diff --git a/fortunes/miscellaneous b/fortunes/miscellaneous index 41b7aa9..e78bfda 100644 --- a/fortunes/miscellaneous +++ b/fortunes/miscellaneous @@ -482,3 +482,203 @@ I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon. -- Willow % +I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. +% +I have become me without my consent. +% +I have more hit points than you can possibly imagine. +% +I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. +% +I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. +% +I hear the sound that the machines make, and feel my heart break, just +for a moment. +% +I hear what you're saying but I just don't care. +% +I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. +% +I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, +but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant. +% +I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere. +% +I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes. +% +I love treason but hate a traitor. + -- Gaius Julius Caesar +% +I never did it that way before. +% +"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" + -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) +% + [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path, +including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams, +as I am absolutely terrified of yams... + Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many +of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands +and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow. +My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence, +when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers +into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields, +pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving +into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may +explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every +time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally +deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists. +% +I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! +% +I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. +% +I saw what you did and I know who you are. +% +I smell a wumpus. +% +I thought YOU silenced the guard! +% +I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. + -- Carole Wallach. +% +I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. +% +I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. +% +I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. +% +I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located? +% +I will always love the false image I had of you. +% +I will make you shorter by the head. + -- Elizabeth I +% +I will never lie to you. +% +I will not forget you. +% +I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!! +% +I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. + -- John Denver + +[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.] +% +I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. +% +I'm glad I was not born before tea. + -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845) +% +I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. + -- John Foreman +% +I'm not offering myself as an example; every life evolves by its own laws. +% +I'm not proud. +% +I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert! +% +I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life. +% +I'm so broke I can't even pay attention. +% +I've Been Moved! +% +I've been there. +% +I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. +% +Identify your visitor. +% +"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far." + -- Paul White +% +If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. +% +If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. +% +If God is dead, who will save the Queen? +% +If God is One, what is bad? + -- Charles Manson +% +If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! + -- Samuel Goldwyn +% +If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. +% +If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. +% +If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler. +% +If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. +% +If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. +% +If life is merely a joke, the question still remains: for whose amusement? +% +If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else? +% +If rabbits' feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? +% +If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? + -- Robert Moses +% +If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something +to do with a shortage of flowers. + -- Doug Larson + + [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.] +% +If the future isn't what it used to be, does that mean that the past +is subject to change in times to come? +% +If the grass is greener on other side of fence, consider what may be +fertilizing it. +% +If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, then this sentence +would not be false. +% +If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances +are 50-50 it will. +% +If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? + -- Art Hoppe +% +If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? +% +If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an +oncoming train. + -- Robert Lowell +% +If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. +% +If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. +% +If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. + -- John Galsworthy +% +If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. +% +If you knew what to say next, would you say it? +% +If you know the answer to a question, don't ask. + -- Petersen Nesbit +% +If you stick your head in the sand, one thing is for sure, you're gonna +get your rear kicked. +% +If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? +% +Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. + -- Jules de Gaultier +% +Imagine what we can imagine! + -- Arthur Rubinstein +% +Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant. +% +Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan. +% diff --git a/oldtunes/miscellaneous b/oldtunes/miscellaneous index 7aba3ee..d7a7048 100644 --- a/oldtunes/miscellaneous +++ b/oldtunes/miscellaneous @@ -1,89 +1,3 @@ -I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. -% -I have become me without my consent. -% -I have more hit points than you can possibly imagine. -% -I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. -% -I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. -% -I hear the sound that the machines make, and feel my heart break, just -for a moment. -% -I hear what you're saying but I just don't care. -% -I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. -% -I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, -but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant. -% -I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere. -% -I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes. -% -I love treason but hate a traitor. - -- Gaius Julius Caesar -% -I never did it that way before. -% -"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" - -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) -% - [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path, -including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams, -as I am absolutely terrified of yams... - Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many -of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands -and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow. -My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence, -when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers -into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields, -pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving -into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may -explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every -time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally -deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists. -% -I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! -% -I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. -% -I saw what you did and I know who you are. -% -I smell a wumpus. -% -I thought YOU silenced the guard! -% -I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. - -- Carole Wallach. -% -I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. -% -I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. -% -I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. -% -I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located? -% -I will always love the false image I had of you. -% -I will make you shorter by the head. - -- Elizabeth I -% -I will never lie to you. -% -I will not forget you. -% -I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!! -% -I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. - -- John Denver - -[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.] -% -I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. -% "I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. @@ -101,134 +15,23 @@ I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely. -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex" % -I'm glad I was not born before tea. - -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845) -% -I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. - -- John Foreman -% + I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you. % -I'm not offering myself as an example; every life evolves by its own laws. -% I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally. % -I'm not proud. -% -I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert! -% -I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life. -% -I'm so broke I can't even pay attention. -% -I've Been Moved! -% -I've been there. -% -I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. -% -Identify your visitor. -% Idleness is the holiday of fools. % -"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far." - -- Paul White -% + If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? % -If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. -% -If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. -% -If God is dead, who will save the Queen? -% -If God is One, what is bad? - -- Charles Manson -% -If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! - -- Samuel Goldwyn -% -If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. -% If I love you, what business is it of yours? -- Johann van Goethe % If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh. -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls % -If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. -% -If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler. -% -If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. -% -If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. -% -If life is merely a joke, the question still remains: for whose amusement? -% -If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else? -% -If rabbits' feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? -% -If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? - -- Robert Moses -% -If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something -to do with a shortage of flowers. - -- Doug Larson - [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.] -% -If the future isn't what it used to be, does that mean that the past -is subject to change in times to come? -% -If the grass is greener on other side of fence, consider what may be -fertilizing it. -% -If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, then this sentence -would not be false. -% -If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances -are 50-50 it will. -% -If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? - -- Art Hoppe -% -If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? -% -If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an -oncoming train. - -- Robert Lowell -% -If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. -% -If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. -% -If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. - -- John Galsworthy -% -If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. -% -If you knew what to say next, would you say it? -% -If you know the answer to a question, don't ask. - -- Petersen Nesbit -% -If you stick your head in the sand, one thing is for sure, you're gonna -get your rear kicked. -% -If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? -% -Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. - -- Jules de Gaultier -% -Imagine what we can imagine! - -- Arthur Rubinstein -% -Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant. -% -Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan. -% In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" -- The Kidner Report %