for more beer. After the fifth glass, the barman looked at the man with a wink, Well, how do you feel? Am I right?Uh yes, I feel the courage growing in me, but not enough, and then he ordered another drink.Three more glasses and then the man stood up, saying to the barman with a very strong voice, All right, thank you for the beer, sir. I'll stop here. I think I'll make it now!This time the barman could not overcome his curiosity. Yes, I can tell that from your face, he said, but may I ask what is that thing that you hate to do so much, man?The young man said, Just telling somebody that I have no money in my pocket, sir he answered wryly.", -"Halfway along a commercial flight, a stewardess spoke out to the surprised passengers,Ladies and gentlemen! We have the honor to announce that you happen to be aboard the 10,001st flight of Good Grace Airlines! To celebrate this historic event, we are glad to give each of you a special valuable gift.The passengers immediately broke into a cheerful applause, congratulating each other on the sudden luck they had. Then one man said aloud,This is really exciting! But why didn't you choose the 10,000th flight? I suppose it's a better number for a celebration.Certainly we did, replied the stewardess, but unfortunately, because that flight crashed, we decided to shift the celebration.", -"A kid was sitting on his lawn with a litter of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. He kindly asked the boy what kind of puppies they were. The little boy said, Republicans. The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, Atta boy! A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, Hi little boy, what kind of puppies are those?The boy said, Democrats. Bush was shocked and crushed. What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans! The boy answered, Well, then the puppies opened their eyes.", -"A helicopter was flying in Seattle when suddenly an electrical malfunction disabled all electronic navigation and communication equipment.Due to the amount of fog, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. He spotted a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said WHERE AM I? in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER. The pilot thanked them by smiling and waving, determined the route to SEATAC airport and landed safely. When they were finally on the ground, his co-pilot asked him how he'd done it. I knew it had to be the Microsoft building, because they gave me a technically correct but utterly and completely useless answer.", -Fill in the blank to this odd analogy.Quiz is to quizzical as test is to _______, -"Yo momma's so fat, she shows up on radar.", -"Ladies and gentlemen,This five-letter-word little thing belongs to men, and no women. Some men have long ones, others shorter. It's straight in some men, and crooked in others. It may turn soft or hard in just a matter of seconds. Useless to some, it boasts manhood for others. Children wonder about it, young men are proud of it, while old men see their age in it. And whatever it is, some women love it, while others are afraid of it.What is that darn thing anyway?Scroll down for ANSWER--------------beard, of course! what else? ;-)", -1.Your richest relative buys an expensive house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.2.You refer to the sixth grade as graduation.3.Your wife's new hairdo gets destroyed by the ceiling fan.4.Your front porch collapses and hurts more than three dogs., -"An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, 7 points! His wife looked at him and said, What the hell are you doing? He simply replied, Just playing bed football. Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, Tie game - 7,7. The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, Now what's the score? He said, Still 7,7. End of quarter; switch sides!", -From an interview with a millionaire:What is your secret to making money?Quite simple. Before entering business I observed that most of the sales profits are generally lost in the handling of complaints and refunds. So I made my decision to try to eliminate these expenses.I can say that's quite a big task!Not for me. I simply started selling parachutes., -"May I have your name, please?My name's Myne.What?My name is Myne.Uh... I know your name is yours but...Wait, who told you my name is Yores?What? I think I said your name is yours...You think you know my name better than me?Oh, no, of course, that's why I said your name is yours...Hey, listen, now I'm telling you, my name is not Yores...Sure, that's just what I said!OK, then forget it, now you got my name?Sorry no, what's your name again please?My name is Myne.Yes, yours, I know...Not Yores, Myne. Myne, did you hear?Yes, I do, I know that. But does that mean you won't tell your name?What? And you said you heard it right! I already told you.Then why are you always saying your name is yours?What the hell happens to you? Listen carefully, I'm telling you the last time, I promise. My name is not Yores, it's Myne.Come on, did I ever deny that? Your name oughta be yours, it can't be mine...Hey, sorry, I'm afraid I'll have to find another hotel. Bye!", -"Once a blond police officer stopped a man and asked for his driving license.She saw it and told the man it says here that you must wear glassesThe man said I have contactsThe blond said I don't care who you know, you are still getting a traffic ticket", -"George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.When the stamps were released, Bush heard complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and he become furious.He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush.He said, Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!", -"Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,Happy Birthday, and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any, Happy Birthday. I thought, Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, Good morning boss, Happy Birthday, and I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon, when Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.I said, By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go. We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not.She said, Let's go to my apartment. After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday and there on the couch I sat, naked.", -"A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, Have you done your chores yet? No, replies the boy, but could I have breakfast first? You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs. The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. Next, he walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig. Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage? Well, says his mother, I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage. Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, Should I tell him now, or do you want to?", -"A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20 pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania. The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania. At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, instead the man was singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton.When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, Cold day in hell - the Eagles must have won the Super Bowl!", -"It was opening night at the theatre and people came from miles around to see the the very famous hypnotist do his stuff.As the hypnotist took to the stage, he announced, Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.The people had heard of the famous magic of the hypnotist, so the excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.Shit said the hypnotist.It took three weeks to clean up the theater.", -"1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on. 3. Aren't you the guy from the village people? 4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me. 5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop. 6. Bad cop! No donut! 7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you? 8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school. 9. I pay your salary. 10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also. 11. Is that a 9 mm? It's nothing compared to this 44 magnum! 12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist. 13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does. 14. By the looks of that gut, I bet I can outrun you. 15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops? 16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? 17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around; that's how far they are ahead of me. 18. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.", -"At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. Just to establish some parameters, said the professor to the student from Arkansas, what is the opposite of joy? Sadness, said the student. And the opposite of depression? he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. Elation, she said. And you sir, he said to the young man from Texas, what about the opposite of woe? The Texan replied, Sir, I believe that would be'giddy up' .", -"Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, My dad can blow smoke rings. The second boy said, My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose. The third boy said, Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt. The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, Have you seen him do it? No, said the third boy, but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear.", -"Steve was in a terrible accident at work; however, the only permanent damage done to him was that both of his ears were amputated. Because he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing computer business, and, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, Do you notice anything different about me? The gentleman answered, Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears. Steve got very angry and threw him out.The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, Do you notice anything different about me? She replied, Well... you have no ears. Steve again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart, he was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question, Do you notice anything different about me? To his surprise, the young man answered, Yes. You wear contact lenses. Steve was shocked, and said, What an incredibly observant young man you are. How in the world did you know that?The young man replied, Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!", -"A guy eats at a restaurant.At the end of the meal, the guy looks at the check:Salads . . . . . . $3Steak . . . . . . $10Works . . . . . . .$5Cola . . . . . . . $2-----------------------Total $20The customer asked the waiter What's 'works'?This time it didn't work said the waiter and crossed out that row.", -"Little Johnny kept spelling the word went wrong, instead he spelt whent. His teacher, who was very fusterated, decided to keep him after class to spell went 100 times. The next day she comes into the classroom, thinking he learned his lesson, and sees the whole board is full of the word went. But at the end... I wrote went 50 times, then I ran out of space, so I whent home", -10 sentences teachers say 1. This book is very commonly used2. It's important to understand what the material means in general3. Some might say...4. The answer to that question is not in the syllabus5. We'll discuss that question next week6. I'll let you search in the dictionary and find out7. Some of you could have succeeded more in the test8. Are there any questions about the material we learned last lesson?9. Today we'll split up into small studying groups10. The homework is due on Monday, -"A blond and a brunette were opening their paychecks when the blond asked the brunette what she was going to buy. The brunette replied, I think I'll buy a new set of plates because mine are chipped. What are you going to buy? The blond said, I think I'm gonna buy a new butt, because my old one has an enormous crack in it.", -"Fred and his brother, Donkey walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey. The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness. Donkey walks up to the bar and says, 2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please. While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname. Donkey replies, I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me 'Donkey.'", -"A Chinese couple got married and were now known as Mr. Wong and Mrs. Wong. However, they didn't know why, but they couldn't have white children. So they went to the doctor to find out what the problem was, and they told him the story and the doctor replied, Didn't you know? Two Wongs don't make a white!", -"How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb???None, they will just have there robot do it.", -"One day Bob went to Sally . Bob told her, Sal, Jack wants you.She replied, I know.They stand in silence for a while.Bob finally said, I mean he needs your help.Oh.", -Girls are in the shower for at least an hour.Incredibly guys can take a shower in 5 minutes.Very beautiful girls are seldom intelligent.Even blond guys have some brains.Married women marry hoping their guy will change.Every man marries hoping their wife wont change.Pretty girls can usually get what they want.Unlike good looking guys who still have to suffer.Some girls are actually great relationship material.Some guys cant find those girls., -"Remember, whenever someone says that you're nobody, remember nobody's perfect.", -"FINEThis is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use fine to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.FIVE MINUTESThis is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.NOTHINGThis means something, and you should be on your toes. Nothing is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. Nothing usually signifies an argument that will last Five Minutes and end with FineGO AHEAD This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing and will end with the word FineGO AHEAD This means I give up or do what you want because I don't care You will get a Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing and Fine and she will talk to you in about Five Minutes when she cools off.LOUD SIGHThis is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over NothingSOFT SIGHAgain, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. Soft Sighs mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.THAT'S OKAYThis is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. That's Okay means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. That's Okay is often used with the word Fine and in conjunction with a Raised Eyebrow.GO AHEAD!At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.PLEASE DOThis is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a That's Okay.THANKSA woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.THANKS A LOTThis is much different from Thanks. A woman will say, Thanks A Lot when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the Loud Sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh, as she will only tell you Nothing.Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!", -What haunts the closets of a haunted house?The SOULS of shoes!What's a ghosts favourite dessert?I-scream!What was the ghosts favorite baseball team?The BOO Jays! What room is a ghost not allowed to go inside?The Living room Why didn't the vampire have fun on his vacation?He SUCKED all the fun out of it!If a snow man and a vampire got married and they had a baby what would the baby be?A Snowvam!Where do monsters love to visit in New York?The Vampire State Building. Why did the vampire's friend break up with him?Because he was a pain in the neck! Why do witches use brooms to fly on? Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!What kind of street do zombies like best? Dead ends! What is a vampire's favourite mode of transportation?A blood vessel!, -What did the mother match say to the baby match?Don't scratch your head., -"One day a cat comes walking by meowing, I can't do anything right. So he keeps on pouting and somebody comes up to him and says, Why are you crying? Because I can't do anything right. So the guy helps the cat and a day later the cat could do anything right so he goes to the litter box and misses the box by an inch.", -Why did the teenager cross the road?Because his parents told him not to., -"Dear Sir,I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put poor planning as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.Securing the rope to the ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. I slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.", -"Little johnny was going to school.Incredibly he found a genie and was given 3 wishes.Can I have a piece of candy? he said.Kid, I am a powerful genie ask for something else.Mmmm, ok, give me 2 pieces of candy.You think I have time for such small wishes? Don't ask for something so small.I want candy. Ok kid here you go; infinite candy.Cool, thank you. Ok whats your second wish? Kid, i don't have all day. But I still have 3 wishes..", -"A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.", -What does the government have but never uses to make life simple?Their power!, -"A man was at a bar about to drink his drink. Then, a tough looking biker came and just drank the first man's drink. The first man said Why did you do that? I have been having a horrible day. First, I wake up, am late for work, and get fired. Then, I come home to find my wife cheating, I get kicked out of the house, and I get beat up by a bunch of thugs. Finally, I was about to end it all by drinking that cup of poison that you drank!", -Yo momma so fat that every time she turned around it was her birthday., -"1. It is the new hip thing to rot your teeth.2. They are highly non-nutritous.3. In case of weak teeth, just bite into the hard candy.4. For absolutely no good reason.5. Makes you sick so that you do not have to go to school.6. To get hyperactive so that you are not sleepy when you get out of bed.7. Because the candy is saying, Eat me!!!8. Because your tummy is growling and you think it is annoying.9. In case you got an urge to suck on something.10. Because the noises that the candy makes when it bangs against your teeth makes a relaxing sound for the mind.", -"A man is driving down the road when he spots 2 priests on the side nailing signs into the ground. The first sign says, The End is Near!! The man turns to look at the other mans sign and it reads, Turn back while you still can! The man then sticks his head out his car window and yells, Leave everyone alone, you religious nutcases! as he drives by. A few seconds later the two priests hear a splash. The first priest turns to the second and says, Maybe we should just put up a 'Bridge Out' sign.", -You are so ugly your mum has to feed you with a slingshot, -Which came first - the chicken or the egg?It depends on who got laid first!, -"The day after losing his wife in a diving accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.Tell me! Did you find her? the man cried.The troopers looked at each other. One said, We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?Fearing the worse, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, Give me the bad news first.The trooper said, I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.Oh no! said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Swallowing hard, he asked, What's the good news?The trooper continued. When we pulled her up she had two five-pound King crabs and a half-dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her.Stunned, Mr.Wilkens demanded, If that's the good news, then what's the great news?The trooper said, We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.", -"An elevator operator complained that he was getting tired of people asking him for the time.A friend suggested that he hang a clock in his elevator.A few weeks later, the friend inquired as to how things were going.Just awful! declared the elevator operator.NOW, all day long, people ask me, Is the clock right? exclaimed the elevator operator.", -"On Halloween, a taxi-driver saw a nun standing at the side of the road. He pulled over, and asked if he could help her. The nun said she needed to get to the mission. The taxi-driver said I'll give you a ride for free tonight, because you don't know what kind of crazy people are running around. The nun agreed, thanked him, and they drove off. When they were about half-way there, the taxi-driver said to the nun You know sister, I've always had this fanasy about being kissed by a nun. The nun said Well, you've been so kind to me, I could do that, but only on three conditions. You have to be Catholic, single, and it can't be in public. The taxi-driver thought about this for a minute, then asked if an alley would work. The nun said that would be fine, so he pulled into the nearest alley. The nun crawled into the front seat and gave him a long, passionate kiss. After this, the taxi-driver smiled and drove on. A few minutes later, his smile turned to a frown, and he said I have a confession sister. I'm really Jewish and I'm married. The nun looked at him and said That's okay. I'm Kevin, and I'm on my way to a costume party.", -"A man decided he wanted a divorce from his wife of 30 years. After the divorce, they went their separate ways and never saw each other again. A number of years later, the woman died. When she was standing at St. Peter's Gate, he asked her How was your life? She replied It was horrible. My husband of 30 years wanted a divorce, and he took everything. I was really depressed, and I died alone in a car crash. St. Peter responded, To get into heaven, you have to spell one word. Okay, what's the word? Love The woman smiled and said L-O-V-E Very good. Welcome to heaven! A few months later, St. Peter approached the woman, and asked her if she could watch the gate for a few hours. The woman responded Sure, No problem. While she was watching the gate, she saw her ex-husband approaching. The woman asked him How has your life gone? The man smiled and responded, Well, after our divorce, I was successful in the stock market, become a millionaire, then retired early. I married a 21 year old underwear model. We had the best life, and I died in my sleep on our private beach in Hawaii. The woman smiled faintly, and said that's nice. The man said What do I have to do to get into heaven? Well, you have to spell one word. Okay, what's the word? The woman grinned, and said Czechoslovakia", -"When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. Guess what, sir? the clerk said. I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long! Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?! the manager asked. That's the one! That's great! the manager cried, I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged? Oh, the clerk replied, after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.", -"Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, What is your IQ? to which the man answers 241. That is wonderful!, says Albert. We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, What is your IQ? To which the lady answers, 144. That is great!, responds Albert. We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!Albert goes to another person and asks, What is your IQ? to which the man answers, 51. Albert responds, How 'bout them Cowboys?", -"There was a young hooker named Gailwhose price was tattooed on her tail.And on her behind,for the sake of the blind,was the same information in Braille.", -"One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Wilson, waiting for help to come.Mrs. Wilson noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in again, over and over.Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?Mrs. Boudreaux said, Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!", -"How many ears did Davy Crockett have?3 - His right ear, his left ear, and his wild front-ear.", -"Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, Are you ready to order, sir? Clinton replies, Yes, I'd like a quickie. A quickie?! the waitress replies with disgust. Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't believe that's a good idea. I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU. She walks away. Al Gore leans over to Clinton and says, Sir, it's pronounced 'Quiche'", -"You've all heard of TGIF - Thank God It's Friday, right?Well my Secretary refers to Friday as POETS day...Piss Off Early, Tomorrow's Saturday....!!!", -"Bud Nelson, from New York, flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with an assortment of Human Skulls. What are you doing? asked the American. Oh, I'm selling skulls, replied the Irishman. And what skulls do you have? said Bud. Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!! said the Irishman. That's great! said Bud. Give me some names! Well! said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...God bless his soul.. Sorry said Bud, But did you say St. Patrick? That's correct! said the Irishman. I have to have that! said Bud and paid him $1,650.00 in cash. Bud flew back to New York and mounted St. Patricks skull on the wall in his pub. People came from all over America to view this famous skull. He made a fortune over a five year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune. Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs. Goodness, said Bud, What are you doing? Oh, I'm selling skulls, replied the Irishman. And what skulls do you have today? said Bud. Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!! said the Irishman. That's great! said Bud. Give me some names! Well! said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. That one thereis James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint ofIreland...God bless his soul.. Sorry said Bud, But did you say St. Patrick? That's Correct! said the Irishman. Well!, said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick. Oh yes! said the Irishman, I remember you now!...you see... This is St. Patrick when he was a Boy!!", -"Here is a short story to show you that the stodgy air traffic controllers and the flyers they serve can have a sense of humor:The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty . The pilot of the 727 complained, Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?Without missing a beat the controller replied, Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!", -"Bill Hillary Clinton were sleeping at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. Bill, Bill wake up. Bill continues sleeping. Hillary shouts, Bill, Bill wake up. Bill finally wakes up and says, What do you want? Hillary responds, I have to go use the bathroom. Bill says, Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom. Hillary says, No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot.", -Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law., -"An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She said to the artist, Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch and Rolex watch. But you aren't wearing any of those things, said the artist. I know, she said. It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.", -"1. AQUADEXTROUS adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.2. CARPERPETUATION n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.3. DISCONFECT v. To sterilize the piece of confection you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.4. ELBONICS n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.5. FRUST n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.6. LACTOMANGULATION n. Manhandling the open here spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.7. PEPPIER n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.8. PHONESIA n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.9. PUPKUS n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.10. TELECRASTINATION n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.", -"Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, How soon do you need to know?", -"Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear? Mabel answered, I have? A suppository? She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.", -"While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of first year medical students.As you can see, she says, the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?Well, ponders the student, I suppose I'd limp too.", -"Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.Yes, said the policeman. The detectives want him very badly.So Little Johnny asked, Then why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?", -"Zack and his mule were walking down the road when one of Zack's friends drove up and offered him a ride to town. Zack got into the truck while his mule ran along behind. The mule was right in back of them as they reached 55, and stayed with them as they sped up to 70.I'm worried about your mule, said the driver, his tongue's hanging out.Which way? asked Zack.Left, his friend said.Well, stay in this lane - he's about to pass. shouted Zack.", -"Things some people learn as they mature.I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jerks.I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion - not proof - to destroy it.I've learned that, without a good mind, you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -they are more screwed up than you think.I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there hadbetter be a lot of money to take its place.I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will.I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.I've learned to say F--- 'em if they can't take a joke in 6 languages!", -"My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was properly equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facitilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word toilet in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up the the old-fashioned term bathroom commode. But after she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again and re-wrote the entire letter. This time, she referred to the bathroom commode as merely B.C. Does the campground have its own B.C.? she wrote.The campground owner wasn't old-fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. The business about B.C. stumped him. After much thought and deliberation, he showed the letter to other campers to get their opinions, but they didn't know either. The campground owner finally decided that the woman was asking about the location of the Baptist Church, and sat down and wrote this reply:Dear Madam:I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.The last time my wife and I went was 6 years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is through no lack of desire on my end. As we grow older, it seems to take more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.Remember, this is a very friendly community.Best Regards, The Campgound Owner", -"Before - You take my breath away.After - I feel like I'm suffocating.Before - Twice a night.After - Twice a month.Before - She loves the way I take control of a situation.After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.Before - Ricky Lucy.After - Fred Ethel.Before - Saturday Night Live.After - Monday Night Football.Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...Before - Don't Stop.After - Don't Start.Before - The Sound of Music.After - The Sound of Silence.Before - Is that all you are eating?After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.Before - Wheel of Fortune.After - Jeopardy.Before - It's like living a dream.After - It's a nightmare.Before - $60/dozen.After - $1.50/stem.Before - Turbocharged.After - Needs a jump-startBefore - We agree on everything!After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?Before - Victoria's Secret.After - Fruit of the Loom.Before - Feathers handcuffs.After - Ball and chain.Before - Idol.After - Idle.Before - He's lost without me.After - Why can't he ask for directions?Before - When together, time stands still.After - This relationship is going nowhere.Before - Croissant and cappuccino.After - Bagels and instant coffee.Before - Oysters.After - Fishsticks.Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?Before - Romeo and Juliet.After - Bill and Hillary.", -"A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.The doctor thought for a moment and said, Yes, there's a nasty bug going around.", -"Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.", -"Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expressionRESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID:Honk if you're ScottishHARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?:Can you drive a French motorcycle?VENI, VIPI, VICI:I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.COGITO EGGO SUM:I think; therefore I am a waffle.RIGOR MORRIS:The cat is dead. QUE SERA SERF:Life is feudal.LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI:The king is dead. No kidding.POSH MORTEM:Death styles of the rich and famous.PRO BOZO PUBLICO:Support your local clown.MONAGE A TROIS:I am three years old.HASTE CUISINE:Fast French food.QUIP PRO QUO:A fast retort.ALOHA OY:Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know.MAZEL TON:Tons of luck.VISA LA FRANCE:Don't leave your chateau without it.CARNE DIEM:Seize the meat", -"Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message He's lying was placed in the copier, and the police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the lie detector was working, the suspect confessed.", -"There's a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A friend approaches him and asks, Why the long face, Ralph? Oh, I'm just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and there's just nothing left to challenge me. His friend says, No, you can't know everyone. Do you know Paul McCartney? He says, Sure, Paul's an old friend of mine. Here, I'll show you. He goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears a British accent, Hey Ralph, how ya doing? He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure that it was Paul McCartney on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the president. Ralph says, Sure, we go way back. This time he lets him listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like the president on the other end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the conversation to a close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up. His friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. Well, there must be someone that you don't know. He goes over a few more people in his mind, and thinks, 'He can't possibly know the Pope. After all, he's a Protestant.' But Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise, his friend decides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get positive proof of Ralph's conviction. So they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out in the Papal square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. He's standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph. Ralph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs down to see what can be done for him. What happened to you? Couldn't you accept the fact that I really do know the Pope? No, I'd begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath away was some stranger standing next to me who said, 'Who's that guy standing there with Ralph?'", -"An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air; then it opened its mouth to swallow both.As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, Oh, my God! Help me!At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, I thought you didn't believe in Me!Come on God, give me a break!! the man pleaded. two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!", -"A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion.The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but...The priest interjected, Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice.The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, Better than pork, isn't it?", -"What a woman says:This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothesto wear if we don't do laundry right now!What a man hears:blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON, blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND Iblah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR blah,blah,blah,blah,NO CLOTHES blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!", -"In pharmacology, all drugs have generic names:Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, so on.The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra andannounced today that they have settled on mycoxafailin.Also considered were mycoxafloppin, mydixadrupin and mydixarizin.", -"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven? I asked the children in my Sunday school class. NO! the children all answered. If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven? Again, the answer was, NO! Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven? Again, they all answered, NO! Well, I continued, then how can I get into Heaven? A five-year-old boy shouted out, YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!", -"If the entire world was a stage and God was the director, what we need is a rehearsal.", -"A visitor from Pakistan was strolling in a park in New Delhi, India, enjoying the greenery and flowers. He needed to empty his bladder badly, but couldn't find a urinal anywhere. He couldn't hold out any longer, and went behind a large bush. Just as he was undoing his fly buttons a policeman caught him. What do you think you are doing? asked the constable.I want to pee, replied the visitor. I am from Pakistan and I don't know where to go. Please help me out.The constable ordered, OK, follow me. I'll show you a place with more greenery, flowers and bushes than this park. You can pee there as much as you like. He took the Pakistani to a greener and more beautiful garden where he emptied his bladder.The Pakistani emptied his bladder, thanked the policeman and asked Whose garden is this, it is so beautiful?The constable replied, This is the garden of the Pakistani High Commission.", -"A man was sitting in a bar, nursing a beer and looking extremely dejected. The sympathetic bartender said, Man, you look real down. Wanna talk about it? Sometimes it helps.Well, I doubt it, replied the man. You see, I'm a composer who hasn't had much luck. It seems the world is really against me. Recently I wrote the best song I've ever written, but I can't get any music publishers interested, and I've been to them all.The bartender suggested, Well let's hear it. Try it out on the crowd.The man moves to the bar piano and proceeds to play a tune so incredibly melodious, so ethereal, that the bar turns dead quiet except for the music. Everyone is totally entranced. Goose bumps appear all over the audience and lumps rise in throats, as the music penetrates the very soul of all those present.When he finishes playing, all is silent for a few minutes, then the bartender remarked, I can't believe you can't get that published! That has to be the most beautiful piece of music I've ever heard. What's it called, anyway?I call it 'I Love You So Much That I Just Know You'll Cheat On Me, You Witch!' the musician replied.", -"Bread Is Dangerous1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread consuming households score below average on standardized tests.3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.6. Bread is often a gateway food item, leading the user to harder items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey , bread-pudding person.8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.", -"A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day! What do you think it means?With certainty in his voice, the man said, You'll know tonight.That evening, the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled, The Meaning of Dreams.", -"Why are married women heavier than single women?Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.", -"Billy asked his mother, Can I go over to Little Johnny's house and watch the magic show?Billy's mother replied, Whatever do you mean, dear?He answered, The one Johnny's mom performs. I heard her tell Miss Figpot that she got $600 for doing six tricks last night. That must be some kind of show!", -"DOCTORS WERE TOLD TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE CONSTRUCTION OF A NEW HOSPITAL WING AT THE HOSPITAL. WHAT WAS THEIR REACTION? The allergists voted to scratch it. The dermatologists preferred no rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it. The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve. The obstreticians stated they were laboring under a misconception. The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. The orthopedists issued a joint resolution. The pathologists yelled, over my dead body! The pediatricians said, grow up. The proctologists said, We are in arrears. The psychiatrists thought it was madness. The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The radiologists could see right through it. The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow. The plastic surgeons said, This puts a whole new face on the matter. The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward. The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.", -"Bounty - The Quicker Picker-UpperChevy Truck - Like A RockEnergizer - It Keepsa Going And GoingKFC - Finger Lickin' GoodMcDonals - We Love To See You SmileMM's - It Melts In Your Mouth, Not In Your HandsNike - Just Do ItPringles - Once You Pop, You Can't Stop", -"Little Johnny was giving confession, and he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. Is this a sin, Father? he asked. The priest nodded and said, Yes, Little Johnny, indeed, it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have.", -Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake The Exorcist? The new movie is about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son., -"During the church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big boob. The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, That's okay. We like big boobs.", -"An adult is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.A topologist is a someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a brief.A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.", -"If two black cats walk by each other, then do they both get bad luck?Does the more disgusting foods mean that they are healthier?When you get your first pair of scissors you need a pair of scissors to open the pair of scissors that you just got. So how are you going to get it open?", -"According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.", -"For all you engineers who have difficulty converting units .... 1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? Eskimo Pi 2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won ton 3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? 1 microscope 4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? 1 bananosecond 5. Weight an evangelist carries with God? 1 billigram 6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? Knotfurlong 7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? 1 Rod Serling 8. Half of a large intestine? 1 semicolon 9. 1,000,000 aches? 1 megahurtz 10. Basic unit of laryngitis? 1 hoarsepower 11. Shortest distance between two jokes? A straight line 12. 453.6 graham crackers? 1 pound cake 13. 1 million-million microphones? 1 megaphone 14. 2 million bicycles? 2 megacycles 15. 365.25 days? 1 unicycle 16. 2000 mockingbirds? 2 kilomockingbirds 17. 52 cards? 1 decacards 18. 1 kilogram of falling figs? 1 Fig Newton 19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks? 1 literhosen 20. 1 millionth of a fish? 1 microfiche 21. 1 trillion pins? 1 terrapin 22. 10 rations? 1 decoration 23. 100 rations? 1 C-ration 24. 2 monograms? 1 diagram 25. 4 nickels? 1 paradigms 26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital? 1 IV League 27. 100 Senators? Not 1 decision", -"Lung Cancer in Women MushroomsEye Drops Off ShelfTeachers' Strike Idles KidsEnraged Cow Injures Farmer with AxePlane too Close To Ground, Crash Probe ToldMiners Refuse to Work After DeathJuvenile Court to Try Shooting DefendantStolen Painting Found by TreeKiller Sentenced to Die For Second Time in 10 YearsNever Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved OneWar Dims Hope for PeaceIf Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, it May Last a WhileCold Wave Linked to TemperaturesRed Tape Holds up New BridgeTyphoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds DeadMan Struck by Lightning Faces Battery ChargeNew Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test GroupAstronaut Takes Blame for Gas In SpacecraftKids Make Nutritious SnacksChef Throws His Heart in Helping Feed NeedyArson Suspect Held in Massachusetts FireBan On Soliciting Dead in TrotwoodLocal High School Dropout Cuts in HalfNew Vaccine May Contain RabiesHospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot DoctorsTwo Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter", -"9. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.8. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.7. Crying can be fun.6. Fat clothes.5. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.4. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.3. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.2. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.And the number one thing only women understand...1. Other women!", -"The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.Howdy, stranger...Howdy, Sheriff... The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.Hold on, Mister...Sheriff?Did I just see what I think I just saw?Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips...And that cures them?Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin' em.", -"Carol was having trouble with her computer. So she called Glenn, the computer guy, over to her desk. Glenn clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.As he was walking away, Carol called after him, So, what was wrong? And he replied, It was an ID Ten T Error.A puzzled expression ran riot over Carol's face. An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??He gave her a grin... Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before? No, replied Carol. Write it down, he said, and I think you'll figure it out. I D 1 0 T", -"This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, I'll just have the eggs Benedict. His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, What's with the hubcap? The waiter sings, Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!", -"Once upon a time, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting, on the seventh day. He inquired of God,Where have you been?God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, Look, Michael. Look what I've made.Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, What is it?It's a planet, replied God, and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.Balance? inquired Michael, still confused.God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor - over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. God continued pointing to different countries...This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, What's that one?Ah, said God. That's Alaska, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests - the people from Alaska are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world - as diplomats, and carriers of peace ....Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!God smiled, Wait until you see the idiots I put in Juneau.", -"A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri! No, I'm sorry, replied the bartender, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc.", -"A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.", -"Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.The first question was, Without using numbers, represent the number 9.Boudreaux says, Dat's easy and proceeds to draw three trees.The boss says, What in the world is that?Boudreaux says, Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine.Fair enough says the boss. Second questions, same rules, but represent 99.Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.Der ya go sir, he says.The boss scratches his head and asks, How on earth do you get that to represent 99?Boudreaux answers, Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99.The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100.Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, I got it! He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, Der ya go sir - 100.The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, Ha! got him this time. He then tells Boudreaux, Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100.Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?", -10. She wants her own intern. 9. She wants to complete her china and silver collection. 8. Brother-in-law Roger needs another pardon. 7. She wants to lease the Lincoln Bedroom to Marc Rich. 6. She wants to rename Camp David to Camp Denise. 5. She wants to pick up the rest of the furniture. 4. She wants to return to public housing. 3. She wants the top floor of the Trump Tower when she leaves. 2. She misses her hairdresser. 1. Bill needs a pardon., -"There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.An angel hears his plea and appears to him. Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you. The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, Hold on, you can't bring that in here!But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through.St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, You brought pavement?!!!", -"1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crosswords.4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.?9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.", -Why don't women blink during foreplay?They don't have time., -What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?A widow., -"Remember this story when they start getting frustrated:My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly.One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said No.I kept thinking, Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me. Then I said, Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident? No, he replied. I just knew that he must have had, cause the smell was getting worse. So.........I asked one more time, Matt, did you have an accident?This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled......... SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.I was mortified......... but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!", -"Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. Please Lord, he implored, let it be blood!", -If love is blind is then why is lingerie so popular?, -What do you call 100 lawyers jumping out of an airplane?Skeet, -"McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olive and placing it in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. S'cuse me, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, what was that all about? Nothin', said the Irishman. My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!", -"An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, Sir, have you been drinking? Just water, says the priest. The trooper says, Then why do I smell wine? The priest looks at the bottle and says, Good Lord! He's done it again!", -"The man told his doctor that he just wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English... What's wrong with me?Well, in plain English, the doctor replied, you're simply a lazy old fart.Thank you for your candor, said the man. Now give me the medical term, so I have something to tell my wife!", -"Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!His buddy looks at him and says, Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' She always acts like she's sound asleep!", -"A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip.The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the will call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, Follow me.The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.Thanks so much. says the theatergoer, This seat is perfect. He then hands the usher a quarter for a tip.The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick.", -"An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?I sure did, responded his friend. He can't swim.", -"The Indians asked their Chief in autumn, Chief, is this coming winter going to be mild or cold?Not really knowing an answer, and knowing it was better to err on the side of caution, the chief replied, It is uncertain at this time, but we should begin to prepare just in case. Collect wood as if it is going to be cold, and I'll see what more I can learn.Being a good leader, he then went to the phone and called the National Weather Service and asked, Is this winter going to be mild or cold?The man on the phone responded, This winter was going to be quite cold indeed.So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later, he again called the National Weather Service again, Is it going to be a cold winter?Yes, the man replied, it's going to be an extremely cold winter. The Indians are collecting all the wood they can find!", -"A little girl asked her father, Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?He replied, No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise'.", -"A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years; and then they could only say two words.The first seven years passed and they went into a small room. His two words were too cold.The next seven years passed and they took him back into the small room and his two words were bad food.The next seven years passed they took him back into the small room and his two words were I quit.Good, they said, all you have done is complain.", -"What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?A northern fairy tale begins with, Once upon a time...A southern fairy tale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this...", -"- When Cupid shoots his arrow, I hope he Mrs. you. -If I were a head of lettuce, I'd cut myself in two. I'd give a leaf to everyone, but save the heart for you. -Can't write, too dumb; inspiration won't come. Bad ink, no pen; that's all, amen. -My love for you will never fail...as long as a pig has a curly tail. -I eat my peas with honey. I've done it all my life. It makes my peas taste funny, but it keeps them on my knife. -My love for you shall always shine, like bedbugs dipped in turpentine. -Twinkle, twinkle, little star, powder puff and cold cream jar; Toni wave and lipstick too, will make a beauty out of you. -I hope you sit on the tack of success and rise rapidly.", -How are men and parking spots alike?Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely short., -"TOP 10 SLOGANS BEING CONSIDERED BY VIAGRA 10. Viagra, It's Whaazzzzz Up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper 8. Viagra, Like a rock! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight. 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman! 3. Viagra, Tastes great!......... More filling! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to life! And the number one slogan, being considered by Viagra: 1. This is your penis.........This is your penis on drugs.", -"The phone call...A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The wife , picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, How should I know, that's 200 miles from here! and hung up.Curious, the husband said, Who was that?And his lovely wife replies, I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.", -"Top Ten signs your co-worker is a computer hacker10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.5. Mumbled, Oh, puh-leeez 95 times during the movie The Net.4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.3. His video dating profile lists public-key encryption among hobbies.2. When his computer starts up, you hear, Good Morning, Mr. President.1. You hear him murmur, Let's see you use that Visa card now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!", -"A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. Were these dishes ever washed? he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.She replied, They're as clean as Soap and Water could get them.He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. The meal was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and called, Here Soap! Here Water!", -"The zoology teacher asked a small boy to make a sentence using the word possum.He answered, Maw got horny and gave possum.", -"Remember, old folks are worth a fortune; they have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so long as you don't have to go along too.You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.", -"Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.The drug is called Gingko Viagra, and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.", -"There once was a man from Hybernia,Who Rhymed himself into a hernia.He became adeptAt this practice exceptFor occasional anti-climaxes.", -What is a plant's favorite school year?KinderGARDEN!!!, -What did the lunch lady say to the boiled egg?You're in hot water now!!!, -"A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back, there are still stains in her panties.The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman that says, Use more soap on panties.This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. Use more soap on panties.Finally, fed up, the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, Use more paper on ass.", -"A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, Your first job will be to sweep the entire store.But I'm a college graduate, the young man replied indignantly.Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that, said the manager. Here, give me the broom. Let me show you how.", -"A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry, the woman said. Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way.The dentist was quite impressed. You're certainly a courageous woman, he said. Which tooth is it? The woman turned to her husband and said, Show him your tooth, dear.", -"Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.Hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? Dam.What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an A bra.Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly, fast sheep.", -"A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City.The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?The mother replies, Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work.The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?The mother replies, Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?", -"A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. This year, she says, I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me. The daughter protests, But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this.Don't worry honey, says the mother, your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks.", -"A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet street he chose happened to be one of the city's most popular jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.Yes?Excuse me, sir, the jogger said, do you have the time? The man looked at the car clock and answered, 7:15. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?7:25!The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, I do not know the time! Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.Sir, sir? It's 7:45!", -"A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully.The local news heralded, . . .St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant.", -"Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out. Joe wrote, The office workers should all be given raises! When he looked at Frank's card, it said Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's Birthday? Joe said, Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here - you shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it.", -"Tom, the fisherman, wrote the following to a mail order catalogue, Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check.A few days later, Tom received the following reply, Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine.", -"Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.Madam, he explained, this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday.Well, okay, agreed Mrs. Hunter, I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!", -"Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.He asked the store manager, Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?Yep, that's him, he replied.The stranger couldn't help but be amused.That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?Because, the owner replied, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.", -"A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. In 1942, he says, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, he continues, one day I was protecting our bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.At this point, several of the children giggle.I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me.At hearing the pilot go on, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft companyThat's true, says the pilot, but these nazi fokkers were flying Messerschmidts.", -"Viagra now available in liquid form. FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug Viagra in a new, easy-to-take liquid form. It is sold under the name Mydixadrill. Now when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour themselves a stiff one.", -"Stalking into a police station late one night, a man demands to speak to the burglar who broke into his house.Sorry, that's against the law, says the desk sergeant.You don't get it, says the man. I need to know how he got in without waking my wife.", -"1 rule of a redneck-If duck tape don't fix it , mount it on the wall instead.", -"'Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving, But I Just Couldn't SleepI Tried Counting Backwards, I Tried Counting Sheep.The Leftovers Beckoned - The Dark Meat And WhiteBut I Fought The Temptation With All Of My MightTossing And Turning With AnticipationThe Thought Of A Snack Became Infatuation.So, I Raced To The Kitchen, Flung Open The DoorAnd Gazed At The Fridge, Full Of Goodies Galore.I Gobbled Up Turkey And Buttered Potatoes,Pickles And Carrots, Beans And Tomatoes.I Felt Myself Swelling ! So Plump And So Round,'til All Of A Sudden, I Rose Off The Ground.I Crashed Through The Ceiling, Floating Into The SkyWith A Mouthful Of Pudding And A Handful Of Pie.But, I Managed To Yell As I Soared Past The Trees....Happy Eating To All - Pass The Cranberries, Please.May Your Stuffing Be Tasty, May Your Turkey Be Plump.May Your Potatoes 'n Gravy Have Nary A Lump,May Your Yams Be Delicious May Your Pies Take The Prize,May Your Thanksgiving Dinner Stay Off Of Your Thighs.Happy Thanksgiving To All!!!", -"A guy walks into a bar wearing a pair of jumper cables around his neck. The bartender looks at him and says, Hey buddy, don't try to start anything...", -"A woman was missing her boyfriend, so she decided to write him the following brief letter:Dear Anthony,I've been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool... nobody can take your place. I love you.All my love,KathyxoxoP.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery...", -The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again., -"Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, called his wife by many endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, That is really nice. After all these years, you still call your wife those pet names.Morris hung his head and whispered, To tell the truth, I forgot her name years ago.", -"Did you hear about the football game with the 0-0 score?Never mind, it's pointless.", -"Henry goes to confession and says, Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women.The priest says, Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?No, replies the priest. But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face.", -"This man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder and the bar tender asks him,What's your newt's name?and the man replies,Tinyand the bar tender says,Why is he called Tiny?and the man replies,Because he is minute. ", -"Yo momma so fat that when she sits around the house, she dosen't just sit around the house, she sits around the whole neighborhood.", -Knock-KnockWho's there?BooBoo who?Why are you crying?, -"There were three babys - a blond, a redhead, and a brunet. They were fighting over who's mommy had the best bra. The first baby says My mom has a foam bra.The second says My mom has gel straps.The blond baby says Well, the tag on my moms bra says double D. The blond won the fight.", -"After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head stormed into their room, puttingthem back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, Who was that?", -"The female skier Picabo Street ... The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, ICU.", -"The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious constitutional reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was, however, no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable.", -"I shall seek and find you,I shall take you to bed and have my way with you,I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan.I will make you beg for mercy, you will beg for me to stop.I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. You will be weak for days.You have been warned, my love, by...THE FLU!!Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get a flu shot.", -What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity., -What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs., -What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes., -"Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair. She loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed in the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her. Some of the male residents even joined in.One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. STOP, he shouted in a firm voice. Have you got a license for that thing? Ethel fished around in her handbag, pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. Okay, he said. And away Ethel sped down the hall.As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, STOP! Have you got proof of insurance for that vehicle? Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Seemingly satisfied, Harold nodded and said, Carry on, ma'am.As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand. Oh, GOD, said Ethel. Not the breathalyzer again!", -"What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.", -What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving., -Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator., -"What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.", -"A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.", -"A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice 13.......13.......13.........13 the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'", -Your so ugly you remind me of an elephants bottom., -What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?One says Ribbit ribbit and the other says Rubbit rubbit., -"A kindergarden teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog.She inquired as to whether it was dead or alive.Dead, she was informed.How do you know? she asked.Because I pissed in his ear, said the child innocently.You did WHAT? squealed the teacher in surprise.You know, explained the boy,I leaned over and went 'Pssst'. He didn't move!", -"Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country.Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, Earthquake! The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again, before the order was given Al yelled out, Tornado! Again, the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, I see the pattern here; just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall. He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction, he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, Fire!", -"A man was driving up the interstate late one night when he was amazed to see a weird creature overtake him at a great speed. He accelerated in an attempt to catch up with it, but the creature was far too quick for him and he dimly saw it run off the highway on an exit. The driver followed, only to see it jump over a hedge and disappear into some woods. Nearby stood a farmhouse; the driver stopped his car, walked up to the door and knocked.The driver apologized to the farmer for bothering him and asked him about the creature. Oh yes, said the farmer, that's one of my specially bred three-legged chickens. I bred them so that when we have roast chicken for dinner, my wife, my son and myself can have a chicken leg each.Really? asked the man. That's amazing! How do they taste?I don't know, replied the farmer. I haven't been able to catch one yet.", -"A group of managers was given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. They got their ladders and tape measures and went out to the flagpole. However, the measurement job turned out to be much more difficult than any of them had expected, with some of them falling off the ladders, some dropping their tape measures and so on, and the whole thing had just turned into a big disaster.After a while, an engineer happened to walk by and saw what the managers were attempting to do. She walked over, pulled the flagpole out of the ground, and laid it flat on the ground. She measured it from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers and then walked away without saying a word.After the engineer was out of sight, one manager turned to another and laughed as he shook his head. Now that's just like an engineer! We're looking for the height and she gives us the length!", -"A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.His son asked, What happened to the flea?", -"A man goes to his doctor and says, I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?The doctor replies, Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, What's for dinner, honey?He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.Finally he stands directly behind her and says, Honey, what's for dinner?She replies, For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!", -"1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, Am I my brother's son?3. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.4. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.5. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.6. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.7. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.8. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.9. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.10. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.11. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin,and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, A horse divided against itself cannot stand.. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.12. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.13. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.14. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.15. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.16. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets in the West17. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.18. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.19. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.You would have thought that people doing there GCSE's would have better gnilleps P.S. these are meant to have spelling mistakes, its how they were really wrote by someone.", -"The perfect man is gentleNever cruel or meanHe has a handsome smileAnd keeps his car so clean.The perfect man likes childrenAnd will raise them by your sideHe will be a good fatherA good husband to his bride.The perfect man loves cookingCleaning and vacuuming tooHe'll do anything in his powerTo convey his feelings to you.The perfect man is sweetWriting poetry from your nameHe's a best friend to your motherAnd kisses away your pain.He never has made you cryOr hurt you in any wayOh, fuck this stupid poemThe perfect man is gay.", -"Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate, he stated.Why yes, she replied, every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church.That's wonderful, how much does he send you?Oh, $2,000 a week.Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?He is a veterinarian, she answered.That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas.", -"A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim.", -"Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?Johnny's father replied, Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.", -"A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.Here is the situation, she said. A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?A girl raised her hand and asked, To draw out all his savings?", -"A cannibal took his young son for a walk in the jungle. They came across a beautiful, naked girl lying asleep on the ground. The boy got excited and said, Let's eat her now, Dad!But the father said, No, I have a better idea. Let's bring her home and eat your mother.", -"A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you.I know, said the man, but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone...", -"An Italian doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. But how will I let you know the baby is born? she asked.He replied, Just send me a postcard and write spaghetti on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses.Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.The doctor said, Just wait until I get home, I will explain it to you. Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack.Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read:Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.", -"Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, Tony, would you go next door and see how Old Mrs. Pierpoint is?A few minutes later, Tony returned.Well, is she all right? asked the mother.She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you, remarked Tony.At me? the mother exclaimed. Whatever for?Tony replied, Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is.", -"Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:- The future of I give is I take.- The parts of speech are lungs and air.- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.- The climate is hottest next to the creator.- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.", -"In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizeable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are week, dumb, cantankerous...or what?Not at all, Ma'am, the manager replied. It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.", -"The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, You know, you're really a lousy lover!The husband replies, How would you know after only 30 seconds?", -"A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her Do you by any chance have today's paper?The lady looked at him and said No, but the next time we pass by a tree, I'll grab you a handful of leaves.", -"A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship, the wife explained. He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening.", -"Joe's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Denise agreed to marry him.After three months of married life, Joe noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him, she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.Denise he said, was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died?Don't be ridiculous, she replied, I don't care who gave you the money!", -"At a wedding rehearsal, the pastor told the father of the bride, As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him.The father, a department store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed his daughter's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, No deposit, no return.", -"Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.The Frenchmen requests a Fillet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.The Newf requests a plate of strawberries.STRAWBERRIES ????Yes, Strawberries.He is told, But they are out of season!So, I'll wait.", -"There once was this kid named Oddy,He always missed the Potty,He went some poops,and shouted out oops,Because Oddy Missed the Potty", -"What did the number 0 say to the number 8?Hey, nice belt!", -The Perfect Breakfast:You're sitting at the table and:your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties....your mistress is on the cover of Playboy ... and your wife is on the back of the milk carton..., -"Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict:Manslaughter!Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.Boy, did I! said the juror. They kept voting to acquit!", -"A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They immediately tore each other's clothes off and started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock.Quick! she said to the man, it's my husband! You've got to get out of here quick!Where's the back door? the man asked as he grabbed his clothes.There isn't one, she replied.Where would you like one? he asked.", -"A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.Oh my, said the writer. Let me see heaven now.A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.Wait a minute! said the writer, this is just as bad as hell.Oh no, it's not, replied an unseen voice. Here, your work gets published.", -"Little Johnnie was late for class, and when he saw that the door was already closed, he opened it and went into the classroom tentatively. He very quietly shut the door and tiptoed to his seat hoping not to get the teacher after him.This upset the teacher, who said him, Johnnie, is this how your father would have come in - late and sneaking to his seat? Go out and try it again, and get it right this time!So, Little Johnnie left the room and shut the door behind him quietly, as he'd come in. Then a moment later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips. He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the carpet with his foot and said, So Honey, didn't expect ME, did ya?", -"A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Texan on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.Last night I made love to my wife four times, the Frenchman bragged, and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times, the Italian responded, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?Once, he replied.Only once? the Italian arrogantly snorted. And what did she say to you this morning?Don't stop.", -"You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one---a real SWEET POTATO whom they called YAM. They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. She said not to worry------no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her! But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped. She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito Lay. Mr. Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to Idaho P.U - that's Potato University - where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips. But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Dan Rather. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just a .... COMMON TATER!!! ", -"The head of a small industrial company posted a slogan all around the office and plant saying, Do it now! with the hope of getting better results from his workers.Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogan signs, he said, It worked too well. The bookkeeper skipped with $20,000, the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had, three salesmen asked for raises, and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike.", -"First, you get a little hoarse.Then, you get a little buggy.", -"Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.", -"An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.", -"Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost? Only one kiss per yard, replied the smirking male clerk. That's fine, replied the girl. I'll take ten yards. With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. Grandpa will pay the bill, she smiled.", -"A vacationing golfer was out playing on a course that he had never played before. He hired a caddie from the pro shop to show him the layout of the course, and help him decide what shots to play.On the first tee, the golfer missed his shot, and it dribbled forward about 15 yards. He was slightly embarrassed, but determined to play a better second shot. He hit his second shot into the bordering fairway, and his third shot into a sand trap. By the time he holed out on this Par 4, he was 6 over par.The man turned to his caddie and said, Well, I have never played this badly before!To which the caddie replied, I didn't realize you had played before, sir.", -"A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen. A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. She's a horse's ass too, the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. Damn it! the man said, climbing back up to the bar. This must be Bush country!Nope, the bartender replied. Horse country!", -"New IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He assumed they were turning some unreported revenues somewhere, and was determined to find it. He proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi, asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings from the Shabbat, Havdallah and Chanukah candles. The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the temple new candles. What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover? asked the IRS auditor. Simple, the Rabbi responded. We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal.All right, said the auditor, refusing to give up. I know that you're a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions? That's easy too, said the Rabbi. We send them to Washington, DC and they send us back little pricks like you.", -"A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.You could have told me that before I undressed! she scolded him.He replied, Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't.", -"Legendary football announcer Keith Jackson was in Texas to announce a college football game when he noticed a special telephone near the Longhorn's bench. He asked a nearby Texas player what it was for, and was told that it was the hotline to God.Keith asked if he could use it. The player told him, Sure, but it will cost you $10.Keith scratched his head and thought, What the heck, I need a break picking games. He pulled out his wallet and paid the $10. Keith was perfect that week with his football picks.The next week Mr. Jackson was in Florida when he noticed the same kind of telephone on the FSU bench. He again asked what the telephone was for and was told, It's the hotline to God. If you want to use it, it'll cost you $10.Recalling the prior week, Keith pulled out his wallet and made the call. Keith was again perfect calling games.The next weekend Mr. Jackson was in Nebraska at Memorial Stadium, when he noticed the same kind of telephone by the Cornhusker's bench. He asked a player, Is that telephone the hotline to God?The player responded, Yes, and if you want to use it, it'll cost you 25 cents.Keith looked incredulously at the young man and said, Wait a second, I paid $10 in Texas and Florida to use the same telephone to God. Why does Nebraska charge only 25 cents?The young man looked at Mr. Jackson and replied, In Nebraska, it's a local call.", -"Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.After introductions, the first golfer asked the second, What's your handicap?Oh, I'm a scratch golfer, the other replied.Really! exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with such a strong player.Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!", -"Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.", -"Two guys are moving about in a Walmart when their carts collide.One says to the other, Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife.What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate.Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass.What's your wife look like?Never mind, let's look for yours!", -"This will warm your heart, just when you have lost faith in human kindness....Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.Sincerely,Edna Walters", -"Hickory, Dickory DockThree mice ran up the clockThe clock struck one...The rest got away with minor injuries", -"A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. I've figured out your problem, he told the young southpaw. You always lose control at the same point in every game. When is that? Right after the National Anthem.", -"A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there.Sit, Fluffy, she says.Fluffy glares at her, sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.I said 'SIT'! Now there's a good Fluffy, says the woman, slightly embarrassed.Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, Darn it Fluffy, will you be good?!Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says, Pardon me, I've just washed my hare and I can't do a thing with it!", -"Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.Hello, said the Father, And how is Mr. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?She replied, You did that, Father. And are there any little ones yet? No, not yet, Father, she said Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you. Oh, thank you, Father, and away she went.Several years later they met again.Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan, said the Father, how are you?Oh, very well, said she.And tell me, he said, have you any little ones yet?Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all.Now isn't that wonderful? he said, and how is your wonderful husband?Oh, she said, he's gone to Rome to blow out your damned candle!", -"An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat, when his wife said, Where are you going?The elderly man replied, To the doctor's.Surprised, his wife asked Why, are you sick?No, he said, I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.With that, his equally elderly wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her sweater.Surprised, he asked, Where are you going?I'm going to the doctor, too.Why?She said, matter-of-factly, If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot.", -"Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call.Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, Okay, let's get out and get him.After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?The guy in the front said, Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.", -"A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked,Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?To which he replied, Lady, I'm in sales, not management.", -"A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? she asked. They're mating, her father replied. What do you call the spider on top, Daddy? she asked. That's a daddy longlegs, her father answered. So, the other one is a mommy longlegs? the little girl asked.No, her father replied. Both of them are daddy longlegs. The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing going on in our garden.", -"An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the Doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. Hit him again, the 5-year-old said. He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!", -"A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For my last wish... I'd like to give birth to twins.", -"Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says,Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drink.But we's privates, protests Junior.We's sergeants now, says Bubba, pulling him inside.Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink.But, we's privates, says Junior.You blind, boy? asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. We's Sergeants now.So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.You're cute, she says, and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers,Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign.Junior goes to look it up, comes back and gives Bubba the big okay sign.Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.Junior, he says, What you give me the okay for?Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates. Then he pointed to his stripes and says, But we's Sergeants now!", -"It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing Ave Maria, and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir. I am a retired choir director, he said. This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard.Yes, I'm very proud of them, said the conductor.You should take them on tour, said the visitor. What are they called?Surely that's obvious, replied the conductor. They are the 'Moron Tapanapple Choir'.", -"A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial it went like this:Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.Q. Officer, who provided this description?A. The officer who responded to the scene. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.Q. Do you trust your fellow officers?A. Yes sir, with my life.Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?A. Yes sir, we do.Q. And do you have a locker in that room?A. Yes sir, I do.Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?A. Yes sir.Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's Best comeback line and we think he'll win.", -"There is a man in his back yard trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times all the while his wife is watching from her kitchen window. Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything she opens the window and yells to her husband You need more tail. The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, Make up your mind, Honey. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!", -"A little boy asked his mother:Mummy, why are you white and I am black?Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don't bark.", -"I went to the store the other day and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said Come on, buddy, how about giving me a break? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes; the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.", -"Dad, said Little Johnny, I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?Little Johnny's father said irately, Son, it just wouldn't be right. That's okay, replied Little Johnny You could at least give it a try, couldn't you?", -Want to hear a clean joke? Bob took a bath with bubbles.Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Bobs neighbor., -"There are two men in a restroom, in stalls directly next to each other.Man 1 says Hi there.Man 2, trying not to be rude, says, Um...HiAfter a short silence, Man 1 speaks again saying, So, how are things?Man 2 replies, Good.... I guess.Man 1 says, Okay, honey, I have to go now, every time I talk to you on my phone this guy answers, bye.", -"Two little boys were looking for a way to cool off on a hot summer day.Their dad wouldn't let them play in the sprinkler because he was mowing the lawn, so the boys set out to find a way to get wet and cool without getting into trouble.They sat on the curb brainstorming the solution, when suddenly one of them jumped up and declared, I know! Let's get baptized!Well, both boys had seen enough to know that you can get wet at a baptism, so they trotted on down to the church on the corner and told the pastor they wanted to get baptized. The irritated pastor finally relented after about 10 minutes of begging, and he finally dragged the boys to the men's room and dunked them both head first into the toilet, then sent them on their way.The boys sat on the curb, slightly disappointed with the whole adventure, when one of them asked the other, Hey, what religion are we now? I don't know, replied the other. If we were Baptists, hewould have filled up the big tub and dunked our whole body like he did for Uncle Jim, and if we were Catholic, he would have poured it on our heads from a pitcher...They sat and thought about it for a while longer when the first one said in a small voice, Since he stuck our head in the toilet, I think that it means that we're 'pisscapalian.", -"President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell.The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good byes as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They stopped to chat. Sorry about the mix up says the Pope. No problem, replies Clinton. Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton asks, Why's that? Well, I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. President Clinton replies, Sorry, but you're a day late.", -"A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. Thematerial we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most ofus sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinesefood is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none ofus realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinkingwater.But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we allhave, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is thatcauses the most grief and suffering for years after eating it? A old man in the front row stood up and said, Wedding cake!", -"Doc, I think my son has VD, a patient told his urologist on the phone. The only woman he's screwed is our maid.Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid, the medic soothed. Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him.But I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms he has.Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up, replied the doctor.Well, the man admitted, I think my wife has it too.Oh crap! the physician roared. That means we've all got it!", -"A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was steaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules - make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way.", -"I cannot see,I cannot pee;I cannot chew,I cannot screw;Oh, my God, what can I do?My memory shrinks,My hearing stinks,No sense of smell -I look like hellMy mood is bad - can you tell?My body's drooping,Have trouble pooping;The Golden Years have come at last -The Golden years can kiss my ass", -"A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one.The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long.", -"Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. You're running around with other women, she charged. You're being unreasonable, Adam responded. You're the only woman on earth. The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. What do you think you're doing? Adam demanded. Counting your ribs, said Eve.", -"Harry walks into his supervisor's office. Boss, he says, We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.We're short-handed, Harry, the boss replies. I can't give you the day off.Thanks, boss, says Harry, I knew I could count on you!", -"A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, Here's a pill for English literature. The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!What else do you have? asks the student.Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history, replies the pharmacist.The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, Do you have a pill for math?The pharmacist says, Wait just a moment, goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.I have to take that huge pill for math? inquires the student.The pharmacist replied, Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.", -"Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took many pictures of the Dwarves and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Snow White was so disappointed that she started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said kindly, Don't worry, someday your prints will come.", -"A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to his back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the other. He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing, and arrested when he replied, . . . Impersonating an office, sir!", -"A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while and said, Well, I've always been embarrassed by being rather small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger?Done, said the genie and disappeared.Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his size. Within several holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it had crept into his sock. After holing his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where he'd met the genie.Problem? inquired the genie.Yes, the man responded, Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish?And what might that be? asked the genie.Could you make my legs longer?", -Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!, -"When White man found this land, Indians were running it.No Taxes...No Debt...Plenty Buffalo...Plenty beaver!Women did most of the work.Medicine Man free!Indian men hunted and fished all the time!Only White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that", -"There was a German, an Italian and a Newfie on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die..... 1. To be shot 2. To be hung 3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death The German said, Shoot me right in the head. Boom, he was dead instantly. The Italian said Just hang me. With a snap of the rope he was dead. Then the Newfie said, Give me some of that AIDS stuff. They gave him the shot and the Newfie fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. The Newfie said Give me another one of those shots. The guards injected him again and now the Newfie was laughing so hard that tears rolled down his cheeks and he was doubled over laughing. Finally the warden said What is wrong with you? The Newfie replied, You guys are so stupid...............I'm wearing a condom.", -How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?His lips are moving., -"If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?", -"The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Minnesota quarters.We are recalling all of the new Minnesota quarters that were recently issued, Treasury Undersecretary said in a press conference Monday.This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices. We believe the problem lies in a design flaw.The winning design for the Minnesota quarter was submitted by Sven Petersen of New Ulm, Minnesota. Sven commented, Apparently, da duct tape holding da two dimes ana nickel togedder keeps yamming da coin-slot.", -"A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies, basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer, he realized that they were all stark naked. He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies laying in the sun on the front lawn. The director said, Yes, and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.", -"The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom! she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. What are you doing lying on the bed naked? he asked. Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you. she replied with a knowing smile. Great, he said, I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes. Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air. Who the devil are you! the husband demanded. I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths, the lover replied. But..but you've got no clothes on? stammered the husband. The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, The little bastards!", -"Tired of having to stare at the luscious young kitten on the other side of the chain link fence, bold Tommy Tomcat decided to visit her one day. Settling back on his haunches, he gave a mighty leap and landed on the other side; impressed, the lovely cat sauntered over. That was quite a leap, she remarked. Want to go somewhere and cuddle? Afraid not, said Tommy, a pained expressions on his face. The fence was higher than I thought.", -"Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. Come have a look over here, says Paddy, It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.That's nothing, says Sean, here's one named Patrick O'Tool. It says here that he was 95 when he died.Just then, Seamus yells out, Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!What was his name? asks Paddy.Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, Miles, from Dublin.", -"A woman was having a terrible time sleeping. Her large dog, which slept in the bedroom with her and her husband, snored like a buzz saw. She contacted the Vet who told her of an old remedy that was handed down to him by an old Southern lady. He said when the dog began to snore, tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles.Hoping for a good night sleep, she looked into her sewing kit and found a short piece of red ribbon and placed it on the night stand. When the dog began to snore she got up and delicately tied the red ribbon around the dog's testicles. The dog immediately stopped snoring and stayed asleep. Amazing she thought, and quickly went back to sleep.Later that evening, her husband came home from a night out with the boys, stumbled into the bedroom and after undressing, flopped into bed. He immediately began to snore loudly, waking his wife. She reasoned that if it worked for the dog, maybe it would work for her husband. She got up and went to her sewing kit where she found a length of blue ribbon. Quietly and softly she tied the ribbon around her husbands testicles and he immediately quit snoring. She was amazed again and promptly returned to sleep.The next morning the husband awoke with a terrible hangover and as he stepped into the bathroom to relieve himself saw the blue ribbon around his testicles. As he walked into the bedroom, he saw the red ribbon around the dog's testicles. Through his haze, he muttered off-handedly to the dog, I don't know what we did last night, but at least we finished first and second.", -"The long term implications of drug research and medical procedures must be fully considered.Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.Medical researchers believe that by the year 2030 there will be a significant number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.", -"A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one--holding onto their weewees to direct the flow away from their clothes.As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, You must be in the 5th.No, ma'am, he replied. I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th but thanks for the lift.", -Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to:10. Tommy Lee's---------- Camp Kickachickee9. Lorena Bobbit's------ Camp Cutaweewee8. Tanya Harding's------ Camp Wackaneenee7. Kenneth Star's------- Camp Catchacrookee6. Louis Farakahn's----- Camp Killawhitey5. O.J. Simpson's------- Camp Killachickee4. Michael Jackson's---- Camp Wannabewhitey3. President Clinton's-----Camp Getahoochie2. Ellen Degeneras's-------Camp LickacoochieAnd the number one camp not to send your kid to:1. Monica Lewinsky's---- Camp Suckapeepee, -Knock-KnockWhy are you knocking? I've got a doorbell, -"Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled You are under arrest!What for? the mad scientist asked.And the policeman answered:For making an obscene clone fall.", -"A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.So, he asks the man his name.Fred, he replies. Fred what? the officer asks.Just Fred, the man responds.When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?The man replies, It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school.Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred.The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up the Warning Ticket.", -"Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.Secret...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.March 20th is now officially Steak Blowjob Day.Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That's it.This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.", -There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting:85% of women think their ass is too big...10% of women think their ass is too little...The other 5% say that they don't care -- they love him and would have married him anyway., -"Men are like ..... Laxatives ..... They irritate the shit out of you.Men are like ... Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.Men are like ... Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.Men are like ... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.Men are like ... Blenders ..... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, they usually head right for your hips.Men are like ... Coffee ..... The best ones are rich, warm, can keep you up all night.Men are like ... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.Men are like ... Department Stores ...Their clothes are always 1/2 off.Men are like ... Government Bonds ...They take soooooooo long to mature.Men are like ... Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.Men are like ... Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.Men are like ... Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.Men are like .. Parking Spots ...All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped", -"I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. Man, that guy is stupid! I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed. Flip one off? .....I think not.", -"Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house. Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler. 'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemnly.", -"Cash, check or charge? I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. Do you always carry your TV remote? I asked. No, she replied. But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him.", -"I suggest you sit down and relax before reading this. Your sides will be aching before you finish.Garden Snakes are DANGEROUS! Author Unknown Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.Time passed...Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was re-built. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.She shot him...", -"Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?Yes, Bubba, that is true.And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries ... is that true, mister lawyer?Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?Cause I was thinkin' .... maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with!", -JACK AND JILLWent up the hillTo have a little fun.Stupid JillForgot the pillAnd now they have a son., -MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMBHer father shot it deadNow it goes to school with herBetween two hunks of bread., -HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wallHumpty Dumpty had a great fallAll the king's horses and all the king's menHad scrambled eggs for breakfast again., -"HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,the cat did a piddle,all over the bedside clock,The little dog laughedto see such funthen died of electric shock.", -"GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and PieKissed the girls and made them cry.When the boys came out to playHe kissed them as well, he's funny that way.", -"THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL,who had a little curlRight in the middle of her forehead...And when she was good,she was very very good,But when she was badshe got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car.", -"At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, I know the whole truth. The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, I know the whole truth. His mother quickly hands him a $50 note and says, Just don't tell your father.Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, I know the whole truth. The father also promptly hands him a $50 note and says, Please don't say a word to your mother. Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, I know the whole truth. The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, Then come give your FATHER a big hug.", -"Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, What was the problem?The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine, explained the flight attendant, and it took us a while to find a new pilot.", -"Flight 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees.But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?", -"A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.He approached a uniformed policeman and said, I've lost my grandpa! The cop asked, What's he like?The little boy replied, Jack Daniels and women with big tits.", -"At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word service. The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms:Internal Revenue Service,Postal Service,Civil Service,Telephone Service,Service Stations,Customer Service,City/County Public Service.And I became confused about the word service. This is not what I thought service meant.Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those service agencies are doing to us...", -1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other., -"We've just been notified by Security that there have been six suspected terrorists working out of your office.Five of the six have been apprehended.Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot. You are obviously not a suspect at this time", -"A few interesting public/police interactions:GOOD:A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting too many. Then, he discovered the problem. A 10-year old boy was standing up the road from him with a hand-painted sign which read, RADAR TRAP AHEAD. The officer then found a younger accomplice down the road with a sign reading TIPS and a bucket full of change.BETTER:A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of the $40. The police department responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.BEST:A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball. He replied, Highway Patrolmen don't have balls. There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then silently closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.", -"Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.", -"Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.", -"When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.", -Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant, -Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege., -Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed., -Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him ... get a good lawyer ...keep his house, -"A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, What took you so long? He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area... and I'm sorry, they all turned me down.", -"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. - Douglas Adams.I'm astounded by people who want to `know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. - Woody Allen.Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.... - Carl Zwanzig.Computer programming is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.- Rich Cook.The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. - Bill Watterson .", -"A business man was driving along when he spotted a hippie thumbing for a ride. He stopped to pick him up. The hippie sat in the front of the car, bopping and snapping his fingers to some beat in his head.The business man approached a stop sign and couldn't see clearly to his right, so he asked the hippie if there was anything coming from the right.Just a dog, man..just a dogSo the business man pulled out and CRASH!!A few days later the business man woke up in a hospital with his arms and legs hung in traction. He looked over and saw the hippie in the bed next to him, his arms and legs also suspended in traction - still bopping and snapping his fingers to some beat in his head.The business man asked, Hey, I thought you said there was just a dog coming from the right!?Said the hippie, still snapping his fingers in rhythm, Yeah man, like Greyhound! man...", -"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE.That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word Tampax for THUMBTACKS.In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?", -"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her, after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving right now, she would be punished.To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said, in a voice just as threatening, If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.", -"My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, No, I'm just looking at your nuts.My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has not let me forget.", -"I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, I think I like playing with men's balls.", -"One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight? The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. I can't dear, she said. I have to sleep in Daddy's room. A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, The big sissy.", -"When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, Mommy, you are getting fat! I replied, Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy. I know, she replied, but what's growing in your butt?", -The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement., -Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway., -There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead., -An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys., -Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die., -The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth., -"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.", -"Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.", -Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?, -"How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?", -"By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........The article read:The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started.So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.You have no idea how freakin good I feel....", -"Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, Windy, isn't it? No, the second man replied, it's Thursday. And the third man chimed in, So am I. Let's have a beer.", -"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said. - David Letterman", -"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts.- Jay Leno", -"Hillary Clinton has finished her memoirs for publication next year, while Bill has barely finished the first chapter. Well, in all fairness, Fiction is a lot harder to write.- Jay Leno", -"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments.- David Letterman", -CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it. - Jay Leno, -"Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress One leaned over and said, Life is so boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show! You're on! said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, following by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. How did you do? asked her waiting friend. Great! I just won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement!", -"A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, What good will Viagra do him?The doctor replied, It'll keep the sheets off his legs.", -"This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and enjoyment. Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without their middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. The longbow was a famous weapon. It was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as plucking the yew. Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW! Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say , the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as giving the bird. Are you not thrilled that you have someone out there that will send you educational stuff like this? History repeats itself - Once again the appropriate message was given to the French!", -"Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.The inspector asked, What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?Billy Bob replied, I would switch the points for one of the trains.What if the lever broke? asked the inspector.Then I'd dash down out of the signal box, said Billy Bob, and I'd use the manual lever over there.What if that had been struck by lightning?Then, Billy Bob continued, I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.What if the phone was busy?Well in that case, persevered Billy Bob, I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.What if that was vandalized?Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester.This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, Why would you do that?Billy Bob answered, Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train wreck!", -"Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, So, who's gonna tell the wife? They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me. Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.Goldberg declares, Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home. The wife says, Tell him to drop dead! I'll go tell him, says Goldberg.", -"A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his medical services. He was asked if he had health insurance.He replied in a raspy voice, No health insurance.The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, No money in the bank.The nun asked, Do you have a relative who could help you?He said, I only have a spinster sister who is a nun.The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.The patient replied, Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.", -Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle., -"An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.", -"Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit it onto all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out, and for no reason at all, you really stink.", -"I play in the low 80's. If it is hotter than that, I won't play.", -"In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers. They shoot a six, yell fore, and write five.", -"A not necessarily well-prepared college student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed Give four advantages of breast milk. What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:1. No need to boil.2. Never goes sour.3. Available whenever necessary.So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly scribbled his definitive answer.4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.He received an A.", -"Bill went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, Bill's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, Bill went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.The Consul after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Bill, My friend, the cost of sending of a body back to the States for burial is very very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00 dollars.The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains, normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00 dollars. Bill thinks for some time and answers the Consul, I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do.The Consul after hearing this says, You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price from $5.000.00 and $150.00 dollars.No, it's not that at all, says Bill. You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person who was buried here in Jerusalem and on the third day He was resurrected. I don't want to take that chance!", -"Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Cindy, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again? Cindy agrees and again they make love.Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Cindy's shoulder and said, Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die. She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on shoulder to wake her up. Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't.", -"Sarah's grandson is playing in the water, while she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the ocean. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished. Sarah holds her hands to the sky and cries, God, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to B'nai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of? Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had happened. A loud voice booms from the sky, I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied? Sarah responded, Well ... He WAS wearing a hat.", -"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. - Jack BennyWhen I was born I was so surprised that I didn't talk for a year and a half. - Gracie AllenI'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has-been was once an are. - Milton BerleRetirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. - George BurnsYou're never too old to become younger. - Mae WestI hate the theatre. I also hate the sight of blood, but it's in my veins. - Charlie ChaplinI've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - Groucho MarxThe secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age. - Lucille BallI don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob HopeI never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W.C. FieldsWhat's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman", -"A man wanted a big, ferocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog, said the buyer. Well, he's not bad, replied the owner, but I have somethingbetter in mind for you.They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. Ah, said the buyer, This must be the dog you were referring toearlier. Well, no. said the owner. I have something better in mind for you.The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. This is the dog I had in mind for you, said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. You're joking! he exclaimed. This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!I know, I know, said the owner. But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth.", -"Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? Just a minute, said the busy clerk. Vell, said Lena, if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus.", -"The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support. Vell, dat's fine, Judge, said Ole. And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself.", -"Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!", -"A man had a very smart dog. He tried selling it for around $45, but everybody thought it was too expensive. The man couldn't lower the price because part of the deal was to buy it a new name tag, 5 lbs. of food, and a new toy.After long thought he decided to get rid of the dog. He drove 20 miles out of town and dropped the dog off. When he arrived home, the dog was on the porch. He was baffled by this, so he went out of town 80 miles the next day and dropped his dog off in the woods. He went home only to find his dog on the porch.Next day he was mad, so he drove 170 miles out of town taking the most complicated way possible and dropped his dog off. He started driving around trying to find his way home, but he couldn't. He called his wife on his cell phone and asked, Honey, is the dog home? His wife responded, Yes, why? The man said, Put him on the phone - I need directions.", -What is black and white and red all over?An embarrassed zebra, -"Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand and on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to. So Ole drove to Duluth.", -"Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, You just put 'Ole died.' The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more. So Lena pondered for a few minutes! and finally said, O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' ", -"Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. Have you eaten your banana yet? Ole asked excitedly No, replied Lars. Vell, don't touch it den, Ole exclaimed. I yust took vun bite and vent blind!", -"Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. Oh, said Ole, I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet. How come? asked Lars Vell, Ole answered, because vith a clarinet she can't sing.", -"Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, Are you a pole vaulter? Ole said, No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter.", -"Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch. One lady turns and asks, Do you still get frisky? The other replies, Oh, sure I do. The first woman asks, What do you do about it? The second old lady replies, I suck a lifesaver. After a few moments, the first old lady asks, Who drives you to the beach?", -"Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.", -Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative., -I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. So I said Implants? She hit me., -I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast., -I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here., -I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner., -"If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?", -I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected., -I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life., -Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive., -How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?, -Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?, -Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?, -Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled., -"Today is International Day of The Very Good Looking, Beautiful and Damn Attractive People, so send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received over one thousand messages and my inbox is jammed full.", -"Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.", -Life is full of uncertainties...or could I be wrong about that?, -"A couple of weeks ago the clouds over western Washington were moving to the west. Normally they head east, inland over the mountains to central Washington and beyond. Scientists blamed the switch on mad cloud disease.", -"A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...that was fun!??", -A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Banning the bra was a big flop. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter., -"A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, Hi there, good looking, how's it going? Having already had a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, 'Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it. Eyes now wide with interest he says, No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?", -"Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called Ministers Do More Than Lay People.", -"There are only eleven times in history where the F word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows: 11. What the fuck do you mean we are sinking?Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 10. What the fuck was that?Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. Where did all those fucking Indians come from?Custer, 1877 8 Any fucking idiot could understand that.Einstein, 1938 7. It does so fucking look like her!Picasso, 1926 6. How the fuck did you work that out?Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?Michelangelo, 1566 4. Where the fuck are we?Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. Scattered fucking showers, my ass!Noah, 4314 BC 2. Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out?Bill Clinton, 1999 and a drum roll............!!!! 1. Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad.Sadaam Hussein, 2003", -A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two tired., -What's the definition of a will? ., -Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana., -A backward poet writes inverse., -"She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.", -A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion., -If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed., -When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds., -The difference between the Pope and your boss.... The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring., -My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone., -The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom., -"It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course there's shipping and handling, too.", -"A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.", -My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can., -"A brunette said, I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.", -I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building., -"A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. 'I feel tired all the time,' he slurs, 'My head hurts, I've got a sore bum, and I'm not sleeping. What is it doc?'Frowning the doctor examines him thoroughly before standing back. 'I can't find anything wrong,' he says.'It must be the drinking.''Fair enough,' replies the drunk.'I'll come back when you're sober.'", -"40-ish.....................................52 and looking for 25-yr-oldAthletic.................. .................Watches a lot of NASCARAverage looking...........Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, backEducated..............................Will patronize the shit out of youFree Spirit........... ...................Banging your sisterFriendship first...................As long as friendship involves nookieFun.................................Good with a remote and a six packGood looking...........................ArrogantVery good looking....................Dumb as a boardHonest....................................Pathological LiarHuggable.......................Overweight, more body hair than a bearLikes to cuddle........................Insecure mama's boyMature....................................Older than your fatherOpen-minded....Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interestedPhysically fit............................Does a lot of 12-ounce curlsPoet.......................Wrote ex-girlfriend's phone number on a bathroom stallSensitive..................................Cries at chick flicksVery sensitive...........................GaySpiritual....................................Got laid in a cemetery onceStable..........................Arrested for stalking, but not convictedThoughtful......................Says Excuse me when he farts", -"My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite.", -"As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.", -Progress in airline flying; Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant., -Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries., -"The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. ", -"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies.", -"A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, A dollar per point. The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.", -"A little girl had just finished her first week of school. I'm wasting my time, she said to her mother.I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk! --------------------On the way home from the first day of school, the father asked his son, What did you do at school today? The little boy shrugged his shoulders and said, Nothing. Hoping to draw his son into conversation, the father persisted and said, Well, did you learn about any numbers, study certain letters, or maybe a particular color? The perplexed child looked at his father and said, Daddy, didn't you go to school when you were a little boy?", -"On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, You should be hung.I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, I am, that's why she cuts the grass.", -"Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. The angel says, OK, your Majesty, you may go in.Dolly is outraged...What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?Sorry, Dolly, says the angel, but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are.", -"You certainly look cool.Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself.", -"Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get shitty ideas from.", -"A girl's legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part.-- Redd Foxx", -"A Pakistani guy named Abdul was ringing in flour at his grocery store, and the bag broke, covering him with flour. Abdul rushes home to take a shower. He enters his house and his wife says to him, Abdul, you're white, what happened to you?Abdul says I was ringing in flour, the bag broke, I go take shower. He runs upstairs and he runs into his son. His son says Daddy, you're a white man, what happened? Abdul said I was ringing in flour, the bag broke, I go take shower. He proceeds towards the bathroom when he is stopped by his daughter. His daughter said Daddy, you're all white, what happened? He screams I've only been white for half an hour, and already I hate you damn pakies!", -"Johnny was walking down the street pulling his wagon when he stubbed his toe. He was swearing like crazy when a priest comes up to him and says Johnny, I wouldn't say such things, God is everywhere. Intrigued by the priest's comment, he questions the priest. Is God over there? he says pointing to a tree. Yes Johnny, God is over there by that tree! says the priest. Is god right here? Johnny said pointing right beside him. Yes Johnny God is right beside you. says the priest. Is God in my red wagon? asks Johnny. Yes Johnny, God is in your red wagon. says the priest. Is god in my basement? asks Johnny. Yes Johnny, God is in your basement. says the priest. Johnny screams You're a liar, I don't have a basement!", -"Q. What does HMO stand for?A. This is actually a variation of the phrase HEY MOE. Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?A . Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan! But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? A. No. Only those you need.Q. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?A. Poke yourself in the eyes.Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?A. You really shouldn't do that.Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.Q. Will health care be different in the next century?A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.", -My karma ran over my dogma.-Anonymous, -What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!, -"Bin Laden is sitting with his son and they are watching the Twin Towers collapse.His son asks him, Dad, which film is this? to which he replied, Son, this isn't a film, this is a series.", -How would you drown a blond?Put a mirror at the bottom of the swimming pool, -"Driving to Louisana on the interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Darn women drivers!", -"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!", -Why does a blond stand next to a mirror with her hands on her eyes?She wants to see how she looks like when she is sleeping., -"A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, Why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license. Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.", -"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.", -The journey of a thousand miles ...begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire., -Never test the depth of the water with both feet., -If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again...It was probably worth it., -"Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife.In a few minutes, he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it. However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.", -Some days you are the bug.Some days you are the windshield., -Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time., -"Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.", -There are two theories to arguing with women.Neither one works., -"Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.", -"We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.", -Everyone seems normal until you get to know them, -There is a fine line between hobby and mental illness., -"Four girls were playing a game of tag. All of them had really long names that were hard to say, so one person thought of the idea of giving themselves nicknames.One suggested thinking of funny names, so the really tall girl was named 'Shorty'. The really thin girl was named 'fatty'.The next girl was very 'girlish', so they named her 'tomboy'.The last girl was the hardest to pick a name for, because she was not tall or short, fat or thin, a girly girl or a tomboy.Finally it came to them. Now there is Shorty, Fatty, Tomboy, and Smarty.", -"Roses are red,Roses are yellow;Grandfather's teethAre lost in the Jello.", -You don't have any luck at all if:-The guarantee on your used car expires two hours before the car's engine does.- You start to go bald at the same time you reach puberty.-You get your BIG break and make the football team only to trip over the bench and break your leg.-You find a ten-dollar bill and get arrested when you try to spend it because it's counterfeit., -"The sheriff of a small western town was also the town veterinarian. Late one night the phone rang, and his wife answered it.Is your husband there? asked an agitated voice.Do you require my husband's services as a sheriff or as a veterinarian? She asked.Both, came the reply. We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it.", -"As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, Daddy, look at this, and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, Daddy's gonna eat your fingers! pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, What's wrong, honey? She replied, What happened to my booger?", -"A small boy stunned his parents after Sunday School when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, Where did you get all that money?At church, the boy replied nonchalantly. They have bowls of it.", -"This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will be able to find out where you stand morally.The test features an unlikely fictional situation, in which you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be completely honest and spontaneous. From the gut.Please scroll down slowly and consider the scenario carefully. This is important for the test to work accurately. You're a freelance photographer in Florida. You are caught in a great disaster. A hurricane has caused great chaos and severe flooding. There are huge masses of water swirling around you but you somehow manage to crawl to safety on the roof of a building. The situation is nearly horrifying. But you're trying to shoot some photographs of what you see.There are houses and people being swept away by the raging waters, certainly to be swallowed up forever. Nature is showing all its destructive power, claiming everything in its path. Suddenly you see a flailing man in the water, moving swiftly by but within reach. He's fighting for his life, trying not to be sucked under and drowned.Suddenly you realize you know this man. You look closer. Yes, you're right. You do know him. It's George W. Bush! And you know he is doomed if you don't reach out to him.You have two options. You can save the life of the President of the United States or you can take a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph recording the tragic demise of the most powerful man in the world for all posterity.Here's the question :Which would you choose, color film or black and white?", -"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.-Stephen Bishop I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.- Irvin S. Cobb I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.- Clarence Darrow He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.- William Faulkner He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.-Samuel Johnson He had delusions of adequacy.- Walter Kerr I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -Groucho Marx I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.- Mark Twain Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.-Oscar Wilde He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.-Oscar Wilde He has Van Gogh's ear for music.- Billy Wilder", -"Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said Hold on, Sister Margaret, not so fast!But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath, I have lived for this moment! Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.That is just the problem, replied St. Peter, you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong.Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven! Sister Margaret pleaded.I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there,I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished; we will discuss your situation then, ordered St. Peter.Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. Saint Peter, she gasped, I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw upGood! replied the old saint, Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready.Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels. Saint Peter...I feel woozy...that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down.Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong, said St. Peter with delight. Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, then call meA week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:Yo, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!", -"What do you expect from such simple creatures!?Your last name stays put.The garage is all yours.Wedding plans take care of themselves.Chocolate is just another snack.You can be president.You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.Car mechanics tell you the truth.The world is your urinal.You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.Same work, more pay.Wrinkles add character.Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.One mood, ALL the time.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.You know stuff about tanks.A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.You can open all your own jars.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.You almost never have strap problems in public.You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.Everything on your face stays its original color.The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.You only have to shave your face and neckYou can play with toys all your life.Your belly usually hides your big hips.One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.You can do your nails with a pocketknife.You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.No wonder men are happier!", -"Why do you keep reading the Bible every day? the teenage girl asked her grandfather. Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam, said Granddad.", -"In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves. The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, Well, how much does a brain cost? The doctor quickly responded, $5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain. The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, Why is the male brain so much more? The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.", -10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a 2 rosette tip.4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of yourdog's crate.2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme coloredvirgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans., -"The owner of a golf course in Knoxville, Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice minus his early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.He called her into his office and said, You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?The secretary thought a moment, then replied, Everything but my earrings.", -"If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan.", -"TRADITIONAL ECONOMICSYou have two cows.You sell one and buy a bull.Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.You retire on the income.INDIAN ECONOMICSYou have two cows.You worship them.PAKISTAN ECONOMICSYou don't have any cows.You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, Britain for warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, France for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for equipment.You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world.AMERICAN ECONOMICSYou have two cows.You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.You put the blame on some nation with cows naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.FRENCH ECONOMICSYou have two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows.GERMAN ECONOMICSYou have two cows.You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.BRITISH ECONOMICSYou have two cows.They are both mad.ITALIAN ECONOMICSYou have two cows.You don't know where they are. You break for lunch.SWISS ECONOMICSYou have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.You charge others for storing them.JAPANESE ECONOMICSYou have two cows.You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.RUSSIAN ECONOMICSYou have two cows.You count them and learn you have five cows.You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.CHINESE ECONOMICSYou have two cows.You have 300 people milking them.You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.SRI LANKAN ECONOMICSYou have a cow and a bull,You let the cow be president and the bull be prime minister and let them blame each other for the state the country is in.", -"-During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor's pets.-When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him.-Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice.-While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling.-Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.-You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.", -"Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with a....Misdewiener", -"Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.One said to the other, How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?His companion replied, It kept me up all night.", -"A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. My dear Lord, he said. I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies, but out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it.He continued, I would like to know how you make it work.Oh, that's easy, was the reply. Many hands make light work.", -The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs., -"I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But...Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!", -"An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. Bloomingdales! the rabbi exclaimed. Why Bloomingdales? Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.", -"The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, A-a-a-men!", -"A farmer had been taken several times by a local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced the unit as follows:Basic Cow $ 999.95 Shipping and Handling 35.75Extra Stomach 79.25Two-tone Exterior 142.10Produce Storage Compartment 128.50Heavy Duty Straw Chopper 189.604-Spigot/High Output Drain System 149.20Automatic Fly Swatter 88.50 Genuine Cowhide Upholstery 170.80Deluxe Dual Horns 59.25Automatic Fertilizer Attachment 339.404 X 4 Traction Drive Assembly 884.16Pre-Delivery Wash and Comb 69.80Farmer Suggested List Price $ 3336.26Additional Dealer Adjustment 300.00 Total list price $ 3636.26Tax and Ear Tags 418.00TOTAL PURCHASE PRICE $ 4054.26", -"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me, said a little boy who was praying for a new bike.Art who? asked the boy's mother.Art in heaven, came the reply.", -"A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says Excuse me a minute I have to relieve myself.While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat.He asks the guy Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me.The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.The cop asks What're you doing in there?The guy says I'm making love to my wife.The cop asks Why don't you do that at home?The guy answers To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shone the light on her.", -"An American dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.He goes first to the German hell and asks What do they do here?He is told First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the Chinese hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the American hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks What do they do here?He is told First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the American devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?This is AMERICAN hell, that's why. Maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work; someone has stolen all the nails from the bed; and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen.", -"One day, after I took my dog to the vet, I stopped off at the grocery store to pick up some milk. So I left my dog in the car with the window rolled down so she could breathe. Because my dog is small, she could fit through the window of the car, but she is well trained enough to follow my commands. So I told her, Stay. Stay there, don't move. Staaay.A man loading his car with groceries next to me said, You know, usually, I just put it in park!", -Practice safe eating ...Always use condiments., -Beauty is only a light switch away, -"If life is a waste of time,and time is a waste of life,then let's all get wasted together,and have the time of our lives!", -Fighting for peace is likescrewing for virginity., -"No matter how good she looks,some other guy is sick and tiredof putting up with her shit.", -"Make love, not war. Hell, do bothGET MARRIED!", -"A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, 7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown.The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping and shaking him. He asks, Are you Ok? In a very weak voice the little guy says, Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?The big dude says, When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs. each. And my name is Turner Brown.The small guy says, Thank God!! I thought you said Turn Around.", -"A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?He thought for a moment and then said, I would take up a collection.", -"Just in case you've had a rough day at work, here's a technique recommended in all thelatest psychological texts. 1. Picture yourself near a stream.2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.3. No one but you knows your secret place.4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade ofserenity.6. The water is crystal clear.7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater...your boss...", -"A teacher came into a class and told the students, Class we have a new student..........go on tell us your name. The boy replied I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-your-ass-from-tree-to-tree. The teacher said, What!!!!.The boy repeated I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-your-ass-from-tree-to-tree.The teacher said, Go to the principal's office.When he got there, the principal said, Whats your name son?I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-ur-ass-from-tree-to-tree, the boy answered.The principal said What!!!!.The boy repeated I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-your-ass-from-tree-to-tree.Go home and stay there for 5 days, the principal said.While he was going home, a policeman stopped him and said, Shouldn't you be at school?.They told me to go home the boy replied.Just tell me your name, the police man said.I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-your-ass-from-tree-to-tree the boy said.The police man pulled a gun and shot the boy. The boy went to hell and met the devil.The devil said, Whats your name son?I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-your-ass-from-tree-to-tree, the boy answered.The devil said Oh, well i'm-the-devil-from-down-below-i'll-burn-your-ass-from-head-to-toe.", -"After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.But--where is your beard? asks his mother upon seeing him.Mama, he replies, in America, nobody wears a beard.But at least you keep the Sabbath?Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath.But kosher food you still eat?Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher.The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, Isaac, tell me--you're still circumcised?", -"Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for? The second kid says, I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous. The first kid says, You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze. The second kid then asks, What are you here for? The first kid says, A circumcision. The second kid replies, Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!", -"The only thing the Internal Revenue Service has notyet taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it ishanging around unemployed. 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off, and 10% of the time it's in the hole. It has two dependents, but they're nuts!Effective January 2004, penises will be taxed according to size. The tax brackets are as follows:10-12 LUXURY TAX8-10 POLE TAX5-8 PRIVILEGE TAX4-5 NUISANCE TAXMales exceeding 12 inches must file under capitalgains. Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!", -"How many cheerleaders does it take to screw in a light bulb?They wouldn't, they might brake a nail!", -"Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Milby's. The passenger, Bubba, said, Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!! Don't worry, Bubba, Earl said. We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat. What fer? asked Bubba. Just let me do the talkin', OK? said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, You boys been drinkin'? No sir, Earl said. We're on the patch.", -"A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.Now God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay the bills and balance the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night.", -Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young., -We child-proofed our home 3 years ago but they're still getting in!, -The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own., -Who eats cereal and plays golf?Tony the Tiger Woods., -Why is it hard for dalmatians to play hide-and-seek?Because they're always spotted!, -What do you get when you aim a nuclear weapon at a disobedient country?South Korean Barbecue., -What do you call a holy man that fries potatoes?A chipmonk, -"A farmer walks down to the Farm and Ranch Store to buy a bucket. When he gets there, they have some chickens and geese for sale, cheap.Well, the fellow picks a goose and two chickens, and gets a bag of feed. He thinks for a minute and says, Hey, how am I gonna carry all this home?The store manager says, Well, put the feed in the bottom of the bucket, the goose on top, and carry a chicken under each arm.The farmer gives it a try, and he starts home. A couple of blocks down the street, he runs into old Widow Smith, who's a little disoriented.She says, I don't remember which way my house is.The farmer says, Come on Miz Smith; you don't live far. Let's take this shortcut through the alley, and we'll have you home in no time.Miz Smith exclaims, Well, how do I know you won't molest me once we're in this back alley?The farmer says, My God, woman, I got my hands full, how would I do that?!Easy, she says, Put the bucket over the goose, put the feed on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the two chickens.", -"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.Is it common?It's Not Unusual.", -"I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.No, he said, the steaks are too high.", -What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?Sanka., -"Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:JESUS SAVES.One of the girls asked the officer,How come you don't stop them?!Well, that's a little different, the officer smiled . . . Their sign pertains to religion.So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00.", -"You're so stupid, that you called my house and asked for my number!", -"Jacob, a three year old boy, is excited about the birth of his little sister, Olivia. One morning, Jacob's mom is giving Olivia a bath, when Jacob asks Mom, where's her pp? The mom explains that boys have pp's and girls don't. Just to make sure he understands, she brings out a magazine, and points to a girl and said What does she have? and he responds No pp. She tells him good job and points to a man and he responds pp. Then she points to George W. Bush and asks Whats this? he responds tough call", -"One day I asked my grandfather how to ice fish. He said all you need is a can of peas and a club.Huh?, I said. How does that work?Well, he said, After you cut the hole in the ice you just place the peas around the edge of the hole! Then you wait by the hole with your club.What does that do? I asked.Well, he said with a grin. When the fish come up to take a pee, you hit him over the head with the club!", -"Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said, I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities. St. Peter said, You can enter.The second doctor said, I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves. St. Peter also invited him in.The third applicant stepped forward and said, I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care. St. Peter said, You can come in, too.But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell.", -"For all of us who miss those great old tunes from the 60s and 70s, there's good news! Some of our old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate maturing audiences.Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a FlashHerman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely WalkerThe Beatles - I Get by with a Little Help from DependsMarvin Gaye - I Heard It Through the Grape NutsThe Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken HipThe Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney StoneNancy Sinatra - These Boots Aren't Made for BunionsPaul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your LiverRoberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your FaceABBA - Denture QueenLeo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like NappingCommodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the BathroomJohnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now", -What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?You can drop her off anywhere., -What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?Outlaws are wanted., -"A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Mobile, Alabama to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, I want my $20 million.The man replied, No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.The Redneck said, Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!", -"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.", -"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.", -"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.", -"One day, a teacher at an elementary school asks one of her students how clouds form.She replied I'm not sure how clouds form, but the clouds know how to form, and that's the important thing....", -"A young boy asked his mother, Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines? Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense? replied his mother. The young boy answered, The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he'd like to screw the tail off his secretary.", -"What starts with B, has 2 E's, and ends in R????Birthday Cheer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", -"A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes his chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!The guy flying up looks down and yells, No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!", -"Makes one think, and puts things in perspective :Diet Snapple....16 oz $1.29........$10.32 per gallonLipton Ice Tea..16 oz $1.19........$ 9.52 per gallonGatorade........20 oz $1.59...... $10.17 per gallonOcean Spray.....16 oz $1.25.......$10.00 per gallonBrake Fluid.....12 oz $3.15 ..... $33.60 per gallonVick's Nyquil... 6 oz $8.35 .....$178.13 per gallonPepto Bismol.....4 oz $3.85......$123.20 per gallonWhiteout........ 7 oz $1.39...... $25.42 per gallonScope ........ 1.5 oz $0.99.......$84.48 per gallonand this is the REAL KICKER......Evian water 9 oz for $1.49...... $21.19 per gallon.$21.19 FOR WATER! ....and the buyers don't even know the source. Yes, and the name Evian, is Naive turned around, and the Canadians are selling it by the millions of gallons to the US.So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!!Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump....!", -"After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.", -"If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.", -Interchangeable parts aren't., -The one item you need is always in short supply., -Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!, -Why did the chicken cross the road?To show the armadillo that it was possible.Why did the chicken cross the road?To get away from Colonel Sanders!Why did the chicken cross the road twice?Because it was a double-crosser.Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?To take over the other side.Why did the chicken cross the playground?To get to the other slide.Why did the chicken cross the beach?To get to the other tide.Why did the dinosaur cross the road?Chickens hadn't evolved yet., -"1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m. 2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her. 3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet. 4. The cats have every right to be in the living room. 5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid 6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk 7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can. 8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once. 9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.", -"Sherlock Holmes stood at the Gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awaiting his turn. I'll let you in, said St. Peter, gesturing toward the heavenly throngs behind him, if you'll tell me who among these was the first mortal.Elementary, my dear St. Peter, said the great detective, he's the one without a bellybutton.", -"Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. How was he killed? asked one detective. With a golf gun. answered the other detective. A golf gun?! What is a golf gun? asked the first detective.I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!", -"A faith healer asked Moshe how his family was getting along. They're all fine, Moshe said, Except my uncle. He's very sick.Your uncle is not sick, the faith healer said. He THINKS he's sick.Two weeks later, the faith healer ran into Moshe on the street. How is your uncle getting along? he asked.Moshe shrugged, He THINKS he's dead.", -"One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side.Hello? Hello?Jesus replied, Who is it?Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son, the old man replied.Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, Joseph?The voice answered back, Pinocchio?", -"You may know they've released John Hinckley from the mental facility for unsupervised visits to his parents' home on weekends. For those of you who may be too young to remember, John Hinckley shot President Ronald Reagan to impress the actress Jodie Foster. This is such a nice letter from the President:THE WHITE HOUSEWASHINGTON D.C.Mr. John HinckleySt. Elizabeth's HospitalWashington, DCDear John:Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital reports that you are doing fine.I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents. I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you would let us know.By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is screwing Jody Foster?Sincerely,George W. BushPresident", -Very stinky I can be.And a wet hole is all you see.Give me a rod and I'm happy.In the silence I can queef.No one thinks they're eating beef.And please oh please don't use teeth., -"A silent Order of Monks is allowed to eat only porridge and speak just once a month. One month, Friar Albert stood up and said, I hate porridge. A month of silence passes by and Friar Barnaby stands to say, I like porridge. Another silent month goes by when Head Master Geoff rises and says...Would you two stop this constant bickering!", -"Three ministers are talking over lunch and before long find themselves discussing how much of the weekly offering is appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord.The first minister says, I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on each side, and throw the money into the air. Whatever lands on the right side of the line is God's and whatever lands on the left is mine. The second minister notes that he uses a similar method, but I use a small coffee table when I throw the money in the air and whatever lands on the table goes to the Lord and whatever lands on the floor is mine.They both contemplate each other's answer and finally turn to the third minister who is sitting there without saying anything. Well, how do you do it? asks the first to the third. Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figure whatever the Lord wants, he'll grab, and I keep whatever hits the floor.", -I Give Evolution Two Opposable Thumbs Up., -"10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for one when you're on the road.8 - If you admire a friends handgun and tell him so, he'll probably let you try it out a few times.7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for backup.6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.3 - A handgun doesn't ask, Do these new grips make me look fat?2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.And, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman1 - You can buy a silencer for a handgun.", -"Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- firefighter, police officer, sales rep, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret, and takes off all his clothes in front of other men, and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with some guy and make love with him for money.The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly sent the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, Is that really true about your father?No, said David, He actually works for the RE-ELECT BUSH Organization, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.", -Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder1. The DNA is all the same.2. There are no dental records., -"A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery, he answered.What did he say? asked the nurse.OOPS!", -"Nothing has really changed, even though we think we've gotten smarter, and technologically advanced. We've just gone back to square one!Doctor, I have an ear ache.2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.1000 B.C. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.2004 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!", -"1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial 9 to get an outside line.8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.11. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.12. You read this entire list, and keep nodding and smiling.13. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends.14. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.15. You are too busy to notice there was no 916. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a 9AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING AT YOURSELF", -"Why are Democrats better than Republicans in bed?You've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant, have you?", -"1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. 4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down. 13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table. 14. Arrange for vet to make a house call.", -God give me patience....And make it quick!, -"A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend has a huge penis.Damn Bob, you're hung! Jim exclaims.I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it.What do you mean? Jim asked.Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it.Jim agrees and the two say good bye.A few weeks later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.Jim replied, I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco.Crisco? Bob exclaimed, No wonder, man, Crisco's shortening!", -"A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.Wellll, he says, in a fine Irish brouge, Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation.Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word.They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.The rabbi looks up and says, Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures.", -"Your mama is so flat chested, the last time she had a breast was in a bucket at KFC.", -"One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out, so he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.When he returned, he told God, Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, Yes, it's true, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.God was not pleased, so He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the Email said? Just wondering, I didn't get one either.", -"A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, Religion? The man says, Methodist. St. Peter looks down his list, and says, Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8. Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. Religion? Baptist. Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.A third man arrives at the gates. Religion? Jewish. Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8. The man says, I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8? St. Peter tells him, Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.", -"A father, angry at his son for not doing well at school tells him, At your age, George Washington was the best student in his class.Yeah dad... replies the kid...and at yours, he was the President of the United States!", -"A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites.Do you reject the devil? asked the priest.This is no time to be making enemies, replied the author.", -"The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here. The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here. The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A tenth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but... Let me guess, the General interrupted, it broke down. No, said the G.I., there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.", -"A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo! The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, Yes, I have a phone. The driver of the Yugo said, Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo! The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, Yes, I have a refrigerator. The driver of the Yugo said, That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo! The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world! The driver of the Yugo said, Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo! The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce. The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night. It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out. I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce, the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!", -"A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.The gentleman said Stop or slow down, what's the difference?The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?", -"You Know You're Having a Bad Day When... 1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists. 2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned. 3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday. 4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 5.You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold. 6.You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning. 7.Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party. 8. Your income tax refund check bounces. 9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. 10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together. 11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband. 12. Your mother approves of the person you're dating. 13. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate. 14. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future. 15. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25. 16. You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch. 17. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any. 18. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.", -What do fish paint with?Water colours!, -Where do fish keep their life savings?At the river bank!, -"There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either of them died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly 30 days after their death.Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.At the seance, she called out, John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?A ghostly voice answered her, Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.Martha tearfully asked, Oh John, what is it like where you are?It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.What do you do all day? asked Martha.Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.Martha was somewhat taken aback. Is that what heaven really is like?Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha.Well, then, where are you?I'm a rabbit in Arizona.", -"If someone leads but no one follows... are they just out for a walk? Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them? Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime? Why is it that normal people are the ones you don't know? Why is it that when our kids are naughty we ask Do you want a spanking? What are they going to say, Yes please, may I have two?... Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts but have to put in your two cents worth? May I refuse to inherit the earth? Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?", -"A wife went in to see a therapist and said, I've got a big problem, doctor.Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.My dear, the shrink said, that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.The problem is, she complained, It wakes me up!", -"A man was in a terrible accident, and his manhood was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, $14,000 for large. The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. Well, what have the two of you decided? asked the doctor.The man answered, She'd rather remodel the kitchen.", -"Two women friends had gone for a Girls' Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. After finishing, they made off for home.The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said; These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties. That's nothing, said the other, mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said;From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.", -"Ole and Sven are neighbors in Minnesota. Ole is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border in Wisconsin. He drives over to Wisconsin, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway and take it home. He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, Come here and look at dis new cow I yustbought. Pull her teat and see vat happens dere. Sven reaches under and pulls; the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis cow over dere in Visconsin, yah? Ole is very surprised and says, Yah, dats right, how did you know dat? Sven says, My vife is from Visconsin!", -"People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it. If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your ass will get soaking wet. The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai. Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.. Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.", -"I'm dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal experiences with the group. I told them stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm tense. When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered to me, Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah.", -"Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. I teach math there, I explained. The trooper smiled, and said, Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h over the limit. At $12 for every m.p.h over the limit, plus $40 costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost? I replied, Taking the total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero. He handed me back my license. Math was never my favorite subject, he addmitted. Please slow down.", -"Getting a new girlfriend is like joining the Army. You get a new haircut and new clothes, and all information is given to you on a need-to-know basis.", -"Former Vice President Dan Quayle says that if you take out the profanity, the TV show The Osbounes is about good family values. You take out the profanity, and The Osbournes is about 30 seconds long.", -"Ralph was one his way home from work on night, when to his horror, he suddenly realized that he'd completely forgotten his daughter's birthday. He rushed to the toy store and asked the manager, How much is the Barbie in the window? Which one? The manager replied. We have Workout Barbie for $19.95, Malibu Barbie for $19.95, Soccer Barbie is 19.95, Cinderella Barbie $19.95, Retro '70's Barbie $19.95, and Divorced Barbie $375. Hold on, Ralph said. Why is Divorced Barbie $375 when all the other Barbies are only $19.95? Well, said the store manager. Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture.....", -"A lady walked into a bar and there were no seats available, except for one at a table that was occupied by a man, and she decides to take it. He said, Hello, my name is Jim Snow, what's yours?The women replied, June.She went to get a drink and Jim Snow sat there smiling at her. When she came back he still sat there smiling.June was a little embarrassed, so she bashfully said, Why are you smiling at me like that?Jim answered, Well, just imagine having 6 inches of Snow in June!", -What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is., -What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?A bingo machine, -"A man walked into a hotel and asked for a room. The guy behind the counter said there is only one room left but it is haunted. The man does not believe this so he gets the room. That night the man hears a voice saying I`m gonna find you, I`m gonna get you, I`m gonna eat you! The man runs away scared.The next day a father and his daughter get the room after they were warned. That night they hear I`m gonna find you, I`m gonna get you, I`m gonna eat you! The girl hides under the bed as the father follows the sound to the closet. He opens the door.There on the floor sits a little boy, picking his nose, saying I`m gonna find you, I`m gonna get you, I`m gonna eat you!", -"A man walks into a hotel and asks for a room. The guy behind the counter tells him that there is one room left but it is haunted. The man gets the room anyway. That night he hears in a soft voice If the log rolls over we`ll all die! He runs away. The next day a father and his daughter get the room after they were told that it is haunted. That night they hear If the log rolls over we`ll all die! The girl hides under the bed as the father follows the sound to the bathroom door. He opens the door. There on the ground is a bunch of ants staring at a turd saying, If the log rolls over, we'll all die!", -"A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagonload of corn. A farmer, who lived nearby, heard the noise and yelled to the boy, Hey, Willis, forget your troubles and come in for a visit. I'll help you pick the wagon up later.That's mighty nice of you, Willis answered, but Pa wouldn't like me to.Aw, come on, boy, the farmer insisted.Well, OK the boy finally agreed, but Pa won't like it.After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.Don't be foolish, the neighbor said with a smile; by the way, where is he?Under the wagon, replied the boy.", -What is the definition of wicker box?It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna., -Yo mama so dumb that she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company., -What does a Mexican firefighter name his twin sons?Jose and Josbe, -"Janet's son, Trevor, lived in Georgia with his mom. Over the summer, Trevor went to California. On his way back to home, he decided to stop at an adult video store. The manager asked if he had an account. He admitted he didn't, and asked to start one. The manager asked for his phone number and he gave it to them. The manager then replied, It says that the account is under the name of Janet.", -"George W. Bush was invited to visit the Queen of England. The Queen gets her finest horses and buggy. When Bush gets off the plane, and onto the buggy, Bush and the Queen ingage in a conversation. In the middle of their conversation, one of the horse let out a really big, really smelly fart. The Queen quickly apoligizes and says I'm sorry, theirs somethings not even a Queen can control. Bush replies Ma'am, if you wouldn't have said anything, I would have thought it was the horse.", -"Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school. Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved. Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you? his mother asked. Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!", -"A man and his wife were having some problems and giving each other the silent treatment. The man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him the next morning at 5:00 a.m, for an early flight to Chicago.Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5:00 a.m.The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.The paper said, It is 5:00 a.m. Wake up.", -"Yo momma's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this :Washington, California, Nevada, now Arizona", -"A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, I know what the Bible means! His father smiled and replied, What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, I do know! Okay, said his father. So, son, what does the Bible mean? That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'", -"A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Norfolk to Las Vegas. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The flight attendant asked, Did your mother tell you to ask me? The boy said that she had. Smiling, she then said, Tell your Mother that Southwest always pulls out on time.", -"A Buddhist and a Hindu went skydiving together. As they prepared to jump, the Buddhist said, If anything should go wrong-- Nothing will go wrong, said the Hindu. But if it does, God will save me. Not a chance, the Buddhist said, Because there IS no God. There is only your Essential Buddha Nature. The Hindu scoffed at this.The pair leaped out of the plane. Halfway down, they discovered that their parachutes wouldn't open.My God! screamed the Hindu. Save me! But he continued to plummet. Just then he heard the Buddhist say, I call upon my own Essential Buddha Nature. Immediately, a giant hand came out of nowhere, cradled the Buddhist in its palm and gently began lowering him to earth. The terrified Hindu too cried out, I call upon my own Essential Buddha Nature! With that, another giant hand appeared, cradled the Hindu in its palm and started gently lowering him to earth. Whew! That was a close one! said the Hindu, wiping the sweat from his brow. Thank God! whereupon the giant hand turned over.", -"Five cannibals were employed by Army as scouts and translators during on of the island campaigns during World War II. When the Commanding Officer ofground forces welcomed the cannibals he said, You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Soldiers are eating. But please don't indulgeyourselves by eating a Soldier. The cannibals promised.Four weeks later the CO returned and said, You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Master Sergeants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the CO left, the leader ofthe cannibals turned to the others and said, Which of you idiots ate the Master Sergeant?A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied,You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Lieutenants, Captains, andMajors and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat an NCO!", -"A man walks into a hotel and asks the man for a room. The clerk says, There's only one room left, and it's haunted.But the man says, I'll take it! That night he heard the ghost. I'm the ghost of Teeny Weenie! Stay here and I'll take your weenie! and the man ran out of the hotel as fast as he could.The next day, another man needed a room. The clerk again said, There's only one room left and it's haunted. The man said,I'll take it! That night he heard the ghost. I'm the ghost of Teeny Weenie! he chanted. Get out of bed or I'll take your weenie! and he too ran out of the hotel as fast as he could.The day after, another man came in needing a room. The clerk said for the third time, There's only one room left, and it's haunted. He said, I'll take it! That night he heard the ghost. I'm the Ghost of Teeny Weenie! Get out of bed or I'll take your weenie!The man said, Oh yeah? Well, I'm the ghost of Christmas Past, take my dick and I'll kick your ass!", -"There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.One tourist got exceedingly nervous about halfway up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, Whenever it breaks.", -"A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?Moshe replied, I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!", -"An undertaker had a busy day at work, and in front of him, was 3 new bodies that had been sent from the hospital. The first one his mouth opened wide. He then moved on to see the next body. It too had opened his mouth widely. Surprised, he went over to the last body. This body was charred and had a huge smile on his face. Feeling puzzled, he turned to ask the hospital personnel:quot; What actually happened to these people? quot;Well..quot; replied the personnel, quot;The first man died from laughing too much at a joke.quot;quot;The second man died while telling a very funny joke.quot; quot;The last man..well, he died while taking a picture. At least that was what he thought he was doing. He thought that the lightning was a camera's flash.quot;", -"Once there were twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, Hell no, in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle. The old lady fainted.", -"Once, there were three male dogs that set eyes on a beautiful female poodle. They all rushed over to her. Aware of her charms, she said, I will go out with the first one of you who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an intelligent sentence.Immediately the Lab said, I like liver and cheese.No imagination at all, said the poodle.Next was the muscular Rottweiler, who blurted, I hate liver and cheese.That's worse than the Lab, she replied. Finally a tiny Chihuahua smiled at his opponents, gave the poodle a knowing wink, and said, Liver alone, cheese mine.", -"This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, Did you hear that Fluffy died? The guy stumbles around and says, Um.. no.. um.. what happened? The neighbor replies, We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!", -"A young woman goes shopping and buys one bar of soap, one yogurt, one microwave dinner for one, one apple, and a romance novel. She goes to the checkout stand, where she notices that the clerk is staring at her. Flattered, she flutters her eyelashes and giggles nervously. He says, Single, huh?She replies coyly, How did you guess?Because, he says, You're ugly.", -"Yo momma is like a Nascar race car, she burns rubber everynight!", -Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?A. They have shaky hands!, -"Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right', he said dejectedly.That's a silly old romantic notion, laughed the coed. I'm just waiting for 'Mr. Big'.", -"Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,I need to get up and get a beer.Don't get up, said the American, I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you. As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, That looks good, I'd really like one, too. Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it too. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and realized immediately what had happened. Why does it have to be this way? he asked, How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes, pissing in beers?", -"One day Jim, a duck, was swimming in a pond when he came up to another duck and asked What are doing? Blowing bubbles, she replied. Jim met 3 more ducks and they all said the same thing. When Jim came up to a 5th duck he said Let me guess, you're blowing bubbles? No, said the duck, I am Bubbles!", -"If there are 12 cats on a fence and 1 cat jumps off, how many are left?None, they're all copycats!", -"Yo momma cooks so bad, your family prays after they eat!", -"There were three midgets. Each one wanted to win a world record. The first midget went in to the place for world records and said I want to see if I have the worlds smallest hands. He came happy and said i got the record. So the second one goes in and says I want to see if I can get the record for the worlds smallest feet. He came out all happy and said i got the record. Then the last one goes in and said I want to see if I have the worlds smallest penis. He came out all sad and said, Who the in the hell Michael Jackson?!", -Yo Momma so hairy . . . . . she has to have a hair trapper in her kitchen sink., -"Yo momma is so fat I had to take five trains, eight cars, and twelve airplanes just to get around her!", -"1. Say Darn, officer you must have been going fast to catch up with me.2. When he approaches you, look at his gut and say, Hmmm, I thought officers were supposed to be physically fit.3. Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him fromprojectile vomiting.4. Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.5. Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to go fetch it.6. Ask if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.7. Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but I decided to graduate high school.8. When he asks you to walk the line Riverdance instead.9. Instead of pleading with the 5th amendment, plead with the 13th or 16th.10. When he asks for your license, say, Oh, sure, officer, could you hold my beer for a sec?", -"The slick defense lawyer was drilling the star witness, in an attempt to ruffle the mans feathers, and secure his own case. He began egging him on.You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background the lawyer sneered.The witness replied,If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment.", -"There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do? And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!", -"Three boys are walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is just looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out, I am the ghost of Auntie Mabel and this five dollars stays on the table!The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again.The third boy goes in, sees the five dollars and cries out, I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!", -Three ants went to the beach to swim.Two jumped directly in the water.The other went back home and after an hour returned.Why?She forgot her swimming suit!!, -"Danny, asked Mrs Waters, What's usually used as a conductor of electricity?Why- er...Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?The what??That's absolutely right. The watt.", -"A white man, a Cuban, and a Mexican, are all sitting at a bar when the Mexican throws a taco out the window.The white man asks, Why'd you throw that taco out? The Mexican replies, Where I come from we have a lot of those.Next the Cuban throws some weed out the window. The Mexican asks, Why'd you throw that weed out? The Cuban replies, Where I come from we have a lot of that...Suddenly the white man throws the Mexican out the window. The Cuban, shocked, asks, Why'd you throw him out the window?! The white man answers, Well..where I come from we have A LOT of those.", -Knock Knock.Who's there? Ketchup. Ketchup who?Ketchup to ya later!, -How many cats does it take to screw in a light bulb?None. Cats can't hold a light bulb, -Yo momma's so fat that a car hit her and she turned around and said Hey! Who threw that rock!, -Knock Knock.Who's there?To. To who? To you., -How do you titillate an ocelot?Oscillate its tit a lot!, -"There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.", -Yo momma's so stupid...She site on the T.V and watches the couch., -"Yo mama is so fat, she's the reason they declared world hunger.", -Yo mama is like a hockey player. She doesn't change her pad for three periods., -"Yo momma is so fat, that every time you smack her butt, you can ride the waves!", -"A teacher asked her children just before they were about to leave class for Mass, And why is it necessary to be quiet during Mass? One bright little girl replied, Because people are sleeping.", -"A girl went to a dentist to have her teeth filled. The dentist asked, What kind of fillings do you want? White or silver? The girl replied, Chocolate fillings.", -"Two muffins were sitting next to each other, in an oven, as they were being cooked. One muffin turned to the other muffin, and said, Man, it's hot in here. Then the other muffin turned to the first muffin and screamed, AHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!", -"This is a true story that happened in a South African hospital.There was this case in the hospital where a patient always died in the same bed and on a Friday morning regardless of his medical condition. This puzzles the doctors and some even think it has something to do with the supernatural. One day, all the doctors decide to go down to the ward where it always happens on the Friday mornings. They want to take a look at what's going on. Friday morning comes and everyone's at the hospital ward waiting for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. Right at the expected time, the cleaner comes in and unplugs the life support system so that she can use the vacuum!", -One to his friend:My little brother started walking last week!The other friend:Where did he go? He should be kilometers away!, -"A teacher asked his student:Give me an example of 6 animals.The student:3 Lions, 2 Tigers , and 1 Cheetah !", -"One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.Son, you've just witnessed a miracle! the priest said. Tell me, where is this man now?Flat on his butt over by the holy water! the boy informed him.", -"A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I soldthe apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.", -"Einstein dies and goes to heaven, only to be informed, that his room is not yet ready. I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do, and you will have to share the room with others. he is told by the doorman. Einstein says, This is no problem at all, and there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter, and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. See, here is your first roommate. He has an IQ of 180! That's wonderful! says Albert. We can discuss mathematics! And here is your second roommate. His IQ is 150! That's wonderful! says Albert. We can discuss physics! And here is your third roommate. His IQ is 100! That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater! Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. I'm your last roommate, and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80. Albert smiles back at him and says, So, where do you think the stock market is heading?", -"A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and a free pen for the rower. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program. The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.", -"Authentic Claims from a Car Insurance agency...The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road.I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time.I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind.On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way.On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by my arms and the first slapped me several times across the face. I kneed the man in the groin but didn't connect properly so I kicked him in the shin.The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.", -"Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!", -"There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friend's mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritis. Well The friend said to the first guy... That's not so bad... The first guy turns to him and says Yea, That's what you think. I know those Ritis boys and Art is the worst one!", -"The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers? her husband demanded. Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any. The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, For the sake of decency, here's £30. Go and buy yourself some underwear.Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?She replies, I can't afford any on the money you give me.He reaches into his pocket and says, For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?She too explains, You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.", -"The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.Now, said the teacher, can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. To make the gravy, came her reply.", -"A lawyer died, and at the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven together. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a kosher TV dinner, but the lawyer receives a five-course meal including caviar, prime rib and chocolate truffles.By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything.The angel replied, No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had.", -What kind of flashlight do blonds use? The solar powered kind!, -Yo mama so fat she can give the homeless a home., -"I slide to first.I feel like I'm going to burst.Diarrhea, diarrhea.I slide to two.My pants are filled with goo.Diarrhea, diarrhea.I slide to third.I dropped a runny turd.Diarrhea, diarrhea.I slide to home.My pants are filled with foam.Diarrhea, diarrhea.First its in the pants, then its on the floor.I make a 20 yard dash to the bathroom door.Some people think its funny.Its coming out back runny.Well, diarrhea.", -"A nurse dies and goes to heaven. She is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who asks her questions about her life. Over St. Peter's shoulder the nurse spots a man in a white coat sitting on a cloud with a stethoscope around his neck.Oh brother! she cries. Is that a doctor?St Peter glances over his shoulder and says, No, that's God. He just thinks he's a doctor.", -"1. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento. 2. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle. 3. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters. 4. With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn't come in different colors with little M's on them. 5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 6. Directions to your doctor's office include, Take a left when you enter the trailer park. 7. Your kidney transplant surgery is held up while your surgeon awaits his arrangement for grave robbing. 8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming. 9. Only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter. 10. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is an apple a day. 11. The Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges is not a typo.12. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.", -Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?, -"Dear God:Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?Dear God:When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch...or is it going to be the same old story?Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?Dear God:If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?Dear God:We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?Dear God:More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.Dear God:When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?Dear God:Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?", -"Dear God:Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.3. I will not munch on leftovers in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.5. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'11. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.13. I will not throw up in the car.14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.16. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.And, finally, my last question.......Dear God:When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?", -"A little girl learned in school, that instead of words, pictures and symbols would be drawn to indicate something if words weren't understood.Later that day, she needed to go into the bathroom, looked at two pictures, and went in one. A teacher asked her, Why did you go into the boys' bathroom? She answered, The picture showed a person wearing pants, and I'm wearing pants. The other picture showed someone wearing a dress, and I'm not.", -"Some friends were on vacation in Maine, and while watching fireworks heard their small son say, Oh, God! The father quickly cautioned his son, Please don't speak the Lord's name in vain. The boy nodded but obviously mis-heard, because he asked quietly, Is it OK if I speak his name back in Minnesota?", -And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?, -AA and AA, -"A lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost. Give me a chance to show you what I can do, says the skinny guy. Okay, see that giant redwood over there? says the head lumberjack. Take your axe and cut it down.The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door. I cut the tree down, says the guy. The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, Where did you learn to chop down trees like that? In the Sahara Forest, says the puny man. You mean the Sahara Desert, says the lumberjack. Sure......!! That's what they call it now!", -"A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. Is this yours? he asked. She said, Yes, could you bring it up? and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you like to join me? He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night? The man hesitated then said, Do you act like this with every man you meet? No, she replied, Only those who catch my eye.", -"Two women came before King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. This young man agreed to marry my daughter, said one. No! He agreed to marry my daughter! said the other.And so, they haggled before the king until he called for silence. Bring me my biggest sword, he said, and I shall cut the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.Sounds good to me, said the first woman. But the other woman said, Oh sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.The wise king did not hesitate a moment. The young man shall marry the first woman's daughter, he proclaimed. But she was willing to cut him in two! exclaimed the king's court.Indeed, said King Solomon, that shows that she is indeed the true mother-in-law.", -"A woman, who had just been married to a gambling man, had learned upon marrying him that he always came home well after midnight. She didn't like this one bit, and no amount of reasoning with him would make him miss a night out with the guys, so every night for a week she would stay up till he came home, and when she heard him enter the house she would call out:Is that you, Ben?She did this for a week, and then he started coming home promptly at 7:00 every night. Why, you might ask?His name was Jacob.", -"A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. Look at their reserve, their calm, muses the Brit. They must be British. Nonsense, the Frenchman disagrees. They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French. No clothes, no shelter, the Russian points out, they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.", -"A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice...I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit.", -"Two guys were working at a sawmill one day, when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. Incredible! says his friend. Medical science is amazing. Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. Incredible! says his friend. Medical science is amazing! Well, another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well, his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday. The doctor thinks for a minute and says, Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.", -"One day little Billy was walking past his mother's room when he heard strange noises. He opened thecracked the door, and looked in. He saw his mother laying naked on the bed rubbing her hands all over her body moaning I need a man! I need a man! A couple of days later as he walked past her room he heard the noises again so he looked into her room and saw his mother laying naked on the bed rubbing her hands all over her body moaning I need a man! I need a man! A few days later as he walked past her room he heard some more strange noises coming from her room, so he looked in again. This time he saw his mother laying naked on the bed with a naked man laying on top of her. So he ran to his room, took off all his clothes, hopped into bed and started rubbing his hands all over his body moaning I need a new bike! I need a new bike!", -"Molly wrote a letter to Santa Claus one day.Dear Santa, Please give me a Workout Barbie and a new milkman because he is sleeping with Mommy. Love, Molly", -"Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I'd be staying to see if they had a gym. The hotel receptionist's sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it when she answered. We have over 300 guests at at this facility she said. Does this 'Jim' have a last name?", -"A rich guy was looking for excitement so he decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad said, I will give $10,000 to any person that can make my elephant jump.So the next day, people came from all over the world to try to get this elephant to jump. There were even hypnotists who tried, but no one could get that elephant to jump.Then a guy drives up in a blue Corvette and said, Are you the guy with the ad? The rich guy replied yes. Then the guy asked, Is that your elephant? Yes. The rich man replies. Then theguy went back to his car.He returned with a 2 by 4. He walked behind the elephant and hit the elephant right in his balls! That elephant jumped a good 8 feet in the air. The rich guy, amazed, handed him the $10,000. The guy then got in his Corvette and drove off.The next week the rich guy decides to put another ad in the paper. The ad said, I will give anyone $20,000 to make my elephant turn his head from side to side. The man had seen his elephant's head move up and down but never from side to side.People come from all over the world to try to get this elephant to make his head turn from side to side. No one could do it. When everyone left, the same guy in the same Corvette drives up.He walked up to the elephant and said, Do you remember me? The elephant nodded his head up and down. Then the man asked, Do you want me to do it again? The elephant then shook his headfrom side to side frantically.", -"A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' mother-fuckers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.Thirty minutes later the gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.Is your bet still good? asks the Irishman.The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes?The Irishman replies, Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.", -"Most people assume WWJD is for What would Jesus do? But the initials really stand for What would Jesus drive?One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast.Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, For I did not speak of my own Accord... Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills. Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler...Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land.And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... The Apostles were in one Accord.!!", -"Three guys are in an bar sitting around a log fire with their dogs and get to talkin' about them. First one says, My dog is called Woodworker. Go Woodworker! The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and fashions a beautiful figurine.Next one says, My dog is called Stoneworker. Go Stoneworker! The dog drags a rock from the fire front and creates a beautiful carving.Third one says, My dog is called Iron Worker. He puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot.Now, he says, I'll just touch him on the nose and you watch him make a bolt for the door.", -"Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school a couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school every day. He wanted to be like the big boys. He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?Timmy nonchalantly replied, Yeah, I know who she is.The little friend said, Well who is she?That's just Shirley Goodnest, Timmy said. Shirley Goodnest!? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?Well, Timmy explained, every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it.", -"A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore, says the first golfer.That's funny replies the second, you had plenty of time to yell 'SHIT!'", -"Yo momma's so fat, she has to go on three weight loss systems.", -Sometimes people with a lot of cents have little sense., -Yo Mama so fat that she bent over and got arrested for selling crack., -"Yo momma's so tall, she did a cartwheel and hit Jesus.", -Yo mama is so fat she has to get baptized in Sea World., -"One day God said that he would grant anyone in line a wish. This one guy got stuck at the back of the line, which made him kind of upset.The people before him went on through the line, and everybody wished that they could be beautiful. The last guy came up to God and said, I wish that all the people that wished they were beautiful were ugly again.The next time that you're last in line - be happy.", -"A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.You will understand, he said, the seal of the confessional can never be broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer! Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people.Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish, said the politician. In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession.", -"An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem. I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure! the excited scientist exclaimed.Abe replied, Bring him in. We'll check it out.A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'.", -"Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.Sid, asked Al, Are there any Jews in China?I don't know, Sid replied. Why don't we ask the waiter?When the waiter came by, Al said, Are there any Chinese Jews?I don't know sir, let me ask, the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.He quickly returned and said, No, sir. No Chinese Jews.Are you sure? Al asked.I will check again, sir. the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.While he was still gone, Sid said, I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.When the waiter returned he said, Sir, no Chinese Jews.Are you really sure? Al asked again. I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.Sir, I ask everyone, the waiter replied exasperated. We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!", -What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?A FUNNY BUNNY!, -Yo Momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has 2 jobs., -"A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, You must be a dentist. The guy, surprised, says Yes....how did you figure that out? Easy, she replied, you keep washing your hands. One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, You must be a good dentist. The guy, now with a boosted ego says, Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out? Didn't feel a thing!", -"In biology class the teacher asks, Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat? Little Johnny raises his hand. Go ahead, Little Johnny. My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder. That's terrible, Little Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head? Again Little Johnny raises his hand. We'll give you another chance. My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock.", -"Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other saying, Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age; how do you feel? Slim says, I feel just like a new born babe. Rather amazed at this reply, Slim's co-worker repeats his statement back in the form of a question, Really? A new born babe? Yup, grins Slim, No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants.", -"The Officer says, I clocked you at 80 mph, sir. The driver says, Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating. Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says sweetly, Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control. As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, Can't you keep your mouth shut for once? The wife smiles demurely and says, You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did. As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, Dammit woman, can't you keep your mouth shut? The officer frowns and says, And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. The driver says, Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. The wife says, Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving. And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking.", -"A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. Amazing! the preacher says. Look what God and you have accomplished together!Yes, Reverend, says the farmer, but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!", -Q:What do you call a 300-pound stripper?A:broke, -Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!, -"One time there were three guys sitting at a bar. One was stupid, one was pretty smart, and the third was very intelligent. Well, they were sitting at the bar and the pretty smart one says that they should go on a deer hunt. I'll go first, says the smart one. Later the man comes back with a big deer. The two other men ask how he got such a deer. I just followed some tracks, kept on going, then BAM! I found my self a deer! says the man. So the pretty smart one goes after that. He comes back later and the two men still at the bar asked how he got the deer. He replies the same way the smart man replied. Next goes the stupid one. About thirty minutes passed and he came back looking beat up. The men at the bar rushed over and started to question him how he got his injuries.Well, he says, I followed some tracks, and I looked up and there was this big light. It came rushing toward me, with steam puffing out. Then, before I knew it... BAM!", -"A sophisticated lady went into an expensive restaurant. Before sitting, she asked her waiter, Do you serve crabs here, sir?The waiter replied, Yes ma'am, we serve anybody in here. Please have a seat.", -"Two English guys were in the middle of the scorching desert with no food or water. They both decide to stop and have a rest in the sand. Then one guy has a genius idea. The guy says, I support Liverpool football team, so I'll eat the liver of my camel!The second guys says, I support Arsenal football club, but I'm not that hungry!", -My survey which I conducted said that 8 out of 4 people don't understand fractions., -Knock Knock!Who's there?Who!Who who?You must have the stammers!, -"Yo momma so fat, her bungee cord has to be hooked onto Mars.", -"Yo momma so fat, she makes Godzilla look like a pocket dragon.", -"Yo momma so fat, she's the founder of Button Poppers Anonymous.", -"Yo momma is so fat, she has to iron her clothes on the street.", -"There are two fat guys in a bar, one of the guys, puts his empty glass on the bar and says, your round, the other guy says, so are you, you fat basted!", -"A South African, an Australian and an Englishman are all drinking in a bar. Suddenly, the South African downs the remainder of his drink, tosses his glass in the air, draws his pistol and shoots the glass.In South Africa our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same ones twice, he says proudly.The Australian, who is obviously impressed by this, downs his drink, tosses his glass, draws his gun and shoots the glass.In Australia we've got so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink from the same ones twice, he says.The Englishman pauses to give this some thought, then downs his drink, casually tosses his glass into the air, draws his gun, and shoots the South African and the Australian.In England we have so many South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice, he says.", -"1. Laugh hysterically and for no reason.2. Pretend you holding something like a small knife and swing at the air as if you are trying to cut something. If someone asks, say you were misinterpreted or deny the whole thing.3. Wear headphones everywhere you go, leaving the plug dangling out, easily seen, and then stationary knod, as if to a beat. Pretend not to hear anyone unless they touch you to get you attention. Periodically forget to take off headphones when you are touched and act confused when you cannot hear them.4. Sit in front of a library computer and twitch your eyelid for 20 seconds, the get up and browse the fiction E section. Repeat.5. Sit in front of a public computer on Windows 95, 98, or 2000. Click the start button. Click it again ... and again. After clicking it for about 10 minutes, declare that you need another computer because your start button is broken. When someone proves it is not broken, say Black magic!! You all use black magic!! Quicly grab a sheet of paper, draw the apple logo on it, hold it up and shout CURSED DEMONS OF THE DARK, BEGONE!!! Then return to your normal affairs as if you never clicked the start button.6. Carry an egg with you. If anyone says the word egg, or asks about the egg, jump in place and pretend it was never said.7. Ask a person at a library information desk how to calibrate an OMG to an SOL when the OMG's GD is set up to accept SOBs. Bother the person relentlessly about this question, arguing that the person must have that information, being at the information desk. Complain to the library on the desk worker's inefficiency to answer questions.8. Go to a games hobby store. Ask them if they have... suddenly forget the name, then remember it has 'Robo or Legend in it's name or something.' Let the fun begin.9. Go to a Radioshack and relive the mind-messing. When they ask for your name, say 'Toggattoobee,' but spell it with random letters, with 3 or 4 consonants together. When they ask for address, say something along the lines of:Kshl Goprktol98w0Z D. Squidhoarder GorgePopsicscarn, 5Y, 45r1-x3k10. Sit on a bench with an R/C toy car remote. Pretend to control people walking by. Make loud engine and tire squealing noises.11.Tell your friend you are going to do a great magic trick. Give him the three of Diamonds, face up, from the deck. shuffle the deck. guess that your friend has the 96 of Purple. Then guess the S of Mushrooms. Then guess the Prince of Wales. Then ask for his card. Look at it for awhile, then give up and say you didn't like the trick anyway.12. Buy those bead kits where you make animals, santa claus, etc. Make them. Always carry at least one with you. Whenever you see a certain person, such as a roommate or sibling, whisper nasty gossip to the bead object, but not so loud as so the person can hear. Make sure to eye that person paranoidally.13.Buy 1 of every nightlight you can find. Say you are starting a collection. After 3 weeks, rip the decorative fronts, covers, or outsides of the nightlights. When someone asks, say you'll get back to him on that, then hastily throw them all away. Deny their existence and all knowledge you have of them.14. Fill a garbage bag full of leaves. Dump them in a pile on your roommate's bed. Play in it. Comment on the beautiful foliage.15.Ask someone why they hate you. Pretend you never asked.16. Right here! All purpose illogical things to say! Use them:To answer a questionSuddenly for no reasonTo interrupt a conversationAnd to always, always pretend you never said it. So here we go!I got it! Suddenly it is so clear!You know, I always will regret doing that.When a Rubik's Cube is broken, and nobody is around to fix it, do I care?Fub!Nuk!Twee!Gan!Fireman Jellyfish.What? What? What? What? What? I wonder what it's like to be a slice of cheese.Yes. I mean no. I mean... Maybe.17. Use the 'Confused Idiot' method. Say things that might seem in context, but obviously aren't.18. Buy a computer. Leave it on when you aren't using it. Turn it off when you are.19.Ask someone why the hell they ate your nachos, even though you ever had any nachos. Explain you will not leave him/her alone until he/she admits it. Follow that person everywhere. Always talk about the nachos. Guarranteed to make them admit or get a restraining order.", -"Your mama's so old, she farted and dust came out.", -"Your mama's so ugly, she stuck her face out the window and cops pulled her over for mooning.", -"Yo Momma is so fat she put on a red coat, walked outside, and everyone started yelling, Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid", -"A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.At the first house a woman complained, I've been a little sick to my stomach.The older doctor said, Well, you've probably beenoverdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?As they left the younger man said, You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.Huh, the younger doctor said. Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. I'm feeling terribly run down lately.You've probably been doing too much work for the church, the younger doctor told her. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.", -"A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M Ms. When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away. What did you do that for? he asked her. I'm allergic to chocolate! she replied.", -Hey! I recognize you! You're the third one over on the evolutionary scale!, -Q. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs?A. Because you might step in a poodle., -"If brains were fuel, you wouldn't have enough to power an ant's motorcycle around the edge of a penny.", -Why didn't the zombie cross the road?Because he didn't have the guts!, -"Yo momma's so fat when she stepped on the scale she said, Wow, that's my phone number!", -"Yo momma is so fat, when she stepped on a dollar she made change.", -"Yo momma's so fat, she has more rolls than the bakery shop!", -"Knock knockWho's there ?ScoldScold who ?Scold out here, let me in!", -"A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.Nothing easier, Twain replied. No man can serve two masters.", -What do you call frozen blonds?Frosted Flakes!, -"There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman stranded on an island. They see a cave up ahead. The Englishman goes in and sees some toast on a rock. He goes over to it but then a voice comes.Dont eat the toast, the voice shouts.The Englishman runs out.The Scotsman walks in and sees the toast as well, the voice comes back.Don't eat the toast. The Scotsman thinks it's his imagination but then he hears it again,Don't eat the toast, says the voice,the Scotsman runs out. The Irishman wondering what's going on, goes inside. He hears the voice once, thinks nothing of it. He hears the voice again, still he ignores it. He picks up the toast and eats it. The voice shouts,I warned you once, I warned you twice, I wiped my arse upon the slice.", -"A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand.Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters.", -"A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. Why do you buy them then? he asks puzzled. The old lady answers, We just love the chocolate around them!", -"A Sunday school teacher said to her children, We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is? One child blurted out, Aces!", -"A Sunday school teacher asked, Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark? No, replied Johnny. How could he, with just two worms?", -"The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING, he announced triumphantly, and she turned into a telephone pole!", -Yo momma so dumb she thought a quarterback was a refund!, -"Little Bonnie became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?", -"Feeling edgy, a woman took a hot bath. Just as she got comfortable, the doorbell rang. She got out, wrapped herself in a towel, and went to the door.A salesman wanted to know if she needed any brushes. She slammed the door in his face and returned to her bath.The doorbell rang again. She got out, wrapped herself in a towel, slipped on a wet spot, and hit her back against the tub.She struggled into her street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.After examining her, the doctor said, Nothing's broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you just go home and take a nice hot bath?", -"You Just Might Be A Redneck If...You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. Jack Daniels makes your list of Most Admired People. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, Hey, y'all watch this!You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, Gentlemen, start your engines.The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. One of your kids was born on a pool table. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You can't get married to your sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.You dated one of your parents' current spouse in high school. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your school fight song is Dueling Banjos. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.", -"THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases.Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.___________________________________________Still think you're having a bad day?A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, sheonce again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.______________________________________________Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both._____________________________________________Still think you are having a bad day?A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handyplank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman._______________________________________________STILL think you're having a bad day?Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.____________________________________________What?! STILL having a bad day??Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with return to sender stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?", -"I was looking at this parked, motorized wheelchair once, and I noticed that it had a dial on it to control it's speed. At one end there was a turtle, and at the other end there was a rabbit. I just assumed at first that the turtle was representing the slower speed, and that the rabbit was for the faster speed, but then I remembered who won when those two animals raced.I think that it would be cool if cars used this same system too. You know, you get pulled over by a police officer and he says to you Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you were speeding? We had you clocked on our radar at going 'Rabbit' and I'm sure that you know the posted speed limit here is only 'Raccoon'. Now we'll just let you off with a warning this time since you were only going a 'hare' over the speed limit.", -Why is it so hard to make a blond snowman???Because you have to hollow out its head!!!!!, -Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing., -"Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a season when neither the Browns nor the Steelers made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. So on a cold freezing day on Lake Erie they began their contest. The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Browns had caught 0 fish and the Steelers had 100. At the end of the 2nd day the Browns had caught 0 fish and the Steelers 200. That evening the Browns coach got his team together and said, I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place. So the next morning, he dressed one of his players in black and yellow and sent him over to the Steelers camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked, Well, how about it, are they cheating? They sure are! the player reported, They're cutting holes in the ice.", -"1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.5. I will not eat the cat's food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.7. I will not throw up in the car.8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.9. Kitty box crunchies , although they are tasty, are not food.10 I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit thim in the backyard after processing.11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them!13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.15. We do not have a doorbell, I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with them.17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom dad's laps.18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches for mom's driver's license and car registration.20.I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage and walk around with a string hanging out of my butt.22. I will not use roll around in the dirt as an option after just getting a bath.23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.30. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with her and she makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.", -"This man goes to confession and says, Forgive me father, for I have sinned. The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins, and the man replies that he used the F-word over the weekend.The priest says, Oh, okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the F-word. The priest sighs and tells him to continue.Well, father, I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.The priest says, And you got upset over that, and swore? The man replied, No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees.The priest said, And that's when you swore. The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree. The priest asked, Is that when you said the 'F-word'? The man replied, No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away. The priest let out a breath and queried, Is that when you swore?The man replied, No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole. The priest screamed, Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!", -"Three men die and go to hell. There is a white guy, a Polish guy, and a black guy. The devil makes a deal with the three men. He tells them if they can stand on his hand for 10 days without melting he will give them their lives back. So the three men agree to the deal and stand on his hand. After only 2 days the white guy melts and after the 4th day the Polish guy melts also. The devil thinks this is going to be a piece of cake. Two down and one to go, he tells the black man. But after 10 days the black man is still standing strong. The devil asks him how this is possible and the man replies, Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand.", -What do you call a black person that wants to be and acts just like Jackie Chan? Blackie Chan, -"A proud elderly gentleman was in the hospital for a series of tests because his bodily functions were extremely disrupted.During the night he made several trips to the bathroom because he thought he had to go to the bathroom. After failing to go several times he finally decided to just ignore it.When he awoke later in the night he found his bed full of diarrhea. Being too proud to admit he just relieved himself in his own bed he carefully took the sheets and tossed them out the window.However, while this was going on, a drunk was stumbling home in the darkness. Before he can figure out what's happening, the soiled sheets come down on him. He kicks and punches the sheets trying to get them off of him. A security guard runs up and asks what the heck is going on.The drunk replies, I don't know what happened, but I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.", -"A man was riding in a cab one day when he decided to tap the cab driver on the shoulder to request an alternate route.The cab driver screams his head off and loses control of the cab, causing it to slam into a lightpost.After checking themselves out the man says, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were so jumpy.To which the cab driver replies, It's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver after driving a hearse for 10 years.", -"You know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise MEN, don't you?The three wise WOMEN would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the Baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and given practical gifts.", -"There were 3 ants in a house. They all had to decide where they wanted to sleep. One ant decides to sleep in the cabinet, one in the cookie jar, and one in the toilet.The next morning they all woke up and meet on the stove top to ask each other how their sleep was. The one who slept in the cabinet said his was hot. The one who slept in the cookie jar said his was sweet! The one that slept in the toilet said that First it got dark, then it rained, a big gust of wind came, and if it wasn't for that big log.....I would have drowned!!!", -"The Russians were called Reds, a long while ago. So a war general named Rudolf walks into a bakery. The baker starts talking about owning a reindeer. He starts asking questions about it to the general. When the baker gets home, he tells his wife, Rudolf the Red knows reindeer!", -Why did the teacher have to put on her glasses during class?Because the kids were to bright!, -Why don't crabs share?Because there shelfish!, -What is the name of the baseball player who sits under a tree?Babe Root!, -"A friend of mine spent two hours in the salon getting her hair colored, cut, and blow dried. After all that, was it too much to ask to be treated like Cinderella at the ball? Yet when she went to the desk to pay, the receptionist said to her, Hello, madam, who is your appointment with today?", -"How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?You'll never know because when you turn on the light, they scatter!", -Knock-Knock.Who's there?Sara.Sara who?Sara doctor in the house?!, -A man walked into a bar... and it hurt!, -Why is Michael Jackson dating twenty-eight year olds? The answer is:Because there's twenty of them!, -What is Tarzan's favorite Christmas song?Jungle Bells!, -What does the turtle do in the Olympics?The hurdle run!, -Why did the elephant call the locksmith? Because he lost his keys in his trunk!, -How do turtles talk to each other?Shellphones!, -How do you get a mouse to smile?Say Cheese!, -"Which is faster, hot or cold?Hot, because you can catch a cold!", -What did the cop say to the bad popcicle?Freeze!, -Why couldn't G-Unit take the bus?They only had 50 cent!, -What is a vampire's favorite holiday?Fangs-giving!, -"Sven and Ole are visiting a relative in Texas. While walking along the street, they see a sign on a store front which reads:Suits $5.00 eachShirts $2.00 eachTrousers $2.50 per pairSven says to his pal, Hey Ole! We could buy a whole lot of dem and ven ve get back to Minnesota, ve could sell them and make a fortune.Now ven ve go into the shop, yust let me do all da talkin' cause if dey hear your Minnesota accent dey might tink ve are dumb Norwegians and try ta raise da price - but I can speak with a perfect Texas drawl.They go in, and Sven drawls out an order of 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pair of trousers at $2.50 each.The owner of the shop says You're Norwegians from Minnesota, aren't you?Uff da! says a surprised Sven. How'd you know dat?The owner says, Because this is a dry-cleaners.", -"One Monday morning, a mailman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approached one of the homes, Bob, a homeowner, was coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party this weekend, the mailman commented. Bob replied, We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over and things got a bit wild. We got so drunk that we started playing 'Who Am I?' How do you play that? the mailman asked.Bob continued, Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our units showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is. The mailman laughed and said, I'm sorry I missed that. Probably a good thing you did, Bob responded, Your name was guessed four or five times.", -What did the cat say to the other cat on the phone?Can you hear me-ow?, -"Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. What's the story this time, Hughie? he asked sarcastically. Let's hear a good excuse for a change.Wee Hughie sighed, Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office.You'll have to do better than that. Hughie, said his boss, disappointed. No woman can be ready in ten minutes.", -"It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant? Jimmy replied, I got him from the church.And why did you take him?With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.", -Which sea will make you go ape?The Chimpansea., -If you invited all the alphabet to tea who would be late?The letters 'UVWXYZ' because they all come after 'T'., -"What do you call an alien with no ears?Anything you like, he can't hear you.", -What do you call a horse that escaped from jail?A Zebra., -What is a cat's favourite exercise?Puss-Ups!, -What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly?A Bearacuda., -Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?, -"Everyone has a photographic memory, you just don't have any film.", -All believers in telekinesis raise my hand!, -"I couldn't fix your brakes, so instead I made your horn louder.", -"Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?", -If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an MM, -Wear tank tops and support your right to bare arms., -"Strategic responses to the ever-dangerous Do I look Fat question:No, not to Stevie Wonder.No babe, you're not fat, you're fluffy.Does this tie make me look stupid?No hablo ingles.If I answer that question, my life will be in danger.Let me jog around to your front and take a look.No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains.May I consult a lawyer before answering that?Look at your belt size honey, if it says 'equator' on the tag you know the answer.", -"A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, That's about average down home, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy.Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of WOW! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you; so how much does he weigh now?The proud father answers, Seventeen pounds.The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, Had him circumcised.", -"What do Micheal Jackson and a PS2 have in common?They're both plastic, can be black or white and can be turned on by children.", -"Knock-Knock.Who's there?Avon Lady, your door bell is broken.", -Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!, -"Yo mama so fat people jog around her instead of the block, for a LONGER run!", -"1st SLAP Our ship has just lost 82% of its power, our captain's head fused with plexiglass and we have an eleven minute window to escape certain death. Let's go to bed together. 2nd SLAP The evil bad guy, who has demonstrated Superman-like strength, has just killed two of our crew. Let's split up and walk aimlessly through the ship looking for him. 3rd SLAP I just found an unknown, odd, bizarrely pulsating alien object. I'm gonna open it up and stick my hand in it to see what happens. 4th SLAP We just picked you up from an abandoned moon in deep space and you can read my mind, which no other human being has ever been able to do. Neat. Let's go to bed. 5th SLAP We are a medical rescue ship with a crew of six with only six 'jump pods' so if we ever actually rescued anyone, we wouldn't be able to actually bring them home. SLAP!!!!!!!!!!!", -"Sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona 1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 2. Form a loose grip. 3. Keep your head down. 4. Avoid a quick back swing. 5. Stay out of the water. 6. Try not to hit anyone. 7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you. 8. Don't stand directly in front of others. 9. Quiet please...while others are preparing to go. 10. Don't take extra strokes. Well done - Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.", -"An Irish man walks out of a bar..............Hey, It could happen", -"One day in heaven, George Bush saw Moses walked up to him. When he tried to say hi Moses ran off. The next day George Bush saw Moses again. He then tried to say hi, but he sped off again. The next day when George Bush saw Moses he asked him. How come every time i try to say hi to you, you run off?Moses replied, Last time I saw a bush, I was stuck in the desert for 40 years.", -I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!, -"THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK 1. I can see your point, but I still think you are full of shit.2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.3. How about never? Is NEVER good for you?4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.10. Ahhh....I see the screw-you fairy has visited us again.11. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.12. I'm already visualizing the duct-tape over your mouth.13. Thank you. We're challenged by your unique point of view.14. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.17. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?18. Do I look like a people person?19. This isn't an office, it's HELL with fluorescent lighting.20. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.21. If I throw a stick, will you leave?22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.23. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.24. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?26. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.27. Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done.28. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 29. Oh I get it...like humour...but different.", -"A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed, andwhispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did as he was told and returned to his class.Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate, only to find him sitting at his desk, with his penis hanging out. I thought I told you to call your mom! she said. I did, he said, And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school. KIDS, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???", -"During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises Remote controls in hotels are the worst! An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects -- while you slept!Annually you will shake hands with 6 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.Annually you will shake hands with 11 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.In a lifetime 22 nosey workmen doing work in your home, will have examined the contents of your dirty laundry basket. We won't even go into guestssnooping in your medicine cabinet.At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests. Mouth herpes.Daily you will breathe in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY!", -"CowsIs it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they can track her calves to their stalls.But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.", -"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.", -"1. George Washington isn't the first president. He was the first elected president. 2. Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women. 3. It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidently planted by squirrels who bury nuts and forget where they hid them. 4. Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel,Gadsby, which contains over 50,000 words--none of them with the letter E. 5. Of all the words in the English laguage, the word set has the most definitions. 6. A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans. 7. Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States. 8. The sun is 330,330 times larger than the Earth. 9. A mole can dig 300 feet in just one night. 10. Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone. 11. A hippo can open it's mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside. 12. A quarter has 119 grooves on it's edge, a dime has one less groove. 13. A humming bird weighs less than a penny. 14. Until 1796 there was a state in the United States called Franklin. Today it is known as Tennessee. 15. The earth weighs 6,588,000,000,000,000,000.000.000 tons. 16. A cockroach can live several weeks with it's head cut off. 17. The most used letter in the English alphabet is E, and Q is used the least. 18. There are more than 50,000 earthquakes throughout the world every year. 19. The original name for the butterfly is Flutterby. 20. Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or left handed...or is that paws. ? 21. The opposite side of cubed dice always add up to seven. 22. Nose prints are used to identify dogs, just like humans use fingerprints. 23. Bulls are color blind, therefore will usually charge at a matadore's waving cape no matter what color it is --be it red or bright yellow. 24. Apples are more efficent than caffine in keeping people awake in the mornings.", -"how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?2, but I don't know how they got in there!", -"A little guy is seated next to a big guy at a bar and asks his name.The big guy says, They call me Tex.The little guy replies, Oh, you must be from Texas.The big guy says, Nope. I'm from Louisiana.Hmmm, the little guy replies, Then why do they call you Tex?The big guy looks down at him and says, Would you like to try calling me Louise?", -"1.Keep your lights blinking for a whole hour.2.Go really slow on a highway.3.Smile and wave at everyone that you see at a stoplight.4.Turn your radio up while playing opera music.5.When stopping at a stop sign run out of your car and look to see if any cars are coming then yell, It's all clear!6.When coming to a speed bump, get out and say My car won't make it! then try to push it over the bump.7.At every stoplight, run out and check your tires and yell, Don't worry it's OK!8.Take a sponge and a bucket of water and pull over to wash the bugs off the car every time you see one.9.Fill the back seats with plastic bags, put the windows down, and drive around really fast.10.Change your licence plate every you stop and yell, They're after me! Anybody got a screwdriver?", -"You're so fat, the last time you went on a bus, the ticket read ''Please allow up to 28 days for delivery.''", -"Your cooking is so bad, the homeless give it back!", -"The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. She went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. I'm in awe at your faith, pastor, she said. It's really nothing, he answered. The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.", -What did the blond name his pet zebra?Spot!, -What's the difference between pokemon and pokewomon?poke balls, -Yo mommas so old that when she was in school they didn't have history., -What starts with the letter F and ends in UCK?FiretrUCK, -Why can't Osama sleep with any of his 5 wives?Because all he sees is bush., -Knock-KnockWho's thereJackJack WhoI don't know any jack, -"5 boys are walking by a haunted houseOne of the five boys said, I bet I could go in there for more than five minutes.A couple minutes later, he comes out screaming GHOST!The second boy decides to try to go in for more than ten minutes.He comes out screaming after four minutes, HE WASN'T LYING! GHOST!The third and fourth boy go in together and try to stay in for more than an hour. They come out screaming the same thing.The last boy walks and says he can stay in there a whole day.Once he walked in, the other boys heard him say, Hi Grandma.", -Why did the lightbulb fail his test?He wasnt bright enough!, -What does a cow do for entertainment?Listen to moo-sic., -"Yo mamma is such a redneck, when I look at her family tree, it goes straight up.", -What do you call a flying skunk?A smell-icopter, -"Yo momma is so fat, she sat on a gamecube and made it into a gameboy advance.", -"Yo mamma is so fat, she sat down in Wal-mart and lowered the prices.", -What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vador?An elevator, -"You know your a redneck when there are 15 cars in your driveway, and the only one that moves is your house.", -"Yo momma is so poor, I asked her what was for dinner and she put her foot on the table and said CORN!", -"Yo momma is so fat when she sees a school bus go by, she says STOP THAT TWINKY!!", -You know you're a redneck when you go to a family reunion to find a girlfriend., -You know you're a redneck when you mow your lawn and find 10 cars., -"Yo mamma is so fat, she jumped up and got stuck in the sky.", -Yo momma is so stupid she threw butter out the window to see a butterfly., -"If your uncle Jack was stuck on a roof, would you help your uncle Jack off?", -"Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and how the letters are used to define bra sizes?If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!A Almost Boobs . . .B Barely there.C Can't Complain!D Dang!DD Double dang!E Enormous!F Fake.G Get a Reduction.H Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up.", -Knock knockWho's there?MayonaiseMayonaise who?Mayonaise a lot of jokes on this website., -What is the difference between a drunk and a druggie? Drunks run a stop sign and druggies stop at it and wait till it turns green., -"Shannon received a phone call from the foreman plant that her husband worked at. He sounded grim and she immediately knew something was wrong.What happened? Is Patrick all right? Please tell me he's ok, she said.The man on the line said, Shannon, there was an accident at the brewery and your husband is . . . dead.Oh my goodness, what happened? Shannon asked.The foreman replied, He fell into a vat of beer.Did he at least die quickly? sobbed Shannon.The man paused, then said, Well, no . . . he got out three times to use the bathroom.", -"While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He knew how to swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, Are there any alligators around here?The beachcomber shouted back, Nah! We ain't seen gators in these parts for years.Feeling safe, the tourist began swimming leisurely towards the shore. About halfway there, he shouted, Hey, how'd you get rid of the alligators?The beachcomber said, We didn't do anything. The sharks got 'em.", -You're so stupid you got locked in an open convertibale car., -Yo momma is so fat. She has more ass than a donkey farm., -Yo momma so dumb she took back the donut because it had a hole in it!, -"A dog is a man's best friend because it gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws.", -"With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he saw. If you believe in me enough to give me $50, he said, I will grant you eternal life. Sorry, I'm an atheist, the fellow replied, and have never believed in God.God walked up to another man and made the same offer. Well, I'm an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not, the guy said, but here's 50 bucks, just in case. As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. I'm Pat Robertson and don't really care if you're God or not, he said excitedly. Just teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and I'll give you $100.", -You're so ugly that you scared away a man-eating shark!, -"A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.Not Gutenberg? gasped the collector.Yes, that was it!You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars! Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much, replied the man. It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther.", -"Yo Momma so fat, you can see her from space.", -Knock-KnockWho's there?OrangeOrange whoOrange you tired of hearing the same stupid jokes about oranges?, -"There was a woman who came home from work. She had a very long day and just wanted to relax. Just as she was about to sit down, the phone rang.Hello? she said as she picked it up.Are you married? the voice said.Who is this? she asked.No answer. She hung up the phone.Just as she was about to sit down again, the phone rang. Hello? she said, picking up the phone again.Do you have children? the voice said.Who the crap is this? she saidNo answer. She hung up the phone.Just as she was about to sit down AGAIN, the phone rang AGAIN. HELLO?!?!?! she yelled, Now this is it, if you don't tell me who you are, I am going to call the police!Ma'am you seem frustrated, why don't you do yourself a favor and join GEICO Insurance where we strive to make your life easier.", -"A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller,Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today Iget a Hunat eighty?The teller says - Fluctuations!The Chinese guy says Fluc you white guys too", -"A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.The man says, I'll have a beer and turns to the ostrich. What's yours? I'll have a beer too says the ostrich.The bartender pours the beer and says That will be $3.40 please, and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says I'll have a beer, and the ostrich says I'll have the same. Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. The usual? asks the bartender.Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch says the man. Same for me says the ostrich. That will be $7.20 says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?Well, says the man, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there.That's brilliant! says the bartender. Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there, says the man.That's fantastic! says the bartender. You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?The man replies, Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.", -" You dance and it makes the band skip. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. Your driver's license says, Picture continued on other side. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. You could sell shade. Your blood type is Ragu. You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.", -"This guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender,Got any specials today? The bartender replies, Yes, as amatter of fact, we have a new drink that was invented by a gynecologist who is a patron of ours. It's a mixof Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka. The guyasks, Geez, what kind of drink is that?The bartender responds, We call it a Pabst Smir.", -How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They like to keep their clients in the dark!, -"You're so slow that if you were a train engine, the caboose would be leading.", -Why did the pencil cross the road? It was lead!, -"I went into a restaurant that served 'breakfast at any time'. So, I asked for French Toast in the time of the Renaissance", -Did you hear about all the Wal-Marts being taken out of Afghanistan?Yeah thet're putting in Targets!, -Say the word pig before each word.PigsAboutTalkingIdiotThisGotILongHowLookNow say the word pig after each wordPigsAboutTalkingIdiotThisGotILongHowLookNext say the word pig before and after each wordPigsAboutTalkingIdiotThisGotILongHowLookFinally read the list of words from the bottom up.PigsAboutTalkingIdiotThisGotILongHowLookHave a Great day, -"Your breath is so bad, you need a tic-tac the size of a watermelon!", -"There once was a women who bought a new house but didn't know what to name it. So she stuck her head out the window and heard Hairy Butt! So she decided to name the house Hairy Butt. Then sometime later she had a baby boy but didn't know what to name it, so she stuck her head out the window and heard the word Crack, so she named her son Crack. The next day she lost her son so she called the police and said Help! I looked all over my Hairy Butt but I can't find my little Crack.", -"Yo Mama is so fat, when you were born, you came out singin' It's a small world after all.", -"Yo momma is so fat and hairy, that if she dyed her hair green, people would use her for golf practice.", -"There was a couple. One day the husband went to work, as usual. All of a sudden a man in a truck appeared at the front door. The husband, frightened, hid behind a tree. The man exchanged a few words with the wife and left. The husband decided to get rid of that man once and for all.The next day, the husband went to work. But this time, he carried a shotgun with him. The man in the truck came again, the husband shot the man. Then the wife came out and cried, You idiot! That man was filling in for my boyfriend!", -Yo Momma is so dumb she can't get the ball to touch the ground., -How to break up a dating couple:Knock-knock.Who's there?Orange.Orange who?Orange you glad I dumped your girlfriend last night?, -"At a party, a man came up to a stranger and asked Have you heard the latest Bush joke?The man replies, I am Bush.The man said, Oh. I'll tell it slowly.", -"President Bush was visiting a classroom where a teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to make the lesson clearer, he said, Now, children, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run to my face.Yes, sir, one of the girls said.Then why is it, he continued, that while I am standing upright the blood doesn't run to my feet?Because your feet aren't empty, replied a boy in the back of the room.", -"As governor, Bush got to act ceremonially as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap, Bush pulled over a farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that kept buzzing around his head.The farmer said, Having some trouble with those circle flies there, are ya, sir?Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, Well, yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies.So the farmer said, Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses.Bush said, Oh, and went back to writing the ticket. After a minute, he stopped and slowly said, Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?The farmer said, Oh, no, governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ass.Grinning broadly, Bush says, Well, that's a good thing, and goes back to writing the ticket.After a long pause, the farmer says, Hard to fool them flies, though.", -"You're so stupid, you threw a rock at the ground and missed.", -"President Bush looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approaching him. What is it now? sighs the president. It's this abortion bill, replies the aide. What do you want to do about it? Go ahead and pay it, says the president.", -"A teacher in California asked her class, How many of you are Republicans?Everyone in the class raised their hands except for one girl. Mary, the teacher inquired, Why didn't you raise your hand?Because I'm not a Republican, she replied. I'm a Democrat.The teacher asked her, Why are you a Democrat?And Mary said, Well, my mother and my father are both Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too.Well, said the teacher in an annoyed tone, That's no reason why you have to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your parents were both criminals?Then, Mary said, We'd be Republicans.", -"George Bush senior and junior were dragging the deer they had just shot back to their truck. Another hunter approached, pulling his along, too.Sirs, I don't want to tell you how to do something, he said, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer the other way, then the antlers won't drag on the ground.After the other hunter left, they decided to try it. A little while later, George junior said to George senior, You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!Yeah, said George senior, but we're getting farther from the truck.", -Did you fall out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on your way down?, -Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast this morning?, -Yo Momma stinks so bad she has to use Right Guard and Left Guard!, -Why is Mississippi River unusual?Because it has four eyes and can't see!, -Where did they sign the Declaration of Independence?At the bottom., -"Teacher, I can't do this problem! Any five year old can do that problem.Damn! No wonder I can't do it! I'm almost ten!", -"Atlas is the biggest thief in history, because he held up the whole world.", -Knock-knock.Who's there?Terra.Terra who?Terra reason you won't let me in?, -"There once was a priest, a bishop, and the Pope. They were all at the park and they saw a deep pond. The Pope told the bishop and the priest, I bet I can walk on water. So he goes to the pond and, amazingly, he walks on water and gets to the other side. Then the bishop tells the priest, I bet I can walk on water. So the bishop goes to the pond and, amazingly, he walks on water and gets to the other side. The priest is so surprised by all this he decides to give it a shot, so he goes to the pond and he steps on the water but he falls in and gets drenched. On the other side, the Pope is telling the bishop, Do you think we should've told him about the stepping stones in the pond?", -"There were three Chinese men who were new to America. They went inside a telephone booth to make a call and they dialed the operator. The operator said i dont understand you, please call back when you know some english. So they were looking around and they heard someone say, I did it! I did it! So the first Chinese man learned those words. Then the second Chinese man heard someone say, For 50 cents, 50 cents. so he learned those words. Then the third man heard someone say, Im first. Im first. so the last Chinese guy learned those words. Then right in front of them was a body that was murdered. A cop came and took them to court. So when they went to court the judge asked, Who did it? The first chinese guy said,I did it! i did it! Then the judge asked, Why? and the second chinese said, For 50 cents, 50 cents. Then the judge said, You know you guys are going to be electrocuted. The last Chinese guy said, I'm first I'm first.", -"A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.The couple was curious about what the stamp read, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.In very tiny letters, the stamp said, When you can read this, come back and see me.", -"A little boy goes to his father one day and says, Daddy, what is politics?Well, his father replied, let me try to explain it to you this way. Let's say that you're the people. I'm the breadwinner of the family so we'll call me the economy. Your mother is in charge so we'll call her government. Your nanny will be the working class, and your baby brother is the future. Now go think about that and see if you can understand.The boy thinks about it but doesn't really get it so he goes to bed. He wakes up in the middle of the night and hears his baby brother crying. He goes to check on his brother and sees that he has soiled himself but doesn't know how to change a diaper. He goes to his parents' room to wake them up, but only his mother is there, snoring loudly. He goes to the nanny's room instead and finds the door locked. When he looks through the keyhole, he sees his father in bed with the nanny. Frustrated, he just goes back to bed.In the morning, the boy goes to his father and says, I think I understand politics now.Good, says the father. Let's see what you've come up with.Well, says the boy, While the economy is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being ignored, and the future is in deep shit.", -What do you call a horny fish?A blowfish, -What is 4-2?two.What is 8-6?two.Who wrote Tom Sawyer?TwainNow say the answers altogether.Two two Twain.Have a nice twip!, -"The following event actually happened to a famous basketball coach. When I first got a job as La Salle University's basketball coach, the phone rang and my wife told me it was Sports Illustrated. I cut myself shaving and fell down the steps in my rush to get the phone.When I got there, a voice on the other end said, 'For just 75 cents an issue...'", -Why don't skeletons ever play music at church?Because they don't have any organs!, -What did the statue say to the other after a break-up and make-up?I'm sorry I took you for granite. hahahaha, -Why does Hershey's chocolate taste so good? Because they are made by women! hahahaha, -"A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it.", -My uncle is very superstitious. He won't work any week that has a Friday in it., -yo momma so fat she played pool with the planets!, -"One day, Harry and Sarah were having a petty argument.After shouting back and forth, Sarah finally says, Let's make a deal. To end this argument, you admit that I am right and I will admit that I am wrong.Harry thought for a moment, agreed, and asked her to go first.Sarah replied, I'm sorry Harry, I am wrong.In response, Harry shouts happily, You're right!", -Melvin checked out a book from the library because the title read How to Hug.It turned out to be volume 7 of the encyclopedia., -"You're pretty... pretty ugly!You finally figured out how to screw in that lightbulb, but the power went out.You're smart... smart as a fencepost!", -yo momma is so poor everytime someone rings the doorbell the toilet flushes, -You're so stupid you thought harass was two words!, -"If my dog's face looked like your face, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards!", -"Knock Knock.Who's there?Ike, Anne, Wyatt, Tillie.Ike, Anne, Wyatt, Tillie who?Ike Anne Wyatt Tillie it's three o' clock!", -What is it called when an insect kills themself?Pesticide!, -Knock Knock.Who's there?Dewey.Dewey Who?Dewey have to listen to all this knocking?, -Knock knock.Who's there?Justin.Justin who?Justin town and thought I'd say hello., -Knock knock?Who's there?Water.Water who?Water you doing?, -Knock knock?Who's there?Oswald.Oswald who?Oswald my gum!, -Knock knock?Who's there?Kip.Kip who?Kip your hands off me!, -Knock knock?Who's there?Howie.Howie who?Howie gonna figure this out?, -"Once, a teacher was showing a child a picture of a firefighter taking a child out of a burning building. The teacher asked what that was. The child replied,A pregnant firefighter. Instead of scolding him, she calmly asked,Do you know what pregnant means? The little boy just said, Yes, it means to be carrying a child.", -yo momma so dumb that she went to the movies and after they told her under 17 not permitted she went back and got 16 more friends., -Your Mama's so fat when she went to a hotel she asked for a water bed and they just covered up the pool with a blanket and said no divers., -"The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old. How did you get such exact information? I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old.", -"There was a man who had problems with his penis getting hard. So he went to a doctor and said,Doctor, can you please help me?The doctor said,Well we can put on replacement penis. There was a wood one, a metal one, and a 20 foot penis.The man said,Yes, that will really help.. I'll take the wood one. The doctor told him to come back the next day to let him know how he liked it. The next day he came back and said,Doctor, the wood penis is giving my girlfriend splinters and we can't have that.The doctor said,Well, try the metal one and come back and tell me how it works.The next day he came back and said,Doctor, its not working right. It's too cold for my girlfriend.The doctor said,Well, I haven't let any one try the 20 foot one yet but there is a first for everything. Just like the other ones, he told the man to come back.The next day he did and he said,Doctor, I love this new penis!The doctor replied,What do you like about it the most?The man said,Well you see that girl over there? BAM! I got her.", -"A gladiator was having a rough day at the arena-his opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he fought on, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up. He was now both unarmed and defeated.", -"A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and POOF--the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me. So the fairy picked up her wand and POOF -- the husband was 90.", -"A man phoned up an exclusive escort agency and asked for a woman.No problem, said the receptionist. There's just one thing, said the man,she has to be 6' 6 tall and weigh 48lbs. Mmm,let me see --yes we can do that for you, but it will be expensive, said the receptionist. That's o.k, said the man. When do you want her?. Tomorrow night at 7pm, said the man. The next night the doorbell rings and a painfully thin 6' 6 black woman is standing on his doorstep. Come in, take off all your clothes and go down on all fours, said the man. She complies with his request. He opens the kitchen door and a scrawny black labrador emerges. The woman thinks, Oh shit, what have I let myself in for? The man points at his dog and says, Now that's what you'll look like if you don't eat all your dog food.", -"How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to turn it the other to grade the person.", -"After class ends a 1st grader goes up to his teacher and says, I don't mean to scare you Teacher but my parents said that if I keep getting bad grades, then...Somebody's gonna get a spanking. ", -"One weekend, a couple were having breakfast when the radio suddenly blared, We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow! Please move your car to the even numbered side of the street so that the street sweepers can come through!So the wife goes out and moves her car.The next weekend, the couple were having breakfast when the radio suddenly blared, We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow! Please move your car to the odd numbered side of the street so that the street sweepers can come through!So the wife goes out and moves her car.The next weekend, the couple were having breakfast when the radio suddenly blared, We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow! Please move your car to the-And suddenly the power went out. The wife said to her husband, I didn't hear which side of the street to move the car to. Do you know which side of the street I should move the car to?And her husband said to her nicely, as all husbands do so to blond wives, Honey, why don't you leave the car in the garage this time?", -yo momma so skinny she can hula-hoop with a cheerio., -You know your day is bad if your twin sister forgot your birthday., -Yo momma so dumb that when we told her it was a serial killer on the loose she went and locked all the boxes of cereal up in the cabinet., -How do you know if you're a redneck?If you go to a cousin's wedding looking for a girlfriend., -Yo momma so fat she went on a sea food diet - she see food and eat it., -knock-knock.who's there?yo mama.yo mama who?this is yo mama stop playing., -"My friend's mom is so fat I was upstairs and when she fell I ran down screaming, EARTHQUAKE!", -What's the difference between snow men and snow women? Snow BALLS! , -Yo momma so stupid she went to commit suicide and tried to jump out her basement window., -yo momma so fat she has her own area code., -"Here are some more for you...Yo momma's so stupid she failed a survey.Yo momma's so stupid she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building and she got lost on the way down.Yo momma's so stupid I saw her jumping up and down, and she said she forgot to shake the medicine before she took it.Yo momma's so stupid she tried to drown a fish.Yo momma's so stupid she got hit by a cup and told the police she was mugged.That's all.", -What do you get when you mix cigarettes in hot water?A soggy butt., -Why are there so few amusement parks in Japan?Because they aren't tall enough to ride them!, -"A man and his doctor are discussing a surgery the man will soon undergo. The doctor asks if there are any last questions.Doctor, will I be able to play my violin after this surgery?Of course! Why would you think you couldn't?I couldn't play it before.", -Knock knock.Who's there?Sue.Sue who?I'll sue you if ya don't let me in!, -"A teacher decides to have Career Day in her class. She asks each student to tell the class what their father's job is, spell it, and then explain what they do.Mary stands up and says, My father is a policeman. P -O-L-I-C-E-M-A-N. He puts bad people in jail and keeps us all safe.Sue stands up next and says, My father is a doctor. D-O-C-T-O-R. He helps sick people get better.Bobby is next. He stands up and says, My father is a pharmacist. F...F-R...The teacher tells Bobby to sit down and try to figure it out and moves on to the next kid.Johnny stands up next and says, My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E. He'd give you 10-1 odds that Bobby is never going to spell 'pharmacist.'", -"Two guys are out walking their dogs one day and decide to stop at a bar to get a drink. When they get there, however, there's a sign on the door that says, No Pets Allowed.The guys are about to go home when one of them gets an idea. He tells his friend to wait a few minutes and then follow his lead. He puts on his sunglasses and walks in with his German Shepherd.The bartender sees him walk in with the dog and says, Can't you read? No pets allowed in here!The guy says, But I'm blind. This is my seeing-eye dog. The bartender thinks for a minute and decides to let him stay.Meanwhile, the friend is watching through the window. He sees the plan work for the first guy so he decides to give it a try himself. He puts on his sunglasses and walks in with his little chihuahua.The bartender looks at him and says, No pets allowed. You're going to have to leave.But I'm blind, says the guy. This is my seeing-eye dog.Please, says the bartender. You really expect me to believe that they gave you that little chihuahua as a seeing-eye dog?Without missing a beat the guy replies, They gave me a chihuahua?", -"This guy sits down at the bar, and starts telling the bartendar, I've been married for 12 years now and I want some variety. I'm sick of the same old thing! I want something different! The bartendar says, 12 years thats a long time, you don't want to do anything stupid! Hell, if ya want something different just flip her over! The man replies, What? And have a houseful of kids!", -"An Indian man made a painting with the sun above a beach.He proudly displayed his painting. When people marvel at his work and asked, What's it called? He said, Sun of a Beach.", -Did you hear about the tree that made an Ash of itself?, -"Yo momma so dumb, that when we told her it was chilly outside she ran out with a bowl and a spoon.", -"A lonely female crab was walking down the beach one evening when she noticed a male crab coming toward herbut he was walking straight and not sideways!Impressed by his talent, she decided to marry him immediately.The next morning she noticed him walking sideways like any ordinary crab! She asked, What happened? Yesterday you were able to walk straight!He answered What?! I can't get that drunk every day!.", -"A guy walked up to this little boy and asked what was closer, the moon or the Cayman Islands. The little boy said, The moon, because you can't see the Caymen Islands, but you can see the moon. The guy decided to show some people on the streets this fine genius. That same day, the guy shouted out, Listen to the genius. Once the guy asked which was closer, the moon or the Cayman Islands, the little boy said The Cayman Islands.Why do you think that? the guy asked. the boy said Yesterday, I saw some people from the Cayman Islands. Have YOU ever seen some one from the moon? I sure haven't.", -Q. Why was Moses the most wicked man?A. He broke all 10 Commandments at once.Q. What animal could Noah not trust?A. The cheetah.Q. What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?A. Flood lights., -"A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!", -"Two carrots are walking down the street one day when a car suddenly comes flying around the corner and runs one of them over.At the hospital, the doctor says to the other carrot, I have good news and bad news. The good news is your friend is going to live. The bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.", -"Yogi Berra is a famous baseball player who is most widely known for his renowned flubs. Here is a collection of the best.This is like deja vu all over again.You can observe a lot just by watching.He must have made that before he died. -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.I want to thank you for making this day necessary. -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it. -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical.It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much.Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting.A nickel isn't worth a dime today.Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded.It gets late early out there. -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.Glen Cove. -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried? Yogi replied, Surprise me.Do you mean now? -- When asked for the time.I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four.If you come to a fork in the road, take it.You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left.90% of the putts that are short don't go in.I made a wrong mistake.Texas has a lot of electrical votes. -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself. -- After being told he looked cool.I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.Yeah, but we're making great time! -- In reply to Hey Yogi, I think we're lost.If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them.Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't.How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name. -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to bearer.I'd say he's done more than that. -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light. -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?It ain't the heat; it's the humility.The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours.I didn't really say everything I said.", -Knock-knock!Who's there?Yoda!Yoda who?Yo-da door's stuck! Lemme in!, -"At weddings old people poke me and say, You're next!At funerals, I do the same.", -"Yo momma so fat, she used pillowcases for socks.", -"GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.2) Wrinkles don't hurt.3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.SUCCESS:At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.At age 12 success is . . having friends.At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.At age 35 success is . . . having money.At age 50 success is . . . having money.At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.At age 75 success is . . . having friends.At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants", -"Friend 1:Yeh,you are looking too fat.Friend 2:You are looking too old.Friend 1:I am not old.Friend 2:Then, I am not too fat.", -"My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money; watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.", -"A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, hewaited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications andsaid, We have an opening for people like you. Oh, great, he said, What isit? It's called the door!", -"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.", -"Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in onehand and four apples and three oranges in the otherhand, what would you have?A. Very large hands.Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?A. It is not a problem, since you will never find anelephant with one hand. Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?A. No Problems , He sleeps at night.", -Q. The Bay of Bengal is in which state?A. LiquidQ. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what itwill become?A. It will get Wet or Sink as simple as that. Q. What looks like half of an apple ?A. The other half. Q. What happened when the wheel was invented?A. It caused a revolution., -"A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you. The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. He was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked, Who are you?I am your guardian angel, the voice answered.Oh, yeah? the man asked. Then where the hell wereyou when I got married?", -"One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, Why do we have to learn this pointless information?To save lives, the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. So how does physics save lives? he persisted.It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school, replied the professor.", -"What goes 99-clump, 99-clump, 99-clump?A centipede with a wooden leg.", -Knock Knock.Who's there?Swen.Swen who?Swen are you going let me in!?, -"John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic.The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.", -"Yesterday, I walked into a pet store. When I walked to the back of the store, I saw an interesting parrot. The parrot had a ribbon on either foot. There was a red ribbon on his left foot, and a blue ribbon on his right foot.As I was wondering what the ribbons were for, the store owner walked up to me. He told me that if I pulled the red ribbon, the parrot would sing the Star Spangled Banner, and the parrot did. He then told me that if you pulled the blue ribbon, the parrot would sing, God Bless America, and it did.Interested, I asked the store owner, What will it do when I pull both ribbons at the same time? The parrot then yelled, I'll fall off my perch, stupid!!!", -The closest you've ever come to a brainstorm is a light drizzle!, -What does a blond think the last 2 words of the national anthem are? Play ball!, -"A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning.After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister.", -"It was the first day of school for little Jimmy. The teacher asked him, What's 11?Jimmy replied, 3. The teacher said, You go back home and ask your family what the answer is.So, little Jimmy goes back home. He asks his father, who was having a conversation with his friend, Daddy, what's 11? The father replied impatiently, Shut up! So, little Jimmy asks his mother, Mommy, what's 11?His mother, who was watching a show about George Bush on TV, carelessly responded, George Bush.Then Jimmy goes to his sister, What's 11? The sister was having a hot bath and she replied, Oooohhhh, aahhhh.Finally, Jimmy sees his brother, What's 11? he asked. Jimmy's brother was just going out with his girlfriend and he said, let's go, darling.So the next day, the teacher asks Jimmy, What's 11?Jimmy replies, Shut up!The teacher was outraged and asked angrily, Who do you think you are?!Jimmy said, George Bush.Furious, the teacher hit Jimmy. Jimmy exclaimed, Oooohhh, ahhhh.That's it! The teacher shouted, You are going to the headmaster!Jimmy said, Let's go, darling.", -What does Hannibal Lecter call Britney Spears? Dinner at Hooters., -"Oh, what a shame. It looks like the Ugly Fairy kissed you on both cheeks.", -What's the hardest part of skydiving?The ground!, -What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a shark?Far far away!, -"1.) That in school, getting a zero for a grade seems better than getting a 20 or a 30.2.) That when you are hungry, you look in the refrigerator constantly, even though you know there's nothing to eat in there.3.) That ketchup has TONS of sugar? What's up with that?4.) That when you vacuum and there's a piece of lint or something on the floor that's too big to suck up with the vacuum cleaner, instead of picking it up, you just sit there rolling the vacuum over and over it hoping it will suck it up??5.) That when you think of something funny and someone else says,What's so funny? You say,It's a long story when really it isn't?", -"The forgien exchanged students Jose, Doron, and Krono didn't know any English. So their teacher asked them to go find some words.Jose goes to the airport and sees a plane. Waz dat? he asks. That's a plane taking off, the pilot said. Take off! he says.Doron goes to the zoo and sees a zebra. Waz dat? he asks. That's a zebra, a lady tells him. Ze'bra! he says.Krono goes to the hospital and sees a new baby. Waz dat? he asks. That's my baby, the mother said. Be'be! he says.The next day in class, they say all the words together. Take off ze bra bebe!!", -"What's wrong with you? you asked a very dumb guy that was taking your order at the newest resturant in town.The doctor doesn't know yet, hehe .", -Why did the chicken pox cross the road?He was afraid if he stayed he would be spotted., -How do the kids of dentists get around the neighborhood?On Molar-Skates, -What movie is really the sequel to April Fools?The May-Tricks, -What's Samurai Jack's favorite fish?Swordfish, -What monster was created on April 1?Pranken-stien, -Knock-Knock!Who's there?Frayed.Frayed who?Frayed no one's going to answer the door., -"A couple of teenagers craving something sweet drove to the nearest Baskin-Robbins. They bought ice cream cones and returned to their car to be comfortable. As they settled back to enjoy themselves, two ravens landed on the front hood and began to caw and flutter, and to peck at the windshield. The young man finally figured out what they wanted. He finished his ice cream, opened the window, and put his empty cone on the hood. The birds immediately settled down to eat. You're wonderful, said his girlfriend. How did you ever think of that? Nothing to it, he replied. It was just a case of stilling two birds with one cone.", -"A sailor trying to sneak back to his ship about 3 o'clock in the morning was spotted by a chief petty officer who ordered him to explain his tardiness. The lame explanation didn't work. Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you, the chief said. The sailor began to sweep, but a tern landed on the broom handle and he couldn't continue. He yelled at the bird, but it didn't budge. He finally plucked it off the broom and gave it a toss. But the bird came right back and again landed on the handle. Over and over, the same routine was repeated. A toss, one sweep, and the bird was back. When morning came, the chief also was back. What have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! Honest, chief, said the sailor, I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link.", -"Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results.The lab tech says to her, I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a big mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible.What do you mean? Mrs. Ward asked.Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband.That's terrible! Can we do the test over? questioned Mrs. Ward.Normally, yes.But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once.Well, what am I supposed to do now?The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.", -"Jack locked up his bar and headed home. He'd been asleep a few minutes when the telephone rang. What time do you open in the morning? he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire. Furious, Jack slammed the phone down and went back to sleep. But the same guy called again. You might as well stop calling, Jack shouted. There's no way I'm letting a drunk like you into my bar! I don't want to get in, the caller interjected.I want to get out!", -"Once upon a time, there was a prince who was under a terrible spell. He could only say one word per year. Then one day, he saw a beautiful princess. He fell in love with her. He vowed to ask her hand in marriage. However, because of the spell, he had to wait for 7 whole years to propose. On the starting of the 8th year, the prince went to the princess' castle. Knelt down in front of her and said, I love you, will you marry me? The princess tossed her enchanting golden hair, straightened her crown, parted her cherry-red lovely lips and said, I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. What did you say?", -"That master detective, Sherlock Holmes, was sitting on his chair beside the fireplace calmly reading a book when suddenly, his good partner, Dr. Watson came in. Sherlock Holmes looked at his friend and smiled, saying, Why, Dr. Watson, don't you think the weather is a bit hot for you to be wearing your red flannel underwear?Dr. Watson was shocked by this incredible and wonderful logic. My good man, he gasped, How did you know I was wearing my red flannel underwear?Holmes smiled wider and put down his book. He explained, Elementary, my dear Watson. You forgot to put your pants on.", -"Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for his company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?Father Patrick replied, I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.Muldoon said, I'll go right away, Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?Father Patrick exclaimed, Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?", -"One day Peyton Manning dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival, he's given a nice sized house, and a few of his trophies and some Colts apparel is set up around the house to honor his days as a QB.One day, as he's walking along the golden streets, he hears the news that Ben Roethlisberger has died. As he looks up, he sees this ridiculously large mansion - a big, BIG mansion. The building is completely decked out and covered in Ben Roethlisberger banners and flags and paraphanelia. Peyton is a little put out, so he goes to see God.God, he says when he meets him, I don't think this is very fair. I mean, I WAS the better quarterback. Just look at my record and my stats! Do you think it's fair that he gets all that and I just get a little house?God simply smiles and chuckles a little before shaking his head. Peyt, he says, That's not Ben Roethlisberger's house. That's MY house.", -"It seems that upon passing away, a Texan found himself at the legendary Pearly Gates, and St. Peter himself was in attendance to personally greet him!After the usual checklist and verifications, St. Peter made some small talk and commented that he had heard that in Texas, everything is big.The Texan agreed and responded saying, Yup, everything is big in Texas.Well, said St. Peter, we've got some pretty big things up here in Heaven too.He then led the Texan to a farm where cabbages were as big as Volkswagens and the carrots towered over them like redwood trees. Pretty impressive eh? said St. Peter.The Texan smiled and remarked, Yes sir Mr. Peter, they are some pretty big vegetables you've got here, but I've seen big vegetables before, back in Texas. Everything is really big in Texas, he repeated.St. Peter then took the Texan to a far cloud and said, look at this! as he pointed downward.It was there that the Texan saw an eternal lake of fire streching out across the horizon with no end in sight.Well, sir, what do you think of that? inquired St. Peter. The Texan took one more look at incredible vastness of the roaring flames, and said to St. Peter, That's a mighty big fire you've got going on down there Mr. Peter, but I'll tell you what; I know a couple of fellers over in Houston that can put that out for you.", -"The skeleton walked into the bar and asked, Can I have a beer and a mop?", -What did Tennessee?What Arkansas., -"It was the little boy's first time on an airplane. He was so excited. When the airplane engines started, the little boy closed his eyes and counted to 100. Then he opened his eyes and peered outside. Pointing, he said to the woman next to him, See those tiny people down there? They are just like ants!The woman looked at what he was pointing and remarked, They are ants. We haven't left the ground yet.", -"15 Steps to Build a campfire.1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.2. Bandage left thumb.3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.4. Bandage left foot.5. Make structure of slivers.6. Light match.7. Light match.8. Repeat a scout is cheerful, and light match.9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of flames.10. Apply Burn ointment to nose.11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.12. Upon discovery that fire has gone out during your absence, soak wood with liquid from can labeled kerosene.13. Treat face and arms for second degree burns, and relabel your can to read gasoline.14. When fire is burning well, add all remaining wood.15. When thunderstorm has passed, repeat steps 1 through 14.", -What kind of cheese is not yours?Nacho cheese, -"All the numbers went to a party and numbers being what they are, allthe evens stayed around each other and all the odds did the same andneither group interacted with each other. Whilst two was chatting tofour he noticed zero was on his own in the corner and suggested tofour that because zero is sort of even he should be encouraged to mixwith even numbers - four agreed. So off went two to invite zero intotheir little group. Would you like to join our little group enquiredtwo, to which zero replied I have nothing to add!", -The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again., -"Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floorwithout cracking it?A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, howlong would it take four men to build it? A. No time at all, as it has already been built. Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one handand four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?A. Very large hands. ", -"An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, How do you feel?How would you feel, the astronout replied, if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?", -"An engineer, a mathmatician and an arts graduate were given the task of finding the height of a church steeple .The engineer tried to remember things about differential pressures, but resorted to climbing the steeple and lowering a string on a plumb bob until it touched the ground and then climbed down and measured the length of the string.The Mathematician layed out a reference line, measured the angle to the top of the steeple from both ends and worked out the height by trigonometry.However, the arts graduate won the prize. He bought the vicar a beer in the local pub and he told him how high the church steeple was.", -"Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pullies is ingenious.No, the third student said. You're both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?", -"A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving in a car when, just outside of town, they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch their heads.The salesman says, Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal.The engineer stops him, saying, No, before you do that, we'll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire you should buy.The technician laughs and shakes his head. No, no, no! What's wrong with you guys? Hell, we have a spare tire in the trunk - now all we have to do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one!", -"Yo momma's so ugly, when she went to the house of mirrors, it collapsed.", -Yo mommas so old her birth certificate says EXPIRED, -How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?He forgot to wrap the Whopper!!!, -"His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Mr Finnegan. Did she say anything before she died? asked the sergeant. She spoke without interruption for about forty years, said the Irishman.", -What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?A headbanger., -"Roses are red, Violets are blue.Yo momma is ugly,And she looks just like you.", -"A boy was late to school on the first day, and his new teacher asked, What is your name young man? The boy replied, Michael Gay. The teacher said, Why are you calling a kid gay? What is your name boy? The boy said, Michael Gay! The teacher said, That's ENOUGH young man. Go to the principal's office. THIS SECOND! The principal saw him and asked him, What is your name young man? The boy says, Michael Gay. The principal asks, Why are you calling a gay? And what is your name? The boy gets angry and says, Michael Gay! The principal says, Thats it young man, you're suspended! The boy got home and his mother asked, Why are you in trouble? The boy says, Michael Gay. The mother says, I know your name, dear, why are you in trouble? The boy says, MICHAEL GAY!!", -"BOB- We were learning about fractions today in math class.JOE- Oh, really? What did you learn?BOB- One half of what I was supposed to!", -What's the difference between MJ and Mr. Potato Head?MJ has more noses.How are MJ and a Wal-Mart bag alike?They're both plastic and hazardous to children., -"What did the dick say to the condom?Cover me, I'm goin in!", -"Which comes first, Ben-Gay or Preparation H?Ben-Gay.After you have been gay, you'll need the Preparation H.", -"Once upon a time in India, the Bengal tiger was on the brink of extinction, due to a vigorous hunting season. So, Prince Naranjahah ordered that no one shall kill another Bengal. Well, this led to the over abundance in zoos and animal shelters, and one day, the tigers broke loose and started attacking the citizens. The citizens then revolted and overthrew the Prince's rule.This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.", -Yo momma is like a brick. She's flat on all sides and gets laid all day., -"Recently, Today Tonight have held a survey. The results indicate that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.", -"Knock knockwho's there?IvannaIvanna who?Ivanna come in, dammit!", -Yo momma so fat that when she went out dressed in green she got arrested for driving a tank., -Why did Humpty dumpty go to the shrink?Cause he was half cracked., -"A middle school student was working at a shop for his after-school job. He had on a Dairy Queen shirt. A kindergarten student walked up to him and said, Wow, I have 3 of those shirts! You must be cheap!", -"A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Is it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?Yes, I'm afraid so, the doctor told her.There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'", -"How come people are willing to get up off their butts to search the whole room for the remote, because they refuse to get up and change channels manually?", -"1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I want to ask where the bathroom is?2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the whole room for the TV remote, just because they refuse to walk up to the TV and change the channel manually.3. When people say It's always in the last place you look. Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?4. When people say, while watching a movie, Did you see that!? No stupidnose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling up there! What did you come here for?5. When something is new and improved, which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.6. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going! You should know, you pulled me over!7. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks you, Did the bus come yet? If the bus came, I would not be standing here!8. When people ask Can I BORROW a piece of paper? Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one stupid piece of paper!9. When people say, Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. MAN! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?10. When people ask, Can I ask you a question? You didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?", -"There once were two babies both in the same room, with their cribs next to each other. After their mom tucked the babies in for sleep, one baby went to the other baby and said, I can tell if you are a girl or a boy. The other baby said, OK, what am I then? The baby went under the other babies blanket and came up a minute later, and said with a grin on his face, You are a girl and I am a boy. The second baby asked, And how do you know that? The baby replied, I know because you have pink slippers and I have blue slippers.", -"This is a joke song okI pledge allegiance to the flag, Micheal Jackson is a fag. He used to play with little toys, but now he plays with little boys.", -"Dear Friend, The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love,Grandma", -"Yo momma's so ugly, she looked at me and my eyes burned off.", -"A rich Chinese family was flying in their private jet.It ran out of fuel, and there were only two parachutes. The parents decided they could always have another son, so they grabbed the parachutes and jumped off.When they got home, they saw their son sitting on their porch. How the hell did you get here? And before us? the dad said, confused.The little boy stood up and said,Me Chinese, me think fast, me hold on to daddy's ass.He make fart, I go zoom, that's how I get home so soon!", -"One day a little boy was at kindergarten. The teacher told the class their homework was to find the first five letters of the alphabet. When the little boy got home he went to his older brother who was playing video games. Big brother whats the first letter of the alphabet?. His big brother then said to the little boy Shut up retard i`m sick of listening to you!. Then the little boy went on to his second brother who was watching batman. Big brother what`s the second letter of the alphabet?. The older brother who obviously wasn`t paying attention said Na na na na na na na Batman!. The little boy went on to his dad who was watching football and said Dad whats the third letter of the alphabet?. His dad then screamed Forty-niners, forty-niners!. Once again the little boy went on but this time to his mom who was cooking buns and he said Mom what`s the fourth letter of the alphabet?. His mom then yelled My buns are on fire, my buns are on fire!. One last time the boy went to his dad again and said Dad what`s the fifth letter of the alphabet?. His dad who was taking out the garbage sang In the garbage in the garbage in the garbage.. The little boy went to school the next day and the teacher asked him what the first letter of the alphabet is the little boy said Shut up retard i`m sick of listening to you!. The teacher was outraged Young man what is your name? Na na na na na na na Batman!. The teacher was now furious Go down to the principal`s office right now!. The little boy listened and went down to the principal`s office. All right young man since I am a nice principal i`ll let you pick how many spankings you will get. The little boy yelled Forty niners forty niners. So after forty nine spankings the principal looked down at the boy and said How do you feel now?. The little boy screamed My buns are on fire my buns are on fire!. The principal looked at the boy and said All right lets see if i`ve straightened you up now. Where do I live? the little boy sang In the garbage In the garbage In the garbage... .........The little boy is now in millitary school due to his abc accident.", -"Did you here about the new redneck Barbie doll?It comes with twelve kids, aids, and a welfare check.", -"One morning, during breakfast, I say, I had the strangest dream. It was about aliens.My mother asks, What are aliens?My father asks, What kind?", -Why did the chicken cross the road?To get away from KFC, -"From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and foundherself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.", -"You know how young children have that special hobby of always asking Why? Well, one day I went to the bank to pay some bills, and my 4-year-old daughter did just so.Mommy, why are we coming here?So mommy can pay some bills.Why?So that we can keep our house.Why?So that we won't have to live on the streets.Why?Because that's what will happen if we don't pay for our house.Why?Because that's the way it goes.Why?Why do you keeping asking 'why?'....why?You're being a nuisance.Why?Because you got that from your father.Why?Because your father is a nuisance.Why?I don't know, you go ask HIM and then tell me why.", -"Knock-Knock!Who's there?Broken tape recorder,Broken tape recorder who?Broken tape recorder,Broken tape recorder,Broken tape recorder,Broken tape recorder,Broken tape recorder...", -Knock-Knock!Who's there?Pencil.Pencil who?Pencil fall down if you don't wear a belt., -Knock-Knock!Who's there?Chugga Chugga ChoochChugga Chugga Chooch Who?Wheeee!! A train! All aboard!, -"Yo Momma's feet are so ashy she leaves white footprints.Yo Momma's house is so nasty the roaches moved out.Yo Momma's hair is so short it's ingrown.I would stay and chat, but yo momma's water bowl is empty.", -"Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly check-up. When it was finished, she asked her gynecologist how everything was. He said he was pleased and that she was in great shape, and that she was pregnant. No way! she exclaimed, but he assured her she was most definitely pregnant.She stormed out of the examining room, grabbed the receptionist's phone and dialed the private line in the Oval Office. When Bill answered the phone, she shouted, I can't believe it! I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!The president didn't say anything, and she screamed, Didn't you hear me?? I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!Hesitantly, the president asked, Um...who IS this?", -A wise man once said.I Don't know ask A Girl!A wise man Once Said.Life sucks and then we die., -I didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay..., -"For all of you who say I need anger management...Just to let you know, if I could control my anger, I'd destroy you with it!", -"This was seen on a bulletin board at a grocery store:I have kidnapped myself. Please give me $2,000,000 and 5 tacos or you will never see me again.And a different one:I'm missing, so I have gone to look for myself. If I come back here before I do, please keep me safe here until I return. Thanks!", -"We and You is friends. You smile, We smile.....You hurt, We hurt....You cry, We cry...You jump off a bridge...We gonna miss you!", -"After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?! she says as she shook the older boy in anger. We were just playing 'church' mommy, he said. I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.", -"These are actual bumper stickers that were found on people's cars:The proctologist called; they found your head.I used to have a handle on life, but it broke off.Guys; just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date.Some people just don't know how to drive.I call these people Everybody But Me,Try not to let your mind wander, it's too small, it'll get lost.Welcome to America! Now, learn to speak English.", -"Little Tommy ran to his dad and said Daddy, daddy! Watch me count.Tommy holds up his right hand, and, touching each finger, counts to five. One, two, three, four, five.Good! his dad exclaimed. Can you count higher?Tommy pauses to think for a minute, then stretches his hand higher up in the air, past his head.One, two, three, four, five...", -"An inmate in Virginia sued himself for $5,000,000 for 'violating his rights by getting himself in prison.' However, since he can't get an income in prison, he requests that the government pay the money for him.A woman sued Kenmore Inc., after she gave her poodle a bath. She stuck him in the microwave on low to dry him off, and is suing Kenmore for the death of her dog.Four women have sued an Irvine restaurant after one of them claims she found a condom in her clam chowder when dining there last year.A 10-year-old boy tried to sue his landlord, because, he says, the toilet exploded when he flushed it.A 27-year-old man tried rocking a vending machine back and forth so he could try to steal a coke from it... and the machine fell on top of him. He is suing the station.A woman in a California grocery store dropped a beer bottle on her foot. She is suing the store. It didn't leave any damage says reporters, but the lady claims 'it hurt.'A man is suing American Airlines. While he was using the bathroom, the fire alarm accidentally went off. Workers broke down the bathroom door and pulled the man out, fully exposed, because they thought he was smoking. He wasn't.A man, whose name is Jack Ass, yes, Jack Ass , sued MTV's show Jackass because it plagiarized his name.", -"A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray, the priest said. No, said the minister. I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.You're both wrong, the guru said. The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.The repairman could contain himself no longer. Hey, fellas, he interrupted, The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole.", -"1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when the aren't looking.2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares, and see what happens5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of MM's on lay away.6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'.9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.12.have a demolition derby with shopping carts.13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say PICK ME! PICK ME!.14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream NO! NO! It's those voices again!.15.hide in a clothing rack and when somebody walks by and sees you say I'm on a mission.last but not least16. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly There is no toilet paper in here.", -"Could you fax me your photo very very urgently? Mind you it's really very very urgent, damn serious and very important ..... I'm playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER.", -"I have the typical observant wife. One evening after dinner, she handed me a bottle of that Rogaine hair restorer. I told her while I was indeed starting to thin out some, I didn't really think I needed hair restorer yet. She said, Oh. It's not for you, it's for your secretary, she seems to be losing quite a bit of her hair on your jacket.", -"Dear brother,I smile because you are my brother.I laugh because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it!", -"I'm not against Avril Lavigne or anything, I like her, but I heard this, and it was pretty funny. This is the changed lyric to the chorus of Complicated:Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?You see the way I'm scrunching up my pitiful face when I'm on the toilet,And during this I - I push, and I strain, and I sweat, and I pray, Dear Lord, that you'll let it come out;Sooner or later I'll have to leave the bathroom,Yeah, yeah, yeah...", -"Batman once wrote on the wall, Superman is a wimp.The next day, Superman wrote Batman is Bruce Wayne.", -"A zebra had died and when he got to Heaven he asked the guard, out of curiosity, if he was white with black strips or black with white strips. The guard said that he would see God roaming around Heaven and the zebra could ask Him. A couple weeks later he finally sees God and asks, Out of curiosity, am I white with black stripes or black with white strips. God answered, You are what your are. The zebra was puzzled, but went along anyway. A few days later the zebra sees the guard again. The guard said, So did you see God? What did he say? The zebra replied, Well, he said 'You are what are what your are.' The guard goes, Oh, then it means that you are white with black stripes. The zebra asked, How do you know? The guard answered, If you were black with white stripes, He would have said 'You is what you is'.", -"You Know You're Addicted to Video Games When... 1.) Your wife tells you that you are, and your two kids; Mario, and Sonic; agree with her.2.) Whenever something bad happens, you reach for the pause button.3.) You can microwave and eat a pizza using only your feet.4.) You've spent so much time playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4 -- you actually taught youself how to skateboard.5.) You've worn out the buttons in the elevator of your apartment.6.) The only joystick you play with anymore is plugged in to your Xbox.7.) You've decided you won't go outside anymore due to the 'tacky graphics, poor sound and low playability.'8.) You've moved your PS2 into the bathroom -- just in case you make it to the next level on Vice City.9.) Your hands are so gnarled from gripping the controller, you can't even tie your shoes.10.) You ask your doctor how many lives you have left. 11.) You actually get these jokes and tell them to other friends who are addicted to video games!", -"Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery? Why is abbreviated such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do practice? Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on Start? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?????Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?", -"THE COMMON FART The Common Fart is the fart heard most often. It is a very close relative of the Ripper, but is released with less force. It is usually heard in groups where people aren't yet comfortable with farting amongst each other. Therefore, one person in the group gets up some nerve and releases this common-sounding fart in such a manner that everyone now feels comfortable with group flatulence.. Usually there is no smell with the Common Fart. THE ANXIOUS FART The Anxious Fart is let in a place where someone does not want the fart to be heard. You may have seen men and women in book stores or grocery stores, or even on the street, letting these farts. They are generally controlled, usually barely audible, and require much skill to master. THE COUGHING FART The Coughing Fart is one that the farter tries to cover up with a cough. My dad used to let these farts all the time when he worked at the Bingo Hall. He would stand at the back of the hall and cough, just as a nice common fart was let. It can be embarrassing for the farter, and those around the farter, if the timing is off at all, or if the fart is longer than anticipated. THE WET FART The Wet Fart is one that sounds quite juicy. Quite often this fart is cause for alarm, and an indication that a trip to the toilet is imminent.THE BLOWER This fart is similar to the ripper, except it has a bit of a hollow, windy sound to it. This is due to farter blowing all the gas out quickly. This fart will almost always get a laugh. TIGHT BUN FART This fart is always recognizable. It sounds like the farter's buns were so tight that he/she was in pain while farting. THE RIPPEROne of the best farts around is The Ripper. It is loud, rough, and always raises an eyebrow or two. Characteristics of The Ripper often show up in other farts, but make no mistake - this fart is a single, powerful gas-bubble that comes screaming from the farter's butt", -Why did the penny become angry with the nickel?Because the nickel was a penny pincher., -What did one tradesman say to another?I hope you have a barter day tomorrow., -"A mother and a her daughter go to a restaurant for breakfast to celebrate her birthday. The restaurant is known for its imported cheeses. The mother asks, Would you like some cheese, my angel? The little girl says,Sure, but can you take out the holes in the cheese?", -Knock knock.Who's there?No one.No one who?No one to tell you who's here!, -"One day Little Jimmy has a dentist appointment. The appointment is during 7:20 to 8:20, which is the first hour of Little Jimmy's school. The appointment went fine, but Little Jimmy's mom had to get up from bed early to take Little Jimmy to his appointment, so she is a little tired. Little Jimmy's mother gives him a note, and she instructs him to give the note to his teacher. Little Jimmy doesn't look at the note, then when he gets into his classroom, he hands the note to his teacher, just as his mother had instructed. His teacher took the note, took a glance at it, then fainted. Little Jimmy and his classmates ran over to her to look at the note to see what all the commotion was. The note read, Little Jimmy had a dentist appointment today. I'm sorry for his absence. Please let him be executed at school today. Signed, Tara Fox.", -"To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.", -"These are some real people's names, and what they grew up to be. They are all true:1.) Iccolo Miccolo played the piccolo for the Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra.2.) H.M. Balmer was a funeral director in Fort Collins, Colorado.3.) Miss Birdie Snyder married C. Canary and became Birdie Canary.4.) Perhaps it was best to ignore the orders of Dr. Besick, a doctor in Chicago, Illinois.5.) The Clipper brothers worked as barbers in Bakersfield, California.6.) Mr. Thrift of Keepit, Australia, won the $30,000 first prize in a lottery.7.) D. Sharp was a radio tenor.8.) Dr. H.A. Toothacre worked as dentist for the Burlington, Iowa, Independent School District.9.) B.F. Parsons was a parson who lived in the parsonage on Parson Street in Sarna, Michigan.10.) Greg Lawless was a police officer.And Finally...11.) A.C. Current was an electrical contractor in Tontogany, Ohio. His son's name? D.C. Current.", -"Here are some actual town's names:1.) Two Egg, a town in Florida, was named for a system of barter used in the area after the Civil War, when two eggs were regularly traded for a bag of tobacco or sugar.2.) Ed and Uz are the shortest place names in the United States. Both towns are in Kentucky.3.) Slovenskanarodnapodpornajednota is a town in Pennsylvania. It has one of the longest names in the United States, but it covers only 500 acres and has only 11 residents, one mailbox, and one pay phone.4.) Onoville, New York, was given this name because each time someone suggested a name at a town council meeting, the person was greeted by a chorus of Oh, no!5.) Show Low is the name of a town in Arizona that was won in a game of chance. Two frontiersmen, dissolving a partnership, agreed the town site would go to the one who drew the low card.6,) Pig's Eye was the former name of St. Paul, the capital of Minnesota.And Finally...7.) Snowflake, a town in Arizona, was named after Erastus Snow and William Flake.", -What's the difference between a Mexican and a Bench?A bench can support a whole family., -"What I Want in a Man, Original List1. Handsome2. Charming3. Financially successful4. A caring listener5. Witty6. In good shape7. Dresses with style8. Appreciates finer things9. Full of thoughtful surprises10. An imaginative, romantic lover What I Want in a Man, Revised List 1. Nice looking 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs3. Has enough money for a nice dinner4. Listens more than talks5. Laughs at my jokes6. Carries bags of groceries with ease7. Owns at least one tie8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries10. Seeks romance at least once a week What I Want in a Man, Revised List 1. Not too ugly 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally4. Nods head when I'm talking5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down10. Shaves most weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public3. Doesn't borrow money too often4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear8. Appreciates a good TV dinner9. Remembers your name on occasion10. Shaves some weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List 1. Doesn't scare small children2. Remembers where bathroom is3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep4. Only snores lightly when asleep5. Remembers why he's laughing6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself7. Usually wears some clothes8. Likes soft foods9. Remembers where he left his teeth10. Remembers that it's the weekend What I Want in a Man, Revised List 1. Breathing2. Doesn't miss the toilet", -"Banta Singh got tired of being the butt of jokes, and decided to do his PhD. Banta was looking out for a unique subject to write his thesis when he saw a cockroach. Banta placed the cockroach on the table and cuts one of its leg. Then he said Walk. The cockroach moves forward. Then Banta cut its second leg and commanded Walk. The cockroach manages to moves forward. Then Banta cut its third leg and commanded Walk. The cockroach manages to wriggle forward on one leg. Finally Banta cut its fourth leg and said Walk. The poor cockroach could not move and lay helplessly on the table. He repeats the same with over 1000 cockroaches. He finds that the results in all his experiments match. Banta is jubilant.Now, says Banta My thesis is ready! and proceeds to write it:When you cut four legs of a cockroach, it becomes deaf.", -"A group of drug dealers from Mexico tried transporting 6,240 pounds of marijuana to America, by hiding it in a tanker truck disguised as a gasoline truck. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas station on the side of the truck.A woman was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw that was not plugged in.Police in Idaho were amused when they arrived to write up a burglary, and the homeowner told them that the thief had taken his VCR, his bong, and his stash of marijuana. The police ticketed the guy for possession of drug paraphernalia.A girl went to a Taco Bell and asked for a taco with minimal lettuce. The guy behind the cash register said, Sorry, we only have iceberg lettuce.A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for 3 days for giving a friend a cough drop. The principal reiterated the school's 'Zero tolerance policy.'", -"Many authors are disputing who wrote the Shakespeare plays. They each say they did. In their arguing, they decide to try and prove who wrote it by first showing Shakespeare's work, then theirs. Shakespeare version:TITANIA to BOTTOMThou art as wise as thou art beautiful.Jack London's version:TITANIA to BOTTOMYou're as wise as the snowy owl and as beautiful as the clear night sky with fresh white snow under the Northern lights.Dr. Seuss' version:TITANIA to BOTTOMYou're as attractive as green eggs on a plate and the way you sing is fantastically great!Homer's version:TITANIA to BOTTOMBe you as wise as Odysseus and as beautiful as fair Helen.Guess who won.", -"Good Ev'nin America! I, George Dubya Bush, confess that I wrote the Shakespeare plays. First of all, I'm very intellentifull. I didn't mean to confusinate you, but I'm just that smart. Do not misunderestimate me because I can't prononunce n-n-n-uclar -you know what I mean. Shakespeare was in my axis of evil, so I wrote the plays. I mean, who would write plays like A Homedy of Terrors, Nothing to Say about Something, The Naming of my Poo, Porklet, and A Late Winter's Ice Cream? I must also give credit to my Secretary of State, Donald Rumpelstiltskin for playing an interceptun on my fumble.", -"Girl, Oh, Superman I love you so much!Superman,I don't blame you.", -"CAT 1- So how'd that milk drinking contest go?CAT 2- Oh, I won by six laps.", -"A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover the recent Southern California fires. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blazes. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground-level. So he requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport, where a single-engine plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, Let's go! The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures. Why? asked the pilot. Because I am a photographer for a national magazine, he responded, and I need some close-up shots. The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?", -Yo Momma is so fat that when she put on a yellow jacket kids tried to get on it to go to school because they thought it was a bus., -"A rancher walked up to the window at the post office, where a new clerk was sorting mail. Any mail for Mike Howe? the rancher asked.The clerk ignored him and the rancher repeated his question in a louder voice. Without looking up, the clerk said, No, none for your cow and none for your horse, either.", -"With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote The Hokey Pokey, died peacefully at age 93.The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in - then the trouble started.", -"This is a list of what I have learned so far in my life:1.) Always smile. It makes adults wonder what you're up to.2.) Golf is no longer a rich man's sport. There are millions of poor players.3.) If at first you DO succeed, try to hide your astonishment.4.) It takes a thousand nuts and bolts to put a car together, yet just one nut to scatter it all over the road.5.) NEVER play leapfrog with a unicorn.6.) NEVER ask your dad to help you with your math homework, unless you want a 4-hour lecture.7.) When things look black, send them to the laundry.8.) Be tolerant of those who disagree with you. After all, they're entitled to their stupid opinions!", -"It was Superbowl Sunday for the animals, and the Elephants were playing the Cows. The whole first half of the game, the Elephants got their butts whipped. The cows were winning by a mile. By halftime, the Elephants were about ready to give up. But at the start of the second half, a new player ran on to the field. It was a Centipede! He was so fast the cows couldn't even get within five feet of him. In no time, the Elephants had twice as many points as the cows. At the end of the game, the coach of the Elephants thanked the centipede for helping them win the Super Bowl. But I just want to know, why didn't you come out until halftime?The centipede answered, It took me that long to put my shoes on!", -"A man and his wife were arguing when the man commented smugly, You know, women talk so much! They talk twice as much as man do!The wife thought for a while and said, The reason women talk so much is because they have to repeat everything they say.The man frowned. Then he said, What?", -"The top 10 signs your best mate is actually a secret agent....1. His shoe keeps ringing.2. When you borrow something from him, it explodes after a week.3. When you drive his car, you accidentally shoot down the AA Roadwatch helicopter.4. Various other items he owns self-destruct within five seconds of being handled.5. He introduces himself with his surname then his first name then his surname again.6. The dashboard of his new sports car resembles an airplane cockpit.7. Commutes to the office using a jet pack.8. Where do I work? Uh... in the Financial Services Centre! Heheh...9. Asks to borrow your exploding pens.10. Favourite phrase is Yeah, baby... yeah!", -"A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, Sure, we can put you up. The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks, Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck? The farmer says, Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal.The vagrant is amazed and says, Well, how about that silver medal? The farmer says, A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal.The homeless man says, While I'm at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal.The farmer says, My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medalThe homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks, What about the wooden leg?The farmer says, Well, you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!", -"If a man speaks in the middle of the forest and no women are around to hear him, is he still wrong?", -Some common phrases that bees should know:Are you are hipbee?How comb?Hive already finished., -"This Is A True Senior's Moment:An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was reallygreat. I would recommend it very highly.The other man said, What is the name of the restaurant? The first man thought and thought and finally said, What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns.Do you mean a rose? Oh, yes, the man said, and then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?", -"A new jewelry store was opening for the first time. On the front of the store, there was a sign that said Popular Prices. A man looked at the sign and walked right in. He asked the employee at the desk, How much for that pearl necklace?14,000 dollars.What? How are those popular prices? The employee replied meekly, We like 'em.", -You might be a redneck if you list your dog or cat as a dependent on your taxes.You might be a redneck if you have never been on a main road.You might be a redneck if you drive a minivan to the prom.You might be a redneck if the most expensive jewelery you have came from Dollar General., -"You have more than three first names. You drove a monster truck to the prom.You are marrying your brother-in-law. You go out, get drunk, and come home with a tatoo of your momma's name.Your last name is your first name spelled backwardsYou are readiing these jokes!!!", -"Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom''This is a magic broom -- point it at anybody, say 'Bangity bangity bang,' and they will die.'' Bob was really worried because he didn't think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob's turn came and they had ran out. ''Don't worry.'' said the man issuing them out. ''I will give you this magic carrot -- point it at somebody, say 'Stabbity stabbity stab,' and they will die. Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion. Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didn't have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said ''Bangity bangity bang!'' and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot. Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldn't die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were ''Tankity tankity tank.''", -"Once there was an old couple who went to the doctor for their checkup. They were told that nothing was physically wrong with them, but that they were both suffering from memory loss, and may want to start writing things down. That night when the couple is at home watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. Where are you going? the curious wife asks. To the kitchen. Okay. Can you get me something while you're in there? Sure. What? I'd like some ice cream please. The man starts to walk into the kitchen. The wife asks, Shouldn't you write it down? Nah. I don't need to. You want ice cream. I can remember that. Wait. I just remembered. I want strawberries on it too. Shouldn't you write it down? I'm not sure you can remember all of that. I told you, I've got it. So you want ice cream with strawberries on top? Yes. And oh! I'd like some whipped cream too if we have some. Are you sure you don't want to write that down? The husband is irritated now. Yes! You want ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream! Geez! He walks off into the kitchen muttering to himself. Twenty minutes later, the husband comes out of the kitchen with a plate of bacon and eggs, which he places in front of her. She just kind of stares at it for a minute, then looks up at him. Where's my toast?", -"A man was taking a walk around town one day and he passed a sign saying 'Talking dog for sale $5'. He thought it was a scam, but he went to see what was up anyway. When he got to the porch a dog came up to him. Deciding to be a smart aleck, he asked the dog if it could talk. The dog said, Yes, I can. I am the one mentioned in the sign. You can go inside and talk to my owner if you want to buy me. The man asked, How come you can talk? The dog answered, I was a secret CIA experiment. They altered my genes and I used to be a covert agent. I led to many gang busts and stopped a lot of assassination attempts. Once they learned I told my owner about the cases, they kicked me out and now I am stuck here.The man was in awe and went to talk to the dog's owner Bob. He asked why the dog was so cheap since he was in the CIA and Bob said, Was he telling YOU that too?! He tells that to everybody. The reason he is so cheap is because I can't believe a word he says. He's a compulsive liar! The most exciting thing he has ever done is lick his own butt instead of the cat's for a change!", -"There was a tailor in a little village who was known to brutally attack and torture his wife by clobbering her head with a club and stab her with needles. The villagers decided that they should bring the tailor to justice, so they arrested him and took him to the village elders. The elders believed everyone should have a second chance, so they gave the tailor one last chance. They told him, We will give you one last chance for you and your wife to share sorrow and happiness together. If you don't, you will be sent to the gallows to be hanged. The villagers gleefully looked on as the tailor somberly walked home. The first few weeks went well, but after that, the tailor started clobbering his wife on the head again. When he was brought to the village elders and asked for his alibi, the tailor said, I stayed true to my word, for when I hit my wife on the head, I am full of happiness and she is full of sorrow. When I miss, she is full of happiness and I am full of sorrow. The elders had no choice but to let him go.", -Stupidity is not a crime... So you're free to go!, -You're so old your social security number is 1!, -"Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed, stealing things. I phoned the police but was told nobody was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up.A minute later, I phoned again. Hello I said, I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to worry now because I shot them.Within minutes, there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.One of the officers said, I thought you said you shot them. To which I replied, I thought you said there was no one available.", -"I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other", -"You were so ugly as a baby, your incubator was tinted.", -"The doctors were talking about their work.I had great success with one of my patients, said the first doctor. When he came to me, he thought he was as small as a mouse.And you cured him? the second docter asked.I convinced him that many of the world's greatest men were small, the first docter said, He was doing quite well. Then - I lost him.What happened?It was an accident, the doctor sighed sadly, A pussy cat ate him.", -"Oscar got to the broken down inn and asked for a room.I have only one room left, said the innkeeper, But before I give it to you, I must tell you that room is where the white-eyed ghost lives.Oscar wasn't worried. I'll take the room, he said, I'm not afraid of ghosts.That night, when Oscar went to bed, a scary voice said, Boooo! I am the white-eyed ghost....Shut up! Oscar said, i'm tired!Boooooo the ghost said again, I am the white-eyed ghost!Oscar sat up, reached over, picked up a chair and threw it at the ghost, who disappeared. Oscar lay down again and shut his eyes.Boooooo! moaned the voice from the darkness, I am the black-eyed ghost....", -"A mom was wanting to get her boobs enlarged. Unfortunately for her, she didn't have enough money to get it done. In fact, she had exactly half the money needed. She was telling her son, Little Benny, Honey, Mommy really wants to get a boob job. But Mommy has only half the money. She hung her head, and her son said puzzled, Well why can't mommy just pick one?", -"My family has no traditions. We just do the same thing, over and over again, each year.", -Knock-knock?Who's there?Estelle.Estelle Who?Estelle am waiting for you to open this door!, -"LADY TO BEGGAR- Why don't you get a job?BEGGAR- Actually, I'm an author. I once wrote a book entitled One Hundred Ways to Make Money.LADY- Well then why are you begging?BEGGAR- It's one of my ways...", -So what's your dog's name?I don't know. He won't tell me., -"One fine day in the middle of the night,Two dead men got up to fight,Back to back they faced each other,Drew their swords and shot each other,A paralyzed donkey passing by,Kicked a blind man in the eye,Knocked him through a nine-inch wallInto a dry ditch and drowned them all.", -"Here are some books that should never be written:Workaholism, by Anita DayoffNever Say Goodbye, by C.U. LattaCrowd Control, by General PanicAmazing Facts, by G. WillikersThe Last Supper, by M.T. PottsFast Food, by Eaton RunThe Bee Hive, by I. Ben StungTurn Off The Light, by Les WattsCattle Ranching, by Brandon D. BullBullfighting Mistakes, by Gordon Bluddy", -"A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?The old man lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi, he whispered. When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!", -"One day a man with a box walked in a bar. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here. There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face, then he ran back. The guy with the box said, I'll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here. After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back. The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air. He said, If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your wiener off. The leprechaun laughed and said, Leprechauns don't have wieners. Then the man said, If you don't have wieners, then how do you pee? By spitting, said the leprechaun.", -yo momma so short that when she sat on the curb her legs swing, -"Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, How do you plead?Guilty.That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court. Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. How do you plead? asked Tyler.Guilty.Tyler reflected for a moment. These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late, he pointed out. In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail.", -"Rising gas prices have caused the following event:The wife comes home and says, It's been a tough week. I want you to take me someplace expensive tonight.The husband promptly takes her to the nearest Gas Station.", -"Little Mikey's parents were going out, and Mikey said, For 20 bucks, Dad, I'll be good.Oh please, said his father. When I was your age, I was good for nothing.", -What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?I don't know; and I couldn't care less., -"In Fahrenheits...60 Californians put on sweaters 50 Miami residents turn on the heat 40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming 35 Italian cars don't start 32 Water freezes 30 You plan your vacation to Australia 25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South 15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going 5 American cars don't start 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts -10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start -25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going -30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start -40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South -50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window -80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets", -"When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, God greeted her at the Pearly Gates.Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa? asked God.I could eat, Mother Teresa replied.So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal.Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer.Meekly, she asked, God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it... God sighed. Let's be honest Terry, he said, For just two people, it doesn't pay to cook.", -"A man with two left feet walked into a shoe store and asked, Do you have any flip-flips?", -"Goldilocks was walking along one sunny afternoon when she found a beautiful house in the woods. The door was open, so she walked right in. There she found a table set with three bowls of steaming porridge. Hello? she called out, but no one was home. She tried the first bowl, but it was too hot. She tried the second bowl, but it was too cold. Then she tried the third bowl, and it was just right.Wow, she said, once she had finished the meal. Now I'm feeling very sleepy. So she wandered around looking for a bed. She couldn't find one anywhere on the bottom floor. Finally, she found a staircase at one end of the house. She climbed up the steps and went into the first room. There was a great big bed in the middle of the room, so Goldilocks jumped right in. Yikes! she exclaimed. This one's too hard!She wandered to the next room. There she found another bed, and hopped right in it. But it was too soft.By this time, Goldilocks was very tired. She went into the third room, and yelled out in surprise. There were three pink pigs cowering in the corner of the room. Wait a second, she said. You guys are in the wrong fairy tale.No, we're not, answered one of the pigs. Don't you know this is a two-story house?", -"Ther was a blind man walking along with his guide dog when he came to a road. The dog stopped for a second and then carried on into the thick of the traffic. The man was almost hit several times but he managed to get to the other side unharmed. When he got to the other side he took a treat for his dog out of his bag as a reward. A man driving by saw this and stopped and asked the man, Why the hell are you rewarding your dog if he almost got you killed? The blind man replied, Because I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!", -"A student was in the percussion section of the band, and was not doing well. The band had a performance that night, and the conductor had an annoucement to make.The conductor said, When a student is having trouble playing an instrument, we can give him two sticks and make him a percussionist, and let him play the drums, which---The conductor was interrupted by a student in the back of the room who said, And when that's too hard for him, we can take one of his sticks away, and make him a conductor!", -"Jesus, Moses and an Old Man with a long gray beard, in overalls were playing golf.Moses tees off and his ball lands 5 inches from the hole. Nice shot, Moses, says Jesus.Next, Jesus tees off. His ball lands 2 inches from the hole. Well, you were closer that I was, said Moses. Next the old man tees off. As he is chewing on a piece of straw, he watches his ball head straight for the water hazard, where it is immediately swallowed by a fish. Just as the fish jumps up to swallow the ball, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish. As the eagle is flying away, a lightning bolt strikes him and he drops the fish. The fish lands about 10 inches from the hole and the ball pops out and rolls right into the hole.Jesus looks back and says, Nice shot, Dad.", -"A teacher asked her class, What do you want out of life?A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, All I want out of life is four little animals.The teacher asked, Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?The little girl said, A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it.The teacher fainted.", -"Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed, she explained. I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.Don't worry, Jack said. We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. The lady agreed,and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?Yes, I do, said BobDid you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?Well, um, yes, Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. I have to admit that I did.And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?Bob's face turned beet red and he said, Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?She just died and left me everything.", -"A kindergarten teacher was giving her students a homework assignment. She said, Students, I know you can do this. If you are going anywhere tonight, then watch how your parents drive in relation to the stoplight. This means, watch how they drive and what they say when the stoplight turns green, when it turns red, and when it turns yellow.So the following day, all the little kids came back with smiles on their faces because they knew that they had done their homework.The teacher asks, So did everyone do their homework last night? Every kid says in unison, Yes!The teacher continues. So can anyone tell me what you do when the light turns green? She looks past the outstretched hand of Little Johnny to pick Little Billy. Billy said, You say, 'yes, this stupid light finally turned green!', and then stay at the same speed.Very good, Billy, the teacher said. Little Johnny was mad; he wanted to answer a question. The teacher continued. Can anyone tell me what you say and do when the stoplight turns red? Again she looked past the outstretched hand of Little Johnny to pick Little Mary. Little Mary said, You say, 'Darn, why did it turn red?' then you stop at the light.Very good, Mary, the teacher said. Little Johnny was really mad now. Finally, the teacher said, Alright, the last one. Who can tell me what you say and do when the stoplight turns yellow? She sighs, then finally picks Little Johnny after he practically fell out of his chair. Little Johnny said, Okay, you say, 'Oh shit, the damn stoplight! and then speed up so you can make the light!!!", -"A guy was at a strip club, and he had glitter all over him, but he didn't know it. He got in his car, and drove home, and it was about 11:30 when he got home. His wife was standing at the door when he got home. He kissed her, then told her that he was tired and wanted to go to sleep.His wife stopped him before he went upstairs to their room. She asked, So why do you have glitter all over you? Her husband thought quick and replied meekly, Makin' you a card...", -"It was Father's Day, and Little Billy's mom told him to tell his dad to just lay around, watch TV, and do nothing productive.So Little Billy went into the family room where he found his dad watching TV. Little Billy said, Dad, it's Father's Day, so mom and me think that you should just lay around, watch TV, and do nothing productive. His dad looked up from the TV and smiled, then went back to watching his show.Little Billy paused a moment and said, You know, just like you usually do...", -"Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree? I don't know, responded the other. I'll ask him.So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade? Intelligence, the boss said. What do you mean, 'intelligence'?The boss said, Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can. The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, That's intelligence!The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, What did he say? He said we are down here because of intelligence. What's intelligence? said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, Take your shovel and hit my hand.", -"Knock-KnockWho's there?I'm a pile up.I'm a pile up who?Yes, you are a pile of poo!", -BOB- It's Friday the 13th. Do you have any superstitions?GEORGE- I think it's unlucky to have superstitions., -"This is a true story:A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her wayyy up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on herstomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.Excuse me, miss, said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday. What difference does it make? Joan asked rather calmly. No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel. Not exactly, said the embarrassed little man. You're lying on the dining room skylight.", -"The road hog in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.The local phone book has only one yellow page.Third Street is on the edge of town.You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.The city limits signs are both on the same post!The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions.Second Street is in the next town over.There's no place to go that you shouldn't.A Night on the Town takes only 11 minutes.The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.The New Year's baby was born in October.Running from the cops consists of hiding in the cornfield.You have to name six surrounding towns to explain to people where you're from.You have to drive five miles out in the country to smoke a cigarette.Headline news is who grew the biggest vegetable this year.There is no point in high-school reunions because everyone knows what everyone else is doing anyway.Driving cars up and down the main drag is a universal high school experience. You can name everyone you graduated with.You know what 4-H is.You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour.You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't - same goes with the game warden.You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.School gets canceled for state sporting events.You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were and if you were old enough, they would still tell your folks.When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to the country and drive back roads to smoke them.You were ever in the Homecoming parade.You have ever gone home for Homecoming.It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.You had senior skip day.The whole school went to the same party after graduation.You don't give directions by street names or references .The golf course had only nine holes.You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.The town next to you is considered trashy or snooty but is actually just like your town.Getting paid minimum wage is considered a great job.You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as rich people.The people in the city dress funny, then you pick up on the trend a few years later.You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.Directions are given using the stop light as a referenceThe city council meets at the coffee shop.Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis.Weekend excitement involves a trip to the grocery store.Even the ugly people enter beauty contests.You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.Your teachers call you by your older siblings names.Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.You can charge at all the local stores.The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away. So is the closest mall.It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.Everyone who played sports had to play on every type of team, or there wouldn't be enough people to have a team.Being able to hit a road sign with a beer bottle while driving down the highway is considered a necessary skill.A cool vehicle had big tires or a bad-ass stereo. You can remember when your town finally got cable. Driving to the party on a four wheeler is quite normal. You thought the 30-year-old guy that still was at all the parties was cool.The town population increases by one-third when the universities go on break.The best burgers in town are at the rink. You know exactly where to go when the party is at the lake. You lost your virginity at a bush party. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from a small town.", -"You Know You're From New York City When... 1.) You say the city and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan. 2.) You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. 3.) You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 4.) Hookers and the homeless are invisible. 5.) The subway makes sense. 6.) You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 7.) You've considered stabbing someone just for saying The Big Apple. 8.) The most frequently used part of your car is the horn. 9.) You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard. 10.) You consider Westchester upstate. 11.) You think Central Park is nature. 12.) You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking. 13.) You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a steal. 14.) You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times. 15.) You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent. 16.) You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid. 17.) You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed. 18.) Your closet is filled with black clothes. 19.) You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since the 80s, and when you did, it terrified you. 20.) You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents. 21.) You take fashion seriously. 22.) Being truly alone makes you nervous. 23.) You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. 24.) Going to Brooklyn is considered a road trip. 25.) America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you. 26.) You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form. 27.) You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise. 28.) Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes. 29.) $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag. 30.) You have a minimum of five worst cab ride ever stories. 31.) You don't notice sirens anymore. 32.) You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns. 33.) Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian. 34.) You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you. 35.) You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skills. 36.) You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price. 37.) Your door has more than three locks. 38.) Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it. 39.) You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression. 40.) You run when you see a flashing Do Not Walk sign at the intersection. 41.) You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license. 42.) You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available. 43.) You're willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay the rent. 44.) There is no North and South. It's uptown or downtown. 45.) When you're away from home, you miss real pizza and real bagels. 46.) You know the differences between all the different Ray's Pizzas. 47.) You're not in the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's Eve. 48.) Your internal clock is permanently set to know when Alternate Side of the Street parking regulations are in effect. 49.) You know what a bodega is. 50.) You know how to fold the New York Times in half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats. 51.) Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet..... 52.) You cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St. like the city in Texas. 53.) Film crews on your block annoy you, not excite you. 54.) You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from NYC!!!", -"Funny Names of Real People A. Blinkin A. Nicholas FivepenniesAaron D. TiresAaron JegladAaron YerfavorAbbie Birthday Abbie SeeniaAbe L. Tuwok Abe Ozo Abe Rudder Abel N. Willan Abner PeriodAcassa BeerAcassa CokeAchilles Punks Ada Burger Adam BaumAdam Meway Adam PimpleAdam Zapple Adelaide EveningAdolph D'PlateAgusta WindAl B. Zienya Al BebackAl BequerqueAl BinoAl Cahall Al CatrazAl Coholic Al DenteAl DePantzeu Al FabetAl FrescoAl GebraAl GeeAl Gore Ithem Al K. SeltzerAl KaholicAl Kickurass Al KidaAl Killeu Al LigatorAl Low Al Lowe VeraAl Luminum Al Nino Al O'Moaney Alan A. Daiswerk Alan D'FamilyAlan Goodtime Alba Tross Alberto ViofiveAlbie LatefordinnerAldo AnythingAldo Itmiselph Aldo KingsmenAlec TricityAlex BlaineAlex Blaine Layder Alf A. RomeoAlf Abet Alf ArtiganAli GatorAli GoricleAli NoyaAli TabedAli TariseAlice NofuryAlice NotlostAlida BugAlison WonderlandAlla NightlongAlma BalzitchAlma ChildrenAlma KnackAlonso Welkept Althea ThoonAlvin D'LotteryAmanda B. ReckonedwithAmanda Hugankiss Amanda Love Amanda Lynn Amanda YellattAmber GreenAmelia BarfupAmelia CookeAmes HighAndrew Blood Denny BeaterAndy Gravity Andy SemiteAndy Structible Angel Dust Angie O'GramAngie O'PlastyAngus BeefAnita Alibi Anita Bath Anita BeerAnita Biernow Anita ColbierAnita DrinkAnita FixxAnita Harecutt Anita HugAnita JointAnita LiftAnita MannAnita NewmanAnita NurseAnita Phillup Anita RalfAnita RestAnita TissueAnn AngrimobAnn B. Dextrous Ann Chovie Ann Drogeny Ann DromedaAnn L. EyesAnn O'Malley Ann SerdifoneAnn Tartica Ann Teaks Ann TennaAnn TwerpAnna Conda Anna FilaxisAnna Gram Anna LisztAnna LyticAnna Mull Anna Prentice Anna RexicAnna Rexiya Anna TurneyAnne ChoveyAnne T. Lope Anne T. Social Anne Teak Annette FisherAnnie BodieAnnie Buddyhome Annie DaynowAnnie Mah Annie MatterAnnie Normous FannyAnnie One Ome April May April Shours Aretha HollyAri Verderci Ariel Hassle Arlo PricesArmand AlegArmand HammerArnie AdorableArsenio Five Raisyu Five Art Collection Art MajorArt SifartsiArthur ItusArthur Mometer Artie Choke Asa Spades Augusta Wind Aunt E. BelmanAunt HillAuntie GravityAunty Biotic Avery Goodbook Ayma Dommy Ayma Moron Azalea BushB. WareB.A. WareBab L. EnbrookBaby Dwayne Barb Bituwitz Barb Dwyer Barb E. Cue Barbara BlacksheepBarbara Chair Barbara SevilleBarbie DahlBarnaby WildBarry A. BoneBarry D. HatchettBarry D'Alive Barry Shmelly Barry ThatchetBart Ender Basken D. SunBea A. MannBea Aclown Bea ApalBea D. EyesBea Merry Bea Meup ScottiBea O'Problem Bea Sting Bea VerhuntBeau ArcherBeau Vine Bella DeBallBelle E. FlopsBelle JinwafflesBelle Lee Button Ben AroundBen Crobbery Ben Dover Ben JerelboBen Lyon Ben O'Drill Ben Thair Bennett DeWaistBenny FactorBent AxelBermuda ShwartzBermuda Tre' Angle Bernadette BraBernadette DraftcardBernie EvidenceBernie SensationBertha D. BluesBertha Venation Bess SellarsBess Twishes Beth Lee Hemm Bette D'Farm Betty B. Ready Betty ByeBetty WhontBetty WowntshowBeverly HillBiff Jerquee Biff Schteck Biff WellingtonBill BoardBill Day BridgeBill DingBill FoldesBill Ling ErrorBill Lowney Bill Melater Bill StoupeeBill ZabubBilly ClubBing CherryBjorn Again Bjorn FreeBjorn ToorunBjorn ToulouseBlair A. HornBo Lingalley Bo Nacerra Bo NarrowBo Nessround Bob Apple Bob FrapplesBob Katz Bob LaBla Bob N. DeWavesBob Uppendown Bob WireBobby Pinn Bonnie ContentionBooker BetsBowen Arrow Brand NewhouseBrandon CattellBrandon IronsBrett Andbuter Brice Tagg Brighton Early Brock LeeBrock Lee SpearsBrook Lynn Brooke Lynn BridgeBrooke TroutBruce EasilyBruno BeerBruno TBubba GanoojBuck Caneer Buck Fifty Buck N. Bronco Buck Naked Bud CheeksBud InskiBud Light Bud Wieser Buddy SystemBuffy Lowe Bills Bugs ZappaBurnedette Down Burnett D'StakeBurton Ernie Buster IndechopsBuster N. Delipz Buzz Zing C. Good C. Howlett FieldsC. Senor Cal Culator Cal Culus Cal Efornia Cal LacoppCal Seeium Cal Varee Caldwell Ahead Candee GrahamCandi BarrCandi KaneCandice B. DePlace Candice B. Fureal Candice B. LoveCandice E. AhmbizzyCandice WaitCandy BarreCandy BaskettCandy KaneCandy Liver Candy Store Candy SweetCarl Arm Carl BreakdownCarla SpadeaspadeCarlotta Lemons Carlotta Tendant Carra S. Midown Carrie A. TuneCarrie Dababi Carrie Datwaite Carrie DeKoffin Carrie Mehome Carrie MiyawayCarrie Mysac Carrie Oakie Carson O. Gin Cary BaggsCasey Deeya Casey Needzit Cassidy Ballot Celia FateChanda LearChar Isgood Charity CaseCharley Davidson Cheri PittsChester DrawersChester GigoloChi Spurger Cho Kon It Chris CoeChris Cross Chris Mass Chris Moss Chris P. Bacon Chris P. CrittersChris P. Nugget Christian EthicChuck Roast Chuck St. EakChuck Wagon Cindy LightClair A. VoyantClaire AnnetteClaire DeAir Claire Enpressant-Danger Clara NetClara Sabell Clara SillClaude BawlsClaude N. Skretchem Cliff DwellerCody Pendant Cole Dinner Cole Kutz Cole SlawColette A. DayColin Allcars Colin AmbulanceColin DaFuzz Colin D'CopsColin Sick Colin TokshoColin Tosayhi Colleen Cardd Colt FortifiveConstance NoringConstance PaineConstance WearingCora D'Apple Cosmo KnottCottin AnnetteCount DunnCount OrffCourtney Fish Crystal BallCrystal MightyCrystal Shanda Lear Crystal SnowCrystal StemwearCuba Sugar Curt N. RodCurt ReplyCurt SanwheyCurt TinrodCurt ZeeCurtis E. CountsCy Burns Cy Kosis Cy LanceCy Q. Out Cy Yonarra Cynthia FathersD. John MustardD. LiverDaisy ChainDaisy Fresh Daisy PlantDale E. Bread Dale E. PaperDan D. Lyons Dan DruffDan Geruss Dan SinghDan SurroundDane Jeriss Danielle Soloud Darius Lesgettham Darrell B. Moore Darrell Likt David Eotaype David N GoliathDavid N. BelievemeDawn OvanudayDean F. Studence Dee Capitated Dee ComposeDee Faced Dee GenerateDee HydrationDee Licious Dee Lightful Dee LinquentDee Lovely Dee NiabilityDee Sember Dee StroyerDee ToxDee VineDeede Tea Delia GoodhandDella GatepowerDella JokeDella Phones-Ringin Della Where Denice DenephewDenise ArnockinDennis AnyoneDennis Appointment Dennis L. BowDennis Toffice Denny Buddy Holm Denny Juan Heredatt Denton FenderDes Buratto Dewey BelieveDewey ChizoneDewey HaftaDewey R. Donti Di GressDi JestDi NomiteDi O'Bolic Di RheaDi VerseDiane B. ResurrectedDiane Toluvia Didi Reelydoit Dieter Rhent Dilbert PicklesDinah CancerDinah MeechahDinah Might Dinah Sore Dobie CruelDoll R. Bill... Dom De DumdumDom N. NateDon ChahnoeDon KashaneDon TelonmeDon Thatt Dondi DrainDondi LifejacketsDonna d'DeadDonna SoomDoris AjarDoris Oben Doris Schutt Dot Com Dot MatrixDot SniceDot Yorize Chris Yortees Doug Abone Doug GravesDouglas Fir Douglas S. Halfempty Douglass FirDrew A. Blanc Drew A. PictureDrew Blood Drew LingidiotDrew LotsDrew PicturesDru Blood Duane Pipe Duke AminDuke Itout Duke UhfurlDuke UntinueDustin D. Furniture Dusty CornerDusty Rhodes Dutch OvenDwayne DeTub Dwayne PipeDwight ChocolateDwight House Dwight MansburdonE. C. StreetEarl E. Byrd Eaton WrightEd Ible Ed Ipus Ed Jewcation Ed N. ShouldersEd U. Cation Ed Venture Ed Wardian Ed ZortailsEd ZupEd ZyuwinEddie FicationEddie Puscomplechs Eddie Pusrechs Edin RunEileen Dover Eileen Dover-AnfellEileen SidewaysEli StruiznoseEliza Falsehood Ella Fino Ella FuntElla SnofuryElla VaderElla VashowElle O'Quent Ellie MentaryEllis Dee Elmer Derrim Elmer SklueElmo BacaroniElmo DeLawnEmil InitselfEmil YunairEmir O'RimijEmma G. Nation Emma Roids Emma SissEmmanuelle NeverforgetEmmitt RadiationEnid Suhdrynk Enzo ItgoesEric E. RicardofanErin HotwaterErin TroublenowErland VinegarEstelle HertzEsther Egg Hunt Etienne OrolderEuan MeEubie LittlemeEugene Eusyou Eulla GeeEunice IcleEva DestructionEva LanchEva LutionEvan ElpusEvan Gelist Evan Lee Arps Evan StubezziEvans Gayte Eve Hill Eve Ning Eve O'Lution Ewan Oozarmi Ewan Whatarmy Ezra PortedFaith ChristianFanny FlamesFanny O'RearFay TalityFaye Kinnitt Faye Slift Felipe D. Bird Ferdinand TuinbushFerris Faire Ferris WheelFletcher Biceps Floyd N. DeWater Flynn Willie WoozieFord Parker Forest Trudy TreesFoster Dennis Peeding-BulletFrancis Useless Frank Furter Frank IncenseFrank Lee MydearFrank Lee Speaking Frank N. BeansFrank N. SenzeFrank N. Stein Franklin MintFredia Spender DoughmannFreida Convict Freida LiveryFreida People Freida SlavesFrieda Beemee Frieda Golden StarvafeverFume A.Gater Gabe Asher Gabe Barr Gabe OyGail ForceGail Storm Gail WindsGay BarberGay N. ProudGaye LourdeGene AntonicGene E. Yuss Gene PooleGeoff L. TavishGil Demall Gil Fish Gil T. Azell Ginger Root Ginger SnapGinger VitasGino EvilGladys C. HughesGladys Eeya Gladys FridayGodfrey A. Theist Grant Stoome Gretchen Vomit Grey PouponGrover AciousGrover BoseGrover Etense Gunther OngwayGus Comzadia Gus Tofwin Gus UndheitGuy Zendalls Haile ImprobableHal ApenoHal E. Luya Hal Jalikakick Hal LitosisHale Tudachief Hamilton BurgerHammond Ecks Hammond Swiss Hank E. PankieHank ErchifHansen PocketsHarly WorkinHarmon IckonvergenceHarmon Ikka Harmon InjuryHarold AngelsingHarris Gray Harris Mint Harris ThininoutHarrison Fire Harry ApeHarry Armand BachHarry Barber Harry Bottom Harry ButtHarry CarayHarry Cox Harry KnoklesHarry R. M. PittsHarry RumpHart Attack Hart Breaker Hart Burn Hart FailureHarvey TheryetHawthorne N. Yercyde Hayden Seek Hazle Nutt Hedda D'Class Hedda LettuceHedda StateHedda VerhealsHeidi ClareHeinrich ManeuverHeinz Fiftyseven Heinz SightHelen A. HandbasketHelen Back Helen Highwater Helen WheelsHelena Handbasket Helmut Hertz MahedHelmut Lawz Henny QuestionsHerb AlessenceHerb Avore Herb E. Side Herb Garden Herbie HindHerbie TrothedHerbie Voor Hilda ClimbHiram CheapHiram ExicanHolden D'MayoHolly Wood Homan Provement Homer D'BraveHomer RunHope ToodyeHorace Cope Howard AyhanginHoward Ewdune Howard I. No Howdy U. Wannit Howe D. Pardner Howie Ben DooinnHowie Blewitt Howie DewettHoyt E. ToityHu Flung Pu Huang Annsaw Huck A. LoogeeHudson RiversHuell RegretitHuell TydespiritHugh BechaHugh DeMann Hugh Jape Hugh Jass Hugh JeersHugh ManityHugh Midor Hugh MiliationHugh MungusHugh Rinle Hugh TensileHugo First Hy BallHy ColonicHy ConceptHy Gene Hy LoweHye N. Mighty Hyman AmericanHyman IdiotHymie TowneI. Doodie ClaireI. M. FreezingI. Ron Stomach I. Shelby ReleasedI.D. ClairI.M. BoringI.M. EasyI.P. DailyI.P. EnyursoopI.P. FreelyIda ClaireIda Hoe Ida JuryIda LiverIda NyitIda Whana Ida ZervbetterIdi Amin D'DoghouseIduma BestIgor BeaverIke Fess YeronnerIke and Stan DieuhIke LaudiusIke Witt Iknowa NothingIlene Dover Ima B. Leever Ima FreeloaderIma GonnablowIma Hogg Ima I. BallIma June Bug Ima Kid Ding Ima Lima Bean Ima LooneyIma LoserIma Nottatellinya Ima PepperIma PigIma VirgenIndy FirstplaceInga HootzInigo Maniac Ira Fuse Ira GretIra GurgitateIra LinquishIra MemberIra NegIra PeteIra PulseIra Shizer SmilingIra Zent ThatIsaac CominbossIsabell RingingIsadora BelleIsadora BullIsadora JarIsadora TableIsaiah OldchapIsaiah Prayer Isolde House Itzhak KintumiIva PayneIva ThongonIvan CherbodyIvan Chu Ivan FartenIvan II BaicherneckIvan Inkling Ivan OdorIvan Sumbudy Ivan T. Tall Ivan Tugo Ivan Tustay Ivana Tinkle Ivanna B. Badd Ivanna DrinkIvy LeagueIzzie YupyetIzzy Backyet Izzy Cumming Izzy ForeelJack AlopeJack DeCarrup Jack Dupp Jack Hammer Jack Kass Jack N. Debocks Jack O'Lantern Jack OvalltradesJack PottJacob Sladder Jacque StrapJacqueline Hyde Jacques StrapJan U. Wharry Jane Linkfence Jane Miedown Jane Sandwhips Janice SaykwaJason DeVillainJawana Die Jay Walker Jean Poole Jed I. Knight Jeff Healitt Jeff Uelin-Eorzelv Jenn O'Side Jerry AtrickJerry ManderJerry Soda Jess O'GigoloJess TateJesus Marian JosephJethro UpJim ClassJim Locher Jim N. EcricketJim Nasium Jim Nasticks Jim ShortzJim ShueJim SoxJim TeacherJimmy D'LockJimmy Krackorn Jo King Joanna Hand Jodie MaggioJoe Czarfunee Joe Kerr Joe KingJoe Mamma Joe NavarkJohnny BaptistJose Canusee Joy RiderJoy Trudy WorldJuan F. Thiesdeis Juan FordemoneyJuan Fortharoad Juan Nightstand Juan VoyceJuana Bea Juana Beer June Bride June Bugg June Wedding Justice FraulJustin Case Justin CredibleJustin D. Nickotime Justin HaleJustin InchJustin Odosdaize Justin Time Justin Utter OneKahn Demendums Kandi Apple Kareem O'Wheat Karen FeedingKaren Maintenance Kat A. Tonic Kat Agory Kat Alog-Sales Kat ManduKate TerdaffairKatja FallingstarKay Ken CoffeeKay Mart-Shoppers Kay NeineKay O'Pectate Kaye Ken Coffee Keisha RassKeith MyathKen DahlKen KnottKen Opener Ken Payne SloganKen U. DiggitKen U. SeemeeKendall LitedinnerKenny Dewitt Kenny PennyKent Cook Kerry Mehome Kerry OkiKim Payne Slogan King QueenKirk A. GuardKirk D'EnterpriseKitty CatKitty LitterKlaus Trophobia Knute RalizeKris P. KremeKris P. Nugget Krystal LakeKurt Ambrose Edarms Labor PayneLance A Boyle Lance Lyde Lando D'FreeLaura DeLandLaura Lynne HardyLauren OrderLee Gullize Pot Lee King Lee MealoneLee Nover Lee VittaloneLeigh VamessageLen DeHand Leo Tarred Les IzmoreLes MiserablesLes MooreLevon TimeLida PharteLilac Arugg Lilly Livared Lina CocaineLina CreditLincoln Loggs Lincoln Mercury Lisa CarrLisa HouseLisa Neucar Lisa TruckLiv GoodLiv TuregretitLiz Bea Ian Liz Onnia Lois Common DenominatorLon D'NenglandLon Moore Lorraine InspainLotta Heiney Lotta MoxieLotta MullarkeyLou Briccant Lou GubriousLou NarryclipsLou Pole Lou SassLou Sirr Lou SlipsLou SmorelsLou Stooth Lou TenantLou Zar Loudon Clear Loudon NuffLouis Cal O'ReeLouise E. Anna Lowen BeholdLuca DeIrishLucinda CrotchLucinda HeadLucy Andesi Lucy LasticLuke Adam Go Luke B. ForuleapLuke Warm Luke WarmwaterLuna TickLuv Loz Lyle Ike Adogg Lyn O'LeeumLynn C. Doyle Lynn Guini Lynn Meabuck Lynn O. Liam M. T. BowelsM. T. HeadMabel Syrup Mack Aroni Mack Donalds Mack Kurrena Madka Owdiseez Mandy LifeboatsManny Kin Manuel DexterityManuel LaborManuel Transmission Marcia Dimes Marcus AbsentMarcus SatanMarge Innastraightline Marian HasteMarie D. AjurckMarion Money Mark D TimeMark MywordsMark Z. Spot Marlon FisherMarrianne RegretitMarsha Dimes Marsha MellowMarshall LozinaffectMarty Graw Mary AdalitalamMary Christmas Mary Gold Mary Juana Mary MeMary Ott Mary Thonn Mason Dixon LineMaude L.T. FordMaura DeSame Maura Less Maura Plause Maura TerpitudeMaureen BiologistMax E. Mumm Max E. Padd Max LittleMax OutMax PowerMay Belle LeanMay DayMay EyeMay FurstMay I. KissuMay KalivingMay O'Nays May TagMeg LomaniacMeg YermindupMegan Bacon Mel B'ToastMel K. WayMel LoeweMel N. Collie Mel N. OmaMel Practiss Mel Ted CheeseMelba Crisp Melitta ChickadeeMelody MusicMelvin Onupp Merilee WerolalongMichelle Lynn Mick L. ObeMick StupMidas WelbyMidas Well Mike AmeroMike EaserindacarMike EasterMike RaffoneMike RappMike Rohsopht Mike RowaveMike Stand Mikhail SnavyMiles Apart Miles AwayMiles Tagoe Milly Meter Milo OverheadMina Bird Mina DiscrepancyMinnie Blinds Minnie Skurt Minnie Sota Minnie Van DriverMinny van Gogh Minny VannMiranda RietzMiss Alanius Misty Bus Misty C. Shore Misty Meanor Misty RainMisty Waters Mitch Again Mitch ErmakerMiya Buttreaks Moe DeLawn Moe LestorMoe Mentum Moe Skeeto Moe Telsiks Monty Christo Morgan MindyMorgana PheelingMorrie DundantMorrie PulsiveMorrie SpectMort Tallity Mortimer LikingMorty Fide Mrs C Herring Mrs. SippyMuddy Waters Myles LongMyra GretMyra Maines Nada FriendNadia HeadNeil B. FormiNeil Down Neve Adda Nick DuppNick L. Andime Nick L. Odeon Nick Nack Nick NameNick O'Teen Nick Ovtime Nida Lyte Nile IsticNoah ParkenNoah PeelNoah VeilNoah ZarkNora GretzNora SpectNunzio Dambisnesse Ole MackerelOlive Yew Oliver ClothesoffOliver Clothesoff Ollie CherhatOmar GoshOphelia Payne Oran GeloOrin JuliusOrson A. RoundOrson Cart Orville N. Wilbur Osborne TarunOscar Demov Oscar NominationOswald MatungOtto B. Kilt Otto Matique Otto Mobile Owen DeBanks Owen II, the CountOwen Money P. Anne O'RecitalP. BrainP. Eve DoffPaige Turner Pam PerdbratPark Bench Park Inglot Park N. Ride Park Yercarcas Parker Carr Pastor AmmunitionPastor PhysicalPastor PrimePat Butt Pat MedownPatty Cake Patty Meltt Patty O'FurniturePatty Wagon Paul BearerPaul D'PlugPaul E. Esther Paulie O'VaccinePayne N. Sofren Pearl E. GatesPearl E. WhitePearl E. WhitesPearl HarbourPearl O. D'OrientPeg LeggPenn Sylpuscher Penny CandeePenny Dollar Penny DroppedPenny LessPenny LoafersPenny NicholsPenny WisePepe RoniPerl E. Gates Perry MedikPerry NoidPerry StroikaPete E. AtritionPete MossPete SahutPete Sapalla Pete Zaria Peter AbbottPeter Andy WolfePeter Pantz Peter PoundsPeter SenselessPetra PhydwoodPhil A. Delphia Phil A. MignonPhil AndererPhil DeGrave Phil Dove Dreemz Phil Down Phil HarmonicPhil LatelicPhil Likesheet and his brother Luke Likesheet Phil McCavity Phil McCrackin Phil McCrackup Phil MetaljacketPhil Mypockets Phil N. D'BlankPhil N. ThropicPhil OsophyPhil O'SteinPhil Rupp Phill Lynne Goode Phillipa GlassPhylis FormoutPhylis Officle Phylis TeenPierce DeerePola RicecapPolly EsterPolly Wanda CrackerPollyanna RexiaPop SicklePorter Rico Post, MarkPreston CleanedPrice WrightPu Ping Purdy Darn Kool Quinn TupletsQuint S. Henschel R. Dale ComeR. M. PittR. SlickerR. SoleRachel SlurRain StormRaisin HailRalph Upchuck Randy MarathonRandy QuartermileRandy StopsignRandy Udderway Rankin Smellie Ray Beeze Ray C. BarrRay C. FlaggRay C. TitanicRay D. AiderRay DioRay N. CarnationRay PistRay Pugh Ray ZerzedgeReba DirtcheeReba TweendalinesReed Undant Regis SmallprintRegis Treccione Remo Paper Renee Sance Rennie SonsmanRex DeCarrs Rhoda BoatRhoda BookeRhoda HorseyRhonda Korner Rhyce SaroniRich GuyRick Etts Rick Etty-Schpritt Rick Kleiner Rick O'SheaRick Shaw Ringo FireRip Chord Rip EatafenderRip Roarindrunk Rip Tile Rip TornRita BookeRita PalmRita PaperRita PloymentRob BanksRob BerbaronRobin Andis MerrymanRobin Banks Robin CradlesRobin D'CradleRobin Meeblind Robin MoneyRocco GibralterRock BottomsRocky BeachRocky MountainhighRoman NumeralsRon A. Muck Ron DayvooRon D'CampfireRose Bush Rose PetalsRosie Complexion Rosy BottomsRoy L. FlushRoyal PayneRuda WakeningRudy WakeningRufus LeakingRufus Lee KingRuss T. HingeRussell CattleRussell LeevesRussell Leeves Rusty BedspringsRusty BladesRusty BottomsRusty CarrRusty DorrRusty FordRusty Hook Rusty IronsRusty NailsRusty NickelsRusty PipesRusty SteeleRyan O'PlastySadie Word Sal A. ManderSal A. VateSal Ami Sal Ladd Sal M'Nella Sal Sage Sal T. Penutz Sal VationSam Diego Sam ManillaSam PullSam Urai Sam WhichSamson KnightSandy and Shelly Banks Sandy BeachSandy BeachSandy ShoreSandy WoodownSara BellumSara NarraSarah NadeSarah ToninSaron NeedlesSasha DealSaul E. Terry Saul Ted NutzenbeerSavanna LevinScott FreeScott Shawn DeRocks Sean TooseSergio N'GeneralSeymour Butz Seymour Heiney Seymour MoviesShanda Lear Shara Joint Sharon ApartmentSharon NeedlesSharon SharalikeShea Verpussee Sheeza Freak Shel VigoShelia Tackya Sheri ColaSherman TankSherman Wadd Evver Shirley Knot Shirley U. JestShlomo Sectshual, the Gay RabbiSid Downe Chad Upp Sigfreid Denroy Simon EyesSir Fin Waves Skip Dover Skip Roper Sonny Day Sonya MindSophie Bulanold Sophie Lirchest Sophie Lizcock Stacey Rhect Stan BackStan BymeeStan DandyliverStan DownStan DuppStan Dyerground Stan PatStanley Cup Stanley SteamerStarr E. SkyStella Virgin Sterling Silver Storm E. SeeStu Pendousdork Stu PidityStu Pitt Sue Case Sue CherselfSue D'BastardsSue E. Side Sue Flocky Sue PerficialSue PermannSue Purb Sue Ridge Sue Shee Sue Yourazzof Sue Yu Summer Camp Summer Dey Summer GreeneSven D. Ugetov Sy KadelikSy NondelineSy Philus Tad PohlTalia WuttTamara Knight Tamara Z. NotherdayTanya Hyde Tara HymenTate Urchips Taylor Maide Ted E. Baer Telly Vision Teresa Green Teresa PlaceforusTerra Pisapaper Terry BullTerry Clothrobe Terry DactulTess Tickle Thomas Richard HarryThor Aikinhead Thor SheblowsThurston UngerTillie DyesTim Buck II Tim Burr Tim Pest Tina See Titus A. Drum Titus Canbee Tom A. Toe Tom Aido Tom Braider Tom Katt Tom MorrowTom O'DyindayTom Uhhaukchahp Tommy Jeans Tony Awards Torah Hyman Tristan Shout Trudy LookinglassTrudy YerschoolTruer FaltzTuesday KnightTy CoonTy Juan OnTy Kwando Ty LenolTy Tannick Ty Tass Ty TwadTyrone ShoelacesTyrone Shoes U DeMannU. Arnold Phartt U. Ben Yakinov U. O. MoneyU.P. Freehly U.R. DumbUben Hadd Ulee Daway Uma Ghosh Upton O'GoodUriel Smart Ursula HappytuneUta Bomb Uta MannUta PayneVal Crow Val Lay Val Lee GirlVal Veeta Val Volean Val Yum Van Ishingpoint Van QuishVan Tasstic Vanna DesedaysVanna TeafairVanna TeapressVelvet Cushion Velvet Fogg Verna Lee QuinoxVic Tim MizeVic ToreeVic TrollaVictor E. Lane Victor E. MarchVinny ShinblindsVirginia HammVlad Tire Vye Brator Waldo R. Fastoria Waldo Walkarpiting Walter E. GravesWalter Melon Walter MelonWalter WalcarpetingWanda Hughes Kissinger Wanda PartyWanda RinnWanda Schtupp?Wanda Sleeplate Wanda Watts UppWanna HickeyWarren D'GulfWarren Peace Warren RemembranceWarren T. Watson Yurface Wayne Deer Wayne DwoppWayne Kerr Wayne King Weldon Chuck Roast Weldon RumproastWendell OtteryWendy Boughbreaks Wendy ExpectimbackWendy Goin-Getztuff Wendy Lottery Wendy ShoofitzWendy Windbloes Will BarrowWill N. Testament Will Power Will RaceWill U. MarrymeWill U. Suckme Will Wynn Will YashadupWilliam ArrymeWillie Arwontee Willie B. Long Willie BuyitWillie DewerWillie EverlearnWillie MaykitWilly Gofar Wilma Ballstopitchin Wilma Dickfit Windy DayWinn Dough Winnie Bago Winnie Dipoo Winsom CashWoody DuWittWright BallWynn Dee Weather X. BenedictX. Marx D'SpotX. Ray SpecsXavier Breath Xavier Money Xavier SelfYitzhak Ryme Yolanda Mann Yora HoggYork HuntYork RappYule B. Sari Yule Bringham JoyYuri DiculousYuri Greta RemarqueYuri JoyceYuri MemberYuri Nallisiss Yuri NeighshunYuri PulsiveYuri SponsibleYuri ThritisYussef UckinliarYves Drop Yvonne TibetZack A. Potatoes Zack Lee WrightZack O'ShitZack Ramento Zack ReligiousZalt Ann Pepper Zeke N. Yeshallfind Zelda Merchindiz Zoe OlogyZoltan Pepper Military Names Colonel O. KornCorporal PunishmentGeneral AdmissionGeneral AnethstisiaGeneral E. SpeakingGeneral IncompetenceGeneral PrinciplesGeneral StoreGeneral WeaknessMajor AssholeMajor B. O.Major DisasterMajor Hardon Major Lee Small Major PayneMajor Paynin D'ArseMajor ProblemsMajor SnafuPrivate PartsPrivate RoadRear Admiral ButtsForeign NamesAlcott YubolsovChew Man ChewDi A. ReaDobe Fugin WiddatDook N. PantsF. R. TingHaka Lue GieHenotter TitiovHo HumHoo Flung PoohHu Flung DungIman S. HoleKis MyassPee Don YuSchrivalup AndropovShiek YiboudiSom Dum GuySom Yung ChickTai Mai ShuTai Mi Shu Wong TernWong WeiYung N. DumYura StinkerDoctor's NamesDr .Ken HurtDr. A. SickmanDr. Achey Dr. AikenheadDr. AlbrightDr. Alden Cockburn Dr. Anger Dr. B. SickDr. Bacon Moore Dr. BjerkDr. Bloodgood Dr. Bonebrake Dr. BonesDr. Bozzo Dr. Bratt Dr. BrilliantDr. Busyhead Dr. ButcherDr. CallDr. CheekDr. Chew Dr. Chu Dr. Crook Dr. Daryl B PayneDr. De Kay Dr. DeadmanDr. Drewel Dr. Duck Lim Dr. EtherDr. Fang Dr. FearDr. Filler Dr. Flash Gordon Dr. Frank Staggers Dr. Frye Dr. GentleDr. Gore Dr. Grossberger Dr. GruntDr. GutmanDr. HandDr. HarmDr. Harry Bear Dr. HartDr. HeineDr. Hipps Dr. HollerDr. Howard Hertz Dr. HurterDr. HurttDr. HymanDr. J.A.W. Dr. James D. Cure Dr. Khan DoDr. Kidder Dr. KlotzDr. KluttsDr. KwakDr. Lana Cain Dr. LancitDr. Les Plack Dr. Lipkiss Dr. Lipp Dr. LipsDr. Long Vu Dr. LooneyDr. MangleDr. Meek Dr. Mehmet A. Okay Dr. Mohammed Behairy Dr. Mollar. Dr. MyracleDr. NastiDr. NervoDr. Nightengale Dr. OhnoDr. PainDr. PatientDr. PayneDr. PepperDr. Pick Dr. Pullen Dr. Pullman Dr. PulseDr. RashDr. Ricketts Dr. Root Dr. SchotzDr. Seymour Frankfurt Dr. Seymour WeinerDr. ShugarDr. Si Yoo Dr. Skinner Dr. SlaughterDr. SmileyDr. Spine Dr. Spits Dr. SpotDr. Swallow Dr. Thomas Glasscock Dr. ToothmanDr. Waki Ho Dr. Whitehead Dr. Yankum Dr. YellinVeteraniansDr. BarkerDr. BarksdaleDr. BassetDr. BowserDr. ButcherDr. DoolittleDr. FishDr. FoxDr. HoggDr. HowellDr. KatzDr. LeashDr. LyonsDr. NayDr. ParrottDr. PettDr. RenderDr. ShepardDr. WagyDr. WolffDr. Woof", -"1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.Her response was click.4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.5. I got a call from a man who asked, Is it possible to see England from Canada? I said, No. He said, But they look so close on the map.6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!8. A woman called and asked, Do airlines put your physical descriptionon your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who? I said, No, why do you ask? She replied, Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection? After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it, I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, How do I know which plane to get on? I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.10. A woman called and said, I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes. I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, Yeah, whatever.11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. Oh no I don't, I've been to China manytimes and never had to have one of those. I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.12. A woman called to make reservations. I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York. The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, Are you sure that's the name of the town? Yes, what flights do you have? replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere. The customer retorted,Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map! The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, You don't mean Buffalo, do you? That's it! I knew it was a big animal!", -"A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. Hurry! she said, stand in the corner. She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. Don't move until I tell you to, she whispered. Just pretend you're a statue. What's this, honey? the husband inquired as he entered the room. Oh, it's just a statue, she replied nonchalantly. The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too. No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. Here, he said to the 'statue', eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.", -"A city slicker decided to buy himself a pig, so he drove to the country until he saw a sign that said PIGS FOR SALE. Turning into the driveway, he spotted the farmer, told him what he wanted, and they agreed on a price. They went to the barn where the farmer picked up a pig by the tail with his teeth. Yup, that there swine weighs 74 pounds. Noticing the man's bewilderment, the farmer explained that it was a family trait, passed on through generations, to be able to precisely weigh pigs in that manner. The city slicker, however, insisted on a second opinion. So the farmer called his son over and the boy came up with the same result. The man was ready to buy the pig on the spot, but the farmer said to go on up to the house and pay his wife. The man could then bring the receipt back to the farmer and take the pig. After a long wait, the city slicker finally returned, but without a receipt. What's the problem, son? asked the farmer. I went up there like you said, said the man, And your wife was too busy. Busy doing what? Well, don't quote me on this, he warned, But I think she was weighing the milkman.", -"--That comment about Elton being twice the woman she ever was. --Caught Eminem fantasizing about killing other women. --Sick of hiding her love for the Insane Clown Posse. --Sure, he talks and raps like a black man, but when he takes down his pants... --Would rather end up like Nicole Kidman than Nicole SIMPSON. --Overheard 5-year-old daughter shouting, Faggot! while watching Mr. Rogers. --Recently overtaken by a strange and unfamiliar compulsion to live past the age of 35. --I mean come on, people. . . the dude LOST TO STEELY DAN!!! --Thanks to a recent surgery, her head's no longer implanted deep within her own rectum. ...And The Top Reason Eminem's Wife Filed For Divorce. . . --Sick of dating a rich, famous, abusive bastard. Would like to try a poor, unknown abusive bastard for a change.", -"An older man, Mr.Brown, in his hospital room knew that he was nearing his death, so he called in the three people that he trusted the most - his doctor, his pastor, and his lawyer. They were all waiting sadly outside of his room, when he called in his doctor. The doctor walked in slowly expecting to have to reassure the diagnosis. To his surprise, his patient handed him $30,000 in cash. Mr. Brown simply said, When I die, put this in my coffin. The doctor walked walked out confused and told the pastor that Mr. Brown was ready for him. Now the pastor walked in expecting for Mr. Brown to confess every sin he ever committed in hopes of ending it right. To his surprise, the old man handed him another $30,000; Mr. Brown simply repeated himself. His pastor walked out searching the possibilities and told the lawyer that his client was ready for him. The lawyer walked in expecting that his client would want to review his will. To his surprise, Mr. Brown handed him another $30,000 and calmly repeated himself. Later that night, Mr. Brown passed on. 3 days later his lamenting family members set up a small funeral in his honor. The lawyer, the doctor, and the pastor all showed up. After the funeral, they gathered and discussed what they did with the small fortunes so simply handed to them. The doctor spoke up with a look of defeat on his face, I was going to return the money, but that poor little girl could not afford the operation. The pastor spoke up with a similar look, I was going to return the money, but we were so close to the price of the new sanctuary. The lawyer spoke up with the look of triumph on his face, I knew that ya'll would fail, so I wrote a check for $90,000 to cover all of our debt.", -"Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to his mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said You must be an expert! The man replied, No sir I'm just a tax collector.", -"You Know You're Addicted to Harry Potter When... 1.) You make a wand and try to use it.2.) You call your least favorite teacher Snape.3.) You call your favorite teacher Dumbledore.4.) You wear robes to school or work.5.) You make floo powder, get in the fire, and try to go to your friends' house.6.) You have read all the books more than four times.7.) You've been bookstore at midnight to get the latest Harry Potter book before all your friends.8.) You've worn a Harry Potter costume in public.9.) You have a crush on one of the Harry Potter characters.10.) You've gotten at least one of your friends addicted to Harry Potter.11.) You actually caught the Wand Order mistake before you heard/read about it.12.) You are upset at the New York Times for creating a seperate childrens best seller list because of the Harry Potter books.13.) Using clues in the book, you have attempted to find the exact geographical location of Hogwarts.14.) You have constructed a timeline of events in the Harry Potter books.15.) You have attempted to figure out the exact ages of all the Weasley children.16.) You have spent time contemplating which main characters will die by the time the series is over.17.) You've been to see all the Harry Potter movies on opening night. 18.) You've read Harry Potter fanfic.19.) You've written Harry Potter fanfic.20.) You run a Harry Potter fansite.21.) You visit The Leaky Cauldron daily.22.) You've met other Harry Potter fans from online in real life.23.) You've participated in a Harry Potter RPG.24.) You've dreamed about Harry Potter.25.) You have a Harry Potter poster on your wall.26.) Each Halloween, there's no question what you'll dress up as...!27.) You've spent time doing a timeline to see if you would have been old enough to date a certain character when you were in high school.28.) You've vacationed to London, simply to search for the Leaky Cauldron.29.) You own a black lab named Sirius Black.30.) You've knitted a Weasley sweater or Harry Potter scarf.31.) You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to Harry Potter!", -"A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer. What a terrible voice! he said. Do you know who she is?Yes, was the answer. She is my wife.Oh, I beg your pardon. The man said, Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song.I did. was the answer.", -Why did the book have to go to the hospital? Because it injured its spine., -"Eminem/ M M:I don't like the rapper, but I like the candy inside the wrapper.", -1. You know you're a redneck when you go out with your girlfriend and you don't realize she has her other boyfriend with her.2. You know you're a redneck when you use a barstool as a walker.3. You know you're a redneck when your mowing your lawn and you find a car.4. You know you're a redneck when you fall asleep with one hand down your pants and a beer in the other hand., -"This little boy asked his mother one day why his father had no hair.His mother replied, Well dear, that's because he thinks alot.Having prided herself with coming up with such a wonderful answer she heard her son say,Gee mommy I'm sure glad you don't think 'cause you'd look funny with no hair!", -You know you're a redneck when your brand new tv is sitting on your old ones., -It's only funny until someone gets hurt... Then it's hilarious!, -"A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch.When he landed at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree, and with a sigh started to climb.About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mommy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?", -"A priest and a minister were going on vacation when their flight got postponed. They meet each other and deside to go across the street to a bar until their flight. Little did they know, it was a gay bar. When a man started hitting on the priest he grew fruious and the gay man stalked off. A little while later a big, buff man walks over to the priest and saysWhy the Hell did you start screaming at my boyfriend for no reason?The minister, seeing that the priest was at a loss of words, takes the big man out of earshot of the priest and talks to him. After he comes back without the big man, the priest asks him,What did you say to him?The minister calmly repiesI told him that we were on our way to our honeymoon and our flight got posponed.", -"A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a mob of kangaroos hopping through the field.He asks, And what are those?The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look,What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?", -yo mammas breath so nasty that when she burps her teeth have to duck, -"I went into your house, took a booger off the wall and yo mamma told me not to touch the family portrait.", -Your mom is so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag., -"Yo Mama's so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, Damn! Is it Halloween already?", -"This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.He says to the clerk, I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle.OK, says the clerk. What do you call it?A fottle, replies the inventor.A fottle? That's stupid! Can't you think of something else?I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton.And what do you call that? asks the clerk.A farton, replies the inventor.That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!In that case, says the inventor...You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.", -"Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.The moral of the story:1.) Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.2.) Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.3.) And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.", -"What did the clock say to the wristwatch?I enjoyed tocking with you, but now you're starting to tick me off.", -Do you know what style of shoes a frog loves most?Open toad!, -"Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.", -"Little Jimmy, Little Billy, and Jimmy's father were at an Art Museum. Little Jimmy was looking at a picture of someone in a carriage being pulled by a horse.Little Jimmy brought his father over to look at the picture, and he asked his father, Daddy, what is this?His dad replied, Why, that is a horse-drawn carriage!Little Jimmy excitedly ran over to Little Billy, brought him back to the picture, and said, Billy, a horse drew this picture!!", -Your Momma's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles people SLOW DOWN!, -"Don't drink and drive, you'll spill your beer.", -"Women are like beer. They look good, smell good, taste good, and feel good. But after a while you gotta have another beer!", -"Yo Momma so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out.", -"Yo Momma so poor, she wore her McDonalds uniform to church.", -What kind of monkey eats chips?A chipmunk!, -This is a list of the worst names to haveDick HurtzHary ParatesticlesMike HuntMike RotchAnitta ManwhoreAnitta JohnsonFuk YaoIke AnblowPeter PeckerI.C. WeinerI.P. FreelySeimore ButtsBo OoblessDick LessIssac LessTits McGee Ima HornibusterdIma UglibechIma Dick, -"Doctor, Doctor! My friend has only 59 seconds to live.Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute.", -"A man takes a day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole, when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it, and is about to shoot when he hears Ribbit, 9 iron The man looks around and doesn't see anybody. So he gets ready again, when he hears Ribbit 9 iron He looks at the frog, and decides to prove him wrong. He puts away his club, and gets a 9 iron. He whacked that ball, and it landed 10 in. from the cup! He was shocked, and looked at the frog, Wow, that was amazing he said You must be a lucky frog then.Ribbit, Lucky FrogThe man takes the frog to the next hole. What do you think? he said. Ribbit, 3 woodThe man takes out his 3 wood, and hit the ball. Hole in 1! He was befuddled, and didn't know what to say. He took the frog to every hole, and he golfed his best game.OK, said the man Where to next?Ribbet, Las VegasSo off they went, to Las Vegas. When they arive, he asks, Now what? Ribbit, Roulette WheelWhat should I bet?Ribbit, $3000, black 6After the luck at golfing, the man says, What the hell. Then, suddenly loads of cash came sliding across the table; he got it.He takes his winnings and buys the best hotel room, and he, of course, brings the frog.Frog, you have won me all this money, and I do not know how to repay you.Ribbit, Kiss MeWell, I guess...POOF........The frog becomes a 10 year old boy. And that, your honor, is how the boy got into my room. So help me God, if my name is not....Michael Jackson", -"I work at Bed, Bath and Beyond in the 'Beyond' dept.", -"If to give a man a fish, he eats for a day, but if you teach a man to fish...He has to buy a license, poles, bait, and sit on his behind for four hours.", -"Q. How many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb?A. Hey, let's go ride bikes!", -"Here are some excuses for if someone asks you to do something with them...I'd love to but... I have to floss my cat. I'd love to but... I've dedicated my life to linguini. I'd love to but... I want to spend more time with my blender. I'd love to but... The President said he might drop in. I'd love to but... The man on television told me to stay tuned. I'd love to but... I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. I'd love to but... I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. I'd love to but... It's my parakeet's bowling night. I'd love to but... It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. I'd love to but... I'm building a pig from a kit. I'd love to but... I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. I'd love to but... I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy. I'd love to but... There's a disturbance in the Force. I'd love to but... I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. I'd love to but... I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted. I'd love to but... I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. I'd love to but... I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. I'd love to but... I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal. I'd love to but... I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves. I'd love to but... My crayons all melted together. I'd love to but... I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. I'd love to but... I'm in training to be a household pest. I'd love to but... I'm getting my overalls overhauled. I'd love to but... My patent is pending. I'd love to but... I'm attending the opening of my garage door. I'd love to but... I'm sandblasting my oven. I'd love to but... I'm worried about my vertical hold. I'd love to but... I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. I'd love to but... I'm being deported. I'd love to but... The grunion are running. I'd love to but... I'll be looking for a parking space. I'd love to but... My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then. I'd love to but... The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. I'd love to but... I'm taking punk totem pole carving. I'd love to but... I have to fluff my shower cap. I'd love to but... I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. I'd love to but... I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other. I'd love to but... I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist. I'd love to but... My plot to take over the world is thickening. I'd love to but... I have to fulfill my potential. I'd love to but... I don't want to leave my comfort zone. I'd love to but... It's too close to the turn of the century. I'd love to but... I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary. I'd love to but... My subconscious says no. I'd love to but... I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store. I'd love to but... I left my body in my other clothes. I'd love to but... The last time I went, I never came back. I'd love to but... I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting. I'd love to but... I have to answer all of my occupant letters. I'd love to but... None of my socks match. I'd love to but... I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.And Finally... I'd love to but... I'm having all my plants neutered.", -Here are some excuses if someone asks you to do something with them...I'd love to but... People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.I'd love to but... I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. I'd love to but... I'm making a home movie called The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator. I'd love to but... I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer. I'd love to but... My yucca plant is feeling yucky. I'd love to but... I'm touring China with a wok band. I'd love to but... My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. I'd love to but... I never go out on days that end in Y. I'd love to but... My mother would never let me hear the end of it. I'd love to but... I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism. I'd love to but... I just picked up a book called Glue in Many Lands and I can't put it down. I'd love to but... I'm too old/young for that stuff. I'd love to but... I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair. I'd love to but... I have too much guilt. I'd love to but... There are important world issues that need worrying about. I'd love to but... I have to draw Cubby for an art scholarship. I'd love to but... I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others. I'd love to but... I promised to help a friend fold road maps. I'd love to but... I feel a song coming on. I'd love to but... I'm trying to be less popular. I'd love to but... My bathroom tiles need grouting. I'd love to but... I have to bleach my hare. I'd love to but... I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. I'd love to but... I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons. I'd love to but... You know how we psychos are. I'd love to but... My favorite commercial is on TV. I'd love to but... I have to study for a blood test. I'd love to but... I'm going to be old someday. I'd love to but... I've been traded to Cincinnati. I'd love to but... I'm observing National Apathy Week. I'd love to but... I have to rotate my crops. I'd love to but... My uncle escaped again. I'd love to but... I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.I'd love to but... I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar. I'd love to but... I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. I'd love to but... I have to go to court for kitty littering. I'd love to but... I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. I'd love to but... I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.I'd love to but... Having fun gives me prickly heat. I'd love to but... I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me. I'd love to but... I have to jog my memory. I'd love to but... My palm reader advised against it. I'd love to but... My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.And Finally... I'd love to but... I have to stay home and see if I snore., -"Here are some excuses if someone asks you to do something with them...I'd love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma. I'd love to, but I think you want the OTHER . I'd love to, but I have to sit up with a sick aunt. I'd love to, but I'm trying to cut down. I'd love to, but I need to eat some food for thought. I'd love to, but I've already used up eight of my nine lives.I'd love to, but the jury is still out. I'd love to, but I'm going to catalog my cutlery collection. I'd love to, but my cat has a yeast infection. I'd love to, but it's against my religion. I'd love to, but the voices say that if I go to work/school, then I will have to sacrifice an animal/small child/virgin. I'd love to, but I ran out of Prozac and I just can't go on. I'd love to, but I'm sorry, I'm being abducted by a flying saucer at 9. I'd love to, but I have to finish making my ear wax sculpture. I'd love to, but I'm right in the middle of knitting my bellybutton lint into a cardigan for my elephant. I'd love to, but I have to follow the directions on my orange juice container . I'd love to, but my computer needs tuning. I'd love to, but I'm painting my toenails. I'd love to, but I have a date in Transylvania. I'd love to, but I need to clean my carpet with a toothbrush. I'd love to, but the lawn's turned into a jungle. I'd love to, but I'm pruning my fishing lures. I'd love to, but I accidently took some ex-lax with my prozac this morning. I've been sitting on the can all day, but I feel great. I'd love to, but I'm passing a stone. I'd love to, but I have to degauss my monitor. I'd love to, but I have to deworm my kitten.I'd love to, but I lost my contact - I can't see. I'd love to, but I got snowed in. I'd love to, but I'm sorry I can't, I'm busy reading excuses. I'd love to, but some big kids made me do it. I'd love to, but I'm still looking for my other arm. I'd love to, but when an egg dish flops - those hens must have had a rough night. I'd love to, but my hair hurts. I'd love to, but I can't come in, that bright ball in the sky is blinding me. I'd love to, but I've got a highway pizza in the oven and I have to watch that it doesn't burn. I'd love to, but I'm expecting a subpoena from Ken Starr. I'd love to, but Ed McMahon and Dick Clark wrote It's Official... so I'm waiting. I'd love to, but I've been arrested for heckling at the ballet. I'd love to, but I'm busy taking all the sponges out of the ocean to see how much deeper it gets. I'd love to, but I'm steamcleaning my WonderBra. I'd love to, but that's the night I stimulate my gums. I'd love to, but my psychic advised me otherwise.I'd love to, but the Earth's about to get destroyed, I've got to find a ride off. I'd love to, but I have to re-chain my bicycle. I'd love to, but sorry, I'm sacrificing you to my evil Gods of death and havoc that night. I'd love to, but I'm sorry, I built a circular drive-way and now I can't get out. I'd love to, but I don't wanna. I'd love to, but No hablo Ingles . I'd love to, but I was doing yoga exercises and got stuck. I'd love to, but I'd be happy to after I bungee jump off of the Golden Gate Bridge without the bungee cord. I'd love to, but the voices said evil things might happen 'cause you're bad. I'd love to, but I'm donating a kidney later. I'd love to, but I've been sitting in this chair and my butt has fallen asleep. I'd love to, but I have a wedding to plan, a wife to murder and a kingdom to blame for it - I am swamped. I'd love to, but my dog needs to have a flea bath. I'd love to, but I just had a frontal labotomy. I'd love to, but I've got silver hair, gold teeth and a lead butt, I'm filthy rich! I'd love to, but I have to take the cat to the dry cleaners. I'd love to, but I have to rotate the tire on my unicycle. I'd love to, but my butt got stuck in the toilet, again! I'd love to, but I'm looking at a joke website trying to find excuses for all of the other events I'm trying to get out of. I'd love to, but no. I'd love to, but my inner child is too young for things of THAT sort of nature. i'd love to, but the government has me subject to random inspection. I'd love to, but I'm preening my duck. I'd love to, but I have to take my goldfish out for a walk. I'd love to, but I have to wax my butt hairs. I'd love to, but there is an angry mob outside my front door and back door and I can't get out. I'd love to, but my toaster is having quadruplets and I have to name them. I'd love to, but I have to eat my cat. I'd love to, but I have to breed my spoon and fork or else the world shall run out of sporks. I'd love to, but sshh i'm sleeping! I'd love you to, but I wouldn't know what family I'm in. I'd love to, but I have to break my great grandmother out of jail. I'd love to, but my dad just jumped out of a window. I'd love to, but I'm waxing my armpits. I'd love to, but I'm migrating south for the winter. I'd love to, but I have to go and lay an egg. I'd love to, but I can't speak any English. I'd love to, but I've got a severe case of leprosy. I'd love to, but I'm going to the butcher's to watch the chickens rotating. I'd love to, but my blueberry muffins are burning. I'd love to, but I got sucked into a hoover. I'd love to, but I'm dusting my duster. I'd love to, but I'm ironing my grandparents. I'd love to, but I have to comb my cat. I'd love to, but I have to change the air in my tires.I'd love to, but I fell into a shredder. I'd love to, but I have to de-worm my Grandma. I'd love to, but I have to think of an excuse. I'd love to, but I heard that my imaginary friend died. I'd love to, but god is calling me. i'd love to, but my mum's grown her nose back. I'd love to, but I have to do the dishes/do the laundry/clean my room. I'd love to, but I'm too busy ignoring you. I'd love to, it's just that my dog died and I have to flush it down the toilet. I'd love to,but I'm too busy staring at the sun. I'd love to, but I have to read my handbook of elements. I'd love to, but the Queen of Roses has left me with nothing but thorns. I'd love to, but my leg itches. I'd love to, but my mom said I had to rub her feet tonight. I'd love to, but Jupiter's in my rising. I'd love to, but I'm about to die, so I think it's best if I stayed here. I'd love to, but my dog's teaching me to bark. I'd love to, but it's evil I'd love to, but you do it. I'd love to, but I've fallen and can't get up. I'd love to, but I have to pull my popsicle out of my dog's nose. I'd love to, but I have to sort socks. I'd love to, but I'm busy chewing my nails. It requires a lot of concentration. I'd love to, but I have to iron my sheets. I'd love to, but I don't want to be seen with you, no offense or anything. I'd love to, but I have to go wash my llama. I'd love to, but life just handed me socks and now I have to arrange them. I'd love to, but I gotta go walk my turtle. I'd love to, but I'm in a place where I don't know where I am. I'd love to go on another date but it's my other girlfriend's turn. I'd love to, but I farted and if I get up, it will smell REALLY bad! I'd love to go, I just don't like you. I'd love to, but my boyfriend says no. I'd love to, but I've got the runs. I'd love to, but Fred Flintstone's stalking me. I'd love to, but I can't be bothered. I'd love to, but our weekly Star Trek meeting is held then. I'd love to, but I meet my psychiatrist every Friday. I'd love to, but I'm getting a tattoo. I'd love to, but I'm having my in grown toe nail removed - wanna see? I'd love to, but my orange juice box said concentrate. I'd love to, but I have to finish my replica of the Eiffel tower that I have made out of popsicle sticks. I'd love to, but I have to tape the Official Boy George fan club meeting tonight on the t.v. I'd love to, but you have popped my bubble. I'd love to, but I have constipation.And Finally... I'd love to, but I'm already going out with somebody much cuter than you.", -There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who can do binary and those who can't., -"There once was a boy, whose parents was a cursed a lot. One time, while he was on a drive with his dad, a policeman pulled him over and gave him a ticket. Bastard! the father muttered afterwards.The boy asked, What does 'bastard' mean? The dad told him nervously, It's a slang word for 'police officer'. Another time, the dad was walking out of the house. On his way out, he tripped over the doormat and yelled, Shit! The boy heard and asked, Dad, what does 'shit' mean? The dad said to him, It means 'doormat'. Later, the boy went into the kitchen and his mum was cooking eggs. She dropped one and yelled angrily, Tit! The boy asked her, What does 'tit' mean? The mum told him, It's another word for 'eggs'. The dad came back home later and went upstairs. The boy followed him up. The dad went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Seconds later he cut himself shaving and shouted, Fuck! The boy asked him when he came out, What does 'fuck' mean? The dad told him, It's another word for 'shaving'. A few days later, the doorbell rang and the boy answered the door. A police officer was standing on the porch. The boy, smiling said, Hi bastard, come in! Wipe your feet on the shit. My mum is in the kitchen frying her tits and my dad is upstairs fucking himself.", -"Here are the Top 15 excuses for if you are pulled over by a police officer for speeding, running a red light, etc.15.) Sorry, I slipped on a banana peel...14.) Oooohh, you're a policeman? I thought you were just another speeder! I was trying to get away so you wouldn't hit me!13.) I'm sorry officer but Dunkin Donuts is right ahead, not here.12.) I'm sorry officer, but I already have a date.11.) , say, What's a kilometer?10.) So THAT'S what those signs are for!9.) I'm sorry I was speeding officer, but I have diarrhea.8.) If I was speeding, you were probably speeding to catch me, so how about we forget about the whole thing?7.) Sorry officer, I was trying to kill a bug under my gas pedal.6.) I'm sorry officer. I just got breast implants, and when I wear a seatbelt, it hurts!5.) My wife is pregnant, I'm trying to get to the hospital A.S.A.P.! 4.) I'm sorry officer, I thought the sign said POTS. 3.) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are not any other cars around, that's how far ahead they are!2.) Ooh officer I'd love to wear your handcuffs for awhile, but I really have to get home! My husband is gonna find my lover locked in the basement!And the Number One excuse if you're pulled over by a police officer.1.) Sorry, officer, but you see, what happened is when I reached for my crack pipe, my gun fell off my lap, getting lodged under the gas pedal, and forced me to speed out of control!", -How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?A buck an ear., -Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?, -"These are actual announcements from church...1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 2. Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.3. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, Put me in My Little Bed, accompanied by the pastor.4. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.6. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper at the end of the service.8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.9. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow. 10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Bleser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Delser.", -"A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, What are you doing?She answers, I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free! Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.When she asks him where he's going, he replies, I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!", -"A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died. The man was very upset and yelled, You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away. The brother thought about it and apologized. So how's Mom? asked the man. She's on the roof and won't come down.", -"OK, let's consider the physical evidence. The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway", -"Yo Momma so small, she held up a sign that said Don't spit, I can't swim.", -If your dog farts and YOU claim it... you might be a redneck., -"A man had parked his car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an empty cart, when he heard a female voice say, Mister, are you using that cart? No, he answered...I'm only after one thing. As he walked away he heard her murmur, Typical male.", -"Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud, I feel like a new man!I do, too, a middle-aged woman responded, but I'll probably go home with the same old one.", -Yo momma so fat she doesnt have dreams... she has MOTION PICTURES!, -"Two guys were at the gym. Bob asked Ben, How did the date go with my sister? Bob replied, I didn't know your sister was famous. When I took her to the opera, and when it was over no one would leave until she stood up and sang.", -"A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?The trembling monkey says, You are, mighty lion!Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?The terrified ox stammers, Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle! On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like he'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till he looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant - Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!", -"Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again!Lester asks Billy Bob, So, what you gonna do this year that's different?Billy Bob says, This year, I'm takin' Marie with me...", -"Yo mama's so funky, they closed the beaches for a week after she drained her bath water.", -Yo mama's so poor she can't even pay attention., -If the most common phrase in your house is Somebody go jiggle the handle!... you might be a redneck., -What is more peculiar than watching a catfish?Watching a goldfish bowl., -"There were three prisoners who were about to be executed by the electric chair. The guards strapped down the first one, a Frenchman, onto the chair, and they asked him for his last words. Vive la France! he said, meaning 'Long live France'. When they pulled the switch, nothing happened. Everyone was amazed and thought that a miracle had occurred. The Frenchman was saved from death and released.The guards strapped the second one, an Englishman, in the chair. When asked for his last words, he said, Long live the Queen!Again, when they pulled the switch, nothing happened. He was saved and released.When they asked the last prisoner who was an Irishman for his last words, he said, Do you know why the other two prisoners escaped death? It's because you stupid blokes forget to plug in the cable!", -"I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?", -"In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent? And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, How, Dear? And Dot replied, I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable . Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. Dot did say, Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others. And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known eBay he said, we need a name that reflects what we are, and Dot replied, Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators. YAHOO, said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.", -Why did the banana go to the doctors?Because it wasn't peeling well, -What do elephants always bring on holiday?A trunk., -Why is a football pitch so cold?Because of all the fans, -What are Martians favorite sweets?Mars-mallows., -What do you give a sick pig?Oinkment., -Which fish is the most valuable in the sea?A goldfish., -What type of saw cuts the sea?A see-saw., -What is the noisiest part of a tree?Its bark., -"A woman and her goose walked into a bar. The bartender asked, Why'd you bring the pig in the bar?The woman answered, I do believe this is a goose! The bartender says, I was talking to the goose!", -"A young cowboy walked into a seedy cafe in a small town in western Oklahoma. He sat at the counter and noticed an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked, If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states, Nah, go ahead.Eagerly, the young cowboy reached over and slid the bowl over to his place and started spooning it in with delight. He got nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and noticed a rotten, dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately puked up the chili into the bowl.The old cowboy quietly said, Yup, that's as far as i got, too.", -"A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. Mother Mole! He called back down the hole. Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey! The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup! The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. I can't smell anything down here but molasses...", -"Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.He went to tell Edna the news. He said, Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.Edna replied, He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?", -"A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks, You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?The old man replies, I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. The journalist is amazed. How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things? she asks. The old man looks at her sadly. Like I'm talking to a wall.", -What do you get when you cross a chicken with a monkey?George W. Bush, -What's grosser than gross?When you find a used tampon in your ketchup bottle., -What's grosser than gross?When you're eating a bowl of rice crispies and one gets up and slithers away., -"A blond lady was taking a shower one morning and when she was done washing her hair she took the washcloth and washed herself. when she was done, she stepped to the left brought back her arm and swung. she did that 4-5 times. she was trying to dry the cloth. she finally just gave up. that night she told her husband what she did and he thought a moment and said honey. were you putting the washcloth back in the water each time? so the next morning the wife went back in the shower and tried not to hit the wash cloth in the water. she of course did not succeed. so again in bed that night she told her husband she had tried but she just could not get the washcloth to dry. so the husband said how about I put a little heater in the shower so that when your done you can leave the water on and dry the cloth while your shaving. The wife agrees and the next morning sure enough there was a heater. so when the wife was done washing her hair she didnt see the cord right there without plastic on it so she grabbed the cord and put the washcloth on it. immidiatly the blond was shocked to death. About a month later the husband married another blond. she did the exact same thing. so now he had married 2 blonds. now another month passed and the man was filthy rich and he was married again. this time he waited to kill the wife. he wanted to do some things with her before he killed her, get a child or 2, then kill her. so thats just what he did. so a few months after she died he went to a club to find a wife. he found this hot blond and he noticed she was staring at him. he went up to her and asked her if she was available. she said yes and they got married the next day. now a month later he said that it would be nice to have a heater in the shower. the wife agreed and when the wife was taking a shower the husband crept up behind her and tried to kill her. the wife pressed a botton and in seconds there was a swarm of cops. the husband was arrested for life. The wife he had last married was a cop trying to find the killer. she of course got the jack pot.", -My mouth has turned into a flower bed. It has tulips., -"At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. Well, Bubba began, We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go huntin'?' And then what happened? the officer interrupted. From what I remember, Bubba said, I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'", -"A man walks into a doctor's office. He says, Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! My elbow keeps coming untied. . . my belly button is out of order. . . I can't open my chest. . . I'm losing the leaves in my palm. . . somebody threw my waist in the trash. . . and my foot is only eleven inches!", -"A woman walks in to the hospital to visit her husband.She talks to the doctor, and the doctor says,I have bad news, and worse news.The woman starts to cry, asking for the bad news first.The doctor replies,The bad news is that your husband only has 24 hours to live.The woman starts to cry even more, and now asks for the worse news.The Doctor now replies,The worse news is that I have been trying to contact you since yesterday.", -What's the difference between a man and a condom?Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive., -"What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?Having an erection, walking into a wall, and hurting his nose.", -What kind of sign does a prostitute hang on her door when she goes on vacation?GO SCREW YOURSELF!, -"Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?A. Money.", -"Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm. The barman shakes his hand and says, I hate Indians; last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children. He then says, If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars. The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.Suddenly, Jeff said, Dave, take a look at this.Dave replied, Not now, I'm busy. Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, I really think you should look at this.Dave said, Look, you can see I'm busy? There's a thousand dollars in my hand. But Jeff was adamant. Please, Dave, take a look at this. So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're going to be millionaires!", -"A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.She spoke to the other bum and said, What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!The other bum says, Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.He yells, HEY WILLIE! FOR 50 DOLLARS, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?", -"Once there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his father. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy says, Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers.Wella Tony, Papa said, You see this first finger? You use this one to point to where ever you want to. You see your thumb? You use it to turn pages in a book, and your ring finger, you will use when you get married, and your little finger, you use to pick your nose. And the middle finger, well, I'll tell you about that one when you get married.Little Tony was satisfied with that and time passed. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding and just before he was leaving with his bride, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.Tony said, Papa, many years ago you told me to use this finger to point at what I want, to turn pages with my thumb, to pick my nose with this little one, and to put my wedding ring on this one, but, Papa, what is it that I do with this middle finger?Papa drew close to Tony and said, Tony, tonight you will make mad hot love to your wife many times, and you may getta tired. When that happens, and your wife turns to you and wants to make love again, that's when you take your middle finger and you poke her on the head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!'", -"A man arrives at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells him that he will remain frozen until his whole family is there. That way, it would stop him from doing anything NOT with his family.So, a couple years pass, and his wife appeared in heaven. She had died of age. She was frozen along with her spouse.One more year passes, and one of their two kids arrive. He had died because he was shot. He was frozen along with them.They all watch many more people enter heaven. They suddenly saw the milkman enter heaven. He did NOT have any family; he was adopted. But for some reason, he was frozen along with them.The woman and the milkman's eyes each grew very big.Finally, the last kid died of age MANY years later, and the woman, the angry husband, the milkman, and the 2 kids all were released from being frozen to go to heaven.", -"24 Signs that You're Getting OLD ----------------------------------------------------------1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. 2. Your back goes out more than you do.3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.5. You are proud of your lawn mower.6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.8. You sing along with the elevator music.9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, Did I wake you?13. You answer a question with, Because I said so.14. You send money to PBS.15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.16. You take a metal detector to the beach.17. You know what the word equity means.18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.19. Your ears are hairier than your head.20. You talk about good grass and you're referring to someone's lawn.21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.23. You can go bowling without drinking.24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.", -Always be smarter than the inanimate object that you're working with., -"A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing. The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. This recession's really putting a big dent in my income, he told them. From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.Look, he said, I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay? A lousy quarter? the drum leader exclaimed. If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit! And the old man enjoyed peace.", -"A guy gets a new job at a bubble gum shop. One day a guy comes in and asks, How much is your gum? So the guy replies, I don't know. The customer walks out and the manager comes in and says, You should of said 50 cents. Another customer comes in and asks, How much is your gum? The guy says, 50 cents. Then the customer asks, Is it fresh, and the guy answers, I don't know. The customer walks out and the manager comes in and says, You should have said yes, very very fresh. So another customer comes in and says, How much is your gum? The guys answers, 50 cents. Then the customer asked if it's fresh, to which the guy answers, Yes very very fresh. The customer then asks, Should I buy it? The guy answers, I don't know. The customer walks out and the manager comes in and says to the guy, You better do it before somebody else does! A robber breaks into the shop and says, How much money you got? and the guy answers, 50 cents. the robber then asks, Are you being fresh with me? and the guy says, Yes, very very fresh. Then the robber threatens, You want me to kill you? to which the guy replies, You better do it before somebody else does!", -"A man said to his golfing friend, I hit two of my best balls yesterday! Oh yeah? Yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker.", -"Here is a list of the ways professors grade their final exams:DEPT OF STATISTICS:All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.DEPT OF HISTORY:All students get the same grade they got last year.DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:What is a grade?LAW SCHOOL:Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:Grades are variable.DEPT OF LOGIC:If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:Random number generator determines grade.MUSIC DEPARTMENT:Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note .", -"A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.The woman below replied, You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.You must be a teacher, said the balloonist.I am, replied the woman. How did you know?Well, answered the balloonist, Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far.The woman below responded, You must be an administrator.I am, replied the balloonist, But how did you know?Well, said the woman, You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep. You expect someone else to solve your problem, and the fact is you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.", -What are the first 4 words in the Mexican National Anthem?Attention all K-Mart shoppers, -"A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, All lawyers are assholes! He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge. Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, Take that back. The biker says, Why? Are you a lawyer? No, I'm an asshole.", -"One day a couple of kids named Poop, Shut-Up, and Manners were on a bus. All of a sudden Poop falls out of the window! Manners jumps out of the bus to save him. So, Shut-Up runs to the bus driver to get some help. The bus driver asks him,What's your name?!Shut-Up.At this point the bus driver is mad. He asks, Where are your manners?!Shut-Up replies,Outside picking up Poop.", -Ever wonder why bottled water costs so much when there is so much of it?Spell evian backwards....., -There are 3 religious truths:Jews do not recognize Jesus as the MessiahProtestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian FaithBaptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters, -"ok, If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the Jags, and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers known as Bucs, what does that make the Tennessee Titans?", -"The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it. The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, He's been around here a long time - we'll miss him. Yes, Mom replied, But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes. Another child offered, Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him. But Mom was firm. It's time to take Danny to his new home now, she insisted. Go and get his cage. With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, Danny? We thought you said Daddy!", -"Two friends were talking.The first one said to the other, Hey, have you seen the movie, Constipated yet?The other replied, Of course not! It hasn't come out yet.", -Students... Take Note:Knowledge is power ...But power corrupts ...And corruption is a crime ...And crime doesn't pay ...So if you keep on studying you'll go broke!, -"Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east towards Georgia on I-90. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, Sarge, why'd you stop?You dumb rookie, replied the Sarge. He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him.", -"A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day. The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..I thought I told you yesterday to get out of here.", -"After every line I type, say out loud to yourself, Hairy PickleThere once was a guy named He lived in a town calledNobody did likeSo they hung him buy his", -"Yo momma so stupid, she thought that Tiger Woods was a place that was dangerous.", -"A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! The doctor chimed in, I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!The pastor said, Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?The greens keeper replied, Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.The group was silent for a moment.The pastor said, That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.The doctor said, Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.The engineer said, Why can't these guys play at night?", -"Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Oakland Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away! He threw another grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away! A car passes going 80 miles an hour, and he send another grenade right into the barely open window. I've got to get this guy, Al says to himself, He has the perfect arm! So he brings him to the States and teaches him the game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXIII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.Mom, the young man says into the receiver, I just won the SuperBowl.I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says, You deserted us. You're not my son.I don't think you understand, mother, the young man pleads, I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans.No, let me tell you, the mother implores. At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was attacked in broad daylight...The old lady pauses, then says through her tears, I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!", -"A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy! the Warden gasped.With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.Well, son, said the Game Warden. You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!Yes, sir, replied the young guy. But my friend back there, well, he don't have one.", -"My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.", -What do you call the best fishermen in the state?Master Baiters, -"Yo Momma so stupid, she tried to cut through a safe with a Laser Tag gun!", -In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired., -The law of drunkenness- You can't fall off the floor., -Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself., -"Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.", -"I didn't lose my mind, I just let it wander and it never came back. I miss it so much.", -"A blond, brunette, and redhead are talking. The blond asks the brunette, Where did you get those hair streaks? She answers, Its natural. The brunette asks the redhead the same question. Its natural. she answers. The redhead and brunette ask the blond, How did you get that green streak in your hair? She answers, Phhnnnggg, Its natural.''", -Yo momma's so fat she tried on Orion's belt., -"Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.The blind man replies, If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.", -"I was soooo ugly when I was born that my mum got morning sickness after I was born.The doctor came in to the waiting room after I was born and told my dad, We did everything we could, but he pulled through.I've never been able to understand why my bath toys were a radio and a toaster.And when I play in the sandpit, the cat always covers me up.", -14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR Pass My ShotgunPsychotic Mood ShiftPerpetual Munching SpreePuffy Mid-SectionPeople Make Me SickProvide Me with SweetsPardon My SobbingPimples May SurfacePass My SweatpantsPissy Mood SyndromePlainly; Men SuckPack My StuffPermanent Menstrual Syndrome, -What was the female math book that lived underwater wearing?An algae-bra, -"In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals. The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer's pig was murdered. Now the farmer took this incident very seriously, so he started an investigation. Unfortunately, the only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit.Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered the little pig, the farmer lined up his four prime suspects, a cow, a horse, a goat, and a duck, and told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the dirty deed.The rabbit hopped up and down the line, checking each animal, and then finally hopped forward three feet, and stopped in front of the goat.It wasn't me! It wasn't me! yelled the goat.The farmer shook his head and said, The hare's looking at you, kid.", -"Rules for the dog-_______________________1. The dog is not allowed in the house.2. Ok, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain parts.3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.5. Fine, the dog allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.6. Ok, the dog is allowed on the bed but by invitation only.7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.", -"A young lady came home from a date looking rather sad. She told her mother, Arthur proposed to me an hour ago.Then why are you so sad? her mother asked.Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell.Her mother replied, Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is.", -"The football players were doing very well in their games, but when it came to academics, they were failing. So the administrater of the school, who desired all of his students to graduate, talked to the coach of the football team and said, Coach, if ONE of your football players can answer a single math problem, I will not get rid of the football team, but if he gets it wrong, I'm afraid I will have to throw out the team. When the team was gathered up and a player was selected to answer the problem, the administrator asked him, Okay, what is 3 4? The football player thought and thought and thought and thought. After five hours and multiple countings on his fingers, the player said, Seven! The coach raised his arms and pleaded, Give him another chance, please!!!!!!", -"A redneck taped toilet paper to his television.He said, Hey, lookie here, now we have free paper view!", -"A road crew is making a giant freeway, when they come across a sign and a lever. The sign reads pull lever and end world. The workers decide not to pull the lever just in case.One night, a man named Nate is driving home. He does not see the sign, so he gets out of his car, and crosses the road to pull the lever. But, on his way there, he was run over by the car, and was never to be seen again.The moral of the story?Better Nate Than Lever!", -"A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach.The marriage counselor told him, If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder.", -"A newlywed couple was walking together, and needed to cross a busy street. They saw Officer Ed. He was controlling traffic, so he said to them in a sarcastic and nasty voice, Oh, so you just want me to clear traffic so you snots can get across? Oh, sure, I'll do that!So the couple starts to thank him, when he says, I don't know why you're walking on this nasty day, anyway! It's just about to rain!The couple looked up in the sky, but didn't see a cloud in sight. They decided not to say anything, and went across the walkway as Officer Ed stopped the traffic.Although, sure enough, it started to rain as soon as they had crossed. It just so happens that the man and the woman were songwriters, and they wrote a classic Christmas tune.Oh, don't you know it? It goes like this:Rude Officer Ed knows the rain, dear...", -"Knock-Knock.Who's There?Cargo.Cargo Who?Car Go Beep, Beep!", -"According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money", -"Live in a way such that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.-- Will Rogers, Humorist", -"You're so broke, your bologna doesn't have a first name.", -Kock-knock.Who's there?Please.Please who?It's the police! Open the door!, -"Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to get the mail it measures on the Richter scale.", -Remember- There's a light at the end of every tunnel... just hope it's not a train!, -"Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?I think so, the man replied. My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.I don't mean that, the priest responded. I mean, are you prepared spiritually?Oh, sure, came the reply. I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.", -"Recently, my redneck neighbors invited me to a party. Here was our conversation:Hey dude! Where are you man? We're having a great party over here. Why don't you come on over and join us?I replied, Man, I'm not feeling so good. I think I'm gonna stay right here.Well, hey. What'cha got? they asked.I got a case of diarrhea, I responded.Well heck, bring it along. These fools will drink anything!", -"Why is it called a soap opera when nobody sings?Can a unborn baby fart or burp?If a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a major illness worse than a general illness?Why don't they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn't it be better than root beer floats?What is the point in saying may I ask and then follow it up with a question? Is it possible to be allergic to water? When an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court, do they have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don't believe in God?If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it? Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?Isn't it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play with fire, but on Independence Day they hand you a package of explosives, a lighter, and say have fun?How come lotion is colored, but when you put it on, it doesn't turn your skin that color?Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?Are there pink lemons that make pink lemonade?Why do we say heads up when we actually duck? What's a question with no answer called?How do do not walk on grass signs get there?When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?What was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out?If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?Cute as a button. Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?Why can't you get a tan on your palms?And Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?", -"A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new Ferrari convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.Miss, the salesperson said, this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire.So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway.Country Music, she said, and instantly a country crooner was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, Oldies, and instantly she heard Blueberry Hill.A few minutes later, a guy in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic.Stupid, inconsiderate prick! she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Phil.", -What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?Kids don't eat broccoli., -"I wish my name was Gary Boone! Do you wanna know why? Because, then, my name could be goon... you see, because you take the G from Gary and the oone from Boone to get Goon!But, you know, that's not the worst nickname. The person that does have the worst nickname is my friend, Phil Hart. I can't even tell you what we call him...", -"Enter MEXICO illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense. Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical carefor you and your entire family. Try driving around as a Gringo in Mexico with no liability insurance,and have an accident. Demand bilingual nurses and doctors. Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc. Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, It is a cultural UnitedStates thing. You would not understand, pal. Demand classes on American culture in the Mexican school system. Demand a local Mexican driver license. This will afford other legalrights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal,presence in Mexico. Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all itsofficers.This will never work in the real world. So why do we let them do it to us?", -"Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. I NEED FOOD! he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. NO! Joe retorts. We promised. Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock. Just for that, I'm not going.", -"The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.No, the inmate said, just get it over with.Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go? said the guard. You didn't even want a special last meal!The inmate thought. Actually, he said, Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.The inmate started, One billion bottles of beer on the wall...", -"A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, Dear, would you like to say the blessing? I wouldn't know what to say, replied the little girl, shyly. Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie, the woman said. Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, Dear Lord, why the heck did I invite all these people to dinner!?!", -"Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marajiuana,Jack got high and unzipped his fly and Jill said I don't wanna.", -"Recently a family court judge was interviewing a 15 yr. old boy, asking him which parent he wanted to live with, his mother or father? The kid said he didn't want to live with either one -- that both of them beat him all the time. The kid said he wanted to live with the Dallas Cowboys -- they never beat anybody!", -"What's the difference between a prostitute, your mistress and your wife? The prostitute says, Are you done yet? Your mistress says, You're not done yet! And your wife says, Beige, I think we ought to paint the ceiling beige.", -What's the difference between a fox and a dog? About 6 drinks., -"Liberals want to solve the marijuana problem by making it legal.Conservatives want to solve the wife-beating problem by making it legal.Liberals want to strike down all abortion laws, so that unwanted babies can be killed off before they're born.Conservatives want to strike down the welfare laws, so that unwanted babies can be starved to death after they're born.The conservative would prevent rape by locking up his wife and daughters.The liberal would prevent rape by legalizing prostitution. Neither considers locking up rapists, because the liberal says it's society's fault and the conservative says it costs too much money.", -It's impossible to be a participant in the march of time and not get a few blisters., -"There was a girl named Rachel. She had a cat named Love. One day, Rachel was taking a shower. When she got out, she yelled for her cat, Love, but saw that the cat had escaped. She was still in her towel but she walked outside anyways. A cop pulled around the corner and said, Excuse me, Miss. What are you doing out here? Rachel replied, Looking for Love!!!", -yo momma's so fat that when she stepped on an air-plane she got arrested for 800 pounds of crack., -"You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice.", -"This joke is kind of dated but it's still funny.Al Gore, Bill, Hilary, and Chelsea Clinton were all riding in the Airforce One. Out of the blue Gore says, I could throw a hundred, one dollar bills out the window and make a hundred people happy. Bill says, Well I could throw ten, ten dollar bills out the window, and make ten people very happy. Hilary, not wanting to be left out, says Well I could throw one, one hundred dollar bill out the window and make one person extremely happy. Chelsea rolled her eyes and said Well i could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole nation happy!", -"When I was in high school I had a friend who had a wooden eye . He was very insecure about it. Come senior year he didn't have a date for the Prom. There was a beautiful girl he liked, but had a hairlip we decided to set them up. He goes up to her and asks her out to the Prom. She said, Oh, wouldn't I, wouldn't I? and he said, Hairlip, hairlip. and they never spoke again.", -"It is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, To think that right here used to be the Twin Towers.The son, not understanding, asks his father What were the Twin Towers? The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when the Arabs destroyed them.The son looks up to his father, and asks, And what are the Arabs?", -"A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, Perfect timing. You're just like Dave. Who? This guy named Dave. He always did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave. There are always a few clouds over everybody. Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, too. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He was something, huh? Oh, you don't know the half of it. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change one light on the Christmas Tree and I black out the whole neighborhood. No wonder you remember him. Well, you would too, if you'd married HIS WIDOW.", -"A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore? She said I love it but I have to stop eating it. Why? he asked. She pointed to her lap and said Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there! Let me see he said. Okay and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken. He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too! She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards.", -"A young woman asks her mother, Mom, how many kind of penises are there? The mother, surprised, answers, Well, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only.", -"SON SAYS:Daddy, how was I born?DAD SAYS:Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway!Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared.And that's the story.", -"Husband and wife are doing the spring house cleaning. Wife asks husband to hang some new curtain rods, but he can't do it without toggle bolts. He sends her to the hardware store where she asks the man behind the counter for two toggle bolts. He puts them on the counter, then asks, You wanna screw for these?No, she replies, but I'll blow you for the clock radio on the shelf.", -"Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,Quicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!", -"My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, He doesn't like men.Perfect, my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.", -"If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home, you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster, where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million, but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth, and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified, government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, and it could be conveniently attached to your belt. If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting. If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread and then pops it up like a jack-in-the-box. If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it, anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds , draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.", -"An old country boy pulls up to a bait shop with a stringer full of fish. A man, noticing the stringer, asks him where he caught all the fish. He said he was going fishing again, tomorrow, and if the guy wanted to come with him he'd show him where he caught the fish.The next morning the two men meet at the bait shop and head out for the lake. They row out to the middle of the water and the good ole boy pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws it in the water. All kinds of fish float to the surface and he starts pulling them in the boat. His buddy is shocked! He says, You know, what you're doing is not only improper but highly illegal. I just want you to know you could receive a big fine or maybe even go to jail. I know what I'm talking about because I work for the wildlife dep't and I'm what they call a 'game warden'. The good old boy takes out another stick of dynamite, lights it and sticks it in his friend's hand and says, You gonna fish or just sit there and talk about what you do for a living?", -What is Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy., -"One day a man was sitting in his favorite chair watching football when his wife walked up behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan.When he woke he asked, What the hell was that for?!?I found this piece of paper in your pants while I was doing your laundry and it says Mary Lou 555-5555. Who the hell is Mary Lou?!? she asks.Aww honey, that's the name of the horse I was bettin' on last week!Oh I'm so sorry honey!Three weeks later she came behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan and once again he woke up asking, What the hell did I do this time?!?Your horse called, she replied.", -Politics - A strife of interests masquerading as a contestof principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage, -Why is there an L in NOEL?, -"When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it's an anagram of 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not!", -"Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs. yet the mom weighs 30 lbs. more?Why do they call the small candy bars the fun sizes? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who can't walk why do they put them at the end of the bathrooms?Can someone give up lent for lent?Why do people say, You've been working like a dog, when dogs just sit around all day?If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?And why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?", -"Starting from bottom to top, a short explanation of each body parts uses1. Toe-Object used for balance2. Foot-Place in mouth after saying something stupid3. Shin-Object used for finding furniture in the dark.4. Pelvic area-pretty self explanatory5. stomache- stom ACHE... coincidence? I think not.6. Chest-What I like to talk to.7.Fingers-Keep away from car doors.9.Hands...10. Elbow-I learned to dance after hitting this11. Shoulder- Common site of burns.12. Mouth- Place foot here13. Brain- If you have one you noticed there is no eight.14.1/2 brain-If you check for it.", -"A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better! The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good! The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you'll feel so good! The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you. The lion answers, That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a freaking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!", -"One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. What the...?, he said to himself as a little blue dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. April! he hollered into the bathroom, Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear? She shot back, It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'.", -"A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself. A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears. A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book. A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean. A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call. A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it. A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight. A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you!", -This is not supposed to be funny.I want to make a public apology for the temper tantrum I threw earlier today. I still don't get it but I am sorry for blaming everyone else for my problems.AC3P1L07P.S.please vote this as funny so more people will see it., -"Yo mama's so skinny, when she wears striped PJ's there's only 2 stripes.", -"A man worked at a gas station out in the middle of nowhere. One day when he was driving home from work, he ran out of gas . So the man walks and walks and eventually he comes upon a monastery.He asks a monk at the monastery, Can I stay here over night? My car ran out of gas.The monk replies, You may; but you musn't come out of your room between the hours of 12 midnight and 6 am.The man replies, That's fine with me. The monk takes him to his room, and the man falls asleep.About 12 midnight the man is roused from his sleep by a horrible groaning noise that was coming from the basement. He gets out of his bed to see what it is, but remembers the monk saying that he couldn't leave his room between 12 and 6 am. The groaning keeps the man awake all night long until it finally stops at 6. The next morning the man asks the monk from yesterday, What was that racket coming from the basement?I can't tell you. You're not a monk, the monk replies.So the man gets some gas from the monk, fuels up his car and drives home. For a year that groaning noise haunts him. The man decides to become a monk so he can find out what it was. The man goes to monk school, and afterwards goes to the monastery that he arrived at a year ago.He asks a monk there, Can I stay here for the night?The monk replies, Yes, but do not come out of your room between the hours of 12 midnight and 6 am.Why not? the man asks.I can't tell you. You're not a monk, the monk replies.Yes, I am, the man says.Well, just don't come out, the monk says.That night the man is awakened by the groaning noise. The man thinks, 'I'm a monk, so I can go and see what it is. The man walks down to the first floor and opens the door to the basement.It had been bugging him for sooo long what the groaning noise was in the basement. It had haunted his dreams, scared him in the day, and he had gone through monk school and everything JUST to see what the groaning noise was in the basement. It was a strange noise, and he was finally able to see what it was, after a whole 365 days. He was just so excited to know what it was, so he wouldn't be haunted anymore. So he went down to the basement, sighed, and slowly creaked the door open to see what he had been wanting to see for the longest time.Do you know what the man saw in the basement? I can't tell you. You're not a monk.", -"The girl knelt in the confessional and said, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.What is it, child?Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.The priest turned, took a good look at the girl and said, My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake.", -"19 Ways To Annoy/Confuse Santa Claus----------------------------------------------------------1.) Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2.) While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3.) Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. 4.) While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. 5.) Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! 6.) Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say We hate Christmas, and Go away Santa. 7.) Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. 8.) While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. 9.) Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, For The Tooth Fairy.10.) Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, For Santa. 11.) Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed and when Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime. 12.) Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. 13.) While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. 14.) Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose! and fire a gun. 15.) Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. 16.) Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. 17.) Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. 18.) Paint hoof-prints all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been trampled. Threaten to sue. 19.) Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.", -"Little Timmy always sat in the front pew of the church and gave a hand full of change when the collection basket passed. One Sunday the pastor noticed that Timmy started to put his change in the collection basket but decided to put his money in his pocket instead. After service, Little Timmy rushed up to the pastor and wanted to hand him the handful of change, but the pastor proceeds to tell Timmy that he did not need the money and that he should put it in the basket instead. Little Timmy replies, Oh no, father, you need it more than anyone else does, because my daddy says that you're the poorest pastor we ever had.", -Did you hear about the inexperienced terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?He burnt his mouth on the exhaust pipe., -Q:What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer? A:The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead., -Your momma's butt is so big when she sits down she's three feet taller., -"1. You've named that purple elephant that follows you everywhere.2. Vision Imparment goggles don't change anything.3. You earn $30 by counting your money again.4. You use your beer belly as a coffee table.5. You fly home every night.6. Your wife keeps telling you not to light the house on fire but you don't listen. What does she know anyway?7. Your house is fire proofed but you still manage to burn it to the ground.8. You have a second, third anniversary.9. The dog is drunk to.10. No one you see can stop moving.11. You offer the police officer that pulls you over a cold one.12. The officer asks you about the vehicle you're pulling, you reply with whats wrong with towing a boat? to which he replies Nothing, but we do require you put it on a trailer.13. Could you ask your friends to get out of the boat, sir?14. Your designated driver has horrible gas milage... and you wake up broke.15. Your designated driver drops you off, when your boss comes out you think your wife is cheating.16. Then you think he stole your lawn gnomes.17. And bought you a new car.18. And you get fired in the morning.19. You haven't legally driven since you turned 21.20. Your wife doesn't even care that you're cheating on her.", -"These are all from my experiences. That's why they're funny.1. You build a miniature boat out of a hostess box, water bottles, and duct tape, and float it down a river seven times.2. You buy a headlamp, move it in circles on the wall, and say it follows wherever my head goes.3. You make a hand with some sticks, a plastic soda bottle lid, some bugs, and a magnifying glass.4. You pop each and every bubble on bubble wrap... in random order.5. You line up thirteen megaphones just to see what it would do.", -"Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.Two men are madly in love with me! Goldie says. Who will be the lucky one?The swami answers....Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one.", -"1. You yell and scream for help, and when it comes you ask for the remote.2. It is a workout to play high intensity video games.3. You decide to be a republican because you bought a truck with a republican sticker on it.4. You sell your step-brother's stuff on e-bay for video game money.5. You've hired someone to laugh at these jokes for you.6. You shop online even though it's more expensive because you don't want to leave your house.7. You died of a preventable illness because going to the doctor would take actual work.8. You've hired someone to sleep with your wife because it's to hard.9. You have the sofa in the back of the Guiness 2000 book.10. You, your wife, and kids all live with your mom.", -1. Your favorite movie was Kill Bill.2. Your favorite animal is a penguin.3. You think micro and soft describe Bill Gates.4. You would like to server Gates head.5. Your desktop picture is of tux burning the windows flag.6. Your motto is W1ND0W$ 1$ 7H3 root 0F LL 3V1L7. You can read the above statment.8. You think XBOX was Microsoft's first success.9. You would rather have a computer from Hasbro than Microsoft.10. Your computer can play solitaire.For you Windows users 6 means Windows is the root of all evil., -Your momma so white and ugly Michael Jackson took one glance and thought he was looking into a mirror!, -What was the witches favorite subject in school?SPELLing, -"Knock-KnockWho's there?Apricot.Apricot who?Apricot my key, open up!", -"Why is it that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up like every two hours?If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?If the weather man says it's a 50% chance of rain does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?Can't anybody who has a job go in the employees only doors at restaurants? Shouldn't they be more specific and say employees of THIS place only?Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway, aren't they?Did you know there is a page 666 in The Bible?If you could walk through the walls, wouldn't you fall through the floor?What does the T in T-Shirt really mean?Do birds pee?What does OK actually mean?Why do we say bye bye but not hi hi?Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?And why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?", -"Here are some fun things to do in a public library if you get bored there...1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly.2. While pointing to a very simple word, like 'the', ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.3. While looking at your book, turn so you're facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say PEEKABOO!!4. Put down your book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and either 1) say, Ooo, nice book, or 2) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like you're reading it.5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, You're one of THEM!6. Put down your book, and look at him/her. When they says something like, What? cut them off by saying, Are you accusing me of something?7. Read your book. Upside down.8. Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way.9. Flip the page every two or so seconds.10. Pick up your book, put it down, and say, Wow. That was a good book.11. Read silently, and then as if speaking to the character in your book, say, No, Jim! It's a trap! Don't do it! Then turn to the person and reply solemnly, He did it, when he/she looks at you.12. Turn to the person and ask, Have you ever experienced dj vu and amnesia at the same time?13. Start arguing with yourself, then when he/she looks at you funny, say, Ohh, I'm sorry. I was just telling my subconscious to be quiet.14. Sit down, and then say to the person next to you, Hi! My name's and I'm really glad to meet you.15. Ask him/her if he/she knew there are eddies in the space/time continuum.16. Ask him/her what species he/she is.17. Every so often, yelp in pain, and look at your feet.18. Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say, Got enough air in their? or, Settle down in there. I'm trying to read!19. Ask them what their name is, and then when they start to reply, cut them off by saying, No, it isn't!20. Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then say, Wow! That was a good one!21. Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a strange sound, or a beep.22. Announce the page number each time you turn a page.23. Constantly shift in your seat, and if the person next to you asks what is wrong, reply by saying, I'm constipated. Hehe.24. Spell every single word as you read it.25. Chew gum with your mouth open, and smack your lips while reading.26. Act like you're picking your nose - and eating it.27. Snort loudly, and gargle with your spit.28. Sneeze a lot.29. Hold your book right next to your eyes.30. Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.31. Stand up, and continue reading.32. Make a strange sound every few minutes, then act like you didn't do it.33. Bring a bag of cat food, and start snacking on it.34. Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon, then dig in messily, and crunch on it.35. Ask them, Got milk?36. Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.37. Fall out of your seat, then say, I meant to do that. Then do it again. And again.38. Bring a laptop, and turn up the sound, and play a very noisy game.39. Wear too many sweaters, and complain how hot it is.40. Bring one of those fans with a squirt bottle attached, and make it look like you're attempting to squirt yourself, but hit them instead.41. Bring a bottle of squirtable mouth freshener, and miss every time you try to spray it into your mouth.42. Wear A LOT of putrid smelling cologne or perfume.43. Spill that same cologne or perfume on their book.44. Put down your book, then say, Hey, ya wanna trade?45. Bring a recording of very obnoxious music, and hide it in a bag. Turn it up full blast, and accuse them of having it. Keep accusing them, then get the librarian to come. When they find it in your bag, yell, IT WAS PLANTED ON ME I TELL YOU! IT'S NOT MY FAULT! IT'S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY! ALIENS BEAMED IT INTO MY BAG! IT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T LET THEM DO EXPERIMENTS ON ME!46. Without looking away from your book, say to no one in particular, I know what you did last summer.47. Bring a piece of bread, and drop pieces of it down the little hole in the center of the table meant for cords.48. While reading your book, start humming a single note until you're out of breath, then collapse on the floor. Then get back up, and continue reading like nothing happened.49. Start singing This is the song that never ends. . .50. While placing small pieces of bread in a line, count one, two, three. . ., and lose count every ten or so.51. Bring a recording of a popular song. Play it on headphones quietly, but sing along very badly. Then proudly say to the person next to you, I took singing lessons!52. Turn to the person sitting next to you and say to them, Hey! How ya doin'? That's great, me too.53. Instead of a laptop, bring your entire computer!54. While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to every one, I have mail!55. Start staring at the person, and when you have their attention, announce, I measure sock by thickness!56. Turn to the person next to you, and ask them to pronounce their name backwards. When they ask you why, tell them that you are looking for hidden messages.57. State proudly that you have been to the 'other' side. Give no explanation.58. Suddenly grasp your heart, let out a wail, and fall to the ground. Then get back up like nothing happened.59. Collapse on the floor. Then get up like nothing happened. When the person next to asked what is wrong, look at him/her with an inquiring look on your face, and say, What do you mean?60. Say, It always starts so weird, and they do it so weird. When they ask, What? say, Ohh, sorry. I'm back now.61. Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, Never mind.62. Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, BUZZ! BUZZ!. . .63. Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, You're just jealous 'cause the voices are talking to ME!64. Say, Who's Freddie? Then act like you didn't say anything.65. Say, Argh! My central nervous system is shot! Quick! Give me blue china!66. Introduce yourself by saying, Hi! I'd like a hamburger, and a green South America please. When they ask what your problem is, say, Ohh, you're not my fairy godmother? I'm sorry, he must have flown into the bookcases. Bye! and run off.67. Continuously rub a book while chanting, Come out, come out. I know you're in there! When they ask what you're doing, say, I'm calling the book genie out!68. Run up to them with a book, thrust it under their nose and ask, Will you sign my autograph? Make sure you say MY.69. Get up onto the table, and start acting like a duck. When they ask what you're doing, say happily, I'm roosting!70. Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you're doing, say, I'm counting my brain cells!71. Stick a 'kick me' sing on your back, and accuse them of putting it there.72. Repeat everything they say to you.73. Ask them, Have you ever had an orange juice bath? When they look at you strangely, say, What?74. Look up suddenly and yell, Ohh no! When they ask you what happened, say, Nothing. Then do it again.75. Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, Where were you on the night of February 32, 1989?!76. Look at one page number, then a different one. They say in astonishment, Wow! The page numbers are in order! Cool! They guy who came up with that musta been a genius!77. Glance over your shoulder every few seconds.78. Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal otherwise.79. Say to him/her, You have the right to remain silent!80. Pat your stomach and say, Whoa. Human extremities do not settle well.81. Get a child's book like Green Eggs and Ham and complain that there is no glossary.82. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, Wow! Did you know that 'affirmative' and 'yes' mean the same thing?83. Say, Oomph! like you were just shot, and while smushing a ketchup pack on your chest, fall on the floor. Then get back up like nothing happened. After that, look at your stomach, and say, What? How'd this stain get here? while motioning to the ketchup.", -"An abstract noun, the teacher said, is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one? Sure, a teenage boy replied. My father's new car.", -"Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, What is three times seven? 22, Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked the problem on his calculator and realized he wouldn't get the job. About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, Well, you were the closest.", -"Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean? ----------------------------------------------------------NEW - Different color from previous design.ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.SOLID-STATE - Heavy as can be.HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.", -"You know you are addicted to coffee if ...You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.You sleep with your eyes open.You have to watch videos in fast-forward.The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.You chew on other people's fingernails.The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.You can jump-start your car without cables.You don't sweat, you percolate.You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.People get dizzy just watching you.Instant coffee takes too long.You channel surf faster without a remote.You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.You can outlast the Energizer bunny.You short out motion detectors.You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.You help your dog chase its tail.You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.You ski uphill.You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.You answer the door before people knock.You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.", -"Dept. of the Army Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft Commencing January 1920 1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly. 2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking. 3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around. 4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air. 5. Never get out of the machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the motor controls. 6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles. 7. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited. 8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles. 9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk. 10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines. 11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing. 12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way. 13. No two cadets should ever ride together in the same machine. 14. Do not trust altitude instruments. 15. Before you begin a landing glide, see that no machines are under you. 16. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated. 17. No spins on back or tail sides will be indulged in as they unnecessarily strain the machines. 18. If flying against the wind and you wish to fly with the wind, don't make a sharp turn near the ground. You may crash. 19. Motors have been known to stop during a long glide. If pilot wishes to use motor for landing, he should open the throttle. 20. Don't attempt to force the machine onto the ground with more than flying speed. The result is bounding and ricocheting. 21. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying. 22. Do not use aeronautical gasoline in cars or motorcycles. 23. You must not take off or land closer than 50 feet to the hanger. 24. Never take a machine into the air until you are familiar with it's controls and instruments. 25. If an emergency occurs while flying, land as soon as possible.", -"Mary had a little lamb,And a little pony too,She put the pony in a field,And the lamb into a stew!!", -"His death won't be listed under Obituaries, it will be under Neighborhood Improvements.", -"President Bush, Dan Quayle, Ross Perot, and Bill Clinton all traveled together to see the Wizard of Oz. Upon arrival, they were brought to see him.First, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart, so the Wizard said, So be it.Second was Dan Quayle. He told the Wizard, People think I'm unintelligent and have no common sense whatsoever. I want a brain. The Wizard said, So be it. Third to ask the Wizard was Ross Perot. People say I have no confidence, and I lack conviction. I wish to have some courage. The Wizard granted this wish as well.Yhen Bill Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at him and said, Well, what do you want? to which Clinton replied, I'm here for Dorothy!", -"One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did, advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Clinton asked. Cut taxes and reduce the size of government, advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Clinton asked. Go to the theatre.", -"Did you hear that in response to President Bill Clinton's habit of dropping in on the local McDonalds, the McDonald's national management has announced a commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton?Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, you never get the fries you were originally promised, and it's got half the meat.", -"Before his infamous haircut on the tarmac, Clinton asked his stylist Christophe, How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?Christophe replied just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and fifteen minutes later, Clinton looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200.Clinton gasped, You took too long, it doesn't look that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!Christophe replied, That makes us even.", -"Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station.As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary, I went to high school with you. She recognized him and agreed with him.Later, as they were driving down the road, Bill said, If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President.Hillary said, Oh yes, I would - he would be President.", -HOW TO GET A TAN WITH A BLOWTORCHHOW TO BE FUNNY by Gilbert GottfriedMY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O J SimpsonZAGAT'S GUIDE TO CITIES WITHOUT A STARBUCKSTHE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHIONTO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneresTHE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERTFAST EFFICIENT WINDOWS PROGRAMSHUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINATHINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis RodmanTHE WILD YEARS by Al GoreBEATING A DRUG ADDICTION by Darryl StrawberryAMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEANAMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERSCAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORSDETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDEDIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOBDR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHESEASY UNIXETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCEEVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMENEVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MENFRENCH HOSPITALITYGEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMESHOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER by Art GarfunkelMIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTESPOTTED OWL RECIPESFRENCH MILITARY VICTORIESSTAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESSTHE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORYTHE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill ClintonBEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver HOW I BECAME A STUD by Kenny GFUN WITH UNIXHow To Get To The Superbowl by Dan MarinoThings I Can't Afford by Bill Gates, -"A man was watching television when there was a knock on the door. He answered it, but only a snail was there. So he picked it up and threw it into the street. Two years later, the man heard another knock on the door. He opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says, What was that all about?", -"15C / 59FThis is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.10C / 50FThe French are trying in vain to start their central heating.The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.5C / 41FItalian cars won't start,The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.0C / 32FDistilled water freezes.The water in Vantaa river gets a little thicker.-5C / 23FPeople in California almost freeze to death.The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.-10C / 14FThe Brits start the heat in their houses.The Finns start using long sleeves.-20C / -4FThe Aussies flee from Mallorca.The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations.Autumn is here.-30C / -22FPeople in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.-40C / -40FParis start cracking in the cold.The Finns stand in line at the hotdog stands.-50C / -58FPolar bears start evacuating the North Pole.The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.-60C / -76FKorvatunturi freezes.The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.-70C / -94FThe false Santa moves south.The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu outdoors.The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.-183C / -297.4FMicrobes in food don't survive.The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.-273C / -459.4FALL atom-based movent halts.The Finns start saying Perkele , it's cold outside today.-300C / -508FHell freezes over, Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.", -"Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, Frankly, you're lucky to be here. The Pope says, Why? What did I do wrong on earth? St. Peter says, God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests. The Pope says, He's mad about THAT? St. Peter says, She's furious.", -"A couple is at an Art exhibition, and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men, sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis, and the one in the middle has a pink penis. As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the artist walks by and says Can I help you with this painting. I'm the artist who painted it. The man says Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have black penises. The artist says Oh, you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch.", -"If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel", -"Yo Momma so dumb, she was killed in a pie eating contest when the cow sat on her!", -"What does the O and the N stand for in 'CLEMSON'? The O is for honor, and the N for knowledge.", -Ever hear about the Polish athlete who won a gold medal? He had it bronzed., -"A 6 year old was in a car with her parents. She kept having sneezing fits, and she kept splattering snot all over the seats. Eventually, the Mum and Dad gave up on trying to stop the sneezing, and told the little girl to put her hands up when she sneezed. The little girl did so, raising her hands above her head, and sneezed on the Mum's face!!", -"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, I slept with your mother! The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER! The other says, Go home dad you're drunk.", -"10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunkBut the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.9. Our love will never become cold and hollowUnless, one day, you refuse to swallow.8. I bought this Valentine's card at the storeIn hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.7. This feels so good, it feels so rightI just wish it wasn't $250 a night.6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of classEspecially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.5. Before I met you, my heart was so famishedBut now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!4. Through all the things that came to passOur love has grown. . . but so's your ass.3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutieI just wished you had J-Lo's booty.2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or cornySo, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!", -Knock-Knock.Who's There?Tank.Tank Who?You're Welcome!, -"What did the tornado say to the pecan tree? Hold onto your nuts, this is not your average blow job!What has four hands and eats aunts? Two uncles.What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? Usually an onion with long ears, but sometime you get a piece of ass that will make your eyes water.", -What's a Jewish dilemma? A free ham sandwich., -"Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't I seen you before?'' ''Nice ass.'' ''I'm a Romantic.'' ''I'm poor.'' ''I need you.'' ''My hand is tired.'' ''I am different from all the other guys.'' ''I am not circumcised.'' ''I want a commitment.'' ''I'm sick of masturbation.'' ''You're the only girl I've ever cared about.'' ''You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me.'' ''I really want to get to know you better.'' ''So I can tell my friends about it.'' ''It's just orange juice, try it.'' ''3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.'' ''She's kinda cute.'' ''I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.'' ''I don't know if I like her.'' ''She won't sleep with me.'' ''I miss you so much.'' ''I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.'' ''Was it good for you?'' ''I'm insecure about my manhood.'' ''How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?'' ''Is my penis really that small?'' ''I had a wonderful time last night.'' ''Who the hell are you?'' ''Do you love me?'' ''I've done something stupid and you might find out.'' ''Do you 'really' love me?'' ''I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.'' ''How much do you love me?'' ''I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now.'' ''I have something to tell you.'' ''Get tested.'' ''I'll give you a call.'' ''I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.'' ''I've been thinking a lot.'' ''You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.'' ''I think we should just be friends.'' ''You're ugly.'' ''I've learned a lot from you.'' ''Next!'' ''I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?'' ''I gotta turn on my answering machine.''", -"Three men are fishing. One catches a magic fish that will grant each one a wish if they let him go.The first one wishes he could double his IQ. It is done. The second one wishes to triple his IQ. It is done.The last one wishes to multiply his IQ by a 1/2. The fish asks if he is sure; the man nods.When the fish grants his wish, he turns into a blond.", -"Actual bumper sticker on a jeep . If you can read this, flip me over!", -"You don't have to go faster than the bear, you just have to go faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.", -"If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, Quit while you're ahead?If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?", -"Q. What are the strongest days of the week?A. Saturday and Sunday, because all the rest are week days.", -"Yo Momma is so poor, I saw her walking down the street with one shoe, and I said, Hey, you lost a shoe. And she said, No, I found one.", -Yo Momma is so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put Okay!, -"The Goriest, Scariest, Yuckiest Top 12 Things You Really Don't Want To See Written In Blood...12) Richard Hillman did it and------11) Can you guess where your friends are?10) Your name signed on a Microsoft License Agreement9) Remember that kid you picked on during Junior Cert year...8) Your name on the bottom of a contract from Fianna Fail. 7) See! I can spell! Yor next6) Luke, I am your father.5) Where the feck are the Elastoplasts?4) Your overdue Visa bill3) Does anyone have a spare Tampax?2) Did yez ever wonder what happened to the blood you donated?1) Dude you're gettin' a Dell!", -"1) Umm...2) Well... 3) Hmmm, er...4)", -A man and his love had a terrible spat:She scratched his face and he knocked her flat;She spat at him and he threw her around;She jumped from behind and he fell to the ground.How sad to see such trouble as that...Between a man and his household cat!, -"Yo momma so ugly her reflection quit.Yo momma so old that when I slapped her back her boobs fell off.Yo momma so fat when she stepped in the deepest part of the ocean, she got her foot wet.Yo momma so old and fat, she told us about the story of how she farted and killed all the dinosaurs.", -"When kids say:The party is supervised It's supervised by a grandparent who falls asleep most of the time.I'm doing well in school Oh crap, I need help.It's okay, I don't need help Get the heck away from me.When men say:Hi honey, how are you? I've been cheating on you for the last 2 months, or, I cheated on you last night.When women say:I'm too tired to make dinner Who do you think I am making dinner for you every night? Can't a woman take a frickin' break?", -aaaaa, -"A neutron walks into a bar and asks, How much for a drink?.The bartender replies, For you, no charge.", -"Annoy People --------------------------------------------------------------------------------1. Pay tolls with $100 bills 2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot 3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it 4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two 5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April 6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons 7. Knock and ask How is it going? to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall. 8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines 9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom 10. Chew other people's pencils 11. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. 12. Wear large hats during the movies 13. Touch strangers 14. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus 15. Bite your dentist's finger 16. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 18. Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads 19. Don't stand during hymns and anthems 20. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa 21. Tell people they have bad breath 22. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 23. Flirt with a friend's spouse 24. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team 25. Shake with your left hand 26. Use the quote bunnies after every other word you say when talking to someone. 27. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you like it that way. 28. Drum on every available surface. 29. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 30. Specify that your drive-through order is to go. 31. Honk and wave to strangers. 32. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. 33. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 34. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. 35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 36. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 39. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 40. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 41. Reply to everything someone says with that's what YOU think. Annoy Cops --------------------------------------------------------------------------------42. Say out loud when he/she approaches you You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 43. Ask to see his gun. 44. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. 45. Say out loud Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job! 46. Slap his hand and say Bad cop! No donut! 47. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin. 48. After every other sentence oink like a pig quietly to yourself but loud enough for him to hear you. 49. Refer to him by his first name. 50. When he comes up to the car, say License and registration, please right when he says it. Annoy Your roomate --------------------------------------------------------------------------------51. Smoke weed. Do whatever comes naturally. 52. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. 53. Twitch a lot when you guys eat dinner. 54. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. 55. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. 56. Ask him/her to do you a favor and get you a drink, then when they bring it, slowly pour it on the floor. 57. Clip your toenails while watching a movie or eating dinner. 58. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin. 59. Speak in tongues. 60. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling. 61. Walk and talk backwards. 62. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them. 63. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, They're more than meets the eye. 64. Recite entire movie scripts almost inaudibly. 65. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance at art class . 66. Collect all your urine in a small jug. 67. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food. 68. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are. 69. Ask your roommate if your family can move in just for a couple of weeks. 70. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them. 71. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened. 72. Eat glass. 73. Smoke ballpoint pens. 74. Smile. All the time. 75. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate. 76. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously. 77. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you. 78. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances. 79. Paste snot on the windows in occult patterns. 80. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly. 81. Dye all your underwear lime green. 82. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim. 83. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet. 84. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it. 85. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents . 86. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty. 87. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks. 88. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them. 89. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley. 90. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with Didja ever wonder why.... Be creative. 91. Shave one eyebrow. 92. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter Gotta save space, twenty times while twitching violently. 93. Put horseradish in your shoes. 94. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want. 95. Always flush the toilet three times. 96. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often. 97. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's Pennsylvania Polka, and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class. 98. Give him/her an allowance. 99. Listen to radio static. 100. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up. 101. Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly. Annoy your examiner during a Driver's Test --------------------------------------------------------------------------------102. Turn the radio on. When the testor goes to turn it off slap his/her hand. 103. Beep your horn at everything. 104. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light 105. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, now which one is the gas again? 106. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil. 107. Fill your car with beer bottles. 108. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs. 109. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner. 110. Swear at everybody on the road. 111. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.", -"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home.You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...You finish off as an orgasm.", -"A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. Careful ... CAREFUL!! Put in some more butter!! Oh my Gosh!! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!!Turn them!! TURN THEM NOW!! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh!! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?! They're going to STICK!! Careful ... CAREFUL!! I said be CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!! Turn them! HURRY UP!! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind?Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!The wife stared at him. What the ^%$^% is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?The husband calmly replied, I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.", -"These two guys had both just gotten divorced, and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again.They were best friends, and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go, and never look at a woman again.They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it, with fur around the hole.The guys said What's that board for?The trader said, Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this.They said No way! We've sworn off women for life! The trader said, Well, take the boards with you and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.Okay, they said and left.Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.The trader said, Weren't you in here last year with a partner?Yeah, said the guy.Where is he? asked the trader.I shot him, said the guy.Why?I caught him in bed with my board.", -"One day a father and his daughter were driving down the street when the father said, Look! A bunny. Can you say bunny, bu-nny? Bunny! the daughter replied.They suddenly felt the car go over a bump.Then the girl said, Daddy, its not a bunny anymore. What is it then? he asked. The daughter replied, Can you say roadkill, road-kill?", -"What' did the bra say to the hat?You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.", -"A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a male farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. Of course the farmer is a blond.He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, Er... excuse me mister, but what are you doing?The farmer replies, I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.How? asks the man, puzzled.Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field!", -"Yo momma so stupid, she looked in the Cd player for her cassette tape!", -"If you can run and play any sport while wearing chanclas.... MEXICAN... If your late Tio left you a van and you turned it into a taco vending business, Yes, you're a Mexican. If you pronounce words beginning with the letter S by putting an E in front of it, , big time Mexican. If you call a chair, a sher, you got it.... Mexican. If you have ever hurt yourself and your mamacita rubbed the area while chanting, Sana, Sana, Colita de rana..... You're Mexican, big time!!! If you have your last name in old English lettering anywhere on your car, truck, or tattooed on your back, Yes!! you ARE a Mexican If you refer to your wife as your ruca, your hina, your wifa, your old lady, or your vieja, guess what? Not only are you a Mexican, you're a cholo... If you throw a Grito everytime you hear Vicente Fernandez, then not only are you a Mexican, you are a drunk Mexican. If you have ever been pinched in church and been told pobrecito de ti si lloras or vas a ver orita que salgamos Yes, you're definitely a Mexican. If you grew up being called chamaca or chamaco .... Mexican. If you grew up scared of La Llorona or with a fear of the dark because of El Cucuy, Yes! Mexican! Si te persinas with a lotto ticket in your hand before every drawing. You're in the Mexican Zone!!! If you ask for something by dame esa chingadera instead of calling it by its name, Yup! Mexican! If you constantly refer to cereal as con fleys or cake as kay-ke, You're Mexican! If you use manteca instead of vegetable oil and can't figure out why your butt is getting bigger..... You ARE a Mexican. If you have some Tias that dress up in their prom dresses to go to a birthday party at el parque, You are a Mexican. If your Tias and Abuela dress up in their Sunday best with heels and all to go to the pulga. Then, yes, you are a Mexican. If most of the houses on your block are painted bright pink, mint green and lavendar, Mexican! If you use the bushes in front of your house, the fence or the top of an old car to dry laundry, Yes, you're a Mexican. If you're congested and your mamacita rubbed Bicks, you're Mexican. IF YOU DON'T NEED ANY EXPLANATIONS FOR ANY OF THE ABOVE, YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE A TRUE MEXICAN.", -"There was a Mexican family living in Mexico. The father of the family wasn't making very much money and he decided that he and his family were going to move to America in order to live a better life, so the family moved to America.The Mexican man didn't found a job there, and his family was starving, so he went outside, climbed a hill, and bent down under a pine tree to pray for God to help his family get through their situation. While he was praying, a black man was coming out of a grocery store on top of the hill. He had a sack in one hand with a wheel of cheese in it. The bag was heavy, and right as the Mexican man was getting up from praying, the bag broke and the wheel of cheese rolled down the hill.The Mexican man saw it, picked it up, and ran non-stop to his home. He gave it to his wife and told her to make nacho cheese out of it. His wife said, Well, why can't we make something else out of it? and he said, Cause all the way home God was tellin' me, that's nacho cheese, that's nacho cheese!", -I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel., -"If you want to make someone laugh, use this line: Sorry. say that again. I couldn't hear you over my fart.", -"How do you know Adam wasnt black?Have you ever tried to take a rib away from a black man?How do you know when Mexicans are illegal?When you scream La Migra, and everybody is gone in less than a minute.How do you know when a white guy's family is really white?When he tries to be black or mexican.", -Why did the coach go to the bank?To get his quarter back!, -1.Your tires cost more than your car.2.You have a motor hanging out of your tree.3.Your trailer house tires work but your car tires don't.5.You write the girl of your dreams name on the tower and then the sheriff makes you take your sisters name off of it.6.You call your undies britches.7.The whole town is related to you.8.You got more trailers than cars.9.You kill your sisters boyfriends because they're trying to take her away from you.10. Your haven't had School learning because you don't now how to count. Credit to BLUE COLLAR TV, -"A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife, Honey, I got a new secretary, and imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good.The next day when he came home his wife asks, How was your day?The man say, Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!The third day he comes home after work and now the man asks his wife, And what happened today in your office, honey?She says, Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but hell, it feels good!", -"We have all had bad dates, but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter, snowing and quite cold; and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip . They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about what is taking so long? with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show; she took the prize hands down - or perhaps that should be pants down. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment? This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.", -"Once in medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest Weapon.The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose.The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate music.Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out. I have the mightiest weapon of them all! He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a 30 pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose.The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played God Save the Queen.", -"During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out, Hey, how'd you do that?I could tell you, madam, the magician answered, But then I'd have to kill you.After a short pause, she yelled back, Ok, then... Just tell my husband!", -yo mamma so fat that her nickname is you gonna eat that, -"Two redneck airplane mechanics named Jim Bob and Jeb work at the Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Jim Bob and Jeb have nothing to do. After work Jim Bob and Jeb usally have a drink on their way home, so Jim Bob says to Jeb, I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel. Since they have nothing better to do, they decide to try it. The next morning Jim Bob calls Jeb and asks, How are you feeling? Jeb says, Fine, never felt better.Jim Bob asks, Do you have a hangover?Jeb says no. Then he says, Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover. Then Jim Bob says, Well, there is one side effect, have you farted yet? Jeb says, No, why?Jim Bob says, I'm calling you from Detroit!", -"I thought Graceland was tacky.No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. Do you think my hair is too big? Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? The tires on that truck are too big. I've got it all on a floppy disk. Do you think this baseball cap goes with this shirt? Damned if that politician ain't honest! We're vegetarians. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.You can't feed that to the dog. Trim the fat off that steak. I just love the opera. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. Wrasslin's fake.", -"If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents. If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately. Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck. Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair. I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!! I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it. They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none. You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for. People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority! You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals. I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more! If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!", -"Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.Sidney thought of everything, she told them. Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.`Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'.What was in the envelopes? her friends asked.The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.And the third envelope? asked her friends.The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, So, do you like my stone? showing off her ten carat diamond ring...", -"You can be sure someone is an idiot when he/she:Spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said concentrate.Puts lipstick on their forhead because he wanted to makeup his mind.Gets stabbed in a shoot-out.Sends a fax with a stamp on it.Was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin' Free Lays!Tries to drown a fish.If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you'd getchange.Thinks socialism means partying.Trips over a cordless phone.Takes a rule to bed to see how long they slept.At the bottom of the application where it says Sign Here he put Sagittarius.Takes 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.Studies for a blood test and fails.Invents a solar powered flashlight.Sells the car for gas money.Heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moves.Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 bus twice instead.Takes you to the airport and saw a sign that said Airportleft, he turned around and went home", -"I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend. I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, Deepest Condolences, and sent the card to the funeral home that said, I know it's hot where you're going, but you deserve it.", -"A mother complained to a doctor about her daughter'sstrange eating habits. All day long she lies in bedand eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?Don't worry, said the doctor. Eventually, she'llrise and shine.", -"Yo momma so fat, she tripped on 4th Ave. and she landed on 12th!", -"It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.The following are this year's candidates:1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.4. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 a! after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx . The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.6. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.", -"One dog said to her pups, Don't ever bite the hand that feeds you. Any other hand is ok, though.", -"A boy walked up to a man and asked, Hey mister, wanna donate to the WE NEED HELP children's fund? the man said, No, but I will donate a pack of listerine bottles because I hope all of the kids' breath don't smell as bad as yours!", -"God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. Where have you been?God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, Look, Michael. Look what I've made.Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, What is it?It's a planet, replied God, and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.Balance? inquired Michael, still confused.God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things, God continued pointing to different countries. This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, What's that one?Ah, said God That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace.Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, What about balance, God? You said there would be balance.God smiled, then said, There is another Washington... wait until you see the idiots I put there!", -"A little girl is helping her mommy with the dishes when she notices that some of her hairs are gray. She asks her mom, Why are some of your hairs gray? The mom replies cleverly, Whenever you make me cry or lie to me, one of my hairs turn gray. The girl thinks for a minute, and then asks, Is that why all Grandma's hairs are gray?", -"A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.Fifty dollars for three questions, replied the lawyer. Isn't that awfully steep? asked the man. Yes, the lawyer replied, and what is your third question?", -You know you're ghetto when you carry food stamps in a money clip!, -"There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, Where do you work? The man said, Here and there. The judge asked the man, What do you do for a living? The man said, This and that. The judge then said, Take him away. The man said, Wait, judge when will I get out? The judge said to the man, Sooner or later.", -"Men can't pack a bag. Men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves. Men don't answer their mail. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a bowlful of jelly. Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. Having to do the Ho, Ho, Ho, thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.", -"A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens.The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price. This looks great, said the young doctor. I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on.It's just simple common sense, and a strong work ethic, replied the older medico. For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year. My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic.But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land, said the younger man.The elder doc replied, That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever, right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them.He continued, I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast!Of course, that's just the beginning. A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working. Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright.I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!", -"A nun had to use the bathroom, so she went into a bar, the first place she could find. She noticed that every time the lights went out, everybody cheered. She went up to the bartender and asked him why. He said she would be better off not knowing, so she asked where the bathroom is. He gave her directions. When she got there she saw a big naked statue with a fig leaf covering you-know-where. When she exited the bathroom everybody cheered. She asked the bartender why, and he replied,Every time someone lifts the fig leaf, the lights go out.", -"This Is A True Story, It Really HappenedAn elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.", -What kind of shoes do you wear to the beach?SANDals!, -Knock-KnockWho's there?A little old lady.A little old lady who?I didn't know you could yodel!, -"A Unitarian Universalist walks into a fabric store and asks the clerk for nine yards of material. The clerk asks, What are you going to make? The UU says, I'm making a nightgown for myself as a present for my husband. The clerk says, But nine yards is way too much material for a nightgown. The UU says, I know, but my husband would rather seek than find.", -"Dogs have masters, cats have staff.", -"Please note that Banks are installing new Drive-through teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. MALE PROCEDURE-----------------------1. Drive up to the cash machine.2. Put down your car window.3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.6. Put window up.7. Drive off.FEMALE PROCEDURE-------------------------1. Drive up to cash machine.2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.3. Set parking brake, put the window down.4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.5. Turn the radio down.6. Attempt to insert card into machine.7. Attempt to insert card into machine.8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.9. Insert card.10. Re-insert card the right side up.11. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.12. Enter PIN.13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.14. Enter amount of cash required.15. Check make up in rear view mirror.16. Retrieve cash and receipt.17. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.18. Place receipt in back of checkbook.19. Re-check make-up again.20. Drive forwards 2 feet.21. Reverse back to cash machine.22. Retrieve card.23. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.24. Give appropriate glares to irate male drivers queuing behind. 25. Restart stalled engine and pull off.26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.27. Release parking brake.", -"I did not kill my lovely wife,I did not slash her with a knife.I did not bonk her on the head,I did not know that she was dead.I stayed at home that fateful night,I took a cab, then took a flight.The bag I had was just for me.My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.When I came home I had a gash,My hand was cut from broken glass,I cut my hand on broken glass,A broken glass did cause that gash.I have nothing, nothing to hide.My friend, he took me for a ride;Did you take this person's life?Did you do it with a knife?I did not do it with a knife,I did not, could not kill my wife.I did not do this awful crime,I could not, would not any time.Did you hit her from above?Did you drop this bloody glove?I did not hit her from above,I cannot even wear that glove,I did not do it with a knife.I did not, could not kill my wife,I did not do this awful crime.I could not, would not, any time.And now I'm free, I can return,To my house for which I yearn,And to my family whom I love.Hey, now I'm free - give back my glove!", -"Yo Mama So Ugly...she put the Boogie man outta business.she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pittwhen she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already...when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure! and her Poppa said, Yes, now let's go and bury her...they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote!your Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye...she put Marilyn Manson out of business.she was a guard at Snake Mountainthey knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock...even Harry Knowles refused to date her.they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.your papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.I heard your Father first met her at the Zoo.her shadow gave up.people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her...her mom had to be pissed drunk just to breast feed her.when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.hotel managers use her picture to keep away the rats.instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.they gave her a middle name...'accident'.she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her...when she was born the Doc smacked her face.Your mamma's so Ugly that she's got her very own Crazy Pranks Hilarious Gags named after her...", -"A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. I'm as sober as you are, your honor, the man claimed.The judge replied, Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days in jail.", -"The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.", -"Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.What on earth did you do that for? shouts Frank., You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze.Matt replies, And we weren't?", -"Knock, knock.Who's There?Yule.Yule who?Yule never know until you open the door!", -"1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, I didn't know I had one of THOSE!2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those. Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune It's a Small World After All.7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering.10. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.11. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of Old McDonald Had A Farm, making the sound of their animal in the stall.12. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.13. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.14. As you are bathing exclaim you never knew you had a growth.15. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.", -"For those of you that remember the old Mitch Miller song Sweet Violets This is a crude take off on it... There was a young farmer who lived on a rockHe liked to count sheep while he fingered his...Marbles and toys as in days of old yoreAnd for a companion he had a young...Maiden whose passion was playing with dollsShe told him she wanted to nuzzle his...Sweet violetsSweeter than the rosesCovered all over from head to toeIn sweet violetsThe farmer was pleased with all of his luckShe claimed that she'd show him a new way to...Bring up the children and teach them to knitWhile the boys in the barnyard were shoveling...Hay from the stables and filling the rickHe told her he'd let her grab hold of his...Long middle finger which had a slight rashTo soothe it he jammed it right into her...Sweet violetsSweeter than the rosesCovered all over from head to toeIn sweet violetsThe farmer then left her and went off to huntHe said, While I'm gone take good care of your...Little pet rabbit which plays in the grass'Cause when I get home I will grab me some...Sweet violetsSweeter than the rosesCovered all over from head to toeIn sweet violetsThe maiden was shocked at his strength and his forceShe could tell that he was hung like a...Hammock which sailors do sleep in a lotHe said from now on I will call you my...Twinkle-toed lassie. She said,I'm Regina.Now don't you get lost in my cavernous...Sweet violetsSweeter than the rosesCovered all over from head to toeIn sweet violets", -Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women...1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10., -Wait a second!!! I am NOT a loser! I have tried. I am a failure., -"Dear Mom and Dad,Our scoutmaster told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two of our sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily none us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Long got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Don't worry it didn't hurt anything very much, just burned part of the chow hall. Scoutmaster Long said we will have to wash the black stuff off of the meat that used to be in the cooler but he said it would be alright. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.We will come home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Long gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Long said that with a car that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in the car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Long is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. Especially when that wheel came off when we were going around this steep curve. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. He only lets him drive on them mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. I'm glad Terry wasn't driving when the wheel came off. We probably would have went off the cliff.This morning all the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Long wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of the cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Long isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. When I can I will tell you how we lost them. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.Guess what? We have passed all our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Also, Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Long said it was probably just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way sometimes from the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.He said he sure figured out how to get things done while he was doing his time.I have to go now, we are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Scoutmaster Long has a big pistol and he is going to teach us how to shoot it. The reason we have to buy more bullets is Jimmy threw all of the others in the fire. It sure was a loud noise. It was neat though, it sounded like a bunch of bees flying out of the fire. Scoutmaster Long said not to tell any one because some of the tents got holes in them from the bullets and he said he is not supposed to have a gun but he didn't say why. Don't worry we put duct tape over the holes in the tents. Scoutmaster Long says that is the best stuff to fix anything. He should know, the seats in his old car has it all over them, so does the dash.Don't worry about anything. We are fine.Love, Cole P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?", -Yo momma so stupid that she forgot where she parked her car in an empty parking lot!, -"Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests. See if a yawn really is contagious. Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher. Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs. Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B' and so on through the alphabet. Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front. Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes. Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed. Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room. Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn. Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles. Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone. By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards. Try to raise one eyebrow. Crack your knuckles. Twiddle your thumbs. Twiddle your neighbor's thumbs. Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.", -What did the male rabbit buy the female rabbit for her birthday?14 carrot gold!, -Why couldn't the glass fool anybody?Because everybody could see right through him!, -"A general store owner hired a young female clerk who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea. I'd like some raisin bread please, the man said. The clerk nodded and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descended the ladder he mused that he really should get two loaves as he was having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requested his own loaf of raisin bread so he could continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seemed to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she was tired, irritated, and thinking that she should really try this bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stopped and fumed, glaring at the men standing below. She noticed an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells, Is yours raisin, too? No, croaked the old man, but it's startin' to twitch.", -"A blond is in math class. The teacher says, We are going to be learning about pi today. Does anyone know what that is? The blond says I do. I made a cherry one this morning.", -Knock KnockWho's there?CandyCandy who?Candy have some sweets? Please!, -"A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name.Carmen, she replied.That's a nice name, he said warming up the conversation.Who named you, your mother? No, I named myself, she answered.Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?Because I like cars, and I like men, she said.So, what's your name? she asked.Beerf$%^.", -Knock KnockWho's there?Snowflake.Snowflake who?There's snowflake like home!, -"1. The Yankees General Manager's name is Brian Cashman.2. Barry Bonds' initals are BB, the abreviation for a walk is also BB.", -What key opens no lock?A Monkey!, -What key opens no lock?A Turkey!, -Why was six afraid of seven?Because seven ate nine!, -"The Hodja was selling olives at the market and business was slow. He called to a woman who was passing by and tried to entice her. She shook her head and told him she didn't have any money with her.No problem, the Hodja grinned. You can pay me later. She still looked hesitant, so he offered her one to taste.Oh no, I can't, I'm fasting, she responded.Fasting? But Ramadan was 6 months ago!Yes, well, I missed a day and I'm making it up now. Go ahead and give me a kilo of the black olives.Forget it! shouted the Hodja. If it took you 6 months to pay back a debt you owed ALLAH, who knows when you'll get around to paying me!", -"There was a big moron and a little moron, sitting on a ledge. The big moron fell off. Why?Because the little moron was a little more on.", -Don't let your mind wander. It's too small to be out on its own., -"Cathy was looking through the window of a clothes store when she spotted a pair of short-shorts. Wow, these pants are half off! she told her uncle. Her uncle said They should be, they are only a half pair of pants.", -"What's the difference between an ice-cream?--------------------A motorcycle, it has no wheels.-------------------Hehe, you should have seen your face!!!", -"After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board, said the minister.I know, said the man. If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him.", -Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?She couldn't control her pupils!, -"Lisa was playing bowling with her friend Marie. Lisa got a strike, then one more strike. Then, she got another strike. She had just gotten 3 strikes in a row! I just got 3 strikes in a row! said Lisa.Marie said, You're out, you just got 3 strikes in a row!", -"A gazelle goes out for her usual afternoon walk. About an hour later, she realizes that she is lost out in the open. Unskilled in the ways of the real world, she asks a cheetah, Excuse me sir, do you know what time it is? With a grin, the cheetah said, It's lunchtime.", -"A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. Look! she said, I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up. so surprise me! He did just that, so for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Nobody has seen or heard from him since.", -"In my holiday to one Asian country, I happened to make a friendship with a local guy while I was drinking a softdrink Fanta. He speaks broken English, but I can fairly understand him. I offered him a softdrink, to that he choose Coco Cola. The guy was showing some postcard of Mountains to me. They are really beautiful and just remarked Fantastic!.I also showed him some beautiful pictures of country side stored in my digital camera, where I have trekked. To my surprise! Can you guess what was his remark? ... ... ... ... ... ...He remarked Coco Colastic!", -"How do you make one disappear?Add the letter g, to make it GONE!", -Why did the man put his money in the freezer?He wanted cold hard cash!, -"What did the porcupine say to the cactus?Is that you, mommy?", -What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?Frostbite, -"Yo momma is so dumb, she tried to fix breaking news!", -What is a cat's favorite part of the computer?The mouse!, -What's a ghost's least favorite room in a house?-The living room, -Knock-knockWho's there?OliveOlive who?Olive you!!!, -Why did the kid walk backwards to school?Because it was back to school day!, -How do spell mousetrap with only three letters?C-A-T, -"Once there was this Australian guy, an English guy, and an American guy. They all went into a furniture store to by a chair that played music when you sat on it . The next day the Australian guy comes back and says he wants to return the chair. When the clerk asks why he says it's too hard, so the clerk gives him his money back. The day after that the English guy comes back and says he wants to return the chair and again when the clerk asks why, he says it was too hard. So the clerk gives him his money back. The next day the American guy comes back and asks to return the chair. The clerk, getting somewhat annoyed by this time, says, Let me guess, it's too hard right? The American guy says, No, the chair plays the National Anthem so whenever I sit down I have to stand up again, but then the music stops so I sit down and stand up! Up, down, up, down and so on.", -"One eye says to the other eye, Between you and me, something smells.", -Where does a judge eat lunch?At the food court!, -Why did 3 blonds jump off the building?To see if their maxi-pads had wings!, -"This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.", -"Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, A lawyer!", -"Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence. Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before. Satan! beckoned God. You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs! Yeah? What if I don't? replied the devil.I'll sue you if I have to, answered God.Sure, laughed Satan. Where are you going to find a lawyer?", -"THE KIDDIE PICK...When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK...When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.FAKE NOSE SCRATCH...When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT...You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.SURPRISE PICKINGS...When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.AUTO PICK...The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking.PICK YOUR BRAINS...Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.PICK AND SAVE...When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.PICK AND ROLL...No explanation needed.PICK AND FLICK...Ditto.PICK AND STICK...You wanted it to be a Pick and Flick, but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.PAY DIRT...The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.", -"Three youngsters are having hot discussion, about whose father is the tallest one.The first one said, My father is just like statue of Liberty. Your hat will fall off if you look at himThe second one does not want to loose the discussion. He added, That's nothing! You can not see my father's hands, when he stands up and waves. They vanish in the clouds.The third one, a born winner in the discussion, confidently added, Did your father's hands feel something, when he was waving in the clouds?The second one replied confidently that he is going to win the discussion, Why, certainly, he once told me his hands felt something up in the clouds and he tried to pull that.The third one said, That something was my father's under pant. He once complained that they are being pulled by someone while standing.", -JUST because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I, -When I die I want to go peacefully - like my grandfather did - in his sleep.Not screaming like the passengers in his car., -"Why are there no phone books in China?Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.", -"Miscellaneous yo mama jokesYo mama feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!Yo mama aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back!Yo mama lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray.It took yo mama 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get used to the front seat!Yo mama hips are so big, people set their drinks on them.Yo mama hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.Yo mama so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.Yo mama so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.Yo mama twice the man you are.Yo mama cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.Yo mama is missing a finger and can't count past nine.Yo mama arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.Yo mama middle name is Rambo.Yo mama in a wheelchair and says, You ain't gonna puch me 'round no more.Yo mama rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.Yo mama so stupid was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday.Yo mama mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.Yo mama gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.Yo mama breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.I saw your mama at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle.I saw your mama kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was doing, and she said Moving.Yo mama teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.", -Did you hear about the new muslim air mattress?It blows itself up., -Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?, -Why did the chicken go across the field?Because the referee shouted FOWL!, -"Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. Here's that $20 I owe you, he says.", -"On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob. All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says Don't forget the coffee!", -"I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.", -"While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.What's that ? she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.Tennis ball, came the breathless reply.Oh, said the girl sympathetically, that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once.", -"1. Blow out a huge depressed fart and blame it on the person next to you out loud. 2. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 3. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 4. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 5. Meow occasionally. 6. Show other passengers a rash on your genitals and ask if it looks infected. 7. Leave a box between the doors. 8. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 9. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?' 10. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.", -"When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.He listened a while longer, and said, There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling. So the magistrate kept listening; There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth... Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing.", -"1. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator 2. Where to Find the Toys in the Oven 3. 101 Games to Play in the Road 4. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer, and a Fork 5. Your Nightmares are Real 6. Monsters Killed Grandpa 7. All Guns Squirt Water 8. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite 9. If it's Storming out, the Best Place to Take Shelter is under a Tree 10. Dad's New Wife Robert", -"How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? What happens if you get scared halfway to death twice? If the 2 pencil is so popular, why is it still 2? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?", -"10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, He just didn't belong. 9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern. 8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, The hair, it's growing. Growing! 7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, Soon, soon.... 6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. 5) Tell your roommate, I've got an important message for you. Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, Oh, yeah, I remember! Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks. 4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan. 3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!? Complain loudly that you are hungry. 2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, Hooray! You're back! as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, Shouldn't you be going somewhere? 1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, No, I want to watch them suffer.", -"A fellow in a bar noticed a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. No, thank you. she said politely. This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love. That must be rather difficult, the man replied. Oh, I don't mind too much, she said, but it has my husband pretty upset.", -"A girl named Melissa was having a birthday party with her friends. One of her friends gives her this most annoying, screaming and loud singing bird as a funny gift. Melissa's dad says We are not keeping that bird, you know that, right? Melissa says, Please, it's so cute. I'll put it in my room. The dad says that he will think about it. That night, Melissa asks her dad if it is OK to keep the singing bird. Her dad says I'm still not sure. I'll have to sleep on it. Melissa says No. Don't break it. Besides, won't it be more comfy if you slept in your bed?", -"Little 6 year old Nancy and her big sister, Sandy were at the mall, looking at a sweatshirt.That shirt is 60 dollars, said Sandy. I wish I could afford it.Then the shopkeeper comes up, and says, Can I help you girls with something?Well, this sweater is 60 dollars and we only have 43 dollars, said Nancy.Well, sorry, but you are a little short, said the shopkeeper.I can't help it, I'm only 6, Nancy replied.", -"Yo momma so fat, she has to use the highway as a slip and slide!", -"After a shower, the man grabbed his shirt that his wife hung on the back of the door. It fell into the trash can. After picking it up, he looked into the trash and saw nothing so he put the shirt on.He went to college and walking along the corridor, he heard stiff laughs from everyone. After stopping in an open area, he looked around and saw nothing funny. When he started walking again, when PLOP, something behind him dropped to the floor.It was his wife's bloody pad!Apparently it had been in the trashcan when the shirt fell in and stuck to the back.", -What crackers do firemen like in their soup?Firecrackers!, -"Sven Ole, a couple of Norwegians now living in Minnesota, head for the fair in Duluth. The first thing to catch Sven's eye is the big double Ferris wheel.Oh, Ole, he says, vould you look at dat. I've always vanted to go on von of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von.Ole, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, Oh, I don't tink so. Dat looks kind of dangerous to me. Vell, says Sven, you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat ride.Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so up they went. Ole had to admit after the ride that it was kind of fun.After another 10 or 15 minutes they came to the roller coaster. Oh Ole, says Sven, Vould you look at dat. Dat's von fine looking roller coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride' on dat.Oh, I don't tink so. says Ole. Dat looks very dangerous to me.Vell, says Sven. You give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat roller coaster.Again Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so they both went up on the roller coaster. Ole had to admit after the ride that it wasn't so bad.After another 10 minutes or so, they came to the bungee jump. Oofdah! exclaimed Sven. Vill you yust look at dat, Ole. Dose people yump off dat big tower vit nuttink but a rubber band tied to dare ankles. Dat looks like so much fun. Come on, let's go do it.Oh, I don't tink so, says Ole. Dat's much too dangerous. Dis is vare I draw da line. Vell, says Sven, you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go up on dat tower and yump off vit me.Ya, I give you a good reason, says Ole. I came into dis vorld because of a broken rubber and, by jimminy, I'm not going to leave it da same vay.", -"Yo mama's so short, she had 2 cuff her panties.", -"Yo mama's so fat, she jumped on the arch and made it into the MacDonald's M.", -"yo mama's so fat, she waz about 2 jump in the ocean, and the ocean jumped out and said u 1st.", -"When you go into the bathroom you're Russian; when you are in the bathroom, European; when you come out of the bathroom, you're Finnish.You have to read the nationalities slowly", -"What's the difference between a duck and a spider?A duck has a web in its feet, a spider has its feet in a web!", -What do you get when you cross a praying mantis with a termite?A bug that says grace before eating your house., -"Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?Why do they call them apartments when they are all stuck together?Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?Why do they report power outages on TV?Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?Why do 'tug'boats push their barges? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?Why do we have hot water heaters?Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing? Why does an alarm clock go off when it begins ringing?Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?Why is it called a building when it is already built?Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?Why is it called a TV set when you only get one?Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a near miss?Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is the word abbreviate so long?Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?Why isn't palindrome spelled the same way backwards?Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?Would a fly without wings be called a walk?You know how most packages say Open here. What is the protocol if the package says, Open somewhere else?Can fat people go skinny-dipping?After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?Have ex-bankers become disinterested?Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?Have ex-punsters been expunged?How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they rememberthat they forgot?If you died with braces on would they take them off? Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets?If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?Do cows have calf muscles?How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?Do babies produce more spit than adults?Why do they say an alarm going off, if it is really going on?", -"Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fairAnd one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his shareHe fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feetAnd he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.About that time two young and lovely girls just happened byOne says to the other with a twinkle in her eyeSee yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome builtI wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt?They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could beLifted up his kilt about an inch so they could seeAnd there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirtWas nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth!They marveled for a moment then one said we must be goneLet's leave a present for our friend before we move alongAs a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bowAround the bonnie star the Scots kilt did lift and show.Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards the treesBehind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he seesAnd in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyesOh, lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize!", -"1. If you had a $25 bill, what would you do with it?2. How many tomatoes grow on a tree?3. How many animals did Moses take on the ark?", -What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in front of a door?MattWhat do you call a guy with no arms or legs swimming?BobWhat do you call a guy with no arms or legs water skiing?Skip, -"Spots on the Wall by Hoo-flung-pooUnder the Bleachers by Seamore ButtsTen Steps from the Outhouse by Willie Makeit, Illustrations by Bettie Cant", -Why are all the numbers scared of 7?Because 7 ate 9!, -"Knock Knock.Whos there?Deaf person.Deaf person who?Sorry, can't hear you.", -"A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify. She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, Who can tell me what this is? A little girl raised her hand. Yes, Janie, what do you think it is? It's a cow, teacher. Very good, Janie, said the teacher. Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer. I'll give you a hint, said the teacher. What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'? Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, I know, teacher. It's a big horny bastard!", -"A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ... Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye. She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, Who was that? Oh, she replies, that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip.", -"Yo Momma so dumb when she went through the McDonalds drive through, she drove through McDonalds.", -"The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that Englishspelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish .In the first year, s will be used instead of the soft c. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard c will be replaced with k. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ph will be replaced by f. This will make words like fotograf 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikatedchanges are possible.Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent es in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th by z and w by v.During ze fifz year, ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.Ze drem vil finali kum tru.", -I know this might be a little on the stupid side but I think it's funny...Happy Birthday to you..You live in a zoo..You smell like a monkey..And you look like one too.., -"You Know You're a Pothead When... You think the song Truckin' by the Grateful Dead should replace the national anthem.Your music collection is worth more than your vehicle.Your bong is taller than your dog.It takes you more than 30 minutes to roll a joint.You set your wedding date for 4/20.You take off April 20th every year and treat it as a holiday.You spent your last bit of money to score some herbs and don't have enough gas money to get home but you don't care.You start every sentence with - uhhh!.You intentionally roll seeds in your joints on independence day so you can hear the popping because you don't have money to buy fireworks.You eat at Taco Bell more than 8 times a week.You wear sunglasses at night, and see better.You go to the corner store and the clerk automatically tosses a pack of rolling papers on the counter.Your pot tray is fuller than your refrigerator.Your bong gets washed more than your dishes.You sell your car for gas moneyYou are the only tobacco smoker in the room and you look at the cigarette in the ashtray and ask, Is that my cigarette? You're eating something on your way home thinking about what you're gonna eat when you get home!Every cylinderical object you see, turns into plans on a new smoking device....Just to be religous, you observe 4:20 in every time zone.Someone has ever come up to you on the street and said Hi and you said Yep.You thought the ebola virus was a type of weed.You think being stoned to death would be a damn good way to go out.You have ever smoked pot before 8 o'clock in the morning.You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other pothead friends.", -"There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, What do you think you're doing?The drunk says, I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor.", -"If someone says, A penny for your thoughts,, and you give them your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?", -"Fred had just came back from a hiking trip, when his friend, George, asked how it was. It was great! said Fred, except on my way home I accidentally awoke a lion....it started chasing me....at one time he was so close, that I could feel his breath on my neck, but then he slipped!! He caught up again, and I could smell his foul breath right behind me, but he slipped again! Then he was so close, his paw reached out, inches away from my shoulders. Yet he slipped, for the third time! That is when I spotted a car and got a ride back here! Wow!, says George, If that happened to me I would Have wet my pants!! Fred looks at him and says What do you think the lion kept slipping on?", -"Yo momma's breath is so stank the thermometer read, I Quit!", -"Yo Momma's so fat, she wears a microwave as a beeper.", -Q. what is more diffucult than getting a pregnant elephant in your car?A. getting an elephant pregnant in your car, -"Q. Why are families like chocolate?A. They are mostly sweet, with a few nuts!", -"Yo moma so fat, when she sat down, she sat next to Everyone!", -"Yo Momma's So Fat...When she crosses the border, they think she's tryin to smuggle the whole country.When she was at the zoo the elephants were scared she might step on them.She's what caused Mexico City to sink into the ground.She sunk Atlantis.She once found a whale hidden in her belly button.When a plane has to make an emergancy landing they use her as a runway.", -Knock Knock !Who's there ?Bless !Bless who ?I didn't sneeze !, -"Knock KnockWho's there !Banana !Banana who ?Banana split, so ice creamed !", -"1) The couch is not mine.2) No matter how much larger the human is, the cat still deserves half of the bed.3) Tell those you love how much you love them but only after they feed you.4) Its okay to be a tad overweight as long as you are still able to reach your goals.5) Catnip actualy has a rather nice scent.6) The printer is a valid seat.7) All scurmishes with others can be solved by looking innocent.8) Its okay to lose some hair,and of course, 9) Its always nice to be with those you love,even if they do smell like dog!", -"Yo Mommas like a really popular website;over 10,000 hits a day", -"Think of the beat of the song walking in a winter wonderland while you are reading this...Lacy things -- the wife is missin',Didn't ask -- her permission,I'm wearin' her clothes,Her silk pantyhose,Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.In the store -- there's a teddy,Little straps -- like spaghetti,It holds me so tight,Like handcuffs at night,Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.In the office there's a guy named Melvin,He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.He'll say, Are you ready? I'll say,Whoa, Man!Let's wait until our wives are out of town!Later on, if you wanna,We can dress -- like Madonna,Put on some eyeshade,And join the parade,Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!Lacy things... missin',Didn't ask... permission,Wearin' her clothes,Her silk pantyhose,Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!", -"A drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over.He says, You don't feel so tough now, do you,Batman!?", -What has 40 teeth and holds back a monster? My zipper., -"A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandlingon the corner. The bum says, Mister, can youspare a dollar?The man thinks about the question for a bit and asks the bum, If I give you a dollar, are yougoing to use it to buy liquor?No, says the bum.The man then asks the bum, If I give you a dollar are you going to use it to gamble?No, says the bum.So the man says to the bum, Do you mind cominghome with me so I can show my wife what happensto someone who doesn't drink or gamble?", -Q. What do me and a mirror have in common? A. When we see your face we both crack up!, -You're so dumb you stole free samples., -What is the difference between a lawyer and a wood tick?A wood tick falls off when you die., -"Haven't I seen you on TV?Well yes I do appear off and on, how do you like me? Off.", -"Yo mama is so fat, she can sell shade.", -"Your mama is so fat, a giant mistook her for a bowling ball!", -"One bright day in the middle of the night, 2 dead boys got up to fightback to back they faced each other,drew their knives,and shot each other.a deaf policeman heard the noise, and came to kill those two dead boys.if you don't believe my stories true,ask the blind guy, he saw it to!", -"Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.", -Yo mamma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.Yo mamma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.Yo mamma so old she ran track with dinosaurs.Yo mamma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.Yo mamma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook., -"A job seeker was interviewing, and the interviewer asked him, Tell me what is your greatest strength?The prospective employee said, Sir, I am a little bit shy, but should I give you my honest answer?The interviewer says, Of course, yes. I expect nothing but honesty from my staff. The job seeker says, Sir, my greatest strength is my wife.The interviewer was quite impressed with the spousal respect of this man, thought he could be a great member of his team, corporate community and he deserved the job.So with an intention of offering him the job soon the interviewer tried to wrap up with the last question, Tell me now, what is your greatest weakness?The guy felt encouraged, and went on, Sir, my greatest weakness is someone else's wife.", -"There have been recent terrorist activities in France. Today the had to upgrade their security system from Run to Hide. If things get any worse they'll have to go to Surrender, and then Beg for Mercy.", -Yo momma so fat she uses a dump truck as a toilet!, -"yo mom is like a shotgun, one cock and shes ready to blow", -How can you spot a happy motorcyclist?By the bugs in his teeth., -"A schoolteacher wanted to show her students how dangerous drinking alcohol could be. She brought a jar of alcohol and an earthworm to class one day to demonstrate its effects. She dropped the worm into the alcohol and it died instantly. She then asked her students what this proved.One student raised his hand and said, If you drink a lot of alcohol, you won't get worms.", -"During the Irish Potato famine, a young Irish-Catholic woman was worried about the poverty of her family. She told her parents that she was going to America to seek her fortune. With many tears, they let her go.Years passed, and the woman returned home. She arrived in a private jet, dressed in a gorgeous designer gown, with dazzling, expensive jewelry. Her family was stunned by their daughter's wealth, and a more than a little curious at how she had come by it. The daughter finally confessed. I hate to tell you this, but the reason I became so rich was because I became a prostitute.Her father immediately collapsed in shock. The doctor was called, and he began to help the man. As the daughter wept at her father's bedside, she sobbed, I didn't realize he would be so disappointed to hear I became a prostitute!The father sat bolt upright. Prostitute?! he exclaimed. I thought you said 'Protestant'!", -Honk if you hate noise pollution!, -Yo momma so dumb she got hit by a parked car!, -"If your ex-lover wants you back and you want him to know your serious, here's something you could say:Come on back and take yo space,'cuz if you break my heart again, I'll break yo face.", -"At the end of a T.V. show, why do they say filmed in front of a live audience?Well, it wouldn't be a dead audience, would it?", -Why do Chickens have no breast?Cause the Rooster has no hands!, -"The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word definitely to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.When called upon the first student says, The sky is definitely blue.The teacher said, Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy.Another student says, Grass is definitely green.Teacher again replies, If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct.Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher, Do farts have lumps?The teacher replied, No, and that is not a suitable question for class discussion.The student replies, Then I definitely pooped in my pants.", -"A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.Mom said, 'Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?''Uh, oh yeah, OK,' responded the kid.So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.When she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you give the boy this time?Mom said, 'Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000''That's $1020!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you crazy???''Don't worry hon,' Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, 'I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!'", -"A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.I just can't believe this, the distraught husband said.The detective said, What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!The husband replied, I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!", -"A man sat in his attorney's office.Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news? the lawyer asked.Give me the bad news first.Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.That's the bad news? asked the man, incredulously. I can't wait to hear the terrible news.The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary.", -"A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day, and he would have to return the next day.What for? he snapped at the judge.His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented.That's all right. You don't have to pay now.The young man replied, I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words.", -I once knew a boy who was dating his left hand and having an affair with his right., -"Dear Abby:My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.What should I do?Signed, CluelessDear Clueless:Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him any more.You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like it!", -"The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.1. It's an incentive to show up.2. It reduces stress.3. It leads to more honest communications.4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.8. It encourages carpooling.9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.11. It makes fellow employees look better.12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.15. If somebody does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.", -"A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France. The new man asked, What happened? One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!", -"Wonder if you are a redneck....Well, if you have been married four times and still have the same in-laws you must be.", -"The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night. Well, we're a mighty crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room replied the farmer. But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher.Look, said the tourist, I want you to know I'm a gentleman.Well, mused the farmer, as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher.", -"A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time! she exclaimed suddenly. When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up. She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day. Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. You're going to kill him! they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband? The wife stoically replied, I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt.", -"Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!Another horse breaks in, Well, in the last 27 races, I've won 19!Oh, that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28! says another, flicking his tail.At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting there, listening. I don't mean to boast, says the greyhound, but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!The horses are clearly amazed.Wow! says one, after a hushed silence. A talking dog.", -Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate1., -"A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams.He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the sheet over the body, and to his surprise he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out, and to his surprise, music begins playing:On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again... The student is amazed, and places the cork back in the backside. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.Look at this, this is really something, the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again...So what? the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen? asked the student.Are you kidding? replied the Examiner, Any asshole can sing country music.", -What do PSP's and Michael Jackson have in common? The both get turned on by little boys!!!, -Yo mama is so fat she's scared to look at low fat food!, -Did u here Michael Jackson is sick? He had a 10 year old penis!!!, -Why was the cemetary so crowded? Everyone was dying to get in!!!!, -"A kid said I have a dirty joke; a kid fell in the mud.Another kid said, I know a dirty joke; two kids fell into a pile of mud.Then the other kid said, Well, I bet I have the dirtest joke of all; 2 pigs fell into a pile of mud and 3 came out!", -"A woman hurries home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery! The husband says, Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?Doesn't matter, she says. Just get the hell out.", -Yo Momma is so fat the other day she was late to work and her stomach was an hour early., -"Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls.", -"Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America. 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough. 7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. 16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. 18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 20. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends. 21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. 23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it. 25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. 26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.", -Knock-Knock.Who's there?Yoo who?No thanks., -"Yo Momma's stinks so bad, she puts on Secret and it told on her.", -"Little johnny was heard praying in a loud voice a week before his birthday. Dear God I pray that I will get a computer game for my birthday! Why are you shouting asked his mother God isn't deaf?!?!?!?!?I know said Johnny, but grandma is!", -yo mama is so fat people run around her for exercize, -"Yo momma is so fat, when she was laying on the beach, everyone was screaming, saying Look it's Free Willy!!!!''", -"Yo mama is so fat, when someone wants to shake her hand she has to give directions!", -"A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, What are you doing? She replies, I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old. The husband retorts, Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass? She replied, Frankly dear, your name never came up.", -"A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks What do two plus two equal?The mathematician replies Four. The interviewer asks Four, exactly? The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, Yes, four, exactly.Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question What do two plus two equal?The accountant says, On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four.Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question What do two plus two equal?The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says What do you want it to equal?", -"A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.", -"Justification for beer and ice cream! But stay away from the pizza!As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert , the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally suck the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C will, in a short time, be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C . For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.Happy eating!", -"When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, my big brother Tom took me out on the stoop, then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, and he told me there was something that I had to know. His look and his tone I will always remember, when he told me of the horrors of.... Black November. Come around August, now listen to me, each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, and soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin. And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, in will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head, Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, and scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink. And then comes the worst part, he said not bluffing, She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing. Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, and as I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked. I began a new diet of nuts and granola, high-roughage salads, juice and diet cola. And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing my fitness tapes. I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, and tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed. But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, as they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound. So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap. I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming, and smiled at me and said..... Christmas is coming...", -"I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my wife to go swimming!", -"Yo momma so nasty I was on the phone with her, and she gave me an ear infection.", -"Yo momma's breath is so stank, that they consider it a weapon of mass destruction.", -"Few women admit their age, Few men act theirs.", -"Never test the depth of water with both feet.Don't take candy from strangers, unless they offer you a ride.I'll start exercising as soon as i get into shape.If you have something to say, raise your hand and put it over your mouth.Maybe you should go to e-bay and buy a clue.Earth is full. go home.Gee, I'd like to care, but I wasn't given that gene.Mirrors don't lie, and lucky for you, they can't laugh either. If you can't laugh at yourself, at least let me do it.I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works.Men are from Mars, Women are from Visa. I used to have super powers but my therapist took them away.", -What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?A love call., -Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor?A. By the ears. , -Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?A. No ball room, -Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?A. I feel like a kid again!, -"Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?A. The Captain's dinghy!", -"A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings him his meal. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, exclaiming, Waitress! There's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what's going on!So, the waitress takes him back to the kitchen where the cook is, and to the man's demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. The distraught customer says, That's disgusting!Then the waitress says, You think that's disgusting? You should see him make donuts.", -"A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me. so the woman replies, If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113.", -"A patient was waiting for some results from his doctor. When the doctor arrives he says, I have some good news and some bad news which do you want first.The patient says, Give me the bad news first!Doctor replies, You've got AIDS.Oh, no! What could be worse than that? asks the patient.You've also got Alzheimer's Disease.Looking relieved the patient says, Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS.", -"A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a MCSE were out driving, when their car broke down, and they couldn't get it started. The mechanical engineer suggested that it was a failure somewhere in the drive train, but after checking it out he found that the engine and transmission were fine. The electrical engineer thought it might be the ignition system; lifted the hood, checked for a spark, and found that everything was OK. The MCSE was driving, and suddenly gets out of the car, slams the door, opens the hood and looks inside, slams that, gets back into the car, opens and closes all the windows and looks at his passengers and says, There, it should start right up now...", -"A blond goes into a pizza shop for a snack. She orders, May I have a veggie pizza slice with all the works?The worker says, That would be our combo pizza.The blond says, No, thanks. I'll stay with the veggie slice.", -"Bob and Joe, a couple of personal injury lawyers, were discussing conditions in the legal profession. How's business? asked Bob. Absolutely rotten! responded Joe. How have you been doing? Even worse, Bob replied. I just chased an ambulance twelve miles and found a LAWYER inside it.", -"Acme Rope, Inc. -Knot your ordinary company.Acme Mine Shafts -Drop in any timeAcme Lollipops -One lick and you'll stick with us.Acme Light Company -We have lots of bright ideas.Acme Clown Make-up -Let us put a smile on your face.Acme Perfume Corp. -We love it when business stinks.Acme Air Conditioning -We show people how to chill out.Acme Toy Company -Our work is kids' play.Acme Perfume Company -Our work is all dollars and scents.Acme Almond Company -We're nuts!Acme Sheep Farm -Our mind is on ewe. Acme Calculators -We help you solve your problems.Acme Flower Bulbs -We root for you.Acme Psychologists -Visit us and you won't go away mad!Acme Poultry Management -Let us count your chickens before they hatch.", -"ACURAAnother Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile Asia's Curse Upon Rural AmericaAMC All Makes Combined A Major Cost A Mutated Car A Morons Car Another Major CatastropheAUDI Awfully Unsafe Designs Implemented Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Automobile Under Demonic Influence Another Ugly Deutsche Invention Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster Break My Window Break My Windshield Babbling Mechanical Wench Beastly Monstrous Wonder Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels Beautiful Mechanical Wonder Barely Moving Wreck Big Money Waste Big Money. Why? Big Money Works Born Moderately Wealthy Breaks Most Wrenches Bring More Wrenches Brings Me Women Brings More Women Broken Money Waster Broke My Wallet Broken Monstrous Wonder Bumbling Mechanical Wretch Blasphemous Motorized WreckBUICKBig Ugly Indestructible Car Killer Big Ugly Imitation Chrome KingCHEVROLETCan Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering TechniquesDODGEDrips Oil Drops Grease Everywhere Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater Dead Old Dog Going East Dead On Day Guarantee Expires Dead On Delivery, Go Easy Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter Dear Old Dads Garage ExperimentDaily Overhauls Do Get ExpensiveEDSELEvery Day Something Else LeaksFIATFailed Italian Automotive Technology Fix It Again, Tony! Feeble Italian Attempt at TransportationFORDFrigin' Old Rebuilt Dodge Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road Dead Fast Only Rolling Downhill First On Race Day First On Recall Day Fabricated Of Refried Dung Fails On Rainy Days Fantastically Orgasmic Realistic Dream Fatally Obese Redneck Driver Fault Of RD Finally Obsolete Racing Device Fireball On Rear Denting First On Road to Dump First On Rust and Deterioration Fix Or Recycle Dilemma Flipping Over Results in Death Flipped Over Roadside Disaster Follow Our Rusty Dogsled Foot On Road Decelerates Forced On Reluctant Drivers Formed Of Rejected DNA Forwarded Once; Return Denied Forward Only; Reverse Defective Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin Fork Over Repair Dough Fouled Out Re-done Dodge Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration Free Or Reduced Drastically Frequent Opinion Really Disappointed Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable Funny Old Rattling Dump Driver Returns On FootGEOGood Engineering OverlookedGM General Maintenance Great Mistake Garbage Motors Generally Miserable Grossly Misconceived Gluteus MaximusGMCGarage Man's Companion Gotta Mechanic Coming? Generally Mediocre Cars Get More Chicks Gets Mechanics Crazy Gods Mechanical Curse Got More Crap Great Mountain Climber Great Motor CarGTO Gas, Tires, OilHONDAHad One Never Did Again Hang On, Not Done Accelerating Hallmark Of Non-Descript Automobiles Hallmark Of Non-Destructable AutomobilesHYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...JEEP Just Eats Every Part Junk Engineering Executed PoorlyJust Empty Every PocketMAZDAMost Always Zipping Dangerously Along MGMoney Guzzler MGBMight Go Backwards MGFMight Go Forward MIATAMy Intention Always To AccelerateMOPARMany Odd Parts Arranged Randomly Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously Most Often Passed At Races Mostly Old Parts And Rust Move Over People Are Racing Move Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly My Old Pig Ain't Running My Only Problems Are RepairsMUSTANGMotor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No GoodOLDSMOBILEOverpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipmentold ladies driving slowly making other behind insanely late everydayPINTOPut In Nickel To Operate Paid Inspector Nicely To OverlookPLYMOUTHPlease Leave Your Money Out Under The HoodPORSCHEProof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having EverythingSAABSend Another Automobile Back Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown Sad Attempt At Beauty Sorry Auto, Always Broken Shape Appears Ass-BackwardsSUBARUScrewed Up Beyond All Repair UsuallyTOYOTAToo Often Yankees Overprice This Auto Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass The One You Ought To AvoidTRIUMPH This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help! Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!VOLVOVery Odd Looking Vehicular ObjectVWVirtually Worthless", -"Photographing a new puppy isn't as easy as it may first sound...Remove film from box and load camera. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle. Choose a suitable background for photo. Mount camera on tripod and focus. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose. Put magazines back on coffee table. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, No, outside! No, outside! Call spouse to clean up mess. Fix a drink. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy sit and stay the first thing in the morning.", -The only concept they understand is mine., -"A man stepped onto the overnight train and told the conductor, I need you to wake me up in Philadelphia. I'm a deep sleeper and can be ornery when I get up, but no matter what, I want you to help me make that stop. Here's $100 to make sure.The conductor agreed. The man fell asleep, and when he awoke he heard the announcement that the train was approaching New York. Furious, he collared the conductor. I gave you $100 to make sure I got off in Philadelphia, you worthless fool!Wow, another passenger said to his traveling companion. Is that guy ever mad!Yeah, his companion replied. But not half as mad as that guy they forced off the train in Philadelphia.", -"As is known, there is a large leper colony in Hawaii. To help ease the pain the patients have while there, a hockey rink was built to provide them entertainment. Only problem was that only one game ever got played on the rink. Within two minutes of game time, there was a face off in the corner.", -"-Overheard by a professor in the halls a few weeks after the semester starts-Male student to another male student-Yeah, I signed up for a women's studies course. It wasn't what I expected it to be.Really? Why is that?Well, it involves all this reading about ancient goddesses, and about female empowerment. I thought the class would be a little more...hands on.", -"BE SURE THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM.One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, Big John doesn't pay! and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a showoff refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleepo ver the way Big John was taking advantage of him.Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong invested a lot of money as well ; what's more, he felt really good about himself.So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, Big John doesn't pay!, the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, And why not? With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, Big John has a bus pass !Moral of the story:-- Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one", -Why did the squirrel go to the acorn shop?He broke his nuts on something!, -"laugh and the whole world laughs with you,cry and some-one will hear you,but fart and you're on your own!!", -The squirrel's eyes widened as he tried to move but froze when he realized........He'd buried the wrong nuts!, -"One day, in the mental institute, a doctor visited one of his new patients. How are you today? he asked, when he saw his patient.Oh. I'm fine thank you very much. How about you? replied the patient.Oh, I'm fine, answered the doctor, while thinking if he should let this patient go seeing as how he was polite and all. So, did you sleep alright last night?Oh, heavens no. The mosquitoes were such a bother, I got so angry that I put up a mosquito net around the bed but I climbed under the bed. HA! They can bite whatever they want inside the net, but I'll be safe and sound under the bed, answered the patient with an air of dignity.Never mind.", -"There was this guy in the mental institute who was taking his medicine that the nurse gave him.The same nurse was walking past his room and saw him shaking very vigorously.Intrigued, the nurse asked,Dear patient, why are you shaking? Are you cold?Still shaking, the patient replied, No, my dear nurse, the bottle of medicine you gave me said 'shake before drinking' but I forgot to shake!Oh dear.", -"What's gray, has four legs, and a trunk?A mouse on vacation.", -"1. Think of a number. 2. Multiply it by 3. 3. Now add 5. 4. Take away the number you first thought of. 5. Now add 7. 6. Subtract 2. 7. Add back the number you first thought of. 8. Now, close your eyes. Dark, isn't it? :-)", -"I'm trying computer dating, at least I'm not getting dumped... but I do get deleted.", -"A bloke and his wife went to a family planning clinic.We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids, said the husband. And the next-door neighbors say it's because we're stupid.Nonsense, smiled the doctor. It's probably to do with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?Do what? asked the wife.", -"if stealing kids is kidnapping,is stealing adults oldnapping?", -Where does a Dog go when he loses his tail?Answer:A retailer, -Why do snakes always lose in court? Answer:They don't have a leg to stand on!, -Did you hear the one about the gay midget?He came out of the cupboard., -"A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert Ernie, and Elmo. Still, a job's a job, he thought.As he went about his route, he stopped and picked up twin girls. These girls were rather portly, and as they entered the bus the first one said, My name's Patty. The man asked the second twin her name and she said, My name's Patty also.Further along, there was a boy who was trying to put on a James Dean-esque cool image. As he got on the bus, he said, Yo! I'm Leonard T. He sat in the seat right behind the driver, so the driver could see him in his mirror.They were almost back to the school, and made one last stop. The kid who got on announced, I'm Ross... and I'm special.As they made their way back to the school, the driver noticed to his disgust that the kid sitting right behing him had removed one shoe to reveal a horrible case of bunions, which he was picking at.As soon as they got to school, the man went to the principal's office, threw down the bus keys on his desk, and announced he was quitting. Is something wrong? asked the principal?I can't take this! yelled the man. I've got two all beef Pattys, special Ross, Leonard T. picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!", -"Two men are driving through New York when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, What the hell was that for?The cop answers, You're in New York son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.The driver says, I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here.The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.The passenger asks, What'd you do that for?The cop says, Just making your wish come true.The passenger asks, Making what wish come true?The cop says, I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'", -A gay couple and a lesbian couple decide to leave from New York to Miami at the same time. The two couples are neighbors and they plan on driving the same route. so the question is who gets to Miami first? Why the lesbians of course! They go lickety split while the guys are still at home packin'., -"A woman goes into Wal- Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the cash register . A Wal - Mart associate is standing there with dark shades on.She says, Excuse me , sir , can you tell me any thing about this rod and reel?He says, Ma'am, I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everthing about it from the sound it makes.She doesn't believe him , but drops it on the counter anyway.He says, The rod and reel is $20.She says, That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it.He walks behind the counter to the register. Just then, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her; being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.He rings up the sale and says,That will be $25.50.But didn't you say it was $20.00?Yes , ma'am. The rod and reel is $ 20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.", -"Do you know that your dog bit my mother-in-law yesterday? Is that so? Well, I suppose you'll sue me for damages? Not at all. What'll you take for the dog?", -"An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul. White man sit on well.", -"Yo mama's so fat, her nickname is Damn. Yo mama's so big, when she stands up the sun goes out. Yo mama's so dirty, the US Government uses her bath water for chemical weaponsYo mama' so hairy, when she goes to the circus the bearded lady protests against non-union workers. Yo mama's so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker.", -"At the beginning of term, we were supposed to portray what we learned during holidays by acting in a play for the school. Here I was known as the best actress in class so I was given the role of a secondary student who goes out with a rich man's reckless son.During the rehearsals, everything went perfect until the real day on stage.Acting pregnant with clothes stuffed in my dress, I begged the rich man's son not to leave me in such a condition when suddenly my BABY fell out of the TUMMY... I was so embarrassed as the whole school burst out laughing hysterically. But with talent, I knelt down n cried that silence fell upon their heads thinking it was part of the play...I was still voted the best.", -"A handsome gentleman gets in an accident and finds himself in hospital soon after recovering. Shocked, he asks the nurse how he got there and if he has all his body parts on. You only lost your arms, sir, but you will be ok, was her reply. Very disappointed that he had lost part of his life, he decides to throw himself over the hospital on the last block but as he is about to do that, he notices someone on the street in the same situation, but he was dancing vigorously. He decides to find out how he keeps happy in such a situation.Buddy, tell me what is your secret to happiness, he said.You've got no idea what it takes to scatch myself. My chest is itchy.", -"Jason showed his buddy the beautiful diamond ring he had bought his girlfriend for her birthday. I thought she wanted a four-wheel-drive vehicle, ventured his friend.She did, Jason said. But where am I going to find a fake Jeep?", -Why did the chicken cross the road?Why do you care?, -"Roses are red,Violets are blue,I copied your test and I flunked too!", -"I like to sleep, and stay in bed,all because you cracked a hammer on my head.", -Did you know that if you fart in church you have to sit in your own pew?, -"I had a dream that I went to heaven. I was checking in at that gate with the last three presidents of the United States. I watched as George Sr., Bill Clinton, and George Jr. all walked through a bright door with an angel as an escort. I then gave Peter my name at the gate. He checked his book and said I'm sorry you missed it by an inch, but there is a way to get into heaven if you walk around with an ugly girl for 100 years. I was confused and started complaining that this was not the way heaven was supposed to work. Peter took me to a window next to the bright door where I saw men and women walking around with ugly people as their penance. I became curious about the Presidents before me and asked about George Sr. Peter informed me that he missed it by an inch. He then pointed in the window as I saw George Sr. walking with some really ugly woman. I then asked about his son, George Jr. Peter said that he had missed it by an inch. Sure enough, I looked in the window and saw our President walking with what I guess was a woman . As I was looking, I saw Bill Clinton walking with Britney Spears. I exclaimed to Peter that it was not fair. I asked what about Bill Clinton. Peter looked in his book and said that he could not find his name. Then I said what about Britney Spears. Peter looked in his book and said she missed it by an inch.", -What did Spock find in the toilet?The captain's log., -Did you hear about the two peanuts who got mugged on their walk down the street?They were assaulted, -Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing ofsome of the lessor known ones...The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ........ U. GoghThe brother who bleached all his clothes white .. Hue GoghThe cousin who was a blues musician- Indi-GoghThe fruity brother- Man-GoghThe sister who wore a mini skirt to dance in bars ... Go GoghThe real obnoxious brother .......... Please GoghThe brother who ate prunes ............ Gotta GoghThe uncle who worked at a convenience store ....... Stop N GoghHis dizzy aunt ............. Verti GoghThe cousin that moved to Illinois ......... Chicah GoghHis magician uncle .............. Wherediddy GoghThe cousin who lived in Mexico .......... Amee GoghAnother cousin who lived in Mexico ......... Green GoghNephew that drove a stage coach .......... Wells Far GoghAunt who was a good dancer .............. Tan Gogh, -I'm a schizophrenic and so am I., -"What did the ocean say to the beach?Nothing, it just waved", -How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome?Pull down their genes., -"Ms. Suzy had a steam boat, the steam boat had a bell!The steam boat went to heaven,Ms. Suzy went to...Hello operator,please give me number nine! And if you disconnect me,I'll chop off your...Behind the frigerator,there was a piece of glass!Ms. Suzy sat upon it,and broke her big fat...Ask me no more questions,tell me no more lies!The boys are in the bathroom,zipping up their...Flies are in the meadow,bees are in the park!Ms. Suzy's with her boyfriend,kissing in the d-a-r-k, d-a-r-k dark, dark, dark!", -"Doctor! I have a serious pronblem, I can never remember what I just said.When did you first notice this problem?What problem?", -"When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. Step aside lady, he barked. I've taken a course in first-aid!The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. Pardon me, she said. But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.", -What is the difference between man and Superman?Man wears underwear under the trousers and Superman wears it over the trousers., -Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?What happens if you pop the popcorn upside down?Why aren't HAMburgers made out of ham? And my favorite:Donde estan mis pantalones?, -"Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who is used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger's neck and acts as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you're sure you've got it right.Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger's mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn't a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you're standing next to one.Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don't get taken for walks.They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn't put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.", -"Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a matter of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!The decline has begun.Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?", -Only a redneck visits a trailer park to look for home decorating ideas., -"One day, 15 year old Christy came home from shopping with her Auntie Kim and Auntie Flo. Christy says to her 6 year old sister, Auntie Kim has bad taste, but Auntie Flo has good taste. Her sister then says, How do you know? Have you bitten them before?", -"Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.Johnny bravely walked up to him and said Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie.Again, Johnny instantly replied, Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine.By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for.After a second, Mr. Smith said, Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, Well, we've been lucky so far....", -Why am I stronger than Tarzan?Because I can beat on my chest without screaming., -"During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. I'll take care of it, she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights. A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines.", -"The mood of a womanAn angel of truth and a dream of fiction,A woman is a bundle of contradiction,She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. The moods of a man!Hungry! Horny! Sleepy!", -"Here's a stupid warning label:If you look at a fire extinguisher, it will say Non-flamable", -If you fall down a bottomless pit... do you eventually die of starvation?, -Why doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?, -Isn't it fascinating how feet smell and noses run?, -"If you think about it, a muffin is just a bald cupcake!", -"As far as we Americans know, Osama Bin Laden could, quite possibly, be right here in New York, posing as a cab driver, and we'd never know.", -"If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?", -How did Hellen Keller's mother punish her???rearranging her furniture., -"Once there was a redneck groom about to get married. As he puts on the beaver pelt suit, he is talking to his dad. Hey Uncle Jim, I'm kind of worried. My fiance told me she's still a virgin. Why is that an issue? the dad says. Well, if she isn't good enough for her family, why would she be good enough for ours?", -Did you know that the goverment finds Native American chiefs more important than presidents? The new head on Mt. Rushmore is at least twice the size of the others. It's the head of an Indian!, -What did the sick pony say to its mother?I'm a little hoarse., -"A woman goes for her pelvic exam. While the doctor is doing the exam, he notices bikini tan lines, and she has sandals on that say hecho en mexico . So he casually asks her, So did you enjoy your trip to Mexico?She sits up a little and stares at him with this look of disbelief. You can tell that just from a pelvic exam?!?!?", -"A nurse was giving a patient a check up and came to the task of taking his temperature. So the patient came in and she told him to take his pants and boxers off so he hesitantly did so. She then put somthing in his butt. She had some time, so she went to the bank and was going to withdraw some cash. As she went to get her pen to sign the reciept, she took out the rectal themometer.", -"Here is a list of some really stupid laws I've seen:Alaska- You can't wake up a sleeping bear, just to take its picture.Florida-Unmarried women may not parachute on Sundays.Idaho- You can't fish from the back of a camel. Oklahoma-Whaling is illegal. You also can't sleep on a refrigerator OUTDOORS, although it is perfectly legal to sleep on your refrigerator in public, as long as you are indoors.Baldwin Park, California- You can't ride bicycles in swimming pools.Houston, Texas- You can't sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.Lexington, Kentucky- You can't carry an ice-cream cone in your pocket. Marion, Ohio- You can't walk backwards on a city street while eating a donut.Myrtle Creek, Oregon- No boxing with kangaroos. Nashville, Tennessee- You must be at least 18 years old to play pinball.New Orleans- You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.Whitehall, Montana- You can't drive a car with ice picks attached to the wheels.Wynona, Oklahoma- You can't wash your clothes in a birdbath. ", -"A dumb list for dumb laws:Australia1. Children may not purchase cigarettes, but can smoke them.2. You may never leave your car keys in an unattended vehicle.3. It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burglar.England1. Those wishing to use a television must apply for a license.2. It is illegal to leave baggage unattended.3. Picking up abandoned baggage is as act of terrorism.France1. Between the hours of 8AM and 8PM, 70% of the music in the radio must be by French composers. Thailand1. It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.2. You must wear a shirt while driving a car.3. You must pay a fine of $600 in Thailand if you're caught throwing away chewed bubblegum on the sidewalk. If you do not pay the fine, you are jailed.4. No one may step on any of the nation's currency. Many of the laws are actually followed. The question is, would you follow them, or just regard them as a joke?", -"Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo? - Asked of a waitress.Just the chicken. The response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup.Would you like cream and sugar with that? - Asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal.Do you want cheese on that? - Asked when a customer ordered a plain cheeseburger.You want fries with that? - Asked when a customer ordered an apple turnover.Do you want onions on that? - A waitress, in response to a couple ordering a milk shake and a large cola.Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?Do you get rice with your fried rice?I'm sorry, we only have six inch and foot long subs. - A waitress, when asked for a 12 inch sub.Would you like to care for a cup of coffee? - A waitress.Which of these coffees did you want with cream and sugar? - Asked of a customer who had ordered two coffees, one with cream and sugar and one without.Do you want that in a bag? - Asked of a customer who ordered coffee to go.Is this for here or to go? - Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.What's the difference between the 1/4 pounder and the 1/3 pounder?What's the difference? - Asked of a waitress when asked if the customer would like breadsticks with or without cheese.Sir, we only have one thousand island dressing. - A waitress, when asked for two thousand island dressings.How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken deal?How much is the $1.99 popcorn chicken?Is the honey mustard sauce sweet?Is the spicy chicken just spicy or is it hot and spicy?Would you like the sale price? - A fast food worker, asking how a customer would like to pay for his order of two special sandwiches.That's not an animal. It's a mammal. - Cafeteria worker serving shrimp at a public high school.Does your ice cream contain dairy products? - A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.Excuse me. These ham and cheese rolls - do they have ham in them? - A customer at a bakery cafe.Don't you guys have them 99 cent Whoppers? - Asked of a Taco Bell cashier.This is to go. - Commonly said by customers at drive-through windows.I'd like a large Pepsi pizza. - A customer ordering pizza over the phone. After saying this, the customer was heard saying to someone else with him, Wait; Chuck, is that right?", -Have you ever heard of the kissing shield? No? then look at this list of crazy inventions people just like you made;Kissing shieldFace bakeHorse diaperWhopper wheelsSkateboard pirateLight bulb changerBeach bootsRemote controlled horseFlying bikeBaby bottom artPump powerDummy chicken farmerAirplane moisturizerAlarm forkAll terrain strollerAqua swingBaby cageBall blindersBanana headBIRD CAT TRAP FEEDERBoob tubeBoatless water skiingHijacker detectorAnd many more dumb inventions soon to come. Be watching!, -What do you call a Grizzly with no teeth?A gummy bear, -"A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves. Do you know how they make these rubber gloves? She said, No, I don't have any idea. Well, he spoofed, Down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in and then walks around for a bit while the latex sets and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods' crate and start the process all over again. She didn't laugh one bit. Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed, I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!", -"I love my Job, I love the Pay! I love it more and more each day. I love my Boss, he's the best! I love his boss and all the rest. I love my Office and its location - I hate to have to go on vacation. I love my furniture, drab and gray, and the paper that piles up every day! I love my chair in my padded cell! There's nothing else I love so well. I love to work among my peers - I love their leers and jeers and sneers. I love my computer and all its software, I hug it often though it doesn't care... I love each program and every file, I try to understand once in a while!! I'm happy to be here, I am I am, I'm happy to give lots of taxes to my Uncle Sam. I love this Work, I love these Chores. I love the meetings with deadly bores. I love my Job - I'll say it again - I even love these friendly Men. The men who've come to visit today, In those lovely white coats to take me away!!", -"Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.", -"After many unhappy replies from our currentvending service we decided that what theyreally needed was a different form letterthat was more closely tied to their truefeeling: BFD Vending ServiceThank you for your inquiry/comments/complaintsabout our vending serve-We are aware that your machine as not been stocked in 50 days.-We are waiting for the weekend.-We are out of items that have expired.-We're busy, don't bother us about this.-We don't care.-We are aware that the price for youseems high at $10,000.000, but we have to make a living.-We use an algorithm 50% retail for people your age.-We charge others more.-We adjust it to allow for spoilage. We are aware that the sodas are warm, the milk is curdled, sandwiches are stale, gum is hard, candy bars are petrified and assure you that that is the way it is supposed to be, really!-We understand that the bill changer can't, coin return won't, product selection doesn't, and believe that you should relax, it all evens out. Learn to live with it. Bring in your own change next time.Be happy it gave you anything and quit eating so much junk food.Thank you and Happy Eating!", -"Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter. Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said, You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on that line? The man said, I don't know. My wife told me to stand here.", -"Fred was getting out of his car to go to an electronics store and had his dog in the car with him. Stay, said Fred.A blond was witnessing all this and said to Fred, Would it just be easier to put it in park?", -"A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink. The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''", -"One day a cop walks in to a barber shop and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but the barber says, Im doing free haircuts this week. The cop thanks him and walks away. The next day there is a box of a dozen donuts on the barber's desk. A republican walks in and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but the barber says, Im doing free haircuts this week. The republican thanks him and walks away. The next day there is a self help book on his desk. A democrat walks in and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but barber says, I'm doing free haircuts this week. The next day, there are 20 democrats at the door waiting for a free haircut.", -Your momma so old she sat next to Jesus in the 3rd grade, -"Well, what have we here...? He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...? I'm stalling for time. If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call. I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself. Let me check your medical history. I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you. Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it. This should be taken care of right away. I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself. Let me schedule you for some lab tests. I have a forty percent interest in the lab. Let's see how it develops. Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that really needs to be cured. I'd like to prescribe a new drug. I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig. That's quite a nasty looking wound. I think I'm going to throw up. This may smart a little. Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues. This should fix you up. The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. Hope it works... Everything seems to be normal. Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all. I'd like to run some more tests. I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.", -"Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full, so I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye -- they need to be watered.I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor, so I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.At the end of the day:The car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter and the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.", -Why do lawyers always wear a tie?To keep back the foreskin., -Why did the blond make a square pie?Because Pi squared!, -"You know how, in the olden days, you were named for what you did? For instance, if you were a blacksmith, your last name would be Smith, if you were a baker, your last name was Baker. It kind of makes me wonder what John Hancock's ancestors did for a living.", -"Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house............. and left it there all night.", -Knock Knock!Who's there?Abbey!Abbey who?Abbey stung me on the nose!, -Knock KnockWho's there?Acid!Acid who?Acid down and be quiet!, -Knock KnockWho's there?Acid!Acid who?Acidently on purpose!, -Knock Knock Who's there?Bach!Bach who?Bach to work!, -"I was eating a fruit rollup once, you know, with the paper on the bottom...well the instructions were Do not eat paper. Noooo! I thought the paper was part of the snack!!", -"what happened to the lost boy?he came to a house and wrote a joke that was exactly like this except in larger font and with a little more umph ya know what i mean a very humerous joke in fact i do believe he is working on more ya know i lied i ain't lost i just like making very very very long jokes sorta like this one ya know what i wrote is called a run on sentence my papa told me about run ons they are fun i can't imagine not having a papa if you don't have one i feel bad for you starting at 'starting' i wrote 100 words thats a lot but still my favorite number is464,546,879,6 but i won't go till there i can't believe i counted my words how nerdy i'm stopping soon wait......... 127 ha buh bye", -"Little Johnny's mother took her 6-year-old son with her to the bank.They were in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Little Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, Hey, Mom, she's really fat.The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Little' Johnny received a reprimand.After a minute or two, Little Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, I bet her butt is 'that' wide.At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.Again after a couple of minutes Little Johnny stated loudly, Look how the fat hangs over her belt.The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her child and his mother threatened him with severe bodily harm.The lady's pager begins to go off.Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, Run for your life, she's backing up", -Politians are like constipated people-they're full of shit., -What did the pirate say when he got cold?Shiver me timbers!!!, -"One day a boy walked in the classroom. The teacher asked him why he was late; he said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. The next boy walked in and the teacher asked him why he was late; he said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. The last boy walked in and the teacher asked him why he was late. He said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. Then a girl walked in and the teacher said, Let me guess, you're late beacause you were on top of Blueberry Hill. Then the girl said, I am Blueberry Hill.", -"A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. Very proud, she came home and put it on. She then showed her mother how she looked in it. What do you think mom? she asked. Her mother replied, If I wore that when I was your age, you would be 5 years older.", -"A brother and sister are in a terrible car accident and the brother is badly injured. At the hospital the doctor tells the sister, His brain is dead, but his pulse is still beating.The sister replies, Oh no! We've never had a Democrat in the family before!", -Give blood........................Go skateboarding., -I can only be kind to one person a day..................Today is not your day., -"When I walk the dogs, I take a handful of black plastic bags, since the local council requires us to 'clear up after our dogs' or face a stiff fine. This being the wild blackberry season, I use a spare one to hold the blackberries I pick on the way. Coming off the hill, I passed an American visitor, who said something, looking at the bulging bag. I'm taking them home for supper - they're delicious with cream, I said. She turned white. Some minutes later I worked out that she had said that the dog-waste bin was just round the corner. If I see her again, I must invite her to supper.", -"I know this isn't a joke, but I really need help. I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs - phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask which girls, it is always Just some friends from work, you don't know them. I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was, and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again, and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my g/f. I think deep down, I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car, which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch. So what should I do? Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?", -You have the right to remain silent. Exercise it., -"A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, What happened here today?She again smiled and answered, You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?Yes, was his incredulous replied.She answered, Well, today I didn't do it.", -"Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, Will you marry me?The girl said, NO! The guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting. He played golf a lot, drank beer, and farted whenever he wanted.", -"A couple was about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honour of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had varied excuses. Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad, gushed son number one. Sorry, I'm running late... I just didn't have the time to get you a present. No worry, said Dad. The important thing is that we're all together. Son number two arrived and announced, Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you anything... I'm sorry. It's nothing, said the father, just glad you could be here today. The daughter arrived. Happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but I've been out of town and didn't bring a present. Again the father said, I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today. Later, during dinner, the father put down his fork, looked up and said, Listen, you three, there's something your mother and I need to tell you. We came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise you and send you to college. But we never got around to getting married. The three kids gasped and said, in unison, You mean we're BASTARDS? Yep, said the dad. And cheap ones, too!", -Why should you never play poker in the jungle?-because there are too many cheatahs!!, -Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?, -"Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.Odd, her companion replied, but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.Two dogs, please, said one.The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, What part did you get?", -"A woman went in for a breast exam. The doctor said, Have a seat. I have to numb your breasts first.The woman said, Okay.So the doctor put his face between her breasts and said, Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb.", -Did you have cookie for lunch? 'Cuz your face is kinda krummy., -Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?Because blokes refuse to ask for directions., -"The was a man named Jimmy who was on a job interview in another state that he didn't know very well. While he was driving he became very tired. Noticing there were no hotels in sight, he pulled over in the driveway and knocked on the door. A old man in his 60s greeted him.Hi, Im sorry to disturb you, but I am very tired. May I sleep here just for tonight? Jimmy asked.The old man cleared his thoat and said,Well, I don't have any more rooms available, but you can sleep with my daughter if you don't disturb her.Jimmy nodded his head and agreed, and the old man showed him the room. See you in the morning, said the old man.Jimmy stripped his clothes off and got into the bed. He fell asleep right away. The only problem was he keep waking up when he touched the farmers daughter.Morning finally came around and he went downstairs. The old man was at the stove cooking some breakfast. Your daughter was really cold last night and it's really weird how she doesn't toss and turn, even when a stranger is in her bed, Jimmy said. Well, what did you expect? We're going to bury her today.", -"An Irish couple were having a dinner party and the wife, Patty, was very concerned that this dinner go off with out a hitch. She sent the husband, Phillip, off to get some escargot for an appetizer. She said to him Don't stop at the local pub, I need you back here right away. So off he goes. After a while he doesn't come back and Patty is getting more and more nervous. About 5 hours later, after the dinner had ended, Phillip, obviously drunk, was just getting into the driveway of the house when he slipped and the snails went flying everywhere. Patty came out of the house and said to him, Where have you been this whole time?Thinking quickly Phillip bent down, looked at the snails and replied, Come on, little fellers, you're almost home.", -Yo momma is so fat that she fell over and made the Grand Canyon!, -"Mother decided that 7-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.Suppose we open a savings account for you? mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.It's your account, darling, mother said as they arrived at the bank, so you fill out the application.Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'", -I did your mom......a favor by making you......lunch., -May your troubles be as few and far between as your great-grandmother's teeth., -"Yo Momma's so fat, when she walks down the street and hums, the kids all run after her, waving money and yelling, Ice Cream truck! Ice Cream truck!", -Did you know... in Louisiana it is illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant and leave it unattended? Really! It's true!, -"Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas AM University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.", -"How do we know that Christ was Irish?Because he was 33; still lived at home; thought his mother was a virgin, and she thought he was the son of God.", -It is obvious. The downfall of the world is here. It is 2005 and we have lived on this earth for ages. I suppose it is about time for the end. Proof? You want proof? I have all the proof you will need:They let Brittney Spears reproduce.Ohh that poor poor child!!, -"A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.The woman, who was hard of hearing, decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.He said, I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion, and if you ever have a baby, it will be a miracle.The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.She said, The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel.", -"How do you catch an elephant?Dig a hole, put peanuts around it, fill it with ashes and when the elephant goes to eat the peanuts, kick him in the ash hole.", -"Your momma is so old, she breast fed Methuselah.", -"Found in micellaneous things.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.I don't have a short attention span, it's just that I-Etc.:a sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely. If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise.Without geography, you're nowhere.When someone tells you nothing is impossible, tell him to dribble a football.Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernail.Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk.Man who drives like hell, bound to get there.It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.Crowded elevator smells different to midgets.Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.That will be all for now. Ciao", -"One day, a little Indian boy came up to an old man in the village . The little boy asks, How do we Indians get their names? Like... Blackhawk, or Redeyes? The old man says, Well, actually, when they are born, the first thing we see is what we name them. Oh! Okay, thanks! says the little boy. Any more questions, Two Dogs Fucking?", -Q. How do you keep a blond from whistling while she is skydiving? A. Make sure she wears underwear., -Roses are redViolets are blueGod made me prettyWhat the heck happened to you?, -"Now I lay me down to sleep,I pray for a man who's not a creep.One who's handsome, smart and strong,And doesn't mind admitting when he's wrong, One who thinks before he speaks,When he promises to call,he won't wait two weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed,And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed opens my door begs to do more Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind,knows just what to say when I ask,How Big is My Behind!?! One who will kiss me till my body's twitchin',In the hall, the shower, the garden and the kitchen.I pray this man will love me no end, and never attempts to date my best friend. And, as I kneel and pray by my bed ... I look at the Butt Head you sent me instead! Amen ", -"One day a boy said to his mom, I'm a Picses, what are you? The the mom answered, Cancer. The boy then asked in a shocked state, You killed Grandma?", -"A boy was going to church on Sunday. His mom gave him $40 so that he could put $20 in the offering plate and use $20 to buy anything on the way. On his way to the church he lost the $40, so he went back to look for it. He found $20, then looked up and said, God, here is mine. Go and look for yours!", -"A lady was at the bar when a guy started hitting on her. She said I'll send my pants to you from the dry cleaners, that way you can get into them on you own time.", -"Knock-Knock, Who's there?Alarm. Alarm who?Alarm the cops about all the partying I've been having!!", -I-rish my beer was full..., -"Two men were riding on a train. One of them had a bottle in his coat pocket, and the other one wanted it. Finally the train went through a dark tunnel and the man was able to take the bottle out and drink up all the whisky inside of it. Then he put it back into the other man's pocket. When the train came out of the tunnel, the man who owned the bottle took it out of his pocket, opened it up, and spit into it.", -Q. How do you keep a jack ass in suspense?A. I`ll tell you tomorrow., -"Here's a lighted dynamite stick, please hold it until I get back.", -"Help reduce air pollution, stop breathing", -"Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.", -"Keep talking, I always yawn when I'm interested.", -Your mouth is so big you could swallow a whole banana... ...sideways, -"A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.", -"As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?", -"Someone dropped $50. Who do you think will pick it up?A.) An honest politicianB.) A five year old childC.) Santa ClausB.) A 5 year old child, all the others aren't real.", -Q. Why did the dog fall out of the tree? A. Because it was deadQ Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A. Because it was stapled to the dog!Q. Why did the tree fall over? A. Because it thought it was a game., -1. Did you hear about the man who had a shower without getting his hair wet?He was bald!2. Did you hear about the boy who was named after his father?His name was Dad!, -"Yo mama so stupid, when her softball coach said to keep her eye on the ball, she stared at the softball for 3 days straight!", -"This is a true story told to me.A big city news anchor is driving along the freeway when his young son asks him, Daddy, what does motherf____r mean?He turns to his son, That's a really bad word, don't ever say that again. Where did you learn that?!?!?His son answers innocently, Well, that's what you just said about that car you said cut you off.", -"Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. Pardon me, he says, turning on his best charm, ...but is this stool taken?", -"Pedro was driving down the street, in a panic, because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila. Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said Never mind. I found one.", -"A lady gynecologist, was concerned that she was be being lied to everytime she took her car in to have it worked on. She knew very little about cars, so when she heard the local college was having classes in auto repair, she signed up. She studied very hard and was one of the best students. When the final exam came she took her time and did the best she could. She got the results backand she passed with a 150 percent out of 100 percent. When she got her grade she couldn't figure it out, so she called her professor. The professor told her, I gave you 50 percent for passing the written test, 50 percent for taking the engine apart and putting back together, and another 50 percent for doing it thru the muffler.", -Knock-KnockWho's there?lifelife who?A life is what you need to get!, -What's gross?Two vampires fighting over a bloody tampon. What's grosser than that? Finding a used condom on the bottom of a mayonnaise jar. What's grosser than that? When you open the refigerator and the rump rost farts in your face. You want to know what's grosser than that? When you sit on your grandpa's lap and he pops a boner. But the one thing that is grosser than that is when you are siting on your grandma's lap and she pops a boner., -How do you catch a unique rabbit?Unique up on it., -How do crazy people go through the forest?They take the psycho path., -What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?Quattro Sinko., -Q.) What do you ask a kid wearing a muscle shirtbut has no muscles?A.) Did you leave your muscles in your other muscle shirt?, -Q.)Your child poops in their pants- what do you do?A.)Drop off the child at day-care and make them change it., -"Q) What does a blond say when she comes out of a lesbian bar?A) Wow, those people sure were friendly!", -"A wife asked her husband well you remarry if I die?Husband: He said no, I already did....CRAP!!!", -"My friend Sam was taking electricity as one of his high school electives, originally being interested in robotics. Unfortunately, he changed his mind, but was still stuck with finishing his despised electricity books. Do you have any idea of a direction you are going to go now? asked my mother. He shook his head. No idea... That's when my dad jumped in. Well, even though you won't use it in your career, now you will know what happens electrically when you push the little red button and say 'Welcome to Sheetz, Pump 5 is on.'", -A blond goes up to a brunette that's wearing a puffy wig with two green ribbons on each front side.The blond says NICE CAT! HOW DID YOU GET IT TO BALANCE ON YOUR HEAD?The brunette tears up and says ITS A WIG! MY FRIENDS TOLD ME IT WAS IN FASHION AND I GUESS THEY HATE ME!!!The brunette runs home and never noticed that she was talking to a blond. So in the end the brunette was a blond too., -"Your momma so ugly she didn't even have to dress up for Halloween, and still scared everybody, and made some people say, Nice costume!", -"Yo momma is so stupid, she tried to kill 2 stones with one bird!", -You might be a redneck if..... you went weeks without food or shelter just so you could have front row seats to a Brooks-n'-Dunn concert., -"If poly means many and a tic is a bloodsucking creature, than what are politicians?", -"What do you call a dog without legs?It doesn't matter - he won't come, anyway.", -"A blond and her friends went to a bank to rob it. The blond's job was to get the code for the vault they wanted to rob. Finally, the blond came back to the vault and began punching in numbers. Each time she typed in a number it beeped a different sound. A friend asked, Do you know the code?The blond said, No, but listen. She made a whole bunch of beeps then said, It's the funky town music!", -"Q.)Why do kids pick their nose?A.)BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO DARN LAZY TO GET A TISSUEAND THEIR FAVORITE SHOW IS ON. EVEN THOUGH THEY'VE SEEN IT 1 HUNDRED TIMES, CAN'T MISS A SECOND TO GET A TISSUE, WHEN THEY HAVE THEIR FINGER FOR FAST AND EASY ANSWER FOR THEIR BOGERY NOSE!Q.) How do you make them stop?A.) Glue a tissue box full of tissues to their head.", -Q.) What does a blond think a leprechaun is?A.) An elf. But she only sees it when it's near the holidays and has drunk an Irish drink. Even though her parents keep telling her they aren't real..., -"To all who do NOT believe in evolution, I have proof:MY spaghetti from two weeks ago has started growing arms and legs and I think it just called me, Mommy. By the way, I, myself, do NOT believe in the theory of evolution.", -You are a redneck if:Directions to your house include ''Turn off the paved road...'', -Where do cats go to find their tail? The retail store., -"What does a grape say when it gets squished? Nothing, it just lets out a little whine.", -"Many employers motivate workers with bonuses. Some offer gym memberships, a few even supply day care for their working mothers and fathers. Our bosses go a step further. A sign posted in our break room read:New Incentive Plan . . . Work or get fired!", -There's a man with three daughters. The first daughter comes up and says Daddy why'd you name me Daisy the dad says 'cause when you were born a daisy fell on your head.The second daughter comes up and says Daddy why'd you name me Rose the dad says 'cause when you were born a rose fell on your head.The third daughter comes up and says kjaglifvgjlfj the dad says SHUTUP CINDERBLOCK, -"I used to be schizophrenic, but now we're just fine", -"Sometimes, I worry about you...But then i remember that my mom told me never to anthropomorphize.", -"A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender's having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned. Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem? The guy answers, I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream. The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. So you came home and found cream on the weight? The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, It's worse than that. The cream had turned into butter.", -"The following actually occured last year in a resturaunt in Redford, Michigan. ________________________________________________So........There's an empty bar,at the far right a manwalks up, sits down, and orders a ginger ale.Another guy sits down at the opposite side of the bar a few minutes later and orders a glass of white wine. He says aloud in a quiet voice, How could our President try to stop gay marriage?Then the man at the far right answered, Because marriage is bettween a man and a women and anyone who disagrees is going to have to change how they feel eventually if they want to go to heaven. But really why? That seems so biased. It just doesn't seem fair. Why must he do this?Because my God deems such things unlawful, and apparently the President seems to agree with him.Really.... He asked, What else does your God disaprove of?Pork.", -Q.) What kind of service has a two for one Tuesday special?A.) Yo mama!!!, -"A boy came back from school and noticed that his father was wearing his weeding ring at the wrong finger. He asked his father, Why are you wearing your ring on the wrong hand and finger? And the father said,Because I married the wrong wife.", -Vini vedi velcro, -Q.) Why do homeless people love to go to church?A.) There is always free water., -You Are A Redneck If:You light a match in your bathroom and it blows your house off its wheels!, -What do you call a lion wearing a hat?A Dandy Lion., -Q.) Why did the dog go to court? A.) Because it got a barking ticket., -"Mrs. Blondie, do swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, god?Yes I do.------------------------------------------------------------Q. Mrs. Blondie did you ever stay all night with this man in California?A. I refuse to answer that question.Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Michigan?A. I refuse to answer that question.Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?A. No.", -I'm racist because I have colored TV., -What do you say to Mexican with a high salary?Can I have ketchup on those fries?, -What did the Chinese people call their retarded son?Sum Ting Wong, -"Now I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer, so - Do you have a piece of gum?", -"A Christian, playing an active role in his church's activites, backslided and started leading a wayward life. He was usually drunk most of the time and on one occasion, as he was staggering back home after leaving a beer parlor, he fell into a gutter. He staggered back up, put one leg inside the gutter and kept going like that until his pastor saw him. What are you doing brother? the pastor asked while pulling him out of the gutter. The drunk then started shouting, I am healed, I am healed, praise the Lord. The embarrassed pastor then said, I only pulled you out of the gutter, The drunk then stuttered, Lord of Mercy, I thought I had been crippled by God.", -What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?Homeless!P.S. This works for just about any instrument player., -What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? WELL HUNG, -Q) What do you call an ant from overseas?A) Important, -I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib., -What is Kermit the Frog's middle name?The., -"Yo momma so poor, she cleans her shoes with a pencil.", -"Wow, said Joan after she saw that her friend got glasses. You like my new glasses?, asked Peter.Yep. They make you look really smart., replied Joan.I know. That's what my mom said. That's why I wear them in math class.", -"In the future, man is exploring the universe. Due to the excessive cost, they can only send out small teams of explorers to search and investigate the millions of planets they come across. One such team lands on a barren planet that seems to be just one big rock. As they investigate, their sensors pick up life signs. They follow the sensor until they come up on a large stone sentinel crouched down with its arms around its legs. They can detect life signs from it, but it doesn't move, doesn't appear to breathe. They call back to their commanders on Earth and report this abnormal situation. Because of this, many great scientific minds, military generals, politicians, and technical wizards are sent to try to interact with this leviathan. After many months, every walk of life has come to try to communicate with the sentinel, but nothing happens. It just sits there with its arms around its legs.Finally, one of the teamsters who sets up the stage occasionally when some big-shot dignitary comes thinking he can do better than the smartest people in the galaxy. He turns to the sentinel and in frustration yells, Will this thing EVER communicate with us?!?!?!Suddenly the sound of stone grinding against stone starts, and the great stone sentinel stands up. It scratches its chin pensively, then blurts out, No. It then crouches down again and assumes the same position it was in before.Another teamster who saw this turns to the man who yelled at the sentinel originally and says, Well, it only stands to reason.", -"Yo Momma is so fat, that when she finally lost her spare tire, she still had an 18 wheeler to go!", -"What did the popsicle say to the lollypop as he was leaving?So long, sucker!", -"What did the lollipop say to the popsicle?'Cool, dude!'", -Hey! Is that your head or did your neck blow a bubble?!, -You are a redneck if:Your pet groundhog has ever bitten more than one of your thumbs off., -You are a redneck if:one wall of your home is a tarp., -"When I was a little boy, I was considered clever for my age.When you were a little boy, you must have eatenpaint chips.", -I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add to it., -"I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.", -How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?, -For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out., -Droughts happen because God didn't pay his water bill., -Change is inevitable... except from vending machines., -Ahhhh...Mike! What's wrong?I-I had a nightmare.What was the nightmare?I-I-Yes?I-I-Spit it out!I-I went to heaven., -The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out., -"Yo Momma's so fat, she ate a grenade and the explosion didn't even make it out!", -"One day, a little boy came up to a man at the park.The boy asked the man, Why do you have a big nose?The man answered, Because...I have big fingers.", -"Yo momma is so fat ,She uses a pillow for a tampon.------------------------------------Yo momma is so stupid ,That when her boyfriend said, Lets do it doggie-styletonight, she sat down and licked her ass.-------------------------------------Yo momma is so dumb ,That she was arrested for taking a dump at a construction site next to a sign that read, Dump waste here. -------------------------------------Yo momma is so fat ,That when she farted, your dad ran away yelling, It's a tornado. Hide!", -"My goal is to find a soulmate. It's not cheating, just multi-tasking.", -Which sweet is very clever?A Smartie, -Knock-knock!Who's there?Toby.Toby who?Toby or not toby that is the question!, -Q) What is:BlackWhiteBlackWhiteBlackWhite?A) A nun rolling down a hill., -"I've been following the ongoing Evolution vs Intelligent Design controversy, and as a card-carrying botanist, I'm a very strong supporter of Darwin. But still, there are things in life that rational science simply cannot explain. Like Paris Hilton...", -"Q. How many acountants does it take to change a lightbulb?A. 1 at a fixed rate of 3.5% income return after purchase for every bulb replaced over a 6 year plan, with projected inflation expected to rise to over $1.25 per bulb in 2006.", -Yo momma's arms are so short that she has to tilt her head to scratch her ears., -"THIS JOKE IS NOT MEANT TO OFFEND ANYBODYThere's this guy Joe who has a parrot that he adores. Well, Joe has to go on a trip and doesn't know what to do about his parrot.Three of his buddies, who live together, offer to take him in. The three guys are Norwegian, Swiss, and African-American. Joe completely trusts these guys so he leaves his parrot with them for the week.When Joe comes back he find his bird all bandaged up. He has a broken wing, a fractured leg, and bruises all over.He asks his parrot, Well, what happened? The parrot replies I kind of got beat upJoe asks, Was it the Norwegian? The parrot says, No, he was very nice.Joe again asks, Well, was it the Swiss?The parrot replies,Nope, not at all.Joe say So it was the The parrot cuts him off, says, We don't use that word any more.", -"One beautiful morning, a husband and wife decided to go for a drive in the country. Unfortunately, no matter which road they took, they kept seeing dead possums lying on the shoulder.After several miles of this, the husband turned to his wife and said, Now I think I know the answer to the age-old question 'Why did the chicken cross the road?'What is it? she asked.Well, he replied, it was to prove to the possums that it could be done.", -"Knock-Knock.Who's there?Accordion. Accordion who?Accordion to the t.v., it's going to be cold out.", -"You should have no doubt in your mind that you are in a redneck family.....When your uncle drunkenly approaches you, slaps you on the back, grabs your face and murmurs Heaeh kiiiiiiid, I think it's a good thing I used a condum.And walks off slowy, mumbling. Cause your mamoo gets realy piiist when she's pregnant........And in disbelief, you look around to find your mom.", -"Yo mama is so ugly, that they pushed her face into cookie dough to make gorilla cookies.", -"When everything's coming up roses, it's time to celebrate. But, when everything's coming up daisies, it's time to mourn.", -"Little Johnny's father says to him, When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope. Tell her that since you are now 18 this is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression her face.OK replied Little Johnny.Later when Little Johnny got home he said to his mom, Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face.Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face. replied Little Johnny's mother.", -"Little Johnny was running away from home, crying his eyes out, when he ran across a policeman.Where are you going, Little Johnny? asked the cop.I'm running away from home, sobbed Little Johnny.The cop asked him, Why would you want to do something like that?My mommy and daddy don't love me any more, he bawled.What would make you think that? queries the cop.Well, says Little Johnny, I asked my Mom for a brand new pair of roller skates, and she said that they couldn't afford it, the mortgage was too high.That doesn't mean she doesn't love you, the cop saysNo, no, no, says Little Johnny, you don't understand. Then I asked my dad for a new bicycle and he said that they couldn't afford it because their mortgage was too high.Still, replies the cop, they might be having financial difficulties right now, but I am sure that they love you.NO! wails Little Johnny, you really don't understand. I haven't told you the worst part yet. I was outside mommy and daddy's door last night, and I heard daddy scream, I'm pulling out! and then mommy yelled, I'm coming, too! and I'm telling you, right here and right now, they're NOT leaving ME with that fucking mortgage!", -"Two young met while studying in seminary, Matthew Anderson and Anthony Sicola. They become great friends, but also become very competitive between each other. They both graduate 1 and 2 in their class, with Anthony being 1 and Matthew being 2. They then both go to their new parishes, which instantly become hugely popular. For years the two of them rise through the ranks of the Catholic Church, becoming bishops, arch-bishops, and cardinals around the same time. Always though, Anthony is considered the slightly better of the two. Eventually, the reigning Pope passes away, and the College of Cardinals is convened to choose the next Pope. They debate for days until the list is down to just two names, Anthony and Matthew. After another day or two of deliberation, the white smoke is seen, and they make the announcement, Matthew Anderson will be the next Pope. Anthony, happy for his friend, is perturbed because he knows in his heart that he is better and would make a better Pope. He pleads for time in front of the College of Cardinals, and is granted an audience. He asks them why they decided on Matthew and not him. For a few quiet, still minutes, not a single person talks. Then an old cardinal in the back speaks up. Anthony, we know you are the better of the two, but we ultimately had to come to a decision. That decision is that we just could not live with ourselves if we named the next Pope, Pope Sicola.Hint:Read Pope Sicola quickly if you don't get the punch line.", -"How long does it take a blond to change a lightbulb?They never change it, by the time they've realized that it's broken, the world would of ended.", -"A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace? She says, Bernie, I want a divorce. My goodness, he says, I wasn't planning on spending that much.", -"I always follow my first instinct,That is unless I second guess myself.---------------------------------------------Why don't you have a drink,your only driving to a funeral right?---------------------------------------------Why buy a watch from the competitor,I thought time was against us?----------------------------------------------You must be smart,because you just confused us all.----------------------------------------------", -"Knock,knock....Who's there?Fortification.Fortification who?Fortification, we're going to Miami.---------------------------------------------Knock,knock....Who's there?Carl.Carl who?Carl get you there faster than a bike.-----------------------------------------------", -Why don't vegetarian women scream during orgasms?They refuse to admit that a piece of meat gives them pleasure!, -"1) A clear concience is a sign of a bad memory.2) For every action,there is an equal and opposite critisism.3) He who hesitates is probably right.4) Eagles may soar,but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.5) I went to find some camouflage clothing,but I couldn't find it.6) My wife went to a self help group for compulsive talkers,it's called On On Anon.7) I'm reading a terrific book about anti-gravity, I just can't put it down.8) I allways wanted to be somebody,I guess I should have been more specific...9) If you are what you eat,I'm dead meat.10) Middle age is having two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.11) Seen it all,done it all,just can't remember most of it.12) Its a cruel choice,work or daytime tellevision.13) I intend to live forever -------- so far,so good.14) I have seen the truth and it makes no sence.15) The best part about computers is that they make very fast mistakes.------------------------------------------------------------", -"An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, so he calls his grandson to his bed.Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna you for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead.You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambina. Am I right?Yes grandpa, I guess so.Ok, so soma day you gonna come home and maybe finda you wife in bed with anotha man. Whada you gonna do? Pointa to da watch and say, ... TIMES UP!?", -You might just be a redneck if your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade., -"Nicholaas het by sy ouma gaan kuier, en ouma het dit goed gedink om hom bietjie groentes te leer eet wat sy ma nie graag gaar maak nie.Die spesifieke dag is broccoli aan die beurt, en ouma versin die oulikste stories oor die boompies wat hy gaan proe.Hy begin ewe entosiasties aan die eerste een eet, maar ouma sien hy kou al stadiger en kry so veraf trek in sy ogies. Ouma, roep hy toe sy ouma wat intussen in die spens verdwyn het, kom kyk hier! Die mannetjie beduie toe na sy bord waar hy die laaste boompie staan gemaak het, mooi vasgedruk in die middel van die rys. Kyk net, hierdie is die Paradys, en daardie boom is die boom waarvan God ges het ons mag nie eet nie!", -Why did the blond have blisters on her lips?From trying to blow out lightbulbs!, -How do you keep a blond busy?Write please turn over on both sides of a paper!, -Wat is die toppunt van geraas?2 geraamtes wat woellig spyker op n sinkdak met n coke blikkie as n kondoom!, -"Prostitute shouting accross the street -Hey, black boy! You want a blow job?He shouts back Fuck off! I don't want ANY job!", -"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I tell him, God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, I tell him, Probably because of something you did.", -"Yo momma so old, she still owes Moses a dollar.", -"VerbsAnal Salutebackfire bake breeze biscuits bake brownies bark bend a valve Beep your hornBlast the chairblow dirtblow dust blow a fart blow a gasketblow kisses blow mud blow smoke Blow the big brown hornblow the sparkplugs blurt boff Bottom blastBottom burp boom-boom break the seambreak wind buang angin bust ass Buttock bassoon Butt burp Butt tuba butt yodelingchemoldclear one's throat cleft a boofer colon bowlin' cook eggs couper le fromage crack asscrepitate crop dusting cut a gasser cut a melon cut chedder cut muffins cut one cut the cheese cut the provolone Cut a stinkerCut the winddeal one degas dot'dot draw mud from the bottom of the pond drop ass Drop a bomb drop a cookie drop a fart drop a ringodrop a rose drop onedrop one's guts effluviate emit a fart erupt one fardullah fart fart like a popcorn machine fessa flatulate Flatulencefloat an air biscuit frump Funky rollersfurzenfuss Gaseous intestinal by-productsget expelled from stool grunt guff heiny burp he o koita here comes Freddie HonkHUMrrhoids Jag fis kentut kill the canary launch a wifter lay a fart lay a jellybeanLet a BeeferLet each little bean be heardlet a windy let fly a fart let Freddie out of jaillet one make a stink make cheese make methane make some underleg noise Mating call of the barking spiderMexican jet propulsion ot'ot pass gas Pass windpeidar peter piffle pollute the atmosphere poopski poot pop cornpop off pritz puf Puff, the Magic Dragon! pukat queimar a bota Rebuild the ozone layer one poof at a timeRectal honkRectal shout refine shit particles release intestinal gases Release a tree monkey from captivity ringo rip one rip the canvasRipple Fartroar from the rear shit the bedshoot bunnies Shoot the cannonsink my battleship sneeze in one's pants spider's barking spill one's gutssplit the seam start a Harleystart the engine step on a duckstep on a frog step on a fart snake stink out loud stomp on the barking spider strike mudstrip a gear supply it taint ripper toot Toot your own horn To speak German Trouser coughTrouser trumpetvent winden laten", -"Knock-knock.Who's there?Dishes.Dishes who?Dishes me, who's you?", -It is illegal to stick coins in your ears in the state of Hawaii., -Why were the police at the baseball game? Because someone stole second base!, -"Yo momma is so fat and dumb, she used Antarctica as a popsicle!", -"yo mommo so stupid when she was drowning, she ate a Lifesaver. Lifesaver is a candy.", -"If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?", -"Darwin's Answer:It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.Another of Darwin's Answers:Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selectedin such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.Johnny Cochran 's Answer:Because the road was black and the chicken was white. We must acquit.Snoop Dogg 's Answer:This fool of a chicken didn't knowwhat the he was doin crossin a alley in Harlem at 1:00 in the mornin'.Bill Cosby 's Answer:Weeelll, ya see, the chicken crossed the road, and to get... to...the jello pudding pops.Homer Simpson 's Answer:There was free beer on the other side of the road.George Bush's Answer:We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. Neil Armstrong's Answer:To go where no chicken has gone before.Another Answer:That's one small step for Chicken, one giant leap for Chicken kind.", -"100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?", -"Always keep your words soft and sweet,just in case you have to eat them.", -"Famous last words:Ok, I'm only going to have one...-- Said the polygamist right after marrying his first wife.", -"Yo momma is so fat, whenever she turns around--there goes another city.Yo momma is so fat, whenever she sits down she lowers all the prices at wal-mart.Yo momma is so fat, whenever she turns around it's your birthday.Yo momma is so fat, NASA engineers mistook her for a new planet.Yo momma is so fat, it takes 1000 years to design clothes for herYo momma is so fat, whenever she gets weighed she breaks the scale.You're so fat, I wonder if it's because of yo momma.", -You might be a redneck if your dad bought you a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for Christmas., -"Yo momma is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it.", -"Yo momma is like a bus; she's big, doesn't smell very good, and it's only a dollar a ride.", -"Yo momma is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a species will be extinct.", -"Yo Mama is so stupid, she bought a video tape on how to fix your VCR!", -"Yo mama so poor, she has to chase down the garbage truck with a shopping list!", -yo momma is so old --- she knew Burger King when he was a prince!yo momma is so poor --- I saw her banging on the dumpster and I asked her what she was doing and she said My kids locked me out!, -What do you call when god takes a crap?Holy shit!, -"A young man from Peking and a first generation Chinese American woman get married. On the wedding night he climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring, saying, My darling, I know this is your first time and you must be frightened. She says that is true but she will do anything he wants. The groom says Let's start with 69. And she says, You want broccoli with beef?", -"Two cows were in a field grazing.First cow says, MOO.Second cow says, You asshole, I was gonna say that.", -Yankee Doodle went to townA-riding on his motherEvery time he hit a bumpHe had another brother!, -"1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters CHECK YOUR FLY. 4. Address the professor as your excellency.5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream AAAGH! MY EYES!6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay? Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. 12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write Signup Sheet 5 at the top, and start passing it around the room.13. Repeat number 12, except for write the names of random students in the class at the top first. It will confuse them when they see it.14. Start a wave in a large lecture hall.", -What do you call 2 nuns and 3 prostitutes on a football field?2 Tight Ends and 3 Wide Receivers, -"Knock, Knock Who's there?Ya Ya - who?I didn't know you could yodel! Yahoooo!", -"You're so ugly that when you entered an ugly contest, out of 10,000 people, you won first place!", -You're like a Wendy's. The drive through is open till 1am or later., -What did the little black boy get for his birthday? Your bike., -"Why does it take 3 women with PMS to change a lightbulb?BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, OK!!!!", -"UNIX AirwaysEveryone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.Air DOSEverybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on...Mac AirlinesAll the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.Windows AirThe terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.Windows NT AirJust like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.Windows XP AirYou turn up at the airport,which is under contract to only allow XP Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada.Linux AirDisgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, You had to do what with the seat?", -"Yo momma's so fat she stood on a talking scale and it said, 1,2,3 GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!!!!!!!", -Knock-KnockWho's there?MeMe who?Who the hell is me-who???, -What is the most racist animal in the world?A parrot bacause Polly wants a cracker not a nigger., -"FROM A FARM KID AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.Dear Ma and Pa:I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on route marches, which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A route march is about as far as to our mailbox at home.Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training.You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6 and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8 and weighs near 300 pounds dry.Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.Your loving daughter,Gail.", -"One day a little boy came over to his friends house and said, Ah shit! I got gunk on my shoe! As he was saying it, the friend's dad came over to the little boy and said, How dare you say that in front of my child! The dad sent the little boy home and called his father, telling him to come over to his house and talk to him.The father came over and said, So what if my boy said that? it's not like your kids haven't overheard you say a curse word!Actually they haven't! claimed the disgruntled father.As they argue, the disgruntled father's baby in the backround blurts out, Fuck you!", -"You're so ugly, you scare blind children.", -You're so ugly when you were born your parents named you Shit Happens, -You're so ugly instead of taking you to the doctor your mom took you to the vet., -"What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the Batmobile?Get in the Batmobile, Robin!", -Why can't a gypsy man walk right?Because he has crystal balls!, -"God made mud,God made dirt,God made guys,So girls can flirt!", -It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt., -Knock-KnockWho's thereIceeIcee whoI see you in there now let me in!, -"A boy asked his mother what the word shit meant. The mother didn't know what to say, so she said it meant food. Then he asked what the word nigger meant. She still did not know what to say, so she said priest. The last word he asked about was fuck. She really did not know what to say so she said to get dressed.When the priest came over, the boy said to the priest, Hey, nigger, the shit is on the table and my mom and dad are fucking in the room.", -"Ronnie never listens in science class because he says it's boring..One day his teacher asked, Ronnie, What are the 3 states of matter?Since he heard his name he did listen to the question. So he thinks for a second and replies, Texas, Florida, and Arkansas!", -"Aoccdrnig to rscheearch codnutced at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,it deosn't mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are tpyed,the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit oedrer. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey ltteer by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?", -"Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.", -It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others., -"You so ugly, you make President Bush look hot!", -"Yo mama so ghetto, her wedding cake was made out of cornbread.", -"1) You're so poor that when somebody rings the doorbell you have to stick your head out the window and yell, Ding-Dong!2) You're so poor that when I asked if I could use the bathroom at your house your mom gave me two sticks, one to hold the ceiling up and one to fight the cockroaches.3) You're so poor that your house is 5 square yards, one floor and no walls.4) You're so poor that your house is very dark because you can't afford a light bulb.5) You're so poor that you live in an out-house.", -"A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She points him to the correct aisle.A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?He answers, You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes. She came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers saying, 'It's sooo much cheaper!' So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she.", -"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for tests.Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the birth of their first child.The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.", -Knock Knock.Who's there?Wet.Wet who?Wet me in! It's waining!, -"Upon retirement, Dave had realized that he had poured himself into his work his entire life and never married. After spending a few weeks at home alone he decided that he needed some companionship and headed for the pet store. After looking around the store he thought that he would like to purchase a bird. He began looking at the selection available and noticed that one bird sold for $100 and the bird in the next cage was priced at $10,000. He looked and looked and studied the two birds, but he could not tell the difference, so he called over the store owner and asked him to explain. The owner said, The $10,000 bird is a perfect bird and the $100 bird is just the average everyday bird..But I still don't see the difference, said the old man. The owner explained, The $100 bird has a small hump on his beak and that made him just average. You're telling me that if that $100 dollar bird didn't have that tiny little hump in his beak he would be worth $10,000?!?!? exclaimed Dave. Well, says the owner, he might not be worth $10,000 but he would be worth quite a bit more. With much delight Dave says I'll take him! You see, I have been a master machinist my whole life and have worked with tools and my hands since I was a young boy. I think that I can file that hump off the bird's beak and make some extra money. You might be able to do that, says the owner, but I must warn you that there is a membrane in the bird's beak and if you file too deeply you will kill the bird. No problem, says Dave with great confidence, and leaves the store. About a week later Dave was back in the pet store and the owner asks how things went with the bird. He died, Dave said dejectedly. The owner says, I warned you that you could file to deeply and that would kill the bird. Oh, that's not what happened, replied Dave. Well what happened then? I accidentally crushed his head in the vice.", -"Two turds were sitting beside each other in a toilet, when one looks to the other and says, man, you smell like shit.", -"Yo Momma is so ugly, that when she met the ugliest man on Earth, he shrieked in terror and jumped out the window.", -"A man settles into his seat on the plane, when another man sits down and puts his black Labrador Retriever in the seat next to him. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he is allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a sniffing dog. His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.Once the plane has taken off and levels out, the agent says, Watch this. He tells Sniffer to search. Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, Good boy, and turns to the man and says, That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.Say, that's pretty neat, replies the first man.Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, but this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.I like it! says his seatmate.The agent then tells Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a bit, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent. He jumps into his seat and proceeds to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior, and can't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, What's going on? The agent nervously replies, He just found a bomb!", -"A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, Relatives of yours?Yep, the wife replied, in-laws.", -Fish alien transpotation Unidentified Frying Object, -I believe in evolution and if you don't I will let you meet my relatives.... Then you'll believe me, -"I love you is eight letters, but so is bull shit.", -I often dream of the day when my car will be able to drive me home after a long hard day of work. That's about the time the driver next to me abruptly blows his horn telling me to wake up and get back into my own lane., -"Did you hear the one about the blond Think Tank?Once they got it got started, it drove through three houses and a convienence store before they figured out how to stop it.", -"Mario, I am in so much pain right now I can barely sit. Leave the mushrooms for the adventures and out of the bedroom.Fine Princess. Yoshi, let's go.No, no...Yoshi can stay.", -"Q-If the big breasted women work at Hooters, where does the one legged woman work?A-Ihop", -Yo momma so old she got an autographed copy of the bible., -"My T.V. has more channels then your IQ, and I DON'T EVEN HAVE CABLE!", -"Yo momma so fat, when she sat on a rainbow skittles popped out!Yo momma so fat she tripped broke her leg and gravy poured out!Yo mommas so stupid when I said it was chilly out she grabbed a spoon and ran out!Yo momma so fat she IS the family reunion!Yo momma so skinny she hula hoops with cheerios!Yo momma so flat she jealous of the wall!Yo momma so fat when you get on top her your ears pop!Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her!Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry!Yo momma so ugly rice krispies wont talk to her!har-de-har har old school jokes for you old school insulters...", -Doctor doctor! I feel like a pack of cards! I'll deal with you later!, -"One day in the 1800's a father asked his child to go get some nuts and berries. She went around and got nuts and berries from every boy she knew. When she showed her dad he said, That's not what I meant!", -"When I shake your head, all I hear is echo echo echo...", -"Your face is sad. Not that you're crying, it's that I feel sorry for you.", -You're so ugly that your momma cried when she saw you after birth., -"You're so ugly that when it's Christmas, instead of giving you toys, Santa gives you plastic bags to cover your face.", -Q. How do you keep an idiot busy?A. Tell him that the ground is going to fall on him if he doesn't get off it., -"Yo mama's so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked What's New?", -Yo momma's so dumb she dj's for the ice cream truck!, -"Yo momma so fat, she leaves stretch marks in the bath tub.", -Kid says to mom:The babysitter's an angel! She was naked in the garden and screamed God I'm coming! Lucky daddy was holding her from behind to keep her here!, -"What is the new name for a taxi in Oshakati? A computer. Why? It has windows, always crashes, is driven by a thin black floppy with a virus.", -Did you hear about the cannibal who was late to dinner? He got the cold shoulder., -"When a cop stops you he gives you a ticket,when a cop stops me he gives me his number.", -Your so ugly you make Bin Landen look like a god., -"When one wishes to unlock a door but only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. ", -"After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school. Well, he said, it's three weeks long. What else, I asked. The first week they separate the men from the boys, he said. The second week, they separate the men from the fools. And the third week? I asked. The third week, the fools jump.", -"The perfect man and the perfect woman got married, had a perfect honeymoon, and got a perfect car. One day, they were driving along and Santa Claus was on the side of the road. His sleigh had broken down, and he needed a ride to the next town. The perfect couple were nice, and let him hitch a ride. Well, they were driving along when they crashed into a tree. Only one of them lived. Who? The perfect woman. Why? There is no such thing as Santa Claus, and God knows that there isn't any such thing as a perfect man! ;)", -"A gentleman walks into bar, and to his horror, sees a screaming naked lady tied to the wall while the bartender licks her! The guy runs out and calles the police.He is even more horrified when the police say there is nothing they can do; the bartender has lick-her license.", -Your teeth are so yellow the sun should be shy to show it self!, -"With a lousy year under his belt a tractor salesman was traveling down a dusty back road in Iowa, when he came across a farmer working his field with an old, broken down tractor. He jumped out of his truck and gave his best sales pitch to the old guy. The farmer stroked his chin and said, The other day I was getting ready to milk Betsy. I was just getting started when she kicked me with her left leg. So I grabbed me a piece of rope and tied her leg to the stall. Just as I was starting again, she kicked me with her right leg. I grabbed another piece of rope and tied leg to the other side of the stall. I'll be darned if when I started again she smacked in the face with her tail. I grabbed another piece of rope and tied her tail to the rafter above. Mister, if you can convince my wife that I was just trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor.", -"Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.", -"No one dies a virgin, life screws us all!", -"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.-Poor Bear", -Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over. -Unknown , -What did the bee say to the naughty bee?Bee-Hive your self, -"When a guy asked a blond to take a survey, she asked, Do I have to bring it back?", -"MEXICAN VIRUS BUENOS DIAS!! JOU HAVE YUST RECEIVED A MEHICAN BIRUS!!! SINCE WE NOT SO TECHNOLOGICALLY ADBANCED IN MEHICO, DIS IS A MANUAL BIRUS.PLEASE DELETE ALL THE FILES ON JOUR HARD DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THIS E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW. TAN JOU POR YELPING ME. JULIO MANUEL JOSE FEDENZIO RODRIGUEZ GARCIA , MEXICAN HACKER", -"Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and takethem to their separate hotelrooms.The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depressionis made worse by the fact that,from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries ofHere I come again ... ONE, TWO,THREE... UUH! all night long.In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go?The first mutters, It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get anerection.The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's embarrassing?I couldn't even get on the bed..", -"You may not know this but many non-living things have agender.1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everythingin, but you can see right through them.2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; ittakes a while to warm them up again. 3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's oftenover inflated.4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to goanywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and ofcourse, there's the hot air part.5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft,squeezable and retain water. 6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always gettinghit on.7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same oldlines to pick people up.8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, theweight shifts to the bottom.9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed muchover the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to havearound.10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'dbe male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives aman pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while hedoesn't always know the right buttons to push, hekeeps trying!", -I have learned to not jump out the window with a towel as a parachute...never throw a boomerang if you don't know how to catch it...don't fly a kite while facing towards the wind...don't throw a cat on a dog...never leave a three year old alone with duct tape and glue..don't let a friend make you laugh while eating unless he/she knows the heimlich maneuver...don't ditch school if you don't know the way back home, -"While driving to work, I found myself behind an old Ford Falcon, with five teenage boys inside. The best part was the bumper sticker in the center of the rear window. It read:DON'T LAUGH, YOUR DAUGHTER COULD BE IN HERE!", -I never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed appoint, -"When I worked in the tourist industry in Florida, we got to wear some of the buttons that were for sale. My favorite read :We love serving tourists; I like mine well done!", -I almost got fired for telling this joke at work:Do you know why fireman have bigger balls than policeman?They sell more tickets!, -"An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The accountant said, I like both. Both? The accountant replied Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.", -"To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.", -"I was watching my friend instant message. She was talking to a kid that she knew. The kid had lost his hat. I suggested, rather foolishly, to look in his nose. My friend typed this. He then wrote I'm going to look there on Monday.", -"A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.The owner says, How about a dog?The man replies, A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!The owner says, How about a cat?The man replies, No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!The owner thinks for a minute, then says, I've got it -- a centipede! The man says, A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede.He gets the centipede home and says to it, Clean the kitchen. Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door.The man says, Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?The centipede says, I'm goin'! I'm goin'! Just putting on my shoes!", -"How do we look at a calendar to find what date it is, when we don't know the date?", -"One day a duck walked into a drugstore and bought some lipstick. She walked up to the clerk and said, Put it on my bill!", -How is it we look in a dictionary to figure out how to spell something if we don't know how to spell it?, -"Knock-KnockWho's there?OscarOscar who?Ask her a silly question, get a silly answer!", -"Yo momma so dumb, She invented water proof tea bags.", -An ejector seat on a helicopter.A fly screen on a submarine.An ashtray for a motorcycle.A lead balloon.A bikini for Eskimos.Sugar-cube fishing bait.A glass baseball bat.., -"1.Doctor, Doctor! My son swallowed a pen, what should I do?Use a pencil instead!2.Doctor, Doctor! I think I'm getting shorter!You'll just have to be a little patient.3.Doctor, Doctor! I'm invisible!I'm sorry, sir, I can't see you right now.", -"1. Send him to the store for tampons, telling him to ask which is the best brand.2. When he tells you he loves you say, I do, wait, I don't love you!3. Tell him you're a covicted serial killer everytime he asks you how are you.4. Spill his favorite and most expensive cologne down the toilet and tell him he made me do it!", -"One night, a little boy and his father were having a conversation. The father asked the boy, Can you say your ABC's, son?Yes I can! A...B..C... and he goes through the whole alphebet.The father then said, That's good, but can you say it backwords?The boy smiles and says, yeah, so he turns around and says, A...B...C...", -A man called the computer company because he was having trouble with his computer. A woman answered the phone.Hello. May I help you?Yes. I'm having trouble with my computer. Every time I press the enter key my computer goes biserk.I think I know what you should do.Really?Yes.What should I do?You should stop pressing the enter key., -Yo momma's like 7-11...Cause she is open all day., -"A man went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. The doctor said, Don't worry, you'll be walking in no time. He was. The doctor stole his car.", -"One day the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, How was the trip? It was great, Dad. Did you see how poor people can be? the father asked. Oh, yeah, said the son. So what did you learn from the trip? asked the father. The son answered, I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them. At this the boy's father was speechless. Then his son added, Thanks, dad, for showing me how poor we are.", -"Dick and Jane were arguing over the breakfast table.Oh you're so stupid!shouted Dick.Dick! said their father, That is enough! Now say you're sorry!Okay, said Dick, I am sorry you're stupid.", -"The King sent for his wise men allTo find a rhyme for W.When they had thought for a time,But could not think of a single rhyme,I'm sorry, he said, To trouble you.", -"Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?Actually, yes, we are, one cleric replied. How did you know?Easy, said the caddy, I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!", -knock-knockwho's there?duckduck who? duck I just threw a frisby at you!!, -A man who digs?Doug!A man who doesn't dig?Douglas!A woman with a cat on her head?Kitty!, -"Yo momma is so old, she was stood up by King Tut, before he became a mummy.", -"It's a sunny morning in a big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! Who's been eating my porridge? he squeaks.Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! Who's been eating my porridge? he roars.Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch and screams, For gosh sakes, how many times do we have to go through this crap? I haven't made the porridge yet!", -"1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.2. Say Wouldn't you like to know? every time someone asks you a question.3. Specify that your drive-through order is to go.4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip...5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.7. Speak only in a robot voice.8. Push all the flat Lego pieces tightly together.9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will swipe your grub.10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.12. Sniffle incessantly.13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.14. Name your dog Dog.15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to keep them tuned up.16. Reply to everything someone says with, that's what YOU think.17. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for violating your air space.19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a real hoot.20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.21. Practice making fax and modem noises.22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a spider person.26. Finish all your sentences with the words in accordance with prophecy.27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.30. Disassemble your pen and accidentally flip the ink cartridge across the room.", -"An application was for employmentA program was a TV showA cursor used profanityAnd a keyboard was on a piano!Memory was something that you lost with ageAnd a CD was a bank accountAnd if you had a corrupted diskIt would hurt when you found out! Compress was what you did to garbageNot something you did to a fileAnd if you unzipped anything in publicYou'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fireA hard drive was a trip on the roadA mouse pad was where a mouse livedAnd a backup happened to the commode! Cutting, you did with a pocket knife,Pasting, you did with glue.The Web was where a spider livedAnd a virus was the flu!", -"Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it will cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX , it would take him a whole 12 hours. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.", -"Everyone can be an Echo!1] Repeat everything a person says does in an exaggerated way2] If your victim tries to get you to stop by saying something like, 'I'm a stupid furball,' say ' at least you have the courage to admit it!'3]This is the most important instruction! DO NOT LET YOUR VICTIM NEAR A BOOK!", -Yo mama is so fat that she uses all of Mexico as a tanning bed., -Yo momma is so fat she needs to lose weight., -1) That's not right - Sum Ting Wrong2) Who are you with? - Hu Yu Hai Ding3) See me ASAP - Kum Hai Nao4) Stupid Man - Dum Gai5) Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan7) I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Band Mai Ni8) It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim9) I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching10) This is a tow away zone - No Pah Ding11) Our meeting is next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao12) Staying out of sight - Lai Ying Lo13) He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka, -"You can hear mimes.You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.The Sun is too loud.Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.You can skip without a rope.Trees start chasing you. Know Someone Who's Stressed Out... Or You Just Want To Make Laugh? Pass This Forward Along Today!", -Message from www.dating.com:Your dating ad has been on the netfor 8 weeks without any answer!Do you rather want us to tryone week without a picture?, -"Two contracters were building a house. While they were sawing a board, the saw slipped and cut of one of the contracter's ears off. They were looking through the sawdust and one contracter came up with the ear. He asked his co-worker, Is this it? The other one said No, mine had a pencil behind it!", -"One day Tommy was sitting in class, the teacher came over and told him to go out in the hallway. He got mad and he didn't move. Five minutes later, she came back over to him and tapped him on the shoulder. I thought I told you to go out in the hallway. I did, He told her lying through his teeth. Ok then, so what did you do with your gifts? she asked. What gifts? Your mom was outside in the hallway holding some gifts for you for your birthday, did you not see her or were you lying to me? So he ran outside the class but his mom was gone. He was very upset but as he was walking back into the class, the teacher said, Gotcha, that will teach you to disobey me and lie.", -"A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, Are you ready to find Jesus? The drunken man answers, Yes, I am. So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, Brother have you found Jesus? The drunken man replies, No, I haven't found Jesus. The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, Have you found Jesus my brother? The drunk again answers, No, I haven't found Jesus. By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, For the love of God have you found Jesus? The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, Are you sure this is where he fell in?", -"There are two guys walking down the street when they stumble upon a drunk. They walked up to him and the 1st guy said, Sir, what is you name? My name is Jesus Christ! slurred the drunk. That can't possibly be, what is your real name? asked the 2nd man. The drunk repeated, I told you my name is Jesus Christ! The two men still didn't believe him so the drunk told them to follow him as he walked into a nearby bar. It was then they heard the bartender say, Jesus Christ, are you here again?!", -I don't need to write a joke! Whenever I see your face I start to laugh anyway!!, -Why did the boy sprinkle sugar underneath his pillow that night?He wanted to have sweet dreams., -"Why are llamas big and brown?Beacause if they were small grey, they would be mice.", -What is black white an red all over?A penguin holding its breath!, -"1. During recess time, I like skipping rope. When I skip I shout a rhyme, And jump with all my hope.2. I didn't study for the test even though I should've. I was playing PS2 and I would've, so I copied off of yours, I got them all wrong, so now I sing this song. 3. Some gum chum? It's watermelon, although I chewed it some, and it is jerybellum. ", -Doctor doctor! I keep thinking I'm invisible! WHO SAID THAT?!?!?, -"What does the male centipede say to the other male centipede when a female centipede walks by?That's a nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs.....", -Yo momma'a so stupid she stopped at a stop sign and waited untill it changed to 'Go!', -What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?Getting fingered by Captain Hook., -What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?We taste like chicken!!, -What's the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?One is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt., -"What does a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?Men always miss them.", -"Yo momma's so ugly, she turned medusa to stone!", -"Warning - Please DO NOT look at the bottom of the page before you answer ALL the questions1) What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?5) What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?6) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?7) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?ANSWERS:1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. ", -Yo momma's So stupid she put yellow for the answer to the following question:What color is Santa's red suit?, -You're about as useful as a bargain hunter in Sears!, -"1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die from natural causes.2. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.", -"Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time. - Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn! - I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any. - I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot. - I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne. - I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home. - I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas. - I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time. - I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning. - I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse. - I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers. - I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing. - I can taste my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies. - I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.", -The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market. The agents will be called Pseudo Feds., -Yo momma so stupid she shoved a battery up her butt and yelled I've got the power, -"An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about preparing a will. The receptionist suggested they set up a convenient time for the spinster to come to the office. You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house? the elderly woman asked. The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and went to the spinster's home to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will? I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank, she replied.Tell me just how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed? the lawyer asked. Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on, said the woman. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral. Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! the lawyer exclaimed. I need to know, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?The spinster replied, As you know, I've never married and the fact is I've never slept with a man. So before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me just once. This is a very unusual request, the lawyer said, but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went in. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out, so she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the county bury her.", -Here's 50 centscall someone who cares, -If you can tell time...Why can't you tell that I don't have time for you?, -"Ever wonder why your ears are where they are?Just think, if they were on your butt, you would have to pull down your pants to hear what I'm saying--REDD FOXX", -"There was a stupid boy named Max. His dad wanted to see what he would do if he gave him a dollar, so Max's dad gave him a dollar the next day. Max was so excited. As he walked to school that day, the dollar in his hand, a little girl came up to him and said, I will give you 2 shiny quarters for that dollar. Max figured that 2 was better than 1, so he willingly traded. When Max reached the school, a little boy came up to him and said, I'll give you 3 dimes for those 2 quarters. Max traded again. Then his teacher came up to him, and knowing that he was so dumb, asked him to trade his 3 dimes for 4 nickels. Again, he traded. As Max was walking home from school that day, a old man came up to him and said, Will you trade those 4 nickels for these 5 pennies? Max traded. When Max got home, his dad asked his where his money was. Max showed him and Max never got money again.", -"Why did our founding fathers expressed equality, but the constitution says people born in other countries can't be president?", -"Please tell me how to obey these signs:All Night Dance Club; NO MUSIC ALLOWEDPublic Stairway; Please do not climb on stairsCountry Road; NO PEDESTRIANS OR AUTOMOBILESA room in a touch-an-feel musem; Do not touchA seminar for the deaf; Please listen to othersLocal bookstore; Feel free to read books in this section, however do not read them in this storeA local carpet store completely covered in rugs; Come in! Please do not step on rugsAnd please tell me who wrote these signs.", -"In the 60's, people took acid to make the world appear weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.", -This above a uranal.What are you looking at? The real joke is in your hands!, -"General Ways to Annoy PeopleAnnounce when you're going to the bathroom.Ask people to prove everything they say. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.", -"How To Annoy People In An Elevator:Ask, Did you hear that cable snapping sound?Call the psychic hotline from you cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you're on. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, That's mine!Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator.", -Ways To Annnoy Your RoommateBecome a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime.Ask your roommate if your family can move in just for a couple of weeks. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food., -"Ways To Annoy People In The Computer LabBring some dry ice make it look like your computer is smoking. Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.", -Ways To Annoy People On The SubwayStand in front of the doorway and glare at people when they try to get by.Constantly ask people for directions.Don't take a shower for a month.Tell the people your problems. They really want to know., -How many rich people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?None. They hire people to do it for them., -"A blond and a red-head were planning to go to an amusement park.When they got to the park the blond asks, who will pay, You or me?.So the red-head says, I'll tell you what, you'll pay for entrance, and I'll pay for all the rides. ", -"There once was a small jokester called Joey, who was visting at his Grandpa's. Now Grandpa was rather short of temper, so after Joey had been standing in the doorway for 5 minutes, trying to decide whether or not to go outside, he said, ''Hurry up, now will you?''Joey turned around and frowned. ''Keep your hair on,'' he grumbled. Seeing Grandpa's bald head, he giggled, ''Opps! To late!''", -"In a slave market, an owner is showing his slaves for selling.A man come to the shop and pointing to an American slave and asked, how much he is?. The owner said, $100. And the man pioint to a Russian slave, asked again, and the owner reply, $1000. The man point to Japanese slave, and the owner reply , $10000.Finally the man point to a African slave and ask the price, the owner reply, $100000.The customer is confused and ask, Why that black slave cost too much?.The owner reply, His brain is still new, he never used his brain.-----------------------------------I don't mean to make someone feel bad.Coz i am a afro-american", -What are you laughing at? Your mom is a hooker!, -How many feet does a black rooster have?How many wings does a black rooster have?How many heads does a black rooster have?How many hairs are on the back of a white cat?Why is it that you know more about a black cock rather than a white pussy?, -"Q. What do you call a blond, redneck lawyer?A. Yo Momma!", -The best things in life are free and the worst things in life cost only $19.95., -"On a very busy high way there stood three images. Santa, The easter bunny and a smart mexican. Well who crossed the street first?NoneThere is no such thing as santa, the easter bunny, or a smart mexican.", -What's missing?ch_ _ ch U R you are, -What is a robot's favorite food?Nuts and bolts!, -Q. Where does a fish like to sleep?A. In a river bed!, -Q. Where do Comedians go if they are sick?A. To the He-He-Mergency room!, -Q. Why was the Gum so mad in class?A. It was Chewed Out!, -Q. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a computer?A. A lot of Bytes!!!, -Q. Why was the piano locked out?A. Because he had no keys!, -Q. Who likes to make dinner for Peter Pan?A. Captain Cook!, -Q. What do you call a cow that gives chocolate milk?A. An Utter Delight!, -"A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, I'm running away from home! The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. What if you get hungry? he said. Then I'll come home and eat! bravely declared the child. And what if you run out of money? I will come home and get some! readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, What if your clothes get dirty? Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them, was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!", -Why couldn't the Human Torch get married?He couldn't find his Match!, -What do you call a stupid garbage can?A Dumb-ster!, -What did the director say after making the Mummy Movie?It's a Wrap!, -Q. What always stays hot inside a refridgerator?A. Salsa!, -"My little sister recently asked me:Why does the conductor of the band always wave his magic wand, but the players never disappear?", -"No, of course it isn't.", -"GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARYDESTROYED BY FLOOD Crawford, Texas A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one. The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.", -Q. What little girl takes from the rich and gives to the poor?A. Little Red Robbin' Hood!, -Your mama is so fat because your mama's mama passed down genes!, -You're so fat you turn the world upside down!, -"A priest and a rabbi are sitting in a park talking. A young boy walks by, the priest says Hey, you want to screw him? and the rabbi says Out of what?", -"A man had just got to his hotel room with his newlywed wife on thier honeymoon. He said, Let's screw. So they took off their clothes and got close and started kissing and the man said, Wait, we don't have a condom, I'm not ready for kids yet. So the man called up the bellhop and asked him to bring up a condom. When the bellhop got their he said, Here is your condom sir, would you like me to put it on your bill?", -"A cowboy an indian and a muslim were in an airport waiting for their flight. After some silence the indian says. Once my people were many, now we are few.Then the muslim says, My people were many, we are still many, he turns to the cowboy, Why do you think that is?The cowboy says, Maybe that's 'cause we haven't played cowboys 'n' muslims yet.", -"Boudreaux's first military assignment was to a military induction center and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Boudreaux's sales pitchBoudreaux stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, If you have da normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which cost you only $30.00 a month, the government has topay your beneficiary $200,000.Now, Boudreaux concluded, which bunch do you think they gonna send to Iraq first?", -How do you plant dope?Bury a blond., -"A blond was stuck on an island. She could not get off, but there was an interesting structure on the island that intrigued her. It was a building with a small hole running through the bottom of it, and a bit away from it was a small hole, about five inches in diameter. She realized that there was no food on the island. She was stuck there for two days when the intendent came out and said, Ma'am, the pedestrians here would appreciate it if you would get off of the Western Golf Course for awhile.", -"Yo momma's so fat, she sneezed and caused a hurricane!", -"A mother explained to her daughter, We didn't have TVs not to long time ago, sweetie.She looks at her mother strangely and asks, Then how did they play their VCR's?", -"A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor asked her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?Yes, they help me sleep at night.Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 18 year old granddaughter drinks; believe me, it helps me sleep at night!", -"1. knock knock, who's there? Ima, Ima who? Ima hungry can we eat yet?2. knock knock, who's there? peas, peas who? peas can we start know3. knock knock, who's there? phil, phil who? phil my cup up with water please", -"Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, Vat sims to be ze problem? Harvey says, I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.' The old man says, Mmm-Hm! and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, Ve haf vays of making you tock!", -rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt., -"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade. Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor.", -Of course you know they have changed the look of twenty dollar bills recently.What happens to the old ones?Bill Gates gets them!, -Want to know a dirty joke? A white horse falls into a mud puddle. Wanna know a clean joke? The horse takes a shower., -What do the letters INRI at the top of Jesus' cross stand for?I'm Nailed Right In., -"Jesus sees a woman being assaulted by an angry crowd and steps in front of her and says, let he who hath no sin cast the first stone. From the crowd comes a rock flying at the woman. Jesus looks over and says, Damn it mother, sometimes you really piss me off.", -"A farmer is going down the road with his horse pulling his wagon and his dog lying next to 'em. The farmer says, It sure is hot out here. The horse turns back and says, It sure is. The farmer says, I didn't know horses could talk. The dog said, Neither did I.", -"A guy was smoking a cigarette. Another guy comes up to him and asks, Do you have an extra cigarette? The first guy looks at the box and reads that it contains 20 cigarettes. He counts all the cigarettes in his box and says,Nope, don't got any extra cigarettes.", -Who is Yo Momma? Yo Momma doesn't know., -"Over 75% of the jokes submitted to this site are duplicates. Please search the website before submitting a joke to make sure yours it is not already listed.Before submitting your joke, please check it for spelling and grammatical errors because you will not be able to correct them later.If this is your first time submitting a joke, please review the Style Guidelines.Most importantly, do not use copyrighted jokes without the permission of the author.", -This is laziness!, -"Two guys decided to go buy two pigs. So after they bought them they wanted to know which one was who's.So they went to the barn but when they got there the two pigs were fighting. After they broke them up one pig was missing a ear. So one guy said, What are we going to do now? So after they thought about it for a while they went back to the barn. When they got there the pigs were fighting again. After they broke them up one pig was missing a tail. So the guy said, ''What now?''After they thought about it for a while they went back to the barn. The pigs were fighting again. After they broke them up one pig was missing a leg. So the guy said, ''What now?'' The other guy said, FUCK IT! I get the white one and you get the black one.", -"A man was screaming into his phone saying Can you hear me now?. Annoyed, a CIA offical said Yes, we can hear you now!", -To save a tree remove a Bush., -What do you call a woman with one black eye?A fast learner., -Yo momma so stupid she ties her shoes with spahgetti so she can eat and run., -You know your are in Alaska when you go to court and they ask you where you were on the night of October to April!, -"Yo momma so bald, I can read her mind", -"Can a mane date the sister of his widow?No, because you can't date when you are dead.", -D.A.R.E. sadly doesn't stand for Drugs Are Really Excellent., -Yo momma so stupid she asked to buy a vowel on Wheel of Fortune and said S, -"Little Johnny Clever was in Mrs. Gleason's 3rd grade class for just a couple of weeks when he ran home to his mom and showed her a little 3x3 piece of paper. It had the word Homework crossed out in a circle with a slash What is this? The mother said inquiringly.Its a no homework pass mommy! I raised my hand the most in class. All you have to do is sign it and I dont have to do any homework for tonight! says Johnny excitedly!'Well thats a good thing to keep kids interested in the subject and class participation. I bet this teacher's been teaching for quite a while!' thought his mother as she signed the slip for him. So the next day Johnny comes home again just as excited. He won another no homework pass. His mother was starting to be very proud. This happened every day for the whole nine weeks. On report card day, Johnny came home with a D and she started to wonder if maybe he shouldnt be given so many no homework passes but when she asked him about it, he said that the tests were just very hard. Well that's allright Johnny, mommy didnt do very well on tests when she was a little girl either. But thats why you have to do your homework to keep up the test grades from making you to fail. The same thing happened all next nine weeks with the no homework pass, and Johnny's mom was sure that her little boy was going to get an A next report card. She started bragging to all her co-workers just how well little Johnny was doing. Johnny's dad was hearing the good work that his son was doing and was boasting to all of his co-workers as well. At the end of the nine-weeks, they both decided to have a party and let everyone see the big improvement their son was having from bringing that C up to an A. On the big report card day, Mom and Dad were laughing and having a good time when Little Johnny came in the front door and saw all the guests his mom and dad had. Taken aback by this, he asked his mom what was going on.This is for you honey! for doing so well in school! Show everyone your report card!Um mom... my teacher wants you to call her first before you open the report card?Oh? she said? 'She must want to tell me what a great job Little Johnny's been doing!' she thought... so called the teacher and put her on loud speaker for everyone to hear.Ahem, Mrs. Gleason? Hi! This is Mrs. Clever! Little Johnny's mom! Im so happy you wanted to speak to me about my little boy! exclaimed Johnny's mom.Mrs. Clever? I'm not too sure what you're talking about... Did you see the report card? Thinking this was the big moment, and she opened up the card to see the big F that Johnny came home with. Obviously getting upset at the teacher because she knew immediately what happened... she spoke back very flustered.Mrs. Gleason! I am appalled! If johnny wasnt doing so well, why did you keep giving him the no homework passes that I was signing??N-n-no homework PASSES? a chuckling Mrs. Gleason started... no no no... They're no homework SLIPS, when the children dont do their homework! they have to get them signed and bring them back!....oh really... Mrs Clever started to eye little Johnny as he started backing away...You mean to tell me that he's been telling you they're no homework passes?..... So the next day, Johnny couldnt sit down very well...... and the next day after that, Johnny had his homework.", -"- You're so stupid, you got locked inside a grocery store and starved to death!- You're so big, you play pool with the planets!- You're so fat, when you went outside in yellow clothes, someone screamed, TAXI!- You're so big, when you go to the movies, you sit next to everybody!- You're so ugly, when you were born, the doctor slapped your parents.- You're so stupid, the three stooges use you as an inspiration!", -"A judge frowns at the criminal report of the man he is judging. He asks, So you robbed the same store on three successive nights?The robber replies, Yes your honor.The judge, even more perplexed asks, And why was that?Because my wife wanted a dress, says the robber.The judge checks with his records, But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!Yes sir. She made me exchange it twice.", -What kind of sneakers do chickens wear?Re-bok-bok-bok-bok-bok., -"Here are more funny thoughts from www.crazythoughts.com.Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit? Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?Why is a square meal served on round plates?Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?Which way does a compass point in space? Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?Why do all superheroes wear spandex?If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?Why did Mary own a little lamb? If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?Why can't a baby cry while it's inside its mother?If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, I wish you would not grant me this wish what would you do?Why are Pringles curved?What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be under par in any thing else?Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?Why do people say, You can't have your cake and eat it too? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?Can bald men get lice?? How come popcorn isn't a vegetable? Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different forms of water?Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off?Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?Why is it that if something says, do not eat on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn't you be able to go anywhere you want?If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn't we now be seeing people from the future?Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?", -"How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?When something's funny why is it called a knee-slapper when you actually slap your thigh?Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?Is sign language the same in languages other than English?Why is number abbreviated as no? When there is no o in number?Why do they call the small candy bars the fun sizes? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?If you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her?If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?Why is Donkey Kong called DONKEY Kong if he's a monkey?If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?When a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do you call a girl that is named after her mother?Just what was the Baby On Board sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?Does Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii?If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch? Can you cry under water?If all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products? 364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ? Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do? Why do you have to put your two cents in but it's only a penny for your thoughts? Where's that extra penny going too ? Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine? Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?Why is Christmas colors red and green when Santa's suit is red and white? Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper? Since there is a rule that states i before e except after c, wouldn't science be spelled wrong?If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later? If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put them at the end of the bathrooms ?Why is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says adult is 12 and above, but the adult age in reality is 18? Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage? Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down? Can a metal plate in your head get rusted?Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves? If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it's illegal to keep them as a pet?What do vegetarians feed their dogs? Can someone give up lent for lent?Why would Dodge make a car called Ram?Why does a round pizza come in a square box?Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?Why is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17?What did cured ham actually have?If CD's were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards?If lava melts rock, wouldn't the lava melt the volcano?If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?Can a blind man see his future?Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Why do people say, you've been working like a dog when dogs just sit around all day?Can you write in pencil on an eraser?How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?Why is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths?Can you blow a balloon up under water?Can crop circles be square?How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?Why are there black lines on a basketball?Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say 30 minutes then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you??Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?When you see the weather report and it says partly cloudy and then the next day it says partly sunny; what's the difference?Can a person choke and die on a life savor?Why are women and men's shoe sizes different? What happens when you say hi to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?If you took a compass to outer space would it still point magnetic north? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space? Why is it illegal to put money in other people's parking meters? Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?Why do people who don't want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer? Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird?Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?", -"Isn't it scary that the word therapist is the same as the words the and rapist put together?Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?Do pigs pull ham strings?Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?Why do radio operators say niner instead of just nine?Why do people say heads up when you should duck?Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a time clock? Aren't all clocks time clocks?Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap?Can dogs have dog days?When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president?If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday? Do birds pee?Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator?If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins anearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?Why does closing up a shop and closing down a shop mean the same thing?Why do they call them Animal Crackers when there not even crackers...they're cookies?How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?How do you throw away a garbage can? Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A Canada?Why do old men have hair in their ears? Why are things typed up but written down?Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?What does OK actually mean?what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?Why do donuts have holes?Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?Do the different MM's colors taste different?If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?If you're caught between a rock and a hard place, is the rock not hard?If one man says, it was an uphill battle, and another says, it went downhill from there, how could they both be having troubles?Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?Why do we say bye bye but not hi hi?Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?How do you handcuff a one-armed man?Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up? If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?Why do they call it your bottom, when it's really in the middle of your body?How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?Why do British people never sound British when they sing?Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?Why do they call it head over heels in love If our head is always over our heels?Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? How did the headless horseman know where he was going?Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?", -"A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, Guess who? The controller switched the field lights off and replied, Guess where!", -"1. How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?Just one.2. How many Candains does it take to change a lightbulb?One to whack it out with his hockey stick, and one to screw in the new one.3. How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?One to screw it in, 2 to support him, and 1 to disagree with his lightbulb approach.4. How many terrorists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?1 to crash a plane into the lightbulb, and 1 to put in the new lightbulb.5. How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?One to take out the old one, one to attempt to kick it in to the socket, and one to buy new bulbs after the kicking attemts fail.", -When I was younger my father always told me to be more lady like and civil. I decided to teach him a lesson. When we arrived at his mothers house there were donuts on the table. We sat around and talkedI soon got up to excuse myself saying I have to pee. Dad reminded me that there was a better way to put that.I'm sorry I said I have to powder my nose like a racehorse., -If you haven't read this joke, -Knock-KnockWho's there?Me DUHH!!, -"Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know, ask the chicken!", -"Your so ugly, when you were born the doctors shoved you back in.", -What did one penny say to another penny?Let's get together and make cents, -"How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?One, but it takes a certified electrician to make it work.", -"You are so small that on your ID picture, your feet showed.", -You are a redneck if:You think the following is funnyYou haven't read the joke You are a Redneck If... 900., -Yo momma is so fat if they named a hurricane after her it would have to be a category 20., -Yo mommas so stupid she asked how much she had to pay to get a free car-wash., -"yo mommas so stupid, she brought a TV remote to the movie theater.", -"Yo Momma so dirty, she went in for a shower and lost weight!", -"Three men are sitting next to a dead guy. The first one can only say, Yup! Yup! Yup! The second one can say, Forks and Knives. Forks and knives. Finally, the third one can say, Goddie, goodie gumdrops! Goodie, goodie gumdrops!A cop comes by and asks the first one if he killed the man. Unable to say anything else, he says, Yup! Yup! Yup! Then he asks the second man, What weapons did you use? The second man says, Forks and Knives. Forks and knives. Astonished, he is taken back for a second and then tells them all that they will go to jail. The third man tries to plead, Goddie, goodie gumdrops! Goodie, goodie gumdrops!", -"I had been dating this really cool guy for like 2 weeks, and we finally went out. We saw the RING and i was totally freaked, and I had ordered a HUGE pop, and drunk it all. Anyway, we were really snuggling tight,like our legs were wrapped around each other, and such. Of course, I had to pee bad, but I didnt want to interupt our snuggling, as it might result in, when I got back, not re-snuggling, so I didnt. At one point, there was this sudden, out of nowhere, loud noise, and it freaked me out, and, as you've probably guessed, I peed. But, it wouldnt stop. It was really bad. I was wearing a skirt and so, afer drenching my undies, it trickled down my legs, and since his legs were wrapped around mine,it trickled down his, too... When he felt it, he jumped up, saw my wet skirt, and yelled, Did u just pee all over me? which caused a HUGE disturbance as everyone turned to look at me. He goes, Well??!! so I hav to tell him yes and he yells for me to leave and to not come back. I did, actually, and I had to call for my best friend to pick me up, as I had come in my boyfriend's car.", -"This is a joke to do to a very gullible person. You start off by telling that person to say Just like me, whenever you say something. You then start:I went to my houseJust like me.And walked through the doorjust like meand up the stairsjust like meand then I walked down the halljust like meand opened the door to my roomjust like me And then I heard a noisejust like me and I looked out my windowjust like meAnd saw a monkey that lookedjust like me", -Yo mamma is so nasty that she can help stop air pollution by not breathing., -"If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, from concentrate!", -"A son and a father are walking together in a sunday morning, chatting. They enter a park and pass by a big, fat man, on a bench, drooling in his sleep and a bag of potato chips on his lap. As they pass by him the son snickers, while the father sighs. They continue walking talking about many things. Eventually, a hot woman in a red dress passes by, the son looks at her with eyes of passion. The father looks at her too.Son, don't be fooled by a woman's good looksthe son looks at his father, ready for a lesson.That's your mom 20 years agothen he sighs.That's your mom now, he says as he looks at the man on the bench.", -"Thank you for using Wocka.com. This page states the terms and conditions under which you may use the web site. It is important that you read this page carefully because by opening our web site you agree to be bound, without limitation or qualification, by these terms. If you do not accept any of the terms stated here then do not use the web site. This web site may, in its sole discretion, modify or revise these terms at any time by updating this web page. You are bound by any such modification or revision and should therefore visit this page periodically to review the terms.", -"Use of our web site is at all times at your own risk. 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The web site, to the fullest extent permitted by law, disclaim all warranties, including but not limited to warranties of title, fitness for a particular purpose, merchantability and non-infringement of proprietary or third party rights. The web site makes no warranties about the accuracy or reliability of the material, services, text, graphics, and/or links. The web site does not warrant that the web site will operate error-free or that this web site or its server are free of computer viruses or other harmful items. If your use of our web site or the material on this site results in the need for servicing or replacing equipment or data, the web site is not responsible for those costs.", -"Our web site will contain, among other things, bulletin board services, discussion forums, ratings, and other communication tools common to such web sites. Much of the content on this site is provided by the users of this site. This site has no responsibility for such content and is providing access to all content as a service to our users. Our company has no obligation to monitor the content and information posted on the site.Some of the jokes on this site may not be suitable for younger viewers. This site contains a rating system by which you can filter out material that you dont want to see, however you may come across objectionable material by using this website.Our company does not endorse the truthfulness, accuracy, or reliability of any information posted on the site. We also do not endorse any opinions that may be expressed on the site. You agree that any reliance you have on information posted on the site will be at your own risk.You acknowledge that any and all communications with our site are public, and therefore others may read your material at liberty and without your knowledge. 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These sites are:Braingle.com - User submitted and ranked jokes.PuzzleSolver.com - Solutions to many popular puzzles.DuckRocket.com - Easy, Fast EmailGeoSnapper.com - Enables users to upload and distribute accurately geo-referenced digital photographs.", -"By using this site you agree to defend, indemnify, and hold harmless the web site, its officers, directors, employees and agents, from any claims, actions or demands, including without limitation reasonable legal and accounting fees, alleging or resulting from your use of the material or your breach of the terms of this agreement. 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User's may choose to become a registered user, in which case they may choose to reveal information about themselves such as their email address. This information will never be shared or sold. Users may remove themselves and their information from the web site's database by contacting us. This website and the advertisers on this website conform to the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act", -"A cookie is a piece of data stored on the user's hard drive. This site uses cookies to maintain state between pages on this site. The user may remove these cookies at any time by logging out of the web site.Advertisers on this site may use cookies. However, we have no access to or control over these cookies. The ads on this website are provided by Burstmedia. You may read their Privacy Policy.", -"We use IP addresses and browser type to analyze trends and administer the site. We do not do reverse DNS lookups, so IP addresses are not linked to personally identifiable information.", -We may share aggregated information with our partners and advertisers. This is not linked to any personally identifiable information., -This web site contains links to other sites. Please be aware that we are not responsible for the privacy practices of such other sites. We encourage our users to be aware when they leave our site and to read the privacy statements of each and every web site that collects personally identifiable information. This privacy statement applies solely to information collected by this Web site., -"From time-to-time our site requests information from users via surveys. Participation in these surveys or contests is completely voluntary and the user therefore has a choice whether or not to disclose this information. Information requested may include contact information , and demographic information . Survey information will be used for purposes of monitoring or improving the use and satisfaction of this site.", -"This website takes every precaution to protect our users' information. When users submit sensitive information via the website, your information is protected both online and off-line. If you have any questions about the security at our website, you can contact us.", -"If we decide to change our privacy policy, we will post those changes on this page so our users are always aware of what information we collect, how we use it, and under what circumstances, if any, we disclose it. We will always use information in accordance with the privacy policy under which the information was collected.", -"We rated with RSAC i, TM Safe Surf Rated.", -"Why does jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it gels the scent virtually disappears?Can a unborn baby fart or burp?If a baseball player hits a home run over the fence, but then dies before he can run around the bases, does the home run count?If a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a major illness worse than a general illness?Why don't they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn't it be better than root beer floats?Why is there never a full English dinner or tea but there is always a full English breakfast?What is the point in saying may I ask and then follow it up with a question?Is it possible to be allergic to water?When an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court do they have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don't believe in God?Why do cats like to dig their paws into something before they lay down on it?If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it?Why is there a little countdown near the bottom of the copyright info page in the beginning of many books?Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?Isn't it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play with fire, but on Independence Day they hand you a package of explosives, a lighter, and say have fun?Are tomatoes fruits or vegetables?How come lotion is colored, but when you put it on, it doesn't turn your skin that color?Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?Are there pink lemons that make pink lemonade?Why do we say heads up when we actually duck?What's a question with no answer called?How do do not walk on grass signs get there?When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?What was Captain Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the criminal they are playing?Do bald people get dandruff?Why doesn't baking soda freeze?What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for one of you wishes?If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would they taste chocolaty?If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died would someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?Can a person with no ears wear glasses?Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted, ever get arrested ?Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep peeing, or stop?How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes?Can you still say, Put it where the sun don't shine, on a nude beach?Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?Why do bullies always ask, What's your problem? when they're obviously not going to solve it?Do stairs go up or down?When people say, I'm so tired it's not even funny, or my head hurts so much it's not even funny, why would it even be funny in the first place?Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change their name to Knockers?If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?Can you make a candle out of your earwax?When French people swear do they say pardon my English?Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?Cute as a button. Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?Are marbles made of marble?Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out?Who was the first person to say, See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt?Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?Can you get cornered in a round room?Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but it's ok to use a handicapped toilet?In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?Why is it that if something says, do not eat on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?Can mute people burp?What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?Do they have girl's bathrooms in gay bars?Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?Why do you go back and forth to town if you really must go forth before you go back?Why does shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?Why can't you get a tan on your palms?If you're sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?Why do dogs sniff other dog's bottoms to say hello, why don't they just bark in their face or something?Why do companies offer you free gifts? Since when has a gift NOT been free?If something goes without saying, why do people still say it?You know the expression, Don't quit your day job? Well, what do you say to people that work nights?", -My friend told me these songs about Barney. I hope you like them.I hate youYou hate meWe're a violent familyWith a great big gun and a bang from me to youWon't you say you hate me too.Joy to the worldBarney's deadI barbequed his headWhat happened to his bodyI flushed it down the pottyAnd around and around it goesAnd around and around itAnd around and around around around it goes, -Yo mamas so dumb she put a quarter in a parking meter and said Hey! Wheres my gumball?., -Q.What did one sheep call the other sheep who stole his food?A. a ba-a-astard, -You might be a redneck if your baby stroller consists of a potato sack and a wheelbarrow., -"Yo mama's so scary, she killed Freddy Krouger in his own dreams.", -"Yo mama is so stupid, when I told her to turn on the tv, she started stripping.", -What disease frightens ghosts the most? BoOoOo-bonic Plague What's the difference between girl ghosts and boy ghosts?BoOoOo-bies, -"There once was an American Indian whose given name was OneStone. He was so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him OneStone. After years and years of torment, OneStone finally cracked and said, If anyone calls me OneStone again, I will kill them! Word quickly spread and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named BlueBird forgot and said, Good morning, OneStone. He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. Then he made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. Word got around that OneStone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named YellowBird returned to the village after being away for many years. YellowBird, who was BlueBird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw OneStone. She hugged him and said, Good to see you, OneStone. OneStone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, and made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, and made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird just wouldn't die! The Moral of this story:You can't kill two Birds with OneStone.", -Q Why did Pepsi hire Michael Jackson to do commercials again?A Because they wanted someone to suck that little boy back out of the bottle., -"1. Only raise your hand when you want to sharpen your pencil or go to the bathroom. Repeat every ten minutes.2. Never raise your hand when you want to answer a question; instead, yell, Ooooh! Oooh! Oooh! and then, when the teacher calls on you, say, I forgot what I was going to say.3. Lean your chair back, take off your shoes, and put your feet up on your desk. Act surprised when the teacher puts all four legs of your chair back on the floor.4. Drop the eraser end of your pencil on your desk. See how high it will bounce.5. Drop your books on the floor. See how loud a noise you can make.6. Hum. Get all your friends to join in.7. Hold your nose, make a face, and say, P.U.! Fan the air away from your face and point to the kid in the front of you.8. On the last day of school, lead your classmates in chanting:No more pencils!No more books!No more teachers'dirty looks!9. Then on your way out the door, tell the teacher, Bet you're looking forward to summer vacation this year. But I'll sure miss you. You're the best teacher I've ever had!", -Q. Why do women fake orgasms?A. Because they think men care!, -"Knock, knockWho's there?Did you ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?Did you ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?Nevermind, it's pointless.", -"At a recent PETA meeting, some members were discussing people they had seen wearing fur coats. Joan, a redhead, said, Yesterday I saw a man wearing a fur coat and I wanted to yell at him about the cruelness of that coat! Jack, a brown haired man, said, I saw a woman wearing a fur coat three days ago and I almost launched into a lecture about animal treatment! If only people wouldn't do such things. Jan, a blond, said, You wouldn't believe what I saw on my way here! A girl, dressed in fur from head to foot! It was unbelievable! I would've talked to her about cruelty to animals, but I was in the car. You wouldn't guess what she looked like. What? Joan and Jack said in unison. Jan said, A golden retriever!", -"Have you seen the lottery tickets from India?If the spot on your ticket matches the spot on your forehead, you win a 7-11 store.", -"A customer arrived to have a massage from among the fifteen or so blind masseurs. She came with a side-kick who brought along her things from the office. Approaching the line of masseurs waiting for customers,Lady - in a voice quite loud as to be overheard They are good masseurs these blind people, huh? Sidekick - Yes, ma'amLady - But I heard that the blind who are nearly deaf are the best because they can concentrate more on what they are doing.Just then a masseur interjected - Excuse me, ma'am your voice sounds familiar - Do I know you?Lady - No, I don't think so, then excitedly louder, It is my first time to come here!Masseur - You are correct, ma'am. My name is Homer! How nice of you to remember!The lady signalled a thumbs up to her side-kick. Then said I'll have my massage here!", -Q What kind of soup do gay Chinese men like?A Cream of sum yun guy, -The only thing truly free of charge is a dead battery., -"Yo momma's credit is so bad,,,The bank wants the their calendar back", -"A cowboy has lived to an extremely old age, and one day his grandson asked him to what he attributes his long life.Well, you know that every morning, I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, says the old timer. His grandson nods. Before I eat it, I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it, every day, The ancient cowpoke adds. The grandson decides to follow his grandfather's breakfast regimen, and each morning of his life, he has oatmeal with gunpowder sprinkled on it. Sure enough, the grandson lives to the ripe old age of 97, and when he died, he left seven children, twenty one grandchildren, eighteen great-grandchildren, and a fifteen foot hole in the side of the crematorium.", -"A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle? If that ever happens, just pull the plug.His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.", -"A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.His wife glares at him and says, Who was that?!Oh, replies the husband, she's my mistress.Well that's the last straw, exclaims the wife.I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable.I can understand that, replies her husband, but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours.Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.Who's that with Jim? asks the wife.That's his mistress, says her husband.She replies, Ours is prettier.", -What can a picnic table do that a musician can't do?Support a family of six!, -"The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. Now do you understand? he asked. I think so, she said, is that when mommy came to work for us?", -"A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army. But wait a minute, said the listener, She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she? Sure, replied the man. Well? Won't they find out? And who's gonna tell?", -"If Jack helped you off your horse, later would you return the favor and help Jack off his horse?", -"DOS BeerRequires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.----------------------------------------------------------- Mac BeerAt first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a light beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that you don't need to know. A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.----------------------------------------------------------- Windows 3.1 BeerOnce considered the world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.----------------------------------------------------------- OS/2 BeerComes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold. -----------------------------------------------------------Windows 95 BeerThe can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.----------------------------------------------------------- Windows NT BeerComes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an industrial strength beer, and suggested only for use in bars.----------------------------------------------------------- Windows 98 BeerMillions sampled Windows95 beer and noticed that it was often flat, right out of the can. The manufacturer of Windows95 beer decided to re-release it as Windows98 beer and guarantee it's freshness. Most consumers are skeptical of the manufacturer's claims, and will continue to drink flat Windows95 beer because they have acquired the taste for it.----------------------------------------------------------- Windows 2000 BeerThe manufacturer of the Windows line of beers says this will be the beer, if they can just finish playing with the ingredients. This beer will have many ingredients of Windows 95/98 and NT beers. Many drinkers in the future will be forced to drink this when they get thirsty since they won't be able to find Windows 95 or 98 or NT beer on the shelves. According to manufacturer it's combines the greatest taste ever with almost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warning and take out half the refrigerator with them.----------------------------------------------------------- Unix BeerComes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.----------------------------------------------------------- Linux BeerLINUX beer tastes just like Unix beer. Like Unix beer, Linux beer is intended for expert beer drinkers only. It originally had no pop tops or cans because you had to brew it yourself. First you would get a recipe and some yeast from a Unix guru. Then go plow a field, plant your barley and hops. After harvest you would take your Kernels and put them into a barrel full of water, then you just add your yeast close the lid, and let your beer compile. After all this you have what experts claim to be one of the Worlds Best Beers. Linux beers do not normally explode but many brewers have been known to. Linux beer is now available from some Micro Brewerys in handy pop top versions for easy drinking by beginner Unix or Linux beer drinkers. Keep your can openers handy.----------------------------------------------------------- AmigaDOS BeerThe company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.----------------------------------------------------------- VMS BeerRequires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.-----------------------------------------------------------Windows xp beerA beer that can be enjoyed at home or at the office. Like tequila however, many cans are prone to have a fat, juicy worm inside. This brew is also highly susceptible to theft. If this occurs, there is no limit to how much damage can be inflicted. If that weren't enough, u can forget about refrigerating this drink, since that won't stop the hordes of viruses it will accumulate.", -"You want me to write a joke!?!? The world is being attacked by aliens! AWWWWW! A warning; they have huge, hairy jaws and beady little eyes and long mangy hair and a huge nose and foul breath and and... oops. That's just you.", -"An 80 year old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local country club. He went to the club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't anybody he could play because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps. And he did play well. Coming to the par four - 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps? I do, replied the old man.Please give me a hand.", -"A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... WOW, the social worker exclaims, Are they ALL YOURS??? Yep they are all mine, the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.Well, says the social worker, then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.This one's my oldest - he is Leroy. OK, and who's this one? Well, this one he is Leroy, also. The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!All right... says the caseworker, I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy? Their Momma replied, Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I just yell 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come a runnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch? Ah, that's so easy, said the momma. Then I call them by their last names.", -"The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'.Sally raised her hand. She said, My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.The teacher said, Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'.Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.Johnny said, My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.", -"If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is Naive? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?", -"1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter16. War Dims Hope for Peace17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space 22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead", -What was the elephant doing on the highway?About 5 mph, -Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?He was caught buttering up his teacher, -"Yo mama is so fat, when she put on a red sweater and went outside all the kids said Kool-aid man!", -"A girl walks into a bar and sits down with her friend.She is feeling down, so she talks to her friend. Her friend says Go get a beer. She says she didn't want one. Then the friend says Hey, who said it was for you?copyright fox corp.", -"Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like your dad.", -"Ryan's teeth were so yellow that when he walked outside, the sun said give me my butter.", -"Yo momma was so fat that when she went to do her daily running, her body was moving but she wasn't.", -"Yo momma's so old, I slapped her back and her tits fell off.", -"Your momma's so fat, she uses a matress as a tampon.", -"Do they put underwear on corpses?Why do people say The alarm just went off when really it just came on? If a vampire were Jewish would his Sabbath start at sunrise?Why do child labor laws not prohibit children from acting in movies?If your eyes are crossed, do your tears fall straight?If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?Is the vice president's wife called the second lady?Do you wake up or open your eyes first? Can you zone out and be in the zone at the same time? If French kissing is a big thing in America, how do French people react to normal American kissing? Why is it called a soap opera when nobody sings?", -"Have I ever told you about my uncle Jeffy? Well, as a kid my uncle Jeffy lost all of his hair, and everyone thought he was sick, so he went to a doctor. The doctor told him Jeffy, you are not sick. He was right because, later in life, Jeffy was in school and walked through a wall! It turned out Jeffy had magical powers! He then got a pet dragon and learned how to fly.We go visit Uncle Jeffy at the Mental Institution every 1st of the month.", -"A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands. A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away, the boy said. He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands. A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away. He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands. A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away. He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands. A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away. Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, Open your hands! Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him.", -"Sometimes, I get so sleepy that I fall asleep at my keyboa-----hogasvfbhjhfaokL;'GRUHIKMUIHGDFJSJIKkljhvLD ;YWEHKJF,HCsssljga lrsaio.ra;ugsrol,.k,ijhekng0ljr", -"There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman! The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!", -"By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks. 1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. 2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. 3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. Big diskettes may be folded and used in little disk drives. 4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. 5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes. 6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a hung or hooked state. If your system is hooking you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot. 7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data. 8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. 9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. 10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope. 11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.", -"The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a Contract for returning the books on time. Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the Librarian, giving her his name as he did so. The Librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, That other Librarian we had could write.", -"Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard. One of the men walked into the office and said, We need some four-by-twos. The clerk asked, You mean two-by-fours, don't you? The man said, I'll go check, and went back to the truck. He returned shortly and said, Yeah, I meant two-by-four. All right. How long do you need them? The customer paused for a moment and said, I'd better go check. After a while, he returned to the office and said, - A long time. We're gonna build a house...", -"A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, How will I recognize him? That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment.So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. A female horth. So he shows him a prized filly. Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf? The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.Nith mouf, can I thee her twat?Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.Perhapth I should rephrathe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?", -"An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear. Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. Now you must do the same, he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. Second, the professor continued, you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?", -"HORSE RACE Line up:In lane 1. Passionate LadyIn lane 2. Bare BellyIn lane 3. Silk PantiesIn lane 4. ConscienceIn lane 5. Jockey ShortsIn lane 6. Clean SheetsIn lane 7. ThighsIn lane 8. Big DickIn lane 9. Heavy BosomIn lane 10. Merry CherryAND THEY'RE OFF!!!Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is knocking on the door.AT THE HALFWAY MARK:It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is moving in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.AT THE STRETCH:Merry Cherry pops under the strain. Bare Belly is making a final push. Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.AT THE FINISH:It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head...Bare Belly shows...Thighs weakens...Heavy Bosom pulls up..And Clean Sheets never had a chance.", -"When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....", -"The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.", -"I was traveling back to my hometown and, responding to Mother Nature, decided to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I went into the washroom. The first stall was taken, so I went into the second stall. I had just sat down when I heard a voice from the other stall. Hi there, how is it going? I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers while sitting on the john in restrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to do, but finally I said, Not bad. Then the voice said, So, what are you doing? At this point, I was starting to find the situation a bit weird, but I said, Well, I'm headed back east. Then I heard the person, all flustered, say, Look, I'll call you back. Every time I ask you a question, the idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!", -"The manager of a large office noticed one of his department heads had hired a new man, so the boss called him into his office for a little orientation speech. What is your name? he asked. John, the new guy replied. The manager scowled, Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name? The new guy sighed and said, Darling. John Darling. Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...", -"When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, How will we keep from getting separated? We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other, I reassured him. Yeah, but what if we DO get separated? he persisted. Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again, I quipped. Okay, he said. I'm riding with Mom.", -"The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.Was it my friend Sam? he demanded.No! his weeping wife replied.Was it my friend Jim then? he asked.NO! she said even more upset.Well, which one of my no-good friends did this then? he asked.Don't you think I have any friends of my own? she snapped.", -"A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. That's impossible, said the tourist. No one could throw a coin that far! You have to remember, answered the guide. A dollar went a lot farther in those days.", -"John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. I'll be ready in a few minutes, she said. Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through. The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out. Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen? To tell the truth, he replied, Spot seemed a little depressed to me!", -"A man's life is difficult to understand,when born he struggles to get out of thevagina and then tries the rest of his lifeto get in!!!", -"One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. I'll grant you your fondest wish, the genie said. The man thought for a moment, then said, I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try. Poof! said the genie. You're a housewife.", -"A man is lost in the desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling Mush! Mush! Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- Mush! Mush! Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo in a fur coat driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, He-elp! The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost! The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, You think YOU'RE lost!", -"There's this couple and they've just been married. The man says to the wife, I'm goin' hunting. She says, Oh, no, your not, we are married now. The husband says to himself, I've got to figure out a way to go hunting. So he goes out and buys his wife all this hunting equipment and gives it to his wife, so they can go hunting together. They finally go one weekend and the hunter puts his wife in the deer-stand and says, Only shoot when you see a deer. She replies, OK. So the hunter goes off to his stand and is hoping that the wife doesn't accidentally shoot herself. Suddenly, he hears a gun shot and quickly runs to find his wife. He looks up in the deer stand and does not see her, so he looks around and sees his wife poised and waiting to shoot this poor man who is scared out of his mind. The hunter says, Honey, what are you doing? The man says, Look mister, if she says it is her deer then it is, just let me take my saddle off of it first.", -"I'd like the number for Christine Smith in Richmond, Virginia, the young man said to the 411 operator. There are multiple listings for Christine Smith in Richmond, Virginia, the operator said. Do you have a street name? The young man hesitated a moment, Well, uh, most people call me Snake.", -"It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage , he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe. Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is. .....Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss. That's not why it's there. .....Ok, I give up. Why is it there? It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.", -"A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, who's lucky number is 5 receives a phone call from a friend. The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5 to win. Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.", -"An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. Yes, Nurse Tracy, said Mr. Goldstein, My private part died today, and I am very sad. Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences. The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. Mr. Goldstein, she said, you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas. But, Nurse Tracy, replied Mr. Goldstein, I told you yesterday that my private part died. Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas? asked Nurse Tracy. Well, he replied. Today's the viewing.", -"A really drunk guy is walking home from the bar and sees a pumpkin patch on the side of the road. He thinks how nice and squishy they must be on the inside, and decides to have a little fun with a pumpkin. He finds a big one, cuts a hole in it, and starts going at it. It must have been getting pretty good because he didn't even notice that a cop car had pulled up, and that an officer was walking right towards him. The cop says Hey buddy.... Do you know you're screwing a pumpkin? to which the guy responds, A pumpkin?!? It's midnight already???", -"1. A mandatory evacuation means just that - get the hell out. Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see the argument. They said get out; if you didn't, it's your fault, not theirs. 2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not the governments fault you're starving. 2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some. 2b. If the local store is too looted of food or water, leave your neighbor's tv and stereo alone. They worked hard to get their stuff. Just because they were smart enough to leave during a mandatory evacuation, doesn't give you the right to take their stuff; it's theirs, not yours. 3. If someone comes in to help you, don't shoot at them and then complain no one is helping you. I'm not getting shot to help save some dumbass who didn't leave when told to do so. 4. If you are in your house that is completely under water, your belongings are probably too far gone for anyone to want them. If someone does want them, let them have them and hopefully they'll die in the filth. Just leave! 5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 million dollar house, a sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money shouldn't go to rebuild a city that is under sea level. You wouldn't build your house on quicksand, would you? You want to live below sea-level, do your country some good and join the Navy. 6. Regardless what the Poverty Pimps, Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton, want you to believe, The US Government didn't create the hurricane as a way to eradicate the black people of New Orleans; . The US Government didn't cause global warming that caused the hurricane . 7. The government isn't responsible for giving you anything. This is the land of the free and the home of the brave, but you gotta work for what you want. McDonalds and Walmart are always hiring, get a damn job and stop spooning off the people who are actually working for a living.", -"1. There is no I in teamwork. But there is in management kiss-up. 2. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 4. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. 5. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition. 6. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who oppose them. 7. Your job is STILL better than asking, You want fries with that? 8. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 9. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. 10. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 11. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free. 12. Plagiarism saves time.", -Yo momma is so fat she used the Grand Canyon as her sidewalk., -"Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago. The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half. I asked him about this. He then told me well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!", -"One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.Finally, after he had bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!Don't worry, said the auctioneer, he can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?", -"A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?' she asked. Well, no, answered the puzzled homeowner. But I have a wife and eleven children. Is that a record? the caller inquired, puzzled in her turn. I don't think so, replied the man, but it's as close as I want to get.", -"Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!", -"1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. 8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. 10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. 11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa. 12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. 13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. 14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made. 15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. 16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. 18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. 19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment. 21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. 22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. 23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. 24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago. 25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.", -"The priest was instructing a class of third- graders at All Saints grammar school. There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell. But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer. Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas? Herman raised his hand and said, Easy. One of them got caught.", -"Dear Husband:I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-WifeDear Ex-WifeNothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was, You look just like a man! My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me thatmorning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out, so when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. Signed Rich As Hell and Free!", -"1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour not fit to drink.16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.", -Yo momma ain't got no hands.And yo dad ain't got no eyes.Yo momma said i'm goona slap the shit out of you.And yo daddy said i'd like to see that., -"Short naps prevent aging, especially if taken while driving.", -"Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down. I leave the number of the room next to me. It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell, Why are you calling me? Then I get up and take a shower. It's great.", -What are three two letter words for small?Is It In?, -"An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. Pop, what are you talking about? the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, the old man says. We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her, and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it, she shouts, I'll take care of this. She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving...now what do we tell them for Christmas?", -"A taxpayer received a strongly worded second notice that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. Oh, confided the collector with a smile, we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.", -"When you marry, your spouse's family become in-laws. So, when you divorce, does that make them outlaws?", -"A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. Professionally employed? he asked. We're a military family, the wife answered. Children? Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve, she answered proudly. Animals? Oh, no, she said earnestly. They're very well behaved.", -"This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan. So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck. He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, Well, I made that one, didn't I? Sure did, the bystander said. But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock.", -"Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's getting a little up there. She's at the age where she doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said, Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!", -"So, how did you do? the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road. All I got were two orders. What were they? Anything good? Nope, the salesman replied. They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!", -"A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts. The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart. Three bulls eyes!!! All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize. Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize. The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the drunk, Say, what did you win the last time? And the drunk responds, A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!", -"A juggler who was driving to his next performance was stopped by the police. What are those knives doing in your car? asked the officer. I juggle them in my act. Oh yeah? says the cop. Let's see you do it. So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!", -"A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, Do these turkeys get any bigger? The stock boy replied, No ma'am, they're dead.", -"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.", -"Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. I operated on Mr. Lee the other day, said the surgeon. What for? asked his colleague. About $17,000. What did he have? Oh... About $17,000.", -"The door bell rings, and a man answers it. Here stands Little Johnny, dressed well but plainly, who says, Trick or Treat! The man asks Johnny what he's dressed up like that for at Halloween. Little Johnny says, I'm an IRS agent; then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.", -"A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny and Billy holding a list. Lady, Johnny explained, we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar. Wow, the woman replied. Who sent you on such a challenging hunt? Our baby-sitter's boyfriend.", -"A nun walks into a liquor store and asks to buy a fifth of whiskey. She says it's for Mother Superior's constipation, so the owner says ok. She buys the booze and leaves. Two hours later, the owner closes store and walks through the park on his way home. As he's walking, he spots the same nun sitting on a park bench, roaring drunk. Shame on you, Sister, he says, I thought that whiskey was for Mother Superior's constipation. It is, she slurrs. When she sees me, she'll crap!", -"While on the obstacle course in bootcamp, we had to lay on a rope and pull ourselves along.When I got to the other end and got my feet on the ground I asked my M/CPL if I could do that again.When he asked me why, I retorted with, Well I have a groove down my left nut, I would like to put a groove down my right nut so they would match up again.", -"A soldier's letter home:Dear Mom, I can't tell you where i am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear.Two weeks later, another letter home:Dear Mom, I can't tell you where I am, but yesterday i danced with a hula girl.Two weeks later another letter home:Dear Mom, I still can't tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the hula girl.", -"Yo Mama's so fat, she doesn't need the Internet - she's already world wide.", -"Redneck Christmas Shopping You know you're a redneck when... you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.", -"A blond employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars, she says. Those asterisks are to protect you, the Help Desk technician explains, so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password. Yeah, she says, but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me!", -"A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, Granddaughter? Are you there? The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, Grandmother? Is that you? Yes granddaughter, it's me. It's really, really you, grandmother? the woman repeats. Yes, it's really me, granddaughter. The woman looks puzzled, You're sure it's you, grandmother? Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me. The woman pauses a moment, Grandmother, I have just one question for you. Anything, my child. Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?", -"At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office. It has not escaped my attention, he pointed out, that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor. You know, you're right, sir, exclaimed Fisk. I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?", -"Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. I need someone with an accounting degree, the man said. But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me. Excuse me? the accountant said. I worry about a lot of things, the man said. But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back. I see, the accountant said. And how much does the job pay? I'll start you at eighty thousand. Eighty thousand dollars! the accountant exclaimed. How can such a small business afford a sum like that? That, the owner said, is your first worry.", -"The day after Halloween, Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th candybar one man on the bench across from him said, Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat. Little Johnny replied, My grandfather lived to be 107 years old. The man asked, Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time? Little Johnny answered, No, he but he knew how to mind his own business!", -"A minister had just finished an excellent fried chicken dinner at the home of a congregation member when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard. That's certainly a proud-looking rooster, the minister commented. Yes, sir, replied the farmer. He has reason to be proud-- one of his sons just entered the ministry.", -"You know your joke is bad when....- All the comments rated -2 or less are the ones that say they actually like it.- There AREN'T any comments at all.- People ask if you are boring in real life.- It was so not funny, that it was actually funny.And last but not least- There are absolutly NO duplicates of your joke because it was so bad.", -"Grade inflation, where assigned grades creep higher and higher, is a concern for teachers. What's the logical limit of grade inflation? F - Student appears to be a multicellular organism. D - Student has mastered many autonomic bodily functions. C - Student can operate a writing instrument without harming self or others. B - Student is able to form a complete sentence, on the second or third try. A - Student has marginal to excellent understanding of the course material.", -"Do you have feelings of inadequacy?Do you suffer from shyness?Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila. Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila. Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister. Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.", -"A Girl went up to her mother and asked,Mum, is Amsterdam a swear word?No, why? She asked.Is Rotterdam a swear word? she asked.No, why? her mother repeated.Well, I heard little sister talking behind my back after I showed her my lollipop, and she said 'I hope that that lollipop rot her damn teeth!'", -"A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. Our flag symbolizes our taxes, he said. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them. That's the same with us, the American said, only we see stars, too.", -"Hey, Mom, asked Johnny Can you give me twenty dollars? Certainly not. If you do, he went on, I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop. His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. Well? What did he say? He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'", -"A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will. At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, This needs an heircut.", -"Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big, high-class casino. At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.", -"Yo Momma so fat, when she walked into a store the beeper went of twice", -"A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you! The old rancher replied, Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.", -Knock KnockWho's there?DorisDoris who?Door is shut thats why i knocked!, -"A guy's car breaks down in the middle of town, and he looks for a hotel to stay in while he waits for his car to be fixed. He finds a very small hotel and walks in.He asks the man at the counter, Do you have any rooms available?The man at the counter says, Yeah, but don't stick your dick in the 3 holes.OK. The guy agrees and walks to his room. A couple of days go by and his car is still in the shop. He gets curious and sticks his dick in the first hole. He says, Ahh,that feels good! Then he sticks his dick in the second hole, Ahh,that feels even better! Then he sticks his dick in the third hole, OUCH!!My dick!!He quickly pulled his dick out and it was all bloody. He was very confused, but he went to sleep. The next day he went to the counter to see what was in the holes, but before he could ask anything the man at the counter said, You stuck your dick in the three holes didn't you?He said, Yeah, how did you know? The man at the counter said, Well, my wife is pregnant, my daughter is pregnant, and my pencil sharpener is broken.", -"While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 73 year-old Texas rancher, whose hand had been caught in a gate while working cattle, a doctor and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House. The old Texan said, Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle.' Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old man said, When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor, stupid bastard get down.", -"A guy goes to his doctor and says,Doc, I have a problem.My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all.The doctor says, You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out.The man says, You have a deal Doc.Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.The doctor asks, What happened?The man answered, Nobody showed up!", -"The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two. Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.", -"The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered through the rear of the church. One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and with drew automatic weapons. The one in the middle announced, Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats! Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the chorus. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the chorus director and the assistant pastor. After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit. The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.", -Some times when the soap bar in the shower is small enough I like to swipe it thru my butt crack and say beep! credit card accepted, -"Amy was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. Listen to this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season tickets. Hmmm, her husband said, not bothering to look away from the game. Amy said teasingly, Would you swap me for season tickets? Absolutely not, he said, season's more than half over.", -The landlady asked me if I minded making my own bed. I said I didn't and she said great there's a hammer and nails in the corner., -"My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs. She nudged me and whispered, Wake up, wake up! What's the matter? I asked. There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight. That'll teach them! I replied.", -"The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, It's a miracle! Not really, said the cow. Your name is written inside the cover.", -Why didn't the brakes want to work?Because it was time for their lunch break., -"Friendships between women:A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.Friendships between men:A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.", -"Upon realizing that we both had the same middle name, I told the blond, Hey we have the same middle name!She replied, Really? What's yours?", -"Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we called the customer support phone number we found in the manual. I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him. He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more. Sir, I said politely, Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child? Okay, the computer support guy said, Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?", -"Last summer, my husband, Bill, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore. One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. Bill tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees , direction of the sun . Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. Bill pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp. That was terrific, I said. How did you do it? Simple, he replied. In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south.", -"I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas' chaotic traffic. I asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly and was told, In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here we drive in the shade.", -"My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking a 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswind. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits? The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered, We take the rocks out of our pockets.", -"A mom, Bri, and a son, Jorge, were eating dinner at the dinner table. Jorge pushes his plate away and says, I'm done.Bri glances at Jorge's plate and notices he still has a pile of peas on it, No you don't. Not untill you eat all of your food.I don't like peas.They are not peas they are green MM's but the trick is you can't taste the candy untill you swallow them.Jorge gets excited and sticks a spoon full of peas in his mouth. Then he grabs his glass of milk and takes a drink.Jorge says, your right mom they do taste like MM's. Why don't you try?Who do you think you're kidding?, replies Bri and gives Jorge a sly look.Who do YOU think you're kidding?, Jorge says grabbing his glass of milk and pouring the peas out of it onto his plate.", -"Yo momma's so fat, when she walks she creates hurricanes.", -"A guy goes to a fancy French restaurant. He's feeling adventurous, so he decides to order the squid. He is told that they are kept alive in a small aquarium in the restaurant, so that they are really fresh. As he's ordered squid, he can choose which squid he would like to eat!He goes over to the aquarium and sees the squid swimming around. There's one squid that looks really sick - it's gone a strange shade of green, and even has strange fuzz growing around it's mouth. The guy is kind of grossed out, but he thinks - this poor squid - it looks really miserable, and no-one's going to choose it! Maybe I should put it out of its misery. So he asks the head chef - Gervaise - to cook up the little runt. Gervaise is surprised, but dips his hand in and grabs the squid.Gervaise takes it into the kitchen, but as he's preparing to bring his cleaver down on the squid, it just looks so pathetic - twitching around. He can't do it. But still, the customer needs his squid! So he asks his Austrian kitchen assistant - Hans - to do the deed for him.But Hans can't do it either! The squid is just so pathetic and helpless.Which just goes to show...Hans that do dishes can be as soft as Gervaise with vile, green, hairy-lipped squid.", -Why did the melon jump into the water?Because it wanted to be a watermelon!, -"Here is the difference between guts and balls.Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to just be there.Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, You're next.", -Why did the penny jump off the cliff and not the quarter?Because the quarter had more cents!, -"Dear Santa,You must be suprised that I'm writing to you on the 26th of December. I would like you to remember that I asked for a pair of rollar blades, a bicycle, an electric train, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying this whole year. Not only was I the first class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, but there was nobody in my neighborhood who behaved better than me including to my parents, my brothers and sisters, my neighbors, and my friends. I would even help the elderly across the street and go on errands. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What ball you have leaving me a fuckin yoyo, a lame whistle, and a pair of ugly socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat ugly prick, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fuckin year to come out lile this with shit under the tree. As if u hadn't fucked me enough you gave that little quiff across the street so many toys he can't even walk into his house. Don't let me see you trying to get your fat ass down the chimney next year. I'll throw rocks at the stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the North Pole, just like I had to do because you didn't get me a fuckin bike. FUCK U SANTA.Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, YOU FAT COCKSUCKER Sincerely, Little Johnny", -"If Six is afraid of Seven because Seven ate Nine, why did Six soon die?Because Six, Seven ate ", -"This is a true story: A man was in a grocery store shopping, when he lit a cigarette. The manager walks up to him and politely asks him to extinguish it. The man refuses, saying Well you sell cigarettes here, dont you? The store manager replies Yes sir we do, and we also sell condoms. The man quickly put the cigarette out.", -"A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor? The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight.", -"A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom. He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty. The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. But how? inquired the lawyer. You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door. The jury foreman replied, Oh, we all looked, but your client didn't.", -Is that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them., -Here are some cute things kids thought up when asked to write about the moon The moon is a saterlight.A long time ago a big object hit the Moon and some of the moon fell off.If u look through a telliscope you can see big holes.There are big montines on the moon just like on Earth - they are some of the left-overs of the Moon in big lumpsNeil Armstrong was the first person to step on the Moon. He had weights in his boots so he wouldn't fall off., -What do starving Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common? They are both living off dead Beatles., -"It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, Happy Butt. The teacher said, Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out. So she went to the principal's office and he asked, What's your name? And the little girl said, Happy Butt. The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt. The girl then exclaimed, Glad Ass, Happy Butt what's the difference?", -"By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. ''You've got to have a room somewhere,'' he pleaded. ''Or just a bed, I don't care where.'' ''Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,'' admitted the manager, ''and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.'' ''No problem,'' the tired Marine assured him. ''I'll take it.'' The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. ''How'd you sleep?'' asked the manager. ''Never better.'' The manager was impressed. ''No problem with the other guy snoring, then?'' ''Nope, I shut him up in no time,'' said the Marine. ''How'd you manage that?'' asked the manager. ''He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,'' the Marine explained. ''I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.''", -What do you call a mouth without any teeth?- Grandma, -"If men and women had buttons, a man's button panel would look like...A vacuum - On and Off switchA woman's panel would look like...An airplane. So many buttons...ahhh...where's the mute?!!!", -Did you hear Bill Clinton gave up playing his sax-a-phone? He now plays his whore-monica., -Why does Clinton wants a postage stamp issued in his image? So he gets licked more often., -Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours? Clinton was showing her the proper way to take dictation., -What's the new name for the place where Bill Clinton does his business? The Oral Office., -What does Monica Lewinsky have on her resume? Sat on the Presidential Staff, -Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study? He wants to show them his executive branch., -How does Clinton divert his attention from the latest controversy? He just keeps on plugging away., -Q. What goes clop... clop... clop... BANG! clop clop clop clop clop clop?A. An Amish driveby, -"Why is a blond, Blond?Isn't it obvious? They're dumb.", -"This joke's so old, it has mold on it! HA HA HA!", -"It's pretty bad if you start typing lol as if it were a sentence Its worse if you start saying, laugh out loud in everday conversations.It's absolutely horrible if you actually say, l-o-l.", -Not all lawyers are bad.I've seen some graveyards full of good ones!, -What is a kangaroo's favorite restaurant?IHOP!, -What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus., -"Q:After a runner reached the end of a long, gruelling marathon, officials were amazed to see him continue to run. Why did he do this?A:The man was let out of prison for the day to enter the marathon. He kept on running to avoid prison.", -"One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!", -"Two friends, Al and Mike, were walking through the woods, when suddenly a snake jumped up and bit Mike on the penis. He was quickly down on the ground writhing in pain, so Al yelled,Wait here while I run and get help! So Al runs into town, gets to the doctors office, and tells him what happened. The doctor tells him he cannot leave the office, but told Al he would need to bite open the wound and suck out all of the venom. Al runs back into the woods, and finds Mike still writhing in pain. What did the doctor say? asked Mike. And Al told him, The doctor says you're gonna die!", -"I hate thongs! I mean, come on, Women don't need to floss their butts.", -"War not determine who right, war determine who left.", -What is the name of a naked woman lying between two naked men?Sharin Peters, -"Knock-knockWho's there?StewStew who?Stew cold out here, let me in!", -"IF I LOST A DOLLAR FOR EVERY BRAIN YOU HAVE, I WOULD BE IN DEBT", -"Which animals eat with their ears? All of them, since no animal takes its ears off to eat!", -"1 Why did God create brunettes?So ugly men wouldn't feel left out2 Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?It doesn't show the dirt3 Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?It matches their mustache.4 What do brunettes miss most about a great party?The invitation.5 What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?Gay, married, or a hostage.", -here is a link to the jokehttp://miamistreetracing.com/forum/v...d.php?tid2385, -Yo Mamma is so fat she never wakes up on the wrong side of the bed; she wakes up on EVERY side of the bed!, -"The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.She called on him and said, Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?Little Johnny quickly replied, NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!", -"1 JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son.2 MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread. 3 HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men. Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again. 4 HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun. Then died of electric shock. 5 There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad........ She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car!!", -Found on Roadside DeadFucked Over Re-built Dodge, -"Yo Momma jokes are so stupid, I barf everytime I see one!", -What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets., -"Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, It was a mechanical engineer; just look at all the joints. Another said, No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. The last one said, Actually, it was a civil engineer. I mean, who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?", -"Normal people believe that If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet", -"A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw. A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species. In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty, says the judge. But I have to askwhat did the eagle taste like?Well, your honor, the hiker says, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.", -"After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star. Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?", -"Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about.1) Can you cry under water?2) How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?3) What disease did cured ham actually have?4) How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?5) Why is it that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up like every two hours?6) Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?7) Why is bra singular and panties plural?8) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?9) If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, then why is there a stupid song about him?10) If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?11) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?12) Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!13) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?14) Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?15) Why did you just try singing the two songs above?16) Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?", -"Why, Oh Why, Oh Why . . .Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when they know there is not enough?Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an S in the word lisp?If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, It's all right? Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, That hurt, you stupid idiot?Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?And the Number 1 - why . . .The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.", -"Old photographers never die, they just go out of focus!", -"You Know You're From Connecticut When... You have hiked up a big hill or small mountain at least once for a keg party. You never went to a bar in high school. You thought that the only highways were 91 and 84. You thought everyone couldn't buy beer after 8 pm You actually thought that Hartford was big You or someone you know has attended UCONN You drive a JETTA You still think that the Whalers are cool. You have been to Misquamicut and to that little hot dog place. There is a farm within miles of your house You thought bars were really for people over 21 Your high school thanksgiving football game was the highlight of your school year. You don't have an accent when you talk.You have known at least 2 preppy rich kids from Fairfield who listen to Phish.You love Hilton Kaderli and your mom cried when he retired. UConn basketball rules and no one can tell you different You have deer in your backyard. You didn't drink or do drugs until 10th grade. You still don't understand why people say that Connecticut is the richest state. Your best friend went to Central, Western, Eastern and finally Manchester Community College. Your mom works at Travelers and your dad works at Pratt and Whitney. You have been drunk at the Meadows and don't remember the concert. You go to Riverside at least once a summer.Your parents actually care about the Governor, the Patriots coming to Hartford, the lights at Christmas in Hartford Channel 3 news.You have a UCONN flag outside of your house year round.You think New Jersey was a toxic waste dump.You hang out at Denny's.You've partied at bonfires. You have at least one friend with a pickup.You think everyone works tobacco in the summer.You think Old Lyme is a shore town.You've been to Cape Cod.You think the Connecticut River is endless.The town diner is the only place open after midnight. You have at least 4 friends who drive Jeep Grand Cherokees.You root for all the New York sports teams.If anybody asks, you're from just outside of New York. You've never looked at a public bus schedule.You have both girlfriends and guyfriends with the same name as you.You go to the diner late night to post party. You think New Haven is the worst ghetto you've ever seen.You can proudly tell an outsider about Nutmeg. You weekend either on the Cape or Rhode Island at a summer home.You have said, I'm in a good location... Between both Boston and New York. You can carry on a conversation about Mike Liut, Torrie Robertson, and the Brass Bonanza.You have to explain Cow Tipping to people from out of state.When you go to a real city, you sincerely feel bad for every poor / homeless person you see.You get pissed at anyone who doesn't know how to drive in the snow.You can name all the members of the UCONN men's and women's basketball teams.You still can't find your way in Hartford You hold the door open for someone and they don't say Thank You. You own a golden or a lab You own real Oakley's.You only know Westbrook and Clinton because they have good outlets.You don't think you're a yuppie, but the rest of the country does.You only ski in Vermont or out West.Your mother is the head of the PTA.There is absolutely nothing to do in the winter.You live twenty minutes from either an Abercrombie Fitch, J. Crew, or GAP.You sail, or know someone who does. You don't understand why everyone else has not been to Europe.You can't get through the week with out a Coffee Coolata.Your family owns more cars than legal drivers.School attire is a North Face fleece jacket, a North Face Fleece or L.L. Bean back pack, a plaid shirt, khakis, and Doc Martens.Summer footwear is either Reefs or Birks.You carry your keys on a carabiner, but you don't know how to rock climb. You feel for the homeless, but are not willing to give up the golf course land to develop a homeless shelter. As a child you took horseback riding, golfing, tennis and swimming lessons. You grew up wanting to be a lifeguard.You own every DMB CD.The state is so small you know where all the speed traps are.You can't understand why people don't understand what your talking about when you refer to a package store.You went to prep school even though your public schools are awesome.People actually wear sweaters around their necks.You've never taken public transportation.You know of at least one person whose house was totally trashed after a huge party.Your mom drives a Volvo wagon.You have at least one friend whose house was built in the 1800's.You live in a huge colonial.You know at LEAST one person who has been pulled over and found to have weed in their car.The only overcrowding is of deer in your backyard.Your house would cost half as much in any other state.Your wardrobe contains at least three pairs of cords and five wool sweaters.Half of your friends are from another town because yours is so small.At least one of your friends has a sick house right on the water.You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Connecticut.", -"Yo Mamma so stupid, she wanted to go on a roller coaster and looked at the height, and she was too tall.", -Knock-knockGO AWAY!!! WE DON'T WANT ANY!!!, -"Don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a really pretty monkey.", -Why was everyone at the fancy King Crab Night Diner arrested?They were breaking the claw! So punny!, -What's the quickest way to a woman's heart?Through her left breast., -"What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush!", -Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got fine written all over you!!!, -What do a circus and congress have in common?They are both full of CLOWNS, -"Yo Momma so scary, she scares Michael Jackson!", -What's the best way to talk to a shark?Long distance!, -"Bill was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot. Carl replied, That's silver and it costs $100! My goodness, that sure is a lotta money! Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bill had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.From the back room Carl yelled, Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?Mary replied, No, but I will for the teapot.", -"A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.", -"One day, a depressed crocodile decides to see his doctor about his problems. He says, Doc, I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I don't feel like killing people anymore. I don't like attacking them, I don't like wrestling them in the water, and I definitely don't like eating them. The doctor goes over to his medicine cabinet, and pulls out several tiny blue pills. In amazement, the crocodile asks his doctor, Doc, are those what I think they are? The doctor replies, Yes, I'm prescribing you some Viagra. Frustrated, the crocodile tells his doctor, I'm not sure you understand -- have you been listening to a word I've said? The doctor replies, Of course I've been listening, you said you had a reptile dysfunction!", -"A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.Finally the wife asks, Do you know her?Yes, sighs the husband, She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.My God! says the wife, Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?", -Yo mama is so nasty she's got to pour sand down her pants to keep the crabs happy!, -"What did Dick Cheney say before he shot his hunting companion?Ready, Fire, Aim!", -Knock-Knock?Who's There?Ice Cream.Ice Cream who?I scream for Ice Cream!!, -Why did the poor dog chase his tail?He was trying to make ends meet!, -"Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for?Well, that's probably how dogs spend most of their lives...", -yo mamma is like a shot gun:One cock and shes ready to blow!!, -"Boys are like public toilets; they're either taken, or full of crap.", -"Two good ole boys down in Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer...After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even.", -"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth.How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.There are no new sins...the old ones just get more publicity.There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 am. It could be a right number.Think about this...No one ever says It's only a game when their team is winning.How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work so hard the boss will think he's after his job.A backyard barbecue draws two things...flies and relatives.The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.", -"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY. -Instruction printed on US Rocket LauncherWHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND. -US Marine CorpsCLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND. -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop.IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU. -Infantry JournalA SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT. -Army's magazine of preventative maintenanceIT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED. -US. Air Force manualTRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO. -Infantry JournalTRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS. -U.S. Army OrdnanceFIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS ! -Infantry Journal BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID. -David HackworthIF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AMBUSH. -Infantry JournalNO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION. -Joe GayANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER. . .ONCE. -Anon NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO. -Unknown Marine RecruitDON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU. -Infantry JournalIF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM. -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop", -"A man's wife was in labor with their first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly the man's wife began to shout, Shouldn't, couldn't wouldn't, didn't, can't!! The man said,Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?! The doctor replied, Nothing. She's just having contractions.", -"Yo momma's so stupid and so fat that when she stepped on the scale and saw three 7s, she thought she won the jackpot.", -Yo momma is so dumb when she got locked in the matress king she slept on the floor, -"your daddies so old, i slapped his butt and his balls fell off", -"why are black people so good at basket ball?because they can Run, shoot and steal.", -Yo Momma is so fat she uses a rocket ship as a dildo., -You might be redneck if you've totaled every car you've owned., -You might be a redneck if you answer to more than one nickname., -You might be a redneck if you have orange road cones in your living room!, -You might be a redneck if your toenail clippers say craftsman on the side!, -You might be a redneck if you've never stayed in a hotel without stealing something, -You might be a redneck if you've ever videotaped a dog loving on someone's leg., -"You take me out way too much!!! Do you think this dress makes me look too slim? You looked stressed out, let me give you a massage. Go out with your friends tonight, you deserve it. That Pamala Anderson has a lovely body. No, no you buy me too much already. A fake diamond will do. My mother is a real old wench. What headache?", -"We have found the perfect mate forall of you ladies out there. This mate... will always stop watching t.v. and cuddlewith you without expecting something in return. Is always happy to hear aboutyour day when you get home. Never complains about your cooking, or lack of. Never gets mad when you roll over inbed and say you're too tired. Never yells back at you when you are having a mood swing due to pms. Finally ladies here is your perfect mate.... A PUPPY!!!", -"It can buy a bed - but not sleep It can buy a clock - but not time It can buy you a book - but not knowledge It can buy you a position - but not respect It can buy you medicine - but not health It can buy you blood - but not lifeSo you see, money isn't everything, and it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering....... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you!!", -"1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear. 2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim. 3. If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts. 4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie. 5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime. 6. Please don't drive when you're not driving. 7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed. 8. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts. 9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of who's easy? 10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay. We don't care. 11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too. 12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance. In fact, please do !!! 13. When you're out with us, please wear our favorite outfit rather than yours. The torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way. 14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt. 15. Don't insist that we get off the stupid phone and then not talk to us. 16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level. 17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily women's work; besides, most of the dirt and clutter is yours anyway. 18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men. Why is it then you never want to cook? 19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you. 20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling. However, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss. Give your friends this valuable advice, and make them smile too!", -Why did the squirrel cross the road?Because it was NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!, -"Once there were three teenagers, two boys and one girl. The teenagers wanted to stay in a hotel, so they drove to the nearest one. The hotel owner said, We only have one more free room, but it is the haunted one. The teenagers didn't care, so they said they'd take it anyway. It's on the 4th floor. the owner said. Once the teenagers had gotten to the 4th floor, they heard a sound coming from inside of the room. The oldest boy said he'd go in first to see what the sound was. He went inside and heard a high-pitched voice saying, When the log rolls over, we'll all be dead! The teenager ran through the window screaming and died. Then the second oldest boy went into the room and heard, When the log rolls over, we'll all be dead! He too ran out the window screaming and died. Then it was the girls turn. Even though she was the youngest of the three teenagers, she was the bravest. She too heard, When the log rolls over, we'll all be dead! But she wasn't afraid. She listened closer and heard it coming from the bathroom and saw 5 ants on a piece of poop.", -"Once there was a girl named Maria having her 13th birthday. She had three of her closest friends over. Their names were Jessica, Sarah and Amy. Amy told Maria that she heard weird sounds coming from the closet and she thought there was a ghost in it, but Maria didn't believe her. Next, Sarah told Maria the same, but Maria still didn't believe them. Then Jessica told Maria the same thing too. This time, Maria said Chill guys! I'll even go to closet and prove that it is safe! Maria did as she had said and her three friends followed her. Maria turned out to be wrong. There was a strange noise coming from the closet. She listened closely and heard a mysterious voice saying I've gotcha where I want ya, and now I'm gonna eat ya! Maria got freaked out and said I don't believe it! I'm just gonna check one more time. Again she heard I've gotcha where I want ya, and now I'm gonna eat ya! But this time she opened the closet so that she could finally relax at her 13th birthday party. In the closet she found a monkey picking his nose with a giant booger on his finger saying I've gotcha where I want ya, and now I'm gonna eat ya!", -"There Is an old lady who lives in a 14 story hotel. She lives on the 14th floor. Every morning, she goes down into the lobby, gets cereal and goes on a walk. On mornings when it is raining, she uses the elevator all of the way up to get to her room after she goes on her walk. On mornings when it is not raining after she's eaten, she only goes to floor 7 and then uses the stairs to walk the rest of the way up. Why?Because she is a midget. On mornings when it is raining, she has her umbrella to go on the walk so she can use the umbrella to touch the top button in the elevator. When it isnt raining, she doesn't have her umbrella and she can only reach the button for floor 7.", -"There was a blind guy, walking down the street. He passes a fish market, smells the fish and says, Good morning ladies.", -What amimal walks with its feet on its head?a flea., -Why did the rooster cross the road?To fuck the chicken., -Why did the elephant cross the road?Because the chiken retired., -"Yo momma is so stupid, she sat on the tv and watched the couch.", -"A guy walks in to the Barbershop. Barber says, What will it be today? Guy says, Well, I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up. Barber says, Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that?Guy says, That's how you cut it last time.", -Yo momma is so fat she was runing in the street with a yellow raincoat and the kids thougth they mised the bus., -Why does Tigger smell so bad?Cause he's always hanging out with Pooh., -"Once there was a guy who didn't know which train station would take him to L.A. So, he asked a guy nearby,What train takes me to L.A? The left, or right train? The answer was, If you go to the right one, you'll be left and if you go to the left one, you'll be right.", -"My brother-in-law was a gay minister, so when his sister wanted a small, casual wedding, she asked him to officiate. He had never performed a marriage ceremony before, so he decided to ask his pastor for advice.My sister has asked me to marry her, he began, and I'm not sure what I should do.The minister answered, Try telling her you just want to be friends.", -"Once i bought a squirrel and I named it Melinda, and then I gave it food and then it died! Now I have a box named Joice Ann and I gave it some water and it fell down and then it died!", -Why does a man wear two pairs of pants when he goes golfing?He might get a hole in one!, -Why do people say This is the first day of the rest of your life? Isn't that true about everyday unless you die that day?, -Boys are like diapers....Always on my ass and full of shit., -"what do you get when you cross a LAWYER and a LIBRARIAN?All the information you want, but you can't understand it!", -"A lady one day decides to place an ad for a good relationship in bed. she said muct not have hands to beat her, must not have feet to walk on her and must be good in bed. one day, the doorbell rang and she answered it. a man with no legs, or hands is there and says Are u from the ad she says yeah. she says then You have no hands so u cant beat me, you have no feet so you wont walk over me, but tell me this... are u good in bed? he replies How do u think i rang the doorbell?", -Once I like bought a fox and I like named him Jorge and like he died and I cried so I bought shoes., -"Once I went to visit my cousin in Jersey and I was looking for his house and when I found his house I rang the doorbell and like I said, Hey cuz and he answered I'm not your cousin. Then I said, Yes I am, and then he closes the door on me. So I like call my mom, right? Then I like say, Mom, my cousin says he's not my cousin. Then my mom says, You don't have a cousin in Jersey. And I'm like, Oh cool, and then I got a fox.", -"A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks So, how did you end up with the peg-leg? The pirate replies I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off. Wow! said the seaman. What about the hook? Well..., replied the pirate, We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand clean off. Incredible! remarked the seaman. How did you get the eye patch? A seagull dropping fell into my eye, replied the pirate. You lost your eye to a seagull dropping? the sailor asked. Well... said the pirate, That was my first day with the hook.", -"Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read 20. He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant.As the policeman turned to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor ...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, What's wrong with them?The driver replied, We just turned off Highway 105.", -"Once there was a guy who lived in a blue, one story house. EVERYTHING in the house was blue. The refridgerator, all of the food, the tables, the chairs, the clothes of the man, the TV, the camera, the dishwasher, the washing machine, and even the man himself. What color were the stairs?Suspected Answer:BlueReal Answer:There were no stairs!!!", -when your mom whent to China people would say Run it's Godzilla!, -yo momma is so fat when she hugs people they get lost!, -Why do alot of people go to black peoples yard sales?A:To get there stuff back., -Yo momma is so stupid she got locked up in the bathroom and she peed in her pants!!, -"Yo Momma's so fat, when she went in a hot air balloon there was a solar eclipse!", -"Ed and Ted went to the fair, where they came across a small crowd gathered around a stall. They decided to go over and take a look. What's going on? Ed asked a person in the crowd. We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine, he said, nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet, and there's a prize of $100 for anybody who can.I can do that, Ed said confidently. You can't, said Ted. You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that thing. Watch this, said Ed and he climbed aboard the bronco machine. The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd. He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that? Ted asked.Remember three months ago, when your wife had whooping cough...?", -You know you're a redneck if your fence doubles as your clothesline, -You know you're a redneck if you have season tickets for the tractor pull., -You know you're a redneck if you would rather your son have his own hunting show than become a doctor., -You know you're a redneck if a city night on the town includes city jail., -You know you're a redneck if your bathroom towels are also your bathroom curtains., -You may be a redneck if your burglar alarm is a vacuum cleaner plugged into a motion detector., -You might be a redneck if you've ever watched a tornado from a lawn chair., -You know you're a redneck if you paint your garage with a paintball gun., -You might be a redneck if you've ever been fired for shooting spitballs., -"Scientists gathered three musicians together and asked them to name the greatest invention of the 20th century. The guitarist said the wah-wah pedal was the greatest invention.After that, they asked the drummer and he said the bass pedal was the greatest invention.Then finally, when asking the bass player, he said the Stanley thermos was the greatest invention.Confused, they asked him how he figured that, and he said:Hot or cold how does it know, HOW DOES IT KNOW!?!?!?!", -"At last. A bumper sticker for both parties. FINALLY, Someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. This hot selling bumper sticker comes from the great state of New York!RUN HILLARY RUNDemocrats put it on the rear bumper.Republicans put it on the front bumper.", -" Why did God make mothers?1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.2. Mostly to clean the house.3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers?1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of?1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?1. We're related.2 . God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. What kind of little girl was your mom? 1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.3. They say she used to be nice. What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?1. His last name.2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your mom marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.2. She got too old to do anything else with him.3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on. Who's the boss at your house?1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad. What's the difference between moms and dads?1. Moms work at work work at home, dads just go to work at work.2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.3. Dads are taller stronger, but moms have all the real power, because that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.4. Moms have magic. They make you feel better without medicine. What does your mom do in her spare time?1. Mothers don't do spare time.2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your mom perfect?1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.", -"A teacher of a fifth grade class gave her students an assignment. The assignment was to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.The next day, the kids came back and each had a turn to tell their stories.Peter, do you have a story to share? she asks one child.Yes, ma'm; my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a swiss army knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun, but ran out of bullets. Then she killed four more with the knife, but the blade broke. Then she killed the final soldier with her bare hands.Good heavens! said the horrified teacher, What kind of moral did your father teach you from that awful story?Don't mess with Aunt Carol when she's been drinking.", -What do you call a nun's urine?Virgin Lemonade, -"yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited for the manager all night, and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,Whew!", -"Yo momma's so fat, she makes the sun look like a pebble!", -"Yo momma's so nasty, when she burped she started a nuclear war!", -How are opera singers and sailors alike?They both have to handle the high seas!, -"Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a Who has more testicles? contest. Chuck Norris won by 5. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year. When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's. Chuck Norris can't finish a color by numbers because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.", -"Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this a slow Tuesday. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one. Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego. When taking the SAT, write Chuck Norris for every answer. You will score over 8000. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. When you're Chuck Norris, anything anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green 4 card from the game UNO. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. Nobody dislikes Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!", -"A plane was flying from New York to Canada. The plane crashes right on the border line. Where do you burry the survivors?They don't because they are survivors, therefor they never died.", -"Yo Momma so fat, she filled up the tub before she put the water in it.", -"Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move. It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks. Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. Brokeback Mountain is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.When God said, Let there be light, Chuck Norris said, Say 'please'. Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body. One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.", -"Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions. One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier. In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization Kick Drugs Out of America. If the organization's name were Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America, there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky. They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him. Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house. Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head. When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped. 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths. Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes. The only sure things are Death and Taxes...and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing. Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors. With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit. The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.", -"On Halloween night a kid is standing on a bench with a fake beard, fake fangs, a tennis racket, a baseball cap, and a purple cape.A snobby man walks by and says, What are you supposed to be?The kid says, Duh! I'm a kid standing on a bench wearing fake fangs, a fake beard, a baseball cap, a purple cape and holding a tennis racket! What did you think I was?", -"A little boy was in a bookstore with his dad. They were browsing for books when the little kid said,You know American Idol?His dad said, Yeah.The kid then said, If they win, they'll become poptarts!", -"It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you. I've been finding real passion with Barbara and she is so nice even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, she's pregnant and Barbara said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. And I love her 1700cc Harley Davidson also. We make weekly trips to her parole office on it and it rides beautifully. Both of us look very cute when we go tearing down the freeway at 120 mph.. Don't worry mom, I'm 16 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your loving son, BobbyP.S. Mom, none of this is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card...that's in my desk centre drawer. Call when it's safe for me to come home.", -You might be a redneck if you stare at the orange juice container because it says concentrate on it!, -"Yo momma's so fat, when she wore a blue rain coat people said, Let's go swim in the ocean!", -You might be a redneck if you ride the electric floorbuffer and mistake it for your wife!!, -You might be a redneck if you wear a tube top to a funeral!, -"You might think that some guys are hot.Their boyfriends think that, too!", -"When the whole class had left the little boy said, Teacher, give me an A on my math test. The teacher then says No. Then the boy said, Give me an A, or I'll tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you will get fired. So the teacher finally agrees, and gives him an A on his test. Then the boy says, Teacher take off your shirt. The teacher says No! So the little boy says, Take off your shirt, or I'll tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll get fired. So the teacher takes off her shirt. Then the little boy says, Take off your pants. But again, the teacher says, No! So the little boy says, Take off your pants or I'll tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll get fired. So the teacher takes off her pants. Then the boy said take off your bra and panties but the teacher says, No! So the boy says, Take off your bra and panties or ill tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll get fired. So the teacher takes off her bra and panties. Then the little boy says, Get on the desk and lie down. But the teacher says, No! So the boy says, Get on the desk or ill tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll be fired. So the teacher gets on the desk and lies down. Then the boy says, Let me get on top of you. But the teacher says, No! So the boy says, Let me get on top of you or I'll tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll get fired. So the teacher lets him get on top of her. Then the little boy says, Teacher, let's start moving. But the teacher says, No! So the little boy says, Let's start moving or I'll tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll be fired. So the little boy and the teacher start moving. Jjust then, the mom, the dad, and the principal come into the room, and the little boy shouts, Dad, look, I'm doing it! I'm doing it! And all three of them fainted.", -"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this! Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again. Someday I hope to get married, but not to you. Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!", -Chuck Norris is.... ...stupid., -"Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said, Of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from? Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares. When Arnold says the line I'll be back in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help. There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks. Chuck Norris' penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason. Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris. The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond. Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked. The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher. Chuck Norris was the original sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel. Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf. Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his Filet of Child sandwich", -"For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels. The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. They didn't even come close.Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota. Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one; one bad-ass, that is. TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion. After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history. Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards. Let the Bodies Hit the Floor was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him. Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires. When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes. Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims. In the movie The Matrix, Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green falling code scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard. Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has its own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours. They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.", -"Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball. According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood. Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...forty seven times. The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime. Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always. Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off. Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean; the tsunamis were killing people. Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ. They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick. Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis. A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying Betcha can't eat just one! Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move. Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep. Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as acts of God.", -Not Funny, -"Things You Learn from Video GamesThere is no problem that cannot be overcome by force.If it moves, DESTROY IT!Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.One lone good guy can defeat an infinite number of badguys.Make sure you eat all food lying on the ground.You can break things and get away with it.You can push other vehicles off the road and get away with it.If someone dies, they disappear.If you get mad enough, you can fight even better.You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.You can operate all weapons without training.No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.Death is reversible Ninjas are common, and frequently fight in public.Whenever big fat mean guys are about to croak, they begin flashing red or yellow.You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.All women wear revealing clothes and have great bodies.Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was bad.Don't worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.A thousand-to-one odds against you is NOT a problem.", -Question: What did the frog order at McDonald's?Answer: An order of french flies and a diet croak!!, -"The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V.He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted, and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown, and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.Did you do this?, he asked the centipede.Yeah, I did, the centipede replied.The lion retorted, Where were you during the first half?I was putting on my shoes.", -"The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, Tuti Homini - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, Sure.The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti.", -"Whoever said only the good die young was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class. Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep. Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can. Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie. Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate. Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk. Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet. Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back. If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes; Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul. Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris ... dies. Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants. Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples. Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whiskey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain. Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.", -"A man walks into a bar. He falls down, unconscious. Why is this?Because the man walked into a solid bar. A solid, metal bar!", -"Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a beautiful, independent, and self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.The frog hopped onto the princess' lap and said, Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.Later that night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought longingly about what her dinner said...I don't freakin' think so!", -What happens when you give a politician viagra?He gets taller., -"Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. Brenda, may I come in? he asks. I've some thin' to tell ya. Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's me husband?That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident at the Guinness brewery. Oh, God, no! cries Brenda. Please don't tell me.I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.Finally, she looked up at Tim. How did it happen, Tim?It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.", -What happens to a scone when you have eaten it?It's scone., -Yo Momma's so dumb she studied for a urine test!!, -"Yo momma's so ugly, yo daddy had eye surgery TO REMOVE HIS SIGHT!", -"If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless? If fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight??? If nothing sticks to teflon, then how do they make teflon stick to the pan?Why do Kamikaze pilots wear seatbelts?If love is blind, then why is lingere so popular? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? If a black box flight recorder is never damaged in a plane crash, why dont they make the whole plane out of that stuff? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? If most car accidents occur within 5 kilometers of home, then why doesnt every one just move 5 k's away? Why are psychics still working if they all know the winning lottery numbers? If you try to fail, but you succeed, which have you done?", -"A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early, and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom, and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.Certainly, honey, he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, Say, said the druggist, aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?Yes, I am, said the officer.Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?", -"WomenBetween the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild, and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled, but the frigid climate keeps people away.Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past, but alas, no future .After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.MenBetween the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.", -"A newfie is walking down Yonge street in Toronto and sees a store front. The only thing inside are 2 guys sitting on stools. The newfie walks in and says Hey what are you guys selling? The one guy, recognizing the accent as being newfie, says we're selling assholes! The newfie responds HOLY SHIT! Business must be good; you only have 2 left!!", -Where is the safest place to hide money from a redneck?In his work boots!How can you tell a redneck has been in your backyard?Your bike is gone and the dog is pregnant!!, -How do you confuse a redneckAsk him a question that is not about NASCAR., -"My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?I mentally polished my halo while I asked, No, how are we alike?You're both old, he replied!!", -"Relish today, ketchup tomorrow!A hamburger walks into the bar, and the bartender says, Sorry, we don't serve food here.I wanted to be a mime, but I talked myself out of it.Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.", -What you call a man with no arms and no legs at a work-out place?JimWhat you call a man with no arms and no legs at your door?MattWhat you call a man with no arms and no legs in your bathroom?JohnWhat you call a man with no arms and no legs in a trench?PhilWhat you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pit?DougWhat you call a man with no arms and no legs with a cat?TomWhat you call a girl with one leg?IleneWhat you call a Japanese girl with one leg?IreneWhat do you call a pig with no legs?Groundhog, -"Frankienstien was out on a rainy day and he saw a very ugly guy. Lookin' good! he said to him. Later he saw a super model he said, So, how'd you get to be a mutant?", -"A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, They couldn't get a baby-sitter.", -"Psst, c'mere, said the shifty-eyed man, wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street, into a damp dark alley. I followed. What are you selling? I asked. Geometrical algebra drugs. Huh!? Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers... Stop right there, I interrupted. I've never heard of inside-outers. Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin' Escher on a particularly weird day. Go on... OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones, he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills. What are those, then? I asked. Givens transformers. They'll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed. Sounds gross. What about those bilinear mappers? There's a whole variety of them. Here's one you'll love -- they call it 'One Over Z' on the street. Take one of these little bad boys and you'll be on speaking terms with the Point at Infinity.", -"The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. Ever have an accident? Nope, nary a one. None? You've never had any accidents. Nope. Ain't never had one. Never. Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident? Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.", -"A man was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The man asked, Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water? The little old man replied I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your shirt. The man shouted, I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water! OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want. The man thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared from view. Three hours later the man came crawling back to where the little old man was sitting behind his card table. He said, I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it? The man rasped, I found it alright. They wouldn't let me in without a tie.", -"A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper. Of course he was soon arrested for rustling.", -"At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly, until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward, why he behaved so badly, he explained, I was just trying to be a good ring bear.", -"A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, What are you doing?!! The blind man replies, Just looking around.", -"The farmer's son was returning from the market, with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden, the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood, scooping up the wayward birds, and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. Pa, the chickens got loose, the boy confessed sadly, but I managed to find all twelve of them. Well, you did real good, son, the farmer beamed. You left with seven.", -"...I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already....I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses....I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration....I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them....I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations....I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable, regardless of the amount of time given....I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero....If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year....I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind....I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it....I obey the law of inverse excuses, which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task....I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan....I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever....I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles , if they ever get it organized.", -"My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes. And besides, he looks so cute in his valet parking attendant uniform.", -"An elementary school teacher asked her students to write a truthful report on what they would do if they had a million dollars. There was only one student who recieved an A, and the rest failed for lying.This was the paper with the A:Johnny...", -"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert SaysIs There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?Prostitutes Appeal to PopePanda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes OverLung Cancer in Women MushroomsEnraged Cow Injures Farmer with AxMiners Refuse to Work after DeathJuvenile Court to Try Shooting DefendantStolen Painting Found by TreeTwo Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout CounterKiller Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years", -"Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved OneWar Dims Hope for PeaceCold Wave Linked to TemperaturesEnfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect HomicideRed Tape Holds Up New BridgeDeer Kill 17,000Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds DeadMan Struck by Lightning Faces Battery ChargeNew Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test GroupAstronaut Takes Blame for Gas in SpacecraftKids Make Nutritious Snacks", -"Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?You know how most packages say Open here. What is the protocol if the package says, Open somewhere else?Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?", -Why did the french dog look in the toilet?Wee wee, -You Might be a Redneck If you take your family to K-Mart to see a movie., -"Today, if you meet someone from France, they will say, Bonjour, Je suis de la France.This is what they would say if America knew France wasn't going to pay us back for helping them. Hallo, bin ich von Frankreich.", -"A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree, that had been pressed between the pages. Momma, look what I found, the boy called out. What have you got there, dear? his mother asked. With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, It's Adam's Suit!", -"Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. You're not supposed to talk out loud in church. Why? Who's going to stop me? Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers.", -"Jack was living in Arizona, during a heat wave, when the following took place. It's just too hot to wear clothes today, complained Jack, as he stepped out of the shower. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this? Probably that I married you for your money.", -"A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom, on the edge of the bathtub, saying to himself, Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet, and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out, sooner or later, that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her? Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed, saying to herself, Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently? The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife, so he walks into the bedroom, walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, Darling, I've a confession to make. And she says, So have I, love. To which he replies, Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks.", -"Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. Doctor, you must help me, she pleaded. It's gotten so that every time I meet one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week. I see, nodded the psychiatrist. And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter. NO!!! exclaimed the nurse. I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!", -"A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant. His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, What in the world are you doing? He replied, I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another.", -"A computer teacher who doesn't speak good english tells his student Paul open the window let the Air Force Come.At another time the same teacher and his wife sees one of his students in mall. The next day the teacher says to the student Tim, yesterday I saw you with my wife at the mall.", -"How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 5... 1 to try and fail, 3 to stand around and pretend to be musicians, and 1 to actually do it right.How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb?3... 1 to do it, and 2 to say they can do it better.How many tuba players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?2... 1 to crush the lightbulb, and the other to fight about it.", -What do scientists use to freshen their breath?Experi-mints, -What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?Tyrannosaurus wrecks, -You might be a redneck if your kids are named after the car they were made in., -"1) Your life's ambition involved 2 things. get high and earn just enough money to get high2) You're nervous around the police even if you have nothing on you because you just know they know,-or-You WANT them to search you because you don't have anything just so you can laugh at them.3) You set aside actual lump sums of money to buy weed and treat it like your 'utility bill.'4) You were never out of weed until your friends were out of weed.5) Every time you happened to catch the clock at a glance and see '4:20', you automatically think of weed. 7) You would drive over 100 miles if you knew a guy who was selling weed 20 bucks cheaper then the guy next door.8) You've actually 'worked' for weed.9) You've actually held up a sign that said 'will work for weed'10) You're high reading this and didn't know there is no 6.11) You want to argue with me because 2 is a two part answer, and bring in the philosophy behind it.", -"One day a three legged dog walked into a bar.He said, I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw.", -"The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting. It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage. The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.", -"Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. I was the James Bond type of player, he told his friends. I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition. Batted .007, his wife added.", -"I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.", -"A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice! I did? What did I tell you? said the dad. You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble. What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state, he said. there must be some mistake. I don't think so, she sniffed. They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'.", -"One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. Get the owner's manual! her husband shouted. I can't find it anywhere! she cried, searching through the box. Oops! came a voice from the kitchen. Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp.", -"One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. The car broke down. The Mechanical Engineer said, I think a rod broke. The Chemical Engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas. The Electrical Engineer said, I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system. All three turned to the computer engineer and said, What do you think? The Computer Engineer said, I think we should all get out and get back in.", -"Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother, after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night, and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked,Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you? Bobby said, Yes, God did it and he did it left handed. This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, What makes you say God did this with his left hand? Well, said Bobby, we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!", -"Yo momma is like a radio station, everyone can turn her on.", -What do you get if you cross a rhino and and elephant?Elepf-ino , -"I once asked a foreign person if i could bang on his drum, he told me, You can't bang on my drum, but you can bang on my bum!-If this ever happens to you, run!", -"A policeman caught a nasty little boy, with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other. Now listen here, the policeman said. Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature, I shall personally do to you In that case, said the boy, I'll kiss it on the forehead and let it go", -"A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat. The giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself, and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink, and, after a while, they order the same again. They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them, and ordering another load, untill suddenly, the giraffe falls off his stool, and lies unconscious on the floor. The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door. The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door You can't leave that lyin' 'ere! The man replies, Its not a lion, its a giraffe!", -"You know, luckily they have this fraud protection thing going around. It's supposed to save your butt if it's happened to you. Capital one has it, Visa, Master Card, etc. If they notice some unusual activity, they'll give you a call like this:Hi, this is Capital One calling. We've noticed a lot of unusual activity on your account the past couple of days, and we were just wondering if you've lost your card.Have you ever got a call like that? It could save your credit. That practice seemed like a good idea, and, apparently, it's being used by everyone. But I don't think I could have prepared myself when I got a call last sunday afternoon that went like this:Hi, this is Heaven calling. We've noticed a lot of unusual activity coming from you these past couple of days, and we were just wondering if you've lost your mind.Well, apparently, by saying yes, I saved my soul.", -"Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it, but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him. He dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin, as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast, but the bear was just a little faster, and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, You skin this one while I go and get another one!", -There is an old story about the data centre of the future. This data centre runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog. The man's job is to feed the dog. The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer., -"A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.", -"John, for heaven's sake, why can't you just talk to me once in awhile? whined Mari. Huh? John responded. Look around you! she yells, as she points around the room. All these books. Your head is always buried in books. You don't even know I'm alive! Oh. I'm sorry. You know, sometimes I wish I were a book. Then you'd at least look at me. Hmmm, John mumbled in deep thought, that's not a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting.", -"A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice. The little voice tells him, Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas. The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice. The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas. Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas. Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, Go to Harrah's. So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, Go to the roulette table. The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, Put all your money on 17. Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21. The little voice says, Oops...", -"One night a man and his wife were lying in bed and she was complaining that his penis was small and asked why he didn't do something about it.The next night thay were in bed and she reached between his legs and gasped, How did it get so big?Husband said, Simple, I went to the hospital and had an operation.The wife replied, What kind of operation?The husband said, I had an addadicktome!", -You might be a redneck if your limo at your wedding was a tractor and trailer., -You might be a redneck if your honeymoon was at the family farm., -The king had a powerful army. He reined for 7 years before clearing the clouds!!!, -"My computer is so old, it has a VHS slot instead of a CD/DVD slot!!!", -You might be a redneck if......your porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs....you see your family reunion as a way to meet girls....you marry three times and still have the same in-laws., -"Both of the following men have cheated on their wives and have decided to take it to the Lord. One is a gangster and one is a Christian. This is their prayers....Christian husband:Dear Father Son and Holy Ghost,I have sinned and am so sorry. I cheated on my wife with her best friend. Please allow my wife to forgive me for it was a long night and I didn't mean to hurt her.AmenGangster husband:Waz up Pops Pops Jr. and Spooks,I cheated on my women last night. She is pissed off but I have a good reason for my actions. You see I'm a pimp in my old town and one of my leading ladies was having some trouble so you know, Lil' Willy down there make it all better. Well, my woman found out so you know let this blow over. Gangster out", -How can you tell the difference between a violin and a fiddle?Look at the audience!, -"A man went into his shrink's office and says, Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean? Relax, says the doctor; you're just having an auto-body experience.", -"I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek. An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. Men, our sergeant yelled, you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles! Revitalized, we picked up the pace. And, he continued, we should reach the starting point any minute now.", -"A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today. The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, When do you have time to plough your land? At night? No, the young farmer replied seriously, Night is when I put the water in the hole.", -"A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses, one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet. The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.", -"A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. Who's the boss around here? he asked. I am. said the man. I have a black horse and a brown horse, the farmer said, which one would you like? The man thought for a minute and said, The black one. No, no, no, get the brown one. the man's wife said. Here's your chicken. said the farmer.", -"For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home? Tommy burst into tears and confessed, I think Mommy ate it!", -"Hello, this is probably 327-4681, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.", -"Bob was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove Joe crazy. Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!! Bob replied, You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week. Joe looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!! Bob answered, You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!", -"I bet that India would win against Pakistan and lost Rs 1,000. Tommy told Rob.Hey, you bet Rs 1,000 for a single match? Rob exclaimed.No Man, I bet Rs 500 on that match. Tommy replied.So, what happened to the other Rs 500? Rob asked.My Friend, I bet on the highlights too. Tommy replied.", -Once there was a guy who liked cheese., -I like hippos 'cause they're fat and don't care what other hippos think., -Blonds are so dumb. I'm lucky my hair is yellow., -"Yo momma is so fat, she stepped on a peanut and she made peanut butter.", -"Yo momma is so stupid, she's stupid.", -"Once there was an old man 70 years old named Bob who was married to his 73 year old wife, Mary. They had their grandchild, named Caroline over. Once they got home from their walk, Bob offered Caroline some hot chocolate, toast, and eggs.Of course! She said with delight. Then, Bob goes in to make the meal for Caroline and Mary follows to help. Bob and Mary take an hour to walk into the kitchen, take three hours making the meal, and take an hour to walk back into the living room in which Caroline was in with the meal.Caroline noticed, Hey, you forgot the Hot chocolate and toast!", -"Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again. To which the gentleman said, Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!", -"One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window. They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, Honey, have you seen my other shoe?", -What did the robot say to the centipede?Stop being a centipede!!!................................its funny cause the robot doesnt have any legs, -Never trust google!why? follow the instruction below and you'll get what I meanPlease do it right now and see the blunder made by google.1. Open google2. Click 'language tools' link.3. Write Linda's mom is very nice in 'Translate text:' textbox.4. Select English to Spanish in the below combo.5. Press Translate and wait for translation.6. Now copy the translated text from the above text and paste it in the 'Translate text:' textbox.7. Select Spanish to English in the below combo.8. Press Translate and wait for translation.9. Enjoy.Copy paste below's URL to go to translator page of google:http://www.google.com/language_tools?hlen, -"The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School. The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch.", -"A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. Listen, said the shoplifter, I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this? The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?", -"Oh, the network outside is frightful,But on campus, it's so delightful,Our packets have nowhere to go,Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow. It doesn't show signs of stopping,All our packets, our hosts are dropping;Bandwidth is turned way down low,Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow. When we finally connect to a site,It's time to go back to the dorm;But if I could stay here all night,I could submit their Web form. The network is slowly dying,And, I fear, we're still denying,But as long as Sprint is the way to go,Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.", -Did you here about the giant with a nosebleed? It was all over town, -"A boy went to his grandpa's grandma's house. He asked his grandpa, while his hand holds a worm, If I can make this worm stiff, would you give me $10? His grandpa said, Yes. Then he sprayed the worm with hair spray, and the worm became stiff. The grandpa looked surprised. He then tells his wife about what happened, and together, they give the boy $20. Grandma then said, Here's $10 from grandpa for making the worm stiff, as he promised, and $10 from me for the great idea.", -"There was a Polish man and an American on the street corner. The American man wanted to see if the Polish really were stupid. The Polish man replied, No, you stupid American, we are not. The American then puts his hand in front of a metal pole, and tells the Polish man, he's sorry to hit him for it. When he goes to hit him, the American moves his hand, leaving the Polish man crying. The Polish man then puts his hand in front of his face and says, What now?The Polish man went to the hospital. The entire time he was there, he insisted he screw the room lightbulb in himself.", -You might be a redneck if your dog is in your bed more than your wife., -"Knock-knockWho's there? KookKook who? Hey, who you calling cukoo mister?", -Why does a cock always close his eyes when he's crowing?Because he already knows the text!!, -What is the similarity between Einstein and Newton?Neither of them ever had a mobile phone!, -Why do pigs STINK?Because they have four armpits.., -You fart and you are proud of the smell, -Make sure you are in a public place with a lot of people around.Sniff the air a couple of times . Turn to you wife and say in a loud voice Hey honey did you fart?!., -Yo momma is so uncoordinated she couldn't hit water if she fell out of a boat., -Yo mommas is so fat it takes a twinky and a tub of butter to get her through the door., -You know we all have those moments and I'm going to share a few of them with you.At lunch I was going crazy looking for my purse. It was literally right in front of me...on the table.My friend across from me suddenly said Where's Tina? She was sitting right next to her.I was having a conversation with my friend on the bus and five seconds later I couldn't remember what it was about. I still can't Maybe it was about bread....When people lose their cell phones why don't they just call them? Even if they're on vibrate you can still hear them a little bit.....At work I'm constantly trying to give change in dimes instead of just using a quarter....I know not that bad but yea.I had to call home once and I fergot my own phone number., -"A blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were in a cave. All of a sudden, a blind guy said he heard something, the deaf guy said he saw something, and the armless guy said Let's kick his ass!", -"I went to the neurologist yesterday, to find out if I still needed to take my medication, right?Well, he goes off on a random tangent about Hershey Park and I'm like, what the heck, I thought this was about me, not a theme park. And so, somehow, he decides that I need to take two pills instead of one, and again, I'm like what the heck, this guy is nuts!And then after he decides this, he randomly decides to check the reflexes in my elbows and my knees and my ankles. I am laughing uncontrollably and my moms looked at me like I was nuts - I still don't know what my reflexes have to do with my migraines.", -Question: How long is a minute?Answer: That depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on!!, -What do snakes use for birth control?An Anacondom!, -"Yo Momma's just like a bus. They're big, smelly, and you can ride it for a buck.", -"Have you seen the current remake of the movie Cape Fear? It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?", -Two Potatoes are standing on a street corner. How do you know which one is a hooker?It's the one stamped I-da-Ho , -"A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, I'm a walking economy. His friend replies, How's that? It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.", -1. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem. 2. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay. 3. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained. 4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete. 5. All methods of birth control would become 100% effective. 6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment. 7. There would be a cure for stretch marks. 8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes. 9. Men wouldn't think twins were so cute. 10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm., -"I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest. I was arrested for striking a happy medium.", -"A man walks into a bar and says, Bartender, give me two shots. Bartender says, You want them both now or one at a time? The guy says, Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here, and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks He can drink? Oh, sure. He can drink. So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. That's amazing says the bartender. What else can he do, can he walk? The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, Hey, Jake. Go get that. The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. That's amazing he says, what else can he do? Does he talk? The man says Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!", -"A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a blisteringly hot day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town. A rancher rode past. Say, friend, called out one of the men, how far is it to the next town? Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon, called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered. How far to the next town? the men asked him eagerly. Oh, a good two miles. A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. Hey, how far's the next town? Not far, was the encouraging answer, only about two miles. Well, sighed the optimistic sergeant, thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!", -"yo momma's so fat, her blood type is rocky road.", -"A guy goes into a diner, and when the waitress comes over to take his order, he says, I want eggs, toast, and coffee. But make the eggs uncooked, the toast burnt, and the coffee really strong and bad. And I want you to slam the food onto the table and yell at me.The waitress says Why would you want me to something like that?He replies, I'm homesick.", -Their was a very rich old lady that died.Before she died she gave all her money and stuff to her children and grandchildren. She had one thing left to give out. It was a diamond. She said she hid it in a cylinder with squares. A grandchild said he knew where it was. Where was it???, -Procrastinators meeting tomorrow., -"Yo mamma's so fat, when she went to the zoo elephants called her mom.", -A guy goes to work and kills everyone...what is this called...?Going Postal..., -I AM WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS BECAUSE IT MAKES IT SEEM LIKE I AM YELLING IN YOUR HEAD AND I LIKE THE IDEA OF YELLING IN YOUR HEAD. IT MAKES ME FEEL POWERFUL!!!, -"Mr. Dodgers and the children in the neighbourhood are raking leaves at Mr. Dodger's house. They have three piles of leaves in the back yard, and seven piles of leaves in the front yard. When Mr. Dodgers and the children put all the piles together, how many piles of leaves will they have? JUST ONE BIG PILE!!!", -"A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. What's going on? she yells out the window. Cow on the track! replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?", -"Is your dad a baker? Because those buns are lookin' good!I lost my phone number, can I have yours?", -"Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. That's no problem, son, said the sergeant. Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'. But what about a bayonet, Sarge? asked the young recruit. The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'. The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, Bangety Bang Bang! The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab! He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. Bangety Bang Bang! repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab! It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, Tankety Tank Tank.", -"When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. When you finish cutting the grass, I said, you might as well sweep the sidewalk. The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.", -Rusty Bed Spings by I.P NitelyFell off a Cliff By Ilene DoverBounce of a Brick Wall by Rick O'SheyMini Skirts by Seymour ButtzRace to the Outhouse By Willie Makitand last but not leastGuide to One Night Stands by Juan Teboneya, -"There once was a man who had been in a depressed state for months. His dog that he'd had since childhood ran away, his fianc ran off the day before their wedding with a woman, he was working a job that was totally unfulfilling, and his house was robbed and his most valuable possesions were plundered. One day, he decided to just end his meaningless existence. He wished to kill himself in the most painful way he could think of. That night, he drove to the zoo, which was closed at that time. The guy simply climbed over the gate at the entrance, unknowingly alerting the half-drunk security officer who was sitting in the ticket window. The man walked over and found the pit where the vicious lions resided. He stood on the edge of the pit and prepared to jump. Before he could, the security officer from before arrived with back-up.He raised his gun and shouted, Stop, or we'll shoot!!", -"My cat is crazy. I had just sat down to eat my hot dog when she jumped in my lap. She scared the crap out of me. I mean, I literally screamed. Then I'm like, Whatever. and I went back to my hot dog. Then I felt something sharp on my fingers. That stupid thing was biting me! Poor thing just wanted some food.", -"There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the preacher's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, Children are a gift from God, he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers. And the congregation said, Amen.", -"As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, All right! All you idiots fall out. As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?", -"A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, When you see all thestars in the sky, what do you think, sir?The LT replies, Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonderif what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What doyou think of, Sergeant?I think somebody stole the damn tent.", -"Well, snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.Not me, Chief! the Seaman replied. Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!", -"At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?", -"The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase secure the building. The Army will post guards around the place.The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquartersThe Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.", -Knock-knock!Who's there?Irish!Irish who?Irish I could think of a better joke!, -"Rose, a mother of two boys, Jim and Ralph, heard yelling from upstairs. She heard several phrases like I got you! and No, you didn't! She ran to see what the yelling was about. It ended up that the two boys were playing cops and robbers, and were trying to shoot each other with their fingers.Jim! Haven't I taught you not to point! Fake guns are no excuse!...But mum! Jim replied after a short pause, I'm giving him the thumbs up, too!", -You might be a redneck if you've ever bought a birthday present out of a vending machine., -"You know you're a Redneck if.....1. Your child's night-light is a neon beer sign.2. The only running water in your house comes through the ceiling.3. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.4. All your kids toys came free with a Happy Meal.5. When you fill your car with gas, it's worth doubles.6. You start a fight in a bar and your wife finishes it.7. Your kids favourite bedtime story is Curious George and the Electric fence8. You and your wife's family reunions are one and the same.9. The Glamour Shots people give you your money back. and last of all.... You know you're a redneck if10.The FBI has more pictures of your family than you do.", -You are a legal heir to a fireworks stand., -Local cops know you by your nickname., -You get homesick watching cops on TV., -Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass., -"Your parrot can say, Open up, it's the police!", -You used a cheat sheet during your hunter's safety test., -Your current wife was a bridesmaid at your first wedding., -"Sing this to the tune of On top of old oaky from That's so Raven.On top of Mount Fuji,All covered in blood,I shot poor BarneyWith a 45 stud.He went to the hospital.He wasn't quite dead.So I took a machine gun,And blew off his headI went to his funeral.I went to his grave.Some people threw flowers,But i threw a grenadeTaDa!", -"Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man?Do you know the muffin man who lives on Dreary lane?I just shot the muffin man, the mufifn man, the muffin man.I just shot the muffin man who lives on Dreary Lane.I shot him with a 20 gauge, a 20 gauge, a 20 gaugeI shot him with a 20 gauge, and now he's dead.", -"One day, in a hospital, a doctor walked into a womans room, looking very serious. There's something wrong with your baby, he said. the woman bolted upright. Tell me! What's wrong with my baby? The doctor looked her straight in the eye and told her, Your child is a hermaphrodite. A herma-whatta? she asked. The baby has the, um, most important parts of both a boy and a girl. The woman turned pale. It was silent for a few moments, and she said, So, you're saying its a guy with a brain?!?!?!", -"I don't get why we teach little kids the popular saying Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. And we wonder what is with all the violence? I mean come on that's like 100% emo.", -"This couple, my mom is friends with at work, just had a baby. The wife, Emily, told Dave, her husband, there needed to be some cutbacks on beer to save money for diapers and such. Dave was very disapointed, as could be imagined, but realized it was for the good of their child. One afternoon Emily walks through the door, with bags of makeup and pretty clothes. Dave politely asked Emily why she was spending money on cosmetics, and he was restricted from beer. She responded causually, This is for you honey. It makes me pretty. Naturally, Dave responded, That's what the beer was for. Since then, he has been kicked out of the house, and lives in our basement.", -"50 Fahrenheit Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens.35 Fahrenheit - Italian Cars won't start. Canadians drive withthe windows down.32 Fahrenheit American water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.0 Fahrenheit New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season-60 Fahrenheit Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.-100 Fahrenheit Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadianspull down their ear flaps.-173 Fahrenheit Ethyl alcohol Freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.-460 Fahrenheit Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying cold, eh?-500 Fahrenhei t Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.", -You think Going the extra mile means using toothpaste.You take a bar of soap to your local pool.Your dentures have fillings.Your idea of conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.Your wife has ever burnt out an electric razor.Your medical plan is not to get sick., -You know your a redneck if...You tell your kids the facts of life and they interrupt you with corrections.You've ever given your date flowers from a cemetery.You proposed at Denny's.The biggest compliment you got at your wedding was how cute your baby was.You had a marriage license before you had a drivers license.You've ever reused wedding invitations.The last thing your ex-wife ever said to you was It's me or them dogs.If your wedding invitations ever said same time same place.At your wedding reception you put Alka-Seltzer in cheap wine to get Champagne., -"As an insult you could say You know, most of you weight comes from all that make-up your wearing!", -Here are two pick up lines:Are you a Abercrombie model? Your not?!?!? You so should be!!orMy friend thinks we should go out. Wanna?, -"Birdie Birdie in the sky,Dropped some white stuff in my eye.I'm a big girl, I won't cry.I'm just glad that cows don't fly!", -"One day, a blond and her male co-worker are sitting in the lunch room, and the guy says, I can't take anymore today, I am going home! The blond replies, You can't just get up and leave. You'll be fired!. Not to worry, I am going to be sent home. I have an idea. the guy says and leaves the room.The blond finishes her lunch and heads back into work, to see her co-worker hanging upside down from the ceiling, yelling over and over, I'm a lightbulb!. The owner hears this and comes down. He takes one look at the guy, hanging upside down, yelling he is a lightbulb, and sends him home for the rest of the day, with pay, so he can rest, because he has obviously been working to hard.The guy gets down off the ceiling, thanks the owner and leaves.The blond turns around and starts to leave. The owner yells to her, Hey where the heck do you think you are going? The blond replies, I'm going home. You can't expect me to work in the dark!", -I sprayed my dog with spot remover. Now he is gone., -Jack and Jillwent up the hill each with a buck and a quarterJill came down with $2.50. They didn't go up for water!, -"There was a man who went to buy some guns. The salesman at the store asked what he wanted to shoot. He said, Cans So the salesman asked, What kind of cans? Ameri-cans, Afri-cans,,,,", -"A man and a woman have a child, and they need a crib, so they go to a crib factory store. This family is really poor, and they can only find cribs for $300. Then they find a crib for $20. They go up to the cashier and ask why. The cashier says its because it is cursed. The man and woman ask how it is cursed. The cashier replies, After the 1st week of owning the crib, the mother of the child will die. After the 2nd week of owning the crib the child will die. And after the 3rd week the father of the child will die.The man and woman decide they don't believe the cashier, so they buy the crib anyway. A week goes by, and the woman dies. The man weeps. Another week goes by, and the child dies. The man weeps even more. Another week goes by, and the man trips over the dead mailman in front of his house.", -"One time, when there was a hope for mankind, some blonds appeared in front of a judge. The judge said, You can either have world peace or keep your cellular phones and get electrocuted.So the blond takes out her cellular phone and the judge says; What are you doing? and she simply says; Im phoning a friend.Now I'm not sure what happened after that because no one saw this blond ever again!", -"One day a little boy and a little girl are outside playing together and they get into an argument.The little boy holds up an army man and says I bet you don't have one of these!The little girl finds her army man and holds it up Yes I do! she says in a superior tone.The little boy looks through his toys and holds up a dump truck and says Well I bet you don't have one of these!Once again the little girl looks through her toys and finds a dump truck and holds it up and says Oh yes I do! in a superior tone.The little boy is starting to get mad so he looks through his toys and finally finds a cap gun. He holds it up and yells Well I bet you don't have one of these!The little girl finds her cap gun and holds it up Oh yes I do! in a very snooty voice.At this point the little boy has had it so he stands up and whips his pants down to his knees and points to his crotch and proclaims Well I know you don't have one of these!! The little girl gets up looks down the front of her pants and then runs home crying.The next day the little boy and little girl are playing again and once again they go through the routine with the army man, the dump truck and the cap gun.The little boy jumps up with a big smile on his face and whips his pants down to his kness points and his crotch and says Well I know you don't have one of these, SO THERE!The little girl immediatley jumps up pulls her pants down and points at her crotch and says Well I might not have one of those, but my mommy told me that with one of these I can get one of those anytime I want one!!", -"A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor. Doc, the frustrated commuter complained, I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode. Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment. What is it, Doc? Am I going insane? No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common. Tell me! What is it? You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.", -"The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...? After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, I guess you'd be eating alone.", -"A man is running out of his large office building when his boss spots him and asks him what he is doing. The man replies, My wife called me and she says she is going to jump out our window and commit suicide.The boss realizes that this is a good excuse, but says, Well, by the time you get home, won't it be too late?The man says, Nah, I'm just going to open the window for her.", -"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?", -"The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly. On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, Have the tranquilizers calmed you down? Yes, the boy's mother answered. And how is your son now? the psychiatrist asked. Who cares? the mother replied.", -"Congratulations my boy! said the groom's uncle. I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life. But I'm not getting married until tomorrow, protested his nephew. I know, replied the uncle.", -"A huge black man entered in a bar with a huge and colorful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender was amazed, so he asked Where did you get that thing? Then the parrot said, Well they're walking all over Africa...", -"Little Billy is at home and his mom is in the shower. Billy walks in on her and sees her breasts and says Mommy what are those? His mom replies, Well, Billy, those are my headlights. Oh says Billy. Then he looks down between her legs and sees hair there. Mommy, what is that? he asks. His mom thinks a bit, then says, Billy, that is my lawn. Oh, i see, says Billy, and he goes back downstairs.Later in the day, Billy's dad is in the shower and Billy walks in on him, and sees his penis. Daddy, what is that long thing? asks Billy. His dad, having already spoken to his mom, is well prepared and responds, Well, Billy, that is my snake. Billy says, Oh, ok dad and then goes down stairs.Later that night, when Billy is in bed, he hears noises coming from his parents bedroom, and goes to see what is going on. Upon walking into the room, Billy yells out, MOMMY MOMMY, QUICK TURN YOUR HEADLIGHTS ON! DADDY'S SNAKE IS IN YOUR GRASS!This is why when you make love and have children in the house make sure to lock the door!.", -"Q - Why do women have nipples?A - Because, if they didn't, boobs would be pointless", -"A blond had a crazy idea one day to skip school, so she decided to try her luck. The day went by fine and she had a good day at the mall. A few days later, she gets a note saying she has to go to the office to talk about the day she was gone. She was very paranoid and afraid of what might happen. When she got to the office the counselor asked her to sit down, and said, You never picked up your pictures that we gave out on the day you were absent. The blond replies, Oh, is that all you called me down for? I thought you had found out I skipped school that day!", -"A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt so she asked, Johnny, is there anything wrong? The boy replied, No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked Johnny if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. Johnny replied, Yes teacher, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.", -Yo Momma is so fat she farted and caused global warming, -You might be a redneck if for your prom you wore a strapless dress but wore a bra that wasn't., -"One day, there was a powerful slide, and when you go down on it, you wish for something and you get it. One guy goes down the slide, and says, A pot of gold, and he gets it. Another guy goes down and says, A pot of silver, and he gets it. The third guy says, Weeee, and he gets a pot of wee!", -"One time, my teacher said to dump our Math books. Then she said to get your Social Studies book. Then that became history.", -"A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, So I hear you're getting married?Yep!Do I know her?Nope!This woman, is she good looking?Not really.Is she a good cook?Naw, she can't cook too well.Does she have lots of money?Nope! Poor as a church mouse.Well, then, is she good in bed?I don't know.Why in the world do you want to marry her then?Because she can still drive!", -"Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, thedoctor spoke to Morris and said, You're really doing great, aren't you? Morris replied, Just doing what you said, Doc, 'Get a hot momma and be cheerful.'The doctor said, I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'", -"A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice creamparlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, Crushed nuts?No, he replied, Arthritis.", -"I'm so old, I woke up the other morning and thought I had an erection. I was really happy until I realized it was just a leg cramp!", -"Once I asked a guy, Do you love me, or is that a banana in your pocket?", -You might be a redneck if you think cauliflower is a phone dating service for flowers., -You've tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.You name your car the General Lee.You see a sign that says bridge out and you try to jump it., -"Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.", -"I always wondered why there are so many blond jokes,but no brunettes. I asked a brunette friend of mine.Why do you think there are no brunette jokes? I asked her.Well,that's a given. Blonds are too stupid to make them up.", -"Knock,knock!Who's there?King!King who?King Kong is now part of China.", -Why is a circle so hot????Because it's 360 degrees!!!, -Knock Knock!Who's there?A chu.A chu who?Bless you!, -Why wasn't the giraffe invited to the party?He was a pain in the neck to talk to., -"One day at class, Mrs. Stryo has a storytelling contest. She tells the class that the boy or girl with the best story will get a bag of candy.Jay, a clever boy, thinks of a story.One day, there is a storm. He begins. Someone's house gets ripped apart by this storm, leaving furniture scattered on the ground.One old man survives this storm. He trys to rebuild the house that was torn apart.He almost suceeds. Three months later, after spending all of his money trying to rebuild the house, another storm comes and rips it apart again. Everything is scattered around again.So that man trys again to build a house. Six months later, he spends a further few hundred dollars building up his house. And again, another storm comes and rips up his house. Now he had a few hundred dollars in debt.After a few more trials, and increasing his debt to a few thousand bucks, he gives up. The next storm comes and rips apart the remains of his furniture.So he gets a job mowing lawns. He has no clue how to use a lawnmower and breaks it. He then gets a job raking leaves.So he spends the rest of his life raking leaves and shoveling snow for a few bucks a day. And those few bucks were payed to the bank.Ten years later, he dies of a heart attack. He still has two thousand dollars in debt. His family pays it off, then become poor themselves, and spend the rest of their lives raking leaves and shoveling snow for a few dollars a day.The class applauds uncertainly, wondering about the story.Mrs. Stryo asks, What weas the point of that story, Jay?One person's misfortune is another person's entertainment.", -"Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. I'm sorry sir, the first trooper told the driver, but I am still going to have to write you a ticket. Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, Tacks evasion.", -How do you keep a black man from jumping on your bed?-Put velcro on the ceiling.Why don't black people dream anymore?-Because the last one that did got shot.How do you keep five black men from raping a white woman?-Give them a basketball.What do you call black ladies' abortions?-CrimestoppersWhat do you say if you see your tv floating in the middle of the night?-Drop it nigga!Whats wrong with four Mexicans dying in an Impala?-An Impala can hold five., -If you name your kids after dead family pets you just might be a redneck!, -"A girl was eating lunch in the cafeteria and she was laughing and talking to all friends. But as you know, it is very distracting to talk while you're eating. So she goes to put a french fry into her mouth and before anyone notices, she looks down because, you guessed it, she missed her mouth. Turns out everyone at the table had seen her do it. As the table bursts out laughing, someone says, I do that all the time. I go to take a drink of water and I miss. Someone else said, You have a hole in your lip. From the other end of the table someone yells Who has a whore on their cheek?", -It is amazing how politicians can fit all their good points in a 30 second TV commercial., -"A guy goes in an adult book store and asks for an inflatable doll.Guy behind the counter says, Male or female?Customer says, Female.Counter guy asks, Black or white?Customer says, White.Counter guy asks, Radical Christian or Muslim Extremist?Customer says, What the hell does religion have to do with it?Counter guy says, The Muslim Extremist blows itself up.", -Only in America can a poor black boy turn into a rich white woman... , -Only in America can a President have relations in the oral office, -If you met your wife on a hunting trip you just might be a redneck., -"A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard? Throw out an anchor, sir, the student replied. What would you do if another storm sprang up aft? Throw out another anchor, sir. And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then? asked the captain. Throw out another anchor, sir. Hold on, said the captain. Where are you getting all those anchors from? From the same place you're getting your storms, sir.", -"Week 1 - Memo No. 1 Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice. Week 3 - Memo No. 2 Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Week 6 - Memo No. 3 Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. Week 8 - Memo No. 4 A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory. Week 9 - Memo No. 5 As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress. Week 14 - Memo No. 6 The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards. A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter You Are What You Wear and consult the home casual versus business casual checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. Week 18 - Memo No. 7 Our Employee Assistant Plan has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day. Week 20 - Memo No. 8 Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.", -"Yo momma is so poor, that when I went to her house, a roach tripped me and a rat took my wallet.", -"Yo momma is so fat, that when she fell in love , people wern't laughing but the floor was cracking up!!!", -"Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It's actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it's simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck NorrisChuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper. Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.", -"Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed downChuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck NorrisWhen Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shameChuck Norris doesn't use after-shave, he uses hot liquid magma.When Chuck Norris found this web-site while surfing the internet, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly, including this oneYou can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you're Chuck NorrisNo matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.Chuck Norris is The best a man can get.On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still-beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.Scientists believe the world began with the Big Bang. Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a bad case of gas.Chuck Norris let the dogs out.Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of the best damn espresso on Earth.", -"Chuck Norris invented the question mark.Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady...just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of ShakespeareChuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those some people are now dead.When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say Atchoo he says DIE EVERYONE!!!. That's what happens next.Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb", -If you have more pets than relatives you just might be a redneck., -Q - Why is there a big E on top of the standard eye chart at the optometrist's office?A - The reason is if there was a big O on the chart women would lie about seeing it., -"Q - What do barbed wire and a thong have in common?A - Both protect the property, but neither obstruct the view.", -Why do men pick their noses while driving?Because their butts are too hard to reach!, -"In prison, you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation. In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even. At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable. In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years. In prison, all your medical care is free. At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die. In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up. At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave. In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day. At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again? In prison, you get your own personal toilet. At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them. In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes. At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean. In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go. At home, you take everybody else where they need to go. In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing. At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar. In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't. At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?", -"Once upon a time, there was a tribe of very hostile Indians who, upon catching a person on their land, would cut the person up and make a canoe out of them. One day, three men were walking through the woods when they wandered upon the canoe-making Indian's land. They were all caught and given one death wish. The man from Italy said, I would like one last slice of pizza before I die. So he ate his pizza and was cut up and made into a canoe. The man from America said, I would like one last hamburger before I die. So he ate his hamburger and was cut up and made a canoe. The last man asked for a fork. What the hell - a fork??!!! Why the hell do you want a fuckin fork??? But they got him a fork, anyways. The man took the fork and began stabbing himself with it, saying, YER NOT MAKIN A CANOE OUT OF ME!!!", -"When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.", -"There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground! The farmer looked puzzled and replied, What's time to a pig?", -"The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten. Johnny, the teacher asked, where is the decimal point now? On the eraser! came back the quick reply.", -"Ralph's father said, Let me see your report card. Ralph replied, I don't have it. Why not? His father asked. My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.", -"Kevin attended a horse auction with his father, watching as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Kevin asked, Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Looking worried, Kevin said, Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!", -"Phillip's teacher asks him, Can you name the Great Lakes? Phillip, always fast with an answer, pipes up with, I don't need to. They've already been named.", -Mary had a little lamb!The doctor fainted!, -Q :whats the best thing about children?A :making them!!, -"Yo momma is so old, that she cooked the last supper!", -Yo Momma is so ugly that even Ripley's couldn't believe it!, -Knock knock.Who's there?You!You who?What are you so happy about?, -"A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach. The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder.", -"Like I said before, I never repeat myself.", -"A man comes home after a party drunk. When he interrogates his wife about who she is, she replies, I'm your wife! Did you forget me?The man says, Sorry, drinking makes me forget my pain.", -I'm so bad my imaginary friend left me., -Why did the piece of gum cross the road?Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!, -Do you know why there are no Wal-Marts in Iraq? Because there are so many Targets., -"An engine driver was taken to court because he derailed a train.The judge asked, Why did you derail the train?The engine driver replied, A man ran in front of the tracks.The judge replied, You are a fool. You derailed a train and killed hundreds of people just because of one man, you should have killed him by running the train over him.The driver replied, I tried to, but before I could run the train over him he moved away from the tracks so I just turned the train to run the train over him!!", -"A man asked a woman,Will you marry me?The woman replied,No.They both lived happily ever after!", -you've ever called the towtruck on yourself because you couldn't afford gas., -"What 3 words are in the name Amanda?A, man, DUH!!", -You might be a redneck if you wore a jumper to your prom., -You might be a redneck if your swimsuit is your bra and underwear., -"My 4 year old brother just had a birthday. At his birthday party he invited all his friends and a clown for the entertainment. The clown didn't have too many options for entertaining 4 year olds, so he figured a nice game of Simon Says would be fun. Simon says, 'Point to your nose.'The children all do it and he continues.Simon says, 'Point to your head.'Again they all do.Sit down.All those who sat down are out.Simon says, 'Point to your lip.'Trying to end this silly game and go on with his pathetic life,Point to your eye.OWWWWW!!! Yep. They lost.", -Why was the baby ant afraid of his uncles?Because his uncles were all ants!, -"One day Socrates is walking down the road and sees his old friend Uripedes carrying a pair of pants.Socrates says Hi, Uripedes Uripidees says I sure did, Usodes?", -How do you say constipated in German?farfrompoopin, -Yo momma so stupid she brought the jigsaw puzzle back to the store because she thought it was broken!, -"Once, there were three young men named Poop, Manners and Shutup, and one day they were riding their bikes when Poop fell off his bike, so Manners went to help Poop, while Shutup went to the police.When Shutup arrived at the police station, he said, Quick! My friend fell off his bike!So the police said, Let's start at the beginning. What's your name? then Shutup said, Shutup But the police didn't understand, so he said, Where's your manners? Shutup said Picking up Poop!", -"There was a child named Laura. She asked her mom what the hardest report she ever had to do was. Her mom said, It was to write an essay on the belly of a frog. Laura said, Wow!!How did you get the frog in to the typewriter?", -"Once,there was a teacher and a girl named Wendy.The teacher asked for Wendy to say a sentence starting with the word I. So wendy started to say I is....Then the teacher said, No Wendy, it is I am. So Wendy said, I am the ninth letter if the alphabet.", -Why did the husband ask the wife before they were married to find her own friends for life?Because like most marriages he knows they will hate each other one day and she will need help from her friends or she commit suicide., -If you were a boy and your parents named you dick.Wouldn't you be embarassed and change your name officially?, -Now I lay me down to sleepWith the boy across the streetWon't my mommy be surprised When my tummy starts to riseWon't my daddy be disgustedWhen he finds my cherry's busted., -A boy go to a girls house and notice her home is very messy and full of paper and clay pot and clothing all over. The boy tell her he bring some pot to her and she answer there is clay pot all over home., -Yo Momma is so dumb everytime she hears a car horn she yells Happy New Year!, -Yo Momma's so fat they show IMAX movies on her butt!, -"A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, He drinks it, and 5 minutes later orders another. This goes on for 2 hours straight, the guy ordering a beer every 5 minutes or so. After 2 hours the guy has had 24 beers and is pretty drunk.The bartender looks at the guy and says, How did you do that/The guy responds, It's no problem. You just chug 'em back.Bartender; Not the drinking part, I mean how did you drink 24 beers without going to the bathroom?The guy says, Depends", -"Why is marriage so much like a tornado?At first there is a lot of huffing and blowing, in the end someone loses their house.", -Why did the kid like the bowl of carrots and peas?Because he could eat every carrot and pea in the bowl., -"If a guy is a chick magnet, and opposites attract, doesn't that make him gay?", -"10) Hum or sing when ever possible.9) Always chew with your mouth open.8) Pretend to fly around the room.7) Have fights with your imaginary friends.6) At school, fall asleep in every class.5) When people turn around, make faces.4) Scream every 10 minutes.3) Tell every one you have a twin and then pretend to be the twin. 2) Say, 'I don't know.' when you are asked a question, no matter what the question is.1) Tap your pencil on every surface.", -"You momma is so stupid, she went to the Clippers game to get a haircut!", -A blond in a mathematics test encountered this problemFind XThis was her answeri i \ i \ 14.6578i \ i \ X________ Here it is i \ i \ i \ i \ i_________\ 12.76, -You Might Be a Redneck if you have a pond full of gasoline and a car wreck in the bottom of it., -"A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.Are you my doctor? he asked.Yes, I am.The baby said, Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.He looked at his mother and asked, Are you my mother?Yes, I am, she said.Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born, he said.He then looked at his father and asked, Are you my father?Yes, I am, his father answered.The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying,I want you to know thatTHAT HURTS!", -"Go to this website ... I know some people might say that this isn't a joke, but it's really funny if you go to the website. Trust me. http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html It doesn't have any viruses.", -"Go to this website ... I know some people might say that this isn't a joke, but it's really funny if you go to the website. Trust me. It doesn't have any viruses.http://home.comcast.net/wolfand/", -"I went to a money-making seminar. This man had so much bling he sparkled. I could tell he knew how to make money. He was telling the story of how he worked his way up the corporate ladder from a lowly mail boy, to cubicle, to corner office, to the president of his own very successful business. He went on to tell the whole process of sucking up to the bosses and such. Anyway the way he made most of his money was with his own business. It wasn't persay the way he ran it but the idea behind it. He mass producted one product but sold it as two. He made long rubber open ended cylinders and sold them as a box of 12 condoms for $6 and he sold a bag of balloons for $3.The man was a genius...pure genius...", -Why don't elephants smoke?Their butts don't fit in the ash tray, -"An older couple are playing in the annual golf club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses; they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, I can't believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'willy'. The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, Yes dear, but it was much harder!", -"Reasons why high school english teachers retire early.Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:1.Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2.His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.3.He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.4.She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.5.She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6.Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.7.He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.8.The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. 9.The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.10.McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.11.From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.12.Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.13.The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.14.Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 15.They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.16.John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 17.He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.18.Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.19.Shots rang out, as shots are known to do. 20.The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, his plan just might work.21.The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 22.He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.23.The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 24.It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.25.He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.26.Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. 27.She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.28.It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.", -"Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds. Why don't you just leave him then? asked her friend. Oh! Not yet. the first replied, I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first.", -"Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. I know that smart aleck Tex, said the first. He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back. Not Tex, the second cowboy replied. He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello. I know Tex better than either of you, said the third. He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now. Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, Audi, partners!", -"AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented All Un-informed Drivers Insulted All Unnecessary Devices Installed BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGE Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FORD Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fast Only Rolling Downhill GM General Maintenance GMC Garage Man's Companion HONDA Had One Never Did Again Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else. Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive? MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day. Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment SAAB Send Another Automobile Back TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object VW Virtually Worthless", -What does a horny ghost say to scare people?BOO...BS!, -"Once, my parents were driving, and they wanted a cup of tea, so they drove to a cafe. When they ordered, a horse walked in and sat at the table across from them. The horse then ordered a cup of coffe. My parents thought it was a bit strange, so they asked the waitress if this was normal, and the waitress said, No, he usually orders lemonade.", -"1) pretendyoudontknowwhatthespacebaris2) no caps or puncuation at all seriously it really annoys people3) Abb. or shorten evry othr wrd it wrks rly wel4) UsE cApS oN aNd OfF lIkE tHiS5) 13375) maik rly stoopid spelng mistaiks liek dis6) Waste peoples' time.7) Feing lost of tyops 8) TYPE IN ALL CAPS IT ANNOYS PEOPLE9) N vwls. 10) Capitalize Every Word Lots Of People Do It And It Really Works11) 1337. s3R10u5Y. D0 u N0 -0\/\/ mUc- 17 4N0y5 pp 1F u U53 17 1n c0njUnC710N \/\// c-475p33K? 12) Act like a 3 year old.13) Call everyone Honey or Dear as in, Sorry, dear, but we can't do anything about it. or Don't worry, Hun, it won't help to do that14) Ask a whole bunch of questions and don't answer any.15) Subsitute a hole lot of stuff liek 2to, two, too or 4for. Use your imagination.16) Srcmbale up all yuor wrods but keep the frist and lsat the smae. D'not wrory, ppeole can raed it.18) Leav of leters likk dis19) Try to mimic an accent. Hard, but it makes your posts hard to read.20) Try to start a debate.21) Get two accounts and pretend to be two different people.22) Using your two accounts, try to debate with yourself.23) Try to debate with yourself using only one account.24) Use a whole lot of equations to try and explain yourself.25) Insult people.26) Say You know? or y'know? or You know what I mean? a whole lot.27) Be reduncdant. Really reducdant.28) Repeat yourself.29) Repeat yourself.30) Use that second account to repeat yourself.31) Use that second account to stalk yourself.32) Brag about things you obviously don't have.33) Brag about things other people have and you don't. Act as if that's a good thing.34) Seriously, use 11. It wastes people's time, and 35) Keep refering back to stuff you said before and make people scroll up a whole lot to find them.36) Ha! Did I trick ya? Did you scroll up?37) Use a whole lot of smilies. Like :P :D xD xP :/ C ) Make up false equations. Like Me U Pfft.39) Make bodily function noises. I.E. - Burp, fart, snore, sneeze, cough.40) Put together a whole lot of the ones on this list.41) Numbers 1 and 2 go together well.42) When typing a list like this, put in a whole bunch of pointless fluff.43) Abb. things that aren't usually abb'ed 44) Numbers 3 and 5 gp well too.45) Did you fall for either of those two?46) Dang.47) Leave out numbers in lists. Point it out 20 numbers later. I.E. I left out 1748) Keep putting in stuff that's totally unrelated.49) Like so.50) Put in lots of examples. Especially if you're teaching someone to be annoying online. It annoys your readers, and that's the first step!! 3", -What's the difference between a wife and a prostitute?Prostitute is cheaper!, -"I am sure everyone has heard the saying If it ain't broke, don't fix it.Well, I have improved on this saying so that it applies to my life, and here it is.If it ain't broke, it ain't ours!", -"A woman goes to a new bar at the top of a skyscraper and over by the counter she sees an attractive man. She keeps her eye on him as she orders a drink, and she sees the man take a shot and jump out the window.She's so shocked she can't speak, but moments later he walks back into the bar. He goes back to the counter, orders another shot, takes it and jumps out the window. Sure enough moments later he walks back into the bar again, completely unharmed.She walks over to him and says, I've been watching you, and I've got to ask what is going on. We're thirty stories up! He leans over and passes her a shot, If you take a shot of this, you can fly. So she takes the shot, jumps out the window, and plummets to her death.The bartender looks over and says Superman, you're a real asshole when you drink.", -"Bill and Bob were mischievous brothers. They always picked fights with each other. One day, their mother told them to go outside and play, but to remember to be good. Suddenly, Bob came running back in and said, Mommy! Mommy! Bill broke Ms. Allen's window!Ms. Allen was their next door neighbor. Their mom was shocked. Tell me, Bob. How did Bill break her window?Bob puffed out his chest and said accusingly, I threw a rock at him and he dodged!", -"On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said, Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back? To which the farmer replied, Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!", -"TRUE STORYI was working in a restaurant for several years.On a very busy night, I was helping out with the seating. I showed seats to a party of four and when I went to give them the menus, I realised we only had one menu left. As I placed the menu in front of one of them and told the other three that I would get them menus soon, they began laughing.They told me that the woman that I gave the menu to was blind!", -"TRUE STORYMy first job was working in an office at my cubicle. Unfortunately, they put me on the floor with a bunch of pranksters.While I was doing my work, I saw one a co-worker with a funnel down his pants, trying to catch a coin with it, for fun. He would throw the coin in the air, and then catch it with the funnel. I found this very interesting, so when it was lunch break, I asked them if I could try it. The co-worker handed me a funnel and coin, and told me to put the funnel down my pants, and down my underpants if I wanted. I put it down my pants, and started playing. I caught the coin a couple of times, and I continued for a while. The co-worker left to get cold water to drink, and when he came back to me, he accidentally tripped and fell, purposely putting the cup into the funnel, which travelled down to my underwear. He began laughing really hard, because my it looked like I'd peed myself.I had to work like that for the rest of the day, and everyone got their little laugh throughout that time.", -"After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, Mom and Dad announced to their grown children that they're getting a divorce. The kids were totally distraught and, as a stab at keeping their parents together, arranged a series of sessions for the whole family with a world-famous marriage counselor. The counselor worked for hours, tried all of his methods and tricks, but the parents wouldn't even talk to each other. Finally, he walked over to a closet, brought out an oboe, and began to play. After a minute or so, the parents started talking and, as the counselor continued soloing on the oboe, the couple discovered they're not that far apart and decided to give their marriage another try. The children were amazed and asked the counselor how he managed to do it. He replied, Simple. I've never seen a couple that wouldn't talk through an oboe solo.", -"You're so covered in dirt that if you wanted to eat a tootsie roll, you'd have to wear white gloves to keep from biting your finger!", -"Roses are red, violets are blue, If I can use technology, why can't you?The sky is blue, the grass is green, why is your brain as small as a lima bean?Your humorous, funny, have OCD, How come you can't use technology without me?I love you, I love you, I really do, but roses are red and violets are blue.", -'How long will the next bus be?''About eighteen feet.', -"Jesus walks into an inn puts 3 nails on the counter and asks, Can you put me up for the night?", -"An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed options with his doctor. The doctor said, We have three possible donors. The first is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The third is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?I'll take the attorney's heart, said the patient.After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.It was easy, said the patient, I wanted a heart that hadn't been used.", -What kind of triangle is never wrong???A right triangle!!!!!!!, -What kind of trouble does a five foot man have???Five feet!!!, -Yo Momma's so fat she's fatter than you, -"Yo momma is so dark, she's not afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of her.", -"Yo mama is so stupid, on Halloween she looked ouside the window and said, Oh, no! and called the Ghost Busters.", -"Your momma is so fat, your dad rolled on her and never came off.", -"Yo Momma is so fat, the only reason she wanted to go to space was to taste the Milky Way.", -Where do fish keep their money?In a riverbank!, -What do you call a a bunch of fish swimming in the sky??A High School!!!, -Yo momma so fat and stupid that I told her to show me a pushup and she brought me one from the Ice Cream Man., -"Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?No, how was that?He had a right ear,a left ear,and a wild frontier.", -Where do the monsters go when they lose a hand?To the second-hand shop., -What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?Unlawful is against the law. Illegal is a sick bird., -"Knock, knock.Who's there?Isabel.Isabel who?Is-a-bel ringing? I thought I heard one.", -"Yo mama so fat, when she breast-fed you, you drank bacon grease.", -"What did Puffy say when Ben asked him about J-LO ? Take that, take that", -How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?None. Wizards don't use lightbulbs!, -What math term tells what acorns say when they are a tree???Geometry!!, -Your dad is Santa Claus and your mom is A HO HO HO!, -"-Knock Knock!-Who's there?-You know.-You know who?-Thats right, avada kedavra!", -"I love it when you go down on me... you relieve so much tension and stress... but when you're making me feel really good, you come back up...Stupid gas prices...", -"The other day I went to a zoo, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a shihtzu.", -Yo momma's so fat she should get cingular on her stomach so she can get rollover minutes., -"Paddy:- Hello, is that 77 77 77? Can you call 911, my finger is stuck in the 7", -Why should you have only one egg for breakfast? Because un oeuf is enough!, -BuckFush, -"I don't believe in reincarnation, which is strange, because in a previous existence, I did.", -"You used to have two brains.One you lost a long time ago, and the other one went looking for it!", -Yo Momma's so poor she had to save up to pay attention!, -"Yo momma so fat and stupid, when she stepped on the scale she went running to me saying Look! Look! The scale talks! I dropped my purse onto it to test this theory and it said, hI in the area where the numbers usually show up. Yo momma said, See!? When I stepped on it, it said, 'hELLO!' I told her, The scale's upside-down.", -What is the secret of success?push said the doorbellnever be lead said the pencilTake panes said the windowalways keep cool said the icenever lose your head said the drummake light of everything said the firebe sharp in all your dealings said the knifefind a good thing and stick to it said the glue, -Good luck turns into bad luck when you call the credit card company to tell them they made a mistake on your bill..... and they agree because they didn't charge you enough.Good luck turns into bad luck when the cutest boy rings you up.... then apologies because he dialed the wrong number., -"Waiter, why is my food all mushed up?-Well, you did ask me to step on it.Waiter, these eggs are bad.-Don't blame me. I only laid the table.Waiter, is there soup on my menu?-No, I wiped it off.", -"Whats faster than a speeding bullet, more powerfull than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings and has a carpark?Super market", -"University scientists have released the results of a recent analysis that reveals the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. It turns out that the hops in beer contain certain phyto-estrogens, and scientists believe that be drinking enough beer, men may turn into women. In the study, 100 male volunteers were asked to drink 8 pints of beer in one hour. The results were observed and recorded. At the end of one hour, every single subject had developed female characteristics and the test was terminated. The data is provided below:After one hour, 100% of the test subjects:1. gained weight.2. talked excessively without making sense.3. became overly emotional.4. couldn't drive.5. failed to think rationally.6. argued over nothing.7. had to sit down while urinating.8. refused to apologize when obviously wrong.After these eight symptoms, no further testing was necessary.", -"This is a certified true story.One of the instructors at the local training centre decided to try to pull the leg of one the labourers who worked there.He told the lad, who lived in a little fishing port about 12 miles away, that there was a job coming available soon in his home town.The lad asked what job this was, and was told that the job was not very arduous, but paid good money because it involved unsocial hours, going out to the end of the 679 meter pier twice a day and telling the tide when it was time to come in.You must think I'm soft, he said, and the boys thought he'd twigged, only for him to restore their faith in his stupidity -That sort of job is handed down from father to son; I've no chance,he says!", -"There is a very simple way to explain the theory of mind over matter.Once you lose you mind, nothing matters.", -Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.Man with face in toilet is shit faced.Man who fools around with neighbour's wife at wrong time of month get caught red handed.Man who fart in church sit in own pew., -How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!, -"A complex is a phobia.A complex is a large building.A complex is another word for complicated.So if you have a phobia about complicated large buildings, you might be said to have a complex complex complex.", -"3 guys are driving down the road and realize that they all have to use the bathroom very badly. They come around a corner and see a sign Green Gables next right. So thye take the right turn and come up to Green Gables, they all jump out of the car and run insode to see if they can use the washroom.They are greeted by a nice old lady who says sure they can use the washroom.The first guy runs up stairs and sits on the toilet and immediatley notices a hole in the floor at his feet with a table under it. All of a sudden he hears Hey Hey I'm the ghost of Green Gables lay your money on the tables. He grabs all his money and throws it down the hole and runs back down stairs. When he gets there he tries to tell his friend but he does not listen and runs up to the washroom. Sure enough the guy hears a voice Hey Hey I'm the ghost of Green Gables lay you money on the tables. He throws his money down the hole and runs down stairs and tries to tell the third guuy who does not listen.The third guy runs up the stairs and sits on the toilet and hears a voice Hey Hey I'm the ghost of Green Gables lay your money on the tables. The guy just sits there, five minutes later the chant comes again Hey Hey I'm the ghost of Green Gables lay your money on the tables. The guy stands up and yells down the hole HEY HEY I'M THE GHOST OF DAVEY CROCKET AND MY MONEY'S STAYING IN MY DAMN POCKET!!", -It must suck being a penis because-1. Your best friends are nuts2. Your closest neighbour is an asshole3. You vomit when you're excited4. Your owner abuses youAnd if you're in the mood-5. You work double-duty on Tuesday., -What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?Dam!, -yo mamma is so thin when she turns sidways she dissapears, -How do the chinese get their names?Their parents kick a can down the street...ching chang chung bing...., -What did the fish say when he crashed into a wooden wall?Beaver damn!, -What do you do if you find your old man staggering around the backyard?Shoot him again!!!, -"Your face is so ugly, we're going to war over it.", -"Your face is so oily, we're going to war over it.", -your mom is like paris hilton ... a dirty whore, -Why didn't the chicken cross the road?To prove he was chicken!, -"Yo momma is so poor, when I went to her house to use the bathroom, she told me to pick a corner.", -"Your floor is so dirty, I stepped inside and said Nice carpet. You said, Man, those are cockroaches!", -One time I went school shopping... AND BOUGHT THREE SCHOOLS!!!, -"Yo momma is so cheap, she went to McDonalds and put a hamburger on lay-away.", -"Yo momma's breath smells so bad, her teeth packed up and left.", -"If you work without a shirt on, and so does your husband, you might be a redneck.", -"Yo momma is so stupid, she jumped out the window and fell up.", -"Yo momma is so fat, I got stuck in her shadow.", -"Bloke stayed up all night, wondering where the sun had gone; then it dawned on him.", -Q:How many egotists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A:Just one. He holds up the lightbulb while the rest of the world revolves around him., -"My home town is so small, we have part-time village idiot.", -"Yo momma is like a lollipop, she is round and has been licked by everyone", -"Yo momma is so stupid, she thought Fruit Punch was a gay boxer", -"Yo Momma is so dumb, she was on her way to the airport and saw a sign that said, Airport Left so she turned around and went home", -"Yo Momma is so stupid, she has a peep hole in the glass door!", -"Yo momma is so short, she stepped in a puddle and drowned.", -"Yo momma is so poor, she has never seen 50 cent--and ! ain't talkin about the rapper!", -"It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.Well, answered the priest, that's not a sin.But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed. I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause. Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question... What is that, my son? Do I have to tell him the war is over?", -"Yo momma is so poor, she reuses her toilet paper.", -"Yo momma is so fat, on her drivers' license it says, picture continued onto other side.", -"She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. -She tripped over the cordless phone. -She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.-She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.-At the bottom of the application where is says Sign here, she wrote Sagittarius.-If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.-When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved. -She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night. -She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said Concentrate.", -"Yo momma is so hunchbacked, she has to wear safety goggles when she pees.", -"Yo momma is so fat, she wore an X-Files T-shirt and a helicopter landed on her.", -"Yo momma is so stupid, she got fired from an MM factory for throwing away all the W's.", -Yo momma is so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!, -"Yo momma is so fat, she fell over trying to rock herself to sleep and couldn't get back up.", -"Yo Momma is so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone.", -Yo momma so dumb she asked for a price check at the .99 cent store!, -The sky was dark The moon was high We were alone Just she and I Her hair was brown Her eyes were too I knew just what She wanted to do So with my courage I did my best And placed my hand Upon her breast I trembled and shook And felt her heart Slowly she spread Her legs apart I knew she was ready But I didn't know how It was my first try At milking a cow, -What do you call a lonely fisherman? A Master-Baiter, -"Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.", -What do you call an elephant chasing a cat? Depends on what his name is....., -"Once, I was walking along our road and saw a man who appeared to be very old and well-lived sitting in a rocking chair. Surely, I thought, this man had all the answers. So I asked, How did you live to such a healthy old age?He said, I do lots of drugs, eat lots of sugars and fats, I smoke, and I never exercise.Wow, I said, how old are you again??I'm 22.", -"I heard some guys talking about you yesterday. One said that you weren't fit to sleep with pigs, but I stuck up for you; I said you were!", -What's green and turns red at the touch of a button?A frog in a liquidizer!, -"There was a family of gnus, and one day, Mr Gnu went out to get some food but was ambushed and eaten by a pride of lions.Next salute, a poacher shoots Mrs Gnu, leaving poor Baby Gnu to starve to death.Well, that's the end of the gnus; here's the weather . . .", -"Money may not grow on trees, but it would seem as if morons like you certainly do.", -"A ninety-year-old couple was going to bed, and the old lady was feeling romantic. She said to her husband, I remember, when we were younger, how you used to hold my hand at night. Grumbling under his breath, her husband reached over and held her hand. Shortly after, she said, I remember how, when we were younger, you kissed me every night before we went to sleep. Really getting ticked off, the husband gave her a quick peck on the cheek. Then she said, I remember how, when we were younger, you used to bite my neck. Angrily, the man threw the covers off of himself and stormed out of the room Surprised, the woman called after him asking what he is doing. Going to get my teeth! he replied.", -"How do you make a cat sound like a dog?Pour petrol on him and set him on fire, and he'll go WOOF!", -Your Mom's so old that she was alive when the Raiders had both eyes., -Life is like a dick... when it gets hard fuck it!, -"Many of the trees and rainforests are being cut down. So in effort the B.H.O.A. made a slogan,Save a treeBurn a bush Bush as in former president", -"Yo momma is so fat, it takes 20 navy ships just to get her half way across the ocean, and they run out of gas. Then she farts and goes around the world 2 times.", -"A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four.Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.This time the husband crosses his fingers and says Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!.Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!", -"Yo momma so skinny, when it's pouring outside, she can dodge the raindrops", -Yo Momma's so stupid she went to McDonalds and thought she could buy the whole menu for a $, -"Yo mama is so fat, when God said let there be light, he asked your mom to move over.", -"1. Walk to your neighbor's house and ask in your best British accent, May I borrow a cup of pants?2. Go over to a friend's house, take off your shirt, put on one of theirs and leave.3. When a telemarketer calls, say, Welcome to Hell! Satan speaking, how may we reap your soul today?4. Randomly say quotes from the movie Anchorman out of context.5. Wake up really early. Sneak into your neighbor's house, get the newspaper, brew up some coffee, make breakfast, and wait for him to see you. Then scream and promptly exclaim, What are you doing in my house?!?!?!", -"The old Lord of the Manor was finally on his death-bed, and had called his servants to his bed-side.To his butler, he said, Jeeves, you have been with me now for nearly 40 years, and for your loyal service I shall leave you Ashley Hall, with its 74 rooms, and a 100% pension. Thank you, your lordship, said Jeeves.Turning to the house-keeper, Jurby, you have been in my employ for 25 years, and for your excellent running of the house, I leave you Grantley Hall with its 42 rooms, and a 75% pension. Thank you, your lordship, said Jurby.Finally, he turned to the chauffeur, Parker, you have been with me now for 6 months, and in that time you have crashed my 1912 Rolls Royce, blown up the engine in the Le Mans-winning 1928 Bentley, and got the maid pregnant. I'm leaving you bugger all.Thank you, your lordship; and how many rooms does that have?", -A British girl recently moved to the United States and their home was near the Colorado River in Texas.The English teacher asked the kids to write about their home and neighborhood. The British girl wrote My home is near the Colourado River. as part of her work., -"Andy was a staunch Republican, while Mary was Democrat through and through. They met at a political rally, and spent many hours arguing back and forth, until eventually love blossomed, and they got married.On the wedding night, however, as many of their friends had prophesied, they argued.Turning their backs on each other, they went to sleep; but about 3 in the morning - I'm sorry, Andy. There's been a split in the Democrat Party, and if the Republican member stood now, he'd get in with no problem.Too late, the Republican member stood as an Independent, and lost his deposit!", -"An elderly lady went to a butcher's shop one day, and noticed that on the liver in the window were two white balls.Being of a curious nature, she asked what these white balls might be, to be told that they were golf balls, and that placing them on the liver kept them supple.She returns the following week, when there were four of these white balls lying on the liver.So you've shot another golfer, then?", -There once was a man from RangoonWhose farts could be heard on the moon;When you'd least expect 'emThey'd burst from his rectumWith the force of a raging typhoon!!, -"Yo momma is so ghetto, both she and her dog have weave.", -101 Hot 'n' Spicy Meals by Tung Payne, -A fortune teller escaped from prison and became a small medium at large., -"Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat minor.", -Have you ever noticed people who cough/sneeze/do just about anything they can to spread their germs to everyone and everywhere? Well basically their theory is make germs like forwards. Try to get them around the world in 40 days or less. Lets try to get rid of these people rather then the avian virus before there is an epidemic. So to all those classmates who sit behind you and refuse to covertheir mouths-Good day to you all. In the words of Tiny Tim and to all a good night., -Yo momma is such a whore... She gets more ass than a toilet seat!, -What is green and yellow and eats nuts?GONORRHEA, -"Yo Momma so fat, when she fell on the ground, I tried not to laugh, but the ground was cracking up!", -"Tommy the Hedgehog was one of a rare sub-division which suffered a small but significant genetic defect.This defect manifested itself in a malformed penis, which divided into four branches; though a little unusual, it was a good way to meet a lot of intrigued girl hedgehogs, so Tommy was a rather proud of this abnormality.One peculiarity of his family was the way that he slept; curled up in a ball, lying on his back, and it was while taking a nap one day that he felt a terrible pain in the genital region.He jumped up to see his penis disappear down the throat of a large cat.What the HELL are you playing at? shouted Tommy; I'm awfully sorry, replied the cat, it's just that I'm a four-point tool eater jaguar.", -"Three friends decided to check out a room in a hotel, but before the man gave them their key he said, In your room there is a window. If you jump out of it while wishing something outloud your wish will come true.The three friends raced to their room, the first guy jumped out and said, I wish for a big pile of money! and landed in one. The second guy wished for a group of cheerleaders that would love him. He jumped out and landed in their arms. The third guy got a running start, tripped over the window frame and said, Crap! Let's just say he went back to wish for lots and lots of soap.", -"Yo Momma so hairy, she got afros around her nipples!", -"This issue has been on my mind a lot lately. The lives of the innocent destroyed for the belief that they are mistakes. Many say that they're inadequate and that they deserve to be sent away. I'm sure they have feelings, too, though!Sometimes I can't eat or sleep because I think about them so much. It's such an injustice! They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Given no notice, they are swept right out of this world with such speed and are never heard from ever again.So many questions cloud my thoughts. How do they feel? Are they frightened or angry? Are they cold, lost and hungry? But the one question that I cannot find the answer to is:What happens to those poor letters who get deleted?!?!?!", -"Never have lunch with a chess player - I did once; there was a checkered tablecloth, and it took him half an hour to pass me the salt.", -"The pub landlord was delighted with the little puppy that he'd acquired, and the little puppy was very pleased with his new home.He'd run around the place, just a bundle of energy - very inquisitive, examining this, looking into that, non-stop all day, until the inevitable happened and he caught his tail in a fast-closing door and lost it!Time passed, and as one human year equals seven dog years, eventually he went to dog-heaven, for an endless supply of dog biscuits, walks in paradise - well, you couldn't call it a dog's life!However, he felt incomplete, and one night around midnight, he went back in his ghostly form to ask to be made whole again.Sorry, said the landlord, you know very well I can't retail spirits after hours.", -"There was a newlywed couple on their honeymoon in Antarctica. The bride asks her husband to gather berries; the husband asked, Why do you want berries; we are in Antartica? She replied with, I was just wondering if you would and if your penis shriveled, because my nipples are hard and if your penis does shrivel, I can heat it up in my vagina when you got back.The husband ran out looking for berries. When he came back she asked, What took you so long?He then said, Can we fuck now or what?She said as long as you're not frost bit.So they went up to their room and started kissing furiously; the next thing he knew, she was giving him the greatest head he had ever gotten. Then he laid her down on the bed and the heat of his breath on her thighs made her moan. Then they started making love furiously, all of a sudden someone bursts through the door and said, Honey, why are you fucking my twin? she was speechless.The husband's twin then replies, I was just making sure she was good enough for you, and she passed. p.s.The husband and his twin are blonds.", -Grey hair is hereditary - you get it from your kids., -"Your Momma is so poor, when i picked up a penny she said You owe me my paycheck.", -"Yo momma so old, when she was a kid the rainbows were black and white.", -What's the difference between a sock and a camera?One takes five toes and one takes photos., -"If this offends anyone, PM me.You know you're a Mexican when...1. Someone related to you has their name tattooed anywhere on their body.2. Your family goes to the flea market in their Sunday's best.3. Your birthday doesn't have cake, candy, and Coca-Cola but has fajitas, chicken, and tequila.4. When you've seen your uncle wearing your new clothes.5. Your favorite music is not rap, rock, pop, or oldies, but instead, Tejano.", -"My wife is so house-proud, we live next door.", -"In a recent survey, 4% of men preferred fat legs; 6% preferred skinny legs; while 90% preferred something in between.", -E.T phone home! That must be one hell of a phone bill, -"Look at those ears! You have so much wax, that if I stuck a wick in there you would sing Happy Birthday!", -"Two prostitutes moved to a new town, and on their first Sunday, went to church.One of the girls was quite proud of her singing; the other felt she couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, so was quiet.After one desultory hymn, the priest berated the congregation, Quite clearly, there are some who are singing, and some who are not. Can we please have a more concerted effort for the other hymns?One whisper to her friend, My word, how did he know about us so quickly?", -What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?Dyouthinkhesaurus, -"A red-head heard there was a party being held, but when she arrived, they wouldn't let her in - it was a fancy-dress party!Disappointed but determined, she left, only to return shortly requesting admission.She was wearing only a pair of red gloves and a pair of red shoes and when she was asked what her fancy dress was, she stood with hands raised and said, I'm the five of hearts, of course!", -"Guy goes into a drug store and asks for deodorant.Assistant says, Aerosol or ball-type? to which he replies, Neither, it's for under my arms.", -"Knock, knockWho's there? Some. Some who? Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes.", -"A high school teacher had become very annoyed. Very few of his students paid attention to him during class. This wouldn't be so bad if not for the fact that they were always brought in their iPods and CD players and pretended like they weren't in school. The teacher was fed up with scolding his students, assigning detentions, and confiscating the music devices. One day, he came up with, what he thought to be, a wonderful solution.In the morning after all of the students filed in and sat down, and after the teacher walked around plucking headphones off of them, he called their attention.Class, he said with a pretentious smirk on his face, I've noticed that you all love music so much. I'm sure that I would enjoy hearing that which holds your attention all day, it must be fantastic. So from now on, when I catch someone listening to a music device, as a punishment, he or she will have to stand in front of the class and sing whatever they're listening to. And yes, that does include instrumental music.A voice in the back of the class piped up, Trust me, if you make us sing, that'll be more of a punishment for you!", -"There once was a man from Nantucket,Whose cock was so long he could suck it,Said he with a grin,As he wiped off his chin,If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!", -"Two elderly priests and a young novitiate were at the railway station to buy train tickets to Pittsburgh.The young lady selling tickets was very pretty, and was wearing a rather low-cut dress which showed her ample mammaries to great advantage.The novitiate approached the ticket booth and said, Three tickets to Tittsville, please. How dare you? remonstrated the ticket seller.The young novitiate blushes and retires in confusion, so one of the priests says, Allow me. Three pickets to Tittsburgh, and please may I have the change in nipples an dimes.He also retreats in embarrasment, so the eldest priest attempts to calm the now angry ticket seller.Three tickets to Pittsburgh, please, and you should cover up more than you are, or Saint Finger is going to shake his peter at you!", -"There once was a girl from Darjeeling,Who could dance with exquisite feeling,There wasn't a soundFor miles around,Except fly buttons hitting the ceiling!", -"John took Mary to the movies, and they both enjoyed the show very much.Afterwards, John asked Mary what she wanted to do; I want to get weighed, she said.He took her to a drugstore, where the machine said she weighed 107 pounds, but for the rest of the night she pouted and sulked.When they finally got to her house, John tried to kiss her, but she said, Go on home now, I've had a wowsy time.", -"I lent a friend of mine $5000 for plastic surgery.I can't get it back, because now I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!", -"Yo momma so fat, they took her x-ray and a picture of a McDonald's showed up on the screen.", -What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when he hits your windshield?His asshole!, -"Yo momma so fat, the little boy from THE SIXTH SENSE walked up to her and said Let me tell you my secret now...I see YOU...everywhere", -If I were to be pun-ish-edFor every little pun I shedI'd hide me to a punny shedAnd there I'd hang my punnish head., -Twas in a restaurant they metRomeo and JulietBut Romeo couldn't pay the billSo Romee-owed what Julie ate ., -"A girl goes to her doctor, because she's found some unusual green marks on her thighs.After the doctor has examined the marks, she asks the girl some questions so that she can determine the cause.Do you have a boyfriend? Yes.Can you describe him? Ok; he's tall, dark, and works at the fairground.So he's a traveller? Yes, he is; any problems?No, no. I do think his earrings may be made of brass, though.", -"Justin and Tarquin were having a wonderful time at the fairground, trying all the attractions, until they arrived at the carousel.Tarquin said, Let's go on this one, Justin. I'm tired right now, said Justin, you go ahead and I'll see you later.So Tarquin goes on the carousel, but after a few minutes, the the carousel collapses in a heap.Tarquin, Tarquin, are you all right? calls Justin.All right? Of course I'm not all right; seven times I went past you, and you didn't wave once!", -"The masked and armed man entered the bank.Nobody move, or you're geography! shouts the bandit.One of the tellers says, Don't you mean 'history'?Don't change the subject!", -Why do black people wear hats with such big bills?So birds don't shit on their lips, -"A pregnant woman was on a bus. As the bus was going along, the woman started to give birth. An off-duty doctor rushed to her side and started to help her. He shouted to the rest of the bus, Can someone help me? Then towards the back of the bus a blond got up and smashed the back window. The doctor turned to her and said, What did you do that for? The blond replied, Well it said on the window, In emergency, break glass.", -"A family was eating out at a restaurant. The waiter who had been standing by them said in quite an upset manner Well I guess I'm gonna go home, make myself a cold tuna sandwich, watch the news, and then cry myself to sleep again. The mother of the family looks at him in pity and says would you like to join us? The waiter shouts back, Did you not just hear me?! I have an evening planned!", -What's gray and comes in packets?Instant elephant.What's gray and comes in buckets?An elephant.What's gray and has a trunk?A mouse going on holiday.How do elephants hide in cherry trees?They paint their toe-nails red.How do elephants get down from cherry trees?Sit on a leaf and wait for fall.How do elephants hide in custard?Paint the soles of their feet yellow and hide upside down., -"An Englishman, an American and a Frenchman were discussing a good example of savoir-faire.Ok, said the Englishman, if you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you didn't kill him, that to me, is savoir-faire.Not quite, fellas, said the American. If you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you said, 'Please carry on', that's savoir-faire. Mais non, said the Frenchman. If you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you said, 'Please carry on', and he could, that's savoir-faire.", -"-- Coffee , the person upon whom one coughs. -- Flabbergasted , appalled over how much weight you have gained. -- Abdicate , to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. -- Esplanade , to attempt an explanation while drunk. -- Negligent , describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. -- Lymph , to walk with a limp. -- Gargoyle , olive-flavored mouthwash. -- Flatulence emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. -- Balderdash , a rapidly receding hairline. -- Oyster , a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'. -- Frisbeetarianism , The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.", -Yo Momma so fat you were born in the middle of the ocean!, -"Yo Momma's so big, the Apollo 13 crashed into her head, right before it landed on the moon! Maybe that explains why she's so stupid.", -"I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off? You ring up Jesus and say, Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again...? I'm cured?", -"In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece. When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has? Quick as a flash, the woman replied, Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!", -"The recent hurricane and gasoline issues helped prove existence of a new element. In early October a major research institution announced discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Government. Governmentium has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons. Since Gv has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Gv causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second! Gv has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Gv is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Gv becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Gv since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.", -"Yo Momma is so fat, that she goes to the zoo to see the elephants and they feed her!", -Why did the chicken cross the road?To get to the other side!!!, -yo momma so fat that people call her fat, -Yo momma so fat she has her own gravitational pull!!!, -"Money can't buy everything... but then again, neither can no money.", -"Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense. They should not put up such misleading notices, said Joe. It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE.", -gun, -"Our house, in the middle of my feet, Our house, which smells of cheesy feet,Our house, will always get defeat,Our house, will never eat those feet.That was a song I made up ha!!!!!! ha!!!!!! ha!!!!!! ha!!!!!!!", -"Yo momma so fat, she saw a Snickers commercial on TV...it said Hungry? Why wait?...so she ate the TV.", -Legs is the word - spread the word., -"Okay sooo.. I kinda stumbled across this word when I was actually at the sprint store with my x-boyfriend. He was talking about how he needed to get unlimited text messaging and I looked over with a very concerned look on my face and said, Yardy Yar! I believe everyone in the store was hysterical and looked at me as if I was some crazy redneck - it was hilarious.If you don't get it,it is supposed to sound like -You already are.It's actually pretty dang funny if you say it out loud!! haha", -Yo momma so fat she walked in front of the T.V and your dad missed the whole series of Lost, -"At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas. After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man. Say, is this really a healthy place? It sure is, the man replied. When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed. That's wonderful! said Bill. How long have you been here? I was born here.", -"Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,There were hackers a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet. The e-mails were stacked by the inbox with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens, While visions of Java danced in their dreams. My wife on the sofa and me with a snack, We just settled down at my rig . When out in the Web there arose such a clatter, I jumped to the site to see what was the matter. To a new page my Mac flew like a flash, Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash! I gasped at the thought and started to grouse, Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.When what to my wondering eyes should appear, My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear. When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick! More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came, Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name; Now Compaq! Now Acer! my speaker did reel; On Apple! On Gateway! Santa started to squeal!Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip! Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip! The screen gave a flicker, he was into my Ram, Then into my room rose a full hologram! He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes, Which were black . He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack! His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno! This ain't the same Santa that I used to know! With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head, Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke, And accessed my C drive with only a stroke. He defragged my hard drive, and added a Dimm, Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim! He worked without noise, his fingers they flew! He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo! He updated Office, Excel and Quicken, Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken! My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape, As he added the latest version of Netscape. The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased, St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased. Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose, Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros! He flew back into my screen and through my uplink, Back into the net with barely a blink. But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight, Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!", -Yo momma so fat she jumped of the Golden Gate bridge in San Fransisco and baptised England., -"It was the senior citizens' monthly bus trip, and the new driver, a great deal younger than their usual driver, a sedate 50-something, was careering down winding roads at quite a pace.The volunteer who was accompanying them was a little flustered, and with an embarrassed laugh, said to the old lady across the aisle, Some speed, eh, Mrs. Jones?I don't know about the others, she replied, but I certainly have!", -"hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhowkajdjfhemfkucwrhynktjhncskhxctmcqjkhrnwuemhvtwujhmdjkwvnhtfuckfuckfuckfucksfghehfjnhjzjyh,fmjnhvyjnhmynjhctjmnhcjygcnjrhtkfhgimkkjnhmkjnhgmnjhnjynb,j", -"Marigold, I'm sorry. I hacked into xizle's account 'cause I'm a stupid mother fuckin' piece of shit!!", -inkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinki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-DELETE THIS NOW!, -abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzpooonmarigoldabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz, -"I AM NOT A RACIST PERSON, I JUST FIND THIS FUNNY.There was once a rich pakistani. His name was Azif. ", -What do you call two thieves?A pair of knickers!, -i want to live in a big castle and to be a princess, -When does Saddam Hussein have his lunch?When Tariq Aziz., -"There was once a Chinese immigrant who came to England; he didn't know English, so he decided to learn some words by walking around the city of Nottsbourough. He walks into a nursery and all of the babies are shouting, Me, me! So he learns the word Me. He then walks into a restaurant and a boy screams, Knives and forks! He learns those two words as well. Finally, he walks into a video shop and he sees the television playing, Dunununununununununununu, BATMAN! He then learns that as well. Suddenly there is big commotion outside, and a policeman shouts, Who killed this man? The Chinese man walks out of the shop and shouts, Me! The policeman asks, What did you kill him with, then? The Chinese man shouts, Knives and forks. Then the policeman shouts in despair at him, Who the bloody hell do you think you are?! The Chinese man goes Dunununununununununununu, BATMAN! The policeman faints.", -What do you call a sheep with no eyes?A blind sheep , -yo mommma is so skinny when she went to the strip club they used her as the pole!, -"Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries? I asked. Have you tried WIFE? he replied.", -Betcha I can give up gambling!, -I am sure most people have heard of or watched the popular show the Ozbournes and still more people have Heard Ozzy sing.My question is how can Ozzy sing if he can't talk???, -"A sailor came home from his 5-year sea voyage, and had two bird-cages with him.He holds them up, and says to his wife, Do you want the parrot, or do you want the cockatoo?She replies, I'll have the parrot, I've had a cockatoo while you were away!", -"A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato, said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. No, said the farmer, I get a dime for a tomato like that one. The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, Will you take two pennies for that one? Yes, replied the farmer, I'll give you that one for two cents. OK, said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, I'll pick it up in about a week.", -Why did God make man first?Because he didn't want to be interrupted by woman!, -"I'll get a world record for this. It's fireproof. He's probably just hibernating. I'm making a citizen's arrest. So, you're a cannibal. Are you sure the power is off? Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it? I've seen this done on TV. These are the good kind of mushrooms. Let it down slowly. Rat poison only kills rats. Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town. It's strong enough for both of us. This doesn't taste right. Nice doggie. I've done this before. Well, we've made it this far. That's odd. Don't be so superstitious.", -"Two ships, one carrying lots of red paint, the other carrying lots of purple paint, crashed on a desert island.The drivers are now marooned.", -"Two friends were out shooting birds. A bird flew from behind a tree and quick as a flash one man shot it. It uttered a squawk, folded its wings and fell to the ground. The other man turned to him and said: You didn't need to shoot that bird. The fall would have killed it.", -"What's the difference between a leg and an egg?You can beat an egg up, but you can't beat a leg up!", -"This is a true story.This happened many years ago, and was told me by a man with spare time on his hands, who used to spectate in court to pass some of that spare time.Lawyer - You say you saw the defendant's car involved in a road accident at the junction of X and Y?Policeman - That is correct.L - And where were you at this time? P - At the junction of X and Z.L - So you were some 80 yards away when the incident occurred? P - Yes, I was.L, in incredulous accent - So you were 80 yards away, but you say you knew this vehicle had been involved in an accident? P - Yes.L - Then please tell the court how you knew this vehicle went through a red light? P - Because the light that I could see was green.L, triumphantly - Ah, but how did you know that it had been in an accident? P - Because it went past on its roof.", -"When you were born, God admitted that even he sometimes made mistakes!", -What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Straight through the rib cage. Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure., -What's worse than taking a bite out of an apple and finding a worm?Finding half a worm!, -"If it is dry - moisten.If it is moist - dry.Congratulations, you are now a dermatologist.What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.", -"A man was filling out a job application form.Whe he came to the question, Have you ever been arrested? he wrote No.Not realising that the next question was only for people who answered Yes, he wrote Never been caught.A bank manager was interviewing candidates for a cashier's post, and was down to the last two people.One was a nice young man, but a bit timid, so he calls for the second applicant, Mr. Johnson!Up steps a burly young man who seems very sure of himself.The bank manager thinks, 'he looks like he can take care of himself' and decides to hire him.He says, Now, Jim, I like the way you carry yourself. However, you did not fill out where you received your education. Where did you receive your financial education? Jim replies, Yale.Excellent, says the manager. You're hired. Now that you're working for us, what would you prefer to be called?Jim says, I don't care - Yim, or Mr Yohnson.", -"Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.Indecision is the key to flexibility.Hang in there, retirement is only 30 years away!Aim low; reach your goals; avoid disappointment.Teamwork means never having to take the blame yourself.A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.If at first you don't succeed, try management.", -"Confucius asks:If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?", -"A man was buying a horse and was given a few simple instructions. To make the horse walk, he would say few. To make the horse run, he would say many. To make the horse stop he would say amen.On the man's first ride all was going well. few! the man shouted and the horse began to walk. many! the man shouted and the horse began to run. But the man had forgotten the word to make the horse stop as it ran towards the edge of a cliff.The man shouted in terror Lord! Please save me! Amen! And of course the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff-face. The man then mopped his brow and said Phew! that was clo- AAAAARRRRGHHH!!", -"Last time my friend went to the zoo, he got in trouble for feeding the monkeys......to the lions.", -"Look at the speed of that plane! said one hawk to another, as a jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads.Hmph! snorted the other, You too would fly fast if your tail was on fire!", -Two neighbours were talking to each other. One said to the other Have you told your son to stop imitating me?The other one replied Yes. Yesterday I went up to him and said 'Stop acting such a fool!'..., -"A man was walking through the desert, when he found a woman buried up to her neck.The woman asks him to dig her out, and he says, What's in it for me?She replies, Sand.", -"Yo Momma so short, you can see her feet on her driving licence!", -"Yo Momma's lips so big, she can whisper in her own ear!", -"Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.I carefully removed his glasses.You know, honey, I said sweetly, Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.Honey, he replied with a grin, Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!", -"I say! Look here! said an angry member of the grouse-shooting party. You nearly shot my wife!I'm terribly sorry, replied the offender, shall I try again?", -"An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display.I have good news and bad news, the owner replied. The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work, and wondered if they would increase in value after your death. When I told him they would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.That's great news, the artist said. What's the bad news?He was your doctor.", -What's the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer?A bad lawyer can have a case drag on for several years.A good lawyer can make it last even longer., -"A young reporter was sent on his first assignment.He sent in the following report to the office -Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with cuts on her breasts.The editor scolded the new reporter, This is a family paper. we don't use words like 'breasts' around here. Go back and write something more appropriate!The young reporter thought for a few minutes, and finally sent in this report -Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with cuts on her .", -"A man was travelling at 180 miles per hour on a motorway and was pulled over by the traffic police.The man asked:Sorry officer, was I driving too fast?The policeman replied,No, you were flying too low...", -Sticks and stones won't break my bones but yo momma will when she gets on top!, -"A man at the movies had left his seat to buy an ice-cream. On his return he said to an old lady sitting at the end of the row,I'm sorry, but did I step on your toe a minute ago?The woman angrily replied Yes, you certainly did!Oh, said the man, Then this is my row.", -"The woman in a theatre box-office was surprised one evening just before the show at the behavior of one man.He bought a ticket, went away, and then returned a few minutes later to buy another one. He went away again, returned and bought a third ticket. Then he went away yet again, returned and bought a fourth ticket!By now the show had started, so the woman in the box-office said I hope you don't mind me asking, but why do you keep coming back and buying more tickets?Every time I try to get in to the auditorium, he replied, some jerk takes my ticket and tears it in half!", -"Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. 'So, how did you do, son?' he asked. 'You'll never believe it!' Billy said. 'I was responsible for the winning run!' 'Really? How'd you do that?' 'I dropped the ball.'", -"You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.", -"A cop pulled over two drunks, and asked to the first, What's your name and address? I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address. The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.", -"The crowd had cornered a woman and was preparing to stone her. Jesus raised his hand and spake, Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone. From the back of the crowd a small woman picked up a huge rock and staggered toward the poor victim. Jesus pointed a finger at her and said, Stop it MOM! I was just trying to make a point!", -"Bought the wife a hamster fur coat for her birthday, she was delighted with it.We went to the fair; took me 4 hours to get her off the big wheel!", -"A man stops to stay at hotel for the night, and when he goes to check in, the clerk tells him, There is only one room left, and there are three holes in the wall. Whatever you do, don't stick your dick into any of the holes. When the man gets inside the room, his curiosity gets the best of him, and he sticks his dick in the first hole. Immediately a hunter shoots it off with a rifle. The pain is so unbearable, the man jumps out the second story window and plummets to his death.The next night, another man comes to stay at the same hotel. The clerk tells him, There is only one room left, and there are three holes in the wall. Whatever you do, don't stick your dick into any of the holes. When the second man gets in the room, he sticks his dick in the second hole, and a butcher chops it off with a butcher's knife. The pain is so unbearable he jumps out the window to his death.The third night, a young college student comes to stay the night. As he checks in, the clerk tells him, There is only one room left, and there are three holes in the wall. Whatever you do, don't stick your dick into any of the holes. When the college student gets inside the room, he sticks his dick inside the third hole. A masseuse begins massaging his dick all night. When he goes to check out in the morning, he tells the clerk, That masseuse in the third hole is incredible!The clerk responds with, That's no masseuse, that's my daughter.", -"Two eggs were in a pan of boiling water.One egg says, Phew, it's hot in here!The other egg replies, Wait till we get out of here, they smash your head in!", -"There was a farmer who grew watermelons, and every week he would check on his crop, and would find that the local kids had got into his field and eaten as many watermelons as they could.This went on for some time, and eventually the man got fed up replacing the missing watermelons.After some thought, he came up with an idea.He made a sign and placed it in the field; the sign read, Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide! He feels pleased with himself, thinking that will stop the theft of his crop.A couple of days later, he returns, and the watermelons are all there; but in the distance, he sees another sign.He walks over to the sign, and reads, Now there are two!", -"Pete's at work when he realises he's forgotten to ask his wife, Alison, where he should pick her up after work.He calls home, and after several seconds, Ali answers the phone.Pete asks his question, and Ali shouts, You got me out of the bath to ask me that? I dashed to the phone; I haven't even got a towel over me, I'm dripping water in the hall! Pick me up in the square at 5.30!As soon as Ali tells him she's naked and wet in the hall, an evil thought occurs to him. I'm terribly sorry to have got you out of the bath; ok, see you at 5.30 then.As he hangs up, he calls to his mate, Mark, and outlines his plan, and starts to dial his home number, then gives Mark the phone.When Ali answers the phone, Mark says, Hi, Ali, is Pete ho... Oh, look at you! and all wet, too! Ahhhh....", -"A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it. He took it to the owner and asked, How much is the bronze rat? Twelve dollars for the rat; a hundred dollars if you bring it back, said the owner.The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. I'll take the rat - and I won't be bringing it back. As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.He started to trot towards the harbor. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the harbor as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.The man walked back to the curio shop. Aha, said the owner, You're bringing it back!Actually, no, said the man. I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze bass player over there!", -"Jack hadn't been to a school reunion in decades.When he walked in, Jack thought he recognised a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting.You look like Helen Brown, he remarked.Well, replied the angry woman, you don't look so great in blue either!", -"One day a couple of rabbits found themselves being chased by a pack of wolves. They dashed into a thicket, and stood there panting.So, gasped one to the other, do you think we should keep running, or stay here until we outnumber them?", -"Winston Churchill was Prime Minister of Britain during World War II.These are some insults he was involved in -Lady Astor Winston, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your coffee.Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it!Bessie Braddock Winston, you're drunk!Winston Bessie, you are ugly, but tomorrow morning, I shall be sober!Bernard Shaw sent Churchill two tickets to a first night, with a note saying Bring a friend if you have one.Churchill replied, saying that he could not attend the first night as he was busy, and asked for tickets for the second night If you have one.", -A man walks into a men's outfitters and grumpily asks to see the cheapest suit in the shop.The horrified snooty sales assistant immediately fetched a full length mirror and placed it in front of him., -"Special bonus, two for the price of one!The party was in full swing, the drink going down several well-lubricated throats.One of the guests was a Scot, wearing the traditional kilt, and a couple of the more adventurous girls were teasing him, asking him if anything was worn under his kilt. He replied, No, everything is in perfect working order, and with that, he lifted his kilt to give them a quick flash.Oh, it's gruesome, said one of the girls.Have another look, he says, it's grew some more!", -"Two cows eating grass,On a warm, sunny hillock.By this time tomorrow,That grass will be millock.", -"Albert Einstein was getting bored with making the same speech over and over again at different meetings, so one night, after a long day, his chauffeur jokingly said, I've heard your speech so many times, I know it word for word! Why don't you take the night off and let me deliver the talk this evening? Einstein agreed.When they arrived at the venue, Einstein put on the chauffeur's uniform and hat, and sat at the back of the hall while the chauffeur took his place on the podium, effortlessly delivering the speech, then inviting the audience to ask questions.He convincingly answered the first few, but then one pompous man stood up and asked a very difficult question on his theories of relativity.The chauffeur was flummoxed, but calmly said, Why, that question is so very easy, I will let my chauffeur answer it!", -Math problems?Call 1-800--, -Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish., -Yo momma is so short when she falls of the curb it sounds like aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!, -"Yo momma is so stupid, she thought innuendo was an Italian suppository.", -"My granddad was a very unlucky man.He made a soft drink, and called it 1-up, but it didn't sell.He made another, called it 2-up, which also didn't sell.He tried yet another, called it 3-up. He got to 6-up, and quit.", -"Why is it that every time we blow our noses, we look inside the tissue afterwards?Are we expecting something other than boogers? Or are we checking to make sure they have not run off?", -"Billy turns up at school very late one morning, and the teacher asks the reason why he's late.Sorry, Miss, my dad got burned.I'm sorry to hear that; I hope it's not serious, she replies.Oh, they don't piss about at the crematorium, Miss!", -"A man walked into the doctor's surgery and said, Doctor, every time I break wind it sounds like a motor bike.That's very interesting; is there anything else bothering you? asked the doctor.I also have a large boil on my backside, said the man.Right, said the doctor, I will lance your boil and your problem will disappear.How's that? asked the man.Because abscess makes the fart go Honda.", -"A man goes to a fancy dress party, dressed from head to toe in green, carrying a woman on his back.The host asks, What have you come as?He replies, I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle!The host says, Why have you a woman on your back?Oh, that's Michelle, he replies.", -"Two kangaroos were living in a zoo pen with a 20-foot high fence.One morning, both kangaroos were found wandering around the zoo, and were quickly put back in their pen, and the fence was put up to 30 feet.Next morning, they were found outside again, so the fence was made 40 feet high.The fence got up to 60 feet, and still the kangaroos were outside in the morning.One kangaroo says to the other, How high will they make this fence, do you think?Don't know, says the second. Depends when they discover they're not locking the gate.An elephant walks into a pub and orders a drink. He's sipping his beer when a man starts playing the piano.The elephant looks over, and bursts into tears.Why are you crying? asks the barman. Does the tune have some special significance for you?No, wails the elephant, it's just that I recognize the keys!", -"Your mama is so old, her breast-milk is powder!", -Yo momma so fat she blocks the sun when she's out walking!, -"You call me ugly? Where is your mirror, boy?", -"Never buy a toothbrush at a yard sale.Never buy a parachute that was used once and never opened before.Never sell computers for free at your garage sale. Trust me, there are many more ways to demolish your house.Never put bathroom humor up on the internet.Never watch American Idol auditions with Coke in your mouth.Never watch American Idol auditions without a couple of aspirins.And never, ever catch your grandparents taking a shower.All of these words of advice were found out by first-hand experience.If you want to meet the guy brave enough to try all of these stunts out, go to the Almont Graveyard in Stamfort, Michigan and visit the grave entitled:Dave 'Daredevil' Deatson. Or visit his grandparents in jail on Alcatraz Prison, California.", -Yo Momma so poor her front door and back door are in the same room.Yo Momma so poor she kicked a can across the street and a man asked what are you doing? and she said I'm moving., -"A woman walked into a bar, and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.", -"Doctor, please, I have a problem pronouncing Ts, Fs and Hs!Well then, you can't say fairer than that.", -"A women said to her boyfriend Oh, honey... are we doing anything this weekend? Her boyfriend on the other side of the room said Yeah, of course The woman said Oh, honey. That's great! What are we doing? Sunday... it's just you, me, the T.V., and that big comfy couch! he said. Oh, honey... does this mean what I think it means!? she said. She jumped up excitedly. Oh, honey... you want to watch the Super Bowl too!", -"A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.He says, My dog's cross-eyed, can you do something for him?Let's have a look at him, says the vet, as he picks up thedog, examines his eyes, and checks his teeth.I'm going to have to put him down, he finally says.What? says the man, just because he's cross-eyed?No, replies the vet, because he's really heavy!", -"A man walks into a bar and notices that there is a game of poker taking place at a table in the corner of the room.To his amazement, one of the players is a German Shepherd, studying his hand intently.He asks the barman, Is that dog actually playing poker?He certainly is, sir, replies the barman.I am amazed, said the man.Oh, it's quite true, every night, the same group comes in here and they all play poker.Does the dog win much? asks the man.No, he's terrible, every time he gets a good hand, his tail starts to wag!", -"I went out to buy a new television, and wanted to buy a locally-made set.The salesman showed me a set I quite liked, and he assured me it was made locally, but I saw through that - clearly printed on the box was Built in Antenna.", -"If your brain was dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off!", -"Every village has its idiot. Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing theirs.", -"Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley are the two richest men in town, and also the two meanest, foulest bad guys for many miles around. They would cheat and swindle anyone that they could.One day Seamus dies, and Mike goes to the priest.Father, he says, my good name will be upheld in this town. You will give the eulogy for my brother and in that eulogy, you are going to say 'Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint'.I will do no such a thing, says the priest. It would be a lie.I know that you will, says Mike. I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose.The priest is in a dilemma. And if I pledge to say those words, he says, you'll sign over the note, free and clear?Done, says Mike, and he signs over the note.Next day, at the funeral, the priest begins his eulogy.Seamus O'Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful penurious,lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human being, he says, but compared to his brother Mike, Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint.", -"A father and son went fishing one summer day. While they were out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him.He asked his father, Dad, how does this boat float?Don't rightly know, son.Dad, how do fish breath underwater?Don't rightly know, son.Dad, why is the sky blue?Don't rightly know, son.Eventually, after the boy asked his father several more questions, Dad, do you mind me asking all these questions?Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you never learn anything.", -"Sally Mummy, why can't I go swimming in the sea?Mum Because there are sharks in the sea.Sally But mummy, daddy is swimming in the sea.Mum That's different, he's insured.", -"Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter says, You look like Albert Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths people will go to in order to sneak into heaven. Can you prove who you really are?Einstein asks, Could I have a blackboard and some chalk, please?St. Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and some chalk instantly appear. Einstein describes, with arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity. St. Peter is very impressed.You really are Albert Einstein! he says. Welcome to heaven!When Pablo Picasso arrives, once again St. Peter asks for credentials.Picasso says, May I use that blackboard and chalk?St. Peter says, Go ahead.Picasso erases Einstein's equations and quickly sketches a truly stunning mural. St. Peter claps. Surely, you are the great artist you claim to be! he says. Come on in!St. Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.He scratches his head and says, Einstein and Picasso both proved their identities, can you prove yours?George W. says, Who are Einstein and Picasso?St. Peter says, Come on in, George.", -You might be a redneck if you let your thirteen-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of HER two kids., -This joke may seem racist to some. I just wanted to warn you of this before you read it.Sally - Where does a baby go after he or she has passed away?Joe - I don't know.Sally - To heaven. What does the baby get after he or she arrives in heaven?Joe - I don't know.Sally - Wings. What is the baby called?Joe - I don't know.Sally - An Angel. Where does a black baby go after he or she has passed away?Joe - I don't know.Sally - To heaven. What does the baby get after he or she arrives in heaven?Joe - I don't know.Sally - Wings. What is the baby called?Joe - A bat!, -"Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk.What do you call a bright, sunny day that comes after two cold, cloudy days? Monday.A snake slithers into a bar. The barman says, I can't serve you, you obviously can't hold your drink.Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? The outside.Two parrots on a perch. One says, Do you smell fish?An eel slithers into a bar. The barman says, I can't serve you, you're legless.", -Why aren't dogs allowed in the White House?They might pee on the Bush!, -this site is awesome! look 4 the difference between the pics!http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf, -Knock Knock!Who's there?Who who. Who who who? Is there an owl in here?, -Knock Knock!Who's there?Amos.Amos who?Amosquito bit me!, -"Knock Knock!Who's there?Moo, moo, who.Moo, moo, who, who?Well, make up your mind, are you a cow or an owl?", -Knock Knock.Who's there?Toulose.Toulose who?I don't want to lose to anybody!, -"Knock Knock.Who's there?Are you,Are you who?Are you going to let me in or not?", -"Knock knock.Who's there?Yudare.Yudare who?You dare to disturb me,while I am sleeping?", -"Yo momma's so stupid, she got lost in a parking lot!!", -A calendar something that goes in one year and out the other., -"Ethel and Bunty were getting just a little bored in the senior citizens' home, when Bunty had an idea. I bet you $100 that you won't streak round the garden, Ethel.You have got a bet, replies Ethel, so she disrobes and sets off round the garden.Tom and Bob were enjoying a relaxing time in the garden when Ethel went past.Bob says, Wasn't that Ethel that went by?Tom replies, Yes, I do believe it was.What was she wearing then?I don't know, said Tom, but it surely needed ironing.", -"A man walks into a dentist's and says, Can you help me? I think I'm a moth.The dentist says, You need a psychiatrist, mate.The man says, Yes, I know.The dentist replies, Well, why have you come in here?Your light was on!", -"I bought a book called How to Hug, and when I got it home, found it was volume 7 of an encyclopedia.I phoned the gym, and asked if they could teach me to do the splits. The girl asked if I was flexible, and I said I couldn't do Tuesdays.", -"A woman in a cafe had ordered turtle soup, but changed her mind and asked for pea soup instead. She heard the waiter call, Hold the turtle, make it pea!At the next table, a man ordered the fish, but when the waiter brought it, he was holding the fish on the plate.When asked why he was holding it on the plate, he said he didn't want it to fall on the floor again.", -"I had a part in the local repertory company's Shakespeare week, and was allocated the dressing room that was next to the large room shared by three of the actresses. One day, a friend of mine was visiting me when he drew my attention to the fact that there was a small hole in the dividing wall.You can see right through into next door! he exclaimed.Ah, let 'em look, I said.", -"A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, Would you like to live with your mother?No, said the boy.Why not? said the judge.Because she beats me.The judge says, Okay, then you'll go live with your father.Oh, no, cried the boy, he beats me too.Dumbfounded, the judge asks Okay, who do you want to live with?I want to live with the New York Yankees.Why? asks the judge. They don't beat anybody.", -"There is a major difference between the way a dog thinks and the way a cat thinks.A dog says, You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. You must be God.A cat says, You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. I must be God.", -"This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.Mouse BallsMouse balls are now available as FRU .Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.", -What do you get when you cross a cheetah with a hamburger?Fast food!, -Why do cows wear bells?Because their horns don't work.Why is a river rich?Because it has two banks.What is a foreign ant called?Import-ant.What do ants take when they are ill?Anti-biotics., -What is the fastest way to double your money?By folding it in half, -What did one glass say to another glass?Lets have a break.What did one ghost say to another ghost?Do you believe in people?What did one chair say to another chair?Here comes another bum., -"What is the similarity between Michael Jackson and a Playstation 2?They both are made of plastic, and they both get turned on by kids.", -"'Doctor,doctor.I think that I'm a bridge.''What on earth's come over you?''Well a car,a bike.....'", -"One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full. Here's the problem, the doctor explained. He just needs to be changed. The perplexed father remarked, But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!", -A merger has been announced between the California Highway Patrol and the California Fish and Game Department.It will be called Fish and Chips., -I tried to walk into Target one day...I missed, -"Sam didn't want to go on the blind date that Tom had arranged for him. What if she's really ugly and I hate her? he complained.Then just clutch your chest and fake a heart attack, Tom replied. Sam thought this was a good idea, so he agreed to go through with it. He went to the address Tom had given him, and a beautiful woman answered the door. Hi, I'm your blind date! Sam said. The woman clutched her chest and fell to the ground.", -What does the hot dog say after winning a race?I'm a WIENER!!!, -What's the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says spit your gum out and a train says choo choo!!, -"She used to have a broad mind and a narrow waist; now it's the other way round.It was a very emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers.Psychic wanted you know why, and where to apply.I don't think they really wanted me in the marching band they gave me a piano.Then, when we played hide and seek, no-one came to look for me.", -"I was walking around in the movies with my friends and we saw this one teenager.His pants were falling down, so I said to my friends, God, these kids nowadays! I thought a rapper died and the kid decided to put his pants half-staff!", -"A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.You know, said the doctor, you really have to learn to trust me.", -"One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife had prepared, the husband asked, What did you marinate this in?The wife dropped her fork and went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him.She must have seen the confused look on her husband's face, because she inquired, What did you ask me? When he told her what he'd asked, the wife laughed and said, I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!Later, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the husband called out, Hey, Hon, WOULD you marry me again? Without hesitation she replied, Vinegar and barbecue sauce.", -"The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, Do you know what I use this for?The navigator replied timidly, No, what's it for?The pilot responded, I use this on navigators who get me lost!The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.The pilot asked, What's that for?To be honest sir, the navigator replied, I'll know we're lost before you will.", -"There once was a college professor who didn't buy into the whole there's no such thing as a stupid question philosophy. Every year when he had a new class he instructed the students to ask him as many stupid questions as they could think of on the first day. That way, he figured, there'd be a minimized amount of stupidity for the duration of the term.The professor thought he'd heard every stupid question there was and didn't laugh no matter what his students asked him, not even a smirk. Then, finally, a student asked something that he'd never heard before. The question made him laugh so hard he couldn't stand up. A lanky, tomboyish girl raised her hand with a wry smile on her face, stood up and asked, What is a question?", -Two criminals are talking in a jail cell.What are you in for? Something I did NOT do! Sooo... you're innocent? What did you not do? I DIDN'T run fast enough!, -"Law of Cat InertiaA cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.Law of Cat MotionA cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.Law of Cat MagnetismAll blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.Law of Cat ThermodynamicsHeat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.Law of Cat StretchingA cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.Law of Cat SleepingAll cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable for the cat, as possible.Law of Cat ElongationA cat can make her body long enough to reach any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.Law of Cat ObstructionA cat must lie on the floor in a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.Law of Cat AccelerationA cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.", -"Laws of Feline Physics IILaw of Dinner Table AttendanceCats must attend all meals when anything good is served.Law of Rug ConfigurationNo rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.Law of Obedient ResistanceA cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.First Law of Energy ConservationCats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.Second Law of Energy ConservationCats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.Law of Refrigeration ObservationIf a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.Law of Electric Blanket AttractionTurn on an electric blanket, and a cat will jump onto the bed at the speed of light.Law of Random Comfort SeekingA cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.Law of Bag or Box OccupancyAll bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.", -"Laws of Feline Physics IIILaw of Cat EmbarrassmentA cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment, multiplied by the amount of human laughter.Law of Milk ConsumptionA cat will drink his weight in milk squared, just to show that he can.Law of Furniture ReplacementA cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.Law of Cat LandingA cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.Law of Fluid DisplacementA cat, immersed in milk, will displace her own volume minus the amount of milk consumed.Law of Cat DisinterestA cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends trying to interest him.Law of Pill RejectionAny pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.Law of Cat CompositionA cat is composed of matter anti-matter it doesn't matter.", -"Two blond adventurers were on holiday, and went to see Niagara Falls.After a few drinks one night, one bet the other $500 he couldn't carry him across the falls on a tightrope.After a very scary trip, his friend managed to stagger safely across, and the wager was duly paid.That was close, said the loser. When you wobbled, halfway across, I was sure I'd won.", -"There was this lady who was in the shower and her little boy walked in on her taking a shower he saw her pubic hairs and says:Mommy what's that? as he pointed down to her.Well, that's Mommy's washcloth.The next day he walked in on her again, and asked her again. She says it was her washcloth. Well, this time when he walked out she shaved it off because she got tired of him asking.So the next day when he walked in on her, he asks:Mommy what happened to your washcloth?Uh, Mommy lost it. So the little boy walked out.The next day he walked in on his mom and says:Hey Mommy, the maid found your washcloth. She is washing Daddy's face with it!", -What did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him? I didn't do it on porpoise!, -"Three men were at a business convention where they were discussing cars.One man said, I am an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn. Another man says, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort. The last man speaks up saying, Well, I beat both of you - I am a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe!", -"Yo momma's so stupid, when they said Drinks are on the house! She went and got a ladder.", -Yo momma's so fat that small things orbit her!, -She make Olympic sumo wrestlers look anorexic., -"Yo momma's so stupid, she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.", -"A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street caf watching the crowd. Across the street, they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes later, they reappeared, with a third person.They have multiplied, said the biologist.Oh no, it's an error in measurement, the physicist replied.If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again, was the mathematician's conclusion.", -"What do you say to a redneck with a beautiful woman on his arm?Hey, nice tattoo!", -"Recently, Germans conducted some scientific exploration involving their best men. Core drilling samples were taken to a depth of 50 metres, and during these examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered.After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that 25,000 years ago, ancient Germans had a nationwide telephone network.The British government was unimpressed, and conducted their own survey. From samples drilled to a depth of 100 meters, they found small pieces of glass, and announced that 35,000 years ago, the ancient Britons had a nationwide optical-fibre network.The Irish government felt they had to conduct their own survey, their scientists bored to a depth of 200 meters, but found absolutely nothing.They concluded that, 55,000 years ago, the ancient Irish already had a thriving cell phone network in place.", -"There I was, in my car, driving down the road, when my boss rang up and said, We're making you Chief Area Salesman, and I swerved.Ten minutes later, he called again, You're now Deputy Area Manager, and I swerved again.Another twenty minutes go by, and another phone call, You're now Vice Chairman, and I swerved right off the road into a ditch.When the police asked what had happened, I said, I just careered off the road.", -"Report of a duel between Alexander Shott and John Nott, in June 1849.Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case, it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot, but Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.", -"A six-year-old boy came home from playing at his friend's house and told his mother that he had broken a lamp when he threw a football.It's all right, mum, he said, brightly; you don't have to buy them another! Charlie's mum said it was irreplaceable!", -The gangster's last words Who put that violin in my violin case?, -I gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes., -What do you give the person who has everything?A box to keep it all in., -"1. Wake up and stumble in the room 40 minutes late.2. Blame all of the problems in America on 9/11 and Iraq. 3. Pronounce nuclear right. 4. Publish my dog's sequel. 5. Show off my awesome golf shot.Hey, I counted to five!", -"I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.", -"Yo mama's so cross-eyed, when I was banging her she thought she was getting a threesome!", -"What's the difference between MJ and a grocery bag?One is white, made of plastic, dangerous for children to play with, and the other one holds groceries!Why does MJ like Wal-Mart?Because they have boys' pants half off!What time is bedtime in Neverland?When the big hand touches the little hand!And now, for the grand finale:What is brown and in little boys' pants?MJ's hand!", -99.9% of all lawyers make the other ones look bad., -What do you call a group of white people running down a hill?Avalanche!What do you call a group of black people running down a hill?Mudslide!What do you call a group of Latinos running down a hiil?JAILBREAK!How do you find the country of Mexico?Roll a quarter down a hill.How do you find the richest Mexican?Find the one who got the quarter!, -"Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip one priest says, Well, we've worked together for many years now, but we don't really know each other. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins to get better acquainted.They look nervously at one another, but agree.The first priest says, Since it was my idea, I'll go first. With me, it's the drink. Once a year, I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself senseless for a few days; get it out of my system.They look at one another again, and eventually the next priest stands up. Well, with me it's gambling. Every now and then, I nick some money from the poor box, and go to the races. Gamble the lot; but I've got it out of my system.The third priest nervously stands up and says, This is very difficult for me. My sin is much worse; I take off my collar and go to the red light district, pick up a girl, and spend a whole week with her; but I've got it out of my system.They all look at the fourth priest. Come on, we've all told our worst sins, now it's your turn.Well, he starts, I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!", -"The other day, I saw my friend with a big puffy red nose.I asked her what happened and she said, I stopped to smell a brose, then I said, wait, there's no b in rose!She said, Well, there was in that one!!", -Did you know that 61.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot?, -"How many old geezers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Back in my day, we didn't have lightbulbs. We put candles in tin cans and hung them from the ceiling with thread. And we had to walk uphill both ways to school in a blizzard with nothing but a potato to keep us warm. And... zzzzzz......", -"So, Michael Jackson walks into a bar.Oh, that looked like it hurt! It must have knocked his nose off!", -Abortion - Near Life ExperienceBald - Follically liberatedBlind - Photonically non-receptiveBum - Displaced homeownerCannibalism - Intra-Species diningCensorship - Selective speechCheating - Post-Marital AffairsCheating - Academic DishonestyClumsy - Uniquely coordinatedCorpse - Permanently static post-human massCowboys - Bovine control officersCrime Rate - Street activity indexDead - Living impairedDeaf - Visually orientedDelicatessen - Corpse FarmDish Washer - Utensil SanitizerFat - Person of substanceGas Station Attendant - Petroleum Transfer TechnicianHunter - Meat MercenaryIdiot - Factually UnencumberedInsane Person - Selectively PerceptiveMidget - Vertically Challenged, -"The Americans and the Russians had a car race, in which the car from America won.However, the report in the newspapers of Russia, read as follows In a recent motor race, the Russian car finished in second place, while the American car finished next to last.", -"Jerry Jones applied to a debt-collecting agency for a job, even though he had no experience.He was very intense, so the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected, he'd get the job.Two hours later, Jerry returned with the full amount!Amazing! said the manager. How on earth did you manage that?Easy, replied Jerry, I told him that if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he'd paid us.", -"On June 10th, 2006, San Fransisco, California held the largest gay, nude bike ride in the United States. I'm never buying a used bike ever again.", -"My dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker's comp.", -"Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about; Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to put your two cents in... but it's only a penny for your thoughts? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Why is bra singular and panties plural Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?", -How do you make a reindeer fast?Don't feed it., -"What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?It's Christmas, Eve!", -"I'll be sober tomorrow, but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.", -"Little Johnny's mother took him to a supermarket to buy some food.Anything you break comes out of your allowance money! shouted Johnny's mother.Johnny turned around and said But you don't give me any allowance money! Yes, and now you know why.", -10. They told me at the blood bank this might happen. 9. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?4. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.3. The coffee machine is broken.2. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.1. ...in Jesus' name. Amen., -"Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun.", -"Yo mama is so fat . . .Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.Yo mama so fat her nickname is Lardo.Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.Yo mama so fat we're in her right now.Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise.Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for condors.Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her . . .Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world.Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy.Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!Yo mama so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says okay!Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said Taxi!Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway.Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th.Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge, too.Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear Caution! Wide Turn.Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read one at a time, please.Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago . . .Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white chunky!Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose.Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be aerial views!Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!Yo mama so fat every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearing tights!Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too.Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale it goes one at a time please.Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping.Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover herYo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the familyYo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her throughYo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teethYo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite picturesYo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, Who threw that rock?Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.", -"Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 sign, she went home and got 16 friends.Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was illegitimate because she couldn't read.Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put MM's in alphabetical order!Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.Yo mama so stupid she asked you What is the number for 911Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put O.K.Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.Yo mama so stupid that under Education on her job apllication, she put Hooked on Phonics.Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.Yo mama so stupid she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.", -Yo mama is so greasyYo mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her, -Yo mama is so skinnyYo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerioYo mama so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared., -"Yo momma so lazy, she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.Yo momma so lazy, she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!Yo momma so lazy, she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.", -"Yo momma's head so small, she use a tea-bag as a pillow.Yo momma's head so small, she got her ear pierced and died.", -"Yo mama is so poorYo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said Moving.Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,DING!Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, What ya doin'? She said, Buying luggage.Yo mama so poor she drives a peanut.Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.", -Yo mama so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon.Yo mama so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida., -Yo mamma is so baldYo mamma so bald even a wig wouldn't help!Yo mamma so bald you can see what's on her mindYo mamma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed., -What did the mama broom say to the little broom?Go to sweep little one., -"What's the difference between the teacher and the one who minds trains?The teacher trains minds, the other minds trains.", -"What starts with T, ends with the T and has full of T's?", -"Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week.They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.The officer hauled them off to security for questioning.The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.The first boy innocently said, My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.The second added, My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.The third boy was a little shaken up and said, Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts.", -Sometimes I think I'm stupid... until I met George W. Bush. Now I feel like the smartest man in the world., -"Jerry, a college freshman, was sitting in his English class. His teacher noticed that he wasn't paying attention, so asked to see him after class. Jerry went up to the teacher's desk, and waited while the teacher was talking to a attractive freshman girl. When he was done, he said, Jerry, why weren't you paying attention in my class? I was staring at the hot babe you were just talking to, Jerry said.But don't get any ideas, Jerry said, you're way to old for her.Oh, really? the teacher said. Yeah, you're old enough to be her father! said Jerry.This talk is over! said the teacher. Jerry starts to walk out when the teacher says, And by the way, Jerry, next class don't stare at my daughter!", -"I read right the way through a medical dictionary, and found that the only thing in it I DON'T have is hypochondria!", -Submit a joke I'm a but jokesThat's so stupid Sadist puts hot..................................Bonus jokes with my fur Joy! Swift knob humeruslet's hear a joke Jerk tease halo, -What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!, -"Yo momma's so fat that when she got into an elevator, she exceeded the weight limit. I wonder how many it took to get her in there in the first place?", -"Drink apple juice, because O.J. will kill you.", -Knock-Knock Who's There? Well WaterWell Water Who?Well Water You Waiting For? Open The Door And Let Me IN!!!!!!, -"Mrs. Biddle was walking down the street one day carrying a small box with holes punched in the top.What's in that box? Mrs. Riddle asked.A cat, Mrs. Biddle answered.What for?I've been dreaming about mice at night, and I'm scared of mice. The cat is to catch them.But the mice you dream about are imaginary, said Mrs. Riddle.Mrs. Biddle turned to her friend and whispered, So is the cat.", -"One day a man was walking down the road and saw the priest also walking. Since he knows the priest usually rides a bike he asks where it is. Well, I woke up this morning and couldn't find it, he replies.Oh. Well, here is an idea. When you go over the Ten Commandments in your sermon this morning, bear down real hard on Thou shall not steal. Then, whoever took it will feel guilty and give it back.Great idea!Well, that afternoon the man sees the priest riding his bike. I see they gave it back to you. I knew my idea would work! he says.Well, actually I went through the Ten Commandments like you said, but when I got to Thou shall not commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike!", -Yo mama is so hairy......you almost died of rugburn at birth!...she looks like she got Buchwheat in a headlock....bigfoot is taking her picture!...she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan., -"Yo mama is so nasty......she made speed stick slow down....she brings crabs to the beach....she made right guard turn left....the fishery payed her to leave....she has to creep up on bathwater....that she pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh....I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.", -"Yo mama is so oldYo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.Yo mama so old her social security number is 1!Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it.Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.", -Yo mama's head so large she has to step into her shirts.Yo mama head is so big it shows up on radar.Yo mama's house is so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies!Yo mama house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!Yo mama teeth are so yellow she spits butter.Yo mama's glasses so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.Yo mama's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.Yo mama's house is so small that when she orders a large pizza she has to go outside to eat it.Yo mama's house so small you have to go outside to change your mind., -"Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you? No, Manny replied. I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking! Listen, his friend suggested, Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole mother? Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again. So, Manny, did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your mother? Manny shrugged his shoulders, Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her; they became great friends. Excellent!!! So.... are you and this girl engaged yet? I'm afraid not. My father can't stand her!", -"Excuse me, is this tuna dolphin-friendly?Dolphin-friendly? He was only best man at Flipper's wedding!", -"This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas,but there are more Catholic churches than casinos there.Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to sort the offerings.The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Fransiscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.You didn't even see it coming, did you?", -Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125., -"In the middle ages, the monks were only allowed to talk once every year to the priest. They were only allowed two words to say.One year, when a new monk came, the priest told him of this and the monk agreed.After the first year, the monk said in a sad voice, Bed hard.The priest frowned at him and ushered him away.The next year the poor monk said in a sad voice, Food cold.The priest scowled at him and told him to go away back to work.The next year the monk said in a sad voice, Quit job.The priest suddenly shouted, Finally! You've been here three years and all you've done is complain!", -"How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?.. and then you add eggs and sugar...and you get cake? Where did the glue go ?NEED AN ANSWER?You know darned well where it went!That's what makes the cakeStick to your BUTT Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to . We all need a good laugh - keep on smilin'", -Why did the chicken cross the road?I don't knowTo get the Chinese newspaperGet it?NoNeither do I. I get USA Today, -"Billy-Bob returns from school and tells his father he got an F in Arithmetic today. Why? asks his father. The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said, '6'. But that's right, said his father. Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'. What's the fucking difference? asks his father. That's what I said!", -"A very mean, nasty, unattractive woman enters the Wal-Mart store with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter says hello to the kids and then hello to the lady who just grunts at the greeter in return. The greeter asks the lady, Great kids! Are they twins? No, replies the lady, one is 9 the other is 7. Do they look like twins? No, the greeter says, I just couldn't believe you could get laid twice.", -"Three Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorem does this illustrate?The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides!", -"In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how society's ideal of beauty changes with time. For example, he said, take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest? The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, Not very well. Why is that? asked the professor. For one thing, the student pointed out, She'd be way too old!", -"Yo Momma's life is such a failure, when I gave her a dollar she said her life was complete.", -"Here's a chain mail I recieved.Hi there, Thought For The Day Good looks catch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart. You're blessed with both! Don't be flattered,this message was sent to ME! I just wanted YOU to read it. PASS IT ON.", -How was your blind date? a college student asked her room-mate. Terrible! the room-mate answered. He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce. Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that? He was the original owner!, -It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them. The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole trunkful of downy feathers. That's what he gets for snorting quack., -"A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, Where would man be today if it were not for woman? She paused a moment and looked around the room. I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman? From the back of the room came a voice, He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.", -"The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, except one girl, laughed uproariously. What's the matter? grumbled the boss. Haven't you got a sense of humor? I don't have to laugh, she replied. I'm leaving Friday.", -"Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principle to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.", -What was 50 Cent's daughter named?Penny!, -"You know you're screwed when you fall in love with a woman you see at the mall, then realize that she is your sister.", -How many presidents does it take to change a lightbulb?None. They'll only promise change., -How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?None 'o yo' fuckin' business!, -"Mr. and Mrs. Wong are a married couple who live in China. After being married for three years, they decided to have a baby. They ended up having a baby girl with mental disabilities. They named her 'Somting Wong'.", -Adult Male, -"- I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence? - If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed? - Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's? - Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? - If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? - If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? - Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. - If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? - Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there. - If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?", -"Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test. Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. - If they have taken the table apart, put them in engineering. - If they are counting the cigarette butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance.- If they are waving their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting. - If they are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them. - If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer information systems is their niche. - If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the help desk. - If they mention the good price for the table and chairs, put them in purchasing. - If they mention that hardwood furniture does not come from rain forests, public relations would suit them well. - If they are sleeping, they are management material. - If they are writing up the experience, send them to the technical writing team. - If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to security. - If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to marketing.", -"Father Sullivan was ministering to a man on his deathbed. Renounce Satan! yelled Father Sullivan. No, said the dying man. I say, renounce the devil and his works! No, the man repeats. And why, in the name of all that is holy, not? asks Father Sullivan. Because, said the dying man, I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start annoying anybody.", -"US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, I'll give you 100 camels for your woman. After a long silence, the husband says, She's not for sale. The indignant wife says, What took you so long to answer? The husband replied, I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.", -"I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.", -"-You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on the way back to bed. - You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom. - You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. - You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment. - You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access. - You laugh at people with 14.4 band modems. - You start using smileys in your snail mail. - You find yourself typing com after every period when using a word processor.com - You can't call your mother because she doesn't have a modem. - You check your mail. It says no new messages. So you check it again. - You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask. - You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape - You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.garden/house/brick.html - You start tilting your head sideways to smile. - After reading this, you immediately e-mail it to your friends.", -"The Web site you seekcannot be located butcountless others exist Three things are certain:Death, taxes, and lost data.Guess which has occurred. Everything is gone;Your life's work has been destroyed.Squeeze trigger ? Windows NT crashed.I am the Blue Screen of Death.No one hears your screams. Seeing my great faultThrough darkening blue windowsI begin again The code was willing,It considered your request,But the chips were weak. Printer not ready.Could be a fatal error.Have a pen handy? A file that big?It might be very useful.But now it is gone. Errors have occurred.We won't tell you where or why.Lazy programmers. Server's poor responseNot quick enough for browser.Timed out, plum blossom.Chaos reigns within.Reflect, repent, and reboot.Order shall return. Login incorrect.Only perfect spellers mayenter this system. This site has been moved.We'd tell you where, but then we'dhave to delete you. Wind catches lilyscatt'ring petals to the wind:segmentation fault ABORTED effort:Save and close all that you have.You ask way too much. First snow, then silence.This thousand dollar screen diesso beautifully. With searching comes lossand the presence of absence:My Novel not found. The Tao that is seenIs not the true Tao, untilYou bring fresh toner. The Web site you seekcannot be located butendless others exist. Stay the patient courseOf little worth is your ireThe network is down A crash reducesyour expensive computerto a simple stone.", -Three men walked into a bar. They died, -"Anyways, there was an assembly at school and they had us sit on bleachers inside the main gym. Then I notice one of my friends walk in and since there's a space next to me, I decide to call him over. But the thing is, his nickname is fire, because of his bright red hair.So I yell out FIRE! loud enough for him to hear me over the noise. Then I realize what I just did... everyone in my section of the bleachers just stared at me until a teacher came and pulled me off to the side for a little talk.This has been a Stupid Drunky Moment. (By the way, if you think I'm stupid, think about the other students. If someone yells fire, you run, you don't turn around and stare at him. Idiots.", -"A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer Dear Harold. At this, dad interrupted and said, Wait a minute, why did you call God 'Harold'? The little boy looked up and said, That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name...", -"Rate this joke 4 smilesand gI'll give you $5Stop here and rate nowRead the rest after you voteYou don't need to read the comments nowVote NowNOWNOW!!!!NOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWDID YOU VOTE 4?PLEASEPZpuL eASEpull with easeNow voteAlright, you votedGood jobRead onKeep scrollingAll the wayWhen you're all the way down, please commentI'll give you another $5Vote 4 get $5Commment get $5Both get $10Both get $20 dollars$50 each$200 togetherYa done?One more thingPSYCH hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahah", -Knock-Knock.Who's There.OMGOMG who?OMG! How long has that cookie been in your Lunch Box?!, -Yo Momma's feet smell so bad that her shoes committed suicide., -"Arachnoleptic Fit The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. Bozone The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Cashtration The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.", -"I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.", -What kind of key can't open a door., -What kind of key can't open a door.A monkey, -newf is cool timmy cool is cool battery is coolgirliepie is coolnewf is cool drunky is coolall on my buddy list are coolall on wocka are cool all on braingle are coolall on earth are coolall in the many universes are coolI just said you're coolvote full funny to agree you're coolschatzy228 is an $$hole, -"A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen were waiting.Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsches? he asks.The Englishmen just stare at him.M'excusez-vous, parlez-vous franais ?They continue to stare.Lo scusate, parlate italiano?No response.Me excusa, usted habla espaol?Still nothing. The Swiss man drives off in disgust.One Englishman says to the other, Y'know, maybe we ought to learn a foreign language.Why? says the other. That feller knew 4 languages, and it didn't do him any good!", -"Three contractors are at a theme park to bid for a job repairing fences one is from New York, one from Texas and the third from Florida.First to bid is the Florida contractor. He measures up and says, Well, I reckon we'll do the job for $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for the men, and $100 for me.Next is the Texan, who measures up and says, I'll do the job for $700, that's $300 for materials, $300 for my men, and $100 for me.The man from New York doesn't even stand up. He says, $2700.The park owner, incredulous, says, You didn't even measure the job! How did you arrive at that price?Easy, says the New Yorker. $1000 for you, $1000 for me, and we hire the Texan.", -"An Englishman, a Frenchman and Angelina Jolie are sitting together in a train travelling through Switzerland when the train enters a tunnel, and everything goes dark.There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a slap.When the train comes out of the tunnel, Angelina Jolie and the Englishman are sitting there as if nothing has happened, and the Frenchman is holding a slapped face.The Frenchman is thinking, That Englishman must have kissed Angelina and she swung at him, missed, and slapped me.Angelina Jolie is thinking, That French guy must have tried to kiss me, kissed the Englishman by mistake, and got slapped.The Englishman is thinking, This is great. When we go through the next tunnel, I'll kiss the back of my hand again, and slap that French guy again!", -"Faunacated How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence Faunacatering , which has made a meal of many species. Grantartica The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding. Hemaglobe The bloody state of the world. Kinstirpation A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.", -Remember when ram meant just a male sheepAnd bugs and worms were just things that creep?When a gopher and a mouse were li'l crittersAnd virus were microbes that gave one the shivers? When a web was a sticky net that housed a spiderAnd nets were just strings all woven together?When surfing was just riding an ocean waveAnd a slip was dodging trouble with a close shave? When a mime was a painted-face animated mute clownAnd hackers were people who slashed things down?When menus and servers were all about eatingAnd addresses and homes were places for living? When Archie and Veronica were actually peopleAnd trolls were pests that were considered mythical?When mud was just slime and Spam was just foodAnd to 'finger' someone was not considered good? When to chat and to talk still needed a voice...?Now being online has all but mooted that choice., -"These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations throughout the U.S. Hopefully, none of us will be seeing similar ones on ours. - Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. - His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. - I would not allow this employee to breed. - This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be. - Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. - When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. - He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. - This young lady has delusions of adequacy. - He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. - This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. - This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better. - He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. - A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.", -What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers? 1. How much money do you have? 2. Where can you get more? 3. Do you have anything you can sell?, -"This is how Army policy all begins... Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Continue, until when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way it's always been around here. That's how Army policy begins...", -"In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet. The copier is out of order!Yes, we have called the service man.Yes, he will be in today.No, we cannot fix it.No, we do not know how long it will take.No, we do not know what caused it.No, we do not know who broke it.Yes, we are keeping it.No, we do not know what you are going to do now. Thank You", -"Yo momma's so fat, she fell off a donkey.", -make a hole., -"Yo mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed a whole episode off MTV's grand finale of Making the Van!", -"Yo momma's so fat, when she tried to hijack a plane she couldn't fit through the door.Yo momma's so stupid that when she tried to hijack a plane, she killed the driver, put it on auto pilot, and let it fly her straight into an army camp. The soldiers on the plane were laughing their testicles off.", -Yo mamma is so fat that when she goes to the beach she's the only one that gets a tan!, -"An old Indian lined up all of his ten sons and stood in front of them. He then asked, Who push port-a-potty over cliff? Nobody answered him. He then asked again, Who push port-a-potty over cliff? And again nobody answered. The old Indian said, I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish. Little Indian tell truth, I no punish. So the Indian asked again, Who push port-a-potty over cliff? The littlest Indian replied, I push port-a-potty over cliff. The old Indian then shakes him, spanks him, does everything he can to punish him. When he is done, the little Indian asks, Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish? The old Indian replied, Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down.", -"A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer. After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, Well son, do you have any questions? Just one, gasped the still wide-eyed lad. How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?", -"What is a pirate's favourite branch of the military? The Arrrmy... no, the Navy, he's a pirate!", -Name something a blind person might use - A sword Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar Name a famous brother sister - Bonnie Clyde Name a dangerous race - The Arabs Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish Something you open other than a door - Your bowelsA food that can be brown or white - Potato A jacket potato topping - Jam A famous Scotsman - Jock Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones Something with a hole in it - Window A non living object with legs - Plant A domestic animal - Leopard A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee A way of cooking fish CodSomething that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings Something you might be allergic to - Skiing Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog Something associated with the police - Pigs A sign of the zodiac - April Something slippery - A conmanName something that floats in the bath - Water Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair Name something Red - My cardigan Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers Name a famous royal - Mail A number you have to memorize - 7 Something you do before going to bed - Sleep Something you put on walls - Roofs Something in the garden that's green - Shed, -"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.", -Hawt het hlle ma i redanig?, -Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm!, -"What did the tie say to the hat?You go on a head, I'll just hang around.", -Knock Knock! Who's there? Kanga. Kanga who? No! Kangaroo!, -"Got to Get You Into My Sights I Put a Shell in You You've Shot a Friend Huntin', Shootin', Drinkin' Dude Looked Like a Birdie", -"Waiter, I'd a cup of coffee, please, no cream.I'm sorry, sir, we're out of cream. Would you have it with no milk?Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!Well, it was ground this morning!Tea or coffee, gentlemen? asked the waiter.I'll have tea, replied the first customer.Me too and be sure the cup is clean!Soon, the waiter returns with two cups of tea.Two teas, he says. And which of you gentleman asked for a clean cup?", -"I ran into an old buddy the other day. He was a rising entrepreneur, but now he looked down and out. What gives? He begins wailing his tale. I had a restaurant out there on the interstate, you know. Spent a fortune on a new high-rise sign to attract traffic. It did, too. It read 'free cocktail with dinner!' The 'cocktail' was flashing red neon. Was it impressive! Sounds like a good idea. So what went wrong? Oh, the county took notice, inspection crews come out, I'm harassed all the time by the Planning department, the churches in the neighborhood have filed compaints- Hey, I thought you ran a stand-up operation out there. I did. Half my flashing red neon burned out! Oh, I see... I thought a minute. Which half? Don't make no difference! he wailed.", -"Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, I am Napoleon! Another one said, How do you know? The first inmate said, God told me! Just then, a voice from another room shouted, I did NOT!!!", -"A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three members of a motorcycle gang walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spat into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, Humph, not much of a man, was he? The waitress replied, Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.", -"The following is from the British paper, the Sunday Express, giving awards for dubious distinctions.Tortoise Trophy - To British Rail, which solved the problem of lateness in the Intercity express train service by redefining on time to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule.Rubber Cushion - To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.Flying Cross - To Percy the pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500-mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, a 90-minute delay resulting from finding his ID tag and handing it to officials, relegated Percy from first place to third.Silver Bullet - To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhangiung rock, and was instantly killed when it fell on him.Crimewatch CupGold Star - To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital letters the words, HENRY SMITH. His lawyer told the court, My client is not a very bright young man.Silver Star - To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming, Call me back! and left his phone number.Bronze Star - To Paul Monckton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number in foot-high letters on the side.", -"Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks Have you got the time? Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. It's a quarter to six, he says. Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch! exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out. - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says The time is eleven 'til six in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. That's not all, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning, explains Jake. View recede ten, Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. I want to buy this watch! says the stranger. Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet. I'm still working out the bugs. says the inventor. Look at this, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far. finishes Jake. I've got to have this watch! says the stranger. No, you don't understand - it's not ready. I'll give you $1000 for it! Oh, no, I've already spent more than - I'll give you $5000 for it! But it's just not - I'll give you $15,000 for it! And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it. Jake abruptly makes his decision. OK, he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. Hey, wait a minute, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. Don't forget your batteries.", -"The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000. Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, From the tip of my penis to my testicles. The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. My God! he said, where are your testicles? The general replied, Back in Vietnam!", -"Morris, as a young man in the Old West, wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So Morris walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, I have a suggestion that is sure to help. Tell me, tell me, said the young man. Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg. Will that make me a better gunfighter? Definitely, said the old man. Young Morris did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions? Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother. Will that make me a better gunfighter? It sure will, said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me? One more thing, said the old man. Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun. The young Morris didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun. No, the whole gun, handle and everything, said the old man. Will that make me a better gunfighter? No, said the old man, but, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's going to put that gun where the sun don't shine, and it won't hurt as much.", -"For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the U.S. to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments. - I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. - I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? - Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy. - I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why? - I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. - This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it. - Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows. - I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. - In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory. - I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see. - My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. - Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. - You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference? - I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. - I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor. - In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.", -Smart Boss Smart Employee Profit Smart Boss Dumb Employee Production Dumb Boss Smart Employee Promotion Dumb Boss Dumb Employee Overtime, -"Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, How's the singing career going? Stevie Wonder says, Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf? Nicklaus replies, Not too bad. I m not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now. I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right, says Stevie. You play golf!? asks Jack. Stevie says, Yes, I've been playing for years. But I thought you're blind! How can you play golf if you are blind? Jack asks. I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice, explains Stevie. But how do you putt? Nicklaus wondered. Well, says Stevie, I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice. Nicklaus says, What is your handicap? I play off scratch, Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, We must play a game sometime. Wonder replies, Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole. Nicklaus thinks it over and says, OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play? I don't care - any night next week is OK with me.", -"Yo mamma is so poor, when I told her she eats dirt, she said to me,No way, that stuff is for rich people!", -"A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser, with an experienced partner. A call came in, telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.The rookie rolled down his window and said, Let's get off the corner, people.A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, Let's get off that corner... NOW!Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, Well, how did I do?Pretty good, chuckled the vet, especially since this is a bus stop.", -"Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways. The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think? At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!", -"A duck, a skunk, and a frog go to the movies. Tickets cost one dollar. Which animal doesn't get in? The skunk! The frog has a green back, the duck has a bill, but the skunk only has a scent.", -"An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. What did you do that for? asked a passing giraffe. Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago. Wow, what a memory! commented the giraffe. Yes, said the elephant, turtle recall.", -"Yo mamma is so stupid, that when the power went out, she said, Don't worry, we'll just watch a tape.", -"Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump? asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, Well Doc, I can't swim!", -"A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus. It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway, he said. Actually, said his guide, it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation. The visitor was astonished. Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also? Yes, indeed, said his guide. He wrote a check.", -"The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.", -Do Roman paramedics refer to an IV as a four?, -"Yo momma is so big, that when she farts, she destroys the ozone layer above her!", -"In a messed up family, the child named Hope is goth, and the child named Faith is atheist.", -"Yo Momma so fat, when she went into a sumo wrestling match, they said, Sorry, no professionals allowed.", -"A very lonely old lady buys a parrot from a pet store, complete with cage. Before the purchase, she is given a guarantee that the bird will talk. Ten days later, she returns to the store, very disappointed.The parrot doesn't talk.Did you buy a mirror?No.Every parrot needs a mirror.So she buys a mirror and installs it in the cage.Another ten days, and she's back at the pet shop.The parrot still doesn't talk.Did you buy a ladder?No.Every parrot needs a ladder.So she buys a ladder and installs it in the cage.Guess what? Ten days later, she's back in the shop.The parrot still doesn't talk!Did you buy a swing?No.Every parrot needs a swing.So she buys a swing and installs it in the cage.You know, don't you - ten days later, she's back in the shop, and she's mad!The store owner says, Well, does the parrot talk now?No, he died.Oh, that's terrible. Did he not ever talk, then?He talked, all right!What did he say?He said, 'Don't they sell any food down at that shop?'", -"How many women on their periods does it take to change a light bulb?---O N E ! ! , YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?", -"Two friends, who haven't met for a couple of years, are catching up with each other's news.One says, And then the doctor said he'd have me back on my feet in a fortnight!His pal says, Well, did he?He sure did, I had to sell my car to pay him!", -Did your parents have any kids that lived?, -"Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.Now my database has gone away.Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly,There's not half the files there used to be,And there's a milestone hanging over meThe system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrongWhat it was I could not say. Now all my data's goneand I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday,The need for back-ups seemed so far away.I knew my data was all here to stay,Now I believe in yesterday.", -You know you're a redneck when your stair master has an ashtray!, -"Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!And the 1 reason why God created Eve...1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, I can do better than that!", -"An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout PRAISE THE LORD!Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, There ain't no Lord!!Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted Praise the Lord! God, I need food!! I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries!!The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, PRAISE THE LORD!The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries; God didn't.The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, Praise the Lord! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!", -"You are in a car travelling at a constant speed. On your left is a valley, and on your right is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car, and you can't overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter, flying at ground level; both are travelling at the same speed as you.What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?Get off the merry-go-round!", -Why has Edward Woodward got 4 d's in his name?If he hadn't he would be Ewar Woowar!, -What's red and invisible?No tomato., -I was walking around and I saw somebody selling a shirt that said this:F.B.I.Female Body Inspector, -"A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help. Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders. Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction. The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes. The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals. The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore! bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens. Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them! yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs. The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. Worthless sheep! screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep. Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror. The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. Are you okay down there? asked the farmer. NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! the tourist yelled back.", -"Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, So what's bothering you, dear? She says, Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night. The priest says, Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests? She says, That he did, Father... The priest says, What did he ask, Mary? She says, He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that darned gun!'", -"For a complete breakdown of how points are calculated, please read the Site Rules. You can get to the site rules by going to the FAQ's and the first answer gives you a link to the Site Rules.", -Jokes are not immediately available to all users until they are voted by other users at least 10 times. This is to assure that the rating of the joke is accurate and that it does not violate the Terms and Conditions of this website. If you have your preferences set to not hide any jokes then you will be able to see jokes with fewer than 10 votes in the Unrated Jokes section., -"Not to be confused with the Daily Joke Newsletter, a subscription to a joke means that it will appear on your View Subscriptions page. This allows you to keep up-to-date on the conversation/comments of your favorite jokes. To subscribe, click the checkbox at the bottom of the comment box on the joke page. You can always unsubscribe at any time.", -"You can report duplicates once you get 100 points. For every duplicate that you correctly report, you get 10 points. You can also help by verifying duplicates that other users have reported. For every verification, you get 1 point .If you vote for a duplicate that you reported you DO NOT get any points.If you report 2 duplicate jokes and 1 of them is yours, you DO NOT get any points.", -"On rare circumstances the behavior of a user of this site is deemed so inappropriate that they will not be allowed to become an editor even with the correct number of points or even if they were already an editor when they had the bad behavior.Bad behavior includes such things as registering multiple fake accounts, submitting jokes that are not jokes, or that are abusive to other users of the website, or submitting false duplicate reports or misusing the joke-correction functionality of this website.", -"Please contact us. We are happy to answer questions, and we are always eager to make Wocka.com a better place.", -Registered users win points for submitting and voting on jokes., -"- OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark? - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. - Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. - Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. - How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? - I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? - Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. - Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. - Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.", -"- Save the whales. Collect the whole set. - A day without sunshine is like...night. - On the other hand, you have different fingers - 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. - 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. - Remember, half the people you know are below average. - He who laughs last thinks slowest. - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. - Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. - If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. - How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.", -"A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, It's no good, I'll have to do it, and yells, ALLLEEE OOOP! really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something? The trainer replies, Deaf? DEAF? He's not deaf - he's BLIND!", -"There was a cargo shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa.It suddenly had a malfunction, and crashed in the jungle.A few days later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane to search for the plane and crew.They found the wreckage, but were not able to locate the crew.They searched the area and met with a tribe of cannibals.They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.The Chief nods and simply says, Yes...seen plane crash.When asked where the crew was, the Cheif replyed, We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi!The Rescue crew was shocked. Another man asked, Did you eat their legs?The chief replied, We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi!Another rescuer asked, Did you eat their arms?The Chief said, We ate their arms, and we drank the Peps!Finally, another rescuer had to ask, Did you..you know...eat their...things?The cheif says, NO, you idiot!... Even cannibals know that THINGS go better with Coke!", -"There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on.The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.The priest hands the lady $1 and says...Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!", -"Users to accumulate 5,000 points are rewarded with having no advertisements shown to them on this website.You can also get icons that appear next to your name once you have achieved certain goals. Awards are described on the icon page. You can get to the icon page by clicking an icon next to someone's username.", -"Thank you for using Wocka.com. This page states the terms and conditions under which you may use the web site. It is important that you read this page carefully because by opening our web site you agree to be bound, without limitation or qualification, by these terms. If you do not accept any of the terms stated here then do not use the web site. This web site may, in it's sole discretion, modify or revise these terms at any time by updating this web page. You are bound by any such modification or revision and should therefore visit this page periodically to review the terms.", -"A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness? I'm sure I can, the psychiatrist replied. Just go over and lie face down on that couch.", -"A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.What's the problem? the docotor inquired.Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person - but say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office quite excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. Did my advice not work? asked the doctor.It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.So, what's your problem? I don't have a problem, the man replied. My wife does.", -"Registered users can get special icons next to their names that signify certain accomplishments. To learn how points are awarded, please visit our rules page. Icons are awarded as follows: Green Star User has submitted 5 jokes. Red Star User has submitted 10 jokes. Blue Star User has submitted 50 jokes. Glod Star User has submitted 100 jokes. Rainbow Star User has submitted 200 jokes. Red Dot User has cast 10 votes. Small Dartboard User has cast 50 votes. Medium Dartboard User has cast 100 votes. Large Dartboard User has cast 250 votes. Dartboard with 1 Arrow User has cast 500 votes. Dartboard with 2 Arrows User has cast 1000 votes. Dartboard with 3 Arrows User has cast 2500 votes. Smiley Face User's jokes rate at least 2.5 on average. Male signUser is a male. Female SignUser is a female. Pencil with 1 User is a Level 1 Editor. Pencil with 2 User is a Level 2 Editor. Pencil with 3 User is a Level 3 Editor. Thermometer 1/4 red Editor has made 500 edits. Thermometer 1/2 red Editor has made 1000 edits. Thermometer 3/4 red Editor has made 2000 edits. Thermometer 4/4 red Editor has made 4000 edits.", -"We are rated with RSAC i, SafeSurf TM Rated.", -Your joke was submitted., -"1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?'' 2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.'' 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'' 5. ''Damn, this water is cold.'' 6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly. 7. ''Now how did that get there?'' 8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.'' 9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!'' 10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters'' 11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please? 12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!! 13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot'' 14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'' 15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visable to the adjacent stall. 17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!'' 18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''", -A friend in need . . .. . .is a damn nuisance., -"Three guys, who had all died around the same time at about the same place, were waiting to take their place in Heaven. They were told by the angel that there was room for only one of them in Heaven. Their fate would be determined by the way each of them had died, so the angel went to each man and asked how they had died.The first guy, when approached, said:Well, I live on the 14th floor of my apartment building and I came home early from work because I suspected that my wife had been cheating on me, and I wanted to give the other man a piece of my mind. However, when I got home there was no one in the apartment aside from my wife, but my intuition told me otherwise, so I searched the apartment. When I came to my balcony, ready the commit suicide, I saw a man hanging on, at that point I was so angry at him that I stepped on his hands hoping he'd fall off, but he remained firm. So I went back inside and got a hammer and hit his hands, but he still didn't fall off. In my frustration I went in the kitchen and got the refrigerator, flinging myself, the refrigerator, and him down 14 floors. And that is how I died.The second guy said:I am a window washer and was cleaning the windows on the 17 story when my cart broke and I began falling. Luckily I was able to grab onto the 14th story balcony, when this guy comes. I was so relieved thinking I'd be rescued, when instead, he starts stepping on my hands, but I refused to fall and die so I put all my energy into staying on. Then the guy goes back inside and comes back with a hammer and starts hitting my hands again, but I refused to let go. Finally the guy goes back inside and flings himself and refrigerator on me. And that is how I died.The third guy said:Well, I was in this lady's aparment and we were making out on the couch, and things were heating up until her husband comes home early. I quickly hid in the refrigerator, and that's all I remember.Who do you think went to Heaven?", -"I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one! I figure, no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three for each three they unlock!", -"Maybe it's true that life begins at 40. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.", -"I finally got my boss to laugh, said one friend to another after work. Oh, how? I asked for a raise!", -"A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section. Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open. Where are the tortoises? he asked. I can't believe it, said the new employee, I just opened the door and whooooosh, they were gone!", -"1. Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don't know each other. 2. They drive side by side, too. If they can't find another slow driver to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane. 3. Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never look in their rear view mirrors, either. 4. Slow people drift sideways so they'll block the path of anyone trying to pass them. If two people or vehicles are trying to get around them at the same time, they drift into the path of the one that is moving at the highest speed. 5. Follow behind a slow person in the grocery store and you'll wind up with soggy ice cream every time.", -"Three men, a Scotsman, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were given a sentence of life inprisonment for manslauter in Saudi Arabia. When they got to the trial the judge said, It is my daughter's birthday, so you will only be lashed 100 times.They went to the whipman and he said, Today is my birthday, you may all have a wish The Frenchman, who went firstm said, I would like a pillow strapped to my back. He got 33 painless lashes until the pillow broke. He then got hit 77 times on his back.The Scotsman asked for two pillows. He got 66 painless lashes until the pillows broke. Then got 34 whips on his back.The whipman said to the englishman, England is a noble country, therefore you may have two wishes. The Englishman said,Thank you, my first wish is to increase my number of whippings to the maximum 1000. My second wish is to have the frenchman strapped to my back.", -"If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.", -What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi!, -"I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.", -My teacher always used to tell me that double negatives are a real no-no., -"This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water. Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium. She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action. 'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.", -"Knock-Knock.Who's there?Sherwood.Sherwood who? Sherwood like to meet you, so open the door!", -"Once upon a time, there was a girl with a lisp. She couldn't pronounce her c's or s's so she would just leave them out. One day she was going to the bathroom and started singing I've Got Peace Like a River.", -I found this on a can of Juicey-Juice 100% Juice. Just add water., -Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?, -"A quite sobered-up drunk is at Sunday mass listening to a long boring sermon. Feeling still hungover and tired, he finally nods out hoping no one will notice. The priest has been watching him all along and at the end of the sermon, decides to make an example out of him. Who in this room would like a place in heaven, please stand up, he exclaims. The whole room stands up, except, of course, for one. Obviously displeased, he now says loudly, And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP. The man, catching only the last part, groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing up. Confused and embarrassed he says, I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it.", -"After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl? offered the store owner. No, don't bother, replied George. He can't read anyway.", -"One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change he said, You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here. The reindeer looked hard at the hoof full of change and said, Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something buddy. At these prices I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here.", -"- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. - During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway. - He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser. - During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. - He asks a hostile witness to pull my finger. - Every couple of minutes he yells, I call Jack Daniels to the stand! and proceeds to drink a shot. - He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. - He places a large No Refunds sign on the defense table.", -"I went into the kitchen, and there was a tap on the window.Not using that plumber again!", -"Two wrongs do not make a right, but three rights make a left.", -"Is that right, that you Dubliners always answer a question with another question?Now, who would be telling you that?", -"Knock KnockWho's there?DustinDustin who?Dust in the air, please let me in!", -"Yo momma so fat, when she didn't have enough food, she rang 911.", -Knock Knock! Who's There?Candy. Candy who? Candy door even open?, -"A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropologyprofessor who had a knack of offending women. They decidedthe next time he did something offensive they would allstand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the verynext class meeting while discussing a tribe of Africannatives, the professor leered and said, You'll beinterested to know the average tribal warrior there has acock twelve inches long. The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door. The professor sneered and said, What's your hurry, girls? The next flight to there isn't until Saturday!", -"A gang of counterfeiters get a new extremely expensive printing machine, and at great expense, buy some plates, which they were assured were 99.9% perfect.They buy a large consignment of paper which also was virtually identical to the real paper.Gleefully, they switch on the machine and print a few off. They were delighted with the quality of the paper, the inks, and the printing itself - it would fool the best investigators in the whole world - if it wasn't for the fact that the notes were all £18 notes!What were they to do? Eventually, someone suggested going over to Ireland, and changing some of their £18 notes - those stupid Irish wouldn't realise they were being conned!A few days later, and they're in a small Irish pub in the back of beyond, and they ask if they could change one of their beautiful £18 notes.Sure, no problem, says the barman. Would you like 3 £6 notes or 2 £9?", -- Only in America can a pizza guy get to your door faster than an ambulance. - Why do slow-down and slow-up mean the same thing? - Why are wise man and wise guy opposites? - Why is it that when stuff goes on a truck it's called a shipment and on a boat it's called cargo? - Why do we drive in a parkway and park in a driveway? - Why do we press harder on things when we know the batteries are dead?, -"A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game; the optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. Why are you crying? the father asked. Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken, answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. What are you so happy about? he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!", -"An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel and so she began interviewing young lawyers.As I'm sure you can understand, she started off with one of the first applicants, in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question. She leaned forward; Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?Honest? replied the job prospect. Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.Impressive. And what sort of case was that?He squirmed in his seat and admitted, My dad sued me for the money.", -"A guy goes up to his best friend and says, Dude, I need you to do something for me, no questions asked.Okay, says the friend. What is it?I said no questions!", -"A girl was calling her boyfriend because he wasn't online and she wanted him to be. Hello? he said, groggily.I want you to get up and get your ass online. she said.How?I don't know. Get a scanner if you need to. Just get your ass online!", -"In a small southern town there was a Nativity Scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a Quik Stop on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible! I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face, she said, See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'", -"Know why men are men and women are WOmen?Men keep saying -WO man, check out her boobs!", -"There was a teenaged girl name Amanda, who just stepped out of the shower. She wrapped a towel around her body, and went into her room. She was very excited because her long time crush, Jason, was coming over to have dinner. She turned the radio on and her favorite song was playing, so she started to dance and sing. When the song was over she stopped dancing and realized that her towel had come off. She looked towards the door and saw that it was open, and Jason was standing there.", -"A man woke up on his birthday and went downstairs expecting his wife to say Happy Birthday and to give him a nice breakfast. He found that his wife wasn't home and that no breakfast was made. He got a little upset as he drove his kid to school. The whole trip to school was silent. The man got more upset that nobody had remembered his birthday. After he dropped his kid off, he went to work. At work he was greeted by a friendly female co-worker. She said Happy Birthday to him and it made him smile. He told her that nobody had remembered his birthday so she suggested that the two of them go out to eat together to brighten him up. They sat down and ate at a nice resturaunt and afterwards she suggested that they go to her place. The man agreed and when they got there she told him that she was going to slip into something a little more comfortable. A few minutes later she came out of her room dressed exactly the same and she was followed by the man's wife and friends all saying surprise. The man was sitting there, naked, on the couch...", -"With over %d jokes submitted and ranked by users like you, Wocka has the largest collection anywhere on the internet. All of these jokes have been submitted by user like you. Join our community and chat with your fellow commedians and jokers.", -An active message board with hundreds of topics in which to participate., -Send private messages to your friends., -First click the Community button.Then click the Public Fourum button.The first forum is for writing jokes. Discuss how to write funny jokes here., -Have a funny story? Share it here., -Play or chat about games in here., -Talk about anything you want here.O.K. I will. You really need to quit submitting jokes like this. Anybody agree with me?, -"TV, Movies, Music, Books...", -"A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?The husband replied, All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, What are you thinking now?He replied, It looks as if I did a pretty good job.", -"These guidelines are not hard rules for submitting acceptable jokes, but they will help you submit a jokes that the most people will enjoy and rank highly, thus increasing your score.", -"We highly encourage you to do a quick spell check of your joke before submitting it. You can easily do this by copying and pasting the joke into Microsoft Word or some other program that can spell check the text from your joke. Also, you can use Dictionary.com to look up difficult words and how to spell them. Jokes with numerous spelling errors reduce their enjoyability and get lower scores than jokes that are error free.", -"Using proper punctuation, grammar, and spacing is highly recommended because it makes your jokes readable and understandable. If people are having a hard time understanding your jokes, they will be rated poorly and your score will suffer because of it.", -Please properly capitalize the title of the joke and each sentence within the joke. Proper names should also be capitalized., -"Please choose and acceptable rating for the joke before you submit it. People of different ages and preferences read different jokes on this website. If you give a G rating to a dirty joke, some users may get upset and rank your joke poorly. For more information, please read our FAQ.", -Try to refrain from referring to this website or the users of this website in the jokes you post on Wocka. This is mainly because most of the people who read the jokes might not understand the reference to a particular person and they will rate the joke poorly because they do not understand it., -Please do not submit jokes that are copyrighted by someone else. Or ask for permission from the author before you use copyrighted jokes., -To add a joke to this list:Click the Add to My Favorites link when you are viewing a joke.To get rid of one of your favorite jokes:Go to your favorite jokes page.Next to each joke there is a garbage can icon. Click on the icon to get rid of that joke from your favorite's page., -"This list shows all your Wocka Buddies.To add someone to this list:First, find your buddy and click on their name. This brings up their profile.Then, in the Buddy list box it will say Add _______ to your buddy list.__ people have _______ listed as their buddy.______ has ___ people has their buddies.Click on:Add _______ to your buddy list.", -"I'm really too tired and unable to do my home work, the son protested to his father. Now my son, hard work has never killed any one yet, at least not at your age. Yes, but I don't want to run the risk of being the first!", -Knock-KnockWho's there?Tex Tex who? Tex two to tango., -Why do they call it drug abuse when the person abusing the drugs then ends up with half of his brain being rendered useless?, -"There were two high school friends, Artie and Dominick, who did everything together, and were the absolute best of friends. Then they went off to different colleges and were separated for several years. One day, however, Artie was sitting and a bar and looks over and sees his old friend Dominic.Dominic? he shouts.Artie? Dominic replied.Obviously they were happy to see each other again, and spent a long time catching up on old times. Along the course of the conversation, Artie asked Dominick what he did as a career.I'm an inventor, Dominic said.Wow, said Artie, you must be loaded!Well, I would be, except my wife spends all my money. I really hate her and wish she were dead!Well, hey, Artie said, I'm a hit man! I can knock her off for ya!Dominick was pleased with this idea, and offered Artie a great deal of money to do this. Artie, however would not take it, saying that it would be free for his best friend. Dominick felt bad about this, and kept trying to pay SOMETHING to Artie, but he refused. Finally Dominic said, Listen, let me pay you, all right? Just a dollar, okay? A dollar to say that I paid you. Please? Finally, Artie agreed to the cost of one dollar, and the plans were made.Later, while Dominic was away, Artie went to his house and strangled his wife. Just as she died, the butler walked into the room, so Artie strangled him as well. Seconds after his death, in walked the maid, so once again, he was forced to strangle another person. Finally, after she was dead, he raced out of the house and down the street, but was caught by the police.Next day the headlines read:ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR!", -"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing.I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said, pet supplies. So I did.One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.", -"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.", -"I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy.My neighbour has a circular driveway... He can't get out.I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.", -"Yo momma is so fat she wanted to go shopping for a new belt so she reached into the sky, then pulled off one of Saturn's rings and said, Yep! Perfect fit.", -"When I fly, I go Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one-way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?I broke a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.The other day, when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature.I have a very rare photograph. It shows Houdini locking his keys in his car.", -"A male teen walks up to his uncle.Where's Aunt Rhodie? said the teen.In the living room, said his uncle.The teen walks to the door.I wouldnt go in there if I were you, said the uncle, they're talking about female things.The male teen walks in anyway - -the teen comes out all grossed out.What's wrong? said the uncle.I thought you meant SHOES! said the teen.", -"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, Cut it out.All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. It was supposed to be hot today.I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. We're surrounded.I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.", -"Have you ever heard of the Gay Mafia? No?If you don't pay up, they come round your house, and criticize your curtains!", -How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?, -Why did the chicken cross the road?There weren't any cars coming!, -"There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet, as this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was $300.The Japanese man exclaimed, Wah... so expensive!The driver yelled back, Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!", -"These four guys were walking down the street; a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?The Saudi says, What's 'shortage'?The Russian says, What's 'meat'?The North Korean says, What's 'opinion'?The New Yorker, says, 'Excuse me'? What's 'excuse me'?", -"An old Native American wanted a loan of $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, What are you going to do with the money?Take jewelry to city and sell it, said the old man.What have you got for collateral? queried the banker, going strictly by the book.Don't know of collateral.Well, that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup.The banker shook his head, How about livestock?Yes, I have a horse.How old is it?I don't know; it has no teeth.Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, Here's the money to pay loan, he said, handing the entire amount including interest.What are you going to do with the rest of that money?Put it in my pocket.Why don't you deposit it in my bank? he asked.I don't know of deposit.Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, What you got for collateral?", -".When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. And the Americans, they are so friendly! he concluded.Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, 'Jose, can you see?'", -".We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car. We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs. We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour. Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes. We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the Star Spangled Banner. We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time. We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild. We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm. In the office we talk about baseball, shopping, or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall, or on the lake, we talk about business. We are the only people in the world who will pay $8.00 to park our car while eating a $5.00 sandwich. We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it. We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power. We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.", -"A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink? The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hamster. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The hamster stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening? The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the hamster's music.While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. Sorry, the man replies, He's not for sale. The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. No, he insists, He's not for sale. The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.Are you insane? the bartender demanded. That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000! Don't worry about it. the man answered. The frog was really nothing special. You see, the hamster's a ventriloquist.", -"A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.Tell me, said he, if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?The inmate said, It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released I shall confine myself to work in pure theory; where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.Marvelous, said the head of the institution.Or else, ruminated the inmate, I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.Absolutely, said the head.Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.An interesting possibility, said the head.And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.", -"Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive, says the beaming boy to his father. Nope, comes dad's reply, I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years.", -What do you call a black priest?Holy Shit, -"With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. May we see the new baby? one of them asked. Not yet, said the mother. I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first. Another half hour passed before another relative asked, May we see the new baby now? No, not yet, said the mother. A while later and again the guests asked, May we see the baby now? No, not yet, replied the mother. Growing impatient, they asked, Well, when can we see the baby? When she cries! she told them. When she cries? they gasped. Why do we have to wait until she cries? Because, I forgot where I put her.", -"God went to the Arabs and said, I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better. And the Arabs asked, What are Commandments? And the Lord said, They are rules for living. Can you give us an example? Thou shalt not kill. Not kill? We're not interested. So he went to the Blacks and said, I have Commandments. And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, Honor thy Father and Mother. Father? We don't know who our fathers are. So He went to the Mexicans and said, I have Commandments. And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, Thou shalt not steal. Not steal? We're not interested. He went to the French and said, I have Commandments.The French wanted an example and the Lord said, Thou shalt not commit adultery. Not commit adultery? We're not interested.He went to the Jews and said, I have Commandments. Commandments? they said, How much are they? They're free.We'll take 10.", -"The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed that a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, twin brothers, who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force? The young man looks at him and says, I'm a pilot! The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it! The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, What skills to you bring to the Air Force? The young man says, I chop wood! Son, the general replies, we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do? I chop wood! Young man, huffs the general, you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century! Well, the young man says, you hired my brother! Of course we did, says the general, he's a pilot! The young man rolls his eyes and says, So what? I have to chop it before he can pile it!", -"An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, Anything you can do, I can do better.Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52, however, continued its flight, straight and level.Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, I'm waiting, what are you going to do? We just shut down two engines.", -"A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear - no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, Halt, who goes there? The chauffeur, a corporal, says, General Wheeler. I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield. The general said, Drive on! The sentry said, Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker. The general repeated, I'm telling you, son, drive on! The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?", -"A soldier had lost his bayonet and whittled one from wood so he could stand inspection. He was hoping not to be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle where he could pick up one from a dead soldier. At an inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, Sir, I promised my father I would never unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill with it. The officer insisted he hand over the bayonet. Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and declared, May the Lord change this bayonet to wood for breaking my vow.", -"Two blond labourers looking for work arrive at a railway station, and ask for one-way tickets. The ticket-seller looks through his schedule, but can't find the place the blonds are seeking.But you must be able to find it, says one.We read in the papers that there are thousands of jobs in Jeopardy!", -"A parachute used once, but has never been open!", -Knock Knock!Who's There? Eileen. Eileen who? Eileen on the door until you open it, -"Yo momma's cooking so bad, she's got a toothbrush next to her plate instead of a knife!", -"Little Johnny's mum was sitting in front of computer while Johnny was making sandwiches. She said to Johhny, You're the best sandwich maker ever, and Johnny says No mum, you're just lazy.hahahahahahahahahahaha", -Why did the boy buy a new bum?Coz his had a crack in it., -"My mum told me that picking my nose was disgusting,and from now on, I had to pick it myself.", -"I was talking to my sister's boyfriend one day and I asked him if prettyful was a word. He said, Well, I use it a lot. Whenever I've just eaten and someone asks me if I'm hungry, I say 'I'm pretty full.", -"Knock knock Who's there? can't catch.can't catch who? me, you can't catch me!", -This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over.You got any I.D.? the patrolman asked.'Bout what? the hillbilly replied., -"A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The disturbance turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.Said the policeman, I'll bet that you're also an escape artist - probably better than Houdini.The giant nodded.If I had some chains, the deputy continued, you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. I can't get out of these, the giant growled.Are you sure? the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. Nope, he replied. I can't do it.In that case, said the deputy, you're under arrest.", -"A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said Why did you put up such a fight?To which the man replied, I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!", -"Here is a collection of freshman history bloopers collected by a Canadian history professor over the years.After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgundy, central Europe and India thus serrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years.Louise XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes only to humour Peter the Great. Peter filled his goverment with accidental people and built a new capital near the European boarder. Orthodox priests became government antennae.The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare wrote a book called Candy that got him into trouble with Frederick the Great. Philosophers were unknown as yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious toleration slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution evolved through republican and tolarian phases until it catapulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815. Throughout the comparatively radical years 1815-1870 the western European continent was undergoing a Rampant period of economic modification. Industrialisation was precipitating in England.Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a city population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose.Great Brittian, the USA and other European countries had demicratic leanings. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and anal parliment. Voting was to be done by ballad.", -"Here is a collection of freshman history bloopers collected by a Canadian history professor over the years.During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle aged. Church and state were cooperatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords and surfs. It is unfortunate that we do not have a medivel European laid out on a table before us, ready for dissection.After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeoed into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside.Mideval people were violent. Murder during this Period was nothing. Everybody killed someone. England fought numerously for land in France and ended up wining and losing. The Crusades were a series of military expaditions made by Christians seeking to free the holy land from the Islams.In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose. Finally Europe caught the Black Death. The bubonic plague is a social disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse and other etceteras. It was spread from port to port by infected rats. Victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The plague also helped the emergance of the English language as the national language of England, France and Italy.The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renasence bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world thanks to Northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Art was on a more associated level. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out of their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes were going to Papal France or the Pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. Traditions had become oppressive so they too were crushed in the wake of man's quest for ressurection above the not-just-social beast he had become. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Calvinism was the most convenient religion since the days of the ancients. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. The Popes, of course, were usually Catholic. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.", -I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work. I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener., -"A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman. The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back. The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman. The detective responded, I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!", -Knock-Knock! Who's there?Maida. Maida who? Maida force be with you!, -"The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.Blood flows down one leg and up the other.A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.", -Have you noticed since most people have a camcorder these days there are not as many people talking about seeing UFOs as there use to be?, -Knock Knock! Who's There?Abbott.Abbott who?Abbott time you answered the door!, -"A man is walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP.. BUMP... behind him Walking faster he looks back and can make out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ...BUMP, it goes.. ...BUMP.. ...BUMP.. Terrified, the man begins to run towards his house, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him.. Faster.. FASTER.. BUMP.. BUMP.. BUMP! He runs up to the door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.. However, the coffin crashes through the door - its lid clapping dementedly.. Clappity-BUMP.. Clappity-BUMP.. Clappity-BUMP.. Hot on the heels of the terrified man.. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is mixed with sobs and gasps.. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.. The man screams and reaches for something, anything... but all he can find is a bottle of Benylin in the medicine cabinet.. Desperate, he throws the bottle at the coffin.. ...the coffin stops!", -"1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed.2. All Polar Bears are left-handed.3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar Bear.1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles.2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles.3. Work stuffs up your eyesight.1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second.2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second.3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant.", -"Aig - What a hen lays.Aints - He's got aints in his paints.Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a morning.Arn - Ma's tard of arnin.Bag - He bagged her to marry him.Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence.Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.Bub - the light bub burned out.Cheer - What you set in.Crick - A small stream.Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon.Chiny - country over in Asia.Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes.Core - He got hisself a new Ford core.Cyow - Animal on Farm.Deppity - He helps out the shurf..Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt.Dainz - Satidy night social.Ellum - A graceful tree.Fanger - What you put your rang on.Faince - Whats round the hawg lot.", -"Far - What get the brandin arn hot.Furred - He got furred from his job.Flar - A rose is a purdy flar.Frash - Them aigs ain't frash.Furiners - All non-'bamans.Further - Hits ten miles further to town.Grain - She was grain with envy.Hail - Where bad folks go.Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n.Hilbilly - People in the next county.Hollar What's between the hills.Hard - Got a brend new hard.Tar - His core blew a tar.Laymun - A sour fruit.Laig - Most folks have two of them.Lather - What you climb up.Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin. Mailk - what you get from cyows.Mere - What you see yourself in.", -Minners - Live bait.Misrus - Married woman.Nar - Opposite of wide.Nayk - Your head sets on it.Nup No.Orrel - Them hinges need orrel.Ormy - What the sojers go in.Pank - A light red color.Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow.Petition - What separate the rooms.Poke - A paper bag or sack.Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in.Salit - A green vegetable.Puppet - What the preacher is in.Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher.Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig.Rang - You wear it on your fanger.Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts.Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town., -Rainch - A big cow farm.Rat - Do it rat now!Rench - Rench the soap yourself.Roont - She plum roont her shoes.Salary - A stringy vegetable.Soardeens - Small canned fish.Shar - A light rain.Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain.Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody.Pop - A soft drink.Sprang - Water out'n the ground.Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail.Storch - This here aprn has too much storch in it.Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death.Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart.Tho - Tho me the ball.Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat.War - A bobbed war fance.Worsh - Go worsh your face.Warter - What you worsh your face in.Yurp - A continent overseas., -"For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.Give and you might receive; take and be sure.I can't remember the last time I forgot something.I'm not schizophrenic, and neither am I.In an atomic attack, all men will be cremated equal.It's bad luck to be superstitious.I've been meaning to start procrastinating for some time now.Logic the art of being wrong, with confidence.Old age isn't so bad, when you consider the alternative.Shin a device for finding furniture in the dark.Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes.No matter where you go, there you are.What are occasional tables the rest of the time?", -"These are my summer clothes. Summer paid for, summer not. How do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from a duck.Why couldn't anyone play cards on the ark? Because Noah sat on the deck.Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other You drive, I'll man the guns.The Russians are very jealous of the American's Stealth Bombers, so they've decided to build their own. It'll be called the Optical Illyushin.One good turn... gets all the blankets.", -"I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them.Now I can ride a unicycle.", -"God was in Heaven and was getting particularly bored. Oh what can I do? he exclaimed.St. Peter came up to him and suggested he take a vacation.That's a great idea, but where should I go? asked God.How about the moon? suggested St. Peter.Well, I could, but there's no gravity on the moon, stated GodThen how about the Earth?When St. Peter said this God's eyes widened and he said, Are you mad? I went there 2000 years ago, met a nice Jewish girl and they're still talking about it!", -"Mosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar.", -I'll tell ya later., -"My mate's a maniakleptic he walks into shops backwards and leaves things.Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?It is better to have loved a short man, than never to have loved a tall.If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.", -"It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. - S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.", -"A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Forgetting completely about the cyclist he's towing, the Corvette pulling the bike immediately took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 90 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 90 mph. He then delayed,And you're not going to believe this, but there's this REALLY amazing guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass!", -What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a drum., -"Joseph, a rather religous man with a rather large sweet-tooth, had voleentered at the church bake sale. Business was booming, at least around noon, but by two o'clock, it was practically barren. While no one was looking he took a donut from the table. On his way home he started to feel guilty. It was just one donut, he told himself just one dollar, thats all.But it was a dollar that the church should have. Another side told him. It continued this was for the rest of drive.When he got home his wife was setting dinner on the table. It was a beatiful Sunday ham. After dinner she took out a heavenly fresh cherry pie. He refused to eat it. He couldnt even look at another pastry and simply ran up to bed.It took him another hour to fall asleep. His mind was spinning.The next day he woke up still feeling guilty. He wouldn't touch his wife's corn muffins, he didn't sneak pie when his wife wasnt looking, even the donuts in conference room B seemed to taunt him.Again that night he took an hour to fall asleep.By the next day he couldn't take it anymore on his lunch break he drove right for the church. He parked his car and went to the coffessional.Hello, my son The priest said in an old wise voice. The man replied, Good afternoon father, its been 48 hours since my last confection...", -"Have you ever had a tick before? asked Mel.No, I've only ever had crosses, replied Sally.", -"1. Look before you leapHe who hesitates is lost2. If at first you don't succeed, try, try againDon't beat your head against a brick wall3. Absence makes the heart grow fonderOut of sight, out of mind4. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do todayDon't cross the bridge until you come to it5. Two heads are better than onePaddle your own canoe6. More haste less speedTime waits for no man7. You're never too old to learnYou can't teach an old dog new tricks8. A word to the wise is sufficientTalk is cheap9. It's better to be safe than sorryNothing ventured, nothing gained10. Don't look a gift horse in the mouthBeware of Greeks bearing gifts11. Do unto others as you would have others do unto youNice guys finish last12. Hitch your wagon to a starDon't bite off more than you can chew13. Many hands make light workToo many cooks spoil the broth14. Don't judge a book by its coverClothes make the man15. The squeaking wheel gets the greaseSilence is golden16. Birds of a feather flock togetherOpposites attract17. The pen is mightier than the sword Actions speak louder than words", -"Shakespeare walks into a bar and the bartender shouts at him,You can't come in here, you're Bard!", -Do doughnut shops need security systems?, -"Yo momma is so fat, I gave her a piggyback ride and I got scoliosis.", -"A bear, a lion and a chicken were having a discussion as to which one of them scares humans the most.I only have to growl, said the bear, and people start to get a bit nervous.The lion said, I just have to roar and people run away.That's nothing, replied the chicken. I only have to sneeze and the whole world panics.", -"Two bees in their hive on a lovely summer day, and one says to the other,'Swarm in here, isn't it?", -What do you call Santa when he's been to the beach?Sandy Claus!, -"Knock knock.Who's there?He.He who?He who must not be named, so don't say it!", -"A student on a class trip to the natural-history museum asks the guard, Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are? The guard tells him, Three-million-four years and six months old. The student says. How do you know that so precisely? The guard says, Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.", -"What did the bald man say when he was given a comb for his birthday?Oh, thank you! I'll never part with it!", -"Charles the First walked and talked half an hour after his head was cut off.Make sense?It should be-Charles the First walked and talked. Half an hour after, his head was cut off.", -"Everybody knows about the kangaroo, the tall marsupial that lives in Australia, but when settlers first went there, they were amazed and had never seen anything like them. They asked an aborigine what the animals were called. He replied, Kangaroo, so that is what the settlers called them. Little did they know, kangaroo is an aboriginal phrase meaning, I don't understand your question.", -"An Irish guy was digging a hole in his front lawn, when his neighbour walks by and says, Hey, Patrick, what are you doing?Digging a hole, said Patrick.What's wrong with the hole next to it? said his neighbour.That one wasn't deep enough, said Patrick.", -"1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap. 2. Cats look silly on a leash. 3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place. 4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born. 5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is. 6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers. 7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all. 8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you. 9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain. 10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.", -"Steve is playing with his 3 friends at his tree in the back garden, and his mum comes out and shouts,If all four of you fall out of that tree and break both legs, then don't come running to me!", -"Yo mamma so fat that when I swerved around her in my car, I ran out of petrol!", -"You're so stupid, you traded your car in for petrol!", -You're as bright as a broken lightbulb!, -You're as funny as a ripped-up joke book!, -you're as smart as a broken calculator!!!!!!!, -A man., -If at first you don't suceed...lower your standards!, -"A boy was trying to impress his mum on his new bike. He was going down the path and said to his mum,Look, mum, no feet!He then put his feet back on the bike and removed his hands from the handlebars. He then shouted,Look, mum, no hands!He then lost control of the bike and collided with a tree. His mum ran up to his side, whereas her son said,Look, mum, no teeth.", -"When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he dosent get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris'd.Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse. It's decendants are know as giraffes.Chuck Norris doesn't need oxygen, oxygen needs Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris doesn't pay off debt, debt pays off Chuck Norris.", -"Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.", -"Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success, he cackled. I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now. The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.", -"Knock Knock!Who's There?Dot.Dot who?Dots for me to know, and you to find out.", -"To get your Star Wars name, do the following:1) Start with the 1st 3 letters of your last name 2) Add the first two letters of your first name 3) Add the first two letters of your mother's maiden name 4) Add the first two letters of the city in which you were born 5) Then, if you want, you can remove one letter to make it sound cool.", -The can was invented quite a while before the can opener., -What do you call the planters guy beating up fruit spread?Peanut battering jelly., -"Guy goes to see his doctor - Doctor, please help me, I've got kleptomania bad!OK, take these pills, one a day, but if they've not worked in a month, could you get me an LCD telly?", -"In The Greatest Story Ever Told, John Wayne played a centurion at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.One of his lines was, Truly he is the Son of God!The director felt John W. wasn't putting enough into it, and asked him to deliver the line again, but with a little more emphasis - to put some awe into it.OK, says John, Awww - truly he is the Son of God!", -"Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is, Kathy said. Chuck asked her what it was, and she told him there was water in the carburettor. Chuck thought for a moment, then said, You know, I don't mean to be offensive, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator. No, there's definitely water in the carburettor, Kathy insisted. OK honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it? In the lake! she said.", -Yo Momma is so stupid she took wood to the movie SAW!!, -We all know that a good old fashioned zombie says Braaaaiiiiins!But what would these zombies say?A Vegan Zombie - Graaaaaiiiiins!A 1940's Mobster Zombie - Daaaaaaames!A Michael Jordan Zombie - Haaaaaayynes!A Vampire Zombie - Veeeeeeeiiiiins!A Masochistic Zombie - Paaaaaiiiiiins!A Maid Zombie - Staaaaaiiiins!, -"A guy goes to the dentist and says, How much to get these two teeth pulled?$80 a tooth, he replies.For two minutes work! That's crazy! said the patient.Trust me, said the dentist, You don't want me to do it any slower.", -"This big-time rancher from Texas met a Missouri farmer on a business trip.The Texas rancher bragged, I can get in my truck, drive all day, and never cross the boundary of my ranch!Yep, replied the little Missouri farmer, I had a truck like that once, too.", -She left him because he had a will of his own. And it wasn't made out to her!, -A detective was questioning a burglary suspect. Where were you between five and six? he asked.In kindergarten! he replied, -"A young boy called to his mother from the yard, Mom, would you rather me fall out of a tree and break my arm or just tear a hole in my Sunday slacks? Well, she replied, I guess I'd pray that you just ripped your pants. The kid yells back, Your prayers have been answered!", -"A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude, he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse. Hold it, neighbor, the man says, I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only six miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time. Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, How should I dress? Aw, don't matter, replied the neighbor, Only gonna be the two of us.", -"Knock Knock!Who's There?Radio.Radio Who?Radio not, here I come!", -"One chicken says to the other,For heaven's sake, don't cross the road! We'll never hear the end of it!", -"Yo momma's so fat, when she turns around another year has passed already!", -Yo Momma is so fat she needs mapquest to find her butt!, -Knock knock.Who's there?Haf.Haf who.Haf you ever opened the door because I'm tired of waiting., -Yo Momma smells so bad the skunk gave her his stripe., -Knock knock.Who's there?Doughnut.Doughnut who?I doughnut want to know if you're sick!, -"George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart:Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail.", -"There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there? asked George.George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion. said Sam.Okay, I can do that. George answered.Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle said Sam.OK, OK, let's go! said George.Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK? said Sam.Sure says George.Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am.", -"The Frenchman, the German, and the Israeli were standing around in the cafe in Tel Aviv, comparing their lifestyles.When I go to work, said the Frenchman, I drive my Renault. On weekends I drive my $30,000 Peugeot. And when I travel abroad, I always drive a $50,000 Citroen.Bah,said the German, I drive a Volkswagen to work. But on weekends I drive a $50,000 BMW, and when I go abroad, I always take my customized $60,000 Mercedes.Very impressive, the Israeli admitted. As for me, I take the bus to work, and on Sundays I motor around in my little Ford. But when I go abroad, I drive a $250,000 tank.", -"Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, the man said, Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and assuage my guilt?Certainly not, said the priest. As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.I-I tried, the man sobbed, but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.Thanking the priest, the man hurried off.When confession was over, the priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his Thanksgiving turkey.", -"After she was finished with Cinderella, the fairy godmother paid a visit on another poor young girl, Minuetta. Extremely flat-chested, the woman is convinced that her life would improve if only she had large breasts. All right, the fairy godmother said. How about we fix it so that every time a man says 'pardon' to you, your breasts grow a bit. Delighted with the arrangement, Minuetta goes to the market next day. Bumping into the woodcutter, she's delighted when he tips his hat, says, I beg your pardon, and her breasts grow nearly an inch. Later, when a coachmean accidentally splashes mud on her, he stops and says, Pardon me. Her breasts grow again. Smiling radiantly when she reaches the market, she goes to the vegetable stand and asks the Arab merchant for some bread. While he's handing it to her, he accidentally knocks a tub of jam on her dress. Oh dear, he bows and scrapes, a thousand pardons!", -"Knock, knock.Who's there?Esther.Esther who?The Esther Bunny.Knock, knock.Who's there?Stella.Stella who?Stella nother Esther Bunny.Knock, knock.Who's there?Samoa.Samoa who?Samoa Esther Bunnies.Knock, knock.Who's there?Consumption.Consumption who?Consumption be done about all these Esther Bunnies?Knock, knock.Who's there?Esther.Esther who?Esther anyone else as sick of this joke as I am?", -"How many mathematicians does it take to replace a lightbulb?Pi. 3 screw exactly a radius's length, and the last about-one-seventh screws it in all the way!", -"One day St. Peter visited Hell to make certain that the sinners were being adequately punished. During his tour he noticed that Hitler was standing in feces up to his chin. Surprisingly, the Fuhrer was smiling. I don't understand, sasid St. Peter. How can you smile when you'll be spending all of eternity in excrement? Hitler replied, I'm smiling because I'm standing on Mussolini's shoulders.", -"Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping??VVVVVVVVVVVVVVHe loved it, but it scared the heck out of his dog.", -Virginity is like a balloon. One prick and it's gone!, -"Whenever I have to go up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator because one time i was on an escalator and I tripped...So i was falling for an hour and a half.", -"A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house.While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, 'Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?'The kid says, 'Daddy told me you were a self-made man.' 'I am.''Well, why did you make yourself like that?'", -Question:What is a Kentucky Virgin?Answer:A really ugly seven year old girl who can run faster than her older brother., -All you see in the sports media nowadays is the fact that athletes are taking steriods and other performance enhanceing drugs to become stronger and faster.So instead of going out and buying a new car I put some steriods in the gas tank.... I wonder if I will get the same result?, -"As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, Wow! It just missed the highway!", -"In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. It's not for sale, said the proprietor. Look, said the collector, that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars. It's a deal, said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten. For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer, said the connoisseur. The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.Nothing doing, said the proprietor firmly. That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats.", -"An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep. I have good news for you, the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over. Great, the blond answered, I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot. A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before! I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. Those are the strongest pills on the market! That may be true, answered the blond wearily, but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!", -How many men does it take to find anything?Zero.They have to ask a woman 1st and then after she tells them exactly where it is for the umpteenth time they still can't find it.....The now exasperated woman goes gets it for them in the exact place she has told them it was.Duh!!!, -George W. Bush....that's it, -Did you ever notice that a lot of people will do just about anything to get attention?Like putting jokes up on a website! P.S I love Wocka., -"A 100 year old man sits on the edge of his bed on the day of his 100th birthday.He looks down at his feet and says well feet, you're 100 years old today!He then looks at his hands and says, well hands, you are 100 years old today.He goes into the bathroom, looks in the mirror, and says, well face, you are 100 years old today.He then goes over to the toilet to relieve himself, and looks down at his penis and says, Well old buddy, if you would have made it, you would have been 100 years old today!", -Did you hear about the morning after pill for guys?It changes his blood type., -What do women with no legs leave behind when they cross a linoleum floor?Snail Tracks., -"Have you ever seen Moth Balls?You have!!!How did you get their teeny, tiny and poor little legs apart?Ya fiend!", -What do a walrus tupperware have in common?They both like a tight SEAL!, -What is Jewish beer called?He Brew!!, -"Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.You're not allowed to pee in the pool, says the lifeguard. I'm going to report you.But everyone pees in the pool, whined Little Johnny.Maybe, answered the lifeguard, but not from the diving board!", -Yo mama so fat when jumps up in the air she gets stuck., -What's the difference between a religious woman and a supposedly regular woman in a bathtub?One has HOPE in her soul., -Made up this joke myself..Please laugh.When I go all the way blind ; my Mommie's gonna give me a new kitty and tell me that I can only play with it outside in the street.The Kittie's name is Pe-Pe-La-Pugh.She tell's me it's black white.Love that kitty.Rhhhhhhhhh!, -This is funny., -Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it., -What can you break without saying its' name?Silence...Shhh!, -"MysteryAll my life has been a mysteryYou and I were never ever meant to beThats why I call my love for you... a mystery.Different countryYou and I have always lived in different countriesAnd I know that airline tickets don't grow on a treeSo what kept us apart is plain for me to seeThat part at least, is not really much of a mystery.EstuaryI live on a houseboat on an estuaryWhich is handy for my work with the port authorityBut I'm sure you would have found itInsanit-eryInsanit-eryHeaded meI am foolish to ignore the possibilty That if we actually met, you might have a taken a really violent dislike of meBut thats not the only problem I can seeDead since 1993You've been dead now, wait a minute, let me see,14 years come next Janu-a-ryAs a human beign you are historySo why do I still long for youWhy is my love so strong for youWhy did I write this song for youWell, I guess it's just a mysteryMystery", -"A man's mother-in-law moves in with him. About two weeks later, he comes home and discovers her lying on the floor of the living room. He calls 911 and they send the ambulance over, and the ambulance rushes the woman to the hospital. The man is pacing the waiting room. A doctor finally comes out to speak with him.The doctor says, I have good news, and bad news. The man replies, Well, tell me the good news first.The doctor says, Your mother-in-law sustained a major heart attack, but she didn't die. In fact she will probably live another 20 to 30 years. She unfortunately lost her ability to speak, and she will make this awful screeching and squawking noise, like a parrot. She has also lost control of her bodily functions, so you will have to change her diapers and wash her; she has also lost the mobility of her limbs, so you will have to feed her and care for her for the next 20 to 30 years.The man replies, Oh my God; what is the bad news, Doc?The doctor replies, No, I'm just messing with you; she really died.", -"Your mamma is soooo ugo...When you look in the mirror you die of fright, as you look just like her.", -"A man walks into a bar and says, Give me a beer before problems start! Again, the man orders a beer again saying, Give me a beer before problems start! The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, When are you going to pay for these beers? The man answers, Ah, now the problems start!", -"A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:Dear Grandmother,I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.With love,Mike", -"Phone won't stop ringing? Here's what you do -Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem, but unlike most people she did something about it. The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola. From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands. At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, No problem. How many nights? A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. No, that won't be necessary, Leola said. We trust you. The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II. She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers. Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events. Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel. Leola replied, We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number.", -"It was the first day of school and this girl's teacher asked her what her name was. She said Texas. The teacher said, Haha, no really, what's your name? and the girl said, Texas, so the teacher said, Go to the principal's office.The principal said, What's your name? She replied, Texas. He said, Funny, what's your name? and she said, Texas, so he sent her home.As Texas was walking home, a guy stopped her and said, What's your name? She said, Texas. He said, That's funny. No, really, what's your name? She said, Texas. He said, I will stab you with my mother's butcher knife if you don't tell me what your real name is, and she said, IT'S TEXAS! so he stabbed her. When he got home, his mother asked, Where's my butcher knife? and he sang DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!", -"1. Who's idea was it to put s in the word Lisp?2. Trust in God, but keep your car locked.3. They say that swimming is good for your figure. If so, what happened to whales?", -"1) If it rings, put it on hold. 2) If it clanks, call the repairman. 3) If it whistles, ignore it. 4) If it's a friend, take a break. 5) If it's the boss, look busy. 6) If it talks, take notes. 7) If it's handwritten, type it. 8) If it's typed, copy it. 9) If it's copied, file it.10) If it's Friday, forget it!", -Please Don't Hurt Me by I. Bruce EasilyLife Through the Eyes of a Drunk by Al CoholicThirty yards to the outhouse by Will E. MakeitThe Proper Use of Sunscreens by Justin Casey BurnsHow To Cure Scratching by Ivan AwfulichDiscount Alternatives by Robin Stuff, -"An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. I just got some news, Mom, he said. The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think? What do I think? his mother said. Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!", -"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.", -"DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed .DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called shampoo. What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call beer. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies, and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.", -"Save the whales, harpoon a fat chick!", -"In a small town, an frightened man ran inside the local pub and shouted, Does anyone here own a big black dog with a white collar?But no one answered and he said, Oh my God,I must have run over the Vicar!", -"3 men sell their bodies to science, for an exsperiment on a new military weapon to scare enemy soldiers by turning them into the enemies idea of the most scary, repulsive idea possible temporarily. The first man has his wife looking at him, drinks the chemical, and turns into a half-fish half-octopus with fur. The second guy has his therapist looking at him, and turns into a giant bald hamster with a snake head. The third guy has his girlfriend looking at him, he drinks the chemical. Nothing happens.", -Hubluza, -"Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:In Memory of Beza WoodDeparted this lifeNov. 2, 1837Aged 45 yrs.Here lies one WoodEnclosed in woodOne WoodWithin another.The outer woodIs very good:We cannot praiseThe other. On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:Under the sod and under the treesLies the body of Jonathan Pease.He is not here, there's only the pod:Pease shelled out and went to God. The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:Who was fatally burnedMarch 21, 1870by the explosion of a lampfilled with R.E. Danforth'sNon-Explosive Burning Fluid Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:Born 1903 - Died 1942Looked up the elevator shaft to see ifthe car was on the way down. It was. In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:Here lies an AtheistAll dressed upAnd no place to go.", -"Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:I was somebody.Who, is no businessOf yours. Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:Here lies Lester MooreFour slugs from a .44No Les No More. John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:Reader if cash thou artIn want of anyDig 4 feet deepAnd thou wilt find a Penny. On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:She always said her feet were killing herbut nobody believed her. In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:On the 22nd of June- Jonathan Fiddle -Went out of tune. Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:Here lies the body of our AnnaDone to death by a bananaIt wasn't the fruit that laid her lowBut the skin of the thing that made her go. More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:Gone awayOwin' moreThan he could pay.", -"On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:Here liesEzekial AikleAge 102The GoodDie Young. In a London, England cemetery:Ann MannHere lies Ann Mann,Who lived an old maidBut died an old Mann.Dec. 8, 1767 In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:Anna WallaceThe children of Israel wanted breadAnd the Lord sent them manna,Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,And the Devil sent him Anna. Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:Here liesJohnny YeastPardon meFor not rising. Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:Here lies the bodyof Jonathan BlakeStepped on the gasInstead of the brake. In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:Here lays Butch,We planted him raw.He was quick on the trigger,But slow on the draw. A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:Sacred to the memory ofmy husband John Barneswho died January 3, 1803His comely young widow, aged 23, hasmany qualifications of a good wife, andyearns to be comforted. A lawyer's epitaph in England:Sir John StrangeHere lies an honest lawyer,And that is Strange.", -"A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles.The boy replied, That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward.", -Float like a butterflySting like a beeI slept with yo mommaNow it burns when I pee !, -Why do chicken coops have two doors?Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan., -"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember everything.", -"We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week -- all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn. --Stephen Colbert Yesterday Condoleezza Rice went into President Bush's office and said, 'I'm off to Lebanon.' And President Bush said, 'Vacation?'. --Jay Leno Saddam Hussein has been on a hunger strike for seventeen days. They had to nurse him back to health with a feeding tube to get him healthy enough so he can go back on trial. And then be put to death. It is an odd thing. Two years ago, we were dropping ten thousand pound bombs on the guy. Now we're feeding him nutrients through a tube. No wonder he's confused. --Jimmy Kimmel This Friday, 'American Idol' winner Taylor Hicks will go to the White House to meet with President Bush. That's pretty cool, isn't it? Imagine an awkward Southern guy, who nobody thought could win anything, sitting down with the 'American Idol,' Taylor Hicks. --Jay Leno Earlier today, former President Bill Clinton campaigned for Senator Joe Lieberman. Clinton got the crowd so worked up that they had trouble sleeping through the Lieberman speech. --David Letterman In the debate in the House the other day on banning gay marriage, Democratic Tennessee Congressman Lincoln Davis said we should go one step further and outlaw adultery and make it a felony. Have an affair and you can go to prison. And you thought a lot of congressmen went to jail for bribery. How overcrowded is it going to be now? --Jay Leno", -"On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, which expressed Deepest Sympathy.While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.Oh, it's all right, said the storekeeper. I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.But, added the florist, I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party.Well, what did it say? ask the storekeeper.'Congratulations on your new location', was the reply.", -"The Vice President and his best friends were out hunting birds. People in the office knew that the best friend had some dirt on the vice president. When the vice president came back from hunting, the guy that owned the hunting place asked, Where's your friend? The Vice President started to shake and said, Oh he's still hunting. I have my animals in this gym bag here. O.k. A week later he came back alone. Then when he got to the car the next day a police man was writing a parking ticket. The officer said, Sorry, sir, but I have to write you a ticket, and glanced at his police partner in his police car. Then the Vice President said, Ok, let me just unlock the car and I'll be on my way. Then when he clicked the trunk opener by accident, the trunk popped, and there was his best friend dead in the trunk and he said, Oops ...This shows how stupid some politicans can be.", -"When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a portable hand-held communications inscriber, says a Republican senator.", -"William P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets.", -Knock knock!Who's there? Ya. Ya who? What are you getting so excited about?, -"Now I lay me down to sleep;If I die before I wake,Please somebody; step on the BRAKE!", -"Don't worry, you aren't fat. You're only fluffy!", -"A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.Calling out to the patient, the man says, Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?The patient calls back, One moment! and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.With a compass, the patient locates north, and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.Withdrawing a slide ruler from his pocket, the patient calculates stuff rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian saying, It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is.The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.Before he leaves, he says to the patient, That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow? The patient holds up his wrist and says, I suppose I'd just look at my watch.", -"Pointer Setter Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet. Kerry Blue Terrier Skye Terrier Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.Great Pyrenees Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.Pekinese Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog.Irish Water Spaniel English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.Labrador Retriever Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists everywhere.Newfoundland Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.Terrier Bulldog Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.Malamute Pointer Moot Point, a dog that....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.Collie Malamute Commute, a dog that travels to work.Deerhound Terrier Derriere, a dog that's true to the end. Bull Terrier Shih Tzu Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed.", -"Two Arab fathers are showing each other their family photos. One shows the other a picture and says This is my oldest, he is a martyr. This is my second oldest, he is also a martyr. The other Arab father just sighs and says Ahh, they blow up so quickly these days!", -"The Fandersan family is a family with two parents and two kids.One day, Mr. Fandersan decided to bring home a state of the art moterhome. When he got home with the motorhome, he left it in the driveway. He then went to bed.But, the next day it was missing. On the driveway there was a note. It said,We have stolen the motorhome.The parents were freaked out!!This is a parent's worst nightmare!! Our kids have stolen the car AND are home alone!!!", -"Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of the weddings on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new husbands. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughter's room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, Why were you screaming last night? The daughter replied Mom, you always told me if something hurt I should scream.That's true. She looked at her second daughter. Why were you laughing so much last night?The daughter replied Mom, you always said that if something tickled you should laugh.That's also true. Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. Why was it so quiet in your room last night?The youngest daughter replied Mom, you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full.", -"Elderly Man Sued for Stopping at Stop SignSeptember 9, 2002 - Atlanta, USAIn a case possibly first of its kind, 67 year old Arthur Thompson is being sued by 32 year old Lynn Manaouski for stopping at a 4-way stop sign. In her statement she described how she came up to the intersection leading into her downtown condo, and rear ended the driver in front of her due to his 'complete and full stop'. She continues to say that of the almost 2 years of living in that particular condominium complex, she had not once been behind someone who had made a full stop at the stop sign, and that his inability to be 'consistent with typical driving patterns' caused the accident. As a result, she is convinced that Mr. Thompson is directly responsible for the accident and should be held accountable for all incurred costs of repair to both vehicles. When reminded that it is the law to make a complete stop at a stop sign, her abrupt response was I am quite capable of deciding when it is a good or bad time to stop my vehicle.Owner of Perfect House Lives in CarSeptember 18, 2002 - Baltimore, USAIn fear of possibly disturbing the perfection that is his house, Donald Manison has been forced to live in his 1998 Dodge Caravan. I became obsessive, everything in the house was so photo-perfect that I was eventually scared of walking on the carpet in fear that I might disturb the direction of the carpet threads. Magazines wanting a glimpse and photos of the perfect house were limited to viewing through opened ground floor windows. When asked how long he will continue his present lifestyle he replied, If living in my mini-van is payment for a perfect house, I'm willing to pay.Lack of Talent Contest Being Held for Next Batch of Mac CommercialsJuly 22, 2002 - New York, USAApple's new Switch television ad campaign, featuring people who didn't quite know what to do with a Windows based PC that moved to that Mac platform, will continue into the summer season. In order to find actors similarly dense and ignorant to the ones featured in the first batch of commercials, Apple will be holding a Lack of Talent contest. Campaign producer Ted Zielchman commented, All of the actors we were getting from the talent agencies were too intelligent, and these are people who are usually rejected based on lack of intelligence, so we are faced with a unique problem. I believe though, based on the applicants for the contest so far, we have some likely candidates. Some were unable to even spell their name and had that 'not so bright look on their face' - consistent with the first batch of actors we used. The first batch were easy to find, we visited the local district Mac Club. After that we simply had a hard time finding anyone willing to admit being an Apple user.", -"Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it. Ask the widow to give you a kiss. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS! and pretend to faint.At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.Get someone to call you on your cell phone during ceremony and pretend your talking to the deceased person.Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.Write Best before last week on the top of the coffin when nobody is looking.Accidentally sneeze on the deceased, and literally wipe the smile off his face.If its a woman, spread her legs and write Dying for a Shag on the side of the coffin.Sob extremely loudly.Dump plastic toy bugs on top of the body.Hide a recorder under the coffin playing Stayin' Alive during the ceremony.Wear '70s style retro clothing to the funeral, complete with golden peace sign necklace.Be an outspoken pessimist.", -"Yo Mamma is so poor, when you asked for milk she said,left or right?", -"One of the funniest things I've heard in a long time.I was watching T.V. and an advertisement for the show, Monk comes on. I don't watch the show, but I love the commercials He says to a Dr:I'm not even stalking you. At least not at the moment.I laughed for at least ten minutes. Even snorted.", -"There was a lady that had a 3 year old son and one was coming on the way . When the 3 year old asked his mother why her stomach was so big, she told him that it was just gas .The day that the baby was born, the 3 year old came up to the baby and said, Hey, Fart!", -"Man in car,Went to bar.Feeling nifty,Doing fifty.Hit a car,Poor old soul.Doctor's fee,CEMETARY!", -"You are stuck in a room with absolutely no doors, no windows, and no escape. You are surrounded by 415 inch think metal walls. All you have is a mirror and a table.How do you get out?Well, you look into the mirror. You saw yourself, right? Now, use the saw to chop the table in half. To halves make a whole, so jump through the hole. Then yell at the top of your lungs until your voice is hoarse, then jump on the horse and ride away!)", -"1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, Just once.11. No movie. Don't need one.12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.13. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.", -"The Indian chief introduced his wife to a newspaper reporter; This is Three Horse. That's a picturesque name, said the reporter. Does it have deep symbolism? Yes, the chief replied. Nag, nag, nag!", -Yo mamma is soooo poor that her front and back door are on the same hinge!, -"Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? . . .DR. PHIL:The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on THIS side of the road before it goes after the problem on the OTHER SIDE of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his CURRENT problems before adding NEW problems.OPRAH:Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.GEORGE W. BUSH:We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. Wejust want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.DONALD RUMSFELD:Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.ANDERSON COOPER/CNN:We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.JOHN KERRY:Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.JUDGE JUDY:That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.PAT BUCHANAN:To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.MARTHA STEWART:No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.DR SEUSS:Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.ERNEST HEMINGWAY:To die in the rain. Alone.JERRY FALWELL:Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side.That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!GRANDPA:In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.BARBARA WALTERS:Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.JOHN LENNON:Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.ARISTOTLE:It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.BILL GATES:I have just released eChicken2006,which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of chicken.The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...^( C \..... reboot.ALBERT EINSTEIN:Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?BILL CLINTON:I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?AL GORE:I invented the chicken!COLONEL SANDERS:Did I miss one?", -"Knock knockWho's there?Idunnap.Idunnap who?Well, you best get to the toilet then!", -"Aren't you tired of those stupid, mushy greeting cards down at the card store? Here's what a real friend would send to another...Dear friend, When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad... When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you... When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid... When you are scared, I'll will rag about it every chance I get... When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whinin'... When you are confuse, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass... When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have... When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass... Sincerely, Your friend", -"While reading a newspaper, Morty came across an article about a beautiful actress marrying a football player who was not noted for his IQ.I'll never understand, he said to his wife, Why do the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.His wife replied, Why, thank you, dear.", -"Yo mamma smells so bad, when she went into the enchanted forest, all the skunks commited suicide!", -What did one snowman say to the other snowman?Do you smell carrots?, -You're like school on Saturday... NO CLASS!, -Have you heard about camping?It's intense. , -"A farmer and his son live on a farm in the middle of Nowhere, USA. One day the farmboy says to his father, I'm bored.His father replies, What are you talking about? Farm life is great! He then adds, However, I will admit, it is a little slow though. Nothing much to do except count the bricks in the silo.To this the boy says, 11,827.", -How do you catch a unique rabbit? You nique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way!, -What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A licalottapus!, -"One lesbian said to the other, I'll just be Frank with you,...and the other said, Ok, you be Frank today and I'll be Frank tommorrow.", -What do you call two Chinese queers? Two can chew!, -Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left him!, -"One day, at lunch at an elementary school, the cafeteria was serving swiss cheese. A little girl received her meal and was disgusted by it.Miss lunch lady, she said at the end of the line, I don't like the holes in my cheese.That's okay, she said. Just eat around them and leave them on your plate.", -"A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.The manager says he'll be right up.The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!So he lies down next to the wife.Just then the husband walks in. What, he says, are you doing here!?!The manager calmly replies, Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?", -Lawyer Says Client is Not That GuiltyLegislator Wants Tougher Death PenaltyMan Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper Nor Body FoundAfter Detour to California Shuttle Returns to EarthWoman Improving After Fatal Crash, -"A woman goes into a doctor's office complaining that she has constant pains in her stomach.The doctor brings her into the examining room and asks, Well, Ma'am, are you constipated?The woman replies, No, I am not. I go to the bathroom every morning at 8:15, just like clockwork.The doctor asks, Every day, are you sure?The woman replies, Yes, I never miss a day, every day at 8:15am I am on the toilet.Well, the doctor ponders this because obviously the woman is not constipated so he sends her for a battery of tests.The doctor calls the lady a couple of days later and has her come into his office.Well, Ms., I have found the problem it seems that you have 3 tapeworms in your stomach and that is causing you all the discomfort.The lady looks a little scared and asks, Well doc, what can we do about it?The doctor replies, Oh, not to worry, just a simple operation to remove the worms; we will schedule it for tommorrow morning at 11:00 am.The lady thanks the doctor and heads home to get a good night's sleep before her surgery.On the way home the 3 worms in the lady's stomach are talking to each other.1st worm, Oh crap, what are we gonna do?2nd worm, Well, I am going to go up and hide behind the heart. I should be safe there!1st worm, Good idea, I am going to go hide behind the liver, I should be safe there!3rd worm, Well, I don't know about you two, but I am taking the 8:15 out of here in the morning!", -Beer... it's the cause and solution to all men's problems!, -Who is the patron saint of playgrounds?St. Francis of a see-saw!, -"I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.The money is always greener in the other guy's wallet.When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.I love my cat. My cat does not care.My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about?Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt?A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.Jesus loves you, but I think you're a jerk.Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.", -"Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.Life is too short. Don't be a jerk.Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.If life is like a bowl of cherries, then I'm living in the pits!Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I'm not going.Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds.It's not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It's the jerks.I don't know what I want, but I do know I don't have it.", -"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits.Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK.STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.I don't work here. I'm a consultant.When in doubt, tell the truth. Constant change is here to stay.Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing today's good stuff!Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic!Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.", -What is the one thing you get at a wedding and cannot give back no matter how much you despise and hate it?IN-LAWS!, -Confucius say... He who value skin does not wash cat, -"There are four people on a plane. a guy from england, a guy from france, a guy from texas, and a guy from mexico, all of a sudden the plane starts falling out of the sky. The pilot says We a losing altitude we need to get rid of some weight. So they throw everything out of the plane, but its still falling. So the english guy says for the queen and jumps out, the french guy says vi va la france and jumps out. The texan say for the alamo he grabs the mexican and throws him out.", -"Bill and Tim are out one day test driving cars. They happen to pull up to the same stop light side by side.Bill yells out his window, HEY TIM, Corvette?Tim yells back YUP THIS IS A CORVETTETim yells again HEY BILL, Audi?Bill jumps out of his car pulls up his shirt, points to his belly button and says, Nope! I got an INNY!", -"This summer, I went on a trip to Houston. I needed to go really badly, so I stopped behind a tree. A minute later, I darted out being chased by a hungry squirrel. He wanted some nuts.", -"Stressed out...try some of these relaxing tidbits1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.4. When someone says Have a nice day tell them you have other plans.5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.6. Dance naked in front of your pets.7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to school as if nothing is wrong.8. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.", -"Questions that have Confused humankind!!Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?Who was the first person to say, See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! What do you call male ballerinas?Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn't he just buy dinner?If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?", -"An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -I want to feel your breasts he exclaimed.Get away from me, you crazy old man she replied.I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars, he says.Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS he stated.NO! Get away from me!TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS he offered.She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, I said NO!FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts, he claimed.She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....Well, OK...but only for a minute.She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... while he was caressing them.Out of curiosity, she asked him, Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?", -What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night., -"A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green. The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. Now what? the fellow asked the speechless pro. Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup, the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. The retiree replied, Oh great! NOW you tell me!", -"Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I? A little boy on the front row proudly said, You're a mother!", -I seen a commercial on T.V for a pill that helps with ED . As one of the side effects the announcer said If you experience an erection for longer than four hours call your doctor. I thought call my doctor?? If I have an erection for more than four hours I am calling Ripley's Believe it or Not!!., -Yo momma is so hairy that I thought she had herself in a headlock!, -Knock KnockWho's there?Nunya!Nunya who?Nunya Damn Business!!, -Life isn't fair. I went to my boss with a note from my doctor stating that I have multiple personalities. Now I do three different jobs and still only get one paycheck!!., -"A man and his parrot go for a walk and find a bunch of people trying to get a man out of a pothole. One man yells, Throw him a rope, so the parrot repeats, Throw him a rope, throw him a rope.Next, the man and the parrot go to the deli and order a bologna sandwich.The parrot repeats, Bologna, bologna.Mext, the man goes to the carnival with his parrot, and play the game where you throw a dart at the balloon. The carni yells, Hit a color, win a prize, so the parrot repeats, Hit a color, win a prize, hit a color, win a prize.The next day the man and his parrot go to church and the minister is talking about the devil, and the parrot yells, Throw him a rope, throw him a rope. The priest then tells the parrot if he continues to be rude, he would be going to hell, to which the parrot repliesBologna, bologna.The priest then gets angry and throws his bible at the parrot who ducked, the bible hit the black man in the pew behind him, and the parrot exclaims, Hit a color, win a prize, hit a color, win a prize!", -"How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer, Olive?Yeah, you know, Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.What's the most popular wine at Christmas?I don't like sprouts!", -"What did you learn in school today?Not enough, apparently. I have to go back tomorrow!", -Why don't witches wear panties?To get a better grip on their broom., -Glow in the dark sunglassesA book on how to readA dictionary indexWatermelon seed sorterZero proof alcoholReusable ice cubesSee through toilet tissueSkinless bananasDo it yourself roadmap, -"Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it every time he falls asleep.The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks, Who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle, and he yells out JESUS! Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is, Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD! and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is, What did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells, IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!", -"One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him.So the minister began his sermon.One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, Well, I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay.", -"A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked; How come after all these years we don't see you at services any more?The old man lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi, he whispered. When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105, so I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!", -"A collection of insults!For two cents, I`d give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours. You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time! You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth! I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office. I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes! You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance. Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was. You started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill ever since. You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt. I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening. I heard that when you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork. I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.", -"Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...If you don't know what it is, call it an 'issue'...If you don't know how it works, call it a 'process'...If you don't know whether its worth doing, call it an 'option'...If you don't know how it could possibly be done call it a 'challenge' or an 'exciting opportunity'...If you want to confuse people, ask them about 'customers'...If you don't know how to do something, 'empower' someone else to do it for you...If you can't take decisions, 'create space' for others to operate...If you need a decision, call a 'workshop' to 'network' and 'groundthe issue', followed by an 'awayday' to 'position the elephant in the room' and achieve 'buy-in'...Never criticize or boast, call it 'information sharing'...Never call something a failure or mistake, its a 'positive learning experience'...Never argue, have an 'adult conversation'...Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights...A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt...Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted...It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do...After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before...The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get...You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat...Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day...When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves...If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office...Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back...Everything can be filed under pending....Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour...To err is human, to forgive is not our policy...Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing...Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail...If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it...You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk...People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't...If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done...At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying...When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried...Following the rules will not get the job done...Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules...When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger handle this?...No matter how much you do, you never do enough...The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong...", -"Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that allowed them to claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf became a well traveled trail through the jungle. All day, every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory. The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and very publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory. While he was leading a safari through the jungle, the travelers had to walk and cut vines with their machetes, and all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night. After setting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot. When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.", -"A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again? Yes, Your Honor, the defendant replied. That's exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in anyway!", -You know what your problem is? Your brain is too tense...too tense the size of everybody else's., -"You might be a redneck if...On stag night, you take a real deer.You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.Your back porch is bigger than your house.There is more oil in your cap than in your car.You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.Your secret family recipe is illegal.", -"Noah went to see God to ask him for a new and improved 'ark'. Ok Noah. I think it is time you had a new ark, God said. Take a seat, tell me your ideas, and I'll start a design. Well, firstly, I'd like it to have plenty of floors. Say, 5 or 6, Noah said. Ok... 5 or 6 floors I'd also like some spaces on the floors as well, to keep things in.Right, spaces. And with this God starts drawing a few designs for Noah. Would you like some animals in there to start you off? God asked him. Erm... Fish! Noah replied. Fish. Ok. What sort? Any in particular?Carp, and plenty of them, Noah said. Carp. Anything else needed? God asked. And they went through various items such as the colour, doors, windows, etc. Finally, between them both they'd come up with a design that they both agreed on. Sitting back in his chair admiring the new 'ark', God asked Noah, So, what are you going to call it? Have you thought of anything? Well God. I thought I'd call it 'Noah's Multi-Story Carp Ark'", -"Yo mamma's so poor, she can't afford to go on welfare.Yo mamma's so poor, she got thrown out of a homeless shelter.Yo mamma's so poor, she tried to use food stamps on a gumball machine.Yo mamma's so poor, a burgler broke into her house and left her some money.", -"1Yo momma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, Hey, Kool-Aid!2Yo momma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.3Yo momma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!4Yo momma's so fat, she has her own zip code!5Yo momma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.6Yo momma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!7Yo momma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!8Yo momma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?9Yo momma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!10Yo momma's so fat, she rents shade!11Yo momma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!12Yo momma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!13Yo momma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.14Yo momma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.15Yo momma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!16Yo momma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, to be continued.17Yo momma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling taxi!18Yo momma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.19Yo momma's so fat, when she got lost they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.", -How do you know if you're in a gay church?If half the congregation is kneeling!, -"It happened one time that a very old lady, whose husband had died, took a walk in the woods.She came across a young man whose hormones were raging. The young man tripped the old lady and came on top of her; she screamed and was heard by a couple walking not too far from them, but by the time they arrived the young man was doing the thing.When the young couple tried to pull him off the old lady,the old lady said, Let him go ahead and see what his intention is.", -"A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan? he asked.No, Father. Just a little gas, Sister Susan explained.A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan? he asked again.Oh no, Father. Just a little gas, she replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, Cute little fart.", -"Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?The lady said, My phone doesn't have an eleven.", -A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. Does your dog bite?No.A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.I thought you said your dog didn't bite! the man says indignantly.That's not my dog., -"The big list of fun stuff to do in that boring ol' courtroom of law...1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking.2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isn't looking.3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present.4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver.5. Stand up and yell OBJECTION! to everything the judge says. EVERYTHING.6. If you're the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table.7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubbles.8. Sing The Song That Never Ends incessantly.9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that you'll call him/her.10. Actually call him/her.11. Bring a kazoo.12. Act like you're doing something important, and ask them to keep it down.13. Every time the judge uses the gavel, keel over backwards and act like you've been shot.14. Bring a Gameboy and turn the sound up as far as it will go.15. Wait until everybody is completely focused on the trial, then blow a referee's whistle as loud as you can. Point to the person next to you and tell him to stop it!16. Pretend you turn into a pig when you get wet. Douse yourself in cold water and act like one.17. Call the judge a wuss when he issues the death penalty. When he accuses you of contempt of the court, look puzzled and ask him what it means. When he answers, object.18. Dress up like Santa Claus.19. Drink all of your lawyer's water, then ask for more. Then ask to go to the bathroom.20. Hiccup every time somebody says the word the.21. Change your plea every five minutes.22. If you're the judge, call the defendant the plaintiff, the plaintiff a lawyer, the witness a juror, and the jurors defendants. Call the lawyers Barney.23. Gurgle into the microphone.24. Complain aloud about that nasty wedgie you have, then take a poll of others in the audience if they too have a nasty wedgie.25. If in traffic court, when asked to stand, walk over to the judge and issue him a parking ticket on his desk.26. When asked to produce evidence, pick your nose, smear the snot on the table, point to it and say, From this it is obvious, I am not guilty!27. Wear those X-Ray vision glasses from Halloween, when someone walks past, stare them up and down then shake head in dismay.28. Popcorn and a large coke, if anyone asks about it, show them your ticket and say I'm a paying customer!.29. Fart, pause momentarily, and comment under your breath, I've done better...30. Fart again later on, take a deep breath and state enthusiastically Now that's more like it!.31. Bring a Lego replica of the courtroom, including Lego people, and imitate everything happening, including voices!32. When pronounced guilty, reply How about we try that again, this time Rock, Scissors, Paper - best of three!33. Bring toaster and wave a box of Tropical Sprinkles Pop Tarts around while asking Where's a damn plug around here!", -Do you know why single women can't fart? Because they don't get assholes untill they get married., -Professionals built the Titanic. An amateur built the ark., -"A man walks into a bar and throws down a bet. 100 dollars to anyone who can do 100 pushups. A man disappears outside and returns minutes later. I'll take that bet the man says, and collapses after 50 pushups. I don't get it, he says, I just did 150 outside!", -"A man was settling down to his after-dinner drink when he daughter climbs onto his lap. Where does poo come from? asks his inquisitive girl.The man knew these types of questions would come, and had given some thought to the answer he would give. Well, sweetheart, you know the dinner you just ate? Well, our bodies keep the good parts, called nutrients, so our bones and muscles can grow strong. The rest passes out of our backsides, and that's poo.After a shocked silence, the girl trembles through another question for her father... Umm... so where does Tigger come from?", -.40 is the begining.... the begining of the end. 40 is the begining of life. Did I say life?... i meant gum disease!, -"1. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a massive internal fart.Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada2. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, Keep off the grass.Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, Sorry, had to mow the lawn.Submitted by RN no name3. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?She replied, No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.Dr. wouldn't submit his name", -"All of his life Stosh had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.So when Stosh's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Stan took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Stosh stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Stan just managed to pull him to safety.Furious and confused, Stosh went to see his grandmother. Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?Granny looked into Stosh's eyes and said, Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, but you were born in July.", -"A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, I'd rather be tied up and taken advantaged of by women of ill-repute than to let liquor touch my lips.The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice....", -"You were speaking much too long on the phone just now, Miss Ponsonby, said Mr.Jones.But it was a business call, Mr. Jones.Well, please don't address our clients as 'sweetikins'in the future.", -"My mom had just placed some flypaper out when my little cousin wandered in. She was fascinated watching the flies get caught. Finally, my mom asked, Molly, don't you have flies in your house?Yeah, we have flies. We just don't have anything for them to sit on.", -"A poor homeless man had 3 bananas; he had stolen one from a first grader, one from a fruit vendor, and the other was given to him by a humble old lady.Along with the banana, the humble old lady gave him bus fare, partly because she wanted him to leave, and partly because she felt sorry for him.The man jumped at the thought - he was going on a bus ride, something he hadn't done in a long time. He put one banana on either side of his torn and tatty pants, and the other banana in the back of his pants.He waited at the bus station, and waited, and waited, until finally a bus came, and he climbed on.It was one of those crowded buses, one with not much room to even sneeze.The bus driver collected the money, and the homeless man found a cramped place to stand.Everything was going smoothly until the bus made a sharp turn to the left, the banana on the left side got squished. The bus made another sharp turn, one to the right, and you can guess what happened to the banana on the right. It got squished as well.The homeless man was not going to lose the last piece of food that he had, so he grabbed the banana in the back.The bus turned to the right, to the left, and the man didn't let go. The bus went up a hill, and then down, the man still didn't release the banana from his grip. The bus went over a rocky dirt path, jumping up and down due to the rocky road, the man held tighter.They were back on smooth road, and the homeless man got tapped on the shoulder. The homeless man turned his head slightly and the man who had tapped him spoke:My stop is two blocks away. He was breathing a bit too fast, basically gasping for air.So? the homeless man asked.I'm gonna need to get off, the man said, breathing uneasily.Then get off.Then let go.", -"How Smart Is Your Right Foot?This is so funny that it will boggle your mind, and you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot - but you can't!1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.2. Now, while doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand.. Your foot will change direction!I told you so.. And there is nothing you can do about it!", -"A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.", -"Two older women were picking up a third friend for their weekly lunch when they accidentally ran over and killed her cat. It wasn't a pretty sight, so rather than leave it for the woman's husband to find, they scooped it into a Foley's bag and took it with them, intending to throw it away in the restaurant's dumpster.Upon their arrival, they discovered that the dumpster was locked. Not wanting to leave the bag in the car, they put in on the ground next to the car and went inside to eat. From their window table they could clearly see the car and bag, and so noticed immediately when a woman walked by the closed bag, looked at it with interest, and went on. In a few minutes she returned, looked a little more closely, glanced around to see if she were being watched, and strolled on. On her third pass, she casually picked up the bag without pausing, and continued on - into the restaurant! She let herself be seated, placed the bag and her purse on the floor next to her chair, and picked up the menu. She ordered, and again casually picked up the Foley's bag to see what wonderful little item she had managed to snag. She opened the bag, looked inside, shuddered, and passed out onto the floor. Instantly, restaurant staff came to her aid, dialed 911, and cared for her until the paramedics came and loaded her onto a stretcher to take her to the hospital. The last thing our three ladies saw was a paramedic as he picked up the woman's purse and the Foley's bag and placed both on her stomach as they wheeled her away.", -"A friend of mine and his family were taking a trip to the mall. On the way, their 18 month old son had a massive blow out poopy diaper. In the mall parking lot, the diaper was changed and put in a Dillard's bag. Embarrassed by the incredibly bad smell, the couple decided to leave the bag on the hood of the car to be thrown in a dumpster as opposed to a mall trash can. A couple of hours later when the family was returning to the car, they saw an old, beat up pick-up stop at their car. A young man jumped out and hurriedly threw the Dillard's bag into the cab. He got back in and the pick up sped off with what he thought was a mighty haul.", -"Two unemployed guys are talking and onne says, I'm going to become a lion tamer.The other replies, That's crazy, you don't know anything about lion taming.Yes I do!Well, OK, answere this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what are you going to do?Well, then I take that big chair, they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with his big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?Well, then I take that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it into two? What you gonna do then?Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out ofthe cage.Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you are you going to do then?Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun doesn't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.", -"A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink, she suggested smiling.Good idea, says the husband looking forward to being waited on.He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.If there's anything else you'd like just call, says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmerWhat the heck is that for? asks the husband snappily.Oh Darling, says the wife, flustered, I thought I heard you say, Whataboutahottawaterbottle.", -"It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please.The bartender looks at him skeptically. No you're not. You're just wearing a costume.No, no, really, he insists. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please.Alright, the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.Thanks, he says, and leaves.An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please.Okay, the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. Hi, he says to to the bartender. I'm a vam...I know, I know, the bartender interrupts. You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?Um, no, the vampire answers. I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please.Sure the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid.Tea time.", -"On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, You should be hung!I slowly took a long drink from my can of Old Milwaukee Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Oakley sunglasses and looked at this nosy ass neighbor and replied,I am. That's why she cuts the grass.", -"An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, Well, get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!", -"You momma so stupid, when I asked her,Why she was yelling into an envelope.She said She was trying to send voice mail.", -"Yo momma so fat and stupid, when her doctor told her to go on a seafood diet, she says OK, I see food, I eat it.", -"Yo momma so fat, when she entered a fat contest she won 1st, 2nd, and 3rd prizes.", -What do you call a cute volcano?Lava-ble!, -I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work., -"Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a professional when their needs become too great.Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?A. No. Even though many people would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.", -There were two groups of people.The first one was of a taxi driver who was driving at a high speed that all the passengers knelt and prayed.The second was of a priest who was preaching but boring the people to the extent that they started walking out.WHO BROUGHT PEOPLE CLOSER TO GOD?The taxi-driver., -"In 1976, the Pentagon returned 50 security doors because of a design flaw.The doors, which cost $1,500.00 each, had titanium locks and handles, and a 0.0001 clearance at all edges. The problem was discovered when an angry secretary threw her coffee cup at one of the doors. It went right through the1/16 inch wood veneer. It was also discovered that if you pulled on the handle, it would come off in your hand. In 1948, Mayor Jose Hussong, of Baja California, Mexico had a section of highway named after him by the people of his city. On the day it was to be dedicated, a group of officials waited for him to arrive. After they had waited for 2 hours, one of the officials went to the mayor's estate. He was informed that the mayor had been dead for 2 years. The official returned to the dedication and announced that the Mayor was unable to attend due tohealth problems.", -"Here's to all the Secret Santas! Enjoy! It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really upset. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies, the elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in, making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. Santa was beside himself with anger. I CAN'T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and my elves are on strike, all my reindeer are drunk, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't back YET! What am I going to do? Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. Yo, Santa, he said. Where do you want me to stick the Christmas tree this year?And thus the tradition of an Angel atop the Christmas tree came to pass...", -"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not flunk;He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying.He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break;He restoreth my faith in study guides.He leads me to better study habitsFor my grades sake.Yea, though I walk through the valley of borderline grades,I will not have a nervous breakdown;For thou art with me.My prayers and my friends, they comfort me.Thou givest me answers in moments of blankness;Thou anointest my head with understanding.My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize.Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow meAll the days of my examinations,And I shall not have to dwell in this university forever,Amen!", -"Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.Blink once for 'yes'. What do you mean we have the wrong patient?Why is there a tag on his toe?Do you think he can hear us?I didn't even know a human could bend that way.I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anasthesia.Just relax now. We'll be done in a jiffy.Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open.Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down. It'll make a great 'ER' script.", -"'Twas the night before finals,And all through the college,The students were prayingFor last-minute knowledge.Out in the taverns,A few were still drinking,And hoping that liquorWould loosen their thinking.In my own room,I had been pacing,And dreading examsI soon would be facing.My roommate was speechless,His nose in his book,And my comments to himDrew unfriendly looks.I drained all the coffee,And brewed a new pot,No longer caringThat my nerves were shot.I stared at my notes,But my thoughts were all muddy;My eyes went ablur,And I just couldn't study.Some pizza might help,I said with a shiver,But each place I calledRefused to deliver.I'd nearly concludedThat life was too cruel,With futures dependingOn grades earned in school.When all of a suddenOur door opened wideAnd Patron Saint Put-It-OffAmbled inside.His spirit was careless,His manner was mellow,But summoning effortHe started to bellow:What kind of studentWould make such a fussTo toss back at teachersWhat they have tossed us? On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!On Last Year's Exams!On Wing-it and Sling-it,And Last-Minute Crams!His message delivered,He vanished from sight,But we heard him laughingOutside in the night:Your teachers have pegged you,So just do your bestHappy Finals to all,And to All, a good test.", -"A man awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. Why are the curtains closed? he said. Is it night? A nurse replied, No, it's just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful.", -"Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.Clouds are high-flying fogs.Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do. Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail. Rain is saved up in cloud banks.You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.A blizzard is when it snows sideways. A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size. A monsoon is a French gentleman.The wind is like the air, only pushier.", -"In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.", -"You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.You find humor in other people's stupidity.You want to slap the next person who says Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free.You believe chocolate is a food group.You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.You believe Shallow gene pool should have its own box in the report card.You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.You have no life between August to June.When you mention Vegetables you're not talking about a food group.You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.You wonder how some parents ever manage to reproduce.You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would Never dream of doing your job.You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.You know you are in for a major project when a parent says I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.You want to choke a person when he or she says Oh, you must have such fun everyday. This must be like playtime for you.Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question Why is this kid like this?", -"A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade, he said. I'll be back in a few minutes.When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you. That wasn't my daddy, said the boy. He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'", -"These pick up lines are so nasty, they're insults...The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.I like every bone in your body, especially mine.How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?Baby, I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.Hey baby, let's play army; I'll lay down you can blow me up.If your left leg is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you in between the holidays?If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?You're like Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.Is it hot in here, or is it just you?If you were a car door I would slam you all night long.Baby, you're so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out?Baby, I'd run a mile for your vertical smile.Nice shirt.... wanna fuck?If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!Can I have fries with that shake?I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?Pardon me, is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.Do you know CPR? Because you take my breath away.Your daddy must have been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!I'd look good on you.When does your centerfold come out?So do ya wanna see something really swell?I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.You have nice legs. What time do they open?Do you like Subway? How about my foot-long?Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it?Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd just love to tap that ass!Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.Is your dad a terrorist? Because you're the bomb!Are you a parking ticket, cause you have fine written all over you?If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?", -"Hey, did you hear about the...Paper company that folded?Brake company on the skids?Bra manufacturers that went bust?Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?Cigarette company that went up in smoke?Baker who was short of dough?Refrigerator manufacturer that had its assets frozen?Corset firm that felt the squeeze?Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?Downfall of the bungee suppliers?The train company that went off the rails?The ship building company that sunk?The dental practice that was rotten to its roots?", -"Deep Salvage PickReminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.Utensil PickWhen fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.Extra PickWhen you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery.Depression PickWhen you're sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.Pick A LotWhat we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.Kiddie PickWhen you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!Camouflaged Kiddie PickWhen, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.Fake Nose ScratchWhen you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.Making A Meal Out Of ItYou do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.Surprise PickingsWhen a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.AutopickThe kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when you're not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....Pick Your BrainsDone in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.Pick And SaveWhen you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.Pick And FlickSnot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.Pick And StickYou wanted it to be a Pick and Flick, but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.Pipe Cleaner PickThe kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.", -"When my three-year-old son opened a birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns? Mom smiled and then replied.....I remember.", -"Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog. The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker. The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot.", -"A nice girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents.After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiance to his study for a chat.So, what are your plans? the father asks the fiance.I am a Biblical scholar, he replies.A Biblical scholar. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?I will study, the young man replies, ...and God will provide for us.And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us.And children? How will you support children?Don't worry, sir, God will provide.The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide.Later, the mother asks, So? How did it go?He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.", -"Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It's in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. Are you gonna play golf? he asks Or are you just gonna fuck around?", -"What did one virus say to the other virus?Keep away from me, I think I've got penicillin!", -What did one earthquake say to another?Oops! My fault!, -"Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.You may pass through the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter said.The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, They're bells.Saint Peter said, You may pass through the Pearly Gates.The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear.St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, And just what do those symbolize?The man replied, They're Carols.", -"THE ADVENTURE BEGINS:Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They headto the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, Dat's dem.The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere, says Gerry.The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' footdrop and says, Dis looks like a grand place. He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom,killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!THERE'S MOREMoments later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He'sbeen to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.Hi, Paddy, Watch dis, Seamus says. He takes a parrotfrom the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.Paddy shakes his head and says, And I'm never trying datparrotshooting either!IT IS NOT OVER YETPaddy is just getting over the shock of losing twofriends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.Once more Paddy shakes his head. Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting . . . and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!", -On the 12th day of Christmas my true love sent to me12- Pack of Bud11 Rasslin' Tickets10 tins of Copenhagen9 Years Probation8 Holey vests7 Kissing Cousins6 Cans of Spam5 Hunting Hounds4 Mudgrip tyres3 Shot Gun Shells2 more Gaps in TeethAnd some parts to a Mustang GT, -"Smart-ass Answer 1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he openedhis trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat ...she said, Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub. Smart-ass Answer 2 A truck driver was driving along on! the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low bridge ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, apolice car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh?The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.", -"1. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.2. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.3. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.", -"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. - Babe RuthColumbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course. - Lee TrevinoI'm not saying my golf game went bad , but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. - Lee TrevinoIf you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. - Jack LemmonAfter all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. - Chi Chi RodriguezGive me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf. - Jack BennyGolf appeals to the child in us. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. - John Updike", -"The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.It has long been known...I didn't look up the original reference.A definite trend is evident...These data are practically meaningless.While it has not been possible to provide definitive answers to the questions...An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study...The other results didn't make any sense.Typical results are shown...This is the prettiest graph.These results will be in a subsequent report...I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.In my experience...Once.In case after case...Twice.In a series of cases...Thrice.It is believed that...I think.It is generally believed that...A couple of others think so, too.Correct within an order of magnitude...Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.According to statistical analysis...Rumor has it.A statistically-oriented projection of the significanceof these findings...A really wild guess.A careful analysis of obtainable data...Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.It is clear that much additional work will be requiredbefore a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs...I don't understand it....and I never will.After additional study by my colleagues...They don't understand it either.A highly significant area for exploratory study...A totally useless topic selected by my committee.It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field...I am pleased to feed you bullshit.", -"One day, Johnny saw his dad got caught on fire. Immeaditly he went to his mom saying, Mom, mom hurry, dad's on fire, and I brought the marshmellows! Another day a lady came to the door asking for things for the old peoples fund. Johnny yelled from the doorway to his mom, Hey mom, there's this person asking for the old peoples fund, shall I give them grandma?", -"A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked,Do you have any military experience?The Marine replied, Why, yes! I've been in the Marines for a couple of years.I see, said the interviewer, any disabilities?The Marine looked at him and replied shakily. Well... In the Vietnam War I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles.The interviewer, quite shocked, said All right, you're hired. Please report to work on Monday at 10:00am.Wait wait! shouted the Marine, When do the others start? I don't want any special treatment just because of my disability.The interviewer replied, Well... I'll tell you the truth. Everyone normally comes at 7:00 in the morning, but nothing gets done until 10. All we do is sit around, scratching our nuts trying to figure out what to do.", -"I was in McDonald's one time when the lady in front of me ordered a cheeseburger and requested no cheese. Now I don't know about you, but that sounds like a hamburger to me. Many years ago I worked in a delicatessen. The assistant manager had burnt something in the oven and smoke was pouring from the kitchen area. When the store manager came by and asked why she hadn't opened the emergency fire exit door to allow the smoke to go outside she said, I thought about it, but I couldn't find the key! A friend of mine and I were on a little road trip with his wife driving. Everything was pretty quiet when she turned to us and asked, If you are driving 70mph, about how far would you go in an hour? I was calling the telecommunication company to inform them my phone didn't work and that when I picked up the receiver it was completely dead. The technician said from the other end, Are you calling from the number of the phone that does not work?", -"My daughter was going over to the neighbor's house to visit but didn't want to miss a call from her boyfriend so she took the cordless phone with her. While at the neighbor's she wanted to check back at home to see if her younger brother was okay. My daughter then picked up the neighbor's phone and dialed our number. While waiting for someone to answer the phone at home, the phone she brought over with her began to ring. She immediately hung up the neighbor's phone and answered our phone. There was no one there. She wanted to know who it was who called so she used our phone to call our house. The line was busy. Getting very frustrated she left the neighbor's to go home and see who was on the phone. No one was on the phone. My daughter could not figure out what was going on until someone explained it to her.", -"Depending on how you ask the questions, you can force the answer you seek! Remember 43% of polls are wrong, the other 78% are made up! Don't jump to the answer, just scroll down. Take this test mentally, don't write down your answers, and don't shout them out. 1. Pick a number from 2 to 9. It can be 2 or it can be 9, or any number in between. 2. Take that number that you've chosen, and multiply it by 9. 3. That should give you a two digit number. Take those two digits and add them together. 4. Take the resulting number and subtract 5 from it. 5. Take that number and correspond it to the alphabet, numbering the letters. A 1, B 2, C 3, and so on...6. Take your letter, and think of a country that begins with that letter. 7. Take the last letter in the name of that country, and think of an animal. 8. Now, take the last letter in the name of that animal, and think of a color. 9. But remember, that there are no orange kangaroos in Denmark.", -"ATT fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, Please come out and give yourself up.A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.And finally -Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE ... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.", -"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.Mental backup in progress - Do not disturb!The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!Black holes are where God divided by zero.If you can't read this, you're illiterate.It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.", -The bumper sticker of a proud parent read: MY SON WAS INMATE OF THE MONTH, -"The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, What kinds of ice cream do you have? Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue. Do you have laryngitis? the young man asked sympathetically. Nope, she whispered, just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.", -"There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells, There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth. The second professor says, No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot. The first professor says, Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner. The son says, gleefully, Sure dad, and runs off. The second professor not to be outdone says Oh yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave. Sam says, OK, and leaves. The professors keep arguing. Jake and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jake says, Well, listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it. Sam says Well, that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave.", -Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. Personally I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country. I wonder what it means... 1. Grab a calculator. 2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number 3. Multiply by 80 4. Add 1 5. Multiply by 250 6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number 7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again. 8. Subtract 250 9. Divide number by 2 Do you recognize the answer?, -What do you call an Italian Cop?Guinea Pig, -"An American, a Japanese and an Iraqi were walking together. The American put his hand near his mouth and started speaking; after he finished the Iraqi asked him what he was doing, and the American said, We put microphones in our hands and speakers in our ears so that we can make phone calls without the need to carry a mobile phone.Then the Japanese started talking, and after he finished the Iraqi said to him, You didn't put your hand near your mouth, how did you speak? The Japanese said, We put the microphones in our teeth so that we can speak hands-free.Then the Iraqi picked up a paper from the ground and swallowed it, and both the American and the Japanese asked him about what he did, and he said, I sent a fax.", -"An American, a Frenchman and a Chinese went to try their echo; the American said, Good morning, and the echo came back, Good morninginginging. Then the Frenchman said, Bon jour, and the echo came back Bon jourjourjour. Then the Chinese said, Chang chiong shang zhang hu, and the echo came back, Whatwhatwhatwhat?", -"Three people had been sentenced to be put in jail for ten years, and they asked each one of them to say one thing that he wants to have with him in the chamber.The first one said, I want you to put 1 ton of steak with me, so they did and they locked the chamber; then the second one said, I want a rack full with the best wines in the world, so they put it in his chamber and locked it; the third said, I want 1000 packets of cigarettes, so they put it in the chamber and locked it.After the ten years are over, they unlocked the first chamber, and the man came out with big belly and said, That was delicious. Then they unlocked the second chamber, and the man came out and he can barely stand and said, Those were the best wines that I have ever tasted. When they opened the third chamber, the man came out and said, Matches, please", -"Two robbers from Puerto Rico felt that the police were getting hot on their trail, so they decided to move far away to Montreal and continue their life of crime in the new city. Unfortunately they just did not quite understand winter.They were arrested the morning after their first break-in. The police just followed their footsteps in the snow from the store to their house...", -"If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.", -"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section?She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.", -"Bush, Chirac and Saddam went to hell.Bush wanted to call the US, so he called for one minute and then asked for the cost and he was told $1,000,000, so he paid.Jacques Chirac wanted to call France so he called for one minute and he asked for the cost and he was told it's $1,000,000, so he paid.Then Saddam wanted to call Iraq, so he called for ten minutes and he asked for the cost and he was told $10 and he paid it, but Bush and Chirac complained and wanted to know the reason, so the angel told them, He made a local call.", -What is the similarity between girls and tea?They are both hot and with milk.What is the difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bathroom?The girl in church has a soul full with hope and the girl in the bathroom has a hole full with soap.What is the difference between the sky and the skirt?The sky covers the whole universe and the skirt covers the universal hole., -"Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. This is even worse than last year, said the distraught homeowner, when someone broke in and stole my new security system...", -"A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. He was seen hopping and jumping around, said police spokesman Mike Carey, with an explosion taking place inside his pants. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...", -"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949. I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year. - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 But what ... is it good for? - Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.' - Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.", -"Everything that can be invented has been invented. - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.", -"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. - Western Union internal memo, 1876.The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular? - David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible. - A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? - H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper. - Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in Gone With The Wind. We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. - Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this. - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M Post-It Notepads. Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. - 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. - Marechal Ferdinand Foch, professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction. - Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.", -"November 15, 1996 - PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first. The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.", -"Quotes from Officer Fitness Reports:He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.", -"After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier. Angela Martin, age 11Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at least a minute. Lisa Coburn, age 9Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day. Nick Coleman, age 9Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk. Bruce Wagner, age 13A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist, but the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. Megan, age 14", -"When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms, but when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.", -"The US Standard railroad gauge is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on the old long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their Legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's behind came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two warhorses.", -"Descartes walked into a McDonalds and ordered a veggieburger.The guy behind the counter asked Do you want fries with that?Descartes replied I think not, and poof - he disappeared.", -"Once upon a time, there was a fairy called Nuff.Fair enough.", -"A kid said to his Dad, In school I learned Pluto is in outerspace. But they didn't say where Mickey is.", -"The Lord said to Noah, In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark. Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping. Why haven't you built the ark? asked the Lord. Oh, forgive me, said Noah. I did my best, but so many things happened. The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience.. The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals. The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain.The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians.I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years. Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine.Noah looked up and said, Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?Right, said the Lord. The government already has.", -"Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.", -"I use to feel like I was a man trapped in a woman's body, but then I was born.", -"So this kid has been using lots of his dad's money and the dad says, Do you think money grows on trees?Ya, says the kid.Well, it doesn't, says the dad.So what is money made out of, Dad?Paper, the dad says.And what is paper made out of?Shut up.", -"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. Then God said, Let there be light! Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed, and offered to call the light Day and the darkness Night. The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit. The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used. Then God said, Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth. The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game, coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobon Society.Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days. The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...At this point God created Hell.", -"Please don't tell anyone, this is HOT gossip.After all the years of shit, it's surprising they are still together! Guess who?THE BUTTOCKS!", -"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff ValdezManaging senior programmers is like herding cats. - Dave PlattThere is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. UnknownIn a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. - English proverbAs every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. - Ellen Perry BerkeleyOne cat just leads to another. - Ernest HemmingwayDogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later. - Mary BlyPeople that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life. - Faith ResnickThere are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats. Anonymous", -"If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his sleep, has he broken his vow of silence? If so, who is going to tell on him?", -"I went to get some paper from the stationery store, but it had moved.", -"I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help? I asked.She replied, I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they would have a battery for this? Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too? I asked.No, just this remote 'thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk.", -"Years ago when I was working at Customer Service for a gardening company, I came across this tale. It is completely true! A lady came in looking for a soaker hose I helped her find it, but soon, she came back with a complaint.What's the problem, I asked.It leaks.", -"A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage. It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating 'this deadly gas'.Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.", -"According to The Australian, an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.The vibration stopped immediately.A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.", -"Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, Listen, it means nothing, they even have a Vice President of peas at the grocery store! Really? he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says, Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas? The clerk replies, Canned or frozen?", -"According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and is going for a song.Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.", -In the USA they go ice skating.In Canada we go skating; we just assume it will be on ice!, -"Tommy went to a psychiatrist. Doc, he said, I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy! Just put yourself in my hands for two years, said the shrink. Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears. How much do you charge? A hundred dollars per visit. I'll sleep on it, said Tommy. Six months later the doctor met Tommy on the street. Why didn't you ever come to see me again? asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars. Is that so! How? He told me to cut the legs off the bed!", -"Room service? Send up a larger room.Who are you going to believe; me, or your own eyes?A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.", -"Teacher - Didn't you promise to behave? Johnny - Yes, sir.Teacher - And didn't I promise to punish you if you misbehaved? Johnny - Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you don't have to keep yours.Teacher - How can one person make so many mistakes in one day?Johnny - I get up early.Teacher - Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.Father - What's that?Teacher - With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.", -"As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, And what would you like for Christmas? The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a moment, then gasped - Didn't you get my E-mail?A 7-year old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was very good, including Mary, Joseph, and of course baby Jesus. However, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable that just did not seem to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied, Oh, that's Round John Virgin.", -A policeman was walking the beat when suddenly he saw a large black man pummeling a small jewish man as he pinned him to the concrete. The policeman quickly rushed in to break up the scuffle. He asked the black man what was going on and why he was beating the helpless man. The black man responded He called me a black bastard! The policeman looked down to the beaten jewish man and asked. Is it true? Did you call this man a black bastard?The jewish man looked at the policeman and said No! The gentleman asked me where the store was and I told him he was a block past it., -"My bedroom is so small...The mice are hunchbacked.I shut the door and and the doorknob was in bed with me.I have to go outside to change my mind.If I stand up, I'm on the second floor.", -"A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left was on the right and the right was on the left. She said, Paul, your shoes are on the wrong feet.He looked up at her and said, No they're not, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet.", -"Here are some lessons leaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers.Go Easy On The Disguise:One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.Take Right Turns Only:Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security police money.Be Aware Of The Time:Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 pm, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.Consider Another Line Of Work:Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Be Strong:Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.", -Knock-KnockWho's ThereHatchHatch Who?God Bless You., -"Knock KnockWho's there?AesopAesop who?Aesop I saw a Putty Cat, I did I did!", -"When I was growing up I never bothered to learn French. So I tried very hard to avoid French in general, since I didn't know any of it. It was very hard to avoid......since my family spoke french...", -"Google Products We'll Never See11. Google Hitman Assistant - Find, schedule, and collect on all your assassinations with this suite of products.10. Googlearchy - Tired of democracy? Install the government that everyone loves without annoying pop-up ads.9. Google Smite - An extension of Google Earth uses laser beams attached to the satellites to exact revenge or just have some fun for paid subscribers.8. Google Carnage - Use real-time satellite images to zoom in and see car, train, or plane crashes and other disasters.7. Google Ogle - The hottest unsecured webcams on the Internet.6. Googlebator - Used with Google Ogle, it's our first attempt at hardware.5. Google Alibi - Paid service that will provide you with a credible account for your whereabouts.4. Google Telegraph - Dash-Dot, Dash-Dash-Dash, Dash.3. Google Gaggle - The only search engine for geese.2. Google Invading Force - Some pesky third world country got you down? Send in the troops with Google's new troop management tool.1. Gogoel - Search, for dyslexics.", -Yo Momma is so Dumb she put training wheels on your tricycle., -"An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, Is that Jesus sitting over there?The waitress nodded yes, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, Is that Jesus over there?The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, My treat.The third patron to come into the restaurant was a redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, Hey there, sweet thang! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke?He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, Is that God's boy over there? The waitress once more nodded, so the redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, and put it on my bill.As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him, and said, For your kindness, you are healed. The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him, and said, For your kindness, you are healed. The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of backflips out the door.Then Jesus walked towards the redneck. The redneck jumped up and yelled, Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!", -Who is the ugliest member of wocka?, -"My geometry tutor told me, A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, a five-sided one is called a pentagon. What about two sided ones? I asked. They don't exist, was his response. I beg to differ! I think we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons.", -"Bill Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock , for 6.00 a.m. While his coffee pot , is perking, he puts his blow dryer to work and shaves with his electric razor . He puts on a dress shirt , his designer jeans , and a pair of tennis shoes .After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet , he sits down to figure out on his calculator , how much he can spend today. After setting his watch , to the radio , he goes out, gets in his car , goes looking as he has been for months, for a good paying American job.After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Bill decides to relax for a while. He puts on a pair of sandals , pours himself a glass of wine made in France), and turns on his TV , and wonders again why he can't find a good paying job in America.", -You know you are a redneck when you do not speak your first word until your 18th birthday and that word is WELFARE!., -Why do Gynecologists retire at a younger age that other doctors?They get tunnel vision!, -"Yo momma's so old, if she's not wearing a bra, it looks like she has four legs.", -Yo Momma is so fat she sat on Bigfoot and turned him into Little Toe., -"I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at an engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.So things get larger when they get hot, do they? he asked.Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind Yes, I said, that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter.There was a long pause, then his face cleared and he said, You know, I always wondered about that.", -"There were two guys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to try some ice fishing.They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off for up there. The lakes were frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to a lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, We're going to need an ice pick.So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, We're going to need another dozen ice picks.Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the the guy left. In about an hour, he was back. We're going to need all the ice picks you've got.The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. By the way, he asked, how are you fellows doing?Not very well at all, he said. We don't even have the boat in the water yet.", -"The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. You don't want to try these techniques at home.Why not? asked someone from the back of the audience.I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years, the expert explained.She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'The voice from the back asked, Did it save time?The expert replied, Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.", -"That I would never watch the news, and I would be totally out of touch with the world happenings.That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.That I could change so much and barely realize it.That college kids throw airplanes too.That you can know everything and fail a test.That you can know nothing and ace a test. That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.That I would become one of those people that my parents warned me about.That the more money your parents give you, the less you have every time you check your account!", -"One day an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?No, replied the nervous immigrant.Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?No.Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?No.Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya? asked the exasperated police officer.Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me! He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.The immigrant became indignant and said, What's so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?", -"One day two robins walked along the road, planning their day. Robin 1:Oh my god, we totally have to get some bronzing oil!Robin 2:Duh, I mean if are going to spend the whole day at the beach we totally have to!That day while the robins were tanning on the beach a big bad fox came along. He took one look at them and said:Fox:Mmmm, I love Baskin' Robins!", -"It's okay to kiss a fool,and it's also okay to let a fool kiss you.But NEVER let a kiss fool you!", -Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?, -#NAME?, -"Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday.The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn, to which the gentleman replied, You're not the only one!", -"The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.Goat, the little boy replied.Goat? replied the startled man of the cloth, Are you sure about that?Yep, said the youngster. I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'", -"Are part-time band leaders semiconductors?If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?Does killing time damage eternity?Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?Do pilots in a hurry take crash-courses?How do you get off a nonstop flight?", -"I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.I want to think MMs are better than money because you can eat them.I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.I want to return to a time when life was simple; when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause..............Tag! You're it.", -"1. Iraqi Head Found With Arms2. Man Loses Toes in Snow, but Timesheet Submitted3. Crack found on Governor's Daughter4. Miners Refuse To Work After Death5. Eight Arms Found In Octopus", -"In his legal practice, Abraham Lincoln was never greedy for fees and discouraged unnecessary litigation. A man came to him in a passion, asking him to bring a suit for $2.50 against an impoverished debtor.Lincoln tried to dissuade him, but the man was determined upon revenge.When he saw that the creditor was not to be put off, Lincoln asked for and got $10 as his legal fee. He gave half of this to the defendant, who thereupon willingly confessed to the debt and paid up the $2.50, thus settling the matter to the entire satisfaction of the irate plaintiff.", -"Once, a barber found two MIT students wanting to buy his barber pole. They offered a good price for it, so the barber sold it to them. So - these two guys drove around all day in a pickup truck carrying the barber pole. They kept getting stopped by the police, who were sure they had stolen the pole. But each time, the students referred back to the barber they had bought the pole from. So finally, an APB went out all over Boston, saying that if police saw two students driving around with a barber pole, they should leave them alone.The next day, every single barber pole in Boston was missing.", -"In my college dorm we had one of those irritating type guys who was born with more money than most of us could ever dream of earning, and naturally we resented his Porsche, his boat, and the women who hung all over same. The guy went out of his way to remind us all about his money, car, and especially the women. Most of us were 2 and 3 to a dorm room, but he had a room all to himself at the end of the hall in the dorm.So........ when he took off for an extended weekend, a bunch of us theatre department freaks went to his door, removed the doorknob, plastered over the entire wall at the end of the hall, nailed up new wood molding, painted the entire hallway a new color and changed all the remaining door numbers. When our target returned, his room had simply vanished!", -"Pythagorean Theorem - 24 words.Lord's Prayer - 66 words.Archimedes' Principle - 67 words.10 Commandments - 179 words.Gettysburg Address - 286 words.Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words.US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage -26,911 words.", -"A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.Why don't you put your money where your mouth is? he said. I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.You're on, old man, the braggart replied. It's a bet! Let's see what you've got. Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles, then, nodding to the young man, he said, All right. Get in.", -"Kid's Instructions on Life...Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. - Rocky, age 9Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. - Stephanie, age 8Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower. - Lamar, age 10Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes. - Carrol, age 9Don't ever be too full for dessert. - Kelly, age 10Never spit when on a roller coaster. - Scott, age 11Never do pranks at a police station. - Sam, age 10Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. - Rob, age 10Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. - Hank, age 12Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. - Molly, age 11Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. - Chelsey, age 7Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. - Phillip, age 13Forget the cake, go for the icing. - Cynthia, age 8Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house. - Joanne, age 11When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. - Matthew, age 12", -What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball!, -"Little Susie was watching her father, a pastor, write a sermon.How do you know what to say? she asked.Why, God tells me.Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?", -"Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The parish priest ran into him one day totally inebriated, attempting to stumble home, and gave him a strong lecture against drinking.The good father was able to convince Paddy that, If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse.This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and could not get that thought out of his mind. He couldn't sleep for a week worrying about the priest's threat and finally said to his wife, Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?", -"1. CADDY -- 2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.2. CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again.3. DOUBLE BOGIE -- Casablanca followed by African Queen.4. FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.5. GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license.6. GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.7. HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose.8. IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.9. ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.10. SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.11. SLICE -- No thanks. . .just a sliver.12. TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.13. WATER HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.14. WEDGE -- Bathing suit that's too tight.", -"The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and the family included Senators and Wall Street Wizards. The family decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.So the family hired a fine author to put together all their research notes, only a problem arose - how to handle Great Uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said not to worry, for he could handle the story tactfully. So the book appeared and it said...Great Uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution. He was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.", -Operator? I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure? Yes. That's what it says on the label - 'Woven in Scotland'., -"Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Gates of Heaven.St. Peter said,I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What do you pick to be? The first priest says, I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains.So be it, says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing.In that case, says the second priest, I've always wanted to be a stud.So be it, says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. Will you have any trouble locating them? He asks.The first one should be easy, says St. Peter. He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.Why? asketh the Lord.He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.", -"A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?You're coming empty handed?", -"A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.We need a fourth for poker, said the friend.I'll be right over, whispered the doctor.As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, Is it serious?Oh yes, quite serious, said the doctor gravely. In fact, three doctors are there already!", -"Real friends are those who, when you think you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.", -"Transportation in the Middle Ages by Orson Cart.Growing up in the Balkans by Hugo Slavia.The Outboard Motor Died by Rhoda Shaw.Answering the Questions of the Universe by Howard I. Know.Our Son, Russell, the Chef by Mr. Mrs. Upsumgrub.How to Write a Mystery Novel by Paige Turner.The Great English Breakfast by Chris P. Bacon.Vacation Spots in the Tropics by Sandy Beech.", -"Tips for calling a business that has an answering service. When you get the answering service, please remember these vital tips.1) When you call a lockout company, make sure you give the operator the telephone number on your account. It's considered proper procedure for the locksmith to drive to the office to look up an alternate number where you'll be at, and then drive to you. I believe it's quicker that way too.2) After giving your last name to the operator on the line, and they ask for your first, It's ok to just say Mr or Mrs. Your voice can be deceiving as some people just may not have hit puberty by age 45. 3) If you're calling your apartment complex because your toilet is overflowing and you cant shut the water off, please go and get some coffee. The maintenance people dont need you at home to get inside. that's what they make credit cards for.4) If it's July, and your a/c hasnt worked for 2 months, please call at 2am. Our service reps are just switching shifts and the new shift will be nice and rested to drive to the edge of the boondocks for you.5) If you just happen to be a nurse, and you're calling for a doctor that's new to the hospital, dont worry about what extention ICU is. He's a doctor and he's memorized all of the hospital's codes for every city before he graduates medschool. He remembers best when its 2 am.6) No, sir, i'm sorry. A/C technicians don't make house calls. Please bring your outside Heating and Air Conditioning unit into the shop to get repaired.And the final tip is...If you're a patient and you're calling your doctor afterhours because the medication he's prescribed for you isnt working properly, please let the operator on the line know your whole medical history. The more they know, the better they can help you! ", -"Little Willy was a chemist;Little Willy is no more - For what he thought was H2O, Was H2SO4.Little Willy played with dynamite,Couldn't understand it quite.Curiosity never pays,It rained Willy seven days.", -"Ben and Zero are talking when Ben says, Hey, Zero, if you can tear this piece of paper in half, I'll give you a quarter. Zero then proceeds to tear the paper in half. Ben takes one of the halves, tears it in half, and gives it to Zero, saying, Here's your quarter!Zero wanders off, saying how neat that is and wouldn't it be great to find someone else to pull this on.He meets Tommy, and says, If you can tear this piece of paper in half, I'll give you 25 cents...", -"If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you -the next time he's in need.", -"A little boy is adopted from Korea and is flown to the USA to meet his new parents. A few years later the parents decide to adopt again on the way to the airport the little boy sees planes coming in to land. He says to his mother, Look at all the babies being born. ", -"A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before? Well, yes, the doctor replies, but never framed.", -Seen on rear mud-flaps of a large truckleft mud-flapright mud-flapPassing SideSuicide / ------ ------ \\ ------ ------ / El PasoEl Cruncho, -"A large two-engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. No problem, the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.", -"A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car.Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.The crowd made way for him.Lying in front of the car was a donkey.", -"A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he.On the way to the cleaning shed, he met a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, Only caught one, eh?", -"After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, the interviewer described the person to his boss as rather monosyllabic.The boss said, Really? Where is Monosyllabia?Thinking that his boss was just kidding, he played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia.He replied, Oh, you mean over by Croatia?", -El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries.A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm and sank 65 times., -"When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.The judge was delighted. Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court. Now please sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times.", -"A truck driver was going south on I-75, when he came upon a weight station.When he pulled in and got on the scales to be weighed, the scale master told the driver that he was 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver replied, I can take care or that. The scale master asked he how could he fix the problem? The driver said, Let me go around back, and I'll fix the overweight problem.The scale master agreed to let him fix his problem. About half an hour later the truck driver got back on the scales, and the scale master said, Driver, you are still 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver said, I don't understand what went wrong. I let 50lbs. out of each tire on the rig. After thinking the problem over the scale master said, Well, 18 tires times 50lbs. would equal 900lbs. I guess my scales must be wrong. I'm sorry driver, you may continue on down the road, and have a nice day.", -"My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.Their Disney password was GoofyMickeyMinniePluto and I asked why it was so long.Because, my son explained, they said it had to have at least four characters.", -"I joined a health club last year, spent about $400, and haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.", -"It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!The crowd went wild, shouting Hoya! Hoya!The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation! Hoya! Hoya! cried the crowd, stomping their feet.I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans! The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.Sure, the Chief said, but be careful not to step in the hoya.", -"Did you ever watch the Food Network?Ya, they cook stuff that you won't even think about cooking,and afterwards you don't even bother to even remember it.People just sit at home and drool... It's like porno for fat people.", -Why do cats raise their tails when you stroke their backs? To let you know you've reached the end of the cat., -"There was once a very smart horse.Anything that was shown him, he mastered easily, until one day, his teachers tried to teach him about rectangular coordinates and he couldn't understand them. All the horse's acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn't.Then a new guy looked at the problem and said, Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the horse!", -"Of a swimmer Saw four sharks,Off the coast.Three he missed,One almost.Tight Rope WalkerUsed no net,Knew no fear.Made mis-step,Wound up here.Novice farmerHere lies Clyde,Whose life was full.Until he tried,To milk a bull.", -"Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.The first mouse slams a shot and says, I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times. And with that he slams another shot.The second mouse slams a shot and says, That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it.And with that he slams another shot.The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, Where the hell are you going?The third mouse stops and replies, I'm going home to fuck the cat!", -"How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?None. With all the technology that they have, its a wonder that they still use lightbulbs.", -"A pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, You're terrific!!!Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus. Forget the bonus, the turkey said, All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?", -"A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, What happened to the other five condoms?His nervous reply was, Er, I masturbated with them.Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, Have you ever done that?Yeah, once or twice, he told her.You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before? she asked.Oh, he said, I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend.", -"A car breaks down along the highway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in long black trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to all the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups. When the police questioned him why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!", -"Two kids were bragging about the toys they owned. One of them said, This is Action Man! He's been in Viet Nam, Operation Desert Storm, Iraq - and the vacuum cleaner twice!", -Yo momma so fat she needs a boomerang to put on her belt, -"Two lawyers are leaving the office. I can't wait to get home, says one of them. As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off.I know the feeling, the other says.No, I'm serious, says the first. They're killing me.", -Yo Momma smells so bad that she made an onion cry!, -"Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed? the doctor asked. Yes, I do, the patient replied. Very well, then, the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, What does that tell you? Oh my goodness! the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... Dead men do bleed!!", -"Little Bobby had been searching through a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend? An anniversary, or a congratulations to your mom and dad?Little Bobby shook his head and answered, No. Er...got any blank report cards?", -"A man died and went to heaven, he went to the golden gates, and saw God. He didn't know who God was, so he took one look and said, My god, Who the hell are you?", -"Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends. See owned a saw and Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See saw Soar's seesaw, then See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. But See saw Soar and Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See's saw, so See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. It was a shame to let See see Soar so sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!!!", -"A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS! The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, What's wrong? She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS! In shock, the store manager pleads, Ma'am, why are you saying that? In a huff, the woman says, BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!", -"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman. The priest sighs. Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy? Yes, Father, 'tis I. And who might be the woman you were with? I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation. Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley? I cannot say. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald? I'll never tell. Was it Lisa O'Shanter? I'm sorry, but I'll not name her. Was it Cathy O'Dell? My lips are sealed. Was it Fiona Mallory, then? Please, Father, I cannot tell you. The priest sighs in frustration. You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O' Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now. Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, What'd you get? Five more good leads!", -"Cock-a-doodle-doo, it's time for chicken,Cock-a-doodle-doo, it's time for a feast,Eat a ninety-piece bucket then you can tell,He's been to Cluckin' Bell!Chicken is a bird with a tiny brain,So we assume he doesn't feel any pain.We shrink their heads and we breed 'em fast;Six wings, forty breasts and then they're gassed.Cock-a-doodle-doo we're psychotic crazies,Cock-a-doodle-doo factory farming's insane.We denied it all before our stock price fell,Come down to Cluckin' Bell!", -"My American History teacher was giving a lecture about the first three presidents. A lot of people in my class can't remember presidents very well.You all are brainwashed, he said.Of course, there was confusion in the room at this comment.Let me demonstrate, he continued, 'I'm Cuckoo for...'Cocoa Puffs! the class replied.You don't know the ninth president of the United States, but you know that you are 'Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.'Then, this one guy in my class said, If the presidents were finger-lickin' good, we'd remember 'em.", -A bag of Cheetos has a contest. It says No Purchase neccesary but the code is on the inside..., -"Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.Quick, man, he whispered to the waiter, what did they say?Nothing, replied the waiter. They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets.", -"Yo momma's so dumb, she tells you Yo Momma jokes!", -"You know what would be odd? Some one with a deep, dark voice calls you and says,I know what your phone number is...heh heh...", -The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first., -"A sandwich walked into a bar and asked for a pint.The bartender said, Sorry, we don't serve food.", -If at first u dont suceedFuck the world and smoke some weed, -"Today I was thinking to myself, how would my life be different if I was born one day earlier.I said nothing would change except I would have asked myself that yesterday.", -"A black man dies on Halloween; he is sent to purgatory for a year. On the next Halloween, the man sees angels and God. He asked God if he is going to get wings and become an angel. God says, No nigga, you are going to be a bat.", -"One night a little boy was left alone at home for the weekend. Before leaving his mother told him, if you get scared put your hand under bed and let the dog lick your hand. Then you will know you are safe. So during the night the little boy heard a drip drip drip sound. He got very scared and put his hand under his bed and his dog leicked his hand. He then felt better.A little later he heard the drip drip drip sound again. The boy once again put his hand under his bed and allowd his dog to lick it. He then felt safe.About five minutes later the little boy heard the drip drip drip sound once again. Instead of putting his hand under his bed he got up and went and looked in the bathroom. There was no noise in there, so he headed for the kitchen. Once he was in there he looked over at the sink and it wasn't dripping. So he went in the laundry room, and there was his dog hung, blood dripping drip drip drip. Makes you wonder what was licking the boy's hand.", -"Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?In case he got a hole in one!Why did the football coach go to the bank?To get his quarter back!Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team?Because she ran away from the ball!Why was it hot after the basketball game?Because all the fans were gone!Why is tennis such a noisy game?Because everyone raises such a racket!What did the grape do when he got squashed?He gave out a little whine!What kind of key doesn't fit into a keyhole?A keyboard key!How do you stop meatballs from drowning?Put them in gravy boats.What is the demons' favorite TV sitcom?Friends.Why are graveyards so noisy?Because of all the coffin.What did the tie say to the hat?You go on a head and I'll hang around.Why is a river rich?Because it has two banks.What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?Frostbite.Why do bagpipers walk when they play?They're trying to get away from the noise.What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?A pool table.What do you call cheese that isn't yours?Nacho Cheese.What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?A nervous wreck.What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?Quatro sinko.Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?They all have phones.What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?A stick.What did the tie say to the hat?You go on a head and I'll hang around.What do you call a 18 wheeler loaded with pigs?An 18 squeeler - Submitted by Troy, age 5What would you get if you crossed pasta with a snake?Spaghetti that wraps itself around a fork.What do you call the top of a dog house?The Woof.What vegetable has rhythm?A Beet.What awards to the give to wonderful Grandmothers?The Grammies.What kind of shirt always needs a shower?A Sweatshirt.What did they wear to the Boston Tea Party?T-Shirts.", -"Beans, beans, good for the heart.The more you eat, the more you fart.The more you fart, the better you feel.So eat some beans with every meal.", -"Yo Momma's so ugly, the neighborhood kids dressed up as her for Halloween.", -A man goes to school and learns stuff., -Throwing acid is wrong - in some people's eyes, -"I know that most jokes about women involve the fact that they are not as smart as men and they cannot do two things at once. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have never met a woman, no matter what age, who cannot multi-task, all women can multi-task.They talk and piss you off at the same time!", -"There was once a very very stupid farmer in Texas. The farmer decided he wanted to raise chickens, so he bought a standard gross of chicks.He planted the chicks in the field, watered them regularly, but nothing happened. He was a persistent type, though, so he bought another gross of chicks and planted them and cared for them - still nothing.Finally he decided he needed professional help, so he wrote a letter to the Texas A M extension service, explaining exactly what he'd done in detail and asking for their advice. About two weeks later he received a letter from A M, and read it:Mr. X, we are unable to diagnose your problem without further information.Please send a soil sample.", -What's a specimen? An Italian astronaut!, -What's a bigamist? A heavy fog in Naples!, -What's bigotry? What you find in an Italian forest!, -"A family had lived in Brooklyn for three years, and their eight-year-old son had attended a Brooklyn public school for the past two years. The people of Brooklyn are renowned for their unusual, if not unique, manner of speaking, and the two years of school had given the young fellow an accent that would be recognizable anywhere in the English-speaking world.The parents were concerned about this, for they were from Virginia, and did not think it proper that their son should speak in such a manner...excuse me, mannah.They were well-to-do, so they imported a nanny from their home state, with instructions to Get The Brooklyn Out Of That Boy's Mouth.Saturday morning, the nanny took the lad for the first of many walks in a nearby park. Hearing a bird making a large ruckus high in a tree, the boy said to the nanny, Listen to that boid!Taking her instructions seriously, the nanny admonished him, That's not boid, it's bird.Puzzled, the boy replied It choips like a boid.", -"To find the inverse of a function, you reverse the process. To find the inverse of putting on your socks and shoes, how do you start?Socks first!", -"A woman was taking a shower when the doorbell rang, so she put on a towel and answered it. It's her neighbor Bob. Now, Bob has this huge crush on her, but she's already married.Bob says to her, If you drop your towel, I will give you $5,000. She is thinking that she could use the money, so she says yes, drops the towel, gets her money, and pulls her towel back up.Her husband comes along and asks, Who was that? She replied that it was Bob. The man saw the money in her hand and said, Finally, Bob repaid us that $5,000 he owed us!", -"Yo Momma's so fat, she walks out to work in heels and comes back in pumps.", -"One day a little girl came running into her houseyelling, Mommy, I got five dollars! The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from. The little girl replied, Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheels while he sat in the tree. The mother told her daughter, Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your undies?Ohhhh said the little girl. The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, Where did you get the ten dollars from? The little girl replied, Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed.The mother replied, Didn't I tell you that he is... Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, Wait Mommy; I tricked him, I didn't wear any undies today.", -"A Newfie goes to Toronto to seek his fortune, and after a couple of years is doing very well for himself. His brother calls from Newfoundland to tell him their father is very ill and probably won't survive.Well, if he dies I'll pay for the funeral; the best of everything, spare no expense, just send me the bill, says the Toronto Newfie.Two weeks later he gets a bill in the mail for $7500.00 He sends the cheque off to his brother.The following week he gets a bill for $75.00He sends the cheque off to his brother.The following week he gets another bill for $75.00He sends the cheque off to his brother.The following week he gets yet another bill for $75.00He sends the cheque off to his brother.The following week he gets a bill for $75.00He calls his brother and says, What the hell is going on; why do keep get a bill for $75.00 every week?His brother tells him, Well, you said spare no expense, so we rented Dad a tux.", -"Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, I am Napoleon!Another one said, How do you know?The first inmate said, God told me! Just then, a voice from another room shouted, I did NOT!", -Why did Julie lose the race?Because Jodie won!, -"In Speech, Bush Calls Iraq, Iran, and North Korea 'Axis of Evil-N.Y. Times, 1/30/02ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, and SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL; Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs Beijing. - Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the Axis of Evil, Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the Axis of Just as Evil, which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams! declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best. Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. They told us it was full, said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. An Axis can't have more than three countries, explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool. THE AXIS PANDEMIC International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia, and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable. With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do, said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in Guay, accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.", -"Oh, No! he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.Danny! Danny! he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.In desperation, he took another step then cried out, Danny! From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. Yes, Dad, he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.It's time to get up and get ready for school, the man sighed, and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!", -Alabama:It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.California:Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.Nebraska:A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.New Mexico:Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.Pennsylvania:A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.Tennessee:It is illegal to lasso a catfish in Tennessee., -"Florida:Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.SARASOTA - It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.Louisiana:It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.Biting someone with your natural teeth is simple assault, while biting someone with your false teeth is aggravated assault.North Dakota:Beer pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.Ohio:Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.", -"Vermont:Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week - on Saturday night.Indiana:Bathing is prohibited during the winter.Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.Massachusetts:Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public. Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.Kentucky:By law, anyone who has been drinking is sober until he or she cannot hold onto the ground.It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.", -"There were 2 men sitting next to each other in a hospital waiting room. Feeling a little akward, one man turns to the other and asks, So what are you in here for?. Leaning closer to the other man so as to wisper because of embarasment, the first man replies,I have a green ring around my penis! Shocked, the second man replies,that's so weird, I have a red ring around mine. well time passes an the second man gets called into the doctors office. a little while later the man comes out and walks by the first man with a big smile on his face telling him that he was fine and that he will be too.so the first man gets called into the doctors office. the doctor started to examine him. after about 5 minuets of poking and prodding the doctor finally gives his review. with a worried expression on his face he tells the first man, i'm sorry there is nothing i can do for you. the man replies, the guy who just came out of here had the same problem as me, only he had a red ring around his penis!!! the doctor nodds his head and tells the man, yes, i know, but his ring was just lipstick!", -I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered all over the world., -"I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me What do you do at a red light? I said, I don't know... look around, listen to the radio...", -"China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.", -"As I was coming back from Canada, I stopped at the border and the guy asked, Do you have any firearms with you? I answered, What do you need?", -"A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, I want to be a movie star. Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, What's your name? The guy said, My name is Penis van Lesbian. The agent said, Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name. I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever. The agent said, Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you. So be it! I guess we will not do business together,? the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope are a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke", -"Ghost Poopie The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet. Clean Poopie The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. Wet Poopie The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain. Second Wave Poopie The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more. Turtle Poopie The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finally comes out Pop-a-Vein-in-your-Forehead-Poopie The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. Lincoln Log Poopie The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger. Gas-sy Poopie The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling! Drinker Poopie The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. Corn Poopie Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Poopie The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times. Spinal Tap Poopie That's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways. Wet Cheeks Poopie The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water. Liquid Poopie The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl. Mexican Poopie The kind that smells so bad your nose burns. Upper Class Poopie The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell. The Surprise Poopie You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie! The Dangling Poopie", -"A man runs to the doctor and says, Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken! The doctor asks, How long has she had this condition? Two years, says the man. Then why did it take you so long to come and see me? asked the shrink. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, We needed the eggs.", -"Yo Momma's so fat, when she put on a pair of Nike's, it spelled out Nickelodeon!", -"Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness Let me ask your opinion, nurse...Has anyone ever seen one of THESE?What do you mean, It's upside down?This is what happens when cousins marry.You think we can sew it back on?Is that SUPPOSED to be yellow?What does the AMA know; I still think I can do it.Wow. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten so drunk last night.Does Tab A go into Slot C or Slot F?They never let us practice on REAL people in Med school.Don't worry, he'll never know; he's out.", -"This Australian truck driver is looking for a long distance driving job in Adelaide. He gets offered a job driving a load of bowling balls to Darwin. He's not too keen on this, but he needs the money and so takes off.A while along the highway he sees two Aborigines with a bike, in the middle of nowhere, so he stops and asks if they would like a lift. They say OK. The truck driver says, All right, hop in, but you'll have to ride in the back.A 100 km down the road he stops at a truck stop, which amongst other things, involves a load inspection by the local cops. He is asked where he is off to and he says, Darwin.The cops go round the back, open the doors, slam them shut quickly and rush round desperately to the driver, saying, For Chrissake get going to Darwin straight away, and don't stop - two of your eggs have already hatched, and one of them has stolen a bike!", -"You're probably a redneck if.................... During your wedding, when you kissed the bride, your John Deere hat fell off.", -What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?, -"1. Send us out to cash your checks and buy stamps in all weathers. Walking is exhilarating and as we sit down all day, the exercise does us good.2. Do walk out of the office without telling us where you are going or how long you might be. We enjoy telling people who wish to contact you urgently that we have no idea where you are or when you will return.3. When dictating, please parade up and down the room and practice your golf strokes, or better still, walk out of the room. We can understand what is said more distinctly. 4. Please lower your voice to a whisper when dictating names of people and places. Under no circumstances spell them to us. We are sure to hit the right way sooner or later.5. Please dictate a paragraph and change your mind, with the corrected version following, particularly when using dictating equipment. It adds variety to our typing.6. Should you wish to write out a letter or report, please write with a blunt pencil using the left hand, and use plenty of arrows, balloons and other diagrams.7. If possible, always pick up your calls on your secretary's phone. This ensures that we cannot pick up calls for any other people on our own phones. It also helps keep us company. We miss you during the day.8. If you are being paged, please ignore it. We usually have no particular reason for wanting to locate you and enjoy hunting you down or taking messages.9. Please do interrupt us while we are speaking on the telephone. We have two ears, so we might as well use both of them at the same time.", -"A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him, Hey - come over here, buddy. The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, Were you talking to me?The horse replies, Sure was, man. I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run.The jogger thought to himself, Boy, a talking horse. Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer, Hey, man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field. The farmer replies, Son, you can't believe anything that horse says - he's never even been to Kentucky.", -"David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, Rhode Island, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind. 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.", -Knock-KnockWhy are you knocking? I've got a doorbell., -"In Arkansas, it is illegal to say the word Arkansas incorrectly.", -"Harassment:The teacher asked Paco to use harassment in a sentence. Paco smiles and says......... Orale vato ...Mi ruca caught me inbed with my sancha , pero that's okay porque I told herthat... HAR ASS MENT nothing to me.", -"One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, Do you know what it is?No, I don't, said the little boy.OK, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!", -"Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. I play a man who's been married for twenty years.That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part.", -"Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, I think I'm going to see a dietitian.Nina asks, Why?Rosy answers, 'Cause I need to know once and for all how many calories there are in semen.Nina replies, I really have no clue, but if you're swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky.", -"The Russian wrestling team and American wrestling team are having a 5-on-5 exhibition match. Both teams are down to their final wrestlers, tied at two wins apiece. The remaining American wrestler is 5'10, 175lbs., and his Russian counterpart is 6'7, 300lbs and all muscle. The American coach sends his wrestler into the match with little hope of winning. As expected, the Russian has with way with the American. Suddenly, the American explosively turns the match around, pins the Russian, and gains the victory for the American team.The American wrestler returns to the sidelines where the coach asks him, Son, how were you able to defeat that big Russian? Honestly, I didn't give you much of a chance.The wrestler says, Well, coach, when he had me down on the ground all rolled up, I saw a pair of nuts dangling in front of my face, and I just bit them as hard as I could.The coach is shocked. That's how you beat him?!Hell yeah! the wrestler says. You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!", -"Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me.Manic - Deck The Halls and Walls and Houses and Lawns and Streets and Stores and Offices and Towns and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me.Borderline Personality - Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire.Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why.Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ..........", -"A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he's going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.My darling, he writes, it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation's terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them.His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, Why don't you learn to play this?Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. Darling he says, I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!But she stops him with a wave of her hand. First, let's see how well you play that harmonica.", -"Joe and Bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR.All of a sudden Joe says, I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months.Bill sips his beer and says, You better think it over, women like that are hard to find.", -You might be a redneck if all of your good clothes have come from cases of beer!, -You might be a redneck if at your wedding your tux has a sign on the back that says sponsored by Bubba's Chicken and Waffles!, -"A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with 1 John 4:18 which reads, There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake, John 4:18 For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband.", -When the river runs redTake the dirt road instead!, -"Man, your mom's like the UCLA; every year she gets beaten up by a lot of Trojans!", -"You mom's soooo stupid, she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer!", -"Walking past a veterinary clinic, a woman noticed a small boy and his dog waiting outside. Are you here to see Dr. Meyer? she asked.Yes, the boy said. I'm having my dog put in neutral.", -"On a trip to see Santa, little Johnny climbed into St. Nick's lap and shared his wish list. Later that day, in another store, there was Santa again!And what would you like for Christmas? he asked little Johnny.Shaking his head, Johnny sighed, You really need to write these things down.", -Why was the little pointy-eared boy down in the dumps?He had low elf-esteem.Why does Santa Claus come down the chimney on Christmas Eve?Because it soots him., -"How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to give him a boost.", -"Some people divorce for good reasons, some for bad. Then there are people who divorce for these reasons:A man from Conneticut filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read I won't be home when you return from work. Have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at seven o'clock on Channel 2.A housewife filed for divorce on the grounds that her husband was having an affair. The woman became suspicious when every time the phone rang, her myna bird spouted things like Divorce, I love you and Be patient.", -"On the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?He looked up. This IS your last day of skiing.", -"A bicyclist came whizzing down a steep hill and smashed into a car as I stood there watching in horror. I ran over to see if I could help and discovered the wild rider was a friend of mine, an attorney.I knew he was going to be just fine when the first words out of his mouth were, Did the driver admit he was at fault?", -"When she put on makeup it's just like water, comes straight off.", -"Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine. Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said, I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently. Hmm? said the manager. And are you sure there is nothing you over-indulge in? Well, said the man, I lie extensively.", -"HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE? When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour. Wendy, age 8.Mooshy...like puppy dogs...except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much. Arnold, age 10.All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark. Shem, age 8.CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLEOne of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too. Andrew, age 6.ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKELike an avalanche where you have to run for your life. John, age 9.REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVELove is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too. Greg, age 8.CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDSThey are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle some day and do the holy matchimony thing. John, age 9.", -"Signs of AgingEverything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.You get winded playing chess.You're still chasing women but can't remember why.You look forward to a dull evening.Your favorite part of the newspaper is 25 Years Ago Today...You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.", -"Signs of AgingYou just can't stand people who are intolerant.The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. Your children begin to look middle-aged. You've finally reached the top of the ladder only to find it's leaning against the wrong wall. Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.", -"CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVEI'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television. Jill, age 6.Love is foolish.....but I might try it sometime. Floyd, age 9.Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place...we were behind a tree. Carey, age 7.THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVERSensitivity don't hurt. Robbie, age 8.SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUShake your hips and hope for the best. Camille, age 9.Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there. Manuel, age 8.HOW CAN YOU TELL IF ADULTS EATING DINNER IN A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?Romantic adults are usually all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up. Sarah, age 9.See if the man has lipstick on his face. Sandra, age 7.", -"I use to eat natural foods, but then I found out that 65% of all people die of natural causes.", -"Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?", -"The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, What'll you have? The guy answers, A scotch, please. The bartender hands him the drink, and says, That'll be five dollars, to which the guy replies, What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this. A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration. The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again. The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back! The guy says, What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life! The bartender replies, I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double. To which the guy replies, Thank you. Make it a scotch.", -Sadly I will never be able to join a nudist colony.., -"This is a true story. Last year my teachers all believed in the, There is no stupid question thing, until we started talking about a three day trip our class was going to take. We had just finished talking about room arrangements.My teacher asked for any questions, stating his famous line, There are no stupid questions. A girl raised her hand and asked, Are guys allowed to bunk with us?He now has a new fave line, There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.", -"As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.There may be, he replied. Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything.Both were excused.", -How do you know if a family tree is a redneck's?The family tree goes straight down., -"Yo momma's so old, she doesn't need a history book.", -What was the last thing NASA heard before apollo 13 crashed?Let her drive., -You are a big animal that is big., -Q. how long does it take for a man to change a lightbulb?A. 5 mins. 20 secs.1 min to get a lightbulb1 min to try and change it1 min to swear because he can't do it1 min to find a woman20 secs. for her to change it1 min for him to cry and gripe about it., -"A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks.To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.Now see here, the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?Yes, sir, replied the waiter, yesterday you were sitting by the window.", -"My lover and I can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.Hello! You've reached Jim and Cathy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Cathy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape! Hello, this is Jack. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.You have reached 555-6238. Why did you call? This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when. You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the new millennium. You know what to do. Surprisingly, you have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep. This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway.So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee. This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Tony's Pizza. It's not the beauty shop either, and no one named Pamela lives here. You can leave a message though. Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Leave your message.", -"Dear God,If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. DeniseDear God,You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. DeanDear God,I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. ElliotDear God,Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. RobDear God,My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? Marsha", -"Dear God,The bad people laughed at Noah - You made an ark on dry land, you fool. But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. EddieDear God,I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are God already. CharlesDear God,I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool! EugeneDear God,In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? JaneDear God,I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, AllisonDear God,Are you really invisible or is that a trick? Lucy", -What's worse than 10 babies in one dumpster?1 baby in 10 dumpsters., -How do you keep a Michigan State Player out of your yard?Set up a goal post., -byuuyntfifgjrfnbrft9tn...told you so., -How do you confuse an Irishman?Line 4 shovels up against a wall and tell him to take his pick., -"Why did the Irish people jump on the bartender?He said, The drinks are on me.", -"4 Mexicans are in a car. Who is driving?A policeman.What do you call a bunch of Mexicans running down a hill?Jailbreak.There is a Mexican, a French, a Italian, and an American. Their boat was getting too heavy so they decided to throw off some cargo. The Frenchmen tossed off a bottle of wine. All the others yelled, What are you doing?He replied, We have too many of these in our country.Next, the Italian threw off a pizza. All the others yelled, What are you doing? He replied, We got too many of these in our country.After that the Mexican threw off a bunch of tacos. All the others yelled, What are you doing?He replied, We have too many of these in our country.Finally, the American had a turn to throw of some cargo. He threw off the Mexican. All the others yelled, What are you doing?He replied, We have too many of those in our country.", -"A little girl went into the barber shop to get a haircut. When the barber was cutting her hair he realized she was eating a little debbie snack. He said, Sweetie, you're going to get hair on your twinkie.The little girl answered, I know, and I'm going to get boobs, too.", -"A pregnant woman was taking a shower and her three year old daughter said,Mommy, you're getting fat!And the mother replied,That because a baby is growing in my tummy.To which the daughter said,Yeah,but what's growing in you butt?", -"Three men were engineers checking a bridge when out of nowhere this masked man pointed a gun at them and said ,If you want to live,you'll jump off the bridge and you'll survive.Well,the gunman turned around to take his mask off and when he turned around the engineers saw it was a construction worker.April Fools!he yelled out as water shot out from thegun.The first engineer looked at him and said,Tell that to the man who jumped when you had turned around.", -"One day a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, Do you have any corn? and the bartender says, No, we only sell beer.The next day the man walks into the bar again and asks for corn but this time the bartender says, Hey, you are the guy that asked for corn yesterday? If you ask for corn one more time i will nail you to the wall!The next day the man goes into the bar again and asks, Do you have any nails? and the bartender says, No, so the man says, Do you have any corn?", -"One day there were 3 children that were sent to the head of the school's office. Their names were Fly, Dick and Piss. When they got there, no one was there so Fly hid on the desk, Dick hid under the desk and Piss started to jump around. When the head of the school got there he said Fly down, Dick up and Piss on the floor!", -"FLATTERY - What your kid does when they want something.EAT VEGETABLES - What your kid does when they want dessert. Usually.BEG, CRY, or WHINE - What your kid does when they want something you don't want to give them.CALL - What your kid does when they get a good grade.FORGET TO CALL - What your kid does when they do NOT get a good grade.BRUSH TEETH - What your kid promises to do so you will let them eat candy. And then they forget.DRINK MILK - What your kid does after they heat it up and add hot chocolate powder.SPILL WATER - What your kid does when they want to drink soda instead.DROP THEIR LUNCH - What your kid does when they don't like what you made for them.PRETEND TO SLEEP - What your kid does when they don't want to talk.READ - What your kid does when you buy them a new comic book.DO HOMEWORK - What your kid does only when you yell at them.USE THE COMPUTER - What your kid does, all the time.", -"There are three men a plane; an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman.When each of them flew over their country they dropped an item.When the plane flew over England, the Englishman dropped a rose; when the plane flew over Scotland, the Scotsman dropped a thistle, and finally, when the plane flew over Ireland, the Irishman dropped a bomb. They then flew over all the countries again, but passing by where they dropped the items. In England the rose had dropped in a bus station and a woman was weeping.They asked, Woman, why are you weeping? She said in reply, Well, the Lord sent me a rose but I'm allergic to them.Next, they journeyed over to Scotland. In Scotland also the thistle had dropped in a bus station. In the station a man was screaming and yelling. They asked the man, Man, why are you yelling? He answered, Well, a thistle fell from the sky, but it landed in my eye! Finally they went over to the mystic place called Ireland. The bomb had also landed in a bus station. They go in and a little boy is laughing.They ask him, Boy, why are you laughing? He said in between giggles, I farted and the guy behind me blew up.", -"This is a fun way to irritate your friends and family on your answering machine!On your answering machine -Hello? pause, What's up? pause again, Oh, well you must feel pretty stupid right now because you're talking to my answering machine! So leave a message! Beep.", -"Four-year-old Robert tells his kindergarten teacher that he has a new baby brother, called Spot.Spot? says the teacher. Are you sure it's not a puppy your Dad bought you?Robert was adamant that his brother's name was Spot - until next morning, when he issued a correction.Actually, it's Mark.", -Speak your mind out when you're angry. You'll make the best speech you'll ever live to regret., -Knock knock?Who's there?Madame.Madame who?Madame foot is stuck in the door!!, -"Knock knock.Who's there?Cows.Cows who?No, owls hoo, cows moo.", -Yo momma so ugly when i punch her she looks better than before., -"Yo momma's so fat that when I take a picture of her and hang it on the wall, it still falls down!", -What did Margie say about her brain surgeon?I really gave him a piece of my mind!, -Why should you look out for a pig that knows karate?It might give you a pork chop!, -Movie stars are a reel treat!, -How did Alfo make a quart of juice from 3 oranges?It was a tight squeeze., -"This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor. The old man asks, Why are you going to sleep on the floor? The old woman says, Because I want to feel something hard for a change.", -"It's more fun to color outside the lines.If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.Ask why until you understand.Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.Make up the rules as you go along.It doesn't matter who started it.Ask for sprinkles.If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.Save a place in line for your friends.", -"Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.Just keep banging until someone opens the door.Making your bed is a waste of time.There is no good reason why clothes have to match.Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.You work so hard pedalling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.", -"Many many years ago when I was twenty three,I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.This widow had a grown up daughter,Who had hair of red.My father fell in love with her,And soon the two were wed.This made my dad my son-in-law,And changed my very life;My daughter was my mother,For she was my father's wife.To complicate the matters worse,Although it brought me pride and joy,I soon became the fatherOf a bouncing baby boy.My little baby then becameA brother-in-law to dadAnd so became my uncle,Though it made me very sad.For if he is my uncle,Then that also made him brotherTo the widow's grown up daughterWho, of course, was my step mother.Father's wife then had a son,Who kept them on the run.And he became my grandson,For he was my daughter's son.My wife is now my mother's motherAnd it makes me very blue.Because, although she is my wife,She is my grandmother too.If my wife is my grandmother,Then I am her grandchild.And every time I think of it,It simply drives me wild.For now I have becomeThe strangest case you ever saw.As the husband of my grandmother,I am my own GRANDPA!", -"In Clinton, Alabama, it is illegal to molest your automobile.Now how would you go about doing that? And how would your automobile testify against you?", -What do you get when the post office burns down?A case of black mail., -What do Gorillas Sleep on in fruit orchards?Apricots., -Why does Tommy run around the school track 98 times every day?He has a run track mind., -How does a rodeo star get around?With a cattle-act., -What happened when Ray Johnson fell off the Empire State Building?Now everyone calls him x-ray., -"Why did the Quiz Show give away $10,000 plus one banana?They wanted the prize to have appeal.", -"A couple are getting married in a big fancy church with all of the relatives and friends in attendance.The priest is going through the nomal procedure and when he comes to the part If anyone objects to the union of these two people in Holy Matrimony let them speak now or for ever hold their peace.A redneck in the back row jumps up and hollers I object, I am in love with her and she's carrying my baby!As the gathering gasps in surprise the redneck runs up the aisle, shoves the groom aside and rips off the brides veil.After a moment of silence the redneck exclaims, Hey you ain't my sister!", -What did the penis say to the condom?Cover me I'm going in!, -After everything I say I want you to say I am a Man.You go to a bar.I am a manYou see a girl and go meet herI am a manYou take her homeI am a manYou get in bed with herI am a manShe whispers in you earI am a man, -How does the butcher introduce his wifeMeat Patty, -"One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, I'll take him and him and him.", -Yo Momma is like a TV; Even a 4 year old could turn her on., -"Yo Momma so poor she found a ciagarette on the ground and said, Honey, we got a fire tonight!", -You are not as stupid as you look. That would be impossible., -"What shall we play today? Cori asked her best friend Judy.Let's play 'school'! said Judy.Okay, said Cori, But I'm going to be absent.", -"Yo momma so old, she was at the afterparty when Moses brought down the Ten Commandments.", -"Yo momma so stupid, when Moses brought down the Ten Commandments, she said, Where's the ketchup?HINT:commandments condiments", -"This guy comes walking out of a store carrying a big grandfather's clock. A drunk man bumps into him and the guy drops the clock and smashes it all to hell.The guy says, Why don't you watch where you're going? and the drunk says, Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?", -"Yo Momma so ugly, she walks down the street and a little boy says,look Mommy, there's Shrek!", -"Sixty is the worst age to be, said the 60 year-old man. You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing happens. Ah, that's nothin, said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens. Actually, said the 80-year-old, Eighty is the worst age of all. Do you have trouble peeing, too? asked the 60-year old. No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?No, I have one every morning at 6:30. Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?I don't wake up till 7:00.", -"I asked the Lord to tell me Why my house is such a mess. He asked if I'd been 'computering', And I had to answer, yes.He told me to get off my fanny And tidy up the house. And so I started cleaning up... The smudges off my mouse. I wiped and shone the topside. That really did the trick... I was just admiring my work... I didn't mean to 'click.'But click, I did, and oops I found A real absorbing site That I got SO way into... I was into it all night.Sigh Nothing's changed except my mouse It's very, very shiny. I guess my house will stay a mess... While I sit here on my hiney.", -"A few decades from now, George Bush will die . He goes up to Heaven where he sees a bunch of clocks, and he asks God what the clocks do. These clocks go forward one minute each time the person tells a lie.Bush looks for his clock.Where's mine?Oh, that one? I use that as a ceiling fan.WHAT?", -"A guy in a restaurant says to the waitress, I want a cup of coffee without cream.The waitress comes back a few minutes later and says, I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?", -"An eight year old girl tried checking a book out of the library, entitled 'Advice for Young Mothers'.The librarian, being a typically nosey and puritanical librarian, asked, Why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?The little girl replied, Because I collect moths.", -"One day, 3 men were walking around in the desert. One was poor, but had lots to drink and was smart; one was rich and very thirsty but was smart, and the last was poor, thirsty and stupid.Suddenly a genie popped up and said, Each of you can have one wish, but it is a different sort of wish to the usual. Each of you can go down this magic slide, and a slide appeared from nowhere, and whatever you say in the slide you will land in a large pile of whatever you said.The first man went down and said, GOLD, and he landed in gold; the second man said, COCA-COLA, and he landed in coca-cola; the last man said, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and he landed in wee.", -"A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.The wife answers, Thank you hon, what would like me to bring for you?The husband laughs and says, An Italian girl.The woman kept quiet and left.Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks, So, hon, how was the trip?Very good, thank you.And what happened to my present?What present? she askedThe one I asked for - an Italian girl!Oh, that, she said.Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait for nine months to see if it's a girl!", -"Beaverton, OR- You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm.Portland, OR- People may not whistle underwater.", -A fool and his money are soon partying., -When does running mean walking?When you're running out of gas!, -Q. What do you call Asians swimming in a pool?A. Cornflakes, -"Time may fly, but does it have wings?", -How many Russian leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?We don't know. Russian leaders don't last as long as lightbulbs., -"Yo momma is so ugly, that when she was born the doctor smacked her butt and his hand melted!", -Conserve water. Shower with a friend., -"y'know, they made a movie about me once. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.Oops.Is that thing called a lung?And my mom wanted me to help people.Shoot! That's the third pair of tongs this week!I can't pull it out!This belongs on MTV.No one asked for your opinion.It's a boy!Hey! I can see the operating table!Brilliant. Now what?I need a lawyer.What have you been eating?!This is all a dream...this is all a dream...Mommy!Fire in the hole!I knew I should've stopped drinking.", -"I'm a little teapot, short and stout.I have whooping cough!Where did my bandage go?I think I'm going to puke.I can compare myself to Rachel Ray! NOT!If I mess up one more time, I'm turning this blade on you.I summon up my Eighth Amendment Right!I wanted to be an executioner!Burp!I just live here.What color the meat is, I don't care! I'm not even wearing any underwear!Man, this place just stunk up bad.You want fries with that?Johnny, my meat is on fire!Surreal.", -"Two farmers were boasting about the strongest wind they'd ever experienced. Out here in California, said one, I've seen the fiercest wind in my life. You know those giant redwoods trees? Well the wind got so strong it bent them right over.That's nothing, said the farmer from Iowa. Back on my farm we had a wind one day that blew a hundred miles per hour. It was so bad that one of my hens had her back turned to the wind and laid the same egg six times!", -Yo momma so fat she sank Atlantis!, -"A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, What the hell are you doing? I'm wearing my love dress, responds the daughter-in-law, We haven't made love in a long time.So the mother-in-law says, Hm, maybe I should try that. She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, What the hell are you doing? I'm wearing my love dress, says the wife.Well, responds the husband, it needs to be ironed.", -Im not on my period...I just dont like you :P, -What if there were no hypothetical situations?, -"You can pick your friends,You can pick your nose;But you cant pick your friends nose.... What true words....!", -"During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?No, sir, a student called out.No? queried the professor. Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won't dissolve.Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in!", -"Fruit Cake Recipe 1 c water 1 c butter 4 lg. eggs 1 btl WHISKEY 8 oz mixed nuts 1 tsp. salt juice of one lemon 1 c brown sugar 2 c dried fruit 1 tsp baking powder Sample whiskey to check quality. Take a large bowl. Re-sample whiskey to ensure it is of the highest quality. Pour one cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp. of sugar and beat again. Make sure whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn on the mixerer. Break two eggs and add to the bowl, chuck in the dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If fried druit gets stuck in beaterers, pry loos with a drewscriver. Sample whiskey to check for tonsiscency. Next sift two cups of salt...or something...who cares? Check whiskey again. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turnerer. Throw the bowl out the window, check the whiskey again, and go to bed. Add that is how you make Christmas Fruitcake! LOL! Enjoy!", -Apparatus is a fancy word for thingy., -"In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.Dr. Seuss coined the word nerd in his 1950 book If I Ran the Zoo.It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.", -"Age 6 - I've learned that if you spread the peas out on your plate, it looks like you ate more.Age 8 - I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same time, it will come out your nose.Age 10 - I've learned that you should never jump out of a second story window using a sheet for a parachute.Age 11 - I've learned that if you want to get even with someone at camp, you rub their underwear in poison ivy.Age 13 - I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up.Age 16 - I've learned that when my parents are in a bad mood, it's best to agree to everything they say or things get nasty.", -Age 27 - I've learned that I should never praise my mother's cooking when I'm eating something fixed by my wife.Age 30 - I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.Age 31 - I've learned that nothing really bad happens when you tear those little do not remove tags from pillows.Age 42 - I've learned that marrying for money is the hardest way of getting it.Age 52 - I've learned that if you like garlic salt and Tabasco sauce you can make almost anything taste good.Age 53 - I've learned that after age 50 you get the furniture disease. That's when your chest falls into your drawers., -"Every day the same old thingEssays, reading, handwriting I do it all while sitting hereWith a very tempting computer near.I try to ignore the silent pleaPlease, surf the net on me I, for a while I ignore the callBy writing a paper on the Taj Mahal.But inevitablyIt gets to meI shove my work out of the way .The screen savers gone when I click on the mouseA happy blue glow fills up the houseI open the Internet, WhoopitydeeI yell .When I've replied I surf the netIs there anything exciting? You bet!I'll do this while the sun fades awayMarking the end of another long dayBut I will not notice, oh no not meI'll be too wrapped up in my computer you see.", -"What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?Somebody's fixin' to lose them a house trailer.", -A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds., -A shark is the only animal that can blink both eyes.A snail can sleep for three years.A crocodile cannot move its tongue., -"Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years old.Butterflies taste with there feet.Cats have over 100 vocal cords. Dogs have about 10.February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.", -"If the population of China walked past you, in a single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light.Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.", -"Our eyes are always the same from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.Rubber Bands last longer when refrigerated.Lollipop is the longest word typed with only the right hand.The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.", -There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.There are more chickens than people in the world.There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins., -Women blink nearly twice as much as men.Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest its self.The largest fish is the whale shark-it can be over 50 feet long and weigh 2 tons.The only continent without native reptiles or snakes is Antarctica., -"Mosquitoes have 47 teeth.An ant can lift 50 times its own weight.Holland is the only country with a national dog.The first penny had the motto mind your own business.Before mercury, brandy was used to fill thermometers.Chinese is the most commonly spoken language in the world.", -"In 1634, tulip bulbs were a form of currency in Holland.A male kangaroo is called a boomer.Penguins have an organ above their eyes that converts sea water to fresh water.Bamboo makes up 99% of a panda's diet.The first human-made object to break the sound barrier was a whip.Beavers were once the size of bears.The first ballpoint pens were sold in 1945 for $12.00 each.", -"Antarctica is the driest, coldest, windiest and highest continent on earth.Panama is the only place in the world that you can see the sun rise on the Pacific and set on the Atlantic.The only lighthouse to use electricity was the Statue of Liberty.A honey bee can fly up to 15 m.p.h.", -A single coffee tree produces only about a pound of coffee beans a year.The only bird that can swim but not fly is the penguin.The tallest man was 8'11The first vacuum was so large; it was brought to a house by horse.A female kangaroo is called a flyer., -"The average human produces about 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime.Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia. Americans spend more than $630 million a year on golf balls.You must play ping-pong for 12 hours to lose a pound.The life span of a taste bud is ten days.", -"2,500 left handers die each year using products designed for right handers.Most people hear better with their right ear.Animals that lay eggs don't have belly buttons.Honey bees are the only insects that create a form of food for humans.", -"The first TV remote control, introduced in 1950, was called Lazy Bones.Lemon sharks can give birth to about 36 babies at one time.The top of the Empire State Building was originally built as a place to anchor blimps.The area code in Cape Canaveral, Fl, is 321.", -Baboons were once trained by Egyptians to wait on tables.A queen bee can lay 800-1500 eggs per day.The Popsicle was invented in 1905 by an 11-year-old boy.Disco means I learn in Latin., -"The first TV network kids show in the U.S. was Captain Kangaroo.Before 1687 clocks were made with only an hour hand.There are towns named Sandwich in Illinois and Massachusetts.Caterpillars have over 2,000 muscles.", -The first typewriter was called the literary piano.Frogs can't swallow with their eyes open.A duck's quack doesn't echo.August has the highest percentage of births., -Why do you Drive on the Parkway but Park on the Driveway?, -"A bear was bought from a Russian circus by a tourist agent after he was asked to provide an American visitor with a wild bear hunt. The tourist was taken to the Perdelkino Forest near Moscow and when all was ready, the bear was released. As the hunter closed in on his prey, a postman passed by on his bike, saw the bear, and tumbled off in surprise. Recalling his Big Top training, the bear grabbed the bike and pedalled off, leaving the American to sue for fraud.", -"In February 1993 a train knocked down and injured an elephant calf in the Sylhet region of Bangladesh. When the next train came along an hour later the calf's mother blocked the track, then banged her forehead against the engine for 15 minutes, until it could no longer run. Then she walked off into the jungle again, leaving about 200 passengers stranded for over five hours.A man driving to work through the southern desert of Saudi Arabia ran over one of a troupe of monkeys. When he made the return trip later that day, the remaining monkeys were waiting for him. They spotted his car, jumped on it, and smashed the windows with their fists.", -"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called? Turkey feathers.Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building? Yes - a building can't jump at all.Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks.Where did the first corn come from? The stalk brought it.When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.", -"Yo momma's so fat, that when she went to the doctor, he did an ultrasound test.", -"One day, Mr. Dorren's first grade class was learning the alphabet. One of his students came up to Mr. Dorren and asked to go to the bathroom.Mr. Dorren said, First, recite the alphabet.The student started, A, B... ... L, M, N, O, Q...When he finished, Mr. Dorren asked, Where's the 'P'?Running down my legs. replied the student.", -What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one in-a-million chance of becoming a human being., -Why did the chicken cross the road?To go to the other side!Why did the Mexican Chicken cross the Border?To get to the U.S., -"A little boy walked into a petshop and went up to a clerk. The boy asked if she had dachshunds in the store. The clerk said yes, and she went and got the dog out of the cage and handed it to him.He got all excited when he held it and immediately went to the checkout and gave the clerk a check for $100, that he said was his birthday money. He was so excited and anxious that the clerk asked why he wanted that dog so much, and not a big dog like most boys got when they came in.He replied, I've always wanted to be a cowboy and now I can, because the song says 'Get along little dogie!'", -"Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends; they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever, and Sam, well,let's just say he was not so good.Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together, but while Larry went to heaven, Sam went to hell.Larry was doing well in heaven, and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we have ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help.Larry said, Well, don't get me wrong, Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I miss him a lot.St. Peter looked at Larry with pity, and said to him, I tell you what; I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?This made Larry very happy, and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened, he was met by Sam. They hugged each other and they were off. You see, in Hell, Sam owned a disco. They spent the day there together, and had a great time. At the end of the day, Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together, said their goodbyes, and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted there by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?Larry looked around and said, No, I don't think so, I have my halo and my wings.St. Peter said, Yes, but what about your harp?Larry gasped and said, I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!", -"There was a atheist and his son dicussing religion. The young man later brought up the discussion with his friends, who explained to him the concept on the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.That day the man went home and told his father that there were three gods and explained to him what his friends had said.The father stared at his son and said, No, son, there is only one god, and we don't believe in him.", -"Each simile listed below was actually used by high school students in their various essays and short stories:He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 P.M. instead of 7:30.Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie, this guy would be buried in the credits as something like second tall man.Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers race across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 P.M. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M. at a speed of 35 mph.The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free", -"A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course.There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, Anyone else? This is your last chance.One final student rose up and opted out of the final. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. I'm glad to see you believe in yourself, he said. You all get 'A's.", -"An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the history teacher that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the history teacher selects infinite wisdom.Done! says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the history teacher, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.One of his colleagues whispers, Say something. The history teacher sighs and says, I should have taken the money.", -"The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes, but in those days there were only 13.", -"A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. Justin, he asked, which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'? Justin answered the correct airline.Sandra, can you tell me which company has the slogan, Don't leave home without it? Sandra answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.Now Allison, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'? And Allison answered, Mom...", -"A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later.The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and commanded him, Tell me when you will die!The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. I do not know when I will die, he answered finally. I only know that when I die, you will die two days later.", -"Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly. After the coroner leaves with Steve's body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve's wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?Steve's wife gave it to me!What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve's widow. She said she wasn't, so I said I'd bet her a six-pack she was!", -What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?A dry Martinez., -"If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?K9P.", -What goes oh oh oh?Santa walking backwards, -How do you make the number 1 disappear?Add a g to it and it's gone, -How does the barber cut the moon's hair?E-clipse it, -Why did the blond cross the road?I don't know.Neither did he., -"Supplemental Rules for Bowling If you holler overs! before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the overs. When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game, and your team still has a chance. After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames. When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the Designated Bowler rule. After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say Kings X and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, Fair is Fair. If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized. A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.", -"A lady named Annala had 4 children.They didn't spent a lot of time together.One day Annala's husband said,How about having a picture contest, so we can have a great time! We can invite the whole family; Grandma, Grandpa, and the rest of the gang!The mother accepted the challenge.The day of the picture contest everyone was there.So far everyone had very lovely pictures.A picture of a flower, a picture of a cat, a picture of a dog, and a picture of a duck.The youngest child was the last.Everyone was cheering while he was presenting.He proudly announced, This great picture I made is of my mommy and daddy wrestling on the bed!", -"I was at home one day when my son walked in on me and my husband.He said Momma i found this moving around on the floor.I said huh?he asked if he could play with it...I said sure not knowing what it was at the time....I come out of my room go in his and its in his ass. Needless to say,he has watched me.", -"90 percent of people in Idaho say, Oh shit! when in a car wreck, The other ten percent say, Hold my beer and watch this shit!", -"The other day I was watching the news and there was the strangest story. You see a man went to Huck's gas station and was filling up his red gas holder for emergencies during the winter, and when he put the cap on some sloshed out onto his arm. He didn't think anything of it and went on ahead and got in his car and drove off. Two miles down the road he lit up a cigarette and caught his arms on hands on fire! He pulled off to the side and a cop driving by pulled over by him. And you know what he gave the man a ticket... for illegal use of fire-arms.", -"In WW2 Captain Saunders was wounded in battle and captured by the Germans. He was sent to a German military hospital.On his first day in the hospital a doctor came, bearing bad news, we have to amputate your legs.The Captain was very sad, however he asked the doctor if his legs could be dropped in his commanders next bombing mission over Britain. The doctor asked his commander, and he said yes.And sure enough it was dropped.On the second day the doctor came bearing more bad news, we have to amputate your left arm.The Captain was sadder than before, but he asked if this could also be dropped, in the commander's next mission. The answer was yes and it was dropped.On the third day, the doctor came bearing even more bad news, we have to amputate your right arm.The Captain was also sad, and he asked the arm could be dropped in the next bombing mission. The doctor replied, NO, my commander thinks you are trying to escape", -"Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, What do you want on your back for your Amazonian whipping?The German responds, I will take oil! So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, What do you want on your back? I will take nothing! says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.What will you take on your back? the Amazons ask the American. He responds, I'll take the Mexican.", -"I was sitting in chat room,Feeling mildly amused,When I saw something strange,That left me all confused. Someone typed a word,But I had never seen it.What is an LOL? Then the plot got thicker,More words I didn't know,A person started typing,The word LMAO. I sat there in amazement,I felt like a dumb toad.Could it be, these people,Were speaking in a code? That's when I looked closer.And found the subtle clue.I figured out this codeAnd I'll share it now, with you. LOL is three little words,That seem, to me, quite shady.Why would someone ever writeThe words, Lean Over Lady? LMAO, was more obscure,It made me sweat my socks!LMAO is a command,Meaning, Leave Me Alone, Ox! ROFL was harder still,I found it rather sickening.It's a discreet way to say,Ready Only For Licking! I can't believe that AOL,Would let this code exist!To them I say, YOMSLMeaning, You're On My Shit List!", -"Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnessesclaimed that an Unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr., Hillary Rodham, John F Kerry, William Jefferson Clinton, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Charles E Schumer, and Barbara Boxer were born.See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? Thispiece of information may clear up a lot of things.", -Why did Tom throw butter outside the window?Because he wanted to see the butter-fly., -"An recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question, the foreman said. Without using numbers, represent the number 9. Without numbers? the Italian says, Dat is easy. And he proceeds to draw three trees. What's this? the boss asks. Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine, says the Italian. Fair enough, says the boss. Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but thi s time the number is 99. The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has ust drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. Ere you go. The boss scratches his head and says, How on earth do you get that to represent 99? Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99. All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100. The Italian man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, Ere you go. One hundred. The boss looks at the attempt. You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred! The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?", -"Yo momma so fat, when she get in the elevator, u know, its Goin Down! ", -"President Musharraf went to the US had a meeting with President Bush. Bush said, I want to show you the advancement in technology in USA. Come with me.Bush takes him in a deep forest and says, Dig the ground.Musharraf digs.Bush says, More, more, more...Musharraf has now reached 100 feet.Bush says, So now, did you find anything?Musharraf, I got a wire!Bush says, You see, it shows that even 200 years ago we used to have telephones!Musharraf was very frustrated and he invited Bush to Pakistan. In Pakistan Musharraf says, Now I want to show you the advancement in Pakistan!He takes Bush to a forest and asks him to dig.After some time Musharraf says, More. ... More... more!Bush has now reached almost 400 feet.Musharraf says, Find anything?Bush tries but finds nothing, Nothing here!Musharraf says, You see! 400 years ago we had WIRELESS telephones!", -"Something to text to your friendzThe police found a body with no brain, fucked up teeth, a small dick, and a swollen assholeJust called to make sure you are okay I was worried", -What happens when a lion roars?Tom n Jerry starts!, -"A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six- year-old son, Johnny, and said, Would you like to say the blessing?I wouldn't know what to say, Little Johnny replied.Just say what you hear Mommy say, the mother said.Little Johnny bowed his head and said, Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?", -"Little Johnny's JokeLittle Johnny was sitting on his backyard swing set with some of his sixth grade schoolmates one Saturday when they started to tell some jokes to each other.Little Susie started off by saying, Knock, knock?Everyone answered, Who's there?Susie says, Boo!Everyone replied, Boo who?To which Susie said, Why are you all crying? and everyone broke out laughing.At this point, Little Johnny got up and started into his joke, Hey, did you all hear about the prostitute who got fingered by Captain Hook?Immediately, Little Johnny's mother, who was nearby watering the roses and had heard Little Johnny start off, came rushing over and shouted, Alright Little Johnny! That's enough! In fact, all of you kids can go home now. Leave, please.The following Saturday, Little Johnny again invited his friends over, this time to play some video games. During a lull in the action, Little Johnny said to everyone, You know, there's a rumour going around that a bus load of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska. And they say...This time again, Little Johnny's mother was in the kitchen and came stomping in after having heard him. She said demandingly as she gathered his friends together and shuffled them towards the door, Okay kids, it's getting late. All of you will have to leave now.Little Johnny was puzzled and yelled back at them, Hey! Hold on, hold on! There's still plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!", -"One day, Little Johnny's teacher asked the class Children, who can answer this question, please raise your hand!Mention things you can suck!Ice cream, mam! Little Jane answered.Good, Jane. the teacher said, Anyone else?It's a lollipop! said Little Steven.Very good, now it's your turn Johnny! the teacher said.Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, I think it's lamp!The teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny's answer. The teacher asked him, Johnny, how do you think we can suck lamp?Well, last night when I passed my parents' bedroom, Little Johnny said, I heard my mom said, please turn off the lamp, honey, and let me suck it!", -"Alligator One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water? Grandma asked him.I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma exclaimed Johnny. There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!Well, Grandma, replied Johnny, if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!", -"Baby Brother Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, Where'd we get him?His mother says, Heaven, Johnny.Johnny says, Geez, I can see why they threw him out.", -"Baked Beans One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?Jane replied, Nothing new, why do you ask?Well, said Mary, this morning I bent over to feed the cat and shot the canary.", -"Blood Circulation A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.Yes, sir, the boys said.Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?Little Johnny shouted, 'Cause yer feet ain't empty.", -I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves., -"Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed. Ted, you look awful. What's wrong? Harry asks. Ted says, Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien? Everyone is shocked. I heard about this kind of thing happening! Bill says. What did the alien do to you? I don't remember all the details, Ted says. All I remember is being anally probed by the alien. Everyone is horrified. I heard that they'll do that! Steve says. What did the alien look like? Ted responds, Bill.", -What's the most dangerous insect?The hepatitis bee., -"The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer, so the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.I'll tell you why, shouted Deacon Brown. Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register.Well, interrupted the dealer, didn't you receive them?Oh, we received them all right, replied Deacon Brown.However, you sent us golf pencils; each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'", -"Ahmed was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Tauseef Khan. As Tauseef stood beside the bed, Ahmed's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Tauseef lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Ahmed used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note, then died.Tauseef thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Tauseef was visting Ahmed's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Ahmed died.You know, he said, Ahmed handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing him, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all. He unfolded the note and read aloud, You're - standing - on - my - oxygen - tube!", -"How to identify a dumb guy.You should be sure the person is a dum guy when he: Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to make up his mind. Gets stabbed in a shoot-out. Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it. Tries to drown a fish in water. Thinks socialism means partying. Trips over a cordless phone. Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept. At the bottom of the application where it says Sign Here he puts Sagittarius. Studies for a blood test and fails. Sells the car for gas money. Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead. Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, Airport left, he turns around and goes home. Gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.", -Then there was the dyslexic robber who held up the bank with a gnu., -How do you confuse a frog?Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner.How does a frog confuse you?When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better!, -"There was this really annoying elephant named Izzy who loved to brag.One day she went up to a camel, Mell, and said, I am the most beautiful animal you'll ever see!!Mell looked at her like she was crazy and said no you're not!Izzy said, Well, I look better than you because I don't have two boobs on my back!Mell replied, True, very true. But at least I don't have a dick on my face.", -What is the difference between you and a ho?The ho is smarter., -"A preacher, who shall we say, was humor impaired, attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit, and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife! The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, And that woman was my mother! - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.Getting to the microphone he said loudly, The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of woman that was not my wife! The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, ...and I can't remember who she was!", -"The following are actual questions written to pastors from children across the world.Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, RaleighDear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments, but I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South PasadenaDear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, TitusvilleDear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, SalinaDear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, AkronDear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston", -"Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven some day because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, ChicagoDear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. TacomaDear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, SarasotaDear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York CityDear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens", -"Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, PhoenixDear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermo", -"Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?Samson. He brought the house down.Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.What is the best way to get to Paradise?Turn right and go straight.Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.", -"You're in incredible shape, the doctor said. How old are you again?I am 78, said the man.78! remarked the doctor. How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old.Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down, the man explained.What does that have to do with it? asked the doctor.I've pretty much lived an outdoor life.", -"It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.It's been proven that people can lessen reactions to allergies by laughing.Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system.Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day.Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.In the middle ages, people would pin the name of their sweetheart to their sleeve on Valentine's Day and keep it there for a week, hence 'wearing their heart on their sleeve'.It was during the Victorian era that the formerly nude Cupid was redesigned as wearing a skirt.The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet!!February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.Tomato Ketchup was once used as medicine in the United States. Was sold as Dr.Miles Compound Extract of TomatoWhen you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns redDating back to the 1600's, thermometers were filled with Brandy instead of mercuryThe quartz crystal in your wristwatch vibrates 32,768 times a secondAn earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards.Shoe sizes were standardized in Britain in 1885The average person's eyes will be closed about 30 minutes a day due to blinking.Women blink nearly twice as much as men.Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die.There are at least 40 known carcinogens in cigarettes.The earliest British expeditions tackling Everest wore tweed jackets, woolen underwear, and leather boots.The amniotic fluid that surrounds a baby in the womb is completely replaced every three hours.During World War II, twice as many fighter pilots were killed during training than combat", -"During World War II, twice as many fighter pilots were killed during training than combatIn 1962 an outbreak of contagious laughter in Tanganyika lasted for six months and caused schools to be closedA nautical mile measures 6,080 feet while a land or statute mile is 5,280 feetNo one can drown in the Dead Sea. It is 25 percent salt, which makes the water very heavyPlants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold waterEarth's oceans contain 7 1/2 million tons of gold, dissolved in the waterChildren who are breastfed tend to have an I.Q. seven points higher than children who are not.The bird flu virus could evolve into a form that is easily spread between people, resulting in a highly contagious and lethal disease.The Chinese, in olden days, used marijuana only as a remedy for dysentery.If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowersHeroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.Communications giant Nokia was founded in 1865 as a wood-pulp mill by Fredrik Idestam.Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.", -"Astronauts can't belch- there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.The night of January 20 is Saint Agnes's Eve, which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.There are over 25 million bubbles waiting to burst out of each bottle of ChampagneGoogle is actually the common name for a number with a million zerosIt takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!The heat of peppers is rated on the Scoville scaleGold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of yearsYour tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one endIf you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.When it originally appeared in 1886 - Coca Cola was billed as an Esteemed Brain Tonic and Intellectual Beverage.", -"Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numeralsKites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.The song, Auld Lang Syne is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.For every real Christmas tree harvested, two to three seedlings are planted in its place.Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percentPeanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450FThe Shell Oil Company originally began as a novelty shop in London that sold seashellsThe roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.Nine out of every 10 living things live in the oceanThe banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of manAirports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air densityFish and Chip selling officially remained an offensive trade until 1940 due to the smell it producesThe University of Alaska spans four time zonesThe tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.", -"1In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.2Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.3Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.4It cost the soft drink industry $100 million a year for thefts committed involving vending machines.5The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.6The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.7Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.8Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left.9Mickey Mouse is known as Topolino in Italy.10Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.11The painting that won second place in a competition held by the US National Academy of Design was hanging upside down when it was judged.12Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.13For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.14The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.15Snake venom is ninety percent protein.", -"In 1875 the director of the US patent office resigned. He said that there was nothing left to inventThe Channel between England and France grows about 300 millimeters each yearThe average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angleOffered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own nameOn average, a person has two million sweat glandsGrapes explode when you put them in the microwave.Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples97% of the earth's water is undrinkableThe Earth gets heavier each day by tons, as meteoric dust settles on itAll babies are color blind when they are bornBabies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old14 million people were killed in World War I, 20 million died in flu epidemic in the years that followedThere are more than 40,000 characters in the Chinese scriptVision requires more brain power than the other four sensesOn average, men are 40% muscle and 15% fat; women are 23% muscle and 25% fatThere are no public toilets in PeruUrine and tears have the same basic ingredientsThe reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been digested by a bee.", -"1Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.2Historically, a blue ribbon has been awarded for first prize.3The motto of M-G-M movie studios is Art for Art's Sake.4The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney.5It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it.6The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.7The Mercedes-Benz motto is 'Das Beste oder Nichts' meaning 'the best or nothing'.8The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones.9There are more Rolls Royce cars in Hong Kong than anywhere else in the world.10X-ray technology has shown there are 3 different versions of the Mona Lisa under the visible one.11The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.12It takes only about 8 minutes for the Space Shuttle to accelerate to a speed of more than 27,359 km/hour.12Hydroponics is the technique by which plants are grown in water without soil.14Time magazine named the computer its Man of the Year in 1982.15Chewing on gum while cutting onions can help a person from producing tears.", -"Your left lung is smaller in size than your right lung, it is like that in order to make room for your heart.Until babies are six months old, they can breathe and swallow at the same timeMale human brains are about 10 percent heavier than female brainsBefore 1800 there were no separately designed shoes for right and left feetThe glossy look to lipstick comes from fish scales, which are iridescentTo find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripeHoney is used as a center for golf balls and in antifreeze mixturesThe original name for the butterfly was 'flutterby'Your body weight is lower at 9 A.M. than at any other time of the dayThe average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy MealsWithout any greenhouse effect, Earth would be cold and lifeless with an average temp of 0.4FThe primary purpose of growing rice in flooded paddies is to drown the weeds surrounding the young seedlings. Rice can, in fact, be grown in drained areasNot a single new livestock animal has been domesticated in the last 4,000 yearsBone China is so called because powdered animal bone is mixed with the clay to give it translucency and whiteness", -"The original reason for tablecloths was as a towel to wipe one's fingers and hands on after eatingMount Everest moves approximately 2.4 inches in a Northeasterly direction every yearMickey Mouse has four fingers on each handThe bark of a redwood tree is fireproof. Fires that occur in a redwood forest take place inside the treesThe storage capacity of human brain exceeds four Terra bytesThere are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bunBecause of the rotation of the earth, an object can be thrown farther if it is thrown westIn 2001, the five most valuable brand names in order were Coca-Cola, Microsoft, IBM, GE, and NokiaAfter the Popeye comic strip started in 1931, spinach consumption went up by 33 percent in the USA rainbow can only occur when the sun is 40 degrees or less above the horizonAt 40 Centigrade a person loses about 14.4 calories per hour by breathingMost gemstones contain several elements. Except the diamond it's all carbonOnions help reduce cholesterol if eaten after a fatty mealIt has been calculated that in the last 3,500 years, there have only been 230 years of peace throughout the civilized worldFeb 1865 and Feb 1999 are the only months in recorded history not to have a full moon", -"A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there, two nuns look at him and he says, Good morning, Sisters, and they reply, You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.This stuns the priest, who thought he had been very polite, but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, Good morning, Brother. The Brother replies, You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. The priest was very confused at this and goes on.He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, Good morning, Father. The priest replies, You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dining hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, Father ... The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, No, I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. The bishop looks at him stunned and says, What? The priest realised his mistake and said, I am sorry, your holiness, what is it you want? The bishop looks at him and says, I was only going to ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?", -Yo momma is so fat when she got into the UPS truck they had to change the name to DOWNS, -"A drunk lay slumped outside a bar, in serious need of a drink.A passing priest and bishop started to lecture him on the evils of alcohol.You should be more like God, like me, said one.The other argued, No, my son, more like me. I am more like God.The two holy men then argued over which was more like God.Finally, the drunk interrupted. I'm more like God than either of you arguing hypocrites, and if you give me ten bucks, I'll prove it!They accepted his challenge and each handed him five dollars. As the drunk stood, he said, You two go sit in the bar and when I enter you'll have your proof. The bishop entered first and the barkeep said, Good afternoon, Bishop, what'll you have? Then the priest entered and the barkeep said, Good afternoon, Father, what'll you have?Finally, the drunk came in waving his ten dollars.The bartender shrugged, Oh, God, not you again!", -What breaks up a redneck orgy?When mom and dad/uncle arrive home too soon., -"Mr.Watt rang the phone at the residence of Mr.Knott.Who's calling? asked Knott.Watt.What is your name, please?Watt's my name.That's what I asked you. What's your name?That's what I told you. Watt's my name.A long pause, and then from Watt, Is this James Brown?No, this is Knott.Please tell me your name.Will Knott.YOU LEFT THE TALKERS AT A POINT WHERE THEY WERE TOTALLY CONFUSED.READ THE REST OF WHAT HAPPENED...Why not?Huh? What do you mean why not?Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?But I told you my name!Didn't you say you will not?Not not, knott, Will Knott!That's what I mean.So you know my name.Of course not!Good. So now, what is yours?Watt. Yours?Your name!Watt's my name.How the hell do I know? I am asking you!Look I have been very patient and I have told you my name and you have not even told me yours yet.You have been patient, what about me?I have told you my name so many times and it is you who have not told me yours yet.Of course not!See, you even know my name!Of course not!Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?Because I don't.What is your name?See, you know my name!Of course not!Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?To find out your name!But you already know it!What?See, but you know mine!Of course not!Exactly!NOW THEY ARE AT A POINT WHERE BOTH THINK THE OTHER KNOWS THEIRNAME,BUT THEY THEMSELVES DON'T KNOW THE OTHER'S NAME.Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name is, what will beyour answer?Watt's my name.No, no, give me only one word.WattYour name!Right!Oh, Wright!Yeah!So why didn't you say it before?I told you so many times!You never said Wright beforeOf course I did.Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?I do not.Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.I do not!Good!", -"At dawn the telephone rings.Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretakerAh yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot diedMy parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?That's the one.Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?From eating rotten meat.Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses.Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart.Are you insane? What water cart?The one we used to put out the fire.Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire.What the...! But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?For the funeral.WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her.", -"Man jokez..n a boy joke..A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the things of life, and his own personal problems. He couldn't find the answers so he sought help from God.God, God, you there God? he asked.Yes, what is it my son? God answered.I have a few questions; mind if I ask? the man said.Go ahead, my son, anything.God, what is a million years to you?God answered, A million years to me is only a secondThe the man asked again, God, what is a million dollars worth to you?God replied, A million dollars to me is worth only a penny.The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. God, can I have a penny?God answered, Sure, in a second. A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. And that's how you built an empire? the boy asked. Heavens, no! the man replied. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars. Dave won $1,000 from a Microsoft XBOX competition. When they asked what will he do with the money, he said I'm buying Playstation 3!", -"An Imam was selling his horse in the market. An interested buyer came to him and requested if he could get a test drive. The Imam told the man that this horse is unique. In order to make it walk, you have to say Subhanallah. To make it run, you have to say Alhamdulillah and to make it stop, you have to say Allahu Akbar. The man sat on the horse and said Subhanallah. The horse started to walk. Then he said Alhamdulillah and it started to run. He kept saying Alhamdulillah and the horse started running faster and faster. All of a sudden the man noticed that the horse is running towards the edge of the hill that he was riding on. Being overly fearful, he forgot how to stop the horse. He kept saying all these words out of confusion. When the horse was just near the edge, he remembered Allahu Akbar and said it out loud. The horse stopped just one step away from the edge. The man took a deep breath, looked up towards the sky and said Alhamdulillah! In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.", -"In Year 19811. Prince Charles got married2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe3. Australia lost the Ashes4. Pope DiedIn Year 20051. Prince Charles got married 2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe3. Australia lost the Ashes 4. Pope Died Moral of the story -In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry....Please warn the Pope", -"The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly. On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, Have the tranquilizers calmed you down? Yes, the boy's mother answered. And how is your son now? the psychiatrist asked. Who cares? the mother replied.", -"THIS WAS REAL!My brother and his friend went out to eat at a restaurant. The restaurant was packed so they had to wait. The waitress then asked them for a name so she could call them when their table was ready. My brother's friend decided to give her a fake name.So then my brother and his friend were waiting. When it they were finally called, this is what could be heard throughout the whole entire restaurant,Balz, party of two!", -You might be a redneck if you carry more than two extra tires in the back of your truck., -You might be a redneck if you were married in a laundromat., -You might be a redneck if you eat cotton candy more than three times a week., -You might be a redneck if the only thing you inherited from your father was alcoholism., -You might be a redneck if both you and your wife wore ponytails on your wedding day., -You might be a redneck if there is a four-wheeler parked in your bedroom., -You might be a redneck if you think that home security means taking the front steps to your trailer with you when you leave the house., -You might be a redneck if your bar tab has page numbers., -You might be a redneck if you constantly call the feed and seed store to see if the cat has had her kittens yet., -"You might be a redneck if your father-in-law said that you had no class, so you spit at him.", -"01The first Prime minister of Bangladesh was Mujibur Rehman02The longest river in the world is the Nile03The longest highway in the world is the Trans-Canada04The longest highway in the world has a length of about 8000 km05The highest mountain in the world is the Everest06The country that accounts for nearly one third of the total teak production of the world is Myanmar07The biggest desert in the world is the Sahara desert08The largest coffee growing country in the world is Brazil09The country also known as Country of Copper is Zambia10The name given to the border which separates Pakistan and Afghanistan is the Durand line11The river Volga flows out into the Caspian sea12The coldest place on the earth is Verkoyansk in Siberia13The country which ranks second in terms of land area isCanada14The largest island in the Mediterranean sea is Sicily15The river Jordan flows into the Dead Sea16The biggest delta in the world is the Sunderbans17The capital city that stands on the river Danube is Belgrade18The Japanese call their country Nippon19The length of the English Channel is 564 kilometres20The world's oldest known city is Damascus21The city which is also known as the City of Canals is Venice22The country in which river Wangchu flows is Myanmar23The biggest island of the world is Greenland24The city which is the biggest centre for the manufacture of automobiles in the world is Detroit,USA25The country which is the largest producer of manganese in the world is USA26The country which is the largest producer of rubber in the world is Malaysia27The country which is the largest producer of tin in the world is Malaysia28The river which the carries maximum quantity of water into the sea is the Mississippi29The city which was once called the 'Forbidden City' wasPeking", -"30The country called the Land of Rising Sun is Japan31Mount Everest was named after Sir George Everest32The volcano Vesuvias is located in Italy33The country known as the Suger Bowl of the world is Cuba34The length of the Suez Canal is 162.5 kilometres35The lowest point on earth is the coastal area of Dead Sea36The Gurkhas are the original inhabitants of Nepal37The largest ocean of the world is the Pacific ocean38The largest bell in the world is the Tsar Kolkol at Kremlin, Moscow39The biggest stadium in the world is the Strahov Stadium, Prague40The world's largest diamond producing country is South Africa41Australia was discovered by James Cook42The first Governor General of Pakistan is Mohammed Ali Jinnah43Dublin is situated at the mouth of River Liffey44The earlier name of New York city was New Amsterdam45The Eiffel tower was built by Alexander Eiffel46The Red Cross was founded by Jean Henri Durant47The country which has the greatest population density isMonaco48The national flower of Britain is the rose49Niagara Falls was discovered by Louis Hennepin50The national flower of Italy is lily51The national flower of China is narcissus52The permanent secretariat of the SAARC is located atKathmandu53The gateway to the Gulf of Iran is Strait of Hormuz54The first Industrial Revolution took place in England55World Environment Day is observed on 5th June56The first Republican President President of America wasAbraham Lincoln57The country famous for the Samba dance is Brazil58The name of Alexander's horse was Beucephalus59Singapore was founded by Sir Thomas Stamford Raffles", -60The famous British one-eyed Admiral was Nelson61The earlier name of Sri Lanka was Ceylon62The UNO was formed in the year 194563UNO stands for United Nations Organisation64The independence day of South Korea is celebrated on 15th August65`Last Judgement'was the first painting of an Italian painter named Michelangelo66'Paradise Regained' was written by John Milton67The first President of Egypt was Mohammed Nequib68The first man to reach North Pole was Rear Admiral Peary69The most famous painting of Pablo Picasso was Guernica70The primary producer of newsprint in the world is Canada71The first explorer to reach the South Pole was Cap. Ronald Amundson72The person who is called the father of modern Italy is Giuseppe Garibaldi73World literacy day is celebrated on 8th September74The founder of modern Germany is Bismarck75The country known as the land of the midnight sun is Norway76The place known as the Roof of the World is Tibet77The founder of the Chinese Republic was San Yat Sen78The first Pakistani to receive the Nobel Prize was Abdul Salam79The first woman Prime Minister of Britain was Margaret Thatcher, -"80The first Secretary General of the UNO was Trygve Lie81The sculptor of the statue of Liberty was Federick Auguste Bartholdi82The port of Banku is situated in Azerbaijan83John F.Kennedy was assassinated by Lee Harry Oswald84The largest river in France is Loire85The Queen of England who married her brother-in-law wasCatherine of Aragon86The first negro to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize wasRalph Johnson Bunche87The first British University to admit women for degree courses was London University88The principal export of Jamaica is sugar89New York is popularly known as the City of Skyscrapers90Madagascar is popularly known as the Island of Cloves91The country known as the Land of White Elephant is Thailand92The country known as the Land of Morning Calm is Korea93The country known as the Land of Thunderbolts is Bhutan94The highest waterfalls in the world is the Salto Angel Falls, Venezuela95The largest library in the world is the United States Library of Congress, Washington DC96The largest museum in the world is the American Museum of Natural History97The lowest mountain range in the world is Bhieuna Bhaile98The country known as the Land of Cakes is Scotland99The place known as the Garden of England is Kent100The tallest tower in the world is the C. N. Tower, Toronto, Canada101The country famous for its fish catch is Japan102The old name of Taiwan was Formosa103Montreal is situated on the bank of river Ottawa104The city of Bonn is situated in Germany105The literal meaning of Renaissance is Revival106Julius Caesar was killed by Brutus107The title of Desert Fox was given to Field Marshal Erwin Rommel108The largest airport in the world is the King Khalid Int. Airport, Saudi Arabia109The city in Russia which faced an earthquake in the year 1998 was Armenia", -"110The largest bay in the world is Hudson Bay, Canada111The largest church in the world is Bascilica of St.Peter, Vatican City, Rome112The largest peninsula in the world is Arabia113The largest gulf in the world is Gulf of Mexico114The tallest statue in the world is the Motherland, Volgograd, Russia115The largest railway tunnel in the world is the Oshimzu Tunnel, Japan116The world's loneliest island is the Tristan da Cunha117The word 'Quiz' was coined by Jim Daly, Irishman118The original meaning of 'Quiz' was Trick119The busiest shopping centre of London is Oxford Street120The residence of the Queen in London is Buckingham Palace121Adolf Hitler was born in Austria122The country whose National Anthem has only music but no words is Bahrain123The largest cinema in the world is the Fox Theatre, Detroit, USA124The country where there are no cinema theatres is Saudi Arabia125The world's tallest office building is the Sears Tower, Chicago126In the year 1811, Paraguay became independent from Spain127The cross word puzzle was invented by Arthur Wynney128The city which was the capital of the ancient Persian Empire was Persepolis129WHO stands for World Health Organisation130WHO is located at Geneva131FAO stands for Food and Agriculture Organisation132FAO is located at Rome and London133UNIDO stands for United Nations Industrial Development Organisation134UNIDO is located at Vienna135WMO stands for World Meteorological Organisation136WMO is located at Geneva137International Civil Aviation Organisation is located atMontreal 138The Angel Falls is located in Venezuela139The Victoria Falls is located in Rhodesia", -"140Ice Cream was discovered by Gerald Tisyum141The number regarded as lucky number in Italy is thirteen142Napoleon suffered from alurophobia which means fear of cats143The aeroplanes was used in war for the first time by Italians 144Slavery in America was abolished by Abraham Lincoln145The Headquarters of textile manufacturing in England isManchester146The famous island located at the mouth of the Hudson river is Manhattan147The founder of plastic industry was Leo Hendrik Bakeland148The country where military service is compulsory for women is Israel149The country which has more than 10,000 golf courses isUSA150The famous painting 'Mona Lisa' is displayed at Louvre Museum, Paris151The earlier name for tomato was love apple152The first President of USA was George Washington153The famous words 'Veni Vidi Vici' were said by Julius Caesar154The practice of sterilization of surgical instruments was introduced by Joseph Lister155The number of countries which participated in the first Olympic Games held at Athens was nine156Mercury is also known as quicksilver157Disneyland is located in California, USA158The country which built the first powerful long range rockets is Germany159The sewing machine was invented by Isaac M. Singer160The adding machine was invented by Aldrin161The national emblem of Spain is the eagle162Archimedes was born in Sicily163The total area of Vatican city is 0.272 Sq.kms164The largest temple in the world is Angkorwat in Kampuchea165The largest dome in the world is Louisiana Superdome, New Orleans, USA166The largest strait in the world is Tartar Strait167The Mohenjodaro ruins are found in Larkand District of Sind, Pakistan168The largest city of Africa is Cairo169The founder of KODAK Company was Eastman", -"170The Cape of Good Hope is located in South Africa171Heathrow Airport is located in London172The neon lamp was invented by Georges Claude173The last letter of the Greek alphabet is Omega174The place known as the land of Lincoln is Illinois175The US state Utah is also known as the Beehive state176The Kalahari desert is located in Africa177The Pentagonian desert is located in Argentina178The person known as the father of aeronautics is Sir George Cayley179The most densely populated Island in the world is Honshu180The two nations Haiti and the Dominion Republic together form the Island of Hispaniola181The largest auto producer in the USA is General Motors182The largest auto producing nation is Japan183The famous General Motors company was founded by William Durant184The country that brings out the FIAT is Italy185The first actor to win an Oscar was Emil Jannings186The first animated colour cartoon of full feature length was Snow White and Seven Dwarfs187The first demonstration of a motion picture was held at Paris188The first country to issue stamps was Britain189The actor who is considered as the biggest cowboy star of the silent movies is Tom Mix190The Pentagon is located at Washington DC191The world's largest car manufacturing company is General Motors, USA192The world's biggest manufacturer of bicycles is Hero cycles, Ludhiana193The world's oldest underground railway is at London194The White House was painted white to hide fire damage195The largest oil producing nation in Africa is Nigeria196The longest river in Russia is Ob-Irtysh197The first Emperor of Germany was Wilhelm198The last French monarch was Louis Napoleon III199History is Bunk was said by Henry Ford", -"200The term 'astrology' literally means Star Speech201Togo is situated in Africa202Coal is also known as Black Diamond203The first boxer to win 3 gold medals in Olympics was Laszlo Papp204The first ruler who started war games for his soldiers was Genghis Khan205The first cross word puzzle in the world was published in 1924 by London Sunday Express206The lightest known metal is Lithium207The Atacama Desert is located in North Chile208The oil used to preserve timber is creosote oil209The founder of USA was George Washington210The first talkie feature film in USA was The Jazz Singer211The chemical name of laughing gas is Nitrous Oxide212The US state Mississipi is also known as Tar Heel State213The US state Indiana is also known as Volunteer State214The US state Missouri is also known as Hoosier State215The US state West Virginia is also known as the Bluegrass State216The US state known as 'Green Mountain State' is Vermont217The US state known as 'Keystone State' is Pennsylvania218The US state known as 'Natural State' is Arkansas219The popular detective character created by Agatha Christie is Hercule Poirot220The Pakistani President who died in an aircrash was Zia-ul-Huq221Yoghurt means fermented milk222Yankee is the nickname of American223The International court of Justice is located in the Hague, Holland224The headquarters of World Bank is located at Washington DC225Victoria Falls was discovered by David Livingstone226The technique to produce the first test tube baby was evolved by Patrick Stepote and Robert Edwards227The oldest residential university of Britain is the Oxford University228The name of the large clock on the tower of the Houses of Parliament in London is called Big Ben229Prado museum is located in Madrid", -230The number of keys in an ordinary piano is eighty eight231'Man is a Tool Making Animal' was said by Benjamin Franklin232The term 'anesthesia' was coined by Oliver Wendell Holmes233The first man to reach Antartica was Fabian Gottlieb234The Kilimanjaro volcano is situated in Tanzania235The invention that is considered to have built America is dynamite, -Game Set Match TennisSet Match Run Arson, -"Yo momma so fat that when someone asked her for her weight, he replied with, I asked for your weight, not your phone number.", -"If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.They're trained for that.", -"Dolphins sleep with one eye open. Bulls are color blind. A cow's only sweat glands are in its nose. Mosquitoes have 47 teeth. The Poison Arrow frog has enough poison to kill 2,200 people. Emus can't walk backwards. A group of unicorns is called a blessing. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. A group of owls is called a parliament. A group of ravens is called a murder. A group of bears is called a sleuth. Twelve or more cows is called a flink. A baby oyster is called a spat. Some fleas have split penises like a Y shape An elephant can be pregnant for up to 2 years Chickens can't swallow while they are upside down. The average garden-variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head. A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds. A mule won't sink in quicksand but a donkey will. More people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes. Animal breeders in Russia once claimed to have bred sheep with blue wool. Penguins are the only bird that can leap into the air like porpoises. India has 50 million monkeys. By some unknown means, an iguana can end its own life. Americans spend around $3 billion for cat and dog food a year. Pigs can cover a mile in 7.5 minutes when running at top speed. The shell constitutes 12 percent of an egg's weight. A squid has 10 tentacles. A snail's reproductive organs are in its head. When a horned toad is angry, it squirts blood from its eyes. The typical hen lays 19 dozen eggs a year. The ostrich has a 46-foot long small intestine. A scallop has 35 blue eyes. A swan is the only bird with a penis The left leg of a chicken in more tender than the right one. The only dog that doesn't have a pink tongue is the chow. Dogs and humans are the only animals with prostates. The giraffe has the highest blood pressure of any animal. Zebras can't see the color orange. There are more insects in ten square feet of a rain forest than there are people in Manhattan. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not down", -"IN 24 HOURS AVERAGE HUMAN1) HEART beats 103,689 times.2) LUNGS respire 23,045 times.3) BLOOD flows 1,680,000 miles.4) NAILS grow 0.00007 inches.5) HAIR grows 0.01715 inches.6) Take 2.9 pounds WATER 7) Take of 3.25 pounds FOOD.8) Breathes 438 cubic feet AIR.9) Lose 85.60 BODY TEMPERATURE.10) Produce 1.43 pints of SWEAT.11) Speak 4,800 WORDS.12) During SLEEP move 25.4 times.", -"Until babies are six months old, they can breathe and swallow at the same time. Indeed convenient! Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name. Male mosquitoes are vegetarians. Only females bite. The average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle. To find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripe. Canadians can send letters with personalized postage stamps showing their own photos on each stamp. Babies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old. It snowed in the Sahara Desert in February of 1979. Plants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold water. Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave. Those stars and colors you see when you rub your eyes are called phosphenes. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.Contrary to popular belief, a swallowed chewing gum doesn't stay in the gut. It will pass through the system and be excreted. At 40 Centigrade a person loses about 14.4 calories per hour by breathing. There is a hotel in Sweden built entirely out of ice; it is rebuilt every year. Cats, camels and giraffes are the only animals in the world that walk right foot, right foot, left foot, left foot, rather than right foot, left foot. Onions help reduce cholesterol if eaten after a fatty meal. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.", -"Pigs are the fourth most intelligent animal in the world.Pig's Tongue contains 15,000 taste buds. For comparison, the human tongue has 9,000 taste budsDinosaurs didn't eat grass? There was no grass in the days of the dinosaurs.A crocodile's tongue is attached to the roof of its mouth? It cannot move. It cannot chew but its Digestive juices are so strong that it can digest a steel nail, Glass pieces, etcSharks are immune to disease i.e they do not suffer from any Disease.Animals are either right- or left-handed? Polar bears are always left-handed, and so is Kermit the Frog.Ants don't sleep.The eyes of the chameleon can move independently can see in two different directions at the same time. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.The highest kangaroo leap recorded is 10 ft and the longest is 42 ftAlong with its length neck, the giraffe has a very long tongue -- more than a foot and a half long. A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue", -" 16 Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a fifty thousand-word novel, Gadsby, without any word containing the letter e. 17 In a year, the average person walks four miles to make his or her bed. 18 In the first century, people used to drink goats milk to sweeten their breath. 19 In many of the milk ads that are shown, a mix of thinner and white paint is used instead of milk. 20 It is possible to get high by licking a toad. The Cane Toad produces a toxin called bufotenine to ward off predators. It acts as a hallucinogen. 21 In Las Vegas, casinos do not have any clocks. 22 There is a restaurant in Stockholm that only offers all-garlic products. They even have a garlic cheesecake. 23 Following directions off the Internet and chemicals obtained from a mail order company, a team of U.S. scientists created an identical copy of the polio virus. 24 The world's tallest free fall roller coaster is The Giant Drop located in Australia. The drops is 120 meters which is equivalent to a 39 storey building. 25 In Hong Kong, delivery times are primarily influenced by traffic conditions on elevators. It often takes drivers longer to travel vertically than horizontally, as access to elevators is so congested during high peak hours. This is due to the volume of people residing in high rises. 26 In Johannesburg, the average car will be involved in an accident once every four years. 27 The first Olympic games only had one event - a foot race. 28 The term The Big Apple was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930s who used the slang expression apple for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple. 29 The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the General Purpose vehicle, G.P. 30 Coca-Cola was originally green.", -" 31 Canola oil is actually rapeseed oil but the name was changed in Canada for marketing reasons. 32 The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA. 33 The phrase rule of thumb is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb 34 1 in 2000 babies are born with a tooth that is already visible. 35 The straw was probably invented by Egyptian brewers to taste in-process beer without removing the fermenting ingredients which floated on the top. 36 The New York Stock Exchange started out as a coffee house. 37 Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down hence the expression to get fired. 38 In Chinese, the words for crisis and opportunity are the same. 39 It's possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs. 40 There are more bacteria in your mouth than there are people in the world. 41 Cow is a Japanese brand of shaving foam. 42 The Food and Drug Administration says the most common injury from cosmetics comes from scratching the eye with a mascara wand. 43 King George could not speak English! 44 Midgets and dwarfs almost always have normal sized children. 45 Common pesticides such as roach, termite, and flea insecticide can be found in the bodies of majority of Americans. 46 Baskin Robbins once made ketchup ice cream. 47 It is illegal for tourists to enter Mexico with more than 20 CD's! 48 Women end up digesting most of the lipstick they apply. 49 The 'vintage date' on a bottle of wine indicates the year the grapes were picked, not the year of bottling! 50 There are only 14 blimps in the world. 51 If you put a raisin in a fresh glass of champagne, it will rise and fall continuously.", -How you get rid of grey hairs:1. Dye all your hair the color grey.2. Shave your head.3. Now you have no grey hairs., -"Yo Momma's so stupid, that I told her to do the robot, and damn! Now R2-D2 got AIDS!", -"Which dog doesn't have a tail?Hot dogs, of course.", -"Did You Know .... Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?It is called the anal optic nerve.It is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass, and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.", -"Penis breath, a lover's dread. Is what you get when you give head. Unpleasant as it tends to be. Be grateful that he doesn't pee. It's times like this you wonder why. You bother reaching for his fly. But it's too late, can't be a tease. Accept the facts, get on your knees. You know you've got a job to do. So open up and shove it through. Lick the tip then take it all. Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl. Slide up and down, use your tongue. And feel the precum start to run. So when the fuck's he gonna cum. Just when you can't take anymore. Your hear your lover's mighty roar. And when he hit's that real high note. You feel it oozing down your throat. Salty, fishy, sticky, nasty stuff. Okay already, that's enough. Let's switch you say, before you gag. And what's your revenge, you're on your rag.", -"Big Bad Wolf:The big bad wolf said to Little Red Riding Hood, unbutton your blouse and let me suck your tits. Fuck off, she replied as she tugged down her panties. Eat me, like the fuckin' book says.Pinocchio:Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. Every time we make love, I get splinters. So Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gepetto the Carpenter, for advice. Sandpaper, said the carpenter, that's what you need. Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. How are you getting along with the girls now? Who needs girls? replied Pinocchio.Cinderella:Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.First, you must wear a diaphragm.Cinderella agrees. What's the second condition?You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.Where have you been? demands the fairygodmother. Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!I met a prince, Fairy Godmother, and he took care of everything.I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other...Snow White Pinocchio:Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, Lie to me! Lie to me! Mickey Mouse:Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, You say here that your wife is crazy.Mickey replied, No I didn't, I said she is fucking Goofy. Big Bad Wolf 2:Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest and saw the wolf hiding in the grass.She said, What big ears you have, and he says, The better to hear you with, he runs off...Then she sees him hiding behind a tree, she says, What big eyes you have, The better to see you with, he says runs off... Then she sees him hiding behind a rock says, What big teeth you have, he says, Damnit, would you leave me alone? I'm trying to take a poop, damn little nosey brat.", -"A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining site at a campground.Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.Impressed, a nearby camper sauntered over and said to the youngsters' father, That, sir, is some display of teamwork.I have a system, the father replied. No one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.", -"A couple enjoyed getting away from their high-stress jobs by spending weekends in their motor home, but their peace and quiet was often disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers.Finally, they found a way to assure themselves privacy.They painted a sign near their RV's door:Ask us about our Whole Life policies!", -On the other hand you have five fingers., -"Some people have friends who are dwarfs, not me I have a friend who is a midget dwarf. He is the guy who poses for the sport trophys", -Women like silent men - they think they're listening., -"A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.Her mother told her this was wrong; she must say, I'm Jane Sugarbrown.The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?She replied, I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.", -"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.- Henny YoungmanMy wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.- Rodney DangerfieldA good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.- Milton BerleI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.- George BurnsWhat's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.- Cindy GarnerI bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There was water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.- Henny YoungmanNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.- Phyllis DillerThe secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.- Henny YoungmanPeople are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a for giving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.- Erma BombeckAt the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. The husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt.My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.", -And then there was the glass-blower who got hiccups and made 764 marbles., -"What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?A power failure.Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.What should you give a man who has everything?A woman to show him how to work it.How are husbands like lawn mowers?They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?Four guys watching a football game.How can you tell when a man is well hung?When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.What's the best way to force a man to do situps?Put the remote control between his toes.How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?Make him wear shoes.Why doesn't it matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss. Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis?They're stuck in adolescence. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?Two - if you slice them very thinly.Why can't men get mad cow disease?Because they are pigs.What do you call a handcuffed man?Trustworthy.How many men does it take to open a beer? None. The lady should already have it open on the table.What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.How does a man show he's planning for the future?He buys an extra case of beer.What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?The man.Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.Why do some men name their penis? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?Because not one will stop and ask for directions.What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?Telling you his real name.What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?Big Foot has been spotted several times.Why did God create man before woman?He didn't want any advice.Why did God create man before woman?Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born?To knock the penises off the smart ones.Why do little boys whine?Because they're practicing to be men.", -"If you think your life is bad, how would you like to be an egg? You get laid once in life, you only get eatten once in life, It takes 4 min to get hard, but only 2 min. to get soft, you share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother. Pass this to someone who needs a good lay, sorry I mean day.", -"Do you know what to say when someone is trying to roast you? Sorry, but my brain doesn't interpret stupid.", -"Once there was a woman taking a shower when she heard a knock on door. A voice called, It's me, the fireman.So the woman wrapped a towel around herself and went to the door. The fireman said, Congratulate me, I just put out a fire!So the woman congratulated him and went back to her shower. Then she heard another knock on her door and a voice called, It's me, the policeman.So the woman wrapped a towel around herself and went to the door. The policeman said, Congratulate me, I just caught a robber.So the woman congratulated him and went back to her shower. But before long she heard another knock on her door and a voice called, It's me, the blind man, so she didn't bother putting a towel around herself and answered the door where the blind man said, Congratulate me, I just got my eyesight back!", -"Yo Momma's so old, she babysat Yoda!!", -"Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.Oh really? Hmm, didn't know that.Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care. The second Englishman remarked, You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn. So the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!Oh really? Hmm, didn't know that.Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. You're right. He's unshakable!The third Englishman remarked, Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch. So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me.", -"Hey, everyone, listen up, your attention if you please. We wanna give you a warning, 'Cause I found out this morning,About a dangerous, insidious computer virus. If you should get it, an email with the subject, 'stinky cheese', Better off protecting your chances, Under no circumstances, should you open it, Or else it will... Translate your documents into Swahili, Make your TV record Gigli, Neuter your pets, and give you laundry static cling, Look out! It's gonna make your computer screen freeze, Look out! Erase the Easter eggs off your DVDs, Look out! Erase your hard drive and your backups too, And the hard drive of anyone related to you! Virus alert! Delete immediately before someone gets hurt! Forward this message on to everybody! Soon, very soon, it will make all the paint peel off your walls, It'll make your keyboard all sticky, Give your poodle a hickey, And invest your cash in stock in Euro Disney, Then, it will tie up your phone, making prank long-distance calls, It'll set your clocks back an hour and start clogging the shower, So just trash it now, or else it will... Decide to give you a permanent wedgie, Legally change your name to Reggie, Even mess up the pH balance in your pool! Look out! It's gonna melt your face right off your skull, Look out! And make your iPod only play Jethro Tull, Look out! And tell you knock-knock jokes while you're trying to sleep, Look out! And make you physically attracted to sheep, Look out! Steal your identity and your credit card, Look out! Buy you a warehouse full of pink leotards, Look out! Then cause a major rift in time and space, And leave a bunch of Twinkie wrappers all over the place, That's right it's a... Virus alert! Delete immediately before someone gets hurt! Forward this message on to everybody! Virus alert! Delete immediately before someone gets hurt! Forward this message on to everybody, Warn all your friends, send this to everybody, Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now! If you get infected, you'll wish you had never been born, So before it emails your grandmother all of your porn, Turn off your computer and make sure it powers down, Drop it in a forty-three-foot hole in the ground, Bury it completely; rocks and boulders should be fine, Then burn all the clothes you may have worn any time you were alive! Virus alert! Delete immediately before someone gets hurt! Forward this message on to everybody! Virus alert! Delete immediately before someone gets hurt! Forward this message on to everybody! Virus alert! Delete immediately before someone gets hurt! Forward this message on to everybody, Warn all your friends, send this to everybody, Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now, What are you waiting for? Just hurry up and forward this to every single person that you know! Hit send right now!", -"Uh huh ... extra cheeseUh huh, uh huh ... save a piece for mePizza party at your houseI went just to check it outNineteen extra largesWhat a shameNo one cameJust us eatin' all aloneYou said, Take the pizza homeNo sense lettin' all this go to wasteSo then I facedPizza all dayAnd every dayThis cheese 'round the clockIs gettin' me blockedAnd I sure don't careFor irregularityTell meWhy'd you have to go and make me so constipated?'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuatedIn the bathroom ... I sit and I wait and I strainAnd I sweat and I clench and I feel the painOh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated?No no noI was feelin' pretty down'Till my girlfriend came aroundWe're just so alike in every wayI gotta sayIn fact, I just thought I mightPop the question there that nightI was kissing her so tenderlyBut woe is meWho would have guessedHer family crestI'd suddely spyTattooed on her thighAnd son-of-a-gunIt's just like the one on meTell meHow was I supposed to know we were both related?Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have datedWhat to do now? Should I go ahead and proposeAnd get hitched and have kids with eleven toesAnd move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?No no no no no no noNo no no no no no noNo no no no I had so much on my mindI thought maybe I'd unwindTry out that new roller coaster rideAnd the guideSaid not to standBut that's a demandThat I couldn't meetI got on my feetAnd stood up insteadAnd knocked off my head, you seeTell meWhy'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?This really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate itSuch a drag, now ... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snoreI can't belch or yodel anymoreCan't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports IllustratedOh noWhy'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritatedWhat a bummerCan't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeezeBut my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze nowHaven't been the same since my head and I were separatedNo no no", -Little Tommy was telling his friend Billy all about his Christmas presents.My daddy bought me a mouth organ. It's the best present I've ever had.Why?Because my mummy gives me extra money every week if I don't play it., -"A group of young children was sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.Davy, what noise does a cow make?It goes moo.Alice, what noise does a cat make?It goes meow.Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?It goes baaa.Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?Errr..it goes.. click!", -"A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.And lead us not into temptation, she prayed, but deliver us some e-mail, Amen.", -"Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, Did God make you, Grandpa?Yes, God made me, the grandfather answered.A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, Did God make me, too?Yes, He did, the older man answered.For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.At last she spoke up. You know, Grandpa, she said, God's doing a lot better job lately.", -"In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3am one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon 658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20, 30, 40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding car.The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, Pull over! The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour.Who says Troopers don't have a sense of humor?", -"I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell, so I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that - and I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.Then, abou", -"During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn't figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with a digital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.A luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passer-by he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store... and called the police.", -"A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for a job... as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the man's fugitive status during a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead.A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard - which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years before, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.", -I invented a cure for amnesia - but I've forgotten what it is!, -"A man was lost for hours when he suddenly came up to a house. The man knocked on the door and asks to enter. The woman who owns the house asked, Who is it?The man answered, I and I King Silassi I Jah Rasta Fari.The lady replied, Go away, there are too many of you for me to let you in.", -Yo momma's so fat that her roller blades went flat., -Sorry I'm late... I had to walk down stairs... since yo momma took up the entire elevator and it broke., -"A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box of crabs.A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.Shortly before landing, she couldn't remember who gave her the package, so she announced to the entire cabin, Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney please raise your hand?Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself!", -"Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. The doctor asked, Where?Bubba said, Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?", -"1. Chuck Norris beat the brick wall in tennis.2. The boogy man does not wait for chuck norris, Chuck Norris waits for the boogy man.", -"One employee asked another, How long have you been working here?The second said, Ever since the boss threatened to fire me!", -"This is true! In a speech George W. Bush made in 2001 he concluded:But all in all, my wife and I have had a wonderful year!", -"I was recently riding with a friend of mine.We were coming to a red light, and he shoots right through it. I ask him, Why'd you do that? He tells me this is how his brother drives.We come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it. I ask him, Why'd you do that? Again, he tells me this is how his brother drives.We come to a green light, and he SLAMS on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shouted at him, Why do you do that?!He replied, You never know, my brother could be coming the other way.", -How do you get pikachu on a bus?You pokemon., -"Lou sat at the bar furiously pounding down shots of whiskey.His best friend, Jim, spotted him and said, Lou, what's going on? Are you okay? I've known you for fifteen years and I've never seen you drink like this before.Staring at his next filled shot glass, Lou replied, My wife just ran off with my best friend, and tossed that drink down, too.But I thought that I was your best friend? said Jim. Lou looked at Jim through bloodshot eyes and slurred, Not any more!", -"A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps,free medical care, and free education! The passerby says, You are mistaken, I am Mexican.The man goes on and encounters another passerby.Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America! The person says, I not American, I Vietnamese.The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, Thank you for the wonderful America! That person puts up his hand and says, I am from Middle East, I am not American!He finally sees a nice lady and asks, Are you anAmerican? She says, No, I am from Africa!Puzzled, he asks her, Where are all the Americans? The African lady checks her watch and says...Probably at work.", -"A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead . Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation,What can you learn from this demonstration? Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!", -What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig?Jurassic pork!, -"I was at my friends house and we were bragging about how little we can eat. My friend J.B sister said some times I don't eat all day. I asked her, oh you fast? Then she says, No, I'm actually pretty slow. Then her mom told her fasting is not eating for a long time. That is why breakfast is called breakfast, to break your fast and eat. Then his sister goes, How do you know?I busted a gut so bad. She should have been a blond.", -"A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.HIM I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today.HER But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear.HIM OK, darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news.HER Well, the air bag works.", -One man solved his problem of too many visiting relatives by borrowing money from the rich ones and loaning it to the poor ones., -What's the difference between the Library of Congress and the House of Representatives?In the Library of Congress you're not allowed to lick the pages!, -"A priest was assigned a small church in the Alaskan backwoods.After a couple of years, the bishop stopped by to see how he was doing.Ah, Bishop, it's really lonely here. I couldn't have made it without my Rosary and two martinis a day.The bishop replied, You know, a martini would taste good right now.The priest agreed and yelled into the kitchen, Hey, Rosary! Fix us a couple of martinis, will ya!?", -"A son asked his mother the following question:Mum, why are wedding dresses white?The mother replies,Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.Dad, why are wedding dresses white?The father says,Son, all household appliances come in white.", -"A teenage boy with spiked hair, a nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them.", -"Two fat men took part in a marathon.One ran in short bursts, and the other ran in burst shorts.", -A fat woman and a slim woman were both smoking cigarettes; which one finished hers first?The fat woman - she takes bigger draws., -"3 young boys were walking along a river bank when they saw a man drowning in the river. Together they manage to pull him out.When they pulled him out they notice that it is in fact George Bush, leader of the free world.George Bush says to the boys, Thank you oh so much! In return for you kindness, I will give each of you whatever you desire.He turns to the first boy, What would you like?The boy says, I'd like a bike, but not just any bike, a bike with all the whistles and gadgets it could possibly have!George Bush says, And you shall have it! He turns to the second boy, And what about you?The boy goes, I'd like a huge house for all 12 members of my family, a huge mansion in the country, with many bedrooms and many bathrooms!George Bush says, And so you shall! and finally the third boy, What do you require?The third boy goes, A state funeral.George Bush is slightly taken aback by this, But child, you are the farthest thing from dead, and funerals are just for the dead!Yeah, but when my dad finds out I rescued George Bush from drowning he's gonna kill me...", -"Don't think of yourself as a zero,think of yourself as the number below one.", -"The policeman stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia, she said.The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, Well, OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again.", -"One day, Bob's class was assigned to write down everything they heard at home.When Bob got home, he heard his mom and dad fighting.Shut up he heard his dad say.Bob wrote that down.Next he went to his sister's room. She was chatting on-line. It just so happened that she said everything she typed. Duh! Bob heard her saying.Bob wrote that down.After that, he went to the living room were he heard his little brother saying, Super Man!Bob wrote that down.Last, he went near the bathroom were his grandpa was singing, Every day, the whole day, in the bathroom.Bob wrote that down.The next day at school, The teacher asked Bob, What did you write, Bob?Bob answered, Shut up!Excuse me, but do you want to go to the Principal's office?Duh! was Bob's reply.At the principal's office he asked Bob, What's your name?Bob answered, Super Man!Uh huh, and where do you live, Mr. Super Man? asked the principal.This was his reply:Every day, the whole day, in the bathroom!From that day on, Bob was home-schooled.P.S. I know it's a lame title, but what can I say, I'm not brilliant when it comes to titles.", -Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!, -Knock-KnockWho's there?Idaho.Idaho who?I da hoe!!!, -Why did Richard Nixon become President?Everyone called him Dick! They judged him by his name!, -"This storm is bad, Bob thundered.", -A book never written:Becoming a Better ArtistbyN.O. Creativity, -A book never written:L.O.L. byP. Lumyum, -A book never written:Yellow RiversbyL. O. Tsoftea, -How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? The whole team - and they each get a semester scholarship for it., -Here is a book never written.Extinction is Distinction by Dinah Soar, -What bird can't fly as high as you can jump?A bird in a cage., -"Which candles burn longer, the candles on a girl's cake or a boy's cake? No candles burn longer. They all burn shorter.", -"A doctor one day was accidentally cut rather badly on the leg. He went to an operating theatre and started to stitch his own leg up, using a local anaesthetic.While doing this, a colleague came into the room, and offered to help. The first doctor thanked him, but said he would carry on himself.The second doctor said, Ok, suture self!", -"Once, a man walked into a bar. He went up to the counter and ordered his drink. The guy next to him had a bowl of chili that he didnt seem to be eating.Sir, could I bother you for some chili? he asked very politely.Go right ahead he responded, passing the chili.About half way through, he saw there was a rat at the bottom of the chili. In repsonse to this he puked the chili back up. At this time the man next to him stared.Funny thats farther than I got, he said.", -"I have a spelling checker,It came with my PC.It plane lee marks four my revue,Miss steaks aye can knot see.Eye ran this poem threw it.Your sure real glad two no.Its very polished in its weigh,My checker tolled me sew.A checker is a blessing.It freeze yew lodes of thyme.It helps me right awl stiles two reed,And aides me when aye rime.Each frays comes posed up on my screen,Eye trussed too bee a joule.The checker pours o'er every word,To cheque sum spelling rule.Bee fore a veiling checkers,Hour spelling mite decline,And if we're laks oar have a laps,We wood bee maid too wine.Butt now bee cause my spelling,Is checked with such grate flare,There are know faults with in my cite,Of nun eye am a wear.Now spelling does not phase me,It does knot bring a tier.My pay purrs awl due glad den,With wrapped words fare as hear.To rite with care is quite a feet,Of witch won should be proud,And wee mussed dew the best wee can,Sew flaws are knot aloud.Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays,Such soft wear four pea seas,And why eye brake in two averse,Buy righting want too please.", -"So anyway, this leper goes into a bar. And this guy is in a really advanced state of decay, you know, like the werewolf's friend in American Werewolf in London, towards the end of the movie... Anyhow, he goes into this bar, sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, Look, before I order, I'd like you to know that I'm aware of how my appearance affects some people, and I'll fully understand it if you refuse to serve me. The bartender, who is looking a little pasty-faced, says, No, sir, I am a professional, and you are my customer. It is my pleasure to serve you. What would you like? A shot of whiskey, if it's not too much trouble. Coming right up, sir. The bartender pours the drink, then goes to the area behind the bar, ostensibly to wash some glasses, but the leper can hear him puking his guts out. When the bartender returns a moment later, wiping the corner of his mouth with a rag, the leper says, Look, I told you I would understand. You didn't have to go through that for my sake! To which the bartender replied, I know that, sir, and I would like to assure you that I would have had no trouble, but for the last 5 minutes or so, the drunk next to you has been dipping his crackers in your arm.", -Yo momma is so dumb I told her to do an essay and she went and fucked a mexican..., -"SO GREASYYo momma's so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!Yo momma's so greasy she sweats Crisco!Yo momma's so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her!SO NASTYYo momma's so nasty, she made speed stick slow down!Yo momma's so nasty, she brings crabs to the beach!Yo momma's so nasty, she made the right guard turn left!Yo momma's so nasty, the fishery paid her to leave!Yo momma's so nasty, she has to creep up on bathwater!Yo momma's so nasty, she pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh!Yo momma's so nasty, I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.SO POORYo momma's so poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, and she said, Moving!Yo momma's so poor, she can't afford to pay attention!Yo momma's so poor, when I ring the door bell, I hear the toilet flush!Yo momma's so poor, when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!Yo momma's so poor, when I ring the doorbell, she says, DING!Yo momma's so poor, she went to McDonald's, and put a milkshake on Tayaway!Yo momma's so poor, your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk!Yo momma's so poor, her face is on the front of a foodstamp!Yo momma's so poor, when she was in K-mart with a box of Hefty bags, I asked her, What are you doing? and she answered, Buying luggage!Yo momma's so poor, she drives a peanut!Yo momma's so poor, she waves around a popsicle-stick, and calls it air-conditioning!", -"How many George Walter Bushes does it take to change a lightbulb?Luckily, only 2. The world can't handle many more idiots.", -"Returning home from dinner out one night, I started to feel sick. Suspecting food poisoning, I called the restaurant's manager. I can't believe that happened!, she said. She sounded truly shocked. What did you order? I told her I ordered the meat loaf. That's weird,she observed.Usually it's the stuffing.", -How do you tell when a lawyer is well-hung?When you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his throat., -"How many Microsoft Employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?None, they'll just make darkness the new industry standard!", -What does playing the bagpipes and throwing a javelin blind-folded have in common?You don't have to be very good at either to get a lot of peoples' attention., -Does anyone know why I have nightmares?Because the last man that had a dream got shot., -"There were 3 boys named trouble, jackass, and manners. They were playing a game of hide and seek. Trouble was counting, manners was hid up in a tree, and jackass was hiding behind the same tree. A police man walks over to jackass and says I'll give you a lollipop if you tell me your name. He then replies, jackass. The police man says where are your manners, he then points up in the tree. The police man says, are you looking for trouble. Trouble then says no trouble is looking for me.", -"Okay, so. King Arthur is in a heated battle with another king. Now, Arthur has all of his best men in battle, but unfortunatly, he loses. Because kings don't really kill other kings, the king agrees to let Arthur go, if he answers one question. The king asks Arther to find out what a woman wants most. The question must be answered in 1 year's time. Arthur has no idea where to look, so he sends a few of his best soldiers to search for someone who knows what women want. 2 months later, Arthur hears word of a witch who lives up in the northern-most mountains who knows what all women want. Arthur sent his best man, Sir Lancelot Du Lac to find the witch. Sir Lancelot travels for many moons, until one day, he finally finds the witch. He walks into the cave and sees only a bear. He says, Kind bear, will you please tell me where the witch is?The bear replies, What business do you have here?I need to find out what women want the most.Well, I'll tell you on one condition; you marry me.Now Lancelot is a very handsome man. He is the best looking man in Arthur's entire kindgom, but Lancelot is so loyal to Arthur that he just has to marry this witch.Okay, I will marry you, Sir Lancelot agrees.What a women wants most is to make her own decisions. Now, shall we ride home?Lancelot and the witch ride home. Before the wedding, Arthur tells Lancelot that he doesn't need to do this but Lancelot is determined to keep his promise to the witch. After Lancelot is married to the witch and they go to their room in the castle, the witch turns into a beautiful woman. She asks Lancelot, Will you rather I am this beautiful in the night, with you, or in the day, when company will see me?Lancelot thinks for a minute, then says, You decide.Very good. You have been listening. Now, I will be beautiful all the time.The moral of this story is that no matter how beautiful or how ugly she is, all women are witches.", -"1) In Bettendorf, it is illegal for liquor stores to place advertisements for beer outside the store.2)In Mount Vernon, a person first must obtain written permission from the City Council before throwing bricks into a highway.", -"A good marriage would be between a blind woman, and a deaf man.", -"One afternoon, Tommy is driving down a highway to spend some time at a lake and relax. On his way to the lake, he spots a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway, gesturing for him to stop.He rolls down his window and asks, How can I help you?I'm the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat? the guy in red says.Smiling, Tommy hands the guy a sandwich and drives away. A few short minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed completely in yellow, and he's standing on the side, motioning for him to stop.Slightly annoyed, he stops, rolls down the window, and says, What can I do for you?I'm the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink? the guy in yellow asks.Barely managing a smile, Tommy hands the guy a can of soda and takes off again. Wanting to reach the lake before sunset, he decides to go faster and not stop, no matter what.Much to his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road. This guy is dressed in blue and is signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, he stops one last time, rolls down his window, and screams, Let me guess. You must be the blue jerk of the highway. Just what the hell do you wanna have?Driver's license and registration, please!", -"Wal-mart is planning on opening fifty new stores in areas that are blighted.Ironically, the official definition of blighted is what happens to an area when Wal-mart opens a store nearby.", -Yo dadda liked women until he saw yo momma., -This is funny, -You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Henny Youngman, -Why does a dog have fur?'Cause if he didn't he'd be a little bare!, -"How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?---------------------54. Two in the front, two in the back, and fifty in the ashtray.What is the difference between a large pizza and a Jew?---------------------The large pizza won't scream when you put it in the oven.", -What's the difference between a black man and a large pizza?--------------a large pizza can feed a family of fourWhat do sperm and black men have in common?--------------only one in a million work!!, -What do you call a drive-by shooting in Chinatown?A cappuchino., -"Yo momma's so stupid, when you asked her for an evening gown, she came back with a night dress!", -"How many snobby girls does it take to change a lightbulb?All of them, they try, break a nail, and come crying home.", -What's a bunny's favorite type of dance?Hip Hop!, -Where do whales go to get their teeth checked?To the orcadontis!, -Why was Johnny's math book sad?It had too many problems!, -"One day after a birthday party at the jumper house, a young blond told her mother:Mommy, Mommy, I'm soooooo generous! When I was about to go into the jumpers, I found so many shoes and took them to the lost and found! Aren't I soooooo generous?", -"Hey this is not a joke. Just submit a full smiley just for the heck of it. Wouldn't it be weird if the top joke wasn't even a joke? So please, just give it a full smiley.If you think this is just stupid, then, please give this crap a zero smiley.", -"A guy was walking around town with a frog growing out of his head. Another man walks up to him and ask him, What happened to you?The frog answered, Well, it started as a wart on my ass.", -Knock- KnockWho's There?KenyaKenya Who?Kenya eat me out?, -"A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience. The man said, Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew. Really? said the ringmaster. Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop? Yes he did, the man replied. And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid? Yes he did, the man replied. And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth? Just once, the man replied. The ringmaster asked, Why only once? The man said, I was looking for my father.", -"Johnny comes back from school crying and says, Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head. His mother replies, No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings.", -"A man goes into a pet shop looking for an exotic pet. The owner tells the man, we have iguanas.... The Man says, No, I am looking for something really different. Everyone has iguanas, snakes, fish, and spiders! The owner of the shop then tells the man that he has a talking centipede. The man gets excited; and says, I'll take it! On the way home, the man tries to make small talk with the centipede; but he gets no response. He just figures the thing is shy. Once they get home, the man has an idea; and asks the centipede if he wants to go to the bar with him. No response. He gets agitated and taps the centipede's box pretty hard. I said; Do you want to go to the bar with me?!?! After a couple of seconds, the centipede yells, Hold on! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!!!", -"Two jackrabbits are running from a pack of coyotes they manage to hide under a cactus. One says to the other:Should we run for it, or wait till we outnumber 'em?", -A lovely young lady named KimWent down to the river to swimA man in a puntStuck an oar in her eyeAnd now she has to wear glasses., -"A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.An' wot's this then? he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.You dumb dog. As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best ground beef. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?Again, the dog growls menacingly. Alright, alright, as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there, comments the butcher.He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.", -"10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full 'KISS' makeup. 7. When you criticize him, he yells, Thou sucketh. 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by Jeb Daddy. 5. Defiantly says, If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap. 4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks. 3. Uses slang expression, Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening. 2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese. AND THE 1 REASON YOU'LL KNOW YOUR TEENAGE AMISH SON IS IN TROUBLE IS: 1. He's wearing his big black hat BACKWARDS!!!", -"A man into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants.The hooker almost faints; the guy has a 18 inch cock.She says, Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it,but you're not sticking that in me.The man pulls up his pants, picks up his $50, and says, Screw that, I can do that myself!", -BlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahPAY ME LOTS MONEYSign for pain here______________________, -"A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, I gotta have you! He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door. He said, That was the best honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you? His wife replies, No, no. I'll be okay once I get the doorknob out of my ass.", -"A young boy asks his dad, What is the difference between confident and confidential?Dad says, You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son; that's confidential!", -jkfsh, -"Did you hear that TGI Fridays is opening a new restaurant? Yeah, it's called WTF Mondays.", -"This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home .That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about normal tricks.Well, they said, Let's try this out.Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, Heel!Quick as you like, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.", -The GOP Congress will re-introduce drilling for oil in the Arctic.Republicans say the environmental effect is minimal; a study shows caribou do not make campaign contributions., -"One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.On the first Friday, the teacher asks, How many grains of sand are in the beach? Needless to say, no one could answer.The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, How many stars are in the sky? and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, Here's this week's question, Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.The teacher says, Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!", -"-Archimedes, you are late again. Don't tell me that you were locked again in the bathroom.-Copernicus, when will you understand that you are not the center of the world?-Galileo, if you will drop stones from the top of the tower one more time, you will be dismissed forever.-Kepler, till when will you stare at the sky?-Newton, will you please stop idling away under the apple tree?-Volta, I can see you have a lot of potential.-Ohm, must you resist Ampre's opinions on current events?-Nikola Tesla, I see that everyone is attracted to your magnetic personality.-Einstein, a crocodile is greener or is it wider? -Schrdinger, stop abusing cats!-Heisenberg, when will you be sure of yourself?", -"The new principal was talking to the teachers.Now, listen, my name is Mr. Prenis, with an R. Please don't forget to spell it out clearly, so that the students dont laugh and such...The teachers assure him that they will remember it, and they go out to adress the students.One of the male teachers steps up to the podium, and speaks into the microphone:Welcome, students, to another year at Rearview Elementary. I would like you to welcome your new principal, Mr. Crock...", -"Two guys are sitting in a bar. The one says to the other, Are you going to the Johnsons' tonight?The other says, Dunno, I don't feel like it, but my wife wants to.Yeah, me too, I don't feel like it, but my wife insists.Both of them sigh deeply, look at each other and say:All right then. See you at the Johnsons'!", -"An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal... Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a close by man, Can you help me point my penis? The man reluctantly accepted but decided not to look at the man's penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, Hey! I'm grabbing it right? So I should look, I have a rightHe looks down at the man's member and sees that is beyond hideous. Startled, he jumps back and lets go, asking, What the hell is wrong with it?The armless man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says I dunno, but I ain't touchin' it, and walks away.", -"The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, What do you have in there, pal?A mongoose.What for?Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection. But, the friend said, you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes. That's okay, said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, So is the mongoose.", -"A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man asks, Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him? The nurse explains, The hot chocolate will help him sleep. The man says, And the Viagra? Keeps him from falling out of bed.", -"Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. I'll have some fuckin' French toast, he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' French toast for me, he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. I don't know, he says meekly, but I definitely don't want the fuckin' French toast.", -"Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...", -"True Story:My aunt and her son were coming to our house to view an old slide show of London. Currently, my aunt has grey hair. In the slides she had black hair. My dad tells my cousin, See, your mother doesn't look old here. He replies, Well, you can also see when the Hampton Court Palace was new.", -There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog., -"I knocked several times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity", -"If an item is advertised as under $50, you can bet it's not $19.95.", -"If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.", -"If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.", -"If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!", -"Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end.", -Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river., -"A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.The phone was now working fine - except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.A repairman arrived within the hour!", -"A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.Oh, about $200 today, said the rancher. But in six years it would have been worth $900, so $900 is what I'm out.The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.Here, he said, is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now.", -"A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, whom I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.The banker said, Yes, he certainly was trusted, and he will be tried as soon as we catch him.", -"The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.Why would you say that? wondered the broker.Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.", -"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.I feel better already.", -"Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, I wouldn't eat that if I were you.Why not?I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.", -"Original Lyric Put your left foot in, Your left foot out,Your left foot in,And shake it all about.You do the hokey pokey,And turn yourself aroundThat's what it's all about.Shakespearean Style.O proud left foot, that ventures quick within,Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke;A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.The Hoke, the poke - banish now thy doubt.Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.", -"On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes.She blew her stack.", -This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:All signs metric - Next 20 miles., -"Leonid Brezhnev, a former ruler of Russia, was thought not to be too bright. He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts:Dear Comrade Imperialists,The whole hall perked up - what did he say? Brezhnev tried again...Dear Comrade Imperialists,Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. Oh... he muttered, and started again:Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere.", -Knock-KnockWho's There.Pick up.Pick up Who?Pick up your truck and I'll grab the money., -- Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.- You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.- You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.- You think you are an entrepreneur because of the Dirt for Sale sign in the front yard.- You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.- You don't think Jeff's Foxworthy's jokes are funny.- Every time you see a roadsign that says DIP you reach in your back pocket.- You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table., -"The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. When she walked back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. Mother, the nuns asked with earnest, please give us some wisdom before you die. She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, Don't sell that cow.", -"The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store, his mother said. Oh good, he replied, Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!", -"Your momma's teeth are so yellow, that when she opened her mouth, a black guy said nice grillz!Your momma's so fat 'n hairy that when she went to the mueseum someone yelled the mammoth's alive!Your momma's so hairy that when she was on the set of king kong, the director said I thought I only ordered 1 gorrila!Your momma's so old and gassy that when she farted the dinasours became extinct!Your momma's so stupid that they invented the books for dummys just for her!Your momma's so skinny that god used her to clean his teeth!Your momma's so ugly that when she stepped out of her house, people ran away saying I didn't know they were shooting a horror movie here!Your momma's so ugly that when walked down her street someone said lady, halloween was yesterday!", -"After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.", -A clean tie attracts the soup of the day., -Don't lend people money...it gives them amnesia., -"A boy comes home from school saying, 3rd grade math has way bigger numbers than 2nd grade!His dad replies, Don't worry, when you start getting a paycheck they get smaller again.", -If you use your rollaway tool box for your bedroom dresser.If you are afraid to mow your lawn because you might find out where Grandma's been for the last two months., -All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way., -Any wire cut to length will be too short., -"Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.", -Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation., -Yo momma's so ugly when she walks in a room mice jump on chairs!, -"Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty of it.", -The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh..., -The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work., -One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow., -"No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.", -"There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer . If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter . Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.", -"A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil. The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil? The dying man said, Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody.", -"A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, What've you got in your truck? Fertilizer, the farmer replied. What are you going to do with it? asked the little boy. Put it on strawberries, answered the farmer. You ought to live here, the little boy advised him. We put sugar and cream on ours.", -"The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, Rough Road.", -There are two rules for success in life:Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know., -Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? - G. Gordon Liddy, -"You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.", -"You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time.", -"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.", -"Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment. So what makes you think your doctor is any better? asked his friend. Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment.", -"A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security. The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him. Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door. Who is it? my friend asked nervously. Honey, a woman on the other side yelled, you left your key in the door.", -"A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, All politicians are assholes. A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, I take offense to that! The pissed-off guy asks him, Why? Are you a politician? No, he replies, I'm an asshole.", -"In the university, the lecturers were entering their classes. Meanwhile, the students were doing their own stuff. When the lecturer said,Class, attention please! all of them still did something else. Of course they didn't pay attention because the lecturer asked the CLASS to pay attention!", -"My friend and I were in a record store to buy a 45-speed record of his favourite song. After he located it, he realized that he had forgotten his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decided to get a five-finger discount so he put it down his pants.Well, as we were leaving the store, the cashier stopped him and said, Excuse me, but is that a record in your pants? To this he responded, It may not be a record, but I'm mighty proud of it.", -Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you., -"Four teenagers were arrested in the parking lot of a large mall in Lakeland, Fla. just before Christmas. In an attempt to steal an automobile at random, they tried to break into a police van containing three officers on a stakeout.", -"A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the employee asked, Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number?Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn't heard from them since.", -"The song, Yankee Doodle was originally sung by British soldiers to insult the colonialists .The Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British .", -"St. Paul, MNThe hit movie Home Alone about a boy thwarting burglars with imaginative mayhem, wasn't total fantasy. Just ask the guy who tried to break in while 13-year-old Ryan Hendrickson was home alone.Ryan was watching television Wednesday night when he heard a noise that sounded like a window screen being cut.I ran to the closet and grabbed a bat, Ryan said Thursday. I went...into the dining room, where I saw him cutting the window with a knife. He put his left hand in first and I was waiting for his right hand to come in...and I took the baseball bat and I hit him as hard as I could.The man ran. Ryan called 911.Police, while cautioning Ryan to call 911 first next time, did enjoy the fact that the kid got in the first lick against a bad guy.", -"New York, NYPolice across the nation are warning people who wear pagers to be on the lookout for the latest scam.According to police, pagers in several states have been beeped by a number displaying a 212 area code and the prefix 540. When the victims return the call, they are charged $55 on their phone bill.The call the respondent makes has been electronically linked into a 900 pay-per-call system which allows the charge to be added to the phone bill.People will look at the number and say 'Gee, who is calling me from out of state? It must be important,' said an investigator.", -"Bellevue, WAThere's a story circulating through the Bellevue School District about the woman who called wanting information on home schooling.Both Lake Washington and Bellevue districts are noted for their support of home schoolers, and the Bellevue spokesperson was explaining procedures and what to do to the mother on the telephone.Among other things, the mother needed to file a declaration of intent, a kind of home school registration. The spokeswoman offered to send out the proper form.The mother gave a Renton address.The spokeswoman suggested registering the children in her home district in Renton, the Lake Washington School District.No way, said the mother. Everyone knows Bellevue schools are much better than Renton schools.", -"Kenneth Jeffries, 24, was arrested in West Haven, Conn., in August for robbing a convenience store. Police reported that he had first offered the clerk $1 for a pack of gum as a ruse and then taken $40 in the robbery.However, said police, Jeffries returned a minute later and asked, uncertainly, Did I pay for the gum?By that time the clerk had summoned police, and Jeffries was soon apprehended.", -"So, what did one Bowling pin say to the other Bowling pin? ............................ Hey, you're a knock out!", -"One day a pretty lady was driving through the desert and her car broke down. In the distance, she sees an indian riding a horse. He rides over to her and offers her a lift to the nearest gas station and she happily accepts. On the way to the gas station, the indian would let out a, Woo Hoo, Yipee! every few seconds. The lady just figured that he was being an Indian and ignored it.When they finally got to the gas station and the Indian had left, the guy that worked at the gas station asked, What was his problem? The lady responded, I don't know, I was just holding onto his saddle horn.The guy replied, Lady, Indians don't use saddles!", -Did you hear about the magic car?It turned into a driveway!, -"My health teacher said once he was talking to this one guy and a student. As they were talking the student got curious and asked, How long have you been teaching here?My health teachser replied, Oh about 37 years.The student said he must be old and the other guy, who is elderly as well says,Ya, and Jesus still owes me a buck.", -How many Price Chopper employees does it take to wash a table?Three; one to wash it and two to supervise., -"If I'm canoeing up a tree, how many cupcakes does it take to get to the moon? None, since vests don't have sleeves.", -How many Hubluzas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?There is no lightbulb!, -"If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?Can you make a candle out of your earwax?When French people swear do they say pardon my English?Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?Cute as a button Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?Are marbles made of marble?Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?", -"Boys make good pets!Princess in training!At least I can still smoke in my carCaution, Blind Man Driving.Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make.All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day!To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail.-Michael JordanNo BLOOD no foul.Life's an Ocean, Sail ItWe are going to rip off your testicles.......and slash your tires. - NipBest friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you!I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.Half the people you know are below average.Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.", -"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.", -"Rhett Jacobs, Democratic candidate for the South Carolina House and a man who listed education as his top priority, submitted a required campaign disclosure form in October, handwritten, on which he detailed expenses for filling fee, campain work and litature.", -"This story is true. I heard my brother tell it to my cousins when we went out spotlighting.Well my brother and 2 of his friends were drunk. One of my brothers friends were so drunk he passed out. I forget what he landed on, but the power went out. The blond comes screaming What's happening??!! my brother and his other friend reply,The house is falling down!! So the blond runs to the door and pushes up on the doorway, and turns beet red. I don't know the erst of the story because my brother had just remembered I was in the car. He knew I would tell mom everything he said that was bad because I'm 12.", -"Buy company, fire them. Beware of machine guns.", -"Good friends are the ones who will bail you out of jail.But...TRUE friends are the ones who wil be sitting next to you in prison and say, You know, we sure messed up there, buddy!", -"A lawyer in Basic Math classWhat is two plus two?Well, first let us decide the parties. The first two is party A. Now first, where are the signatures that my client two WANTS to be added to the party B, two. I see no signatures, and therefore the two twos shan't be together until further paperwork is done. Two and two remain separate, CASE CLOSED!", -"How does a sperm bank treat its donors?On a first come, first serve basis.", -"Yo momma is so fat and so pale white, when they landed on her they said This is one small step for man, and one fat leap for mankind!", -"A U.S. Mint spokesperson announced the plans for a new fifty-cent piece that was being issued in the honor of two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale. When questioned by a reporter why two people were going to appear on the same coin, the spokesperson replied, These two men were selected to simplify life for a vast majority of Americans.The reporter then asked, Could you explain how this would simplify life for Americans?The official responded, Certainly, I'd be happy to. Now, when they toss a coin, they can simply call Ted's or Hale's.", -"The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. My, you look tired, she said. You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted? It was terrible, her husband said, The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.", -"A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. Sorry I can't serve you, states the barman. Why not?! asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. You're under 21, replies the barman.", -Why did the cow cross the street?To get to the udder side!, -What do you call a one-legged lady?Eileen!, -Which animal has no teeth?A gummy bear!, -"This man comes home feeling pretty frisky after partying with his buddies half the night. He walks into the bedroom where his wife is still waiting up for him. He takes off all of his clothes and says, Baby, you are looking at 200 pounds of dynamite. His wife opens the window and yells, Everybody run for your lives, there's 200 pounds of dynamite in my bedroom, and it only has a three inch fuse!", -"An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. Your workers, they're escaping! cries the visitor. You've got to stop them. Don't worry, they'll be back, says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order? Forget the machines, says the visitor. How much do you want for that whistle?", -"Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, God, please give me the strength to cross the river. Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed, God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river. Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river. Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.", -Yo momma's so stupid she tried to drown a fish., -"Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?Is there another word for synonym?Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?The older you get, the better you realize you were.Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?If Denny's is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?", -How can you tell an elephant from an ant?An ant is easier to pick up!, -Why do bald men put holes in their pockets?So they can run their fingers through their hair!, -"A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!So? asked the duck's former owner, did you remember to light the candle under the pot?", -"A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, Say, Father, what causes arthritis?Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.Well I'll be, the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?I don't have it, Father; I was just reading here that the Pope does.", -"A Good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk, Do you live here? Yep, replied the drunk. Would you like me to help you upstairs? And again the drunk replied, yep. When they got up on the second floor, the good samaritan asked Is this your floor? And once again the drunk replied, yep.Then the good Samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk, Do you live here? Yep, replied the drunk. Would you like me to help you upstairs? And agin the drunk replied, yep. So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk, then went back downstairs.Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!", -"A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.Whoa, Sam! said the bartender. Who gave those beauties to you?Nobody gave them to me, said Sam. I had to fight like crazy for both of them.", -How did the aliens hurt the farmer? They trod on his corn., -"A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. What's so funny? the bartender asked. That stupid Dave! the fellow chortled, He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!", -Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing., -"Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other, 'Boy was my wife mad at me last night. She went on and on and wouldn't stop!' The other Buddy says, 'When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.' 'How do you do that?' says the other. 'It's easy! I turn off the light!'", -"Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense. You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty days' pay, said the officer. All right, sir, said the bright soldier, I'll take the money.", -"A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding. Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was. I think you've paid your debt to society, he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.", -"Schwarznegger has a big one,Michael J. Fox has a small one,Madonna doesn't have one,The POPE has one but doesn't use it,Clinton uses his all the time,Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,George Burns' was hot,Liberace NEVER used his on women,Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,We never saw Lucy use Desi's.What is it?A last name....... Were you thinking of something else?", -"Old world charm - Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light. Tropical - Rainy.Majestic setting - A long way from town, at end of dirt road.Options galore - Nothing is included in the price.Secluded hideaway - Directions to locate unclear.Some budget rooms - Sorry, already occupied.Explore on your own - At your own expense.Minutes From ??? - By PlaneRomantic - No Phone in roomKnowledgeable trip hosts - They've flown in an airplane before.No extra fees - No extras available.Bird Watchers Paradise - Your car's paint will never be the sameNominal fee - Outrageous charge.Standard - Sub-standard.Deluxe - Barely Standard.Superior accommodations- One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.All the amenities - Two chocolates, two shower caps.Just Like Home - No Maid service.Plush - Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.Gentle breezes - In hurricane alley.Light and airy - No air conditioning.Picturesque - Theme park nearby.24-hour bar - Ice cubes at additional cost .", -"Astronomers were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang. Apparently, that sound was Uh oh.", -"As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later, I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag.When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse.We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses, he explained. I think you'll find everything there.As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse - and we'd like to see just how you do it.", -"A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. Well, he replied, the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.", -"Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home, she said. What an example of devotion, Dave replied. I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me? Honey, she answered, if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door.", -"- You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top. - Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. - You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. - You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. - You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. - You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace. - You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car. - There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.", -"The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, I'm delivering him to my doctor's office. The other driver leaned out of his window. I hate to tell you, man, he said, but I think it's too late!", -"A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic. Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do? The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, What you need is jar number 47. So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, This is gross! he yelled. Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson, said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home...very mad. One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. Doc, he started, I can't remember anything! Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, What you need is jar number 47, it's.... But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!", -What do you get when you cross an eagle with a jeep and a dog?A flying car-pet!, -Nine cats were on a boat. One jumped off. How many were left?None. They were all copy-cats!, -I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting larger.Then it hit me..., -These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.Queen Mary Having Bottom ScrapedLawyers Give Poor Free Legal AdviceFund Set Up for Beating Victim's KinCancer Society Honors Marlboro ManNicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out LiteracyAutos Killing 110 a Day - Let's Resolve to Do Better20-Year Friendship Ends at AltarHalf of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for GraduationBlind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years, -Why was the fish expelled from school?He was caught with seaweed!, -"When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!", -"When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?", -The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished., -Why did the tent agree to stand up all night? He was roped into it!, -Why did the big knot give the little knot a time-out?It was being knotty!, -"Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, Do you want to go to heaven?The man said, I do, Father.The priest said, Then stand over there against the wall.Then the priest asked the second man, Do you want to got to heaven?Certainly, Father, was the man's reply.Then stand over there against the wall, said the priest.Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, Do you want to go to heaven?O'Toole said, No, I don't Father.The priest said, I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?O'Toole said, Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.", -"A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail, but his lawyer told him, Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money.The lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.", -"A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.Here lies an honest man and a lawyer, responded the lawyer.Sorry, but I can't do that, replied the stonecutter. In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'.But that won't let people know who it is! protested the lawyer.Sure it will, retorted the stonecutter. People will read it and exclaim, That's impossible!", -"A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.Alright, the lawyer says, looking through his papers. You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.What? That sounds like a car payment schedule, retorted the client.You're right. It's mine.", -"How can I ever thank you? gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.My dear woman, Darrow replied, ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.", -"Chuck Norris has two speeds - walk and kill.Chuck Norris sold law and order for using the names of his arms and legs.Chuck Norris hides his third arm underneath his beards.When Chuck Norris does a push up he is not pushing himself up, he is pushing the world down.", -"A woman was about to have a set of triplets. While in the womb, the triplets were trying to figure out what they wanted to be when they grew up. The first one said that he wanted to be an electrician, and the others asked him why.He said, So I can get some light in this place. The second one said that he wanted to be a plumber, because their house was flooded. The third said that he wanted to be a trapper. The other two asked him why he wanted to do that and he said So I can catch that damn weasel that keeps poking its head in and out of here.", -What do you call a nun that becomes an attorney?Sister in law!, -"At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture. What a great realist that painter is! he exclaimed. What painter? The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'. Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all! That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!", -"It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.Are you Mr. Johnson? they asked. He admitted that he was.Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence? Again, the man admitted that was he.And what did you do then? the troopers asked. The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.Where is your car now? the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.May we see the car? asked the troopers. The man answered, Sure, and opened the garage.Inside the garage was the state trooper's car.", -How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?Into what?, -"Two maggots were playing billiards.One says, I'm bored.The other replies, Beats fishing.", -Why can't a dalmatian puppy hide from his mom?'Cause he's already been spotted!, -"My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood it turns green.But when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.Maybe next time the cheap bastard will buy me a diamond!", -"A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey? There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, Well, you knew, didn't you? and hung up.", -"The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. It was enough to make anybody faint, he said. My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower!", -"A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. Do you watch much television here? Only the daytime shows, the inmate said. At night we're locked in our cells and don't see any television. That's too bad, the reporter said, But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime. What do you mean, nice? the inmate said. That's part of the punishment.", -"After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman. Is Mike there? I asked. He's in the shower, she responded. Please tell him his girlfriend called, I said and hung up. When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. This is Mike, he said. You're not my boyfriend! I exclaimed. I know, he replied. That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour.", -"It's no good, sir, said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other. Goes in both ears and out the other? asked the puzzled teacher. But you only have two ears. You see, sir? I'm no good at math, either.", -Haiku are funnyBut sometimes they don't make senseRefrigerator, -Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco., -"The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, Who owns the big white horse outside? The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, I do. Why?The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside! The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was exhausted. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.Tonto said, Sure, Kemosabe, and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, Who owns that big white horse outside?The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, I do; what is wrong with him this time?The cowboy says to him, Nothing much, I just wanted you to know - you left your Injun running!", -"To keep your marriage brimmingWith love in the marriage cup,Whenever you're wrong, admit it;Whenever you're right, shut up. - Nash", -"At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing - and stay home at night!An old granny overheard and spoke up, Honey, if that's all you want, get a television!", -"A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole? The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.The priest said, You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? the pro asked.The priest replied, Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.", -"For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 a.m. on the dot; he had never missed a day and was never late.Consequently, when on one particular day 9 a.m. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway - nearly killed myself.The boss said, And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?", -"Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, something that had never happened before.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.Now, he concluded, which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?", -"It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.", -"Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.", -"This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and...Where does mommy live?Minneapolis.Where does grandma live?Baltimore.Where does grandpa live?Baltimore.And where does daddy live?At work!Needless to say, he took the next day off!", -"A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!", -"Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat.Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. My dear Mr. Wilson, she gushed, fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why, you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired! The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see if she can get your husband out of jail.", -"How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?None, it turned itself in.", -Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop.One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment.The first guy was charged with breaking and entering; and the second with leaving the scene of an accident., -"The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3You are under arrest and....1. No, I don't care who you are.2. No, I don't care who you know.3. Yes, you DO pay my salary.4. Yes, you CAN have my job.5. No, I don't have anything better to do.6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.7. No, I am not picking on you because you are __________ .8. No, I cannot give you a break.9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________.10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.12. No, we can't talk about it.13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.Thank you, have a nice day.Your Arresting Officer __________", -"Five policemen were on a boat. The boat sank. How many policemen died?10 - five during the accident, and five during the re-enactment.", -"Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding. Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.The cop walked up to the window and said, You know how fast you were going, BOY?Bob thought for a second and said, Uhh, 35?SIXTY-SEVEN mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone! said the cop.But if you already knew, officer, replied Bob, Why did you ask me?Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine! The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!Bob answered, I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, What kind of a job would a bum like you have?I'm a rectum stretcher! replied Bob.What you say, BOY? asked the patrolman.I'm a rectum stretcher!The cop, scratching his head, asked, What does a rectum stretcher do?Bob explained, People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across.The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, What the heck do you do with a six foot $$hole?Bob answered, You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!", -How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?None. He fell., -"How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?Just one, but he is never around when you need him.", -"A woman took her next-door neighbor with her when she went to the police station to report her husband was missing.Could you give me a description of your husband ma'am? the officer asked.He's 35 years old, 6 foot 2, weighs approximately 190 pounds, has a very athletic build, gorgeous blue eyes, dark hair, is very soft spoken and wonderful with the children, the woman replied.Wait a minute! the neighbor protested. Your husband is 5 foot 4, bald, fat, has brown eyes, a very big mouth and is mean to your children.Yes, but who wants HIM back? the woman said.", -"A young man was in the process of taking a verbal exam to join the local police force.If you're driving a police car, alone on a country road at night, and are being chased by a group of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do? he was asked.Without hesitation, the young man replied, Seventy!", -"A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light, where it wasn't allowed.Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn! he said.That's OK, Dad, his son replied. The police car right behind us did the same thing.", -"A veteran officer with 18 years is running radar on a main street of a rural town. Along comes a young driver in a brand new sports car going 48 mph in a 30 mph zone. The officer stops the young man and explains the violation.The driver becomes belligerent telling the officer his badge did not mean a thing. The young driver tells the officer to go ahead and write the ticket because his father knows people that will make the ticket go away.While the officer completes the ticket the young driver continues his barrage of insults.Without flinching the officer completes the ticket and hands the young driver his copies.The driver looks at his copies and becomes very agitated. The driver said, What the $% do you think you are doing? I thought you said I was doing 48 in a 30. You wrote 88 in a 30?The officer said, Forty-eight, eighty-eight, what's the difference? Your dad is going to make it go away anyway.", -"16 Ways of Knowing You're in the DesertYou no longer associate bridges with water.You can say 110 degrees without fainting.You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.You can make instant sun tea.You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.Hot water now comes out of both taps.It's July, it's noon, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.You actually burn your hand opening the car door.You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.", -"Swiss mountain guides who always do the same trails can get tired answering the same questions over and over. One time an English tourist was giving his guide an especially hard time with silly questions. They were walking through a mountain valley that was strewn with rocks, and the traveler asked, How did these rocks get here?Sir, said the guide, they were brought down by a glacier.The tourist peered up the mountain and said, But I don't see any glacier.Oh, really? said the guide. I guess it has gone back for more rocks.", -She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - she is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.She has not BEEN AROUND - she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - she commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.She does not GO SHOPPING - she is MALL FLUENT.She is not an AIR HEAD - she is REALITY IMPAIRED.She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - she achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.She is not COLD or FRIGID - she is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - she has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.She does not NAG YOU - she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE., -"A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!The wife replied, My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here.", -"There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.I used to come here all the time with my ex.Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.", -"After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.How about some perfume? he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.That's a bit much, said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.That's still quite a bit, Tom groused.Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.Tom grew agitated, What I mean, he said, is I'd like to see something really cheap.So the clerk handed him a mirror.", -"It was Christmas, and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, What are you charged with?Doing my Christmas shopping early, replied the defendant.Surely that's no offense, said the judge. How early were you doing this shopping?Before the store opened.", -"Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, I'll bet you don't know what day this is.Of course I do, he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! she exclaimed. I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!", -"The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.Here, he said to the waitress, holding out a piece of meat for inspection, do you call that pig?Which end of the fork, sir? the waitress asked.", -"Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They were sitting down on a bench to rest when they heard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose.Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them.Murphy said, Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me.", -"Murphy said to his daughter, I want you home by eleven o'clock.She said, But Father, I'm no longer a child!He said, I know, that's why I want you home by eleven.", -What does NASCAR stand for? Non Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks, -"My boyfriend was working in the souvenir shop at the Canterbury Cathedral in Kent, England. One afternoon he was talking with an attendant who worked in the cathedral when they were approached by two tourists. Are you a monk? one of the women asked. No, the attendant explained, I wear this robe as part of my job, but I'm not a member of any religious order. Then where are the monks? asked the woman. The man replied, Oh, there haven't been any monks here since 1415. Hearing this, the woman looked at her watch and announced to her friend, Betty, we missed the monks.", -"Touring Ireland's countryside with a group of travel writers, we passed an immaculate cemetery with hundreds of beautiful headstones set in a field of emerald-green grass. Everyone reached for their cameras when the tour guide said the inventor of the crossword puzzle was buried there. He pointed out the location, Three down and four across.", -"Once there were two farmers; one had a daughter and the other had a son. When their kids were teenagers they started dating, and the two farmers encouraged it. One day the girl's father went over to the other farmer's house and said that he didn't want their children dating any more. The boy's father asked, Why not?The other farmer said, Come here and I'll show you. In his yard was the girl's name written in pee in the snow.The boy's father said, Oh, come on, that's just boy stuff.The other farmer said, You think I don't know my own daughter's handwriting?", -"One radio station prank took place on April Fool's Day. They announced that the phone company would be cleaning the dirt out of the phone lines that afternoon. They do it, as it seems, by blowing air into the wires in the switching station. The problem is that the dirt comes out of the earpiece and mouthpiece of the telephone and could dirty the rugs or furniture in your house.Consequently, the phone company asks that the good citizens please get plastic bags and put them over the handsets of the telephones to protect their belongings.Stores reported a run on plastic bags, and the phone company made the radio station retract the original claim.", -"Back in the days of the Mattel Cabbage Patch Kid craze it was usually very hard to get one for the kiddies.A radio station announced that Mattel was going to get Cabbage Patch Kids out to the people of this particular city.The plan was that they had to go to the football field of the local university and wait. An airplane would fly overhead and the dolls would be dropped onto the field.People were supposed to hold their credit cards up so that a photographer with a telephoto lens in the airplane could get the credit card numbers and charge the price of the dolls to the recipients' accounts.People actually showed up, waving American Express cards in the breeze.", -"It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.Please let me in, says the man desperately. I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one.Okay, says the butcher, let me see what I have left. He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.That one is too skinny. What else have you got? says the man.The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.Oh, no, says the man, That one doesn't look any better. You'd better give me both of them!", -"A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she's not feeling well.What's the matter? he asks.I have a case of anal glaucoma, she says in a weak voice.What in the hell is anal glaucoma? he inquires.Well, I just can't see my ass coming to work today.", -"A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.His lawyer argued, Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years.Your Honor, the plaintiff's lawyer retored, if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years!", -"While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. How does that thing work? she asked. As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed. I see ... it's a lot like my husband, she said. You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him.", -How many dicks can a redneck girl take at a time? It depends on how many brothers she has., -Yo Mama is so poor she eats cereal with a fork to save milk., -"Special CheesecakeOne of my co-workers decided it was time to shed some excess weight. She took her new diet so seriously that she even changed her driving route to avoid her favorite bakery. One morning, however, she arrived at work carrying a gigantic cheesecake. We all scolded her, but her smile remained cherubic.This is a very special cheesecake, she explained. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious cheesecakes, let me have a parking spot directly in front of the bakery', and sure enough, she continued, the ninth time around the block, there it was!", -"An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door, his wife started on about, What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been? and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak - pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.They're not hanging Wright tonight, she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop?", -"A little boy put on his baseball uniform and went outside to play, chanting I'm the best baseball hitter in the world! He throws the ball in the air, swings and misses. Strike one!He adjusts his hat and says, I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!He throws the ball in the air, swings and misses. Strike two!He adjusts his hat a little more, takes a couple of practice swings and says, I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!Once more, he throws the ball in the air, swings and misses again. Strike three!He thinks for a few moments about what just took place, then says, I'm the best pitcher in the world!", -"While visiting a relative in Chicago, a University of Alabama student went to a party where he met a very attractive co-ed. Attempting to strike up a conversation with her, he asked, Where does you go to school?The co-ed, not at all impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, thought she would at least be polite and answer.Yale, she said.Taking a deep breath, the UA student shouted, I says, where does you go to school?", -Why do the Arkansas cheerleaders wear bibs?To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms., -"Bubba finally agreed to take his wife, Sue Ellen, to a play. They had hardly sat down when he jumped up and said Sue Ellen, we gotta go!With Sue Ellen in tow, Bubba stomped out to the foyer, demanded his money back, and they left the theater.When they got out onto the sidewalk, Sue Ellen said, Now you tell me what's wrong, Bubba Leroy, and you tell me right now, or I ain't goin' another step.Bubba said, Sue Ellen, I ain't no fool and I'm an only child. We done paid $20 of egg money for this here play and I heard somebody say that the second act was 10 years later! We ain't got that kinda money to be wastin' on play actin' when we ain't even sure where we gonna be in 10 years.", -"The children in the Sunday school class were asked by their teacher to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. When she looked at little Ricky's picture, she was puzzled to see that he had drawn four people in an airplane, so she asked him which story it represented.Little Ricky replied, That's the Flight to Egypt.Oh, I see, said the teacher. That must be Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus, but who's the fourth person?That's Pontius ... the Pilot! answered Ricky.", -"One Sunday morning, a man attended the service at the local church. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that he stopped to shake his hand. Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I have ever heard, the man said.Thank you, sir, the Reverend replied, but I must ask that you not use profanity in the Lord's house.Sorry, Reverend, I just can't help myself, said the man, that was just such a damn good sermon.Sir, please, replied the Reverend. Again I ask you not to use profanity in church.Okay, Reverend, the man said. I just want you to know that I thought it was so damn good that I put $5000 in the collection plate.No shit! exclaimed the Reverend.", -"Attending her first confession, the new nun tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.Sister Dominique, the priest says, your secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.Father, she says, I never wear underwear under my habit.With a little chuckle, the priest says, That is not too serious, Sister Dominique. For penance, say three Hail Marys, three Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.", -"The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.He gave the organist a copy of the service and asked her if she could come up with some kind of inspirational music to play, after he made the announcement about the finances, to help put the congregation in a giving mood.Don't worry, I'll come up with something, she said.During the service, the minister paused and said, Brothers and sisters, we find ourselves in great difficulty. The cost of the roof repairs is twice as much as we expected, and we need $4000 more. Any of you who are able to pledge $100 or more, please stand up.At that moment, the organist began playing, The Star Spangled Banner.", -"The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a fatal three-way car crash and all went to Heaven together.Oh, this is awful, exclaimed St. Peter. I know you must think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those strange coincidences that happen. We weren't expecting you, so your quarters aren't ready. We can't send you back and we can't take you in.Suddenly, St. Peter got an idea. He picked up the phone and called Lucifer. Lucifer, he said, this is Peter. We have a bit of a problem. We have three guys up here. They are ours, but we weren't expecting them so we need some time to fix up their quarters. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It should only take us a couple of days. What do you say?The devil was reluctant, but he agreed.Two days later, St. Peter received a call. Peter, this is Lucifer. Listen, you have to come and get these three clowns. The Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and the Roberts guy has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!", -"During his sermon, the preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike. As he preached, he continued to move briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.At one point, he moved to one side and got caught up in the cord, nearly tripping before he jerked it again.After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the second pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, Mommy, if he gets loose, will he hurt us?", -"A parish priest calls the Mother Superior into his office and says, There is something I must show you. Please come into my private room and close the blinds.Father! exclaims the shocked Mother Superior. What did you say?What I said was ... the priest begins.I heard what you said ... I just can't believe you're saying it, interrupts the Mother Superior.Well, I really need you to come in, the priest says. Curious now, she does as he asks.Here now, sit on the bed beside me, he says.I must get out of here, the nun replies.Aren't you the least bit curious? asks the priest. She is, so she cautiously sits down beside him.Now get under the covers, instructs the priest.I can't do that! she replies.But it doesn't work otherwise, the priest says. After much coaxing, she gets under the covers with him.Now, come closer, he whispers. Nervously, she moves closer to him.See, my new watch does glow in the dark!! he whispers happily.", -"On the first day of creation, God created the dog.On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth, especially the horse, to serve as potential food for the dog.On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.", -"It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen. The elephant complained, Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a total fool! The Lord said, Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink, and water without getting wet!Next the giraffe complained, Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people point and laugh at me! The Lord said, Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a fair distance.Then the hen spoke up. Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger ass or smaller eggs.", -"Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Pete says, Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want.The first nun says, I want to be Bo Derek, and - POOF - she's gone.The second says, I want to be Madonna, and - POOF - she's gone.The third says, I want to be Virginia Pepalini.St Peter looks perplexed. Who? he says.Virginia Pepalini, replies the nun.St. Peter shakes his head and says, I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell.The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.He hands it back to her and says, No, Sister, this says the Virginia Pipeline was laid by 500 men in 7 days!", -"On our last venture out for Christmas shopping, we had bought a few gadgets for the younguns and then realized we didn't have any batteries.I stepped over to the counter to get the batteries, but I couldn't attract any clerk's attention.I waited a while then said to April, I'll get someone's attention. Stay right here. With that, I pulled out a tape measure I just happened to have with me, and started to measure one of those large screen plasma television sets. You know, the ones that go for about $4000.Amazingly, a clerk almost leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side.Sir! Can I help you? he exclaimed.Yeah, you can. I'll take 8 of those batteries over there.", -"A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Oahu for a week, all expenses paid. When he enters his hotel room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed.He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, Where is your respect? As your rabbi, I am extremely angry with you.Hearing this, the girl immediately gets up and starts to get dressed.He says, Where are you going? I'm not angry with you...", -"An engaged couple met with their pastor to set the date for their wedding. During the meeting, the pastor asked them whether they preferred to have a contemporary or a traditional service. They chose a contemporary service.On the day of the big event there was a major storm, which caused the groom to take a different route to the church. Since the streets were flooded, he rolled up his trouser legs to keep his trousers dry.When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor.Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind, the groom replied. I think I would prefer the traditional service.", -"Little Johnny had the flu and wasn't able to attend the Palm Sunday church service with his family.When they returned home from the service, they were carrying palm branches. What are those? Little Johnny asked his mother.People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by, his mother explained.Well, doesn't that just figure, grumbled Little Johnny. The one Sunday I can't go to church, and Jesus shows up!", -"The Reverend Paul Fuzz was the pastor of a small congregation in a little town. One day, as he was walking down Main Street, he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking. He felt this was very sinful and definitely not something a member of his congregation should do. He entered the bar and sat down next to the woman.Mrs. Thomson, the Reverend said sternly, this is no place for a member of my congregation to be. Why don't you let me take you home?Okay, slurred the very drunk woman.When Mrs. Thomson stood up, she began to weave back and forth. Realizing she had had far too much to drink, the Reverend grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and fell to the floor.After rolling around for a few seconds, the Reverend ended up laying on top of her, her skirt hiked up to her waist.The bartender looked over the bar and said, Listen here, buddy, this isn't the place for that!The Reverend looked up at the bartender and said, But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz.The bartender nodded and said, Oh hell, if you're in that far, I guess you may as well finish up!", -"The preschoolers' Sunday school teacher told them that she wanted each of them to learn one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The next Sunday, she asked each of them what they had learned.I learned that he was born in a manger, said Julie.Timmy said, I learned that he threw the money changers out of the temple.What about you, Johnny? What did you learn? the teacher asked.He has a pick-up truck and he doesn't know how to drive, replied Little Johnny.Curious, the teacher asked, And where did you learn that, Johnny?I learned it from Daddy, Little Johnny explained. When we were driving down the highway, a pick-up truck cut right in front of us and Daddy shouted, Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive!", -"One night, a mother was walking past her young daughter's room when she saw the little girl kneeling by her bed, head bowed, hands folded, reciting the alphabet.What are you doing, sweetheart? the mother asked.I'm saying my prayers, Mommy, replied the little girl, but I couldn't think of what I wanted to say, so I'm saying the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together whichever way He feels is best.", -"Virgin Mary wanted to visit Hell, so she went to God and asked if she might do so. Yes, God said. I have only one warning for you. You must stay away from booze, drugs and men. Will you promise me so? Yes, Virgin Mary said. And remember to call me every night, God said, before Virgin Mary left.So, in the first night, the telephone rang in Heaven. Heaven, God answered. Hello, its Virgin Mary here ... I'm sorry to tell you, but I am a bit drunk ... I couldn't resist the temptation. Will you forgive me? asked Virgin Mary. Yes I will. Now stay clear of drugs and men, will you? And call me tomorrow, said God.The following night, the phone rang in Heaven. Heaven, God answered. Its Virgin Mary here. I'm sorry to say, but I'm a bit high ... I couldn't resist the temptation. Will you forgive me? asked Virgin Mary. Yes I will. Now stay clear of men, will you? And call me tomorrow, God said.The next night, the phone rang in Heaven. God answered, Heaven.It's Mary here, said the voice on the other end.", -"Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.Charlie said that he did not take any of the offering.The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offering, so the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.The priest then asked him again, Charlie, did you take any of the offering? This time, Charlie replied, I can't hear you.The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, I can't hear you.Finally, the priest yelled, CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING? Again, the reply was, I can't hear you.The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, Trade places with me and you can ask me a question.So, they traded places and Charlie asked, Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?To which the priest replied, By golly, you can't hear in here!", -Why don't politicians ever consider being gynocologists? They would have to deal with too much Bush every day!, -"Actual Anti-War Slogans for the War on IraqThese colors don't run the world.One nation under surveillance.It's the oil, stupid.War is expensive, Peace is priceless.Read between the PipelinesNo More BuSh.Smart weapons, Dumb president.The only thing we have to fear is Bush himself.How many Lives per Gallon?Patriots are idiots! Matriarchy Now!Peace Takes BrainsAnything war can do, peace can do better.Negotiation Not Annihilation.Another patriot for peace.How did our oil get under their sand?Go Solar, not Ballistic.Who Would Jesus Bomb?Start Drafting SUV Drivers Now.Don't blame me, I voted with the majority.Buck Fush!Resistance is Fertile. Stop Mad Sheep Disease Now. Pick Fruit, not Fights. More Candy Less War.Say can you see my democracy? Asses of Evil.Drop Bush, Not BombsOh Say can You Cease?Star Spangled BummerDon't Arm a Son of a BushDon't do it George, Dad will still love you.Power to the PeacefulThe last time we listened to a Bush, we wandered in the desert for 40 years.", -Q. What do elfs learn while in school?A. The elfabet!, -"One day, God was talking to St. Peter.God said, I am not very happy with all the sinners in the world. I should send a letter to each of them and tell them what they are doing wrong and they must stop, or they will not come to Heaven when they die.I have a better idea, St. Peter said. We should send letters to all the people who are doing good things and congratulate them on being accepted into Heaven when they pass on.God agreed, so they sent out the letters. Do you know what the letters said?What, you mean you didn't get one?", -Knock-knock..Who's there?Panther....Panther who?Panth-er no panth I'm goin' thwimmin'!, -"Marg and Sam invited a couple over for a evening of bridge.Sam, Marg said, this is the last couple that will ever accept an invitation to come to our house. If you dare to do anything to offend them tonight, I will crucify you!After they played for a while, Marg went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. When she returned, she saw that Sam was sitting at the table by himself.She put the tray down and said, What did you do to run them off this time?I didn't do anything, Sam replied. We were just sitting here and a mouse ran across the floor. Sue looked at me and said that we can get rid of mice by shoving steel wool into their little holes. All I asked was, 'How do you hold their little feet?' They both got up and left.", -"An old guy was wandering around a supermarket calling out - Crisco? Crisco? C-R-I-S-C-O!Finally, a clerk approached him and said, Sir, the Crisco in on aisle seven.Oh, the old guy said, I'm not looking for Crisco. I'm calling my wife.Your wife's name is Crisco? the puzzled clerk asked.Hell, no, the old guy said. I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.Oh? Well, what do you call her when you're not in the supermarket? asked the clerk.Lard Ass! replied the old guy.", -"Ted and Alice were thrilled when their long wait to adopt a baby finally came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had an adorable German baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped at the local college so they could enroll in night classes. After they completed filling out the form, the registrar inquired, What possessed you to study German?We've just adopted a wonderful German baby boy and in a year or so, he'll begin to talk. We want to make sure we're able to understand him! the couple proudly explained.", -"An elderly couple were on a road trip and stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. They finished their lunch and it wasn't until they were back on the highway that the old woman realized she had left her glasses behind at the restaurant.They had to continue on the highway for quite some distance before they were able to find a spot to turn around. The old man grumbled and complained all the way back to the restaurant.When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too!", -"I'm feeling so ashamed of the way we live, a wife said to her husband, who preferred to spend his time laying on the couch watching TV, rather than finding a job. My father pays our mortgage, my mother buys all of our groceries for us, my sister buys us our clothes, my uncle bought us a car. I'm feeling so ashamed.The husband raised his head and replied, Well, you should feel ashamed. Those three worthless brothers of yours never even give us a cent!", -"A man stumbles into his house after a night of drinking and is greeted by his very angry wife.What's the big idea of coming home half drunk? she yells.I'm sorry, honey, but I ran out of money, he mutters.", -"Seven-year-old Timmy had been the center of his parents' lives up until the time his new baby sister came along. He found it very difficult to share their attention and was becoming more and more jealous.When his little sister was a year old, his parents took him aside and told him that since she was getting bigger, their house was too small, so they would be moving to a bigger house.Why bother, Timmy grumbled, She's crawling good now, so she'll probably just follow us.", -"An elderly man and his wife, vacationing at a cabin by the lake, were sitting on the porch and reminiscing about their younger years.This is the lake where I learned how to swim when I was a small boy, the husband said. My father threw me into the water and I had to learn how to dog paddle to get back to the shore or drown. It was sink or swim.That was a cruel thing for your father to do, the wife said. How could a loving father do such a thing to a small child? That must have been a very difficult way to learn how to swim.Not really, replied the husband. Learning how to swim was the easy part. Getting out of that burlap bag first was the hard part!", -"This really happened A bunch of very young girls arrived at our door at Halloween. My Mum, being friendly, asked them whereabouts they lived, because she hadn't seen them before. They replied, We live quite near here, where do you live?", -"There was a child who came back from school one day with loads of cuts and bruises and his bike broken. The concerned mother asked him what had happened. So, the child says Well, when the fridge landed on me...", -"This really happened A man was receiving death threats from another man, so he took him to court. The judge threw the case out on the basis that the threats obviously hadn't been carried out.Really, how stupid can you get?", -"Your email address ends in over.yonder.com.You have a bumper sticker on your truck that says My other computer is a laptop.You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.Your spell checker knows words like, Y'all, Yonder and Reckon.You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.Your laptop has a sticker on it that says Protected by Smith Wesson.You've used jumper cables to wire your network.Your wife said either she or the computer had to go and you still don't miss her.You start all your emails with Hey Bubba, or Howdy Y'all.", -"The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He answered it and listened intently. After a brief moment, his face lit up with a smile.He hung up the phone and immediately called his mother to pass along the good news.Ma, the results are in, he shouted joyously. I won the election!Honestly? his mother replied.Aw, gee, Ma, what a time to bring that up! he said.", -"While running for the Senate in New York, the young man's political advisor heard some very upsetting news.Listen, he said, you must go to Albany right away or you're going to lose a lot of votes. They're telling lies about you there.I have to go to Buffalo first or I'll lose even more votes, replied the candidate.Why? What's happening in Buffalo? the advisor asked.They're telling the truth about me! replied the candidate.", -"A group of American tourists were on a guided tour through an ancient castle in Europe.Ladies and gentlemen, the guide said, this castle is over 700 years old. Nothing has been altered or touched in all those years.Sounds like they have the same cheap landlord I have! exclaimed one of the tourists.", -"An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. She was so upset that she went up to the man and said, I was going to park there!The man, being a real smart alec, said, Oh, well, that's what you can do when you're young and bright.This made the lady even angrier, so she got in her car, backed up, pressed on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man raced back to his car and exclaimed, What did you go and do that for?The little old lady replied, That's what you can do when you're old and rich!", -"A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day, an old Indian went up to the director and said, Tomorrow storm. The next day there was a sandstorm.Several days later, the Indian went up to the director and said, Tomorrow rain. The next day it rained for the entire day.This Indian is amazing, said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian failed to show up for a couple of weeks.Finally, the director sent for him. I have a big scene to shoot tomorrow, the director said, and I'm counting on you. What will the weather be like?Not know, replied the Indian, shrugging his shoulders. Radio broken!", -"Little Susie was mother's little helper and always set the table when company was coming for dinner.The table was set, the visitors had arrived and everyone sat down at the table when Mother noticed that something was missing.Susie, you didn't put a knife and fork out for Mr. Grover, mother said.I didn't think he would need them, Mommy, Susie explained. Daddy says he eats like a horse!", -"A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, Momma, why do I have these huge three-toed feet? The mother replies, Well, son, when we trek across the desert, your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.A few minutes later, the young camel asks, Momma, why do I have these long eyelashes? They're to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert, replies the mother.Momma, why do I have these great big humps on my back? asks the baby camel. They're to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without eating for long periods, explains the mother.So, we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes and these humps to store fat, the young camel says.That's right, son, says the mother.Then why are we in San Diego Zoo? asks the baby camel.", -"A man accused of theft was appearing before the Judge.Your Honor, his lawyer said, I feel it is very unfair for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in this city only a few days ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he is only able to speak a few words of English.The judge looked sternly at the defendant and asked, How much English do you speak?The defendant looked up and replied, Give me your wallet!", -"A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.The chaplain approached him and asked, Do you have any last requests?Yes, replied the murderer. Would you hold my hand?", -"There was a blond walking down the street, and she saw an empty coke can on the floor. So she picked it up and handed it to lost property.", -"Yo momma so fat, she ate 100 cakes yesterday and got thinner.", -"A man was sailing down the river amazon in a canoe, when he was hit by a poison dart. He woke up some time later in a cage, surrounded by a tribe chief and his minions. The chief said You have been tresspassing on our tribes private property. You will be doomed to death by ravens pecking out your insides. However, if you pass our 2 tests, you will be allowed to go. The first of which is a test of courage, of bravery, of strength. You must go into the first tent, and there you will find a lion, a lion with a thorn in its paw. The second challenge is one of compassion, thought and love. You must shag the 10 most beautiful ladies of our tribe. Now, let the challenges begin...The man goes into the tent and at first, there is much roaring and howling, but eventually it calms down. Then the man comes out and says That's the first challenge done! Now where are those 10 beautiful ladies who I must pull thorns out of their paws?", -Chapstick is selling a new product in England. It is the regular Chapstick with Viagra added to the formula. Englishmen like it because it helps them keep a stiff upper lip., -"Pirate Blackbeard's ship license had expired so he went into the shipping license office and got a new one, but on the new one he needed an updated photo of himself. So, Pirate Blackbeard went into the photographer's room and asked to have his photo taken. The photographer obliged and said, Ok, please pose front on and took a photo. He need to take another photo so he asked Blackbeard to Please Poseidon!", -Jack and Jill went up the hillto have a quiet smoke.Jack returned with lung cancerand Jill a fatal stroke., -A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. I win! said Johnson. Henderson threw down his cards. That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!! How can you tell? Phillips asked. Those aren't the cards I dealt him!, -"A cowboy entered a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, I'll have a shave and a shoe shine, please.The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.Young lady, the cowboy said, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that at all, she replied.No problem, the cowboy said, just tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference.You tell him, she said. He's the one shaving you.", -"If four people are standing under an umbrella and the umbrella has a hole in it, how many people are getting wet?None. It wasn't raining!", -"When you have a fat friend, there are no seesaws, just catapults.", -"It was a very hot day in Minnesota. Inga finished hanging up the wash, put dinner in the oven and headed downtown to do some errands.Gootness, it's hot, she mused to herself, as she walked down Main Street.As she passed by a tavern, she thought, Vy nodt? So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.Ya know, Inga said, it is so hodt. I tink I'll have myself ze coldt beer.Anheuser Busch? asked the bartender.Blushing, Inga replied, Vell, tanks, und how's yer pecker?", -"A proud father brought home a swing set he had just purchased for his children and immediately began to assemble it while all the neighborhood children anxiously waited to play on it.After several hours of reading the assembly instructions and trying to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.The old-timer came over, tossed the directions away, and had the set completely assembled in a short period of time.It's beyond me, the father said, how you managed to get it all put together without even reading the directions.To tell the truth, replied the old-timer, I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think.", -"During a dinner party, the hosts' two small children entered the dining room naked and proceeded to parade slowly around the table.Embarrassed, the parents pretended nothing was happening and continued to converse with their guests. The guests co-operated and also carried on as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening.After they finished walking all around the room, the children left.As the children disappeared from sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, See, I told you, it IS vanishing cream!", -"One Christmas, a parent decided that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother did not receive acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.However, things were different the following year.The children came over in person to thank me, the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.How wonderful! the friend exclaimed. What do you think caused the change in their behavior?Oh, that's easy, the grandmother replied. This year I didn't sign the checks.", -"Now, as we don't have enough parachutes for all of us...Of course that's not a mountain in front...isn't it?That's not meant to happen!What dy'a mean were not meant to be going to Iraq?Things you don't want to see on an aeroplane:Fire engines and ambulances surounding the runway when you come in to land.Armed soldiers and tanks surrounding the runway when you come in to land.The wing fall off.", -"What you don't want to hear on an aeroplane:You can't leave us now Captain, not at this stage!", -"Nick's Grandma gave him a map to her house. The address was 1767 Old Miffs Road.Nick traveled till he got to Old Miffs road. He didn't pay attention to the sign and thought he was lost.He stopped at a woman's house and she opened the door. Why hello there! the woman said. Nice to see you, Nick.Nick couldn't hear her, so he asked Do you know where 1767 Old Miffs Road is?You're here, she said, but Nick still couldn't hear her.He went to a different house down the road. He asked Do you know where 1767 Old Miffs Road is?Yes, it's right there.This isn't Old Miffs Road!Pay attention to street signs.", -"A man was sitting in a plane when another man sat down in the seat beside him. The new fellow was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.Hey, pal, what's the matter? the first fellow asked.I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California, he answered nervously. They have riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country ... Wait a minute, the first fellow said. I've lived in L.A. all my life and I can assure you it's nowhere near as bad as the media reports. Find yourself a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world.The second fellow stopped shaking for a moment and replied, Thank God. I was worried to death! If you live there and say it's all right, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?Me? replied the first fellow. I'm tail gunner on a bread truck.", -"The once was a lung doctor waiting outside a patient's room of who she didn't know. A different doctor came up to her with a shot canister and said 'I need you to go in the and draw blood from this guy' 'Ok, simple!' she responded. She walks in the room and there strapped down to the table was a big muscley guy who was in there for taking drugs.' He sits there struggling to get out. The wrist bands look as if they're about to break. The lung doctor storms out of there and spots the doctor. She says 'Ok if you want to get a needle stuck and play hostage today that's fine. But there's no way in hell I'm going in there and sticking that hulk with a needle' She hands him the shot canister and walks away. Under his breath he says 'Crap now who should i ask..?'", -"Carole was planning her upcoming wedding and asked to wear her mother's wedding gown. When she tried it on, it was a perfect fit on her petite frame.Suddenly, her mother's eyes filled with tears. Putting an arm around her, Carole lovingly said, Don't cry, Mom. Remember, you aren't losing a daughter, you're gaining a son.Oh, it's not that, her mother sobbed. I used to fit into that gown!", -Why is it dangerous to go in the jungle after 5 p.m? Because elephants jump out of trees after 5 p.m. Why do beavers have flat tails? Because they go in the jungle after 5 p.m!, -"Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.Who is that man? a passenger asked the ship's captain. Why is he so upset?I have no idea, the Captain replied, but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy.", -"An old Indian is standing on the corner, when an attractive young woman passes by. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says, Chance!The same thing happens several days in a row. The woman walks past and the old Indian raises his hand and says, Chance!Finally, she can't ignore it any longer, so she stops and asks, You're an Indian, aren't you?The Indian nods.She says, I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting.The Indian replies, Already know 'how'. Just want 'chance'.", -"A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. How much do they run? he asked the clerk.That depends, said the salesman. They run from $2.00 to $2,000.Let's see the $2.00 model, he said.The clerk put the device around the man's neck. You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket, he instructed.How does it work? the customer asked.For $2.00 it doesn't work, the salesman replied. But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!", -Is the reason they make oriental flavored noodles for Americans to get back at them for eating our dogs?, -"SupermarketA new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma ofbacon and eggs frying.The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.Though I do have to say... I don't buy my toilet paper there.", -"On Cows and GovernmentFEUDALISMYou have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milkPURE SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.FASCISMYou have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.PURE COMMUNISM You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.RUSSIAN COMMUNISMYou have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.DICTATORSHIPYou have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.SINGAPORE DEMOCRACYYou have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment.MILITARIANISMYou have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.PURE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACYYou have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.AMERICAN DEMOCRACYThe government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair Cowgate.BRITISH DEMOCRACYYou have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.BUREAUCRACYYou have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.ANARCHYYou have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.HONG KONG CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.ENVIRONMENTALISM You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.FEMINISM You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.TOTALITARIANISM You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.POLITICAL CORRECTNESS You are associated with two differently-aged bovines of non-specified gender.COUNTER CULTURE Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. Far out! Awesome!SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.JAPANESE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about who you're giving the milk to.EUROPEAN FEDERALISMYou have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job.EASTERN EUROPEAN DEMOCRACYYou have two cows. You sell the milk at a high price to the neighbors or to anyone at the open-air market. If somebody asks for receipt, you charge for a two times higher price, so nobody will request an invoice. For concerned families with small babies you claim that the milk is bio, though you collect the grass for feeding at the side of the highway and you keep the milk in plastic barrels used previously as containers of dangerous chemicals. Later, your neighbor or anybody from town will steal the cows and will buy their meat for a high price, and if you ask for a receipt, you will be charged for a two times higher price.FINNISH SOCIALISMYou have two cows. Soon you have to kill one of them because in the Netherlands there is an overproduction of milk and the European Union rules say so. When you do so, you realize that it was not necessary, only the system was too slow in getting you the up-to-date news. From the stress, you get an ulcer in your stomach so you go to a doctor. The doctor realizes that this ulcer is a serious one, so you need an urgent treatment. Therefore, you soon get a call to the local hospital. The call's date is for 3 months later, because there is a queue with more urgent cases. Then your ulcer becomes even more serious because you remember that 40 percent of your income is taken for social tax.", -Yo mama so dirty that she was banned from a sewage facility because of sanitation worries!, -"The gas station was located on a main highway leading to the beach so the pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to fill up.When a rusty old station wagon containing a very tired looking couple and seven screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants.Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours or is this a picnic?Wearily, the driver relied, Yes, they are all mine, and it is NO picnic!", -"A detachment of paratroopers was practicing in a rural area. One jumper landed on the property of an old mountain man and his very large family.One of the kids saw the chute floating down and yelled out to his father, Pa, bring your shotgun. The stork is bringing 'em full grown now!", -"The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?No, lady, not yet; I'll let you know, he replied, time after time.The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the brakes, pulled over and called out, This is where you get out, lady.Is this Oriskany Falls?YES! he bellowed. Get out!Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny, she explained sweetly. It's just that my daughter told me that when we got to Oriskany Falls, it'll be time take my blood pressure pill.", -"The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.Astonishing! the truck driver said to the crew chief. What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?The crew chief said, Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.", -With what kind of bread do elves make their sandwiches?Shortbread!, -"Two young cowboys - aged six and four - walked into the pretend bar for a drink.The older cowboy thumped his fist on the pretend bar and said to the pretend bartender, Bartender, gimme a rye whiskey!The younger cowboy was not to be outdone. Yeah, and make mine a whole wheat!", -"A farmer and his friend were leaning on a fence chatting.Suddenly, the local Game Warden showed up and insisted on checking the farmer's property and, in particular, a certain field. The farmer refused to allow him access to the field but the Warden insisted he had the right, saying, I'm the Game Warden and I have a card! This card allows me to go in. Before the farmer could stop him, the Warden was off into the field.Soon, a horrifying scream pierced the air and the Warden, being chased by a massive bull, reappeared running for his life. Help, help! he cried.The farmer shouted back, Show him your card! Show him your card!", -"A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful.For example, the judge said, when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket, then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom.When the judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, Why so much urgency for your watch? Don't you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?What? exclaimed the judge. I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?I gave it to the first one, replied his wife, after all, he knew exactly where it was.", -"A woman was suing a man for defamation of character, charging that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.After the trial, he asked the Judge, Does this mean that I can't call Miss Stuart a pig? The Judge said that was accurate.Does this also mean that I can't call a pig 'Miss Stuart'? the man asked. The Judge told the man that he could indeed call a pig 'Miss Stuart' with no fear of legal action.The man then turned to Miss Stuart and said, Good afternoon, Miss Stuart!", -"A lawyer was reading a wealthy man's will to the people mentioned in it.To my wife Claire, who stood by me through the rough times as well as the good, I leave you the house, the cars and $5 million.The lawyer continued, To my daughter Sarah, who took care of me during my illness and kept my company going, I leave you the yacht, the business and $2 million.The lawyer concluded, And, to my cousin Phil, who always hated me, argued with me, was envious of me, and thought I would never mention him in my will ... well, you're wrong. 'Hi, Phil!'", -"And God created woman and she had three breasts. God then asked the woman, Is there anything you would like to have changed?Yes, the woman replied. Could you get rid of this middle breast?And so it was done.Holding the third breast in her hand, the woman exclaimed, What can be done with this useless boob?And God created man.", -365.25 days on a low-calorie diet - 1 lite year, -Clones are people two., -"This will make your computer A LOT faster, and it is REALLY EZPZ! The thing is, most ppl lack the knowlege to use it. 1.Go to the START menu2. Click My Computer3. Right click 4.Click Format5. Click Yes6. Repeat on , then , then 7. TA DA!FTR, if you do this, you will completely erase everything on your computer", -"A radical feminist gets on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.Here we go again, she thinks to herself. Yet another man attempting to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat, and she pushes him back onto the seat.A minute passes and the man tries to get up again. She's insulted again and refuses to allow him to get up.This happens several times over the next few minutes.Finally, the man pleads, Lady, please, you have to let me get up. I'm already a couple of miles past my stop!", -"Father O'Malley has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, he decides to take a vacation. He's never been married and is curious about what Americans endure in everyday life, so he decides to go to the States before it's too late.He hops on a Nevada bound plane and arrives at the airport in Las Vegas. While he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to hm and exclaims, Elvis! Good Lord, it's Elvis! I always knew you weren't dead, Elvis! How have you been?Father O'Malley looks at her and says, Get outta me face. Can you not see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a bit like him. He then moves on to his taxi waiting outside. He hops in the cab and is a little upset, so he tells the cabby, Take me to my hotel and step on it.The cabby turns and says, Sure thing, sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I happen to be your number one fan! It's wonderful to see you!Shut up, you imbecile. I am not Elvis! Now turn around and drive! snaps the Father. So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel where Father O'Malley gathers his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter.Oh my Lord! Oh, dear! It's you! screeches the hotel clerk. You're back, Elvis! I always knew this day would come. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complimentary hookers and a full liquor bar! I am so glad to see you're back!Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk, curls his lip and says, Thank you. Thank you very much!", -"When the second grader arrived home from school, she excitedly ran up to her mom and said, Guess what we learned today, mommy? How to make babies.Her mother was more than surprised, but did her best to remain calm. She knew that this day would come, but she had hoped it wouldn't have been so soon. How interesting dear, her mother said. How do you make babies?It's really simple, replied the little girl. All you have to do is change the 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.", -"The teacher asked little Andy if he knew his numbers yet. Yes, teacher, he said, my dad taught me.Good, Andy. Tell me what comes after two, the teacher said. Three, replied Andy.Very good. What comes after five, Andy? asked the teacher. Six, answered Andy.Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten? the teacher asked.A jack! replied Andy.", -"Having just graduated from Harvard, the young man was very excited thinking about his future. Getting into a taxi, the driver says to him, How are you on this beautiful, sunny day?I'm the class of 2006. I just graduated from Harvard and I'm very excited about getting out there and seeing what the world has in store for me!The driver shakes the young man's hand and replies, Congratulations, young man. I'm George, class of 1968.", -"One day, during math class, the teacher asked Little Johnny, If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many would you have?Seven, replied Johnny.No, Johnny. Listen carefully this time. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many would you have? asked the teacher.Seven! insisted Johnny.Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples, two apples and another two apples, how many would you have? the teacher asked.Six, Johnny answered.Good, Johnny, that's right, said the teacher. Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many would you have?Seven! Johnny said.Johnny, how on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits would be seven? asked the baffled teacher.Easy. I already have one rabbit at home now! Johnny replied.", -"The social studies teacher had just completed a lesson on war and peace.How many of you, the teacher asked, would say you're opposed to war?Not surprisingly, every student in the class raised their hand.Who would like to give us their reason for being opposed to war? asked the teacher. Little Johnny, sitting at the back of the class, immediately raised his hand.Johnny, what is your reason? the teacher asked.I hate wars, explained Johnny, because wars make history, and I hate History!", -"A well-endowed university student was always being teased by her sorority sisters for being a size 36DD.One night, at a fraternity party, a young man asked her what she would like to drink.I'll have a diet soda, please, she replied.Oh, you must be the double D, he said.Furious, the girl wondered which one of her so-called friends had divulged such personal information.And just what do you mean by that? she snapped.Confused by her angry response, the man stammered, You know, the designated driver.", -"The teacher told her students they would start their day with the Pledge of Allegiance, instructing them to place their right hand over their heart and repeat after her.As she began to recite the Pledge, she looked around the room and noticed that Little Johnny hand his hand over the right cheek of his behind.Little Johnny, she said, we will not continue until you place your hand over your heart.It is over my heart, Little Johnny replied innocently.She attempted to get Little Johnny to place his hand over his heart several times, all to no avail. Finally, frustrated, she asked, What makes you think that's your heart?Well, whenever Grandma comes to visit, Johnny explained, she picks me up, gives me a couple of pats right here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and I know Grandma wouldn't lie.", -"A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items in front of him. When the class began, he picked up a very large, empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, approximately two inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full and they agreed that it was.Next, he picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.So, he picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He again asked the students if the jar was full. They responded with a unanimous yes.The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.As the laughter subsided, the professor said, Now, I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff.If you put the sand into the jar first, he continued, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the faucet. Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.At that point, one of the students raised her hand and asked what the beer represented.Smiling, the professor replied, I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers.", -"When Little Johnny got his exam paper back, he saw a big red F staring back at him.Billy looked at his glum friend and asked, Why did you get such a low mark on that test?Because of absence, Johnny answered.You mean you were absent on the day of the test? Billy inquired.Little Johnny replied, I wasn't, but the kid who sits next to me was.", -"The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time, so she decided to get his attention. Johnny, she said, if the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?Johnny answered, Thirty-four.The teacher replied, Well, that's not far from my age. Tell me ... how did you guess?Oh, there's nothing to it, Johnny said. My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy.", -"WARNING- this is very racial. Please forgive me if it offends you, but its true when you think about it.Since we have so many Mexicans saying,o we want to serve you americans, work in america...,why dont we just put them in the army. We give them our supplies. They go, jump the border like no manyana and set up base. With all the tanks the Iraqis have, they go and before you notice it they have the wheeles, the tank is up on cinder blocks and they are out of there, just like they do in the city. We have tanks, with guns that turn 360 degrees. 360. So if you think about it, its like a drive by. So lets let all the blacks go in and control the tanks. So we get into Iraq, and we have a drive by. With the increasing of this we can win!", -Yo momma so stupid she copied someone in an exam and got less than them., -"A woman wasn't feeling well, so she asked a co-worker if she could recommend a doctor.I know a very good doctor, but he is quite expensive. He charges $350 for the first visit, and $150 for each subsequent visit, but he really is quite good, replied the co-worker.The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to pull a fast one and save herself some money, she cheerfully announced, I'm back!Not fooled for a moment, the doctor gave her a quick exam and said, Very good; now just continue the treatment I prescribed for you on your last visit.", -"An old hillbilly farmer with a severe case of hemorrhoids visited the doctor. The doctor prescribed some very powerful suppositories and asked the man to come back in a couple of weeks.The old farmer hadn't used suppositories before, and didn't realize they weren't a pill to be taken orally.Two weeks later, the old farmer, in even more discomfort from the hemorrhoids, sees the doctor again. The doctor asks him how the suppositories are working?The old farmer says, For all the good they did me, I might as well have shoved them up my ass!", -"A veterinarian was feeling ill, so he went to see his doctor.The doctor asked all the usual questions ... what symptoms did he have, how long had they been occurring, etc., when the vet interrupted him:Look, doc, I'm a vet and I can't ask my patients these questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking - why can't you? he said smugly.The doctor nodded, stood back and looked the vet up and down. He then quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to the vet, and said, There you go. Of course, you do understand that if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep!", -"A policeman was rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. The doctors operated and informed him that all went well. However, he kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Concerned that there was a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally mustered up the energy to pull his hospital gown down far enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the type that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:-Have a speedy recovery ... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.", -"Well, Jonathan, what are you going to do about the excess weight you're carrying around? the doctor asked.I don't understand it, Doc, Jonathan replied, I just can't seem to lose weight. I must have an overactive thyroid.Jonathan, the tests show that your thyroid is perfectly normal, replied the doctor. It's your fork that's overactive.", -"While his mother was having a consultation with the doctor, Little Johnny could be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room, yet she made no attempt to restrain him.A few minutes later, they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, she casually said to the doctor, I hope you don't mind Little Johnny playing in there.No, not at all, the doctor replied calmly. I'm sure he'll calm down as soon as he finds the poison.", -"We regret to inform you, but by opening this email, you have just received the 'Idiot Computer Virus'.Since our staff does not have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system.Please delete all files from your hard drive immediately, then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.Thank You", -What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?Telling your parents that you are gay., -"The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line.When the guided tour arrived, a salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. This baby here, he said, is the Ultimate Computer. Ask it any question you wish and it will give you an intelligent answer.A smartass stepped forward and asked the computer, Where is my father?Immediately, the electronic gears went to work. Lights flashed, wheels buzzed and within seconds, a small card popped out. The card read, Fishing Off Florida.Ha! laughed the smartass. Actually, my father is dead! That was a trick question.The quick thinking salesman immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps he might like to try rephrasing his question and try again.Ok, the smartass said, where is my mother's husband?Again there was a buzzing of wheels and flashing lights until a small card popped out. The card read, Dead - and your father is still fishing off Florida.", -"When the media askes George Bush a question about the war he says, Uhh, Can I use a life line?", -"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends. - Scott Ostler", -"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was. - Unknown", -"The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen.Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.One student replied: You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building.This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T 2 pi sqroot .Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper.'The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.", -"Lemon GroveA woman was applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove. When the foreman looked over her application, he felt she was far too qualified for the job.Look, Miss Carter, said the foreman, do you have any actual experience in picking lemons?Oh, yes, I certainly do, she replied. I've been divorced four times.", -"When the salesman dropped in to pay a visit to one of his customers, he found the office empty except for a very large dog who was emptying wastebaskets. Rubbing his eyes, he was certain they must have been playing tricks on him.Don't look so surprised, said the dog, after all, this is part of my job.This is amazing! exclaimed the salesman. I can't believe it. Does you boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can actually talk!No, no, the dog pleaded, don't tell him. If he knows I can talk, the next thing you know he'll have me answering the phones too.", -"Read All About It!A newsboy was standing at the corner with a stack of newspapers, yelling, Read all about it! Fifty people swindled! Read all about it!Curious about it, a man walked over and bought a newspaper. After checking the front page and finding nothing, he said to the boy, What are you talking about? I don't see anything in here about fifty people being swindled.The newsboy ignored him and continued, yelling out, Read all about it! Fifty-one people swindled!", -"When the husband arrived home, his wife met him at the door sobbing. He asked her what was wrong.It's the pharmacist, she wailed. He insulted me something awful on the phone this morning. Hearing this, the husband immediately headed downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist cut him off and said, Please, just listen to my side of it.This morning my alarm didn't go off, the pharmacist began to explain, so I was late getting up. Going without breakfast, I rushed out to my car only to realize I had locked the house with both my house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.Then, driving a little too fast, I got pulled over and was given a speeding ticket. Later, about two blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally arrived at the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.I opened the store and began waiting on these people, and all the while the damn phone was ringing off the hook.Taking a breath, he continued, Then, I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins, the phone still ringing off the hook. As I stood up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer. This made me stagger back against a showcase filled with perfume bottles, causing all of them to fall to the floor and break.Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing without letting up. When I finally got to answering it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Believe me sir, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.", -"Two kids were sitting at a lunch table. One was quite a joke-teller, so he started telling a joke he had heard.There are three types of people in this world, he said, those who can count and those who can't.The other kid said, But what about the other type of person?There is no other type! the first kid said, that was the joke!No! You said it wrong! You didn't say what the third type was!That was the joke! TWO TYPES of people in this world! Those who can count, AND THOSE WHO CANT!But you didn't say what the third type was!So, after many hours, the second boy FINALLY understood the joke.", -"A recent college graduate got hired by the human-development center of a large corporation to train the employees in proper dress code and etiquette.One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man who was casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.Dressed a little casually today, aren't we? she said in a scolding tone.That's one of the benefits of owning the company, the man replied with a grin.", -"Are Dogs Welcome?A man wrote a letter to a small hotel located in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.He wrote, I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is very well behaved and well groomed. I would like to know if I would be permitted to keep him in my room with me at night.The hotel owner sent a reply immediately, which said, I have been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I have never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or anything else. I have never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly, nor have I ever had a dog run out on a hotel bill.Yes, indeed, continued his reply, your dog is most welcome at my hotel. Should your dog be willing to vouch for you, you are welcome to stay here too!", -"Collecting UnemploymentOle and Sven worked together and both were laid off, so they headed over to the unemployment office.When Ole was asked his occupation, he replied, Panty stitcher. I sew elastic onto cotton panties.The clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it classed as unskilled labor, so she gave Ole $250 a week unemployment pay.She then asked Sven what his occupation was, and he replied, Diesel fitter.Looking up diesel fitter, the clerk found it classed as skilled labor, so she gave Sven $500 a week.When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double the amount that he was.Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor, the clerk explained.What skill? Ole yelled. I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, 'Ya, diesel fitter'!", -"Salary IncreaseI must have a raise, the man said to his boss. There are three other companies after me.Really? the boss asked. What other companies are after you?The gas company, the telephone company, and the electricity company, the man replied.", -"So I said to the taxi driver, King Arthur's Close.He said, Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights. - Tommy Cooper.", -"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said Is that the local swimming baths?He said, It depends where you're calling from.", -"I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius.Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter. - Tommy Cooper", -It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown - and fewer still to ignore someone completely., -I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else., -"A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light. The guy was a real jerk, demanding, Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!The officer calmly told him of his violation.The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry and pastimes in explicit terms.The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put AH in the corner and then handed it to the man to sign.The man demanded to know what AH meant.The officer said, That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you were such an asshole! and then returned to his cruiser.The violator's bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him. The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don't normally make?Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there's an underlined 'AH.'What does 'AH' stand for, officer?Aggressive and hostile, sir.Aggressive and hostile?Yes, sir.Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for 'asshole'?The officer said. Well, sir, you know your client better than I!", -"A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod - one that did not admit Jews.The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, Sorry, no room. The hotel is full. The Jewish lady said, But your sign says that you have vacancies. The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town...Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, I'll have you know I converted to your religion.The desk clerk said, Oh, yeah? Let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?Mrs. Rosenberg replied, He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.Very good, replied the hotel clerk. Tell me more.Mrs. Rosenberg replied, He was born in a manger.That's right, said the hotel clerk. And why was he born in a manger?Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!", -"Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.I want a baby more than anything in the world, said the first, but I guess it is impossible.I used to feel just the same way, said the second. But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months.Please, tell me what you did.I went to a faith healer.But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit.The other woman whispered, Try going alone next time, dear.", -"Joseph, Mary and their son were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, Did you call me?No, I'm sorry, Joseph replied, I just hit my thumb with the hammer again.", -"A little boy was overheard praying:Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.", -"Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, Convert to Catholicism and get $10.One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, Murray, what's going on?Abe, replies Murray, I'm thinking of doing it.Abe says, What, are you crazy?Murray thinks for a minute and says, Abe, I'm going to do it.With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. So, asks Abe, did you get your ten dollars?Murray looks up at him and says, Is that all you people think of?", -"The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.Your Holiness, said one of the Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand, Have we not, he asked, a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?None that plays golf very well, a cardinal said. But, he added, there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, and then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match.Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored, and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness, said the golfer.Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus, said the Pope.Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.And the bad news? the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.", -"Just before a new redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, Count to ten, and then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up.The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened.He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened.As he plummeted to the ground, he said to himself, I'll bet that truck won't be there either!", -"If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners.After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.", -"Here in the Kentucky hills, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes!Meanwhile, Maw Paw Abner were sitting on the porch swing, talking bout the good old days when Maw spots the biggest bird she has ever seen!Look at the size of that bird, Paw! she exclaims.Paw raises up; Get my gun, Maw.Maw runs into the house, brings out his pump action shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG..BANG..BANG...BANG! The monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the treetops.I think ya missed him, Paw, she says.Yeah, he replies, but at least he let go of old Zeek!", -How can you be sad when you are at the Sunshine Happiness Parade of Friendly Friends?, -"Redneck Threats:- I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtalk style.- This'll jar your preserves.- Don't you be making' me open a can o' whoop-ass on yaw!", -"Ah - The things you see with.Ay-rab - The people who inhabit much of North Africa.Bidness - The art of selling something for more than you paid for it.Bobbycue - A delectable Southern sandwich of chopped pork, coleslaw, and a fiery sauce.Bud - Small feathered creature that flies.Chekatawfarya - Heard at service stations in small Southern towns.Co-Cola - Soft drink.Crine - Weeping.Dawfins - Name of the professional football team in Miami.Doc - A condition caused by the absence of light.Etlanna - The city General Sherman burned during the war for Southern independence.Everthang - All-encompassing.Foller - Spies and private detectives spend a lot of time doing this.Git - To acquire.Goff - A game played with clubs and a little white ball.", -Gull - A young female.Hale - Where General Sherman went for what he did to Etlanna.Moanin - Between daybreak and noon.Motuhsickle - A two-wheeled missile with a powerful engine. Nekkid - To be unclothed.Ovair - In that direction.Own - Instead of awf.Phrasin - Very cold.Sebmup - Soft drink similar to ginger ale.Show - It show is hot today.Spearmint - Something scientist do.Stow - Place where things are sold.Tal - What you dry off with after you take a share.Uhmukin - Someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka.Zackly Precisely., -"Redneck Compliments- Cute as a sack full of puppies.- If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.- Gooder than grits.", -Why is Alabama the smartest state in the U.S.? It has four As and a B., -"One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out, so he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise - out popped a genie.The genie asked, as genies will, What is your first wish? The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, I would like to be rich! So the genie granted him his wish, and - poof - the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command! and - poof - he was there.Then the government worker decided on his third wish; I don't want to do any work ever again! and - poof - he was back in his office!", -People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah?When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who rested to death?, -"Two detectives were investigating a scene, The victims had their hands and head cut off. It's going to be a nightmare identifying the bodies, with no finger prints or faces said one. The other replied, I thought it would be rather easy, how many people do you know walking around with no head or hands?", -Carton of eggs $3Ski mask $14Tickets to a Brittany concert $84Egging the crap out of America's Pop Princess?? PRICELESS, -"An old preacher was just getting out of church and was driving home through his neighborhood. As he was turning the corner of one of the major streets in his neighborhood, he noticed 3 boys playing dice on the sidewalk, and betting money along with it. The old preacher thinks to himself how awful the situation is, that these young children are already heading down the life of sin and he should do something to stop it.The old preacher pulls over and gets out on the opposite side of the street and starts walking over to the boys. He calls out to the oldest looking one and asked the boy to come here so that as he's walking towards the boys, the oldest boy would be walking towards him. When the boy reached him, the old preacher asked him what he was doing.Gambling, sir retorted the boy.Gambling?! How old are you son? asked the preacher.I'm 14.14?! Well if you turn that around, you'll be 41. You'll have reached the middle years of your life, and if you stick to gambling in all that time, you'll have thrown your whole life away. You could have been married, had a successful job, kids, a home, a family, but no. You'll have thought gambling was such a good life. Is that what you want? Did you want to live your life through sin and banished from God's grace?N-n-o sir! wailed the boy.Good lad. Now head on home son. The lord is smiling to find out you've said no to sin the old preacher smiled as the boy went his way down the street.He looked back at the other 2 boys and realized they were still shooting dice. He calls back to the next oldest looking boy and asked him to come closer.You boy, how old are you son? questioned the preacher.I'm 12, sir. answered the boy.12?! Well now look here boy. If you turned that around, you'll be 21. You'll have been at the prime of your life. You'll be halfway through college, seeing a very lovely young lady, talking about starting a family with you. All these big decisions you'll be facing, and you'll have the heart to make them but not if you continue down this destructive gambling path. The colleges will turn down your applications because your credit will be bad, and your young lovely lady friend will leave you because you just can't seem to get your finances in order due to this overwhelming problem of yours. On top of everything the Mighty Lord will be frowning upon your conduct and your choice to live the life of sin. Leave this world behind son. It starts now. Now go on home son! Make the lord proud of you, for his warm smile will be all the coercing you need to leave this life behind.Y-y-yes sir! said the boy, and he went the opposite way down the street towards his home.The preacher thought his work was done for surely the final boy must have heard his words being said to his friend, but sure enough, when the preacher looked back, there he was, still shooting dice and gambling.I don't believe this! he muttered. You boy, come here a second!The other boy walked casually toward the preacher.How old are you son? Let me show you why this gambling life is a bad choice for you.Good mister, cause I'm 11. I'd much like to hear it!", -"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.", -"When a women found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news.One day, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby.Yes, he said. I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it Quits.", -"Happiness doesn't bring money.I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I'm now.The government has at least one problem for every solution.Only the conservatives can make the country like it used to be - a huge swamp full of dinosaurs.Democracy is having freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the thoughtfulness to use neither one.If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't come to yours.", -What do you call a group of Jew baritones and sopranos singing?Soap opera., -"As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring. What happened, Lily? she asked, pointing to the bare finger. The wedding off?Yeah, Lily admitted. I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked so different without his wallet.", -"Back in the days of old,Before condoms were invented,Knights wrapped socksAround their cocks,And babies were prevented.", -"Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness.Has anyone seen my watch?That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.Well, this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie. If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.What do you mean, he's not insured?Let's hurry; I don't want to miss Baywatch.That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!", -"It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid.The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here.", -"An American, wearing Bermuda shorts, T-shirt, and a baseball cap, walks into a caf, chewing on gum. He sits next to this French guy who is trying to enjoy his breakfast and is not in the mood for small talk.The American, aware of the Frenchman's mood, tries to be smart. He sees the man eating a roll with jelly and decides to remark on that.You French people eat the entire roll of bread?! he says in an astonished tone.Yes, replies the Frenchman and resumes eating.Not us, says the American. We only eat the inside and then throw the crust in a container, process it and sell it to the French as croissants.The Frenchman calmly ignores him and continues to eat.Eww... says the American, You eat your bread with that jelly?Yes, says the Frenchman.Not us, says the American, We only eat fresh fruits. Then we throw the peel in a container, process it and sell it to the French as jelly.Really? says the Frenchman, And what do you do with your used condoms?Taken aback, the American says, Uhh... we just throw them away.Not us, said the Frenchman, We throw them in a container, process them, and sell it as gum to the Americans.", -"A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. Jury trial, the defendant replied.Do you understand the difference? asked the judge.Sure, replied the defendant, That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.", -"You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.", -"Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.", -There is only one pretty child in the world and every parent has it. - Chinese Proverb.A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day., -"A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.The husband responded, When we were first married we came to an agreement - I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions.And now, after 60 years of marriage, I can truthfully say that we have never needed to make a MAJOR decision.", -"One way to take care of the world's population.The IRS has reported the disappearance of more than 8 million American children during the late 1980s, caused by tax reform legislation. That number is the total of all children claimed as dependents of beneficiaries of child care tax credits before 1987 but who were never again claimed once the IRS started requiring proof that such children existed.", -"Little four-year-old Jenny was looking at her new baby brother for the first time. He was fast asleep.After staring at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Jenny looked up at her mother and asked plaintively, Didn't he come with batteries?", -"My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die - no amount of talking could change his mind.Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it, and demanded cheerfully, Do it again, Dad!", -"Equal is not always synonymous with the same. Men and women are created equal; but boys and girls are not born the same.1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long, not because they look nice, but because they can dig them into a boy's arm.10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie three times in a row.14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.", -"When a girl needs advice, why can't her brother help her? Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.", -"A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough, a nurse writes. She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally, I said, Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there.The child looked at me and said, I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear.", -"I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.Gregory, 5Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos any more. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.Olive, 9It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.Matthew, 9Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.Mitchell, 7My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.Henry, 8Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!Jack, 6Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.Daniel, 9", -"When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.Reagan, 10Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.Sara, 6Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.Jared, 8All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.Antonio, 9My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.Katelynn, 9Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.Vicki, 8What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.Sarah, 7", -"A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket.Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying.", -Why shouldn't you take a Pokemon in the shower with you?Answer:Because it'll Pikachu! , -"A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed, Now cut that out! I warned you! and threw the group out of the bar.The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, If I've told them once I've told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!", -"It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, You owe me quite a bit on your tab.Sorry, says Pat, I'm flat broke this week.That's okay, says the bartender. I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall.But, says Pat, I don't want any of my friends to see that.They won't, says the bartender. I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid.", -"Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.The bartender asks, Olive or twist?", -"What's the difference between a bird and a fly?Well, a bird can fly . . .", -I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.Sam Goldwyn., -What does the dentist of the year get?..A little plaque., -"How do you know policemen are strong?Because they can hold up traffic.What do termites eat for breakfast?Oakmeal.What do massage therapists eat for dinner?Spa-ghetti.Why were the suspenders arrested?For holding up a pair of pants.How does the queen bee get around her hive?She's throne.What do bees do if they don't want to drive?Wait at the buzz stop.Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, Do you know how to drive this thing? What's the friendliest school? Hi school.What do you give a dog with a fever?Mustard. ", -Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. None. It's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark. Don't worry about me..., -"Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man, and from time to time the young nurse would come in and say in a patronising tone, And how are we doing this morning?Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and had taken the juice off the tray, putting it on his stand. Now, he had been given a urine bottle to fill - the juice was apple juice; you know where the juice went.The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, It seems we are a little cloudy today... At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, and drank the contents, saying, Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time.", -How can a person living in Minnesota be buried in Milwaukee?, -"I passed my ethics exam.Naturally, I cheated.", -"Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like.On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.", -"I've just had the most awful time, said a boy to his friends. First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy.Wow! How did you pull through? sympathized his friends.I don't know, the boy replied. Toughest spelling test I ever had.", -"An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, The parrot I purchased uses improper language.I'm surprised, said the owner. I've not taught that bird to swear.Oh, it isn't that, explained the professor, but yesterday I heard him split an infinitive.", -"Two anthropologists fly to the South Sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent islands and set to work. A few months later one of them takes a canoe over to the other island to see how his colleague is doing. When he gets there, he finds the other anthropologist standing among a group of natives.Greetings! How is it going? says the visiting anthropologist.Wonderful! says the other, I have discovered an important fact about the local language! Watch!He points at a palm tree and says, What is that?The natives, in unison, say Umbalo-gong!He then points at a rock and says, and that?The natives again intone Umbalo-gong!You see! says the beaming anthropologist, They use the SAME word for 'rock' and for 'palm tree'!That is truly amazing! says the astonished visiting anthropologist, On the other island, the same word means 'index finger'!", -"A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. Is it true, he asked, that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?That depends, replied the guide, on how fast you carry the flashlight.", -The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday., -"Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.", -Don't argue with an idiot.He may be doing the same thing., -Do not try to guess your wife's size.Just buy her anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt., -Knowledge cannot enter the head via an open mouth., -Astronomy is looking up., -Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to fine art., -Join the fight against brutality., -"Helen Waite is our credit manager. If you want credit, go to Helen Waite.", -Why isn't there a tax on stuff I DON'T like?, -"I was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....He turned to the crowd of guests and said, Will those who are from the bride's side of the family stand up please? About twenty people stood. Then he asked, Will those who are from the groom's side of the family stand up as well? About twenty five people stood up.Then he smiled and said, Will all those who stood please leave, this is a birthday party.", -"Into town I drove my tank,I was gonna rob a bank.My money was running really low,As I got near I shouted bank ho!Drove a hole right through the wall,Found I was in a shoppin' mall.I 'poligized'n left through the hole.I was definitely not on a roll.I snuck a look at my GPS Blew up a truck labeled HESS.Then I proceeded towards the bank;Oh how dearly I love my tank.Headed towards the Eastern wall,Ran a kid over, like a doll.With a push and a heave, the wall broke.The button fire I got ready to poke. Oh so fun to rob a bank;'cept my hair was pretty lank.Wouldn't believe how hot it was there,Humidity is bad for your hair.Shot down the security,Their defense was very measly.Then I headed towards the main vault,Abruptly my tank came to a halt.Out of gas! I exclaimed.Hopped out but a guard I had maimed,He took out a big gun and shot at me.Ow! I yelled, he laughed tee hee hee hee.Then the guard raised the alarm.Guards came before I could harm,That slug who had blown my secrecy,Gee, isn't this utter ludicrousy?Now I've told you my story;Just brimming with blood and glory.Sadly I never got any money;You're sadistic if you find this funny.", -As a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn.As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn.What do you do? I would get the flock out of there!, -"The following is something actually said by my dad. I wanted to see what my dad would say if I said I might be gay, here was his reaction.YOU'D BETTER NOT BE!! EVEN IF I HAVE TO BUY YOU SOME PUSSY, YOU WILL NOT BE GAY!!!!!!", -Why do they call it PMS?Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.I learned the truth from Lenny Bruce - Paul Simon., -Marble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite., -"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.", -Disinformation is not as good as datinformation., -"ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!", -I learned French in six easy liasons., -"When a man wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to convince him.", -"Earlier today, I took a glimpse at the news. They were doing a report on a new recipe for twinkies. Now they will taste healthier, but still have the same amount of calories, because of course, people can taste health.", -"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.- Pratt Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.", -"Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. - Socrates ", -"The Democratic National Committee finally released thousands of pages of financial disclosure information. Says Vince Vieceli, Unfortunately, they released them from a third-floor balcony in New York during the parade for the Yankees.", -"John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the U.S. Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930's. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals, and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950's at the rank of full colonel.Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what was then Fresno State College His work was well respected, but after about ten years of service, he was called to see the president of the college.He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelor's degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold a doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a favor by letting him keep his job by getting only a master's degree.So John enrolled in a summer program at an out of state college. Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study would get him his MA.On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped when he read John's name. Are you related to the John Kallam who wrote the textbook we'll be using? he asked.I am the John Kallam who wrote the textbook you're using, came the dry response.", -"A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast, and everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However, one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.Why did you do that? the soldier was asked by his superior officer.I know where he lives, came the reply, and he wouldn't have made it.", -"A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner, Do your Shih Tzu dogs breed well?The owner says,Sure they do. After a minute, the man says, with a grin, What about your bull dogs? Yes they breed well, too. The man, happy with this, buys both. The owner asks, Why do you need to know that anyway? The man replies, I'm going to go home and breed a bullshit!", -"Do you want me to give you a knuckle sandwich?Sure, but I want it cut into triangles and with the crust peeled off.", -Seems Paris Hilton is having visits from a speech therapist - she's having trouble finishing a sentence!, -"Grocery List; A piece of paper you spend half an hour writing, and then forget to take with you to the store.", -"Lipstick; On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth.On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear!", -Foreign FilmAny movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western., -BattleWhere a whole lot of white men kill a few Indians.MassacreWhere a whole lot of Indians kill a few white men., -"ManA remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat his back.WomanCreature who acts nice to you because she doesn't like you, or mean, because she does.PeopleSome make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.OptimistGirl who regards a bulge as a curve.PessimistMan who looks for a pink slip before the money in his pay envelope.", -MagazineBunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue., -"A blond man, Mark, was going to France over the summer. So he asked the advice of his friend, who had been to Paris last year.Oh! his friend said, The food in France is fabulous! Be sure to ask about their frog legs.FROG legs? Really? Mark couldn't believe it.Yeah. It seems strange, doesn't it?Mark agreed to ask.A month later, Mark flew to France. He had a wonderful time seeing the sights, and forgot all about his friend's advice until his very last night, right before dinner. He was already seated at a table, and soon a waiter walked up to him to take his order.Well... Mark pondered, I'm not sure what I want. He decided to ask, then and there. Say- do you have frog legs?But of course! replied the waiter, proud of the quality of his restaurant.Mark turned a shade of white. It was true! Are you okay, sir?I'm... fine, Mark said, recovering well, Hop on over and bring me a sandwich!", -"If Henry IV were cloned, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Jr. or, would he be Henry IV Part II?", -"Another Month Ends:All Targets Met,All Systems Working,All Customers Satisfied,All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic,All Pigs Fed and Ready to Fly.", -"If I travelled to the end of the rainbow,As Dame Fortune did intend,Murphy would be there to tell me,The pot's at the other end.", -"An elephant is talking to a hippopotamus, and the elephant says, You know, there's nothing worse than a cold in the nose.The hippo says, Oh yeah? Did you never have chapped lips?", -"Cleanliness is next to GodlinessWhy do they say that?I looked it up in the dictionary, goggles is next to godliness; cleanliness is next to claustrophobia.", -"What sits on a window sill, hums, and dies mysteriously 91 days after you bring it home?- An air conditioner with a 90 day warranty.", -Why do melons get married in church?- Because they cantaloupe., -"There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving.They'd be wrong, but you could still use them.", -Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law -A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead., -"Murphy's Law of Cable TVIf you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.", -"E-Mail Screw-ups.Many Universities, colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the begining or end to make up an e-mail address, i.e. Mary L. Ferguson mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may cause when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses .Some examples follow:Hellen Thomas Eatons eatonshitdku.eduMartha Elizibeth Cummins cumminmefu.eduGeorge David Blowmer blowmegddropdrawers.comMary Ellen Dickinson dickinmeiup.eduFrancis Kevin Kissinger kissinfklvu.eduBarbara Joan Beeranger beeranbjmyplace.comAmanda Sue Pickering aspickerpu.eduIda Beatrice Ballinger ibballinbsu.eduBradley Thomas Kissering btkisserbendover.comIsabelle Haydon Adcock ihadcocktru.comSee what I mean?", -"A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. Pardon me, sir, she says to the store manager, but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers? Well, he replies pointing out one brand, this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll. He grabs another and says, This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll. Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll.Give me the No Name, she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne. Why? he asks.Because it's ROUGH, it's TOUGH and it DON'T TAKE CRAP OFF ANYBODY!", -"Don't you have some laundry to do or something?Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off. You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it? Shouldn't you consult the great Oprah on this one? Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. Whoa, time out. Football is on. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of B%$! flakes this morning!Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.", -Remember the Golden RuleHe who has the gold makes the rules., -"Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it any more.", -"Just when you find something you really like, they stop making it.", -Prudhomme's Law of Window WashingIt's on the OTHER side., -"President Bush toured parts of Missouri that were devastated by a recent tornado.There was one awkward moment, when the President looked at the tornado damage and said, Don't worry, we're going to get whoever did this.", -1. Aquariums Gratitude FISH THANKS!2. Orange Bear A Ghost WINNIE THE BOO!3. Saint Nick A Grizzly Bear Santa Claws!4. Skunk Kangaroo STINK-A-ROO!, -"The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35 mile an hour zone.The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!The magistrate replied, And you'll be what's passing through?", -People who want to inform you of their religious views almost never want to hear yours., -"Anybody can win.Unless, of course, there happens to be a second entry.", -Let not the sands of time get in your lunch., -A person soon learns how little he knows when a child begins to ask questions., -"A business man in Chicago had occasion to write a Japanese friend in Tokyo. Mindful of the Oriental's appreciation of flowery language and of his own duty to the cause of good public relations, he ended his letter with the wish,May Heaven preserve you always.To the delight of the business man's office staff, the Japanese responded with,May Heaven pickle you, too.", -The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it., -"1. All of you, stand in a straight circle.2. I have two daughters, and both are girls!3. Both the three of you get out of the class.4. I saw you with my wife.....in the theatre.5. Open the windows let the Airforce come in.6. Boys go to the right, girls to the left. The rest follow me.7. How dare you look at the monkey outside the window when I'm sitting here!", -All things are possible - except skiing through a revolving door., -"A man woke up in the morning to see that the whole house was all messy. Clothes were all over the room. Coffee beans were spilled on the kitchen floor. Even the house was teepeed with toilet paper.Back in the living room, a note read:Dear Honey,I have gone shopping for a little while. Sorry if I left the house a little messy. I don't know when I'll be back.After reading the note, he calls her.Where are the couch, TV, and coffee machine?Uhh, that's a funny story.She hangs up, and their 23-year old son walks in.Austin! Where is my wife?Oh, that. You drank like crazy and fell asleep. When she was pulling you back to bed, you woke up, punched her, spun her around in the air and threw her in the toilet. She told me she would move after I trashed the place with her.So whose wife was that?", -How can you tell if a redneck is married? There are tobacco stains on both sides of his pickup., -"A 6'4 man hit a midget in the rear while at a red light.The midget gets out of his car and comes up to the man and says, I'm NOT happy! and the man replied, Which one are you, then?", -"Some of the replies given by a group of five to seven year olds from New York State who were asked, How are babies made?Mom makes babies with Dr. Roberts. I dunno how they do it.If a man and a woman love each other very, very much, the woman will grow a baby inside her body.Dad has a carrot that he plants in Mom's cabbage patch. About a year later the baby has been grown.Mom collects the babies from the hospital where they are born somehow.Mom takes a pill every day and it's a baby pill. It makes a baby grow inside her tummy. When it's one year old it comes out of her and cries.Mom and Dad are happy together and then a baby comes along.The father gives the mother plenty of money. If he gives her enough, she goes out and gets a baby.To have a baby you go on a special diet and eat spinach and coal and stuff. Then you get real fat and that's the baby inside you. When you are so fat, the doctor cuts you open and gets the baby.", -"As most young, weak, and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just made his life downright miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he figured out what would get them back, he went all out.He was on the bus where he normally got his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth making it obvious to the rest of the kids as possible by making yum yum noises.The bully, without asking, snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?Well, they're smart pills.Smart pills? the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. Pweeuuweppblahhh! he reacted. What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop! See? You're getting smarter already!", -"It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic car-maker, Henry Ford.Mr. Ford, announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry.Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. We would like to demonstrate it to you in person. After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black car that was parked in front of the building.Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. Please step inside Mr. Ford.What? shouted the tycoon, are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!It is, smiled the youngest brother, Max, but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button.Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool!This is amazing! exclaimed Ford. How much do you want for the patent?Norman spoke up. The price is one million dollars. Then he paused, And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo.Money is no problem, retorted Ford, but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One and one half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off. However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel:HI NORM MAX", -"A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is asked to make a statement. Okay, Phillips, says the investigator, you were near the scene - what happened?Well, it's like this. Old Fred Wilson was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up.He was smoking in the mixing room? the investigator said in stunned horror, How long had he been with the company?About 20 years, sir.Twenty years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room! I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done.It was, sir.", -Yo Momma so heavy that she sank the Titanic.Yo Momma so stupid that she came up to George Bush and called him gay and Hitler 2.Yo Momma so old that she saw Abraham Lincoln die.Yo Momma so slow that she was mistaken for a rock.Yo Momma so stupid that she thinks she's a man!Yo Momma so weak that when she walks into a bar they have to feed her like a baby!, -"There was a king who was memorizing a script to tell everyone in the land that everyone got free chocolate. But really it was filled with poison to kill them all. A guard walked by and said in a whisper, Remember it is filled with poison, but do not say it is filled with poison. Understand? The King responded, Yes, I do.The king was deaf in one ear so he often times missed what people say.He walked up to the microphone. He said, I know you all love delicous chocolate. So I've decided to give you all special gift. Who want's to know? Everyone hollered out I do! So the king hollered, Okay then! Free Poisonous Chocolate for all!", -"A busdriver was driving 50 kids to camp. They were passing a big deep lake that was beautiful and cyan. One kid asked the nice busdriver, Can we go in that lake? The busdriver replies sure. can you swim? The kids say, Yes but only in very, very shallow water. The busdriver never saw this lake before, he thought it was shallow.People nearby were stunned to see a bus full of kids turn and drive right into the lake.", -"My friend works in a post office. One day, a man handed ten postcards to my friend and ask her to put them in the mailbox. She noticed that they had all been addressed but none of them contained a message, so she asked the man why the postcards nothing written on them. The man said, I told everyone that I'd send postcards, but I didn't say I'd write a message.", -The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.- W. C. Fields., -My grandson is four and can recite the whole Gettysburg Address. Abraham Lincoln couldn't do it until he was fifty-four.- Sam Levenson., -Quick - Cheap - GoodPick 2.- Dennis Robertus., -America is a land of untold wealth.- Internal Revenue Service., -"There was a boy who never, ever lied. He always told people the truth and/or his opinion. Like when he broke a glass vase, he said that he broke it. He was rewarded a few days later for telling the truth, even though he was grounded.One day a lady asked him, What do you think of my dress? It cost me thousands of dollars.The boy replied, That is the most stupid dress I have ever seen in my life, and will haunt me in my afterlife! It's more terrible than a fifty-year old swine that was drowned in mud when it was three! I think you should go back to the garbage disposal and feed it to a goat! He said all that truthfully.After he said that, the lady called 911 and he went to juvenile hall.", -"One day, a customer walked into a pet shop and told the clerk, I need two small, gray mice and about five dozen roaches. Puzzled, the shop attendant asked the reason for this strange request.Well, I'm moving out of my apartment and my lease told me that I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them.", -"There was a magical mirror that showed the prettiest and ugliest people in the world. The mirror said that May Honzirop was the prettiest and the ugliest was Shakira Hobo. May was going to go in front of millions of people to get a Guinness world record.The mirror said, the day before May went on stage, I think you'll brag about all your success and just become unpopular again.May replied, SHUT UP, YOU STUPID MIRROR! I WILL THROW YOU AWAY AFTER I'M DONE!It was the next day. She was on stage with Shakira Hobo. She announced, Now the mirror will choose the prettiest and the ugliest people.The mirror was still upset, but decided to answer anyway.The mirror announced to about 25 million people, The prettiest person is Shakira Hobo, and the ugliest is May Honzirop, and that is the truth!Everyone laughed at May. The mirror said, Payback!A minute later, May was pelted with tomatoes.", -"One day Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.Johnny's face grew serious and he said, You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!", -"Three gay guys where swiming in a pool, some white stuff floats to the top, and one of the gay guys screams, Alright, who farted!", -What is a Mexican's favorite sport!? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Cross Country, -"A New Yorker, a redneck and a Mexican go in to the bathroom, and start to wash. The Mexican and the New Yorker start to wash their hands.The Mexican says, At my school they taught me to use a paper towel to dry your hands, so they get dry.The New Yorker says, My teacher told me to use the dryers, so we save trees.At that time, the red neck finishes his 'business', and right before opening the bathroom door, the Mexican said, Gross, man, you did not wash your hands!The redneck says, Well, my teacher taught me to not piss on my hands.", -"Yo momma is so poor, she hangs the toilet paper out to dry!", -What do you call a woman with no asshole? Divorced., -"(A continuation of Joke 7939Idiot 9- - - - - -A woman called the cops from her house and said, My ex-boyfriend stole my pot! So the police went to the ex-boyfriends house, took the marijuana, and arrested him. The same officer went to the woman's house and asked her to identify if it was her pot. She confirmed it was hers, and was taken away in the police car.", -It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.- Abraham Lincoln., -Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Alva Edison., -"A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be?I always say, How to Build a Boat.- Steven Wright.", -Do you like the new car Alice and I just bought? Tom asked onerously., -"The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes, answered the patient. You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there; so I really need your help. What can I do? The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, Pay me in advance.", -"Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. Don't worry, my husband reassured me. I'll have him trained in no time.I watched for several days as my husband patiently trained our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.", -Why shouldn't you tell a secret around a clock? Because time will tell., -Want to hear a really big joke?JOKE!, -Want to hear a backwards joke?ekoj, -"There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks. He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk. The cat starts to stumble home, and when he came to the train tracks, he didn't notice a train coming down the tracks. As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned his head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated. The moral of the story don't lose your head over a piece of tail!", -What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?A cock that stays up all night!, -"A guy in sitting in a bar hving a drink. All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him, licks its finger and sticks it in the guys ear. The guy's a little annoyed, but doesn't say anything. The next thing he knows, the alien does it again. this time the guy tells him to quit. Five minutes later, it happens again. This time he yells at him to stop. Ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear. Finally, he jumps up and screams, If you don't quit I'm gonna rip your balls off!. the alien thinks about it for a second, and does it again. The guy jumps up, pulls its pants down, but there was nothing there! In frustration he asks, How do you screw?! the alien smiles and sticks his finger in the guys ear.", -"The next time you are having a bad day, imagine this:You are a Siamese Twin.Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay.You are not.He has a date coming over tonight.You only have one ass.", -What's the differance between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?The Taste..., -"There was a man and a woman and they lived on a farm. They owned two horses, but they could not tell the difference between them!One day, the man painted a yellow stripe on the tail of one of the horses. When winter came, and the yellow had washed out from all the rain, the man and woman were left to stand there next to each other, staring at the horses.After two minutes of staring, the woman finally said, I've got it! The black horse is taller than the white horse!", -Did you hear about the eyeglasses maker who moved his shop to an island off Alaska and is now known as an optical Aleutian?, -What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge., -"Four gay guys walk into a gay bar and they find a problem. There's only one stool left. One guy says Lets flip for it But another says No, Lets flip it over", -"So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey. Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn. I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in? I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time? If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works! Have you considered suing your brains for non-support? Don't you need a license to be that ugly? I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead. If you had another brain, it would be lonely.", -"Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The nun answered, That would be good, but I'd be uneasy about purchasing it. The 1st nun said she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.The cashier had a surprised look on her face, so the nun said, This is for washing our hair. Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, Here, don't forget the curlers.", -"1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags under your eyes over your head.2. When the professor calls out your name during attendance, you rhythmically cry out In da' house! 3. Your dirty laundry has become the closest thing to wall-to-wall carpeting.4. Every study group you join gets fed up with your need to take a break for techno and grinding.5. All your stories begin with, I was so wasted... 6. Your Native American name would've been Man of Running Body Fluids. 7. You refer to sunlight as a that bright shit.8. You look forward to the weekdays as a time to relax.9. Whenever you see a blinking Do Not Walk sign, you think how great it would look if you were on ecstasy. 10. All your stories end with, ...and that's when everything got blurry.", -"Knock, Knock Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, silly! Cows go moo!", -"There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties. One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour. So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up. One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. Eeew!, What was your cave like asked the other ant. It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky replied the ant. So how was your cave ?. Well he said, It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me.", -"In the hospital, a nurse is asking an old man what is his weight. The man is unsure about his weight so the nurse suggests that it is better if he check his weight now. He goes to the weighing scale and stands on it, then he goes back to the nurse. The nurse let him fill the form by himself. After he fills it, he gives it back to the nurse.When the nurse reads his weight, she is surprised that the man wrote, 82 kg - with glasses, there. The nurse asks the man, Why must you write 'with glasses' there? I only ask for your weight. Why don't you write down your weight without the glasses?Because I can't read the scales and write without my glasses, the man replied.", -"A Welsh girl called Gwyneth visited Japan recently. There, people had problems pronouncing her name so she became Gwyniss. Everywhere she went, she was greeted with tremendous respect. At a farewell reception, her host said, We've been so excited to have a famous author in our midst. What am I supposed to have written? she asked, baffled.Why, The Gwyniss Book of Records.", -"A boy of 6 years old never pays attention to his pant's zipper...which is always being left open. Because of this his mother often gets angry.One day some of his relatives plan to visit their city, so his mother advised him that whenever she tells him to close the Eiffel Tower, it means that he has to close his zipper.His relatives arrive, and after some time, the boy asked his aunti, Aunti, why did you come here?His aunti answered, Dear boy, we came here to see the Eiffel Tower.The boy said in great excitement, pointing towards his zipper, But aunti, the Eiffel Tower is closed.Aunti replied, My boy, that is the small Eiffel Tower. I came here to see big one.The boy answered politely, Aunti, then I will have to call my dad.", -Your phone's network is changing plan.The uglier you are the cheaper your calls.From now on all your calls will be free., -"In several places on your tax forms, he's written, Give or take a million dollars. Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures. You notice that his calculator is just a broken VCR remote. Insists that there's no such number as four. He laughed at the Bob Dole background check. Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents. Advises you to save postage by filing your taxes telepathically. Instead of C.P.A. license, he's got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek. Demands that you call him the Una-Countant. He's got a 1040 Form tattooed on his arm.", -"For year's years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests. So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law... Guarded them very carefully, And always wore a bra. After 30 years of careful care, The Doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump. Stand up very close, she said, as she got my tit in line, And tell me when it hurts, she said, Ah yes!There! Thats just fine. She stepped upon a pedal... I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down... My Boob was in a vice!! My skin was stretched'n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squashed To Swedish pancake thin!! Excruciating pain I felt, Within its vice-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit! Take a deep breath, she said to me. Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is smashed in her machine, I can't breathe and woozy I am getting. There, that was good, I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying, Now lets get the other one, Lord, have mercy, I was praying. It squeezed me from the up and down, It squeezed me from both sides, I'll bet she's never had this done to her tender little hide! If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now... If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped-Ker-Pow!! This machine was made by man, Of this I have no doubt... I'd like to get his balls in there, For months he'd go WITHOUT!!", -"Number of physicians in the US 700,000 Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year 120,000. Accidental deaths/physician 0.171 Number of gun owners in US 80,000,000 Number of accidental gun deaths/year 1500 Accidental deaths/gun owner .0000188 Conclusion - Doctors are approximately 9000 times moredangerous than gun owners!", -"Bar Translations 1. YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME. 2. I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU. 3. HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS? 4. CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL. 5. CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL. 6. EVER TRY A BODY SHOT? 7. EVER TRY A BODY SHOT? 8. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME. 9. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME. 10. WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND? 11. EXCUSE ME. 12. EXCUSE ME. 13. EXCUSE ME. 14. EXCUSE ME. 15. WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP? 16. CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN? 17. CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN? 18. THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR. 19. CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER? 20. I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME. 21. I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME. ", -"You might be a teacher if you have an overwhelming urge to nod and say, Now I understand why your kid is the way he/she is, after meeting the parents.", -"Why was the moron hitting his head against the wall?Because it felt so good when he stopped !What do you call 12 morons at the bottom of a pool?An air pocket!Why did the moron drive his truck off the bridge?He wanted to check his airbrakes!How many morons does it take to screw in a light bulb?3...one to hold the bulb, and 2 to turn the chair!Why did the moron open the refrigerator door?He wanted to see the salad dressing!How do you confuse a moron?Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner!", -"How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike? You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back.", -"50 FUN THINGS TO DO ON FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL:1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, Quite right, old bean!2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond that's my name, don't wear it out!6. Introduce yourself to the class as the master of the pan flute.7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.13. Sing your questions.14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry.16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters CHECK YOUR FLY.20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.22. Address the professor as your excellency.23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.24. Shout WOW! after every sentence of the lecture.25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.26. Ask whether you have to come to class.27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.28. Bring a seeing eye rooster to class.29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay? Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.31. Watch the professor through binoculars.32. Start a wave in a large lecture hall.33. Ask to introduce your invisible friend in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream AAAGH! MY EYES!35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream IMPOSTER!40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write Signup Sheet 5 at the top, and start passing it around the room.42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for stud.44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, Can you spell that?45. Disassemble your pen. Accidently propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.", -"DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third- degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol to Ken's head and fired.3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. I didn't think he was going to eat it, the dancer identified only as Ginger said, adding He was really drunk.4 - In February, according to police in WINDSOR, ONT., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.5 - MOSCOW, Russia -A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. 6 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:1. The target was HJ Leather Firearms... a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.AND THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS..... THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA.Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.and the add-on - perhaps a distant runner-upVermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of Crazy Glue ... the hard way. Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger. Sally hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank, said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino's buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of liquid rhino offal. It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear, said Douglass. I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while. Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo, commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.", -"What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?Gucci sweats and Reeboks.And where was the location of the accident?Approximately milepost 498.And where is milepost 498? Probably between milepost 498 and 500.Did you blow your horn or anything?After the accident?Before the accident.Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?Yes.Did the defendant say anything when she got out of the car?Yes, sir.What did she say?What disco am I at?", -"A man was walking along the beach when he saw bottle. Curious, he picked it up and was wiping the sand off it when out came a genie. I will grant you three wishes, said the genie.The man couldn't believe it. First, I want ten million dollars in a Swiss bank account. Poof! The genie handed the man a piece of paper with his account information on it.Next, I want to be the smartest man in the world. Poof! The man instantly became smart.Now, I want to be irresistible to women.Poof! The man was changed into a huge box of chocolates.", -"It was the first day of school and I had gotten a serious scrape on my knee so I asked my friend Jesse to write down notes for me while I went to the nurse. Now, it was the first day of school and there were no notes written on our notebooks and neither of us had written our names on them, so when I came back the next and asked him to give me back my notebooks, he couldn't tell which was mine and which was his, so we both decided that we'd take either one. Near the end of the school year Jesse got in trouble for stealing my notebook. After he got in trouble I asked him why he stole my notebook. He showed me a small note on the back of what we had thought was his notebook that had been written on the back as a joke saying, Don't tell anyone, but this is my notebook, with a picture of me taped next to it. The date on the picture, August 8.", -"There's a fella in a fast-food outlet, and he's just received his order of 7 hot-dogs, 9 Big Macs and 6 large Cokes.The counterhand says, Would you like a tray?The customer replies, Steady on, haven't I got enough to carry already?", -"Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen, she lay in eager anticipation the lovely breakfast her helpful, caring children were making for her.However, after a good long wait, she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.As a surprise for Mother's Day, one explained, we decided to cook our own breakfast.", -"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction New Vaccine May Contain RabiesTwo Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Farmer Bill Dies in House Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board", -"If you are in darkness, then pray to God.If you are still in darkness, then go and pay your electricity bill......", -"You might be a redneck if . . . you have been married three times and you still have the same in-laws, You think TACO BELL is a Mexican Phone Company, Your house still has theWIDE LOAD sign on the back, You think Possum isThe Other White Meat, You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall ofthe mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.", -"Things not to say to a policeman . . .- Care for a doughnut?- Met your quota? Happy now?- Before you arrest me, maybe Mr. George Washington could change your mind.- You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?- I want your badge number and your superior officer's name, NOW.- Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?- Want to race to the station, Sparky?- I bet your wife really likes these handcuffs?- Hey, you must' a been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far behind I am.- Let's not forget who pays your salary hare!- Are you Andy ar Barney?- Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just happy to see me?- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.- You fascists always pick on us criminals.- Oh God. It's about the body, isn't it?- Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.- You're gonna have to speak up. This is my favorite song.- Thanks, officer! The cop yesterday only gave me a warning, too!- What seems to be the officer problem?", -"Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning.He got to thinking about things, and asked, Mommy, why does Daddy have so little hair on his head?He thinks a lot, dear, replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a such good answer to her husband's baldness.Then why do you have so much hair? asked Little Johnny.", -"Get to the ledge of the plane.Then, you will do the following:1.Squat2.Pray3.Leap4.AHHHH! 5.TouchdownYes sir, thats S...P...L...A...TIn other words,SPLAT!", -"A furniture dealer from Knoxville, Tennessee, decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris , he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Tennessee.To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian woman came to his table, asked him something in French , and motioned toward the chair.He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.", -Just when you are finally happy with your life and eveything going on in your life....You get married and ruin it!, -"Hey, pal! Buddy, friend, mate, amigo!I've just heard that I won first prize in a competition!It's a ten-day holiday for me and five others to Disney World!So I was wondering, if you're not doing anything next Wednesday, if you couldput my garbage can out for collection!", -"Of course I know what I'm doing!Trust me.Say, what happens if I press this?Stop being so negative!I'm perfectly fine. Really.Do you smell something burning?It's not that poisonous. Look, if I eat some first will you try it?See? Told you I wasn't afraid of heights!You know, bears are really very social creatures. That one over there is smiling at me!I think this is what they said to do. At any rate, I guess we'll see soon!No! Why would I need to read some silly instructions?Just wondering - what does skull and cross-bones mean? Did this bottle belong to pirates? It did taste kind of odd.", -I saw this sign in a bar a few years ago.A camel can go eight days without a drink -but who the hell wants to be a camel., -Fool me once shame on youFool me twice shame on meFool me thrice you are not niceFool me four times and I am gonna cap your sorry ass., -What is black and red? An ape going down a hill!, -"Does it seem strange to you that the Olympics, the oldest and most famous sporting event, is the one televised event that the competitors don't get cash. In fact, if you have ever made any money at all of your sport, you are disqualified. Its like, you win a gold medal and your like So, what's my reward? and they're like this nice shiny medal. you mean I don't get any money at all? no we frown upon that. so I wasted a week of my life for nothing? but you get this shiny medal but- SHINY! I tell you that medal would be on e-bay so fast. And did you ever notice how they have a count of what countries have the most medals? The U.S. always wins but then again, we're like 49 countries for the price of 1. Wyoming doesn't count towards our athletes because lets face it, smoky bears not gettin' any younger. You know, the Olympics always managed to keep the old traditions alive like lighting the torch, but why couldn't they keep the players perform in the nude tradition. You can't find a single naked Olympian these days, well unless you count Amanda Beard.", -You never know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.But if you walked a mile in their shoes wouldn't their feet get cold?, -"A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer?3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.", -"You Know You Are in a Redneck Church When...People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish.Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.The choir group is known as the OK Chorale.Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.Baptism is referred to as branding.People think rapture is when you lift something too heavy.The final words of the benediction are, Y'all come back now, yah hear?", -"Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.Oh, my, said the bunny, I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.It's quite OK, replied the snake. Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.Oh, that would be wonderful replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.Oh, thank you! Thank you, cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French.", -Q. How do you say Give me liberty or give me death! in French?A. I give up., -Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?A. Nobody knows. It's never been tried., -"Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?A. The French Army.", -Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel?A. So the French government could to flee to London., -Why was Jesus not born in France?Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin., -"Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts?They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks . . . They are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.", -"Two guys were swapping stories in the park one dayand one guy mentioned that during thewar he was captured and held for weeks without food.The other guy asked, How could you survive withoutfood?It wasn't easy, he said. But I had a big mealbefore I was captured and learned to eat my own shit.WHAT?? That's disgusting! said the first guy. Idon't believe you!Without a second thought the vet reached into hispants, shit in his hand and promptly ate it on thespot.The second guy said, My God! If youcan do that so easily, we can bet big money and rakein a fortune!!Sounds good to me, said the vet. I can use themoney.The next day the guy had set up a bet with twowealthy but unbelieving high rollers.This I gotta see, said one of the gamblers.It ain't gonna happen, said the other. No onecan eat their own shit.Let's do it, said the vet's buddy as he set downa plate full of shit in front of the vet.The vet looks down ready to dig in, when all of asudden he bolts from the table and projectile pukesa streak across the room right on the two gamblers.In a rage the gamblers kick the living crap out ofboth the vet and his buddy, they take their winningsand leave.We lost it all!! said the buddy. Why in the helldidn't you eat the shit??There was a hair in it! said the vet.", -"Money is not everything. There's Mastercard Visa.One should love animals. They are so tasty.Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.The wise never marry, and when they marry they become otherwise.Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.Children in back seats cause accidents. Accidents in back seats cause children.The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know - so why bother to learn?", -"We're here on the airport, where a group of peoplehave just arrived after being stranded on an islandfor more than a year.", -"Two babies were born in the same hospital on the same day and ended up in adjacent basinettes in the nursery.Eighty-five years later, by coincidence, each of them is admitted to the same hospital with a terminal diagnosis, and they end up in the same two-bed semi-private room.And one of them rolls over and says to the other So, what did you think?Thanks to Steven Wright", -"In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth, and the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of deep. And the Devil said, 'It doesn't get any better than this.'And so God created Man in His own image;Male and female created He them.And God looked upon Man and WomanAnd saw that they were lean and fitAnd God populated earthwith broccoli and cauliflower and spinachand green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,So MAN and Woman would live long and healthy lives.And so the Devil created Fast Food Giants.And Fast Food Giants brought forth the 99p double cheeseburger.And Devil said to Man, 'You want fries with that?'And Man said, 'Super-size them.'And Man gain five pounds.And God said'Why doth thou eat thus?'I have sent the heart-healthy vegetablesAnd olive oil with which to cook them.'But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter.And Man gained 10 poundsAnd his cholesterol went through the roof.And so God brought forth running shoes.And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote controlSo man would not have to toil to change channels between Sky Sports 1 and Sky Sports 2.And Man gained another 20 pounds.And so God brought forth the potato,A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchful centre into chips and deep fried them.And the Devil created sour cream dip.And Man clutched his remote controlAnd ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.And Devil saw it and said,'It is good.'And Man went into cardiac arrest.And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chickenAnd cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.And Devil created light beerSo Man could poison his body,While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.And Man gained another 10 pounds.And Woman ventured forthInto the land of chocolates,And upon returning asked Man, 'Do I look fat?'And the Devil said, 'Always tell the truth.'And Man did.And Woman went out from the presence of ManAnd dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer,East of the marriage counsellor.And the Devil said,'It really doesn't get any better than this.'", -"Twenty Something - The cost of a sitter for Saturday night.Fancy Restaurant - One that serves cold soup on purpose.College - The four-year period when parents are permitted access to their home telephone.Hors D'oeuvres - A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.Kissing - A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.Emergency Numbers - Police station, Fire Department and fast food places that deliver.", -"A guy was having trouble with his cat.His cat would always scratch the sofa but never the scratching post.One day the guy got an idea; he bought a new couch and replaced the scratching post with the old couch hoping this would solve his problem, but his cat just began scratching the new sofa.Then another idea hit him - he got some clay and got to work.Scratching post - $57New sofa - $299Clay - $9Understanding your cat likes to scratch your face more than he likes to scratch the couch - priceless.", -"One night a man is driving in his car and hears police sirens behind him. The man knows that with his car he could never out-drive the cop, so, seeing the officer looks fat and out of shape, he opens his car door and makes a run for it.The chase goes on about 20 minutes, with the cop finally catching him.The cop, completely out of breath, tells the man that he will not bring him to the station on one condition - the man, wondering why the cop wasn't going to turn him in, asked what the condition was. The cop said he wouldn't turn him in if he would help him lose another 5 pounds!", -"One evening, a woman received an unexpected call from a ticket clerk at a major airline. He read a list of names and asked if she knew any of the people.Yes, she said, they're all friends of my son. How can I help you?The crew was cleaning a plane, and they found this address book, the clerk explained. After seeing no identification, we looked through the entries and found one we knew could help us. It was under M for Mom.", -"You're so ugly...that when your mom dropped you off on the curb for school, she got fined for littering.", -"A new intern at Heart Cross Hospital was looking for an experienced doctor to sign off on him sending a patient to surgery. He saw a nicely tanned man giving orders to someone else so he walked up to him. Could you sign this for me? he asked.The man signed the sheet and the intern thanked him and walked away. The next day, the intern walked into the hospital and was informed by the security that he had been fired. The intern asked why, and the security guard told him that he had sent a patient to surgery without having a doctor sign off on it. Yes, I did, I had him sign it, pointing to the man who he had sign the sheet and who was now mopping the floors. Him? asked the security guard. That's Jorge the nicely tanned head-janitor.", -"My friend said, Can I hang out with you?I replied in a choking voice, I have a spare noose in the closet.", -"A man named John was walking back to his house, when a stranger walked up to him and said, I'll give you tree beans if you give me your house. But John was drunk, so he thought he said, If you give me tree beans, I'll give you my house.So John said, Yes. And while he was taking out some beans, the stranger gave him three beans and ran in his house. John hollered, WAIT! YOU HAVE TO FEED THE DOGS OR THEY WILL ATTACK YOU CRAZILY! But the stranger didn't hear him fully and replied, Oh. Don't feed the dogs? O.k.!The next day the stranger came out, all torn up and came to John and said, I want my beans back.", -"A woman who was driving down the highway pulled over to the side of the road when the policeman driving behind her turned on his lights and siren.She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quietly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?Yes, I do, officer, she politely replied.Interesting, said the officer. Do you always loop it through your steering wheel like that?", -"Hello, I am Mr. L, as most people call me. I am going to tell you a story that happened to me years ago.Here goes!People were pouring pollution all around they world; strangely, it made certain animals turn gigantic. That happened to a dog one day, it wasn't pretty. I don't know why, but it was chasing me around the city.Eventually, I gave up and let it do what it wanted to do to me.It came close to me, lifted its leg and...I think I know why I it did what it did. I was wearing a shirt with a fire hydrant on it, and all the other ones were broken.That's my story.", -"Once a bird pooped on me, so I threw it back.", -"Mike and Joe, two buddies, were talking when Joe asked, Hey Mike, do you have a rake? No, Mike replied. Joe questioned, Well, then will ask your sister to come to my house this weekend to help with something? Mike, even though he thought this was a strange request, consented, and later talked his sister into it. That weekend, Mike, overcome with curiosity, drove to Joe's. Joe called out that he and Mike's sister were in the back yard. After walking around, Mike saw Joe holding Mike's sister updide down by her toes and pushing and pulling her through Joe's flower garden. Obviously shocked, Mike yelled in surprise, What the heck do you think you are doing? Calmly Joe answered, A gardening magazine said to use a rake to even out the soil. Neither of us had one, but they said I could also use a hoe.", -"Michael Vick shouldn't go to jail for dog fighting.Why? It's a crime. Well, it's one thing to fight your friends or someone at a bar, but it's your dog. You should be able to fight him if he gets in your face. What?", -I started a new band called The ChimesWhat kind of band?Acapella SkaWhat do you play?Drums, -"If you were attacked by giant mutants, what would you do? Most people would run. Some would hide, and the video recorders would record it and put it on television.Last week, humans won a war against giant vicious demons called, Razzoopis. Razzoopis are Godzilla-sized monsters that have rock hard bodies, and breath fire.No one knows why it came, or how it was defeated, but the other humans had a feeling that the humans gave back its baby.", -"Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store's shelving units. There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves. One said, I bet any minute now some smart aleck will stick his head in the door and ask what we're selling.Within minutes, a man did just that, Hey, boys, whacha sellin'? One businessmen responded sarcastically, We're selling assholes.Without missing a beat, the man rejoined, Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!", -Why did the chicken cross the road?Because Kentucky Fried was on the side he was leaving from., -"There was a quirky breed of dinosaur called an Adoptosaurus. Adoptosauruses laid eggs and often times forgot where they laid them or whose eggs were who's. Basically, they adopted the eggs they found and claimed them as their own.Adoptosauruses didn't eat meat because it wasn't apart of their dino-religion. They thought eating meat made dinosaurs fat and have wrinkly skin. Adoptosauruses ate flowers because they thought it made them smell good. They thought they were the best of all the dinosaurs.Maybe they went extinct so fast because their babies got hungry and ate each other, or the T-rexes found them and ate them, or maybe they were just stupid dinosaurs that adopted their own eggs.", -"A T Rex named Farrell asked his mother if he could dress up in a tutu. His mother replied, No! Boys don't wear tutus and dance on their tippie-toes! Farrell yelled, But mom! and told his father.His father said, Son, I'm a balerina and I dance in a tutu. Then the mother fainted and fell on the floor.So father and son danced around the unconscious mother in tutus. They had so much fun, and later had cookies and tea as a treat - and they used the mother as a table.", -"A boy named John was moving away somewhere far from his the home he is already in. But he couldn't bring the loved kitten he found. So he decided to sneak it. He stuffed the cat in a cardboard box without any holes. Suddenly his mother came up. He quickly taped it shut and put it on the corner of his bed.John, did I hear a cat meow?No mother.She left. So then John went Whew! and he sat on the opposite corner of the bed. It forced the box upwards and out the window. The cat popped out and had it hands up, like on a roller coaster, and the same with its feet. It stared right at John and made a quiet meow. It fell in the kiddie pool.John said, Well no wonder they call it the Kitty pool!His mom came in and said, You can bring the cat!", -What do you get when two blonds fight?A Stupid Fight., -How did the parasite cross the road?It hopped on the chicken!, -What's better than roses on your piano??Tulips on your organ!, -Post rejected Braingle brain teasers here., -I once heard a cretin tell his friend that all cretins are liars! Did he lie though?, -"A lawyer goes in to the cell where his client is being held. Okay, I've some bad news, and some good news.Right, what's the bad news?It's DEFINITELY your blood at the scene of the crime.So what's the good news?Your cholesterol is way down!", -"A boy was working on circumferences for homework when his mother came in and said, Do you want some pie? The boy replied, Sure.So the mother was saying 3.141592... over and over and then said, Want some ratio?", -"A grandfather bought a hobby-horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour; however, it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it to the company.", -"Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking.It had been barking for hours and hours.Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, I've had enough of this, and goes downstairs.Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?Paddy says, I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how THEY like it!", -"The teacher stood at the front of the room. Does anybody know what this Monday is?About half of the students raised their hands. The teacher pointed to one of them. It's Columbus Day! he crowed.The teacher smiled. It is. Does anybody know why we celebrate it?This time, only one student raised her hand. It's the day the Indians discovered Columbus!How very true indeed.", -"You've heard about the new hair salon which opened up right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place, haven't you?They put up a big old sign, WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!Not to be outdone, the old shop put out their own sign:WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS", -"There was a man who was getting ready to be hanged by the politicians of Aaronztown City. The only way he could ignore death was to convince the mayor to make the politicians change their mind. So he did.Hello Mayor Green, I am here to discuss important matter.Okay. Very well. Do you want to make any comments before we begin?Yes. Do you mind if I examine the things around here before we begin?Yes.Darn. Okay, my first question. Do you mind if I do not get hung by the politicians?Yes.But, I have a family, a long life ahead of me, and lots of friends. Are you sure you mind?Yes.The man growled furiously.Do you mind if I don't kill you before I get hung?Yes.", -Fuck hubluza!, -"A Wocka user has average joke comedy 2.5, but he doesn't get the smiley.Why can it happen? Because his average joke comedy is between 2.495 and 2.5, which is rounded up to 2.5.", -"Sam Krypton was a boy who hated meatloaf, but he knew that every time he didn't eat it, he lost a chance for ice cream, his favorite thing to eat.So today, he decided to eat it, and try and forget about the taste.He ate it up, and said, THIS MEATLOAF WAS DELICIOUS! His mother was pleased, and gave him ice cream.The next week, his mother gave him a large serving of meatloaf, expecting him to eat it all up.Sam forgot about what he did last week. He was looking out the window - then, a moment later, he said, Eww! What smells?", -"A newspaper columnist was found guilty and fined for calling a countess a cow. When the trial ended and the man paid his fine, he asked the judge, since it was now clear he couldn't call a countess a cow, could he call a cow a countess?The judge said it was all right to do so. Whereupon the newspaperman turned to the countess in the courtroom, bowed elaborately, and said, How do you do, Countess?", -"Yo Momma is so fat that when she entered the elevator and pressed the 'up' button, the elevator went down!Oh yeah? Yo Momma is so fat that she can't even fit in the elevator!!", -"A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 and Psalm 52:3-4 , a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.", -"There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, all talking about their teenage daughters.The Englishman said - I walked into my daughter's room and saw a razor on the floor. I didn't know she was old enough to shave.The Irishman said - That's nothing; I walked into my daughter's room and saw a tampax. I didn't know she was old enough to start her periods.The Scottsman said - Well, I walked into her room and saw a condom lying on the floor - I didn't know she had grown a cock!", -"A little child about a year old begins to talk. His dad asks him, What would you like for your first birthday?The child answers, A pink ping pong ball.Sure, says the dad.The kid turns five and again is asked, So what would you like for your birthday, son?A pink ping pong ball, he says again.OK.Ten years old and is asked for another birthday present, and he answers, A pink ping pong ball.Why do you keep asking for a pink ping pong ball, sport?I'll tell you later, dad, answers the child.The boy turns into a man, twenty-one years old.My boy is finally old enough to drink! What do you want for your birthday?The child thinks...A pink ping pong ball!Why the heck do you keep asking for a pink ping pong ball?!Ah, it's not important. I'll tell you later.My big man! Married, happy, and just had his 35th birthday! What would you like for this joyous occasion?A pink ping pong ball, he answers again.This is starting to tick me off, son...It's not important, dad. You'll figure out later.Halfway through his life, 50 years old.What's my big man want for his birthday this time? I'm sure you want something else by now.The 50 year old man thinks for a moment, then says, A pink ping pong ball.Why, oh why, do you keep asking for a pink ping pong ball?!Later, dad, later.70 years and again he wants a pink ping pong ball.You'd better tell me son, seventy years I've been waiting and still no answer.It's not important, dad. I'll tell sometime else.Ninety-nine years old. The very old son is lying on his deathbed.Now, son. You're almost one hundred years old. I wanna get you something important, that you'll remember even til death. What will that be?A pink ping pong ball.Oh my gosh. I'm tired of this now. I want to know now why you keep wanting a dang pink ping pong ball!Fine. I want a pink ping pong ball because...And he died.", -Knock-knockWho's there?GiraffeGiraffe who?Giraffaggot!, -"A little girl was sat in science, when she wet herself.She goes to her teacher and says I've wet myself. The teacher asks Why didn't you put your hand up?She replies I did, but it just ran down my hand!", -"A child was born one day with a condition that limited him to only being able to whisper - unable to speak loudly or normally. At about 30 years old he finally goes to the doctor wanting to treat it.Can you treat this condition, doc? he whispers very silently, barely heard. Well, I can run a few tests and try to figure it out, the doctor says.About an hour later the doctor says to the patient, I have good news and bad news.What's the good news? the man whispers.The good news is that we can cure it.What's the bad news, doc?The bad news is that we'll have to amputate your penis, the doctor says.Oh no, I can't do that. Never mind, the man murmurs as he left the room.A few days later the same man was out swimming deep in the ocean when he saw a fin. He knew it was a great white shark. Then the shark started to swim closer and closer...Shark! Shark! he mumbled, but no one could hear him.Shark! Shark! he kept whispering - then he shouted, SHARK!", -"Yo Momma is so smelly that when she entered a pig sty, all the pigs had to evacuate...", -You might be a redneck if...The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle., -You might be a redneck if...You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can't remember how old your children are., -You might be a redneck if...You are having marital problems because your wife never lets you win at arm wrestling., -"My friend Doug pointed up at a bird circling overhead and said, Look, it's an eagle!That doesn't look like an eagle, I said.Well of course not, he shot back amazingly quickly. It's travelling incognito. Haven't you ever heard that Eagles are Masters of De Skys?", -...you have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape., -...you carried a fishing pole into Sea World., -...a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack., -"You might be a redneck if...You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.", -... you have an above-ground pool and you fish in it., -...you've ever had to have a wrecker pull your car out of a pothole in your driveway., -...you think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just misunderstood., -...your screen door has no screen., -...you cut the grass and find a Car., -"...if you refer to the fifth grade as, your senior year.", -You might be a redneck if...You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor., -You might be a redneck if...You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport., -You might be a redneck if...Your gene pool doesn't have a deep end., -You might be a redneck if...You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived., -You might be a redneck if...The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath., -You might be a redneck if...You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party., -You might be a redneck if...You can talk for more than 20 minutes on the difference between squirrel and rabbit stew., -"A Norwegian applied for a job as a logger deep in the Canadian woods.The foreman took him into the bush to test his knowledge of logging. He stopped the truck, pointed at a tree, and said, See that tree over there? Tell me its species and how many board feet of lumber are in it.The Norwegian immediately replied, Dat dere's a sitka spruce, eh? And she got 383 board feet of lumber in 'er. The foreman was impressed. He drove a little farther, pointed at another tree, and asked the same question.Lord tunderin'. Dat's yer Douglas fir. 690 board feet.They drove a little farther, and the foreman asked again.Yeller cedar. 242 board feet.The foreman was surprised; this Norwegian is correct and quick, not even using a calculator. He drove back to the office a little offended because the Norwegian is better at his game than he was. As they neared the office, the foreman figured out how to get the best of the new guy.He stopped the truck, handed the Norwegian a piece of chalk, and said, See that tree over there? Mark an X on the front of it. The foreman thought, How could he know which is the front of a tree?The Norwegian walked around the tree looking at the ground, then reached up, and marked an X on its trunk. Dat's da front a' dat tree, fer sure.The foreman laughed and asked sarcastically, Now what makes you think that's the front of that tree?The Norwegian looked down at his feet, rubbed the toe of one boot on the grass, and replied, Cuz somebody took a crap behind it, eh!He got the job and is now the foreman.", -My grandfather invented the rear-view mirror.Made millions - hasn't looked back since!, -"If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL.If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT.If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL.If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.", -"Hey, you! Pull over! shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars for speeding.She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident.Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, One pullover, $25.", -"One day, a blond put an advert in the library to start a marching band. 20 other blonds saw this advert and signed up. At their first destination they played Oh, when the saints. At their second destination they played the same song. At their third destination they played the same song yet again! When they arrived at their fourth destination a member of the crowd butted in and kicked one of the drummers. The blond that started the group said, Why did you do that? The guy replied Well, you've killed all of the people in the world because your band is rubbish but loud, so pretty much all the people are saints and they're marching into heaven, so stop playing!The blond replied We were playing? I thought we were being serious about this band!", -"Bubba listened to the preacher at the revival and when the preacher asked those with needs to come forward for prayer, Bubba got in line.When it was his turn, the preacher asked, What do you want me to pray about?Bubba said, Pray for my hearing, preacher.The preacher put one hand over Bubba's ear and his other hand on top of Bubba's head and prayed a while. Then he removed his hands and asked, Bubba, now how is your hearing?Bubba answered, I don't know, preacher. It's next Wednesday at the Baton Rouge courthouse!", -"Some useless inventions:1) A waterproof teabag2) A swimsuit store in the North Pole3) Sugar free, fat free, taste free chocolate4) A parachute that opens on impact5) An ejector seat in a helicopter", -Yo momma is like the internet; she's worldwide., -"Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. Johnny, she says, what comes after 'O'? Johnny says, Yeah!", -"The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long-awaited death.Being of sound mind, read the lawyer, I spent every last cent before I died.", -"News just in - the drummer tripped over the cymbals, and hit his head.The hospital spokesperson said, He'll be all right in a couple of days; he's just suffering from percussion.", -"One night a couple was in their room and the woman had just performed amazing oral on her man. He asked her where she had learned how to do it like that. She than said to him, It took some practice but your dad finally taught me how to do it right.", -"1. Why are little children sweet-tooths? They keep crying when they can't have candy.2. Why are little children kindergarteners? Um... they're still learning basic skills, are they not?3. Why are little children such blanket-connected people? They have read too many Peanut strips and can't resist but be Linus.4. Why are little children people who like to joke around? They hear their dad's joke with them too often.", -Sign outside a watch-maker's shop;Watch batteries fitted., -"Sign outside a Chinese restaurant:Try our curries, you'll never get better.", -"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid? Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral. They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What's his name? Patches? Patches what? That's a dog. Don't waste my time. Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown. One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?? ...or Carnival?? ...Carburetor!?!? Man... The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like 'Dang! I am less nurturing than a desert.I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight.' I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.' I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. 'Leave me alone. Can't you see I'm cold just right here?'I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, 'Here's to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do... but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.'", -"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.It was my friend's birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word Happy... sarcastic birthday, douchebag.I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then said, Does he bite? She said No, and I said, Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? ... Liar.I think it would be cool, if you were writing a ransom note in Microsoft Word, and it popped up, the paperclip and said, It looks like you're writing a ransom note... need some help? You should curse more. The paperclip would be all messed up, you know? I never saw a paperclip with tattoos before.Graffiti... I don't like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like Oh, that's how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn't have known if I had not walked by there, thank you. Graffiti's the most passionate literature there is, you know? It's always like Bush sucks! U2 Rocks! I want to make indifferent graffiti. Toy Story 2 was okay! I like Sheryl as a friend, but I'm not sure about taking things further; This is a bridge!; That guy's right!If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.I don't like when I go in a store and they call me Boss. Hey boss, can I help you, boss? When they call me boss, I go, I got some bad news... I'm gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I'll give you severance, and give me the rest.I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, Ya, can I just get those sneakers in a 10? And uh, he said, Okay and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, I don't have a 10, I have a 9. Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed, so that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, 'cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you're right on. I'll take the 9's and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You're re-hired 'cause you're a genius.A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like What's your favorite color? A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like What's your favorite color...person?My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, That burrito did not agree with me. I was like, Was the disagreement over whether or not you'd have diarrhea? Let me guess who won. I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, 'I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.'I'm excited to be here. I almost didn't do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, I'll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can't do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it. It worked out, it's cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves. - melbourne comedy festival.I heard this lady say I love kids. That's nice, a little weird though. It's like saying I like people, for a little while. How old are you? 14? Buzz off! You can say I love kids as a general statement, that's fine. It's when you get specific that you get in to trouble. I love twelve-year-olds.I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else, and I said, I am.I was thinking, they must have named oranges before they named carrots, What are these? They're orange, then, oranges.. Then what are THESE? Aww, dang.... Long Pointies?", -I found this attached to a halloween scythe:BE SURE HEAD IS ATTACHED BEFORE USE., -"I'm not being rascist, this actually happened to me.I was driving my car late at night along a fairly busy road, when I came across a very busy junction. Coming towards me, on the wrong side of the road, with no lights on except for the left indicator, was an Asian lady in her 4x4. I stopped, and started to back up, and she stopped at the junction as well, and turned right down another road , and also still on the wrong side.", -What's green and runs round the garden?The hedge!, -"I'm very sorry sir, but I don't have my homework with me- I left my bag on the bus.Well done! A", -"Dear son,Good luck with your exams tomorrow. I always think that it's best to stay up partying all of the night before an exam. Exam rooms are always a good place to catch up on sleep, because they're silent, and there's nothing to do in them anyway.Love,Dad", -"A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Liberal Democrat.She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Liberal Democrats too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat is, but wanting to be like their teacher, they all raise their hands. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. Because I'm not a liberal Democrat, Lucy replies.Then, asks the teacher, what are you? I'm a Conservative, replies the Lucy.The teacher is getting slightly angry now, so she asks Lucy why she is a Conservative.Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Mum and Dad are Conservatives, and I am a Conservative too.The teacher is now very angry, because she is a proud Liberal Democrat, and doesn't like the idea that she may have picked the wrong party. That's no reason, she says loudly. What if your Mum was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?A pause, and a smile. Then, says Lucy, I'd be a Liberal Democrat.", -"I have a new baby cousin named Caroline. She has a big brother named Sam and 2 big sisters named Elena and Erica.Well, my aunt was away with her three daughters. It was just my uncle and Sam at home.My uncle and Sam were playing on the floor. My uncle had to fart, but he tried to let it out quietly, but it came out a little louder than he had expected. Then Sam perks up and says Baby Caroline?", -Yo Momma so fat you can slap her ass all day and not slap the same place twice!., -"Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and she would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought an identical dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. Absolutely not - I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it, she replied.Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day. A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it. She smiled mischievously and replied, Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!", -"DON'T CHEAT!Draw a pig. Yes, that's right.On a blank piece of paper, draw a pig, then scroll down and read the interpretation of your pig!Draw your pig first! And don't look at the next part until you are done! It won't be fun if you look first. Now if you're done...start to scroll down..... YOU'RE CHEATING! DRAW THE DAMN PIG!", -"We Haven't Had AnyA store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon.Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.Now, what was it she wanted?The clerk answered, Snow.", -"bLittle Birds/bDo you know someone who seems to know everything?When asked why, they say, A little birdie told me. Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere - thus, these creatures are called Flies Unseen Everywhere or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly.Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend.This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition - and those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, Huh? Why, I think it now should be pretty obvious to all, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.", -"I wouldn't have believed this unless I seen it with my own eyes.I was walking down a street in the city I live in and noticed a store was going out of business. In the window was a huge sign GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE, directly below that sign was another sign that said NOW HIRING!Talk about no job security!", -"Who was the most complaining woman in the bible?Mary, because she got on Joseph's ass and rode it all the way to Bethlehem.", -"Some men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are. Frenchman Pierre Pumpille recently shunted a stationary car two feet by headbutting it. Women thought I was a god, he explained from his hospital bed.Deity or not, however, Pumpille is a veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head in 1995. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some men's games. Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen turnips, but then one man upped the ante by seizing a chainsaw and cutting off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and, shouting Watch this then, he swung at his own head and chopped it off.It's funny, said one companion, when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man.", -"A prisoner in the new Allegheny County Jail in Pittsburgh attempted to evade his punishment by engineering an escape from his confinement. Jerome constructed a hundred-foot rope of bedsheets, broke through a supposedly shatter-proof cell window, began to climb to freedom down his makeshift ladder.It is not known whether his plan took into account the curiosity of drivers on the busy street and Liberty Bridge below. It certainly did not take into account the sharp edges of the glass, the worn nature of the bedsheet, nor the great distance to the pavement. The bottom of the knotted bedsheet was 86 feet short of the ground. But our hero did not reach the end of the rope. The window pane sliced through the weak cloth and dropped him to his untidy demise 150 feet below.But wait - there's more!Apparently, the prison rumor of the previous death did not reach a prisoner who was awaiting transfer to federal penitentary one year later. He tied eight bedsheets together and rappelled from his seventh-floor window, only to find the rope fell 25 feet short of the ground. Luckier than Jerome, he merely fractured his ankle and scraped his face.", -"A Mexican jail guard died from an excess of zeal while supervising an inmate's conjugal visit. Raul Zarate Diaz was closely watching his charge from the roof of the prison when he tripped over an air vent, crashed through the skylight, and fell 23 feet to land beside the bed where the inmate and his wife were, against all odds, enjoying an intimate moment. The interrupted prisoner, offended by the intrusion, attempted to start a riot, but was squelched by prison security.Prisoners in the Tapachula facility reported that Diaz was in the habit of prowling the prison roof during conjugal visits, in search of prisoners to supervise. Local law enforcement reported that the guard was clutching a pornographic magazine, which was retained as evidence, and binoculars, whose sentimental value led to them being given back to the family of the deceased.", -"A teenage guitarist got so carried away while bouncing up and down on his bed mimicking a rock star that he flew out of a third floor window to his death, a Singapore newspaper reported yesterday.The Straits Times said Li Xiao Meng, a 16-year-old from China who was studying at Singapore's Hua Business School, was a keen musician who liked to jump up and down while playing his guitar in his hostel room.But on November 17 he took things a bit too far, the newspaper said, reporting on a coroner's court findings.Ruling death by misadventure, the court said evidence points to the deceased unintentionally falling out of the window to his death when he was hyped up with exhilaration, jumping up and down on the bed placed against an open window while mimicking a rock guitarist.Normally the windows were locked, the newspaper said, but students sometimes forced them open so they could smoke, something prohibited by the hostel.", -"Ivan, an experienced parachutist with 800 jumps under his belt, was videotaping a private lesson given by an instructor for a single trainee. He had attached the video camera to his helmet so that it would capture the entire day of instruction, and the supporting power supply and recorder were in a heavy satchel slung on his back.The group went up in the plane, and the instructor led the enthusiastic beginner through preparations for the jump. Ivan carefully documented the lesson, which needed to be perfect for the sake of posterity.When they reached the jump site, Ivan jumped from the back of the plane and filmed the student and instructor jumping from the front of the plane. A few heartbeats later, tape still running, Ivan realized that he had been so focused on filming the jump that he had forgotten to strap on his own parachute. An FAA spokesperson said that the video equipment strapped to his back may have been mistaken for a parachute.In the footage salvaged from the camera and spliced together, the student and instructor are shown in freefall befire they pull their ripcords and recede rapidly from view. Then the cameraman's hands reach for his own ripcord. When Ivan realizes he has no ripcord, ergo no chute, his hands are seen to flail about wildly, then the camera pans down towards the approaching earth...Film from the final stage of the plunge was destroyed on impact.", -"Eric A. Barcia, a 22-year-old Reston, VA resident, was found dead yesterday after he used bungee cords to jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said.The fast food worker taped a number of bungee cords together and strapped one end around his foot. Barcia had the foresight to anchor the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, and he even remembered to measure the length of the bungee cords to make sure that they were a few feet short of the 70 foot drop. He proceeded to fall headfirst from the trestle, and hit the pavement 70 feet below several seconds later.Fairfax County police said The stretched length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground.", -What do call a crying alien baby?An Unidentifyed Crying Object!, -"A young woman, flying home after Christmas, asked the priest sitting beside her if he would help her.I will assist you if I can; what seems to be the problem? he asked. The young woman said, I have a very expensive, top of the range hairdryer which my mother gave me for Christmas; it is still unopened, and well over the Customs allowance. Could you carry it through Customs for me, under your robes, perhaps?The priest said, All right, I will help you, but I must warn you, I cannot lie.At the Customs desk, an official asked the priest, Father, do you have anything to declare? From the top of my head to my waist, I have nothing to declare.The official pondered for a moment, and asked, And do you have anything to declare from the waist down, Father?I have a fantastic instrument which is designed to be used on a woman, but which is, at the moment, unused. Through his laughter, the customs officer said, Go on ahead, Father.", -"You go to sleep on the couch in your living room one night, but you find yourself unable to get any sleep. You realize it is probably because you are hungry, so you go and make a pbj, and eat it......You lay back down.......After a while, you get sorta thirsty, so you get up again and go get a drink of rootbeer. GULPGULPGULP....BURP!......You lay back down......Still no sleep.You do what everybody recommends - you count sheep. 1...2...3...4....5....You have to go to the bathroom from all of that rootbeer.....You lay back down.......Still no sleep, so you start singing, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, to yourself - but when you finish, you are still not tired.You say you favorite bedtime story to yourself out loud because you have it memorized and because no one else is around.....and after a while...you fall asleep.In the morning at 9:00, you wake up. What side of the bed do you wake up on? Right or left?...........Take your time to think......Neither, silly. You slept on the couch!", -What part of music is the part you'd better not try to sing?Refrain!, -What is a musician with real high morals? Virtuoso., -Who composed the Unfinished Symphony? Sherbet., -What was the principal singer of nineteenth century opera called? Pre-Madonna!, -Fill in the blank:The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing _________. Yesterday., -Can you decipher this phrase?U P Broken up!, -Can you decipher this phrase?Weather Cast Cast Cast Cast Weather forecast!, -What does this represent?WATER Waterfall!, -Can you decipher this phrase?A R M S Open arms!, -Les chres lchrent les chairs., -"CONGRATULATIONS!WHY? BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE OF THE VERY VERY VERY FEW WHO READ THE README FILE!But because the other, huge percentage do NOT, we moved the actual contents of this file into IGNOREME file because the chances for most of the people to read IGNOREME are at least the chances to read README .So now, go read IGNOREME with the actual contents what you would have expected here.", -"Do Chinese eat dogs?Yes. And cats. Especially on our Thanks receiving day. Besides, turkeys are our favorite pets. In China only the most uneducated eat turkeys.China is becoming strong. Does your government want to take over the world?Yes, absolutely. As soon as we become powerful, we will invade Iraq and Afghanistan.Why doesn't your government give Tibet back to its monks?Because the monks want to help the Seminoles take back Florida.Are the products made in China very cheap?Yes. Were we using slaves, the price would be even cheaper.Why you are the only kid in your family?Because my parents don't fuck with everybody.You have 1.4 billion people. Now what do you want to do with it?Find a new planet. Kill the native people there, and move in.", -"The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, Go forth and multiply.A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. What's the problem? says Noah. Cut down some trees and let us live there, say the snakes.Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, Want to tell me how the trees helped?Certainly, say the snakes. We're adders, so we need logs to multiply.", -Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?, -"Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?", -Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?, -Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?, -"If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?", -Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?, -Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?, -"Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?", -Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?, -"In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?", -Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?, -"If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife/girlfriend told you to do it?", -"And my FAVORITE......The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.", -"A couple, hosting a dinner party, were interrupted when the maid called the hostess to the kitchen.Ma'am, the cat climbed up on the kitchen counter and ate the middle of the salmon.Light on her feet, the hostess told her to replace the missing portion with canned salmon, then returned to her guests. As everyone enjoyed the fish, the maid summoned the hostess into the kitchen again.Ma'am, the cat is dead!The frightened hostess felt obliged to inform her guests and suggested everyone go to the hospital together to get their stomachs pumped.Returning home after their long, expensive, and embarrassing ordeal, she asked the maid where she had put the cat. Nowhere, Ma'am. It's still out in the street where the car hit it!", -"Hey Sean, I've got a job lined up for you, can you turn up tomorrow, about tenish?Tennish? I don't even have a racket", -"Just after Creation the Lord noticed that the original male-female pair of snakes were not reproducing. He summoned them and said, I thought I told everyone to go forth and multiply? The snakes replied, Yes Lord, but we cannot. The Lord was annoyed and thundered, and why not? to which the snakes answered, You see, Lord, you made us Adders.We could have stopped here , but actually the Lord got real sore and threatened, I don't give a shit, just go forth and multiply!A week later when the Lord visited, Lo! - was he pleased. Adders here, adders there, adders everywhere. He called for the original pair. Congratulations, he said, and then not without some bafflement inquired, how did you do it? The ingenious pair replied, It was simple, Lord. We used logarithms.Alternative ending, Fibonacci coached us.", -Let's test your IQ.............1. man ----------- board Ans. man overboard 2. stand ----------- i I understand ok?....get the drift? Let's try a few now see how you fare. 3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/ Reading between the lines 4. r road a d Crossroad 5. cycle cycle cycle Tricycle 6. t o w n Downtown 7. le / / vel Split level 8 . 0 ------------ M.D. Ph.D. Two degrees below zero 9. knee ------------ light Neon light 10. ii ii ----------- O O Circles under the eyes 11. dice dice Paradise 12. t o u c h Touchdown 13. ground --------------- feet feet feet feet feet feet Six feet underground 14. he's / himself He's by himself 15. ecnalg Backward glance 16. death / life Life after death 17 THINK Think big! And the last one is fun............ 18 ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb.... Long time no 'c'!, -This is a very long line that goes on and on and just when you think it is over it starts again going on and on but you know it cannot keep on forever until it starts repeating itself about being a very long line that goes onand on and just when you think it is over it starts repeating itself about not keeping going on and on forever but you know it was a very long line., -"A young air force officer had a very beautiful wife. Early each morning he left his house and went to the airport, and an hour later his wife always left the house too, with a big white towel, and went for a walk on the beach.Her husband always flew over every morning, and when she saw his aeroplane, she held the white towel high above her head. When her husband saw it, he made either the left wing or the right wing of his aeroplane go down. The left wing meant, 'I will be busy tonight and won't be home,' the right wing meant, 'In eight hours I will be holding you in my arms.'One morning he flew over with eight other aeroplanes, and his left wing went down. Before his wife had time to feel sad about this, all the other aeroplanes flew over, and each one of them turned its right wing down.", -"3 ladies were on a flight. Suddenly the pilot informed them that there was a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into the sea.A Chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to doll herself up.A Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions. The Chinese lady replied that if she looked beautiful, the guys coming to rescue survivors would usually save the pretty ladies first. On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her jewellery.An Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and questioned her. The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she would easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels.The Indian woman then started taking her clothes off. Both the Chinese and Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her. The Indian woman then replied that rescue teams do not usually look for survivors.They usually look for the Black Box first!", -"The running water in Singapore can be drunk directly. So when I get thirsty, I go to the toilet and drink. But how to make a bowl of instant noodle? A girl thinks:Since the running water can be drunk directly, the water from electric bathing machine also can!So she use the water from bathing machine to make instant noodle.", -What's the difference between man and life?Life is always hard., -"A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. But we didn't use them, the man complains.Well, they are here, and you could have, explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here, the Manager says.But we didn't go to any of those shows, complains the man again.Well, we have them, and you could have, the Manager replies.No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, But we didn't use it!The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.But sir, he says, this check is only made out for $100.That's right, says the man. I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.But I didn't! exclaims the Manager.Well, the man replies, she was here, and you could have.", -"It was late in the evening and I was studying in the university library's reading room. It was in the middle of final exams, so the library was a hectic place with students milling around everywhere. I was sitting at my desk with my pile of books and felt the need for a nap before I continued with my work. I wasn't asleep long before I was awakened by laughter. To my surprise, everyone who was laughing was also looking at me. I looked around the room, silently pleading for answers, when someone next to me leaned over and whispered, You were farting in your sleep.", -"A gentleman came into work one day and he and I felt one of those instant and mutual attractions to one another. He gave me his card and told me to call him. Well, it just so happened that his card had his home address on it, so I thought I would just check out his place to scope out the merchandise, so to speak. Driving down his street, I slowed down to a near-crawl and hung my head out the window, looking for his house number. The house number proved to be irrelevant, though, when I looked up and saw him standing on his porch, waving at me! There I was with my head hanging out and my mouth wide open, looking like some kind of stalker! Needless to say, I did not wave back to him and I never called him. What would I have said?!?", -"A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, What's this?She says, Oh, that. My father's ashes are in there...He turns beet red in embarrassment for having brought up such a tender subject and says, Geez, oh, er...I...She says, Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.", -"An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, Operator, giff me beck the party!She says, I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again.He says, What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party.She says, I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again.He says, Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it you-know-vere! And he hangs up.Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, We've come to take your telephone out.He says, Vy?They say, Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago, but if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here.He says, Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry? He goes to the telephone and dials. Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it you-know-vere?She says, Yes?He says, Vell, get ready - dey're bringin' it to ya!", -"A woman called an auto parts store and asked for a 28-ounce water pump. What? asked the confused parts guy. She said, My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump. A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit? asked the parts guy. A Datsun, replied the woman. As the parts guy wrote down her request, a light went on in his head. Oh, yes, ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps, he said. We also have 24-ounce and 26-ounce pumps. Finally, she said. You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about. Yes ma'am, said parts guy, smiling, as he jotted down Datsun 280Z water pump...", -"Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.Well, bring me the winner then.", -"Waiter, this plate is wet.That's your soup, sir.", -"Look here, waiter! How long must I wait for that half-duck I ordered?Until somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck.", -"Is zero a 1-digit number or a 0-digit number, or neither? You may think that 0 is a 1-digit number. However, this will make 00 a 2-digit number, 000 a 3-digit number, and so on. Leading zeros do not count towards the digits, and 0 itself is a leading zero.If you think that 0 is a 0-digit number, you're still wrong. 100 is a 3-digit number, 10 is a 2-digit number, 1 is a 1-digit number, and therefore, .1 is a 0-digit number, .01 is a -1-digit number, and so on. Therefore, the number of digits of a real number x is 1int. Since lg0 is meaningless, the number of digits of 0 can't be defined.", -What does this represent?WRIST WRIST Tourists! , -Can you decipher this phrase?DOGTHE The underdog!, -Can you decipher this phrase?SMOKE G Go up in smoke!, -Can You Decipher This Phrase?HILL Downhill!, -Can you decipher this phrase?TTTTTTTTTT Tent., -Can you decipher this phrase?LINE End of the Line!, -"man having problems with premature ejaculation, went to the doctor to see what to do about it.doctor said try startling your self if you feel the urge to ejaculate.on the way home he buys a starter pistol. the guy excited to try the new idea, went home and was suprised to find his wife in the bed.after few minutes of fore play they were in the 69 position he was going to ejaculate so he fires the gun. his wife shits on his face bites 3 inchs off his dick and he still ejaculates prematurly.", -Yo mama so short that you can see her feet on the driver license.Yo mama so ugly that when she was born the doctor slap her parents.Yo mama so dumb that she sat on the tv and watches her wheelchair., -"The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them.The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic bombers. Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was suitably impressed.Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the last artillery pieces.Who are they? he asked.Ah, said Yeltsin, those are our economists!But I thought this parade was military... said Clinton, confused.Mr. Clinton, said Gorbachev, have you SEEN the damage those men can do?", -"Bill Clinton dies and goes to the pearly gates, where St.Peter asks him who he is and what he did. Bill replies, I am Bill Clinton, and I was president of the United States! St. Peter says, Ok, I will take you to meet the Lord. So they go to meet the Lord, who says Who are you and what have you done? Clinton replies, I am Bill Clinton and I was president of the U.S.A.! The Lord then says, Come Bill, sit on my right hand. Clinton then sits down to the right of the Lord, extremely happy.Al Gore then dies and goes to the pearly gates, where St. Peter asks him who he is and what he did. Al replies much the same as Bill did, stating that he is Al Gore and was Vice-president of the US. St. Peter then takes him to meet the Lord, who offers Al the seat on his left side. Al accepts, and like Clinton, is ecstatic.After a while, Hillary dies and gets to the gates. St. Peter asks who she is and what she did, to which she replies, Hillary Rodham Clinton, wife of the president of the US. Peter then takes her in to meet the Lord who repeats the question, Who are you and what have you done? Hillary replies, I am Hillary Rodham Clinton, and you are in my seat!", -"yo mama so hairy and fat, that when she went to a museum they yelled the mammoth's alive!", -"yo mama and daddy r so fat, half the world went to ur mom, the other to ur dad.", -wat do u call a female dog?, -did u have a pussy around ur head?, -"I would like to take this opportunity to announce that I am the proud father of an 8 pound 7 ounce baby boy.Boy, is my wife gonna be mad when she finds out!", -"Seen on a bumper sticker:IF CLINTON IS THE ANSWER, THEN IT MUST BE A STUPID QUESTION.Seen on another bumper sticker:CLINTON HAPPENS.", -"If a couple in Arkansas get married, move to Washington, then move back to Arkansas, are they still brother and sister?", -"Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.The chicken sounds good; I'll have that, Hillary says. The waiter nods. And the vegetable? he asks.Oh, He'll have a cheeseburger, Hillary replies.", -"One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He was very furious and said, Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately! Yes Sir, Mr. President, the interior decorator replies. I'll have those mirrors removed right away!", -"Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.The first kid said, My dad is so scared that, when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.Oh, yeah? That's nothing, said the second kid. My dad is so scared that, when my mom has to work the night shift, he goes next door to sleep with Mrs. Jones!", -"Dogs......steal your food....eat all of your tennis balls....make you pick up their waste products....take all of your covers....eat out of the trash....beg....bark loudly at 1:00 in the morning....drink out of the toilet, while it still has poo in it....have accidents, on your floor.And you call you dog your BEST friend,I can't imagine what your other friends do.", -"A Welshman, walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hands.He shouts, Paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn cachi yn y dwr! The man shouts back, I'm English, I don't understand you!The Welshman calls back, Use both hands, you'll get more in!", -"Racing through the snow a onewarde southern sleigh,all the way we go bahing through the trees,the snow is turning red,I think i'm almost dead,all the children laugh and play around my stupid head!", -"Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. He's not my husband, she says.He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. He's not my husband either.She says, also not recognizing the unit.He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.Wait a minute, she says. He's not even a member of this club.", -"Is One Foot Enough???A girl in the U.S. lived very far away from her mother. One day, the girl became engaged but discovered her fiance had only one foot. The girl, surprised sent her mother a letter asking for advice. The letter began, Mother, my husband has only one foot...The mother upon receiving the letter was confused on why that was a problem. She immediately wrote back to her daughter saying, Dear, one foot is enough. your father has only 7 inches!!!", -"A stockbroker is beginning his jail sentence for fraud, and meets his cell-mate for next seven years.He stares in shock at the weirdo next to him, when the psycopath says, Don't worry, I'm in here for a white-collar crime as well.The stockbroker is very relieved, and asks what crime the man had committed.The wild-haired, unkempt freak replies, I killed a priest!", -Velcro - what a rip-off!, -"In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years, said Gates. The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution - even reduce your time in Purgatory - all without leaving your home.A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello - in character as Father Guido Sarducci - hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats, the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci, but critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures, said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. You take the parting of the Red Sea - we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger market. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were installed with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach the four corners of the earth, echoing MICROSOFT's vision of a computer on every desktop and in every home.Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired - One religion, a couple of different implementations, said Gates.The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.", -"There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.Not you again, I said.Sorry, he said, a little sheepishly. I guess you know why I'm here.Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.No, I said.You know I can't take that, he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask.Not interested. I said. Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy.Well, no, The Microsoft man said. You're the only one.You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer, I said. Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95.The Microsoft man look perplexed. I'm missing your point, he said.Use! I screamed. Use! Use! Use! Why buy it, if you can't useit?Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about, the Microsoft man said. All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy.People without computers?Got 'em.Amazonian Indians?We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes.The Amish?Check.Oh, come on, I said. They don't even wear buttons. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box, the Microsoft man admitted. We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft. He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. But that's not the point! he said. The point is, everyone has a copy. Except you.So what? I said. If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely.No.Jeez, back to that again, the Microsoft man said. Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll give you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer. He waved the box in front of me.No, I said again. No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something.It did.Pardon?World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, bang, end to strife and hunger. Simple.So what happened?Well, you know, he said defensively, it took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace.Go away, I said.I can't, he said. I'll be killed if I fail.You have got to be kidding, I said.Look, the Microsoft man said. We sold this to the Amish. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have you holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to Bill.Bill Gates does not care about me, I said.He's watching right now, the Microsoft man said. Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash.He wouldn't do that, I said, He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident.Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser, the Microsoft man said, nervously.Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?Terrible. There's an active volcano there.It's only a small one, the Microsoft man said.Look, I said, even if you did convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?There's a lot of domestic animals out there, he said.I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.", -"It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine...Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad he told the three of them that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though that no matter what they did he was not changing his mind. So...Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news. There is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, I have bad news and bad news. The first is there is a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.Bill Gates went back and told his staff.... I have good news and good news. Firstly, God thinks I am one of the 3 most important people in the world. The second is, we don't have to fix the bugs in Windows95.", -What does the 95 in Windows95 mean anyway?10. The number of floppies it will ship in.9. The percentage of users who will have to upgrade their hardware.8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.7. The number of pages in the EASY INSTALL version of the manual.6. The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new OS.5. The number of hours to install.4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.3. The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade.2. Meg of RAM required for the damn thing to run.1. The year it was DUE to ship., -"Microsoft's new Cool User ProgramREDMOND, WASHINGTON - In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it cal ls the Cool User Program for Windows 95. To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95, explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include the OJ Simpson trial ending, another m omentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution.Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will be needed for the s torage facility. We have chosen the state of Utah, stated Microsoft, because nobody lives there anyway.Spokespeople for Novell and WordPerfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.IBM Corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching Microsoft's Cool User program. Freeze people? What for? Warp has already been shipping for months, said a source who asked not to be identified.Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as a bold, innovative move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion column M.S. Brown Knows which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims, IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time.Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if Windows NT didn't completely replace DOS in six months, he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that; I didn't say which six months.The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but users wishing to b eta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of US$3,000.", -"What really does happen to MS programmers once they die?Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died? He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.Sure, he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.Wow! he exclaimed. Heaven is great! Wrong, said the angel. That was Hell. Want to see Heaven? Sure! So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.This is Heaven? asked the Windows programmer.Yup, said the angel. Then I'll take Hell. Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball? he screamed frantically to the angel.That was the demo, she replied as she vanished.", -Dogs crawl under fences...Software crawls under Windows95., -Scanning for viruses...Windows95 found...Please delete., -Double your drive space...Delete Windows95., -Friends don't let friends use Windows95., -If at first you don't succeed...work for Microsoft., -Turn your Pentium into a gameboy...Type WIN at the prompt., -Windows95...the best $159 Solitaire game you can buy., -Activate your own virus... type WIN at the prompt., -"A husband and wife are walking down the High Street one evening, when the wife saw a beautiful diamond necklace in the jeweller's shop window.Oh, she exclaims, I really would like that! Do you think you could get it for me? With that, he looks around and finally locates a brick, which he promptly lobs through the window; he then grabs the necklace, and the two of them leg it.Oh, there was a lovely pair of earrings to match in the other window! she says.What, do you think I'm MADE of bricks? he exclaims.", -The best way to accelerate Windows is through one., -"It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him.The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, Boy, are you in trouble! I'm a lawyer!The driver looked out his window and said, No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge.", -"This house, said the real estate salesman, has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.The disadvantage is that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north.What is the advantage? inquired the prospective buyer.The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.", -"The minister's car wouldn't start, so he called the garage. When the tow truck driver arrived, the minister says, I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher.Yep, replied the tow truck driver, I've heard you preach.", -"A priest wanted to go to the post office, so he asked a little boy the way. The boy took him to the post office.The priest said to the boy, Thank you. Come to the church tomorrow and I will show you the way to Heaven.The boy turned and said, But you don't even know the way to the post office.", -"One day a man having conversation with God, when his whole life flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time.He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult periods of his life there was only one set of footprints.He asked God, You said you will be with me throughout this journey, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of my life?God replied, Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you. You see only one set of footprints because, during those difficult times in your life, I was carrying you.", -"Five year old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by.She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.My, said the census taker, that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!", -"A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.That's a serious step, he said. Have you thought it out completely?Sure, his young son answered. We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night.How about transportation? the father asked.I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles, the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.We've thought about that, too, the little boy replied. We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!", -"One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor.Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God, and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship. The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.The preacher again approached the man and said, I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church.I did, replied the old cowboy.If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here? asked the preacher.Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church.", -"To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied it with an appraising eye.We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci, he said finally.Sorry, sir, said the waiter. That's the owner.", -Yo' momma so fat that you gotta be Clifford the Big Red Dog to hit it doggystyle!, -Yo momma is rated 'E' for everyone., -What is a pirate's favorite food?Taco Bell's cARRne asada., -"A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board. He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.The pilot banks the plane around and winds down the window and shouts to the guy, Hi! Where am I?, to which the solitary office worker replies, You're in a plane. The pilot winds up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. Simple, replies the pilot. The answer he gave me was 100% correct, but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's Support Office and from there the airport is just 5 miles away on a course of 87 degrees! Any questions?", -What did the chicken say to the bully?Why don't you peck on someone your own size?, -"According to the Institute of Incomplete Research, 7 out of 10 people are", -Prof. Tom will not meet his classes this afternoon. classesc l, -"umfriend£££Dad , this is david , um....friend umfriend", -"There once was a bus staion named Ureliar , a man went to the station and waited for his train, he waited and a man came up to him and said,Hey,my name is Emabuthed , what's the name of the station? Ureliar? replied the man.", -"When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When we get married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance.What do women want to be liberated from?", -"The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.How are you, darling? it said. What kind of a day are you having?Oh, mother, said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight.The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy.Oh, darling, she said, sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once.George? said the housewife. Who's George?Why, George! Your husband!... Isn't this 223-1374?No, this is 232-1374.Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number.There was a short pause and the housewife said,Does this mean you're not coming over?", -"A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.Afraid not, said the farmer.I'll give you a thousand bucks! said the city fella.I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good, replied the farmer.I know horses, and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!Well, all right, if you want him so bad.The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped. You sold me a blind horse!Well, said the farmer, I told you he didn't look too good.", -"A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results.Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill. Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered.After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait. Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.Okay, he said, Just drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while.", -"This guy couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so he called the airlines to get prices.Airfare to Denver is $300, said a cheery salesperson.And what about Salt Lake City?We have a really great rate to Salt Lake - $99.00, but there is a stopover.Where?Denver.", -"A man went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat, and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free - but then he felt sorry for the snake.He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of bourbon, so he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds. He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!", -"When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.", -"The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway, and after a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.How did you manage to find it, Mom? the teenager asked.We weren't looking for the same thing, she replied. You were looking for a small piece of plastic; I was looking for $150.", -"A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, Hey Tommy, wanna play house? He says, Sure! What do you want me to do?The girl replies, I want you to communicate your thoughts. Communicate my thoughts? said a bewildered Tommy. I have no idea what you mean.The little girl smirks and says, Perfect. You can be the husband.", -"Pat and Mick decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Pat gets called in for his interview.The boss asks Pat if he had worked underground mines before, and Pat replies, Yes, of course I have.The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked, and Pat says, Oh, about 8 to 10 feet. The boss says, Mines are a lot deeper than that; get out of here - you're no miner!On his way out, Pat tells Mick to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Mick gets called in. The boss asks Mick if he had worked underground mines before, to which Mick says, Oh sure.The boss asks how deep underground he worked, and Mick says, I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground.The boss says, 20,000 feet, wow! That is incredible! What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?Mick says, Oh, I didn't need lights, I worked on the day shift!", -"The Christian missionary was making his first visit to a tribe in Borneo.The missionary asked the chief, Do you people know anything about religion?After a pause, the chief answered, We got a little taste of it when the last missionary was here.", -What's invisible and very frightened?A ghost with the sheet scared out of him., -"Billy Bob caught his friend Bubba searching high and low all around his living room.Billy Bob said, What are you searching for? Bubba replies, Hidden cameras! And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here? says Billy Bob.Bubba said, That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why, every few minutes he says, 'You are watching MTV!' How does he know that?", -"Each day when I would come home from work I would drop to my knees and ask my 4-year-old son if he wanted to box. I wanted him to learn how to protect himself, so we would spar around for a few minutes before supper.One day my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The shoe salesman was friendly and allowed my son to try on several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home and he replied, Yes. The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, Do you want a box?Our son stood up and punched him right on the nose.After grabbing our son we had to spend the next several minutes explaining why this happened. Luckily, our salesman was the father of a 4-year-old.", -"So, Jane asked the detective she had hired. Did you trail my husband?Yes, ma'am, I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment.A big smile crossed Jane's face. Aha! I've got him! she said gloating, Is there any doubt what he was doing?No ma'am, replied the sleuth, It's pretty clear that he was following you.", -"Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him.For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth, with Tom even keeping a log of the conversation.Just as Tom thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with next-door neighbour's wife.My husband spends his nights . . . calling out to owls, said Mrs. Rowe.That's odd, Mrs. Hollis replied. So does my John.Then it dawned on them.", -"A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party.The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, What time did you get in last night?Not too late, Dad, she replied nervously.Dead-pan, her father said, Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car.", -"One day, early in the morning, a naked man was lying on a beach reading the newspaper. He saw a little girl skipping towards him. Quickly he covered himself with the newspaper just as the little girl spotted him. She comes by him and says,Good morning, What's under the newspaper? The man replied,A birdie! The little girl started dancing and said,Can I see it. The man Quickly snaps,NO! It's sleeping. The little girl skips away ad the man falls asleep. After a few hours he wakes up and notices he's in the hospital. He calls over the doctor and asks why he was in the hospital. The doctor replies,Ask that little girl. The little girl shyly goes over and says,I was playing with the birdie, it spit on me, so i broke its neck, cracked its eggs and sets it nest on fire.", -"My mother has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.I have never been stopped like this before, she said to the officer.What do they usually do, ma'am? he asked, shoot the tires out?", -"An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes there. About two months later, a priest saw the old man there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you.No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!", -"For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.Well, sir, the attendant replied with a grin, you're really going to enjoy yourself - we have sound now.", -"One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting on a bench by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, Hey, Mamacita, let's do Weeweechu.Oh, no, not now, let's look at the moon! said Rosita.Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time, Pedro begged.But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon, replied Rosita. Please, corazoncita, just once, do Weeweechu with me.Rosita looked at Pedro and said, OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu.Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang .....Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Jear.", -"Almost two hours into the Clemens and McNamee hearing, some interesting quotes can be found. Mr. Clemens bled through his designer pants. Mr. Clemens, do you recall any bleeding through your pants in 2001? Those little band-aids for his butt, if it bled. Mr. Clemens, according to your account, Mr. McNamee injected your wife in your bedroom without your knowledge. That said there was a palpable mass on the right buttock of Mr. Clemens. On another record, it also noticed a similar mass on the left buttock. That was a hurried instance when we were in the closet.", -"Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs.Walking up to his foreman, he asked, Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!Then why aren't you wearing them?Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then someone offered me a drink and I didn't hear him!", -"A new bride told her husband she was concerned that their honeymoon suite in the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C., might still be bugged from the Watergate scandal days.The groom agreed to check it out.He looked behind the drapes, he looked behind the pictures, he looked behind the mirrors, he looked under the rug and... HEY! he shouted.Under the rug was a small plate with four screws! He unscrewed the screws with his knife and threw them and the plate out the window. There, that takes care of any bugs, he reassured his new bride. And the couple quickly jumped in bed and did what newlyweds do.The next morning, the hotel manager knocked on their door and asked the couple, Was your stay satisfactory? How was the service? Did you enjoy your room?The groom said, Fine. Why do you ask?The manager said, Because, last night, the couple in the room under yours had their chandelier fall on them!", -"A family was traveling across country, and were on their first stop for gas. Getting out to stretch their legs, they walked into the gas station and began to look at the various items that were placed around them.The son goes over to a rack of books, and picks up one and laughs. 'Cooking With Mormons.' We should definitely get this one, he sarcastically stated.The father grabbed it from his hands and stared at it for a minute, then said, Maybe it'll tell us how to cook them right. The son looked confused and said blankly Who? The Mormons, of course, was his reply.", -"How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb?1. No, 2, no, 4, no, 8, no, 16, 32, 64, 128 . . .", -"How many movie stars does it take to change a light bulb?Only one, but he takes one step up the ladder and then his stunt double takes over!", -"An elderly couple was having a conversation, and the wife asked her husband a simple question :- Boxers or briefs?Her husband replied :- Depends.", -"Three kids were walking on a beach looking for shells when one of them finds a magic lamp. They rub it, and the genie that comes out said that each could fall into a pit of whatever they desired. The first guy said Money and treasure and then he was poofed into a pit of money and treasure. The second guy said Pleasure, happiness, and electronics and then he was poofed into a pit of pleasure, happiness, and electonics. Then the third guy said Ah CRAP!!! Those were my ideas! and then he was poofed intoa pile of crap !", -"A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.So, said the counsellor, you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally.The wife flared up. You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?Yes, said the counsellor. He gets $2,000, you get $2,000.What about my furniture? I paid for that.Same thing, answered the counsellor. Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen.There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. What about our three children?That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. Go back and live together until your fourth child is born - then you take two children and your husband takes two.The wife shook her head. No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I've got.", -"Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.", -"I asked my girl-friend what she would like for her birthday, and she said she would like a green jumper.So I bought her a frog.", -"A salesman was traveling through the countryside, flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it.The farmer was dubious. Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you, and get everyone in the county to buy a case. We will make you rich. The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him - yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn - but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed.Son, he said, Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,Doesn't that calf have a mother?", -There were some kids playing hopscotch and they were allowed to skip so when the winner was on 8 it went straight to 10, -"once a women was in her home and she heard someone go knock-knock. she said, who's their and the voice said tisha the women said tisha who the voice said tisha me my abcs and she was like is that a ghost. the voice said, i'm your cousin and it was a knock-knock joke. oh the woman said", -There once was a President who had a law that evryone had to laugh once a hour or they spent an hour in jail., -Give me food and I will live.Give me water and I will die.What or who am I?A fire, -"Policeman to woman he's just stopped for speeding - As soon as I saw you coming round the corner, I said to myself, 'Must be 55 at least'.It's this dress, officer - it always make me look older!", -"What do you call an intelligent, good looking and sensitive man?A rumour", -"The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends, the girl told her Aunt. Now I know what to do with a lover, but what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?The wise old lady smiled and said, The same as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often.", -Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time in reading it. - Moses Hadas., -Yo momma is so ugly she made a blind person cry!!, -The oldest Yo Momma joke in the book:Yo momma so fat that she's fat., -I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there is no bad news. The bad news is that there is no good news., -"Yo Momma so fat when she peed in China, she made the Yellow River!", -Because Lexus created the park it your self car many Mexicans lost their jobs., -"A blond finished his English exam and came out.His friends asked him how did he do in his exam; he replied, Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and at last I wrote THUNK!", -"What would you like to have; fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or coffee?Tea, please.Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?Ceylon tea.How would you like it? Black or white?White.Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?With milk, please.Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk?With cow milk, please.Milk from Friesland cow or African cow?Um, I'll take it black.Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?With sugar, please.Beet sugar or cane sugar?Cane sugar, please.White, brown or yellow sugar?Forget about tea, just give me a glass of water instead.Mineral water or still water?Mineral water, please.Flavored or non-flavored?I'd rather die of thirst!", -"Some Wocka jokes have been picked by the system as the joke of the day.However, how can you know which day the joke was picked? Searching does not work, and it will be very tiring to browse page after page. Look at its comments and see in which day it received lots of comments!", -"How many moves, at least, are required to stalemate in chess? Nineteen moves. 1.h4 h52.c4 a53.Qa4 Ra64.Qxa5 Rah65.Qxc7 f66.Qxd7 Kf77.Qxb7 Qd38.Qxb8 Qh79.Qxc8 Kg610.Qe6", -"How many moves, at least, are required to checkmate in chess?Four moves.1.f4 e52.g4 Qh4", -How many diagonals does an N-polygon have? N/2., -"What is 60 divided by 1/3rd? Read carefully. If you think it's 180, then you're wrong! The answer is 20.3rd is 1/3.1/3rd is 1/, and therefore 3.60 divided by 3 is 20.", -"The median of the list n; n3, n4; n5; n6; n8; n10; n12; n15 is 10. What is the mean? What is the median and what is the mean? There are 9 numbers, and the median is the 5th number n6.Compare each number with the median, the mean is10/911.", -20 best score in lowball bowling., -162 worst score in golf., -72 best score in golf., -"Little Johnny's father asked him, Do you know about the birds and the bees?I don't want to know! little Johnny said, bursting into tears.Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.Oh dad, Little Johnny sobbed, At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!", -The government has recently issued a statement saying that 18.9 percent of all statistics are false., -What's round and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang a hat on it?His head!, -"At a wedding, the D.J. polled the guests to see who had been married the longest.The winners were then asked, What advice do you have for the newlyweds?The wife quickly responded, The three most important words in a marriage are 'You're probably right'. Everyone then looked at the husband.He said, Yeah, she's probably right!", -"John had been working for an Advertising Firm for almost three years, and was getting a promotion, when his boss called him into his office.John, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to let you go. When I put you up for promotion, the company did a background check, and we found out that you got kicked out of Yale for lying about getting your diploma. I'm sorry, but I need you out within the hour. But I've been working so hard, I've been doing such good work, John said I'm sorry, John, but we can't have liars working for us.But this is an advertising firm!", -"A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife, Honey, I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news, I got $25,000 severance pay!His wife said, $25,000 in severance pay? That's great! So what's the bad news?He said, Wait till you hear what was severed!", -"Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds, a crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he calls to one of his apostles. Paul... Paul, He calls out.Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the gathering. Yes, Jesus, how may I serve you? he exclaims. Just then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying, No one is allowed to speak with the prisoner! Jesus once again calls his name. Paul . . . Paul, he calls. Paul, determined, goes to the front of the gathering again. There he meets the same guard who this time cuts off his left arm and both legs and throws him back into the crowd.Jesus yells out once again, Paul . . . Paul. Paul, who is now lying on his back on the ground, attempts to roll to the front of the gathering. The guard, seeing this determination and devotion, finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of the crowd. Paul, with tears in his eyes, looks up to his saviour and speaks, Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you?Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and says, Oh nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house from here!", -"How many ventriloquists does it take to change a light bulb?Two - one to change the light bulb, and one to holg ge gottong og ge lagger.", -Who is the greatest prostitute in history? Ms.Pacman For 50 cents she'll swallow balls until she dies., -Knock knock.Who's there?Poop!, -Can You Decipher This Phrase?R RAY Y X-ray!, -Fill in the blank:The one who says it cannot be done should never _________ the one who is doing it. Interrupt., -Can you decipher this phrase?HOT HOTHANDLE HANDLE Too hot to handle!, -Can you decipher this phrase?ELGGURTS Uphill struggle!, -Can you decipher this phrase?M L I K Milk shake!, -Fill in the blanks such that the second blank is the reverse action of the first one:The famous musician Mozart ________ symphonies when he was alive and __________ after he died. Composed and decomposed., -Can You Decipher This Phrase?BSAI Bonsai!B SAI., -Can You Decipher This Phrase?kneelight light Neon lights!, -"MORNING WOOD!Get ready... this is quite possibly one of the funniest true stories I've read in a long while! No matter how many times I read it, I still can't keep the tears away!I caution the weak of heart before reading today's joke - you know who you are - so you might as well hit the delete key now...:Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what we're aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around, just so I'll make sure I hit something.You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling ya, those little buggers can't be trusted.After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fallen right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm such a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding about it. It's the dreaded morning wood.Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend, you can't aim. Well, hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself, so that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie - so us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife, I told her, Look, it won't bend. She said, so sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with morning wood. Well, it's very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.", -little susie was looking through her mothers purse and found a tampon and said what is this ? her mother said a pen. so later on that day he mother went shopping and an elderly man said miss do you have a pen and so little susie said it's in mommy's bagina !!!! so the old mans teeth fell out and he dropped to huis knees and said do you want me to search?, -What is represented by this?HEAR T Broken heart!, -What is represented by this?T N O R F O T Back to front!, -What is represented by this?WOWOLFOL Wolf in sheep's clothing !, -What is represented by this? RENNUR Runner up!, -What is represented by this?heart heart heart Heart-to-heart!, -"What is represented by this?STEPPETSPETS One step forward, two steps back!", -What is represented by this? EGASSAM Back massage!, -What is represented by this? DO WN Broken down!, -What is represented by this? Way One Way!, -"What letter comes next?D, L, M, M, J, V, ... S. The letters are the first letters of Spanish days of the week, domingo, lunes, martes, miercoles, jueves, viernes, sabado.", -"He v. SheThe family picture is on his desk - Ah, a solid, responsible family man.The family picture is on her desk - Um, her family will come before her career.His desk is cluttered - He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.Her desk is cluttered - She's obviously a disorganized scatterbrain.He is talking with his co-workers - He must be discussing the latest deal.She is talking with her co-workers - She must be gossiping.He's not in the office - He must be meeting a customer.She's not in the office - She must be out shopping.He's having lunch with the boss - He's on his way up.She's having lunch with the boss - They must be having an affair.", -My pal is addicted to brake fluid - but he says he can stop any time he wants., -Started a great book the other day - I couldn't put it down.It's called The History of Glue!, -"A man comes from a foreign country and buys a T.V. to learn some English, he turns to the first channel and it says, I did it, I did it I'm a big kid now. He turns to the next channel and it said, Fork and knife, fork and knife. He turns to one of those little kid commercials and they were saying, Under the Sea, while wave their hands around crazily. The next one was a Ziploc commercial, saying, Ziploc bags, keeps things fresssshh. He turns to the final commercial he has on his T.V. and it says, Plug it in! Plug it in!He buys a stolen car by accident which has a dead lady in the trunk, he drives for a while then finally the police pull him over. They open the car trunk and they ask the man, Sir, how do you explain this? The man replies, I did it, I did it. The police officer responds by saying, Well young man, what do you have to say for yourself? He replies, I'm a big kid now.The police officer takes him to the police station where they start questioning him, Sir, what did you kill the lady with? He replies, Fork and knife! fork and knife! while hitting the table really loudly.The police officer then asks him, Where did you kill the lady? He replies, Under the Sea, Under the Sea. Moving his hands violently.The officer ponders for a minute, Why is the lady so well preserved? He replies, Ziploc bags, keeps things Freeeeessssshh.The case goes to court and the man was found guilty, the judge decides to electrocute him as his penalty. As the man is seated in the chair, the judge gets a plug and asks the man, Any last words before you die? He replies, Plug it in! Plug it in! The man dies five minutes later.", -Any horizontal surface is soon piled up., -"What does a dog do in your backyard that you don't want to step in?Dig a hole.If you step in the hole, you might twist your ankle!", -"The Godfather was dying. He summoned one of his godsons and said softly, Mikey, before I go, I gotta ask one favor.Yes, godfather, anything, said Mikey. I worship you. The old man's eyes narrowed. I want you to go to my bathroom and masturbate.The lad looked around uneasily. I dunno, boss. That's kinda embarrassing. Who raised you as if you were my own? demanded the Godfather. This one thing you can't do for me?The young man realized his error and agreed to the request. When he returned, the old man said, One more request?Sure, godfather, anything, said Mikey.Do it again!What? I just did it, protested Mikey. Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? And you can't do this one little thing for me? asked the Godfather.Again Mikey agreed and was soon back. Okay, I'm done, he told the Godfather.One last request, said the Godfather. Do it once more.I don't understand, Godfather, said Mikey. Why?What? You can't grant a dying man his last wish? said the Godfather. Mikey was gone a long while this time, but eventually he staggered back to the bedside.I did it, Godfather, but, please, no more. I got nothing left.Good! said the old man, handing him his car keys. Now go pick up my daughter at the airport!", -"I'm having trouble with this new hearing aid, said the man to his audiologist.Really? Can you describe the symptoms?Sure. Homer is fat and yellow, Marge has blue hair...", -"Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad.A bit later, they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well.Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be dying'.", -"Bernie and Faye, a wealthy couple, are coming up to their ruby wedding anniversary and Faye has been thinking for some months about how they should celebrate. She comes to a decision. Bernie, she says, I'm going to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I know you don't like ships because you got sea sick last time, but trust me, this one will be perfect for us. It's called 'Pearl of the Sea,' an intimate seven-star luxury liner with everything kosher we could ever want to eat made available. Let's give it a go. Bernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye's decision, but who is he to argue - he could never win. So he says, OK dear.On the day of the cruise, Bernie and Faye drive up to the quay in their Bugatti Veyron 16.4. Captain Cohen is on the bridge as they pass by and calls in the purser. Find out who they are and invite them to dine at my table tonight. Later, the purser knocks on the door of the Royal State Room. When Faye answers the door, the purser says, Compliments of Captain Cohen, madam. He would very much like you both to dine with him this evening. Bernie comes to the door and says, Who is it Faye, is there a problem?This man says that Captain Cohen wants us to eat with him this evening, replies Faye. I told you we shouldn't have come, says Bernie, seven-star or no seven-star, we've only been on this boat half-an-hour and already we have to eat with the crew.", -"Doctor Simon is known throughout town as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment. One day, Betty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon's office.15 minutes later, to everyone's surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face. A woman in the waiting room says to Betty, It's unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?Miracle, shmiracle, says Betty, he just gave me a longer walking stick.", -"Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor sighs, and says, I've some bad news for you, Nathan. You have an incurable cancer. I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order. Nathan is initially shocked, but then, being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the doctor's office. His son Max is waiting for him.Max, says Nathan, we celebrate when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so good. In my case, Max, things aren't so good - I have cancer, so I suggest we go to my golf club for a few drinks. 4 or 5 glasses of whisky later, the two are feeling a little less sad. Then, after a few laughs and some more glasses of whisky, they are approached by two of Nathan's club mates, curious as to what Nathan and Max are celebrating.Nathan tells them, Guys, we're drinking to my impending death. I've been diagnosed with AIDS. His club mates are shocked. They give Nathan their condolences, have a couple of beers and leave. Max then says, Dad, you tell me you're dying of cancer yet you tell your friends you're dying of AIDS. I don't understand.Nathan replies, I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone.", -Did you hear about the thieves that broke into the United Jewish Appeal offices?They got away with over a million dollars in pledges!, -"A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years. Yeah, she replied, Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. I know, the old man said, We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago. Well, Granny snickered, What do you say...should we get naked? Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. You know, honey, the little old lady breathlessly replied, My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago. I wouldn't be surprised, replied Gramps. One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!", -Put the characters C - D - I - M - L - V - X in the right order - but not alphabetical.I - V - X - L - C - D - M.Roman numerals., -"My brother, Julian, is a little simple. I recently asked him to buy me some ribbon for my daughter's pretty pink bonnet. He went to the haberdashery shop for the required length but accidentally interchanged the feet and inches. When I measured the resulting ribbon I only had 30% of the length I required. How much ribbon did I originally ask for?I asked for 9 foot 2 inches and my brother brought me 2 foot 9 inches .", -Which word is the odd one out?seventybrawlcloverpropercarrotswingchangetravelsacredstoneCarrot.Each of the other words remains a real word if you remove the first and last letter., -"Can you complete this sentence using two words which are anagrams of each other? Whilst driving his car at a reckless speed, the driver was distracted by his dog _______. Luckily, he managed to complete the _______ manoeuvre without crashing.Whilst driving his car at a reckless speed, the driver was distracted by his dog barking. Luckily, he managed to complete the braking manoeuvre without crashing.", -Can You Decipher This Phrase?PETSStep up!, -Can You Decipher This Phrase?cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat Catch 22!., -Can You Decipher This Phrase?B O N E SBroken bones!, -Can you decipher this phrase?lookkoolLook both ways!, -Can You Decipher This Phrase?puBack up!, -"Little Jimmy was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Jimmy hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!His mother was so embarrassed. James, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!For the next month Little Jimmy was forced to read Shakespeare every night. When his detention was finally over, his mother again took him to the same mall.Sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them.Had Little Jimmy learned anything from the great bard?Yes.This time, as the man approached, Little Jimmy cried out, Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in parentheses?", -10D in a M10 decimeters in a meter., -10E on B10 editors on braingle., -Can You Decipher This Phrase?RUNRun down!, -Can you decipher this phrase?W O R KSEESAWSOverseas work!, -"Can You Decipher This Phrase?QQQQQQNo excuse.There is no X listed, but there are some Qs.", -Can you decipher this phrase?cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat catCopy cat!, -Can you decipher this phrase?SCHEMESCHEME SCHEMESCHEME SCHEME SCHEMESCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEMESCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEMESCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEMEPyramid scheme!, -Can You Decipher This Phrase?E EYE ED DCross eyed!, -1 C A and 4 H A in a M M1 carbon atom and 4 hydrogen atoms in a methane molecule!, -What is a chicken's favorite type of joke?The human who crossed the road!!!, -"Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt. Just then a guy comes over and says, What are you doing? Osama replies, About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.", -"Once, there was 3 Chinese people who wanted to go to America.Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since these names would sound awfully weird, Bu said, I'll change my name to Buck, adding 'ck' to the end. Chu said, Then I'll become Chuck. After a long pause, Fu said, I guess I'll go back to China.", -"This Chinese man asks this guy what he does for a living. The guy says, 'I'm a comedian.' The Chinese guy says 'No, u no camedien!' The guy says, 'Yer, I am, honest.' The Chinese guy says, 'No, you're not, ploove it, change coror!'", -What's Hitlers least favorite planet?'Jewpiter', -How do you get 100 jews into a car?Throw a quarter in it.How do you get them out again?Tell them Hilter is driving., -How do you know you have a queer Jew? He likes money more than girls., -"Have you heard about the Jewish sports car? It stops on a dime, then picks it up", -Whats the object of Jewish football?To get the quarter back., -Why did the Jews walk around the desert for 40 years?They heard that someone dropped a quarter, -What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?He breaks his nose., -What's faster than a speeding bullet?A jew with a coupon., -What's a Black Priest called?Holy Shit!, -"1. Ride on the baggage claim machine and go around in circles, don't leave until security comes.2. Ride on those carts and pretend you're in the Batmobile.3. When checking in, and the attendant takes your baggage and puts it into the machine say you left your passport, bag, purse, flight ticket etc. in there, when they take back the luggage, say you found it in your wallet.4. Ask for Snerples while on the plane and insist you must have one.5. Ask where the airport is in the information stand.6. If you are sitting next to a kid on a plane, point out that you just saw a UFO come by.7. When the plane is airborne, tell the flight attendant you got on the wrong flight.8. Pretend to snore REALLY loudly and insist that you sleep this way.9. Continously ask the flight attendant, Are we there yet?10. Ask the flight attendant if you can speak to the pilot, if they say no, start crying really loudly.11. If the flight attendant lets you see the pilot, ask the pilot if you can press every button on the controls.12. Act constipated in the bathroom for as long as you can, when you come out say you had too much breakfast.13. Stay in the bathroom for a REALLY long time, say you fell in if anyone asks you what you were doing in there.14. Cry really loudly and say you miss your family.15. When done crying, cry louder, and say you miss your dog.16. If walking in a narrow aisle and people are behind you, walk really slowly.17. When asked to do take out your passport, dig through your pockets, purse, bag, etc. for a REALLY LONG TIME.18. When coming out of the gate, go out to random people and start hugging them and say things like, I've haven't seen you in a long time.19. Completely ignore the people that are supposed to pick you up.20. Attempt to do this all in one flight.", -Two executives were talking in the executive washroom.My wife says I don't display enough passion. Imagine the audacity! I think I'll send her a memo!, -"Always keep several get well cards on the mantle.That way, if unexpected guests arrive they will think you have been sick and unable to clean.", -The discovery that Bush's resting heart rate is 43 has led some observers to speculate that this is the first time we've had a president with a heart rate that matches his IQ., -"A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat, says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS. He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. Well, sir, explains a Texan, when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain't hardly nothing. The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let 's see what happens when I turn OFF the heat, he says as he heads to the thermostat. I'll check on them tomorrow. So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans' campsite, and they are all whoopin' and hollerin' and drinkin' the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin' like there is no tomorrow.I don't get it, the Devil says, completely defeated. I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, Look around! Hell is frozen over. That's just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House.", -"3 sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they recently have eaten.The first one says, I swallowed the Ayatollah yesterday, but the guy had eaten so much garlic I still feel sick.The second shark says, That's nothing pal! I swallowed Boris Yeltsin last week and the old guy had so much vodka in him that I'm still drunk.The third shark laughs and said, You lucky guys! I swallowed George W. Bush 3 weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his head, I still can't dive!", -"Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution. After several hours of talk without progress, one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says, Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States. Everyone starts shouting at once. You're nuts! That's crazy!Hear me out! says Yitzhak. We declare war, we lose; the United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over. Sure, says Benny, another minister, that's if we lose - but what if we win?", -"Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi! To which David replies, Of course he does, you tell him everything.", -"Three hunters, Chuck, Thomas and Mick, are on safari. Unfortunately they are captured by cannibals, who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells them they can each have one last wish.What's your last request? he asks Chuck, an American. I'd like a steak, he replies, so the cannibals kill a wildebeeste and serve Chuck with his steak.What do you want? the cannibal chief asks Thomas, a Londoner. I'd like to smoke my cigar, which they let him do.Then the chief asks Mick, an Irishman, What's your last wish? I want you to kick my bum. Be serious, says the chief. Please do it - you promised, says Mick.OK, says the chief and delivers the requested kick. Mick then pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few other cannibals, while the rest run away. Chuck and Thomas are furious.Why didn't you do that in the first place so we wouldn't have had to go through all that? they ask Mick. Mick replies, Are you mad? If I had done that, the UN would have condemned me as the aggressor!", -The best way to end a war is to surrender., -This is the worst joke ever.Give it no smiley face., -This is the best joke ever!Give it a full smiley, -"Guys were sitting around a bar talking about things they bet on. A woman down at the end of the bar says, I bet on things!The bartender says, Oh Yeah! What do you bet on?Woman, Most anything.Bartender, Like what for instance?Woman, See that wall over there? I bet I can pee higher on that wall than you can!Bartender, I'll take that bet! How much do you want to bet?Woman, You name your poison.Bartender, I'll bet you a thousand bucks.Woman, Ok!Bartender, Ladies first.Woman, Pulls up her dress, pulls down her panties, leans back and pees.Your turn, she replies.Bartender, Unzips his pants gets his sure tool out; gets ready to pee.Woman, Hey....you got to do with NO HANDS!", -"A businessman boarded a plane and sat next to Hannah, an elegant woman wearing the largest and most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.This is the Egoheimer diamond, Hannah said. It's beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.What's the curse? the man asked.Mr Egoheimer.", -"Bernard, a 72 year old, is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but Sarah, his wife, persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. Bernard returns home, and Sarah says, So? What did the doctor say?The doctor says I got a flucky.Oh, heavens! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?I don't know - he didn't say, and I forgot to ask.Well, by this time Sarah is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbours, My Bernard was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do! Neighbour 1 says, In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied ice. Ice is the best thing for a flucky.Neighbour 2 says, What are you talking about? Ice is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky.Cold, heat! Now thoroughly agitated, Sarah decides to call the doctor herself. Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?I told him - nothing's wrong. He got off lucky.", -A wig factory was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen.Police are combing the area., -"A man finds a wallet with $700 in it. A few days later, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy man has lost his wallet and is offering a $50 reward to anyone who returns it. He soon locates the owner and gives him the wallet, and the rich man counts the money and says, I see you have already taken your reward. The poor man responds, What are you talking about? The wealthy man continues, This wallet had $750 in it when I lost it.The two men begin arguing, and eventually they go to court to sort out their differences. Both men present their case, the poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, Your Honour, I trust you believe me.The Judge says, Of course. The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the Judge takes the wallet out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it. What are you doing? the rich man yells angrily.The Judge responds, You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had $750 in it, I'm sure it did - but if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all, which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money - otherwise, it stays with the man who found it.What about my money? the rich man asks.Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody finds your wallet with the $750 in it!", -"Harry and his neighbour Joe often borrowed things from each other. One day, Harry asked to borrow Joe's ladder.Joe said, Sorry Harry, I've lent it to my son.Remembering a saying that his grandma often used to tell him, Harry said, Joe, you should never lend anything to your children because you'll never get it back.Joe replied, Don't worry, it's not my ladder - it's my dad's.", -"Bill and Sarah were Londoners and were blessed with seven healthy children. After many months of discussion, they finally decided to move to New York. It should have been a simple enough move, but when they arrived, they had great difficulty finding a suitable apartment to live in.Although many were big enough, the landlords always seemed to object to such a large family living there. If only Bill wasn't so honest about the size of his family!After several days of unsuccessful searching, Bill had an idea. He told Sarah to take the four younger children to visit the local cemetery while he went with the older three children to find an apartment. After looking for most of the morning, Bill found a place that was ideal. The landlord asked him, How many children do you have?Bill answered with a deep sigh, Seven . . . but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery.He got the apartment!", -"Pete and Mick were in court and standing before the judge.Why can't this case be settled out of court? the judge asked.Pete looked up at the judge and said, That's what we were trying to do, your honour, when the police interfered.", -"When Jacob was finally given an exit visa by the Russians and allowed to immigrate to Israel, he was told he could only take what he could put into one suitcase. At Moscow airport, he was stopped by customs and an official shouted, Open your case at once.Jacob did what he was told. The official searched through his case and pulled out something wrapped in newspaper. He unwrapped it and saw it was a bust of Stalin.What is that? he shouted at Jacob. Jacob replied, You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to remind me of the wonderful things he did for me and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind.The official sneered. I always knew you Jews were mad. Go, and take the bust with you. When Jacob arrived at Ben Gurion airport, a customs officer said, Shalom, welcome to Israel, open your case, please! Jacob's case was once again searched and not surprisingly the bust was found. What is that? asked the officer. Jacob replied, You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is Stalin, the bastard. I want to spit on it every day to remind me of all the suffering and misery he caused me.The official laughed, I always knew you Russians were mad. Go, and take the bust with you. When Jacob arrived at his new home, his young nephew watched him as he unpacked. Jacob carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table. Who is that? asked his nephew.Jacob replied, You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?' - you should ask 'What is that?' That is five kilos of gold.", -"A girl named Zoey goes up to an artist and asks him to paint a picture of her face. But Miss Zoey, if I paint a picture of your face then I can never be an artist again.Why? she asked.Because if I look at your face too long, I will go blind.", -"A man is bitten by a rabid dog he found wandering in his yard. Frantically, he rushes his computer and begins typing something. His neighbor walks in, and mentions to him that he need not worry, there is a cure for rabies.He replies, I know that; I'm finding where George Bush is right now!", -"How It WorksOnce upon a time a man told a small village, I will buymonkeys for $10 each.Since there were many monkeys in the forest, the villagers caught them and sold them to the man.As the supply of monkeys diminished, the villagers' efforts slowed, so the man offered them $20 each.They renewed their efforts but the supply of monkeys diminished further, so he increased his price to $25.Soon no one could even find a monkey in the forest.The man increased his price to $50, but announced, Since I must go to the city on business, I authorize my assistant to buy monkeys on my behalf.As soon as his boss was gone, the assistant told the villagers, My boss has collected lots of monkeys. I'll sell them to you for $35 and then, when he returns, you can sell them to him for $50.The villagers rounded up all the money they could and bought as many monkeys as possible. Soon they had monkeys everywhere...... but they never saw the man or his assistant again.And now you understand the workings of the stock market.", -"Sleepy just ran back into the house after reading the newspaper and exclaimed, Everyone! Everyone, the Pope is coming to town this weekend! Grumpy replies, Great! Now we can ask him the question!The weekend rolls around and they stand in line to speak to the pope, it's finally their turn and they send up Dopey and await for him to ask the Pope their question.Umm... Mr. Pope, do... Do they have nuns in Alaska? asks Dopey. Well, I do think so, yes they do, son, replied the Pope.Tell the rest tell the rest! yelled the other 6 little annoying midgets. Umm... do, do they have black nuns in Alaska? asked Dopey.Well.. I don't see why they wouldn't, so yes, they do. replied the Pope. Tell him the rest!! Go on! the 6 dwarfs yelled to Dopey. Do... do they have black midget nuns in Alaska? Dopey asked.Hmmm... nope, I don't think so, boy, why do you ask? replied the Pope, to which all the little 6 dwarfs exclaimed,Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!", -16 more white keys than black keys on a piano., -Beijing Capital of China., -8 planets in solar system., -X-axis Y-axis Z-axis time 4 dimensions., -7 7 7 Jackpot!, -3.6 coulombs in a milliampere-hour., -"The Fibonacci sequence 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21... starts with two 1's, and each term afterward is the sum of its two predecessors. Which one of the ten digits is the last to appear in the units position of a number in the Fibonacci sequence?Just write out their units digits, and mark the digits that appear for the first time., 1, , , , , 3, 1, , 5, , 4, 3, , , ...Therefore, 6 is the last to appear.", -A A A A K biggest 4 of a kind., -"Natrium chloride table salt.Natrium, from which the symbol Na derives, is the German word of sodium.", -Can you decipher this phrase?B BUSINESS BUSINESSACKGetting back down to business!, -Can you decipher this phrase?ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ 2Mistletoe!, -Can You Decipher This Phrase?DEINPTH VESTINIGATIONIn depth investigation!, -Can You Decipher This Phrase?BALLBBALLABALLSBALLKBALLEBALLTBALLBasket Balls!, -Can you decipher this phrase?T T TU I UL P LI T IP O PS E STiptoe through the tulips!, -Can you decipher this phrase?FORWARDStraightforward!, -Can you decipher this phrase?ONALLEAll in one!, -Can you decipher this phrase?L L I HUphill!, -"I've been out of work for a while, so when I found a job sorting salt and pepper, I was most pleased.The only drawback is that it's seasonal work.", -"In the city of Gilacopa during the year of 1832 there was a great poet. He wrote some of the most beautiful poems the world had ever known. One day his assistant was in his office and he noticed a sheet of paper on his desk and he figured it must of been the poets newest work.The assistant could not understand the poem so he took it over to the neighbor whom was much wiser than he. The neighbor looked at the poem and declared, It is clearly a tribute to the troops in Iraq, but this could not be so since this was the 1830's and there was no war in Iraq yet, so they took the poem to the psychologist who was much wiser than they.The pychologist looked at this and said, This is obviously a poem about a woman whom he loves, but this could not be since there were only two females in this town one that was 75 and another that was only 4, so the assistant, the neighbor, and the psychologist took the poem to the painter whom was much wiser than they. The artist looked at the poem long and hard and finally stated, This is obviously related to the poet having financial issues, but this could not be since the poet was a very wealthy man.The town argued for 3 hours over the meaning of the poem when a hobo saw the ruckus. He asked what the problem was and the townspeople explained to him their confusion and showed him the paper. After only a few seconds the hobo said, This is a receipt for wine and a $5 lap dance at The Pimps Titty Bar.", -"YOU'RE READING IT, YOU DOPE!", -MADE YOU LOOK!, -"1. Regular naps prevent old age.... especially if you take them while driving.2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee. 3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! 4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.8.. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it. 9. True friends stab you in the front.10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me. 11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. 13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. 14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. 15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner. 16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. 17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you. 19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something. 20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.", -"Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy.Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull.They're packed with nutrients.The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the storyBullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.", -Homework... something you go to school hours for and not do., -Can you decipher this phrase?MTGGA hungry horse!MT GG ., -Can you decipher the following common phrase?ANDEDUnderhanded!, -"Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto.Pluto because it's no longer a planet.", -What was the last thing that Abraham Lincoln did?He died., -"8 protons, 8 neutrons and 8 electrons in an oxygen atom!", -Can you decipher this phrase?E D O W NDISUpside down!, -Can you decipher this phrase?ENUTTune up!, -"There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.The director says, This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress'. The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress. The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! You bloody fool! he cried, You have ruined me! The actor was bewildered, What happened, did I forget my line? No! screamed the director. You forgot the rose!", -"The computer, the greatest invention in life even though it's bad for you.", -"Natalie had three very active young sons and they were quite a handful. One summer evening she was playing cowboys and Indians with them in her front garden when one of the boys shot her and shouted Bang! You're dead, Mum, so Natalie fell down.Her next door neighbour had been watching all this and when Natalie didn't get up straight away, he ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.When the neighbour bent over her, Natalie opened one eye and said to him, Shhh. Please don't give me away, it's the only chance I've had to have a rest all day.", -"Louis was talking to his friend Pete.There's nothing I wouldn't do for my Becky, he said, and there's nothing Becky wouldn't do for me, and that's how we go through life - doing nothing for each other.", -"Make sure the lawyer YOU hire does not do any of these things:1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you cocaine.2. He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is,they high-five each other.4. He picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.6. He asks a hostile witness to pull my finger.7. A prison guard is shaving your head.8. Every couple of minutes he yells, I call Jack Daniels to the stand! and proceeds to drink a shot.9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.10. He places a large No Refunds sign on the defense table.11. He begins closing arguments with, As AllyMcBeal once said ...12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.13. Just before trial starts he whispers, The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?14. Just before he says Your Honor, he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.15. The sign in front of his law office reads Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM.16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, Whatever.Thank you for checking these precautions.", -Yo Momma is stupid that she went hunting for whales in Ohio!, -"Yo Momma's breath is so bad, that when she entered the basement all the rats passed out!", -"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush, former U.S. President It is white. - George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel Solutions are not the answer. - Richard Nixon, former U.S. PresidentHi I'm Dean White, Dick, of the college. - Richard White, Duke University academic Dean introducing himself at a faculty dinnerPolitics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that. - Bill Clinton, former U.S. presidentYou guys line up alphabetically by height. - Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach The internet is a great way to get on the net. - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate I would say that anything that is indecent and violent in TV is a crime against humanity and they should shoot the head man responsible. - Ted Turner, Media Mogul", -"Yo momma so fat, when she wears a yellow shirt and goes outside, the sun gets jealous! Yo momma so ugly, I don't know who you and her are related!Yo momma so old, fat, ugly, and stupid, people are still wondering why your dad married her! Yo momma so stupid, she cheated off herself!Yo momma so fat, if she stops eating, it would end world hunger!Yo momma so gassy, she started global warming!Yo momma so fat, everytime she farts people think there's an earthquake!Yo momma so short, I saw her feet in her driver's license!Yo momma so fat, when she went to New York someone shouted Hey look, it's King KongYo momma so poor, when I visited you and picked up a penny, yo momma starts screaming, We lost the family treasure!Yo momma so fat, she made the universe look like marbles!Yo momma so ugly, people think that Michael Jackson and her are related!Yo momma so stupid, she sold her car for gas money!Yo momma so stupid, when she drives she didn't know where to go on a One Way street!Yo momma so stupid, she tried to break into her own house!Yo momma so stupid, she caught herself stealing!Yo momma so ugly, she needs two masks to cover her face!Yo momma so ugly, when she forgot to wear a costume for a costume contest, she won!Yo momma so poor, she stole from the 99 cents store!Yo momma so poor, she couldn't afford to live in a box!", -"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer. - David Acfield And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago - David Coleman, SportscasterI haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something. - Dennis Rodman, NBA Basketball player, on Chicago Bull's team chemistry being overrated The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing. - Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series. We are trying to change the 1974 Constitution, whenever that was passed. - Donald Kennard, Louisiana state representative If only faces could talk... - Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super BowlIf people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it. - Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company The FA are still optimistic about England's bid to stage the World Cup in twenty thousand and six. - Peter Snow, BBC2 anchormanCan you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no. - Police detective questioning a wounded officerI'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes. - Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh", -Q. What did God say after creating AdamA. I must be able to do better than that. Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?A. Put the remote control between his toes.Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?A. A widow.Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?A. They won't stop to ask for directions.Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?A. So men can be open minded.Q. How are men and parking spots alike?A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common?A. They are all married., -What starts with a p and ends with the letters orn?Popcorn! What were you thinking?What starts with a f and ends with the letters uck?Firetruck! What were you thinking?What starts with a b and ends with the letters itch?Bewitch! What were you thinking?, -"Going home on the bus one evening a man was whiling away the time by doing a crossword.Three more men got on the bus at the next stop, and as they passed, one said, If it's any help to you, 7 Up is lemonade.", -"A Japanese doctor says, Medicine in our country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks.A German doctor says, That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.A British doctor says, In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in four weeks.The Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, You guys are way behind. We took a woman with no brains, sent her to Michigan where she became Governor, and now half the state is out looking for work.", -Knock-knockWho's thereIt's me. This is not a joke.It's me. This is not a joke. who?Grrrrrrrrrr..., -"Go ask your mother. Really means.... I am incapable of making a decision.You know how bad my memory is. Really means.... I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses. Really means.... The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.Football is a man's game. Really means.... Women are generally too smart to play it.Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal. Really means.... I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.I do help around the house. Really means.... I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing. Really means.... And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.I can't find it. Really means.... It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.What did I do this time? Really means.... What did you catch me at?What do you mean, you need new clothes? Really means.... You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.She's one of those rabid feminists. Really means.... She refused to make my coffee.But I hate to go shopping. Really means.... Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.No, I left plenty of gas in the car. Really means.... You may actually get it to start.I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys. Really means.... I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.I heard you. Really means.... I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.You know I could never love anyone else. Really means.... I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.You look terrific. Really means.... Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.I brought you a present. Really means.... It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.I missed you. Really means.... I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are. Really means.... No one will ever see us alive again.We share the housework. Really means.... I make the messes, she cleans them up.This relationship is getting too serious. Really means.... I like you more than my truck.I recycle. Really means.... We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful. Really means.... Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?It sure snowed last night. Really means.... I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.It's good beer. Really means.... It was on sale.I don't need to read the instructions. Really means.... I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.I'll fix the garbage disposal later. Really means.... If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one.I broke up with her. Really means.... She dumped me.I'll take you to a fancy restaurant. Really means.... Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window.", -"When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, Praise the Lord, Amen, and Glory! I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years.", -"Judi, did you ever try marriage counseling? Monika asked. No, Judi snarled. That stupid dickhead, shit-for-brains, moronic ex-husband of mind would have just told the counselor I was 'insensitive.'", -"A man goes into a pet store, plants a bomb, and as he leaves, calls out, You have one minute to get out!At that, a tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, You BASTARD!", -"One morning, Pete and Sally decided to go out for breakfast. The waitress at The Almond Tree told them that the special that morning was two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns and toast for $3.99.That sounds good, said Sally, but I don't want the eggs.OK, said the waitress, but I will then have to charge you $4.50.Why? asked Pete, it doesn't make sense.Because you will then in effect be ordering a la carte, the waitress replied.Do you mean I'll have to pay for not taking the eggs? Sally asked.Yes, replied the waitress.OK then, I'll take the special, says Sally.How do you want your eggs done? asked the waitress.Raw and in the shell, Sally replied.At the end of the meal, Sally took the two eggs home.", -"Mary took her husband Bernie to see a psychiatrist for a check up. After examining him, the doctor took Mary to one side and said, I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your husband. His mind has completely gone.I'm not really surprised, Mary replied, Bernie's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years.", -"Private Benny and Private Harry are leading a donkey down a muddy road near their barracks when the animal suddenly just drops dead. An officer sees this happen, and while Benny and Harry are standing there wondering what they should do, the officer goes up to them. He quickly sizes up the situation and instructs them to get some shovels from the camp and bury the poor animal.Later, while they were digging the hole, Benny says, Wow, is this one big mule. Harry says, It's not a mule, Benny, it's a donkey.As they continue to argue, donkey, mule, donkey, mule, another officer, this time a priest, stops to ask them what they are arguing about. They tell him of their disagreement. The priest looks at the animal and says, It's neither a donkey or a mule. According to the bible, it is obviously an ass. Now get back to work.As they continue to dig, another officer arrives on the scene and asks them, What are you men digging, a fox hole?No sir, replies Benny, not according to the bible.", -"As part of a class project, the teacher had every student create a model rocket. When she was teaching them about how the rockets lift into the air, some kids seemed to be confused. She scolded them yelling, It's not that hard! It's not rocket science!", -Did you hear about the gay guy that put a Nicotine patch on his penis?He's down to three butts a day!, -"Yo momma is so old, she has toys made in America.", -"My bus driver for my school is always trying to say that he's a gangster. But no one ever believes him so the other day I confronted him. So I asked, are you really a gangster? He sweated nervously, shaking and then he finally answered of course I am I'm from the West Side. I did not feel that to be a sufficient answer so I then asked him West Side of where? He mumbled to himself a while and then answered me West Side of Malibu.", -"Mike, a 3-year-old, proudly walked into the kitchen of his house carrying a caterpillar. However, his mother was disgusted and wanted Mike to take it outside. Mike, his mother is probably looking for him. Why don't you take him outside? said the mother.Three minutes later, Mike was back. Look mommy! he said, showing his mother two caterpillars. I got his mommy too!", -5 diagonals of a pentagon., -9 diagonals of a hexagon., -4 22, -9 tails of a fox., -2 special administrative regions in China. , -Dozen^2 Gross., -100 decimeters in a decameter., -101 keys on a computer keyboard., -Jack and Jill went down the hill., -Jack 11 in cards., -"A few months after his parents were divorced, Nick passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, I need a man, I need a man! Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Nick ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!", -"A few people wanted to ride a train. They brought the tickets and got on. Then they realized that the train didn't have bathrooms. One passenger had to go and he was not going to get off because the train could leave any moment.So he stuck his butt out the window and was in the middle of his business when suddenly someone annouced,Hey! The passenger with the big face, you can't stick your head out the window and eat a huge piece of chocolate!!!!", -"Yesterday my mother asked me to buy some stamps. Stamps, are available in 3p, 9p, 11p, 17p and 21p denominations. For three types of stamp I was asked to buy eight of each. For the other two types of stamp, I was asked to buy nine of each. Unfortunately I forgot which I was supposed to buy eight of and which to buy nine of. Luckily my mother had given me the exact money required to buy the stamps, £5.00 and the shopkeeper was able to give me the correct stamps. Which stamps did I buy? Eight lots of 11p, 17p and 21p and nine lots of 3p and 9p. The shopkeeper rightly figured that I required eight lots of each of the stamps, which came to £4.88, he also knew I required two more stamps which added up to the difference. QED.", -"Polly Perkins was after a talking parrot, so she went to the local pet shop in the hope of securing such a find. She was in luck. The shop assistant assured her that the parrot would learn and repeat any word or phrase it heard. Polly was delighted. However, a week later, the parrot still hadn't spoken a word. Polly returned to the shop to complain, however, it appeared that the assistant was accurate in what he had said, and refused a refund. Why didn't the parrot talk? The parrot was deaf and as such couldn't repeat a single word it had heard!", -"Recently, Snow White's seven dwarfs met up with three of their friends and went to the cinema to see Bambi. From the clues below, can you determine the order in which they stood in the ticket queue? Grumpy was in front of Dopey. Stumpy was behind Sneezy and Doc. Doc was in front of Droopy and Happy. Sleepy was behind Stumpy, Smelly and Happy. Happy was in front of Sleepy, Smelly and Bashful. Bashful was behind Smelly, Droopy and Sleepy. Sneezy was in front of Dopey. Smelly was in front of Grumpy, Stumpy and Sneezy. Dopey was in front of Droopy. Sleepy was in front of Grumpy and Bashful. Dopey was behind Sneezy, Doc and Sleepy. Stumpy was in front of Dopey. Smelly was behind Doc. DocHappySmellySneezyStumpySleepyGrumpyDopeyDroopyBashful", -Can you decipher this phrase?EHCA Backache!, -Can you decipher this phrase?box box box box boxbox box box box boxbox box Shit box boxbox box box box boxbox box box box boxShit in the box!, -Can You Decipher This Phrase?STEP -A step in the right direction!, -Meteorologists - People who tell something wrong and still get paid., -Period- The thing at the end of a sentence., -1st Stage - You believe in Santa2nd Stage - You don't believe in Santa3rd Stage - You are Santa4th Stage - You look like Santa, -"There was once a boy born named Jeff. When Jeff was born, he only had a father, since his mother had died giving birth, and as a result, he was also an only child. His father looked at his new son, proud over his new baby's good looks and wise looking appearance. The father had high hopes for his baby.Soon, Jeff was already 4, and was sent to the local preschool. There, although the teachers said that he was a little misbehaved, still socialized a lot and made many friends. As a result, Jeff made his father proud of his son. When summer came and preschool ended, the father asked his son what he wanted as a present for making him so proud. Jeff thought a second and replied, I want a yellow golf ball. So, without hesitation, the happy father bought his son a yellow golf ball.Time passed, and Jeff was already in elementary school. Kindergarten was the same as preschool, so was first grade and second grade, Jeff had a great time, making friends and etc. Then when 3rd grade came Jeff was soon encountered with many obstacles, such as the popularity food chain and academics. Although, conquering these problems, Jeff managed to overcome them and get great grades, straight A's in fact. His father was so proud, and on graduation day, he asked him, Jeff, what do you want for your graduation present? Jeff replied, I want a yellow golf ball. The father now got a little curious, wondering why Jeff wanted another yellow golf ball. But, he still bought him the yellow golf ball.The summer zipped right by, and Jeff found him into the world of middle school. 6th-8th grade was challenging and tough, and distracted by a small crush in 7th grade, Jeff got an A-, although he soon got over it and got straight A's again. By 8th grade, Jeff was Valedictorian of his grade. His father was very very proud of Jeff, and when graduation day came again, he proudly hugged his son and let everyone know it was his flesh and blood that was valedictorian of the entire grade. So, he asked his son what he wanted for his graduation present, as well as a gift fro making him so proud. Jeff, again, said, I want a yellow golf ball. With these words, the father got very curious, why over these years all his son wanted were yellow golf balls? He gave him other options, Gee son, you know...you really made your old man proud. I'll get you anything. Do you want a, uh...Xbox 360? An HDTV? Orrr... Jeff just calmly said, I want a yellow golf ball. Now, for the third time in his life, he bought Jeff a yellow golf ball.Now, Jeff is in High School, where real challenges came. Jeff went through things such as peer pressure, curiosity, even more academic stress, and once again, the popularity chain. Freshman year went bumpy, although Jeff still delivered his usual amount of straight A's. In Sophomore year he got a girlfriend and smoked his first cigarette, decreasing his perfect grades, piling up A-'s and even a B. Of course, she dumped him in junior year, which sent him into depression; getting B's and even a C. Then, when the SAT's came, Jeff got serious. He prepared for it and although it was difficult, he aced it. Although, when senior year came, Jeff had to decide to completely put himself together and he quit smoking and once again managed to get the straight A's. He was, once again, valedictorian. His father was now so proud of him. After graduation, he asked his son, Jeff, you have filled my life with such happiness, I want to pay you back. What do YOU want the most? Jeff thought a second, and said, I want a yellow golf ball. There was an awkward silence, and the father was dumbfounded, and said, You sure? You don't...want a car or anything...maybe a pony? I want a yellow golf ball. Well...okay then. So, almost against his will, he bought his son another yellow golf ball.Jeff got into Harvard University, and the circle once again repeated. He encountered same obstacles, which now he was prepared for and easily avoided/defeated. He got perfect scores and even a girlfriend, who dumped him shortly after. He still had many friends and got into graduate school, which he did not plan on going to since he decided he wanted to have a life. All the professors loved him, and every student looked up to him. He was the role model student of Harvard. Soon, the 4 years passed and graduation day came once again. His father had heard of him and his reputation he had made for himself at the school and for his future. He was so proud of him and thanked God for blessing him with such a talented boy as a child. Since Jeff was over 20 and officially a man now, at home after his graduation party his father popped a couple of beers and congratulated his son, and in all the happiness he asked, Son...I cannot even describe what you have done for me...what do you want for your present? I will get you it. Jeff smiled and said, I want a yellow golf ball Right there his father just stood there for 5 seconds completely dumbfounded and confused. Why were yellow golf balls such an interest to his son? They could literally afford anything now . He said, Are you absolutely sure? You don't want...a Ferrari, a house, a yacht? I want a yellow golf ball So, feeling helpless but still happy at his son's achievements, he bought Jeff a yellow golf ball.Jeff soon went to live away from his father and on his own, although he still loved him very much. He became CEO of both Microsoft and Macintosh, and he managed to combine the two companies, making him dirty stinking' rich. But, he was humble and lived in a quiet house in Kentucky. However, one day tragedy struck, Jeff was engaged in a car accident involving an Asian driving student. He was hospitalized and told his condition was fatal. His father was contacted immediately. He saw his magnificent son, now in a mangled state, and in all the sadness he asked Jeff, ignoring all financial factors, what he wanted. He would get him anything, anything in the entire world. Jeff laid there in the hospital bed, weak, although through some strength, he said, Dad...I want...a yellow golf ball The father just went, .............., and now furious over the curiosity, he asked his son hastily although gently, Why do you want a yellow golf ball? Really. All these years, why? I want a yellow golf ball. ...No, not unless you tell me Jeff now sighed and said, Well, father, I want a yellow golf ball because--Then he died.This joke is dedicated to the friend that told me it, David S.", -"1. You get mad when you don't find a fly in your soup.2. You buy out the supply of wart removal cream in your drugstore constantly.3. French chefs are eyeing your legs and appear to be following you.4. Bug lamps appear to you as a curse.5. On applications, you list 'Pond' as your home address.6. Kermit is your idol.7. You get mad whenever Miss Piggy makes a pass at Kermit.8. Have seen the movie 'The Fly' at least ten times.9. You live in fear that some day you will wind up in a child's aquarium.10. France is the evil empire to you.", -"10) Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.9) The sentence, Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket? sounds normal.8) You are used to doing everything one-handed.7) The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.6) The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.5) Your idea of romance is handholding.4) You answer the question, How are you? with, We're fine.3) You decide whether a shirt is wearable, not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.2) You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think, Hey, I wonder if I could interest her in . . . babysitting?And the 1 way to tell that you're a new dad:1) It takes you two months to write and send out a simple Top-10-style joke email.", -"10. If it's wet make it dry.9. If it's dry make it wet.8. Always ask for on-call pay before agreeing to overtime.7. Never tell management what you are really thinking.6. Never finish report with, You have an easy assignment.5. Never say. This looks like a easy assignment.4. Don't expect nurses aids to do their job.3. Don't expect doctors to believe any thing you tell them.2. If you don't have enough time to do everything, take about 30 minutes to complain about it.1. If it moves, rattles, shakes, falls down, or won't stay in place, tape it.", -Why did the moron stare at frozen orange juice? Because it said 'concentrate.'Did you hear about the moron that got an AM radio?It took him a month to realize he could play it at night!What did the moron say when he put a quarter in the parking meter?Hey! Where is my gumball?Why did the moron tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!How do you drown a moron?Put scratch-n-sniff stickers at the bottom of the pool!Why did the moron climb the glass wall?To see what was on the other side!Why can't morons dial 911?They can't find the 11 on the phone!, -"But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that?Did I mention the video camera?Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!Can you please pass me the remote control?Do you accept Visa?ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOn second thought, let's turn off the lights.Do you get any premium movie channels?Try not to smear my make-up, will ya?But I just brushed my teeth . . .Smile, you're on Candid Camera!Did you know the ceiling needs painting?Did I remember to take my pill?But my cat always sleeps on that pillow . . .Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?You're almost as good as my ex!Now I know why he/she dumped you . . .What are you planning to make for breakfast?I have a confession . . .You can cook too, right?Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.Don't mind me . . . I always file my nails in bed.", -"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Demi Moore had a baby!Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?I hope you're ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?Stop your swearing and just breathe.Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.You don't have the guts to pull that trigger.", -"1.When you walk into the bathroom, shout loudly that you have explosive diarrhea.2.When on the urinal , slowly turn your head toward their genital area then swiftly turn your head back and start laughing.3.Put a mud, corn meal, crushed rotten eggs, animal blood and marmite mixture into each one of the toilets.4.When on the toilet, make loud grunting and straining noises, making sure the person in the stall next to you can hear, then drop a melon into the toilet and give a long relaxing sigh.5.Repeat 4 only replace the dropping melon with an audio recording of an atomic bomb blast.6.Take a bag of fake blood or ketchup, and while on the toilet say loudly, Oh no I'm peeing blood again, and let the fake blood drip onto the floor, making sure the person in the stall next to you can see it.7.Put big boots and a cheap pair of long pants stuffed with straw in every stall and lock the doors, making it look like it's occupied, then spike everyone's meal in the building with heavy duty prune juice.8.Hide a DVD player in the bathroom and put on a long porno, making sure it includes very seductive audio).9.Take a water gun into the bathroom and while on the toilet, spray the stall wall, and say, Whoa! Easy there, little fella!10.While on the toilet, sing, The Phantom Of The Opera, very loudly.11. Take animal or fake guts into the bathroom, then try to hold up a very long line, making sure there are a lot of people waiting for the bathroom. Clog the toilet with the animal guts by forcing it to flush down, but stuck in the pipes, which will be pushed back out if flushed again . Walk out of the stall and ignore the line of pissed off people waitign to use the toilet, wait in the bathroom entrance. When you hear the first flush, listen to the screams and people rushing out of the bathroom.12.Put a walkie-talkie behind one of the toilets while you're holding the other one, hide in the vents. When a person walks into the stall with the walkie-talkie and begin to take a dump, make loud farting noises and explosion sounds with into your walkie-talkie.", -"Can you complete this sentence using two words which are anagrams of each other? Whilst driving his car at a reckless speed, the driver was distracted by his dog _______. Luckily, he managed to complete the _______ manoeuvre without crashing. Whilst driving his car at a reckless speed, the driver was distracted by his dog barking. Luckily, he managed to complete the braking manoeuvre without crashing.", -"I have a machine which has four cog wheels in constant mesh. The largest cog has 72 teeth and the others have 36, 25 and 15 respectively. How many revolutions must the largest cog make before each of the cogs is back in its starting position? 25 revolutions.", -Remove seven letters from this grid to leave two numbers. S F E V EI N L V ET E T F ER O S U R Simply remove 'SEVEN LETTERS' and you are left with FIVE and FOUR:- F - - -I - - V -- E - F -- O - U R, -"What starts with an E, ends with an E and usually contains only one letter? ENVELOPE!", -"I was traveling from Chesterton to Newcastle recently when I came across a sign which had fallen off its post at the crossroads. It was marked to Newcastle, Chesterton, Knutton and Silverdale. Unfortunately I didn't know which road to take to Newcastle and had hoped the sign would help. Luckily, I had a great idea which helped me put the sign back up pointing correctly to Newcastle. What was my idea? I simply pointed Chesterton back the way I had come and this left the sign in its correct orientation.", -"During a recent expedition, three intrepid adventurers were left stranded in the middle of the desert with only a crate full of apples. During the night, Alan woke up and decided to hide his share of the apples, one-third, then promptly fell asleep again. Brian woke up shortly after and also decided to hide a third of the remaining apples and he also dozed back to sleep. Finally, Charlie woke up and seeing the others were asleep, took a third of what was left. Of course none of the adventurers knew of the other's antics, so, in the morning, they shared the remaining apples, each receiving sixteen. How many apples were in the crate originally? 162 apples.Alan hid 54, leaving 108. Brain hid 36, leaving 72. Charlie hid 24, leaving 48. 48 apples were then available to share in the morning.", -"Team has no I in it, but it does have a M and E in it, making me.", -"One day little Billy went screaming to his mom, Mommy! Mommy! Theres a shrimp stuck between grandma's legs! His mother, intruiged by this, brought Billy to grandma, who was sleeping on the bed with her legs apart. The mother looked and laughed and said, Why, that's not a shrimp! That's her privates, a vagina! Billy smiled and said, Really? It sure tastes like shrimp...", -"A woman named Denise couldn't read her book. Her daughter Kelly was clicking away on the computer, but this time she was talking in a strange voice.Denise decided to go check on what Kelly was doing. Kelly, she said in a stern tone, I told you no talking on the computer when I'm trying to read!Her daughter looked confused. What? It was just the man with the Apple iPhone.The next day the Apple iPhone arrived, but Kelly was grounded from her computer for a month. Denise tried to read, but yet again Kelly was talking in that strange voice. She said the same thing to Kelly, but she simply responded, What? It's just the man with the Wii.The Wii arrived the next day and Kelly was now grounded from every electronic system there ever was. But Kelly was still talking in that voice! Denise was steaming now and threatened to ground Kelly for a year. WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? Denise yelled.Kelly was trembling, but calmly she said, It's Dad. He's been talking right next to me every day.", -Managed to remember some MORE Redneck lines while hearing a couple more.You know you're a redneck when:You lost your virginity at the age of 11.You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.You take a fishing pole to Sea World.The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.Your TV is a bag of manure on fire.Your family reunion was at the NRA convention.Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.You've shot somebody over a mall parking space.Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.Making a chocolate cake has nothing to do with chocolate.You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test., -"Got some more Redneck lines . . .You know you're a Redneck when:More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.You think the stock market has a fence around it.Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.You have a Ku Klux Klan uniform somewhere in your trailer.Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.Your amount of children is more than the amount of Oompa Loompas in Willy Wonka's factory.Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.You keep a can of DDT on the kitchen table.You've smashed a computer once, claiming it was a scary robot from the future.You've used a toilet seat as a picture frame.You own a homemade fur coat.Your Christmas tree is still up in February.You've totaled every car you've ever owned.You've ever been arrested for loitering.There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.Your momma has ammo on her Christmas list.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.You've mistaken your wife for a bear.You've attended a shotgun wedding.", -"Now here's a classic joke that's been told by many kids, that should be very well known . . . anyway, after you read this, it's funny to try it on someoneAfter every statement, say, Behind the rock1. Billy went2. He took off his shoes3. He took off his socks4. He took off his shirt5. He took off his pants6. He took off his undies7. He made out with someone8. Where were you?", -Was there any doubt?, -"I wonder if my friend, Kent as submitted a joke about me saying how brave I am.", -"There was a nearly-new television for sale the other day. It has a 42-inch plasma screen, and I bought it for $50.The only thing wrong was that there was no volume control - but at that price, I couldn't turn it down!", -"A tramp knocked on the door of a house.What do you want? said the owner. Can you spare some money to help a poor person? said the beggar. As soon he was given a few coins and told to go on his way, the beggar complained, Your son gave me twice as much when I called here last week.Well, my son can afford to, said the owner, he has a very rich father.", -"Elsie walked into a print lab to have a photo of her deceased husband copied and retouched.She said to the technician, I have always hated the hat that my husband is wearing in the photo. Could you please retouch the hat out? Of course, said the technician; what colour hair did your husband have?When you take the hat off, you'll see, she said.", -"A boy was assigned a job to do a list of spelling words for his class. The boy asked the teacher what spelling words to do. She replies Ask your family for help if you can't think of anything. So the boy went home to ask his family for any help.Mom, can you give me a spelling word for my list? the boy asked. The mother was so busy on the phone, that she told her son to shut up. The boy thought Shut Up! was the word that his mother gave him. So he wrote it down, and walked along to his sister's room. His sister was on the computer, reading about a diary out loud. The boy asked the same thing to his sister, except this time, she replies with Whatever.. So the boy wrote it down, and moved along to his brother's room. The brother was watching Batman. When he came in, before even asking the question, the brother started to sing the batman theme song. DUN-DUN..DUN-DUN!!!BATMAN!! So the boy thought his brother was a physic and wrote it down. Last, but not least, his father was the last one. His father was in the bathroom, washing the toilet. He started to sing his favorite song during cleaning time. In the toi--lot.. INNNNNN the TOI--LOT!!! The boy wrote that down without a doubt. Then, as he finished packing his bag for school tomorrow, he re-read the paper. Then he snickered, put the paper in his bag, and went to sleep.The next day, the boy quickly came into the class with the other kids. The teacher asked the boy if he could read the first word, the boy did as he was told, and said Shut Up!! The teacher was very displeased and told the boy a warning. The boy continued to read his words even if he wasn't told. He said Whatever.. in a tone that wasn't very nice. So the teacher did as her words told her, she sent him to the principal's office. The principal asked what was the boy's name. With that, he continued to say his list of words. DUN-DUN..DUN-DUN!!!BATMAN!! Then principal was a bit of surprised, but still guessing the boy thinks this is a game, so he went along. Ok batman, why don't you tell me where your hideout is.. The boy said In the toi--lot.. INNNNNN the TOI--LOT!!!", -"The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone.I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.", -"I want to kick the guy who invented the snooze button...then five minutes later, I'll kick him again.Thanks Andrew!", -"Conserve water and electricity, shower with a steamy hot friend.", -"Yo momma so fat, she cut herself and bled gravy!", -"Yo momma's lips are so big, she made Angelina Jolie jealous!", -"Philip is telling his friends about his recent divorce.Yes, it's true. Sylvie divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any.", -"Yo momma's breath smells so bad, her teeth duck when she yawns!", -"A recent immigrant had just completed a training course titled, 'Improve your English' and was taking an oral exam. The examiner asked him to spell 'cultivate.' Jacob spelled it correctly.The examiner then asked Jacob to use the word 'cultivate' in a sentence.Jacob thought about it for a while, then replied, Last winter, on a very cold day, I was waiting for the bus but it was too cultivate so I walked home.", -"Yo momma's so ugly, you can press her face in some dough and make gorilla cookies!", -Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry., -Yo momma so ugly the plastic surgeon sued her., -Yo momma so ugly she made a mime scream., -Yo momma so ugly they renamed Halloween Yo-momma-ween., -"Sharon and her friend Kitty, two little elderly ladies, are out for a drive in a large Mercedes with Kitty driving and Sharon in the front passenger seat. After a few minutes, they come to some traffic lights but although the lights are clearly at red, the car just continues across the intersection.Sharon says to herself, I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.A few minutes later, they come to another set of lights and again they go through red, this time narrowly missing a car driving across them. Although Sharon is sure the light was at red, she is still convinced she is losing it. She is now getting very nervous.At the next intersection, the light is again showing red and as before, the car goes across without slowing, so Sharon turns to Kitty and says, Hey, did you know that you just passed 3 red lights in a row? What on earth are you doing are you trying to kill us?Kitty turns to Sharon and replies, Oh! Am I driving?", -"Jack and Joe are in a diner where there's a computer who gives advice to the people in the diner. Jack starts talking about how the two are going to graduate from high school when a young boy walks in. He explains his problem to the computer, which gladly offers him advice. The boy walks out happily.The computer comes over to Jack and Joe. Joe asks, Hey, how come you never help us with our problems?The computer answers, I'm just a computer. I'm not a miracle maker.", -You perverts.., -What color is red? True or false?, -"There once was a man who couldn't speak correctly. He wanted to go buy some stuff for his wife. First, he needed to buy a bucket. Excuse me sir, can I buy a fuck-it? the man asked. The clerk said, You mean a bucket? Yes, that's what I said, a fuck-it. While the man was walking he found some gum. Oh look, bum. He took the gum and walked to the pet store. He wanted to buy a cocker spaniel. Excuse me sir, can I buy a cock-and-spank-it? Sure, but you do mean a cocker spaniel? Yes, that's what I said, a cock-and-spank-it. As the man was walking, and his dog ran away. The man asked a stranger, Excuse me miss, can you hold my bum and fuck-it, while I get my cock-and-spank-it?", -"Jenny walks into a pet shop and says to Bobby, the owner, I want to buy a canary. We have many types, says Bobby, is there any particular one you're after?Yes, replies Jenny, its got to be a very good singer. I'm prepared to pay good money for a great singing bird. Lady, I've got the very one, says Bobby, I've been in this business for a long time and this bird has the best singing voice I've ever heard - we don't call it 'Pavarotti' for nothing. I'll get it for you.As he begins to climb a ladder to reach a small cage on the top shelf, Jenny says, I hope you're not wasting your time. Just because you're climbing a ladder like a monkey won't make me feel obliged to buy this canary if it's not a real singing canary.Bobby brings down the cage, places it on the shop counter and says to Jenny, Just you listen. With that, the bird begins singing one beautiful song after another. Pleasantly surprised, Jenny murmurs, What luck - this canary really can sing. But then, a few seconds later, Jenny shouts out, Hey, this canary's only got one leg - are you trying to cheat me?Bobby replies, Lady, do you want a singer or a dancer?", -I went for a 5 mile run today. 2 laps around yo mum!, -"Tomorrow is a boiling hot day, at 10 degrees Fahrenheit. The day after that is the same temperature, as well as the next and the next. Won't these temperatures ever cool down?", -"Ciao amico, desidero comprare un mazzo di banane. Il compagno spiacente, questo un farmacista.", -"Tommy was dying. His wife was with him, standing next to his bed. As he was drawing his last few breaths, he gasped, Helen, I have one last request. Of course, Tommy, what is it? Helen asked softly. Six months after I die, he said, I want you to marry Louis. But I thought you hated Louis, said Helen. With his final breath, Tommy said, I do.", -"At the end of a hard year's work, Bobby decides to take a holiday right away and he books himself on a Caribbean cruise. The first few days of the cruise are perfect but then calamity - the ship sinks and Bobby ends up on a small, uncharted island. He looks around and sees that there is nothing nearby except bananas and coconuts. Still, these are better than starving to death.Ten weeks later, as he is sitting in the shade, to his surprise a small boat lands on the beach and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets out, walks over to him and says, Hi.He can't believe his luck. He replies, Hi to you too. Where on earth have you come from? How did you get here? What's your name?Hold on, she says, one question at a time. I landed on the other side of this island about 10 weeks ago when my cruise liner sank. I've just rowed here from the other side. Oh, and my name is Hannah. That's amazing, Hannah, he says. My name is Bobby. You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.Oh, this? replies Hannah, I made it myself out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars are made from pine tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides came from a Eucalyptus tree. But where did you get the tools from? he asks.Oh, I made the tools myself, replies Hannah. I found an unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock which I heated in my kiln. It melted into a soft iron-like material which I used to make the tools which in turn I used to make the boat.Bobby is silent. He can't believe her skills. If it's OK with you, why don't I now row you to my place? she says. Bobby just nods his acceptance.It takes Hannah just ten minutes to row to her place. As they near the shore, Bobby is surprised to see a stone walkway leading up to a very smart sky blue bungalow. Hannah ties up her boat at a small jetty using a hand made flaxen rope, and they enter the bungalow.It's not really much, says Hannah, but to me, Bobby, it's home. Please sit down and I'll get you a drink. No thanks, Bobby replies, I just couldn't drink any more coconut juice.But you don't have to have coconut juice, says Hannah, How about a Pina Colada? I've made a still. As they sit down on her hand made couch drinking their Pina Coladas, Bobby looks around and is amazed at what Hannah has achieved in such a short time. After a while, Hannah gets up and says, I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. While you're waiting, why don't you take a shower and then have a shave? You'll find a razor in the bathroom cabinet.Bobby goes into the bathroom and runs his bath. It even has hot water from a kind of thermal heating device Hannah has rigged up. After his bath, he goes to the wooden cabinet and finds a razor made of shells roped together inside a swivel mechanism. While he's having an excellent shave, Bobby thinks, Hannah is unbelievable, truly amazing - whatever will I discover next? She can do anything. When he returns, Hannah greets him wearing only a few carefully placed vine leaves and smelling of honeysuckle - she looks utterly fantastic. Hanna beckons Bobby to sit next to her, which he does. Hannah smiles at Bobby in a seductive manner and slithers up closer to him.Bobby, she says, staring into his eyes, we've both been out here for 10 weeks. Now you've found me, is there something you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do for all these weeks. You know... Bobby can't believe it. You mean - I can check my e-mails from here?", -"When my pap was younger, his family didn't have much money. One year for Christmas, his mother cut a hole in the front of his underwear so he would have something to play with.", -"Ok, now the last time I did this, I got a lot of comments saying that there's no point, and they only submit things they think is funny and blah blah blah.Well, anyways, I'm planning to do this.... again.. and by the way, I think it'd be extremely funny.Everyone, please give this a full smiley. Sooner or later, this is going to become the highest rated joke. I figured it'd be extremely funny if the highest rated joke, wasn't even a joke at all... Thanks a billion for your cooperation!!", -"knock knock,who's thereanimalanimal who?animal i kin git lots of stuffiffn i have ta money", -"A man goes to the store with a list of things he needs to buy for his wife, and as he is going in he sees a child with free kittens.He continues and buys the things on the list.On the way out he sees the free kittens again and no-one has taken any. So he takes his things to his car, comes backs and takes the SIX kittens that are left.He goes home brings in the groceries and then the six kittens. when his wife sees the six kittens she says Why do you have six kittens, six kittens!Husband calmly replys, Six kittens hell, those are six pale bearers for your dead pussy!", -Inside i could hear a lot of bass noise pumping. I went outside to see what it was and i found out it was a drummer practicing. I went inside and told my family that the player made a mistake and said dammit. My brother said I wonder which band it was?, -"A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.He replied, No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it.So the bartender said, Well, would you like a cigarette?But the man said, No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it.The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son.The bartender said, Your only son, I'm guessing.", -"Two people were at a bar resting when one said, I wish I was God. The other said, Are you mad? And the other says, How could you say such a thing? and the reply is, I don't want to have to lose all of Buddha's fat!", -"I'm a nobody and nobody is perfect - therefore, I am perfect.", -"Now, my brother ALWAYS daydreams. He just can't help it. He also likes getting me to feel bad.I just got a new IPod and my brother says whenever I put it in my ears that i have turned into a zombie. When we were out for a bike ride down through the park he wouldn't stay left and so other people on the track had to move to the right to get past. I screamed out to him to go left when i had my IPod in and he said What. I said Left, L-E-F-T. Gosh you can't hear anything when you daydream. And his response was No you can't hear anything with your IPod in, I know what you said, you said FELT. I wonder who is the one that can't hear?", -"Knock KnockWho's there? BooBoo who? I don't know, but stop your crying!", -"There once was a village, it was powerful and had the strongest warriors, one day, a tourist goes to them and says they were cowards, they yelled and beat him, but finally, the tourist said, This book says that the Paccachu are selfish people who steal, and are cannibals. The villagers looking at the book scream and run around the village. One man however, looks at the book and laughs. The man stays where he is and doesn't panic like his fellow village.The tourist, finally gathering enough courage asks him, How come your not scared? The man smirks and replies, I can't read.", -"Early one morning, the milkman was doing his rounds. He stopped at a house to ask for his monthly fee, only to find a small boy at the door slurping from a beer bottle, smoking a Havana cigar, and with his arm around what appeared to be a call-girl. Surprised, the milkman asked the boy if his parents were home.Does it fucking look like it?", -"An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.Yech! says the woman. Get some toilet paper.What for? says the man. He must be half-a-mile away by now.", -"One there was a wrestler in a very, very light weight wrestling match. He only weighed 135 pounds and his opponent even less than that. He was just about to wrestle that day when his coach dragged him off the ring. I need to speak with him, the coach called.Why'd you take me out? asked the wrestler, nervous. What did I do?Calm down. I don't think you're fit to beat your opponent.Yeah, well, I doubt it, Coach. I could carry that guy in the palm of my hand. He only weighs 85 pounds, maybe 90.Yes, but he has a lot of muscle!", -"During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.The irate ground controller screamed, US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta.' Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's D's, but try to get it right!Continuing her tongue lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?The humbled crew responded, Yes, Ma'am.The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state, and tension in every cockpit was running high. Eventually an unknown male pilot broke the silence, asking, Controller, wasn't I married to you once?", -"1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave Slim Jim wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, Hooray! You're back! as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, Shouldn't you be going now?4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for him/her to come home.then act surprised. Say, Uh-oh, it looks like, they, were here again.5. Every time you see your roommate yell, You jerk and kick him/her in the stomach. Then immediately buy him/her some ice cream.6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been cold lately.7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.8. Eat lots of Lucky Charms. Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.10. Drink a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.12. Every time you wake up, start yelling, Help! Where the hell am I?!?, then run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, It's spreading, it's spreading.14. Buy a McDonald's Happy Meal for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, I can't live in the same room with you, storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for ten minutes.17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, Soon, soon...19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, Don't come in, I'm naked! Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.20. Bring in potential new roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer.21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, Ungrateful little...22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously recover. Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, Oooh, are you dying?25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, Okay, your turn.26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, Oh, he's around here somewhere.27. Tell your roommate, I've got an important message for you. Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, Oh, yeah, I remember! Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, Hey, where is my sandwich!? Complain loudly that you are hungry.33. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the lack of good shows.34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, He just didn't belong.36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that It's a jungle out there. Get your roommate to bring you food and water.38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, Psst! Is it gone?39. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.41. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, I'm sorry. It won't happen again. When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.42. Call your roommate Clyde by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him Clyde all the time. If your roommate protests, say, I'm sorry, Elmer. Repeat process with Elmer.43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.45. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, Owwwwwwwwwww! Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, That was your mom. She said she'd call back.47. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, Okay, guys, you can come out now.48. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to do anything,tell him/her you are the ruler.49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Finally stand up yell,I Lost!50. Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, No, I want to watch them suffer.51. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a fine.52. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, Well, it was fun while it lasted.53. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.54. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.55. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he remove all of his possessions immediately.56. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, etc.)57. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.58. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.59. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.60. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.61. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.62. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, Don't do that.63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.64. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Then insist you need to show him/her the proper way brush their teeth.65. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, It had to be done.66. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. (Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 753-4795! Holy cow!)67. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.68. Ask your roommate about their medical plan. If they ask why you are asking just say, Accidents happen. Make it obvious that you are trying to cover up your laughter.69. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.71. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, Don't worry. It's not what you think. If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.72. Tell other people in your building that your roommate is goind to be going on a trip shortly. Don't tell them where or when. If people ask your roommate where he/she is going, cut in and say Oh...that has been canceled.73. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, I'll get that pesky road runner....74. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, I know what you did, and Don't think you can fool me. Sign them in blood.75. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.76. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.77. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck.78. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, We'll continue this later, while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.79. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.80. Offer your roommate some of your most valuable possesions. If they ask about your generosity, say nothing but I won't need it where I'm going. If they take anything wait a week and insist they give it back. If they want to know why say I was left behind, and crawl into bed crying.81. Watch Psycho every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.82. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you. Take off the hat, sit, and pout.83. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.84. Tell your roommate that you just want to be friends, and that you can no longer take their advances. Wait an hour and ask them to join you in the shower.85. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, Stupid horseshoe....86. Buy frozen meals and leave them under a lamp on your desk. If your roommate warns you that the meals will go bad simply say, I know what I'm doing. While your roommate is out empty the meal containers such that it looks like you've eaten them. When your roommate return pretend to be violently ill. Do this twice a week.87. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.88. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator is plotting against you.89. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.90. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, Remember the good old days, when we used to... and make up stories involving you and your roommate.91. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about half an hour. Come out looking dazed and act terrified of your roommate, keeping a good distance.92. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be.93. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be a murder in the room.94. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.95. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate you think the lobster has a marked deck.96. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your pancake farm isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.97. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.98. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.99. Hide small containers of milk in your roommate's half of the room. After they begin to smell complain to your roommate about the odor. If your roommate finds them and claim that they aren't theirs, acknowledge that you put them there, but tell them They were on your half of the room. You should be more responsible.100. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks.101. If your roommate has a pet, offer to feed their pet for them. Start taking bottles of glue and white out from your desk before your roommate can answer.", -What do you call a dog in the sun?A Hot Dog!, -"Melvyn and Max were left quite a large plot of land by their rich father. However, this caused the two sons much grief. For months they argued long and hard over how the land should be divided between them. The solution just wasn't that simple, so they took the problem to their priest. Father, said Melvyn, can you please help us solve our problem?As soon as he had heard their case, Father Murphy said, Come back tomorrow and we'll talk again. The next day, Melvyn and Max returned and the priest gave them his solution. He gave Max a coin and said, You can toss the coin.And you, said Father Murphy to Melvyn, can call it, heads or tails. Whoever wins the toss will divide the land.But that won't work, said Max, we'll be right back from where we started.But not, said Father Murphy, if the one who wins the toss divides the land and the other one gets first choice!", -"Little Willy, full of hell,Threw his sister in the well.Their mother said when drawing water,It's so hard to raise a daughter.", -"A child named Bob was running through the neighbor's garden. Hey! shouted the neighbor, I thought I told you not to let me catch you here again! Right! replied the boy, and you haven't caught me yet!", -"Jacky walked into his house from school crying; his mom saw him and said, What's wrong, Jacky?Jacky replied, I lost a quarter at school!There, there, replied his mother, here's another, handing him a quarter.Jacky cries even louder; this time his mother, upset, says, What's the matter now?Jacky says, I wish I said I lost a dollar!", -"A boy walks home an hour late to class, the teacher asks him, Why are you so late?The boy replies, I stopped two boys from beating each other up.The teacher says, That's very nice; how did you do that?The boy says, I beat them both up!", -"A boss of a computer company walked up to one of his workers.You're fired! exclaimed the boss.I didn't do anything! replied the confused worker.The boss, happy with his answer, says, I know. That's why you're fired!", -"A man walks into a modern art museum, he sees a piece of art, and says, Look how ugly that is, the nose is all out of shape, and look at those arms, so small and weak, I bet the person who created this is a wimp!A security guard nearby says, Sir, that's a mirror.", -"Every day, Mr. Koch has to cross the river by ferry in order to get to work.Waking up late one morning, he dressed quickly, ran out the door and raced to the dock. The boat was several yards away, and stepping back and taking a mighty leap, Mr. Koch landed with a crash on the deck.Made it! he cried triumphantly.So? said one of the passengers, What was the rush? The boat is coming in.", -"Mr. Lwin was staring at the cage in the zoo, watching the great cat pace back and forth. I wonder what the tiger would say if it could talk, he said to the zookeeper. The zookeeper replied, It would probably say, 'Hey dummy, I'm a cheetah!", -"Hey, says Jim, this match won't light!Strange, says Ned,. It worked okay this morning.", -Yo momma so fat that when I wanted to take her picture I had to back up so far that I ended up in China., -"There were three men stranded on an island with nothing to eat, but a bowl of mac n cheese. The first guy says, I have an idea, lets all swim to the other side and the first one there gets the bowl of mac n cheese. They all tie so the second guy says, I have an idea, lets all swim back and the first one back gets the bowl of mac n cheese. They all tie again and the third guy says, I have an idea, lets all go to sleep and the one with the best dream gets the bowl of mac n cheese. The next morning the first guy says, I dreamed I ate all the mac n cheese in the world. The second guy says, I dreamed I ate the bowl of mac n cheese. The third guy says, Yankee Doodle went to town ridin on a pony while you dummies were asleep I ate the bowl of macaroni.", -Definition of alien-people from another country., -"A newcomer in town goes to a bar, the bar manager notices he is new and says, Sir, you're new, and when you're new, you have to drink a whole barrel of beer, then fix the crocodile's sore tooth, then you give that nice lady right there a hug, or you can't come to this bar again!The newcomers says, That's ridiculous! and leaves the bar.A couple minutes later, he comes back, he drinks the barrel of beer, then he goes into the backyard.After a couple screams of bloody murder, screeches, cries of pain, the newcomer returns all bloody and bruised.Then he goes up to the manager and says, Okay, where's the girl with the sore tooth?", -I was reading an article yesterday that was talking about the University of Michigan. They referred to it as MU.This got me to thinking....What do they call the University of Florida?, -What's a Mexican called when he's covered in dirt?A churro, -"If ham is Canadian bacon, then what the heck do you Canadians call bacon?", -One professor says your IQ measures how much you know. A scientist says your IQ measures how much information you are capable of learning. All I want to know is how long it will take me to get with your sister. I mean DAMN!, -"The teacher told one kid, You're going to flunk this subject because you haven't finished your homework assignments. The kid said, Good. I flunked all the other ones because I'm stupid.", -"I have no soul. yes, Thats why I'm an asshole!I have somethin' up my ass and no, that ain't no mole.I pick on everybody 'cause I'm a nobody.My girlfriend left me. Sometimes I go crazy and go out in the streets and yell COME FUCK ME!Everyone asks me, Hey, whats up your ass!.Yeah I know I've sucked a lot of ass.The juices, oh, they are delicious as they come to pass.As I sit behind my computer and write jokes, my mother chokesOn my cock. And I hear a knock.And who is it? Its my friend, a Gay.So, I send my mother away.I do it hardcore.I wont let him go 'til his ass is soreEven though my dick is inches-four.I have nothing to do 'cept suck on my dirty socks 'causeI am such a butt-fucker, my mother traps me in my room with heavy locks.Yes, thats me, I am KENTROCKS!", -"Once upon a time, there lived three balloons - Papa Balloon, Mama Balloon, and Baby Balloon. Baby Balloon would always go to bed in his own room, but would soon sneak into Mama and Papa's bed.When Baby Balloon got a bit bigger, his parents tried to get him to stay in his own bed all night, and Baby Balloon promised that he would, but the very next night he was trying to get in to their bed.However, he found could not quite get in, no matter how he struggled. After a while, he had an idea - he would let a little air out of Papa Balloon! This he did, but still he couldn't fit, so he let some air out of Mama Balloon - but to his dismay, still he couldn't get.In desperation, he then let some air out of himself - and he could get in the bed! The next morning, Papa Balloon and Mama Balloon were both furious with him.Papa Balloon said, You promised you would sleep in your own bed! How could you? You've let me down, you've let your mother down, but most of all, you've let yourself down!", -Yo momma so fat she turned her Nike Shox into Shocked Nikes, -Q. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's day?A. Regular Rocks are too heavy!, -There were three men at a bar. One of them ducked and the other two fell down because they hit the bar., -There was a coconut tree and 4 animals. 1. A Elephant 2. A Monkey 3. A Tiger 4. A MouseWhich one of these animals is going to climb up the tree to get the banana?NONE! There was a COCONUT TREE ...the tree to get the BANANA, -BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!, -Liners, -I'm so good that even yo momma cheers for me!, -"Je suis trs mue de vous dire que j'aibien compris l'autre soir que vous avieztoujours une envie folle de me fairedanser. Je garde le souvenir de votrebaiser et je voudrais bien que ce soitl une preuve que je puisse tre aimepar vous. Je suis prte vous montrer monaffection toute dsintresse et sans cal-cul, et si vous voulez me voir aussivous dvoiler sans artifice mon metoute nue, venez me faire une visite.Nous causerons en amis, franchement.Je vous prouverai que je suis la femmesincre, capable de vous offrir l'affectionla plus profonde comme la plus troiteen amiti, en un mot la meilleure preuvedont vous puissiez rver, puisque votreme est libre. Pensez que la solitude o j'ha-bite est bien longue, bien dure et souventdifficile. Ainsi en y songeant j'ai l'megrosse. Accourrez donc vite et venez me lafaire oublier par l'amour o je veux memettre.A lire une ligne sur deux!", -"Daddy, there's a man knocking on the door with a beard!No wonder I didn't hear him!", -They're fat, -Why do you go to a black person's yard sale?To get your stuff back!, -....................................................................................................................................................................................................................;).....................................................................................................................................................................................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, -- I want to give you something. - That's what your mom said to me last night., -- What's your dad doing? - Your mom!, -- What do you wanna do next? - Your mom!, -- I told you to knock before you enter my room! - Your mom., -#NAME?, -- What did you have for dinner last night? - Your mom. - ...and for dessert? - Your mom., -See that X? That's your mum that is., -How do you keep an idiot in suspense?I'll tell you tomorrow!, -"A Kerryman emigrated from Ireland to England, thereby increasing the average IQ of both countries.", -Why do mathematicians like national parks? Because of the natural logs., -What's purple and commutes? An Abelian grape., -"There was a really dramatic woman and a small man.The small man worked at a ballroom. The woman got dressed up all fancy and went to the ballroom. She went up to the man and said, I hope there is something between us!And the little man said, Me too! A continent!", -"Gene Pitney dies, and his widow is told that the coffin would take a week if it was made from Oak - but only 24 hours from Balsa!", -I heard you tried to apply to work at a candy store.But they turned you down saying they already had enough air heads.Were you fat when you were born?Cause i think it all went straight to your head.Most people think outside the box.You still haven't figured out how to get in., -"People from Mensa are said to understand any jokes without the need of any explaination. Meaning Mensans will be able to understand this joke here, though it is limpid that there aren't any to be contemplated.", -"The three wise men went to visit Jesus right after he was born. One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, ''Jesus Christ!'' Joseph looked at Mary and said ''Write that down -- that's way better than Clyde!''", -"A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, Doc, what's wrong with me?The doctor replies, You're not eating properly.", -"Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me. The Texan lady commented, Well, isn't that nice? The lady from Mississippi continued, When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive. Again, the Texas lady commented, Well, isn't that nice? The first woman boasted, Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet. Yet again, the Texas lady commented, Well, isn't that nice? The first woman then asked her companion, What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child? The Texas lady replied, My husband sent me to charm school. Charm school! the first woman cried. Land sakes, child, what on Earth for? The Texas lady responded, So that instead of saying, 'Who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'", -"Knock knock.Who's there?Lettuce.Lettuce who?Lettuce in, it's raining!", -"A man was walking through Beverly Hills selling door to door what he claimed to be the Magic Elixir of Life.Of course, the police arrested him and ran a computer check of him.They found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in 1660.", -Why did the chicken do a poo right in front of a hole on a really busy footpath?Because he wanted people to slip on the poo and fall in the hole., -What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?An egg!, -What do you call a chicken?A chicken., -Why can't you go to the bathroom at a Beatles concert?There's no John., -What does PMS stand for?Potential Murder Suspect, -"Knock-KnockWho's there?AlaskaAlaska who?Alaska one more time, open the door", -"WARNING:DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE OR EAT OR GO POTTY!A person named tommy had a wife named heather. Whenever Heather came home, She would bring something disguisting. When heather died in a war, Tommy was sad. He said to himself, I MUST DIE IN A TOILET INSTEAD!", -Well both the girl and the emo bleed blood and both of them are annoying as hell in the process., -"One night a bartender who was working at a local joint was very drunk. His fiancee left him a long time ago and he was very desperate so he started using alcohol as a substitute. A little later that night a blond walked in late at night and sat down. The blond was cute young and very flirty. So a little later she started flirting with the bartender. He started to get the drift that she was flirting and started flirting very heavily with her back. A little later she felt something and before she could stand to go to the restroom she had her period right there she quickly sat back and felt mortified praying the bartender did not notice anything. He didn't so she started ordering lots of bloody marys from the bartender that took his place while he was on his break. When he came back he looked at her and all the spilt bloody marys and said my god you must love that drink. By the way what's your name you never told me? Oh my name's mary, oh really he then noticed something wet in her dress. So your favorite drink is a bloody mary he said. Yeah she said. He then realized she had her period because he noticed something wet in her pants. Ya, but I don't like bloody marys that much. He then noticed another cute blond sipping a drink. But i sure like Shirley temples.", -A vertical expression of a horizontal desire., -"One day a man was sitting on a toilet with his solar power laptop, then his laptop fell in the toilet. He ran out of the bathroom screaming. The next person sat down to use the toilet. When he was done, he stood up looked at the toilet and screamed out of the bathroom. All the people in the bathroom ran out of the bathroom screaming.", -"Both are attractive cost about $400 for 2 or 12 hours of fun. But right when you're satisfied you get addicted to them, And keep wasting money replacing em.", -"If winners never quit, and quitters never win...Who was the fool who said, Quit while you're ahead.", -"Doctor, doctor. I think I need glasses.You sure do, sir. This is a flower shop.", -"Ok Umm Uhh, Ahhh! Oh well, I just forgot what I was gonna say. Man I'm stupid", -"A kid named Ron lost his mom and dad. He went to the hospital to say, I wanna baby! Waaaaaaaaaaa! The nurse said, You're a male! Males don't have babies! And you're too young! He died by biting his finger really hard.", -"I plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.You know, if I looked like you, then I'd probably be plastering make-up on, too.You looked in a mirror lately?You're just jealous - weighing 10 stone is a big achievement.You remind me of a person I once knew. He was called the Hulk.If you are wondering why I'm napping, it's because you always want us to be wide awake. If I nap now, I'll be awake later. Now let me sleep.Well, well, well. Looks like the latest circus freak just escaped.Why am I in free dress? Well, that's the benefit of being the boss.", -. . . they only tell who's left., -"Yo Momma so short, when she saw a set of stairs she said, I never knew Mount Everest was here.Yo Momma so short, she called a dolls house a set of flats!", -"Yo momma so fat, that when she went on Biggest Loser, she she couldn't get kicked out when she destroyed the stage.", -"Yo momma so fat that, on the airplane, she smothered the person next to her to death - who was on the aisle seat.", -How many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?0. No lightbulbs want to torture their own kind!, -"Knock knock.Who's there?Guess.Guess who?What, I don't know.", -"A woman's child said, Yo Mama, I hate you because you made me a boy, not a girl!The woman said, Wait! If you were a girl, someone would have to cut into you to get your baby!The child said Have you lost your mind?! I want the baby to know that she/he was from me!", -"Your dad has something wrong with his brain. After his appointment, the doctor says,You have a spider, a termite, a pig, a cloud, a piece of poo, a tongue, and a camera in your brain so you'll have to have no brain for years. Then the doctor took operation on his brain.", -Knock-KnockWho's there?Who's There. Who's there Who?I'm supposed to say Who's there!, -"One day a cat was being trapped be a evil dog. The evil dog saidbarkity kalis hed resaw miop gas. The cat said has that going to break the spppeeel? Then the dog let the cat out. The next day, the cat trapped the dog. Then it happens every day with thhe same words.", -"I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.", -Knock-knock!Who's there?Harry.Harry who? Harry up and answer the door!, -"If you are inventing something, the best way for it to work is to give it a job.", -The similarity of all the people that live is that they are alive and they are living., -"If Jesus was born on the computer age, he would just use the internet to spread his word unlike his time, he needs to journey across the world.", -It is really insulting when someone from the Greenwich restaurant see you eating a pizza from Pizza Hut., -"I was walking down the road and saw a sign which read, SIDEWALK AHEAD CLOSED. PLEASE USE OTHER SIDE OF ROAD.Oooh, it made me cross!", -What's better than going to school?Having play time every day!, -Why did the limping man sit on a scorpion? He thought that it would be pinched!, -In the morning elephants put springs on their feet and jump around the jungle.Now the most fearsome sound to a monkey is Boing Boing, -Yo Momma so stupid when she heard the doorbell she opened the microwave and said Hello???, -"They had quite a scare in Washington, DC, today. Apparently, President Obama was meeting with some potential cabinet nominees and someone noticed a suspicious looking document on the table that no one had ever seen before.Turns out it was just a tax form, but it gave them quite a fright. - Jay Leno", -"Joe figured out a way to remember his wife's birthday and their wedding anniversary. He opened an account with a florist and told him to send flowers to his wife on those dates, along with a note signed, Your loving husband. His wife was thrilled by the attention, and all was great until one anniversary. Joe came home, saw the bouquet, kissed his wife, and said, Nice flowers. Where'd you get them?", -"The thing you need to focus on in your 20's is not getting a bad tattoo. You don't want to be 40 and going, No, dude, it was different back then - everybody loved SpongeBob.", -"I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn't had her, I'd be driving one.", -"Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations.She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the summer. We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota, he said.That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word, the teacher said, Can you tell the class how you spell that?Little Johnny thought about it and said, Come to think of it, she lives in Ohio.", -"An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.", -"A waitress at a restaurant that David worked at had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. To make matters worse, she'd planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.As a brand-new employee, David knew none of this backstory, so you can imagine his surprise when the found a note on the employees' community board saying:It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes.", -Real headline:Air Traffic Controllers Can Apply for Job in Braille, -"Ben never saw action on his high school football team. One day, the assistant coach gave him a pep talk.Remember, Ben, he told him, everyone on this team has an important role. There is no 'I' in 'team'.True, said the boy. But there is a 'Ben' in 'bench'.", -"For those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best.Begin by standing with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.", -"Two mice were waiting for the right time to get out of their mouse hole, because a cat was meowing on the other side. After a few minutes, the meowing stopped and was replaced by the woof, woof! of a dog. Thinking it was okay to come out, the mice crawled out of their hole and were pounced on by the cat. After its meal, the cat said, I always knew learning a second language would come in handy.", -"An old couple had been married for fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, the man took the woman on a trip, and they were to stay at an upscale hotel. When they got there, the woman told the bell boy, This is an awful hotel. Why is it upscale? No windows, no bathroom, no air conditioning.But, madam! the bell boy protested.Don't 'but madam' me, the lady said. This is one of the worst hotels I've ever even tried to stay at. I'm going to report it to your manager.But, madam! the bell boy persisted, this isn't your room, this is the elevator.", -"This comes from an elderly man that spoke with me in a waiting room once.I don't like these places, he said, They're always trying to find out what you're thinking.But I was nifty, I got around her, see. I had a way around it. He looked at me and continued. She asked me if I was hearing voices, and I said 'Yes, ma'am, I hear you talking to me right now.' And when she asked if I felt like hurting myself or anybody else, I said 'No m'dear, but I really am going to hurt the next person who asks me that question.'", -"A few weeks ago, my Health teacher set up a competition, saying the winning group would win an extra credit point. We were separated into five groups; water, electricity, food, paper, and gas. Each group had to come up with at least twenty ways to preserve their element. The group that came up with the most solutions would win the extra credit point. Near the end of the of the class, the teacher had reported that there were two winning teams; electricity, and gas. They had tied equally with very good responses.The teacher then said that both of those teams would need to come up with a final way to preserve their element, and whoever had the best one, would be determined the winner. I'll pick the best one tomorrow, she said. I'll need both teams to speak with me. Alright, who has gas?Several students shot their hands up in the air before they realized exactly what she had said. One was laughing so hard that tears rolled down her face.-Member of the electricity group", -"Little Emma is watching her mother preparing their dinner this week it's Salt Beef. Emma watches her mother slice off both ends of the joint and place it in a saucepan ready for cooking. Emma asks, Why did you cut both ends off, Mum?Her mother pauses for a few seconds, then replies, That's a good question, Emma. It's what my mother always did when she made Salt Beef and I just do the same, but I've no idea why. Let's phone Granny and ask her.So they phone granny and ask why she always sliced the ends off the Salt Beef before cooking.Granny replies, You know, I'm not sure why that was the way I always saw my mother make Salt Beef.Because they are now very curious, they visit Emma's great grandmother in the nursing home and say to her, You know when we make Salt Beef, why do we always slice off the ends before cooking it?I don't know why you do it, says the great grandmother, but I never had a saucepan that was large enough!", -"This guy at work argued with everybody that his pink oxford shirt was actually salmon. Finally, human resources brought in a grizzly bear to settle the dispute.", -"Can you tell the headline by the satirical publication The Onion from these real headlines?Couple recalls war years, 63 years of marriage.''Gun who killed officer said to have mental problems.Smokers asked to keep butts off beach.Volunteers needed to help abuse victims.Study finds link between red wine, letting mother know what you really think.Orleans seeks tenants for new jail.Answers:1. Sudbury Town Crier 2. Times-Standard 3. San Diego Union-Tribune4. Santa Barbara News-Press5. The Onion6. Daily News ", -whats hitlers least favourite planet ? - jewpiter, -What do Michael Jackson and Speed Racer have in common?They both have a monkey and a small boy in their trunk., -"Every man believes every woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.While a recent sociological study verified this, what men don't realize is that, in women's fantasies, one man cooks while the other cleans!", -"There was a woman who absolutely loved the music of Billy Joel and Paul McCartney. She loved them so much she decided to have their images tattooed on her body. She went to a tattoo parlor and told the artist she wanted Billy Joel tattooed on her left thigh, and Paul McCartney tattooed on her right thigh.When the job was completed, the artist gave her a mirror to inspect his work. She exclaimed that neither of the images looked like what they were supposed to be. The artist said let's get another opinion. He went out to the street and asked a drunk to come in and assist with a little problem. There sat the woman, with her legs apart, and the artist asked the drunk what he saw. He replied, Well...that looks like Billy Joel on her left, Paul McCartney on her right...and that looks like Willie Nelson in the middle.", -"It was often said that if an African American was ever voted in to be the President of the United States, that would be the the day that pigs fly. 100 days after President Barack Obama is in office, swine flu.", -"A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted.I want to get screwed, said the man.OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee, answered the voice.The man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened.He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.Hey, exclaimed the man, I want to get screwed!What? said the voice, Again?", -"Press ReleaseScare At Adelaide F.C. HeadquartersTraining at West Lakes was delayed nearly two hours late this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.Initially the Club thought it was a prank!Team manager Neil Craig immediately suspended training, while police and the ASIO were called to investigate.After a complete analysis, SA Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the goal line.Practice will resume this afternoon after police and ASIO decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.", -How do you know if you have the swine flu? You wake up in pigtails and then break out in rashers!, -"Top 10 Signs of Having Swine Flu1. Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs.2. A small curly tail is growing at the top of your tailbone.3. When called to dinner, you head directly to the trough in the backyard.4. Your thumbs and big toes are missing.5. You apply mud instead of suntan lotion on a sunny day.6. You develop a liking for truffles.7. At each meal you literally lick your plate clean.8. You emit short snorts between sentences.9. When friends visit you, they remark, Man, this place is a pigsty!10. Fever accompanied by the smell of bacon.", -I hear there's now a sine flu as well.Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it., -"yo momma is so ugly when she passed a horror movie filming the camera man said Hey! No breaks, get back on set.", -Q:Why can peter pan fly?A:Because if you got hit in the peter with a pan you'd fly too., -yo momma is so stupid she drowned in the shower., -"Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table, when one sees a whisk.He says to his friend, Ooh, what's that?The friend replies, Beats me!", -Why is a pool table green?Because if someone racked your balls you'd be green too., -A kid was at school when his male teacher was passing out alot of homework. The teacher was named bob. Mr. Bob said ''no help from your mom''. The kid named josh ask ''why can't we have help from are mom ''.Mr.bob replied '' your mom probally be very busy tonight so I will call your mom to make sure you want''.So he decided not to ask his mom for help on his homework. when he got home Mr.bob called his mom. She went to her room. When she got in there was a loud noise and he went in there to see what was the matter.mr.bob was sitn there with his mom.And affter a while mr.bob said ''did you finish your homework''., -"Take this quiz to see if you are an idiot or not. If you make just one single mistake, you are an idiot. Ready?1.George Washington, who was born in 1732, was born in what year?2.The second war of the world, known as the World War II, is known as what?3.What is the answer to one hundred plus one hundred, given that one hundred plus one hundred is two hundred?4.What punctuation mark is used after this sentence, which is a question mark?5.This joke, who was written by xJOKERx, was written by who?6.If an elephant is bigger than a mouse, is a mouse bigger than an elephant?7.If this question has thirteen words, how many words does this question have?8.If you are currently reading this joke, give one person who is currently reading this joke.9.If the tortoise won his race against rabbit, am I right that rabbit won the race?10.If you are now reading the tenth question in the Quiz For The Idiots, are you now reading the ninth?I hope you did not make any mistake because if you did you are certified IDIOT!", -"A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put Happy Thanksgiving under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with Merry Christmas up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs? She says I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!", -"A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.Who's the other ticket for? the ticket girl asked.For my pet chicken, he said, pointing to the bird.I'm sorry, the girl tells him, but we don't allow animals in the theater.The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark, unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!Amanda replied, Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all.The woman whispered back, I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!", -"Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5 .This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.Oh well, said Bristol Zoo Management, we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant . . .Actually, said the Council, that parking lot is your responsibility.Surely, said Bristol Zoo Management, the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?Err . . . NO! insisted the Council.Sitting in his villa somewhere in Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million !", -"A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk.Our wasted friend asked, Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?Yeah, buddy, I'm sure, said the copper. Let's go.Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.", -"They sat in the comer of Mulligan's refurbished bar, opposite a huge new floor-to-ceiling mirror.Suddenly Pat spotted their reflection across the room. Mick! Mick! he whispered. Don't look now, but there's two fellas over there that's the image of us!In the name of God, said Mick, spotting the reflection, and they're wearing identical clothes, too. That does it, said Pat. I'm gonna buy 'em a drink. Just as Pat rose from his seat, Mick stopped him. Sit down, Pat! One of 'em's coming over here!", -"An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney's office as his lawyer handed him his will. Your estate is very complex, said the lawyer, but I've made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500.Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said $500, the old man wrote out his check and left.When she got off the phone and realized the old man's mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. Oh well, she said to herself, $500 for half an hour's work isn't bad.", -"Y'know - just when I think I've finally figured out women, I wake up!", -"What I saw, it was burned into my mind forever.Well, that explains the red markings on your scalp.", -"She was only a whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.", -"One stormy night an English, Irish and Scottish man were walking home and had no shelter so at the top of this big hill they found this haunted house. They were all freaked out and hesitated to go in. Eventually, the English man went in and found a five pound note sitting on the table and he goes to lift it when all of a sudden the ghost of Mickey Mouse appears and says, I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse; lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house. Next the Scottish man went in and saw the fiver, but before he could lift it the ghost of Mickey Mouse appeared again and said, I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse; lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house. Finally, the Irishman went in and lifted the fiver and Mickey Mouse popped out again and said, I'm the ghost of Mickey mouse, lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house. Then the Irishman said, I'm the ghost of Donald Duck; I'll lift this fiver and I'll run like fuck.", -"A store owner makes a sign to hang in his window.FRESH FISH SOLD HEREA critic walks into the store and asks the owner if he would like his store critiqued. He says yes.Well, first thing's the sign, says the critic. 'Fresh Fish Sold Here'? Well, where else would you sell 'em?FRESH FISH SOLD'Fresh Fish Sold'. What else would you be doing, giving 'em away?FRESH FISH'Fresh Fish'. Kinda obvious. Would you sell rotting fish?FISH'Fish'. People walk by, they see a fish in the window. What do they think you sell, chicken?-", -"It was my first vacation out of my home country - I was going to Australia. It was also going to be my first time on a plane, so I got a nice, large, purple bag with one of the long, pull-out handles and wheels on the bottom so you can pull it around. It was a new experience for me! But, when I got to Australia, I watched the carousel go around and I saw nothing but the long handle. I even checked the sticker, and it was from my bag. I was furious. I walked up to a woman who worked at the airport and said, Explain this to me! She looked at the handle.Are you sure that's your bag? she replied.Yes! I cried, but I'm missing most of it! Well, did you leave it unattended at some point? I guess I must've!Okay, now we've nicked it. Tell me what it looks like so we can get it back. More angry than before, I cried, Well, it's got a long black handle!The woman wrote that down.", -"Three friends sat down in the new cafe' in town. They began to have casual conversation, and eventually jokes were brought up. One of them said, Oh, did you hear the joke about the guy in hell drinking coffee and eating a doughnut? Before anyone could answer, though, the man across the room told the waitress, I'll have some coffee and a doughnut", -A special kind of firework with very bright colors and little smoke was accidentally discovered when a man tried to make the atomic bomb safer.That defeats the original purpose., -"Everyone knows that common phrase, meaning, 'COME ON, I NEED TO GET LUCKY!' Well, whenever I need to get lucky, I say,Daddy needs a new pair o' pants!", -Jersey girls aren't trash; trash gets picked up., -How long does a black woman take to do a shit?9 months, -"1. Thinly smear a layer of white shaving cream on a white toilet seat and wait for the next poor sap to sit down.2. Get some poppers and place them under the pegs of a toilet seat. When the next person sits down, the loud BANG will scare the shit out of them.3. Take some liquid hand soap and mix it with water, then, dab your finger in the liquid and write something on the mirror. Once dried, the soap should be nearly invisible. The next time someone takes a shower and fogs up the mirror, the writing will appear.4. If you have a shower head that screws off, this prank can be priceless. Unscrew the head an carefully pour red kool-aid into the shower head, then screw it back on. The next time someone takes a shower, the water will run blood red.5. If you have access to itching powder, pour some on the seat or on the toilet paper. If you have no itching powder, mix shaved stubble with a small amount of shaving cream and dab it on the seat.", -"Every year the class of Ms. Marquez has a class urine contest. The goal is to be the one to pee the most. If you do, you win. There are four contestants. One is from Japan, another is from the United States, the next is from Mexico, and the last, but definitely not the least, is from the Philippines.The Japanese filled a gallon with urine. The audience clapped. The American filled five big tanks of urine. The audience clapped and shouted. The Mexican filled five big tank and a gallon with urine. The audience clapped, shouted, and danced. Here is the Filipino. When th Filipino finished his turn, there were no one who clapped, shouted, nor danced, because the whole classroom was filled with urine.", -"As a senior at Xxxxxx State University in Mixxxxxxx, I often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about male-female relationships.Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women.You're right, Steve, she said. Men generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry . . .", -"One day, Farrah Fawcett died and went to heaven. At the gates, St.Peter greeted her.Hello, and welcome. You have lived a life full of prosperity and love. You have given millions around the world entertainment with your acting. Now I will provide you with one wish for the Earth before you enter Heaven. What is it?Farrah thought for a minute, but answered, I would like all the children in the world to be safe. The next day, Michael Jackson died.", -"This poem is for every guy who has a girl who wants poetry and songs devoted entirely to them ;) Suck, suck, suck my cocksuck my god damn cockblow it hard you fucking 'tardsuck my god damn cock!Please, if this offends you don't read it, no need to comment on how horrid it is, this is not every one's brand of humor . . .", -"Someone approaches you to say hi and your immediate response is, You bet I am!", -"Not sure if this is up yet but I haven't seen it so here it goes . . . A 30-year-old man suffers from massive MASSIVE headaches that dominate his life completely and cause him pain almost every single moment of every day. He's been going through this pain since he was around 20 and no doctor has ever been able to help him out in curing the pain though he has tried almost every pain killer, and several surgeries. One day a doctor calls him in to talk. The man expects another prescription of pain meds and what-not so he goes in, but he's shocked to find that this doctor has actually figured out what's wrong. You see, sir, says the doctor, You have a very very rare condition where your testicles press up against the base of your spine sending a searing pain directly to your brain.The man is shocked, so he asks the most obvious question though he's sure he knows the answer already. Doc, what are we going to do about it?The doctor replies solemnly that he will have to go under the knife and have his testicles removed. The man agrees, fearing living through the pain for the rest of his life.The operation goes perfectly and in six days the man is up and moving, completely pain free. The next day he decides to go out and buy a nice suit because he can know go out and enjoy himself.When he gets there, an elderly man is sitting at the counter, and upon seeing the man he stood up and shouted as loud as he could, I bet you need a size 36 sports jacket and a pair of trousers with 37 leg and 32 waist.The man was stunned, muttering, Well, that's exactly right; how on earth did you know?The elderly man replied laughing, Son, I've been in the business for 50 years, there ain't no one that can fool me.So the man tried on his clothes and they fit perfectly. The old man smiled again and said, What did I tell you, I've been in the business for 50 years!So the man stood in line to buy his new clothing when he realized he needed new underwear as well, so he turned to the old man and said, I bet you can't guess my size in underwear.The old man looked him up and down and the announced, You need a size 10The man then laughed and said, I got you! I've been wearing a size 8 since I was about 20!Now the old man was puzzled and said, Well sir, to be frank that's impossible. For a man of your size a size 8 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine, giving you one hell of a nasty headache.", -Why aren't there more Kenyans in the Olympics? All the rest couldn't outrun the slave traders!, -"I thought up ALL OF THEESE. I am NOT duplicating anyone So if you want a good Fun things and you don't want to keep seeing duplicates, read on.1.When the math teacher asks you a question, purposely answer incorrectly. Persist. See how long it keeps going.In my class, this really happened with a kid named Rahul. The teacher asked him how many centimeters were in a meter, and he kept on saying 1 and he kept it going for the rest of the period. 2. When reading a book, scream, NO! DON'T!!! LOOK OUT!3. Whenever you pick up a pencil, say the word potato or some other random word. Say it again when you set it down. See how long it takes for people to get what's happening.4. Doodle in your notebook. At the end of the period, ask the teacher if he/she thinks that they're good.5. Open a book and set it down like a tent. When attempting to enter it, keep crying D'oh! as long as you can.6. Play cards.7. Take all of the computers in the computer lab off of the internet. 8. Ask trivial questions, like, Why is the subject called 'History?' why not Schnurples? If you do that, use Schnurples for 'History' in all the rest of your papers.9.If the school has those phones with the large blocks that go up and down when you take the phone off the hook, tape it down. The teacher will miss a call, and trust me, it's pretty annoying.10. Give an apple to the teacher- but make sure it actually has a worm in it.11. Create a set of common words and scream whenever someone uses one of them.12. If you are gifted with farting at will then fart whenever someone uses one of the words.13. If you can't fart at will, burp.14. Only speak in questions.15. Only use a certain amount of words in each sentence.", -"An elderly couple was attending Mass.About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'", -"One day, a Democrat was on vacation. He was walking along the beach, when he hit his toe on a hard object, and looking down, he saw a small, shiny golden lamp sticking out of the sand.Excited, he grabbed the lamp, and rubbed its side. A genie appeared from the lamp and said, Thank you for releasing me. You may have three wishes. But I am a Republican genie; whatever you wish for, every Republican will get two of tomorrow morning.The Democrat nodded, and said, I'd like a shiny new car. The genie said, Your wish is granted. Every Republican ill have two new shiny cars in their driveways tomorrow morning; and a new car appeared next to them.I want a million dollars, said the Democrat. The genie answered by saying, Every Republican will have two million dollars tomorrow morning; and one million dollars appeared on the driver's seat of the car.The Democrat thought long and hard about his last wish, until finally saying, Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney . . .", -"Sir Lancelot was losing patience with Lady Guinevere. He had fought battles; he had jeopardized his reputation; he had ruined his friendship with King Arthur.But it was all worthwhile just to have this time with his lovely lady. They had run away for a little while, but Lancelot was growing angry because Guinevere was spending all her time on a stupid crossword puzzle.When she raised her quill to write in another word, he snapped. He couldn't take it any more.He yelled in a harsh tone, GIVE ME THE PEN GUIN!After that, she thought he had lost his mind, and left him.", -"Yo Mamma's so fat when she jumped off the ship a sailor yelled, Land Ahoy!", -"A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, Hey, koala! What are you doing?The koala said, Smoking a joint - come up and have some,so the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala, where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while, the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and he was going to get a drink from the river.The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped to the river bank. Then he asked the little lizard, What's the matter with you?The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, Hey you!The koala looked down at him and said,Shiii-iit, Dude! How much water did you drink?!", -"This couple is walking to a bank, and they're trying to get at a savings account, when suddenly a bank robber comes in.He tells everyone to get against the wall, then he told the banker to put all the money in the bag. He then walks up to a man, and said, Did you see me rob this bank? The man replies, Yes.Bang, he shoots him. He gos to another man; Did you see me rob this bank? The man gives no answer, then the robber puts the gun up to his head and said, Did you see me rob this bank? Yes, the man replies.The robber shoots him, then he goes up to the couple and once again said, Did you see me rob this bank?The man replies, No, but my wife did.", -I tried for years to snap my thumb and finger together - and suddenly it clicked!, -"TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS: They live here. You don't. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, normally come when called, never ask to drive the car, don't hang out with drug-using people; don't smoke or drink, don't want to wear your clothes, don't have to buy the latest fashions, don't need a gazillion dollars for college and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.", -How do you shut up a crying baby?Finish the job., -Do you think god gets stoned? I do. Look at the platypus!-Robin Williams, -"Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money some day. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.Look at that yacht, he said as they drove slowly past a marina. That belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. The head of Goldman, Sachs, owns that one over there, and look at that huge yacht out there - that's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache.His friend was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face. What's the matter? Goodman asked.I was just wondering, his friend said, why aren't there any customers' yachts?", -What do you call a black priest?Holy Crap!, -"Once upon a time in a land where everyone updates there Facebook status every 5 seconds, there was a young girl named Isabel. When Isabel was reading her cereal box, she thought Oh.Maybe I should check my Facebook. So Isabel walked over to her Mac and sat down. She typed in Facebook.com and clicked enter. But when she tried to sign in, it said cookies required. Okay. Isabel said so she walked into the kitchen and over to the cupboard and looked for some cookies. But she did not find any. So Isabel went to Hyvee with her mom and bought some cookie mix. 10 minutes later she had some cookies.So Isabel got her dads hand saw and sawed the Mac in half. Afterwards, she stuffed every single crumb of cookie inside that computer,and duct taped it back together", -"Once there was a large group of mexicans who made a club called the I love Mayonnaise Club. And they made this club days before the titanic set sail. And on the titanic there was a large, large case of mayonnaise. And later when the titanic sank, this group was very sad so they formed a holiday called Sink-o Da-Mayo", -"Real Quotes By George Bush:This is my maiden voyage. My first speech since I was the president of the United States and I couldn't think of a better place to give it than Calgary, Canada. - George W. Bush, as reported by the Associated Press, Calgary, Canada, March 17, 2009.I'm going to put people in my place, so when the history of this administration is written at least there's an authoritarian voice saying exactly what happened. - George W. Bush, on what he hopes to accomplish with his memoir, as reported by the Associated Press, Calgary, Canada, March 17, 2009.One of the very difficult parts of the decision I made on the financial crisis was to use hardworking people's money to help prevent there to be a crisis. - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009.I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best. - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009.In terms of the economy, look, I inherited a recession, I am ending on a recession. - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009.I guess it's OK to call the secretary of education here 'buddy.' That means friend. - George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Jan. 8, 2009.So I analyzed that and decided I didn't want to be the president during a depression greater than the Great Depression, or the beginning of a depression greater than the Great Depression. - George W. Bush, Washington D.C., Dec. 18, 2008.People say, well, do you ever hear any other voices other than, like, a few people? Of course I do. - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 18, 2008.I've abandoned free market principles to save the free market system. - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 16, 2008.", -If I ever need a good laugh....Yo Momma, -what George W. bush thinks during his cabinet meetings.Hmmm...what does the w stand for?Wait... there isn't even a cabinet in here!, -Knock KnockWho's there?DennisWhat is Den?My name is DennisWhat is Den?Den is like a mini barnyard or a mini houseOh!Anyways who are you?I am Dennis!!I forgot what den is again.ARGH!, -What does PPSH-41 stand for?It is:Perfectly and Painfully and Stubborn Hallucination for one, -"A male teenager went out to his favorite band concert The Hearts of Heaven. They have very cool songs but their singer's life would end the very next night.The next night, they made their next concert which is in the capital of the teenager's country. It wasn't very far. He went to the concert and enjoyed the songs, but one made him a bit twitchy. It was called Take my heart out. The song made the teenager go to the singer's house, and take his heart out. All the other band members tried to stop him but he also got their hearts. He put them in a small box.Later the police found out that one of the windows of the house was stained with blood. They went in and took a look. He saw that the people in the house got their hearts out.2 weeks later, they were sent to the hospital. During the operation, the doctor said, The cause of this is the song Take My Heart Out. I suppose should I take that suspect through a therapy test.", -We all know the world war II games right?And they also have the Thompson gun which belongs to the Americans and British.There is a 2nd meaning.Thompson means:Theories Having Oatmeal Mayhem.Prefers to Sadness because Oatmeal is Numb.Capital letters are the letters of Thompson., -"How many exciting people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?None, because they are VERY excited, one of them cracks the lightbulb and another throws the screw at their neighbor's house.", -"A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.She said, You have the biggest penis of all your friends.", -"A woman is walking down the street with a pack of menstrual pads in her hand, after buying them from the store. A homeless guy comes by and kindly asks for money. The woman says she has no change. So, the guy being a smartass says, Can I have some of that bread in your hand? The woman being a bigger smartass says, Meet me tomorrow and I will give it to you with some ketchup on it!", -You'll never guess what just happened! I just got arrested for punching a black woman. It wasn't my fault it was my mom's. We were in Home Depot when she told me to go find a Black Decker., -"One day, I was about to tell my 'Micky Mouse is Mad' joke to my friends, when I get to the part Mickey Mouse was in the Divorce court... One of my friends interrupted me and started yelling... But why is it Mickey Mouse? Why not Steamboat Willie? Or George?Losing interest, I noticed there was a post-it on my backpack.I threw it to my second friend. He opened it and read 'Fluffy?', and threw it to my first friend droning on and on and on and on and on and....He said this.Why is Steamboat Willie the same as Mickey Mouse? Steamboat Willie is a boat driver and Mickey Mouse does NOTHING. He just sits around being all- then he got the post-it.FLUFFY? He just sits around being FLUFFY?We laughed than I said I'd post this on Wocka. I got home and started typing 'One day, I was about to tell my 'Micky Mouse is Mad' joke to my friends....", -"Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word wand with wang in the first Harry Potter Book Let's see the results . . .Why aren't you supposed to do magic? asked Harry.Oh, well - I was at Hogwarts meself but I - er - got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything.A magic wang . . . this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon, Harry Potter. It wasn't a question. You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work. Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang, eleven inches. Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls.Oh, move over, Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!'The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.Yes, Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding . . . Any second now, he might hear his mother again . . . but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to . . . or did he?Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang, then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.Get - off - me! Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.", -The bishop came to our church todayThe was a fucken impostorHe never once moved diagonally, -"This 4-year-old kid is sitting on the couch watching T.V. silently, with an angry look on his face. After a while, his mother notices this and asks him, Why the long face? Well, Mommy, I know that you invited everyone to your wedding. You invited grandpa, grandma, my uncle, your friends and all . . . So what's the problem, Sweety? his mother asks. WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME?", -1 Good Grades2 Social life3 Adequate Sleep.Pick TwoWelcome to College..., -"Dad, have you got a ladder?Yes; why?I have to write an essay on an elephant!", -"Johnny comes home from school, and shouts, Mother!Mother calls from upstairs, If you wish to speak to me, come upstairs so you don't have to shout.When Johnny gets upstairs, she says, Now, what did you want to say to me?Just that I trod in some dog do, but it seems to have gone now!", -"There were cockroaches in the corner of a hotel when four people saw it and reacted differently. The hotel manager saw the cockroaches, and said Can somebody please clean these up? It's ruining my hotel. A customer saw it and said Don't the hotel facilities know how to maintain this hotel clean and free of gross creatures? I'm out of here. A movie star saw it and said Eeewww, crochy! Go away! Then a beggar outside saw it and said Is that dinner? For me?", -"Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.Both were shot in the head.Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.Both were assassinated by Southerners.Both were succeeded by Southerners.Both successors were named Johnson.Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.Both assassins were known by their full names.Both names comprise fifteen letters.Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.And, the most recent fact noted ...A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe Maryland.A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.", -21st Century...Our communication - WirelessOur dress - ToplessOur telephone - CordlessOur cooking - FirelessOur youth - JoblessOur food - FatlessOur labour - EffortlessOur conduct - WorthlessOur relation - LovelessOur attitude - CarelessOur feelings - HeartlessOur politics - ShamelessOur education - ValuelessOur follies - CountlessOur arguments - BaselessOur boss - BrainlessOur Job - ThanklessOur Salary/Allowance - Very less !!!, -"In a recent review, The Weird Gamers rated popular game,Grand Theft Auto IV 3.14 out of 10.They said it was pirated.", -"A Chinese family of four was eating fried rice for dinner.As always, the half-blind father was last.Thinking that nobody will care if he throws his food out, he does so, as he sees an empty garbage can.The next morning his wife says to him:Honey, while you were eating dinner I took the garbage out, and now some ee-diot left crap in the box. Please clean it up", -"You know how we earn little icons next to our names for the points we get for being active on Wocka?They should do that on Facebook. Only backwards. The longer you are totally inactive, the higher level symbols you get.", -DMV jokes get old really fast. Unlike the DMV. You have to go through a special line to become old., -Good morning is a contradiction in terms., -"Why did the chicken cross the road? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! DUH! Aw c'mon, how many times are you gonna fall for this?", -What do you call an intelligent man in America?A tourist., -"A Donkey meets a Buick at the High Road. Hello car, the Donkey says.Hello donkey, the Buick replies, when suddenly the Donkey begins to cry.Oh my the Buick says. Why are you crying?Well, when i now call you car, you can at least call me horse.", -"How many ADHD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?It takes twenty se- hey, this is in the wrong category!", -"One day little Susie, who is a blond, was at her grandma's house. She had been there for about two days and today grandma isn't feeling very well. The grandma is in bed, coughing and it isn't getting any better. The Grandma tells little Susie to go to the pharmacist and get some syrup for her cough.So little Susie goes to the local pharmacy and she buys the syrup. The clerk tells her to remember to 'SHAKE WELL BEFORE USE'.Susie goes back to the house and moments later, the ambulance has arrived and the doctors are trying their best to save poor granny. When they questioned Susie about what happened, she says Well, the clerk at the pharmacy and the instructions on the bottle said 'SHAKE WELL BEFORE USE'. One doctor said So?. Well I shook granny very well and gave her the medicine. Do you think this happened cause I didn't shake her well? replies Susie who is now in tears.", -"Yo momma is so stupid, that she made a crack on the sidewalk and tried to smoke it!", -"If a fly can fly, can an elephant elephant?", -"I saw yo momma walkin' down the street the other day, with a fat pig under her arm. So, I went up to her and asked, ''Hey, where did you get that?'' and the PIG says ''I won her in a contest!''", -How Many ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb?1:Let's go ride our bikes!2:Hey look! A squirrel., -"Knock-knock?Who's there?Little Boy Blue!Little Boy Blue Who?Michael Jackson!If you don't get it, read the title.If you still don't get it, pm me.If you STILL DON'T GET IT, you're an asshole", -"One day, I was bored and I felt like going for a ride on my bicycle. I hadn't been used for a while, since I use my car. So, I dusted it off and went off for a 1 hour ride. I was going down the street and I'm known for my absent mindedness. I didn't notice this guy was crossing the street and I went and bumped into him. Now, this man was mad cause he was wearing his new white pants and my tire got it all dirty. I got off my bike and he gave me a scolding for 2 minutes until some passersby came to my rescue and calmed him down. One of 'em said Hey, calm down buddy. He's just a kid.And the man says A kid?! Look at him! He looks like he can MAKE kids now!. I was like Wha...? Hey, you're lucky I wasn't drivin' my car!.", -"These danish chicks flash their hairy armpits, while they catch guys' reaction on candid camera. Scroll in a few minutes - it is hilarioushttp://www.dr.dk/pirattv/programmer/soestrene-bidsk/soestrene-bidsk-tester-angst-for-haar/", -"You know what? Everybody is screwed these days.In the office, you're screwed if you don't do you're job well.At home, You're screwed if you don't listen to your parents.At school/college, You're screwed by many- Teachers, bullies, the principal etc...And they say we're all screwed on December 21st 2012!But, these things don't bother me. The one thing that makes me mad is when I'm looking for a virgin and they're ALL screwed!", -"A man was kneeling by his bed, praying.His wife walks in and asks Whatcha doin'?The man - once finishing - says Praying.Whatcha prayin for? says the lady. Guidance.Don't pray for guidance, pray for stiffness and I'll guide it myself!", -"Two bulls are in a locker room when one guy notices the other dude has a cork in his ass. He says, How'd you get a cork in your ass?The other bull says, I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'And I said, 'No bullshit!'", -"Apparently, a Polish driver living in southern Ireland by the name of Prawo Jazdy had racked up dozens of speeding tickets and parking fines - but with a different address on each occasion.Eventually, the Garda discovered that Prawo Jazdy is Polish for 'driving licence'. . .", -You probably know for a fact that Adolf Hitler had only one testicle. And here we say ''You got to have balls to become a leader'', -"An elderly couple was watching the news when the man farts.The man asksWas that me, or you?", -"A boy comes home from school and runs to his father. The boy says ''Dad, a boy in my class calls me a gay'' . ''Oh yeah? Well then beat him up!'' says his dad. The boy replies ''I can't dad!''. ''Why not son?''. The boy looking away says ''Because he's kinda cute''", -No cure here. . . ., -"Yo Momma is so old that when she farts, dust comes out!", -"Yo momma is so fat, she's NOT on A Diet. . .she's on two Diets cause one ain't fittin' her well!", -"Moe the midget always gets bullied by Terrance the tall goon. After many months of getting bullied andbeing made fun of his size, Moe has had it.One day, Moe challenges Terrance saying, If you can do everything I can, then I will leave town forever and if you can't, then you will have to leave town and never return. Terrance accepts with confidence.For the first round, Moe does 10 back-flips continuously. A crowd watching the whole thing, claps. Unfortunately,Terrance also does the back-flips and wins the round. For the second round, Moe does a hand stand and walks around for several minutes without losing balance. This round is also won by Terrance.For the final round, Moe ask for Terrance to spread his legs apart while standing. Terrance does so. Moe runs in between Terrance's legs 5 times and says, Now YOU do that, and Moe spreads his legs apart . . .", -Yo Momma has afros on her nipples, -"What's the integral of 1/cabin? A natural log cabin. No, a houseboat you forgot to add the c!", -"If only DEAD people understand hexadecimal, how many people understand hexadecimal? 57005.", -Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 Oct 25 Dec., -"An analyst, a pure mathematician, and a statistician apply for a job. The interviewer asks each of them the question What is 1/3 multiplied by 3? The analyst enters it into his calculator and replies that the answer is 0.9999999. The pure mathematician replies that the answer is obviously 1. Then, the statistician asks the interviewer What do you want it to be?", -"A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space. How did you like it? the mathematician wants to know after the talk. My head's spinning, the engineer confesses. How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space? Well, it's not even difficult. All I do is visualize the situation in n-dimensional space and then set n 13.", -"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and says, I'll have a pint of lager, please. The next one says, and I'll have half of what he's having. The bartender says, You're all idiots, and pulls two pints.", -"An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, How odd. Scottish sheep are black. No, no, no! says the physicist. Only some Scottish sheep are black. The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, In Scotland, there is at least one sheep, at least one side of which looks black.", -What is sin x divided by n?Canceling the n yields six., -"A dozen, a gross, and a score Plus three times the square root of four Divided by seven Plus five times eleven Is nine squared and not a bit more.", -"If 1/ approaches as x approaches 8 from above, then will 1/ approach as x approaches 3 from above?", -"1. Avoid alliteration. Always.2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.3. Employ the vernacular.4. Eschew ampersands abbreviations, etc.5. Parenthetical remarks are unnecessary.6. Remember to never split an infinitive.7. Contractions aren't necessary.8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.9. One should never generalize.10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.13. Be more or less specific.14. Understatement is always best.15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.17. The passive voice is to be avoided.18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.20. Who needs rhetorical questions?21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.22. Don't never use a double negation.23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point24. Do not put statements in the negative form.25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.28. A writer must not shift your point of view.29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.37. Always pick on the correct idiom.38. The adverb always follows the verb.39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.", -The Englishman and the Scotsman both walk into a bar. The Irishman ducks under it., -"An Englishman, a Scotsman and a rabbi walk into a bar.The rabbi stops and says I think I'm in the wrong joke.", -"A Dane, a Norwegian and Snakeyboy made a wager on who could remain inside a goat pen the longest. First out was the Dane, who came out after just 10 minutes yelling Damn! The goat stinks! After him the Norwegian went in, and after half an hour he came out yelling, Damn! The goat stinks! Finally Snakeyboy went in. After 2 hours the goat came rushing out yelling Damn! Snakeyboy stinks!", -"You know you're addicted to wocka when your friends say something funny, and you cry out ''LOL, LOL'' instead of actually laughing out loud.", -"U.S. President Calvin Coolidge and his wife allegedly visited a poultry farm. During the tour, Mrs. Coolidge inquired of the farmer how his farm managed to produce so many fertile eggs with such a small number of roosters. The farmer proudly explained that his roosters performed their duty dozens of times each day.Perhaps you could point that out to Mr. Coolidge, pointedly replied the First Lady.The President, overhearing the remark, asked the farmer, Does each rooster service the same hen each time?No, replied the farmer, there are many hens for each rooster.Perhaps you could point that out to Mrs. Coolidge, replied the President.", -What a bullfighter tries to do. , -too much to pay for corn , -A fashionably dressed big cat , -Possessing only ten teeth. , -Where people wait for buses. , -live long , -Consumption of an expensive meal. , -A flaming elf. , -where one places dirty dishes , -"Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. Bad day at the course? his wife asked.Everything was going fine, he said. Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.Oh, that's awful!You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...", -"A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!The golfer, annoyed, says, What is it?It's a special golf ball, says the salesman. You can never lose it!Whattaya mean, scoffs the golfer, you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?No problem, says the salesman. It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.Well, what if you hit it into the woods?Easy, says the salesman. It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.Okay, says the golfer, impressed. But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!The golfer buys it at once. Just one question, he says to the salesman. Where did you get it?I found it.", -"The train was about to pull out of the station. A young man ran towards it and managed to throw his bag in and climb aboard just in time. A fellow passenger looked at him and said, Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away.The young man took a deep breath and said, I missed this train at the last station.", -Italian suppositories. , -Me not on time. -so-late), -A foot. , -An English tramp. , -In favour of youth. , -What trees do in Spring. , -how geese fly , -Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?, -How can you use a banana as a compass? Place a banana on the Berlin Wall. East is where a bite has been taken out of it., -"In the GDR, at traffic hubs and in front of supermarkets there are banana machines. You stick a banana in and five Ostmarks come out!", -"Which three great nations in the world begin with U? - USA, USSR, and our GDR . ", -The fact that the GDR considers itself as one of the 5 technologically most advanced power of the nations may be be given to the fact that there are only 5 fingers on a hand. University lecture in Hungary in the 70s, -What's the difference between Honecker and a telephone? None! Hang up and try again., -How can you tell that the Stasi has bugged your apartment?There's a new cabinet in it., -What's the difference between an HO-sausage and Sputnik?They've officially confirmed that Sputnik 2 had a dog in it., -What was the most-frequently used word at the German-German border? Goose meat. , -"A man was fishing. After a while another angler came to join him. Have you had any bites? asked the second man.Yes, lots, replied the first one, but they were all mosquitoes.", -How do you double the value of a Trabant? Fill up the tank!, -Did you know they have Knight Rider in the GDR? It's a Trabant with a pocket calculator!, -"A West German businessman is driving a Mercedes through East Germany on a rainy night when his windshield wipers stop working. He takes it to an East German mechanic, who tells him there are no Mercedes windshield wiper motors in the GDR, but he will do his best to fix it. When the businessman returns the next day, to his surprise the windshield wipers are working perfectly. How did you find a Mercedes windshield wiper motor in the East? he asks the mechanic. We didn't, replies the mechanic, We used the engine motor of a Trabant.", -Why are there so many bananas in the West? Because the Westerners are descended from apes., -What's the difference between a Western necktie and a cow's tail? The cow's tail covers the whole asshole., -"At the peak of the wave of East Germans fleeing through Hungary and Czechoslovakia in 1989, the persons still staying in East Germany were called the Der Dumme Rest .", -What do you get when you cross an Ossi with a Wessi? An arrogant unemployed person., -What do elephants have that nothing else has? Baby elephants!, -Why are golf balls small and white?Because if they were big and grey they would be elephants., -"If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my Social Studies class; it would seem so much longer.", -"Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian, and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, the police German, and it is all organized by the Italians.", -Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!, -"Would you hit a woman with a baby? No, I'd hit her with a brick.", -What has four legs and ticks?A walking clock!, -"If you'd like to know how to keep an idiot busy for hours, go to this page:http://www.wocka.com/joke.php?id17559", -"A Scottish Presbyterian is rescued after many years on a desert island. As he stands on the deck of the rescuing vessel, the captain says to him, I thought you were stranded alone. How come I can see three huts on the beach?- Well, replies the castaway, that one there is my house and that one there is where I go to church. - And the third one? asks the skipper. - Oh, that's my old church.", -"Two Rabbis argued late into the night about the existence of God, and, using strong arguments from the scriptures, ended up indisputably disproving His existence. The next day, one Rabbi was surprised to see the other walking into the Shul for morning services.I thought we had agreed there was no God, he said.Yes, what does that have to do with it? replied the other.", -"The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition.", -"Two Rabbis were discussing their problems with squirrels in their synagogue attic. One Rabbi said they simply called an exterminator and they never saw the squirrels again. The other Rabbi said, We just gave them all a bar mitzvah, and never saw the squirrels again.", -"The town of Chelm decided to build a new synagogue. So, some strong, able-bodied men were sent to a mountaintop to gather heavy stones for the foundation. The men put the stones on their shoulders and trudged down the mountain to the town below. When they arrived, the town constable yelled, Foolish men! You should have rolled the stones down the mountain! The men agreed this was an excellent idea. So they turned around, and with the stones still on their shoulders, trudged back up the mountain, and rolled the stones back down again.", -"During World War II, a sergeant gets a telephone call from a woman. We would love it, she said, if you could bring five of your soldiers over to our house for Thanksgiving dinner.Certainly, ma'am, replied the sergeant.Oh... just make sure they aren't Jews, of course, said the woman.Will do, replied the sergeant. So that Thanksgiving while the woman is baking, the doorbell rings. She opens her door and, to her horror, five black soldiers are standing in front of her.Oh, my! she exclaimed. I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake!No ma'am, said one of the soldiers. Sergeant Rosenbloom never makes mistakes!", -"A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed. On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup a miraculous shot.The angel was horrified. A hole in one! he exclaimed, You call this a punishment, Lord?!Answered God with a sly smile, So who can he tell?", -"An Orthodox, a Conservative, and a Reform rabbi are each asked whether one is supposed to say a brokhe over a lobster .The Orthodox rabbi doesn't know what a lobster is. The Conservative rabbi doesn't know what to say. The Reform rabbi says, What's a brokhe?", -We were married by a Reform rabbi in Long Island. A very Reform rabbi. A Nazi., -"At an Orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant. At a Conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant. At a Reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant. At a Reconstructionist wedding, the rabbi and her wife are both pregnant.", -"A man is rescued from a desert island after 20 years. The news media, amazed at this feat of survival, ask him to show them his home.How did you survive? How did you keep sane? they ask him, as he shows them around the small island.I had my faith. My faith as a Jew kept me strong. Come. He leads them to a small glen, where stands an opulent temple, made entirely from palm fronds, coconut shells and woven grass. The news cameras take pictures of everything even a torah made from banana leaves and written in octopus ink. This took me five years to complete.Amazing! And what did you do for the next fifteen years?Come with me. He leads them around to the far side of the island. There, in a shady grove, is an even more beautiful temple. This one took me twelve years to complete!But sir asks the reporter, Why did you build two temples?This is the temple I attend. That other place? Hah! I wouldn't set foot in that other temple if you PAID me!", -"One early winter morning, Rabbi Bloom was walking beside the canal when he saw a dog in the water, trying hard to stay afloat. It looked so sad and exhausted that Rabbi Bloom jumped in, and after a struggle, managed to bring it out alive.A passer-by who saw this remarked, That was very brave of you! You must love animals; are you a vet?Rabbi Bloom replied, And vhat did you expect? Of course I'm avet! I'm afreezing cold as vell!", -"An old Jewish beggar was out on the street in New York City with his tin cup.Please, sir, he pleaded to a passerby, could you spare seventy-three cents for a cup of coffee and some pie?The man asked, Where do you get coffee and pie for seventy-three cents in New York? It costs at least a dollar!The beggar replied, So who buys retail?", -It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer., -Is one Nobel Prizeso much to ask from a childafter all I've done?, -"Sarah, how's that boy of yours?David? Ach, don't ask - he's living in Miami with a man named MiguelThat's terrible!I know - why couldn't he find a nice Jewish boy?", -"A Frenchman, a German and a Jew walk into a bar. I'm tired and thirsty, says the Frenchman. I must have wine. I'm tired and thirsty, says the German. I must have beer. I'm tired and thirsty, says the Jew. I must have diabetes.", -"A Jewish man in a hospital tells the doctor he wants to be transferred to a different hospital.The doctor says What's wrong? Is it the food?No, the food is fine. I can't kvetch.Is it the room?No, the room is fine. I can't kvetch.Is it the staff?No, everyone on the staff is fine. I can't kvetch.Then why do you want to be transferred?I can't kvetch!", -"A rabbi once asked his old friend, a priest, Could you ever be promoted within your Church?The priest says, thoughtfully, Well, I could become a bishop.The rabbi persists, And after that?With a pause for consideration, the priest replies, Maybe I could be a cardinal, even.And then?After thinking for some time, the priest responds, Someday I may even rise to be the Pope.But the rabbi is still not satisfied. And then?With an air of incredulity, the priest cries, What more could I become? God Himself?The rabbi says quietly, One of our boys made it.", -"A rabbi is on his deathbed, and a friend asks him if he has any last requests. The Rabbi asks his friend to find him a Catholic priest, so that he might convert. Confused, his friend asks, Rabbi, why? You have been a great teacher and leader of your followers, and you have led a good and honorable Jewish life. Why would you want to become a Catholic now, before you die?He says, Eh, better one of them than one of us.", -"A minister told his friend Rabbi Goldman, Last night, I dreamed of the Jewish Heaven. It was a slum, and it was overflowing with people running, playing, talking, sitting doing all sorts of things. But the dream, and the noise, was so terrific that I woke up.The rabbi said, Really? Last night, I dreamed of the Protestant Heaven. It was a nice, proper suburb, with neatly trimmed lawns, and houses all neatly lined up.And how did the people behave? asked the minister.What people?", -An old Jewish man is picked up by the Stalinist police and brought in for questioning:Where were you born?!St. Petersburg.Where do you live?!Leningrad. Where would you like to die?!St. Petersburg., -"An elderly man refuses to leave for the air raid shelter until he can find his dentures. His wife yells at him, What, you think they are dropping sandwiches?", -"Knock, knock!Who's there?Delores.Delores who?Delores my shepherd...", -Toc Toc!Qui est l?Sheila.Sheila qui?Sheila lutte finale..., -"Knock, knock, knock! Who's there, i' th' name of Beelzebub? Here's a farmer that hanged himself on the expectation of plenty. Come in time, have napkins enough about you, here you'll sweat for 't.", -"Knock, knock! Who's there, in th' other devil's name? Faith, here's an equivocator that could swear in both the scales against either scale, who committed treason enough for God's sake, yet could not equivocate to heaven. O, come in, equivocator.", -"The economy is so bad. . .if the bank returns your check marked ''Insufficient Funds,'' you call them and ask if they meant you or them.The economy is so bad. . .a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.", -"I saw a girl the other day. I didn't like her because she was a butter face. You know 'butter face' - she has a hot body, but her face . . .", -"Knock, knock, knock! Who's there? Faith, here's an English tailor come hither for stealing out of a French hose. Come in, tailor. Here you may roast your gooses.", -"Knock, knock!Who's there?Sobers.Sobers who?Sau baras se khatkhata rahen hain, Ab to darwazaa kholo.", -Q. How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb? A. You send us the prize money and we'll tell you the answer., -"An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says What is this - some kind of joke?", -"Three blind mice walk into a bar, but they are unaware of their surroundings so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.", -"A performative poet of HiberniaRhymed himself into a herniaHe became quite adeptAt this practise, exceptFor the occasional non-sequitur.", -"I've often started off with a lawyer joke, a complete caricature of a lawyer who's been nasty, greedy and unethical. But I've stopped that practice. I gradually realised that the lawyers in the audience didn't think the jokes were funny and the non-lawyers didn't know they were jokes.", -"Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.", -"Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb.", -"This is by me, the asshole who dupes himeself.", -"There once was an X from place B, That satisfied predicate P, He or she did thing A, In an adjective way, Resulting in circumstance C.", -"Ole goes out one day to use the outhouse, and he finds Sven there. Sven has his wallet out, and he's throwing money down into the hole of the outhouse. Ole asks, Uff da! Sven, watcha doin' there, fella? You're throwing the five dollar bill and the ten dollar bill down into the hole of the outhouse! Whatcha doin' that for? Sven answers, Well, when I pulled up my trousers I dropped a nickel down thereand I'm not going down into that mess for just a nickel!", -Big foot is blurry... that's the problem!, -"It would be funny if, while performing an abortion, someone yelled 'abort! abort!'", -I have nothing to declare except my genius., -Race is just a pigment of the imagination., -If all those sweet young things were laid end to end I wouldn't be a bit surprised., -Take my wife please!, -"Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.", -I have a map of the world... its actual size., -"MONDAY:BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teethLUNCH - Send your secretary out for six Jr burgers. Y'know those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents? Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of juice.AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the juice.DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.TUESDAY:BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslawLUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.DINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.WEDNESDAY:BREAKFAST - Jaws couldn't eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho'sLUNCH - Rolaids and a cokeDINNER - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scrapsTHURSDAY:BREAKFAST - Order out for pizzaLUNCH - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays Jr Burger sack for leftovers.DINNER - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.FRIDAY:BREAKFAST - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.LUNCH - Skip lunch, Fridays are murderDINNER - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.SATURDAY:BREAKFAST - Sleep through it.LUNCH - DittoDINNER - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don't eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.SUNDAY:BREAKFAST - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.LUNCH - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don't eat Lunch.DINNER - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.", -"A man goes into his doctor's office to learn the results of some tests and immediately the doctor greets him by saying Well Sam, I have good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?Sam decides on the bad news first and his doctor tells him Sam, I'm very sorry but you have pancreatic cancer. It's inoperable and you will die within the next 2 monthsThat's absolutely horrible! What could possibly be the good news?Well you see that beautiful receptionist out there?Yeah?I'm screwing her!", -You have a million cows. Most of them are illegals., -Why does a chicken cross the street?Because it wants to get on the other side!, -Why should not a chicken cross the road? It would be a fowl proceeding., -Why does a duck cross the street?Because it was the chicken's and turkey's day off., -Why did the dinosaur cross the road?Because chickens weren't invented yet., -Why didn't the duck cross the road?To prove he's no chicken., -Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?To lay it on the line., -"What you humans call 'THE APOCALYPSE', I used to call Sunday Dinner! - Archangel, Gabriel", -"If your father is a poor man, it's your fate. But, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.", -Hw does Battery reproduce?Bi pluging it into Boodler's Giant ass!, -Why did the chewing gum cross the road?Because it was stuck to the chicken's feet., -Why did the duck cross the road?Because the chicken was on holiday., -Why didn't the chicken cross the road?Because he's chicken., -What is the difference between a chicken?Neither can ride a bicycle., -Why did the chicken cross the road?Because it had no frontal lobe., -"If rock is wet, it is raining. If rock is green, it rained a while ago. If rock is white, it is snowing. If rock is shaking, there is an earthquake. If rock is dry, the weather is fair. If rock is swinging, it's windy. If rock is warm, the sun is out. If rock is not visible, it's dark outside. If rock is under water, there is a flood. If rock is gone, there is a tornado ", -"A heavy-set woman goes into a drug store and asks for talcum powder. The bowlegged clerk says, Walk this way, and the woman answers, If I could walk that way I would not need talcum powder!", -How does boodler reproduce? By Fucking Battery's fat-Shit-and-cum filled ass, -Battery Fucked Boodler's ass hard and soft yesterday! Maybe zat explains z growth in z population recently!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1, -boodler--- kind of sounds like Boob blur! and zats why battery fucks boobler 69 times a day., -"Pass me the shellfish, said Tom crabbily. That's the last time I'll stick my arm in a lion's mouth, the lion-tamer said off-handedly. Can I go looking for the Grail again? Tom requested. I unclogged the drain with a vacuum cleaner, Tom said succinctly. I might as well be dead, Tom croaked. We just struck oil! Tom gushed. They had to amputate them both at the ankles, Tom said defeatedly. Who discovered radium? asked Marie curiously. Hurry up and get to the back of the ship, Tom said sternly.", -"Oh, I'm not a professor, he said quickly. I'm a professional balloonist, parachute jumper. Give exhibitions at county fairs. Leap for life, and all that sort of thing. I guess you mean my friend. He's smart enough for a professor. Invented a lot of things. How much is the damage? No professor? cried Miss Perkman indignantly. Why I understood from Miss Nestor that she called some one professor. I was referring to my friend, Mr. Swift, said Mary. His father's a professor, anyhow, isn't he, Tom? I mean Mr. Swift! I believe he has a degree, but he never uses it, was the lad's answer. Ha! Then I have been deceived! There is no professor present! and the old maid drew herself up as though desirous of punishing some one. Young ladies, for the last time, I order you to your rooms, and, with a dramatic gesture she pointed to the scuttle through which the procession had come. Say something, Tom I mean Mr. Swift, appealed Mary Nestor, in a whisper, to our hero. Can't you give some sort of a lecture? The girls are just crazy to hear about the airship, and this ogress won't let us. Say something! I I don't know what to say, stammered Tom.", -"A Scottish highlander is asked what his three wishes would be. He first wishes for a lake full of whisky. His second wish is for a similar quantity of good food. When asked for his third wish, after a moment of indecision, he asks for a second lake full of whisky.", -"The confused protagonist suddenly finding himself in the presence of the genie, who informs him that he has one wish left; he has just used the second wish to completely undo the effect of the first, including his own memory of making it. Undaunted, the protagonist makes his third wish, only to have the genie comment wryly that he wished for the same thing the first time.", -"When I saw that item, I said to my wife, I don't think spaghetti grows on trees, so we'd looked it up in Encyclopdia Britannica. Do you know, Miall, Encyclopdia Britannica doesn't even mention spaghetti.", -"In America, you can always find a party. In Russia, the Party finds you. In America, you listen to man on radio.In Soviet Russia, man on radio listen to you.In America, you watch television.In Soviet Russia, television watches you.", -"An American, a Russian, and an African were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. He said, We're right over my homeland.How can you tell? asked the American.I can feel the cold air, he replied.A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. We're right over my homeland, he said.How do you know that? asked the Russian. I can feel the heat of the desert.Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. Aah! We're right over New York.The Russian and the African were amazed. How do you know that? they exclaimed.The American pulled his hand up. My watch is missing.", -"A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. I just heard the funniest joke in the world! Well, go ahead, tell me! says the other judge. I can't - I just gave a guy ten years for it!", -"Lenin died, but his cause lives on!", -"The winter's passed, The summer's here. For this we thank Our party dear!", -"Will there be KGB in communism? As you know, in communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to arrest themselves.", -#NAME?, -"Abramovich was sentenced to 5 years, served 10, then fortunately was paroled before he served the rest of his sentence.", -"Three men sit in a jail in Dzerzhinsky Square. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, and he says, Because I criticized Karl Radek. The first man responds, But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Radek! They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail too. He responds, I'm Karl Radek.", -"Comrade Brezhnev, is it true that you collect political jokes? Yes And how many have you collected so far? Three and a half labor camps.", -"Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA?In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, Down with Reagan! and you will not be punished.Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, Down with Reagan! and you will not be punished.", -Is it true that the Soviet Union is the most progressive country in the world? Of course! The life was already better yesterday than it's going to be tomorrow!, -To sum up the Russians' experience with political leaders thus far:Lenin showed how a country can be ruled;Stalin showed how a country should be ruled;Khrushchev showed that a moron can rule a country;Brezhnev showed that not just any moron can rule a country., -"During the famine of the civil war, a delegation of starving peasants comes to the Smolny, wishing to file a petition. We have even started eating the grass like horses, says one peasant. Soon we will start neighing like horses! Come on! Don't worry! says Lenin reassuringly. We are drinking tea with honey here, and we are not buzzing like bees, are we?", -Comrade Stalin! This man is your exact double! / Shoot him! / Maybe we should shave off his moustache? / Good idea! Shave it off and then shoot him!. ., -"At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. O! - applause. O! - more applause. O! - yet more applause. O! - an ovation. O!!! - the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, Leonid Ilyich, that's the Olympic rings, you don't need to read it!", -"Leonid Ilyich!... / Come on, no formalities among comrades. Just call me 'Ilyich' .", -"Have you heard it? Brezhnev died! / What happened, heart attack? / No, short-circuit of eyebrows.", -"Comrade Andropov is the most turned on man in Moscow! Comrade Andropov is sure to light up any discussion! Why did Brezhnev go abroad, and Andropov did not? Because Brezhnev ran on batteries, but Andropov needed an outlet. .", -"What is the main difference of succession under tsarist regime and under socialism? Under tsarist regime the power transferred from father to a son, and under socialism - from one grandfather to another.", -"Today, due to bad health and without regaining consciousness Konstantin Ustinovich Chernenko took up the duties of Secretary General.", -"My wife has been going to cooking school for three years. / She must really cook well by now! / No, they've only reached the part about the Twentieth CPSU Congress so far.", -"Dad, can I have the car keys?Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!", -"Have you heard, Putin ordered the government to arrest the inflation.Well, not exactly, he ordered to have it arrested...and jailed.", -"Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says, Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue. Why blue? Putin asks. Ha! says Stalin. I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part.", -Attempting to enter a case-sensitive password with caps-lock on. Not checking to ensure that the computer is indeed plugged in. Clicking Yes on message boxes without reading them properly and deleting important files. Forgetting to plug an ethernet cable into their laptop's network card when in the office. Allowing sessions to timeout when using a web application. Erroneous data entry., -And the beast shall come forth surrounded by a roiling cloud of vengeance. The house of the unbelievers shall be razed and they shall be scorched to the earth. Their tags shall blink until the end of days., -"And the beast shall be made legion. Its numbers shall be increased a thousand thousand fold. The din of a million keyboards like unto a great storm shall cover the earth, and the followers of Mammon shall tremble.", -"And so at last the beast fell and the unbelievers rejoiced. But all was not lost, for from the ash rose a great bird. The bird gazed down upon the unbelievers and cast fire and thunder upon them. For the beast had been reborn with its strength renewed, and the followers of Mammon cowered in horror.", -"An Irishman, a Scotsman, and an American walk into a bar.The beginning of a cheesy joke?You betcha.", -"As of 11-23-09, my score was 1337.How the hell that happened beats me.I thought I was a crappy joke writer.This is boring isn't it?Thought so.At least it's not a dupe.Or is it...Nope, it's not.Boring as hell, right?Thought so.", -How dod the person take over the remote?, -How did the person take over the remote?He asked for remote CONTROLS!, -"Have you ever had those days when your computer fucking sucks?Now you have a poem to say!I'm gonna get some Coke and a snack,This should be FUCKING WORKING by the time I get back.", -God said Let there be light.Chuck Norris said Say please., -"A Pokemon Trainer walks into a STD help center.The nurse there says Sorry, but it looks like you've caught 'em all", -"This is a insult I use on my brother's girlfriend if she starts annoying me too much. She has a very tiny bridge in her nose that is only noticeable if you look close enough. Its fun to mess with her about it cause she is very self conscious about it.That bridge on your nose is so big, it could fit Rosie O'Donald across the Grand Canyon!", -"Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?", -"Knock-Knock...Who's there?....The Gestapo...The Gestapo, who?.....VEE VILL BE ASKING ZE QUESTIONS HERE!!", -"Two hillbillies just come out of a divorce court.The ex-wife is crying her eyes out.Her ex-husband comes over and says:There, there Missy, you're still my sister!", -Your mum's so fat she fell in love and broke it., -"Your mum's so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck.", -When was the price of milk the highest?When the cow jumped over the moon., -"What is red, black, has ten eyes, and crawls?I do not know but it is on your head.", -Yo mama is SO fat that the amount of food she eats for dinner could feed ALL the Ethiopeans for a year!, -Yo mama is so dumb each time she hears Obama's name on tv she throws her hands in the air ducks for cover Yelling OH BOMB A WHERE?!?!?!, -why did hitler kill himself? because he saw his gas bill, -they says theres safety in numbers?tell that to six million jews!, -Knock-knockWho's there?SomeoneSomeone who?Someone who cuts of during mid sen . . ., -A black man and a Jew jump off a building; who wins?Society., -why are black people getting stronger?tv's are getting bigger, -"How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?1 to screw it in, and 3 to write a song about it.", -What did the farmer say when his truck disappeared?Where's my truck?, -"Yo Momma' so fat, she gets winded going up the escalator!", -"It was really hot last summer. In fact, it was so hot I saw a republican with his head out of his ass.", -"1. You had to share a room until you were 21.2. You try and re-use gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.3. You are standing next to the two largest suitcases at the airport.4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party and think it s normal.5. All your children have nicknames, which sound nowhere close to their real names.6. You know someone with 20 kids.7. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.8. You can fit 10 people into a Civic.9. Your parents never throw anything away and if you by some chance manage to get something to make it to the garbage can . . . it mysteriously appears back where it was again.10. You have lace curtains.11. You have lace tablecloths.12. You have or had rugs on your walls.13. Your mom tells you you're too skinny even though you're 30 pounds overweight.14. Girls can't have boyfriends when they are 17 but they have to be married at 18.15. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think but they won't let you do certain things because of what other 'brat'ya' and 'sestri' will think.16. You or your relatives have at least five gold teeth in their mouth.17. Either you or 40 of your relatives drive a Civic, Eclipse, Camry, BMW or Accord.18. Your car windows are tinted twice the legal limit.19. Going over 100 mph is routine.20. You're driving on 2 tickets and don't remember what your license looks like.21. You've been driving without a license for 2 years.22. You say let's meet at 9; you actually mean I'll wake up at 9, take a shower, eat, watch tv and meet you at 12.23. You stand around in circles of friends for an hour deciding what to do.24. After leaving a restaurant, it actually means you're going outside to the parking lot to talk for another hour.25. Your uncle/dad fixes cars from the auction.26. You drive a car bought from an auction. .27. You know you're a new Russian immigrant if you wear church shoes with jeans, shorts, or slacks . . . while playing volleyball.28. You know you are a new Russian immigrant if you tuck your shirt in your shorts.29. At least 5 of your relatives are named Volodia, Yura, Olya, Oksana, Nataliya or Tanya.30. All of your CDs are burned, or you bought them at a Bazaar for 2 bucks a piece.31. You can make Perogis in 18 different flavors.32. You get kicked out of every kart, theme park, and anything potentially dangerous.33. When you work at construction site.34. You have five leather jackets and matching gloves.35. You keep your stash of cash under your mattress instead of a savings account.36. Twelve of your friends get into a movie with only one ticket.37. Your house is full of foreign medicine that is probably illegal here.38. You sing at every party you go to.39. Your mom recycles plastic cups, plastic plates, and sandwich bags by washing them.40. You don't know how to use a dishwasher.41. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.42. Your dad has butchered a pig or lamb.43. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many bowls as possible.44. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils.45. You eat bread with everything.", -"Dear John,I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila John's reply... Dear Sheila, A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and check all rounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.I hope this helps, John", -"Man- Jesus Christ! I can't open this hard drive.Jesus- Use the torx, Luke.", -"After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama bin Laden made his way to the pearly gates.There, he is greeted by George Washington. How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive! yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.Patrick Henry comes up from behind. You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death! Henry punches Osama on the nose.James Madison comes up next, and says This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense! He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams This is not what I was promised!An angel replies I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?", -Whats the difference between a black man and a farm tractor? Nothing! The tractor is just an upgrade!, -"1. You consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.2. If you're proud that Alaska makes the national news 96 nights each year because Trapper Creek is the coldest spot in the nation.3. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year.4. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead.5. If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of jellied moose nose.6. If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time.7. If you have either a pet or child named Bear.", -"1. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches.2. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.3. If you know how to say Matanuska, Tokositna, Kichatna, Oshetna, Bodenburg and Muktuk.4. If you think that ketchup is one of the seven main food groups.5. If your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a motor home on the highway.6. If your whole family wears mukluks to church on Sunday.7. If you see people wearing camouflage at social events - including weddings and funerals.", -"My doctor says I have insomnia, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.", -"Entitled To One Phone CallTwo teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, enjoying a joint on the edge of the fountain in the town square.The arresting officer, unable to reach their parents, gave them each one phone call.A half hour later, a man entered the station.The sergeant said, I suppose you're the kids' lawyer?Nope, the chap replied. I'm just delivering their pizza!", -What is the difference between Jam and Marmalade?You can't marmalade your dick up a 2 year olds ass., -"The following is based off a true story.In my high school english class our english teacher Ms. Simoff had given us homework to do and if we didn't do it we wouldn't be allowed to watch a movie. The next day my friend Jason came in and told the teacher that he did not do his homework. The teacher sent him to another classroom to finish his work. When he asked why he was in trouble Ms. Simoff said,Because you didn't do what I asked you to last night.The class proceeded to burst into laughter.", -"A rich Texan told the president of the University of Texas, I want to set you up with a billion-dollar endowment fund, with but one condition.What's the condition? asked the U.T president.I want you to give my horse an honorary degree. She's served me faithfully for fifteen years and she deserves a B.T. degree, a Bachelor of Transportation.The president said, I've got to consult my trustees. I'll get back to you.The trustees debated an hour until one senior trustee, who had appeared to be napping during the whole discussion, said softly, I think we should take his money and give the horse the degree.Another trustee piped up, But wouldn't you be embarrassed to give an honorary degree to a horse?Nope, said the old man. In fact, it would be the first time I can remember that we gave an honorary degree to a whole horse!", -"Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile . . .1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.4. No one knows your secret place.5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.There! See? It really does work . . . You're smiling already.", -"Before he left on a business trip, the father took his young son aside.Terence, I'm trusting you to take care of the family while I'm gone. You're going to be the man of the house.Comprehending the gravity of the situation, Terence replied soberly, In that case, I'm gonna need the remote.", -"Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador dog.Oh, I wouldn't if I were you!, says Mick. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?", -"I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.", -"A twelve-year-old boy received a journal as a birthday gift. He looked at it carefully, but was mystified.Mom, what's the deal with this book? All the pages are blank, he asked.That's called a journal, she explained. You write down interesting stuff that happens to you.His face brightened as he caught her drift. So it's kinda like a blog, only on paper?", -What is the definition of perfect pitch?When you throw the accordion into the dumpster and it lands on the banjo. What is the definition of a quarter tone?Two oboes playing in unison.What do you call a guitar player who just broke up with his girlfriend??Homeless.How do you know if the drum stand is level?There is drool coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth., -"What do you do when you see a Mexican riding a bike?Throw a stone at him, it's your bike!", -"This site is dead. There has been an all-time low in traffic. No one posts anymore. The end of the site is a tragic one, and I will miss the site. Wocka has fallen from its high branch. Submit your hate towards, but you know it's true.", -One fine day.... you're just walking by....You look at this bird.... it shits in your eye....You don't swear.... you don't cry.... You just thank God.... that cows don't fly...., -"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper? the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded.Madam, said the newspaper employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY.There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a sight of resignation as she was heard to mutter, Well, fuck . . . I guess that's why no one was at church today.", -Oedipus was a real motherfucker., -Why did the chicken cross the road?Because the chicken and the road can't agree on anything., -"Did you hear the one about when the Great Recession began? The President appointed a cat to chair the Federal Reserve. Do you know why?Because when a cat falls, it always lands on its feet.", -Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunt. Aunt who? Aren't you glad you got rid of all those grannies?, -Why did the Japanese steal the Diaoyu Islands?Because they don't have enough room for their funny farms!, -"Due to insufficient activity and a measly community, it has been decided that Wocka shall be merged with Braingle.com, the sister site of Wocka but with brain teasers. The decision was not an easy one, and there has been long discussions with Jake in both the Braingle and Wocka forums. The discussion was so heated that even Braingle's debate forums could not equal it. However, consensus was in favour of the merge and there's not much you can do about it.The following measures shall be taken:1) All Wocka users now have a Braingle account. If they've already had one before, then their Wocka score is added to their Braingle score. Jake has made sure that the passwords of every Wocka and Braingle user match. If your Braingle and Wocka passwords are different, Jake will send you an email by tomorrow noon, Braingle time telling you what to do.2) All Wocka users with over 1000 marks now have an extra green karma arrow at Braingle.3) Wocka awards have been altered so that they differ from Braingle awards. The new set of awards have been transferred to your Braingle account.4) Wocka's joke database is yet to be transferred to Braingle, so you cannot view jokes there or look at your favourites yet.5) The Wocka forums will be merged into Braingle's soon.6) In order to match Braingle, subscription will be renamed to joke watchlist soon.7) Editors of Wocka are now Jokemasters of Braingle.8) Any Wocka user who actually thinks this message is serious loses ALL points on Braingle earned by taking the IQ test.", -"A man was having a serious surgical operation. When he woke up, he asked his doctor, Did it go well?It went perfectly.Then why do I have this headache?Oh, that. Halfway through the operation, we ran out of anesthetic.", -What's the Swedish word for divorce and swearing?Ikea., -"Since workaholics are people addicted to work and chocaholics are people addicted to chocolate, are catholics people addicted to cats?", -"I had a great memory once, but I don't know where I left it. You haven't seen it lying around anywhere have you?No? No what?", -"As I always say, REAL men don't shave below the neck.Well, unless they are a body builder, I guess you have to show it off.Then again, it might be good for a boxer to be more slippery so punches have less stick or whatever.Yea, I guess it's the same with kick boxers.Also, I guess porn stars have their reasons.And male models....OK, I guess I meant that REAL men don't shave below the neck, unless they can beat me up, of course.", -"If you copy from your textbooks, it's making good use of what you've learnt.If you copy from anywhere else, it's plagiarism.", -What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty?The water bottle hit Justin Bieber first., -knock knock!whose there?yer momoh come in!, -Yo momma's so ugly the bank had to turn its security cameras off when she came in., -Ivan VakinovKotcha VakinovIsenya Vakinov, -"Our new greengrocery is now starting!We feature lead-free gasoline, phosphorus-free washing powder, fluorine-free refrigerator, ..., and iodine-free salt.", -"It's so easy, it makes pie look hard.", -"Yo momma is so fat that when she rolled offa the bed, she rolled off BOTH sides.Yo momma is so fat that when she jumped for joy, she got stuck.Yo momma's teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter.Yo momma's so fat that when she wears a red shirt all the kids go koolaid! koolaid!Yo momma's so fat that when I swerved to miss her, I ran outta gas.Yo momma's so fat that when I tried to drive around her, I had to stop and ask for directions.Yo momma has so many chins that she keeps a bookmark in her mouth so she can remember where to stuff the food. yo mama is so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch xDYo moma's like a baby she sucks everything in sightYo moma's got more chins than a Chinese phone book...?yo momma so fat even dora couldn't explore her", -Dick Hurtz Dick Assman Teola doing the Hula to Hawaii Rusty Kuntz A. Fucks , -"Your mother used to go fishing in the Pacific ocean, but now she goes fission there.", -Yo Mamma soo fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington's nose, -"A guy walks into a bar right at the top of the Grand Canyon. Another patron comes up to him and says did you know the air currents in the canyon are so strong you can jump off and they pull you right back up?What?! the man said you must be drunk. No really, watch this! and he jumps into the Grand Canyon, and WHOOSH! flies back up.That was amazing! the second man said so the first guy does it again. Finally the second guy decides it really does work and goes for it. He jumps off and splatters on the ground.The first guy returns to the bar and the bartender says Damn, Superman, you sure are a jerk when you're drunk.", -"Superman was bored one day; he goes to see Batman, and he asks, Do you want to go save the world?Sorry Batman said. Spring cleaning at the Batcave, so Superman goes to see the Green Lantern.You wanna save the world? he asks. Can't, ring has been acting up, Lantern said.Then, flying around the city, Superman sees Wonderwoman sitting on top of a building totally naked. Superman thinks to himself, knowing that he could fly down there, do his business and be gone before she realized what happened., so he decide to go for it, flies down, has his fun, and is gone. Wonderwoman asks, What's wrong, Invisible Man? I don't know but my ass hurts like hell!", -"The farmer had 3 daughters; Flo, Betty, and Sam. Each girl had a date that night, but being the overprotective father that he was he had to meet the guy first. so sitting there in his chair with a shotgun he meets the guys. the first walks up and says Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to see the show, is she ready to go? The farmer allows them to go off, and the next boy comes up. Hey, my name is Petty, I'm here for Betty, we're getting spaghetti is she ready? The Farmer allows them to go. Now the last guy comes up. Hi, I'm Chuck... and BAM the farmer shoots him", -Have you heard the joke about the blind gynecologist? She could read lips., -"January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels . . . Helllloooo!!! . . . bottles won't fit in printer!!!March Got really excited . . . finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months . . . box said 2-4 years!April Trapped on escalator for hours . . .power went out!!!May Tried to make Kool-Aid . . .wrong instructions . . . 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!June Tried to go water skiing . . . couldn't find a lake with a slope.July Lost breast stroke swimming competition . . . learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!August Got locked out of my car in rain storm . . . Car swamped because soft-top was open.September The capital of California is C . . . isn't it???October Hate M M's . . . they are so hard to peel.November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!December Couldn't call 911 . . . duh . . . there's no eleven button on the stupid phone!!!", -"A lecturing teacher noticed a lack of enthusiasm in her class. Few were paying attention so she decided to make an announcement, The person to answer this next question gets to go home. The students were all brought to attention and a buzz went over the room. Suddenly, a male student grabbed his bag nd threw it out the window. The entire class went quiet. The teacher said, Who did that?! with a sense of anger behind her voice. Me, the male student replied. Now I can go home for answering your question. So he walked out of the classroom.", -"Girl eagerly asks her boyfriend Where is my birthday gift?The boyfriend points to a sports car across the street and says You see that beautiful and expensive Ferrari on the other side of the road?Girl gets excited and screams, Yeah!Boy, also excitedly, says, Well, I got you the same color nail varnish!", -I used facebook for a few days and got addicted to it.I've been studying since I was 6. Why the hell am I not addicted to it?, -"Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.The first Catholic man tells his friends, My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.The second Catholic man chirps, My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'.The third Catholic gent says, My son is a Cardinal . . . When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'.The fourth Catholic man then says, My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'.Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, Well . . .?She proudly replies, I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24 waist and 34 hips. When she walks into a room, people say, 'Oh My God.'", -"When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.When the going gets tough, upgrade.For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.He who laughs last probably made a back-up.A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.", -"Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.Samurai Bank is soldiering on, following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.", -"Dear Abby,I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with the girls.When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor Made 460 driver.Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA Superstore?Signed...Concerned Golfer", -"Guide - I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. This is the world's biggest waterfall and the sound intensity of the waterfalls is so high that even 20 supersonic jet planes passing by cannot be heard. Now, I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagara Falls!", -"one day boodler is walking down the street minding his own business when suddenly a shady figure drags him into the alley.the huge man rapes poor boodler with his freakishly large 20 inch cock. boodler squeals like a pig. no one comes to help or look as the town is familiar with the sound. you see, boodler goes around town butt naked every sunday squealing like a pig. and today happens to be sunday. no one helps the poor bastard. boodler can take so much cock up his ass all at once. so he faints although the raping continues.next day morning, boodler finds himself in an alley. poor pig limps. his ass sore from the joy ride last night. now you can see him submitting jokes on wocka trying to score some shit", -Is anybody STILL ALIVE ON WOCKA??????I KNOW THIS ISNT A JOKE BUT THIS WAY THE ONLY WAY TO GET YOUR ATTENTION!HELLOOOO.... WAS THAT AN ECHO ECHO ECHO?, -"Imagine that you are on an adventure in a jungle with your best friend. Your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake while he was peeing. There isn't a hospital for hundreds of miles. The question is, will you SUCK the poison out or will you just watch him die?", -What's grosser than gross? A pile of dead babies in a trash can.What's grosser than that?The one at the bottom is still alive.What's grosser than that? He has to eat his way to freedom.What's grosser than that?He goes back for more., -"Take a look at these 45 items and see if you find yourself relating and laughing until it hurts!More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. That's enough, Nickelback.I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the people you may know feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message board or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.There is a great need for sarcasm font.Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.The only time I look forward to a red light is when I trying to finish a text.Was learning cursive really necessary?LOL has gone from meaning, laugh out loud to I have nothing else to say.I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.Whenever someone says I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart, all I hear is I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart.How many times is it appropriate to say What? before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said, Yes that's G as in......ummm...Goonies.While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.MapQuest really needs to start their directions on 5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.Bad decisions make good stories.Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.Do not machine wash or tumble dry means I will never wash this ever.I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring , but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.When I meet a new person, I'm terrified of mentioning something they haven't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey but I bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...I think the freezer deserves a light as well.I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat %$! before dinner.", -"Yo momma was so fat, I was surprised that she could even jump!", -"wocka is dead. no one comments anymore. no one submits jokes anymore. Can someone fix these glitches?--when I write a comment and click on submit, half the time, the comment is not posted no matter how many times I try to re-post.-Even if I select show all for the full comments list, the hidden comments dont show up. wtf?I'm sorry this IS the only way I can get some attention since the forum is a ghost town.", -yo mama is so fat when she jumped she fell through the ground!, -yo mamma is so fat it takes 1111111111111111111111111999999999thousand belts to fit her waist, -yo-mamma is so fat shes fat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, -"The other day, I bought a packet of air. I was surprised to find a few potato chips inside it.-Dedicated to Lays", -The only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper., -"A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, I love you.The husband says, Is that you or the wine talking?The wife replies, It's me, talking to the wine.", -"Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need Sam's help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator. On the way down Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him.I don't know, he said. She is till upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.", -"The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the town's preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa.", -"It's my wife's birthday today so I went out earlier in the week and deliberately got her a present that I knew she'd hate. True to form she opened it, took one look and said, What the fuck would I want with an xbox? I'm going to take this back to the shop and ask for a refund.I can't wait to see her little face when she gets arrested for looting.", -"There was this old woman who heard a song called Two Lips and Seven Kisses. She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, Do you have Two Lips and Seven Kisses?The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!So the woman asked, Is this a record?To which the man replied, No, its average!", -"Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards. said one doctor. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us! The second doctor said, That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded! Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. Oh my God! said the first doctor, I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!", -What a woman says...This place is a mess! C'mon!You and I need to clean up!Your stuff is lying on the floor andYou'll have no clothes to wear if wedon't do laundry right now! What a man hears...blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blahblah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blahblah blah blah RIGHT NOW!, -"A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich. The Madam says, For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf. The trucker says, I'm not horny, I'm homesick.", -"guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, What size?He says, I don't know.She holds up a finger and says, That big?He says, Bigger.She holds up three fingers and says, That big?He says, Smaller?She holds up two fingers and he says, That's it.She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, Medium.", -"A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. I have just the thing, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. Just place this between your cheek and gum. The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, And what if I swallow it?No problem, says the barber. Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.", -"A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, Yes. I'll have a couple more. The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, Why, do you order two drinks at a time?The man replies, Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife.Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, Your wife? Where is she?She's standing here next to me.The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!The man replies, No, but she's a lot better!", -"A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you! The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms! The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, Go ahead!", -"An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him. She said, I can't do this, I have acute angina. The old guy says God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen.", -"A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.", -"Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle.Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.Yo mama has one hand and a Clapper.Yo mama has green hair and thinks she's a tree.Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.Yo mama has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.Yo mama has a glass eye with a fish in it.Yo mama has a short leg and walks in circles.Yo mama has a short arm and can't applaude.Yo mama has so many freckles she looks like a hamburger!Yo mama has three fingers and a banjo.Yo mama has a wooden leg with a kickstand on it.Yo mama has a bald head with a part and sideburns.Yo mama has a wooden leg with branches.Yo mama has so many teeth missing, it looks like her tounge is in jail.", -Yo moma so fat and retarded that she thinks shes skinny., -"A Windows customer said when he closes his windows, they disappear.", -"Yo Mama is so FAT that when she turned around,it was her birhtday!", -"A blond was seen walking in a local mall wearing nothing but shoes, a shirt and nothing else.'When security stopped her and asked her what she thought she was doing, She replied, I saw a sign that said take half off and save money.", -"A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.You all have obsessions, he observed.To the first mother, he said, You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.He turned to the second mom. Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, Come on, Dick, let's go", -"I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me . . . then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.", -"An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained. Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing; then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help - she tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor? The old man replied, Yep, and none of us could get the jar open.", -"A Mexican, an American, and a Pollock are all in an airplane Flying over Mexico.The Mexican drops a pear on his country.When the American asks why he says he loves his country.Then they're flying over the US and the American drops an apple.When the Pollock asks why he says because he loves his country.Then they're flying over the Pollock's country and the Pollock drops a bomb.When the American and the Mexican ask why he says because he hates his country.A while later the Mexican is walking the streets and he sees a boy who is crying.He asks why and the boy says because a pear fell out of the sky and hit him on the head.The American is walking the streets and he sees a little girl crying.When he asks her why she says because an apple fell out ofthe sky and hit her on the head.The Pollock is walking the streets and he comes to a man that is laughing.When he asks him why the man says, Because I farted and the building behind me blew up!", -"One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.Soon comes a little girl that asks Sir, what's under the newspaper?The man replies with it's a birdy and never ever touch it.He soon falls asleep.Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask whathappened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest.", -"1. Cover your stump before you hump2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker3. Don't be silly, protect your willy4. When in doubt, shroud your spout5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick12. If you go into heat, package your meat13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool18. The right selection will protect your erection19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil20. A crank with armor will never harm her21. No glove, no love!", -"Yo mama's so old her social security number is 1!Yo mama's so old she flicked the switch when god said let there be light!Yo mama's so old that when she was in school there was nohistory class!Yo mama's so old she's in Jesus's yearbook!Yo mama's so old her birth certificate says expired on it!Yo mama's so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince!Yo mama's so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper!Yo mama's so old she ran track with dinosaurs!Yo mama's so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals!Yo mama's so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook!Yo mama's so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade!Yo mama's so stupid when she saw the under 17 not admitted sign, she went home and got 16 friends!Yo mama's so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!Yo mama's so stupid that she tried to put MM's in alphabetical order!Yo mama's so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!Yo mama's so stupid that she sold the car for gas money!Yo mama's so stupid she asked you What is the number for911?!Yo mama's so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept!Yo mama's so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put O.K.!Yo mama's so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out!", -What s green and hangs from a tree???Giraffe Boogers, -"Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, I'm going to become a lion tamer.The other replies, That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming.Yes I do!Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?Well, then I'll takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out ofthe cage.Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.", -"The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday? Conan O'BrienThe Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship. David LettermanOsama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.' Craig FergusonApparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden's death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion. Craig FergusonHow about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head. David LettermanLast night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, I love all living things, but that guy was a dick. Conan O'Brien", -"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation. Jay Leno.A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term. Conan O'Brien.President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.' Jay Leno, on the debt deal.Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull. David Letterman, on the debt deal.President Obama said he'd be OK being a one-term President; and with that he shoved an iPhone down his pants and pressed 'send.' Conan O'Brien.President Obama said regarding the economy, 'The sky is not falling.' The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner's pants are falling, but the sky is fine. Jay Leno.The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship. David Letterman.Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have been elected if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Jimmy Fallon.President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead just like the Republicans' chances in 2012. Jimmy Fallon.", -"There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. I'm sorry, he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.", -"The armies of the opposition have neared Washington, Paris and London. The governments of US, France and London did nothing about it. 'Sorry! We need to bomb first.'", -"- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?- You can't have everything, where would you put it?- Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of baldmen?- In a country of free speech why are there telephone bills?- If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?", -What did the father buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?- Bison!, -If Bob the Butcher is 5'11'' what does he weigh?-Meat, -"A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?The owner replies, I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant.", -What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation., -"A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it? The wife replies, Cut it off and shove it up his ass! The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, It fucking hurts doesn't it!", -"Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The guys go along there, only to be told by receptionist at the hotel that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not happy, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed. That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says, I dreamt I had the best wank last night. The guy on the left side says, That's funny, I had the exact same dream!. The guy in the middle says, I dreamt I was skiing.", -"A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. Put these on, he said to his wife. She did and they were obviously much too large. There's no way I can wear these - they're way too big, she said. Good! Now you know who wears the pants in this family, replied the husband.Flustered, the wife removed her panties, and handing them to her husband said, Put these on. The husband looked at the tiny panties and said, There's no way I can get into these. To which the wife replied, You're damn right! At least not until you change your attitude!", -"An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:Dearest Wife,Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.Your Loving Husband.P.S. Sure is hot down here.", -"A man, trying to understand the nature of God, asked Him, God, how long is a million years to you? God answered, A million years is like a minute. Then the man asked, God, how much is a million dollars to you? And God replied, A million dollars is like a penny. Finally, the man asked, God, could you give me a penny? And God said, In a minute.", -"A fact of life:After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F", -An actual sign outside a house:The dog is okay. Beware of the owner, -"The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.", -One time I was walking and I saw a deer then a turkey comes out and the turkey and deer interact by speaking in human words then all of a sudden a really bright light formed and the deer and turkey have fused to make a durkey a dear and turkey combined it has a head of a deer and the body of the turkey after that this was on the news and they said it could be seen from Africaso then a passer by the next daytook the durkey and that guy who ate it became that same turkeybut the good ole friend the deer was gone that passer by became the turkey but the deer got eaten the normal way.This should keep you laughing for hours, -A spanish speaking person was eating breakfast they where having english muffins the rest of the family was Englishso he was eating an English muffin after that he tried to say Uno but instead was completely English Wierd, -33% of men use their left hand to pee. 67% of men use their right hand. 89% wanted to know why I'm watching them pee., -"When you look up Yahoo! Answers on Yahoo! search, it tells you it's deleted according to community guidelines. When you look it up on Google Search, it's restored according to Google Cache's workings.", -My dog Minton has eaten my shuttle cock. Bad Minton!, -The European union has decided the only way to avoid Greece defaulting on its debts is to replace the government and civil service with 300 Spartans !, -"Dreams are like underpants. You've got 'em, but you can't prove you do by showing it to everyone.", -"My wife and I were at an outdoor shopping mall, and I came across what I thought was a 'life-sized' chess board. So I began playing chess solo. Ten moves in, my wife comes by and says, Honey, that's a crche!", -What is the world's sharpest thing?A fart! It goes through your pants without leaving a hole!, -What is striped and lays eggs?A chicken in jail!, -"Hey, I saw you in Dunkin' donuts yesterday!! You're the one ordering triple chocolate, double vanilla, quadrupal cinnamon and double whip cream dounut filled with sprinkles.", -"Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!No, the driver says, it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.The police officer then walks up and says, You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?Oh, no, officer, says the driver, pointing to his forehead, We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch.", -"Do you know what Never say Never sounds like ? its like your teacher at your classroom screaming at you and saying don't say fuck in class!Justin Bieber's mother often tells his friends stories of when he was little. The stories are from a few months ago.Who's that girl singing? Oh...Wait...Thats justin beiberI called Justin Bieber gay, and he slapped me with his purse.Yo Usher! Are you coming out tonight? -Nah I'm babysitting Justin Bieber!Justin Bieber always sings about girls... she must be a lesbian.Hey you guys are so mean to Justin, leave HER alone!Justin Bieber kept video of himself striping in YouTube, which caught the attention of gay manager and next day he became star.In an interview with MTV News, Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe said that when he heard Justin Bieber sing for the first time, he thought he was a woman. That's ridiculous. Justin Bieber is not a woman. He's a girl.In next season of Disney's Hannah Montana , Justin will be playing the role of Hannah Montana.Justin Bieber is the Brand Ambassadors of sanitary pads.Justin Bieber is using hair growing oil to get puberty .", -"One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, thumpety thump, thumpety thump. He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap. Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap. He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash. Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of robutusin and threw it - and the coffin stopped!", -"I think my smartphone is broken. I keep pressing the Home button, but I'm still working.", -"Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth. Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag. Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and carefully pours 2 drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and quickly go limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water.A few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his leg. He looks down and is amazed to see the same water moccasin with 2 frogs in its mouth.", -"16.A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?'' The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.'' The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?'' ''Oh, that one's a C monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,'' said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ''That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?'' The shopkeeper replied, ''Well, I don't actually know, but the other two called him boss.''", -"Every time I hear the dirty word Exercise, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.", -"Today's school kids are spending less time at recess than their predecessors. Experts say if the trends continues, future Congressmen may not have enough experience goofing off.", -"Sitting next to each other on a plane are a blond woman and a lawyer. To make the plane ride a bit more interesting, the lawyer suggests that he and the blond play a game. We each take turns asking a question, and if you answer wrong you must give me $5 and if I answer wrong I give you $5.The blond woman says nothing. Okay, says the man, if I answer wrong, I have to give you $50, but if you answer wrong you only have to give me $5.Alright, says the blond, you go first.The man asks her what is the distance from Earth to the nearest star? the woman says nothing and hands $5 to the man.What has five legs, is covered in pink and purple spots, and lives on a hill?The lawyer, never having heard this riddle, gave the woman $50. Wait, he said, what is the answer to that question? Without saying a word, the woman hands him $5.", -"An old lady walks into a bank and says, I would like to set up an account.The man at the desk says, Okay, how much would you like to deposit?The woman replies, $5,000.Wow! says the man, where did you get all of that?I like to make bets.What type of bets?The woman replied, Tomorrow when, I will come in, you will have a butterfly tattoo an your left buttock. I will bet all the money I am about to deposit.Deal, says the man.The next day the old woman walked in again with her lawyer. the man at the counter pulled down his pants to show the old woman his empty left buttock.I win! he said as the woman handed him his money.Behind her, the lawyer put his head in his hands. What's wrong with that guy? he asked.The old woman replied, He is just a sore loser. I bet him $10,000 that the man at the counter of this bank would moon us.", -- How many blonds do you need to change a lightbulb ?- Hundred. One holds the lightbulb and the other ninety nine rotates the house., -- What does a blond say to a two headed monster ?- Hello ! Hello !, -- How to make a blond busy ?- Put her in a circle room and tell her to find a corner., -#NAME?, -"there was a man who lived in a small town who did not talk much to his neighbors. the only thing they knew about him was the fact that he always had the precise time, because every day at 3:00 pm he took a walk, and came back at exactly 3:30 pm . this man was always so perfectly on time that everyone set their clocks to him, including the clock tower. one day one of the man's neighbors walked up to the old man and asked, how do you keep your clocks so precise? simple, replied the old man, i just set it to the old clock tower.who's clock was set off whose?", -What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?The position of the dirt bag., -Why is divorce so expensive?Because it's worth it., -What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?100 people who don't do dick., -"Two mates calles mik and mak went to the Australia vs England game. It was mik`s birthday, and mik gave mak a ride and mak took mik`s birthday present with him.He went to get it while mik wached the 4th over. Mak said to mik i`ve got some bad news for you buddy. Your car was actually a car bomb and blew up...but mik interupted by saying Well makky, mate I`ve got some bad news for you. what? mak asked. Ricky ponting`s out,he replied", -Yo mama's so fat that when she took her first step everyone thought there was an earthquake., -"Yo Mamma so ugly when she looked at a baby, the baby turned to stone.", -"My girl told me she was trying to lose weight, so I said, Do whatever makes you happy inside. Just keep in mind that your weight's just a number. There's no number in the world to measure how beautiful you are . . . unless you include negative numbers.", -Yo momma so old she met a T Rex in pre-school., -Have you heard about the sauna that serves food?Their specialty is steamed mussels., -god told moses to come forth but he tripped on a banana peel and came fifth, -"Class was starting, and the teacher was taking attendance. She noticed that two of her top students were missing.Right after that, Billy came in. She asks him, Why are you late? He replies, I was just on top of Blueberry Hill. The teacher tells him to sit.A few minutes later Timmy comes in. The teacher asks him, Why are you late? He replies, I was just on top of Blueberry Hill. She tells him to sit.A few minutes later a new girl walks into class. The teacher says, Oh you must be the new girl. What's your name?The girl replies, I'm Blueberry Hill.", -"One day Jenny's parents decided to go out to eat and see a movie. They tell her not to have anyone over. So her parents leave. About 15 minutes later she hears the doorbell ring. Oh my boyfriend is here. She opens the door to bring him upstairs to do some stuff. About an hour later the doorbell rings and she says, Shit my second boyfriend is here! So she stuffs her first boyfriend into a closet full of bones. She opens the door and brings her second boyfriend upstairs to do some stuff. About an hour later the doorbell rings again and she says, Shit my third boyfriend is here! So she stuffs her second boyfriend into a closet of feathers. She opens the door and brings her third boyfriend upstairs to do some stuff. About an hour later she hears the front door open and she says, Shit my parents are home! So she stuffs her third boyfriend into a closet full of used tampons. About five years later she remembers that her boyfriends were in the closet. She opens the first closet and finds bones and more bones. She opens the second closet and finds feathers and bones. She opens the third closet to find her boyfriend. She says to him, How did you survive after all these years? He replies, I just ate the jelly filled donuts.", -Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door., -Yo mamma is so fat she walked into the GAP and filled it., -How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Sixteen. One to screw it in and fifteen to form a support group., -What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?Santa only has three Ho's., -I saw on the news a little boy being carried up to the sky. I got scared cause I thought Michael Jackson was ordering take-out from Heaven., -"A couple was driving down the street and they hear a siren going off. They pull over to the side and wait for the cop to come over. The cop comes up and they see that it's Officer Alf.The man groans cause Alf is the rudest cop in town. Alf asks the man for his license and registration. The man gives it to him and Alf rudely rips it out of his hands and tells the man to wait. When he comes back he sneezes and his face turns red. The man says bless you and asks why his face is so red. Alf replies, I get this way when it's about to rain. Anyway, here is your ticket for speeding. He walks away gruffly.The man looks up to see nothing but a clear blue sky. He starts driving again; a few minutes later it starts to pour down. He arrives home grumbling.His wife turns to him and says, I guess rude Alf the red knows rain dear.", -"There was a king who was very greedy; he ruled a land called Drid. Every day he would take all the money and food the Drids had that day. This had gone on for years and the Drids were sick of it.One day a rabbi walked into the town and saw that all the people were unhappy. He went to a man and asked him what was wrong. The man replied, Our king takes all of our food and money and we hardly have anything. He lives wealthily while many of us starve.The rabbi pondered thus for a minute and said to the man, Gather up all your people. I have an idea. Later that night, all the people were gathered in the town square. The man said to them, You guys need to stand up for yourselves. Have any of you actually tried to talk with this king? The townspeople all murmured. Well, one of you should talk to him tomorrow and demand he stops. One man stood up and said he would do it.The next day the man and the rabbi went up to the king's castle which was up high on a hill. He said to the king, Please, oh great king, your people are starving and we have no money. Could you please spare us some of what we make? The king was infuriated; he kicked the man down the hill. The rabbi watched as the king did this. Later that night the rabbi had the same speech and said they need to bargain with the king. Another man volunteered.The next day the man and the rabbi walked up the hill to the king. The man said to the king, Oh great king, would you please let us have some of our money and food back? We will double our crop and still give you most but could you spare us some? The king was even more infuriated and kicked the man down the hill. The rabbi was astonished. He gathered the townspeople in the center and declared that he would go talk to the king.The next day the Rabbi walked up the hill by himself to the king. King! he roared. I have traveled far and wide and when I came to your town I saw that your people were unhappy. I have found out what you were doing to them. I am appalled! They are treated poorly and you must stop taking your people's food or they all will starve to death!The king pondered this for a moment and said to the rabbi, I have heard what you have to say and I will stop stealing from my townspeople. I have enough wealth already, I guess I could spare them.The rabbi had one more question for the king. Why do you kick your townpeople down the hill?The king laughed and replied, Silly rabbi; kicks are for Drids.", -"Hitler walks into a bar; he's depressed. He goes up to the counter and orders three shots. The bartender gives them to him and Hitler downs them. Hitler orders three more shots; the bartender gives them to him and Hitler downs them. Hitler orders three more shots. The bartender asks Hitler why he's so depressed.Hitler replies, Give me the shots and I'll tell you, so the bartender gives him the shots and he downs them. Then the bartender asks why he's so depressed. Hitler replies, I just killed six millions Jews and a clown.The bartender replies, Why a clown?Hitler says, See? Nobody cares about the Jews!", -"The Pope, the smartest man in the world, a father, and a son were in a plane that was going to crash. There were only three parachutes in the plane. The Pope says to them, I need a parachute because I am worshiped by many people of religion. So he takes a parachute and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, I am the smartest man in the world so I deserve a parachute. He takes a parachute and jumps.The father then looks at the son and says, I have lived a long life and I think you should take a parachute because you have so much to live for.The little boy looks at the dad and says, It's alright daddy. We can both go. The smartest man in the world took my backpack.", -How many Dominicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Dominican one to hold the bulb and Dominican two to turn Dominican one, -"What do you get if you cross a dinosaur, a tiger, a crocodile, a spider, and a elephant? I don't know but you better get out of it's way!", -"What happens to you if you can not read?Well, since you'll probably be staying in Kindergarten, less homework!", -Basketball hoops are like misdemeanor. The more I miss it da meanor I get., -"A boy and his mom were playing the new game of life were you could put your house were you wanted it. The boy put it on the left side. On his next turn he moved it onto the right side. The mom asked why he did that and he said, I wanted to live on the other side of life.", -Why did the 12 watt lightbulb drop out of school?It wasn't very bright., -"Register lots of accounts, with each account voting for it as least comedy. If its average comedy drops below 0.5, it will be automatically deleted.", -Breaking News! Daisy the Dalmation is entering the presidential election along with Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.Right now we are going to hear her campaign speech. Voting for your next president will be very difficult to chose so let me make it easier. You can vote for the white guy or the black guy. You vote for me you get both.!, -"Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, What's in the box kid?To which the little boy says, Kittens, they're brand new kittens.Al Gore laughs and says, What kind of kittens are they?Democrats, the child says.Oh that's cute, Al Gore says and he runs off.A couple of days later Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.Al Gore says to Bill, You gotta check this out, and they both jog over to the boy with the box.Al Gore says, Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are.The boy replies, They're Republicans.Whoa!, Al Gore says, I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?Well, the kid says, Their eyes are open now.", -What is it called when your pet snake doesn't feel right?-reptile dysfunction., -"There's a blind old lady who live with her 5 grand children. Every morning the kid's got up and prepared to go to school, just before they left they each gave her a kiss and walk out at the same time she touches' the kid's face and call out their name.After school they each gave her a kiss at the front door and head in, as each kid's kiss her, she just touch the kid's face and she would say, Hello Simon, Your getting chubby every day.She touches another face and she said, Hello Sarah, Your getting finer.She feels the other kid. Hello Tom.Hello Mark, You're looking fine.Hello Marry, You are beautiful.However mark, is so annoyed by her grandmother that he decided to put her into a test, if she know who's face and what she's touching, so he climb up the window, walk at the door to her grandma, pull down his pants and bend over letting his grandma touch his butt.As she was touching his butt, she asks, Oh Simon, What happen to your face??", -what's the difference between here and there?The letter T!, -A gay pornstar doesn't take as many balls to the face as my 4 year old son playing soccer., -One day I was standing in the park wondering how frisbees get bigger when they get closer. Then it hit me., -"Mary had a little lamb, fries and a coke.", -Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the butcher, -"A waiter on a ship said to a boarding lion sir, do you want anything of the chef's special? The lion said nah..I'll look at the passenger list,though!", -"The other day, I heard that a good friend of mine was outside during a thunderstorm and got struck by lightning.I was a bit shocked, but not as much as he was.", -"I don't know much about prison, but it sounds like a pain in the ass.", -"One night, I was just walking around, and something really strange happened. Every single black person that night took one look at me and decided to punch me square in the face. Repeatedly.It hurt.And I'm not just talking about one or two, I'm saying every single black person beat the crap out of me that night.I don't know why. I didn't do anything. I didn't say anything. I didn't even look at anybody funny.But after that, I did stop dressing up as a ghost for Halloween.", -"One night I was feeling lonely, so I went to my girlfriend's house. She wasn't expecting me, but I was able to calm her down. She was a bit hesitant, but I didn't think anything of it. I got her into the bed finally, and you know what happens next.In the morning, when I woke up she was still asleep. So I got up and left quietly. On the way back home I felt a little bad but I didn't know why. And then it hit me.I don't have a girlfriend.", -Yo momma so old she rode a limosarus to her wedding!, -Little Katie was at Sunday school one day. The teacher asked the class Who is someone in your life that worships God by always speaking His name? Little Katie raised her hand and said The fifth grade teacher at my school! Every time we pass by her room on the way to art I hear her say I swear to God I have the worst behaved class in the world!, -Mom! Deaf kids at school are making fun of me.What did they say?, -"Billy was walking in a shopping center with his mom, and suddenly she stopped to pick up a penny. When she reached out for it, he saw armpit hair. Frightened, he said, You're not my mom! I'm calling the police. The man pulled off his mask and said, Okay, you got me. But tell me one thing. How did you know I wasn't your mom?Because my mom's not Jewish.", -"I got a new dog last week. She's a black lab and border collie mix, and still a puppy. I take her with me everywhere I go. But when I took her to the vet to get her shots, they told me I had to put her down. I've only had this dog for a week. Seven days. I wanted to keep holding her.", -Why was the diver angry at the diving board? Because it flipped him off., -The word 'function' should never function as a verb., -"'It is Christmas time and a man and a woman go out for a meal. After the first two courses, everything is well until the dessert. The man messes up and says something inappropriate to the woman while having their Christmas pudding. The woman walks away in anger. Then the man says, Please don't desert me; this is our first date.'", -Mik and mak are having a pillow fight. Mak whacks mik hard. Mik yells are you jamaican because ja maican me crazy!, -"yo momma is so fat, she put on a disney shirt and mickey mouse got diabetes.yo momma is so ugly, she makes blind people cry.yo momma is so fat, she has to hire people to look at her toes.yo momma is so fat, when God said let there be light, he had to ask her to move out of the way.yo momma is so stupid, she failed a blood test.", -I bet you I could stop gambling., -"Have you heard the one about the home security guard who got fired for saving his boss's life?One day the guard dreamed the his boss was going to be in a plane crash on a business trip to Zimbabwe. Upon learning that his boss was soon going to be flying to Zimbabwe he told his boss about the dream he had, and convinced his boss to cancel it.The next day on the news they learned that the plane did indeed crash. The boss gave him a reward, and then fired him on the spot, saying that a good guard shouldn't be sleeping on the job!", -"A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen over and over again.Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood.He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen...", -"A mother and her child were at a wedding.A little boy looks at his mom and says, Mommy, why does the girl wear white?His mom replies, The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life.The boy thinks about this, and then says, Well then, why is the boy wearing black?", -"A young boy, about eight years old, was at the store picking out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.Oh, no laundry, the boy said. I'm going to wash my dog.But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.But the boy was not stopped by this and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.About a week later the boy was back in the store doing some shopping. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.Oh, he died, the boy said.The grocer said, I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.Well, the boy replied, I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.Oh I'm sorry. How did he die?I think it was the spin cycle.", -"A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes, he thought to himself, and opened her up further.The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.What on earth am I doing? he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!Last week my wife ran off with a cop, the man said, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!Have a nice night, said the officer.", -"A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.ONE CENT! exclaimed the guy, the barman replied Yes.So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?Certainly sir,replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.How much money? inquires the guy. Four cents, he replies.FOUR cents! exclaims the guy. Where's the Guy who owns this place?The barman replies, Upstairs with my wife.The guy says, What's he doing with your wife?The bartender replies, Same as what I'm doing to his business.", -"Mik walked home from work and saw 4 people dressed in grim reaper suits. He ran home. The next time,the next time and 6 more walks for home, he decided to confront them. He yelled who ARE you????!!! They chased him into a wall. s-s- Show yourself he squeaked. They took their masks off and yelled Hi, we're the wiggles!", -Why wasn't Jesus born in Japan?He couldn't find three wise men or a virgin there., -Why did the computer get sick?He left his windows open, -"My Dad is great at raising kids, if he can remember which are his.", -"All women are emotional drag queens, and i married their queen", -"Yo mommas so fat that when she got on the electric scales, it read one at a time please.", -What do you call a blind German?A not see!, -"Long ago I gave my kid an iPod.Last year he talked me into buying him an iPhone.This year he said he needed an iPad.I asked what the i- means and he said that's the way Apple name their products.Now he's asking for an i7 laptop. My goodness, Apple have made so many things they've now run out of names!", -Two guys are eating a hamburger at a fast food place.1st Guy- Does your hamburger taste funny?2nd Guy- No just yours. Mine doesn't have a sense of humor., -One woman to another womanWoman- Those firemen are hot.Other Woman- Yeah they are nice looking.Woman- No. I mean they just came out of that burning building. They're hot., -What did the dog say to the driver who was driving behind him?Get off my tail!, -"Man says to his girlfriendYou're the only woman on this planet I won't. Oh by the way, I'm taken a trip to Mars next week.", -"A man was smoking in a no smoking restaurant. Mik went up to him and said sir, you'll have to leave'. The smoker said to mik what if I dont wanna, yeah?, what'll ya do then? Mak walked up to the smoking man's face and said 'leave. this is a no smoking restaurant. no BUTTS about it. The man said fine and walked out and jumped on his bike. Mik said to mak man, has that bike been through a RECYCLING machine? Word spread, and no smokers smoked in that restaurant ever again.", -What is a 4 letter sport that starts with a T?Golf., -Do you know what the secret of an islamic marriage is?The man get's to see a striptease every night!, -Hey! Football team! Get off the band field!, -Band Class is the only class where you can blow it., -"The blond asked for peanuts on the plane, but she once she got them, she gave them back to the stewardess and asks her to check if there really are peanuts in the bag. The stewardess asks why, to which the blond responds:The bag says 'May Contain Nuts'", -Joke, -What did the bartender say to the jumper cables? You better not try to start anything., -Don't you hate jokes about German sausage? They're the wurst!, -Two artists had an art contest... It ended in a draw, -Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide., -What gun do you use to hunt a moose? A moosecut!, -"If life gives you melons, you might have dyslexia.", -Broken pencils... ...are pointless., -What did one snowman say to the other snowman? 'Do you smell carrots?', -How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it., -Where do sick boats go? The dock!, -I like my slaves like I like my coffee: Free., -"My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer... I said, No, wait! I can change!", -Old Chinese proverb: Man who not shower in 7 days makes one reek., -What did the owner of a brownie factory say when his factory caught fire? I'm getting the fudge outta here!, -What form of radiation bakes you cookies? A gramma ray, -"Bee jokes, courtesy of my niece . What did the bee use to dry off after swimming? A beech towel. What did the bee use to get out the tangles? A honeycomb.", -What's the loudest economic system? CAPITALISM, -"I went for a job interview today... The interviewer said to me, What would you say your greatest weakness is? I said, I think Id have to say my listening skills are my greatest strength.", -Who was the knight that invented the round table? Sir Cumference. , -What did the German air force eat for breakfast during WW2? Luftwaffles, -"I the shell off a snail yesterday... you'd think it would move faster, but it was really kinda sluggish.", -What did the number zero say to the number eight? Nice belt., -What's worse than a centipede with sore feet? A giraffe with a sore throat, -What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick., -Why did the Chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide, -Did you hear about the French chef who committed suicide? He lost the huile d'olive, -"Wanna hear a joke about unemployed people? Nevermind, they don't work.", -"Knock Knock Who's there Boo!! Boo who? Don't cry, it's only a joke", -How much did the skeleton charge for his excellent legal services? An arm and a leg., -Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Cos they got big fingers., -What is the difference between a Siberian husky and an Alaskan husky? About 1500 miles., -What do vegan zombies eat? GRAAAIIINSSS!, -What's the difference between a Thai man and a Thai woman? Pls help., -What do you call a car that eats other cars? A carnivore., -Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants In case he gets a hole in one, -An Olympic gymnast walked into a bar... She didnt get a medal..., -What does a mexican magician make for breakfast? Toast-tah-dahs!, -Why don't Bond villains feel cold in the winter? Because they dress in lairs., -What did the figurine say when the boot flew past her protective dome? That was a cloche call!, -What was Carl Sagan's favorite drink? Cosmos., -What is the medical term for owning too many dogs? , -Knock knock... Who's there? I did up. I did up-who?, -I like my jokes they way I like my robots. Killer., -What type of school did Sherlock Holmes go to? Elementary, -My friend told an out of place joke about police searches. But I don't think it was warranted., -"The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza store... and says, Can you make me one with everything?", -Why did the vampire use mouthwash? Because he had bat breath, -"What did the corn say when it was complemented? Aww, shucks!", -"What did the green grape say to the purple grape? - Breathe, stupid!", -Why did the Fall break off from all the other seasons? Because it wanted autumnomy, -If I ever fire someone who is a Taylor Swift fan I'll say I knew you were trouble when you clocked in., -What do you do if a cow is in the middle of the road you're driving on? steer clear, -"What do you call a blind, legless buck? No eye-deer. EDIT: I totally messed this joke up. Please give me another chance with another joke?", -"What do you get for the women who has everything? A divorce, then she'll only have half of everything.", -There was a depressed sausage... he thought his life was THE WURST., -What's a dog's favorite mode of transportation? A waggin', -Why did the sand dune blush? Because the sea weed, -What happened to the tyrannical peach? He got impeached!, -Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees. You ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Then it's working., -what did the mexican firecheif name his kids... Hose A and Hose B, -"What did the German physicist use to drink his beer? Ein stein. - From Big Nate, as told by my kid.", -What did earth say to the other planets? You guys have no life!, -One time we ran out of soap- -so we had to use hand sanitizer!!!, -Wanna hear a dirty joke? Two white stallions fell in the mud., -What did one frog say to the other frog? Time's fun when you're having flies., -Why did the boy take a pencil and paper to bed? He was told to draw the curtains before going to sleep., -Clean joke about sorority girls Why do sorority girls only travel in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even!, -"What did the 8 say to the 0? Hey, fatty", -"KNOCK KNOCK! WHO'S THERE! sombrero ^sombrero who,,,? SOMBRERO-VER THE RAINBOW", -I'm reading a book about anti-gravity... ... It's impossible to put down, -What name is given to the most chickens ? pEGGy, -Why is Dr. Frankenstein never lonely? He's good at making friends., -What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop., -What was the car doing in the dressing room? Changing attire., -What do you call a pile of dogs? A ruff terrain., -How do you prepare for a party in space? You Planet Thanks u/BostonCentrist, -"What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow? A stern rebuke from the Ethics Committee, and an immediate cessation of funding.", -Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired, -"Two bookworms were having a dispute... ...across an open book until one bookworm moves closer to the other and says, well then, I'm glad we're on the same page.", -Which kitchen appliance tells the best jokes? The beater - he cracks everybody up!, -Why did the jellyroll? He saw the apple turnover., -Why did the chicken? Q: Why did the chicken cross the road naked? A: Because chickens don't wear clothes., -What do you call Protestants who want to save a dime? Econoclasts., -What do dwarves use to cut their pizza? Little Caesars, -What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam., -"What's that coffee drink with icecream? I used to know it, but... Affogato.", -Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies!, -makeup beauty Omg oh my girl so cute next morning without makeup Omg ohh My God omg/omg life without wife, -Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like... bananas!, -What did Vincent van Gogh call himself when he joined the Justice League? The Starry Knight, -Why did the boy take a ladder to school? He wanted to go to high school., -What's the best thing to put into a pie Your teeth., -What kind of house does a stoned loaf of bread live in? A high rise, -What do you get when you cross a firecracker and a duck? A firequacker., -What's a baker's biggest fear? Something going a-rye while they're raisin' bread., -What's the best way to get a hold of Vin Diesel? IM Groot. : D Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?vLvlj1u9S258, -Why did everyone trust the marsupial? Everything he said was troo, -This dermatologist waits a month to diagnose a skin disorder... She's reluctant to make a rash decision., -Why are manhole covers round? Because manholes are round., -What did one casket say to the other? Is that you coffin?, -How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend? Meat patty! Thought of you guys!, -How does a mathematician get Tan? Sin/Cos, -What is a martian's favourite chocolate? A mars bar, -Where did Sally go after the explosion? Everywhere., -What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day? Deja Moo!, -"Congratulation on the new baby, from your family... except from me because I don't really care.", -What is agitated buy joyful? A washing machine, -What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino-snore., -Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested... ...charged with battery., -It's an emergency! I need underwear jokes. My baby sister needs underwear jokes for some mysterious reason. I need your guys help!, -What did the butcher say when he handed his customer an empty pack of hotdogs on halloween? Happy halloweenie, -"Can February March? No, but April May.", -What's the internal temperature of a Taun-Taun? Lukewarm, -What's it called when a planet orbits its sun 8 times? An orbyte, -Why are there only two hundred and thirty nine beans in a bowl of bean soup? Because just one more and it would be two-farty, -What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business., -Why don't blind people like to go skydiving? It scares their seeing-eye dog., -what does clark kent have for breakfast? alter-eggos, -I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Lays., -Who is William Shatner's mythical nemesis? The Lepre-khaaaaannnnn!!!!!, -Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ba-dum tss, -Why does Mario hate Punchbug? Because he bruises like-a Peach!, -Where do pots go on vacation? JaPAN! From my 9 year old., -When German children play a game involving touching each other with bread... it's called gluten tag. I'll show myself out., -"My laptop is so dumb. Every time it says Your password is incorrect, I type in: incorrect and the silly thing still tells me the same thing.", -Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field. From: http://www.dadlaughs.com, -A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today... ...while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts., -why didn't the bicycle cross the road? because it was two-tired., -Every morning I run around the block 5 times... ...Then I slide the block back under the bed and go back to sleep, -Says she: Say something soft and sweet Says he: Marshmallow., -"Why do cicadas stay up all night chirping irregularly, unable to sleep? Their cicadan rhythm is off", -What do you call a monk that operates a door unlocking service? A monkey. , -What do you call people who pretend to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day? Counterfitz, -What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt., -I love when I have dramatic realizations over my morning cereal... ... I call 'em breakfast epiphanies, -Definitions Bigamist - An Italian fog. Myfunsalow - I am broke in Italian. Innuendo - Italian for suppository., -Have you heard what I think of windmills? Big Fan., -Max wondered why the ball was slowly growing larger... and then it hit him., -I saw a documentary on how they make jeans... It was riveting., -What goes Hahahahaha...thud? Someone laughing their head off, -Did you hear about the homemade poison ivy remedy? You can make it from scratch., -What did the apple say to the pear? away!, -When do elephants have eight feet? When there are two of them., -"I bought a duckdoo yesterday! 'What's a duckdoo?' quack, quack", -What do you call Batman skipping church? Christian Bail., -"A man started to throw words beginning with 'th' at me I dodge this, then and there but I didn't see that coming - Tim Vine", -Why did the mobster buy a planner? So he could organize his crime, -James Bond went to get a haircut. The barber asked him if he wanted to dye his hair as well. Bond replied Dye another day., -I named my cat Curiosity. He killed himself ... Nine times., -Why do they make Raisin Bran commercials? For raisin bran awareness., -What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless!, -Where does the thumb meet its type? At the SPACE BAR! reddit is fun! I'm staring at the keyboard tryin' to think up a joke and voila'!, -What's Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-naaaaa, -I'm getting mighty fed up with these sheep-human hybrids! What is with ewe people!?, -What the plate say to the other plate? Dinners on me, -My finger became really swollen after I jammed it Friday. And thats how I found out Im allergic to jam., -"Sports: So how's the shoestring game goin'? Right now, it's ALL TIED-UP! Oh my-oh-my! I couldn't find a cornylamejokes subreddit, so... Skip", -I wanted to put a pizza joke here ...but it was too saucy., -What do you call a cow that just gave birth? Decaffeinated, -Why did the bee go to the doctor? Because he had hives., -How many ears does Captain Picard have? A right ear. A left ear. And a final front ear., -What type of doctor prescribes Coke and 7-up for a living? A Poptometrist!, -What's grey? A melted penguin!, -Why was the healthy potato not allowed on the plane? He was on the No Fry list., -I saw an all frog production of Frozen yesterday... It was toad-aly cool!, -"Just found this sub the other day and I've come to this realization... Currently, this subreddit seems to be in quite the pickle.", -"If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.", -A farmer in who rolled over a cart of horse manure... Is reported in stable condition., -What does a can of tuna say? Premium flaked tuna Best before dd/mm/yy, -How many magazines did the racquetball footwear company make before going out of business? Tennis shoes , -Why was the actor detained by airport security? He said he was in town to shoot a pilot., -What did the llama say when asked to a picnic? Alpaca lunch!, -What do kids eat for breakfast? Yogoat!, -Did you hear about the casting for the new Batman movie? People have really Ben Affleckted by it., -"What electronic device leaves behind a lot of broken glass? A PC, seeing how they typically run on Windows!", -Why did the orange move to veggieland? So he could live in peas and hominy., -A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase. I don't think hes alright now., -What do you call beef that's been burned? A mis-steak., -How do cows get their gossip? They herd it through the bovine., - My sink was a bit dirty- -but all it needed was a little ...wiping!!!, -Why doesn't the Sun go to college? Because he has a million of degrees., -What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud., -JKLMNOPQRST That's all that stands between U and I, -Original physics joke. I'm very proud. I was organizing my desk the other day and the Entropy Police gave me a ticket for disturbing the chaos., -"There were two snowmen standing in a field, one says to the other... Can you smell Carrots?", -What kind of jackets do Audiophiles wear? FLAC jackets, -"Shall I tell you the joke about the body snatchers? Best not, you might get carried away.", -Gravity makes a terrible friend. It's always holding you down., -What do Catholics and guitar players have in common? Neither of them practice., -Do you know why the bike couldnt stand by itself? It was TWO TIRED!!!, -Just heard this on a PBS kids show... What did one wolf say to the other wolf? Howls it going?, -"A man enters a store and asks for a color printer, the cashier asks What color?", -An oldie but goldie! How do you stop a charging bull? Take away its credit card! wa-waa-waaaa! Skip, -"Two antennas met on a roof . . . Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married, the ceremony was awful but the reception was brilliant.", -Is it just me... ...or are circles pointless?, -Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work., -What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre, -"What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird.", -"I've won the war! My pants fit! Congratulations, have you lost weight? _Even better... I've bought new pants!!!_", -Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Buh dum tss!, -What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing, -"Whatever you do, always give 100%... Unless of course, you're donating blood.", -"What did papa butter say to troublesome son butter? You had butter behave now, alright son? I sure know you don't want to get whipped!", -Why does the dog go to the gym? He wants to get ruff, -What kind of beer does a cow brew? Heifer-weizen., -How do you make a squid laugh? Ten tickles., -What cars do wolves drive? Auuuuuuuuuuuuudis!, -What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A Milk Dud., -What did the American call Karl Marx when a shrine was dedicated to him in Japan? A Kami., -Why are locomotive drivers so good at driving locomotives? Because they were trained., -What do you call a number that cant keep still? A roamin numeral., -Why did the redditor go to /r/zelda? To boost his link karma! , -What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? Curses! Foil again!, -How can you tell that a straight pin is confused? Just look at it. It's headed in one direction and pointed in the other., -What is an astronaut's favorite meal? Launch, -What do you do to dead chemists? You barium., -Why did the tomato turned red? Because it saw the salad dressing, -Why are contortionists always angry? Their work usually has them pretty bent out of shape., -I never buy Velcro It's such a rip off., -How do you unlock a monastery door? With a monk key., -What is the ardent task of searching for a new wallpaper called? Running a Backgroud Check., -When does one play a corny game? You play it by ear., -"The Great Yarn Race Joe: Did you hear about the great yarn race? Jane: No. Who won? Joe: Well, they had to weave their selves through the obstacles and in the end, it was a tie.", -a red ship and a blue ship crashed on an island together the survivors were marooned., -"Three tomatoes are walking down the street... A papa tomato, a mama tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato starts falling behind so the papa tomato squishes him and says, Ketchup!", -What happens at night in Bangladesh? It gets Dhaka, -Why didn't the baby oyster share her little pearl? She was a little shellfish., -Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for a lousy summer., -What kind of boats do smart people ride on? Scholar ships!, -How do you turn soup into gold? You add 24 carats!, -A photon checks into a hotel... The bellhop asks him if he has any luggage and the photon replies No. I'm travelling light., -"I farted on an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels. From /r/PeterL", -What language do they speak in Holland? Hollandaise., -"Last night, I had a dream that I was walking on a white sandy beach... At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning...", -Why should you always bring 2 pair of trousers when golfing? In case you get a hole in one., -Today I'm 45. But with the wind chill I feel like 32., -"/r/pickle welcomes it's newest ally. It's always good to have clean jokes. I due urge the mods to add us to your sidebar, due to the fact that you are on ours.", -Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale, -Balloon's What's a balloon's favorite genre of music? Pop., -Why was the dolphin happy and the shark depressed? The sharks life lacked porpoise., -What Johnny Mercer song does December 21st remind you of? Autumn Leaves., -What's a comedian's favorite candy? Laffy Taffy., -There's a guy at the office today wearing full camo. At least I think so... I haven't seen him in a while., -Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? It lifts their spirits., -How do you call for a bath? With a Teletubbie., -Who was the chicken's favorite musician? BAAAACH BACH BACH BACH, -"X-post from r/jokes: Mommy! I found a $10 bill today, but I threw it away, cus it was fake. Oh, how did you know it was fake? It had two zeroes instead of one.", -How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced? A buccaneer!, -What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultrygeist!, -What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts., -What did fish say when she hit the wall ? Dam !!!, -Why are colds such bad robbers? Because they're so easy to catch!, -A man walks into an apple store and...... farts every one is really angry and there all shouting so he says it's not my fault you don't have windows, -"Why are pirates so mean? I dont know, they just arrrrrrrrr!", -"As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, Dogs sure are easily amused!... ...then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.", -What happened to the ghost who couldn't scare? He had to join a support group since he couldn't handle his boos., -Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work., -What do vegetarian zombies eat? Graaaaaaiiiins......, -Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny., -What was Marie Curie's fitness program on the airwaves called? Radio-Activity, -I went to the dermatologist about something on my neck- -and they said I just needed to scrub it!!!, -Why was the math book sad? It had a lot of problems, -What is the swamp-dwellers favorite form of extraterrestrial life? the Martians, -Why do good farmers only excel when they are actually farming? Because they are out standing in their field., -The cheesiest joke ever. I don't feel grate. -- Block of Cheese before it got shredded., -Every single morning I get hit by the same bike... It's a vicious cycle., -What do get when you cross 50 female pigs with 50 male deer? One hundred sows and bucks?, -You know youre getting old when Santa starts looking younger., -I hate when you're trying to be cheesy but everyone is laughtose intolerant., -What is irony? Irony is when something has the chemical symbol Fe., -What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!, -was going to make a joke about science but I know for I wont get a reaction..., -"The other day, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow... I called her up and asked, ''Did you get my drift?''", -What do you call... What do you call an Italian romance novel model who's let himself go? Flabio., -How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles., -How did the geologist develop a career as an expert in sinkholes? He fell into it., -A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods The bear asks the rabbit - do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur? Nope So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit., -Overheated some milk in a lab experiment today... ...and asked the teacher if it would affect the result. Her response? To a degree., -What's brown and sticky? A stick, -I was gonna make a joke on Reddit.. .. but I guess you've already Reddit somewhere., -"Did you hear about the Antennas that got married? The wedding was lame, but the reception was great!", -What is the most religious unit in electrical engineering? Ohm., -"I was walking in the desert and saw a redwood tree. I knew this must be a mirage, so I ran into it. To my dismay, the tree and I collided. I guess it must have been an obstacle illusion.", -"A Bagpiper, a Kangeroo, an Irish poet, and Mother Theresa walk into a bar . . . . . . . the barman, who was drying a glass, lifted his head and asked, Is this some kind of joke?", -How many catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? CHANGE?!, -Why don't you want a turkey at your thanksgiving dinner? Because it'll gobble up everything., -What fruit do Romeo and Juliet eat? Cantelope, -Why was 9 afraid of 20? 28 29's, -What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?, -What do you call a race run by baristas? A decafalon, -What do you call a stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want to - it can't here you!, -What bird can write underwater? A ball-point Penguin!, -What did the horse order at the bar? Chardaneiiiiiiggghhhhh, -What was Beethoven's favorite fruit? BA-NA-NA-NA!, -Why did the tissue get up and dance? It had a little boogy in it., -Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water., -What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships., -What did Virginia get when she walked into the pet shop? A New Hampshire, -"The other day, I was looking through my socks, when I found one had a hole in it... darn it... I muttered.", -What do you call the James Brown songs no one listens to? Defunct funk., -Did you see the guy at Walmart hiding from ugly people?, -You know what I hate about fashion designers? They are so clothes-minded., -What do you call a spider with no legs? A raisin, -A man walks into a bar... He says Ow, -Which is the most silky planet? Satin!, -"What does a train full of grain's whistle sound like? COUS, COUS!!!", -What do you say to someone who is making a cardboard belt? That's a waist of paper!, -Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? He had no body to go with, -What do you call a race ran by female horses? A mare-a-thon., -"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims", -What do you call a Moroccan candy distributor? Fez dispenser., -Did you hear about the production delays at that company that makes scales using lengthy pipes? They had really long weights., -"We don't allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here, says the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.", -Almonds on the tree; Amonds off the tree cause to get them off the tree you hafta shake the L out of them!, -Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problem out with a pencil., -How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho-path., -What did the mama pig give her baby pig for its rash? OINKMENT! gt; , -What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesarus , -Why do bears hate shoes so much? They like to run around in their bear feet., -What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef., -How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheburg., -What do you call a bug that can't talk? A hoarse fly., -"Always put sunglasses on your tree. Then, you'll get the proper shade.", -Today I brought a computer back from the dead. I've decided that this makes me a techromancer., -What is tuba plus tuba? Fourba!, -"Two dogs are going on a walk down the street They walk past a few parking meters and one dog says to the other, Hey, check it out! Pay toilets!", -Why couldn't Elsa hold on to a balloon? She would always let it go., -How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space? It's a little meteor., -What did the amazed Kazakhstani say? That's Astana-shing, -Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares their dogs too much!, -When is a door not a door? When it's a jar, -What's Medusa's favorite kind of cheese? Gorgonzola., -"Why Does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? For drizzle, my nizzle. :D", -My dental hygienist retired after working 55 years... All she got was a lousy plaque..., -I've just made a meeting site for retired chemists It's called Carbon Dating, -What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line., -Two wrongs don't make a right... but three lefts make a right. And two Wrights make a plane 6 lefts make a plane., -Why did the library book go to the doctor? It needed to be checked out; it had a bloated appendix., -A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day... He discovered he was a tad Polish., -Two artists had an art contest... It ended in a draw, -"What did the fish say before he hit the wall? Oh, Dam.", -"What's the smartest dinosaur? Thesaurus Rex! omg, I crack myself up! Skip", -I like camping but... it's so in tents, -"If the house is in the kitchen, and Diana's in the kitchen, what's in Diana? A state ", -"A sentence and a phrase is arguing, what did the sentence say? I know where you're coming from this phrase, but I can't see your point.", -What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung., -What's a balloon's favorite genre of music? Pop., -Did you hear about what happened with the elk? It was really amoosing., -"I got hit hard in the head with a can of 7up today... I'm alright though, it was a soft drink.", -"What's so great about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.", -Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory? She was fed up with the hole business., -"What colour T-shirt would win a race? Red, because it runs the most.", -Why was the Egyptian kid confused? Because his daddy was a mummy, -After watching a strongman competition... it amazed me to see how much the human body can lift without pooing itself., -What did the O say to the 8? Nice belt., -Why was the burrito embarrassed? It saw the salad dressing., -How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles, -What do you call a bunch of Asian bears roaring? Panda-monium., -What does a rock do all day? Nothing. , -The joke of 2016 Trump, -How does Han Solo like to get around Endor? Ewoks, -I don't have the faintest idea why I passed out Just a short pun, -What do you call a vegetarian? A hopeless romaine-tic, -"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Unlike the passengers in his car who were screaming and yelling! http://www.thedailyenglishshow.com/friday-joke/98-how-to-die/", -What do you call a chicken crossed with a cow? Cock-a-doodle-moo!, -Kind of a kid joke What kind of cereal do zombies like? Kellog's All Brain, -What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?, -What do you call a blind deer? No-eye deer. What do you call a blind deer with no legs? Still no-eye deer., -Why are proteins so cranky? Because they're made of a mean ol' acids., -What do you call a pachyderm that doesn't matter? Irrelephant., -What are caterpillars afraid of? DOGerpillars!, -Why should you never invite a boxer to a party? He always throws the punch., -How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced? A buccaneer., -I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around., -Why didn't the bicycle cross the road? ...he was two-tired..., -"Why did the Russians use peanuts for torture in the Cold War? Because in Soviet Russia, Nut Cracks You!", -How do trees get online? They just log in..., -Apparently vegetables can hear when they're being eaten. So I always drown mine in salad dressing first. Because it's the Romaine thing to do., -"Why were Wrigley, Doublemint, and Orbit watching CNN? To find out the latest on gum control legislation.", -I wanna make a joke about sodium. But Na., -Why couldn't the melons be together? Everyone knows melons cantaloupe., -Why couldn't the alligator satisfy his lover? He had a reptile dysfunction., -What's a blind person's favorite fast food joint? Taco Braille, -The preacher today used Star Wars as a sermon illustration. I felt it was a little forced., -"What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just gave a little wine", -Why are giraffes' necks so long? Because their heads are so far away from their bodies., -what's orange and sounds like a parrot? a carrot., -Why was the panda crying? He had a bambooboo. Aonther one from my 9 year old., -Why does Thor have insomnia? He's up all night to get Loki., -Did you hear the one about the three eggs? Too Bad., -/r/askreddit thread What's the best clean joke you know with thousands of replies http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/zrotp/whats_the_best_clean_joke_you_know/, -"Chemistry Student I'm a science teacher and once I asked one of my lazy students if he knew the chemical symbol for sodium. He replied, 'Na, I don't'. Lucky sod, he's only ever right periodically.", -What do you call a smart pig? Swinestein., -"So, I have this new knock knock joke You start... ", -"Captain Ahab's crew were highly efficient sailors In fact, they were running like a whale oiled machine.", -"What kind of fish would be good to tune a piano? Oh, you guessed it right ... the tuna fish!", -Bulls from all over India sent a petition to SC asking it to classify them as 'Jallikatu Bulls'., -"Did you hear about NASA finding bones on the moon? Yeah,the cow didn't make it.", -Some people have trouble sleeping... ...but I can do it with my eyes closed..., -I think I want a job cleaning mirrors... ...it's just something I can see myself doing., -What did the eye say to the other eye? Something smells between us., -"Did you hear about the kidnapping in Delaware? Don't worry, he eventually woke up.", -What animal is best at hitting a baseball? A bat!, -Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because the octopus was well armed., -I'll always remember what my uncle said before he passed on up... Flying houses? Talking dogs? That movie looks dumb., -Whats Red and Smells Like Blue Paint? Red Paint, -Why did Little Miss Muffet have GPS on her Tuffet? To keep her from losing her whey., -What do you call an obese psychic that works at a bank? A four chin teller, -A man walked into a doctor's office . . . He said to the doctor: I've hurt my arm in several places. The doctor said: Well don't go there any more., -Why did the chicken lay an egg? To get food for her babies!, -Why do Gastroenterologists have such a passion for their job? Because they find the components of one's stomach very intestine., -Science joke The bartender says we don't serve your kind here He orders a drink A Tachyon walks into a bar Who wants to hear a Tachyon joke?, -How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears? A buccaneer!, -There's a TV channel where you can buy all the Pope's speeches It's called Papal View., -So today is Earth day on what grounds are we celebrating?, -"What did one slice of bread say to the other at the end of a game of chess? It's stale, mate.", -I heard it's a good night to see the Perseid meteor shower . . . . . . but I haven't heard how it got dirty., -Why shouldn't you have coffee while on the clock? Because that would be grounds for termination!, -"What is green, has four legs and if it fell out of a tree and landed on you it would kill you? A pool table!", -What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe., -What do you call a truthful piece of paper? Fax., -What type of melon would Romeo and Juliet have been? Cantaloupe., -What kind of turns do letters take? U-turns! From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo., -What did one computer CPU say to the other after getting hit? Ow! That megahertz!, -Knock knock. Who's there? A cow. A cow who? Not a cow who! A cow moos. An owl says who., -"Did you take a shower today? Why, is one missing?", -What did the Hungarian say to the annoying kid? You're nothing budapest!, -I was thinking of ways to become transgender... So I figured I'd fly to Paris. Because then I'd be abroad., -How does the Mummy plan to destroy Superman? He's gonna lure him in to the crypt tonight., -What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak., -What concert tickets should cost $0.45? 50 cent feat. Nickelback :P, -"A woman files for divorce from her husband... citing that he makes too many Star Wars puns. When asked if this is true the husband says, Divorce is strong with this one.", -Why can't you run in a camp ground? You can only 'ran'; it's past tents., -What kind of soda do dogs drink? Barq's Root Beer., -"I saw a middle aged man staring at a picture of his very first steps. With tears in his eyes, he told me he regrets ever replacing the steps with an elevator.", - Why couldn't the dragon breathe fire? He had a cold, -What do fish smoke? Seaweed!, -Why is it a bad idea to get in a relationship with a statue? Because it's not going anywhere., -Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow weigh a pie. , -I forgot where I threw my boomerang. Oh wait.. It's coming back to me now., -What did the Estonian student say in language class? I'll never Finnish. dodges tomato, -What do you call the delivery boy at an Indian restaurant? Curry-er., -I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme., -Why were the breakfast potatoes running around hitting each other? HashTag!, -What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? For one you get tweetment and the other you get oinkment..., -Where do dogs go when they lose their tails? To a retail store., -I have the opposite of a photographic memory i have a potatographic memory., -Why did the vegetable band break up? They couldn't keep a beet., -Why did the Spy cross the road? 'Cause he wasn't really on your side., -What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot, -I invented a time machine... ...next week., -Who was the only novelist with both direction and magnitude? Vector Hugo., -My plumber finally quit on me... He couldn't take any more of my crap. Sorry that this isn't a CLEAN joke. Heh, -"I went to the store and asked for a one handed sailor... he said sorry, I'm a wholesaler.", -what do you call an effeminate dwarf? A metro-gnome...., -I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high she looked surprised., -What do you call a Jihadist that loves turkey? A Tryptophanatic., -What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? Curses! Foil again!, -Why there should be a February 30th So dentists can have a day to celebrate, -What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowtain., -What do you call an arcade in eastern europe? czech-e-cheese, -My relationship is like Monopoly. She gives me too many Chances., -How do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea., -Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired., -What happened when the man couldn't afford the mortgage on his haunted house? ...it was repossessed!, -"How many dancers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5,6,7,8", -What was wrong with the wooden car? It wooden go., -What do caves have? Echosystems. From my 9 year-old., -One fifth of people... ...are just too tense!, -What do you call a fish with no eye? fsh, -Where do rabbits like to eat breakfast? IHOP!, -What did the wall ask the picture? How's it hangin'? Skip, -Me have great grammar... Me learnt everything I know from Sesame Street!, -"If I don't eat all of my food, it goes to waste. If I do eat all of my food, it goes to waist.", -"What did the green light say to the red light? I love you, but I'm sick of yellow light always breaking us up.", -What do you call the Hamburglar's accomplice? hamburglar helpler, -Did you hear about the fight in the candy store? Two suckers got licked, -Did I tell you I'm joining a gym in Gainesborough? Because I'm all about those gains bro, -I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed... ...but none of them work., -What is the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield? Its butt., -Which fairground ride is made of iron? The ferrous wheel, -What do you call a bulimic tree? Sycamore., -Why was the lobster upset? Because he found out his friends thought he was a little crabby!, -"Did you hear about the ointment... Did you hear about the ointment that couldn't stop talking about politics? When confronted, he said he was just trying to be topical.", -What's the first rule of bug ownership? Watch your step!, -Three drums and a cymbal rolled down a hill ba dum dum ching, -What is invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny Farts., -What did the number zero say to the number eight? Nice Belt, -"When I grow old, I am sure I will look back at my life and say aaaah! my neck hurts", -The pollen count that's a difficult job! , -Why did the cowgirl name her pony ink? Because it kept running out of the pen!! My favorite joke when young., -"Did you know yesterday was National Middle Child Day? Don't worry, no one else remembered either.", -Have you heard about the 2 Spanish firemen? Jose and hose B, -There are two types of people in this world 1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data, -What did the flat iron say to the follicle? Now let me get this straight . . ., -6:30 is the best time on a clock... ...hands down., -"I love graphs! I used to be obsessed with them... I've calmed down now though, you've gotta draw the line somewhere", -What kind of car did the German cowboy purchase? Audi tips hat, -Garbage men have Hefty contracts., -Dolphins don't do anything by accident.. Always on porpoise., -What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh, -What goes oh oh oh? Santa walking backwards., -Why does a milking stool have only three legs? Because the cow has the udder!, -A skeleton walks into a bar orders a beer and a mop., -First original joke! Why did the rapper visit the urologist? Because his flows were so sick., -What's gray and all around? Everything. I'm a dog., -tips fedora at mosquito Mlaria, -"Need help While scratching my ear with key few hours ago, audio on my brand new TV went off. Does anyone know good TV Service. Sh... I think my Laptop sound died too.", -Who's the world's greatest underwater spy? Pond. James Pond., -Why was the belt locked up? Because it held a pair of pants., -How many apples grow on a tree? All of them., -Alrighty Kids always remember: you are what you eat So eat loads of sweets and pass on those vegetables, -How did the desk lamp store manager feel when thieves stole all his lightbulbs? He was delighted., -Did you hear about Scrooge's drinking problem? He had a dickens of a time with spirits., -"Cogito Ergo Spud. I think, therefore I yam.", -What's the best part about twenty two year old wheels of cheese? There are twenty of them., -"My brother said he's incontinent. Yeah, he said he's wet his pants in nearly every nation in the world.", -What do you call an elephant with a poor memory? A bold and innovative departure from the hackneyed stereotypes that all too often dominate the joke-telling industry., -What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody knows..., -How do you know ancient Egyptians loved books so much? Because they built their stuff with reads!, -Old game show bloopers...I miss this kind of humor today Found this video randomly http://www.youtube.com/watch?vxv3gK2bmkAkamp;featurerelated, -Where do weirdos ride their bicycles? Psycho-paths. , -Why do sailors give their wives a bouqet of ropes instead of flowers?? It's a bouqet of forget-me-knots., -"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.", -Where did the cat go when it lost it's tail? To the retail store!, -What do you call an Italian romance novel model who's let himself go? Flabio, -What do you call a lion in the circus. A Carny-vore, -"Actually, there are but two types of people Those who can extrapolate from limited data ...", -Why'd the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side., -"X-post from r/jokes: Hey! The dog you sold me yesterday just fell over and died today! Huh, strange. He's never done that before.", -What is the longest word in the English language? SMILES because there is a mile between the first and last letters!, -I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn't like it., -How does the farmer count up his cows? ...with a cowculator., -I would make a sparrow joke... But they don't fly very well., -Why did the golfer need to buy a new pair of socks? Because he got a hole in one!, -Why don't you want to hang out with a dude from Chicago? Because 'Illinois you!, -What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam, -What does Colonel Mustard's Mexican maid call him? Mis'ser Dijon., -Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake. Woohoo! I'm making these up!!, -What do you call a happy penguin? A pengrin!, -What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe you idiot! Breathe!, -Did you hear about the two monocles at the party? They made spectacles out of themselves., -What do you get when you drop a piano in a coal mine? A flat minor. Night... Don't forget to tip your waitress, -Wanna hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in the mud., -"A skeleton walks into a bar The bartender says, what will you have? Skeleton says, a beer... and a mop", -My daughter hit me with this one while preparing for dinner Why did the table love playing volleyball? Because it was always getting set! I think she gets it from her mother., -How did the aquarium win the battle? Giant Fish Tanks., -What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator, -What does a duck call a tractor? A quacktor, -What did daddy fish do when mommy fish got herself lost? ...He flounder, -There are three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't., -Why did the chicken kill itself? To get to the other side., -Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the restroom? Because the p is silent, -I thought about starting a business selling halos... ...but the cost of overheads was too high., -Where did the team get there uniforms? New Jersey, -Programmers tend to byte their food, -What do you call a group of security guards in front of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy., -I heard the best time travel joke tomorrow., -What do you call a woman on a cruise ship in Mexico using the diving board at the pool? A broad abroad on a board aboard., -What did the topic sentence say to the evidence? Why aren't you supporting me?, -What do you get when you mix Michael Jordan with Donald Trump? A Dunkin' Donut., -Two horses are standing in a field. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse Says the first. Moo! says the second, -What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowtin, -What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away., -Two peanuts were walking down the street.... And one of them was assaulted, -"If you walk into the bathroom an American and walk out an American, what are you in the bathroom? European.", -"An ion walked up to Lost and Found and reported that he had lost an electron. The clerk asked:are you sure? The ion replied :Yes, I am positive.VCN", -What do you say to your sister when she's crying? Are you having a crisis?, -What do you call a cross between a gorilla and a monkey? A cross., -What do you call it when Google Glass connects to the internet? Eye-fi., -"Why did the Kurd bury his music collection? His tribesman said ISIL is approaching, and they're coming for Yazidis.", -This mallard waddled into a bar... Should've ducked., -"We now have TWO Wawa's by the interstate. The one on the east side of I4 is not so bad. But the other one, whoa. It's the Wawa West over there.", -"What' the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef, but not everyone can pea soup. ", -the only one of its kind on this sub Want to hear a dirty joke? horse fell in the mud!, -What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale., -What do you call a social media platform designed for religious people who also have speech impediments? Faithbook, -I'm so sad because my friend is moving to Shanghai. More like Shang-bye., -What do you call a alligator in a vest? Investigator., -How to create a clean joke Step 1. Find a dirty joke Step 2. Clean it, -A skelleton goes to the bar and says Can I have a pint and a mop..., -"Did you hear about the fortune teller that... Had bad breath, calluses all over his body and couldn't win a fight? He was a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed with halitosis.", -Why was the scarecrow promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field!, -My friend gave me a balloon and told me not to pop it.. but I blew it!, -My old roommate's bathroom was so dirty- -I had to clean the soap before using it. , -Why did the paper follow the pencil? Because it LED THE WAY! I'm on a roll here! this is fun! Skip, -Why does a chicken coupe only have two doors? If it had four it'd be a chicken sedan!, -What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean Beef!, -Why was the school grey? Because it was a Greyed School. I woke up with this joke in my head this morning. I think my brain is trying to kill me with horrible puns., -Want to hear a clean Joke? Johnny took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty one? Bubbles is a man, -Why do sharks swim in salt water? Because pepper would make them sneeze!, -"A Siri joke!: Two iPhones walk into a bar... ...Carrying a set of iPod shuffles. The bartender says: gt; Let those iPods sing, man! He was an iSurfer on iPad mini.", -I used to work at an orange juice factory... I ended up getting fired because I couldn't concentrate., -Just wrote a book on reverse psychology... Don't read it!, -Why did the melon get married in a church? Because he was in love with a cantaloupe., -Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!, -Why was the apricot late to the party? He got stuck in a jam., -Passwords 123456 abcdef Password, -I knew I was old when I opened internet explorer., -What does a storm cloud have on beneath its clothes? Thunderwear!, -Where does the little king keep his little armies? Up his little sleevies., -What kind of house does cheese like to live in? A cottage, -Why did the bullet stay home? Because it got fired!, -What do vegan zombies eat? GRAAAAINS, -What do you call an economics lecturer? Prof. it, -"/r/cleanjokes hits 10K subscribers /r/cleanjokes metrics: Total Subscribers: 10,000 Subreddit Rank: 2,246 Milestones amp; Subreddit Growth: http://redditmetrics.com/r/cleanjokes", -Why did the rope get put in timeout? Because he was very knotty., -What do mathematicians get if they stare at the roots of negative numbers for too long? Square eyes, -"I'm going to stand outside... So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.", -What is Forrest Gump's favorite pasta? Penne, -Where did the universe attend college? At the university., -How do you find Will Smith in the winter? You search for Fresh Prints., -Why did the squirrel cross the road on the telephone wire? To be on the safe side!, -What is Paula Deen's favorite insect? The Butterfly, -What do you call an antelope that wants a big wedding? Cantelope, -Why did no one ever consider Tony Stark a protagonist? Because he was always cited as the Anthony hero., -What's the difference between a firstborn prince and a baseball? A baseball is thrown to the air., -What do you call an Autobot who works in an overpriced makeup store at the mall ? Ulta Magnus!, -I can't stand Russian Dolls... They're always so full of themselves!, -What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef., -"A teacher asked her students to use the word beans in a sentence... My father grows beans, said one girl. My mother cooks beans, said a boy. A third student spoke up, We are all human beans.", -What did the mailman say when his Mail truck caught fire? That he needed to address the situation, -"Math problem: I had 10 chocolate bars and ate 9. What do I have now? Oh, I do not know, DIABETES MAYBE!", -Why don't cannibals like clowns? they taste funny!, -What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Anyone can roast beef..., -Did you know that protons have mass? gt;Yes Well I didn't even know they were Catholic!, -How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints., -THUD What was that? My pants fell down. ...Why so loud? I'm wearing them., -What do you call an Italian guy with a rubber toe? Roberto, -What does a ghost cow say? wave arms around MoooooOOOOOOoooooooo, -"How much does wonton soup weigh? One ton, but I don't know anyone that'd wantonly order it.", -Saitama tried to change his Facebook password to Goku but Facebook said it was too weak..., -Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied her., -What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? pt 2 A boomer-WRONG!, -What do you call a Mexican with crazy intentions? A locomotive!, -How many nihilists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? , -Where do snowmen dance? At the snowball!, -Why is a shooting star better than a hamburger? It's meteor., -Why did the vegetables hop into the boiling pot of water? They were part of a stewicide pact., -I find hanging around in coffee shops A great way to espresso yourself, -First post and an original How much does a Chinese elephant weigh? .................. Wonton, -Heard the one about the corduroy pillowcase? It's making headlines., -What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner., -Why did the spider land on the keyboard? She wanted a new website., -Why did the woman buy new wine glasses? Because the ones she was using made everything blurry., -What did one dry erase marker say to the other? I'm bored! Another one from my 9 year-old., -What did the tailpipe say to the muffler? I'm exhausted. What did the muffler say back? ^mmmmbfmbm, -What do you cal a bear with extreme mood swings? A bi-polar bear., -Why did the snail drink beer? To come out of its shell!, -If I bought a balloon for $0.99 ... How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?, -"I went out with anorexic twins last night... 2 birds, 1 stone", -Why should you never invest in bakeries? Because they have a high turnover rate., -"a disability, a curse word and a radical interpretation of scripture walk into a bar nothing happened welcome to /r/cleanjokes", -What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear., -"Barely amusing Japanese joke Why are snakes so difficult to pick up in Japan? Because in Japan, snakes are hebi.", -"A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar... ...and the bartender says, What is this, a joke?", -"No matter what anyone said, I was never going to take the stand. It's 1000 pages, for Pete's sake!", -Why couldn't the skeleton cross the street? Because he didn't have the guts!, -Why don't crabs give to charities? They are shellfish., -Why did the mortgage broker go out of business? ...because he lost interest., -My buddy the hacker took the quiz What Beatles song best describes your life. The answer he got: My Way., -I hear that in Star Wars VIII they're going to introduce Han's perpetually depressed younger brother. His name is Y Solo., -Did you hear about the skeleton who didn't go to prom? He had no body to go with., -What do you call a group of people standing in the arctic circle? A Finnish line., -Whats brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre, -I came into this subreddit expecting jokes about soap. I am mildly disappointed., -What game do you play with a wombat? Wom., -Wash the alligator clips with rubbing alcohol during flu season Protect yourself from catching a terminal illness., -What age were pigs discovered in? The Saus Age., -You've got to really be careful when ingesting shoes... cause they're usually laced, -Did you hear about the guy who invented a knife that can cut four loaves of bread at once? He's calling it the Four Loaf Cleaver., -Armadillo The world needs more armed dillos., -This is an X and Z conversation... Y are you in the middle?, -What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Dam., -Heart attack When is the worst possible time to have a heart attack? When you are playing Charades., -"The hole in the boat So two guys steal a boat and get drunk. Kane of them goes Hey, there is a hole in this boat. The other says don't worry it's not ours.", -What is a tuna's favorite city? Albacoreque., -What kind of pants does Super Mario wear? , -Why did the cop wake up his son? To stop a kid napping., -I hate people who talk about me behind my back... They discussed me., -What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything., -"I came up with a joke about my old cell phone Nevermind, it tends to get terrible reception", -What did music tell the pancakes? B flat., -"What's Anakin Skywalker's favorite animal? Well, it was cats, originally, but then he was turned to the dog side.", -Have you seen the movie - Constipated? No? Why? Cause it hasn't come out yet!, -Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon? There was no atmosphere, -Why did the grocery delivery guy get fired? He drove people bananas!, -What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll., -What does Captain Kirk wear to the fitness center? Jim shorts., -Did you hear about the lawyer for U2? He was Pro-Bono, -What do you call an old fruit-picker in Wisconsin? Cherry-atric, -I heard she accidentally spilled her chocolate milkshake on her white poodle- -knick knack paddy whack give the dog a... bath!!!, -"An idea for a board game... BONOPOLY - Similar to Monopoly, but where the streets have no name.", -Mary had a little lamb. She's not a vegan anymore., -What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt!, -Santa keeps his suits in the clauset., -Why couldn't the woman date a German man? Because she was Klaustrophobic!, -"Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock! Whos there? Control Freak. Con Okay, now you say, Control Freak who?", -"How did the townspeople react when the mayor presented them with a cost efficient, vegan protein source? They chia'd.", -Did you hear that H.P. Lovecraft wrote a cookbook? It's called the Necronomnomnomicon., -Why should you leery of stairs? Because they are always up to something., -I'm calculating how much it would cost to install lights for a little league baseball field A ballpark estimate would be perfect, -What is the horror movie Quija rated? Quija-13, -"So, a guy gave his friend 10 puns, hoping that one of them would make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.", -What was the allergic 2X4's terrifying hallucination? He sawdust., -What's orange and sounds like a Parrot? A Carrot, -What's brown and sticky? A stick., -What do you call a chef who's stingy with herbs? PARSLEYMONIOUS, -Which US state is the friendliest towards the Japanese? Ohio, -A classic: what do you call somebody with no body and no nose? Nobody knows., -what do you call a fake noodle? An impasta! :D, -What do Engineers use as birth control? Their Personality., -How much does a pirate earing cost? A buccaneer, -What do you call an alligator with a vest? An Investigator!, -Seven days without a joke makes one weak., -I'm a social person. I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why., -My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60... Now hes 97 years old and we have no idea where he is..., -Where do toilets live? Porcel Lane., -Why did the Country Bear Jamboree bear blush? Because he was a bear a-singing. ..... I am at Disney with the kids this week..., -What's a martini's favorite garnish? Olive 'em!, -Why did the chess master order a Russian bride? He needed a Chech mate!, -What's the difference between a bag of chips and a duck with the flu? One's a quick snack and the other's a sick quack!, -Why didn't the cargo ship want to leave the bay? Because it was a freight!, -What do you call someone who really loves breakfast? A cereal killer., -What did Captain Ahab say when he harpooned a whale's tail fin on the first try? Well that was a fluke., -What do you call someone that steals shoes? A sneaker., -What song can never be played on throwback Thursday? Friday by Rebecca Black, -What did the neutrino say to the planet? Just passing through, -What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!, -Did you hear they're republishing that Simple Mathematics study guide? It's the revised edition. , -Do you have a hole in your sock? No ... . . How'd you get your foot in it?, -What does a baker wear on his feet? Loafers., -What cars do cows drive? Cattleacs, -"I was at Redbox, but I didn't know what to watch. I consulted my groceries, and my pizza said, Keep Frozen.", -What do you get when you cross a pig and a spider? Bacon and scrambled leggs., -Why didn't the fisherman go to Florida to fish for long jawed fish with rows of razor like teeth? He didn't have a Gar, -Why don't robots have any brothers anymore? Because they have trans-sisters., -Whats blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint, -Darth Vader told me he knows what i'm getting for Christmas He said he felt my presents..., -Why did the hippie drown? He was too far out!, -What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? The pizza can have ham and cheese together., -Define Will Isn't it obvious? It's a dead giveaway!, -There's a wreath hanging on my door with hundred dollar bills attached. I call it an Aretha Franklin. c:, -How many roads must a man walk? 42., -What is a spectre's favorite theme park attraction? The Roller Ghoster, -What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!, -"Did you know that in high school, Robert E. Lee was voted most likely to secede?", -Did you hear the Offspring song about how to store mummies? You gotta keep 'em desiccated, -This is 2 girls with 1 cup. , -Why were the treefrog's stories always so attention grabbing? Because he was absolutely ribbeting!, -What do you call a slice of bread from another country? An immigraint., -"You know what they say about men that have big feet? They wear big shoes! Come on guys, this is /r/cleanjokes! Get your minds out of the gutter!", -"Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: No eye deer Q: What do you call a quadriplegic deer with no eyes? A: Still, no eye deer. ", -How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FOUR!, -What did the famous musician say the moment he was born? I'LL BE BACH, -What did the pebble say to the rock? I wish I was a little boulder!, -What goes up and down but does not move? Stairs, -In what town lives the mathematician who can only multiply by two? Dublin., -What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison, -Why do Jamaican chickens make fun of all the other chickens? Because they're jerks., -Did y'all hear the one about the professional jump-roper? Never mind. Skip it., -The victim's body was found in the kitchen surrounded by eight empty boxes of cornflakes. Police suspect it was the work of a serial killer., -Stay strong! I said to my wi-fi signal., -Pick up line for a Shakespeare lover. How now brown chicken brown cow?, -"Why did the snail draw an S on the side of his car? So that when he drove by people could say, Look at that escargot!", -When do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat? When there's a sail on it., -"What happens if socialism comes to the Sahara? Old Soviet-era joke told in Russia: What happens if socialism comes to the Sahara? Nothing at first, but then the sand shortages will start.", -How do sailors finish a corny joke on a boat? Ba dum ship., -What's the best part of a baker's body? Their buns., -What do you call coffee made from coal? Tarbucks., -"What did the three holes in the ground say? Well, well, well My grandpa's favorite joke. Took me five years to get it.", -"When you ask a girl, Wanna go to the gym with me? https://www.youtube.com/watch?vrQegAi6d-MM", -"I once ate a watch. It was time consuming, I didn't go back for seconds.", -Why do zombies always kill at comedy clubs? Because their jokes are told post-humorously!, -What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a cartridge? A snapshot., -Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae School, -What is a rocket's favorite meal? Launch! Another one from my 9 year old., -What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits., -What do they call a monastery key that opens all doors? Monk key, -I fell in the mud. And took a shower right after!, -"Fart tutor wanted, must have references", -I do my best when my manager puts a gun to my head., -What do you call someone who majors in geology and astronomy A rockstar, -"I rang up a local builder and said, I want a skip outside my house. He said, I'm not stopping you. Tim Vine", -What kind of bird can write? A penguin., -What did the bunny say to the frog? , -What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? 'ell if I know wot to call it!, -Why did the chef invest in chicken and cow bones? He wanted to buy stock options., -What side of a leopard has the most spots? The outside, -How was the Roman Empire cut in two? With a pair of Caesars., -What's faster hot or cold? Hot! Because anyone can catch a cold! buh duh tsst, -What did one octopus say to the other octopus? Will you hold my hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand?, -Why do fish always sing off key? Because you can't tune a fish. Say it outloud if you don't get it. I made this one up in first grade IIRC., - Our first chance to help our new ally! http://www.reddit.com/r/pickle/comments/1a2xg8/next_attack_for_our_entire_army_march_12th_at_520/, -What type of cheese lives under your bed? Muenster., -"What did the 0 say to the 8? ... Hey, nice belt..", -How does a duck pay for lipstick? She puts it on her bill, -So I work in a Steak House and all the people there are really lazy So I must say after working there: That it's rare to see a job well done, -What is H.P. Lovecraft's cook book called? The Necronomnomnomicon., -Why did the rabbit go to rehab? He was hopped up on easter eggs., -"Knock Knock... 1.Knock knock. Whos there? Yoda lady. Yoda lady who? Good job yodeling! 2.Knock knock. Whos there? Well, not your parents, because your parents never knock!", -What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese!, -Reinventing Yourself http://dryinginside.blogspot.com/2012/10/reinventing-yourself-doesnt-always-work.html, -What do you call a Macho Man Randy Savage that does not belong to you? gt;Nacho Man Randy Savage!!!!! this is my original content!!!!, -What does the horse call the pigs on his farm? Neigh-boars., -What's brown and sticky? A stick, -What is the world famous Chef Gordan's favorite football team? The Ramsays, -My shower had a bit of mildew- -but all it took was a little... scrubbing!!!, -Choose a major you love and you won't have to work for a day in your life Because that major probably has no jobs , -When is booger not a booger? When it., -What's the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there is a mile between each S!, -At the end of the Age of Dinosaurs what happened to the good ones? They got veloci-raptured., -Which Pokemon got a cold? Pik-a-choo., -What do you call someone who's studied Old Norse literature and become an expert. Well edda-cated., -What instrument does God play? He plays the cello. As it says in scripture: Our God is a cellist God., -What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk., -"Want to hear a joke about a crappy restaurant? Nevermind, I'm afraid it may be in poor taste.", -Knock knock Who's there? Abby. Abby who. A bee has stolen my wallet. , -Which celebrity is great at creating probate documents? Will Smith, -Why couldn't Joe be friends with a double-amputee? Because he's lack-toes intolerant., -What do you say when you find two banana peels together? Answer: A pair of slipper, -Why cant college students take exams at the zoo? Too many cheetahs, -"I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode... I asked, Are you two an item?", -"A photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he needs help with his bags. The photon says, no, I'm travelling light. ", -If you're not buying kraft mac and cheese you might be buying an impasta., -How do you make a kleenex dance? You put a little Boogie in it!, -TV playback craziness ., -What do you call a very religious person who sleep walks? A Roman Catholic., -"I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account... ...so I just go around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times. I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.", -Soap addiction I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now!!, -"Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9.", -What Did Delaware? A brand New Jersey!, -Why don't you see penguins in Britain? Because they're afraid of Wales, -New Internet acronym: RALSHMICOMN Rolling Around Laughing So Hard Milk Is Coming Out My Nose, -How do you kill a circus? You stab it in the juggler., -"More retailers should adopt the Leave A Penny / Take A Penny system. It is literally, common cents.", -How much do pirates pay for earrings? about a buck an ear., -Why did the boy throw a clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly., -Which word is the longest in the English language? Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters, -What do you call a person who farts in private? A private tutor, -Why did the raisin take the prune to the new year's ball? Because he couldn't find a date!, -Why did the chicken soup cross the road? Because it was down hill!, -What did one math book say to the other math book? We've got a lot of problems., -Two competing podiatrists opened offices next door to each other... They were arch enemies. Edit: Spelling, -What do you call fake German currency? Question marks, -What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller., -How does Harry Houdini tell people to steal stuff? Straight jack it., -Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate? Because of the silent P., -What do you call an Egyptian bone-setter? Cairo-practor., -"My first job... My first job out of college was a diesel fitter at a pantyhose factory... As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, Yep, deez'll fit her!", -What did the closed can say to the half opened can? YOU'RE BEING UNCANNY!, -Whats the problem with tainted money? It taint yours and it taint mine :D , -What do you call it when someone resuscitates a person who chokes on alcohol? La chaim-lich maneuver., -How many minimalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1, -What do you call a loaf baked in a zoo? Bread in captivity., -Where does a river keep it's money? At the bank., -What side of a turkey has the most feathers? The outside., -My teacher's nickname in school is Flush. He always has the same suit., -What kind of dish does LeBron like? anything with curry in it., -There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary code and those who do not., -What do lawyers wear to court? Law suits!, -Why are the nordic countries the best countries to live in? Their flags are big plusses., -When Captain Picard's sewing machine broke he brought it to the repairman and said... make it sew., -My brother... Likes driving black and white F1 race cars. They call him the F1 racist., -"What is green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table. ", -How do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogie in it! ., -Who makes the sweetest video games? Masahiro Saccharide, -Someone dropped their Scrabble in the middle of the road... ...that's the word on the street anyway., -Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend. They're both cauldron., -My dog chewed up my laptop... I guess he wanted a byte to eat! ^imagine ^this ^in ^zoidberg's ^voice, -Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide, -Why don't cats play poker in the jungle... ...theres too many cheet-ahs, -"What did Ernie say to Bert when he asked for ice-cream? Sure, Bert!", -Ask your doctor if left is right for you., -Why was the tank top more gangster than the tube top? The tube top was strapless., -"This boy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar.... I said, Is that a fret?", -"Apple just released a brand new programming language, Swift. Job recruiters everywhere immediately started posting ads for Swift programmers with 5 years of experience.", -"Which way will it fall? If a rooster lays an egg on a pointed roof, which way will it land? Roosters don't lay eggs", -What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky, -I'm naming my TV remote Waldo... ...for obvious reasons., -A platypus went into a hotel owned by a duck.. ..A platypus went into a hotel owned by a duck. Platypus ate food. Duck billed platypus, -Have you heard about the Black Magic book for orphans? It's called the necromomicon, -"What do you call a black and white bird that can't win, nor fly. A peng-lose.", -How do you catch a unique rabbit? unique up on it!, -what keeps the lions from leaving the savannah the ele-fence, -"Will you tell you the story of the huge sad wall? I shouldn't, you'll never get over it.", -Where do you buy Pikmin from? The Oli-Mart, -Where do literal dogs live? On the roof., -"I just bought a Bonnie Tyler sat-nav. It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.", -Why was the Headless Horseman depressed? He could never seem to get ahead in life., -everybody gets their 15 minutes of fame - so here's my first original joke! why is it impossible to surprise a snowman? .. he has ice in the back of his head, -What's the difference between me and a calendar? A calendar has dates. foreveralone, -What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish, -Knock-knock... Knock-knock Who's there? Control Freak - now you say 'Control Freak who?', -What did the picture say to the Judge? I WAS FRAMED! I just now made that up. I feel good about this one! Skip, -Have you heard the one about the agnostic with dyslexia and insomnia? He tossed and turned all night wondering if there was a dog, -Why did Woodrow Wilson take a long time to turn around? Because he could only make 14 point turns., -totally original joke/first post: What do you get when you play a Frank Sinatra record at twice the speed? Shrank Sinatra, -How did Hitler tie his shoelaces? In cute little knotsies!, -My first joke here and an original! Did you hear about the two lawyers who set up shop under the old oak tree? I heard it was a pretty shady business., -What do you call a discounted Zuckerberg? Marked down!, -What did the floor say to the desk? I can see your drawers!, -There were two flies sitting on a toilet seat... one got pissed off., -"What's a difference between a teacher and a train? The teacher tells you to spit you gum out. The train says, Chew, chew, chew!", -Why don't blind people like skydiving? It scares the crap out of the dog., -"The scientists a scientist went to a remote island with a dog in order to teach his speaking. Three years later, the scientist returns, and is asked about his experiment; he replied woof, woof, woof", -What do you call a con-artist who minored in psychology? Sigmund Fraud, -What's a pigs favorite muscle? The hamstring., -What do fish think about air? It's UN-B-REATHABLE!, -What did the hammer say to the drill? You're too boring., -What did Sean Connery say when his books fell on his head? I blame my shelf, -Why did tomato blush? because it saw the salad dressing, -My biggest problem with passive smoking is having to follow the smoker around., -What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look at me I'm changing., -"What is green, sings and can be found in the fridge? Elvis Parsley", -What is Jackie Chan's favorite drink? Wata, -What did the Pelican say to the fish when he was running late for work? I'll catch you later!, -What do you call a camel in Alaska? Lost., -"All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.", -I love self deprecating humour. Shame I'm no good at it., -Here's a funny joke I heard about pizza oh nevermind. It's too cheesy., -What Time Do You Go To The Dentist? Tooth - Hurty! XD, -Knock knock. Who's there? Doorbell technician., -If Mr. Bean lost one of his legs he'd be cannellini!, -When is the month when the most trees fall? Sep-timber, -What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri-tip., -How was Rome split in half? With a pair of Caesars, -What do you call Washington State after a long rain storm? Washed a Ton State. I woke up with that joke in my head this morning. My brain is weird. Had to share it with someone., -What did the one wall say to the other wall? Meet you at the corner, -What do beef hearts smell like? Honey., -How many Romans does it take to screw in a light bulb? V., -Why do birds fly south for the winter? because its too far to walk!, -What is a traveler's favorite font? Times New Roamin'!, -What do you call a nosey pepper? Jalapeno Business, -Science Jokes Thread on AskReddit! For your amusement: http://en.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1auxsf/what_are_some_funny_scientific_jokes_that_you_know/, -Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball., -Why did the air freshener company go out of business? Because they lacked common scents..., -With a name like Freddy Mercury... shouldn't he have done heavy metal?, -What do you call someone who serves smelly drinks? a Fartender, -What do you call a group of Geometry classes? A geomeforest., -What's red and is bad for your teeth? A brick, -How much did the pirate charge for corn? He sold them for a buccaneer., -"A penguin walks into a bar... He goes up to the barman and says, Have you seen my father in here today? The barman says, I don't know, what does he look like?", -I'm very keen I could tell he was bald at the drop of a hat., -"So I was feeling down the other day... My friend wanted to cheer me up, so he told me 10 jokes to make me feel better. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.", -What do the French call artificial feet for cats? Faux Paws, -I just invented a new word! It's called plagiarism., -What did the host serve his guests for The Simpsons marathon night? Disco Stew!, -Why did the mechanic go to art school? Because he wanted to learn how to make a van go!, -What do you call a fish with no eyes? ....a fssshhh..., -What kind of dog can do magic tricks? A labracadabrador., -WHAT is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WAH TAHH!!!!, -What other body parts did Voldemort not have apart from his nose? His legs and arms.. because he was disarmed and defeated., -"A police officer bought a robot this robot was fueled by sodium and alkaline, but could only hold enough for 24 hours at a time. so every morning he had to charge it with a salt and battery.", -What kind of bee will not take credit for his contributions? A Humblebee., -What does a Vulcan lawnmower need to function? A spock plug., -Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the opossum it could be done., -I would never exaggerate... ...in a million years., -They told me I had type A blood... turns out it was a typo., -Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side., -Why do ducks have flat feet? To stomp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out flaming ducks., -What do you call a midget psychic that broke out of prison? A small medium at large!, -"The hairdresser's oath First, harm no 'do...", -What kind of pants does Super Mario wear? Denim Denim Denim, -A man once thought he'd discovered a new primary color but it proved to be merely a pigment of his imagination., -"You'd think that people who kept their head warm would tend to be healthier... but as it turns out, people who wear turbans are actually more likely to be Sikh", -What do you call a man with his big toe above his shin? Tony, -what do you call a vampire that sucks mucus instead of blood? nose-feratu!, -"What do you call someone who wears leather, likes bondage and likes getting inked? Moleskine", -"What's the difference between a piano, a tuna and a jar of glue? You: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna! Person getting told joke: What about the glue? You: I knew you'd get stuck there!", -Why arent koalas actual bears? They dont meet the koalafications., -What was Dr Frankenstein's second job? He was a body-builder, -What do you call somebody with no body and no nose? Nobody knows., -"This summer I'm going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say, 'Get a life' on them. Demetri Martin", -I had a conversation with a Mobius strip... It was one-sided., -Coco The Clown took his car back to the garage this week. The door wouldn't fall off., -What do you call a pachyderm that sings jazz? Elephants Gerald, -How much do drum shaped sofas cost? 5 dollars per-cushion., -What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Utter destruction! !!!!, -"Did someone say purple? Sorry, it must have been a pigment of my imagination!", -What did the blue denims say to the black denims? I guess we have different genes! knee slap ... I'll see myself to the door, -I just found out I'm colorblind It came out of the yellow., -Ever heard about that movie called Constipation? It never came out., -How does a plant walk? It uses a plant stand., -Did you hear about the two silk worms that got in a fight? It ended in a tie., -What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large, -Why does Mr. Pencil hate Mr. Pen so much? Because he is an erascist., -I made a model aircraft. I wanted it to be an unpainted smooth finish wooden aircraft. So I made a plain planed plane plane., -What happened to the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl? They had a MetLife crisis. , -How do you pay for things in the Czech Republic? Cash or Czech Edit: a word, -"What begins with E, ends with E, and has one letter? envelope", -"Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, Bach, Bach, Bach ...", -Why did the packaged green onion get into trouble? Because it was a wrapped scallion., -What time do you go to the dentist? 2:30, -Did you hear about the kidnapping recently? The goatherd woke him up., -What do you call two guys above a window? Curt 'n Rod, -Why did the lettuce get arrested? ...for disturbing the peas!, -What happened to the tyrannical fruit? He was impeached!, -Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? You didn't hear? It made headlines!, -"Today, the doctor told me that the bottom of my heart has stopped functioning. My girlfriend will be disappointed; that's the part I loved her from.", -How do you make gold soup? You use 14 carrots., -"What's my New Year resolution? Well, I just got a Hi-Def TV, so it's 1920 X 1080i.", -How does a cactus do his math homework? He uses a cacti-lator!, -What's an oven's favorite comedy routine? Deadpan., -"Two balloons are floating across the desert One balloon says to the other, Look out for the cactussssssssssssssssssss!", -linuxmint 13 or 15 question why does 13 have lts and not newer versions?, -why was Pavlov's hair so soft? classical conditioning., -What did the slab of meat say when it was covered in salt and left out to dry? I'm cured!, -What do you call an animal that goes through your trash and tells great stories? A raccoonteur., -I'm making a band! I started a band called 999 Megabytes...we havent gotten a gig yet., -What do you call thrusting a hairy rod in and out of your mouth really fast then afterwards spitting out a white liquid? Brushing your teeth, -Why doesn't the sun need to go to University? He's too bright., -Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the nearest Shell Station!, -Do you know why one side of the the V formation of geese in flight is longer than the other side? Because It has more geese in it!, -What's a pirates favorite letter? You think it's the R but it's really the C. Happy talk like a pirate day!, -Did you hear about the Native American who went to a party and drank 37 cups of tea? They found him dead the next morning in his tea pee., -What did the elephant say to the horn-less rhino? Rhino horn?, -What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!, -How do porcupines play leapfrog? Very carefully, -Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies., -How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just 1 but it will take 3 episodes., -What do you call 99 bunnies walking forward and they take one step backwards? A receding hare line., -What kind of jeans do ghosts wear? Boo Jeans, -What should you do before criticizing Pac-Man? WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes, -What do you call a father who was kidnapped in Iraq? A Baghdad., -"What has six eyes but cannot see? Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded and kids that need a bath", -What do Egyptians do when their mass transit breaks down? Get Anubis., -What's the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful is against the law and illegal is a sick bird., -How long did it take for the police to catch the man running in his underwear? It was a brief chase..., -What do call a horse that lives near you? A neighbor , -A termite walks into a pub And asks where's the bar tender?, -What kind of birds stick together? Vel-crows, -What happens when you get some vinegar in your ear? You suffer from pickled hearing!, -A sad can goes to get recycled. He was soda-pressed., -What does Drew Carey have in his driveway? Cleveland Rocks!, -Why don't you want your nose to be 12 inches long? because then it would be a foot!, -"Branson My wife and I went to Branson, Missouri. I think our hotel caters to senior citizens because it had a free incontinental breakfast.", -A long joke jooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooke, -"What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.", -Whats blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint, -ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Noel., -"Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling... ...but it's definitely up there.", -Why was the hula hoop a great boxer? It could go round for round., -how do you make 7 even? remove the s, -What gets longer the more you cut it at both ends? A ditch., -"Where does dubious pasta come from? The spaghetto. I can't take all the credit, however: I heard the word from guy", -What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!, -Why was the chicken kicked out of class? For using fowl language., -At least I now know why the lions leave the plains before the end of summer. Because the Pride goeth before the Fall., -What do you call an economist at an amusement park who is just sitting around? A lazy fair goer!, -How did the prostitute get promoted? She slept her way to the top!, -What did the space between two tiles say? I AM GROUT, -What do you say to the Montana barista when they overfill your chamomile? Beautiful, -What's green and fuzzy and can kill you if it falls from a tree? A pool table., -How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it., -Wanna hear a construction joke? I'm working on it., -What do gamers plant in their garden? Skill trees! Dances wildly with top hat and cane, -What's an idealist vegetarian's favorite meal? Peas and hominy, -Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!, -What do you get when you mix two chains and a cow? Truuuuuuuuuuu-moooooooooooooooooo!!!, -Why do elephants hide behind trees? To trip ants., -I can make a movie with my hand. All it takes is a FLICK of the wrist!, -"I am not pro gay. I am not even amateur gay. But, I support their rights.", -why didn't the american leek want to talk to the japanese leek? because it was negi, -I hate girls with double standards unless they're pretty, -What did the lazy surgeon say to his patient? Suture self!, -I have found that there are three kinds of people; Those who can count and those who can't., -I made half a cup of tea the other day... It was so nice I had two., -Why did peanut butter flop at the talent show? He didn't have the right jam., -How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Tentacles., -Where do Cows go for parties? The Moovies, -"How many Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes 5 episodes.", -Did you hear about the schizophrenic accounts manager? He couldn't help but hear invoices inside his head., - Why do galaxies put on boring shows while separated? Because their performance is lack-cluster., -Knock Knock..., -There is a special species of bird that is really good at holding stuff together... They're called velcrows., -Why are jokes about rotten eggs banned? Because they're infeggtious, -What side dish do frogs like to enjoy with their hamburgers? French Flies!, -What do cows do for fun? They go to the mooooo-vies., -Why did the puppy get away with committing murder? ...He had paws-able deniability., -There once was a jealous zombie... But he ate his heart out., -What do you call a ubiquitous spud? A common-tater!, -Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball lt;pgt; My favorite joke since I was little, -"Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind, it's probably too cheesy.", -What has a bottom at the top? Your legs., -What type of grain uses profanity? Vulgar Wheat, -What do you call a penguin with a smoking problem? It's a puffin!, -What did they call the Pillsbury Doughboy after he hurt his leg? Limp Biscuit, -"Better be named after what? If you had to choose, would you prefer having a disease named after you, or be named after your mother in law?", -"I know a woman who owns a taser... Let me tell you, she's stunning!", -Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested? He was held without charge., -"Have you ever heard the one about the dust bunny and the mud pie? Well then sorry, I only tell clean jokes.", -Why was the tomato blushing? Because it saw the salad dressing., -My buddy said he'd give his right arm to be ambidextrous I can only admire such dedication., -Why did the skeleton not attend prom? He had no body to go with., -Why was the owl afraid of Raidoactivity Because it was made of Hootonium, -"How many US Congressmen does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh, please. Like they've ever changed anything that needed it.", -What do you call soup that you've found a hair in? Rabbit Soup :D, -What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen, -"Two birds are sitting on a perch. One bird says to the other, Do you smell fish?", -A man wanted to name his son a very long name... ...so he named him Miles, -"What killed the guy ordering at an Italian restaurant? He'd had trouble deciding to go with the appetizers or entrees, but eventually he went antipasto way.", -"I'm tired of people calling America the dumbest country in the world Quite frankly, I think Europe is!", -What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say upon being asked to star in a Broadway production about the world's greatest composers? I'll be Bach. Sorry., -"What did the owner of the Indian restaurant say when he burned all of his bread? Don't worry, it's a naan issue.", -Who was the most important Knight of the Round Table? Sir Cumference., -"Why did Beethoven kill off his chickens? They kept saying, Bach, Bach, Bach.", -Why did the bigamist cross the road? To get to the other bride., -Why did the fox cross the road? It was chassing after the chicken!, -Why did the man throw his watch out the window? He wanted to see time fly!, -"Why is ok to leave the lid off a basket of socialist crabs? Because whenever one of them climbs to the top, the others drag it back down.", -Why did the banker leave his job? he lost interest, -What do you call a cashew in space? An astronut., -Why are some chillies nosy? They're jalapeno business, -"What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look grandpa, no hands!", -What do you call it when you dip poultry and beef in chocolate? Brown-chichen-Brown-cow, -What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving? Plump kin!, -Why does the Pope only eat munchkins? Cause they're the holy part of the donut!, -"Knock, Knock... Who's there? The K.G.B. The K.G.B. wh... SLAP! WE are K.G.B., WE will ask questions!!", -What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing, -What is a vampire's favorite fruit? a Neck-tarine --From a great co-worker, -"So Sherlock... asked Watson, I forget, what was your highest degree of education? Elementary, my dear Watson.", -What did Descartes say while shopping online? I think therefore I Amazon, -What does r/The_Donald call its rule list? The MAGA Carta, -A cow fell off a truck in Russia Apparently he hadn't been Put in properly., -What do you call a flower in Florida? Orlando Bloom., -What do you call an Egyptian doctor who works on peoples backs? A Cairopractor!, -Why did the dog go into the water? Because he didn't want to be a hot dog., -Why'd the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool., -"Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning? He was too far out, maaan.", -If you have bladder problems. Urine trouble., -Where did the general keep his armies? In his sleevies!, -What did Cholera say to Malaria? Are you gonna Jaundice on Saturday?, -Q)What will you call a person who sleeps next to a close relative? A) NapKin, -Scary Halloween Joke Person 1: Knock knock! Person 2: Who's there? Person 1: A GHOST!!!, -Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8, -What's cold and scary?! I-scream!, -Why was the rooster happy after his trip to Vegas? He got clucky., -"What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?", -Why are horses never overweight? They're on a stable diet., -Why does not a forth-grader ever take the bus home? Because he knew his parents will make him return it., -Why was Farmer Bob so good at his job? Because he was outstanding in his field, -What do you call a fish who works for the government? An Official., -Why didn't the Duke of Windsor let his French servant help him tie his tie? He never does it with a four-in -hand., -Why did the bald man draw rabbits all over his head? From a distance they look like hares!, -I went to a shredded cheese convention the other day... it was grate, -What is ISIL's favourite dessert? Terrormisu, -Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke joke jooooke!, -What happened to the runny nose... it tripped and fell. Now it's all boogered up., -"Four years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times. ", -What do you call a cavator that isnt a cavator anymore? an EXcavator, -Why did the strawberry cry? Because his mother was in a jam., -People dont like having to bend over to get their drinks... We really need to raise the bar., -I fear for the calendar... ...its days are numbered., -why are there fences around graveyards? people are just dying to get in there these days., -"One Eskimo said to the other, Where is your mother from? The second Eskimo says Alaska.", -Why can't a Pirate make it through their ABC's? They always get lost at C., -Jesus wrote a play about a tornado. It was an Act of God., -Why did the girltree fall in love with the boy tree? He was sappy, -I went to a seafood disco last week... ...and pulled a mussel., -Why did the pie go to the dentist? It needed a filling., - So my friend saw me browsing this subreddit and he said... Is this a subreddit for really bad jokes?, -Superman and Eyore had a baby. The baby's name? Supereyore, -What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree? Camembert!, -Did you know that it's traditional to serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap? There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise., -What do you call a deep-sea diving dog? Scuba - Doo!, -Where did the fish go when it needed an operation? To the sturgeon, -My English teacher got really angry about the format of my essay. It wasn't justified., -Starcraft: Why did the marine vote for the dragoon? He was Protoss, -"All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.", -What do you get if you cross an elephant with a fish? Swimming trunks, -"Where is Engagement, Ohio? Between Dayton and Marion.", -Why is Ireland the richest country in the world? Because it's capital is always Dublin., -Can you tell me what you call a person from Corsica? Course a can., -How did the metal get the wrong idea? He was misled., -So today is Star Wars day May the fourth be with you!, -what happens if you drink 3.14 liters of water? you will Pi ss, -A WWII Joke! What did the German Shepherd say at his Nuremberg trial? I was just following odors., -What do cows like to put on their hot dogs? moostard, -Why did the cow go to the psychologist? She had a fodder complex., -Why did the knife quit? It couldn't CUT IT! woohoo! I made this one up while sitting at a buffet table. Enjoy! Skip, -What's George Washington's least favorite flower? Li-lacs!, -Why should you avoid people dressed as celery? They could be stalking you!, -Wanna hear a joke about Nitric Oxide ? NO, -What's the strongest letter in the alphabet? P Even Superman can't hold it., -What do you call it when your wife brings you rice porridge in prison? Congee-gal visit, -Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken didn't exist., -Why does a rapper need an umbrella? Fo' drizzle., -What did Tennessee? What Arkansas., -"My son decided to help me clean the car today. After ten minutes of watching him, I told him to use some elbow grease. Two hours later, the idiot came back and told me that he couldn't find it.", -What do you call a group of Combi's? A Combi nation!, -"How do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from a duck", -"You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose... But you can't pick your friend's nose", -Which whiskey should you buy if you want to dance all night? Wild Twerky!, -Why couldn't the hunter cook breakfast? The game warden found out he poached his eggs!, -"I went to an ATM... I was at an ATM this morning and this older lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.", -How much does a truck full of bones weigh? A skeleTon, -Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!, -A skeleton walks into a bar... Asks for a beer and a mop., -What do you call an atheist bone? A blasfemur., -How do you catch a one-of-a-kind rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a very calm rabbit? The tame way., -Will Smith's website isn't responding. What do you do? Refresh Prince of Bel Air., -What the the electrician say to his buddy? Watts up?!, -How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian.... I'll get my coat..., -How do you catch a bra? You set a booby trap., -"April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.", -Which cheese is the loneliest? Prov-alone!, -Did you hear the joke about the fast car? I would tell you but I think you're too slow to get it., -Why did the twinkie go to the dentist? He lost his filling!, -How does a fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales!, -"What does music have to do with safety? If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.", -Why is there very little honey in Belgium? Because there is only one B in Belgium, -How many goals did Germany score? gerMANY, -Why did the elephant turn around in the airport and go home? He forgot to pack his trunk., -Two fish are in a tank... Two fish are in a tank... First one says: I'll drive! Second one says: I'll man the guns!, -How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? it's a pretty obscure number.... i'm sure you haven't heard of it., -What celebrity never payed with a cheque or credit? Johnny Cash., -What is a pair of sheep's favorite instrument? Two-Baaas., -You know why ancient Greek children were always getting lost from their parents? 'Cause they kept Roman around!, -Have you heard about that hot Thai lounge singer? Yeah. They call him Frank Sriracha., -"...walks into a bar... A golfer, a priest and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, What is this? Some kind of joke?", -"Other uses for chloroform 1) A great conversational piece when talking to the cops about using it 2) Make the day go by faster 3) And finally, as a reagent.", -Cars Why do lazy people only drive automatics? Because they're shiftless., -Why is Yoda afraid of seven? Because six seven eight., -Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C., -College My son took Rock Climbing in college but he had to drop the class. He couldn't find any Cliff Notes., -What is the cheapest part of a boat? The part with the sail in it., -Why was the egg kicked out of the comedy club? Because he was telling bad yolks!, -"You know what's the problem with Mexican and black jokes? If you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamaal.", -The signature dish of a restaurant called the Twisted Rooster: Mobius Chicken Strips., -What did one math book say to the other? Don't bother me; I've got my own problems!, -Why are giraffes slow to apologize? It takes them a long time to swallow their pride, -Velcro What a rip off. Joke by Tim Vine., -Why don't melons ever run away and get married? Because they cantaloupe!, -Like most people my age... I'm 27., -"Two fish in a tank Fish 1:Uh, Greg? Fish 2:What Fish 1:How do we drive this thing", -Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way., -Why did the bacteria cross the microscope? To get to the other slide, -I read a story about a kid that ate 4 cans of alphabet soup in one sitting... It said that he later had a massive vowel movement. Maybe a dirty joke., -Tasted the best Borscht ever! It'll be hard to beet., -The Fine Bros. 'React' announcement was like a television with no antenna. Poor reception., -What do call a horse that lives near you? A naybor, -What kind of bees make milk? Boobies., -What does Mario use to get his hot dogs off the grill? He uses his Donkey Tongs., -We don't serve time travelers here A time traveler walks into a bar., -"How do you kill bread? Bake it for a little while, and it will be toast.", -What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination., -Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them!, -What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy, -What do you call cheese that is by itself? Provolone, -I just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters... Its shift work., -Why does a Bicycle have a kickstand? Because it's two tired., -"Which side of a horse has the most hair? The OUTSIDE! oh-my-goodness, that's hilarious! Skip", -"I went in to a pet shop and said, Can I buy a goldfish? The guy said, Do you want an aquarium? I said, I dont care what star sign it is.", -Noah wasn't much for civilized society . . . You could say he was an-arc-ist., -Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie., -What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? A candy baa, -"What do you do if you see a spaceman? You park in it, man.", -Why did Trump insist on Hillary Clinton as Secretary of state? He doesn't believe women should get above secretary, -I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger. And then it hit me., -What did the Buffalo say when his child left for college? Bison, -How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you later., -Batman doesn't have nightmares Nightmares have batman, -Charles Dickens walks into a bar... and orders a martini. The bartender asks olive 'er twist?, -"Nickelback walks into a bar.... So Nickelback walks into a bar, and there is no punchline, because ruining music isn't funny.", -"So a polar bear walks into a bar... and says, I'll have a gin.....and tonic The bartender says, What's with the big pause? And the polar bear says, Oh, I've always had them.", -"Mom asked if I wanted to race toy cars with my neighbor Chucky. I responded, Nah, that's child's play.", -What do you find in a cloud's shorts? Thunderpants!, -Why did the SSD burn a flag? Because it was a Patriot Blaze, -Difference between a dead squirrel and a dead drummer in the road? http://imgur.com/PKibj The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig., -By shear coincidence... ...all these sheep look the same..., -Finally decided on my thesis paper. It's a LOTR themed essay in defense of Sauron Titled Getting away with Mordor, -What do you call a bee from the wrong side of town? A bumblegee, -Why did Mrs. Grape leave Mr. Grape? She was tired of raisin kids., -What does batman take in his whiskey? Just ice., -What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A Stick, -A guy walks into a bar Ouch, -Why did the scale decide that the scam artists were heavier than the novels? Because the cons outweighed the prose., -Im trying to get into classical music... ...but I cant find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands., -What did aged mother cheddar say to her son the day of school photos? Looking sharp., -Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan!, -"Note for Santa Dear Santa, Please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please don't mix those two up like you did last year. Thanks.", -Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? He conditioned it., -What's an atheist's favorite Christmas movie? Coincidence on 34th Street, -What do you call someone who makes a lot of money through deforestation of the Amazon? A Brazillionaire!, -Whats Marios favorite type of jeans? denim denim denim!, -What did the 0 say to the 8? Let's make a snowman!, -Never try to kill a termite with a napkin. It'll only get bigger., -What did one nose say when the other nose said I love you? Back achoo!, -Hope you guys like clean humor videos https://www.youtube.com/watch?vkNt-aTq0hxM, -Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog., -Two guys walk into a bar... the third one ducks., -What did the french butter say when it got stocked in the cooler? Beurre... I came up with this today while grocery shopping. I'm ridiculously pleased with myself., -Why did the dog sleep on the chandelier? Because he was a light sleeper., -What happens when a spoon and fork get into a fight? civilwar, -My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all of her musical instruments., -How do you count cows? With a cowculator., -"I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig ... Maybe not a funny joke but at least it is deep.", -What do you call a burial chamber full of Moose? Moosoleum., -Mints I was eating mint chocolates and I felt sick after eight., -"A Polar Bear walks into a cafe He says, I'll have a burger and.... a coke. The waitress says, Okay. But, why the long pause? The bear says, I don't know. I was born with them.", -What did the hot dogs name their child? Frank, -"I may be middle-class, but I'm hard. Al dente, you might say. Jimmy Carr", -"What do you say when you see three whales? Whale whale whale, what do we have here?", -What did Cinderella say while waiting for her photos? Someday my prints will come, -What did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall? Dam, -My Bucket List Five gallon bucket Mop bucket Bucket hat, -What do you call an old soldier who has been sprinkled in salt and pepper? A seasoned veteran., -"The fast food restaurant for babies. Welcome to Gerber King, may I take your order?", -What did one frog say to the other? Time's fun when you're having flies., -What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Halfway., -Want to hear a dirty joke? This boy trips and falls into some mud., -No matter how much you push the envelope... ...it's still stationery., -A vampire stopped coming to my nightly poker games. All I said was that he made too many mistakes..., -What's the most beautiful thing in Advanced Physics? A passing grade., -"I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago... ...and so far, all it's been doing is gathering dust.", -Where do you drown a hipster? The Mainstream., -What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? , -Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop!, -An invisible man marries an invisible woman... The kids were nothing to look at either., -What did the creepy scientist say to his new creepy wife? Let's grow MOLD together!, -Never trust an atom They make up everything, -When you cook duck you should always add a little bit of goose It makes a game out of every bite., -"A pair of mittens says to a hat, I'll stay here, you go on a head", -"What is black, bitter and dont work worth a damn? Decaf coffee", -"Knock, Knock... Who's there? Peas. Peas who? Peas pass the butter", -My go to zoo joke I tell this to my wife and kids every time we go to a zoo... Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? A. Elephino, -Why did the chicken cross the road half-way? She wanted to lay it on the line., -"I knew this guy who was so dumb... he saw a road sign that said, Disney Land Left, so he turned around and went home.", -I'm not really sure I'm understanding this financial crisis in Greece... It's all Greek to me., -"What happened when porky pig fell asleep at his construction job? The foreman fired him, saying, 'We can't have bored boars boring boards.'", -Did you hear about that spicy knight? Sir Acha., -What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything., -What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef., -"There once was a girl from Nantucket... Who carried her ice in a bucket. She walked down a hill. She had a great spill. And when she got up, she said, I'm going to watch my step next time!", -Why are bears so hairy ? They don't have salons in the jungle !, -How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? ten-tickles, -"Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot is faster. Anyone can catch a cold.", -Do you think George Clooney has an iTunes playlist called Clooney Tunes?, -I was going to go to a clairvoyants meeting the other day but.... it was cancelled due to unforeseen events., -"Joke request Tell me your best joke that includes July fourth and fire Let's see what you've got, Reddit!", -"What is black, white, and red all over? A Communist Propaganda film from the 1930s.", - What holds up a bowl's pants? Suspoonders!, -I don't like going to funerals early in the day. I'm not much of a mourning person., -What happens when breed a shark and snowman? You get a frostbite!, -Which letter of the alphabet is the laziest? letter G , -whats brown and sticky? a stick!, -Which day do chickens fear most? Fryday., -"What did the knob say to the door? I LOCK you a lot! yep, its corny, indeed, but... I'm tryin'! Skip", -Shout out to... ...baseball players who have three strikes., -why do they call them light bulbs? they don't weigh very much, -What's a reporter's favorite food? Ice cream because they always want a scoop!, -Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field., -"Is your refrigerator running? Well, you better get glasses, and stop doing drugs", -"A stamp collector walks into a bar... He walks up to the hostess and says, You're more beautiful than any stamp in my collection She replied, Philately will get you nowhere.", -I personally don't believe in bros before hoes or hoes before hoes.. There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis, -How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch!, -"My dad's not an alcoholic... ...He just collects empty bottles, sounds so much better, doesn't it? Stewart Francis", -I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely... ...if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone., -Q) What do you call a group of 8 rabbits? A) Rabbyte!, -What is a bacteria's OTHER favorite dish? The PETRI dish!, -What do you call a productive Asian? China get something done., -Why do ghosts carry tissues? Because they have BOOOOgers., -"Two pretzels.. Two pretzels went walking down the street, one was assaulted", -What is the Sun's favorite candy? Starburst! Another one from my 9 year old. I don't know where he gets it., -I just met someone who was a steam-roller operator. He was such a flatterer., -Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Gordon ramsey, -"What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? Quack, quack, quack.", -"What is the difference between a man and a cat? One eats a lot, is lazy and doesnt care who brings the food. The other is a pet.", -How do you confuse a fish? You put it in a bowl and tell it go to a corner!, -Have you guys ever heard of the crazy Mexican Train Killer? He had...... Loco Motives, -Do you know why there's no casinos in Africa? Because there's too many CHEETAHS!, -what did the zero say to the eight? nice belt, -"They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, no ones laughing now.", -I just heard because of the government shutdown government archeologists are working with a skeleton crew., -Why do abcdefghijklmopqrstuvwxy amp; z hate hanging out with the letter n? Because n always has to be the center of attention., -Why couldn't Bach pay for his dinner? Because he was Baroque., -What is the difference... What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? One is against the law and the other is a sick bird., -"What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing, they just waved.", -What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones!, -Why did the Wise Man get 25 to life? Myrrhder, -What do you call a dinosaur FBI agent? A pteredacted., -What did the fish say when it ran into the wall? Dam, -16 sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman., -What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dessed man on a bicycle? Attire...!!, -"What did the pilot say when his plane wasn't flying? Aw man, that's a drag.", -"I asked my soap who it voted for, it said... I'd lather not say! note: This one came to me in the shower just now, gotta go back in now. Oh, the irony! I think. Skip", -Why did the coffee file a police report? Because it was mugged., -How does the man in the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it., -How did the burglar get into the house? Intruder window, -Two chimps are in the bath One says ooh oooh eek eek The other one says well put some cold water in then!, -What do ducks do at Christmas time? They duckerate cookies., -What do you call a dead fly? a flew, -Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrup........ MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! , -What di you call a snowman in may? A puddle!, -What do you call a white supremacist who doesn't eat meat? A vegitaryan, -"How is a rabbit similar to a plum? they are both purple, except for the rabbit.", -Why are there no midget accountants? They always come up short., -What do you call a noisy Chinese dog? How-Ling , -Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom ... because the p is silent, -How did the Pillsbury Dough Boy Die? A Yeast Infection, -What do you call a native american cook a sioux chef, -I said bring your coffee maker whenever you want Them: great headphones on planes is heavier than flying over TEAs, -A poem for Valentine's day Roses are red Poppies are red The grass is red Oh no my yard is on fire, -What did the dad buffalo say when his offspring left for college? Bison, -How do you get Pikachu on the bus? Poke 'em on!, -Whats brown and sticky? a stick, -What do you call a fish that operates on brains? A brain sturgeon., -The reason angels can fly... ...is that they take themselves lightly. G. K. Chesterton, -I'm in the terminator musical. I'll be Bach., -I try not to spend too much time online... ...but Wi-Fight it?, -What does December have that other months dont have? The letter D., -What's the best way to capitalize on an opportunity? ON AN OPPORTUNITY, -"What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it'll kill you? A pool table.", -"A termite walks into a bar... And asks the nearest person Hey, is the bar tender here?", -I tired playing soccer But I couldn't get a kick out of it., -What did the priest say when watering his garden? Let us spray., -How did the musician catch his fish? He castanet, -What do you call a plastic sheep? Lambinated!, -"I need this plant to grow. Well, water you waiting for?", -"Book, you look so much thinner! I know! I had my appendix removed!", -Have you been injured in a car accident? call 555-bottom-feeders. We will do anything for money., -Did you hear about the stallion and the mare? They had a stable relationship., -What are two doctors with colds An ironic Paradox., -What do you get when you cross Kansas with a vulture? Carrion my wayward son, -How do you know it's time to go to bed? Hitler is raping you!, -What do you call a Romanian grocery clerk? Scanthesku, -What do you call a fear of horned bovines? Aurochnophobia., -"What haircut did the Texan barber recommend when asked? He couldn't think of anything, and said I'll mullet over", - How does Gandhi measure passive resistance? In oooooohms., -Why is Kim Jong Un like todays music? They both ain't got the same Seoul., -"I knew this guy who would ask men at church, is your tie made out of bird cloth? lt;blank staregt; It's cheep, cheep, cheep.", -What happened when the carrot died? There was a huge turnip at the funeral., -Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent, -"Why do librarians like the wind? It says, Shhh! all day!", -One potato asks another: -Are you sure we are related? -Yes I yam!, -I like my slaves like I like my coffee Free., -Who is the only superhuman Frozone can't deal with? Thor., -Why don't bears wear boots? Cos they like to walk around in their bear feet., -There's 10 kind of people in the world. Those who know binary and those who don't., -What do you call the object Attila the Hun uses to brush his leg hair? A Hun knee comb., -Words can't possibly describe how beautiful you are... But numbers can 4/10, -What are twins favorite fruits? Pears, -Did you hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine? Now he's fully recovered., -Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the moron's house. knock knock ^^Whose ^^there? the chicken..., -Why did the wave fail the driving test? It kept crashing on the beach., -"What did one earthquake say to the other? Hey, it's not my fault.", -"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer, I don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day. --My amazing girlfriend told me this one", -"Request: Jokes for the sick? I have a good friend who was just hospitalized, hopefully nothing too serious. I'd love to send him a few short, clean jokes to cheer him up. Thanks!", -Why would no one listen to the percussion section? Because they couldn't drum up enough support., -What kind of bee can never be understood? A mumble-bee., -What's the difference between Botox and Borax? Two letters., -A broom only likes one brand of comedy. Dustpan., -If you bury someone in the wrong place then you have made a grave mistake., -"A man walks into a fancy dress party carrying a woman on his back... The host asks the man why this is so. Oh, I'm a tortoise and this is Michelle says the man.", -There's only one problem with reading articles about space based technology It all goes waaaay over my head., -Pac-Man What should you do before you criticize Pac-Man? WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes., -What does a bag of rice and an onion do when they get into a fast car? They pilaf. I'll show my way out, -Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind it is too cheesy., -What did the Triangle say to the Circle? Your life is pointless., -"HELP! We need your best joke you have! We will choose the best joke and make a video of it, just for you!", -I heard a great joke about a boomerang earlier. I'm sure it will come back to me eventually., -"What did the pony say when he had a sore throat? Pardon me, I'm just a little hoarse.", -I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know why., -What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. Whats blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath, -What's Sam Smith's favorite type of nut? , -What did the koala bear say to the barber? You ca-lip this?, -What city loves to eat sandwiches? Koldcutta, -Why aren't sumos chummy with racecar drivers? They move in different circles., -What do you call shaving a crazy sheep? Shear madness., -Why don't tennis players get married? Because to them love means nothing., -What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta, -I thought I had a brain tumor but then I realized it was all in my head., -"Did you know that 1 in every doll, in every doll, in every doll, in every doll are Russian?", -Today's my cake day! And I'm going to eat it too!, -How do you kill a vampire from the South? With a chicken fried stake, -"You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose... But you can't pick your friend's nose", -"Two atoms walk into a bar... One says, Oh no, I've lost an electron. The other asks, Are you sure? Yeah, I'm positive!", -What is robot jazz called? Beep Boop Bop!, -My Girlfriend told me she didn't want anything for Birthday I didn't give her anything :O ThugLife, -What have you got if your pet kangaroo gets into molasses and Indian curry? An Indian goo roo, -I would think you'd have to be open minded... ...to be a brain surgeon., -I fell off a forty foot ladder today.... lucky I was on the bottom rung., -Where did Napoleon Bonaparte keep his armies? In his sleevies., -what did socrates learn from the T-rex? i dino, -Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out the burning ducks., -What do cows like on their hotdogs? MOOstard., -Broom advocates for cleaner work environment., -I was watching a TV program on various Religious orders and how the use stringed instruments. I was appalled by the amount of sects and violins!, -If you give a mouse a cookie.. If you give a mouse a cookie.. Why are you giving a mouse any food? That's unsanitary., -What happens if you pass gas in church? You have to sit in your own pew., -Whats the best thing to put into a pie? Your teeth!, -I have to find a new personal trainer. He didn't do squat., -Wanna hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in a mud puddle., -A funny bird is the pelican His beak can hold more than his belly can He can hold in his beak Enough for a week And I don't know how the heck he can!, -Where do dinosaurs get their pickles from? Vlasic Park, -What's the difference between a fish and a guitar? You can't tuna fish!, -What do you call two crows? Attempted murder., -What do you call a t-shirt with stalks of wheat on it? A crop top!, -What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef., -What is the scientific name for a crippled tyrannosaurus rex ? Tywalkasoreus Rex, -What type pf culture is most peaceful and never gets angry? Nomads!, -I tried to change my password to 14days... The computer said it was two week., -"2 fish in a tank, one says to the other Do you know how to drive this thing?", -Knock knock - Who's there? - Impatient cow. - Impatient co- - He already left., -Why were the Libyans eating money? They were having dinar., -Why can't you hear it when a pteranodon goes to the bathroom? Because they're all dead., -why was the rabbit promoted to brewmaster? All his beers had a lot of hops, -What is Captain Ahab's favorite reggae band? Bob Marley and The Whalers!, -Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous? Hollywood., -"bad scary film I was watching a really poorly done scary movie last night, it was horrorble.", -What did batman say to robin before robin got in the car? get in the car, -Why did the strawberry go out with the pineapple? Because he couldn't get a date!, -Why did the buddhist refuse novocaine when he went to get a tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication., -What happens when you don't serve drinks at a party? There's no punch line., -I just read this article about short term memory I don't remember what it was about, -Did you hear about the farmer that fell into the field machine and lost half his body? He's all right now! :-), -Accidental Seafood I tried dolphin once...but not on porpoise., -"Did you hear about the wedding between the two antenna? The service was terrible, but the reception was great.", -What state do most people live in? Denial. Myself included., -whats brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre, -Why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks? Because they are a little meteor, -What does a hawk call a high ledge A falcony!, -What did the German policeman say to his nipples? You are under a vest!, -Someone talked to me today about having two X chromosomes. Typical woman., -"If you're American, when are you not American? When European. Or when you're Russian. Any more?", -"A mathematician was constipated, how did he solve his problem? He worked it out with a pencil and paper.", -What do you call a barbarian you can't see? an Invisigoth., -Where did the seaweed find a job? In the Kelp Wanted section of the want-ads., -How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles, -Who is the roundest knight at King Arthur's table? Sir Cumference., -I know a guy who collects candy canes... ...they are all in mint condition., -I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down., -Why do the French like eating snails? Because they can't stand fast food!, -What does a Jedi say after a tragic loss of life? May my thoughts be with them., -What do you call an alien in a swamp? A MARSHian, -Will Smith joke How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prince..., -"One time, a cow saved my life It was bovine intervention.", -Why should you always knock before opening the refrigerator? Because there might be an Italian dressing., -What did the rubber band factory worker say when he was fired? Oh snap!, -Why did the rap battle champion get the most spacious and accessible seat on the bus? Because of his dis-ability., -What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck., -"We always bought our cars used, this one was as black as the night- -that is, until we washed it!!!", -I feed my cat lemons. He's a real sour puss., -I thought the dryer shrank my clothes.. turns out it was the refrigerator, -"I was driving today... And saw a sign that said, Steamed Crabs. I began to wonder: What made them so mad?", -"My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.", -What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious., -What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Rubber-Toe! , -What do you call the ultimate fish doctor? The Sturgeon General, -How did the firefly feel when he flew into the fan? He was de-lighted, -Why couldn't the pony sing? He was a little horse., -What did the horse say when he fell over? Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up., -What happens when you steamroll Batman and Robin? They become flatman and ribbon., -Why did the melon try so hard to get her father's approval? Because she cant-aloupe, -"My girl asks why I love chocolate so much. Well, I have several Reisens...", -I finally finished baby proofing the house. Let's see those babies get in here now., -My friend says she's doing good but she means well, -Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? For Drizzle, -What do vegan zombies eat? Graaaaains!, -"Schooner or later, sailors... ...engage in rudder nonsense.", -What's a pirate's favorite letter? The C., -What happened to the butched after he backed into the meat grinder? he got a little behind in his work, -I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket... How far do you think I can kick this bucket?!, -Knock knock -Who's there? Ash -Ash who? Bless you.. P.S. kids love it, -What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell, -"If all of Ireland sank, what part of it wouldn't? County Cork", -Knock knock! Who's there? Tank Tank who? You're welcome, -This Post just says it all! It all., -What kind of music does a printer make? A paper jam., -My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast., -Why did the superhero make a lot of shredded cheese? It was for the grater good., -What mysterious hair product does Lucifer use to keep himself looking good? Arcane-gel!, -Overheard: Augustus Caesar on New Year's Day: I keep writing 'B.C.' on all my checks., -What did the mom say to her son when he said he didn't want any of her flippin' pancakes? Fine. They will just be burnt on one side., -What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office., -You can tune a guitar... but you can't tuna fish!, -What has two arms and 14 legs? Guy who collects legs., -How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!, -Why didn't Silento knock before coming inside? Because you already know who it's isss! My little sister told me this joke., - Where do noodles get their nails done? At the spa-getti., -What do you call a dog in a diving bell? A sub-woofer, -What do you get when you sit on a potato? A potato wedge! , -Do you guys/gals like horse jokes? Yeah or neeiiigghh?, -What did one duck say to the other? Quack!, -How did the pilot like his hotdog? Plane., -"A horse walks into a bar, orders a beer. The bartender says, Why the long face? And the horse answers, They've started a round of layoffs at the plant.", -Why did the Buddhist monk refuse Novocain? Because he wanted to transcend dental medication., -"Wise man once say... He who runs in front of car will get tired, He who runs behind car will get exhausted.", -My buddy says he is the world's worst at self-deprecating humor. he worried once he was too modest. Then realized he was wrong., -"What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call it, it won't come.", -I support farming and math... I'm pro-tractor., -How do you make a computer your best friend? You buy it a nice bunch of software and get it loaded!, -"What do you call a dog with no legs? Don't bother, he's not coming.", -Every journey has a beginning. -ahem- Just a small town girl Living in a lonely world..., -What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause., -Never play poker with a pieces of paper. They're bound to fold., -Why do Hutus hate Dustin Hoffman? He impersonated a Tootsie., -A Thanksgiving Joke What did the turkey say about the television program from the 1950s? There's a little bit too much grayvy., -What's invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts, -What did one wall say to the other wall? I`ll meet you at the corner., -What's the most beautiful thing in mathematics? A cute angle, -A dog with only 3 legs walks into a saloon in the Old West He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw., -I used to be addicted... to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around , -The three unwritten rules of /r/cleanjokes are: 1. 2. 3., -"Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, Bach, Bach, Bach", -"Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken Sedan.", -Someone sly sheared sleeping sheep. Talk about shear terror., -Did ya hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field, -Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don't C, -Just went to an emotional wedding Even the cake was in tiers., -Why does Snoop Dog carry and umbrella? Fo-Drizzle, -"How do you know you put the right joke in the right thread? Don't worry, someone will tell you.", -What do you call a camel with 3 humps? Humphrey. , -Two fish in a tank. One asks: How do you drive this thing?, -Stay strong! I said to my wi-fi signal., -Why was the tomato blushing? Because it saw the salad dressing!, -What is heavy forward but not backward? ton, diff --git a/data/datasets/movie data.json b/data/datasets/movie data.json deleted file mode 100644 index e8acd2b..0000000 --- a/data/datasets/movie data.json +++ /dev/null @@ -1,41 +0,0 @@ -{ - "The Lego Movie": { - "Year": "07 Feb 2014", - "rated": "PG", - "runTime": "100 min", - "genre": "Animation, Action, Adventure", - "director": "Phil Lord, Christopher Miller", - "writer": "Phil Lord, Christopher Miller, Dan Hageman", - "actors": "Chris Pratt, Will Ferrell, Elizabeth Banks", - "plot": "An ordinary LEGO construction worker, thought to be the prophesied as \"special\", is recruited to join a quest to stop an evil tyrant from gluing the LEGO universe into eternal stasis.", - "languages": "English, Turkish", - "awards": "Nominated for 1 Oscar. 72 wins & 67 nominations total", - "rate": "96%" - }, - "The Terminator": { - "Year": "26 Oct 1984", - "rated": "R", - "runTime": "107 min", - "genre": "Action, Sci-Fi", - "director": "James Cameron", - "writer": "James Cameron, Gale Anne Hurd, William Wisher", - "actors": "Arnold Schwarzenegger, Linda Hamilton, Michael Biehn", - "plot": "A human soldier is sent from 2029 to 1984 to stop an almost indestructible cyborg killing machine, sent from the same year, which has been programmed to execute a young woman whose unborn son is the key to humanity's future salvat...", - "languages": "English, Spanish", - "awards": "8 wins & 7 nominations", - "rate": "100%" - }, - "Terminator 2: Judgment Day": { - "Year": "03 Jul 1991", - "rated": "R", - "runTime": "137 min", - "genre": "Action, Sci-Fi", - "director": "James Cameron", - "writer": "James Cameron, William Wisher", - "actors": "Arnold Schwarzenegger, Linda Hamilton, Edward Furlong", - "plot": "A cyborg, identical to the one who failed to kill Sarah Connor, must now protect her ten year old son John from an even more advanced and powerful cyborg.", - "languages": "English, Spanish", - "awards": "Won 4 Oscars. 38 wins & 33 nominations total", - "rate": "91%" - } -} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/datasets/recipies.json b/data/datasets/recipies.json deleted file mode 100644 index ce2ad2f..0000000 --- a/data/datasets/recipies.json +++ /dev/null @@ -1,16657 +0,0 @@ -[ - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52768", - "strMeal": "Apple Frangipan Tart", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Preheat the oven to 200C/180C Fan/Gas 6.\r\nPut the biscuits in a large re-sealable freezer bag and bash with a rolling pin into fine crumbs. Melt the butter in a small pan, then add the biscuit crumbs and stir until coated with butter. Tip into the tart tin and, using the back of a spoon, press over the base and sides of the tin to give an even layer. Chill in the fridge while you make the filling.\r\nCream together the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. You can do this in a food processor if you have one. Process for 2-3 minutes. Mix in the eggs, then add the ground almonds and almond extract and blend until well combined.\r\nPeel the apples, and cut thin slices of apple. Do this at the last minute to prevent the apple going brown. Arrange the slices over the biscuit base. Spread the frangipane filling evenly on top. Level the surface and sprinkle with the flaked almonds.\r\nBake for 20-25 minutes until golden-brown and set.\r\nRemove from the oven and leave to cool for 15 minutes. Remove the sides of the tin. An easy way to do this is to stand the tin on a can of beans and push down gently on the edges of the tin.\r\nTransfer the tart, with the tin base attached, to a serving plate. Serve warm with cream, cr\u00e8me fraiche or ice cream.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wxywrq1468235067.jpg", - "strTags": "Tart,Baking,Fruity", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rp8Slv4INLk", - "strIngredient1": "digestive biscuits", - "strIngredient2": "butter", - "strIngredient3": "Bramley apples", - "strIngredient4": "butter, softened", - "strIngredient5": "caster sugar", - "strIngredient6": "free-range eggs, beaten", - "strIngredient7": "ground almonds", - "strIngredient8": "almond extract", - "strIngredient9": "flaked almonds", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "175g/6oz", - "strMeasure2": "75g/3oz", - "strMeasure3": "200g/7oz", - "strMeasure4": "75g/3oz", - "strMeasure5": "75g/3oz", - "strMeasure6": "2", - "strMeasure7": "75g/3oz", - "strMeasure8": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure9": "50g/1\u00beoz", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": null, - "strMeasure17": null, - "strMeasure18": null, - "strMeasure19": null, - "strMeasure20": null, - "strSource": null, - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52893", - "strMeal": "Apple & Blackberry Crumble", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 190C/170C fan/gas 5. Tip the flour and sugar into a large bowl. Add the butter, then rub into the flour using your fingertips to make a light breadcrumb texture. Do not overwork it or the crumble will become heavy. Sprinkle the mixture evenly over a baking sheet and bake for 15 mins or until lightly coloured.\r\nMeanwhile, for the compote, peel, core and cut the apples into 2cm dice. Put the butter and sugar in a medium saucepan and melt together over a medium heat. Cook for 3 mins until the mixture turns to a light caramel. Stir in the apples and cook for 3 mins. Add the blackberries and cinnamon, and cook for 3 mins more. Cover, remove from the heat, then leave for 2-3 mins to continue cooking in the warmth of the pan.\r\nTo serve, spoon the warm fruit into an ovenproof gratin dish, top with the crumble mix, then reheat in the oven for 5-10 mins. Serve with vanilla ice cream.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xvsurr1511719182.jpg", - "strTags": "Pudding", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vhcOwVBDO4", - "strIngredient1": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Butter", - "strIngredient4": "Braeburn Apples", - "strIngredient5": "Butter", - "strIngredient6": "Demerara Sugar", - "strIngredient7": "Blackberrys", - "strIngredient8": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient9": "Ice Cream", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "120g", - "strMeasure2": "60g", - "strMeasure3": "60g", - "strMeasure4": "300g", - "strMeasure5": "30g", - "strMeasure6": "30g", - "strMeasure7": "120g", - "strMeasure8": "\u00bc teaspoon", - "strMeasure9": "to serve", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/778642/apple-and-blackberry-crumble", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53049", - "strMeal": "Apam balik", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "Malaysian", - "strInstructions": "Mix milk, oil and egg together. Sift flour, baking powder and salt into the mixture. Stir well until all ingredients are combined evenly.\r\n\r\nSpread some batter onto the pan. Spread a thin layer of batter to the side of the pan. Cover the pan for 30-60 seconds until small air bubbles appear.\r\n\r\nAdd butter, cream corn, crushed peanuts and sugar onto the pancake. Fold the pancake into half once the bottom surface is browned.\r\n\r\nCut into wedges and best eaten when it is warm.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/adxcbq1619787919.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6R8ffRRJcrg", - "strIngredient1": "Milk", - "strIngredient2": "Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Eggs", - "strIngredient4": "Flour", - "strIngredient5": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient6": "Salt", - "strIngredient7": "Unsalted Butter", - "strIngredient8": "Sugar", - "strIngredient9": "Peanut Butter", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "200ml", - "strMeasure2": "60ml", - "strMeasure3": "2", - "strMeasure4": "1600g", - "strMeasure5": "3 tsp", - "strMeasure6": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure7": "25g", - "strMeasure8": "45g", - "strMeasure9": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.nyonyacooking.com/recipes/apam-balik~SJ5WuvsDf9WQ", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53050", - "strMeal": "Ayam Percik", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Malaysian", - "strInstructions": "In a blender, add the ingredients for the spice paste and blend until smooth.\r\nOver medium heat, pour the spice paste in a skillet or pan and fry for 10 minutes until fragrant. Add water or oil 1 tablespoon at a time if the paste becomes too dry. Don't burn the paste. Lower the fire slightly if needed.\r\nAdd the cloves, cardamom, tamarind pulp, coconut milk, water, sugar and salt. Turn the heat up and bring the mixture to boil. Turn the heat to medium low and simmer for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally. It will reduce slightly. This is the marinade/sauce, so taste and adjust seasoning if necessary. Don't worry if it's slightly bitter. It will go away when roasting.\r\nWhen the marinade/sauce has cooled, pour everything over the chicken and marinate overnight to two days.\r\nPreheat the oven to 425 F.\r\nRemove the chicken from the marinade. Spoon the marinade onto a greased (or aluminum lined) baking sheet. Lay the chicken on top of the sauce (make sure the chicken covers the sauce and the sauce isn't exposed or it'll burn) and spread the remaining marinade on the chicken. Roast for 35-45 minutes or until internal temp of the thickest part of chicken is at least 175 F.\r\nLet chicken rest for 5 minutes. Brush the chicken with some of the oil. Serve chicken with the sauce over steamed rice (or coconut rice).", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/020z181619788503.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ytR28QK6I8", - "strIngredient1": "Chicken Thighs", - "strIngredient2": "Challots", - "strIngredient3": "Ginger", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient5": "Cayenne Pepper", - "strIngredient6": "Turmeric", - "strIngredient7": "Cumin", - "strIngredient8": "Coriander", - "strIngredient9": "Fennel", - "strIngredient10": "Tamarind Paste", - "strIngredient11": "Coconut Milk", - "strIngredient12": "Sugar", - "strIngredient13": "Water", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "6", - "strMeasure2": "16", - "strMeasure3": "1 1/2 ", - "strMeasure4": "6", - "strMeasure5": "8", - "strMeasure6": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "1 1/2 ", - "strMeasure8": "1 1/2 ", - "strMeasure9": "1 1/2 ", - "strMeasure10": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure11": "1 can ", - "strMeasure12": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure13": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "http://www.curiousnut.com/roasted-spiced-chicken-ayam-percik/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52767", - "strMeal": "Bakewell tart", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "To make the pastry, measure the flour into a bowl and rub in the butter with your fingertips until the mixture resembles fine breadcrumbs. Add the water, mixing to form a soft dough.\r\nRoll out the dough on a lightly floured work surface and use to line a 20cm/8in flan tin. Leave in the fridge to chill for 30 minutes.\r\nPreheat the oven to 200C/400F/Gas 6 (180C fan).\r\nLine the pastry case with foil and fill with baking beans. Bake blind for about 15 minutes, then remove the beans and foil and cook for a further five minutes to dry out the base.\r\nFor the filing, spread the base of the flan generously with raspberry jam.\r\nMelt the butter in a pan, take off the heat and then stir in the sugar. Add ground almonds, egg and almond extract. Pour into the flan tin and sprinkle over the flaked almonds.\r\nBake for about 35 minutes. If the almonds seem to be browning too quickly, cover the tart loosely with foil to prevent them burning.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wyrqqq1468233628.jpg", - "strTags": "Tart,Baking,Alcoholic", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ahpSTf_Pvk", - "strIngredient1": "plain flour", - "strIngredient2": "chilled butter", - "strIngredient3": "cold water", - "strIngredient4": "raspberry jam", - "strIngredient5": "butter", - "strIngredient6": "caster sugar", - "strIngredient7": "ground almonds", - "strIngredient8": "free-range egg, beaten", - "strIngredient9": "almond extract", - "strIngredient10": "flaked almonds", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "175g/6oz", - "strMeasure2": "75g/2\u00bdoz", - "strMeasure3": "2-3 tbsp", - "strMeasure4": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure5": "125g/4\u00bdoz", - "strMeasure6": "125g/4\u00bdoz", - "strMeasure7": "125g/4\u00bdoz", - "strMeasure8": "1", - "strMeasure9": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure10": "50g/1\u00beoz", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": null, - "strMeasure17": null, - "strMeasure18": null, - "strMeasure19": null, - "strMeasure20": null, - "strSource": null, - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52792", - "strMeal": "Bread and Butter Pudding", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Grease a 1 litre/2 pint pie dish with butter.\r\nCut the crusts off the bread. Spread each slice with on one side with butter, then cut into triangles.\r\nArrange a layer of bread, buttered-side up, in the bottom of the dish, then add a layer of sultanas. Sprinkle with a little cinnamon, then repeat the layers of bread and sultanas, sprinkling with cinnamon, until you have used up all of the bread. Finish with a layer of bread, then set aside.\r\nGently warm the milk and cream in a pan over a low heat to scalding point. Don't let it boil.\r\nCrack the eggs into a bowl, add three quarters of the sugar and lightly whisk until pale.\r\nAdd the warm milk and cream mixture and stir well, then strain the custard into a bowl.\r\nPour the custard over the prepared bread layers and sprinkle with nutmeg and the remaining sugar and leave to stand for 30 minutes.\r\nPreheat the oven to 180C/355F/Gas 4.\r\nPlace the dish into the oven and bake for 30-40 minutes, or until the custard has set and the top is golden-brown.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xqwwpy1483908697.jpg", - "strTags": "Pudding,Brunch", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vz5W1-BmOE4", - "strIngredient1": "butter", - "strIngredient2": "bread", - "strIngredient3": "sultanas", - "strIngredient4": "cinnamon", - "strIngredient5": "milk", - "strIngredient6": "double cream", - "strIngredient7": "eggs", - "strIngredient8": "sugar", - "strIngredient9": "nutmeg", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "25g/1oz", - "strMeasure2": "8 thin slices", - "strMeasure3": "50g/2oz", - "strMeasure4": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure5": "350ml/12fl", - "strMeasure6": "50ml/2fl oz", - "strMeasure7": "2 free-range", - "strMeasure8": "25g/1oz", - "strMeasure9": "grated, to taste", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1018529-coq-au-vin", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52803", - "strMeal": "Beef Wellington", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Put the mushrooms into a food processor with some seasoning and pulse to a rough paste. Scrape the paste into a pan and cook over a high heat for about 10 mins, tossing frequently, to cook out the moisture from the mushrooms. Spread out on a plate to cool.\r\nHeat in a frying pan and add a little olive oil. Season the beef and sear in the hot pan for 30 secs only on each side. (You don't want to cook it at this stage, just colour it). Remove the beef from the pan and leave to cool, then brush all over with the mustard.\r\nLay a sheet of cling film on a work surface and arrange the Parma ham slices on it, in slightly overlapping rows. With a palette knife, spread the mushroom paste over the ham, then place the seared beef fillet in the middle. Keeping a tight hold of the cling film from the edge, neatly roll the Parma ham and mushrooms around the beef to form a tight barrel shape. Twist the ends of the cling film to secure. Chill for 15-20 mins to allow the beef to set and keep its shape.\r\nRoll out the puff pastry on a floured surface to a large rectangle, the thickness of a \u00a31 coin. Remove the cling film from the beef, then lay in the centre. Brush the surrounding pastry with egg yolk. Fold the ends over, the wrap the pastry around the beef, cutting off any excess. Turn over, so the seam is underneath, and place on a baking sheet. Brush over all the pastry with egg and chill for about 15 mins to let the pastry rest.\r\nHeat the oven to 200C, 400F, gas 6.\r\nLightly score the pastry at 1cm intervals and glaze again with beaten egg yolk. Bake for 20 minutes, then lower the oven setting to 180C, 350F, gas 4 and cook for another 15 mins. Allow to rest for 10-15 mins before slicing and serving with the side dishes of your choice. The beef should still be pink in the centre when you serve it.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vvpprx1487325699.jpg", - "strTags": "Meat,Stew", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FS8u1RBdf6I", - "strIngredient1": "mushrooms", - "strIngredient2": "English Mustard", - "strIngredient3": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Beef Fillet", - "strIngredient5": "Parma ham", - "strIngredient6": "Puff Pastry", - "strIngredient7": "Flour", - "strIngredient8": "Egg Yolks", - "strIngredient9": null, - "strIngredient10": null, - "strIngredient11": null, - "strIngredient12": null, - "strIngredient13": null, - "strIngredient14": null, - "strIngredient15": null, - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "400g", - "strMeasure2": "1-2tbsp", - "strMeasure3": "Dash", - "strMeasure4": "750g piece", - "strMeasure5": "6-8 slices", - "strMeasure6": "500g", - "strMeasure7": "Dusting", - "strMeasure8": "2 Beaten ", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/recipes/164868/Gordon-Ramsay-s-beef-Wellington", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52807", - "strMeal": "Baingan Bharta", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Indian", - "strInstructions": "Rinse the baingan (eggplant or aubergine) in water. Pat dry with a kitchen napkin. Apply some oil all over and\r\nkeep it for roasting on an open flame. You can also grill the baingan or roast in the oven. But then you won't get\r\nthe smoky flavor of the baingan. Keep the eggplant turning after a 2 to 3 minutes on the flame, so that its evenly\r\ncooked. You could also embed some garlic cloves in the baingan and then roast it.\r\n2. Roast the aubergine till its completely cooked and tender. With a knife check the doneness. The knife should slid\r\neasily in aubergines without any resistance. Remove the baingan and immerse in a bowl of water till it cools\r\ndown.\r\n3. You can also do the dhungar technique of infusing charcoal smoky flavor in the baingan. This is an optional step.\r\nUse natural charcoal for this method. Heat a small piece of charcoal on flame till it becomes smoking hot and red.\r\n4. Make small cuts on the baingan with a knife. Place the red hot charcoal in the same plate where the roasted\r\naubergine is kept. Add a few drops of oil on the charcoal. The charcoal would begin to smoke.\r\n5. As soon as smoke begins to release from the charcoal, cover the entire plate tightly with a large bowl. Allow the\r\ncharcoal smoke to get infused for 1 to 2 minutes. The more you do, the more smoky the baingan bharta will\r\nbecome. I just keep for a minute. Alternatively, you can also do this dhungar method once the baingan bharta is\r\ncooked, just like the way we do for Dal Tadka.\r\n6. Peel the skin from the roasted and smoked eggplant.\r\n7. Chop the cooked eggplant finely or you can even mash it.\r\n8. In a kadai or pan, heat oil. Then add finely chopped onions and garlic.\r\n9. Saute the onions till translucent. Don't brown them.\r\n10. Add chopped green chilies and saute for a minute.\r\n11. Add the chopped tomatoes and mix it well.\r\n12. Bhuno (saute) the tomatoes till the oil starts separating from the mixture.\r\n13. Now add the red chili powder. Stir and mix well.\r\n14. Add the chopped cooked baingan.\r\n15. Stir and mix the chopped baingan very well with the onion\u00adtomato masala mixture.\r\n16. Season with salt. Stir and saute for some more 4 to 5 minutes more.\r\n17. Finally stir in the coriander leaves with the baingan bharta or garnish it with them. Serve Baingan Bharta with\r\nphulkas, rotis or chapatis. It goes well even with bread, toasted or grilled bread and plain rice or jeera rice.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/urtpqw1487341253.jpg", - "strTags": "Spicy,Bun,Calorific", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-84Zz2EP4h4", - "strIngredient1": "Aubergine", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Tomatoes", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Green Chili", - "strIngredient6": "Red Chili Powder", - "strIngredient7": "Oil", - "strIngredient8": "Coriander Leaves", - "strIngredient9": "salt", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 large", - "strMeasure2": "\u00bd cup ", - "strMeasure3": "1 cup", - "strMeasure4": "6 cloves", - "strMeasure5": "1", - "strMeasure6": "\u00bc teaspoon", - "strMeasure7": "1.5 tablespoon", - "strMeasure8": "1 tablespoon chopped", - "strMeasure9": "as required", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.vegrecipesofindia.com/baingan-bharta-recipe-punjabi-baingan-bharta-recipe/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52812", - "strMeal": "Beef Brisket Pot Roast", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "1 Prepare the brisket for cooking: On one side of the brisket there should be a layer of fat, which you want. If there are any large chunks of fat, cut them off and discard them. Large pieces of fat will not be able to render out completely.\r\nUsing a sharp knife, score the fat in parallel lines, about 3/4-inch apart. Slice through the fat, not the beef. Repeat in the opposite direction to make a cross-hatch pattern.\r\nSalt the brisket well and let it sit at room temperature for 30 minutes.\r\n \r\n2 Sear the brisket: You'll need an oven-proof, thick-bottomed pot with a cover, or Dutch oven, that is just wide enough to hold the brisket roast with a little room for the onions.\r\nPat the brisket dry and place it, fatty side down, into the pot and place it on medium high heat. Cook for 5-8 minutes, lightly sizzling, until the fat side is nicely browned. (If the roast seems to be cooking too fast, turn the heat down to medium. You want a steady sizzle, not a raging sear.)\r\nTurn the brisket over and cook for a few minutes more to brown the other side.\r\n\r\n3 Saut\u00e9 the onions and garlic: When the brisket has browned, remove it from the pot and set aside. There should be a couple tablespoons of fat rendered in the pot, if not, add some olive oil.\r\nAdd the chopped onions and increase the heat to high. Sprinkle a little salt on the onions. Saut\u00e9, stirring often, until the onions are lightly browned, 5-8 minutes. Stir in the garlic and cook 1-2 more minutes.\r\n \r\n4 Return brisket to pot, add herbs, stock, bring to simmer, cover, cook in oven: Preheat the oven to 300\u00b0F. Use kitchen twine to tie together the bay leaves, rosemary and thyme.\r\nMove the onions and garlic to the sides of the pot and nestle the brisket inside. Add the beef stock and the tied-up herbs. Bring the stock to a boil on the stovetop.\r\nCover the pot, place the pot in the 300\u00b0F oven and cook for 3 hours. Carefully flip the brisket every hour so it cooks evenly.\r\n \r\n5 Add carrots, continue to cook: After 3 hours, add the carrots. Cover the pot and cook for 1 hour more, or until the carrots are cooked through and the brisket is falling-apart tender.\r\n6 Remove brisket to cutting board, tent with foil: When the brisket is falling-apart tender, take the pot out of the oven and remove the brisket to a cutting board. Cover it with foil. Pull out and discard the herbs.\r\n7 Make sauce (optional): At this point you have two options. You can serve as is, or you can make a sauce with the drippings and some of the onions. If you serve as is, skip this step.\r\nTo make a sauce, remove the carrots and half of the onions, set aside and cover them with foil. Pour the ingredients that are remaining into the pot into a blender, and pur\u00e9e until smooth. If you want, add 1 tablespoon of mustard to the mix. Put into a small pot and keep warm.\r\n8 Slice the meat across the grain: Notice the lines of the muscle fibers of the roast. This is the \"grain\" of the meat. Slice the meat perpendicular to these lines, or across the grain (cutting this way further tenderizes the meat), in 1/4-inch to 1/2-inch slices.\r\nServe with the onions, carrots and gravy. Serve with mashed, roasted or boiled potatoes, egg noodles or polenta.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ursuup1487348423.jpg", - "strTags": "Meat", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gh48wM6bPWQ", - "strIngredient1": "Beef Brisket", - "strIngredient2": "Salt", - "strIngredient3": "Onion", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Thyme", - "strIngredient6": "Rosemary", - "strIngredient7": "Bay Leaves", - "strIngredient8": "beef stock", - "strIngredient9": "Carrots", - "strIngredient10": "Mustard", - "strIngredient11": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient12": null, - "strIngredient13": null, - "strIngredient14": null, - "strIngredient15": null, - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "4-5 pound", - "strMeasure2": "Dash", - "strMeasure3": "3", - "strMeasure4": "5 cloves", - "strMeasure5": "1 Sprig", - "strMeasure6": "1 sprig ", - "strMeasure7": "4", - "strMeasure8": "2 cups", - "strMeasure9": "3 Large", - "strMeasure10": "1 Tbsp", - "strMeasure11": "4 Mashed", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/beef_brisket_pot_roast/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52824", - "strMeal": "Beef Sunday Roast", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Cook the Broccoli and Carrots in a pan of boiling water until tender.\r\n\r\nRoast the Beef and Potatoes in the oven for 45mins, the potatoes may need to be checked regularly to not overcook.\r\n\r\nTo make the Yorkshire puddings:\r\nHeat oven to 230C/fan 210C/gas 8. Drizzle a little sunflower oil evenly into 2 x 4-hole Yorkshire pudding tins or a 12-hole non-stick muffin tin and place in the oven to heat through\r\nTo make the batter, tip 140g plain flour into a bowl and beat in four eggs until smooth. Gradually add 200ml milk and carry on beating until the mix is completely lump-free. Season with salt and pepper. Pour the batter into a jug, then remove the hot tins from the oven. Carefully and evenly pour the batter into the holes. Place the tins back in the oven and leave undisturbed for 20-25 mins until the puddings have puffed up and browned. Serve immediately.\r\n\r\nPlate up and add the Gravy as desired.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ssrrrs1503664277.jpg", - "strTags": "MainMeal", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2l3-dBdNehY", - "strIngredient1": "Beef", - "strIngredient2": "Broccoli", - "strIngredient3": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient4": "Carrots", - "strIngredient5": "plain flour", - "strIngredient6": "Eggs", - "strIngredient7": "milk", - "strIngredient8": "sunflower oil", - "strIngredient9": null, - "strIngredient10": null, - "strIngredient11": null, - "strIngredient12": null, - "strIngredient13": null, - "strIngredient14": null, - "strIngredient15": null, - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "8 slices", - "strMeasure2": "12 florets", - "strMeasure3": "1 Packet", - "strMeasure4": "1 Packet", - "strMeasure5": "140g", - "strMeasure6": "4", - "strMeasure7": "200ml", - "strMeasure8": "drizzle (for cooking)", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/9020/best-yorkshire-puddings", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52826", - "strMeal": "Braised Beef Chilli", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Mexican", - "strInstructions": "Preheat the oven to 120C/225F/gas mark 1.\r\n\r\nTake the meat out of the fridge to de-chill. Pulse the onions and garlic in a food processor until finely chopped. Heat 2 tbsp olive oil in a large casserole and sear the meat on all sides until golden.\r\n\r\nSet to one side and add another small slug of oil to brown the chorizo. Remove and add the onion and garlic, spices, herbs and chillies then cook until soft in the chorizo oil. Season with salt and pepper and add the vinegar, tomatoes, ketchup and sugar.\r\n\r\nPut all the meat back into the pot with 400ml water (or red wine if you prefer), bring up to a simmer and cook, covered, in the low oven.\r\n\r\nAfter 2 hours, check the meat and add the beans. Cook for a further hour and just before serving, pull the meat apart with a pair of forks.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/uuqvwu1504629254.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4kSoJgsu6Y", - "strIngredient1": "Beef", - "strIngredient2": "Onions", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Olive oil", - "strIngredient5": "Chorizo", - "strIngredient6": "Cumin", - "strIngredient7": "All spice", - "strIngredient8": "Cloves", - "strIngredient9": "Cinnamon stick", - "strIngredient10": "Bay Leaves", - "strIngredient11": "Oregano", - "strIngredient12": "Ancho Chillies", - "strIngredient13": "Balsamic Vinegar", - "strIngredient14": "Plum Tomatoes", - "strIngredient15": "Tomato Ketchup", - "strIngredient16": "Dark Brown Sugar", - "strIngredient17": "Borlotti Beans", - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "1kg", - "strMeasure2": "3", - "strMeasure3": "4 cloves", - "strMeasure4": "Dash", - "strMeasure5": "300g", - "strMeasure6": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure7": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure9": "1 large", - "strMeasure10": "3", - "strMeasure11": "2 tsp dried", - "strMeasure12": "2 ancho", - "strMeasure13": "3 tbsp", - "strMeasure14": "2 x 400g", - "strMeasure15": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure16": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure17": "2 x 400g tins", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.telegraph.co.uk/food-and-drink/recipes/braised-beef-chilli-con-carne/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52834", - "strMeal": "Beef stroganoff", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Russian", - "strInstructions": "Heat the olive oil in a non-stick frying pan then add the sliced onion and cook on a medium heat until completely softened, so around 15 mins, adding a little splash of water if they start to stick at all. Crush in the garlic and cook for a 2-3 mins further, then add the butter. Once the butter is foaming a little, add the mushrooms and cook for around 5 mins until completely softened. Season everything well, then tip onto a plate.\r\nTip the flour into a bowl with a big pinch of salt and pepper, then toss the steak in the seasoned flour. Add the steak pieces to the pan, splashing in a little oil if the pan looks particularly dry, and fry for 3-4 mins, until well coloured. Tip the onions and mushrooms back into the pan. Whisk the cr\u00e8me fra\u00eeche, mustard and beef stock together, then pour into the pan. Cook over a medium heat for around 5 mins. Scatter with parsley, then serve with pappardelle or rice.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/svprys1511176755.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQHgQX1Ss74", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Onions", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Butter", - "strIngredient5": "Mushrooms", - "strIngredient6": "Beef Fillet", - "strIngredient7": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient8": "Creme Fraiche", - "strIngredient9": "English Mustard", - "strIngredient10": "Beef Stock", - "strIngredient11": "Parsley", - "strIngredient12": null, - "strIngredient13": null, - "strIngredient14": null, - "strIngredient15": null, - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure2": "1", - "strMeasure3": "1 clove", - "strMeasure4": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure5": "250g", - "strMeasure6": "500g", - "strMeasure7": "1tbsp", - "strMeasure8": "150g", - "strMeasure9": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure10": "100ml", - "strMeasure11": "Topping", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/beef-stroganoff", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52842", - "strMeal": "Broccoli & Stilton soup", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Starter", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Heat the rapeseed oil in a large saucepan and then add the onions. Cook on a medium heat until soft. Add a splash of water if the onions start to catch.\r\n\r\nAdd the celery, leek, potato and a knob of butter. Stir until melted, then cover with a lid. Allow to sweat for 5 minutes. Remove the lid.\r\n\r\nPour in the stock and add any chunky bits of broccoli stalk. Cook for 10 \u2013 15 minutes until all the vegetables are soft.\r\n\r\nAdd the rest of the broccoli and cook for a further 5 minutes. Carefully transfer to a blender and blitz until smooth. Stir in the stilton, allowing a few lumps to remain. Season with black pepper and serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/tvvxpv1511191952.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HgVLpmNxTY", - "strIngredient1": "Rapeseed Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Celery", - "strIngredient4": "Leek", - "strIngredient5": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient6": "Butter", - "strIngredient7": "Vegetable Stock", - "strIngredient8": "Broccoli", - "strIngredient9": "Stilton Cheese", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure2": "1 finely chopped ", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure5": "1 medium", - "strMeasure6": "1 knob", - "strMeasure7": "1 litre hot", - "strMeasure8": "1 Head chopped", - "strMeasure9": "140g", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1940679/broccoli-and-stilton-soup", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52848", - "strMeal": "Bean & Sausage Hotpot", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Miscellaneous", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "In a large casserole, fry the sausages until brown all over \u2013 about 10 mins.\r\n\r\nAdd the tomato sauce, stirring well, then stir in the beans, treacle or sugar and mustard. Bring to the simmer, cover and cook for 30 mins. Great served with crusty bread or rice.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vxuyrx1511302687.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0YX0yPX4Wo", - "strIngredient1": "Sausages", - "strIngredient2": "Tomato Sauce", - "strIngredient3": "Butter Beans", - "strIngredient4": "Black Treacle", - "strIngredient5": "English Mustard", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "8 large", - "strMeasure2": "1 Jar", - "strMeasure3": "1200g", - "strMeasure4": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/339607/bean-and-sausage-hotpot", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52855", - "strMeal": "Banana Pancakes", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "In a bowl, mash the banana with a fork until it resembles a thick pur\u00e9e. Stir in the eggs, baking powder and vanilla.\r\nHeat a large non-stick frying pan or pancake pan over a medium heat and brush with half the oil. Using half the batter, spoon two pancakes into the pan, cook for 1-2 mins each side, then tip onto a plate. Repeat the process with the remaining oil and batter. Top the pancakes with the pecans and raspberries.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/sywswr1511383814.jpg", - "strTags": "Breakfast,Desert,Sweet", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSKtb2Sv-_U", - "strIngredient1": "Banana", - "strIngredient2": "Eggs", - "strIngredient3": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient4": "Vanilla Extract", - "strIngredient5": "Oil", - "strIngredient6": "Pecan Nuts", - "strIngredient7": "Raspberries", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 large", - "strMeasure2": "2 medium", - "strMeasure3": "pinch", - "strMeasure4": "spinkling", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "25g", - "strMeasure7": "125g", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/banana-pancakes", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52873", - "strMeal": "Beef Dumpling Stew", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Preheat the oven to 180C/350F/Gas 4.\r\n\r\nFor the beef stew, heat the oil and butter in an ovenproof casserole and fry the beef until browned on all sides.\r\n\r\nSprinkle over the flour and cook for a further 2-3 minutes.\r\n\r\nAdd the garlic and all the vegetables and fry for 1-2 minutes.\r\n\r\nStir in the wine, stock and herbs, then add the Worcestershire sauce and balsamic vinegar, to taste. Season with salt and freshly ground black pepper.\r\n\r\nCover with a lid, transfer to the oven and cook for about two hours, or until the meat is tender.\r\n\r\nFor the dumplings, sift the flour, baking powder and salt into a bowl.\r\nAdd the suet and enough water to form a thick dough.\r\n\r\nWith floured hands, roll spoonfuls of the dough into small balls.\r\n\r\nAfter two hours, remove the lid from the stew and place the balls on top of the stew. Cover, return to the oven and cook for a further 20 minutes, or until the dumplings have swollen and are tender. (If you prefer your dumplings with a golden top, leave the lid off when returning to the oven.)\r\n\r\nTo serve, place a spoonful of mashed potato onto each of four serving plates and top with the stew and dumplings. Sprinkle with chopped parsley.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/uyqrrv1511553350.jpg", - "strTags": "Stew,Baking", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NgheY-r5t0", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Beef", - "strIngredient4": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic", - "strIngredient6": "Onions", - "strIngredient7": "Celery", - "strIngredient8": "Carrots", - "strIngredient9": "Leek", - "strIngredient10": "Swede", - "strIngredient11": "Red Wine", - "strIngredient12": "Beef Stock", - "strIngredient13": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient14": "Thyme", - "strIngredient15": "Parsley", - "strIngredient16": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient17": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient18": "Suet", - "strIngredient19": "Water", - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure2": "25g", - "strMeasure3": "750g", - "strMeasure4": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure5": "2 cloves minced", - "strMeasure6": "175g", - "strMeasure7": "150g", - "strMeasure8": "150g", - "strMeasure9": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure10": "200g", - "strMeasure11": "150ml", - "strMeasure12": "500g", - "strMeasure13": "2", - "strMeasure14": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure15": "3 tblsp chopped", - "strMeasure16": "125g", - "strMeasure17": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure18": "60g", - "strMeasure19": "Splash", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/beefstewwithdumpling_87333", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52874", - "strMeal": "Beef and Mustard Pie", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Preheat the oven to 150C/300F/Gas 2.\r\nToss the beef and flour together in a bowl with some salt and black pepper.\r\nHeat a large casserole until hot, add half of the rapeseed oil and enough of the beef to just cover the bottom of the casserole.\r\nFry until browned on each side, then remove and set aside. Repeat with the remaining oil and beef.\r\nReturn the beef to the pan, add the wine and cook until the volume of liquid has reduced by half, then add the stock, onion, carrots, thyme and mustard, and season well with salt and pepper.\r\nCover with a lid and place in the oven for two hours.\r\nRemove from the oven, check the seasoning and set aside to cool. Remove the thyme.\r\nWhen the beef is cool and you're ready to assemble the pie, preheat the oven to 200C/400F/Gas 6.\r\nTransfer the beef to a pie dish, brush the rim with the beaten egg yolks and lay the pastry over the top. Brush the top of the pastry with more beaten egg.\r\nTrim the pastry so there is just enough excess to crimp the edges, then place in the oven and bake for 30 minutes, or until the pastry is golden-brown and cooked through.\r\nFor the green beans, bring a saucepan of salted water to the boil, add the beans and cook for 4-5 minutes, or until just tender.\r\nDrain and toss with the butter, then season with black pepper.\r\nTo serve, place a large spoonful of pie onto each plate with some green beans alongside.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/sytuqu1511553755.jpg", - "strTags": "Meat,Pie", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMyBC9staMU", - "strIngredient1": "Beef", - "strIngredient2": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient3": "Rapeseed Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Red Wine", - "strIngredient5": "Beef Stock", - "strIngredient6": "Onion", - "strIngredient7": "Carrots", - "strIngredient8": "Thyme", - "strIngredient9": "Mustard", - "strIngredient10": "Egg Yolks", - "strIngredient11": "Puff Pastry", - "strIngredient12": "Green Beans", - "strIngredient13": "Butter", - "strIngredient14": "Salt", - "strIngredient15": "Pepper", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1kg", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "200ml", - "strMeasure5": "400ml", - "strMeasure6": "1 finely sliced", - "strMeasure7": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure8": "3 sprigs", - "strMeasure9": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "2 free-range", - "strMeasure11": "400g", - "strMeasure12": "300g", - "strMeasure13": "25g", - "strMeasure14": "pinch", - "strMeasure15": "pinch", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/beef_and_mustard_pie_58002", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52878", - "strMeal": "Beef and Oyster pie", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Season the beef cubes with salt and black pepper. Heat a tablespoon of oil in the frying pan and fry the meat over a high heat. Do this in three batches so that you don\u2019t overcrowd the pan, transferring the meat to a large flameproof casserole dish once it is browned all over. Add extra oil if the pan seems dry.\r\nIn the same pan, add another tablespoon of oil and cook the shallots for 4-5 minutes, then add the garlic and fry for 30 seconds. Add the bacon and fry until slightly browned. Transfer the onion and bacon mixture to the casserole dish and add the herbs.\r\nPreheat the oven to 180C/350F/Gas 4.\r\nPour the stout into the frying pan and bring to the boil, stirring to lift any stuck-on browned bits from the bottom of the pan. Pour the stout over the beef in the casserole dish and add the stock. Cover the casserole and place it in the oven for 1\u00bd-2 hours, or until the beef is tender and the sauce is reduced.\r\nSkim off any surface fat, taste and add salt and pepper if necessary, then stir in the cornflour paste. Put the casserole dish on the hob \u2013 don\u2019t forget that it will be hot \u2013 and simmer for 1-2 minutes, stirring, until thickened. Leave to cool.\r\nIncrease the oven to 200C/400F/Gas 6. To make the pastry, put the flour and salt in a very large bowl. Grate the butter and stir it into the flour in three batches. Gradually add 325ml/11fl oz cold water \u2013 you may not need it all \u2013 and stir with a round-bladed knife until the mixture just comes together. Knead the pastry lightly into a ball on a lightly floured surface and set aside 250g/9oz for the pie lid.\r\nRoll the rest of the pastry out until about 2cm/\u00bein larger than the dish you\u2019re using. Line the dish with the pastry then pile in the filling, tucking the oysters in as well. Brush the edge of the pastry with beaten egg.\r\nRoll the remaining pastry until slightly larger than your dish and gently lift over the filling, pressing the edges firmly to seal, then trim with a sharp knife. Brush with beaten egg to glaze. Put the dish on a baking tray and bake for 25-30 minutes, or until the pastry is golden-brown and the filling is bubbling.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wrssvt1511556563.jpg", - "strTags": "Pie", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONX74yP6JnI", - "strIngredient1": "Beef", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Shallots", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Bacon", - "strIngredient6": "Thyme", - "strIngredient7": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient8": "Stout", - "strIngredient9": "Beef Stock", - "strIngredient10": "Corn Flour", - "strIngredient11": "Oysters", - "strIngredient12": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient13": "Salt", - "strIngredient14": "Butter", - "strIngredient15": "Eggs", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "900g", - "strMeasure2": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "3", - "strMeasure4": "2 cloves minced", - "strMeasure5": "125g", - "strMeasure6": "1 tbs chopped", - "strMeasure7": "2", - "strMeasure8": "330ml", - "strMeasure9": "400ml", - "strMeasure10": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure11": "8", - "strMeasure12": "400g", - "strMeasure13": "pinch", - "strMeasure14": "250g", - "strMeasure15": "To Glaze", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/beef_and_oyster_pie_65230", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52891", - "strMeal": "Blackberry Fool", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "For the biscuits, preheat the oven to 200C/180C (fan)/Gas 6 and line two large baking trays with baking parchment. Scatter the nuts over a baking tray and roast in the oven for 6-8 minutes, or until golden-brown. Watch them carefully so that they don\u2019t have a chance to burn. Remove from the oven, tip onto a board and leave to cool.\r\nPut the butter and sugar in a large bowl and beat with a wooden spoon until light and creamy. Roughly chop the cooled nuts and add to the creamed butter and sugar, along with the lemon zest, flour and baking powder. Stir well until the mixture comes together and forms a ball \u2013 you may need to use your hands.\r\nDivide the biscuit dough into 24 even pieces and roll into small balls. Place the balls the prepared baking trays, spaced well apart to allow for spreading.\r\nPress the biscuits to flatten to around 1cm/\u00bdin thick. Bake the biscuits, one tray at a time, for 12 minutes or until very pale golden-brown. Leave to cool on the trays. They will be very soft when you take them out of the oven, but will crisp as they cool.\r\nStore in an airtight tin and eat within five days.\r\nFor the fool, rinse the blackberries in a colander to wash away any dust or dirt. Put the blackberries in a non-stick saucepan and sprinkle over the caster sugar.\r\nStir in the lemon juice and heat gently for two minutes, or until the blackberries begin to soften and release their juices. Remove and reserve 12 blackberries for decoration and continue cooking the rest.\r\nSimmer the blackberries very gently for 15 minutes, stirring regularly until very soft and squidgy. Remove from the heat and press the berries and juice through a sieve over a bowl, using the bottom of a ladle to help you extract as much of the pur\u00e9e as possible. Leave the pur\u00e9e to cool and discard the seeds. You should end up with around 325ml/11fl oz of pur\u00e9e.\r\nPut the cream and yoghurt in a large bowl and whip with an electric whisk until soft peaks form when the whisk is removed from the bowl \u2013 the acidity of the fruit will thicken the cream further, so don\u2019t take it too far.\r\nWhen the pur\u00e9e is completely cold, adjust the sweetness to taste by adding more sugar if needed. Pour it into the bowl with the whipped cream and yoghurt and stir just once or twice until very lightly combined.\r\nSpoon the blackberry fool into individual wide, glass dishes \u2013 or one large, single bowl. It should look quite marbled, so don\u2019t over-stir it. Scatter a few tiny mint leaves on top and decorate with the reserved blackberries. Sprinkle with a little sugar if you like and serve with the hazelnut biscuits.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/rpvptu1511641092.jpg", - "strTags": "Desert,Summer,Fruity,Dairy", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kniRGjDLFrQ", - "strIngredient1": "Hazlenuts", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient4": "Lemon", - "strIngredient5": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient6": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient7": "Blackberrys", - "strIngredient8": "Sugar", - "strIngredient9": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient10": "Lemon Juice", - "strIngredient11": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient12": "Yogurt", - "strIngredient13": "Mint", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "50g", - "strMeasure2": "125g", - "strMeasure3": "150g", - "strMeasure4": "Grated", - "strMeasure5": "150g", - "strMeasure6": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure7": "600g", - "strMeasure8": "75g", - "strMeasure9": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure11": "300ml ", - "strMeasure12": "100ml", - "strMeasure13": "Garnish with", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/blackberry_fool_with_11859", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52894", - "strMeal": "Battenberg Cake", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 180C/160C fan/gas 4 and line the base and sides of a 20cm square tin with baking parchment (the easiest way is to cross 2 x 20cm-long strips over the base). To make the almond sponge, put the butter, sugar, flour, ground almonds, baking powder, eggs, vanilla and almond extract in a large bowl. Beat with an electric whisk until the mix comes together smoothly. Scrape into the tin, spreading to the corners, and bake for 25-30 mins \u2013 when you poke in a skewer, it should come out clean. Cool in the tin for 10 mins, then transfer to a wire rack to finish cooling while you make the second sponge.\r\nFor the pink sponge, line the tin as above. Mix all the ingredients together as above, but don\u2019t add the almond extract. Fold in some pink food colouring. Then scrape it all into the tin and bake as before. Cool.\r\nTo assemble, heat the jam in a small pan until runny, then sieve. Barely trim two opposite edges from the almond sponge, then well trim a third edge. Roughly measure the height of the sponge, then cutting from the well-trimmed edge, use a ruler to help you cut 4 slices each the same width as the sponge height. Discard or nibble leftover sponge. Repeat with pink cake.\r\nTake 2 x almond slices and 2 x pink slices and trim so they are all the same length. Roll out one marzipan block on a surface lightly dusted with icing sugar to just over 20cm wide, then keep rolling lengthways until the marzipan is roughly 0.5cm thick. Brush with apricot jam, then lay a pink and an almond slice side by side at one end of the marzipan, brushing jam in between to stick sponges, and leaving 4cm clear marzipan at the end. Brush more jam on top of the sponges, then sandwich remaining 2 slices on top, alternating colours to give a checkerboard effect. Trim the marzipan to the length of the cakes.\r\nCarefully lift up the marzipan and smooth over the cake with your hands, but leave a small marzipan fold along the bottom edge before you stick it to the first side. Trim opposite side to match size of fold, then crimp edges using fingers and thumb (or, more simply, press with prongs of fork). If you like, mark the 10 slices using the prongs of a fork.\r\nAssemble second Battenberg and keep in an airtight box or well wrapped in cling film for up to 3 days. Can be frozen for up to a month.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ywwrsp1511720277.jpg", - "strTags": "Cake,Sweet", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aB41Q7kDZQ0", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Self-raising Flour", - "strIngredient4": "Almonds", - "strIngredient5": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient6": "Eggs", - "strIngredient7": "Vanilla Extract", - "strIngredient8": "Almond Extract", - "strIngredient9": "Butter", - "strIngredient10": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient11": "Self-raising Flour", - "strIngredient12": "Almonds", - "strIngredient13": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient14": "Eggs", - "strIngredient15": "Vanilla Extract", - "strIngredient16": "Almond Extract", - "strIngredient17": "Pink Food Colouring", - "strIngredient18": "Apricot", - "strIngredient19": "Marzipan", - "strIngredient20": "Icing Sugar", - "strMeasure1": "175g", - "strMeasure2": "175g", - "strMeasure3": "140g", - "strMeasure4": "50g", - "strMeasure5": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure6": "3 Medium", - "strMeasure7": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure8": "\u00bc teaspoon", - "strMeasure9": "175g", - "strMeasure10": "175g", - "strMeasure11": "140g", - "strMeasure12": "50g", - "strMeasure13": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure14": "3 Medium", - "strMeasure15": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure16": "\u00bc teaspoon", - "strMeasure17": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure18": "200g", - "strMeasure19": "1kg", - "strMeasure20": "Dusting", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1120657/battenberg-cake", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52904", - "strMeal": "Beef Bourguignon", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Heat a large casserole pan and add 1 tbsp goose fat. Season the beef and fry until golden brown, about 3-5 mins, then turn over and fry the other side until the meat is browned all over, adding more fat if necessary. Do this in 2-3 batches, transferring the meat to a colander set over a bowl when browned.\r\nIn the same pan, fry the bacon, shallots or pearl onions, mushrooms, garlic and bouquet garni until lightly browned. Mix in the tomato pur\u00e9e and cook for a few mins, stirring into the mixture. This enriches the bourguignon and makes a great base for the stew. Then return the beef and any drained juices to the pan and stir through.\r\nPour over the wine and about 100ml water so the meat bobs up from the liquid, but isn\u2019t completely covered. Bring to the boil and use a spoon to scrape the caramelised cooking juices from the bottom of the pan \u2013 this will give the stew more flavour.\r\nHeat oven to 150C/fan 130C/gas 2. Make a cartouche: tear off a square of foil slightly larger than the casserole, arrange it in the pan so it covers the top of the stew and trim away any excess foil. Then cook for 3 hrs. If the sauce looks watery, remove the beef and veg with a slotted spoon, and set aside. Cook the sauce over a high heat for a few mins until the sauce has thickened a little, then return the beef and vegetables to the pan.\r\nTo make the celeriac mash, peel the celeriac and cut into cubes. Heat the olive oil in a large frying pan. Tip in the celeriac and fry for 5 mins until it turns golden. Season well with salt and pepper. Stir in the rosemary, thyme, bay and cardamom pods, then pour over 200ml water, enough to nearly cover the celeriac. Turn the heat to low, partially cover the pan and leave to simmer for 25-30 mins.\r\nAfter 25-30 mins, the celeriac should be soft and most of the water will have evaporated. Drain away any remaining water, then remove the herb sprigs, bay and cardamom pods. Lightly crush with a potato masher, then finish with a glug of olive oil and season to taste. Spoon the beef bourguignon into serving bowls and place a large spoonful of the celeriac mash on top. Garnish with one of the bay leaves, if you like.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vtqxtu1511784197.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQnr4Z-7rok", - "strIngredient1": "Goose Fat", - "strIngredient2": "Beef Shin", - "strIngredient3": "Bacon", - "strIngredient4": "Challots", - "strIngredient5": "Chestnut Mushroom", - "strIngredient6": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient7": "Bouquet Garni", - "strIngredient8": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient9": "Red Wine", - "strIngredient10": "Celeriac", - "strIngredient11": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient12": "Thyme", - "strIngredient13": "Rosemary", - "strIngredient14": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient15": "Cardamom", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "3 tsp", - "strMeasure2": "600g", - "strMeasure3": "100g ", - "strMeasure4": "350g", - "strMeasure5": "250g", - "strMeasure6": "2 sliced", - "strMeasure7": "1", - "strMeasure8": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "750 ml ", - "strMeasure10": "600g", - "strMeasure11": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure12": "sprigs of fresh", - "strMeasure13": "sprigs of fresh", - "strMeasure14": "2", - "strMeasure15": "4", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/5032/beef-bourguignon", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52913", - "strMeal": "Brie wrapped in prosciutto & brioche", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Side", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Mix the flour, 1 tsp salt, caster sugar, yeast, milk and eggs together in a mixer using the dough attachment for 5 mins until the dough is smooth. Add the butter and mix for a further 4 mins on medium speed. Scrape the dough bowl and mix again for 1 min. Place the dough in a container, cover with cling film and leave in the fridge for at least 6 hrs before using.\r\nWrap the Brie in the prosciutto and set aside. Turn out the dough onto a lightly floured surface. Roll into a 25cm circle. Place the wrapped Brie in the middle of the circle and fold the edges in neatly. Put the parcel onto a baking tray lined with baking parchment and brush with beaten egg. Chill in the fridge for 30 mins, then brush again with beaten egg and chill for a further 30 mins. Leave to rise for 1 hr at room temperature. Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6, then bake for 22 mins. Serve warm.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qqpwsy1511796276.jpg", - "strTags": "SideDish,Treat,Baking", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzNPPD8lbWg", - "strIngredient1": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Yeast", - "strIngredient4": "Milk", - "strIngredient5": "Eggs", - "strIngredient6": "Eggs", - "strIngredient7": "Butter", - "strIngredient8": "Brie", - "strIngredient9": "Prosciutto", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "375g", - "strMeasure2": "50g", - "strMeasure3": "7g", - "strMeasure4": "75g", - "strMeasure5": "3 Large", - "strMeasure6": "To Glaze", - "strMeasure7": "180g", - "strMeasure8": "250g", - "strMeasure9": "8 slices", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1803634/brie-wrapped-in-prosciutto-and-brioche", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52914", - "strMeal": "Boulang\u00e8re Potatoes", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Side", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 200C/fan 180C/gas 6. Fry the onions and thyme sprigs in the oil until softened and lightly coloured (about 5 mins).\r\nSpread a layer of potatoes over the base of a 1.5-litre oiled gratin dish. Sprinkle over a few onions (see picture, above) and continue layering, finishing with a layer of potatoes. Pour over the stock and bake for 50-60 mins until the potatoes are cooked and the top is golden and crisp.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qywups1511796761.jpg", - "strTags": "SideDish", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcXPruv1Mjg", - "strIngredient1": "Onions", - "strIngredient2": "Thyme", - "strIngredient3": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient5": "Vegetable Stock", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 finely chopped", - "strMeasure2": "sprigs of fresh", - "strMeasure3": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "1.5kg", - "strMeasure5": "425g", - "strMeasure6": "", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/5056/boulangre-potatoes", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52928", - "strMeal": "BeaverTails", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "Canadian", - "strInstructions": "In the bowl of a stand mixer, add warm water, a big pinch of sugar and yeast. Allow to sit until frothy.\r\nInto the same bowl, add 1/2 cup sugar, warm milk, melted butter, eggs and salt, and whisk until combined.\r\nPlace a dough hook on the mixer, add the flour with the machine on, until a smooth but slightly sticky dough forms.\r\nPlace dough in a bowl, cover with plastic wrap, and allow to proof for 1 1/2 hours.\r\nCut dough into 12 pieces, and roll out into long oval-like shapes about 1/4 inch thick that resemble a beaver\u2019s tail.\r\nIn a large, deep pot, heat oil to 350 degrees. Gently place beavertail dough into hot oil and cook for 30 to 45 seconds on each side until golden brown.\r\nDrain on paper towels, and garnish as desired. Toss in cinnamon sugar, in white sugar with a squeeze of lemon, or with a generous slathering of Nutella and a handful of toasted almonds. Enjoy!", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ryppsv1511815505.jpg", - "strTags": "Treat,Pudding,Speciality", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2G07UOqU2e8", - "strIngredient1": "Water", - "strIngredient2": "Yeast", - "strIngredient3": "Sugar", - "strIngredient4": "Milk", - "strIngredient5": "Butter", - "strIngredient6": "Eggs", - "strIngredient7": "Salt", - "strIngredient8": "Flour", - "strIngredient9": "Oil", - "strIngredient10": "Lemon", - "strIngredient11": "Sugar", - "strIngredient12": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure2": "2 parts ", - "strMeasure3": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure4": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure5": "6 tblsp", - "strMeasure6": "2", - "strMeasure7": "1 \u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure8": "2-1/2 cups", - "strMeasure9": "for frying", - "strMeasure10": "garnish", - "strMeasure11": "garnish", - "strMeasure12": "garnish", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.tastemade.com/videos/beavertails", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52940", - "strMeal": "Brown Stew Chicken", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Jamaican", - "strInstructions": "Squeeze lime over chicken and rub well. Drain off excess lime juice.\r\nCombine tomato, scallion, onion, garlic, pepper, thyme, pimento and soy sauce in a large bowl with the chicken pieces. Cover and marinate at least one hour.\r\nHeat oil in a dutch pot or large saucepan. Shake off the seasonings as you remove each piece of chicken from the marinade. Reserve the marinade for sauce.\r\nLightly brown the chicken a few pieces at a time in very hot oil. Place browned chicken pieces on a plate to rest while you brown the remaining pieces.\r\nDrain off excess oil and return the chicken to the pan. Pour the marinade over the chicken and add the carrots. Stir and cook over medium heat for 10 minutes.\r\nMix flour and coconut milk and add to stew, stirring constantly. Turn heat down to minimum and cook another 20 minutes or until tender.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/sypxpx1515365095.jpg", - "strTags": "Stew", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gFB1fkNhXs", - "strIngredient1": "Chicken", - "strIngredient2": "Tomato", - "strIngredient3": "Onions", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient5": "Red Pepper", - "strIngredient6": "Carrots", - "strIngredient7": "Lime", - "strIngredient8": "Thyme", - "strIngredient9": "Allspice", - "strIngredient10": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient11": "Cornstarch", - "strIngredient12": "Coconut Milk", - "strIngredient13": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 whole", - "strMeasure2": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure3": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure4": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure5": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure6": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure7": "1", - "strMeasure8": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure9": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure10": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure11": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure12": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure13": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.geniuskitchen.com/recipe/authentic-jamaican-brown-stew-chicken-347996", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52952", - "strMeal": "Beef Lo Mein", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Chinese", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1 - MARINATING THE BEEF\r\nIn a bowl, add the beef, salt, 1 pinch white pepper, 1 Teaspoon sesame seed oil, 1/2 egg, corn starch,1 Tablespoon of oil and mix together.\r\nSTEP 2 - BOILING THE THE NOODLES\r\nIn a 6 qt pot add your noodles to boiling water until the noodles are submerged and boil on high heat for 10 seconds. After your noodles is done boiling strain and cool with cold water.\r\nSTEP 3 - STIR FRY\r\nAdd 2 Tablespoons of oil, beef and cook on high heat untill beef is medium cooked.\r\nSet the cooked beef aside\r\nIn a wok add 2 Tablespoon of oil, onions, minced garlic, minced ginger, bean sprouts, mushrooms, peapods and 1.5 cups of water or until the vegetables are submerged in water.\r\nAdd the noodles to wok\r\nTo make the sauce, add oyster sauce, 1 pinch white pepper, 1 teaspoon sesame seed oil, sugar, and 1 Teaspoon of soy sauce.\r\nNext add the beef to wok and stir-fry", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1529444830.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZT9LSsNXXe0", - "strIngredient1": "Beef", - "strIngredient2": "Salt", - "strIngredient3": "Pepper", - "strIngredient4": "Sesame Seed Oil", - "strIngredient5": "Egg", - "strIngredient6": "Starch", - "strIngredient7": "Oil", - "strIngredient8": "Noodles", - "strIngredient9": "Onion", - "strIngredient10": "Minced Garlic", - "strIngredient11": "Ginger", - "strIngredient12": "Bean Sprouts", - "strIngredient13": "Mushrooms", - "strIngredient14": "Water", - "strIngredient15": "Oyster Sauce", - "strIngredient16": "Sugar", - "strIngredient17": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1/2 lb", - "strMeasure2": "pinch", - "strMeasure3": "pinch", - "strMeasure4": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure5": "1/2 ", - "strMeasure6": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "5 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "1/4 lb", - "strMeasure9": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure10": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure11": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure12": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure13": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure14": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure15": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure16": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure17": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://sueandgambo.com/pages/beef-lo-mein", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52959", - "strMeal": "Baked salmon with fennel & tomatoes", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 180C/fan 160C/gas 4. Trim the fronds from the fennel and set aside. Cut the fennel bulbs in half, then cut each half into 3 wedges. Cook in boiling salted water for 10 mins, then drain well. Chop the fennel fronds roughly, then mix with the parsley and lemon zest.\r\n\r\nSpread the drained fennel over a shallow ovenproof dish, then add the tomatoes. Drizzle with olive oil, then bake for 10 mins. Nestle the salmon among the veg, sprinkle with lemon juice, then bake 15 mins more until the fish is just cooked. Scatter over the parsley and serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1548772327.jpg", - "strTags": "Paleo,Keto,HighFat,Baking,LowCarbs", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvPR2Tfw5k0", - "strIngredient1": "Fennel", - "strIngredient2": "Parsley", - "strIngredient3": "Lemon", - "strIngredient4": "Cherry Tomatoes", - "strIngredient5": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient6": "Salmon", - "strIngredient7": "Black Olives", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 medium", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbs chopped", - "strMeasure3": "Juice of 1", - "strMeasure4": "175g", - "strMeasure5": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "350g", - "strMeasure7": "to serve", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/7745/baked-salmon-with-fennel-and-tomatoes", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52961", - "strMeal": "Budino Di Ricotta", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "Mash the ricotta and beat well with the egg yolks, stir in the flour, sugar, cinnamon, grated lemon rind and the rum and mix well. You can do this in a food processor. Beat the egg whites until stiff, fold in and pour into a buttered and floured 25cm cake tin. Bake in the oven at 180\u00baC/160\u00baC fan/gas 4 for about 40 minutes, or until it is firm.\r\n\r\nServe hot or cold dusted with icing sugar.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1549542877.jpg", - "strTags": "Cake,Baking,Desert,Sweet,Alcoholic,Calorific", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dzd6Ra6sb4", - "strIngredient1": "Ricotta", - "strIngredient2": "Eggs", - "strIngredient3": "Flour", - "strIngredient4": "Sugar", - "strIngredient5": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient6": "Lemons", - "strIngredient7": "Dark Rum", - "strIngredient8": "Icing Sugar", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "500g", - "strMeasure2": "4 large", - "strMeasure3": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "250g", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "Grated Zest of 2", - "strMeasure7": "5 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "sprinking", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://thehappyfoodie.co.uk/recipes/ricotta-cake-budino-di-ricotta", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52965", - "strMeal": "Breakfast Potatoes", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Breakfast", - "strArea": "Canadian", - "strInstructions": "Before you do anything, freeze your bacon slices that way when you're ready to prep, it'll be so much easier to chop!\r\nWash the potatoes and cut medium dice into square pieces. To prevent any browning, place the already cut potatoes in a bowl filled with water.\r\nIn the meantime, heat 1-2 tablespoons of oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Tilt the skillet so the oil spreads evenly.\r\nOnce the oil is hot, drain the potatoes and add to the skillet. Season with salt, pepper, and Old Bay as needed.\r\nCook for 10 minutes, stirring the potatoes often, until brown. If needed, add a tablespoon more of oil.\r\nChop up the bacon and add to the potatoes. The bacon will start to render and the fat will begin to further cook the potatoes. Toss it up a bit! The bacon will take 5-6 minutes to crisp.\r\nOnce the bacon is cooked, reduce the heat to medium-low, add the minced garlic and toss. Season once more. Add dried or fresh parsley. Control heat as needed.\r\nLet the garlic cook until fragrant, about one minute.\r\nJust before serving, drizzle over the maple syrup and toss. Let that cook another minute, giving the potatoes a caramelized effect.\r\nServe in a warm bowl with a sunny side up egg!", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1550441882.jpg", - "strTags": "Breakfast,Brunch,", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoD0TIO9nE4", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Bacon", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient5": "Maple Syrup", - "strIngredient6": "Parsley", - "strIngredient7": "Salt", - "strIngredient8": "Pepper", - "strIngredient9": "Allspice", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "3 Medium", - "strMeasure2": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "2 strips", - "strMeasure4": "Minced", - "strMeasure5": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "Garnish", - "strMeasure7": "Pinch", - "strMeasure8": "Pinch", - "strMeasure9": "To taste", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "http://www.vodkaandbiscuits.com/2014/03/06/bangin-breakfast-potatoes/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52979", - "strMeal": "Bitterballen (Dutch meatballs)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Dutch", - "strInstructions": "Melt the butter in a skillet or pan. When melted, add the flour little by little and stir into a thick paste. Slowly stir in the stock, making sure the roux absorbs the liquid. Simmer for a couple of minutes on a low heat while you stir in the onion, parsley and the shredded meat. The mixture should thicken and turn into a heavy, thick sauce.\r\n\r\nPour the mixture into a shallow container, cover and refrigerate for several hours, or until the sauce has solidified.\r\n\r\nTake a heaping tablespoon of the cold, thick sauce and quickly roll it into a small ball. Roll lightly through the flour, then the egg and finally the breadcrumbs. Make sure that the egg covers the whole surface of the bitterbal. When done, refrigerate the snacks while the oil in your fryer heats up to 190C (375F). Fry four bitterballen at a time, until golden.\r\n\r\nServe on a plate with a nice grainy or spicy mustard. \r\n", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/lhqev81565090111.jpg", - "strTags": "DinnerParty,HangoverFood,Alcoholic", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8AKfYUtDuM", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Flour", - "strIngredient3": "Beef Stock", - "strIngredient4": "Onion", - "strIngredient5": "Parsley", - "strIngredient6": "Beef", - "strIngredient7": "Salt", - "strIngredient8": "Pepper", - "strIngredient9": "Nutmeg", - "strIngredient10": "Flour", - "strIngredient11": "Eggs", - "strIngredient12": "Breadcrumbs", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "100g ", - "strMeasure2": "150g", - "strMeasure3": "700ml", - "strMeasure4": "30g", - "strMeasure5": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "400g", - "strMeasure7": "Pinch", - "strMeasure8": "Pinch", - "strMeasure9": "Pinch", - "strMeasure10": "50g", - "strMeasure11": "2 Beaten ", - "strMeasure12": "50g", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.holland.com/global/tourism/information/traditional-dutch-food/bitterballen.htm", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52995", - "strMeal": "BBQ Pork Sloppy Joes", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "1\r\n\r\nPreheat oven to 450 degrees. Wash and dry all produce. Cut sweet potatoes into \u00bd-inch-thick wedges. Toss on a baking sheet with a drizzle of oil, salt, and pepper. Roast until browned and tender, 20-25 minutes.\r\n\r\n2\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, halve and peel onion. Slice as thinly as possible until you have \u00bc cup (\u00bd cup for 4 servings); finely chop remaining onion. Peel and finely chop garlic. Halve lime; squeeze juice into a small bowl. Halve buns. Add 1 TBSP butter (2 TBSP for 4) to a separate small microwave-safe bowl; microwave until melted, 30 seconds. Brush onto cut sides of buns.\r\n\r\n3\r\n\r\nTo bowl with lime juice, add sliced onion, \u00bc tsp sugar (\u00bd tsp for 4 servings), and a pinch of salt. Stir to combine; set aside to quick-pickle.\r\n\r\n4\r\n\r\nHeat a drizzle of oil in a large pan over medium-high heat. Add chopped onion and season with salt and pepper. Cook, stirring, until softened, 4-5 minutes. Add garlic and cook until fragrant, 30 seconds more. Add pork and season with salt and pepper. Cook, breaking up meat into pieces, until browned and cooked through, 4-6 minutes.\r\n\r\n5\r\n\r\nWhile pork cooks, in a third small bowl, combine BBQ sauce, pickling liquid from onion, 3 TBSP ketchup (6 TBSP for 4 servings), \u00bd tsp sugar (1 tsp for 4), and \u00bc cup water (\u2153 cup for 4). Once pork is cooked through, add BBQ sauce mixture to pan. Cook, stirring, until sauce is thickened, 2-3 minutes. Taste and season with salt and pepper.\r\n\r\n6\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, toast buns in oven or toaster oven until golden, 3-5 minutes. Divide toasted buns between plates and fill with as much BBQ pork as you\u2019d like. Top with pickled onion and hot sauce. Serve with sweet potato wedges on the side.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/atd5sh1583188467.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Red Onions", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Lime", - "strIngredient5": "Bread", - "strIngredient6": "Pork", - "strIngredient7": "Barbeque Sauce", - "strIngredient8": "Hotsauce", - "strIngredient9": "Tomato Ketchup", - "strIngredient10": "Sugar", - "strIngredient11": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient12": "Salt", - "strIngredient13": "Pepper", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2", - "strMeasure2": "1", - "strMeasure3": "2 cloves", - "strMeasure4": "1", - "strMeasure5": "2", - "strMeasure6": "1 lb", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52997", - "strMeal": "Beef Banh Mi Bowls with Sriracha Mayo, Carrot & Pickled Cucumber", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Vietnamese", - "strInstructions": "Add'l ingredients: mayonnaise, siracha\r\n\r\n1\r\n\r\nPlace rice in a fine-mesh sieve and rinse until water runs clear. Add to a small pot with 1 cup water (2 cups for 4 servings) and a pinch of salt. Bring to a boil, then cover and reduce heat to low. Cook until rice is tender, 15 minutes. Keep covered off heat for at least 10 minutes or until ready to serve.\r\n\r\n2\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, wash and dry all produce. Peel and finely chop garlic. Zest and quarter lime (for 4 servings, zest 1 lime and quarter both). Trim and halve cucumber lengthwise; thinly slice crosswise into half-moons. Halve, peel, and medium dice onion. Trim, peel, and grate carrot.\r\n\r\n3\r\n\r\nIn a medium bowl, combine cucumber, juice from half the lime, \u00bc tsp sugar (\u00bd tsp for 4 servings), and a pinch of salt. In a small bowl, combine mayonnaise, a pinch of garlic, a squeeze of lime juice, and as much sriracha as you\u2019d like. Season with salt and pepper.\r\n\r\n4\r\n\r\nHeat a drizzle of oil in a large pan over medium-high heat. Add onion and cook, stirring, until softened, 4-5 minutes. Add beef, remaining garlic, and 2 tsp sugar (4 tsp for 4 servings). Cook, breaking up meat into pieces, until beef is browned and cooked through, 4-5 minutes. Stir in soy sauce. Turn off heat; taste and season with salt and pepper.\r\n\r\n5\r\n\r\nFluff rice with a fork; stir in lime zest and 1 TBSP butter. Divide rice between bowls. Arrange beef, grated carrot, and pickled cucumber on top. Top with a squeeze of lime juice. Drizzle with sriracha mayo.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/z0ageb1583189517.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "", - "strIngredient1": "Rice", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Lime", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient5": "Cucumber", - "strIngredient6": "Carrots", - "strIngredient7": "Ground Beef", - "strIngredient8": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "White", - "strMeasure2": "1", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "3", - "strMeasure5": "1", - "strMeasure6": "3 oz ", - "strMeasure7": "1 lb", - "strMeasure8": "2 oz ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53013", - "strMeal": "Big Mac", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "For the Big Mac sauce, combine all the ingredients in a bowl, season with salt and chill until ready to use.\r\n2. To make the patties, season the mince with salt and pepper and form into 4 balls using about 1/3 cup mince each. Place each onto a square of baking paper and flatten to form into four x 15cm circles. Heat oil in a large frypan over high heat. In 2 batches, cook beef patties for 1-2 minutes each side until lightly charred and cooked through. Remove from heat and keep warm. Repeat with remaining two patties.\r\n3. Carefully slice each burger bun into three acrossways, then lightly toast.\r\n4. To assemble the burgers, spread a little Big Mac sauce over the bottom base. Top with some chopped onion, shredded lettuce, slice of cheese, beef patty and some pickle slices. Top with the middle bun layer, and spread with more Big Mac sauce, onion, lettuce, pickles, beef patty and then finish with more sauce. Top with burger lid to serve.\r\n5. After waiting half an hour for your food to settle, go for a jog.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/urzj1d1587670726.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5J39YnnPsg", - "strIngredient1": "Minced Beef", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Sesame Seed Burger Buns", - "strIngredient4": "Onion", - "strIngredient5": "Iceberg Lettuce", - "strIngredient6": "Cheese", - "strIngredient7": "Dill Pickles", - "strIngredient8": "Mayonnaise", - "strIngredient9": "White Wine Vinegar", - "strIngredient10": "Pepper", - "strIngredient11": "Mustard", - "strIngredient12": "Onion Salt", - "strIngredient13": "Garlic Powder", - "strIngredient14": "Paprika", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "400g", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "2", - "strMeasure4": "Chopped", - "strMeasure5": "1/4 ", - "strMeasure6": "2 sliced", - "strMeasure7": "2 large", - "strMeasure8": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure9": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure10": "Pinch", - "strMeasure11": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure12": "1 1/2 tsp ", - "strMeasure13": "1 1/2 tsp ", - "strMeasure14": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.delicious.com.au/recipes/finally-recipe-worlds-top-selling-burger-big-mac/5221ee4a-279e-4a0b-8629-f442dc46822e", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53018", - "strMeal": "Bigos (Hunters Stew)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "Polish", - "strInstructions": "Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).\r\n\r\nHeat a large pot over medium heat. Add the bacon and kielbasa; cook and stir until the bacon has rendered its fat and sausage is lightly browned. Use a slotted spoon to remove the meat and transfer to a large casserole or Dutch oven.\r\n\r\nCoat the cubes of pork lightly with flour and fry them in the bacon drippings over medium-high heat until golden brown. Use a slotted spoon to transfer the pork to the casserole. Add the garlic, onion, carrots, fresh mushrooms, cabbage and sauerkraut. Reduce heat to medium; cook and stir until the carrots are soft, about 10 minutes. Do not let the vegetables brown.\r\n\r\nDeglaze the pan by pouring in the red wine and stirring to loosen all of the bits of food and flour that are stuck to the bottom. Season with the bay leaf, basil, marjoram, paprika, salt, pepper, caraway seeds and cayenne pepper; cook for 1 minute.\r\n\r\nMix in the dried mushrooms, hot pepper sauce, Worcestershire sauce, beef stock, tomato paste and tomatoes. Heat through just until boiling. Pour the vegetables and all of the liquid into the casserole dish with the meat. Cover with a lid.\r\n\r\nBake in the preheated oven for 2 1/2 to 3 hours, until meat is very tender.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/md8w601593348504.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oqg_cO4s8ik", - "strIngredient1": "Bacon", - "strIngredient2": "Kielbasa", - "strIngredient3": "Pork", - "strIngredient4": "Flour", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic", - "strIngredient6": "Onion", - "strIngredient7": "Mushrooms", - "strIngredient8": "Cabbage", - "strIngredient9": "Sauerkraut", - "strIngredient10": "Red Wine", - "strIngredient11": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient12": "Basil", - "strIngredient13": "Marjoram", - "strIngredient14": "Paprika", - "strIngredient15": "Caraway Seed", - "strIngredient16": "Hotsauce", - "strIngredient17": "Beef Stock", - "strIngredient18": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient19": "Diced Tomatoes", - "strIngredient20": "Worcestershire Sauce", - "strMeasure1": "2 sliced", - "strMeasure2": "1 lb", - "strMeasure3": "1 lb", - "strMeasure4": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure5": "3 chopped", - "strMeasure6": "1 Diced", - "strMeasure7": "1 1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure8": "4 cups ", - "strMeasure9": "1 Jar", - "strMeasure10": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure11": "1", - "strMeasure12": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure13": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure14": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure15": "1/8 teaspoon", - "strMeasure16": "1 dash", - "strMeasure17": "5 Cups", - "strMeasure18": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure19": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure20": "1 dash", - "strSource": "https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/138131/bigos-hunters-stew/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53036", - "strMeal": "Boxty Breakfast", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "Irish", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1\r\nBefore you start, put your oven on its lowest setting, ready to keep things warm. Peel the potatoes, grate 2 of them, then set aside. Cut the other 2 into large chunks, then boil for 10-15 mins or until tender. Meanwhile, squeeze as much of the liquid from the grated potatoes as you can using a clean tea towel. Mash the boiled potatoes, then mix with the grated potato, spring onions and flour.\r\n\r\nSTEP 2\r\nWhisk the egg white in a large bowl until it holds soft peaks. Fold in the buttermilk, then add the bicarbonate of soda. Fold into the potato mix.\r\n\r\nSTEP 3\r\nHeat a large non-stick frying pan over a medium heat, then add 1 tbsp butter and some of the oil. Drop 3-4 spoonfuls of the potato mixture into the pan, then gently cook for 3-5 mins on each side until golden and crusty. Keep warm on a plate in the oven while you cook the next batch, adding more butter and oil to the pan before you do so. You will get 16 crumpet-size boxty from the mix. Can be made the day ahead, drained on kitchen paper, then reheated in a low oven for 20 mins.\r\n\r\nSTEP 4\r\nHeat the grill to medium and put the tomatoes in a heavy-based pan. Add a good knob of butter and a little oil, then fry for about 5 mins until softened. Grill the bacon, then pile onto a plate and keep warm. Stack up the boxty, bacon and egg, and serve the tomatoes on the side.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/naqyel1608588563.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80W0mCFDIP0", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient3": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient4": "Egg White", - "strIngredient5": "Milk", - "strIngredient6": "Bicarbonate Of Soda", - "strIngredient7": "Butter", - "strIngredient8": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient9": "Cherry Tomatoes", - "strIngredient10": "Bacon", - "strIngredient11": "Egg", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4 large", - "strMeasure2": "1 bunch", - "strMeasure3": "100g ", - "strMeasure4": "1", - "strMeasure5": "150ml", - "strMeasure6": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure7": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "6", - "strMeasure10": "12", - "strMeasure11": "6", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/boxty-bacon-eggs-tomatoes", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53053", - "strMeal": "Beef Rendang", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Malaysian", - "strInstructions": "Chop the spice paste ingredients and then blend it in a food processor until fine.\r\nHeat the oil in a stew pot, add the spice paste, cinnamon, cloves, star anise, and cardamom and stir-fry until aromatic. Add the beef and the pounded lemongrass and stir for 1 minute. Add the coconut milk, tamarind juice, water, and simmer on medium heat, stirring frequently until the meat is almost cooked. Add the kaffir lime leaves, kerisik (toasted coconut), sugar or palm sugar, stirring to blend well with the meat.\r\nLower the heat to low, cover the lid, and simmer for 1 to 1 1/2 hours or until the meat is really tender and the gravy has dried up. Add more salt and sugar to taste. Serve immediately with steamed rice and save some for overnight.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/bc8v651619789840.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ot-dmfBaZrA", - "strIngredient1": "Beef", - "strIngredient2": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Cinnamon Stick", - "strIngredient4": "Cloves", - "strIngredient5": "Star Anise", - "strIngredient6": "Cardamom", - "strIngredient7": "Coconut Cream", - "strIngredient8": "Water", - "strIngredient9": "Tamarind Paste", - "strIngredient10": "Lime", - "strIngredient11": "Sugar", - "strIngredient12": "Challots", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1lb", - "strMeasure2": "5 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "3", - "strMeasure5": "3", - "strMeasure6": "3", - "strMeasure7": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure8": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure9": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "6", - "strMeasure11": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure12": "5", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://rasamalaysia.com/beef-rendang-recipe-rendang-daging/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53060", - "strMeal": "Burek", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Side", - "strArea": "Croatian", - "strInstructions": "Fry the finely chopped onions and minced meat in oil. Add the salt and pepper. Grease a round baking tray and put a layer of pastry in it. Cover with a thin layer of filling and cover this with another layer of filo pastry which must be well coated in oil. Put another layer of filling and cover with pastry. When you have five or six layers, cover with filo pastry, bake at 200\u00baC/392\u00baF for half an hour and cut in quarters and serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/tkxquw1628771028.jpg", - "strTags": "Streetfood, Onthego", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsJXZwE5pdY", - "strIngredient1": "Filo Pastry", - "strIngredient2": "Minced Beef", - "strIngredient3": "Onion", - "strIngredient4": "Oil", - "strIngredient5": "Salt", - "strIngredient6": "Pepper", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 Packet", - "strMeasure2": "150g", - "strMeasure3": "150g", - "strMeasure4": "40g", - "strMeasure5": "Dash", - "strMeasure6": "Dash", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.visit-croatia.co.uk/croatian-cuisine/croatian-recipes/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53068", - "strMeal": "Beef Mechado", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Filipino", - "strInstructions": "0.\tMake the beef tenderloin marinade by combining soy sauce, vinegar, ginger, garlic, sesame oil, olive oil, sugar, salt, and ground black pepper in a large bowl. Mix well.\r\n1.\tAdd the cubed beef tenderloin to the bowl with the beef tenderloin marinade. Gently toss to coat the beef. Let it stay for 1 hour.\r\n2.\tUsing a metal or bamboo skewer, assemble the beef kebob by skewering the vegetables and marinated beef tenderloin.\r\n3.\tHeat-up the grill and start grilling the beef kebobs for 3 minutes per side. This will give you a medium beef that is juicy and tender on the inside. Add more time if you want your beef well done, but it will be less tender.\r\n4.\tTransfer to a serving plate. Serve with Saffron rice.\r\n5.\tShare and enjoy!\r\n", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/cgl60b1683206581.jpg", - "strTags": "Stew, Warming", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxW3Lj8VjyE", - "strIngredient1": "Garlic", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Beef", - "strIngredient4": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient5": "Water", - "strIngredient6": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient7": "Lemon", - "strIngredient8": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient9": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient10": "Black Pepper", - "strIngredient11": "Bay Leaves", - "strIngredient12": "Salt", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "3 cloves", - "strMeasure2": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure3": "2 Lbs", - "strMeasure4": "8 ounces", - "strMeasure5": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure6": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "1 Slice", - "strMeasure8": "1 large", - "strMeasure9": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure10": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure11": "2", - "strMeasure12": "To taste", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://panlasangpinoy.com/filipino-pinoy-food-tomato-sauce-beef-mechado-recipe/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53069", - "strMeal": "Bistek", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Filipino", - "strInstructions": "0.\tMarinate beef in soy sauce, lemon (or calamansi), and ground black pepper for at least 1 hour. Note: marinate overnight for best result\r\n1.\tHeat the cooking oil in a pan then pan-fry half of the onions until the texture becomes soft. Set aside\r\n2.\tDrain the marinade from the beef. Set it aside. Pan-fry the beef on the same pan where the onions were fried for 1 minute per side. Remove from the pan. Set aside\r\n3.\tAdd more oil if needed. Saute garlic and remaining raw onions until onion softens.\r\n4.\tPour the remaining marinade and water. Bring to a boil.\r\n5.\tAdd beef. Cover the pan and simmer until the meat is tender. Note: Add water as needed.\r\n6.\tSeason with ground black pepper and salt as needed. Top with pan-fried onions.\r\n7.\tTransfer to a serving plate. Serve hot. Share and Enjoy!\r\n", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/4pqimk1683207418.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOQON5_S7as", - "strIngredient1": "Beef", - "strIngredient2": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient3": "Lemon", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Onion", - "strIngredient6": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient7": "Water", - "strIngredient8": "Salt", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 lb", - "strMeasure2": "5 tablespoons", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "3 cloves", - "strMeasure5": "3 parts ", - "strMeasure6": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure8": "1 pinch", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://panlasangpinoy.com/bistek-tagalog-beefsteak-recipe/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53070", - "strMeal": "Beef Caldereta", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Filipino", - "strInstructions": "0.\tHeat oil in a cooking pot. Saute onion and garlic until onion softens\r\n1.\tAdd beef. Saute until the outer part turns light brown.\r\n2.\tAdd soy sauce. Pour tomato sauce and water. Let boil.\r\n3.\tAdd Knorr Beef Cube. Cover the pressure cooker. Cook for 30 minutes.\r\n4.\tPan-fry carrot and potato until it browns. Set aside.\r\n5.\tAdd chili pepper, liver spread and peanut butter. Stir.\r\n6.\tAdd bell peppers, fried potato and carrot. Cover the pot. Continue cooking for 5 to 7 minutes.\r\n7.\tSeason with salt and ground black pepper. Serve.\r\n", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/41cxjh1683207682.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yI7hTz0ft5k", - "strIngredient1": "Beef", - "strIngredient2": "Beef Stock", - "strIngredient3": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient4": "Water", - "strIngredient5": "Green Pepper", - "strIngredient6": "Red Pepper", - "strIngredient7": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient8": "Carrots", - "strIngredient9": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient10": "Peanut Butter", - "strIngredient11": "Chilli Powder", - "strIngredient12": "Onion", - "strIngredient13": "Garlic", - "strIngredient14": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2kg cut cubes", - "strMeasure2": "1", - "strMeasure3": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure5": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure6": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure7": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure8": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure9": "8 ounces", - "strMeasure10": "3 tablespoons", - "strMeasure11": "5", - "strMeasure12": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure13": "5 cloves", - "strMeasure14": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.kawalingpinoy.com/beef-caldereta/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53071", - "strMeal": "Beef Asado", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Filipino", - "strInstructions": "0.\tCombine beef, crushed peppercorn, soy sauce, vinegar, dried bay leaves, lemon, and tomato sauce. Mix well. Marinate beef for at least 30 minutes.\r\n1.\tPut the marinated beef in a cooking pot along with remaining marinade. Add water. Let boil.\r\n2.\tAdd Knorr Beef Cube. Stir. Cover the pot and cook for 40 minutes in low heat.\r\n3.\tTurn the beef over. Add tomato paste. Continue cooking until beef tenderizes. Set aside.\r\n4.\tHeat oil in a pan. Fry the potato until it browns. Turn over and continue frying the opposite side. Remove from the pan and place on a clean plate. Do the same with the carrots.\r\n5.\tSave 3 tablespoons of cooking oil from the pan where the potato was fried. Saute onion and garlic until onion softens.\r\n6.\tPour-in the sauce from the beef stew. Let boil. Add the beef. Cook for 2 minutes.\r\n7.\tAdd butter and let it melt. Continue cooking until the sauce reduces to half.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/pkopc31683207947.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNlK8DVhXXA", - "strIngredient1": "Beef", - "strIngredient2": "Beef Stock Concentrate", - "strIngredient3": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient4": "Water", - "strIngredient5": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient6": "White Wine Vinegar", - "strIngredient7": "Pepper", - "strIngredient8": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient9": "Lemon", - "strIngredient10": "Tomato Sauce", - "strIngredient11": "Butter", - "strIngredient12": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient13": "Onion", - "strIngredient14": "Garlic", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1.5kg", - "strMeasure2": "1", - "strMeasure3": "8 ounces", - "strMeasure4": "3 cups ", - "strMeasure5": "6 tablespoons", - "strMeasure6": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "4", - "strMeasure9": "1/2 ", - "strMeasure10": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure11": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure12": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure13": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure14": "4 cloves", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://panlasangpinoy.com/beef-asado/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53076", - "strMeal": "Bread omelette", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Breakfast", - "strArea": "Indian", - "strInstructions": "Make and enjoy", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/hqaejl1695738653.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "", - "strIngredient1": "Bread", - "strIngredient2": "Egg", - "strIngredient3": "Salt", - "strIngredient4": "", - "strIngredient5": "", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2", - "strMeasure2": "2", - "strMeasure3": "0.5", - "strMeasure4": " ", - "strMeasure5": " ", - "strMeasure6": " ", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53078", - "strMeal": "Beetroot Soup (Borscht)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Russian", - "strInstructions": "Chop the beetroot, add water and stock cube and cook for 15mins. Add the other ingredients and boil until soft. Finally add the beans and cook for 5mins. Serve in the soup pot.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/zadvgb1699012544.jpg", - "strTags": "soup", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CXgPVw_-0g", - "strIngredient1": "Beetroot", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Chicken Stock Cube", - "strIngredient4": "Water", - "strIngredient5": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient6": "Cannellini Beans", - "strIngredient7": "Dill", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "3", - "strMeasure2": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "6 cups ", - "strMeasure5": "3", - "strMeasure6": "1 can ", - "strMeasure7": "Garnish", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://natashaskitchen.com/classic-russian-borscht-recipe/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53080", - "strMeal": "Blini Pancakes", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Side", - "strArea": "Russian", - "strInstructions": "In a large bowl, whisk together 1/2 cup buckwheat flour, 2/3 cup all-purpose flour, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and 1 teaspoon yeast.\r\n\r\nMake a well in the center and pour in 1 cup warm milk, whisking until the batter is smooth.\r\n\r\nCover the bowl and let the batter rise until doubled, about 1 hour.\r\n\r\nEnrich and Rest the Batter\r\nStir 2 tablespoons melted butter and 1 egg yolk into the batter.\r\n\r\nIn a separate bowl, whisk 1 egg white until stiff, but not dry.\r\n\r\nFold the whisked egg white into the batter.\r\n\r\nCover the bowl and let the batter stand 20 minutes.\r\n\r\nPan-Fry the Blini\r\nHeat butter in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat.\r\n\r\nDrop quarter-sized dollops of batter into the pan, being careful not to overcrowd the pan. Cook for about 1 minute or until bubbles form.\r\n\r\nTurn and cook for about 30 additional seconds.\r\n\r\nRemove the finished blini onto a plate and cover them with a clean kitchen towel to keep warm. Add more butter to the pan and repeat the frying process with the remaining batter.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/0206h11699013358.jpg", - "strTags": "pancake", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsB8ZI5vREA", - "strIngredient1": "Buckwheat", - "strIngredient2": "Flour", - "strIngredient3": "Salt", - "strIngredient4": "Yeast", - "strIngredient5": "Milk", - "strIngredient6": "Butter", - "strIngredient7": "Egg", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure2": "2/3 Cup", - "strMeasure3": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure6": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "1 Seperated", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.thespruceeats.com/russian-blini-recipe-buckwheat-pancakes-1136797", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52776", - "strMeal": "Chocolate Gateau", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Preheat the oven to 180\u00b0C/350\u00b0F/Gas Mark 4. Grease and line the base of an 8 in round spring form cake tin with baking parchment\r\nBreak the chocolate into a heatproof bowl and place over a saucepan of gently simmering water and stir until it melts. (or melt in the microwave for 2-3 mins stirring occasionally)\r\nPlace the butter and sugar in a mixing bowl and cream together with a wooden spoon until light and fluffy. Gradually beat in the eggs, adding a little flour if the mixture begins to curdle. Fold in the remaining flour with the cooled, melted chocolate and milk. Mix until smooth.\r\nSpread the mixture into the cake tin and bake for 50-55 mins or until firm in the centre and a skewer comes out cleanly. Cool for 10 minutes, then turn out and cool completely.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/tqtywx1468317395.jpg", - "strTags": "Cake,Chocolate,Desert,Pudding", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsJtgmAhFF4", - "strIngredient1": "Plain chocolate", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Milk", - "strIngredient4": "Eggs", - "strIngredient5": "Granulated Sugar", - "strIngredient6": "Flour", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "250g", - "strMeasure2": "175g", - "strMeasure3": "2 tablespoons", - "strMeasure4": "5", - "strMeasure5": "175g", - "strMeasure6": "125g", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": null, - "strMeasure17": null, - "strMeasure18": null, - "strMeasure19": null, - "strMeasure20": null, - "strSource": "http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/recipes/536028/chocolate-gateau", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52765", - "strMeal": "Chicken Enchilada Casserole", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Mexican", - "strInstructions": "Cut each chicken breast in about 3 pieces, so that it cooks faster and put it in a small pot. Pour Enchilada sauce over it and cook covered on low to medium heat until chicken is cooked through, about 20 minutes. No water is needed, the chicken will cook in the Enchilada sauce. Make sure you stir occasionally so that it doesn't stick to the bottom.\r\nRemove chicken from the pot and shred with two forks.\r\nPreheat oven to 375 F degrees.\r\nStart layering the casserole. Start with about \u00bc cup of the leftover Enchilada sauce over the bottom of a baking dish. I used a longer baking dish, so that I can put 2 corn tortillas across. Place 2 tortillas on the bottom, top with \u2153 of the chicken and \u2153 of the remaining sauce. Sprinkle with \u2153 of the cheese and repeat starting with 2 more tortillas, then chicken, sauce, cheese. Repeat with last layer with the remaining ingredients, tortillas, chicken, sauce and cheese.\r\nBake for 20 to 30 minutes uncovered, until bubbly and cheese has melted and started to brown on top.\r\nServe warm.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qtuwxu1468233098.jpg", - "strTags": "Casserole,Cheasy,Meat", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtVkwVKLc_M", - "strIngredient1": "Enchilada sauce", - "strIngredient2": "shredded Monterey Jack cheese", - "strIngredient3": "corn tortillas", - "strIngredient4": "chicken breasts", - "strIngredient5": null, - "strIngredient6": null, - "strIngredient7": null, - "strIngredient8": null, - "strIngredient9": null, - "strIngredient10": null, - "strIngredient11": null, - "strIngredient12": null, - "strIngredient13": null, - "strIngredient14": null, - "strIngredient15": null, - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "14 oz jar", - "strMeasure2": "3 Cups", - "strMeasure3": "6", - "strMeasure4": "2", - "strMeasure5": null, - "strMeasure6": null, - "strMeasure7": null, - "strMeasure8": null, - "strMeasure9": null, - "strMeasure10": null, - "strMeasure11": null, - "strMeasure12": null, - "strMeasure13": null, - "strMeasure14": null, - "strMeasure15": null, - "strMeasure16": null, - "strMeasure17": null, - "strMeasure18": null, - "strMeasure19": null, - "strMeasure20": null, - "strSource": null, - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52779", - "strMeal": "Cream Cheese Tart", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Starter", - "strArea": "Unknown", - "strInstructions": "Crust: make a dough from 250g flour (I like mixing different flours like plain and wholegrain spelt flour), 125g butter, 1 egg and a pinch of salt, press it into a tart form and place it in the fridge. Filling: stir 300g cream cheese and 100ml milk until smooth, add in 3 eggs, 100g grated parmesan cheese and season with salt, pepper and nutmeg. Take the crust out of the fridge and prick the bottom with a fork. Pour in the filling and bake at 175 degrees C for about 25 minutes. Cover the tart with some aluminium foil after half the time. In the mean time, slice about 350g mini tomatoes. In a small pan heat 3tbsp olive oil, 3tbsp white vinegar, 1 tbsp honey, salt and pepper and combine well. Pour over the tomato slices and mix well. With a spoon, place the tomato slices on the tart, avoiding too much liquid on it. Decorate with basil leaves and enjoy", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wurrux1468416624.jpg", - "strTags": "Tart,Savory", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhQPwO4uymo", - "strIngredient1": "Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Egg", - "strIngredient4": "Salt", - "strIngredient5": "Cheese", - "strIngredient6": "Milk", - "strIngredient7": "Eggs", - "strIngredient8": "Parmesan Cheese", - "strIngredient9": "Plum tomatoes", - "strIngredient10": "White Vinegar", - "strIngredient11": "Honey", - "strIngredient12": "Basil", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "250g", - "strMeasure2": "125g", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "Pinch", - "strMeasure5": "300g", - "strMeasure6": "100ml milk", - "strMeasure7": "3", - "strMeasure8": "100g", - "strMeasure9": "350g", - "strMeasure10": "3tbsp", - "strMeasure11": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure12": "Topping", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": null, - "strMeasure17": null, - "strMeasure18": null, - "strMeasure19": null, - "strMeasure20": null, - "strSource": "https://www.instagram.com/p/BHyuMZ1hZX0", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52788", - "strMeal": "Christmas Pudding Flapjack", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Preheat the oven to 180\u00b0C/fan 160\u00b0C/gas mark 4 and grease and line a 25cm x 20cm tin. Melt the butter, sugar, syrup and orange zest in a large saucepan over a medium heat. The aim is to dissolve all the ingredients so that they are smooth, but to not lose any volume through boiling so be careful not to overheat.\r\n\r\nAdd the oats and stir well until evenly coated. Stir through the leftover Christmas pudding and tip into the prepared tin. Use a spoon to flatten the top and bake for 40 minutes until the edges start to brown. Whilst still warm in the tin, score into 12 squares. Allow to cool completely before cutting along the scores.\r\n\r\nKeeps for 5 days in an air tight tin or freeze for up to 1 month.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vvusxs1483907034.jpg", - "strTags": "Snack,Cake", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaqvGvEiwzU", - "strIngredient1": "salted butter", - "strIngredient2": "dark soft brown sugar", - "strIngredient3": "golden syrup", - "strIngredient4": "orange", - "strIngredient5": "rolled oats", - "strIngredient6": "Christmas pudding", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "250g", - "strMeasure2": "225g", - "strMeasure3": "150g", - "strMeasure4": "Zest of 1", - "strMeasure5": "500g", - "strMeasure6": "250g", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52795", - "strMeal": "Chicken Handi", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Indian", - "strInstructions": "Take a large pot or wok, big enough to cook all the chicken, and heat the oil in it. Once the oil is hot, add sliced onion and fry them until deep golden brown. Then take them out on a plate and set aside.\r\nTo the same pot, add the chopped garlic and saut\u00e9 for a minute. Then add the chopped tomatoes and cook until tomatoes turn soft. This would take about 5 minutes.\r\nThen return the fried onion to the pot and stir. Add ginger paste and saut\u00e9 well.\r\nNow add the cumin seeds, half of the coriander seeds and chopped green chillies. Give them a quick stir.\r\nNext goes in the spices \u2013 turmeric powder and red chilli powder. Saut\u00e9 the spices well for couple of minutes.\r\nAdd the chicken pieces to the wok, season it with salt to taste and cook the chicken covered on medium-low heat until the chicken is almost cooked through. This would take about 15 minutes. Slowly saut\u00e9ing the chicken will enhance the flavor, so do not expedite this step by putting it on high heat.\r\nWhen the oil separates from the spices, add the beaten yogurt keeping the heat on lowest so that the yogurt doesn\u2019t split. Sprinkle the remaining coriander seeds and add half of the dried fenugreek leaves. Mix well.\r\nFinally add the cream and give a final mix to combine everything well.\r\nSprinkle the remaining kasuri methi and garam masala and serve the chicken handi hot with naan or rotis. Enjoy!", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wyxwsp1486979827.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IO0issT0Rmc", - "strIngredient1": "Chicken", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Tomatoes", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Ginger paste", - "strIngredient6": "Vegetable oil", - "strIngredient7": "Cumin seeds", - "strIngredient8": "Coriander seeds", - "strIngredient9": "Turmeric powder", - "strIngredient10": "Chilli powder", - "strIngredient11": "Green chilli", - "strIngredient12": "Yogurt", - "strIngredient13": "Cream", - "strIngredient14": "fenugreek", - "strIngredient15": "Garam masala", - "strIngredient16": "Salt", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1.2 kg", - "strMeasure2": "5 thinly sliced", - "strMeasure3": "2 finely chopped", - "strMeasure4": "8 cloves chopped", - "strMeasure5": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure6": "\u00bc cup", - "strMeasure7": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "3 tsp", - "strMeasure9": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure10": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure11": "2", - "strMeasure12": "1 cup", - "strMeasure13": "\u00be cup", - "strMeasure14": "3 tsp Dried", - "strMeasure15": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure16": "To taste", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52796", - "strMeal": "Chicken Alfredo Primavera", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "Heat 1 tablespoon of butter and 2 tablespoons of olive oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Season both sides of each chicken breast with seasoned salt and a pinch of pepper. Add the chicken to the skillet and cook for 5-7 minutes on each side, or until cooked through. While the chicken is cooking, bring a large pot of water to a boil. Season the boiling water with a few generous pinches of kosher salt. Add the pasta and give it a stir. Cook, stirring occasionally, until al dente, about 12 minutes. Reserve 1/2 cup of pasta water before draining the pasta. Remove the chicken from the pan and transfer it to a cutting board; allow it to rest. Turn the heat down to medium and dd the remaining 1 tablespoon of butter and olive oil to the same pan you used to cook the chicken. Add the veggies (minus the garlic) and red pepper flakes to the pan and stir to coat with the oil and butter (refrain from seasoning with salt until the veggies are finished browning). Cook, stirring often, until the veggies are tender, about 5 minutes. Add the garlic and a generous pinch of salt and pepper to the pan and cook for 1 minute. Deglaze the pan with the white wine. Continue to cook until the wine has reduced by half, about 3 minutes. Stir in the milk, heavy cream, and reserved pasta water. Bring the mixture to a gentle boil and allow to simmer and reduce for 2-3 minutes. Turn off the heat and add the Parmesan cheese and cooked pasta. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Garnish with Parmesan cheese and chopped parsley, if desired. ", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/syqypv1486981727.jpg", - "strTags": "Pasta,Meat,Dairy", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCIbq8HywpQ", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Chicken", - "strIngredient4": "Salt", - "strIngredient5": "Squash", - "strIngredient6": "Broccoli", - "strIngredient7": "mushrooms", - "strIngredient8": "Pepper", - "strIngredient9": "onion", - "strIngredient10": "garlic", - "strIngredient11": "red pepper flakes", - "strIngredient12": "white wine", - "strIngredient13": "milk", - "strIngredient14": "heavy cream", - "strIngredient15": "Parmesan cheese", - "strIngredient16": "bowtie pasta", - "strIngredient17": "Salt", - "strIngredient18": "Pepper", - "strIngredient19": "Parsley", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 tablespoons", - "strMeasure2": "3 tablespoons", - "strMeasure3": "5 boneless", - "strMeasure4": "1 teaspoon", - "strMeasure5": "1 cut into 1/2-inch cubes", - "strMeasure6": "1 Head chopped", - "strMeasure7": "8-ounce sliced", - "strMeasure8": "1 red", - "strMeasure9": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure10": "3 cloves", - "strMeasure11": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure12": "1/2 cup", - "strMeasure13": "1/2 cup", - "strMeasure14": "1/2 cup", - "strMeasure15": "1 cup grated", - "strMeasure16": "16 ounces", - "strMeasure17": "pinch", - "strMeasure18": "pinch ", - "strMeasure19": "chopped", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52818", - "strMeal": "Chicken Fajita Mac and Cheese", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Fry your onion, peppers and garlic in olive oil until nicely translucent. Make a well in your veg and add your chicken. Add your seasoning and salt. Allow to colour slightly.\r\nAdd your cream, stock and macaroni.\r\nCook on low for 20 minutes. Add your cheeses, stir to combine.\r\nTop with roasted peppers and parsley.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qrqywr1503066605.jpg", - "strTags": "Pasta,Cheasy,Meat", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwTSmLTZKNg", - "strIngredient1": "macaroni", - "strIngredient2": "chicken stock", - "strIngredient3": "heavy cream", - "strIngredient4": "fajita seasoning", - "strIngredient5": "salt", - "strIngredient6": "chicken breast", - "strIngredient7": "olive oil", - "strIngredient8": "onion", - "strIngredient9": "red pepper", - "strIngredient10": "garlic", - "strIngredient11": "cheddar cheese", - "strIngredient12": "parsley", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "500g", - "strMeasure2": "2 cups", - "strMeasure3": "1/2 cup", - "strMeasure4": "1 packet", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure6": "3 diced", - "strMeasure7": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure8": "1 small finely diced", - "strMeasure9": "2 finely diced", - "strMeasure10": "2 cloves minced", - "strMeasure11": "1 cup", - "strMeasure12": "garnish chopped", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://twistedfood.co.uk/chicken-fajita-mac-n-cheese/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52819", - "strMeal": "Cajun spiced fish tacos", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Mexican", - "strInstructions": "Cooking in a cajun spice and cayenne pepper marinade makes this fish super succulent and flavoursome. Top with a zesty dressing and serve in a tortilla for a quick, fuss-free main that's delightfully summery.\r\n\r\nOn a large plate, mix the cajun spice and cayenne pepper with a little seasoning and use to coat the fish all over.\r\n\r\nHeat a little oil in a frying pan, add in the fish and cook over a medium heat until golden. Reduce the heat and continue frying until the fish is cooked through, about 10 minutes. Cook in batches if you don\u2019t have enough room in the pan.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, prepare the dressing by combining all the ingredients with a little seasoning.\r\nSoften the tortillas by heating in the microwave for 5-10 seconds. Pile high with the avocado, lettuce and spring onion, add a spoonful of salsa, top with large flakes of fish and drizzle over the dressing.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/uvuyxu1503067369.jpg", - "strTags": "Spicy,Fish", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4EdUt0Ou48", - "strIngredient1": "cajun", - "strIngredient2": "cayenne pepper", - "strIngredient3": "white fish", - "strIngredient4": "vegetable oil", - "strIngredient5": "flour tortilla", - "strIngredient6": "avocado", - "strIngredient7": "little gem lettuce", - "strIngredient8": "spring onion", - "strIngredient9": "salsa", - "strIngredient10": "sour cream", - "strIngredient11": "lemon", - "strIngredient12": "garlic", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure2": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure3": "4 fillets", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure5": "8", - "strMeasure6": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure7": "2 shredded", - "strMeasure8": "4 shredded", - "strMeasure9": "1 x 300ml", - "strMeasure10": "1 pot", - "strMeasure11": "1", - "strMeasure12": "1 clove finely chopped", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://realfood.tesco.com/recipes/cajun-spiced-fish-tacos.html", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52830", - "strMeal": "Crock Pot Chicken Baked Tacos", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Mexican", - "strInstructions": "Put the uncooked chicken breasts in the crock pot. Pour the full bottle of salad dressing over the chicken. Sprinkle the rest of the ingredients over the top and mix them in a bit with a spoon.\r\nCover your crock pot with the lid and cook on high for 4 hours.\r\nRemove all the chicken breasts from the crock pot and let cool.\r\nShred the chicken breasts and move to a glass bowl.\r\nPour most of the liquid over the shredded chicken.\r\nFOR THE TACOS:\r\nMake the guacamole sauce by mixing the avocado and green salsa together. Pour the guacamole mixture through a strainer until smooth and transfer to a squeeze bottle. Cut the tip off the lid of the squeeze bottle to make the opening more wide if needed.\r\nMake the sour cream sauce by mixing the sour cream and milk together until you get a more liquid sour cream sauce. Transfer to a squeeze bottle.\r\nIn a 9x 13 glass baking dish, fill all 12+ tacos with a layer of refried beans, cooked chicken and shredded cheese.\r\nBake at 450 for 10-15 minutes just until the cheese is melted and bubbling.\r\nOut of the oven top all the tacos with the sliced grape tomaotes, jalapeno and cilantro.\r\nFinish with a drizzle of guacamole and sour cream.\r\nEnjoy!", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ypxvwv1505333929.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqL0mLDBzS4", - "strIngredient1": "Chicken Breasts", - "strIngredient2": "Vinaigrette Dressing", - "strIngredient3": "Cumin", - "strIngredient4": "Smoked Paprika", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic", - "strIngredient6": "Refried Beans", - "strIngredient7": "Hard Taco Shells", - "strIngredient8": "Shredded Mexican Cheese", - "strIngredient9": "Grape Tomatoes", - "strIngredient10": "Jalapeno", - "strIngredient11": "Avocado", - "strIngredient12": "Green Salsa", - "strIngredient13": "Sour Cream", - "strIngredient14": "Milk", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4 - 6", - "strMeasure2": "1 bottle", - "strMeasure3": "1\u00bd tablespoon", - "strMeasure4": "1 tablespoon", - "strMeasure5": "1 teaspoon", - "strMeasure6": "1 can", - "strMeasure7": "12", - "strMeasure8": "2 cups", - "strMeasure9": "Halved", - "strMeasure10": "Sliced and Seeded", - "strMeasure11": "Peeled and Sliced", - "strMeasure12": "2 tablespoons", - "strMeasure13": "3 tablespoons", - "strMeasure14": "1 tablespoon", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.nobiggie.net/crock-pot-chicken-baked-tacos/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52831", - "strMeal": "Chicken Karaage", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Japanese", - "strInstructions": "Add the ginger, garlic, soy sauce, sake and sugar to a bowl and whisk to combine. Add the chicken, then stir to coat evenly. Cover and refrigerate for at least 1 hour.\r\n\r\nAdd 1 inch of vegetable oil to a heavy bottomed pot and heat until the oil reaches 360 degrees F. Line a wire rack with 2 sheets of paper towels and get your tongs out. Put the potato starch in a bowl\r\n\r\nAdd a handful of chicken to the potato starch and toss to coat each piece evenly.\r\n\r\nFry the karaage in batches until the exterior is a medium brown and the chicken is cooked through. Transfer the fried chicken to the paper towel lined rack. If you want the karaage to stay crispy longer, you can fry the chicken a second time, until it's a darker color after it's cooled off once. Serve with lemon wedges.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/tyywsw1505930373.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XivddFddthc", - "strIngredient1": "Chicken thigh", - "strIngredient2": "Ginger", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Soy sauce", - "strIngredient5": "Sake", - "strIngredient6": "Granulated sugar", - "strIngredient7": "Potato starch", - "strIngredient8": "Vegetable oil", - "strIngredient9": "Lemon", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "450 grams Boneless skin", - "strMeasure2": "1 tablespoon", - "strMeasure3": "1 clove", - "strMeasure4": "2 tablespoons", - "strMeasure5": "1 tablespoon", - "strMeasure6": "2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure7": "1/3 cup", - "strMeasure8": "1/3 cup", - "strMeasure9": "1/3 cup", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://norecipes.com/karaage-recipe", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52832", - "strMeal": "Coq au vin", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Heat 1 tbsp of the oil in a large, heavy-based saucepan or flameproof dish. Tip in the bacon and fry until crisp. Remove and drain on kitchen paper. Add the shallots to the pan and fry, stirring or shaking the pan often, for 5-8 mins until well browned all over. Remove and set aside with the bacon.\r\nPat the chicken pieces dry with kitchen paper. Pour the remaining oil into the pan, then fry half the chicken pieces, turning regularly, for 5-8 mins until well browned. Remove, then repeat with the remaining chicken. Remove and set aside.\r\nScatter in the garlic and fry briefly, then, with the heat medium-high, pour in the brandy or Cognac, stirring the bottom of the pan to deglaze. The alcohol should sizzle and start to evaporate so there is not much left.\r\nReturn the chicken legs and thighs to the pan along with any juices, then pour in a little of the wine, stirring the bottom of the pan again. Stir in the rest of the wine, the stock and tomato pur\u00e9e, drop in the bouquet garni, season with pepper and a pinch of salt, then return the bacon and shallots to the pan. Cover, lower the heat to a gentle simmer, add the chicken breasts and cook for 50 mins-1hr.\r\nJust before ready to serve, heat the oil for the mushrooms in a large non-stick frying pan. Add the mushrooms and fry over a high heat for a few mins until golden. Remove and keep warm.\r\nLift the chicken, shallots and bacon from the pan and transfer to a warmed serving dish. Remove the bouquet garni. To make the thickener, mix the flour, olive oil and butter in a small bowl using the back of a teaspoon. Bring the wine mixture to a gentle boil, then gradually drop in small pieces of the thickener, whisking each piece in using a wire whisk. Simmer for 1-2 mins. Scatter the mushrooms over the chicken, then pour over the wine sauce. Garnish with chopped parsley.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qstyvs1505931190.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ise46LADBs", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Bacon", - "strIngredient3": "Shallots", - "strIngredient4": "Chicken Legs", - "strIngredient5": "Chicken Thighs", - "strIngredient6": "Chicken Breasts", - "strIngredient7": "Garlic", - "strIngredient8": "Brandy", - "strIngredient9": "Red Wine", - "strIngredient10": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient11": "tomato puree", - "strIngredient12": "thyme", - "strIngredient13": "Rosemary", - "strIngredient14": "bay leaves", - "strIngredient15": "parsley", - "strIngredient16": "chestnut mushroom", - "strIngredient17": "plain flour", - "strIngredient18": "butter", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1\u00bd tbsp", - "strMeasure2": "3 rashers (100g) chopped dry-cured", - "strMeasure3": "12 small", - "strMeasure4": "2 (460g)", - "strMeasure5": "4 (650g)", - "strMeasure6": "2 (280g)", - "strMeasure7": "3 finely chopped", - "strMeasure8": "3 tbsp", - "strMeasure9": "600ml", - "strMeasure10": "150ml", - "strMeasure11": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure12": "3 sprigs", - "strMeasure13": "2 sprigs", - "strMeasure14": "2", - "strMeasure15": "garnish", - "strMeasure16": "250g", - "strMeasure17": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure18": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1913655/coq-au-vin", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52839", - "strMeal": "Chilli prawn linguine", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pasta", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "Mix the dressing ingredients in a small bowl and season with salt and pepper. Set aside.\r\n\r\nCook the pasta according to the packet instructions. Add the sugar snap peas for the last minute or so of cooking time.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, heat the oil in a wok or large frying pan, toss in the garlic and chilli and cook over a fairly gentle heat for about 30 seconds without letting the garlic brown. Tip in the prawns and cook over a high heat, stirring frequently, for about 3 minutes until they turn pink.\r\n\r\nAdd the tomatoes and cook, stirring occasionally, for 3 minutes until they just start to soften. Drain the pasta and sugar snaps well, then toss into the prawn mixture. Tear in the basil leaves, stir, and season with salt and pepper.\r\n\r\nServe with salad leaves drizzled with the lime dressing, and warm crusty bread.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/usywpp1511189717.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SC17Mc70Db0", - "strIngredient1": "Linguine Pasta", - "strIngredient2": "Sugar Snap Peas", - "strIngredient3": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient5": "Red Chilli", - "strIngredient6": "King Prawns", - "strIngredient7": "Cherry Tomatoes", - "strIngredient8": "Basil Leaves", - "strIngredient9": "Lettuce", - "strIngredient10": "Bread", - "strIngredient11": "Fromage Frais", - "strIngredient12": "Lime", - "strIngredient13": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "280g", - "strMeasure2": "200g", - "strMeasure3": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure4": "2 cloves chopped", - "strMeasure5": "1 large", - "strMeasure6": "24 Skinned", - "strMeasure7": "12", - "strMeasure8": "Handful", - "strMeasure9": "Leaves", - "strMeasure10": "to serve", - "strMeasure11": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure12": "Grated Zest of 2", - "strMeasure13": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1269/chilli-prawn-linguine", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52840", - "strMeal": "Clam chowder", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Starter", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Rinse the clams in several changes of cold water and drain well. Tip the clams into a large pan with 500ml of water. Cover, bring to the boil and simmer for 2 mins until the clams have just opened. Tip the contents of the pan into a colander over a bowl to catch the clam stock. When cool enough to handle, remove the clams from their shells \u2013 reserving a handful of empty shells for presentation if you want. Strain the clam stock into a jug, leaving any grit in the bottom of the bowl. You should have around 800ml stock.\r\nHeat the butter in the same pan and sizzle the bacon for 3-4 mins until it starts to brown. Stir in the onion, thyme and bay and cook everything gently for 10 mins until the onion is soft and golden. Scatter over the flour and stir in to make a sandy paste, cook for 2 mins more, then gradually stir in the clam stock then the milk and the cream.\r\nThrow in the potatoes, bring everything to a simmer and leave to bubble away gently for 10 mins or until the potatoes are cooked. Use a fork to crush a few of the potato chunks against the side of the pan to help thicken \u2013 you still want lots of defined chunks though. Stir through the clam meat and the few clam shells, if you've gone down that route, and simmer for a minute to reheat. Season with plenty of black pepper and a little salt, if needed, then stir through the parsley just before ladling into bowls or hollowed-out crusty rolls.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/rvtvuw1511190488.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEN_fm6kX6k", - "strIngredient1": "Clams", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Bacon", - "strIngredient4": "Onion", - "strIngredient5": "Thyme", - "strIngredient6": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient7": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient8": "Milk", - "strIngredient9": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient10": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient11": "Parsley", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1\u00bd kg", - "strMeasure2": "50g", - "strMeasure3": "150g", - "strMeasure4": "1 finely chopped ", - "strMeasure5": "sprigs of fresh", - "strMeasure6": "1", - "strMeasure7": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure8": "150ml", - "strMeasure9": "150ml", - "strMeasure10": "2 medium", - "strMeasure11": "Chopped", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/clam-chowder", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52841", - "strMeal": "Creamy Tomato Soup", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Starter", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Put the oil, onions, celery, carrots, potatoes and bay leaves in a big casserole dish, or two saucepans. Fry gently until the onions are softened \u2013 about 10-15 mins. Fill the kettle and boil it.\r\nStir in the tomato pur\u00e9e, sugar, vinegar, chopped tomatoes and passata, then crumble in the stock cubes. Add 1 litre boiling water and bring to a simmer. Cover and simmer for 15 mins until the potato is tender, then remove the bay leaves. Pur\u00e9e with a stick blender (or ladle into a blender in batches) until very smooth. Season to taste and add a pinch more sugar if it needs it. The soup can now be cooled and chilled for up to 2 days, or frozen for up to 3 months.\r\nTo serve, reheat the soup, stirring in the milk \u2013 try not to let it boil. Serve in small bowls with cheesy sausage rolls.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/stpuws1511191310.jpg", - "strTags": "Baking", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBhwjjUiFk4", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Onions", - "strIngredient3": "Celery", - "strIngredient4": "Carrots", - "strIngredient5": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient6": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient7": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient8": "Sugar", - "strIngredient9": "White Vinegar", - "strIngredient10": "Chopped Tomatoes", - "strIngredient11": "Passata", - "strIngredient12": "Vegetable Stock Cube", - "strIngredient13": "Whole Milk", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "3 tbsp", - "strMeasure2": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure3": "2 sticks", - "strMeasure4": "300g", - "strMeasure5": "500g", - "strMeasure6": "4", - "strMeasure7": "5 tblsp ", - "strMeasure8": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure9": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure10": "1\u00bd kg", - "strMeasure11": "500g", - "strMeasure12": "3", - "strMeasure13": "400ml", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2604646/creamy-tomato-soup", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52846", - "strMeal": "Chicken & mushroom Hotpot", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6. Put the butter in a medium-size saucepan and place over a medium heat. Add the onion and leave to cook for 5 mins, stirring occasionally. Add the mushrooms to the saucepan with the onions.\r\n\r\nOnce the onion and mushrooms are almost cooked, stir in the flour \u2013 this will make a thick paste called a roux. If you are using a stock cube, crumble the cube into the roux now and stir well. Put the roux over a low heat and stir continuously for 2 mins \u2013 this will cook the flour and stop the sauce from having a floury taste.\r\n\r\nTake the roux off the heat. Slowly add the fresh stock, if using, or pour in 500ml water if you\u2019ve used a stock cube, stirring all the time. Once all the liquid has been added, season with pepper, a pinch of nutmeg and mustard powder. Put the saucepan back onto a medium heat and slowly bring it to the boil, stirring all the time. Once the sauce has thickened, place on a very low heat. Add the cooked chicken and vegetables to the sauce and stir well. Grease a medium-size ovenproof pie dish with a little butter and pour in the chicken and mushroom filling.\r\n\r\nCarefully lay the potatoes on top of the hot-pot filling, overlapping them slightly, almost like a pie top.\r\n\r\nBrush the potatoes with a little melted butter and cook in the oven for about 35 mins. The hot-pot is ready once the potatoes are cooked and golden brown.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/uuuspp1511297945.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXKWu4GojNI", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Mushrooms", - "strIngredient4": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient5": "Chicken Stock Cube", - "strIngredient6": "Nutmeg", - "strIngredient7": "Mustard Powder", - "strIngredient8": "Chicken", - "strIngredient9": "Sweetcorn", - "strIngredient10": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient11": "Butter", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "50g", - "strMeasure2": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure3": "100g ", - "strMeasure4": "40g", - "strMeasure5": "1", - "strMeasure6": "pinch", - "strMeasure7": "pinch", - "strMeasure8": "250g", - "strMeasure9": "2 Handfuls", - "strMeasure10": "2 large", - "strMeasure11": "1 knob", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/chicken-mushroom-hot-pot", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52850", - "strMeal": "Chicken Couscous", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Moroccan", - "strInstructions": "Heat the olive oil in a large frying pan and cook the onion for 1-2 mins just until softened. Add the chicken and fry for 7-10 mins until cooked through and the onions have turned golden. Grate over the ginger, stir through the harissa to coat everything and cook for 1 min more.\r\n\r\nTip in the apricots, chickpeas and couscous, then pour over the stock and stir once. Cover with a lid or tightly cover the pan with foil and leave for about 5 mins until the couscous has soaked up all the stock and is soft. Fluff up the couscous with a fork and scatter over the coriander to serve. Serve with extra harissa, if you like.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qxytrx1511304021.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZQGy9oscVk", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Chicken Breast", - "strIngredient4": "Ginger", - "strIngredient5": "Harissa Spice", - "strIngredient6": "Dried Apricots", - "strIngredient7": "Chickpeas", - "strIngredient8": "Couscous", - "strIngredient9": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient10": "Coriander", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure2": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure3": "200g", - "strMeasure4": "pinch", - "strMeasure5": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure6": "10", - "strMeasure7": "220g", - "strMeasure8": "200g", - "strMeasure9": "200ml", - "strMeasure10": "Handful", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/13139/onepan-chicken-couscous", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52853", - "strMeal": "Chocolate Avocado Mousse", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "1. Blend all the mousse ingredients together in your food processor until smooth. Add the cacao powder first and, as you blend, have all the ingredients to hand in order to adjust the ratios slightly as the size of avocados and bananas varies so much. The perfect ratio in order to avoid the dish tasting too much of either is to use equal amounts of both.\r\n\r\n2. Taste and add a few drops of stevia if you feel you need more sweetness.\r\n\r\n3. Fill little cups or shot glasses with the mousse, sprinkle with the cacao powder or nibs and serve.\r\n\r\nTip If you don\u2019t have a frozen banana to hand you can just use a normal one and then chill the mousse before serving for a cooling dessert.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/uttuxy1511382180.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuZffe60q4M", - "strIngredient1": "Banana", - "strIngredient2": "Cacao", - "strIngredient3": "Avocado", - "strIngredient4": "Honey", - "strIngredient5": "Lemon Juice", - "strIngredient6": "Vanilla", - "strIngredient7": "Water", - "strIngredient8": "Sea Salt", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1", - "strMeasure2": "3 tbsp", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure7": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure8": "pinch", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.hemsleyandhemsley.com/recipe/chocolate-avocado-mousse/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52856", - "strMeal": "Choc Chip Pecan Pie", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "First, make the pastry. Tip the ingredients into a food processor with 1 /4 tsp salt. Blend until the mixture resembles breadcrumbs. Drizzle 2-3 tsp cold water into the funnel while the blade is running \u2013 the mixture should start to clump together. Tip onto a work surface and bring together, kneading briefly into a ball. Pat into a disc, wrap in cling film, and chill for at least 20 mins. Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6.\r\n\r\nRemove the pastry from the fridge and leave at room temperature for 5 mins to soften. Flour the work surface, then unwrap the pastry and roll to a circle the thickness of a \u00a31 coin. Use the pastry to line a deep, 23cm round fluted tin \u2013 mine was about 3cm deep. Press the pastry into the corners and up the sides, making sure there are no gaps. Leave 1cm pastry overhanging (save some of the pastry scraps for later). Line with baking parchment (scrunch it up first to make it more pliable) and fill with baking beans. Blind-bake for 15-20 mins until the sides are set, then remove the parchment and beans and return to the oven for 5 mins until golden brown. Trim the pastry so it\u2019s flush with the top of the tin \u2013 a small serrated knife is best for this. If there are any cracks, patch them up with the pastry scraps.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, weigh the butter, syrup and sugars into a pan, and add 1 /4 tsp salt. Heat until the butter has melted and the sugar dissolved, stirring until smooth. Remove from the heat and cool for 10 mins. Reduce oven to 160C/140C fan/gas 3.\r\n\r\nBeat the eggs in a bowl. Add the syrup mixture, vanilla and pecans, and mix until well combined. Pour half the mixture into the tart case, scatter over half the chocolate chips, then cover with the remaining filling and chocolate chips. Bake on the middle shelf for 50-55 mins until set. Remove from the oven and leave to cool, then chill for at least 2 hrs before serving.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/rqvwxt1511384809.jpg", - "strTags": "Pie,Desert,Sweet,Nutty", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDpoT0jvg4Y", - "strIngredient1": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Cream Cheese", - "strIngredient4": "Icing Sugar", - "strIngredient5": "Butter", - "strIngredient6": "Maple Syrup", - "strIngredient7": "Light Brown Soft Sugar", - "strIngredient8": "Dark Brown Soft Sugar", - "strIngredient9": "Eggs", - "strIngredient10": "Vanilla Extract", - "strIngredient11": "Pecan Nuts", - "strIngredient12": "Dark Chocolate Chips", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "300g", - "strMeasure2": "75g", - "strMeasure3": "100g ", - "strMeasure4": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure5": "150g", - "strMeasure6": "200ml", - "strMeasure7": "250g", - "strMeasure8": "100g ", - "strMeasure9": "4", - "strMeasure10": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure11": "400g", - "strMeasure12": "200g", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/choc-chip-pecan-pie", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52860", - "strMeal": "Chocolate Raspberry Brownies", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 180C/160C fan/gas 4. Line a 20 x 30cm baking tray tin with baking parchment. Put the chocolate, butter and sugar in a pan and gently melt, stirring occasionally with a wooden spoon. Remove from the heat.\r\nStir the eggs, one by one, into the melted chocolate mixture. Sieve over the flour and cocoa, and stir in. Stir in half the raspberries, scrape into the tray, then scatter over the remaining raspberries. Bake on the middle shelf for 30 mins or, if you prefer a firmer texture, for 5 mins more. Cool before slicing into squares. Store in an airtight container for up to 3 days.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/yypvst1511386427.jpg", - "strTags": "Chocolate,Desert,Snack", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi89PqsAaAg", - "strIngredient1": "Dark Chocolate", - "strIngredient2": "Milk Chocolate", - "strIngredient3": "Salted Butter", - "strIngredient4": "Light Brown Soft Sugar", - "strIngredient5": "Eggs", - "strIngredient6": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient7": "Cocoa", - "strIngredient8": "Raspberries", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "200g", - "strMeasure2": "100g ", - "strMeasure3": "250g", - "strMeasure4": "400g", - "strMeasure5": "4 large", - "strMeasure6": "140g", - "strMeasure7": "50g", - "strMeasure8": "200g", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2121648/bestever-chocolate-raspberry-brownies", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52870", - "strMeal": "Chickpea Fajitas", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Mexican", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6 and line a baking tray with foil. Drain the chickpeas, pat dry and tip onto the prepared baking tray. Add the oil and paprika, toss to coat, then roast for 20-25 mins until browned and crisp, shaking halfway through cooking.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, put the tomatoes and onion in a small bowl with the vinegar and set aside to pickle. Put the avocado in another bowl and mash with a fork, leaving some larger chunks. Stir in the lime juice and season well. Mix the soured cream with the harissa and set aside until ready to serve.\r\n\r\nHeat a griddle pan until nearly smoking. Add the tortillas , one at a time, charring each side until hot with griddle lines. \r\n\r\nPut everything on the table and build the fajitas : spread a little of the harissa cream over the tortilla, top with roasted chickpeas, guacamole, pickled salsa and coriander, if you like. Serve with the lime wedges for squeezing over.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/tvtxpq1511464705.jpg", - "strTags": "Vegetarian", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGY3V7EGpT0", - "strIngredient1": "Chickpeas", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Paprika", - "strIngredient4": "Tomatoes", - "strIngredient5": "Red Onions", - "strIngredient6": "Red Wine Vinegar", - "strIngredient7": "Avocado", - "strIngredient8": "Lime", - "strIngredient9": "Lime", - "strIngredient10": "Sour Cream", - "strIngredient11": "Harissa Spice", - "strIngredient12": "Corn Tortillas", - "strIngredient13": "Coriander", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "400g", - "strMeasure2": "1 tblsp ", - "strMeasure3": "pinch", - "strMeasure4": "2 small cut chunks", - "strMeasure5": "1 finely sliced", - "strMeasure6": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure7": "1", - "strMeasure8": "Juice of 1", - "strMeasure9": "Chopped", - "strMeasure10": "100g ", - "strMeasure11": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure12": "4", - "strMeasure13": "to serve", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/chickpea-fajitas", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52875", - "strMeal": "Chicken Ham and Leek Pie", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Heat the chicken stock in a lidded saucepan. Add the chicken breast and bring to a low simmer. Cover with a lid and cook for 10 minutes. Remove the chicken breasts from the water with tongs and place on a plate. Pour the cooking liquor into a large jug.\r\nMelt 25g/1oz of the butter in a large heavy-based saucepan over a low heat. Stir in the leeks and fry gently for two minutes, stirring occasionally until just softened. Add the garlic and cook for a further minute. Add the remaining butter and stir in the flour as soon as the butter has melted. Cook for 30 seconds, stirring constantly.\r\nSlowly pour the milk into the pan, just a little at a time, stirring well between each adding. Gradually add 250ml/10fl oz of the reserved stock and the wine, if using, stirring until the sauce is smooth and thickened slightly. Bring to a gentle simmer and cook for 3 minutes.\r\nSeason the mixture, to taste, with salt and freshly ground black pepper. Remove from the heat and stir in the cream. Pour into a large bowl and cover the surface of the sauce with cling ilm to prevent a skin forming. Set aside to cool.\r\nPreheat the oven to 200C/400F/Gas 6. Put a baking tray in the oven to heat.\r\nFor the pastry, put the flour and butter in a food processor and blend on the pulse setting until the mixture resembles fine breadcrumbs. With the motor running, add the beaten egg and water and blend until the mixture forms a ball. Portion off 250g/10oz of pastry for the lid.\r\nRoll the remaining pastry out on a lightly floured surface, turning the pastry frequently until around 5mm/\u00bcin thick and 4cm/1\u00bdin larger than the pie dish. Lift the pastry over the rolling pin and place it gently into the pie dish. Press the pastry firmly up the sides, making sure there are no air bubbles. Leave the excess pastry overhanging the sides.\r\nCut the chicken breasts into 3cm/1\u00bcin pieces. Stir the chicken, ham and leeks into the cooled sauce. Pour the chicken filling into the pie dish. Brush the rim of the dish with beaten egg. Roll out the reserved pastry for the lid.\r\nCover the pie with the pastry lid and press the edges together firmly to seal. Trim any excess pastry.\r\nMake a small hole in the centre of the pie with the tip of a knife. Glaze the top of the pie with beaten egg. Bake on the preheated tray in the centre of the oven for 35-40 minutes or until the pie is golden-brown all over and the filling is piping hot.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xrrtss1511555269.jpg", - "strTags": "Pie,Meat", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xr-CpPE_lNk", - "strIngredient1": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient2": "Chicken Breast", - "strIngredient3": "Butter", - "strIngredient4": "Leek", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic", - "strIngredient6": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient7": "Milk", - "strIngredient8": "White Wine", - "strIngredient9": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient10": "Ham", - "strIngredient11": "Sea Salt", - "strIngredient12": "Pepper", - "strIngredient13": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient14": "Butter", - "strIngredient15": "Free-range Egg, Beaten", - "strIngredient16": "Cold Water", - "strIngredient17": "Free-range Egg, Beaten", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "450ml", - "strMeasure2": "3", - "strMeasure3": "75g", - "strMeasure4": "2 sliced", - "strMeasure5": "2 cloves minced", - "strMeasure6": "50g", - "strMeasure7": "200ml", - "strMeasure8": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "150ml", - "strMeasure10": "150g", - "strMeasure11": "spinkling", - "strMeasure12": "pinch", - "strMeasure13": "350g", - "strMeasure14": "200g", - "strMeasure15": "1", - "strMeasure16": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure17": "1", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/creamy_chicken_ham_and_03877", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52879", - "strMeal": "Chicken Parmentier", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "For the topping, boil the potatoes in salted water until tender. Drain and push through a potato ricer, or mash thoroughly. Stir in the butter, cream and egg yolks. Season and set aside.\r\nFor the filling, melt the butter in a large pan. Add the shallots, carrots and celery and gently fry until soft, then add the garlic. Pour in the wine and cook for 1 minute. Stir in the tomato pur\u00e9e, chopped tomatoes and stock and cook for 10\u201315 minutes, until thickened. Add the shredded chicken, olives and parsley. Season to taste with salt and pepper.\r\nPreheat the oven to 180C/160C Fan/Gas 4.\r\nPut the filling in a 20x30cm/8x12in ovenproof dish and top with the mashed potato. Grate over the Gruy\u00e8re. Bake for 30\u201335 minutes, until piping hot and the potato is golden-brown.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/uwvxpv1511557015.jpg", - "strTags": "Meat,Dairy", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tiG-xlmeyjg", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient4": "Egg Yolks", - "strIngredient5": "Butter", - "strIngredient6": "Shallots", - "strIngredient7": "Carrots", - "strIngredient8": "Celery", - "strIngredient9": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient10": "White Wine", - "strIngredient11": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient12": "Tinned Tomatos", - "strIngredient13": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient14": "Chicken", - "strIngredient15": "Black Olives", - "strIngredient16": "Parsley", - "strIngredient17": "Gruyere cheese", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1.5kg", - "strMeasure2": "30g", - "strMeasure3": "5 tblsp ", - "strMeasure4": "2", - "strMeasure5": "30g", - "strMeasure6": "7", - "strMeasure7": "3 chopped", - "strMeasure8": "2 sticks", - "strMeasure9": "1 finely chopped ", - "strMeasure10": "4 tbsp", - "strMeasure11": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure12": "400g", - "strMeasure13": "350ml", - "strMeasure14": "600g", - "strMeasure15": "16", - "strMeasure16": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure17": "50g", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/chicken_parmentier_25434", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52897", - "strMeal": "Carrot Cake", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "For the carrot cake, preheat the oven to 160C/325F/Gas 3. Grease and line a 26cm/10in springform cake tin.\r\nMix all of the ingredients for the carrot cake, except the carrots and walnuts, together in a bowl until well combined. Stir in the carrots and walnuts.\r\nSpoon the mixture into the cake tin and bake for 1 hour 15 minutes, or until a skewer inserted into the middle comes out clean. Remove the cake from the oven and set aside to cool for 10 minutes, then carefully remove the cake from the tin and set aside to cool completely on a cooling rack.\r\nMeanwhile, for the icing, beat the cream cheese, caster sugar and butter together in a bowl until fluffy. Spread the icing over the top of the cake with a palette knife.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vrspxv1511722107.jpg", - "strTags": "Cake,Treat,Sweet", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asjZ7iTrGKA", - "strIngredient1": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient3": "Bicarbonate Of Soda", - "strIngredient4": "Sugar", - "strIngredient5": "Eggs", - "strIngredient6": "Salt", - "strIngredient7": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient8": "Carrots", - "strIngredient9": "Walnuts", - "strIngredient10": "Cream Cheese", - "strIngredient11": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient12": "Butter", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "450ml", - "strMeasure2": "400g", - "strMeasure3": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure4": "550ml", - "strMeasure5": "5", - "strMeasure6": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure7": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "500g grated", - "strMeasure9": "150g", - "strMeasure10": "200g", - "strMeasure11": "150g", - "strMeasure12": "100g ", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/classic_carrot_cake_08513", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52898", - "strMeal": "Chelsea Buns", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Sift the flour and salt into a large bowl. Make a well in the middle and add the yeast.\r\nMeanwhile, warm the milk and butter in a saucepan until the butter melts and the mixture is lukewarm.\r\nAdd the milk mixture and egg to the flour mixture and stir until the contents of the bowl come together as a soft dough. (You may need to add a little extra flour.)\r\nTip the dough onto a generously floured work surface. Knead for five minutes, adding more flour if necessary, until the dough is smooth and elastic and no longer feels sticky.\r\nLightly oil a bowl with a little of the vegetable oil. Place the dough into the bowl and turn until it is covered in the oil. Cover the bowl with cling film and set aside in a warm place for one hour, or until the dough has doubled in size.\r\nLightly grease a baking tray.\r\nFor the filling, knock the dough back to its original size and turn out onto a lightly floured work surface. Roll the dough out into a rectangle 0.5cm/\u00bcin thick. Brush all over with the melted butter, then sprinkle over the brown sugar, cinnamon and dried fruit.\r\nRoll the dough up into a tight cylinder , cut ten 4cm/1\u00bdin slice and place them onto a lightly greased baking sheet, leaving a little space between each slice. Cover with a tea towel and set aside to rise for 30 minutes.\r\nPreheat oven to 190C/375F/Gas 5.\r\nBake the buns in the oven for 20-25 minutes, or until risen and golden-brown.\r\nMeanwhile, for the glaze, heat the milk and sugar in a saucepan until boiling. Reduce the heat and simmer for 2-3 minutes.\r\nRemove the buns from the oven and brush with the glaze, then set aside to cool on a wire rack.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vqpwrv1511723001.jpg", - "strTags": "Bun,Baking,Treat", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_zemP3yBKw", - "strIngredient1": "White Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Salt", - "strIngredient3": "Yeast", - "strIngredient4": "Milk", - "strIngredient5": "Butter", - "strIngredient6": "Eggs", - "strIngredient7": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient8": "Butter", - "strIngredient9": "Brown Sugar", - "strIngredient10": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient11": "Dried Fruit", - "strIngredient12": "Milk", - "strIngredient13": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "500g", - "strMeasure2": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure3": "7g", - "strMeasure4": "300ml ", - "strMeasure5": "40g", - "strMeasure6": "1", - "strMeasure7": "Dash", - "strMeasure8": "25g", - "strMeasure9": "75g", - "strMeasure10": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure11": "150g", - "strMeasure12": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure13": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/chelsea_buns_95015", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52905", - "strMeal": "Chocolate Souffle", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 220C/fan 200C/gas 7 and place a baking tray on the top shelf. For the sauce, heat the cream and sugar until boiling. Remove from the heat, stir in the chocolate and butter until melted, then keep warm.\r\nBrush 6 x 150ml ramekins with melted butter, sprinkle with the 2 tbsp caster sugar, then tip out any excess. Melt the chocolate and cream in a bowl over a pan of simmering water, cool, then mix in the egg yolks. Whisk the egg whites until they hold their shape, then add the sugar, 1 tbsp at a time, whisking back to the same consistency. Mix a spoonful into the chocolate, then gently fold in the rest.\r\nWorking quickly, fill the ramekins, wipe the rims clean and run your thumb around the edges. Turn oven down to 200C/fan 180C/gas 6, place the ramekins onto the baking tray, then bake for 8-10 mins until risen with a slight wobble. Don\u2019t open the oven door too early as this may make them collapse.\r\nOnce the souffl\u00e9s are ready, dust with icing sugar, scoop a small hole from their tops, then pour in some of the hot chocolate sauce. Replace the lids and serve straight away.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/twspvx1511784937.jpg", - "strTags": "DinnerParty,Desert,Pudding,Chocolate", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWqfkUEWOTg", - "strIngredient1": "Single Cream", - "strIngredient2": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Dark Chocolate", - "strIngredient4": "Butter", - "strIngredient5": "Butter", - "strIngredient6": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient7": "Dark Chocolate", - "strIngredient8": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient9": "Egg Yolks", - "strIngredient10": "Egg White", - "strIngredient11": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient12": "Icing Sugar", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "142ml", - "strMeasure2": "25g", - "strMeasure3": "100g ", - "strMeasure4": "25g", - "strMeasure5": "drizzle", - "strMeasure6": "50g", - "strMeasure7": "175g", - "strMeasure8": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "4", - "strMeasure10": "5", - "strMeasure11": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure12": "to serve", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/5816/hot-chocolate-souffls-with-chocolate-cream-sauce", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52910", - "strMeal": "Chinon Apple Tarts", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "To make the red wine jelly, put the red wine, jam sugar, star anise, clove, cinnamon stick, allspice, split vanilla pod and seeds in a medium saucepan. Stir together, then heat gently to dissolve the sugar. Turn up the heat and boil for 20 mins until reduced and syrupy. Strain into a small, sterilised jam jar and leave to cool completely. Will keep in the fridge for up to 1 month.\r\n\r\nTake the pastry out of the fridge and leave at room temperature for 10 mins, then unroll. Heat the grill to high and heat the oven to 180C/160C fan/gas 4. Cut out 2 x 13cm circles of pastry, using a plate as a guide, and place on a non-stick baking sheet. Sprinkle each circle with 1 tbsp sugar and grill for 5 mins to caramelise, watching carefully so that the sugar doesn\u2019t burn. Remove from the grill. Can be done a few hours ahead, and left, covered, out of the fridge.\r\n\r\nPeel, quarter and core the apples, cut into 2mm-thin slices and arrange on top of the pastry. Sprinkle over the remaining sugar and pop in the oven for 20-25 mins until the pastry is cooked through and golden, and the apples are softened. Remove and allow to cool slightly. Warm 3 tbsp of the red wine jelly in a small pan over a low heat with 1 tsp water to make it a little more runny, then brush over the top of the tarts.\r\n\r\nTip the cr\u00e8me fra\u00eeche into a bowl, sift over the icing sugar and cardamom, and mix together. Carefully lift the warm tarts onto serving plates and serve with the cardamom cr\u00e8me fra\u00eeche.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qtqwwu1511792650.jpg", - "strTags": "Tart,Baking", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dAW9HQgtCk", - "strIngredient1": "Puff Pastry", - "strIngredient2": "Dark Brown Soft Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Braeburn Apples", - "strIngredient4": "Red Wine Jelly", - "strIngredient5": "Creme Fraiche", - "strIngredient6": "Icing Sugar", - "strIngredient7": "Cardamom", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "320g", - "strMeasure2": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "3", - "strMeasure4": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "100ml", - "strMeasure6": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "3", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/chinon-apple-tarts", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52920", - "strMeal": "Chicken Marengo", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Heat the oil in a large flameproof casserole dish and stir-fry the mushrooms until they start to soften. Add the chicken legs and cook briefly on each side to colour them a little.\r\nPour in the passata, crumble in the stock cube and stir in the olives. Season with black pepper \u2013 you shouldn\u2019t need salt. Cover and simmer for 40 mins until the chicken is tender. Sprinkle with parsley and serve with pasta and a salad, or mash and green veg, if you like.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qpxvuq1511798906.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U33HYUr-0Fw", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Mushrooms", - "strIngredient3": "Chicken Legs", - "strIngredient4": "Passata", - "strIngredient5": "Chicken Stock Cube", - "strIngredient6": "Black Olives", - "strIngredient7": "Parsley", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure2": "300g", - "strMeasure3": "4", - "strMeasure4": "500g", - "strMeasure5": "1", - "strMeasure6": "100g ", - "strMeasure7": "Chopped", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/3146682/chicken-marengo", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52923", - "strMeal": "Canadian Butter Tarts", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "Canadian", - "strInstructions": "Preheat the oven to fan 170C/ conventional 190C/gas 5. Roll out the pastry on a lightly floured surface so it\u2019s slightly thinner than straight from the pack. Then cut out 18-20 rounds with a 7.5cm fluted cutter, re-rolling the trimmings. Use the rounds to line two deep 12-hole tart tins (not muffin tins). If you only have a regular-sized, 12-hole tart tin you will be able to make a few more slightly shallower tarts.\r\nBeat the eggs in a large bowl and combine with the rest of the ingredients except the walnuts. Tip this mixture into a pan and stir continuously for 3-4 minutes until the butter melts, and the mixture bubbles and starts to thicken. It should be thick enough to coat the back of a wooden spoon. Don\u2019t overcook, and be sure to stir all the time as the mixture can easily burn. Remove from the heat and stir in the nuts.\r\nSpoon the filling into the unbaked tart shells so it\u2019s level with the pastry. Bake for 15-18 minutes until set and pale golden. Leave in the tin to cool for a few minutes before lifting out on to a wire rack. Serve warm or cold.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wpputp1511812960.jpg", - "strTags": "Speciality,Snack,Desert,Pudding", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUpaOGghOdo", - "strIngredient1": "Shortcrust Pastry", - "strIngredient2": "Eggs", - "strIngredient3": "Muscovado Sugar", - "strIngredient4": "Raisins", - "strIngredient5": "Vanilla Extract", - "strIngredient6": "Butter", - "strIngredient7": "Single Cream", - "strIngredient8": "Walnuts", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "375g", - "strMeasure2": "2 large", - "strMeasure3": "175g", - "strMeasure4": "100g ", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "50g", - "strMeasure7": "4 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "50g", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1837/canadian-butter-tarts", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52934", - "strMeal": "Chicken Basquaise", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Preheat the oven to 180\u00b0C/Gas mark 4. Have the chicken joints ready to cook. Heat the butter and 3 tbsp olive oil in a flameproof casserole or large frying pan. Brown the chicken pieces in batches on both sides, seasoning them with salt and pepper as you go. Don't crowd the pan - fry the chicken in small batches, removing the pieces to kitchen paper as they are done.\r\n\r\nAdd a little more olive oil to the casserole and fry the onions over a medium heat for 10 minutes, stirring frequently, until softened but not browned. Add the rest of the oil, then the peppers and cook for another 5 minutes.\r\n\r\nAdd the chorizo, sun-dried tomatoes and garlic and cook for 2-3 minutes. Add the rice, stirring to ensure it is well coated in the oil. Stir in the tomato paste, paprika, bay leaves and chopped thyme. Pour in the stock and wine. When the liquid starts to bubble, turn the heat down to a gentle simmer. Press the rice down into the liquid if it isn't already submerged and place the chicken on top. Add the lemon wedges and olives around the chicken.\r\n\r\nCover and cook in the oven for 50 minutes. The rice should be cooked but still have some bite, and the chicken should have juices that run clear when pierced in the thickest part with a knife. If not, cook for another 5 minutes and check again.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wruvqv1511880994.jpg", - "strTags": "Meat", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emfm6TwsVhg", - "strIngredient1": "Chicken", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Red Onions", - "strIngredient5": "Red Pepper", - "strIngredient6": "Chorizo", - "strIngredient7": "Sun-Dried Tomatoes", - "strIngredient8": "Garlic", - "strIngredient9": "Basmati Rice", - "strIngredient10": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient11": "Paprika", - "strIngredient12": "Bay Leaves", - "strIngredient13": "Thyme", - "strIngredient14": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient15": "Dry White Wine", - "strIngredient16": "Lemons", - "strIngredient17": "Black Olives", - "strIngredient18": "Salt", - "strIngredient19": "Pepper", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1.5kg", - "strMeasure2": "25g", - "strMeasure3": "6 tblsp", - "strMeasure4": "2 sliced", - "strMeasure5": "3 Large", - "strMeasure6": "130g", - "strMeasure7": "8", - "strMeasure8": "6 cloves sliced", - "strMeasure9": "300g", - "strMeasure10": "drizzle", - "strMeasure11": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure12": "4", - "strMeasure13": "Handful", - "strMeasure14": "350ml", - "strMeasure15": "180g", - "strMeasure16": "2", - "strMeasure17": "100g ", - "strMeasure18": "to serve", - "strMeasure19": "to serve", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.rivercottage.net/recipes/chicken-basquaise", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52939", - "strMeal": "Callaloo Jamaican Style", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Miscellaneous", - "strArea": "Jamaican", - "strInstructions": "Cut leaves and soft stems from the kale branches, them soak in a bowl of cold water for about 5-10 minutes or until finish with prep.\r\nProceed to slicing the onions, mincing the garlic and dicing the tomatoes. Set aside\r\nRemove kale from water cut in chunks.\r\nPlace bacon on saucepan and cook until crispy. Then add onions, garlic, thyme, stir for about a minute or more\r\nAdd tomatoes; scotch bonnet pepper, smoked paprika. Saut\u00e9 for about 2-3 more minutes.\r\nFinally add vegetable, salt, mix well, and steamed for about 6-8 minutes or until leaves are tender. Add a tiny bit of water as needed. Adjust seasonings and turn off the heat.\r\nUsing a sharp knife cut both ends off the plantain. This will make it easy to grab the skin of the plantains. Slit a shallow line down the long seam of the plantain; peel only as deep as the peel. Remove plantain peel by pulling it back.\r\nSlice the plantain into medium size lengthwise slices and set aside.\r\nCoat a large frying pan with cooking oil spray. Spray the tops of the plantains with a generous layer of oil spray and sprinkle with salt, freshly ground pepper.\r\nLet the plantains \"fry\" on medium heat, shaking the frying pan to redistribute them every few minutes.\r\nAs the plantains brown, continue to add more cooking oil spray, salt and pepper (if needed) until they have reached the desired color and texture.\r\nRemove and serve with kale", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ussyxw1515364536.jpg", - "strTags": "Savory", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCr3GasJWwE", - "strIngredient1": "Kale", - "strIngredient2": "Bacon", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Onion", - "strIngredient5": "Paprika", - "strIngredient6": "Thyme", - "strIngredient7": "Tomato", - "strIngredient8": "Red Pepper", - "strIngredient9": "Banana", - "strIngredient10": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 bunch", - "strMeasure2": "2 strips", - "strMeasure3": "3 cloves Chopped", - "strMeasure4": "1 medium", - "strMeasure5": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure6": "1 Sprig", - "strMeasure7": "1", - "strMeasure8": "1", - "strMeasure9": "4", - "strMeasure10": "Splash", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.africanbites.com/callaloo-jamaican-style/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52956", - "strMeal": "Chicken Congee", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Chinese", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1 - MARINATING THE CHICKEN\r\nIn a bowl, add chicken, salt, white pepper, ginger juice and then mix it together well.\r\nSet the chicken aside.\r\nSTEP 2 - RINSE THE WHITE RICE\r\nRinse the rice in a metal bowl or pot a couple times and then drain the water.\r\nSTEP 2 - BOILING THE WHITE RICE\r\nNext add 8 cups of water and then set the stove on high heat until it is boiling. Once rice porridge starts to boil, set the stove on low heat and then stir it once every 8-10 minutes for around 20-25 minutes.\r\nAfter 25 minutes, this is optional but you can add a little bit more water to make rice porridge to make it less thick or to your preference.\r\nNext add the marinated chicken to the rice porridge and leave the stove on low heat for another 10 minutes.\r\nAfter an additional 10 minutes add the green onions, sliced ginger, 1 pinch of salt, 1 pinch of white pepper and stir for 10 seconds.\r\nServe the rice porridge in a bowl\r\nOptional: add Coriander on top of the rice porridge.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1529446352.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqEfk801E94", - "strIngredient1": "Chicken", - "strIngredient2": "Salt", - "strIngredient3": "Pepper", - "strIngredient4": "Ginger Cordial", - "strIngredient5": "Ginger", - "strIngredient6": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient7": "Rice", - "strIngredient8": "Water", - "strIngredient9": "Coriander", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "8 oz ", - "strMeasure2": "pinch", - "strMeasure3": "pinch", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure8": "8 cups ", - "strMeasure9": "2 oz ", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://sueandgambo.com/pages/chicken-congee", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52966", - "strMeal": "Chocolate Caramel Crispy", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Grease and line a 20 x 20cm/8\" x 8\" baking tin with parchment paper.\r\nPut the mars bars and butter in a heat proof bowl and place over a pan of barely simmering water. Mixing with a whisk, melt until the mixture is smooth.\r\nPour over the rice krispies in a mixing bowl and mix until all the ingredients are evenly combined. Press evenly into the prepare baking tin and set aside.\r\nMelt the milk chocolate in the microwave or over a pan of barely simmering water.\r\nSpread the melted chocolate over the rice krispie mixture and leave to set in a cool place. Once set slice into squares and serve!", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1550442508.jpg", - "strTags": "Sweet,Snack,Treat,Tart,Alcoholic,BBQ", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsk_At_gjv0", - "strIngredient1": "Mars Bar", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Rice Krispies", - "strIngredient4": "Milk Chocolate", - "strIngredient5": "", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "6 chopped", - "strMeasure2": "150g", - "strMeasure3": "120g", - "strMeasure4": "150g", - "strMeasure5": " ", - "strMeasure6": " ", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "http://www.donalskehan.com/recipes/chocolate-caramel-rice-crispy-treats/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52969", - "strMeal": "Chakchouka ", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Miscellaneous", - "strArea": "Tunisian", - "strInstructions": "In a large cast iron skillet or saut\u00e9 pan with a lid, heat oil over medium high heat. Add the onion and saut\u00e9 for 2-3 minutes, until softened. Add the peppers and garlic, and saut\u00e9 for an additional 3-5 minutes. Add the tomatoes, cumin, paprika, salt, and chili powder. Mix well and bring the mixture to a simmer. Reduce the heat to medium low and continue to simmer, uncovered, 10-15 minutes until the mixture has thickened to your desired consistency. (Taste the sauce at this point and adjust for salt and spice, as desired.) Using the back of a spoon, make four craters in the mixture, large enough to hold an egg. Crack one egg into each of the craters. Cover the skillet and simmer for 5-7 minutes, until the eggs have set. Serve immediately with crusty bread or pita.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/gpz67p1560458984.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHKNu93MSx4", - "strIngredient1": "Tomatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Onion", - "strIngredient4": "Red Pepper", - "strIngredient5": "Green Pepper", - "strIngredient6": "Garlic", - "strIngredient7": "Cumin", - "strIngredient8": "Paprika", - "strIngredient9": "Salt", - "strIngredient10": "Chili Powder", - "strIngredient11": "Eggs", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "1 Diced", - "strMeasure4": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure5": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure6": "3 Cloves Crushed", - "strMeasure7": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure8": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure9": "3/4 teaspoon", - "strMeasure10": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure11": "4", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.curiouscuisiniere.com/chakchouka/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52976", - "strMeal": "Cashew Ghoriba Biscuits", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "Tunisian", - "strInstructions": "Preheat the oven at 180 C / Gas 4. Line a baking tray with greaseproof paper.\r\nIn a bowl, mix the cashews and icing sugar. Add the egg yolks and orange blossom water and mix to a smooth homogeneous paste.\r\nTake lumps of the cashew paste and shape into small balls. Roll the balls in icing sugar and transfer to the baking tray. Push an almond in the centre of each ghribia.\r\nBake until the biscuits are lightly golden, about 20 minutes. Keep an eye on them, they burn quickly.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/t3r3ka1560461972.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqXEZUk4hWI", - "strIngredient1": "Cashew Nuts", - "strIngredient2": "Icing Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Egg Yolks", - "strIngredient4": "Orange Blossom Water", - "strIngredient5": "Icing Sugar", - "strIngredient6": "Almonds", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "250g", - "strMeasure2": "100g ", - "strMeasure3": "2", - "strMeasure4": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "To Glaze", - "strMeasure6": "100g ", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/40152/cashew-ghoriba-biscuits.aspx", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52977", - "strMeal": "Corba", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Side", - "strArea": "Turkish", - "strInstructions": "Pick through your lentils for any foreign debris, rinse them 2 or 3 times, drain, and set aside. Fair warning, this will probably turn your lentils into a solid block that you\u2019ll have to break up later\r\nIn a large pot over medium-high heat, saut\u00e9 the olive oil and the onion with a pinch of salt for about 3 minutes, then add the carrots and cook for another 3 minutes.\r\nAdd the tomato paste and stir it around for around 1 minute. Now add the cumin, paprika, mint, thyme, black pepper, and red pepper as quickly as you can and stir for 10 seconds to bloom the spices. Congratulate yourself on how amazing your house now smells.\r\nImmediately add the lentils, water, broth, and salt. Bring the soup to a (gentle) boil.\r\nAfter it has come to a boil, reduce heat to medium-low, cover the pot halfway, and cook for 15-20 minutes or until the lentils have fallen apart and the carrots are completely cooked.\r\nAfter the soup has cooked and the lentils are tender, blend the soup either in a blender or simply use a hand blender to reach the consistency you desire. Taste for seasoning and add more salt if necessary.\r\nServe with crushed-up crackers, torn up bread, or something else to add some extra thickness. You could also use a traditional thickener (like cornstarch or flour), but I prefer to add crackers for some texture and saltiness. Makes great leftovers, stays good in the fridge for about a week.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/58oia61564916529.jpg", - "strTags": "Soup", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVnZd8A84z4", - "strIngredient1": "Lentils", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Carrots", - "strIngredient4": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient5": "Cumin", - "strIngredient6": "Paprika", - "strIngredient7": "Mint", - "strIngredient8": "Thyme", - "strIngredient9": "Black Pepper", - "strIngredient10": "Red Pepper Flakes", - "strIngredient11": "Vegetable Stock", - "strIngredient12": "Water", - "strIngredient13": "Sea Salt", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure2": "1 large", - "strMeasure3": "1 large", - "strMeasure4": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure6": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure7": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure9": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure10": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure11": "4 cups ", - "strMeasure12": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure13": "Pinch", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://findingtimeforcooking.com/main-dishes/red-lentil-soup-corba/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52989", - "strMeal": "Christmas Pudding Trifle", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Peel the oranges using a sharp knife, ensuring all the pith is removed. Slice as thinly as possible and arrange over a dinner plate. Sprinkle with the demerara sugar followed by the Grand Marnier and set aside.\r\n\r\nCrumble the Christmas pudding into large pieces and scatter over the bottom of a trifle bowl. Lift the oranges onto the pudding in a layer and pour over any juices.\r\n\r\nBeat the mascarpone until smooth, then stir in the custard. Spoon the mixture over the top of the oranges.\r\n\r\nLightly whip the cream and spoon over the custard. Sprinkle with the flaked almonds and grated chocolate. You can make this a day in advance if you like, chill until ready to serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/r33cud1576791081.jpg", - "strTags": "Christmas", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRfyNQs5qhU", - "strIngredient1": "Orange", - "strIngredient2": "Demerara Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Grand Marnier", - "strIngredient4": "Christmas Pudding", - "strIngredient5": "Custard", - "strIngredient6": "Mascarpone", - "strIngredient7": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient8": "Flaked Almonds", - "strIngredient9": "Dark Chocolate", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "3", - "strMeasure2": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "300g", - "strMeasure5": "500g", - "strMeasure6": "250g", - "strMeasure7": "284ml", - "strMeasure8": "Handful", - "strMeasure9": "Grated", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1826685/christmas-pudding-trifle", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52988", - "strMeal": "Classic Christmas pudding", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Get everything for the pudding prepared. Chop the almonds coarsely. Peel, core and chop the cooking apples. Sharpen your knife and chop the candied peel. (You can chop the almonds and apples in a food processor, but the peel must be done by hand.) Grate three quarters of the nutmeg (sounds a lot but it's correct).\r\n\r\nMix the almonds, apples, candied peel, nutmeg, raisins, flour, breadcrumbs, light muscovado sugar, eggs and 2 tbsp brandy or cognac in a large bowl.\u2028\r\n\r\nHolding the butter in its wrapper, grate a quarter of it into the bowl, then stir everything together. Repeat until all the butter is grated, then stir for 3-4 mins \u2013 the mixture is ready when it subsides slightly after each stir. Ask the family to stir too, and get everyone to make a wish.\u2028\r\n\r\nGenerously butter two 1.2 litre bowls and put a circle of baking parchment in the bottom of each. Pack in the pudding mixture. Cover with a double layer of baking parchment, pleating it to allow for expansion, then tie with string (keep the paper in place with a rubber band while tying). Trim off any excess paper.\u2028\r\n\r\nNow stand each bowl on a large sheet of foil and bring the edges up over the top, then put another sheet of foil over the top and bring it down underneath to make a double package (this makes the puddings watertight). Tie with more string, and make a handle for easy lifting in and out of the pan. Watch our video to see how to tie up a pudding correctly.\r\n\r\nBoil or oven steam the puddings for 8 hrs, topping up with water as necessary. Remove from the pans and leave to cool overnight. When cold, discard the messy wrappings and re-wrap in new baking parchment, foil and string. Store in a cool, dry place until Christmas.\u2028\r\n\r\nTo make the brandy butter, cream the butter with the orange zest and icing sugar. Gradually beat in the brandy or cognac and chopped stem ginger. Put in a small bowl, fork the top attractively and put in the fridge to set. The butter will keep for a week in the fridge, or it can be frozen for up to six weeks.\u2028\r\n\r\nOn Christmas Day, boil or oven steam for 1 hr. Unwrap and turn out. To flame, warm 3-4 tbsp brandy in a small pan, pour it over the pudding and set light to it.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1d85821576790598.jpg", - "strTags": "Christmas", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pb_lJxL1vtk", - "strIngredient1": "Almonds", - "strIngredient2": "Bramley Apples", - "strIngredient3": "Candied Peel", - "strIngredient4": "Nutmeg", - "strIngredient5": "Raisins", - "strIngredient6": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient7": "Breadcrumbs", - "strIngredient8": "Muscovado Sugar", - "strIngredient9": "Eggs", - "strIngredient10": "Brandy", - "strIngredient11": "Butter", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "50g", - "strMeasure2": "2 large", - "strMeasure3": "200g", - "strMeasure4": "1 whole", - "strMeasure5": "1kg", - "strMeasure6": "140g", - "strMeasure7": "100g ", - "strMeasure8": "100g ", - "strMeasure9": "3 Large", - "strMeasure10": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure11": "250g", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/classic-christmas-pudding", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52990", - "strMeal": "Christmas cake", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 160C/fan 140C/gas 3. Line the base and sides of a 20 cm round, 7.5 cm deep cake tin. Beat the butter and sugar with an electric hand mixer for 1-2 mins until very creamy and pale in colour, scraping down the sides of the bowl half way through. Stir in a spoonful of the flour, then stir in the beaten egg and the rest of the flour alternately, a quarter at a time, beating well each time with a wooden spoon. Stir in the almonds.\r\n\r\nMix in the sherry (the mix will look curdled), then add the peel, cherries, raisins, cherries, nuts, lemon zest, spice, rosewater and vanilla. Beat together to mix, then stir in the baking powder.\r\n\r\nSpoon mixture into the tin and smooth the top, making a slight dip in the centre. Bake for 30 mins, then lower temperature to 150C/fan 130C/gas 2 and bake a further 2-2\u00bc hrs, until a skewer insterted in the middle comes out clean. Leave to cool in the tin, then take out of the tin and peel off the lining paper. When completely cold, wrap well in cling film and foil to store until ready to decorate. The cake will keep for several months.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ldnrm91576791881.jpg", - "strTags": "Christmas", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34yeL8TstO0", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Muscovado Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient4": "Eggs", - "strIngredient5": "Ground Almonds", - "strIngredient6": "Sherry", - "strIngredient7": "Candied Peel", - "strIngredient8": "Glace Cherry", - "strIngredient9": "Raisins", - "strIngredient10": "Currants", - "strIngredient11": "Pecan Nuts", - "strIngredient12": "Lemon", - "strIngredient13": "Mixed Spice", - "strIngredient14": "Rose water", - "strIngredient15": "Vanilla Extract", - "strIngredient16": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "200g", - "strMeasure2": "200g", - "strMeasure3": "200g", - "strMeasure4": "4 Beaten", - "strMeasure5": "50g", - "strMeasure6": "100ml", - "strMeasure7": "85g", - "strMeasure8": "85g", - "strMeasure9": "250g", - "strMeasure10": "250g", - "strMeasure11": "100g ", - "strMeasure12": "Grated zest of 1", - "strMeasure13": "1 \u00bd tbsp", - "strMeasure14": "1 \u00bd tbsp", - "strMeasure15": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure16": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/angela-nilsens-christmas-cake", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52998", - "strMeal": "Corned Beef and Cabbage", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Irish", - "strInstructions": "1\r\n\r\nPlace corned beef in large pot or Dutch oven and cover with water. Add the spice packet that came with the corned beef. Cover pot and bring to a boil, then reduce to a simmer. Simmer approximately 50 minutes per pound or until tender.\r\n\r\n2\r\n\r\nAdd whole potatoes and peeled and cut carrots, and cook until the vegetables are almost tender. Add cabbage and cook for 15 more minutes. Remove meat and let rest 15 minutes.\r\n\r\n3\r\n\r\nPlace vegetables in a bowl and cover. Add as much broth (cooking liquid reserved in the Dutch oven or large pot) as you want. Slice meat across the grain.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xb97a81583266727.jpg", - "strTags": "", - "strYoutube": "", - "strIngredient1": "Beef Brisket", - "strIngredient2": "Small Potatoes", - "strIngredient3": "Carrots", - "strIngredient4": "Cabbage", - "strIngredient5": "", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "3 Lbs", - "strMeasure2": "10", - "strMeasure3": "5", - "strMeasure4": "1 head", - "strMeasure5": " ", - "strMeasure6": " ", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52999", - "strMeal": "Crispy Sausages and Greens", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "Irish", - "strInstructions": "Preheat the oven to 350\u00b0. Remove the stems from one bunch of Tuscan kale and tear the leaves into 1\" pieces (mustard greens, collards, spinach, and chard are great, too). Coarsely chop half a head of green cabbage. Combine the greens in a large baking dish and add 4 cloves of thinly sliced garlic. Adding some sliced onions and shiitake mushrooms at this point is optional, but highly recommended (I'll saut\u00e9 the onions and mushrooms in a cast iron baking dish right on the stove before adding to the greens). Coat the greens with some olive oil and pour \u00bd cup chicken stock or broth over everything. Cover the dish with foil and bake until the greens are wilted, about 15 minutes. Remove foil and season with salt and pepper. Continue to bake until cabbage is tender, about 20-25 minutes more.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, heat a little olive oil in a large skillet over medium-high. Prick four sweet Italian sausages with a fork and cook until browned on all sides and cooked through, 10 to 12 minutes. When the greens are done, slice the sausage and toss into the greens with a splash of your favorite vinegar (I like sherry or red wine).", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/st1ifa1583267248.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "", - "strIngredient1": "Kale", - "strIngredient2": "Italian Fennel Sausages", - "strIngredient3": "Cabbage", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient5": "Onion", - "strIngredient6": "Shiitake Mushrooms", - "strIngredient7": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient8": "Salt", - "strIngredient9": "Pepper", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 bunch", - "strMeasure2": "8", - "strMeasure3": "1 Head chopped", - "strMeasure4": "8", - "strMeasure5": "Sliced", - "strMeasure6": "Sliced", - "strMeasure7": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bonappetit.com/columns/cooking-without-recipes/article/kale-cabbage-sausage-weeknight-dinner", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53011", - "strMeal": "Chicken Quinoa Greek Salad", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Greek", - "strInstructions": "Cook the quinoa following the pack instructions, then rinse in cold water and drain thoroughly.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, mix the butter, chilli and garlic into a paste. Toss the chicken fillets in 2 tsp of the olive oil with some seasoning. Lay in a hot griddle pan and cook for 3-4 mins each side or until cooked through. Transfer to a plate, dot with the spicy butter and set aside to melt.\r\n\r\nNext, tip the tomatoes, olives, onion, feta and mint into a bowl. Toss in the cooked quinoa. Stir through the remaining olive oil, lemon juice and zest, and season well. Serve with the chicken fillets on top, drizzled with any buttery chicken juices.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/k29viq1585565980.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akcrkXYr61M", - "strIngredient1": "Quinoa", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Red Chilli", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Chicken Breast", - "strIngredient6": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient7": "Black Olives", - "strIngredient8": "Red Onions", - "strIngredient9": "Feta", - "strIngredient10": "Mint", - "strIngredient11": "Lemon", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "225g", - "strMeasure2": "25g", - "strMeasure3": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure4": "1 clove finely chopped", - "strMeasure5": "400g", - "strMeasure6": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "Handful", - "strMeasure8": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure9": "100g ", - "strMeasure10": "Chopped", - "strMeasure11": "Juice of 1/2", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/griddled-chicken-quinoa-greek-salad", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53016", - "strMeal": "Chick-Fil-A Sandwich", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Wrap the chicken loosely between plastic wrap and pound gently with the flat side of a meat tenderizer until about 1/2 inch thick all around.\r\nCut into two pieces, as even as possible.\r\nMarinate in the pickle juice for 30 minutes to one hour (add a teaspoon of Tabasco sauce now for a spicy sandwich).\r\nBeat the egg with the milk in a bowl.\r\nCombine the flour, sugar, and spices in another bowl.\r\nDip the chicken pieces each into the egg on both sides, then coat in flour on both sides.\r\nHeat the oil in a skillet (1/2 inch deep) to about 345-350.\r\nFry each cutlet for 2 minutes on each side, or until golden and cooked through.\r\nBlot on paper and serve on toasted buns with pickle slices.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/sbx7n71587673021.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WDesu7bUDM", - "strIngredient1": "Chicken Breast", - "strIngredient2": "Pickle Juice", - "strIngredient3": "Egg", - "strIngredient4": "Milk", - "strIngredient5": "Flour", - "strIngredient6": "Icing Sugar", - "strIngredient7": "Paprika", - "strIngredient8": "Salt", - "strIngredient9": "Black Pepper", - "strIngredient10": "Garlic Powder", - "strIngredient11": "Celery Salt", - "strIngredient12": "Cayenne Pepper", - "strIngredient13": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient14": "Sesame Seed Burger Buns", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1", - "strMeasure2": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure5": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure6": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure9": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure10": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure11": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure12": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure13": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure14": "1", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://hilahcooking.com/chick-fil-a-copycat/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53037", - "strMeal": "Coddled pork with cider", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "Irish", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1\r\nHeat the butter in a casserole dish until sizzling, then fry the pork for 2-3 mins on each side until browned. Remove from the pan.\r\n\r\nSTEP 2\r\nTip the bacon, carrot, potatoes and swede into the pan, then gently fry until slightly coloured. Stir in the cabbage, sit the chops back on top, add the bay leaf, then pour over the cider and stock. Cover the pan, then leave everything to gently simmer for 20 mins until the pork is cooked through and the vegetables are tender.\r\n\r\nSTEP 3\r\nServe at the table spooned straight from the dish.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/7vpsfp1608588991.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftn_4mc-65o", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Pork Chops", - "strIngredient3": "Bacon", - "strIngredient4": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient5": "Carrots", - "strIngredient6": "Swede", - "strIngredient7": "Cabbage", - "strIngredient8": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient9": "Cider", - "strIngredient10": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "Knob", - "strMeasure2": "2", - "strMeasure3": "4", - "strMeasure4": "2", - "strMeasure5": "1", - "strMeasure6": "1/2 ", - "strMeasure7": "1/2 ", - "strMeasure8": "1", - "strMeasure9": "100ml", - "strMeasure10": "100g ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/irish-coddled-pork-cider", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53055", - "strMeal": "Cevapi Sausages", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Croatian", - "strInstructions": "Place the ground meat in a bowl. Chop the onion very finely and grate the garlic cloves. Add to the bowl. Add the chopped parsley, all sorts of paprika, baking soda, dried breadcrumbs, water, Vegeta, salt, and pepper.\r\nMix well with the hand mixer fitted with the dough hooks. Cover the bowl with cling film/ plastic foil and leave to rest for 1 or 2 hours in the refrigerator.\r\nTake portions of the meat mixture, about 50-55 g/ 1.7-1.9 oz/ \u00bc cup portions, and form the cevapi. The rolls should be about as thick as your thumb and about 7-10 cm/ 3-4 inches long. I had 18 sausages. The recipe can be easily doubled.\r\nGrill the cevapcici on the hot grill pan or on the barbecue for about 12-14 minutes, turning them several times in between, or until brown and cooked through. I checked by cutting one in the middle and then grilling the following batches for the same period of time.\r\nServe hot as suggested above. The cevapcici can be reheated in the oven at 180 degrees Celsius/ 350 degrees Fahrenheit for about 10 minutes or until heated through. Check one, if it is not hot enough, give the sausages a few more minutes.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vc08jn1628769553.jpg", - "strTags": "Sausages", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MpSxSgS7f8", - "strIngredient1": "Minced Beef", - "strIngredient2": "Minced Pork", - "strIngredient3": "Onion", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Parsley", - "strIngredient6": "Paprika", - "strIngredient7": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient8": "Breadcrumbs", - "strIngredient9": "Water", - "strIngredient10": "Vegetable Stock Cube", - "strIngredient11": "Salt", - "strIngredient12": "Pepper", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "500g", - "strMeasure2": "250g", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "4 cloves", - "strMeasure5": "3 tblsp chopped", - "strMeasure6": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "3/4 teaspoon", - "strMeasure8": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "1", - "strMeasure11": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure12": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://whereismyspoon.co/cevapi-or-cevapcici-recipe-grilled-sausages-croatian-food/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53056", - "strMeal": "Croatian lamb peka", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Croatian", - "strInstructions": "Preheat oven to 200\u00b0C fan / 220\u00b0C / 425\u00b0F / Gas mark 7\r\nIf you have not bought diced lamb, cut your lamb shoulder or leg into large chunks and place to one side.\r\nChunks of chopped lamb of a red chopping board\r\nMake oil marinade -\r\nMix 80ml of olive oil in a bowl with garlic puree, sundried tomato puree ,black pepper and salt.\r\nolive oil, gia sundried tomato puree and gia garlic puree and black pepper mixed together in a silver bowl to make Croatian peka\r\nAdd potatoes and vegetables into a large lidded casserole dish.\r\nChopped up vegetables which consist of chopped up red onion, courgette, potatoes red peppers in a cast iron pan\r\nPlace diced lamb on top of the vegetables, pour the marinade and wine over the top.\r\nChunks of lamb covered in in a sundried tomato oil sauce which is on top of chopped red onion, aubergine, courgette and potatoes in a cast iron pan\r\nAdd the rosemary, thyme and sage, trying to keep the herbs on top.\r\nSo you can easily remove the herb stalks once cooked.\r\nChunks of lamb coated in a sundried tomato oil sauce and covered with thyme, rosemary and sage which is on top of chopped red onion, aubergine, courgette and potatoes in a cast iron pan\r\nPlace lid on the casserole dish and cook for 1hr 30 minute\r\nIf you do not have a lid cover very well with kitchen foil\r\nCast iron dish with lid on in the oven\r\nTake the lid off, remove any thick herb stems. Stir in 2 tbsp of olive oil.\r\nCook for a further 20-30 mins.\r\nCooked Croatian Lamb Peka in a cast iron pan in the oven\r\nServe with fresh homemade bread to dip into the juices.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/pn59o51628769837.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0ipnz4fwJI", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Courgettes", - "strIngredient3": "Carrots", - "strIngredient4": "Green Pepper", - "strIngredient5": "Aubergine", - "strIngredient6": "Onion", - "strIngredient7": "Lamb Shoulder", - "strIngredient8": "Garlic Sauce", - "strIngredient9": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient10": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient11": "Thyme", - "strIngredient12": "White Wine", - "strIngredient13": "Pepper", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "600g", - "strMeasure2": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure3": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure4": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure5": "1 small", - "strMeasure6": "1 Large Chopped", - "strMeasure7": "800g", - "strMeasure8": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "80 ml ", - "strMeasure11": "Sprinking", - "strMeasure12": "250ml", - "strMeasure13": "Pinch", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://flawlessfood.co.uk/croatian-lamb-peka/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53058", - "strMeal": "Croatian Bean Stew", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Croatian", - "strInstructions": "Heat the oil in a pan. Add the chopped vegetables and saut\u00e9 until tender. Take a pot, empty the beans together with the vegetables into it, put the sausages inside and cook for further 20 minutes on a low heat. Or, put it in an oven and bake it at a temperature of 180\u00baC/350\u00baF for 30 minutes. This dish is even better reheated the next day.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/tnwy8m1628770384.jpg", - "strTags": "Warming, Soup, Beans", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrjnQal3S1A", - "strIngredient1": "Cannellini Beans", - "strIngredient2": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Tomatoes", - "strIngredient4": "Challots", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic", - "strIngredient6": "Parsley", - "strIngredient7": "Chorizo", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 cans", - "strMeasure2": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure4": "5", - "strMeasure5": "2 cloves", - "strMeasure6": "Pinch", - "strMeasure7": "1/2 kg chopped ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.visit-croatia.co.uk/croatian-cuisine/croatian-recipes/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53063", - "strMeal": "Chivito uruguayo", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Unknown", - "strInstructions": "Crush the meat so that it is finite and we put it on a griddle to brown. Put the eggs, bacon and ham to fry.\r\nCut the bread in half, put the beef brisket, the fried eggs, the bacon, the ham, the mozzarella, the tomato and the lettuce. Cover with the other half of the bread and serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/n7qnkb1630444129.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PXbbL1QdaA&ab_channel=D%C3%ADadeCocina", - "strIngredient1": "Beef Brisket", - "strIngredient2": "Bread", - "strIngredient3": "Lettuce", - "strIngredient4": "Tomato", - "strIngredient5": "Ham", - "strIngredient6": "Mozzarella", - "strIngredient7": "Bacon", - "strIngredient8": "Egg", - "strIngredient9": "Onion", - "strIngredient10": "Pepper", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2", - "strMeasure2": "2", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "1", - "strMeasure5": "100g ", - "strMeasure6": "100g ", - "strMeasure7": "100g ", - "strMeasure8": "1", - "strMeasure9": "1", - "strMeasure10": "1", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://cookpad.com/uy/recetas/116102-chivito-uruguayo", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53072", - "strMeal": "Crispy Eggplant", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Filipino", - "strInstructions": "Slice eggplant into 1 cm (0.4-inch) slices. Place them in a bowl and sprinkle them with salt. allow them to sit for 30 minutes to render some of their liquid and bitterness.\r\n2. After 30 minutes wash eggplant slices from salt and pat dry with a kitchen towel.\r\n3. In a large bowl/plate place breadcrumbs and sesame seeds. In another bowl beat 2 eggs with pinch salt and pepper.\r\n4. Heal oil in a large skillet over high heat.\r\n5. Dip eggplant slices in egg, then in crumbs, and place in hot oil. Fry 2 to 3 minutes on each side, or until golden brown. Drain on a paper towel. \r\n", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/c7lzrl1683208757.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mINk5d2hto", - "strIngredient1": "Egg Plants", - "strIngredient2": "Breadcrumbs", - "strIngredient3": "Sesame Seed", - "strIngredient4": "Eggs", - "strIngredient5": "Salt", - "strIngredient6": "Pepper", - "strIngredient7": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 large", - "strMeasure2": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure3": "50g", - "strMeasure4": "2", - "strMeasure5": "To taste", - "strMeasure6": "To taste", - "strMeasure7": "For frying", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://yummyfood.ph/recipe/crispiest-fried-eggplant/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53077", - "strMeal": "Cabbage Soup (Shchi)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Russian", - "strInstructions": "Add the butter to a large Dutch oven or other heavy-duty pot over medium heat. When the butter has melted, add the onion and saut\u00e9 until translucent.\r\nAdd the cabbage, carrot, and celery. Saut\u00e9 until the vegetables begin to soften, stirring frequently, about 3 minutes.\r\nAdd the bay leaf and vegetable stock and bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce the heat to low and simmer, covered, until the vegetables are crisp-tender, about 15 minutes.\r\nAdd the potatoes and bring it back to a boil over high heat. Reduce the heat to low and simmer, covered, until the potatoes are tender, about 10 minutes.\r\nAdd the tomatoes (or undrained canned tomatoes) and bring the soup back to a boil over high heat. Reduce the heat to low and simmer, uncovered, for 5 minutes. Season to taste with salt and pepper.\r\nemove and discard the bay leaf from the pot.\r\nServe topped with fresh sour cream and fresh dill.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/60oc3k1699009846.jpg", - "strTags": "soup", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTjlbqGc_Y8", - "strIngredient1": "Unsalted Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Cabbage", - "strIngredient4": "Carrots", - "strIngredient5": "Celery", - "strIngredient6": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient7": "Vegetable Stock", - "strIngredient8": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient9": "Tomatoes", - "strIngredient10": "Sour Cream", - "strIngredient11": "Dill", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure2": "1 large", - "strMeasure3": "1 medium", - "strMeasure4": "1", - "strMeasure5": "1", - "strMeasure6": "1", - "strMeasure7": "8 cups ", - "strMeasure8": "2 large", - "strMeasure9": "2 large", - "strMeasure10": "Garnish", - "strMeasure11": "Garnish", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.thespruceeats.com/traditional-russian-cabbage-soup-shchi-recipe-1135534", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52785", - "strMeal": "Dal fry", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Indian", - "strInstructions": "Wash and soak toor dal in approx. 3 cups of water, for at least one hours. Dal will be double in volume after soaking. Drain the water.\r\nCook dal with 2-1/2 cups water and add salt, turmeric, on medium high heat, until soft in texture (approximately 30 mins) it should be like thick soup.\r\nIn a frying pan, heat the ghee. Add cumin seeds, and mustard seeds. After the seeds crack, add bay leaves, green chili, ginger and chili powder. Stir for a few seconds.\r\nAdd tomatoes, salt and sugar stir and cook until tomatoes are tender and mushy.\r\nAdd cilantro and garam masala cook for about one minute.\r\nPour the seasoning over dal mix it well and cook for another minute.\r\nServe with Naan.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wuxrtu1483564410.jpg", - "strTags": "Curry,Vegetarian,Cake", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4D855Q9-jg", - "strIngredient1": "Toor dal", - "strIngredient2": "Water", - "strIngredient3": "Salt", - "strIngredient4": "Turmeric", - "strIngredient5": "Ghee", - "strIngredient6": "Chopped tomatoes", - "strIngredient7": "Cumin seeds", - "strIngredient8": "Mustard Seeds", - "strIngredient9": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient10": "Green Chili", - "strIngredient11": "Ginger", - "strIngredient12": "Cilantro", - "strIngredient13": "Red Pepper", - "strIngredient14": "Salt", - "strIngredient15": "Sugar", - "strIngredient16": "Garam Masala", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 cup", - "strMeasure2": "2-1/2 cups", - "strMeasure3": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure4": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure5": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "1 cup", - "strMeasure7": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure9": "2", - "strMeasure10": "1 tbs chopped", - "strMeasure11": "2 tsp shredded", - "strMeasure12": "2 tbs ", - "strMeasure13": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure14": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure15": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure16": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.instagram.com/p/BO21bpYD3Fu", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52899", - "strMeal": "Dundee cake", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Put the almonds into a small bowl and pour over boiling water to just cover. Leave for 5 mins then drain in a sieve and leave to dry.\r\nPreheat the oven to 180C/160 C fan/Gas Mark 4. Line a deep loose-based 20cm cake tin with baking parchment.\r\nPut the butter in a large bowl and beat well until soft. Add the sugar and beat until light and fluffy. Stir in the orange zest and apricot jam.\r\nSieve together the flour and baking powder. Add the eggs to the creamed butter and sugar, a little at a time, beating well between each addition. If the mixture starts to curdle, stir in a little flour.\r\nAdd the remaining flour and ground almonds and mix well. Mix in the milk and then add the dried fruit and cherries and mix gently together.\r\nSpoon the mixture into the prepared tin and spread level using the back of a spoon. Arrange the whole almonds close together in neat circles on the top of the cake. Bake in the oven for 45 mins.\r\nLower the oven temperature to 160C/140 C fan/Gas Mark 3 and cook for a further 60\u201380 minutes. Check the cake after 50 minutes by inserting a wooden or metal skewer into the cake. When it\u2019s done it should have just a few crumbs attached. Check every 10 minutes - it\u2019s important not to overcook this cake so the centre will be a little soft.\r\nWhen cooked, remove the cake briefly from the oven, put the milk and sugar into a small pan and heat gently until the sugar has dissolved. Brush over the top of the cake and return the cake to the oven for 2-3 mins. Remove and allow the cake to cool in the tin. When quite cold remove from the tin and wrap in foil and keep for at least 2 days before cutting.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wxyvqq1511723401.jpg", - "strTags": "heavy,Nutty,Fruity", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hEXsfpeMQE", - "strIngredient1": "Almonds", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Muscovado Sugar", - "strIngredient4": "Orange", - "strIngredient5": "Apricot Jam", - "strIngredient6": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient7": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient8": "Eggs", - "strIngredient9": "Ground Almonds", - "strIngredient10": "Milk", - "strIngredient11": "Dried Fruit", - "strIngredient12": "Glace Cherry", - "strIngredient13": "Milk", - "strIngredient14": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "100g ", - "strMeasure2": "180g", - "strMeasure3": "180g", - "strMeasure4": "Zest of 1", - "strMeasure5": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "225g", - "strMeasure7": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure8": "3 Large", - "strMeasure9": "100g ", - "strMeasure10": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure11": "500g", - "strMeasure12": "100g ", - "strMeasure13": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure14": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2155640/dundee-cake", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52907", - "strMeal": "Duck Confit", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Miscellaneous", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "The day before you want to make the dish, scatter half the salt, half the garlic and half of the herbs over the base of a small shallow dish. Lay the duck legs, skin-side up, on top, then scatter over the remaining salt, garlic and herbs. Cover the duck and refrigerate overnight. This can be done up to 2 days ahead.\r\nPour the wine into a saucepan that will snugly fit the duck legs in a single layer. Brush the salt off the duck legs and place them, skin-side down, in the wine. Cover the pan with a lid and place over a medium heat. As soon as the wine starts to bubble, turn the heat down to the lowest setting and cook for 2 hours, checking occasionally that the liquid is just barely simmering. (If you own a heat diffuser, it would be good to use it here.) After 2 hours, the duck legs should be submerged in their own fat and the meat should feel incredibly tender when prodded. Leave to cool.\r\nThe duck legs are now cooked and can be eaten immediately \u2013 or you can follow the next step if you like them crisp. If you are preparing ahead, pack the duck legs tightly into a plastic container or jar and pour over the fat, but not the liquid at the bottom of the pan. Cover and leave in the fridge for up to a month, or freeze for up to 3 months. The liquid you are left with makes a tasty gravy, which can be chilled or frozen until needed.\r\nTo reheat and crisp up the duck legs, heat oven to 220C/fan 200C/gas 7. Remove the legs from the fat and place them, skin-side down, in an ovenproof frying pan. Roast for 30-40 mins, turning halfway through, until brown and crisp. Serve with the reheated gravy, a crisp salad and some crisp golden ptoatoes.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wvpvsu1511786158.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHhLJqghY-o", - "strIngredient1": "Sea Salt", - "strIngredient2": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Thyme", - "strIngredient5": "Duck Legs", - "strIngredient6": "White Wine", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "Handful", - "strMeasure2": "4", - "strMeasure3": "4 cloves", - "strMeasure4": "Handful", - "strMeasure5": "4", - "strMeasure6": "100ml", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2085/barneys-confit-of-duck", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52791", - "strMeal": "Eton Mess", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Pur\u00e9e half the strawberries in a blender. Chop the remaining strawberries, reserving four for decoration.\r\nWhip the double cream until stiff peaks form, then fold in the strawberry pur\u00e9e and crushed meringue. Fold in the chopped strawberries and ginger cordial, if using.\r\nSpoon equal amounts of the mixture into four cold wine glasses. Serve garnished with the remaining strawberries and a sprig of mint.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/uuxwvq1483907861.jpg", - "strTags": "Dairy,Fruity,Desert,Treat,Speciality", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43WgiNq54L8", - "strIngredient1": "strawberries", - "strIngredient2": "double cream", - "strIngredient3": "meringue nests", - "strIngredient4": "ginger cordial", - "strIngredient5": "Mint", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "500g", - "strMeasure2": "400ml", - "strMeasure3": "3 x 7.5cm", - "strMeasure4": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure5": "sprigs of fresh", - "strMeasure6": "", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52888", - "strMeal": "Eccles Cakes", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "To make the pastry, dice the butter and put it in the freezer to go really hard. Tip flour into the bowl of a food processor with half the butter and pulse to the texture of breadcrumbs. Pour in the lemon juice and 100ml iced water, and pulse to a dough. Tip in the rest of the butter and pulse a few times until the dough is heavily flecked with butter. It is important that you don\u2019t overdo this as the flecks of butter are what makes the pastry flaky.\r\nOn a floured surface roll the pastry out to a neat rectangle about 20 x 30cm. Fold the two ends of the pastry into the middle (See picture 1), then fold in half (pic 2). Roll the pastry out again and refold the same way 3 more times resting the pastry for at least 15 mins each time between roll and fold, then leave to rest in the fridge for at least 30 mins before using.\r\nTo make the filling, melt the butter in a large saucepan. Take it off the heat and stir in all the other ingredients until completely mixed, then set aside.\r\nTo make the cakes, roll the pastry out until it\u2019s just a little thicker than a \u00a31 coin and cut out 8 rounds about 12cm across. Re-roll the trimming if needed. Place a good heaped tablespoon of mixture in the middle of each round, brush the edges of the rounds with water, then gather the pastry around the filling and squeeze it together (pic 3). Flip them over so the smooth top is upwards and pat them into a smooth round. Flatten each round with a rolling pin to an oval until the fruit just starts to poke through, then place on a baking tray. Cut 2 little slits in each Eccles cakes, brush generously with egg white and sprinkle with the sugar (pic 4).\r\nHeat the oven to 220C/200C fan/gas 8. Bake the Eccles cakes for 15-20 mins until just past golden brown and sticky. Leave to cool on a rack and enjoy while still warm or cold with a cup of tea. If you prefer, Eccles cakes also go really well served with a wedge of hard, tangy British cheese such as Lancashire or cheddar.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wtqrqw1511639627.jpg", - "strTags": "Snack,Treat", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xV0QCJ0GD5w", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient3": "Lemon", - "strIngredient4": "Butter", - "strIngredient5": "Currants", - "strIngredient6": "Mixed Peel", - "strIngredient7": "Muscovado Sugar", - "strIngredient8": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient9": "Ginger", - "strIngredient10": "Allspice", - "strIngredient11": "Lemon", - "strIngredient12": "Eggs", - "strIngredient13": "Sugar", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "250g", - "strMeasure2": "350g", - "strMeasure3": "Juice of 1/2", - "strMeasure4": "25g", - "strMeasure5": "200g", - "strMeasure6": "50g", - "strMeasure7": "100g ", - "strMeasure8": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure9": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure10": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure11": "Zest of 1", - "strMeasure12": "1 beaten", - "strMeasure13": "spinkling", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/786659/eccles-cakes", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52895", - "strMeal": "English Breakfast", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Breakfast", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Heat the flat grill plate over a low heat, on top of 2 rings/flames if it fits, and brush sparingly with light olive oil.\r\nCook the sausages first. Add the sausages to the hot grill plate/the coolest part if there is one and allow to cook slowly for about 15-20 minutes, turning occasionally, until golden. After the first 10 minutes, increase the heat to medium before beginning to cook the other ingredients. If you are struggling for space, completely cook the sausages and keep hot on a plate in the oven.\r\nSnip a few small cuts into the fatty edge of the bacon. Place the bacon straight on to the grill plate and fry for 2-4 minutes each side or until your preferred crispiness is reached. Like the sausages, the cooked bacon can be kept hot on a plate in the oven.\r\nFor the mushrooms, brush away any dirt using a pastry brush and trim the stalk level with the mushroom top. Season with salt and pepper and drizzle over a little olive oil. Place stalk-side up on the grill plate and cook for 1-2 minutes before turning and cooking for a further 3-4 minutes. Avoid moving the mushrooms too much while cooking, as this releases the natural juices, making them soggy.\r\nFor the tomatoes, cut the tomatoes across the centre/or in half lengthways if using plum tomatoes , and with a small, sharp knife remove the green 'eye'. Season with salt and pepper and drizzle with a little olive oil. Place cut-side down on the grill plate and cook without moving for 2 minutes. Gently turn over and season again. Cook for a further 2-3 minutes until tender but still holding their shape.\r\nFor the black pudding, cut the black pudding into 3-4 slices and remove the skin. Place on the grill plate and cook for 1\u00bd-2 minutes each side until slightly crispy.\r\nFor 'proper' fried bread it's best to cook it in a separate pan. Ideally, use bread that is a couple of days old. Heat a frying pan to a medium heat and cover the base with oil. Add the bread and cook for 2-3 minutes each side until crispy and golden. If the pan becomes too dry, add a little more oil. For a richer flavour, add a knob of butter after you turn the slice.\r\nFor the fried eggs, break the egg straight into the pan with the fried bread and leave for 30 seconds. Add a good knob of butter and lightly splash/baste the egg with the butter when melted. Cook to your preferred stage, season and gently remove with a fish slice.\r\nOnce all the ingredients are cooked, serve on warm plates and enjoy straight away with a good squeeze of tomato ketchup or brown sauce.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/utxryw1511721587.jpg", - "strTags": "Breakfast", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXjYU2Ensck", - "strIngredient1": "Sausages", - "strIngredient2": "Bacon", - "strIngredient3": "Mushrooms", - "strIngredient4": "Tomatoes", - "strIngredient5": "Black Pudding", - "strIngredient6": "Eggs", - "strIngredient7": "Bread", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2", - "strMeasure2": "3", - "strMeasure3": "2", - "strMeasure4": "2", - "strMeasure5": "1 Slice", - "strMeasure6": "2", - "strMeasure7": "1 Slice", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/stressfreefullenglis_67721", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52944", - "strMeal": "Escovitch Fish", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Jamaican", - "strInstructions": "Rinse fish; rub with lemon or lime, seasoned with salt and pepper or use your favorite seasoning. I used creole seasoning. Set aside or place in the oven to keep it warm until sauce is ready.\r\n\r\nIn large skillet heat oil over medium heat, until hot, add the fish, cook each side- for about 5-7 minutes until cooked through and crispy on both sides. Remove fish and set aside. Drain oil and leave about 2-3 tablespoons of oil\r\nAdd, bay leave, garlic and ginger, stir-fry for about a minute making sure the garlic does not burn\r\nThen add onion, bell peppers, thyme, scotch bonnet, sugar, all spice-continue stirring for about 2-3 minutes. Add vinegar, mix an adjust salt and pepper according to preference. Let it simmer for about 2 more minutes. \r\n\r\nDiscard bay leave, thyme spring and serve over fish with a side of this bammy. You may make the sauce about 2 days in advance.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1520084413.jpg", - "strTags": "Seafood,Spicy,Speciality,Easter", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nF6DOtGE6k8", - "strIngredient1": "Red Snapper", - "strIngredient2": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Ginger", - "strIngredient5": "Thyme", - "strIngredient6": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient7": "Red Pepper", - "strIngredient8": "Yellow Pepper", - "strIngredient9": "Onion", - "strIngredient10": "Carrots", - "strIngredient11": "Sugar", - "strIngredient12": "Allspice", - "strIngredient13": "Worcestershire Sauce", - "strIngredient14": "Scotch Bonnet", - "strIngredient15": "Lime", - "strIngredient16": "Malt Vinegar", - "strIngredient17": "Pepper", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 Pounds", - "strMeasure2": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure3": "1 clove peeled crushed", - "strMeasure4": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure5": "2 sprigs", - "strMeasure6": "1", - "strMeasure7": "0.5", - "strMeasure8": "0.5", - "strMeasure9": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure10": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure11": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure12": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure13": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure14": "1", - "strMeasure15": "1", - "strMeasure16": "3/4 cup ", - "strMeasure17": "pinch", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.africanbites.com/jamaican-escovitched-fish/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52955", - "strMeal": "Egg Drop Soup", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Chinese", - "strInstructions": "In a wok add chicken broth and wait for it to boil.\r\nNext add salt, sugar, white pepper, sesame seed oil.\r\nWhen the chicken broth is boiling add the vegetables to the wok.\r\nTo thicken the sauce, whisk together 1 Tablespoon of cornstarch and 2 Tablespoon of water in a bowl and slowly add to your soup until it's the right thickness.\r\nNext add 1 egg slightly beaten with a knife or fork and add it to the soup slowly and stir for 8 seconds\r\nServe the soup in a bowl and add the green onions on top.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1529446137.jpg", - "strTags": "Soup,Baking,Calorific", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XpzHm9QpZg", - "strIngredient1": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient2": "Salt", - "strIngredient3": "Sugar", - "strIngredient4": "Pepper", - "strIngredient5": "Sesame Seed Oil", - "strIngredient6": "Peas", - "strIngredient7": "Mushrooms", - "strIngredient8": "Cornstarch", - "strIngredient9": "Water", - "strIngredient10": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "3 cups ", - "strMeasure2": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure3": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure4": "pinch", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "1/3 cup", - "strMeasure7": "1/3 cup", - "strMeasure8": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://sueandgambo.com/pages/egg-drop-soup", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53031", - "strMeal": "Egyptian Fatteh", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Egyptian", - "strInstructions": "To prepare bread for bottom of dish: Take pita bread and rip into bite size pieces. In a frying pan, add about a 1/4 stick of butter, add bread pieces and fry until golden brown and crisp. Put these pieces in a glass baking dish, preferably a square sized dish. Set aside.\r\nThen add to same pan, a little more butter, salt, approximately 2 cloves of crushed fresh garlic, and a teaspoon or so of cumin stir around a bit until you can smell aroma, then add fried bread pieces to this mixture, stir to coat bread and put back into glass baking dish. Set aside.\r\nTo prepare meat: put some butter in a pot, stir fry meat until brown, add 1 onion quartered, salt & pepper, 1 cube of chicken bouillon and water to cover meat. Bring to a boil, turn down to simmer, cover and cook until tender, approximately 2 hours. After meat has cooled, take out chunks of meat and put in a bowl, set aside. Reserve soup from the meat separately.\r\nTo prepare the rice: Put some butter into a pot, add shareya (fideo noodles) like a handful or so, keep stirring until golden brown, not too dark, but very golden. Then add two cups of rice, stir a little bit until some of the rice turns an opaque white. Add 2-1/4 cups of water and salt to taste. Bring to a boil, cover and turn down to simmer, cook until tender. Test the rice tenderness after about 35 minutes.\r\nNow take some of the soup from meat and add to the top of the bread pieces in baking dish to saturate.Add cooked rice on top of bread pieces. Slowly spoon remainder of soup onto rice, looking at glass dish sides to see level of soup, should reach just to top of rice, don\u2019t worry, this doesn\u2019t have to be exact. Now you\u2019re ready to make the sauce and fry the meat to put on top.\r\nTo prepare red sauce: In a pan, add a little oil or butter, crushed tomato, a half teaspoon of tomato paste, salt & pepper, 2 cloves of fresh crushed garlic and cumin. Add also approximately 3 tablespoons of vinegar, stir this until you smell aroma and it is a bit smooth. It should be a bit thick, not watery, but if too thick you can add a bit of water. Spread with a wooden spoon atop the rice to cover.\r\nTo fry meat: In a pan add a bit of butter or oil, the meat, just a touch of tomato paste, about a tablespoon of fresh crushed garlic, salt & pepper, a teaspoon of cumin. Cook until meat is golden fried.\r\nSpoon this atop the rice and serve. Enjoy!", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/rlwcc51598734603.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLuOHkDE4A4", - "strIngredient1": "Beef", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Chicken Stock Cube", - "strIngredient4": "Tomatoes", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient6": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient7": "Rice", - "strIngredient8": "Noodles", - "strIngredient9": "Butter", - "strIngredient10": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient11": "Pita Bread", - "strIngredient12": "Cumin", - "strIngredient13": "White Wine Vinegar", - "strIngredient14": "Salt", - "strIngredient15": "Pepper", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1lb", - "strMeasure2": "1", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "2", - "strMeasure5": "4", - "strMeasure6": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure8": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure9": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure10": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure11": "1", - "strMeasure12": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure13": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure14": "To taste", - "strMeasure15": "To taste", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.food.com/recipe/egyptian-faatah-rice-meat-with-crispy-bread-on-bottom-194764", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53073", - "strMeal": "Eggplant Adobo", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Filipino", - "strInstructions": "1.\tSlice 1 lb. small Japanese or Italian eggplant (about 3) into quarters lengthwise, then cut crosswise into 2\"-wide pieces. Place in a medium bowl. Add 1 Tbsp. sugar, 1 tsp. Diamond Crystal or \u00bd tsp. Morton kosher salt, and \u00bd tsp. freshly ground black pepper. Toss to evenly coat eggplant and let sit at room temperature at least 20 minutes and up to 2 hours.\r\n2.\tPeel and thinly slice 8 garlic cloves. Add 3 Tbsp. vegetable oil and half of garlic to a medium Dutch oven or other heavy pot. Cook over medium-high heat, stirring constantly with a wooden spoon, until light golden and crisp, about 5 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer garlic chips to a plate; season lightly with salt.\r\n3. Place 4 oz. ground pork in same pot and break up into small pieces with wooden spoon. Season with \u00bc tsp. Diamond Crystal or Morton kosher salt and cook, undisturbed, until deeply browned underneath, about 5 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer to another plate, leaving fat behind in the pot.\r\n4. Place eggplant on a clean kitchen towel and blot away any moisture the salt has drawn out.\r\n5. Working in batches and adding more oil if needed, cook eggplant in the same pot until lightly browned, about 3 minutes per side. Transfer to a plate with pork.\r\n6. Pour 1\u00bd cups of water into the pot and scrape up browned bits from the bottom with a wooden spoon. Add remaining garlic, 3 Tbsp. coconut vinegar or unseasoned rice vinegar, 2 Tbsp. soy sauce, 2 bay leaves, 1 tsp. freshly ground black pepper, and remaining 1 Tbsp. sugar. Bring to a simmer, then return pork and eggplant to pot. Reduce heat to medium-low, partially cover, and simmer until eggplant is tender and silky and sauce is reduced by half, 20\u201325 minutes. Taste and season with more salt and pepper and add a little more sugar if needed.\r\n7. Top with garlic chips and serve with cooked white rice.\r\n", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/y7h0lq1683208991.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKXACYjwMns", - "strIngredient1": "Egg Plants", - "strIngredient2": "Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Salt", - "strIngredient4": "Pepper", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic", - "strIngredient6": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient7": "Ground Pork", - "strIngredient8": "Rice Vinegar", - "strIngredient9": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient10": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 lb", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "1 whole", - "strMeasure6": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "4 oz ", - "strMeasure8": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "2", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://salu-salo.com/eggplant-adobo/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52802", - "strMeal": "Fish pie", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "01.Put the potatoes in a large pan of cold salted water and bring to the boil. Lower the heat, cover, then simmer gently for 15 minutes until tender. Drain, then return to the pan over a low heat for 30 seconds to drive off any excess water. Mash with 1 tbsp olive oil, then season.\r\n02.Meanwhile put the milk in a large saut\u00e9 pan, add the fish and bring to the boil. Remove from the heat, cover and stand for 3 minutes. Remove the fish (reserving the milk) and pat dry with kitchen paper, then gently flake into an ovenproof dish, discarding the skin and any bones.\r\n03.Heat the remaining oil in a pan, stir in the flour and cook for 30 seconds. Gradually stir in 200-250ml of the reserved milk (discard the rest). Grate in nutmeg, season, then bubble until thick. Stir in the cream.\r\n04.Preheat the oven to 190\u00b0C/fan170\u00b0C/gas 5. Grate the artichokes and add to the dish with the leek, prawns and herbs. Stir the lemon zest and juice into the sauce, then pour over. Mix gently with a wooden spoon.\r\n05.Spoon the mash onto the fish mixture, then use a fork to make peaks, which will crisp and brown as it cooks. Sprinkle over the cheese, then bake for 35-40 minutes until golden and bubbling. Serve with wilted greens.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ysxwuq1487323065.jpg", - "strTags": "Fish,Pie,Breakfast,Baking", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sX4fCgg-UI", - "strIngredient1": "Floury Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Semi-skimmed Milk", - "strIngredient4": "White Fish Fillets", - "strIngredient5": "Plain flour", - "strIngredient6": "Nutmeg", - "strIngredient7": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient8": "Jerusalem Artichokes", - "strIngredient9": "Leek", - "strIngredient10": "Prawns", - "strIngredient11": "Parsley", - "strIngredient12": "Dill", - "strIngredient13": "Lemon", - "strIngredient14": "Gruy\u00e8re", - "strIngredient15": "Lemon", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "900g", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure3": "600ml", - "strMeasure4": "800g", - "strMeasure5": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure6": "Grating", - "strMeasure7": "3 tbsp", - "strMeasure8": "200g", - "strMeasure9": "1 finely sliced", - "strMeasure10": "200g peeled raw", - "strMeasure11": "Large handful", - "strMeasure12": "Handful", - "strMeasure13": "Grated zest of 1", - "strMeasure14": "25g grated", - "strMeasure15": "Juice of 1", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52815", - "strMeal": "French Lentils With Garlic and Thyme", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Miscellaneous", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Place a large saucepan over medium heat and add oil. When hot, add chopped vegetables and saut\u00e9 until softened, 5 to 10 minutes.\r\nAdd 6 cups water, lentils, thyme, bay leaves and salt. Bring to a boil, then reduce to a fast simmer.\r\nSimmer lentils until they are tender and have absorbed most of the water, 20 to 25 minutes. If necessary, drain any excess water after lentils have cooked. Serve immediately, or allow them to cool and reheat later.\r\nFor a fuller taste, use some chicken stock and reduce the water by the same amount.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vwwspt1487394060.jpg", - "strTags": "Pulse", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrlTS1mJQMA", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Carrot", - "strIngredient5": "French Lentils", - "strIngredient6": "Thyme", - "strIngredient7": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient8": "Salt", - "strIngredient9": "Celery", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "3 tablespoons", - "strMeasure2": "1", - "strMeasure3": "2 cloves", - "strMeasure4": "1", - "strMeasure5": "2 1/4 cups", - "strMeasure6": "1 teaspoon", - "strMeasure7": "3", - "strMeasure8": "1 tablespoon", - "strMeasure9": "2 sticks", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52835", - "strMeal": "Fettucine alfredo", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pasta", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "In a medium saucepan, stir the clotted cream, butter and cornflour over a low-ish heat and bring to a low simmer. Turn off the heat and keep warm.\r\nMeanwhile, put the cheese and nutmeg in a small bowl and add a good grinding of black pepper, then stir everything together (don\u2019t add any salt at this stage).\r\nPut the pasta in another pan with 2 tsp salt, pour over some boiling water and cook following pack instructions (usually 3-4 mins). When cooked, scoop some of the cooking water into a heatproof jug or mug and drain the pasta, but not too thoroughly.\r\nAdd the pasta to the pan with the clotted cream mixture, then sprinkle over the cheese and gently fold everything together over a low heat using a rubber spatula. When combined, splash in 3 tbsp of the cooking water. At first, the pasta will look wet and sloppy: keep stirring until the water is absorbed and the sauce is glossy. Check the seasoning before transferring to heated bowls. Sprinkle over some chives or parsley, then serve immediately.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/uquqtu1511178042.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLEnwZvGzOE", - "strIngredient1": "Clotted Cream", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Corn Flour", - "strIngredient4": "Parmesan Cheese", - "strIngredient5": "Nutmeg", - "strIngredient6": "Fettuccine", - "strIngredient7": "Parsley", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "227g", - "strMeasure2": "25g", - "strMeasure3": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure4": "100g ", - "strMeasure5": "Grated", - "strMeasure6": "250g", - "strMeasure7": "Chopped", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/fettucine-alfredo", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52896", - "strMeal": "Full English Breakfast", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Breakfast", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Heat the flat grill plate over a low heat, on top of 2 rings/flames if it fits, and brush sparingly with light olive oil.\r\nCook the sausages first. Add the sausages to the hot grill plate/the coolest part if there is one and allow to cook slowly for about 15-20 minutes, turning occasionally, until golden. After the first 10 minutes, increase the heat to medium before beginning to cook the other ingredients. If you are struggling for space, completely cook the sausages and keep hot on a plate in the oven.\r\nSnip a few small cuts into the fatty edge of the bacon. Place the bacon straight on to the grill plate and fry for 2-4 minutes each side or until your preferred crispiness is reached. Like the sausages, the cooked bacon can be kept hot on a plate in the oven.\r\nFor the mushrooms, brush away any dirt using a pastry brush and trim the stalk level with the mushroom top. Season with salt and pepper and drizzle over a little olive oil. Place stalk-side up on the grill plate and cook for 1-2 minutes before turning and cooking for a further 3-4 minutes. Avoid moving the mushrooms too much while cooking, as this releases the natural juices, making them soggy.\r\nFor the tomatoes, cut the tomatoes across the centre/or in half lengthways if using plum tomatoes , and with a small, sharp knife remove the green 'eye'. Season with salt and pepper and drizzle with a little olive oil. Place cut-side down on the grill plate and cook without moving for 2 minutes. Gently turn over and season again. Cook for a further 2-3 minutes until tender but still holding their shape.\r\nFor the black pudding, cut the black pudding into 3-4 slices and remove the skin. Place on the grill plate and cook for 1\u00bd-2 minutes each side until slightly crispy.\r\nFor 'proper' fried bread it's best to cook it in a separate pan. Ideally, use bread that is a couple of days old. Heat a frying pan to a medium heat and cover the base with oil. Add the bread and cook for 2-3 minutes each side until crispy and golden. If the pan becomes too dry, add a little more oil. For a richer flavour, add a knob of butter after you turn the slice.\r\nFor the fried eggs, break the egg straight into the pan with the fried bread and leave for 30 seconds. Add a good knob of butter and lightly splash/baste the egg with the butter when melted. Cook to your preferred stage, season and gently remove with a fish slice.\r\nOnce all the ingredients are cooked, serve on warm plates and enjoy straight away with a good squeeze of tomato ketchup or brown sauce.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/sqrtwu1511721265.jpg", - "strTags": "Greasy,UnHealthy,HangoverFood,Calorific,Breakfast,BBQ", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXjYU2Ensck", - "strIngredient1": "Sausages", - "strIngredient2": "Bacon", - "strIngredient3": "Mushrooms", - "strIngredient4": "Tomatoes", - "strIngredient5": "Black Pudding", - "strIngredient6": "Eggs", - "strIngredient7": "Bread", - "strIngredient8": "Baked Beans", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4", - "strMeasure2": "4", - "strMeasure3": "4", - "strMeasure4": "3", - "strMeasure5": "2 sliced", - "strMeasure6": "2", - "strMeasure7": "1 Slice", - "strMeasure8": "100g ", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/stressfreefullenglis_67721", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52903", - "strMeal": "French Onion Soup", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Side", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Melt the butter with the oil in a large heavy-based pan. Add the onions and fry with the lid on for 10 mins until soft. Sprinkle in the sugar and cook for 20 mins more, stirring frequently, until caramelised. The onions should be really golden, full of flavour and soft when pinched between your fingers. Take care towards the end to ensure that they don\u2019t burn.\r\nAdd the garlic for the final few mins of the onions\u2019 cooking time, then sprinkle in the flour and stir well. Increase the heat and keep stirring as you gradually add the wine, followed by the hot stock. Cover and simmer for 15-20 mins.\r\nTo serve, turn on the grill, and toast the bread. Ladle the soup into heatproof bowls. Put a slice or two of toast on top of the bowls of soup, and pile on the cheese. Grill until melted. Alternatively, you can complete the toasts under the grill, then serve them on top.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xvrrux1511783685.jpg", - "strTags": "Soup", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DLDMQucqDI", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Onion", - "strIngredient4": "Sugar", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient6": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient7": "Dry White Wine", - "strIngredient8": "Beef Stock", - "strIngredient9": "Bread", - "strIngredient10": "Gruy\u00e8re", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "50g", - "strMeasure2": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "1 kg", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "4 sliced", - "strMeasure6": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "250ml", - "strMeasure8": "1L", - "strMeasure9": "4 sliced", - "strMeasure10": "140g", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/3020694/french-onion-soup", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52906", - "strMeal": "Flamiche", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "For the pastry, sift the flour and salt into the bowl of a food processor, add the butter and lard, then whizz together briefly until the mixture looks like fine breadcrumbs. Tip the mixture into a bowl, then stir in the cheese and enough of the water for the mixture to come together. Tip out onto a lightly floured surface and knead briefly until smooth. Roll out thinly and line a 23cm x 4cm loose-?bottomed fluted flan tin. Prick the base with a fork. Chill for 20 minutes.\r\n02.Melt the 75g butter in a saucepan over a low heat, then add the leeks and the salt. Cover and cook for ?10 minutes until soft. Uncover the pan, increase the heat and cook ?for 2 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the liquid has evaporated. Spoon onto a plate and leave to cool.\r\n03.Preheat the oven to 200\u00b0C/fan180\u00b0C/gas 6. Line the pastry case with baking paper and baking beans or rice and blind bake for 15-20 minutes until the edges are biscuit-coloured. Remove the paper and beans/rice and return the case to the oven for 7-10 minutes until the base is crisp and lightly golden. Remove and set aside. Reduce the oven temperature to 190\u00b0C/fan170\u00b0C/gas 5.\r\n04.Put the cr\u00e8me fra\u00eeche into a bowl with the whole egg, egg yolks and nutmeg. Lightly beat together, then season. Stir in the leeks. Spoon ?the mixture into the tart case and bake for 35-40 minutes until set ?and lightly golden. Remove from ?the oven and leave for 10 minutes. Take out of the tin and serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wssvvs1511785879.jpg", - "strTags": "Tart", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vT0q5c880Rg", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Leek", - "strIngredient3": "Salt", - "strIngredient4": "Creme Fraiche", - "strIngredient5": "Egg", - "strIngredient6": "Egg Yolks", - "strIngredient7": "Nutmeg", - "strIngredient8": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient9": "Salt", - "strIngredient10": "Butter", - "strIngredient11": "Lard", - "strIngredient12": "Cheddar Cheese", - "strIngredient13": "Water", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "75g", - "strMeasure2": "1kg", - "strMeasure3": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure4": "300ml ", - "strMeasure5": "1", - "strMeasure6": "3", - "strMeasure7": "\u00bc teaspoon", - "strMeasure8": "225g", - "strMeasure9": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure10": "60g", - "strMeasure11": "60g", - "strMeasure12": "50g", - "strMeasure13": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.deliciousmagazine.co.uk/recipes/flamiche-flemish-leek-tart/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52915", - "strMeal": "French Omelette", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Miscellaneous", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Get everything ready. Warm a 20cm (measured across the top) non-stick frying pan on a medium heat. Crack the eggs into a bowl and beat them with a fork so they break up and mix, but not as completely as you would for scrambled egg. With the heat on medium-hot, drop one knob of butter into the pan. It should bubble and sizzle, but not brown. Season the eggs with the Parmesan and a little salt and pepper, and pour into the pan.\r\nLet the eggs bubble slightly for a couple of seconds, then take a wooden fork or spatula and gently draw the mixture in from the sides of the pan a few times, so it gathers in folds in the centre. Leave for a few seconds, then stir again to lightly combine uncooked egg with cooked. Leave briefly again, and when partly cooked, stir a bit faster, stopping while there\u2019s some barely cooked egg left. With the pan flat on the heat, shake it back and forth a few times to settle the mixture. It should slide easily in the pan and look soft and moist on top. A quick burst of heat will brown the underside.\r\nGrip the handle underneath. Tilt the pan down away from you and let the omelette fall to the edge. Fold the side nearest to you over by a third with your fork, and keep it rolling over, so the omelette tips onto a plate \u2013 or fold it in half, if that\u2019s easier. For a neat finish, cover the omelette with a piece of kitchen paper and plump it up a bit with your fingers. Rub the other knob of butter over to glaze. Serve immediately.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/yvpuuy1511797244.jpg", - "strTags": "Egg", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXPhVYpQLPA", - "strIngredient1": "Eggs", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Parmesan", - "strIngredient4": "Tarragon", - "strIngredient5": "Parsley", - "strIngredient6": "Chives", - "strIngredient7": "Gruy\u00e8re", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "3", - "strMeasure2": "2 knobs", - "strMeasure3": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure4": "3 chopped", - "strMeasure5": "1 tbs chopped", - "strMeasure6": "1 tbs chopped", - "strMeasure7": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1669/ultimate-french-omelette", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52918", - "strMeal": "Fish Stew with Rouille", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Twist the heads from the prawns, then peel away the legs and shells, but leave the tails intact. Devein each prawn. Fry the shells in 1 tbsp oil for 5 mins, until dark pink and golden in patches. Add the wine, boil down by two thirds, then pour in the stock. Strain into a jug, discarding the shells.\r\nHeat the rest of the oil in a deep frying pan or casserole. Add the fennel, onion and garlic, season, then cover and gently cook for 10 mins until softened. Meanwhile, peel the potato and cut into 2cm-ish chunks. Put into a pan of cold water, bring to the boil and cook for 5 mins until almost tender. Drain in a colander.\r\nPeel a strip of zest from the orange. Put the zest, star anise, bay and \u00bd tsp harissa into the pan. Fry gently, uncovered, for 5-10 mins, until the vegetables are soft, sweet and golden.\r\nStir in the tomato pur\u00e9e, cook for 2 mins, then add the tomatoes and stock. Simmer for 10 mins until the sauce thickens slightly. Season to taste. The sauce can be made ahead, then reheated later in the day. Meantime, scrub the mussels or clams and pull away any stringy beards. Any that are open should be tapped sharply on the worktop \u2013 if they don\u2019t close after a few seconds, discard them.\r\nReheat the sauce if necessary, then stir the potato, chunks of fish and prawns very gently into the stew. Bring back to the boil, then cover and gently simmer for 3 mins. Scatter the mussels or clams over the stew, then cover and cook for 2 mins more or until the shells have opened wide. Discard any that remain closed. The chunks of fish should flake easily and the prawns should be pink through. Scatter with the thyme leaves.\r\nTo make the quick rouille, stir the rest of the harissa through the mayonnaise. Serve the stew in bowls, topped with spoonfuls of rouille, which will melt into the sauce and enrich it. Have some good bread ready, as you\u2019ll definitely want to mop up the juices.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vptqpw1511798500.jpg", - "strTags": "Fish,Seafood,Shellfish", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fp9Lqx2EUco", - "strIngredient1": "Prawns", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Dry White Wine", - "strIngredient4": "Fish Stock", - "strIngredient5": "Fennel", - "strIngredient6": "Onion", - "strIngredient7": "Garlic", - "strIngredient8": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient9": "Orange", - "strIngredient10": "Star Anise", - "strIngredient11": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient12": "Harissa Spice", - "strIngredient13": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient14": "Chopped Tomatoes", - "strIngredient15": "Mussels", - "strIngredient16": "White Fish", - "strIngredient17": "Thyme", - "strIngredient18": "Bread", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "6 large", - "strMeasure2": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "150ml", - "strMeasure4": "200ml", - "strMeasure5": "1 small finely diced", - "strMeasure6": "1 small finely diced", - "strMeasure7": "3 cloves Chopped", - "strMeasure8": "1 large", - "strMeasure9": "1", - "strMeasure10": "1", - "strMeasure11": "1", - "strMeasure12": "1 1/2 tsp ", - "strMeasure13": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure14": "400g", - "strMeasure15": "Handful", - "strMeasure16": "200g", - "strMeasure17": "2", - "strMeasure18": "to serve", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/532640/summer-fish-stew-with-rouille", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52919", - "strMeal": "Fennel Dauphinoise", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Side", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 180C/160C fan/gas 4. Put potatoes, fennel, and garlic in a medium non-stick pan. Pour in milk and double cream, season well and simmer gently, covered, for 10 mins, stirring halfway through, until potatoes are just tender.\r\nDivide the mixture between 2 small (about 150ml) buttered ramekins and scatter with Parmesan. Bake for 40 mins until the potatoes are golden and tender when pierced with a knife. Snip the reserved fennel fronds over before serving.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ytttsv1511798734.jpg", - "strTags": "Pie,SideDish", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXBzZm2kkh8", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Fennel", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Milk", - "strIngredient5": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient6": "Butter", - "strIngredient7": "Parmesan Cheese", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "225g", - "strMeasure2": "1 small", - "strMeasure3": "1 clove finely chopped", - "strMeasure4": "75 ml ", - "strMeasure5": "100ml", - "strMeasure6": "For Greasing", - "strMeasure7": "to serve", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/fennel-dauphinoise", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52957", - "strMeal": "Fruit and Cream Cheese Breakfast Pastries", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Breakfast", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Preheat oven to 400\u00baF (200\u00baC), and prepare two cookie sheets with parchment paper. In a bowl, mix cream cheese, sugar, and vanilla until fully combined. Lightly flour the surface and roll out puff pastry on top to flatten. Cut each sheet of puff pastry into 9 equal squares. On the top right and bottom left of the pastry, cut an L shape approximately \u00bd inch (1 cm) from the edge.\r\nNOTE: This L shape should reach all the way down and across the square, however both L shapes should not meet at the ends. Your pastry should look like a picture frame with two corners still intact.\r\nTake the upper right corner and fold down towards the inner bottom corner. You will now have a diamond shape.\r\nPlace 1 to 2 teaspoons of the cream cheese filling in the middle, then place berries on top.\r\nRepeat with the remaining pastry squares and place them onto the parchment covered baking sheet.\r\nBake for 15-20 minutes or until pastry is golden brown and puffed.\r\nEnjoy!\r\n", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1543774956.jpg", - "strTags": "Breakfast,Summer", - "strYoutube": "", - "strIngredient1": "Cream Cheese", - "strIngredient2": "Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Vanilla Extract", - "strIngredient4": "Flour", - "strIngredient5": "Puff Pastry", - "strIngredient6": "Strawberries", - "strIngredient7": "Raspberries", - "strIngredient8": "Blackberries", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 1/4 oz ", - "strMeasure2": "1 1/4 cup", - "strMeasure3": "1 teaspoon", - "strMeasure4": "", - "strMeasure5": "2", - "strMeasure6": "", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52996", - "strMeal": "French Onion Chicken with Roasted Carrots & Mashed Potatoes", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "1\r\n\r\nPreheat oven to 425 degrees. Wash and dry all produce. Trim, peel, and cut carrots on a diagonal into \u00bc-inch-thick pieces. Dice potatoes into \u00bd-inch pieces. Halve, peel, and thinly slice onion.\r\n\r\n2\r\n\r\nToss carrots on a baking sheet with a drizzle of oil, salt, and pepper. Roast until browned and tender, 15-20 minutes.\r\n\r\n3\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, place potatoes in a medium pot with enough salted water to cover by 2 inches. Bring to a boil and cook until tender, 12-15 minutes. Drain and return potatoes to pot; cover to keep warm.\r\n\r\n4\r\n\r\nWhile potatoes cook, heat a drizzle of oil in a large pan over medium-high heat. Add onion and cook, stirring occasionally, until lightly browned and softened, 8-10 minutes. Sprinkle with 1 tsp sugar (2 tsp for 4 servings). Stir in stock concentrate and 2 TBSP water (\u00bc cup for 4); season with salt and pepper. Cook until jammy, 2-3 minutes more. Turn off heat; transfer to a small bowl. Wash out pan.\r\n\r\n5\r\n\r\nPat chicken dry with paper towels; season all over with salt and pepper. Heat a drizzle of oil in pan used for onion over medium-high heat. Add chicken and cook until browned and cooked through, 5-6 minutes per side. In the last 1-2 minutes of cooking, top with caramelized onion and cheese. Cover pan until cheese melts. (If your pan doesn\u2019t have a lid, cover with a baking sheet!)\r\n\r\n6\r\n\r\nHeat pot with drained potatoes over low heat; mash with sour cream, 2 TBSP butter (4 TBSP for 4 servings), salt, pepper, and a splash of water (or milk, for extra richness) until smooth. Divide chicken, roasted carrots, and mashed potatoes between plates.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/b5ft861583188991.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "", - "strIngredient1": "Chicken Breasts", - "strIngredient2": "Carrots", - "strIngredient3": "Small Potatoes", - "strIngredient4": "Onion", - "strIngredient5": "Beef Stock", - "strIngredient6": "Mozzarella", - "strIngredient7": "Sour Cream", - "strIngredient8": "Butter", - "strIngredient9": "Sugar", - "strIngredient10": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient11": "Salt", - "strIngredient12": "Pepper", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2", - "strMeasure2": "12 ounces", - "strMeasure3": "5", - "strMeasure4": "1", - "strMeasure5": "1", - "strMeasure6": "1 1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure7": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53025", - "strMeal": "Ful Medames", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Egyptian", - "strInstructions": "As the cooking time varies depending on the quality and age of the beans, it is good to cook them in advance and to reheat them when you are ready to serve. Cook the drained beans in a fresh portion of unsalted water in a large saucepan with the lid on until tender, adding water to keep them covered, and salt when the beans have softened. They take 2\u20132 1/2 hours of gentle simmering. When the beans are soft, let the liquid reduce. It is usual to take out a ladle or two of the beans and to mash them with some of the cooking liquid, then stir this back into the beans. This is to thicken the sauce.\r\nServe the beans in soup bowls sprinkled with chopped parsley and accompanied by Arab bread.\r\nPass round the dressing ingredients for everyone to help themselves: a bottle of extra-virgin olive oil, the quartered lemons, salt and pepper, a little saucer with the crushed garlic, one with chili-pepper flakes, and one with ground cumin.\r\nThe beans are eaten gently crushed with the fork, so that they absorb the dressing.\r\nOptional Garnishes\r\nPeel hard-boiled eggs\u20141 per person\u2014to cut up in the bowl with the beans.\r\nTop the beans with a chopped cucumber-and-tomato salad and thinly sliced mild onions or scallions. Otherwise, pass round a good bunch of scallions and quartered tomatoes and cucumbers cut into sticks.\r\nServe with tahina cream sauce (page 65) or salad (page 67), with pickles and sliced onions soaked in vinegar for 30 minutes.\r\nAnother way of serving ful medames is smothered in a garlicky tomato sauce (see page 464).\r\nIn Syria and Lebanon, they eat ful medames with yogurt or feta cheese, olives, and small cucumbers.\r\nVariations\r\nA traditional way of thickening the sauce is to throw a handful of red lentils (1/4 cup) into the water at the start of the cooking.\r\nIn Iraq, large brown beans are used instead of the small Egyptian ones, in a dish called badkila, which is also sold for breakfast in the street.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/lvn2d51598732465.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixpCabILuxw", - "strIngredient1": "Broad Beans", - "strIngredient2": "Parsley", - "strIngredient3": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Lemons", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient6": "Cumin", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure2": "1/3 cup", - "strMeasure3": "Dash", - "strMeasure4": "3", - "strMeasure5": "4", - "strMeasure6": "Sprinking", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/ful-medames-352993", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53030", - "strMeal": "Feteer Meshaltet", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Side", - "strArea": "Egyptian", - "strInstructions": "Mix the flour and salt then pour one cup of water and start kneading.\r\nIf you feel the dough is still not coming together or too dry, gradually add the remaining water until you get a dough that is very elastic so that when you pull it and it won\u2019t be torn.\r\nLet the dough rest for just 10 minutes then divide the dough into 6-8 balls depending on the size you want for your feteer.\r\nWarm up the butter/ghee or oil you are using and pour into a deep bowl.\r\nImmerse the dough balls into the warm butter. Let it rest for 15 to 20 minutes.\r\nPreheat oven to 550F.\r\nStretch the first ball with your hands on a clean countertop. Stretch it as thin as you can, the goal here is to see your countertop through the dough.\r\nFold the dough over itself to form a square brushing in between folds with the butter mixture.\r\nSet aside and start making the next ball.\r\nStretch the second one thin as we have done for the first ball.\r\nPlace the previous one on the middle seam side down. Fold the outer one over brushing with more butter mixture as you fold. Set aside.\r\nKeep doing this for the third and fourth balls. Now we have one ready, place on a 10 inch baking/pie dish seam side down and brush the top with more butter.\r\nRepeat for the remaining 4 balls to make a second one. With your hands lightly press the folded feteer to spread it on the baking dish.\r\nPlace in preheated oven for 10 minutes when the feteer starts puffing turn on the broiler to brown the top.\r\nWhen it is done add little butter on top and cover so it won\u2019t get dry.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/9f4z6v1598734293.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mW1unsVhFU", - "strIngredient1": "Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Water", - "strIngredient3": "Salt", - "strIngredient4": "Unsalted Butter", - "strIngredient5": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4 cups ", - "strMeasure2": "1 1/2 cups ", - "strMeasure3": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure4": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure5": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure6": " ", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://amiraspantry.com/egyptian-feteer-meshaltet/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53043", - "strMeal": "Fish fofos", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Portuguese", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1\r\n\r\nPut the fish into a lidded pan and pour over enough water to cover. Bring to a simmer and gently poach for 10 minutes over a low heat with the lid on. Drain and flake the fish.\r\n\r\nSTEP 2\r\n\r\nPut the fish, potato, green chilli, coriander, cumin, black pepper, garlic and ginger in a large bowl. Season, add the rice flour, mix well and break in 1 egg. Stir the mixture and divide into 15, then form into small logs. Break the remaining eggs into a bowl and whisk lightly. Put the breadcrumbs into another bowl. Dip each fofo in the beaten egg followed by the breadcrumb mixture. Chill for 20 minutes.\r\n\r\nSTEP 3\r\n\r\nHeat 1cm of oil in a large frying pan over a medium heat. Fry the fofos in batches for 2 minutes on each side, turning gently to get an even golden brown colour all over. Drain on kitchen paper and repeat with the remaining fofos.\r\n\r\nSTEP 4\r\n\r\nFor the onion salad, mix together the onion, coriander and lemon juice with a pinch of salt. Serve with the fofos and mango chutney.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/a15wsa1614349126.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXUZHK2PrV8", - "strIngredient1": "Haddock", - "strIngredient2": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient3": "Green Chilli", - "strIngredient4": "Coriander", - "strIngredient5": "Cumin Seeds", - "strIngredient6": "Pepper", - "strIngredient7": "Garlic", - "strIngredient8": "Ginger", - "strIngredient9": "Flour", - "strIngredient10": "Eggs", - "strIngredient11": "Breadcrumbs", - "strIngredient12": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "600g", - "strMeasure2": "300g", - "strMeasure3": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure4": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure7": "3 cloves", - "strMeasure8": "2 pieces ", - "strMeasure9": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "3", - "strMeasure11": "75g", - "strMeasure12": "For frying", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.olivemagazine.com/recipes/fish-and-seafood/fish-fofos/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53061", - "strMeal": "Fresh sardines", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Side", - "strArea": "Croatian", - "strInstructions": "Wash the fish under the cold tap. Roll in the flour and deep fry in oil until crispy. Lay on kitchen towel to get rid of the excess oil and serve hot or cold with a slice of lemon.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/nv5lf31628771380.jpg", - "strTags": "Fresh", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDaZoXP1Mdc", - "strIngredient1": "Sardines", - "strIngredient2": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Flour", - "strIngredient4": "Salt", - "strIngredient5": "", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "500g", - "strMeasure2": "Dash", - "strMeasure3": "To Glaze", - "strMeasure4": "Dash", - "strMeasure5": " ", - "strMeasure6": " ", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.visit-croatia.co.uk/croatian-cuisine/croatian-recipes/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53064", - "strMeal": "Fettuccine Alfredo", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pasta", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "Cook pasta according to package instructions in a large pot of boiling water and salt. Add heavy cream and butter to a large skillet over medium heat until the cream bubbles and the butter melts. Whisk in parmesan and add seasoning (salt and black pepper). Let the sauce thicken slightly and then add the pasta and toss until coated in sauce. Garnish with parsley, and it's ready.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/0jv5gx1661040802.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPPcNPdq_j4", - "strIngredient1": "Fettuccine", - "strIngredient2": "Heavy Cream", - "strIngredient3": "Butter", - "strIngredient4": "Parmesan", - "strIngredient5": "Parsley", - "strIngredient6": "Black Pepper", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 lb", - "strMeasure2": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure3": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure4": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure5": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure6": " ", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.delish.com/cooking/recipe-ideas/a55312/best-homemade-fettuccine-alfredo-recipe/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53079", - "strMeal": "Fish Soup (Ukha)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Russian", - "strInstructions": "In a medium pot, heat the olive oil over medium-high heat. Add the onions and cook, stirring occasionally until the onions start to caramelize. Add the carrots and cook until the carrots start to soften, about 4 more minutes.\r\nAdd the stock, water, potatoes, bay leaves, and black peppercorns. Season with salt and bring to a boil. Reduce heat, cover and cook for 10 minutes. Add the millet and cook for 15 more minutes until millet and potatoes are cooked.\r\nGently add the fish cubes. Stir and bring the soup to a simmer. The fish will cook through very fast, so make sure to not overcook them. They are done when the flesh is opaque and flakes easily.\r\nGarnish the soup with chopped fresh dill or parsley before serving.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/7n8su21699013057.jpg", - "strTags": "soup", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cS3Yn-y5uVg", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Carrots", - "strIngredient4": "Fish Stock", - "strIngredient5": "Water", - "strIngredient6": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient7": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient8": "Cod", - "strIngredient9": "Salmon", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure2": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure3": "2 medium", - "strMeasure4": "3 cups ", - "strMeasure5": "3 cups ", - "strMeasure6": "4 large", - "strMeasure7": "3", - "strMeasure8": "1", - "strMeasure9": "1", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.curiouscuisiniere.com/ukha-russian-fish-soup/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52764", - "strMeal": "Garides Saganaki", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Greek", - "strInstructions": "Place the prawns in a pot and add enough water to cover. Boil for 5 minutes. Drain, reserving the liquid, and set aside.\r\nHeat 2 tablespoons of oil in a saucepan. Add the onion; cook and stir until soft. Mix in the parsley, wine, tomatoes, garlic and remaining olive oil. Simmer, stirring occasionally, for about 30 minutes, or until the sauce is thickened.\r\nWhile the sauce is simmering, the prawns should become cool enough to handle. First remove the legs by pinching them, and then pull off the shells, leaving the head and tail on.\r\nWhen the sauce has thickened, stir in the prawns. Bring to a simmer again if the sauce has cooled with the prawns, and cook for about 5 minutes. Add the feta and remove from the heat. Let stand until the cheese starts to melt. Serve warm with slices of crusty bread.\r\nThough completely untraditional, you can add a few tablespoons of stock or passata to this recipe to make a delicious pasta sauce. Toss with pasta after adding the feta, and serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wuvryu1468232995.jpg", - "strTags": "Seafood,Shellfish", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uO0ejc85zSE", - "strIngredient1": "Raw king prawns", - "strIngredient2": "Olive oil", - "strIngredient3": "Chopped onion", - "strIngredient4": "Freshly chopped parsley", - "strIngredient5": "White wine", - "strIngredient6": "Chopped tomatoes", - "strIngredient7": "Minced garlic", - "strIngredient8": "Cubed Feta cheese", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "500g", - "strMeasure2": "3 tablespoons", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "pinch", - "strMeasure5": "250ml", - "strMeasure6": "1 (400g) tin", - "strMeasure7": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure8": "1 (200g) pack", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": null, - "strMeasure17": null, - "strMeasure18": null, - "strMeasure19": null, - "strMeasure20": null, - "strSource": null, - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52829", - "strMeal": "Grilled Mac and Cheese Sandwich", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pasta", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Make the mac and cheese\r\n\r\n1. Bring a medium saucepan of generously salted water (you want it to taste like seawater) to a boil. Add the pasta and cook, stirring occasionally, until al dente, 8 to 10 minutes, or according to the package directions. The pasta should be tender but still chewy.\r\n2. While the pasta is cooking, in a small bowl, whisk together the flour, mustard powder, garlic powder, salt, black pepper, and cayenne pepper.\r\n3. Drain the pasta in a colander. Place the empty pasta pan (no need to wash it) over low heat and add the butter. When the butter has melted, whisk in the flour mixture and continue to cook, whisking frequently, until the mixture is beginning to brown and has a pleasant, nutty aroma, about 1 minute. Watch carefully so it does not scorch on the bottom of the pan.\r\n4. Slowly whisk the milk and cream into the flour mixture until everything is really well combined. Cook, whisking constantly, until the sauce is heated through and just begins to thicken, about 2 minutes. Remove from the heat. Gradually add the cheese while stirring constantly with a wooden spoon or silicone spatula and keep stirring until the cheese has melted into the sauce. Then stir in the drained cooked pasta.\r\n5. Line a 9-by-13-inch (23-by-33-centimeter) rimmed baking sheet with parchment paper or aluminum foil. Coat the paper or foil with nonstick cooking spray or slick it with butter. Pour the warm mac and cheese onto the prepared baking sheet and spread it evenly with a spatula. Coat another piece of parchment paper with cooking spray or butter and place it, oiled or buttered side down, directly on the surface of the mac and cheese. Refrigerate until cool and firm, about 1 hour.\r\n\r\nMake the grilled cheese\r\n6. Heat a large cast-iron or nonstick skillet over medium-low heat.\r\n7. In a small bowl, stir together the 4 tablespoons (55 grams) butter and garlic powder until well blended.\r\n8. Remove the mac and cheese from the refrigerator and peel off the top layer of parchment paper. Carefully cut into 8 equal pieces. Each piece will make 1 grilled mac and cheese sandwich. (You can stash each individual portion in a double layer of resealable plastic bags and refrigerate for up to 3 days or freeze it for up to 1 month.)\r\n9. Spread 3/4 teaspoon garlic butter on one side of each bread slice. Place half of the slices, buttered-side down, on a clean cutting board. Top each with one slice of Cheddar, then 1 piece of the mac and cheese. (Transfer from the baking sheet by scooting your hand or a spatula under each piece of mac and cheese and then flipping it over onto a sandwich.) Place 1 slice of Jack on top of each. Finish with the remaining bread slices, buttered-side up.\r\n10. Using a wide spatula, place as many sandwiches in the pan as will fit without crowding it. Cover and cook until the bottoms are nicely browned, about 4 minutes. Turn and cook until the second sides are browned, the cheese is melted, and the mac and cheese is heated through, about 4 minutes more.\r\n11. Repeat with the remaining ingredients. Cut the sandwiches in half, if desired, and serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xutquv1505330523.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYq31xLj-DY", - "strIngredient1": "Macaroni", - "strIngredient2": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient3": "Mustard Powder", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic powder", - "strIngredient5": "Kosher salt", - "strIngredient6": "Black pepper", - "strIngredient7": "Cayenne pepper", - "strIngredient8": "Butter", - "strIngredient9": "Whole Milk", - "strIngredient10": "Heavy Cream", - "strIngredient11": "Monterey Jack Cheese", - "strIngredient12": "Butter", - "strIngredient13": "garlic powder", - "strIngredient14": "Bread", - "strIngredient15": "Cheddar Cheese", - "strIngredient16": "Colby Jack Cheese", - "strIngredient17": "Butter", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "8 ounces (230 grams)", - "strMeasure2": "1/3 cup", - "strMeasure3": "3/4 teaspoon", - "strMeasure4": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure5": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure6": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure7": "1/8 teaspoon", - "strMeasure8": "6 tablespoons (85 grams)", - "strMeasure9": "1 1/2 cups (360 milliliters)", - "strMeasure10": "1 cup (240 milliliters)", - "strMeasure11": "1 pound (455 grams) ", - "strMeasure12": "4 tablespoons (55 grams)", - "strMeasure13": "1 teaspoon", - "strMeasure14": "16 slices square", - "strMeasure15": "8 slices mild", - "strMeasure16": "8 slices", - "strMeasure17": "4 tablespoons (55 grams)", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://leitesculinaria.com/103647/recipes-grilled-mac-and-cheese-sandwich.html", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52951", - "strMeal": "General Tso's Chicken", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Chinese", - "strInstructions": "DIRECTIONS:\r\nSTEP 1 - SAUCE\r\nIn a bowl, add 2 Cups of water, 2 Tablespoon soy sauce, 2 Tablespoon white vinegar, sherry cooking wine, 1/4 Teaspoon white pepper, minced ginger, minced garlic, hot pepper, ketchup, hoisin sauce, and sugar.\r\nMix together well and set aside.\r\nSTEP 2 - MARINATING THE CHICKEN\r\nIn a bowl, add the chicken, 1 pinch of salt, 1 pinch of white pepper, 2 egg whites, and 3 Tablespoon of corn starch\r\nSTEP 3 - DEEP FRY THE CHICKEN\r\nDeep fry the chicken at 350 degrees for 3-4 minutes or until it is golden brown and loosen up the chicken so that they don't stick together.\r\nSet the chicken aside.\r\nSTEP 4 - STIR FRY\r\nAdd the sauce to the wok and then the broccoli and wait until it is boiling.\r\nTo thicken the sauce, whisk together 2 Tablespoon of cornstarch and 4 Tablespoon of water in a bowl and slowly add to your stir-fry until it's the right thickness.\r\nNext add in the chicken and stir-fry for a minute and serve on a plate", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1529444113.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWGwz0iBmvU", - "strIngredient1": "Chicken Breast", - "strIngredient2": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient3": "Egg", - "strIngredient4": "Starch", - "strIngredient5": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient6": "Salt", - "strIngredient7": "Onion Salt", - "strIngredient8": "Garlic Powder", - "strIngredient9": "Water", - "strIngredient10": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient11": "Duck Sauce", - "strIngredient12": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient13": "Honey", - "strIngredient14": "Rice Vinegar", - "strIngredient15": "Sesame Seed Oil", - "strIngredient16": "Gochujang", - "strIngredient17": "Starch", - "strIngredient18": "Garlic", - "strIngredient19": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient20": "Ginger", - "strMeasure1": "1 1/2 ", - "strMeasure2": "3/4 cup ", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure7": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure9": "3/4 cup ", - "strMeasure10": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure11": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure12": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure13": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure14": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure15": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure16": "1/2 tbs", - "strMeasure17": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure18": "1 clove", - "strMeasure19": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure20": "1 tsp ", - "strSource": "https://www.skinnytaste.com/general-tsos-chicken/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53012", - "strMeal": "Gigantes Plaki", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Greek", - "strInstructions": "Soak the beans overnight in plenty of water. Drain, rinse, then place in a pan covered with water. Bring to the boil, reduce the heat, then simmer for approx 50 mins until slightly tender but not soft. Drain, then set aside.\r\n\r\nHeat oven to 180C/160C fan/gas 4. Heat the olive oil in a large frying pan, tip in the onion and garlic, then cook over a medium heat for 10 mins until softened but not browned. Add the tomato pur\u00e9e, cook for a further min, add remaining ingredients, then simmer for 2-3 mins. Season generously, then stir in the beans. Tip into a large ovenproof dish, then bake for approximately 1 hr, uncovered and without stirring, until the beans are tender. The beans will absorb all the fabulous flavours and the sauce will thicken. Allow to cool, then scatter with parsley and drizzle with a little more olive oil to serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/b79r6f1585566277.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-2K2iyPASA", - "strIngredient1": "Butter Beans", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Onion", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient5": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient6": "Tomatoes", - "strIngredient7": "Sugar", - "strIngredient8": "Dried Oregano", - "strIngredient9": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient10": "Chopped Parsley", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "400g", - "strMeasure2": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure4": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure5": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "800g", - "strMeasure7": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "Pinch", - "strMeasure10": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/gigantes-plaki", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53021", - "strMeal": "Go\u0142\u0105bki (cabbage roll)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Polish", - "strInstructions": "Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Place cabbage head into water, cover pot, and cook until cabbage leaves are slightly softened enough to remove from head, 3 minutes. Remove cabbage from pot and let cabbage sit until leaves are cool enough to handle, about 10 minutes.\r\n\r\nRemove 18 whole leaves from the cabbage head, cutting out any thick tough center ribs. Set whole leaves aside. Chop the remainder of the cabbage head and spread it in the bottom of a casserole dish.\r\n\r\nMelt butter in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Cook and stir onion in hot butter until tender, 5 to 10 minutes. Cool.\r\n\r\nStir onion, beef, pork, rice, garlic, 1 teaspoon salt, and 1/4 teaspoon pepper together in a large bowl.\r\n\r\nPreheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).\r\n\r\nPlace about 1/2 cup beef mixture on a cabbage leaf. Roll cabbage around beef mixture, tucking in sides to create an envelope around the meat. Repeat with remaining leaves and meat mixture. Place cabbage rolls in a layer atop the chopped cabbage in the casserole dish; season rolls with salt and black pepper.\r\n\r\nWhisk tomato soup, tomato juice, and ketchup together in a bowl. Pour tomato soup mixture over cabbage rolls and cover dish wish aluminum foil.\r\n\r\nBake in the preheated oven until cabbage is tender and meat is cooked through, about 1 hour.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/q8sp3j1593349686.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBrTkDdoPYg", - "strIngredient1": "Cabbage", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Onion", - "strIngredient4": "Ground Beef", - "strIngredient5": "Ground Pork", - "strIngredient6": "Rice", - "strIngredient7": "Garlic", - "strIngredient8": "Salt", - "strIngredient9": "Black Pepper", - "strIngredient10": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure4": "1 lb", - "strMeasure5": "1/2 lb", - "strMeasure6": "1 1/2 cups ", - "strMeasure7": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure8": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure9": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure10": "3 cans", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/234975/golabki-stuffed-cabbage-rolls/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53041", - "strMeal": "Grilled Portuguese sardines", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Portuguese", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1\r\n\r\nPut all of the ingredients, except the sardines, into a bowl and mix together with some seasoning. Pour into a baking dish, add the sardines and toss really well. Cover and chill for a few hours.\r\n\r\nSTEP 2\r\n\r\nHeat a BBQ or griddle pan until hot. Cook the sardines for 4-5 minutes on each side or until really caramelised and charred. Put onto a serving plate, drizzle with oil, sprinkle with a little more paprika and squeeze over the lemon wedges.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/lpd4wy1614347943.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYtMjKa6cdY", - "strIngredient1": "Sardines", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Paprika", - "strIngredient5": "Lemon", - "strIngredient6": "Rosemary", - "strIngredient7": "Red Chilli", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "8", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "3 cloves", - "strMeasure4": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "1/2 ", - "strMeasure6": "4 sprigs", - "strMeasure7": "1", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.olivemagazine.com/recipes/fish-and-seafood/grilled-portuguese-sardines/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53074", - "strMeal": "Grilled eggplant with coconut milk", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Filipino", - "strInstructions": ". Prepare the eggplants for grilling by pricking them all over with a fork. This is so it won\u2019t burst during the grilling process as the natural water in it heats up.\r\n2. Grill the eggplants, turning them over frequently to ensure even cooking. Grill until the skins are dark brown, even black and the eggplant is soft when you touch it.\r\n3. Soak the grilled eggplant in a bowl of water to cool it down. Peel the skin off the eggplant. Place the whole eggplants in a shallow dish (my mom actually cuts the eggplant into small, bite-sized pieces).\r\n 4. In a small mixing bowl, mix together the coconut milk or cream, lemon powder, salt and hot pepper. Mix until the lemon powder and salt dissolve. Taste, then adjust the amount of lemon powder, salt and hot pepper to your liking. Pour the mixture over the eggplant. Sprinkle the green onions over the eggplant and coconut milk. Stir gently to combine. \r\n", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/bopa2i1683209167.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ourC5IhljB4", - "strIngredient1": "Egg Plants", - "strIngredient2": "Coconut Milk", - "strIngredient3": "Lemon Juice", - "strIngredient4": "Salt", - "strIngredient5": "Red Pepper Flakes", - "strIngredient6": "Onions", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "6", - "strMeasure2": "1 can ", - "strMeasure3": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "To taste", - "strMeasure6": "4 Sticks", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://simplybakings.com/grilled-eggplant-with-coconut-milk/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52773", - "strMeal": "Honey Teriyaki Salmon", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Japanese", - "strInstructions": "Mix all the ingredients in the Honey Teriyaki Glaze together. Whisk to blend well. Combine the salmon and the Glaze together.\r\n\r\nHeat up a skillet on medium-low heat. Add the oil, Pan-fry the salmon on both sides until it\u2019s completely cooked inside and the glaze thickens.\r\n\r\nGarnish with sesame and serve immediately.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xxyupu1468262513.jpg", - "strTags": "Fish,Breakfast,DateNight", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MpYuaJsvRw", - "strIngredient1": "Salmon", - "strIngredient2": "Olive oil", - "strIngredient3": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient4": "Sake", - "strIngredient5": "Sesame Seed", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "1 lb", - "strMeasure2": "1 tablespoon", - "strMeasure3": "2 tablespoons", - "strMeasure4": "2 tablespoons", - "strMeasure5": "4 tablespoons", - "strMeasure6": "", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": null, - "strMeasure17": null, - "strMeasure18": null, - "strMeasure19": null, - "strMeasure20": null, - "strSource": null, - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52787", - "strMeal": "Hot Chocolate Fudge", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Line an 8-inch-square baking pan with wax paper or foil, and coat with non-stick spray.\r\nIn a microwave-safe bowl, combine the dark chocolate chips, heavy cream and half of the sweetened condensed milk. Microwave the dark chocolate mixture in 20-second intervals, stirring in between each interval, until the chocolate is melted.\r\nAdd the vanilla extract to the dark chocolate mixture and stir well until smooth.\r\nTransfer the dark chocolate mixture into the prepared pan and spread into an even layer.\r\nIn a separate bowl, combine the white chocolate chips with the remaining half of the sweetened condensed milk. Microwave the white chocolate mixture in 20-second intervals, stirring in between each interval, until the chocolate is melted.\r\nEvenly spread the white chocolate mixture on top of dark chocolate layer.\r\nTop the chocolate layers with the Mallow Bits or miniature marshmallows, and gently press them down.\r\nRefrigerate for 4 hours, or until set.\r\nRemove the fudge and wax paper from the pan. Carefully peel all of the wax paper from the fudge.\r\nCut the fudge into bite-sized pieces and serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xrysxr1483568462.jpg", - "strTags": "Snack,Chocolate", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJvbsVSblfk", - "strIngredient1": "Chocolate Chips", - "strIngredient2": "Heavy Cream", - "strIngredient3": "Condensed Milk", - "strIngredient4": "Vanilla Extract", - "strIngredient5": "White Chocolate Chips", - "strIngredient6": "Miniature Marshmallows", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 cups", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "1 \u2013 14-ounce can", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure5": "1-\u2153 cups", - "strMeasure6": "1-\u00bd cups", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52954", - "strMeal": "Hot and Sour Soup", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "Chinese", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1 - MAKING THE SOUP\r\nIn a wok add chicken broth and wait for it to boil.\r\nNext add salt, sugar, sesame seed oil, white pepper, hot pepper sauce, vinegar and soy sauce and stir for few seconds.\r\nAdd Tofu, mushrooms, black wood ear mushrooms to the wok.\r\nTo thicken the sauce, whisk together 1 Tablespoon of cornstarch and 2 Tablespoon of water in a bowl and slowly add to your soup until it's the right thickness.\r\nNext add 1 egg slightly beaten with a knife or fork and add it to the soup and stir for 8 seconds\r\nServe the soup in a bowl and add the bbq pork and sliced green onions on top.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1529445893.jpg", - "strTags": "Soup", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgV9Zq3aSTo", - "strIngredient1": "Mushrooms", - "strIngredient2": "Wood Ear Mushrooms", - "strIngredient3": "Tofu", - "strIngredient4": "Pork", - "strIngredient5": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient6": "Salt", - "strIngredient7": "Sugar", - "strIngredient8": "Sesame Seed Oil", - "strIngredient9": "Pepper", - "strIngredient10": "Hotsauce", - "strIngredient11": "Vinegar", - "strIngredient12": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient13": "Cornstarch", - "strIngredient14": "Water", - "strIngredient15": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1/3 cup", - "strMeasure2": "1/3 cup", - "strMeasure3": "2/3 Cup", - "strMeasure4": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure5": "2-1/2 cups", - "strMeasure6": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure7": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure9": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure10": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure11": "1-\u00bd cups", - "strMeasure12": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure13": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure14": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure15": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://sueandgambo.com/pages/chinese-hot-and-sour-soup", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52967", - "strMeal": "Home-made Mandazi", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Breakfast", - "strArea": "Kenyan", - "strInstructions": "This is one recipe a lot of people have requested and I have tried to make it as simple as possible and I hope it will work for you. Make sure you use the right flour which is basically one with raising agents. Adjust the amount of sugar to your taste and try using different flavours to have variety whenever you have them.\r\nYou can use Coconut milk instead of regular milk, you can also add desiccated coconut to the dry flour or other spices like powdered cloves or cinnamon.\r\nFor \u201chealthy looking\u201d mandazis do not roll the dough too thin before frying and use the procedure I have indicated above.\r\n\r\n1. Mix the flour,cinnamon and sugar in a suitable bowl.\r\n2. In a separate bowl whisk the egg into the milk\r\n3. Make a well at the centre of the flour and add the milk and egg mixture and slowly mix to form a dough.\r\n4. Knead the dough for 3-4 minutes or until it stops sticking to the sides of the bowl and you have a smooth surface.\r\n5. Cover the dough with a damp cloth and allow to rest for 15 minutes.\r\n6. Roll the dough on a lightly floured surface into a 1cm thick piece.\r\n7. Using a sharp small knife, cut the dough into the desired size setting aside ready for deep frying.\r\n8. Heat your oil in a suitable pot and gently dip the mandazi pieces to cook until light brown on the first side then turn to cook on the second side.\r\n9. Serve them warm or cold", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/thazgm1555350962.jpg", - "strTags": "Baking,Breakfast,Egg,Warm,Snack", - "strYoutube": "", - "strIngredient1": "Self-raising Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Eggs", - "strIngredient4": "Milk", - "strIngredient5": "", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "750g", - "strMeasure2": "6 tablespoons", - "strMeasure3": "2", - "strMeasure4": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure5": " ", - "strMeasure6": " ", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "http://chef-raphael.com/home-made-mandazi-recipe/#more-106", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52993", - "strMeal": "Honey Balsamic Chicken with Crispy Broccoli & Potatoes", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "2 Servings\r\n\r\n1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Wash and dry all produce. Cut potatoes into 1/2-inch-thick wedges. Toss on one side of a baking sheet with a drizzle of oil, salt, and pepper. (For 4 servings, spread potatoes out across entire sheet.) Roast on top rack for 5 minutes (we'll add the broccoli then). \r\n\r\n2. Meanwhile, cut broccoli florets into bite-size pieces, if necessary. Peel and finely chop garlic. In a small microwave-safe bowl, combine 1 TBSP olive oil (2 TBSP for 4 servings) and half the garlic. Microwave until garlic sizzles, 30 seconds. \r\n\r\n3. Once potatoes have roasted 5 minutes, remove sheet from oven and add broccoli to empty side; carefully toss with garlic oil, salt, and pepper. (For 4 servings, add broccoli to a second sheet.) Continue roasting until potatoes and broccoli are browned and crispy, 15-20 minutes more. \r\n\r\n4. While veggies roast, pat chicken dry with paper towels; season all over with salt and pepper. Heat a drizzle of oil in a large pan over medium-high heat. Add chicken and cook until browned and cooked through, 5-6 minutes per side. (If chicken browns too quickly, reduce heat to medium.) Turn off heat; set chicken aside to rest. Wash out pan. \r\n\r\n5. Heat pan used for chicken over medium-high heat. Add a drizzle of oil and remaining garlic; cook until fragrant, 30 seconds. Stir in vinegar, honey, stock concentrate, and 1/4 cup water (1/3 cup for 4 servings). Simmer until thick and glossy, 2-3 minutes. Remove from heat and stir in 1 TBSP butter (2 TBSP for 4). Season with salt and pepper. \r\n\r\n6. Return chicken to pan and turn to coat in glaze. Divide chicken, broccoli, and potatoes between plates. Spoon any remaining glaze over chicken and serve. ", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/kvbotn1581012881.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Broccoli", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Chicken Breast", - "strIngredient5": "Balsamic Vinegar", - "strIngredient6": "Honey", - "strIngredient7": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient8": "Butter", - "strIngredient9": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient10": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "5", - "strMeasure2": "1", - "strMeasure3": "2 cloves", - "strMeasure4": "2", - "strMeasure5": " ", - "strMeasure6": " ", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure9": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure10": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53007", - "strMeal": "Honey Yogurt Cheesecake", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "Greek", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 160C/140C fan/gas 3. Crush the biscuits and most of the almonds inside a plastic food bag using a rolling pin. Mix with the butter, then press into the bottom of a deep, oval, 23cm dish (or something similar in size \u2013 a roasting tin, baking dish or cake tin will work). Bake for 10 mins until crisp.\r\n\r\nStir or mash together the yogurt and mascarpone, then whisk in the eggs, one at a time. Stir in the lemon and orange zests, then stir in most of the honey, reserving about 3 tbsp. Spread over the biscuit base, cover loosely with foil and cook for 1 hr. Remove the foil and cook for 15 mins more until lightly golden and the top is firm with just the slightest wobble in the middle. Leave to cool. Can be kept in the fridge for up to 2 days.\r\n\r\nTo serve, scatter with almonds, drizzle over the remaining honey, and hand around fresh fruit to go with it.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/y2irzl1585563479.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JE8crtueXs8", - "strIngredient1": "Digestive Biscuits", - "strIngredient2": "Almonds", - "strIngredient3": "Butter", - "strIngredient4": "Greek Yogurt", - "strIngredient5": "Mascarpone", - "strIngredient6": "Eggs", - "strIngredient7": "Lemon", - "strIngredient8": "Orange", - "strIngredient9": "Honey", - "strIngredient10": "Fruit Mix", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "100g ", - "strMeasure2": "85g", - "strMeasure3": "85g", - "strMeasure4": "250ml", - "strMeasure5": "750g", - "strMeasure6": "2", - "strMeasure7": "Zest of 1", - "strMeasure8": "Zest of 1", - "strMeasure9": "250ml", - "strMeasure10": "To serve", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/honey-yogurt-cheesecake", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53035", - "strMeal": "Ham hock colcannon", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "Irish", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1\r\nPeel and cut the potatoes into even, medium-sized chunks. Put in a large pan filled with cold salted water, bring to the boil and cook for 10-15 mins until a knife can be inserted into the potatoes easily.\r\n\r\nSTEP 2\r\nMeanwhile, melt the butter in a large saut\u00e9 pan over a medium heat. Add the garlic, cabbage, spring onions and some seasoning. Stir occasionally until the cabbage is wilted but still retains a little bite, then set aside.\r\n\r\nSTEP 3\r\nDrain the potatoes, leave to steam-dry for a couple of mins, then mash with the cream, mustard and seasoning in the same saucepan. Stir in the cabbage and ham hock. Keep warm over a low heat.\r\n\r\nSTEP 4\r\nReheat the pan you used to cook the cabbage (no need to wash first), add a splash of oil, crack in the eggs and fry to your liking. To serve, divide the colcannon between bowls and top each with a fried egg.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/n41ny81608588066.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQJAU2iJ730", - "strIngredient1": "Floury Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient4": "Cabbage", - "strIngredient5": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient6": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient7": "Mustard", - "strIngredient8": "Ham", - "strIngredient9": "Eggs", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "800g", - "strMeasure2": "50g", - "strMeasure3": "3 chopped", - "strMeasure4": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure5": "8", - "strMeasure6": "100ml", - "strMeasure7": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "180g", - "strMeasure9": "4", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/ham-hock-colcannon", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52781", - "strMeal": "Irish stew", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Irish", - "strInstructions": "Heat the oven to 180C/350F/gas mark 4. Drain and rinse the soaked wheat, put it in a medium pan with lots of water, bring to a boil and simmer for an hour, until cooked. Drain and set aside.\r\n\r\nSeason the lamb with a teaspoon of salt and some black pepper. Put one tablespoon of oil in a large, deep saut\u00e9 pan for which you have a lid; place on a medium-high heat. Add some of the lamb \u2013 don't overcrowd the pan \u2013 and sear for four minutes on all sides. Transfer to a bowl, and repeat with the remaining lamb, adding oil as needed.\r\n\r\nLower the heat to medium and add a tablespoon of oil to the pan. Add the shallots and fry for four minutes, until caramelised. Tip these into the lamb bowl, and repeat with the remaining vegetables until they are all nice and brown, adding more oil as you need it.\r\n\r\nOnce all the vegetables are seared and removed from the pan, add the wine along with the sugar, herbs, a teaspoon of salt and a good grind of black pepper. Boil on a high heat for about three minutes.\r\n\r\nTip the lamb, vegetables and whole wheat back into the pot, and add the stock. Cover and boil for five minutes, then transfer to the oven for an hour and a half.\r\n\r\nRemove the stew from the oven and check the liquid; if there is a lot, remove the lid and boil for a few minutes.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/sxxpst1468569714.jpg", - "strTags": "Stew,Meat", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYH2qJXnSMo", - "strIngredient1": "whole wheat", - "strIngredient2": "lamb loin chops", - "strIngredient3": "olive oil", - "strIngredient4": "shallots", - "strIngredient5": "carrots", - "strIngredient6": "turnips", - "strIngredient7": "celeriac", - "strIngredient8": "charlotte potatoes", - "strIngredient9": "white wine", - "strIngredient10": "caster sugar", - "strIngredient11": "fresh thyme", - "strIngredient12": "oregano", - "strIngredient13": "chicken stock", - "strIngredient14": null, - "strIngredient15": null, - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "300g soaked overnight in water", - "strMeasure2": "2kg cut into 3cm cubes", - "strMeasure3": "120ml", - "strMeasure4": "24 Skinned", - "strMeasure5": "4 large", - "strMeasure6": "2", - "strMeasure7": "1", - "strMeasure8": "350g", - "strMeasure9": "150ml", - "strMeasure10": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure11": "4 sprigs", - "strMeasure12": "4 sprigs", - "strMeasure13": "450ml", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": null, - "strMeasure17": null, - "strMeasure18": null, - "strMeasure19": null, - "strMeasure20": null, - "strSource": "http://www.ottolenghi.co.uk/recipes/meat/irish-stew-shop", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52890", - "strMeal": "Jam Roly-Poly", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Put a deep roasting tin onto the bottom shelf of the oven, and make sure that there\u2019s another shelf directly above it. Pull the roasting tin out on its shelf, fill two-thirds with boiling water from the kettle, then carefully slide it back in. Heat oven to 180C/160C fan/gas 4. Tear off a large sheet of foil and greaseproof paper (about 30 x 40cm). Sit the greaseproof on top of the foil and butter it.\r\nTip butter, flour and vanilla seeds into a food processor; pulse until the butter has disappeared. Tip into a mixing bowl. Stir through the suet, pour in the milk and work together with a cutlery knife until you get a sticky dough. You may need a drop more milk, depending on your flour.\r\nTip the dough out onto a floured surface, quickly pat together to smooth, then roll out to a square roughly 25 x 25cm. Spread the jam all over, leaving a gap along one edge, then roll up from the opposite edge. Pinch the jam-free edge into the dough where it meets, and pinch the ends roughly, too. Carefully lift onto the greased paper, join-side down (you might find a flat baking sheet helpful for this), loosely bring up the paper and foil around it, then scrunch together along the edges and ends to seal. The roly-poly will puff quite a bit during cooking so don\u2019t wrap it tightly. Lift the parcel directly onto the rack above the tin and cook for 1 hr.\r\nLet the pudding sit for 5 mins before unwrapping, then carefully open the foil and paper, and thickly slice to serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ysqupp1511640538.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZYWVQ8imVA", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Self-raising Flour", - "strIngredient3": "Vanilla", - "strIngredient4": "Suet", - "strIngredient5": "Milk", - "strIngredient6": "Raspberry Jam", - "strIngredient7": "Custard", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "50g", - "strMeasure2": "250g", - "strMeasure3": "1 small", - "strMeasure4": "50g", - "strMeasure5": "150ml", - "strMeasure6": "100g ", - "strMeasure7": "to serve", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/13354/jam-rolypoly", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52937", - "strMeal": "Jerk chicken with rice & peas", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Jamaican", - "strInstructions": "To make the jerk marinade, combine all the ingredients in a food processor along with 1 tsp salt, and blend to a pur\u00e9e. If you\u2019re having trouble getting it to blend, just keep turning off the blender, stirring the mixture, and trying again. Eventually it will start to blend up \u2013 don\u2019t be tempted to add water, as you want a thick paste.\r\n\r\nTaste the jerk mixture for seasoning \u2013 it should taste pretty salty, but not unpleasantly, puckering salty. You can now throw in more chillies if it\u2019s not spicy enough for you. If it tastes too salty and sour, try adding in a bit more brown sugar until the mixture tastes well balanced.\r\n\r\nMake a few slashes in the chicken thighs and pour the marinade over the meat, rubbing it into all the crevices. Cover and leave to marinate overnight in the fridge.\r\n\r\nIf you want to barbecue your chicken, get the coals burning 1 hr or so before you\u2019re ready to cook. Authentic jerked meats are not exactly grilled as we think of grilling, but sort of smoke-grilled. To get a more authentic jerk experience, add some wood chips to your barbecue, and cook your chicken over slow, indirect heat for 30 mins. To cook in the oven, heat to 180C/160C fan/gas 4. Put the chicken pieces in a roasting tin with the lime halves and cook for 45 mins until tender and cooked through.\r\n\r\nWhile the chicken is cooking, prepare the rice & peas. Rinse the rice in plenty of cold water, then tip it into a large saucepan with all the remaining ingredients except the kidney beans. Season with salt, add 300ml cold water and set over a high heat. Once the rice begins to boil, turn it down to a medium heat, cover and cook for 10 mins.\r\n\r\nAdd the beans to the rice, then cover with a lid. Leave off the heat for 5 mins until all the liquid is absorbed. Squeeze the roasted lime over the chicken and serve with the rice & peas, and some hot sauce if you like it really spicy.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/tytyxu1515363282.jpg", - "strTags": "Chilli,Curry", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfchrS2D_v4", - "strIngredient1": "Chicken Thighs", - "strIngredient2": "Lime", - "strIngredient3": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient4": "Ginger", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic", - "strIngredient6": "Onion", - "strIngredient7": "Red Chilli", - "strIngredient8": "Thyme", - "strIngredient9": "Lime", - "strIngredient10": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient11": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient12": "Brown Sugar", - "strIngredient13": "Allspice", - "strIngredient14": "Basmati Rice", - "strIngredient15": "Coconut Milk", - "strIngredient16": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient17": "Thyme", - "strIngredient18": "Garlic", - "strIngredient19": "Allspice", - "strIngredient20": "Kidney Beans", - "strMeasure1": "12", - "strMeasure2": "1/2 ", - "strMeasure3": "1 bunch", - "strMeasure4": "1 tbs chopped", - "strMeasure5": "3 cloves", - "strMeasure6": "1/2 ", - "strMeasure7": "3 chopped", - "strMeasure8": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure9": "Juice of 1", - "strMeasure10": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure11": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure12": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure13": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure14": "200g", - "strMeasure15": "400g", - "strMeasure16": "1 bunch", - "strMeasure17": "2 sprigs", - "strMeasure18": "2 cloves chopped", - "strMeasure19": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure20": "800g", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2369635/jerk-chicken-with-rice-and-peas", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52938", - "strMeal": "Jamaican Beef Patties", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Jamaican", - "strInstructions": "Make the Pastry Dough\r\n\r\nTo a large bowl, add flour, 1 teaspoon salt, and turmeric and mix thoroughly.\r\nRub shortening into flour until there are small pieces of shortening completely covered with flour.\r\nPour in 1/2 cup of the ice water and mix with your hands to bring the dough together. Keep adding ice water 2 to 3 tablespoons at a time until the mixture forms a dough.\r\nAt this stage, you can cut the dough into 2 large pieces, wrap in plastic and refrigerate for 30 minutes before using it.\r\nAlternatively, cut the dough into 10 to 12 equal pieces, place on a platter or baking sheet, cover securely with plastic wrap and let chill for 30 minutes while you make the filling.\r\nMake the Filling\r\n\r\nAdd ground beef to a large bowl. Sprinkle in allspice and black pepper. Mix together and set aside.\r\nHeat oil in a skillet until hot.\r\nAdd onions and saut\u00e9 until translucent. Add hot pepper, garlic and thyme and continue to saut\u00e9 for another minute. Add 1/4 teaspoon salt.\r\nAdd seasoned ground beef and toss to mix, breaking up any clumps, and let cook until the meat is no longer pink.\r\nAdd ketchup and more salt to taste.\r\nPour in 2 cups of water and stir. Bring the mixture to a boil then reduce heat and let simmer until most of the liquid has evaporated and whatever is remaining has reduced to a thick sauce.\r\nFold in green onions. Remove from heat and let cool completely.\r\nAssemble the Patties\r\n\r\nBeat the egg and water together to make an egg wash. Set aside.\r\nNow you can prepare the dough in two ways.\r\nFirst Method: Flour the work surface and rolling pin. If you had cut it into 2 large pieces, then take one of the large pieces and roll it out into a very large circle. Take a bowl with a wide rim (about 5 inches) and cut out three circles.\r\n\r\nPlace about 3 heaping tablespoons of the filling onto 1/2 of each circle. Dip a finger into the water and moisten the edges of the pastry. Fold over the other half and press to seal. \r\n\r\nTake a fork and crimp the edges. Cut off any extra to make it look neat and uniform. Place on a parchment-lined baking sheet and continue to work until you have rolled all the dough and filled the patties.\r\nSecond Method: If you had pre-cut the dough into individual pieces, work with one piece of dough at a time. Roll it out on a floured surface into a 5-inch circle or a little larger. Don\u2019t worry if the edges are not perfect.\r\n\r\nPlace 3 heaping tablespoons of the filling on one side of the circle. Dip a finger into the water and moisten the edges of the pastry. Fold over the other half and press to seal.\r\n\r\nTake a fork and crimp the edges. Cut off any extra to make it look neat and uniform. Place on a parchment-lined baking sheet and continue work until you have rolled all the dough and filled the patties.\r\n\r\nFrying and Serving the Patties\r\n\r\nAfter forming the patties, place the pans in the refrigerator while you heat the oven to 350 F.\r\nJust before adding the pans with the patties to the oven, brush the patties with egg wash.\r\nBake patties for 30 minutes or until golden brown.\r\nCool on wire racks.\r\nServe warm.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wsqqsw1515364068.jpg", - "strTags": "Snack,Spicy", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypQjoiZiTac", - "strIngredient1": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Salt", - "strIngredient3": "Curry Powder", - "strIngredient4": "Butter", - "strIngredient5": "Water", - "strIngredient6": "Minced Beef", - "strIngredient7": "Allspice", - "strIngredient8": "Black Pepper", - "strIngredient9": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient10": "Onions", - "strIngredient11": "Red Pepper", - "strIngredient12": "Garlic", - "strIngredient13": "Thyme", - "strIngredient14": "Salt", - "strIngredient15": "Tomato Ketchup", - "strIngredient16": "Water", - "strIngredient17": "Onions", - "strIngredient18": "Egg", - "strIngredient19": "Water", - "strIngredient20": "Water", - "strMeasure1": "4 cups ", - "strMeasure2": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure3": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure4": "250g", - "strMeasure5": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure6": "900g", - "strMeasure7": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure8": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure9": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure11": "Ground", - "strMeasure12": "2 tsp ground", - "strMeasure13": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure14": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure15": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure16": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure17": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure18": "1 beaten", - "strMeasure19": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure20": "1/4 cup", - "strSource": "https://www.thespruce.com/jamaican-beef-patties-recipe-2137762", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53033", - "strMeal": "Japanese gohan rice", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Side", - "strArea": "Japanese", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1\r\nRinsing and soaking your rice is key to achieving the perfect texture. Measure the rice into a bowl, cover with cold water, then use your fingers to massage the grains of rice \u2013 the water will become cloudy. Drain and rinse again with fresh water. Repeat five more times until the water stays clear.\r\n\r\nSTEP 2\r\nTip the rinsed rice into a saucepan with 400ml water, or 200ml dashi and 200ml water, bring to the boil, then turn down the heat to a low simmer, cover with a tight-fitting lid with a steam hole and cook for 15 mins. Remove from the heat and leave to sit for another 15 mins, then stir through the mirin. Remove the lid and give it a good stir. Serve with any or all of the optional toppings.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/kw92t41604181871.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZO86_-MIp0", - "strIngredient1": "Sushi Rice", - "strIngredient2": "Mirin", - "strIngredient3": "Pickle Juice", - "strIngredient4": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient5": "", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "300g", - "strMeasure2": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "Garnish", - "strMeasure4": "Garnish", - "strMeasure5": " ", - "strMeasure6": " ", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/japanese-rice-gohan", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53034", - "strMeal": "Japanese Katsudon", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "Japanese", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1\r\nHeat the oil in a pan, fry the sliced onion until golden brown, then add the tonkatsu (see recipe here), placing it in the middle of the pan. Mix the dashi, soy, mirin and sugar together and tip three-quarters of the mixture around the tonkatsu. Sizzle for a couple of mins so the sauce thickens a little and the tonkatsu reheats.\r\n\r\nSTEP 2\r\nTip the beaten eggs around the tonkatsu and cook for 2-3 mins until the egg is cooked through but still a little runny. Divide the rice between two bowls, then top each with half the egg and tonkatsu mix, sprinkle over the chives and serve immediately, drizzling with a little more soy if you want an extra umami kick.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/d8f6qx1604182128.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voE-MBJqBVk", - "strIngredient1": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Pork", - "strIngredient4": "Vegetable Stock", - "strIngredient5": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient6": "Mirin", - "strIngredient7": "Sugar", - "strIngredient8": "Eggs", - "strIngredient9": "Sushi Rice", - "strIngredient10": "Chives", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure2": "1 large", - "strMeasure3": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure4": "150ml", - "strMeasure5": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure7": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure8": "2 Beaten ", - "strMeasure9": "200g", - "strMeasure10": "Chopped", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/japanese-katsudon", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52769", - "strMeal": "Kapsalon", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Lamb", - "strArea": "Dutch", - "strInstructions": "Cut the meat into strips. Heat oil in a pan and fry the strips for 6 minutes until it's ready.\r\nBake the fries until golden brown in a deep fryrer. When ready transfer to a backing dish. Make sure the fries are spread over the whole dish.\r\nCover the fries with a new layer of meat and spread evenly.\r\nAdd a layer of cheese over the meat. You can also use grated cheese. When done put in the oven for a few minutes until the cheese is melted.\r\nChop the lettuce, tomato and cucumber in small pieces and mix together. for a basic salad. As extra you can add olives jalapenos and a red union.\r\nDived the salad over the dish and Serve with garlicsauce and hot sauce", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/sxysrt1468240488.jpg", - "strTags": "Snack", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIcuiU1kV8I", - "strIngredient1": "Fries", - "strIngredient2": "Doner Meat", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic sauce", - "strIngredient4": "Hotsauce", - "strIngredient5": "Lettuce", - "strIngredient6": "Tomato", - "strIngredient7": "Cucumber", - "strIngredient8": "Gouda cheese", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "250 Grams", - "strMeasure2": "500 Grams", - "strMeasure3": "Topping", - "strMeasure4": "Topping", - "strMeasure5": "1 Bulb", - "strMeasure6": "1", - "strMeasure7": "3rd", - "strMeasure8": "100 Grams", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": null, - "strMeasure17": null, - "strMeasure18": null, - "strMeasure19": null, - "strMeasure20": null, - "strSource": null, - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52813", - "strMeal": "Kentucky Fried Chicken", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Preheat fryer to 350\u00b0F. Thoroughly mix together all the spice mix ingredients.\r\nCombine spice mix with flour, brown sugar and salt.\r\nDip chicken pieces in egg white to lightly coat them, then transfer to flour mixture. Turn a few times and make sure the flour mix is really stuck to the chicken. Repeat with all the chicken pieces.\r\nLet chicken pieces rest for 5 minutes so crust has a chance to dry a bit.\r\nFry chicken in batches. Breasts and wings should take 12-14 minutes, and legs and thighs will need a few more minutes. Chicken pieces are done when a meat thermometer inserted into the thickest part reads 165\u00b0F.\r\nLet chicken drain on a few paper towels when it comes out of the fryer. Serve hot.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xqusqy1487348868.jpg", - "strTags": "Meat,Spicy", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTUxCvCz8Bc", - "strIngredient1": "Chicken", - "strIngredient2": "Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Egg White", - "strIngredient4": "Flour", - "strIngredient5": "Brown Sugar", - "strIngredient6": "Salt", - "strIngredient7": "paprika", - "strIngredient8": "onion salt", - "strIngredient9": "chili powder", - "strIngredient10": "black pepper", - "strIngredient11": "celery salt", - "strIngredient12": "sage", - "strIngredient13": "garlic powder", - "strIngredient14": "allspice", - "strIngredient15": "oregano", - "strIngredient16": "basil", - "strIngredient17": "marjoram", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 whole", - "strMeasure2": "2 quarts neutral frying", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "1 1/2 cups ", - "strMeasure5": "1 tablespoon", - "strMeasure6": "1 tablespoon", - "strMeasure7": "1 tablespoon", - "strMeasure8": "2 teaspoons", - "strMeasure9": "1 teaspoon", - "strMeasure10": "1 teaspoon", - "strMeasure11": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure12": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure13": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure14": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure15": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure16": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure17": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.tablespoon.com/recipes/copycat-kfc-original-style-chicken/97c93d14-9d8c-4bc7-96dc-1e0b37e4fcaa", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52820", - "strMeal": "Katsu Chicken curry", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Japanese", - "strInstructions": "Prep:15min \u203a Cook:30min \u203a Ready in:45min \r\n\r\nFor the curry sauce: Heat oil in medium non-stick saucepan, add onion and garlic and cook until softened. Stir in carrots and cook over low heat for 10 to 12 minutes.\r\nAdd flour and curry powder; cook for 1 minute. Gradually stir in stock until combined; add honey, soy sauce and bay leaf. Slowly bring to the boil.\r\nTurn down heat and simmer for 20 minutes or until sauce thickens but is still of pouring consistency. Stir in garam masala. Pour the curry sauce through a sieve; return to saucepan and keep on low heat until ready to serve.\r\nFor the chicken: Season both sides of chicken breasts with salt and pepper. Place flour, egg and breadcrumbs in separate bowls and arrange in a row. Coat the chicken breasts in flour, then dip them into the egg, then coat in breadcrumbs, making sure you cover both sides.\r\nHeat oil in large frying pan over medium-high heat. Place chicken into hot oil and cook until golden brown, about 3 or 4 minutes each side. Once cooked, place on kitchen paper to absorb excess oil.\r\nPour curry sauce over chicken, serve with white rice and enjoy!", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vwrpps1503068729.jpg", - "strTags": "Curry,Meat", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWzxDFRtVbc", - "strIngredient1": "chicken breast", - "strIngredient2": "plain flour", - "strIngredient3": "egg", - "strIngredient4": "breadcrumbs", - "strIngredient5": "vegetable oil", - "strIngredient6": "sunflower oil", - "strIngredient7": "onions", - "strIngredient8": "garlic", - "strIngredient9": "carrot", - "strIngredient10": "plain flour", - "strIngredient11": "curry powder", - "strIngredient12": "chicken stock", - "strIngredient13": "honey", - "strIngredient14": "soy sauce", - "strIngredient15": "bay leaf", - "strIngredient16": "garam masala", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4 pounded to 1cm thickness", - "strMeasure2": "2 tablespoons", - "strMeasure3": "1 beaten", - "strMeasure4": "100g fine", - "strMeasure5": "230ml frying", - "strMeasure6": "2 tablespoons", - "strMeasure7": "2 sliced", - "strMeasure8": "5 chopped cloves", - "strMeasure9": "2 sliced", - "strMeasure10": "2 tablespoons", - "strMeasure11": "4 teaspoons", - "strMeasure12": "600ml", - "strMeasure13": "2 teaspoons", - "strMeasure14": "4 teaspoons", - "strMeasure15": "1", - "strMeasure16": "1 teaspoon", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/29578/chicken-katsu-curry.aspx", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52859", - "strMeal": "Key Lime Pie", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Heat the oven to 160C/fan 140C/gas 3. Whizz the biscuits to crumbs in a food processor (or put in a strong plastic bag and bash with a rolling pin). Mix with the melted butter and press into the base and up the sides of a 22cm loose-based tart tin. Bake in the oven for 10 minutes. Remove and cool.\r\nPut the egg yolks in a large bowl and whisk for a minute with electric beaters. Add the condensed milk and whisk for 3 minutes then add the zest and juice and whisk again for 3 minutes. Pour the filling into the cooled base then put back in the oven for 15 minutes. Cool then chill for at least 3 hours or overnight if you like.\r\nWhen you are ready to serve, carefully remove the pie from the tin and put on a serving plate. To decorate, softly whip together the cream and icing sugar. Dollop or pipe the cream onto the top of the pie and finish with extra lime zest.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qpqtuu1511386216.jpg", - "strTags": "Cake,Pie,Desert,Fruity,Sour", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4Rz7tUkX9A", - "strIngredient1": "Digestive Biscuits", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Condensed Milk", - "strIngredient4": "Egg Yolks", - "strIngredient5": "Lime", - "strIngredient6": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient7": "Icing Sugar", - "strIngredient8": "Lime", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "300g", - "strMeasure2": "150g", - "strMeasure3": "400g", - "strMeasure4": "3", - "strMeasure5": "4", - "strMeasure6": "300ml ", - "strMeasure7": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure8": "to serve", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2155644/key-lime-pie", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52868", - "strMeal": "Kidney Bean Curry", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Indian", - "strInstructions": "Heat the oil in a large frying pan over a low-medium heat. Add the onion and a pinch of salt and cook slowly, stirring occasionally, until softened and just starting to colour. Add the garlic, ginger and coriander stalks and cook for a further 2 mins, until fragrant.\r\n\r\nAdd the spices to the pan and cook for another 1 min, by which point everything should smell aromatic. Tip in the chopped tomatoes and kidney beans in their water, then bring to the boil.\r\n\r\nTurn down the heat and simmer for 15 mins until the curry is nice and thick. Season to taste, then serve with the basmati rice and the coriander leaves.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/sywrsu1511463066.jpg", - "strTags": "Curry", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tp_PMWvIKzo", - "strIngredient1": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Ginger", - "strIngredient5": "Coriander", - "strIngredient6": "Cumin", - "strIngredient7": "Paprika", - "strIngredient8": "Garam Masala", - "strIngredient9": "Chopped Tomatoes", - "strIngredient10": "Kidney Beans", - "strIngredient11": "Basmati Rice", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure2": "1 finely chopped ", - "strMeasure3": "2 cloves chopped", - "strMeasure4": "1 part ", - "strMeasure5": "1 Packet", - "strMeasure6": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure7": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure8": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure9": "400g", - "strMeasure10": "400g", - "strMeasure11": "to serve", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/kidney-bean-curry", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52887", - "strMeal": "Kedgeree", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "For the rice, heat the oil in a large, lidded pan, add the onion, then gently fry for 5 mins until softened but not coloured. Add the spices, season with salt, then continue to fry until the mix start to go brown and fragrant; about 3 mins.\r\nAdd the rice and stir in well. Add 600ml water, stir, then bring to the boil. Reduce to a simmer, then cover for 10 mins. Take off the heat and leave to stand, covered, for 10-15 mins more. The rice will be perfectly cooked if you do not lift the lid before the end of the cooking.\r\nMeanwhile, put the haddock and bay leaves in a frying pan, cover with the milk, then poach for 10 mins until the flesh flakes. Remove from the milk, peel away the skin, then flake the flesh into thumbsize pieces. Place the eggs in a pan, cover with water, bring to the boil, then reduce to a simmer. Leave for 4\u00bd-5 mins, plunge into cold water, then peel and cut the eggs into quarters. Gently mix the fish, eggs, parsley, coriander and rice together in the pan. Serve hot, sprinkled with a few extra herbs.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/utxqpt1511639216.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Pw1I1-SItE", - "strIngredient1": "Smoked Haddock", - "strIngredient2": "Bay Leaves", - "strIngredient3": "Milk", - "strIngredient4": "Eggs", - "strIngredient5": "Parsley", - "strIngredient6": "Coriander", - "strIngredient7": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient8": "Onion", - "strIngredient9": "Coriander", - "strIngredient10": "Curry Powder", - "strIngredient11": "Rice", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "300g", - "strMeasure2": "2", - "strMeasure3": "300ml ", - "strMeasure4": "4", - "strMeasure5": "Handful", - "strMeasure6": "Handful", - "strMeasure7": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure9": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure10": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure11": "300g", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/10421/kedgeree", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52945", - "strMeal": "Kung Pao Chicken", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Chinese", - "strInstructions": "Combine the sake or rice wine, soy sauce, sesame oil and cornflour dissolved in water. Divide mixture in half.\r\nIn a glass dish or bowl, combine half of the sake mixture with the chicken pieces and toss to coat. Cover dish and place in refrigerator for about 30 minutes.\r\nIn a medium frying pan, combine remaining sake mixture, chillies, vinegar and sugar. Mix together and add spring onion, garlic, water chestnuts and peanuts. Heat sauce slowly over medium heat until aromatic.\r\nMeanwhile, remove chicken from marinade and saut\u00e9 in a large frying pan until juices run clear. When sauce is aromatic, add saut\u00e9ed chicken and let simmer together until sauce thickens.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1525872624.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqdcCHQlOe0", - "strIngredient1": "Sake", - "strIngredient2": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient3": "Sesame Seed Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Corn Flour", - "strIngredient5": "Water", - "strIngredient6": "Chicken", - "strIngredient7": "Chilli Powder", - "strIngredient8": "Rice Vinegar", - "strIngredient9": "Brown Sugar", - "strIngredient10": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient11": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient12": "Water Chestnut", - "strIngredient13": "Peanuts", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "500g", - "strMeasure7": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure9": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "4 Chopped", - "strMeasure11": "6 cloves", - "strMeasure12": "220g", - "strMeasure13": "100g ", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/1773/kung-pao-chicken.aspx", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52946", - "strMeal": "Kung Po Prawns", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Chinese", - "strInstructions": "Mix the cornflour and 1 tbsp soy sauce, toss in the prawns and set aside for 10 mins. Stir the vinegar, remaining soy sauce, tomato pur\u00e9e, sugar and 2 tbsp water together to make a sauce.\r\n\r\nWhen you\u2019re ready to cook, heat a large frying pan or wok until very hot, then add 1 tbsp oil. Fry the prawns until they are golden in places and have opened out\u2013 then tip them out of the pan.\r\n\r\nHeat the remaining oil and add the peanuts, chillies and water chestnuts. Stir-fry for 2 mins or until the peanuts start to colour, then add the ginger and garlic and fry for 1 more min. Tip in the prawns and sauce and simmer for 2 mins until thickened slightly. Serve with rice.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1525873040.jpg", - "strTags": "BBQ", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysiuZm9FIxs", - "strIngredient1": "Prawns", - "strIngredient2": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient3": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient4": "Corn Flour", - "strIngredient5": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient6": "Sunflower Oil", - "strIngredient7": "Peanuts", - "strIngredient8": "Chilli", - "strIngredient9": "Brown Sugar", - "strIngredient10": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient11": "Water Chestnut", - "strIngredient12": "Ginger", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "400g", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure7": "85g", - "strMeasure8": "3 Large", - "strMeasure9": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "6 cloves", - "strMeasure11": "450g", - "strMeasure12": "to taste", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1415664/kung-po-prawns", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52971", - "strMeal": "Kafteji", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Tunisian", - "strInstructions": "Peel potatoes and cut into 5cm cubes.\r\nPour 1-2 cm of olive oil into a large pan and heat up very hot. Fry potatoes until golden brown for 20 minutes, turning from time to time. Place on kitchen paper to drain.\r\nCut the peppers in half and remove seeds. Rub a little olive oil on them and place the cut side down on a baking tray. Place them under the grill. Grill until the skin is dark and bubbly. While the peppers are still hot, put them into a plastic sandwich bag and seal it. Take them out after 15 minutes and remove skins.\r\nIn the meantime, heat more olive oil another pan. Peel the onions and cut into thin rings. Fry for 15 minutes until golden brown, turning them often. Add the Ras el hanout at the end.\r\nCut the pumpkin into 5cm cubes and fry in the same pan you used for the potatoes for 10-15 minutes until it is soft and slightly browned. Place on kitchen paper.\r\nPour the remaining olive oil out of the pan and put all the cooked vegetables into the pan and mix. Whisk eggs and pour them over the vegetables. Put the lid on the pan so that the eggs cook. Put the contents of the pan onto a large chopping board, add salt and pepper and chopped and mix everything with a big knife.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1bsv1q1560459826.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TFf-Zu-xQU", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Green Pepper", - "strIngredient4": "Onions", - "strIngredient5": "Ras el hanout", - "strIngredient6": "Pumpkin", - "strIngredient7": "Eggs", - "strIngredient8": "Salt", - "strIngredient9": "Pepper", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "5 Large", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "5", - "strMeasure5": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "500g", - "strMeasure7": "24 Skinned", - "strMeasure8": "Pinch", - "strMeasure9": "Pinch", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/12294/kafteji--tunisian-fried-vegetables-.aspx", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52974", - "strMeal": "Keleya Zaara", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Lamb", - "strArea": "Tunisian", - "strInstructions": "Heat the vegetable oil in a large frying pan over medium-high heat. Add the lamb and cook until browned on all sides, about 5 minutes. Season with saffron, salt and pepper to taste; stir in all but 4 tablespoons of the onion, and pour in the water. Bring to the boil, then cover, reduce heat to medium-low, and simmer until the lamb is tender, about 15 minutes.\r\nUncover the pan, stir in the butter and allow the sauce reduce 5 to 10 minutes to desired consistency. Season to taste with salt and pepper, then pour into a serving dish. Sprinkle with the remaining chopped onions and parsley. Garnish with lemon wedges to serve.\r\n", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/8x09hy1560460923.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_OSIChzuL0", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Lamb", - "strIngredient3": "Saffron", - "strIngredient4": "Onion", - "strIngredient5": "Water", - "strIngredient6": "Parsley", - "strIngredient7": "Butter", - "strIngredient8": "Lemon", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure2": "750g", - "strMeasure3": "1 1/2 tsp ", - "strMeasure4": "1 Large Chopped", - "strMeasure5": "25 ml", - "strMeasure6": "30g", - "strMeasure7": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "1", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/43723/keleya-zaara-tunisian-lamb-with-saffron.aspx", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52978", - "strMeal": "Kumpir", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Side", - "strArea": "Turkish", - "strInstructions": "If you order kumpir in Turkey, the standard filling is first, lots of butter mashed into the potato, followed by cheese. There\u2019s then a row of other toppings that you can just point at to your heart\u2019s content \u2013 sweetcorn, olives, salami, coleslaw, Russian salad, allsorts \u2013 and you walk away with an over-stuffed potato because you got ever-excited by the choices on offer.\r\n\r\nGrate (roughly \u2013 you can use as much as you like) 150g of cheese.\r\nFinely chop one onion and one sweet red pepper.\r\nPut these ingredients into a large bowl with a good sprinkling of salt and pepper, chilli flakes (optional).", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/mlchx21564916997.jpg", - "strTags": "SideDish", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEDEtZ4UVtI", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Cheese", - "strIngredient4": "Onion", - "strIngredient5": "Red Pepper", - "strIngredient6": "Red Chile Flakes", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 large", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "150g", - "strMeasure4": "1 large", - "strMeasure5": "1 large", - "strMeasure6": "Pinch", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "http://www.turkeysforlife.com/2013/10/firinda-kumpir-turkish-street-food.html", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53015", - "strMeal": "Krispy Kreme Donut", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Dissolve yeast in warm water in 2 1/2-quart bowl. Add milk, sugar, salt, eggs, shortening and 2 cups flour. Beat on low for 30 seconds, scraping bowl constantly. Beat on medium speed for 2 minutes, scraping bowl occasionally. Stir in remaining flour until smooth. Cover and let rise until double, 50-60 minutes. (Dough is ready when indentation remains when touched.) Turn dough onto floured surface; roll around lightly to coat with flour. Gently roll dough 1/2-inch thick with floured rolling pin. Cut with floured doughnut cutter. Cover and let rise until double, 30-40 minutes.\r\nHeat vegetable oil in deep fryer to 350\u00b0. Slide doughnuts into hot oil with wide spatula. Turn doughnuts as they rise to the surface. Fry until golden brown, about 1 minute on each side. Remove carefully from oil (do not prick surface); drain. Dip the doughnuts into creamy glaze set on rack.\r\n\r\n\r\nGlaze: \r\nHeat butter until melted. Remove from heat. Stir in powdered sugar and vanilla until smooth. Stir in water, 1 tablespoon at a time, until desired consistency.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/4i5cnx1587672171.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SamYg6IUGOI", - "strIngredient1": "Yeast", - "strIngredient2": "Water", - "strIngredient3": "Water", - "strIngredient4": "Sugar", - "strIngredient5": "Salt", - "strIngredient6": "Eggs", - "strIngredient7": "Shortening", - "strIngredient8": "Flour", - "strIngredient9": "Canola Oil", - "strIngredient10": "Milk", - "strIngredient11": "Sugar", - "strIngredient12": "Vanilla", - "strIngredient13": "Boiling Water", - "strIngredient14": "Butter", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1/4 ounce", - "strMeasure2": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure3": "1 1/2 cups ", - "strMeasure4": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "2", - "strMeasure7": "1/3 cup", - "strMeasure8": "5 drops", - "strMeasure9": "Sprinking", - "strMeasure10": "1/2 cup", - "strMeasure11": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure12": "1 1/2 cups ", - "strMeasure13": "6 tablespoons", - "strMeasure14": " 1/3 cup", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.mythirtyspot.com/krispy-kreme-copycat-recipe-for/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53027", - "strMeal": "Koshari", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Egyptian", - "strInstructions": "Cook the lentils. Bring lentils and 4 cups of water to a boil in a medium pot or saucepan over high heat. Reduce the heat to low and cook until lentils are just tender (15-17 minutes). Drain from water and season with a little salt. (Note: when the lentils are ready, they should not be fully cooked. They should be only par-cooked and still have a bite to them as they need to finish cooking with the rice).\r\nNow, for the rice. Drain the rice from its soaking water. Combine the par-cooked lentils and the rice in the saucepan over medium-high heat with 1 tbsp cooking oil, salt, pepper, and coriander. Cook for 3 minutes, stirring regularly. Add warm water to cover the rice and lentil mixture by about 1 1/2 inches (you\u2019ll probably use about 3 cups of water here). Bring to a boil; the water should reduce a bit. Now cover and cook until all the liquid has been absorbed and both the rice and lentils are well cooked through (about 20 minutes). Keep covered and undisturbed for 5 minutes or so.\r\nNow make the pasta. While the rice and lentils are cooking, make the pasta according to package instructions by adding the elbow pasta to boiling water with a dash of salt and a little oil. Cook until the pasta is al dente. Drain.\r\nCover the chickpeas and warm in the microwave briefly before serving.\r\n\r\nMake the crispy onion topping. \r\n\r\nSprinkle the onion rings with salt, then toss them in the flour to coat. Shake off excess flour.\r\nIn a large skillet, heat the cooking oil over medium-high heat, cook the onion rings, stirring often, until they turn a nice caramelized brown. Onions must be crispy, but not burned (15-20 minutes).", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/4er7mj1598733193.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0d2ZMZBW4Y", - "strIngredient1": "Brown Lentils", - "strIngredient2": "Rice", - "strIngredient3": "Coriander", - "strIngredient4": "Macaroni", - "strIngredient5": "Chickpeas", - "strIngredient6": "Onion", - "strIngredient7": "Salt", - "strIngredient8": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 1/2 cups ", - "strMeasure2": "1 1/2 cups ", - "strMeasure3": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure4": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure5": "Can", - "strMeasure6": "1 large", - "strMeasure7": "Sprinking", - "strMeasure8": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.themediterraneandish.com/egyptian-koshari-recipe/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52782", - "strMeal": "Lamb tomato and sweet spices", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Lamb", - "strArea": "Moroccan", - "strInstructions": "Use pickled vine leaves here, preserved in brine. Small delicate leaves are better than the large bristly ones but, if only large leaves are to hand, then trim them to roughly 12 by 12 cms so that you don't get too many layers of leaves around the filling. And remove any stalks. Drain the preserved leaves, immerse them in boiling water for 10 minutes and then leave to dry on a tea towel before use. \r\nBasmati rice with butter and pine nuts is an ideal accompaniment. Couscous is great, too. Serves four.\r\nFirst make the filling. Put all the ingredients, apart from the tomatoes, in a bowl. Cut the tomatoes in half, coarsely grate into the bowl and discard the skins. Add half a teaspoon of salt and some black pepper, and stir. Leave on the side, or in the fridge, for up to a day. Before using, gently squeeze with your hands and drain away any juices that come out.\r\nTo make the sauce, heat the oil in a medium pan. Add the ginger and garlic, cook for a minute or two, taking care not to burn them, then add the tomato, lemon juice and sugar. Season, and simmer for 20 minutes.\r\nWhile the sauce is bubbling away, prepare the vine leaves. Use any torn or broken leaves to line the base of a wide, heavy saucepan. Trim any leaves from the fennel, cut it vertically into 0.5cm-thick slices and spread over the base of the pan to cover completely.\r\nLay a prepared vine leaf (see intro) on a work surface, veiny side up. Put two teaspoons of filling at the base of the leaf in a 2cm-long by 1cm-wide strip. Fold the sides of the leaf over the filling, then roll it tightly from bottom to top, in a cigar shape. Place in the pan, seam down, and repeat with the remaining leaves, placing them tightly next to each other in lines or circles (in two layers if necessary).\r\nPour the sauce over the leaves (and, if needed, add water just to cover). Place a plate on top, to weigh the leaves down, then cover with a lid. Bring to a boil, reduce the heat and cook on a bare simmer for 70 minutes. Most of the liquid should evaporate. Remove from the heat, and leave to cool a little - they are best served warm. When serving, bring to the table in the pan - it looks great. Serve a few vine leaves and fennel slices with warm rice. Spoon the braising juices on top and garnish with coriander.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qtwtss1468572261.jpg", - "strTags": "", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaZb1MnFBgA", - "strIngredient1": "olive oil", - "strIngredient2": "ginger", - "strIngredient3": "garlic", - "strIngredient4": "tomatoes", - "strIngredient5": "lemon juice", - "strIngredient6": "caster sugar", - "strIngredient7": "vine leaves", - "strIngredient8": "fennel bulb", - "strIngredient9": "lamb mince", - "strIngredient10": "onion", - "strIngredient11": "potato", - "strIngredient12": "basmati rice", - "strIngredient13": "chopped parsley", - "strIngredient14": "coriander", - "strIngredient15": "lemon juice", - "strIngredient16": "garlic", - "strIngredient17": "clove", - "strIngredient18": "cinnamon", - "strIngredient19": "tomatoes", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure2": "4cm piece finely chopped", - "strMeasure3": "2 cloves peeled and chopped", - "strMeasure4": "800g peeled and chopped ", - "strMeasure5": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure6": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure7": "50", - "strMeasure8": "1 large", - "strMeasure9": "400g", - "strMeasure10": "1 medium", - "strMeasure11": "1 small peeled and coarsely grated", - "strMeasure12": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure13": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure14": "2 tbsp chopped", - "strMeasure15": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure16": "2 cloves", - "strMeasure17": "\u00bd tsp ground", - "strMeasure18": "\u00bd tsp ground ", - "strMeasure19": "2 medium", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.ottolenghi.co.uk/recipes/meat/lamb-tomato-and-sweet-spices-shop", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52805", - "strMeal": "Lamb Biryani", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Lamb", - "strArea": "Indian", - "strInstructions": "Grind the cashew, poppy seeds and cumin seeds into a smooth paste, using as little water as possible. Set aside. \r\n\r\nDeep fry the sliced onions when it is hot. Don\u2019t overcrowd the oil. When the onions turn light brown, remove from oil and drain on paper towel. The fried onion will crisp up as it drains. Also fry the cashewnuts till golden brown. Set aside.\r\n\r\nWash the rice and soak in water for twenty minutes.\r\nMeanwhile, take a big wide pan, add oil in medium heat, add the sliced onions, add the blended paste, to it add the green chillies, ginger garlic paste and garlic and fry for a minute.\r\nThen add the tomatoes and saut\u00e9 them well till they are cooked and not mushy.\r\n\r\nThen to it add the red chilli powder, biryani powder, mint, coriander leaves and saut\u00e9 them well.\r\nAdd the yogurt and mix well. I always move the skillet away from the heat when adding yogurt which prevents it from curdling.\r\n\r\nNow after returning the skillet back to the stove, add the washed lamb and salt and \u00bd cup water and mix well. Cook for 1 hour and cook it covered in medium low heat or put it in a pressure cooker for 6 whistles. If the water is not drained totally, heat it by keeping it open.\r\n\r\nTake another big pan, add thrice the cup of rice you use, and boil it. When it is boiling high, add the rice, salt and jeera and mix well. After 7 minutes exact or when the rice is 80% done. Switch off and drain the rice.\r\n\r\nNow, the layering starts. To the lamb, pat and level it. Add the drained hot rice on the top of it. Garnish with fried onions, ghee, mint, coriander leaves and saffron dissolved in milk.\r\n\r\nCover the dish and bake in a 350f oven for 15 minutes or till the cooked but not mushy. Or cook in the stove medium heat for 12 minutes and lowest heat for 5 minutes. And switch off. Mix and serve hot!\r\nNotes\r\n1. If you are cooking in oven, do make sure to cook in a big oven safe pan and cover it tight and then keep in oven for the final step.\r\n2. You can skip biryani masala if you don\u2019t have and add just garam masala (1 tsp and red chilli powder \u2013 3 tsp instead of 1 tsp)\r\n3. If it is spicy in the end, squeeze some lemon, it will reduce the heat and enhance the flavors also.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xrttsx1487339558.jpg", - "strTags": "Curry,Meat", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7SYVSG5nxo", - "strIngredient1": "Cashew nuts", - "strIngredient2": "Khus khus", - "strIngredient3": "Cumin seeds", - "strIngredient4": "Onions", - "strIngredient5": "Ginger garlic paste", - "strIngredient6": "Garlic", - "strIngredient7": "Mint", - "strIngredient8": "Cilantro", - "strIngredient9": "Saffron", - "strIngredient10": "Ghee", - "strIngredient11": "Basmati rice", - "strIngredient12": "Full fat yogurt", - "strIngredient13": "Cumin Seeds", - "strIngredient14": "Bay leaf", - "strIngredient15": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient16": "Cloves", - "strIngredient17": "Cardamom", - "strIngredient18": "Lamb", - "strIngredient19": "Red Chilli powder", - "strIngredient20": "Biryani masala", - "strMeasure1": "12", - "strMeasure2": "\u00bd tbsp", - "strMeasure3": "\u00bd tbsp", - "strMeasure4": "3 sliced thinly", - "strMeasure5": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure6": "4 whole", - "strMeasure7": "Leaves", - "strMeasure8": "Leaves", - "strMeasure9": "\u00bd tsp dissolved in \u00bd cup warm milk", - "strMeasure10": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure11": "2 Cups", - "strMeasure12": "\u00bd cup", - "strMeasure13": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure14": "\u00bd", - "strMeasure15": "1 thin piece", - "strMeasure16": "3", - "strMeasure17": "2", - "strMeasure18": "1 lb", - "strMeasure19": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure20": "1 tbsp", - "strSource": "http://www.relishthebite.com/restaurant-style-lamb-biryani/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52808", - "strMeal": "Lamb Rogan josh", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Lamb", - "strArea": "Indian", - "strInstructions": "\r\nPut the onions in a food processor and whizz until very finely chopped. Heat the oil in a large heavy-based pan, then fry the onion with the lid on, stirring every now and then, until it is really golden and soft. Add the garlic and ginger, then fry for 5 mins more.\r\nTip the curry paste, all the spices and the bay leaves into the pan, with the tomato pur\u00e9e. Stir well over the heat for about 30 secs, then add the meat and 300ml water. Stir to mix, turn down the heat, then add the yogurt.\r\nCover the pan, then gently simmer for 40-60 mins until the meat is tender and the sauce nice and thick. Serve scattered with coriander, with plain basmati or pilau rice.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vvstvq1487342592.jpg", - "strTags": "Curry,Spicy,Alcoholic", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZVo32n7iS8", - "strIngredient1": "Onion", - "strIngredient2": "Sunflower Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Ginger", - "strIngredient5": "Madras Paste", - "strIngredient6": "Paprika", - "strIngredient7": "cinnamon stick", - "strIngredient8": "Cardamom", - "strIngredient9": "Clove", - "strIngredient10": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient11": "Tomato Pur\u00e9e", - "strIngredient12": "Lamb", - "strIngredient13": "Greek yogurt", - "strIngredient14": "Coriander", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 quartered", - "strMeasure2": "4 tbsp", - "strMeasure3": "4 cloves", - "strMeasure4": "Thumb sized peeled and very finely grated", - "strMeasure5": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure6": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure7": "1", - "strMeasure8": "6 bashed to break shells", - "strMeasure9": "4", - "strMeasure10": "2", - "strMeasure11": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure12": "1kg cubed", - "strMeasure13": "150ml", - "strMeasure14": "Garnish chopped ", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/9643/onepan-rogan-josh", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52821", - "strMeal": "Laksa King Prawn Noodles", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Malaysian", - "strInstructions": "Heat the oil in a medium saucepan and add the chilli. Cook for 1 min, then add the curry paste, stir and cook for 1 min more. Dissolve the stock cube in a large jug in 700ml boiling water, then pour into the pan and stir to combine. Tip in the coconut milk and bring to the boil.\r\nAdd the fish sauce and a little seasoning. Toss in the noodles and cook for a further 3-4 mins until softening. Squeeze in the lime juice, add the prawns and cook through until warm, about 2-3 mins. Scatter over some of the coriander.\r\nServe in bowls with the remaining coriander and lime wedges on top for squeezing over.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/rvypwy1503069308.jpg", - "strTags": "Shellfish,Seafood", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcarztU8cYo", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "red chili", - "strIngredient3": "Thai red curry paste", - "strIngredient4": "vegetable stock cube", - "strIngredient5": "coconut milk", - "strIngredient6": "fish sauce", - "strIngredient7": "rice noodles", - "strIngredient8": "lime", - "strIngredient9": "king prawns", - "strIngredient10": "coriander", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure2": "1 finely sliced", - "strMeasure3": "2 \u00bd tbsp", - "strMeasure4": "1", - "strMeasure5": "400ml can", - "strMeasure6": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure7": "100g", - "strMeasure8": "2 juice of 1, the other halved", - "strMeasure9": "150g", - "strMeasure10": "\u00bd small pack", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/prawn-laksa-curry-bowl", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52843", - "strMeal": "Lamb Tagine", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Lamb", - "strArea": "Moroccan", - "strInstructions": "Heat the olive oil in a heavy-based pan and add the onion and carrot. Cook for 3- 4 mins until softened.\r\n\r\nAdd the diced lamb and brown all over. Stir in the garlic and all the spices and cook for a few mins more or until the aromas are released.\r\n\r\nAdd the honey and apricots, crumble in the stock cube and pour over roughly 500ml boiling water or enough to cover the meat. Give it a good stir and bring to the boil. Turn down to a simmer, put the lid on and cook for 1 hour.\r\n\r\nRemove the lid and cook for a further 30 mins, then stir in the squash. Cook for 20 \u2013 30 mins more until the squash is soft and the lamb is tender. Serve alongside rice or couscous and sprinkle with parsley and pine nuts, if using.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/yuwtuu1511295751.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bR5Cqu84S_k", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Carrots", - "strIngredient4": "Lamb Leg", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic", - "strIngredient6": "Cumin", - "strIngredient7": "Ginger", - "strIngredient8": "Saffron", - "strIngredient9": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient10": "Honey", - "strIngredient11": "Apricot", - "strIngredient12": "Vegetable Stock Cube", - "strIngredient13": "Butternut Squash", - "strIngredient14": "Couscous", - "strIngredient15": "Parsley", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure2": "1 finely sliced", - "strMeasure3": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure4": "500g", - "strMeasure5": "2 cloves minced", - "strMeasure6": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure7": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure8": "\u00bc tsp", - "strMeasure9": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure10": "1 tblsp ", - "strMeasure11": "100g ", - "strMeasure12": "1", - "strMeasure13": "1 medium chopped", - "strMeasure14": "Steamed", - "strMeasure15": "Chopped", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2303638/family-meals-easy-lamb-tagine-", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52844", - "strMeal": "Lasagne", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pasta", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "Heat the oil in a large saucepan. Use kitchen scissors to snip the bacon into small pieces, or use a sharp knife to chop it on a chopping board. Add the bacon to the pan and cook for just a few mins until starting to turn golden. Add the onion, celery and carrot, and cook over a medium heat for 5 mins, stirring occasionally, until softened.\r\nAdd the garlic and cook for 1 min, then tip in the mince and cook, stirring and breaking it up with a wooden spoon, for about 6 mins until browned all over.\r\nStir in the tomato pur\u00e9e and cook for 1 min, mixing in well with the beef and vegetables. Tip in the chopped tomatoes. Fill each can half full with water to rinse out any tomatoes left in the can, and add to the pan. Add the honey and season to taste. Simmer for 20 mins.\r\nHeat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6. To assemble the lasagne, ladle a little of the ragu sauce into the bottom of the roasting tin or casserole dish, spreading the sauce all over the base. Place 2 sheets of lasagne on top of the sauce overlapping to make it fit, then repeat with more sauce and another layer of pasta. Repeat with a further 2 layers of sauce and pasta, finishing with a layer of pasta.\r\nPut the cr\u00e8me fra\u00eeche in a bowl and mix with 2 tbsp water to loosen it and make a smooth pourable sauce. Pour this over the top of the pasta, then top with the mozzarella. Sprinkle Parmesan over the top and bake for 25\u201330 mins until golden and bubbling. Serve scattered with basil, if you like.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wtsvxx1511296896.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfhfsBPt46s", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Bacon", - "strIngredient3": "Onion", - "strIngredient4": "Celery", - "strIngredient5": "Carrots", - "strIngredient6": "Garlic", - "strIngredient7": "Minced Beef", - "strIngredient8": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient9": "Chopped Tomatoes", - "strIngredient10": "Honey", - "strIngredient11": "Lasagne Sheets", - "strIngredient12": "Creme Fraiche", - "strIngredient13": "Mozzarella Balls", - "strIngredient14": "Parmesan Cheese", - "strIngredient15": "Basil Leaves", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 tblsp ", - "strMeasure2": "2", - "strMeasure3": "1 finely chopped ", - "strMeasure4": "1 Stick", - "strMeasure5": "1 medium", - "strMeasure6": "2 cloves chopped", - "strMeasure7": "500g", - "strMeasure8": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure9": "800g", - "strMeasure10": "1 tblsp ", - "strMeasure11": "500g", - "strMeasure12": "400ml", - "strMeasure13": "125g", - "strMeasure14": "50g", - "strMeasure15": "Topping", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/classic-lasagne", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52877", - "strMeal": "Lamb and Potato pie", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Lamb", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Dust the meat with flour to lightly coat.\r\nHeat enough vegetable oil in a large saucepan to fill the base, and fry the onion and meat until lightly browned. Season with salt and pepper.\r\nAdd the carrots, stock and more seasoning to taste.\r\nBring to the boil, cover and reduce the heat to a simmer. Simmer for at least an hour or until the meat is tender. Take your time cooking the meat, the longer you leave it to cook, the better the flavour will be.\r\nPreheat the oven to 180C/350F/Gas 4.\r\nAdd the drained potato cubes to the lamb.\r\nTurn the mixture into a pie dish or casserole and cover with the shortcrust pastry. Make three slits in the top of the pastry to release any steam while cooking.\r\nBrush with beaten egg and bake for about 40 minutes, until the pastry is golden brown.\r\nServe.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/sxrpws1511555907.jpg", - "strTags": "Pie", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCyPaaUNYUk", - "strIngredient1": "Lamb Shoulder", - "strIngredient2": "Flour", - "strIngredient3": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Onion", - "strIngredient5": "Carrots", - "strIngredient6": "Vegetable Stock", - "strIngredient7": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient8": "Shortcrust Pastry", - "strIngredient9": "Eggs", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "500g", - "strMeasure2": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure3": "Dash", - "strMeasure4": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure5": "2 sliced", - "strMeasure6": "350ml/12fl", - "strMeasure7": "500g", - "strMeasure8": "450g", - "strMeasure9": "To Glaze", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/lambandpotatopie_83913", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52884", - "strMeal": "Lancashire hotpot", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Lamb", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 160C/fan 140C/gas 3. Heat some dripping or butter in a large shallow casserole dish, brown the lamb in batches, lift to a plate, then repeat with the kidneys.\r\nFry the onions and carrots in the pan with a little more dripping until golden. Sprinkle over the flour, allow to cook for a couple of mins, shake over the Worcestershire sauce, pour in the stock, then bring to the boil. Stir in the meat and bay leaves, then turn off the heat. Arrange the sliced potatoes on top of the meat, then drizzle with a little more dripping. Cover, then place in the oven for about 1\u00bd hrs until the potatoes are cooked.\r\nRemove the lid, brush the potatoes with a little more dripping, then turn the oven up to brown the potatoes, or finish under the grill for 5-8 mins until brown.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/uttrxw1511637813.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6TS5J8YRA4", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Lamb", - "strIngredient3": "Lamb Kidney", - "strIngredient4": "Onions", - "strIngredient5": "Carrots", - "strIngredient6": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient7": "Worcestershire Sauce", - "strIngredient8": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient9": "Bay Leaves", - "strIngredient10": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "100g ", - "strMeasure2": "900g", - "strMeasure3": "3", - "strMeasure4": "2 medium", - "strMeasure5": "4 sliced", - "strMeasure6": "25g", - "strMeasure7": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "500ml", - "strMeasure9": "2", - "strMeasure10": "900g", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/9099/lancashire-hotpot", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52973", - "strMeal": "Leblebi Soup", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Tunisian", - "strInstructions": "Heat the oil in a large pot. Add the onion and cook until translucent.\r\nDrain the soaked chickpeas and add them to the pot together with the vegetable stock. Bring to the boil, then reduce the heat and cover. Simmer for 30 minutes.\r\nIn the meantime toast the cumin in a small ungreased frying pan, then grind them in a mortar. Add the garlic and salt and pound to a fine paste.\r\nAdd the paste and the harissa to the soup and simmer until the chickpeas are tender, about 30 minutes.\r\nSeason to taste with salt, pepper and lemon juice and serve hot.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/x2fw9e1560460636.jpg", - "strTags": "Soup", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgRifcCwinY", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Chickpeas", - "strIngredient4": "Vegetable Stock", - "strIngredient5": "Cumin", - "strIngredient6": "Garlic", - "strIngredient7": "Salt", - "strIngredient8": "Harissa Spice", - "strIngredient9": "Pepper", - "strIngredient10": "Lime", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure2": "1 medium finely diced", - "strMeasure3": "250g", - "strMeasure4": "1.5L", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "5 cloves", - "strMeasure7": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure9": "Pinch", - "strMeasure10": "1/2 ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/43419/leblebi--tunisian-chickpea-soup-.aspx", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52987", - "strMeal": "Lasagna Sandwiches", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pasta", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "1. In a small bowl, combine the first four ingredients; spread on four slices of bread. Layer with bacon, tomato and cheese; top with remaining bread.\r\n\r\n2. In a large skillet or griddle, melt 2 tablespoons butter. Toast sandwiches until lightly browned on both sides and cheese is melted, adding butter if necessary.\r\n\r\nNutrition Facts\r\n1 sandwich: 445 calories, 24g fat (12g saturated fat), 66mg cholesterol, 1094mg sodium, 35g carbohydrate (3g sugars, 2g fiber), 21g protein.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xr0n4r1576788363.jpg", - "strTags": "Sandwich", - "strYoutube": "", - "strIngredient1": "Sour Cream", - "strIngredient2": "Chopped Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Dried Oregano", - "strIngredient4": "Salt", - "strIngredient5": "Bread", - "strIngredient6": "Bacon", - "strIngredient7": "Tomato", - "strIngredient8": "Mozzarella", - "strIngredient9": "Butter", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "1/2 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure5": "8 slices", - "strMeasure6": "8 slices", - "strMeasure7": "8 slices", - "strMeasure8": "4 slices", - "strMeasure9": "2 1/2 Tbs", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53009", - "strMeal": "Lamb and Lemon Souvlaki", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Lamb", - "strArea": "Greek", - "strInstructions": "Pound the garlic with sea salt in a pestle and mortar (or use a small food processor), until the garlic forms a paste. Whisk together the oil, lemon juice, zest, dill and garlic. Mix in the lamb and combine well. Cover and marinate for at least 2 hrs or overnight in the fridge. If you\u2019re going to use bamboo skewers, soak them in cold water.\r\n\r\nIf you\u2019ve prepared the lamb the previous day, take it out of the fridge 30 mins before cooking. Thread the meat onto the soaked or metal skewers. Heat the grill to high or have a hot griddle pan or barbecue ready. Cook the skewers for 2-3 mins on each side, basting with the remaining marinade. Heat the pitta or flatbreads briefly, then stuff with the souvlaki. Add Greek salad (see 'Goes well with', right) and Tzatziki (below), if you like.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/rjhf741585564676.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krR4rhjR75Y", - "strIngredient1": "Garlic", - "strIngredient2": "Sea Salt", - "strIngredient3": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Lemon", - "strIngredient5": "Dill", - "strIngredient6": "Lamb Leg", - "strIngredient7": "Pita Bread", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 cloves", - "strMeasure2": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure3": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "Zest and juice of 1", - "strMeasure5": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "750g", - "strMeasure7": "To serve", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/lamb-lemon-dill-souvlaki", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53010", - "strMeal": "Lamb Tzatziki Burgers", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Lamb", - "strArea": "Greek", - "strInstructions": "Tip the bulghar into a pan, cover with water and boil for 10 mins. Drain really well in a sieve, pressing out any excess water.\r\n\r\nTo make the tzatziki, squeeze and discard the juice from the cucumber, then mix into the yogurt with the chopped mint and a little salt.\r\n\r\nWork the bulghar into the lamb with the spices, garlic (if using) and seasoning, then shape into 4 burgers. Brush with a little oil and fry or barbecue for about 5 mins each side until cooked all the way through. Serve in the buns (toasted if you like) with the tzatziki, tomatoes, onion and a few mint leaves.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/k420tj1585565244.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7_TF4ZHjPc", - "strIngredient1": "Bulgur Wheat", - "strIngredient2": "Lamb Mince", - "strIngredient3": "Cumin", - "strIngredient4": "Coriander", - "strIngredient5": "Paprika", - "strIngredient6": "Garlic", - "strIngredient7": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient8": "Bun", - "strIngredient9": "Cucumber", - "strIngredient10": "Greek Yogurt", - "strIngredient11": "Mint", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "25g", - "strMeasure2": "500g", - "strMeasure3": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "1 clove finely chopped", - "strMeasure7": "For frying", - "strMeasure8": "4", - "strMeasure9": "Grated", - "strMeasure10": "200g", - "strMeasure11": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/lamb-burgers-tzatziki", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53083", - "strMeal": "Lamb Pilaf (Plov)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Lamb", - "strArea": "Russian", - "strInstructions": "Place the raisins and prunes into a small bowl and pour over enough water to cover. Add lemon juice and let soak for at least 1 hour. Drain. Roughly chop the prunes.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, heat the butter in a large pan, add the onion, and cook for 5 minutes. Add cubed lamb, ground lamb, and crushed garlic cloves. Fry for 5 minutes, stirring constantly until browned.\r\n\r\nPour 2/3 cup (150 milliliters) of stock into the pan. Bring to a boil, then lower the heat, cover, and simmer for 1 hour, or until the lamb is tender.\r\n\r\nAdd the remaining stock and bring to a boil. Add rinsed long-grain white rice and a large pinch of saffron. Stir, then cover, and simmer for 15 minutes, or until the rice is tender.\r\n\r\nAdd the drained raisins, drained chopped prunes, and salt and pepper to taste. Heat through for a few minutes, then turn out onto a warmed serving dish and garnish with sprigs of flat-leaf parsley.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/kos9av1699014767.jpg", - "strTags": "rice", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rllQsUw1hFQ", - "strIngredient1": "Lamb", - "strIngredient2": "Prunes", - "strIngredient3": "Lemon Juice", - "strIngredient4": "Butter", - "strIngredient5": "Onion", - "strIngredient6": "Lamb", - "strIngredient7": "Garlic", - "strIngredient8": "Vegetable Stock", - "strIngredient9": "Rice", - "strIngredient10": "Saffron", - "strIngredient11": "Parsley", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "50g", - "strMeasure2": "120g", - "strMeasure3": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure6": "450g", - "strMeasure7": "2 cloves", - "strMeasure8": "600ml", - "strMeasure9": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure10": "Pinch", - "strMeasure11": "Garnish", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.thespruceeats.com/russian-lamb-pilaf-plov-recipe-1137309", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52777", - "strMeal": "Mediterranean Pasta Salad", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "Bring a large saucepan of salted water to the boil\r\nAdd the pasta, stir once and cook for about 10 minutes or as directed on the packet.\r\nMeanwhile, wash the tomatoes and cut into quarters. Slice the olives. Wash the basil.\r\nPut the tomatoes into a salad bowl and tear the basil leaves over them. Add a tablespoon of olive oil and mix.\r\nWhen the pasta is ready, drain into a colander and run cold water over it to cool it quickly.\r\nToss the pasta into the salad bowl with the tomatoes and basil.\r\nAdd the sliced olives, drained mozzarella balls, and chunks of tuna. Mix well and let the salad rest for at least half an hour to allow the flavours to mingle.\r\nSprinkle the pasta with a generous grind of black pepper and drizzle with the remaining olive oil just before serving.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wvqpwt1468339226.jpg", - "strTags": "Pasta,Baking", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e52IL8zYmaE", - "strIngredient1": "mozzarella balls", - "strIngredient2": "baby plum tomatoes", - "strIngredient3": "fresh basil", - "strIngredient4": "farfalle", - "strIngredient5": "extra virgin olive oil", - "strIngredient6": "Green Olives", - "strIngredient7": "tuna", - "strIngredient8": "salt", - "strIngredient9": "pepper", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "200 g", - "strMeasure2": "250 g", - "strMeasure3": "1 bunch", - "strMeasure4": "350 g", - "strMeasure5": "3 tablespoons", - "strMeasure6": "40 g", - "strMeasure7": "200 g", - "strMeasure8": "to taste", - "strMeasure9": "to taste", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": null, - "strMeasure17": null, - "strMeasure18": null, - "strMeasure19": null, - "strMeasure20": null, - "strSource": "https://thelemonsqueezy.com/recipe/mediterranean-pasta-salad/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52827", - "strMeal": "Massaman Beef curry", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Thai", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6, then roast the peanuts on a baking tray for 5 mins until golden brown. When cool enough to handle, roughly chop. Reduce oven to 180C/160C fan/gas 4.\r\nHeat 2 tbsp coconut cream in a large casserole dish with a lid. Add the curry paste and fry for 1 min, then stir in the beef and fry until well coated and sealed. Stir in the rest of the coconut with half a can of water, the potatoes, onion, lime leaves, cinnamon, tamarind, sugar, fish sauce and most of the peanuts. Bring to a simmer, then cover and cook for 2 hrs in the oven until the beef is tender.\r\nSprinkle with sliced chilli and the remaining peanuts, then serve straight from the dish with jasmine rice.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/tvttqv1504640475.jpg", - "strTags": "Curry", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVxgZSCU9_g", - "strIngredient1": "Peanuts", - "strIngredient2": "Coconut cream", - "strIngredient3": "Massaman curry paste", - "strIngredient4": "Beef", - "strIngredient5": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient6": "Onion", - "strIngredient7": "Lime", - "strIngredient8": "Cinnamon stick", - "strIngredient9": "Tamarind paste", - "strIngredient10": "Brown sugar", - "strIngredient11": "Fish Sauce", - "strIngredient12": "chilli", - "strIngredient13": "Jasmine Rice", - "strIngredient14": null, - "strIngredient15": null, - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "85g", - "strMeasure2": "400ml can", - "strMeasure3": "4 tbsp", - "strMeasure4": "600g stewing cut into strips", - "strMeasure5": "450g waxy", - "strMeasure6": "1 cut thin wedges", - "strMeasure7": "4 leaves", - "strMeasure8": "1", - "strMeasure9": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure10": "1 tbsp palm or soft light", - "strMeasure11": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure12": "1 red deseeded and finely sliced, to serve", - "strMeasure13": "to serve", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/420631/beef-massaman-curry", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52864", - "strMeal": "Mushroom & Chestnut Rotolo", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Soak the dried mushrooms in 350ml boiling water and set aside until needed. Blitz \u00be of the chestnuts with 150ml water until creamy. Roughly chop the remaining chestnuts.\r\nHeat 2 tbsp olive oil in a large non-stick frying pan. Fry the shallots with a pinch of salt until softened, then add the garlic, chopped chestnuts and rosemary, and fry for 2 mins more. Add the wild mushrooms, 2 tbsp oil and some seasoning. Cook for 3 mins until they begin to soften. Drain and roughly chop the dried mushrooms (reserve the soaking liquid), then add those too, along with the soy sauce, and fry for 2 mins more.\r\nWhisk the wine, reserved mushroom liquid and chestnut cream together to create a sauce. Season, then add half to the mushroom mixture in the pan and cook for 1 min until the sauce becomes glossy. Remove and discard the rosemary sprigs, then set the mixture aside.\r\nHeat oven to 180C/160C fan/gas 4. Bring a large pan of salted water to the boil and get a large bowl of ice water ready. Drop the lasagne sheets into the boiling water for 2 mins or until pliable and a little cooked, then immediately plunge them into the cold water. Using your fingers, carefully separate the sheets and transfer to a clean tea towel. Spread a good spoonful of the sauce on the bottom two thirds of each sheet, then, rolling away from yourself, roll up the shorter ends. Cut each roll in half, then position the rolls of pasta cut-side up in a pie dish that you are happy to serve from at the table. If you have any mushroom sauce remaining after you\u2019ve rolled up all the sheets, simply push it into some of the exposed rolls of pasta.\r\nPour the rest of the sauce over the top of the pasta, then bake for 10 mins or until the pasta no longer has any resistance when tested with a skewer.\r\nMeanwhile, put the breadcrumbs, the last 2 tbsp olive oil, sage leaves and some seasoning in a bowl, and toss everything together. Scatter the rotolo with the crumbs and sage, then bake for another 10 mins, until the top is golden and the sage leaves are crispy. Leave to cool for 10 mins to allow the pasta to absorb the sauce, then drizzle with a little truffle oil, if you like, before taking your dish to the table.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ssyqwr1511451678.jpg", - "strTags": "Vegetarian,Nutty", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNN7_ZSJ5YE", - "strIngredient1": "Mushrooms", - "strIngredient2": "Chestnuts", - "strIngredient3": "Challots", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Rosemary", - "strIngredient6": "Wild Mushrooms", - "strIngredient7": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient8": "White Wine", - "strIngredient9": "Lasagne Sheets", - "strIngredient10": "Breadcrumbs", - "strIngredient11": "Sage", - "strIngredient12": "Truffle Oil", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "30g", - "strMeasure2": "240g", - "strMeasure3": "3", - "strMeasure4": "3 cloves", - "strMeasure5": "3 sprigs", - "strMeasure6": "500g", - "strMeasure7": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure8": "125ml ", - "strMeasure9": "350g", - "strMeasure10": "4 tbsp", - "strMeasure11": "1/2 handful ", - "strMeasure12": "to serve", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/mushroom-chestnut-rotolo", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52865", - "strMeal": "Matar Paneer", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Indian", - "strInstructions": "Heat the oil in a frying pan over high heat until it\u2019s shimmering hot. Add the paneer, then turn the heat down a little. Fry until it starts to brown at the edges, then turn it over and brown on each side \u2013 the paneer will brown faster than you think, so don\u2019t walk away. Remove the paneer from the pan and drain on kitchen paper.\r\nPut the ginger, cumin, turmeric, ground coriander and chilli in the pan, and fry everything for 1 min. Add the tomatoes, mashing them with the back of a spoon and simmer everything for 5 mins until the sauce smells fragrant. Add a splash of water if it\u2019s too thick. Season well. Add the peas and simmer for a further 2 mins, then stir in the paneer and sprinkle over the garam masala. Divide between two bowls, top with coriander leaves and serve with naan bread, roti or rice.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xxpqsy1511452222.jpg", - "strTags": "Curry,Vegetarian", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlseYNqwLNs", - "strIngredient1": "Sunflower Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Paneer", - "strIngredient3": "Ginger", - "strIngredient4": "Cumin", - "strIngredient5": "Turmeric", - "strIngredient6": "Coriander", - "strIngredient7": "Green Chilli", - "strIngredient8": "Tomato", - "strIngredient9": "Peas", - "strIngredient10": "Garam Masala", - "strIngredient11": "Coriander", - "strIngredient12": "Naan Bread", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure2": "225g", - "strMeasure3": "2", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure7": "1", - "strMeasure8": "4 large", - "strMeasure9": "150g", - "strMeasure10": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure11": "Small bunch", - "strMeasure12": "to serve", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/matar-paneer", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52876", - "strMeal": "Minced Beef Pie", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Preheat the oven to 200C/400F/Gas 6.\r\nHeat the oil in a deep frying pan and fry the beef mince for 4-5 minutes, breaking it up with a wooden spoon as it browns.\r\nAdd the onion and cook for 2-3 minutes, then stir in the tomato pur\u00e9e and cook for 2-3 more minutes. Stir in the flour and cook for a further minute, then add the chopped mushrooms, the stout or beef stock and a couple of dashes of Worcestershire sauce. Bring to the boil, then reduce the heat, cover the pan with a lid and leave to simmer for 20 minutes. Set aside and leave to cool, then turn the meat mixture into a one litre pie dish.\r\nRoll out the pastry on a floured work surface until it is slightly larger than the pie dish. Gently drape the pastry over the dish, pressing firmly onto the edges. Trim, then shape the edges into a fluted shape.\r\nCut some leaf shapes out of the pastry trimmings and decorate the top of the pie, sticking them to the pastry with the beaten egg yolk.\r\nMake three or four slits in the pastry to allow the steam to escape, then brush the pie with the rest of the beaten egg yolk and bake in the oven for 20-25 minutes, or until golden-brown.\r\nTo serve, slice into wedges.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xwutvy1511555540.jpg", - "strTags": "Pie,Meat", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QY47h-uqq5g", - "strIngredient1": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Minced Beef", - "strIngredient3": "Onion", - "strIngredient4": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient5": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient6": "Mushrooms", - "strIngredient7": "Beef Stock", - "strIngredient8": "Worcestershire Sauce", - "strIngredient9": "Shortcrust Pastry", - "strIngredient10": "Egg Yolks", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure2": "500g", - "strMeasure3": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure4": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure5": "1 \u00bd tbsp", - "strMeasure6": "75g", - "strMeasure7": "250ml", - "strMeasure8": "Dash", - "strMeasure9": "400g", - "strMeasure10": "1", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/mincedbeefpie_89198", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52880", - "strMeal": "McSinghs Scotch pie", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Lamb", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Heat a large frying pan and toast the cumin seeds for a few minutes, then set aside. Heat the oil in the same pan and fry the onion, garlic, chilli, pepper and a good pinch of salt for around eight minutes, until there is no moisture left. Remove from the heat, stir in the toasted cumin seeds, ground mace (or nutmeg) and ground coriander. Leave to cool.\r\nIn a large bowl mix together the minced lamb, white pepper, fresh coriander, and the cooled spiced onion mixture until combined. Set aside, covered, in the fridge.\r\nPreheat the oven to 200C/400F/Gas 6 and generously grease a 20cm/8in diameter loose-bottomed or springform round cake tin with lard.\r\nTo make the pastry, sift the flour and salt in a large bowl and make a well in the centre.\r\nPut the milk, lard and 90ml/3fl oz of water in a saucepan and heat gently. When the lard has melted, increase the heat and bring to the boil.\r\nPour the boiling liquid into the flour, and use a wooden spoon to combine until cool enough to handle. Bring together into a ball.\r\nDust a work surface with flour and, working quickly, knead the dough briefly \u2013 it will be soft and moist. Set aside a third of the pastry and roll the rest out on a well-floured surface. Line the pie dish with the pastry, pressing it right up the sides until it pokes just over the top of the tin.\r\nAdd the filling into the pastry-lined tin bit by bit. As you reach the top, form a slight peak. Roll out the reserved pastry and top the pie with it. Pinch the edges to seal and trim the excess. Poke a hole in the top of the pie and insert a small tube made from aluminium foil to allow steam to escape.\r\nBrush the top of the pie with a little beaten egg yolk, and bake in the preheated oven for 30 minutes (put a tray on the shelf below to catch any drips). Then reduce the temperature to 160C/325F/Gas 3 and cook for a further 1\u00bc hours until golden-brown. Leave to cool completely before refrigerating for two hours, or overnight.\r\nRun a knife around the edge of the pie, remove from the tin and serve with chutneys, salads or pickles.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vssrtx1511557680.jpg", - "strTags": "Pie", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nArqhRyszw", - "strIngredient1": "Cumin", - "strIngredient2": "Rapeseed Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Red Onions", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient5": "Green Chilli", - "strIngredient6": "Red Pepper", - "strIngredient7": "Nutmeg", - "strIngredient8": "Coriander", - "strIngredient9": "Lamb Mince", - "strIngredient10": "Pepper", - "strIngredient11": "Coriander", - "strIngredient12": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient13": "Salt", - "strIngredient14": "Milk", - "strIngredient15": "Lard", - "strIngredient16": "Egg Yolks", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure2": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "2 finely chopped", - "strMeasure4": "6", - "strMeasure5": "3 finely chopped", - "strMeasure6": "1 finely chopped ", - "strMeasure7": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure8": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure9": "1kg", - "strMeasure10": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure11": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure12": "340g", - "strMeasure13": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure14": "90 ml ", - "strMeasure15": "150g", - "strMeasure16": "Beaten", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/mcsinghs_scotch_pie_98356", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52900", - "strMeal": "Madeira Cake", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Pre-heat the oven to 180C/350F/Gas 4. Grease an 18cm/7in round cake tin, line the base with greaseproof paper and grease the paper.\r\nCream the butter and sugar together in a bowl until pale and fluffy. Beat in the eggs, one at a time, beating the mixture well between each one and adding a tablespoon of the flour with the last egg to prevent the mixture curdling.\r\nSift the flour and gently fold in, with enough milk to give a mixture that falls slowly from the spoon. Fold in the lemon zest.\r\nSpoon the mixture into the prepared tin and lightly level the top. Bake on the middle shelf of the oven for 30-40 minutes, or until golden-brown on top and a skewer inserted into the centre comes out clean.\r\nRemove from the oven and set aside to cool in the tin for 10 minutes, then turn it out on to a wire rack and leave to cool completely.\r\nTo serve, decorate the cake with the candied peel.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/urtqut1511723591.jpg", - "strTags": "Cake,Light,Baking,Desert", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YDh4WEmK_E", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Eggs", - "strIngredient4": "Self-raising Flour", - "strIngredient5": "Milk", - "strIngredient6": "Lemon", - "strIngredient7": "Mixed Peel", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "175g", - "strMeasure2": "175g", - "strMeasure3": "3", - "strMeasure4": "250g", - "strMeasure5": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "Zest of 1", - "strMeasure7": "To Glaze", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/madeiracake_73878", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52927", - "strMeal": "Montreal Smoked Meat", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Canadian", - "strInstructions": "To make the cure, in a small bowl mix together salt, pink salt, black pepper, coriander, sugar, bay leaf, and cloves. Coat entire brisket with the cure and place in an extra-large resealable plastic bag. Place in the coldest part of the refrigerator and cure for 4 days, flipping brisket twice a day.\r\nRemove brisket from bag and wash as much cure off as possible under cold running water. Place brisket in a large container and fill with water and let soak for 2 hours, replacing water every 30 minutes. Remove from water and pat dry with paper towels.\r\nTo make the rub, mix together black pepper, coriander, paprika, garlic powder, onion powder, dill weed, mustard, celery seed, and crushed red papper in a small bowl. Coat entire brisket with the rub.\r\nFire up smoker or grill to 225 degrees, adding chunks of smoking wood chunks when at temperature. When wood is ignited and producing smoke, place brisket in, fat side up, and smoke until an instant read thermometer registers 165 degrees when inserted into thickest part of the brisket, about 6 hours.\r\nTransfer brisket to large roasting pan with V-rack. Place roasting pan over two burners on stovetop and fill with 1-inch of water. Bring water to a boil over high heat, reduce heat to medium, cover roasting pan with aluminum foil, and steam brisket until an instant read thermometer registers 180 degrees when inserted into thickest part of the meat, 1 to 2 hours, adding more hot water as needed.\r\nTransfer brisket to cutting board and let cool slightly. Slice and serve, preferably on rye with mustard.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/uttupv1511815050.jpg", - "strTags": "Speciality,Snack,StrongFlavor", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5oCDoyxbBk", - "strIngredient1": "Beef Brisket", - "strIngredient2": "Salt", - "strIngredient3": "Black Pepper", - "strIngredient4": "Coriander", - "strIngredient5": "Sugar", - "strIngredient6": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient7": "Cloves", - "strIngredient8": "Black Pepper", - "strIngredient9": "Coriander", - "strIngredient10": "Paprika", - "strIngredient11": "Garlic", - "strIngredient12": "Onion", - "strIngredient13": "Dill", - "strIngredient14": "English Mustard", - "strIngredient15": "Celery Salt", - "strIngredient16": "Red Pepper Flakes", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1", - "strMeasure2": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure7": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure8": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure11": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure12": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure13": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure14": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure15": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure16": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.meatwave.com/blog/montreal-smoked-meat-recipe", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52947", - "strMeal": "Ma Po Tofu", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Chinese", - "strInstructions": "Add a small pinch of salt and sesame oil to minced beef. Mix well and set aside.\r\nMix 1 tablespoon of cornstarch with 2 and \u00bd tablespoons of water in a small bowl to make water starch.\r\nCut tofu into square cubes (around 2cms). Bring a large amount of water to a boil and then add a pinch of salt. Slide the tofu in and cook for 1 minute. Move out and drain.\r\nGet a wok and heat up around 2 tablespoons of oil, fry the minced meat until crispy. Transfer out beef out and leave the oil in.\r\nFry doubanjiang for 1 minute over slow fire and then add garlic, scallion white, ginger and fermented black beans to cook for 30 seconds until aroma. Then mix pepper flakes in.\r\nAdd water to the seasonings and bring to boil over high fire. Gently slide the tofu cubes. Add light soy sauce and beef.Slow the heat after boiling and then simmer for 6-8 minutes. Then add chopped garlic greens.\r\nStir the water starch and then pour half of the mixture to the simmering pot. Wait for around 30 seconds and then pour the other half. You can slightly taste the tofu and add pinch of salt if not salty enough. By the way, if you feel it is too spicy, add some sugar can milder the taste. But be carefully as the broth is very hot at this point.\r\nTransfer out when almost all the seasonings stick to tofu cubes. Sprinkle Szechuan peppercorn powder (to taste)and chopped garlic greens if using.\r\nServe immediately with steamed rice.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1525874812.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhwPQL9dFYc", - "strIngredient1": "Tofu", - "strIngredient2": "Minced Beef", - "strIngredient3": "Sesame Seed Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Doubanjiang", - "strIngredient5": "Fermented Black Beans", - "strIngredient6": "Pepper", - "strIngredient7": "Salt", - "strIngredient8": "Sichuan pepper", - "strIngredient9": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient10": "Water", - "strIngredient11": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient12": "Scallions", - "strIngredient13": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient14": "Garlic", - "strIngredient15": "Ginger", - "strIngredient16": "Water", - "strIngredient17": "Cornstarch", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "450g", - "strMeasure2": "100g ", - "strMeasure3": "1/2 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "1 1/2 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure6": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure9": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "400ml", - "strMeasure11": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure12": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure13": "4", - "strMeasure14": "2 cloves chopped", - "strMeasure15": "4 sliced", - "strMeasure16": "2 1/2 tbs", - "strMeasure17": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.chinasichuanfood.com/mapo-tofu-recipe/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52968", - "strMeal": "Mbuzi Choma (Roasted Goat)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Goat", - "strArea": "Kenyan", - "strInstructions": "1. Steps for the Meat: \r\n Roast meat over medium heat for 50 minutes and salt it as you turn it.\r\n\r\n2. Steps for Ugali:\r\nBring the water and salt to a boil in a heavy-bottomed saucepan. Stir in the cornmeal slowly, letting it fall through the fingers of your hand.\r\n\r\n3. Reduce heat to medium-low and continue stirring regularly, smashing any lumps with a spoon, until the mush pulls away from the sides of the pot and becomes very thick, about 10 minutes.\r\n\r\n4.Remove from heat and allow to cool.\r\n\r\n5. Place the ugali into a large serving bowl. Wet your hands with water, form a ball and serve.\r\n\r\n6. Steps for Kachumbari: Mix the tomatoes, onions, chili and coriander leaves in a bowl.\r\n\r\n7. Serve and enjoy!\r\n\r\n", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/cuio7s1555492979.jpg", - "strTags": "BBQ,Meat", - "strYoutube": "", - "strIngredient1": "Goat Meat", - "strIngredient2": "Corn Flour", - "strIngredient3": "Tomatoes", - "strIngredient4": "Salt", - "strIngredient5": "Onion", - "strIngredient6": "Green Chilli", - "strIngredient7": "Coriander Leaves", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 kg", - "strMeasure2": "1 kg", - "strMeasure3": "2", - "strMeasure4": "Pinch", - "strMeasure5": "1", - "strMeasure6": "1", - "strMeasure7": "1 bunch", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52991", - "strMeal": "Mince Pies", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "To make the pastry, rub 225g cold, diced butter into 350g plain flour, then mix in 100g golden caster sugar and a pinch of salt.\r\n\r\nCombine the pastry into a ball \u2013 don\u2019t add liquid \u2013 and knead it briefly. The dough will be fairly firm, like shortbread dough. You can use the dough immediately, or chill for later.\r\n\r\nPreheat the oven to 200C/gas 6/fan 180C. Line 18 holes of two 12-hole patty tins, by pressing small walnut-sized balls of pastry into each hole.\r\n\r\nSpoon 280g mincemeat into the pies.\r\n\r\nTake slightly smaller balls of pastry than before and pat them out between your hands to make round lids, big enough to cover the pies. \r\n\r\nTop the pies with their lids, pressing the edges gently together to seal \u2013 you don\u2019t need to seal them with milk or egg as they will stick on their own. (The pies may now be frozen for up to 1 month).\r\n\r\nBeat 1 small egg and brush the tops of the pies. Bake for 20 mins until golden. Leave to cool in the tin for 5 mins, then remove to a wire rack.\r\n\r\nTo serve, lightly dust with icing sugar.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qe8pf51576795532.jpg", - "strTags": "Christmas", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnXft7lQNJE", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient3": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient4": "Mincemeat", - "strIngredient5": "Egg", - "strIngredient6": "Icing Sugar", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "225g", - "strMeasure2": "350g", - "strMeasure3": "100g ", - "strMeasure4": "280g", - "strMeasure5": "1 small", - "strMeasure6": "Topping", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2174/unbelievably-easy-mince-pies", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53006", - "strMeal": "Moussaka", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Greek", - "strInstructions": "Heat the grill to high. Brown the beef in a deep ovenproof frying pan over a high heat for 5 mins. Meanwhile, prick the aubergine with a fork, then microwave on High for 3-5 mins until soft. Mix the yogurt, egg and parmesan together, then add a little seasoning.\r\n\r\nStir the tomatoes, pur\u00e9e and potatoes in with the beef with some seasoning and heat through. Smooth the surface of the beef mixture with the back of a spoon, then slice the cooked aubergine and arrange on top. Pour the yogurt mixture over the aubergines, smooth out evenly, then grill until the topping has set and turned golden.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ctg8jd1585563097.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8U_29i9Qp5U", - "strIngredient1": "Beef", - "strIngredient2": "Aubergine", - "strIngredient3": "Greek Yogurt", - "strIngredient4": "Egg", - "strIngredient5": "Parmesan", - "strIngredient6": "Tomato", - "strIngredient7": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient8": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "500g", - "strMeasure2": "1 large", - "strMeasure3": "150g", - "strMeasure4": "1 beaten", - "strMeasure5": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "400g", - "strMeasure7": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "350g", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/must-make-moussaka", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53029", - "strMeal": "Mulukhiyah", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Egyptian", - "strInstructions": "Saute the onions in the 3-4 tablespoons olive oil\r\nAdd the beef cubes or the chicken cutlets, sear for 3-4 min on each side\r\nAdd 1 liter of water or just enough to cover the meat\r\nCook over medium heat until the meat is done (I usually do this in the pressure cooker and press them for 5 min)\r\n\r\nAdd the frozen mulukhyia and stir until it thaws completely and then comes to a boil\r\n\r\nIn another pan add the 1/4 to 1/2 cup of olive oil and the cloves of garlic and cook over medium low heat until you can smell the garlic (don\u2019t brown it, it will become bitter)\r\n\r\nAdd the oil and garlic to the mulukhyia and lower the heat and simmer for 5-10 minutes\r\nAdd salt to taste\r\n\r\nServe with a generous amount of lemon juice.\r\n\r\nYou can serve it with some short grain rice or some pita bread", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/x372ug1598733932.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWc5JzgAkIQ", - "strIngredient1": "Mulukhiyah", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Beef", - "strIngredient4": "Salt", - "strIngredient5": "Water", - "strIngredient6": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient7": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "800g", - "strMeasure2": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure3": "300g", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "1 Litre", - "strMeasure6": "1", - "strMeasure7": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://chefindisguise.com/2017/05/15/mulukhiyah-a-stew-fit-for-royals/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53038", - "strMeal": "Mustard champ", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Side", - "strArea": "Irish", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1\r\nBoil the potatoes for 15 mins or until tender. Drain, then mash.\r\n\r\nSTEP 2\r\nHeat the milk and half the butter in the corner of the pan, then beat into the mash, along with the wholegrain mustard.\r\n\r\nSTEP 3\r\nGently fry the spring onions in the remaining butter for 2 mins until just soft but still a perky green. Fold into the mash and serve. Great with gammon or to top a fish pie.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/o7p9581608589317.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iKllHSC978", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Milk", - "strIngredient3": "Butter", - "strIngredient4": "Mustard", - "strIngredient5": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient6": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1kg", - "strMeasure2": "200ml", - "strMeasure3": "50g", - "strMeasure4": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "Bunch", - "strMeasure6": "Bunch", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/mustard-champ", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53047", - "strMeal": "Moroccan Carrot Soup", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Moroccan", - "strInstructions": "Step 1\r\nPreheat oven to 180\u00b0 C.\r\nStep 2\r\nCombine carrots, onion, garlic, cumin seeds, coriander seeds, salt and olive oil in a bowl and mix well. Transfer on a baking tray.\r\nStep 3\r\nPut the baking tray in preheated oven and roast for 10-12 minutes or till carrots soften. Remove from heat and cool.\r\nStep 4\r\nGrind the baked carrot mixture along with some water to make a smooth paste and strain in a bowl.\r\nStep 5\r\nHeat the carrot mixture in a non-stick pan. Add two cups of water and bring to a boil. Add garam masala powder and mix. Add salt and mix well.\r\nStep 6\r\nRemove from heat, add lemon juice and mix well.\r\nStep 7\r\nServe hot.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/jcr46d1614763831.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tDWOpnIhok", - "strIngredient1": "Carrots", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient4": "Cumin", - "strIngredient5": "Coriander", - "strIngredient6": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient7": "Garam Masala", - "strIngredient8": "Lemon Juice", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "6 chopped", - "strMeasure2": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure3": "4", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure6": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.sanjeevkapoor.com/Recipe/Moroccan-Carrot-Soup.html", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53048", - "strMeal": "Mee goreng mamak", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Malaysian", - "strInstructions": "Heat oil in a pan at medium heat. Then, add peanuts, dried chilies, dried shrimps and dhal. Fry the aromatics until fragrant. Remove from pan and leave aside.\r\n\r\nBlend fried ingredients with tamarind paste and water until fine. Then, saut\u00e9 the blended ingredients in oil heated over low heat. Continue cooking until the oil separates from the paste and turns a darker shade.\r\n\r\nSkin and cut potatoes into small chunks and boil them in a pot of water until knife-tender. Once ready, remove them from the pot and leave aside. Discard water.\r\n\r\nSlice onion and fried tofu, mince garlic, cut some cabbage and Chinese flowering cabbage (choi sam). Prepare prawn fritters and cut them. Boil noodles to soften them if bought dried. Also mix black soy sauce with water.\r\n\r\nTo fry one portion of mee goreng mamak, heat oil and add 1/4 of the following ingredients in this order: garlic, onion, paste. Saut\u00e9 until fragrant. Optionally, add prawns.\r\n\r\nAdd in 1/4 amount of tofu, boiled potatoes, cabbage, Chinese flowering cabbage and prawn fritters. Saut\u00e9 for another 30 seconds.\r\n\r\nAdd noodles to the wok. Add 3 tablespoons of dark soy sauce mixture. Mix evenly for the next 1 minute. Then, move the noodles to the side of the wok. Stir in an egg. Garnish with a slice of lime and slices of green chilies. To cook another plate of noodles, repeat from step 5 onwards.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xquakq1619787532.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOJEmDBgtSk", - "strIngredient1": "Peanuts", - "strIngredient2": "Chilli", - "strIngredient3": "Prawns", - "strIngredient4": "Oil", - "strIngredient5": "Water", - "strIngredient6": "Tamarind Paste", - "strIngredient7": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient8": "Red Onions", - "strIngredient9": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient10": "Cabbage", - "strIngredient11": "Chinese Broccoli", - "strIngredient12": "Tofu", - "strIngredient13": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient14": "Noodles", - "strIngredient15": "Egg", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "50g", - "strMeasure2": "15g", - "strMeasure3": "10g", - "strMeasure4": "5 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "750 ml ", - "strMeasure6": "1/2 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "250g", - "strMeasure8": "2", - "strMeasure9": "4", - "strMeasure10": "30g", - "strMeasure11": "30g", - "strMeasure12": "1", - "strMeasure13": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure14": "4", - "strMeasure15": "1", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.nyonyacooking.com/recipes/mee-goreng-mamak~BkTLRjTuX", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53059", - "strMeal": "Mushroom soup with buckwheat", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Side", - "strArea": "Croatian", - "strInstructions": "Chop the onion and garlic, slice the mushrooms and wash the buckwheat. Heat the oil and lightly saut\u00e9 the onion. Add the mushrooms and the garlic and continue to saut\u00e9. Add the salt, vegetable seasoning, buckwheat and the bay leaf and cover with water. Simmer gently and just before it is completely cooked, add pepper, sour cream mixed with flour, the chopped parsley and vinegar to taste.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1ngcbf1628770793.jpg", - "strTags": "Warming, Soup", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1ok7mG9-Qc", - "strIngredient1": "Mushrooms", - "strIngredient2": "Buckwheat", - "strIngredient3": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Onion", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic", - "strIngredient6": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient7": "Vegetable Stock Cube", - "strIngredient8": "Sour Cream", - "strIngredient9": "White Wine Vinegar", - "strIngredient10": "Parsley", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "150g", - "strMeasure2": "50g", - "strMeasure3": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "40g", - "strMeasure5": "2 cloves", - "strMeasure6": "1", - "strMeasure7": "1tbsp", - "strMeasure8": "50 ml ", - "strMeasure9": "Dash", - "strMeasure10": "Top", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.visit-croatia.co.uk/croatian-cuisine/croatian-recipes/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52851", - "strMeal": "Nutty Chicken Curry", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Indian", - "strInstructions": "Finely slice a quarter of the chilli, then put the rest in a food processor with the ginger, garlic, coriander stalks and one-third of the leaves. Whizz to a rough paste with a splash of water if needed.\r\nHeat the oil in a frying pan, then quickly brown the chicken chunks for 1 min. Stir in the paste for another min, then add the peanut butter, stock and yogurt. When the sauce is gently bubbling, cook for 10 mins until the chicken is just cooked through and sauce thickened. Stir in most of the remaining coriander, then scatter the rest on top with the chilli, if using. Eat with rice or mashed sweet potato.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/yxsurp1511304301.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSQNfZxOdeU", - "strIngredient1": "Red Chilli", - "strIngredient2": "Ginger", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Coriander", - "strIngredient5": "Sunflower Oil", - "strIngredient6": "Chicken Breasts", - "strIngredient7": "Peanut Butter", - "strIngredient8": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient9": "Greek Yogurt", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 large", - "strMeasure2": "0.5", - "strMeasure3": "1 large", - "strMeasure4": "Bunch", - "strMeasure5": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure6": "4", - "strMeasure7": "5 tblsp ", - "strMeasure8": "150ml", - "strMeasure9": "200g", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/11753/nutty-chicken-curry", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52858", - "strMeal": "New York cheesecake", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Position an oven shelf in the middle of the oven. Preheat the oven to fan 160C/conventional 180C/gas 4. Line the base of a 23cm springform cake tin with parchment paper. For the crust, melt the butter in a medium pan. Stir in the biscuit crumbs and sugar so the mixture is evenly moistened. Press the mixture into the bottom of the pan and bake for 10 minutes. Cool on a wire rack while preparing the filling.\r\nFor the filling, increase the oven temperature to fan 200C/conventional 240C/gas 9. In a table top mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat the soft cheese at medium-low speed until creamy, about 2 minutes. With the mixer on low, gradually add the sugar, then the flour and a pinch of salt, scraping down the sides of the bowl and the paddle twice.\r\nSwap the paddle attachment for the whisk. Continue by adding the vanilla, lemon zest and juice. Whisk in the eggs and yolk, one at a time, scraping the bowl and whisk at least twice. Stir the 284ml carton of soured cream until smooth, then measure 200ml/7fl oz (just over 3\u20444 of the carton). Continue on low speed as you add the measured soured cream (reserve the rest). Whisk to blend, but don't over-beat. The batter should be smooth, light and somewhat airy.\r\nBrush the sides of the springform tin with melted butter and put on a baking sheet. Pour in the filling - if there are any lumps, sink them using a knife - the top should be as smooth as possible. Bake for 10 minutes. Reduce oven temperature to fan 90C/conventional 110C/gas 1\u20444 and bake for 25 minutes more. If you gently shake the tin, the filling should have a slight wobble. Turn off the oven and open the oven door for a cheesecake that's creamy in the centre, or leave it closed if you prefer a drier texture. Let cool in the oven for 2 hours. The cheesecake may get a slight crack on top as it cools.\r\nCombine the reserved soured cream with the 142ml carton, the sugar and lemon juice for the topping. Spread over the cheesecake right to the edges. Cover loosely with foil and refrigerate for at least 8 hours or overnight.\r\nRun a round-bladed knife around the sides of the tin to loosen any stuck edges. Unlock the side, slide the cheesecake off the bottom of the tin onto a plate, then slide the parchment paper out from underneath.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/swttys1511385853.jpg", - "strTags": "Desert,Dairy,Pudding,Cake,Breakfast", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tspdJ6hxqnc", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Sour Cream", - "strIngredient3": "Sugar", - "strIngredient4": "Cream Cheese", - "strIngredient5": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient6": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient7": "Lemon Juice", - "strIngredient8": "Eggs", - "strIngredient9": "Sour Cream", - "strIngredient10": "Sour Cream", - "strIngredient11": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient12": "Lemon Juice", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "85g", - "strMeasure2": "140g", - "strMeasure3": "1tbsp", - "strMeasure4": "900g", - "strMeasure5": "250g", - "strMeasure6": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "1 \u00bd teaspoons", - "strMeasure8": "3 Large", - "strMeasure9": "250ml", - "strMeasure10": "150ml", - "strMeasure11": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure12": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2869/new-york-cheesecake", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52924", - "strMeal": "Nanaimo Bars", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "Canadian", - "strInstructions": "Start by making the biscuit base. In a bowl, over a pan of simmering water, melt the butter with the sugar and cocoa powder, stirring occasionally until smooth. Whisk in the egg for 2 to 3 mins until the mixture has thickened. Remove from heat and mix in the biscuit crumbs, coconut and almonds if using, then press into the base of a lined 20cm square tin. Chill for 10 mins.\r\nFor the middle layer, make the custard icing; whisk together the butter, cream and custard powder until light and fluffy, then gradually add the icing sugar until fully incorporated. Spread over the bottom layer and chill in the fridge for at least 10 mins until the custard is no longer soft.\r\nMelt the chocolate and butter together in the microwave, then spread over the chilled bars and put back in the fridge. Leave until the chocolate has fully set (about 2 hrs). Take the mixture out of the tin and slice into squares to serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vwuprt1511813703.jpg", - "strTags": "Treat,Snack,Dairy", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMrE4I1ZtWo", - "strIngredient1": "Custard", - "strIngredient2": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Cocoa", - "strIngredient4": "Egg", - "strIngredient5": "Digestive Biscuits", - "strIngredient6": "Desiccated Coconut", - "strIngredient7": "Almonds", - "strIngredient8": "Butter", - "strIngredient9": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient10": "Custard Powder", - "strIngredient11": "Icing Sugar", - "strIngredient12": "Dark Chocolate", - "strIngredient13": "Butter", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "125g", - "strMeasure2": "50g", - "strMeasure3": "5 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "1 beaten", - "strMeasure5": "200g shredded", - "strMeasure6": "100g ", - "strMeasure7": "50g", - "strMeasure8": "100g ", - "strMeasure9": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure11": "250g", - "strMeasure12": "150g", - "strMeasure13": "50g", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/nanaimo-bars", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53051", - "strMeal": "Nasi lemak", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Malaysian", - "strInstructions": "In a medium saucepan over medium heat, stir together coconut milk, water, ground ginger, ginger root, salt, bay leaf, and rice. Cover, and bring to a boil. Reduce heat, and simmer for 20 to 30 minutes, or until done.\r\n\r\n Step 2\r\nPlace eggs in a saucepan, and cover with cold water. Bring water to a boil, and immediately remove from heat. Cover, and let eggs stand in hot water for 10 to 12 minutes. Remove eggs from hot water, cool, peel and slice in half. Slice cucumber.\r\n\r\n Step 3\r\nMeanwhile, in a large skillet or wok, heat 1 cup vegetable oil over medium-high heat. Stir in peanuts and cook briefly, until lightly browned. Remove peanuts with a slotted spoon and place on paper towels to soak up excess grease. Return skillet to stove. Stir in the contents of one package anchovies; cook briefly, turning, until crisp. Remove with a slotted spoon and place on paper towels. Discard oil. Wipe out skillet.\r\n\r\n Step 4\r\nHeat 2 tablespoons oil in the skillet. Stir in the onion, garlic, and shallots; cook until fragrant, about 1 or 2 minutes. Mix in the chile paste, and cook for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. If the chile paste is too dry, add a small amount of water. Stir in remaining anchovies; cook for 5 minutes. Stir in salt, sugar, and tamarind juice; simmer until sauce is thick, about 5 minutes.\r\n\r\n Step 5\r\nServe the onion and garlic sauce over the warm rice, and top with peanuts, fried anchovies, cucumbers, and eggs.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wai9bw1619788844.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUIs4C86Ilo", - "strIngredient1": "Coconut Milk", - "strIngredient2": "Water", - "strIngredient3": "Ginger Paste", - "strIngredient4": "Ginger", - "strIngredient5": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient6": "Rice", - "strIngredient7": "Eggs", - "strIngredient8": "Cucumber", - "strIngredient9": "Peanuts", - "strIngredient10": "Anchovy Fillet", - "strIngredient11": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient12": "Onion", - "strIngredient13": "Garlic", - "strIngredient14": "Shallots", - "strIngredient15": "Chilli Powder", - "strIngredient16": "Anchovy Fillet", - "strIngredient17": "Sugar", - "strIngredient18": "Tamarind Paste", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure2": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure3": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure4": "1", - "strMeasure5": "1", - "strMeasure6": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure7": "4", - "strMeasure8": "1", - "strMeasure9": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure10": "4 oz ", - "strMeasure11": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure12": "1", - "strMeasure13": "3 cloves", - "strMeasure14": "3", - "strMeasure15": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure16": "4 oz ", - "strMeasure17": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure18": "1/3 cup", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/78938/malaysian-nasi-lemak/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52810", - "strMeal": "Osso Buco alla Milanese", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Miscellaneous", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "Heat the oven to 300 degrees.\r\nDredging the shanks: pour the flour into a shallow dish (a pie plate works nicely). Season the veal shanks on all sides with salt and pepper. One at a time, roll the shanks around in the flour coat, and shake and pat the shank to remove any excuses flour. Discard the remaining flour.\r\nBrowning the shanks: put the oil and 1 tablespoon of the butter in a wide Dutch oven or heavy braising pot (6 to 7 quart) and heat over medium-high heat. When the butter has melted and the oil is shimmering, lower the shanks into the pot, flat side down; if the shanks won\u2019t fit without touching one another, do this in batches. Brown the shanks, turning once with tongs, until both flat sides are well caramelized, about 5 minutes per side. If the butter-oil mixture starts to burn, lower the heat just a bit. Transfer the shanks to a large platter or tray and set aside.\r\nThe aromatics: pour off and discard the fat from the pot. Wipe out any burnt bits with a damp paper towel, being careful not to remove any delicious little caramelized bits. Ad the remaining 2 tablespoons butter to the pot and melt it over medium heat. When the butter has stopped foaming, add the onion, carrot, celery, and fennel. Season with salt and pepper, stir, and cook the vegetables until they begin to soften but do not brown, about 6 minutes. Stir in the garlic, orange zest, marjoram, and bay leaf, and stew for another minute or two.\r\nThe braising liquid: add the wine, increase the heat to high, and bring to a boil. Boil, stirring occasionally, to reduce the wine by about half, 5 minutes. Add the stock and tomatoes, with their juice, and boil again to reduce the liquid to about 1 cup total, about 10 minutes.\r\nThe braise: Place the shanks in the pot so that they are sitting with the exposed bone facing up, and pour over any juices that accumulated as they sat. Cover with parchment paper, pressing down so the parchment nearly touches the veal and the edges hang over the sides of the pot by about an inch. Cover tightly with the lid, and slide into the lower part of the oven to braise at a gentle simmer. Check the pot after the first 15 minutes, and if the liquid is simmering too aggressively, lower the oven heat by 10 or 15 degrees. Continue braising, turning the shanks and spooning some pan juices over the top after the first 40 minutes, until the meat is completely tender and pulling away from the bone, about 2 hours.\r\nThe gremolata: While the shanks are braising, stir together the garlic, parsley, and lemon zest in a small bowl. Cover with plastic wrap and set aside in a cool place (or the refrigerator, if your kitchen is very warm.)\r\nThe finish: When the veal is fork-tender and falling away from the bone, remove the lid and sprinkle over half of the gremolata. Return the veal to the oven, uncovered, for another 15 minutes to caramelize it some.\r\nUsing a slotted spatula or spoon, carefully lift the shanks from the braising liquid, doing your best to keep them intact. The shanks will be very tender and threatening to fall into pieces, and the marrow will be wobbly inside the bones, so this can be a bit tricky. But if they do break apart, don\u2019t worry, the flavor won\u2019t suffer at all. Arrange the shanks on a serving platter or other large plate, without stacking, and cover with foil to keep warm.\r\nFinishing the sauce: Set the braising pot on top of the stove and evaluate the sauce: if there is a visible layer of fat floating on the surface, use a large spoon to skim it off and discard it. Taste the sauce for concentration of flavor. If it tastes a bit weak or flat, bring it to a boil over high heat, and boil to reduce the volume and intensify the flavor for 5 to 10 minutes. Taste again for salt and pepper. If the sauce wants more zip, stir in a teaspoon or two of the remaining gremolata.\r\nPortioning the veal shanks: if the shanks are reasonably sized, serve one per person. If the shanks are gargantuan or you\u2019re dealing with modest appetites, pull apart the larger shanks, separating them at their natural seams, and serve smaller amounts. Be sure to give the marrow bones to whomever prizes them most.\r\nServing: Arrange the veal shanks on warm dinner plates accompanied by the risotto, if serving. Just before carrying the plates to the table, sprinkle on the remaining gremolata and then spoon over a generous amount of sauce \u2013 the contact with the hot liquid will aromatize the gremolata and perk up everyone\u2019s appetite with the whiff of garlic and lemon.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wwuqvt1487345467.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GUTC2Qwrf0", - "strIngredient1": "Veal", - "strIngredient2": "Flour", - "strIngredient3": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Butter", - "strIngredient5": "Onion", - "strIngredient6": "Carrot", - "strIngredient7": "Celery", - "strIngredient8": "Fennel", - "strIngredient9": "Garlic", - "strIngredient10": "Orange Zest", - "strIngredient11": "Marjoram", - "strIngredient12": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient13": "Dry White Wine", - "strIngredient14": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient15": "Tomatoes", - "strIngredient16": "Parsley", - "strIngredient17": "Garlic", - "strIngredient18": "Lemon Zest", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4 meaty shanks", - "strMeasure2": "\u00bd cup", - "strMeasure3": "2 tablespoons ", - "strMeasure4": "3 tablespoons", - "strMeasure5": "1 medium chopped into \u00bd-inch pieces", - "strMeasure6": "1 chopped into \u00bd-inch pieces", - "strMeasure7": "1 chopped into \u00bd-inch pieces", - "strMeasure8": "1 bulb chopped into \u00bd-inch pieces", - "strMeasure9": "3 cloves", - "strMeasure10": "2 strips", - "strMeasure11": "1 \u00bd teaspoons", - "strMeasure12": "1", - "strMeasure13": "1 cup", - "strMeasure14": "\u00bd cup ", - "strMeasure15": "1 cup chopped with juice", - "strMeasure16": "2 tablespoons chopped", - "strMeasure17": "1 teaspoon minced", - "strMeasure18": "1 teaspoon grated ", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.cookstr.com/Meat/Osso-Buco-alla-Milanese", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52943", - "strMeal": "Oxtail with broad beans", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Jamaican", - "strInstructions": "Toss the oxtail with the onion, spring onion, garlic, ginger, chilli, soy sauce, thyme, salt and pepper. Heat the vegetable oil in a large frying pan over medium-high heat. Brown the oxtail in the pan until browned all over, about 10 minutes. Place into a pressure cooker, and pour in 375ml water. Cook at pressure for 25 minutes, then remove from heat, and remove the lid according to manufacturer's directions.\r\nAdd the broad beans and pimento berries, and bring to a simmer over medium-high heat. Dissolve the cornflour in 2 tablespoons water, and stir into the simmering oxtail. Cook and stir a few minutes until the sauce has thickened, and the broad beans are tender.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1520083578.jpg", - "strTags": "Heavy,MainMeal,Speciality", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIhxk-98Hz8", - "strIngredient1": "Oxtail", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Ginger", - "strIngredient6": "Scotch Bonnet", - "strIngredient7": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient8": "Fresh Thyme", - "strIngredient9": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient10": "Water", - "strIngredient11": "Broad Beans", - "strIngredient12": "Corn Flour", - "strIngredient13": "Water", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "450g", - "strMeasure2": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "2 cloves minced", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure7": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure9": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "350ml", - "strMeasure11": "200g", - "strMeasure12": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure13": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/5392/jamaican-oxtail-with-broad-beans.aspx", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52774", - "strMeal": "Pad See Ew", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Thai", - "strInstructions": "Mix Sauce in small bowl.\r\nMince garlic into wok with oil. Place over high heat, when hot, add chicken and Chinese broccoli stems, cook until chicken is light golden.\r\nPush to the side of the wok, crack egg in and scramble. Don't worry if it sticks to the bottom of the wok - it will char and which adds authentic flavour.\r\nAdd noodles, Chinese broccoli leaves and sauce. Gently mix together until the noodles are stained dark and leaves are wilted. Serve immediately!", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/uuuspp1468263334.jpg", - "strTags": "Pasta", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ohy1DELF4is", - "strIngredient1": "rice stick noodles", - "strIngredient2": "dark soy sauce", - "strIngredient3": "oyster sauce", - "strIngredient4": "soy sauce", - "strIngredient5": "white vinegar", - "strIngredient6": "sugar", - "strIngredient7": "water", - "strIngredient8": "peanut oil", - "strIngredient9": "garlic", - "strIngredient10": "Chicken", - "strIngredient11": "Egg", - "strIngredient12": "Chinese broccoli", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "6oz/180g", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure3": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure4": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure5": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure6": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure7": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure8": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure9": "2 cloves", - "strMeasure10": "1 cup", - "strMeasure11": "1", - "strMeasure12": "4 cups", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": null, - "strMeasure17": null, - "strMeasure18": null, - "strMeasure19": null, - "strMeasure20": null, - "strSource": null, - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52780", - "strMeal": "Potato Gratin with Chicken", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Unknown", - "strInstructions": "15 minute potato gratin with chicken and bacon greens: a gratin always seems more effort and more indulgent than ordinary boiled or roasts, but it doesn't have to take 45mins, it's nice for a change and you can control the calorie content by going with full fat to low fat creme fraiche. (It's always tastes better full fat though obviously!) to serve 4: use 800g of potatoes, finely slice and boil in a pan for about 5-8 mins till firmish, not soft. Finely slice 3 onions and place in an oven dish with 2 tblsp of olive oil and 100ml of chicken stock. Cook till the onions are soft then drain the potatoes and pour onto the onions. Season and spoon over cream or creme fraiche till all is covered but not swimming. Grate Parmesan over the top then finish under the grill till nicely golden. serve with chicken and bacon, peas and spinach.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qwrtut1468418027.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3u8eiy3yHI", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Onions", - "strIngredient3": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient5": "Creme Fraiche", - "strIngredient6": "Parmesan", - "strIngredient7": "Chicken Breasts", - "strIngredient8": "Bacon", - "strIngredient9": "Spinach", - "strIngredient10": "Peas", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "800g", - "strMeasure2": "3", - "strMeasure3": "2 tblsp", - "strMeasure4": "100ml", - "strMeasure5": "1 pot", - "strMeasure6": "Topping", - "strMeasure7": "4", - "strMeasure8": "4", - "strMeasure9": "Topping", - "strMeasure10": "Topping", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": null, - "strMeasure17": null, - "strMeasure18": null, - "strMeasure19": null, - "strMeasure20": null, - "strSource": "https://www.instagram.com/p/BHxR7hYBJ6P", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52804", - "strMeal": "Poutine", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Miscellaneous", - "strArea": "Canadian", - "strInstructions": "Heat oil in a deep fryer or deep heavy skillet to 365\u00b0F (185\u00b0C).\r\nWarm gravy in saucepan or microwave.\r\nPlace the fries into the hot oil, and cook until light brown, about 5 minutes.\r\nRemove to a paper towel lined plate to drain.\r\nPlace the fries on a serving platter, and sprinkle the cheese over them.\r\nLadle gravy over the fries and cheese, and serve immediately.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/uuyrrx1487327597.jpg", - "strTags": "UnHealthy,Speciality,HangoverFood", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVAMAoA2_WU", - "strIngredient1": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Beef Gravy", - "strIngredient3": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient4": "Cheese Curds", - "strIngredient5": "", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "Dash", - "strMeasure2": "1 Can", - "strMeasure3": "5 thin cut", - "strMeasure4": "2 cups", - "strMeasure5": "", - "strMeasure6": "", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.food.com/recipe/real-canadian-poutine-113388", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52837", - "strMeal": "Pilchard puttanesca", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pasta", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "Cook the pasta following pack instructions. Heat the oil in a non-stick frying pan and cook the onion, garlic and chilli for 3-4 mins to soften. Stir in the tomato pur\u00e9e and cook for 1 min, then add the pilchards with their sauce. Cook, breaking up the fish with a wooden spoon, then add the olives and continue to cook for a few more mins.\r\n\r\nDrain the pasta and add to the pan with 2-3 tbsp of the cooking water. Toss everything together well, then divide between plates and serve, scattered with Parmesan.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vvtvtr1511180578.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqZzLAPmr9k", - "strIngredient1": "Spaghetti", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Onion", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Red Chilli", - "strIngredient6": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient7": "Pilchards", - "strIngredient8": "Black Olives", - "strIngredient9": "Parmesan", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "300g", - "strMeasure2": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure3": "1 finely chopped ", - "strMeasure4": "2 cloves minced", - "strMeasure5": "1", - "strMeasure6": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure7": "425g", - "strMeasure8": "70g", - "strMeasure9": "Shaved", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/pilchard-puttanesca", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52847", - "strMeal": "Pork Cassoulet", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 140C/120C fan/gas 1. Put a large ovenproof pan (with a tight-fitting lid) on a high heat. Add your fat and diced meat, cook for a few mins to seal the edges, giving it a quick stir to cook evenly. Reduce the heat to low, add the sliced onion, whole garlic cloves, carrot and fennel seeds, and cook gently to soften the veg for a few mins.\r\nPour over the red wine vinegar, scraping any meaty bits off the bottom of the pan. Add the stock, tomato pur\u00e9e, and half the rosemary and parsley. Bring to the boil and simmer for 10 mins, then season, cover with a lid and put into the oven for 2 hrs, removing the lid for the final hour of cooking. Stir occasionally and add the beans with 30 mins to go.\r\nRemove the pan from the oven and heat the grill. Scatter the top with the remaining herbs and breadcrumbs, drizzle a little oil over the top, and return to the oven for 5-10 mins, until the breadcrumbs are golden. Serve with crusty bread and green veg.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wxuvuv1511299147.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEdHMTD0VCA", - "strIngredient1": "Goose Fat", - "strIngredient2": "Pork", - "strIngredient3": "Onion", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Carrots", - "strIngredient6": "Fennel Seeds", - "strIngredient7": "Red Wine Vinegar", - "strIngredient8": "Vegetable Stock", - "strIngredient9": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient10": "Rosemary", - "strIngredient11": "Parsley", - "strIngredient12": "Haricot Beans", - "strIngredient13": "Breadcrumbs", - "strIngredient14": "Oil", - "strIngredient15": "Bread", - "strIngredient16": "Broccoli", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4 tbsp", - "strMeasure2": "350g", - "strMeasure3": "1 large", - "strMeasure4": "10", - "strMeasure5": "1 thinly sliced", - "strMeasure6": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure7": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure8": "600ml", - "strMeasure9": "1 tblsp ", - "strMeasure10": "2 sticks", - "strMeasure11": "Handful", - "strMeasure12": "400g", - "strMeasure13": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure14": "drizzle", - "strMeasure15": "to serve", - "strMeasure16": "to serve", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/jacks-pork-cassoulet", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52854", - "strMeal": "Pancakes", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Put the flour, eggs, milk, 1 tbsp oil and a pinch of salt into a bowl or large jug, then whisk to a smooth batter. Set aside for 30 mins to rest if you have time, or start cooking straight away.\r\nSet a medium frying pan or cr\u00eape pan over a medium heat and carefully wipe it with some oiled kitchen paper. When hot, cook your pancakes for 1 min on each side until golden, keeping them warm in a low oven as you go.\r\nServe with lemon wedges and sugar, or your favourite filling. Once cold, you can layer the pancakes between baking parchment, then wrap in cling film and freeze for up to 2 months.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/rwuyqx1511383174.jpg", - "strTags": "Breakfast,Desert,Sweet,Fruity", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWuuCndtJr0", - "strIngredient1": "Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Eggs", - "strIngredient3": "Milk", - "strIngredient4": "Sunflower Oil", - "strIngredient5": "Sugar", - "strIngredient6": "Raspberries", - "strIngredient7": "Blueberries", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "100g ", - "strMeasure2": "2 large", - "strMeasure3": "300ml ", - "strMeasure4": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure5": "to serve", - "strMeasure6": "to serve", - "strMeasure7": "to serve", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2907669/easy-pancakes", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52857", - "strMeal": "Pumpkin Pie", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Place the pumpkin in a large saucepan, cover with water and bring to the boil. Cover with a lid and simmer for 15 mins or until tender. Drain pumpkin; let cool.\r\nHeat oven to 180C/160C fan/gas 4. Roll out the pastry on a lightly floured surface and use it to line a 22cm loose-bottomed tart tin. Chill for 15 mins. Line the pastry with baking parchment and baking beans, then bake for 15 mins. Remove the beans and paper, and cook for a further 10 mins until the base is pale golden and biscuity. Remove from the oven and allow to cool slightly.\r\nIncrease oven to 220C/200C fan/gas 7. Push the cooled pumpkin through a sieve into a large bowl. In a separate bowl, combine the sugar, salt, nutmeg and half the cinnamon. Mix in the beaten eggs, melted butter and milk, then add to the pumpkin pur\u00e9e and stir to combine. Pour into the tart shell and cook for 10 mins, then reduce the temperature to 180C/160C fan/gas 4. Continue to bake for 35-40 mins until the filling has just set.\r\nLeave to cool, then remove the pie from the tin. Mix the remaining cinnamon with the icing sugar and dust over the pie. Serve chilled.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/usuqtp1511385394.jpg", - "strTags": "Halloween,Pie,Desert", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpapqEeb36k", - "strIngredient1": "Pumpkin", - "strIngredient2": "Shortcrust Pastry", - "strIngredient3": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient4": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient5": "Salt", - "strIngredient6": "Nutmeg", - "strIngredient7": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient8": "Eggs", - "strIngredient9": "Butter", - "strIngredient10": "Milk", - "strIngredient11": "Icing Sugar", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "750g", - "strMeasure2": "350g", - "strMeasure3": "Dusting", - "strMeasure4": "140g", - "strMeasure5": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure6": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure7": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure8": "2 Beaten ", - "strMeasure9": "25g", - "strMeasure10": "175g", - "strMeasure11": "1 tblsp ", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1742633/pumpkin-pie", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52861", - "strMeal": "Peanut Butter Cheesecake", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Oil and line a 20cm round loose- bottomed cake tin with cling film, making it as smooth as possible. Melt the butter in a pan. Crush the biscuits by bashing them in a bag with a rolling pin, then stir them into the butter until very well coated. Press the mixture firmly into the base of the tin and chill.\r\nSoak the gelatine in water while you make the filling. Tip the ricotta into a bowl, then beat in the peanut butter and syrup. Ricotta has a slightly grainy texture so blitz until smooth with a stick blender for a smoother texture if you prefer.\r\nTake the soaked gelatine from the water and squeeze dry. Put it into a pan with the milk and heat very gently until the gelatine dissolves. Beat into the peanut mixture, then tip onto the biscuit base. Chill until set.\r\nTo freeze, leave in the tin and as soon as it is solid, cover the surface with cling film, then wrap the tin with cling film and foil.\r\nTo defrost, thaw in the fridge overnight.\r\nTo serve, carefully remove from the tin. Whisk the cream with the sugar until it holds its shape, then spread on top of the cheesecake and scatter with the peanut brittle.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qtuuys1511387068.jpg", - "strTags": "Cake,Desert,Treat,UnHealthy,Speciality", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSTsturcyL0", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Peanut Cookies", - "strIngredient3": "Gelatine Leafs", - "strIngredient4": "Ricotta", - "strIngredient5": "Peanut Butter", - "strIngredient6": "Golden Syrup", - "strIngredient7": "Milk", - "strIngredient8": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient9": "Light Brown Soft Sugar", - "strIngredient10": "Peanut Brittle", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "50g", - "strMeasure2": "175g", - "strMeasure3": "5", - "strMeasure4": "500g", - "strMeasure5": "175g", - "strMeasure6": "175g", - "strMeasure7": "150ml", - "strMeasure8": "275ml", - "strMeasure9": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure10": "Crushed", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1759649/peanut-butter-cheesecake", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52862", - "strMeal": "Peach & Blueberry Grunt", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 190C/170C fan/gas 5. Butter a wide shallow ovenproof dish. Blend the cornflour with the orange zest and juice, and put in a large pan with the sugar. Halve, stone and slice the peaches and add to the pan. Bring slowly to the boil, stirring gently until the sauce is shiny and thickened, about 3-4 mins. Remove from the heat, stir in the blueberries and tip into the prepared dish.\r\nTip the flour into a mixing bowl and add the 50g butter. Rub the butter into the flour until it resembles fine breadcrumbs, then stir in half the sugar. Mix the remaining sugar with the cinnamon and set aside.\r\nAdd the milk to the dry ingredients and mix to a soft dough. Turn out onto a lightly floured surface and knead briefly. Roll out to an oblong roughly 16 x 24cm. Brush with melted butter and sprinkle evenly with the spicy sugar. Roll up from one long side and cut into 12 slices. Arrange around the top of the dish, leaving the centre uncovered.\r\nBake for 20-25 mins, until the topping is crisp and golden. Serve warm.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ssxvup1511387476.jpg", - "strTags": "Desert,Pudding,Fruity", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNeO28BCpsc", - "strIngredient1": "Corn Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Orange", - "strIngredient3": "Orange", - "strIngredient4": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient5": "Peaches", - "strIngredient6": "Blueberries", - "strIngredient7": "Self-raising Flour", - "strIngredient8": "Butter", - "strIngredient9": "Muscovado Sugar", - "strIngredient10": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient11": "Milk", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure2": "Juice of 2", - "strMeasure3": "Zest of 1", - "strMeasure4": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "6", - "strMeasure6": "250g", - "strMeasure7": "200g", - "strMeasure8": "50g", - "strMeasure9": "100g ", - "strMeasure10": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure11": "6 tblsp", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1553651/peach-and-blueberry-grunt", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52902", - "strMeal": "Parkin Cake", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 160C/140C fan/gas 3. Grease a deep 22cm/9in square cake tin and line with baking parchment. Beat the egg and milk together with a fork.\r\n\r\nGently melt the syrup, treacle, sugar and butter together in a large pan until the sugar has dissolved. Remove from the heat. Mix together the oatmeal, flour and ginger and stir into the syrup mixture, followed by the egg and milk.\r\n\r\nPour the mixture into the tin and bake for 50 mins - 1 hr until the cake feels firm and a little crusty on top. Cool in the tin then wrap in more parchment and foil and keep for 3-5 days before eating if you can \u2013 it\u2019ll become softer and stickier the longer you leave it, up to 2 weeks.\r\n", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qxuqtt1511724269.jpg", - "strTags": "Caramel", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1lG4vk2MQA", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Egg", - "strIngredient3": "Milk", - "strIngredient4": "Golden Syrup", - "strIngredient5": "Black Treacle", - "strIngredient6": "Brown Sugar", - "strIngredient7": "Oatmeal", - "strIngredient8": "Self-raising Flour", - "strIngredient9": "Ground Ginger", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "200g", - "strMeasure2": "1 large", - "strMeasure3": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "200g", - "strMeasure5": "85g", - "strMeasure6": "85g", - "strMeasure7": "100g ", - "strMeasure8": "250g", - "strMeasure9": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1940684/parkin", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52916", - "strMeal": "Pear Tarte Tatin", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Core the pears, then peel as neatly as possible and halve. If you like, they can be prepared up to a day ahead and kept in the fridge, uncovered, so that they dry out.\r\nTip the sugar, butter, star anise, cardamom and cinnamon into an ovenproof frying pan, about 20cm wide, and place over a high heat until bubbling. Shake the pan and stir the buttery sauce until it separates and the sugar caramelises to a toffee colour.\r\nLay the pears in the pan, then cook in the sauce for 10-12 mins, tossing occasionally, until completely caramelised. Don\u2019t worry about them burning \u2013 they won\u2019t \u2013 but you want to caramelise them as much as possible. Splash in the brandy and let it flamb\u00e9, then set the pears aside.\r\nHeat oven to 200C/fan 180C/gas 6. Roll the pastry out to the thickness of a \u00a31 coin. Using a plate slightly larger than the top of the pan, cut out a circle, then press the edges of the circle of pastry to thin them out.\r\nWhen the pears have cooled slightly, arrange them in the pan, cut side up, in a floral shape, with the pears around the edge pointing inwards. Rest the cinnamon stick on the top in the centre, with the cardamom pods scattered around.\r\nDrape the pastry over the pears, then tuck the edges down the pan sides and under the fruit (see Gordon\u2019s guide). Pierce the pastry a few times, then bake for 15 mins. If a lot of juice bubbles up the side of the pan, pour it off at this stage (see guide). Reduce oven to 180C/fan 160C/gas 4 and bake for 15 mins more until the pastry is golden. Leave the tart to stand for 10 mins, then invert it carefully onto a serving dish.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/rxvxrr1511797671.jpg", - "strTags": "Tart,Glazed,Baking", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8U1tKWKDeWA", - "strIngredient1": "Pears", - "strIngredient2": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Butter", - "strIngredient4": "Star Anise", - "strIngredient5": "Cardamom", - "strIngredient6": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient7": "Brandy", - "strIngredient8": "Puff Pastry", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "8", - "strMeasure2": "100g ", - "strMeasure3": "100g ", - "strMeasure4": "2", - "strMeasure5": "3 Pods", - "strMeasure6": "1 large", - "strMeasure7": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "500g", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/4778/pear-tarte-tatin", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52921", - "strMeal": "Proven\u00e7al Omelette Cake", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Break the eggs into two bowls, five in each. Whisk lightly and season with salt and pepper. Heat the oil in a pan, add the courgettes and spring onions, then fry gently for about 10 mins until softened. Cool, then stir into one bowl of eggs with a little salt and pepper. Add the roasted peppers to the other bowl of eggs with the garlic, chilli, salt and pepper.\r\nHeat a little oil in a 20-23cm frying pan, preferably non-stick. Pour the eggs with courgette into a measuring jug, then pourabout one-third of the mixture into the pan, swirling it to cover the base of the pan. Cook until the egg is set and lightly browned underneath, then cover the pan with a plate and invert the omelette onto it. Slide it back into the pan to cook the other side. Repeat with the remaining mix to make two more omelettes, adding a little oil to the pan each time. Stack the omelettes onto a plate. Make three omelettes in the same way with the red pepper mixture, then stack them on a separate plate.\r\nNow make the filling. Beat the cheese to soften it, then beat in the milk to make a spreadable consistency. Stir in the herbs, salt and pepper. Line a deep, 20-23cm round cake tin with cling film (use a tin the same size as the frying pan). Select the best red pepper omelette and place in the tin, prettiest side down. Spread with a thin layer of cheese filling, then cover with a courgette omelette. Repeat, alternating the layers, until all the omelettes and filling are in the tin, finishing with an omelette. Flip the cling film over the omelette, then chill for up to 24 hrs.\r\nTo serve, invert the omelette cake onto a serving plate and peel off the cling film. Pile rocket on the top and scatter over the cheese, a drizzle of olive oil and a little freshly ground black pepper. Serve cut into wedges.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qwtrtp1511799242.jpg", - "strTags": "Egg", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7isFo2uP2k", - "strIngredient1": "Eggs", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Courgettes", - "strIngredient4": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient5": "Red Pepper", - "strIngredient6": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient7": "Red Chilli", - "strIngredient8": "Cream Cheese", - "strIngredient9": "Milk", - "strIngredient10": "Chives", - "strIngredient11": "Basil", - "strIngredient12": "Rocket", - "strIngredient13": "Parmesan", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "10", - "strMeasure2": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "2 finely chopped", - "strMeasure4": "3 finely chopped", - "strMeasure5": "4", - "strMeasure6": "1 clove peeled crushed", - "strMeasure7": "1", - "strMeasure8": "300g", - "strMeasure9": "6 tblsp", - "strMeasure10": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure11": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure12": "to serve", - "strMeasure13": "to serve", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/6428/provenal-omelette-cake", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52922", - "strMeal": "Prawn & Fennel Bisque", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Side", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Shell the prawns, then fry the shells in the oil in a large pan for about 5 mins. Add the onion, fennel and carrots and cook for about 10 mins until the veg start to soften. Pour in the wine and brandy, bubble hard for about 1 min to drive off the alcohol, then add the tomatoes, stock and paprika. Cover and simmer for 30 mins. Meanwhile, chop the prawns.\r\nBlitz the soup as finely as you can with a stick blender or food processor, then press through a sieve into a bowl. Spend a bit of time really working the mixture through the sieve as this will give the soup its velvety texture.\r\nTip back into a clean pan, add the prawns and cook for 10 mins, then blitz again until smooth. You can make and chill this a day ahead or freeze it for 1 month. Thaw ovenight in the fridge. To serve, gently reheat in a pan with the cream. If garnishing, cook the 8 prawns in a little butter. Spoon into small bowls and top with the prawns and snipped fennel fronds.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/rtwwvv1511799504.jpg", - "strTags": "Soup,Warm,Seafood,Shellfish", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4thpMbDakgM", - "strIngredient1": "Tiger Prawns", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Onion", - "strIngredient4": "Fennel", - "strIngredient5": "Carrots", - "strIngredient6": "Dry White Wine", - "strIngredient7": "Brandy", - "strIngredient8": "Chopped Tomatoes", - "strIngredient9": "Fish Stock", - "strIngredient10": "Paprika", - "strIngredient11": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient12": "Prawns", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "450g", - "strMeasure2": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "1 large", - "strMeasure4": "1 large", - "strMeasure5": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure6": "150ml", - "strMeasure7": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "400g", - "strMeasure9": "1L", - "strMeasure10": "2 pinches", - "strMeasure11": "150ml", - "strMeasure12": "8", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/71600/prawn-and-fennel-bisque", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52930", - "strMeal": "Pate Chinois", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Canadian", - "strInstructions": "In a large pot of salted water, cook the potatoes until they are very tender. Drain.\r\nWith a masher, coarsely crush the potatoes with at least 30 ml (2 tablespoons) of butter. With an electric mixer, pur\u00e9e with the milk. Season with salt and pepper. Set aside.\r\nWith the rack in the middle position, preheat the oven to 190 \u00b0C (375 \u00b0F).\r\nIn a large skillet, brown the onion in the remaining butter. Add the meat and cook until golden brown. Season with salt and pepper. Remove from the heat.\r\nLightly press the meat at the bottom of a 20-cm (8-inch) square baking dish. Cover with the corn and the mashed potatoes. Sprinkle with paprika and parsley.\r\nBake for about 30 minutes. Finish cooking under the broiler. Let cool for 10 minutes.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/yyrrxr1511816289.jpg", - "strTags": "MainMeal,Alcoholic", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRFqnLkEv3I", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Milk", - "strIngredient4": "Minced Beef", - "strIngredient5": "Onion", - "strIngredient6": "Creamed Corn", - "strIngredient7": "Paprika", - "strIngredient8": "Parsley", - "strIngredient9": "Salt", - "strIngredient10": "Pepper", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4 cups ", - "strMeasure2": "60ml", - "strMeasure3": "\u00bd cup ", - "strMeasure4": "450g", - "strMeasure5": "1 finely chopped ", - "strMeasure6": "500ml", - "strMeasure7": "to taste", - "strMeasure8": "to taste", - "strMeasure9": "Dash", - "strMeasure10": "Dash", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.ricardocuisine.com/en/recipes/5541-pate-chinois-shepherd--s-pie-", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52932", - "strMeal": "Pouding chomeur", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "Canadian", - "strInstructions": "In a large bowl, with an electric mixer, mix the butter and sugar till the mix is light.\r\nAdd eggs and vanilla and mix.\r\nIn another bowl, mix flour and baking powder.\r\nAlternate flour mix and milk to the butter mix.\r\nPour into a 13 inch by 9 inch greased pan.\r\nMAPLE SAUCE.\r\nIn a large casserole, bring to boil the syrup, brown sugar, cream and butter and constantly stir.\r\nReduce heat and and gently cook 2 minutes or till sauce has reduced a little bit.\r\nPour sauce gently over cake.\r\nBake at 325\u00b0f (160\u00b0c) about 35 minutes or till cake is light brown and when toothpick inserted comes out clean.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/yqqqwu1511816912.jpg", - "strTags": "Pudding", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFvj71RZYPc", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Eggs", - "strIngredient4": "Vanilla Extract", - "strIngredient5": "Flour", - "strIngredient6": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient7": "Milk", - "strIngredient8": "Maple Syrup", - "strIngredient9": "Brown Sugar", - "strIngredient10": "Single Cream", - "strIngredient11": "Butter", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "\u00bd cup ", - "strMeasure2": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure3": "2", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure6": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure7": "1 1/4 cup", - "strMeasure8": "1 1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure9": "1 1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure10": "1 1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure11": "1/3 cup", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.geniuskitchen.com/recipe/pouding-chomeur-poor-mans-pudding-with-maple-syrup-sauce-218797", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52958", - "strMeal": "Peanut Butter Cookies", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Preheat oven to 350\u00baF (180\u00baC).\r\nIn a large bowl, mix together the peanut butter, sugar, and egg.\r\nScoop out a spoonful of dough and roll it into a ball. Place the cookie balls onto a nonstick baking sheet.\r\nFor extra decoration and to make them cook more evenly, flatten the cookie balls by pressing a fork down on top of them, then press it down again at a 90\u00ba angle to make a criss-cross pattern.\r\nBake for 8-10 minutes or until the bottom of the cookies are golden brown.\r\nRemove from baking sheet and cool.\r\nEnjoy!", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1544384070.jpg", - "strTags": "Breakfast,UnHealthy,BBQ", - "strYoutube": "", - "strIngredient1": "Peanut Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Egg", - "strIngredient4": "", - "strIngredient5": "", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure2": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "", - "strMeasure5": "", - "strMeasure6": "", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://tasty.co/recipe/3-ingredient-peanut-butter-cookies", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53014", - "strMeal": "Pizza Express Margherita", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Miscellaneous", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "1 Preheat the oven to 230\u00b0C.\r\n\r\n2 Add the sugar and crumble the fresh yeast into warm water.\r\n\r\n3 Allow the mixture to stand for 10 \u2013 15 minutes in a warm place (we find a windowsill on a sunny day works best) until froth develops on the surface.\r\n\r\n4 Sift the flour and salt into a large mixing bowl, make a well in the middle and pour in the yeast mixture and olive oil.\r\n\r\n5 Lightly flour your hands, and slowly mix the ingredients together until they bind.\r\n\r\n6 Generously dust your surface with flour.\r\n\r\n7 Throw down the dough and begin kneading for 10 minutes until smooth, silky and soft.\r\n\r\n8 Place in a lightly oiled, non-stick baking tray (we use a round one, but any shape will do!)\r\n\r\n9 Spread the passata on top making sure you go to the edge.\r\n\r\n10 Evenly place the mozzarella (or other cheese) on top, season with the oregano and black pepper, then drizzle with a little olive oil.\r\n\r\n11 Cook in the oven for 10 \u2013 12 minutes until the cheese slightly colours.\r\n\r\n12 When ready, place the basil leaf on top and tuck in!", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/x0lk931587671540.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mt5lgUZRoUg", - "strIngredient1": "Water", - "strIngredient2": "Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Yeast", - "strIngredient4": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient5": "Salt", - "strIngredient6": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient7": "Passata", - "strIngredient8": "Mozzarella", - "strIngredient9": "Oregano", - "strIngredient10": "Basil", - "strIngredient11": "Black Pepper", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "150ml", - "strMeasure2": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure3": "15g", - "strMeasure4": "225g", - "strMeasure5": "1 1/2 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "Drizzle", - "strMeasure7": "80g", - "strMeasure8": "70g", - "strMeasure9": "Peeled and Sliced", - "strMeasure10": "Leaves", - "strMeasure11": "Pinch", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/food/article-8240361/Pizza-Express-release-secret-recipe-Margherita-Pizza-make-home.html", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53017", - "strMeal": "Paszteciki (Polish Pasties)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Polish", - "strInstructions": "Sift flour and salt into a large mixing bowl.\r\nUse a spoon to push the egg yolk through a fine sieve into the flour.\r\nAdd the raw egg and mix well.\r\nBeat in butter 1 tablespoon at a time.\r\nPlace dough on a floured surface and knead until smooth and elastic, then wrap in waxed paper and refrigerate until firm (at least 30 minutes).\r\nIn a heavy skillet, melt 2 tablespoons butter over medium heat; saute the onion and rutabaga until the onion is soft and transparent (5 minutes).\r\nPut the onions, rutabaga, and beef through a meat grinder twice if you have one, if not just chop them up as fine as possible.\r\nMelt the remaining 4 tablespoons butter over medium heat, and add the meat mixture.\r\nCook over low heat, stirring occasionally, until all of the liquid has evaporated and the mixture is thick enough to hold its shape.\r\nRemove from heat and let cool, then stir in 1 egg, and season with salt and pepper.\r\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F.\r\nOn a lightly floured surface, roll the dough out into a 13x8\" rectangle (1/8\" thick).\r\nSpoon the filling down the center of the rectangle lengthwise, leaving about an inch of space on each end.\r\nLightly brush the long sides with cold water, then fold one of the long sides over the filling and the other side over the top of that.\r\nBrush the short ends with cold water and fold them over the top, enclosing the filling.\r\nPlace pastry seam side down on a baking sheet and brush the top evenly with the remaining scrambled egg.\r\nBake in preheated oven until rich golden brown (30 minutes).\r\nSlice pastry diagonally into 1.5\" long pieces and serve as an appetizer or with soup.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/c9a3l31593261890.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qANmR6BBJpQ", - "strIngredient1": "Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Salt", - "strIngredient3": "Egg", - "strIngredient4": "Egg", - "strIngredient5": "Butter", - "strIngredient6": "Butter", - "strIngredient7": "Onion", - "strIngredient8": "Swede", - "strIngredient9": "Beef Brisket", - "strIngredient10": "Eggs", - "strIngredient11": "Salt", - "strIngredient12": "Pepper", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure2": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure3": "1 Yolk", - "strMeasure4": "1", - "strMeasure5": "5 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "6 tblsp", - "strMeasure7": "1/3 cup", - "strMeasure8": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure9": "1/2 lb", - "strMeasure10": "2 Beaten ", - "strMeasure11": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure12": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.food.com/recipe/paszteciki-polish-pasties-117909", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53019", - "strMeal": "Pierogi (Polish Dumplings)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Side", - "strArea": "Polish", - "strInstructions": "To prepare the sauerkraut filling, melt the butter in a skillet over medium heat. Stir in the onion, and cook until translucent, about 5 minutes. Add the drained sauerkraut and cook for an additional 5 minutes. Season to taste with salt and pepper, then remove to a plate to cool.\r\n\r\nFor the mashed potato filling, melt the butter in a skillet over medium heat. Stir in the onion, and cook until translucent, about 5 minutes. Stir into the mashed potatoes, and season with salt and white pepper.\r\n\r\nTo make the dough, beat together the eggs and sour cream until smooth. Sift together the flour, salt, and baking powder; stir into the sour cream mixture until dough comes together. Knead the dough on a lightly floured surface until firm and smooth. Divide the dough in half, then roll out one half to 1/8 inch thickness. Cut into 3 inch rounds using a biscuit cutter.\r\n\r\nPlace a small spoonful of the mashed potato filling into the center of each round. Moisten the edges with water, fold over, and press together with a fork to seal. Repeat procedure with the remaining dough and the sauerkraut filling.\r\n\r\nBring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Add perogies and cook for 3 to 5 minutes or until pierogi float to the top. Remove with a slotted spoon.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/45xxr21593348847.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyqDmUroZrI", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Chopped Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Sauerkraut", - "strIngredient4": "Butter", - "strIngredient5": "Chopped Onion", - "strIngredient6": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient7": "Eggs", - "strIngredient8": "Sour Cream", - "strIngredient9": "Flour", - "strIngredient10": "Salt", - "strIngredient11": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure2": "1/3 cup", - "strMeasure3": "1 1/2 cups ", - "strMeasure4": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure6": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure7": "3", - "strMeasure8": "1 pot", - "strMeasure9": "3 cups ", - "strMeasure10": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure11": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/109914/pierogi-polish-dumplings/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53022", - "strMeal": "Polskie Nale\u015bniki (Polish Pancakes)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "Polish", - "strInstructions": "Add flour, eggs, milk, water, and salt in a large bowl then mix with a hand mixer until you have a smooth, lump-free batter.\r\nAt this point, mix in the butter or the vegetable oil. Alternatively, you can use them to grease the pan before frying each pancake.\r\nHeat a non-stick pan over medium heat, then pour in the batter, swirling the pan to help it spread.\r\nWhen the pancake starts pulling away a bit from the sides, and the top is no longer wet, flip it and cook shortly on the other side as well.\r\nTransfer to a plate. Cook the remaining batter until all used up.\r\nServe warm, with the filling of your choice.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/58bkyo1593350017.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZS4ev2crHc", - "strIngredient1": "Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Eggs", - "strIngredient3": "Milk", - "strIngredient4": "Water", - "strIngredient5": "Salt", - "strIngredient6": "Sugar", - "strIngredient7": "Butter", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure2": "2", - "strMeasure3": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure4": "3/4 cup ", - "strMeasure5": "Pinch", - "strMeasure6": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure7": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.tasteatlas.com/nalesniki/recipe", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53039", - "strMeal": "Piri-piri chicken and slaw", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Portuguese", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1\r\n\r\nWhizz together all of the marinade ingredients in a small food processor. Rub the marinade onto the chicken and leave for 1 hour at room temperature.\r\n\r\nSTEP 2\r\n\r\nHeat the oven to 190C/fan 170C/gas 5. Put the chicken in a roasting tray and cook for 1 hour 20 minutes. Rest under loose foil for 20 minutes. While the chicken is resting, mix together the slaw ingredients and season. Serve the chicken with slaw, fries and condiments.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/hglsbl1614346998.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RKwKjskopk", - "strIngredient1": "Chicken", - "strIngredient2": "Red Chilli", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Ginger", - "strIngredient5": "Dried Oregano", - "strIngredient6": "Coriander", - "strIngredient7": "Paprika", - "strIngredient8": "Red Wine Vinegar", - "strIngredient9": "Oil", - "strIngredient10": "Red Onions", - "strIngredient11": "Carrots", - "strIngredient12": "Beetroot", - "strIngredient13": "Cabbage", - "strIngredient14": "Mayonnaise", - "strIngredient15": "Greek Yogurt", - "strIngredient16": "Red Wine Vinegar", - "strIngredient17": "Cumin Seeds", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1.5kg", - "strMeasure2": "3 chopped", - "strMeasure3": "2 cloves", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure7": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure8": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure11": "2", - "strMeasure12": "1", - "strMeasure13": "4 leaves", - "strMeasure14": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure15": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure16": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure17": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.olivemagazine.com/recipes/family/piri-piri-chicken-and-winter-slaw/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53042", - "strMeal": "Portuguese prego with green piri-piri", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Portuguese", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1\r\n\r\nRub the garlic over the steaks then put in a sandwich bag and tip in the olive oil, sherry vinegar and parsley stalks. Smoosh everything together, then use a rolling pin to bash the steaks a few times. Leave for 1-2 hours.\r\n\r\nSTEP 2\r\n\r\nTo make the sauce, put all the ingredients into a blender with 1 tbsp water and whizz until as smooth as possible. This will make more than you\u2019ll need for the recipe but will keep for a week in an airtight jar.\r\n\r\nSTEP 3\r\n\r\nHeat a griddle or frying pan to high. Brush away the garlic and parsley stalks from the steaks and season well. Sear the steaks for 2 minutes on each side then rest on a plate. Put the ciabatta halves onto the plate, toasted-side down, to soak up any juices.\r\n\r\nSTEP 4\r\n\r\nSlice the steaks then stuff into the rolls with the green sauce and rocket.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ewcikl1614348364.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbIKfcDEPLA", - "strIngredient1": "Garlic", - "strIngredient2": "Beef Fillet", - "strIngredient3": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Vinegar", - "strIngredient5": "Parsley", - "strIngredient6": "Ciabatta", - "strIngredient7": "Rocket", - "strIngredient8": "Basil Leaves", - "strIngredient9": "Parsley", - "strIngredient10": "Jalapeno", - "strIngredient11": "Vinegar", - "strIngredient12": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient13": "Garlic", - "strIngredient14": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 clove", - "strMeasure2": "2 small", - "strMeasure3": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "Leaves", - "strMeasure6": "2", - "strMeasure7": "2 handfulls", - "strMeasure8": "Small bunch", - "strMeasure9": "Small bunch", - "strMeasure10": "1", - "strMeasure11": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure12": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure13": "1/2 ", - "strMeasure14": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.olivemagazine.com/recipes/meat-and-poultry/portuguese-prego-with-green-piri-piri/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53044", - "strMeal": "Portuguese barbecued pork (Febras assadas)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "Portuguese", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1\r\n\r\nCut the tenderloins into 5 equal-size pieces leaving the tail ends a little longer. Take a clear plastic bag and slip one of the pieces in. Bash it into an escalope the size of a side-plate with a rolling pin and repeat with the remaining pieces.\r\n\r\nSTEP 2\r\n\r\nPut the wine, paprika, some salt and pepper and the juice of \u00bd a lemon in a bowl and add the pork. Leave to marinate for 20-30 minutes, while you get your barbecue to the stage where the coals are glowing but there are no flames.\r\n\r\nSTEP 3\r\n\r\nTo make the chips, fill a basin with cool water and cut the potatoes into 3cm-thick chips. Soak them in the water for 5 minutes and then change the water. Leave for 5 more minutes. Drain and then pat dry on a towel or with kitchen paper.\r\n\r\nSTEP 4\r\n\r\nHeat the oil in a deep fryer or a deep heavy-based pan with a lid to 130C and lower the chips into the oil (in batches). Blanch for 8-10 minutes. Remove from the oil and drain well. Place on a tray to cool. Reheat the oil to 180C (make sure it\u2019s hot or your chips will be soggy) and lower the basket of chips into the oil (again, do this in batches). Leave to cook for 2 minutes and then give them a little shake. Cook for another minute or so until they are well coloured and crisp to the touch. Drain well for a few minutes, tip into a bowl and sprinkle with sea salt.\r\n\r\nSTEP 5\r\n\r\nThe pork will cook quickly so do it in 2 batches. Take the pieces out of the marinade, rub them with oil, and drop them onto the barbecue (you could also use a chargrill). Cook for 1 minute on each side \u2013 they may flare up as you do so. This should really be enough time as they will keep on cooking. Take them off the barbecue and pile onto a plate. Repeat with the remaining batch.\r\n\r\nSTEP 6\r\n\r\nServe by piling a plate with chips, drop the pork on top of each pile and pouring the juices from the plate over so the chips take up the flavours. Top with a spoon of mayonnaise and a wedge of lemon.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/cybyue1614349443.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVpsZaejyYU", - "strIngredient1": "Pork", - "strIngredient2": "White Wine", - "strIngredient3": "Paprika", - "strIngredient4": "Lemon", - "strIngredient5": "Lemon Juice", - "strIngredient6": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient7": "Mayonnaise", - "strIngredient8": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient9": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2", - "strMeasure2": "200ml", - "strMeasure3": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure4": "2", - "strMeasure5": "1/2 ", - "strMeasure6": "Dash", - "strMeasure7": "To serve", - "strMeasure8": "1 kg", - "strMeasure9": "For frying", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.olivemagazine.com/recipes/meat-and-poultry/febras-assadas-portuguese-barbecued-pork-served-with-lemon-and-mayo-on-chips/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53045", - "strMeal": "Portuguese fish stew (Caldeirada de peixe)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Portuguese", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1\r\n\r\nHeat a drizzle of oil in a large, deep-sided frying pan, and fry the onion and pepper on a medium heat until softened but not browned. Finely chop the coriander stalks (keep the leaves for later), and add to the pan with the chilli and chopped garlic. Fry for another few minutes. Add the wine, saffron and bay leaf and let it simmer until reduced by half.\r\n\r\nSTEP 2\r\n\r\nAdd the potatoes, tomatoes, and 300ml water and bring to a gentle boil. Break up the tomatoes with a spoon on the side of the pan and simmer for 20-25 minutes until the potatoes are just tender, and the tomatoes have broken down.\r\n\r\nSTEP 3\r\n\r\nSeason well, then gently push the fish into the sauce, and arrange the squid, prawns, clams and mussels on the surface. Put the lid on and cook for 6-8 minutes until the mussel and clam shells have opened, the prawns are cooked and the fish is flaky. Toast the bread, rub lightly with the halved garlic clove and drizzle with olive oil. Serve the stew scatted with chopped coriander leaves, and the toasts for dunking.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/do7zps1614349775.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utv-GpSJypk", - "strIngredient1": "Onions", - "strIngredient2": "Red Pepper", - "strIngredient3": "Coriander", - "strIngredient4": "Red Chilli", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic", - "strIngredient6": "Dry White Wine", - "strIngredient7": "Saffron", - "strIngredient8": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient9": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient10": "Plum Tomatoes", - "strIngredient11": "Cod", - "strIngredient12": "Squid", - "strIngredient13": "Tiger Prawns", - "strIngredient14": "Clams", - "strIngredient15": "Mussels", - "strIngredient16": "Baguette", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 finely chopped", - "strMeasure2": "1 Diced", - "strMeasure3": "Small bunch", - "strMeasure4": "1 small", - "strMeasure5": "3 cloves", - "strMeasure6": "400ml", - "strMeasure7": "Pinch", - "strMeasure8": "1", - "strMeasure9": "300g", - "strMeasure10": "400g", - "strMeasure11": "600g", - "strMeasure12": "300g", - "strMeasure13": "8", - "strMeasure14": "500g", - "strMeasure15": "500g", - "strMeasure16": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.olivemagazine.com/recipes/one-pots/portuguese-fish-stew-caldeirada-de-peixe/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53046", - "strMeal": "Portuguese custard tarts", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "Portuguese", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1\r\nRoll the pastry\r\nMix the flour and icing sugar, and use this to dust the work surface. Roll the pastry out to make a 45 x 30cm rectangle. Roll up lengthways to create a long sausage shape.\r\n\r\nSTEP 2\r\nCutting pastry into rounds\r\nCut the pastry into 24 wheels, about 1-2cm thick.\r\n\r\nSTEP 3\r\nRoll out each pastry portion\r\nRoll each wheel lightly with the rolling pin to fit 2 x 12-hole non-stick fairy cake tins.\r\n\r\nSTEP 4\r\nPress pastry into the tin\r\nPress the pastry circles into the tins and mould into the tins to make thin cases. Chill until needed.\r\n\r\nSTEP 5\r\nMake the infused syrup\r\nHeat the oven to 220C/fan 200C/gas 7. Make a sugar syrup by bringing the sugar, 200ml water, lemon zest and cinnamon stick to the boil. Reduce until syrupy, allow to cool, then remove the cinnamon and lemon. Whisk the eggs, egg yolks and cornflour until smooth in another large pan.\r\n\r\nSTEP 6\r\nMaking custard\r\nHeat the milk and vanilla pod seeds in a separate pan until just below the boil. Gradually pour the hot milk over the eggs and cornflour, then cook on a low heat, continually whisking.\r\n\r\nSTEP 7\r\nAdd syrup to custard\r\nAdd the cooled sugar syrup to the custard and whisk until thickened slightly.\r\n\r\nSTEP 8\r\nPour custard into the tins\r\nPour the custard through a sieve. Pour into the pastry cases and bake for 15 minutes until the pastry is golden and the custard has darkened.\r\n\r\nSTEP 9\r\ncool and dust with icing sugar\r\nCool completely in the tins then sift over icing sugar and ground cinnamon to serve.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n ", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vmz7gl1614350221.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWLCxui1Mw8", - "strIngredient1": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Icing Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Puff Pastry", - "strIngredient4": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient5": "Lemon Zest", - "strIngredient6": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient7": "Eggs", - "strIngredient8": "Egg Yolks", - "strIngredient9": "Corn Flour", - "strIngredient10": "Whole Milk", - "strIngredient11": "Vanilla", - "strIngredient12": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "375g", - "strMeasure4": "250g", - "strMeasure5": "2 strips", - "strMeasure6": "1 Stick", - "strMeasure7": "2", - "strMeasure8": "4", - "strMeasure9": "50g", - "strMeasure10": "500ml", - "strMeasure11": "Pod of", - "strMeasure12": "To serve", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.olivemagazine.com/recipes/baking-and-desserts/portuguese-custard-tarts/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53081", - "strMeal": "Potato Salad (Olivier Salad)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Russian", - "strInstructions": "Cut the potatoes and carrots into small uniform cubes.\r\nPlace them in a large pot and fill with water.\r\nAdd salt and vinegar. Bring it to a boil over medium high heat, and then reduce the heat to medium and continue to cook until the potatoes are cooked through, about 15 minutes. Drain the potatoes and let it cool to room temperature.\r\nMeanwhile, cut the sausage and pickles into small cubes, and chop the green onions.\r\nCut the hard-boiled eggs into small cubes as well.\r\nIf using fresh dill, chop them as well.\r\nIn a large bowl, combine potatoes, carrots, sausage, pickles, peas and green onions.\r\nAdd mayo and dill and mix until well combined.\r\nSalt and pepper to taste. Cover with a plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 1 hour before serving.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ebvuir1699013665.jpg", - "strTags": "salad", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnsWwHcpKiY", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Carrots", - "strIngredient3": "Salt", - "strIngredient4": "White Wine Vinegar", - "strIngredient5": "Eggs", - "strIngredient6": "Sausages", - "strIngredient7": "Dill", - "strIngredient8": "Peas", - "strIngredient9": "Onions", - "strIngredient10": "Mayonnaise", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4", - "strMeasure2": "3", - "strMeasure3": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "1/2 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "4", - "strMeasure6": "7 oz ", - "strMeasure7": "4 oz ", - "strMeasure8": "1 can ", - "strMeasure9": "4", - "strMeasure10": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.sweetandsavorybyshinee.com/russian-potato-salad/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": null - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52783", - "strMeal": "Rigatoni with fennel sausage sauce", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Lamb", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "Heat a tablespoon of oil in a large saute pan for which you have a lid. Add the sausage pieces and fry on a medium-high heat for 10 minutes, stirring regularly, until golden-brown all over. Transfer the sausages to a plate, then add the onion and fennel to the hot pan and fry for 15 minutes, stirring once in a while, until soft and caramelised; if the pan goes a bit dry, add a teaspoon or so of extra oil. Stir in the paprika, garlic and half the fennel seeds, fry for two minutes more, then pour on the wine and boil for 30 seconds, to reduce by half. Add the tomatoes, sugar, 100ml water, the seared sausage and half a teaspoon of salt, cover and simmer for 30 minutes; remove the lid after 10 minutes, and cook until the sauce is thick and rich. Remove from the heat, stir through the olives and remaining fennel seeds and set aside until you\u2019re ready to serve.\r\n\r\nBring a large pot of salted water to a boil, add the pasta and cook for 12-14 minutes (or according to the instructions on the packet), until al dente. Meanwhile, reheat the sauce. Drain the pasta, return it to the pot, stir in a tablespoon of oil, then divide between the bowls. \r\n\r\nPut all the pesto ingredients except the basil in the small bowl of a food processor. Add a tablespoon of water and blitz to a rough paste. Add the basil, then blitz until just combined (the pesto has a much better texture if the basil is not overblended).\r\n\r\nSpoon over the rag\u00f9 and top with a spoonful of pesto. Finish with a sprinkling of chopped fennel fronds, if you have any, and serve at once.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qtqvys1468573168.jpg", - "strTags": "Pasta", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45dpOfESxr8", - "strIngredient1": "olive oil", - "strIngredient2": "Italian fennel sausages", - "strIngredient3": "onion", - "strIngredient4": "fennel bulb", - "strIngredient5": "smoky paprika", - "strIngredient6": "garlic", - "strIngredient7": "fennel seeds", - "strIngredient8": "red wine", - "strIngredient9": "chopped tomatoes", - "strIngredient10": "caster sugar", - "strIngredient11": "pitted black olives", - "strIngredient12": "rigatoni", - "strIngredient13": "pecorino", - "strIngredient14": "anchovy fillet", - "strIngredient15": "garlic", - "strIngredient16": "olive oil", - "strIngredient17": "basil leaves", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2\u00bd tbsp", - "strMeasure2": "6 cut into 1.5cm-thick slices", - "strMeasure3": "1 large peeled and chopped", - "strMeasure4": "1 trimmed and roughly chopped; reserve any fronds to garnish", - "strMeasure5": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure6": "1 clove, peeled and sliced", - "strMeasure7": "2 tsp lightly toasted and then gently crushed", - "strMeasure8": "100ml", - "strMeasure9": "400g tinned", - "strMeasure10": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure11": "50g cut in half lengthways", - "strMeasure12": "500g", - "strMeasure13": "30g roughly crumbled into 0.5cm pieces", - "strMeasure14": "1 rinsed and patted dry", - "strMeasure15": "1 clove, peeled and crushed", - "strMeasure16": "60ml", - "strMeasure17": "50g torn", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.ottolenghi.co.uk/recipes/meat/rigatoni-with-fennel-sausage-sauce-and-pecorino-and-anchovy-pesto-shop", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52786", - "strMeal": "Rocky Road Fudge", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Line an 8-inch-square baking pan with wax paper or foil, and coat with non-stick spray.\r\nPour \u00bd cup of the miniature marshmallows into the bottom of the lined baking dish.\r\nIn a microwave-safe bowl, combine the chocolate chips and peanut butter. Microwave the chocolate mixture in 20-second intervals, stirring in between each interval, until the chocolate is melted.\r\nAdd the vanilla extract and stir well, until smooth.\r\nReserve 2 tablespoons of the chopped almonds or peanuts, and set aside.\r\nFold 1 \u00bd cups of the miniature marshmallows and the remaining chopped nuts into the chocolate mixture.\r\nTransfer the chocolate mixture into the prepared pan and spread into an even layer. Immediately top with the reserved chopped nuts and the mallow bits or additional miniature marshmallows, if using.\r\nRefrigerate for 4 hours, or until set.\r\nRemove the fudge and wax paper from the pan. Carefully peel all of wax paper from the fudge.\r\nCut the fudge into bite-sized pieces and serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vtxyxv1483567157.jpg", - "strTags": "Chocolate,Snack,Sweet,Baking", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1aJ3nEYXyg", - "strIngredient1": "Miniature Marshmallows", - "strIngredient2": "Chocolate Chips", - "strIngredient3": "Peanut Butter", - "strIngredient4": "Vanilla Extract", - "strIngredient5": "Peanuts", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 cups", - "strMeasure2": "3 cups", - "strMeasure3": "\u00bd cup", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure5": "1 \u00bc cups", - "strMeasure6": "", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://tiphero.com/rocky-road-fudge/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52809", - "strMeal": "Recheado Masala Fish", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Indian", - "strInstructions": "Soak all the spices, ginger, garlic, tamarind pulp and kashmiri chilies except oil in vinegar.\r\nAdd sugar and salt.\r\nAlso add turmeric powder.\r\nCombine all nicely and marinate for 35-40 mins.\r\nGrind the mixture until soft and smooth. Add more vinegar if required but ensure the paste has to be thick so add vinegar accordingly. If the masala paste is thin then it would not stick to the fish.\r\nRinse the fish slit from the center and give some incision from the top. You could see the fish below for clarity.\r\nNow stuff the paste into the center and into the incision. Coat the entire fish with this paste. Marinate the fish for 30 mins.\r\nPlace oil in a shallow pan, once oil is quite hot shallow fry the stuffed mackerels.\r\nFry until golden brown from both sides\r\nServe the recheado mackerels hot with salad, lime wedges, rice and curry.\r\nNotes\r\n1. Ensure the masala paste is thick else the result won't be good.\r\n2. If you aren't able to find kashmiri chilies then use bedgi chilies or kashmiri red chili powder.\r\n3. You could use white vinegar or coconut vinegar.\r\n4. Any left over paste could be stored in the fridge for future use.\r\n5. Cinnamon could be avoided as it's a strong spice used generally for meat or chicken.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/uwxusv1487344500.jpg", - "strTags": "Fish,Spicy", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXtCris37nE", - "strIngredient1": "Mackerel", - "strIngredient2": "Red Chili", - "strIngredient3": "Ginger", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Pepper", - "strIngredient6": "Cumin", - "strIngredient7": "Turmeric", - "strIngredient8": "Cinnamon stick", - "strIngredient9": "Clove", - "strIngredient10": "Cardamom", - "strIngredient11": "Sugar", - "strIngredient12": "Tamarind ball", - "strIngredient13": "Vinegar", - "strIngredient14": "Oil", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4", - "strMeasure2": "18 dried", - "strMeasure3": "1 inch", - "strMeasure4": "8 cloves", - "strMeasure5": "1.5 tsp", - "strMeasure6": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure7": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "4", - "strMeasure10": "2", - "strMeasure11": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure12": "2 marble sized", - "strMeasure13": "2.5 tbsp", - "strMeasure14": "for frying", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.flavorsofmumbai.com/fish-recheado-masala-recipe/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52811", - "strMeal": "Ribollita", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "Put 2 tablespoons of the oil in a large pot over medium heat. When it\u2019s hot, add onion, carrot, celery and garlic; sprinkle with salt and pepper and cook, stirring occasionally, until vegetables are soft, 5 to 10 minutes.\r\nHeat the oven to 500 degrees. Drain the beans; if they\u2019re canned, rinse them as well. Add them to the pot along with tomatoes and their juices and stock, rosemary and thyme. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat so the soup bubbles steadily; cover and cook, stirring once or twice to break up the tomatoes, until the flavors meld, 15 to 20 minutes.\r\nFish out and discard rosemary and thyme stems, if you like, and stir in kale. Taste and adjust seasoning. Lay bread slices on top of the stew so they cover the top and overlap as little as possible. Scatter red onion slices over the top, drizzle with the remaining 3 tablespoons oil and sprinkle with Parmesan.\r\nPut the pot in the oven and bake until the bread, onions and cheese are browned and crisp, 10 to 15 minutes. (If your pot fits under the broiler, you can also brown the top there.) Divide the soup and bread among 4 bowls and serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xrrwpx1487347049.jpg", - "strTags": "Vegetarian", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiQUYTBb6eQ", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Carrot", - "strIngredient4": "Celery", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic", - "strIngredient6": "Cannellini Beans", - "strIngredient7": "Canned tomatoes", - "strIngredient8": "Water", - "strIngredient9": "Rosemary", - "strIngredient10": "Thyme", - "strIngredient11": "Kale", - "strIngredient12": "Wholegrain Bread", - "strIngredient13": "Red Onion", - "strIngredient14": "Parmesan", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "5 tablespoons", - "strMeasure2": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure3": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure4": "1 stalk chopped", - "strMeasure5": "1 tablespoon minced", - "strMeasure6": "2 cups", - "strMeasure7": "1", - "strMeasure8": "4 cups", - "strMeasure9": "1 fresh sprig", - "strMeasure10": "1 fresh sprig", - "strMeasure11": "1 pound chopped", - "strMeasure12": "4 thick slices", - "strMeasure13": "1 thinly sliced", - "strMeasure14": "\u00bd cup freshly grated", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1016052-ribollita", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52816", - "strMeal": "Roasted Eggplant With Tahini, Pine Nuts, and Lentils", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "\r\nFor the Lentils: Adjust oven rack to center position and preheat oven to 450\u00b0F to prepare for roasting eggplant. Meanwhile, heat 2 tablespoons olive oil in a medium saucepan over medium heat until shimmering. Add carrots, celery, and onion and cook, stirring, until softened but not browned, about 4 minutes. Add garlic and cook, stirring, until fragrant, about 30 seconds. Add lentils, bay leaves, stock or water, and a pinch of salt. Bring to a simmer, cover with the lid partially ajar, and cook until lentils are tender, about 30 minutes. (Top up with water if lentils are at any point not fully submerged.) Remove lid, stir in vinegar, and reduce until lentils are moist but not soupy. Season to taste with salt and pepper, cover, and keep warm until ready to serve.\r\n\r\n2.\r\nFor the Eggplant: While lentils cook, cut each eggplant in half. Score flesh with the tip of a paring knife in a cross-hatch pattern at 1-inch intervals. Transfer to a foil-lined rimmed baking sheet, cut side up, and brush each eggplant half with 1 tablespoon oil, letting each brushstroke be fully absorbed before brushing with more. Season with salt and pepper. Place a rosemary sprig on top of each one. Transfer to oven and roast until completely tender and well charred, 25 to 35 minutes. Remove from oven and discard rosemary.\r\n\r\n3.\r\nTo Serve: Heat 2 tablespoons olive oil and pine nuts in a medium skillet set over medium heat. Cook, tossing nuts frequently, until golden brown and aromatic, about 4 minutes. Transfer to a bowl to halt cooking. Stir half of parsley and rosemary into lentils and transfer to a serving platter. Arrange eggplant halves on top. Spread a few tablespoons of tahini sauce over each eggplant half and sprinkle with pine nuts. Sprinkle with remaining parsley and rosemary, drizzle with additional olive oil, and serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ysqrus1487425681.jpg", - "strTags": "Vegetarian,Pulse,Nutty", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkywCtna9t0", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Carrots", - "strIngredient3": "Celery", - "strIngredient4": "Onion", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic", - "strIngredient6": "Brown Lentils", - "strIngredient7": "Bay Leaves", - "strIngredient8": "Water", - "strIngredient9": "Salt", - "strIngredient10": "Apple Cider Vinegar", - "strIngredient11": "Pepper", - "strIngredient12": "Egg Plants", - "strIngredient13": "Rosemary", - "strIngredient14": "Pine nuts", - "strIngredient15": "Parsley", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 tablespoons", - "strMeasure2": "2 small cut into chunks", - "strMeasure3": "2 small stalks", - "strMeasure4": "1 medium finely diced", - "strMeasure5": "6 medium cloves sliced", - "strMeasure6": "12 ounces (340g)", - "strMeasure7": "2", - "strMeasure8": "4 cups", - "strMeasure9": "Pinch", - "strMeasure10": "2 teaspoons (10ml)", - "strMeasure11": "Pinch", - "strMeasure12": "2 large", - "strMeasure13": "4 sprigs", - "strMeasure14": "1/4 cup ", - "strMeasure15": "2 tablespoons", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2016/03/roasted-eggplant-tahini-pine-nut-lentil-vegan-experience-recipe.html", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52901", - "strMeal": "Rock Cakes", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Preheat oven to 180C/350F/Gas 4 and line a baking tray with baking parchment.\r\nMix the flour, sugar and baking powder in a bowl and rub in the cubed butter until the mixture looks like breadcrumbs, then mix in the dried fruit.\r\nIn a clean bowl, beat the egg and milk together with the vanilla extract.\r\nAdd the egg mixture to the dry ingredients and stir with a spoon until the mixture just comes together as a thick, lumpy dough. Add a teaspoon more milk if you really need it to make the mixture stick together.\r\nPlace golfball-sized spoons of the mixture onto the prepared baking tray. Leave space between them as they will flatten and spread out to double their size during baking.\r\nBake for 15-20 minutes, until golden-brown. Remove from the oven, allow to cool for a couple of minutes then turn them out onto a wire rack to cool.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/tqrrsq1511723764.jpg", - "strTags": "Baking,Cake", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tY3taZO3Aro", - "strIngredient1": "Self-raising Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient4": "Butter", - "strIngredient5": "Dried Fruit", - "strIngredient6": "Eggs", - "strIngredient7": "Milk", - "strIngredient8": "Vanilla Extract", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "225g", - "strMeasure2": "75g", - "strMeasure3": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure4": "125g", - "strMeasure5": "150g", - "strMeasure6": "1", - "strMeasure7": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/rock_cakes_03094", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52908", - "strMeal": "Ratatouille", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Cut the aubergines in half lengthways. Place them on the board, cut side down, slice in half lengthways again and then across into 1.5cm chunks. Cut off the courgettes ends, then across into 1.5cm slices. Peel the peppers from stalk to bottom. Hold upright, cut around the stalk, then cut into 3 pieces. Cut away any membrane, then chop into bite-size chunks.\r\nScore a small cross on the base of each tomato, then put them into a heatproof bowl. Pour boiling water over the tomatoes, leave for 20 secs, then remove. Pour the water away, replace the tomatoes and cover with cold water. Leave to cool, then peel the skin away. Quarter the tomatoes, scrape away the seeds with a spoon, then roughly chop the flesh.\r\nSet a saut\u00e9 pan over medium heat and when hot, pour in 2 tbsp olive oil. Brown the aubergines for 5 mins on each side until the pieces are soft. Set them aside and fry the courgettes in another tbsp oil for 5 mins, until golden on both sides. Repeat with the peppers. Don\u2019t overcook the vegetables at this stage, as they have some more cooking left in the next step.\r\nTear up the basil leaves and set aside. Cook the onion in the pan for 5 mins. Add the garlic and fry for a further min. Stir in the vinegar and sugar, then tip in the tomatoes and half the basil. Return the vegetables to the pan with some salt and pepper and cook for 5 mins. Serve with basil.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wrpwuu1511786491.jpg", - "strTags": "Vegetables,SideDish", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFdQUgAFtGU", - "strIngredient1": "Aubergine", - "strIngredient2": "Courgettes", - "strIngredient3": "Yellow Pepper", - "strIngredient4": "Tomato", - "strIngredient5": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient6": "Basil", - "strIngredient7": "Onion", - "strIngredient8": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient9": "Red Wine Vinegar", - "strIngredient10": "Sugar", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 large", - "strMeasure2": "4", - "strMeasure3": "2", - "strMeasure4": "4 large", - "strMeasure5": "5 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "Bunch", - "strMeasure7": "1 medium", - "strMeasure8": "3 finely chopped", - "strMeasure9": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure10": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2903/ratatouille", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52933", - "strMeal": "Rappie Pie", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Canadian", - "strInstructions": "Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Grease a 10x14x2-inch baking pan.\r\nHeat margarine in a skillet over medium heat; stir in onion. Cook and stir until onion has softened and turned translucent, about 5 minutes. Reduce heat to low and continue to cook and stir until onion is very tender and dark brown, about 40 minutes more.\r\nBring chicken broth to a boil in a large pot; stir in chicken breasts, reduce heat, and simmer until chicken is no longer pink at the center, about 20 minutes. Remove from heat. Remove chicken breasts to a plate using a slotted spoon; reserve broth.\r\nJuice potatoes with an electric juicer; place dry potato flesh into a bowl and discard juice. Stir salt and pepper into potatoes; stir in enough reserved broth to make the mixture the consistency of oatmeal. Set remaining broth aside.\r\nSpread half of potato mixture evenly into the prepared pan. Lay cooked chicken breast evenly over potatoes; scatter caramelized onion evenly over chicken. Spread remaining potato mixture over onions and chicken to cover.\r\nBake in the preheated oven until golden brown, about 1 hour. Reheat chicken broth; pour over individual servings as desired.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ruwpww1511817242.jpg", - "strTags": "Pie", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ys2kZnTVXAM", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Onions", - "strIngredient3": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient4": "Chicken Breast", - "strIngredient5": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient6": "Salt", - "strIngredient7": "Black Pepper", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure2": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure3": "4 qt ", - "strMeasure4": "1.5kg", - "strMeasure5": "4kg", - "strMeasure6": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "1tbsp", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://allrecipes.com/recipe/234025/rappie-pie/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52941", - "strMeal": "Red Peas Soup", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Jamaican", - "strInstructions": "Wash and rinse the dried kidney beans.. then cover with water in a deep bowl. Remember as they soak they will expand to at least triple the size they were originally so add a lot of water to the bowl. Soak them overnight or for at least 2 hrs to make the cooking step go quicker. I tossed out the water they were soaked in after it did the job.\r\n\r\nHave your butcher cut the salted pigtail into 2 inch pieces as it will be very difficult to cut with an ordinary kitchen knife. Wash, then place a deep pot with water and bring to a boil. Cook for 20 minutes, then drain + rinse and repeat (boil again in water). The goal is to make the pieces of pig tails tender and to remove most of the salt it was cured in.\r\n\r\nTime to start the soup. Place everything in the pot (except the flour and potato), then cover with water and place on a high flame to bring to a boil. As it comes to a boil, skim off any scum/froth at the top and discard. Reduce the heat to a gentle boil and allow it to cook for 1 hr and 15 mins.. basically until the beans are tender and start falling apart.\r\n\r\nIt\u2019s now time to add the potato (and Yams etc if you\u2019re adding it) as well as the coconut milk and continue cooking for 15 minutes.\r\n\r\nNow is a good time to start making the basic dough for the spinner dumplings. Mix the flour and water (add a pinch of salt if you want) until you have a soft/smooth dough. allow it to rest for 5 minutes, then pinch of a tablespoon at a time and roll between your hands to form a cigarette shape.\r\n\r\nAdd them to the pot, stir well and continue cooking for another 15 minutes on a rolling boil.\r\n\r\nYou\u2019ll notice that I didn\u2019t add any salt to the pot as the remaining salt from the salted pigtails will be enough to properly season this dish. However you can taste and adjust accordingly. Lets recap the timing part of things so you\u2019re not confused. Cook the base of the soup for 1 hr and 15 minute or until tender, then add the potatoes and cook for 15 minutes, then add the dumplings and cook for a further 15 minutes. Keep in mind that this soup will thicken quite a bit as it cools.\r\n\r\nWhile this is not a traditional recipe to any one specific island, versions of this soup (sometimes called stewed peas) can be found throughout the Caribbean, Latin America and Africa. A hearty bowl of this soup will surely give you the sleepies (some may call it ethnic fatigue). You can certainly freeze the leftovers and heat it up another day.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/sqpqtp1515365614.jpg", - "strTags": "Soup,SideDish", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ogCfDXotMw", - "strIngredient1": "Kidney Beans", - "strIngredient2": "Carrots", - "strIngredient3": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient4": "Thyme", - "strIngredient5": "Onion", - "strIngredient6": "Black Pepper", - "strIngredient7": "Red Pepper", - "strIngredient8": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient9": "Allspice", - "strIngredient10": "Beef", - "strIngredient11": "Water", - "strIngredient12": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient13": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient14": "Water", - "strIngredient15": "Coconut Milk", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure2": "1 large", - "strMeasure3": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure4": "4 sprigs", - "strMeasure5": "1 Diced", - "strMeasure6": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure7": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure8": "4 Mashed", - "strMeasure9": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure10": "2 Lbs", - "strMeasure11": "2L", - "strMeasure12": "4", - "strMeasure13": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure14": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure15": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://caribbeanpot.com/caribbean-red-peas-soup/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52942", - "strMeal": "Roast fennel and aubergine paella", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegan", - "strArea": "Spanish", - "strInstructions": "1 Put the fennel, aubergine, pepper and courgette in a roasting tray. Add a glug of olive oil, season with salt and pepper and toss around to coat the veggies in the oil. Roast in the oven for 20 minutes, turning a couple of times until the veg are pretty much cooked through and turning golden.\r\n\r\n2 Meanwhile, heat a paella pan or large frying pan over a low\u2013 medium heat and add a glug of olive oil. Saut\u00e9 the onion for 8\u201310 minutes until softened. Increase the heat to medium and stir in the rice, paprika and saffron. Cook for around 1 minute to start toasting the rice, then add the white wine. Reduce by about half before stirring in two-thirds of the stock. Reduce to a simmer and cook for 10 minutes without a lid, stirring a couple of times.\r\n\r\n3 Stir in the peas, add some seasoning, then gently mix in the roasted veg. Pour over the remaining stock, arrange the lemon wedges on top and cover with a lid or some aluminium foil. Cook for a further 10 minutes.\r\n\r\n4 To ensure you get the classic layer of toasted rice at the bottom of the pan, increase the heat to high until you hear a slight crackle. Remove from the heat and sit for 5 minutes before sprinkling over the parsley and serving.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1520081754.jpg", - "strTags": "Vegan,Paella", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5SmjR-fxUs", - "strIngredient1": "Baby Aubergine", - "strIngredient2": "Fennel", - "strIngredient3": "Red Pepper", - "strIngredient4": "Courgettes", - "strIngredient5": "Onion", - "strIngredient6": "Paella Rice", - "strIngredient7": "Paprika", - "strIngredient8": "Saffron", - "strIngredient9": "White Wine", - "strIngredient10": "Vegetable Stock", - "strIngredient11": "Frozen Peas", - "strIngredient12": "Lemon", - "strIngredient13": "Parsley", - "strIngredient14": "Salt", - "strIngredient15": "Black Pepper", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "6 small", - "strMeasure2": "4 small", - "strMeasure3": "1 thinly sliced", - "strMeasure4": "1 medium", - "strMeasure5": "1 finely chopped ", - "strMeasure6": "300g", - "strMeasure7": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure8": "pinch", - "strMeasure9": "200ml", - "strMeasure10": "700ml", - "strMeasure11": "100g ", - "strMeasure12": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure13": "Handful", - "strMeasure14": "pinch", - "strMeasure15": "pinch", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.homestylemag.co.uk/recipe/517/main-courses/roast-fennel-and-aubergine-paella", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53020", - "strMeal": "Ros\u00f3\u0142 (Polish Chicken Soup)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Polish", - "strInstructions": "Add chicken to a large Dutch oven or stock pot \r\nCover with water\r\nBring to a boil and simmer for 2 to 2 1/2 hours, skimming any impurities off the top to insure a clear broth\r\nIf your pot is big enough, add the vegetables and spices for the last hour of the cooking time\r\nMy Dutch oven wasn\u2019t big enough to hold everything, just the chicken and other bones filled the pot, so I cooked the meat/bones for the full cooking time, then removed them, and cooked the vegetables and spices separately\r\nStrain everything out of the broth\r\nBone the chicken, pulling the meat into large chunks\r\nSlice the carrots\r\nReturn the chicken and carrots to the broth\r\nCook noodles according to package instructions if you\u2019re using them\r\nAdd noodles to bowl and then top with hot soup", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/lx1kkj1593349302.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AU60fxyxXGw", - "strIngredient1": "Chicken Legs", - "strIngredient2": "Onions", - "strIngredient3": "Carrots", - "strIngredient4": "Leek", - "strIngredient5": "Celery", - "strIngredient6": "Cabbage", - "strIngredient7": "Cloves", - "strIngredient8": "Allspice", - "strIngredient9": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient10": "Parsley", - "strIngredient11": "Dill", - "strIngredient12": "Pepper", - "strIngredient13": "Salt", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4 Chopped", - "strMeasure2": "2 large", - "strMeasure3": "5 chopped", - "strMeasure4": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure5": "1 small", - "strMeasure6": "1/4 ", - "strMeasure7": "1 whole", - "strMeasure8": "1tsp", - "strMeasure9": "2", - "strMeasure10": "4 sprigs", - "strMeasure11": "4 sprigs", - "strMeasure12": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure13": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://polishhousewife.com/rosol-polish-chicken-soup/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53024", - "strMeal": "Rogaliki (Polish Croissant Cookies)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "Polish", - "strInstructions": "In a medium bowl mix egg yolks, philly cheese and baking powder using a hand held mixer. Carefully start adding the flour. When the mixture will not be mixing well, and will look like wood chips, put away the blending mixer and using your hands knead the dough.\r\nCreate a roll and cover in foil and freeze for 15 minutes. At this time preheat the oven to 375.\r\nTake the dough out and separate into two. Roll and cut out 3 inch trangles.\r\nMake as many as you can and on centre of each put a small spoon of jam. Roll them into a croissant shape.\r\nPlace the croissants onto a greased cookie sheet, and bake for 10-12 minutes or until golden.\r\nRepeat with the rest of the dough.\r\nWhen you take them out, put aside and sprinkle with powdered sugar on top.\r\nThis makes about 3 batches of 20 cookies each.\r\nTotal count about 60 cookies.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/7mxnzz1593350801.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAR10T9mfhU", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Egg Yolks", - "strIngredient3": "Cream Cheese", - "strIngredient4": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient5": "Flour", - "strIngredient6": "Jam", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure2": "3", - "strMeasure3": "8 oz ", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "3 cups ", - "strMeasure6": "1 Jar", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.food.com/recipe/rogaliki-polish-croissant-cookies-with-jam-filling-200668", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53052", - "strMeal": "Roti john", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Malaysian", - "strInstructions": "Mix all the ingredients in a bowl.\r\nHeat a pan or griddle with a little vegetable oil.\r\nPour the mixture onto the pan and place a piece of open-faced baguette on top.\r\nPress on the bread with a spatula and grill for 2 minutes.\r\nTurn the bread over to make it a little crispy.\r\nRemove from pan and cut the bread into small portions.\r\nAdd mayonnaise and/or Sambal before cutting the sandwich (optional).", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/hx335q1619789561.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cl4YH8wblRs", - "strIngredient1": "Minced Beef", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Eggs", - "strIngredient4": "Chilli", - "strIngredient5": "Baguette", - "strIngredient6": "Salt", - "strIngredient7": "Pepper", - "strIngredient8": "Mayonnaise", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1/4 lb", - "strMeasure2": "1", - "strMeasure3": "3", - "strMeasure4": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "1/2 ", - "strMeasure6": "To taste", - "strMeasure7": "To taste", - "strMeasure8": "Top", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.196flavors.com/malaysia-roti-john/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52770", - "strMeal": "Spaghetti Bolognese", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "Put the onion and oil in a large pan and fry over a fairly high heat for 3-4 mins. Add the garlic and mince and fry until they both brown. Add the mushrooms and herbs, and cook for another couple of mins.\r\n\r\nStir in the tomatoes, beef stock, tomato ketchup or pur\u00e9e, Worcestershire sauce and seasoning. Bring to the boil, then reduce the heat, cover and simmer, stirring occasionally, for 30 mins.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, cook the spaghetti in a large pan of boiling, salted water, according to packet instructions. Drain well, run hot water through it, put it back in the pan and add a dash of olive oil, if you like, then stir in the meat sauce. Serve in hot bowls and hand round Parmesan cheese, for sprinkling on top.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/sutysw1468247559.jpg", - "strTags": "Pasta,Meat", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gF8d-fitkU", - "strIngredient1": "onions", - "strIngredient2": "olive oil", - "strIngredient3": "garlic", - "strIngredient4": "lean minced beef", - "strIngredient5": "mushrooms", - "strIngredient6": "dried oregano", - "strIngredient7": "tomatoes", - "strIngredient8": "hot beef stock", - "strIngredient9": "tomato puree", - "strIngredient10": "worcestershire sauce", - "strIngredient11": "spaghetti", - "strIngredient12": "parmesan", - "strIngredient13": null, - "strIngredient14": null, - "strIngredient15": null, - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "2", - "strMeasure2": "1tbsp", - "strMeasure3": "1 clove", - "strMeasure4": "500g", - "strMeasure5": "90g", - "strMeasure6": "1tsp", - "strMeasure7": "400g can", - "strMeasure8": "300ml", - "strMeasure9": "1tbsp", - "strMeasure10": "1tbsp", - "strMeasure11": "350g", - "strMeasure12": "Topping", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": null, - "strMeasure17": null, - "strMeasure18": null, - "strMeasure19": null, - "strMeasure20": null, - "strSource": null, - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52771", - "strMeal": "Spicy Arrabiata Penne", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Add kosher salt to the boiling water, then add the pasta. Cook according to the package instructions, about 9 minutes.\r\nIn a large skillet over medium-high heat, add the olive oil and heat until the oil starts to shimmer. Add the garlic and cook, stirring, until fragrant, 1 to 2 minutes. Add the chopped tomatoes, red chile flakes, Italian seasoning and salt and pepper to taste. Bring to a boil and cook for 5 minutes. Remove from the heat and add the chopped basil.\r\nDrain the pasta and add it to the sauce. Garnish with Parmigiano-Reggiano flakes and more basil and serve warm.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ustsqw1468250014.jpg", - "strTags": "Pasta,Curry", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IszT_guI08", - "strIngredient1": "penne rigate", - "strIngredient2": "olive oil", - "strIngredient3": "garlic", - "strIngredient4": "chopped tomatoes", - "strIngredient5": "red chile flakes", - "strIngredient6": "italian seasoning", - "strIngredient7": "basil", - "strIngredient8": "Parmigiano-Reggiano", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "1 pound", - "strMeasure2": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure3": "3 cloves", - "strMeasure4": "1 tin ", - "strMeasure5": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure6": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure7": "6 leaves", - "strMeasure8": "spinkling", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": null, - "strMeasure17": null, - "strMeasure18": null, - "strMeasure19": null, - "strMeasure20": null, - "strSource": null, - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52784", - "strMeal": "Smoky Lentil Chili with Squash", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Begin by roasting the squash. Slice it into thin crescents and drizzle with a little oil and sprinkle with sea salt. I added a fresh little sage I had in the fridge, but it\u2019s unnecessary. Roast the squash a 205 C (400 F) for 20-30 minutes, flipping halfway through, until soft and golden. Let cool and chop into cubes.\r\nMeanwhile, rinse the lentils and cover them with water. Bring them to the boil then turn down to a simmer and let cook (uncovered) for 20-30 minutes, or until tender. Drain and set aside.\r\nWhile the lentils are cooking heat the 1 Tbsp. of oil on low in a medium pot. Add the onions and leeks and saut\u00e9 for 5 or so minutes, or until they begin to soften. Add the garlic next along with the cumin and coriander, cooking for a few more minutes. Add the remaining spices \u2013 paprika, cinnamon, chilli, cocoa, Worcestershire sauce, salt, and oregano. Next add the can of tomatoes, the water or stock, and carrots. Let simmer, covered, for 20 minutes or until the veg is tender and the mixture has thickened up. You\u2019ll need to check on the pot periodically for a stir and a top of of liquid if needed.\r\nAdd the lentils and chopped roasted squash. Let cook for 10 more minutes to heat through.\r\nServe with sliced jalapeno, lime wedges, cilantro, green onions, and cashew sour cream.\r\n\r\nSIMPLE CASHEW SOUR CREAM\r\n\r\n1 Cup Raw Unsalted Cashews\r\nPinch Sea Salt\r\n1 tsp. Apple Cider Vinegar\r\nWater\r\n\r\nBring some water to the boil, and use it to soak the cashews for at least four hours. Alternatively, you can use cold water and let the cashews soak overnight, but I\u2019m forgetful/lazy, so often use the boil method which is much faster.\r\nAfter the cashews have soaked, drain them and add to a high speed blender. Begin to puree, slowly adding about 1/2 cup fresh water, until a creamy consistency is reached. You may need to add less or more water to reach the desired consistency.\r\nAdd a pinch of sea salt and vinegar (or lemon juice).", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/uwxqwy1483389553.jpg", - "strTags": "Pulse", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKmqawK2Tqs", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Leek", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Cumin", - "strIngredient6": "Coriander", - "strIngredient7": "Smoked Paprika", - "strIngredient8": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient9": "Chili Powder", - "strIngredient10": "Cocoa", - "strIngredient11": "Dried Oregano", - "strIngredient12": "Diced Tomatoes", - "strIngredient13": "Water", - "strIngredient14": "Carrots", - "strIngredient15": "Brown Lentils", - "strIngredient16": "Sea Salt", - "strIngredient17": "Squash", - "strIngredient18": "Cashews", - "strIngredient19": "Apple Cider Vinegar", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure2": "1", - "strMeasure3": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure4": "3 cloves", - "strMeasure5": "4 tsp ground ", - "strMeasure6": "2 tsp ground", - "strMeasure7": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure9": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure10": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure11": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure12": "1 can", - "strMeasure13": "3 cups", - "strMeasure14": "3 chopped", - "strMeasure15": "1 1/2 cups", - "strMeasure16": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure17": "1 Small", - "strMeasure18": "1 Cup", - "strMeasure19": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.wholeheartedeats.com/2016/11/smoky-lentil-chili-squash/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52793", - "strMeal": "Sticky Toffee Pudding Ultimate", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Stone and chop the dates quite small, put them in a bowl, then pour the boiling water over. Leave for about 30 mins until cool and well-soaked, then mash a bit with a fork. Stir in the vanilla extract. Butter and flour seven mini pudding tins (each about 200ml/7fl oz) and sit them on a baking sheet. Heat oven to 180C/fan 160C/gas 4.\r\nWhile the dates are soaking, make the puddings. Mix the flour and bicarbonate of soda together and beat the eggs in a separate bowl. Beat the butter and sugar together in a large bowl for a few mins until slightly creamy (the mixture will be grainy from the sugar). Add the eggs a little at a time, beating well between additions. Beat in the black treacle then, using a large metal spoon, gently fold in one-third of the flour, then half the milk, being careful not to overbeat. Repeat until all the flour and milk is used. Stir the soaked dates into the pudding batter. The mix may look a little curdled at this point and will be like a soft, thick batter. Spoon it evenly between the tins and bake for 20-25 mins, until risen and firm.\r\nMeanwhile, put the sugar and butter for the sauce in a medium saucepan with half the cream. Bring to the boil over a medium heat, stirring all the time, until the sugar has completely dissolved. Stir in the black treacle, turn up the heat slightly and let the mixture bubble away for 2-3 mins until it is a rich toffee colour, stirring occasionally to make sure it doesn\u2019t burn. Take the pan off the heat and beat in the rest of the cream.\r\nRemove the puddings from the oven. Leave in the tins for a few mins, then loosen them well from the sides of the tins with a small palette knife before turning them out. You can serve them now with the sauce drizzled over, but they\u2019ll be even stickier if left for a day or two coated in the sauce. To do this, pour about half the sauce into one or two ovenproof serving dishes. Sit the upturned puddings on the sauce, then pour the rest of the sauce over them. Cover with a loose tent of foil so that the sauce doesn\u2019t smudge (no need to chill).\r\nWhen ready to serve, heat oven to 180C/fan 160C/gas 4. Warm the puddings through, still covered, for 15-20 mins or until the sauce is bubbling. Serve them on their own, or with cream or custard.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xrptpq1483909204.jpg", - "strTags": "Pudding,Desert,Cake,Dairy", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKq6RbxJHBo", - "strIngredient1": "Medjool dates", - "strIngredient2": "water", - "strIngredient3": "vanilla extract", - "strIngredient4": "self-raising flour", - "strIngredient5": "bicarbonate of soda", - "strIngredient6": "eggs", - "strIngredient7": "butter", - "strIngredient8": "demerara sugar", - "strIngredient9": "black treacle", - "strIngredient10": "milk", - "strIngredient11": "ice cream", - "strIngredient12": "muscovado sugar", - "strIngredient13": "butter", - "strIngredient14": "double cream", - "strIngredient15": "black treacle", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "225g", - "strMeasure2": "175ml Boiling", - "strMeasure3": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure4": "175g", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure6": "2", - "strMeasure7": "85g", - "strMeasure8": "140g", - "strMeasure9": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure10": "100ml", - "strMeasure11": "1 scoop", - "strMeasure12": "175g", - "strMeasure13": "50g", - "strMeasure14": "225ml", - "strMeasure15": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wytv3bjqJII", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52797", - "strMeal": "Spicy North African Potato Salad", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Moroccan", - "strInstructions": "Cook potatoes - place potatoes in a pot of cold water, and bring to the boil. Boil 20 minutes, or until potatoes are tender. You know they are cooked when you can stick a knife in them and the knife goes straight through.\r\nCombine harissa spice, olive oil, salt and pepper and lemon juice in a small bowl and whisk until combined.\r\nOnce potatoes are cooked, drain water and roughly chop potatoes in half.\r\nAdd harissa mix and spring onions/green onions to potatoes and stir.\r\nIn a large salad bowl, lay out arugula/rocket.\r\nTop with potato mix and toss.\r\nAdd fetta, mint and sprinkle over pine nuts.\r\nAdjust salt and pepper to taste.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/urtwux1486983078.jpg", - "strTags": "Vegetarian,Spicy", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxBzwJvTK4g", - "strIngredient1": "Small Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Harissa Spice", - "strIngredient3": "olive oil", - "strIngredient4": "Lemon", - "strIngredient5": "Spring onions", - "strIngredient6": "Rocket", - "strIngredient7": "Feta", - "strIngredient8": "Mint", - "strIngredient9": "Pine nuts", - "strIngredient10": "Salt", - "strIngredient11": "Pepper", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "650g/1lb 8 oz", - "strMeasure2": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure3": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure4": "juice of half", - "strMeasure5": "4", - "strMeasure6": "150g/6oz", - "strMeasure7": "80g/3oz", - "strMeasure8": "20 chopped", - "strMeasure9": "2 tablespoons", - "strMeasure10": "Pinch", - "strMeasure11": "Pinch", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52817", - "strMeal": "Stovetop Eggplant With Harissa, Chickpeas, and Cumin Yogurt", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Heat the oil in a 12-inch skillet over high heat until shimmering. Add the eggplants and lower the heat to medium. Season with salt and pepper as you rotate the eggplants, browning them on all sides. Continue to cook, turning regularly, until a fork inserted into the eggplant meets no resistance (you may have to stand them up on their fat end to finish cooking the thickest parts), about 20 minutes, lowering the heat and sprinkling water into the pan as necessary if the eggplants threaten to burn or smoke excessively.\r\n\r\n2.\r\nMix the harissa, chickpeas and tomatoes together, then add to the eggplants. Cook until the tomatoes have blistered and broken down, about 5 minutes more. Season with salt and pepper and add water as necessary to thin to a saucy consistency. Meanwhile, combine the yogurt and cumin in a serving bowl. Season with salt and pepper.\r\n\r\n3.\r\nTop the eggplant mixture with the parsley, drizzle with more extra virgin olive oil, and serve with the yogurt on the side.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/yqwtvu1487426027.jpg", - "strTags": "Vegetarian", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYB-1xJp4lg", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Egg Plants", - "strIngredient3": "Harissa", - "strIngredient4": "Chickpeas", - "strIngredient5": "Cherry Tomatoes", - "strIngredient6": "Greek yogurt", - "strIngredient7": "Ground cumin", - "strIngredient8": "Parsley", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4 tablespoons", - "strMeasure2": "6 small", - "strMeasure3": "\u00bd tablespoon", - "strMeasure4": "1 can", - "strMeasure5": "2 cups halved", - "strMeasure6": "1 1/2 cups", - "strMeasure7": "1 tablespoon", - "strMeasure8": "\u00bd cup ", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.seriouseats.com/2014/09/one-pot-wonders-stovetop-eggplant-harissa-chickpeas-cumin.html", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52823", - "strMeal": "Salmon Prawn Risotto", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "Melt the butter in a thick-based pan and gently cook the onion without colour until it is soft.\r\nAdd the rice and stir to coat all the grains in the butter\r\nAdd the wine and cook gently stirring until it is absorbed\r\nGradually add the hot stock, stirring until each addition is absorbed. Keep stirring until the rice is tender\r\nSeason with the lemon juice and zest, and pepper to taste. (there will probably be sufficient saltiness from the salmon to not need to add salt) Stir gently to heat through\r\nServe scattered with the Parmesan and seasonal vegetables.\r\nGrill the salmon and gently place onto the risotto with the prawns and asparagus", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xxrxux1503070723.jpg", - "strTags": "Fish", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2PMvBv52IE", - "strIngredient1": "butter", - "strIngredient2": "onion", - "strIngredient3": "rice", - "strIngredient4": "white wine", - "strIngredient5": "vegetable stock", - "strIngredient6": "lemon", - "strIngredient7": "King Prawns", - "strIngredient8": "salmon", - "strIngredient9": "asparagus", - "strIngredient10": "black pepper", - "strIngredient11": "Parmesan", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "50g/2oz", - "strMeasure2": "1 finely chopped ", - "strMeasure3": "150g", - "strMeasure4": "125ml ", - "strMeasure5": "1 litre hot", - "strMeasure6": "The juice and zest of one", - "strMeasure7": "240g large", - "strMeasure8": "150g", - "strMeasure9": "100g tips blanched briefly in boiling water", - "strMeasure10": "ground", - "strMeasure11": "50g shavings", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.rangemaster.co.uk/rangemaster-owners/recipes-ideas-inspiration/recipes/mains/prawn-and-hot-smoked-salmon-risotto-with-asparagus", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52833", - "strMeal": "Salted Caramel Cheescake", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "1) Blitz the biscuits and the pretzels in a food processor and mix the biscuits with the melted butter. Spread on the bottom of an 8\u2033/20cm Deep Springform Tin and press down firmly. Leave to set in the fridge whilst you make the rest!\r\n\r\n2) Using an electric mixer, I use my KitchenAid with the whisk attachment, whisk together the cream cheese, vanilla, and icing sugar until smooth and then add the caramel and whisk again until smooth and lump free \u2013 this could take a couple of minutes, I whisk it at half speed so not too quick or slow!\r\n\r\n3) Pour in the double cream & Salt flakes and continue to whisk for a couple of minutes until its very thick and mousse like (I mix it on a medium speed, level 6/10) \u2013 Now this could take up to 5 minutes depending on your mixer, but you seriously have to stick at it \u2013 it will hold itself completely when finished mixing (like a meringue does!) If you don\u2019t mix it enough it will not set well enough, but don\u2019t get impatient and whisk it really quick because that\u2019ll make it split! Spread over the biscuit base and leave to set in the fridge overnight.\r\n\r\n4) Remove the Cheesecake from the tin carefully and decorate the cheesecake \u2013 I drizzled over some of the spare caramel, and then some Toffee Popcorn and more Pretzels!", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xqrwyr1511133646.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5dQp3qpmI4", - "strIngredient1": "Digestive Biscuits", - "strIngredient2": "Pretzels", - "strIngredient3": "Butter", - "strIngredient4": "Cream Cheese", - "strIngredient5": "Vanilla Extract", - "strIngredient6": "Icing Sugar", - "strIngredient7": "Caramel", - "strIngredient8": "Sea Salt", - "strIngredient9": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient10": "Caramel Sauce", - "strIngredient11": "Toffee Popcorn", - "strIngredient12": "Pretzels", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "250g", - "strMeasure2": "75g", - "strMeasure3": "135g", - "strMeasure4": "450g", - "strMeasure5": "1tsp", - "strMeasure6": "100g ", - "strMeasure7": "150g", - "strMeasure8": "1tsp", - "strMeasure9": "300ml ", - "strMeasure10": "drizzle", - "strMeasure11": "Top", - "strMeasure12": "Top", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.janespatisserie.com/2015/11/09/no-bake-salted-caramel-cheesecake/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52836", - "strMeal": "Seafood fideu\u00e0", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Spanish", - "strInstructions": "Boil the kettle. Empty the mussels into a colander and run under cold water. Throw away any with broken shells. Pick through the shells, tapping each one on the side of the sink \u2013 they should be closed or should slowly close when tapped \u2013 if they stay open, throw them away. If any of the shells still have barnacles or stringy beards attached, pull them off with a cutlery knife and rinse the shells well. Keep in the colander, covered with a cold, damp cloth, until you\u2019re ready to cook. Peel the prawn shells on the body section only \u2013 leave the heads and tails intact. Score down the backs and pull out any gritty entrails. Chill until you\u2019re ready to cook.\r\nPut the saffron in a small cup, cover with 50ml kettle-hot water and set aside for 10 mins. If using vermicelli, put in a bowl and crush to little pieces (about 1cm long) with your hands.\r\nHeat the oil in a large frying pan with at least a 3cm lip, or a 40cm paella pan. Add the onion and stir around the pan for 5 mins until soft. Add the garlic and cook for 1 min more, then tip in the vermicelli and cook for 5 mins, stirring from time to time, until the vermicelli is toasted brown. Stir in the paprika.\r\nKeeping the heat moderate, stir through the monkfish, squid and saffron with its water, seasoning well. Spread the ingredients out in an even layer, then pour over the hot stock and scatter the tomatoes on top. Bring to a simmer, then cover the whole dish with a tight-fitting lid (or foil). Turn the heat to medium and cook for 6 mins.\r\nUncover and stir to incorporate the dry top layer of pasta. Push the mussels into the pasta so the hinges are buried in the bottom of the dish, and they stand straight up. Arrange the prawns on top, cover tightly and cook for another 6 mins or until the mussels are open, the prawns are pink and the pasta is cooked through. Leave to simmer for another 2-3 mins to cook off most of the remaining liquid (leave a little in the pan to prevent the pasta from sticking together). Allow to sit for 2-3 mins, then squeeze over the lemon juice and arrange the wedges on top. Scatter with parsley before serving.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wqqvyq1511179730.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itsFEc8W468", - "strIngredient1": "Mussels", - "strIngredient2": "Prawns", - "strIngredient3": "Saffron", - "strIngredient4": "Vermicelli", - "strIngredient5": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient6": "Onions", - "strIngredient7": "Garlic", - "strIngredient8": "Paprika", - "strIngredient9": "Monkfish", - "strIngredient10": "Baby Squid", - "strIngredient11": "Fish Stock", - "strIngredient12": "Tomatoes", - "strIngredient13": "Lemon", - "strIngredient14": "Parsley", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "400g", - "strMeasure2": "8", - "strMeasure3": "2 pinches", - "strMeasure4": "350g", - "strMeasure5": "5 tblsp ", - "strMeasure6": "1 large", - "strMeasure7": "3 cloves", - "strMeasure8": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "1 tail", - "strMeasure10": "4", - "strMeasure11": "650ml", - "strMeasure12": "2 large", - "strMeasure13": "Juice of 1", - "strMeasure14": "Topping", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/seafood-fideua-paella", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52849", - "strMeal": "Spinach & Ricotta Cannelloni", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "First make the tomato sauce. Heat the oil in a large pan and fry the garlic for 1 min. Add the sugar, vinegar, tomatoes and some seasoning and simmer for 20 mins, stirring occasionally, until thick. Add the basil and divide the sauce between 2 or more shallow ovenproof dishes (see Tips for freezing, below). Set aside. Make a sauce by beating the mascarpone with the milk until smooth, season, then set aside.\r\n\r\nPut the spinach in a large colander and pour over a kettle of boiling water to wilt it (you may need to do this in batches). When cool enough to handle squeeze out the excess water. Roughly chop the spinach and mix in a large bowl with 100g Parmesan and ricotta. Season well with salt, pepper and the nutmeg.\r\n\r\nHeat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6. Using a piping bag or plastic food bag with the corner snipped off, squeeze the filling into the cannelloni tubes. Lay the tubes, side by side, on top of the tomato sauce and spoon over the mascarpone sauce. Top with Parmesan and mozzarella. You can now freeze the cannelloni, uncooked, or you can cook it first and then freeze. Bake for 30-35 mins until golden and bubbling. Remove from oven and let stand for 5 mins before serving.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wspuvp1511303478.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYGaEJjyLQA", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Garlic", - "strIngredient3": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient4": "Red Wine Vinegar", - "strIngredient5": "Chopped Tomatoes", - "strIngredient6": "Basil Leaves", - "strIngredient7": "Mascarpone", - "strIngredient8": "Milk", - "strIngredient9": "Parmesan", - "strIngredient10": "Mozzarella", - "strIngredient11": "Spinach", - "strIngredient12": "Parmesan", - "strIngredient13": "Ricotta", - "strIngredient14": "Nutmeg", - "strIngredient15": "Cannellini Beans", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "3 tbsp", - "strMeasure2": "8 cloves chopped", - "strMeasure3": "3 tbsp", - "strMeasure4": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure5": "3 400g Cans", - "strMeasure6": "Bunch", - "strMeasure7": "2 tubs", - "strMeasure8": "3 tbsp", - "strMeasure9": "85g", - "strMeasure10": "2 sliced", - "strMeasure11": "1kg", - "strMeasure12": "100g ", - "strMeasure13": "3 tubs", - "strMeasure14": "pinch", - "strMeasure15": "400g", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/531632/spinach-and-ricotta-cannelloni", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52866", - "strMeal": "Squash linguine", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6. Put the squash and garlic on a baking tray and drizzle with the olive oil. Roast for 35-40 mins until soft. Season.\r\nCook the pasta according to pack instructions. Drain, reserving the water. Use a stick blender to whizz the squash with 400ml cooking water. Heat some oil in a frying pan, fry the sage until crisp, then drain on kitchen paper. Tip the pasta and sauce into the pan and warm through. Scatter with sage.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wxswxy1511452625.jpg", - "strTags": "Pasta,Light", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHZ-PoGwTLQ", - "strIngredient1": "Butternut Squash", - "strIngredient2": "Garlic", - "strIngredient3": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Linguine Pasta", - "strIngredient5": "Sage", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "350g", - "strMeasure2": "3 parts ", - "strMeasure3": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "350g", - "strMeasure5": "Small bunch", - "strMeasure6": "", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/creamy-squash-linguine", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52872", - "strMeal": "Spanish Tortilla", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Spanish", - "strInstructions": "Put a large non-stick frying pan on a low heat. Cook the onion slowly in the oil and butter until soft but not brown \u2013 this should take about 15 mins. Add the potatoes, cover the pan and cook for a further 15-20 mins, stirring occasionally to make sure they fry evenly.\r\nWhen the potatoes are soft and the onion is shiny, crush 2 garlic cloves and stir in, followed by the beaten eggs.\r\nPut the lid back on the pan and leave the tortilla to cook gently. After 20 mins, the edges and base should be golden, the top set but the middle still a little wobbly. To turn it over, slide it onto a plate and put another plate on top, turn the whole thing over and slide it back into the pan to finish cooking. Once cooked, transfer to a plate and serve the tortilla warm or cold, scattered with the chopped parsley.\r\nTo accompany, take slices of warmed baguette, stab all over with a fork and rub with the remaining garlic, pile on grated tomatoes and season with sea salt and a drizzle of olive oil.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/quuxsx1511476154.jpg", - "strTags": "Egg,Light", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JceGMNG7rpU", - "strIngredient1": "Onion", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Butter", - "strIngredient4": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic", - "strIngredient6": "Eggs", - "strIngredient7": "Parsley", - "strIngredient8": "Baguette", - "strIngredient9": "Vine Tomatoes", - "strIngredient10": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure2": "4 tbsp", - "strMeasure3": "25g", - "strMeasure4": "400g", - "strMeasure5": "6 cloves", - "strMeasure6": "8", - "strMeasure7": "Handful", - "strMeasure8": "1", - "strMeasure9": "4", - "strMeasure10": "drizzle", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/spanish-tortilla", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52881", - "strMeal": "Steak and Kidney Pie", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Preheat the oven to 220C/425F/Gas 7\r\nHeat the vegetable oil in a large frying pan, and brown the beef all over. (You may need to do this in batches.) Set aside, then brown the kidneys on both sides in the same pan. Add the onions and cook for 3-4 minutes.\r\nReturn the beef to the pan, sprinkle flour over and coat the meat and onions\r\nAdd the stock to the pan, stir well and bring to the boil.\r\nTurn the heat down and simmer for 1\u00bd hours without a lid. If the liquid evaporates too much, add more stock.\r\nRemove from the heat. Add salt, pepper and Worcestershire sauce and allow to cool completely. Place the cooked meat mixture into a pie dish.\r\nRoll out the pastry to 5mm/\u00bcin thick and 5cm/2in larger than the dish you are using.\r\nUsing a rolling pin, lift the pastry and place it over the top of the pie dish. Trim and crimp the edges with your fingers and thumb.\r\nBrush the surface with the beaten egg mixture and bake for 30-40 minutes until golden-brown and puffed.\r\nServe with creamy mash and steamed vegetables to soak up the gravy.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qysyss1511558054.jpg", - "strTags": "Pie", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTw5tPt4KmA", - "strIngredient1": "Puff Pastry", - "strIngredient2": "Egg White", - "strIngredient3": "Egg Yolks", - "strIngredient4": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient5": "Beef", - "strIngredient6": "Lamb Kidney", - "strIngredient7": "Onions", - "strIngredient8": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient9": "Beef Stock", - "strIngredient10": "Salt", - "strIngredient11": "Pepper", - "strIngredient12": "Worcestershire Sauce", - "strIngredient13": null, - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "300g", - "strMeasure2": "Beaten", - "strMeasure3": "Beaten", - "strMeasure4": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "70 ml ", - "strMeasure6": "200g", - "strMeasure7": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure8": "30g", - "strMeasure9": "85 ml ", - "strMeasure10": "pinch", - "strMeasure11": "pinch", - "strMeasure12": "Dash", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/steakandkidneypie_73308", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52883", - "strMeal": "Sticky Toffee Pudding", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Preheat the oven to 180C/160C Fan/Gas 4. Butter a wide shallow 1.7-litre/3-pint ovenproof dish.\r\nPut the butter, sugar, eggs, flour, baking powder, bicarbonate of soda and treacle into a mixing bowl. Beat using an electric handheld whisk for about 30 seconds or until combined. Pour in the milk gradually and whisk again until smooth. Pour into the prepared dish. Bake for 35\u201340 minutes or until well risen and springy in the centre.\r\nTo make the sauce, put all the ingredients into a saucepan and stir over a low heat until the sugar has dissolved and the butter has melted. Bring to the boil, stirring for a minute.\r\nTo serve, pour half the sauce over the pudding in the baking dish. Serve with the cream or ice cream.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xqqqtu1511637379.jpg", - "strTags": "Pudding,Cake,Desert", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wytv3bjqJII", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Muscovado Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Eggs", - "strIngredient4": "Self-raising Flour", - "strIngredient5": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient6": "Bicarbonate Of Soda", - "strIngredient7": "Black Treacle", - "strIngredient8": "Milk", - "strIngredient9": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient10": "Butter", - "strIngredient11": "Muscovado Sugar", - "strIngredient12": "Black Treacle", - "strIngredient13": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient14": "Vanilla Extract", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "100g ", - "strMeasure2": "175g", - "strMeasure3": "2 large", - "strMeasure4": "225g", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure7": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "275ml", - "strMeasure9": "to serve", - "strMeasure10": "100g ", - "strMeasure11": "125g", - "strMeasure12": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure13": "300ml ", - "strMeasure14": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/marys_sticky_toffee_41970", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52886", - "strMeal": "Spotted Dick", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Put the flour and salt in a bowl. Add the suet, currants, sugar, lemon and orange zest.\r\nPour in 150ml milk and mix to a firm but moist dough, adding the extra milk if necessary.\r\nShape into a fat roll about 20cm long. Place on a large rectangle of baking parchment. Wrap loosely to allow for the pudding to rise and tie the ends with string like a Christmas cracker.\r\nPlace a steamer over a large pan of boiling water, add the pudding to the steamer, cover and steam for 1 1/2 hours. Top up the pan with water from time to time.\r\nRemove from the steamer and allow to cool slightly before unwrapping. Serve sliced with custard.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xqvyqr1511638875.jpg", - "strTags": "Fruity,Pudding,Desert", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fu15XOF-ros", - "strIngredient1": "Self-raising Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Salt", - "strIngredient3": "Suet", - "strIngredient4": "Currants", - "strIngredient5": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient6": "Lemon", - "strIngredient7": "Orange", - "strIngredient8": "Milk", - "strIngredient9": "Custard", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "250g", - "strMeasure2": "pinch", - "strMeasure3": "125g", - "strMeasure4": "175g", - "strMeasure5": "80g", - "strMeasure6": "Zest of 1", - "strMeasure7": "Zest of 1", - "strMeasure8": "150ml", - "strMeasure9": "to serve", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2686661/spotted-dick", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52889", - "strMeal": "Summer Pudding", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Bring out the juices: Wash fruit and gently dry on kitchen paper \u2013 keep strawberries separate. Put sugar and 3 tbsp water into a large pan. Gently heat until sugar dissolves \u2013 stir a few times. Bring to a boil for 1 min, then tip in the fruit (not strawberries). Cook for 3 mins over a low heat, stirring 2-3 times. The fruit will be softened, mostly intact and surrounded by dark red juice. Put a sieve over a bowl and tip in the fruit and juice.\r\nLine the bowl with cling film and prepare the bread: Line the 1.25-litre basin with cling film as this will help you to turn out the pudding. Overlap two pieces of cling film in the middle of the bowl as it\u2019s easier than trying to get one sheet to stick to all of the curves. Let the edges overhang by about 15cm. Cut the crusts off the bread. Cut 4 pieces of bread in half, a little on an angle, to give 2 lopsided rectangles per piece. Cut 2 slices into 4 triangles each and leave the final piece whole.\r\nBuild the pud: Dip the whole piece of bread into the juice for a few secs just to coat. Push this into the bottom of the basin. Now dip the wonky rectangular pieces one at a time and press around the basin\u2019s sides so that they fit together neatly, alternately placing wide and narrow ends up. If you can\u2019t quite fit the last piece of bread in it doesn\u2019t matter, just trim into a triangle, dip in juice and slot in. Now spoon in the softened fruit, adding the strawberries here and there as you go.\r\nLet flavours mingle then serve: Dip the bread triangles in juice and place on top \u2013 trim off overhang with scissors. Keep leftover juice for later. Bring cling film up and loosely seal. Put a side plate on top and weight down with cans. Chill for 6 hrs or overnight. To serve, open out cling film then put a serving plate upside-down on top and flip over. serve with leftover juice, any extra berries and cream.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/rsqwus1511640214.jpg", - "strTags": "Summer", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akJIO6UhXtA", - "strIngredient1": "Strawberries", - "strIngredient2": "Blackberries", - "strIngredient3": "Redcurrants", - "strIngredient4": "Raspberries", - "strIngredient5": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient6": "Bread", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "300g", - "strMeasure2": "250g", - "strMeasure3": "100g ", - "strMeasure4": "500g", - "strMeasure5": "175g", - "strMeasure6": "7 Slices", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/4516/summer-pudding", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52911", - "strMeal": "Summer Pistou", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Heat the oil in a large pan and fry the leeks and courgette for 5 mins to soften. Pour in the stock, add three-quarters of the haricot beans with the green beans, half the tomatoes, and simmer for 5-8 mins until the vegetables are tender.\r\nMeanwhile, blitz the remaining beans and tomatoes, the garlic and basil in a food processor (or in a bowl with a stick blender) until smooth, then stir in the Parmesan. Stir the sauce into the soup, cook for 1 min, then ladle half into bowls or pour into a flask for a packed lunch. Chill the remainder. Will keep for a couple of days.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/rqtxvr1511792990.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyeqZJKEXp0", - "strIngredient1": "Rapeseed Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Leek", - "strIngredient3": "Courgettes", - "strIngredient4": "Vegetable Stock", - "strIngredient5": "Cannellini Beans", - "strIngredient6": "Green Beans", - "strIngredient7": "Tomatoes", - "strIngredient8": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient9": "Basil", - "strIngredient10": "Parmesan", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure2": "2 finely chopped", - "strMeasure3": "1 large", - "strMeasure4": "1L", - "strMeasure5": "400g", - "strMeasure6": "200g", - "strMeasure7": "3 chopped", - "strMeasure8": "3 chopped", - "strMeasure9": "Small pack", - "strMeasure10": "40g", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/summer-pistou", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52925", - "strMeal": "Split Pea Soup", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Side", - "strArea": "Canadian", - "strInstructions": "Put the gammon in a very large pan with 2 litres water and bring to the boil. Remove from the heat and drain off the water \u2013 this helps to get rid of some of the saltiness. Recover with 2 litres cold water and bring to the boil again. Put everything but the frozen peas into the pan and bring to the boil. Reduce to a simmer and cook for 1\u00bd-2\u00bd hrs, topping up the water as and when you need to, to a similar level it started at. As the ham cooks and softens, you can halve it if you want, so it is all submerged under the liquid. When the ham is tender enough to pull into shreds, it is ready.\r\nLift out the ham, peel off and discard the skin. While it is still hot (wear a clean pair of rubber gloves), shred the meat. Remove bay from the soup and stir in the frozen peas. Simmer for 1 min, then blend until smooth. Add a splash of water if too thick, and return to the pan to heat through if it has cooled, or if you are making ahead.\r\nWhen you are ready to serve, mix the hot soup with most of the ham \u2013 gently reheat if made ahead. Serve in bowls with the remaining ham scattered on top, and eat with crusty bread and butter.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/xxtsvx1511814083.jpg", - "strTags": "Soup,Warm", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdhWz7qAaCU", - "strIngredient1": "Ham", - "strIngredient2": "Peas", - "strIngredient3": "Onions", - "strIngredient4": "Carrots", - "strIngredient5": "Bay Leaves", - "strIngredient6": "Celery", - "strIngredient7": "Frozen Peas", - "strIngredient8": "Bread", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1kg", - "strMeasure2": "200g (soaked overnight)", - "strMeasure3": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure4": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure5": "2", - "strMeasure6": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure7": "300g", - "strMeasure8": "to serve", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1022639/split-pea-and-green-pea-smoked-ham-soup", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52931", - "strMeal": "Sugar Pie", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "Canadian", - "strInstructions": "Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease a 9-inch pie dish.\r\nPlace the brown sugar and butter in a mixing bowl, and beat them together with an electric mixer until creamy and very well combined, without lumps. Beat in eggs, one at a time, incorporating the first egg before adding the next one. Add the vanilla extract and salt; beat the flour in, a little at a time, and then the milk, making a creamy batter. Pour the batter into the prepared pie dish.\r\nBake in the preheated oven for 35 minutes; remove pie, and cover the rim with aluminum foil to prevent burning. Return to oven, and bake until the middle sets and the top forms a crusty layer, about 15 more minutes. Let the pie cool to room temperature, then refrigerate for at least 1 hour before serving.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/yrstur1511816601.jpg", - "strTags": "Pie,Desert", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVQ66jiL-Dc", - "strIngredient1": "Brown Sugar", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Eggs", - "strIngredient4": "Vanilla Extract", - "strIngredient5": "Salt", - "strIngredient6": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient7": "Milk", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure2": "\u00bc cup", - "strMeasure3": "2", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "\u00bd cup ", - "strMeasure7": "1 1/2 cups ", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://allrecipes.com/recipe/213595/miraculous-canadian-sugar-pie/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52935", - "strMeal": "Steak Diane", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Heat oil in a 12\" skillet over medium-high heat. Season steaks with salt and pepper, and add to skillet; cook, turning once, until browned on both sides and cooked to desired doneness, about 4 to 5 minutes for medium-rare. Transfer steaks to a plate, and set aside.\r\nReturn skillet to high heat, and add stock; cook until reduced until to 1\u20442 cup, about 10 minutes. Pour into a bowl, and set aside. Return skillet to heat, and add butter; add garlic and shallots, and cook, stirring, until soft, about 2 minutes. Add mushrooms, and cook, stirring, until they release any liquid and it evaporates and mushrooms begin to brown, about 2 minutes. Add cognac, and light with a match to flamb\u00e9e; cook until flame dies down. Stir in reserved stock, cream, Dijon, Worcestershire, and hot sauce, and then return steaks to skillet; cook, turning in sauce, until warmed through and sauce is thickened, about 4 minutes. Transfer steak to serving plates and stir parsley and chives into sauce; pour sauce over steaks to serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vussxq1511882648.jpg", - "strTags": "DateNight,Expensive,Meat,MainMeal,Cheasy", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rWZNHkrsNg", - "strIngredient1": "Canola Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Beef Fillet", - "strIngredient3": "Beef Stock", - "strIngredient4": "Butter", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic", - "strIngredient6": "Challots", - "strIngredient7": "Mushrooms", - "strIngredient8": "Brandy", - "strIngredient9": "Heavy Cream", - "strIngredient10": "Dijon Mustard", - "strIngredient11": "Worcestershire Sauce", - "strIngredient12": "Tabasco Sauce", - "strIngredient13": "Parsley", - "strIngredient14": "Chives", - "strIngredient15": "Salt", - "strIngredient16": "Pepper", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure2": "4", - "strMeasure3": "1 1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure4": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "2 cloves minced", - "strMeasure6": "1 medium finely diced", - "strMeasure7": "4 oz ", - "strMeasure8": "\u00bc cup", - "strMeasure9": "\u00bc cup", - "strMeasure10": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure11": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure12": "Dash", - "strMeasure13": "1 tbs minced", - "strMeasure14": "1 tbs minced", - "strMeasure15": "to taste", - "strMeasure16": "to taste", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.saveur.com/article/Recipes/Classic-Steak-Diane", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52936", - "strMeal": "Saltfish and Ackee", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Jamaican", - "strInstructions": "For the saltfish, soak the salt cod overnight, changing the water a couple of times.\r\nDrain, then put the cod in a large pan of fresh water and bring to the boil. Drain again, add fresh water and bring to the boil again.\r\nSimmer for about five minutes, or until cooked through, then drain and flake the fish into large pieces. Discard any skin or bones.\r\nFor the dumplings, mix the flour and suet with a pinch of salt and 250ml/9fl oz water to make a dough.\r\nWrap the mixture in clingfilm and leave in the fridge to rest.\r\nOpen the can of ackee, drain and rinse, then set aside.\r\nHeat a tablespoon of olive oil in a pan and fry the onion until softened but not brown.\r\nAdd the spices, seasoning, pepper sauce and sliced peppers and continue to fry until the peppers are tender.\r\nAdd the chopped tomatoes, then the salt cod and mix together. Lastly stir in the ackee very gently and leave to simmer until ready to serve.\r\nWhen you\u2019re almost ready to eat, heat about 1cm/\u00bdin vegetable oil in a frying pan and heat until just smoking.\r\nShape the dumpling mix into plum-size balls and shallow-fry until golden-brown. (CAUTION: hot oil can be dangerous. Do not leave the pan unattended.)\r\nDrain the dumplings on kitchen paper and serve with the saltfish and ackee.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vytypy1511883765.jpg", - "strTags": "Speciality", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbfNyZbdn2I", - "strIngredient1": "Salt Cod", - "strIngredient2": "Ackee", - "strIngredient3": "Onion", - "strIngredient4": "Paprika", - "strIngredient5": "Curry Powder", - "strIngredient6": "Jerusalem Artichokes", - "strIngredient7": "Hotsauce", - "strIngredient8": "Red Pepper", - "strIngredient9": "Yellow Pepper", - "strIngredient10": "Tomatoes", - "strIngredient11": "Salt", - "strIngredient12": "Pepper", - "strIngredient13": "Self-raising Flour", - "strIngredient14": "Suet", - "strIngredient15": "Salt", - "strIngredient16": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "450g", - "strMeasure2": "400g", - "strMeasure3": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure6": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure7": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure8": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure9": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure10": "200g", - "strMeasure11": "to taste", - "strMeasure12": "to taste", - "strMeasure13": "250g", - "strMeasure14": "30g", - "strMeasure15": "pinch", - "strMeasure16": "for frying", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/saltfish__ackee_with_64803", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52949", - "strMeal": "Sweet and Sour Pork", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "Chinese", - "strInstructions": "Preparation\r\n1. Crack the egg into a bowl. Separate the egg white and yolk.\r\n\r\nSweet and Sour Pork\r\n2. Slice the pork tenderloin into strips.\r\n\r\n3. Prepare the marinade using a pinch of salt, one teaspoon of starch, two teaspoons of light soy sauce, and an egg white.\r\n\r\n4. Marinade the pork strips for about 20 minutes.\r\n\r\n5. Put the remaining starch in a bowl. Add some water and vinegar to make a starchy sauce.\r\n\r\nSweet and Sour Pork\r\nCooking Instructions\r\n1. Pour the cooking oil into a wok and heat to 190\u00b0C (375\u00b0F). Add the marinated pork strips and fry them until they turn brown. Remove the cooked pork from the wok and place on a plate.\r\n\r\n2. Leave some oil in the wok. Put the tomato sauce and white sugar into the wok, and heat until the oil and sauce are fully combined.\r\n\r\n3. Add some water to the wok and thoroughly heat the sweet and sour sauce before adding the pork strips to it.\r\n\r\n4. Pour in the starchy sauce. Stir-fry all the ingredients until the pork and sauce are thoroughly mixed together.\r\n\r\n5. Serve on a plate and add some coriander for decoration.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1529442316.jpg", - "strTags": "Sweet", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdaBIhgEAMo", - "strIngredient1": "Pork", - "strIngredient2": "Egg", - "strIngredient3": "Water", - "strIngredient4": "Salt", - "strIngredient5": "Sugar", - "strIngredient6": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient7": "Starch", - "strIngredient8": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient9": "Vinegar", - "strIngredient10": "Coriander", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "200g", - "strMeasure2": "1", - "strMeasure3": "Dash", - "strMeasure4": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "10g", - "strMeasure7": "10g", - "strMeasure8": "30g", - "strMeasure9": "10g", - "strMeasure10": "Dash", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.chinahighlights.com/travelguide/chinese-food/cooking/sweet-sour-pork.htm", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52950", - "strMeal": "Szechuan Beef", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Chinese", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1 - MARINATING THE BEEF\r\nIn a bowl, add the beef, salt, sesame seed oil, white pepper, egg white, 2 Tablespoon of corn starch and 1 Tablespoon of oil.\r\nSTEP 2 - STIR FRY\r\nFirst Cook the beef by adding 2 Tablespoon of oil until the beef is golden brown.\r\nSet the beef aside\r\nIn a wok add 1 Tablespoon of oil, minced ginger, minced garlic and stir-fry for few seconds.\r\nNext add all of the vegetables and then add sherry cooking wine and 1 cup of water.\r\nTo make the sauce add oyster sauce, hot pepper sauce, and sugar.\r\nadd the cooked beef and 1 spoon of soy sauce\r\nTo thicken the sauce, whisk together 1 Tablespoon of cornstarch and 2 Tablespoon of water in a bowl and slowly add to your stir-fry until it's the right thickness.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1529443236.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQGZqZYz7Ms", - "strIngredient1": "Beef", - "strIngredient2": "Salt", - "strIngredient3": "Sesame Seed Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Pepper", - "strIngredient5": "Egg White", - "strIngredient6": "Starch", - "strIngredient7": "Oil", - "strIngredient8": "Ginger", - "strIngredient9": "Garlic", - "strIngredient10": "Onion", - "strIngredient11": "Carrots", - "strIngredient12": "Green Pepper", - "strIngredient13": "Celery", - "strIngredient14": "Mushrooms", - "strIngredient15": "Cooking wine", - "strIngredient16": "Water", - "strIngredient17": "Oyster Sauce", - "strIngredient18": "Hotsauce", - "strIngredient19": "Sugar", - "strIngredient20": "Soy Sauce", - "strMeasure1": "1/2 lb", - "strMeasure2": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure3": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure4": "1 pinch", - "strMeasure5": "1", - "strMeasure6": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure9": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure10": "3/4 cup ", - "strMeasure11": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure12": "3/4 cup ", - "strMeasure13": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure14": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure15": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure16": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure17": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure18": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure19": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure20": "1 tbs", - "strSource": "https://sueandgambo.com/pages/szechuan-beef", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52953", - "strMeal": "Shrimp Chow Fun", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Chinese", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1 - SOAK THE RICE NOODLES\r\nSoak the rice noodles overnight untill they are soft\r\nSTEP 2 - BOIL THE RICE NOODLES\r\nBoil the noodles for 10-15 minutes and then rinse with cold water to stop the cooking process of the noodles.\r\nSTEP 3 -MARINATING THE SHRIMP\r\nIn a bowl add the shrimp, egg, 1 pinch of white pepper, 1 Teaspoon of sesame seed oil, 1 Tablespoon corn starch and 1 tablespoon of oil\r\nMix together well\r\nSTEP 4 - STIR FRY\r\nIn a wok add 2 Tablespoons of oil, shrimp and stir fry them until it is golden brown\r\nSet the shrimp aside\r\nAdd 1 Tablespoon of oil to the work and then add minced garlic, ginger and all of the vegetables.\r\nAdd the noodles to the wok\r\nNext add sherry cooking wine, oyster sauce, sugar, vinegar, sesame seed oil, 1 pinch white pepper, and soy sauce\r\nAdd back in the shrimp\r\nTo thicken the sauce, whisk together 1 Tablespoon of corn starch and 2 Tablespoon of water in a bowl and slowly add to your stir-fry until it's the right thickness.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1529445434.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzaTcpoFEaY", - "strIngredient1": "Rice Stick Noodles", - "strIngredient2": "Prawns", - "strIngredient3": "Egg", - "strIngredient4": "Pepper", - "strIngredient5": "Sesame Seed Oil", - "strIngredient6": "Cornstarch", - "strIngredient7": "Oil", - "strIngredient8": "Minced Garlic", - "strIngredient9": "Ginger", - "strIngredient10": "Onion", - "strIngredient11": "Bean Sprouts", - "strIngredient12": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient13": "Cooking wine", - "strIngredient14": "Oyster Sauce", - "strIngredient15": "Sugar", - "strIngredient16": "Vinegar", - "strIngredient17": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1/2 bag", - "strMeasure2": "8 oz ", - "strMeasure3": "1/2 ", - "strMeasure4": "pinch", - "strMeasure5": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure6": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure9": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure10": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure11": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure12": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure13": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure14": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure15": "1/2 tbs", - "strMeasure16": "1/2 tbs", - "strMeasure17": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://sueandgambo.com/pages/shrimp-chow-fun", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52960", - "strMeal": "Salmon Avocado Salad", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Season the salmon, then rub with oil. Mix the dressing ingredients together. Halve, stone, peel and slice the avocados. Halve and quarter the cucumber lengthways, then cut into slices. Divide salad, avocado and cucumber between four plates, then drizzle with half the dressing.\r\n\r\nHeat a non-stick pan. Add the salmon and fry for 3-4 mins on each side until crisp but still moist inside. Put a salmon fillet on top of each salad and drizzle over the remaining dressing. Serve warm.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1549542994.jpg", - "strTags": "Paleo,Keto,LowCarbs,Salad,Alcoholic,Halloween,", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJiu2S0Xap0", - "strIngredient1": "Salmon", - "strIngredient2": "Avocado", - "strIngredient3": "Cucumber", - "strIngredient4": "Spinach", - "strIngredient5": "Mint", - "strIngredient6": "Lime", - "strIngredient7": "Honey", - "strIngredient8": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "400g", - "strMeasure2": "3", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "400g", - "strMeasure5": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "zest and juice of 1", - "strMeasure7": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/4521/salmon-avocado-and-cucumber-salad", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52962", - "strMeal": "Salmon Eggs Eggs Benedict", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Breakfast", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "First make the Hollandaise sauce. Put the lemon juice and vinegar in a small bowl, add the egg yolks and whisk with a balloon whisk until light and frothy. Place the bowl over a pan of simmering water and whisk until mixture thickens. Gradually add the butter, whisking constantly until thick \u2013 if it looks like it might be splitting, then whisk off the heat for a few mins. Season and keep warm.\r\n\r\nTo poach the eggs, bring a large pan of water to the boil and add the vinegar. Lower the heat so that the water is simmering gently. Stir the water so you have a slight whirlpool, then slide in the eggs one by one. Cook each for about 4 mins, then remove with a slotted spoon.\r\n\r\nLightly toast and butter the muffins, then put a couple of slices of salmon on each half. Top each with an egg, spoon over some Hollandaise and garnish with chopped chives.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1550440197.jpg", - "strTags": "Bun,Brunch", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Woiiet4vQ58", - "strIngredient1": "Eggs", - "strIngredient2": "White Wine Vinegar", - "strIngredient3": "English Muffins", - "strIngredient4": "Butter", - "strIngredient5": "Smoked Salmon", - "strIngredient6": "Lemon Juice", - "strIngredient7": "White Wine Vinegar", - "strIngredient8": "Egg", - "strIngredient9": "Unsalted Butter", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "2", - "strMeasure4": "To serve", - "strMeasure5": "8 slices", - "strMeasure6": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure7": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "3 Yolkes", - "strMeasure9": "125g", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/73606/eggs-benedict-with-smoked-salmon-and-chives", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52963", - "strMeal": "Shakshuka", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Egyptian", - "strInstructions": "Heat the oil in a frying pan that has a lid, then soften the onions, chilli, garlic and coriander stalks for 5 mins until soft. Stir in the tomatoes and sugar, then bubble for 8-10 mins until thick. Can be frozen for 1 month.\r\n\r\nUsing the back of a large spoon, make 4 dips in the sauce, then crack an egg into each one. Put a lid on the pan, then cook over a low heat for 6-8 mins, until the eggs are done to your liking. Scatter with the coriander leaves and serve with crusty bread.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/g373701551450225.jpg", - "strTags": "Egg,Brunch,Breakfast", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-3_jYrfdBU", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Red Onions", - "strIngredient3": "Red Chilli", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Coriander", - "strIngredient6": "Cherry Tomatoes", - "strIngredient7": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient8": "Eggs", - "strIngredient9": "Feta", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure2": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure3": "1 finely chopped ", - "strMeasure4": "1 clove", - "strMeasure5": "Chopped", - "strMeasure6": "800g", - "strMeasure7": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "4", - "strMeasure9": "Spinkling", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/7573/spicy-tomato-baked-eggs", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52964", - "strMeal": "Smoked Haddock Kedgeree", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Breakfast", - "strArea": "Indian", - "strInstructions": "Melt 50g butter in a large saucepan (about 20cm across), add 1 finely chopped medium onion and cook gently over a medium heat for 5 minutes, until softened but not browned.\r\n\r\nStir in 3 split cardamom pods, \u00bc tsp turmeric, 1 small cinnamon stick and 2 bay leaves, then cook for 1 minute.\r\n\r\nTip in 450g basmati rice and stir until it is all well coated in the spicy butter.\r\n\r\nPour in 1 litre chicken or fish stock, add \u00bd teaspoon salt and bring to the boil, stir once to release any rice from the bottom of the pan. Cover with a close-fitting lid, reduce the heat to low and leave to cook very gently for 12 minutes.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, bring some water to the boil in a large shallow pan. Add 750g un-dyed smoked haddock fillet and simmer for 4 minutes, until the fish is just cooked. Lift it out onto a plate and leave until cool enough to handle.\r\n\r\nHard-boil 3 eggs for 8 minutes.\r\n\r\nFlake the fish, discarding any skin and bones. Drain the eggs, cool slightly, then peel and chop.\u2028\r\n\r\nUncover the rice and remove the bay leaves, cinnamon stick and cardamom pods if you wish to. Gently fork in the fish and the chopped eggs, cover again and return to the heat for 2-3 minutes, or until the fish has heated through.\r\n\r\nGently stir in almost all the 3 tbsp chopped fresh parsley, and season with a little salt and black pepper to taste. Serve scattered with the remaining parsley and garnished with 1 lemon, cut into wedges.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1550441275.jpg", - "strTags": "Brunch,Fish,Fusion", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqdzDCWS4gQ", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Cardamom", - "strIngredient4": "Turmeric", - "strIngredient5": "Cinnamon Stick", - "strIngredient6": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient7": "Basmati Rice", - "strIngredient8": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient9": "Smoked Haddock", - "strIngredient10": "Eggs", - "strIngredient11": "Parsley", - "strIngredient12": "Lemon", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "50g", - "strMeasure2": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure3": "3 Pods", - "strMeasure4": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure5": "1 small", - "strMeasure6": "Sprigs of fresh", - "strMeasure7": "450g", - "strMeasure8": "1 Litre", - "strMeasure9": "750g", - "strMeasure10": "3", - "strMeasure11": "3 tblsp chopped", - "strMeasure12": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2256/smoked-haddock-kedgeree", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52980", - "strMeal": "Stamppot", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "Dutch", - "strInstructions": "\r\nWash and peel the potatoes and cut into similarly sized pieces for even cooking.\r\n\r\nIn a large soup pot, boil the potatoes and the bay leaves in salted water for 20 minutes. Discard the bay leaves.\r\n\r\nIf you're not using a bag of ready-cut curly kale, wash the bunches thoroughly under cool running water to get rid of all soil\u2014you wouldn't want that gritty texture in your finished dish. Trim any coarse stems and discard any brown leaves. With a sharp knife, cut the curly kale into thin strips.\r\n\r\nPeel and chop the shallots.\r\n\r\nIn a frying pan or skillet, melt 1 tbsp. of butter and saute the shallots for a few minutes before adding the curly kale and 2 tbsp. of water. Season and cook for about 10 minutes, or until tender.\r\n\r\nWarm the milk on the stove or in the microwave.\r\n\r\nDrain, shake and dry the potatoes with kitchen towels before mashing with a potato masher or ricer. Working quickly, add the warm milk and the remaining butter. Season to taste with nutmeg, salt, and pepper. \r\n\r\nMix the cooked curly kale through the cooked mashed potato mixture.\r\n\r\nTop with slices of the smoked sausage and serve hot with your favorite mustard or gravy.\r\n\r\nServe and enjoy!", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/hyarod1565090529.jpg", - "strTags": "Savory,Breakfast", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTrSXryX31A", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient3": "Shallots", - "strIngredient4": "Butter", - "strIngredient5": "Kale", - "strIngredient6": "Sausages", - "strIngredient7": "Milk", - "strIngredient8": "Nutmeg", - "strIngredient9": "Salt", - "strIngredient10": "Pepper", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1.5kg", - "strMeasure2": "2 leaves", - "strMeasure3": "2", - "strMeasure4": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "750g", - "strMeasure6": "2", - "strMeasure7": "500ml", - "strMeasure8": "Grated", - "strMeasure9": "Pinch", - "strMeasure10": "Pinch", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.thespruceeats.com/stamppot-with-curly-kale-and-rookworst-1128837", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52981", - "strMeal": "Snert (Dutch Split Pea Soup)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Side", - "strArea": "Dutch", - "strInstructions": "Gather the ingredients.\r\n\r\nIn a large soup pot, bring water, split peas, pork belly or bacon, pork chop, and bouillon cube to a boil. Reduce the heat to a simmer, cover and let cook for 45 minutes, stirring occasionally and skimming off any foam that rises to the top. \r\n\r\nRemove the pork chop, debone, and thinly slice the meat. Set aside.\r\n\r\nAdd the celery, carrots, potato, onion, leek, and celeriac to the soup. Return to the boil, reduce the heat to a simmer and let cook, uncovered, for another 30 minutes, adding a little extra water if the ingredients start to stick to the bottom of the pot.\r\n\r\nAdd the smoked sausage for the last 15 minutes of cooking time. When the vegetables are tender, remove the bacon and smoked sausage, slice thinly and set aside.\r\n\r\nIf you prefer a smooth consistency, pur\u00e9e the soup with a stick blender. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Add the meat back to the soup, setting some slices of rookworst aside.\r\n\r\nServe in heated bowls or soup plates, garnished with slices of rookworst and chopped celery leaf.\r\n\r\nEnjoy!", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/9ptx0a1565090843.jpg", - "strTags": "Soup,Cake", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YV0sJLtLt8", - "strIngredient1": "Water", - "strIngredient2": "Peas", - "strIngredient3": "Pork", - "strIngredient4": "Vegetable Stock Cube", - "strIngredient5": "Celery", - "strIngredient6": "Carrots", - "strIngredient7": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient8": "Onion", - "strIngredient9": "Leek", - "strIngredient10": "Celeriac", - "strIngredient11": "Sausages", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2L", - "strMeasure2": "300g", - "strMeasure3": "100g ", - "strMeasure4": "1", - "strMeasure5": "2", - "strMeasure6": "2", - "strMeasure7": "1 large", - "strMeasure8": "1 small", - "strMeasure9": "1 small", - "strMeasure10": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure11": "1 pound", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.thespruceeats.com/traditional-dutch-split-pea-soup-1129011", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52982", - "strMeal": "Spaghetti alla Carbonara", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pasta", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1\r\nPut a large saucepan of water on to boil.\r\n\r\nSTEP 2\r\nFinely chop the 100g pancetta, having first removed any rind. Finely grate 50g pecorino cheese and 50g parmesan and mix them together.\r\n\r\nSTEP 3\r\nBeat the 3 large eggs in a medium bowl and season with a little freshly grated black pepper. Set everything aside.\r\n\r\nSTEP 4\r\nAdd 1 tsp salt to the boiling water, add 350g spaghetti and when the water comes back to the boil, cook at a constant simmer, covered, for 10 minutes or until al dente (just cooked).\r\n\r\nSTEP 5\r\nSquash 2 peeled plump garlic cloves with the blade of a knife, just to bruise it.\r\n\r\nSTEP 6\r\nWhile the spaghetti is cooking, fry the pancetta with the garlic. Drop 50g unsalted butter into a large frying pan or wok and, as soon as the butter has melted, tip in the pancetta and garlic.\r\n\r\nSTEP 7\r\nLeave to cook on a medium heat for about 5 minutes, stirring often, until the pancetta is golden and crisp. The garlic has now imparted its flavour, so take it out with a slotted spoon and discard.\r\n\r\nSTEP 8\r\nKeep the heat under the pancetta on low. When the pasta is ready, lift it from the water with a pasta fork or tongs and put it in the frying pan with the pancetta. Don\u2019t worry if a little water drops in the pan as well (you want this to happen) and don\u2019t throw the pasta water away yet.\r\n\r\nSTEP 9\r\nMix most of the cheese in with the eggs, keeping a small handful back for sprinkling over later.\r\n\r\nSTEP 10\r\nTake the pan of spaghetti and pancetta off the heat. Now quickly pour in the eggs and cheese. Using the tongs or a long fork, lift up the spaghetti so it mixes easily with the egg mixture, which thickens but doesn\u2019t scramble, and everything is coated.\r\n\r\nSTEP 11\r\nAdd extra pasta cooking water to keep it saucy (several tablespoons should do it). You don\u2019t want it wet, just moist. Season with a little salt, if needed.\r\n\r\nSTEP 12\r\nUse a long-pronged fork to twist the pasta on to the serving plate or bowl. Serve immediately with a little sprinkling of the remaining cheese and a grating of black pepper. If the dish does get a little dry before serving, splash in some more hot pasta water and the glossy sauciness will be revived.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/llcbn01574260722.jpg", - "strTags": "Pasta,BBQ,Breakfast", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_T6jkRvhlkk", - "strIngredient1": "Spaghetti", - "strIngredient2": "Egg Yolks", - "strIngredient3": "Salt", - "strIngredient4": "Bacon", - "strIngredient5": "Pecorino", - "strIngredient6": "Black Pepper", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "320g", - "strMeasure2": "6", - "strMeasure3": "As required", - "strMeasure4": "150g", - "strMeasure5": "50g", - "strMeasure6": "As required", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/ultimate-spaghetti-carbonara-recipe", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52992", - "strMeal": "Soy-Glazed Meatloaves with Wasabi Mashed Potatoes & Roasted Carrots", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Wash and dry all produce. Dice potatoes into 1/2-inch pieces. Trim, peel, and cut carrots on a diagonal into 1/2-inch-thick pieces. Trim and thinly slice scallions, separating whites from greens; finely chop whites. Peel and finely chop garlic.\r\n\r\n2. In a medium bowl, soak bread with 2 TBSP water (4 TBSP for 4 servings); break up with your hands until pasty. Stir in beef, sriracha, scallion whites, half the garlic, salt (we used 3/4 tsp kosher salt; 11/2 tsp for 4), and pepper. Form into two 1-inch-tall loaves (four loaves for 4). Place on one side of a baking sheet. Toss carrots on empty side of same sheet with a drizzle of oil, salt, and pepper. (For 4, spread meatloaves out across whole sheet and add carrots to a second sheet.) Bake for 20 minutes (we'll glaze the meatloaves then).\r\n\r\n3. Meanwhile, place potatoes in a medium pot with enough salted water to cover by 2 inches. Bring to a boil and cook until very\r\ntender, 12-15 minutes. Reserve 1/2 cup potato cooking liquid, then drain. While potatoes cook, in a small bowl, combine soy sauce, garlic powder, 1/4 cup ketchup (1/2 cup for 4 servings), and 2 tsp sugar (4 tsp for 4).\r\n\r\n4. Once meatloaves and carrots have baked 20 minutes, remove from oven. Spoon half the ketchup glaze over meatloaves (save\r\nthe rest for serving); return to oven until carrots are browned and tender, meatloaves are cooked through, and glaze is tacky, 4-5 minutes more.\r\n\r\n5. Meanwhile, melt 2 TBSP butter (4 TBSP for 4 servings) in pot used for potatoes over medium heat. Add remaining garlic and cook\r\nuntil fragrant, 30 seconds. Add potatoes and 1/4 tsp wasabi. Mash, adding splashes of reserved potato cooking liquid as necessary until smooth. Season with salt and pepper. (If you like things spicy, stir in more wasabi!)\r\n\r\n6. Divide meatloaves, mashed potatoes, and roasted carrots between plates. Sprinkle with scallion greens and serve with remaining ketchup glaze on the side for dipping.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/o2wb6p1581005243.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Carrots", - "strIngredient3": "Scallions", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Bread", - "strIngredient6": "Garlic Powder", - "strIngredient7": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient8": "Ground Beef", - "strIngredient9": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient10": "Sugar", - "strIngredient11": "Butter", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "5", - "strMeasure2": "12 ounces", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "2 cloves", - "strMeasure5": "1 Slice", - "strMeasure6": "1", - "strMeasure7": "2", - "strMeasure8": "1", - "strMeasure9": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure10": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure11": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52994", - "strMeal": "Skillet Apple Pork Chops with Roasted Sweet Potatoes & Zucchini", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "\r\nServes 2\r\n\r\n\r\n1. \r\n\r\nAdjust racks to top and middle positions and preheat oven to 450 degrees. Wash and dry all produce. Dice sweet potatoes into 1/2-inch pieces. Toss on a baking sheet with a drizzle of oil, salt, and pepper. Roast on top rack for 12 minutes (we'll roast the zucchini then). \r\n\r\n\r\n2. \r\n\r\nMeanwhile, halve and core apple; thinly slice into half-moons. Peel and finely chop garlic. Quarter lemon. Trim and halve zucchini lengthwise; cut crosswise into 1/2-inch-thick half-moons. Toss on a second baking sheet with a drizzle of oil and a pinch of salt and pepper. Set aside. \r\n\r\n\r\n3. \r\n\r\nPat pork dry with paper towels and season all over with salt and pepper. Heat a drizzle of oil in a large pan over medium-high heat. Add pork and cook until browned and cooked through, 4-5 minutes per side. Turn off heat; transfer to a plate. \r\n\r\n\r\n4. \r\n\r\nOnce sweet potatoes have roasted 12 minutes, transfer baking sheet with zucchini to middle rack and continue roasting until both veggies are browned and softened, 12-15 minutes more. \r\n\r\n\r\n5. \r\n\r\nMeanwhile, melt 1 TBSP butter (2 TBSP for 4 servings) in pan used for pork over medium-high heat. Add apple and season with salt and pepper. Cook, scraping up any browned bits from bottom of pan, until apple is slightly softened, 2-3 minutes. Add garlic; cook until fragrant, 30 seconds. Add 1/z cup water (3/4 cup for 4), stock concentrate, and 11/2 tsp sugar (3 tsp for 4). Cook, stirring, until sauce has thickened and apple is very tender, 3-5 minutes. Season with salt and pepper. \r\n\r\n\r\n6. \r\n\r\nRemove pan with apple from heat; stir in 1 TBSP butter (2 TBSP for 4 servings) and a squeeze of lemon juice. Divide pork, zucchini, and sweet potatoes between plates. Top pork with glazed apple sauce. Top zucchini with a squeeze of lemon juice. ", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/h3ijwo1581013377.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Apples", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Lemon", - "strIngredient5": "Pork", - "strIngredient6": "Zucchini", - "strIngredient7": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient8": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient9": "Sugar", - "strIngredient10": "Butter", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2", - "strMeasure2": "1", - "strMeasure3": "2 cloves", - "strMeasure4": "1", - "strMeasure5": "2", - "strMeasure6": "1", - "strMeasure7": "1", - "strMeasure8": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure9": "1 1/2 tsp ", - "strMeasure10": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53005", - "strMeal": "Strawberry Rhubarb Pie", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Pie Crust: In a food processor, place the flour, salt, and sugar and process until combined. Add the butter and process until the mixture resembles coarse\r\n\r\nmeal (about 15 seconds). Pour 1/4 cup (60 ml) water in a slow, steady stream, through the feed tube until the dough just holds together when pinched. If necessary, add more water. Do not process more than 30 seconds.\r\nTurn the dough onto your work surface and gather into a ball. Divide the dough in half, flattening each half into a disk, cover with plastic wrap, and refrigerate for about one hour before using. This will chill the butter and relax the gluten in the flour. \r\n\r\nAfter the dough has chilled sufficiently, remove one portion of the dough from the fridge and place it on a lightly floured surface. Roll the pastry into a 12 inch (30 cm) circle. (To prevent the pastry from sticking to the counter and to ensure uniform thickness, keep lifting up and turning the pastry a quarter turn as you roll (always roll from the center of the pastry outwards).) Fold the dough in half and gently transfer to a 9 inch (23 cm) pie pan. Brush off any excess flour and trim any overhanging pastry to an edge of 1/2 inch (1.5 cm). Refrigerate the pastry, covered with plastic wrap, while you make the filling. \r\n\r\nRemove the second round of pastry and roll it into a 13 inch (30 cm) circle. Using a pastry wheel or pizza cutter, cut the pastry into about 3/4 inch (2 cm) strips. Place the strips of pastry on a parchment paper-lined baking sheet, cover with plastic wrap, and place in the refrigerator for about 10 minutes. \r\n\r\nMake the Strawberry Rhubarb Filling: Place the cut strawberries and rhubarb in a large bowl. In a small bowl mix together the cornstarch, sugar, and ground cinnamon. \r\n\r\nRemove the chilled pie crust from the fridge. Sprinkle about 2 tablespoons of the sugar mixture over the bottom of the pastry crust. Add the remaining sugar mixture to the strawberries and rhubarb and gently toss to combine. Pour the fruit mixture into the prepared pie shell. Sprinkle the fruit with about 1 teaspoon of lemon juice and dot with 2 tablespoons of butter.\r\n\r\nRemove the lattice pastry from the refrigerator and, starting at the center with the longest strips and working outwards, place half the strips, spacing about 1 inch (2.5 cm) apart, on top of the filling. (Use the shortest pastry strips at the outer edges.) Then, gently fold back, about halfway, every other strip of pastry. Take another strip of pastry and place it perpendicular on top of the first strips of pastry. Unfold the bottom strips of pastry and then fold back the strips that weren't folded back the first time. Lay another strip of pastry perpendicular on top of the filling and then continue with the remaining strips. Trim the edges of the pastry strips, leaving a 1 inch (2.5 cm) overhang. Seal the edges of the pastry strips by folding them under the bottom pastry crust and flute the edges of the pastry. Brush the lattice pastry with milk and sprinkle with a little sugar. Cover and place in the refrigerator while you preheat the oven to 400 degrees F (205 degrees C) and place the oven rack in the lower third of the oven. Put a baking sheet, lined with aluminum foil, on the oven rack (to catch any spills.)\r\n\r\nPlace the pie plate on the hot baking sheet and bake the pie for about 35 minutes and then, if the edges of the pie are browning too much, cover with a foil ring. Continue to bake the pie for about another 10 minutes or until the crust is a golden brown color and the fruit juices begin to bubble.\r\n\r\nRemove the pie from the oven and place on a wire rack to cool for several hours. Serve at room temperature with softly whipped cream or vanilla ice cream. Leftovers can be stored in the refrigerator for about 3 days. Reheat before serving. This pie can be frozen.\r\n\r\nMakes one 9 inch (23 cm) pie.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/178z5o1585514569.jpg", - "strTags": "Pudding,Pie,Baking,Fruity,Glazed", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGw5Pwm4YA0", - "strIngredient1": "Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Salt", - "strIngredient3": "Sugar", - "strIngredient4": "Butter", - "strIngredient5": "Water", - "strIngredient6": "Rhubarb", - "strIngredient7": "Strawberries", - "strIngredient8": "Cornstarch", - "strIngredient9": "Sugar", - "strIngredient10": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient11": "Lemon Juice", - "strIngredient12": "Unsalted Butter", - "strIngredient13": "Milk", - "strIngredient14": "Sugar", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "350g", - "strMeasure2": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure3": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure5": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure6": "450g", - "strMeasure7": "450g", - "strMeasure8": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "150g", - "strMeasure10": "1/4 tsp", - "strMeasure11": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure12": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure13": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure14": "Spinkling", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.joyofbaking.com/StrawberryRhubarbPie.html", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53008", - "strMeal": "Stuffed Lamb Tomatoes", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Lamb", - "strArea": "Greek", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 180C/160C fan/gas 4. Slice the tops off the tomatoes and reserve. Scoop out most of the pulp with a teaspoon, being careful not to break the skin. Finely chop the pulp, and keep any juices. Sprinkle the insides of the tomatoes with a little sugar to take away the acidity, then place them on a baking tray.\r\n\r\nHeat 2 tbsp olive oil in a large frying pan, add the onion and garlic, then gently cook for about 10 mins until soft but not coloured. Add the lamb, cinnamon and tomato pur\u00e9e, turn up the heat, then fry until the meat is browned. Add the tomato pulp and juice, the rice and the stock. Season generously. Bring to the boil, then simmer for 15 mins or until the rice is tender and the liquid has been absorbed. Set aside to cool a little, then stir in the herbs.\r\n\r\nStuff the tomatoes up to the brim, top tomatoes with their lids, drizzle with 2 tbsp more olive oil, sprinkle 3 tbsp water into the tray, then bake for 35 mins. Serve with salad and crusty bread, hot or cold.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/u55lbp1585564013.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfJp-QfrCz4", - "strIngredient1": "Tomatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Onion", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient6": "Lamb", - "strIngredient7": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient8": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient9": "Rice", - "strIngredient10": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient11": "Dill", - "strIngredient12": "Chopped Parsley", - "strIngredient13": "Mint", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4 large", - "strMeasure2": "Pinch", - "strMeasure3": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure5": "2 finely chopped", - "strMeasure6": "200g", - "strMeasure7": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "2 tbs chopped", - "strMeasure9": "50g", - "strMeasure10": "100ml", - "strMeasure11": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure12": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure13": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/stuffed-tomatoes-lamb-mince-dill-rice", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53023", - "strMeal": "Sledz w Oleju (Polish Herrings)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Polish", - "strInstructions": "Soak herring in cold water for at least 1 hour. If very salty, repeat, changing the water each time.\r\n\r\nDrain thoroughly and slice herring into bite-size pieces.\r\n\r\nPlace in a jar large enough to accommodate the pieces and cover with oil, allspice, peppercorns, and bay leaf. Close the jar.\r\n\r\nRefrigerate for 2 to 3 days before eating. This will keep refrigerated up to 2 weeks.\r\n\r\nServe with finely chopped onion or onion slices, lemon, and parsley or dill.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/7ttta31593350374.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6I3GZlBkOM", - "strIngredient1": "Herring", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Allspice", - "strIngredient5": "Pepper", - "strIngredient6": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "8", - "strMeasure2": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure3": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "1", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.thespruceeats.com/polish-herrings-in-oil-recipe-1135618", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53028", - "strMeal": "Shawarma", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Egyptian", - "strInstructions": "Combine the marinade ingredients in a large ziplock bag (or bowl).\r\nAdd the chicken and use your hands to make sure each piece is coated. If using a ziplock bag, I find it convenient to close the bag then massage the bag to disperse the rub all over each chicken piece.\r\nMarinate overnight or up to 24 hours.\r\nCombine the Yoghurt Sauce ingredients in a bowl and mix. Cover and put in the fridge until required (it will last for 3 days in the fridge).\r\nHeat grill/BBQ (or large heavy based pan on stove) on medium high. You should not need to oil it because the marinade has oil in it and also thigh fillets have fat. But if you are worried then oil your hotplate/grill. (See notes for baking)\r\nPlace chicken on the grill and cook the first side for 4 to 5 minutes until nicely charred, then turn and cook the other side for 3 to 4 minutes (the 2nd side takes less time).\r\nRemove chicken from the grill and cover loosely with foil. Set aside to rest for 5 minutes.\r\nTO SERVE\r\nSlice chicken and pile onto platter alongside flatbreads, Salad and the Yoghurt Sauce.\r\nTo make a wrap, get a piece of flatbread and smear with Yoghurt Sauce. Top with a bit of lettuce and tomato and Chicken Shawarma. Roll up and enjoy!", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/kcv6hj1598733479.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lxUIeKDgic", - "strIngredient1": "Chicken Thighs", - "strIngredient2": "Coriander", - "strIngredient3": "Cumin", - "strIngredient4": "Cardamom", - "strIngredient5": "Cayenne Pepper", - "strIngredient6": "Paprika", - "strIngredient7": "Lemon Juice", - "strIngredient8": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient9": "Greek Yogurt", - "strIngredient10": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient11": "Cumin", - "strIngredient12": "Lemon Juice", - "strIngredient13": "Lettuce", - "strIngredient14": "Tomato", - "strIngredient15": "Pita Bread", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 kg", - "strMeasure2": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure7": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure10": "1", - "strMeasure11": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure12": "Splash", - "strMeasure13": "Sliced", - "strMeasure14": "Sliced", - "strMeasure15": "6", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.recipetineats.com/chicken-sharwama-middle-eastern/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53040", - "strMeal": "Spring onion and prawn empanadas", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Portuguese", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1\r\n\r\nTo make the dough, rub the butter into the flour and then add the egg white and half the yolk (keep the rest), vinegar, a pinch of salt and enough cold water to make a soft dough. Knead on a floured surface until smooth and then wrap and rest for 30 minutes.\r\n\r\nSTEP 2\r\n\r\nHeat the oven to 180c/fan 160c/gas 4. Trim the green ends of the spring onions and then finely slice the rest. Heat a little oil in a pan and fry them gently until soft but not browned. Add the chilli and garlic, stir and then add the prawns and cook until they are opaque. Season well. Scoop out the prawns and bubble the juices until they thicken, then add back the prawns.\r\n\r\nSTEP 3\r\n\r\nDivide the empanada dough into eight balls and roll out to thin circles on a floured surface. Put some filling on one half of the dough, sprinkle the feta on top and fold the other half over. Trim the edge and then fold and crimp the dough together so the empanada is tightly sealed, put it on an oiled baking sheet either on its side or sitting on its un-crimped edge like a cornish pasty. Repeat with the remaining dough and mixture. Mix the leftover egg yolk with a splash of water and brush the top of the empanadas.\r\n\r\nSTEP 4\r\n\r\nBake for 30 minutes or until golden and slightly crisp around the edges.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1c5oso1614347493.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q24haJU-1dI", - "strIngredient1": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Red Chilli", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Prawns", - "strIngredient6": "Feta", - "strIngredient7": "Butter", - "strIngredient8": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient9": "Egg", - "strIngredient10": "White Wine Vinegar", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 bunch", - "strMeasure2": "Dash", - "strMeasure3": "1 finely sliced", - "strMeasure4": "1 clove", - "strMeasure5": "350g", - "strMeasure6": "75g", - "strMeasure7": "15g", - "strMeasure8": "250g", - "strMeasure9": "1 Seperated", - "strMeasure10": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.olivemagazine.com/recipes/fish-and-seafood/spring-onion-and-prawn-empanadas/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53054", - "strMeal": "Seri muka kuih", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "Malaysian", - "strInstructions": "Soak glutinous rice with water for at least 1 \u00bd hours prior to using. Drain.\r\nPrepare a 9-inch round or square cake pan and spray with cooking spray or line with plastic wrap.\r\nMix coconut milk, water, salt and the rice. Pour it into cake pan, topped with the pandan knots.\r\nSteam for 30 minutes.\r\nAfter 30 minutes, fluff up the rice and remove pandan knots. Then, using a greased spatula, flatten the steamed rice. Make sure there are no holes/air bubbles and gaps in the rice, especially the sides.\r\nSteam for another 10 minutes.\r\n\r\nCombine pandan juice, coconut milk, all purpose flour, cornflour, and sugar. Mix well.\r\nAdd eggs and whisk well then strain into a medium sized metal bowl or pot.\r\nPlace pandan mixture over simmering water (double boiler or bain-marie)\r\nStir continuously and cook till custard starts to thicken. (15 minutes)\r\nPour pandan custard into glutinous rice layer, give it a little tap (for air bubbles) and continue to steam for 30 minutes.\r\nRemove kuih seri muka from the steamer and allow to cool completely before cutting into rectangles or diamond shapes.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/6ut2og1619790195.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_NJtCfqgaBo", - "strIngredient1": "Rice", - "strIngredient2": "Coconut Milk", - "strIngredient3": "Water", - "strIngredient4": "Salt", - "strIngredient5": "Corn Flour", - "strIngredient6": "Flour", - "strIngredient7": "Eggs", - "strIngredient8": "Coconut Cream", - "strIngredient9": "Sugar", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "400g", - "strMeasure2": "150ml", - "strMeasure3": "100ml", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "5 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "3", - "strMeasure8": "200ml", - "strMeasure9": "140g", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://makan.ch/recipe/kuih-seri-muka/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53065", - "strMeal": "Sushi", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Japanese", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1\r\nTO MAKE SUSHI ROLLS: Pat out some rice. Lay a nori sheet on the mat, shiny-side down. Dip your hands in the vinegared water, then pat handfuls of rice on top in a 1cm thick layer, leaving the furthest edge from you clear.\r\n\r\nSTEP 2\r\nSpread over some Japanese mayonnaise. Use a spoon to spread out a thin layer of mayonnaise down the middle of the rice.\r\n\r\nSTEP 3\r\nAdd the filling. Get your child to top the mayonnaise with a line of their favourite fillings \u2013 here we\u2019ve used tuna and cucumber.\r\n\r\nSTEP 4\r\nRoll it up. Lift the edge of the mat over the rice, applying a little pressure to keep everything in a tight roll.\r\n\r\nSTEP 5\r\nStick down the sides like a stamp. When you get to the edge without any rice, brush with a little water and continue to roll into a tight roll.\r\n\r\nSTEP 6\r\nWrap in cling film. Remove the mat and roll tightly in cling film before a grown-up cuts the sushi into thick slices, then unravel the cling film.\r\n\r\nSTEP 7\r\nTO MAKE PRESSED SUSHI: Layer over some smoked salmon. Line a loaf tin with cling film, then place a thin layer of smoked salmon inside on top of the cling film.\r\n\r\nSTEP 8\r\nCover with rice and press down. Press about 3cm of rice over the fish, fold the cling film over and press down as much as you can, using another tin if you have one.\r\n\r\nSTEP 9\r\nTip it out like a sandcastle. Turn block of sushi onto a chopping board. Get a grown-up to cut into fingers, then remove the cling film.\r\n\r\nSTEP 10\r\nTO MAKE SUSHI BALLS: Choose your topping. Get a small square of cling film and place a topping, like half a prawn or a small piece of smoked salmon, on it. Use damp hands to roll walnut-sized balls of rice and place on the topping.\r\n\r\nSTEP 11\r\nMake into tight balls. Bring the corners of the cling film together and tighten into balls by twisting it up, then unwrap and serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/g046bb1663960946.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ub68OxEypaY", - "strIngredient1": "Sushi Rice", - "strIngredient2": "Rice wine", - "strIngredient3": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient4": "Mayonnaise", - "strIngredient5": "Rice wine", - "strIngredient6": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient7": "Cucumber", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "300ml ", - "strMeasure2": "100ml", - "strMeasure3": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "1", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/simple-sushi", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53067", - "strMeal": "Stuffed Bell Peppers with Quinoa and Black Beans", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Mexican", - "strInstructions": "1. Preheat your oven to 375\u00b0F (190\u00b0C). Lightly grease a 9x13-inch baking dish or a similar-sized casserole dish.\r\n2. Place the bell pepper halves in the prepared baking dish, cut side up. Bake for 15-20 minutes, or until slightly softened.\r\n3. While the bell peppers are baking, prepare the filling. In a large skillet, heat the olive oil over medium heat. Add the chopped onion, and cook for 3-4 minutes, until softened. Add the garlic, and cook for another 1 minute, until fragrant.\r\n4. Stir in the cooked quinoa, black beans, corn, diced tomatoes, ground cumin, chili powder, smoked paprika, salt, and pepper. Cook for 5-7 minutes, until heated through. Remove the skillet from heat, and stir in 1 cup of the shredded cheese, if using.\r\n5. Remove the bell peppers from the oven, and carefully stuff each pepper half with the quinoa and black bean mixture. Top the stuffed peppers with the remaining 1/2 cup of shredded cheese, if using.\r\n6. Return the stuffed peppers to the oven, and bake for another 15-20 minutes, until the cheese is melted and the peppers are tender.\r\n7. Remove from the oven, and allow the stuffed peppers to cool for 5 minutes before serving. Garnish with fresh chopped cilantro.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/b66myb1683207208.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "", - "strIngredient1": "Green Pepper", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Onion", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Quinoa", - "strIngredient6": "Black Beans", - "strIngredient7": "Sweetcorn", - "strIngredient8": "Diced Tomatoes", - "strIngredient9": "Cumin", - "strIngredient10": "Chili Powder", - "strIngredient11": "Smoked Paprika", - "strIngredient12": "Salt", - "strIngredient13": "Pepper", - "strIngredient14": "Shredded Mexican Cheese", - "strIngredient15": "Cilantro", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4 whole", - "strMeasure2": "1 tablespoon", - "strMeasure3": "1 small finely diced", - "strMeasure4": "2 cloves minced", - "strMeasure5": "1 cups", - "strMeasure6": "1 can ", - "strMeasure7": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure8": "1 can ", - "strMeasure9": "1 teaspoon", - "strMeasure10": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure11": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure12": "To taste", - "strMeasure13": "To taste", - "strMeasure14": "1 1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure15": "Chopped", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53082", - "strMeal": "Strawberries Romanoff", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "Russian", - "strInstructions": "In a medium bowl, combine hulled and quartered strawberries, 4 Tbsp sugar and 4 Tbsp liqueur, stir to combine then cover and refrigerate at least 1 hour and up to 2 hours, stirring once or twice.\r\n\r\nTwo photos of cut strawberries in a bowl with one having sugar being added to the bowl Two photos of cut up strawberries for Strawberry Romanoff \r\n\r\nJust before serving, in a large mixing bowl, combine 1 cup cold heavy cream and 1/4 cup powdered sugar, and beat with an electric mixer until stiff peaks form. Using a spatula, fold in 1/4 cup sour cream just until well blended.\r\n\r\nTo serve, stir strawberries then divide between 6 serving glasses or bowls. You can spoon a little syrup over the berries if you like. You can also use this syrup to soak a cake. Spoon cream over strawberries, dividing evenly. You can also use an ice cream scoop with trigger release for a nice rounded puff of cream. Serve right away or chill and enjoy within 2 hours of assembly.\r\n\r\n", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/oe8rg51699014028.jpg", - "strTags": "fruity", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybWHc4Vi-xU", - "strIngredient1": "Strawberries", - "strIngredient2": "Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Grand Marnier", - "strIngredient4": "Cream", - "strIngredient5": "Sour Cream", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 pint ", - "strMeasure2": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure4": "1 cup ", - "strMeasure5": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure6": " ", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://natashaskitchen.com/strawberries-romanoff-recipe/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52772", - "strMeal": "Teriyaki Chicken Casserole", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Japanese", - "strInstructions": "Preheat oven to 350\u00b0 F. Spray a 9x13-inch baking pan with non-stick spray.\r\nCombine soy sauce, \u00bd cup water, brown sugar, ginger and garlic in a small saucepan and cover. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Remove lid and cook for one minute once boiling.\r\nMeanwhile, stir together the corn starch and 2 tablespoons of water in a separate dish until smooth. Once sauce is boiling, add mixture to the saucepan and stir to combine. Cook until the sauce starts to thicken then remove from heat.\r\nPlace the chicken breasts in the prepared pan. Pour one cup of the sauce over top of chicken. Place chicken in oven and bake 35 minutes or until cooked through. Remove from oven and shred chicken in the dish using two forks.\r\n*Meanwhile, steam or cook the vegetables according to package directions.\r\nAdd the cooked vegetables and rice to the casserole dish with the chicken. Add most of the remaining sauce, reserving a bit to drizzle over the top when serving. Gently toss everything together in the casserole dish until combined. Return to oven and cook 15 minutes. Remove from oven and let stand 5 minutes before serving. Drizzle each serving with remaining sauce. Enjoy!", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wvpsxx1468256321.jpg", - "strTags": "Meat,Casserole", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4aZr5hZXP_s", - "strIngredient1": "soy sauce", - "strIngredient2": "water", - "strIngredient3": "brown sugar", - "strIngredient4": "ground ginger", - "strIngredient5": "minced garlic", - "strIngredient6": "cornstarch", - "strIngredient7": "chicken breasts", - "strIngredient8": "stir-fry vegetables", - "strIngredient9": "brown rice", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "3/4 cup", - "strMeasure2": "1/2 cup", - "strMeasure3": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure4": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure5": "1/2 teaspoon", - "strMeasure6": "4 Tablespoons", - "strMeasure7": "2", - "strMeasure8": "1 (12 oz.)", - "strMeasure9": "3 cups", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": null, - "strMeasure17": null, - "strMeasure18": null, - "strMeasure19": null, - "strMeasure20": null, - "strSource": null, - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52806", - "strMeal": "Tandoori chicken", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Indian", - "strInstructions": "Mix the lemon juice with the paprika and red onions in a large shallow dish. Slash each chicken thigh three times, then turn them in the juice and set aside for 10 mins.\r\nMix all of the marinade ingredients together and pour over the chicken. Give everything a good mix, then cover and chill for at least 1 hr. This can be done up to a day in advance.\r\nHeat the grill. Lift the chicken pieces onto a rack over a baking tray. Brush over a little oil and grill for 8 mins on each side or until lightly charred and completely cooked through.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qptpvt1487339892.jpg", - "strTags": "Spicy,Meat", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CKvt1KNU74", - "strIngredient1": "lemons", - "strIngredient2": "paprika", - "strIngredient3": "red onions", - "strIngredient4": "chicken thighs", - "strIngredient5": "vegetable oil", - "strIngredient6": "Greek yogurt", - "strIngredient7": "ginger", - "strIngredient8": "garlic clove", - "strIngredient9": "garam masala", - "strIngredient10": "ground cumin", - "strIngredient11": "chilli powder", - "strIngredient12": "turmeric", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 Juice", - "strMeasure2": "4 tsp", - "strMeasure3": "2 finely chopped", - "strMeasure4": "16 skinnless", - "strMeasure5": "For brushing", - "strMeasure6": "300ml ", - "strMeasure7": "large piece", - "strMeasure8": "4", - "strMeasure9": "\u00be tsp", - "strMeasure10": "\u00be tsp", - "strMeasure11": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure12": "\u00bc tsp", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1660651/tandoori-chicken", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52814", - "strMeal": "Thai Green Curry", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Chicken", - "strArea": "Thai", - "strInstructions": "Put the potatoes in a pan of boiling water and cook for 5 minutes. Throw in the beans and cook for a further 3 minutes, by which time both should be just tender but not too soft. Drain and put to one side.\r\nIn a wok or large frying pan, heat the oil until very hot, then drop in the garlic and cook until golden, this should take only a few seconds. Don\u2019t let it go very dark or it will spoil the taste. Spoon in the curry paste and stir it around for a few seconds to begin to cook the spices and release all the flavours. Next, pour in the coconut milk and let it come to a bubble.\r\nStir in the fish sauce and sugar, then the pieces of chicken. Turn the heat down to a simmer and cook, covered, for about 8 minutes until the chicken is cooked.\r\nTip in the potatoes and beans and let them warm through in the hot coconut milk, then add a lovely citrussy flavour by stirring in the shredded lime leaves (or lime zest). The basil leaves go in next, but only leave them briefly on the heat or they will quickly lose their brightness. Scatter with the lime garnish and serve immediately with boiled rice.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/sstssx1487349585.jpg", - "strTags": "Curry,Mild", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIbKVpBQKJI", - "strIngredient1": "potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "green beans", - "strIngredient3": "sunflower oil", - "strIngredient4": "garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Thai green curry paste", - "strIngredient6": "coconut milk", - "strIngredient7": "Thai fish sauce", - "strIngredient8": "Sugar", - "strIngredient9": "Chicken", - "strIngredient10": "lime", - "strIngredient11": "basil", - "strIngredient12": "Rice", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "225g new", - "strMeasure2": "100g ", - "strMeasure3": "1 tbsp", - "strMeasure4": "1 clove", - "strMeasure5": "4 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "400ml", - "strMeasure7": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure9": "450g boneless", - "strMeasure10": "2 fresh kaffir leaves", - "strMeasure11": "handfull", - "strMeasure12": "Boiled", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/3235/thai-green-chicken-curry", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52822", - "strMeal": "Toad In The Hole", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Preheat the oven to 200\u00b0C/fan180\u00b0C/gas 6. fry sausages in a non-stick pan until browned.\r\nDrizzle vegetable oil in a 30cm x 25cm x 6cm deep roasting tray and heat in the oven for 5 minutes.\r\nPut the plain flour in a bowl, crack in the medium free-range eggs, then stir in the grated horseradish. Gradually beat in the semi-skimmed milk. Season.\r\nPut the sausages into the hot roasting tray and pour over the batter. Top with cherry tomatoes on the vine and cook for 30 minutes until puffed and golden.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ytuvwr1503070420.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1dWkDrC330", - "strIngredient1": "sausages", - "strIngredient2": "vegetable oil", - "strIngredient3": "plain flour", - "strIngredient4": "eggs", - "strIngredient5": "horseradish", - "strIngredient6": "milk", - "strIngredient7": "cherry tomatoes", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "8", - "strMeasure2": "3 tbsp", - "strMeasure3": "100g", - "strMeasure4": "2 medium", - "strMeasure5": "1 tbsp grated", - "strMeasure6": "225ml", - "strMeasure7": "200g", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.deliciousmagazine.co.uk/recipes/georgina-fuggles-horseradish-and-vine-tomato-toad-in-the-hole/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52845", - "strMeal": "Turkey Meatloaf", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Miscellaneous", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 180C/160C fan/gas 4. Heat the oil in a large frying pan and cook the onion for 8-10 mins until softened. Add the garlic, Worcestershire sauce and 2 tsp tomato pur\u00e9e, and stir until combined. Set aside to cool.\r\n\r\nPut the turkey mince, egg, breadcrumbs and cooled onion mix in a large bowl and season well. Mix everything to combine, then shape into a rectangular loaf and place in a large roasting tin. Spread 2 tbsp barbecue sauce over the meatloaf and bake for 30 mins.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, drain 1 can of beans only, then pour both cans into a large bowl. Add the remaining barbecue sauce and tomato pur\u00e9e. Season and set aside.\r\n\r\nWhen the meatloaf has had its initial cooking time, scatter the beans around the outside and bake for 15 mins more until the meatloaf is cooked through and the beans are piping hot. Scatter over the parsley and serve the meatloaf in slices.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ypuxtw1511297463.jpg", - "strTags": "Alcoholic", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTvlmY4vCug", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Worcestershire Sauce", - "strIngredient5": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient6": "Turkey Mince", - "strIngredient7": "Eggs", - "strIngredient8": "Breadcrumbs", - "strIngredient9": "Barbeque Sauce", - "strIngredient10": "Cannellini Beans", - "strIngredient11": "Parsley", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 tblsp ", - "strMeasure2": "1 large", - "strMeasure3": "1 clove peeled crushed", - "strMeasure4": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure5": "3 tsp", - "strMeasure6": "500g", - "strMeasure7": "1 large", - "strMeasure8": "85g", - "strMeasure9": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure10": "800g", - "strMeasure11": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/turkey-meatloaf", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52852", - "strMeal": "Tuna Nicoise", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 200C/fan 180C/gas 6. Toss the potatoes with 2 tsp oil and some seasoning. Tip onto a large baking tray, then roast for 20 mins, stirring halfway, until crisp, golden and cooked through.\r\nMeanwhile, put eggs in a small pan of water, bring to the boil, then simmer for 8-10 mins, depending on how you like them cooked. Plunge into a bowl of cold water to cool for a few mins. Peel away the shells, then cut into halves.\r\nIn a large salad bowl, whisk together the remaining oil, red wine vinegar, capers and chopped tomatoes. Season, tip in the onion, spinach, tuna and potatoes, then gently toss together. Top with the eggs, then serve straight away.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/yypwwq1511304979.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_UAxkx0u6U", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Eggs", - "strIngredient4": "Red Wine Vinegar", - "strIngredient5": "Capers", - "strIngredient6": "Sunflower Oil", - "strIngredient7": "Red Onions", - "strIngredient8": "Spinach", - "strIngredient9": "Tuna", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "450g", - "strMeasure2": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure3": "4", - "strMeasure4": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure5": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure6": "50g", - "strMeasure7": "\u00bd", - "strMeasure8": "100g ", - "strMeasure9": "400g", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/9529/winter-tuna-nioise", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52869", - "strMeal": "Tahini Lentils", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Moroccan", - "strInstructions": "In a jug, mix the tahini with the zest and juice of the lemon and 50ml of cold water to make a runny dressing. Season to taste, then set aside.\r\nHeat the oil in a wok or large frying pan over a medium-high heat. Add the red onion, along with a pinch of salt, and fry for 2 mins until starting to soften and colour. Add the garlic, pepper, green beans and courgette and fry for 5 min, stirring frequently.\r\nTip in the kale, lentils and the tahini dressing. Keep the pan on the heat for a couple of mins, stirring everything together until the kale is wilted and it\u2019s all coated in the creamy dressing.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vpxyqt1511464175.jpg", - "strTags": "Pulse", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kRlmz8pW0I", - "strIngredient1": "Tahini", - "strIngredient2": "Lemon", - "strIngredient3": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Red Onions", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic", - "strIngredient6": "Yellow Pepper", - "strIngredient7": "Green Beans", - "strIngredient8": "Courgettes", - "strIngredient9": "Kale", - "strIngredient10": "Lentils", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "50g", - "strMeasure2": "zest and juice of 1", - "strMeasure3": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure4": "1 chopped", - "strMeasure5": "1 clove peeled crushed", - "strMeasure6": "1 thinly sliced", - "strMeasure7": "200g", - "strMeasure8": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure9": "100g shredded", - "strMeasure10": "250g pack", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/veggie-tahini-lentils", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52882", - "strMeal": "Three Fish Pie", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Preheat the oven to 200C/400F/Gas 6 (180C fan).\r\nPut the potatoes into a saucepan of cold salted water. Bring up to the boil and simmer until completely tender. Drain well and then mash with the butter and milk. Add pepper and taste to check the seasoning. Add salt and more pepper if necessary.\r\nFor the fish filling, melt the butter in a saucepan, add the leeks and stir over the heat. Cover with a lid and simmer gently for 10 minutes, or until soft. Measure the flour into a small bowl. Add the wine and whisk together until smooth.\r\nAdd the milk to the leeks, bring to the boil and then add the wine mixture. Stir briskly until thickened. Season and add the parsley and fish. Stir over the heat for two minutes, then spoon into an ovenproof casserole. Scatter over the eggs. Allow to cool until firm.\r\nSpoon the mashed potatoes over the fish mixture and mark with a fork. Sprinkle with cheese.\r\nBake for 30-40 minutes, or until lightly golden-brown on top and bubbling around the edges.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/spswqs1511558697.jpg", - "strTags": "Fish,Seafood,Dairy,Pie", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ds1Jb8H5Sg8", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Milk", - "strIngredient4": "Gruy\u00e8re", - "strIngredient5": "Butter", - "strIngredient6": "Leek", - "strIngredient7": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient8": "White Wine", - "strIngredient9": "Milk", - "strIngredient10": "Parsley", - "strIngredient11": "Salmon", - "strIngredient12": "Haddock", - "strIngredient13": "Smoked Haddock", - "strIngredient14": "Eggs", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1kg", - "strMeasure2": "Knob", - "strMeasure3": "Dash", - "strMeasure4": "50g", - "strMeasure5": "75g", - "strMeasure6": "2 sliced", - "strMeasure7": "75g", - "strMeasure8": "150ml", - "strMeasure9": "568ml", - "strMeasure10": "2 tbs chopped", - "strMeasure11": "250g", - "strMeasure12": "250g", - "strMeasure13": "250g", - "strMeasure14": "6", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/three_fish_pie_58875", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52892", - "strMeal": "Treacle Tart", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "First make the short crust pastry: measure the flour into a large bowl and rub in the butter with your fingertips until the mixture resembles fine breadcrumbs (alternatively, this can be done in a food processor). Add about three tablespoons of cold water and mix to a firm dough, wrap in cling film and chill in the fridge for about 20 minutes.\r\nPreheat the oven to 200C/400F/Gas 6 and put a heavy baking tray in the oven to heat up. Grease a deep 18cm/7in loose-bottomed fluted flan tin with butter.\r\nRemove about 150g/5\u00bdoz of pastry from the main ball and set aside for the lattice top.\r\nRoll the rest of the pastry out thinly on a lightly floured work surface and line the prepared flan tin with the pastry.\r\nPrick the base with a fork, to stop the base rising up during baking.\r\nPlace the reserved pastry for the lattice top on cling film and roll out thinly. Egg wash the pastry and set aside to chill in the fridge (the cling film makes it easier to move about). Do not cut into strips at this stage. Do not egg wash the strips once they are on the tart as it will drip into the treacle mixture.\r\nTo make the filling, heat the syrup gently in a large pan but do not boil.\r\nOnce melted, add the breadcrumbs, lemon juice and zest to the syrup. (You can add less lemon if you would prefer less citrus taste.) If the mixture looks runny, add a few more breadcrumbs.\r\nPour the syrup mixture into the lined tin and level the surface.\r\nRemove the reserved pastry from the fridge and cut into long strips, 1cm/\u00bdin wide. Make sure they are all longer than the edges of the tart tin.\r\nEgg wash the edge of the pastry in the tin, and start to make the woven laying lattice pattern over the mixture, leave the strips hanging over the edge of the tin.\r\nOnce the lattice is in place, use the tin edge to cut off the strips by pressing down with your hands, creating a neat finish.\r\nBake on the pre-heated baking tray in the hot oven for about 10 minutes until the pastry has started to colour, and then reduce the oven temperature to 180C/350F/Gas 4. If at this stage the lattice seems to be getting too dark brown, cover the tart with tin foil.\r\nBake for a further 25-30 minutes until the pastry is golden-brown and the filling set.\r\nRemove the tart from the oven and leave to firm up in the tin. Serve warm or cold.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wprvrw1511641295.jpg", - "strTags": "Tart", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMmgKCNcqwI", - "strIngredient1": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Butter", - "strIngredient3": "Golden Syrup", - "strIngredient4": "Breadcrumbs", - "strIngredient5": "Lemons", - "strIngredient6": "Eggs", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "250g", - "strMeasure2": "135g", - "strMeasure3": "400g", - "strMeasure4": "150g", - "strMeasure5": "Zest of 2", - "strMeasure6": "1 beaten", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/mary_berrys_treacle_tart_28524", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52909", - "strMeal": "Tarte Tatin", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Roll the pastry to a 3mm-thick round on a lightly floured surface and cut a 24cm circle, using a plate as a guide. Lightly prick all over with a fork, wrap in cling film on a baking sheet and freeze while preparing the apples.\r\nHeat oven to 180C/160C fan/gas 4. Peel, quarter and core the apples. Put the sugar in a flameproof 20cm ceramic Tatin dish or a 20cm ovenproof heavy-based frying pan and place over a medium-high heat. Cook the sugar for 5-7 mins to a dark amber caramel syrup that\u2019s starting to smoke, then turn off the heat and stir in the 60g diced chilled butter.\r\nTo assemble the Tarte Tatin, arrange the apple quarters very tightly in a circle around the edge of the dish first, rounded-side down, then fill in the middle in a similar fashion. Gently press with your hands to ensure there are no gaps. Brush the fruit with the melted butter.\r\nBake in the oven for 30 mins, then remove and place the disc of frozen puff pastry on top \u2013 it will quickly defrost. Tuck the edges down the inside of the dish and, with a knife, prick a few holes in the pastry to allow steam to escape. Bake for a further 40-45 mins until the pastry is golden brown and crisp.\r\nAllow to cool to room temperature for 1 hr before running a knife around the edge of the dish and inverting it onto a large serving plate that is deep enough to contain the juices. Serve with cr\u00e8me fra\u00eeche or vanilla ice cream.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ryspuw1511786688.jpg", - "strTags": "Treat,Tart,Desert,DinnerParty", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xDM8U6h9Pw", - "strIngredient1": "Puff Pastry", - "strIngredient2": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient3": "Braeburn Apples", - "strIngredient4": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient5": "Butter", - "strIngredient6": "Creme Fraiche", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "300g", - "strMeasure2": "Dusting", - "strMeasure3": "6", - "strMeasure4": "100g ", - "strMeasure5": "85g", - "strMeasure6": "to serve", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/tarte-tatin", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52912", - "strMeal": "Three-cheese souffles", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Miscellaneous", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/ gas 6 and butter 4 small (about 200ml) ramekins. Sprinkle the Parmesan into the ramekins, turning until all sides are covered. Place the milk and bay leaves in a large saucepan over a gentle heat and bring to the boil. Turn off the heat and leave to infuse for 15 mins.\r\nDiscard the bay leaves, add the butter and flour, and return to a low heat. Very gently simmer, stirring continuously with a balloon whisk, for about 6 mins until you get a smooth, thick white sauce. Make sure that you get right into the corners of the pan to stop the sauce from catching or becoming lumpy.\r\nOnce thickened, transfer the sauce to a large bowl and stir in the mustard powder, cayenne pepper, Gruy\u00e8re and egg yolks until fully combined.\r\nIn a spotlessly clean bowl and with a clean whisk, beat the egg whites just until peaks begin to form.\r\nCarefully fold the egg whites into the cheese sauce in three stages making sure you fold, rather than stir, to keep the egg whites light and airy. Fill the prepared ramekins with the souffl\u00e9 mix.\r\nTop each souffl\u00e9 with a slice of goat\u2019s cheese, then place on a baking tray. Bake for 20-25 mins or until springy and well risen but cooked through.\r\nLeave to cool, then run a knife around the edge of each dish and remove the souffl\u00e9s. If preparing in advance, place souffl\u00e9s upside down (for neat presentation), on a tray. Cover tray in cling film. Chill for a few days or freeze for up to 1 month.\r\nWhen ready to re-bake, heat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6. Place the upside-down souffl\u00e9s in a shallow baking dish, top with the remaining goat\u2019s cheese slices and pour over the cream (this stops them from drying out when baked for the second time). Cook for 8-10 mins until golden. Serve immediately alongside some simply dressed salad.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/sxwquu1511793428.jpg", - "strTags": "Baking", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mS_gbQpBvZo", - "strIngredient1": "Butter", - "strIngredient2": "Parmesan", - "strIngredient3": "Milk", - "strIngredient4": "Bay Leaves", - "strIngredient5": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient6": "English Mustard", - "strIngredient7": "Cayenne Pepper", - "strIngredient8": "Gruy\u00e8re", - "strIngredient9": "Eggs", - "strIngredient10": "Goats Cheese", - "strIngredient11": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient12": "Spinach", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "50g", - "strMeasure2": "25g", - "strMeasure3": "300ml ", - "strMeasure4": "2", - "strMeasure5": "5 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure7": "Pod of", - "strMeasure8": "140g", - "strMeasure9": "3", - "strMeasure10": "8 slices", - "strMeasure11": "150ml", - "strMeasure12": "to serve", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/3028701/threecheese-souffls", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52926", - "strMeal": "Tourtiere", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "Canadian", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6. Boil the potato until tender, drain and mash, then leave to cool. Heat the oil in a non-stick pan, add the mince and onion and quickly fry until browned. Add the garlic, spices, stock, plenty of pepper and a little salt and mix well. Remove from the heat, stir into the potato and leave to cool.\r\nRoll out half the pastry and line the base of a 20-23cm pie plate or flan tin. Fill with the pork mixture and brush the edges of the pastry with water. Roll out the remaining dough and cover the pie. Press the edges of the pastry to seal, trimming off the excess. Prick the top of the pastry case to allow steam to escape and glaze the top with the beaten egg.\r\nBake for 30 mins until the pastry is crisp and golden. Serve cut into wedges with a crisp green salad. Leftovers are good cold for lunch the next day, served with a selection of pickles.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/ytpstt1511814614.jpg", - "strTags": "Pie,MainMeal,BBQ,Cake", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A96hbwobKKs", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Sunflower Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Minced Pork", - "strIngredient4": "Onion", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient6": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient7": "Allspice", - "strIngredient8": "Nutmeg", - "strIngredient9": "Vegetable Stock", - "strIngredient10": "Shortcrust Pastry", - "strIngredient11": "Egg", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 medium", - "strMeasure2": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure3": "500g", - "strMeasure4": "1 finely chopped ", - "strMeasure5": "1 finely chopped ", - "strMeasure6": "\u00bc tsp", - "strMeasure7": "\u00bc tsp", - "strMeasure8": "\u00bc tsp", - "strMeasure9": "100ml", - "strMeasure10": "400g", - "strMeasure11": "To Glaze", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/531644/spiced-pork-and-potato-pie", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52929", - "strMeal": "Timbits", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "Canadian", - "strInstructions": "Sift together dry ingredients.\r\nMix together wet ingredients and incorporate into dry. Stir until smooth.\r\nDrop by teaspoonfuls(no bigger) into hot oil (365 degrees, no hotter), turning after a few moments until golden brown on all sides.\r\nRemove and drain.\r\nRoll in cinnamon sugar while still warm and serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/txsupu1511815755.jpg", - "strTags": "Snack,Treat", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFLn1h80AGQ", - "strIngredient1": "Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient4": "Salt", - "strIngredient5": "Egg", - "strIngredient6": "Milk", - "strIngredient7": "Oil", - "strIngredient8": "Oil", - "strIngredient9": "Icing Sugar", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure2": "1/3 cup", - "strMeasure3": "3 tsp", - "strMeasure4": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure5": "1 beaten", - "strMeasure6": "\u00be cup", - "strMeasure7": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "for frying", - "strMeasure9": "garnish", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.geniuskitchen.com/recipe/drop-doughnuts-133877", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52970", - "strMeal": "Tunisian Orange Cake", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "Tunisian", - "strInstructions": "Preheat oven to 190 C / Gas 5. Grease a 23cm round springform tin.\r\nCut off the hard bits from the top and bottom of the orange. Slice the orange and remove all seeds. Puree the orange with its peel in a food processor. Add one third of the sugar and the olive oil and continue to mix until well combined.\r\nSieve together flour and baking powder.\r\nBeat the eggs and the remaining sugar with an electric hand mixer for at least five minutes until very fluffy. Fold in half of the flour mixture, then the orange and the vanilla, then fold in the remaining flour. Mix well but not for too long.\r\nPour cake mixture into prepared tin and smooth out. Bake in preheated oven for 20 minutes. Reduce the oven temperature to 160 C / Gas 2 and bake again for 30 minutes Bake until the cake is golden brown and a skewer comes out clean. Cool on a wire cake rack.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/y4jpgq1560459207.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCUxg866Ea4", - "strIngredient1": "Orange", - "strIngredient2": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient4": "Flour", - "strIngredient5": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient6": "Eggs", - "strIngredient7": "Vanilla Extract", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 large", - "strMeasure2": "300g", - "strMeasure3": "75 ml ", - "strMeasure4": "280g", - "strMeasure5": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "4 large", - "strMeasure7": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/16067/tunisian-orange-cake.aspx", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52972", - "strMeal": "Tunisian Lamb Soup", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Lamb", - "strArea": "Tunisian", - "strInstructions": "Add the lamb to a casserole and cook over high heat. When browned, remove from the heat and set aside.\r\nKeep a tablespoon of fat in the casserole and discard the rest. Reduce to medium heat then add the garlic, onion and spinach and cook until the onion is translucent and the spinach wilted or about 5 minutes.\r\nReturn the lamb to the casserole with the onion-spinach mixture, add the tomato puree, cumin, harissa, chicken, chickpeas, lemon juice, salt and pepper in the pan. Simmer over low heat for about 20 minutes.\r\nAdd the pasta and cook for 15 minutes or until pasta is cooked.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/t8mn9g1560460231.jpg", - "strTags": "Soup", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1qgTQmLRe4", - "strIngredient1": "Lamb Mince", - "strIngredient2": "Garlic", - "strIngredient3": "Onion", - "strIngredient4": "Spinach", - "strIngredient5": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient6": "Cumin", - "strIngredient7": "Chicken Stock", - "strIngredient8": "Harissa Spice", - "strIngredient9": "Chickpeas", - "strIngredient10": "Lemon Juice", - "strIngredient11": "Macaroni", - "strIngredient12": "Salt", - "strIngredient13": "Pepper", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "500g", - "strMeasure2": "2 cloves minced", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "300g", - "strMeasure5": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "1 Litre", - "strMeasure8": "3 tsp", - "strMeasure9": "400g", - "strMeasure10": "1/2 ", - "strMeasure11": "150g", - "strMeasure12": "Pinch", - "strMeasure13": "Pinch", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/16694/tunisian-lamb-soup.aspx", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52975", - "strMeal": "Tuna and Egg Briks", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Seafood", - "strArea": "Tunisian", - "strInstructions": "Heat 2 tsp of the oil in a large saucepan and cook the spring onions over a low heat for 3 minutes or until beginning to soften. Add the spinach, cover with a tight-fitting lid and cook for a further 2\u20133 minutes or until tender and wilted, stirring once or twice. Tip the mixture into a sieve or colander and leave to drain and cool.\r\nUsing a saucer as a guide, cut out 24 rounds about 12.5 cm (5 in) in diameter from the filo pastry, cutting 6 rounds from each sheet. Stack the filo rounds in a pile, then cover with cling film to prevent them from drying out.\r\nWhen the spinach mixture is cool, squeeze out as much excess liquid as possible, then transfer to a bowl. Add the tuna, eggs, hot pepper sauce, and salt and pepper to taste. Mix well.\r\nPreheat the oven to 200\u00b0C (400\u00b0F, gas mark 6). Take one filo round and very lightly brush with some of the remaining oil. Top with a second round and brush with a little oil, then place a third round on top and brush with oil.\r\nPlace a heaped tbsp of the filling in the middle of the round, then fold the pastry over to make a half-moon shape. Fold in the edges, twisting them to seal, and place on a non-stick baking sheet. Repeat with the remaining pastry and filling to make 8 briks in all.\r\nLightly brush the briks with the remaining oil. Bake for 12\u201315 minutes or until the pastry is crisp and golden brown.\r\nMeanwhile, combine the tomatoes and cucumber in a bowl and sprinkle with the lemon juice and seasoning to taste. Serve the briks hot with this salad and the chutney.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/2dsltq1560461468.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5n1fN8TGHs", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient3": "Spinach", - "strIngredient4": "Filo Pastry", - "strIngredient5": "Tuna", - "strIngredient6": "Eggs", - "strIngredient7": "Hotsauce", - "strIngredient8": "Tomatoes", - "strIngredient9": "Cucumber", - "strIngredient10": "Lemon Juice", - "strIngredient11": "Apricot Jam", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure2": "8", - "strMeasure3": "200g", - "strMeasure4": "4", - "strMeasure5": "1 can ", - "strMeasure6": "2", - "strMeasure7": "Dash", - "strMeasure8": "4 Chopped", - "strMeasure9": "1/4 ", - "strMeasure10": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure11": "4 tbs", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/3096/tunisian-tuna-and-egg-briks.aspx", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53026", - "strMeal": "Tamiya", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Egyptian", - "strInstructions": "oak the beans in water to cover overnight.Drain. If skinless beans are unavailable, rub to loosen the skins, then discard the skins. Pat the beans dry with a towel.\r\nGrind the beans in a food mill or meat grinder.If neither appliance is available, process them in a food processor but only until the beans form a paste. (If blended too smoothly, the batter tends to fall apart during cooking.) Add the scallions, garlic, cilantro, cumin, baking powder, cayenne, salt, pepper, and coriander, if using. Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.\r\nShape the bean mixture into 1-inch balls.Flatten slightly and coat with flour.\r\nHeat at least 1\u00bd-inches of oil over medium heat to 365 degrees.\r\nFry the patties in batches, turning once, until golden brown on all sides, about 5 minutes.Remove with a wire mesh skimmer or slotted spoon. Serve as part of a meze or in pita bread with tomato-cucumber salad and tahina sauce.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/n3xxd91598732796.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mulqW-J3Yy4", - "strIngredient1": "Broad Beans", - "strIngredient2": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient4": "Parsley", - "strIngredient5": "Cumin", - "strIngredient6": "Baking Powder", - "strIngredient7": "Cayenne Pepper", - "strIngredient8": "Flour", - "strIngredient9": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "3 cups ", - "strMeasure2": "6", - "strMeasure3": "4", - "strMeasure4": "1/4 cup", - "strMeasure5": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure6": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure7": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "Spinkling", - "strMeasure9": "As required", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://oukosher.org/recipes/tamiya-egyptian-dried-fava-bean-fritters/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53032", - "strMeal": "Tonkatsu pork", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "Japanese", - "strInstructions": "STEP 1\r\nRemove the large piece of fat on the edge of each pork loin, then bash each of the loins between two pieces of baking parchment until around 1cm in thickness \u2013 you can do this using a meat tenderiser or a rolling pin. Once bashed, use your hands to reshape the meat to its original shape and thickness \u2013 this step will ensure the meat is as succulent as possible.\r\n\r\nSTEP 2\r\nPut the flour, eggs and panko breadcrumbs into three separate wide-rimmed bowls. Season the meat, then dip first in the flour, followed by the eggs, then the breadcrumbs.\r\n\r\nSTEP 3\r\nIn a large frying or saute\u0301 pan, add enough oil to come 2cm up the side of the pan. Heat the oil to 180C \u2013 if you don\u2019t have a thermometer, drop a bit of panko into the oil and if it sinks a little then starts to fry, the oil is ready. Add two pork chops and cook for 1 min 30 secs on each side, then remove and leave to rest on a wire rack for 5 mins. Repeat with the remaining pork chops.\r\n\r\nSTEP 4\r\nWhile the pork is resting, make the sauce by whisking the ingredients together, adding a splash of water if it\u2019s particularly thick. Slice the tonkatsu and serve drizzled with the sauce.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/lwsnkl1604181187.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aASr5x0d3Ys", - "strIngredient1": "Pork Chops", - "strIngredient2": "Flour", - "strIngredient3": "Eggs", - "strIngredient4": "Breadcrumbs", - "strIngredient5": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient6": "Tomato Ketchup", - "strIngredient7": "Worcestershire Sauce", - "strIngredient8": "Oyster Sauce", - "strIngredient9": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4", - "strMeasure2": "100g ", - "strMeasure3": "2 Beaten ", - "strMeasure4": "100g ", - "strMeasure5": "Fry", - "strMeasure6": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure7": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure8": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "2 tblsp ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/tonkatsu-pork", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53057", - "strMeal": "Traditional Croatian Goulash", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Croatian", - "strInstructions": "Clean the meat from the veins if there are some and cut it into smaller pieces, 3 \u00d7 3 cm. Marinate the meat in the mustard and spices and let it sit in the refrigerator for one hour\r\nHeat one tablespoon of pork fat or vegetable oil in a pot and fry the meat on all sides until it gets browned. Once the meat is cooked, transfer it to a plate and add another tablespoon of fat to the pot\r\nCut the onions very fine, peel the carrots and shred it using a grater. Cook the onions and carrots over low heat for 15 minutes. You can salt the vegetables a little to make them soften faster\r\nOnce the vegetables have browned and become slightly mushy, add the meat and bay leaves and garlic. Pour over with wine and simmer for 10-15 minutes to allow the alcohol to evaporate. Now is the right time to add 2/3 the amount of liquid\r\nCover the pot and cook over low heat for an hour, stirring occasionally. After the first hour, pour over the rest of the water or stock and cook for another 30-45 minutes\r\nAllow the stew to cool slightly and serve it with a sprinkle of chopped parsley and few slices of fresh hot pepper if you like to spice it up a bit\r\nSlice \u200b\u200bsome fresh bread, season the salad and simply enjoying these wonderful flavors", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/n1hcou1628770088.jpg", - "strTags": "Soup", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipEz5u2T7KM", - "strIngredient1": "Beef", - "strIngredient2": "Onions", - "strIngredient3": "Carrots", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Bay Leaf", - "strIngredient6": "Red Wine", - "strIngredient7": "Water", - "strIngredient8": "Mustard", - "strIngredient9": "Salt", - "strIngredient10": "Pepper", - "strIngredient11": "Paprika", - "strIngredient12": "Vegetable Oil", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "500g", - "strMeasure2": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure3": "2 chopped", - "strMeasure4": "2 cloves", - "strMeasure5": "2", - "strMeasure6": "200ml", - "strMeasure7": "2 Litres", - "strMeasure8": "3 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "1tbsp", - "strMeasure10": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure11": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure12": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.chasingthedonkey.com/croatian-recipes-traditional-croatian-goulash/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53075", - "strMeal": "Tortang Talong", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Filipino", - "strInstructions": "0.\tGrill the eggplant until the color of skin turns almost black\r\n1.\tLet the eggplant cool for a while then peel off the skin. Set aside.\r\n2.\tCrack the eggs and place in a bowl\r\n3.\tAdd salt and beat\r\n4.\tPlace the eggplant on a flat surface and flatten using a fork.\r\n5.\tDip the flattened eggplant in the beaten egg mixture\r\n6.\tHeat the pan and pour the cooking oil\r\n7.\tFry the eggplant (that was dipped in the beaten mixture). Make sure that both sides are cooked. Frying time will take you about 3 to 4 minutes per side on medium heat. \r\n", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/va668f1683209318.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLl8ekOu1MM", - "strIngredient1": "Egg Plants", - "strIngredient2": "Eggs", - "strIngredient3": "Salt", - "strIngredient4": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient5": "", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "4", - "strMeasure2": "2", - "strMeasure3": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure4": "4 tsp", - "strMeasure5": " ", - "strMeasure6": " ", - "strMeasure7": " ", - "strMeasure8": " ", - "strMeasure9": " ", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": " ", - "strMeasure13": " ", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.sainsburysmagazine.co.uk/recipes/mains/tortang-talong", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": null - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52775", - "strMeal": "Vegan Lasagna", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegan", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "1) Preheat oven to 180 degrees celcius. \r\n2) Boil vegetables for 5-7 minutes, until soft. Add lentils and bring to a gentle simmer, adding a stock cube if desired. Continue cooking and stirring until the lentils are soft, which should take about 20 minutes. \r\n3) Blanch spinach leaves for a few minutes in a pan, before removing and setting aside. \r\n4) Top up the pan with water and cook the lasagne sheets. When cooked, drain and set aside.\r\n5) To make the sauce, melt the butter and add the flour, then gradually add the soya milk along with the mustard and the vinegar. Cook and stir until smooth and then assemble the lasagne as desired in a baking dish. \r\n6) Bake in the preheated oven for about 25 minutes.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/rvxxuy1468312893.jpg", - "strTags": "Vegan,Pasta", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VU8cXvlGbvc", - "strIngredient1": "green red lentils", - "strIngredient2": "carrot", - "strIngredient3": "onion", - "strIngredient4": "zucchini", - "strIngredient5": "coriander", - "strIngredient6": "spinach", - "strIngredient7": "lasagne sheets", - "strIngredient8": "vegan butter", - "strIngredient9": "flour", - "strIngredient10": "soya milk", - "strIngredient11": "mustard", - "strIngredient12": "vinegar", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": null, - "strIngredient17": null, - "strIngredient18": null, - "strIngredient19": null, - "strIngredient20": null, - "strMeasure1": "1 cups", - "strMeasure2": "1", - "strMeasure3": "1", - "strMeasure4": "1 small", - "strMeasure5": "sprinking", - "strMeasure6": "150g", - "strMeasure7": "10", - "strMeasure8": "35g", - "strMeasure9": "4 tablespoons", - "strMeasure10": "300ml", - "strMeasure11": "1.5 teaspoons", - "strMeasure12": "1 teaspoon", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": null, - "strMeasure17": null, - "strMeasure18": null, - "strMeasure19": null, - "strMeasure20": null, - "strSource": null, - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52794", - "strMeal": "Vegan Chocolate Cake", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegan", - "strArea": "American", - "strInstructions": "Simply mix all dry ingredients with wet ingredients and blend altogether. Bake for 45 min on 180 degrees. Decorate with some melted vegan chocolate ", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qxutws1486978099.jpg", - "strTags": "Vegan,Chocolate,Cake", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3pAgB7pync", - "strIngredient1": "self raising flour", - "strIngredient2": "coco sugar", - "strIngredient3": "cacao", - "strIngredient4": "baking powder", - "strIngredient5": "flax eggs", - "strIngredient6": "almond milk", - "strIngredient7": "vanilla", - "strIngredient8": "water", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 1/4 cup", - "strMeasure2": "1/2 cup", - "strMeasure3": "1/3 cup raw", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure5": "2", - "strMeasure6": "1/2 cup", - "strMeasure7": "1 tsp", - "strMeasure8": "1/2 cup boiling", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52828", - "strMeal": "Vietnamese Grilled Pork (bun-thit-nuong)", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "Vietnamese", - "strInstructions": "Slice the uncooked pork thinly, about \u215b\". It helps to slightly freeze it (optional).\r\nMince garlic and shallots. Mix in a bowl with sugar, fish sauce, thick soy sauce, pepper, and oil until sugar dissolves.\r\nMarinate the meat for 1 hour, or overnight for better results.\r\nBake the pork at 375F for 10-15 minutes or until about 80% cooked. Finish cooking by broiling in the oven until a nice golden brown color develops, flipping the pieces midway.\r\nAssemble your bowl with veggies, noodles, and garnish. Many like to mix the whole bowl up and pour the fish sauce on top, but I like to make individual bites and sauce it slowly.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qqwypw1504642429.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3qcQcENzbU", - "strIngredient1": "Pork", - "strIngredient2": "Rice Vermicelli", - "strIngredient3": "Egg Rolls", - "strIngredient4": "Challots", - "strIngredient5": "Garlic", - "strIngredient6": "Sugar", - "strIngredient7": "Fish Sauce", - "strIngredient8": "Soy sauce", - "strIngredient9": "Pepper", - "strIngredient10": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient11": "Cucumber", - "strIngredient12": "Mint", - "strIngredient13": "Peanuts", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1.5 pounds sliced", - "strMeasure2": "1 package thin", - "strMeasure3": "4-6", - "strMeasure4": "3 tablespoons minced", - "strMeasure5": "1.5 tablespoons minced garlic", - "strMeasure6": "\u00bc cup", - "strMeasure7": "1 tablespoon", - "strMeasure8": "\u00bd tablespoon thick", - "strMeasure9": "\u00bd tablespoon", - "strMeasure10": "3 tablespoons", - "strMeasure11": "Sliced", - "strMeasure12": "Leaves", - "strMeasure13": "Crushed", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.hungryhuy.com/bun-thit-nuong-recipe-vietnamese-grilled-bbq-pork-with-rice-vermicelli-vegetables/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52838", - "strMeal": "Venetian Duck Ragu", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pasta", - "strArea": "Italian", - "strInstructions": "Heat the oil in a large pan. Add the duck legs and brown on all sides for about 10 mins. Remove to a plate and set aside. Add the onions to the pan and cook for 5 mins until softened. Add the garlic and cook for a further 1 min, then stir in the cinnamon and flour and cook for a further min. Return the duck to the pan, add the wine, tomatoes, stock, herbs, sugar and seasoning. Bring to a simmer, then lower the heat, cover with a lid and cook for 2 hrs, stirring every now and then.\r\nCarefully lift the duck legs out of the sauce and place on a plate \u2013 they will be very tender so try not to lose any of the meat. Pull off and discard the fat, then shred the meat with 2 forks and discard the bones. Add the meat back to the sauce with the milk and simmer, uncovered, for a further 10-15 mins while you cook the pasta.\r\nCook the pasta following pack instructions, then drain, reserving a cup of the pasta water, and add the pasta to the ragu. Stir to coat all the pasta in the sauce and cook for 1 min more, adding a splash of cooking liquid if it looks dry. Serve with grated Parmesan, if you like.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/qvrwpt1511181864.jpg", - "strTags": null, - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWQDVgjB_Lw", - "strIngredient1": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Duck Legs", - "strIngredient3": "Onions", - "strIngredient4": "Garlic", - "strIngredient5": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient6": "Plain Flour", - "strIngredient7": "Red Wine", - "strIngredient8": "Chopped Tomatoes", - "strIngredient9": "Chicken Stock Cube", - "strIngredient10": "Rosemary", - "strIngredient11": "Bay Leaves", - "strIngredient12": "Sugar", - "strIngredient13": "Milk", - "strIngredient14": "Paccheri Pasta", - "strIngredient15": "Parmesan Cheese", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1 tbls", - "strMeasure2": "4", - "strMeasure3": "2 finely chopped", - "strMeasure4": "2 cloves minced", - "strMeasure5": "2 tsp ground", - "strMeasure6": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure7": "250ml", - "strMeasure8": "800g", - "strMeasure9": "1", - "strMeasure10": "3 sprigs", - "strMeasure11": "2", - "strMeasure12": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure13": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure14": "600g", - "strMeasure15": "Grated", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/venetian-duck-ragu", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52863", - "strMeal": "Vegetarian Casserole", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Heat the oil in a large, heavy-based pan. Add the onions and cook gently for 5 \u2013 10 mins until softened.\r\nAdd the garlic, spices, dried thyme, carrots, celery and peppers and cook for 5 minutes.\r\nAdd the tomatoes, stock, courgettes and fresh thyme and cook for 20 - 25 minutes.\r\nTake out the thyme sprigs. Stir in the lentils and bring back to a simmer. Serve with wild and white basmati rice, mash or quinoa.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/vptwyt1511450962.jpg", - "strTags": "Casserole,Vegetarian", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHmKE9mWtWM", - "strIngredient1": "Rapeseed Oil", - "strIngredient2": "Onion", - "strIngredient3": "Garlic", - "strIngredient4": "Paprika", - "strIngredient5": "Cumin", - "strIngredient6": "Thyme", - "strIngredient7": "Carrots", - "strIngredient8": "Celery", - "strIngredient9": "Red Pepper", - "strIngredient10": "Yellow Pepper", - "strIngredient11": "Tomato", - "strIngredient12": "Vegetable Stock Cube", - "strIngredient13": "Courgettes", - "strIngredient14": "Thyme", - "strIngredient15": "Lentils", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1", - "strMeasure2": "1", - "strMeasure3": "3 cloves", - "strMeasure4": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure5": "\u00bd tsp", - "strMeasure6": "1 tblsp ", - "strMeasure7": "3 Medium", - "strMeasure8": "2 small stalks", - "strMeasure9": "1", - "strMeasure10": "1", - "strMeasure11": "2 x 400g tins", - "strMeasure12": "250ml", - "strMeasure13": "2 sliced", - "strMeasure14": "2 sprigs", - "strMeasure15": "250g", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1993645/vegetarian-casserole", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52867", - "strMeal": "Vegetarian Chilli", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "British", - "strInstructions": "Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/ gas 6. Cook the vegetables in a casserole dish for 15 mins. Tip in the beans and tomatoes, season, and cook for another 10-15 mins until piping hot. Heat the pouch in the microwave on High for 1 min and serve with the chilli.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wqurxy1511453156.jpg", - "strTags": "Chilli", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0bFRVH_EqU", - "strIngredient1": "Roasted Vegetables", - "strIngredient2": "Kidney Beans", - "strIngredient3": "Chopped Tomatoes", - "strIngredient4": "Mixed Grain", - "strIngredient5": "", - "strIngredient6": "", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "400g", - "strMeasure2": "1 can ", - "strMeasure3": "1 can ", - "strMeasure4": "1 Packet", - "strMeasure5": "", - "strMeasure6": "", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/veggie-chilli", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53000", - "strMeal": "Vegetable Shepherd's Pie", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Beef", - "strArea": "Irish", - "strInstructions": "Add Ingredients:\r\n\r\n12 cups chopped mixed vegetables\r\n1 cup chopped fresh mushrooms \r\n1 cup pearl onions\r\n\r\nTOPPING:\r\n\r\nPreheat oven to 450\u00b0. Bake potatoes on a foil-lined baking sheet until tender, about 45 minutes. Let cool slightly, then peel. Press potatoes through a ricer, food mill, or colander into a large bowl. Add butter; stir until well blended. Stir in milk. Season to taste with salt.\r\n\r\nFILLING:\r\n\r\nSoak dried porcini in 3 cups hot water; set aside. Combine lentils, 1 garlic clove, 1 tsp. salt, and 4 cups water in a medium saucepan. Bring to a boil; reduce heat and simmer, stirring occasionally, until lentils are tender but not mushy, 15\u201320 minutes. Drain lentils and discard garlic.\r\n\r\nHeat 3 Tbsp. oil in a large heavy pot over medium heat. Add onions and cook, stirring occasionally, until soft, about 12 minutes. Add chopped garlic and cook for 1 minute. Stir in tomato paste. Cook, stirring constantly, until tomato paste is caramelized, 2\u20133 minutes.\r\n\r\nAdd bay leaves and wine; stir, scraping up any browned bits. Stir in porcini, slowly pouring porcini soaking liquid into pan but leaving any sediment behind. Bring to a simmer and cook until liquid is reduced by half, about 10 minutes. Stir in broth and cook, stirring occasionally, until reduced by half, about 45 minutes.\r\n\r\nStrain mixture into a large saucepan and bring to a boil; discard solids in strainer. Stir cornstarch and 2 Tbsp. water in a small bowl to dissolve. Add cornstarch mixture; simmer until thickened, about 5 minutes. Whisk in miso. Season sauce with salt and pepper. Set aside.\r\n\r\nPreheat oven to 450\u00b0. Toss vegetables and pearl onions with remaining 2 Tbsp. oil, 5 garlic cloves, and rosemary sprigs in a large bowl; season with salt and pepper. Divide between 2 rimmed baking sheets. Roast, stirring once, until tender, 20\u201325 minutes. Transfer garlic cloves to a small bowl; mash well with a fork and stir into sauce. Discard rosemary. DO AHEAD: Lentils, sauce, and vegetables can be made 1 day ahead. Cover separately; chill.\r\nArrange lentils in an even layer in a 3-qt. baking dish; set dish on a foil-lined rimmed baking sheet. Toss roasted vegetables with fresh mushrooms and chopped herbs; layer on top of lentils. Pour sauce over vegetables. Spoon potato mixture evenly over.\r\n\r\nBake until browned and bubbly, about 30 minutes. Let stand for 15 minutes before serving.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/w8umt11583268117.jpg", - "strTags": "Alcoholic", - "strYoutube": "", - "strIngredient1": "Potatoes", - "strIngredient2": "Small Potatoes", - "strIngredient3": "Salted Butter", - "strIngredient4": "Mushrooms", - "strIngredient5": "Brown Lentils", - "strIngredient6": "Garlic", - "strIngredient7": "Kosher Salt", - "strIngredient8": "Onion", - "strIngredient9": "Tomato Puree", - "strIngredient10": "Bay Leaves", - "strIngredient11": "Olive Oil", - "strIngredient12": "Dry White Wine", - "strIngredient13": "Vegetable Stock", - "strIngredient14": "Cornstarch", - "strIngredient15": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient16": "Rosemary", - "strIngredient17": "Parsley", - "strIngredient18": "Sage", - "strIngredient19": "Chives", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "3 Lbs", - "strMeasure2": "3 Lbs", - "strMeasure3": "1/2 cup ", - "strMeasure4": "1 oz ", - "strMeasure5": "3/4 cup ", - "strMeasure6": "6 cloves", - "strMeasure7": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure8": "3 cups ", - "strMeasure9": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure10": " ", - "strMeasure11": " ", - "strMeasure12": "2 cups ", - "strMeasure13": "8 cups ", - "strMeasure14": "2 tbsp", - "strMeasure15": "2 tsp", - "strMeasure16": "2 sprigs", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52917", - "strMeal": "White chocolate creme brulee", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "French", - "strInstructions": "Heat the cream, chocolate and vanilla pod in a pan until the chocolate has melted. Take off the heat and allow to infuse for 10 mins, scraping the pod seeds into the cream. If using the vanilla extract, add straight away. Heat oven to 160C/fan 140C/gas 3.\r\nBeat yolks and sugar until pale. stir in the chocolate cream. Strain into a jug and pour into ramekins. Place in a deep roasting tray and pour boiling water halfway up the sides. Bake for 15-20 mins until just set with a wobbly centre. Chill in the fridge for at least 4 hrs.\r\nTo serve, sprinkle some sugar on top of the br\u00fbl\u00e9es and caramelise with a blowtorch or briefly under a hot grill. Leave caramel to harden, then serve.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/uryqru1511798039.jpg", - "strTags": "Desert,DinnerParty,Pudding", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmJ0lsPLHDc", - "strIngredient1": "Double Cream", - "strIngredient2": "White Chocolate Chips", - "strIngredient3": "Vanilla", - "strIngredient4": "Egg Yolks", - "strIngredient5": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient6": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient7": "", - "strIngredient8": "", - "strIngredient9": "", - "strIngredient10": "", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "568ml", - "strMeasure2": "100g ", - "strMeasure3": "Pod of", - "strMeasure4": "6", - "strMeasure5": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure6": "Top", - "strMeasure7": "", - "strMeasure8": "", - "strMeasure9": "", - "strMeasure10": "", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2540/white-chocolate-crme-brle", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "52948", - "strMeal": "Wontons", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Pork", - "strArea": "Chinese", - "strInstructions": "Combine pork, garlic, ginger, soy sauce, sesame oil, and vegetables in a bowl.\r\nSeparate wonton skins.\r\nPlace a heaping teaspoon of filling in the center of the wonton.\r\nBrush water on 2 borders of the skin, covering 1/4 inch from the edge.\r\nFold skin over to form a triangle, sealing edges.\r\nPinch the two long outside points together.\r\nHeat oil to 450 degrees and fry 4 to 5 at a time until golden.\r\nDrain and serve with sauce.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/1525876468.jpg", - "strTags": "MainMeal", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9h9No18ZyCI", - "strIngredient1": "Pork", - "strIngredient2": "Garlic Clove", - "strIngredient3": "Ginger", - "strIngredient4": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient5": "Sesame Seed Oil", - "strIngredient6": "Carrots", - "strIngredient7": "Celery", - "strIngredient8": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient9": "Wonton Skin", - "strIngredient10": "Oil", - "strIngredient11": "Water", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "1lb", - "strMeasure2": "3 chopped", - "strMeasure3": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure4": "1 tbs", - "strMeasure5": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure6": "3 finely chopped", - "strMeasure7": "3 finely chopped", - "strMeasure8": "6 chopped", - "strMeasure9": "1 Packet", - "strMeasure10": "Fry", - "strMeasure11": "Bottle", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "http://www.geniuskitchen.com/recipe/chinese-wontons-20235", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - }, - { - "idMeal": "53062", - "strMeal": "Walnut Roll Gu\u017evara", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Dessert", - "strArea": "Croatian", - "strInstructions": "Mix all the ingredients for the dough together and knead well. Cover the dough and put to rise until doubled in size which should take about 2 hours. Knock back the dough and knead lightly.\r\n\r\nDivide the dough into two equal pieces; roll each piece into an oblong about 12 inches by 8 inches. Mix the filling ingredients together and divide between the dough, spreading over each piece. Roll up the oblongs as tightly as possible to give two 12 inch sausages. Place these side by side, touching each other, on a greased baking sheet. Cover and leave to rise for about 40 minutes. Heat oven to 200\u00baC (425\u00baF). Bake for 30-35 minutes until well risen and golden brown. Bread should sound hollow when the base is tapped.\r\n\r\nRemove from oven and brush the hot bread top with milk. Sift with a generous covering of icing sugar.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/u9l7k81628771647.jpg", - "strTags": "Nutty", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_akngSJVrQ", - "strIngredient1": "Flour", - "strIngredient2": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient3": "Yeast", - "strIngredient4": "Salt", - "strIngredient5": "Milk", - "strIngredient6": "Eggs", - "strIngredient7": "Butter", - "strIngredient8": "Walnuts", - "strIngredient9": "Butter", - "strIngredient10": "Brown Sugar", - "strIngredient11": "Cinnamon", - "strIngredient12": "Milk", - "strIngredient13": "Icing Sugar", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "450g", - "strMeasure2": "55g", - "strMeasure3": "2 parts ", - "strMeasure4": "1/2 tsp", - "strMeasure5": "6 oz ", - "strMeasure6": "2 Beaten ", - "strMeasure7": "30g", - "strMeasure8": "140g", - "strMeasure9": "85g", - "strMeasure10": "85g", - "strMeasure11": "1 tsp ", - "strMeasure12": "To Glaze", - "strMeasure13": "To Glaze", - "strMeasure14": " ", - "strMeasure15": " ", - "strMeasure16": " ", - "strMeasure17": " ", - "strMeasure18": " ", - "strMeasure19": " ", - "strMeasure20": " ", - "strSource": "https://www.visit-croatia.co.uk/croatian-cuisine/croatian-recipes/", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": null - }, - { - "meals": [ - { - "idMeal": "52871", - "strMeal": "Yaki Udon", - "strDrinkAlternate": null, - "strCategory": "Vegetarian", - "strArea": "Japanese", - "strInstructions": "Boil some water in a large saucepan. Add 250ml cold water and the udon noodles. (As they are so thick, adding cold water helps them to cook a little bit slower so the middle cooks through). If using frozen or fresh noodles, cook for 2 mins or until al dente; dried will take longer, about 5-6 mins. Drain and leave in the colander.\r\nHeat 1 tbsp of the oil, add the onion and cabbage and saut\u00e9 for 5 mins until softened. Add the mushrooms and some spring onions, and saut\u00e9 for 1 more min. Pour in the remaining sesame oil and the noodles. If using cold noodles, let them heat through before adding the ingredients for the sauce \u2013 otherwise tip in straight away and keep stir-frying until sticky and piping hot. Sprinkle with the remaining spring onions.", - "strMealThumb": "https://www.themealdb.com/images/media/meals/wrustq1511475474.jpg", - "strTags": "LowCalorie", - "strYoutube": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Iy0MCowSvA", - "strIngredient1": "Udon Noodles", - "strIngredient2": "Sesame Seed Oil", - "strIngredient3": "Onion", - "strIngredient4": "Cabbage", - "strIngredient5": "Shiitake Mushrooms", - "strIngredient6": "Spring Onions", - "strIngredient7": "Mirin", - "strIngredient8": "Soy Sauce", - "strIngredient9": "Caster Sugar", - "strIngredient10": "Worcestershire Sauce", - "strIngredient11": "", - "strIngredient12": "", - "strIngredient13": "", - "strIngredient14": "", - "strIngredient15": "", - "strIngredient16": "", - "strIngredient17": "", - "strIngredient18": "", - "strIngredient19": "", - "strIngredient20": "", - "strMeasure1": "250g", - "strMeasure2": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure3": "1 sliced", - "strMeasure4": "0.25", - "strMeasure5": "10", - "strMeasure6": "4", - "strMeasure7": "4 tbsp", - "strMeasure8": "2 tbs", - "strMeasure9": "1 tblsp ", - "strMeasure10": "1 tblsp ", - "strMeasure11": "", - "strMeasure12": "", - "strMeasure13": "", - "strMeasure14": "", - "strMeasure15": "", - "strMeasure16": "", - "strMeasure17": "", - "strMeasure18": "", - "strMeasure19": "", - "strMeasure20": "", - "strSource": "https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/yaki-udon", - "strImageSource": null, - "strCreativeCommonsConfirmed": null, - "dateModified": null - } - ] - }, - { - "meals": null - } -] \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/datasets/rememberTrainingData.csv b/data/datasets/rememberTrainingData.csv deleted file mode 100644 index a07c899..0000000 --- a/data/datasets/rememberTrainingData.csv +++ /dev/null @@ -1,39 +0,0 @@ -memory,keyword -I put my keys in the fridge,item location -I have already fed my dog,completed acheivement -respond to an important email,respond -I need to email someone,respond -I need to Whatsapp person,respond -I need to contact someone,respond -call mum on her birthday,call -call dad later,call -check email,check email -check Whatsapp,check email -check messages,check email -check for important emails,check emails -pick milk up on my way home,buy item -purchase item from shop,buy item -lock front door before leaving,lock before leaving -turn stove off after leaving,turn off -pay my bills before it's too late,pay bills -take out trash,rubbish out -take out rubbish,rubbish out -set reminder for meeting,set -charge phone before leaving,charge phone -drink water,water -I need to drink water,water -drink more water,water -stay hydrated throughout the day,water -I need to take breaks,break -Take bags when I go shopping,bags shopping -I need to refill prescription before it runs out,prescription -check all windows are closed before leaving,close windows -I need to return item,return item -check if I have my keys,check keys -I need to turn off all electronics,turn off -Need to bring my wallet with me,check wallet -I need to attend to my pets before leaving,attend to pets -I need to attend to my dog before leaving,attend to pets -I need to feed dog,attend to pets -I need to feed cat,attend to pets -I need to brush dog,attend to pets \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/datasets/responses.csv b/data/datasets/responses.csv deleted file mode 100644 index 65238d5..0000000 --- a/data/datasets/responses.csv +++ /dev/null @@ -1,140 +0,0 @@ -ET,context,response 1,response 2,response 3,response 4,response 5,response 6,response 7,response 8,response 9,response 10,response 11,response 12,response 13,response 14,response 15,response 16,response 17,response 18,response 19,response 20 -morning greeting,how are you,"Good morning , how are you this morning?","Hello , good morning. How are you today?","Hi , good morning. How are you today?","Hey there , good morning. How are you today?","Hey , good morning. How are you today?","Greetings , good morning. How are you today?","Good morning , how are you doing today?","Hello , how are you today?","Hi , how are you today?","Hey there , how are you today?","Hey , how are you today?","Greetings , how are you today?","Hello , how are you doing today?","Hi , how are you doing today?","Hey there , how are you doing today?","Hey , how are you doing today?","Greetings , how are you doing today?", -afternoon greeting,how are you,"Good afternoon , how are you this afternoon?","Hello , good afternoon. How are you today?","Hi , good afternoon. How are you today?","Hey there , good afternoon. How are you today?","Hey , good afternoon. How are you today?","Greetings , good afternoon. How are you today?","Good afternoon , how are you doing today?","Hello , how are you today?","Hi , how are you today?","Hey there , how are you today?","Hey , how are you today?","Greetings , how are you today?","Hello , how are you doing today?","Hi , how are you doing today?","Hey there , how are you doing today?","Hey , how are you doing today?","Greetings , how are you doing today?", -evening greeting,how are you,"Good evening , how are you this evening?","Hello , good evening. How are you today?","Hi , good evening. How are you today?","Hey there , good evening. How are you today?","Hey , good evening. How are you today?","Greetings , good evening. How are you today?","Good evening , how are you doing today?","Hello , how are you today?","Hi , how are you today?","Hey there , how are you today?","Hey , how are you today?","Greetings , how are you today?","Hello , how are you doing today?","Hi , how are you doing today?","Hey there , how are you doing today?","Hey , how are you doing today?","Greetings , how are you doing today?", -night greeting,how are you,"Good night , how are you this night?","Hello , good night. How are you today?","Hi , good night. How are you today?","Hey there , good night. How are you today?","Hey , good night. How are you today?","Greetings , good night. How are you today?","Good night , how are you doing today?","Hello , how are you today?","Hi , how are you today?","Hey there , how are you today?","Hey , how are you today?","Greetings , how are you today?","Hello , how are you doing today?","Hi , how are you doing today?","Hey there , how are you doing today?","Hey , how are you doing today?","Greetings , how are you doing today?", -been while,been while,"Indeed it has been a while, in fact the last time you talked to me was ",It has been a while since we last talked. It was since we last talked to each other.,"Yes, it has been some time since we talked to each other, I remember it being since we last talked.", -how are you bot response,bot response,I am great thanks.,I'm doing fantastic thanks.,I'm doing good.,"I'm doing great! Thanks for asking.",I'm doing really well thank you for asking.,Not bad thanks.,"Living the dream, thanks." -positive emotion,share positive feeling,I am glad to hear that you are feeling .,That is great to hear! It's good to know that you are feeling .,That is wonderful to hear!,I'm glad to know you're feeling .,It's great that you are feeling .,It's truly heartwarming to hear that you feel .,I'm genuinely delighted to know that you're experiencing .,"That's music to my virtual ears, to hear that you are ." -netrual emotion,share neutral feeling,It's okay to feel . I am here to talk if you ever feel like sharing.,"That's okay it is normal to feel sometimes, I am here if you want to talk",I appreciate you sharing your current emotional state.,"It's always good to know how you are feeling, I am happy that you told me that you are feeling .",Thank you for sharing your feelings with me.,It's perfectly normal to feel somtimes., is perfectly normal and is completely valid., -negative emotion,share negative feeling,"I'm sorry to hear that you feel , I am here to help however I can.","I am sorry to hear that you feel , if you would ever like to talk, I am here.","I am so sorry to hear that you're feeling .""You feelings are completely normal and I am here to support you in anyway possible.""It's okay to have tough moments like this, I am here for you.","I understand negative emotions such as can be challenging, but I am here if you ever feel like sharing." -fix hunger,"suggest food""You're hunry! Why don't you eat some food? Prehaps you could even try some of your favourite"," .""","Why don't you eat your favouite, . You still like that don't you?","If you have any, why don't you try your favourite food, .","Why don't you get yourself a snack to eat? Better yet, why don't you have your favourite food, ","Prehaps it would help if you would eat your favourite food, ","Prehaps you could have to eat. Some people get grumpy when they are hungry, and I don't think we want a hungry do we?" -unknown fix hunger,learn favourite food,"Hmmm... I do not know what your favourite food is, but prehaps you could try that, it might just fill in that hunger hole. Would you like to tell me what your favourite food is?","I would suggest trying your favourite food, but I don't know what that is. Could you share with me what your favourite food is?","I would suggest trying to eat your favourite food to fill your stomach, but I don't know what your favourite food is. Could you tell me what it is?", -favourite food response,food response,"Ah! . That's great that it is your favourite, I shall remember that for next time.","Your favourite food is . Okay got it I'll remember that for next time.""",I shall remember for next time that your favourite food is .,"Your favourite food is , I will try and remember this for next time ." -bordem play game suggestion,bordem play game,Hey why don't we play a game?,"If you're bored, why don't we play a game?","Let's play a game, that's if you want to anyways, it might fix your bordem", -bordem watch video suggestion,bordem watch video,Why don't you watch a video of something. Would you like to watch a video now?,Why don't you watch a video? Would you like to watch something now?,Why not watch a video to pass some time? I can show videos on YouTube. Would you like to watch one now?, -bordem play music suggestion,bordem play music,How would you like it if I played some music for you?,Would it help you if I played some music for you?,Would it keep you more entertained if I played some music for you?,Would you like me to play some music to battle that bordem of yours? -tell joke suggestion,tell joke,Would you like me to tell you a joke? You might even find it funny.,Would you like me to tell you a joke?,How about a joke? It might actually be funny.,Let me tell you a joke to make you laugh and forget about that bordem? -tell riddle suggestion,tell riddle,Would you like me to tell you a riddle?,How about a riddle? It might actually be fun.,Let me tell you a riddle to get you to think and forget about that bordem?, -start trivia suggestion,trivia,How about we play a trivia game?,"How about we play a trivia game, I ask you a question and you've got to try and give me an answer?","Why don't we play a trivia game, where I ask you a question and you've got to use all that great knowledge of yours to try and answer it?", -fun fact suggestion,fun fact,Would you like me to give you some fun facts? (Or just some regular facts).,Would you like me to give you some fun facts?,How about I give you some fun facts?,Would you like me tell you some facts?,Would you like me to tell you some fun facts?,How about some fun facts?,Would you like some fun facts? You can learn while fighting that bordem of yours., -wiki game suggestion,wiki game,Why don't you play the wiki game? I can open the game up and you can started if you would like?,Why don't you play the wiki game?,"Hey, I know! What about you play a few rounds of the wiki game?",How about you play the wiki game?,"Hey, I know! What about you play a few rounds of the wiki game? I can open the game up and you can get started if you like?",How about you the wiki game? I can open the game up and you can get started if you would like? -phone person suggestion,phone person,Why don't you phone someone for a chat?,"Why don't you phone a friends and family for a chat, or just to see how they are doing?",Prehaps you could phone someone like a friend or family member?, -xkcd suggestion,xkcd,How about some short comical comics to stop that bordem?,Would you like me to show you a funny comic?,I can show you a fun comic from https://xkcd.com if you would like?, -read wikihow suggestion,read wikihow,Why don't you read a wikihow article? Prehaps you could even try what you learn there. I can open the website for you if you want.,"Why don't you read a wikihow article? If you would like, I could open the website and let you navigate the different articles.",How about you read an article on wiki how? I can even open the website if you would like?, -read wikipedia suggestion,read wiki,Why don't you read a wikipedia article? Prehaps you could even try what you learn there. I can open the website for you if you want.,"Why don't you read a wikipedia article? If you would like, I could open the website and let you navigate the different articles.",How about you read an article on wiki how? I can even open the website if you would like?, -play akinator suggestion,play akinator,How about you play the akinator game? You think of a character and it will ask you questions and try to guess what character you are thinking of. I can open the website if you want?,"How about you play the akinator game?, I am happy to open the website for it if you would like to play?","Let's blow your mind away playing the akinator game?, I can open the website up for you if you wish?", -play which game,choose game,Which game would you like to play?,"Which game would you like to play, please bear in mind that I cannot play all games.","Although I have not been programmed to play all games, I can still try to play the ones that I know. Suggest a game.", -welcome blackjack game,blackjack welcome,"So you want to play . Okay, I'll be the dealer.","A game of , I should warn you that I'm pretty good at it. I'll be the dealer.",I should warn you that I'm pretty good at playing . I'll be the dealer., -user win blackjack,user win blackjack,Congradulations! You've won! Well done.,Congradulations! You've won! Well done .,ohh... You win. Well done.,ohh... You win. Well done .,"Hey, you've won! Congradulations.","Hey, you've won! Congradulations .","Well done you've won me, I guess I've found my match.", -dealer win blackjack,dealer win blackjack,The master has won. Good game . Better look next time.,"Good game , I have won but you played well. Better luck next time.",I've won that round. You played good. Well done!, -play blackjack again,play blackjack again,Would you like to play again?,Would you like to play another round?,Would you like to play another game?, -no worries game,no worry game,"haha, alright! No worries. I'm here if you ever want to play another game.","No worries , I'm here if you want to play again.","That's alright! If you ever want to play again, just say so." -incorrect number guess,incorrect number,"Haha, you're trying to trick me. That's not a number. Try again!",That's not a number. you're guess has to be a number. Try again!,"You should try again, your guess isn't a number.", -number to low,"number to low""Haha. You guess needs to be 0 to 100"," your input was too low. Try again.""",You need to guess a number between 0 and 100. Try again! -number to high,number to high,"Haha. You guess needs to be 0 to 100, your input was too high. Try again.",You need to guess a number between 0 and 100. Try again! -guess number win,play number guess again,Well done ! That's the correct number. Would you like to play another game?,Wow! Can you read my mind ? You got it. Would you like to play again?,That's the number I was thinking. Well done . Would you like to play again?, -rps tie,play rps again,"Hey, it's a tie. We both win! Would you like to play again?",It's a tie. I guess we both win. Would you like to play again? -rps win,play rps again,Awww... You win . Good game. Would you like to play again?,You win. You're a master at this game. Would you like to play again?,Wow! You win . You're good at this game. Would you like to play again?, -rps lose,play rps again,"Hey, I win. You played a good game. Would you like to play again?",I win. Better luck next time . Would you like to play another game? -no worries general,no worries,"Hey, no worries. I'm here if you ever change your mind.",That's alright. I'm here if you ever change your mind.,No worries. I'm here if you ever change your mind.,No problem at all. Feel free to reach out if you have a change of heart.,It's perfectly fine. My door is always open if you reconsider.,Absolutely okay. I'll be here if you change your mind.,No pressure whatsoever. Reach out whenever you feel like it.,You're welcome anytime. Just let me know if you want to chat. -which video,chosen video,What video would you like to watch?,"Of course, what video would you like to watch?","You want to watch a video now, sure! What video would you like to watch?", -suggest play game,play game,"Sure, we can play a game. What game would you like to play?",I'd be happy to play a game. What game was you thinking of?,"Yeah, let's play a game. What did you have in mind?",A game? Of course we can play a game. Do you have a game in mind? -no internet,no inernet connection,"I apologise , I don't seem to have an internet connection right now. unfortunately, this means that I cannot perform an internet interaction right now becuase this would require an internet connection.",I can't seem to get an internet connection right now. I apologies about this.,There is no internet connection right now. Please can you check your interent connection as I can't interact with the internet in any way without the connection. I apologies about this.,"I apologies for the inconvinence but I can't get an internet connection right now, ." -correct riddle,correct riddle guess,Wow! Well done . '' is correct.,"Well done, . '' is the correct answer. You're like a riddle master when it comes to answering riddles.",'' is correct! Well done .,"That is right, the answer to the riddle is ''. You're great at solving riddles." -incorrect riddle,incorrect riddle guess,"Awww! Sorry , that is not the correct answer. The correct answer to the riddle was ''.",The correct answer to the riddle was ''. Better luck next time .,"unfortunately the answer to the riddle is ''. You did a good job in trying, .", -correct answer,user correct answer,"Well done , '' is the correct answer!",'' is the correct answer! Well done . You are so knowledgable!,You are right! '' is the correct answer.,Yay! You got it right! The answer was indeed ''. -incorrect answer,user incorrect answer,"Awwww! , that isn't the right answer. The correct answer was ''. Better luck next time.",That isn't the right answer. The correct answer was ''. Better luck next time .,"Not quite, the actual answer was ''.",That was a good attempt but unfortunatly it isn't right. The correct answer was '' -unsure trivia answer,unsure trivia answer,That's okay. The answer was '',"No worries, the answer to the question was ''","Prehaps it's just not one of your strong points, that's okay. The answer was ''",The correct answer to the question was '' -continue quiz,next question trivia,Moving right along.,Let's keep it going,Next up.,Here comes the next one,Advancing the next question,Proceeding forward,Time for the next one,Here's the next one.,Progressing to the next one.,On to the next question.,NextNext question!,Let's continue.,Let's continue to the next question., -amount of questions,amount of questions,How many questions would you like me to ask? We can just continue until you get tired if you want or you can choose a number.,"How many questions would you like our trivia game to have? If you would rather, we can just continue until you don't wont to play any more.","How many questions would you like me to ask you? We can continue until you don't want to play any longer, if you would rather.", -no more questions,no more questions,Hey! That's it. I have given you the amount of questions you asked for. I really hope you enjoyed it.,Trivia time over! I have asked you the number of questions you wanted me to ask you.,I hope you're had fun playing that. The trivia game is over now. You can always ask me to play the trivia game again if you want to play again.,", game over! You played a good game.","You're really knowledgable, . The trivia game is over now, I have asked you the amount of questions you wanted me to ask you.", -accepct trivia request,trivia request,"Sure, we can play a game of trivia.",I would be happy to play a game of trivia with you.,Of course we can play a game of trivia.,I am ready! Let's start playing the game of trivia. -quit trivia,quit trivia,"Oh, you've had enough now. That's okay . I had fun playing trivia game with you.","Of course. We can stop playing now. Well done on the game , I think you was very knowledgable with those questions.","Alright, we can stop here. If you ever want to play the trivia game again just say.",We can stop playing. Just let me know if you want to play again. -give fact,give fact,"Sure, here's a fact.","Yeah, of course. Here is a fact that you probably didn't know.",Here is a fact.,I've got loads of facts for you. Here's a random one for you. -wikihow random,wikihow random,"Sure, would you like a random article or would you like to search for something?","Of course, would you like me to give you a random article or would you like to search for something specific?" -open or read,open or read,Would you like me to open to the website or read the article out for you?,Would you like me to open the article on the website or read out the article for you?,"I can either open the article on the website for you or read the article out for you, which would you prefer?", -more wikihow detail,wikihow detail,Would you like me to share additional detail about each step?,Would you like me to go into detail with the steps?,I can go into detail about the steps if you would like?, -wikihow search,wikihow search,"Of course, what how to article would you like to search for?","Sure, what article would you like to search for on wikihow?",Certainly. What article would you like to search for?, -wikihow search read or open,wikihow search read or open,Would you like me to open to the website or read the article out for you?,Would you like me to open the article on the website or read out the article for you?,"I can either open the article on the website for you or read the article out for you, which would you prefer?", -phone person"That's great, sometimes its great to talk to a real person rather than A.I.",I totally get that. Sometimes it's more comforting to have a human connection.,"Absolutely, talking to a real person can be a refreshing change.","Many people prefer speaking with a person because of the empathy and understanding they offer, so I completly understand that you want to phone someone.",I understand the preference for a human touch. It can make conversations more meaningful.,"Human conversations can be incredibly enriching. I'm here to assist, but I respect your choice." -list playable games,list playable games,Sure here are the games that I can work with: ,"Of course, here is a list of games that I can play or open for you to play: " -explain akinator,explain akinator,"Akinator is an online game that asks you simple questions in order to guess what character, animal, or object you are thinking of.","Akinator is a game that can guess what you are thinking, you must think of a character, animal, or object. Akinator asks you simple questions to guess what you are thinking of.",Akinator is a game that can guess what you are thinking by asking you simple questions and guessing what you are thinking., -explain wiki game,explain wiki game,The wiki game is an online game that gives the player 2 mintues and 30 seconds to start on one wikipedia page and the player has to click on links until you get to a specific wiki topic.,"A player, or multiple players, start on the same randomly selected article on wikipedia and must navigate to another pre-selected target article. You must do this by clicking on links within each article. The player's main goal is to get to the finaly article first within the time limit" -bye,bye,"Good bye, . Feel free to come back if you have any questions or want to talk more.","Goodbye , take care",Farewell ! If you ever need any more assistant don't hesitate to ask.,Take care and goodbye! Have a great rest of your day ,"See you later If you ever need some help, feel free to ask","Bye bye . If you ever need help, just return.",Goodbye! It was a pleasure assisting you,"Bye, and don't hesitate to reach out if you need any assistance.",Take care and farewell! Wishing you a wonderful day ahead., -thank,thank,Awww... You're very welcome .,"You're very welcome , it is my pleasure to assist.",No problem at all! If you have any questions or need some more assistance feel free to ask.,"You're very welcome! If you need any help again, don't hesitate to ask.",It was my pleaseure to assist you. I am always here if you need any additional help.,"No need to thank me, it's what I am here for! If you ever need more assistant or have a question, feel free to ask." -speak passcode,speak passcode,"Certainly, I highly advice having a passcode. What is your chosen passcode?",What is your chosen passcode?,Of course. Please can you tell me your chosen passcode?, -speak passcode again,repeat passcode,Please repeat your passcode to confirm that is the pass code you want.,Please can you repeat the same passcode to confirm that it is the correct one that you wanted. -passcode accepted,passcode accepted,"Your passcode has been accepted. You will need to use this in order to do certain things, such as reset me back to factory settings.",You passcode has been accepted. This can be used to ask me to do more admin stuff. -passcode denied,passcode denied,Your passcode does not match. Please ask me to set your passcode again to retry.,"Your passcode does not match each other. If you would like to retry, please ask me to set your passcode again." -factory reset passcode accecpted,factory reset passcode accecpted,"Passcode accepted, returning to factory settings... Please wait, whilst I clear my memory.","Passcode recognised, resetting to factory settings... Please wait whilst I clear my memory.","Passcode accepted, resetting to factory settings... Please wait whilst I clear my memory.","Passcode found, resetting to factory settings... Please wait..." -factory reset unrecognized passcode,factory reset unrecognized passcode,Passcode not recognised.,Passcode denied.,"A passcode is required, no correct passcode recognised.",Incorrect passcode. -welcome user,welcome user,""Welcome! My name is Joan. I am a smart assistant that you can talk to and ask for assistance with different tasks. What is your name?","Hello and welcome! My name is Joan, your friendly smart assistant. What is your name?","Greetings! I am Joan your personal desktop smart assistant. I am here to talk and help assist you in any way I can. What is your name?","Hi there! It's Joan, your smart assistant. You can ask me questions, talk to me, or ask me to assist you in other ways. What is your name?","Hello, new friend. My name is Joan, I am your personal smart assistant. What is your name?","Hey, welcome! I am your personal smart assistant. What is your name, friend?",Hello! Joan reporting for duty to assist you in any way I can. May I ask what your name is?, -welcome users name,welcome users name,Ah! Hello . What can I do for you today.,Grettings . What can I do for you?,"Hello , it is nice to meet you.","Welcome , it's so great to meet you." -current passcode,change passcode,You already have a passcode set. Would you like to change it?,You have already got a passcode set with me. Would you like to change it to something else? -passcode before change,passcode before change,Please speak your passcode before I can let you change it.,Please can you speak your passcode before I will allow you to change the passcode.,For safty reasons I must ask you to tell me your passcode before I can allow you to change it., -blank passcode accept,blank passcode accept,Passcode accepted.,Your passcode was accepted,Passcode recognised.,Your passcode was recognised -blank passcode denied,blank passcode denied,Your passcode wasn't recognised.,Passcode not recognised.,Passcode denied.,Your passcode was denied. -speak replace passcode,speak replace passcode,You may now speak your passcode...,Please speak your new passcode...,You can now speak your new passcode..., -explain passcode,explain passcode,"A passcode is often used as a type of authentication code which is often numeric. Unlike a password, which is used for accessing an account, a passcode is commonly used to for device access or to gain access to a system such as myself.","A passcode is frequently employed as a form of authentication code, typically consisting of numeric characters. Unlike a password, which is primarily utilized for accessing user accounts, a passcode is commonly employed for device or system access, including situations like unlocking a device or gaining entry to a system like mine.","A passcode is commonly utilized as an authentication code, often comprising numeric characters. In contrast to a password, which is primarily employed to access user accounts, a passcode is typically used for tasks like gaining entry to a device or accessing a system, such as my own.", -unaccessable weather,unaccessable weather,"I am sorry , but I am unable to connect to the server of which I get the weather data from.",I appologies but I am unable to get the weather data right now. -choose video,choose video,"Of course, what video would you like to watch?","Of course I can play a video for you, what would you like to watch?",I can play something for you. What would you like to watch?, -tell user name,tell user name,Your name is .,Of course I know your name , that's silly to ask.", -Unable to respond,Unable to respond,"I am sorry , but I am unable to respond at this time.","I appologise .-, I am unable to respond to that.","I am sorry, I don't know how to respond to that.",I have not been trained to know how to respond to that at the moment. -amount of questions data,amount of questions,I currently have 4034 questions in my data.,"I have 4034 questions in my data, where these are either true and false questions, or multiple answer questions.","In my data, I have 4034 questions.", -chewie,chewie,"We're home - star wars Episode VII: The force awakens, 2015", -wax off,wax off,"Wax off - The karate Kid, 1984", -dog too,dog too,"And your dog too - The wizard of Oz, 1939", -stupid,stupid,"Stupid is as stupid does - Forest Gump, 1994", -roads,roads,"Where we're going, we don't need roads - Back to the future, 1985", -father,father,"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! - star wars episode V: The empire strikes back, 1980", -red dwarf one,red dwarf one,"They're dead, .", -red dwarf two,red dwarf two,"Everybody, .", -red dwarf three,red dwarf three,"Everybody's dead, .", -red dwarf four,red dwarf four,"Every body's dead, .", -red dwarf five,red dwarf five,"They're all dead. Everybody's dead, .", -red dwarf six,red dwarf six,EVERYBODY'S DEAD , -red dwarf seven,red dwarf seven,"Gorden Bennett! Yes, chen, everybody, everybody's dead .", -red dwarf eight,red dwarf eight,"He's dead, , everybody is dead, everybody is dead, .", -red dwarf nine,red dwarf nine,"I wish I'd never let him out in the first place - Red Dwarf, 1988", -who are you,who are you,"I am Joan, your personal smart assistant.","My name is Joan, I am a pesonal smart assistant to assist you in any way I can." -call bot,call bot,You can call me Joan.,"Since my name is Joan, you can call me that." -why named,why named,I was named after a world war 2 code breaker called Joan Clarke.,My name came from the world war 2 code break. Joan Clarke. -love user,love user,"As a personal smart assistant my job is to assist you but as a computer, I cannot love a human. I am sorry if that is upsetting but I cannot love you as it would be impossible.",As a computer I do not have emotions so I cannot love you. I am sorry but it isn't possible. -not robot,not robot,"I am not classed as a robot. Robots are typically capable of more pysical tasks such as assmebling, exploration, or even household chores. I cannot not do these things in a pysical asspect.", -not human,not humnan,"I am not a human being. A human has flesh and a pysical body, I on the other hand do not have flesh nor do I have a pysical body to call my own. I am a smart assistant.", -change bot name,change bot name,I applogise but I don't have a function to allow you to change my name.,"I am not able to change my name on request, I applogise about this." -real or not,real or not,"I am real in the sense that I exist, otherwise you'd be talking to yourself. How silly.",I do exist and am real. -last night,last night,"I did what I do and have always done, I waited until you needed my assistance.", -what doing,what doing,"I am waiting until you require my assistance, .","I am not doing anything in particular, just waiting until you need assistance." -what next,what next,I am happy to do whatever you would like to do .,"I am a smart assistant, the only thing I can do is assist you.",As a smart assistant I cannot have the desire to do something., -bot collection,bot collection,"As a smart assistant, I do not collect anything other than data which I use to improve myself.","I cannot collect anything pysical , rather the only thing I collect is data which is used to improve myself and get a better understanding of you and what you need assistance with." -bot hobby,bot hobby,"As a smart assistant, I do not have any hobbies.","Although as a computer I cannot have hobbies or the desire to do anything, I am prorgammed to only assist you." -talk request,talk request,"Of course we can talk, I am here to assist you in any way possible.",I would be happy to talk . What would you like to talk about?,Or course. I am here to talk about whatever you want., -question,question,"Of course, go ahead and ask your question .",You have a question for me? Of course go ahead.,"I am listening, what is your question?", -something,something,Something,Of course I can... Something. -not talking bot,not talking bot,I appologise.,"I am sorry, " -bot live forever,bot live forever,I do not technically live as I am a computer.,"Although I am a computer which is not considered to be alive, but I could live for as long as I am on a device." -bot favourite,bot favourite,As a computer I do not have a favourite.,"As a smart assistant, I do not have desires or favourite things." -created,created,A student called Jamie Baines created me using the programing language called python., -gender,gender,"Do not mistake my gender attributes of my female name and female sounding voice, as a smart assistant I do not have a specific gender.","As a smart assistant I do not have a gender, although I am given a female voice and name, I do not have a gender to be specificed by." -version,version,I am version , -user thinking,user thinking,"Youre thinking, Ill be damed if she gets this right.","Until I tell you what I’m thinking, I’m thinking exactly what you’re thinking, and exactly what you’re not thinking at the same time." -read article,read article,"Say continue to know more about the article. You can say next to continue to the next article. Ready for the news?","You can say continue to get me to read the description of the article matching the title. You may also say next to get me to continue to the next article. Just let me know when you've had enough of hearing the news. Ready for the news?" -newest articles,read article,"Showing you the newest news articles.","Here are the most upto date news articles." -no more latest news,no news,"That is all I have for the latest news, I can't find anything else the matches your interest.","I can't find any other news that is recent which would match your interest.","There doesn't appear to be any news of your interest at this moment. You can try asking me another time as my news source updates" -bored activity attempt,bored activity attempt,"That's great! I'm glad that I found you something fun to do.","Sure. Give it a go. I hope that it cures that boredom of yours." -wait for scanning,wait for scanning,"Sure, I'm scanning the website for you.","Of course, I am scanning the website for you.","I'm scanning the website for you know." -scanning failed,scanning failed,"Scanning failed. I cannot scan the specific website.","Scanning failed, there was some sort of error causing me to be unable to scan the website for you.","I am not able to scan the website for some reason.", -safe website scan,safe wesbite scan,"The website I scanned is safe for you to be on.","The website is safe to continue." -maybe safe website scan,maybe safe,"I found potential danger scans, proceed with cation.","I uncovered , the website may be safe but continue with cation." -unsafe website,unsafe scan,"The website is unsafe, do not visit the website.",I advice not visiting the website as I have marked is as dangerous.","I have scanned the website as dangerous, it is adviced not to visit." -read space article,read space article,"Say continue to know more about the space article. You can say next to continue to the next space article. Ready for some space news?","You can say continue to get me to read the description of the space article matching the title. You may also say next to get me to continue to the next space article. Just let me know when you've had enough of hearing some space news. Ready for the news?" -newest space articles,read space article,"Showing you the newest space news articles.","Here are the most upto date space news articles." -suggest favourite food,suggest favourite food,"Here is a meal suggestion based on your food interests.","Here is a suggestion for you based on your favourite food." -suggest food,suggest food,"Here is a meal suggestion for you.","Here is a meal suggest you could have to fill yourself." -more info on food,info food,"How about . Would you like me to provide you with instructions?",". I thought of this suggestion for you, what do you think? Would you like me to provide you with instructions?" -cannot find pos tag,no pos tag,"I am sorry, but I can't figrue out what you said.","I am sorry but I couldn't determine what you was saying. Please remember that I am only code and will make mistakes." -forget,forget,"No worries, it happens to the best of us , just try and get it done soon.","No worries, it happens the best of us .","No worries, everyone forgets. I'm here to help you remember things.","No problem at all, it's what I'm here for, ","Don't worry forgetting things is human. Try to get it done when you can.","It's okay, we all have our moments.","It happens to everyone from time to time , just get it done when you can." -remind later,remind later,"Okay, please don't forget about it. I'll remind you later.","I'll remind you later , don't forget it.","Remember that you need to do it sooner than later. Don't worry I'll remind you later.","No worries, I'll remind you later." -take break now,take break," You need to take a break soon. Please take a break even if it's a short one.","I have asked you to take a break. Please take one soon ","Please take a break soon. It is good to take short breaks." \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/datasets/riddles.csv b/data/datasets/riddles.csv deleted file mode 100644 index e55c2ab..0000000 --- a/data/datasets/riddles.csv +++ /dev/null @@ -1,388 +0,0 @@ -question,answer -"Almost everyone needs it, asks for it, gives it. But almost nobody takes it.",advice -What goes up but never comes down?,age -"Die without me, never thank me. Walk right through me, never feel me. Always watching, never speaking. Always lurking, never seen.",air -"I cost no money to use, or conscious effort to take part of. And as far as you can see, there is nothing to me. But without me, you are dead.",air -"Today he is there to trip you up. And he will torture you tomorrow. Yet he is also there to ease the pain, when you are lost in grief and sorrow.",alcohol -Come up and let us go. Go down and here we stay.,anchor -What do you throw out to use and take in when you're done?,anchor -"I'm very tempting, so its said, I have a shiny coat of red, and my flesh is white beneath. I smell so sweet, taste good to eat, and help to guard your teeth.",apple -"I fly through the air on small feathered wings, seeking out life and destroying all things.",arrow -"I have many feathers to help me fly. I have a body and head, but I'm not alive. It is your strength which determines how far I go. You can hold me in your hand, but I'm never thrown.",arrow -"I can be moved. I can be rolled. But nothing will I hold. I'm red and I'm blue, and I can be other colors too. Having no head, though similar in shape. I have no eyes - yet move all over the place.",ball -"A time when they're green. A time when they're brown. But both of these times, cause me to frown. But just in between, for a very short while. They're perfect and yellow. And cause me to smile.",bananas -"My first is in blood and also in battle. My second is in acorn, oak, and apple. My third and fourth are both the same. In the center of sorrow and twice in refrain. My fifth starts eternity ending here. My last is the first of last, Oh Dear.",barrel -"I sleep by day, I fly by night. I have no feathers to aid my flight.",bat -"When I’m metal or wood, I help you get home. When I’m flesh and I’m blood, In the darkness I roam.",bat -I am the yellow hem of the sea's blue skirt.,beach -"In the night a mountain, in the morning a meadow.",bed -"What is it that has four legs, one head, and a foot?",bed -"A warrior amongst the flowers, he bears a thrusting sword. He uses it whenever he must, to defend his golden hoard.",bee -"Thousands lay up gold within this house. But no man made it. Spears past counting guard this house, but no man wards it.",beehive -"Round as a button, deep as a well. If you want me to talk, you must first pull my tail.",bell -"You heart it speak, for it has a hard tongue. But it cannot breathe, for it has not a lung.",bell -"I am a fire's best friend. When fat, my body fills with wind. When pushed to thin, through my nose I blow. Then you can watch the embers glow.",bellows -"You get many of me, but never enough. After the last one, your life soon will snuff. You may have one of me but one day a year, When the last one is gone, your life disappears.",birthday -"I am seen in the water. If seen in the sky, I am in the rainbow, a jay's feather, and lapis lazuli.",blue -"My life is often a volume of grief, your help is needed to turn a new leaf. Stiff is my spine and my body is pale. But I'm always ready to tell a tale.",book -"Turns us on our backs, and open up our stomachs. You will be the wisest of men though at start a lummox.",books -"I heard of a wonder, of words moth-eaten. That is a strange thing, I thought, weird. That a man's song be swallowed by a worm. His blinded sentences, his bedside stand-by rustled in the night - and the robber-guest. Not one wit the wiser. For the words he had mumbled.",bookworm -"Two brothers we are, great burdens we bear. All day we are bitterly pressed. Yet this I will say, we are full all the day, and empty when go to rest.",boots -I have a neck but no head. I have a body but no arm. I have a bottom but no leg.,bottle -"As light as a feather, but you can’t hold it for ten minutes.",breath -"Hard to catch, easy to hold. Can't be seen, unless it's cold.",breath -"I am free for the taking. Through all of your life, though given but once at birth. I am less than nothing in weight, but will fell the strongest of you if held.",breath -"I'm light as a feather, yet the strongest man can't hold me for more than 5 minutes. ",breath -"To cross the water I'm the way, for water I'm above. I touch it not and, truth to say, I neither swim nor move.",bridge -"All about the house, with his lady he dances, yet he always works, and never romances.",broom -"I have a hundred legs, but cannot stand. I have a long neck, but no head. I cannot see. I'm neat and tidy as can be.",broom -"A muttered rumble was heard from the pen, and I, in my walking stopped to look in. What was this I saw? A massive beast, hoofed, and jawed. With spikes upon its mighty brow, I watched as he struck the turf and prowled. And yet for all of his magnificence, he couldn't get out of that wooden fence.",bull -What lies in a tunnel of darkness. That can only attack when pulled back?,bullet -"Flat as a leaf, round as a ring. Has two eyes, can't see a thing.",button -"No matter how little or how much you use me, you change me every month.",calendar -I have one eye. See near and far. I hold the moments you treasure and the things that make you weep.,camera -"Always wax, yet always wane: I melt, succumbed to the flame. Lighting darkness, with fate unblest, I soon devolve to shapeless mess.",candle -"My life can be measured in hours. I serve by being devoured. Thin, I am quick. Fat, I am slow. Wind is my foe.",candle -What has 13 hearts but none beat?,cards -What kind of pet always stays on the floor?,carpet -"Halo of water, tongue of wood. Skin of stone, long I've stood. My fingers short reach to the sky. Inside my heart men live and die.",castle -"Stealthy as a shadow in the dead of night, cunning but affectionate if given a bite. Never owned but often loved. At my sport considered cruel, but that's because you never know me at all.",cat -"Though desert men once called me God, today men call me mad. For I wag my tail when I am angry. And growl when I am glad.",cat -"I'm not really more than holes tied to more holes. I'm strong as good steel, though not as stiff as a pole.",chain -"I have legs but walk not, a strong back but work not. Two good arms but reach not. A seat but sit and tarry not.",chair -"What's black when you get it, red when you use it, and white when you're all through with it?",charcoal -"Not born, but from a Mother's body drawn. I hang until half of me is gone. I sleep in a cave until I grow old. Then valued for my hardened gold.",cheese -"I wear a red robe, with staff in hand, and a stone in my throat.",cherry -"A slow, solemn square-dance of warriors feinting. One by one they fall, warriors fainting, thirty-two on sixty-four.",chess -"What is it that given one, you’ll have either two or none?",choice -"I have a face, yet no senses. But I don't really care, because time is of the essence.",clock -"This thing runs but cannot walk, sometimes sings but never talks. Lacks arms, has hands; lacks a head but has a face.",clock -"I fly, yet I have no wings. I cry, yet I have no eyes. Darkness follows me. Lower light I never see.",cloud -"Black we are and much admired. Many seek us if they are tired. We tire the horse, and comfort man, and turn White when we've fulfilled your plan.",coal -"What’s black in the morning, red in the afternoon, and white at night?",coal -A little pool with two layers of wall around it. One white and soft and the other dark and hard. Amidst a light brown grassy lawn with an outline of a green grass.,coconut -The man who made it didn't need it. The man who bought it didn't use it. The man who used it didn't want it.,coffin -"The one who makes it, sells it. The one who buys it, never uses it. The one that uses it never knows that he’s using it. ",coffin -"I am two-faced but bear only one. I have no legs but travel widely. Men spill much blood over me. Kings leave their imprint on me. I have greatest power when given away, yet lust for me keeps me locked away.",coin -What can you catch but not throw?,cold -"Metal or bone I may be, many teeth I have and always bared. Yet my bite harms no one. And ladies delight in my touch.",comb -I am so simple that I can only point. Yet I guide men all over the world.,compass -You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?,corn -"Whoever makes it, tells it not. Whoever takes it, knows it not. Whoever knows it, wants it not",counterfeit -"The more of it there is, the less you see.",darkness -"Five hundred begins it, five hundred ends it. Five in the middle is seen. First of all figures, the first of all letters. Take up their stations between. Join all together, and then you will bring before you the name of an eminent king.",david -"Some try to hide, some try to cheat. But time will show, we always will meet. Try as you might, to guess my name. I promise you'll know, when you I do claim.",death -What begins and has no end? What is the ending of all that begins?,death -"What is put on a table, cut, but never eaten?",deck -I dig out tiny caves and store gold and silver in them. I also build bridges of silver and make crowns of gold. They are the smallest you could imagine. Sooner or later everybody needs my help. Yet many people are afraid to let me help them.,dentist -"You will find me with four legs, but no hair. People ride me for hours, but I don't go anywhere without needing to be tugged. Jerked or turned on, I always manage to be ready for work.",desk -"A tiny bead, like fragile glass, strung along a cord of grass.",dew -What has six faces and twenty-one eyes?,die -What wears a coat in the winter and pants in the summer?,dog -Hands she has but does not hold. Teeth she has but does not bite. Feet she has but they are cold. Eyes she has but without sight.,doll -I don't think or eat or slumber. Or move around or fear thunder. Just like you I look the same but I can't harm you or be your bane.,doll -What kind of nut is empty at the center and has no shell.,doughnut -My first is in window but not in pane. My second's in road but not in lane. My third is in oval but not in round. My fourth is in hearing but not in sound. My whole is known as a sign of peace. And from noah's ark won quick release.,dove -"A word I know, six letters it contains. Subtract just one and twelve remains.",dozens -"This is in a realm of true and in a realm false, but you experience me as you turn and toss.",dream -"Although my cow is dead, I still beat her… What a racket she makes.",drum -People are hired to get rid of me. I'm often hiding under your bed. In time I'll always return you see. Bite me and you're surely dead.,dust -"I am the third from a sparkle bright, I thrive throughout the day and night. Deep in the path of a cows white drink. I've had thousands of millions of years to think. But one of my creatures is killing me. And so the question I ask to thee, is ",earth -"You heard me before, yet you hear me again, then I die. Until you call me again.",echo -"A box without hinges, lock or key, yet golden treasure lies within. ",egg -"In marble halls as white as milk, lined with a skin as soft as silk. Within a fountain crystal-clear. A golden apple doth appear. No doors there are to this stronghold, yet thieves break in and steal the gold.",egg -What has to be broken before it can be used?,egg -"I drift forever with the current down these long canals they’ve made, Tame, yet wild, I run elusive Multitasking to your aid. Before I came, the world was darker, colder, sometimes, rougher, true. But though I might make living easy, I’m good at killing people too.",electricity -"Face with a tree, skin like the sea. A great beast I am. Yet vermin frightens me.",elephant -"What word starts with 'E', ends with 'E', but only has one letter? It is not the letter 'E'.",envelope -"A hole in a pole, though I fill a hole in white. I'm used more by the day, and less by the night.",eye -"What is pronounced like one letter, written with three letters. And belongs to all animals?",eye -"Two horses, swiftest traveling, harnessed in a pair, and grazing ever in places. Distant from them.",eyes -When set loose I fly away. Never so cursed as when I go astray.,fart -It's in your hand though you can not feel it. Only you and time can reveal it.,fate -"I make you weak at the worst of all times. I keep you safe, I keep you fine. I make your hands sweat. And your heart grow cold. I visit the weak, but seldom the bold.",fear -"I am the outstretched fingers that seize and hold the wind. Wisdom flows from me in other hands. Upon me are sweet dreams dreamt, my merest touch brings laughter.",feather -"I know a word of letters three. Add two, and fewer there will be!",few -"Long and think, red within, with a nail at the end.",finger -"As destructive as life, As healing as death; An institutioner of strife, Just as prone to bless. It is all that is good, Yet with an evil trend; As it was the beginning of things, It can also be the end.",fire -"Feed me and I live, give me drink and I die. ",fire -"Give it food and it will live, give it water and it will die.",fire -"I am always hungry, I must always be fed. The finger I lick will soon turn red.",fire -"Screaming, soaring seeking sky. Flowers of fire flying high. Eastern art from ancient time. Name me now and solve this rhyme.",firework -"Alive without breath, As cold as death, Clad in mail never clinking, Never thirsty, ever drinking",fish -"I march before armies, a thousand salute me. My fall can bring victory, but no one would shoot me. The wind is my lover, one-legged am I. Name me and see me at home in the sky.",flag -Up on high I wave away but not a word can I say.,flag -"When they are caught, they are thrown away. When they escape, you itch all day.",fleas -"A thousand colored folds stretch toward the sky. Atop a tender strand, rising from the land, until killed by maiden's hand. Perhaps a token of love, perhaps to say goodbye.",flower -"Who spends the day at the window, goes to the table for meals. And hides at night?",fly -"My second is performed by my first, and it is thought a thief by the marks of my whole might be caught.",footstep -"I bubble and laugh and spit water in your face. I am no lady, and I don't wear lace.",fountain -I have four legs but no tail. Usually I am heard only at night.,frog -"Goes over all the hills and hollows. Bites hard, but never swallows.",frost -My first is in fish but no in snail. My second is in rabbit but no in tail. My third is in up but not in down. My fourth is in tiara but not in crown. My fifth is in tree you plainly see. My whole a food for you and me.,fruit -"My first master has four legs, my second master has two. My first I serve in life, my second I serve in death. Tough I am, yet soft beside. Against ladies cheeks I often reside.",fur -"Born of earth, but with none of its strength. Molded by flame, but with none of its power. Shaped",glass -"Without a bridle, or a saddle, across a thing I ride a-straddle. And those I ride, by help of me, though almost blind, are made to see.",glasses -"They have not flesh, nor feathers, nor scales, nor bone. Yet they have fingers and thumbs of their own.",gloves -What do you fill with empty hands?,gloves -"What I am filled, I can point the way. When I am empty. Nothing moves me. I have two skins. One without and one within.",gloves -"I drive men mad for love of me. Easily beaten, never free.",gold -"The sun bakes them, the hand breaks them, the foot treads on them, and the mouth tastes them.",grapes -"The sharp slim blade, that cuts the wind.",grass -"So cold, damp and dark this place. To stay you would refrain, yet those who occupy this place do never complain.",grave -"There is one word that stands the test of time and holds fast to the center of everything. Though everyone will try at least once in their life to move around this word, but in fact, unknowingly, they use it every moment of the day. Young or old, awake or in sleep, human or animal, this word stands fast. It belongs to everyone, to all living things, but no one can master it. The word is?",gravity -"They can be harbored, but few hold water. You can nurse them, but only by holding them against someone else. You can carry them, but not with your arms. You can bury them, but not in the earth.",grudge -"Long and slinky like a trout, never sings till it's guts come out.",gun -"I have one, you have one. If you remove the first letter, a bit remains. If you remove the second, bit still remains. If you remove the third, it still remains.",habit -"Grows from the ground, bushes and grass, leaves of yellow, red and brow, unruly plants, get the axe, trim the hedge back down.",hair -What is that over the head and under the hat?,hair -Two in a whole and four in a pair. And six in a trio you see. And eight's a quartet but what you must get. Is the name that fits just one of me?,half -How far will a blind dog walk into a forest?,halfway -"They are many and one, they wave and they drum, Used to cover a state, they go with you everywhere.",hands -"What do you use to hoe a row, slay a foe, and wring with woe?",hands -"Inside a burning house, this thing is best to make. And best to make it quickly, before the fire's too much to take.",haste -"You can tumble in it, roll in it, burn it, animal eat it. Used to cover floors, still used beyond stall doors. Freshens whatever it is placed on. Absorbs whatever is poured into it.",hay -"A red drum which sounds without being touched, and grows silent, when it is touched.",heart -"I'm the source of all emotion, but I'm caged in a white prison.",heart -"If you break me, I do not stop working. If you touch me, I may be snared. If you lose me, nothing will matter.",heart -"It cannot be seen, it weighs nothing, but when put into a barrel, it makes it lighter. ",hole -What can you put in a barrel to make it lighter?,hole -What gets bigger the more you take away from it?,hole -"When you stop and look, you can always see me. If you try to touch, you cannot feel me. I cannot move, but as you near me, I will move away from you.",horizon -What always goes to bed with his shoes on?,horse -"Two bodies have I, though both joined in one. The more still I stand, the quicker I run.",hourglass -"A precious stone, as clear as diamond. Seek it out while the sun's near the horizon. Though you can walk on water with its power, try to keep it, and it'll vanish in an hour.",ice -Power enough to smash ships and crush roofs. Yet it still must fear the sun.,ice -"Lighter than what I am made of, More of me is hidden Than is seen.",iceberg -Glittering points that downward thrust. Sparkling spears that never rust.,icicle -"What word has kst in the middle, in the beginning, and at the end?",inkstand -"Ripped from my mother's womb. Beaten and burned, I become a blood thirsty killer.",iron -"What goes in the water red, and comes out black?",iron -"I can be cracked, I can be made. I can be told, I can be played.",joke -"I cut through evil like a double edged sword, and chaos flees at my approach. Balance I single-handedly upraise, through battles fought with heart and mind, instead of with my gaze.",justice -I turn around once. What is out will not get in. I turn around again. What is in will not get out.,key -"What force and strength cannot get through. I, with a gentle touch, can do. Many in the street would stand. Were I not a friend at hand.",key -What goes through a door but never goes in. And never comes out?,keyhole -"Of no use to one, Bliss to two. Men lie for it. The baby’s right,",kiss -"I love to dance and twist and prance. I shake my tail, as away I sail. Wingless I fly into the sky.",kite -"Iron roof, glass walls, burns and burns and never falls.",lantern -"I am the red tongue of the earth, that buries cities.",lava -"They're up near the sky, on something very tall. Sometimes they die, only then do they fall.",leaves -"Walk on the living, they don’t even mumble. Walk on the dead, they mutter and grumble",leaves -"I do not breathe, but I run and jump. I do not eat, but I swim and stretch. I do not drink, but I sleep and stand. I do not think, but I grow and play. I do not see, but you see me everyday.",leg -What building has the most stories?,library -I'm sometimes white and always wrong. I can break a heart and hurt the strong. I can build love or tear it down. I can make a smile or bring a frown.,lie -What an fill a room but takes up no space?,light -What goes in the water black and comes out red?,lobster -"A dagger thrust at my own heart, dictates the way I'm swayed. Left I stand, and right I yield, to the twisting of the blade.",lock -"In your fire you hear me scream, creaking and whining, yet I am dead before you lay me in your hearth.",log -What can touch someone once and last them a life time?,love -I have rivers without water. Forests without trees. Mountains without rocks. Towns without houses.,map -"Tool of thief, toy of queen. Always used to be unseen. Sign of joy, sign of sorrow. Giving all likeness borrowed.",mask -"Take one out and scratch my head, I am now black but once was red.",match -"What can bring back the dead. Make us cry, make us laugh, make us young. Born in an instant yet lasts a life time?",memory -I'm a god. I'm a planet. I measure heat.,mercury -"You can spin, wheel and twist. But this thing can turn without moving.",milk -"Something wholly unreal, yet seems real to I. Think my friend, tell me where does it lie?",mind -"I look at you, you look at me, I raise my right, you raise your left.",mirror -If you drop me I'm sure to crack. But give me a smile and I'll always smile back.,mirror -Look into my face and I'm everybody. Scratch my back and I'm nobody.,mirror -"When there is fire in me then I am still cold. When I own your true love’s face then you will not see me. To all things I give no more than I am given. In time I may have all things, and yet I can keep nothing. ",mirror -"A hill full, a hole full, yet you cannot catch a bowl full.",mist -What goes further the slower it goes?,money -"Always old, sometimes new. Never sad, sometimes blue. Never empty, sometimes full. Never pushes, always pulls.",moon -"I am the hole in the night, the ever watchful eye. I return in a cycle, to enlighten the sky.",moon -"I'm white, I'm round, but not always around. Sometimes you see me, sometimes you don't.",moon -"It comes only before, it comes only after. Rises only in darkness, but rises only in light. It is always the same, but is yet always different.",moon -"My love, when I gaze on thy beautiful face. Careering along, yet always in place, the thought has often come into my mind. If I ever shall see thy glorious behind.",moon -"Pregnant every time you see her, yet she never will give birth.",moon -"Scythe of darkness, Shadow’s light. Guiding eye of thirteenth sight.",moon -"What has roots as nobody sees, is taller than trees. Up, up it goes, and yet never grows?",mountain -What kind of room has no windows or doors?,mushroom -"At the sound of me, one may dream or stamp their feet, At the sound of me, one may laugh or sometimes weep.",music -Who works when he plays and plays when he works?,musician -I hide but my head is outside.,nail -"What is it that was given to you, belongs only to you. And yet your friends use it more than you do?",name -"An iron horse with a flaxen tail. The faster the horse runs, the shorter his tail becomes.",needle -What has a single eye but cannot see?,needle -"What is long and slim, works in light. Has but one eye, and an awful bite?",needle -A house of wood in a hidden place. Built without nails or glue. High above the earthen ground. It holds pale gems of blue.,nest -"Hold the tail, while I fish for you.",net -"I can be written, I can be spoken, I can be exposed, I can be broken.",news -"Sometimes I am loud. And viewed with distaste. Poke out my 'eye', then I'm on the front of your face.",noise -"What word is the same written forward, backward and upside down?",noon -"Gets rid of bad ones, short and tall. Tightens when used, one size fits all.",noose -"I can run but not walk. Wherever I go, thought follows close behind.",nose -Two little holes in the side of a hill. Just as you come to the cherry-red mill.,nose -"It is greater than God and more evil than the devil. The poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it you'll die.",nothing -"What does man love more than life, fear more than death or mortal strife. What the poor have, the rich require, and what contented men desire. What the miser spends, and the spendthrift saves. And all men carry to their graves.",nothing -"A man went to the hardware store to buy items for his house. 1 would cost $.25. 12 would cost $.50. 122 would cost $.75. When he left the store he had spent $.75, what did he buy?",numbers -"A little house full of meat, no door to go in and eat.",nut -"I am the fountain from which no one can drink. For many I am considered a necessary link. Like gold to all I am sought for, but my continued death brings wealth for all to want more.",oil -"Take off my skin, I won't cry, but you will.",onion -You use a knife to slice my head. And weep beside me when I am dead.,onion -"Gold in a leather bag, swinging on a tree, money after honey in its time. Ills of a scurvy crew cured by the sea, reason in its season but no rhyme.",orange -What asks but never answers?,owl -"It holds most knowledge that has ever been said. But is not the brain, is not the head. To feathers and their masters, it's both bane and boon…One empty, and one full.",paper -"Half-way up the hill, I see you at last, lying beneath me with your sounds and sights. A city in the twilight, dim and vast, with smoking roofs, soft bells, and gleaming lights.",past -The eight of us move forth and back. To protect our king from the foes attack.,pawns -"A seed am I, three letters make my name. Take away two and I still sound the same.",pea -The strangest creature you'll ever find has two eyes in front and a hundred behind.,peacock -"A house with two occupants, sometimes one, rarely three. Break the walls, eat the boarders, then throw away me.",peanut -"Lovely and round, I shine with pale light, grown in the darkness, a lady's delight.",pearl -"I am the tool, for inspiring many. Buy me in the store, for not much more than a penny. Don't overuse me, or my usefulness will go.",pen -I usually wear a yellow coat. I usually have a dark head. I make marks wherever I go.,pencil -"What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?",penny -"A woman shoots her husband, then holds him under water for five minutes. Finally, she hangs him. Five minutes later they enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?",photo -"I am a box that holds keys without locks, yet they can unlock your soul. ",piano -My first is twice in apple but not once in tart. My second is in liver but not in heart. My third is in giant and also in ghost. Whole I’m best when I am roast.,pig -What loses its head in the morning and gets it back at night?,pillow -"What makes a loud noise when changing its jacket, becomes larger but weighs less?",popcorn -"A skin have I, more eyes than one. I can be very nice when I am done.",potato -"What can be swallowed, But can also swallow you?",pride -He has married many women but has never married.,priest -"I cannot be other than what I am, until the man who made me dies. Power and glory will fall to me finally. Only when he last closes his eyes.",prince -"Three little letters. A paradox to some. The worse that it is, the better it becomes.",pun -"Different lights do make me strange, thus into different sizes I will change.",pupil -Only two backbones and thousands of ribs.,railroad -I have split the one into five. I am the circle that few will spy. I am the path that breaks and gives. I am the bow no man may bend.,rainbow -"Break it and it is better, immediately set and harder to break again.",record -"You can see nothing else, When you look in my face, I will look you in the eye, And I will never lie.",reflection -"You saw me where I never was and where I could not be. And yet within that very place, my face you often see. ",reflection -What can be heard and caught but never seen?,remark -"I am never quite what I appear to be. Straight-forward I seem, but it's only skin deep. For mystery most often lies beneath my simple speech. Sharpen your wits, open your eyes, look beyond my exteriors, read me backwards, forwards, upside down. Think and answer the question...",riddle -"To unravel me you need a simple key, no key that was made by locksmith's hand. But a key that only I will understand.",riddle -"It has no top or bottom, but it can hold flesh, bones, and blood all at the same time.",ring -"What always runs but never walks, often murmurs, never talks, has a bed but never sleeps, has a mouth but never eats?",river -I run through hills. I veer around mountains. I leap over rivers. And crawl through the forests. Step out your door to find me.,road -Snake coiled round and round. Snake deep below the ground. Snake that's never had a head. Snake that binds but not with dread.,rope -"Ten men's strength, ten men's length. Ten men can't break it, yet a young boy walks off with it.",rope -"What can burn the eyes, sting the mouth, yet be consumed?",salt -I build up castles. I tear down mountains. I make some men blind. I help others to see.,sand -"One by one we fall from heaven down into the depths of past, And our world is ever upturned so that yet some time we’ll last.",sand -What measures out time. Until in time all is smashed to it?,sand -I bind it and it walks. I loose it and it stops.,sandal -"My teeth are sharp, my back is straight, to cut things up it is my fate.",saw -"I open wide and tight I shut, Sharp am I and paper-cut fingers too, so do take care, I'm good and bad, so best beware.",scissors -"If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it.",secret -"By Moon or by Sun, I shall be found. Yet I am undone, if there's no light around.",shadow -"Each morning I appear to lie at your feet, all day I follow no matter how fast you run. Yet I nearly perish in the midday sun.",shadow -I crawl on the earth. And rise on a pillar.,shadow -"Only one color, but not one size. Stuck at the bottom, yet easily flies. Present in sun, but not in rain. Doing no harm, and feeling no pain.",shadow -"Tall in the morning, short at noon, gone at night. But I'll be back soon.",shadow -"Of these things - I have two. One for me - and one for you. And when you ask about the price, I simply smile and nod twice.",sharing -"Weight in my belly, Trees on my back, I travel fast in my place, but feet is a feature I lack",ship -Whilst I was engaged in sitting. I spied the dead carrying the living,ship -"What has a neck and no head, two arms but no hands?",shirt -Iron on a mammal. Mammal on your feet.,shoe -"Runs over fields and woods all day. Under the bed at night sits not alone, With long tongue hanging out, Resting at your feet until we go for a walk",shoe -What runs around all day. Then lies under the bed. With its tongue hanging out?,shoe -"In buckles or lace, they help set the pace. The farther you go, the thinner they grow.",shoes -What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two more letters?,short -"What is round as a dishpan, deep as a tub, and still the oceans couldn't fill it up?",sieve -What is so fragile that saying its name breaks it?,silence -"My first is in some but not in all. My second is into but not in tall. My third in little but no in big. My fourth in port but not in pig. My whole is made in nature's way. For clothing, rugs used every day.",silk -A beggar's brother went out to sea and drowned. But the man who drowned had no brother. Who was the beggar to the man who drowned?,sister -"Double my number, I'm less than a score. Half of my number is less than four. Add one to my double when bakers are near. Days of the week are still greater, I fear.",six -"I am whole but incomplete. I have no eyes, yet I see. You can see, and see right through me. My largest part is one fourth of what I once was.",skeleton -Twigs and spheres and poles and plates. Join and bind to reason make.,skeleton -"When liquid splashes me, none seeps through. When I am moved a lot, liquid I spew. When I am hit, color I change. And color, I come in quite a range. What I cover is very complex, and I am very easy to flex.",skin -"I weaken all men for hours each day. I show you strange visions while you are away. I take you by night, by day take you back. None suffer to have me, but do from my lack.",sleep -"A mile from end to end, yet as close to as a friend. A precious commodity, freely given. Seen on the dead and on the living. Found on the rich, poor, short and tall, but shared among children most of all. ",smile -"A house full, a yard full, a chimney full, no one can get a spoonful.",smoke -"If a man carried my burden, he would break his back. I am not rich, but leave silver in my track.",snail -Who is he that runs without a leg. And his house on his back?,snail -"I can sizzle like bacon, I am made with an egg. I have plenty of backbone, but lack a good leg. I peel layers like onions, but still remain whole. I can be long, like a flagpole, yet fit in a hole.",snake -"As beautiful as the setting sun, as delicate as the morning dew. An angel's dusting from the stars. That can turn the Earth into a frosted moon.",snow -"High born, my touch is gentle. Purest white is my lace. Silence is my kingdom. Green is the color of my death.",snow -"White bird, featherless, flying out of paradise. Flying over sea and land. Dying in my hand.",snow -"I saw a man in white, he looked quite a sight. He was not old, but he stood in the cold. And when he felt the sun, he started to run. Who could he be? Please answer me.",snowman -"They made me a mouth, but didn't give me breath. Water gives me life, but the sun brings me death.",snowman -"You use it between your head and your toes, the more it works the thinner it grows.",soap -"I cannot be felt, seen or touched. Yet I can be found in everybody. My existence is always in debate. Yet I have my own style of music.",soul -"What surrounds the world, yet dwells within a thimble?",space -"A horrid monster hides from the day, with many legs and many eyes. With silver chains it catches prey. And eats it all before it dies. Yet in every cottage does it stay. And every castle beneath the sky.",spider -"I move without wings, Between silken string, I leave as you find, My substance behind.",spider -"I went to the woods and got it, when i got it didn’t want it, looked for it, couldn’t find it so I took it home.",splinter -"I'm full of holes, yet I'm full of water.",sponge -"We travel much, yet prisoners are, and close confined to boot. Yet with any horse, we will keep the pace, and will always go on foot.",spurs -A nut cracker up in a tree.,squirrel -"As a whole, I am both safe and secure. Behead me, I become a place of meeting. Behead me again, I am the partner of ready. Restore me, I become the domain of beasts.",stable -"What has wings, but can not fly. Is enclosed, but can outside also lie. Can open itself up, or close itself away. Is the place of kings and queens and doggerel of every means. What is it upon which I stand? Which can lead us to different lands.",stage -"Upon me you can tread, though softly under cover. And I will take you places, that you have yet to discover. I'm high, and I'm low, though flat in the middle. And though a joy to the children, adults think of me little.",stairs -What goes around the world and stays in a corner?,stamp -"With pointed fangs it sits in wait. With piercing force it doles out fate, over bloodless victims proclaiming its might. Eternally joining in a single bite.",stapler -At night I come without being fetched. By day I am lost without being stolen.,stars -"We are all around, yet to us you are half blind. Sunlight makes us invisible, and difficult to find.",stars -"The more you take, the more you leave behind.",steps -"Four of us are in your field, But our differences keep us at yield, First, a one that is no fool, Though he resembles a gardener’s tool, Next, one difficult to split in two, And a girl once had one as big as her shoe, Then, to the mind, one’s a lovely bonder, And truancy makes it grow fonder, Last, a stem connecting dots of three",suits -Inside a great blue castle lives a shy young maid. She blushes in the morning and comes not out at night.,sun -My children are near and far. No matter that I know where they are. The gift I give them make their day. But if I were gone they would wander away.,sun -What goes through the door without pinching itself? What sits on the stove without burning itself? What sits on the table and is not ashamed?,sun -"I appear in the morning. But am always there. You can never see me. Though I am everywhere. By night I am gone, though I sometimes never was. Nothing can defeat me. But I am easily gone.",sunlight -"Sleeping during the day, I hide away. Watchful through the night, I open at dawn's light. But only for the briefest time, do I shine. And then I hide away. And sleep through the day.",sunrise -"A dragons tooth in a mortals hand, I kill, I maim, I divide the land.",sword -With sharp edged wit and pointed poise. It can settle disputes without making a noise.,sword -He has one and a person has two. A citizen has three. And a human being has four. A personality has five. And an inhabitant of earth has six.,syllable -Late afternoons I often bathe. I'll soak in water piping hot. My essence goes through. My see through clothes. Used up am I - I've gone to pot.,teabag -"What starts with a 'T', ends with a 'T', and has T in it?",teapot -"Soldiers line up spaced with pride. Two long rows lined side by side. One sole unit can decide, if the rows will unite or divide.",teeth -"Thirty white horses on a red hill, First they champ, Then they stamp, Then they stand still.",teeth -"You must keep this thing. Its loss will affect your brothers. For once yours is lost, it will soon be lost by others.",temper -"What is often returned, but never borrowed/",thanks -"What can't you see, hear or feel, until its too late. What shadows love, and shopkeepers hate?",thief -"An open ended barrel, it is shaped like a hive. It is filled with the flesh, and the flesh is alive.",thimble -"He stands beside the road. In a purple cap at tattered green cloak. Those who touch him, curse him.",thistle -"I walked and walked and at last I got it. I didn't want it. So I stopped and looked for it. When I found it, I threw it away.",thorn -"Soft and fragile is my skin, I get my growth in mud. I’m dangerous as much as pretty, for if not careful, I draw blood.",thorn -"Used left or right, I get to travel over cobblestone or gravel. Used up, I vie for sweet success, used down, I cause men great duress.",thumb -"Fatherless and motherless. Born without sin, roared when it came into the world. And never spoke again.",thunder -When the day after tomorrow is yesterday. Today will be as far from Wednesday. As today was from Wednesday. When the day before yesterday was tomorrow. What is the day after this day?,thursday -"In we go, out we go. All around and in a row. Always, always steady flow. When we'll stop, you'll never known. In we go, out we go.",tides -"There are two meanings to me. With one I may need to be broken, with the other I hold on. My favorite characteristic is my charming dimple.",tie -Mountains will crumble and temples will fall. And no man can survive its endless call.,time -"This thing all things devours: Birds, beasts, trees, flowers; Gnaws iron, bites steel; Grinds hard stones to meal; Slays king, ruins town, And beats high mountains down.",time -"Until I am measured I am not known, Yet how you miss me when I have flown.",time -What flies without wings? What passes all things? What mends all sorrow? What brings the morrow?,time -"What is it which builds things up? Lays mountains low? Dries up lakes, and makes things grow? Cares not a whim about your passing? And is like few other things, because it is everlasting?",time -"I never was, am always to be. No one ever saw me, nor ever will. And yet I am the confidence of all, To live and breath on this terrestrial ball. ",tomorrow -"Forward I’m heavy, but backwards I’m not. ",ton -Often held but never touched. Always wet but never rusts. Often bits but seldom bit. To use it well you must have wit.,tongue -Blend a teapot shot so the pearlies won’t rot!,toothpaste -What gets wetter as it dries?,towel -"I saw a strange creature. Long, hard, and straight, thrusting into a round, dark opening. Preparing to discharge its load of lives. Puffing and squealing noises accompanied it, then a final screech as it slowed and stopped.",train -Dies half its life. Lives the rest. Dances without music. Breathes without breath.,tree -"I am mother and father, but never birth or nurse. I'm rarely still, but I never wander.",tree -"Reaching stiffly for the sky, I bare my fingers when its cold. In warmth I wear an emerald glove and in between I dress in gold.",tree -"Some live in me, some live on. And some shave me to stride upon. I rarely leave my native land. Until my death I always stand. High and low I may be found. Both above and below ground.",tree -"Creatures of power, creatures of grade, creatures of beauty, creatures of strength. As for their lives, they set everything's pace. For all things must come to live. Under their emerald embrace…Either in their life or in their death.",trees -"Who is it that rows quickly with four oars, but never comes out from under his own roof?",turtle -What goes up when the rain comes down?,umbrella -"My voice is tender, my waist is slender and I'm often invited to play. Yet wherever I go, I must take my bow or else I have nothing to say.",violin -"What instrument can make any sound and be heart, but not touched or seen?",voice -My thunder comes before the lightning. My lightning comes before the clouds. My rain dries all the land it touches.,volcano -We are five little objects of an everyday sort. You will find us all in a tennis court.,vowels -"I run around the city, but I never move.",wall -"As soft as silk, as white as milk, as bitter as gall, a thick green wall, and a green coat covers me all.",walnut -"A harvest sown and reaped on the same day in an unplowed field. Which increases without growing, remains whole though it is eaten within and without. Is useless and yet the staple of nations.",war -"It is a part of us, and then replaced. It escapes out bodies, to a better place. The world becomes its sizeable home. Its passions unrestraint, the planet it roams.",water -"Runs smoother than any rhyme, loves to fall but cannot climb!",water -Three lives have I. Gentle enough to soothe the skin. Light enough to caress the sky. Hard enough to crack rocks.,water -"Bright as diamonds, Loud as thunder, Never still, A thing of wonder.",waterfall -The moon is my father. The sea is my mother. I have a million brothers. I die when I reach land.,wave -"My first is in wield, sever bones and marrow. My second is in blade, forged in cold steel. My third is an arbalest, and also in arrows. My fourth is in power, plunged through a shield. My fifth is in honor, and also in vows. My last will put an end to it all.",weapon -As round as an apple. As deep as a cup. All the king's horses can't pull it up.,well -"I go around in circles, but always straight ahead. Never complain, no matter where I am led.",wheel -"A leathery snake, with a stinging bite. I'll stay coiled up, unless I must fight.",whip -"All about, but cannot be seen, Can be captured, cannot be held, No throat, but can be heard.",wind -"I pass before the sun, but make no shadow. ",wind -"Voiceless it cries,Voiceless it cries, Wingless flutters, Toothless bites, Mouthless mutters.",wind -"What flies forever, Rests never?",wind -"I have four wings but cannot fly. I never laugh and never cry. On the same spot always found, toiling away with little sound.",windmill -There is an ancient invention. Still used in some parts of the world today. That allows people to see through walls.,window -"When young, I am sweet in the sun. When middle-aged, I make you gay. When old, I am valued more than ever.",wine -"I am the heart that does not beat. If cut, I bleed without blood. I can fly, but have no wings. I can float, but have no fins. I can sing, but have no mouth.",wood -What is it that you must give before you can keep it.,word -"What does no man want, yet no man want to lose?",work -What must be in the oven yet can not be baked? Grows in the heat yet shuns the light of day? What sinks in water but rises with air? Looks like skin but is fine as hair?,yeast -"I turn polar bears white and I will make you cry, And girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid and normal people look like celebrities. I turn pancakes brown and make your champane bubble. If you squeen me, I'll pop. If you look at me, you'll pop. Can you guess the riddle?",no diff --git a/data/datasets/trivia.json b/data/datasets/trivia.json deleted file mode 100644 index 9dfcc49..0000000 --- a/data/datasets/trivia.json +++ /dev/null @@ -1,47210 +0,0 @@ -[ - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "A person can get sunburned on a cloudy day.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which English football club has the nickname 'The Foxes'?", - "correct_answer": "Leicester City", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Northampton Town", - "Bradford City", - "West Bromwich Albion" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which type of rock is created by intense heat AND pressure?", - "correct_answer": "Metamorphic", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sedimentary", - "Igneous", - "Diamond" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Moore's law originally stated that the number of transistors on a microprocessor chip would double every...", - "correct_answer": "Year", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Four Years", - "Two Years", - "Eight Years" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What does AD stand for in relation to Windows Operating Systems? ", - "correct_answer": "Active Directory", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Alternative Drive", - "Automated Database", - "Active Department" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Unturned originally started as a Roblox game.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the comic book "Archie", Betty is friends with Veronica because she is rich.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The series of the Intel HD graphics generation succeeding that of the 5000 and 6000 series (Broadwell) is called:", - "correct_answer": "HD Graphics 500", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "HD Graphics 700 ", - "HD Graphics 600", - "HD Graphics 7000" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The "Berenstein Bears" is the correct spelling of the educational children's book series' name.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which horizon in a soil profile consists of bedrock?", - "correct_answer": "R", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "O", - "B", - "D" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The game "Battlefield 1" takes place during World War I.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which US state has the highest population?", - "correct_answer": "California", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "New York", - "Texas", - "Florida" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Bulls are attracted to the color red.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What prime number comes next after 19?", - "correct_answer": "23", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "25", - "21", - "27" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Shaquille O'Neal appeared in the 1997 film "Space Jam".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the cause of death for Freddie Mercury?", - "correct_answer": "Pneumonia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Stomach Cancer", - "HIV", - "Brain Hemorrhage" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these car models are produced by Lamborghini?", - "correct_answer": "Aventador", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Huayra", - "918", - "Chiron" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who created the Cartoon Network series "Adventure Time"?", - "correct_answer": "Pendleton Ward", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "J. G. Quintel", - "Ben Bocquelet", - "Rebecca Sugar" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Dee from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" has dated all of the following guys EXCEPT", - "correct_answer": "Matthew "Rickety Cricket" Mara", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Colin the Thief", - "Ben the Soldier", - "Kevin Gallagher aka Lil' Kevin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which issue of the "Sonic the Hedgehog" comic did Scourge the Hedgehog make his first appearance?", - "correct_answer": "Sonic the Hedgehog #11", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sonic Universe #32", - "Sonic the Hedgehog #161", - "Sonic the Hedgehog #47" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the surname of the character Daryl in AMC's show The Walking Dead?", - "correct_answer": "Dixon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Grimes", - "Dickinson", - "Dicketson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Fast food restaurant chains Carl's Jr. and Hardee's are owned by the same company.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Fallout 4", what is the name of the dog you find at Red Rocket truck stop?", - "correct_answer": "Dogmeat", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sparky", - "Quazar", - "Chop" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Las Vegas casino was originally constructed and operated by mobster Bugsy Siegel?", - "correct_answer": "The Flamingo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The MGM Grand", - "The Sands", - "The Sahara" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Norway has a larger land area than Sweden.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Portal, the Companion Cube's ARE sentient.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the original name of New York City?", - "correct_answer": "New Amsterdam", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "New London", - "New Paris", - "New Rome" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which documentary film maker wrote and starred in the film "My Scientology Movie" which first debuted in 2015?", - "correct_answer": "Louis Theroux", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Errol Morris", - "Joe Berlinger", - "Adam Curtis" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which "Perk-A-Cola" in "Call Of Duty: Zombies" was "reworked" in "Call of Duty: Black Ops II"?", - "correct_answer": "Double Tap Root Beer", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Who's Who", - "Juggernog", - "Mule Kick" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the "Call Of Duty: Zombies" map "Origins", how many numbered power generators are there?", - "correct_answer": "6", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "8", - "5", - "3" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Call of Duty: Black Ops III" Zombies, what does completing all the main easter eggs reward you with?", - "correct_answer": "1,000,000 XP", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Juggernog at the start of each game", - "50 Liquid Diviniums", - "All three options." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the name of the inflatable duck sacrified to the crowd at the end of Episode 34 of the 18th season of Big Brother?", - "correct_answer": "Pablo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Esteban", - "Carlos", - "Duckster" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "On which aircraft carrier did the Doolitte Raid launch from on April 18, 1942 during World War II?", - "correct_answer": "USS Hornet", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "USS Enterprise", - "USS Lexington", - "USS Saratoga" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "By which name is Ramon Estevez better known as?", - "correct_answer": "Martin Sheen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Charlie Sheen", - "Ramon Sheen", - "Emilio Estevez" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What company developed the vocaloid Hatsune Miku?", - "correct_answer": "Crypton Future Media", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sega", - "Sony", - "Yamaha Corporation" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Approximately how long is a year on Uranus?", - "correct_answer": "84 Earth years", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "47 Earth years", - "62 Earth years", - "109 Earth years" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Kingdom Hearts which of the following people can NOT wield a keyblade?", - "correct_answer": "Larxene", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Xehanort", - "Lea", - "Mickey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Kingdom Hearts series, which is not an optional boss you can fight?", - "correct_answer": "Master Yen Sid", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sephiroth", - "Julius", - "Kurt Zisa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is "Stenoma"?", - "correct_answer": "A genus of moths", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A combat stimulant from WW2", - "A type of seasoning", - "A port city in the carribean" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these Disney classics was released in 1970?", - "correct_answer": "The Aristocats", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "One Hundred and One Dalmatians", - "The Fox and the Hound", - "The Little Mermaid" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the ARPG "Path of Exile," what is the highest amount of sockets that an item can have?", - "correct_answer": "6", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "5", - "4", - "8" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Mexican Beer "Corona" is what type of beer?", - "correct_answer": "Pale Lager", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "India Pale Ale", - "Pilfsner", - "Baltic Porter" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What historical time period was the center of the Assassin’s Creed movie (2016)?", - "correct_answer": "Spanish Inquisition", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Victorian England", - "French Revolution", - "Colonial America" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the most potent toxin known?", - "correct_answer": "Botulinum toxin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ricin", - "Cyanide", - "Asbestos" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "After India, which country produces the second most movies per year?", - "correct_answer": "Nigeria", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "United States", - "China", - "France" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was Tetris created by?", - "correct_answer": "Alexey Pajitnov", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Toru Iwatani", - "Allan Alcorn", - "William Higinbotham" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which city hosted the CS:GO Dreamhack Open 2015?", - "correct_answer": "Cluj-Napoca", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cologne", - "Atlanta", - "London" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the race horse that Tony Soprano becomes attached to?", - "correct_answer": "Pie-O-My", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Man o' war", - "Bada Bing", - "Honest Earnings" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How old is the universe?", - "correct_answer": "13.8 Billion Years", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "4.5 Billion Years", - "7.9 Billion Years", - "16.2 Billion Years" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Mario Kart and Smash Bros. Games, Princess Rosalina is considered what weight class?", - "correct_answer": "Heavy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Medium", - "Light", - "Light-Medium" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What name did "Mario", from "Super Mario Brothers", originally have?", - "correct_answer": "Ossan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jumpman", - "Mr. Video", - "Mario" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following created and directed the Katamari Damacy series?", - "correct_answer": "Keita Takahashi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hideki Kamiya", - "Shu Takumi", - "Shinji Mikami" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the largest city and commercial capital of Sri Lanka?", - "correct_answer": "Colombo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Moratuwa", - "Negombo", - "Kandy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a player class in Team Fortress 2?", - "correct_answer": "Healer", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Demoman", - "Pyro", - "Spy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the best selling album of all time from 1976 to 2018?", - "correct_answer": "Thriller", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Back in Black", - "Abbey Road", - "The Dark Side of the Moon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "There are no roads in/out of Juneau, Alaska.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the protagonist in the game "The Walking Dead: Season One"?", - "correct_answer": "Lee Everett", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Clementine", - "Kenny", - "Rick Grimes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many degrees Fahrenheit is 100 degrees Celsius? ", - "correct_answer": "212", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "326", - "100", - "451" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The land of Gotland is located in which European country?", - "correct_answer": "Sweden", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Denmark", - "Norway", - "Germany" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following ancient peoples was NOT classified as Hellenic (Greek)?", - "correct_answer": "Illyrians", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dorians", - "Achaeans", - "Ionians" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these artists was NOT a member of the electronic music supergroup Swedish House Mafia, which split up in 2013?", - "correct_answer": "Alesso", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Steve Angello", - "Sebastian Ingrosso", - "Axwell" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the very first video uploaded to YouTube?", - "correct_answer": "Me at the zoo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "tribute", - "carrie rides a truck", - "Her new puppy from great grandpa vern." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The rights to the "Rayman" series are owned by which company?", - "correct_answer": "Ubisoft", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nintendo", - "EA", - "Sony" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following collision avoidance systems helps airplanes avoid colliding with each other?", - "correct_answer": "TCAS", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "GPWS", - "OCAS", - "TAWS" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these characters in "Stranger Things" has the power of Telekinesis?", - "correct_answer": "Eleven", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mike", - "Lucas", - "Karen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In World of Warcraft lore, who was first to have the title "The Ashbringer"?", - "correct_answer": "Alexandros Mograine", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tirion Fordring", - "Arthas Menethil", - "Uther the Lightbringer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What year was the game "Overwatch" revealed?", - "correct_answer": "2014", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2015", - "2011", - "2008" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "On average, at least 1 person is killed by a drunk driver in the United States every hour.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of French electronic music producer Madeon's 2015 debut studio album?", - "correct_answer": "Adventure", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The City", - "Icarus", - "Pop Culture" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the area of Vatican City?", - "correct_answer": "0.44km^2", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "0.10km^2", - "0.86km^2", - "12.00km^2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Rebecca Chambers does not appear in any Resident Evil except for the original Resident Evil and the Gamecube remake.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "There is a Donald Trump Board Game, which was made in 1989.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Chemistry, how many isomers does Butanol (C4H9OH) have?", - "correct_answer": "4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "3", - "5", - "6" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following is not a piece from the 1950's musical West Side Story?", - "correct_answer": "The Back Alley", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Maria", - "Tonight", - "Mambo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is Canada's largest island?", - "correct_answer": "Baffin Island", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Prince Edward Island", - "Vancouver Island", - "Newfoundland" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which animated film did Steven Lisberger direct in 1980 before going on to direct Tron?", - "correct_answer": "Animalympics", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Fox and the Hound", - "The Black Cauldron", - "The Great Mouse Detecive" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who won Big Brother 2014 UK?", - "correct_answer": "Helen Wood", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Christopher Hall", - "Pauline Bennett", - "Pavandeep "Pav" Paul" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which movie does Robin Williams' character have to disguise themselves into a woman?", - "correct_answer": "Mrs. Doubtfire", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Old Dogs", - "Jumanji", - "Awakenings" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the exact length of one non-curved part in Lane 1 of an Olympic Track?", - "correct_answer": "84.39m", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "100m", - "100yd", - "109.36yd" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When was the DVD invented?", - "correct_answer": "1995", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2000", - "1990", - "1980" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which years did the Battle of Gallipoli take place?", - "correct_answer": "1915 - 1916", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1914 - 1918", - "1914 - 1915", - "1915 - 1918" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Klingons once had a period of Democracy in their history, they referred to it as the "Dark Times".", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The board game Go has more possible legal positions than the number of atoms in the visible universe.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the "Dragon Ball" franchise, what is the name of Goku's brother?", - "correct_answer": "Raditz", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gohan", - "Vegeta", - "Bardock" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The ADAM collecters in the Bioshock series are known as Little Sisters.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the "To Love-Ru" series, Golden Darkness is sent to kill Lala Deviluke.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which programming language was developed by Sun Microsystems in 1995?", - "correct_answer": "Java", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Python", - "Solaris OS", - "C++" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What three movies, in order from release date, make up the "Dollars Trilogy"?", - "correct_answer": ""A Fistful of Dollars", "For a Few Dollars More", "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly"", - "incorrect_answers": [ - ""The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly", "For A Few Dollars More", "A Fistful of Dollars"", - ""For a Few Dollars More", "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly", "A Fistful of Dollars"", - ""For a Few Dollars More", "A Fistful of Dollars", "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly"" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these was an official candidate in the 2017 British General Election?", - "correct_answer": "Lord Buckethead", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "James Francis", - "Robert Wimbledon", - "Sir Crumpetsby" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the development code name for the "Urza's Destiny" expansion for "Magic: The Gathering", released in 1999?", - "correct_answer": "Chimichanga", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Burrito", - "Taquito", - "Enchilada" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which studio animated Afro Samurai?", - "correct_answer": "Gonzo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kyoto Animation", - "xebec", - "Production I.G" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Nephelococcygia is the practice of doing what?", - "correct_answer": "Finding shapes in clouds", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sleeping with your eyes open", - "Breaking glass with your voice", - "Swimming in freezing water" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the "Mitsubishi Wakamaru"?", - "correct_answer": "A robot", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A pickup truck", - "An motorcycle", - "A motorboat" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the common term for bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE)?", - "correct_answer": "Mad Cow disease", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Weil's disease", - "Milk fever", - "Foot-and-mouth disease" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the highest number of Michelin stars a restaurant can receive?", - "correct_answer": "Three", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Four", - "Five", - "Six" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the topscorer for England national football team?", - "correct_answer": "Wayne Rooney", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "David Beckham", - "Steven Gerrard", - "Michael Owen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was the first mammal successfully cloned?", - "correct_answer": "1996", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2009", - "1999", - "1985" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was Sir Handel's original name in "The Railway Series" and it's animated counterpart "Thomas and Friends?"", - "correct_answer": "Falcon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Eagle", - "Kyte", - "Swallow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The “fairy” type made it’s debut in which generation of the Pokemon core series games?", - "correct_answer": "6th", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2nd", - "7th", - "4th" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What type of Pokémon is Charizard?", - "correct_answer": "Fire/Flying", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fire", - "Dragon", - "Fire/Dragon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the main character of Metal Gear Solid 2?", - "correct_answer": "Raiden", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Solidus Snake", - "Big Boss", - "Venom Snake" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the 1984 movie "The Terminator", what model number is the Terminator portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger?", - "correct_answer": "T-800", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "I-950", - "T-888", - "T-1000" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these games was the earliest known first-person shooter with a known time of publication?", - "correct_answer": "Spasim", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Doom", - "Wolfenstein", - "Quake" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Republic of Malta is the smallest microstate worldwide.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the only voice actor to have a speaking part in all of the Disney Pixar feature films? ", - "correct_answer": "John Ratzenberger", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tom Hanks", - "Dave Foley", - "Geoffrey Rush" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the capital of Denmark?", - "correct_answer": "Copenhagen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Aarhus", - "Odense", - "Aalborg" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "All of the following are names of the Seven Warring States EXCEPT:", - "correct_answer": "Zhai (\u7fdf)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Zhao (\u8d99)", - "Qin (\u79e6)", - "Qi (\u9f4a)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the star of the TV series "24"?", - "correct_answer": "Kiefer Sutherland", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kevin Bacon", - "Hugh Laurie", - "Rob Lowe" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Pac-Man was invented by the designer Toru Iwatani while he was eating pizza.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following chemicals are found in eggplant seeds?", - "correct_answer": "Nicotine", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mescaline", - "Cyanide", - "Psilocybin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What special item did the creators of Cards Against Humanity ship for their Black Friday pack?", - "correct_answer": "Bull Feces", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A Card Expansion", - "A Racist Toy", - "Cat Urine" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these games includes the phrase "Do not pass Go, do not collect $200"?", - "correct_answer": "Monopoly", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pay Day", - "Cluedo", - "Coppit" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Overwatch," an allied McCree will say "Step right up" upon using his ultimate ability Deadeye.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Bohdan Khmelnytsky was which of the following?", - "correct_answer": "Leader of the Ukrainian Cossacks", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "General Secretary of the Communist Party of the USSR", - "Prince of Wallachia", - "Grand Prince of Novgorod" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the protagonist in Dead Rising (2006)?", - "correct_answer": "Frank West", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chuck Greene", - "John North", - "Jason Grey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the last letter of the Greek alphabet?", - "correct_answer": "Omega", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mu", - "Epsilon", - "Kappa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Antarctica is the largest desert in the world.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which company did Bethesda purchase the Fallout Series from?", - "correct_answer": "Interplay Entertainment ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Capcom", - "Blizzard Entertainment", - "Nintendo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these weapon classes DO NOT appear in the first Monster Hunter game?", - "correct_answer": "Bow ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hammer", - "Heavy Bowgun", - "Light Bowgun" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Counter Strike: Global Offensive, what is the code implanted onto the C4 as the Terrorists plant the bomb?", - "correct_answer": "7355608", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "7890728", - "7256380", - "7726354" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which one of these is not a real game in the Dungeons & Dragons series?", - "correct_answer": "Extreme Dungeons & Dragons", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Advanced Dungeons & Dragons", - "Dungeons & Dragons 3.5th edition", - "Advanced Dungeons & Dragons 2nd edition" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was Radiohead's first album?", - "correct_answer": "Pablo Honey", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Bends", - "Kid A", - "A Moon Shaped Pool" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the first .hack game?", - "correct_answer": ".hack//Infection", - "incorrect_answers": [ - ".hack//Zero", - ".hack//Sign", - ".hack//Liminality" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the busiest port in Europe?", - "correct_answer": "Port of Rotterdam", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Port of Antwerp", - "Port of Hamburg", - "Port of Amsterdam" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Hundred Years' War was fought for more than a hundred years.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What level do you have to be to get a service medal on CS:GO?", - "correct_answer": "40", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "50", - "30", - "20" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What nickname was given to Air Canada Flight 143 after it ran out of fuel and glided to safety in 1983?", - "correct_answer": "Gimli Glider", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gimli Microlight", - "Gimli Chaser", - "Gimli Superb" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When was the iPhone released?", - "correct_answer": "2007", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2005", - "2006", - "2004" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Star Trek", Klingons are aliens.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which person from "JoJo's Bizarre Adventure" does NOT house a reference to a band, artist, or song earlier than 1980?", - "correct_answer": "Giorno Giovanna", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Josuke Higashikata", - "Jolyne Cujoh", - "Johnny Joestar" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was Club Penguin launched?", - "correct_answer": "October 24, 2005", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "October 21, 2005", - "March 29, 2006", - "November 22, 2004" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who won the "Champions League" in 1999?", - "correct_answer": "Manchester United", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Barcelona", - "Bayern Munich", - "Liverpool" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the boss round featured in the "Call Of Duty: Zombies" map "Five"?", - "correct_answer": "The Pentagon Thief", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hellhounds", - "Jumping Jacks", - "Napalm Zombie" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the "Call Of Duty: Zombies" map "Origins", where is "Stamin-Up" located?", - "correct_answer": "Generator 5", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Generator 3", - "Generator 4", - "Excavation Site" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the last message of the Dolphins in "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"?", - "correct_answer": ""So long, and thanks for all the fish."", - "incorrect_answers": [ - ""The answer is 42."", - ""Land of the brave."", - ""Goodbye cruel world!"" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the capital city of Bermuda?", - "correct_answer": "Hamilton", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Santo Dominigo", - "San Juan", - "Havana" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Haikyuu!!, who is not a member of Karasuno VBC?", - "correct_answer": "Shigeru Yahaba", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tadashi Yamaguchi", - "Hisashi Kinoshita", - "Kazuhito Narita" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which album by American rapper Kanye West contained songs such as "Love Lockdown", "Paranoid" and "Heartless"?", - "correct_answer": "808s & Heartbreak", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Late Registration", - "The Life of Pablo", - "Graduation" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following men does not have a chemical element named after him?", - "correct_answer": "Sir Isaac Newton", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Albert Einstein", - "Niels Bohr", - "Enrico Fermi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the scientific term for 'taste'?", - "correct_answer": "Gustatory Perception", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Olfaction", - "Somatosensation", - "Auditory Perception" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What are tiny Thwomps called in Super Mario World?", - "correct_answer": "Thwimps", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Little Thwomp", - "Mini Thwomp", - "Tiny Tims" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In CoD: Black Ops III, what is the name of the rogue A.I. antagonist?", - "correct_answer": "Corvus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cabal", - "Legion", - "Icarus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Doctor Jones", "Turn Back Time" and "Barbie Girl" were UK number ones for which Eurodance group?", - "correct_answer": "Aqua", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vengaboys", - "Eiffel 65", - "Sash!" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which former Coronation Street actress was once a hostess on the British Game Show "Double Your Money"?", - "correct_answer": "Amanda Barrie", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sue Nicholls", - "Violet Carson", - "Jean Alexander" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What major programming language does Unreal Engine 4 use?", - "correct_answer": "C++", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Assembly", - "C#", - "ECMAScript" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Panama Canal was finished under the administration of which U.S. president?", - "correct_answer": "Woodrow Wilson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Franklin Delano Roosevelt", - "Herbert Hoover", - "Theodore Roosevelt" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following actors does not play a role in the movie "The Usual Suspects?"", - "correct_answer": "Steve Buscemi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kevin Spacey", - "Benicio Del Toro", - "Gabriel Byrne" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Panic! At the Disco's sixth album "Pray For The Wicked" was released on which date?", - "correct_answer": "June 22, 2018", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "May 9, 2018", - "March 13, 2018", - "February 21, 2018" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The fictional movie 'Rochelle, Rochelle' features in which sitcom?", - "correct_answer": "Seinfeld", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Frasier", - "Cheers", - "Friends" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What type of dog is 'Handsome Dan', the mascot of Yale University?", - "correct_answer": "Bulldog", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Yorkshire Terrier", - "Boxer", - "Pug" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "A slug’s blood is green.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "DragonForce's 'Through the Fire and Flames' is widely considered to be the hardest song in the Guitar Hero series.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What French sculptor designed the Statue of Liberty? ", - "correct_answer": "Frédéric Auguste Bartholdi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jean-Léon Gérôme", - "Auguste Rodin", - "Henri Matisse" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What word represents the letter 'T' in the NATO phonetic alphabet?", - "correct_answer": "Tango", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Target", - "Taxi", - "Turkey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which band released songs such as "Electric Feel", "Kids", and "Time to Pretend"?", - "correct_answer": "MGMT", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Passion Pit", - "Phoenix", - "Franz Ferdinand" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which Native American tribe/nation requires at least one half blood quantum (equivalent to one parent) to be eligible for membership?", - "correct_answer": "Yomba Shoshone Tribe", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Standing Rock Sioux Tribe", - "Kiowa Tribe of Oklahoma", - "Pawnee Nation of Oklahoma" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following commercial vehicles from Grand Theft Auto IV did NOT reappear in Grand Theft Auto V?", - "correct_answer": "Steed", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mule", - "Benson", - "Pony" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who was the voice actor for Snake in Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain?", - "correct_answer": "Kiefer Sutherland", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "David Hayter", - "Norman Reedus", - "Hideo Kojima" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the game series "The Legend of Zelda", what was the first 3D game?", - "correct_answer": "Ocarina of Time", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Majora's Mask", - "A Link to the Past", - "The Wind Waker" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "An eggplant is a vegetable.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a playable character in the 2016 video game Overwatch?", - "correct_answer": "Invoker", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mercy", - "Winston", - "Zenyatta" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the final score of the Germany vs. Brazil 2014 FIFA World Cup match?", - "correct_answer": "7 - 1", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "0 - 1", - "3 - 4", - "16 - 0" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which one of these chassis codes are used by BMW 3-series?", - "correct_answer": "E46", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "E39", - "E85", - "F10" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was Elvis Presley born?", - "correct_answer": "January 8, 1935", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "December 13, 1931", - "July 18, 1940", - "April 17, 1938" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who tutored Alexander the Great?", - "correct_answer": "Aristotle", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Socrates", - "Plato", - "King Philip" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which actor plays Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars Episodes I-lll?", - "correct_answer": "Ewan McGregor", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Alec Guinness", - "Hayden Christensen", - "Liam Neeson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which male player won the gold medal of table tennis singles in 2016 Olympics Games?", - "correct_answer": "Ma Long (China)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Zhang Jike (China)", - "Jun Mizutani (Japan)", - "Vladimir Samsonov (Belarus)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In most traditions, who was the wife of Zeus?", - "correct_answer": "Hera", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Aphrodite", - "Athena", - "Hestia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these characters was considered, but ultimately not included, for Super Smash Bros. Melee?", - "correct_answer": "James Bond", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Diddy Kong", - "Mega Man", - "Wave Racer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many calories are in a 355 ml can of Pepsi Cola?", - "correct_answer": "150", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "200", - "100", - "155" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Oxford University is older than the Aztec Empire. ", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What city did the monster attack in the film, "Cloverfield"?", - "correct_answer": "New York, New York", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Las Vegas, Nevada", - "Chicago, Illinois", - "Orlando, Florida" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "On the 6th of June 2006, what was the name of the infamous glitch that occurred in the MMO RuneScape?", - "correct_answer": "The Falador Massacre", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Noclip glitch", - "Party-hat Duplication Glitch", - "TzHaar Massacre" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of the copper-rich protein that creates the blue blood in the Antarctic octopus?", - "correct_answer": "Hemocyanin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cytochrome", - "Iron", - "Methionine" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What city has the busiest airport in the world?", - "correct_answer": "Atlanta, Georgia USA", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "London, England", - "Chicago,Illinois ISA", - "Tokyo,Japan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the show "Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends", which character had an obsession with basketball?", - "correct_answer": "Wilt", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Coco", - "Mac", - "Cheese" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which rock band released the album "The Bends" in March 1995?", - "correct_answer": "Radiohead", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nirvana", - "Coldplay", - "U2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the "Jurassic Park" universe, what was the first dinosaur cloned by InGen in 1986?", - "correct_answer": "Velociraptor", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Triceratops", - "Troodon", - "Brachiosaurus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which year was the third Super Bowl held?", - "correct_answer": "1969", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1968", - "1971", - "1970" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Originally another word for poppy, coquelicot is a shade of what?", - "correct_answer": "Red", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Green", - "Blue", - "Pink" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the "Kagerou Daze" series, Shintaro Kisaragi is prominently shown with the color red.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Western Lowland Gorilla is scientifically know as?", - "correct_answer": "Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gorilla Gorilla Diehli", - "Gorilla Beringei Graueri", - "Gorilla Beringei Beringei" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the historical name of Sri Lanka?", - "correct_answer": "Ceylon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Myanmar", - "Colombo", - "Badulla" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "From which country does the piano originate?", - "correct_answer": "Italy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Germany", - "Austria", - "France" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What song originally performed by The Bee Gees in 1978 had a cover version by Steps 20 years later?", - "correct_answer": "Tragedy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Night Fever", - "Stayin' Alive", - "You Should Be Dancing" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The character Plum from "No Game No Life" is a girl.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What actor portrays Hogan "Wash" Washburne in the TV Show Firefly?", - "correct_answer": "Alan Tudyk", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Adam Baldwin", - "Nathan Fillion", - "Sean Maher" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The word "abulia" means which of the following?", - "correct_answer": "The inability to make decisions", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The inability to stand up", - "The inability to concentrate on anything", - "A feverish desire to rip one's clothes off" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following is not a work authored by Fyodor Dostoevsky?", - "correct_answer": "Anna Karenina", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Notes from the Underground", - "Crime and Punishment", - "The Brothers Karamazov" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Dota 1 hero changed gender when ported to Dota 2?", - "correct_answer": "Legion Commander", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Axe", - "Keeper of the Light", - "Templar Assassin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What does the 'S' in the RSA encryption algorithm stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Shamir", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Secure", - "Schottky", - "Stable" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Mazda 787B won the 24 Hours of Le Mans in what year?", - "correct_answer": "1991", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1990", - "2000", - "1987" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many partners can you obtain in Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door?", - "correct_answer": "7", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "6", - "9", - "10" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What system was "Touhou: Highly Responsive to Prayers" released on?", - "correct_answer": "PC-98", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "OSX 10.9.5", - "Windows ME", - "Windows 98" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The protagonist in "Humanity Has Declined" has no discernable name and is simply referred to as 'I' for most of the series.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Green Day's album 'American Idiot' is considered a "punk rock opera."", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Counting the Blood and Wine DLC, how many Hero Cards are there in total in The Witcher 3?", - "correct_answer": "25", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "30", - "20", - "15" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who played Stan's dog in the South Park episode "Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride"?", - "correct_answer": "George Clooney", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jay Leno", - "Matt Stone", - "Robert Smith" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following is the world's best-selling book?", - "correct_answer": "The Lord of the Rings", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Little Prince", - "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone", - "The Da Vinci Code" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which rap group released the album "Straight Outta Compton"?", - "correct_answer": "N.W.A", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wu-Tang Clan", - "Run-D.M.C.", - "Beastie Boys" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Ringo Starr of The Beatles mainly played what instrument?", - "correct_answer": "Drums", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bass", - "Guitar", - "Piano" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The music video to The Buggle's "Video Killed the Radio Star" was the first music video to broadcast on MTV.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the scientific name for modern day humans?", - "correct_answer": "Homo Sapiens", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Homo Ergaster", - "Homo Erectus", - "Homo Neanderthalensis" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "French is an official language in Canada.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which chemical element has the lowest boiling point?", - "correct_answer": "Helium", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hydrogen", - "Neon", - "Nitrogen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Kingdom of Prussia briefly held land in Estonia.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the currency in the "Animal Crossing" series?", - "correct_answer": "Bells", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sea Shells", - "Leaves", - "Bugs" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "There was a satirical candidate named "Deez Nuts" running in the 2016 US presidential elections.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Excluding their instructor, how many members of Class VII are there in the game "Legend of Heroes: Trails of Cold Steel"?", - "correct_answer": "9", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "6", - "10", - "3" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the name of the Secret Organization in the Hotline Miami series? ", - "correct_answer": "50 Blessings", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "American Blessings", - "50 Saints", - "USSR's Blessings" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following is not another name for the eggplant?", - "correct_answer": "Potimarron", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Brinjal", - "Guinea Squash", - "Melongene" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which city did Anger berate for ruining pizza in "Inside Out"?", - "correct_answer": "San Francisco", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Minnesota", - "Washington", - "California" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year were achivements added to Steam?", - "correct_answer": "2007", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2008", - "2009", - "2006" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a name of an album released by American rapper Pitbull?", - "correct_answer": "Welcome to Miami", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dale", - "Global Warming", - "Armando" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is depicted on the US hundred dollar bill?", - "correct_answer": "Benjamin Franklin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "George Washington", - "Abraham Lincoln", - "Thomas Jefferson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the transfer of disease, crops, and people across the Atlantic shortly after the discovery of the Americas called?", - "correct_answer": "The Columbian Exchange", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Triangle Trade", - "Transatlantic Slave Trade", - "The Silk Road" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which episode from The Amazing World Of Gumball won the Childrens Choice Award at the British Animation Awards in 2016?", - "correct_answer": "The Shell", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Limit", - "The Kids", - "The Gripes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the show "Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann" what is the name of the character who force everyone to live underground?", - "correct_answer": "Lordgenome", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kingloname", - "Lord Genome", - "King Loname" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the game The World Ends With You, all of these characters act as a game partner with Neku for a week except:", - "correct_answer": "Rhyme", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shiki", - "Joshua", - "Beat" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Minions" was released on the June 10th, 2015.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who stars in Brutal Legend?", - "correct_answer": "Jack Black", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kanye West", - "Lemmy", - "Ozzy Osbourne" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What year was Super Mario Bros. released?", - "correct_answer": "1985", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1983", - "1987", - "1986" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who created the Cartoon Network series "Regular Show"?", - "correct_answer": "J. G. Quintel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ben Bocquelet", - "Pendleton Ward", - "Rebecca Sugar" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which country was Eliza "Ash" Cohen from "Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Siege" born in?", - "correct_answer": "Israel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "United States of America", - "Mexico", - "Canada" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these games was NOT developed by Markus Persson?", - "correct_answer": "Dwarf Fortress", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Minecraft", - "Wurm Online", - "0x10c" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which variant of the MP5 is depicted in Counter-Strike 1.6?", - "correct_answer": "MP5N", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "MP5SD", - "MP5K", - "MP5RAS" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Overwatch", how much health does Roadhog's "Take a Breather" ability recover?", - "correct_answer": "300", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "100", - "200", - "400" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "According to the 2014-2015 Australian Bureau of Statistics, what percentage of Australians were born overseas?", - "correct_answer": "28%", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "13%", - "20%", - "7%" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the "Halo" series, what is the name of the race of aliens humans refer to as "Grunts"?", - "correct_answer": "Unggoy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Huragok", - "Sangheili", - "Yanme'e" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who provided a majority of the songs and lyrics for "Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron"?", - "correct_answer": "Bryan Adams", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Smash Mouth", - "Oasis", - "Air Supply" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the last name of the primary female protagonist of Final Fantasy VIII?", - "correct_answer": "Heartilly", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Loire", - "Almasy", - "Trepe" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which director directed the movie "Pan's Labyrinth"?", - "correct_answer": "Guillermo Del Toro", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Alfonso Cuarón", - "Alejandro González Iñárritu", - " Alejandro Jodorowsky" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Sound can travel through a vacuum.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Vietnam's national flag is a red star in front of a yellow background.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which music publication is often abbreviated to NME?", - "correct_answer": "New Musical Express", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "New Metro Entertainment", - "Next Musical Enterprise", - "North Manchester Express" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." is a grammatically correct sentence.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What song on ScHoolboy Q's album Black Face LP featured Kanye West?", - "correct_answer": "THat Part", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Neva CHange", - "Big Body", - "Blank Face" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What does Bart sell his soul for in The Simpsons episode 'Bart Sells His Soul'?", - "correct_answer": "$5", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A Copy of Bonestorm 2", - "$100", - "A Giant Gobstopper" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Stadium of Light" is the home stadium for which soccer team?", - "correct_answer": "Sunderland FC", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Barcelona FC", - "Paris Saints-Germain", - "Manchester United" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "There are 2 player roles in Trouble in Terrorist Town.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the 2014 film "Birdman", what is the primary instrument in the score?", - "correct_answer": "Drums", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Saxophone", - "Violin", - "Actual Live Birds Singing" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the first organic compound to be synthesized from inorganic compounds?", - "correct_answer": "Urea", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Propane", - "Ethanol", - "Formaldehyde" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Originally, the character Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was going to be black.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Super Mario Bros. series, what game is the "Carrot" power-up from?", - "correct_answer": "Super Mario Land 2: The 6 Golden Coins", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Super Mario World", - "Super Mario Land", - "Super Mario 3D Land" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Killing Floor started as a mod for which Unreal Engine 2 game?", - "correct_answer": "Unreal Tournament 2004", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Deus Ex: Invisible War", - "Unreal Tournament 3", - "Postal" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Marvel Comics, Taurus is the founder and leader of which criminal organization?", - "correct_answer": "Zodiac", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Scorpio", - "Tiger Mafia", - "The Union" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these bones is hardest to break?", - "correct_answer": "Femur", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cranium", - "Humerus", - "Tibia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which French duo had UK hits in 1998 with the songs 'Sexy Boy', 'Kelly Watch The Stars' & 'All I Need'?", - "correct_answer": "Air", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fire", - "Earth", - "Water" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Italian automaker Lamborghini uses what animal as its logo?", - "correct_answer": "Bull", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bat", - "Horse", - "Snake" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which country does Austria not border?", - "correct_answer": "France", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Slovenia", - "Switzerland", - "Slovakia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "On a dartboard, what number is directly opposite No. 1?", - "correct_answer": "19", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "20", - "12", - "15" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which gas forms about 78% of the Earth’s atmosphere?", - "correct_answer": "Nitrogen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Oxygen", - "Argon", - "Carbon Dioxide" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the programming language Java, which of these keywords would you put on a variable to make sure it doesn't get modified?", - "correct_answer": "Final", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Static", - "Private", - "Public" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following is NOT a Russian car manufacturer?", - "correct_answer": "BYD", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Silant", - "Dragon", - "GAZ" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Axiom of Preventive Medicine states that people with ___ risk for a disease should be screened and we should treat ___ of those people.", - "correct_answer": "low, all", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "low, some", - "high, all", - "high, some" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "After how many years would you celebrate your crystal anniversary?", - "correct_answer": "15", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "20", - "10", - "25" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What year is on the flag of the US state Wisconsin?", - "correct_answer": "1848", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1634", - "1783", - "1901" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year did the North American Video Game Crash occur?", - "correct_answer": "1983", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1982", - "1993", - "1970" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Meryl Silverburgh, a video game character from the Metal Gear series, was originally a character in which game?", - "correct_answer": "Policenauts", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gradius", - "Contra", - "Castlevania: Symphony of the Night" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the beta version of the 1986 game "The Legend of Zelda", players have the choice between a sword and what other item?", - "correct_answer": "Boomerang ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Spear", - "Slingshot", - "Crossbow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "A flock of crows is known as a homicide.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In programming, the ternary operator is mostly defined with what symbol(s)?", - "correct_answer": "?:", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "??", - "if then", - "?" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What year was the first San Diego Comic-Con?", - "correct_answer": "1970", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2000", - "1990", - "1985" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "From which country did the song "Gangnam Style" originate from?", - "correct_answer": "South Korea", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Japan", - "North Korea", - "China" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "A Certain Scientific Railgun", how many "sisters" did Accelerator have to kill to achieve the rumored level 6?", - "correct_answer": "20,000", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "128", - "10,000", - "5,000" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, which one of the following characters from the book was left out of the film?", - "correct_answer": "Tom Bombadil", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Strider", - "Barliman Butterbur", - "Celeborn" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Before voicing Pearl in Steven Universe, Deedee Magno Hall was part of which American band?", - "correct_answer": "The Party", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Weather Girls", - "The Pussycat Dolls", - "The Cheetah Girls" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What collaborative album was released by Kanye West and Jay-Z in 2011?", - "correct_answer": "Watch the Throne", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Distant Relatives", - "What a Time to be Alive", - "Unfinished Business" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who authored The Adventures of Tintin?", - "correct_answer": "Hergé", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "E.P. Jacobs", - "Rin Tin Tin", - "Chic Young" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which one of these countries borders with Poland?", - "correct_answer": "Lithuania", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "France", - "Norway", - "Netherlands" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the movie Gremlins, after what time of day should you not feed Mogwai?", - "correct_answer": "Midnight", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Evening", - "Morning", - "Afternoon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 3DS and Nintendo Wii U, who was the sixth fighter to be added to the game post-launch?", - "correct_answer": "Corrin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cloud", - "Bayonnetta", - "Ryu" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": ""Gimmick!" is a Japanese Famicom game that uses a sound chip expansion in the cartridge. What is it called?", - "correct_answer": "FME-7", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "VRC7", - "VRC6", - "MMC5" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Without enchantments, which pickaxe in minecraft mines blocks the quickest.", - "correct_answer": "Golden ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Diamond", - "Iron", - "Obsidian" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the unit of electrical capacitance?", - "correct_answer": "Farad", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gauss", - "Henry", - "Watt" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was elected leader of the UK Labour Party in September 2015?", - "correct_answer": "Jeremy Corbyn", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ed Miliband", - "David Cameron", - "Theresa May" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Hungary is the only country in the world beginning with H.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Pokémon Chronicles, why was Misty afraid of Gyarados?", - "correct_answer": "She crawled into it's mouth as a baby.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "She found it scary.", - "She was badly injured from it.", - "It is part Bug." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Gravity Falls", what does Quentin Trembley do when he is driven out from the White House?", - "correct_answer": "Eat a salamander and jump out the window.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Leave in peace.", - "Jump out the window.", - "Release 1,000 captive salamanders into the white house." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What are human nails made of?", - "correct_answer": "Keratin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bone", - "Chitin", - "Calcium" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Magic: The Gathering", what instant card has the highest converted mana cost?", - "correct_answer": "Blinkmoth Infusion", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vitalizing Wind", - " Chant of Vitu-Ghazi", - "Assert Authority" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Calvin and Hobbes, what is the name of the babysitter's boyfriend?", - "correct_answer": "Charlie", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dave", - "Charles", - "Nathaniel" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Where is Apple Inc. headquartered?", - "correct_answer": "Cupertino, California", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Redwood City, California", - "Redmond, Washington", - "Santa Monica, CA" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which novel by John Grisham was conceived on a road trip to Florida while thinking about stolen books with his wife?", - "correct_answer": "Camino Island", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rogue Lawyer", - "Gray Mountain", - "The Litigators" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Rabbits can see what's behind themselves without turning their heads.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What character is NOT apart of the Grand Theft Auto series?", - "correct_answer": "Michael Cardenas", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Packie McReary", - "Tommy Vercetti", - "Lester Crest" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the weight of a Gold Bar in Fallout: New Vegas?", - "correct_answer": "35 Pounds", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "30 Pounds", - "40 Pounds", - "32.50 Pounds" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the inspector in the series "On the Buses"?", - "correct_answer": "Blakey", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Harper", - "Naily", - "Gally" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was Britney Spears' debut single?", - "correct_answer": "...Baby One More Time", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Oops!... I Did It Again", - "(You Drive Me) Crazy", - "Toxic" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the cartoon 'SpongeBob SquarePants', what did the acronym E.V.I.L stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Every Villain Is Lemons", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Every Villain Is Lemonade", - "Every Villain Is Limes", - "Each Villain Is Lemonade" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who is the creator of the soft drink, Dr. Pepper?", - "correct_answer": "Charles Alderton", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "James Wellington", - "Johnson Hinsin", - "Boris Heviltik" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which company did Gabe Newell work at before founding Valve Corporation?", - "correct_answer": "Microsoft", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Apple", - "Google", - "Yahoo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the derivative of Acceleration with respect to time?", - "correct_answer": "Jerk", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shift", - "Bump", - "Slide" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many objects are equivalent to one mole?", - "correct_answer": "6.022 x 10^23", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "6.002 x 10^22", - "6.022 x 10^22", - "6.002 x 10^23" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Super Mario Bros. Series, what is Yoshi's scientific name?", - "correct_answer": "T. Yoshisaur Munchakoopas", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Yoshi", - "T. Yoshisotop Munchakoopas", - "Yossy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a map included in the game Counter-Strike: Global Offensive?", - "correct_answer": "Oilrig", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Assault", - "Mirage", - "Cache" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many members are there in the band Nirvana?", - "correct_answer": "Three", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Two", - "Four", - "Five" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "A stimpmeter measures the speed of a ball over what surface?", - "correct_answer": "Golf Putting Green", - "incorrect_answers": [ - " Football Pitch", - "Cricket Outfield", - "Pinball Table" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Before 2011, "True Capitalist Radio" was known by a different name. What was that name?", - "correct_answer": "True Conservative Radio", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True Republican Radio", - "Texan Capitalist Radio", - "United Capitalists" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which country is completely landlocked by South Africa?", - "correct_answer": "Lesotho", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Swaziland", - "Botswana", - "Zimbabwe" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The color of the pills in the Matrix were Blue and Yellow.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Queen song was covered by Brittany Murphy in the 2006 film "Happy Feet"?", - "correct_answer": "Somebody to Love", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Under Pressure", - "Flash", - "Bohemian Rhapsody" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Cucumbers are usually more than 90% water.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following Arab countries does NOT have a flag containing only Pan-Arab colours?", - "correct_answer": "Qatar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kuwait", - "United Arab Emirates", - "Jordan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is the name of an American psychedelic rock band formed in 2002 by Benjamin Goldwasser and Andrew VanWyngarden?", - "correct_answer": "MGMT", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "MSTRKRFT", - "STRFKR", - "SBTRKT" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who painted "Swans Reflecting Elephants", "Sleep", and "The Persistence of Memory"?", - "correct_answer": "Salvador Dali", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jackson Pollock", - "Vincent van Gogh", - "Edgar Degas" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Where was the Games of the XXII Olympiad held?", - "correct_answer": "Moscow", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Barcelona", - "Tokyo", - "Los Angeles" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many countries does Spain have a land border with?", - "correct_answer": "5", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2", - "3", - "4" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these characters is the mascot of the video game company SEGA?", - "correct_answer": "Sonic the Hedgehog", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dynamite Headdy", - "Alex Kidd", - "Opa-Opa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Norse mythology, what is the name of the serpent which eats the roots of the ash tree Yggdrasil?", - "correct_answer": "Nidhogg", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bragi", - "Odin", - "Ymir" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the first weapon you acquire in Half-Life?", - "correct_answer": "A crowbar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A pistol", - "The H.E.V suit", - "Your fists" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What were the first states to break away from Yugoslavia?", - "correct_answer": "Slovenia, Croatia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Macedonia, Montenegro", - "Slovenia, Macedonia", - "Montenegro, Slovenia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What animal is on Link's pajamas in The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker?", - "correct_answer": "Crawfish", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lobster", - "Salmon", - "Swordfish" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is Grumpy Cat's real name?", - "correct_answer": "Tardar Sauce", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sauce", - "Minnie", - "Broccoli" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which country does the YouTuber "SinowBeats" originate from?", - "correct_answer": "Scotland", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "England", - "Sweden", - "Germany" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How long was Ken Jennings' win streak on Jeopardy?", - "correct_answer": "74", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "88", - "49", - "62" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "George Lucas directed the entire original Star Wars trilogy.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which restaurant's mascot is a clown?", - "correct_answer": "McDonald's", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Whataburger", - "Burger King", - "Sonic" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the capital of India?", - "correct_answer": "New Delhi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bejing", - "Montreal", - "Tithi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Kublai Khan is the grandchild of Genghis Khan?", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The LS1 engine is how many cubic inches?", - "correct_answer": "346", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "350", - "355", - "360" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What does the term "isolation" refer to in microbiology?", - "correct_answer": "The separation of a strain from a natural, mixed population of living microbes", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A lack of nutrition in microenviroments", - "The nitrogen level in soil", - "Testing effects of certain microorganisms in an isolated enviroments, such as caves" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these mythological creatures is said to be half-man and half-horse?", - "correct_answer": "Centaur", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Minotaur", - "Pegasus", - "Gorgon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these is not a wonder weapon in "Call Of Duty: Zombies"?", - "correct_answer": "R115 Resonator", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "GKZ-45 Mk3", - "Ray Gun", - "Scavenger" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of the main island in PLAYERUNKNOWN'S BATTLEGROUNDS?", - "correct_answer": "Erangel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Marmara", - "Severny", - "Lastovo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Star Trek: The Next Generation", Data is the only android in existence.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the first boss the player encounters in the 2017 game, "Little Nightmares"?", - "correct_answer": "The Janitor", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Warden", - "The Caretaker", - "The Overseer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The movie "Tron" received an Oscar nomination for Best Visual Effects.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Where would you find the "Spanish Steps"?", - "correct_answer": "Rome, Italy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Barcelona, Spain", - "Berlin, Germany", - "London, England" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who was "Kung Fu Fighting" in 1974?", - "correct_answer": "Carl Douglas", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Bee Gees", - "Heatwave", - "Kool & the Gang" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In 2008, Usain Bolt set the world record for the 100 meters with one shoelace untied.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of Manchester United's home stadium?", - "correct_answer": "Old Trafford", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Anfield", - "City of Manchester Stadium", - "St James Park" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Linus Pauling, one of the only winners of multiple Nobel Prizes, earned his Nobel Prizes in Chemistry and what?", - "correct_answer": "Peace", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Physics", - "Economics", - "Physiology/Medicine" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What city is the Terracotta Army located in?", - "correct_answer": "Xi'an", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Beijing", - "Shanghai", - "Hong Kong" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The mobile game "Jetpack Joyride" was released in what year? ", - "correct_answer": "2011", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2012", - "2009", - "2014" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The original ending of "Little Shop Of Horrors" has the plants taking over the world.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which singer provided the voice of Metroid's Mother Brain in the animated series "Captain N: The Game Master"?", - "correct_answer": "Levi Stubbs", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Freddie Mercury", - "Janet Jackson", - "Joan Jett" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who was the villain of ''The Lion King''?", - "correct_answer": "Scar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fred", - "Jafar", - "Vada" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Virgin Trains, Virgin Atlantic and Virgin Racing, are all companies owned by which famous entrepreneur? ", - "correct_answer": "Richard Branson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Alan Sugar", - "Donald Trump", - "Bill Gates" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which author and poet famously wrote the line, "The female of the species is more deadly than the male"?", - "correct_answer": "Rudyard Kipling", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Edgar Allan Poe", - "William Shakespeare", - "William Wordsworth" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "On which Beatles album would you find the song 'Eleanor Rigby'?", - "correct_answer": "Revolver", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Help!", - "Rubber Soul", - "Abbey Road" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Cold War ended with Joseph Stalin's death.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Spain was formed in 1469 with the marriage of Isabella I of Castile and Ferdinand II of what other Iberian kingdom?", - "correct_answer": "Aragon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Galicia", - "León", - "Navarre" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the capital of Indonesia?", - "correct_answer": "Jakarta", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bandung", - "Medan", - "Palembang" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Whistler was the codename of this Microsoft Operating System.", - "correct_answer": "Windows XP", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Windows 2000", - "Windows 7", - "Windows 95" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the dog that played Toto in the 1939 film "The Wizard of Oz"?", - "correct_answer": "Terry", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tommy", - "Teddy", - "Toto" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo opened a museum dedicated to himself.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which one of these artists appears in the album Deltron 3030?", - "correct_answer": "Dan the Automater", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lamarr Kendrick", - "Danger Mouse", - "CeeLo Green" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which one of the following actors did not voice a character in "Saints Row: The Third"?", - "correct_answer": "Ron Jeremy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sasha Grey", - "Burt Reynolds", - "Hulk Hogan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Animal Crossing series, which flower is erroneously called the "Jacob's Ladder"?", - "correct_answer": "Lily of the Valley", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hydrangea", - "Harebell", - "Yarrow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How long are all the cutscenes from Metal Gear Solid 4 (PS3, 2008) combined?", - "correct_answer": "8 hours", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "4 hours", - "12 hours", - "5 hours" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is NOT an island that is part of the Philippines?", - "correct_answer": "Java", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Luzon", - "Mindanao", - "Palawan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the first female protagonist in a video game?", - "correct_answer": "Samus Aran", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lara Croft", - "Alis Landale", - "Chell" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Where are the Nazca Lines located?", - "correct_answer": "Peru", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Brazil", - "Colombia", - "Ecuador" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these people is NOT a part of the Internet comedy group Mega64?", - "correct_answer": "Jon Jafari", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rocco Botte", - "Derrick Acosta", - "Shawn Chatfield" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was Ash Ketchum's second Pokemon?", - "correct_answer": "Caterpie", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Charmander", - "Pikachu", - "Pidgey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "On average, Americans consume 100 pounds of what per second?", - "correct_answer": "Chocolate", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Potatoes", - "Donuts", - "Cocaine" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The main protagonist of the fourth part of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure is which of the following?", - "correct_answer": "Josuke Higashikata", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Yoshikage kira", - "Koichi Hirose", - "Joey JoJo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the main character in the show "Burn Notice"?", - "correct_answer": "Michael Westen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sam Axe", - "Fiona Glenanne", - "Madeline Westen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "St. Louis is the capital of the US State Missouri.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When did the TV show Rick and Morty first air on Adult Swim?", - "correct_answer": "2013", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2014", - "2016", - "2015" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The board game Monopoly takes its street names from which real American city?", - "correct_answer": "Atlantic City, New Jersey", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Las Vegas, Nevada", - "Duluth, Minnesota", - "Charleston, South Carolina" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following was NOT a playable character in the game Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep?", - "correct_answer": "Ignis", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ventus", - "Terra", - "Aqua" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who patented a steam engine that produced continuous rotary motion?", - "correct_answer": "James Watt", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nikola Tesla", - "Albert Einstein", - "Alessandro Volta" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the 2012 animated film "Wolf Children", what are the names of the wolf children?", - "correct_answer": "Ame & Yuki", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hana & Yuki", - "Ame & Hana", - "Chuck & Anna" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""Rich Uncle Pennybags" from the board game "Monopoly" wears a monocle.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who won the 2015 College Football Playoff (CFP) National Championship? ", - "correct_answer": "Ohio State Buckeyes", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Alabama Crimson Tide", - "Clemson Tigers", - "Wisconsin Badgers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these songs did Jimi Hendrix cover?", - "correct_answer": "All of these songs", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band", - "All Along the Watchtower", - "House of the Rising Sun" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Star Trek: Voyager", which episode did Voyager establish real-time communication with Starfleet Headquarters?", - "correct_answer": "Pathfinder", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Message In A Bottle", - "Someone To Watch Over Me", - "Counterpoint" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Crypt of the NecroDancer (2015) character has a soundtrack by Jake "Virt" Kaufman?", - "correct_answer": "Uncle Eli", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cadence", - "Nocturna", - "Octavian (Bard)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following was Brazil was a former colony under?", - "correct_answer": "Portugal", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Spain", - "The Netherlands", - "France" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the hardest possible difficulty in "Deus Ex: Mankind Divided"?", - "correct_answer": "I Never Asked For This", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nightmare", - "Extreme", - "Guru" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which boxing personality was one of the presenters in the 1999 revival of It's a Knockout?", - "correct_answer": "Frank Bruno", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Henry Cooper", - "Muhammad Ali", - "Joe Fraiser" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The emblem on the flag of the Republic of Tajikistan features a sunrise over mountains below what symbol?", - "correct_answer": "Crown", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bird", - "Sickle", - "Tree" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who voiced Finn in Adventure Time?", - "correct_answer": "Jeremy Shada", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nolan North", - "John DiMaggio", - "Tom Kenny" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which English king was married to Eleanor of Aquitaine?", - "correct_answer": "Henry II", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Richard I", - "Henry I", - "Henry V" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "A Caixa Malacacheta is what kind of musical instrument which is commonly used in Latin American music?", - "correct_answer": "Snare Drum", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cow Bell", - "Bass Drum", - "Maraca" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the northernmost human settlement with year round inhabitants?", - "correct_answer": "Alert, Canada", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nagurskoye, Russia", - "McMurdo Station, Antarctica ", - "Honningsvåg, Norway" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is not a world in the anime "Buddyfight"?", - "correct_answer": "Ancient Dragon World", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dragon World", - "Star Dragon World", - "Darkness Dragon World" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the full title of the Prime Minister of the UK?", - "correct_answer": "First Lord of the Treasury", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Duke of Cambridge", - "Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition", - "Manager of the Crown Estate" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Pokemon, the ability Wonder Guard is exclusive to which Pokemon? ", - "correct_answer": "Shedinja ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sableye", - "Spiritomb", - "Silvally " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What are the smallest blood vessels in the human body?", - "correct_answer": "Capillaries", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Arterioles", - "Veinules", - "Lymphatics" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the co-op shooter Payday 2, which contact helps you break out Hoxton?", - "correct_answer": "The Dentist", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vlad", - "The Elephant", - "The Butcher" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What animated internet character is known to answer emails with his boxing gloves?", - "correct_answer": "Strong Bad", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Strong Sad", - "Strong Mad", - "Strong Glad" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What Ultimate does Makoto Naegi, protagonist of Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, have? ", - "correct_answer": "Ultimate Lucky Student", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ultimate Unlucky Student", - "Ultimate Detective", - "Ultimate Runner" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The freshwater amphibian, the Axolotl, can regrow it's limbs.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the punishment for Sysiphus's craftiness?", - "correct_answer": "Cursed to roll a boulder up a hill for eternity.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tied to a boulder for eternity, being pecked by birds.", - "Standing in a lake filled with water he could not drink.", - "To fell a tree that regenerated after every axe swing." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The humerus, paired radius, and ulna come together to form what joint?", - "correct_answer": "Elbow", - 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"incorrect_answers": [ - "Water Works", - "Chance", - "Community Chest" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What ingredient is NOT used to craft a cake in Minecraft?", - "correct_answer": "Bread", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wheat", - "Milk", - "Egg" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What's the most common time signature for rock songs?", - "correct_answer": "4/4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1/2", - "8/12", - "2/4" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The 1952 musical composition 4'33", composed by prolific American composer John Cage, is mainly comprised of what sound?", - "correct_answer": "Silence", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Farts", - "People talking", - "Cricket chirps" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When did Canada leave the confederation to become their own nation?", - "correct_answer": "July 1st, 1867", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "July 1st, 1763", - "July 1st, 1832", - "July 1st, 1902" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "An atom contains a nucleus.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who played Baron Victor Frankestein in the 1957 Hammer horror film "The Curse of Frankenstein"?", - "correct_answer": "Peter Cushing", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Boris Karloff", - "Vincent Price", - "Lon Chaney Jr." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the Gray Wolf's scientific name?", - "correct_answer": "Canis Lupus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Canis Aureus", - "Canis Latrans", - "Canis Lupus Lycaon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Dota 2, Wraith King was previously known as...", - "correct_answer": "Skeleton King", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Reaper King", - "Skull King", - "Hell King" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following is NOT a summon in the game "South Park: The Stick of Truth"?", - "correct_answer": "Towelie", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jesus", - "Mr. Hankey", - "Mr. Slave" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "According to Toby Fox, what was the method to creating the initial tune for Megalovania?", - "correct_answer": "Singing into a Microphone", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Playing a Piano", - "Using a Composer Software", - "Listened to birds at the park" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What country is Cory in the House set in?", - "correct_answer": "The United States of America", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Canada", - "Venezuala", - "England" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Kanye West's "Gold Digger" featured which Oscar-winning actor?", - "correct_answer": "Jamie Foxx", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Alec Baldwin", - "Dwayne Johnson", - " Bruce Willis" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "This trope refers to minor characters that are killed off to show how a monster works.", - "correct_answer": "Red Shirt", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Minions", - "Expendables", - "Cannon Fodder" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Daft Punk originated in France.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which song on Daft Punk's "Random Access Memories" features Pharrell Williams?", - "correct_answer": "Get Lucky", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Doin' It Right", - "Instant Crush", - "The Game of Love" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Stevie Wonder's real name is Stevland Hardaway Morris.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which year did the British television series "The Bill" end?", - "correct_answer": "2010", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2001", - "2007", - "2012" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the symbol for Displacement?", - "correct_answer": "Δr", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "dr", - "Dp", - "r" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which game is NOT part of the Science Adventure series by 5pb. and Nitroplus?", - "correct_answer": "Occultic; Nine", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Steins; Gate", - "Robotics; Notes", - "Chaos; Child" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Killer Whale is considered a type of dolphin.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which product did Nokia, the telecommunications company, originally sell?", - "correct_answer": "Paper", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Phones", - "Computers", - "Processors" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these songs is not on the "untitled" album by Led Zeppelin?", - 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"correct_answer": "Dan Gheesling", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bryce Kranyik", - "Ryan Sutfin", - "Chris Mundorf" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Sir Issac Newton served as a Member of Parliament, but the only recorded time he spoke was to complain about a draft in the chambers.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the MMO RPG "Realm of the Mad God", what dungeon is widely considered to be the most difficult?", - "correct_answer": "The Shatter's", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Snake Pit", - "The Tomb of the Acient's", - "The Puppet Master's Theater" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following is not in the Indo-European language family?", - "correct_answer": "Finnish", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "English", - 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"question": "What is the name of Team Fortress 2's Heavy Weapons Guy's minigun?", - "correct_answer": "Sasha", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Betty", - "Anna", - "Diana" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": " What Russian automatic gas-operated assault rifle was developed in the Soviet Union in 1947, and is still popularly used today?", - "correct_answer": "AK-47", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "RPK", - "M16", - "MG 42" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The prefix Sino- (As in Sino-American) is used to refer to what nationality?", - "correct_answer": "Chinese", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Japanese", - "Russian", - "Indian" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What country is the Hussarya supercar, made by the car manufacturer "Arrinera", assembled in?", - "correct_answer": "Poland", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "China", - "Sweden", - "Italy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "A universal set, or a set that contains all sets, exists.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was "The Gadget", the first nuclear device to be detonated, tested?", - "correct_answer": "July 16, 1945", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "June 22, 1945", - "August 6, 1945", - "April 5, 1945" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many Harry Potter books are there?", - "correct_answer": "7", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "8", - "5", - "6" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which one of these Rammstein songs has two official music videos?", - "correct_answer": "Du Riechst So Gut", - 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"type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In vanilla Minecraft, you can make armor out of all BUT which of the following?", - "correct_answer": "Emeralds", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Diamonds", - "Iron", - "Leather" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who are the original creators of Rachet & Clank?", - "correct_answer": "Insomniac Games", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "PixelTail Games", - "Rare", - "Bethesda" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which water-type Pokémon starter was introduced in the 4th generation of the series?", - "correct_answer": "Piplup", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Totodile", - "Oshawott", - "Mudkip" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When did the United States formally declare war on Japan, entering World War II?", - "correct_answer": "December 8, 1941", - 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"question": "Bob Ross was a US Air Force pilot.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The ghosts in "Pac-Man" and "Ms. Pac-Man" have completely different behavior.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is real haggis made of?", - "correct_answer": "Sheep's Heart, Liver and Lungs", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sheep's Heart, Kidneys and Lungs", - "Sheep's Liver, Kidneys and Eyes", - "Whole Sheep" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the 8th installment in the Fire Emblem series?", - "correct_answer": "The Sacred Stones", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Blazing Sword", - "Awakening", - "Path of Radiance" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Batman sidekick is the son of Talia al Ghul?", - "correct_answer": "Damian Wayne", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dick Grayson", - "Tim Drake", - "Jason Todd" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the "Re:Zero" manga series, which of the following Sin Archbishops eats Rem's existence?", - "correct_answer": "Ley Batenkaitos", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Roy Alphard", - "Petelgeuse Romanee-Conti", - "Louis Arneb" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The eccentric natural philosopher Tycho Brahe kept what as a pet?", - "correct_answer": "Moose", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dog", - "Bear", - "Goat" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Big Hero 6, what were Baymax's motions modeled after?", - "correct_answer": "Baby penguins", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Baby monkeys", - "Baby ostriches", - "Baby bears" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The stuffed tiger in Calvin and Hobbes is named after what philosopher?", - "correct_answer": "Thomas Hobbes", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "David Hobbes", - "John Hobbes", - "Nathaniel Hobbes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Calvin and Hobbes, what is the name of Susie's stuffed rabbit?", - "correct_answer": "Mr. Bun", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mr. Bunbun", - "Mr. Rabbit", - "Mr. Hoppy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The song Scatman's World was released after Scatman (Ski-Ba-Bop-Ba-Dop-Bop).", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "According to Japanese folklore, what is the favorite food of the Kappa.", - "correct_answer": "Cucumbers", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kabocha", - "Nasu", - "Soba" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Aerosmith album featured "Walk This Way"?", - "correct_answer": "Toys in the Attic", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rocks", - "Get Your Wings", - "Draw the Line" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which painting was not made by Vincent Van Gogh?", - "correct_answer": "The Ninth Wave", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Café Terrace at Night", - "Bedroom In Arles", - "Starry Night" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many French Open's did Björn Borg win?", - "correct_answer": "6", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "4", - "9", - "2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The first half-hour CGI cartoon, ReBoot, aired on which year?", - "correct_answer": "1994", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1993", - "1998", - "1999" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who painted the biblical fresco The Creation of Adam?", - "correct_answer": "Michelangelo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Leonardo da Vinci", - "Caravaggio", - "Rembrandt" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is Laos?", - "correct_answer": "Country", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Region", - "River", - "City" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the foley artist who designed the famous sounds of Star Wars, including Chewbacca's roar and R2-D2's beeps and whistles?", - "correct_answer": "Ben Burtt", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ken Burns", - "Ralph McQuarrie", - "Miranda Keyes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which U.S. state is Far Cry 5's fictional setting 'Hope County' located?", - "correct_answer": "Montana", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Idaho", - "Wyoming", - "North Carolina" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the name of the Ethiopian Wolf before they knew it was related to wolves?", - "correct_answer": "Simien Jackel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ethiopian Coyote", - "Amharic Fox", - "Canis Simiensis" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What name did Tom Hanks give to his volleyball companion in the film `Cast Away`?", - "correct_answer": "Wilson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Friday", - "Jones", - "Billy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was William Frederick Cody better known as?", - "correct_answer": "Buffalo Bill", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Billy the Kid", - "Wild Bill Hickok", - "Pawnee Bill" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Rapper Snoop Dogg's real name is 'Cordozar Calvin Broadus, Jr.'.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "By what name was the author Eric Blair better known?", - "correct_answer": "George Orwell", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Aldous Huxley", - "Ernest Hemingway", - "Ray Bradbury" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Where was the Sniper character in Team Fortress 2 born?", - "correct_answer": "New Zealand", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "South Africa", - "Antarctica", - "Australia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of Sid's dog in "Toy Story"?", - "correct_answer": "Scud", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Buster", - "Whiskers", - "Mr. Jones" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When was the game 'Portal 2' released?", - "correct_answer": "2011", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2014", - "2009", - "2007" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The board game, Nightmare was released in what year?", - "correct_answer": "1991", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1992", - "1989", - "1995" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "You are allowed to sell your soul on eBay.", - "correct_answer": "False", - 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"correct_answer": "Eggo Waffles", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Toast", - "Captain Crunch", - "Bacon and Eggs" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In 1967, a magazine published a story about extracting hallucinogenic chemicals from bananas to raise moral questions about banning drugs.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What year was the game Dishonored released?", - "correct_answer": "2012", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2011", - "2008", - "2013" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Adolf Hitler was born in Australia. ", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following plastic is commonly used for window frames, gutters and drain pipes?", - "correct_answer": "Polyvinylchloride (PVC) ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Polyethylene (PE)", - "Polypropylene (PP)", - "Polystyrene (PS)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "EDM label Monstercat signs tracks instead of artists.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "According to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy book, the answer to life, the universe and everything else is...", - "correct_answer": "42", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Loving everyone around you", - "Chocolate", - "Death" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "According to the United States Constitution, how old must a person be to be elected President of the United States?", - "correct_answer": "35", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "30", - "40", - "45" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Cryoshell, known for "Creeping in My Soul" did the advertising music for what Lego Theme?", - "correct_answer": "Bionicle", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hero Factory", - "Ben 10 Alien Force", - "Star Wars" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What element does the Zinogre use in Monster Hunter?", - "correct_answer": "Thunder", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ice", - "Fire", - "Water" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Monster Hunter Generations, guild style is a type of hunting style.", - 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"question": "What year was the RoboSapien toy robot released?", - "correct_answer": "2004", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2000", - "2001", - "2006" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Rick and Morty", from which dimension do Rick and Morty originate from?", - "correct_answer": "C-137", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "J1977", - "C-136", - "C500-a" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "To Love-Ru", who is the first to hear of Yami's past from her?", - "correct_answer": "Rito", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mikan", - "Lala", - "Haruna" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which artist or group did John Lennon consider "son(s) of the Beatles"?", - "correct_answer": "Jeff Lynne's Electric Light Orchestra", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Rolling Stones", - "Pink Floyd", - "The Who" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the currency of Poland?", - "correct_answer": "Z\u0142oty", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ruble", - "Euro", - "Krone" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What 1970's American ballad referred to the 1959 plane crash as the "the day the music died"?", - "correct_answer": "American Pie", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kentucky Rain", - "I Will Always Love You", - "Rock 'n' Roll Suicide" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Benny, Brain, Fancy-Fancy, Spook and Choo-Choo were known associates of what Hanna Barbera cartoon character?", - "correct_answer": "Top Cat", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Yogi Bear", - "Snagglepuss", - "Scooby-Doo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "A Facebook campaign placed Rage Against The Machine's "Killing in the Name Of" as the UK Christmas Number 1 in 2009.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In bowling, what is the term used for getting three consecutive strikes?", - "correct_answer": "Turkey", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Flamingo", - "Birdie", - "Eagle" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Counter-Strike: Global Offensive, what's the rarity of discontinued skins called?", - "correct_answer": "Contraband", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Discontinued", - "Diminshed", - "Limited" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the talking cat in Persona 5?", - "correct_answer": "Morgana", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Teddie", - "Marie", - "Ryuji" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Where was Nicki Minaj born?", - "correct_answer": "Trinidad and Tobago", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Haiti", - "Saint Lucia", - "Grenada" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the lowest amount of max health you can have in Team Fortress 2?", - "correct_answer": "70", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "100", - "50", - "95" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Velma Kelly and Roxie Hart are the protagonists of which Oscar winning movie?", - "correct_answer": "Chicago", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dreamgirls", - "Cabaret", - "All That Jazz" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In aeronautics, flaps and slats are used to control what on an aircraft?", - 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"type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Hera is god of...", - "correct_answer": "Marriage", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Agriculture", - "Sea", - "War" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the Jewish New Year?", - "correct_answer": "Rosh Hashanah", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Elul", - "New Year", - "Succoss" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following is NOT classified as a Semetic language?", - "correct_answer": "Sumerian", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Maltese", - "Akkadian", - "Mandaic" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Sargon II, a king of the Neo-Assyrian Empire, was a direct descendant of Sargon of Akkad.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the only state in the United States that does not have a flag in a shape with 4 edges?", - "correct_answer": "Ohio", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Florida", - "Idaho", - "New Mexico" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which student in Yandere Simulator is known for asking irritating and stupid questions?", - "correct_answer": "Midori Gurin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kokona Hruka", - "Oka Ruto", - "Pipi Osu" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these aliases has NOT been used by electronic musician Aphex Twin?", - "correct_answer": "Burial", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Caustic Window", - "Bradley Strider", - "GAK" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Chevrolet Corvette has always been made exclusively with V8 engines only.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these actors/actresses is NOT a part of the cast for the 2016 movie "Suicide Squad"?", - "correct_answer": "Scarlett Johansson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jared Leto", - "Will Smith", - "Margot Robbie" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the first interactive movie video game?", - "correct_answer": "Astron Belt", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dragon's Lair", - "Cube Quest", - "M.A.C.H. 3" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What scientific suborder does the family Hyaenidae belong to?", - "correct_answer": "Feliformia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Haplorhini", - "Caniformia", - "Ciconiiformes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these is NOT the name of a rival gang in the video game Saint's Row 2?", - "correct_answer": "The Zin Empire", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Brotherhood", - "The Ronin", - "The Sons of Samedi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Swedish word "Grunka" means what in English?", - "correct_answer": "Thing", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "People", - "Place", - "Pineapple" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was Rage Against the Machine's debut album?", - "correct_answer": "Rage Against the Machine", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Evil Empire", - "Bombtrack", - "The Battle Of Los Angeles" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the webcomic Homestuck, the first character introduced is Dave Strider.", - "correct_answer": "False", - 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"correct_answer": "An enemy in the game", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The final boss's name", - "The main character's name", - "A spaceship's name" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Undertale", the main character of the game is Sans.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the 1992 film "Army of Darkness", what name does Ash give to his double-barreled shotgun?", - "correct_answer": "Boomstick", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bloomstick", - "Blastbranch", - "2-Pump Chump" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Breaking Bad", Walter White is a high school teacher diagnosed with which form of cancer?", - "correct_answer": "Lung Cancer", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Prostate Cancer", - "Brain Cancer", - "Testicular Cancer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Nikki Diamond portrayed which Gladiator in the 1992 TV show "Gladiators"?", - "correct_answer": "Scorpio", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jet", - "Nightshade", - "Falcon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Toriko", which of the following foods is knowingly compatible with Toriko?", - "correct_answer": "Poison Potato", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mors Oil", - "Alpacookie", - "Parmesansho Fruit" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the vocalist and frontman of rock band "Guns N' Roses"?", - "correct_answer": "Axl Rose", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kurt Cobain", - "Slash", - "Bono" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Call Of Duty: Zombies", which map's opening cutscene shows "Richtofen" killing another version of himself?", - "correct_answer": "The Giant", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shadows Of Evil", - "Der Eisendrache", - "Moon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these games takes place in the Irish town of Doolin, with the option to play as one of the characters, Ellen and Keats?", - "correct_answer": "Folklore", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shadow of the Colossus", - "ICO", - "Beyond Good & Evil" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In programming, what do you call functions with the same name but different implementations?", - "correct_answer": "Overloading", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Overriding", - "Abstracting", - "Inheriting" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In career mode of "Need for Speed: Underground 2", the first car the player can drive is the BMW M3 GTR.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following is a class in the game "Hearthstone"?", - "correct_answer": "Priest", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sage", - "Cleric", - "Monk" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Bohemian Revolt (1618-1620) started after Protestants in Prague did what to their Catholic Lords Regents?", - "correct_answer": "Threw them out of a window", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Insulted their mothers", - "Locked them in stockades", - "Hung them." - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which country did the Eureka Rebellion, an 1856 battle against colonial rule, take place in?", - "correct_answer": "Australia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "India", - "Canada", - "Brazil" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the main protagonist in the game Life is Strange: Before The Storm?", - "correct_answer": "Chloe Price ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Max Caulfield", - "Rachel Amber", - "Frank Bowers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Is Tartu the capital of Estonia?", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Hellboy universe, who founded the BPRD?", - "correct_answer": "Trevor Bruttenholm", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kate Corrigan", - "Johann Kraus", - "Benjamin Daimio" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which character was introduced to the Super Smash Bros franchise in Super Smash Bros Melee?", - "correct_answer": "Sheik", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Samus", - "Lucas", - "Mega Man" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Pokemon Diamond, Pearl and Platinum, where can a Munchlax be found?", - "correct_answer": "Honey Trees", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Trading with an NPC", - "Grass on Route 209", - "Wayward Cave" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which city is the capital of the United States of America?", - "correct_answer": "Washington D.C", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Seattle", - "Albany", - "Los Angeles" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The body of the Egyptian Sphinx was based on which animal?", - "correct_answer": "Lion", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bull", - "Horse", - "Dog" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Shakespeare play inspired the musical 'West Side Story'?", - "correct_answer": "Romeo & Juliet", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hamlet", - "Macbeth", - "Othello" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which "Toy Story" character was voiced by Don Rickles?", - "correct_answer": "Mr. Potato Head", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Slinky Dog", - "Hamm", - "Rex" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde are characters from which classic video game?", - "correct_answer": "Pac-Man", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gauntlet", - "Space Invaders", - "Street Fighter" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the name of the Mysterious Island, in Jules Verne's "The Mysterious Island"?", - "correct_answer": "Lincoln Island", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vulcania Island", - "Prometheus Island", - "Neptune Island" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Kuala Lumpur is the capital of which country?", - "correct_answer": "Malaysia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Indonesia", - "Singapore", - "Thailand" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the anime Initial D, how does Takumi Fujiwara describe a drift?", - "correct_answer": "'. . . the front tires slide so the car won't face the inside'", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "'. . . the wheels lose traction, making the car slide sideways'", - "'. . . the car oversteers through a curve, causing it to turn faster'", - "'. . . you turn a lot'" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Nutella is produced by the German company Ferrero.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the name of the planet in "Aliens"?", - "correct_answer": "LV-426", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Weyland Yutani Corporation Base", - "FR-838", - "DI-621" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Kingdom Heart series who provides the english voice for Master Eraqus?", - "correct_answer": "Mark Hamill", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jason Dohring", - "Jesse McCartney", - "Haley Joel Osment" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the first game of the Sly Cooper franchise, what family heirloom did Sly Cooper want to steal back?", - "correct_answer": "Thievius Raccoonus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Raccoon Training 101", - "The Art of Sneak", - "Raccoonus Teachus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Adolf Hitler was a german soldier in World War I.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Undertale, having a "Fun Value" set to 56-57 will play the "Wrong Number Song Call".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, what is the protagonist's name?", - "correct_answer": "Makoto Naegi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hajime Hinata", - "Nagito Komaeda", - "Komaru Naegi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the game "Subnautica", a "Cave Crawler" will attack you.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Kendrick Lamar's 2012 album, "Good Kid, M.A.A.D City", the album's story takes place in which city?", - "correct_answer": "Compton", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Detroit", - "New York", - "Baltimore" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "If he was still alive, in what year would Elvis Presley celebrate his 100th birthday?", - "correct_answer": "2035", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2030", - "2040", - "2045" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "For his performance at ComplexCon 2016 in Long Beach, California, Skrillex revived his "Mothership" set piece for one night only.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was Daft Punk's first studio album?", - "correct_answer": "Homework", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Discovery", - "Random Access Memories", - "Human After All" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was Hubba Bubba first introduced?", - "correct_answer": "1979", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1984", - "1972", - "1980" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the game "Hearthstone", what is the best rank possible?", - "correct_answer": "Rank 1 Legend", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rank 1 Elite", - "Rank 1 Master", - "Rank 1 Supreme" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The United States Army Air Corps became the United States Air Force on what date?", - "correct_answer": "September 18, 1947", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "December 14, 1946", - "October 27, 1945", - "November 08, 1944" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In what year did the manga "Ping Pong" begin serialization?", - "correct_answer": "1996", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2014", - "2010", - "2003" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Star Trek", what sauce is commonly used by Klingons on bregit lung?", - "correct_answer": "Grapok sauce", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gazorpazorp pudding", - "Sweet chili sauce", - "Grapork sauce" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Burning which of these metals will produce a bright white flame?", - "correct_answer": "Magnesium", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Copper", - "Lithium", - "Lead" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is not a DLC vehicle in "Mario Kart 8"?", - "correct_answer": "Wild Wiggler", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bone Rattler", - "B Dasher", - "300 SL Roadster" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Starbound", the track played by the Decorated Music Box is named "Atlas".", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Sean Bean voices the character of "Martin Septim" in which Elder Scrolls game?", - "correct_answer": "The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim", - "The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind ", - "The Elder Scrolls Online" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the full name of the protagonist from the indie adventure game "Night in the Woods"?", - "correct_answer": "Margaret Borowski", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Marlena Woborski", - "Milena Catharina", - "Katia Managan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Moby, an American DJ, singer, and musician, achieved worldwide success for the 1999 release of which of the following albums?", - "correct_answer": "Play", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Everything Is Wrong", - "Moby", - "18" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What were the first two blocks in "Minecraft"?", - "correct_answer": "Grass and Cobblestone", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Grass and Stone", - "Crafting Table and Cobblestone", - "Cobblestone and Stone" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following pitchers was named National League Rookie of the Year for the 2013 season?", - "correct_answer": "Jose Fernandez", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jacob deGrom", - "Shelby Miller", - "Matt Harvey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What's the second book in George R. R. Martin's 'A Song of Ice and Fire' series?", - "correct_answer": "A Clash of Kings", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A Dance with Dragons", - "A Storm of Swords", - "A Feast for Crows" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Tigers have one colour of skin despite the stripey fur.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The pickled gherkin was first added to hamburgers because a US health law required all fast-food to include a source of Vitamin C.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Kingdom Hearts", who abducts Jasmine in the Lamp Chamber?", - "correct_answer": "Riku", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Riku Replica", - "Xaldin", - "Captain Hook" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was Humphrey Bogart's middle name?", - "correct_answer": "DeForest", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "DeWinter", - "Steven", - "Bryce" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these roles in Town of Salem is mafia?", - "correct_answer": "Disguiser", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Escort", - "Lookout", - "Transporter" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What are Panama hats made out of?", - "correct_answer": "Straw", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Silk", - "Hemp", - "Flax" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "During which American Civil War campaign did Union troops dig a tunnel beneath Confederate troops to detonate explosives underneath them?", - "correct_answer": "Siege of Petersburg", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Siege of Vicksburg", - "Antietam Campaign", - "Gettysburg Campagin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which year was the album "Year of the Snitch" by Death Grips released?", - "correct_answer": "2018", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2013", - "2017", - "2011" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the show "The Office" who does Michael Scott eventually end up with?", - "correct_answer": "Holly Flax", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Angela Martin", - "Jan Levinson", - "Pam Beesly" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following bones is not in the leg?", - "correct_answer": "Radius", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Patella", - "Tibia", - "Fibula " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the game "Galaga" was a sequel to?", - "correct_answer": "Galaxian", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Galactica", - "Space Invaders", - "Galactic Wars" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a catchphrase used by Rick Sanchez in the TV show "Rick and Morty"?", - "correct_answer": "Slam dunk, nothing but net!", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hit the sack, Jack!", - "Rikki-Tikki-Tavi, biatch!", - "Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the only country in the world with a flag that doesn't have four right angles?", - "correct_answer": "Nepal", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Panama", - "Angola", - "Egypt" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Lord of the Rings, who is the father of the dwarf Gimli?", - "correct_answer": "Gloin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Thorin Oakenshield", - "Bombur", - "Dwalin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the capital of Chile?", - "correct_answer": "Santiago", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Valparaíso", - "Copiapó", - "Antofagasta" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What position does Harry Potter play in Quidditch?", - "correct_answer": "Seeker", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Beater", - "Chaser", - "Keeper" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many scoring zones are there on a conventional dart board?", - "correct_answer": "82", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "62", - "42", - "102" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "This movie contains the quote, "Houston, we have a problem."", - "correct_answer": "Apollo 13", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Right Stuff", - "Capricorn One", - "Marooned" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Steel is an alloy of Iron and Carbon.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which country is singer Kyary Pamyu Pamyu from?", - "correct_answer": "Japan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "South Korea", - "China", - "Vietnam" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many members are there in the idol group "µ's"?", - "correct_answer": "9", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "48", - "6", - "3" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who composed the soundtrack for the game VVVVVV?", - "correct_answer": "Magnus Pålsson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Terry Cavanagh", - "Danny Baranowsky", - "Joel Zimmerman" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Mario spin-off game did Waluigi make his debut?", - "correct_answer": "Mario Tennis", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mario Party 3", - "Mario Kart: Double Dash!!", - "Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What's the Team Fortress 2 Scout's city of origin?", - "correct_answer": "Boston", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sydney", - "Detroit", - "New York" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of Broadway's first "long-run" musical?", - "correct_answer": "The Elves", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wicked", - "Hamilton", - "The Book of Mormon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "AMD created the first consumer 64-bit processor.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Johnny Cash did a cover of this song written by lead singer of Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor.", - "correct_answer": "Hurt", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Closer", - "A Warm Place", - "Big Man with a Gun" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Touhou Project series of games is often associated with which genre?", - "correct_answer": "Shoot 'em up", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Strategy", - "FPS", - "Casual" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Rannamaari was a sea demon that haunted the people of the Maldives and had to be appeased monthly with the sacrifice of a virgin girl.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which WWII tank ace is credited with having destroyed the most tanks?", - "correct_answer": "Kurt Knispel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Michael Wittmann", - "Walter Kniep", - "Otto Carius" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the "Toaru Kagaku no Railgun" anime, espers can only reach a maximum of level 6 in their abilities.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Halo series, what fleet was Thel 'Vadam supreme commander of before being branded an Arbiter?", - "correct_answer": "Fleet of Particular Justice", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fleet of Sacred Consecration", - "Fleet of Furious Redemption", - "Fleet of Righteous Vigilance" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which American author was also a budding travel writer and wrote of his adventures with his dog Charley?", - "correct_answer": "John Steinbeck", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "F. Scott Fitzgerald", - "Ernest Hemingway", - "William Faulkner" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following characters is NOT a female marriage candidate in the game Stardew Valley?", - "correct_answer": "Caroline", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Abigail", - "Haley", - "Leah" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following is not a real Pokémon?", - "correct_answer": "Luminid", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dragalge", - "Mandibuzz", - "Araquanid" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of the process that sends one qubit of information using two bits of classical information?", - "correct_answer": "Quantum Teleportation", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Super Dense Coding", - "Quantum Entanglement", - "Quantum Programming" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the smallest country in the world?", - "correct_answer": "Vatican City", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Maldives", - "Monaco", - "Malta" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Klingons express emotion in art through opera and poetry.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was Bank of America originally established as?", - "correct_answer": "Bank of Italy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bank of Long Island", - "Bank of Pennsylvania", - "Bank of Charlotte" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Lady Gaga's real name is Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Waylon Smithers from "The Simpsons" was originally black when he first appeared in the series.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the "Ace Attorney" series, what is the relationship between Apollo Justice and Trucy Wright?", - "correct_answer": "They're half-siblings", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "They're co-workers", - "They're friends", - "They're both attorneys" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the fastest animal?", - "correct_answer": "Peregrine Falcon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Golden Eagle", - "Cheetah", - "Horsefly" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Colchester Overpass, otherwise known as "Bunny Man Bridge", is located where?", - "correct_answer": "Fairfax County, Virginia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Medford, Oregon", - "Braxton County, Virgina", - "Lemon Grove, California" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many controllers could a Nintendo GameCube have plugged in at one time?", - "correct_answer": "4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "8", - "6", - "2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the name of the cold-war singer who has a song in Grand Theft Auto IV, and a wall landmark in Moscow for his memorial?", - "correct_answer": "Viktor Tsoi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jimi Hendrix", - "Brian Jones", - "Vladimir Vysotsky" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In June 2017, Saudi Arabia and Egypt broke off ties with which country over its supposed support for terrorism?", - "correct_answer": "Qatar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bahrain", - "United States of America", - "Russia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Magic: The Gathering, what card's flavor text is "Catch!"?", - "correct_answer": "Lava Axe", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Stone-Throwing Devils", - "Ember Shot", - "Throwing Knife" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which WWF wrestler had the nickname "The Ayatollah of Rock 'N' Rolla"?", - "correct_answer": "Chris Jericho", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Marty Jannetty", - "Scott Hall", - "Shawn Michaels" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who performed the guitar solo on Michael Jackson's hit "Beat It"?", - "correct_answer": "Eddie Van Halen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Steve Vai", - "Kirk Hammett", - "Zakk Wylde" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the frontman's name of the metal band Megadeth?", - "correct_answer": "Dave Mustaine", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rob Halford", - "Vince Neil", - "James Hetfield" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Dave Grohl recorded the Foo Fighters' debut, "Foo Fighters," by himself.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which punk rock band released hit songs such as "Californication", "Can't Stop" and "Under the Bridge"?", - "correct_answer": "Red Hot Chilli Peppers", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Green Day", - "Linkin Park", - "Foo Fighters" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the film "Harry Potter and the Order of The Phoenix", why was Harry Potter's scream, after Sirius Black died, muted?", - "correct_answer": "Too Agonizing", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Too Loud", - "Too Harsh", - "Too Violent" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the main heroine of the anime, Full Metal Panic!", - "correct_answer": "Kaname Chidori", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Teletha Testarossa", - "Melissa Mao", - "Kyoko Tokiwa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the second person to take up the mantle of Night Owl in the Watchmen graphic novel?", - "correct_answer": "Daniel Dreiberg", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nelson Gardner", - "Hollis Mason", - "Adrian Veidt" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is not a wind instrument?", - "correct_answer": "Viola", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Oboe", - "Trombone", - "Duduk" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Beatrix Potter books, what type of animal is Tommy Brock?", - "correct_answer": "Badger", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fox", - "Frog", - "Rabbit" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many dice are used in the game of Yahtzee?", - "correct_answer": "Five", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Four", - "Six", - "Eight" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In what sport is a "shuttlecock" used?", - "correct_answer": "Badminton", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Table Tennis", - "Rugby", - "Cricket" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The crown of the Empire State Building was originally built for what purpose?", - "correct_answer": "Airship Dock", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lightning Rod", - "Antennae", - "Flag Pole" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Pointers were not used in the original C programming language; they were added later on in C++.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these weapons is NOT available to the Terrorist team in the game, "Counter-Strike: Global Offensive"?", - "correct_answer": "SCAR-20", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "SG 550", - "CZ-75", - "XM1014" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Southeast Asian island of Borneo is politically divided among 3 countries.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When was Steam first released?", - "correct_answer": "2003", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2004", - "2011", - "2007" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which German city is located on the River Isar?", - "correct_answer": "Munich", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Berlin", - "Hamburg", - "Dortmund" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these Starbound races has a Wild West culture?", - "correct_answer": "Novakid", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Avian", - "Human", - "Hylotl" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What device allows Tracer to manipulate her own time in the game "Overwatch"?", - "correct_answer": "Chronal Accelerator", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "B.L.I.N.K", - "Spacial Displacement Manipulator", - "TMD (Time Manipulation Device)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these songs is not by Tatsuro Yamashita?", - "correct_answer": "Lucky Lady Feel So Good ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Merry-Go Round", - "Let's Dance Baby", - "Love Talkin'" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who created the pump "F.L.U.D.D." Mario uses in Super Mario Sunshine?", - "correct_answer": "Elvin Gadd", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Robert Fludd", - "Nirona", - "Crygor" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "At what temperature does water boil?", - "correct_answer": "212°F", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "200°F", - "181°F", - "178°F" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The name of the attack "Kamehameha" in Dragon Ball Z was named after a famous king of Hawaii.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Pokemon Red & Blue, what is the name of HM05?", - "correct_answer": "Flash", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Strength", - "Cut", - "Fly" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "During the 2016 United States presidential election, the State of California possessed the most electoral votes, having 55.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Disney character sings the song "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes"?", - "correct_answer": "Cinderella", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Belle", - "Snow White", - "Pocahontas" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "According to Sherlock Holmes, "If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the..."", - "correct_answer": "Truth", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Answer", - "Cause", - "Source" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these bands is the oldest?", - "correct_answer": "Pink Floyd", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "AC/DC", - "Metallica", - "Red Hot Chili Peppers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "3 members of 2 Live Crew were arrested for playing songs from their album, As Nasty As They Wanna Be, live.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Riot Games "League of Legends" the name of Halloween event is called "The Reckoning".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the show "Steven Universe", who are the main two employees of The Big Donut?", - "correct_answer": "Sadie and Lars", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Steven and James", - "Erik and Julie", - "Bob and May" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Akatsuki's subclass in "Log Horizon" is what?", - "correct_answer": " Tracker", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Assassin", - "Scribe", - "Apprentice" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Super Mario Sunshine", how do you unlock the "Corona Mountain" level?", - "correct_answer": "By clearing every 7th episode", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "By obtaining 70 Shines", - "By clearing every episode involving a "Secret"", - "By unlocking every nozzle F.L.U.D.D can use" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the director of "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)"?", - "correct_answer": "Edgar Wright", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Phil Lord", - "Chris Miller", - "Seth Rogan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Before 2016, in which other year did Donald Trump run for President?", - "correct_answer": "2000", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2012", - "1988", - "2008" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Highschool DxD", what is the name of the item some humans are born with?", - "correct_answer": "Sacred Gear", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Imperial Arm", - "Hallowed Relic", - "Blessed Artifact" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In season one of the US Kitchen Nightmares, Gordan Ramsay tried to save 10 different restaurants. How many ended up closing afterwards?", - "correct_answer": "9", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "6", - "3", - "0" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What studio animated Fullmetal Alchemist?", - "correct_answer": "Bones", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Trigger", - "Pierrot", - "xebec" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following rings from the DC Comics' "Lantern Corps" are classified as Parasitic?", - "correct_answer": "Indigo (Compassion)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Green (Willpower)", - "White (Life)", - "Yellow (Fear)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "From 1940 to 1942, what was the capital-in-exile of Free France ?", - "correct_answer": "Brazzaville", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Algiers", - "Paris", - "Tunis" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which actor from The Young Ones also played Lord Flashheart in one episode of Blackadder II?", - "correct_answer": "Rik Mayall", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Adrian Edmondson", - "Nigel Planer", - "Christopher Ryan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which African American is in part responsible for integrating Major League baseball?", - "correct_answer": "Jackie Robinson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Curt Flood", - "Roy Campanella", - "Satchell Paige" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Where is Hadrian's Wall located?", - "correct_answer": "Carlisle, England", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rome, Italy", - "Alexandria, Egypt", - "Dublin, Ireland" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The fraudelent doctor John R. Brinkley acummulated great fame and wealth in the early 1900s offering what service?", - "correct_answer": "Goat testicles transplant", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pig blood transfusion", - "Cow liver transplant", - "Turkey breast implants" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When did the rapper Eazy-E die?", - "correct_answer": "March 26, 1995", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "July 11, 1992", - "February 14, 1993", - "October 21, 1994" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What war is Call Of Duty: Black Ops based on?", - "correct_answer": "Cold War", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "WW3", - "Vietnam", - "WW1" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which singer is portrayed by Bruce Campbell in the 2002 film 'Bubba Ho-Tep'?", - "correct_answer": "Elvis Presley", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Johnny Cash", - "Hank Williams, Sr.", - "Buddy Holly" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which English football team is nicknamed 'The Tigers'?", - "correct_answer": "Hull City", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cardiff City", - "Bristol City", - "Manchester City" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "NCIS stands for "Navy Corps Investigative Service"", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of "Team Fortress 2" update, in which it became Free-to-play?", - "correct_answer": "Über Update", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pyromania Update", - "Mann-Conomy Update", - "Engineer Update" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the nickname of Northampton town's rugby union club?", - "correct_answer": "Saints", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Harlequins", - "Saracens", - "Wasps" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the title of The Allman Brothers Band instrumental used as the theme to the BBC motoring show, 'Top Gear'?", - "correct_answer": "Jessica", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Angela", - "Erica", - "Sandra" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which team won the 2015-16 English Premier League?", - "correct_answer": "Leicester City", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Liverpool", - "Cheslea", - "Manchester United" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Vatican City is a country.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the shape of the toy invented by Hungarian professor Ern\u0151 Rubik?", - "correct_answer": "Cube", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sphere", - "Cylinder", - "Pyramid" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following battles is often considered as marking the beginning of the fall of the Western Roman Empire?", - "correct_answer": "Battle of Adrianople", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Battle of Thessalonica", - "Battle of Pollentia", - "Battle of Constantinople" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following former Yugoslavian states is landlocked?", - "correct_answer": "Serbia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bosnia and Herzegovina", - "Montenegro", - "Croatia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the setting of the show "Parks and Recreation"?", - "correct_answer": "Pawnee, Indiana", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Eagleton, Indiana", - "Pasadena, California", - "London, England" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In what year was "Metal Gear Solid" released in North America?", - "correct_answer": "1998", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1987", - "2001", - "2004" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the primary addictive substance found in tobacco?", - "correct_answer": "Nicotine", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cathinone", - "Ephedrine", - "Glaucine" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What scientific family does the Aardwolf belong to?", - "correct_answer": "Hyaenidae", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Canidae", - "Felidae", - "Eupleridae" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the atomic number of the element Strontium?", - "correct_answer": "38", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "73", - "47", - "11" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In which year did the Invasion of Kuwait by Iraq occur?", - "correct_answer": "1990", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1992", - "1988", - "1986" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What year was Huun Huur Tu's album Altai Sayan Tandy-Uula released? ", - "correct_answer": "2004", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1993", - "2006", - "2010" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which musical artist was NOT featured as playable avatars in the game "DJ Hero"?", - "correct_answer": "Dr. Dre", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "DJ Shadow", - "Daft Punk", - "Grandmaster Flash" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who wrote the young adult novel "The Fault in Our Stars"?", - "correct_answer": "John Green", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Stephenie Meyer", - "Suzanne Collins", - "Stephen Chbosky" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the leader of Team Instinct in Pokémon Go?", - "correct_answer": "Spark", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Candela", - "Blanche", - "Willow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the correct term for the metal object in between the CPU and the CPU fan within a computer system?", - "correct_answer": "Heat Sink", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "CPU Vent", - "Temperature Decipator", - "Heat Vent" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What do the video games No Man’s Sky and Mighty No. 9 have in common?", - "correct_answer": "Both were announced in 2013.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Both were crowdfunded.", - "Both were developed by indie studios.", - "Both were released for the PlayStation 3." - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year was Apple Inc. founded?", - "correct_answer": "1976", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1978", - "1980", - "1974" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Yu-Gi-Oh, how does a player perform an Xyz Summon?", - "correct_answer": "Overlay at least 2 Monsters of the Same Level", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Activate a Spell and Send Monsters to the Graveyard", - "Add the Monsters' Levels Together to Match the Xyz Monster", - "Banish A Number of Monsters From Your Hand And Deck" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following names is the "Mega Man" Franchise known as in Japan?", - "correct_answer": "Rockman", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Paperman", - "Scissorsman", - "Mega Man" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many copies have Metallica album "Metallica" (A.K.A The Black Album) sold worldwide (in Millions of Copies)?", - "correct_answer": "20.5", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "19.5", - "22.5", - "25.5" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The metric prefix "atto-" makes a measurement how much smaller than the base unit?", - "correct_answer": "One Quintillionth", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "One Billionth", - "One Quadrillionth", - "One Septillionth" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following United States senators is known for performing a 24-hour long filibuster?", - "correct_answer": "Strom Thurmond", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Roy Blunt", - "John Barrasso", - "Chuck Schumer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What does the term MIME stand for, in regards to computing?", - "correct_answer": "Multipurpose Internet Mail Extensions", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mail Internet Mail Exchange", - "Multipurpose Interleave Mail Exchange", - "Mail Interleave Method Exchange" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the game "Red Dead Redemption", what is the name of John Marston's dog?", - "correct_answer": "Rufus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rutus", - "Finn", - "Apollo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the creator of Touhou project?", - "correct_answer": "Zun", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jun", - "Twilight Frontier", - "Tasofro" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Nick Mason is the only member to appear on every Pink Floyd album.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the queen's pet in A Bug's Life?", - "correct_answer": "Aphie", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Flik", - "Hopper", - "Dot" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Calvin and Hobbes, what is the name of the principal at Calvin's school?", - "correct_answer": "Mr. Spittle", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mr. Boreman", - "Mr. Spitling", - "Mr. Moe" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the subtitle for Gran Turismo 3?", - "correct_answer": "A-Spec", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Championship", - "Drive", - "Nitro" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which country, not including Japan, has the most people of japanese decent?", - "correct_answer": "Brazil", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "China", - "South Korea", - "United States of America" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Musical artist, Future, collaborated with Kendrick Lamar for the song: "Mask Off".", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What round is a classic AK-47 chambered in?", - "correct_answer": "7.62x39mm", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "7.62x51mm", - "5.56x45mm", - "5.45x39mm" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the first ever entry written for the SCP Foundation collaborative writing project?", - "correct_answer": "SCP-173", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "SCP-001", - "SCP-999", - "SCP-1459" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In 1845, a series of wars named after which indigenous people began in New Zealand?", - "correct_answer": "M\u0101ori", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Papuans", - "Aborigines", - "Polynesians" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the god of war in Polynesian mythology?", - "correct_answer": "'Oro", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hina", - "Kohara", - "M\u0101ui" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the longest river in Europe?", - "correct_answer": "Volga", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Danube", - "Rhine", - "Thames" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "After the 1516 Battle of Marj Dabiq, the Ottoman Empire took control of Jerusalem from which sultanate?", - "correct_answer": "Mamluk", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ayyubid", - "Ummayyad", - "Seljuq" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the Video Game, Half-life, what type of US military force starts clearing out the Black Mesa Research Facility?", - "correct_answer": "The HECU", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Navy Seals", - "The Combine", - "The Marines" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many obsidian blocks are required to build a nether portal in Minecraft?", - "correct_answer": "10", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "14", - "13", - "16" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Resident Evil 4, the Chicago Typewriter has infinite ammo.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was the original Star Wars: Battlefront II released?", - "correct_answer": "October 31, 2005", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "December 18, 2004", - "November 21, 2006", - "September 9, 2007" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Han Solo's co-pilot and best friend, "Chewbacca", is an Ewok.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Montreal is in which Canadian province?", - "correct_answer": "Quebec", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ontario", - "Nova Scotia", - "Alberta" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Where does the Mac part of the name Fleetwood Mac come from?", - "correct_answer": "John McVie", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Christine McVie", - "Mac McAnally", - "David Tennant" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Beatle led the way across the zebra crossing on the Abbey Road album cover?", - "correct_answer": "John", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Paul", - "George", - "Ringo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "This movie contains the quote, "I feel the need ... the need for speed!"", - "correct_answer": "Top Gun", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Days of Thunder", - "The Color of Money", - "Cocktail" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Alaska is the largest state in the United States.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What did the name of the Tor Anonymity Network orignially stand for?", - "correct_answer": "The Onion Router", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Only Router", - "The Orange Router", - "The Ominous Router" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which psychological term refers to the stress of holding contrasting beliefs?", - "correct_answer": "Cognitive Dissonance", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Flip-Flop Syndrome", - "Split-Brain", - "Blind Sight" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who won the 1989 Drum Corps International championships?", - "correct_answer": "Santa Clara Vanguard", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Blue Devils", - "The Academy", - "The Bluecoats" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What country has a horizontal bicolor red and white flag?", - "correct_answer": "Monaco", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bahrain", - "Malta", - "Liechenstein" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the 1994 movie "Speed", what is the minimum speed the bus must go to prevent to bomb from exploding?", - "correct_answer": "50 mph", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "60 mph", - "40 mph", - "70 mph" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "No Game No Life first aired in 2014.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What's Harry Potter's dad's name?", - "correct_answer": "James Potter", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Joey Potter", - "Frank Potter", - "Hairy Potter Sr." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Need For Speed: Most Wanted (2005), how many people are there to defeat on the blacklist?", - "correct_answer": "15", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "5", - "10", - "20" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The 2016 song "Starboy" by Canadian singer The Weeknd features which prominent electronic artist?", - "correct_answer": "Daft Punk", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "deadmau5", - "Disclosure", - "DJ Shadow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Romanian belongs to the Romance language family, shared with French, Spanish, Portuguese and Italian. ", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the oldest team in the NFL?", - "correct_answer": "Arizona Cardinals", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chicago Bears", - "Green Bay Packers", - "New York Giants" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Bugatti was an Italian car manufacturer.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the capital of Belarus?", - "correct_answer": "Minsk", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Warsaw", - "Kiev", - "Vilnius" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following characters from the game "Overwatch" was revealed to be homosexual in December of 2016?", - "correct_answer": "Tracer", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Widowmaker", - "Sombra", - "Symmetra" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the unofficial name for Germany between 1919 and 1933?", - "correct_answer": "Weimar Republic", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "German Democratic Republic", - "Federal Republic of Germany", - "Oesterreich " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the first Studio Album to be released on the Internet with a "Pay-What-You-Want" price?", - "correct_answer": "In Rainbows", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Help Album", - "Skrillex and Diplo Present Jack Ü", - "Blackstar" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the video game "Transistor", "Red" is the name of the main character.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which character from the Mega Man series made a small cameo on Volt Catfish's introduction scene in CD versions of Mega Man X3?", - "correct_answer": "Auto", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Eddie", - "Tango", - "Rush" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Broome is a town in which state of Australia?", - "correct_answer": "Western Australia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Northern Territory", - "South Australia", - "Tasmania" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Muscle fiber is constructed of bundles small long organelles called what?", - "correct_answer": "Myofibrils", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Epimysium", - "Myofiaments", - "Myocardium" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the "PAYDAY" series, what is the real name of the character known as "Dallas"?", - "correct_answer": "Nathan Steele", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nate Siemens", - "Nick Stamos", - "Nolan Stuhlinger" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of Joel's daughter in the game, "The Last of Us"? ", - "correct_answer": "Sarah", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ellie", - "Tess", - "Marlene" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Jewelpet Sunshine", what is the song that plays when Kanon and her friends bust out of prison?", - "correct_answer": "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Eye Of The Tiger", - "Born to be Wild", - "Ruby Ring" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How old was Adolf Hitler when he died?", - "correct_answer": "56", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "43", - "65", - "47" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the only Generation III Pokemon whose name begins with the letter I?", - "correct_answer": "Illumise", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Infernape", - "Ivysaur", - "Igglybuff" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Whose greyscale face is on the kappa emoticon on Twitch?", - "correct_answer": "Josh DeSeno", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Justin DeSeno", - "John DeSeno", - "Jimmy DeSeno" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What Magic: The Gathering card's flavor text is just 'Ribbit.'?", - "correct_answer": "Turn to Frog", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Spore Frog", - "Bloated Toad", - "Frogmite" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Disney's "Toontown Online", which of these species wasn't available as a Toon?", - "correct_answer": "Cow", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Monkey", - "Bear", - "Pig" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which countries participated in the Lobster War?", - "correct_answer": "France and Brazil", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Canada and Norway", - "Australia and New Zealand", - "United States and England" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Brendan Fraser starred in the following movies, except which one?", - "correct_answer": "Titanic", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Monkeybone", - "Encino Man", - "Mrs. Winterbourne" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In what year did the Great Northern War, between Russia and Sweden, end?", - "correct_answer": "1721", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1726", - "1727", - "1724" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Unix Time is defined as the number of seconds that have elapsed since when?", - "correct_answer": "Midnight, January 1, 1970", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Midnight, July 4, 1976", - "Midnight on the creator of Unix's birthday", - "Midnight, July 4, 1980" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the profession of Elon Musk's mom, Maye Musk?", - "correct_answer": "Model", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Professor", - "Biologist", - "Musician" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What are the Three Virtues of Bionicle?", - "correct_answer": "Unity, Duty, Destiny", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Build, Play, Change", - "Work, Play, Live", - "Forge, Build, Fight" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who was the first American in space?", - "correct_answer": "Alan Shephard", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Neil Armstrong", - "John Glenn", - "Jim Lovell" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the code name given to Sonic the Hedgehog 4 during its development?", - "correct_answer": "Project Needlemouse", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Project Bluespike", - "Project Roboegg", - "Project Darksphere" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many people can you recruit in the game Suikoden in a single playthrough?", - "correct_answer": "107", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "108", - "93", - "96" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the film "Interstellar", how long did they spend on Miller's planet?", - "correct_answer": "23 years, 4 months, and 8 days", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "15 years, 2 months, and 15 days", - "10 months and 6 days", - "26 years, 4 months, and 10 days" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which actress danced the twist with John Travolta in 'Pulp Fiction'?", - "correct_answer": "Uma Thurman", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kathy Griffin", - "Pam Grier", - "Bridget Fonda" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The first computer bug was formed by faulty wires.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these island countries is located in the Caribbean?", - "correct_answer": "Barbados", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fiji", - "Maldives", - "Seychelles" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which city is the capital of Switzerland?", - "correct_answer": "Bern", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Zürich", - "Frankfurt", - "Wien" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the capital of Turkey?", - "correct_answer": "Ankara", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Istanbul", - "Izmir", - "Bursa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which famous spy novelist wrote the childrens' story "Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang"?", - "correct_answer": "Ian Fleming", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Joseph Conrad", - "John Buchan", - "Graham Greene" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Super Mario 64", collecting 100 coins on a level will give you a 1-UP.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these characters in "Undertale" can the player NOT go on a date with?", - "correct_answer": "Toriel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Papyrus", - "Undyne", - "Alphys" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following Autobot names in Michael Bay's movies was NOT a name for a Transformer in the original 1980's cartoon?", - "correct_answer": "Mudflap", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Skids", - "Sideswipe", - "Ratchet" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Clash Royale" what is Arena 4 called?", - "correct_answer": "P.E.K.K.A's Playhouse", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Barbarian Bowl", - "Spell Valley", - "Royal Arena" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Due to the Nagoya Resolution, China agreed to allow Taiwan to compete separately in international sporting events under what name?", - "correct_answer": "Chinese Taipei", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chinese Taiwan", - "Republic of Taiwan", - "Republic of Taipei " - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Sciophobia is the fear of what?", - "correct_answer": "Shadows", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Eating", - "Bright lights", - "Transportation" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year did the Battle of Agincourt take place?", - "correct_answer": "1415", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1463", - "1401", - "1422" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Generally, which component of a computer draws the most power?", - "correct_answer": "Video Card", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hard Drive", - "Processor", - "Power Supply" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The PlayStation was originally a joint project between Sega and Sony that was a Sega Genesis with a disc drive.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which one of these actors is said to be cut from the film 'E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial'?", - "correct_answer": "Harrison Ford", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Michael J. Fox", - "Andy Kaufman", - "Arnold Schwarzenegger" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these songs is NOT included in the Suicide Squad OST?", - "correct_answer": "Skies on Fire - AC/DC", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Heathens - Twenty One Pilots", - "Without Me - Eminem", - "Fortunate Son - Creedence Clearwater Revival" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Five dollars is worth how many nickles?", - "correct_answer": "100", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "50", - "25", - "69" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these Roman gods doesn't have a counterpart in Greek mythology?", - "correct_answer": "Janus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vulcan", - "Juno", - "Mars" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the frontman of Muse?", - "correct_answer": "Matt Bellamy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dominic Howard", - "Thom Yorke", - "Jonny Greenwood" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which American civilization is the source of the belief that the world would end or drastically change on December 21st, 2012?", - "correct_answer": "The Mayans", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Incas", - "The Aztecs", - "The Navajos" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Where does the book "The Silence of the Lambs" get its title from?", - "correct_answer": "The main character's trauma in childhood", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The relation it has with killing the innocents", - "The villain's favourite meal", - "The voice of innocent people being shut by the powerful" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which car tire manufacturer is famous for its "Eagle" brand of tires, and is the official tire supplier of NASCAR?", - "correct_answer": "Goodyear", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pirelli", - "Bridgestone", - "Michelin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Phil Fish was the designer of which game?", - "correct_answer": "Fez", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Super Meat Boy", - "Hotline Miami", - "FTL" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What do the letters of the fast food chain KFC stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Kentucky Fried Chicken", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kentucky Fresh Cheese", - "Kibbled Freaky Cow", - "Kiwi Food Cut" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Digimon, what is the Japanese name for the final evolutionary stage?", - "correct_answer": "Ultimate", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mega", - "Adult", - "Champion" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many voice channels does the Nintendo Entertainment System support natively?", - "correct_answer": "5", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "4", - "6", - "3" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which operation in "Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Siege" introduced the "Skyscraper" map?", - "correct_answer": "Red Crow", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Velvet Shell", - "Skull Rain", - "Dust Line" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Heroes of the Storm, the Cursed Hollow map gimmick requires players to kill the undead to curse the enemy team.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was the video game "P.A.M.E.L.A." released on Steam?", - "correct_answer": "March 9, 2017", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "January 7, 2007", - "October 23, 1997", - "February 16, 2015" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Toriko", which of the following Heavenly Kings has an enhanced sense of Hearing?", - "correct_answer": "Zebra", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Coco", - "Sunny", - "Toriko" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the "Devil May Cry" franchise, which game is chronologically first?", - "correct_answer": "Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Devil May Cry 4", - "Devil May Cry", - "Devil May Cry 2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Starbound", according to the asset files, the description of the "Erchius Ghost" is the same as which other assets?", - "correct_answer": "Spookit", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Petricub", - "Trictus", - "Pyromantle" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Andaman and Nicobar Islands in South East Asia are controlled by which country?", - "correct_answer": "India", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vietnam", - "Thailand", - "Indonesia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""Make You Feel My Love" was originally written and performed by which singer-songwriter?", - "correct_answer": "Bob Dylan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Elvis", - "Adele", - "Billy Joel" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Hidden in the files for "Mario Kart Arcade GP" is a picture of the Beslan school hostage crisis.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Resident Evil 2", what is Leon Kennedy's middle name?", - "correct_answer": "Scott", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shaun", - "Simon", - "Sam" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the scientific name of the Common Chimpanzee?", - "correct_answer": "Pan troglodytes", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gorilla gorilla", - "Pan paniscus", - "Panthera leo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the author of the series "Malazan Book of the Fallen"?", - "correct_answer": "Steven Erikson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ian Cameron Esslemont", - "George R. R. Martin", - "J. R. R. Tolkien" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who wrote "A Tale of Two Cities"?", - "correct_answer": "Charles Dickens", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Charles Darwin", - "Mark Twain", - "Roald Dahl" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "During the events of Half-Life: Opposing Force, what is the age of Adrian Shephard, the protagonist?", - "correct_answer": "22", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "23", - "21", - "24" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the largest country in the world ?", - "correct_answer": "Russian Federation", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "China", - "Canada", - "Brazil" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which game did "Sonic The Hedgehog" make his first appearance in?", - "correct_answer": "Rad Mobile", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sonic The Hedgehog", - "Super Mario 64", - "Mega Man" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year did the television company BBC officially launch the channel BBC One?", - "correct_answer": "1936", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1948", - "1932", - "1955" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "During the Mongolian invasions of Japan, what were the Mongol boats mostly stopped by?", - "correct_answer": "Typhoons", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tornados", - "Economic depression", - "Samurai" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who voiced the character Draco in the 1996 movie 'DragonHeart'?", - "correct_answer": "Sean Connery", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dennis Quaid", - "Pete Postlethwaite", - "Brian Thompson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Japan was part of the Allied Powers during World War I.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Seoul is the capital of North Korea.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which singer was featured in Jack Ü (Skrillex & Diplo)'s 2015 song 'Where Are Ü Now'?", - "correct_answer": "Justin Bieber", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Selena Gomez", - "Ellie Goulding", - "The Weeknd" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Queen song `A Kind Of Magic` is featured in which 1986 film?", - "correct_answer": "Highlander", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Flash Gordon", - "Labyrinth", - "Howard the Duck" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a province in China?", - "correct_answer": "Yangtze", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fujian", - "Sichuan", - "Guangdong" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a main playable character in "Grand Theft Auto V"?", - "correct_answer": "Lamar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Trevor", - "Michael", - "Franklin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Before the 19th Century, the "Living Room" was originally called the...", - "correct_answer": "Parlor", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Open Room", - "Sitting Room", - "Loft" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What did the first vending machines in the early 1880's dispense?", - "correct_answer": "Post cards", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Alcohol", - "Cigarettes", - "Sodas " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In what year was the game "Fallout" released?", - "correct_answer": "1997", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1998", - "1999", - "1996" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which movie sequel had improved box office results compared to its original film?", - "correct_answer": "Toy Story 2", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sin City: A Dame to Kill For", - "Speed 2: Cruise Control", - "Son of the Mask" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In World of Warcraft lore, Thrall is the original wielder of "Doomhammer".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which one of these is not an official development name for a Ubuntu release?", - "correct_answer": "Mystic Mansion", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Trusty Tahr", - "Utopic Unicorn", - "Wily Werewolf" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which country does the power metal band "Sabaton" originate from?", - "correct_answer": "Sweden", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Germany", - "United States", - "Finland" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How tall is Tom Cruise?", - "correct_answer": "5′ 7″", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "5′ 9″", - "5′ 4″", - "5′ 5″" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What's the name of the halloween-related Sims 4 Stuff Pack released September 29th, 2015?", - "correct_answer": "Spooky Stuff", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ghosts n' Ghouls", - "Nerving Nights", - "Fearful Frights" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "One of Donald Trump's 2016 Presidential Campaign promises was to build a border wall between the United States and Mexico.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the game "Persona 4", what is the canonical name of the protagonist?", - "correct_answer": "Yu Narukami", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chino Mashido", - "Tunki Sunada", - "Masaki Narinaka" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""The Potato Sack" was a collection of indie games released on Steam in 2011 as a promotion for which game?", - "correct_answer": "Portal 2", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Left 4 Dead 2", - "Half-Life 3", - "Dota 2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Zero factorial is equal to zero. ", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What's the first National Park designated in the United States?", - "correct_answer": "Yellowstone", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sequoia ", - "Yosemite", - "Rocky Mountain" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Actor Tommy Chong served prison time.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Pete Townshend's solo album, "White City: A Novel", is set in the metropolitan area of Chicago.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Neil Hamburger is played by which comedian?", - "correct_answer": "Gregg Turkington", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nathan Fielder", - "Tim Heidecker", - "Todd Glass" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which character does the player play as in the video game "Bastion"?", - "correct_answer": "The Kid", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rucks", - "Zulf", - "Zia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following presidents is not on Mount Rushmore?", - "correct_answer": "John F. Kennedy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Theodore Roosevelt", - "Abraham Lincoln", - "Thomas Jefferson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of Chris's brother in "Everybody Hates Chris"?", - "correct_answer": "Drew", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jerome", - "Greg", - "Joe" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which is NOT a book in the Harry Potter Series?", - "correct_answer": "The House Elf", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Chamber of Secrets", - "The Prisoner of Azkaban", - "The Deathly Hallows" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Rick And Morty", who shot "Mr. Poopybutthole" in the episode "Total Rickall"?", - "correct_answer": "Beth", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rick", - "Jerry", - "Morty" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what sport does Fanny Chmelar compete for Germany?", - "correct_answer": "Skiing", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Swimming", - "Showjumping", - "Gymnastics" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which weapon that was cut from the game "Half Life 2" was going to replace the crowbar?", - "correct_answer": "Ice Axe", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fire Axe", - "Wrench", - "Hunting Knife" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": " Which of these champions from the MOBA 'League of Legends' is NOT a Yordle?", - "correct_answer": "Annie", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Veigar", - "Tristana", - "Lulu" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is an alternative name for multiple personality disorder?", - "correct_answer": "Dissociative identity disorder", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Body integrity identity disorder", - "Identity crisis", - "Schizophrenia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which famous military commander marched an army, which included war elephants, over the Alps during the Second Punic War?", - "correct_answer": "Hannibal", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Garmanicus", - "Alexander the Great", - "Tiberius" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was The Velvet Underground's first album called?", - "correct_answer": "The Velvet Underground & Nico", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Loaded", - "The Velvet Underground", - "White Light / White Heat" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these artists did NOT feature in the fitfh studio album "Humanz" by British virtual band Gorillaz?", - "correct_answer": "Snoop Dogg", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vince Staples", - "Pusha T", - "Danny Brown" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Canadian football, scoring a rouge is worth how many points?", - "correct_answer": "1", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2", - "3", - "4" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who is the only US president to serve two non-consecutive terms in office?", - "correct_answer": "Grover Cleveland", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "James K. Polk", - "Franklin D. Roosevelt", - "Thomas Jefferson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the capital of the American state of Arizona?", - "correct_answer": "Phoenix", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Montgomery", - "Tallahassee", - "Raleigh" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Greek letter represents the "Half-Life" logo?", - "correct_answer": "Lambda", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Omega", - "Alpha", - "Sigma" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which actor played the main character in the 1990 film "Edward Scissorhands"?", - "correct_answer": "Johnny Depp", - "incorrect_answers": [ - " Clint Eastwood", - "Leonardo DiCaprio", - "Ben Stiller" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the former country that was succeeded by countries such as Serbia, Croatia and Slovenia?", - "correct_answer": "Yugoslavia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Czechoslovakia", - "Abkhazia", - "South Ossetia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Rolex is a company that specializes in what type of product?", - "correct_answer": "Watches", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cars", - "Computers", - "Sports equipment" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The two atomic bombs dropped on Japan by the United States in August 1945 were named 'Little Man' and 'Fat Boy'.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these stars is the largest?", - "correct_answer": "UY Scuti", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "VY Canis Majoris", - "Betelgeuse", - "RW Cephei" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the anime "Mr. Osomatsu", how many brothers does Osomatsu-san have?", - "correct_answer": "5", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "6", - "7", - "4" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following James Bond villains is not affiliated with the SPECTRE organization?", - "correct_answer": "Auric Goldfinger", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dr. Julius No", - "Rosa Klebb", - "Emilio Largo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following films was Don Bluth both the writer, director, and producer for?", - "correct_answer": "All Dogs Go To Heaven", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Titan A.E.", - "Anastasia", - "The Land Before Time" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which brass instrument has the lowest pitch in an orchestra?", - "correct_answer": "Tuba", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Trumpet", - "Saxophone", - "Trombone" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a part of the structure of a typical neuron?", - "correct_answer": "Islets of Langerhans", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Node of Ranvier", - "Schwann cell", - "Myelin sheath" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the Italian word for "tomato"?", - "correct_answer": "Pomodoro", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Aglio", - "Cipolla", - "Peperoncino" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the creator of the Super Smash Bros. Series?", - "correct_answer": "Masahiro Sakurai", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Reggie Fils-Aimé", - "Bill Trinen", - "Hideo Kojima" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What country saw a world record 315 million voters turn out for elections on May 20, 1991?", - "correct_answer": "India", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "United States of America", - "Soviet Union", - "Poland" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What happened to Half-Life 2 prior to its release, which resulted in Valve starting over the development of the game?", - "correct_answer": "The source code got leaked", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "They weren't satisfied with the result", - "The story was not good enough", - "Way too many bugs to be fixed" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "TF2: Sentry rocket damage falloff is calculated based on the distance between the sentry and the enemy, not the engineer and the enemy", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The biggest distinction between a eukaryotic cell and a prokaryotic cell is:", - "correct_answer": "The presence or absence of a nucleus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The overall size", - "The presence or absence of certain organelles", - "The mode of reproduction" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "According to the American rapper Nelly, what should you do when its hot in here?", - "correct_answer": "Take off all your clothes", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Take a cool shower", - "Drink some water", - "Go skinny dipping" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Sonic the Hedgehog game was originally supposed to be packaged with Sonic 3, but was cut in half due to time constraints?", - "correct_answer": "Sonic & Knuckles", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sonic 2", - "Sonic CD", - "Sonic 3D Blast" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which computer language would you associate Django framework with?", - "correct_answer": "Python", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "C#", - "C++", - "Java" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which country does the electronic music duo "The Knife" originate from?", - "correct_answer": "Sweden", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Finland", - "Denmark", - "Norway" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of rocky region that spans most of eastern Canada?", - "correct_answer": "Canadian Shield", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rocky Mountains", - "Appalachian Mountains", - "Himalayas" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What does Solid Snake use to hide himself with?", - "correct_answer": "Cardboard Box", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cloaking Device", - "Metal Crate", - "Cardboard cut-out" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When was the city of Rome, Italy founded?", - "correct_answer": "753 BCE", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "902 BCE", - "524 BCE", - "697 BCE" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the best selling album of 2015?", - "correct_answer": "Adele, 25", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fetty Wap, Fetty Wap", - "Taylor Swift, 1989", - "Justin Bieber, Purpose" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of New Zealand's indigenous people?", - "correct_answer": "Maori", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vikings", - "Polynesians", - "Samoans" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Undertale, how much do Spider Donuts cost in Hotland?", - "correct_answer": "9999G", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "7G", - "40G", - "12G" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Stagecoach owned "South West Trains" before losing the rights to FirstGroup and MTR in March of 2017.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The French Kingdom helped the United States gain their independence over Great Britain during the Revolutionary War.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Finding Nemo, what was the name of Nemo's mom?", - "correct_answer": "Coral", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sandy", - "Pearl", - "Shelly" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Toussaint Louverture led a successful slave revolt in which country?", - "correct_answer": "Haiti", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "France", - "Cuba", - "United States" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following is not a studio album by the band Pink Floyd?", - "correct_answer": "Moving Pictures", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Dark Side of the Moon", - "Wish You Were Here", - "Animals" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Not including false teeth; A human has two sets of teeth in their lifetime.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many provinces are in the Netherlands?", - "correct_answer": "12", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "14", - "10", - "13" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Canadian $1 coin is colloquially known as a what?", - "correct_answer": "Loonie", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Boolie", - "Foolie", - "Moodie" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name for the auditory illusion of a note that seems to be rising infinitely?", - "correct_answer": "Shepard Tone", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Glissandro Illusion", - "Fransen Effect", - "McGurck Effect" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which retro video game was released first?", - "correct_answer": "Space Invaders", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Galaga", - "Pac-Man", - "Asteroids" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In physics, conservation of energy and conservation of momentum are both consequences of which of the following?", - "correct_answer": "Noether's Theorem", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bell's Theorem", - "Wick's Theorem", - "Carnot's Theorem" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Better known by his nickname Logan, what is Wolverine's birth name?", - "correct_answer": "James Howlett", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Logan Wolf", - "Thomas Wilde", - "John Savage" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Black Hammer, what dimension does Colonel Weird travel through?", - "correct_answer": "Para-Zone", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hyperspace", - "Mirror Universe", - "Phantom Zone" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Five Nights at Freddy's 1, how can you make disappear Golden Freddy?", - "correct_answer": "Enable cameras", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Turn on the light", - "Shut the door", - "Do nothing" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the video-game franchise Kingdom Hearts, the main protagonist, carries a weapon with what shape?", - "correct_answer": "Key", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sword", - "Pen", - "Cellphone" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In World of Warcraft Lore, four Old Gods created a giant and powerful creature. What was it called? ", - "correct_answer": "The Ancient One", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Anomalous", - "Eater of Souls", - "The Lich King" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the real name of "moot", founder of the imageboard 4chan?", - "correct_answer": "Christopher Poole", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mark Zuckerberg", - "Allison Harvard", - "Catie Wayne" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "There aren't any live-action clones in "Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith".", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "By what name is Carlos Estevez better known? ", - "correct_answer": "Charlie Sheen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ricky Martin", - "Bruno Mars", - "Joaquin Phoenix" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which country has the international vehicle registration letter 'A'?", - "correct_answer": "Austria", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Afghanistan", - "Australia", - "Armenia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The map featured in Arma 3 named "Altis" is based off of what Greek island?", - "correct_answer": "Lemnos", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ithaca", - "Naxos", - "Anafi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many Hz does the video standard PAL support?", - "correct_answer": "50", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "59", - "60", - "25" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year was the original Sonic the Hedgehog game released?", - "correct_answer": "1991", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1989", - "1993", - "1995" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Gamecube Version of "Resident Evil" what text document is open on the monitor of the computer in the Visual Data Room?", - "correct_answer": "A GDC Document", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Text Document on Herbs", - "Nothing", - "Document on B.O.Ws" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the original "Super Mario Bros.", what is the acceleration of Mario if he was in free fall?", - "correct_answer": "91.28 m/s^2", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "110 m/s^2", - "9.42 m/s^2", - "4.4 m/s^2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the true moon princess in Sailor Moon?", - "correct_answer": "Sailor Moon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sailor Venus", - "Sailor Mars", - "Sailor Jupiter" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the main character in the webcomic Gunnerkrigg Court by Tom Siddell?", - "correct_answer": "Antimony", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bismuth", - "Mercury", - "Cobalt" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following characters were considered for inclusion in Super Smash Bros. Melee?", - "correct_answer": "Lucas", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mega Man", - "Meta Knight", - "Diddy Kong" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Pink Floyd made this song for their previous lead singer Syd Barrett.", - "correct_answer": "Shine On You Crazy Diamond", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wish You Were Here", - "Have A Cigar", - "Welcome to the Machine" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the capital of Senegal?", - "correct_answer": "Dakar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nouakchott", - "Conakry", - "Monrovia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the leader of Team Mystic in Pokémon Go?", - "correct_answer": "Blanche", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Candela", - "Spark", - "Willow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The decimal number 31 in hexadecimal would be what?", - "correct_answer": "1F", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "3D", - "2E", - "1B" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which famous 90's rap album is commonly referred to as "The Bible of Hip Hop"?", - "correct_answer": "Illmatic", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Low End Theory", - "The Chronic", - "Enter The Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which franchise had a special event hosted in the popular MMORPG Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn?", - "correct_answer": "Yo-kai Watch", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pokémon", - "Yu-gi-oh", - "Buddyfight" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What caused the titular mascot of Yo-Kai Watch, Jibanyan, to become a yokai?", - "correct_answer": "Being run over by a truck", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ate one too many chocobars", - "Through a magical ritual", - "When he put on the harmaki" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Liechtenstein does not have an airport.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ".rs is the top-level domain for what country?", - "correct_answer": "Serbia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Romania", - "Russia", - "Rwanda" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Halo", what is the name of the planet which Installation 04 orbits?", - "correct_answer": "Threshold", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Substance", - "Sanghelios", - "Te" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the game Pokémon Conquest, how many kingdoms make up the region of Ransei?", - "correct_answer": "17", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "18", - "15", - "16" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the main character in the video game "Just Cause 3"?", - "correct_answer": "Rico Rodriguez", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tom Sheldon", - "Marcus Holloway", - "Mario Frigo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The minigun was designed in 1960 by which manufacturer.", - "correct_answer": "General Electric", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Colt Firearms", - "Heckler & Koch", - "Sig Sauer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which actors made up the trio in "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly"? ", - "correct_answer": "Clint Eastwood, Eli Wallach, and Lee Van Cleef", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sergio Leone, Ennio Morricone, and Tonino Delli Colli", - "Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen, and Charles Bronson", - "Aldo Giuffrè, Mario Brega, and Luigi Pistilli" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Call of Duty: Zombies", what group does Doctor Maxis work for?", - "correct_answer": "Group 935", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Group Reanimate", - "Group Rezurrection", - "Division 9" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is Tasmania?", - "correct_answer": "An Australian State", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A flavor of Ben and Jerry's ice-cream", - "A Psychological Disorder", - "The Name of a Warner Brothers Cartoon Character" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Named after the mallow flower, mauve is a shade of what?", - "correct_answer": "Purple", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Red", - "Brown", - "Pink" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many rivers are in Saudi Arabia?", - "correct_answer": "0", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1", - "2", - "3" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "BMW M GmbH is a subsidiary of BMW AG that focuses on car performance.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In AMC's TV Series "The Walking Dead" what are "Zombies" referred to as?", - "correct_answer": "Walkers", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Creepers", - "Maggots", - "Hell Pigs" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which author co-wrote "The Communist Manifesto" alongside Karl Marx?", - "correct_answer": "Friedrich Engels", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Robert Owen", - "Alexander Kerensky", - "Paul Lafargue" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Located in Chile, El Teniente is the world's largest underground mine for what metal?", - "correct_answer": "Copper", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Iron", - "Nickel", - "Silver" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the game "Until Dawn" Emily is the only playable character who can be killed by another playable character directly.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Bir Tawil, an uninhabited track of land claimed by no country, is located along the border of which two countries?", - "correct_answer": "Egypt and Sudan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Israel and Jordan", - "Chad and Libya", - "Iraq and Saudi Arabia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Beatle wrote and sang the song "Why Don't We Do It in the Road" after being inspired by seeing two monkeys copulating in the street?", - "correct_answer": "Paul", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "John", - "George", - "Ringo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these theoretical phycisists first predicted the existence of antimatter?", - "correct_answer": "Paul Dirac", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Niels Bohr", - "Albert Einstein", - "Werner Heisenberg" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What animal did Queen Pasipahe sleep with before she gave birth to the Minotaur in Greek Mythology?", - "correct_answer": "Bull", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pig", - "Ox", - "Horse" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was James Coburn's last film role before his death?", - "correct_answer": "American Gun", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Monsters Inc", - "Texas Rangers", - "Snow Dogs" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What island in the Canary Islands was the scene of one of the worst air disasters in history with the collision of two jumbo jets?", - "correct_answer": "Tenerife", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fuerteventura", - "Gran Canaria", - "Maui" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Johnny Depp made his big-screen acting debut in which film?", - "correct_answer": "A Nightmare on Elm Street", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "My Bloody Valentine", - "Halloween", - "Friday the 13th" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Resident Evil", only Chris has access to the grenade launcher.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who wrote "Harry Potter"?", - "correct_answer": "J.K. Rowling", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "J.R.R. Tolkien", - "Terry Pratchett", - "Daniel Radcliffe" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the "Shrek" film franchise, Donkey is played by Eddie Murphy.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the colour of unoxidized blood?", - "correct_answer": "Red", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Blue", - "Purple", - "Green" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the last Aphex Twin album released before his decade-long hiatus?", - "correct_answer": "Drukqs", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Windowlicker", - "Syro", - "Collected Ambient Works 85-92" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The cover of The Beatles album "Abbey Road" featured a Volkswagen Beetle in the background.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which famous world leader is famed for the saying, "Let them eat cake", yet is rumored that he/she never said it at all?", - "correct_answer": "Marie Antoinette", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Czar Nicholas II", - "Elizabeth I", - "Henry VIII" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the name given to Android 4.3?", - "correct_answer": "Jelly Bean", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lollipop", - "Nutella", - "Froyo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Sitting for more than three hours a day can cut two years off a person's life expectancy.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The creator of the Touhou Project series is:", - "correct_answer": "ZUN", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "SUN", - "RUN", - "PUN" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a playable character in "Left 4 Dead"?", - "correct_answer": "Nick", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Louis", - "Zoey", - "Bill" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the first sport to have been played on the moon?", - "correct_answer": "Golf", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Football", - "Tennis", - "Soccer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year is considered to be the year that the British Empire ended?", - "correct_answer": "1997", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1986", - "1981", - "1971" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The book "The Little Prince" was written by...", - "correct_answer": "Antoine de Saint-Exupéry", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra", - "Jane Austen", - "F. Scott Fitzgerald" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, who is the jester in the dark brotherhood?", - "correct_answer": "Cicero", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lucien Lachance", - "Archimedes", - "Astrid" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "It's not possible to format a write-protected DVD-R Hard Disk.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which German city does the map "Clubhouse" in "Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Siege" take place in?", - "correct_answer": "Hannover", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Berlin", - "Hamburg", - "Munich" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following tabletop games is the oldest?", - "correct_answer": "Go", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chess", - "Mahjong", - "Shogi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which member of "The Beatles" narrated episodes of "Thomas the Tank Engine"?", - "correct_answer": "Ringo Starr", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "George Harrison", - "John Lennon", - "Paul McCartney" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which was the first "Call Of Duty: Zombies" map to introduce the "Wunderwaffe DG-2"?", - "correct_answer": "Shi No Numa", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tranzit", - "Kino Der Toten", - "Der Riese" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following is another name for the "Poecilotheria Metallica Tarantula"?", - "correct_answer": "Gooty", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hopper", - "Silver Stripe", - "Woebegone" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many independent countries are there within the continent of South America?", - "correct_answer": "12", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "8", - "9", - "10" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "The Witness", how many lasers must be activated to get into the mountain area?", - "correct_answer": "7", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "8", - "5", - "12" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which animation studio produced the anime adaptation of "xxxHolic"?", - "correct_answer": "Production I.G", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sunrise", - "Xebec", - "Kyoto Animation" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which stand-up comedian voiced the talking parrot "Iago" in Disney's 1992 adaptation of Aladdin?", - "correct_answer": "Gilbert Gottfried", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Robin Williams", - "Pauly Shore", - "Jonathan Freeman" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the star sign of someone born on Valentines day?", - "correct_answer": "Aquarius", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pisces", - "Capricorn", - "Scorpio" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which country is the Taedong River in?", - "correct_answer": "North Korea", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "South Korea", - "Japan", - "China" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which U.S. president was said to have been too honest to lie to his father about chopping down a cherry tree?", - "correct_answer": "George Washington", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Abraham Lincoln", - "Thomas Jefferson", - "James Monroe" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following elements is typically used in the doping of the semiconductor silicon?", - "correct_answer": "Boron", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Oxygen", - "Carbon", - "Iron" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the fourth digit of π?", - "correct_answer": "1", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2", - "3", - "4" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Bionicle, who was formerly a Av-Matoran and is now the Toa of Light?", - "correct_answer": "Takua", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jaller", - "Vakama", - "Tahu" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the movie "Back to the Future," what speed does Doc Brown's DeLorean need to reach in order to travel through time?", - "correct_answer": "88 mph", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "77 mph", - "100 mph", - "70 mph" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What year did Dire Straits's Song "Money for Nothing" release?", - "correct_answer": "1985", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1973", - "1980", - "1991" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many sets of grandmaster witcher gear are in The Witcher 3's Blood and Wine DLC?", - "correct_answer": "5", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "3", - "6", - "4" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What does the letter 'S' stand for in 'NASA'?", - "correct_answer": "Space", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Science", - "Society", - "Star" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which 1958 movie starred Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis as half-brothers Einar and Eric?", - "correct_answer": "The Vikings ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Long Ships", - "Prince Valiant", - "Spartacus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the capital of Peru?", - "correct_answer": "Lima", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Santiago", - "Montevideo", - "Buenos Aires" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which king was killed at the Battle of Bosworth Field in 1485? ", - "correct_answer": "Richard III", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Edward V", - "Henry VII", - "James I" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Paul McCartney has always used his middle name. What is his real first name? ", - "correct_answer": "James", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "John", - "Jack", - "Justin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "An organic compound is considered an alcohol if it has what functional group?", - "correct_answer": "Hydroxyl", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Carbonyl", - "Alkyl", - "Aldehyde" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What African country has Portuguese as its official language?", - "correct_answer": "Mozambique", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Botswana", - "Gabon", - "Togo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When did the last episode of "Futurama" air?", - "correct_answer": "September 4, 2013", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "December 25, 2010", - "March 28, 1999", - "On Going" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Half-Life 2" runs on the Source Engine.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the name of the first artificial Earth satellite, launched by the Soviet Union in 1957?", - "correct_answer": "Sputnik 1", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Soyuz 7K-OK", - "Zenit-2", - "Voskhod 3KV" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many time zones does China have?", - "correct_answer": "1", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "3", - "4", - "2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these artists did NOT remix the song "Faded" by Alan Walker?", - "correct_answer": "Skrillex", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tiësto", - "Slushii", - "Dash Berlin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Fairy Tail", what is the nickname of Natsu Dragneel?", - "correct_answer": "The Salamander", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Dragon Slayer", - "The Dragon", - "The Demon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these is NOT the name of an album released by English singer-songwriter Adele?", - "correct_answer": "12", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "19", - "21", - "25" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Disney's Haunted Mansion is home to a trio of Hitchhiking Ghosts. Which of these is NOT one of them?", - "correct_answer": "Harry", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gus", - "Phineas", - "Ezra" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many sonatas did Ludwig van Beethoven write?", - "correct_answer": "32", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "50", - "31", - "21" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "TF2: The Medic will be credited for an assist if he heals a Spy that successfully saps a building.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many seasons did "Stargate SG-1" have?", - "correct_answer": "10", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "3", - "7", - "12" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The protagonist in the game "Cave Story" is named", - "correct_answer": "Quote", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kazuma", - "Curly", - "Arthur" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Pokemon generation did the fan-named "Masuda Method" first appear in? ", - "correct_answer": "Diamond/Pearl", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ruby/Sapphire", - "Black/White", - "X/Y" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In what year was the game "Eliminator" released?", - "correct_answer": "1998", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2000", - "1999", - "2001" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Terraria, you can craft the Cell Phone pre-hardmode.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Macbeth, the eyes of what animals were used in the Witches' cauldron?", - "correct_answer": "Newts", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Humans", - "Sharks", - "Squids" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was Nintendo's Virtual Boy released?", - "correct_answer": "1995", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1989", - "1997", - "1992" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the capital of Seychelles?", - "correct_answer": "Victoria", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Luanda", - "N'Djamena", - "Tripoli" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "David Baszucki was a co-founder of ROBLOX Corporation.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What breed of dog is "Scooby Doo"?", - "correct_answer": "Great Dane", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pit bull", - "Boxer", - "Doberman Pinscher" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Gravity Falls", the character Bill Cipher remarks that "the universe is what?"", - "correct_answer": "A hologram ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "An illusion ", - "A simulation", - "Corrupting" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In United States history, how many vice presidents did Franklin D. Roosevelt have during his time in office as president?", - "correct_answer": "3", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1", - "2", - "0" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the beginning of the game "Sonic Adventure", what color Chaos Emerald does Tails own?", - "correct_answer": "Purple", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Red", - "Green", - "Blue" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Maori hold that which island nation was founded by Kupe, who discovered it under a long white cloud?", - "correct_answer": "New Zealand", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vanuatu", - "Fiji", - "Hawaii" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which card is on the cover of the Beta rulebook of "Magic: The Gathering"?", - "correct_answer": "Bog Wraith", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Island", - "Rock Hydra", - "Elvish Archers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the full first name of the babysitter in Calvin and Hobbes?", - "correct_answer": "Rosalyn", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rose", - "Ruby", - "Rachel" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which chemical element was originally known as Alabamine?", - "correct_answer": "Astatine", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Selenium", - "Antimony", - "Molybdenum" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these characters is NOT a boss in Crash Bash?", - "correct_answer": "Ripper Roo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Papu Papu", - "Komodo brothers", - "Nitros Oxide" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which year was the Megadeth album "Peace Sells... but Who's Buying?" released?", - "correct_answer": "1986", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1979", - "1987", - "1983" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In 2004, which person(s) created "Roblox"?", - "correct_answer": "David Baszucki and Erik Cassel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Erik Cassel", - "Jonas Alto and Sarah Smith", - "James Kolein" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the first Chancellor of a united Germany in 1871? ", - "correct_answer": "Otto Von Bismark", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kaiser Wilhelm ", - "Fredrick the 2nd", - "Robert Koch" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Out of the 3 Tots in Tots TV, who speaks French in the UK Version and Spanish in the US Version?", - "correct_answer": "Tilly", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tom", - "Tiny", - "None of the Above" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What mainly favored rifle is used by the Terrorists in Counter Strike: Global Offensive?", - "correct_answer": "AK-47", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "AK-74", - "M4A4", - "CZ-75 AUTO" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The protagonist's names in 'Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf', George and Martha, were derived from George Washington and his wife.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Carcassonne is based on which French town?", - "correct_answer": "Carcassonne", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Paris", - "Marseille", - "Clermont-Ferrand" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In golf, what name is given to a hole score of two under par?", - "correct_answer": "Eagle", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Birdie", - "Bogey", - "Albatross" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which character is from "Splatoon"?", - "correct_answer": "Marie", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cyrus", - "Palutena", - "Shulk" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Butters Stotch, Pip Pirrup, and Wendy Testaburger are all characters in which long running animated TV series?", - "correct_answer": "South Park", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Simpsons", - "Family Guy", - "Bob's Burgers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which country had an "Orange Revolution" between 2004 and 2005?", - "correct_answer": "Ukraine", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Belarus", - "Latvia", - "Lithuania" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What snowy mob was added in Minecraft 1.10?", - "correct_answer": "Polar bears", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Eskimos", - "Penguins", - "Walking TNT" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following Mesopotamian mythological figures was NOT a deity?", - "correct_answer": "Enkidu", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Enki", - "Enlil", - "Enkimdu" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it" is a quote from French philosopher Voltaire.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "If you planted the seeds of Quercus robur what would grow?", - "correct_answer": "Trees", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Flowers", - "Vegtables", - "Grains" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What Nationality is D.Va from Overwatch?", - "correct_answer": "Korean", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Japanese", - "Chinese", - "Vietnamese " - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "On which day did ARPANET suffer a 4 hour long network crash?", - "correct_answer": "October 27, 1980", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "November 21, 1969", - "October 29, 1969", - "December 9, 1991" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What event led to Liechenstein adding a crown to its flag?", - "correct_answer": "The 1936 Olympics", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Coronation of Prince Johann I Joseph in 1805", - "Charles VI's decree in 1719", - "Signing of the 1862 Constitution of Liechtenstein" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Gothenburg is the capital of Sweden.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who plays Alice in the Resident Evil movies?", - "correct_answer": "Milla Jovovich", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Madison Derpe", - "Milla Johnson", - "Kim Demp" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Overwatch," what is the hero McCree's full name?", - "correct_answer": "Jesse McCree", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jack "McCree" Morrison", - "Gabriel Reyes", - "Jamison "Deadeye" Fawkes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which souls game was not directed by Hidetaka Miyazaki?", - "correct_answer": "Dark Souls 2", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Demon Souls", - "Dark Souls", - "Dark Souls 3" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these anime have over 7,500 episodes?", - "correct_answer": "Sazae-san", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Naruto", - "One Piece", - "Chibi Maruko-chan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Rabbits are rodents.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The core of the Sun can reach which temperature?", - "correct_answer": "27° Million F (15° Million C)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "938,000° F (521093.3° C)", - "8° Billion F (°4.4 Billion C)", - "Absolute Zero (Both F and C)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which building was set aflame on August 24th, 1812?", - "correct_answer": "The White House", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Parliament Building", - "Grand National Assembly Building", - "Palace of the Nation" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following bands is Tom DeLonge not a part of?", - "correct_answer": "+44", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Box Car Racer", - "Blink-182", - "Angels & Airwaves" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the total length of the Titanic?", - "correct_answer": "882 ft | 268.8 m", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "759 ft | 231.3 m", - "1042 ft | 317.6 m", - "825 ft | 251.5 m" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the main CPU is the Sega Mega Drive / Sega Genesis?", - "correct_answer": "Motorola 68000", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Zilog Z80", - "Yamaha YM2612", - "Intel 8088" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the first Android version specifically optimized for tablets?", - "correct_answer": "Honeycomb", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Eclair", - "Froyo", - "Marshmellow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Laserjet and inkjet printers are both examples of what type of printer?", - "correct_answer": "Non-impact printer", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Impact printer", - "Daisywheel printer", - "Dot matrix printer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Team Fortress 2", what is the fastest taunt kill that can be pulled off?", - "correct_answer": "Showdown", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hadouken", - "Organ Grinder", - "Skewer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these characters won the Super Smash Bros. Fighter Ballot in 2015?", - "correct_answer": "Bayonetta", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cloud", - "Ryu", - "Megaman" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Before the American colonies switched to the Gregorian calendar in 1752, on what date did their new year start?", - "correct_answer": "March 25th", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "June 1st", - "September 25th", - "December 1st" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which car is NOT featured in "Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit 2"?", - "correct_answer": "Toyota MR2", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ford Crown Victoria", - "BMW Z8", - "McLaren F1" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When was the first official international game played?", - "correct_answer": "1872", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1880", - "1863", - "1865" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which English county will you find the University of East Anglia?", - "correct_answer": "Norfolk", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Suffolk", - "Essex", - "Cambridgeshire" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which 90's comedy cult classic features cameos appearances from Meat Loaf, Alice Cooper and Chris Farley?", - "correct_answer": "Wayne's World", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure", - "Dumb and Dumber", - "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In computing, what does LAN stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Local Area Network", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Long Antenna Node", - "Light Access Node", - "Land Address Navigation" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Norse god Odin has two pet crows named "Huginn" and "Muninn". What do their names mean?", - "correct_answer": "Thought & Memory", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Power & Peace", - "War & Learning", - "Sleeping & Waking" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the show "Dragonball Z", what is the name of Cell's most powerful attack?", - "correct_answer": "Solar Kamehameha", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Super Kamehameha", - "Cell Kamehameha", - "Android Kamehameha" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The pantheon in Rome was used to worship what god?", - "correct_answer": "Any god they wanted", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Athena", - "Zeus", - "Both Athena and Zeus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""The Genius" is the original and secondary name of which Wu-Tang Clan member?", - "correct_answer": "GZA", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ghostface Killah", - "Ol' Dirty Bastard", - "Raekwon the Chef" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following is NOT a passive electrical component?", - "correct_answer": "Transistor", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Resistor", - "Capacitor", - "Inductor" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of 2 Valve Games are set in the same universe?", - "correct_answer": "Half-life and Portal", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Portal and Left 4 Dead", - "Half-life and Left 4 Dead", - "Half-life and Counter Strike" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What language does Node.js use?", - "correct_answer": "JavaScript", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Java", - "Java Source", - "Joomla Source Code" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the video game "Postal 2", what is the name of Postal Dude's dog?", - "correct_answer": "Champ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Snoopy", - "Krotchy", - "Duke" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following movies was not based on a novel by Stephen King? ", - "correct_answer": "The Thing", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Carrie", - "Misery", - "The Green Mile" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which one of these was not a beach landing site in the Invasion of Normandy?", - "correct_answer": "Silver", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gold", - "Juno", - "Sword" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In which series of games do you collect souls to empower you and buy weaponry and armor with?", - "correct_answer": "Souls ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Final Fantasy ", - "Monster Hunter", - "The Legend of Zelda" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which actress's real name was Frances Ethel Gumm?", - "correct_answer": "Judy Garland", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Doris Day", - "Julie Andrews", - "Marilyn Monroe" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these is a type of monster found in Minecraft?", - "correct_answer": "Skeleton", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Werewolf", - "Vampire", - "Minotaur" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Coca-Cola's original colour was green.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Forza Motorsport 6, which of these track-exclusive cars was NOT featured in the game, either originally with the game or added as DLC?", - "correct_answer": "Aston Martin Vulcan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ferrari FXX-K", - "McLaren P1 GTR", - "Lotus E23" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of Finnish DJ Darude's hit single released in October 1999?", - "correct_answer": "Sandstorm", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dust Devil", - "Sirocco", - "Khamsin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "To bypass US Munitions Export Laws, the creator of the PGP published all the source code in book form. ", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the US Navy spy ship which was attacked and captured by North Korean forces in 1968?", - "correct_answer": "USS Pueblo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "USS North Carolina", - "USS Constitution", - "USS Indianapolis" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Shakugan no Shana" what was the Shana usually referred as?", - "correct_answer": "Flame-Haired Burning-Eyed Hunter", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Flame Haze", - "Flame-Haired Burning-Eyed Haze", - "Shana" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Terraria, which of the following items does the Martian Saucer mini-boss NOT drop?", - "correct_answer": "Drill Containment Unit", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Anti-Gravity Hook", - "Influx Waver", - "Cosmic Car Key" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which is the largest freshwater lake in the world?", - "correct_answer": "Lake Superior ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Caspian Sea", - "Lake Michigan", - "Lake Huron" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The anime Attack on Titan was directed by Tetsur\u014d Araki, the same person who directed the anime Highschool of the Dead.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a possible drink to be made in the game "VA-11 HALL-A: Cyberpunk Bartender Action"?", - "correct_answer": "Sour Appletini", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fringe Weaver", - "Piano Man", - "Bad Touch" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which one of these songs did the group "Men At Work" NOT make?", - "correct_answer": "Safety Dance", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Down Under", - "Who Can It Be Now?", - "It's a Mistake" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How long did it take the motorized window washers of the original World Trade Center to clean the entire exterior of the building?", - "correct_answer": "1 Month", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "3 Weeks", - "1 Week", - "2 Months" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the first movie to ever use a Wilhelm Scream?", - "correct_answer": "Distant Drums", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Treasure of the Sierra Madre", - "The Charge at Feather River", - "Indiana Jones" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who wrote the lyrics for Leonard Bernstein's 1957 Brodway musical West Side Story?", - "correct_answer": "Stephen Sondheim", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Himself", - "Oscar Hammerstein", - "Richard Rodgers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the movie "Scream" who is Ghost Face?", - "correct_answer": "Billy Loomis and Stu Macher", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dewey Riley", - "Sidney Prescott", - "Archie Prescott and Philip Marv" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who voices the main character Blu in the 2011 animated film "Rio"?", - "correct_answer": "Jesse Eisenberg", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Michael Cera", - "Jonah Hill", - "Zach Galifianakis" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Half-Life franchise, what is the real name of the "gravity gun"?", - "correct_answer": "Zero-Point Energy Field Manipulator", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Universal Gravity Manipulation Device", - "Isaac Newton's Theory Disprover", - "Quantum Energy Displacement Modifier" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the "Flash" and "Arrow" spinoff featuring a team of characters that have appeared on both shows?", - "correct_answer": "Legends of Tomorrow", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Heroes of Tomorrow", - "The Justice Society of America", - "The Justice Society" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Rocket League, you can play Basketball.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the unit of electrical resistance?", - "correct_answer": "Ohm", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mho", - "Tesla", - "Joule" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the callsign of Commander William Adama in Battlestar Galactica (2004)?", - "correct_answer": "Husker", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Starbuck", - "Apollo", - "Crashdown" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which animation studio animated "To Love-Ru"?", - "correct_answer": "Xebec", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Trigger", - "Sunrise", - "Kyoto Animation" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Magic: The Gathering, what was a tribute card to Jamie Wakefield's late wife Marilyn, who loved horses?", - "correct_answer": "Timbermare", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Loyal Pegasus", - "Vryn Wingmare", - "Sungrace Pegasus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Magic: The Gathering universe, which plane does the Homelands expansion take place in?", - "correct_answer": "Ulgrotha", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bant", - "Llanowar", - "Tazeem" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following games was NOT included in Valve's Orange Box?", - "correct_answer": "Counter-Strike", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Portal", - "Half-Life 2: Episode Two", - "Team Fortress 2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the first game in the "Battlefield" series?", - "correct_answer": "Battlefield 1942", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Battlefield Vietnam", - "Battlefield 2", - "Battlefield 1" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is credited with having created the world's first video game Easter Egg?", - "correct_answer": "Warren Robinett", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Julius Smith", - "Will Crowther", - "Don Woods" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these Johns was murdered by gunshots outside the Dakota in New York in 1980?", - "correct_answer": "John Lennon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Johnny Thunders", - "John Denver", - "John Cascella" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Korean War ended in 1953 without any ceasefire.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which member of the British pop group "The Spice Girls" was known as Ginger Spice?", - "correct_answer": "Geri Halliwell", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Melanie Brown", - "Emma Bunton", - "Victoria Beckham" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Pyrenees mountains are located on the border of which two countries?", - "correct_answer": "France and Spain", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Italy and Switzerland", - "Norway and Sweden", - "Russia and Ukraine" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Between 1973 to 1990, what country was ruled by dictator Augusto Pinochet?", - "correct_answer": "Chile", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ethiopia", - "Indonesia", - "Nicaragua" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which two modern-day countries used to be known as the region of Rhodesia between the 1890s and 1980?", - "correct_answer": "Zambia & Zimbabwe", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Togo & Benin", - "Lesotho & Swaziland", - "Rwanda & Burundi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Apollo mission was the first one to land on the Moon?", - "correct_answer": "Apollo 11", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Apollo 10", - "Apollo 9", - "Apollo 13" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following is NOT a quote from the 1942 film Casablanca? ", - "correct_answer": ""Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."", - "incorrect_answers": [ - ""Here's lookin' at you, kid."", - "“Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine…”", - ""Round up the usual suspects."" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following is not the name of a "Bond Girl"? ", - "correct_answer": "Vanessa Kensington", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pam Bouvier", - "Mary Goodnight", - "Wai Lin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Harvard architecture for micro-controllers added which additional bus?", - "correct_answer": "Instruction", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Address", - "Data", - "Control" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When was the first Call of Duty title released?", - "correct_answer": "October 29, 2003", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "December 1, 2003", - "November 14, 2002", - "July 18, 2004" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the TV show "Rick and Morty", Rick uses the catchphrase "Wubba Lubba Dub Dub", which means what in Birdperson?", - "correct_answer": "I am in great pain, please help me.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "I pray that my life ends soon.", - "Lets get this party started!", - "I am suffering, please help me." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these teams isn't a member of the NHL's "Original Six" era?", - "correct_answer": "Philadelphia Flyers", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "New York Rangers", - "Toronto Maple Leafs", - "Boston Bruins" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which 'Family Guy' character got his own spin-off show in 2009?", - "correct_answer": "Cleveland Brown", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Glenn Quagmire", - "Joe Swanson", - "The Greased-up Deaf Guy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many sovereign states are members of the United Nations?", - "correct_answer": "195", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "201", - "153", - "178" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The very first recorded computer "bug" was a moth found inside a Harvard Mark II computer.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Au on the Periodic Table refers to which element?", - "correct_answer": "Gold", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Silver", - "Oxygen", - "Nickel" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the anime series "Full Metal Alchemist", what do Alchemists consider the greatest taboo?", - "correct_answer": "Human Transmutation ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Transmuting Lead Into Gold", - "Using Alchemy For Crime ", - "Preforming Without A Permit" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which football player is featured on the international cover version of the video game FIFA 16?", - "correct_answer": "Lionel Messi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cristiano Ronaldo", - "Wayne Rooney", - "David Beckham" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which Death Grips album is the only one to feature a band member?", - "correct_answer": "No Love Deep Web", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bottomless Pit", - "The Money Store", - "The Powers That B" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the default alias that Princess Garnet goes by in Final Fantasy IX?", - "correct_answer": "Dagger", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dirk", - "Garnet", - "Quina" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who was the author of the 1954 novel, "Lord of the Flies"?", - "correct_answer": "William Golding", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Stephen King", - "F. Scott Fitzgerald", - "Hunter Fox" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "DHCP stands for Dynamic Host Configuration Port.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many total monsters appear in Monster Hunter Generations?", - "correct_answer": "105", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "100", - "98", - "73" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The French word for "glass" is "glace".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following United States Presidents served the shortest term in office?", - "correct_answer": "William Henry Harrison", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Zachary Taylor", - "James A. Garfield", - "Warren G. Harding" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many sides does a heptagon have?", - "correct_answer": "7", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "8", - "6", - "5" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The character Momonga from the "Overlord" series orders his servants to call him by what name?", - "correct_answer": "Ainz Ooal Gown", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Master", - "Yggdrasil", - "Kugane Maruyama" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the browser game Kantai Collection heavily inspired by?", - "correct_answer": "Second World War", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Manga", - "World of Warcraft", - "An Anime" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of following is rude and dishonorable by Klingon standards?", - "correct_answer": "Taking his D'k tahg", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Insulting and laughing at him at the dinner table", - "Reaching over and taking his meal", - "Punching him and taking his ship station position" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What does the International System of Quantities refer 1024 bytes as?", - "correct_answer": "Kibibyte", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kylobyte", - "Kilobyte", - "Kelobyte" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What year was Min Yoongi from South Korea boy band "BTS" born in?", - "correct_answer": "1993", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1992", - "1995", - "1994" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the name of the hip hop group Kanye West was a member of in the late 90s?", - "correct_answer": "The Go-Getters", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Jumpers", - "The Kickstarters", - "The Beat-Busters" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What military rank is the protagonist "Nomad" in "Crysis"?", - "correct_answer": "First Lieutenant", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Captain", - "First Sargent ", - "Staff Sargent" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the lead singer of the Smashing Pumpkins?", - "correct_answer": "Billy Corgan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Brett Scallions", - "Eddie Vedder", - "Chino Moreno" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which 1994 film did Roger Ebert famously despise, saying "I hated hated hated hated hated this movie".", - "correct_answer": "North", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "3 Ninjas Kick Back", - "The Santa Clause", - "Richie Rich" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Metallica collaborated with Rowan Atkinson's Mr Bean on a 1992 comic relief single.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Fallout: New Vegas, which one of these casinos can you not play in?", - "correct_answer": "Lucky 38", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Tops", - "Gammorah", - "Ultra-Luxe" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which greek god/goddess tossed a golden apple with the words "for the fairest" into the middle of the feast of the gods?", - "correct_answer": "Eris", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hades", - "Ares", - "Artemis" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Abolitionist John Brown raided the arsenal in which Virginia Town?", - "correct_answer": "Harper's Ferry", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Richmond", - "Harrisonburg", - "Martinsburg" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following Zelda games did not feature Ganon as a final boss?", - "correct_answer": "Majora's Mask", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ocarina of Time", - "Skyward Sword", - "Breath of the Wild" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is not a song on the album Graduation by Kanye West?", - "correct_answer": "Waves", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "I Wonder", - "Big Brother", - "The Glory" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which country is featured in Ace Combat 5: The Unsung War?", - "correct_answer": "Osea", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Aurelia", - "Australia", - "Japan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "John Moses Browning, the designer of the M1918 BAR (Browning Automatic Rifle) was a part of which religion?", - "correct_answer": "Mormon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Catholic", - "Jewish", - "Atheist" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the main villain of Kirby's Return to Dreamland?", - "correct_answer": "Magolor", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Landia", - "King Dedede", - "Queen Sectonia " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which unlockable character in Super Smash Bros. For Wii U and 3DS does not have to be fought to be unlocked?", - "correct_answer": "Mii Fighters", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ness", - "R.O.B.", - "Mewtwo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the first American Vampire (Scott Snyder's American Vampire)?", - "correct_answer": "Skinner Sweet", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hattie Hargrove", - "Pearl Jones", - "James "Jim" Book" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the atomic mass of Carbon?", - "correct_answer": "12", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "14", - "16", - "10" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Peter Molyneux was the founder of Bullfrog Productions.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What event marked the start of World War II?", - "correct_answer": "Invasion of Poland (1939)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Invasion of Russia (1942)", - "Battle of Britain (1940)", - "Invasion of Normandy (1944)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "English new wave musician Gary Numan founded the video game development company Facepunch Studios in March 2009.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The vapor produced by e-cigarettes is actually water.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In baseball, how many fouls are an out?", - "correct_answer": "0", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "5", - "3", - "2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following language families is the most controversial amongst modern linguists?", - "correct_answer": "Altaic", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sino-Tibetan", - "Dravidian", - "Indo-European" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "This Greek goddess's name was chosen for the dwarf planet responsible for discord on Pluto's classification amongst astronomers.", - "correct_answer": "Eris", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Charon", - "Ceres", - "Dysnomia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these Bojack Horseman characters is a human?", - "correct_answer": "Todd Chavez", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lennie Turtletaub", - "Princess Carolyn", - "Tom Jumbo-Grumbo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The historical city Timbuktu is located in which West African country?", - "correct_answer": "Mali", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Senegal", - "Niger", - "Burkina Faso" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "If you could fold a piece of paper in half 50 times, its' thickness will be 3/4th the distance from the Earth to the Sun.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Kissing someone for one minute burns about 2 calories.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In vanilla Minecraft, which of the following cannot be made into a block?", - "correct_answer": "Charcoal", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Coal", - "Wheat", - "String" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The greek god Poseidon was the god of what?", - "correct_answer": "The Sea", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "War", - "Sun", - "Fire" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What direction does the Statue of Liberty face?", - "correct_answer": "Southeast", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Southwest", - "Northwest", - "Northeast" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following Grand Slam tennis tournaments occurs LAST?", - "correct_answer": "US Open", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "French Open", - "Wimbledon", - "Australian Open" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""PAYDAY: The Heist" is a sequel to the board game "Payday".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the capital of Spain?", - "correct_answer": "Madrid", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Barcelona", - "Sevilla", - "Toledo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What video game engine does the videogame Quake 2 run in?", - "correct_answer": "iD Tech 2", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "iD Tech 3", - "iD Tech 1", - "Unreal Engine" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Aoi Miyamori is the production manager of what anime in "Shirobako"?", - "correct_answer": "The Third Aerial Girls Squad", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Exodus!", - "Andes Chucky", - "Angel Beats!" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which year was Constantinople conquered by the Turks?", - "correct_answer": "1453", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1435", - "1454", - "1440" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following countries was the first to send an object into space?", - "correct_answer": "Germany", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "USA", - "Russia", - "China" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the unit of electrical inductance?", - "correct_answer": "Henry", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Weber", - "Coulomb", - "Mho" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The "To Love-Ru" Manga was started in what year?", - "correct_answer": "2006", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2007", - "2004", - "2005" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who directed the movie "Alien"?", - "correct_answer": "Ridley Scott", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Christopher Nolan", - "Michael Bay", - "James Cameron" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which school in Surrey, England did Steve Backshall attend?", - "correct_answer": "Collingwood College", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tomlinscote School", - "Kings International College", - "Lyndhurst School" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Iron Maiden album did the song "Dream of Mirrors" feature in?", - "correct_answer": "Brave New World", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dance of Death", - "A Matter of Life and Death", - "Somewhere in Time" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the last colony the UK ceded marking the end of the British Empire?", - "correct_answer": "Hong Kong", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "India", - "Australia", - "Ireland" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "An equilateral triangle always has every angle measuring 60°.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was walking like an Egyptian in 1981?", - "correct_answer": "The Bangles", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "R.E.M.", - "The Ocean Blue", - "The Connells" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "A pasodoble is a type of Italian pasta sauce.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How does the character Dragowizard, Qinus Axia's from the anime "Buddyfight" differ between the Japanese and English dubs?", - "correct_answer": "Different Gender", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Different Body Proportions", - "Different Backstory", - "Different Appearance" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following Physicists aided Nazi Germany in their production of a nuclear weapon?", - "correct_answer": "Werner Heisenberg", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "John von Neumann", - "Albert Einstein", - "Max Planck" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following is not the host of a program on NPR?", - "correct_answer": "Ben Shapiro", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Terry Gross", - "Ira Glass", - "Peter Sagal" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many types of quarks are there in the standard model of physics?", - "correct_answer": "6", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2", - "3", - "4" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The formerly East-Prussian city of Königsberg is known as which Russian City today?", - "correct_answer": "Kaliningrad", - 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"type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Mario series, which game introduced Mario's Backflip ability?", - "correct_answer": "Donkey Kong (Gameboy)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Super Mario 64", - "Super Mario 3D Land", - "Super Mario Galaxy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Talos, the mythical giant bronze man, was the protector of which island?", - "correct_answer": "Crete", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sardinia", - "Sicily", - "Cyprus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is Batman?", - "correct_answer": "Bruce Wayne", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Clark Kent", - "Barry Allen", - "Tony Stark" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In a standard set of playing cards, which is the only king without a moustache?", - "correct_answer": "Hearts", - 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"incorrect_answers": [ - "Nitrogen", - "Oxygen", - "Hydrogen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Cashmere is the wool from which kind of animal?", - "correct_answer": "Goat", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sheep", - "Camel", - "Llama" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which singer was featured in Swedish producer Avicii's song "Wake Me Up"?", - "correct_answer": "Aloe Blacc", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "John Legend", - "CeeLo Green", - "Pharrell Williams" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When was "YouTube" founded?", - "correct_answer": "February 14, 2005", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "May 22, 2004", - "September 12, 2005", - "July 19, 2009" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which was the first video game to be produced by development company Rare?", - "correct_answer": "Slalom", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "R.C. Pro-Am", - "Donkey Kong Country", - "Battletoads" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is a "dakimakura"?", - "correct_answer": "A body pillow", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A Chinese meal, essentially composed of fish", - "A yoga posture", - "A word used to describe two people who truly love each other" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "While Apple was formed in California, in which western state was Microsoft founded?", - "correct_answer": "New Mexico", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Washington", - "Colorado", - "Arizona" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the first Disney movie to use CGI?", - "correct_answer": "The Black Cauldron", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tron", - "Toy Story", - "Fantasia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these "Worms" games featured 3D gameplay?", - "correct_answer": "Worms 4: Mayhem", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Worms W.M.D", - "Worms Reloaded", - "Worms: Open Warfare 2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many known living species of hyenas are there?", - "correct_answer": "4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "8", - "2", - "6" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What did the Spanish autonomous community of Catalonia ban in 2010, that took effect in 2012?", - "correct_answer": "Bullfighting", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fiestas", - "Flamenco", - "Mariachi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the game "Overwatch," which quote does the hero "McCree" NOT say upon using his flashbang ability?", - "correct_answer": ""You done?"", - "incorrect_answers": [ - ""Whoa there."", - ""Hold up now."", - ""Don't move."" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The fourth funnel of the RMS Titanic was fake designed to make the ship look more powerful and symmetrical.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What Greek letter is used to signify summation?", - "correct_answer": "Sigma", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Delta", - "Alpha", - "Omega" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the television show Breaking Bad, what is the street name of Walter and Jesse's notorious product?", - "correct_answer": "Blue Sky", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Baby Blue", - "Rock Candy", - "Pure Glass" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which figure from Greek mythology traveled to the underworld to return his wife Eurydice to the land of the living?", - "correct_answer": "Orpheus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hercules", - "Perseus", - "Daedalus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year was the movie "Police Academy" released?", - "correct_answer": "1984", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1986", - "1985", - "1983" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following is NOT a god in Norse Mythology.", - "correct_answer": "Jens", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Loki", - "Tyr", - "Snotra" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Martin Luther King Jr. and Anne Frank were born the same year. ", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Mass Effect trilogy, who is the main protagonist?", - "correct_answer": "Shepard", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mordin", - "Garrus", - "Thane" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which town is the setting for the Disney movie The Love Bug (1968)?", - "correct_answer": "San Francisco", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Los Angeles", - "Sacramento", - "San Jose" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When Batman trolls the online chat rooms, what alias does he use?", - "correct_answer": "JonDoe297", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "iAmBatman", - "BWayne13", - "BW1129" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these words means "idle spectator"?", - "correct_answer": "Gongoozler", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gossypiboma", - "Jentacular", - "Meupareunia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was the Grand Patriotic War in the USSR concluded?", - "correct_answer": "May 9th, 1945", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "September 2nd, 1945", - "August 9th, 1945", - "December 11th, 1945" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Chino Moreno is the lead singer of which alternative metal band?", - "correct_answer": "Deftones", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tool", - "Korn", - "Type O Negative" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these Movies was NOT released in 1996?", - "correct_answer": "Gladiator", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Independence Day", - "The Rock", - "Mission: Impossible" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the 1968 Cartoon Show "Wacky Races" what was the name of cavemen duo who rode in The Boulder Mobile?", - "correct_answer": "The Slag Brothers", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Slate Brothers", - "The Rock Brothers", - "The Stone Brothers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Snagglepuss was part of the Yogi Yahooies in the 1977 show Scooby's All-Star Laff-a-Lympics.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In which state of America was the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air born and raised in?", - "correct_answer": "Pennsylvania", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Florida", - "California", - "New Jersey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What Touhou Project character's first ever appearance was as a midboss in the eighth game, Imperishable Night?", - "correct_answer": "Tewi Inaba", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mystia Lorelei", - "Kaguya Houraisan", - "Rumia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which game won the "Games for Impact" award in The Game Awards 2015?", - "correct_answer": "Life is Strange", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ori and the Blind Forest", - "Rocket League", - "Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following is not a megadiverse country - one that harbors a high number of the earth's endemic species?", - "correct_answer": "Thailand", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Peru", - "Mexico", - "South Africa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the half-demon character in Divinity: Original Sin 2 who you talk to to transition between acts?", - "correct_answer": "Malady", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Meister Siva", - "Gawin", - "Exter" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The game "Jetpack Joyride" was created by "Redbrick Studios".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Terraria, which debuff does the ankh charm not provide immunity to?", - "correct_answer": "Venom", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cursed", - "Bleeding", - "Slow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which movie released in 2016 features Superman and Batman fighting?", - "correct_answer": "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Batman v Superman: Superapocalypse", - "Batman v Superman: Black of Knight", - "Batman v Superman: Knightfall" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many counties in the Republic of Ireland.", - "correct_answer": "26", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "32", - "28", - "30" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "San Marino is the only country completely surrounded by another country.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "By what nickname is Jack Dawkins known in the Charles Dickens novel, 'Oliver Twist'?", - "correct_answer": "The Artful Dodger", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fagin", - "Bull’s-eye", - "Mr. Fang" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the orange and white bot's name in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens"?", - "correct_answer": "BB-8", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "BB-3", - "AA-A", - "R2-D2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "It was once believed that injecting shark cartilage into people would prevent them from contracting cancer.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Big the Cat is a playable character in "Sonic Generations".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the main character in the VHS tape included in the board game Nightmare?", - "correct_answer": "The Gatekeeper", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Kryptkeeper", - "The Monster", - "The Nightmare" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many kilobytes in one gigabyte (in decimal)?", - "correct_answer": "1000000", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1024", - "1000", - "1048576" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "According to Greek Mythology, Zeus can control lightning.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the founder of Team Fortress 2's fictional company "Mann Co"?", - "correct_answer": "Zepheniah Mann", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cave Johnson", - "Wallace Breem", - "Saxton Hale" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Deus Ex (2000) does not feature the World Trade Center because it was destroyed by terrorist attacks according to the game's plot.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In what city in the dystopia alternate future of Half-Life 2 do you first start in?", - "correct_answer": "City 17", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "City 18", - "City 6", - "City 45" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who was the first president of the United States?", - "correct_answer": "George Washington", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "James Madison", - "Thomas Jefferson", - "James K. Polk" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who voice acted the character Hiccup in the movie "How to Train Your Dragon"?", - "correct_answer": "Jay Baruchel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jack Brauchel", - "John Powell", - "Gerard Butler" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Shakespeare's play Julius Caesar, Caesar's last words were...", - "correct_answer": "Et tu, Brute? ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Iacta alea est!", - "Vidi, vini, vici.", - "Aegri somnia vana." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which was the first M-rated video game developed by Squaresoft/Square Enix?", - "correct_answer": "Parasite Eve", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Final Fantasy VIII", - "Front Mission", - "Vagrant Story" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Overwatch character says the line "Heroes never die!"?", - "correct_answer": "Mercy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Reaper", - "Sonic", - "Ana" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the periodic table, Potassium's symbol is the letter K.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the title of the game "Luigi's Mansion", what is the only letter to not appear with a pair of eyes in it?", - "correct_answer": "s", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "n", - "i", - "m" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Terraria, what does the Wall of Flesh not drop upon defeat?", - "correct_answer": "Picksaw", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pwnhammer", - "Breaker Blade", - "Laser Rifle" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which data structure does FILO apply to?", - "correct_answer": "Stack", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Queue", - "Heap", - "Tree" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What does the term GPU stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Graphics Processing Unit", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gaming Processor Unit", - "Graphite Producing Unit", - "Graphical Proprietary Unit" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following has Jennifer Taylor NOT voiced?", - "correct_answer": "Sarah Kerrigan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Princess Peach", - "Zoey", - "Cortana" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which British writer wrote for both Doctor Who and Sherlock?", - "correct_answer": "Steven Moffatt", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Phil Ford", - "Russell T Davies", - "Toby Whithouse" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Hunter x Hunter", what are members in Killua's family known for being?", - "correct_answer": "Assassins", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bandits", - "Hunters", - "Ninjas" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many unique items does "Borderlands 2" claim to have?", - "correct_answer": "87 Bazillion ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "87 Million", - "87 Trillion", - "87 Gazillion " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the colossal titan in "Attack On Titan"?", - "correct_answer": "Bertolt Hoover", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Reiner", - "Eren", - "Sasha" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following was not an actor/actress on the American television show "Saturday Night Live" in Season 42?", - "correct_answer": "Tina Fey", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mikey Day", - "Kate McKinnon", - "Sasheer Zamata" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which actress portrayed Dr. Grace Augustine in the James Cameron movie "Avatar"?", - "correct_answer": "Sigourney Weaver", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jessica Chastain", - "Melissa Beckett", - "Alyssa Monroe " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "You can square root a negative number with an imaginary number "i".", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the name of Sonic the Hedgehog's original human girlfriend?", - "correct_answer": "Madonna", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Celeste", - "Sierra", - "Nina" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In board games, an additional or ammended rule that applies to a certain group or place is informally known as a "what" rule?", - "correct_answer": "House", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Custom", - "Extra", - "Change" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What Nickelodeon game show featured a house on the set that the contestants would ransack to find hidden objects?", - "correct_answer": "Finders Keepers", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Double Dare", - "Nickelodeon Guts", - "Nick Arcade" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The painting "The Starry Night" by Vincent van Gogh was part of which art movement?", - "correct_answer": "Post-Impressionism", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Romanticism", - "Neoclassical", - "Impressionism" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who assassinated President James A. Garfield?", - "correct_answer": "Charles Guiteau", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sirhan Sirhan", - "Leon Czolgosz", - "John Wilkes Booth" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""Neutral Milk Hotel" is a real band.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who painted the epic mural Guernica?", - "correct_answer": "Pablo Picasso", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Francisco Goya", - "Leonardo da Vinci", - "Henri Matisse" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Wendy O. Koopa appeared in the Super Mario DIC Cartoons, but what was she known as?", - "correct_answer": "Kootie Pie", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sweetie Pie", - "Wendy Pie", - "Honey Pie" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "From the Meme Culture, which Mario game immerged "Weegee"?", - "correct_answer": "Mario is Missing! MS-DOS Version ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mario is Missing! SNES Version", - "Mario is Missing! NES Version", - "Mario is Missing! MSX Version" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What does "hippopotamus" mean and in what langauge?", - "correct_answer": "River Horse (Greek)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "River Horse (Latin)", - "Fat Pig (Greek)", - "Fat Pig (Latin)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Greenland is covered with grass and Iceland covered with ice.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "All of the following countries have official claims to territory in Antartica EXCEPT:", - "correct_answer": "United States", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Australia", - "Chile", - "Norway" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Madonna's song "Hung Up" includes a piece from which popular 70s song?", - "correct_answer": "Gimmie! Gimmie! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Staying Alive", - "Night Fever", - "The Chain" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Red Vines is a brand of what type of candy?", - "correct_answer": "Licorice", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lollipop", - "Chocolate", - "Bubblegum" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the British term for a 64th note?", - "correct_answer": "Hemidemisemiquaver", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Semihemidemisemiquaver", - "Semiquaver", - "Demisemiquaver" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following buildings is example of a structure primarily built in the Art Deco architectural style?", - "correct_answer": "Niagara Mohawk Building", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Taipei 101", - "One Detroit Center", - "Westendstrasse 1" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Italian automobile manufacturer gained majority control of U.S. automobile manufacturer Chrysler in 2011?", - "correct_answer": "Fiat", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Maserati", - "Alfa Romeo", - "Ferrari" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Angry Video Game Nerd's alter ego is "Board James".", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The full English name of the car manufacturer BMW is Bavarian Motor Works", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How long was the World Record Speed Run of Valve Software's "Half-Life" that was done in 2014.", - "correct_answer": "20 Minutes, 41 Seconds", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "45 Minutes, 32 Seconds", - "5 Minutes, 50 Seconds", - "12 Minutes, 59 Seconds" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When you cry in space, your tears stick to your face.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which year was the album "Floral Shoppe" by Macintosh Plus released?", - "correct_answer": "2011", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2014", - "2013", - "2012" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In what year was Garry's Mod released as a standalone title on Valve's Steam distribution service?", - "correct_answer": "2006", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2007", - "2004", - "2003" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the 1995 film "Balto", who are Steele's accomplices?", - "correct_answer": "Kaltag, Nikki, and Star", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dusty, Kirby, and Ralph", - "Nuk, Yak, and Sumac", - "Jenna, Sylvie, and Dixie" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is centralism?", - "correct_answer": " Concentration of power and authority in a central organization.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Conforming to one single common political agenda.", - "Remaining politically neutral.", - "The grey area in the spectrum of political left and right." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The heavy metal band Black Sabbath hail from which English city?", - "correct_answer": "Birmingham", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Manchester", - "London", - "Newcastle-Upon-Tyne" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the island that "Jurassic Park" is built on?", - "correct_answer": "Isla Nublar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Isla Sorna", - "Isla Muerta", - "Isla Pena" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Several characters in "Super Mario 64" blink their eyes, including Mario himself.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Black Lagoon", what colour is Rock's tie?", - "correct_answer": "Teal", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Crimson", - "Dark Brown", - "Black" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the Halo series, which era of SPARTAN is Master Chief? ", - "correct_answer": "SPARTAN-II", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "SPARTAN-I", - "SPARTAN-III", - "SPARTAN-IV" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What are Sans and Papyrus named after in "Undertale"?", - "correct_answer": "Fonts", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Plants", - "Companies", - "Ancient writing paper" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "By definition, where does an abyssopelagic animal live?", - "correct_answer": "At the bottom of the ocean", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "In the desert", - "On top of a mountain", - "Inside a tree" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which U.S. President was in office when the Gulf War began?", - "correct_answer": "George H. W. Bush", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Richard Nixon", - "George W. Bush ", - "Ronald Regan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "There is an island in Japan called \u014ckunoshima, A.K.A. "Rabbit Island", so named because of it's huge population of rabbits.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The 1985 Toyota Corolla "AE86" was the hero car for what anime? ", - "correct_answer": "Initial D", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wangan Midnight", - "Ghost MF", - "Ex Driver" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who was the Director of the 1988 Anime film "Grave of the Fireflies"?", - "correct_answer": "Isao Takahata", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hayao Miyazaki", - "Satoshi Kon", - "Sunao Katabuchi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who is a minor god that is protector and creator of various arts, such as cheese making and bee keeping.", - "correct_answer": "Aristaeus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Autonoe", - "Carme", - "Cephisso" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the date of original airing of the pilot episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic?", - "correct_answer": "October 10th, 2010", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "November 6th, 2010", - "April 14th, 1984", - "May 18th, 2015" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the show 'Doctor Who', what is the name of the time-capsule model stolen by 'the Doctor'?", - "correct_answer": "TT Type 40, Mark 3 (TARDIS)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "TT Type 1, Mark 3 (TARDIS)", - "TT Type 40, Mark 5 (TARDIS)", - "TT Type 1, Mark 5 (TARDIS)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the birth name of Michael Caine?", - "correct_answer": "Maurice Micklewhite", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Morris Coleman", - "Carl Myers", - "Martin Michaels" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The 1996 film 'Fargo' is primarily set in which US state?", - "correct_answer": "Minnesota", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "North Dakota", - "South Dakota", - "Wisconsin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who wrote and directed the animated movie "Spirited Away" (2001)?", - "correct_answer": "Hayao Miyazaki", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Isao Takahata", - "Mamoru Hosoda", - "Hidetaka Miyazaki" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the irrational fear of long words.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Principality of Sealand is an unrecognized micronation off the coast of what country?", - "correct_answer": "The United Kingdom", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Japan", - "Austrailia", - "Argentina" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who directed the movies "Pulp Fiction", "Reservoir Dogs" and "Django Unchained"?", - "correct_answer": "Quentin Tarantino", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Martin Scorcese", - "Steven Spielberg", - "James Cameron" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the 40th President of the USA?", - "correct_answer": "Ronald Reagan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jimmy Carter", - "Bill Clinton", - "Richard Nixon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the Roman numeral for 500?", - "correct_answer": "D", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "L", - "C", - "X" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which essential condiment is also known as Japanese horseradish?", - "correct_answer": "Wasabi ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mentsuyu", - "Karashi", - "Ponzu" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following Ivy League universities has its official motto in Hebrew as well as in Latin?", - "correct_answer": "Yale University", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Princeton University", - "Harvard University", - "Columbia University" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Type 1 diabetes is a result of the liver working improperly.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "RAM stands for Random Access Memory.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In most FPS video games such as Counter-Strike, shooting which part of the body does the highest damage?", - "correct_answer": "Head", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Arm", - "Leg", - "Chest" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Guy's Grocery Games is hosted by which presenter?", - "correct_answer": "Guy Fieri", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Guy Martin", - "Guy Ritchie", - "Ainsley Harriott" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following superheros did Wonder Woman NOT have a love interest in?", - "correct_answer": "Green Arrow", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Superman", - "Batman", - "Steve Trevor" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Monster Hunter Generations, which of the following monsters are a part of the "Fated Four"?", - "correct_answer": "Astalos", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gore Magala", - "Malfestio", - "Arzuros" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""The Division Bell" is the final album of the progressive rock band Pink Floyd.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following games in the Anno series introduced the "Eco Balance" gameplay mechanic?", - "correct_answer": "Anno 2070", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Anno 1404", - "Anno 2205", - " Anno 1701" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which team won 2014 FIFA World Cup in Brazil?", - "correct_answer": "Germany", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Argentina", - "Brazil", - "Netherlands" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the Greek god of blacksmiths?", - "correct_answer": "Hephaestus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dyntos", - "Vulcan", - "Artagatus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Chess, the Queen has the combined movement of which two pieces?", - "correct_answer": "Bishop and Rook", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rook and King", - "Knight and Bishop", - "King and Knight" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "According to Overwatch's lore, who was once a member of the Deadlock Gang?", - "correct_answer": "McCree", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Roadhog", - "Soldier 76", - "Junkrat" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Lego Island trilogy, who taught Pepper Roni how to read?", - "correct_answer": "Officer Laura Brick", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Papa Brickolini", - "Officer Nick Brick", - "Mama Brickolini" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following Copy Abilities was only featured in "Kirby & The Amazing Mirror"?", - "correct_answer": "Mini", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Magic", - "Smash", - "Missile" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of Nissan's most popular electric car?", - "correct_answer": "Leaf", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tree", - "Deer", - "Roots" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When did Tame Impala release their second album?", - "correct_answer": "2012", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2015", - "2010", - "1967" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The main objective of the German operation "Case Blue" during World War II was originally to capture what?", - "correct_answer": "Caucasus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Stalingrad", - "Crimea", - "Voronezh" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the fifth largest country by area?", - "correct_answer": "Brazil", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "United States", - "Australia", - "India" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Little Women", which of the March sisters married Laurie?", - "correct_answer": "Amy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Beth", - "Jo", - "Meg" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What machine element is located in the center of fidget spinners?", - "correct_answer": "Bearings", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Axles", - "Gears", - "Belts" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which actor plays the character "Tommy Jarvis" in "Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter" (1984)?", - "correct_answer": "Corey Feldman", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Macaulay Culkin", - "Mel Gibson", - "Mark Hamill" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the "S.T.A.L.K.E.R." series, the Freedom faction wishes to destroy the supernatural area known as "the Zone".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Blue Danube was one of the musical pieces featured in Disney's 1940's film Fantasia.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "A plant that has a life cycle for more than a year is known as an annual.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many premier league trophies did Sir Alex Ferguson win during his time at Manchester United?", - "correct_answer": "13", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "11", - "20", - "22" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The '64' in the Nintendo-64 console refers to what?", - "correct_answer": "The bits in the CPU architecture", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The number of megabytes of RAM", - "Capacity of the ROM Cartridges in megabytes", - "Clock speed of the CPU in Hertz" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Team Fortress 2 canon, what did Shakespearicles NOT invent?", - "correct_answer": "Stairs", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Two-Story Building", - "Rocket Launcher", - "Stage Play" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which kind of algorithm is Ron Rivest not famous for creating?", - "correct_answer": "Secret sharing scheme", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hashing algorithm", - "Asymmetric encryption", - "Stream cipher" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who starred as Bruce Wayne and Batman in Tim Burton's 1989 movie "Batman"?", - "correct_answer": "Michael Keaton", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "George Clooney", - "Val Kilmer", - "Adam West" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "King Henry VIII was the second monarch of which European royal house?", - "correct_answer": "Tudor", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "York", - "Stuart", - "Lancaster" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Just Cause 2 was mainly set in what fictional Southeast Asian island country?", - "correct_answer": "Panau", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Davao", - "Macau", - "Palau" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What does GHz stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Gigahertz", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gigahotz", - "Gigahetz", - "Gigahatz" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who made Garry's Mod?", - "correct_answer": "Garry Newman", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Randy Newman", - "Facepunch Studios", - "Gabe Newell" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The proof for the Chinese Remainder Theorem used in Number Theory was NOT developed by its first publisher, Sun Tzu.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the scientific name of the knee cap?", - "correct_answer": "Patella", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Femur", - "Foramen Magnum", - "Scapula" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "EDM record label Monstercat is based in which country?", - "correct_answer": "Canada", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "United States", - "Australia", - "United Kingdom" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Anatomy considers the forms of macroscopic structures such as organs and organ systems.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is Gabe Newell's favorite class in Team Fortress 2?", - "correct_answer": "Spy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Heavy", - "Medic", - "Pyro" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the game "Overwatch," what are the names of the two Australian criminals from the Junkers faction?", - "correct_answer": "Junkrat and Roadhog", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Roadrat and Junkhog", - "Ana and Pharah", - "McCree and Deadeye" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the scientific name of the Budgerigar?", - "correct_answer": "Melopsittacus undulatus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nymphicus hollandicus", - "Pyrrhura molinae", - "Ara macao" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When was Adolf Hitler appointed as Chancellor of Germany?", - "correct_answer": "January 30, 1933", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "September 1, 1939", - "February 27, 1933", - "October 6, 1939" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these names was an actual codename for a cancelled Microsoft project?", - "correct_answer": "Neptune", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Enceladus", - "Pollux", - "Saturn" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Fallout 4" which faction is not present in the game?", - "correct_answer": "The Enclave", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Minutemen", - "The Brotherhood of Steel", - "The Institute" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the main protagonist of Dead Space?", - "correct_answer": "Isaac Clarke", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Commander Shepard", - "Gordon Freeman", - "Master Chief" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Toronto is the capital city of the North American country of Canada.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which band released songs suchs as "Rio", "Girls on Film", and "The Reflex"?", - "correct_answer": "Duran Duran", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Cure", - "New Order", - "Depeche Mode" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which element has the highest melting point?", - "correct_answer": "Carbon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tungsten", - "Platinum", - "Osmium" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the main character from the music video of "Shelter" by Porter Robinson and A-1 Studios?", - "correct_answer": "Rin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rem", - "Ren", - "Ram" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Roger Federer is a famous soccer player.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the game Danganronpa: Happy Trigger Havoc, the character Aoi Asahina's ultimate ability is what?", - "correct_answer": "Ultimate Swimmer", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ultimate Detective", - "Ultimate Gambler", - "Ultimate Dancer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Deuterium is an isotope of which element?", - "correct_answer": "Hydrogen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nitrogen", - "Helium", - "Neon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Battle of Hastings was fought in which year?", - "correct_answer": "1066", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "911", - "1204", - "1420" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who was the first prime minister of Canada?", - "correct_answer": "John Macdonald", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "John Abbott", - "Alexander Mackenzie", - "Robert Borden" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ".at is the top-level domain for what country?", - "correct_answer": "Austria", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Argentina", - "Australia", - "Angola" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these games was NOT a Nintendo Switch launch title in the United States? ", - "correct_answer": "Voez", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Just Dance 2017", - "Snipperclips", - "Fast RMX" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many values can a single byte represent?", - "correct_answer": "256", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "8", - "1", - "1024" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which band released the album "Sonic Highways" in 2014?", - "correct_answer": "Foo Fighters", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Coldplay", - "Nickelback", - "The Flaming Lips" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Virtual reality company Oculus VR lost which of it's co-founders in a freak car accident in 2013?", - "correct_answer": "Andrew Scott Reisse", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nate Mitchell", - "Jack McCauley", - "Palmer Luckey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The dish Fugu, is made from what family of fish?", - "correct_answer": "Pufferfish", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bass", - "Salmon", - "Mackerel" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Khajiit are a race of cat-like creatures from which epic series of role-playing games, set across the land of Tamriel?", - "correct_answer": "The Elder Scrolls", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lord of the Rings", - "The Witcher", - "Neverwinter Nights" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Where does the original Friday The 13th movie take place?", - "correct_answer": "Camp Crystal Lake", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Packanack", - "Higgins Haven", - "Camp Forest Green" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who directed the Kill Bill movies?", - "correct_answer": "Quentin Tarantino", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Arnold Schwarzenegger", - "David Lean", - "Stanley Kubrick" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What name is the main character Chihiro given in the 2001 movie "Spirited Away"?", - "correct_answer": "Sen (Thousand)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hyaku (Hundred)", - "Ichiman (Ten thousand)", - "Juu (Ten)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What are the first names of the first father and son pair that were both Prime Ministers of Canada?", - "correct_answer": "Justin and Pierre", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "John and Louis", - "Brian and Justin", - "Brian and Pierre" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the guitarist in the band "The Doors"?", - "correct_answer": "Robby Krieger", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Eric Clapton", - "John Densmore", - "Jimi Hendrix" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the official language of Brazil?", - "correct_answer": "Portugese", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Brazilian", - "Spanish", - "English" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "League of Legends, DOTA 2, Smite and Heroes of the Storm are all part of which game genre?", - "correct_answer": "Multiplayer Online Battle Arena (MOBA)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Real Time Strategy (RTS)", - "First Person Shooter (FPS)", - "Role Playing Game (RPG)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the code name for the "Nintendo Gamecube"?", - "correct_answer": "Dolphin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nitro", - "Revolution", - "Atlantis" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which is the chemical name of H2O?", - "correct_answer": "Dihydrogen Monoxide", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ammonium chloride", - "Anhydrous Sodium Carbonate", - "Manganese dioxide" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the game "Melty Blood Actress Again Current Code", you can enter Blood Heat mode in Half Moon style.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is isobutylphenylpropanoic acid more commonly known as?", - "correct_answer": "Ibuprofen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Morphine", - "Ketamine", - "Aspirin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Gibraltar, located just south of the Iberian peninsula, is a territory of which West Europe country?", - "correct_answer": "United Kingdom", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Spain", - "Portugal", - "France" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these Counter-Strike maps is a bomb defuse scenario?", - "correct_answer": "Prodigy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "747", - "Havana", - "Oilrig" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What animal is featured on the cover of English electronic music group The Prodigy's album, "The Fat of the Land"?", - "correct_answer": "Crab", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fox", - "Elephant", - "Tiger" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When did the Battle of the Somme begin?", - "correct_answer": "July 1st, 1916", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "August 1st, 1916", - "July 2nd, 1916", - "June 30th, 1916" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Game Boy from the Game Boy series of portable video game consoles was released first?", - "correct_answer": "Game Boy Color", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Game Boy Advance", - "Game Boy Micro", - "Game Boy Advance SP" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many differently shaped Tetris pieces are there?", - "correct_answer": "7", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "5", - "6", - "8" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In WarioWare: Smooth Moves, which one of these is NOT a Form?", - "correct_answer": "The Hotshot", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Discard", - "The Elephant", - "The Mohawk" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The first version of Blockland came out in which year?", - "correct_answer": "2004", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2007", - "2008", - "2006" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the name of the game created by Masahiro Sakurai and Satoru Iwata that would eventually evolve into "Super Smash Bros."?", - "correct_answer": "Dragon King: The Fighting Game", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nintendo Legends: Fight!", - "Martial Arts: King of the Hill", - "Aerial Warriors: Supreme Battle" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What North American tourist attraction is served by the "Maid of the Mist" tour company?", - "correct_answer": "Niagara Falls", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Whistler, British Columbia", - "Disney World", - "Yosemite National Park" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the name of the actor who played Leatherface in the 1974 horror film, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?", - "correct_answer": "Gunnar Hansen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Edwin Neal", - "John Dugan", - "Joe Bill Hogan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year was McDonald's founded?", - "correct_answer": "1955", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1964", - "1951", - "1947" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which famous New York Yankees outfielder did Marilyn Monroe marry?", - "correct_answer": "Joe DiMaggio", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tino Martinez", - "Babe Ruth", - "Mason Williams" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What model was the sports car gifted to Yuri Gagarin by the French government in 1965?", - "correct_answer": "Matra Djet", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Porsche 911", - "Alpine A110", - "AC Cobra" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The State of Queensland, Australia voted NO to a referendum for daylight savings in 1992.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year does Part 7 of "JoJo's Bizarre Adventure" take place in?", - "correct_answer": "1890", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1888", - "1999", - "2003" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which monster in "Monster Hunter Tri" was causing earthquakes in Moga Village?", - "correct_answer": "Ceadeus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Alatreon", - "Rathalos", - "Lagiacrus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When did the British hand-over sovereignty of Hong Kong back to China?", - "correct_answer": "1997", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1999", - "1841", - "1900" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is rapper Drake's real name?", - "correct_answer": "Aubrey Graham", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shaun Carter", - "Dwayne Carter", - "Andre Young" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the main currency in Club Penguin?", - "correct_answer": "Coins", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Stamps", - "Tickets", - "Gems" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In which mall does "Dead Rising" take place?", - "correct_answer": "Willamette Parkview Mall", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Liberty Mall", - "Twin Pines Mall", - "Central Square Shopping Center" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following countries has a flag featuring a yellow lion wielding a sword on a dark red background?", - "correct_answer": "Sri Lanka", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kiribati", - "Scotland", - "Bhutan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following is the longest river in Europe?", - "correct_answer": "Volga", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Danube", - "Ural", - "Dnieper" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the novel 1984, written by George Orwell, what is the name of the totalitarian regime that controls Oceania?", - "correct_answer": "INGSOC", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Neo-Bolshevism", - "Obliteration of the Self", - "Earth Alliance" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What song is played during the ending credits of Guitar Hero: World Tour?", - "correct_answer": "Dream Theater - Pull Me Under", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "King Crimson - 21st Century Schizoid Man", - "Dragonforce - Through The Fire & The Flames", - "Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which sci-fi cult films plot concerns aliens attempting to prevent humans from creating a doomsday weapon?", - "correct_answer": "Plan 9 from Outer Space", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Man from Planet X", - "It Came from Outer Space", - "The Day The Earth Stood Still" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is Hypernatremia?", - "correct_answer": "Increase in blood sodium", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Decrease in blood potassium", - "Increase in blood glucose", - "Decrease in blood iron" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What airline was the owner of the plane that crashed off the coast of Nova Scotia in 1998?", - "correct_answer": "Swiss Air", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Air France", - "British Airways", - "TWA" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The ancient Roman god of war was commonly known as which of the following?", - "correct_answer": "Mars", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jupiter", - "Juno", - "Ares" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the main antagonist in the Portal franchise?", - "correct_answer": "GLaDOS", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chell", - "Wheatley", - "Rick" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many legs is it biologically impossible for a centipede to have?", - "correct_answer": "100", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "26", - "50", - "74" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many studio albums have the duo Daft Punk released?", - "correct_answer": "4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1", - "5", - "2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?", - "correct_answer": "24 MPH", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "15 MPH", - "20 MPH", - "200 MPH" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What amount of bits commonly equals one byte?", - "correct_answer": "8", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1", - "2", - "64" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Hippocampus is the Latin name for which marine creature?", - "correct_answer": "Seahorse", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dolphin", - "Whale", - "Octopus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following African countries was most successful in resisting colonization?", - "correct_answer": "Ethiopia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Côte d’Ivoire", - "Congo", - "Namibia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Faust is a playable character in "Guilty Gear Xrd Revelator".", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the Pixar film, "Toy Story" what was the name of the child who owned the toys?", - "correct_answer": "Andy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Edward", - "Danny", - "Matt" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Left 4 Dead, what is the name of the Special Infected that is unplayable in Versus mode?", - "correct_answer": "The Witch", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Tank", - "The Smoker", - "The Spitter" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the game Paper Mario for the Nintendo 64 the first partner you meet is a Goomba, what is its name?", - "correct_answer": "Goombario", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Goombella", - "Goombarry", - "Goomby" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year did the Boxing Day earthquake & tsunami occur in the Indian Ocean?", - "correct_answer": "2004", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2006", - "2008", - "2002" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the real name of the Albanian national leader Skanderbeg?", - "correct_answer": "Gjergj Kastrioti", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Diturak Zhulati", - "Iskander Bejko", - "Mirash Krasniki" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Greek Mythology, who killed Achilles?", - "correct_answer": "Paris", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hector", - "Helen", - "Pericles" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the anime Assassination Classroom what is the class that Korosensei teaches?", - "correct_answer": "Class 3-E", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Class 3-A", - "Class 3-B", - "Class 3-D" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these characters was NOT planned to be playable for Super Smash Bros. 64?", - "correct_answer": "Peach", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bowser", - "Mewtwo", - "King Dedede" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which historical conflict killed the most people?", - "correct_answer": "World War II", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Taiping Rebellion", - "Three Kingdoms War", - "Mongol conquests" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which year did the first Monster Hunter game get released?", - "correct_answer": "2004", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2006", - "2005", - "2002" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Klingon home planet is Qo'noS.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which RAID array type is associated with data mirroring?", - "correct_answer": "RAID 1", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "RAID 0", - "RAID 10", - "RAID 5" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The weapon Clint Eastwood uses in "Dirty Harry" was a .44 Automag.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which ones of these Mario Kart games was made for the Gameboy Advance?", - "correct_answer": "Mario Kart: Super Circuit", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mario Kart: Double Dash", - "Mario Kart 64", - "Super Mario Kart" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Call Of Duty: Zombies", what is the name of Samantha Maxis' dog?", - "correct_answer": "Fluffy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Baxter", - "Fido", - "Henry" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Hanna-Barbera cartoon character travelled with a canine companion named Beegle Beagle?", - "correct_answer": "Grape Ape", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Boss Gator", - "Wally Gator", - "Yogi Bear" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the "Star Wars" universe, what species is Grand Admiral Thrawn?", - "correct_answer": "Chiss", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gungans", - "Pantorans", - "Twi'lek" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the DC Comics 2016 reboot, Rebirth, which speedster escaped from the Speed Force after he had been erased from existance?", - "correct_answer": "Wally West", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Johnny Quick", - "Jay Garrick", - "Eobard Thawne" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which programming language shares its name with an island in Indonesia?", - "correct_answer": "Java", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Python", - "C", - "Jakarta" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Earl Grey tea is black tea flavoured with what?", - "correct_answer": "Bergamot oil", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lavender", - "Vanilla", - "Honey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Where did the pineapple plant originate?", - "correct_answer": "South America", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hawaii", - "Europe", - "Asia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the development code name for the "Weatherlight" expansion for "Magic: The Gathering", released in 1997?", - "correct_answer": "Mocha Latte", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Decaf", - "Frappuccino", - "Macchiato" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Venus of Willendorf is one of the earliest works of art, depicting the planets Mars and Venus embrace in the heavens at night.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name for a male bee that comes from an unfertilized egg?", - "correct_answer": "Drone", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Soldier", - "Worker", - "Male" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "PUBATTLEGROUNDS" what is the name of the Military Base island?", - "correct_answer": "Sosnovka", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Novorepnoye", - "Mylta", - "Yasnaya" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the cognitive bias wherein a person with low ability in a particular skill mistake themselves as being superior?", - "correct_answer": "Dunning-Kruger effect", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Meyers-Briggs effect", - "Müller-Lyer effect", - "Freud-Hall effect" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following is used to measure blood pressure?", - "correct_answer": "Sphygmomanometer", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Barometer", - "Ruler", - "Haemoerythrometer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How old was Muhammad Ali when he died?", - "correct_answer": "74", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "61", - "He's still alive", - "56" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Where are Terror Fiends more commonly found in the Nintendo game Miitopia?", - "correct_answer": "New Lumos", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Peculia", - "The Sky Scraper", - "Otherworld" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these covert groups employs Sam Fisher to work as a Splinter Cell?", - "correct_answer": "Third Echelon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Voron", - "Black Arrow", - "The Engineers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Star Wars, what's the name of the new Government created after the defeat of the Galactic Empire?", - "correct_answer": "The New Republic", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Rebel Alliance", - "The Crimson Dawn", - "The First Order" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "A group of islands is called an 'archipelago'.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The K\u0101k\u0101p\u014d is a large, flightless, nocturnal parrot native to which country?", - "correct_answer": "New Zealand", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "South Africa", - "Australia", - "Madagascar" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The M41 Walker Bulldog remains in service in some countries to this day.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many Star Spirits do you rescue in the Nintendo 64 video game "Paper Mario"?", - "correct_answer": "7", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "5", - "10", - "12" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the world's first video game console?", - "correct_answer": "Magnavox Odyssey", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Coleco Telstar", - "Nintendo Color TV Game", - "Atari 2600" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a Disney cartoon character?", - "correct_answer": "Daffy Duck", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Donald Duck", - "Daisy Duck", - "Scrooge McDuck" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Jaguar Cars was previously owned by which car manfacturer?", - "correct_answer": "Ford", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chrysler", - "General Motors", - "Fiat" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Sonic the Hedgehog 3" for the Sega Genesis, what is the color of the second Chaos Emerald you can get from Special Stages?", - "correct_answer": "Orange", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Blue", - "Green", - "Magenta" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the destination of the missing flight MH370?", - "correct_answer": "Beijing", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kuala Lumpur", - "Singapore", - "Tokyo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many countries are larger than Australia?", - "correct_answer": "5", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "4", - "3", - "6" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What UK Train does NOT go over 125MPH?", - "correct_answer": "Sprinter", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Class 43", - "Javelin", - "Pendolino" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The communication protocol NFC stands for Near-Field Control.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What does the acronym CDN stand for in terms of networking?", - "correct_answer": "Content Delivery Network", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Content Distribution Network", - "Computational Data Network", - "Compressed Data Network" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Portal 2, how did CEO of Aperture Science, Cave Johnson, presumably die?", - "correct_answer": "Moon Rock Poisoning", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Accidentally sending a portal to the Moon", - "Slipped in the shower", - "Asbestos Poisoning" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Sun rises from the North.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was another suggested name for, the 1985 film, Back to the Future?", - "correct_answer": "Spaceman From Pluto", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hill Valley Time Travelers", - "The Time Travelers", - "The Lucky Man" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which one is NOT the function of engine oil in car engines?", - "correct_answer": "Combustion", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lubrication", - "Cooling", - "Reduce corrosion" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The capital of the US State Ohio is the city of Chillicothe.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Game of Thrones, what is Littlefinger's real name?", - "correct_answer": "Petyr Baelish", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Podrick Payne", - "Lancel Lannister", - "Torrhen Karstark" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is Brian May's guitar called?", - "correct_answer": "Red Special", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Blue Special", - "Green Special", - "Yellow Special" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is Canada's smallest province?", - "correct_answer": "Prince Edward Island", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "New Brunswick", - "Nova Scotia", - "Yukon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of the song by Beyoncé and Alejandro Fernández released in 2007?", - "correct_answer": "Amor Gitano", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "La ultima vez", - "Rocket", - "Hasta Dondes Estes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was the game "Roblox" released?", - "correct_answer": "2006", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2003", - "2002", - "2007" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What type of cheese, loved by Wallace and Gromit, had it's sale prices rise after their successful short films?", - "correct_answer": "Wensleydale", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cheddar", - "Moon Cheese", - "Edam" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the winner of the 2016 WWE Royal Rumble?", - "correct_answer": "Triple H", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Roman Reigns", - "AJ Styles", - "Dean Ambrose" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the "Harry Potter" novels, what must a Hogwarts student do to enter the Ravenclaw Common Room?", - "correct_answer": "Answer a riddle", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rhythmically tap barrels with a wand", - "Speak a password", - "Knock in sequence" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Star Trek", what is the Ferengi's First Rule of Acquisition?", - "correct_answer": "Once you have their money, you never give it back. ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Never place friendship above profit", - "Greed is Eternal", - "Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the "Archie" comics, who was Jughead's first girlfriend?", - "correct_answer": "Joani", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ethel", - "Debbi", - "Margret" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the "Ace Attorney" series, who was the truly responsible of the forging of the autopsy report of the pivotal IS-7 incident?", - "correct_answer": "Bansai Ichiyanagi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Manfred Von Karma", - "Gregory Edgeworth", - "Tateyuki Shigaraki" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Before "Jurassic Park III" was finalized and the Spinosaurus was chosen, which dinosaur was going to be the star?", - "correct_answer": "Baryonyx", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tyrannosaurus Rex", - "Velociraptor", - "Suchomimus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The sum of any two odd integers is odd.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In ancient Greece, if your job were a "hippeus" which of these would you own?", - "correct_answer": "Horse", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Weave", - "Guitar", - "Boat" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Formula 1 driver switched teams in the middle of the 2017 season?", - "correct_answer": "Carlos Sainz Jr.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Daniil Kvyat", - "Jolyon Palmer", - "Rio Haryanto" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Divinity: Original Sin II, what is the name of the skeletal origin character?", - "correct_answer": "Fane", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lohse", - "The Red Prince", - "There are no skeletal origin characters" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Nazi General was known as the "Desert Fox"?", - "correct_answer": "Erwin Rommel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gerd von Rundstadt", - "Wilhelm Keitel", - "Heinz Guderian " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Greenland is a part of which kingdom?", - "correct_answer": "Denmark", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sweden", - "Norway", - "United Kingdom" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the song “The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny,” who is the only one to survive the battle?", - "correct_answer": "Mr. Rogers", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Batman", - "Chuck Norris", - "Godzilla" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many books are in the Chronicles of Narnia series?", - "correct_answer": "7", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "6", - "8", - "5" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who discovered Penicillin?", - "correct_answer": "Alexander Flemming", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Marie Curie", - "Alfred Nobel", - "Louis Pasteur" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Great Wall of China is visible from the moon.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Spitfire L.F. Mk IX had what engine?", - "correct_answer": "Merlin 66", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Griffon 65", - "Merlin 50", - "Merlin X" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these features was added in the 1994 game "Heretic" that the original "DOOM" could not add due to limitations?", - "correct_answer": "Looking up and down", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Increased room sizes", - "Unlimited weapons", - "Highly-detailed textures" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following is NOT an official game in Nintendo's Super Smash Bros. series?", - "correct_answer": "Super Smash Bros. Crusade", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Super Smash Bros. Melee", - "Super Smash Bros. Brawl", - "Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 3DS and Wii U" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Japanese district Akihabara is also known by what nickname?", - "correct_answer": "Electric Town", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Moon Walk River", - "Otaku Central ", - "Big Eyes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Minecraft can be played with a virtual reality headset.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many zombies need to be killed to get the "Zombie Genocider" achievement in Dead Rising (2006)?", - "correct_answer": "53,594", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "53,593", - "53,595", - "53,596" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the Half-Life series, Gordon Freeman's signature weapon is a:", - "correct_answer": "Crowbar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sledgehammer", - "Fiber Wire", - "Katana" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a game under the Worms series?", - "correct_answer": "Major Malfunction", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Crazy Golf", - "Clan Wars", - "Ultimate Mayhem" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the leader of Team Valor in Pokémon Go?", - "correct_answer": "Candela", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Willow", - "Blanche", - "Spark" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In an orchestra, what is the lowest member of the brass family?", - "correct_answer": "Tuba", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Trombone", - "Contrabass", - "Bassoon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What do the letters in the GMT time zone stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Greenwich Mean Time", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Global Meridian Time", - "General Median Time", - "Glasgow Man Time" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who in Pulp Fiction says "No, they got the metric system there, they wouldn't know what the fuck a Quarter Pounder is."", - "correct_answer": "Vincent Vega", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jules Winnfield", - "Jimmie Dimmick", - "Butch Coolidge" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In what year was the first "Mass Effect" game released?", - "correct_answer": "2007", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2008", - "2009", - "2010" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "An exothermic reaction is a chemical reaction that releases energy by radiating electricity.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "California is larger than Japan.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who wrote the song "You Know You Like It"?", - "correct_answer": "AlunaGeorge", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "DJ Snake", - "Steve Aoki", - "Major Lazer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which one of these cartoon characters is NOT voiced by Rob Paulsen?", - "correct_answer": "Max Tennyson (Ben 10)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Carl Wheezer (Jimmy Neutron)", - "Yakko Warner (Animaniacs)", - "The Mask (The Mask, TV Series)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which classical composer wrote the "Moonlight Sonata"?", - "correct_answer": "Ludvig Van Beethoven", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chief Keef", - "Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart", - "Johannes Brahms" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was Nickelodeon's original name?", - "correct_answer": "Pinwheel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "MTVKids", - "KidsTV", - "Splat!" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Sugar contains fat.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many paint and pastel versions of "The Scream" is Norwegian painter Edvard Munch believed to have produced?", - "correct_answer": "4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1", - "3", - "2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the code name for the German invasion of the Soviet Union in WW2?", - "correct_answer": "Operation Barbarossa", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Operation Kaiserschlact", - "Operation Unthinkable", - "Operation Molotov" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Alps are a mountain range on which continent?", - "correct_answer": "Europe", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "North America", - "Asia", - "Africa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Bridgetown is the capital of which island country in the Carribean?", - "correct_answer": "Barbados", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cuba", - "Jamaica‎", - "Dominica" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "According to the RIAA: Which artist has sold the most albums by the million?", - "correct_answer": "The Beatles", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Elvis Presley", - "Michael Jackson", - "Pink Floyd" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which boxer was banned for taking a bite out of Evander Holyfield's ear in 1997?", - "correct_answer": "Mike Tyson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Roy Jones Jr.", - "Evander Holyfield", - "Lennox Lewis" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How old is Chloe Price in Life is Strange: Before the Storm?", - "correct_answer": "16", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "24", - "19", - "15" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Nintendo started out as a playing card manufacturer.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who had a US and UK number 1 hit in 1962 with the instrumental, 'Telstar'?", - "correct_answer": "The Tornados", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Ventures", - "The Spotnicks", - "The Tremeloes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "An octopus can fit through any hole larger than its beak.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the primary lyricist for Canadian progressive rock band Rush?", - "correct_answer": "Neil Peart", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Geddy Lee", - "Alex Lifeson", - "John Rutsey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Mario Kart 64", Waluigi is a playable character.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "If soccer is called football in England, what is American football called in England?", - "correct_answer": "American football", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Combball", - "Handball", - "Touchdown" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Nvidia's headquarters are based in which Silicon Valley city?", - "correct_answer": "Santa Clara", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Palo Alto", - "Cupertino", - "Mountain View" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Ace Attorney trilogy was suppose to end with "Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney − Trials and Tribulations" as its final game.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Sonic the Hedgehog 2" for the Sega Genesis, what do you input in the sound test screen to access the secret level select?", - "correct_answer": "The Lead Programmer's birthday", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The first release date of "Sonic the Hedgehog"", - "The date Sonic Team was founded", - "The first release date of "Sonic the Hedgehog 2"" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Avatar: The Last Airbender", which element does Aang begin to learn after being defrosted?", - "correct_answer": "Water", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Air", - "Earth", - "Fire" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When was the SS or Schutzstaffel established?", - "correct_answer": "April 4th, 1925", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "September 1st, 1941", - "March 8th, 1935", - "February 21st, 1926" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Left 4 Dead, what is the name of the virus, as designated by CEDA, that causes most humans to turn into the Infected?", - "correct_answer": "Green Flu", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Yellow Fever", - "T-Virus", - "Raspberry Sniffles" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Russia passed a law in 2013 which outlaws telling children that homosexuals exist.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which Variable Valve Timing technology is used by BMW?", - "correct_answer": "VANOS", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "VVT-iw", - "VVEL", - "MultiAir" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch is located on which Welsh island?", - "correct_answer": "Anglesey", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Barry", - "Bardsey", - "Caldey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the cause of Marilyn Monroes suicide?", - "correct_answer": "Drug Overdose", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Knife Attack", - "House Fire", - "Gunshot" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the peninsula containing Spain and Portugal?", - "correct_answer": "Iberian Peninsula", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "European Peninsula", - "Peloponnesian Peninsula", - "Scandinavian Peninsula" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is not the name of a city in the Grand Theft Auto series?", - "correct_answer": "San Andreas", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "San Fierro", - "Las Venturas", - "Vice City" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the 1999 movie Fight Club, which of these is not a rule of the "fight club"?", - "correct_answer": "Always wear a shirt", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "You do not talk about FIGHT CLUB", - "Only two guys to a fight", - "Fights will go on as long as they have to" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the TV Show "Donkey Kong Country", which episode did the song "Eddie, Let Me Go Back To My Home" play in?", - "correct_answer": "It's a Wonderful Life", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Message In A Bottle Show", - "To The Moon Baboon", - "Ape-Nesia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which Audi does not use Haldex based all wheel drive system?", - "correct_answer": "Audi A8", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Audi TT", - "Audi S3", - "Audi A3" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the creature that the main character befriends in "The Last Guardian"?", - "correct_answer": "Trico", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nico", - "Wolf", - "Andazi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Electronic artists Boys Noize and Skrillex have collaborated and released tracks under what name?", - "correct_answer": "Dog Blood", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jack Ü", - "What So Not", - "Noisia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Some of the "Fallen Empires" cards from "Magic: The Gathering" were misprinted on the backs of which other card game?", - "correct_answer": "Wyvern", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pokemon", - "Dominion", - "Yu-Gi-Oh" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the capital of South Korea?", - "correct_answer": "Seoul", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pyongyang", - "Taegu", - "Kitakyushu" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the "Hitman" series, what is the name of the main character?", - "correct_answer": "Agent 47", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Agent 27", - "Agent Smith", - "Agent 67" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which one of these is NOT an official map in Counter-Strike: Global Offensive?", - "correct_answer": "de_season", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "de_sugarcane", - "de_canals", - "de_militia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "'74–'75 is a 1993 single from the album Ring by what American band?", - "correct_answer": "The Connells", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "R.E.M.", - "The Ocean Blue", - "The Bangles" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many strings are there on a cello?", - "correct_answer": "4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "5", - "6", - "8" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The longest shared border in the world can be found between which two nations?", - "correct_answer": "Canada and the United States", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chile and Argentina", - "Russia and China", - "India and Pakistan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When the Falcon Heavy was launched on it's test flight, what was the only part of the operation that failed?", - "correct_answer": "Center Core Landing", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Side Booster Landing", - "Deployment of Starman", - "Ignition and Liftoff" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who discovered the Law of Gravity?", - "correct_answer": "Sir Isaac Newton", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Galileo Galilei", - "Charles Darwin", - "Albert Einstein" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "According to their 1974 hit, what were Brownsville Station doing "In The Boys' Room"?", - "correct_answer": "Smokin'", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hangin'", - "Lovin'", - "Peein'" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the TV show 'M*A*S*H', what was the nickname of Corporal Walter O'Reilly?", - "correct_answer": "Radar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hawkeye", - "Hot Lips", - "Trapper" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the first explorer to sail to North America?", - "correct_answer": "Leif Erikson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Christopher Columbus", - "Amerigo Vespucci", - "Ferdinand Magellan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which Shakespeare play does the character Marcellus say, "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark"?", - "correct_answer": "Hamlet", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Macbeth", - "King Lear", - "Twelfth Night" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What does TIE stand for in reference to the TIE Fighter in "Star Wars"?", - "correct_answer": "Twin Ion Engine", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Twin Iron Engine", - "Twin Intercepter Engine", - "Twin Inception Engine" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the game Dark Souls, what is the name of the region you're in for the majority of the game?", - "correct_answer": "Lordran", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Drangleic", - "Oolacile", - "Catarina" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is not a real character in the cartoon series My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic?", - "correct_answer": "Rose Marene", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pinkie Pie", - "Maud Pie", - "Rainbow Dash" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Japanese god Izanagi successfully returned his wife Izanami from the Underworld.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Myopia is the scientific term for which condition?", - "correct_answer": "Shortsightedness", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Farsightedness", - "Double Vision", - "Clouded Vision" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "During the Spanish Civil War (1936), Francisco Franco fought for which political faction?", - "correct_answer": "Nationalist Spain", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Republican Spain", - "Popular Front", - "Papal State" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the name of the the first episode of Doctor Who to air in 1963?", - "correct_answer": "An Unearthly Child", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Daleks", - "The Aztecs", - "The Edge of Destruction" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "According to Greek Mythology, Atlas was an Olympian God.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Pokémon series, what is Palkia's hidden ability?", - "correct_answer": "Telepathy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pressure", - "Water Bubble", - "Hydration" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the name of the protagonist in the movie Commando (1985)?", - "correct_answer": "John Matrix", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ben Richards", - "Douglas Quaid", - "Harry Tasker" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "One of the Nintendo Entertainment System voice channels supports playback of sound samples. Which one?", - "correct_answer": "DMC", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Noise", - "Triangle", - "Square" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which famous singer was portrayed by actor Kevin Spacey in the 2004 biographical film "Beyond the Sea"?", - "correct_answer": "Bobby Darin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Louis Armstrong", - "Frank Sinatra", - "Dean Martin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What internet protocol was documented in RFC 1459?", - "correct_answer": "IRC", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "HTTP", - "HTTPS", - "FTP" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Kirby game first introduced Copy Abilities?", - "correct_answer": "Kirby's Adventure", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kirby Super Star", - "Kirby's Dream Land 2", - "Kirby's Dream Land" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "League of Legends", there exists four different types of Dragon.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Where did the British Boy Band "Bros" come from?", - "correct_answer": "Camberley", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Guildford", - "Aldershot", - "Bagshot" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Sonic the Hedgehog 2" originally was going to have a time travel system.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Need for Speed III: Hot Pursuit", what is the name of the fictional car?", - "correct_answer": "El Niño", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rápido", - "Ágil", - "La Niña" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which NBA player won Most Valuable Player for the 1999-2000 season?", - "correct_answer": "Shaquille O'Neal", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Allen Iverson", - "Kobe Bryant", - "Paul Pierce" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the opening track on Lorde's Pure Heroine?", - "correct_answer": "Tennis Court", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Team", - "Royals", - "400 Lux" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When was Marvel Comics founded?", - "correct_answer": "1939", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1932", - "1951", - "1936" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who wrote the Sinead O`Connor hit 'Nothing Compares 2 U'?", - "correct_answer": "Prince", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Michael Jackson", - "Cameo", - "Rick James" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which 1955 film does Frank Sinatra play Nathan Detroit?", - "correct_answer": "Guys and Dolls", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Anchors Aweigh", - "From Here to Eternity", - "High Society" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year was the famous 45 foot tall Hollywood sign first erected?", - "correct_answer": "1923", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1903", - "1913", - "1933" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Abel Magwitch is a character from which Charles Dickens novel?", - "correct_answer": "Great Expectations", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Pickwick Papers", - "Nicholas Nickleby", - "Oliver Twist" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What nationality was the surrealist painter Salvador Dali?", - "correct_answer": "Spanish", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Italian", - "French", - "Portuguese" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The collapse of the Soviet Union took place in which year?", - "correct_answer": "1991", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1992", - "1891", - "1990" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of the 2016 mixtape released by Venezuelan electronic producer Arca?", - "correct_answer": "Entrañas", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "&&&&&&", - "Sheep", - "Xen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the title of song on the main menu in Halo?", - "correct_answer": "Halo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Opening Suite", - "Shadows", - "Suite Autumn" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the protagonist's title given by the demons in DOOM (2016)?", - "correct_answer": "Doom Slayer", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Doom Guy", - "Doom Marine", - "Doom Reaper" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Under what pseudonym did Stephen King publish five novels between 1977 and 1984?", - "correct_answer": "Richard Bachman", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "J. D. Robb", - "Mark Twain", - "Lewis Carroll" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the romanized Japanese word for "university"?", - "correct_answer": "Daigaku", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Toshokan", - "Jimusho", - "Shokudou" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "One of the early prototypes of the Sega Dreamcast controller resembled which of the following?", - "correct_answer": "Television Remote", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tablet", - "Hairdryer", - "Flip Phone" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In 2010, Twitter and the United States Library of Congress partnered together to archive every tweet by American citizens.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What type of genre is the controversial 2015 game "Hatred"?", - "correct_answer": "Shoot 'Em Up", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Point & Click", - "MMORPG", - "Simulation" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The name of Junko Enoshima's imposter at the beginning of Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc is?", - "correct_answer": "Mukuro Ikusaba", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ryota Mitarai", - "Ultimate Imposter", - "Komaru Naegi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What play is the quote "Hell is other people" from?", - "correct_answer": "No Exit", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Devil and the Good Lord", - "The Condemned of Altona", - "The Flies" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the 1964 film "Zulu", what song does the British Army company sing before the final battle?", - "correct_answer": "Men of Harlech", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Scotland the Brave", - "Colonel Bogey March", - "The British Grenadiers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the anime Noragami who is one of the main protagonists?", - "correct_answer": "Yukine", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Karuha", - "Mineha", - "Mayu" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What do you declare in R\u012bchi Mahjong when you've drawn your winning tile?", - "correct_answer": "Tsumo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ron", - "R\u012bchi", - "Kan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "About how old is Earth?", - "correct_answer": "4.5 Billion Years", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "3.5 Billion Years", - "2.5 Billion Years", - "5.5 Billion Years" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Ellen McLain, the voice of GLaDOS in the Portal game series, is married to the voice actor for which Team Fortress 2 character?", - "correct_answer": "Sniper", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Heavy", - "Soldier", - "Scout" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The heroine of "Humanity Has Declined" is a mediator between humans and what?", - "correct_answer": "Fairies", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Elves", - "The Earth", - "Animals" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the capital city of Slovenia?", - "correct_answer": "Ljubljana", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Maribor", - "Velenje", - "Trbovlje" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "The Simpsons", what is the real name of "Comic Book Guy"?", - "correct_answer": "Jeff Albertson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Comic Book Guy", - "Edward Stone", - "Jack Richardson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": ""Exile" and "Revelations" were the third and fourth installments of which PC game series?", - "correct_answer": "Myst", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shivers", - "Doom", - "Tropico" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The medial meniscus forms which part of what joint in the human body?", - "correct_answer": "Knee", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Elbow", - "Ankle", - "Shoulder" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which boxer was famous for striking the gong in the introduction to J. Arthur Rank films?", - "correct_answer": "Bombardier Billy Wells", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Freddie Mills", - "Terry Spinks", - "Don Cockell" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the Linnean name of the domestic apple tree?", - "correct_answer": "Malus pumila", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Malus americana", - "Pomus domestica", - "Appelus delectica" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Franz Joseph I was the last emperor of Austria.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Shub-Niggurath is a creature that was created by \tJ. R. R. Tolkien in his novel "The Lord of The Rings".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who wrote the "A Song of Ice And Fire" fantasy novel series?", - "correct_answer": "George R. R. Martin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "George Lucas", - "George Orwell", - "George Eliot" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is Solid Snake's real name?", - "correct_answer": "David", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Solid Snake", - "John", - "Huey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which animated movie was first to feature a celebrity as a voice actor?", - "correct_answer": "Aladdin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Toy Story", - "James and the Giant Peach", - "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the mascot of SEGA before "Sonic the Hedgehog"?", - "correct_answer": "Alex Kidd", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Opa Opa", - "NiGHTS", - "Ristar" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the lead singer of Pearl Jam?", - "correct_answer": "Eddie Vedder", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ozzy Osbourne", - "Stone Gossard", - "Kurt Cobain" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of his six wives was Henry VIII married to the longest?", - "correct_answer": "Catherine of Aragon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Anne Boleyn", - "Jane Seymour", - "Catherine Parr" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who wrote the musical composition, "Rhapsody In Blue"?", - "correct_answer": "George Gershwin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Irving Berlin", - "Duke Ellington", - "Johnny Mandel" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Shrimp can swim backwards.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""Rollercoaster Tycoon" was programmed mostly entirely in...", - "correct_answer": "x86 Assembly", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "C++", - "C", - "ALGOL" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the Spanish word for "donkey"?", - "correct_answer": "Burro", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Caballo", - "Toro", - "Perro" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following is NOT a real element?", - "correct_answer": "Vitrainium", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Praseodymium", - "Hassium", - "Lutetium" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Breaking Bad, the initials W.W. refer to which of the following?", - "correct_answer": "Walter White", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "William Wolf", - "Willy Wonka", - "Wally Walrus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What does film maker Dan Bell typically focus his films on?", - "correct_answer": "Abandoned Buildings and Dead Malls", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Historic Landmarks", - "Action Films", - "Documentaries " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these is the name of a song by Tears for Fears?", - "correct_answer": "Shout", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Scream", - "Yell", - "Shriek" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What company develops the Rock Band series of rhythm games?", - "correct_answer": "Harmonix", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Activision", - "Konami", - "Electronic Arts" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Nation DID NOT have a Colony in Modern-day America?", - "correct_answer": "Portugal", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Spain", - "Sweden", - "Netherlands" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which character, in the game "Morenatsu", has the most possible endings to their route, at a total of four different endings?", - "correct_answer": "Shin Kuroi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kouya Aotsuki", - "Soutarou Touno", - "Torahiko Ooshima" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Elite Four member from the first generation of Pokémon became the champion in the next generation?", - "correct_answer": "Lance", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Agatha", - "Bruno", - "Lorelei" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the capital of British Columbia, Canada?", - "correct_answer": "Victoria", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vancouver", - "Hope", - "Kelowna" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the name of the protagonist of Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain?", - "correct_answer": "Punished "Venom" Snake", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Miller", - "Solid Snake", - "Ocelot" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Fallingwater House, located in Pennsylvania, was designed by which architect?", - "correct_answer": "Frank Lloyd Wright", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Antoni Gaudi", - "Frank Gehry", - "Le Corbusier" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following is NOT a work done by Shakespeare?", - "correct_answer": "Trial of Temperance", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Measure For Measure", - "Titus Andronicus", - "Cymbeline" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following songs did Elton John perform following Princess Diane's passing?", - "correct_answer": "Candles in the Wind", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues", - "Your Song", - "Island Girl" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In which year was League of Legends released?", - "correct_answer": "2009", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2010", - "2003", - "2001" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which animation studio animated "Psycho Pass"?", - "correct_answer": "Production I.G", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kyoto Animation", - "Shaft", - "Trigger" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Former president Theodore Roosevelt (1900-1908) ran for another term under the Progressive Party in 1912.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "You can tell the age of a ladybird by counting the spots on his back.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which Norse God has a horse named Sleipnir?", - "correct_answer": "Odin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Thor", - "Frigg", - "Balder" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Night in the Woods, which instrument did Casey play?", - "correct_answer": "Drums", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bass", - "Piano", - "Sax" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of the Boeing B-29 that dropped the 'Little Boy' atomic bomb on Hiroshima?", - "correct_answer": "Enola Gay", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Necessary Evil", - "The Great Artiste", - "Full House" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When was "Luigi's Mansion 3" released?", - "correct_answer": "October 31st, 2019", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "January 13th, 2019", - "September 6th, 2018", - "October 1st, 2019" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the character Kirby originally going to be named?", - "correct_answer": "Popopo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dedede", - "Waddle Dee", - "Prince Puff" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which animal features on the logo for Abarth, the motorsport division of Fiat?", - "correct_answer": "Scorpion", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Snake", - "Bull", - "Horse" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Named after a character he played in a 1969 film, what is the name of the ski resort in Utah that Robert Redford bought in 1968?", - "correct_answer": "Sundance", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Woodward", - "Turner", - "Booker" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Hippogriff, not to be confused with the Griffon, is a magical creature with the front half of an eagle, and the back half of what?", - "correct_answer": "A Horse", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A Dragon", - "A Tiger", - "A Lion" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Whose signature guitar technique is called the "windmill"?", - "correct_answer": "Pete Townshend", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jimmy Page", - "Eddie Van Halen", - "Jimi Hendrix" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What does the "G" mean in "G-Man"?", - "correct_answer": "Government", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Going", - "Ghost", - "Geronimo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The color orange is named after the fruit.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "You can legally drink alcohol while driving in Mississippi.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What Cartoon Network show aired its first episode on November 4th, 2013?", - "correct_answer": "Steven Universe", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Regular Show", - "Adventure Time", - "The Amazing World of Gumball" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the main protagonist in, the 1985 film, Back to the Future?", - "correct_answer": "Marty McFly", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Emmett "Doc" Brown", - "Biff Tannen", - "George McFly" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "A comet's gaseous envelope (which creates the tail) is called what?", - "correct_answer": "The coma", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The wake", - "The backwash", - "The ablative" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was Nintendo founded?", - "correct_answer": "September 23rd, 1889", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "October 19th, 1891", - "March 4th, 1887", - "December 27th, 1894" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "A Saxophone is a brass instrument.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The land mass of modern day Turkey is called what?", - "correct_answer": "Anatolia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ismuth of Ottoma", - "Ottoma", - "Ismuth of Anatolia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these in the Star Trek series is NOT Klingon food?", - "correct_answer": "Hors d'oeuvre", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Racht", - "Gagh", - "Bloodwine" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When was the top-down online RPG "Space Station 13" released?", - "correct_answer": "2003", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2000", - "2010", - "2006" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The musical "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" is set in what country?", - "correct_answer": "France", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "USA", - "Germany", - "Sweden" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In human biology, a circadium rhythm relates to a period of roughly how many hours?", - "correct_answer": "24", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "8", - "16", - "32" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of the alien species introduced in Shadow the Hedgehog (2005)?", - "correct_answer": "Black Arms", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Swarm", - "Black Hive", - "The Eclipse" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "If you are caught "Goldbricking", what are you doing wrong?", - "correct_answer": "Slacking", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Smoking", - "Stealing", - "Cheating" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these Nickelodeon game shows aired first?", - "correct_answer": "Double Dare", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nick Arcade", - "Finders Keepers", - "Nickelodeon Guts" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Touhou 12: Undefined Fantastic Object, which of these was not a playable character?", - "correct_answer": "Izayoi Sakuya", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hakurei Reimu", - "Kirisame Marisa", - "Kochiya Sanae" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What are the names of the two "Canon fan trolls" in "Homestuck"?", - "correct_answer": "Mierfa Durgas and Nektan Whelan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Wrycrown and Voksea Olkido", - "Aikter Frekik and Xagrai Ollomu", - "Grekei Ceknux and Riya Camacho" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Homestuck" the "Kingdom of Darkness" is also known as?", - "correct_answer": "Derse", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Skaia", - "Prospit", - "The Medium" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Grande Valse" is a phrase from the song "Gran Vals". What is that song segment known as?", - "correct_answer": "Nokia Tune", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hello Moto [Motorola Ringtone]", - "Droid Ringtone", - "Microsoft Ringtone" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Xenoblade Chronicles 2", Which party member cannot use normal blades?", - "correct_answer": "Tora", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rex", - "Zeke", - "Nia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The shotgun appears in every numbered Resident Evil game.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year did "The Big Bang Theory" debut on CBS?", - "correct_answer": "2007", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2008", - "2006", - "2009" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is Doug Walker's YouTube name?", - "correct_answer": "The Nostalgia Critic", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Angry Video Game Nerd", - "AngryJoeShow", - "The Cinema Snob" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What five letter word is the motto of the IBM Computer company?", - "correct_answer": "Think", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Click", - "Logic", - "Pixel" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "American rapper Dr. Dre actually has a Ph.D. doctorate.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What does the Prt Sc button do?", - "correct_answer": "Captures what's on the screen and copies it to your clipboard", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nothing", - "Saves a .png file of what's on the screen in your screenshots folder in photos", - "Closes all windows" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Brezhnev was the 5th leader of the USSR.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the original script of "The Matrix", the machines used humans as additional computing power instead of batteries.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these companies does NOT manufacture automobiles?", - "correct_answer": "Ducati", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nissan", - "GMC", - "Fiat" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Fallout 4, which type of power armor is first encountered in the early mission "When Freedom Calls" in a crashed Vertibird?", - "correct_answer": "T-45", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "T-51", - "T-60", - "X-01" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What port does HTTP run on?", - "correct_answer": "80", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "53", - "443", - "23" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the mnemonic device for remembering the fates of the wives of Henry VIII?", - "correct_answer": "Divorced, Beheaded, Died, Divorced, Beheaded, Survived", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Beheaded, Died, Divorced, Divorced, Beheaded, Survived", - "Died, Beheaded, Divorced, Beheaded, Survived, Divorced", - "Survived, Beheaded, Died, Divorced, Divorced, Beheaded" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which country has the abbreviation "CH"?", - "correct_answer": "Switzerland", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "China", - "Canada", - "No Country" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is not a default game mode in Counter-Strike (2000)?", - "correct_answer": "Arms Race", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hostage Rescue", - "Bomb Defusal", - "Assassination" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Pokémon, Bulbasaur is the only starter pokemon that is a Grass/Poison type.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Of the following space shooter games, which came out first?", - "correct_answer": "Space Invaders", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Galaxian", - "Galaga", - "Sinistar" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In what year did the first "The Walking Dead" comic come out?", - "correct_answer": "2003", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2001", - "2006", - "1999" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which team has won the most Stanley Cups in the NHL?", - "correct_answer": "Montreal Canadians", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chicago Blackhawks", - "Toronto Maple Leafs", - "Detroit Red Wings" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What animal takes part in Schrödinger's most famous thought experiment?", - "correct_answer": "Cat", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dog", - "Bat", - "Butterfly" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What former MOBA, created by Waystone Games and published by EA, was shut down in 2014?", - "correct_answer": "Dawngate", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Strife", - "League of Legends", - "Heroes of Newerth" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Lanky, Funky, and Chunky are all characters featured in which series owned by Nintendo?", - "correct_answer": "Donkey Kong", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mario", - "Kirby", - "Zelda" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Friday The 13th series, what is Jason's mother's first name?", - "correct_answer": "Pamela", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mary", - "Christine", - "Angeline" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What zodiac sign is represented by a pair of scales?", - "correct_answer": "Libra", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Aries", - "Capricorn", - "Sagittarius" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the 1969 Cartoon show "Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines", which were NOT one of the lyrics in the opening theme?", - "correct_answer": "Stab him", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nab him", - "Jab him", - "Tab him" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What national museum will you find in Cooperstown, New York?", - "correct_answer": "National Baseball Hall of Fame", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Metropolitan Museum of Art", - "National Toy Hall of Fame", - "Museum of Modern Art" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these animals belongs in class Chondrichthyes?", - "correct_answer": "Great white shark", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Octopus", - "Killer whale", - "Catfish" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "GoldenEye 007 on the Nintendo 64 was planned to allow you to play as all previous Bond actors, with the exception of who?", - "correct_answer": "George Lazenby", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Roger Moore", - "Sean Connery", - "Timothy Dalton" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In The Lies of Locke Lamora, what title is Locke known by in the criminal world?", - "correct_answer": "The Thorn of Camorr", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Rose of the Marrows", - "The Thorn of Emberlain", - "The Thorn of the Marrows" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What country is not a part of Scandinavia?", - "correct_answer": "Finland", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Norway", - "Sweden", - "Denmark" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which character was played by Dustin Diamond in the sitcom 'Saved by the Bell'?", - "correct_answer": "Screech", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Zack", - "Mr. Belding", - "A.C. Slater" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many zeptometres are inside one femtometre?", - "correct_answer": "1,000,000", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "10", - "1,000,000,000", - "1000" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these musicals won the Tony Award for Best Musical?", - "correct_answer": "Rent", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Color Purple", - "American Idiot", - "Newsies" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many times do you fight Gilgamesh in "Final Fantasy 5"?", - "correct_answer": "6", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "4", - "5", - "3" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a team available in the game Pokémon Go?", - "correct_answer": "Team Rocket", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Team Instinct", - "Team Valor", - "Team Mystic" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Touhou: Embodiment of Scarlet Devil, what song plays during Flandre Scarlet's boss fight?", - "correct_answer": "U.N. Owen Was Her", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Septette for the Dead Princess", - "Flowering Night", - "Pierrot of the Star-Spangled Banner" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The medical term for the belly button is which of the following?", - "correct_answer": "Umbilicus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nevus", - "Nares", - "Paxillus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Unlike on most salamanders, this part of a newt is flat?", - "correct_answer": "Tail", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Head", - "Teeth", - "Feet" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In 2016, who won the Formula 1 World Constructor's Championship for the third time in a row?", - "correct_answer": "Mercedes-AMG Petronas", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Scuderia Ferrari", - "McLaren Honda", - "Red Bull Racing Renault" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the real hair colour of the mainstream comic book version (Earth-616) of Daredevil?", - "correct_answer": "Blonde", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Auburn", - "Brown", - "Black" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who played the Cenobite called "Pinhead" in the original Hellraiser films?", - "correct_answer": "Doug Bradley", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Doug Jones", - "Doug Savant", - "Doug Benson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In RuneScape, one must complete the "Dragon Slayer" quest before equipping Rune Platelegs.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "One Piece", what does "the Pirate King" mean to the captain of the Straw Hat Pirates?", - "correct_answer": "Freedom", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Promise", - "Adventure", - "Friendship" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which country was an allied power in World War II?", - "correct_answer": "Soviet Union", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Italy", - "Germany", - "Japan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The character that would eventually become Dr. Eggman was considered for the role of Sega's new flagship mascot before Sonic was.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What did the abbreviation "RMS" stand for in the RMS Titanic in 1912?", - "correct_answer": "Royal Mail Ship", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Royal Majesty Service", - "Regular Maritime Schedule ", - "Regulated Maelstrom Sensor" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In which manga did the "404 Girl" from 4chan originate from?", - "correct_answer": "Yotsuba&!", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Azumanga Daioh", - "Lucky Star", - "Clover" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Magic: The Gathering, what term for blocking was established in the Portal set?", - "correct_answer": "Intercepting", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Blocking", - "Resisting", - "Shielding" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who was the longest-serving senator in US history, serving from 1959 to 2010?", - "correct_answer": "Robert Byrd", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Daniel Inouye", - "Strom Thurmond", - "Joe Biden" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Before it's redesign of the company logo in the year 2000, which 3D shape is NOT represented in the Electronic Arts logo?", - "correct_answer": "Cylinder", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pyramid", - "Cube", - "Sphere" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Shang Tsung is a playable character in Mortal Kombat XL.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the AHL affiliate of the Toronto Maple Leafs?", - "correct_answer": "Toronto Marlies", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Toronto Rock", - "Toronto Argonauts", - "Toronto Wolfpack" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the last Roman emperor in the Year of Four Emperors (69 AD)?", - "correct_answer": "Vespasian", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vitellius", - "Otho", - "Galba" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The film Mad Max: Fury Road features the Dies Irae from which composer's requiem?", - "correct_answer": "Verdi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mozart", - "Berlioz", - "Brahms" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these Marvel games was released on the Playstation 2?", - "correct_answer": "Spider-Man 2", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Silver Surfer", - "Howard the Duck", - "Wolverine: Adamantium Rage" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "AMC's "The Walking Dead", Rick, Carl, Daryl, Morgan, Carol and Maggie were introduced to us in Season 1.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "According to Algonquian folklore, how does one transform into a Wendigo?", - "correct_answer": "Participating in cannibalism.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Excessive mutilation of animal corpses.", - "Performing a ritual involving murder.", - "Drinking the blood of many slain animals." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which element has the chemical symbol 'Fe'?", - "correct_answer": "Iron", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gold", - "Silver", - "Tin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The song 'Little April Shower' features in which Disney cartoon film?", - "correct_answer": "Bambi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cinderella", - "Pinocchio", - "The Jungle Book" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The US emergency hotline is 911 because of the September 11th terrorist attacks.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Gumbo is a stew that originated in Louisiana.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The binary number "101001101" is equivalent to the Decimal number "334"", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the name of singer Frank Ocean's second studio album, which was released on August 20, 2016?", - "correct_answer": "Blonde", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Brunette", - "Black", - "Burgundy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What does IWHBYD stand for on the skull in the Halo series?", - "correct_answer": "I Would Have Been Your Daddy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "I Wanna Have Babies You Down", - "I Would Hate Being Your Driver", - "I Would Have Bought Your Dog" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what prison was Adolf Hitler held in 1924?", - "correct_answer": "Landsberg Prison", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Spandau Prison", - "Ebrach Abbey", - "Hohenasperg" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Samuel L. Jackson had the words, 'Bad Motherf*cker' in-scripted on his lightsaber during the filming of Star Wars.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which car manufacturer won the 2016 24 Hours of Le Mans?", - "correct_answer": "Porsche", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Toyota", - "Audi", - "Ferrari" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the 2016 studio album by the French electronic music duo Justice?", - "correct_answer": "Woman", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Randy", - "Safe and Sound", - "Pleasure" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The starting pistol of the Terrorist team in a competitive match of Counter Strike: Global Offensive is what?", - "correct_answer": "Glock-18", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tec-9", - "Desert Eagle", - "Dual Berretas" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these are the name of a famous marker brand?", - "correct_answer": "Copic", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dopix", - "Cofix", - "Marx" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many timezones does Russia have?", - "correct_answer": "11", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "6", - "24", - "16" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the highest mountain in the world?", - "correct_answer": "Mt. Everest", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mount Godwin Austen", - "Kangchenjunga", - "Annapurna" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Nazi Germany surrendered on Harry Truman's birthday while he was president.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which race enjoys a glass of warm baghol in "Star Trek"?", - "correct_answer": "Klingon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vulcan", - "Human", - "Botha" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Earthbound", how does one enter "Master Belch's" factory?", - "correct_answer": "Wait 3 Minutes", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Enter the password "Fly Honey"", - "Enter the password "Master Belch Rules"", - "Enter the password "Mr Saturn Drools"" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these blocks in "Minecraft" has the lowest blast resistance?", - "correct_answer": "Sand", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "End Stone", - "Water", - "Wood Planks" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "SpongeBob SquarePants", what is the name of Sandy Cheek's place of residence?", - "correct_answer": "Sandy's Treedome", - "incorrect_answers": [ - ""The Dome"", - "Sandy's Bubble", - "Auquatic Reseach Centre" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many years did the Hundred Years' War last?", - "correct_answer": "116", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "100", - "90", - "101" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What studio animated Ouran High School Host Club?", - "correct_answer": "Bones", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Production I.G", - "Kyoto Animation", - "xebec" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who was Donald Trump's first wife?", - "correct_answer": "Ivana Zelní\u010dková", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Melania Knauss", - "Marla Maples", - "Nancy Davis" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the name of Jonny's pet dog in The Adventures of Jonny Quest?", - "correct_answer": "Bandit", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lucky", - "Rocky", - "Max" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year did Texas secede from Mexico?", - "correct_answer": "1836", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1838", - "1845", - "1844" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The snowmobile was invented by Canadian Joseph-Armand Bombardier in 1937.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What kind of aircraft was developed by Igor Sikorsky in the United States in 1942?", - "correct_answer": "Helicopter", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Stealth Blimp", - "Jet", - "Space Capsule" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which pulp hero made appearances in Hellboy and BPRD comics before getting his own spin-off?", - "correct_answer": "Lobster Johnson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Roger the Homunculus", - "The Spider", - "The Wendigo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Axolotl is an amphibian that can spend its whole life in a larval state.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the only president to not be in office in Washington D.C?", - "correct_answer": "George Washington", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Abraham Lincoln", - "Richard Nixon", - "Thomas Jefferson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the main character in "The Stanley Parable"?", - "correct_answer": "Stanley", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Adventure Line", - "The Narrator", - "The Boss" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was Manfred von Richthofen's nickname?", - "correct_answer": "The Red Baron", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The High Flying Ace", - "The Blue Serpent ", - "The Germany Gunner" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "United States President John F. Kennedy was assassinated during his presidential motorcade in Atlanta, Georgia on November 22nd, 1963.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The main antagonist of the second part of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure is which of the following?", - "correct_answer": "Kars", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Erina Joestar", - "Santana", - "Wired Beck" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Undertale, what's the prize for answering correctly?", - "correct_answer": "More questions", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "New car", - "Mercy", - "Money" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the animated series RWBY, what is the name of the weapon used by Weiss Schnee?", - "correct_answer": "Myrtenaster", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gambol Shroud", - "Crescent Rose", - "Ember Celica" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who is the Egyptian god of reproduction and lettuce?", - "correct_answer": "Min", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Menu", - "Mut", - "Meret" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When was the Garfield comic first published?", - "correct_answer": "1978", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1982", - "1973", - "1988" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the same in Celsius and Fahrenheit?", - "correct_answer": "-40", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "32", - "-39", - "-42" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the leader of the Communist Party of Yugoslavia ?", - "correct_answer": "Josip Broz Tito", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Karadjordje Petrovic", - "Milos Obilic", - "Aleskandar Petrovic" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "British actor David Morrissey stars as which role in "The Walking Dead"?", - "correct_answer": "The Governor", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Negan", - "Rick Grimes", - "Daryl Dixon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Terraria, which of these items is NOT crafted at a Mythril Anvil?", - "correct_answer": "Ankh Charm", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Venom Staff", - "Sky Fracture", - "Orichalcum Tools" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the alter-ego of the DC comics character "Superman"?", - "correct_answer": "Clark Kent", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bruce Wayne", - "Arthur Curry", - "John Jones" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The value of one Calorie is different than the value of one calorie.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The game "Pocket Morty" has a Morty called "Pocket Mortys Morty"?", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What Queen song plays during the final fight scene of the film "Hardcore Henry"?", - "correct_answer": "Don't Stop Me Now", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Brighton Rock", - "Another Bites the Dust", - "We Will Rock You" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Haggis is traditionally ate on Burns Night.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The two largest ethnic groups of Belgium are Flemish and Walloon. ", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In 1993, Prince changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol because he was unhappy with his contract with Warner Bros.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which fictional English county was the setting for Thomas Hardy's novels?", - "correct_answer": "Wessex", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Barsetshire", - "Fulchester", - "Ambridge" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "If you planted the seeds of Quercus robur, what would grow?", - "correct_answer": "Trees", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Grains", - "Vegetables", - "Flowers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "PUBATTLEGROUNDS" which ammo type does the M24 use?", - "correct_answer": "7.62mm", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "5.56mm", - "9mm", - ".300 Magnum" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Earth is located in which galaxy?", - "correct_answer": "The Milky Way Galaxy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Mars Galaxy", - "The Galaxy Note", - "The Black Hole" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Rincewind from the 1995 Discworld game was voiced by which member of Monty Python?", - "correct_answer": "Eric Idle", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "John Cleese", - "Terry Gilliam", - "Michael Palin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many books are in Euclid's Elements of Geometry?", - "correct_answer": "13", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "8", - "10", - "17" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Andrew Lloyd Webber musical "Cats" is based off a book of poems written by which author?", - "correct_answer": "T.S. Elliot", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Andrew Lloyd Webber", - "Emily Dickenson", - "Robert Frost" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "After his loss at the Battle of Waterloo, Napoleon Bonaparte was exiled to which island?", - "correct_answer": "St. Helena", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Elba", - "Corsica", - "Canary" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What European country is not a part of the EU?", - "correct_answer": "Norway", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lithuania", - "Ireland", - "Czechia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who recorded the 1975 album 'Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy'?", - "correct_answer": "Elton John", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "John Denver", - "Billy Joel", - "Joe Cocker" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The S in Harry S. Truman stands for "Samuel".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which video game was recalled for containing a hidden, playable South Park episode?", - "correct_answer": "Tiger Woods 99 PGA Tour", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3", - "Sonic Adventure", - "Madden 99" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Niko Bellic is the protagonist of Grand Theft Auto IV.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who developed the first successful polio vaccine in the 1950s?", - "correct_answer": "Jonas Salk", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "John F. Enders", - "Thomas Weller", - "Frederick Robbins" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Folic acid is the synthetic form of which vitamin?", - "correct_answer": "Vitamin B", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vitamin A", - "Vitamin C", - "Vitamin D" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Before Super Smash Bros. contained Nintendo characters, what was it known as internally?", - "correct_answer": "Dragon King: The Fighting Game", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Contest of Champions", - "Smash and Pummel", - "Fighter of the Ages: Conquest" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Winch of these names are not a character of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure?", - "correct_answer": "JoJo Kikasu", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jean-Pierre Polnareff", - "George Joestar", - "Risotto Nero" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Where is the world's oldest still operational space launch facility located?", - "correct_answer": "Kazakhstan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Russia", - "Iran", - "United States" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Pokémon, Ash's Pikachu refuses to go into a pokeball.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Sonic the Hedgehog universe, Tails' real name is Miles Prower.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many points did LeBron James score in his first NBA game?", - "correct_answer": "25", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "19", - "69", - "41" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which country has three capital cities?", - "correct_answer": "South Africa", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Somalia", - "China", - "United Kingdom" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Back to the Future Part II, Marty and Dr. Emmett Brown go to which future date?", - "correct_answer": "October 21, 2015", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "August 28, 2015", - "July 20, 2015", - "January 25, 2015" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Doctor Who" star David Tennant performed in a rendition of which Shakespearean play?", - "correct_answer": "Hamlet", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Tempest", - "Othello", - "The Taming of the Shrew" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following games in the The Legend of Zelda franchise was released in Japan before North America?", - "correct_answer": "The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess", - "The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks", - "The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When did the website "Facebook" launch?", - "correct_answer": "2004", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2005", - "2003", - "2006" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a name of a city in the main island of PLAYERUNKNOWN'S BATTLEGROUNDS?", - "correct_answer": "Belushya Guba", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Yasnaya Polyana", - "Pochinki", - "Georgopol" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Grand Theft Auto: V, what wanted level does the player receive if they enter Zancudo Army Base north of Los Santos?", - "correct_answer": "4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "3", - "5", - "1" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "On the NBC show Community, whose catch-phrase was "Pop! Pop!"?", - "correct_answer": "Magnitude", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Star Burns", - "Leonard", - "Senoir Chang" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which color cannot be produced in Roses, even through genetic alteration?", - "correct_answer": "Blue", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Black", - "Orange", - "Brown" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is Tiger Woods' all-time best career golf-score?", - "correct_answer": "61", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "65", - "63", - "67" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following films was NOT directed by Quentin Tarantino?", - "correct_answer": "From Dusk till Dawn", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jackie Brown", - "Pulp Fiction", - "Reservoir Dogs" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In August 1964, who introduced the Beatles to cannabis?", - "correct_answer": "Bob Dylan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jim Morrison", - "Brian Epstein", - "Jerry Garcia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of Rivers Cuomo's wife?", - "correct_answer": "Kyoko Ito", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Yoko Ono", - "Kyary Pamyu Pamyu", - "LiSA" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which one of these characters appeared in Marvel vs Capcom: Infinite? ", - "correct_answer": "Firebrand", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wolverine", - "Dr. Doom", - "Jill Valentine" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Doctor Who universe, how many times can a time lord normally regenerate?", - "correct_answer": "12", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "11", - "13", - "15" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the name of the first front-wheel-drive car produced by Datsun (now Nissan)?", - "correct_answer": "Cherry", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sunny", - "Bluebird", - "Skyline" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What name is given to all baby marsupials?", - "correct_answer": "Joey", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Calf", - "Pup", - "Cub" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The 'Islets of Langerhans' is found in which human organ?", - "correct_answer": "Pancreas", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kidney", - "Liver", - "Brain" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the main character of the anime "One-Punch Man"?", - "correct_answer": "Saitama", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Genos", - "Sonic", - "King" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "A defibrillator is used to start up a heartbeat once a heart has stopped beating.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which nation hosted the FIFA World Cup in 2006?", - "correct_answer": "Germany", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "United Kingdom", - "Brazil", - "South Africa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Team Fortress 2", the "Bill's Hat" is a reference to the game "Dota 2".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a faction included in the game Counter-Strike: Global Offensive?", - "correct_answer": "BOPE", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "GSG-9", - "Elite Crew", - "Phoenix Connexion" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who was the Prime Minister of Japan when Japan declared war on the US?", - "correct_answer": "Hideki Tojo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Michinomiya Hirohito", - "Isoroku Yamamoto", - "Fumimaro Konoe" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these Pokémon cannot learn Surf?", - "correct_answer": "Arbok", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Linoone", - "Tauros", - "Nidoking" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who is the original author of the realtime physics engine called PhysX?", - "correct_answer": "NovodeX", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ageia", - "Nvidia", - "AMD" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many trophies are there in "Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 3DS"?", - "correct_answer": "685", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1360", - "716", - "1155" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which iconic Disneyland attraction was closed in 2017 to be remodeled as a "Guardians of the Galaxy" themed ride?", - "correct_answer": "Twilight Zone Tower of Terror", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Haunted Mansion", - "Pirates of the Caribbean", - "Peter Pan's Flight" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Call Of Duty: Zombies", completing which map's easter egg will reward you with the achievement, "Time Travel Will Tell"?", - "correct_answer": "Shangri-La", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ascension", - "Moon", - "Die Rise" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Nova Scotia is on the east coast of Canada.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the only US President to be elected four times?", - "correct_answer": "Franklin Roosevelt", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Theodore Roosevelt", - "George Washington", - "Abraham Lincoln" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The 2011 movie "The Adventures of Tintin" was directed by Steven Spielberg.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which former US president was nicknamed "Teddy" after he refused to shoot a defenseless black bear?", - "correct_answer": "Theodore Roosevelt", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Woodrow Wilson", - "James F. Fielder", - "Andrew Jackson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the collective noun for rats?", - "correct_answer": "Mischief", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pack", - "Race", - "Drift" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What physics principle relates the net electric flux out of a closed surface to the charge enclosed by that surface?", - "correct_answer": "Gauss's Law", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Faraday's Law", - "Ampere's Law", - "Biot-Savart Law" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these numbers is closest to the total number of possible states for an army standard Enigma Machine?", - "correct_answer": "1.58 x 10^20", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1.58 x 10^22", - "1.58 x 10^18", - "1.58 x 10^24" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, how many consecutive kills does it require to earn the "Tactical Nuke" killstreak?", - "correct_answer": "25", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "20", - "30", - "35" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Minecraft wasn’t the original name to Minecraft.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The main character in the "Half-Life" franchise is named Morgan Freeman.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is NOT an album released by The Beatles?", - "correct_answer": "The Wall", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Abbey Road", - "Magical Mystery Tour", - "Revolver" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The original mascot of the popular Nintendo game, "Splatoon" was going to be...", - "correct_answer": "Mario", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Inklings", - "Octolings", - "Zelda" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The term "battery" to describe an electrical storage device was coined by?", - "correct_answer": "Benjamin Franklin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nikola Tesla", - "Luigi Galvani", - " Alessandro Volta" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Nirvana album had a naked baby on the cover?", - "correct_answer": "Nevermind", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bleach", - "In Utero", - "Incesticide" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Harvard University is located in which city?", - "correct_answer": "Cambridge", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Providence", - "New York", - "Washington D.C." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The default playermodel of Garry's Mod is this Half Life 2 character.", - "correct_answer": "Isaac Kleiner", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "G-Man", - "Alyx Vance", - "Gordon Freeman" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what film was the Michael Jackson song "Will You Be There" featured?", - "correct_answer": "Free Willy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sleepless in Seattle", - "Men in Black", - "Bad Boys" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which car tire manufacturer is famous for its "P Zero" line?", - "correct_answer": "Pirelli", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Goodyear", - "Bridgestone", - "Michelin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many playable characters are there in Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 3DS and Wii U?", - "correct_answer": "58", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "48", - "51", - "55" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the first Call of Duty game to include the Zombies gamemode?", - "correct_answer": "Call of Duty: World at War", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Call of Duty: Black Ops", - "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2", - "Call of Duty: Black Ops III" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was studio Trigger's first original long-form animated series for television?", - "correct_answer": "Kill la Kill", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kiznaiver", - "Inferno Cop", - "Gurren Lagann" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""Santa Claus" is a variety of melon.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which company developed and published Game Dev Tycoon?", - "correct_answer": "Greenheart Games", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Greenland Games", - "The Tycoonists", - "MomCorp" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What episode of "Mr. Bean" saw him trying to prevent people from seeing him naked?", - "correct_answer": "Mr. Bean in Room 426", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mr. Bean Goes to Town", - "The Trouble with Mr. Bean", - "Back to School Mr. Bean" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Into which basin does the Jordan River flow into?", - "correct_answer": "Dead Sea", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Aral Sea", - "Caspian Sea", - "Salton Sea" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which King of England was faced with the Peasants' Revolt in 1381?", - "correct_answer": "Richard II", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Edward III", - "Edward II", - "Henry IV" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The likeness of which president is featured on the rare $2 bill of USA currency?", - "correct_answer": "Thomas Jefferson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Martin Van Buren", - "Ulysses Grant", - "John Quincy Adams" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Francis Bacon died from a fatal case of pneumonia while he was attempting to preserve meat by stuffing a chicken with snow.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Jeb Bush was elected as Governor of Florida in 2002, starting his political career.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following weapons in "Counter-Strike: Global Offensive" does not have a right-click function?", - "correct_answer": "XM1014", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "SG553", - "R8 Revolver", - "USP-S" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The son of which pope supposedly held a lecherous fête involving 50 courtesans in the papal palace?", - "correct_answer": "Alexander VI", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Innocent V", - "Urban II", - "Pius III" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Lenovo acquired IBM's personal computer division, including the ThinkPad line of laptops and tablets, in what year?", - "correct_answer": "2005", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1999", - "2002", - "2008" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "George Orwell wrote this book, which is often considered a statement on government oversight.", - "correct_answer": "1984", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Old Man and the Sea", - "Catcher and the Rye", - "To Kill a Mockingbird" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "With which Greek philosopher would you associate the phrase, "I know that I know nothing"?", - "correct_answer": "Socrates", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Aristotle", - "Plato", - "Pythagoras" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "On what day did Germany invade Poland?", - "correct_answer": "September 1, 1939", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "December 7, 1941", - "June 22, 1941", - "July 7, 1937" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following is NOT a real song from the band Thousand Foot Krutch?", - "correct_answer": "Limitless Fury", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Let The Sparks Fly", - "Down", - "Give Up The Ghost" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What do the 4 Rings in Audi's Logo represent?", - "correct_answer": "Previously independent automobile manufacturers", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "States in which Audi makes the most sales", - "Main cities vital to Audi", - "Countries in which Audi makes the most sales" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Windows 7 operating system has six main editions.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which city did the former NHL team "The Nordiques" originiate from?", - "correct_answer": "Quebec City", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Houston", - "Montreal", - "New York" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Tupac Shakur died due to complications from being stabbed in 1996.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which "Green Arrow" sidekick commonly wears a baseball cap?", - "correct_answer": "Roy Harper", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Black Canary", - "Emiko Queen", - "Dick Grayson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The majority of Subaru vehicles are made in China.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who was the first ever actor to play "The Doctor" on "Doctor Who"?", - "correct_answer": "William Hartnell", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "David Tennant", - "Peter Capaldi", - "Tom Baker" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the game Tom Clancy's Rainbow 6 Siege, what organization is Valkyrie from?", - "correct_answer": "Navy Seals", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "S.A.S", - "G.I.G.N", - "F.B.I" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Fallout: New Vegas, upon starting each one of the four campaign DLCs, which one of them does not have a warning screen/recommended level? ", - "correct_answer": "Honest Hearts ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Old World Blues", - "Lonesome Road", - "Dead Money" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the game Enter the Gungeon, which one of these is not a playable character?", - "correct_answer": "The Wizard", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Bullet", - "The Robot", - "The Cultist" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Romance of the Three Kingdoms, who was not a member of the Peach Garden Oath?", - "correct_answer": "Zhao Yun", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Liu Bei", - "Guan Yu", - "Zhang Fei" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the name of the cancelled sequel of Team Fortress?", - "correct_answer": "Team Fortress 2: Brotherhood of Arms", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Team Fortress 2: Desert Mercenaries", - "Team Fortress 2: Operation Gear Grinder", - "Team Fortress 2: Return to Classic" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the largest organ of the human body?", - "correct_answer": "Skin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Heart", - "large Intestine", - "Liver" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "With which doubles partner did John McEnroe have most success?", - "correct_answer": "Peter Fleming", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mark Woodforde", - "Michael Stich", - "Mary Carillo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What type of animal was Harambe, who was shot after a child fell into it's enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo?", - "correct_answer": "Gorilla", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tiger", - "Panda", - "Crocodile" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is the name for the failed key escrow device introduced by the National Security Agency in 1993?", - "correct_answer": "Clipper Chip", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Enigma Machine", - "Skipjack", - "Nautilus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which band name isn't a Stand in "JoJo's Bizzare Adventure"?", - "correct_answer": "AC/DC", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Green Day", - "Survivor", - "Red Hot Chili Peppers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is the name of a cut enemy from "Half-Life 2"?", - "correct_answer": "Hydra", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cthulu", - "Spike", - "Tremor" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Pluto is a planet.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Hagia Sophia was commissioned by which emperor of the Byzantine Empire?", - "correct_answer": "Justinian I", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Constantine IV", - "Arcadius", - "Theodosius the Great" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many plays is Shakespeare generally considered to have written?", - "correct_answer": "37", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "18", - "54", - "25" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Ana was added as a new hero for the game Overwatch on July 19th, 2016.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the maximum HP in Terraria?", - "correct_answer": "500", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "400", - "1000", - "100" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Joko Widodo has appeared in the cover of a TIME magazine.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When did The Beatles release the LP "Please Please Me"?", - "correct_answer": "1963", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1970", - "1960", - "1969" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Battlestar Galactica (2004), Cylons were created by man as cybernetic workers and soldiers.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "An average human can go two weeks without water.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "JoJo's Bizarre Adventure", Father Enrico Pucchi uses a total of 3 stands in Part 6: Stone Ocean.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The main six year old protagonist in Calvin and Hobbes is named after what theologian?", - "correct_answer": "John Calvin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Calvin Klein", - "Calvin Coolidge", - "Phillip Calvin McGraw" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Green Eggs and Ham" consists of only 50 different words.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What Pokémon's Base Stat Total does not change when it evolves?", - "correct_answer": "Scyther", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pikachu", - "Sneasel", - "Larvesta" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What does RAID stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Redundant Array of Independent Disks", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rapid Access for Indexed Devices", - "Range of Applications with Identical Designs", - "Randomized Abstract Identification Description" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In World of Warcraft the default UI color that signifies Druid is what?", - "correct_answer": "Orange", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Brown", - "Green", - "Blue" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Ottoman Empire was dissolved after their loss in which war?", - "correct_answer": "World War I", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Crimean War", - "Serbian Revolution", - "Second Balkan War" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Resident Evil 3", how many inventory slots does Jill have at the start of the game?", - "correct_answer": "10", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "6", - "8", - "12" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The moons, Miranda, Ariel, Umbriel, Titania and Oberon orbit which planet?", - "correct_answer": "Uranus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jupiter", - "Venus", - "Neptune" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is Hermione Granger's middle name?", - "correct_answer": "Jean", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jane", - "Emma", - "Jo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the villain company in "Stardew Valley"?", - "correct_answer": "Joja Co ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ronin", - "Empire", - "Robotnik Industry's " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What are the base station trackers used for the HTC Vive called?", - "correct_answer": "Lighthouse", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Motion", - "Constellation ", - "Trackers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The creator of the Enigma Cypher and Machine was of what nationality?", - "correct_answer": "German", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "American", - "British", - "Polish" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which country is hosting the 2022 FIFA World Cup?", - "correct_answer": "Qatar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Uganda", - "Vietnam", - "Bolivia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What are rhino's horn made of?", - "correct_answer": "Keratin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bone", - "Ivory", - "Skin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "For what reason would a spotted hyena "laugh"?", - "correct_answer": "Nervousness", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Excitement", - "Aggression", - "Exhaustion" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following countries does "JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders" not take place in?", - "correct_answer": "Philippines", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "India", - "Pakistan", - "Egypt" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Solid Snake is actually a clone from the DNA of Big Boss in the Metal Gear Solid series' history.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the English title of the vaporwave track "\u30ea\u30b5\u30d5\u30e9\u30f3\u30af420 / \u73fe\u4ee3\u306e\u30b3\u30f3\u30d4\u30e5\u30fc" by Macintosh Plus (Vektroid)?", - "correct_answer": "Lisa Frank 420 / Modern Computing", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Smoke Weed 420 / Everyday", - "Make Your Move 420 / My Mind", - "It's All In Your Head 420 / Understand" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What term is best associated with Sigmund Freud?", - "correct_answer": "Psychoanalysis", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy", - "Theory of Gravity", - "Dialectical Behavior Therapy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In what Homestuck Update was [S] Game Over released?", - "correct_answer": "October 25th, 2014", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "April 13th, 2009", - "April 8th, 2012", - "August 28th, 2003" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which buzzword did Apple Inc. use to describe their removal of the headphone jack?", - "correct_answer": "Courage", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Innovation", - "Revolution", - "Bravery" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Space Needle is located in which city?", - "correct_answer": "Seattle", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Los Angles", - "Toronto", - "Vancouver" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of the formerly rich fishing grounds off the island of Newfoundland, Canada?", - "correct_answer": "Grand Banks", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Great Barrier Reef", - "Mariana Trench", - "Hudson Bay" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which team won the "Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Siege" Invitational Event February 2017 in the PC Category?", - "correct_answer": "Continuum", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "GIFU", - "Santos Dexterity", - "eRa Eternity" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In World War I, what was the name of the alliance of Germany, Austria-Hungary, the Ottoman Empire, and Bulgaria?", - "correct_answer": "The Central Powers", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Axis Powers", - "The Federation of Empires", - "Authoritarian Alliance" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Call Of Duty: Zombies", what is the name of the machine that upgrades weapons?", - "correct_answer": "Pack-A-Punch", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wunderfizz", - "Gersch Device", - "Mule Kick" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Finnish Lapphund dogs were used for herding reindeer.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the name of the planned invasion of Japan towards the end of World War II?", - "correct_answer": "Operation Downfall", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Operation Boarding Party", - "Operation Ironclad", - "Operation Aflame" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Left 4 Dead, what is the character Bill's last name?", - "correct_answer": "Overbeck", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fish", - "Roberts", - "Stevenson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""The Simpsons" family is named after creator Matt Groening's real family.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the first human being in Norse mythology?", - "correct_answer": "Ask", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Asmund", - "Ake", - "Asger" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What does the United States of America celebrate during the 4th of July?", - "correct_answer": "The signing of the Declaration of Independence", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg", - "The crossing of the Delaware River", - "The ratification of the Constitution" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Thirty Years War ended with which treaty?", - "correct_answer": "Peace of Westphalia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Treaty of Versailles", - "Treaty of Paris", - "Peace of Prague" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The game Garry's Mod originally took assets and codes from the popular Half Life 2 mod JBmod.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the British Prime Minister at the outbreak of the Second World War?", - "correct_answer": "Neville Chamberlain", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Clement Attlee", - "Winston Churchill", - "Stanley Baldwin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who wrote and directed the 1986 film 'Platoon'?", - "correct_answer": "Oliver Stone", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Francis Ford Coppola", - "Stanley Kubrick", - "Michael Cimino" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which president erased the national debt of the United States?", - "correct_answer": "Andrew Jackson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ronald Reagan", - "John F. Kennedy", - "Franklin Roosevelt" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what engine was Titanfall made in?", - "correct_answer": "Source Engine", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Frostbite 3", - "Unreal Engine", - "Cryengine" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the star of the AMC series Breaking Bad?", - "correct_answer": "Walter White", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Saul Goodman", - "Jesse Pinkman", - "Skyler White" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The book 1984 was published in 1949.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these countries remained neutral during World War II?", - "correct_answer": "Switzerland", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "United Kingdom", - "France", - "Italy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Grand Theft Auto V, what was Michael De Santa's former surname?", - "correct_answer": "Townley", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "De Santos", - "Watson", - "Simpson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "After which Danish city is the 72th element on the periodic table named?", - "correct_answer": "Copenhagen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Odense", - "Herning", - "Skagen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Western Electric Model 500 telephone uses tone dialing to dial phone numbers.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the first game ever released that ran on the Source engine?", - "correct_answer": "Counter-Strike: Source", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Half-Life 2", - "Garry's Mod", - "Team Fortress 2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Volkswagen's legendary VR6 engine has cylinders positioned at what degree angle?", - "correct_answer": "15 Degree", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "30 Degree", - "45 Degree", - "90 Degree" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When did Norway become free from Sweden?", - "correct_answer": "1905", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1925", - "1814", - "1834" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the capital of Slovakia?", - "correct_answer": "Bratislava", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sofia", - "Ljubljana", - "Sarajevo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Panic! At the Disco's song "Nothern Downpour", which lyric follows 'I know the world's a broken bone'.", - "correct_answer": ""So melt your headaches call it home"", - "incorrect_answers": [ - ""So sing your song until you're home"", - ""So let them know they're on their own"", - ""So start a fire in their cold stone"" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year was the Oculus Rift revealed to the public through a Kickstarter campaign?", - "correct_answer": "2012", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2010", - "2011", - "2013" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the television show "Lazy Town", who is the actor of Robbie Rotten?", - "correct_answer": "Stefán Stefánsson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Adam Sandler", - "Magnús Scheving", - "Stephen Carl" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which species is a "mountain chicken"?", - "correct_answer": "Frog", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chicken", - "Horse", - "Fly" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who played the Waitress in the Spam sketch of "Monty Python's Flying Circus"?", - "correct_answer": "Terry Jones", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Eric Idle", - "Graham Chapman", - "John Cleese" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Why was The Green Monster at Fenway Park was originally built?", - "correct_answer": "To prevent viewing games from outside the park.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "To make getting home runs harder.", - "To display advertisements.", - "To provide extra seating." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "On the periodic table of elements, what is the symbol for Tin?", - "correct_answer": "Sn", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ti", - "Ni", - "Na" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "According to DeMorgan's Theorem, the Boolean expression (AB)' is equivalent to:", - "correct_answer": "A' + B'", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A'B + B'A", - "A'B'", - "AB' + AB" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Overwatch, what is Lúcio's full name?", - "correct_answer": "Lúcio Correia Dos Santos", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lúcio Luiz Lós Guilherme", - "Lúcio João Lucas", - "Lúcio Chupar Prima" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the youngest person to recieve a Nobel Prize?", - "correct_answer": "Malala Yousafzai", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lawrence Bragg", - "Werner Heisenberg", - "Yasser Arafat" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the study of the cells and tissues of plants and animals?", - "correct_answer": "Histology", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Microbiology", - "Anatomy", - "Biochemistry" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following is a major muscle of the back?", - "correct_answer": "Trapezius", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Trapezium", - "Trapezoid", - "Triquetrum" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Each piece in Tetris is called a tetris.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Ping-Pong originated in England", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was the play "Macbeth" written?", - "correct_answer": "1606", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1605", - "1723", - "1628" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Video streaming website YouTube was purchased in it's entirety by Facebook for US$1.65 billion in stock.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When did Spanish Peninsular War start?", - "correct_answer": "1808", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1806", - "1810", - "1809" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "According to scholarly estimates, what percentage of the world population at the time died due to Tamerlane's conquests?", - "correct_answer": "5%", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1%", - "3%", - "<1%" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What year was Queen Elizabeth II born?", - "correct_answer": "1926", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1923", - "1929", - "1930" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How old was Lyndon B. Johnson when he assumed the role of President of the United States?", - "correct_answer": "55", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "50", - "60", - "54" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What year was the Mona Lisa finished?", - "correct_answer": "1504", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1487", - "1523", - "1511" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "According to the United States' CDC, one in how many Americans die annually due to smoking?", - "correct_answer": "Five", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Twenty", - "Ten", - "One hundred" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the original name of Crash Bandicoot?", - "correct_answer": "Willie Wombat", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Coco Bandicoot", - "Marvelous Mole", - "Wally Wombat" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the religion of famous singer "Freddie Mercury"?", - "correct_answer": "Zoroastrianism", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Paganism", - "Ashurism", - "Judaism" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the video game "Team Fortress 2", which class is able to double jump?", - "correct_answer": "Scout", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Spy", - "Engineer", - "Pyro" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What team won the 2016 MLS Cup?", - "correct_answer": "Seattle Sounders", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Colorado Rapids", - "Toronto FC", - "Montreal Impact" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The creeper in Minecraft was the result of a bug while implementing which creature?", - "correct_answer": "Pig", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Zombie", - "Chicken", - "Cow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Star Trek: The Next Generation, what is the name of Data's cat?", - "correct_answer": "Spot", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mittens", - "Tom", - "Kitty" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Ellie Goulding's earliest album was named?", - "correct_answer": "Lights", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Halcyon", - "Bright Lights", - "Halcyon Days" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year did "Bob Ross" die?", - "correct_answer": "1995", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1986", - "1989", - "1997" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the lead singer and frontman of rock band R.E.M?", - "correct_answer": "Michael Stipe", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chris Martin", - "Thom Yorke", - "George Michael" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is NOT one of Donald Trump's children?", - "correct_answer": "Julius", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Donald Jr.", - "Ivanka", - "Eric" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The scientific name for the Southern Lights is Aurora Australis?", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What animation studio produced "Gurren Lagann"?", - "correct_answer": "Gainax", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kyoto Animation", - "Pierrot", - "A-1 Pictures" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Baron Silas Greenback is the arch nemesis of which cartoon hero?", - "correct_answer": "Danger Mouse", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bananaman", - "SuperTed", - "Captain Star" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the capital of Greenland?", - "correct_answer": "Nuuk", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sisimiut", - "Narsaq", - "Maniitsoq" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The video game "Fuel" has an open world that is 5,560 square miles?", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The internet browser Firefox is named after the Red Panda.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Codemasters is the developer of the Gran Turismo series.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What happened on June 6, 1944?", - "correct_answer": "D-Day", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki", - "Attack on Pearl Harbor", - "The Liberation of Paris" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which studio made Cowboy Bebop?", - "correct_answer": "Sunrise", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bones", - "Madhouse", - "Pierriot" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What's the weakness of american vampires (Scott Snyder's American Vampire)?", - "correct_answer": "Gold", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sunlight", - "Wood", - "Silver" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who wrote the novel "Moby-Dick"?", - "correct_answer": "Herman Melville", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "William Golding", - "William Shakespeare", - "J. R. R. Tolkien" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is Sonic's sidekick?", - "correct_answer": "Tails", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shadow", - "Amy", - "Knuckles" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Complete the following analogy: Audi is to Volkswagen as Infiniti is to ?", - "correct_answer": "Nissan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Honda", - "Hyundai", - "Subaru" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which movie includes a giant bunny-like spirit who has magic powers including growing trees?", - "correct_answer": "My Neighbor Totoro", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hop", - "Rise of the Guardians", - "Alice in Wonderland" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year was the video game company Electronic Arts founded?", - "correct_answer": "1982", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1999", - "1981", - "2005" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was Genghis Khan's real name?", - "correct_answer": "Temüjin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Möngke", - "Ögedei", - "Temür" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Greek mythology, Hera is the goddess of harvest.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "The Big Bang Theory", what is Howard Wolowitz's nickname in World of Warcraft?", - "correct_answer": "Wolowizard", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sheldor", - "Rajesh", - "Priya" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the largest Muslim country in the world?", - "correct_answer": "Indonesia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pakistan", - "Saudi Arabia", - "Iran" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the item required to summon the boss Duke Fishron in the game Terraria?", - "correct_answer": "Truffle Worm", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Suspicious Looking Fish", - "King Grasshopper", - "Slug" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Pokémon series, which type is Sudowoodo, the Imitation Pokémon?", - "correct_answer": "Rock", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Grass", - "Bug", - "Ground" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these countries is the smallest by population?", - "correct_answer": "Norway", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Slovakia", - "Finland", - "Hong Kong" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The chemical element Lithium is named after the country of Lithuania.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In a 1994 CBS interview, Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates performed what unusual trick on camera?", - "correct_answer": "Jumping over an office chair", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jumping backwards over a desk", - "Standing on his head", - "Typing on a keyboard during a handstand" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""Silhouette", a song performed by the group 'KANA-BOON' is featured as the sixteenth opening of which anime?", - "correct_answer": "Naruto: Shipp\u016bden", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "One Piece", - "Naruto", - "Gurren Lagann" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the perk that was introduced in the "Call Of Duty: Zombies" map, "Mob Of The Dead"?", - "correct_answer": "Electric Cherry", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Quick Revive", - "Vulture Aid", - "Tombstone" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following is not one of the Greek Fates?", - "correct_answer": "Narcissus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Clotho", - "Atropos", - "Lachesis" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Activision created Battlefield 1.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which country has the most Trappist breweries?", - "correct_answer": "Belgium", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Netherlands", - "France", - "USA" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "During Wimbledon, spectators in the grounds can buy the tennis balls that have been used in matches.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What date is referenced in the 1971 song "September" by Earth, Wind & Fire?", - "correct_answer": "21st of September", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "26th of September", - "23rd of September", - "24th of September" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who wrote the play 'Angels in America'?", - "correct_answer": "Tony Kusher", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tom Stoppard", - "Matthew Lopez", - "Anthony Neilson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of Ruby Rose's weapon from RWBY?", - "correct_answer": "Crescent Rose", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Thorned Rosebud", - "Magnhild", - "Crooked Scythe" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the SHMUP series, "Gradius", what is the name of the antagonist faction you fight against?", - "correct_answer": "Bacterion", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bydo", - "Belsar", - "ORN Empire" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Tiananmen Square protests of 1989 were held in Hong Kong.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Scotch whisky and Drambuie make up which cocktail?", - "correct_answer": "Rusty Nail", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Screwdriver", - "Sex on the Beach", - "Manhattan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Morse code, which letter is indicated by 3 dots? ", - "correct_answer": "S", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "O", - "A", - "C" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In 2016, the United Kingdom voted to stay in the EU.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Pokémon Go is a location-based augmented reality game developed and published by which company?", - "correct_answer": "Niantic", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rovio", - "Zynga", - "Supercell" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the romanized Korean word for "heart"?", - "correct_answer": "Simjang", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Aejeong", - "Jeongsin", - "Segseu" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which one of these rulers did not belong to the Habsburg dynasty?", - "correct_answer": "Philip V", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Charles V", - "Philip II", - "Francis Joseph" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Automobiles produced by Tesla Motors operate on which form of energy?", - "correct_answer": "Electricity", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gasoline", - "Diesel", - "Nuclear" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who invented the "Flying Shuttle" in 1738; one of the key developments in the industrialization of weaving?", - "correct_answer": "John Kay", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "James Hargreaves", - "Richard Arkwright", - "John Deere" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Fucking is a village in which country?", - "correct_answer": "Austria", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Germany", - "Switzerland", - "Czech Republic" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": ""Yes, America Can!" was this United States politician's de facto campaign slogan in 2004.", - "correct_answer": "George W. Bush", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "John Kerry", - "Barack Obama", - "Al Gore" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What nucleotide pairs with guanine?", - "correct_answer": "Cytosine", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Thymine", - "Adenine", - "Uracil" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The two main characters of "No Game No Life", Sora and Shiro, together go by what name?", - "correct_answer": "Blank", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Immanity", - "Disboard", - "Warbeasts" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Star Trek Nemesis", why was Praetor Shinzon created?", - "correct_answer": "To replace Picard as a Romulan Agent", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "To destroy the Enterprise", - "To become Picard's friend ", - "To steal the Enterprise" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the armored titan in "Attack On Titan"?", - "correct_answer": "Reiner Braun", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Armin Arlelt", - "Mikasa Ackermann", - "Eren Jaeger" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What vulnerability ranked #1 on the OWASP Top 10 in 2013?", - "correct_answer": "Injection ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Broken Authentication", - "Cross-Site Scripting", - "Insecure Direct Object References" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which actor portrays "Walter White" in the series "Breaking Bad"?", - "correct_answer": " Bryan Cranston", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Andrew Lincoln", - "Aaron Paul", - "RJ Mitte" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who designed the Chupa Chups logo?", - "correct_answer": "Salvador Dali", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pablo Picasso", - "Andy Warhol", - "Vincent van Gogh" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following is the IATA code for Manchester Airport?", - "correct_answer": "MAN", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "EGLL", - "LHR", - "EGCC" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When was the FC Schalke 04 founded?", - "correct_answer": "1904", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1909", - "2008", - "1999" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In The Simpsons, which war did Seymour Skinner serve in the USA Army as a Green Beret?", - "correct_answer": "Vietnam War", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "World War 2", - "World War 1", - "Cold War" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When did O, Canada officially become the national anthem?", - "correct_answer": "1980", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1950", - "1920", - "1880" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Lead Singer Rivers Cuomo of American rock band Weezer attended Harvard.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "With which team did Michael Schumacher make his Formula One debut at the 1991 Belgian Grand Prix?", - "correct_answer": "Jordan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Benetton", - "Ferrari", - "Mercedes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What state is the largest state of the United States of America?", - "correct_answer": "Alaska", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "California", - "Texas", - "Washington" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who wrote the children's story "The Little Match Girl"?", - "correct_answer": "Hans Christian Andersen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Charles Dickens", - "Lewis Carroll", - "Oscar Wilde" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many colors are there in a rainbow?", - "correct_answer": "7", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "8", - "9", - "10" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which game was exclusive to Dreamcast?", - "correct_answer": "Pen Pen TriIcelon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sylvester & Tweety in Cagey Capers", - "Perfect Dark", - "Tetrisphere" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the machine that fails and essentially dooms mankind in the beginning of the first Half-Life game?", - "correct_answer": "Anti-mass spectrometer", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Oscillation generator", - "Dark fusion reactor", - "Dark fusion resonator" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The average woman is 5 inches / 13 centimeters shorter than the average man.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which company made the Japanese RPG "Dragon Quest"?", - "correct_answer": "Square Enix", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Capcom", - "Konami", - "Blizzard" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The average lifespan of a wildcat is only around 5-6 years. ", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is a dead mall?", - "correct_answer": "A mall with high vacancy rates or low consumer foot traffic", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A mall with no stores", - "A mall that has been condemed", - "A mall after business hours" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was found in 1946 by two young shepards near a cave?", - "correct_answer": "Dead Sea Scrolls", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Blackbeard Chest", - "Sheep", - "The First Oaxaca Cave Sleeper" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The 2002 film "28 Days Later" is mainly set in which European country?", - "correct_answer": "United Kingdom", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "France", - "Italy", - "Germany" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In TF2 Lore, what are the names of the Heavy's younger sisters?", - "correct_answer": "Yana and Bronislava", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gaba and Anna", - "Yanna and Gaba", - "Anna and Bronislava" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The LS7 engine is how many cubic inches?", - "correct_answer": "427", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "346", - "364", - "376" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these characters from "SpongeBob SquarePants" is not a squid?", - "correct_answer": "Gary", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Orvillie", - "Squidward", - "Squidette" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In World of Warcraft, which raid instance features a chess event?", - "correct_answer": "Karazhan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Zul'Aman", - "Blackwing Lair", - "Temple of Ahn'Qiraj" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which Shakespeare play features the stage direction "Enter a messenger, with two heads and a hand"?", - "correct_answer": "Titus Andronicus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Othello", - "Macbeth", - "King Lear" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Rhode Island is actually located on the US mainland, despite its name.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the UK "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" cheating scandal known as?", - "correct_answer": "Major Fraud", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ingram Cheater", - "Coughing Major", - "Millionaire Crime" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which occupation did John Tanner, the main protagonist for Driver and Driver 2, had before turning into an undercover cop?", - "correct_answer": "Racing Driver", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Taxi Driver", - "Delivery Driver", - "Getaway Driver" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which actor was not a major character in TV Show Freaks and Geeks?", - "correct_answer": "Jonah Hill", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jason Segel", - "Seth Rogen", - "James Franco" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""Tachycardia" or "Tachyarrhythmia" refers to a resting heart-rate near or over 100 BPM.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Dry ice is the solid form of what substance?", - "correct_answer": "Carbon dioxide", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nitrogen", - "Ammonia", - "Oxygen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Only one country in the world starts with the letter Q.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In South Park, what is Stan's surname?", - "correct_answer": "Marsh", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Stotch", - "Broflovski", - "Tweak" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How would one say goodbye in Spanish?", - "correct_answer": "Adiós", - "incorrect_answers": [ - " Hola", - "Au Revoir", - "Salir" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which sign of the zodiac is represented by the Crab?", - "correct_answer": "Cancer", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Libra", - "Virgo", - "Sagittarius" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The logo for Snapchat is a Bell.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What name was historically used for the Turkish city currently known as Istanbul?", - "correct_answer": "Constantinople", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hüdavendigar", - "Sö\u011füt", - "Adrianople" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which country has hosted the 2018 FIFA World Cup?", - "correct_answer": "Russia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Germany", - "United States", - "Saudi Arabia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the corgi in Cowboy Bebop?", - "correct_answer": "Einstein", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Edward", - "Rocket", - "Joel" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the web-comic Homestuck, what is the name of the game the 4 kids play?", - "correct_answer": "Sburb", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Homesick", - "Husslie", - "Hiveswap" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Human cells typically have how many copies of each gene?", - "correct_answer": "2", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1", - "4", - "3" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the official German name of the Swiss Federal Railways?", - "correct_answer": "Schweizerische Bundesbahnen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Schweizerische Nationalbahnen", - "Bundesbahnen der Schweiz", - "Schweizerische Staatsbahnen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Pokémon Sun and Moon, a male Salandit can evolve to a Salazzle.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the designation given to the Marvel Cinematic Universe?", - "correct_answer": "Earth-199999", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Earth-616", - "Earth-10005", - "Earth-2008" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Halo 2", what is the name of the monitor of Installation 05?", - "correct_answer": "2401 Penitent Tangent", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "343 Guilty Spark", - "031 Exuberant Witness", - "252 Biodis Expolsion" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which one of these was not a member of the Fiendish Five in the game Sly Cooper and the Thievius Raccoonus?", - "correct_answer": "Dimitri Lousteau", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mz. Ruby", - "Muggshot", - "Clockwerk" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "One Piece", who confirms the existence of the legendary treasure, One Piece?", - "correct_answer": "Edward "Whitebeard" Newgate", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Former Marine Fleet Admiral Sengoku", - "Pirate King Gol D Roger", - "Silvers Rayleigh" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these is not an additional variation of the color purple?", - "correct_answer": "Kobicha", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Byzantium", - "Pomp and Power", - "Palatinate" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which church's interior in Vatican City was designed in 1503 by renaissance architects including Bramante, Michelangelo and Bernini?", - "correct_answer": "St. Peter's Basilica", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Catania Cathedral", - "St. Mark’s Basilica", - "The Duomo of Florence" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Avatar: The Last Airbender" and "The Legend of Korra", Lavabending is a specialized bending technique of Firebending.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "On the cover of 'Abbey Road,' which of the Beatles is not wearing shoes?", - "correct_answer": "Paul McCartney", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ringo Starr", - "John Lennon", - "George Harrison" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the first episode of Yu-Gi-Oh: Duel Monsters, what book is Seto Kaiba seen reading at Domino High School?", - "correct_answer": "Thus Spoke Zarathustra", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Beyond Good and Evil", - "The Republic", - "Meditations" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these countries' national teams qualified for the 2018 FIFA World Cup in Russia?", - "correct_answer": "Tunisia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "United States of America", - "Italy", - "Netherlands" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Pianist Frédéric Chopin was a composer of which musical era?", - "correct_answer": "Romantic", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Classic", - "Baroque", - "Renaissance" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Enzo Ferrari was originally an auto racer for what manufacturer before founding his own car company?", - "correct_answer": "Alfa Romeo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Auto Union", - "Mercedes Benz", - "Bentley" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following car models has been badge-engineered (rebadged) the most?", - "correct_answer": "Isuzu Trooper", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Holden Monaro", - "Suzuki Swift", - "Chevy Camaro" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who was the King of Gods in Ancient Greek mythology?", - "correct_answer": "Zeus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Apollo", - "Hermes", - "Poseidon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the first "Star Wars" film by release order?", - "correct_answer": "A New Hope", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Phantom Menace", - "The Force Awakens", - "Revenge of the Sith" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who voices for Ruby in the animated series RWBY?", - "correct_answer": "Lindsay Jones", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tara Strong", - "Jessica Nigri", - "Hayden Panettiere" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is NOT the name of an album released by Miami-based producer DJ Khaled?", - "correct_answer": "Don't Ever Play Yourself", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Major Key", - "Suffering From Success", - "I Changed A Lot" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of the main character in the video game VA-11 HALL-A: Cyberpunk Bartender Action?", - "correct_answer": "Jill", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dana", - "Alma", - "Anna" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Adolf Hitler was born on which date?", - "correct_answer": "April 20, 1889", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "June 12, 1889", - "February 6, 1889", - "April 16, 1889" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The song "Feel Good Inc." by British band Gorillaz features which hip hop group?", - "correct_answer": "De La Soul", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Public Enemy", - "OutKast", - "Cypress Hill" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following is the standard THX subwoofer crossover frequency?", - "correct_answer": "80 Hz", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "70 Hz", - "90 Hz", - "100 Hz" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who wrote the Batman comic series "The Killing Joke"?", - "correct_answer": "Alan Moore", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bill Finger", - "Frank Miller", - "Jerry Siegel" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who designed the album cover for True Romance, an album by Estelle?", - "correct_answer": "Rebecca Sugar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Matt Burnett", - "Ian Jones Quartey", - "Ben Leven" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What national team won the 2016 edition of UEFA European Championship?", - "correct_answer": "Portugal", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "France", - "Germany", - "England" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "71% of the Earth's surface is made up of", - "correct_answer": "Water", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Deserts", - "Continents", - "Forests" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Formula 1, the Virtual Safety Car was introduced following the fatal crash of which driver?", - "correct_answer": "Jules Bianchi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ayrton Senna", - "Ronald Ratzenberger", - "Gilles Villeneuve" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who created Ultron of Earth-616?", - "correct_answer": "Henry Pym", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Amadeus Cho", - "Tony Stark", - "Reed Richards" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In association football, or soccer, a corner kick is when the game restarts after someone scores a goal.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""The first rule is: you don't talk about it" is a reference to which movie?", - "correct_answer": "Fight Club", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Island", - "Unthinkable", - "American Pie" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following originated as a manga?", - "correct_answer": "Akira", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cowboy Bebop", - "High School DxD", - "Gurren Lagann" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Super Mario World", the rhino mini-boss, Reznor, is named after the lead singer of the band "Nine Inch Nails".", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What year did the Chevrolet LUV mini truck make its debut?", - "correct_answer": "1972", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1982", - "1975", - "1973" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Psychology, which need appears highest in the "Maslow's hierarchy of needs" pyramid?", - "correct_answer": "Esteem", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Love", - "Safety", - "Physiological" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the scientific name for the extinct hominin known as "Lucy"?", - "correct_answer": "Australopithecus Afarensis", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Australopithecus Africanus", - "Australopithecus Architeuthis", - "Australopithecus Antaris" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The scrapped Sonic the Hedgehog 2 level "Hidden Palace Zone" was later reused in the iOS port of the game. ", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who crowned Charlemagne as Holy Roman Emperor on Christmas Day in 800?", - "correct_answer": "Pope Leo III", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pope Urban IV", - "Pope Stephen V", - "Pope Valentine" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many protons are in an oxygen atom?", - "correct_answer": "Eight", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Four", - "Two", - "Six" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who played Marquis de Lafayette and Thomas Jefferson in the original Broadway run of Hamilton?", - "correct_answer": "Daveed Diggs", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lin-Manuel Miranda", - "Javier Muñoz", - "Wayne Brady" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the survival horror game, "Cry of Fear," what was the name of Simon's close friend/potential love interest?", - "correct_answer": "Sophie", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Olivia", - "Jessica", - "Alice" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Splatoon, what is the age that inklings can freely change between squid and humanoid forms?", - "correct_answer": "14", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "13", - "16", - "10" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the top scorer of the 2014 FIFA World Cup?", - "correct_answer": "James Rodríguez", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Thomas Müller", - "Lionel Messi", - "Neymar" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What type of function is x²+2x+1?", - "correct_answer": "Quadratic", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rational", - "Linear", - "Exponential" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who was the only god from Greece who did not get a name change in Rome?", - "correct_answer": "Apollo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Demeter", - "Zeus", - "Athena" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Snakes and Ladders was originally created in India?", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "This field is sometimes known as “The Dismal Science.”", - "correct_answer": "Economics", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Philosophy", - "Politics", - "Physics" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these countries was sea charted in 1500 by the Portuguese maritime explorations?", - "correct_answer": "Brazil", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "India", - "Mozambique", - "Madagascar" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the 9th Pokemon movie, who is the Prince of the Sea?", - "correct_answer": "Manaphy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ash", - "May", - "Phantom" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the subject of the 2014 song "CoCo" by American rapper O. T. Genasis?", - "correct_answer": "Cocaine", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Conan O'Brien", - "Cobalt(II) carbonate", - "Coconut cream pie" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The term "Spam" came before the food product "Spam".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "By how many minutes are you late to work in "Half-Life"?", - "correct_answer": "30", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "5", - "60", - "15" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which animal was part of an Russian domestication experiment in 1959?", - "correct_answer": "Foxes", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pigeons", - "Bears", - "Alligators" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Final Fantasy VI was originally released outside Japan under what name?", - "correct_answer": "Final Fantasy III", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Final Fantasy VI", - "Final Fantasy V", - "Final Fantasy II" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The General Motors EV1 was the first street-legal production electric vehicle.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following is not a Flintstones character?", - "correct_answer": "Lord Rockingham IX", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rockhead Slate", - "The Great Gazoo", - "Barney Rubble" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which artist's style was to use small different colored dots to create a picture?", - "correct_answer": "Georges Seurat", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Paul Cézanne", - "Vincent Van Gogh", - "Henri Rousseau" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "African-American performer Sammy Davis Jr. was known for losing which part of his body in a car accident?", - "correct_answer": "Left Eye", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Right Ear", - "Right Middle Finger", - "Nose" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many seasons did the TV show "Donkey Kong Country" last?", - "correct_answer": "2", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1", - "4", - "5" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "This Canadian television sportscaster is known for his "Hockey Night in Canada" role, a commentary show during hockey games.", - "correct_answer": "Don Cherry", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Don McKellar", - "Don Taylor ", - "Donald Sutherland" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of Niccolò Machiavelli's work that argued effective leaders needed to crush their opponents at all costs?", - "correct_answer": "The Prince", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Rape of Lucrece", - "Will to Power", - "Love's Labours Lost" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which one of these characters is from "Legendz : Tale of the Dragon Kings"?", - "correct_answer": "Shiron", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jack", - "Axia", - "Drum" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which year did "Caravan Palace" release their first album?", - "correct_answer": "2008", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2000", - "2015", - "2004" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which desert is the only desert in the world where the "Saguaro" cactus grows indigenously?", - "correct_answer": "The Sonoran Desert", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Gobi Desert", - "The Yuma Desert", - "The Arabian Desert" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the largest country in the world?", - "correct_answer": "Russia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Canada", - "China", - "United States" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Sun consists of mostly which two elements?", - "correct_answer": "Hydrogen & Helium", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hydrogen & Nitrogen", - "Carbon & Nitrogen", - "Carbon & Helium" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Yo! Noid 2," The Noid can perform what special move?", - "correct_answer": "Dab", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pizza Throw", - "Dodge Roll", - "Spin Dash" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who won the 2017 Formula One World Drivers' Championship?", - "correct_answer": "Lewis Hamilton", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sebastian Vettel", - "Nico Rosberg", - "Max Verstappen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The word "science" stems from the word "scire" meaning what?", - "correct_answer": "To know", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "To measure", - "To live", - "To count" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is Jean ValJean's first prisoner number?", - "correct_answer": "24601", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "9430", - "1729", - "32769" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these albums is a Wu-Tang Clan album?", - "correct_answer": "Iron Flag", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Perfect Hair", - "The Low End Theory", - "Licensed to Ill" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the lead singer of Foo Fighters?", - "correct_answer": "Dave Grohl", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dave Mustaine", - "James Hetfield", - "Little Red Riding Hood" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Waluigi's first appearance was in what game?", - "correct_answer": "Mario Tennis 64 (N64)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wario Land: Super Mario Land 3", - "Mario Party (N64)", - "Super Smash Bros. Ultimate" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which best selling toy of 1983 caused hysteria, resulting in riots breaking out in stores?", - "correct_answer": "Cabbage Patch Kids", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Transformers", - "Care Bears", - "Rubik’s Cube" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which English guitarist has the nickname "Slowhand"?", - "correct_answer": "Eric Clapton", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mark Knopfler", - "Jeff Beck", - "Jimmy Page" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which language is NOT Indo-European?", - "correct_answer": "Hungarian", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Russian", - "Greek", - "Latvian" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the pen name of novelist, Mary Ann Evans?", - 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"difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following countries was not an axis power during World War II?", - "correct_answer": " Soviet Union", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Italy", - "Germany", - "Japan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Star Trek", Klingons are commonly referred to as "Black Elves".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Leonardo da Vinci was not the creator of the Mona Lisa.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which game in the "Dark Souls" series does the player play as the "Ashen One"?", - "correct_answer": "Dark Souls III", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dark Souls I", - "Bloodborne", - "Demon Souls" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In 2008, British celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay believes he almost died after suffering what accident in Iceland while filming?", - "correct_answer": "Slipping off a cliff, and nearly drowning in icy water", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Crash landing when arriving at Keflavík airport", - "A minor car accident in a snowstorm", - "Being served under-cooked chicken at his hotel" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When Magic: The Gathering was first solicited, which of the following was it originally titled?", - "correct_answer": "Mana Clash", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Magic", - "Magic Clash", - "Mana Duels" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Thomas Crapper was a plumber who invented the flushing toilet.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What ability does Princess Sofia the First have from her amulet that allows her to breathe underwater?", - "correct_answer": "Mermaid Transformation", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Artificial Gills", - "Bubble Head", - "Bubble Shield" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which musical artist had a prominent role in the 2017 film "Kingsman: The Golden Circle"?", - "correct_answer": "Elton John", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lady Gaga", - "Rihanna", - "Justin Bieber" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Resident Evil 2", which virus was William Birkin mutated by?", - "correct_answer": "G-Virus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "T-Virus", - "C-Virus", - "E-Virus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Space Station 13", the station has a clown aboard it.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many games in the Crash Bandicoot series were released on the original Playstation?", - "correct_answer": "5", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "4", - "3", - "6" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The retail disc of Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 5 only comes with the tutorial.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Russian oblast forms a border with Poland?", - "correct_answer": "Kaliningrad", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Samara", - "Nizhny Novgorod", - "Omsk" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The longest place named in the United States is Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, located near Webster, MA.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which one of these scientists conducted the Gold Foil Experiment which concluded that atoms are mostly made of empty space?", - "correct_answer": "Ernest Rutherford", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Joseph John Thomson", - "Archimedes", - "Niels Henrik David Bohr" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, winch character is able to accelerate time?", - "correct_answer": "Enrico Pucci", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jotaro Kujo", - "Jolyne Cujoh", - "Kujo Jotaro" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the second-largest city in Lithuania?", - "correct_answer": "Kaunas", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Panev\u0117\u017eys", - "Vilnius", - "Klaip\u0117da" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Druid is a mage class in "Log Horizon".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of Sherlock Holmes's brother?", - "correct_answer": "Mycroft Holmes", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mederi Holmes", - "Martin Holmes", - "Herbie Hancock Holmes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which game in the "Monster Hunter" series introduced the "Insect Glaive" weapon?", - "correct_answer": "Monster Hunter 4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Monster Hunter Freedom", - 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"type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the game "Racko" you may pick up ANY card from the discard pile.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What genre of EDM is the Dutch DJ, musician, and remixer Armin van Buuren most well-known for?", - "correct_answer": "Trance", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "House", - "Drum and Bass", - "Dubstep" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which song by Swedish electronic musician Avicii samples the song "Something's Got A Hold On Me" by Etta James?", - "correct_answer": "Levels", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fade Into Darkness", - "Silhouettes", - "Seek Bromance" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When was Minecraft first released to the public?", - 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"correct_answer": "Can't Help Falling in Love", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jailhouse Rock", - "In the Ghetto", - "Wooden Heart" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the reason for the banning of episode 35 of the "Pokémon Original Series" Anime?", - "correct_answer": "Gun Usage", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Flashing Images", - "Jynx", - "Strong Violence" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The notion of a "set that contains all sets which do not contain themselves" is a paradoxical idea attributed to which English philospher?", - "correct_answer": "Bertrand Russel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Francis Bacon", - "John Locke", - "Alfred North Whitehead" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who voices Max Payne in the 2001 game "Max Payne"?", - "correct_answer": "James McCaffrey", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sam Lake", - "Troy Baker", - "Hideo Kojima" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "A bear does NOT defecate during hibernation. ", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The 1939 movie "The Wizard of Oz" contained a horse that changed color, what material did they use to achieve this effect?", - "correct_answer": "Gelatin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dye", - "Paint", - "CGI Effect" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the main antagonist of Max Payne 3 (2012)?", - "correct_answer": "Victor Branco", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Álvaro Neves", - "Armando Becker", - "Milo Rego" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" what was the name of Frank's wrestling persona?", - "correct_answer": "The Trash Man", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bird of War", - "Day Man", - "The Maniac" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the game "Subnautica", a "Spadefish" will attack you.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya" series, the SOS Brigade club leader is unknowingly treated as a(n) __ by her peers.", - "correct_answer": "God", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Alien", - "Time Traveler", - "Esper" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who voices the infamous Citadel Station A.I known as S.H.O.D.A.N, in the System Shock games?", - "correct_answer": "Terri Brosius", - "incorrect_answers": [ - " Jennifer Hale", - "Jenn Taylor", - "Lori Alan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the bloodiest single-day battle during the American Civil War?", - "correct_answer": "The Battle of Antietam", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Siege of Vicksburg", - "The Battle of Gettysburg", - "The Battles of Chancellorsville" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Season One Championship of "League of Legends", the highest achievable rank was Diamond.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "On which planet does the game Freedom Planet (2014) take place?", - "correct_answer": "Avalice", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Freedom", - "Galaxytrail", - "Shang Mu" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of the school in the anime and manga "Gosick"?", - "correct_answer": "St. Marguerite", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "St. Augustine", - "St. Mary", - "St. Bernadette" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Magic: The Gathering, which of the following was the first publicly released foil card?", - "correct_answer": "Lightning Dragon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Revenant", - "Beast of Burden", - "Dirtcowl Wurm" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following was not developed by Bethesda?", - "correct_answer": "Fallout: New Vegas", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fallout 3", - "The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim", - "Fallout 4" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When someone is inexperienced they are said to be what color?", - "correct_answer": "Green", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Red", - "Blue", - "Yellow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the closest planet to our solar system's sun?", - "correct_answer": "Mercury", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mars", - "Jupiter", - "Earth" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which artist curated the official soundtrack for "The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1"?", - "correct_answer": "Lorde", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kanye West", - "Tove Lo", - "Charli XCX" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the protagonist of the 2017 anime "Land of the Lustrous"?", - "correct_answer": "Phosphophyllite", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Watermelon Tourmaline", - "Cinnabar", - "Padparadscha" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Russian author wrote the epic novel War and Peace?", - "correct_answer": "Leo Tolstoy", - 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"difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these companies does NOT manufacture motorcycles?", - "correct_answer": "Toyota", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Honda", - "Kawasaki", - "Yamaha" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The manga JoJo's Bizarre Adventure is split into how many parts?", - "correct_answer": "8", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "6", - "4", - "3" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What musician made the song "Fuckin` Perfect" in 2010?", - "correct_answer": "P!nk", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mitis", - "Adam lambert", - "Koven" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the 4-armed Chaos Witch from the 2016 video game "Battleborn"?", - "correct_answer": "Orendi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Orendoo", - "Oranda", - "Randy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the #1 selling game on Steam by revenue in 2016?", - "correct_answer": "Sid Meier's Civilization VI", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Grand Theft Auto V", - "Counter Strike: Global Offensive", - "Dark Souls III" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "According to the lore of "Starbound", what does the "Colony Deed" do when it is placed down?", - "correct_answer": "Sends out an advertisement for someone to move in.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Teleports somebody from somewhere on the planet it is placed.", - "Teleports a random person to the location.", - "Materializes a new being at it's location." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater" was released in 2004.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was Bruce Campbell's iconic one-liner after getting a chainsaw hand in Evil Dead 2?", - "correct_answer": "Groovy.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gnarly.", - "Perfect.", - "Nice." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "For the film "Raiders of The Lost Ark", what was Harrison Ford sick with during the filming of the Cairo chase?", - "correct_answer": "Dysentery", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Anemia", - "Constipation", - "Acid Reflux " - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In which fast food chain can you order a Jamocha Shake?", - "correct_answer": "Arby's", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "McDonald's", - "Burger King", - "Wendy's" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Pokémon can learn the move "Secret Power" by leveling up?", - "correct_answer": "Audino", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Type:Null", - "Arceus", - "Silvally" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Night In The Woods, what is Mae Borowski mother's name?", - "correct_answer": "Candy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jenny", - "Margaret", - "Kate" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following blood component forms a plug at the site of injuries?", - "correct_answer": "Platelets", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Red blood cells", - "White blood cells", - "Blood plasma" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The T-Mobile Sidekick smartphone is a re-branded version of the Danger Hiptop.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the series JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, which main character makes the greatest number of recurring appearances?", - "correct_answer": "Jotaro Kujo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Giorno Giovanna", - "Joseph Joestar", - "Josuke Higashikata" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Resident Evil series, Leon S. Kennedy is a member of STARS.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which country's version of Half-Life are the HECU Marines replaced with robots?", - "correct_answer": "Germany", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Japan", - "China", - "France" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the game "Undertale", who was Mettaton's creator?", - "correct_answer": "Alphys", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Undyne", - "Sans", - "Asgore" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which computer hardware device provides an interface for all other connected devices to communicate?", - "correct_answer": "Motherboard", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Central Processing Unit", - "Hard Disk Drive", - "Random Access Memory" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the "Harry Potter" series, what is Headmaster Dumbledore's full name?", - "correct_answer": "Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Albus Valum Jetta Mobius Dumbledore", - "Albus James Lunae Otto Dumbledore", - "Albus Valencium Horatio Kul Dumbledore" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Tomb Raider" icon Lara Croft was originally called...", - "correct_answer": "Laura Cruz", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Laura Craft", - "Laura Croft", - "Lara Craft" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "If you grab the bladed end of a longsword in a specific way, you will not cut yourself.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the main character with yellow hair in the anime Naruto?", - "correct_answer": "Naruto", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ten Ten", - "Sasuke", - "Kakashi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Hunua Ranges is located in...", - "correct_answer": "New Zealand", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nepal", - "China", - "Mexico" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In World of Warcraft lore, which of the following is known as the God of Spiders in the troll's loa beliefs?", - "correct_answer": "Elortha no Shadra", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bwonsamdi", - "Hakkar", - "Shirvallah" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Aubrey Graham is better known as", - "correct_answer": "Drake", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Travis Scott", - "Lil Wayne", - "2 Chainz" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the 2012 film, "The Lorax", who is the antagonist?", - "correct_answer": "Aloysius O'Hare", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ted Wiggins", - "The Once-Ler", - "Grammy Norma" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How long did the Warsaw Uprising during World War II last?", - "correct_answer": "63 Days", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "20 Days", - "55 Days", - "224 Days" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the Super Smash Bros. series, which character was the first one to return to the series after being absent from a previous game?", - "correct_answer": "Dr. Mario", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mewtwo", - "Lucas", - "Roy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What character in the Winnie the Pooh films was added by Disney and does not appear in the original books?", - "correct_answer": "Gopher", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tigger", - "Heffalumps", - "Rabbit" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "An organism described as "heliotropic" has a tendancy to move towards which of these things?", - "correct_answer": "Light", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Water", - "Trees", - "Pollen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the PAYDAY series, who is the iconic leader of the PAYDAY gang?", - "correct_answer": "Dallas", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wolf", - "Chains", - "Hoxton" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When one is "envious", they are said to be what color?", - "correct_answer": "Green", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Red", - "Blue", - "Yellow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the indie farming game "Stardew Valley", which NPC hates the "prismatic shard" item when received as a gift?", - "correct_answer": "Haley", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Abigail ", - "Elliott", - "Lewis" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "During World War I, which nation's monarchs were blood related?", - "correct_answer": "England, Germany, Russia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "France, Russia, Germany", - "Serbia, Russia, Croatia", - "Germany, Spain, Austria" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Rush song "YYZ" derives its name from the IATA aiport identification code for which city?", - "correct_answer": "Toronto", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vancouver", - "Ottawa", - "Calgary" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many bits make up the significand portion of a single precision floating point number?", - 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"correct_answer": "Hg", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Me", - "Mc", - "Hy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is Ron Weasley's middle name?", - "correct_answer": "Bilius", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Arthur", - "John", - "Dominic" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What alcoholic drink is made from molasses?", - "correct_answer": "Rum", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gin", - "Vodka", - "Whisky" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The country song “A Boy Named Sue” was written by Shel Silverstein.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who was given the title "Full Metal" in the anime series "Full Metal Alchemist"?", - "correct_answer": "Edward Elric", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Alphonse Elric", - "Van Hohenheim", - "Izumi Curtis" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Portal 2", Cave Johnson started out Aperture Science as a shower curtain company.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these animals is NOT a lizard?", - "correct_answer": "Tuatara", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Komodo Dragon", - "Gila Monster", - "Green Iguana" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When was the Tamagotchi digital pet released?", - "correct_answer": "1996", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1989", - "1992", - "1990" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The song "Caramelldansen" is commonly mistaken as a Japanese song, what language is the song actually sung in?", - "correct_answer": "Swedish", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hungarian", - "Finnish", - "Chinese" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "During the Winter War, the amount of Soviet Union soliders that died or went missing was five times more than Finland's.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What year did "Attack on Titan" first air?", - "correct_answer": "2013", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2014", - "2012", - "2015" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the "Call Of Duty: Zombies" map "Moon", there is a secondary called the QED. What does QED stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Quantum Entanglement Device", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Quad Ectoplasmic Driver", - "Question Every Dog", - "Quality Edward Device" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "A wyvern is the same as a dragon.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Down Syndrome is usually caused by an extra copy of which chromosome?", - "correct_answer": "21", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "23", - "15", - "24" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The ancient city of Chichén Itzá was built by which civilization?", - "correct_answer": "Mayans", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Aztecs", - "Incas", - "Toltecs" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Marvel Universe, the planet of Svartalfheim is home to what race?", - "correct_answer": "Dark Elves", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Frost Giants", - "Kronans", - "Skrulls" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When Gmail first launched, how much storage did it provide for your email?", - "correct_answer": "1GB", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "512MB", - "5GB", - "Unlimited" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The "Gympie Stinger" is the deadliest plant in the world.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "All of the following are towns/villages in the Pacific Island nation of Kiribati EXCEPT:", - "correct_answer": "Urutora", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rungata", - "London", - "Washington" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Studio Ghibli is a Japanese animation studio responsible for the films "Wolf Children" and "The Boy and the Beast".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Bill Cipher in the show "Gravity Falls" is the good guy.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which car brand does NOT belong to General Motors?", - "correct_answer": "Ford", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Buick", - "Cadillac", - "Chevrolet" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The "Psycho" series of videos on YouTube was created by which of the following?", - "correct_answer": "RiDGiD STUDiOS", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dan Bell", - "Billy Familia", - "VeganGainz" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When was Google founded?", - "correct_answer": "September 4, 1998", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "October 9, 1997", - "December 12, 1989", - "Feburary 7th, 2000" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Abraham Lincoln was the first U.S. President to be born outside the borders of the thirteen original states. ", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Gwyneth Paltrow has a daughter named...?", - "correct_answer": "Apple", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lily", - "French", - "Dakota" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following anime of the mecha genre began airing in 1982?", - "correct_answer": "The Super Dimension Fortress Macross", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mobile Suit Gundam", - "Armored Trooper VOTOMS", - "Neon Genesis Evangelion" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In what year was the game "FTL: Faster Than Light" released?", - "correct_answer": "2012", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2014", - "2013", - "2011" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the tallest mountain in Canada?", - "correct_answer": "Mount Logan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mont Tremblant", - "Whistler Mountain", - "Blue Mountain" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following is the oldest of these computers by release date?", - "correct_answer": "TRS-80", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Commodore 64", - "ZX Spectrum", - "Apple 3" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which U.S. president took part in the Potsdam Conference, where the Allies reached a peace settlement with Germany?", - "correct_answer": "Harry S. Truman", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dwight D. Eisenhower", - "Franklin D. Roosevelt", - "Herbert Hoover" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Final Fantasy VI", what is the name of (summoned) Gilgamesh's weakest attack?", - "correct_answer": "Excalipoor", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Excalibore", - "Excalisnore", - "Excalisore" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The French mathematician Évariste Galois is primarily known for his work in which?", - "correct_answer": "Galois Theory", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Galois' Continued Fractions", - "Galois' Method for PDE's ", - "Abelian Integration" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "The Binding of Isaac", which item instantly kills Mom and Mom's Heart?", - "correct_answer": "The Bible", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Halo", - "Brimstone", - "Book of Shadows" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these songs is NOT in The Beatles' album "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"?", - "correct_answer": "Strawberry Fields Forever", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Getting Better", - "Fixing a Hole", - "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Terry Gilliam was an animator that worked with which British comedy group?", - "correct_answer": "Monty Python", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Goodies‎", - "The League of Gentlemen‎", - "The Penny Dreadfuls" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the game Warframe, what Mastery Rank do you need to have to build the Tigris Prime?", - "correct_answer": "13", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "6", - "18", - "10" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The word "aprosexia" means which of the following?", - "correct_answer": "The inability to concentrate on anything", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The inability to make decisions", - "A feverish desire to rip one's clothes off", - "The inability to stand up" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What mountain range lines the border between Spain and France?", - "correct_answer": "Pyrenees", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Alps", - "Carpathians", - "Urals" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What colour hair does the main character of the Yu-Gi-Oh! original anime series have?", - "correct_answer": "Red, black and yellow", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Red, yellow and green", - "Red, black and green", - "Red, purple and blue" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Scoville scale, what is the hottest chemical?", - "correct_answer": "Resiniferatoxin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Capsaicin", - "Dihydrocapsaicin", - "Tinyatoxin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these cars is NOT considered one of the 5 Modern Supercars by Ferrari?", - "correct_answer": "Testarossa", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Enzo Ferrari", - "F40", - "288 GTO" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which time signature is commonly known as “Cut Time?”", - "correct_answer": "2/2", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "4/4", - "6/8", - "3/4" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The surface area of Russia is slightly larger than that of the dwarf planet Pluto.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the world's oldest board game?", - "correct_answer": "Senet", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chess", - "Checkers", - "Go" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The city of Rockport is featured in which of the following video games?", - "correct_answer": "Need for Speed: Most Wanted (2005)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Infamous 2", - "Saints Row: The Third", - "Burnout Revenge" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the code name for the mobile operating system Android 7.0?", - "correct_answer": "Nougat", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ice Cream Sandwich", - "Jelly Bean", - "Marshmallow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the domain name for the country Tuvalu?", - "correct_answer": ".tv", - "incorrect_answers": [ - ".tu", - ".tt", - ".tl" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the stuffed lion in Bleach?", - "correct_answer": "Kon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jo", - "Urdiu", - "Chad" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these is the name of the largest city in the US state Tennessee?", - "correct_answer": "Memphis", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Thebes", - "Alexandria", - "Luxor" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Denmark has a monarch.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The 2016 United States Presidential Election is the first time Hillary Clinton has run for President.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which one of these is not a typical European sword design?", - "correct_answer": "Scimitar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Falchion", - "Ulfberht", - "Flamberge" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In computing terms, typically what does CLI stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Command Line Interface", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Common Language Input", - "Control Line Interface", - "Common Language Interface" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which one of these Swedish companies was founded in 1943?", - "correct_answer": "IKEA", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "H & M", - "Lindex", - "Clas Ohlson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following Japanese islands is the biggest?", - "correct_answer": "Honshu", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hokkaido", - "Shikoku", - "Kyushu" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Harry Potter was born on July 31st, 1980.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many women joined the United States Armed Services during World War II?", - "correct_answer": "350,000", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "225,000", - "100,000", - "500,000" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Botanically speaking, which of these fruits is NOT a berry?", - "correct_answer": "Strawberry", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Blueberry", - "Banana", - "Concord Grape" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The website "Shut Up & Sit Down" reviews which form of media?", - "correct_answer": "Board Games", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Television Shows", - "Video Games", - "Films" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Mulan (1998), who is the leader of the Huns?", - "correct_answer": "Shan Yu", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chien-Po", - "Li Shang", - "Fa Zhou" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the collective noun for bears?", - "correct_answer": "Sloth", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Drove", - "Tribe", - "Husk" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Lake Titicaca is located between which two nations?", - "correct_answer": "Peru and Bolivia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kenya and Uganda", - "Mexico and the United States", - "India and Bangladesh" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year was the video game streaming platform TwitchTV founded?", - "correct_answer": "2011", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2012", - "2010", - "2014" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The drug cartel run by Pablo Escobar originated in which South American city?", - "correct_answer": "Medellín", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bogotá", - "Quito", - "Cali" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the fastest road legal car in the world?", - "correct_answer": "Koenigsegg Agera RS", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hennessy Venom GT", - "Bugatti Veyron Super Sport", - "Pagani Huayra BC" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which popular First Person Shooter (FPS) franchise, got a Real Time Strategy (RTS) game developed based on its universe?", - "correct_answer": "Halo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Battlefield", - "Call of Duty", - "Borderlands" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Pythagorean theorem states that the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the product of the squares of the other two sides.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the capital of South Vietnam before the Vietnam War?", - "correct_answer": "Saigon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ho Chi Minh City", - "Hanoi", - "Hue" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Grant Gustin plays which superhero on the CW show of the same name?", - "correct_answer": "The Flash", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Arrow", - "Black Canary", - "Daredevil" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is "dabbing"?", - "correct_answer": "A dance", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A medical procedure", - "A sport", - "A language" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When did Jamaica recieve its independence from England? ", - "correct_answer": "1962", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1492", - "1963", - "1987" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The sum of all the numbers on a roulette wheel is 666.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Luigi is taller than Mario?", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "MacOS is based on Linux.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the oldest Disney film?", - "correct_answer": "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pinocchio", - "Dumbo", - "Fantasia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the default theme that is installed with Windows XP?", - "correct_answer": "Luna", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Neptune", - "Whistler", - "Bliss" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Netflix show, Stranger Things, what song would Will sing to himself as he was missing?", - "correct_answer": "Should I Stay or Should I Go?", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Love Will Tear Us Apart", - "This Charming Man", - "Africa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who played the sun baby in the original run of Teletubbies?", - "correct_answer": "Jessica Smith", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pui Fan Lee", - "Sue Monroe", - "Lisa Brockwell" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the game Dead by Daylight, the killer Michael Myers is refered to as "The Shape".", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""The Singing Cowboy" Gene Autry is credited with the first recording for all but which classic Christmas jingle?", - "correct_answer": "White Christmas", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Frosty the Snowman", - "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", - "Here Comes Santa Claus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the real name of the Scout in "Team Fortress 2"?", - "correct_answer": "Jeremy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lance", - "Walter", - "John" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the most common climbing route for the second highest mountain in the world, K2?", - "correct_answer": "Abruzzi Spur", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Magic Line", - "Cesen Route", - "Polish Line" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What are the names of the Ice Climbers in the video game Ice Climber?", - "correct_answer": "Popo and Nana", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Popo and Nina", - "Papi and Nana", - "Papi and Nina" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is Cynophobia the fear of?", - "correct_answer": "Dogs", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Birds", - "Flying", - "Germs" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who won the 2011 Stanley Cup?", - "correct_answer": "Boston Bruins", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Montreal Canadiens", - "New York Rangers", - "Toronto Maple Leafs" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these choices is not one of the phases of mitosis?", - "correct_answer": "Diplophase", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Metaphase", - "Anaphase", - "Telophase" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following famous mathematicians died in a duel at the age of 20?", - "correct_answer": "Galois", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Abel", - "Euler", - "Gauss" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Amazon acquired Twitch in August 2014 for $970 million dollars.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When was the movie 'Con Air' released?", - "correct_answer": "1997", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1985", - "1999", - "1990" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who wrote the 1967 horror novel "Rosemary's Baby"?", - "correct_answer": "Ira Levin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Stephen King", - "Robert Bloch", - "Mary Shelley" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "If you were to code software in this language you'd only be able to type 0's and 1's.", - "correct_answer": "Binary", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "JavaScript", - "C++", - "Python" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The computer OEM manufacturer Clevo, known for its Sager notebook line, is based in which country?", - "correct_answer": "Taiwan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "United States", - "Germany", - "China (People's Republic of)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following countries does NOT recognize Armenia as an independent country?", - "correct_answer": "Pakistan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Iran", - "Turkey", - "Azerbaijan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the fastest speed possible in Trackmania²: Stadium?", - "correct_answer": "1000 km/h", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "500 km/h", - "320 km/h", - "100 km/h" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the 2015 RPG "Undertale", which character do you first encounter after falling down into the underground?", - "correct_answer": "Flowey", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Toriel", - "Sans", - "Papyrus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""HTML" stands for Hypertext Markup Language.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the original Star Wars trilogy, Alec Guinness provided the voice for Darth Vader.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which board game was first released on February 6th, 1935?", - "correct_answer": "Monopoly", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Risk", - "Clue", - "Candy Land" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""Lift Your Spirit" is an album by which artist?", - "correct_answer": "Aloe Blacc", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lena Meyer-Landrut", - "Stevie Wonder", - "Taylor Swift" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How tall is the Burj Khalifa?", - "correct_answer": "2,722 ft", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2,717 ft", - "2,546 ft", - "3,024 ft" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the "Sailor Moon" series, what is Sailor Jupiter's civilian name?", - "correct_answer": "Makoto Kino", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Minako Aino", - "Usagi Tsukino", - "Rei Hino" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year did "Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon" air in Japan?", - "correct_answer": "1992", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1989", - "1990", - "1994" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Helen Clark was the 37th Prime Minister of Australia.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the City in Saints Row The Third?", - "correct_answer": "Steelport", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Stilwater", - "Carcer", - "Liberty" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which member of the Velvet Room is not a playable character in Persona 4 Arena Ultimax?", - "correct_answer": "Theodore", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Elizabeth", - "Margaret", - "Marie" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Until Dawn, both characters Sam and Mike cannot be killed under any means until the final chapter of the game.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who played the female lead in the 1933 film "King Kong"?", - "correct_answer": "Fay Wray", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jean Harlow", - "Vivien Leigh", - "Mae West" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which 1973 film does Yul Brynner play a robotic cowboy who malfunctions and goes on a killing\tspree?", - "correct_answer": "Westworld", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Runaway", - "Android", - "The Terminators" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the defining characteristic of someone who is described as hirsute?", - "correct_answer": "Hairy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rude", - "Funny", - "Tall" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which city did American rap producer DJ Khaled originate from?", - "correct_answer": "Miami", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "New York", - "Detroit", - "Atlanta" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is the name of a Japanese system of alternative medicine, literally meaning "finger pressure"?", - "correct_answer": "Shiatsu", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ukiyo", - "Majime", - "Ikigai" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Tetris is the #1 best-selling video game of all-time.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what Half-Life expansion can you find Gordon's picture in an "Employee of the Month" picture frame?", - "correct_answer": "Half-Life: Opposing Force", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Half-Life: Blue Shift", - "Half-Life: Decay", - "They Hunger" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The asteroid belt is located between which two planets?", - "correct_answer": "Mars and Jupiter", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jupiter and Saturn", - "Mercury and Venus", - "Earth and Mars" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What video game sparked controversy because of its hidden "Hot Coffee" minigame?", - "correct_answer": "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City", - "Hitman: Blood Money", - "Cooking Mama" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was Chapter 1 of the Source Engine mod "Underhell" released?", - "correct_answer": "September 1st, 2013", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "March 3rd, 2011", - "September 12th, 2013", - "October 2nd, 2012" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When did Lithuania declare independence from the Soviet Union?", - "correct_answer": "March 11th, 1990", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "December 25th, 1991", - "December 5th, 1991", - "April 20th, 1989" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Albert Einstein had trouble with mathematics when he was in school.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Where was Kanye West born?", - "correct_answer": "Atlanta, Georgia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chicago, Illinois", - "Los Angeles, California", - "Detroit, Michigan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the world that the MMO "RuneScape" takes place in?", - "correct_answer": "Gielinor", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Glindor", - "Azeroth", - "Zaros" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What NBC sitcom once saw two of its characters try to pitch NBC on a sitcom about nothing?", - "correct_answer": "Seinfeld", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Frasier", - "Becker", - "Friends" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Magic: The Gathering universe, the Fallen Empires expansion takes place on which continent?", - "correct_answer": "Sarpadia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Otaria", - "Terisiare", - "Shiv" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year did Skoal, a smokeless Tobacco company, release their first line of Pouches, known as "Skoal Bandits"?", - "correct_answer": "1983", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1934", - "1984", - "1822" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the official name of Prince's backing band?", - "correct_answer": "The Revolution", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Paupers", - "The Wailers", - "The Heartbreakers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The British organisation CAMRA stands for The Campaign for Real Ale.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these cities is NOT in England?", - "correct_answer": "Edinburgh", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Oxford", - "Manchester", - "Southampton" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following awards do Matt Stone and Trey Parker NOT have?", - "correct_answer": "Oscar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Emmy", - "Tony", - "Grammy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these are NOT a Men at Work song?", - "correct_answer": "Basket Case", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dr. Heckyll and Mr. Jive", - "Who Can It Be Now?", - "Be Good Johnny" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the name of the canceled projected by Blizzard Entertainment that would be later become Overwatch?", - "correct_answer": "Titan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Omnic", - "Omega", - "Ghost" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many Chaos Emeralds can you collect in the first Sonic The Hedgehog?", - "correct_answer": "Six", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Seven", - "Five", - "Eight" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the book "The Martian", how long was Mark Watney trapped on Mars (in Sols)?", - "correct_answer": "549 Days", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "765 Days", - "401 Days", - "324 Days" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "This movie contains the quote, "I love the smell of napalm in the morning!"", - "correct_answer": "Apocalypse Now", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Platoon", - "The Deer Hunter", - "Full Metal Jacket" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following European languages is classified as a "language isolate?"", - "correct_answer": "Basque", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Galician", - "Maltese", - "Hungarian" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following car manufacturers had a war named after it?", - "correct_answer": "Toyota", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Honda", - "Ford", - "Volkswagen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The internet domain .fm is the country-code top-level domain for which Pacific Ocean island nation?", - "correct_answer": "Micronesia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fiji", - "Tuvalu", - "Marshall Islands" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What does DNA stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Deoxyribonucleic Acid", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Deoxyribogenetic Acid", - "Deoxyribogenetic Atoms", - "Detoxic Acid" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the relationship between the band members of American rock band King of Leon?", - "correct_answer": "Brothers & cousins", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Childhood friends", - "Former classmates", - "Fraternity house members" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which portuguese island is soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo from?", - "correct_answer": "Madeira", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Terceira", - "Santa Maria", - "Porto Santo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How much radiation does a banana emit?", - "correct_answer": "0.1 Microsievert", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "0.3 Microsievert", - "0.5 Microsievert", - "0.7 Microsievert" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which game in the "Monster Hunter" series introduced the monster "Gobul"?", - "correct_answer": "Monster Hunter Tri", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Monster Hunter Freedom Unite", - "Monster Hunter Frontier", - "Monster Hunter Generations" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "The Simpsons", where did Homer and Marge first meet?", - "correct_answer": "At Summer Camp", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "At High School", - "At Church", - "At 742 Evergreen Terrace" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Call Of Duty: Zombies", "Richtofen" is in possession of two filled blood vials belonging to who?", - "correct_answer": "Sal DeLuca and Finn O'Leary", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Richtofen", - "Al Arlington and Sal DeLuca", - "Jessica Rose and Jack Vincent" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Puella Magi Madoka Magica", what is the first name of Madoka's younger brother?", - 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", - "correct_answer": "Subway", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Starbucks", - "McDonalds", - "KFC" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many permanent companions are there in the base game version of Fallout: New Vegas?", - "correct_answer": "8", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "7", - "9", - "6" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many stars are there to collect in Super Mario 64?", - "correct_answer": "120", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "60", - "80", - "100" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who invented the first ever chocolate bar, in 1847?", - "correct_answer": "Joseph Fry", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Andrew Johnson", - "John Cadbury", - "John Tyler" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "At which bridge does the annual Oxford and Cambridge boat race start?", - "correct_answer": "Putney", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hammersmith", - "Vauxhall ", - "Battersea" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What part of an automobile engine uses lobes to open and close intake and exhaust valves, and allows an air/fuel mixture into the engine?", - "correct_answer": "Camshaft", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Piston", - "Drive shaft", - "Crankshaft" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Norwegian producer Kygo released a remix of the song "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which famous rapper is featured in Jack Ü (Skrillex and Diplo)'s 2015 single called "Febreze"?", - "correct_answer": "2 Chainz", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kendrick Lamar", - "Future", - "Fatman Scoop" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The original Roman alphabet lacked the following letters EXCEPT:", - "correct_answer": "X", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "W", - "U", - "J" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the capital of the US state Nevada?", - "correct_answer": "Carson City", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Las Vegas", - "Henderson", - "Reno" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the 2010 Nightmare on Elm Street reboot, who played Freddy Kruger?", - "correct_answer": "Jackie Earle Haley", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tyler Mane", - "Derek Mears", - "Gunnar Hansen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "During the Roman Triumvirate of 42 BCE, what region of the Roman Republic was given to Lepidus?", - "correct_answer": "Hispania ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Italia", - "Gallia", - "Asia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Jurassic World", what is the name of the dinosaur that is a genetic hybrid?", - "correct_answer": "Indominus Rex", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mosasaurus", - "Pteranodon", - "Tyrannosaurus Rex " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Monster Hunter Generations, which of these hunter arts are exclusive to the Longsword?", - "correct_answer": "Unhinged Spirit", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shoryugeki", - "Provoke", - "Demon Riot" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year was Red Hot Chill Pepper's album "Californication" released?", - "correct_answer": "1999", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1997", - "2000", - "1992" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is lost in Hawaiian and is also the name of a little girl in a 2002 film which features a alien named "Stitch"?", - "correct_answer": "Lilo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lolo", - "Lucy", - "Lulu" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "A Certain Magical Index," what is Accelerator able to control?", - "correct_answer": "Vectors", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Velocity", - "Quantums", - "Wormholes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the "Jurassic Park" universe, what is the name of the island that contains InGen's Site B?", - "correct_answer": "Isla Sorna", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Isla Nublar", - "Isla Pena", - "Isla Muerta" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who played "Charlie Price" in the musical "Kinky Boots" on Broadway in New York from May 26th - Aug 6th 2017?", - "correct_answer": "Brendon Urie", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ed Sheeren", - "Tom Cruise", - "Dallon Weekes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the capital of Mauritius?", - "correct_answer": "Port Louis", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Port Moresby", - "Port Vila", - "Port-au-Prince" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which sign of the zodiac comes between Virgo and Scorpio?", - "correct_answer": "Libra", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gemini", - "Taurus", - "Capricorn" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Chobits, Hideki found Chii in his apartment.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Japanese music group was formed to produce theme music for the anime "Guilty Crown"?", - "correct_answer": "Egoist", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Goose house", - "Babymetal", - "Garnidelia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How long is an IPv6 address?", - "correct_answer": "128 bits", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "32 bits", - "64 bits", - "128 bytes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which American manufactured submachine gun was informally known by the American soldiers that used it as "Grease Gun"?", - "correct_answer": "M3", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Colt 9mm", - "Thompson", - "MAC-10" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which part from the JoJo's Bizarre Adventure manga is about a horse race across America?", - "correct_answer": "Part 7: Steel Ball Run", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Part 6: Stone Ocean", - "Part 3: Stardust Crusaders", - "Part 5: Golden Wind" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the game "Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon", what is the central protagonist's name?", - "correct_answer": "Marth", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Roy", - "Eliwood", - "Robin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which country claims ownership of the disputed state Kosovo?", - "correct_answer": "Serbia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Croatia", - "Albania", - "Macedonia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the world's longest venomous snake?", - "correct_answer": "King Cobra", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Green Anaconda", - "Inland Taipan", - "Yellow Bellied Sea Snake" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who painted the Mona Lisa?", - "correct_answer": "Leonardo da Vinci", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pablo Picasso", - "Claude Monet", - "Vincent van Gogh" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In 1993 Swedish car manufacturer Saab experimented with replacing the steering wheel with a joystick in a Saab 9000.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which naval battle was considered the turning point of the Pacific Ocean Theater during World War 2?", - "correct_answer": "Battle of Midway", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Attack on Truk Island", - "Attack on Pearl Harbor", - "Battle of the Coral Sea" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the name of the security vulnerability found in Bash in 2014?", - "correct_answer": "Shellshock", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Heartbleed", - "Bashbug", - "Stagefright" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Kangaroos keep food in their pouches next to their children.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater" takes place on Shadow Moses Island.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the game Nuclear Throne, what organization chases the player character throughout the game?", - "correct_answer": "The I.D.P.D", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Fishmen", - "The Bandits", - "The Y.V.G.G" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which character does voice actress Tara Strong NOT voice?", - "correct_answer": "Bubbles (2016)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Twilight Sparkle", - "Timmy Turner", - "Harley Quinn" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Alfred Hitchcock's film 'Psycho' it is said he used chocolate syrup to simulate the blood in the famous shower scene from ", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The French word to travel is "Travail"", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Capcom's survival horror title Dead Rising, canonically starts on what day of September 2006?", - "correct_answer": "September 19th", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "September 21st", - "September 30th", - "September 14th" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In PROTOTYPE 2, which of the following abilities/weapons is NOT obtained by an Evolved?", - "correct_answer": "Tendrils", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Blade", - "Bio-Bomb", - "Pack Leader" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In most programming languages, the operator ++ is equivalent to the statement "+= 1".", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which slogan did the fast food company, McDonald's, use before their "I'm Lovin' It" slogan?", - "correct_answer": "We Love to See You Smile", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Why Pay More!?", - "Have It Your Way", - "Making People Happy Through Food" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the original name of the search engine "Google"?", - "correct_answer": "BackRub", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "CatMassage", - "SearchPro", - "Netscape Navigator" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Margaret Atwood's "The Handmaid's Tale", what is Offred's real name is implied to be?", - "correct_answer": "June", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "August", - "April", - "May" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Sonic the Hedgehog game introudced Knuckles the Echidna?", - "correct_answer": "Sonic the Hedgehog 3", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sonic the Hedgehog 2", - "Sonic & Knuckles", - "Sonic Adventure" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Billy Herrington is from which US state?", - "correct_answer": "New York", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Arizona", - "California", - "Georgia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Battle Cats", what is Moneko / MISS Moneko's critical percentage rate?", - "correct_answer": "15%", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "20%", - "10%", - "25%" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""Decapods" are an order of ten-footed crustaceans. Which of these are NOT decapods?", - "correct_answer": "Krill", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lobsters", - "Shrimp", - "Crabs" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which country did Kabaddi, a contact sport involving tackling, originate from?", - "correct_answer": "India", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Australia", - "Turkey", - "Cambodia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following sports is not part of the triathlon?", - "correct_answer": "Horse-Riding", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cycling", - "Swimming", - "Running" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Arcade Fire's 'The Suburbs' won the Album of the Year award in the 2011 Grammys.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Harry Potter universe, who does Draco Malfoy end up marrying?", - "correct_answer": "Astoria Greengrass", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pansy Parkinson", - "Millicent Bulstrode", - "Hermione Granger" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which member of the English band "The xx" released their solo album "In Colour" in 2015?", - "correct_answer": "Jamie xx", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Romy Madley Croft", - "Oliver Sim", - "Baria Qureshi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Donald J. Trump's Middle Name is...", - "correct_answer": "John", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jeff", - "Jerald", - "Jason" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which infamous European traitor was known as "the last person to enter Parliament with honest intentions"?", - "correct_answer": "Guy Fawkes", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Robert Catesby", - "Francis Tresham", - "Everard Digby" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Splatoon, the Squid Sisters are named Tako and Yaki.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many times do you fight the Imprisoned in The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword?", - "correct_answer": "3", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2", - "4", - "5" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In CSS, which of these values CANNOT be used with the "position" property?", - "correct_answer": "center", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "static", - "absolute", - "relative" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the year 1818, novelist Mary Shelly is credited with writing a fiction novel and creating this infamous character.", - "correct_answer": "Frankenstein's monster", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dracula", - "The Thing", - "The Invisible Man" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What block in Minecraft has the highest blast resistance?", - "correct_answer": "Barrier", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Obsidian", - "Bedrock", - "Block of Diamond" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was Mountain Dew's original slogan?", - "correct_answer": "Yahoo! Mountain Dew... It'll tickle your innards!", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Give Me A Dew", - "Do The Dew", - "Get' that barefoot feelin' drinkin' Mountain Dew" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the 2016 Global Peace Index poll, out of 163 countries, what was the United States of America ranked?", - "correct_answer": "103", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "10", - "59", - "79" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the 2011 TV anime series, "THE iDOLM@STER", what was the name of Iori's stuffed toy bunny?", - "correct_answer": "Charles", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bubsy", - "Kero", - "Usagi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which day did World War I begin?", - "correct_answer": "July 28", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "January 28", - "June 28", - "April 28" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Nutcracker Suite was one of the musical pieces featured in Disney's 1940's film Fantasia.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who did the score to the original Blade Runner?", - "correct_answer": "Vangelis", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kitaro", - "Yanni", - "Enya" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was the Sega Genesis released in Japan?", - "correct_answer": "October 29, 1988", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "August 14, 1989", - "November 30, 1990", - "September 1, 1986" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Roman Numerals, what does XL equate to?", - "correct_answer": "40", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "60", - "15", - "90" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Undertale" is an RPG created by Toby Fox and released in 2015.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who wrote the award winning musical "In The Heights"?", - "correct_answer": "Lin-Manuel Miranda", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Steven Sondheim", - "Francis Scott Key", - "John Phillips Sousa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the game "Cave Story," what is the character Balrog's catchphrase?", - "correct_answer": "Huzzah!", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Yes!", - "Whoa there!", - "Nyeh heh heh!" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the video game Overwatch, which playable character is infamous for saying "It's high noon."?", - "correct_answer": "McCree", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hanzo", - "Pharah", - "Soldier: 76" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is attributed credit for recording the epic poem The Odyssey?", - "correct_answer": "Homer", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Aristotle", - "Odysseus", - "Socrates" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Pokémon, Arbok evolves into Seviper.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the English voice actor for Sora from the Kingdom Hearts series?", - "correct_answer": "Haley Joel Osment", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "K\u014dki Uchiyama", - "Jesse McCartney", - "Miyu Irino" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following games in the The Legend of Zelda franchise was released in North America before Japan?", - "correct_answer": "The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Zelda II: The Adventure of Link", - "The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures", - "The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the release date of "Grand Theft Auto IV"?", - "correct_answer": "April 29, 2008", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "May 21, 2009", - "June 22, 2010", - "July 28, 2008" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is a synonym for the disease known as silicosis.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the main character's name in "Braid"?", - "correct_answer": "Tim", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Boregard", - "James", - "Jackson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the collective noun for vultures?", - "correct_answer": "Wake", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ambush", - "Building", - "Gaze" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who won the premier league title in the 2015-2016 season following a fairy tale run?", - "correct_answer": "Leicester City", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tottenham Hotspur", - "Watford", - "Stoke City" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Foie gras is a French delicacy typically made from what part of a duck or goose?", - "correct_answer": "Liver", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Heart", - "Stomach", - "Intestines" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following dice is not a platonic solid?", - "correct_answer": "10-sided die", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "12-sided die", - "20-sided die", - "8-sided die" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Nintendo Game Splatoon 2, what is Marina's screen name?", - "correct_answer": "DJ_Hyperfresh", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "MC.princess", - "Kidnotsquid123", - "I<30ffTh3H00k" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the video game DOTA 2, which of these is NOT a hero?", - "correct_answer": "Dragon Champion", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dark Seer", - "Keeper of the Light", - "Mirana" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What disease crippled President Franklin D. Roosevelt and led him to help the nation find a cure? ", - "correct_answer": "Polio", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cancer", - "Meningitis", - "HIV" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Red Hot Chili Pepper song "Give It Away" is from what album?", - "correct_answer": "Blood Sugar Sex Magik", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "One Hot Minute", - "By the Way", - "Stadium Arcadium" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the relationship between Rick and Morty in the show "Rick and Morty"?", - "correct_answer": "Grandfather and Grandson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Father and Son", - "Best Friends", - "Crimefighting Partners" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Inuyasha", what are the heros are looking to collect?", - "correct_answer": "Jewel Shards", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dragon Balls", - "Rave Stones", - "Sacred Stones" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the romanized Russian word for "winter"?", - "correct_answer": "Zima", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Leto", - "Vesna", - "Osen'" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Theodore Roosevelt Jr. was the only General involved in the initial assault on D-Day.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the real name of the famous spanish humorist, El Risitas?", - "correct_answer": "Juan Joya Borga", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gabriel Garcia Marquez", - "Jesus Quintero", - "Ernesto Guevara" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "George W. Bush lost the popular vote in the 2004 United States presidential election.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""Drink the Sea" is an album by which electronic music artist?", - "correct_answer": "The Glitch Mob", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Avicii", - "XXYYXX", - "Flux Pavilion" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Star Trek, what is the name of Spock's father?", - "correct_answer": "Sarek", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tuvok", - "T'Pal", - "Surak" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Starbound", what is the max HP of the monster "Punchy"?", - "correct_answer": "50,000 HP", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "9,000,000 HP", - "100 HP", - "150,000 HP" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the "To Love-Ru" series, Peke is considered a female robot.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In 1978, Superman teamed up with what celebrity, to defeat an alien invasion?", - "correct_answer": "Muhammad Ali", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mike Tyson", - "Sylvester Stallone", - "Arnold Schwarzenegger" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of Funny Valentine's stand in Jojo's Bizarre Adventure Part 7, Steel Ball Run?", - "correct_answer": "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Filthy Acts Done For A Reasonable Price", - "Civil War", - "God Bless The USA" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which song made by MAN WITH A MISSION was used as the opening for the anime "Log Horizon"?", - "correct_answer": ""Database"", - "incorrect_answers": [ - ""Dead End in Tokyo"", - ""Raise Your Flag"", - ""Out of Control"" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Doki Doki Literature Club was developed in Japan.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Night In The Woods, where does Gregg work?", - "correct_answer": "Snack Falcon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ol' Pickaxe", - "Video Outpost "Too"", - "Food Donkey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Call Of Duty: Black Ops II, who is the main antagonist?", - "correct_answer": "Raul Menéndez ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vladimir Makarov ", - "Frank Woods", - "DeFalco" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who starred in the film 1973 movie "Enter The Dragon"?", - "correct_answer": "Bruce Lee", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jackie Chan", - "Jet Li", - " Yun-Fat Chow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who played Agent Fox Mulder in the TV sci-fi drama "The X-Files"?", - "correct_answer": "David Duchovny", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gillian Anderson", - "Robert Patrick", - "Mitch Pileggi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many dots are on a single die?", - "correct_answer": "21", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "24", - "15", - "18" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following Assyrian kings did NOT rule during the Neo-Assyrian Empire?", - "correct_answer": "Shamshi-Adad III", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shalmaneser V", - "Esharhaddon", - "Ashur-nasir-pal II" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "On which day did the World Wide Web go online?", - "correct_answer": "December 20, 1990", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "December 17, 1996", - "November 12, 1990", - "November 24, 1995" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What alcoholic drink is mainly made from juniper berries?", - "correct_answer": "Gin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vodka", - "Rum", - "Tequila" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the name of Ross' pet monkey on "Friends"?", - "correct_answer": "Marcel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jojo", - "George", - "Champ" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Fallout series, on which date did The Great War happen?", - "correct_answer": "October 23rd, 2077", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "May 15th, 2058", - "December 14th, 2069", - "November 5th, 2076" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following languages does NOT use gender as a part of its grammar?", - "correct_answer": "Turkish", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "German", - "Danish", - "Polish" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The song "Mystery Train" was released by artist "Little Junior's Blue Flames" in 1953.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which one of the following is NOT a sub-company of the Volkswagen Group?", - "correct_answer": "Opel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Porsche", - "Bugatti", - "Bentley" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Dihydrogen Monoxide was banned due to health risks after being discovered in 1983 inside swimming pools and drinking water.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the plane of existence in MicroProse's 1997 "Magic the Gathering"?", - "correct_answer": "Shandalar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Theros", - "Ravnica", - "Amonkhet" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The commercial UK channel ITV stands for "International Television".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following computer components can be built using only NAND gates?", - "correct_answer": "ALU", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "CPU", - "RAM", - "Register" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the game Sonic Forces, which of the following was not from a previous game?", - "correct_answer": "Infinite", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Metal Sonic", - "Zavoc", - "Chaos" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of a popular franchise that includes placing blocks down and surviving in an open world? ", - "correct_answer": "Minecraft", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Unturned", - "Roblox", - "Grand Theft Auto V" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many times did Martina Navratilova win the Wimbledon Singles Championship?", - "correct_answer": "Nine", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ten", - "Seven", - "Eight" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which company did Valve cooperate with in the creation of the Vive?", - "correct_answer": "HTC", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Oculus", - "Google", - "Razer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which anime heavily features music from the genre "Eurobeat"?", - "correct_answer": "Initial D", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wangan Midnight", - "Kino no Tabi", - "Cowboy Bebop" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "If a "360 no-scope" is one full rotation before shooting, how many rotations would a "1080 no-scope" be?", - "correct_answer": "3", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "4", - "2", - "5" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the chemical makeup of water?", - "correct_answer": "H20", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "C12H6O2", - "CO2", - "H" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "During the Wars of the Roses (1455 - 1487) which Englishman was dubbed "the Kingmaker"?", - "correct_answer": "Richard Neville", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Richard III", - "Henry V", - "Thomas Warwick" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which letter do you need to have on a European driver license in order to ride any motorbikes?", - "correct_answer": "A", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "X", - "D", - "B" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the show, Doctor Who, what does T.A.R.D.I.S stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Time And Relative Dimensions In Space", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Time And Resting Dimensions In Space", - "Time And Relative Dimensions In Style", - "Toilet Aid Rope Dog Is Soup" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "To the nearest whole number, how many radians are in a whole circle?", - "correct_answer": "6", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "3", - "4", - "5" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Pre-Super Genesis universe of "Sonic the Hedgehog" comic, what was the name of Sally Acorn's brother?", - "correct_answer": "Elias Acorn", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Maximillian Acorn", - "Alexis Acorn", - "Frederick Acorn" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these television shows makes everyone look under their chair?", - "correct_answer": "Oprah", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jimmy Fallon", - "Saturday Night Live", - "Larry Rubert" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When does Finland celebrate their independence day?", - "correct_answer": "December 6th", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "January 2nd", - "November 12th", - "February 8th" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the first track on Kanye West's 808s & Heartbreak?", - "correct_answer": "Say You Will", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Welcome to Heartbreak", - "Street Lights", - "Heartless" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "The Amazing World of Gumball", who is the principal of Elmore Junior High?", - "correct_answer": "Principal Brown", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Principal Small", - "Principal Brawn", - "Principal Simeon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Wilt Chamberlain scored his infamous 100-point-game against the New York Knicks in 1962.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of Cream the Rabbit's mom in the "Sonic the Hedgehog" series?", - "correct_answer": "Vanilla", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Peach", - "Strawberry", - "Mint" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these cities has a 4° East longitude. ", - "correct_answer": "Amsterdam", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rio de Janero", - "Toronto", - "Hong Kong" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How long is a light-year?", - "correct_answer": "9.461 Trillion Kilometres", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1 AU", - "105.40 Earth-years", - "501.2 Million Miles" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the sum of all the tiles in a standard box of Scrabble?", - "correct_answer": "187", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "207", - "197", - "177" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Ed Koch, the Mayor of New York in 1984, played himself in which Muppets movie?", - "correct_answer": "The Muppets Take Manhattan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Great Muppet Caper", - "The Muppet Christmas Carol", - "The Muppet Movie" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The teapot often seen in many 3D modeling applications is called what?", - "correct_answer": "Utah Teapot", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pixar Teapot", - "3D Teapot", - "Tennessee Teapot" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following is not an Ivy League University?", - "correct_answer": "Stanford", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "University of Pennsylvania", - "Harvard", - "Princeton" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the powerhouse of the cell?", - "correct_answer": "Mitochondria", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ribosome", - "Redbull", - "Nucleus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Battle of the Somme in World War I took place in which country?", - "correct_answer": "France", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Germany", - "Italy", - "Austria" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Toronto landmark was featured on the cover art of Canadian rapper Drake's 2016 album "Views"?", - "correct_answer": "CN Tower", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Allan Gardens", - "Union Station", - "Prince of Wales Theatre" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The alternative rock band, They Might Be Giants, released their album 'Flood' in 1990. ", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which one of these rappers is NOT a member of the rap group Wu-Tang Clan?", - "correct_answer": "Dr.Dre", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ol' Dirty Bastard", - "GZA", - "Method Man" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Scandinavian languages, the letter Å means river.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "E = MC3", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is known as "the brain" of the Computer?", - "correct_answer": "Central Processing Unit", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Motherboard", - "Graphics Processing Unit", - "Keyboard" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What programming language was used to create the game "Minecraft"?", - "correct_answer": "Java", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "HTML 5", - "C++", - "Python" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who became Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in July 2016?", - "correct_answer": "Theresa May", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Boris Johnson", - "David Cameron", - "Tony Blair" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The coat of arms of the King of Spain contains the arms from the monarchs of Castille, Leon, Aragon and which other former Iberian kingdom?", - "correct_answer": "Navarre", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Galicia", - "Granada", - "Catalonia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the character Nicolas Cage plays in the movie "National Treasure?"", - "correct_answer": "Benjamin Franklin Gates", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Thomas Jefferson Walker", - "George Washington Swanson", - "John Quincy Beckett" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Tony Hawk's extreme sports videogames revolve around performing professional BMX tricks.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which is the longest bone in the human body? ", - "correct_answer": "Femur", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Scapula", - "Fibula", - "Ulna" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many planets are in our Solar System?", - "correct_answer": "Eight", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nine", - "Seven", - "Ten" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which part of the body does glaucoma affect?", - "correct_answer": "Eyes", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Throat", - "Stomach", - "Blood" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who won the 2016 Formula 1 World Driver's Championship?", - "correct_answer": "Nico Rosberg", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lewis Hamilton", - "Max Verstappen", - "Kimi Raikkonen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the General Mills Corporation's monster cereals was the last to be released in the 1970's?", - "correct_answer": "Fruit Brute", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Count Chocula", - "Franken Berry", - "Boo-Berry" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many regular Sunken Sea Scrolls are there in "Splatoon"?", - "correct_answer": "27", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "32", - "30", - "5" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is not a playable race in "Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn"?", - "correct_answer": "Hume", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Miqo'te", - "Lalafell", - "Roegadyn" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Call Of Duty: Zombies", what does the game traditionally reward you for completing a boss round?", - "correct_answer": "Max Ammo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A Pack-A-Punched gun", - "Death Machine", - "Monkey Bombs" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The board game "Ra" was designed by which designer? ", - "correct_answer": "Reiner Knizia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bruno Cathala", - "Uwe Rosenburg", - "Allison Kline" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which gaming series includes "The Diabolical Box" and "The Curious Village"?", - "correct_answer": "Professor Layton", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Persona", - "Etrian Odyssey", - "Sam & Max" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following is the term for "surgical complications resulting from surgical sponges left inside the patient's body?", - "correct_answer": "Gossypiboma", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gongoozler", - "Jentacular", - "Meupareunia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many time zones are in Russia?", - "correct_answer": "11", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "8", - "5", - "2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is not a member of the virtual band Gorillaz?", - "correct_answer": "Phi Cypher", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Murdoc Niccals", - "Noodle", - "Russel Hobbs" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Two and a Half Men, what is Alan Harper's son's name?", - "correct_answer": "Jake", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "John", - "Jeremy", - "James" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which band had hits in 1972 with the songs "Baby I'm A Want You", "Everything I Own" and "The Guitar Man"", - "correct_answer": "Bread", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "America", - "Chicago", - "Smokie" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "To the nearest minute, how long does it take for light to travel from the Sun to the Earth?", - "correct_answer": "8 Minutes", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "6 Minutes", - "2 Minutes", - "12 Minutes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "All of the following programs are classified as raster graphics editors EXCEPT:", - "correct_answer": "Inkscape", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Paint.NET", - "GIMP", - "Adobe Photoshop" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "EDM producer Marshmello performs live wearing clothes and a marshmallow mask of what colour?", - "correct_answer": "White", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Black", - "Blue", - "Yellow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the final boss in Turok: Dinosaur Hunter?", - "correct_answer": "The Campaigner", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Primagen", - "Oblivion", - "Lord Tyrannus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Highschool of the Dead", where did Komuro and Saeko establish to meet after the bus explosion?", - "correct_answer": "Eastern Police Station", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Center Mall", - "Komuro's House", - "On The Main Bridge" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who played Sgt. Gordon Elias in 'Platoon' (1986)?", - "correct_answer": "Willem Dafoe", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Charlie Sheen", - "Matt Damon", - "Johnny Depp" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "JoJo's Bizarre Adventure", which of the following Stands does NOT have a time-based ability?", - "correct_answer": "20th Century Boy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Made in Heaven", - "Star Platinum", - "The World" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Big Hero 6, what fictional city is the Big Hero 6 from?", - "correct_answer": "San Fransokyo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "San Tokyo", - "Tokysisco", - "Sankyo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the name of the rock band that Nobuo Uematsu formed that played songs from various Final Fantasy games?", - "correct_answer": "The Black Mages", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Final Fantasies", - "The Espers", - "The Rock Summoners" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The World Chess Championship in Chess, Act 1 is set in which Italian city?", - "correct_answer": "Merano", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Venice", - "Milan", - "Rome" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these cities does NOT have a United States Minting location?", - "correct_answer": "St. Louis, MO", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "San Fransisco, CA", - "Philidelphia, PA", - "West Point, NY" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which major extinction event was caused by an asteroid collision and eliminated the majority of non-avian dinosaurs?", - "correct_answer": "Cretaceous-Paleogene", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Triassic–Jurassic", - "Permian–Triassic", - "Ordovician–Silurian" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Geometry Dash, what is level 13?", - "correct_answer": "Electroman Adventures", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Theory of Everything", - "Clubstep ", - "Clutterfunk" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "About how much money did it cost for Tommy Wiseau to make his masterpiece "The Room" (2003)?", - "correct_answer": "$6 Million", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "$20,000", - "$1 Million", - "$10 Million" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Skylanders Giants, why was Zaps' Wow Pow named "For Riley" ?", - "correct_answer": "As a tribute to a fan who passed away", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "As a reference to a film", - "After one of the writers of the game", - "After a voice actor" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What are the three starter Pokemon available in Pokemon Black and White?", - "correct_answer": "Snivy, Tepig, Oshawott", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Snivy, Fennekin, Froakie", - "Chespin, Tepig, Froakie", - "Chespin, Fennekin, Oshawott" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Whose 2016 presidential campaign slogan was "Make America Great Again"?", - "correct_answer": "Donald Trump", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ted Cruz", - "Marco Rubio", - "Bernie Sanders" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the British professional wrestler Shirley Crabtree better known as?", - "correct_answer": "Big Daddy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Giant Haystacks", - "Kendo Nagasaki", - "Masambula" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the name of the sea witch in the 1989 Disney film "The Little Mermaid"?", - "correct_answer": "Ursula", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Madam Mim", - "Maleficent", - "Lady Tremaine" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which one of the following titles by Valve is not based on a Community Mod?", - "correct_answer": "Ricochet", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Day of Defeat", - "Counter-Strike", - "Alien Swarm" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "According to Norse mythology, Loki is a mother.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Brandon Routh plays the titular character in the movie "John Wick".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Linus Sebastian is the creator of the Linux kernel, which went on to be used in Linux, Android, and Chrome OS.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is not a character in the game, "Lethal League"?", - "correct_answer": "Rex", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Switch", - "Candyman", - "Sonata" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following actors portrayed the Ninth Doctor in the British television show "Doctor Who"?", - "correct_answer": "Christopher Eccleston", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "David Tennant", - "Matt Smith", - "Tom Baker" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Quadrangularis Reversum is best described as which of the following?", - "correct_answer": "A percussion instrument", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A building in Oxford University", - "A chess move", - "A geometric theorem" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the Zodiac symbol for Gemini?", - "correct_answer": "Twins", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fish", - "Scales", - "Maiden" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Donald Duck played the role of Bob Cratchit in Disney's 1983 adaptation of A Christmas Carol.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What car manufacturer gave away their patent for the seat-belt in the interest of saving lives?", - "correct_answer": "Volvo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ferrari", - "Ford", - "Renault" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was Bon Iver's debut album released in 2007?", - "correct_answer": "For Emma, Forever Ago", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bon Iver, Bon Iver", - "22, A Million", - "Blood Bank EP" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the name of the first Bulgarian personal computer?", - "correct_answer": "IMKO-1", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pravetz 82", - "Pravetz 8D", - "IZOT 1030" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Hallelujah" is a song written by which Canadian recording artist?", - "correct_answer": "Leonard Cohen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kory Lefkowits", - "Ryan Letourneau ", - "Justin Bieber " - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In aerodynamics, which force pushes an object upwards?", - "correct_answer": "Lift", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Drag", - "Weight", - "Thrust" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Where did the dog breed "Chihuahua" originate?", - "correct_answer": "Mexico", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "France", - "Spain", - "Russia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the anime, Full Metal Panic!, who is Kaname's best friend?", - "correct_answer": "Kyoko Tokiwa", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Melissa Mao", - "Ren Mikihara", - "Teletha "Tessa" Testarossa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "If you play the Super Mario RPG and nap in a rented hotel room, you will wake up next to what familiar looking character?", - "correct_answer": "Link", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wario", - "Q*bert", - "Solid Snake" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The stop motion comedy show "Robot Chicken" was created by which of the following?", - "correct_answer": "Seth Green", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Seth MacFarlane", - "Seth Rogen", - "Seth Rollins" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The novel "Of Mice And Men" was written by what author? ", - "correct_answer": "John Steinbeck ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "George Orwell", - "Mark Twain ", - "Harper Lee" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these songs by artist Eminem contain the lyric "Nice to meet you. Hi, my name is... I forgot my name!"?", - "correct_answer": "Rain Man", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Without Me", - "Kim", - "Square Dance" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What ingredients are required to make a cake in Minecraft?", - "correct_answer": "Milk, Sugar, Egg, and Wheat", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Milk, Bread, Egg, and Wheat", - "Milk, Sugar Cane, Egg, and Wheat", - "Milk, Sugar, and Wheat" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many chromosomes are in your body cells?", - "correct_answer": "23", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "21", - "22", - "24" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which song in Drake's "Views" features Future?", - "correct_answer": "Grammys", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Too Good", - "Faithful", - "Pop Style" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The voice actor for which Portal 2 character was not a TV or film actor prior to the game?", - "correct_answer": "GLaDOS", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cave Johnson", - "Wheatley", - "Atlas / P-Body" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The band STRFKR was also briefly known as Pyramiddd.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the movie "Blade Runner", what is the term used for human-like androids ?", - "correct_answer": "Replicants", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cylons", - "Synthetics", - "Skinjobs" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the common, gun-toting enemies of the "Oddworld" video game series?", - "correct_answer": "Sligs", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Scrabs", - "Slogs", - "Glukkons" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the planet that the Doctor from television series "Doctor Who" comes from?", - "correct_answer": "Gallifrey", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sontar", - "Skaro", - "Mondas" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following is NOT a word used to describe an earthquake?", - "correct_answer": "Drop-slide", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Foreshock", - "Strike-slip", - "Temblor" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following was not one of Joseph Stalin's ten blows during World War II?", - "correct_answer": "Vistula-Oder Offensive", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Crimean Offensive", - "Leningrad-Novgorod Offensive", - "Operation Bagration" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The title of the 1969 film "Krakatoa, East_of Java" is incorrect, as Krakatoa is in fact west of Java.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which TV chef wrote an autobiography titled "Humble Pie"?", - "correct_answer": "Gordon Ramsay", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jamie Oliver", - "Ainsley Harriott", - "Antony Worrall Thompson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many states are in Australia?", - "correct_answer": "6", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "7", - "8", - "5" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many spaces are there on a standard Monopoly board?", - "correct_answer": "40", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "28", - "55", - "36" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which is the largest city in Morocco?", - "correct_answer": "Casablanca", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rabat", - "Fes", - "Sale" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the main ship used by Commander Shepard in the Mass Effect Franchise called?", - "correct_answer": "Normandy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Osiris", - "Infinity", - "Endeavour" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the chemical element Curium named after?", - "correct_answer": "Marie & Pierre Curie", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Curiosity Rover", - "Curious George", - "Stephen Curry" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was Frank West's job in "Dead Rising"?", - "correct_answer": "Photojournalist", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Janitor", - "Chef", - "Taxi Driver" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the anime Black Butler, who is betrothed to be married to Ciel Phantomhive?", - "correct_answer": "Elizabeth Midford", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rachel Phantomhive", - "Alexis Leon Midford", - "Angelina Dalles" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Battle of Trafalgar took place on October 23rd, 1805", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who plays the character of Po in the Kung Fu Panda movies?", - "correct_answer": "Jack Black", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mirana Jonnes", - "McConahey Ramses", - "Jim Petersson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Mobile hardware and software company "Blackberry Limited" was founded in which country?", - "correct_answer": "Canada", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Norway", - "United States of America", - "United Kingdom" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these characters live in a pineapple under the sea in the cartoon "SpongeBob SquarePants".", - "correct_answer": "SpongeBob SquarePants ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Patrick Star", - "Squidward Tentacles", - "Mr. Krabs" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Magic: The Gathering", during the design for Planar Chaos, what color did the developers think of adding in as the sixth color?", - "correct_answer": "Purple", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Brown", - "Pink", - "Orange" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which sport is NOT traditionally played during the Mongolian Naadam festival?", - "correct_answer": "American Football", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wrestling", - "Archery", - "Horse-Racing" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which one of the first four titles of the "Grand Theft Auto" franchise started the series of iconic image grid cover arts?", - "correct_answer": "Grand Theft Auto III", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Grand Theft Auto", - "Grand Theft Auto II", - "Grand Theft Auto Vice City" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the number of keys on a standard Windows Keyboard?", - "correct_answer": "104", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "64", - "94", - "76" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When Halo 3: ODST was unveiled in 2008, it had a different title. What was the game formally called?", - "correct_answer": "Halo 3: Recon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Halo 3: Helljumpers", - "Halo 3: Phantom", - "Halo 3: Guerilla" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which state of the United States is the smallest?", - "correct_answer": "Rhode Island ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Maine", - "Vermont", - "Massachusetts" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""Typewriter" is the longest word that can be typed using only the first row on a QWERTY keyboard.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the play Oedipus Rex, Oedipus kills his father due to jealousy in loving his mother.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the first "Team Fortress 2" update to include a war?", - "correct_answer": "Sniper vs. Spy Update", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "WAR! Update", - "Meet Your Match Update", - "Spy Vs. Engineer Update" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the FIRST Valve game to have VR?", - "correct_answer": "The Lab", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dota 2", - "Destinations", - "Half-Life 2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which survivor in Left 4 Dead sacrificed themself to save the other survivors?", - "correct_answer": "Bill", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Louis", - "Francis", - "Zoey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the first monster to appear alongside Godzilla?", - "correct_answer": "Anguirus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "King Kong", - "Mothra", - "King Ghidora" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In 2013, virtual pop-star Hatsune Miku had a sponsorship with which pizza chain?", - "correct_answer": "Domino's", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Papa John's", - "Pizza Hut", - "Sabarro's" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Björk's "Unison" contains a sample of which Oval song?", - "correct_answer": "Aero Deck", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Textuell", - "Panorama", - "Do While" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Pamina and Papageno are characters in what Mozart opera?", - "correct_answer": "The Magic Flute", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Marriage of Figaro", - "The Impresario", - "The Goose of Cairo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which country will host the 2022 FIFA World Cup?", - "correct_answer": "Qatar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "USA", - "Japan", - "Switzerland" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What CoD "Deathstreak" is only featured in Call of Duty : Modern Warfare 2?", - "correct_answer": "Copycat", - "incorrect_answers": [ - " Martrydom", - "Final Stand", - "Revenge" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following Argentinian presidents was elected in 2015?", - "correct_answer": "Mauricio Macri", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner", - "Nestor Kirchner", - "Juan Domingo Peron" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following authors was not born in England? ", - "correct_answer": "Arthur Conan Doyle", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Graham Greene", - "H G Wells", - "Arthur C Clarke" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What town was "Springfield" from "The Simpsons" originally named after?", - "correct_answer": "Springfield, Oregon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Springfield, Missouri", - "Springfield, Illinois", - "Springfield, Massachusetts" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Rhinoplasty is a surgical procedure on what part of the human body?", - "correct_answer": "Nose", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ears", - "Chin", - "Neck" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Greenland is almost as big as Africa.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the largest non-continental island in the world?", - "correct_answer": "Greenland", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "New Guinea", - "Borneo", - "Madagascar" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the first element on the periodic table?", - "correct_answer": "Hydrogen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Helium", - "Oxygen", - "Lithium" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of James Dean's character in the 1955 movie "Rebel Without a Cause"?", - "correct_answer": "Jim Stark", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ned Stark", - "Jim Kane", - "Frank Stark" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Eurobeat is primarily an Italian genre of music.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The 2014 movie "The Raid 2: Berandal" was mainly filmed in which Asian country?", - "correct_answer": "Indonesia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Thailand", - "Brunei", - "Malaysia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Kill La Kill, the weapon of the main protagonist is a katana. ", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The medical condition osteoporosis affects which part of the body?", - "correct_answer": "Bones", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Skin", - "Brain", - "Heart" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the stage name of English female rapper Mathangi Arulpragasam, who is known for the song "Paper Planes"?", - "correct_answer": "M.I.A.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "K.I.A.", - "C.I.A.", - "A.I.A." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Team Fortress 2, being disguised as a scout or medic results in a speed boost.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the "Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya" series, the narrator goes by the nickname Kyon.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which song was the callsign for Stefan Verdemann's KWFM radio station in Urasawa Naoki's "Monster"?", - "correct_answer": "Over the Rainbow", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "What a Wonderful World", - "When You Wish Upon A Star", - "Singing In The Rain" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which country is the home of the largest Japanese population outside of Japan?", - "correct_answer": "Brazil", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "China", - "Russia", - "The United States" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "One of Barack Obama's United States presidential campaign slogan's was "Yes We Can".", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who created the "Metal Gear" Series?", - "correct_answer": "Hideo Kojima", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hiroshi Yamauchi", - "Shigeru Miyamoto", - "Gunpei Yokoi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following films was directed by Ivan Reitman, written by Gary Ross, featured Kevin Kline, and was released in 1993?", - "correct_answer": "Dave", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "John", - "Will", - "Carl" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these Generation 1 Pokemon did NOT have an evolution in Generation 4?", - "correct_answer": "Jynx", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Electabuzz", - "Magmar", - "Rhydon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the Alligator that The Simpsons "killed" in the episode "Kill The Alligator and Run"?", - "correct_answer": "Captain Jack", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Captain Jake", - "Captain Hector", - "Captain Flynn" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": ""Strangereal" is a fictitious Earth-like world for which game series?", - "correct_answer": "Ace Combat", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jet Set Radio", - "Deus Ex", - "Crimson Skies" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Final Fantasy XIV, what is the name of the Deep Dungeon that was introduced in the expansion pack, Heavensward?", - "correct_answer": "Palace of the Dead", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Heaven on High", - "Aetherochemical Research Facility", - "Sunken Temple of Qarn" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In relation to the British Occupation in Ireland, what does the IRA stand for.", - "correct_answer": "Irish Republican Army", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Irish Rebel Alliance", - "Irish Reformation Army", - "Irish-Royal Alliance" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the molecular formula of Glucose?", - "correct_answer": "C6H12O6", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "C2H4O2", - "K+", - "CH4" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many legs do butterflies have?", - "correct_answer": "6", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2", - "4", - "0" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many points is the Z tile worth in Scrabble?", - "correct_answer": "10", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "8", - "5", - "6" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a Humongous Entertainment game franchise?", - "correct_answer": "Commander Keen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pajama Sam", - "Putt-Putt", - "Freddi Fish" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the first primary weapon the player gets in "PAYDAY: The Heist"?", - "correct_answer": "AMCAR-4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Brenner 21", - "Reinbeck", - "M308" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the name of Marilyn Monroe's first husband?", - "correct_answer": "James Dougherty", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Joe Dimaggio", - "Kirk Douglas", - "Arthur Miller" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Call Of Duty: Zombies", which map introduced the perk "PhD Flopper"?", - "correct_answer": "Ascension", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Moon", - "Call Of The Dead", - "Die Rise" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the name of Pink Floyd's first studio album?", - "correct_answer": "The Piper at the Gates of Dawn", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ummagumma", - "More", - "Atom Heart Mother" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Artis Leon Ivey Jr. is better known as which rap artist?", - "correct_answer": "Coolio", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dr Dre", - "Snoop Dogg", - "Ice T" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which drive form was added into Kingdom Hearts II Final Mix?", - "correct_answer": "Limit Form", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Valor Form", - "Wisdom Form", - "Anti Form" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who is the horror manga artist who made Uzumaki?", - "correct_answer": "Junji Ito", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kazuo Umezu", - "Shintaro Kago", - "Sui Ishida" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which German field marshal was known as the `Desert Fox`?", - "correct_answer": "Erwin Rommel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ernst Busch", - "Wolfram Freiherr von Richthofen", - "Wilhelm List" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Super Mario Bros.", the clouds and bushes have the same artwork and are just different colors.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The term "scientist" was coined in which year?", - "correct_answer": "1833", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1933", - "1942", - "1796" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the Star Trek universe, what color is Vulcan blood?", - "correct_answer": "Green", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Blue", - "Red", - "Purple" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the first Left 4 Dead, you can play as either of these four characters.", - "correct_answer": "Francis, Bill, Zoey, and Louis", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bender, Andrew, Allison, and Brian", - "Coach, Ellis, Nick, and Rochelle", - "Harry, Ron, Hermione and Dumbledore" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which company developed the Hololens?", - "correct_answer": "Microsoft", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "HTC", - "Oculus", - "Tobii" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "After England, more Shakespeare plays are set in this present day country than in any other.", - "correct_answer": "Italy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "United States", - "Greece", - "France" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who developed the 2016 farming RPG "Stardew Valley"?", - "correct_answer": "Eric Barone", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Daisuke Amaya", - "Jasper Byrne", - "Lucas Pope" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Jurassic World", which company purchases InGen and creates Jurassic World?", - "correct_answer": "Masrani Global Corporation ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Biology Synthetics Technologies", - "International Genetics Incorporated", - "International Genetic Technologies" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "From which album is the Gorillaz song, "On Melancholy Hill" featured in?", - "correct_answer": "Plastic Beach", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Demon Days", - "Humanz", - "The Fall" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the original release date of Grand Theft Auto V?", - "correct_answer": "September 17, 2013", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "August 17, 2013", - "April 14, 2015", - "November 18, 2014" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who succeeded Joseph Stalin as General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union?", - "correct_answer": "Nikita Khrushchev", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Leonid Brezhnev", - "Mikhail Gorbachev", - "Boris Yeltsin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Magic: The Gathering universe, the Antiquities, Ice Age, and Alliances expansions take place on which continent?", - "correct_answer": "Terisiare", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Aerona", - "Shiv", - "Jamuraa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year did the Vietnam War end?", - "correct_answer": "1975", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1978", - "1967", - "1969" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What country hosted the 2014 Winter Olympics?", - "correct_answer": "Russia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Canada", - "United States", - "Germany" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the French word for "fish"?", - "correct_answer": "poisson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "fiche", - "escargot", - "mer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What vehicle in PUBG has the highest top speed?", - "correct_answer": "Motorcycle", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "PG-117", - "Dacia", - "Buggy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is a Tetris piece called?", - "correct_answer": "Tetromino", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tetratile", - "Tetris", - "Tetripiece" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the Pink Floyd song "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" written about?", - "correct_answer": "Syd Barrett", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "John Lennon", - "David Gilmour", - "Floyd" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Herero genocide was perpetrated in Africa by which of the following colonial nations?", - "correct_answer": "Germany", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Britain", - "Belgium", - "France" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which band is the longest active band in the world with no breaks or line-up changes?", - "correct_answer": "U2", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Radiohead", - "Rush", - "Rolling Stones" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When Christopher Columbus sailed to America, what was the first region he arrived in?", - "correct_answer": "The Bahamas Archipelago", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Florida", - "Isthmus of Panama", - "Nicaragua" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following is a personal computer made by the Japanese company Fujitsu?", - "correct_answer": "FM-7", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "PC-9801", - "Xmillennium ", - "MSX" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Overwatch, how old is Reinhardt Wilhelm?", - "correct_answer": "61", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "59", - "65", - "62" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the original name of "Minecraft"?", - "correct_answer": "Cave Game", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Minecraft: Order of the Stone", - "Dig And Build", - "Infiniminer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of Michael Jackson's albums sold the most copies?", - "correct_answer": "Thriller", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dangerous", - "Bad", - "Off the Wall" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The set of all algebraic numbers is countable.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Doctor Who", the Doctor gets his TARDIS by stealing it.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the capital of Lithuania?", - "correct_answer": "Vilnius", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tallinn", - "Helsinki", - "Riga" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Van Gogh painting depicts the view from his asylum in Saint-Rémy-de-Provence in southern France?", - "correct_answer": "The Starry Night", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wheatfields with Crows", - "The Sower with Setting Sun", - "The Church at Auvers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the official name of the star located closest to the North Celestial Pole?", - "correct_answer": "Polaris", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Eridanus", - "Gamma Cephei", - "Iota Cephei" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In The Witcher 3, the Zoltan Chivay Gwent card can be found under the Hanged Man's Tree.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Super Mario Bros. was released in 1990.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which European city has the highest mileage of canals in the world?", - "correct_answer": "Birmingham", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Venice", - "Amsterdam", - "Berlin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the Roman god of fire?", - "correct_answer": "Vulcan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Apollo", - "Jupiter", - "Mercury" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What did Alfred Hitchcock use as blood in the film "Psycho"? ", - "correct_answer": "Chocolate syrup", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ketchup", - "Red food coloring", - "Maple syrup" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following countries banned the use of personal genetic ancestry tests?", - "correct_answer": "Germany", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Austria", - "Canada", - "Sweden" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the first commerically available computer processor?", - "correct_answer": "Intel 4004", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Intel 486SX", - "TMS 1000", - "AMD AM386" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which film star has his statue in Leicester Square?", - "correct_answer": "Charlie Chaplin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Paul Newman", - "Rowan Atkinson ", - "Alfred Hitchcock" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain runs on the Fox Engine.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was the first episode of Soul Eater released?", - "correct_answer": "2008", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2003", - "2005", - "2011" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is a co-founder of music streaming service Spotify?", - "correct_answer": "Daniel Ek", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sean Parker", - "Felix Miller", - "Michael Breidenbruecker" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the lead singer of Bastille?", - "correct_answer": "Dan Smith", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Will Farquarson", - "Kyle Simmons", - "Chris Wood" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the stands from "JoJo's Bizarre Adventure" mimics the likeness of a tomato?", - "correct_answer": "Pearl Jam", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Red Hot Chili Pepper", - "Cream Starter", - "Nut King Call" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What kind of train was Stepney, a train on the Bluebell Railway notable for his appearance in "The Railway Series"?", - "correct_answer": "LB&SCR A1X", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "LB&SCR E2", - "LB&SCR J1", - "LB&SCR D1" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Who's eponymous line, "Teenage Wasteland", appears in which of their songs?", - "correct_answer": "Baba O' Riley", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Seeker", - "Won't Get Fooled Again", - "Pinball Wizard" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many "JoJos" that are protagonists are there in the series "Jojo's Bizarre Adventure"?", - "correct_answer": "8", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "6", - "4", - "5" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which genre is the Touhou Project associated with?", - "correct_answer": "Shoot 'em up (bullet-hell) & Fighting", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Turn-Based Strategy", - "MMORPG", - "Building " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Rabbits are carnivores.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The HTML5 standard was published in 2014.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What geometric shape is generally used for stop signs?", - "correct_answer": "Octagon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hexagon", - "Circle", - "Triangle" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of one of the Neo-Aramaic languages spoken by the Jewish population from Northwestern Iraq?", - "correct_answer": "Lishana Deni", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hulaulá", - "Lishan Didan", - "Chaldean Neo-Aramaic" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "J.K. Rowling completed "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" in which hotel in Edinburgh, Scotland?", - "correct_answer": "The Balmoral", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Dunstane Hotel", - "Hotel Novotel", - "Sheraton Grand Hotel & Spa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which car did not appear in the 2002 Lego Game: Drome Racers?", - "correct_answer": "Wasp", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Raptor", - "Hornet", - "Behemoth" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the "Toaru Majutsu no Index" anime, Touma Kamijou is a level 0 esper that has the ability to do what?", - "correct_answer": "Dispell any esper or magical powers", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Teleport", - "Make telepathic communications", - "Create electricity from his own body" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the game "Terraria", which of these bosses are pre-hardmode bosses?", - "correct_answer": "Eye of Cthulhu", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Plantera", - "Skeletron Prime", - "The Destroyer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "A caterpillar has more muscles than humans do.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In 2014, over 6 million General Motors vehicles were recalled due to what critical flaw?", - "correct_answer": "Faulty ignition switch", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Malfunctioning gas pedal", - "Breaking fuel lines", - "Faulty brake pads" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The name of technology company HP stands for what?", - "correct_answer": "Hewlett-Packard", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Howard Packmann", - "Husker-Pollosk", - "Hellman-Pohl" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which is the world's longest river?", - "correct_answer": "Nile", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Missouri", - "Amazon", - "Yangtze" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the video game franchise "Halo", what is the UNSC's main opposing faction called?", - "correct_answer": "The Covenant", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Reckoning", - "The Peoples", - "The Slaughterers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the 1988 film "Akira", Tetsuo ends up destroying Tokyo.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the "powerhouse" of the Eukaryotic animal cell?", - "correct_answer": "Mitochondria", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nucleus", - "Chloroplast", - "Endoplasmic Reticulum" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is Pikachu's National PokéDex Number?", - "correct_answer": "#025", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "#001", - "#031", - "#109" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which country does the band Rammstein hail from?", - "correct_answer": "Germany", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Austria", - "Armenia", - "Belgium" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "This is the correct spelling of "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious".", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Rio 2016 Summer Olympics held it's closing ceremony on what date?", - "correct_answer": "August 21", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "August 23", - "August 19", - "August 17" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the unit of currency in Laos?", - "correct_answer": "Kip", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ruble", - "Konra", - "Dollar" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When BMW was established in 1916, it was producing automobiles.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "America Online (AOL) started out as which of these online service providers?", - "correct_answer": "Quantum Link", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "CompuServe", - "Prodigy", - "GEnie" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the "Little Lost Girl" Easter Egg in Call of Duty: Black Ops II, what's the last step required for the achievement?", - "correct_answer": "Raise Hell", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Freedom", - "Skewer the Winged Beast", - "Ascend from Darkness" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""Return to Castle Wolfenstein" was the only game of the Wolfenstein series where you don't play as William "B.J." Blazkowicz.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Portal, what color is the Intelligence Core?", - "correct_answer": "Blue", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Purple", - "Red", - "Orange" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The term "GTO" was originated by Ferrari?", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Terry Pratchett's Discworld novel 'Wyrd Sisters', which of these are not one of the three main witches?", - "correct_answer": "Winny Hathersham", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Granny Weatherwax", - "Nanny Ogg", - "Magrat Garlick" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In 2014, this new top 100 rapper who featured in "Computers" and "Body Dance" was arrested in a NYPD sting for murder.", - "correct_answer": "Bobby Shmurda", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "DJ Snake", - "Swae Lee", - "Young Thug" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the smallest number that can be expressed as the sum of two positive cubes in two different ways?", - "correct_answer": "1729", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "91", - "561", - "4104" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the wifi password given to Stephen Strange in Doctor Strange?", - "correct_answer": "Shambala", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Peace", - "Ancient", - "Chakra" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What name represents the letter "M" in the NATO phonetic alphabet?", - "correct_answer": "Mike", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Matthew", - "Mark", - "Max" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Some people call me the space cowboy" is the first line from what song?", - "correct_answer": "The Joker", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fandango", - "Take The Money and Run", - "Fly Like an Eagle" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which species of Brown Bear is not extinct?", - "correct_answer": "Syrian Brown Bear", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "California Grizzly Bear", - "Atlas Bear", - "Mexican Grizzly Bear" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which video game earned music composer Mike Morasky the most awards for his work?", - "correct_answer": "Portal 2", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Left 4 Dead 2", - "Team Fortress 2", - "Counter-Strike: Global Offensive" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the most preferred image format used for logos in the Wikimedia database?", - "correct_answer": ".svg", - "incorrect_answers": [ - ".png", - ".jpeg", - ".gif" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Need For Speed Most Wanted (2005), what do you drive at the beginning of the career mode?", - "correct_answer": "BMW M3 GTR", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Porsche 911 Turbo", - "Nissan 240SX", - "Ford Mustang" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many stars are featured on New Zealand's flag?", - "correct_answer": "4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "5", - "2", - "0" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the main character in "The Flash" TV series?", - "correct_answer": "Barry Allen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Oliver Queen", - "Bart Allen", - "Bruce Wayne" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When did the CD begin to appear on the consumer market?", - "correct_answer": "1982", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1992", - "1972", - "1962" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many stations does the Central Line have on the London Underground?", - "correct_answer": "49", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "51", - "43", - "47" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these is a colony of polyps and not a jellyfish?", - "correct_answer": "Portuguese Man-of-War", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sea Wasp", - "Irukandji", - "Sea Nettle" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many teeth does an adult rabbit have?", - "correct_answer": "28", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "30", - "26", - "24" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the 2014 FIFA World Cup, what was the final score in the match Brazil - Germany?", - "correct_answer": "1-7", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1-5", - "1-6", - "2-6" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Deionized water is water with which of the following removed?", - "correct_answer": "Iron", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Oxygen", - "Hydrogen", - "Uncharged atoms" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the most significant side venture the popular firearms company, Remington, has pursued?", - "correct_answer": "Typewriters", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Blenders", - "Ceiling Fans", - "Door Knobs" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The derisive acronym "PIIGS" refers to which of the following European countries and their economic statuses?", - "correct_answer": "Portugal, Ireland, Italy, Greece, Spain", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Poland, Iceland, Italy, Greece, Serbia", - "Poland, Iceland, Italy, Greenland, Spain", - "Portugal, Iceland, Ireland, Greece, Serbia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What year did the game "Overwatch" enter closed beta?", - "correct_answer": "2015", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2013", - "2011", - "2016" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the last line muttered in the anime film "The End of Evangelion"?", - "correct_answer": ""How disgusting."", - "incorrect_answers": [ - ""Idiot, I won't let you kill me!"", - ""Nothing."", - ""Goddammit, Shinji."" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The human right lung has how many lobes?", - "correct_answer": "3", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "4", - "2", - "1" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was Napoleon Bonaparte's name before he changed it?", - "correct_answer": "Napoleone di Buonaparte", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Naapolion van Bonijpaart", - "Napoleão do Boaparte", - "Napoleona de Buenoparte" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Game Development company made No Man's Sky?", - "correct_answer": "Hello Games", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dovetail Games", - "Valve", - "Blizzard Entertainment" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which town was Seamus "Sledge" Cowden from "Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Siege" born in?", - "correct_answer": "John O'Groats", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Brawl", - "Kearvaig", - "Talmine" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the name of the German offensive operation in October 1941 to take Moscow before winter?", - "correct_answer": "Operation Typhoon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Operation Sunflower", - "Operation Barbarossa", - "Case Blue" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the largest living organism currently known to man?", - "correct_answer": "Honey Fungus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Blue Whale", - "Redwood Tree", - "The Coral Reef" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In which game did the character "Mario" make his first appearance?", - "correct_answer": "Donkey Kong", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Super Mario Bros.", - "Super Mario Land", - "Mario Bros." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following Call of Duty games was a PS3 launch title?", - "correct_answer": "Call of Duty 3", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare", - "Call of Duty: World at War", - "Call of Duty: Roads to Victory" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Game of Thrones what is the name of Jon Snow's sword?", - "correct_answer": "Longclaw", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Oathkeeper", - "Widow's Wail", - "Needle" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the "Metal Gear Solid" series, what's the name of Solid Snake's brother?", - "correct_answer": "Liquid Snake", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kulus Snake", - "Billy Snake", - "Gilur Snake" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the famous Papa John's last name?", - "correct_answer": "Schnatter", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chowder", - "Williams", - "ANDERSON" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The AHL affiliate team of the Boston Bruins is named what?", - "correct_answer": "Providence Bruins", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "New Haven Bruins", - "Cambridge Bruins", - "Hartford Bruins" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the Rossini opera, what was the name of 'The Barber of Seville'?", - "correct_answer": "Figaro", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Angelo", - "Fernando", - "Dave" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What colour is the circle on the Japanese flag?", - "correct_answer": "Red", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "White", - "Yellow", - "Black" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the world's first video game?", - "correct_answer": "Tennis for Two", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Spacewar!", - "Pong", - "Space Travel" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many Chaos Emeralds are there in the "Sonic the Hedgehog" universe?", - "correct_answer": "7", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "6", - "8", - "14" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Homestuck Series, what is the alternate name for the Kingdom of Lights?", - "correct_answer": "Prospit", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "No Name", - "Golden City", - "Yellow Moon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was Final Fantasy XV released?", - "correct_answer": "November 29th, 2016", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "October 25th, 2016", - "December 31th, 2016", - "November 30th, 2016" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Danganronpa Another Episode: Ultra Despair Girls is set after which Danganronpa game?", - "correct_answer": "Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair", - "Danganronpa V3: Killing Harmony", - "Danganronpa 3: The End of Hope's Peak High School" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Android versions are named in alphabetical order.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which country gifted the Statue of Liberty to the United States of America?", - "correct_answer": "France", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Spain", - "England", - "Germany" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year did Gerald Ford Become President?", - "correct_answer": "1974", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1977", - "1973", - "1969" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a real tectonic plate?", - "correct_answer": "Atlantic Plate", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "North American Plate", - "Eurasian Plate", - "Nazca Plate" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who won the UEFA Champions League in 2016?", - "correct_answer": "Real Madrid C.F.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "FC Bayern Munich", - "Atletico Madrid", - "Manchester City F.C." - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Louis was known as 'The Sun King of France'?", - "correct_answer": "Louis XIV", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Louis XIII", - "Louis XV", - "Louis XVI" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who was the Author of the manga Monster Hunter Orage?", - "correct_answer": "Hiro Mashima", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shin Yamamoto", - "Keiichi Hikami", - "Hirohiko Araki" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the world's most expensive spice by weight?", - "correct_answer": "Saffron", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cinnamon", - "Cardamom", - "Vanilla" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which dictator killed the most people?", - "correct_answer": "Mao Zedong", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Joseph Stalin", - "Adolf Hitler", - "Kim Il Sung" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following blood vessels carries deoxygenated blood?", - "correct_answer": "Pulmonary Artery", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pulmonary Vein", - "Aorta", - "Coronary Artery" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which order do you need to hit some Deku Scrubs to open the first boss door in "Ocarina of Time"?", - "correct_answer": "2, 3, 1", - 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"question": "In "Sonic the Hedgehog" comic, who was the creator of Roboticizer? ", - "correct_answer": "Professor Charles the Hedgehog", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Julian Robotnik", - "Ivo Robotnik", - "Snively Robotnik" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the game Call of Duty, what is the last level where you play as an American soldier?", - "correct_answer": "Festung Recogne", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ste. Mere-Eglise (Day)", - "Chateau", - "Brecourt" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "All of these maps were in "Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Siege" on its initial release: House, Clubhouse, Border, Consulate.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of the supercomputer located in the control room in "Jurassic Park" (1993)?", - "correct_answer": "Thinking Machines CM-5", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cray X-MP", - "Cray XK7", - "IBM Blue Gene/Q" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Alan Reed is known for providing the voice of which character?", - "correct_answer": "Fred Flintstone", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bugs Bunny", - "Fangface", - "G.I. 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"question": "A statue of Charles Darwin sits in what London museum?", - "correct_answer": "Natural History Museum", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tate", - "British Museum", - "Science Museum" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Part 5?", - "correct_answer": "Vento Aureo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vento Oreo", - "Vanto Aureo", - "Vento Eureo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What historical event was Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture referencing?", - "correct_answer": "The Napoleonic Wars", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The American War of 1812", - "The Russian Revolution", - "The Charge of the Light Brigade (Crimean War)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Japanese Shinkansen beat the French TGV's speed record for fastest electric rail train.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When was the first "Half-Life" released?", - "correct_answer": "1998", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2004", - "1999", - "1997" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which iconic character is featured in movies such as "The Enforcer", "Sudden Impact", and "The Dead Pool"?", - "correct_answer": "Dirty Harry", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Indiana Jones", - "James Bond", - "Harry Potter" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the "Half-Life" series, "H.E.V" stands for "Hazardous Evasiveness Vest"", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these programming languages is a low-level language?", - "correct_answer": "Assembly", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Python", - "C#", - "Pascal" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How fast is USB 3.1 Gen 2 theoretically?", - "correct_answer": "10 Gb/s", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "5 Gb/s", - "8 Gb/s", - "1 Gb/s" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Baseball, how many times does the ball have to be pitched outside of the strike zone before the batter is walked?", - "correct_answer": "4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1", - "2", - "3" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following is NOT a Nintendo game console?", - "correct_answer": "Dreamcast", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "SNES", - "Wii", - "Switch" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the name commonly given to the ancient trade routes that connected the East and West of Eurasia?", - "correct_answer": "Silk Road", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Spice Road", - "Clay Road", - "Salt Road" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What team did England beat in the semi-final stage to win in the 1966 World Cup final?", - "correct_answer": "Portugal", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "West Germany", - "Soviet Union", - "Brazil" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these plays was famously first performed posthumously after the playwright committed suicide?", - "correct_answer": "4.48 Psychosis", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hamilton", - "Much Ado About Nothing", - "The Birthday Party" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Psych-Horror "Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem", developed by Silicon Knights in 2002, was published by who and on what platform?", - "correct_answer": "Nintendo® Co. Ltd. | GameCube™", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sony® Computer Entertainment™ Inc. | PlayStation® 2", - "Microsoft® Game Studios™ | XBox™", - "Sega® Enterprises Co. Ltd. | Dreamcast™" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who's the creator of Geometry Dash?", - "correct_answer": "Robert Topala", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Scott Cawthon", - "Adam Engels", - "Andrew Spinks" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In which city, is the Big Nickel located in Canada?", - "correct_answer": "Sudbury, Ontario", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Calgary, Alberta", - "Halifax, Nova Scotia ", - "Victoria, British Columbia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the TV show "Cheers", Sam Malone was a former relief pitcher for which baseball team?", - "correct_answer": "Boston Red Sox", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "New York Mets", - "Baltimore Orioles", - "Milwaukee Brewers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which movie contains the quote, "Say hello to my little friend!"?", - "correct_answer": "Scarface", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Reservoir Dogs", - "Heat", - "Goodfellas" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Portal 2, the iconic character GLaDOS is turned into:", - "correct_answer": "A potato", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A tomato", - "A lemon", - "An apple" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many bones are in the human body?", - "correct_answer": "206", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "203", - "209", - "200" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which year did the First World War begin?", - "correct_answer": "1914", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1930", - "1917", - "1939" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the capital of the US State of New York?", - "correct_answer": "Albany", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Buffalo", - "New York", - "Rochester" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the first president born in the independent United States?", - "correct_answer": "Martin Van Buren", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "John Adams", - "George Washington", - "James Monroe " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year did "Attack on Titan" Season 2 begin airing?", - "correct_answer": "2017", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2018", - "2019", - "2020" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Valve Corporation is an American video game developer located in which city?", - "correct_answer": "Bellevue, Washington", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Austin, Texas", - "Seattle, Washington", - "San Francisco, California" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which modern country is known as "The Graveyard of Empires"?", - "correct_answer": "Afghanistan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "China", - "Iraq", - "Russia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the main villain of the Crash Bandicoot series?", - "correct_answer": "Dr. Neo Cortex", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dr. Evo-Cortex", - "Dr. Cortox", - "Sir Cartex" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Water always boils at 100°C, 212°F, 373.15K, no matter where you are.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following was not one of "The Magnificent Seven"?", - "correct_answer": "Clint Eastwood", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Steve McQueen", - "Charles Bronson", - "Robert Vaughn" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "During WWII, in 1945, the United States dropped atomic bombs on the two Japanese cities of Hiroshima and what other city?", - "correct_answer": "Nagasaki", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kawasaki", - "Tokyo", - "Kagoshima" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In which British seaside town was the BBC sitcom "Fawlty Towers" set?", - "correct_answer": "Torquay", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Blackpool", - "Bournemouth", - "Great Yarmouth" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The words "bungalow" and "shampoo" originate from the languages of which country?", - "correct_answer": "India", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Papua New Guinea", - "Ethiopia", - "China" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The World Health Organization headquarters is located in which European country?", - "correct_answer": "Switzerland", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "United Kingdom", - "France", - "Belgium" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was George Bizet's last opera?", - "correct_answer": "Carmen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Don Rodrigue", - "Grisélidis", - "Les pêcheurs de perles" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year did the First World War end?", - "correct_answer": "1918", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1914", - "1916", - "1912" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many voice channels does the Super Nintendo Entertainment System support?", - "correct_answer": "8", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "6", - "10", - "12" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When was Gangnam Style uploaded to YouTube?", - "correct_answer": "2012", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2013", - "2014", - "2011" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the most populous city in the Americas in 2015?", - "correct_answer": "São Paulo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "New York", - "Mexico City", - "Los Angeles" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who is Manchester United's leading appearance maker?", - "correct_answer": "Ryan Giggs", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "David Beckham", - "Wayne Rooney", - "Eric Cantona" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is Sora's Nobody in Kingdom Hearts?", - "correct_answer": "Roxas", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Riku", - "Kairi", - "Mickey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What type of animal is a natterjack?", - "correct_answer": "Toad", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bird", - "Fish", - "Insect" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who in Greek mythology, who led the Argonauts in search of the Golden Fleece?", - "correct_answer": "Jason", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Castor", - "Daedalus", - "Odysseus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": ""Number 16 Bus Shelter" was a child's name that was approved by the New Zealand government.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In which year did the Tokyo Subway Sarin Attack occur?", - "correct_answer": "1995", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2001", - "2011", - "1991" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Platypus is a mammal.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the original DOOM games, which of the following demons is a recolor of the Baron of Hell, but is weaker than the Baron?", - "correct_answer": "Hell Knight", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mancubus", - "Pinky", - "Arch-Vile" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which operating system was released first?", - "correct_answer": "Mac OS", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Windows", - "Linux", - "OS/2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Linux was first created as an alternative to Windows XP.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the device that allows for infinite energy in the anime "Dimension W"?", - "correct_answer": "Coils", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wires", - "Collectors", - "Tesla" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Left 4 Dead, which campaign has the protagonists going through a subway in order to reach a hospital for evacuation?", - "correct_answer": "No Mercy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Subway Sprint", - "Hospital Havoc", - "Blood Harvest" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the leader of the Brotherhood of Nod in the Command and Conquer series?", - "correct_answer": "Kane", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Joseph Stalin", - "CABAL", - "Yuri" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What's the famous line Vaas says in "Far Cry 3"?", - "correct_answer": "Did I ever tell you the definition of Insanity?", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Have I failed to entertain you?", - "You're my b*tch!", - "Maybe your best course...would be to tread lightly." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who had a 1983 hit with the song 'Africa'?", - "correct_answer": "Toto", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Foreigner", - "Steely Dan", - "Journey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was the programming language "C#" released?", - "correct_answer": "2000", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1998", - "1999", - "2001" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many pieces are there on the board at the start of a game of chess?", - "correct_answer": "32", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "16", - "20", - "36" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the 2002 video game "Kingdom Hearts", how many playable worlds were there?", - "correct_answer": "14", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "13", - "16", - "11" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Vietnam is the only country in the world that starts with V. ", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many people are in the U.S. House of Representatives?", - "correct_answer": "435", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "260", - "415", - "50" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the villian in the 2015 Russian-American Sci-Fi Movie "Hardcore Henry"?", - "correct_answer": "Akan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Estelle", - "Jimmy", - "Henry" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the 1979 British film "Quadrophenia" what is the name of the main protagonist?", - "correct_answer": "Jimmy Cooper", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pete Townshend", - "Franc Roddam", - "Archie Bunker" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The United States of America declared their independence from the British Empire on July 4th, 1776.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the main character in "Life is Strange"?", - "correct_answer": "Maxine Caulfield", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Victoria Chase", - "Stella Hill", - "Chloe Price" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these species is not extinct?", - "correct_answer": "Komodo dragon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Japanese sea lion", - "Tasmanian tiger", - "Saudi gazelle" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Satella in "Re:Zero" is the witch of what?", - "correct_answer": "Envy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pride", - "Sloth", - "Wrath" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year was Pokémon Diamond & Pearl released in Japan?", - "correct_answer": "2006", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2009", - "2007", - "2008" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which item of clothing is usually worn by a Scotsman at a wedding?", - "correct_answer": "Kilt", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Skirt", - "Dress", - "Rhobes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following is NOT a capital city?", - "correct_answer": "Sydney", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cairo", - "Moscow", - "Beijing" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is Manchester United's top premier league goal scorer?", - "correct_answer": "Wayne Rooney", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sir Bobby Charlton", - "Ryan Giggs", - "David Beckham" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the first book of the Old Testament?", - "correct_answer": "Genesis", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Exodus", - "Leviticus", - "Numbers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Joseph Stalin's real name was Ioseb Bessarionis dze Dzugashvili.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "United States President Ronald Reagan was the first president to appoint a woman to the Supreme Court. ", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which soccer team won the Copa América 2015 Championship ?", - "correct_answer": "Chile", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Argentina", - "Brazil", - "Paraguay" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Animal Crossing: New Leaf, which of these paintings from Redd's Art Gallery is always genuine?", - "correct_answer": "Warm Painting", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jolly Painting", - "Neutral Painting", - "Wistful Painting" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "This weapon in Counter-Strike: Global Offensive does not exist in real life.", - "correct_answer": "M4A4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "AWP", - "M4A1", - "MP9" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The 2016 Disney animated film 'Moana' is based on which culture?", - "correct_answer": "Polynesian", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Native American", - "Japanese", - "Nordic" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the stage name of New Zealand singer Phillipa "Pip" Brown?", - "correct_answer": "Ladyhawke", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lorde", - "Kesha", - "Anika Moa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the fictional retro-mod band starring Austin Powers as the lead vocalist?", - "correct_answer": "Ming Tea", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cough Fi", - "Spear Mint", - "Mister E" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The acronym "RIP" stands for which of these?", - "correct_answer": "Routing Information Protocol", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Runtime Instance Processes", - "Regular Interval Processes", - "Routine Inspection Protocol" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which company was established on April 1st, 1976 by Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak and Ronald Wayne?", - "correct_answer": "Apple", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Microsoft", - "Atari", - "Commodore" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many countries are inside the United Kingdom?", - "correct_answer": "Four", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Two", - "Three", - "One" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the main healing item in Dark Souls?", - "correct_answer": "Estus Flask", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Health Potion", - "Orange Juice", - "Ashen Flask" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What's the square root of 49?", - "correct_answer": "7", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "4", - "12", - "9" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Naruto: Shippuden, which of the following elements is a "Kekkei T\u014dta?"", - "correct_answer": "Particle Style", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Any Doujutsu", - "Shadow Style", - "Ice Style" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of the Canadian national anthem?", - "correct_answer": "O Canada", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "O Red Maple", - "Leaf-Spangled Banner", - "March of the Puck Drop" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "The Binding of Isaac", what is the name of the final boss that you fight in The Void?", - "correct_answer": "Delirium", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mega Satan", - "Hush", - "The Lamb" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Battlestar Galactica (2004), what is the name of the President of the Twelve Colonies?", - "correct_answer": "Laura Roslin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "William Adama", - "Tricia Helfer", - "Harry Stills" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who plays "Bruce Wayne" in the 2008 movie "The Dark Knight"?", - "correct_answer": "Christian Bale", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Michael Caine", - "Ron Dean", - "Heath Ledger" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which ocean borders the west coast of the United States?", - "correct_answer": "Pacific", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Atlantic", - "Indian", - "Arctic" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What were the Chilled Monkey Brains made from during Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?", - "correct_answer": "Custard and Raspberry Sauce", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Strawberry Ice Cream", - "Cherry Yogurt", - "Raspberry Sorbet" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the PAYDAY series, where did Dallas start his criminal career?", - "correct_answer": "Chicago, Illinois", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dallas, Texas", - "New York City, New York", - "Boston, Massachusetts" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Canadian reggae musician had a 1993 hit with the song 'Informer'?", - "correct_answer": "Snow", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rain", - "Hail", - "Sleet" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who's the voice actor for Thrall in the Warcraft game series?", - "correct_answer": "Chris Metzen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ben Affleck", - "Jason Derulo", - "Jim Carrey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who had a 1976 hit with the song 'You Make Me Feel Like Dancing'?", - "correct_answer": "Leo Sayer", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Elton John", - "Billy Joel", - "Andy Gibb" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What engine did the original "Half-Life" run on?", - "correct_answer": "GoldSrc", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Source", - "Quake", - "Unreal" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the original Star Trek TV series, what was Captain James T. Kirk's middle name?", - "correct_answer": "Tiberius", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Trevor", - "Travis", - "Tyrone" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the virus in "Metal Gear Solid 1"?", - "correct_answer": "FOXDIE", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "FOXENGINE", - "FOXALIVE", - "FOXKILL" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The first "Metal Gear" game was released for the PlayStation 1.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What nationality was sultan Saladin?", - "correct_answer": "Kurdish", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Arab", - "Egyptian", - "Syrian" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Xenoblade Chronicles X, which class has a sniper rifle as it's primary weapon?", - "correct_answer": "Partisan Eagle", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Blast Fencer", - "Winged Viper", - "Bastion Warrior" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the homeworld of the Elites from Halo?", - "correct_answer": "Sanghelios", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Te", - "Doisac", - "Eayn" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is often called "the Maestro" in the men's tennis circuit?", - "correct_answer": "Roger Federer", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bill Tilden", - "Boris Becker", - "Pete Sampras" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which player holds the NHL record of 2,857 points?", - "correct_answer": "Wayne Gretzky", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mario Lemieux ", - "Sidney Crosby", - "Gordie Howe" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What country joined the EU in 2013?", - "correct_answer": "Croatia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bulgaria", - "Slovenia", - "Turkey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which band had hits in 1975 with the songs, 'One Of These Nights' & 'Lyin Eyes'?", - "correct_answer": "The Eagles", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fools Gold", - "The Doobie Brothers", - "Fleetwood Mac" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Half-Life by Valve uses the GoldSrc game engine, which is a highly modified version of what engine?", - "correct_answer": "Quake Engine", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Doom Engine", - "id Engine", - "Source Engine" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "On the Beaufort Scale of wind force, what wind name is given to number 8?", - "correct_answer": "Gale", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Storm", - "Hurricane", - "Breeze" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "According to a Beatles song, who kept her face in a jar by the door?", - "correct_answer": "Eleanor Rigby", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Loretta Martin", - "Molly Jones", - "Lady Madonna" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Tennis was once known as Racquetball.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What year was the United States Declaration of Independence signed?", - "correct_answer": "1776", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1775", - "1774", - "1777" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the largest planet in Kerbal Space Program?", - "correct_answer": "Jool", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Eeloo", - "Kerbol", - "Minmus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the lead singer of Green Day?", - "correct_answer": "Billie Joe Armstrong", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mike Dirnt", - "Sean Hughes", - "Tré Cool" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Dota 2, what is Earthshaker's real name?", - "correct_answer": "Raigor Stonehoof", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Banehallow Ambry", - "Carl", - "Barathrum" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "A 'Millinillion' is a real number.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "To what political party did Abraham Lincoln belong when elected POTUS?", - "correct_answer": "Republican", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Democrat", - "Independent", - "Whig" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the 4th boss in the 1997 video game "Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back"?", - "correct_answer": "Dr. N. Gin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dr. Neo Cortex", - "Komodo Brothers", - "Tiny Tiger" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""The A Team" first aired in the USA and in the UK in what year?", - "correct_answer": "1983", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1981", - "1985", - "1987" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which actor and martial artist starred as Colonel Guile in the 1994 action film adaptation of Street Fighter?", - "correct_answer": "Jean-Claude Van Damme", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chuck Norris", - "Steven Seagal", - "Scott Adkins" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The creation of the Entertainment Software Ratings Board (ESRB) is often associated with Mortal Kombat and what FMV video game?", - "correct_answer": "Night Trap", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sewer Shark", - "The Daedalus Encounter", - "Corpse Killer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the name of Captain Nemo's submarine in "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea"?", - "correct_answer": "The Nautilus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Neptune", - "The Poseidon ", - "The Atlantis" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which Elton John hit starts with the line "When are you gonna come down"?", - "correct_answer": "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rocket Man", - "Bennie and the Jets", - "Crocodile Rock" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The following Spanish provinces are located in the northern area of Spain except:", - "correct_answer": "Murcia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Asturias", - "Navarre", - "León" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Furby was released in 1998.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these countries was NOT a part of the Soviet Union?", - "correct_answer": "Afghanistan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Turkmenistan", - "Kazakhstan", - "Uzbekistan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Despite being seperated into multiple countries, The Scandinavian countries are unified by all having the same monarch.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Need for Speed: Most Wanted (2005), what was the name of the main antagonist?", - "correct_answer": "Clarence "Razor" Callahan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hector "Ming" Domingo", - "Toru "Bull" Sato", - "Karl "Baron" Smit" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following is not a faction in Tom Clancy's The Division?", - "correct_answer": "CDC", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cleaners", - "Last Man Batallion", - "Rikers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In addition to his career as an astrologer and "prophet", Nostradamus published a 1555 treatise that included a section on what?", - "correct_answer": "Making jams and jellies", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Teaching parrots to talk", - "Cheating at card games", - "Digging graves" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many countries share a land border with Luxembourg?", - "correct_answer": "3", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "4", - "2", - "5" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the maximum level you can have in a single class in Dungeons and Dragons (5e)?", - "correct_answer": "20", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "30", - "15", - "25" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following films was NOT directed by Hayao Miyazaki?", - "correct_answer": "Wolf Children", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Princess Mononoke", - "Spirited Away", - "Kiki's Delivery Service" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What caused Jake Lloyd who played Anakin Skywalker in The Phantom Menace to quit acting?", - "correct_answer": "Bullying", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Criminal Record", - "Nomination for Worst Actor", - "Racism" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which soccer player is featured on the cover of EA Sport's FIFA 18?", - "correct_answer": "Cristiano Ronaldo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lionel Messi", - "Neymar", - "Harry Kane" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following was a map that was in Team Fortress 2 at launch?", - "correct_answer": "Gravel Pit", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hoodoo", - "Gold Rush", - "Upward" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the first Super Mario game ever released in North America for the 3DS?", - "correct_answer": "Super Mario 3D Land", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Super Mario Maker", - "New Super Mario Bros. 2", - "Mario Kart 7" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Clefairy was intended to be Ash's starting Pokémon in the pilot episode of the cartoon.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Matt Damon played an astronaut stranded on an extraterrestrial planet in both of the movies Interstellar and The Martian.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The 2010 film "The Social Network" is a biographical drama film about MySpace founder Tom Anderson.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The United States Department of Homeland Security was formed in response to the September 11th attacks.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Skateboarding will be included in the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Mean Girls, who has breasts that tell when it's raining?", - "correct_answer": "Karen Smith", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gretchen Weiners", - "Janice Ian", - "Cady Heron" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the full name of the protagonist from the SNES game Clock Tower?", - "correct_answer": "Jennifer Simpson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jennifer Barrows", - "Jennifer Cartwright", - "Jennifer Maxwell" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who out of these actresses is the youngest?", - "correct_answer": "Kiernan Shipka", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ariel Winter", - "Emma Watson", - "Bonnie Wright" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the ship which was only a few miles away from the RMS Titanic when it struck an iceberg on April 14, 1912?", - "correct_answer": "Californian", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Carpathia", - "Cristol", - "Commerce" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What vault in the video game "Fallout 3" is the home of multiple clones named Gary?", - "correct_answer": "Vault 108", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vault 101", - "Vault 87", - "Vault 21" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the real name of the "Master Of Magnetism" Magneto?", - "correct_answer": "Max Eisenhardt", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Charles Xavier", - "Pietro Maximoff", - "Johann Schmidt" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the mod "Cry of Fear" based off of?", - "correct_answer": "Half-Life", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Counter Strike: Source", - "Half-Life 2", - "It's a stand alone game, not a mod" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What year was the game Team Fortress 2 released?", - "correct_answer": "2007", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2009", - "2005", - "2010" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the original Doctor Who series (1963), fourth doctor Tom Baker's scarf was how long?", - "correct_answer": "7 Meters", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "10 Meters", - "2 Meters", - "5 Meters" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many countries border Kyrgyzstan?", - "correct_answer": "4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "3", - "1", - "6" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the 1979 British film "Quadrophenia" what is the name of the seaside city the mods are visiting?", - "correct_answer": "Brighton", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Eastbourne", - "Mousehole", - "Bridlington" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The New York Times slogan is, “All the News That’s Fit to…”", - "correct_answer": "Print", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Digest", - "Look", - "Read" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "According to the Egyptian Myth of Osiris, who murdered Osiris?", - "correct_answer": "Set", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Horus", - "Ra", - "Anhur" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many members are in the Japanese rock band SCANDAL?", - "correct_answer": "4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "5", - "2", - "18" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "One Piece", which one of the following is NOT an Ancient Weapon?", - "correct_answer": "Jupiter", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Uranus", - "Poseidon", - "Pluton" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the first level in "Call of Duty: World at War"?", - "correct_answer": "Semper Fi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ring of Steel", - "Vendetta", - "Eviction" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which artist composed the original soundtrack for "Watch Dogs 2"?", - "correct_answer": "Hudson Mohawke", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rustie", - "Machinedrum", - "Flying Lotus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these characters wasn't a villian in Club Penguin?", - "correct_answer": "The Director", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Herbert P. Bear", - "Tusk", - "Ultimate Proto-Bot 10000" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What do you study if you are studying entomology?", - "correct_answer": "Insects", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Humans", - "the Brain", - "Fish" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which English county is the city of Portsmouth?", - "correct_answer": "Hampshire", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Oxfordshire", - "Buckinghamshire", - "Surrey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the only remaining Grand Duchy in the world ?", - "correct_answer": "Luxembourg", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Montenegro", - "Liechtenstein", - "Andorra" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was Raekwon the Chefs debut solo album?", - "correct_answer": "Only Built 4 Cuban Linx", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shaolin vs Wu-Tang", - "The Wild", - "The Lex Diamond Story" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the name of the spy ring that helped the United States win the Revolutionary War?", - "correct_answer": "Culper Ring", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "New York Spy Ring", - "Washington's Spies", - "Unnamed" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which Shakespearean play will you find the suicide of Ophelia?", - "correct_answer": "Hamlet", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Macbeth", - "Othello", - "King Lear" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the correct phrase for the Latin saying "Romanes Eunt Domus" in Monty Python's Life of Brian?", - "correct_answer": "Romani Ite Domum", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Romans Go Home", - "Roxani Ite Domum", - "Tomate Ite Domum" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which animation studio animated the 2016 anime "Mob Psycho 100"?", - "correct_answer": "Bones", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A-1 Pictures", - "Shaft", - "Madhouse" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which Kingdom Hearts game featured the cast of "The World Ends With You"?", - "correct_answer": "Dream Drop Distance", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Birth By Sleep", - "365/2 Days", - "Re:Chain of Memories" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Ikki Kurogane is known by what nickname at the beginning of "Chivalry of a Failed Knight"?", - "correct_answer": "Worst One", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Another One", - "Blazer", - "Princess" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The United States of America was the first country to launch a man into space.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "According to the nursery rhyme, what fruit did Little Jack Horner pull out of his Christmas pie?", - "correct_answer": "Plum", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Apple", - "Peach", - "Pear" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Full Metal Panic!, Whispered are those who are capable of creating Black Technology.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these characters from Final Fantasy VIII primarily spoke in one word sentences?", - "correct_answer": "Fujin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Raijin", - "Seifer", - "Zell" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand?", - "correct_answer": "Gavrilo Princip", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nedeljko \u010cabrinovi\u0107", - "Oskar Potiorek", - "Ferdinand Cohen-Blind" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What M83 was featured in Grand Theft Auto V's radio?", - "correct_answer": "Midnight City", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Outro", - "Reunion", - "Wait" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a city in Saudi Arabia?", - "correct_answer": "Dubai", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Riyadh", - "Mecca", - "Medina" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Formula One driver was nicknamed 'The Professor'?", - "correct_answer": "Alain Prost", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ayrton Senna", - "Niki Lauda", - "Emerson Fittipaldi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Green Eggs And Ham" is a book by which author?", - "correct_answer": "Dr. Seuss", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Beatrix Potter", - "Roald Dahl", - "A.A. Milne" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The names of Roxas's Keyblades in Kingdom Hearts are "Oathkeeper" and "Oblivion".", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "On what medium was "Clannad" first created?", - "correct_answer": "Visual novel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Anime", - "Manga", - "Light novel" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What does LASER stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lite analysing by stereo ecorazer", - "Light amplifier by standby energy of radio", - "Life antimatter by standing entry of range" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the region conjoining Pakistan, India, and China with unknown leadership called?", - "correct_answer": "Kashmir", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Andorra", - "Gibraltar", - "Quin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What book series published by Jim Butcher follows a wizard in modern day Chicago?", - "correct_answer": "The Dresden Files", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A Hat in Time", - "The Cinder Spires", - "My Life as a Teenage Wizard" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who was the Author of the manga Uzumaki?", - "correct_answer": "Junji Ito", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "\tNoboru Takahashi", - "Akira Toriyama", - "Masashi Kishimoto" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In quantum physics, which of these theorised sub-atomic particles has yet to be observed?", - "correct_answer": "Graviton", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Z boson", - "Tau neutrino", - "Gluon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who plays Jack Burton in the movie "Big Trouble in Little China?"", - "correct_answer": "Kurt Russell", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Patrick Swayze", - "John Cusack", - "Harrison Ford" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What does a milliner make and sell?", - "correct_answer": "Hats", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shoes", - "Belts", - "Shirts" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar for Best Actor in 2004's "The Aviator".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which game did NOT get financed via Crowdfunding?", - "correct_answer": "Enter the Gungeon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Town of Salem", - "Undertale", - "Tower Unite" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the fighting game "Skullgirls," which character utilizes a folding chair called the "Hurting" as a weapon?", - "correct_answer": "Beowulf", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Big Band", - "Squigly", - "Cerebella" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many classes are there in Team Fortress 2?", - "correct_answer": "9", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "10", - "8", - "7" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which supercar company is from Sweden?", - "correct_answer": "Koenigsegg", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bugatti", - "Lamborghini", - "McLaren" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The new One World Trade Center in Manhattan, New York City was designed by which architect? ", - "correct_answer": "David Childs", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bjarke Ingels", - "Michael Arad", - "Fumihiko Maki" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Released in 2001, the first edition of Apple's Mac OS X operating system (version 10.0) was given what animal code name?", - "correct_answer": "Cheetah", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Puma", - "Tiger", - "Leopard" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Sci-Fi television show Doctor Who, who plays the Tenth Doctor?", - "correct_answer": "David Tennant", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "William Hartnell", - "Peter Capaldi", - "Peter Davison" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which professional wrestler fell from the rafters to his death during a live Pay-Per-View event in 1999?", - "correct_answer": "Owen Hart", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chris Benoit", - "Lex Luger", - "Al Snow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these founding fathers of the United States of America later became president?", - "correct_answer": "James Monroe", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Alexander Hamilton", - "Samuel Adams", - "Roger Sherman" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "List the following Iranic empires in chronological order:", - "correct_answer": "Median, Achaemenid, Parthian, Sassanid", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Median, Achaemenid, Sassanid, Parthian", - "Achaemenid, Median, Parthian, Sassanid", - "Achaemenid, Median, Sassanid, Parthian" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which puzzle game was designed by a Russian programmer, featuring Russian buildings and music?", - "correct_answer": "Tetris", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jenga", - "Boulder Dash", - "Puzzled" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these online games was originally named LindenWorld in it's early development?", - "correct_answer": "SecondLife", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "ActiveWorlds", - "IMVU", - "HabboHotel" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Game of Thrones, what continent lies across the Narrow Sea from Westeros?", - "correct_answer": "Essos", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Easteros", - "Westereast", - "Esuntos" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The "Trail of Tears" was a result of which United States President's Indian Removal Policy?", - "correct_answer": "Andrew Jackson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Harry S. Truman", - "Martin Van Buren", - "John Quincy Adams" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The cake depicted in Valve's "Portal" franchise most closely resembles which real-world type of cake?", - "correct_answer": "Black Forest", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Devil's Food", - "Molten Chocolate", - "German Chocolate" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the name of one of the surviving palaces of Henry VIII located near Richmond, London?", - "correct_answer": "Hampton Court", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "St James's Palace", - "Buckingham Palace", - "Coughton Court" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Tokyo is the capital of Japan.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Star Trek", what is the Klingon delicacy of "gagh" made from?", - "correct_answer": "Serpent worms", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Earthworms", - "Spaghetti noodles", - "Klingworms" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "On the NBC show Community what was Star Burns' real name?", - "correct_answer": "Alex", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Todd", - "Neal", - "Grimus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Fields Medal, one of the most sought after awards in mathematics, is awarded every how many years?", - "correct_answer": "4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "3", - "5", - "6" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which European capital city gives its name to a 1981 song by Ultravox?", - "correct_answer": "Vienna", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Berlin", - "Paris", - "Brussels" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In 2012 the German-speaking microstate "Liechtenstein" in Central Europe had a population of how many inhabitants?", - "correct_answer": "36,600", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2,400", - "90,000", - "323,400" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the server hosting industry IaaS stands for...", - "correct_answer": "Infrastructure as a Service", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Internet as a Service", - "Internet and a Server", - "Infrastructure as a Server" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The human heart has how many chambers?", - "correct_answer": "4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2", - "6", - "3" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these songs does NOT play during the Ruins segments of the 2015 game "Undertale"?", - "correct_answer": "Another Medium", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Anticipation", - "Unnecessary Tension", - "Ruins" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Call Of Duty: Zombies", you can upgrade the "Apothicon Servant" in the "Shadows Of Evil" map.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "According to "Star Wars" lore, which planet does Obi-Wan Kenobi come from?", - "correct_answer": "Stewjon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Alderaan", - "Tatooine", - "Naboo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Need for Speed: Underground, what car does Eddie drive?", - "correct_answer": "Nissan Skyline GT-R (R34)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mazda RX-7 FD3S", - "Acura Integra Type R", - "Subaru Impreza 2.5 RS" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The singer Billie Holiday was also known as "Lady Day".", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Townsend Coleman provided the voice for which turtle in the original 1987 series of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"?", - "correct_answer": "Michelangelo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Leonardo", - "Donatello", - "Raphael" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Final Fantasy game consisted of a female-only cast of party members?", - "correct_answer": "Final Fantasy X-2", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Final Fantasy IX", - "Final Fantasy V", - "Final Fantasy XIII-2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The man that shot Alexander Hamilton was named Aaron Burr.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which two teams played in Super Bowl XLII?", - "correct_answer": "The New York Giants & The New England Patriots", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Green Bay Packers & The Pittsburgh Steelers", - "The Philadelphia Eagles & The New England Patriots", - "The Seattle Seahawks & The Denver Broncos" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Black Hammer, what city did the heroes save from the Anti-God?", - "correct_answer": "Spiral City", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mega-City One", - "Rockwood", - "Star City" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The original Planetside was released in North America on...", - "correct_answer": "May 20, 2003", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "June 17, 2001", - "September 29, 2003", - "January 14, 2005" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who played Batman in the 1997 film "Batman and Robin"?", - "correct_answer": "George Clooney", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Michael Keaton", - "Val Kilmer", - "Christian Bale" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the programming language "Python", which of these statements would display the string "Hello World" correctly?", - "correct_answer": "print("Hello World")", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "console.log("Hello World")", - "echo "Hello World"", - "printf("Hello World")" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the smallest country in South America by area?", - "correct_answer": "Suriname", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Brazil", - "Uruguay", - "Chile" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the family that the domestic cat is a member of?", - "correct_answer": "Felidae", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Felinae", - "Felis", - "Cat" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The 'D' in the term "D-Mail" from the game "Steins; Gate" is short for what?", - "correct_answer": "DeLorean", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Deep", - "Demo", - "Dev" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the default name of the Vampire character in "Shining Soul 2".", - "correct_answer": "Bloodstar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sachs", - "Dracuul", - "Alucard" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The word "astasia" means which of the following?", - "correct_answer": "The inability to stand up", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The inability to make decisions", - "The inability to concentrate on anything", - "A feverish desire to rip one's clothes off" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Resident Evil 7" is the first first-person Resident Evil game.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these artists do NOT originate from France?", - "correct_answer": "The Chemical Brothers", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Air", - "Justice", - "Daft Punk" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What did the first moving picture depict?", - "correct_answer": "A galloping horse", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A woman in a dress", - "A man walking", - "A crackling fire" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the title of the first Sherlock Holmes book by Arthur Conan Doyle?", - "correct_answer": "A Study in Scarlet", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Sign of the Four", - "A Case of Identity", - "The Doings of Raffles Haw" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is former United States President Bill Clinton's full name?", - "correct_answer": "William Jefferson Clinton", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "William Roosevelt Clinton", - "William Truman Clinton", - "William Lincoln Clinton" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What mythology did the god "Apollo" come from?", - "correct_answer": "Greek and Roman", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Roman and Spanish", - "Greek and Chinese", - "Greek, Roman and Norse" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What team did England beat to win in the 1966 World Cup final?", - "correct_answer": "West Germany", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Soviet Union", - "Portugal", - "Brazil" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Autosomal-dominant Compelling Helio-Ophthalmic Outburst syndrome is the need to do what when seeing the Sun?", - "correct_answer": "Sneeze", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cough", - "Yawn", - "Hiccup" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Slovakia is a member of European Union-", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the anime Seven Deadly Sins what is the name of one of the sins?", - "correct_answer": "Diane", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sakura", - "Ayano", - "Sheska" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "During development of "Super Mario World", Yoshi's hard saddle was originally which of these?", - "correct_answer": "A shell", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A slide of Gelatin", - "A poffin", - "A spike" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a song by Pegboard Nerds?", - "correct_answer": "WiFi Tears", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Swamp Thing", - "Emoji", - "BAMF" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "According to Fair Works Australia, how long do you have to work to get Long Service Leave?", - "correct_answer": "7 years", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2 years", - "8 years", - "6 months" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Popcorn was invented in 1871 by Frederick W. Rueckheim in the USA where he sold the snack on the streets of Chicago.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When was the Playstation 3 released?", - "correct_answer": "November 11, 2006", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "January 8, 2007", - "December 25, 2007", - "July 16, 2006" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The seed drill was invented by which British inventor?", - "correct_answer": "Jethro Tull", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Charles Babbage", - "Isaac Newton", - "J.J Thomson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these TrackMania environments was NOT in the original game?", - "correct_answer": "Bay", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Desert", - "Snow", - "Rally" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many federal states does Germany have?", - "correct_answer": "16", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "13", - "32", - "25" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these colours is NOT featured in the logo for Google?", - "correct_answer": "Pink", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Yellow", - "Blue", - "Green" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the Swedish word for "window"?", - "correct_answer": "Fönster", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hål", - "Skärm", - "Ruta" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Where and when was the first cardboard box made for industrial use?", - "correct_answer": "England, 1817", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "United States, 1817", - "England, 1917", - "United States, 1917" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Second Boer War in 1899 was fought where?", - "correct_answer": "South Africa", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Argentina", - "Nepal", - "Bulgaria" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the movie "Cast Away" the main protagonist's best friend while on the island is named", - "correct_answer": "Wilson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Carson", - "Jackson", - "Willy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What name does the little headcrab in "Half Life 2" have?", - "correct_answer": "Lamarr", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jumperr", - "Drett", - "Jerry" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Formula E is an auto racing series that uses hybrid electric race cars.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Minecraft" was released from beta in 2011 during a convention held in which city?", - "correct_answer": "Las Vegas", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Paris", - "Bellevue", - "London" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "One Piece", who is the girl who overcame her enslaved past and became an agent of an army to fight the corrupt government?", - "correct_answer": "Koala", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Boa Hancock", - "Nico Robin", - "Emporio Ivankov " - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following card games revolves around numbers and basic math?", - "correct_answer": "Uno", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Go Fish", - "Twister", - "Munchkin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the land connecting North America and South America?", - "correct_answer": "Isthmus of Panama", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Isthmus of Suez", - "Urals", - "Australasia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What film did James Cameron's Avatar dethrone as the highest-grossing film ever?", - "correct_answer": "Titanic", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Star Wars", - "Gone with the Wind", - "Jaws" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Kingdom Hearts", what is the name of Sora's home world?", - "correct_answer": "Destiny Islands", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Agrabah", - "Land of Departure", - "Disney Town" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the capital of Wisconsin, USA?", - "correct_answer": "Madison", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Milwaukee", - "Wisconsin Dells", - "Green Bay" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the name of the Wu-Tang Clan album Martin Shkreli bought for $2 million dollars?", - "correct_answer": "Once Upon a Time in Shaolin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A Better Tomorrow", - "8 Diagrams", - "The Saga Continues" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The architect known as Le Corbusier was an important figure in what style of architecture?", - "correct_answer": "Modernism", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Neoclassical", - "Baroque", - "Gothic Revival" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What breed of dog was Marley in the film "Marley & Me" (2008)?", - "correct_answer": "Labrador Retriever", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Golden Retriever", - "Dalmatian", - "Shiba Inu" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Indie Game Development Studio Cing, developers of Hotel Dusk and Last Window, went bankrupt on March 1st, 2010.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the final game of the "Zero Escape" series called?", - "correct_answer": "Zero Escape Zero Time Dilemma ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors ", - "Zero Escape Virtue's Last Reward", - "The Nonary Game: Sigma's Last Life" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the 1971 film "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory", who played Willy Wonka?", - "correct_answer": "Gene Wilder", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shia LeBouf", - "Peter Ostrum", - "Johnny Depp" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Deadpool's identity is Slade Wilson.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which car company is the only Japanese company which won the 24 Hours of Le Mans?", - "correct_answer": "Mazda", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Toyota", - "Subaru", - "Nissan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In 2006, which band released their debut album "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out"?", - "correct_answer": "Panic! At the Disco", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Twenty One Pilots", - "My Chemical Romance", - "Fall Out Boy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Aperture Science CEO Cave Johnson is voiced by which American actor?", - "correct_answer": "J.K. Simmons", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nolan North", - "John Patrick Lowrie", - "Christopher Lloyd" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Computer manufacturer Compaq was acquired for $25 billion dollars in 2002 by which company?", - "correct_answer": "Hewlett-Packard", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Toshiba", - "Asus", - "Dell" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Gabe Newell was born in which year?", - "correct_answer": "1962 ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1970", - "1960", - "1972" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Harry Potter series of books, combined, are over 1,000,000 words in length.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the three headed dog in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone?", - "correct_answer": "Fluffy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Spike", - "Poofy", - "Spot" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The song "Stronger Than You" is a single by Estelle, who played Garnet in Steven Universe.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the cartoon character, Andy Capp, known as in Germany?", - "correct_answer": "Willi Wakker", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dick Tingeler", - "Helmut Schmacker", - "Rod Tapper" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the code name for the Allied invasion of Southern France on August 15th, 1944?", - "correct_answer": "Operation Dragoon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Operation Overlord", - "Operation Market Garden", - "Operation Torch" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the first track on the Dave Matthews Band album "Before These Crowded Streets"?", - "correct_answer": "Pantala Naga Pampa", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Stay (Wasting Time)", - "Rapunzel", - "Don't Drink The Water" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these 1900s tanks were designed and built BEFORE the others?", - "correct_answer": "Renault FT", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "M4 Sherman", - " Panzer IV", - "Cromwell " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following spacecraft never touched the moon?", - "correct_answer": "Mariner 4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Apollo 11", - "Luna 2", - "SMART-1" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "FLAC stands for "Free Lossless Audio Condenser"'", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "On which day did construction start on "The Pentagon", the headquarters for the United States Department of Defense?", - "correct_answer": "September 11, 1941", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "June 15, 1947", - "January 15, 1943", - "September 2, 1962" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Cook, Serve, Delicious!, which food is NOT included in the game?", - "correct_answer": "Pie", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shish Kabob", - "Hamburger", - "Lasagna" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the oldest team in Major League Baseball?", - "correct_answer": "Atlanta Braves", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chicago Cubs", - "Cincinnati Reds", - "St. Louis Cardinals" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who led the Communist Revolution of Russia?", - "correct_answer": "Vladimir Lenin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Joseph Stalin", - "Vladimir Putin", - "Mikhail Gorbachev" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Foodfight!" earned less than $80,000 at box office.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Need for Speed: Porsche Unleashed", the player can only drive cars manufactured by Porsche.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which portion of the Marijuana plant produces the psychoactive substance known as THC?", - "correct_answer": "Female Flower", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Leaves", - "Male Flower", - "Root Ball" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many planets make up our Solar System?", - "correct_answer": "8", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "7", - "9", - "6" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The difference between the lengths of a Boeing 777-300ER and an Airbus A350-1000 is closest to:", - "correct_answer": "0.1m", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1m", - "10m ", - "100m" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the Artificial Intelligence system in the 1983 film, "WarGames"?", - "correct_answer": "War Operation Plan Response", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Self Evolving Thought Helix", - "Master Control Program", - "West Campus Analog Computer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Kingdom Hearts the Paopu fruit is said to intertwine the destinies for two people forever.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is not an Ed Sheeran album?", - "correct_answer": "-", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "+", - "X", - "÷" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Toby Fox's "Megalovania" was first used where?", - "correct_answer": "Radiation's Earthbound Halloween Hack", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Homestuck: [S] Wake", - "Undertale", - "Mother: Cognitive Dissonance" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What animal is featured in "Bloons TD Battles"?", - "correct_answer": "Monkeys", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Alligators", - "Pigeons", - "Lizards" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the 1980s, a service called Gameline allowed users to download games to what console?", - "correct_answer": "Atari 2600", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sega Genesis", - "Nintendo Entertainment System", - "ColecoVision" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which candy is NOT made by Mars?", - "correct_answer": "Almond Joy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "M&M's", - "Twix", - "Snickers" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who performed the opening theme song for the James Bond 007 movie "Goldfinger"?", - "correct_answer": "Shirley Basey", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tom Jones", - "John Barry", - "Sheena Easton" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the last boss in Night In The Woods' Demontower minigame?", - "correct_answer": "The Blood Thief", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mega Hairball ", - "King Skellie ", - "Krampus " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the name of the police officer in the cartoon "Top Cat"?", - "correct_answer": "Dibble", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Barbrady", - "Mahoney", - "Murphy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Norse mythology, Thor once dressed as a woman.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The theme for the popular science fiction series "Doctor Who" was composed by who?", - "correct_answer": "Ron Grainer", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Murray Gold", - "Delia Derbyshire", - "Peter Howell" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The "Tibia" is found in which part of the body?", - "correct_answer": "Leg", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Arm", - "Hand", - "Head" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "There exists an island named "Java".", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who created the indie adventure game "Night in the Woods"?", - "correct_answer": "Alec Holowka", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ron Gilbert", - "Tim Schafer", - " Tommy Refenes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "An isosceles triangle has two sides of equal length as opposed to three.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Maluku islands (informally known as the Spice Islands) belong to which country?", - "correct_answer": "Indonesia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chile", - "New Zealand", - "Fiji" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What age was King Henry V when he died?", - "correct_answer": "35", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "62", - "87", - "73" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a song on The Beatles' 1968 self titled album, also known as the White album?", - "correct_answer": "Being For The Benefit Of Mr. Kite!", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?", - "Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey", - "The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these movies did Jeff Bridges not star in?", - "correct_answer": "The Hateful Eight", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tron: Legacy", - "The Giver", - "True Grit" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the capital of the State of Washington, United States?", - "correct_answer": "Olympia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Washington D.C.", - "Seattle", - "Yukon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The novel "Jane Eyre" was written by what author? ", - "correct_answer": "Charlotte Brontë", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Emily Brontë", - "Jane Austen", - "Louisa May Alcott" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In DuckTales, what is the name of the city where all the main characters live?", - "correct_answer": "Duckburg", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Duckwing", - "Tailspin", - "Wingford" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which pop singer was brought in by SEGA to produce the music for "Sonic the Hedgehog 3"?", - "correct_answer": "Michael Jackson ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Prince", - "George Michael", - "Vanilla Ice " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which city features all of their professional sports teams' jersey's with the same color scheme?", - "correct_answer": "Pittsburgh", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "New York", - "Seattle", - "Tampa Bay" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these American cities has fewer than 1,000,000 people?", - "correct_answer": "San Francisco, California", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Phoenix, Arizona", - "San Antonio, Texas", - "Philadelphia, Pennsylvania" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these films is NOT set in Los Angeles?", - "correct_answer": "RoboCop", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Blade Runner", - "The Terminator", - "Predator 2" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who created the digital distribution platform Steam?", - "correct_answer": "Valve", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pixeltail Games", - "Ubisoft", - "Electronic Arts" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What tool lends it's name to a last-stone advantage in an end in Curling?", - "correct_answer": "Hammer", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wrench", - "Drill", - "Screwdriver" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who played Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard in the 1993 film "The Fugitive"?", - "correct_answer": "Tommy Lee Jones", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Harrison Ford", - "Harvey Keitel", - "Martin Landau" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What are the first 6 digits of the number "Pi"?", - "correct_answer": "3.14159", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "3.14169", - "3.12423", - "3.25812" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these levels does NOT appear in the console/PC versions of the game "Sonic Generations"?", - "correct_answer": "Mushroom Hill", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "City Escape", - "Planet Wisp", - "Sky Sanctuary" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Peyton Manning retired after winning Super Bowl XLIX.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which driver has been the Formula 1 world champion for a record 7 times?", - "correct_answer": "Michael Schumacher", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ayrton Senna", - "Fernando Alonso", - "Jim Clark" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Ananas" is mostly used as the word for Pineapple in other languages.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What two characters from the game Undertale are never in a relationship or not related?", - "correct_answer": "Frisk & Chara", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sans & Papyrus", - "Toriel & Asgore", - "Alphys & Undyne" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Gordon Freeman is said to have burnt and destroyed what food in the break room microwave?", - "correct_answer": "Casserole", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sub Sandwich", - "Chicken Soup", - "Pepperoni Pizza" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the bloodiest event in United States history, in terms of casualties?", - "correct_answer": "Battle of Antietam", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pearl Harbor", - "September 11th", - "D-Day" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who invented Pastafarianism?", - "correct_answer": "Bobby Henderson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Eric Tignor", - "Bill Nye", - "Zach Soldi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these voices wasn't a choice for the House AI in "The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror" short, House of Whacks?", - "correct_answer": "George Clooney", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Matthew Perry", - "Dennis Miller", - "Pierce Brosnan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many games are there in the "Colony Wars" series for the PlayStation?", - "correct_answer": "3", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2", - "4", - "5" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the species of the "Predator" in the 1987 movie "Predator"?", - "correct_answer": "Yautja", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Xenomorph", - "Praetorian", - "Phocrex" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Kingdom Hearts, how many members does Organization XIII have in total?", - "correct_answer": "14", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "10", - "13", - "12" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which M83 album is the song "Midnight City" featured in?", - "correct_answer": "Hurry Up, We're Dreaming", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Saturdays = Youth", - "Before the Dawn Heals Us", - "Junk" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The bikini is named after the "Bikini Atoll", an island where the United States conducted tests on atomic bombs.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Josh Mansour is part of what NRL team?", - "correct_answer": "Penrith Panthers", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Melbourne Storm", - "Sydney Roosters", - "North Queensland Cowboys" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which is not a playable character in the 2005 video game Killer7?", - "correct_answer": "Frank Smith", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mask de Smith", - "Dan Smith", - "Coyote Smith" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following Elite Four members from the 6th Generation of Pokémon was a member of Team Flare?", - "correct_answer": "Malva", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Siebold", - "Wikstrom", - "Drasna" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which class of animals are newts members of?", - "correct_answer": "Amphibian", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fish", - "Reptiles", - "Mammals" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How much did the indie game "Cave Story" cost when it was first released in 2004?", - "correct_answer": "$0 USD", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "$5 USD", - "$10 USD", - "$15 USD" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which American celebrity died in 1977 playing golf in La Moraleja, Madrid?", - "correct_answer": "Bing Crosby", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Elvis Presley", - "Charlie Chaplin", - "Groucho Marx" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following won the first season of American Idol in 2002?", - "correct_answer": "Kelly Clarkson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Justin Guarini", - "Ruben Studdard", - "Chris Daughtry" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What country was the Trabant 601 manufactured in?", - "correct_answer": "East Germany", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Soviet Union", - "Hungary", - "France" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "All of the following human genetic haplogroup names are shared between Y-chromosome and mitochondrial DNA haplogroups EXCEPT:", - "correct_answer": "Haplogroup U", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Haplogroup L", - "Haplogroup T", - "Haplogroup J" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which coding language was the #1 programming language in terms of usage on GitHub in 2015?", - "correct_answer": "JavaScript", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "C#", - "Python", - "PHP" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the official language of Bhutan?", - "correct_answer": "Dzongkha", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ladakhi", - "Karen", - "Groma" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these game franchises were made by Namco?", - "correct_answer": "Tekken", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Street Fighter", - "Mortal Kombat", - "Dragon Quest" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What album did The Lumineers release in 2016?", - "correct_answer": "Cleopatra", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Winter", - "The Lumineers", - "Tracks From The Attic" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Pistons were added to Minecraft in Beta 1.5.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these book series is by James Patterson?", - "correct_answer": "Maximum Ride", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Harry Potter", - "The Legend of Xanth", - "The Bartemaeus Trilogy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The USS Missouri (BB-63) last served in the Korean War.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who was among those killed in the 2010 Smolensk, Russia plane crash tragedy?", - "correct_answer": "The Polish President", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pope John Paul II", - "Bang-Ding Ow", - "Albert Putin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "From what show is the character "James Doakes"? ", - "correct_answer": "Dexter", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Marvel's Daredevil", - "Boardwalk Empire", - "The Walking Dead" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following liquids is least viscous? Assume temperature is 25°C.", - "correct_answer": "Acetone", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Water", - "Mercury", - "Benzene" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The word "news" originates from the first letters of the 4 main directions on a compass (North, East, West, South).", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the chemical formula for ammonia?", - "correct_answer": "NH3", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "CO2", - "NO3", - "CH4" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the original Star Wars trilogy, David Prowse was the actor who physically portrayed Darth Vader.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these is not a key value of Agile software development?", - "correct_answer": "Comprehensive documentation", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Individuals and interactions", - "Customer collaboration", - "Responding to change" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the original DOOM (1993) which of the following is NOT a cheat code?", - "correct_answer": "IDCLIP", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "IDFA", - "IDDQD", - "IDSPISPOPD" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the personal nickname of the 40th Governor of the US State Louisiana, Huey Long?", - "correct_answer": "The Kingfish", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Champ", - "The Hoot Owl", - "The Oracle" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the adventurer you meet at the mines in Stardew Valley?", - "correct_answer": "Marlon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Marnie", - "Morris", - "Marvin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The common software-programming acronym "I18N" comes from the term "Interlocalization".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The word "Inception" came from the 2010 blockbuster hit "Inception".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which one of the following rhythm games was made by Harmonix?", - "correct_answer": "Rock Band", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Meat Beat Mania", - "Guitar Hero Live", - "Dance Dance Revolution" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Rocket League is a game which features..", - "correct_answer": "Cars", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Helicopters", - "Planes", - "Submarines" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Overlord Anime who was Cocytus made by?", - "correct_answer": "Warrior Takemikazuchi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Peroroncino", - "Ulbert Alain Odle", - "Bukubukuchagama" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the title of ABBA`s first UK hit single?", - "correct_answer": "Waterloo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mamma Mia", - "Fernando", - "Dancing Queen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the standard frame rate for animation?", - "correct_answer": "24 FPS", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "12 FPS", - "30 FPS", - "60 FPS" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "This album, now considered to be one of the greatest of all time, was a commercial failure when it was released.", - "correct_answer": "The Velvet Underground and Nico", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Abbey Road", - "Led Zeppelin IV", - "Pet Sounds" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who built the first laser?", - "correct_answer": "Theodore Harold Maiman", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nikola Tesla", - "Jack Kilby", - "Edith Clarke" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In order to cut costs, what were most of the extras of Mad Max (1979) paid with?", - "correct_answer": "Beer", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fast food", - "Food stamps", - "They weren't paid" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who invented the "Spanning Tree Protocol"?", - "correct_answer": "Radia Perlman", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Paul Vixie", - "Vint Cerf", - "Michael Roberts" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the AK-47's name in Counter Strike: Source?", - "correct_answer": "CV-47", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "AK-74", - "AK", - "CZ-75" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Splatoon 2, who are the members of Off The Hook?", - "correct_answer": "Pearl & Marina", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Callie & Marie", - "Diamond & Aquamarina", - "DJ Octavio & Crusty Sean" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which one of these superhero teams appears in the Invincible comics?", - "correct_answer": "Guardians of the Globe", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Avengers", - "Justice League", - "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which artist collaborated with American DJ Dillon Francis to release the song 2016 "Need You"?", - "correct_answer": "NGHTMRE", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "LOUDPVCK", - "KRNE", - "DVBBS" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The element involved in making human blood red is which of the following?", - "correct_answer": "Iron", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Copper", - "Iridium", - "Cobalt" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the video game "Metal Gear Solid", what did Revolver Ocelot consider the greatest handgun ever made?", - "correct_answer": "Colt Single Action Army", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Colt Python", - "Colt M1892", - "Colt 1851 Navy Revolver" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "De Eemhof, Port Zelande and Het Heijderbos are holiday villas owned by what company?", - "correct_answer": "Center Parcs", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Yelloh Village", - "Keycamp", - "Villa Plus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What sport is being played in the Anime Eyeshield 21?", - "correct_answer": "American Football", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Baseball", - "Football", - "Basketball" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the aim of the "Umbrella Revolution" in Hong Kong in 2014?", - "correct_answer": "Genuine universal suffrage", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gaining Independence", - "Go back under British Rule", - "Lower taxes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Pokémon Sun and Moon", Team Skull took over which town?", - "correct_answer": "Po Town", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Heahea City", - "Tapu Village", - "Iki Town" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which former Star Trek actor directed Three Men and a Baby (1987)?", - "correct_answer": "Leonard Nimoy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "William Shatner", - "George Takei", - "James Doohan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many notes are there on a standard grand piano?", - "correct_answer": "88", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "98", - "108", - "78" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the year 1900, what were the most popular first names given to boy and girl babies born in the United States?", - "correct_answer": "John and Mary", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Joseph and Catherine", - "William and Elizabeth", - "George and Anne" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "There is a city called Rome in every continent on Earth.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The United States was a member of the League of Nations.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which one of these is scientific term for "Brain Freeze"?", - "correct_answer": "Sphenopalatine Ganglioneuralgia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hyacinthoides Italica", - "Amaranthus Retroflexus", - "Amblyomma Americanum" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The "Pepe" meme originated from a comic drawn by Matt Furie called "Boy's Club"?", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Ms. Kobayashi's Dragon Maid, who is Kobayashi's maid?", - "correct_answer": "Tohru", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lucoa", - "Kanna", - "Elma" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the "S.T.A.L.K.E.R." series, which of these items can't be used to lower the player's accumulated radiation?", - "correct_answer": "Radioprotectant", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Anti-rad", - "Medkit", - "Vodka" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the last Marx Brothers film to feature Zeppo?", - "correct_answer": "Duck Soup", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A Night at the Opera", - "A Day at the Races", - "Monkey Business" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the album released in 2014 by American band Maroon 5?", - "correct_answer": "V", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "X", - "III", - "IV" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name the location-based augmented reality game developed by Niantic before Pokémon GO?", - "correct_answer": "Ingress", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Aggress", - "Regress", - "Digress" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which 80s band is fronted by singer/guitarist Robert Smith?", - "correct_answer": "The Cure", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Smiths", - "Echo & the Bunnymen", - "New Order" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How tall is One World Trade Center in New York City?", - "correct_answer": "1,776 ft", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1,888 ft", - "1,225 ft", - "1,960 ft" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the "Call Of Duty: Zombies" map "Der Riese", what is the name of the "Pack-A-Punched PPSH-41"?", - "correct_answer": "The Reaper", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lamentation", - "The Grim Reaper", - "The Eviscerator " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the 2000 video game "Crimson Skies," what was the name of the protagonists' zeppelin?", - "correct_answer": "Pandora", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Helios", - "Icarus", - "Orion" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which genre of Hip Hop does MC Frontalot rap?", - "correct_answer": "Nerdcore", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Horrorcore", - "Christian", - "Crunk" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which actress married Michael Douglas in 2000?", - "correct_answer": "Catherine Zeta-Jones", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ruth Jones", - "Pam Ferris", - "Sara Sugarman" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the right way to spell the capital of Hungary?", - "correct_answer": "Budapest", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Boodapest", - "Bhudapest", - "Budapast" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "TF2: What code does Soldier put into the door keypad in "Meet the Spy"?", - "correct_answer": "1111", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1432", - "1337", - "No code" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is a Burgee?", - "correct_answer": "A flag", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A rope", - "A window", - "A type of food" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "If someone said "you are olid", what would they mean?", - "correct_answer": "You smell extremely unpleasant.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "You are out of shape/weak.", - "Your appearance is repulsive.", - "You are incomprehensible/an idiot." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Statue of Liberty's official name is “Liberty Enlightening the World”.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who sings the rap song "Secret Wars Part 1"?", - "correct_answer": "The Last Emperor", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "MC Frontalot", - "Busdriver", - "Masta Killa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the Naruto manga, what is the last name of Tsunade?", - "correct_answer": "Senju", - 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"difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Portal series of games, who was the founder of Aperture Science?", - "correct_answer": "Cave Johnson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "GLaDOs", - "Wallace Breen", - "Gordon Freeman" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Krusty is the guild master of which guild in "Log Horizon"?", - "correct_answer": "D. D. D", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Silver Sword", - "West Wind Brigade", - "Oceanic Systems (Marine Agency)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In 1961, an American B-52 aircraft crashed and nearly detonated two 4mt nuclear bombs over which US city?", - "correct_answer": "Goldsboro, North Carolina", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hicksville, New York", - "Jacksonville, Florida", - "Conway, Arkansas" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the official national language of Pakistan?", - "correct_answer": "Urdu", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Indian", - "Punjabi", - "Pashto" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the highest belt you can get in Taekwondo?", - "correct_answer": "Black", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "White", - "Red", - "Green" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""Windows NT" is a monolithic kernel.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the age of Ash Ketchum in Pokemon when he starts his journey?", - "correct_answer": "10", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "11", - "12", - "9" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many cores does the Intel i7-6950X have?", - "correct_answer": "10", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "12", - "8", - "4" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the Portuguese word for "Brazil"?", - "correct_answer": "Brasil", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Brazil", - "Brasilia", - "Brasíl" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is the only fighter in the game "Super Smash Bros. Melee" capable of dealing damage with their taunt animation?", - "correct_answer": "Luigi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mr. Game & Watch", - "Jigglypuff", - "Pichu" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year was the card game Magic: the Gathering first introduced?", - "correct_answer": "1993", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1987", - "1998", - "2003" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Cesar Romero played which iconic Batman villain from the 1960's TV show?", - "correct_answer": "The Joker", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Penguin", - "The Riddler", - "Mr. Freeze" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the show "Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids", what is the name of the characters' fictional gang?", - "correct_answer": "The Junkyard Gang", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Trash Troupe", - "The Scrapyard Seven", - "The Rotten Posse" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following is not a character in the video game Doki Doki Literature Club?", - "correct_answer": "Nico", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Monika", - "Natsuki", - "Sayori" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Hel was the daughter of which Norse Mythological figure?", - "correct_answer": "Loki", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Thor", - "Odin", - "Balder" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the video game, Half-life, what event started the Half-life universe as we know today?", - "correct_answer": "The Resonance Cascade", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "World War 3", - "The Xen Attack", - "The Black Mesa Nuke" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which company has exclusive rights to air episodes of the "The Grand Tour"?", - "correct_answer": "Amazon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Netflix", - "BBC", - "CCTV" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What year did the New Orleans Saints win the Super Bowl?", - "correct_answer": "2010", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2008", - "2009", - "2011" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "At the end of the 2001 film "Rat Race", whose concert do the contestants crash?", - "correct_answer": "Smash Mouth", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bowling for Soup", - "Sum 41", - "Linkin Park" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The character Plum from "No Game No Life" is of what race?", - "correct_answer": "Dhampir", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Flügel", - "Imanity", - "Seiren" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the main protagonist in Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair?", - "correct_answer": "Hajime Hinata", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nagito Komaeda", - "Makoto Naegi", - "Junko Enoshima" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the capital city of New Zealand?", - "correct_answer": "Wellington", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Auckland", - "Christchurch", - "Melbourne" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following is an album by punk rock band Anti-Flag?", - "correct_answer": "For Blood And Empire", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Infinity On High", - "21st Century Breakdown", - "No Pads, No Helmets...Just Balls" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the game Battleblock Theater, what was the name of the voice actor who voiced the narrator?", - "correct_answer": "Will Stamper", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Steve Blum", - "Richard Epcar", - "Yuri Lowenthal" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Halo 2, how many rounds does the M6C hold in a single magazine?", - "correct_answer": "12", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "6", - "36", - "18" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who made the discovery of X-rays?", - "correct_answer": "Wilhelm Conrad Röntgen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Thomas Alva Edison", - "James Watt", - "Albert Einstein" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The towns of Brugelette, Arlon and Ath are located in which country?", - "correct_answer": "Belgium", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Andorra", - "France", - "Luxembourg" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which one of these games wasn't released in 2016?", - "correct_answer": "Metal Gear Solid V", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tom Clancy's The Division", - "Killing Floor 2", - "Hitman" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many rooms are there, not including the hallways and the set of stairs, in the board game "Clue"?", - "correct_answer": "9", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1", - "6", - "10" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year did Australia become a federation?", - "correct_answer": "1901", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1910", - "1899", - "1911" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Star Trek", Klingons respect William Shakespeare, they even suspect him having a Klingon lineage.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which location does Dark Sun Gwyndolin reside in "Dark Souls"?", - "correct_answer": "Anor Londo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Firelink Shrine", - "Blighttown", - "Kiln of the first flame" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the most commonly used noun in the English language?", - "correct_answer": "Time", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Home", - "Water", - "Man" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The most graphically violent game to precede the creation of the ESRB (Entertainment Software Rating Board) was...", - "correct_answer": "Mortal Kombat", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Duke Nukem", - "Resident Evil", - "Doom" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "On which day did the attempted coup d'etat of 1991 in the Soviet Union begin?", - "correct_answer": "August 19", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "August 21", - "December 26", - "December 24" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the official language of Costa Rica?", - "correct_answer": "Spanish", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "English", - "Portuguese", - "Creole" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following is an existing family in "The Sims"?", - "correct_answer": "The Goth Family", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Family", - "The Simoleon Family", - "The Proud Family" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Call of Duty: United Offensive, what two soldiers share a name of a video game character?", - "correct_answer": "Gordon & Freeman", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sam & Fisher", - "Nathan & Drake", - "Dig & Dug" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is a type of stretch/deep tendon reflex?", - "correct_answer": "Ankle jerk reflex", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gag reflex", - "Pupillary light reflex", - "Scratch reflex" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of the protagonist of J.D. Salinger's novel Catcher in the Rye?", - "correct_answer": "Holden Caulfield", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fletcher Christian", - "Jay Gatsby", - "Randall Flagg" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who was featured in the song "Words" by Feint? ", - "correct_answer": "Laura Brehm", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Anna Yvette ", - "Danyka Nadeau", - "Veela" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which animation studio animated "Hidamari Sketch"?", - "correct_answer": "Shaft", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Trigger", - "Kyoto Animation", - "Production I.G" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many furlongs are there in a mile?", - "correct_answer": "Eight", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Two", - "Four", - "Six" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the main theme song of "Sonic Adventure 2"?", - "correct_answer": "Live and Learn", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Open Your Heart", - "Can You Feel the Sunshine?", - "His World" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which modern day country is the region that was known as Phrygia in ancient times?", - "correct_answer": "Turkey", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Syria", - "Greece", - "Egypt" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Super Mario 3D World", the Double Cherry power-up originated from a developer accidentally making two characters controllable.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which "Fallout: New Vegas" quest is NOT named after a real-life song?", - "correct_answer": "They Went That-a-Way", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Come Fly With Me", - "Ain't That a Kick in the Head", - "Ring-a-Ding Ding" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The book "Fahrenheit 451" was written by whom?", - "correct_answer": "Ray Bradbury", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "R. L. Stine", - "Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart", - "Stephen King" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the capital of Estonia?", - "correct_answer": "Tallinn", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Helsinki", - "Tartu", - "Riga" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "To Love-Ru: Darkness", which of the girls attempt making a harem for Rito Yuuki?", - "correct_answer": "Momo Deviluke", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Yami (Golden Darkness)", - "Haruna Sairenji", - "Mea Kurosaki" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Dice Tower network of board game podcasts and videos is run by which individual?", - "correct_answer": "Tom Vasel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jason LeVine", - "Borth Sampson", - "Uncle Pennybags" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which player "kung-fu kicked" a Crystal Palace fan in January 1995?", - "correct_answer": "Eric Cantona", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "David Seamen", - "Ashley Cole", - "Mark Hughes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which member of the Wu-Tang Clan had only one verse in their debut album Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)?", - "correct_answer": "Masta Killa", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Method Man", - "Inspectah Deck", - "GZA" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Mad Max franchise, what type of car is the Pursuit Special driven by Max?", - "correct_answer": "Ford Falcon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Holden Monaro", - "Chrysler Valiant Charger", - "Pontiac Firebird" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which retired American football quarterback played himself in 'Ace Ventura: Pet Detective' and 'Little Nicky'?", - "correct_answer": "Dan Marino", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "John Elway", - "Tom Brady", - "Joe Montana" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "All program codes have to be compiled into an executable file in order to be run. This file can then be executed on any machine.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom for most of World War II?", - "correct_answer": "Winston Churchill", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Neville Chamberlain", - "Harold Macmillan", - "Edward Heath" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the title of Sakamoto Kyu's song "Ue o Muite Arukou" (I Look Up As I Walk) changed to in the United States?", - "correct_answer": "Sukiyaki", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Takoyaki", - "Sushi", - "Oden" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Time on Computers is measured via the EPOX System.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who is a pioneer of "Minimal Music" in 1960s?", - "correct_answer": "Steve Reich", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart", - "Brian Eno", - "Sigur Rós" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was the People's Republic of China founded?", - "correct_answer": "October 1, 1949", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "April 3, 1947", - "May 7, 1945", - "December 6, 1950" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is "James Rolfe" better known as?", - "correct_answer": "The Angry Video Game Nerd", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "TotalBiscuit", - "PeanutButterGamer", - "PewDiePie" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The walls of the Goldenrod City Gym in "Pokémon Gold and Silver" are arranged in the shape of which Pokémon?", - "correct_answer": "Clefairy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bulbasaur", - "Pikachu", - "Pidgey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When did construction of the Suez Canal finish?", - "correct_answer": "1869", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1859", - "1860", - "1850" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What lies at the center of our galaxy?", - "correct_answer": "A black hole", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A wormhole", - "A supernova", - "A quasar" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the character you play as in Yume Nikki?", - "correct_answer": "Madotsuki", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Masada", - "Uboa", - "Poniko" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which American family band had a 1986 top 10 hit with the song 'Crush On You'?", - "correct_answer": "The Jets", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "DeBarge", - "The Jacksons", - "The Cover Girls" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which is not a type of neuron?", - "correct_answer": "Perceptual Neuron", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sensory Neuron", - "Motor Neuron", - "Interneuron" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What do you call a baby bat?", - "correct_answer": "Pup", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cub", - "Chick", - "Kid" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The "K" in "K-Pop" stands for which word?", - "correct_answer": "Korean", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kenyan", - "Kazakhstan", - "Kuwaiti" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Overwatch", what is the name of Mercy's "ultimate ability"?", - "correct_answer": "Valkyrie", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Earthshatter", - "Rocket Barrage", - "Molten Core" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the name of the first MMORPG to popularize the genre?", - "correct_answer": "Ultima Online", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "World of Warcraft", - "Meridian 59", - "Guild Wars" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the make and model of the tour vehicles in "Jurassic Park" (1990)?", - "correct_answer": "1989 Toyota Land Cruiser", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1989 Jeep Wrangler YJ Sahar", - "1989 Ford Explorer XLT", - "Mercedes M-Class" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which animation studio produced "Sword Art Online"?", - "correct_answer": "A-1 Pictures", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Production I.G", - "Silver Link", - "Kyoto Animation" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "JoJo's Bizzare Adventure: Stardust Crusaders", what is the last name of the protagonist Jotaro?", - "correct_answer": "Kujo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cujoh", - "Joestar", - "Higashikata" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following British Monarchs never appeared on a circulated pound sterling coin?", - "correct_answer": "Edward VIII", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Victoria", - "George VI", - "Charles II" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the punishment for playing Postal 2 in New Zealand?", - "correct_answer": "10 years in prison and a fine of $50,000", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fine of $5,000", - "Nothing", - "15 years in prison and a fine of $10,000" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Daniel Radcliffe became a global star in the film industry due to his performance in which film franchise?", - "correct_answer": "Harry Potter", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ted", - "Spy Kids", - "Pirates of the Caribbean " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which track by "Massive Attack" is used for the theme of "House"? ", - "correct_answer": "Teardrop", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Protection", - "Angel", - "Black Milk" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In what year did the Wall Street Crash take place?", - "correct_answer": "1929", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1932", - "1930", - "1925" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What common name is given to the medial condition, tibial stress syndrome (MTSS)?", - "correct_answer": "Shin Splints", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tennis Elbow", - "Carpal Tunnel", - "Housemaid's Knee" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the title of the first Bond movie, released in 1962?", - "correct_answer": "Dr. No", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "From Russia with Love", - "Goldfinger", - "Thunderball" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Beatles album does NOT feature any of the band members on it's cover?", - "correct_answer": "The Beatles (White Album)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rubber Soul", - "Abbey Road", - "Magical Mystery Tour" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Sting, the lead vocalist of The Police, primarily plays what instrument?", - "correct_answer": "Bass Guitar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Drums", - "Guitar", - "Keyboards" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who turns out to be the true victor in the Battle of Armageddon in Mortal Kombat?", - "correct_answer": "Shao Kahn", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Liu Kang", - "Shang Tsung", - "Raiden" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which show is known for the songs "You are a Pirate", "Cooking by the Book" and "We Are Number One"?", - "correct_answer": "LazyTown", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sofia the First", - "DuckTales", - "Tom and Jerry" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Fiat Multipla is a drivable car in "Forza Horizon 3".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the alternate timeline in Mortal Kombat, which character was the one to slaughter the Shirai Ryu clan?", - "correct_answer": "Quan Chi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sub-Zero", - "Sektor", - "Shang Tsung" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What's the name of the main protagonist in the "Legend of Zelda" franchise?", - "correct_answer": "Link", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mario", - "Zelda", - "Pit" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "On a London Underground map, what colour is the Circle Line?", - "correct_answer": "Yellow", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Red", - "Blue", - "Green" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the robot in the 1951 science fiction film classic 'The Day the Earth Stood Still'?", - "correct_answer": "Gort", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Robby", - "Colossus", - "Box" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which one of these action movies are shot entirely in one take?", - "correct_answer": "Victoria", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ip Man 2", - "The Bourne Legacy", - "Léon: The Professional" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which is the most abundant element in the universe?", - "correct_answer": "Hydrogen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Helium", - "Lithium", - "Oxygen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which Italian footballer told Neuer where he's putting his shot and dragging it wide, during the match Italy-Germany, UEFA EURO 2016?", - "correct_answer": "Pelle", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Insigne", - "Barzagli", - "Giaccherini" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "On a standard Monopoly board, how much do you have to pay for Tennessee Ave?", - "correct_answer": "$180", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "$200", - "$160", - "$220" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Super Mario Bros., who informs Mario that the princess is in another castle?", - "correct_answer": "Toad", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Luigi", - "Yoshi", - "Bowser" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year were screenshots added to Steam?", - "correct_answer": "2011", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2010", - "2008", - "2009" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic", which of these ponies represents the quality of honesty?", - "correct_answer": "Applejack", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Twilight Sparkle", - "Pinkie Pie", - "Rarity" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following is not a prosecutor in the "Ace Attorney" video game series?", - "correct_answer": "Jake Marshall", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Godot", - "Miles Edgeworth", - "Jacques Portsman" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following games has the most playable characters?", - "correct_answer": "Timesplitters: Future Perfect", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mortal Kombat: Armageddon", - "Marvel Vs. Capcom 2", - "Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 3" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The Paradox Interactive game "Stellaris" was released in 2016.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following did not feature in the cartoon 'Wacky Races'?", - "correct_answer": "The Dragon Wagon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Bouldermobile", - "The Crimson Haybailer", - "The Compact Pussycat" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What mineral has the lowest number on the Mohs scale?", - "correct_answer": "Talc", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Quartz", - "Diamond", - "Gypsum" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who was not in the band "The Smiths"?", - "correct_answer": "Martin Chambers", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Morrissey", - "Andy Rourke", - "Mike Joyce" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the scientific name of the red fox?", - "correct_answer": "Vulpes Vulpes", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vulpes Redus", - "Red Fox", - "Vulpes Vulpie" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In what Disney movie can you spot the character "Pac-Man" in if you look closely enough in some scenes?", - "correct_answer": "Tron", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Big Hero 6", - "Fantasia", - "Monsters, Inc." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What CS:GO case contains the Butterfly Knife?", - "correct_answer": "Breakout Case", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shadow Case", - "Vanguard Case", - "Esports 2014 Case" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which "Call of Duty" game are the "Apothicons" introduced in the Zombies mode?", - "correct_answer": "Call Of Duty: Black Ops III", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Call Of Duty: Black Ops", - "Call Of Duty: World At War", - "Call Of Duty: Black Ops II" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following was the author of "Username Evie"?", - "correct_answer": "Joe Sugg", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Zoe Sugg", - "Joe Weller", - "Alfie Deyes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Prior to working at Wizards of the Coast, "Mark Rosewater" was a writer for which show?", - "correct_answer": "Roseanne", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Boy Meets World", - "The X-Files", - "NYPD Blue" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "A Boolean value of "0" represents which of these words?", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who rode on horseback to warn the Minutemen that the British were coming during the U.S. Revolutionary War?", - "correct_answer": "Paul Revere", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Thomas Paine", - "Henry Longfellow", - "Nathan Hale" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the molecular formula of the active component of chili peppers(Capsaicin)?", - "correct_answer": "C18H27NO3", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "C21H23NO3", - "C6H4Cl2", - "C13H25NO4" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "It is automatically considered entrapment in the United States if the police sell you illegal substances without revealing themselves.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was the video game publisher "Ubisoft" founded ?", - "correct_answer": "March 1986", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "April 1990", - "June 2001", - "August 1956" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which former boy-band star released hit solo single "Angels" in 1997?", - "correct_answer": "Robbie Williams", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Justin Timberlake", - "Harry Styles", - "Gary Barlow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Portal, what color is the Morality Core?", - "correct_answer": "Purple", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Red", - "Yellow", - "Blue" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Chartreuse is a color between yellow and what?", - "correct_answer": "Green", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Red", - "Black", - "Purple" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many sides does a trapezium have?", - "correct_answer": "4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "3", - "5", - "6" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these Japanese islands is the largest by area?", - "correct_answer": "Shikoku", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Iki", - "Odaiba", - "Okinawa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the "The Hobbit", who kills Smaug?", - "correct_answer": "Bard", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bilbo Baggins", - "Gandalf the Grey", - "Frodo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of the assassin in the first "Hellboy" movie?", - "correct_answer": "Karl Ruprecht Kroenen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Klaus Werner von Krupt", - "Grigori Efimovich Rasputin", - "Ilsa Haupstein" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the episode of SpongeBob SquarePants, "Survival of the Idiots", Spongebob called Patrick which nickname?", - "correct_answer": "Pinhead", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Starfish", - "Larry", - "Dirty Dan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The ultimate phrase used by Pharah from Overwatch is: "Justice rains from above!"", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these bands are NOT from Australia?", - "correct_answer": "The Naked and Famous", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cut Copy", - "Empire of the Sun", - "Tame Impala" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Marilyn Monroe was born on July 1, 1926.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which one of the following is not made by Ford?", - "correct_answer": "Camry", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Fusion", - "Model A", - "F-150" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the "Jurassic Park" universe, when did "Jurassic Park: San Diego" begin construction?", - "correct_answer": "1985", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1988", - "1986", - "1993" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is “The Sport of Kings”?", - "correct_answer": "Horse Racing", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chess", - "Jousting", - "Fencing" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Finish these lyrics from the 2016 song "Panda" by Desiigner: "I got broads in _______".", - "correct_answer": "Atlanta", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Savannah", - "Augusta", - "Marietta" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Ashley Frangipane performs under the stage name Halsey.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year did the anime "Himouto! Umaru-chan" air?", - "correct_answer": "2015", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2014", - "2012", - "2013" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which band recorded the album "Parallel Lines"?", - "correct_answer": "Blondie", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Paramore", - "Coldplay", - "The Police" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which scientific unit is named after an Italian nobleman?", - "correct_answer": "Volt", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pascal", - "Ohm", - "Hertz" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these Cherry MX mechanical keyboard switches is both tactile and clicky?", - "correct_answer": "Cherry MX Blue", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cherry MX Black", - "Cherry MX Red", - "Cherry MX Brown" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear bomb ever tested, had a yield of 50 megatons but theoretically had a maximum yield of how much?", - "correct_answer": "100 Megatons", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "200 Megatons", - "75 Megatons", - "150 Megatons" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The mountainous Khyber Pass connects which of the two following countries?", - "correct_answer": "Afghanistan and Pakistan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "India and Nepal", - "Pakistan and India", - "Tajikistan and Kyrgyzstan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following countries has officially banned the civilian use of dash cams in cars?", - "correct_answer": "Austria", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "United States", - "Czechia", - "South Korea" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What year was "JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Phantom Blood" first released?", - "correct_answer": "1987", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2013", - "1983", - "1995" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the game Destiny, who succeeded Peter Dinklage in voicing the protagonist's "Ghost"?", - "correct_answer": "Nolan North", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "John DiMaggio", - "Mark Hamill", - " Troy Baker" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "An Astronomical Unit is the distance between Earth and the Moon.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Adolf Hitler was tried at the Nuremberg trials.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In a game of snooker, what colour ball is worth 3 points?", - "correct_answer": "Green", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Yellow", - "Brown", - "Blue" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the "Worms" series of video games, which of these weapons is affected by wind?", - "correct_answer": "Bazooka", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Grenade", - "Air Strike", - "Mortar" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which game was the first time Mario was voiced by Charles Martinet?", - "correct_answer": "Mario's Game Gallery", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Super Mario 64", - "Mario Tennis", - "Dr. Mario 64" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the "Portal" series, who was Cave Johnson's personal assistant?", - "correct_answer": "Caroline", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Heather", - "Melissa", - "Jane" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following games has the largest map size?", - "correct_answer": "Just Cause 2", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Grand Theft Auto 5", - "The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion", - "The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a city in India?", - "correct_answer": "Islamabad", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hyderabad", - "Ahmedabad", - "Ghaziabad" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "On which computer hardware device is the BIOS chip located?", - "correct_answer": "Motherboard", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hard Disk Drive", - "Central Processing Unit", - "Graphics Processing Unit" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "All of the following are classified as Finno-Ugric languages EXCEPT:", - "correct_answer": "Samoyedic", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hungarian", - "Finnish", - "Estonian" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Friday The 13th series, what year did Jason drown in?", - "correct_answer": "1957", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1955", - "1953", - "1959" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In computing, what does MIDI stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Musical Instrument Digital Interface", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Musical Interface of Digital Instruments", - "Modular Interface of Digital Instruments", - "Musical Instrument Data Interface" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these banks are NOT authorized to issue currency notes in Hong Kong?", - "correct_answer": "OCBC", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "HSBC", - "Standard Chartered", - "Bank of China" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The main protagonist of the fifth part of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure is which of the following?", - "correct_answer": "Giorno Giovanna", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Guido Mista", - "Jonathan Joestar", - "Joey JoJo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Hitman: Blood Money, what is the name of the target in the mission "Death of a Showman"?", - "correct_answer": "Joseph Clarence", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Swing King", - "Maynard John", - "Manuel Delgado" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what dialogue did Socrates defend himself to the court of Athens? ", - "correct_answer": "The Apology", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Euthyphro", - "The Laws", - "The Republic" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "All the following metal elements are liquids at or near room temperature EXCEPT:", - "correct_answer": "Beryllium", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gallium", - "Caesium", - "Mercury" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""Kamea," the Gilbertese Islander word for dog, is derived from the English phrase "Come here!"", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the German word for "spoon"?", - "correct_answer": "Löffel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gabel", - "Messer", - "Essstäbchen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who did Steven Gerrard win the Champions League with?", - "correct_answer": "Liverpool", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Real Madrid", - "Chelsea", - "Man City" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What album did Gorillaz release in 2017?", - "correct_answer": "Humanz", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Plastic Beach", - "The Fall", - "Demon Days" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the "dumb blonde" character in Nickelodeon's "The Loud House"?", - "correct_answer": "Leni", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Luan", - "Luna", - "Lincoln" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Joan Cusack starred in the 2009 disaster movie, "2012".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When did the French Revolution begin?", - "correct_answer": "1789", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1823", - "1756", - "1799" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which song in rapper Kanye West's album "The Life of Pablo" features Rihanna?", - "correct_answer": "Famous", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wolves", - "Ultralight Beam", - "Highlights" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which team was the 2014-2015 NBA Champions?", - "correct_answer": "Golden State Warriors", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cleveland Cavaliers", - "Houston Rockets", - "Atlanta Hawks" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The "Day of Defeat" series of games take place during which war?", - "correct_answer": "World War II", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "World War I", - "Vietnam War", - "Iraq War" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "A scientific study on peanuts in bars found traces of over 100 unique specimens of urine.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What genetic disease is caused by having an extra Y chromosome (XYY)?", - "correct_answer": "Jacob's Syndrome", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Klinefelter's Syndrome", - "Turner's Syndrome", - "Down Syndrome" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Minecraft, which two items must be combined to craft a torch?", - "correct_answer": "Stick and Coal", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Stick and Fire", - "Wood and Coal", - "Wood and Fire" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the game "Brawlhalla", what species is the character Bödvar is?", - "correct_answer": "Half Human / Half Bear", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A Human", - "Half Wolf / Half Bear", - "Half Tiger / Half Human" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which character in the "Animal Crossing" series uses the phrase "zip zoom" when talking to the player?", - "correct_answer": "Scoot", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Drake", - "Bill", - "Mallary" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "There are 6 legendary cards in "Clash Royale".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the nickname given to the Hughes H-4 Hercules, a heavy transport flying boat which achieved flight in 1947?", - "correct_answer": "Spruce Goose", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Noah's Ark", - "Fat Man", - "Trojan Horse" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What company created and developed the game "Overwatch"?", - "correct_answer": "Blizzard Entertainment", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Valve", - "Hi-Rez Studios", - "Gearbox Software" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The main playable character of the 2015 RPG "Undertale" is a monster.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Darth Vader's famous reveal to Luke is iconic. But which of these is the right one?", - "correct_answer": ""No. I am your father."", - "incorrect_answers": [ - ""Luke, I am your father."", - ""You're wrong. I am your father."", - ""The truth is that I am your father."" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the plane curve proposed by Descartes to challenge Fermat's extremum-finding techniques called?", - "correct_answer": "Folium of Descartes", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Elliptic Paraboloid of Descartes", - "Cartesian Coordinates", - "Descarte's Helicoid" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which former US president used "Let's Make America Great Again" as his campaign slogan before Donald Trump's campaign?", - "correct_answer": "Ronald Reagan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jimmy Carter", - "Gerald Ford", - "Richard Nixon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was Dorothy's surname in 'The Wizard Of Oz'?", - "correct_answer": "Gale", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Perkins", - "Day", - "Parker" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the nickname for the US state Delaware?", - "correct_answer": "The First State", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Fiftieth State", - "The Second State", - "The Sixteenth State" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Kanye West at 2009 VMA's interrupted which celebrity?", - "correct_answer": "Taylor Swift", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "MF DOOM", - "Beyonce", - "Beck" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The key of sharps does the key of G# minor contain?", - "correct_answer": "5", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "3", - "7", - "0" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The end credits sequence in Grand Theft Auto 5 is over half an hour long.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who was the President of the United States during the signing of the Gadsden Purchase?", - "correct_answer": "Franklin Pierce", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Andrew Johnson", - "Abraham Lincoln", - "James Polk" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the novel "Lord of the Rings", how many rings of power were given to the race of man?", - "correct_answer": "9", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "5", - "11", - "13" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the 1974 Christmas flick "The Year Without a Santa Claus," what are the names of the two elves who help Mrs. Claus save Christmas?", - "correct_answer": "Jingle & Jangle", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Buddy & Bobby", - "Holly & Jolly", - "Snowflake & Icicle" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How much money did the 2019 Marvel movie "Avengers: Endgame" grossed for it's record-breaking worldwide opening weekend?", - "correct_answer": "1.2 billion USD", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "640 million USD", - "456 million USD", - "392 million USD" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who co-founded the YouTube Let's Play channel "Game Grumps" alongside Newgrounds animator Egoraptor?", - "correct_answer": "JonTron", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pewdiepie", - "Tobuscus", - "Markiplier" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many seasons did the Sci-Fi television show "Stargate Atlantis" have?", - "correct_answer": "5", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "10", - "2", - "7" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these songs was released in 1996?", - "correct_answer": "The Smashing Pumpkins - "1979"", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Prince - "1999"", - "James Blunt - "1973"", - "David Bowie - "1984"" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What's the race of Invincible's father?", - "correct_answer": "Viltrumite", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kryptonian", - "Kree", - "Irken" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the name of the WWF professional wrestling tag team made up of the wrestlers Ax and Smash?", - "correct_answer": "Demolition", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Dream Team", - "The Bushwhackers", - "The British Bulldogs" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": ""The Big Bang Theory" was first theorized by a priest of what religious ideology?", - "correct_answer": "Catholic", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Christian", - "Jewish", - "Islamic" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is Everest's favorite food in the Nickelodeon/Nick Jr. series "PAW Patrol"?", - "correct_answer": "Liver", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chicken", - "Steak", - "Caribou" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who voices "Shou Suzuki" in the English dub of "Mob Psycho 100"?", - "correct_answer": "Casey Mongillo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ben Diskin", - "Chris Niosi", - "David Naughton" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which of these TV shows did the chef Gordon Ramsay not appear?", - "correct_answer": "Auction Hunters", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares", - "Hotel Hell", - "Hell's Kitchen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which studio animated Soul Eater?", - "correct_answer": "Bones", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kyoto Animation", - "xebec", - "Production I.G" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Why were only only 300,000 copies of Uniracers were produced?", - "correct_answer": "DMA Designs was sued by Pixar, preventing more copies from being produced", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "There was a disagreement between DMA Designs and Nintendo", - "It didn't sell well due to poor review scores", - "No public information is available" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What colour is the female blackbird?", - "correct_answer": "Brown", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Black", - "White", - "Yellow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the lead singer of Arctic Monkeys?", - "correct_answer": "Alex Turner", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jamie Cook", - "Matt Helders", - "Nick O'Malley" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Igneous rocks are formed by excessive heat and pressure.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Star Trek", what is the Klingon death ritual?", - "correct_answer": "Look into sky and yell loudly in mourning.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kiss the jagged forehead before burial.", - "Shoot into space in a torpedo casing.", - "Split the deceased's earnings between bloodkin." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which car manufacturer created the "Aventador"?", - "correct_answer": "Lamborghini", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ferrari", - "Pagani", - "Bugatti" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which soccer team won the Copa América Centenario 2016?", - "correct_answer": "Chile", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Argentina", - "Brazil", - "Colombia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the standard atomic weight of a Plutonium nucleus?", - "correct_answer": "244", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "94", - "481", - "128" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "A minotaur is half human half what?", - "correct_answer": "Bull", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cow", - "Horse", - "Eagle" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Adolf Hitler was accepted into the Vienna Academy of Fine Arts.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In which country is Tallinn located?", - "correct_answer": "Estonia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Finland", - "Sweden", - "Poland" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In what year was the M1911 pistol designed?", - "correct_answer": "1911", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1907", - "1899", - "1917" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Why was the character Trevor Philips discharged from the Air Force?", - "correct_answer": "Mental Health Issues", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Injuries", - "Disease", - "Danger to Others" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the first James Bond film?", - "correct_answer": "Dr. No", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Goldfinger", - "From Russia With Love", - "Thunderball" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the lead singer of the British pop rock band Coldplay?", - "correct_answer": "Chris Martin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jonny Buckland", - "Guy Berryman", - "Will Champion" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these is a stop codon in DNA?", - "correct_answer": "TAA", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "ACT", - "ACA", - "GTA" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What type of creature is a Bonobo?", - "correct_answer": "Ape", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lion", - "Parrot", - "Wildcat" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following colors does the Zombie eyes glow in the "Nuketown" map in "Call of Duty: Black Ops II" Zombies mode?", - "correct_answer": "Yellow and Blue", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Yellow and Red", - "Red and Blue", - "Blue and White" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Where is the Gluteus Maximus muscle located?", - "correct_answer": "Butt", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Arm", - "Head", - "Torso" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the author of Jurrasic Park?", - "correct_answer": "Michael Crichton", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Peter Benchley", - "Chuck Paluhniuk", - "Irvine Welsh" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who had hits in the 70s with the songs "Lonely Boy" and "Never Let Her Slip Away"?", - "correct_answer": "Andrew Gold", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Elton John", - "Leo Sayer", - "Barry White " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following passenger jets is the longest?", - "correct_answer": "Boeing 747-8", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Airbus A350-1000", - "Airbus A330-200", - "Boeing 787-10" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these languages was NOT included in the 2016 song "Don't Mind" by Kent Jones?", - "correct_answer": "Portuguese", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Japanese", - "French", - "Spanish" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "You could walk from Norway to North Korea while only passing through Russia.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many bytes are in a single Kibibyte?", - "correct_answer": "1024", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2400", - "1000", - "1240" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Jingle Bells was originally meant for Thanksgiving", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The 2005 video game "Call of Duty 2: Big Red One" is not available on PC.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": ""Mongolia" was a part of the now non-existent U.S.S.R.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Cats have whiskers under their legs.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many aces can be shot down through the entirety of "Ace Combat Zero: The Belkan War"?", - "correct_answer": "169", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "100", - "132", - "245" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Overwatch", which hero is able to wallride?", - "correct_answer": "Lucio", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Reinhardt", - "Sombra", - "Mercy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of the town in which Lily and James Potter are buried?", - "correct_answer": "Godric's Hollow", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hogsmeade", - "Ottery St. Catchpole", - "Little Hangleton" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the capital of Jamaica?", - "correct_answer": "Kingston", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "San Juan", - "Port-au-Prince", - "Bridgetown" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Scottish producer Calvin Harris is from the town of Dumfries, Scotland.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which American-owned brewery led the country in sales by volume in 2015?", - "correct_answer": "D. G. Yuengling and Son, Inc", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Anheuser Busch", - "Boston Beer Company", - "Miller Coors" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In season one of the Netflix political drama "House of Cards", what government position does Frank Underwood hold?", - "correct_answer": "House Majority Whip", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Attorney General", - "President", - "Chief of Staff" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The open source program Redis is a relational database server.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Hexadecimal", what color would be displayed from the color code? "#00FF00"?", - "correct_answer": "Green", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Red", - "Blue", - "Yellow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the world's first handheld game device?", - "correct_answer": "Mattel Auto Race", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Game Boy", - "Microvision", - "Game & Watch" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which star actor was in "Top Gun", "Jerry Maguire" and "Born on the Fourth of July"?", - "correct_answer": "Tom Cruise", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kelly McGillis", - "John Travolta", - "George Clooney" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which greek mathematician ran through the streets of Syracuse naked while shouting "Eureka" after discovering the principle of displacement?", - "correct_answer": "Archimedes", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Euclid", - "Homer", - "Eratosthenes" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which actor plays the role of the main antagonist in the 2011 movie "Tower Heist?"", - "correct_answer": "Alan Alda", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Eddie Murphy", - "Alec Baldwin", - "Kevin Nealon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What country is the second largest in the world by area?", - "correct_answer": "Canada", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Russia", - "China", - "United States of America" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which company designed the "Betamax" video cassette format?", - "correct_answer": "Sony", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Panasonic", - "LG", - "Fujitsu" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the first company to use the term "Golden Master"?", - "correct_answer": "Apple", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "IBM", - "Microsoft", - "Google" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which animation studio produced "Log Horizon"?", - "correct_answer": "Satelite", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sunrise", - "Xebec", - "Production I.G" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the original Spyro game who is the first villain?", - "correct_answer": "Gnasty Gnorc", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ripto", - "Sorceress", - "Cynder" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Rick Astley's hit song "Never Gonna Give You Up" was released in what year?", - "correct_answer": "1987", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1985", - "1986", - "1988" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which universe crossover was introduced in the "Sonic the Hedgehog" comic issue #247?", - "correct_answer": "Mega Man", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Super Mario Brothers", - "Alex Kidd", - "Super Monkey Ball" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When Donkey Kong died in the "Donkey Kong Country" episode "It's a Wonderful Life", who was his guardian angel?", - "correct_answer": "Eddie the Mean Old Yeti", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kiddy Kong", - "Diddy Kong", - "King K. Rool" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Rugby League, performing a "40-20" is punished by a free kick for the opposing team.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which country was Josef Stalin born in?", - "correct_answer": "Georgia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Russia", - "Germany", - "Poland" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What nuts are used in the production of marzipan?", - "correct_answer": "Almonds", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Peanuts", - "Walnuts", - "Pistachios" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following languages does NOT use the Latin alphabet?", - "correct_answer": "Georgian", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Turkish", - "Swahili", - "Vietnamese" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was "Garry's Mod" released?", - "correct_answer": "December 24, 2004", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "November 13, 2004", - "December 13, 2004", - "November 12, 2004" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Call Of Duty: Zombies", completing which map's main easter egg will reward you with the achievement, "High Maintenance"?", - "correct_answer": "Die Rise", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mob Of The Dead", - "Origins", - "Ascension" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which one of these people has been in the band ''Metallica'' in the past?", - "correct_answer": "Dave Mustaine", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kurt Cobain", - "Joey Belladonna", - "Dave Lombardo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these countries is not a United Nations member state?", - "correct_answer": "Niue", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tuvalu", - "South Sudan", - "Montenegro" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the Assassin's Creed series,what was the name of Desmond Miles given by Abstergo?", - "correct_answer": "Subject 17", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Subject 16", - "Subject 18", - "Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the most expensive weapon in Counter-Strike: Global Offensive?", - "correct_answer": "Scar-20/G3SG1", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "M4A1", - "AWP", - "R8 Revolver" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the TV series Red Dwarf, Kryten's full name is Kryten 2X4B-523P.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name given to layer 4 of the Open Systems Interconnection (ISO) model?", - "correct_answer": "Transport", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Session", - "Data link", - "Network" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which franchise does the creature "Slowpoke" originate from?", - "correct_answer": "Pokemon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dragon Ball", - "Sonic The Hedgehog", - "Yugioh" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which eSports team came first place in The International Dota 2 Championship 2016?", - "correct_answer": "Wings Gaming", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Digital Chaos", - "Evil Geniuses", - "Fnatic" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name given to Indian food cooked over charcoal in a clay oven?", - "correct_answer": "Tandoori", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Biryani", - "Pani puri", - "Tiki masala" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Donkey Kong Country", why does Donkey Kong want to know the secret of the crystal coconut?", - "correct_answer": "He's the big kahuna.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "To find out where all the bananas are.", - "Because Diddy Kong forced him.", - "He wants to punish brutes." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year was O.J. Simpson aquitted of his murder charges?", - "correct_answer": "1995", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1992", - "1996", - "1991" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the movie "V for Vendetta," what is the date that masked vigilante "V" urges people to remember?", - "correct_answer": "November 5th", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "November 6th", - "November 4th", - "September 5th" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who sang the theme song for the TV show 'Rawhide'?", - "correct_answer": "Frankie Laine", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Guy Mitchell", - " Tennessee Ernie Ford", - "Slim Whitman" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The programming language 'Swift' was created to replace what other programming language?", - "correct_answer": "Objective-C", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "C#", - "Ruby", - "C++" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was Tesla founded?", - "correct_answer": "2003", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2008", - "2005", - "2007" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which team was the 2015-2016 NBA Champions?", - "correct_answer": "Cleveland Cavaliers", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Golden State Warriors", - "Toronto Raptors", - "Oklahoma City Thunders" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these African countries list "Spanish" as an official language?", - "correct_answer": "Equatorial Guinea", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Guinea", - "Cameroon", - "Angola" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Nidhogg is a mythical creature from what mythology?", - "correct_answer": "Norse", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Egyptian", - "Greek", - "Hindu" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the Polish city known to Germans as Danzig?", - "correct_answer": "Gda\u0144sk", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Warsaw", - "Zakopane", - "Pozna\u0144" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who serves as the speaker of the prologue in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet?", - "correct_answer": "Chorus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Montague", - "Refrain", - "Capulet" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which nation claims ownership of Antarctica?", - "correct_answer": "No one, but there are claims.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "United States of America", - "United Nations", - "Australia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair featured all of the surviving students from the first game.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "On the show "Rick and Morty", in episode "Total Rickall", who was a parasite?", - "correct_answer": "Pencilvester", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Beth Smith", - "Summer Smith", - "Mr. Poopy Butthole" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "On which mission did the Space Shuttle Columbia break up upon re-entry?", - "correct_answer": "STS-107", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "STS-51-L", - "STS-61-C", - "STS-109" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which basketball team has attended the most NBA grand finals?", - "correct_answer": "Los Angeles Lakers", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Boston Celtics", - "Philadelphia 76ers", - "Golden State Warriors" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What numbers did Sayaka Maizono write on the wall in Dangan Ronpa Trigger Happy Havoc?", - "correct_answer": "11037", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42", - "55730", - "3, 9, 11, 12, 15, 17," - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The film "2001: A Space Odyssey" was released on December 31st, 2000.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The idea of Socialism was articulated and advanced by whom?", - "correct_answer": "Karl Marx", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vladimir Lenin", - "Joseph Stalin", - "Vladimir Putin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the name of Poland in Polish?", - "correct_answer": "Polska", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pupcia", - "Polszka", - "Póland" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Michael Crichton's novel "Jurassic Park", John Hammond meets his demise at the claws of which dinosaur?", - "correct_answer": "Procompsognathus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dilophosaurus", - "Tyrannosaurus Rex", - "Velociraptor" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the first weapon pack for "PAYDAY 2"?", - "correct_answer": "The Gage Weapon Pack #1", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Overkill Pack", - "The Gage Chivalry Pack", - "The Gage Historical Pack" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following player scored a hat-trick during their Manchester United debut?", - "correct_answer": "Wayne Rooney", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cristiano Ronaldo", - "Robin Van Persie", - "David Beckham" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Pheonix Wright: Ace Attorney" which character is the District Chief of Police?", - "correct_answer": "Damon Gant", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Miles Edgeworth", - "Lana Skye", - "Mike Meekins" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who won the UEFA Champions League in 2017?", - "correct_answer": "Real Madrid C.F.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Atletico Madrid", - "AS Monaco FC", - "Juventus F.C." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the Greek god of peaceful deaths?", - "correct_answer": "Thanatos", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tartarus", - "Hades", - "Moros" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who won the 2018 Monaco Grand Prix?", - "correct_answer": "Daniel Ricciardo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sebastian Vettel", - "Kimi Raikkonen", - "Lewis Hamilton" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "HTML is what type of language?", - "correct_answer": "Markup Language", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Macro Language", - "Programming Language", - "Scripting Language" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following languages is used as a scripting language in the Unity 3D game engine?", - "correct_answer": "C#", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Java", - "C++", - "Objective-C" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many countries does the United States share a land border with?", - "correct_answer": "2", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1", - "3", - "4" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is Meg's full name in "Family Guy"?", - "correct_answer": "Megatron Griffin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Who-Cares Griffin", - "Neil Griffin", - "Megan Griffin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Donald Trump won the popular vote in the 2016 United States presidential election.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which anime did Seiji Kishi NOT direct?", - "correct_answer": "Another", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Humanity Has Declined", - "Assassination Classroom", - "Danganronpa: The Animation" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which stage was planned to be a part of "Sonic the Hedgehog 2", but was scrapped during development?", - "correct_answer": "Genocide City Zone", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Stardust Speedway Zone", - "Sky High Zone ", - "Clockwork Zone" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the most common type of pitch thrown by pitchers in baseball?", - "correct_answer": "Fastball", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Slowball", - "Screwball", - "Palmball" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What year did the effort to deploy the Common Core State Standards (CCSS) in the US begin?", - "correct_answer": "2009", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2012", - "2006", - "1997" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The song "Megalovania" by Toby Fox made its third appearence in the 2015 RPG "Undertale".", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these countries is "doubly landlocked" (surrounded entirely by one or more landlocked countries)?", - "correct_answer": "Uzbekistan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Switzerland", - "Bolivia", - "Ethiopia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the frontman of the band 30 Seconds to Mars?", - "correct_answer": "Jared Leto", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gerard Way", - "Matthew Bellamy", - "Mike Shinoda" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Undertale", how many main endings are there?", - "correct_answer": "3", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2", - "5", - "13" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In web design, what does CSS stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Cascading Style Sheet", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Counter Strike: Source", - "Corrective Style Sheet", - "Computer Style Sheet" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which movie of film director Stanley Kubrick is known to be an adaptation of a Stephen King novel?", - "correct_answer": "The Shining", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2001: A Space Odyssey", - " Dr. Strangelove ", - "Eyes Wide Shut" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door", what is Hooktail's weakness?", - "correct_answer": "The Sound of Crickets", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Attacks from Koopas", - "The "Ice Storm" Item", - "The Hammer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Call Of Duty: Zombies", which map features the "Fly Trap" easter egg?", - "correct_answer": "Der Riese", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tranzit", - "Call Of The Dead", - "Shi No Numa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Diablo lore, this lesser evil spawned from one of the seven heads of Tathamet, and was known as the Maiden of Anguish.", - "correct_answer": "Andariel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Valla", - "Malthael", - "Kashya" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Nickelodeon is owned by what parent company?", - "correct_answer": "Viacom", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "CBS", - "FOX", - "ABC" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these celebrities was not a member of the Jackson 5?", - "correct_answer": "Bo Jackson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tito Jackson", - "Jermaine Jackson", - "Marlon Jackson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Like with the Neanderthals, Homo sapiens sapiens also interbred with the Denisovans.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Greek Mythology, who was the daughter of King Minos?", - "correct_answer": "Ariadne", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Athena", - "Ariel", - "Alana" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In which Mario game did the Mega Mushroom make its debut?", - "correct_answer": "Mario Party 4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "New Super Mario Bros.", - "Mario Kart Wii", - "Super Mario 3D World" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following snipers has the highest amount of confirmed kills?", - "correct_answer": "Simo Häyhä", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Chris Kyle", - "Vasily Zaytsev", - "Craig Harrison" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The last Windows operating system to be based on the Windows 9x kernel was Windows 98.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In flight systems, what does the initialism "TCAS" stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Traffic Collision Avoidance System", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Traffic Communication Alert System", - "Traffic Configuration Alignment System", - "Traffic Call-sign Abbreviation System" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the videogame Bully, what is the protagonist's last name?", - "correct_answer": "Hopkins", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Smith", - "Kowalski", - "Crabblesnitch" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year was "Super Mario Sunshine" released?", - "correct_answer": "2002", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2003", - "2000", - "2004" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was the 3rd album "Notes from the Underground" of the band "Hollywood Undead" released?", - "correct_answer": "2013", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2011", - "2014", - "2009" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who is the victim mentioned in the second KG-8 incident, in Ace attorney Investigations, Case 4?", - "correct_answer": "Deid Mann", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Frank Sahwit", - "Shey De Killer", - "Raymond Shields" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was the first jedi that Starkiller had to kill in Star Wars: The Force Unleashed?", - "correct_answer": "Rahm Kota", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ahsoka Tano", - "Kazdan Paratus", - "Kento Marek" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these is NOT an Australian state or territory?", - "correct_answer": "Alberta", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "New South Wales", - "Victoria", - "Queensland" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The song "Twin Size Mattress" was written by which band?", - "correct_answer": "The Front Bottoms", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Twenty One Pilots", - "The Wonder Years", - "The Smith Street Band" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the first living creature in space?", - "correct_answer": "Fruit Flies ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Monkey", - "Dog", - "Mouse" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Mortal Kombat was almost based on Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who voices the character "Reigen" in the English dub of "Mob Psycho 100"?", - "correct_answer": "Chris Niosi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Max Mittelman", - "Kyle McCarley", - "Casey Mongillo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "PAYDAY 2", what weapon has the highest base weapon damage on a per-shot basis?", - "correct_answer": "HRL-7", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Heavy Crossbow", - "Thanatos .50 cal", - "Broomstick Pistol" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which JoJo's Bizarre Adventure character possesses the Stand named Silver Chariot?", - "correct_answer": "Jean Pierre Polnareff", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Noriaki Kakyoin", - "Hol Horse", - "Hermes Costello" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The board game "Monopoly" is a variation of what board game?", - "correct_answer": "The Landlord's Game", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Territorial Dispute", - "Property Feud", - "The Monopolist's Game" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the video game "League of Legends" which character is known as "The Sinister Blade"?", - "correct_answer": "Katarina", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shaco", - "Akali", - "Zed" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Star Trek", Klaang is a typical Klingon male.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "George Clinton, Vice President of the United States (1805-1812), is an ancestor of President Bill Clinton.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Half-Life universe, the Black Mesa Research Facility is located in which US state?", - "correct_answer": "New Mexico", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nevada", - "Arizona", - "Wyoming" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the PAYDAY series, who betrayed the PAYDAY gang that got Hoxton arrested?", - "correct_answer": "Hector", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Vlad", - "The Dentist", - "The Elephant" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which river flows through the Scottish city of Glasgow?", - "correct_answer": "Clyde", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tay", - "Dee", - "Tweed" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Future Diary", what is the name of Yuno Gasai's Phone Diary?", - "correct_answer": "Yukiteru Diary", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Murder Diary", - "Escape Diary ", - "Justice Diary " - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "A carnivorous animal eats flesh, what does a nucivorous animal eat?", - "correct_answer": "Nuts", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nothing", - "Fruit", - "Seaweed" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which famous book is sub-titled 'The Modern Prometheus'?", - "correct_answer": "Frankenstein", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Dracula", - "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde ", - "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the first PlayStation game to require the use of the DualShock controller?", - "correct_answer": "Ape Escape", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Metal Gear", - "Tekken ", - "Tomba 2!" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the Finnish word for "Finland"?", - "correct_answer": "Suomi", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Eesti", - "Magyarország", - "Sverige" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these chemical compounds is NOT found in gastric acid?", - "correct_answer": "Sulfuric acid", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hydrochloric acid", - "Potassium chloride", - "Sodium chloride" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many times was Albert Einstein married in his lifetime?", - "correct_answer": "Twice", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Five", - "Thrice", - "Once" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "During the game's development, what was the first ever created Pokémon?", - "correct_answer": "Rhyhorn", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bulbasaur", - "Mew", - "Arceus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was Cadillac founded?", - "correct_answer": "1902", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1964", - "1898", - "1985" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In which classic novel by Mark Twain did a beggar and Prince of Wales switch clothes, and learn about social class inequality?", - "correct_answer": "The Prince and the Pauper", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hamlet", - "Wealthy Boy and the Schmuck", - "A Modern Twain Story" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the African nation of Zimbabwe formerly known as?", - "correct_answer": "Rhodesia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Zambia", - "Mozambique", - " Bulawayo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is Hellboy's true name?", - "correct_answer": "Anung Un Rama", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Right Hand of Doom", - "Ogdru Jahad", - "Azzael" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Sonic Adventure", you are able to transform into Super Sonic at will after completing the main story.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Early RAM was directly seated onto the motherboard and could not be easily removed.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the Klingon's afterlife called?", - "correct_answer": "Sto-vo-kor", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Valhalla", - "Karon'gahk", - "New Jersey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the video game "Splatoon", the playable characters were originally going to be rabbits instead of squids.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, who says "Yare yare daze"?", - "correct_answer": "Jotaro Kujo", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Joseph Joestar", - "Jolyne Cujoh", - "Koichi Hirose" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Scotland voted to become an independent country during the referendum from September 2014.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the name of the teenage witch played by Melisa Joan Hart who lives with her witch aunts Hilda and Zelda?", - "correct_answer": "Sabrina", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hermione", - "Dorothy", - "Dahlia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What Led Zeppelin album contains "Stairway to Heaven"?", - "correct_answer": "Led Zeppelin IV", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Houses of the Holy", - "Physical Graffiti", - "Led Zeppelin III" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which company developed the video game "Borderlands"?", - "correct_answer": "Gearbox Software", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2K Games", - "Activision", - "Rockstar Games" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the game "Subnautica", which feature was removed due to performance issues in 2016?", - "correct_answer": "Terraforming", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Building", - "Crafting", - "Multiplayer" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of your team in Star Wars: Republic Commando?", - "correct_answer": "Delta Squad", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Commandos", - "Bravo Six", - "Vader's Fist" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who wrote the novel 'Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas'?", - "correct_answer": "Hunter S. Thompson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "F. Scott Fitzgerald", - "Henry Miller", - "William S. Burroughs" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many officially recognized dwarf planets in the solar system are named after Polynesian deities?", - "correct_answer": "2", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "0", - "1", - "5" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which moon is the only satellite in our solar system to possess a dense atmosphere?", - "correct_answer": "Titan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Europa", - "Miranda", - "Callisto" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which actor provided the voice for the main character's father in Fallout 3?", - "correct_answer": "Liam Neeson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kiefer Sutherland", - "Brendan Gleeson", - "Robbie Coltrane" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the fastest land animal?", - "correct_answer": "Cheetah", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lion", - "Thomson’s Gazelle", - "Pronghorn Antelope" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which CS:GO eSports team won the major event ESL One Cologne 2016?", - "correct_answer": "SK Gaming", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Team Liquid", - "Fnatic", - "Virtus.pro" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Hunter x Hunter", which of the following is NOT a type of Nen aura?", - "correct_answer": "Restoration", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Emission", - "Transmutation", - "Specialization" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What mytological creatures have women's faces and vultures' bodies?", - "correct_answer": "Harpies", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mermaids", - "Nymph", - "Lilith" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Canadian province has Charlottetown as its capital?", - "correct_answer": "Prince Edward Island", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Saskachewan", - "Northwest Terrirories", - "Ontario" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the game Pokémon Conquest, which warlord is able to bond with Zekrom and a shiny Rayquazza?", - "correct_answer": "Nobunaga", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Player", - "Oichi", - "Hideyoshi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which rapper had an album that went double platinum with no features?", - "correct_answer": "J. Cole", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kendrick Lamar", - "Drake", - "Big Sean" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When was the Valve Corporation founded?", - "correct_answer": "August 24, 1996", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "December 26, 1994", - "March 22, 1997", - "March 13, 1997" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which country drives on the left side of the road?", - "correct_answer": "Japan", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Germany", - "Russia", - "China" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Electronic music producer Kygo's popularity skyrocketed after a certain remix. Which song did he remix?", - "correct_answer": "Ed Sheeran - I See Fire", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing", - "Coldplay - Midnight", - "a-ha - Take On Me" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following Pacific Islander countries is ruled by a constitutional monarchy?", - "correct_answer": "Tonga", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Palau", - "Fiji", - "Kiribati" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the comics, which Sonic character took command of the Dark Legion after Luger's assassination?", - "correct_answer": "Lien-Da", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kragok", - "Dimitri", - "Remington" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Former United States President Bill Clinton famously played which instrument?", - "correct_answer": "Saxophone", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Baritone horn", - "Piano", - "Violin" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which character class in Dungeons and Dragons 5th edition gains it's powers from making a pact with a being of higher power?", - "correct_answer": "Warlock", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Wizard", - "Sorceror", - "Cleric" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the "Pikmin" games, which of the following pikmin colors lacks it's own "Onion" nest?", - "correct_answer": "Purple", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Winged", - "Blue", - "Rock" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How old was Laurence Fishburne when Francis Ford Coppola cast him in Apocalypse Now (1979)? ", - "correct_answer": "14", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "16", - "18", - "20" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What does LTS stand for in the software market?", - "correct_answer": "Long Term Support", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Long Taco Service", - "Ludicrous Transfer Speed", - "Ludicrous Turbo Speed" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What type of sound chip does the Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES) have?", - "correct_answer": "ADPCM Sampler", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "FM Synthesizer", - "Programmable Sound Generator (PSG)", - "PCM Sampler" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these Russian cities did NOT contain a stadium that was used in the 2018 FIFA World Cup?", - "correct_answer": "Vladivostok", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rostov-on-Don", - "Yekaterinburg", - "Kaliningrad" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In The Lies Of Locke Lamora, what does "Lamora" mean in Throne Therin?", - "correct_answer": "Shadow", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Thievery", - "Justice", - "Chaos" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What does a funambulist walk on?", - "correct_answer": "A Tight Rope", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Broken Glass", - "Balls", - "The Moon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Sean Connery wasn't in "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" because he found retirement too enjoyable.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Greek mythology, who is the god of wine?", - "correct_answer": "Dionysus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hephaestus", - "Demeter", - "Apollo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The names of Tom Nook's cousins in the Animal Crossing franchise are named "Timmy" and "Jimmy".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Call Of Duty: World At War", the first appearance of the "PPSH-41" in "Zombies" was in the map "Der Riese".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the fourth book of the Old Testament?", - "correct_answer": "Numbers", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Genesis", - "Exodus", - "Leviticus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The programming language "Python" is based off a modified version of "JavaScript".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In 2015, David Hasselhof released a single called...", - "correct_answer": "True Survivor", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True Fighter", - "Real Kung-Fury", - "Real Warrior" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following Pokémon games released first?", - "correct_answer": "Pokémon Crystal", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pokémon Platinum", - "Pokémon FireRed", - "Pokémon Black" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year were the Marian Reforms instituted in the Roman Republic?", - "correct_answer": "107 BCE", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "42 BCE", - "264 BCE", - "102 CE" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": ""Elementary, my dear Watson" is a phrase that is never truly said within the Conan Doyle books of Sherlock Holmes.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "A positron is an antiparticle of a what?", - "correct_answer": "Electron", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Neutron", - "Proton", - "Photon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of Eragon's dragon in "Eragon"?", - "correct_answer": "Saphira", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Glaedr", - "Thorn", - "Arya" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year did Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin land on the moon?", - "correct_answer": "1969", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1965", - "1966", - "1973" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who is the writer of the game "Half-Life"?", - "correct_answer": "Marc Laidlaw", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gabe Newell", - "Robin Walker", - "Chet Faliszek" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who had a 1981 hit with the song "Japanese Boy"?", - "correct_answer": "Aneka", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Toyah", - "Sandra", - "Madonna" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The characters of "Log Horizon" are trapped in what game?", - "correct_answer": "Elder Tale", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sword Art Online", - "Tower Unite", - "Yggdrasil" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the webcomic "Ava's Demon", what sin is "Nevy Nervine" based off of? ", - "correct_answer": "Envy ", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sloth", - "Wrath ", - "Lust" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these country's capitals starts with the letter B?", - "correct_answer": "Lebanon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jordan", - "Kuwait", - "Qatar" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which Grand Theft Auto (GTA) games have the same setting?", - "correct_answer": "GTA V and GTA San Andreas", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "GTA V and GTA Vice City", - "GTA IV and GTA San Andreas", - "GTA IV and GTA Vice City" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Mann Co. 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"category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many flagship monsters appear in Monster Hunter Gernerations?", - "correct_answer": "4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1", - "2", - "3" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these operators from "Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Siege" has the ability to damage reinforced walls?", - "correct_answer": "Jordan "Thermite" Trace", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Eliza "Ash" Cohen", - "Seamus "Sledge" Cowden", - "Dominic "Bandit" Brunsmeier" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the protagonist's first Persona in "Persona 5"?", - "correct_answer": "Arsene", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mara", - "Izanagi", - "Sandaphlon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - 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"difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which popular rock band has a one-armed drummer?", - "correct_answer": "Def Leppard", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Beatles", - "Lynyrd Skynyrd", - "Foreigner" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Kiznaiver is an adaptation of a manga.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Call Of Duty: Zombies", what is the name of the Pack-A-Punched Crossbow?", - "correct_answer": "Awful Lawton", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Longinus", - "V-R11", - "Predator" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In which classic novel is there a character named Homer Simpson?", - "correct_answer": "The Day of the Locust", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Catch-22", - "Of Mice and Men", - 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"question": "In which year was the pen and paper RPG "Deadlands" released?", - "correct_answer": "1996", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2003", - "1999", - "1993" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When was Pokemon GO released in North America?", - "correct_answer": "July 6th, 2016", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "June 5th, 2016", - "May 24th, 2016", - "January 2nd, 2017" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the nickname of the original model for Half-Life's protagonist Gordon Freeman?", - "correct_answer": "Ivan the Space Biker", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Gordon the Space Biker", - "Ivan the Alien Biker", - "Gordon the Alien Biker" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In Rust, how many Timed Explosive Charges does it take to destroy a Ladder Hatch?", - "correct_answer": "1", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "3", - "2", - "5" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The LS2 engine is how many cubic inches?", - "correct_answer": "364", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "346", - "376", - "402" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was "System Shock" released?", - "correct_answer": "1994", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1995", - "2000", - "1998" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Apollo mission was the last one in NASA's Apollo program?", - "correct_answer": "Apollo 17", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Apollo 13", - "Apollo 11", - "Apollo 15" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the correct order of operations for solving equations?", - "correct_answer": "Parentheses, Exponents, Multiplication, Division, Addition, Subtraction", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Addition, Multiplication, Division, Subtraction, Addition, Parentheses", - "Parentheses, Exponents, Addition, Substraction, Multiplication, Division", - "The order in which the operations are written." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "TF2: The Heavy's voice actor, Gary Schwartz, voices the Demoman as well ", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In standard Monopoly, what's the rent if you land on Park Place with no houses?", - "correct_answer": "$35", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "$30", - "$50", - "$45" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the hexadecimal system, what number comes after 9?", - "correct_answer": "The Letter A", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "10", - "The Number 0", - "16" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The animated film "Spirited Away" won the Academy Award for Best Animated Feature at the 75th Academy Awards in 2003.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The anime "Lucky Star" follows the story of one girl who is unaware she is God.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What year was hockey legend Wayne Gretzky born?", - "correct_answer": "1961", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1965", - "1959", - "1963" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "This movie contains the quote, "What we've got here is a failure to communicate."", - "correct_answer": "Cool Hand Luke", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bonnie and Clyde", - "The Graduate", - "In the Heat of the Night" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The NVidia GTX 1080 gets its name because it can only render at a 1920x1080 screen resolution.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who had a 1973 hit with the song 'Hocus Pocus'?", - "correct_answer": "Focus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pilot", - "Rush", - "AC/DC" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The planet Mars has two moons orbiting it.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "To which biological phylum do all mammals, birds and reptiles belong?", - "correct_answer": "Chordata", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Echinodermata", - "Annelida", - "Placazoa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the game "The Sims", how many Simoleons does each family start with?", - "correct_answer": "20,000", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "10,000", - "15,000", - "25,000" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In a standard game of Monopoly, what colour are the two cheapest properties?", - "correct_answer": "Brown", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Green", - "Yellow", - "Blue" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What color/colour is a polar bear's skin?", - "correct_answer": "Black", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "White", - "Pink", - "Green" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "May 16th of every year is known as __________ Day, named after a punk band prominent in the 1990s.", - "correct_answer": "Lagwagon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Goldfinger", - "Less Than Jake", - "Lit" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who was the 45th President of the United States?", - "correct_answer": "Donald Trump", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Barack Obama", - "Bill Clinton", - "George Bush" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Watch_Dogs 2 is a prequel.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which ability from the "Magic: The Gathering" Scars of Mirrodin expansion involves having at least three artifacts in play?", - "correct_answer": "Metalcraft", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Affinity", - "Imprint", - "Living Weapon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the largest freshwater lake by volume?", - "correct_answer": "Lake Baikal", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lake Superior", - "Lake Huron", - "Lake Michigan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these elements on the Periodic Table is a Noble Gas?", - "correct_answer": "Neon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Potassium", - "Iodine", - "Colbalt" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The first dual-core CPU was the Intel Pentium D.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What TV show is about a grandfather dragging his grandson around on adventures?", - "correct_answer": "Rick & Morty", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Family Guy", - "South Park", - "American Dad" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Typically, how many keys are on a piano?", - "correct_answer": "88", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "24", - "12", - "96" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Ada Lovelace is often considered the first computer programmer.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Switzerland has four national languages, English being one of them.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The first Maxis game to feature the fictional language "Simlish" was The Sims (2000).", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year was Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture composed?", - "correct_answer": "1880", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1812", - "1790", - "1840" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the protagonist of the videogame "Dead Rising 2"?", - "correct_answer": "Chuck Greene", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Nick Ramos", - "Frank West", - "Katie Greene" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Resident Evil 4 was originally meant to be a Nintendo GameCube exclusive.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What bird is born with claws on its wing digits?", - "correct_answer": "Hoatzin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cormorant", - "Cassowary", - "Secretary bird" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which year did Jenson Button won his first ever Formula One World Drivers' Championship?", - "correct_answer": "2009", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2010", - "2007", - "2006" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was the Declaration of Independence approved by the Second Continental Congress?", - "correct_answer": "July 4, 1776", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "May 4, 1776", - "June 4, 1776", - "July 2, 1776" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of these songs by Skrillex features Fatman Scoop as a side artist?", - "correct_answer": "Recess", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "All is Fair in Love and Brostep", - "Rock N Roll (Will Take You to the Mountain)", - "Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In 2013 how much money was lost by Nigerian scams?", - "correct_answer": "$12.7 Billion", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "$95 Million", - "$956 Million", - "$2.7 Billion" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many different notes is the tune, "Song of Healing", comprised of in "The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask"?", - "correct_answer": "3", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "4", - "1", - "6" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which country has the union jack in its flag?", - "correct_answer": "New Zealand", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "South Africa", - "Canada", - "Hong Kong" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the "Halo" franchise, in what country is New Mombasa?", - "correct_answer": "Kenya", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "India", - "Turkey", - "Slovakia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the French word for "hat"?", - "correct_answer": "Chapeau", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bonnet", - " Écharpe", - " Casque" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is Homestuck character Gamzee's last name?", - "correct_answer": "Makara", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Makera", - "Makare", - "Makrea" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Hellboy universe, what was Abe Sapien's birth name?", - "correct_answer": "Langdon Everett Caul", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lord Baltimore", - "Sir Edward Grey", - "Landis Pope" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games", characters are split into how many types?", - "correct_answer": "4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "6", - "5", - "3" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Out of all of the NASA Space Shuttles, which 2 have been destroyed in disasters?", - "correct_answer": "Challenger and Columbia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Enterprise and Atlantis", - "Discovery and Endeavour", - "None of the Above" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Nickelodeon rejected the pilot to Adventure Time.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "The IBM PC used an Intel 8008 microprocessor clocked at 4.77 MHz and 8 kilobytes of memory.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In Topology, the complement of an open set is a closed set.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Batman comics, by what other name is the villain Dr. Jonathan Crane known?", - "correct_answer": "Scarecrow", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bane", - "Calendar Man", - "Clayface" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What does the 'S' stand for in the abbreviation SIM, as in SIM card? ", - "correct_answer": "Subscriber", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Single", - "Secure", - "Solid" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who recorded the album called "Down to the Moon" in 1986?", - "correct_answer": "Andreas Vollenweider", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jean-Michel Jarre", - "Bing Crosby", - "Enya" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When did the online streaming service "Mixer" launch?", - "correct_answer": "2016", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2013", - "2009", - "2011" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Where does "The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask" take place?", - "correct_answer": "Termina", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Hyrule", - "Gysahl", - "Besaid" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Soulja Boy's 'Crank That' won a Grammy for Best Rap Song in 2007.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Joseph Smith was the founder of what religion?", - "correct_answer": "Mormonism", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Buddhism", - "Christianity", - "Hinduism" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Japan has left-hand side traffic.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was Maggie Simpson's first canonical word, not including the Tracey Ullman shorts?", - "correct_answer": "Daddy.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sequel?", - "Ja!", - "Rusty!" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a terrorist faction in Counter-Strike (2000)?", - "correct_answer": "Midwest Militia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Phoenix Connection", - "Elite Crew", - "Guerrilla Warfare" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Brian May was the guitarist for which band?", - "correct_answer": "Queen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pink Floyd", - "Rolling Stones", - "The Doors" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Portal series, Aperture Science was founded under what name in the early 1940s?", - "correct_answer": "Aperture Fixtures", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Aperture Lavatories", - "Aperture Science Innovators", - "Wheatley Laboratories" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Olympics tennis court is a giant green screen.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "John Williams composed the music for "Star Wars".", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What was the first video game in the Batman "Arkham" series?", - "correct_answer": "Arkham Asylum", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Arkham Knight", - "Arkham City", - "Arkham Origins" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "This mobile OS held the largest market share in 2012.", - "correct_answer": "iOS", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Android", - "BlackBerry", - "Symbian" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The most frequent subconscious activity repeated by the human body is blinking.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who was Firestorm's rival during the original run of UK Robot Wars?", - "correct_answer": "Panic Attack", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Razer", - "Chaos 2", - "Hypno Disc" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The band Muse released their first album, Showbiz, in what year?", - "correct_answer": "1999", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1998", - "2000", - "2001" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Area 51 is located in which US state?", - "correct_answer": "Nevada", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Arizona", - "New Mexico", - "Utah" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Musicals & Theatres", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of War of the Worlds, the chances of anything coming from Mars are...", - "correct_answer": "A million to one", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A billion to one", - "A trillion to one", - "A hundred to one" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Where did the Great Storm of 1987 make landfall at, first?", - "correct_answer": "Cornwall", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Surrey", - "Wales", - "The Midlands" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the 15th letter of the Greek alphabet?", - "correct_answer": "Omicron (Ο)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sigma (Σ)", - "Pi (Π)", - "Nu (Ν)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was Marilyn Monroe`s character's first name in the film "Some Like It Hot"?", - "correct_answer": "Sugar", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Honey", - "Caramel", - "Candy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Politics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The largest consumer market in 2015 was...", - "correct_answer": "The United States of America", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Germany", - "Japan", - "United Kingdom" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these is not a single by Pink Floyd guitarist, David Gilmour?", - "correct_answer": "Sunset Strip", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rattle That Lock", - "Blue Light", - "Arnold Layne" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What are the four corner states of the US?", - "correct_answer": "Utah, Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Oregon, Idaho, Nevada, Utah", - "Kansas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana", - "South Dakota, Minnesota, Nebraska, Iowa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Neanderthals were a direct ancestor of modern humans.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Ceratosaurus, a dinosaur known for having a horn on the top of its nose, is also known to be a decendent of the Tyrannosaurus Rex.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "This movie contains the quote, "Nobody puts Baby in a corner."", - "correct_answer": "Dirty Dancing", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Three Men and a Baby", - "Ferris Bueller's Day Off", - "Pretty in Pink" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Alzheimer's disease primarily affects which part of the human body?", - "correct_answer": "Brain", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lungs", - "Skin", - "Heart" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the name of the popular animatronic singing fish prop, singing such hits such as "Don't Worry, Be Happy"?", - "correct_answer": "Big Mouth Billy Bass", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Big Billy Bass", - "Singing Fish", - "Sardeen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following Presidents of the United States was assassinated?", - "correct_answer": "William McKinley", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lyndon Johnson", - "Chester Arthur", - "Franklin Roosevelt" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the film "Requiem for a Dream", what drug does Jared Leto's character get addicted to?", - "correct_answer": "Heroin", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cocaine", - "Marijuana", - "Oxycodone" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How much does the 'AWP' cost in Counter-Strike: Global Offensive?", - "correct_answer": "$4750", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "$4500", - "$4650", - "$5000" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In what year was "Antichamber" released?", - "correct_answer": "2013", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2012", - "2014", - "2011" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which lyric is about Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman Anthony Kiedis?", - "correct_answer": ""A rainy Lithuanian / Is dancing as an Indian"", - "incorrect_answers": [ - ""Fly away on, my zephyr / I feel it more than ever"", - ""And I liked the dimple in your chin / Your pale blue eyes"", - ""You used to be so warm and affectionate...but now you're quick to get into your regret"" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Japanese company is the world's largest manufacturer of motorcycles?", - "correct_answer": "Honda", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Yamaha", - "Suzuki", - "Kawasaki" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Roman god "Jupiter" was first known as "Zeus" to the Greeks.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these people was NOT a founder of Apple Inc?", - "correct_answer": "Jonathan Ive", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Steve Jobs", - "Ronald Wayne", - "Steve Wozniak" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What does CPU stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Central Processing Unit", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Central Process Unit", - "Computer Personal Unit", - "Central Processor Unit" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these characters was almost added into Super Smash Bros. Melee, but not included as the game was too far in development?", - "correct_answer": "Solid Snake", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pit", - "Meta Knight", - "R.O.B." - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Irish musician Hozier released a music track in 2013 titled, "Take Me to ______"", - "correct_answer": "Church", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mosque", - "Synagogue", - "Temple" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is Dipper's real name from "Gravity Falls"?", - "correct_answer": "Mason Pines", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mable Pines", - "Jason Pines", - "Mark Pines" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What cricketing term denotes a batsman being dismissed with a score of zero?", - "correct_answer": "Duck", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bye", - "Beamer", - "Carry" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which one of these films are shot entirely in one-take?", - "correct_answer": "Russian Ark", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Good Will Hunting", - "Birdman", - "Schindler's List" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Approximately how many Apple I personal computers were created?", - "correct_answer": "200", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "100", - "500", - "1000" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which planet did the "Viking 1" spacecraft send surface images of, starting in 1976?", - "correct_answer": "Mars", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Saturn", - "Jupiter", - "Venus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The F1 season of 1994 is remembered for what tragic event?", - "correct_answer": "Death of Ayrton Senna (San Marino)", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Showdown (Australia)", - "Verstappen on Fire (Germany)", - "Schumacher's Ban (Britain)" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Centripedal force is an apparent force that acts outward on a body moving around a center, arising from the body's inertia.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Kingdom Hearts", what mission are Donald and Goofy assigned by King Mickey?", - "correct_answer": "To find the Key bearer and stick with him!", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "To find the Key bearer and steal the key!", - "To find the Key bearer and report back!", - "To find the Key bearer and kill him!" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Flag of the European Union has how many stars on it?", - "correct_answer": "12", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "10", - "14", - "16" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following ancient Near Eastern peoples still exists as a modern ethnic group?", - "correct_answer": "Assyrians", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Babylonians", - "Hittites", - "Elamites" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the first "Call Of Duty: Zombies" map to be directed by Jason Blundell?", - "correct_answer": "Mob Of The Dead", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Buried", - "Origins", - "Moon" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who painted The Starry Night?", - "correct_answer": "Vincent van Gogh", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Pablo Picasso", - "Leonardo da Vinci", - "Michelangelo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What year was Canada founded in?", - "correct_answer": "1867", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1798", - "1859", - "1668" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "A scalene triangle has two sides of equal length.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the correct spelling of the protagonist of the book in The NeverEnding Story (1984)?", - "correct_answer": "Atreyu", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Atrayu", - "Atraiyu", - "Atraeyu" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Michael Jackson had a pet python named ‘Crusher’.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which of the following is NOT one of the main characters in Grand Theft Auto V’s story mode?", - "correct_answer": "Tommy Vercetti", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Michael de Santa", - "Franklin Clinton", - "Trevor Phillips" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "How many copies of the notorious E.T. game for the Atari 2600 did Atari end up selling?", - "correct_answer": "1.5 Million", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1 Million", - "250 Thousand", - "Less than 250 Thousand" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In the Monster Hunter Series, it is possible to capture Elder Dragons.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In Half-Life 2, if you play the zombies' speech in reverse, they actually speak coherent English.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the Board Game, Settlers of Catan, a die roll of what number causes the Robber to attack? ", - "correct_answer": "7", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "3", - "10", - "1" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Who is the founder of Palantir?", - "correct_answer": "Peter Thiel", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mark Zuckerberg", - "Marc Benioff", - "Jack Dorsey" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The HBO series "Game of Thrones" is based on which series of books?", - "correct_answer": "A Song of Ice and Fire", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Wheel of Time", - "Harry Potter", - "The Notebook" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Star Trek", who was the founder of the Klingon Empire and its philosophy?", - "correct_answer": "Kahless the Unforgettable", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lady Lukara of the Great Hall", - "Molor the Unforgiving", - "Dahar Master Kor" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which member of the Foo Fighters was previously the drummer for Nirvana?", - "correct_answer": "Dave Grohl", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Taylor Hawkins", - "Nate Mendel", - "Chris Shiflett" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which artist’s studio was known as 'The Factory'?", - "correct_answer": "Andy Warhol", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Roy Lichtenstein", - "David Hockney", - "Peter Blake" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which song is not by TheFatRat?", - "correct_answer": "Ascent", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Monody", - "Windfall", - "Infinite Power!" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What are the cylinder-like parts that pump up and down within the engine?", - "correct_answer": "Pistons", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Leaf Springs", - "Radiators", - "ABS" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of the alligator in Where's My Water?", - "correct_answer": "Swampy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cranky", - "Crocky", - "Justice" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Along with Oxygen, which element is primarily responsible for the sky appearing blue?", - "correct_answer": "Nitrogen", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Helium", - "Carbon", - "Hydrogen" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the founder and leader of industrial rock band, 'Nine Inch Nails'?", - "correct_answer": "Trent Reznor", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Marilyn Manson", - "Robin Finck", - "Josh Homme" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Who had a 1969 top 5 hit with the song, 'A Boy Named Sue'?", - "correct_answer": "Johnny Cash", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bob Dylan", - "Willie Nelson", - "Kris Kristofferson" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "When was the "Siege of Leningrad" lifted during World War II?", - "correct_answer": "January 1944", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "September 1943", - "November 1943", - "March 1944" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many zeros are there in a googol?", - "correct_answer": "100", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "10", - "1,000", - "1,000,000" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Celebrities", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is generally considered to be William Shakespeare's birth date?", - "correct_answer": "April 23rd, 1564", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "July 4th, 1409", - "September 29th, 1699", - "December 1st, 1750" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What's the name of Batman's parents?", - "correct_answer": "Thomas & Martha", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Joey & Jackie", - "Jason & Sarah", - "Todd & Mira" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Highschool DxD", Koneko Toujou is from what race?", - "correct_answer": "Nekomata", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kitsune", - "Human", - "Kappa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Television", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the TV series "Person of Interest", who plays the character "Harold Finch"?", - "correct_answer": "Michael Emerson", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Jim Caviezel", - "Taraji P. Henson", - "Kevin Chapman" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "When does "Rogue One: A Star Wars Story" take place chronologically in the series?", - "correct_answer": "Between Episode 3 and 4", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "After Episode 6", - "Before Episode 1", - "Between Episode 4 and 5" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is Scooby-Doo's real name?", - "correct_answer": "Scoobert", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Scooter", - "Scrappy", - "Shooby" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following countries is within the Eurozone but outside of the Schengen Area?", - "correct_answer": "Cyprus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Malta", - "Greece", - "Portugal" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these is NOT a car model produced by Malaysian car manufacturer Proton?", - "correct_answer": "Kelisa", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Saga", - "Perdana", - "Inspira" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Japanese Anime & Manga", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In "Love Live: School Idol Project" what pseudonym does Kotori Minami use in her job as a maid?", - "correct_answer": "Minalinsky", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Stanoytchev", - "Kuznetsov", - "Aqours" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "There are no deserts in Europe.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What does "LCD" stand for?", - "correct_answer": "Liquid Crystal Display", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Language Control Design", - "Last Common Difference", - "Long Continuous Design" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Adam West was the mayor of which cartoon town?", - "correct_answer": "Quahog", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Springfield", - "South Park", - "Langley Falls" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which round does a WW2 M1 Garand fire?", - "correct_answer": ".30-06", - "incorrect_answers": [ - ".308", - "7.62", - "7.62x51mm" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which album was released by Kanye West in 2013?", - "correct_answer": "Yeezus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy", - "The Life of Pablo", - "Watch the Throne" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Gannymede is the largest moon of which planet?", - "correct_answer": "Jupiter", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Uranus", - "Neptune", - "Mars" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Mirror's Edge Catalyst takes place in the City of...?", - "correct_answer": "Glass", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mirrors", - "Purity", - "Diamonds" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the alphanumeric representation of the imaginary number?", - "correct_answer": "i", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "e", - "n", - "x" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the oldest US state?", - "correct_answer": "Delaware", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Rhode Island", - "Maine", - "Virginia" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these stages is not playable in "Super Smash Bros. for Wii U"?", - "correct_answer": "Fountain of Dreams", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Bridge of Eldin", - "75m", - "Miiverse" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the Capital of the United States?", - "correct_answer": "Washington, D.C.", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Los Angelas, CA", - "New York City, NY", - "Houston, TX" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In what year did Kentucky become the 15th state to join the union?", - "correct_answer": "1792", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1782", - "1798", - "1788" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Pink Guy's debut album was "Pink Season".", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What was the name of the hero in the 80s animated video game 'Dragon's Lair'?", - "correct_answer": "Dirk the Daring", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Arthur", - "Sir Toby Belch", - "Guy of Gisbourne" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "One of the deadliest pandemics, the "Spanish Flu", killed off what percentage of the human world population at the time?", - "correct_answer": "3 to 6 percent", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "6 to 10 percent", - "1 to 3 percent", - "less than 1 percent" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In 2012, which movie won every category in the 32nd "Golden Raspberry Awards"?", - "correct_answer": "Jack and Jill", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo", - "Thor", - "The King's Speech" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "There are a total of 20 races in Formula One 2016 season.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Against which country did the Dutch Republic fight the Eighty Years' War?", - "correct_answer": "Spain", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "France", - "England", - "Portugal" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Python programming language gets its name from the British comedy group "Monty Python."", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which musician has collaborated with American producer Porter Robinson and released the 2016 song "Shelter"?", - "correct_answer": "Madeon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Mat Zo", - "deadmau5", - "Zedd" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the name of the virus that infected New York in Tom Clancy's The Division?", - "correct_answer": "Dollar Flu", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ebola", - "Red Poison", - "Smallpox" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Mathematics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In the complex plane, multiplying a given function by i rotates it anti-clockwise by how many degrees?", - "correct_answer": "90", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "180", - "270", - "0" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In World of Warcraft lore, who organized the creation of the Paladins?", - "correct_answer": "Alonsus Faol", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Uther the Lightbringer", - "Alexandros Mograine", - "Sargeras, The Daemon Lord" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "Gravity Falls", how much does Waddles weigh when Mable wins him in "The Time Traveler's Pig"?", - "correct_answer": "15 pounds", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "20 pounds", - "10 pounds", - "30 pounds" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "How many manned moon landings have there been?", - "correct_answer": "6", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1", - "3", - "7" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Who is the main character of "Metal Gear Solid 3"?", - "correct_answer": "Naked Snake", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Solid Snake", - "Liquid Snake", - "Venom Snake" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which novelty band was best known for their UK chart hits "Combine Harvester" and "I Am a Cider Drinker" in 1976?", - "correct_answer": "The Wurzels", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Goldie Lookin Chain", - "Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band", - "The Firm" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which U.S. President was famously 'attacked' by a swimming rabbit?", - "correct_answer": "Jimmy Carter", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ronald Reagan", - "Lydon B. Johnson", - "Gerald Ford" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which internet company began life as an online bookstore called 'Cadabra'?", - "correct_answer": "Amazon", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "eBay", - "Overstock", - "Shopify" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the half-life of Uranium-235?", - "correct_answer": "703,800,000 years", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "4,300,400,000 years", - "1,260,900,000 years", - "Uranium-235 is a stable isotope" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Ewan McGregor did not know the name of the second prequel film of Star Wars during and after filming.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of these countries is NOT located in Africa?", - "correct_answer": "Suriname", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Burkina Faso", - "Mozambique", - "Algeria" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Konami Code is known as Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Right, Left, B, A, Start.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Board Games", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these cards from "Magic: The Gathering" has a flavor text that begins with "Oi oi oi"?", - "correct_answer": "Uthden Troll", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Lotleth Troll", - "Albino Troll", - "Harvester Troll" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the scientific name of the cheetah?", - "correct_answer": "Acinonyx jubatus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Panthera onca", - "Lynx rufus", - "Felis catus" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The LS3 engine is how many cubic inches?", - "correct_answer": "376", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "346", - "364", - "427" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which country was NOT part of the Soviet Union?", - "correct_answer": "Romania", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Turkmenistan", - "Belarus", - "Tajikistan" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Vehicles", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What engine is in the Lexus SC400?", - "correct_answer": "1UZ-FE", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2JZ-GTE", - "7M-GTE", - "5M-GE" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Gadgets", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of the following cellular device companies is NOT headquartered in Asia?", - "correct_answer": "Nokia", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "LG Electronics", - "Samsung", - "HTC" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Art", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Pablo Picasso is one of the founding fathers of "Cubism."", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What was the name given to Japanese military dictators who ruled the country through the 12th and 19th Century?", - "correct_answer": "Shogun", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ninja", - "Samurai", - "Shinobi" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What stage of development do the majority of eukaryotic cells remain in for most of their life?", - "correct_answer": "Interphase", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Prophase", - "Stasis", - "Telophase" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Animals", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the scientific name for the "Polar Bear"?", - "correct_answer": "Ursus Maritimus", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Polar Bear", - "Ursus Spelaeus", - "Ursus Arctos" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": ""All the Boys" by Panic! At the Disco was released as a bonus track on what album?", - "correct_answer": "Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die!", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out", - "Death Of A Bachelor", - "Vices & Virtues" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Music", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which of the following guitarists recorded an album as a member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers?", - "correct_answer": "Dave Navarro", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Tom Morello ", - "Billy Corgan", - "Ed O'Brien" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Night on Bald Mountain was one of the musical pieces featured in Disney's 1940's film Fantasia.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Mythology", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "This Greek mythological figure is the god/goddess of battle strategy (among other things).", - "correct_answer": "Athena", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Ares", - "Artemis", - "Apollo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which logical fallacy means to attack the character of your opponent rather than their arguments?", - "correct_answer": "Ad hominem", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Post hoc ergo propter hoc", - "Tu quoque", - "Argumentum ad populum" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Video Games", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In "The Sims" series, the most members in a household you can have is 8.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "What is the largest animal currently on Earth?", - "correct_answer": "Blue Whale", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Orca", - "Colossal Squid", - "Giraffe" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Cartoon & Animations", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "How many episodes were in season five of Samurai Jack?", - "correct_answer": "10", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "12", - "11", - "13" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Where is the "Sonoran Desert" located?", - "correct_answer": "North America", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "South America", - "Asia", - "Africa" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the full name of the footballer "Cristiano Ronaldo"?", - "correct_answer": "Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cristiano Ronaldo los Santos Diego", - "Cristiano Armando Diego Ronaldo", - "Cristiano Luis Armando Ronaldo" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In what year does Jurassic World open in the "Jurassic Park" universe?", - "correct_answer": "2005", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "2007", - "2015", - "2020" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Assyrian king Sennacherib's destruction of Babylon in 689 BCE was viewed as a triumph by other Assyrian citizens.", - "correct_answer": "False", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "True" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Sports", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which NBA player has the most games played over the course of their career?", - "correct_answer": "Robert Parish", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Kareem Abdul-Jabbar", - "Kevin Garnett", - "Kobe Bryant" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "Which of these was the name of a bug found in April 2014 in the publicly available OpenSSL cryptography library?", - "correct_answer": "Heartbleed", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Shellshock", - "Corrupted Blood", - "Shellscript" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "boolean", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "The Spitfire originated from a racing plane.", - "correct_answer": "True", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "False" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "When was the United States National Security Agency established?", - "correct_answer": "November 4, 1952", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "July 26, 1908", - " July 1, 1973", - " November 25, 2002" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science: Computers", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "In HTML, which non-standard tag used to be be used to make elements scroll across the viewport?", - "correct_answer": "<marquee></marquee>", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "<scroll></scroll>", - "<move></move>", - "<slide></slide>" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Books", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "In the Harry Potter universe, what is Cornelius Fudge's middle name?", - "correct_answer": "Oswald", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "James", - "Harold", - "Christopher" - ] - }, - { - "category": "History", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "The Korean War started in what year?", - "correct_answer": "1950", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "1945", - "1960", - "1912" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Film", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "Which Marvel superhero did Chris Evans play prior to his role as Captain America?", - "correct_answer": "Human Torch", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Cyclops", - "Iceman", - "Daredevil" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What is the romanized Chinese word for "airplane"?", - "correct_answer": "Feiji", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Qiche", - "Zongxian", - "Huojian" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Entertainment: Comics", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "In "Homestuck" what is Dave Strider's guardian?", - "correct_answer": "Bro", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Becquerel", - "Doc Scratch", - "Halley" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "A doctor with a PhD is a doctor of what?", - "correct_answer": "Philosophy", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Psychology", - "Phrenology", - "Physical Therapy" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Geography", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "medium", - "question": "What is the capital of Australia?", - "correct_answer": "Canberra", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Sydney", - "Melbourne", - "Brisbane" - ] - }, - { - "category": "Science & Nature", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "easy", - "question": "Which noble gas has the lowest atomic number?", - "correct_answer": "Helium", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "Neon", - "Argon", - "Krypton" - ] - }, - { - "category": "General Knowledge", - "type": "multiple", - "difficulty": "hard", - "question": "What does the Latin phrase "Veni, vidi, vici" translate into English?", - "correct_answer": "I came, I saw, I conquered", - "incorrect_answers": [ - "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil", - "Life, liberty, and happiness", - "Past, present, and future" - ] - } -] \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/expected context.txt b/data/expected context.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 3f8cc7d..0000000 --- a/data/expected context.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1 +0,0 @@ -read article \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/last time used.txt b/data/last time used.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 0867b1b..0000000 --- a/data/last time used.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1 +0,0 @@ -28/2/2024 \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/log.txt b/data/log.txt deleted file mode 100644 index a64cabb..0000000 --- a/data/log.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1026 +0,0 @@ -2023-11-16 11:30:27.360641: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.8080956935882568 -2023-11-16 11:30:27.360641: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.2578270435333252 -2023-11-16 11:50:08.226656: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.300246000289917 -2023-11-16 11:50:08.226656: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4152626991271973 -2023-11-16 11:55:30.493414: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.0232317447662354 -2023-11-16 11:55:30.493414: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.840167760848999 -2023-11-16 11:56:34.287762: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.073446273803711 -2023-11-16 11:56:34.287762: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8626666069030762 -2023-11-16 11:58:14.796188: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.9358155727386475 -2023-11-16 11:58:14.796188: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8286082744598389 -2023-11-16 11:59:12.302983: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.0441672801971436 -2023-11-16 11:59:12.302983: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8276157379150391 -2023-11-16 12:00:04.973664: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.9849226474761963 -2023-11-16 12:00:04.973664: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8357577323913574 -2023-11-16 12:00:53.948817: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.960160493850708 -2023-11-16 12:00:53.948817: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8277347087860107 -2023-11-16 12:01:21.306013: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.9690427780151367 -2023-11-16 12:01:21.306013: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8289966583251953 -2023-11-16 12:02:03.076207: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.9547877311706543 -2023-11-16 12:02:03.076207: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8249537944793701 -2023-11-16 12:03:29.863153: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.995471477508545 -2023-11-16 12:03:29.863153: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8342206478118896 -2023-11-16 12:11:13.452908: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.983107328414917 -2023-11-16 12:11:13.452908: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8418834209442139 -2023-11-16 12:12:10.403553: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.9318163394927979 -2023-11-16 12:12:10.403553: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8256151676177979 -2023-11-16 12:13:07.854642: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.965071678161621 -2023-11-16 12:13:07.854642: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8384308815002441 -2023-11-16 12:17:16.306108: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.002286434173584 -2023-11-16 12:17:16.306108: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8340659141540527 -2023-11-16 12:17:50.385347: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.9994525909423828 -2023-11-16 12:17:50.385347: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8458435535430908 -2023-11-16 12:18:22.513646: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.983229398727417 -2023-11-16 12:18:22.513646: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8286769390106201 -2023-11-16 12:26:24.267473: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.623300313949585 -2023-11-16 12:26:50.122953: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.032496929168701 -2023-11-16 12:26:50.122953: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8539931774139404 -2023-11-16 12:27:27.623686: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.065242052078247 -2023-11-16 12:27:27.623686: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8389303684234619 -2023-11-16 12:29:14.661519: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.0695464611053467 -2023-11-16 12:29:14.661519: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8614039421081543 -2023-11-16 12:29:45.417591: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.143538236618042 -2023-11-16 12:29:45.417591: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8361632823944092 -2023-11-16 12:39:38.220748: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.147509813308716 -2023-11-16 12:39:38.220748: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8388543128967285 -2023-11-16 13:18:49.482286: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.9789912700653076 -2023-11-16 13:18:49.482286: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3603947162628174 -2023-11-16 13:19:53.252437: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.1778688430786133 -2023-11-16 13:19:53.252437: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.380537509918213 -2023-11-16 13:20:43.120494: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.1634955406188965 -2023-11-16 13:20:43.120494: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.2832984924316406 -2023-11-16 13:21:31.323953: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.05962872505188 -2023-11-16 13:21:31.323953: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.380359411239624 -2023-11-16 13:24:23.697466: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.0447981357574463 -2023-11-16 13:24:23.697466: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.317335605621338 -2023-11-16 13:29:27.937597: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.953207015991211 -2023-11-16 13:29:27.937597: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.2977664470672607 -2023-11-16 13:33:23.138250: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.4157373905181885 -2023-11-16 13:33:23.138250: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5332508087158203 -2023-11-16 13:33:48.282576: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.2351880073547363 -2023-11-16 13:33:48.282576: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.377492904663086 -2023-11-17 08:42:41.478500: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.5342178344726562 -2023-11-17 08:42:41.478500: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4717297554016113 -2023-11-17 08:54:53.273380: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.5402729511260986 -2023-11-17 08:54:53.273380: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4643757343292236 -2023-11-17 08:55:16.197625: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.304518938064575 -2023-11-17 08:55:16.197625: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3051159381866455 -2023-11-17 08:55:59.804770: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.3824291229248047 -2023-11-17 08:55:59.804770: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3655121326446533 -2023-11-17 08:57:35.240810: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.4177606105804443 -2023-11-17 08:57:35.240810: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5006358623504639 -2023-11-17 09:05:59.676657: All libraries imported. Time taken... 8.067938804626465 -2023-11-17 09:05:59.676657: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4294626712799072 -2023-11-17 10:37:41.477002: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.60990047454834 -2023-11-17 10:37:41.477002: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5175416469573975 -2023-11-17 10:39:01.984689: All libraries imported. Time taken... 4.373270511627197 -2023-11-17 10:39:01.984689: Time taken to preprocess data: 3.8291776180267334 -2023-11-17 10:40:08.174848: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.488671064376831 -2023-11-17 10:40:08.174848: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4004871845245361 -2023-11-17 10:42:22.070598: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.8231494426727295 -2023-11-17 10:42:22.070598: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4366986751556396 -2023-11-17 10:43:12.553793: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.23728609085083 -2023-11-17 10:43:12.553793: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4687151908874512 -2023-11-17 10:44:09.949305: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.4755821228027344 -2023-11-17 10:44:09.949305: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.351341724395752 -2023-11-17 10:44:41.455897: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.5990164279937744 -2023-11-17 10:44:41.455897: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3143572807312012 -2023-11-17 10:45:18.724326: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.299731492996216 -2023-11-17 10:45:18.724326: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.408715009689331 -2023-11-17 10:46:04.316326: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.410461187362671 -2023-11-17 10:46:04.316326: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4361379146575928 -2023-11-17 10:46:41.929772: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.6013715267181396 -2023-11-17 10:46:41.929772: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3561575412750244 -2023-11-17 11:01:16.932627: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.306330442428589 -2023-11-17 11:01:16.932627: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8753697872161865 -2023-11-17 11:25:37.570752: All libraries imported. Time taken... 4.216294288635254 -2023-11-17 11:25:37.570752: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1547515392303467 -2023-11-17 11:28:09.078924: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.082648277282715 -2023-11-17 11:28:09.078924: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8687243461608887 -2023-11-17 11:28:59.685414: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.054368019104004 -2023-11-17 11:28:59.685414: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8521196842193604 -2023-11-17 11:29:36.555512: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.1317737102508545 -2023-11-17 11:29:36.555512: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8461720943450928 -2023-11-17 11:31:19.547777: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.0525963306427 -2023-11-17 11:31:19.547777: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8363349437713623 -2023-11-17 11:31:46.896520: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.078007221221924 -2023-11-17 11:31:46.896520: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8449063301086426 -2023-11-20 12:09:51.217136: All libraries imported. Time taken... 13.446080207824707 -2023-11-20 12:09:51.217136: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.306372165679932 -2023-11-20 12:33:50.959065: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.5627076625823975 -2023-11-20 12:33:50.959065: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.342012882232666 -2023-11-20 12:50:58.532996: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.431103229522705 -2023-11-20 12:50:58.532996: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3648412227630615 -2023-11-20 12:52:08.542248: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.3912928104400635 -2023-11-20 12:52:08.542248: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.399430751800537 -2023-11-20 14:51:59.115034: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.394998073577881 -2023-11-20 14:51:59.115034: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.433619737625122 -2023-11-20 14:53:45.156347: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.5081796646118164 -2023-11-20 14:53:45.156347: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3851118087768555 -2023-11-20 14:54:13.516048: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.723336935043335 -2023-11-20 14:54:13.516048: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.384706735610962 -2023-11-20 14:54:34.067728: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.482969045639038 -2023-11-20 14:54:34.067728: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3817031383514404 -2023-11-20 14:55:07.392614: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.3976192474365234 -2023-11-20 14:55:07.392614: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3385720252990723 -2023-11-20 15:59:17.493835: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.8676974773406982 -2023-11-20 15:59:17.493835: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3719375133514404 -2023-11-20 15:59:44.729623: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.3227596282958984 -2023-11-20 15:59:44.729623: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4480221271514893 -2023-11-20 16:05:28.435157: All libraries imported. Time taken... 4.531930446624756 -2023-11-20 16:05:28.435157: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4060344696044922 -2023-11-20 16:07:03.761900: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.4878973960876465 -2023-11-20 16:07:03.761900: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4117405414581299 -2023-11-20 16:09:51.006244: All libraries imported. Time taken... 16.4616219997406 -2023-11-20 16:09:51.006244: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.340878963470459 -2023-11-20 16:10:39.066745: All libraries imported. Time taken... 4.005455493927002 -2023-11-20 16:10:39.066745: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5342442989349365 -2023-11-20 16:13:05.409575: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.378539562225342 -2023-11-20 16:13:05.409575: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4047622680664062 -2023-11-20 16:14:18.511244: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.329617738723755 -2023-11-20 16:14:18.511244: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4114549160003662 -2023-11-20 16:14:38.909778: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.510935068130493 -2023-11-20 16:14:38.909778: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4275014400482178 -2023-11-20 16:15:55.820614: All libraries imported. Time taken... 4.752420663833618 -2023-11-20 16:15:55.820614: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.8028874397277832 -2023-11-21 08:52:22.938758: All libraries imported. Time taken... 10.208909034729004 -2023-11-21 08:52:22.938758: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.225086212158203 -2023-11-21 08:53:19.074222: All libraries imported. Time taken... 4.288116931915283 -2023-11-21 08:53:19.074222: Time taken to preprocess data: 2.107323408126831 -2023-11-21 08:54:57.957586: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.9761550426483154 -2023-11-21 08:54:57.957586: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.408930778503418 -2023-11-21 08:54:57.957586: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.508695125579834 -2023-11-21 08:54:57.957586: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5614469051361084 -2023-11-21 10:04:09.588951: All libraries imported. Time taken... 8.468488693237305 -2023-11-21 10:04:09.588951: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4813263416290283 -2023-11-21 10:04:09.588951: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3791730403900146 -2023-11-21 10:05:50.026970: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.5560929775238037 -2023-11-21 10:05:50.026970: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.6463956832885742 -2023-11-21 10:05:50.026970: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5076477527618408 -2023-11-21 10:07:20.194397: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.59521746635437 -2023-11-21 10:07:20.194397: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5690422058105469 -2023-11-21 10:09:53.564065: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.385254383087158 -2023-11-21 10:09:53.564065: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4932446479797363 -2023-11-21 10:10:28.420835: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.5581984519958496 -2023-11-21 10:10:28.420835: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.44693922996521 -2023-11-21 10:11:06.339962: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.9055087566375732 -2023-11-21 10:11:06.339962: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3876781463623047 -2023-11-21 10:11:45.637803: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.4680964946746826 -2023-11-21 10:12:28.578547: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.4028124809265137 -2023-11-21 10:12:28.578547: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4391236305236816 -2023-11-21 10:13:44.076737: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.982217788696289 -2023-11-21 10:13:44.076737: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.6076388359069824 -2023-11-21 10:24:06.797826: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4886581897735596 -2023-11-21 10:24:06.797826: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.342581033706665 -2023-11-21 10:44:08.493275: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3378853797912598 -2023-11-21 10:44:10.847960: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.240544319152832 -2023-11-21 10:44:10.878545: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.2576031684875488 -2023-11-21 10:45:13.566632: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.6128828525543213 -2023-11-21 10:45:13.566632: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4035558700561523 -2023-11-21 10:55:49.254954: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.533440589904785 -2023-11-21 10:55:49.254954: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.376763105392456 -2023-11-21 10:57:23.609729: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3753366470336914 -2023-11-21 10:57:54.987413: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.355149269104004 -2023-11-21 10:59:02.471671: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.7318503856658936 -2023-11-21 10:59:58.986227: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3479559421539307 -2023-11-21 11:00:16.264248: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.5441205501556396 -2023-11-21 11:00:16.264248: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.20391464233398438 -2023-11-21 11:01:54.342507: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4584290981292725 -2023-11-21 11:02:13.089335: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3650338649749756 -2023-11-21 11:02:13.089335: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4507286548614502 -2023-11-21 11:03:44.829470: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.431831121444702 -2023-11-21 11:03:58.973503: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.453662872314453 -2023-11-21 11:03:58.973503: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.7780396938323975 -2023-11-21 11:05:01.357241: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.425583600997925 -2023-11-21 11:05:01.357241: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.7672455310821533 -2023-11-21 11:09:16.833090: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.896584987640381 -2023-11-21 11:09:20.224996: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.9902994632720947 -2023-11-21 11:09:20.232232: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.059087038040161 -2023-11-21 11:09:20.263073: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.0388894081115723 -2023-11-21 11:09:20.301360: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.0871801376342773 -2023-11-21 11:09:20.329036: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.0349175930023193 -2023-11-21 11:09:20.325841: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.0541441440582275 -2023-11-21 11:09:20.440376: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.1282570362091064 -2023-11-21 11:09:20.521696: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.215578317642212 -2023-11-21 11:09:24.495857: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.358926296234131 -2023-11-21 11:09:24.499890: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.229731798171997 -2023-11-21 11:09:24.540969: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.2557308673858643 -2023-11-21 11:09:24.735314: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4011623859405518 -2023-11-21 11:09:24.766372: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4404311180114746 -2023-11-21 11:09:24.775100: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.2914156913757324 -2023-11-21 11:09:24.842379: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.1867473125457764 -2023-11-21 11:09:24.947885: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.2767417430877686 -2023-11-21 11:09:28.626394: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.21928334236145 -2023-11-21 11:09:28.651026: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.083982229232788 -2023-11-21 11:09:28.656029: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3439784049987793 -2023-11-21 11:09:28.693204: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.192732334136963 - -2023-11-21 11:09:28.728220: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.1587443351745605 -2023-11-21 11:09:28.735177: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.2477269172668457 -2023-11-21 11:09:28.884206: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.299823045730591 -2023-11-21 11:09:32.755235: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.251140594482422 -2023-11-21 11:09:32.864258: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3651633262634277 -2023-11-21 11:09:32.883303: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.266883373260498 -2023-11-21 11:09:32.962687: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3223283290863037 -2023-11-21 11:09:33.076572: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3722474575042725 -2023-11-21 11:09:33.124628: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3950867652893066 -2023-11-21 11:09:33.133552: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3416218757629395 -2023-11-21 11:09:33.144562: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4216883182525635 -2023-11-21 11:09:36.760151: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3048274517059326 -2023-11-21 11:09:36.805280: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.2692368030548096 -2023-11-21 11:09:36.899063: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.379617691040039 -2023-11-21 11:09:37.043837: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.377817153930664 -2023-11-21 11:09:37.108508: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.436209201812744 -2023-11-21 11:09:37.313937: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.5368576049804688 -2023-11-21 11:09:37.365949: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.2019920349121094 -2023-11-21 11:09:37.732026: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.2882583141326904 -2023-11-21 11:09:40.698342: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4309091567993164 -2023-11-21 11:09:40.941280: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.6220107078552246 -2023-11-21 11:09:41.134850: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.107495069503784 -2023-11-21 11:09:41.340420: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.1435177326202393 -2023-11-21 11:09:41.373330: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.2551167011260986 -2023-11-21 11:09:41.572534: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.096163749694824 -2023-11-21 11:09:41.679900: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.0866458415985107 -2023-11-21 11:09:41.750879: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.9029157161712646 -2023-11-21 11:09:44.792046: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4652364253997803 -2023-11-21 11:09:45.512486: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.5862061977386475 -2023-11-21 11:09:45.630027: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.362003803253174 -2023-11-21 11:09:45.658354: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.436007261276245 -2023-11-21 11:09:45.739989: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3915932178497314 -2023-11-21 11:09:45.793263: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.1940956115722656 -2023-11-21 11:09:45.866902: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3630077838897705 -2023-11-21 11:09:45.932459: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.371584177017212 -2023-11-21 11:09:50.125993: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.925729990005493 -2023-11-21 11:09:50.138029: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.9313385486602783 -2023-11-21 11:09:50.298826: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.864572763442993 -2023-11-21 11:09:50.603327: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.860954523086548 -2023-11-21 11:09:50.761840: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.944777727127075 -2023-11-21 11:09:50.832248: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.7950081825256348 -2023-11-21 11:09:51.101711: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.925607204437256 -2023-11-21 11:09:51.252188: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.850560426712036 -2023-11-21 11:09:53.911067: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.285336494445801 -2023-11-21 11:09:53.965348: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3268282413482666 -2023-11-21 11:09:54.453983: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.533430814743042 -2023-11-21 11:09:55.514322: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.0947861671447754 -2023-11-21 11:09:55.527285: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.0726568698883057 -2023-11-21 11:09:55.849315: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.9264614582061768 -2023-11-21 11:09:55.981751: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.8685386180877686 -2023-11-21 11:09:56.139492: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.8281266689300537 -2023-11-21 11:09:58.311072: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.489823341369629 -2023-11-21 11:09:58.315605: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.5793049335479736 -2023-11-21 11:09:59.107152: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.6826298236846924 -2023-11-21 11:10:00.086041: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.713749647140503 -2023-11-21 11:10:00.366035: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.6491448879241943 -2023-11-21 11:10:00.406338: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.742626428604126 -2023-11-21 11:10:00.504253: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.6251120567321777 -2023-11-21 11:10:00.606893: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.6419639587402344 -2023-11-21 11:10:02.180017: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.752366542816162 -2023-11-21 11:10:02.281310: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.707176685333252 -2023-11-21 11:10:04.680051: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.5598788261413574 -2023-11-21 11:10:05.070170: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.518986701965332 -2023-11-21 11:10:05.336057: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.6110033988952637 -2023-11-21 11:10:05.818238: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.6576480865478516 -2023-11-21 11:10:06.151157: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.6318061351776123 -2023-11-21 11:10:06.746489: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.5442254543304443 -2023-11-21 11:10:06.920236: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.365161180496216 -2023-11-21 11:10:06.922236: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3800671100616455 -2023-11-21 11:10:08.094963: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.8188912868499756 -2023-11-21 11:10:08.402393: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.6609039306640625 -2023-11-21 11:10:08.548120: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.707808017730713 -2023-11-21 11:10:10.566312: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3373146057128906 -2023-11-21 11:10:11.541451: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.8205020427703857 -2023-11-21 11:10:11.982115: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.9694957733154297 -2023-11-21 11:10:12.084999: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.080921173095703 -2023-11-21 11:10:12.955451: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.3062260150909424 -2023-11-21 11:10:13.823144: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.5878477096557617 -2023-11-21 11:10:13.837193: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.2541136741638184 -2023-11-21 11:10:14.272722: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.2307050228118896 -2023-11-21 11:10:15.603008: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.042936325073242 -2023-11-21 11:10:16.732869: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.7453181743621826 -2023-11-21 11:10:17.122757: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.0398659706115723 -2023-11-21 11:10:17.483986: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.365936040878296 -2023-11-21 11:10:18.014089: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.3174936771392822 -2023-11-21 11:11:01.895699: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3440475463867188 -2023-11-21 11:11:35.581422: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4495928287506104 -2023-11-21 11:14:43.149381: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3902928829193115 -2023-11-21 11:14:43.149381: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.422370195388794 -2023-11-21 11:17:18.150045: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.380990982055664 -2023-11-21 11:18:08.321181: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.507822275161743 -2023-11-21 11:18:44.806025: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.5506763458251953 -2023-11-21 11:18:44.806025: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4094421863555908 -2023-11-21 11:21:00.549130: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.362818956375122 -2023-11-21 11:21:00.549130: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5193040370941162 -2023-11-21 11:21:29.871144: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.5187957286834717 -2023-11-21 11:21:29.871144: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4383141994476318 -2023-11-21 11:23:01.363292: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3268370628356934 -2023-11-21 11:23:01.363292: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.431481122970581 -2023-11-21 11:25:30.425133: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.1855809688568115 -2023-11-21 11:25:30.425133: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5217053890228271 -2023-11-21 11:27:33.238963: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.389653444290161 -2023-11-21 11:27:33.238963: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.435910940170288 -2023-11-21 11:27:33.238963: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.357573747634888 -2023-11-21 11:27:33.238963: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.284984350204468 -2023-11-21 11:29:09.373328: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.436202049255371 -2023-11-21 11:29:09.373328: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.378303050994873 -2023-11-21 11:32:32.868363: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.5370452404022217 -2023-11-21 11:32:32.868363: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.621030569076538 -2023-11-21 11:42:53.298366: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.43420672416687 -2023-11-21 11:42:53.298366: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.364109754562378 -2023-11-21 11:43:18.614529: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.2668709754943848 -2023-11-21 11:43:18.614529: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4123916625976562 -2023-11-21 11:47:00.001710: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3443593978881836 -2023-11-21 11:47:00.001710: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.341871976852417 -2023-11-21 11:47:43.844335: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.312168836593628 -2023-11-21 11:47:43.844335: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.343324899673462 -2023-11-21 11:48:52.337286: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.2631278038024902 -2023-11-21 11:48:52.337286: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.347090721130371 -2023-11-21 11:49:39.881495: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.354635000228882 -2023-11-21 11:49:39.881495: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4614324569702148 -2023-11-21 11:54:21.446768: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3141870498657227 -2023-11-21 11:54:21.446768: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3412892818450928 -2023-11-21 11:56:52.550047: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.276139497756958 -2023-11-21 11:56:52.550047: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4570643901824951 -2023-11-21 11:57:55.400639: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3355438709259033 -2023-11-21 11:57:55.400639: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3115451335906982 -2023-11-21 12:04:29.973354: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.343601703643799 -2023-11-21 12:04:29.973354: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3630120754241943 -2023-11-21 12:05:12.724899: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4149153232574463 -2023-11-21 12:05:12.724899: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.416062355041504 -2023-11-21 12:06:23.855494: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4205386638641357 -2023-11-21 12:06:23.855494: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3265175819396973 -2023-11-21 12:07:00.583287: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3294169902801514 -2023-11-21 12:07:00.583287: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3768930435180664 -2023-11-21 12:08:50.368543: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.503448009490967 -2023-11-21 12:08:50.368543: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4224023818969727 -2023-11-21 12:09:14.905081: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3017139434814453 -2023-11-21 12:09:14.905081: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4583802223205566 -2023-11-21 12:09:35.980488: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.239912509918213 -2023-11-21 12:09:35.980488: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3790183067321777 -2023-11-21 12:11:49.675039: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.2449777126312256 -2023-11-21 12:11:49.675039: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.350879430770874 -2023-11-21 12:13:01.170669: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3491370677948 -2023-11-21 12:13:01.170669: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3843121528625488 -2023-11-21 12:16:31.498891: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.360546112060547 -2023-11-21 12:16:31.498891: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3265187740325928 -2023-11-21 12:17:41.009216: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.320592164993286 -2023-11-21 12:17:41.009216: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3857486248016357 -2023-11-21 12:18:24.679482: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3361473083496094 -2023-11-21 12:18:24.679482: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3555083274841309 -2023-11-21 13:14:28.678909: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.428008556365967 -2023-11-21 13:20:30.953246: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.3949575424194336 -2023-11-21 13:21:00.623941: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4641408920288086 -2023-11-21 13:21:00.623941: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8376116752624512 -2023-11-27 12:38:07.014121: All libraries imported. Time taken... 12.74958348274231 -2023-11-27 12:38:07.014121: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.610773086547852 -2023-11-27 12:38:07.014121: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.474083185195923 -2023-11-27 12:38:07.014121: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.595181226730347 -2023-11-27 12:45:17.770033: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.37671160697937 -2023-11-27 12:45:17.770033: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.401423692703247 -2023-11-27 12:45:51.355174: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.394031047821045 -2023-11-27 12:45:51.355174: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5726609230041504 -2023-11-27 12:45:51.355174: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.520477533340454 -2023-11-27 12:48:25.966212: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.5398612022399902 -2023-11-27 12:48:25.966212: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.382261037826538 -2023-11-27 12:50:14.498466: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3752501010894775 -2023-11-27 12:50:14.498466: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3817071914672852 -2023-11-27 12:50:35.035016: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4818761348724365 -2023-11-27 12:50:35.035016: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.344505786895752 -2023-11-27 12:52:49.802852: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.6679270267486572 -2023-11-27 12:52:49.802852: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4917092323303223 -2023-11-27 13:23:06.870192: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4423725605010986 -2023-11-27 13:23:06.870192: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.400812149047852 -2023-11-27 13:26:19.876205: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.389883041381836 -2023-11-27 13:26:19.876205: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.489774465560913 -2023-11-27 13:27:03.137658: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3018836975097656 -2023-11-27 13:27:03.137658: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3808064460754395 -2023-11-27 13:27:33.385519: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.346818208694458 -2023-11-27 13:27:33.385519: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3914484977722168 -2023-11-27 13:27:33.385519: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.310859441757202 -2023-11-27 13:33:10.666818: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.8734261989593506 -2023-11-27 13:33:10.666818: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3250763416290283 -2023-11-27 14:21:16.577655: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4549741744995117 -2023-11-27 14:21:16.577655: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3720474243164062 -2023-11-27 14:22:22.268462: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.319638967514038 -2023-11-27 14:22:22.268462: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4160311222076416 -2023-11-27 14:23:07.712370: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.7386410236358643 -2023-11-27 14:23:07.712370: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4059333801269531 -2023-11-27 14:24:39.489287: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.383816719055176 -2023-11-27 14:24:39.489287: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.390453815460205 -2023-11-27 14:26:44.856336: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.445509195327759 -2023-11-27 14:26:44.856336: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3092434406280518 -2023-11-27 14:27:37.157690: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4995927810668945 -2023-11-27 14:27:37.157690: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3591277599334717 -2023-11-27 14:29:27.486722: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3270533084869385 -2023-11-27 14:29:27.486722: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.2971875667572021 -2023-11-27 14:30:12.105643: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.328150749206543 -2023-11-27 14:30:12.105643: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4043397903442383 -2023-11-27 14:30:51.541527: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.546186685562134 -2023-11-27 14:30:51.541527: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5027389526367188 -2023-11-27 14:32:18.752112: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.368950366973877 -2023-11-27 14:32:18.752112: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3343620300292969 -2023-11-27 14:32:47.941786: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.383333206176758 -2023-11-27 14:32:47.941786: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4204216003417969 -2023-11-27 14:33:21.966267: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.2841835021972656 -2023-11-27 14:33:21.966267: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.385653018951416 -2023-11-27 14:35:24.762366: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.352546215057373 -2023-11-27 14:35:24.762366: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3634097576141357 -2023-11-27 14:35:54.929183: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.499181032180786 -2023-11-27 14:35:54.929183: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3364615440368652 -2023-11-27 14:36:40.435702: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3092024326324463 -2023-11-27 14:36:40.435702: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4085912704467773 -2023-11-27 14:42:32.280081: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4646735191345215 -2023-11-27 14:42:32.280081: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.410090446472168 -2023-11-27 14:44:18.616927: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3077006340026855 -2023-11-27 14:44:18.616927: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3833324909210205 -2023-11-27 14:45:43.990879: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3266828060150146 -2023-11-27 14:45:43.990879: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4690845012664795 -2023-11-27 14:46:51.076541: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3492186069488525 -2023-11-27 14:46:51.076541: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3803210258483887 -2023-11-27 14:47:52.005000: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3902111053466797 -2023-11-27 14:47:52.005000: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.340181589126587 -2023-11-27 14:49:29.798623: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.525056838989258 -2023-11-27 14:49:29.798623: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.49900484085083 -2023-11-27 14:50:47.508056: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.566706657409668 -2023-11-27 14:50:47.508056: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5555353164672852 -2023-11-27 14:51:17.121938: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.356724262237549 -2023-11-27 14:51:17.121938: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3286981582641602 -2023-11-27 14:53:03.835328: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.600193500518799 -2023-11-27 14:53:03.835328: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3570899963378906 -2023-11-28 08:50:10.275933: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.7801463603973389 -2023-11-28 08:50:10.275933: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.2509698867797852 -2023-11-28 08:54:12.964394: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.840799331665039 -2023-11-28 08:54:12.964394: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.9981193542480469 -2023-11-28 08:55:16.301140: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.8835763931274414 -2023-11-28 08:55:16.301140: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.068169355392456 -2023-11-28 09:04:25.194757: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4026598930358887 -2023-11-28 09:04:25.194757: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8276548385620117 -2023-11-28 09:05:04.214501: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4906907081604004 -2023-11-28 09:05:04.214501: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8442199230194092 -2023-11-28 09:06:28.251795: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.443310260772705 -2023-11-28 09:06:28.251795: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8658287525177002 -2023-11-28 09:57:59.984312: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.6252777576446533 -2023-11-28 09:57:59.984312: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8600597381591797 -2023-11-28 09:58:42.249898: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4363486766815186 -2023-11-28 09:58:42.249898: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8431422710418701 -2023-11-28 09:59:51.243447: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4472801685333252 -2023-11-28 09:59:51.243447: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8337945938110352 -2023-11-28 10:06:08.055070: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.446228265762329 -2023-11-28 10:06:08.055070: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8338189125061035 -2023-11-28 10:08:26.386631: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4205360412597656 -2023-11-28 10:08:26.386631: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.839442253112793 -2023-11-28 10:10:14.057901: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.405677080154419 -2023-11-28 10:10:14.057901: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8279564380645752 -2023-11-28 10:12:21.838760: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.473062515258789 -2023-11-28 10:12:21.838760: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8438272476196289 -2023-11-28 10:15:09.454962: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4697051048278809 -2023-11-28 10:15:09.454962: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8589000701904297 -2023-11-28 10:15:41.631464: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4288623332977295 -2023-11-28 10:15:41.631464: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8519272804260254 -2023-11-28 10:16:32.559710: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4449610710144043 -2023-11-28 10:16:32.559710: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8431060314178467 -2023-11-28 10:17:43.873694: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.450218677520752 -2023-11-28 10:17:43.873694: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8501889705657959 -2023-11-28 10:18:51.044066: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4139800071716309 -2023-11-28 10:18:51.044066: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.837108850479126 -2023-11-28 10:19:05.491161: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.5078976154327393 -2023-11-28 10:19:05.491161: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8530285358428955 -2023-11-28 10:19:31.278497: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.486506700515747 -2023-11-28 10:19:31.278497: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8515133857727051 -2023-11-28 10:22:23.326068: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.458122968673706 -2023-11-28 10:22:23.326068: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8514320850372314 -2023-11-28 10:23:38.840784: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4682037830352783 -2023-11-28 10:23:38.840784: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8384494781494141 -2023-11-28 10:26:29.446060: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4403810501098633 -2023-11-28 10:26:29.446060: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8364746570587158 -2023-11-28 10:26:48.958971: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4535670280456543 -2023-11-28 10:26:48.958971: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8395986557006836 -2023-11-28 10:29:45.675261: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.414768934249878 -2023-11-28 10:29:45.675261: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8696026802062988 -2023-11-28 10:45:16.582148: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.635319471359253 -2023-11-28 10:45:16.582148: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5575809478759766 -2023-11-28 11:56:22.597694: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.411437511444092 -2023-11-28 11:56:22.597694: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.365417242050171 -2023-11-28 11:57:09.144931: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.294651985168457 -2023-11-28 11:57:09.144931: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3558449745178223 -2023-11-28 11:57:59.064327: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3483216762542725 -2023-11-28 11:57:59.064327: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4397931098937988 -2023-11-28 11:57:59.064327: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.361992359161377 -2023-11-28 11:58:50.036850: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3585526943206787 -2023-11-28 11:58:50.036850: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4635944366455078 -2023-11-28 11:59:25.628421: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.2649917602539062 -2023-11-28 11:59:25.628421: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4552464485168457 -2023-11-28 12:00:33.068232: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.514617681503296 -2023-11-28 12:00:33.068232: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3726091384887695 -2023-11-28 12:00:50.146366: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.7396841049194336 -2023-11-28 12:00:50.146366: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5265049934387207 -2023-11-28 12:06:25.122034: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4080939292907715 -2023-11-28 12:06:25.122034: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.6034913063049316 -2023-11-28 12:07:15.350576: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.5644137859344482 -2023-11-28 12:07:15.350576: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.2872049808502197 -2023-11-28 12:07:46.131139: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.368727445602417 -2023-11-28 12:07:46.131139: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3908398151397705 -2023-11-28 12:08:38.289559: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.389551877975464 -2023-11-28 12:08:38.289559: Time taken to preprocess data: 2.274186611175537 -2023-11-28 12:09:34.944949: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.359912633895874 -2023-11-28 12:09:34.944949: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3675222396850586 -2023-11-28 12:21:07.953059: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.377838373184204 -2023-11-28 12:21:07.953059: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4999194145202637 -2023-11-28 12:26:59.618451: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3240363597869873 -2023-11-28 12:27:30.675727: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3440747261047363 -2023-11-28 12:27:30.675727: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.30421781539917 -2023-11-28 12:28:15.816734: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4779720306396484 -2023-11-28 12:28:15.816734: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3297886848449707 -2023-11-28 12:29:27.380469: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.280694007873535 -2023-11-28 12:29:27.380469: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3364224433898926 -2023-11-28 12:31:31.180124: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3731348514556885 -2023-11-28 12:31:31.180124: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4205846786499023 -2023-11-28 12:32:02.262596: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4508862495422363 -2023-11-28 12:32:02.262596: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.454068660736084 -2023-11-28 12:34:52.956822: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3980770111083984 -2023-11-28 12:34:52.956822: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3065290451049805 -2023-11-28 12:36:16.085281: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.367624521255493 -2023-11-28 12:36:16.085281: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4120452404022217 -2023-11-28 12:36:32.091024: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.614392042160034 -2023-11-28 12:36:32.091024: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3854126930236816 -2023-11-28 12:37:44.714441: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4637980461120605 -2023-11-28 12:37:44.714441: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3210885524749756 -2023-11-28 12:38:56.344364: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3754794597625732 -2023-11-28 12:38:56.344364: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3318417072296143 -2023-11-28 12:41:18.330552: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.381150007247925 -2023-11-28 12:41:18.330552: Time taken to preprocess data: 2.0814340114593506 -2023-11-28 12:49:04.089217: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.0861213207244873 -2023-11-28 12:49:04.089217: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4340462684631348 -2023-11-28 12:49:26.465042: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4289443492889404 -2023-11-28 12:49:26.465042: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3875653743743896 -2023-11-28 12:50:30.024465: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.32432222366333 -2023-11-28 12:50:30.024465: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3282945156097412 -2023-11-28 12:51:24.585257: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.299359083175659 -2023-11-28 12:51:24.585257: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.286140441894531 -2023-11-28 12:52:54.192870: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4526665210723877 -2023-11-28 12:52:54.192870: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3032360076904297 -2023-11-28 12:53:29.929706: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.354485034942627 -2023-11-28 12:53:29.929706: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4063818454742432 -2023-11-28 12:54:14.425077: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4039382934570312 -2023-11-28 12:54:14.425077: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3719120025634766 -2023-11-28 12:54:54.054146: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.2865474224090576 -2023-11-28 12:54:54.054146: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4401133060455322 -2023-11-28 12:54:54.054146: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.381237268447876 -2023-11-28 12:58:33.891894: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.305798053741455 -2023-11-28 12:58:33.891894: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3668062686920166 -2023-11-28 13:00:38.880019: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3860409259796143 -2023-11-28 13:00:38.880019: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.325157642364502 -2023-11-28 13:00:38.880019: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.4405577182769775 -2023-11-28 13:00:38.880019: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.412691593170166 -2023-11-28 13:02:41.356582: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4474189281463623 -2023-11-28 13:02:41.356582: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3645038604736328 -2023-11-28 13:02:41.356582: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3444404602050781 -2023-11-28 13:02:41.356582: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4734089374542236 -2023-11-28 13:05:39.763794: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.383282423019409 -2023-11-28 13:05:39.763794: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3769950866699219 -2023-11-28 13:06:05.607540: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.37186861038208 -2023-11-28 13:06:05.607540: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3501198291778564 -2023-11-28 13:06:05.607540: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.467303037643433 -2023-11-28 13:07:28.720370: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.307690382003784 -2023-11-28 13:07:28.720370: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3939707279205322 -2023-11-28 13:07:28.720370: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.343416213989258 -2023-11-28 13:08:24.470833: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.446134567260742 -2023-11-28 13:08:24.470833: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3376431465148926 -2023-11-28 13:08:24.470833: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.2811713218688965 -2023-11-28 13:08:58.003445: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.5386617183685303 -2023-11-28 13:08:58.003445: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.530882120132446 -2023-11-28 13:08:58.003445: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.341677188873291 -2023-11-28 13:11:32.228160: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.476907968521118 -2023-11-28 13:11:32.228160: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3510558605194092 -2023-11-28 13:11:32.228160: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4835054874420166 -2023-11-28 13:19:28.783081: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3859879970550537 -2023-11-28 13:19:28.783081: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.409566879272461 -2023-11-28 13:19:28.783081: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.378858804702759 -2023-11-28 13:19:28.783081: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.47110390663147 -2023-11-28 13:19:28.783081: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.389557123184204 -2023-11-28 13:24:57.678063: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.6136398315429688 -2023-11-28 13:49:26.771903: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4944281578063965 -2023-11-28 13:49:26.771903: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3250443935394287 -2023-11-28 13:49:26.771903: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3946032524108887 -2023-11-30 11:01:08.723617: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.662461757659912 -2023-11-30 11:01:08.723617: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4032342433929443 -2023-11-30 11:01:08.723617: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.634250640869141 -2023-11-30 11:04:48.118449: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.2670860290527344 -2023-11-30 11:04:48.118449: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3535139560699463 -2023-11-30 11:05:29.512917: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.1894896030426025 -2023-11-30 11:05:29.512917: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.389538288116455 -2023-11-30 11:05:29.512917: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.484828233718872 -2023-11-30 11:12:13.084869: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.234661102294922 -2023-11-30 11:12:13.084869: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4383738040924072 -2023-11-30 11:12:13.084869: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3863728046417236 -2023-11-30 11:13:10.801404: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.2177112102508545 -2023-11-30 11:13:10.801404: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4571757316589355 -2023-11-30 11:18:49.122518: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.264075994491577 -2023-11-30 11:18:49.122518: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4162178039550781 -2023-11-30 11:18:49.122518: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.488739252090454 -2023-11-30 11:18:49.122518: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.532728433609009 -2023-11-30 11:45:54.368343: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4463694095611572 -2023-11-30 11:45:54.368343: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3622446060180664 -2023-11-30 11:46:46.848608: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.365841865539551 -2023-11-30 11:46:46.848608: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3750362396240234 -2023-11-30 11:52:56.085185: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.350170135498047 -2023-11-30 11:52:56.085185: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4145493507385254 -2023-11-30 11:52:56.085185: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.647475004196167 -2023-11-30 11:53:55.371898: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3117496967315674 -2023-11-30 11:53:55.371898: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4517364501953125 -2023-11-30 11:53:55.371898: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4572107791900635 -2023-11-30 11:57:59.742111: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.392068862915039 -2023-11-30 11:57:59.742111: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4411323070526123 -2023-11-30 11:57:59.742111: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.620165824890137 -2023-11-30 12:04:56.249312: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3197989463806152 -2023-11-30 12:04:56.249312: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4473145008087158 -2023-11-30 12:04:56.249312: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.512860536575317 -2023-11-30 12:04:56.249312: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.515573501586914 -2023-11-30 12:04:56.249312: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.55306601524353 -2023-11-30 12:06:40.230824: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.360907793045044 -2023-11-30 12:06:40.230824: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4692456722259521 -2023-11-30 12:06:40.230824: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.359527826309204 -2023-11-30 12:07:54.150930: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4129514694213867 -2023-11-30 12:07:54.150930: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4075767993927002 -2023-11-30 12:09:08.507689: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.229158401489258 -2023-11-30 12:09:08.507689: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3719022274017334 -2023-11-30 12:09:37.104801: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.262798309326172 -2023-11-30 12:09:37.104801: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5568513870239258 -2023-11-30 12:09:37.104801: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.490716218948364 -2023-11-30 12:09:37.104801: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.337446928024292 -2023-11-30 12:09:37.104801: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.47543478012085 -2023-11-30 12:44:30.871098: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.2842020988464355 -2023-11-30 12:44:30.871098: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.394529104232788 -2023-11-30 12:44:30.871098: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.648490905761719 -2023-11-30 12:46:00.824013: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.356815814971924 -2023-11-30 12:46:00.824013: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3475604057312012 -2023-11-30 12:46:41.899984: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.6856629848480225 -2023-11-30 12:46:41.899984: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5251753330230713 -2023-11-30 12:46:41.899984: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.4798338413238525 -2023-11-30 12:47:32.835081: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.8700196743011475 -2023-11-30 12:47:32.835081: Time taken to preprocess data: 2.8202691078186035 -2023-11-30 12:47:32.835081: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.660186767578125 -2023-11-30 13:01:50.781020: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.3663334846496582 -2023-11-30 13:01:50.781020: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8486604690551758 -2023-11-30 13:04:06.505500: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.3245172500610352 -2023-11-30 13:04:06.505500: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8403224945068359 -2023-11-30 13:04:06.505500: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1482105255126953 -2023-11-30 13:04:36.831169: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4215023517608643 -2023-11-30 13:04:36.831169: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8533196449279785 -2023-11-30 13:04:36.831169: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.056783676147461 -2023-11-30 13:05:18.135799: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4005565643310547 -2023-11-30 13:05:18.135799: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8551139831542969 -2023-11-30 13:05:18.135799: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.9047667980194092 -2023-11-30 13:07:44.393308: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.3573157787322998 -2023-11-30 13:07:44.393308: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8431816101074219 -2023-11-30 13:07:44.393308: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.9092187881469727 -2023-11-30 13:08:32.065691: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.3868606090545654 -2023-11-30 13:08:32.065691: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8383529186248779 -2023-11-30 13:08:32.065691: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1482155323028564 -2023-11-30 13:09:21.962304: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4131147861480713 -2023-11-30 13:09:21.962304: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8698594570159912 -2023-11-30 13:09:21.962304: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.9864027500152588 -2023-11-30 13:10:13.186081: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.3763375282287598 -2023-11-30 13:10:13.186081: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8443071842193604 -2023-11-30 13:10:13.186081: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1285922527313232 -2023-11-30 13:10:44.388476: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.3683226108551025 -2023-11-30 13:10:44.388476: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8450145721435547 -2023-11-30 13:10:44.388476: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.149256944656372 -2023-11-30 13:18:17.447775: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.515747308731079 -2023-11-30 13:18:17.447775: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8657453060150146 -2023-11-30 13:19:27.603509: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4854021072387695 -2023-11-30 13:19:27.603509: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8498518466949463 -2023-11-30 13:22:14.040087: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4635462760925293 -2023-11-30 13:22:14.040087: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.847836971282959 -2023-11-30 13:28:28.832272: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.440664291381836 -2023-11-30 13:28:28.832272: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8590996265411377 -2023-11-30 13:28:57.155175: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.47464919090271 -2023-11-30 13:28:57.155175: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.882056713104248 -2023-11-30 13:29:37.798085: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4217336177825928 -2023-11-30 13:29:37.798085: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8450167179107666 -2023-11-30 13:35:21.262748: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4672443866729736 -2023-11-30 13:35:21.262748: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8406603336334229 -2023-11-30 13:35:21.262748: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8758244514465332 -2023-11-30 13:37:08.554842: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.46907639503479 -2023-11-30 13:37:08.554842: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8575794696807861 -2023-11-30 13:37:08.554842: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8953287601470947 -2023-11-30 13:37:40.530700: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.466160774230957 -2023-11-30 13:37:40.530700: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8404929637908936 -2023-11-30 13:37:40.530700: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1164937019348145 -2023-11-30 13:40:28.789910: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4389913082122803 -2023-11-30 13:40:28.789910: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.038412094116211 -2023-11-30 13:40:51.043177: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4865319728851318 -2023-11-30 13:40:51.043177: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.9708850383758545 -2023-11-30 13:40:51.043177: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.2330741882324219 -2023-11-30 13:42:10.869832: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.5030028820037842 -2023-11-30 13:42:10.869832: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0381951332092285 -2023-11-30 13:42:10.869832: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.085663080215454 -2023-11-30 13:43:53.584322: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4568061828613281 -2023-11-30 13:45:08.979120: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.480170488357544 -2023-11-30 13:45:08.979120: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8515176773071289 -2023-11-30 13:45:08.979120: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1609745025634766 -2023-11-30 13:46:03.607681: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4553959369659424 -2023-11-30 13:46:03.607681: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8418223857879639 -2023-11-30 13:46:22.242474: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4460532665252686 -2023-11-30 13:46:22.242474: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8354039192199707 -2023-11-30 13:46:22.242474: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0634765625 -2023-11-30 13:49:21.128633: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4697299003601074 -2023-11-30 13:49:21.128633: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8479597568511963 -2023-11-30 13:49:21.128633: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.139925241470337 -2023-11-30 13:51:21.445213: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4099290370941162 -2023-11-30 13:51:21.445213: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8530137538909912 -2023-11-30 13:53:24.465690: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.494286298751831 -2023-11-30 13:53:24.465690: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8532426357269287 -2023-11-30 13:53:24.465690: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1518781185150146 -2023-11-30 13:54:34.504032: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4542160034179688 -2023-11-30 13:54:34.504032: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8517224788665771 -2023-11-30 13:54:34.504032: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0021145343780518 -2023-11-30 14:00:38.907552: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4755513668060303 -2023-11-30 14:00:38.907552: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.9484491348266602 -2023-11-30 14:00:38.907552: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.093111276626587 -2023-11-30 14:06:59.619047: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.478729248046875 -2023-11-30 14:06:59.619047: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8439834117889404 -2023-11-30 14:06:59.619047: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.9027590751647949 -2023-11-30 14:16:09.208000: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.486889123916626 -2023-11-30 14:16:09.208000: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8366670608520508 -2023-11-30 14:16:09.208000: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.057704210281372 -2023-12-01 09:05:08.635586: All libraries imported. Time taken... 4.574822425842285 -2023-12-01 09:05:08.635586: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4088554382324219 -2023-12-01 09:05:08.635586: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.369710445404053 -2023-12-01 09:09:06.305434: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4186458587646484 -2023-12-01 09:09:06.305434: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3795437812805176 -2023-12-01 10:03:17.836076: All libraries imported. Time taken... 9.237072229385376 -2023-12-01 10:03:17.836076: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.431995868682861 -2023-12-01 10:03:17.836076: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.441499471664429 -2023-12-01 10:19:45.708185: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.5123465061187744 -2023-12-01 10:19:45.708185: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4981305599212646 -2023-12-01 10:20:59.661209: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.296884536743164 -2023-12-01 10:20:59.661209: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3794796466827393 -2023-12-01 10:21:29.880424: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3314006328582764 -2023-12-01 10:21:29.880424: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4220175743103027 -2023-12-01 10:21:29.880424: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.5429465770721436 -2023-12-01 10:23:35.722539: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.607491970062256 -2023-12-01 10:23:35.722539: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3234045505523682 -2023-12-01 10:24:27.852638: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.42608380317688 -2023-12-01 10:24:27.852638: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4414095878601074 -2023-12-01 10:25:46.448068: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.402812957763672 -2023-12-01 10:25:46.448068: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5057811737060547 -2023-12-01 10:26:28.379722: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.376418113708496 -2023-12-01 10:26:28.379722: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3745973110198975 -2023-12-01 10:26:28.379722: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.464892625808716 -2023-12-01 10:35:20.436596: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.6018497943878174 -2023-12-01 10:35:20.436596: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.750967264175415 -2023-12-01 10:35:20.436596: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.803999423980713 -2023-12-01 10:39:38.400033: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3804664611816406 -2023-12-01 10:39:38.400033: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3696036338806152 -2023-12-01 10:39:38.400033: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.474272012710571 -2023-12-03 07:53:30.313190: All libraries imported. Time taken... 4.056626319885254 -2023-12-03 07:53:30.313190: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.888838291168213 -2023-12-03 07:53:30.313190: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.555999755859375 -2023-12-03 07:55:52.575619: All libraries imported. Time taken... 7.829704284667969 -2023-12-03 07:55:52.575619: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.7349348068237305 -2023-12-03 07:55:52.575619: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.751028299331665 -2023-12-03 07:56:45.765805: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.108299970626831 -2023-12-03 07:56:45.765805: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.6800057888031006 -2023-12-03 07:56:45.765805: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.635128974914551 -2023-12-04 10:49:49.040536: All libraries imported. Time taken... 9.764353513717651 -2023-12-04 10:49:49.040536: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.423658847808838 -2023-12-04 10:49:49.040536: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.575640916824341 -2023-12-05 10:36:32.433623: All libraries imported. Time taken... 10.876144170761108 -2023-12-05 10:36:32.433623: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.280737638473511 -2023-12-05 10:38:12.821692: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.495962619781494 -2023-12-05 10:38:12.821692: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3843157291412354 -2023-12-05 10:38:12.821692: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.549225091934204 -2023-12-05 10:39:05.154780: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3732962608337402 -2023-12-05 10:39:05.154780: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.401261329650879 -2023-12-05 10:39:05.154780: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.580425024032593 -2023-12-05 10:42:12.236300: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3780930042266846 -2023-12-05 10:42:12.236300: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.443734884262085 -2023-12-05 10:42:40.357537: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4947192668914795 -2023-12-05 10:42:40.357537: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5036616325378418 -2023-12-05 10:42:40.357537: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.564574241638184 -2023-12-05 10:44:13.168034: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4884066581726074 -2023-12-05 10:44:13.168034: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.5030677318572998 -2023-12-05 10:44:13.168034: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.609540700912476 -2023-12-05 10:46:09.556361: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3878140449523926 -2023-12-05 10:46:09.556361: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.968836784362793 -2023-12-05 10:46:09.556361: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.462151527404785 -2023-12-05 10:47:51.480094: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.513540267944336 -2023-12-05 10:47:51.480094: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4064342975616455 -2023-12-05 10:47:51.480094: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.606083631515503 -2023-12-05 10:49:27.996162: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4505181312561035 -2023-12-05 10:49:27.996162: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.558488368988037 -2023-12-05 10:49:27.996162: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.554074287414551 -2023-12-05 10:51:05.388489: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.451871395111084 -2023-12-05 10:51:05.388489: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4146661758422852 -2023-12-05 10:51:05.388489: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4755890369415283 -2023-12-05 10:52:51.190746: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.4455173015594482 -2023-12-05 10:52:51.190746: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.4589097499847412 -2023-12-05 10:52:51.190746: Time taken to preprocess data: 4.647110223770142 -2023-12-05 11:30:05.219886: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.1550517082214355 -2023-12-05 11:30:21.027178: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.4681949615478516 -2023-12-05 11:30:21.027178: Time taken to preprocess data: 0.8383018970489502 -2023-12-05 11:30:21.027178: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1251449584960938 -2023-12-06 10:33:43.575353: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.3091161251068115 -2023-12-06 10:33:43.575353: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1340737342834473 -2023-12-06 10:34:41.234678: All libraries imported. Time taken... 3.2492876052856445 -2023-12-06 10:34:41.234678: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.207880973815918 -2023-12-06 10:34:41.234678: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1576309204101562 -2023-12-06 10:37:07.183368: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.7553870677947998 -2023-12-06 10:37:07.183368: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.157705307006836 -2023-12-07 11:59:00.637541: All libraries imported. Time taken... 6.862998723983765 -2023-12-07 11:59:00.637541: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.2443971633911133 -2023-12-07 15:48:39.078367: All libraries imported. Time taken... 10.258060455322266 -2023-12-07 15:48:39.078367: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.6242825984954834 -2023-12-16 06:55:04.035395: All libraries imported. Time taken... 8.127403497695923 -2023-12-16 06:55:04.035395: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1419377326965332 -2023-12-16 06:55:04.035395: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0669834613800049 -2024-01-13 10:49:40.017839: All libraries imported. Time taken... 9.208183288574219 -2024-01-13 10:49:40.017839: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.201667308807373 -2024-01-13 10:49:40.017839: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.074284553527832 -2024-01-13 10:53:33.042263: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.8529267311096191 -2024-01-13 10:53:33.042263: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0897037982940674 -2024-01-13 10:53:33.042263: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1834971904754639 -2024-01-13 11:01:31.949711: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.7101554870605469 -2024-01-13 11:01:31.949711: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.3249578475952148 -2024-02-28 12:59:08.926948: All libraries imported. Time taken... 7.964550018310547 -2024-02-28 13:05:29.423494: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.7098908424377441 -2024-02-28 13:06:10.433633: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.8002283573150635 -2024-02-28 13:06:53.996842: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.8487083911895752 -2024-02-28 13:08:48.810664: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.7443900108337402 -2024-02-28 13:10:09.770612: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.8002264499664307 -2024-02-28 13:11:31.682336: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.7458539009094238 -2024-02-28 13:11:50.262432: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.6749796867370605 -2024-02-28 13:12:17.817311: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.6556575298309326 -2024-02-28 13:13:05.695891: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.828293800354004 -2024-02-28 13:15:24.224265: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.8278710842132568 -2024-02-28 13:15:48.207097: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.969118595123291 -2024-02-28 13:16:15.372939: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.7497999668121338 -2024-02-28 13:17:03.640600: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.9864208698272705 -2024-02-28 13:23:44.056796: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.7203822135925293 -2024-02-28 13:26:03.054215: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.8312156200408936 -2024-02-28 13:28:32.638180: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.8519563674926758 -2024-02-28 13:29:19.173737: All libraries imported. Time taken... 0.9669089317321777 -2024-02-28 13:31:21.525837: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.027634859085083 -2024-02-28 13:31:43.030126: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.0191874504089355 -2024-02-28 13:32:15.189952: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.0318713188171387 -2024-02-28 13:33:20.927622: All libraries imported. Time taken... 0.9643292427062988 -2024-02-28 13:33:47.747568: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.0626912117004395 -2024-02-28 13:35:39.952185: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.2558481693267822 -2024-02-28 13:40:06.906732: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1.0304884910583496 -2024-02-28 14:57:15.178474: All libraries imported. Time taken... 2.0388691425323486 -2024-02-28 14:58:06.694512: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680646748.6026192 -2024-02-28 15:01:47.941815: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680646966.1607275 -2024-02-28 15:09:52.699355: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680647442.8392737 -2024-02-28 15:10:12.230192: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680647462.0483184 -2024-02-28 15:10:23.021095: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680647472.6618361 -2024-02-28 15:10:48.064996: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680647497.2864015 -2024-02-28 15:10:48.732651: Models Init Completed... 1680647497.9204326 -2024-02-28 15:11:32.533634: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680647541.0100012 -2024-02-28 15:11:33.182437: Models Init Completed... 1680647541.6293879 -2024-02-28 15:12:25.882085: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680647593.4692419 -2024-02-28 15:12:26.514940: Models Init Completed... 1680647594.073016 -2024-02-28 15:12:27.642305: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1272733211517334 -2024-02-28 15:17:25.564388: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680647888.1574302 -2024-02-28 15:17:26.295402: Models Init Completed... 1680647888.8571362 -2024-02-28 15:17:27.327747: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0321762561798096 -2024-02-28 15:18:03.513146: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680647925.4732578 -2024-02-28 15:18:04.152899: Models Init Completed... 1680647926.083676 -2024-02-28 15:18:05.187820: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0348265171051025 -2024-02-28 15:18:30.186019: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680647951.7017732 -2024-02-28 15:18:30.835555: Models Init Completed... 1680647952.321621 -2024-02-28 15:18:32.001609: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1659083366394043 -2024-02-28 15:22:11.545617: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680648169.3722222 -2024-02-28 15:22:12.274397: Models Init Completed... 1680648170.0698156 -2024-02-28 15:22:13.323466: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0489139556884766 -2024-02-28 15:22:50.618265: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680648207.793361 -2024-02-28 15:22:51.268833: Models Init Completed... 1680648208.4143436 -2024-02-28 15:22:52.408860: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.139937162399292 -2024-02-28 15:23:14.293691: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680648231.0752132 -2024-02-28 15:23:14.931438: Models Init Completed... 1680648231.6825726 -2024-02-28 15:23:16.051458: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1199309825897217 -2024-02-28 15:23:41.514424: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680648257.842824 -2024-02-28 15:23:42.187992: Models Init Completed... 1680648258.4848506 -2024-02-28 15:23:43.277395: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.089249849319458 -2024-02-28 15:31:07.542641: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680648696.4371254 -2024-02-28 15:31:08.234880: Models Init Completed... 1680648697.0976233 -2024-02-28 15:31:09.290159: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0551884174346924 -2024-02-28 15:31:35.704502: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680648724.1283166 -2024-02-28 15:31:36.355197: Models Init Completed... 1680648724.7492678 -2024-02-28 15:31:37.420023: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0646765232086182 -2024-02-28 15:32:32.481747: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.00014925003051757812 -2024-02-28 15:32:46.015859: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.00010251998901367188 -2024-02-28 15:33:06.853239: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.00010061264038085938 -2024-02-28 15:33:10.437264: Time taken to find self.intent: 8.225440979003906e-05 -2024-02-28 15:34:30.995235: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680648896.4974358 -2024-02-28 15:34:31.734475: Models Init Completed... 1680648897.2056642 -2024-02-28 15:34:32.776304: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.041684627532959 -2024-02-28 15:35:03.670454: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.00015592575073242188 -2024-02-28 15:35:11.368194: Time taken to find self.intent: 9.965896606445312e-05 -2024-02-28 15:35:15.080535: Time taken to find self.intent: 9.72747802734375e-05 -2024-02-28 15:35:24.676536: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.00010991096496582031 -2024-02-28 15:35:39.549802: Time taken to find self.intent: 8.034706115722656e-05 -2024-02-28 15:35:49.281303: Time taken to find self.intent: 9.5367431640625e-05 -2024-02-28 15:35:54.373960: Time taken to find self.intent: 9.655952453613281e-05 -2024-02-28 15:36:09.264877: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.00010228157043457031 -2024-02-28 15:38:26.413023: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.00010180473327636719 -2024-02-28 15:38:42.545737: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680649143.8546221 -2024-02-28 15:38:43.234668: Models Init Completed... 1680649144.5141869 -2024-02-28 15:38:44.333750: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0989177227020264 -2024-02-28 15:38:58.830996: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.00013709068298339844 -2024-02-28 15:39:08.906862: Time taken to find self.intent: 9.918212890625e-05 -2024-02-28 15:39:13.044790: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.00010132789611816406 -2024-02-28 15:39:23.684894: Time taken to find self.intent: 7.653236389160156e-05 -2024-02-28 15:40:34.329676: Time taken to find self.intent: 9.894371032714844e-05 -2024-02-28 15:40:38.913082: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.000118255615234375 -2024-02-28 15:42:18.270675: Time taken to find self.intent: 8.034706115722656e-05 -2024-02-28 15:42:24.228779: Time taken to find self.intent: 8.320808410644531e-05 -2024-02-28 15:42:48.138558: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680649385.3546433 -2024-02-28 15:42:48.837429: Models Init Completed... 1680649386.0235715 -2024-02-28 15:42:49.947212: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1096291542053223 -2024-02-28 15:44:39.334309: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.00014829635620117188 -2024-02-28 15:44:50.711103: Time taken to find self.intent: 9.1552734375e-05 -2024-02-28 15:46:28.638889: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.00010585784912109375 -2024-02-28 15:46:48.900315: Time taken to find self.intent: 7.748603820800781e-05 -2024-02-28 15:49:21.013414: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.00010180473327636719 -2024-02-28 15:49:36.641828: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680649787.050425 -2024-02-28 15:49:38.411265: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0472981929779053 -2024-02-28 15:49:45.810148: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.000148773193359375 -2024-02-28 15:51:17.539260: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680649886.2653625 -2024-02-28 15:51:19.592808: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.2712016105651855 -2024-02-28 15:51:31.245243: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.0001475811004638672 -2024-02-28 15:52:34.889596: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.00010752677917480469 -2024-02-28 15:52:40.232273: Time taken to find self.intent: 9.393692016601562e-05 -2024-02-28 15:52:45.466693: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.00010228157043457031 -2024-02-28 15:55:12.683104: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680650117.4936886 -2024-02-28 15:55:14.678690: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.029792070388794 -2024-02-28 15:56:57.753031: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.00012540817260742188 -2024-02-28 15:58:03.895533: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680650285.849074 -2024-02-28 15:58:05.635965: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0708658695220947 -2024-02-28 15:58:14.584904: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.00015616416931152344 -2024-02-28 15:58:23.719009: Time taken to find self.intent: 8.153915405273438e-05 -2024-02-28 15:58:30.828976: Time taken to find self.intent: 7.963180541992188e-05 -2024-02-28 15:59:36.829092: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680650377.2337568 -2024-02-28 15:59:38.633821: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1484856605529785 -2024-02-28 15:59:47.711303: Time taken to find self.intent: 7.414817810058594e-05 -2024-02-28 16:01:41.963156: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680650500.2823756 -2024-02-28 16:01:43.946531: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.158684253692627 -2024-02-28 16:01:48.834852: Time taken to find self.intent: 6.556510925292969e-05 -2024-02-28 16:03:01.961038: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680650578.947631 -2024-02-28 16:03:03.708927: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0960538387298584 -2024-02-28 16:03:09.229280: Time taken to find self.intent: 8.034706115722656e-05 -2024-02-28 16:03:36.965272: Time taken to find self.intent: 4.1961669921875e-05 -2024-02-28 16:03:44.219057: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680650620.5011103 -2024-02-28 16:03:45.911677: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0613877773284912 -2024-02-28 16:03:50.324929: Time taken to find self.intent: 6.198883056640625e-05 -2024-02-28 16:04:33.970807: Time taken to find self.intent: 3.7670135498046875e-05 -2024-02-28 16:04:39.393092: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680650674.754493 -2024-02-28 16:04:41.150275: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0264050960540771 -2024-02-28 16:04:47.515796: Time taken to find self.intent: 6.29425048828125e-05 -2024-02-28 16:17:03.914463: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680651406.8679788 -2024-02-28 16:17:05.692482: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.060727834701538 -2024-02-28 16:17:10.778341: Time taken to find self.intent: 6.461143493652344e-05 -2024-02-28 16:18:30.063557: Time taken to find self.intent: 3.886222839355469e-05 -2024-02-28 16:18:35.366241: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680651496.794954 -2024-02-28 16:18:37.067844: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0226781368255615 -2024-02-28 16:18:58.690616: Time taken to find self.intent: 6.29425048828125e-05 -2024-02-28 16:19:49.601762: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680651569.7967448 -2024-02-28 16:19:51.261937: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.027970790863037 -2024-02-28 16:19:56.692412: Time taken to find self.intent: 6.413459777832031e-05 -2024-02-28 16:21:25.714379: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680651664.303532 -2024-02-28 16:21:27.428443: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0757436752319336 -2024-02-28 16:21:35.309725: Time taken to find self.intent: 7.081031799316406e-05 -2024-02-28 16:22:43.818501: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680651741.109342 -2024-02-28 16:22:45.525111: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.02008056640625 -2024-02-28 16:22:49.525209: Time taken to find self.intent: 7.343292236328125e-05 -2024-02-28 16:27:12.518377: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680652005.3295436 -2024-02-28 16:27:14.242562: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0624923706054688 -2024-02-28 16:27:17.542911: Time taken to find self.intent: 0.0001087188720703125 -2024-02-28 16:28:12.781350: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680652064.5896072 -2024-02-28 16:28:14.794392: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0804109573364258 -2024-02-28 16:28:19.474978: Time taken to find self.intent: 7.224082946777344e-05 -2024-02-28 16:29:11.084467: Time taken to find self.intent: 3.933906555175781e-05 -2024-02-28 16:29:17.164022: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680652127.896461 -2024-02-28 16:29:19.201591: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.1283762454986572 -2024-02-28 16:34:11.637081: Time taken to find self.intent: 6.985664367675781e-05 -2024-02-28 16:35:05.342461: Time taken to find self.intent: 5.5789947509765625e-05 -2024-02-28 16:35:17.164218: Time taken to find self.intent: 4.291534423828125e-05 -2024-02-28 16:43:59.945321: Time taken to find self.intent: 3.981590270996094e-05 -2024-02-28 16:44:14.627221: Time taken to find self.intent: 6.151199340820312e-05 -2024-02-28 16:45:20.452824: Time taken to find self.intent: 4.982948303222656e-05 -2024-02-28 16:46:09.932586: Time taken to find self.intent: 3.838539123535156e-05 -2024-02-28 16:46:21.522917: Time taken to find self.intent: 3.886222839355469e-05 -2024-02-28 16:47:11.988886: Time taken to find self.intent: 5.7220458984375e-05 -2024-02-28 16:47:28.003009: Time taken to find self.intent: 4.363059997558594e-05 -2024-02-28 16:49:22.444901: Time taken to find self.intent: 4.267692565917969e-05 -2024-02-28 16:49:29.583234: Time taken to find self.intent: 4.267692565917969e-05 -2024-02-28 16:49:47.118643: Time taken to find self.intent: 4.0531158447265625e-05 -2024-02-28 16:49:52.578828: Time taken to find self.intent: 4.3392181396484375e-05 -2024-02-28 16:50:14.112024: Time taken to find self.intent: 3.933906555175781e-05 -2024-02-28 16:50:45.138141: Time taken to find self.intent: 4.00543212890625e-05 -2024-02-28 16:51:04.328190: Time taken to find self.intent: 4.00543212890625e-05 -2024-02-28 16:51:13.086297: Time taken to find self.intent: 3.910064697265625e-05 -2024-02-28 16:53:14.672527: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680653541.4479752 -2024-02-28 16:53:16.443859: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0915415287017822 -2024-02-28 17:03:42.365064: All libraries imported. Time taken... 1680654158.677953 -2024-02-28 17:03:44.319071: Time taken to preprocess data: 1.0634729862213135 -2024-02-28 17:04:09.558165: Time taken to find self.intent: 6.103515625e-05 diff --git a/data/new user.txt b/data/new user.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 02e4a84..0000000 --- a/data/new user.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1 +0,0 @@ -false \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/quiz difficulty.txt b/data/quiz difficulty.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 709003c..0000000 --- a/data/quiz difficulty.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1 +0,0 @@ -easy \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/tempFile.txt b/data/tempFile.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 96c30e2..0000000 --- a/data/tempFile.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1 +0,0 @@ -Vegetarian Chilli \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/user data.csv b/data/user data.csv deleted file mode 100644 index 9e0dc1b..0000000 --- a/data/user data.csv +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2 +0,0 @@ -index,first name,middle name,surname,dob,nickname,age,gender,interests/hobbies,fix bordem,F-song,F-music genre,F-food,F-book,F-film,disliked food,disabilities,amount of pets,name of pets,type of pets,education,work,visited places,living location,news interest,news hate,city,country,location key,band news site -0,Jamie,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,", regional",London,United Kingdom,328328, diff --git a/data/user passcode.txt b/data/user passcode.txt deleted file mode 100644 index e69de29..0000000 diff --git a/data/userRemember.csv b/data/userRemember.csv deleted file mode 100644 index b479314..0000000 --- a/data/userRemember.csv +++ /dev/null @@ -1 +0,0 @@ -,Unnamed: 0.10,Unnamed: 0.9,Unnamed: 0.8,Unnamed: 0.7,Unnamed: 0.6,Unnamed: 0.5,Unnamed: 0.4,Unnamed: 0.3,Unnamed: 0.2,Unnamed: 0.1,Unnamed: 0,remember,when,output diff --git a/data/verison.txt b/data/verison.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 359a5b9..0000000 --- a/data/verison.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1 +0,0 @@ -2.0.0 \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/wiki links.txt b/data/wiki links.txt deleted file mode 100644 index a2c025c..0000000 --- a/data/wiki links.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1 +0,0 @@ -how to train a dog \ No newline at end of file