-
Notifications
You must be signed in to change notification settings - Fork 1
/
jokes.txt
53 lines (53 loc) · 3.63 KB
/
jokes.txt
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
Whiteboards are remarkable.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.
People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
How do you count cows? With a cowculator.
How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed? "Oh sheet!"
Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.
What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips!
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? Envelope.
What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.
How do trees access the internet? They log in.
What is the tallest building in the entire world? The library, because it has so many stories.
What nails do carpenters hate to hit? Fingernails.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
How come oysters never donate to charity? Because they are shellfish.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.
How do fish get high? Seaweed.
What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the breakfast table? "Use the fork, Luke."
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
Why did the tomato turn red? Because he saw the salad dressing!
Can February march? No, but April may.
What type of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad!
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
What do I look like? A JOKE MACHINE!?
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
Why did the cookie cry? It was feeling crumby.
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
A drum and a symbol fall off a cliff.
Sorry, I'm a humorless, cold hearted, machine.
Two fish swim down a river, and hit a wall. One says: 'Dam!'
What do you call a chicken crossing the road? Poultry in moton.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octupus? Ten-tickles!