Create 2024-08-10-Saturday-August-10th.md

Author: kammitama5

_posts/2024-08-10-Saturday-August-10th.md

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+## At another Quantum Summer School!
+
+## I made it
+- I'm not thrilled to be back on the East Coast, but at least I am not anywhere near campus. I'm instead in
+Rhode Island, attending a summer school on quantum simulation. It's not exactly my home-home in terms of
+research interest (since I focus on post-quantum cryptography), but it is important for the context of
+the work I do. So I'd say it's more a community with which I have *some* overlap. Meanwhile, I do have
+quite a few friends working in the area, for whom it is their home, so that's been really informative.
+- The journey from SF was interesting; I was able to get everything into two checked bags (both the size of carry-ons)
+and carried just a backpack on-board. There was news about a hurricane (Debbie), which is very much a
+"welcome back" vibe. And of course, the food (or lack, thereof of options). Welcome back, indeed.
+- I'm finishing up work for some projects, applications, and setting up my schedule for the semester. I'm starting
+to refocus on the fact that I'm no longer just working on an intern project.
+
+## Summer School
+- The summer school has been pretty great. It began with a talks on neural atoms and then later on
+talks on ion trap / crystal lattices. Even though I was already familiar with the neural atoms stuff,
+because one of the co-authors had given some talks at Simons, it was still super enjoyable. And especially
+when he started talking about some of the error-correcting codes stuff; I was riveted completely.
+- Jetlag and travel fatigue began to set in later in the day, but we did have dinner, and then a networking
+and ice-cream social, and we also took a photo for people who attended the school. I made friends with a
+researcher in quantum chemistry who was absolutely thrilled when she learned where I was from, and a group of
+us ended up chatting about what we work on until around minutes to 11pm. It's really interesting because
+the generality of what we do (in terms of field) is similar, but there is such a breadth of what everyone
+is working on. And everyone is super passionate about what they work on and will talk your ear off about it.
+People travelled as far as South Korea and Oxford, and it's been a good, friendly group. 
+- I think especially after this summer, I'm pretty comfortable within the area I am working. I enjoy it,
+I like chatting with people about it, and I can listen and ask questions about what others work out and I
+don't feel any FOMO; I'm pretty happy with my current focus and it gives me the space to also learn more about
+quantum in a way that is not superficial, but also not a super steep learning curve (because osmosis is happening
+over time, as I gain depth in my area of research as it relates to quantum).
+
+## Thinking
+- Something has been drifting around in my head from time to time. I met a researcher over summer who
+mentioned that they thought I was one of the most resilient people they had ever met, and they said something
+to me that I realized is just true. They basically said that someone who was supposed to have my back
+"didn't believe in me". I realized it was true, but it felt strangely liberating. I felt like, understanding
+that reality now, I don't care as much about that, and accept it as a fact. I can move on with the understanding
+that they will never bat for me, and so my eggs will not be in that basket, and that's okay.
+- I think before that moment of maturity, I would have been exasperated. What does it take to get them to *see*?
+How could they be so blind, so ignorant? Everything has proven them wrong. Now, I think I feel less of that need
+to care. Seniors may have more experience, but that doesn't mean they can't get it really, really wrong.
+If academia has taught me one thing, it has taught me that. Even in the face of statements that disprove their
+beliefs, academics can and do, in fact, double down. Especially if statements (however true) are said by people
+they don't hold any trust or belief in; people who think they are unworthy. I think that enough time has passed
+that if this person thinks I am "unworthy", I will likely never be (worthy) in their eyes, and they will never truly
+support me.
+So it is what it is. I can move on and protect myself emotionally with respect to that.
+
+## A friend
+- I have a really good friend at this workshop, who I met last year, who told me that he complains about something
+once, and then he tries to forget about it or ignore people. I think that can actually be a healthy way of
+purging and existing within academia, the longer I am in this space. Someone over summer told me that
+academia can really be a sort of a "safe-space" for bullies. It does reward that kind of behavior especially if
+one can perform well in other areas that are measurable, and if you are someone
+over whom a bully has power, you have little to no recourse, so to have longevity, one often has to find ways
+of dealing with things that can be frustrating.
+- Still, that realization that there is nothing I can do to win someone over who never believed in me is really
+just super liberating. It reminded me of a conversation a group was having about bias in interviews. There are
+interviews one can go to where you can step into a room and know that there is no way, regardless of how you
+perform, that you will get the gig. There are scenarios where you are brought in to justify an expectation that
+you are there to fail, and that you should have never even been given the opportunity. So upon that realization,
+figuring out how you deal with that is super important. Also, focusing one's energy on minimizing one's
+interactions in spaces where you have no support is such a good way of taking care of oneself.
+At the end of the day, if you make it out, but every part of you is broken, was it really worth it?
+- If you struggle to work in an area where no one wants you to succeed, or believes you shouldn't even be there,
+is it still worth pursuing?
+- Anyways, I guess I should, for now, enjoy this space where people listen to what I work on, where they want
+me to be there, at least for the while that I am here.
+- It's been really interesting this year; I've finally gotten some feedback from people who have said they have
+read and like my work, and care about the stuff I am working on, and that's been really validating. And surprising,
+I guess.
+So I guess now I'm just going to continue working on the stuff I'm enjoying working on, and 
+with people who are willing to help me and support me along in my journey.
+
+## And that's it.
+
+
+
+
+