fraisercrane.yml

categories:
- Fraiser
conversations:
- - <i>v.o<i> Look, it's about my mother. She's getting on now and she doesn't have much of a life. And she doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere and she literally hangs around the house all day. I mean, it's very frustrating...
  - I'm sorry Doug, can we just go back a second? You said your mother literally hangs around the house. Well, I suppose it's a pet peeve of mine but I suppose what you mean is that she figuratively "hangs around" the house. To literally hang around the house you'd have to be a bat or spider monkey. Now, back to your problem? 
- - Do you mind if we stop while I tell you my pet peeve?
  - Not at all. 
- - <i>angry<i> I hate it when intellectual pinheads with superiority complexes nit-pick your grammar when they come to you for help. That's what I got a problem with! <i>hangs up<i>
  - <i>happily</i> I think what he means is, that is a thing with which he has a problem. Now it's time for a station break and we'll be right back after a word from our friends at <i>reads</i> "Pizza, Pizza, Pizza." <i>He puts on the commercial. Roz enters.</i> 
- - Hey, do you want to know my pet peeve? It's when you're in a department store and the clerk is right in the middle of helping you and the phone rings. So he starts taking care of them. And you're left standing there going, "Excuse me, but all I did was come all the way down here in person, whilst some joker is sitting at home in his underwear getting first rate service!" Don't you hate that?
  - Actually, I do most of my shopping by phone. You know Roz, this conversation with Doug has got me thinking about my father. He doesn't do much of anything either. He just sits around most of the time watching TV and doing the occasional crossword puzzle. What does your mother do? 
- - She's the attorney general of Wisconsin.
  - <i>not believing</i> No, really! 
- - Really!
  - I guess that helps fill her day. 
- - Yeah, quote mom, "Crime never stops - even in the dairy state!"
  - <i>laughs</i> I don't think public office is for Dad, but maybe I could find him a hobby or something. Any suggestions? 
- - Well, in her spare time my mom likes to water ski a little. She hikes, oil paints... oh, she likes archaeology. She's on a dig in Honduras right now.
  - <i>making up for it</i> Well, maybe I could get him a wood burning set.<i>FADE OUT</i>
- - Yes, he's napping with the dog. Eddie's little legs are going like mad. I think he's dreaming about chasing rabbits. <i>thinks<i> I can't explain your father's twitching!
  - <i>focusing telescope</i> I think I'm just about done with this thing. 
- - I think your dad's going to love it. 
  - Me, too. I was walking through the hobby shop and saw this thing and it was like, "Eureka!" I actually said "Eureka!" <i>looking through scope</i> Ah, yes. There are a million stories in the naked city. <i>hopeful</i> Now if we could just find a naked one. 
- - <i>mock anger<i> Dr. Crane, you naughty boy. Peeking in on other people's privacy.
  - Daphne, really. I mean, if people were so concerned about their precious privacy they wouldn't leave their blinds open at that certain angle where you can see the mirror over the mantle that reflects down the hall to the water bed in the back room! 
- - Hi, guys.
  - Dad. 
- - <i>to Eddie<i> Hey, where did you just come from?
  - Dad, I got a surprise for you. <i>Daphne and Martin step away revealing the scope.</i> 
- - Hey, it's a beaut. What's the occasion?
  - Oh, no occasion, just thought you'd like it. 
- - Wow, that's great, thanks. You know, I saw in the news there's a bunch of falcons nesting in the eaves of the Columbia Tower. Maybe I can watch them from here.
  - Dad, Dad, forget the falcons. You can see everything that's going on in that apartment building over there. 
- - <i>objecting<i> Hey, I've locked people up for that kind of behavior.
  - Oh come on, it's perfectly innocent - just think of it as a hundred more channels to watch. 
- - <i>looking<i> No, that's tomato juice - you can see the can on the counter. You're right about that woman at the computer though, she's a looker.
  - Ah, you see, there's a voyeur in all of us. 
- - <i>laughs<i> Well, there's a lady over there with a telescope. She's looking right back at us.
  - <i>nervous</i> What shall we do? 
- - <i>waves and shouts<i> Hi, how you doing?
  - What are you doing? 
- - <i>worried<i> Hide!<i>Frasier goes for cover behind the fireplace as Daphne ducks behind the centre pole.<i>
  - I knew it, I knew it, every time we do something bad we get caught! 
- - She's waving at us, I'm waving back.
  - Don't do that! 
- - Why not? Hey wait, she's writing something down. She's holding it up. It says, "Hello there, stranger." <i>laughs<i> Hey Daphne, get me that pad and pen.
  - What for? 
- - So I can answer her. Write down "My name is Martin." 
  - Dad, Dad you shouldn't encourage this person. I don't really want people looking in on our lives. I don't think I've even made my bed today. 
- - Her name's Irene.
  - <i>sarcastic</i> Thank you. 
- - Oh right, he's the one with the wife that won't let him visit. I can't stand her.
  - <i>enters from room in gown</i> Morning Dad, Daphne. <i>waves to window</i> Morning, Irene. 
- - Hey Frasier, when you were a kid, what was the name of that skin condition you had on your butt?
  - Pityriasis Rosea. 
- - How do you spell that?
  - <i>curious</i> Why? 
- - Irene and I are exchanging family histories. 
  - I really don't think your girlfriend needs to know about that. 
- - <i>objecting<i> She's not my girlfriend!
  - Oh, come on. You two have been exchanging notes now for the past three days. If you were in the sixth grade you would be sitting in a tree "K-I-S-S-I-N-G." Here Daphne, let me borrow that pen. <i>he does</i> 
- - What are you doing?
  - I'm going to help along your little romance and possibly save a small forest. I'm giving her our telephone number. 
- - Well, she'll think I'm being too forward.
  - For God's sake, Dad, you met peeping into her apartment. 
- - <i>in terror<i> No, no, no, no, no, don't do that!
  - Why? 
- - <i>sure<i> She's not going to call.
  - You want to bet? 
- - Yeah, five bucks.
  - <i>holds card up</i> Okay.<i>There is less than a second of silence before the phone begins to ring and Frasier smirks at his father smugly.</i>
- - You get it.
  - Dad, it's for you!<i>Martin, however, will not answer so Frasier does the honors.</i>
- - <i>whispers<i> Tell her I'm not home.
  - Dad, she knows you're home - she's looking at you through the telescope. 
- - I'm getting a very good feeling about this.
  - Really? You really think he's interested in her? 
- - Do you want to hear something cute, Dr. Crane? I made him this rich gooey coffee cake this morning, because you know what a sweet tooth he has. And he wouldn't take one bite because - as he put it - Women don't like a spare tire on a man."
  - <i>laughs</i> That's so cute. Oh, it's funny, you know - the twists and turns of fate. If I had tried to set Dad up with a woman he would have rejected the idea out of hand - but I go out get him this telescope for a hobby and it kindles this romance. It's Kismet!<i>As Daphne begins cutting the cake, Martin enters the kitchen and begins looking in the fridge without saying a word. Frasier and Daphne just stare at him until</i>
- - She said a lot of stuff.
  - <i>certain</i> So it would be safe to assume that you two will be seeing each other? 
- - Ah, she wanted to, but I said no.
  - <i>confused</i> No? Why? 
- - You know Brewster Cale? The pompous twit who is the president of our wine club? <i>Frasier nods.<i> Well, at our meeting the other night I convinced some of my fellow psychiatrists to play a little prank on him. When he thought he was tasting the Chateau Petrus, he was in fact sipping a Forcas Dupres. You see, we'd switched the labels. <i>laughs at the farce<i>
  - <i>sarcastic</i> What scamps you are! 
- - There he was, proclaiming the Petrus to be the superior wine and of course none of us could contain our laughter.
  - His face must have turned redder than a "Piechon&eacute; Logeavie." 
- - Well of course, as so often happens, rough house turns to tears. At the end of the evening, Brewster tended his resignation.
  - That must have put a damper on the evening. 
- - Well, not really. I'm the new president.
  - Kudos indeed. 
- - Oh, oh, oh, is our dad and his lady friend still playing telescope footsy? What was her name?
  - Irene. No, they've broken it off. 
- - Already? I thought it was going so well.
  - Well it was, but then they spoke once and Dad said that she wasn't his type. <i>objecting</i> So, it's over - done! He's completely cut her out of his life. I just don't understand what would make him do that. 
- - Oh, who knows why anybody does anything?
  - Remind me again what you do for a living? You see the thing is, it was just one phone call. How can anyone make a sound judgment about another person on the basis of one phone call? 
- - Remind me again what it is YOU do for a living?
  - Well anyway, I suppose it could be any number of reasons. Fear of rejection, shyness... 
- - <i>obviously leading up to something<i> Or maybe Dad was telling the truth and he just wasn't her type. If only we knew someone who was... I know! Maris's lovely Aunt Patrice is in town visiting from Washington, D.C. Oh, oh, oh, maybe we should set Dad up with her.
  - <i>objecting</i> No, Niles, I've met Aunt Patrice. The woman is a loon. 
- - Frasier, do this for me. Every time Aunt Patrice comes to visit, Maris makes all these plans, before she dives under the duvet with a two-week migraine and I'm left holding the bag&mdash; literally and figuratively.
  - Oh, I don't think so, Niles. I know Dad, don't meddle. 
- - Alright, the least you could do is say hello to Aunt Patrice.
  - I'm not driving out to your house. 
- - You don't have to. She's sitting out in the car.
  - You left her in the car?! 
- - How's Freddie?
  - Oh, Frederick is fine. Oh, he sends his love. He said to thank you for the toy gun you gave him. At least what he can remember of it before Lilith smashed it to bits with a croquet mallet. 
- - <i>enters and looks through telescope<i> Oh it's such a beautiful night. The city is lit up like a jewel. Oh look, there's Irene. She's sitting in her window wearing a stunning green dress. But her face, it's so sad. 
  - <i>looks</i> Oh, oh, she's holding a note. It says, "Martin, was it something I wrote?" 
- - Will you cut it out? Irene is not sitting in her window.
  - Oh alright Dad, no she isn't, but she might as well be, for god's sakes. That's gotta be what she's thinking! 
- - Haven't you ever met a woman and then decide she's not the one? <i>doorbell sounds<i>
  - Yes, five years after I married her. <i>Frasier opens the door to Niles and Maris's Aunt Patrice.</i> 
- - Hello there, Frasier.
  - Niles - I was specifically not expecting you. 
- - Frasier, you remember Aunt Patrice.
  - <i>greets her</i> Well, of course. Aunt Patrice, yes. I don't recall really when we met but I believe there was a lot of laughing and dancing.
- - My husband's funeral.
  - Yes... well, of course, the laughter was to hide our tears. Let me take your wrap. <i>he does</i>
- - A capital idea, and why don't Frasier and I join you? That'll give these kids some time to get to know one another.<i>Reset to KitchenNiles, Frasier and Daphne enter the kitchen. Daphne knocks up some refreshments as Frasier gives Niles a stern lecture.<i>
  - Niles, I distinctly told you not to bring her here. 
- - I ran out of ways to entertain her. We went to the arboretum, a fashion show, a matin&eacute;e of "La Cage Aux Folles" and we even spat off the top of the Space Needle. I'm sorry, I cracked!
  - Niles, that woman is certainly not Dad's type. 
- - Neither do I, we are alike in so many ways!
  - Oh come on, Niles. We can't leave Dad out there alone with her any longer.<i>Reset to Living RoomThey re-enter the living room.</i> 
- - Oh, b'ge ag sp'gort, Gniles.
  - What did she say? 
- - B'ge, agus, gesport, geda!
  - Dad, do you still have your gun loaded? 
- - <i>enters from kitchen<i> I found some pizza rolls in the back of the freezer, but the expiration date was yesterday - are we game?
  - Er, that won't be necessary, Daphne. We don't want to spoil our appetites for that dinner we're about to leave for in twenty minutes. 
- - That's who I'm talking about.<i>She leaves to the kitchen.<i>
  - You know, I saw what you just did. 
- - What did who do?
  - When Patrice went to hug you, you moved away. 
- - <i>laughs<i> Well, wouldn't you?
  - No, Dad, no. You moved away from the window. You didn't want Irene to see you with another woman. You still care about her. 
- - Hey, go chase yourself.
  - Dad, you do. There's something stopping you from having a relationship with this woman. Now, what is it? 
- - You're not going to let go of this thing, are you?
  - No, I'm not! 
- - Alright. Irene's middle name is Rose.
  - So? Rose is a nice name. Rose was mother's middle name. <i>realises</i> Oh. 
- - Yeah.
  - Oh Dad, you can't feel guilty about that. Gee, mom's been gone for six years now. Your feelings for Irene are totally severed from your feelings for Mom. You know, if she was here, if she could tell you, she'd want you to get on with your life. 
- - Okay, when I'm ready. Thanks, Frasier. You know - I guess I don't say it often enough but you're a good kid.
  - Well, thanks Dad. You know, there's something I don't say often enough... 
- - <i>correcting<i> There's nothing you don't say often enough.
  - <i>realizes what he means</i> Right, Dad.<i>Reset to KitchenMartin enters the kitchen to find Daphne busying herself in the fridge.</i> 
- - Well, it's a long time since I've been dating. Have things changed much in the last forty years?
  - Well, the wardrobe's a little different - but your ultimate goal is still the same! Dad, I'm glad you changed your mind about this. 
- - Yeah, me too. Thanks for our little talk.
  - My pleasure.<i>Martin looks at Daphne as if to say thank you. She nods a reply.</i>
- - Yep.
  - Terrific, alright. Have you got your keys? 
- - Yeah.
  - You're not going to be out too late, are you? 
- - Frasier! 
  - Dad, I'm just busting your chops here.<i>The doorbell goes and both Frasier and Martin go "Oh My God." To understand this scene you've got to realize that Daphne and Frasier seem to act like the mother and father and Martin seems to be their kid going on a first date.</i> 
- - Oh, good morning, Dr. Crane. Not a morning person, are we? Well, never you mind. I am. Can't very well be a good health care provider if you're not up with the cock. I've already taken your father for his morning constitutional. Such a remarkable man - thirty years on the police force. I can understand why you'd want him to live here, although not many sons would do that, not without getting paid for it. Anyway, coffee's made, and I took the liberty of doing a shop. They don't serve much tripe in Seattle, do they?
  - <i>still groggy</i> And you are...? 
- - Daphne. Daphne Moon. I moved in yesterday. You hired me to take care of your father.
  - <i>realizing</i> Of course. Forgive me, I'm not quite myself until I've shaved and showered. 
- - Oh, yes. I completely understand about one's morning ablutions. I, for instance, can't stand myself 'til I floss all that gunk out of my teeth... 
  - <i>interrupting</i> Miss Moon! For future reference, if you could just keep your ablutions on a need-to-know basis? Thank you. <i>goes into kitchen</i> Now, my coffee. 
- - <i>doing a fry-up<i> The half 'n half's curdled, and the garbage disposal's jammed. 
  - <i>pouring his coffee</i> Good morning to you too, dad. 
- - Morning was two hours ago. And close that barn door, we got a lady in the house now.<i>Frasier adjusts his robe, then tastes his coffee. He is not amused.<i>
  - Hey, this isn't my coffee. Where's my finely-ground Kenya blend from Starbucks? 
- - That's it. Daphne put an eggshell and some allspice in it.
  - <i>pouring it down the sink</i> Didn't that just dress it up? 
- - I like it. Gives it a zing. Now, come on, sit down. Your breakfast is ready. <i>He leaves the kitchen with a plate full of fried food.<i>
  - <i>following</i> Oh, no, dad, dad, look, all I ever have is a bran muffin, and a touch of yogurt. 
- - Ah, girlie food. Besides, I already fixed your breakfast. Now, I made you &ldquo;Eggs in a Nest.&rdquo;
  - Ah yes, the Crane family specialty. Fried eggs swimming in fat, served in a delightfully hollowed-out piece of white bread. I can almost hear my left ventricle slamming shut as I speak. 
- - You want cheese on that?
  - No. I'd like to leave some blood flow for the clot to go swiftly to my brain. <i>to himself</i> Can't have my coffee, can't have my breakfast, <i>sees Martin&rsquo;s chair</i> Oh god, it wasn't a dream. I'll get him for this. <i>to Eddie</i> And his little dog, too. <i>opens front door</i> Where's my paper? Who's stolen my paper? Mrs. Everly, you old bat, I know it's you! 
- - Yoo-hoo? It's right here, we brought it in for you.
  - <i>to outside world</i> Sorry, sorry. <i>closes door and examines paper</i> Oh, wait a minute, this... where's the rubber band? This paper has been read. 
- - Well don't worry, we won't tell you what's in it.
  - That is not the point. Dad, dad? Come and sit down please, would you? 
- - You're going to give a speech, aren't you?
  - Oh, that's right, I forgot, you're psychic. 
- - Yes, but I think anyone could feel this one coming on.
  - Let us get something clear. I am not a morning person. I have to ease into my day slowly. First I have my coffee - sans eggshells or anything else one tends to pick out of the garbage. Then I have a low-fat, high-fiber breakfast. Finally I sit down and read a crisp, new newspaper. If I am robbed of the richness of my morning routine, I cannot function. My radio show suffers, and like ripples in a pond, so do the many listeners that rely on my advise, to help them through their troubled lives. I'm sorry if this may sound priggish, but I have grown comfortable with this part of myself. It is the magic that is me. 
- - I know this is a stressful time, and this is new for all of us, but I'm sure that soon we'll all be getting along swimmingly. <i>looks down at Frasier's robe<i> Ooh, six more weeks of winter, I see.<i>Frasier closes his robe. He sits at the table and starts readingthe paper. Eddie comes over and jumps onto a chair to stare at him.<i>
  - Down Eddie, down. <i>Eddie doesn't move</i> I said down. Good boy Eddie, just get down. Good good, Eddie get down. Eddie, GET DOWN! <i>Eddie still just sits there, staring at Frasier</i> Dad, dad, I can't read my paper, Eddie's staring at me. 
- - Why, you do make quite a picture in the morning. Just ignore him.
  - I'm trying to. 
- - Dr. Crane, we have Leonard from Everett, on line two.
  - Hello Leonard, I'm listening.
- - <i>v.o.<i> Oh, hi Dr. Crane. Ah, I'm a little nervous, but ah... well, here goes. Several years ago I became afraid of large, open spaces. Like, if I went to the mall, I'd break out in a cold sweat, I'd get so scared that I'd have to run home.
  - Yes Leonard, and your comments on intrusion?
- - Nothing. Just that, now I'm afraid to go outside at all. I haven't seen another person in eight months.
  - Well Leonard, it sounds like you may have a very serious condition known as agoraphobia. But you're not alone.
- - But I am alone, Dr. Crane.
  - Listen Leonard, I'm afraid your problem is too difficult to deal with in the time we have remaining, so if you stay on the line, someone will give you the name of a qualified therapist. Well, that's all the time we have for today. You've been listening to Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. Stay tuned for the news. Then next up, Bob &ldquo;Bulldog&rdquo; Briscoe and the Gonzo Sports Show. I never miss it. <i>off air</i> Yeah, right. 
- - You want your messages?
  - Oh, listen Roz, just hang on to them. I think I'll stay in here for a while. Today more than most, I feel an overwhelming need for solitude. I've got a fascinating book here, a comfortable chair and a soundproof booth. <i>Just as Frasier leans back and opens his book the door opensand Bulldog walks in pushing his props trolley.</i>
- - Hiya, doc. How're they hangin'?
  - Bulldog, what are you doing here?
- - Hey, where the hell's my Cosell tape? Somebody stole my Cosell tape! THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL B.S.! THIS... oh, here it is.
  - <i>preparing to leave</i> Let me just get out of your way.
- - Oh, by the way doc, doc, I heard what you said to that kid who fantasizes about killing his parents? You know what I would have told him? Sports. You go out there, break some heads- <i>hits himself on the head to illustrate<i> That'll turn him around.
  - Yes. If only Jeffrey Dahmer had picked up a squash racquet. <i>goes into Roz's booth</i>
- - <i>to Frasier, as he starts to exit into the corridor<i> Hold on a second, I have to ask you something. <i>into phone<i> Gary? I broke up with him three weeks ago. The sex was okay, but he was kinda limited. <i>Frasier moves to leave, Roz stops him<i> No, no. <i>into phone<i> It wasn't that Gary was bad in bed. I mean, he knew where all the parts were. Unfortunately, most of them were his. Yes, totally passionless, it was like he was thinking of someone else. I know I was. Somebody's here, I gotta go. Alright? Talk to you later. Bye, mom. <i>hangs up<i>
  - That was your mother? 
- - Yeah, why?
  - You talk to your mother like that? 
- - What, you don't talk to your dad like that?
  - Oh, hardly. We hardly speak at all. 
- - Well, we're both adults. We talk about everything.
  - Well, isn't that healthy. 
- - Really?
  - Ah yes, well you know, we're just not really similar people. In fact, my brother and I are a lot more like my mother. You know, if it wasn't biologically impossible I'd swear that dad was dropped in a basket on our doorstep.
- - <i>into mike<i> Yes, he called, he'll be right here. <i>to Frasier<i> So do you want to go across the street and have one of those expensive coffee drinks?
  - Maybe some other time. Right now, I'd like to continue my quest for solitude. I'll go somewhere where my father, Mary Poppins and the hound from hell can't find me. I think maybe I'll just go sit under the shade of a tree and read in a quiet park. <i>exits</i><i>FADE TO </i>
- - <i>to Martin<i>...so the elephant says, &ldquo;He's with me.&rdquo; <i>they both laugh<i> Oh, Dr. Crane, you're home. We just got back from your father's physical therapy.
  - Oh, glory be. Oh, happy day. Not that I'm not delighted to see the two of you, it's just that I'm in the middle of a very exciting chapter. 
- - Ooh, I understand. So why don't I pop into the kitchen and brew you up a nice pot of tea?
  - No, I just poured myself a glass of wine, thank you. 
- - <i>sitting in the Chair<i> Whatcha reading?
  - Oh dad, you wouldn't find it very interesting. 
- - I might. Any good?
  - Well, I haven't formed a opinion yet. Oddly enough, I'm having a little trouble getting into it. 
- - <i>after a moment's silence, indicates book<i> Thick.
  - Dad will you... Listen, I don't want to offend, but if you wouldn't mind, could you just leave me alone, let me read my book? 
- - No problem.<i>Martin sits quietly, not looking as Frasier reads. This finallyirks Frasier.<i>
  - What are you doing? 
- - I'm leaving you alone.
  - Well, it's very annoying! 
- - Ah, what's your problem? You've been sucking a lemon all week.
  - All right, all right, I'll tell you what my problem is, I can't get a moment&rsquo;s peace alone in my own house. 
- - Well, forgive me. When you invited me to move in I didn't realise I had to stay chained to the radiator in my room <i>starts to leave<i>
  - <i>quietly</i> Perhaps only evenings. 
- - I heard that!
  - Well, of course you heard it, you're never out of earshot! 
- - Ah, you know, you've always been like this. You were always a fussy little kid, and it's gotten worse ever since. You and your precious morning routine. You gotta have your coffee, you gotta have your quiet, you gotta have this, you gotta have that. Well, aren't you the little hothouse orchid.
  - Hey, hey-hey-hey! I don't have to sit here and listen to that! 
- - Ah, if you want everything so perfect, why don't you go live in a bubble?
  - Oh right, oh well, right now it sounds very inviting! <i>He storms out the front door and slams it behind him.</i> 
- - Hello there, Frasier.
  - Oh, what fresh hell is this? 
- - That's a nice way to greet your brother. <i>to waiter<i> Caf&eacute; latte, <em>per piachere.<em>
  - I'm sorry, Niles, it's just I've been trying to read this book and it seems no matter where I alight I get interrupted. 
- - Oh, &ldquo;The Holotropic Mind&rdquo; by Stanislav Grolf. I love his conclusion that a change in breathing patterns can induce alternate states of consciousness.
  - Great. <i>slams book shut</i> Now you've ruined the ending! 
- - I'm sorry, that was inconsiderate. <i>the waiter brings his coffee<i> <em>Mille Grazie.<em> <i>to Frasier<i> So, how's father?
  - Father? You mean the man who's driving me crazy? The man who makes me dread the sight of my very doorstep? The man who just drove me out of my own home? 
- - And how's work?
  - Niles, I don't know what I'm going to do. Dad and I had another fight. I'm afraid if we stay under the same roof together we'll do irreparable harm to the relationship we have as it is. 
- - Well, what are the alternatives?
  - Well, if I didn't feel so guilty I'd, I'd do what I should have done in the first place just move dad and Daphne into their own apartment. 
- - Oh, for goodness sake, Frasier. It hasn't been that long, you have to give it a chance. And you might remember why you moved him in in the first place.
  - Refresh me. 
- - You wanted to get closer to dad.
  - I still do. There isn't anything I'd like more, but he makes it impossible. I can't read my book, I can't have my coffee, I can't have any peace in my own home. 
- - <i>entering from back, carrying a box<i> We're putting them in the storage room, in the basement. There was no room for them in the study once we got my furniture in. We discussed it last night, remember?
  - Of course, of course. 
- - So what you&rsquo;re saying is, you want to be closer to dad, but you don't actually want him around. Ask yourself Frasier, have you tried to sit down and talk to him - I mean, really talk to him?
  - Well, I... <i>he thinks about it</i> Maybe I haven't done my best. I guess I owe that to the old man, don't I? Well ah, thanks for the chat, Niles. You're a good brother, and a credit to the psychiatric profession. 
- - I was just on my way to ask that peculiar little man from building services to give me a hand moving them.
  - Oh yes, Kyle. Well, give him my regards. 
- - Remind me again - which one of Kyle's eyes is really looking at me?
  - The brown one.<i>Daphne exits via the front door. Martin enters from the bedroom.</i> 
- - Daphne left your dinner in the fridge, if you're hungry.
  - Well thanks, but I'm not. Ah... Dad, I'm sorry about the blow-up earlier. 
- - Ah, forget about it. I already have.
  - You know, I guess there's no secret that there's been a lot of tension between us, and I think maybe one of the reasons is that we never have a chance to sit down and talk. And I... I thought we might have a conversation. 
- - Right now?
  - Yes, I think now would be a good time. 
- - Later would be better.
  - It doesn't have to be a long, drawn-out conversation, I'm talking about three minutes of your life. 
- - Well, I hope it is only three minutes, 'cause my program's coming on.
  - Well, alright. If it'll make you any happier I will get the egg-timer and I will set it for three minutes. <i>He does so, and they sit at the table.</i> 
- - So what do you want to talk about?
  - Well, the idea is for us to have a normal, honest conversation like two normal people without getting on each other&rsquo;s nerves. Ready? <i>sets timer</i> Go. 
- - This is stupid.
  - <i>stops timer</i> One second? That's our personal best? Let us see if we can beat it. <i>sets timer</i> Ready? Go. 
- - So how about those Seahawks?
  - <i>stops timer</i> No sports. 
- - All right. But no opera.
  - Agreed. <i>sets timer</i> Ready? Go. 
- - <i>pause<i> This is your idea, you say something first.
  - Alright, alright. I'll, I'll tell you something about myself that ah, that you don't know. Ah, six months ago, when Lilith and I were really on the rocks, ah, there was a time of depression I went through that was so terrible I actually climbed out on a ledge and wondered if life was worth living. I... And then I thought of Frederick. 
- - And you didn't jump, huh?
  - Good, dad. 
- - Wow. I never knew that.
  - Well, that's the point of this whole experiment. To tell one another something that we don't know about each other. Something vulnerable. Now it's your turn. 
- - Okay. <i>thinks<i> Well, about two months ago, I was in the basement, going through some old pictures of your mother and me... and all of a sudden something flew up in my eye. And, when I was trying to get it out, I realised I could turn my eyelid inside out, the way kids do at camp.
  - That's it? You call that vulnerable? 
- - It hurt.
  - Oh well... I'm not talking about that kind of pain, I'm talking about your emotions, your soul. Some sort of painful, gut- wrenching experience. 
- - Other than this one?
  - Oh, God! Always the flip answer. 
- - Well, this whole thing's stupid.
  - Well, not to me. Oh, how should I expect anything out of you? You are the most cold, intractable, unapproachable, distant, stubborn, cold man I've ever known! 
- - You said &ldquo;cold&rdquo; twice, Mr. Egghead.
  - Egghead? Egghead? 
- - You said &ldquo;egghead&rdquo; twice, too.
  - Oh, you are so infuriating! 
- - Well, you're no day at the beach either. You know what you are? <i>the timer bings<i> I'll tell you later, it's time for my program. <i>moves towards Chair<i>
  - Dad, I don't think you see how serious this is. 
- - Oh, will you give it a rest? 
  - We're not getting along, and it's not getting any better. I'm not sure how to say this, but ah... I ah, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to... 
- - I know what you're trying to say. &ldquo;You want what's best for both of us.&rdquo; You want to get me out of here, then you can have your own space, and I'll have my own space, and we can put an end to all this bickering.
  - Well, yes. I guess it wasn't so hard to say after all. 
- - Except for one thing. I'm not going.
  - What? 
- - Look, you want us to forge some great father-son relationship, to make some connection. Well, that kind of thing takes a couple of years, not a couple of days, doesn't it? You're the shrink.
  - Couple of years, huh? 
- - Ah, it'll go by before you know it.
  - Either that, or it'll seem like eternity. 
- - I'm willing to give it a shot if you are.
  - Okay. 
- - Great. How about you and me having a beer together?
  - Wow. You know, in all these years you've never asked me that. I'd love to have a beer with you, dad. 
- - Well then, you better haul ass, 'cause the store closes in ten minutes.
  - Right. <i>exits</i><i>End of Act Two.</i>
- - I don't know. Eddie - must ya? <i>Eddie carries on staring<i> Apparently he must.
  - <i>to Eddie</i> What is so fascinating about me? What is it? Do you imagine I am a large piece of kibble? Am I some sort of canine enigma? Think about it, get back to me.<i>Daphne enters carrying a tray of food.</i> 
- - Oh, it's an old case of mine from the police force - the "Weeping Lotus" murder. 
  - Dad, I can't believe you're still trotting this old thing up. He's been trying to solve this case for twenty years. 
- - Yeah, and I'm not stopping until I do solve it. You adopt certain instincts when you're a cop. And my instinct tells me that this case can be cracked. There just must be one small thing I keep overlooking. <i>tidies papers<i>
  - There is - who the murderer was. <i>laughs</i><i>The doorbell sounds and Frasier goes to answer it as Daphne and Martin chat.</i> 
- - It's a hobby. Some guys build a boat in their garage, I try to figure out why a maniac would kill a hooker and try to stuff her entire body into a bowling bag. It's relaxing!<i>At this point Frasier opens the front door to Niles who is carrying a bottle of wine. He enters and hands the wine to Frasier.<i>
  - Hello, Niles. 
- - Sorry I'm late, Frasier. Just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude directory assistance operator and it shattered her calm.
  - Have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high strung? Maybe she should see someone. 
- - No, I'm afraid. And please, no more of this "Doctor" and "Mrs. Crane" formality. To you, it's Niles and... <i>stumped<i> er...
  - Maris. 
- - I'm famished.
  - Me, too.<i>Niles and Frasier begin to eat...</i> 
- - We thank you, Lord, for the food we're about to eat. You have blessed our table with your palm. And thank you, Lord, for bringing this family together and we also thank you for the other gifts you have given to us. And may we always be able to share with those less fortunate...
  - <i>to Eddie</i> OH, WILL YOU STOP STARING! 
- - So Frasier, did you happen to read Derek Mann's column today? You were mentioned.
  - No, I missed it. 
- - Just as well, it wasn't flattering. 
  - I still would have liked to have seen it anyway. 
- - He writes that "Mann About Town" column for the <i>Times<i>. The things that guys comes out with, sometimes he's really funny - what did he say about you?
  - <i>reading</i> "I hate Frasier Crane." 
- - Oh, don't let it bother you.
  - Well, actually it doesn't, dad. I knew when I chose a career in the public eye that I'd be open to certain criticisms, it's the price I pay for my celebrity. Thank you, Niles, for bringing me the paper, and thank you for highlighting it in yellow! Now, who would like some wine? 
- - <i>laughs, then<i> Oh, sorry. 
  - That's it. "I hate Frasier Crane." That's it? 
- - Daphne, this salad is exquisite.
  - <i>sitting down</i> Now why would he say that? 
- - Must be the carrots, he always did like them.
  - Not the salad, Derek Mann. I mean, why would he write a thing like that? I've never done anything to him, the attack is totally unwarranted. I'm a healer, for God's sake. 
- - Oh, for crying out loud!
  - Dad, I have every right to feel upset about this - I will not enjoy my dinner until this is where it belongs - in the trash.<i>Frasier goes to bin it as Niles tries to stop him.</i> 
- - <i>v.o<i> Okay. 
  - All right, good girl. Now your problem...
- - <i>beep<i> Oh my gosh, another call waiting - someone else is trying to get through. Do you mind if I take it? 
  - No, no. Go right ahead. <i>she does</i> Well, certainly a very interesting situation she's got herself into. Don't you think so, Roz?<i>Roz is busy eating and reading magazines. She has to quickly chew her food, put down her books just for the simple</i> 
- - Okay, I'm back. 
  - All right, Lorraine. Now listen very carefully to what I'm going to tell you. Your problem seems...
- - <i>beep<i> Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be right back. 
  - For someone who's got so many problems she certainly is popular. <i>laughs</i>
- - Okay, go ahead Dr. Crane. I'm here. <i>beep<i> Oh, I don't believe it - another call. 
  - Hold it there, Lorraine. The reason why you want to take that other call is the same reason that you want to change your career and break up with your boyfriend. You're obsessed with what you think you're missing. The better offer, the call on the other line. Well, you've got to take one call at a time from now on. Fully explore and experience each one in its turn and you'll be a stronger person for it. Do you follow me, Lorraine?
- - Okay, I'm back! 
  - Thank you for your call. <i>hangs up</i> Well, we've only got two minutes left, so I would like to end today's program on a personal note. As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"... "I Hate Frasier Crane". <i>sarcastic</i> What trenchant criticism. Move aside Voltaire, step back in the shadows H.L. Mencken, there's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef t'ouerve "I Hate Frasier Crane." A lesser critic would have wasted our time by presenting a well thought-out, point by point, constructive critique of this show. No, not our Mr. Mann. So dear listeners, when Mr. Mann's column arrives on your front doorstep - read it, enjoy it, but above all, treasure it. For one day this man will be joining the Pantheon of the immortals. And if we're lucky... it'll be one day soon. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. <i>signs off</i><i>Frasier presses the off air button, and twirls his microphone around before blowing on it as if it were his weapon, then "holsters" itin his belt.FADE TO </i>
- - Frasier, how funny running into you here.
  - I'm always here. 
- - Yes well, you weren't here twenty minutes ago have you seen today's "Times"?
  - <i>knowing what's coming</i> No. 
- - Lucky for you I saved you this copy. Take a look at Derek Mann's column.
  - You know, this is the second time in as many days that you have given me a paper. Have you ever considered getting yourself a route? 
- - Ah, I'll take your word for it. Nice to see you again. <i>then, to Frasier<i> Mr. Mann heard your program yesterday.
  - So I see. <i>reading</i> "Yesterday afternoon, Dr. Frasier Crane got on my case for not giving him a point by point criticism of his radio show. Well, he asked for it, so here goes." 
- - Oh, now I remember you!
  - <i>reading</i> "It's hard to say what I hate most about Crane's show &mdash; his pompous, sanctimonious style, his constant self- congratulatory references to his own life, or his voice a mock- sympathetic tone so sickly sweet one wonders if the man graduated from medical school or from some mind-controlling cult." 
- - It's continued on twelve.
  - I've read enough! 
- - <i>asking<i> Can I get you something?
  - <i>to Niles</i> How can the man think something like that? 
- - It's my job, I'm a waiter.
  - We don't want anything, thank you. 
- - Dr. Crane, on line two we have Stewart who's having a problem with delayed gratification.
  - Well, he's just going to have to wait! I don't know who this Derek Mann thinks he is, but if he thinks he can hide behind his newspaper like some sniveling schoolchild cowering behind a tree, then I say let's expose this Derek Mann for what he is not a man at all, but half a man! <i>to Roz</i> Now what line did you say Stewart was on? 
- - He hung up.
  - Well, I'm leaving all sorts of bodies in my wake today. Let's see who's on line five. <i>he presses button</i> Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane - I'm listening. 
- - <i>v.o<i> Good, because I was listening too.
  - And you are? 
- - Derek Mann.
  - <i>regretting</i> I see. 
- - Look, nobody calls me half a man - especially some Ivy League twit. So what do you say we settle this like men?
  - Are you implying that you want to fight me? 
- - I'm not implying, I'm saying.
  - Fight, as in a fist fight? 
- - <i>v.o<i> So what's it going to be, Crane, are you going to fight me or not?
  - Oh, you can't be serious. 
- - Just like I figured, you're chicken.
  - No, I just don't think that civilized people behave that way. You know, Roz, perhaps our listeners have an opinion about that subject? Who do we have on the line? 
- - You're chicken, Crane. Admit it!
  - I am not chicken! 
- - <i>squawks like a chicken<i>
  - We are mature thinking people, not cavemen! 
- - <i>squawks some more<i>
  - Alright, if you want a fight so bad, I'll give you a fight! You just say the time and place! 
- - Kinsley square, right outside your office, by the old statue. Noon tomorrow. Don't back out!
  - I won't! Don't you back out either because I know where your office is too, and I know where you live, and I'll track you down! Now who else out there wants a piece of me?!<i>FADE TO</i>
- - He's getting off an elevator... he's walking down a long hallway... she doesn't know he's coming... he's opening the door...<i>At this moment, a well-dressed man enters the apartment wearing wing tips and a trench coat - it's Frasier.<i>
  - Hello, everyone. 
- - Sometimes I get my signals crossed.
  - What's going on? 
- - You made your old man proud. Yet the best part was when he challenged you to a fight and you stood right up to him. 
  - <i>worried</i> Yes I did, didn't I? 
- - I can't wait to see that.
  - Oh, I'm not actually going to go through with it, dad. 
- - What are you talking about?
  - Well, I already won our little war of words. What would I stand to benefit by going through with actually going through with a fist fight? 
- - Frasier, maybe I'm misunderstanding here... he challenged you and you're backing down?
  - Well, mature people are supposed to use their intellect to settle their differences. 
- - A man doesn't just turn his tail and run - that's not the way I brought you up.
  - Are you encouraging me to fight? 
- - You bet I am - you gave the guy your word.
  - Yes, but I didn't even know what I was saying - I hadn't even had lunch yet. 
- - I might have known this would have happened. It's Billy Kreizel all over again.
  - What did you say? 
- - Something about a Billy Kreizel, I believe.
  - I can't believe you're dragging that up - that was thirty years ago. 
- - Who's this Billy Kreizel?
  - Oh, he was this kid in fifth grade that used to torment me! 
- - So one day Frasier made fun of Billy's crewcut.
  - Well, he started it by making fun of the elbow patches on my blazer! 
- - Well, the point is, they were supposed to meet for a fight after school. Only "Patches" here didn't show up!
  - I had a clarinet lesson! 
- - <i>wondering<i> Couldn't you and Billy have met after the clarinet lesson?
  - Daphne, would you please excuse us for a moment! 
- - <i>gets up<i> I have a feeling I'm going to be excused quite a lot in this house. <i>She exits to the kitchen.<i>
  - <i>sarcastic</i> Dad, I am sorry if I embarrassed you for not fighting Billy Kreizel thirty years ago. But the situation is not the same now. 
- - It's exactly the same.
  - I am an adult now, I've been to medical school, I hold a certain position in this city - I do not settle my differences with brawling. 
- - The man challenged you and you accepted. 
  - Dad, I can't believe this. You won't be happy until I come home with a black eye. 
- - So, I step out of the shower, I look out of the window and I notice the garbage man looking right in at me. So I say, "Did you get a good look?" And he says, "Not completely, turn around." Then he smiled, and he's missing a tooth, and that's when the romance went right out of it for me.
  - Roz, why are you telling me this story? 
- - I'm trying to take your mind of the fact that in five minutes you're going to walk right out into that square and get your clock cleaned.
  - Well, has it ever occurred to you that I might actually win this fight? 
- - <i>enters<i> Frasier, there's quite a crowd forming out there. Secretaries with bag lunches, business men, children with balloons...
  - All that's missing is a mariachi band. 
- - Frasier, as your brother and as your friend - why are you doing this?
  - It's Billy Kreizel. 
- - <i>looking around<i> Where?
  - <i>shakes head</i> He's not here, Niles. It's just that I ran away from him when I was ten. 
- - I remember.
  - You know, I've been running ever since. You know, this is where it stops. I'm not running anymore. 
- - What is it that makes us Crane boys such targets?<i>As he says this, he takes his nail file out of his coat pocket and buffs his nails. He blows on them and offers the file to Frasier which he refuses.<i>
  - <i>sarcastic</i> Chalk it up to random violence!<i>Niles nods in agreement and exits the caf&eacute;. Martin enters.</i> 
- - Hey, there.
  - Dad? What are you doing here? 
- - Look son, I said a couple of things last night that maybe went over the line.
  - Look dad, if you were worried that you talked me into something that I wasn't ready to do &mdash; well, you're wrong. You can relax. I took this on for myself. 
- - Good.
  - Who told you that I was going through with it, anyway? 
- - Good news, I parked in front of a broken meter. We're getting a freebie. Well, good luck, Dr. Crane, with the fight. 
  - Thank you, Daphne. Any psychic predictions on the outcome? 
- - Frasier, Frasier, there's something I want you to see. <i>points out of window<i> There, the man standing to the left of the statue - I recognize his picture from the newspaper, that's Derek Mann.
  - He's gigantic! 
- - Are you sure you want to go through with this?
  - Yes, yes I am.<i>Frasier throws a few shadow punches to loosen himself up.</i> 
- - <i>begins to leave<i> Well, if we want an unobstructed view...
  - <i>stops him</i> Look, I prefer if you guys stay here. You'll only make me nervous. 
- - They're breaking it up! Just when they were getting started.<i>Shouts are heard from the crowd hurling insults at the police force. The officer marches Frasier right into the Caf&eacute;.<i>
  - Alright, I'll come along peacefully - let me just get my jacket.
- - Relax, I'm not arresting you. But I'm warning you that in this town we don't settle our differences with street fights - no matter who you are. 
  - Well thank you, officer, you'll have no more trouble from me.
- - Okay. <i>exits<i>
  - Dad, dad, did you see me? My hands are trembling, my chest is pounding, my mouth is all dry, my knees are like jello... God, I feel great! 
- - You did good.
  - Yeah, I was out there. I was raring to go, you saw that... 
- - No, it was a B-52.<i>Frasier comes in from the bedroom.<i>
  - Well, Dad's done it again. That was Dr. Jennings's office on the phone. He's skipped his physical again today. 
- - Frasier, you know Dad's intense aversion to doctors, you should have seen that he got there.
  - Yes, well I didn't see you volunteering this afternoon. 
- - Wait 'til your father gets here, I'll give him such a piece of my mind.<i>Eddie comes bounding out of the bedroom, bounces over the furnitureand sits by the door.<i>
  - If only we had some way of knowing if he was about to arrive.<i>Martin enters.</i> 
- - <i>to Eddie<i> Hey, how ya doin', boy? Yeah, glad to see you too.
  - So. How was your exam today? 
- - Oh, you know. Everything's pretty routine.
  - EKG? 
- - Textbook.
  - Hope they took a full blood panel. 
- - Because I feel fine. I'll go to the doctor when I don't feel fine. Besides, I don't like Dr. Jennings. He's got a model of a colon on his desk, he keeps his tongue depressors in it.
  - Well, all right Dad, fine. If you don't like him, why don't you go to see my doctor, she's one of the finest gastroenterologists in this city. 
- - Now now, we'll have none of that. We women have been poked and prodded by male doctors for centuries. I say it's high time you gents went to see a doctor of the opposite sex. See how you like waiting in that room - sitting there all naked and helpless and goose-bumpy. 
  - Niles, surely you could recommend someone? <i>Niles is staring at Daphne, in a warm, happy world of his own.</i>
- - I'm sorry, my mind was somewhere else. Rec... OH! I know who you should see - Dr. Gary Newman. His office is in my building, he has a very successful practice, I saw a Lichtenstein hanging in his office.
  - Ooh, Lichtenstein. He sounds perfect. 
- - Alright, alright. I'll make an appointment, I'll go see him.
  - Oh, now just hang on a second there, mister. I will make the arrangements and I will escort you personally. 
- - Oh, stop grumbling. It won't be so bad. Well, unless you have to parade around the office in one of those gowns where your little bum peeks through the back.
  - So Niles, what's Dr. Newman's number? <i>But Niles is tuned out again.</i>
- - My appointment was supposed to be half an hour ago, how much longer are we gonna wait for this guy? Come on Frasier, let's get out of here.
  - Dad, Dad, just relax. Read a magazine. Oh, here, here. Take the Cosmo quiz. 
- - <i>reading<i> "Are your nipples sensitive?"
  - Would you mind doing that quietly, it's not an oral exam. 
- - You haven't seen the second question. Did you used to keep your patients waiting like this?
  - Oh, just the compulsives. It was part of their therapy. Relax there, I'll take care of it. <i>He goes to the receptionist's cubicle.</i> 
- - Yes, I'm sorry. The doctor's running a little late this morning, but you'll be first up when he gets in. 
  - When he gets in? My God, where's he coming from, Spokane?
- - Actually he has a long drive in from his weekend house at Lake Shalonne. 
  - Lake Shalonne? Ooh, this guy must be terrific! <i>He goes back to Martin.</i> 
- - So?
  - Dad, relax. He'll be here any minute. <i>looking around</i> You know Dad, I was just struck by one of life's little ironies. I remember you taking me to the doctor, and now here I am taking you. 
- - Yeah. I remember when I took you for your first tetanus shot, you were about five or six.
  - Oh boy, was I scared. I remember you holding my hand. 
- - Yeah. Bent over that table, dropped your little drawers. When the nurse gave you the shot, you took your mind off it by reciting the names of all of Puccini's operas. Right then I knew you'd never be a cop. Look, I'm serious. I'm not staying any longer, let's go.
  - All right dad, look, I'll check and see if there's someone substituting for him. 
- - <i>who wishes he hadn't started this<i> I have sensitive nipples.<i>Frasier comes back. He is the bearer of bad news.<i>
  - Dad? I'm afraid the doctor won't be able to make your appointment today. 
- - Oh, that's just great. These big-shot doctors, they keep you waiting for an hour and then they don't even have the decency to show up! What, play a little slow on the golf course today? That arrogant, inconsiderate jerk!
  - Dad, Dad, Dad &mdash; Dr. Newman is dead. He died an hour ago. 
- - Well? These things happen.
  - These things happen?" Roz, how can you say that? My God, this was not an old man, he was my age. 
- - What am I supposed to say? I guess I don't think of these things like you do. Guess it's because you're forty-one and I'm... <i>laughs<i> not.
  - Don't you ever think about you're own mortality? Don't you ever think about dying? 
- - Well, not me dying, but you know what I have thought about lately? I've been dating this older guy, and what if... you know? <i>Frasier doesn't<i> We were in bed together and he dropped dead? Well, it's not out of the realm of possibility. Sometimes he starts breathing very funny and I don't know if he's having a good time or if I've overexcited him to some dangerous level.
  - Someone certainly has a very high opinion of herself. 
- - Everybody's good at something.
  - Why is it that every time we try to have a serious discussion, we end up talking about your sex life? 
- - Well, I'll just pop into the kitchen and fix us a snack. <i>She exits.<i>
  - <i>taking a large folder over to the table</i> Pump iron? Niles, you don't even pump your own gas. 
- - All right, all right. Now what is all this nonsense about getting your affairs in order?
  - Well, it's this Dr. Newman dying at such a young age really threw me for a loop. I was trying to figure out why, and I finally realized that I hadn't made the proper provisions for my own death. 
- - Oh! Here, allow me. <i>He takes the jar but has even less success. Frasier distributesfiles to each person.<i>
  - First, the pertinent information. I've prepared copies for each of you. The location and numbers of my bank accounts; <i>Niles is still struggling with the jar</i> my safety deposit keys; the number for my attorney... Niles, what are you doing? Oh, give me that! <i>He takes the jar and opens it.</i> 
- - <i>to Daphne<i> I loosened it for him.
  - Now, the distribution of my personal possessions. 
- - Oh, I really think this is a matter for family only.
  - No, no Daphne, please, I'd like you to stay. I'll come to you later. Dad, Niles, I'd like you to put your names on these stickers, <i>hands them over</i> and place them on any object you'd like bequeathed to you. 
- - This is crazy. I'm not going to start putting my name on your stuff.
  - Dad, what happens if I die tomorrow, you and Niles end up in an argument about... well, that African mask, for instance? 
- - Well, don't look at me. I throw a towel over that thing when you're not home.
  - Okay, fine. Now we come to the issue of... my remains. 
- - Oh, jeez.
  - I've arranged every detail in this easy-to-read binder. <i>gives binder to Martin</i> 
- - Who are you using?
  - Michaelson's. 
- - Excuse me. Excuse me! Are we about done?
  - Well, there is just one more duck to put in the row. I've done some research and I've discovered that most unexpected deaths occur in the home. And Daphne, this is where you come in, the actual finding of the body. 
- - That's a comfort.
  - Well, perhaps dad's right. Maybe we should just drop the subject. Well, thank you. This meeting has actually made me feel better, I think I can handle my mortality a bit better now. Well, enough talk about death. <i>produces a bottle of wine</i> Let's celebrate life with a bottle of Chateau Certair '75 
- - Eddie? Ah, there you are. Come on, boy. Frasier, what are you still doing up? <i>no answer<i> Frasier!
  - Dad, please, shh. I'm trying to listen to my heartbeat. Amazing thing, the human heart. You know, it can pump eighteen hundred gallons of blood through it each and every day, but the tiniest tear in the tiniest part of the tiniest artery and "poof," you're gone. 
- - I thought you were all okay about this stuff now.
  - Oh, so did I. What is the matter with me? I guess I thought that putting my affairs in order would help me to deal with this thing, but it hasn't. I... I can't seem to get over the feeling that no matter how remote the possibility, something could happen to me. Jeez, I'd miss so much. I'd never get to see my son hit his first home run. It'd be a terrible thing for a father to miss. 
- - Tell me about it. Look son, let me tell you something. There was this time, a while back, seven or eight of us were on this drug bust. We get the order to go through the front door, and the first guy took one. He was dead before he hit the ground. When you're a cop, you've got to be able to handle things like that, but I... I just couldn't get over it. Every time I had to go in a blind alley, or in a dark building, I just froze. And I knew if I kept being afraid to die, I'd never be able to do my job. 
  - So what did you do? 
- - I just forced myself to forget about it.
  - Just like that? 
- - Just like that. Next time I came across one of those doors, I went right through it. <i>then<i> The fact that I got shot in the hip was purely coincidental.
  - You were this close to helping me there, Dad. 
- - Look Frasier, just because some doctor dies doesn't mean you're gonna die.
  - Yes, but he was just like me. Highly educated, sophisticated, at the top of his profession; I saw a picture of him in a medical journal, he even looked like me. Same determined chin, sweater vest and ever-so-slightly receding hairline. 
- - Look, what do you know about this guy? You don't even know his medical history.
  - Actually, you're on to something there, dad. Yeah, yeah. For all I know he could have had high blood pressure, popped pills, drank like a fish... 
- - There you go, it could have been any of those things.
  - I'm gonna find out what caused his heart attack. That's the only way I can disassociate myself from him. There's got to be some reasonable explanation. <i>heads towards bedroom</i> That's great, dad. Actually, I do feel better now. 
- - Oh, of course, please come in. I'm Allen Freedman. Gary was my cousin.
  - Dr. Frasier Crane. My sincerest condolences. So, I didn't think Mrs. Newman would have company. 
- - Oh, the family are sitting Shiva.
  - Excuse me? 
- - You're not Jewish, are you? It's our version of a wake.
  - Oh &mdash; oh, yes. Oh, of course, of course. I didn't realize that Gary was Jewish, you see. 
- - You're kidding.
  - Uh, well no. Ah, well, you know, we were pretty close friends, spent a lot of time together &mdash; well, never on Friday nights, of course - but ah, you know, maybe I should come back another time. 
- - No no, please. I'm sure Julie'd love to know that you came. She's right over there. <i>points<i>
  - Oh, she looks busy. I can wait. 
- - May I help you?
  - Ah. I didn't realize this was a mirror, I thought that maybe you were having an unveiling later. 
- - You're not Jewish, are you?
  - No, no. My, my ex-wife is, though. And, ah, so and thus my son is. Which makes me, ah, sort of... well I guess you could say... <i>gives up</i> No, I'm not Jewish. 
- - We always cover mirrors at a Shiva. So those grieving don't have to be concerned with their own appearances.
  - Ah. Ah well, you look very nice. 
- - <i>relieved<i> Oh, thank you. It's been driving me crazy. I'm Bobbie, Gary's aunt.
  - Dr. Frasier Crane. My deepest sympathies. 
- - You're the doctor with the radio show, aren't you?
  - Yes, yes. 
- - Did you know Gary well?
  - Well, yes. Yes, yes I did. Well I, there's so much more I wanted to know about the man. You see, ah... well oh, I don't know, ah... how was his health before he died? 
- - Excellent. He was never sick.
  - History of heart disease? 
- - Oh, no.
  - High blood pressure? 
- - No.
  - High cholesterol? 
- - No.
  - Do you know what his HDL was in comparison to his LDL? 
- - No.
  - I'm sorry. I'm asking too many questions. You know how doctors are, always looking for the answers to the mysteries of life.<i>A woman enters, carrying a cake. She's been crying. Bobbie greets her.</i> 
- - Dr. Crane? From the radio?
  - Yes. I'm sorry for your loss. 
- - I love your show. <i>re her tears<i> Oh, I... I'm sorry about this. It's just, ah, when I went to pick up this linseed tort I thought of Gary and...
  - Oh? So Gary had a fondness for fattening desserts, did he? 
- - Yeah, Gary was a total health fanatic, a strict vegetarian. I used to play basketball with him every Sunday.
  - Oh. Oh, so he was sedentary all week, then he was burning up the court on Sundays. Well, that can be very straining on the heart, you know... 
- - Did you know he had less than 10 percent body fat on him?
  - My goodness. Has anybody checked to see if he's really dead? <i>this does not go down well</i> I'm sure they did check, those people are very thorough. Oh my, is that Krugle? Excuse me. <i>Frasier escapes. He wanders round the room, offering his condolences to people and finds himself standing beside Mrs. Newman.</i>
- - Dr. Crane? From...?
  - Yes, the radio. 
- - Gary never mentioned you.
  - Well, we weren't actually friends. He had an office in my brother's building. 
- - And you took the time to come down here. His own partner didn't even stay fifteen minutes. That's really sweet of you.
  - Well, actually I... there's a reason I came to talk with you. 
- - Which is?
  - It's about Gary. About how he, er... 
- - Yes?<i>Frasier realizes this whole outing has been a bad idea.<i>
  - Look, I'm sorry I've bothered you. Ah, I really just came to offer my sympathies.<i>He starts to get up.</i></i> 
- - Oh no, wait. Um, Dr. Crane? I listen to you all the time, and uh &mdash; well, maybe you can help me? What would you tell someone who called into the show and said they can't get over why someone died? I keep running this over and over in my mind and... I just can't understand how someone like Gary, who did everything right, can just die. I can't make any sense of it.
  - Mrs. Newman, I... I know you'd like me to come up with some grand answer to this whole thing. But I, I don't have one. There are none. Someone who consumes nothing but cigarettes and cheeseburgers all his life can live to be eighty-three, and someone who takes care of himself can die at forty-one. It's unfair. Believe me, there's no explanation for it. Believe me, I've checked. But, I suppose the best we can do is live for the little joys and surprises life affords us. You can't spend your life being obsessed with death. 
- - You're not Jewish, are you?
  - No. No I'm not. Well, thank you for letting me be here today. 
- - Oh, Dr. Crane? It was very nice what you said about living life for the little joys and surprises it can give us.
  - Yes. 
- - Thank you.
  - <i>quietly, to himself</i> If only I believed it myself.<i>He goes to the door, but is stopped by an attractive woman.</i> 
- - <i>v.o.; strong French accent<i> I'm sorry, Dr. Crane. I'm having a big, big problem with my monsieur. 
  - Excuse me, with your what?
- - My monsieur. 
  - Your mithyuer? <i>Both he and Roz are perplexed. Apparently, his knowledge of French begins and ends with wine bottle labels.</i>
- - Oui, my monsieur. Every day... 
  - Is that your mother?
- - No. My monsieur. 
  - Your masseur? Your Mercedes?
- - Monsieur! My monsieur! You must help me. 
  - Well Danielle, I, I, um... the best advice I can give you is to umm... either confront your mithyuer, or um, work on your self-esteem. Thank you for your call. <i>hangs up</i> This is Dr. Frasier Crane, saying go out and have a good night, Seattle. You deserve it. <i>He goes off the air, then goes into Roz's booth.</i>
- - Yeah. But when you only have one, you get a little less particular.
  - <i>admiring Roz</i> You look nice. 
- - Yeah? Well, I've got a date tonight.
  - Oh, great... Why are you only wearing one heel? Did you break it off? 
- - No, I'm dating a sea-captain with a peg-leg and this makes it easier when we dance. <i>then<i> I broke it off in a sidewalk grate.
  - Okay, so who is this guy? Another one of those trendy young kids who's got three earrings and a ponytail, wearing a T-shirt under his sports coat? 
- - Is he here?
  - Roz! Where do you meet these people? 
- - For your information, this guy happens to be a very successful media consultant. He graduated from Princeton, he has a house on Mercer Island and he owns a forty-foot sailboat.
  - You met him on a bus, didn't you? 
- - Hello, Frasier.
  - Hi, Niles. You remember Roz? 
- - Good luck. <i>to Frasier<i> Sorry I'm late, Frasier, but the entrance to your parking garage is blocked by a cab driver with a ponytail, scraping gum off his back seat.
  - <i>to Roz</i> Madame, your chariot awaits. <i>Roz exits</i> Well, we better get going, Niles. 
- - Oh actually, bad news on that score, Frasier. I'm afraid the lecture's been cancelled.
  - Oh. Well, I can't say I'm really disappointed. I wasn't relishing the idea of three hours on "Right brain, Left brain synergy." 
- - I'll have you know I trimmed that speech to two and a half hours and I opened with a really funny Al Gore joke.
  - Well, it's no use crying over spilt milk. Now... we've got a free evening. This sound like the perfect opportunity for a couple of guys on the loose to, ah... hit a sports bar, have a couple of brewskis, maybe take in a game or two. 
- - Right. What shall we do?
  - Dinner? 
- - Perfect. No place fancy, I'm sure neither of us wants a heavy meal with lots of wine and expensive desserts.
  - Oh, it's your turn to pay, isn't it? 
- - Thank you. 
  - Thank you. 
- - Are you sure it's all right to park in that lot across the street? The sign says it was just for customers of those stores, I don't want to get a ticket. 
  - No, it's fine, Niles. 
- - I mean, I could get just nip back to Crabtree & Evelyn and buy a bar of lavender soap, just to be safe. <i>stands<i> 
  - Oh Niles, Niles. Sit down. Lavender soap - for God's sake, you're a man, you'd look ridiculous.
- - Can I get you a drink? 
  - Fuzzy Navel, blended nice and frothy, please. And a... martini, Niles? 
- - No thanks, I'm driving. <i>he's still worried about his car<i> Maybe I'll buy a bag of Potpourri, or a set of hand towels. 
  - Just sit down. <i>Suddenly Niles spots Martin at another table, with a woman.</i> 
- - Frasier. Unless my eyes deceive me, that's Dad sitting over there.
  - God, you're right. Gee, that's strange, he said he was going over to Duke's to have a beer with a couple of the boys. 
- - Well, that certainly isn't the boys. Seems we've caught him in a clandestine rendezvous.
  - The sly boots. He had a date, and he didn't want us to know. 
- - Oh, he's looking this way, turn around, turn around!<i>They both hide behind their menus.<i>
  - What are they doing? 
- - <i>peeking<i> Well, it's sort of cute. He's holding her hand. <i>Frasier risks a peek<i> Don't look, don't look. I'll tell you when you can look. Not now... Not now... Okay, now. <i>Frasier looks<i> No, not now! <i>Frasier hides again<i> Oh, I don't like this one bit. 
  - Why, what are they doing now? 
- - Oh nothing, I just realized if Dad's eating here this can't be a very good restaurant.
  - You know, I wonder if it's their first date? 
- - Well, if it is, they seem to be having a very good time.
  - Why, what are they doing? 
- - Well, they're leaning in and talking to each other. He's smiling at her, she's... just collapsed in tears, she's sobbing uncontrollably.
  - Oh, yeah. That's a Crane first date all right.<i>The woman gets up and goes to the rest room.</i> 
- - She's coming this way, hide. <i>the woman passes their table<i> Frasier, do you know who that is?
  - She did look familiar. 
- - I'd swear that was Marion Lawler.
  - Marion Lawler? My God, I haven't heard that name since I was a kid. 
- - I thought Mom and Dad had a huge falling-out with the Lawlers.
  - They did, they did. It was that last summer we shared a cabin with them at the lake. 
- - Well, maybe Dad's getting together just to patch things up.
  - And doing his usual bang-up job. 
- - This is really awkward. We should just get out of here.
  - No, Niles. If we leave now, he's sure to spot us. <i>looks out the window</i> You know, Niles, maybe you should have that martini after all. 
- - I can't drink, Frasier. I'm driving.
  - Not anymore, they just towed your car.<i>Niles nods, then starts and looks out the window. He buries his head.FADE TO</i>
- - Eddie, you little hooligan. Get off that couch. You know you're not supposed to do that. If Dr. Crane sees you, he's going to throw you off the balcony and I'll be right behind you. <i>puts Eddie on the floor<i> Good boy. Now just stay there.<i>As soon as she leaves, Eddie jumps back up and starts rolling again. Frasier enters. Eddie immediately sits on the floor before Frasier sees him.<i>
  - Well, Eddie. Glad to see my rules about the couch are finally taking hold. <i>He reaches out to pet Eddie, then ends up patting him on the nose. </i>
- - <i>entering<i> Oh, hello Dr. Crane.
  - Hello, Daphne. Say, where's Dad? 
- - Mr. Dawcy down on eight invited him over to watch the ball game.
  - Oh, great. He's finally getting to know some of the neighbors.<i>He notices her looking at his face, her head cocked to the side.</i>
- - Have you ever thought about growing a moustache?
  - No, I don't think it would suit me. 
- - Oh, yes it does.
  - You've never seen me with one. 
- - Actually, I have. There's a billboard for your show down on Sixteenth Street. Some kids went at you with a can of spray paint. 
  - And it looked good? 
- - A rental car, thanks to my brother.
  - I assume you're here for a reason? 
- - Ah, yes. Frasier, last night when I got home, that strange incident with Dad and Mrs. Lawler got me to thinking, what was it that caused the rift between our two families? So, I dug out my old boyhood journal, <i>produces it<i> and looked up my entries from our last summer together at the lake. According to this, there was a three-week period where Mom and Dad had screaming matches every night, after we went to bed.
  - I don't recall that. 
- - Oh, that's right. That was the same period where you insisted on wearing the wax earplugs and the slumber mask.
  - Well, I had to, what with you underneath the covers with a flashlight looking at the <i>National Geographic.</i> 
- - I was looking at the maps.
  - That's what makes it so scary. Now what was your point? 
- - Well, according to my journal, something more provocative happened during that same period. Here, read this. <i>hands over book<i>
  - <i>reading</i> "Though summer at the lake seems but a vapid, vacuous experience, it is a necessary tonic for my troubled youth..." Niles, how old were you when you wrote this? 
- - Almost nine. Which explains the redundancy &mdash; "Vapid" and "Vacuous."
  - Well... 
- - By ten, my writing had gotten considerably tighter.
  - Amongst other things. 
- - The point is, that same night I crept out onto the screen porch, leaving the lights off so not to attract bats and moths. As I peered out through the darkness, between the trees I saw the figures of Dad and Mrs. Lawler in each other's arms. I think it's pretty clear what happened, Frasier. Dad and Mrs. Lawler had an affair.
  - Oh, come on, Niles. Look, I appreciate your attempt to spice up our family history, but really - look, we're not a Jackie Collins novel, it's ridiculous. 
- - Ooh, I love to see old family photos. <i>looks<i> My goodness&mdash; what a handsome, sinewy young bloke.
  - Yeah, that was our dad. 
- - <i>for it is he<i> I was under doctor's orders to stay out of direct sunlight.
  - Look, we don't know for sure if that was Mrs. Lawler. And besides, even then it wouldn't prove that Dad had an affair with her. 
- - What are you two talking about?
  - Oh, Niles has this theory that Dad had an illicit affair when we were youngsters. 
- - Your father? I can't believe that, he's not the type.
  - Well, that's what I think. Besides Niles, there's not enough proof. 
- - Well, are you saying it's not possible?
  - Oh, anything is possible. 
- - Then why don't you just ask him?
  - Right. "Good evening, father. By the way, did you boff one of the neighbors while we were roasting marshmallows?" 
- - Ah, ah. There's one sure way to get the truth. We'll call Aunt Vivian. <i>goes to phone<i>
  - Oh, no. 
- - Better known as The Mouth. Keeper of the Crane family skeletons.
  - <i>takes phone from Niles</i> No, Niles, we are not calling Aunt Vivian. 
- - Why? Are you scared you'll find out something you don't want to know?
  - Yes. That she knows where I live and that she still drives. 
- - Well, last night... Frasier saw you having dinner with Marion Lawler.
  - You were with me! 
- - So what were you doing, spying on me?
  - No, no Dad, we were just having dinner together - at the same time when you were supposed to be having some drinks with your buddies at Duke's. 
- - And that proves I had an affair thirty years ago?
  - No, no. But Niles dug out his journal and then he remembered this time when he saw you and her hugging, and it was right around the same time when you and Mom seemed to be fighting a lot. 
- - <i>sitting<i> Good, you're here. I came by to see how you're doing, but I only have a few minutes. I start my "Healing with Humor" support group tonight, and I still have to pick up my big shoes.
  - How am I doing? How are you doing, Niles? Doesn't it bother you that your father cheated on my mother? 
- - Frasier, your loyalties are seeping through, and I might point out that I got Mom's small features, while you got Dad's chunky thighs.
  - The point is, that it must have caused Mom a great deal of pain. 
- - Agreed, but they went on and had a very happy life together. They got over it. Why can't you?
  - I know that rationally I should be able to handle this. I deal with people who exemplify human frailty every day. <i>Another customer starts browsing in the bookcase behind the brothers.</i>
- - Frasier, as your brother, as a therapist, I think you have to let this go. And a good first step would be to come with me to my "Healing with Humor" support group.
  - Thank you Niles, but I think I just need a night to myself. 
- - Frasier?
  - <i>coldly</i> Yes. 
- - You may not remember me. Marion Lawler.
  - Yes, I remember you. <i>they shake hands</i> 
- - Is your dad home?
  - Ah, no. but if you come back later you can have the place to yourselves. 
- - No, that's not necessary. I had dinner with him the other night, and I left rather abruptly. I just wanted to tell him I'm sorry. Would you please give him my best?
  - Oh, I think you've already done that. 
- - Did I come at a bad time? You seem upset.
  - Would you come in for a moment, please? <i>she enters</i> After you met with Dad the other night, ah, he and I had a little conversation. That was the first time I learned what happened that summer. 
- - Oh, I'm sorry.
  - Well... I guess I'm not the sort of person who can hear news like that and just sweep it under the rug and forget about it. 
- - Frasier, your mother was a good person. So was my husband. They made a mistake. Anyway, just tell your father I stopped by. I felt so silly crying in front of him the other night. I've been a little overemotional since Dan died.
  - Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know. 
- - I know you're upset. But if it's any consolation, in time your father and I forgave them.
  - <i>suddenly realizing</i> Forgave <u>them</u>? 
- - Well, you never know how hard that's going to hit you. Look who I'm telling this to - the famous radio psychiatrist, Dr. Frasier Crane. I remember you when you used to run around in your undies with your pail and shovel.
  - Yes, well I rarely get to the shore anymore. 
- - Well... goodbye, Frasier.
  - Goodbye.<i>Marion leaves. Frasier closes the door, looking heartsick.FADE TO</i>
- - Up you come. <i>helps Martin to stand<i> That's much better. I'll go run your bath.<i>Daphne leaves, Frasier enters.<i>
  - Hi, Dad. You look kinda tired. 
- - <i>settling into chair, turning on TV<i> Yeah. Just finished my exercises with Nurse Ratchet.
  - Ah, listen Dad, do you have to watch the TV right now? 
- - Yeah, my program's on.
  - Well, you know, if either of us could work the VCR, we'd tape it. But, ah, just for now there's something I'd like to talk to you about. <i>turns off TV</i> 
- - Oh, for God's sake, Frasier. I know what this is, I've already told you everything I'm going to. Now drop it.<i>Martin turns on the chair's vibrating system. Frasier unplugs it.<i>
  - Dad. Why didn't you tell me the truth? 
- - I did.
  - Marion Lawler came by today. She wanted to apologize for the other night. While she was here, she... she told me what really happened. 
- - Alright, so now you know. You did your little digging, and you stuck your nose in where it didn't belong, are you happy now?
  - Why didn't you tell me it was Mom? 
- - Because it's none of your damn business, and it still isn't.
  - Look dad, I don't blame you for being defensive, but I had a right to know. For your information, this sort of thing happens to a lot of people. If it's any consolation, I know exactly how you feel. I never told you this but, um... Lilith did the same thing to me. 
- - Lilith had an affair?
  - The most painful and humiliating experience of my entire life. Well, I'm sure you felt the same way. 
- - Well, I hadn't thought about it for quite some time, but thanks for reminding me. <i>starts laughing<i> Lilith?
  - I found her attractive. I mean, is it so inconceivable that another man might find her attractive as well? 
- - <i>not convinced<i> I guess. So who was the bozo in your case?
  - Oh, God. A Frenchman who lived in a self-contained underground eco-pod. 
- - Well, that still sounds better than a urologist with a bad comb-over.
  - I'm sorry, dad. 
- - Look son, do me a favor. Don't hate your mother for this. I wasn't the easiest person to live with back then, and she had plenty of reason to do what she did. Luckily we were able to put it behind us, but I'll tell you... there were times when it really tore me up. I loved your mother.
  - So did I. 
- - I'm sorry. That's why I said I was the one who had the affair. I was just trying to protect her. Hey, me you already had problems with.
  - Well dad, I appreciate what you did, but ah, I still think you should have told me. 
- - Okay. Can I watch my program now?
  - Oh, no. Just one second. <i>gets the photo album</i> There's one thing I gotta clear up. There's this photo album here, there's all these pictures with the same woman that's been cut out of them, you see this? 
- - What else do you notice, Sherlock? Like, where's your mother?
  - Oh. Oh, that was mom? 
- - She cut herself out of it. She put a few pounds on that summer. I think that day she was wearing a brown dress with a belt, and your Aunt Vivian told her she looked like a knockwurst tied in the middle.
  - You know dad, ever since you moved in we've been trying to find something that we have in common. I think we've finally found it. 
- - Yeah... wish it was a birthmark.
  - So do I.<i>Frasier goes to his room. Martin turns on the TV.End of Act Two (Time 0930)</i>
- - <i>v.o.<i> So, Dr. Crane, I just don't know what to do about my weight. I've tried diet after diet, from the "milkshakes three times a day" to that scary bald-headed lady on TV. Nothing seems to work.
  - Hank, listen to me. You've got to look inside yourself. There is a part of you that isn't being fed. 
- - Well, it certainly isn't my butt.
  - Yes, well, I'm talking about your inner self. What isn't being fed there? Love, career, simple self-esteem? There are deeper issues at work here. 
- - So, so what do I do?
  - Well, I'd suggest extended therapy. Please stay on the line, and my producer Roz will refer you to the help you need. Roz, who's our next call? 
- - We have someone on line one who disagrees with your advice to Hank.
  - Ah, really? <i>pushes button</i> Hello, you're on the line. 
- - You've led another unsuspecting innocent down one of your dark, dead-end Freudian hallways.
  - Lilith? 
- - Overeating is very simply a behavioral problem caused by negative reinforcement. It can be cured quite readily by behavior modification.
  - I see. Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith. 
- - What do you mean by "celebrity?"
  - <i>darkly</i> Oh, they know you. <i>hits the cough button</i> Roz, what exactly does "call screening" mean? 
- - It means I get to put on the air the calls I want to hear.
  - <i>lets go of button</i> Well, Lilith, what brings you to Seattle &mdash; the constant rain? 
- - I'm here for a convention, and I happened to hear your voice on the radio. I kept hoping you'd introduce Pearl Jam's latest hit, but much to my chagrin, you were doling out worthless little advice pellets from your psychiatric Pez dispenser.<i>Roz is cracking up, obviously loving every minute of this.<i>
  - Well, I guess you'll be rushing off to your little convention now, and I suppose we'll just have to catch up on your next trip. 
- - Actually, I'm not doing anything for dinner tonight.
  - Really? Well, then you'll want to keep your dial tuned to 780 for Gil Chesterton's "Restaurant Beat." 
- - Why don't you ask her out to dinner, Dr. Crane?<i>Frasier hits the cough button again and gives Roz a glare that would melt through lead. She just grins at him. He lets go of the button.<i>
  - What a wonderful idea! <i>takes a piece of paper and a Magic Marker and starts writing</i> And let me tell you why, Seattle. You see, even though our marriage was unsuccessful, Lilith and I are quite capable of conducting ourselves as adults, and even enjoying spending some time together, from time to time. So, Lilith, seven at my place? 
- - In my day, when two people broke up you were mad, you were angry, you hated each other! Whatever happened to the sanctity of divorce?
  - Dad, you never liked Lilith. 
- - She's weird.
  - She is not weird. 
- - Oh, she's <i>weird.<i>
  - Well, maybe she's a little strange. 
- - Oh, my head!
  - Can I get you an aspirin, Daphne? 
- - Perhaps if someone rubbed your temples&mdash;
  - Niles! I'm sure she wants privacy while she contacts the mother ship. 
- - Frasier, I must tell you, I'm here for support, but I will not speak to Lilith.
  - Oh, Niles, this ongoing feud between you and Lilith is ridiculous! Let it go, it was years ago. 
- - Well, let me refresh you! At our wedding, while Maris was reciting her vows &mdash; which she wrote herself &mdash; vows of love from the heart, I distinctly heard snickering. I glanced behind me and there was Lilith, her fingers pressed hard against her lips, her body shaking like a paint mixer.<i>The doorbell rings.<i>
  - All right, now, now, there she is. All right, now &mdash; now listen, it's just one evening out of your life. Will you at least try to be civil? 
- - All right, but I refuse to be warm.<i>Frasier goes to the door, and glances back to make sure everything is O.K. Niles and Martin are standing uncomfortably side by side. Frasier opens the door. There is Lilith, much as we remember her &mdash; hair done up in a bun, pale complexion, and a conservative but elegant dress. However, she is smiling, and maybe a little nervous.<i>
  - Hello, Lilith. 
- - Frasier.
  - Please come in.<i>She steps in. They start to shake hands, then decide to hug.</i>
- - Frasier, I like what you've done with your apartment.
  - Thank you. 
- - You have beautiful things.
  - The settlement is final, Lilith.<i>Lilith sits on the couch. Eddie jumps up beside her.</i>
- - Go away.<i>Eddie jumps off the couch and runs away.<i>
  - Why does he listen to you, and not to me? 
- - By the tone of my voice, he senses I mean business.
  - Oh, I see. You're saying your voice is more commanding than mine is? 
- - Oh, hello &mdash; I've never had a throbbing like this!
  - Daphne, um, this is my ex-wife, Dr. Lilith Sternin. Lilith, this is Daphne Moon, my dad's physical therapist.<i>Daphne and Lilith shake hands.</i>
- - Frasier, how'd you let ever this little peach get away?
  - Well, I think dinner's just about ready. Why don't we move to the table.<i>Lilith and Martin get up and sit at the dinner table. Niles also comes back and sits down.</i>
- - Every day after lunch they go for a nature walk. Unfortunately, Frederick is allergic to seven different varieties of ivy, so he has to wear long sleeves, and long pants... a bonnet with a net on it.
  - Boy, I sure hope the other campers don't make fun of him. 
- - Not much. <i>gets up<i> In fact, I'm going to bed. Goodnight.
  - Goodnight, Dad. 
- - Oh, well, if you don't need me any longer, I think I'll be shuffling off as well.
  - Well, goodnight. 
- - Well, I guess I'll say my goodbyes as well. Goodnight, Frasier. <i>ignores Lilith<i>
  - Oh, this is ridiculous! Listen, Lilith, uh, Niles is upset because you snickered at Maris's wedding vows. 
- - <i>overjoyed<i> Oh, Lilith, thank you! <i>hugs her tight<i> Oh, this bad blood between us has gone on far too long! Next time you're in town, we'll have dinner, just you and me!<i>Niles leaves. Lilith looks at Frasier.<i>
  - He doesn't get that kind of validation at home, you see. 
- - Well, it's just the two of us.
  - Yes. It's the first time we've been alone together since the lawyers put us in that room and said, "Don't come out until there's some resolution." 
- - Yes, well, this was nice.
  - Yes it was, wasn't it?<i>They go out onto the balcony.</i> 
- - You have a beautiful view.
  - Well, it's a beautiful city. I hope you enjoy your convention. 
- - Oh, for God's sake, Frasier. There is no convention. I'm here because of the letter.
  - The letter? What letter? 
- - <i>reading<i> "My darling, how could a love like ours have fallen so far from grace? There must be some part of your heart that still resounds to the rhythm of my own. I fear that I'll be lost without you. As long as we have love, love will keep us together." Aside from the shameless pilfering from the Captain and Tenille, I was moved by your entreaty. I felt the same way, and yet I felt the need to create this pretense of arriving here for a convention, because I was still torn and unable to commit myself. But seeing you now, I realize how much I've missed you.
  - Lilith, I did write that letter, and I did leave it in the apartment, but... 
- - Yes?
  - It wasn't last month. It was nearly a year ago. It's before I moved to Seattle. You just found it now? 
- - <i>deflated<i> It had fallen behind the dresser.
  - Well, I see the cleaning service is still doing its usual bang-up job.<i>In a hurry, Lilith grabs her coat and purse.</i> 
- - Well, don't I feel like the perfect fool?
  - Listen, Lilith&mdash; 
- - Here I am, humiliated, emotionally drained, and I've used up all my frequent flier miles!
  - Lilith, please! 
- - Didn't the Captain and Tenille sing this?
  - Like they own those five words! You know, I-I got over her, I moved out here. She comes back and I wonder if I made the right decision. I did write that letter. 
- - It appears you have come to some sort of a crossroads.
  - Oh, that's a nice tidy little way of saying I'm in hell. Niles, I have a life here that suits me, and yet I can't help wondering if there is still some chance for reconciliation, if it's worth exploring the feelings that&mdash;that I'm feeling. Do you think I should see her again tonight? 
- - Frasier, like most patients who come to a therapist, you already know the answer to the question you're posing. You just want me to agree with your decision and support you whether I share your opinion or not.
  - Yes, but I don't have an opinion in this case. 
- - I'm sure you do.
  - But I don't. 
- - Well, then I can't help you.
  - All right, all right. I think in my soul, I'm leaning toward taking the next step and, uh, seeing if there's anything... there. 
- - That is what you should do. 
  - Why? 
- - You know why.
  - Damn it, Niles! 
- - Frasier, you know why.<i>Beat. Niles looks at Frasier expectantly.<i>
  - All right. We have a long history together, we-we have a son that we both adore. There were some good times, and when they were good... Hoo-ah! 
- - Well, it seems our minds are pretty well made up, aren't they?
  - Yes, they are. Thank you, Niles. I don't know what I'd do without you. 
- - Frasier, come in.
  - I must be early, I see you haven't had a chance to put up your hair yet. 
- - Oh, I thought I'd leave it down tonight.
  - <i>surprised</i> Really? 
- - Yes, after several hours of careful deliberation, and weighing all the consequences, I decided to be playful. I'm glad you invited me to dinner.
  - Well, how could I not? I felt so awful about last night. You see, I just thought you'd read the letter long ago and ignored it. 
- - No explanation necessary. It was a simple misunderstanding.
  - O.K. Well, I know a great little French bistro just around the corner&mdash; 
- - Uh, Frasier? Before we go anywhere, I would just like to go on record as saying that, regardless of everything that's happened, I respect you for getting on with your life as successfully as you have.
  - Well, I'd like to say that I feel the same way about you. Frederick is flourishing, and I'm sure that's in no small part due to you. 
- - <i>touched<i> Oh, thank you. That means a great deal to me.
  - <i>helping her into her coat</i> Geez, do you realize that's the first pleasant thing we've said to each other in almost a year? 
- - You're right.
  - <i>stops</i> You know, I'm suddenly quite moved. 
- - I am too.
  - Would it be a dreadful contretemps if I kissed you right now? 
- - You can always try.<i>She turns around, and puts her arms around his neck. They kiss. As the kiss gets deeper, he drops her coat to the floor.<i>
  - You want to bag dinner? 
- - There's a bed and an honor bar, what more do we need?
  - Come to me, my white-hot flame!<i>She jumps into his arms, and he carries her over to the bed.</i> 
- - I was insane to divorce you!
  - Oh God, you're in my thoughts every waking hour! 
- - You're the only man I've ever loved!
  - So are you!<i>FADE TO </i>
- - Good morning.
  - Jolly good morning to you, too. 
- - I could stay like this all morning.
  - Me, too. <i>checks his watch</i> 
- - I'm so glad I decided to take the chance and fly out here to be with you.
  - Yes, me too, me too.<i>Someone knocks on the door. </i> 
- - You should be. You were a busy boy.<i>Frasier smiles, then smoothes his hair and opens the door. A room service waiter comes in with a breakfast cart.<i>
  - Hi. Waiter Good morning, sir.
- - Indeed.<i>She starts to inspect the breakfast.<i>
  - And &mdash; I mean, it's not that we were overly impulsive or anything, or that what we did was wrong, I just&mdash; 
- - This is a mistake.
  - Oh, thank God you said that! Oh, it's not that last night wasn't very enjoyable, but who are we kidding? You've gotten on with your life, I've gotten on with mine! I've got a new career, I've reestablished relationships with my family, I've got a whole new set of friends &mdash; for the first time in years, I'm happy! I mean, for us to even consider getting back together &mdash; it's just the stupidest thing two people could do! 
- - <i>staring at him with horror<i> I meant the eggs. I ordered poached, not fried.
  - <i>trying to cover</i> Well, you didn't let me finish, you see... after I played Devil's advocate, I&mdash; 
- - Oh, Frasier, don't insult me! That's how you really feel, isn't it?
  - I'm afraid so.<i>Lilith begins to cry.</i>
- - I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at me. I don't even know what I'm doing here! I've just been so lonely over the last year, and when I found your letter, it was &mdash; it was like a life preserver! I'm raising a child alone. I'm scared. I always thought of myself as a strong and independent person, but the truth is, I'm afraid. I guess that's why I convinced myself that I was still in love with you.
  - You mean you're not? 
- - No, I'm not.
  - Well, that's good. So then what happened last night was only because you were lonely, and I was&mdash; 
- - We all know what you were, Frasier.<i>She starts to cry harder.<i>
  - Oh, Lilith, Lilith, here, here, come with me here. <i>guides her to the mirror</i> Now, listen, look in there, tell me what you see. <i>she can't say anything</i> All right, I'll tell you what I see. I see the same strong-willed, dynamic, intelligent woman I married seven years ago. Listen, you're just suffering a temporary lapse &mdash; divorce does that to you. <i>turns her around to face him</i> Listen, I won't say anything as trite as "someday you'll find someone." But I know this I know you, and I know that no matter what the future holds in store for you, you'll handle it.<i>She smiles and kisses his cheek.</i> 
- - Thank you, Frasier.
  - You hungry? 
- - Yeah.
  - O.K.<i>Frasier goes to the cart and starts setting places at the coffee table. </i> 
- - You always knew how to buck me up when I was blue.
  - Yeah, well, you know you helped me through some hard times yourself. 
- - You know, those married years weren't all bad. We did have some good moments.
  - The best one was Frederick. <i>he takes her hand</i> We'll always have that.<i>She smiles, and brings her food to the table.</i>
- - They screwed up the toast, too, I ordered rye.
  - Lilith?<i>She gives him a sly look that helps us understand why he fell for her in the first place. They start to eat breakfast.</i>
- - <i>v.o.<i> Well, I had a really good year. I decided hey, why not reward myself? So I bought what I really wanted - a forty- eight foot cabin cruiser. Want to know how much it cost me? I'll tell you how much it cost me three hundred grand, not to mention the twenty thou for the custom teak decking. Now, here's my problem the wife wants to call this incredible vessel <i>Lulubelle<i>, after her mother. <i>Lulubelle<i>! So I say, "no, we call it the <i>Intrepid<i>." So what do you think it should be called? <i>Lulubelle<i> or the <i>Intrepid<i>?
  - <i>after a beat</i> Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now... I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call. <i>Roz enters and hands him a piece of paper.</i> 
- - What is the big deal? All the other personalities do them. 
  - The other personalities aren't doctors. If I allow myself to become a common pitchman, I lose all my credibility. I am a wise man, a shaman. 
- - Whoa, Doc! This is a radio studio, not a bus terminal.
  - Look who's here, Roz. Noel Coward. 
- - No problem. Doc, doc, with all due respect, you're an idiot. These promos are easy money.
  - The money is irrelevant. It's a question of integrity.
- - Integrity? <i>raps on Frasier's forehead<i> Hello? We're talking <i>mucho dinero<i>. But hey, the more you turn these down, the more liver snacks for the Bulldog. <i>goes into recording booth<i>
  - <i>reading a piece of paper from Roz's desk</i> What is this with my name on it here, Roz? 
- - Oh, that's the contract for the "Hunan Palace" gig. It's how much they were going to pay you.
  - Wow. 
- - I guess I need to have them change the name on here to Bulldog's.
  - They pay you that much money just to read some copy? 
- - He didn't think that was funny, and he knows where you sleep.
  - Dad, Daphne, a situation has arisen over at work and uh, I'm not sure how it should be handled. I was hoping maybe your objective viewpoint could uh, be helpful. 
- - Sure, shoot.
  - Well, what would you think if I did a commercial and publicly endorsed a product? 
- - Oh, you mean like Cher does?
  - Thank you Daphne, one against. Dad? 
- - What's the product?
  - Well, the station wanted me to do a commercial for a Chinese restaurant. 
- - Well, what's the problem?
  - Well, I hold a position of trust in this community, and people do what I tell them to, and I would hate to be accused of abusing that position. The thought of a doctor selling things is kind of distasteful, don't you think? 
- - What about Dr. Sneezy's cold medicine?
  - Dr. Sneezy is a cartoon character. The fact that he's a giant purple hippopotamus should have probably tipped you off. 
- - Dr. Crane, you've dedicated your live to helping people, haven't you?
  - Well, yes. 
- - I say take the money and run.
  - Well, you know, I'm tempted, if for no other reason than to keep Bulldog from further alienating the Asian-American community. I just want to make sure I don't compromise my principles. 
- - Yeah. By the way, "yen" is Japanese, not Chinese.
  - Well... Did I tell you, I got a call from the owners of the Hunan Palace the other day, they said that since I started doing these commercials their business had gone up by 30 percent. 
- - Well, isn't that what advertising is supposed to do?
  - Yes it is, Miss Sour-Britches, give me a little credit. My God, I've pleased the boys upstairs, I've gotten perfect strangers to try a new restaurant, and most importantly, I've helped a struggling immigrant family who came to these shores a mere twelve years ago, with nothing more than a dream, a few recipes, and a wok.<i>Frasier exits into corridor to find a woman (Bebe) waiting for him.</i> 
- - Dr. Crane? What a privilege this is.
  - Excuse me? 
- - Bebe Glaser. I'm Bulldog Briscoe's agent.
  - Ah. Ah, well. Pleasure meeting you. 
- - Listen. I'm not usually this forward, but I'm going to come right out and say it. I've done some research and I know you're not represented by anyone, how would you feel about signing on with me as a client? If your answer is no, it won't hurt my feelings.
  - Well, I really don't think so. 
- - <i>sorrowfully<i> Why?
  - It's not that I'm not flattered, Miss Glaser, but umm... you see, I'm not really a radio personality per se. 
- - Oh come on, Dr. Crane, I've heard those spots you've done for that Chinese restaurant, you make me want to stuff my face full of egg rolls and... I don't know what.
  - Thank you. Uh... but I, you see, I dine at the Hunan Palace frequently, and uh, that's the only reason I did those commercials. 
- - The last thing I would ever want you to do is to advertise something you don't believe in. I am an agent, not a pimp.
  - Well, I don't mean to offend... 
- - Are you kidding? You're terrific, you can't offend me. Let me just leave you with my card.
  - Well, I really don't think that's necessary. 
- - <i>snatches card back<i> Give me back my card. I will not let you call me. It is too refreshing to meet someone who isn't seduced by the almighty dollar. I would refuse your call. <i>checks watch<i> Ah, I've got to go. Flying to Palo Alto, my daughter's at Stanford. <i>starts to leave<i> Ah, wait. You don't have kids, do you?
  - Well yes, I have a five year-old son. 
- - Lucky you, you won't have to worry about it for years. <i>starts to leave again<i>
  - Worry about what? 
- - <i>returns<i> Tuition, innocent. Oh wait, I see. You're going to send him to a state college.
  - Well no, no. I plan to send him to my alma mater, Harvard. 
- - Ouch! Kiss it and make it better. Have you seen Business Week's projection for college costs in the year 2010? <i>gives a small, high pitched squeal<i> Oh! I've got to go, that plane is not going to wait for little Bebe. <i>walks off again<i>
  - Well, you know, maybe we should talk, sometime. 
- - Let's talk now. <i>comes back<i> I think I can die peacefully without seeing the first half of the Stanford-Cal game. <i>they walk off arm in arm<i>
  - You see, it's not that I object to doing commercials, it's just that I would have to try a product first before I could endorse it. 
- - Tell me again why I'm here?
  - Because if I do the commercial I have to say that my friends and family enjoy this, and I won't say it unless it's true. 
- - I feel kind of silly sitting here in the showroom.
  - Well I apologize for that, but it's the best place to try one. So, tell me the truth. Aren't you two enjoying this? 
- - Well, I do like the bubbles. It's a little like sitting in hot champagne. Not that I've done that very much.
  - Dad, did you know that this unit is made from the same heat resistant space-age polymer that's used on the NASA space shuttles? 
- - Great. Next time I'm re-entering the earth's atmosphere in a hot tub I won't have to worry.
  - Well? Do you like it? 
- - ...I have to admit, it's making my hip feel a little better.
  - That's all I needed to hear. My friends like it, my family likes it - I like it. I can do the commercial and Frederick can go to Harvard. <i>a man walks into the showroom</i> Oh my god! Isn't that Dave Hendler from our building? You know, he's the head of the Seattle Psychiatric Association. <i>He takes a big breath and ducks under the water</i> 
- - ...and you'll like it too. And if you act quickly, you'll receive a complimentary scum guard. So hurry down to your Redwood Hot-tub dealer. Say Frasier Crane sent you.
  - <i>turns off recording</i> Well? What do you think? 
- - I could almost smell the chlorine.
  - Dad? How about you? 
- - <i>leaving<i> I liked it.
  - Really? 
- - Yeah. I liked it.
  - You really, really like it? 
- - No, I liked it.
  - Well, what was wrong with it? 
- - Nothing.
  - You hated it, didn't you? 
- - Hello, darling. <i>enters<i>
  - Bebe. 
- - First off, <i>mea culpa<i> for dropping by unannounced, but you are going to kiss me when you hear what I've done for you. <i>She notices Daphne and jumps to the wrong conclusion.<i> 
  - Oh... hello. 
- - Hi.
  - Oh, no no no no no. Bebe, this is Daphne Moon, my father's physical therapist. <i>Bebe laughs, as if to say "the very idea."</i> Well, I believe I was about to kiss you for something. 
- - Well, today I got a very attractive offer for you to be a product spokesman, and we know they're serious because it's pay or play.
  - Ooh... <i><i>he says to cover his bafflement</i></i> 
- - Well, listen to this one.
  - How do you know that? 
- - Well, I must confess, there is a chapter of my life I haven't told you or your father about. Back when I was twelve, I starred in a television show in England. Well, I'll leave you to your business. <i>makes to escape<i>
  - Daphne, Daphne, just get back here. You what? 
- - I starred in a TV series. It was quite popular in its day, maybe you've heard of it? "Mind Your Knickers"? It was about a group of high-spirited, ethnically diverse twelve-year-olds in a girls' private boarding school. I played Emma, the short, spunky one. Of course, by the end of the series, I was sixteen, five foot ten, and they had me boozies bound up tighter than a mummy. Well, I'm off. <i>leaves<i>
  - The woman is like an artichoke. You just peel away one astounding leaf after another. Well anyway, back to business. What have you got for me? 
- - <i>producing tin of nuts<i> Voila. Emery's Nuts.
  - Oh, dear. Oh, I can't endorse these. 
- - Why not?
  - Well, for one thing I don't like them, and they're sixty percent fat, they're laced with salt and they wreak havoc with my diverticulitis. 
- - Of course they do, they're nuts.
  - I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't. 
- - Well... then I will just tell them they can take their five figure deal and find someone else.
  - Five figures? 
- - Didn't I mention, precious? This is for television, the big kahuna.
  - Television? 
- - Well, I understand if you have a problem.
  - Well I-I... I don't mean to be difficult, I do have my standards, you know? I only endorse things that I like or... or I think are therapeutic, like the hot-tub. 
- - Let me pinch you, you're not real! 
  - Well... 
- - Finally, a script. Thanks, Jeff. <i>hands it to Frasier<i> Seen it already, you're going to love it.
  - <i>reading</i> "Two nuts are arguing with each other." That's cute. "�I'm a nut.' �No, I'm a nut!'" Ha, that's funny. Ah... "�Hold it, you're both nuts. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, noted psychiatrist, and I know a nut when I see one.'" Hmm, I just, I don't know abut that line. 
- - Oh, what's wrong? It's a scream.
  - Yes, but it... it may be a scream, but it, it's... what's the word I'm looking for? 
- - What? "Tuition?!" "Retirement beach house?!" <i>calms down<i> I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, it's just that I want so much for you.
  - Bebe, I don't want to get a reputation for being difficult, but I... I'm just not comfortable with this line. 
- - Frasier? Frasier, Frasier. How long have we been together?
  - Six days. 
- - Do you think I would ever have you do something that you were uncomfortable with? What makes this so wonderful is that you're spoofing yourself, you're showing that psychiatrists can be loose, you're making shrinks more accessible to the average person.
  - So what you're saying is that I would be doing psychiatry a service by doing this commercial? 
- - You have a way of cutting through the baloney that knocks me out cold.
  - <i>reading</i> Oh, dear. What does this mean? "Frasier comes out of his shell."<i>Bebe notices two stagehands pulling on set a giant monkey nut,and swivels Frasier's chair round so he can't see it, B.S.-ingas she does so.</i> 
- - It is a... technical term. It's a light... a lighting thing. You, you see, you come out of your shadow, or your shell, into the light.
  - <i>in awe</i> I have so much to learn about this business.<i>FADE TO</i>
- - Why do you have that ridiculous tissue around your neck?
  - Well, they didn't tell me I could take it off, so I kept it on. 
- - Oh, silly me. Here I thought it was just a means to attract attention, to have people come up to you and say, "Are you an actor?" thus affording you the opportunity to say yes, you are indeed an actor, and then proceed to crow, gloat and strut in a way you could not otherwise do.
  - And the reason you have "SHRINK" on your license plate would be...? Niles, listen. I've got to do this commercial in half an hour and... I just don't think I can go through with it, I'm afraid that I'm compromising my integrity as a psychiatrist. 
- - Why do you feel like that?
  - Well, for one thing my co-stars are dressed up as an almond and a walnut. Now listen Niles, I've... I need your guidance. 
- - Frasier, I don't see this as a problem.
  - You don't think this is the selling out of Frasier Crane? 
- - Oh, certainly not. You sold out a long time ago. You know, the moment you agreed to do that call-in show, you sold out.
  - Oh, Niles. You are such a purist. Granted, I can't do the kind of in-depth analysis one can with a single patient, but my show helps literally thousands of people a day. 
- - Let's face it, Frasier, you talk about wanting to safeguard your professional dignity, but the first time you went on the air, you got out of medicine and into showbiz. You're no different from that movie star who let everybody look up her skirt in that film, and then did nothing but complain that nobody took her seriously as an actress.
  - Well, that has nothing to do with this! 
- - Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video and, I don't mind telling you, we pushed our beds together that night! <i>pause<i> And that was no mean feat. Her room, as you know, is across the hall.
  - Niles, will you just tell me, would you do it? 
- - A nude scene? I suppose if it were integral to the plot...
  - Not a nude scene! Would you do this commercial? 
- - Oh, certainly not, I'm a respected psychiatrist. <i>looks at watch, then stands<i> 
  - So what you're saying is that I shouldn't do it. 
- - What are you still doing up? <i>sees Frasier rewinding the video<i> Oh geez, you're not watching the tape of that dumb commercial again!
  - I can't get it off my mind. Did I do the right thing? 
- - Of course you did. Freddie's gonna thank you for it.
  - Here, watch it with me one more time.<i>He starts the video. The commercial consists of two nuts arguinguntil the monkey nut opens up, revealing... Dr. Joyce Brothers.</i> 
- - Stop! You're both nuts! I'm noted psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers and I'm here to tell you that I'm just crazy about Emery's Nuts. So if you're crazy about nuts too, pick up a can of Emery's today. Emery's - the nut lover's nut.
  - <i>switching off video</i> I suppose you're right, dad. Freddie will thank me. Dr. Joyce is his favorite psychologist. 
- - You know, Dr. Joyce is pretty good. I remember her from "Hollywood Squares." She was always under Charlie Weaver. <i>As they head for bed<i>
  - No, no. Charlie Weaver was always on the bottom. 
- - No, I don't think so. Let's see, Paul Lynn was in the middle, George Goldblum was under him, and... where was Wally Cox?
  - Wally Cox. Uh, upper left, next to Rosemarie Dubarr. 
- - We have Gary from Issiqua on line two. He and his wife had a big fight.
  - Sorry to hear that, Gar. I'm listening. 
- - <i>v.o.<i> Well, y'see, Dr. Crane, my wife is hell-bent on going to Italy this year.
  - Ahh, Italia - the rolling hills of Toscana, the art of Firenze, the passion that is Venizia... 
- - <i>over his head<i> Yeah, well, anyway - I like taking vacations as much as the next guy but I say that, if we dip into our savings, I think the first thing we should buy is a new sump-pump for the basement. At least with that-
  - <i>interrupting</i> Oh, listen, Gary. Let me stop you right there. I'm afraid I'm going to have to side with your wife on this one. 
- - But the trip to Italy costs eighteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't include the "Splendours of the Vatican" package.
  - Gary, there is more to life than sump-pumps. Whatever happened to feeding our souls? Look, for example, I recently purchased a painting by one of this country's premier artists&mdash; oh, it's not important who. Well, it's Seattle's own Martha Paxton, but... Practical? No. But ever since acquiring that painting, I look at it every day and there's not a moment when I do that I'm not uplifted by its beauty. So Gary, go to Italy, bring back a suitcase full of memories. Will you do that? 
- - I still think I should get the sump-pump.
  - <i>contemptuous</i> Well then, yes, Gary, you... you should get the sump-pump! We'll be right back after this newsbreak.<i>Frasier is now off-air and moves through to Roz in the control booth.</i>
- - If you need one, you'll know. Listen, do you really own a Paxton or were you just blowing sunshine up old Gary's skirt?
  - Yes indeed, I do own a Paxton. 
- - Well, you'll be pleased to know that she's on line three. <i>holds up the phone<i>
  - <i>gasps and snatches the phone</i> My God, Roz, she's the preeminent Neofauvist of the twentieth century! How could you put her on hold? 
- - Well, the phone rang and I pushed the little button-<i>He gestures for her to push the little button again.<i>
  - Yes, hello, Miss Paxton. I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting. Well, thank you. I'm very flattered that you listen to my little show. Yes, well, yes, I meant every word. Yes, that's lovely, I'd like to meet you, too sometime. <i>sudden thought</i> As a matter of fact, I'm having a few friends over for a little gathering this Friday night, for cocktails and such. Well, I suppose you're far too busy to... you would! Oh, that's marvelous. Alright, that's the Elliot Bay towers on the Counterbalance. Around seven is just fine. And, well, I'll see then then. <i>Ciao!</i> <i>hangs up</i> 
- - Well, my theory on death is first you're whisked down a long dark tunnel towards a beautiful white light; you suddenly get all the jokes you never got before, you let out a little chuckle, and then you die!<i>The clique laughs.<i>
  - That's a delightful story, Daphne, but I think the toast points need replenishing. 
- - <i>hops down<i> Enchanting, just enchanting.
  - My God, Niles, why is no-one eating the Mussoline of Duck?<i>Eddie hops onto the chair and starts eating it.</i>
- - Well, now we know why.<i>Frasier tidies up the duck and nervously licks his fingers clean.<i>
  - Look, Niles, the dog is eating the food, the pianist is too intrusive, the Pinot Noir is far too stagey and it's five past seven and Martha isn't even here yet! 
- - I'm not going to have to sedate you, am I?
  - No, I'm just a bit on edge, I want everything to be so perfect. <i>pause</i> By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night. 
- - She's on your bed.
  - My bed? 
- - Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.
  - Niles, she's supposed to be looking after dad. That's the only reason you're here, remember? 
- - Dad is in the bathroom - don't worry.<i>Doorbell rings.<i>
  - That must be la Paxton - and fashionably late, of course. <i>He opens the door. It's Roz.</i> 
- - I look like crap - I've got a spot on my dress, I over-plucked one eyebrow and the crotch of my pantyhose is creeping down to my knees.<i>To Frasier's horror she squats behind the table next to the couch and pulls them up.<i>
  - Couldn't you have just done that in the elevator? <i>takes her coat</i> Oh, my goodness, Roz, you've got a neck. Gee, so what do you think of the place? Is it everything you imagined it would be? 
- - Well, to be frank, Frasier, I don't spend my idle hours imagining how you live. But I did expect lots of beige and, look, I was right.
  - Would you like a drink? 
- - So, Frasier, which one is your dad?
  - Oh, well, he's the older gentleman over there talking to Bethany van Pelt, showing her the photographs. <i>realises</i> Oh my God!<i>He rushes over to them.</i> 
- - <i>re photos<i> ...and when we finally got to her it was only hanging by two tendons.
  - <i>to Bethany, who looks ill</i> Would you excuse us, please? <i>leads his dad away</i> Dad, will you stop showing these crime scene photos? You're embarrassing me. 
- - Oh, these society people eat this up. Besides, she was the one that brought it up.
  - Oh, she brought it up? Bethany van Pelt - the head of the Junior League - brought up the subject of a hooker whose body was hideously dismembered and scattered all over an abandoned warehouse. 
- - Yeah, she asked, "aren't these Swedish meatballs the messiest things you've ever seen?" and I said, "no, as a matter of fact"-
  - Dad, dad, please! 
- - Alright, alright, but stop shadowing me. I don't need a nursemaid.
  - Alright, if you give me your word, that's good enough for me. <i>He passes Niles, who is following Daphne out of the kitchen.</i>
- - Dr. Crane? I'm Martha Paxton.
  - Of course, who else could you be? Welcome to my salon. <i>loudly</i> Everyone, everyone, your attention, please. I'd like you all to welcome our guest of honour, the renowned artist - Martha Paxton.<i>The guests applaud.</i>
- - No, no, no, no, I never take it off at parties. It gives me an excuse not to shake hands with people.
  - Oh, how delightfully eccentric! You must meet my brother, Niles. Oh, Niles? 
- - Now, where did you hang my painting? I'm always curious to know how people live with my work.
  - Live with my work" - I love that phrase. If you would, right this way, please. <i>leads her towards the centre of the room</i> I think this is the perfect spot for an ideal viewing. Oh God, I've waited so long for this moment - I'm just going to stand back and let you describe your work - Elegy in Green"&mdash; in your own words. The way you insinuate the palette but never lean on it, you capture the <i>zeitgeist</i> of our generation. It is the most perfect canvas it has ever my privilege to gaze upon. I mean, one can only imagine what inspired you to paint it. 
- - I didn't paint it.<i>A murmur passes through the crowd.<i>
  - <i>fighting panic</i> Of course you didn't. You-you created it, you gave birth to it. 
- - I really liked your friend Roz. 
  - What? 
- - Roz, at the party tonight. Nice gal. Why don't you ask her out? She's great-looking and she can really hold her liquor.
  - Dad, do you mind? I've just suffered the most humiliating evening of my life. I've been been made a fool of by this, this, this... thing. <i>gestures towards the painting</i> 
- - You know, I may be just a girl from Manchester but, I have to tell you, even though it's not a Paxton, I really like that picture. I liked it the minute I saw it. I liked it even before I knew who Martha Paxton was. And quite frankly, I don't think that woman bathes.
  - Well, enjoy it while you can because, first thing in the morning, this is going back to the dealer where I bought it. I'm demanding my money back - no-one is going to take advantage of Frasier Crane. 
- - You know, listen, Frasier. You're kind of upset about this, maybe I should return it for you.
  - Well, Dad, I appreciate the gesture but, really, what do you know about the art world? 
- - I can see the love in your eyes. You must have this painting.
  - Are you the owner?
- - Yes, I am. Phillip Hayson. <i>they shake hands<i>
  - How do you do, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. I happen - 
- - No, not <i>the<i> Dr. Frasier Crane. From the radio? 
  - Guilty. Yes, but - 
- - My wife and I love your show! Could I have your autograph before you go?
  - It would be my pleasure but, speaking of autographs, I have a small problem with this painting. <i>holds up painting</i>
- - I'm really distressed to hear that. Would you like a glass of wine?
  - Well, actually I -
- - My wife and I toured the Loire valley last year and we couldn't resist buying four cases of this. <i>opens the bottle and pours Frasier a glass<i> It's really quite extraordinary - I hope you like it. 
  - Well, I'd really rather not have any wine at this moment -<i>Phillip lets Frasier taste the wine.</i>
- - Very well. Would you like some more?
  - No, no, no, thank you. I'd... getting back to my problem - I recently gave a small but elegant soiree at which Martha Paxton was in attendance, you see. She told me that this painting was not her work. 
- - Oh dear, I can imagine how embarrassing that must have been.
  - I doubt you can, Mr. Hayson.
- - Oh, I remember - 
  - Yes, I'm sure she was but, you see, it's <i>not</i> a Paxton!
- - But it says right here that it <i>is<i> a Paxton. The signature is here. <i>The three bend to point at the signature<i>
  - Martha Paxton says that it is not a Paxton.
- - Oh, Martha, how is the old dear? Her and I go back a long way, is she still-? <i>makes a gesture to his hair - a reference to Paxton's baldness<i>
  - As a Crenshaw melon, yes.
- - Would you like a little more wine?
  - No, I don't want any wine. I want to discuss this painting.
- - So would I. Maybe some brie? <i>Ronald and Diane disappear<i>
  - No, I don't want any brie! I want my money back.
- - Oh, well, that's where things might get a bit... prickly. You see, we have a strict policy here at the Hayson gallery - all sales are final. 
  - But, in this case, you're willing to make an exception.
- - Oh, I'd love to, but I can't.
  - Yes, but it's a forgery.
- - Well, if it is, it's a damn good one. <i>laughs<i>
  - Alright, alright, I'm going to make this simple - I want my money.
- - I'm sure you do.
  - Oh, I know what you're doing - you're "handling" me. You're agreeing with everything I say hoping I'll tire and go away.
- - Whatever you say.
  - I don't believe it! You're shining me on. You are shining me on! Where is the fairness of this, where is the justice?!
- - What are you still doing with that? I thought you were going to return it.
  - They wouldn't take it back. All I got was some attitude and a cheap glass of wine - Loire valley, my ass. 
- - What are you going to do now?
  - Well, they've forced my hand. I'm going to call the police. <i>picks up the phone</i> 
- - Five-five-five three thousand.
  - Thanks, Dad. Try to mess with Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll teach them. <i>into phone</i> Hello, yes. Oh, just a second. <i>to Martin</i> Dad, who do I ask for? 
- - Have them put you through to the fine arts forgery department.
  - <i>into phone</i> Hello, yes, the fine arts forgery department, please. <i>At the table, Martin hides his grin while Frasier gets a sour look.</i>
- - <i>chuckling<i> Give me the phone. <i>Frasier does<i> Hi, who's this? Hey, Doris. Yeah, Marty Crane. Yeah, that was my son. Yeah, I just thought he needed a bite of a reality sandwich. Yeah, yeah, give my best to the guys. Thanks. Bye. <i>hangs up<i>
  - What was that? 
- - Frasier, the boys downtown have their hands full of murders and robberies - they don't have time for this artsy-fartsy stuff.
  - Yes, Dad, but what am I supposed to do? I've been cheated!<i>Niles and Daphne emerge from Frasier's bedroom, both are disheveled and appear straightening their clothes.</i>
- - Maris lost her earring at the party last night. Daphne was good enough to crawl under the bed to look for it while I...
  - <i>long and low</i> Yeeeess? 
- - Maybe I'll go check in the hallway. It might have gotten trampled into the carpet when everybody stampeded for the elevator.
  - No one stampeded! They were all just good guests, they knew when to leave. 
- - Two hours early. <i>laughs<i>
  - Oh, shut up, Niles! 
- - <i>sees the painting<i> Oh, I see. Am I to ascribe this foul mood to the fact that you were unable to unload the bogus Paxton?
  - Yes. Gee, I know, Niles. What is the name of that really vicious lawyer that you use? 
- - Which one, the one I used to sue the contractor or the one I used to sue the personal trainer?
  - Well, the meanest. 
- - Uh, that would be the second one. I used him to sue the first one.
  - Right. <i>picks up the phone</i> Ah, just give me his number, will you? 
- - He's right about that.
  - <i>replaces the phone</i> God, I hate laywers! 
- - Oh, me too. <i>sits down on the couch<i> But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.
  - Say, I know, I know. I can use my radio show - why didn't I think of this earlier? I can use my bully pulpit to expose that man for the fraud that he is! 
- - Now, Frasier, that's slander. He'll sue you for everything you've got.
  - Damn it, Niles, where is the justice? Where am I supposed to turn to? I'm a, a beloved household personality and I've been screwed! <i>gestures at the painting</i> 
- - <i>as he returns from the kitchen<i> For God's sake, Frasier, you're forty-one years old. It's time you learned something the system ain't perfect. Sometimes the bad guy wins. And all those things you thought would be around to help you, the courts and the police department? Well, sometimes they're just not there when you need them. So you can either let it eat a hole in your stomach, or you can just file it away under the heading, "Sometimes Life Sucks." <i>exits to his room<i>
  - <i>shouts after him</i> Yeah well, that file's getting pretty thick!<i>Niles returns from the bar with two sherries. He hands one to Frasier.</i>
- - <i>through car window<i> Get in the car.
  - Niles, what the hell are you doing here? 
- - Stopping you from doing something really stupid. Now get in the car.
  - I will not! Niles, look, I know this is wrong but I don't care! It's the only thing left for me! 
- - Alright, Frasier. <i>steps out of the car; Frasier retreats<i> Frasier, just give me the brick and no one will get hurt.
  - Why don't you just go away? This is no concern of yours. 
- - Yes, it is.
  - How? 
- - Remember that day in junior high school when somebody took all my clothes while I was in the shower, right after gym class? They hung them from the goalpost on the football field. I had no choice but to get a ladder and climb up there wearing nothing but a towel, wet and shivering. Then the towel fell off! There I was - your little brother, hanging naked from a goal post, and everyone was standing around laughing, and all Coach Medwick would do was stand there going- <i>holds his arms up to imitate the gesture<i> whatever that means.<i>N.B. In American football, the signal - raising the arms to vertical and then dropping them to a "Y" position - means "field goal!" when a player scores by kicking the ball over and through the goal post.<i>
  - Niles, why are you telling me this? 
- - Because - I was so humiliated, I went home, I cried my eyes out, I swore I would get even. I was just about to put sugar into Coach Medwick's gas tank... and you stopped me. Remember what you said? "If you act like a barbarian, you will become a barbarian."
  - I said that? 
- - Give me the brick, Frasier.
  - <i>frustrated</i> And let him get away with this?! 
- - I know, I know! What the gallery owner did to you was wrong, it was humiliating. But if you throw that brick through that window, you will have lost something more valuable than your money. You will have lost... your mind. Frasier, you can't do this!
  - Well, Niles, if you were strong enough to show restraint after so much humiliation, not to mention the nicknames. 
- - <i>as if remembering<i> Nicknames. <i>then<i> There were nicknames?
  - Oh, you didn't know that? Oh dear God, yes. Uh, "Peachfuzz," "Jingle Bells" - I can't remember the rest. 
- - Peachfuzz?
  - Yes, I believe Coach Medwick made that one up himself. <i>hands Niles the brick</i> Well, anyway, here you are. I won't be needing this anymore. 
- - I'm proud of you.<i>Frasier heads towards the car but Niles does not join him. Instead, he cocks his arm and hurls the brick through the gallery window,shattering it with a loud crash. As the alarm sounds, Niles throws his hands up in a gesture reminiscient of the Coach Medwick signal.<i>
  - <i>shouts above the alarm</i> My God, Niles! What are you, what have you done?! 
- - <i>proud<i> I've struck a blow for justice! Nobody calls me "Peachfuzz." Now let's get the hell out of here. <i>They both run to the car, but as Frasier dashes to the passenger side, Niles stops and runs back to the window with his wallet out.<i>
  - Niles, what are you doing now? 
- - We may be barbarians, but we pay for our pillaging! <i>He throws a handful of notes in through the broken window.<i>
  - Come on, come on! <i>Niles gets into the car</i> GO, GO, GO, GO!<i>Niles's tires squeal as he speeds away from the gallery.</i><i>End Of Act Two.</i>
- - We have Hank on line three. He's having trouble with his neighbors.
  - Hello Hank. I'm listening. 
- - Am I on?
  - Yes, you are on the air. 
- - Hello, am I on?
  - Hank, listen. Turn down your radio and just talk into your phone. 
- - Hello?
  - Listen, Hank please, you won't be able to hear yourself, we're on a seven-second delay. 
- - Hello, can you hear me?
  - Oh, for crying out loud. <i>hangs up on Hank</i> Thank you, Hank. People, would you please turn off your damn radios. <i>Roz immediately starts making very large "NO" gestures</i> No, I mean just those of you who are calling in! Roz, who's our next caller? 
- - We have Marco on line two. He's having problems with his relationship.
  - Hello Marco. I'm listening. 
- - Well, I uh, I started seeing this woman two years ago. I think it was two years. Um, it was around Thanksgiving. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. The leaves were off the trees and the...
  - Close enough. What is your problem, Marco? 
- - Well, it's not really my problem, it's more like her problem. Lately she keeps pressing me for a commitment.
  - What's holding you back? 
- - I don't know, I just... I guess I just want to keep my options open. You know, in case somebody better comes along.
  - Somebody better comes along." Somebody better comes along?! Marco, Marco, Marco, do you hear yourself? 
- - No, I turned my radio off after you blasted that other guy.
  - Well listen, I suggest you give your motives a thorough examination, and if you can't commit, it's best for both of you to break it off. Thank you for your call. <i>hangs up</i> Tell me listeners, what is it with guys like that? Hey Roz, you've been around the block a few times. You ever run into a guy like Marco? 
- - Oh, they're all Marcos. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Marco.
  - Come on. I mean, if that were so, then no-one would be having a relationship. 
- - Well, I'm not. My sister's not. None of my friends are. I've seen the future, and its name is Marco.
  - What do you think, Seattle? Are there any non-Marcos out there? Or is Roz here destined to live a life of hopeless, loveless spinsterhood? Back after this.<i>He goes off the air.</i> 
- - Deck the halls with boughs of holly; Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! 'Tis the season to be jolly; Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!" etc.<i>The carol continues as Frasier comes in, still groggy from his nap. He looks around, at a loss.<i>
  - Excuse me, excuse me. <i>they stop singing</i> Exactly how long have I been asleep? 
- - Oh good, you're up. Now we can get this picture taken.
  - What picture? 
- - The picture for the Christmas card. We told you about it last week, remember?
  - Oh, oh right. 
- - <i>handing out woolen hats<i> Now the theme this year is "Santa's Workshop." Everybody put on your little elf hats.
  - I am not putting this on my head. For God's sake, I mean, I'm a respected professional. 
- - <i>wearing his<i> But if you don't, it'll look stupid.
  - Oh, I think the ship has already sailed on that one. 
- - Just put the hat on, Frasier.
  - You can't tell me what to do. 
- - I am telling you, look, put the hat on.
  - No, look, the days are past when you can just sit me on top of some stupid old Packard and make me wear matching sweaters with my little brother. 
- - Boys, boys please. Don't fight. Are you forgetting what day it is?
  - It's October 21st! 
- - Oh, he's in the bathroom, getting a drink. EDDIE!<i>To the sound of sleigh bells, Eddie appears. To Frasier's ire,he has reindeer antlers tied to his head. The camera flashes.<i>
  - Well, I can always pray there's a postal strike.<i>FADE TO</i>
- - Hey, before you go, there's a fan in the hall who'd like your autograph.
  - Oh, God. Save me from my adoring fans. <i>He signs the photo then looks out of the window to see a beautiful woman (Catherine) waving at him.</i> 
- -  Ooh... ooh, but not from the adorable ones. <i>He exits into the corridor.<i> 
  - Hello. Ah, my producer told me you wanted an autograph. Ah, how should I make this out?
- - You disgust me! You parasitic fraud! 
  - Well, that's certainly different from the usual "Best Regards." <i>moves to escape</i>
- - Wait a minute, don't walk away from me. For once you're going to face the consequences of what happens after you hang up on your callers. 
  - What consequences? What are you talking about?
- - I'm Marco's girlfriend. Excuse me - ex-girlfriend, thanks to you. 
  - Marco? You mean the Marco who-didn't-want-to-commit Marco? <i>He goes into the booth and she follows him.</i>
- - Ah, you damn radio shrinks! You couldn't just tell him to stick with it. That kind of advice doesn't get big ratings. No, "break up with her, get on with your life and ruin hers." Now that's entertainment. 
  - Now just hold on one minute. Did you actually listen to the show?
- - ...No. But Marco told me what you said. 
  - Oh he did, did he? Did he also mention that he said that he was only staying with you to "keep his options open?" Because that's what he told me. To be exact, he said he was only staying with you "until somebody better came along."
- - He said that? 
  - He said that to most of Seattle. Apparently you're the only one who missed it.
- - So, it wasn't that he didn't want to commit. He just didn't want to commit to me. <i>starts to cry<i> 
  - Well I'm... I'm terribly sorry I had to tell you. But, um, at least now you know the truth. Oh, no-no-no, don't cry. You're in a place of business here. <i>With his usual tact, he places a folder over the mike to protect it from her tears.</i>
- - Ooh, boy, I can really pick 'em, can't I? 
  - Oh no, don't go there. Look, this is not your fault. You are a terrifically attractive young woman - I mean, maybe a bit overemotional...
- - <i>buries her head in Frasier's shoulder<i> OOHH! 
  - <i>hugging her</i> Oh, yes. There, there. Shh... listen, can I... can I get you something?
- - No. 
  - A drink of water?
- - No. 
  - <i>lost, looks around and sees the candy machine</i> M&M's?
- - <i>they break<i> Plain or peanut? 
  - Whichever you like.
- - I should have seen this coming. I mean, the guy practically had a coronary when I brought a toothbrush over to keep at his apartment. 
  - <i>handing over packet</i> Here.
- - Thank you. You want one? 
  - Ah, no thanks. Ah, why don't you have a seat here. <i>indicates chair</i>
- - Thank you. <i>sits crossed-legged<i> 
  - But listen, if... if he was that resistant, why did you stay with him?
- - I had a lot invested in him. 
  - Yes, but that's no reason to settle for someone who isn't madly in love with you.
- - Well, right now I'm not sure there are any men out there who are actually capable of falling madly in love. 
  - Of course there are. You know, at the most basic level men and women are the same. We both need to be loved, and to love someone, we both want to feel that we matter to someone and that someone matters to us. And making a commitment to another human being is the ultimate expression of our humanity.
- - Wow. Your wife is really lucky. 
  - I'm sure she'd say the same thing, especially now that our marriage is over... well, maybe I will have one of those M&M's. <i>takes packet, helps himself</i>
- - Oh, boy. Why are relationships always so hard? Hey, <i>indicating Frasier's choice of M&M<i> you like the yellow ones too, huh? 
  - Yeah. You know, people try to tell you they're the same but...
- - I know. 
  - But they're not.
- - No. 
  - Well, you know, relationships don't always have to be so hard. I remember back in med school, I heard of a documented case where a man and a woman met, got along, and actually lived happily ever after.
- - Yeah, I don't mind the happily ever after part. It's the dating part. If I have to tell one more stranger the fascinating story of my life over more Italian cuisine I'm gonna choke on a breadstick! 
  - <i>laughs, then sits crossed-legged as well, mimicking her</i> I know. You know, I just keep thinking that maybe we can just resume this over appetizers. 
- - Oh, no, no. Half the time I'm ready to exchange goodbyes over appetizers. 
  - Well, at least you don't get stuck with the bill.
- - God, you haven't dated much lately, have you? 
  - No. I usually end up in restaurants alone.
- - Oh, I can't do that. I even have to turn on the TV at home so at least it feels that there's someone else in the room. 
  - Is that what you'll be doing tonight?
- - Mmm. I'm late. I gotta go to work. 
  - Oh, wait, wait. We haven't decided what we're gonna do tonight. Ah, Antonio's? Le Cigar Volante?
- - We've gone out for the last three nights, why don't we just stay in, huh? 
  - That's a great idea. I'll tell you what. I'll uh, send dad and Daphne off to the movies. I'll cook for you. Be at my place at eight.
- - Oh, I won't be able to make it 'til eight-thirty, I gotta change, okay? 
  - Oh, no-no-no-no. Don't ever change - I like you just the way you are. <i>everybody in the Cafe groans; to group</i> Oh, come on, come on, I'm a little out of practice.
- - I'll dispense with the usual adolescent teasing and come straight to the point who was that babe-o-rama?!
  - Niles, please don't try to be hip. You remind me of Bob Hope when he dresses up as the Fonz. 
- - <i>to waitress<i> Coffee.
  - Her name is Catherine. 
- - So? How long have you known her?
  - Three days. 
- - Have you two, uh...?
  - No. As if it's any of your business. 
- - <i>nods, then, unsure<i> We are talking about...?
  - Of course we are. 
- - But you're, uh..?
  - Well, yes. Soon. 
- - <i>still unsure<i> ...Sex, right?
  - Yes! 
- - <i>his coffee arrives<i> Ooh, so-so-so... how did you two meet?
  - Well, I mean, it was one of those funny things, she came down to the radio station to chew me out. 
- - <i>picks up sugar packet and starts shaking it<i> You're kidding.
  - No. A few days earlier her boyfriend had called into the show, and I advised him to break up with her.<i>The sugar goes everywhere as Niles gives an involuntary jerk.</i> 
- - Frasier, Frasier, where are your ethics? You can't date someone who's involved with one of your patients.
  - Marco is not a patient, he's a caller. There's a huge difference. Besides, I talked to him days before I met Catherine. 
- - Mmm, rationalization - the last refuge of the unsound argument.
  - Oh, rationalization, is that what you're going pull now? <i>They argue for a few moments.</i> 
- - As long as your conscience is clear. I'm not sure mine would be.
  - Well frankly, I don't care about your conscience. I don't need your approval, I don't need you to like it. Frankly, I don't need you for anything. <i>gets ready to leave</i> By the way, Niles, my car's in the shop, I need you to give me a ride home tonight. 
- - Twenty seconds. And I've got news for you Marco's on line two.
  - <i>feigning ignorance</i> Marco? 
- - Oh, you know. The guy you got out of the way so you could keep his girlfriend for yourself? <i>Frasier goes into the recording booth<i> Ten seconds.
  - I'm not talking to him. I don't want to talk to him. There's no way I'm talking to him. 
- - Three, two...
  - <i>on air</i> Hi, we're back. Roz, whom do we have on the line? 
- - We have Marco on line two.
  - Who's this on line three? 
- - Ooh, Todd. <i>disconnects line<i> Oh darn, we lost Todd. <i>Frasier is not amused<i> But lucky for you we still have Marco on line two.
  - Thank you, Roz. <i>to caller</i> Hello, Marco. 
- - Hi, Dr. Crane. I spoke to you the other day and I took your advice. I broke up with my girlfriend.
  - Well, what can I say but, ah... Bravo, Marco! Roz, who's our next caller?<i>We cut to Niles, driving in his car. We can hear Marco through his radio.</i>
- - <i>on radio<i> Wait, wait-wait-wait. You haven't heard my problem. I think she's already dating someone else. It really makes me nuts.<i>Cut to studio<i>
  - What makes you think she's seeing someone else? 
- - Well, the other night I couldn't get her on the phone. So I drove by her house, and I saw her parked outside talking to some guy in a black BMW.
  - Did you, ah... get a good look at the guy? 
- - No problem, Frasier. Just a few miles out of my way. At rush hour. But I didn't mind, really. Gave me a chance to listen to your show. <i>looks pointedly at Frasier<i>
  - I see. 
- - I just have one question for you can you honestly tell me that the advice you gave Marco was based on his best interests and not on your own?
  - Well, that's an interesting question, Niles. And I'll tell you something. I don't care. I'm in love, and I don't care. Catherine is mine now. I'm in, and Marco's out. 
- - Well, I...
  - No, it's called jealousy, Marco. Now you've got to stop spying on your ex-girlfriend and get on with your life. Borrow a page from my book - ah, move to a new city, a new state. Find out why everybody's talking about Pittsburgh! <i>In his car, Niles is shocked. In the studio, Frasier hangs up on Marco.</i> 
- - You're insane.
  - Perhaps. But you just ran a stop sign. <i>Niles slams on the brakes</i> Now we're in the middle of the intersection. <i>car horns blare, Niles drives on</i> I'll tell you, Niles, I, ah... I haven't Felt this way in ages. There's an excitement about this. I, I feel tingly. 
- - No. It was too dark. I think I made a big mistake, Doc. Do you think I should ask her to take me back?
  - No! What I mean is, ah... no. Marco, you don't want your ex- girlfriend back, you just don't want anybody else to have her. Isn't that true? 
- - What's your stomach have to say about this?
  - My stomach? 
- - I definitely know what I'm talking about. Ever since you were a child, if you even approached a breach of ethics you'd get queasy. Actually, you'd get physically sick.
  - Well, at least when it came to ethics I didn't get spontaneous nosebleeds. 
- - Remember the time we lifted that dollar bill from mom's change purse? We left quite a gruesome trail back to the tree house that day.
  - Ah, but you see, Niles, you've proved my point. I'm not the least bit queasy, I'm fine. My head, my heart, my gastrointestinal system, they're all shouting the same thing - It's okay! <i>looks around</i> Niles? Niles, this is a new car? 
- - Mmm. That was the most delicious salmon Marseilles I've ever tasted. 
  - Well, maybe you should try my "salmon-chanted evening."
- - Oh, no. Tell me you didn't say that. 
  - No, it was just the Laffite talking. "Laffite don't fail me now."
- - So, have you ever made love in the kitchen? 
  - <i>he drops and smashes a plate in the sink</i> Well, the ah, dishes are done.<i>They kiss, ending up on the floor. From behind the cooktop we hear...</i>
- - Mmm, ah, ah... 
  - Mmm, oh, ah... <i>then</i> Aaugh! <i>he stands up</i>
- - What was that? 
  - I'm sorry. I'm suddenly feeling a little queasy. Maybe I'm just not a kitchen person. <i>He goes into the living room. Catherine follows.</i>
- - Well ah, maybe you're just a little too warm, huh? <i>starts to unbutton his shirt<i> Yeah? 
  - Well, yeah. 
- - Oh, God... 
  - Yeah, that's it. You know, you look awfully warm too. 
- - Oh, I am. 
  - <i>unbuttons her blouse</i> Oh, my God.
- - Yes, oh...<i>They embrace again, falling onto Martin's chair. It starts tovibrate. Frasier whacks it and it ceases.<i> 
  - I'm sorry. Would you... would you mind if we, if we moved to the sofa? I'm not going to be out-performed by a Barcalounger.
- - No. <i>they move, Frasier carrying Catherine<i> 
  - Oh, this is good.
- - Yes, it is. 
  - This is better
- - Oh...<i>They get down to it again, until inevitably...<i> 
  - Eee-ugh!
- - What?! Was I kneeling on you? 
  - Really, maybe I need some fresh air. <i>moves to balcony</i> Are you okay?
- - Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine. 
  - Oh damn, it wasn't the fish!
- - You know there's a bug going round. 
  - It's not a bug. 
- - Well what is it, then? 
  - It's us. Every time we touch and kiss I get queasy.
- - What are you telling me? That the thought of making love to me makes you sick to your stomach? 
  - Yes, but don't take it personally! 
- - <i>sarcastic<i> Well, why would I? 
  - It's, it's not you. Ah, it's, it's me. Every time I come close to breaching my ethics, I-I end up getting sick.
- - What are you talking about? 
  - Marco called into the show today and... he said he was thinking of getting back with you and I told him not to. 
- - So? 
  - Well, I just have a feeling that... maybe I told him that not because it was good for him, but because it was good for me.
- - Oh, Frasier, who cares? <i>kisses him<i> 
  - Well, I do. I care. You know? Look, any psychiatrist worth his salt would care. That's why we don't get involved with our patients. Or their girlfriends.
- - Are you, are you saying you want to break up with me? 
  - No, I don't want to. I have to. If I don't, I'll throw up all over your shoes.
- - I can't believe this is happening. God, how can this be so easy for you? 
  - Easy?! This is killing me! You think I don't want to pick you up right now, carry you over to that Eames classic and show you why it's the best-engineered chair in the world?!
- - Well, why don't you then? 
  - I told you, I can't.
- - Oh! And nothing I can say will change your mind? 
  - I'm sorry.
- - Oh, by the way... the fish was dry. <i>exits<i>
  - Oh, that was a cheap shot! <i>He goes and sits on his Eames. Eddie joins him.</i> 
- - We have Ethan on line three, and he's having a little problem at school.
  - Hello, Ethan. I'm listening. 
- - Hi, Dr. Crane.
  - How old are you? 
- - I'm thirteen.
  - Ah well, what can I do for you? 
- - Well, I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school. They're always beating me up.
  - Why do you think that's so? 
- - Probably because I'm smart. I have a 160 IQ. I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports.
  - Well, you know, Ethan, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I... I know it doesn't help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh. 
- - ...That's it?
  - <i>surprised</i> Yes. 
- - Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic and, in all candor, uninspired. The real surprise here is that they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.
  - Ethan, where are you calling from? 
- - Home.
  - Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever. <i>Roz laughs.</i>
- - <i>touching up her makeup<i> Yeah, sure. Whatever you say.
  - You seem a bit distracted there, Roz. You got another one of your hot dates? 
- - Great. Thanks, Noel.<i>He give Roz the thumbs up sign and leaves.<i>
  - Noel? Noel Shempsky from Sales, that's who your date's with? 
- - Well, it's not a date. We're just going out for a drink, okay?
  - Noel the Mole? 
- - I know, he's not great-looking. I know he drives a '73 Dodge Polaris. But he's always struck me as a really interesting guy.
  - Mm-hmm... 
- - Look, the world is loaded with superficial guys. You know, I just want to go out with someone who has a good heart. He's smart. He's substantial - and you know, considering my track record lately I would hope you'd support me. Is that asking too much?
  - Does Noel still have that autographed picture of Captain Kirk in his cubicle? 
- - No. No, I think I'd better stay here for a few minutes.<i>Frasier enters the kitchen, having heard the crash.<i>
  - Dear God, I thought I heard...! Niles, what are you doing? <i>drags Niles to his feet</i> 
- - I'm afraid he conked his head, on the hood there.
  - <i>to Niles</i> You are shameless! 
- - Oh, thank you, Daphne. You've been wonderful in this time of crisis.
  - Oh, come on, Camille! <i>He pulls Niles out into the dining area.</i>
- - Oh, I wish you'd said Saturday.
  - Why, you have plans Friday? 
- - No, I have plans Saturday.
  - Niles, just tell me that you'll do this for me? 
- - Oh, all right.
  - Thank you. 
- - So... does this mean you're hoping to get lucky Friday night?
  - Oh Niles, please. Nobody refers to having sex as "getting lucky" anymore. 
- - Hey, Dad.
  - Hi, Dad. <i>motions to Niles to do his party piece</i> 
- - Oh, well then... <i>Frasier pushes him<i> Better yet, why don't you come to our house? We'll make dinner, and we'll even rent an Angie Dickinson film.
  - Ooh! 
- - I'm sorry, Frasier, he sees things that others don't.
  - Well, I'm sorry, Dad. I guess I should have asked you myself. 
- - Oh, that's all right. <i>sitting in his chair<i> Yeah, I'll clear out. But just remember, one hand washes the other around here.
  - What does that mean? 
- - Well, as long as I'm clearing out for you Friday night, you can clear out for me Thursday night. I've got a date with Elaine Morris from 14-12.
  - Oh! Well, well. How long has this been going on?<i>As Martin talks, Niles stands behind his chair, grinning widely.</i> 
- - Oh, she's had me over for coffee a couple of times. Just thought I'd like to have her over here for dinner. <i>without looking back<i> Niles, wipe that stupid smirk off your face. <i>Niles looks offended<i> What do you say, Frasier?
  - Well, sure Dad. I think that's terrific. Oh listen, if there's a lull in the conversation, we've got all kind of board games back here in the closet, we got playing cards - does she like to play Canasta? 
- - Oh! - and PBS is running a wonderful documentary on the swing bands of the 30's and 40's.
  - Ooh, wow... 
- - Good morning, Dr. Crane. I want to thank you again for the show last night. I've never been to experimental theatre before.
  - Don't mention it. It was my pleasure. 
- - Well, I think I understood most of it. Only what did it mean when the naked man came in, carrying a suitcase?
  - <i>after a pause</i> I think it meant that he's packed too much. 
- - Well, I'm sure your father appreciated having us out of the house.<i>Frasier notices a smell in the air.<i>
  - What is that heavenly aroma? 
- - A batch of Grammy Moon's famous sticky buns!
  - <i>smelling</i> Oh my, that's it! 
- - Morning.
  - Morning, dad. So... How was your date last night, huh? Ha, boy, feels strange, you know? A son asking his father how his date was last night... <i>Elaine walks in, pinning in one of her earrings.</i> 
- - Elaine, this is Daphne Moon, my son Frasier Crane, Elaine Morris. <i>they all shake hands<i>
  - So... so, it's a pleasure to meet you, Elaine. It's ah... I know that dad's wanted to have you for a long time - I mean, for dinner! 
- - Oh no, no. You should at least stay for breakfast, shouldn't she, Fras?
  - Oh yes, absolutely. 
- - Well, I guess I could stay for coffee.
  - Splendid, splendid, splendid. So uh &mdash; so uh... what did you two kids do last night? Did you ah, play some games? Well, I mean, board games! Not that you were bored - or excited... well, not that I'd know anything - or should! But ah... warm buns, Elaine? No, no, not yours! I mean ours, ours! <i>picks up Daphne's sticky buns</i> To eat, you see. Have one, I'll have one! Warm! 
- - <i>as he follows her, to Frasier<i> What the hell's wrong with you?
  - I don't know!<i>They carry breakfast out to the dining area.</i> 
- - Well, uh... Frasier, you know, I really love your radio show. My friends and I listen to it almost every day.
  - Thank you. That's always lovely to hear. <i>Silence.</i> 
- - Elaine's a buyer at Beaumarchais.
  - Oh really, really? I do-do a great deal of shopping there. As a matter of fact, I bought the comforter on dad's bed there, and, well, I supposed you noticed that... maybe you didn't - I mean, I don't know if you had the lights on, or... I mean, I don't know how you like it... I mean, how you... light it! How you like to light it! <i>Daphne comes in with a large plate of sausage patties. Frasier is thankful for a change of subject and seizes it.</i> 
- - Yeah. <i>She leaves.<i>
  - <i>to Daphne</i> You couldn't have served bacon? 
- - Well, you handled that smoothly, Dr. Crane.
  - I'm sorry, dad. It just, really caught me off guard. 
- - Ah, that's ok. I really ought to apologize. I should have warned you, but... I really didn't think it was going to happen. <i>smiles<i> I'm pretty glad it did!
  - So, you like Elaine? 
- - I like Elaine.
  - So, dad... 
- - Yeah, yeah...
  - You're back on the beat! 
- - All right.
  - Lock up your daughters! 
- - Okay, okay.
  - Oh, come on, you old... 
- - One line one we have Marianne, she's concerned about her daughter. 
  - <i>on air</i> Hello Marianne, I'm listening.
- - Kids - you can't live with them, you can't shove them back in the womb. 
  - Well, as we try to forget the image that that summons up, how can I help you, Marianne?
- - Well, two days ago, Judy, my twenty-two year old, arrived home for a visit with her boyfriend. I insisted that they sleep in separate bedrooms. She got furious with me, and she's been giving me dirty looks all week. Am I completely out of line here? 
  - Not at all. I, I think that in your own house you make up the rules.
- - Thank you. 
  - But... are we sure there isn't something else going on here? Perhaps you're having a problem thinking of your daughter as an adult. You see, we all have a tendency to freeze people in roles with which we are most comfortable. Especially when it comes to that old bugaboo, sex. You know, let me use myself as an example. As many of you know, my sixty-three year old father recently moved in with me and, just this morning over coffee, I discovered he had spent the night in his room with a delightful creature named Elaine. The entire episode completely unnerved me. Why? Because I had never thought of my father as a man with normal sexual urges. To me he was always old plain old Dad. Well, that's absurd. My father is a witty, virile, charming man, possessed of the hereditary Crane good looks, and what I suppose I'm driving at is, that sexuality is a healthy part of adulthood, at any age. I think it's time we embrace that, don't you, Marianne?Maryanne Sorry, Dr. Crane, I gotta go. I'm hearing noises from the guest room. <i>hangs up</i> 
- - Hey Frasier, that was a really good show. 
  - Oh, thank you. I thought so too.<i>Noel walks in.</i> 
- - Well um, I gotta run. I'll call you later. <i>gives the Vulcan peace salute<i> Live long and prosper. <i>He leaves.<i>
  - Ooh look, there's a place for cumin, most people overlook that. 
- - Don't tempt me. Where the hell do you get off talking about my personal life on your radio program?
  - Are you discussing what I said about you and Elaine? 
- - You're damned right I am. I've never been so embarrassed in my Life.
  - But dad, everything I said was flattering. 
- - Oh, yeah. Telling all of Seattle about your old dad shacking up with the neighbor lady.
  - Oh, come on you old swordsman, I thought you'd get a kick out of it. 
- - Knock it off, Frasier. Thanks to you Elaine won't even talk to me anymore.
  - What for? Just because of a harmless remark I made on the radio? 
- - Hey, for your information, people of our generation think sex is a private thing. And I still think that's a pretty healthy way of looking at it. Sex is something between you, and the person you're doing it to!
  - Well, don't you think she's overreacting? 
- - Did you know, when you get angry your ears turn red? <i>Martin glares at her<i> See? There they go.<i>Frasier arrives.<i>
  - Evening, everyone. 
- - Put yourself in her place. She takes a chance and spends the night with me. Next thing she knows, it's being broadcast all over Seattle. I mean, her friends heard it and called her. She's so embarrassed she's never been out of the house all day, she won't even answer the phone now.
  - I'm sorry, dad. 
- - I'll be going to my room right now. <i>leaves, hurriedly<i>
  - Hello, Eddie. <i>Eddie chases after Daphne</i> Well, I seem to have cleared the room. 
- - Your sympathy touches me!
  - Well look, look. I caused a problem here, and I will take care of it. 
- - Well, you go figure. Any advice, Dr Crane?<i>Quickly, Frasier and Roz resume their positions, though neither of themhas been listening to Al.<i>
  - Yes, yes uh, just go on with what you're doing, and everything should turn out all right. Thank you for your call. <i>line off</i> Now, I'd like to end today's show on something of a personal note. I'm talking to one person in my audience. Elaine - you wouldn't answer my phone calls, you wouldn't come to the door, so I hope you're listening. And if you are, I want to apologize for what I said on the radio. I took something that was of a private nature and turned it into public knowledge. I promise I will never do that again - well, except for this time, then I promise I'll never do it again. You see, the saddest thing is, Elaine, that uh, that dad is paying for my mistake. <i>He cues Roz, who starts playing a tape of "Moon River."</i>
- - I want to talk to you, mister.
  - Oh, sounds like someone's being taken out behind the woodshed. 
- - Well, I'm giving it a try. You know, "Elaine in 14-10, come to dinner, come to dinner".
  - That's very charming, Daphne, but Elaine's in 14-12. 
- - Well, I've been sending Elaine psychic messages all day.
  - You're kidding. You can transmit? I thought you were just a receiver. 
- - The roast is out of the oven. It looks beautiful.
  - God, I hope this works, Daphne. 
- - Ah look, it's eight o' clock and I'm still a pumpkin.
  - Dad, it is two minutes to eight, and why don't you just sit down and relax? 
- - Oh, who the hell am I kidding? She's not going to show up. I don't know why I even- <i>the doorbell chimes<i>
  - May I suggest we just skip the first course, which is crow, and move directly to the hors d'oeuvres? 
- - Just shut up and answer the door.
  - All right.<i>Frasier opens the front door to find a crowd of people standing there.</i>
- - Excuse me, is this the Crane residence? 
  - Yes it is.
- - Well, we've been waiting here for the last fifteen minutes. Did Elaine show up, or did we miss her? 
  - Who are all you people? 
- - Oh, it was so romantic, we all have our fingers crossed. 
  - Yes, very kind.
- - I'm Marjorie, from down on eleven... 
  - Hello, Marjorie.
- - And this is Norman... 
  - Hello, Norman. It's a pleasure.
- - And the rest of these people I don't know. 
  - Nice to see you all. <i>sees the doorman</i> Tony? Tony, what are you doing here? For God's sakes, shouldn't you be watching the door? 
- - Is that him?<i>The crowd start ooh-ing and aah-ing.<i>
  - People, people, please. Don't you have lives of your own? For God's sake, beat it, scoot, scat.. 
- - What's happening?
  - This is a private situation here...<i>The lift doors open, revealing Elaine. The crowd goes wild. Shocked, Elaine tries to retreat, Frasier attempts to pull her into the apartment.</i>
- - No, I'm going home.
  - All right then, dad, dad you come in here. <i>hustles Martin into the lift</i> All right everybody, back off, just back off! Just give us some time, please! <i>The doors close, leaving Elaine, Martin, and Frasier in the lift.</i> 
- - Oh, I knew I should never have come up here, nothing's changed.
  - Elaine, please let me try to explain. 
- - You've done enough.
  - Oh dad, please, what do you happen to know... 
- - Frasier, over there! <i>points to corner<i>
  - Dad! 
- - <i>as he and Elaine enter apartment<i> All right, everyone. You've had your fun. Show's over. Nothing more to see. Go back to your homes.
  - Yes, please folks. Honor what the man says. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you for your concern. Let's expedite this departure please, if you would. <i>the crowd leaves</i> Thank you so much. Goodbye. <i>Daphne joins him</i> 
- - Well, I suppose we should give them their privacy.
  - Yes. Yes, I suppose you're right. It's ironic, isn't it? My sixty-three year old father with a bum hip is about to embark on a night of romance, while the two of us, man and woman, both attractive and eligible, and in the prime of our lives, have nothing to do on a Saturday night. 
- - You know, the answer to our problems may be right under our noses.
  - Yes Daphne, I think it is. 
- - Who's that for? 
  - It's for Roz.
- - <i>reading the box<i> "Amazing trick microphone, squirts water." Nice.
  - It's a gag. We agreed not to exchange gifts.
- - Listen doc. I'm scheduled to do the noon-to-four on Christmas.
  - No.
- - But doc, my whole family's getting together in Chicago for the first time in five years.
  - I am touched, and I don't care.
- - But my-my-my sister and her new baby...
  - Listen Bulldog, my son Frederick is flying in tomorrow afternoon to spend the holidays with me. Now, I've never looked so forward to a Christmas since I was... well, your size.<i>Chopper Dave comes in, yelling as usual.</i> 
- - <i>gives up<i> Hey, doc. You know, ah, Bonnie Weems, right?
  - Well, ah, I don't actually know her, but she does the auto show, right? 
- - That's you, rookie.
  - Well, that sounds like a good tradition, I'd be delighted to drive her home.
- - Merry Christmas, Dr. Crane. 
  - Oh, Merry Christmas, Elizabeth.
- - I baked you some sugar cookies. <i>hands over box<i> 
  - Oh, how sweet of you. Sweets from the sweet.
- - Would you by any chance know who's driving Bonnie Weems home tonight? 
  - Yes, I am. And maybe you can tell me why everyone...
- - <i>to crowd<i> Hey, everybody! It's the doc! <i>The entire party starts laughing. Confused, Frasier goes back into the booth. Roz is there.<i>
  - Roz, would you mind telling me why everyone breaks into hysterics whenever I say I'm driving Bonnie Weems home... <i>Roz bursts out laughing</i> Oh, what is that?! 
- - Well, Bonnie Weems is kind of an office legend. She gets a couple of drinks under her belt, and she gets a little amorous. And she will not take "No" for an answer.
  - Is that all? Oh, I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself. 
- - Okay.
  - <i>picking up present</i> Now, listen Roz, Roz, now I know we promised not to, but I couldn't help it. I was out shopping, and... 
- - <i>really excited<i> Oh, no! Don't worry, Frasier, I couldn't help myself either.
  - Oh no, really? 
- - Yes. <i>hands over gift<i> Merry Christmas!
  - Oh Roz, you shouldn't have. This is just...<i>He opens the present. It's an expensive attach&eacute; case.</i> 
- - Now it's my turn. <i>starts opening her gift<i>
  - Oh, no-no-no. Maybe, you know, maybe you should just think about, ah... keeping it under the tree. 
- - Oh, me wait to open a Christmas present?
  - Yeah. 
- - <i>opens box, but manages to fake enthusiasm for the gag gift<i> Oh my god! It's great! It's great because I'm in radio!
  - Ah, that's what I was going for, yes. 
- - Well, thanks a million, Frasier. <i>kisses him<i> Have a happy, happy holiday and I'll see you next week.
  - Okay. Merry Christmas. 
- - Dr. Crane?
  - Yes? 
- - I'm Bonnie Weems.
  - Well, hello. It's a, uh, a pleasure to meet you. I'll be driving you home tonight. 
- - I'm sorry to put you out.
  - Oh, it's no problem at all. Tell you what, you just go, enjoy the party, you let me know when you're ready to go. 
- - <i>nervously<i> Hello, Frasier.
  - Oh, hello Niles. Merry Christmas. To what do I owe this occasion? 
- - Well, it pinches a bit under the arms, but you be the judge. <i>does a little twirl<i> Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
  - <i>glaring at Niles</i> Daphne. 
- - <i>to Niles<i> Shall I put the little red one back on so you can Make your choice?
  - I think Niles has all the information he needs, thank you. 
- - You know, Maris and Daphne are roughly the same size!
  - Give or take a foot.<i>Martin enters</i> 
- - Hey, Frasier. Where've you been?
  - Well, after the Christmas party I poured a colleague into a cab, said a quick prayer for the driver, dislodged the wedgie of a lifetime, then went on to do a little bit of last minute shopping. Niles, some sherry? 
- - Ah, thank you.
  - You know, Santa is going to be very, very good to Frederick This year. 
- - Oh, by the way, Bulldog called a couple of times. He wanted to know if you'd take his slot on Christmas day.
  - I already told him no. How long will that man nag me? <i>Martin heads towards the door with a cheap, plastic wreath</i> Dad, what are you doing with that? 
- - I'm gonna hang it on the front door, like I always do.
  - But it's plastic. 
- - Hello. Oh, hi. <i>to Frasier<i> Frasier, it's for you. It's the nag.
  - Oh, lord. <i>on phone</i> Now, listen Bulldog, I already told you... Oh. Hello, Lilith. Well, you know, maybe, ah, I should take this in the bedroom. <i>exits</i> 
- - Except that Jackie's a transvestite. Getting a bit long in the tooth for it too, if you ask me. Last Thanksgiving he ate too much turkey and I had to cut him out of his pantyhose.<i>Frasier returns.<i>
  - Well, Merry Christmas, everybody! Lilith isn't sending Frederick! 
- - What? Why not?
  - Well, apparently he has this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for an incredible Christmas. A friend of hers has rented a home in Austria. 
- - What's the matter with the good old U.S.A.?
  - Well, apparently it's the same house that they filmed "The Sound Of Music" in, and that happens to be Freddie's favorite movie. Well, Julie Andrews is singing with the Salzburg Choral, they're having dinner with her afterwards, and some nonsense about a horse-driven sleigh ride through the snow, and a toboggan, and a balloon trip through the Alps, and apparently on their way back they're gonna spend an entire day at Euro-Disneyland! 
- - You know you have to let him go, don't you?
  - Well, of course I have to let him go. Thank you for pointing out that you know what's right. 
- - Hey! I was just making sure that you did, that's all.
  - Oh, how would I ever live without you? 
- - Yeah, come on. Let's finish decorating the Christmas tree. I brought up the good lights from the storage room.
  - Oh, dad, you know what, I don't want to use those lights this year. I picked up these just yesterday. <i>brings out a box of lights</i> 
- - Chili peppers?
  - Well, yes, they're very fashionable. 
- - Chili peppers aren't Christmas.
  - Well, for that matter, neither are scotch pines or snow ornaments. For God's sakes, if you want to be technical, Bethlehem was in the desert. 
- - Fine. Why don't we decorate a palm tree?
  - I don't need your sarcasm. 
- - But I always use those lights.
  - Dad, dad. This is my house, these are my decorations, just once, could I have just one thing I wanted this Christmas? 
- - Hey, look. Wait a minute. I know you're upset about Freddie, but don't take it out on me.
  - Oh fine. Now you're the psychiatrist? 
- - Oh, I give up. Go ahead, decorate the thing. Use your chili peppers!
  - All right, I won't anymore! 
- - I hope you two aren't going to be behaving this way up at the cabin?
  - Oh, we won't! Because I'm not going to the cabin! 
- - What do you mean, you're not going to the cabin? Where the hell are you going?
  - I'm staying right here. 
- - Well, you can't stay alone on Christmas. <i>by this time, Eddie Has his head under a cushion<i>
  - I've decided to fill in for Bulldog! At least somebody will have a Merry Christmas! 
- - <i>mad<i> Well, Merry Christmas!
  - MERRY CHRISTMAS! 
- - Mad? What for? My mother just flew all the way in from Wisconsin to be here with me today. But instead I'm back in this stinking hellhole on Christmas Day, when only the loneliest and most depressed people on the planet would EVER call in. But, look how nice you made yourself look for me!
  - Roz, try to see this thing from my position. I, I couldn't see my son, I had a terrible fight with my father, I was facing a horrible Christmas, and then I thought, you know, maybe if by trying to help other people through their troubles it might get me through mine, and I think if we really try hard, we can maybe have the best Christmas we've ever had. What do you say? 
- - Okay. I'm not mad. Get ready.
  - Oh, I need a hug, just to prove that we're still friends. 
- - Frasier, I am not hugging you.
  - Come on. 
- - No, you're grungy.
  - Come to papa. 
- - All right! <i>hugs<i> We're friends. Now get ready, we're on.<i>Frasier sits by the mike and gets ready. Roz cues him in.<i>
  - <i>on air</i> Merry Christmas, Seattle! Yes, this is Dr. Frasier Crane coming to you on Christmas Day. Christmas, that very magical time of the year, when each moment is as unique as a snowflake, never to be recreated.<i>Roz bangs on the window.</i> 
- - I'm sorry Frasier, the news went over you. You're gonna have to do that again.
  - Merry Christmas, Seattle...!<i>DISSOLVE TO LaterTime lapse. Frasier and Roz are still on the air, both looking VERY depressed.</i>
- - We have Don on line five, he wants to tell us about the time he was filled with the Christmas spirit.
  - It's about time! Hello, Don. 
- - <i>v.o.<i> Hello, Dr. Crane. Something happened the other day that sums up why we call this the season of giving.
  - Well then, swaddle me in Christmas cheer. 
- - <i>v.o.<i> I'm sorry. That was the last time. I'm okay now, I'm okay. <i>bursts into tears again<i> No, I'm not!
  - Barry, I've got to put you on hold for a bit, while you pull yourself together, but please, please stay on the line, I'd really like to help you. 
- - Okay. Well, you see, I was driving home from the gym, and I suddenly realized I had left my favorite old pair of sneakers on the roof of the car. So, I look back and there's this homeless guy, and he'd already picked them up, and he's putting 'em on. So I just thought, what the hell, and kept on driving.
  - So your experience of the Christmas spirit would be that you didn't slam the car into reverse, speed back there, and rip a pair of smelly old sneakers out of a homeless man's hand? Well Roz, this is special, I think we've got Santa Claus himself on the line!<i>DISSOLVE TO LaterTime lapse. Frasier is listening to Barry, a caller who can't stop crying long enough to say what his problem is.</i> 
- - <i>v.o.<i> So you see, Dr. Crane, I've fallen in the shower so many times, they can't fit any more pins in my hip.
  - Gladys, Gladys? Ah, listen, can I put you on hold for a second? There's somebody else I have to check on. <i>switches lines</i> How's it going there, Barry? <i>Sounds of crying.</i> 
- - <i>v.o.<i> It still traumatizes me, Dr. Crane. I wake up nights, and I remember that Christmas morning. I walked into my mother's bedroom, tears running down my face, and I said, "Mommy... the puppy Santa gave me won't wake up."
  - Okay, Tom. You win the prize for the saddest Christmas story we've heard today. Happy holidays. <i>He goes to a commercial break, sees Roz with her head down and rushes into her booth.</i> 
- - <i>weeping<i> Just for the last hour.
  - Ooh... oh, listen, why don't you just go home, honey? I can take over for the next two hours. 
- - But you can't do this on your own.
  - Oh, sure I can! Why don't you go home, be with your mom? 
- - Wouldn't it be even be sadder? With you here all by yourself?
  - I don't think that's possible. 
- - Well, if you really mean it, I'll go.
  - I mean it. 
- - But Frasier, promise me one thing? Don't sit here and get more depressed. You'll see your little boy again soon.
  - I know I will. 
- - Okay. Hug-hug-hug? <i>they hug<i> Merry... <i>bursts into tears again<i> Christmas!<i>She leaves. Frasier resumes his seat as the commercial ends.<i>
  - <i>on-air</i> Hi, we're back. Well, you know what? I, I realize it's been a pretty tough day out there for most of you, and uh, I'd like to hear now from someone who's having a GOOD Christmas. Um, you know, someone who's learned a way to beat the holiday blues. Well, let's take our first call here. <i>presses button</i> Hello, you're on the air. 
- - <i>v.o.<i> This is Jeff.
  - Hello, Jeff! Well, Merry Christmas! 
- - Well, Merry Christmas to you. I used to get depressed on Christmas. And then I found a surefire way to beat it I'd pop my favorite movie, "The Sound Of Music" in the VCR. Watching Julie Andrews lead those adorable little tykes through the streets of Salzburg... Nobody could be depressed! I mean, nobody!<i>Long beat.<i>
  - Jeff, are you a betting man?<i>DISSOLVE TO Time lapse. Frasier is wrapping up.</i>
- - <i>mechanically<i> Merry Christmas. Welcome to Lou's. 
  - Thank you. I'm sure glad you're open, all the other places in town are either closed or are all booked up.
- - That's what makes us so special. I can bring you a menu, but almost everybody's having the Christmas platter. That's a turkey log with mashed potatoes, then yule log for dessert. 
  - How much more appetizing food always becomes when you add the word "log." <i>she stares at him</i> I'll just have the Christmas platter.
- - How you doin'? 
  - Okay. 
- - Are you havin' a merry Christmas? 
  - Well, now that you ask, no I'm not. Can't be with my son, had a terrible argument over something stupid with my father. That's why I'm alone. How about you? 
- - Pretty good, actually. Just yesterday, I was crossing the street, and this beautiful pair of sneakers flew off the back of the car, and landed on my feet! <i>holds them up<i> 
  - Merry Christmas.
- - <i>bringing him his platter<i> Here you go. 
  - Well, the chef didn't exactly dally over the Remoulade, did he?<i>DISSOLVE TO Time lapse. Frasier has almost finished his meal. Tim is asleep on his shoulder. A man (Bill) enters.</i> 
- - Well, I wouldn't miss this. Hey, how's that turkey platter? Good as last year's? 
  - I'm not sure this isn't last year's. Listen, I'm done here, why don't you go ahead and take this seat? 
- - Jeez, thanks pal. 
  - You bet. <i>He gets up, checks all his pockets and realizes.</i> 
- - You mean you can't pay! 
  - Oh no, I can pay, I can pay, I must have just left it at the office.
- - Uh-huh. 
  - Well, I can just go back there and get it.
- - Hey, Lou. It's all right. This one's on me. 
  - Oh, no-no-no. You don't understand. You see, I... 
- - It's okay, buddy, we've all been there. 
  - Yes, but you see, I really did misplace my wallet. 
- - I know you did, and Bill here misplaced his Wall Street portfolio. Here Bill, help me out. <i>starts a whip round<i> 
  - Oh no, you don't... 
- - Hey, everybody! People. Come on, let's help the poor man get a nice Christmas dinner. Even pennies. It doesn't matter. 
  - Please, please, you don't understand. I make a very decent living. I really do. This is not necessary. <i>Tim pays Lou (the Waitress) the money that Frasier owes.</i> 
- - Don't be embarrassed. Look at it this way the rest of the year belongs to the rich people, with their fancy houses, <i>points to Frasier's BMW<i> expensive foreign cars, but Christmas? Christmas belongs to guys like us. 
  - Right. Well, I never will forget this Christmas. Thank you. Thank you all.<i>Frasier leaves the diner and goes to his car, but turns to see everyone in the diner waving at him. He waves back, then waits until they turn back and ducks down beneath the sill, to crawl into his car.</i>
- - Hey. We're not buying you dessert. 
  - No. No, you see, I forgot... I forgot, ah... <i>He pauses for a moment, torn between preserving the moment and getting his car back. He picks the former.</i> 
- - Hey, bud. Since you're here, <i>gives Frasier a quarter<i> go call your old man. 
  - Thank you. I think I will. <i>He leaves, deciding to walk home.End of Act Two.</i>
- - <i>to Frasier<i> And you?
  - Well let me see, I think I'll have the...<i>Daphne enters the cafe and goes to the counter.</i> 
- - Oh look, it's Daphne. Daphne!
  - Daphne. 
- - Oh, hello, thought I might run into you here. Oh please, sit, sit. I just stopped in for a bag of beans, we're running low at home.
  - Oh, well good. <i>to Eric</i> You know, I'd like... 
- - Hard to forget. <i>Niles looks jealous.<i>
  - Excuse me, you haven't taken my order yet. 
- - Not me, I like something that holds its body on my tongue.<i>Niles, seduced by the language, spills cream all over the table.<i>
  - Excuse me, we seem to have spilled something here. If you could... <i>Eric just throws down a dishcloth.</i> 
- - I'd love to. <i>They go to the counter.<i>
  - <i>shouting</i> Oh, nothing for me, thanks! 
- - Frasier, that man is hitting on our Daphne! I don't know how she stands it.
  - Niles... look, apropos of nothing, how are things between you and Maris? 
- - Are you implying that my concern for Daphne's welfare is anything less than pure?
  - I don't know, you tell me. 
- - Frasier, that is your great shortcoming. You're always distrustful, you're always suspicious. Sometimes you just have to have faith that people are all right- <i>spies on them<i> <i>what's he doing now!?<i>
  - I believe he's bagging her beans. 
- - Oh, I'm so excited! Eric over there is taking me to a club to hear his band tonight. Oh, I know it's not my regular night off but I'll switch it with Saturday, if that's OK with you. <i>Niles shakes his head "no" at Frasier, who ignores him<i> Oh, isn't he lovely? I already have a nickname for him, "Eric The Red." It favours him, doesn't it? Don't you think he looks like a Viking? 
  - Well... 
- - How could she like him? The man has "community college" written all over him. 
  - Niles, you know, this infatuation with Daphne is really getting out of hand. I didn't really mind when it was just a flirtation, but I can't help wonder that this is symptomatic of something wrong between you and Maris. <i>Niles is silent</i> Well, is it? 
- - Oh... Frasier, I can't lie to you. The truth is, Maris and I are in a bit of a rut. We seem to have lapsed into this grey, numbing blandness.
  - Well, that's perfectly normal in a relationship of some years. Maybe you should try spicing things up a bit. 
- - You mean... boudoir-wise?
  - Well, for starters, yeah. 
- - Do you really want to know how I am, or are you just making conversation? Because if you really want to know how I am, I'll tell you. 
  - Well, I was just making conversation. But actually, Roz, there's some advice I need. 
- - About what?
  - A subject in which you're quite well-versed, sex. 
- - <i>losing all her troubles<i> How can I help you?
  - What do you do when... when the romance goes out of a relationship? 
- - I get dressed and go home. 
  - All right, let's just assume for a moment that you are capable of a long-term relationship; what would you do to keep things cooking? 
- - Well, once I had a boyfriend take me out to a bar, and we pretended we were strangers picking each other up. Actually that was kinda hot. <i>chuckles at the memory<i>
  - So you used, like, fantasy/role-playing? 
- - Yeah. In fact, we had so much fun we tried it again. Only the next time he got so into it he went home with another woman. 
  - I'm sorry. 
- - Oh hell, she was gorgeous. One more drink, and I'd have gone home with her. My point is that women need to see the men they make love to as exciting, romantic figures. So I say, if you want to keep this woman interested, try creating a fantasy for an evening. Personally, I think you'd make a very sexy gladiator.
  - Roz, this is not for me, it's for my brother Niles. 
- - I'm sorry, Frasier, but something horrible has happened. Maris kicked me out.
  - Dear God, why? What for?<i>For answer, Niles takes his raincoat off, revealing pirate attire white puffy shirt, knee-high boots, and bright orange pantaloons belted with a golden swash (plastic dagger included).</i>
- - No dad, wait, there's a perfectly reasonably explanation for the way I'm dressed. 
  - Alright, just keep in mind that I reserve the right to say "stop" at any time. 
- - Actually no, at the time I was wearing only my eye-patch. Although, technically is it still an eye-patch if you're wearing it on your-?
  - Stop! 
- - Frasier!
  - All I suggested was some sexual role-playing, you're the one that came up with "Pirates of the Caribbean"! 
- - What if we don't? What'll I do then?
  - Well, I suppose they could always use another busboy at the "Jolly Roger"!<i>Laughing, Frasier goes to the hall.</i> 
- - Well, don't worry, I won't be telling that story this year!<i>He laughs a third time, causing Niles to throw his hands up and pacethe room in exasperation.<i>
  - <i>entering with pillow and blanket</i> Here we are, Canadian goose down pillow, Egyptian cotton sheets and a nice Vicuna throw in case you get a little chilly during the night. 
- - Goodnight. You know, Frasier, Maris and I have had our difficulties before, but never anything this serious. I really feel terrible having her mad at me. It's times like this I wish I knew how to cry.
  - Well, don't be embarrassed on my account, Niles. 
- - No, no, it's not that, I'm just not someone who cries, it's not in my nature. When Maris's Uncle Lyle died, I had to shut my hand in the car door just to make a decent showing at the funeral. 
  - You're a complex little pirate, aren't you? Well, goodnight Niles. 
- - I just got off the phone with Maris. She's in Arizona for the weekend.
  - Why? 
- - Eric, Eric, Eric! Must everything always be about Eric?! 
  - Niles. May I suggest that when Maris returns, you both invest some time in some intensive couples' therapy. There's a Reichian group... 
- - Oh, you have free reign. Just bear in mind she can't have shellfish... poultry, red meat, saturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulfites, MSG or dairy. Did I say nuts?
  - Oh, I think that's implied!<i>End of Act One (Time 1030)</i><i>Act Two</i>
- - No, no, the storm's really bad. You shouldn't be driving in it anyway. No, you just spend the night there. Right, goodnight, Daphne. <i>puts phone down<i>
  - You told her to spend the night? 
- - Yeah, what's the problem?
  - Well, you know how Niles feels about her. 
- - Oh, relax. It's just one of Niles's little crushes. 
  - Oh, I suppose you're right. Niles is harmless enough. Besides, he'd never try anything with Maris in the house. 
- - Oh, Maris never made it back. She's stuck in Arizona.
  - I've gotta get Daphne out of there! <i>He jumps to his feet and grabs his coat.</i> 
- - Why?!
  - Why? My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors! 
- - <i>grabs his coat<i> Wait for me!
  - Oh, Dad, Dad, you're not coming! 
- - Yes, I am!
  - No, you're not! 
- - This is stupid.
  - It is not. 
- - Look, nothing's going to happen between them anyway.
  - What if it does? He's my brother and he loves his wife! Now, now, I know, I know their marriage is not exactly everyone's cup of tea. But on some twisted, bizarre level it seems to work for them. If Niles ever did anything to hurt to his marriage, he's the one who'd suffer. He's my brother and I won't let him suffer! 
- - Hey, slow down! You're going to miss the turn onto Roosevelt. 
  - Dad, I let you come along strictly on the agreement that you would not give directions. 
- - I'm not giving directions, I'm just telling you which way's faster.
  - Roosevelt'll add ten minutes. 
- - In sunshine. In rain it's faster!
  - Oh what, spatial relationships change when it rains?! 
- - You flooded it. You had to keep pumping gas and now you flooded it.
  - Dad, you cannot flood a fuel-injected engine. Oh, this so maddening. We're so close to the house, I can see the gargoyles! 
- - If we'd have taken Roosevelt...
  - We'd be stuck on Roosevelt! 
- - You never can admit it when you made a mistake, could you?
  - <i>unbuckles seatbelt</i> Oh that is it, just call the auto club, I'm gonna make a dash for it. <i>He gets out of the car and runs.</i> 
- - <i>laughs<i> That's the loveliest thing anyone's ever said to me. Thank you, Dr. Crane. You're a good friend. <i>Unaware that Frasier has just vaulted onto the terrace outside, Daphne leans forward and kisses Niles on the cheek. Just asshe does, lightning flashes and thunder booms.<i>
  - <i>STOOOOOO-OOOP! STOOOOOP!</i><i>They turn in shock to see Frasier, soaking wet, pounding on the glass doors with both fists and screaming, looking rather like Dustin Hoffman in "The Graduate", or with the lightning crashing behind him, a character in an old horror film.</i> 
- - Frasier!<i>Niles opens a side door and Frasier rushes in.<i>
  - My God, have you two gone mad?! You'll regret this for the rest of your lives! 
- - What are you talking about?
  - Well, the two of you here alone, the fire, the candlelight, the nightie! 
- - Close enough.
  - I'm sorry, Daphne, I didn't mean to suggest that, I didn't try to imply that... 
- - Well then, exactly what was it you wanted us to stop doing?
  - I... wanted you to stop standing here in silence. A night like this calls for music! Daphne, please, some wine for all of us. Niles, join me at the piano, please.<i>Daphne goes and pours some wine. Frasier grabs Niles by the arm and pulls him down onto the piano bench with him.</i>
- - Absolutely. Frasier, my Glockenspiel is working again!<i>Frasier browses through his "Gray's Anatomy" for a moment, then<i>
  - Shall we?<i>They begin to play.</i><i>End of Act Two (Time 2215)</i>
- - <i>on-air<i> ...4 for 17 on Sunday, he calls himself a quarterback? I've passed kidney stones with more accuracy!
  - <i>to Roz, who's just passing by</i> Roz, Roz. Listen, could you go in there and get my briefcase for me? I was just on my way out but I left it in the studio. 
- - Why don't you go get it?
  - Well, because every time I go in there, he puts me on the air and humiliates me. 
- - <i>holding up briefcase<i> So, doc? Who's your pick for the Giants- Saints game this weekend?
  - <i>wearily</i> The Giants.
- - You're kidding!
  - The Saints?
- - <i>Italian<i> Dropp-a your pants and bend over, I take-a your temperature.
  - Hello, Bulldog.
- - You're kidding!
  - Somebody has to win.
- - Yeah. They would if the Giants and Saints were playing this weekend! <i>He plays a tape of a donkey braying, then throws the briefcase toFrasier.<i>
  - Yes, that was very funny indeed. I wished you'd played it on my show. It deserves to be heard by a much larger audience. Hee haw! Hee haw! <i>leaves</i><i>FADE OUT</i>
- - In that case, corn-nut to Rook 7.<i>Frasier arrives.<i>
  - Hello all. 
- - Evening, Dr. Crane. Guess what your brother brought, champagne.
  - Oh, Maris left for Chicago already? 
- - Hey Frasier, I'm glad you're here, I've got a favour to ask you.
  - What is it, dad? 
- - Well, you know my old buddy from the force Joe Linski's running the benefit for the Widows and Orphans fund this year, and he's doing one of those bachelor auctions and he's out looking for local celebrities and I thought if we could get somebody really famous from the radio station...
  - Dad, say no more. I'd be delighted to help. 
- - Great. So you'll ask Bulldog tomorrow?
  - ...Bulldog. 
- - Oh. Well, you know, don't get me wrong, I was going to ask you too.
  - Mm-hmm? 
- - Yeah I was, I was. I was just saving the best for last.
  - A-ha. 
- - Oh Frasier, give him a break. If he backpedals any faster, he'll trip over his walker.
  - All right, I'll do it. 
- - Oh, great! I really appreciate it... you won't forget to ask Bulldog, will ya?
  - I'll leave a note on his hydrant. 
- - It'll never happen, Niles.
  - Thank you, dad. 
- - <i>offstage, or rather, on stage, if you know what I mean<i> Our next bachelor on the block is public television's own cute and cuddly Mr. Science. 
  - My God! The estrogen levels are off the charts out there! 
- - Yeah, isn't it great? I mean, deep down, chicks are just like guys. We all want the same thing. 
  - Well, I've got news for them Frasier Crane does not put out. All they're getting for their little donation is a well- prepared gourmet meal and a handshake at the door. 
- - BORING! My date gets a stretch limo, moon roof, dinner, floor seats at the Sonics game and these incredible buns of steel. <i>turns around<i> Feel 'em, doc. Come on, feel 'em! 
  - Thank you, no!<i>As Martin enters we hear the announcer on the stage say-</i>
- - Man, you show these women a little celebrity beefcake and they go nutso. 
  - I don't mind telling you dad, I'm a little bit nervous. This is a textbook case of mob mentality. I hope all the fire exits are clearly marked. 
- - Ah, relax, relax, will ya? 
  - Right, that's easy for you to say. You're not the one jumping into the Rottweiler pit with a pork chop around your neck! 
- - Where do I pay?
  - Roz! 
- - Number 20? <i>this is Frasier<i>
  - <i>nervously</i> That's me. 
- - You know son, I haven't had a chance to tell you how much I appreciate this. You know, having somebody like you in the auction really adds class.
  - My pleasure, dad. 
- - So Doc, who bought ya? 
  - I have no idea. Last thing I remember is someone shouting out, "Shake your money maker." 
- - Dr. Crane? Christina Harper. I just bought you. 
  - You? You? You... bought me.
- - I listen to your show all the time, I'm a big fan of yours. 
  - Well, how... wonderful. Ah, you bought me for, for five hundred dollars. That's a lot of money.
- - Oh, that's all right, I just did a big layout for "Seattle Style." 
  - Oh, are you a photographer?
- - No, I'm a model. 
  - A model! How wonderful. For you.
- - So um, how about Friday? 
  - Ah, Friday's fine. I live at the Elliot Bay Towers on the Counterbalance. Ah, around seven?
- - Sounds great. See you then. 
  - Bye.<i>Christina exits as Bulldog enters.</i> 
- - No kidding, she almost put my eye out. 
  - So you're back awfully quick. 
- - <i>leaves, saying to her as he slaps her behind<i> I gotta take a squirt. When I come back, we'll play fetch.<i>He slaps Daphne's backside and exits.<i> 
  - Oh my God, Daphne. Why? 
- - Hi, Frasier. Sorry I'm late, but I got a last minute call for a job. 
  - Oh, well that's all right, you're here now, and you look enchanting.
- - No, you don't understand. The job's tonight. But we could have dinner later. 
  - Oh, well I suppose that's all right.
- - I hope you didn't go to too much trouble? 
  - Oh, no-no-no-no-no.
- - <i>looking at room<i> You rented a restaurant trolley. 
  - No, no, I own it. Don't tell me that you don't have one?
- - There's just one more thing. Um, my friend Sandy got called in on the same job, and she was supposed to look after my daughter. <i>She indicates the corridor. Frasier looks out to find a young girlstanding there.<i> 
  - Don't tell me you want me to babysit?
- - Look, I wouldn't do this, but I'm really in a jam. Look, Sandy'll take her as soon as we get back, and umm, that'll leave just the two of us. 
  - Christina, I'm not really sure if I can... <i>He catches onto her look.</i> 
- - A ton. 
  - Bring the darling in.
- - Dr. Crane, this is my daughter Renata. 
  - Hello. <i>she says nothing</i>
- - She's shy at first. See you later. <i>She exits.<i> 
  - Well... come on in, have a seat. Can I get you, um, a soft drink? Goose liver pate? Renata, that's a pretty name. I suppose it has some poetic, romantic significance... 
- - Can I use your phone? 
  - Now, Renata. We're going to be spending the evening together, let's try to make the best of it, shall we? I may surprise you, you know. I'm probably more "with it" than you think I am... the phone's right there.<i>End of Act One.</i> <i>Act Two</i>
- - No way! That is so fresh. No way. No way. No... way. Hold on, there's another call. <i>changes lines<i> He'll call you back. <i>switches back<i> No way...
  - Who was that? 
- - I don't know. <i>into phone<i> No way! Oh god, another call's coming in.
  - <i>taking phone</i> Do you mind? I'll answer this one, thank you. Hello? <i>gives phone back</i> It's for you. 
- - Hello? Hey, Tiffany. 
  - Tiffany? I thought you just spoke to Tiffany? 
- - That was Tiffany Schwartz. This is Tiffany Martinez.
  - Celebrate the ethnic mosiac that is America, but nonetheless... <i>takes phone and hangs up</i> 
- - What's your damage?
  - Well, I'll tell you what my damage is, young lady. You've been Talking on the phone for an hour and a half. You haven't said a word to me except to ask for more Cheetos. <i>Eddie barks</i> They're coming, Eddie! 
- - Excuse me. Like I'm supposed to be happy I'm here? Her Fabulousness dumps me with a total stranger who could be a total perv.
  - Well, I'm not exactly thrilled about it either, but your mother was in a bind. And for the record, I am not a perv. 
- - You don't get it. She is always doing stuff like this. She's a flake.
  - Nonetheless, flake or not, you are in my charge. I think it's Time you had something that was a bit more nutritious. Now, how about some seafood crepes? Lobster Neuberg? <i>gives up</i> Corn dog dipped in curare?<i>N.B. Curare - a VERY powerful neurotoxin found in South America.</i> 
- - You got any raw cookie dough?
  - Even more lethal. Yes, just come on into the kitchen, we'll See what we've got. 
- - You know, you wouldn't have gotten anywhere with this gourmet Meal routine. She eats like, nothing. She's a total diet freak. That's all she talks about, besides herself.
  - You don't care much for your mother, do you? 
- - Well, duh.
  - You know, I have a son. I'd hate to think by the time he's your age, he thinks of me as some sort of, um... 
- - Dweeb?
  - Thank you. 
- - Brace yourself.
  - Oh well, look what we have here. <i>pulls a packet of cookie dough from the freezer</i> Will one tube suffice? <i>He cuts the packet in half and gives one to Renata.</i> 
- - You mean you want me to tell you all my problems like those Gomers on your show? Like you care.
  - I do care about the Gomers. I even care about you. 
- - Don't make me hurl! <i>Frasier gives up and sits down<i> She keeps telling people I'm younger than I am.
  - Why do you think she does that? 
- - So they won't know how old she is. I've been nine for the past three years.
  - Really? 
- - That's nothing. Once, she promised to take me ice-skating for my birthday? On the way there she saw a tattoo parlor. So she just left me out on the sidewalk 'til she could get a stupid butterfly tattooed on her shoulder. It's like she forgot I was even out there.
  - My God! How old were you? 
- - That was the first time I was nine.
  - What does your father say about all this? 
- - Tony? He's on the road with Whitesnake all the time.
  - Whitesnake? Is that a musical group or a pet? 
- - I'd better not. If I gain an ounce, she goes ballistic. She makes me weigh in every morning.
  - You poor thing! 
- - Hi, I'm back. <i>kisses Frasier<i> Renata, honey. <i>kisses her<i> Sandy's waiting downstairs in the car. 
  - Renata, I must say I had a rather enjoyable evening. 
- - You don't get out much, do you? <i>leaves<i> 
  - You know, I think she likes me.
- - Well uh, thank you for helping me out. Now, roll out that trolley, I'm starving. 
  - You know, Christina, I don't think so. I think you ought to go home and spend the evening with your daughter.
- - But I thought we had a date? 
  - Well, you know, when we first met, I was, well, attracted by your remarkable beauty. But now that I know a bit more about you, well suddenly you don't look so good, sister.
- - Excuse me? 
  - A daughter is a privilege, not an inconvenience. You don't Leave her standing on some street corner while you're inside getting tattooed! Or keep her in some ageless Never-never Land where everyone is nine for ever and ever!
- - Renata told you I did that. 
  - Yes! She also told me about the morning weigh-in's. And the time you left her with the coat-check girl at the Palladium, so you could go dancing! I mean, what kind of excuse for a mother are you, anyway?
- - Well. Did it ever occur to you that she might be lying? 'Cause this is the first night I've been out in over a year. God knows John and Maryanne never take her. 
  - Who are they?
- - Her father and his new wife. 
  - Oh, who are Tony and Whitesnake?
- - Our two dogs. Do you know what I do most nights? I stay home. And I help her with her homework, or French lessons. Oh, except last Saturday, when I took her and her twelve friends to an ice-skating party. 
  - I don't suppose there's any chance that during that party you got your shoulder tattooed?
- - <i>lowers her coat and turns round<i> Do you see anything there?<i>Of course, Frasier sees no tattoo &mdash; only the smooth, flawless skin ofher back &mdash; which, he realizes, is all he'll ever see of her.<i> 
  - No. But then my eyes are tearing up. But why would she lie?
- - Because she's twelve, and she's mad at me. She wanted to stay home alone, and I wouldn't let her. I probably would have been better off if I had. God, some shrink you are! 
  - Please don't go, child development is not my thing. My specialty is adult relations.
- - Well, you won't be having any of those tonight. 
  - Christina, please don't go, I...
- - Is the coast clear? What happened to the supermodel?
  - She left. 
- - Oh. Was kinda afraid I might walk in on an embarrassing moment.
  - Should have been here half an hour ago. 
- - Well, your date's left, what are you doing still sitting up?
  - I was wondering if my sweet little boy's going to turn out to be a monster when he's twelve. 
- - What the hell brought that up?
  - Oh, it's a long story. Do you really want to hear it? 
- - Well, it is getting late. Look, all kids are the same. They start out cute, then somewhere along the way they get into that obnoxious, know-it-all stage and you think they'll never grow out of it.
  - But eventually they do? 
- - I'm still hoping.<i>The phone rings, Frasier answers.<i>
  - Hello? Oh, Daphne. How was your evening? ...No way!<i>Martin reacts.</i><i>End of Act Two.</i>
- - Wow! The Golden Door Spa!
  - Ooh, yes! 
- - Look at those accommodations! That is nice!<i>She gives the leaflet to Frasier.<i>
  - I plan to leave Dad and Eddie to fend for themselves while I go off and spend an obscene amount of money being pampered like a spoiled child. I know it's self-indulgent, but what else are vacations for? By the way, what are you doing for your week off? 
- - Oh, I'm taking my mom to Ireland to stay in the sod house where her mother was born.
  - Why don't you just write the words "bad son" on my forehead! 
- - I'm sorry. That one even surprised me!<i>She walks into the adjoining producer's suite. Frasier follows her through.<i>
  - You know, it's just that when I think of the relationship I have with my dad I can't help but envy the relationship you have with your mother. 
- - Well, it didn't just happen. We work at it, spend time together...
  - Roz, are you forgetting that my father lives with me? How much more time together could we spend! 
- - Thank you, Daphne.
  - Dad, I've had an idea and I hope you're as excited about it as I am. <i>opens his briefcase and takes out the holiday brochures</i> I want to take you on vacation! 
- - What'd you have in mind? 
  - Well, this isn't about where I want to go, this is about where you want to go.<i>Frasier fans out the leaflets and lays them on the table by hisfather in an extravagant gesture.</i>
- - <i>reading one<i> The Galy-pay-gos islands, huh? "Where iguanas, sea-lions and giant tortoises live in eternal harmony." <i>to Frasier<i> Is it important they get along?
  - No, I suppose not.<i>Niles has also been looking through the leaflets.</i> 
- - <i>suspicious<i> Why?
  - Well, I thought an adventure might do us good, give us a chance to have some fun, maybe get reacquainted, even do a little bonding. 
- - They don't mind.
  - Well, we obviously haven't struck the right chord yet, but we will, we will. Dad, why don't you just suggest something? 
- - You really want to go on a trip with me?
  - Yes I do! I'll go anywhere you want to! Anywhere! 
- - Okay. Well, maybe I'm not as sophisticated as you, but I think I should see America first!
  - Great! We're Americans, we should see America! 
- - And I want to see it in a Winnebago!<i>Frasier stands up in horror, but with feigned enthusiasm.<i>
  - A Winnebago! Hot damn, that has a real ring to it! <i>He crosses to pour a drink.</i> 
- - Yeah! It's something your mother and I always dreamed about doing when I retired.
  - Then that is exactly the trip we are going to take! 
- - You really mean it?
  - Absolutely! 
- - Yeah, let's pop open a couple of beers! I think I've got a bag of pork rinds in here too!
  - Oh, the final touch! I almost feel like I'm in a trailer park already!<i>He hangs his head in horror, leaning on the mantelpiece in despair.Niles crosses the room towards him.</i> 
- - <i>mockingly<i> Oh, Winnebago Boy? Make sure to hang a lot of beach chairs on the back and give it a really cute name like... "The Whoopin' Cranes!"<i>He dissolves into laughter.<i>
  - Oh, Niles. When I agreed to see America with Dad I thought we'd be staying in five-star resorts! When I said together I meant adjoining suites! 
- - Just tell him you think it's a bad idea.
  - I can't do that, he's counting on this trip too much. It was his dream, he was going to go on this trip with Mom. 
- - Yeah, but she lucked out and died! <i>laughs<i><i>Frasier pulls Niles to the corner of the apartment to be sure theycan't be heard from the kitchen.<i>
  - <i>in desperation</i> Niles listen, listen. If Dad and I get into a Winnebago together only one of us will come out alive. You've got to come with us! 
- - Well, it sounded like a good idea when it came out of my mouth, but the more I think about it... I mean, can you really see me and Frasier together all day and then crawling into our bunks at Night, lying head to head... bonding? <i>shivers<i> Eew! I'll pay you! I've got pension money!<i>Cut back to Niles and Frasier.<i>
  - I remember a car trip we took when I was nine? We drove from Seattle to Spokane. The only thing he said to me was, "I think we've got a problem with your brother Frasier." 
- - Oh, you heard how he wants to go. I don't want to disappoint him!<i>Cut to Niles and Frasier.<i>
  - I don't want to disappoint him!! 
- - It's everything I'd hoped it'd be, only better! It's like sitting in your own living room watching TV! Only it isn't TV, it's America!
  - Yes Dad, it's the ultimate in virtual reality programming - actual reality. 
- - <i>Looking at map<i> Okay, we've got a turn-off coming up in about five miles, so start slowing down.
  - Righto, Dad. 
- - How does it feel behind that wheel, Dr. Crane?
  - Manly! This is mine, and it's big!<i>There is a flushing sound, and Niles appears from the back of thevehicle.</i> 
- - Remember the old days, Niles? <i>to Daphne<i> When they were kids, all they had in the back seat was a mayonnaise jar.
  - Yes, it took quite a bit of skill to use it successfully at seventy miles per hour! Never really been fond of mayonnaise since... 
- - Okay, turnoff's coming up now, we're about four miles away, get ready, it's coming up! Alright, you're okay on the right! It's never to early to move over!
  - You know, Dad, I was wondering. What inspired you to choose that uniquely American man-made wonder, Mount Rushmore? 
- - Well, you've certainly got this trip well-planned, Mr. Crane! Whenever I take a holiday I just grab a fresh pair of knickers and see where the wind takes me!<i>At this comment Niles proceeds to look back at Daphne's backside.<i>
  - <i>noticing</i> Niles... Niles!<i>Frasier then pulls hard right on the steering wheel making the vehicle swerve sharply left. Everyone else remains in the same place but Niles, caught off balance, crashes left into some overhead cupboards, right into a chair behind Daphne and then falls spectacularly onto the floor whilst clutching at the kitchen sideboard. He quickly attempts to retake his place behind Frasier, before Daphne and Martin notice. Unsuccessfully. Martin looks strangely at Niles, not realising why Frasier swerved, then looks curiously at Frasier as if to say, "What the hell was that!" Frasier, however, drives on happily with a large smile on his face.</i>
- - What are you talking about?
  - Well, you know, why should we be so beholden to maps and schedules? We should roam! America has always been enchanted with the romance of the open highway. Jack Kerouac went "on the road," Buzz and Todd got their "kicks on Route 66!" The adventure is in the journey! We should just ramble! 
- - Frasier watch it, you're going to miss the turn off!!
  - So? 
- - We'll get lost!
  - Lost from where? We're in a house on wheels! Wherever we go, we're home! 
- - No! It's coming up! <i>tugging at Frasier's arm<i> It's coming up! Alright, turn here! <i>frantically<i> This is it! Turn! Turn here...! We missed it!!<i>Daphne and Niles look on in amusement.<i>
  - Dad, we didn't miss anything! 
- - <i>horrified<i> Oh my God!
  - We are now on the road less traveled. From now on there is a new order! We dance to the rhythm of the road. 
- - I've got to say, I was pretty anxious, but I'm starting to like this free spirit stuff!
  - <i>pointing out of window</i> Oh Dad, Dad look! There's a historical marker up ahead! Let's stop! Let's go see it, huh? 
- - What did it say?
  - I don't know. The only word I saw was "Legendary." 
- - <i>spotting another attraction on the other side of the road<i> Oh, oh look, a roadside stand! Fresh fruit, homemade apple cider! Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad... Both Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, DAD!<i>Martin once again drives right by and the boys turn to look at thestand as it whizzes by. Once again they turn back disappointedly,and Niles punches the back of Martins chair lightly.<i>
  - Look Dad, you seem to be missing the freewheeling concept.<i>He tries to sit down but Eddie is in the chair. He sits down anyway and Eddie is squashed to the side of the chair, then sits on Frasier's knee. Niles picks up the camcorder and begins to film the view out of the front of the van.</i> 
- - It's blowing, we're going, why are you moaning?
  - <i>angrily</i> What is this obsession you have with covering a certain distance? 
- - Hey, watch it! I've got my kids in the car! <i>As he has been shouting he has veered to the left. He straightens out quickly by swerving to the right, sending Niles once again crashinginto the overhead lockers. Niles reels back, stunned.<i>
  - What you call relaxing seems like a man with an obsession to me! Don't you think so, Niles? <i>He turns to Niles, who has started to videotape Daphne, who is sleeping.</i>
- - I'm making a vacation video, something that we can look at years from now, over and over and over and over again...<i>Frasier stands up and takes the camera from him.<i>
  - Just give me that! 
- - He's stuffed! 
  - You know, your sign said "a live bear."
- - <i>looking at picture behind bear<i> Would you look at that view! It's like we're really there! 
  - Yes, but if we were actually there dad, we'd be whizzing past at fifty miles per hour! 
- - Oh Frasier, look! It's the gourmet food department! 
  - Oh! Homemade deer jerky! 
- - <i>reading notice with a sarcastic laugh<i> No sampling... 
  - No problem!<i>Martin and Daphne are standing in front of the bear.</i> 
- - Okay! <i>to lady<i> Excuse me! Would you take our picture, please? Niles, Frasier, come on up here! Okay, everybody, alright, here we go! Everybody ready? Now, what should we do? 
  - Well, how about this? <i>he puts his hands up and opens his mouth wide as if he's scared of the bear</i> 
- - Now, before I take it, you know it's ten dollars Canadian. 
  - Oh, for a treasured memory like this, what's money?<i>Everyone puts on their "scared" faces.</i>
- - But we can't be in Canada! I'm not allowed to leave the United States!
  - Why? 
- - They have to take you back, it's not your fault. <i>He crosses to comfort her<i>
  - <i>to Martin</i> This wouldn't have happened if you weren't so hell-bent on getting so many miles under your belt today! 
- - Oh, get real Niles, they've got the rules!
  - Oh, then what's your solution dad? 
- - <i>very sarcastically<i> Oh, thanks Niles. I knew it was something bad guys did, I just didn't know the technical term!
  - Dad, I can't believe that you of all people, a former policeman, are actually suggesting that we commit a felony! 
- - Bloody right! It beats having me bum bounced back across the pond! Let's give it a bash. <i>The others exit and Frasier is left holding the door.<i>
  - Oh, yes. This is foolproof...<i>Frasier exits.FADE TO</i>
- - <i>repeating the accent<i> "Sure." That's it, that's all I can say! <i>Martin looks horrified<i> Oh, I need a cup of tea!
  - TEA! Why don't you just wave a crumpet in the air and start singing, "God save the Queen"!! 
- - I've never been so nervous.
  - I don't think there's any need to be. They're waving everyone through... they're not even asking any questions! 
- - Oh, please, please, please!
  - They're waving us through... they're waving us through... they're pulling us over... they're pulling us over! <i>The gang look mortified. Niles resumes rocking back and forwards.FADE TO</i>
- - Oh, great!
  - Canada, wow! 
- - <i>after an equally long pause<i> I see. <i>to Frasier<i> And where were you born, Sir?
  - Seattle, Washington. Oh, you want to know what country? Oh, well, America! Of course! I'm quite an American really, I vote all the time, and always for the law and order guy! I... 
- - <i>To Frasier<i> Is this your vehicle Sir?
  - Oh, no. Yes, yes! Well, I rented it! It's American-made, you see, I always look for that union label... 
- - I just need your license and registration.
  - Oh, right, uh, it's right here in this little side pocket. There's the registration. Let me get my license out for you... oh, yes, here we are! 
- - It's too late to turn back! I say we make a run for it.
  - Oh yes, great idea! A high-speed chase in an eight-ton motor home! It'll make an amusing anecdote for the border guard newsletter! 
- - Well, these check out. All Well, glad to hear that...
  - All strictly on the up and up...<i>Daphne has her head turned from the guard. He looks at her suspiciously.</i> 
- - <i>standing<i> Dad, don't!
  - It was just a mistake! 
- - I for one, didn't even know that you needed one.
  - Yes, but ignorance of the law is no defense so take the little dog away and we'll be off! 
- - Retired. Thirty years on the Seattle police force. Me of all people should know better, huh?
  - Absolutely. 
- - Thanks, officer.
  - Thank you. <i>The Guard exits. They all break into individual victory dances.</i> 
- - About two hours. This highway goes right into Seattle. Why don't you lean back, take a little nap?
  - Oh no, I'm okay. I though maybe we'd chat a little bit. 
- - You know Frasier, I just can't help it. When we're alone together I just don't know what the hell to say. I'm sure you figured out that's why I asked Daphne to come along.
  - Well, I had my suspicions but I hoped that wasn't the case. 
- - Oh, knock it off. That's why you asked Niles to come along too.
  - That's why I asked him, but that's not why he came.<i>They both laugh.</i> 
- - You know, the funny thing, we didn't have such a bad time, did we? <i>they both laugh again<i>
  - <i>imitating guard and Martin</i> "I see you've got a badge there..." "Oh, yeah!" <i>They laugh again. Frasier picks up the map and starts to examine it.</i> 
- - Oh, I always wanted to see Old Faithful!
  - Me, too! 
- - If you wanted a real adventure we could drop these two sleeping beauties off at home first.
  - You mean it? Just the two of us alone? 
- - Yeah!
  - Just you and me, father and son! 
- - Yeah! You and me, camping out in Yellowstone, all alone!
  - All by ourselves! <i>The excitement goes out of their faces as the reality of this situation dawns on them. There is another awkward silence.</i> 
- - Well, you know, it'd be an awful shame if Daphne didn't get to see those Indian paint pots...
  - Yes, of course. 
- - They are a real miracle of nature.
  - Yeah. Wouldn't be fair to leave Niles just to ramble around that old house all by himself. 
- - Maris out of town? That'd be cruel.
  - Yeah, absolutely. So, how long do you figure it'll take us to get to Yellowstone? 
- - Well, if we drive all night we'll be there tomorrow.
  - It'll be a nice surprise for the two of them when they wake up in the morning. 
- - <i>v.o.<i> Thank you. I enjoy your show as well.
  - Really? 
- - Yes. Though I do not in most cases agree with your analysis.
  - Back to your book. Now, we're all very familiar with the changes in the female menopause, but your research indicates... 
- - Excuse me, Dr. Crane. May I say hello to Roz?
  - Yes, of course. 
- - Hello, Dr. Bruga.
  - Yes, your research indicates that the reproductive imperative is re-awakened in later life, when the man is... 
- - You have a very sensuous voice.
  - ...Thank you. 
- - Not you, Roz.
  - Yes well, back to male menopause. 
- - No. No, thank you very much.
  - Well, our time has just flown by. Thank you for joining us, Dr. Bruga, and for so vividly proving your point. 
- - You will give Roz my number?
  - Oh, I think Roz has your number!<i>FADE OUT</i>
- - <i>looking<i> Oh yes, thank you.<i>Frasier enters and takes in the scene.<i>
  - <i>deadpan</i> Hello, Niles. Whatever are you doing here? 
- - I, um, bought an emerald necklace for Maris, and I needed some place to hide it for her birthday.
  - Emeralds? Well, may I see it? 
- - Not at the moment, no.
  - Why not? 
- - It's down me blouse.
  - I see. Well, I'm sure Maris will never think of looking for it there. 
- - Just call me butterfingers.
  - Join a health club, Niles.<i>Martin and Eddie arrive.</i> 
- - Hey, Dad.
  - Oh, hi, Dad. 
- - Oh, it's getting that time again, huh? Well, I guess I'm gonna have to get her something. It's too bad, I just got back from the hardware store. Saw a great-looking ratchet set.
  - As if there's anything left on her that needs tightening.<i>Martin brings out a roll of duct tape.</i>
- - Yeah. <i>applying a length to The Chair<i> I gotta repair a little split in the old throne here. You gotta catch these rips early, or they look like hell.
  - You know, Dad, instead of repairing this old relic all the time, why don't we just bring the Eames down here? 
- - Ah no, that thing's too fancy for me, I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny. <i>starts towards bedroom<i>
  - <i>sotto voce</i> How about Florida? 
- - You're afraid to stand up to him, aren't you?
  - Oh, like you're not. 
- - I heard that. <i>He leaves.<i>
  - God, you know, when you think of all the care I put into decorating my home, only to have it mocked by this atrocity. 
- - Well, at least I don't have to live with something unattractive.<i>Frasier shoots Niles a look from under raised eyebrows. Niles, taking his meaning, looks offended.<i>
  - Oh Niles, Niles, I'm just having some fun with you. Actually, I think Maris is rather attractive - in a, a minimalist sort of way. <i>then</i> Oh, forget it, I'm just upset about the chair. 
- - The bottom line is, it is your home. Why don't you just make him get rid of it?
  - Yes well, it's not as simple as all that. I mean, one would have to find the appropriate moment. I mean, Dad does have his feelings, and one should consider those, and he has quite an attachment to this little chair... 
- - You know, Frasier, there is a perfectly sound psychological basis for getting rid of this chair.
  - Oh, really? Well, enlighten me, doctor. 
- - With pleasure. Originally, Dad needed it to bridge the transition from his old apartment to life here with you. But as with all transitional objects - be they a teddy bear, be they a thumb, be they a blankie, be they a chair...
  - Stop saying "Be they!" 
- - The point is, there comes a time when the healthy thing is to put these security objects aside and reassert your independence. 
  - Yes, of course. So what you're saying is that if I should, say, go down to the store and buy Dad a new chair, throw this one in the trash heap, I wouldn't be doing it for me, I'd be doing it for him. 
- - Dear God, Frasier, we've stumbled upon Hell's waiting room. 
  - All right, now this is not a moment for the faint of heart. We're treading a thin line here, Niles. We've got to find something that compliments my decor as well as fulfills Dad's requirements.<i>He sees one with a particularly ghastly covering. </i> 
- - It looks like someone upholstered it in golf pants.<i>A salesman walks past them.<i> 
  - Excuse me, perhaps you could help us here.
- - <i>not stopping<i> Yeah, perhaps. 
  - Well, we're looking for a chair.
- - <i>still not stopping<i> We got 'em. 
  - Wait, wait-wait-wait! <i>the salesman stops</i> 
- - <i>pointing to chair at random<i> This one vibrates. 
  - Yes well, perhaps you could direct us to your recliners, preferably one in suede.
- - People seem to like this "Lazy-guy." 
  - Lazy-guy." I wonder what they call the deluxe model? The "Hopeless Slack-Ass?"<i>Niles bends over laughing, then notices a black leather recliner.</i> 
- - Oh, hey. Well, what about this one over here? <i>points to leather recliner<i> 
  - You know, I-I hate to admit it, but that would not look altogether hideous in my living room.
- - Oh, ha, no thank you. 
  - Go ahead, Niles. Try it out.
- - OHHH... I never knew a chair could be this satisfying... I never knew that anything could. I want it. 
  - Right, Niles. I'm sure it would fit right in with all of Maris's 18th-century antiques. 
- - So what do you think? Why don't you have a try yourself? 
  - Well, I don't really think that's necessary. You see, I'm buying it for my father.. 
- - No, no. You've got to sit in it. 
  - And who knows about other people's tastes.. 
- - He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone too. I think he suspects foul play.
  - <i>to Eddie</i> Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!<i>Eddie quiets down. The doorbell bing bongs. </i>
- - Dr. Crane, make way.
  - All right, now just be careful now, Leo. Watch the furniture and the walls. 
- - Whoa... how'd that get there? Hey look, at least I didn't lose my license this time, right?
  - All right, all right. Quickly, quickly. I'm sure Beavis will start to wonder where you are.<i>Leo clumsily drops the chair off the dolly.</i> 
- - <i>re chair<i> Oh, Dr Crane, it's lovely. Well, I thought the other one was nice, but this is smashing.
  - Well, try it out, try it out. And it has a little surprise. <i>He plugs it in as Daphne sits.</i> 
- - This is comfy. Although it's a little on the soft side. I prefer... <i>Frasier switches it on<i> Hello... ohh... ohh... ohh... this is enough to make me give up me search for a meaningful relationship.<i>The front door starts to open.<i>
  - Oh, quick, quick, that's Dad. Get out, get out, get out. <i>pulls Daphne out of chair</i> 
- - <i>entering<i> Hey, there.
  - Hi, Dad. I've ah, got a little surprise for you.<i>He and Daphne moves aside to reveal the new chair.</i> 
- - What's that?
  - It's your new easy chair. 
- - Well... what do you know about that? Where's my old chair?
  - It's down in the storage space. Come on, try this one out. 
- - Oh look, I appreciate this, Frasier. But that - it, it... it really isn't me.
  - Dad, Dad, you haven't even sat in it yet. Come on, come on, come on down, Martin Crane.<i>Martin sits. Frasier turns it on. Martin is appalled.</i> 
- - That's disgusting! No, no look, Frasier, I'm sorry, but I'm a creature of habit and I think that I'd rather have my old chair back.
  - Well Dad, but why? I mean this chair's a lot more comfortable than the old one, and it's, it's therapeutic as well. 
- - I know. It's, I just never cared for leather, you know? You stick to it in the hot weather, you can't sit in it in your shorts, it makes my back sweat. Black's hot. I, I, I, I'm sorry, I just couldn't get used to this chair.
  - All right Dad, fine. The important thing is that you lived with it for a full fifteen seconds. Leo!<i>Leo re-enters.</i> 
- - What?!
  - Are you saying that someone broke into my storage space and stole my father's chair? 
- - Your storage space?
  - Well, that's where I told you to put it. You did put it there, didn't you? 
- - <i>to Frasier<i> You threw my chair away! Are you happy now, it's gone!
  - <i>escorting Leo out</i> Listen Leo, you have got to find that chair. I don't care what you have to do. Comb the entire building, search the neighborhood, just find my father's chair! 
- - Dump the chair," "Get the chair," "Find the chair," what am I, the building lackey?
  - YES! 
- - Well, this couldn't have worked out any better for you, could it? You've been trying to get rid of that chair from the day I moved in here.
  - Dad, you could at least show a little gratitude, I didn't do this for me, I did it for you. 
- - Like hell! <i>gets beer<i>
  - Geez, you're acting like I lost the chair on purpose. 
- - Hey, let me tell you something. That chair was the only thing that made me feel comfortable in this house - that made me feel that maybe this was my home too.
  - Oh, baloney! Ever since you got here all I've tried to do is make you comfortable. I don't even know why I bothered. I mean, everybody knows Martin Crane doesn't like calfskin, he prefers duct tape!<i>He seizes Martin's roll of tape, tears off a length and sticksit onto the new chair. </i>
- - I suppose you're going to be throwing Eddie out by the dumpster next!
  - Oh Dad, I don't know why you're carrying on this way. We are, after all, talking about a twenty-five year-old, broken-down chair. If you don't like this chair, I'll get you another one. Any chair you want! 
- - Hey, Fras! How was your weekend?
  - Hellish. 
- - <i>not hearing him<i> Great! Let me tell you what happened to me. See I had this most incredible date Saturday night. It was really hot. So Sunday, I'm driving home...
  - Sunday? 
- - I told you, it was hot. So anyway, my car breaks down right in front of this church, and all the people are just coming out after the show...
  - Service. 
- - What?
  - Churches don't have shows, they have services. 
- - Can I finish my story?
  - All right, all right. 
- - Thank you. So, I walk up to the minister--is that all right?
  - Mm-hmm. 
- - And I ask him if I can use his phone. And he tells me my sweater's on inside out. One thing led to another, and we have a date tonight. Ministers aren't celibate, are they? Not that I don't love a challenge.
  - You know Roz, maybe you should take a sick day sometime, call into the show yourself. <i>He settles into his chair, ready for the show.</i> 
- - You're on the air.
  - <i>on air</i> Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. Now before I take my first caller, I'd like to make a personal appeal. Last Saturday, my father's chair was taken from in front of the Elliott Bay Towers, and it's a runny split-pea green and mud-brown striped recliner with the occasional spot of stuffing popping out from underneath a strip of duct tape. Aas incredible as this may seem, I'm offering a handsome reward for its safe return. Thank you. And now Roz, who's on line one? 
- - Oh yeah, the calls have been pouring in.
  - Really? And what are they? 
- - Well, so far it's been spotted at the top of the Space Needle, in the Governor's Mansion, and a man on Lake Stevens said he saw it flying over his house, but he thought it was just a spaceship from a tacky planet.
  - Funny stuff, people. Well, let's just go to commercial break so you all can chuckle through these words from Yukon Lumber. <i>He goes off the air and walks into Roz's area, where she is on the phone.</i>
- - <i>writing message<i> Uh-huh. Uh-huh... I got it. He'll be there just as soon as the show's over, thank you so much. <i>hangs up<i> 
  - What? What is it? 
- - Frasier, I found the chair. <i>hands him a message slip<i>
  - Oh, great. Oh, thank God. By tonight my dad will be safely back in his beer-stained, flea-infested, duct-taped recliner, adjusting his shorts with one hand and cheering on Jean-Claude van Damme with the other. <i>trudges back into his booth</i> Yes, it's quite a little piece of heaven I've carved out for myself, isn't it?<i>Roz's "tacky planet" line is strangely prophetic eight years later, when the original chair was deliberately destroyed in episode <a href="/frasier/transcripts/season_9/episode_7/bla_z_boy.html"><i>9.07</i></a>, "Bla-Z-Boy," the technical crew had a hard time finding the right material for the replacement they built, until one of them spotted it on an old set from the original "Star Trek."</i><i>FADE TO</i>
- - Okay. Okay, that... that was nice. Um, but let's just remember there's a very fine line between good acting and hamming it up. Let's try it again.
  - Excuse me? 
- - Okay, people? People? Can I have you all over here for a second?<i>All stop what they're doing, and listen.<i>
  - Uh, Mrs. Warren...? <i>she waves him off</i> 
- - <i>to Frasier<i> If one more thing goes wrong, I'm going to have to take my own life.
  - Well, if I could just have a word with you... 
- - I'm sorry, in forty-five minutes the curtain goes up on a very shaky production of "Ten Little Indians."
  - Ooh, "Ten Little Indians." I thought I recognized the mise en scene. I did this play years ago. <i>quotes</i> "On the contrary, Major. Many a psychotic killer would appear to be quite normal. You see, you can never suspect that underneath that calm exterior there lies the heart of a maniac, ah-ha-ha." Happens to be true, by the way. 
- - Who are you?
  - Oh, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. <i>She's obviously never heard of him.</i>
- - No, excuse me, but that doesn't go anywhere. <i>confidentially<i> Right now, this chair is the most entertaining thing on stage.
  - Well, I'm sure that's quite true, but you see...<i>There is a commotion backstage when Brown hits his thumb with a hammer.</i> 
- - Don't worry about it, honey, just run along to the nurse's office, I'm sure you'll be fine. They'll have you back here in no time! <i>to Frasier<i> I am so sick of being positive.
  - Yes, but you see, you don't understand, this chair belongs to my father and I must return it to him... 
- - Sir? You can have your chair back in two weeks.
  - Yes, you don't understand, I'm in a very difficult position here. 
- - DIFFICULT? You want difficult? I have a set that's falling apart, a leading man whose voice changed at precisely three o'clock this afternoon, AND MY NAME IS SPELLED WRONG IN THE PROGRAM! <i>calms down, to child <i> See what I did there, Pomeroy? That's the kind of anger I need from you in the accusation scene.
  - Listen, I'll give you two hundred dollars, you can get yourself a new chair. 
- - Forget it.
  - Listen, Mrs. Warren, I realize you are in an untenable position here, but I am speaking to you now from the heart. You see, by putting this chair into the trash, I have wounded my father. I realize it's just a chair to you, but to him it is a treasure trove of life memories that I have thoughtlessly discarded because I didn't like the way it looked in my living room. I have sacrificed heart and soul for form and function. Believe me, I am terribly ashamed of myself for that. This chair is the last, best chance to forge any kind of meaningful relationship with the only father I'll ever have! 
- - <i>to children<i> People, were you all listening to that? Because you can learn a lot from this man. <i>Frasier looks proud<i> That speech he just gave is a perfect example of the kind of hammy overacting I don't want to see out of ANY OF YOU FOR THIS ENTIRE RUN!
  - Now just hold on for a minute!<i>He is interrupted by Joey coming on stage.</i> 
- - No, it's not jitters. It's stomach flu. He's in the nurse's office.
  - Oh well, what else can you do? You'll have to cancel the performance. Too bad. <i>pulling Chair off of stage</i> I'll just take this along with me. 
- - I can't cancel, I have three hundred parents in their cars already.
  - Well, I'm sure somehow the American theatre will survive. You can't do the show without Dr. Armstrong, he's too important to the plot. I know, that's the part I played. 
- - You played Dr. Armstrong?
  - Well, yes I... Oh, no-no-no-no-no, you're not thinking... 
- - How badly do you want your chair?
  - I-I'm sorry, it's out of the question! 
- - Ooh! - <u>happened<u> to this chair.
  - But it's been years. I hardly can remember any of the lines. 
- - Wow. Your head photographs even bigger than it is.
  - Very droll. Get in. <i>opens door and enters recording studio</i> This is what we in the radio game call "The Booth." It is here That I sit, day after day, and dispense the advice that helps the emotionally distraught through their troubled lives. 
- - <i>checking window<i> Do you suppose this stuff's bulletproof?
  - Dad, you know, you could have gone home after lunch. I just brought you here because I thought you'd enjoy it. <i>Martin goes to press a button</i> NOW DON'T TOUCH THAT! It's a very sophisticated piece of electronic equipment! 
- - What is it?
  - I have no idea, Roz told me never to touch it! You see dad, the usual procedure begins with... 
- - <i>into mike<i> Testing! Testing!
  - Dad. 
- - Testing.
  - Dad, dad, look, let's just go into Roz's booth, okay? You can touch anything you want to in there.<i>They go into Roz's area just as she comes in.</i> 
- - Hey, Frasier.
  - Oh, hello Roz. 
- - What brings you here?
  - Well, I'm just showing dad around, then he's gonna sit and listen to the show. 
- - Yeah, it's kinda like payback for when Frasier and Niles were kids. I used to take them to the police station and show them where I worked.
  - Yes, he made a big game of locking us in one of the cells and pretending to lose the key. 
- - I was just joking with them, I knew they weren't scared.
  - Well no, we weren't really scared, although after a while we did become quite hungry. 
- - Hey Frasier, could you lend me ten bucks?
  - Did you leave your wallet home, or something? 
- - Ooh. That poor guy!
  - Roz, it's a scam. He scammed you. 
- - What is this place, a radio station or a nuclear missile site? Now, listen Roz, don't feel bad. I was a cop for thirty years, and they could still fake me out once in a while. These guys are professionals, they know what to do.
  - Especially if you're an easy mark like Roz. 
- - Hey, the criminal mind is more complex than you think. They can fool you.
  - Oh, by all means dad, lecture me on the complexities of the human mind. Are you forgetting that I graduated with honors from Harvard in Psychosocial Behaviorism? 
- - I know, I was at your graduation. Impressive bunch. A car backfired and half of them wet their gowns.
  - It sounded louder on the dais! All I'm trying to say is, if it were me on the street, I wouldn't have been fooled. 
- - Oh, you think because of your book smarts, that you can spot a crook just like that, huh?
  - Well if I can't, I'm in the wrong business. 
- - You want to put your money where your mouth is?
  - What do you mean? 
- - Hey, can I get in on the action?
  - Of course you can. 
- - Great. Ten bucks on your dad.
  - Oh, you're just itching to give your money away today, aren't you? All right, you're both on. But I think you're underestimating me. What truffles are to pigs, so are these charlatans and pettifoggers to my mental acuity. <i>He goes into his booth, as Roz mouths, "What?" at Martin.</i> 
- - So, who are these people coming over tonight?
  - Oh, just some of dad's old friends from the precinct. 
- - B-A-T-H. <i>Eddie rushes off.<i>
  - When he yawns it may smell like swamp gas, but his spelling's improving.<i>The doorbell bing-bongs. Frasier goes to answer it.</i> 
- - This is my son, Frasier. Throw your coats on the couch. <i>Frasier scrutinizes them<i> Kinda hard to tell, isn't it? They all look like they did time.
  - Well, my dad tells me he's filled you in on our little bet. Now the ground rules for tonight are that I'm not allowed to ask you any questions directly about your line of work, but whatever questions I do ask, you must answer truthfully. 
- - Ah, thanks.
  - Actually, it's mine. 
- - These are my poker pals. This is Linda, Frank and Jimmy.
  - <i>shaking hands</i> Linda, Frank, Jimmy. 
- - I've made meatball sandwiches, pepperoni pizzas and uh, little sausage rolls. Will you be needing anything else?
  - The number of the nearest gastroenterologist. <i>opens door</i> 
- - Boy, you must do pretty well on that radio show of yours. What is this place, about two thousand square feet?
  - About. Hmm... that's interesting, you noticed the space. Most people mention the view and the high ceilings, but you, you mentioned the space. It's almost as if you'd spent some time living in a cramped, confining, tight area. 
- - Oh... 
  - Interesting... you find her attractive, do you? 
- - Sure, don't you?
  - Yes, but I mean, attraction to one's own sex is a not uncommon result of long-enforced periods of time spent exclusively in their company. 
- - Wow, Frasier. I may have underestimated you.
  - Really? 
- - <i>starting game<i> High card deals.
  - You know, we could really use some music. Anybody play the harmonica? 
- - Sure you don't want to play, Fras?
  - Oh, no-no-no-no-no, I'll just take this time to observe the triumvirate. I believe in my considerable education, my years of study and not to mention, well... alright, let's say it, my God-given gift to intuit. 
- - <i>to Frasier<i> You've been awfully quiet there.
  - I'm sorry, dad. Just been observing. 
- - No no, don't apologize, it was a compliment.
  - Frank's an interesting study, isn't he? Temper, loner, a bit unsocial. Almost a stereotypical portrait of a man who's spent his entire life behind bars. 
- - Well, I guess there's only one thing left. How about it, Fras? You figured it out yet?
  - Actually, I believe I have. Shall we step into the drawing room? Please have a seat. 
- - Okay, Sherlock. You've got center stage.
  - I have sketched an accurate psychological profile of each one of you. And in so doing I have come to the incontrovertible conclusion that the criminal among us can only be... FRANK! 
- - Wrong. Frank's a highly decorated undercover cop.
  - Exactly! Just a little too obvious, you know. The broken vocabulary, the jailhouse pallor, the underdeveloped social skills... 
- - Hey.
  - <i>to Martin</i> So, you tried to use psychology against me, did you? Threw a gender bender at me. Thinking I'd just assume that a felon would naturally be a man. Well, I'm on to your little game, mister. The criminal among us is indeed, the very wily Linda! 
- - Nope.
  - JIMMY! 
- - Hey. You're right.
  - Damn it... you seem like such a nice guy. 
- - Sorry, doc. I'm afraid you owe your old man five bucks.
  - Yeah, I'm afraid I do. <i>searches in his pockets for his wallet</i> 
- - Oh, yes. Great.
  - It's been very pleasant. You'll all come again, any time you like. <i>to Jimmy</i> Hopefully when we're here, of course. 
- - Yeah, yeah.<i>The poker gang leave.<i>
  - Jimmy. Boy, who woulda thought? How do you even know that guy, dad? 
- - Jimmy's an ex-con?
  - <i>handing over five dollars</i> Well, you certainly made your point. I feel stupid as hell. 
- - I said DO time with. No, no. You just can't go. Case closed, that's all there is to it.
  - Dad, excuse me, if I can interrupt that self-righteous policeman mentality for a second, don't you believe in second chances? 
- - I did. Then we had Niles.
  - Well, I believe that when a man has paid his debt to society he deserves a fresh start. I see no harm in her going out with him once. 
- - Well, I do! She's not going.
  - I say she is.<i>They argue for a few moments, until- </i> 
- - Excuse me? Gentlemen? But might I interject one tiny little thought into this conversation?
  - Of course, Daphne. 
- - BELT UP! BOTH OF YOU! It may have escaped your notice, but I happen to be a grown woman, and nobody has told me whom I might or might not date since I was a schoolgirl. And I didn't listen then. Now, when I've quite made up my mind about what I plan to do about Jimmy, I'll let you know. But right now, I'm going to my room. You two hens have wasted enough of my time. <i>She exits left.<i>
  - That would have been a very dramatic exit, if only her room was down that hall.<i>Daphne walks in and through to her bedroom.</i> 
- - I still don't think she should be going out with that guy.
  - Oh, don't worry, she won't. 
- - How do you know?
  - Well, because she has too much respect for your opinion. She won't go against your wishes if I'm any judge of character. 
- - <i>to waiter<i> I'll have a decaf latte, and please be sure to use skim milk.
  - I'll have the same. 
- - Thank you. <i>to Frasier<i> Certainly playing fast and loose with his tips for a man who drives a van. Oh, oh-oh-oh, Frasier. How was your encounter with dad's poker buddies last night?
  - Ah... 
- - I must tell you - the picture of you trying to make conversation with dad's blue-collar cronies all evening is priceless. When I told Maris about it, it was all she could do to keep her eyes from dancing.
  - Actually, it was really rather interesting. You know, one of them actually did time in prison for fraud? 
- - Good lord! What was he like?
  - Actually, he was quite personable. You know dad, he's so judgmental.
- - He is, and I've often condemned him for it.
  - For some reason, you know, just because the man was in prison he seems to have marked him for life. 
- - It's ridiculous. Not all criminals are recidivists. I've seen many cases where after they've paid their debt to society they've gone on to lead productive lives. Dad's just being narrow-minded.
  - Hmm. Yes, I almost had to sedate him when Daphne announced that she was going to go out with him.<i>Niles gasps... twice.</i> 
- - Frasier, I hope you're just yanking my giggle chain.
  - What do you mean? 
- - You're telling me that you're letting this English rose be sullied by some sociopath?
  - Niles, he passed bad checks. He's not a sociopath. 
- - He's a degenerate who should be put away forever!
  - You haven't even met him. 
- - Yes, the check please, and quickly. Frasier, we've got to rescue her!
  - Oh Niles, Niles, just sit down and relax, for God's sakes. You're being irrational. 
- - Don't you DARE call me irrational! You know that makes me crazy!
  - Now, Niles. Listen, I think Jimmy's a perfectly nice guy. And besides, Daphne can take care of herself. 
- - I don't care, I'm going after her. <i>gets up and puts on his coat<i> I'm not without resources. My Tae Kwon Do instructor tells me I'm just two moves away from becoming quite threatening!
  - Niles, just listen to me for a second. You know perfectly well that she'll resent any interference. Now, you want to make a fool of yourself, go right ahead, but don't ask me to join you. 
- - That's fine. Just tell me where they went.
  - Someplace called the, uh, the Topaz Room. 
- - <i>who's brought the check<i> The Topaz Room? I thought the cops shut that place down after the last shooting.
  - I'll drive! <i>They exit, forcefully.FADE TO</i>
- - Oh, well. I might as well. I never really have understood this game. <i>lines up<i> Never understood it, when I started playing with me older brothers, at the age of six. <i>clunk<i> And I never understood it during all my formative years, spent mostly in the pool halls of Manchester. <i>clunk<i> Playing in local competitions and club tournaments. <i>clunk<i> Winning cup after cup after cup. Until our poor dad had to convert the pantry into a trophy room. <i>clunk<i> And I can't really claim to understand it - eight ball in far corner - even today. <i>clunk<i> But I certainly do enjoy it. <i>collects her winnings to the applause of the customers<i> Thank you, gentlemen. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to attempt to use the ladies room without touching anything.<i>She exits to the ladies room just as Frasier and Niles enter, stop and look around.<i>
  - Look at this place. I never felt so conspicuous in my life. 
- - You must simply try to blend in. Fortunately, I haven't shaved in several hours. You should loosen your tie.
  - Yes, and you might try tucking in your watch fob. 
- - That happens to be a Phi-Beta-Kappa key.
  - Oh, then by all means, let it dangle. Perhaps they have a local chapter. 
- - Actually, this is quite stimulating in a lower-depths sort of way. And I've always been something of a squalor buff.
  - The only problem is, I don't see Daphne or Jimmy. 
- - <i>to bartender<i> Excuse me. Has a young woman been in here this evening, approximately five foot nine and three quarters, with skin the color of Devonshire cream and the sort of eyes that gaze directly into one's soul with neither artifice nor evasion?<i>Silence from the bartender.<i> 
  - This would be an Englishwoman called Daphne.
- - Ah yeah, the one who came in with Jimmy. 
  - Right.
- - She was over there shooting pool a minute ago. I think she stepped in the back. 
  - What happened to Jimmy?
- - <i>chuckles<i> He tried to get fresh with her. She threw a hammerlock on him and ran him out of here. That babe can take care of herself. 
  - <i>to Niles</i> I told you so.
- - And good riddance too. Guy was no good. I knew it the first time I saw him. You can always tell. 
  - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on Niles, we've taken our walk on the wild side, let's get out of here. 
- - What about Daphne? 
  - Well come on, you heard what she did to Jimmy. Think how mad she'll be if she should find us here. 
- - You're right. Best make ourselves scarce. <i>Daphne comes out<i> Good lord, there she is!<i>In an attempt to stop Daphne from seeing them, Frasier walks intoa guy (Rocco) at the pool table, just as he's taking his shot.<i>
  - Oh, oh. God, I am so sorry. 
- - Hey! What the hell are you doing?
  - I'm sorry, I was just trying to... 
- - You made me miss that shot.
  - I'm sorry. 
- - I had two hundred bucks riding on that shot.
  - Really sorry. 
- - You owe me two hundred dollars.
  - Oh well, I-I'd gladly pay you, but I-I don't have that kind of cash on me. 
- - Even if he did, it would be absurd to bring it into a place like this. You know, with the kind of element you might run into...
  - Niles! Maybe I could write you a check? 
- - My element don't take checks. I think maybe we should take these guys outside, and wise them up.
  - Oh, I don't think that's really necessary at all. 
- - We might ask you the same thing. This happens to be one of our favorite haunts. Actually, Maris and I had our rehearsal dinner here... the place was different then, it was more of a garden room and there was a trellis over there where the bar is...
  - Shut up, Niles. 
- - You followed me, didn't you?
  - Oh Daphne, we were worried about you. 
- - Excuse me, lady. But it seems like your friends can't seem to come up with the two hundred they owe me, so I'm gonna have to uh - pardon my French - beat the crap out of them.
  - Listen, listen. I'm a psychiatrist, maybe we can talk this out in sessions. You know, it seems that you have some control issues... 
- - Fair enough. <i>takes careful aim, then...<i> Need a bit of chalk for me cue. <i>lines up again, then...<i> Does it matter in what order I make them?
  - Daphne! 
- - So I just had to get out of the house. Maris's Junior League are rehearsing their spring musical - this year they're doing "Cats." The past week and a half I've been watching two dozen underweight, tightly-pulled woman in leotards crawling round the music room, meowing. I'm telling you Frasier, my allergies are acting up. 
  - Oh Niles, I think you're exaggerating. 
- - No. No, really. You've no idea how vivid the experience is. As God is my judge, I swear, Mrs. Presley-Bismouth was scent- marking the divan.
  - God, you'd think women of that age would choose more suitable material. Remember the last show they did, "The Sound Of Music"? My God, half the Von Trapp children were having hot flashes.<i>Roz enters with "Chopper" Dave and Teddy, a technician.</i> 
- - Let me guess. The wacky gang from the office?
  - <i>making introductions</i> Everyone, this is my brother Niles. This is Teddy, one of our brilliant engineers.. 
- - Teddy, my man!
  - This is KACL's inimitable "Chopper" Dave. Your Eye in the Sky for traffic. 
- - This has been kind of fun, ah, but I really have to go. I'm conducting a seminar on multiple personality disorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags. <i>leaves<i>
  - Well, KACL team, what is on the agenda for today? 
- - Sit down and listen to this. I got a juicy piece of news, and it's reliable. Alan in Accounting got it from Steven in Promotions, who got it from Cindy in Retail Sales, who got it from Arlene, the station manager's secretary - that the station is definitely way over budget, and somebody's getting the ax. But don't tell anybody, I was sworn to secrecy.
  - Roz, I'm ashamed of you! Gossip, gossip, gossip. Don't you know how destructive that can be? It does nothing but sully good people's names and create an atmosphere of suspicion and mistrust. 
- - Oh, lighten up. Gossip is the lifeblood of the corporate world. If it wasn't for gossip, we wouldn't know any of the important things, like how much everybody makes.
  - You know my salary? 
- - Could be.
  - Oh, no no no no. He's the station's highest-rated personality. I mean, with the exception of women thirty-five to fifty-four who happen to think that I'm... sort of a god. 
- - Hey. Have you heard about my new gimmick for the show? If the Seahawks beat Buffalo this Sunday, I promise to do my entire show hanging by my feet.
  - You can do that?
- -  Ooh...
  - Oh people, people. You're jumping to conclusions. Show a little respect. Bulldog has devoted fifteen years of his life to radio. My own personal feelings aside, the man deserves better than to become the object of some scurrilous rumor that as yet hasn't a shred of truth to it. 
- - Yeah. I suppose you're right.
  - Yes, well... just in case, I've got dibs on his parking space. <i>leaves</i><i>FADE OUT</i>
- - Dr. Crane, we have Don on his car phone. He's having a problem with his weight. 
  - Don, it's a common problem. I'm listening. 
- - <i>v.o.<i> Ah, it's the screwiest thing, Doc. I eat healthy, I work out. But no matter what I do, I can't lose a pound, it's very depressing. 
  - Yes, well, losing weight can be a lifelong struggle. It takes a commitment. Now, if you're ready to accept that, there are a number of things I can suggest...
- - <i>v.o., in background<i> May I take your order, please? 
  - Uh Don, what was that? 
- - Ah &mdash; oh, nothing. It was the radio. Go ahead, you were talking. 
  - Don...? Where are you? 
- - <i>v.o.<i> Hey, speak into the clown's mouth! 
  - Don...? 
- - Sorry, Dr. Crane. <i>imitates static<i> I'm going to lose you. I'm going into a tunnel. Goodbye! <i>hangs up<i> 
  - Yes, and the light at the end of that tunnel is a heat lamp over a large order of fries. We'll be right back after the news.<i>He goes off the air.</i> 
- - Hey Frasier, I've got to run up to payroll, be back in five.
  - Okay. <i>He steps into the corridor, where he meets Father Mike at the candy machine.</i>
- - Oh, hello Frasier.
  - How you doing? 
- - Say, I just heard a rumor that somebody 'round here is being let go. Do you know anything about that, because to tell you the truth, I'm afraid it might be me.
  - Oh Father, Father. You should better than to put any stock in idle office gossip. 
- - I know, I know. But it's hard not to. My numbers have been down lately, they keep changing my timeslot. I'm really bummed!
  - Well, listen Father. I don't like to engage in gossip, but you have nothing to worry about. 
- - Oh?
  - But ah, it's not you. It's Bulldog. 
- - Yes? Why?
  - Well, someone is being let go... 
- - Bulldog? Oh, what a shame.
  - Yes. 
- - Has anybody spoken for his parking space?
  - Well I have, yes.<i>Frasier goes back into the booth to find that Bulldog has beenstanding behind the door, and has heard every word.</i>
- - So I'm a goner, huh?
  - Bulldog. Well, how long have you been...?
- - Long enough to know I'm the one who's out. <i>starts banging head on table<i> I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! Damn it! Now I know why Ned Miller wants to see me after work. It's to can my butt. I mean, why else would he be willing to miss happy hour at El Paquito's? The man's a total boozer!
  - Now, now now now now, Bulldog listen, this is just a rumor. You know how out of the loop I am. 
- - Oh, yeah. And after all I've done for this lousy station, this is how they repay me? Well, that's it! Nobody fires Bob Briscoe! I'll quit first.
  - Now, now now. Don't do anything rash. Now listen, I suggest you try to vent your anger first. <i>Bulldog grabs the mike and rips it in two.</i>
- - Oh! <i>to Frasier<i> What was that?
  - Bulldog's quitting. 
- - Why?
  - Well, because Ned Miller is firing him. 
- - Who told you that?
  - You did. 
- - That was just a rumor... You didn't tell him that, did you?!
  - I didn't mean to, he overheard me. 
- - Oh, God!
  - What? Come on, you guys were so positive - the expense account thing, the meeting with management at five? 
- - That meeting was to discuss taking his show national! Don't you know anything that goes on around here?!
  - Apparently not! 
- - Well, don't just stand there. Go call his secretary, she'll stop him before he gets in.
  - I don't believe this, this is incredible, <i>on phone</i> Yes, hello, hello Arlene? Arlene, yes, listen. Bob Briscoe's about to jump into the office and... oh. <i>replaces phone</i> God, he's already burst into the office with Miller. Oh god, this is a disaster. 
- - Maybe not, maybe not. Maybe before Bulldog starts anything Miller will tell him what the meeting was really about.
  - Well I, I suppose you're right. For all we know they may be having a good laugh about this right now.<i>Cut to station manager's point of view (shown through a fish-eyecamera lens). Bulldog is in his face, telling him off. But instead of words, we hear dog-like barking and snarling.Cut back to the booth.</i> 
- - I did it! I scorched him! <i>laughs maniacally<i> You should have seen the look on his face. Oh, I even told him about the time his wife came on to me at the Christmas party. I said there wasn't enough liquor in the world to make me sleep with that porker!
  - You said that to Ned Miller?
- - Yes! Yeah, he even took a swing at me. I gave him a little okey-doke and he hit air!
  - My god, the man tried to strike you? Listen, Bulldog...
- - Hey, hey! No sudden moves, doc. I'm still too pumped. I feel like poppin' someone. <i>he leaves<i>
  - My god, my god, this is unbelievable. <i>to Roz</i> A man has quit his job just because of a rumor that you spread! 
- - Me?! The whole point of gossip is to talk behind the person's back, not in front of him. I didn't realize you were unclear on this concept!
  - I'm a bad, bad man. <i>hangs head in shame</i> 
- - Well Frasier, you have got to do something. You gotta call Ned Miller and get this whole thing cleared up.
  - Oh, right. "Call Ned Miller, clear this thing up." The man is totally unstable, he tried to take a swing at me the day he hired me.<i>Chopper Dave comes in, shouting as usual.</i> 
- - OOH, JUST HEARD A HOT RUMOUR! BULLDOG QUIT!
  - No kidding. 
- - Nothing. Just loved it.<i>Frasier enters.<i>
  - God. Can you believe this weather? 
- - Oh, Frasier. I'm glad you're home. What happened to Bulldog?
  - <i>panic-stricken</i> Who told you? 
- - Nobody told me anything. I turned into the "Gonzo Sports Show" today like I always do, and they had Father Mike filling in. I hate that. All it was, was "Notre Dame, Notre Dame, Notre Dame."
  - Yes, well, Bulldog tended his resignation. 
- - Oh, no. Why would he do that? He's the top sports guy in town.
  - Well, you know, things just go funny sometimes. It's a tough business, this radio game, you know? 
- - Dr. Crane, I'm picking up something from you. You're shrouded in an aura of guilt.
  - ...Maybe I am. 
- - Frasier?
  - All right, all right. Ah, there was a rumor going �round the station that Bulldog was going to get sacked, and then... I was repeating it to someone and he overheard me and flew off the handle, went up and quit his job. In the end it turned out that the rumor wasn't true. <i>to Daphne</i> Of course, you already knew that, didn't you?<i>Niles's phone rings.</i> 
- - Now listen here, Frasier. If you're responsible for Bulldog losing his job, you've got to make this right. You gotta go down to that station and talk to the boss and get him his job back.
  - Well, that's a little easier said than done. Ned Miller is the most intimidating, heartless, mean-spirited man I've ever had the misfortune to meet. 
- - So you're selling Bulldog down the river just 'cause you don't have the guts to go and face this guy?
  - No, no. For all we know this might just be the best thing that ever happened to him. You know, he's always talking about how he should be in a larger market, like Los Angeles, or New York...<i>Eddie starts pawing at the front door. </i>
- - Hiya, Doc.
  - Well, what are you doing, just standing there?
- - ...I don't know. I was trying to decide whether or not I should bother you. See, my life is kinda over, but you got company, so I'll go.
  - No, no-no-no-no. Come in, come in, it's just family. This is my dad, and Daphne Moon. 
- - You haven't heard the half of it. <i>grabs Frasier's sherry and throws it back<i> My girlfriend threw me out. She said the only reason she was with me was because I was on the radio. Can you believe that? Eight years we've been together. I loved that woman. Even when I was tomcatting around, I loved that woman. God, that job was my life, and now I've been blackballed in this business, and all because of my stupid temper. <i>picks up a piece of African art<i> What is this, anyway?
  - Oh, that's an exceedingly rare fertility symbol from a small nomadic tribe in Ghana.
- - That's a nice thing to say. Now I know why your son is such a great guy. <i>Martin and Daphne turn to stare at Frasier<i> I've bothered you people enough. I better go. The good rooms at the "Y" fill up early. <i>Martin and Daphne stare at Frasier again<i>
  - Wait. Bulldog, I can't let you leave like this. <i>goes into his pocket</i> Here's a twenty. <i>Martin glares at him</i> Oh, all right. Why don't you just spend the night, you can take the couch.
- - Wow. You'd do that for me?
  - Why sure, what's the point of having an expensive suede couch if you can't have a bunch of people crashing on it?
- - Thanks, Doc. Hey, I hope it's okay, but I could really use a hot shower.
  - Oh sure, sure. 
- - Down the hall, second door on the left. Towels are in the cabinet.<i>Bulldog exits down the corridor. Martin and Daphne go back to staring at Frasier.<i>
  - Now, you two just leave me alone. This is not my fault. Look, I am not responsible for Bulldog going up there and popping off to the boss. You can stare at me 'til you're blue in the face, I'm not going to go see Ned Miller. <i>Eddie joins in the staring. Frasier knows he's beat.</i> 
- - What, what?!
  - <i>entering</i> Mr. Miller... 
- - Oh, it's you, Crane.
  - Look, I don't mean to disturb you, but Arlene wasn't at her desk. 
- - I had to let her go. A lot of stuff she's been doing lately's been ticking me off.
  - If this is a bad time... 
- - No, it's a perfect time, I need you to hold this. <i>indicating picture<i> Come on. Now!<i>Frasier takes the painting and holds it to the wall as Miller stands back.<i>
  - Okay, how's this? 
- - Ah, put it down.<i>Frasier lowers the painting to reveal a large hole in the wall.<i>
  - Oh my lord! What happened here? 
- - Oh, that psycho Bulldog and I got into it this afternoon. He threw my Golden Mike at me!
  - <i>looking at hole</i> And he did that with your little trophy? 
- - No, he just chipped the paint with the trophy, I did that with his head!<i>He goes to the bar and pours himself a scotch from a decanter.<i>
  - Ah. That's, ah, sort of why I'm here. 
- - Drink?
  - No. No thank you, Mr. Miller. Um, I know that Bulldog was up here, and he said some... pretty regrettable things to you. 
- - I'll say he said some things. You want to hear them? I tape everything in this office.<i>This makes Frasier even more uncomfortable.<i>
  - Well anyway, ah, a lot of what he said was, ah... was my fault, you see? Well, you see, I heard a rumor that, ah, management was thinking about lightening the load a bit. Well, I heard it was Bulldog that was gonna get sacked and I... I was repeating the rumor to someone and Bulldog heard me. And that's why he came up here and started telling you... 
- - That I'm a drunk, that I'm incompetent at my job, that my wife is a big fat slut!
  - That is indefensible! Your wife is not overweight! <i>realizes</i> Well anyway, my point is that, um, I'd like you to reconsider giving Bulldog his job back. And ah, whatever the consequences to me, I'm willing to accept it. 
- - Look, I won't kid you. Bulldog meant big numbers to us in Drive Time, we need him back. Tell you what - you get him to apologize to me... oh hell, why don't I just say it? If he'll kiss my ass, maybe we can work something out.
  - Oh sir, sir, I'm sure that'll make him so happy. <i>He stands and holds out his hand, but Miller has already picked up his glass again.</i>
- - Actually Crane, that uh, rumor about someone being let go is, uh... true.
  - What? 
- - Now that you've so nobly gotten Bulldog his job back, the station still needs to make some cutbacks on those high-priced salaries.
  - Oh god, not Father Mike? Oh, no. 
- - No. It's not Father Mike.
  - Chopper Dave? Ray the Greengrocer? Bonnie "the Auto Lady" Weems?<i>Ned looks at Frasier, indicating it's him.</i> 
- - Look, Crane. You're new to the radio game, I've been around a long time. People get fired. But they always get back on their feet. So... I bet you I could get you that drink now?
  - Yes, I bet you could. 
- - Excuse me. <i>fills his glass<i>
  - Bad news? 
- - Oh, you could say that. I've just been fired. They decided the best way to cut the budget was to get rid of MY high salary.
  - <i>struggles to hide his grin</i> Oh, Ned, I... I'm so sorry. Then I guess this means that my job is still safe, then? 
- - Yeah. I guess so.
  - <i>expansively</i> Well, you know Ned... I haven't been in the radio game that long. But, uh, I've been around long enough to know that people get fired. And when they do, they always seem to land on their feet. Now I've known quite a few people - and counseled them - that have suffered similar setbacks. But, ah, in time you will embrace this. Learn to think of this as, oh, a new chapter. You know, in theatrical circles, they always say "Every exit is but an entrance to somewhere else."<i>Miller stares at Frasier for a long beat.</i> 
- - Here you go Doc, your usual. 
  - My usual. How lovely it is to have a usual. <i>tastes it</i> What is this?
- - Latte with nutmeg and cinnamon. 
  - Ah, no, no, no, that's my brother's usual. Mine is the double Kona with cream. 
- - Please. <i>she hands Frasier's to Niles, then he carries on<i> Thank you! 
  - Niles, you seem more than usually agitated today. Problem? 
- - I'm meeting my publisher here in five minutes. Remember the book deal I signed last month, the one you were so jealous of? 
  - I wasn't jealous of it, Niles, you just wanted me to be jealous. 
- - It's all moot anyway, the deal's about to be killed. It turns out the idea I sold them had already been done. They gave me until today to think up an alternative and I've got bupkes. I've got less than bupkes. I've got what bupkes keeps for lint in the bottom of his pocket! 
  - Can't you just ask for an extension? 
- - Sam Tanaka, my brother Dr. Frasier Crane. 
  - My pleasure. <i>the waitress brings Frasier's coffee</i> 
- - So you shall. 
  - <i>to waitress</i> One more, please. 
- - Wait a second, you're the doctor from the radio, aren't you? 
  - Guilty as charged. 
- - I listen to your show all the time. 
  - Well, thank you. 
- - Well, you two must have incredible insight into sibling relationships. 
  - No more than your average psychiatrist brothers. <i>laughs</i> 
- - That, Sam, is why you are the most respected publisher in the greater Seattle area. That is exactly the idea we were going to pitch to you. 
  - What? I hate to interrupt... 
- - Well, we were going to write today, but OK. <i>Sam leaves.<i> 
  - Niles, what the hell are you doing? I don't want to write a book. For God's sake, I'm out of here. 
- - Frasier, I know it's asking a big favor. I mean, I know you're busy. But I want you to know that all of my life I've dreamed of one thing the day I could go into a library and go to the card catalogue and see my name under "mental illness" - the day I could finally feel what you feel; that I'm somebody, not just one more dusty little psychiatrist in a grey pinstripe suit. 
  - Oh Niles, I... 
- - Come on! We haven't collaborated on anything together since we wrote the spring musical in prep school. 
  - Well, it was well received. And it did get us out of gym class. 
- - It could be like that again. 
  - I don't know, Niles...<i>Niles starts humming the tune from their old musical; Frasier startsbouncing in rhythm to it.</i></i> 
- - <i>singing<i> Though some boys go to college, But we think they're all wussies, �Cause they get all the knowledge, And we get all the... <i>dancing in a circle<i> Ump-da, ump-da, ump-da, da-da-da, ump-da, ump-da, ump-da... 
  - Alright, I'll do it! 
- - Hello Niles, what are you doing over here?
  - Oh Dad, I told you it's our first writing session tonight. 
- - But "The Silencer"'s on in twenty minutes.
  - Dad, I've solved that problem. <i>He produces a pair of wireless headphones, the type you can use to hearyour television while the sound is muted.</i>
- - What about Eddie? How's he going to hear?
  - He can read about the game in tomorrow's paper. Try 'em out, Dad.<i>Martin puts them on and listens while watching the TV.</i> 
- - Very clever solution.
  - Yes, and it also has another little feature that I like a lot. Watch this. <i>While Martin watches the TV, Frasier speaks out of his sight.</i>
- - Hey Dad? Tell us about the time you met Dwight Eisenhower. We haven't heard that story this hour! <i>they laugh again<i>
  - Okay, okay, my turn. Hey, Dad? Remember- 
- - This is great, thanks a lot. <i>puts earphones around Eddie's neck<i> You better watch out for this for me, Eddie. I'm going to get myself a little snack. Who wants some beer? 
  - Just you! Alright now, Niles, this is no time to procrastinate. 
- - <i>poised at the keyboard of his laptop<i> OK, here we go. Chapter One. Page One. Paragraph One. I'm indenting!<i>Frasier shuts the laptop.<i>
  - I hate to squash your enthusiasm, but don't you think before We start actually typing the book, we should discuss what the book is going to be about! 
- - Forgive me for just barreling ahead, but damn it, I'm jazzed. You know we have to approach this book from a completely different angle from all of our previous writings, our dissertations, out theses...
  - Hmm, that's right. Yeah, this has to be interesting! 
- - Well, the obvious approach is case histories. We'll fill the book with anecdotes with brothers and sisters we've dealt with in our practice. 
  - Yes, and if we throw in a few references to heaving bosoms, we're bound to make Book of the Month Club. 
- - That's an idea, we could use ourselves, it would make a delicious introduction to our book.
  - I like the introduction idea. Dad, OK, give us a story which depicts little Frasier and little Niles at their conflicted best. 
- - Now, what was the name of that lake again.
  - Dad, the name of the lake is immaterial. 
- - Indian word, Lake Whatchahatchi? 
  - Dad, you're missing the point here. 
- - <i>ignoring<i> Oh, your mother would know. Too bad she's dead! Er, whatacouchi, whatawoochi. It was an Indian word, it meant "Land of a thousand..." No! This is driving me nuts! I'm going to have to go in there and look it up.
  - Dad, we just wanted the story! 
- - No, it's alright. Now where the hell did I put my atlas? <i>leaves<i>
  - Quite a resource, isn't he? 
- - Alright, we'll just put the introduction on hold. 
  - Okay, back to case histories. Well, I suppose I could go take my files out of storage after the re... <i>thinks of something</i> Niles, is there a light bulb over my head? 
- - So, what you're suggesting, is that exploit your listeners' lives for our own personal game?
  - In essence, yes. What do you think? 
- - You have an idea?
  - No, <i>sarcastically</i> I'm actually asking you if there's a light bulb over my head! Of course I have an idea, it's my radio show. I mean, what better source of case histories can there be? I'll just ask my listeners to call in with their personal stories of sibling conflict, and you could be my guest on the show. 
- - Hey, Frasier. What's your brother doing here?
  - He's going to be my guest on the show today. 
- - Oh, no! I don't think so! I am the producer, and I approve all the guests. This wasn't run by me and I do not approve him!
  - OK, Roz, bye-bye, have a good show.<i>He puts down his script and starts to leave the booth.</i> 
- - Okay, okay. But I won't make him coffee, I won't run his Errands and I'm not taking any of his crapola. <i>through mike<i> Hey, Niles, welcome aboard. <i>to Frasier<i> Five seconds till air.
  - <i>into booth with Niles</i> OK, Niles, sit down, take a deep breath and try not to spit on the mike! <i> on air</i> Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I have a very special guest with me today - my brother, the eminent psychiatrist, Dr. Niles Crane. 
- - Hello, Emerald City! What's doing, what's happenin'?
  - <i>off air</i> What the hell do you think you're doing? 
- - That was my radio persona. Every successful radio personality has one. 
  - I don't. 
- - My point exactly. 
  - Just try to be yourself, will you? <i>on air</i> Our topic today is siblings what makes you love them, what makes you hate them... 
- - What little things do they do that especially annoy you? These could be things from your childhood OR they could things from your adolesence, OR they could be things from your young adulthood OR...
  - They could be things that are going on right now! Roz, who's our first caller? 
- - We have Donald from Bainbridge Island. He hasn't spoken to his brother for over twenty years. 
  - Hello, Donald. 
- - I'm listening! 
  - We're listening! <i>Time Fade.The show is now nearing to a close. A woman called Laura is on theline, talking to Frasier whilst Niles is scribbling down all thedetails.</i> 
- - <i>v.o.<i> I'll never forget it, Dr. Crane, I cried for two hours straight.
  - So, you were completely bald. 
- - Yes, the perm destroyed my hair. I was sure my sisters were going to laugh at me. But, they all kissed me and then they marched into the bathroom and shaved their heads too, just so I wouldn't feel like a freak. <i>Frasier, Niles, and Roz share an amazed look over this story.<i>
  - Amazing! Well, there you have it, Seattle - the miracle of the sibling relationship spelled out in an unselfish act of head-shaving. Well, that's about all the time we have. I'd like to thank my brother Dr. Niles Crane for being here today. Niles, I would shave my head for you. 
- - A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year. <i>Roz hides a grin<i>
  - This is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll be back tomorrow. One Crane flying solo. <i>He goes off the air.</i> 
- - Frasier, we have hit the mother lode. We've got enough information here for two volumes! I must aplogise for ever criticizing your radio program. 
  - Oh, it's all water under the pont-neuf. 
- - <i>peering round<i> I hate to break up the stroke-a-thon, but there's a Sam Tanaka on line one. 
  - <i>presses button</i> Oh, hello Sam, you're on speakerphone. 
- - I caught the show today, fellas.
  - You did! And? 
- - That's good to hear, because I just got off the phone with Reader's Digest. They're interested in the serialization rights. I need first few chapters to give them a taste, can you fax them right over?<i>Niles and Frasier share a look of panic.<i> 
  - Well, Sam Of course we could, but you know, they're a little rough, Sam. 
- - Absolutely!
  - Friday's fine! 
- - Terrific, I love you guys! <i>hangs up<i>
  - My God, what are we going to do? 
- - Well now, let's remember we have all this material and now it's just a matter of putting it all together. 
  - It's due on Friday! 
- - We'll settle down and do it by <i>stressed<i> Friday!
  - Wait, wait, I just remembered a story about George and Ira Gershwin when they had to meet a deadline. They would lock themselves in a hotel room, free from distractions, and not come out until their task was complete. 
- - It's clean, it's sparkling, <i>re paintings on walls<i> it's mass-produced art, it's totally devoid of charm - it's perfect. Let's get to work.
  - I'm with you, mon frere. We cannot be intimidated by the tyranny of a blank page. All we need to get a good start here is... Room Service! 
- - Frasier!
  - Niles, you're right! All we need is a good opening sentence. Something that will smack the reader right between the eyes and then take him on a virtual roller-coaster ride of self awareness and discovery. 
- - <i>typing<i> Frasier, while you were out there mixing metaphors like a Cuisinart, I've had a breakthrough. Voila! Our opening sentence!
  - <i>reading</i> "From Romulus and Remus to the Le Nain Sisters, sibling relationships have sparked psychological debate throughout the world." <i>thinks</i> Interesting. 
- - You like it?
  - Well, I said it was interesting. The task ahead of us now is to decide whether we'd like an interesting opening or a good one. 
- - You're just being negative because you didn't think of it first.
  - No! In truth I'm not. I never cared for Romulus, I never cared for Remus and the reference to the Le Nain Sisters is from the friggin' moon. 
- - Well, alright, if you can do better, please be my guest. 
  - I will.<i>Ten-second pause.</i>
- - I'm still waiting!
  - Alright, alright, put this down! "The key to a good sibling relationship is the ability to be open and honest." 
- - That actually sounded good to me.
  - Well, put that in there. 
- - <i>typing<i> "The key to a good sibling relationship is the ability to be open and honest, while still respecting each other's boundaries."
  - What are you doing? What was that crap about boundaries? 
- - I was just finishing the thought. 
  - The thought was finished. It didn't need finishing, for God's sake. Now it's a run-on sentence. 
- - I think it's much better this way. 
  - Well, I don't! 
- - Well, I'm at the keyboard.
  - Alright then, let me type! <i>Niles holds onto the keyboard, whilst Frasier tugs it.</i> 
- - No, I can only write at the keyboard. 
  - Niles, you haven't written a thing all day, except to ruin a perfectly good opening sentence. 
- - <i>mad<i> I was merely finishing it, it was an incomplete thought.
  - You're an incomplete thought! What happened to the iced tea? 
- - I finished that too! <i>Much later, both men are stripped down to their undershirts (Niles,of course, wears suspenders). Frasier is lying on the bed, guzzlingdrinks from the mini bar. Niles is barely awake over the keys, yawning.<i> 
  - Niles, I've just had an epiphany. 
- - Oh wonderful, we could use a second sentence.
  - No, it's not for the book. I've just realised why so many writers become bloated alcoholic suicides. <i>Niles types</i> No, don't type that in. 
- - I'm not, I'm adding up our tab from the mini-bar. We now owe... two hundred thirty-two dollars.
  - <i>looks out of window.</i> Oh, Dear God! 
- - Well, you're the damn fool that ate the whole jar of Macadamia nuts! 
  - No, it's dawn. It's Friday! Oh Niles, why don't we just admit it. We can't work together, there's never going to be any book! 
- - <i>brushing up hair<i> Not with that attitude, there isn't.
  - Oh, will you get off it! Come on, the fat lady has sung! The curtain has been run down here. I'll type it for you in capital letters! <i>he does</i> 
- - <i>reading<i> "IT'S UVER?"
  - Let's just go home.<i>Frasier gets up and goes to the door, while Niles picks up a bottlethat came from the mini-bar.</i> 
- - Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised you'd give up so easily. It's not your dream, after all. Why should it be, Mr. Bigshot Radio Host?
  - Oh, so that's what this little tantrum is all about, huh? You're jealous of my celebrity? 
- - It's not a tantrum, and I'm not jealous. I'm just <i>angry<i> FED UP! I'm fed up with being second all the time. You know, I wanted to be a psychiatrist like Mom way before you did, but because you were older you got there first. You were first to get married. You were first to give Dad the grandchild he always wanted. By the time I get around to doing anything, it's all chewed meat! 
  - You're crying about something that we can't change! 
- - Oh, you wouldn't change it if you could, you love it!
  - Oh, let it go, Niles! 
- - I can't let it go! My nose is rubbed in it every day! <u>I'm<u> the one on the board of the Psychiatric Association, <u>my<u> research is well respected in academic circles, four of <u>my<u> patients have been elected to political office, but it's <u>your<u> big fat face they put on the side of buses!
  - I do not have a fat face! 
- - Oh please, I've been wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for winter!
  - Well, at least I'm not SPINDLY! 
- - Who you calling spindly, Fat Face?
  - You, Spindly. 
- - Fat Face!
  - Spindly! 
- - Fat Face!
  - Spindly! 
- - Fat Face!
  - You take that back! 
- - You make me.
  - I will make you. 
- - I don't see you making me.
  - Well, here's making you...<i>Frasier reaches forward and pulls a hair out of Niles's chest.</i> 
- - <i>levering Frasier's chin<i> Here's your fat face! Gimme that-
  - Gimme that-<i>As they wrestle, Niles gets the upper hand by placing Frasier in a headlock. He laughs triumphantly.</i>
- - My God, my God, I'm having a flashback you're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!
  - YOU STOLE MY MOMMY!<i>Suddenly realizing his insanity, Frasier stops and gets off the bed.</i> 
- - You seem cheerful this morning, Dr. Crane.
  - Why shouldn't I be? 
- - Oh, I'll get it. 
  - Dad, the mark of a pure man is that one that realizes he can't control his circumstances, he can only control his response. 
- - Have you talked to your brother yet?
  - <i>going to kitchen</i> I do not have a brother! I'm an only child! 
- - Hello Daphne, <i>walks in<i> Dad.<i>Frasier comes out of the kitchen and sees Niles.<i>
  - What are you doing here? 
- - Tell him, he owes me half this hotel bill. Tell him I'll accept cash but no personal checks, as I know he has trouble writing things! <i>Martin hands the bill to Frasier.<i>
  - I'm not paying any of this! 
- - So, you're cheap as well as intellectually barren. 
  - And you're a no-talent hack. 
- - Alright, that's enough. Sit down and listen to me. Sit down. <i>they do.<i> I never had a brother, but I had a partner once, my first, Mitch Gussy. Big bear of a guy, arms like tree- trunks. Mitch and I would go to ball games together, we'd play cards, and this was after work with eight hours together...
  - Dad, that's all very nice... 
- - Isn't there something you'd like to say to your brother?
  - Yes Dad, I suppose there is. <i>holding the muffin Eddie licked</i> Niles, would you like a muffin? 
- - Frasier!
  - Alright! Niles, sorry things didn't work out with the book. You have no reason to feel inferior to me. You're an accomplished psychiatrist, a decent man, and you stand second to no-one. 
- - Alright, enough of this mushy girly stuff. Just shake hands, punch each other on the shoulder and be done with it. 
  - Oh, what the heck! <i>Niles and Frasier hug, which just disappoints Martin. Martin walksinto the kitchen for a Ballantine and finds Daphne crying.</i> 
- - Frasier? <i>he tilts her seat back so she can see him<i> Whoa! Hi.
  - A little disturbing, looking in the booth and seeing no one there, isn't it? 
- - I'm sorry, but I was up in the newsroom, trying to find out if they've announced the nominations for the SeaBeas yet.
  - Oh, I forgot. Are those coming out today? 
- - You forgot? They're only the biggest award in Seattle radio!
  - Well, I suppose it's the difference in our ages, but I don't find myself getting excited about... well, much of anything anymore.<i>Noel Shempsky enters.</i> 
- - Congratulations, guys.
  - YES!!! Yes, we got a nomination! 
- - Oh, I haven't heard anything, I was just congratulating you on doing a great show. If anyone deserves a nomination, you guys do.<i>Long Pause.<i>
  - <i>growling</i> Get out, Noel. 
- - Okay, catch you later. <i>exits<i>
  - Well I... I guess I'm a little more excited than I let on. Well, it'll be a big feather in my cap to win this, first year in radio and all that? <i>goes into recording booth</i> 
- - Are you kidding? I've been in this business for ten years, I've never produced a show that got nominated for anything. <i>phone rings, she answers<i> Hello? Oh hi, Millie. You're kidding. You're kidding! <i>Frasier comes racing back<i> Oh, you're kidding, that's great! Thanks, bye. <i>puts phone down<i>
  - We got the nomination! 
- - And then she said she'd been seeing someone else. She couldn't keep living a lie. I was dumbfounded. I mean, what about everything we'd gone through together, didn't that mean anything to her?
  - Niles, a patient has a right to change therapists.<i>Bebe Glaser, Frasier's unscrupulous agent, walks in.</i> 
- - Frasier! Thank God.
  - Bebe, what are you doing here? 
- - What kind of agent would I be if I weren't the first to tell you that you've been nominated for a 1994 SeaBea!
  - <i>jumps up</i> I WAS NOMINATED! I WAS NOMINATED! <i>He notices everyone in the room is looking at him, so he sits down.</i> 
- - Oh, please! If I'm ever to have a breakdown, let me have it now! <i>to Niles<i> Double-double decaf, to go.
  - So, this, ah, this is quite a surprise, you know. Actually I'd, ah, forgotten that the nominations were coming out today. 
- - Well actually... no. This nomination is just one more signpost on the low road of celebrity which my brother has chosen for himself.
  - Well, that's not sibling rivalry rearing its vicious little green snout? 
- - Frasier?
  - Roz! 
- - Frasier, Frasier, Frasier!
  - Roz, Roz, Roz! <i>they hug and do a little dance</i> 
- - We did it!
  - I know! Come and sit down. You know, I've never really won anything before. Although back in prep school, the Existentialist Club once named me "Most Likely To Be." 
- - You want to hear the greatest part? I've already got a date for the ceremony - Brad MacNamara.
  - The Channel Eight reporter? "Television's Most Handsome Man." 
- - Oh, yes that's right, I've seen you bring him coffee. By the way, would you mind getting mine?
  - I'd better get myself on the ball here, I've got a lot to do. 
- - Oh, not really, darling. I've already got your tux, rented you a limo and your tickets will be waiting for you at the door.
  - Well... seems the only thing you haven't taken care of is finding me a date. 
- - I'd say this calls for a toast. To my number one son. Congratulations on your first nomination for... well, anything. Frasier, I'm proud of you.
  - Thanks, dad. Means a lot to me.<i>Martin exits to the kitchen as Daphne sips her champagne.</i> 
- - Mmm. Oh, this champagne is delicious.
  - Mmm. It's quite exquisite, isn't it? Dad, what do you think?<i>Martin returns from the kitchen with a beer, which he pours into hischampagne glass.</i> 
- - Oh, thanks. You know, I couldn't believe it myself. Brad MacNamara!
  - Roz, I believe she was referring to your SeaBea nomination? 
- - Would you like me to announce your visitor?
  - Oh, just answer the door! 
- - <i>sarcastically<i> Oh, I'll get it.
  - Oh, would you? 
- - Not on my TV.<i>They laugh like schoolgirls, complete with catcalls and air-pumping.<i>
  - Girls, can we just cut out the pajama party, please? 
- - You know, I must say, Dr. Crane, it's awfully nice that, although I'm an employee here, you include me in all the family celebrations.
  - Well Daphne, there's never been any doubt that I, I think of you as my equal in every way.<i>The doorbell rings. Frasier sits down while Daphne sips her champagne. When it rings again, Frasier glares at her until she moves.</i> 
- - How about a glass of champagne? Apparently it's French and unprepossessing.
  - Oh Daphne, save your breath. It could come out of a box and Roz would have a glass of it. 
- - Thanks. <i>to Frasier<i> I'm sorry to barge in like this, but I had to show you this, Frasier. <i>retrieves a piece of newspaper from her bag<i> I've got a friend over at "Broadcast Magazine" who sent me a copy. It's a full-page ad.
  - <i>reading</i> "Wendy Ashiro wishes to thank the members of the voting committee for her nomination, and hopes they consider her for the award." This is nothing but shameless self- promotion. It's in very bad taste. 
- - Wendy Ashiro's up against you for this award? Oh, I like her, she's a cutie.
  - You're not suggesting we put our own ad in this thing? 
- - Fletcher Grey?
  - THANK YOU, DAD! <i>to Roz, about the ad</i> Well, all right, I&mdash; just as long as it's tasteful and understated. 
- - Great. I'll call my friend, and have him work something up for us.
  - No, wait a minute, wait a minute, we really want to stand out, why run another boring old ad? We should do something different, something unique. 
- - Hey, I heard last year's winner threw a big cocktail party.
  - Okay, okay, we could do that, but we should do something else, something to keep our names in their minds. You know what I mean? Uh, I know. Personalized gifts, uh, from oh, the new Tiffany's catalogue. <i>picks it up</i> 
- - That's good. That's it.
  - I saw the most incredible cigarette cases in here. 
- - No, no. No cigarette cases, it sends out a bad message.
  - Oh, yeah. 
- - Ooh, how about a silver flask?
  - No, we've already got your vote, Roz. 
- - Hold on a minute. Look, I may not know anything about show- business, but when you start sending out gifts to people who can do something for you, that's called bribery.
  - It's a simple "Thank you" for a nomination. 
- - I really want that award.
  - Me too! 
- - Well, you coming in or not? 
  - Dad, this is a big moment for me. I want to drink it in. 
- - Dr. Crane? Bob Peterson, voting committee. <i>they shake hands<i> 
  - Hi, Bob. 
- - Look, I just wanted to wish you good luck tonight. 
  - Thank you, thank you. 
- - Oh, and uh, thanks for the bathrobe. 
  - Oh, it's nothing. People get out of the shower, they're cold.<i>A woman comes over as Peterson leaves.</i> 
- - Dr. Crane. Love the watch. <i>indicates her wristwatch<i> 
  - It's nothing, really. It's a pretty good likeness of me though, isn't it? 
- - Can we please sit down? I have got to sit down. <i>she sits at the nearest table<i> 
  - Daphne, we're at table eight. This isn't our table. 
- - <i>indicating distinguished man<i> Hey, isn't that Fletcher Grey? 
  - Oh yes, I believe it is. 
- - Hey, guys. 
  - Oh, Roz. There's my fellow nominee. 
- - Frasier, those gifts were such a great idea. Everybody's talking about them. 
  - I know. Did you see the valet parking board? Half the key chains there are ours! 
- - Look, Frasier, this is a very big night for me, so please, PLEASE don't spoil it by making fun of who I brought. 
  - I thought you were bringing Brad MacNamara? 
- - Hi, Dr. Crane. <i>gives Vulcan peace salute<i> 
  - Oh, hi Noel. <i>to Roz, quietly</i> Noel Shempsky's your date? 
- - Nice to meet you. Can you rub my feet? 
  - Daphne!<i>Niles arrives.</i> 
- - Good evening, everybody. 
  - Oh, hi Niles. Listen, thank you so much for coming. I know how you feel about this award, and about coming downtown after dark. 
- - Yes. 
  - <i>stopping him</i> Niles. So, where's Maris? 
- - Well, we were just getting ready to leave the house, when Maris got a glimpse of herself in the hall mirror... 
  - Niles, at the end of this story, will I roll my eyes? 
- - I did. 
  - Well then, just skip it. Listen, get me a scotch, will you? 
- - <i>returning<i> That Fletcher Grey, he's aces. Would you believe he remembered me from 1968? 
  - No! 
- - Yeah, I was working on a murder case he was covering. He just looked at me and said, "Hey, you're the guy who found the head." He's been nominated for this award eleven times and he's never won it. 
  - Really? Jeez, I didn't know that. 
- - Dr. Crane? 
  - Fletcher Grey! 
- - Been meaning to come over and wish you luck. Even though I don't think you need it. 
  - Well, that's very kind. I, I hardly think I have a chance against you tonight. 
- - Well you know, I hope you're right? I'd really love to win it this time. Eleven losses in a row, it's starting to get a little embarrassing. 
  - Oh, don't be silly. You'd have to lose fifteen, sixteen times before you'd feel the least bit ashamed. 
- - Oh, Mom. <i>to Frasier<i> I'm sixty years old, and I'm still her little boy. Dr. Crane, I'd like you to meet my mother, Hannah. 
  - What a pleasure, Hannah. Nice to meet you. 
- - Sorry I've been detained, dear. 
  - Oh hi, Bebe. 
- - Civilization will not advance one iota until they start putting more toilets in the ladies room.<i>Niles returns with Frasier's scotch.<i> 
  - Oh, thank you Niles. 
- - Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Would everybody please take their seats? I'm Keith Bishop, and I'd like to welcome you to the fifteenth annual SeaBea awards. Assisting me tonight in handing out the awards is Miss SeaBea 1994, Tawny Van Deusen.<i>As the Emcee carries on with the ceremony, Frasier talks to Roz.<i> 
  - Listen Roz, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable about all the campaigning we did. Did you know Fletcher Grey has been nominated eleven times and never won? He didn't lift a finger to win this thing. 
- - Whoops. Can't see a thing without my glasses. 
  - You know, Fletcher Grey really deserves this award. If we win, can't we just not accept it? 
- - <i>grabbing him by the shirt<i> Listen, Frasier! I have waited ten years to get this award and if I have to crawl over Fletcher Grey's mother to get it, I'll DO IT! 
  - Roz, I... I've never seen you like this before. 
- - And the envelope, please? 
  - If we win this thing, they're gonna lynch us! 
- - Well... this is a first. It seems we have a tie. 
  - Good. We can share it with Fletcher. 
- - And the winners are... Wendy Ashiro and Mike Sanchez! 
  - What?? 
- - Well, the party's over. Are you coming home? 
  - No, dad. 
- - Then I'll guess we'll just go on without you. 
  - Fine with me. 
- - Listen, Frasier. I don't agree with the way you went about it, but I'm still sorry that you lost. It's never easy to lose. 
  - Thanks, dad. 
- - Of course, if you were to have joined some organized sports when you were a kid, when the lessons of winning and losing could have been learned at an early age, you might have... 
  - DAD! 
- - Oh Noel, I'm sorry, I'm just despondent. <i>he waits, expectantly<i> ...No no, go ahead. <i>waves him away<i> 
  - ROZ! 
- - You know, when you feel this sting of losing, you have to realize that it all boils down to the fact that it's not about awards. It's not about accolades. It's about a body of work. If you can look at yourself in a mirror and say you've done a good job, that's all that matters. If you can do that, let the awards fall where they may. <i>He leaves.<i> 
  - Wow. All those nominations, nothing to show for it, he still walks out of here with his head held high and a smile on his face. 
- - <i>bursting into tears<i> I'm never going to get nominated for a SeaBea again! 
  - Oh, come on Roz. 
- - I mean it, I'm not! 
  - Oh, no. 
- - The world is full of winners and losers, and I'm just a loser! 
  - Aw, I wouldn't be with you if you were a loser. Come on, we're a team. Look, before we're done, we're gonna win lots of these things. You and I are amigos, compadres, okay? Now listen, I am not gonna leave your side until I see a little smile on that face.<i>Tawny, Miss SeaBea, wanders toward Frasier.</i> 
- - Dr. Crane? I really love your show, and I was just wondering, would you like to have a drink with me? 
  - <i>to Roz</i> Do I see the beginning of a little smile? 
- - Oh, go ahead. 
  - Thanks, Roz. <i>He gets up and leaves with Tawny</i> 
- - You mean Miss SeaBea? 
  - Well actually, I, er... yeah.<i>End of Act Two.</i>
- - <i>v.o.<i> Oh, thanks for taking my call, Dr. Crane. Um, I'm involved in sort of a strange love triangle.
  - <i>off-air, to Roz</i> Oh goody, this is sweeps week! <i>on-air</i> 
- - You see, I recently married a widower. Now, Phil's a real good man, he's a kind man. But there's just one little problem. He insists on keeping an urn with his late wife's ashes on the dresser in our bedroom.
  - That is a definite "Yikes." 
- - See, I knew that wasn't normal. He says it is, but I knew it wasn't!
  - All right, Rachel, Rachel, now listen. Before you go off half-cocked, let's try to remember this is a very sensitive issue for your husband. Obviously those ashes mean a very great deal to him. And although I don't believe it's appropriate that he keep them in the bedroom, I suppose you could maybe move them to another room? 
- - Well, I guess I could try that. Maybe I'll move them into the guest room. <i>sound of crockery breaking<i> Oops.
  - Rachel, what happened? 
- - Oh... oh, nothing. I gotta run, Dr. Crane. I've got some vacuuming to do. <i>The line goes dead.<i>
  - Well, as Rachel helps Phil's wife off the floor, we have reached the end of our second hour. Now, we'll be right back after the news, so please join me again, Frasier Crane and my invaluable producer... ah... <i>ohmygod, what's her name? It's, it's...</i> 
- - ROZ!
  - Roz! KACL Talk radio, 780 AM. <i>He goes off the air, and goes into Roz's area.</i>
- - Oh, forget about it. I already have.
  - Well, it's been happening to me a lot lately. Last night I walked into the kitchen and I just stood there. I couldn't remember what I'd gone in there for. 
- - Don't make yourself crazy over it, it's completely normal. Oh, by the way, you hair stylist called to confirm your appointment.
  - I made an appointment with Timo? I don't remember that. 
- - That's 'cause you didn't, I was just gas-lighting you.
  - That is not funny! 
- - Oh, lighten up. Here, sign these. <i>hand him some forms<i> So aren't you gonna say it, or are you going to make me wait 'til the end of the day?
  - Say what? 
- - Happy birthday.
  - It is not your birthday. <i>sees her stricken face</i> Oh, God. Oh God, it is. Oh, oh Roz, I'm so sorry! Let me take you out to lunch after work, okay? 
- - <i>laughing<i> You are so easy!
  - That's it. I'm outta here! <i>exits into corridor</i> 
- - Hey, wait, wait, wait. Aren't you forgetting something?
  - No, I am not forgetting anything, thank you, Roz. <i>He walks away.</i> 
- - Two...
  - <i>on air</i> We're back.<i>FADE OUT</i>
- - You know, I'm beginning to this I have an affinity towards animals. <i>He goes to throw the handkerchief away. Frasier enters from his bedroom.<i>
  - Would either of you mind if I noodled at the piano for a bit? 
- - Would it really stop you if we said "Yes?"
  - Point well taken. <i>He sits at the piano and starts to play, but loses the tune at around the sixth bar.</i> 
- - Oh, come on Frasier. You know how it goes. It goes, "da dada da da, da dada..."
  - Oh, thank you dad. Now it's perfectly clear. <i>tries once more, then gives up in disgust</i> 
- - That was very nice, son. Now how about something from "South Pacific?"
  - I'm sorry. Just getting fed up with this nonsense. I'm forgetting names all the time. You know, last week, twice I forgot where I parked my car. 
- - Join the club, pal. You're getting older.
  - Oh, well of course I'm getting older. We're all getting older. But I'm not that old. 
- - Oh, I'm afraid dad may have a point. I know you'd like to believe we're still the same devilish sprigs we always were. Sitting on mother's davenport in our tweeds and tans, listening to the Texaco symphonic hour. The cold-hearted reality is, you're middle-aged.
  - Niles, I'm forty-one. That's hardly middle-aged. Middle age is more like fifty, fifty-five. 
- - I'm all ready to go, Dr. Crane.
  - Niles, where are you two off to? 
- - I'm meeting some of my girlfriends for darts and a couple of pints. Oh, it's best to do it in that order. Just ask Blind Willie, the bartender.
  - Listen Daphne, before you go, I'd like to ask you a little question here. When you look at me, um, do you see me as a young man, or as an older man? 
- - I'm sorry, I was someplace else. <i>to Frasier<i> It was a warm and friendly place. <i>He and Daphne leave.<i>
  - Big surprise, I got a headache. Let me get an aspirin. The very suggestion that I'm descending into old age just because I can't remember a couple of names, or a tune on the piano. <i>He takes a medicine bottle out of the cupboard, but has trouble reading the label.</i> 
- - Your arm's not quite long enough for that, is it? Let me ask you a few questions. Can you get through the night without getting up to go to the john? Can you get in and out of a chair without going "Mmmm?" Can you eat a slice of pizza less than twelve hours before you go to bed?
  - <i>after a beat</i> What's on the pizza? 
- - A-ha. I thought so. Alright, well now we've established you're middle-aged. Take some advice don't fight it, it'll go a lot easier.
  - Good lord, dad, what are you suggesting? I'm gonna rush off to a plastic surgeon to get an eye lift and a chin tuck? <i>examines his face in a silver plate</i> Oh, dear god! 
- - <i>looking in family album<i> I'm just telling you, when guys get to this stage they do some squirrelly things that they never would have done when they were younger.
  - Dad, please spare me, I am a psychiatrist, I know the routine. <i>notices the photograph Martin is pointing to</i> Good lord, who is that? 
- - That's me. In '74. Going through my own little stage. I'd dyed my hair jet black and bought a leather jacket and a Harley Davidson.
  - My God, dad. You look like one of the Village People. 
- - Well, fortunately I came to my senses before you got back from Harvard that summer.
  - Are those love beads? 
- - You may think it's tough being middle-aged, but think about me. I got a son who's middle-aged. <i>He exits to his bedroom as Frasier settles onto the couch.<i>
  - Ahhhh... 
- - All right, that's enough. Just do me a favour, will ya? Keep your guard up, and don't do something stupid, all right?
  - Okay, dad. 
- - Say, didn't this used to be Pinski's department store?
  - I have no idea. 
- - Sure it was. we used to bring you kids here all the time. Man, it was a great store. You could buy lingerie, a bag of popcorn and transmission fluid, all under the same roof.
  - Finally, something I'm glad I forgot.<i>Daphne enters.</i> 
- - Hey, Frasier. Check out these dress pants. They got elastic panels in the waist. You could eat all you want, and never worry about cutting off your circulation.
  - Milan must be beside itself. What an innovative use of synthetic fibres. I believe if you recycle these, you can turn them into milk containers. 
- - Are you gonna get them or not?
  - You brought these over for me?! 
- - Hey, the sands of time are shifting, buddy - mostly south! Listen, if you don't want to go with elastic, maybe you could go with suspenders. That way, if you keep your jacket closed, that little gut of yours can hang down to here and nobody's any the wiser.
  - I do not have a gut! <i>looks at himself sideways in the mirror</i> I have... contours.<i>A salesgirl (Carrie) comes over.</i> 
- - <i>to Frasier, indicating elastic pants<i> You're not thinking of getting those, are you?
  - Oh, no. 
- - I have something much better over here. <i>gets another pair<i> What do you think of these? They don't do much on the hanger but, they could really work on a nice, tall guy like you.
  - Oh, you really think so? 
- - Yeah. You've got a great build.
  - Oh, well. Thank you very much, ah...? 
- - Carrie.
  - Ah, Carrie. 
- - Let's see what we can get working here. Um, <i>picks up sweater<i> This is kind of a young look, but you could really pull it off.
  - ...I don't really think it's me. 
- - Are you sure? I think this would look really good on you.
  - Well, I suppose I could try it on. But you know, just out of curiosity, how old do you think I am? 
- - Oh, I don't want to do that.
  - No, no, no, please go ahead. 
- - I don't know. Um... thirty-six?
  - Are you serious? 
- - Oh, God. I'm sorry. You're probably more like thirty-four. Now you don't want to buy anything from me.
  - Are those Armani shirts expensive? 
- - Yeah.
  - I'll take two! 
- - Great! Changing room's right this way. You know, I love to guess what my customers do by what they wear. Let me guess. You're an architect, right?
  - No, I'm a psychiatrist. 
- - Oh. I've taken some psychiatry courses. What are you, Freudian? Reichian?
  - Well actually, lately I've been leaning more towards Jung. Guess that's because I'm "Jung at heart." <i>They both laugh.</i><i>N.B. This episode was apparently written before the establishment ofthe Freud/Jung rivalry between Frasier and Niles.</i>
- - I can't believe I laughed at that.
  - I bet you laugh at all of your customer's jokes. 
- - No. Just the cute ones.
  - ...Cute jokes or customers? 
- - Hey, you about ready?
  - Oh, just a second, dad, I'm trying on a pair of pants. Hey, did you notice that girl who came over and asked to help us earlier? 
- - Sure I noticed her. I'm not dead.
  - Well you know, we just had a little conversation a minute ago and uh, I could swear she was flirting with me. 
- - <i>taking a good look at Carrie<i> Trust me son, she's on commission.
  - Oh no, I know a sales pitch when I hear one, and that was no sales pitch. She's definitely interested in me. Think I may have to see where this may lead. 
- - I know you're forgetting things lately, but don't you remember the little talk we had last night?
  - <i>realizing</i> Oh, dear. It sneaks right up on you, doesn't it? What am I thinking about? A forty-one year-old man going out with a girl that's twenty-two, twenty-three? 
- - Hey, doc. Hear the great news? Ken Griffey Junior's groin pull is completely healed.
  - Thank goodness. I'm sure years from now we'll all remember where we were the moment we heard the joyful news.<i>Carrie enters, carrying a garment bag.</i> 
- - Excuse me, Dr. Crane?
  - Hi, Carrie. 
- - Whoa, doc! <i>honks horn<i> Where'd you leave them?
  - They're new, Bulldog. Some of the finer department stores deliver garments to their busier customers. 
- - Well, what are you doing next Memorial Day?
  - Bulldog, as certain as I am that any young lady in the world would love to set your face on fire, Carrie, I believe, is here to see me.
- - Is he gay? <i>Frasier looks at her, surprised<i> Well, I've been studying about this in school, and it seems like he's really overcompensating.
  - Yes, well, I'm not sure. <i>smiles</i> But I certainly look forward to running that theory by him. Well um, thank you for the pants, Carrie, and uh, do I owe you anything? 
- - Oh, no. I really enjoyed meeting you yesterday, and it seemed like we had a few laughs together and, maybe we could, you know, go out and have a cup of coffee sometime? 
  - I'm very flattered that you'd like to go out with me, and uh, jeez, I think you're a beautiful young woman.. 
- - But?
  - Well it's, it's our ages. I mean, how old are you? 
- - Twenty-two. How old are you?
  - That's not polite. I just don't think it would be appropriate for us to date. 
- - I only got a second here, but... <i>raps on Frasier's forehead, hard<i> HELLO? ANYONE THERE? <i>Roz enters<i> She wanted to go out with you. You didn't have to chase her. You didn't have to harass her. You didn't have to pay her! It was like, a miracle.
  - She's too young.
- - Well, I'm sorry. But if you change your mind you know where I am. Enjoy your pants.
  - Same to you.<i>Carrie leaves. Bulldog comes back.</i>
- - <i>to Roz<i> Are you following any of this?
  - I don't expect you to understand.
- - How about we just live together? <i>then<i> I'm just trying to lighten an uncomfortable moment.
  - Right. Ha-ha. Well done. 
- - Great. 'Cause I don't. So you're not going out with her?
  - No, I'm not.
- - Good. I'm going to see if I can catch up with her at the elevator. Maybe she's never dated a former professional hockey player before.
  - You never played hockey.
- - Talk about pathetic.
  - Yes, isn't he though? 
- - I meant you.
  - Me? What, are you saying I should go out with her? 
- - Frasier, take it from me. It's hard enough to find somebody. So when an opportunity like this comes along, you gotta grab it.
  - Roz, what about the age thing? 
- - Well, what about it?
  - Oh, come on! You see an old man walking down the street arm in arm with a beautiful young girl, what do you think? 
- - There you are, Frasier. I'm so glad you called me.
  - Well, thanks for coming, Niles. 
- - Some of Maris's friends introduced me to the most delightful party game last night. I can't wait to share it with you.
  - Well Niles, I'd really like to talk... 
- - No, no. Shh. This first, it's a hoot. If you were stranded on a desert island with one meal, one aria, and one bottle of wine, what would they be?
  - Niles, I really don't... 
- - Frasier, please.
  - Okay... A Big Mac, "I'm your Venus," and Ripple. 
- - Are you still crabbed up about this middle-aged business?
  - No. No-no-no, I'm fine there. By the way, you were absolutely right, Niles. 
- - ...If you're going to mock the game, then don't play.
  - Gladly. 
- - Ooh! I love to hear you say that.
  - Yes. But I do have a problem. You see, the other day I was asked out by a... this twenty-two year old girl that I met in a mall. 
- - That is alarming.
  - Well, I turned her down. 
- - No no, you were in a mall. Did anyone see you?
  - Niles! No, I'm just wondering if I made the right decision. You see, I would, I would love to go out with this girl. She's fantastic. I'm just afraid of looking like some old fool chasing after a young girl. Becoming a walking mid-life crisis clich&eacute;. Running around like that buffoon Stanley Barrister.<i>Touched off, they start talking over each other.</i> 
- - Oh, Stanley Barrister. That is embarrassing, isn't it?
  - Oh, is that not beyond the pale? I mean, that girl - how old can she be? 
- - Twenty-one, if she's a day.
  - I saw them, it was last Tuesday night, together. 
- - That's disgusting.
  - That's what's so frightening. Well, this is what I'm afraid of. People will have the same conversation about me. 
- - Stanley Barrister is a sixty-year-old man who wears a toupee that looks like something he pulled out of a shower drain. You are forty-one, and obviously not wearing a toupee.
  - Thank you, Niles. So you think it would be okay to go out with this woman? 
- - Doesn't matter what I think.
  - Well, it does to me. You're my brother, I value your opinion. 
- - My opinion isn't relevant.
  - Don't be coy, Niles. And will you please stop pursing your lips? It makes you look like one of those old women they carve out of dried apples. 
- - <i>purses his lips once more, then<i> Don't you see? What I think about you dating a younger woman is immaterial. What we think about Stanley Barrister is immaterial. The only thing that matters is what you think. Ask yourself, if you went out with her, would you be doing it because you were running away from your age, or because you think this has the potential of becoming a meaningful relationship?
  - I don't know. 
- - Find out. And then to hell with what people think.
  - Niles, you are absolutely right. 
- - Oh! There it is again, I never tire of hearing that. Let the tongues of the doubting nabobs wag. If it feels right, make yourself happy.
  - Thank you, thank you. <i>gets up</i> Oh, by the way Niles, if you were stranded on a desert island, what would you choose as your favorite meal, aria and wine? 
- - The Coulibiliac of salmon at Guy Savoy, "Vissi d'Arte" from Tosca, and the <i>Coutre Roune Ch�teau<i> Neuf du Pape '47.
  - You are SO predictable.<i>He walks out, leaving Niles gobsmacked.FADE TO</i>
- - Hi. I didn't expect to see you here.
  - Well um, I could lie to you and tell you I came here to shop, but actually I came here to see you. 
- - That's great. I've been thinking about you a lot.
  - Well, I've been thinking a lot about you too, and I just wanted to chat a little bit about why I thought we shouldn't go out. 
- - Okay.
  - Well, you see, I thought I was going through a phase. You know, well, a mid-life crisis to be frank. And ah, I was afraid if I went out with you I would be trying to recapture my youth or something. 
- - Oh my God. I can't believe you're saying this. I was afraid that I asked you out only because I was trying to work out some stuff of my own. You know, some unresolved issues about my father or something.
  - Oh no, no. Because I went back and forth, you know? I felt like a fool, and then I didn't... 
- - Me, too. Back and forth.
  - And then I thought maybe you just came along because, to fill some sort of a need or something. 
- - Or, or maybe this could be something serious.
  - Exactly. So... well. All right, I asked myself a few tough questions..
- - Me too.
  - And well, I finally came to a decision. 
- - Me too. I think us going out would have been really stupid.
  - <i>forced enthusiasm</i> Me too! 
- - It would have completely clouded things with my father, and you and I would never have been on a very firm footing. But you knew all that. You could have told me, but you just let me figure it out for myself.
  - Yes, I'm sort of like the Wizard of Oz. 
- - It's no wonder everybody listens to your radio show. You're so smart.
  - ...Actually, I am full of crap. I had no idea that you might have been grappling with some personal issues here. Some psychiatrist, huh? The truth is, I came down here to talk you into going out with me. I guess it's still a pretty bad idea. 
- - You're being so honest with me... that is such an attractive quality in a man. <i>she hugs him<i>
  - ...Well, you know, let's not go down that road again. 
- - Okay.
  - See you around. <i>Carrie turns back to her work. As Frasier leaves, he punches a mannequin with great force. She looks around at the noise, buthe's already gone.</i><i>End Of Act Two.</i>
- - Calm down, dear. No, calm down, listen, take a left, then the second right, then a left again.
  - Is Maris lost again? 
- - Yes, she wandered into the kitchen by mistake. I had to talk her back to the living room. 
  - <i>looking round</i> It's kinda busy, any chance of getting a table? 
- - Not at the moment. The table by the window received their check five minutes ago but they have been sitting there yammering away every since. I've been shooting them dirty looks, but they haven't budged.
  - Show me the look. <i>Niles pulls a one-eyebrow look in a strict sort of way.</i> 
- - Meantime, shall we go ahead and order? 
  - Oh why not? <i>to waitress</i> What are your coffees today?
- - Zimbabwe and Kenya. 
  - I'll have a Zimbabwe latte. 
- - I'll have a Kenyan cappuccino. 
  - So, what's new? 
- - Well, Yoshi the gardener finally won the battle of the wills. He got Maris to dig up her camellias so he could put in that precious Zen garden that he's been hocking us about since last fall. 
  - How did that turn out? 
- - Oh, it's beautiful, it's the perfect place for meditation. Yesterday, I found Maris smack-dab in the middle sitting in the lotus position. 
  - Well good for her, apparently it's bringing out her spiritual side. 
- - I'm not sure, she reading a Danielle Steel novel, making a nail appointment on her cellular phone. 
  - Do you realize that today marks a year since I moved here from Boston? 
- - They have a new moisturizer dispenser in the men's room, and the cream is entirely too oily, so I had to rewash my hands, and would you know it, that is when the hot-air hand dryer decides to break down! 
  - How do you get through the day?
- - Really? A year! It seems like yesterday dad moved in with you. 
  - Isn't funny how two people can have distinct, opposite impressions of the same event? 
- - <i>bringing coffees<i> Here we go, Zimbabwe and Kenyan. 
  - <i>not pleased</i> Oh, excuse me, did I say decaf?
- - No, you didn't. 
  - Oh, I'm sorry. If I drink the regular it'll keep me tossing and turning all through my brother's conversation. <i>she takes it</i> Well Niles, it doesn't look like anybody is leaving, why don't we take a table outside? 
- - Maddening! 
  - What is it now? 
- - <i>moving to the window seat<i> They are both sitting there as if they own that table. Maybe if we both gave them the look. 
  - It's worth a try. <i>They both stare at them, and they move.</i> Niles, I'll never doubt you again! <i>they give high fives</i><i>However, by the time that Niles and Frasier have got their possessions from the counter, a couple have already seated themselves. Niles and Frasier are angered by this.</i> 
- - Why not, I'm feeling al fresco. 
  - Oh, how does Mrs. Fresco feel about that? <i>They chuckle away as they go to the outside seats. They find a table and some chairs exactly in front of the entrance. Frasier watchesNiles wipe down the seat meticulously.</i>
- - So, Frasier, now that chapter two of your life is in full swing, do you mind if I ask you something?
  - No, go right ahead. 
- - Did you hear the question?
  - Yes, I'm thinking. It's a seemingly complex question. 
- - No, it's not.
  - Yes, it is. 
- - No, it's not. Either you're happy or you're not.
  - Are you happy? 
- - No, but we're not talking about me. 
  - Oh, let's not just gloss over that. You, my only brother, has just told me you're not happy and it pains me to hear that, so why? 
- - I was watching PBS the other night in my study and they were showing this documentary on the Great Depression. Vintage Steinbeck - desperately poor people escaping the Dust Bowl, their meager possessions strapped to rickety old trucks heading to what they thought was their salvation. Then there was this scene with this scruffy boy being handed a brand-new pair of shoes by the Salvation Army. Frasier, if you saw the look on that boy's face. It was a look of pure and utter happiness. I have never experienced that kind of happiness, not in my whole life. Not even when I bought these four hundred dollar Bruno Maglies. <i>shows shoes off<i> Do you like them?
  - Do you like them? 
- - What about the tassels?
  - Well, I'm not much of a tassel guy. 
- - No, neither am I, nevertheless there they are. <i>thinks<i> Oh, I have no reason to be unhappy. I have my health, have a wonderful home, a beautiful wife... did your eyebrow just move?
  - I don't think so. 
- - I've got my practice. Although, lately I've lost track of the ideals that led me to psychiatry in the first place. 
  - Hmm, yes. 
- - Look who I'm talking to. Psychiatry's answer to the drive- through window. You know, sometimes I wonder if I'm not just in psychiatry for the money.
  - Oh, I wouldn't say that's true. In a word... forget it. 
- - What were you going to say?
  - I'd rather not. 
- - Well, there's no need, I think I know what you were getting at. You've been wanting to ask me this for years did I marry Maris for the money? <i>Frasier nods<i> I resent that! I did not marry Maris for the money. It was just a delightful bonus. 
  - So, you really do love her? 
- - Of course I love her. But it's a different kind of love.
  - You mean it's not human? 
- - No, no, I mean it doesn't burn with the passion and intensity of a Tristan and Isolde. It's more comfortable, more familiar. Maris and I are old friends. We can spend an afternoon together - me at my jigsaw puzzle, she at her auto-harp - not a word spoken between us and be perfectly content. 
  - I'm told it was a lot like that near the end in the Hitler household. 
- - Oh fine, let's shift this subject back to where it belongs. This whole thing started with me asking whether you were happy. And don't think about it this time, just answer.
  - Aw, well... 
- - <i>coming over<i> Hey, guys!
  - Hi, Roz. 
- - Anyway, he said why don't we get some coffee and get to know each other? <i>adding makeup<i> I don't know Frasier, I've got a strange feeling that this guy might be the one.
  - Oh, Roz, honey, you say that about every guy you meet. Let's just see if this one calls back. 
- - The new guy from the news department, Andy Winslow. He's really cute. He caught me checking him out when he was bending over the water fountain. 
  - Ah! Love at first sight! 
- - I'm also meeting someone here.
  - Oh, let me guess, a man? 
- - Yes.
  - <i>imitating</i> Yes. 
- - <i>takes Niles's serviette and uses it to wipe her lipstick.<i> Yeah. I guess, you know, I don't think he's here yet. I'll just go and snag a table. 
  - Good Luck! 
- - <i>looks into the caf&eacute;<i> She is comely, in a back-alley sort of way.
  - Roz, yes she's very attractive. 
- - Really? Why should I warrant such strong emotions? I barely acknowledge her existence.
  - I think you may be onto something there, Sherlock! 
- - Do you ever think about you two, you know...
  - Roz and me? <i>laughs</i> No! 
- - I don't think she likes me.
  - Niles, it isn't a question of liking or not liking. She despises you! 
- - You've never fantasized about stealing away to a cheap little motel with her?
  - Oh well, I'm a normal man with normal urges. She does have a silk blouse that falls open a bit when she leans over the cart rack. But mixing work with romance, I don't know, is it ever worth it? 
- - Decaf Zimbabwe Latte. 
  - Is that non-fat milk?
- - No. 
  - Oh, I hate to be a bother, it's just that I'm watching my fat intake. <i>she takes it away, then it begins to rain</i> 
- - What is that? Rain? 
  - <i>sarcastically</i> No, God is crying! 
- - I asked a simple question. 
  - Do you ask any other kind?<i>Niles and Frasier walk in and see Roz, who has managed to get theirusual front row table. They see a group moving near the bookcase, so they head over there, but a couple get to it first. The people onthe window seat move so they dash over there. A man is just about to get there, but Niles blocks him out of his way. They finally sitdown.</i>
- - You're kidding.
  - He didn't think it was very amusing when I said "rest home!" <i>they both laugh</i> 
- - I think I just wanted it a little more than he did. <i>looking out of the window<i> Boy, it's really coming down. <i>Frasier looks out and begins laughing.<i> What? What?
  - Oh, just something that happened the other morning. I asked dad to pass me a bran muffin. You know what he said to me? He said, "What's the magic word?" 
- - <i>sees Roz with a man<i> Oh look, look, that must be Roz's coffee companion. Wow! He's really handsome, isn't he?
  - Wow!" Did you say "Wow?" 
- - Good lord, I did. I've never said "Wow" when describing another man before. I wonder if that means something. 
  - Oh, absolutely. <i>sarcastic</i> It means you're a gay man. Your life with Maris was a charade and you should have come out of the closet years ago. Are you going to tell dad or shall I? <i>laughs</i><i>Meanwhile, a rather wet Daphne and Martin enter with Eddie by theirside.</i> 
- - Hello, dad. 
  - So, dad, what are you two doing here? 
- - Oh, you'll outlive us all. The cranky ones always do. <i>Niles goes to the counter with her.<i> 
  - Dad, let's get you something hot to drink. <i>Frasier summons the waitress</i> Em, cappuccino, latte?
- - We have two special coffees. <i>Martin stares, bored<i> I'll surprise you. <i>leaves.<i> 
  - <i>Eddie sits next to him</i> Oh, joy. There's nothing like the smell of a wet dog to work up the appetite for supper! 
- - Look at us, we're soaked to the skin! 
  - You're in a fine mood today! 
- - Ah, and by the way you left a mess in the kitchen. 
  - I had a piece of toast! 
- - Toast sweat? 
  - Yes, yes, it's when you put a piece of hot toast on any surface, and it leaves droplets of dew behind. Haven't you heard dad's lecture on the evils of toast sweat? It's the scourge of our times.
- - And a decaf, non-fat, Zimbabwee Latte. 
  - Oh dear, is that cinnamon on that foam? <i>She whisks it away again. </i>
- - It serves you right for keeping your sweaters in a place called "the cubby." 
  - That's it, my bedroom is off limits to this fleabag. 
- - <i>to Niles<i> That's your brother's smart-ass way of telling me he's heard this before. Well, you won't have to hear it again, come on Eddie. Tell Daphne to catch up with us, will you?
  - Dad, please, we go through this little melodrama at least once a week. Will you just sit down, it's raining outside. 
- - Oh, don't worry about me, I'll find a place. I've got a little money saved up. I never wanted to move in with you in the first place, and the last thing I want to do is... 
  - <i>with him</i> ..."to be a burden to anybody." 
- - No, no. I'll pay for coffee too, how much is it?
  - A dollar-fifty. 
- - Frasier, are you alright? You've been in there forever.
  - Oh, I tried that damn hand cream, <i>wipes his hand on serviette</i> I was so oily I couldn't get a grip on the doorknob. I awaited to be rescued, finally when some guy came in I said, "Oh God, am I glad to see you." I can't even begin to describe the look he gave me. <i>A man walks past Frasier, giving him an indescribable look.</i> 
- - So, your brother tells me you and your father are at it again.
  - Oh yeah, what's new? 
- - I don't know what's wrong with him. Lately, he's had a face as long as a wet weekend. Yesterday, when I insisted he do his exercises, he told me to put my feet behind my head and spin like a top. <i>Niles begins to fantasize about this<i>
  - Oh well, best thing to do, just ignore him when he gets sarcastic. Isn't that right, Niles? Niles? 
- - Yes, I've always had an ear for your tongue.
  - Niles! 
- - What did I say? Want another coffee?
  - Not until I've had my first one, thanks! <i>Niles signals for another coffee</i> Why is it always so difficult between me and dad? 
- - Oh well, you might try looking at it from dad's point of view. As a policeman in a position of authority and that's been taken away from him. Wailing against the world is his way of controlling his ever-shrinking sphere of influence. 
  - Yes I do empathize with him. I just can't help wishing I could just kick that cane out from under him once in a while and that he would land on Eddie! 
- - Well, the simple truth is, it's hard. I know you're trying! 
  - I am! And you know, sometimes I do see the fruits of my labor. You know, just the other night dad was watching TV and I had fallen asleep on the couch and suddenly I stirred, I felt something on my head, and dad was standing above me stroking my hair. 
- - Dad?! Did he say anything?
  - Well, he said, "don't think it's time you got a hair cut, you're starting to look like bozo!" I know he was only covering though. But what do you think? 
- - Probably wouldn't hurt to get a trim!
  - No! Do you think he was covering? 
- - <i>Grazie.<i> 
  - Excuse me, but what about mine?
- - We've got a team of specialists working on it. <i>leaves<i> 
  - Look, why don't we just change the subject from dad, and talk about something else. 
- - Absolutely, pick a new topic. Something light and frothy. 
  - I agree. Are you in love with Daphne? <i>Niles does a spit-take.</i> 
- - I don't know! There, I said it. There, are you happy? Oh, why did you have to hire Venus herself? Couldn't you have found some beefy, East-European scrub woman who reeked of ammonia?
  - Well, I asked, but it was an Olympic year. The agency was fresh out. 
- - Frasier, I can't get her out of my mind. When I look at Daphne she stirs a passion in me I've never known before. 
  - Niles, you're not considering leaving Maris? 
- - Certainly not! 
  - Well, I suppose the situation you're in is that you'd like to stay with Maris but you'd like an affair with Daphne. 
- - Yes. Can I do that?
  - No, you can't! 
- - I thought that I couldn't but you got my hopes up there for a minute. Oh, it's easy for you. You're free, you're happy - although perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself there, you haven't answered that question yet.
  - Oh, I haven't answered it, have I? 
- - You haven't and I'm getting curious. Are you happy?
  - Well, I guess the best way I can think of saying it is... 
- - <i>coming over<i> This sucks! 
  - What's the matter? 
- - Hmm, simple. He didn't want to date me. He wanted to convert me! I don't have anything against religious people. I don't care if they're Jewish, or Jehovah Witness or Buddhist. I am ecumenical, I embrace men of all faiths! 
  - If only it stopped there! 
- - No, they didn't get into dating until the New Testament.
  - Oh, I'm sorry Roz, why don't you join us? 
- - No, no thank you. There's a cute new handyman in my building. I thought I'd just go home, slip into a neglig&eacute;e and rip out my faucet. <i>leaves<i>
  - You think she's kidding, don't you? You know, I think about Roz's life and it makes me wonder about my own. I haven't been exactly burning up the social scene lately. 
- - You'll find somebody.
  - But what if I don't? What if I end up old and alone? I just might have to buy a funny little dog and move in With Frederick. I guess I don't need to worry about that for a while. 
- - No, Frederick should start worrying about it. In the meantime, you might want to answer my ever-more-tedious original question. Are you happy?
  - Well, I guess I'd have to say... 
- - Oh, for Pete's sake!
  - Hello dad, what are you doing back here? 
- - I don't know. I've been acting like a jerk these past couple of days, and I've been taking it out on you and Daphne. You know all that stuff I said earlier? Just forget about it.
  - I already have. 
- - Come on, boy.
  - Dad, dad, listen. Has something been bothering you these past few days? 
- - No, not really, no.
  - Come on, say it. 
- - Oh, if you could just see the look on your face...
  - Just give it up, Niles! Dad, I'm sorry. Listen, come and have a seat. 
- - You know, I don't know why I let it bother me. All those years on the force, I missed enough of you boys' birthdays. You're entitled to miss one of mine. 
  - You know what, there's no reason to stop us celebrating anyway. Tonight, we'll take you out for dinner. 
- - They were voted best bratwurst of all time for three years in a row.
  - <i>Ach du lieber!</i> <i>they laugh</i> 
- - Oh great, German food. We whipped the Jerries twice this century and they still have the last laugh. <i>leaves<i>
  - You know, dad I'd give you a ride, but I've got to stop by the station first. 
- - No, that's okay, I'll give him a lift. 
  - Ah. 
- - Zimbabwe, decaf, non-fat milk, no cinnamon in sight. Now - ARE YOU HAPPY? 
  - <i>answering Niles's question</i> You know, in the greater scheme... yes, I'd say I am. <i>He tastes his coffee. Fade out.</i><i>End of Act Two. (Time 2210)</i>
- - <i>v.o.<i> That's OK, Doc. At least I know my airbags work.
  - <i>laughs uncomfortably</i> Well, I'm glad you're alright. And thank you for your call.<i>Gil Chesterton edges open the door and slides into the booth. He waves and mouths "Hi."</i> 
- - <i>motherly<i> Hey, Frasier!
  - Hello, Gil. 
- - I heard you coughing on the air earlier today. Sounds like you might be coming down with something. So I had this sent over from Rosenthal's Deli. <i>hands Frasier a white paper bag<i> Chicken soup, so lovingly prepared even the chicken gets well.
  - Thank you. That's very kind. 
- - Mmm!
  - Much like her own. <i>He coughs repeatedly and loudly, ignoring Roz's offended look.</i> 
- - I say, I hope this isn't the start of that nasty flu that's going around. You want to take a couple of days off, nip it in the bud, I'd be happy to cover your time slot for you.
  - No, no, thank you. I'll be fine tomorrow. 
- - Mmm! Plump, gooey, and guaranteed to rot your teeth.
  - Yes. I don't like his phony British accent much, either. 
- - You sure got a bug up your mind about Gil. What's your problem?
  - I just don't trust him. Nobody's that nice unless they want something from you.<i>Roz picks up something from the table and heads back to her booth.</i> 
- - He's just a generous person.
  - Oh, yes! <i>getting up and following her</i> He was very generous to Bonnie Weems! Bought her a case of wine, asked her to let him have her timeslot when she was off on vacation. When she got back, she had been banished to the midnight to four a.m. slot! 
- - What are you saying? He's trying to take our timeslot?
  - I'm just saying we should watch our backs. How would you like to work from midnight to four a.m.? What would happen to your social life? Those are your peak hours! <i>smirks</i> 
- - You're just being paranoid.
  - No, I'm not. <i>returns to his booth</i> 
- - Frasier! <i>sees the first bag<i> Oh good, it's still here. I'm so sorry. This is your soup. <i>hands him the bag in his hand and takes the one off the console<i> This is the Lobster Newburg I bought for the station manager's cat.<i>He leaves. Frasier, vindicated, throws a knowing look at Roz.<i>
  - I'll see you tomorrow, Roz.<i>He grabs his briefcase off the console and leaves.FADE OUT</i>
- - Bodies don't rise till the weather gets warmer. You get your first floater, and spring's just around the corner! <i>Daphne looks suitably disgusted.Frasier enters from his bedroom, clumsily dressed and looking extremely tired. <i>
  - <i>listlessly</i> Morning, Dad, Daphne. 
- - Frasier, you sound awful!
  - <i>unconvincingly</i> It's just a little bug. 
- - And coming from an English person, that's bad!<i>Daphne, offended, picks up the breakfast dishes and marches into the kitchen.<i>
  - Don't worry, Dad. As you've often said, "if you can walk, you can work." Took kind of an ironic twist the day you got shot in the hip! 
- - Well, at least I had a real job. Half your listening audience hears voices already, and the other half talks to themselves! If you don't show up, who's going to notice?
  - Well, I'm out of here. <i>He puts down his mug and walks over to the coat rack. Daphne runsafter him from the kitchen.</i> 
- - But you're burning up! You really should stay home and let me tend to you. I'm a very good nurse. I mended all my brothers' soccer injuries.
  - <i>shrugging into his coat</i> Well, I didn't get injured playing soccer. 
- - <i>folding his arms<i> Well, that's going to look pretty against the glass in your booth! Why don't you just stay home?
  - Dad, Daphne, thank you, thank you. But I'm a physician. I believe that I am the best monitor of my own condition. I'm fine! Fit as a fiddle!<i>He pulls open the door and exits. Beat. The doorbell sounds, languidly and tiredly. Daphne, who has turned away, returns expectantly to the door and opens it to reveal a very sick Frasier.</i>
- - <i>on radio<i> If you're listening, Doc, all of us here at KACL want you to get better soon.
  - <i>mumbling around the thermometer</i> I just bet you do.<i>Daphne comes out of the bathroom.</i> 
- - Time to check if the turkey's done. <i>she takes out the thermometer<i>
  - Dad, you know, you don't have to sit in here with me all day. 
- - Oh, boy. Your temperature is up there - one hundred and one! You are a sick boy.
  - Thank you for reminding me, Daphne. 
- - Naw, I remember the sickest I ever was. They'd shipped us back from Korea. I got this Oriental parasite, that was building its own little pagoda right in my colon...
  - Thank you, Dad. 
- - You know, you might try some of my homeopathic tea. It'll flush out your system, and it'll also make your hair more shiny and manageable. <i>She fluffs her own hair, while sterilizing the thermometer with alcohol.<i>
  - No, no thank you. 
- - Oh, no! That wasn't the sickest I was. It was that time Your mother and I took that trip down to Mexico. I was real careful about the water, and then I ate this piece of lettuce. Next thing you know, I'm spewing both for accuracy and distance. I spent the night curled up on the stone floor, screaming, "I want to die, I want to die!"
  - Wouldn't that have been a tragedy? You wouldn't be here with me now! 
- - <i>pleasantly<i> Is there anything else you need?
  - A little more ginger ale, please. 
- - Very well, then. <i>She turns to leave but he calls her back.<i>
  - Oh Daphne, this time make it shaved ice, not cubes. And I don't like those straws. Can I have the bendy kind? And the saltines, they're too salty. I need the low-sodium. 
- - Frasier, I brought you something.
  - Niles! Put the hanky down, for God's sake! It's not the plague!<i>Niles does, carefully folding the handkerchief and placing it on thebed before sitting down. He's carrying a plastic bag with a slime-green pouch inside, with a lanyard around it.</i> 
- - Well, look. This is from Marta, our maid. It's a poultice you wear around your neck. The recipe comes from her remote mountain village in Guatemala.
  - <i>catches a whiff</i> I can see why her village is remote! 
- - Well yes, it is pungent. <i>drapes it around Frasier's neck<i> But, by inhaling these herbs, many of the villagers live to be well over a hundred. Marta herself is seventy-eight, and you should see her scramble up the stairs when Maris rings her little bell.<i>The phone rings.<i>
  - Oh, Niles, would you mind? 
- - Of course.<i>Obligingly, Niles gets off the bed and walks to the phone. Eddie scampers into the room and bounces up onto Frasier's bed next to him.<i>
  - Oh, hello Eddie! For once I'm actually glad to see you! Here. <i>He drapes the poultice around the dog's neck. Horrified, Eddie runs out of the room. Frasier laughs to himself.Niles returns to the bed, phone in hand.</i> 
- - <i>returning to the bed, phone in hand<i> Uh, it's for you. It's - Roz?
  - <i>taking the phone and speaking weakly</i> Hello. 
- - So, how are you feeling?
  - Awful, thank you.<i>Reset to we see Roz standing at the payphone outside the studio, as Gil still goes on with his show.</i> 
- - Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Because I really think you should get your butt back down here. You were right about Gil, Frasier. He's lobbying for our slot. I was talking to Millie in Traffic and she overheard Gil talking to the station manager. It was all about how our timeslot is perfect for his show because it's mid-afternoon and everyone is making <i>posh accent<i> dinner plans!
  - I knew it, I knew it! Geez... OK, Roz, you can count on me. I'll be there tomorrow. 
- - <i>fake<i> Fabulous!<i>Reset to Frasier's room.<i>
  - OK, I'll be in tomorrow.<i>He hangs up the receiver, and Niles replaces the phone on the desk.</i> 
- - You go in in that condition, you won't even make it to the... 
  - Oh, I just don't trust Gil Chesterton. I think he's after my timeslot. <i>exasperated</i> Oh Niles, will you stop it with the alcohol!<i>Niles reluctantly places the cotton wool into the plastic bag that once held the poultice.</i>
- - Frasier, I think that fever of yours is making you delusional.
  - Oh, no! I filled in for you when you were too sick to meet with your "Fear of Intimacy" group! 
- - <i>heading into the bathroom<i> I wasn't sick. They were just getting too close.
  - Oh, I guess you're right. It's probably a bad idea. Doing my show requires a set of abilities that you just don't possess. You have to be able to size up your patients very quickly, and then dispense your advice in an entertaining and insightful manner. 
- - <i>re-entering the room<i> Frasier, this pathetic attempt at reverse psychology is beneath you.
  - <i>knowingly</i> Then you're not going to do my show? 
- - <i>on radio<i> But before we get into the specifics of your problem, why don't I give you a little historical background? The psychiatrist Sigmar Bromnoh - that's B-R-O-M-N-O-H - in the late 1950s, wrote extensively on the problem you are facing. Which is all the more amazing when you realise that Bromnoh was a prominent Reichian, although...
  - <i>gleefully</i> Listen to him! He's terrible! <i>He shuts off the radio. Daphne removes the thermometer.</i> 
- - And, I'm afraid, so are you. Your temperature's up to one hundred and three.
  - Oh, it could go up to a hundred and five, I couldn't be better! My timeslot is safe. Niles is as dry as this toast you brought me - with the crust still on. I'm sure when I'm ready to go back, they'll send a limo! 
- - Well, I'll just go get you another drink. Was that last straw bendy enough?
  - Perfect, thank you. <i>she starts to leave</i> Oh Daphne, Daphne, look. <i>points at a tissue box on the bed next to him</i> Here, take these tissues away. I, they hurt my nose. I want that kind with the little moisturizer droplet between the sheets. And the rose petals in the humidifier - I think they're starting to wilt. 
- - Hey, Niles is pretty good!
  - Good? Good?! The little rat is scintillating! Oh, why couldn't he just do what's expected of him for once and stink?! He's even better than Gil Chesterton! Oh, God - they're trying to make me look bad! 
- - Aw, geez. This high temperature of yours is making you zooey.
  - No! No! It's made me clear-headed. I've gotta get down there, go to that station, reclaim what's rightfully mine! <i>He struggles out of bed, and to his feet.</i>
- - <i>stands<i> Frasier, you're not going anywhere.
  - <i>facing off with his dad</i> Oh, who's going to stop me? 
- - I am.
  - Oh, how are you - a man with a limp and a cane - going to stop a man in the prime of his life?<i>Martin pokes Frasier in the chest, and the latter falls patheticallyback onto the bed, groaning loudly.</i> 
- - We have Sonya from Auburn on line three.
  - Let's just hear what Sonya has to say... <i>He presses a button on his console. BANG! A bomb under his chairexplodes, vaporizing him. Roz looks upwards, bewildered, as debrisrains down on Frasier's console.SMASH CUT TO Frasier's BedroomFrasier (still sick), wakes up screaming.</i> 
- - What is it this time?!
  - I had a dream! I had a dream! They are plotting against me! 
- - Oh, now now, Dr. Crane. I thought we went over this already. It's just your fever talking!
  - <i>suspiciously</i> Oh, that's just what you want me to think! You're probably in league with Niles! I know about the two of you! Oh, you pretend not to know, but you know! <i>N.B. Frasier almost blew Niles's secret right here!!! In fact, Jane Leeves, who says she knows more about Daphne than the writers who created her, always maintained that Daphne has always been aware of Niles's feelings for her, but sublimates them out of feelings of inferiority. &mdash; Mike Lee</i><i>Frasier grabs his prescription pad off the desk and starts scribblingon it.</i>
- - But you can barely function!
  - Yes, well, these prescriptions will take care of that and more. <i>rips off a slip and passes it to her</i> Now here, run down to the drugstore, post-haste! 
- - <i>reading it<i> Syducane?! This'll have you high as a kite!
  - That's only until I take a couple of these! <i>He rips off another slip and gives it to her. As he climbs out ofbed, she reads it and her eyes widen.</i><i>N.B. A play on the name of series writer Sy Dukane.</i> 
- - Oh now, Dr. Crane, I really don't think you're in any shape...
  - Thank you! But the moment I give a fig for what you think is the day that England produces a great chef, a world-class bottle of wine, and a car that has a decent electrical system!<i>And for Daphne, that's the limit.</i> 
- - <i>furious<i> You know, being a health-care provider, I try to be sympathetic towards my patients. But I have reached the end of my tether with you, Doctor! You are by far the most ungrateful, disagreeable, self-centered, whiny fusspot I've ever had the misfortune of dealing with! I've had patients on their deathbeds who were more considerate, and a damn sight more jolly too! As far as I'm concerned, you can lay in those sweaty sheets until you're one giant bedsore!
  - Are you done? 
- - <i>calming down somewhat<i> Yes.
  - Then scurry on down to the drugstore and get those filled while I get dressed!<i>He turns toward his closet, as Daphne stalks out of the bedroom.FADE TO</i>
- - Oh, Frasier! What a surprise to see you here today!
  - Well, it's no wonder. I've taken some wonder drugs, I feel wonderful! <i>laughs</i> So I'm going to go do my show now - so ta-ta, Pieman!<i>He pulls open the door and enters, as Gil looks confused and a little alarmed. Inside the booth, Niles is talking. Roz notices Frasier first.</i> 
- - Thank you, Greta. It's always satisfying to know I've changed someone's life. <i>sees Roz signaling and looks<i> Oh, look who's just wandered into my booth, it's my brother Frasier.
  - Hello, Niles. I've come to take back the reins of my show, so you can just scoot out of there. <i>Roz comes in</i> 
- - <i>hesitantly<i> You OK, Frasier? Your eyes look a little glassy.
  - <i>dismissively</i> I'm fine! It's just that the drugs I took have some minor slide effects...<i>He settles into his chair, as Roz and Niles trade an alarmed look.Roz grabs his chair and wheels him to face her.</i> 
- - Frasier, look at me. Do you see trails when I do this? <i>She splays her fingers and passes her hand repeatedly across his eyes.<i>
  - Whoa! <i>laughs</i> Ha! It wasn't doing that before!<i>Niles holds Frasier's gaze steady by taking hold of his chin.</i> 
- - This is what you're going to do. You're going to bed, you're going to get rest, and you're going to get rid of this fever, so you can be as good as new. "Let's get better!" All right? <i>removes his fingers<i> All right?
  - <i>docilely, seeming appeased</i> All right... OK... <i>He stands, Niles and Roz start to lead him out of the booth.</i>
- - <i>yelling<i> Frasier! FRASIER!<i>She runs down the hall to her door even as Frasier rushes madly across his booth into hers. He locks her door too, laughing wildly.Frasier sits back down in his chair as he pulls the headphone on.Roz and Niles look in helplessly after banging on the door a fewmore times.<i>
  - Hello, Seattle, I'm back! This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I promise I will never leave you again... so, let's take our first caller. <i>presses a button</i> Hello, I'm listening. 
- - <i>v.o.<i> Hi, Dr. Crane. Thanks for taking my call. I'm a little nervous, okay? My name is Robert.
  - And your name is? 
- - ...My name is Robert.
  - Oh, I'm sorry. We've already had a Robert on the show today. Goodbye!<i>He presses a button to disconnect Robert. Outside the booth, Roz is on the office phone.</i> 
- - Tony, it's Roz. Could you get security up here? Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge and he's gone insane.<i>Inside the booth, Frasier is still on the air<i>
  - Who is this? 
- - I'm Janice.
  - Well, Janice, what's your problem? 
- - Well, I'm having a problem breaking through a barrier with my in-laws.
  - Boring! <i>He jabs another button and disconnects her, then picks up on anotherline.</i> 
- - Hi, Dr. Crane. This is Marjorie. You see, I'm... I'm having a problem with my boss. He doesn't seem to respect me, and I don't have the courage to confront him. 
  - OK, OK, Marjorie. Well, let's, let's see... Let's do a little role-playing, OK? Look, I'll be your boss, you be yourself, you be Marjorie... and uh - come on in and talk to me in a very forceful way. Tell me what you think, and you just might be surprised by what happens!
- - Well, OK. "Listen, Mr. Ross. I've worked for this company for six years and I've never missed a day. But you've constantly promoted people less qualified than I am, and I don't think that's fair."<i>As she speaks, Frasier makes a shooing motion with his right handand presumably starts seeing trails again. He keeps waving his handuntil she stops talking. <i> 
  - Well, Marjorie, I must say I admire your forthrightness, and uh... I wished more of my employees came and spoke to me with an open mind. You know, you're going to get that promotion!"
- - <i>gently<i> Frasier, these nice men are going to take your home.
  - <i>in dazed confusion</i> I'm - I'm, I'm doing my show! <i>a guard takes the headphones off his ears</i> I can't! I'm on the air! 
- - Hey, that was great! 
  - <i>excited</i> Yeah! Wasn't it? Wasn't it? OK, it's my turn! I'm Marjorie and you're the boss now! Come on! Come on...<i>At this point, the door has been forced open and Niles comes in withsome uniformed security guards.</i> 
- - Don't you worry your little mucous-filled head about anything. Everything's under control.<i>The guards have been slowly pushing Frasier out of the booth in hisswivel chair.<i>
  - But it's my show, it's my booth... <i>exiting the door</i> Hey, this is fun! Ha! Make it go faster! Whee!<i>As they wheel him out, Roz quickly shuts the door and checks the clock.</i> 
- - Whaaat?
  - I had another dream! I dreamt I went down to the station all doped-up and tried to take over my show and made a big fool out of myself, and they-they dragged me out of there like a lunatic in a butterfly net! 
- - <i>comfortingly<i> Now, now, that was just a dream. You go back to sleep. You'll feel better in the morning.<i>Soothed, he lays down again.<i>
  - Oh, Daphne. Can I have a little lemonade? With fresh lemons and maybe a little sprig of mint?