Mr. Protocol was recently accused of copying the style of the well-known pundit “Mr. Science”, late of the Duck’s Breath Mystery Theater. This is patently absurd, as everyone knows that protocols have nothing to do with science. Besides, Mr. Science is a complete weenie who probably eats his young, but we won’t go into that, as we wish to conduct this forum on a gentlemanly level.
To demonstrate his independence, Mr. Protocol will now provide two answers to a single question, one in the style of Mr. Science, and one in his own peculiar style. Mr. Protocol hopes that his good friend Miss Manners, who is perfect, will not be unduly offended by the former.
Q: What is a protocol, anyway?
MR. PROTOCOL: Mr. Protocol is pleased to explain the basis of his mission in life. Some years ago, shortly after the unfortunate conclusion of the Babel Project, a need was felt to formalize certain types of communication. To this end, protocols were developed. In the beginning, these served to allow diplomats from various countries to carry on relations between said countries without coming to blows over the conference table. A protocol was merely an extremely complex and codified body of convention governing speech and behavior which served to allow predictability, on the grounds that unpleasant surprises have been known to start wars. This rigid code allowed diplomats to say one thing while meaning another, thus preserving appearances while still managing to do the dirty work.
For many years, this was the sole definition of “protocol”, probably because most oxcarts had very little to say to one another. Naturally, as soon as people began building boxes and plugging them into the wall, they encouraged them to talk to one another, with about the success one would expect of encouraging two-year-olds to do the same. Human two-year-olds, of course, eventually soak up the process by osmosis, but computers never grow up. Consequently, a means had to be found to allow them to communicate with a minimum of surprise on each end. A surprised machine is a confused machine; a confused machine is a broken machine. So, rigid rules of communication were adopted to allow computers to communicate with a minimum of surprises. Various pieces of protocol correspond to “Got a minute?”, “Here’s what I have to say”, “OK”, and “Say what?.” In addition, most protocols include extra information which allows the receiving computer to be certain that the information has been received intact This is, possibly, the one area where computers have it over humans. When’s the last time you were sure your boss really heard what you said?
MR. SCIENCE: That’s a fascinating explanation, Mr. Protocol. Of course, these days we know better. The word “protocol” comes from the word “proto”, meaning “almost”, and “call”, meaning to talk on the telephone. Therefore, a computer protocol is almost like talking on the telephone. That’s the sort of thing our big, expensive computers are doing all day long. That’s also the reason most diplomats’ phone bills are so high.
Here’s how it works: people install telephone lines just for the computers. Computers have so many numbers inside of them that they are able to spare some of them for use as telephone numbers. Of course, computers can only talk to other computers(1), so if the phone is answered by a person, the computer will just hang up. You’ve probably seen this in your own life: all those “wrong numbers” which just hang up when you answer are really computers, trying to talk to each other. To make them feel better, you should whistle into the phone whenever you answer it, in case it’s really a computer calling.
(1) Of course, computers can't just talk over phone lines: they use special devices called “modems.*' Because most computer installations never have enough of these, computer center directors are always saying “We need mo’ dem!" Hence the name.