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fortunes.txt
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fortunes.txt
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"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
$HOME is where you hang your @.
/Earth is 98% full... Please delete anyone you can.
1 bull, 3 cows.
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
A CONS is an object which cares. -- Bernie Greenberg
A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
A list is only as strong as its weakest link. -- Donald Knuth
A true Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
Access denied -- nyah, nyah!
After enough decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
All computers run at the same speed... With the power off.
All computers wait at the same speed.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
Another megabytes the dust.
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. -- Ted Nelson
Any program that runs right is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. -- Rich Kulawiec
APL is a write-only language. -- Roy Keir
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing!
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. -- Conrad Weisert
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim.
Back up my hard drive? I can't find the reverse switch!
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic?
Backups? We don't NEED no steenking backups.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. -- Tom Lehrer
Best file compression around: "DEL" = 100% compression.
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein
Brain fried -- core dumped.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted -- Cereal Port Not Responding.
Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try.
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
COFFEE.EXE Missing -- Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.
Computer chips are so small because computers don't eat much.
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computer: A device designed to speed up and automate errors.
Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.
Computers are not intelligent -- they just think they are.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted: Reboot Washington, DC? (Y/N)
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs.
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal if you don't use your thumbs.
Dain bramaged, dore cumped.
Death is a non-maskable interrupt.
Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will.
Disc space -- the final frontier!
Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't let the computer bugs bite!
Don't pay computer programmers too much money, it just encourages the bad ones.
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
E Pluribus Modem.
E Pluribus UNIX.
Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX. -- Tom Christaensen
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ethernet: Something used to catch the etherbunny.
Every program can be reduced to just one instruction -- that doesn't work.
Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail.
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
Feature: A bug with seniority.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.
fortune: No such file or directory
Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer.
God is real, unless declared integer.
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
Help,MySpaceBarIsBroken!AnndMyBBackspaaceKeyyToo!
Hit any user to continue.
HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...
How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How do you know it's an ENDLESS loop?
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? -- Mark Roop-Kharasch
How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.
I "upgraded" my computer to several levels above my head. -- Ellen Goodman
I am a computer -- dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
I am the computer your mother warned you about.
I bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin Minsky
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on disk somewhere.
I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
I smell a wumpus.
I still get goose bumps every time I override a method... -- Harry Wiguna
I'm a firm believer in baseball bat therapy for computers. -- Dan Gookin
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
If a program is useful, it must be changed.
If a program is useless, it must be documented.
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.
If I had it all to do over again, I'd spell creat with an "e". -- Brian Kernighan
If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. -- Brian Reid
In God we trust; all else we walk through.
In the future on the Web, everyone will have 15 megabytes of fame.
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
It's a bad sign when you need a screwdriver to install a new operating system.
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Last one out, turn off the computer!
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday.
LISP: To call a spade a thpade.
Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may enter this system.
logout
Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught.
Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.
Mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
Managing software engineers is like herding cats.
Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. -- R. S. Barton
Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors.
Mental backup in progress -- do not disturb.
MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
My New Year's resolution is: 1024 x 768.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater.
Never trust a computer you can't lift. -- Stan Masor
Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. -- S. Hunt
Nice computers don't go down.
No line available at 300 baud.
No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.
No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Old mail has arrived.
Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.
Old programmers never die; they just GOSUB without RETURN.
On a clear disk you can seek forever. -- Denning
One if by LAN, two if by C. -- Paul Revere, as told by John Karwoski
One man's constant is another man's variable. -- Alan Perlis
One person's error is another person's data.
One picture is worth 128K words.
Our mothers would be proud of us if we could explain to them what it is we do.
Over-computered is when you try to enter your password on your microwave oven.
Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket.
Pause for storage relocation.
People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. -- Jon Bentley
Portable: Survives system reboot.
Power corrupts, and PowerPoint corrupts absolutely. -- Vint Cerf
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key... No, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Program: A magic spell that converts input data to error messages.
Programmers do it bit by bit.
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Programming is an unnatural act.
Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer.
Protect your software at all costs -- all else is meat.
RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.
Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.
Real programs don't eat cache.
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Revolutionary: Disk drives go round and round.
Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! -- Ken Thompson
Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Software is to computers as yeast is to dough. -- Chuck Bradshaw
Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Spelling checker: Converts spelling errors into malapropisms.
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Structured programming supports the law of the excluded muddle.
Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. -- Ken Batcher
Swap read error. You lose your mind.
Syntax error: "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.
System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. -- R. S. Barton
That does not compute.
The amount of clue on the Internet remains constant. -- Evi Nemeth
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
The code was willing. It considered your request, but the chips were weak.
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. -- Alan Silverstein
The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The hardest bugs to find are the easiest ones to fix.
The Internet is a logic-optional forum. -- Marc Callier
The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on.
The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt.
The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong.
The steady state of disks is full. -- Ken Thompson
The Tao that is seen is not the true Tao, until you bring fresh toner.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
There must be more to life than compile-and-go.
There's no place like http://www.home.com.
This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
This login session: $13.76, but for you: $11.88.
This screen intentionally left blank.
This site was moved. We'd tell you where, but then we'd have to delete you.
This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
Those who can't write, write help files.
Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!
Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which occurred.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. -- Robert Heller
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
Unable to locate coffee -- operator halted!
UNIX is a nice place to live, but you don't want to visit there.
UNIX is very user-friendly... It's just picky about its friends.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
Variables won't; constants aren't. -- Adam Osborn
Virtual memory is for weenies! -- Seymour Cray
What boots up must come down.
What do computer engineers use for birth control? Their personalities.
What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.
Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?".
Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
Would YOU pass a Turing test?
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
You can't make a program without broken egos.
You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
You depend too much on computers for information.
You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you will need that version.
You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
You have junk mail.
You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.
You might have mail.
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
Your email has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
Your fault -- core dumped.
Your password is pitifully obvious.
[Unix] is not necessarily evil, like OS/2. -- Peter Norton
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as it tolerates them.
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. -- Laura Creighton
A low level language is one whose programs require attention to the irrelevant.
A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
A successful tool is used to do something undreamed of by its author. -- Samuel Johnson
Abstraction is achieved by data hiding and enforced by encapsulation.
Actual usability is inversely proportionate to apparent user-friendliness.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. -- Frederick Brooks
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken.
All you need to know is the user interface. -- J. Redford
An algorithm must be seen to be believed. -- Donald Knuth
An infinite loop is OK as long as you don't get stuck in it.
An operating system without virtual memory is an OS without virtue.
Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.
Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran).
Avoid unnecessary branches.
Bad style destroys an otherwise superb program.
Bad tools result in bad software. -- J.L. Marsh
BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. -- Seymour Papert
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
Choose variable names that will not be confused.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. -- Gilb
Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do.
Computers... are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity. -- Thomas
Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. -- Brian Kernighan
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
Disk is cheap, but storage is expensive.
Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it.
Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm.
Don't document the program; program the document.
Don't stop at one bug.
Every bug you find is the last one.
Every good work of software starts by scratching a developer's personal itch.
Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug.
Everything should be transparent to the user.
Expert systems are built to embody the knowledge of human experts. -- Rich Kulawiec
Favor object composition over class inheritance.
Garbage in, garbage out.
Given enough eyeballs, all bugs are shallow. -- Eric Raymond
Good programmers know what to write. Great ones know what to rewrite. -- Eric Raymond
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. -- Isaac Asimov
I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it. -- Alan Turing
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. -- Schryer
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. -- Alan Perlis
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
It wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. -- Maurice Wilkes, 1949
It's easy to get lost in the details of an incorrect implementation. -- Tom von Alten
Know Thy User.
Let the machine do the dirty work. -- Elements of Programming Style
Machine independent code isn't.
Make input easy to proofread.
Make it right before you make it faster.
Make sure all variables are initialized before use.
Make sure comments and code agree.
Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully.
Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. -- David Gries
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. -- Steinbach
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. -- Jackson
Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine.
Never write software that patronizes the user.
New technology becomes salable three years before it becomes usable.
New technology becomes usable three years before its users become competent.
No extensible language will be universal. -- T. Cheatham
On the Web, understanding the medium matters more than controlling the layout.
Performance is easier to add than clarity.
Plan the system for change. -- Frederick Brooks
Program to an interface, not an implementation.
Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.
Smart data structures and dumb code works a lot better than vice versa.
Software is best understood as a branch of movie making. -- Ted Nelson
Software is mind work. Having the right frame of mind is essential.
The best packed information most resembles random noise.
The computer is the Proteus of machines. -- Seymour Papert
The computing field is always in need of new cliches. -- Alan Perlis
The less time planning, the more time programming.
The Macintosh was the first personal computer good enough to be criticized.
The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. (6/72)
The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers. -- Richard Hamming
The wise person writes bomb-proof code.
There are always at least two ways to program the same thing.
There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program.
There is no problem that, when programmed just right, isn't more complicated.
To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents.
Undetectable errors are infinite; detectable errors by definition are finite.
UNIX is many things to many people, but it has never been everything to anybody.
Use free-form input where possible.
Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure.
Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches.
Use text for text and images for images. -- Paul Martz
Using a free internet service, you're not the customer, you're the product.
Watch out for off-by-one errors.
When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes.
When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't.
You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.
A gift of flower will soon be made to you.
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. -- Yogi Berra
A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
An actor without a writer is a waiter. -- RJ Colleary
Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical. -- Yogi Berra
Courage is your greatest present need.
Divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
Do not overtax your powers.
Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
Flee at once, all is discovered.
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
Good news from afar will bring you a welcome visitor.
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
Hold tight to your dreams.
I always thought that record would stand until it was broken. -- Yogi Berra
I didn't really say everything I said. -- Yogi Berra
I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary. -- Yogi Berra
I'm not buying my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did. -- Yogi Berra
If the people don't want to come to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them. -- Yogi Berra
If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else. -- Yogi Berra
It gets late early out here. -- Yogi Berra
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
Long life is in store for you.
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
Never answer an anonymous letter. -- Yogi Berra
Old acquaintance will soon be remembered.
Retribution will be yours.
Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
Show your appreciation for your lover by surprising him/her with a small gift.
Someone close to you is taking advantage of your trust.
Someone is enthusiastic about your work.
Someone is speaking well of you.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
Take time in life to smell the rabbits, eat the flowers, and pet the cactus.
That wasn't chicken. -- fictitious fortune cookie in an ad
The future is bright in affairs of the heart.
The lousy teams are good this year. -- Yogi Berra
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
The only things that come out of meetings, are people.
The time is right to make new friends.
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
Torture numbers and they will confess to anything. -- Gregg Easterbrook
Value useful qualities in one who loves you.
Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel. -- Yogi Berra
You are capable of planning your future.
You are going to have a new love affair.
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
You have an ambitious nature and might make a name for yourself.
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
You look on the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
You love peace.
You need not worry about your future.
You talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
You will be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
You will be successful in love.
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
You will get what you deserve.
You will have a long-term stimulation relative to business.
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
You will have long and healthy life.
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
Your depth of comprehension might tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.
Your present plans will be successful.
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
" " -- Harpo Marx
"Breakfast sometime?" "Sure." "Shall I call you, or just nudge you?"
"Criminal lawyer" is a redundancy.
"Daddy, the garbage man is here!" "Tell him we don't need any." -- Edward Abbey
"Define UNIVERSE; give two examples." "The perceived world; 1) mine, 2) yours."
"Have you lived here all your life?" "Oh, twice that long."
"In no language can a double positive form a negative." "Yeah, yeah..."
"Name two pronouns." "Who? Me?"
"Those good old days" really means "those good young days." -- Herbert Salzer
"Was that an avalanche, or was that thunder?" Mountaineers HATE that question.
"Wayne Newton is," he says, "an example of what America can be."
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing: 1 I.V. League.
24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... Coincidence?
28.35 grams of prevention are worth 0.45359 kilograms of cure.
355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number pi, but an incredible simulation.
97% of what I say is correct, and I don't care about the other 4%.
A backscratcher will always find new itches. -- Gomme
A backward poet writes inverse.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A blind skydiver knows he's approaching the ground when the leash goes slack.
A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
A bull market is like sex. It feels best just before it ends. -- Barton Biggs
A cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. -- Mark Twain
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A comet is about as close to nothing as you can get and still have something.
A committee is an animal with at least six legs, and no brain. -- Robert Heinlein
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A consultant saves his client almost enough to pay his fee. -- Arnold Glasgow
A corkscrew is the best thing with which to open a conversation.
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. -- Franklin
A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.
A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's just forget the whole thing." -- Ferguson
A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A dean is to a faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. -- Alfred Kahn
A diamond is just a lump of coal that made good under pressure.
A dime is a dollar after the taxes are taken out.
A drink a day keeps the shrink away. -- Edward Abbey
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. -- Klipstein
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A fool and his money are soon invited places.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A fool and his money stabilize the economy.
A fool with money to burn soon meets his match.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A gambler plays slot machines. I prefer to OWN slot machines. -- Donald Trump
A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks.
A good compromise is where two people both end up unhappy.
A good landing: You can walk away. A great landing: You can reuse the airplane.
A good scapegoat is hard to find.
A harp is a nude piano.
A helicopter is just a bunch of parts flying in close formation.
A home where the buffalo roam... Is messy.
A homeowner's reach should exceed her grasp, or what's a weekend for?
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Mom.
A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
A king's castle is his home.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A lady draws a line, while a tramp falls for a line. -- Robert Byrne
A lady is chaste. A tramp is chased.
A lady lives for a loving. A tramp loves for a living.
A lie in time saves nine.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -- Snow
A man in the house is worth two in the street. -- Mae West
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A man's house is his hassle.
A million here, a million there; soon you're talking real money. -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Winston Churchill
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
A movie's badness is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. -- Ella Wilcox
A penny saved has not been spent.
A penny saved is an economic breakthrough.
A penny saved is better than a penny earned -- after taxes.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A person is innocent until proven President.
A pessimist is a married optimist.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A poet can survive anything but a misprint. -- Oscar Wilde
A poet who reads his verse in public might have other nasty habits.
A preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with. -- William Safire
A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first.
A quarter ounce of chocolate equals four pounds of fat.
A radical is a man with both feet firmly planted in the air. -- Franklin Roosevelt
A recent survey indicated 54% of the population is interested in statistics.
A recent survey proved 51% of the population are in the majority.
A Renaissance man diffuses to refine himself. -- Steve Hug
A ring is a hole with a rim round it.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
A sadist is a person who is kind to a masochist. -- Arthur Koestler
A sentence is worth a thousand words.
A ship carrying a cargo of yo-yos was hit by a typhoon and sank 23 times.
A shortcut is the longest path between two points.
A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
A sinking ship gathers no moss. -- Donald Kaul
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
A soft drink turneth away company.
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
A successful American spends more supporting the government than a family.
A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
A table centerpiece should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
A taxi driver is a man who drives away customers. -- Henry Cate
A theorist right once in ten is a hero; an observer wrong that often is a bum.
A theory is better than its explanation. -- Woodward
A triangle that has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
A university without students is like an ointment without a fly. -- Ed Nather
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its printed on. -- Samuel Goldwyn
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind. -- Ziggy
A watched clock never boils. -- Tom Weller
A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
A white bear which is nice, then nasty, then nice, is a... Bipolar bear.
A woman need not reveal her age, only her passions.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
Abandoning my search for truth, now I search for petrified wood.
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
About when we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. -- Herbert Hoover
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent.
Absence makes the heart go wander.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder... For someone else.
Absolute truth is a 5-4 decision by the Supreme Court.
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) -- Stafford Beer
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.
Abstinence vanishes with presence.
Absurdity: Statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
Accept a breath mint if someone offers you one. -- H. Jackson Brown
Accident: When presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
According to my calculations, the problem does not exist.
According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Accordionated: Able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
Accuracy: The vice of being right.
Act old later. -- Lily Tomlin
Acting: An art that consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
Activation Energy: The useful energy available in one cup of coffee.
Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Ad: Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
Ad: Cute kitten for sale, 2 cents or best offer.
Ad: Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor dog.
Ad: Georgia peaches -- California grown -- 89 cents/lb.
Ad: Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer -- $300.
Ad: Snow blower for sale... Only used on snowy days.
Ad: Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Hardly tickled. $700.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Adolescence: That period of time between puberty and adultery.
Adult: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.
Adult: One old enough to know better.
Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else's position.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Advanced design: Upper management doesn't understand it.
Advanced technology: It's too complicated for me.
Adventure is a sign of incompetence. -- Roald Amundsen
Advertising is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. -- Fred Allen
Aeroma: Odor emanating from an exercise room after an aerobics workout.
Affluenza: Compulsively buying possessions to satisfy some inner urge. -- Moxcey
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. -- Olmstead
After having sex, talk to your wife, if there is a phone in reach.
After painting the town red, take a rest before applying a second coat.
Afterism: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. -- Thom
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
Age is not important unless you're a cheese.
Aging is a birth defect. -- Al Rosenthal
Aging is a non-curable disease. -- Seneca
Aging means it takes all day to do what you used to be able to do all day.
Agriculture is something like farming; only farming is doing it.
Ah, to be a buzzard now that spring is here! -- Edward Abbey
Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.
Air is water with holes in it.
Air travel: Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
Airlines have really changed: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. -- Marechal Foch
Alaska is our biggest, buggiest, boggiest state. -- Edward Abbey
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Alcohol kills you slowly, but who's in a hurry?
Alcoholic: Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. -- Dylan Thomas
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, aleph-null bottles of beer...
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Alimony is a splitting headache.
Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
All bleeding eventually stops.
All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy. -- Lauris
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
All men are created equal, but some must be sent to Siberia. -- Henry Cate
All men are created equal. All women are created superior. -- Cathy Guisewitz
All men are idiots, and I married their king.
All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
All new: Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. -- Groucho Marx
All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
All signs in metric for the next 20 miles. -- road sign in Ohio
All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All the good ones are taken. -- Suzy Harris
All the men on my staff can type. -- Bella Abzug
All the modern inconveniences... -- Mark Twain
All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture.
All the points in between are, well, in between. -- Jim Morrison
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
All things being equal, I'd rather be created. -- John Taylor
All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
All we need here, God, is one little precision earthquake.
All you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.
All's well that ends.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Almonds are members of the peach family.
Almost everyone agrees it's fair to discriminate against lazy and stupid people.
Alpha geek: The most technically proficient member of an engineering team.
Although our information is incorrect, we do not vouch for it. -- Erik Satie
Although the moon is 1/4 the size of the earth, it is much farther away.
Aluminum rain: What falls after a midair passenger exchange.
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Always draw your curves, then plot the data.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Always hire a rich attorney. Never buy from a rich salesman. -- Goldenstern
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Always pick on the correct idiom. -- William Safire
Always remember that you are unique... Just like everyone else.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Always take both skis off before hanging them up.
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
Am I in charge here?... No, but I'm full of ideas. -- Dr. Who
Ambiguity: Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- Charlie McCarthy
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
America was created by geniuses to be run by idiots.
America: A nice place to own, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
Among economists, the real world is often a special case. -- Horngren
An after-dinner speaker is the fellow who starts the bull rolling.
An after-dinner speaker rises to the occasion -- and stays too long.
An airplane glides through the air; a helicopter beats the air into submission.
An ambush: Engaging the enemy on all sides.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... If it is aimed well.
An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. -- Tom Weller
An apple every eight hours keeps three doctors away.
An artist should be fit for the best society and kept out of it.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An elm's bark is worse when there's blight. -- Henry Gay
An example of hard water is ice.
An expert has a great reason for guessing wrong.
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes in a very narrow field. -- Neils Bohr
An expert is a person who knows more and more about less and less. -- Butler
An expert is one who is never in doubt, but often in error.
An honest God's the noblest work of man. -- Robert Ingersoll
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
An informed citizen panics more intelligently.
An inverse paranoid believes the world is plotting to do him good. -- Jack Canfield
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure".
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. -- Van Roy
Anarchy is against the law.
Anarchy might not be the best form of government, but it is better than none.
Anarchy: It's not a law, it's just a good idea.
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
And now for something completely different.
Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give wrong answers.
Answer my prayers, steal this car.
Antonym: The opposite of the word you are trying to think of.
Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't. -- Murray
Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out.
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. -- Malek
Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo. -- J.L. Marsh
Any tool when dropped rolls into the least accessible corner.
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. -- Oliver Holmes
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
Anyone can keep a marriage together, but staying happily divorced takes work!
Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none.
Anyone who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is parked.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -- Samuel Goldwyn
Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. -- Pardo
Anything that doesn't make sense ends up in court and becomes case law.
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
Anything worth doing is a lot more difficult than it's worth. -- Scott Adams
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. -- Mae West
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious. -- James Hogan
Apparently the Creator likes diversity a lot more than we humans do.
Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are.
Aquadextrous: Able to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
Arachnoleptic fit: Frantic dance just after running into a spider web.
Archaeologists will date any old thing.
Archeology is the only profession where your future lies in ruins.
Are you going to be more interesting than you were yesterday?
Are you lustworthy?
Are you making this up as you go along?
Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
Arithmetic is counting to twenty without taking off your shoes. -- Mickey Mouse
Art is anything you can get away with. -- Marshall McLuhan
Artery: Study of paintings.
As a matter of fact, I DO own the road!
As God is my witness, Andy, I thought that turkeys could fly. -- WKRP in Cinncinnati
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
As is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. -- Dave Barry
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
Ask about our layaway plan. -- sign in funeral parlor
Ask about our plans for owning your home. -- sign in loan company office
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, and pay only station-to-station rates.
Astronauts are out to launch.
Astronomers bring light to the darkest discussions. -- Kreigh Tomaszewski
At 300 miles an hour, you can make a rock fly. -- Sam Wheeler
At least five buses go by in the opposite direction before yours arrives.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
At my age, I don't buy green bananas.
At some point you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. -- Peter Alaquon
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Atheists are beyond belief.
Atheists are people with no invisible means of support.
Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line divisible by five.
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. -- Dorothy
Author: An imaginary person who writes real books. -- Edward Abbey
Authority: A person who can tell you more than you really care to know.
Autobiography is fiction written by the one who knows the facts.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
Avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. -- William Safire
Avoid colloquial stuff.
Avoid commas, that are not necessary.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. -- William Safire
Avoid truth decay. Be sure to use mental floss twice a day. -- Steve Bhaerman
Babies can't walk because their legs aren't long enough to reach the ground.
Babies learn decibels before they learn syllables.
Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
Bachelor: A man who never made the same mistake once.
Bachelor: A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. -- Quinn
Bacteria are the only culture some people have.
Bad luck is being run over by the welcome wagon.
Bad weather reports are more often right than good ones.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Bananosecond: The time between slipping on a peel and landing on the pavement.
Banectomy: The removal of bruises on a banana. -- Rich Hall
Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails.
Baseball is religion without the mischief. -- Tom Boswell
Baseball is to football as Beethoven is to rap. -- Patrick Mott
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower.
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
Be alert; the world needs more lerts.
Be careful not to screw yourself in the foot.
Be careful of reading health books; you might die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain
Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty.
Be different, act normal.
Be glad you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
Be kind to your inferiors, if you can find any.
Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. -- Mary Schmich
Be nice to your kids; they will choose your nursing home.
Be of good cheer: We'll live to piss on the graves of our enemies. -- Edward Abbey
Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
Be reasonable: Do it my way.
Be sure to poofread your writing.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here. -- James Kirk
Beauty is in the body of the beholdee. -- John Taylor
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
Beauty is only skin deep, but it is very agreeable, for all that. -- Cobbett
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Becoming overweight is something that snacks up on you.
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
Beer, one of my favorite solvents... It dissolves even thoughts! -- JR Hodel
Before each flight ensure your bladder is empty and your fuel tanks are full.
Before enlightenment, also do the laundry. -- Alan Silverstein
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Before you find your handsome prince, you must kiss a lot of frogs.
Begathon: A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money. -- Hall
Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats. -- O'Neill
Behold the warranty: The bold print giveth, and the fine print taketh away.
Being a good communicator means people find out what's really wrong with you.
Being a pilot is a hard way to earn an easy living.
Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.
Being normal is driving me crazy.
Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
Benjamin Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
Best gift for the person who has everything: A burglar alarm.
Best place to take a leak. -- sign in radiator shop
Better living through denial.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -- Mae West
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Beware of Natural Selection. -- Bob Thaves
Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
Billboard: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Biological Science: A contradiction in terms.
Biology grows on you.
Birth control pills are tax-deductible, but only if they fail. -- Dear Abby
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Black holes were created when God divided by zero!
Blamestorming: A group figuring out who was responsible for a failure.
Blessed are the brief, for they shall have lower phone bills.
Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the Earth.
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. -- Herbert Hoover
Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Bluntness: The art of saying nothing in a way that leaves nothing unsaid.
Boat: A hole in the water into which one throws money.
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. -- Ambrose Bierce
Bore: He who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about yourself.
Bore: The kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. -- Pollock
Bore: Wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. -- Winchell
Born free... Taxed to death.
Born to shop!
Boss spelled backwards is, "double S.O.B." -- Reid Stanley
Bozone: Substance surrounding idiots that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
Brad, where Tad had had "had had", had had "had". "Had had" had had me glad.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think. -- Ambrose Bierce
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Brigands ask for your money or your life; spouses require them both.
Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Budget: A method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
Budget: Mathematical confirmation of your suspicions. -- Latimer
Bumper sticker on an old truck: Don't Laugh -- Your Daughter Might Be In Here.
Bumper sticker, Dec 2000: Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Al Gore... I Think.
Bumper sticker: Don't Honk, I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can.
Bumper sticker: Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal.
Bumper sticker: Friends Don't Let Friends Vote Republican.
Bumper sticker: Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Bumper sticker: Hug Your Kids at Home and Belt Them in the Car.
Bumper sticker: I Brake for Hallucinations.
Bumper sticker: I'd rather be teleporting.
Bumper sticker: If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Bumper sticker: My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student.
Bumper sticker: Stamp out crime; Abolish the IRS.
Bumper sticker: Your kid might be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Bureaucracy: A method of transforming energy into solid waste.
Bureaucrat: A person who cuts red tape sideways. -- J. McCabe
Bureaucrat: A politician with tenure.
Bureaucratic organization is like a septic tank: Big chunks rise to the top.
Business before pleasure unless pleasure is your business.
Business will be either better or worse. -- Calvin Coolidge
But enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think of me? -- Midler
But officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
But two in the bush are more FUN than one in the hand!
Buy a stock, if it goes up, sell it, if it goes down, don't buy it.
By self-pollination, the farmer might get a flock of long-haired sheep.
By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions.
Cabnicreep: When closing one kitchen cabinet causes another to open.
California is proud to be the home of the freeway. -- Ronald Reagan
Californians are not without their faults.
Calling a person a runner-up is a polite way of saying they lost.
Can a man do no worse than to fall in love?
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Can you think of another word for "synonym"?
Candy / is dandy / but liquor / is quicker. -- Ogden Nash
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Career plans: "I want to rule the world." -- Madonna
Careful planning will never replace dumb luck.
Carpenters (and pilots) are just plane folks.
Cashtration: Buying a house renders you financially impotent for a long time.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with a woman.
Caution: Breathing might be hazardous to your health.
Celibacy is hereditary.
Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to fire employees.
Change is great... You go first.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
Charity: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Charm: A way of getting a "yes" -- without having asked any clear question.
Chastity is the most unnatural of the sexual perversions. -- Aldous Huxley
Cheap: Much less expensive than ones selling for up to twice as much.
Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
Chicken Little was right.
Children act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Children are a nine month illness and a lifetime convalescence. -- Benito Galdos
Children are beloved sources of dirty laundry and ceaseless noise. -- Bill Cosby
Choconiverous: Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.
Choice is good. Except for those people who choose poorly. -- Bob Proulx
Cinemuck: Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters.
Circle: A line that meets its other end without ending.
Citation: Reputation by repetition. -- Gerhard Uhlenbruck
Civilization exists by geological consent, subject to revocation without notice. -- Will Durant
Cleaning one's ears should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Clients who pay the least complain the most.
Climate: What you expect. Weather: What you get.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Cogito Eggo sum. (I think, therefore I am a waffle.)
Cogito ergo spud (I think, therefore I yam).
College: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
Come in and buy what your grandparents threw away. -- antique store
Come up and see me sometime when I've nothing but the wireless on. -- Mae West
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. -- Peter Ustinov
Comets are like cats: They have tails and do what they want. -- David Levy
Committee: People who keep minutes and waste hours. -- Milton Berle
Committee: The unwilling, selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Common sense: The collection of prejudices acquired by age 18. -- Einstein
Compromise: A deal in which two people get what neither of them want.
Concentrated bases are much more dangerous since YOU are soluble in them.