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feat(riddles): port 198 lines of riddles
A lot of these suck. Some just aren't funny, other are suprisingly problematic. I didn't expect riddles to be a category with this many potential issues. Signed-off-by: Christina Sørensen <christina@cafkafk.com>
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| Original file line number | Diff line number | Diff line change |
|---|---|---|
| @@ -0,0 +1,198 @@ | ||
| Knock, knock! | ||
| Who's there? | ||
| Sam and Janet. | ||
| Sam and Janet who? | ||
| Sam and Janet Evening... | ||
| % | ||
| Knucklehead: "Knock, knock" | ||
| Pee Wee: "Who's there?" | ||
| Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady." | ||
| Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?" | ||
| Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel" | ||
| % | ||
| Q: Are we not men? | ||
| A: We are Vaxen. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? | ||
| A: One per person. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? | ||
| A: When his lips move. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? | ||
| A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? | ||
| A: Unique up on it! | ||
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| Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? | ||
| A: The tame way! | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? | ||
| A: With a blue-elephant gun. | ||
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| Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? | ||
| A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with | ||
| a blue-elephant gun. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? | ||
| A: Take away his credit cards. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How does a hacker fix a function which | ||
| doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain? | ||
| A: He changes the domain. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? | ||
| A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment | ||
| of license fee (binary only). | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? | ||
| A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being | ||
| done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? | ||
| A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. | ||
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| Q: How long does it take? | ||
| A: It's indeterminate. | ||
| It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. | ||
|
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||
| Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? | ||
| A: They replace your generator. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? | ||
| A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. | ||
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||
| Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? | ||
| A: There's a footprint in the mayo. | ||
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| Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? | ||
| A: There's two footprints in the mayo. | ||
|
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| Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? | ||
| A: The door won't shut. | ||
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| Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? | ||
| A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? | ||
| A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb | ||
| itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective | ||
| reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a | ||
| maudlin cosmos of nothingness. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb? | ||
| A: None. We'll fix it in software. | ||
|
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||
| Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? | ||
| A: None. The application can work around it. | ||
|
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| Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? | ||
| A: None. We'll document it in the manual. | ||
|
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| Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb? | ||
| A: None. The user can figure it out. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb? | ||
| A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift? | ||
| A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? | ||
| A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number | ||
| GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, | ||
| of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally | ||
| left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... | ||
| consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? | ||
| A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? | ||
| A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the | ||
| party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith | ||
| agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed | ||
| from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed | ||
| upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of | ||
| the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating | ||
| at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of | ||
| the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the | ||
| second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the | ||
| parties. | ||
| The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be | ||
| limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without | ||
| elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other | ||
| means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party | ||
| of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered | ||
| non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part | ||
| becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall | ||
| have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner | ||
| consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. | ||
| Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part | ||
| shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall | ||
| occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in | ||
| step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation | ||
| should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. | ||
| The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the | ||
| first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to | ||
| produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? | ||
| A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if | ||
| you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb? | ||
| A: I'll have to get back to you on that. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? | ||
| A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem | ||
| to the earlier joke. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a | ||
| light bulb? | ||
| A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in | ||
| the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send | ||
| Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim | ||
| that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking | ||
| around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains | ||
| that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at | ||
| the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb | ||
| from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. | ||
| Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers | ||
| beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly | ||
| killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. | ||
| As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, | ||
| Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must | ||
| warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon | ||
| and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have | ||
| just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been | ||
| given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted | ||
| and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? | ||
| A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? | ||
| A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out | ||
| of the way. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? | ||
| A: 2 bits. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? | ||
| A: 9 edge down. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? | ||
| A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." | ||
|
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||
| Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing | ||
| sunglasses? | ||
| A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? | ||
| A: The same middle name. | ||
| % | ||
| Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? | ||
| A: A stick. | ||
| % |
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