"How much help can you give me?"
Could you be more specific? It depends on how many points and tokens you have.
"For starters you could tell me what that means. But I won't remember it the first thirty times, my short term memory is rubbish. What I need is constant reminding, which will annoy me, and books. I want a primer, a getting-started, a historical perspective on strategies and tactics and how effective they were. And something with profitability analyses of approaches, or better yet the Janet and John version with a top ten."
That's... not the usual starting point. I have 38927 matching works. 927 are translatable. You can't have the historical perspectives or the profitability analyses because they're all in a Class VII catalogue. There's a book on game theory applications that was written here on Earth by the Chessmaster but it's rather abstract. And there's a Janet and John with a top Sixty but it's ... marked as not for sale. There's no getting-started because that's part of my purpose.
"Quelle surprise! So we'll be playing guessing games. I'll formulate a bunch of strategies and you'll critique their likely effectiveness, profitability and dependencies, and then we can plan a shortest path with contingencies.
You're not really a risk-taker, are you.
"I thought you knew all about me."
Quite. Has it crossed your mind that this much planning makes you very predictable?
"How long do most plans survive contact with the enemy?"
Minutes. So you don't really want a plan, you want a general strategy and a bunch of tactics for scenarios. Then when the shit hits the fan you'll throw it all out the window and wing it just like every other Vanguard.
"Something like that. But things will quiet down again and then we go back to the master plan."
I know you won't like "Chief" or "Spartan" so how about -"
"It's fun inside my head but if you try to Halo theme me... Look, it's already a brand, it belongs to a company. I may have an inner child but twelve was some time ago. I would like people to, I think, um, don't you think from time to time we'll need people to take me seriously? If I let you have your way I'll end up with a stupid name like 'Gameboy'."
...so how about "Tacticus"? From those Pratchett books you love so much that you carted a complete collection of paperbacks - some of them first editions, I note - all the way out here.
"Maybe." Silence reigned, bar the creaking of suspension, as the car lurched down four hundred metres of winding and heavily eroded driveway to the track along the creek. The creek, unsurprisingly, runs along the bottom of the valley. Probably it made the valley, in geological ages past.
"Still a bit pretentious. And if I do happen to end up Halo themed by circumstances that totally had nothing to do with you, I will buy a Halo themed drone and make you introduce yourself as 343 Guilty Spark. And do the voice. And the 'hmm-ha-hmmmm, I am a genius.' thing." After a few minutes of silence I turned up our own road and spoke again. "I can hear you grinning. Stop it. That was a threat, not an offer. I'd like to point out that if you're Guilty Spark you'll never get to say 'Thanks for the tank, sergeant. He never gets me anything.'"
...So we're going with a Halo theme then?
"No."
Noble Six?
"I- Begone, foul temptress! I suppose you think you're going to be Noble Actual?" We were almost home. The valley road was in much better condition and it wasn't far.
Well...
"Careful, you might end up as 'Siri'. Anyway, I've decided. I'm going to call you Autumn. As for branding, when there's enough points you're going to get me a new lumberjacket, a nice armoured one. Red-check, same as this. Waterproof. And leech repellent, fuck I hate leeches." I'd been out of the car for six paces and already I'd stopped one climbing my leg.
"I'm back! I see we need a new screen on the door. Autumn, can I afford anything that will get that stuff out of the carpet?" A very domestic looking spray bottle appeared on the galley bench.
69 points remain. It's not a lot, and there's no doubt more of them munching on your forest. Shall we go hunting? I'd suggest a recon drone but we lack the budget.
"Put the kettle on, darl? I'll be back shortly, I'm just going to pull some weeds." There was no answer, which was a mild worry. I trotted down to the food garden and sure enough there she was defending it. Because in twenty hectares of forest, of course the first thing they wanted to eat was the herbs and greens. "Another one of these Hummingbirds, please." Autumn obliged. A couple of potshots and Her Majesty was no longer frantically swinging my old cricket bat. "Here, use this instead."
"How do I reload it? There's no sight."
"Tap the side to turn on the laser dot. You don't load it, it's cheap because it's disposable. I'll give you something better when I have the budget. "
"Good. You can start by going up to the high creek and stop them eating my citrus."
On the way I saw a cane toad and a murderpigeon trying to eat each other at the same time. More leeches tried their luck but I repelled boarders. I wistfully imagined a bounty for killing them. Autumn snickered in my head. It's alright for her, they can't get to her. So gross.
The aforementioned citrus trees were quite well defended by chickenwire enclosures around star pickets, designed to keep wallabies and rabbits out. Steel wire has enormous tensile strength. Chickenwire is too thin and flexible to chew through it and claws just stretch it elastically. Four trees, partly gnawed, and five entangled and very frustrated... I didn't know what they were. Weeds. Phut phut phut phut phut, five ex weeds. The Hummingbird was a marvellous toy.
Stop looking so smug, it won't always be this easy.
A horrendous squealing and a racket through the undergrowth heralded the arrival of an angry sow pursuing a number five fleeing with a dead piglet. Straight up a tree I went before she decided I was involved. Sows are terrifying. Half a tonne of angry motherhood, now with extra tusk. Those and brown snakes are the only things in the bush scarier than me.
"How are we for points now?"
107, 112... When the piggie leaves we'd better give your partner two more Hummingbirds. And warn her to conserve ammunition. Or bring her with us.
On the way back down to the caravan we looked at options. "What if we put a chickenwire shroud, a double shroud, around under the caravan? The fancy kind with plastic over the gal so it's harder for them to dissolve. That should keep them out from underneath it. And a new door. Or new screen."
Sure, why not. There's only three kinds of antithesis.
There were a lot more kinds of antithesis. Many of them much larger and scarier. "TRIX!" I bellowed, "YOU'RE COMING WITH ME! COME ON. WE'RE GOING."
"No, my plants will get eaten."
"Yes. And I don't want you to join them so you're staying with me where I can reload you. It's that or the fire shelter. Autumn, can I secure that on the current budget? It's a 5mm steel box with grilled vents in a metre of concrete. Can we give her a fridge full of food and drink with something to power it for at least two days in a confined space?"
For 90 points you can have a stocked minibar with integrated arc reactor, operational lifespan approximately 200 solar years. For 5 points I can put a hardened cage around the whole thing and 1 more point for a battery grinder with a cutting wheel so she can get out again. For 120 points I can replace the whole thing with a stocked purpose built shelter and a door that can be closed again after it's opened.
"Leave the old shelter there and put the new one down the slope a bit. Don't bury it, I can do that later. Woman, are you coming or staying in the shelter?"
"Since you obviously don't care about the gardens-"
"Fine, when you run out of shots hide in here." I waved in the direction I wanted it and Autumn did her thing. I expected the dull shine of galvanised steel, but it looked like a cross between a fancy garden shed and what city people think a cottage looks like, oiled cedar and brass hinges. "What is that?"
A shelter suitable for a lady, you unwashed lumberjacket wearer. You have 17 points remaining.
"Thank you, Autumn. At least one of you thinks about others."
I spun. "You can hear her!?" It dawned on me that Autumn's voice was coming out of the caravan sound system. "Have you two been talking?"
"Of course we have. Both of us knew you wouldn't share important information."
Walking a downslope I stared at the new shelter. "Fuck me, no wonder it was expensive. Right, stay here and don't die." I turned and stumped off. "Autumn, did you really just say 'arc reactor'? Have you been in my movie collection?"
Yes, it's not visible from the internetwork, I only found it after I broke the encryption on your wifi. I must say, the depth of your disdain for copyright is breathtaking.